#but I do believe that confidence in ones self and expectations is key

[starleska]

73 Yards has devastated me and i have some theories

we all agree that 73 Yards was a genre-defying, harrowing episode...and i think there's some really interesting themes and ideas going on here. tw for discussion of trauma, abuse, neglect and abandonment:

i hope we're all on the same page that the Woman seems to represent Ruby's fear of abandonment, brought to life. always present, always out of the corner of her eye, and whose primary mechanic is to drive people to scorn and leave Ruby without explanation. even people who do not know her, or people she's just met, or who are incredibly warm towards her...they speak to the Woman, and they look back as if to confirm their suspicions, and then run away, maddened and horrified. it is an unbelievable stroke of genius to make the Toymaker's breaking down of the boundaries between science and fantasy bring Ruby's abandonment into being...and for Ruby to weaponise her. but that's it - as soon as Roger ap Gwilliam was taken care of, we expected the Woman to disappear, right? but that could never happen, because Ruby's fear of abandonment will never disappear...no matter how purposeful her life is, or how much she distances herself from others. the use of the cruel, distant individuals in the Welsh pub to set up Ruby sympathetically is excellent...and then, we see people approach Ruby at all levels of emotional connection, when time and again she is considered untouchable, as if her very being is contagious. and all this time, we have the fairy circle being broken and hope vanishing...with hope being the Doctor. the one man who potentially holds the key to uncovering Ruby's deepest desires - to find out why she was abandoned, and by who. and at the end of it all...even in death, Ruby doesn't find peace. she is transported into a neverending hell-loop where she is her own abandonment. the two are inseparable, inexplicably the same, because Ruby's very existence as herself is built on the bedrock of abandonment. and i think this resonates heavily with any trauma survivor...the way that our trauma and our very real anxieties brought on by that trauma are inextricable from ourselves. i think the plot with Roger ap Gwilliam shows off a very real symptom in trauma survivors: we often daydream that our hurt and pain will be useful one day - functional. and not only does Ruby get to do that...she gets to be the quiet, unsung saviour of the whole world, protecting us from a world-ending terror in spite of the abuse and neglect she's faced. she endures menial work and constant fear, while only confiding quietly in one other person...Marti, who i believe is coded as another trauma survivor due to her response to Roger (who she describes as a monster). if Ruby can't receive love and affection from anyone else, at least she can feel satisfied that she served her purpose. on a practical level, the presence of Mrs Flood and Susan Twist in this episode AGAIN gives me pause. my theory that someone here is another of the Toymaker's Legions, and is the embodiment of Story, has only deepened. the fact that we had a cold open without the title sequence, we met Susan Twist very quickly, we seem to have flipped genres for the show and Ruby was able to embark on a self-destructive wish-fulfilment saviour fantasy in real life...it all indicates to me that the boundaries between reality and fiction are fully collapsing. when Kate says things are trending towards the supernatural lately, i think we've only hit the tip of the iceberg. on a broader level: my God Russell T Davies, what a brilliant script!!! this is one of my favourite ever episodes of Doctor Who, and is absolutely my highlight for the season. huge kudos to Millie Gibson for giving such a killer performance...i am now terribly endeared to, and protective, of Ruby, and hope against hope she gets the happy ending she so deserves 💖

[honeytonedhottie]

trusting and betting on urself⋆.ೃ࿔*:･🫧

keep promises that u make to urself : just like how if u know someone who continuously makes promises to do something, yet they never act upon it, you won't trust that person or believe them if they promise u something else. this is also the same with urself. ur new years resolutions? ur goals that you've had for a while but never ever did? all those promises that you've made to yourself and the ones that you haven't followed up on will lessen trust with urself. do what u say you'll do. "stand on business" and if u know that u won't be able to deliver or do what u say you would, dont say it. dont tell urself promises that u won't be able to keep. once u start keeping ur own promises, you'll start to build trust within urself.

hold yourself accountable : just a quick disclaimer but when i say holding urself accountable i do NOT mean punishing urself!! when u find urself falling into old and fruitless patterns you need to hold urself accountable and make sure that u straighten up. the thing about our relationship with self is that a relationship needs BOUNDARIES. you need to set boundaries with urself. what will u or what will u not do? ur non-negotiables?

and when u find urself crossing boundaries within yourself take the BIGGEST step back. the key to forming a healthy relationship with urself is to balance being strict and gentle with urself. strict in the sense that ur the only one that can get u to where u wanna be, and gentle in the sense that ur best won't look the same every single day and u should also listen to urself and what u want, without having to compromise on ur boundaries. kind of finding that middle line is important, bcuz when we're too lenient with ourselves, we get too comfortable and that leads me into my next point...

where growth begins : u cannot expect to grow if ur too comfortable and honestly, this is why most people stay stagnant. its bcuz being comfortable FEELS GOOD. but growth will almost never happen when ur comfortable, on the contrary growth can only happen outside of ur comfort zone. if u want better things for urself, ur simply gonna have to DO BETTER.

the importance of ur self concept : even if ur not familiar with or u dont practice conscious manifesting/law of assumption, i think that working on ur self concept can still be such a fruitful thing to do. i say this because self concept is the way that u view urself in relation to ur desires/goals. its seeing urself as worthy and powerful, and truly grasping ur potential to do great things. a way to start with ur self concept is with affirmations! start telling urself about urself in a positive connotation. you're unstoppable <3

putting it into practice : start small, challenge urself a little bit every day. do one hard thing a day, doing so will build ur confidence bcuz u won't be so daunted by ur big goals when you've already done so many hard things. when u see something challenging instead of thinking "oh i can't do this" you'll have confidence in urself and what u are capable of. oftentimes when we have goals, we kick ourselves out of rooms before we've even tried to get in them bcuz we think "im not good enough" or "im not worthy" which isnt true at ALL. dont shoot urself in the foot. thats self sabotage. and thats not hot.

motivating urself : if u remind urself of your "why" then you'll have reason to stay consistent and truly try. i recommend asking urself the tougher questions, like "what do i want out of my life?" or "am i truly happy and if not what can i do to get there?" once you've decided what u want out of life make a VISION BOARD and actively pursue your dreams. u can't actively pursue something if u dont know what it is. so i advise u to remind urself whenever u feel that u need it of your "why", your driving cause. having that motivation, and actively pursuing and keeping the promises that u make to urself -> will then build ur confidence in yourself to the point where your betting on urself bcuz u know that no matter what cards you are dealt, you'll prosper.

so just to wrap things up, an overview ; start keeping ur promises -> be strict -> get comfy being uncomfy -> say ur self concept affirmations -> apply -> remind

[sweetwolfcupcake]

An Introduction

Secret Garden

Warning: Controlling behaviour, toxic possessiveness and protectiveness, manipulation, stalking and power-imbalance

An introduction to Yandere Neo Anderson

Unedited.

Also, the GIF is NOT mine, I got it from Google Images. The credit for this creation goes to its rightful owner.

Another complex character.

Before taking the pill, his life was very different. There was nothing noticeable, or extraordinary about him, he did not seem to have any real connection or relationship with people around him and he was like every other average person, the people he passed by on his way to work.

But that was the trick.

Thomas Anderson led a double life even before taking the pill. Being a master hacker showed his extraordinary intelligence and creativity. Neo was the man who wreaked havoc in the matrix despite being still bound to the matrix. Thomas never liked authority, but begrudgingly followed through because he had not yet found the cause to rebel. Neo, on the other hand, showed authority a virtual middle finger to it's face. This was shown in the interrogation scene of 'The Matrix' as well, where Thomas showed the agents a middle finger literally after his identity as Neo was revealed.

Thomas understood that there was something very wrong with the world, but could never put a pin on it. But he was actively searching, seeking, as Neo.

After he woke up, he adopted the name Neo as his real name. Neo, while being the anagram for 'One', also indicated 'new'. After taking the pill, not only was Neo freed, but went through a rebirth. Tearing through his pod. Thomas died with the intake of Redpill. Neo's search had (for the first part), ended. He had the answer to his 'Why'.

Why did he feel off, why did he feel different? Why was he so disturbed and isolated, searching through the net?

And that gave him the key to unlock the powers lying dormant within him. He became 'The One', once he started to believe in himself. And it was portrayed in the fight scene between him and Smith when he declared that his name was 'Neo'. At that moment, he began to believe in himself, his mind and its possibilities.

In the two instalments that followed, Neo grew increasingly confident and self-aware, gaining more powers. He developed this aura of an enlightened detachment around him. Power came from knowledge and Neo embodied that.

However, despite everything, he was not completely selfless. In the second movie, Neo showed his most humane side by defying the 'expected' behaviour from 'the one', and choosing to save his love over humanity. Beneath the layers, after all, Neo was a passionate and dedicated lover who saw his love as the most real out of everything he had seen and faced.

So...A yandere Neo

There are plenty of theories and video essays that actually point out that Neo is more selfish and villainous than he is portrayed. A least in the Matrix Trilogy. So, add some darker shades to this and you have someone who doesn't really care if he saves the world or not if it comes to choosing between love and altruism.

You see, it is hinted in the second movie already that Neo defies everything that is expected of him, his choices are different and while it is possible that choice itself is an illusion, he manages to see through that illusion and shows a metaphorical middle finger to the creator of it all, possibly The Architect.

He does care about humans, he is no Agent Smith. But in the first movie, it is during their fight that Smith says 'You are empty' to Neo, and Neo responds with 'So are you'. This can be a clue that Neo is not completely human. He and Smith are more similar than different. But while Smith is driven by hatred and greed, Neo by love and awareness.

As a yandere, Neo can be a bit delusional, since he is already hero-worshipped, there is a bit of a saviour complex in him and a sense of superiority. But as mentioned before, he is incredibly aware. So, do not take him as a fool, he is extremely difficult to trick. He can see through you, even if not instantly, eventually, he will.

Moreover, his powers grow incredibly as time passes. He has power in the matrix as well as in the real world. While he is wise enough to use the powers responsibly, he is not afraid to use them to show you your place. Beside him, nowhere else.

He will never physically hurt you, no. It even aches him to see tears in your eyes. However, when it comes to manipulating you, be it your perception, using his powers and influence to bend and mould it like he wants you to see...Neo will do that without a second thought.

He sees you as his better half, someone without whom, he can never be 'The One'.

Other than that, he does have the tendency to stalk you. Not always physically but through the matrix and other systems. He loves to watch you. All the time. It's like he is constantly trying to study you, to measure you. He is fascinated, yes, but like it's never enough. You can be doing the most mundane task like brushing your teeth and he is content to watch you do that for hours.

Neo as a lover, is actually a sweetheart. He always takes your comfort into consideration, even when you defy him. He does not like that, sure, but that's simply because he knows more than you, he knows better. If your defiance, though, threatens to break the structure of 'truth' he has built, or directly challenge the foundation of his beliefs or his perception (if you see through him and confront him), he will not hesitate to show you how he is your best bet in the world.

Take that however you like.

His love can be suffocating though. He is paranoid about his protectiveness, and territoriality. His possessiveness does not show because he is rarely challenged. And even if he is, it is seldom over you.

So, he is always keeping an eye on you and loves to hold influence over your decisions. Because in his mind, he is doing this for your own good.

****

Honestly, I find Neo to be an extremely complex character and an even more complex yandere. I might add or omit things here in future, but until then, this is all I have been able to come up with after analysing and discussing with some of my mutuals

[respectthepetty]

I will never speak of this or acknowledge its existence

Phee had exactly one picture of Tan.

And if Tan knew it existed, he would have burned it.

Phee had lost count of the pictures he had with the other boys. They had taken so many in the time they had known each other. They were always smiling with their arms around each other. Some pictures he had taken. Others were Jin’s doing.

But not one of those pictures included Tan.

None of the other boys directly asked Tan why he wasn’t in the pictures. Honestly, Phee didn’t think most of them even realized that Tan wasn’t in them or maybe they thought Tan was self-conscious. He came across as timid because that’s how he wanted them to see him. Phee knew Tan was confident and assertive, but these boys couldn’t know that. Either way, Tan strangely never seemed to be around when they took pictures.

Phee thought it was because Tan didn’t want to be spotted in a photo by someone who knew him as New. He asked Tan about it that night, but Tan quickly dismissed the claim. He was high, which began happening more frequently than Phee cared to acknowledge, but Tan said more when he was high. Information would never flow from Tan regardless of how high he was, but he wouldn’t just stare at Phee like he normally did when he was sober. So that night, Tan responded that he had no friends to remember him as New. He said it like it was a common fact. He had spent so much time studying to get a scholarship that he never had time to make friends. Then, when he was abroad, he spent so much time studying to maintain the scholarship that he never made friends.

Phee was in Tan’s room as Tan was tearing through the cookies Phee had brought over on account of Tan being high. The last time they had smoked, Tan had described these soft chocolate and orange cookies he used to eat when he was abroad, which made Phee’s stomach rumble since Tan spoke of them with a warmth Phee hadn’t expected Tan possible of possessing for food. Phee had ordered them the same day Tan spoke of them and decided today was the day to deliver them. They were different than he thought they’d be.

But so was Tan.

Tan had given Phee a key to his room a few months ago, so he had let himself in while Tan was working at his desk. He didn’t know why Tan had given him the key, but when Tan handed it to him one random Tuesday after school, he simply said, “Just in case,” as if that was enough explanation. Phee guessed it was because he was at Tan’s a lot, planning and thinking. Tan never went to Phee’s house, no matter how many times Phee invited him. And he never gave a reason. Most of the time, he didn’t even give an answer. Whenever Phee would ask him over, Tan would simply look at Phee in a way that made Phee embarrassed for asking, as if Tan was silently reminding Phee that they weren’t the type of friends who hung out at each other’s houses just for fun. As if Tan was reminding Phee that they weren’t friends. Yet it didn’t deter Phee from asking again, and again, and again. He liked to believe that one day, Tan would actually accept. The invite? His friendship? Him.

Phee was high.

So was Tan who was quietly enjoying the bizarre cookies and busy rewriting notes on some subject he already knew everything about. Phee’s mind was left to wander until Tan remembered that Phee was in the room with him. This happened so often that usually, Phee would text the guys in the group chat which Tan never responded to, or watch a video on his phone about stuff Tan didn’t care about. But that night, after Tan confessed to never having friends, Phee sat in his chair next to Tan and examined the space he had sat in so many times before. Posters of the human body and chemical formulas decorated the walls. Tan’s desk was covered with containers and assorted models. When Phee's eyes roamed back to Tan for a moment, Phee briefly thought this must have been who he was aboard. Tan, sitting there with his cookies and his notes, offered a glimpse of New’s world. Phee quickly continued his silent observation of Tan’s room in hopes of finding more artifacts of New.

He noticed the only pictures in the room were attached to the board Tan used to pin his notes of the boys which he glared at when he was planning and thinking. Beyond the few items Phee had spotted, there was nothing else in the room that showed who New was. Then again, New no longer existed, and Tan was busy eating cookies and rewriting notes.  

When Phee finally reacted to Tan’s statement about not having friends (much too late for it to matter, but time was never of importance in Tan’s room), it was merely in his head.

Tan is Non’s brother.

It felt so obvious. He had known this, but as he sat there, the realization rolled over him as if he was confronting the truth for the first time.

Phee’s room said something about him. It had clothes thrown everywhere. It had pictures of his family. It had little items that showed his interests. Jin’s room said something about him. It had pictures of the guys. It had posters on the wall of movies he loved. It had little figurines on his shelves. Just like Non’s room.

And, ironically, that’s why Phee had made the connection in this room devoid of time and apparently devoid of Tan.

He hadn’t realized Tan had dozed off at his desk curled over his notes, but as soon as Non popped into Phee’s head, he had been so consumed by his thoughts that he hadn’t noticed anything else. Phee had made the comparison before he could stop where it was heading. This happened each time Non slipped into his thoughts, which was too often . . .

because Tan is Non’s brother.

Phee tried to shake the thought out of his head, but that made all his other thoughts emerge from their watery depths causing him more confusion. He wanted to turn off his brain because he knew where this was going. He was high, but he hadn’t realized just how much until all those thoughts called to him in hopes of dragging him underwater.

Yet Tan was sleeping peacefully at his desk.

Just like Non would.

Non and Tan were both smart, but Phee had picked up on other little things Tan did that reminded him of Non. Non got lost in his work as easily as Tan did. Tan was as passionate and stubborn about his work as Non was. Non’s face gave his feelings away often, and surprisingly, so did Tan’s. They were small facial changes, but Phee always noticed them. Just like he noticed that both boys rarely smiled, but when they did, it was a look of pure joy. Like when Tan was eating these weird orange cookies.

And they both kept their secrets.

“He had an apple,” Phee whispered to Tan.

That was it. That was his response to Tan’s earlier confession about having no friends, but it wasn’t loud enough to even stir Tan from his hazy slumber. He should have felt guilt for almost waking Tan up. He should have felt sadness for thinking of Non in that moment. But instead, he felt exposed.  

Because Tan is Non’s brother.

Non didn’t have a picture of Tan in his room. Or on his phone. Non didn’t have pictures of his parents either, so Phee wasn’t surprised Non didn’t have a picture of him, not really at least. Non had a picture of Phee looking out at the water with him, but nobody would know that was Phee.

But Non had a picture of the boys.  

And he had an apple.

They had eaten an apple the day Phee gave Non the red bracelet. Phee asked Non to be his boyfriend, yet Non hadn’t answered him. Phee kept asking again, and again, and again until one day, Non finally accepted. And when Phee went to apologize to Non at his house, he found a shattered picture of the boys instead. He knew of them, and he hated them. Then, he saw the picture of the apple, and his hate shifted inward where it had nested and expanded. He thought about it often. He wrestled with it. Non didn’t have a picture of him, but he had a picture of those boys. Phee knew those boys, but none of those boys knew Phee. How would they? Non didn’t even have a picture of Phee. No. Non had their picture.

And he had a picture of an apple.

That meant something. That’s what Phee had to remind himself. It meant something.

Non had a picture of those boys

and an apple.

It was Non’s secret.

After Non disappeared, his room remained frozen, devoid of time, telling the story again, and again, and again. Non didn’t have friends; he had secrets.

Phee was Non’s secret.

And here Phee was again, a secret. Tan’s secret.

Tan had no friends. He said it with such ease. The boys with their pictures plastered on the board weren’t Tan’s friends. Those boys weren’t Non’s either, yet both brothers had their pictures.

But not Phee’s.

The guys thought Phee and Tan were hiding a secret. They thought Phee and Tan were sleeping together. They constantly questioned Phee and Tan’s closeness. They joked that Phee and Tan were lying. Jin accused Phee of hooking up with Tan since they were never invited to Tan’s. But every time, Phee reminded them all that there was no big secret. Phee was Tan’s friend. Nothing more. They were just friends.

And he believed that. They were the only two who had loved Non. They were there for each other. They were connected by their loss.

But Phee wasn’t Tan’s friend. Tan didn’t have friends. He had made that clear. Tan was like Non. They didn’t have friends. They had secrets.

And Phee was one.

Everyone had secrets. Tan and Phee were in this situation because of everyone else’s secrets. That’s why Tan couldn’t tell anyone who Phee was. He couldn’t tell this group of boys that Phee was the reason the charges on Non were dropped. Tan couldn’t tell them how he knew Phee. Tan couldn’t tell them who Phee was, not to Non, and not to him.

Phee could walk away from all of this. Tan had told him that from the very beginning when Tan had come up with this plan. When Tan had said that Phee could leave whenever, Phee believed it was Tan’s way of trying to keep him out of danger, which is why they had to keep quiet, but now he knows better. Tan's admission that he doesn’t have friends brought Phee clarity.

Because he is nothing to Tan except a secret. Tan doesn’t need Phee, and if Phee decided to leave, Tan wouldn’t lose anything. Tan made sure of that. Tan planned for that.

There was a time when Phee truly believed that if told Tan how he felt, he would be free. Not only of these feelings, but also the anger he felt. He knew he could leave Tan, but that would only rid him of Tan, not these feelings. He was never naïve enough to believe Tan needed him, but he thought Tan at least cared about him, and that belief is why he didn’t confess to Tan. He knew Tan would be so disgusted by Phee’s feelings that he would see it as a betrayal . . . to their plan? To Non? Why would Tan see it as anything else when Tan only saw Phee as a secret to be used for that fucking plan?

Because Tan is Non’s brother!

Phee had felt this way for longer than he was comfortable admitting. At first, Phee dismissed his feelings. He ignored them because he knew his feelings weren’t about Non and that made him feel guilty. That’s why he tried to not think about Non, but that was the root of these feelings.

Because Tan is Non’s brother.

And it started with all those little things that Tan did to remind him of Non. It was the simplest answer. The only reason Phee felt the way he did about Tan was because Tan reminded him of Non, and Phee had loved Non. He loved the way Non got so lost in his work that Phee had to remind him to take his meds. He loved the way Non was so passionate about his projects that he wanted to finish them no matter how much effort he had to put in. He loved making Non smile, and he loved that he could see Non’s emotions on his face, even when he knew Non was lying to him.

And these were all the things he loved about Tan.

He loved that he knew how Tan felt because it was written on Tan’s face. That’s why he wore Jin’s uniform to school. He wanted to see how Tan felt. He easily admitted that he had sex with Jin, but he didn’t tell Tan how he was so angry at Jin that he couldn’t even look at his face. Phee let Tan believe whatever he wanted just so he could see the raw emotion on Tan’s face, but when the emotion finally showed on Tan’s face, Phee had to look away. Tan’s expression was one of disgust, but not for Tan himself. Tan was questioning Phee’s loyalty, to their plan, to Non.

Because Tan is Non’s brother.

Tan never thought of himself. Tan had been so lost in planning and thinking that he didn’t even remember his birthday. His real one, not the one he put down on the forged documents to get into school. But Phee remembered it. The first time, Tan’s parent had sent him a message and some money still believing he was abroad which served as a brief reminder that Tan once had a life of his own. Tan didn’t celebrate even after the message came through. He immediately shot off a response to them and kept working on his notes, but Phee mentally noted that day. So here Phee sat a year later, with these damn chocolate and orange cookies that he ordered specifically for New’s birthday restraining himself from caressing New’s hair as he slept.

He wanted to keep New safe. He wanted to protect him. He wanted to save him.

Just like he had wanted to save Non.

But he knew none of that was possible because New is Non’s brother.

New was going to follow through with this plan no matter what happened to him because New is Non’s brother, and they don’t know when to stop until it’s too late. Non wouldn’t let Phee help him. He kept his secrets. And New was the same. Phee couldn’t protect Non, and he knew he couldn’t protect New. Phee failed Non, and he couldn’t keep New safe, not from these boys, and not from himself.

So instead, Phee took his picture.

He had brought his camera in hopes of taking a birthday photo of New with his dumb cookies, but once Phee realized New had forgotten his birthday, Phee kept the camera in his bag. In hopes of fighting the reckless urge to stroke New’s relaxed face, Phee quickly grabbed the camera from his bag and awkwardly took a picture. Phee didn’t even inspect the photo. He had already begun placing the camera back into his bag when he realized a partially eaten cookie was next to New’s hand, which meant it would likely be in the picture. The bite New had taken out of it revealed the orange jelly inside, and it gave the cookie the appearance of a gemstone beckoning Phee to hold it. Phee knew he should leave it where it was, but the idea of sharing this gem with New forced him to move, so he carefully grabbed the cookie with his other hand as to not disturb Tan and placed it in his mouth.

The cookie was just as strange as it was when he had eaten the others. The textures were conflicting. The cookie was soft. The chocolate was hard. Yet the orange, the orange . . .

Would be the feel of New’s lips. It would be the taste of New’s mouth. It would be the scent lingering on New’s breath.

Phee immediately shoved the camera back into the bag and turned to leave. New didn’t even budge. For a moment, Phee hesitated at the door. He wanted to move New to the bed like he done countless other times, but Phee knew if he got New into the bed, the weight of New’s body mixed with Phee’s current state would drag him down into that bed with him and all his drowning desires.  

So he opened the door and left New behind.

---

He wasn’t sure when sleep finally came to him that night, but when it did, it brought Non and his red bracelet. They were by the water in their spot with a small bag of apples settled next to them on the blanket they had spread out. Phee’s head was resting in Non’s lap. Phee looked at Non’s hand which was gently placed on his chest, and admired the red bracelet that adorned his wrist. When Phee went to intertwine their hands, Non playfully avoided the gesture by grabbing an orange cookie from the spot where the apples had previously been mere seconds ago. When Phee looked back up to Non’s face, New looked back at him in the red shirt he had on the first day they met, offering him a bite of the cookie.

---

Phee would remember that dream every time he looked at the picture. In his haste to take the picture, it was slightly blurry, but he still foolishly printed a copy of it and hid it in a book in his room because he wanted something tangible. He wanted something to hold. He could’ve left the picture out. His father never came into his room, and Tan would never come over, so there was no chance he would see it. It was common for the other guys to take photos of each other sleeping after a night of partying. They jokingly shared the photos in the chat. If any of them saw it, they wouldn’t have thought twice about it. Then again, they probably wouldn’t even realize it was Tan.

But this was Phee’s secret to keep.

This was his secret to protect.

This was his to save.

Phee had exactly one picture of New, and if Tan knew it existed, he would have burned it.

Because New was Non’s brother.

But New couldn’t exist.  

So neither could Phee’s love for him

[theambitiouswoman]

Hi sweetheart <3

I’m having a bit of a mental dilemma at the moment...when I was a kid, I thought conformity was key and really let my shyness sit in the forefront for most of my life, thinking that was what my family and society wanted from me.

But now that I'm in my early 20's and have to make a career decision I can't push this feeling down any further. I know now that I'm meant to live my life more publicly and really go for things creatively and in the entertainment field. It feels completely undeniable that I really do LOVE the spotlight, and the right place for me is in entertainment - though I'm too embarrassed to act on it. How do I become comfortable with truly being seen...whilst also feeling my loved ones judging me for it? 

Sending all my love xoxo

Hi babygirl 💞

It is great that you've realized your passion! It seems like you are ready to embrace it, but are worried about how your loved ones will react because they might have different ideas? Embracing your true self and pursuing your dreams is a brave step. The key is to first accept and love yourself for who you are and what you want.

Talk to your loved ones honestly about your dreams and why they make you happy. They may come to understand and support your dreams, especially when they see your dedication and happiness. You may feel guilty for disappointing them. You may still have some doubts because it goes against everything you were taught to believe. Self doubt, family expectations, fear of judgement, risks.. are all normal feelings when we are venturing into something new and different and really creating a life for ourself. Like I said, pursuing your dreams takes courage and we will always have these mental hurdles to overcome on the way. But we have to want things so much, that our fear doesn't matter.

Getting comfortable with being seen, especially in careers like entertainment, can take time. Start by accepting and liking yourself for who you are, including your desire for attention. Try to replace negative thoughts with positive ones. Build up your confidence by practicing and learning more about what you love to do. You can begin with smaller audiences and gradually work your way up. It's important to remember that everyone starts off as a beginner and everyone makes mistakes. Just put yourself out there. Do not be afraid to be your authentic self. You can't live your life for other people.

Follow your heart <3

[mbti-notes]

Hi! INFJ here. Would you be able to elaborate on the dynamics that lead to Level 3 INFJ's being 'overdependent on people who share similar interests'? This seems completely accurate to me. I've always highly prioritized working with the right mentor and collaborators, and don't feel confident in my ability to do my work completely on my own. But I'm not sure how to move beyond this state: I guess Ti development is the key?

There are a lot of factors that can contribute to overdependence. Since you haven't provided many clues as to why you lack confidence, all I can say is that, in INFJs generally, it is often related to issues like perfectionism or fear of failure. For example:

Ni: Do you have realistic expectations of yourself? If your expectations are too high, narrow, or strict, "falling short" will always feel like a threat to you.

Fe: Are you sensitive to disapproval? If so, incurring negative feedback and criticism will always feel like a threat to you.

Ni+Fe: Do you easily suffer from excess guilt or shame? If so, making mistakes will always feel like a threat to you.

If any of the above apply to you, it means further Ni and Fe development is needed, in which case, Ti development isn't on the docket yet. It's important to develop functions in the correct order. In the above mindset, the prime motivator is fear. It means purposely keeping oneself small as a defense against those ego threats, and overdependence is one possible manifestation of that smallness. I don't have a magic wand that can convince people to immediately drop their ego fears. The best way to overcome them is to confront them.

Being independent isn't as simple as just going it alone. Humans are social creatures, so relationships are vital to their well-being. Independence is partly about faith and trust, which gives rise to self-confidence. It means having faith in yourself and having trust in your capabilities. Unfortunately, people often believe that being "capable" means being able to do things well all the time. Not the case.

If you truly believe in your capabilities, it means you believe you can do things well AND it also means you believe you can handle it when you DON'T do things well. You trust that you'll survive, adapt, learn, and evolve. Perhaps the point you're missing is that you have to face challenges, problems, obstacles, mistakes, failures and all the messiness and nastiness in life in order to grow. As long as you live in fear of these things, you'll give up every opportunity to grow. Can you feel genuinely fulfilled knowing that you've never been brave enough to really stand up and stand out as the truest version of yourself?

[loversdelusions]

How would Yandere Deku’s and Kirishima if you write for him , react if his obsession gave him a striptease :D

This took FUCKING FOREVER.

Izuku Midoriya:  🫀Tease...🫀

"I won't do anything, I-If you don't want me to, you know.."

His words were meant as reassurance. He didn't mean it as a challenge.

Unfortunately for Izuku, you did not take it as such a reassurance. He kidnapped you, he keeps you against your will and somehow he believes that it is completely within your right to decide if he gets to touch you? There was nothing in this situation you were in that was within your will. Yet he looked at you with such a look as if he were hurt by your flinch, or by your glare, or by the way you squirmed and fought while he tried to hold you.

"I won't do anything..."

That fucking liar. That fucking monster.

You were going to ruin his fucking life.

Izuku Midoriya, the number one hero, the man who admires his goodness more than anything. It could have made you laugh, still imagining he was the good guy after all that he'd done. His identity was so important to him, he tried to convince himself that he was a good person for not molesting you.

What a saint.

It's too bad that his delusions didn't matter to you. That you would prove to him that he was scum through and through, watch that fake innocent gaze in his green eyes snap. It was why you'd run through the closet he'd bought you, the lingerie section truly convinced you of his deluded nature. He really thought you'd come to accept this. You could only roll your eyes as the dark red strings and lace grazed your hand, a smile tugging at your lips, fully knowing how quickly he'd crumble.

You did not fall short, he'll give you that. Walking into his home after a long day of work the last thing he expected was to see the lights off. Darkness, something he was sure not to leave you in. It made his heart drop. Paranoia dug through his skin, and thoughts raced as fast as he did look for you, checking the doors, the windows, looking for signs of your escape. He couldn't believe there weren't any.

He couldn't believe it when he saw you, either. Short red crop top, neck height fastened at the side with string, unholy short black skirt riding up your thighs, teasing the sight of your flesh, held tightly by the thigh highs, heels, high and undoubtfully difficult to walk in, yet how could it be you held your self with such elegant confidence, sitting at the edge of his desk, red lights illuminating your breathtaking features. You didn't need to move, you'd stolen the air from his lungs.

"Uh..." His words jumbled in a sharp exhale, trying to regain his composure. His words failed him as you stood up, slowly pushing yourself onto your feet, dangerous eyes studying him, as if he wasn't the giant barrel of a man, as if it were you with the keys to his cell. He was mesmerized, by every move, every breath, your hand twisting his useless tie around your fingers, and tugging him, as if he were your pet, guiding him to his chair. And he listened. Let you move him like a pawn, even though his gaze bore into you unnervingly as if he could tell this was off.

You didn't seem to care, moving to the back of the office chair, your fingers, long claws trailing down his shoulder, as you walked to the speaker, away from his eyes, you could feel the burn of his gaze watching you. Your hips may have swayed more, your walk into a strut, and your hands climbing up your thighs and finding themselves rubbing soothing circles underneath your skirt, slow, and sensual, surely grabbing his attention as the skin of your thighs exposed more and more, yet to inevitable hide behind the flowy material once more.

You didn't waste the opportunity as you steadied yourself in front of the speaker, spreading your stance wide, and slowly lowering yourself to turn the speaker on. Izuku didn't miss the way you arched your back slightly, the way your fingers moved down to the power button, the way your skirt flared up just enough for him to see the way your thighs curved into the most fantastic ass, yet covered enough to make him grit his teeth. He surely didn't miss the way your thigh highs rolled down a tad, or the colour of the underside of your black stilettos, the dark red extenuating the darkness, bringing sight to your allure. How could he miss the smoothness of your back? It made his heart hammer against his throat as if he'd swallowed it, holding back his impulses.

It almost made him laugh when the song came on.

Your slow rise, as the music, thrummed through the air. He sat up, "Darling, what--" His voice died when you'd held up your hand, demanding his silence, he watched, your hands toying with the strings of your top as if you knew exactly when the strings fell apart, not a single moment felt as torturous as it did when your top rose, falling just right, allowing the bottom of your breasts to show, nothing more. as if it were made to tantalize him. As if you were made to tantalize him. His eyes followed your every move, hand slowly moving from the line of your skirt, upwards and up until the soft flesh of your breast, he watched as you drew a lazy circle over your nipple, toying with his resolve, hand dipping underneath your supple flesh, moving upwards, with a drop of the beat, harshly and swiftly gripping your neck. Your head moved back, as if in the act itself, your lips parted softly, a soft exhale when your hands continued up to your lips, swiping your bright red lipstick to the side, smudging the Madonna. Your hips swung slowly with the beat, the flounce of the skirt extenuating your movements.

Izuku bit his tongue, the shivers crawling up his spine as if it were your claws that were tantalizing him. He could feel himself push against his dress pants, desperate for release, desperate for you. He held himself back, he didn't dare move, didn't utter a noise, afraid to whisk this dream of his out of his reach. He could only watch helplessly as you lowered down, as if in a drop, and spread your thighs, the damned skirt obstructing his view. He tried to stop all of the raging emotions that were attempting to sully his expression. Though he could feel the dark blush creep up his neck, your expression remained nonchalant, as if staring into his mind, listening to the sick thoughts that devoured his patience. Izuku let out a breath, it felt thick in the room, sickly sweaty and warm.

Slowly, you brought yourself back to a standing position, fingers toying with the skirt that he'd grown to resent. Your hips slowly moved as if he were under them, and his eyes moved to watch your fingers play with the silver zipper, with beat the zipper turned useless, and the skirt fell to the floor. The click of your heels as you stepped over the material... a sight to behold. This time, when you had slowly moved down, hands exploring the suddenly exposed flesh of your thighs, he did not ignore the way your eyes drilled into him, or the absolute godlike vision of your skin against the dark contrasting red heels as you fell in the position, like a cat, knees spread, you moved your body, your chest, against the wood, raising your hips off the floor, then slowly, moving onto your hands and knees, crawling towards him, slowly, under his desk. He moved back, pushed himself and the chair back until he reached the wall, watching you move beneath the desk and closer to his legs, hands moving up his shins and parting his legs, up and down his thighs, and his patience which was already wearing thin snapped.

The moment you moved between his legs, his large hand gripped your face, the green eyes which just a moment ago beheld you in surprise and flustered innocence, stared at you with lust so dark it made shivers crawl down your skin, like a jolt of electricity, he leaned down to whisper into your ear. You could feel his flushed skin, warm and slick with sweat as if he'd been holding back from ruining you, awaiting you to come to him instead. "Doll, what have you done?"

Your breath paused in your lungs when his hands moved to dismantle the strings you'd made in specific consideration. This was only a tease. Nothing was going to happen tonight. Your nails dug into his thighs, "No touching," You hissed.

He chuckled, a dark sound disturbing your confidence. "You started the game, darling." He gave no option for chatter when he pushed his lips against yours, arm snaking around you and forcing you to move closer, to stand up in front of him. When you'd managed to push him off you, you'd realised he'd unlaced the strings on your neck, allowing your top to fall to your waist, and exposing your breasts to his hungry eyes. You groaned, pushing him away and standing roughly in your irritance. Grabbing your top with you, "I said no fucking touching. Fuck off, I am done."

The moment you turned, you were pulled back by your hips, ignoring your yelp, he pushed you on top of himself, holding your face close to his, by your neck while his leg rested between your thighs, forcing you to shift your weight onto his lap. You could feel his breath on your jaw, his hand shifting from holding your thighs apart to travelling up your waist, to touching your newly exposed skin. "No, you're not."

You grit your teeth, fear moving through you while you tried to swallow it down, hyper-aware of his large hand holding your throat. "Izuku, You promised." You might as well have spit the words out.

"The moment your skirt moved up, darling, you should've known my words were dust." He hummed, his eyes shining dangerously, you could feel the smile before you saw it. "You can't be expected to put such a lovely act together and not see the results, right?"

He pushed slightly against your ass and forced an exhale out of your lips. "Don't play a game you can't lose."

"Fucking liar!" You hissed, pushing away from him, to no avail. He laughed, placing a kiss on your jaw while his knee moved against you for friction.

Your gasp of pleasure drove a surge of passion through him."Fucking tease.."

Eijirou Kirishima:  👑 Worship 👑

Kirishima is not the kidnapping type, so if you ever get into a relationship with him, it will be stalk full of manipulation. Though his mind does not really seem to comprehend that you, too, are a sexual creature with your own desires. He really thinks that you simply go along with his wants because you love him.

So when you wanted to 'talk,' his mind went into overdrive about what possible thing he must do to keep you right next to him. "Peaches," He started, walking into the bedroom, you were sitting on the edge of the bed, hands folded, eyes piercing into him. "...Is something wrong?"

"Yes." His heart sank at the words. He felt nervous energy force his fingers to twitch. "Sit," With a simple gesture towards the wooden chair.

He followed your words, and you'd never seen your boyfriend move so quickly. He'd usually contest this, kiss you and try to make you giggle, but he was too nervous, instead he simply just sat in the armchair at the opposite side of the room, legs pressed together and back straight, tapping his foot nervously. "Peaches...Did I do something--?"

You raised your hand to silence him, but instead, opened your phone, sitting in silence, leg crossed over the other, forcing him to sit and stew in his nervous energy. His mind raced. He was surprised when instead of speaking the speakers in the room turned on.

It was almost dreamlike in sequence when you walked slowly to the window centred in the room, sunlight streaming through the window giving you the only warm light in the room, he watched the way you allowed the sun to bathe you in it's light, as if it were basking in your beauty, as if it were in the sky only so it may have the opportunity to touch your skin with it's light. It made Kiri pause, just to stare at the view. The white sundress seemed to stick to your body, underneath the rays, he could see the darkness of your lingerie wrapped around you.

You could see his mind go blank as he took you in. The pleasure which drove through you made your skin light on fire, when his eyes turned to yours. His breath faltered, it took everything out of you to hold back your smile. Instead, you allowed your heavy gaze to fall on him, the sleepy look you gave him already pushed his insides into a hot melting pot in his stomach. "Peaches that dress isn't--"

The minute the song's beat dropped, so did your patience for his morally high attitude. You moved towards him quickly, forcing his words to halt when you slammed your heel onto the wood between his legs, forcing him to pause and stare at you. You could see the vibrant red swirl with temptation, he parted his thighs, leaving room for you. You took him by surprise, pushing your forehead against his, and taking another step onto the chair, standing and straightening your posture, gazing down at him. slowly your hand gripped his hair and pulled him upwards, you could see him gasp, and watched carefully as you moved your hips to the rhythm, holding his head close to you (also for support, but hoping he wouldn't notice), bending slowly, one leg then the other, aware of your dress as it brushed against his skin. You dropped with the beat, on the tips of your toes. You couldn't help but laugh when he jumped, his hands instinctually moving to grip your waist. Wrapping your hands around his neck, you pushed your hips against him, rolling your body against his chest, fully aware of his hands moving to grip your ass underneath the dress he was growing to hate. Slowly, you moved against his chest, inhaling in his scent, making sure his eyes were fully on yours, and watched him shiver.

Kirishima might as well had cut his tongue, cause he sure as hell found himself speechless, somehow aware of your every touch, hell he helplessly watched your chest rise and fall with your heavy breaths. When you'd moved your hands through his hair, your legs moving to either side of him, stradling him as the music slowed, his eyes finally moved to the sundress, the flimsy straps holding it up were tempting his resilience, almost as much as you were while you moved your hips to the music, somehow irritatingly holding enough distance to toy with him, to graze him and steal whatever was holding him from tearing you apart.

His eyes were glued to your skin, the strap of your dress falling over your shoulder, it was enticing him, and he moved to tear it, but you were quicker, sitting up, pushing your forehead to his, and moving to kiss him. Kiri might as well had been salivating, his lips parting before you had even decided on what to do, ready to have you. His breath grew heavier when you leaned in, barely grazing the side of his mouth before you threw your head back, moving in a circle, and then back, only to push against his hard-on, and meet his eyes, before you were on your feet again, and his lap lay empty, clearly betraying what you were doing to him.

You almost laughed when you'd heard his frustrated sigh, the way that his crimson eyes followed your every sensual step as you circled him, the desperate way his hand attempted to hold onto your waist. The next time you approached him andreached over to part his thighs he moved immediately, unaware of the way he was reacting, his eyes bearing into yours unwavering. You stood your back to him, slowly bending over, hips moving to the music, he watched in pure awe as you moved down to a sitting position in between his legs, using his knees to support your weight, and this time allowing both the straps of your dress to slip past your shoulder. He wasted no time and reached to unzip your dress. And you let him.

Your hips swayed to the music, and forced a breath from him long held in when you'd dropped down and spread your thighs, hands moving to your knees, and slowly tracing the skin of your thighs, pushing lace of your dress further and further. You didn't need to look back to know he was watching, you could see his thighs shake slightly in contained excitement. Turning with your knee resting on the floor you threw him a dirty look, your hand resting on his thigh once more. His eyes followed the fabric of your dress as it slid off your shoulders, and down your arms, exposing your skin. Your boyfriend almost looked lost in thought, the only way you could tell he was here was the way his breaths started matching yours as his eyes gazed at your chest, rising and falling. You scoffed, and made sure your nails pushed against his skin as you stood, hand trailing up your thigh.

The music silenced. You took your shot, standing in front of him, and backing up, you slowly let the dress pool around your feet like gold.

The black and gold lingerie underneath felt tighter than ever around you as you watched for his reaction. It stunned you when his eyes widened and his lips parted, and he met your gaze with an innocently startled one. It made your confidence falter a slight, yet you pushed forward, reminding yourself the setting sun behind you reflected your sense perfectly. Kirishima gazed in awe. The golden detailing and jewellery shone in the sun, and he could have sworn he glimpsed a crown around your head in the heat of your majesty.

You stalked towards him as if you'd been walking on air, gracefully despite the constricting wear. Tracing his shoulders as you walked around him, you leaned in and he felt compelled to follow you in mere hope you'd allow him a taste of more than the sinful vision. Yet you didn't kiss him like he so desperately wanted. You walked past him, and he almost felt shame for following you with his head as if he'd been a puppy begging for your divine attention. It was only redeemed when you threw yourself into his lap, and he'd immediately held your body to his, cursing lowly while you threw your head back in laughter, unaware he was still enamoured by the act you'd blessed him with.

You slung your arms around his neck, and pulled him close, and he held his breath, as if you would deprive him of your lips had he let out a lustful breath. Except you only smiled, "Don't be a tease, honey. I didn't lace myself with gold so you can stare."

Saying he'd hungrily taken your lips was an understatement. It was thrilling, watching his eyes darken to black with desire.

Of course he wasn't going to stare. "Peaches..." He breathed after the kiss had stolen it from his lungs, you could feel the grip of his tighten, as if his skin was begging to harden around you, and you were a ta nervous he was about to let it. "I'm about to show you what worship really means."

[neuroticbookworm]

Soulmate Skepticism vs Romanticism in La Pluie

I am a soulmate skeptic. I don't believe there's one person destined for each of us on this planet.

I'm also a staunch pessimist on matters of romance and love. I constantly conduct a cost-benefit analysis in my head for every romantic relationship I see in my life. "It doesn't make sense" is almost always the first thing that pops into my head when I see people in love.

Do I sound an awful lot like someone from La Pluie? Why yes, it's our resident Soulmate Skeptic and Slenderman wannabe, Lomfon! That must mean that I liked him immediately, right?

Love is not a competition that you can win or lose. It's something you feel and share. There are a million things in and around love that can be made sense of, and added up like a math problem, like interests, hobbies, morals, desires, and fears, but the feeling of love itself is not logical. And I hate the part of me that can't get over that fact, and I'm working on it.

That's why I was initially so wary of Lomfon. I thought the show was gonna let him run amok and then teach him a "lesson" about love, after all the destruction is said and done. And then, episode 8 came around, and Lomfon became the character with the most potential for growth in the coming episodes, and I was so excited to see how the show would take him on this journey.

How do you teach a skeptic to believe? You give him a situation that he cannot logic his way out of, aka, two potential soulmates. This is the story I expected to play out last night, but of course, they subverted this expectation because this show is made by people who are much smarter than me.

Episode 9 is crafted to make skeptics believe in spontaneous, head-in-the-clouds love, rooted in coincidence, but the target is not Lomfon, but me. And possibly you. And all of us, the audience.

I'm going to take a broad, but confident guess that the people reading this piece are non-believers when it comes to soulmates. It sounds too good to be true and so fantastical to ever happen in real life.

Soulmate trope exists for a reason. It's comforting to think about a person who exists right now who might cross paths with us on a random day and change our lives for the better. When life is cruel and relentless and we long for better times, we wish we could reach into the future and get a hug from the person we haven't even met yet, but who will someday mean everything to us and more. When life is kind to us, on a warm sunny day, we could be hit with sudden melancholia for a lover we have not loved yet.

In La Pluie, Patts and Tai wanted to defy their destinies at different points in the show. And they did, in their own way. In episode 8, they decided to be with each other not because they could hear each other when it rained, but because they like each other and choose to be together.

The show constantly puts the soulmate trope under a microscope and analyzes it, criticizes it and subverts it. But episode 9 was different. It leaned into the trope. It established a connection between Patts and Tai that was completely circumstantial and could end abruptly at any given moment. And it did, with the death of Patts' grandma.

I've been wondering since last night: why take this detour? And I believe that the show knows its audience, know that our cynical brains would get extremely excited by a piece of media dissecting the idea of fated love and commenting on it. How choice matters more than anything else. And I see episode 9 as its attempt to nudge us in the opposite direction, ever so slightly. Because while the Rainverse of La Pluie can bring many complications to the love lives of the main characters, real life is much, much worse.

In the sport of modern dating, a clear mind with sound logical abilities is the key skill required for success, according to all the self-proclaimed relationship experts on social media. Our guts are not to be trusted anymore, since we are all traumatized and will automatically seek a shitty relationship because that's the one that feels familiar. Love-bombing is a manipulation technique, you must read about it and be aware of the ways to spot it. Do you know what Negging is? The red flags, green flags, and beige flags? Every action, every gift, every romantic gesture might have a sinister intention behind it.

Finding love is an exhausting process. Yes, it is important to be informed and safe, but in the process, we tend to forget the beauty of the very thing we are trying to find. The beauty of love is not singular in the choices that we make. Mature and time-hardened love is beautiful in its strength and choice, yes, but budding, fledgling love can also be beautiful in its spontaneity. And while finding your perfectly compatible person can feel pretty amazing after hours of meticulous swiping on apps, so can the knowledge of finding out YEARS later that your lives were ever so briefly intertwined in the past and you didn't even notice it at the time.

Emotional maturity and compatibility are necessary to sustain love, but spontaneity, silliness, and sometimes, happenstance are the ones that sweeten it. The show appreciates the skepticism about destiny and fate, but it also makes sure to never position itself against romance. Against the possibility of life surprising us in the moments we least expect it. Because while we strive everyday to make some sense of the chaos life throws us into, it might not hurt to let our heads float to the clouds, every once in a while, and see the beauty in chaos.

[definitely-not-iorveth]

i want to talk about izzy and his love for edward/blackbeard.

i want to talk about how edward is a person, and how blackbeard is a concept.

i want to talk about how i believe that izzy never loved the person - he was only ever in love with the concept. (for as long as the real life representation of that concept stayed true to it, anyway. but i'll get to that.)

i want to talk about how it translates into him first hating stede bonnet, and then essentially abandoning blackbeard for the same man in s2.

so.

izzy is a pirate who loves pirating. raiding, pillaging, living at sea, the whole package. he also loves being first mate: bossing people around, feeling competent and important and needed.

perhaps he doesn't love cruelty and violence, hurting and maiming and killing people, all the nasty parts of the business - but he certainly doesn't mind it, has no problem with using all of it as means to an end.

the thing about izzy, though, is that he couldn't have achieved this lifestyle on his own. he could never be a leader on his own merit; he lacks the charisma and the skills for it.

we know it. we've seen it.

edward teach, on the other hand? edward teach has these, and as blackbeard, he utilizes them very efficiently to become one of the most fearsome pirate captains to sail the sea.

and so, izzy loves blackbeard, because izzy needs blackbeard. needs him to serve as an instrument that guarantees the continuous enjoyment of his lifestyle and position of power.

enter stede bonnet.

stede poses two dangers to izzy. firstly, he threatens izzy's position as blackbeard's closest friend and confidant by getting close to edward, closer than izzy himself had ever gotten. closer than izzy could have ever gotten - because to do that, he would need to look past the blackbeard persona and see the actual person beneath it, the way stede does. (stede, in my opinion, takes it too far in the other direction on the other hand; he doesn't quite realize that blackbeard is a mask, a disguise that edward wears to protect himself, conflates it with the person edward is, and in doing so gives blackbeard more depth and dimension than he actually has. but that's a topic for another discussion.)

secondly, despite being (in izzy's opinion) a bumbling, incompetent fool, an antithesis of izzy's entire idea of what a pirate captain should be, he still proves more capable of it than izzy himself is, undoubtedly undermining izzy's self-esteem in the process.

thirdly, he shows izzy, and, more importantly, edward, that being a pirate captain doesn't have to revolve solely around violence and intimidation. that bonding with the crew has a merit and often works better than forcefully bending them to your will, that it gives tangible results. by doing this, he simultaneously distances izzy from edward further, challenges izzy's worldview, and, again, most likely undermines his self-esteem, bc from what we've seen, i'm pretty cartain that a large part of it is built on being perceived as scary and threatening.

fast forward to the talent show discussion. i'm not going to dissect it in its entirety, but there is one key thing i need to mention. at some point, ed says: "why are we even being pirates?"

izzy is not happy with the whole thing, how could he be? edward is not acting the way he expects him to, isn't stepping back into the role he occupies in izzy's mind. and that moment, that sentence, summarizes izzy's entire reason for why he isn't happy with it. "why are we even being pirates?" izzy knows why. he likes being a pirate. more importantly, he can't imagine himself being anything else. his identity as a pirate seems to define his very being. but, as already established, he needs blackbeard for it to work - and now, in this moment, edward threatens to take it all away from him.

so, of course, izzy takes matters into his own hands, and forces edward back into the role, with devastating consequences for everyone - izzy included.

the bubble bursts, the magical fairy tale is over. edward spirals, blackbeard becomes a force more destructive than ever, and this time, izzy is not standing safely on the sidelines. this time, izzy is squarely in his way. (and he conveniently forgets that he's the one who put himself there in the first place.) he's not special anymore - blackbeard is hostile to him, runs him dry just as he does to the rest of the crew, and cuts off his toes.

once it starts affecting him personally, once blackbeard gets out of hand and izzy loses all control of the situation, izzy slowly begins to realize that the blackbeard he built up in his head is not real, but just an idealization, and the real thing is far scarier and far more dangerous. he represses and denies this, of course, he's very good at that, but it's pretty obvious that he's starting to crumble.

his love and affection for blackbeard is starting to crumble.

i think the moment edward shoots him is the moment it fully dawns on izzy that he no longer can use him as a viable crutch.

he still needs one, though. he is not at a point where he can stand on his own.

enter (again) stede bonnet.

stede takes over the proceedings on the revenge immediately. the crew may think he's silly and make fun of him for it, they realize how deeply flawed as a captain he is - but he is the captain. no one questions that.

not even izzy.

he's not looking for a crutch in stede. probably doesn't believe him capable of filling the role blackbeard did, plus, at this point he has other issues: he's still coping with the loss of his leg and adjusting to the prosthetic.

instead, stede comes to him, compliments him, makes him feel good. he is no longer an enemy, he is now a sympathizer. he is someone in a position of power and authority, coming to izzy and asking him for guidance - asking izzy to mold him into a second blackbeard, essentially.

naturally, izzy jumps at the chance.

this, as we can see, brings results rather quickly: under izzy's influence, stede becomes better at pirating, all the while looking to izzy for approval. based on that, they establish a sort of rapport, allowing izzy to seamlessly slide into the recently-vacated role of stede's first mate.

suddenly, he gets back everything he wanted. once again, he's a proper pirate and a proper first mate, and it all comes to him without any real effort of his own.

that's when he finally throws blackbeard away: he doesn't need him anymore, he has stede in his place.

that's also when he stops ignoring edward, the moment he finally begins to acknowledge him as a person.

not because he cares about him, but because to fully get rid of the instrument he saw him as, he needs to put something new in its place.

[slippery-domjot-balls]

DS9 S4 E17 Accession - Slippy Analysis

Sisko is the Emissary....but then the wormhole poops out this super old Bajoran spaceship with some poet man named Akorem who claims to also be the Emissary.

This episode is about reconciling who people think you are compared to who you want to be. We all face the expectations and perspectives that people have for us, so let's take a page out of the Sisko playbook of self-confidence and learn for ourselves!

First step is brooding. He is really talented at brooding.

Since the moment he took command of DS9 he has had the challenge of being viewed as a critical religious figure in an alien religion. I cannot imagine moving to a new town and then having everyone tell me that I am some spiritual messiah and savior for them.

At first there would be denial. Sisko does not accept the mantle of Emissary and denies that he is that figure in Bajoran society.

We see Sisko begin this episode as a man that humors Bajoran society. He knows their expectations for him and he carries out his duty out of sympathy, but he is not a believer. In fact, he is somewhat spiteful of the spiritual calling. Given the chance he would retire from the role.

Enter the chance.

Akorem is all in with the Emissary calling. Sisko sees this and with relief abdicates his role.

Akorem wants to help Bajoran spiritual development. He is serving the Prophets because he believes their will is what is best for Bajorans. Thus, he reinstitutes the D'Jarras, that dreadful caste system.

We have our own D'Jarras in real life. The D'Jarras have potential for positivity and negativity. If your passions line up with your D'Jarra then all doors figuratively are open to you. One of my personal passions is reading. If my D'Jarra was to curate books and review books then I would naturally have all opportunities to pursue that and maintain some form of security to provide for my life's obligations. Sounds nice, but it still have the caveat of job inflexibility and someone else dictating what I can be allowed to do for my entire life.

The primary negative is that the D'Jarra system dictates levels of social standing and respect. This negates individuality, personal autonomy, and erases dignity based on who you are as a person.

Some societies might practice something more parallel to the DS9 caste system in reality, but we all feel the pressures of what others tell us to do in our lives. We hear things like "oh that won't give you financial stability or success" or we might be told "that is ridiculous don't do that". Some voices encourage and influence us in one direction or another. No one is immune.

The key is, just like Sisko, we must find balance. We need support from people that love us and want us to pursue our own desires.

Society needs us and wants our abilities to make the entire community better. We need society as we benefit from everyone else's input. But our purpose in life is more than just to labor to keep the species alive. That purpose varies from individual to individual. Some find purpose in seeking divine connections or deity worship, others find it in creation and arts, while some find purpose through manipulation and power and greed.

Sisko finds the D'jarra caste system deplorable, and it drives him to become a more genuine advocate for the Bajorans. He sees the pain and strife caused by the caste system. He has grown to accept that he can serve Bajor in a spiritual capacity while not compromising his personal dignity and at this point wants to do so. He is not humoring Bajorans, but genuinely serving them by providing them with spiritual comfort through ritual.

By the end of the episode Sisko has become a better Emissary....maybe this was by design???

We've got to talk about our favorite girl!!! Goodness I just love her so much.

Accession provides two characters for the audience to relate with. Sisko represents the moments where we feel responsibility does not fit our comforts or desires, but it is still good for us and we must grow into the new role.

Kira is when we are given a responsibility that ultimately does not work with us or provide positive growth.

She is a phenomenal person. Despite her artistic challenges and inexperience she gives it her best. She has a high work ethic and is honest. When life gives her a task she dives in and tries no matter the opposition. Kira is the type of person that we should all emulate, but also learn from. She let her faith blind her to the truth.

She does not give up, but she recognizes that Sisko provides the progress Bajorans need. She overcame her blindness.

Kira went on a spiritual journey herself in order to accept Sisko as the Emissary.

Imagine growing up and being told that someone will save your people from disaster. You are given a job in the building that used to imprison your friends and work them to death. The new big boss in town is a representative of a foreign government sending aid to your people. The Space Nuns now tell you and all your people that the new foreign government dude is the very savior you have all been waiting for.....

How could he be though? He doesn't know your religion. He does not know your culture. Hell, he doesn't even know traditional foods (well maybe Sisko does since he is such a foodie).

Anyway, that is a GYNORMOUS leap of faith. Kira has made it though. She believes is Sisko as the Emissary. I think she believes in him now more than ever since Akorem has taken over. Kira knows that Sisko is the Emissary, but she supports him to the point of even watching him reject his calling.

We all should take confidence in ourselves. Public standing, reputation, social station, and responsibility are irrelevant. What you decide to do with your life despite all odds is your prerogative. There will always be obstacles and doubts that want to change or shape your path in life. Tread with determination and bring good friends with you.

Today's "thank you for reading this long post" is a lipstick heavy smooch on the cheek. 💋

[wednesdaypasta]

Asuka Langley Sohryu analysis

VERY LONG POST!!!!!!! 

This essay is purely for my own autistic ass, make of it what you will lol.

Asuka is often viewed as a conceited, narcissistic and deeply flawed character in NGE. I don’t believe Soryu is truly as horrendous as others perceive her to be, perhaps that is due to my own projections or simply me giving her the benefit of the doubt, so I’ve decided to take it upon myself to truly understand every aspect of her traumas, her actions throughout the series and finally her death. I want to know what caused her to become such a self loathing yet egotistical child. every tiny detail of her personality can be traced back to specific events, she's been created with such detail and precision, it's hard not to want to delve deeper into her story.

Prior to the traumatic events of NGE Asuka had a horrific home life. She was neglected by her mother who was busy with work, leaving Asuka feeling irrelevant. This sparked an overwhelming need for attention, which followed her from early childhood right until her last breath.

 Kyoko Sohryu (Asuka’s mother)  was a key scientist in the German division of Gehirn. (What would later become NERV’s third branch.) She was the subject of the contact experiment with Unit-02, where during this experiment part of Koyokos soul would bond with the eva, causing severe mental damage. This led to her becoming incredibly unstable and psychotic, believing one of Asuka’s dolls was her daughter rather than Asuka. As a result of her mothers insanity, Asuka felt even more neglected and abandoned. She was replaced by a doll, not even a human, but an inanimate object. 

At Kyoko’s most deranged she pleaded Asuka to die with her in a double suicide, to which Asuka, in an act of desperation to be loved, agreed. Her mother instead hung herself alongside the doll. Asuka was so replaceable to her own mother that she wasn't even worth being killed. In later life Asuka grows to feel utter contempt and disgust towards her own weakness; she was completely vulnerable and desperate to be loved, so much so that she would have died. She’s extremely black or white. If he can’t be loved, she should die.

The Asuka we are first introduced to doesn't seem to carry much of this weight at all. She’s bright, bubbly, feisty and fun. Her presence brings a much needed lift to the show with dance routines, montages and general playfulness from both her and Shinji. How can such a broken character appear so confident? Asuka uses her ego as a safety net, she wants to appear as confident (if not bordering on narcissistic) as possible to hide the fact that she is very much still an insecure child.  If she doesn't appear vulnerable, no one can hurt her. Her confidence will project onto those around her and she will be the most loved girl in Japan, right? She is the best Eva pilot by far, they need her. These thoughts are enough to keep her not only alive, but living.

Obviously this doesn't keep up, as we see Shinji strike Asuka’s nerves more and more with every episode that passes. Shinji is the counterpart to Asuka, everything that he lacks, she will overcompensate with. His nonchalant, pessimistic, self pitying attitude is everything she hates. But shinji isn't all too dissimilar from Asuka at all, his ego is absolutely huge; if he isn’t happy, why should anyone else be, he's not loved so everyone should die. Everything that Asuka pushes onto herself, Shinji pushes onto others. This causes a very expected clash between the two. Part of me believes that Asuka potentially sees in Shinji what she could have become if she had not been chosen to pilot unit-02. Someone merely existing, an insecure child whining at any given chance about doing this, that and the next thing. Someone ‘useless’. Asuka demands to be used at any given chance for recognition and validation, even at the prospective cost of her life/sanity.

While Shinji is the embodiment of the internal threat of her deep rooted shame, insecurities and fears, Rei represents the external threat that she can and will be replaced. Rei is the golden child, she does as she’s told, she fights well. This can be proven in episode 22 after Asuka has yet again been defeated by an angel, her sync rates drop. This comes as a massive blow to her fragile ego. To make it worse, Ritsko notices Asukas mental disturbance and orders Rei to shoot the Angel, leaving Asuka literally in her shadow. This is when the mindrape (i hate that term but i can't think of anything better to describe it as) occurs, leaving Ritsuko no choice but to start looking for a replacement pilot. Rei ends up saving her by using the spear of longinus. This absolutely destroys Asuka, how could she be shadowed, let alone saved by someone as spineless as Rei? She's being replaced yet again, bringing her back to square one in regards to her Mothers horrific passing. At this point both Shinji and Rei are performing better than her, proving her to be useless. The very thing she berated Shinji for from the beginning.

Kaji and Misato also play some of the most important roles in Asukas life, being her only acting guardians. Kaji is the only person we see Asuka actively regress back into a childlike state with. Her pleas to be recognised and loved by him are overwhelmingly upsetting. Screaming that she is an adult, that she wants to have intercourse by him and be viewed as somewhat of an object is a desperate cry for help. She wants to prove that she’s no longer an insecure child, but her ways of doing so only prove that more. While Kaji never made advances on her, he equally enabled it to an extent. I believe that sex is what Asuka perceives as the most adult thing she can comprehend, so she yearns for it with an adult figure to not only prove to him but herself that she is no longer the sobbing infant at her mother’s dangling feet. Kaji seems somewhat aware of her past, which may be why he never put his foot down with her. He knows that the harsh rejection of her advances would cause the spiral that eventually came due to her sync scores dropping. Pleading for intimacy may also be (in her mind) one of the least shameful ways for Asuka to beg for validation. We never saw Asuka in this state with any of her classmates, leading me to believe that she uses Kaji as he is somewhat of a parental figure to her, as fucked up as that is. She needs him to validate and praise her as she never got that from either of her parents, but would never hurt her pride by saying that blatantly therefore relying on sex to get her point across. When it’s revealed that Misato had previous relations with Kaji, this obviously hurts Asuka’s ego to an extent. She views Misato as a fully fledged woman who, like Rei, is capable of what she is not. Asuka’s battle with the constant sexualisation of herself is one of the most misunderstood parts of her character. A lot of people seem to believe it was used as fucked up fanservice, but i wholeheartedly think it’s a very jarringly real way to portray how neglect and abuse can affect a young girl, regardless of how uncomfortable it is to watch firsthand. It rounds out her backstory fully and adds a whole other level of depth to her character for individuals to identify with.

At the end of Evangelion we have a broken, soulless and decayed Asuka. She is no longer the abrasive, confident and overbearing character some of us (guiltily) adored. Only a miracle could bring back the determined character we know and love. Thrown into unit-02 for safety, Soryu is left comatosed only for her mothers voice to wake her. Kyoko can be heard saying the words ‘You’re alive!’ several times. This implies that the maternal part of Kyoko's soul was the one trapped inside unit-02, and is now cheering Asuka to fight, to live! However, another voice joins in, begging Asuka to ‘Please die with me!’. Both these voices mix together, thus suggesting that the insane Kyoko and Maternal Kyoko have merged together inside the Eva. Regardless of her mother chanting to die with her, the voice telling her to live on shines through and provides the motivation to have one of (what I consider) one of the best battles in cinematic history. Asuka comes to the realization that she was never truly alone. Her mother was always watching over her, watching her pilot the eva. Everything she had ever longed for was truly validated in that moment. She fought with a might that we had never seen before, she truly gave it her all. It feels so incredibly bittersweet to see her truly at her happiest, screaming out ‘mama!’ as she brutally tears mass unit eva’s to shreds, smashing their heads in, ripping off limbs etc. The whole scene is so authentically Asuka Langley Sohryu. The sheer shock, the horrifying events unfolding while she has a wide grin on her face. She was actively risking her life knowing she has the validation she has craved since he was a toddler. Everything I have spoken about in this essay truly comes together in this heart wrenching scene; her screaming about useless shinji, her crying out for her ‘mama’, her overbearing confidence in herself. Even in her last moments she was determined, not to prove to anyone else but herself that she was useful. She says through gritted teeth and a struggling breath ‘I’ll kill you’ thus proving how she was genuinely set on being seen till her very last moments on earth.

I firmly believe that Asuka is one of the most well thought out and genuinely complete characters I’ve ever seen in fiction. While she is not the most ‘likeble’ she provides a very important role in making Neon Genesis Evangelion the show we know and love. Anno has done a fantastic job of creating a character that is so easy to hate yet so easy to relate to. As previously mentioned, some of this may be projection but I truly do feel she is a character anyone could pick apart and find some sort of self in.

[360degreesasthecrowflies]

Some thoughts on corporate teambuilding events, capitalism & boomer-vision

I had my first 'teambuilding conference' at work yesterday and it was such an interesting thing to be in the room for. I might write something longer about it at some point but a few key things that stood out right away:

These kinds of events feel very much like the brainchild of boomers and still taking that work ethic/approach to work as a) absolutely universal across the organisation as a norm - newsflash they very much are NOT - and b) absolutely natural, obvious, default. We had roughly two hours on the history of the organisation and 'what's happened in the four years since you were all last here, and what we expect to see in the next five years when we do another one of these' - as if a majority of the people in the room have been there for so long AND expect to be in the same job, or at least in similar roles, for life. But interestingly, obviously enough people on the organising committee or in the room DID feel that that was realistic, and something that we would actually be invested in learning more about. The thing is, I do care about my job. I don't dislike it and I do think broadly it's valuable. But that doesn't mean I care a jot about the organisation, the leadership or its history, growth etc. for anything more than if they can still afford to pay me or if they can still afford to provide the services to the client they said they would and signed up to. It feels almost performative that anyone in the room would care more than that.

Similarly, there were a lot of other assumptions made about the people in the room, which particularly came out through the 'wellbeing/mindfulness' activity we did in the afternoon. The assumption was very much that we were a room of people whose only issues might be small interpersonal things in the backdrop to what was otherwise a comfortable, middle-class, married, parenting, healthy and able bodied, existence. (e.g. - overthinking things, not believing in yourself enough etc... as if the only possible barriers to thriving in the workplace in 2023 might be personal psychological barriers a person has created for themself and can overcome easily by the power of positive thinking, reframing or confidence boosts etc.) Which in itself felt quite... anti intersectionality and awareness of the individual real and impactful external difficulties, that people might be struggling with or up against. (So again, performative)

One of the things we had specifically was to, in groups, discuss the 'three things you're grateful for today', that we were assured we would all have if we just thought hard enough about. It was great to be told how we all had that by the unbelievably cheery, straight white married dad guy who was giving the presentation. Didn't you know, he didn't used to be thankful for his children or the fact he owned a house? Like my dude, at which point does your own low self-awareness of your own privilege become a teaching point for a group of strangers without the recognition that that actually kinda comes off like a brag? I also was struck once again by the implicit messaging that work should be a place where everyone is comfortable to share everything about themself with everyone, and to be a major, if not the only, social space that adults inhabit. Once again, this feels like something that a very non diverse board thought up. As a queer person in a majority straight, and likely conservative workplace, I need to always police myself and say what's safe, because ultimately, I'm not there working as a hobby. This is how I pay for things in my life, and that relies on keeping that environment as safe and comfortable as possible to avoid real conflicts that might escalate and actively put me in danger. This is the country that just voted for Brexit and Boris Johnson after all.

There was once again, a lot to read between the lines, and - perhaps because of the establishing backdrop, giving us the presentation about unity, history etc. and so on - was that a deliberate psychological technique I now wonder? - anyway, a lot of people in the room didn't seem to be actually reading between those lines. So some things that were mentioned in the later sessions in the day; the financial pressures the company was under to meet obligations (so... that means cuts, or a lack of payrises, or possibly not delivering our services as promised?), or the fact that a majority of our projects delivered little value and didn't cover themselves monetarily (so... how are we going to afford to do them? why are we doing them? ARE we going to keep doing them, are people going to lose their jobs?) The interesting thing once again that struck me was that these things were both presented as inevitabilities, but also things that we as a group of people would all have to deal with together as they came up, as if just because we CURRENTLY worked there in certain roles, if anything changed, we would somehow have to just take it and suck it up and suffer in those roles instead of... moving on for a better opportunity and leaving the leadership to pick up the pieces of the messes that they themselves ended up making. Like folks, the thing is, if you're going to tout collective responsibility and organisational solidarity, you can't have a hierarchical model of who makes the decisions. And if you're going to, it's pretty bad form to attempt to psychologically manipulate your underlings to feel bad about things they have no control over, and to stay in a bad or difficult situation that you single-handedly ended up creating.

Of course, what was interesting is that those of us in the room who were a bit younger and who have already worked through hardships and adversities, who are used to not being respected or treated fairly in the workplace or appreciated for what we do and given opportunities to progress, literally didn't give any of this the time of day. It came across to us like polite fiction towards the members of staff who wanted to delude themselves and put their heads in the sand. Ironically, this team day that was meant to be about discovering our commonalities and finding better ways to work together just illustrated more clearly than ever how some of us are living in the real world regarding the current economy and situation, and some of us aren't. Well sadly, if things do go a bit tits up, it's those who aren't who are going to be caught out, and the longer these kinds of delusions and optimistic beliefs persist, the bigger that crash is going to be both financially and in terms of self image and what they've invested in psychologically. And then what good is wellbeing and mindfulness going to be when the very foundations that you've built yourself around have crumbled under you?

[samijey]

Something I’ve not seen a lot of people talk about is what losing the belts will mean for Roman, what will happen to him and how will he react.

My theory is he’s going to have some sort of fear induced psychotic melt down with a lot of casualties. I noticed that Roman’s fear response is to curl in on himself and hide his face while grabbing his hair as if trying to be smaller. We’ve seen this happen in the Cody match after one of the kick outs and most notably right after Sami’s chair shot at RR (there are a few extra angles from actual attendees that show it clearly, as well as Solo checking on him).

He also seems almost manic in these matches as well and doesn’t shy away from violating his alleged principles (he talks about caring for his family, even using them to justify his behavior all the while taunting his opponent’s family members with their husbands/fathers beaten body)

I wonder if this weird manic anxiety is because of the oft referenced elders, fear over becoming unloved by the fans or something else.

I’m sorry for this massive CHUNK of an ask but I’d love to hear your take on this.

Roman is such a deeply layered character and I love the fact that the writers didn't simply wipe his slate clean when he returned as a heel - the Shield connection is very much still present in the Tribal Chief persona and you could argue that Seth's betrayal is still the key moment that has lead to Roman being what he is now.

I think Sami pulling the trigger at the Rumble and hitting him with that chair, mirroring Seth in 2014, was the last drop that sent Roman off the deep end in terms of paranoia and his line to Solo as the show closed was a big indicator of that: "We're at war now, Solo // We take no prisoners now." In his head, Roman put his guard down and allowed someone outside his family (the people he keeps firmly under his thumb because he has power over) to get close to him and Sami "betrayed him" in the worst possible way not only by using a chair like Seth had but by "taking" Jey away from the family - I don't think that brief moment of Roman sitting to the side looking heartbroken and regaining his composure after the chair shot at RR was an accident - he sold it like he REALLY was shocked and hurt, which says a lot about the layers of delusion, insecurity and lack of self-awareness that make up the character of the Tribal Chief.

To your point - the titles have a somewhat irregular time in the spotlight - they were an afterthought in Roman's feud with Sami because Sami never really wanted the titles and only came for them as a way to get revenge on Roman and destroy his influence over the rest of the Bloodline. The titles were the means to an end, not the end itself. With Cody, the titles were the main point but the narrative became a bit muddled, given that Cody's goal is to win the WWE Championship specifically, so the unified title Roman currently carries isn't a perfect fit for the story - I could rant for 3 years about how much WWE should've separated the belts by now (or alternatively merged them into a single belt, the WWE championship, and create a new top belt for RAW) but no one wants to hear that!

Roman's influence is inseparable from the titles - he's carried those belts for so long now that it's become impossible to imagine his current character without them. I have no idea of who will beat Roman - it might still be Cody (if he beats Brock at Backlash, we're almost sure to get a title rematch at Summerslam) but I'm not expecting Roman to go ballistic on the person who takes the titles from him - I'm expecting him to take his anger out on his own family. I do want to see Roman react badly to the loss and go through a complete identity crisis. If the Bloodline is somehow still intact at that point in the story, Roman losing the belts HAS to jump-start a complete implosion in the group.

This Roman isn't a character who is confident in himself - he doesn't believe his own value. Constantly asking fans and peers to acknowledge him? Insecurity. Having the Bloodline constantly interfere in his matches? Insecurity. Going off on his own family over any perceived disrespect? Insecurity. Isolating Solo from his brothers the second Solo shows signs of independent thinking? Insecurity. Seeing betrayal in Sami's eyes at WarGames when there was nothing there? INSECURITY.

Something I do want to point out was how meaningful it was for Roman to give Jey the chair at Elimination Chamber, followed by very deliberately turning his back on him - Roman wasn't being naive and leaving himself open accidentally - was very much goading Jey into taking the shot because he knew it was a win-win situation regardless of what happened - either Jey would take the shot and prove Roman's paranoia and distrust right or he'd hit Sami and prove himself loyal to the family once again. The fact that Jey did neither just adds to how tragic his situation is for someone who had such a perfect opportunity to set himself free but couldn't bring himself to do it in time. I still believe Jey is the best narrative choice to take the belts from Roman but with each passing week that seems less and less likely and it makes me cry.

So yeah, Roman losing the titles has to be big and it has to lead to a radical shift in his character - I only fear that he'll be off TV for a long time immediately after losing and the story will once again lose steam. We're seeing this effect right now where the hype leading into mania has evaporated within weeks because all the developments we now want to see NEED Roman to be there yet he's nowhere to be seen and will probably only come back shortly before Night of Champions to set up a nothing title match for the Saudi show.

Roman losing the titles has the potential to send his character into a self-destructive spiral that he has to overcome, eventually leading to a nice story of redemption where he FINALLY ends up as the top babyface WWE always wanted him to be. Do I trust WWE to do any of this right thought? No.

[altr5312916195]

EgoTober Notes and Master List

Hey Gamers! So @tracobuttons has dropped the Egotober prompt list and this year, I'll be writing again. I've been writing for Egotober since it was started but in years past I only got a few out, there was no cohesive story. Last year I actually wrote every day and it got a lot more attention than I expected. Last year I had a coherent storyline, and because all stories were left on cliff hangers I'm going to continue with it during this year.

One thing that happened last year though was a lot of people asking me how my universe worked around the Septic and Iplier Egos and this post will serve as that information post.

So, here is my Egotober Masterlist and notes guide to Raspy Hill!

What Egos exist in my canon?

In the Iplier Manor: Darkiplier, Wilford Warfstache, The Jims, King of the Squirrels (Kos, prounounced cause, for short) Yancy, Google, Bing, YandereIplier (Yani, pronounced -yuh-ann-ee, for short), Annus, Heehoo, Actor!Mark (Mark Iplier), really anyone conistently seen post Markiplier TV

In the Septic House: JackieBoyMan, Henrik Von Schneeplestien, Anti, Chase, Marvin, Jameson Jackson, and Robbie.

Where do the Egos exist?

Depending on the Ego they will live full time in Raspy Hill. All of the Iplier Egos are confided to Raspy Hill because of Mark, save for Wilford and Dark who are able to leave the confines for short periods.

The Septic Egos are more of a case by case thing, for instance, Chase and Jackie live in the subdivision of Attitude City, LA (yes that Attitude City) Henrik works in LA as well, at IRIS facilites.

Marvin, Jamie, and Robbie stay in Raspy Hill due to needing its magic to survive.

What is Raspy Hill?

You know that theory that's like "if humans believe in something enough it's real" keep that in mind.

In my canon Mark and Sean do exist. While Sean is connected to the Septic Egos in more of a magic way. They need someone human to tell their stories and connected them to the normal realm. (This is where that theory comes in) Raspy Hill is their inherent home, so if Jack stops telling their stories and fans stop caring they can become confined to Raspy Hill or even disappear all together.

But the Iplier Egos are different, they are anchored to Mark Iplier. Iplier was reincarnated in our Mark, and if his spirit persists so do the Ipliers.

If you're curious about anything else, just shoot me a message or an Ask. :)

Egotober '22 Master List

October 1 - Hoodie - JackieBoyMan (TWs: None)

October 2 - Leaves - Chase Brody (TWs:None)

October 3 - Ink - Jamesone Jackson (TWs:None)

October 4 - Grey - Jameson Jackson (TWs:Anxious thoughts)

October 5 - Water - Chase Brody (TWs: Allusions to car crash and drowning)

October 6 - Doctor - Henrik Von Schneeplestien, Antisepticeye (TWs: None)

October 7 - Peaceful - Chase Brody (TWs: Allusion to car crash)

October 8 - Key - Darkiplier (TWs:None)

October 9 - Shattered - Darkiplier (TWs: None)

October 10

October 11 - Game - Chase Brody (TWs: None)

October 12 - Metal - Henrik and Chase Brody (TWs: mentions of dissasociation, mentions of blood)

October 13 - Sky - Chase Brody (TWs: Mentions of blood, Allusion to past self harm, falling)

October 14

October 15 - Plant - Jameson Jackson, Marvin the Magnificent (TWs: None)

October 16 - Dragon - Marvin (TWs:None)

October 17 - Path - Darkiplier (TWs:None)

October 18 - Wings - Darkiplier (TWs:None)

October 19

October 20 - Alarm - Henrik, Chase Brody (TWs:Mentions of blood)

October 21 - IRIS - Henrik, Chase Brody (TWs: Mentions of blood and vomit)

October 22 - Buried - Jameson Jackson, Robbie the Zombie (TWs:None)

October 23

October 24 - Creepy - Robbie, Jameson Jackson (TWs:None)

October 25 - Magic - Marvin, Antisepticeye (TWs:Mentions of burning/being burnt, knife mention)

October 26 - Bones - Wilford Warfstache, Darkiplier (TWs:None)

October 27 - Expirement - Henrik, Chase Brody (TWs:None)

October 28 - Purple - Jamie, Robbie, Jackie (TWs: Mentions of burning/being burnt)

October 29 - Ghost - Dark, Wilford (TWs:None)

October 30 - Pumpkin - Chase Brody (TWs: Mentions of drugging)

October 31 - Happy Halloween - Chase Brody (TWs:Allusion to falling, dissasociation)

Egotober 23' Masterlist

October 1 - Cape - JackieBoyMan

October 2 - Stone - Marvin (TWs: mentions of blood)

October 3 - Drink - Chase Brody (TWs: Allusions to substance abuse)

October 4 - Happy - Chase Brody (TWs: Mentions of drugging)

October 5 - Jar - Marvin

October 6 - Pillow - Chase Brody

October 7 - Leaves - Chase Brody

October 8- Frame - Henrik Von Schneeplestien

October 9 - Antlers - Marvin

October 10 - Glitch - AntiSepticEye

October 11 - Metal - AntiSepticEye, Henrik Von Schneeplestien (TWs: Implied drugging)

October 12 - Green - AntiSepticEye

October 13 - Mirror - Darkiplier

October 14 - Time - Wilford Warfstache

October 15 - Strong - JackieBoyMan, Chase Brody

October 16 - Cards - Marvin

October 17 - Flower - Robbie the Zombie, Jameson Jackson

October 18 - Rage - Wilford Warfstache (TWs: confusion/dissasociation)

October 19 - Silver - Darkiplier, Wilford Warfstache

October 20 - Music - Wilford Warfstache

October 21 - Shadow - Marvin

October 22 - Vampire - Yani, Bingiplier

October 23 - Web - Darkiplier, Wilford Warfstache, Mark Iplier

October 24 - Fire - The House

October 25 - Cauldron - Marvin

October 26 - Werewolf - Bingiplier, Yani

October 27 - Orange - Darkiplier

October 28 - Ghost - Wilford Warfstache

October 29 - Fright - AntiSepticEye (TWs: Mild body horror, blood, religious allusions)

October 30 - Witch - Marvin (TWs: Allusion of gore)

October 31 - Happy Halloween (TWs: Blood)

Egotober '24 Masterlist

October 1 - Puppet - AntiSepticEye, Henrik Von Schneeplestien, Marvin, JackieBoyMan

October 2 - Bird - Darkiplier, Marvin, AntiSepticEye

October 3 - Jewel - Marvin, AntiSepticEye, JackieBoy-Man

October 4 - Fluffy - Dark, Wilford Warfstache, Yani, Bing, Chase Brody

October 5 - Calm - Dark, Yani, Chase Brody, Wilford Warfstache, Bingiplier

October 6 - Bubbles - Marvin, AntiSepticEye, JackieBoy-Man, Darkiplkier, Kos

October 7 - Power - Marvin, JackieBoy Man, Dark, AntiSepticEye, Kos

October 8 - Skateboard - Chase Brody, Bing, Yani, Wilford Warfstache

October 9 - Red - AntiSepticEye, Dark, Marvin, JackieBoy-Man

October 10 - Virus - AntiSepticEye, Chase Brody, Marvin, Henrik Von Schneeplestien

October 11 - Book - Marvin, Henrik Von Schneeplestien, JackieBoy Man

October 12 - Portal - Marvin, Henrik Von Schneeplestien, JackieBoy Man

October 13 - Clock work - Dark, Wilford Warfstache, Y/N

October 14 - Blue - Dark, Damien, Celine, Y/N

October 15 - Scarecrow - Yani, Wilford, Bing

October 16 - Mask - JackieBoy Man, AntiSepticEye, Marvin

October 17 - Inky - Jameson Jackson, AntiSepticEye, Marvin

October 18 - Yellow - Bing, Yani, Dark, Wilford

October 19 - Antique - Dark, Wilford

October 20 - Grim Reaper - AntiSepticEye

October 21 - Potion - Marvin, Chase Brody

October 22 - Haunted - Darkiplier, Wilford, Y/N, Kos

October 23 - Eyeballs - AntiSepticEye, Marvin, Chase Brody, JackieBoy Man, Henrik Von Schneeplestien

October 24 - Demon - Dark, Wilford, Y/N, Kos

October 25 - Grave - Robbie, Marvin, Dark, Jameson, Kos

October 26 - Spell - Marvin, Jameson, AntiSepticEye

October 27 - Ghoul - AntiSepticEye, Marvin, Henrik Von Schneeplestien, Dark, Kos

October 28 - Creepy - AntiSepticEye, Marvin, Dark, Wilford, Yani

October 29 - Mummy - Yani, Dark, Robbie, Jameson

October 30 - Purple - Robbie, Jameson

October 31 - Happy Halloween - AntiSepticEye, Marvin, JackieBoy Man, Dark, Kos

[wanderinglotus7]

I appreciated reading this book. Another book about feminism, yet with a Black perspective. Not only a Black perspective, but from a voice of someone who identifies as a Fat Black Queer Woman. I don’t necessarily identify myself in that way, but I loved how this author spoke true on how she navigates in this world. Speaking the truth in acknowledging and embodying our intersectionality. Who knew there is such a thing called Trap feminism. If trap feminism means I can be me without giving 2 f**ks of what others think of me…sign me up!

I am a Christian Black Feminist Demisexual Woman who is intelligent, independent, compassionate, and adventurous who is also a counselor, a storyteller, an advocate, a prayer warrior, and a bookworm who loves her music and probably the realest person you’ll ever meet.

HERE ARE MY TAKEAWAYS:

“Generally speaking, Black people do have a higher tolerance for body fat on feminine bodies than other groups do. But thick and fat are not the same thing. White beauty norms will always find themselves a seat at the table, even ours, and that includes vicious fat phobia.”

“For those of us who are most marginalized, beauty actually becomes a tool that can be used to defend ourselves against racism, sexism, transphobia, classism, etc.”

“Multiple studies have concluded that Black women and girls have higher rates of self-esteem and confidence than other female groups. Confidence is waiting on the other side of choosing to keep it real with yourself, choosing to heal some shit, choosing to humble yourself.”

“Maintaining your standards means saying no to people, places, and things that don’t serve you.”

“Economic mobility is a bit of a myth in that it’s often dangled in front of Black folks as the key to a better life, but without context, nuance, or a blueprint.”

“Our bodies are heavily surveilled and our behaviors unfairly policed out of fear that we will misuse our sexuality. We’re expected to protect ourselves from abusers, and it’s us who are held accountable when we are abused. We’re denied the right to innocence before we’re old enough to know what it means.”

“Our own internalized anti-Blackness has led us to believe that Black excellence comes only in the form of heterosexual marriage, kids, and wealth building. Because our survival as Black folks in Westernized culture often depends on our ability and willingness to succeed under these moral codes, we’ve embraced those heteronormative, binary rules and incorrectly processed them as part of some natural order.”

“ The reasons and methods used to shame Black women for their choices in sex, dating, and relationships are endless. Black women can no longer afford to be martyrs, healers, parents, or scapegoats in our relationships. I’M NOT A THERAPIST, A BUSINESS MENTOR, A LIFE COACH, OR A CRISIS MANAGER. I AM NOT TAKING ON ANY OF THOSE ROLES TO DATE SOMEONE. I WANT A LOVER, NOT A JOB.”

“Friendship is how you get really good practice in empathy, healthy conflict resolution, and to build and be in community. It’s how you learn to appreciate community so that you’re not headed into your other relationships expecting one person to be your everything.”

[linagram]

[ meet the prisoners! (t2 edition) ] prisoner 003: ishizu shun

.. that moment when shun was supposed to be voted innocent even in canon too, so i knew that he will turn out like this, but i'm still disappointed in him. oh well, at least he gets a cool t2 design.

(Warnings: Shun's relationship with Kei became more toxic and it's also mentioned that the way he acts now makes female prisoners uncomfortable, mostly because of him thinking that he's allowed to do anything now since he was forgiven)

General info.

T1 Verdict: Shun was voted innocent and now he is sure acting a lot more confident because of that. Shun was so happy to hear that the guards have forgiven him, that must mean his crime really wasn't a crime at all, right? Oh, he has two more trials to go through.. Oh well, he still believes that he will be forgiven this time too. Shun already knew that he was in the right and now that he was forgiven, he won't just let the guards change their mind so easily this time. Why would they even change their mind actually? He did nothing wrong. He knows that. Thanks to his verdict, he got a new outfit, a different hairstyle and a lot more freedom than he had before the second trial.

T2 Personality: Shun is so thankful to the guards for understanding him. He just wanted to save the person he loved, of course, he would be voted innocent! He's acting like a completely different person now, he's more talkative, he smiles more often and he doesn't find this place that scary anymore. However, it's not really a good thing, because Shun has also started to ignore other prisoners' personal space and now they find him even more creepy and annoying. According to Asahi, now Shun never shuts up and he is constantly trying to make people pay attention to him (even more than Riku). Also, even though he was uncomfortable with Eiko's flirting and told her he's taken (despite his ex leaving him), now he's more than okay with her acting that way and even gets sad if she doesn't "give him enough love". His comments about other women in Milgram are also weird and they just try to avoid him and for a good reason. There's also another person who can understand their pain and that's Kei, because Shun's relationship with him is so, so much worse now. And for some unknown reason, Shun's memory is much better now. He almost never forgets anything anymore, he remembers names and dates perfectly well.. The way he talks is also a bit different now, he sounds more confident and people almost never hear him stutter anymore. However, if there's even a slight chance of him not being forgiven this time.. yeah, he will start acting just like his past self or even worse. 

T2 Relationship dynamics:

Oh, how the tables have turned. Now Kei is the one who's uncomfortable with the way Shun is acting, but it's impossible for him to avoid or ignore him, since Shun and Eiko are the ones who help Kei leave his cell and he has to depend on them all the time (unless Reina has the time to help him). Shun claims that now he's simply acting the same way Kei did before being voted guilty, so what's wrong with that? Shun constantly tries to make Kei pay attention to him and gets upset if Kei's reaction isn't as emotional or interesting as Shun expected. Kei is forced to act like his T1 self around him even if he obviously has no energy for that, but Shun doesn't really care about his feelings. Shun doesn't see him as a person and just sees him as someone who can make him feel good about himself and that's it. Shun knows well that Kei felt the same way before T2, so.. yeah, he thinks none of this is his fault.

Shun and Eiko get along so well now! Good for them! I am so scared. They're basically acting like a couple now. A couple of besties? A couple of lovers? Eh, maybe both. They both help Kei when he's not feeling good and they make sure he gets to leave his cell as often as he can, he can't just sit there all day! They just care about him so much! Eiko was actually surprised to see Shun change so suddenly, but she also thinks he's always been this way, it's just that the guards finally gave him a chance to show his true self. She doesn't mind though, she likes that side of his too.. probably. That's what Shun likes to hear, at least.

Yurika hates him. That's it. Okay, okay, fine, Yurika hates him not only because she's tired of him awkwardly trying to flirt with her and also him being into animanga and games and her being forced to act as a maid is basically a nightmare to her, but also.. why was he forgiven and she was voted guilty? Her crime is actually more understandable than his, she killed her stalkers because she was tired of feeling in danger all the time because of them! She doesn't know much about his crime, but seriously? Him "killing someone to save the person he loved"? Don't make her laugh, this guy is delusional. Fine, she'll play by this prison's rules, but only if this guy gets voted guilty this time too.

Music info. 

Milgram cover: I Love You. YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH FUN I'VE HAD WHEN I REALIZED THAT THIS SONG FITS HIM SO WELL. Like, obviously, the lyrics, but also the theme of giving someone so much love even if it's not the kind of love they need, denying how bad your situation actually is, thinking everything is okay AND ALSO THE CAKE. THE CAKE. AND LIKE IT BEING A METAPHOR AND AND- NO LISTEN I CAN RAMBLE ABOUT THIS FOREVER so anyway yeah he gets ily as his cover (also it's so fun to imagine him doing the rapping part like i actually think it would sound good??)

DECO*27 Cover: THIS BAD BOY CAN GET SO MANY DECO*27 SONGS AS HIS COVERS. It was actually so hard to choose a song for him, like there's so many Deco's songs that fit him, but I went with Cinderella, since I think it has his vibes and it also has that "Innocent!Shun" energy I was looking for. Also, ironically, I've almost went with a completely different song until I decided to give him Cinderella and Kei got the song that I originally wanted to use for Shun.

Different Vocaloid producer cover: Oh well. Oh well, I've already mentioned this before, so I don't think we have to wait until T3. He gets Tailor Shop on Enbizaka by mothy/Akuno-P. Oh boy, I sure hope it doesn't reveal anything about his crime, haha.. It does. His whole crime was heavily inspired by that song

His T2 Trailer Voicelines:

"Ah, hello there! Hehe, I'm so happy to see you two~.. Hm? Yes, I know I saw you yesterday, but.. I'm just so grateful.. You really did forgive me.. Ehehe, don't worry, I'll show you how pure my love was this time too~ Eh? My love for.. Who?.. D-does it really matter?"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME??"

His T2 Song Trailer Voiceline:

"Who cares about her anyway?"

Trivia:

Yes, he actually thinks he will be voted innocent this time. And the third time too. But who knows, maybe he's right.

His second image color was chosen because of his hair color, not counting the highlights.

Eiko was the one who cut his hair to make it easier for him to see.. well, everything around him. He's most likely agreed to that only because it was Eiko who suggested it and he just wanted to spend more time with her. 

When the guards have asked him what kind of new outfit he wants to get, he said that he wants to get something that Kei would wear.

Funnily enough, both him and Aimi now have MVs that share themes with the Canongram prisoners with the same numbers as them: Aimi gets a cute-looking MV with balloons and Shun gets a MV with an obvious video game theme going on.