#but I've already been sick and in pain and missed so much school that i feel bad for taking any more sick days | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

n4giism · 1 year

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⇢ ˗ˏˋ romanticist by yves tumor ࿐ྂ

reo mikage x fem!reader

content: you fell sick and reo spoils you with acts of service, helping you with every little thing - feeding you, cooking for you, etc. mentions of nagi a bit cause what is reo without nagi and vice versa :3

ari's note: plsplspls man's so in love w u that he wants nothing but ur comfort and safety. he prioritises you over anyone, himself included :( he's so cute omd i love him sm

waking up from your slumber, you felt feverish. your body feeling hot but cold at the same time. shuffling around your bed, you reached for your phone on your bedside table, it was already 11am.

that explains the hundreds of messages from your beloved boyfriend, reo mikage.

"y/n??? whr r u?? r u ok?? not coming to school?" were some of his texts.

you were so sick, that you didn't even wake up for school despite the hundreds of alarms you had set the night before. groaning in pain, you sat up and texted back.

"sick, i overslept. not coming to school :,) sorry reo ily"

you hit send and used all your strength to get up and go to the kitchen to find a thermometer and medicine. the floor was cold, the sun was shining in through your windows. as you were searching the kitchen cabinets, your phone pinged multiple times. they were all texts from reo.

"omg ok :( i miss u alr im pretty sure nagi misses u too lolol i'll come over after school to look after u mkay" he texted.

after a few hours of loneliness and quiet, there was a knock on your door. you were cuddled up alone on your couch, watching a movie. medicine, water and other snacks were on the coffee table in front of you within your reach. you didn't move much, only getting up throughout the day to go to the bathroom or to get more snacks from the kitchen.

keys jingled and your door opened, revealing your lovely purple-haired boyfriend. with him was some plastic bags full of food and other items he deemed necessary for your recovery.

"helloooo, my looove! i missed you so much! how are you feeling?" he asked, cheering as he kicked his shoes off and placed them neatly on the shoe rack. he made his way over to you, dropping the bags on the floor and cupping your face, leaning down to press a soft kiss on your nose - to which you scrunched your nose at.

reo loved to kiss your nose, he thinks it's so cute and intimate.

you leaned into his touch, happy that he's finally here to pamper you.

"i missed you too, reo. i'm still a little sick, but i already ate some medicine so the fever is dying down. i've just been resting here."

he let go of your face and grabbed the plastic bags he had dropped earlier, then proceeding to sit beside you on the couch, "i brought you your favourites! and some of my old clothes for you to wear since i know you love to wear my clothes. you even choose to wear my clothes over expensive designer clothes!"

it was true, reo loved to buy you expensive clothes, perfumes, shoes, bags, and whatnot. he loved to spoil you. and you were beyond thankful for it, but you ultimately loved his clothes because, well, they were his, and they smelled like him.

your eyes brightened at the snacks he brought. but more importantly, you were happy your boyfriend was so caring.

reo's eyes directed to the ramen cup noodles in front of you on the coffee table. his eyes widened in horror.

"have you only been eating ramen noodles since you woke up?" he glanced at the clock, "it's already 6pm. you've been eating noodles for the past 6 hours?!" he gasped.

you giggled at his dramatic reaction.

"no, this won't do. i'll cook something for you, okay? what do you feel like eating?" he asked urgently. he was truly like a mother.

"hmm, ramen." you teased and he pouted, "noooo, my love. you need food, not instant noodles."

"i'll cook you some curry and rice. i saw a recipe online recently, i can try making it for you.” he pondered to himself.

reo gave you a kiss on the nose again before getting up to cook the curry in your kitchen. he practically lived here, he knew where all the ingredients are and where the pots and pans are. he lived in an expensive home with his parents, a lovely house that many people dreamed of living in - but at the end of the day, to him, home is wherever you are.

and right now, he felt so domestic, cooking for his sick girlfriend and doing her chores like washing dishes. the tv show you were watching was blaring in the background as reo cooked in your open theme kitchen which was conveniently placed next to the living room where you were. the layout of the room allowed him to keep an eye on you as he cooked.

soon, the aroma of curry filled the house and you perked up from your seat on the couch, seeing reo’s back facing you as he washed the pots and spoons he used.

he looked so manly. his shoulders were broad, and he was very tall. his hair was tied back into a bun, and the black shirt he wore was almost a size too small for his toned body. his clothes and demeanour completely opposed the silly pink apron he had tied around his waist. you found yourself staring in awe at his back. your heart fluttered.

you found yourself unconsciously getting up from your seat on the couch. the blanket that wrapped your body long discarded. you made your way over to where he was standing in the kitchen and slowly wrapped your hands around his waist. he jolted in surprise.

“woah, you scared me. you okay?” he asked after realising it was you. he resumed washing the dishes and continued to let you embrace him.

“i’m okay. i just wanted your warmth.” you mumbled against his back. reo’s breath hitched a little at the sudden confession, but he secretly liked it - he liked everything that’s going on right now. you hugging him, inhaling his scent, arms wrapped around his waist. having you so close to him where he can practically hear how loud your heart was beating from this intimacy you shared.

the two of you stayed like that until reo was done with washing the dishes. he dried his hands on a dry cloth and turned around to face you.

your hands were still locked around his waist. he looked down at you, with a dreamy look on his face. you looked up, chin resting against his chest and he couldn’t help but giggle at how cute you looked right now in his eyes.

“eat, okay? while the curry is still warm.” he flashed a smile at you and your heart fluttered.

reo is so handsome, you thought.

he instructed you to sit on the couch while he prepared you a portion of the food he had cooked. soon, he walked to you with one bowl in hand and took a seat on the couch.

“here. aaaaahhh,” he said as he took a spoonful of rice and curry, bringing it to your lips.

“reo? what are you doing? i can feed myself.” you giggled, leaning away from his hand. he raised an eyebrow, as if what he was doing is obvious. like you should know what he’s doing.

“what else am i doing? i’m feeding my lovely beautiful girlfriend who’s sick and needs my attention, of course!” he answered, “now c’mon! open up!” he insisted raising the spook to your lips again.

you chuckled and let him feed you. it wasn’t rare for reo to feed you - even when you’re in the pink of health, he always insisted on feeding you.

“at least let me feed you the first bite, then you can eat on your own.” he would say everytime he cooked for you.

now, you were focused on the present moment, treasuring this time when he fed you, cooing at you like you’re a baby - his baby. he just loved taking care of you.

after you had finished your meal, he put the bowl in the sink and cleared up the table in front of you - even sweeping the floor and taking out the trash.

“alright, my love. it’s 9pm, time to go to sleep.” he mumbled, seeing you nod off to sleep on the couch.

he picked you up bridal style and carried you to your bedroom, where he gently placed you down. he kissed your forehead and your nose, whispering “good night” and was about to leave the room to clean the kitchen some more until he felt you tug on the hem of his shirt.

“reo… please stay..” you muttered, half asleep but still wary of your surroundings.

“love, i need to clean the kitchen and wash up. i’ll join you when i’m done, ‘kay?” he replied softly, to which you whined at.

“hm, if you really insist,” he said, trying to act nonchalant - but it was no secret he enjoyed being needed by you, it was evident by the blush on his face. but of course, you didn’t need to know that. it’s not like you’ll know anyway, the room was dark. the only source of light was from the hallway that creeped into your room through the gap, and from the moonlight that seeped in through the window. you weren’t even conscious enough to notice the red on his cheeks and ears.

reo found himself tangled in bed with you, feeling you curl up against him. he found himself patting your back rhythmically, almost like patting a baby to sleep. well, you were his baby either way. he felt so ecstatic now, cherishing this moment with you. the soft snores that escaped your lips, the sound of your breathing, your hair that tickled his face and neck, everything about you, he absolutely cherished and loved.

in the comfort of the night, reo couldn’t help but fall asleep with you. you are his home, after all.

reo felt so incredibly lucky to have the honours of taking care of you. but the truth is, you felt even luckier to have a caring and kind boyfriend like him.

end.

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siriusly-sapphic · 1 year

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thoughts on nobleflower i need to know i have so much in my brain

Oh oh oh! Yes!

Okay so I'm a little sick and my thoughts about anything Narcissa femslash related are usually already all over the place so? Bear with me while I type this on my phone?

First: let me establish the specific setting. Since I tend to mess about with Narcissa's age a little depending on the ship bc the canon Black family tree is a right mess that I've decided I can do whatever I want with. For alicissa tho, I tend to just go with Narcissa being 4/5 years older than the marauders, and Alice being like a year older than Narcissa.

And as for any Narcissa headcanon I have, I'm writing this with the idea of trans!narcissa in mind, though it works very similarly if you imagine her as cis. If you want more context for how I see trans!narcissa in canon compliant settings, I have a 7K meta post here but it's not necessary for this (I just like linking it).

Also we're going with some canon compliancy here. No happy endings today.

So.

Alicissa is one of those ships that, for me, starts out genuinely cute. Like... dorcissa starts out as denial and rivalry, narlily can end cute but starts messy. Alicissa starts sweet. It starts hopeful.

It starts in an icecream shop.

I'd say it starts the summer before Narcissa's 5th year, which is the time I headcanon she comes out as trans and has begun her transition. Which means 1. She is quite terrified of making 'another' mistake to embarrass her family and 2. The scariest moments of her life have just been blasted over Witch Weekly and the Daily Prophet. She is scared, she's being very brave about it, and she gets mean when she's nervous. (Well. Meaner than usual.)

Alice has a type of girl she loves and that type is brave and mean and a little sassy.

So you know, when Narcissa comes into Florean Fortescue's, ignores all the stares she gets, and gets snappy when Alice teases her about mint-chocolate chip being the worst flavour to order.... what choice does she really have except to fall in love right then and there?

And I think on Narcissa's side, developing any crush on a girl will always come with a bit of angst. Because from the moment she transitions, she has a very clear path in mind of what to do and what to be in order to make her family proud of them again. (I could go into more detail, but honestly for that if you're interested see the meta linked above.) And dating girls... not a part of that plan.

But she wants to.

And Alice makes it easier to be brave.

They're prefects in different years and different houses and they're good at keeping secrets and Narcissa can get Kingsley, the head boy, to move the prefect schedule so that she and Alice have rounds together. (She knows that Kingsley's into Rodolphus Lestrange like no other, and like I said. She can be a little mean.)

And I think that for that first year. The first two years, even, when they’re still at school and life hasn't gotten quite so tainted with war yet? They're happy. And they're cute. And it feels good. Like it can last.

It can't. Obviously.

One headcanon is that Narcissa starts struggling in school bc yknow she's going through some shit, and maybe there's a subject or two she's never been a natural at and is now falling behind in, and it just so happens that Alice is really good at that. So they can meet publicly in the library while Alice tutors her and Narcissa struggles to get over her embarrassment for needing a tutor.

Narcissa has only ever missed one quidditch game (she hates the game, but her best friends are the Lestrange brothers (oh yes that gets painful later) and they play on the team, sonshe has to go). That's the game Alice convinces her to come into the Gryffindor common room while everyone is gone and they make out in front of the fireplace.

They almost get caught. Narcissa avoids her for about a week. They never take that risk again.

And then the war. Alice graduates first, and I see her as being quite determined to make a difference in the war and unsure how to do it. Obviously the Order is a very secret organisation, and she doesn't know about it immediately, so she becomes an auror.

That's also where she meets her future husband Frank Longbottom (bless that man).

Meanwhile Narcissa is a seventh year, her best friends are losing their parents and are drowning in it and she is trying to balance NEWTs and helping the Lestrange twins and the ever important thing of Not Disappointing Her Parents (Again).

I think, however unjustly so, she starts blaming it on Alice for leaving. Which is obviously not actually Alice's fault bc that's just how gradustion works, but it's easier to blame a girl with who it never could've worked out (and maybe shouldn't have worked out as long as it did), than it is to realise that this is just a shitty collection of circumstances. Or worse, to blame her family. She can never blame her family. (She feels she owes her family too much to blame them)

So by the time Narcissa graduates, she's planning an engagement with Rabastan Lestrange that will fall through soon enough and she hasn't told Alice about yet. Alice, at that point, is an auror who's working together with Frank and feels so very betrayed when she does find out about Narcissa's engagement.

It's one of those things that has always been inevitable. But that Alice couldn't help but secretly hope wouldn't happen anyway.

And I think that's where it goes wrong.

Because Alice tells her not to marry Rabastan, around the same time that Rabastan is trying very hard to destroy everything good in his life because grief isn't kind, and Narcissa is the best damn thing to have happened to him. Druella Black ("you should do better than a miserable second son"), Alice Fortescue ("just get away from all of it"), and Rabastan Lestrange ("why are we bothering anyway?") himself, all tell her to break off an engagement that brought her SO much joy when it became reality.

And so Narcissa decides to hate all of them for it.

Except she can’t. Obviously. But she decides she does anyway.

Because Druella is still the mother she wants to be proud of her, and Rabastan is still her best friend who she wants to protect, and Alice is still the first person she ever really fell in love with. She can’t hate them. But she wants to.

But I think that strains alicissa's relationship a lot. Because it shows that Narcissa isn't just mean, she can be cruel and delusional. And it makes it clear that it doesn’t really matter how much Narcissa loves Alice (because she does. She really does.) Because as brave as Narcissa can be, she's a scared young woman who seeks to protect herself. And protecting herself in pureblood society means marrying a suitable pureblood wizard. It doesn’t mean running away with a halfblood witch and hoping life turns out alright.

Narcissa has always protected herself by planning ahead and following her plan. Alice doesn’t fit into that. And Alice isn't the type of woman who will wait around to see if Narcissa's plans change.

So when Narcissa gets engaged to Lucius Malfoy, and her happy and perfect smile is all over the Daily Prophet, Alice accepts Frank's invitation for a date.

And for a while that's that.

There's some looks, because Frank is a Longbottom and while he's on his way to become a traitor, his great aunt was a Black and he still gets invited to notable pureblood events. Not for long, but long enough. There are some strained conversations and longing glances and even, once or twice, guilt-ridden hookups when their respective husbands are out.

Alice feels a whole lot more terrible about that than Narcissa does. She loves Frank. I swear she does.

Alice is a renowned auror and joins the Order and is a genuine danger to any death eater who comes her way. Narcissa is terrified every day that her husband might die at her lover's hands — or god forbid the other way around.

Alice grows to hate Narcissa during that war. Because how dare she attend charity galas to safekeep the victims of a war, when she damn well knows it's her friends and family waging that war. The hypocrisy and the cruelty too much.

Alice likes her women brave and a little mean. Not cowardly and cruel.

They become mothers around the same time. Two months apart. When they’re both pregnant, they see each other occasionally in the same maternity shops and healer waiting rooms. There's a kinship there and this very strong desire for a closer bond, that ultimately can't withstand the hatred and the mistrust that the war and Narcissa's choices have brought upon them.

And then the war is over.

Narcissa and Lucius manage to escape any time in azkaban. Alice and Frank can finally settle and mourn their loved ones. All four of them can look at these beautiful young boys in their arms and hope with all their might that their lives will be easier.

(It’s unclear when the attack on the Longbottoms happened. We know it happened after the war, and we know it happened when people had just begun feeling safe again. We know there was enough time for Crouch sr to start greying by the time the Lestranges were put on trial.)

But that wrecks Narcissa.

I wanna say that Alice and Narcissa stopped actively seeing each other when the war ended. Alice doesn't want to have an affair when she is genuinely happily married and she has a son. Maybe she's trying for a second child.

But Narcissa’s best friends in the world. The family I tend to describe as "what the Potters and James were to Sirius, the Lestranges and Rodolphus were to Narcissa". And her sister. Two of whom knew just how fucking important Alice Fortescue was to Narcissa, once upon a time.

I genuinely don't think Narcissa believed it, when the Lestranges were first accused of that crime. I don't think she wanted to believe them capable of it. And when it turned out to be true.... I have so many thoughts about that connection I could fill another and longer post. But it wrecks her.

Narcissa only visits Alice once.

It's under the guise of "seeing what her sister has done, to put it behind her". Augusta Longbottom is there, in absolute pieces because her only son is gone. Neville is there, Draco's age. Alice doesn't recognise her. Narcissa thinks it might be better that way.

Narcissa just really doesn't belong there. And she doesn't belong there because of her own choices, her own mistakes. And I think that realisation breaks her even further.

Only one of them remembere what they used to be, and Narcissa selfishly wishes that it wasn't her.

Okay and this is getting long so. The rest is just little moments of pain. Draco writing home about how stupid this Longbottom kid is? The absolute guilt of knowing her darling boy is bullying the son of the woman Narcissa loved most? Post war, when maybe Neville is old enough to want to know more about Alice and find out that there aren’t many people alive who remember Alice when she was young. But Narcissa does.

And don't even get me started on the Lestranges escaping Azkaban. That's agony right there. I have no time. But also I have SO many thoughts and all of them heard more than the other so one day I'll inflict them on others.

This became so long I'm sorry lmao, but I hope you like the thoughts. This is why happier fix it AUs exists.

#alicissa #alice longbottom #narcissa malfoy #harry potter #hp femslash #marauders era #nobleflower #alice fortescue #narcissa black #my headcanons #headcanons #marauders fandom #answered asks #pomegranatepetrichord

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innerslumber · 1 year

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I know this might sound silly but I am feeling really emotional over the messages I've gotten over the Marvel Exhibit posts. I've had people thank me for sharing because they will probably never get a chance to see it. I've had people who has already seen the exhibit but the stuff I saw was new for them and how much they enjoyed it. It's just...been really gratifying.

Because going to this exhibit has been on my To Do list for months. When I finally escaped my abusive spouse with my children, all I could think 24/7 was how do I protect them and how do I get our family stable. And I remember one of my kids' counselor telling me that I need to pick at least one thing for myself. One thing that is just for me because he said I deserved good things too. That I should be free to have an afternoon where I can have fun, without worry and guilt.

And every month, like clockwork, he'd ask me if I had gone to see it. And every time I had an excuse. Oh I was busy meeting my lawyer because I'm about to go to court. Oh I gotta get our new apartment set up. Oh my friends are busy and they can't help watch the kids. There was always something more important because there was so much to do. But the truth was, I was also just so scared. What if my kids got sick while I was gone and I couldn't be at the school right away? What if my car broke down and I got stranded? What if I missed an important call because I was too distracted? Just scared scared scared.

But the exhibit was leaving in April and I knew the clock was ticking. So I finally picked a date when I knew my kids would be looked after, bought a ticket and went.

I remember at the start of the tour, the museum employee said most people spend 30-40 minutes to get through it. I spent almost 3 hours. I read every plaque, stared at the art and costumes from every angle, and even looped back to see things when the crowd had thinned out. Just so I can savor it. Because I felt this panic, like if I don't seize this moment, I'll never be allowed to enjoy something alone again.

But after the tour was over, I went and got lunch and let it sink in. That this wasn't my last chance to enjoy something for myself. That it was okay to enjoy myself. That I was allowed to. I could eat this food that I normally wouldn't have ordered because my spouse would complain about the smell of the food I grew up with. That I could enjoy it without censure or ridicule. I didn't have to rush back and be terrified that I would be late and get screamed at. I could actually pay for this lunch from my own bank account. That I didn't have to sneak around using cash that I had squirreled away so my purchases wouldn't give away my location on the online bank statement. I could just...sit there and watch people walk by in the sun while I sipped my soda and...it was okay. I didn't have to feel guilty that I was alone and enjoying an afternoon doing something "frivolous".

And it just really hit me why I even wanted to go to the Marvel exhibit in the first place. Because luckily I fell into this fandom just when my life was at its darkest. All the wonderful friends, fics, art and crazy posts that helped me get through all the lonely, scary, painful days and nights. Reading Bucky recovery fics after he escaped his torture and brainwashing and telling myself I can do that too. Then feeling stupid that I was projecting so hard on a fictional character but desperately wishing I had a Steve too.

My therapist told me that recovering from trauma is not linear and I'm going to have good days and bad days. And sometimes it will take days before my mind processes things completely. Over a week passed since I went to the exhibit and I found myself crashing. I know it may seem ridiculous but in my mind, I was setting a pin on this outing. A bright shining lodestone in my mental eye. A box that I could tick saying, "Yes. You're finally at a point where you can allow yourself to have this." And now that I was on the other side of it, I felt a bit lost.

But I was scrolling through the pictures I took and I decided to share on the blog. Initially I was just going to send some to friends in DMs but I changed my mind. Editing 90 images and writing up posts at 3 am was probably not a good life choice but fuck it, I never said I was smart lololol.

So I'm really glad that I was able to give something back to the fandom that's given me so much through this difficult time in my life. It's just pictures and my crack commentary but I'm happy that it gave other fans some serotonin. Some days I feel this imposter syndrome where I'm barely holding it together and I am sure I'm not the only one. But it feels so damn good when my friends and I can squeal over our favorite characters and just take unabashed joy in it.

Because for the first time in a long time, my body is my own, my mind is my own and my heart is my own. I can empty my mind of the pain and fill my heart with love.

And where my mind and my heart wants to go, they can. Even to go see some superhero tights.

#personal thoughts #PTSD #recovery from trauma #stucky #fandom love #gosh i got so fucking lucky meeting you all #what a bunch of stand up impossibly loving human beings #i hope we can keep squealing over Bucky and Steve together for a long time #or any other ships you all indoctrinate me into hahaha #love you #Marvel: Universe of Super Heroes

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harryfeatgaga · 2 years

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thinking about dating harry for a while and you're so madly in love with each other but then things get really hard, with him on tour and you staying behind for school it's just awful and all the stuff you see in the media daily is just too much so you tell him you need a break. and you're both devastated and crying through the whole conversation but it's just truly too much for you and ofc he respects your wishes and he'll do anything for you even if it's the exact opposite of what he wants 😔 then a few months later he's home and you haven't spoken at all, knowing it would just be too painful since you still love him so much but you're not sure if he feels the same 😔 then your girlfriends make you go out with them to try and cheer you up and you all get veeeery drunk, and after someone puts you in a cab and you get home you're calling harry without a second thought 😔 you're literally sitting on the floor in your kitchen, your makeup a mess and your hair falling out of the fancy updo but none of that seems to matter because you just miss his voice 😔

when he gets the call he's very surprised, he hasnt heard from you since you broke things off and he's been trying so hard not to look at your socials (even though he has checked a few times, even though you never seem to post any more) but it's been miserable for him too, so for a second he considers not answering because he can't go through getting his heart broken again 😔then he starts to sorry that maybe something is wrong, it is almost 2 am afterall, so he picks up 😔 he hears you you take a little breath and you say "hello?" and his heart drops when he realizes how much he's missed you 😔 he says "hi-" and he has to bite his tongue to keep from calling you love or any other pet name, and finally he just settles on your name. you sigh and tip your head back on the cabinet and say "I've missed your voice" and he's already feeling choked up when he says "me too" 😔 it's quiet for a minute before you say "I ended my chemistry class with an A" and he's not sure where that came from but he's starting to get the hint that maybe you're not quite sober so he just decides to go with it, you can hear the smile in his voice when he says "that's great, I'm so proud of you" and you can't help but smile, you say "thanks... you just put a lot of hours into helping me study so i figured you deserve to know" and his chin is literally wobbling he's so close to tears 😔

he tries so hard to keep his voice steady when he says "I appreciate that" and you hum softly, then you're both quiet again before he says "where are you? are you alright?" and you let out a big sigh before you say "I'm sitting on my kitchen floor eating grapes" and he can't help but snort out a laugh, he glances over at his alarm clock and says "at 2 in the morning?" and you shrug even though he can't see you, you say "girls need snacks" and he laughs for real at that 😔 but you know what he was really asking so you say "to answer your other question no I'm actually not alright" and a tear slips down Harry's cheek, he brushes it away quickly before he says "no?" and you say "no... i miss you, harry, I miss you so much it makes my chest hurt, and it makes me feel sick to my stomach and it keeps me up at night and I'm miserable all the time because I miss you so much and it's my own fault I don't have you anymore" and his eyes are wide, his heart rate is going up with each word you say and he sits up in bed, hugging his pillow to his chest he says "you do?" and he sounds almost in disbelief, you say "of course I do... you're all i think about, all the time, and it's ruining my life because I can't have you" and he takes a shaky breath before he says "why can't you have me?" and your voice is smaller than he's ever heard before when you say "because you don't love me anymore?" and he literally has to hold back a sob 😔

he says "I do, I love you so much... you're all i think about too, all the time, and all I want is- is you, and I know that's not fair, I know it's really shitty timing, and I know it was hell for you when we were together and I know i'm selfish for wanting you but I can't help it because i just do, I want you so bad it makes my chest hurt" and your brain is just trying to process everything he just said, everything feels very tense and you're a bit stressed so you say "you stole my line... that chest hurting thing, I said that first" and he can't help but laugh again, he says "well it was a very poetic line, i apologize" and then you're both quiet for a moment, then you say "harry?" and right away he goes "hm?" and you pause for a second before you say "will you come over?" and he's already getting out of bed 😌

you're saying "i know it's late and if you're in bed you don't have to i just- I miss you, and I want to see you so bad but if it's too much-" but he clicks his tongue and says "I'm already heading out the door, I'll be there in 10" and you haven't felt happier since before you broke up 😌 you say "will you stay on the phone with me?" and he scoffs "of course I will, I'm not leaving my girl again" and you're quiet for a second before you say softly "I'm still your girl?" and he absolutely melts, he pauses with one hand on his car door and he says "of course you are, you've always been my girl and you always will be"😔 on his short drive to your place neither of you speak much, you can hear the radio playing quietly through the phone but that's about it. when he pulls up to your apartment he lets you know and you say "I'm in number-" and he says "I know which apartment you are love, how come you think I forgot all about you while I was gone?" and you say "I don't... I'm just worried that maybe you did" and he sighs softly before he says "I could never forget anything about you pretty girl" and before you can even respond there's a knock at your door 🥹 you're clumsily jumping up from your spot on the floor and running to open it, and as soon as you see him you drop your phone and launch yourself into his arms 😔 he walks you inside and shuts the door behind you and you're crying already, you manage to say against his chest "I missed you so much, please never leave me again i just want to stay with you okay?" and he's nodding, he has his face in your hair just inhaling your scent that he's missed so much and he says "i promise, I'm gonna stay with you forever and ever" 😔 after a good long hug when you both feel so much better he pulls away to look at you, you're saying "no no don't look at me I look horrible right now" and he just smiles softly, he says "you don't, you could never look horrible" and he leads you to the bathroom to help take your makeup off 😔

he lifts you to sit on the counter and gets the wipes out, holding your chin between his fingers to tilt your head so he doesn't miss any 😔 you reach up to hold his face in your hands because you've missed that so much, and now that you're so close you can tell that his eyes look a little red and puffy 😔you say "were you crying? are you okay?" and he gives you a little smile, he tosses the used wipe and says "i am more than okay now that I'm with you again" and he lifts you up again, you wrap your legs around his waist so he can bring you to bed 😔 he kisses all over your face while he walks and nearly runs into a few walls but he manages 😔 he drops you on the bed and then says "what pajamas tonight?" and you don't say anything but he sees you eyeing the hoodie he's wearing 😌 he rolls his eyes playfully and says "I'm back here one day and you're already robbing me blind" but he's taking it off as he speaks 😌 he hands it over to you and reaches to help unzip your dress and pull it off, then you slip the hoodie on and you're all good 😌 he climbs in next to you and you get settled against him, his arms tuck around you and you both relax right away, and it's like no time was lost at all because you were just made for each other 😔

HOLY SHIT.............OH MY GOD THIS IS LIKE A WHOLE ASS FIC RIGHT HERE WHAT THE FUCK!?!??!?!!? IM OBSESSED AND IM SO SAD THIS WA SSO CUTE IM GOING TO SOBBBBJNBFHUJNHB OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDD 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

#harry concept

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bots-and-cons · 1 year

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Hi, I'm sick

This is just me venting a bit, but I'll put the important stuff here so you don't have to read the whole thing if you don't feel like it. I'm sick, pretty tired and don't have much motivation for anything, so Idk if I'm gonna post much this week.

I've been sick for like 4 days now and I'm so annoyed, because I don't have the motivation to do anything. I want to write and do school work, but I'm feeling like crap so I haven't done anything for a couple of days now. Or at least I haven't done things I want to do. I've been doing laundry, washing the dishes and making food. When I made the big pot of soup on Sunday, it took me probably a couple of hours because I was in a lot of pain. Idk why though, like sure you can get some joint pain when you have the flu but holy shit I was having a hard time moving the whole day. Peeling potatoes and carrots and stuff was a really bad time.

I really hope I'll get better by the weekend, because I need to go to the school next Monday and Tuesday. I have to be there, because we have group presentations and I already missed the last two school days because of the train worker strike. I only have school 4 days a month, and the rest I have to do on my own. We get assignments and stuff for between the lectures, and a ton of reading that we have to do. I've enjoyed it so far and it's really nice to be doing something again.

When I heard that I wouldn't be able to go to the school when the train worker's strike was happening, I didn't take it very well to say the least. I don't deal well with change, I had a panic attack and cried for over an hour, because I absolutely hate it when my plans change suddenly. My mom was suggesting alternative ways to get to the school, but I couldn't handle it at the time, so I just went to sleep. I was semi-okay the next day and I attended the lectures online since it was an option for two of the four lectures. Then of course I got a call from the social worker I've been in contact with about some additional benefits. She told me that I should go on a sick-pay of sorts and slow down my studies. The thing is, if I wanted to go on that particular sick-pay I'd only be allowed to get 12 credits in the time I need 33, so I really can't do that. I couldn't explain that to her on the phone because I was so stressed already, I just started crying and she just kept telling me to slow down my studies.

I thinks it's pretty fucking stupid to tell me that, since I'm doing well enough so I can study more. Plus, I need the 33 credits since I want to get into the degree program for the fall. It just pissed me off and added to an already stressful situation.

I would not deal with social services if I didn't have to. I'm just not in good enough place that I'd be able to work and study at the same time so I have to live on benefits for now. I hate it, but I also know my limits and I know it wouldn't end well for me if I started working too.

I've had a pretty stressful couple of weeks and now I'm sick, so the stress if probably catching up with me. Thanks if you read this, and I wish you a good rest of the week, and remember to drink water :D

#ony speaks

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ursbearhug · 1 year

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I wanted to do some ranting in my usual "my back is trying to kill me fashion" but I have nothing rantable on the top of my head right now.

Except for the new massive wave in which porn bots are following me on a daily basis. It was almost 5 yesterday, I have barely awake and it's already 3 with 16 more hours to go. And the weird part is that Instagram is currently suffering the same problem. What kind of sickness outbreak is this?

Actually I might have a thing to ramble on...?

My use of Facecock has gone down significantly over years. I have never been using it per se, other than having access to certain groups (usually school related onea) or access to Messenger. So trust me that, going in to shuffle info out in search for something, seeing "you might know these people" and seeing a mug of somebody who has ghosted and blocked me across all other socials (with it being questionable whether he has blocked me on here, since I don't he ever realised I was following him here at first as well) and also was a major reason for my suicide attempt at the time, was somehow upsetting.

I know why that happened. You see facecock in it's eternal glory and intelligence tried and succeeded, I guess, in digging up my shit. My facecock and ig are not linked, with the former being probably the only place in the Internet where I do use my actual and real name, and this account actually isn't the one I was using when still being in touch with him, I think. So what I think has happened, miss Cuckerberg decided to go on a merry ride through my profiles based on the proximity or location and went to look with whom I've exchanged most messages at any given time and then thought to himself "ya know HE has blocked him(me), but I'm sure they'll be happy to be fb friends again". And I don't know how to convey this in any other way that there are very few things that put this kind of fire in my blood. Trust me when I say, that I never wanted to burn down Ohio quite as much as I want to, when I think about this fuck boy. And I don't need a reminder for how shallow of a person I was and of probably the lowest point in my life, thank you but no thank you. Take that shit away before I scrape up and order a hit on this bastard.

Pain ridden diary part 2.

Gay sex and garlic bread.

#percy does things #will delete later

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herofics · 1 year

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Hi, I'm sick

#ony speaks

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upperranktwo · 2 years

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hi, sky🥸

how's your week been going?

is it weird that i can feel your enthusiasm for gaming from your last response? you've been gaming, since you were three?🤯 it's lovely to have something that you're really passionate about.

Christmas is about a week away. what are your plans for the day? (if you don't mind sharing)

Oh! is this your first time entering the animanga secret santa event? and what was your reason for joining?

I'm not sure if I asked you before but how often do you watch/read anime/manga?

OK, on to event questions!

what makes you love Douma so much? I'm really curious.

when you read fanfics (about Douma) what do you go for? Douma x reader? OR Douma x a character? do you go for fluff or angst? is there anything regarding fanfics that make you uncomfortable? what fics wouldn't you read?

Event questions are complete! On to "get to know more about you" questions ! (And remember dear participant if you don't feel comfortable answering any of these questions you don't have to answer🤹‍♂️)

is there a country you would like to visit/or have you already traveled to said country?

to end off

my week was better than last week and I have about three weeks off school. Also I'm fluent in two languages, Afrikaans and English

from your animanga secret santa 🤸‍♀️

Heya!!!!!

My week has been pretty good!!! I did most of my Christmas shopping yesterday and I've been cleaning my flat to try and not let things pile up too much! It's nice to be in a clean area! It keeps me a little more motivated!

Ahh I love gaming! I grew up with not many friends, I was sick a lot as a kid and missed a lot of school and whilst I have a big family and 4 sisters, making friends was a struggle for me. So whilst I was off school I would play games and it would make me very happy and distract me from any pain I was in from my illnesses. Gaming is very important to me!

I'm not sure what I'll be doing for Christmas! I think I'll be going down to my dad's and we'll probably just watch TV and eat food! I hope I get to see my niece and nephew on the day as well! Do you have any plans?

This is my first time taking part in anything like this!!! I decided to because I've worked really hard on my editing over the last year and I've become a little more confident in my skills so I thought it would be fun! I'm also a very anxious person, so sending anon messages to people can be nerve wracking for me but I think it is also a good way to improve on those fears!

I read manga whenever I have the time to! I tend to really just read the series of shows that I have watched but I am always on the look out for new series! I've been neglecting reading a little bit since I've been so busy but in the new year I wanna get back on it! I watch anime at least once a week! I don't watch many non animated shows so anime is my fave thing to watch!

Iqnsuajsnjsos I just love Douma with my entire heart! I think he is so cute and funny and I think he's an interesting character! I wish we could've seen more of him or to see him interact with his cult more. I love his design, i'm a complete sucker for black and red. I also love a cold aesthetic and his abilities being ice is everything to me.

I like to read people's headcanons about him (however I am the most correct person about him) and I read some x reader but I really love him so they are cute to read! I like fluffy stuff since it makes me feel so soft and warm 🥺 any scenario that is just warm and fluffy makes me so happy.

I don't ship him with any characters so I won't read any of those types of fics. I also won't read anything where he's super mean to me because he would never do that 😭😭

To answer your final questions,

I would like to visit Ireland! I have a lot of Irish heritage and it looks really pretty. My twin sister visited Japan twice and she told me it's great so I would like to visit! She also lived in South Korea for 2 years and she has so many fond memories of it so I would love to visit there and see what it is like! Is there any countries you would like to visit???

Oh wow! You speak 2 languages!!! That's so cool! I'd love to learn more but I really struggle with picking them up :( my twin sister can speak around 5 languages pretty much fluently and seeing the amount of time she puts into learning 😭 i just could not do it but I admire people who can because it can be so hard picking up new words!!!

I hope you have a great time off school!!! 3 weeks is a long time so I hope you get a lot of rest ♡

#asks #anon #animanga secret santa

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watercolourferns · 7 months

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I'm sick of being tired all the time and getting no rest AT ALL.

I'm naturally nocturnal, but since I got COVID and started on this "is this CFS/MS or is it just me getting old?? I'm too poor to find out out tho" journey I've found that by 11:30 pm I'm too tired to do anything, or even think and I'm in pain constantly too due to my scoliosis so that doesn't help... I toss and turn a lot so getting rest is kind of a problem, and I wake up groggy, with more brain fog than before, headaches galore, my meniere's acts up, it's awful... It exacerbates every symptom, both mental and physical and new and old, I have and I can't function for the day.

But I've found that if I go to sleep at the same hour and wake up at the same hour every day it helps a lot in bringing down does symptoms. So I need to set a schedule for myself to at least try and get some rest. But my brain keeps fighting it, as I said I'm naturally nocturnal.

My brain keeps saying "Go back to bed, it's too damn early!!!" and no amount of me juggling with alarms helps, my brain's just too stubborn and I don't know what to do anymore.

I wake up zombie-like and in so much pain I can't even stretch.

I think it's the weather, it's been flipflopping between cold and warm all month, which I know it's happening, but doesn't make it any easier to handle.

I guess my hops for finding a temperate place to live are gone due to climate change, but at least I'd love to know WHY did my body start to break down like this... Surely nothing I did as a teen except my ED would drive me to this. I did stay up late and things, but I always made sure I got plenty of rest the next day, I was an athlete most of my elementaryand middle school and in highschool and uni I swam out of pleasure because I ADORE swimming, so I kept active and as healthy as someone with OSFED and being a picky eater can be... now?

And I think it was the COVID, I think it was the three times I got it, none of which were my fault, which is even more frustrating. The first time I had it I was out helping mum with groceries, people weren't respecting the masking policy and the elderly schedules, they were out and about as if nothing was happening, taking off their masks to cough and sneeze (a woman at the clinic did that and when we all called her out she tried to cough in our direction, jokes on her we were ALL sick already, the bitch...). We were ironically out to get masks... The second was because our then bff was bunking with us and she refused to stop going out and quarantine and wear masks. She put me, with a weak immune system already, my fiancée, and my elderly parents in danger, and I got sick. We called her out and she dismissed it. I dunno why we thought it was a good idea to all three live together out of my parents' house after that... I think it was desperation. Third time was because my fiancée got sick. She had the CanSino and then the Pfizer and started to show symptoms, people were being very irresponsible at her workplace so we think she already had the virus and vaccine just accelerated it. Can that happen? Anyway, we both got it because I was taking care of her, but we were already vaccinated by then so it wasn't as bad.

I'm so sick of feeling sick all the time, it's like we're back at our early childhood... It stupid and painful and we miss out on a shit ton of stuff going around us... And we can't sleep well...

I don't want to continue breaking down, I'm sick of all of this...

#fern is speaking #venting #tw vent #tw covid #tw disordered eating #tw chronic pain #tw chronic illness

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gremjaylin · 10 months

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I want to cry, I need to cry, but I can't get myself to cry

It's so hard to get my body to let me cry, even in private

And why do I want to cry right now? Because apparently my mother cares too much about a math test that doesn't even affect my final grade

Because apparently she doesn't want to listen to me when I say that I will get better before the midterm exams and final exams

She says I don't have enough time, but don't I have a whole month or 2 to study? Don't I have the time to focus on my studies? Maybe if you didn't take me outdoors so much, I'd actually try to get better with math and science

I'm always so ashamed and scared to ask for help

I'm scared to admit I don't understand something and I let myself suffer as I struggle to understand what is being explained in the book

I want to cry because I don't consider the test important

And I'm not alone in this belief as a classmate of mine even said "It's not really important, but we still have to take it"

It's so unimportant that if I missed a day of school where there was a test, I wouldn't be forced to take it the next day nor would I have consequences for missing it

Why is it that my mother cares so much about it? If you care about my future and my final grade, why do you degrade me, why do you insult and hurt me, why do you care about something that doesn't even fucking apply to the final grade?

Do you even care about me?

Of course you don't

You never did

When I said I don't feel mentally ok or well enough to go to school the next day, you acted like it wasn't a big deal

You acted like it has no affect on my studies

You just advised me to not talk about my family problems with anyone in the school

You didn't give a shit if these family problems are actually affecting me and my studies

You didn't give a shit to think that the possibility of you and my father divorcing is what's going to give me a horrible grade

You never cared about mental health

You never cared about how much pain I'm actually going through

You never cared about how demotivated I am, how much I hate school, how much I genuinely want to cry every night and day because I know that I'm going to school against my will

Every night after school, I want to cry and sob in my bed because I have to go to school tomorrow

On school days, I pray that I get sick so I can have an excuse to not attend

I told you I prefer to be homeschooled

I told you I feel I do better studying at home than at school

But you didn't care

You don't care if I genuinely studied and tried hard to understand and memorize everything but still failed

You don't care to try to lift my spirits

You don't care to say "You did your best" or "I will help you with whatever you need help with" in a kind and caring tone

Instead you hurt me by calling me an idiot, calling me the R slur, you demotivate me further and make me feel even worse by saying I'm just a lazy bum that does nothing but play

You don't know how much I genuinely want to die because of these things

You don't know how much I want to ask for help, but I feel ashamed to do it, especially since you're the one that said "You're a teenager, you're supposed to be responsible, you should do your studies by yourself"

I know you said I can ask for help as long as it isn't the entire book

But you need to understand that this is how I've lived my entire life

Scared to ask for help out of shame because I'm expected to do excellent work, because I'm expected to already understand, because I used to get the highest grades and scores in my class and I was proud of it and now I'm scared to show that I still need help

Idk if there's something wrong with me, but I do know that if you tried to be a little bit more kinder, if you tried to let me have my mental health breaks, if you tried to listen to me and understand me better, if you tried to actually care, if you tried to let me do it by myself instead of you reminding me

Things would've maybe been different

#vent #tw vent #vent post

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aloyssobek · 1 year

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i need to brain dump

work has made me so stressed to the point where i'm currently on week 2 of 4 of stress leave from work because i burnt completely out. i'm mostly feeling better (especially knowing that my heart is pretty much fine). i...may have had a couple of proper breakdowns tho over the past week because of like idk residual stress and overthinking. but i have enjoyed taking a break in the middle of term and like resetting. i haven't been great with keeping a routine but it's also only the second week.

but when i think about going back to work, not just teaching but work, i feel like shit. i don't want to work. i want to study. i want to do research. the only work that i feel remotely okay with the idea of is doing research. but not necessarily my own research or novel research just....helping out. doing grunt work. leaving at the end of the day and leaving my work at work. and maybe getting some wfh in there for when i feel like shit but still up for doing things. because i have been really sick (most likely) because of my stress!!! i've been getting pains and i still need to talk to my respiratory doctor about my test results but that appointment is still scheduled for october and i am going to get some other tests done and another cardiology appt this year and the idea of trying to navigate any of that whilst working even if it's at 0.8 that's still, by the nature of my fucking job, basically full time, exhausts me. like i'm tired thinking about doing any of that. like knowing that i have those appointments towards the end of the year makes me just want to throw in the towel even more. just chill out for a bit. go to my stupidly spaced out appointments.

i've never really chilled out because even semester breaks at uni or in hs were limited. i've been in school since 2000. i already went to uni for 7 years which in and of itself is...a lot but it's fine ig. but i went straight into full time teaching at the beginning of 2020 during a fucking pandemic. and i had surgery in 2021. and several people have died in my family over the past few years. like...i'm tired. but...i also feel like i'm not being intellectually stimulated enough with my work. which feels stupid bc i teach science and maths but it's all so second nature now i feel so MEH even though there's new stuff i just.....i feel like i'm done with it now. this feels like the greatest piece of evidence i could leverage about having some sort of dopamine deficiency because i think that's part of it i'm BORED and uni, whilst often stressful and frustrating, it at least presented novel challenges to me every 6 months. and i'm missing that. i'm fucking craving that feeling i miss having little projects i miss doing the thing and then moving on to a new thing. doing crafts doesn't do the same thing bc perfectionism but that's a different thing.

i guess i miss not having to doubt myself at every fucking turn, which i do at work now. i know i'm good at my job. but it's because i'm a fucking perfectionist that keeps doubting what they're doing at every fucking step and i don't trust myself to do anything right so i'm constantly re-doing things all the fucking time. and you'd think being a teacher would present novel opportunities all the time. and yeah! but also! the fucking amount of decision fatigue!!! makes everything worse all the time!! i just want to do my projects and learn new things and have things change in a predictable way every 6 months. i'm so tired man. i cannot emphasise enough how much i feel in my entire fucking being the need i have to do research. fuck man.

#personal #i feel a little better #i just BLEH #maybe i do quit and do some study and idk work in a bookstore next year

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foolishfalls · 1 year

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I've been kind of just chucking my feelings out into many a void today and I guess I'll do it here. Who knows where I'm likely to get a response??

below the cut i'll be discussing repeat injuries, chronic pain, how my mental health interacts with/contributes to them, and my growing rage and exasperation with the american healthcare system.

I feel like for much of my life I have been grappling with nebulous burgeoning health problems that were rarely serious enough for me to really seek out a doctor, plus, my parents are both notoriously bad at seeing doctors and taking care of themselves too, so living with them into adulthood definitely didn't help. (It's tough as hell being a PDA autistic up against all these very harsh hierarchical systems so full of barriers and demands amirite?)

given the autism with a pretty heavy PDA slant, making and keeping appointments has been a harrowing process for me for my whole entire life, as long as I can remember. It doesn't help that I am also terrible at advocating for myself and have been consistently dismissed by doctors over stuff that I experience... I've just kind of learned to take it lying down which is not a good habit but i get easily exasperated trying to explain myself to doctors. i struggle a ton with even talking to people i see as holding authority over me (i attribute this to ten years of catholic school kind of breaking me mentally and emotionally. if you have been to a religious or catholic school perhaps you have an understanding of this kind of mistreatment)

anyway, i just feel like the pandemic and the ongoing collapse of the healthcare system has just really brought this to a head for me recently. In the last 6 years or so, i've injured both of my ankles several times, rolls and sprains. honestly, the first few times, i was being dumb and not paying attention (i went through a terrible binge drinking period during my 21st year, hadn't yet discovered that i literally cannot wear most shoes besides flat-soled sneakers) but even when I tried to be careful after one or two bad sprains that went unchecked, mostly, I would end up hurting myself. Two of the subsequent times I hurt myself while moving between apartments (I've always lived in walk-ups and have usually moved everything myself with little help aside from friends) and bc of pretty bad cracks on sidewalks (big city infrastructure is total garbage, big surprise!)

like, as my repeated injuries got worse, my capacity for physical activity has too, and I already struggled for years as a kid and teen to develop a decent exercise/activity routine. I think I also have low muscle tone and really slow recovery time due to autism or some co-morbid condition (such as EDS or something. i have weird, weak, clicky joints, but i'm not really typically hypermobile?)

anyway, every time i went in for an x-ray or to see a doctor, i basically got told just to RICE and take care of it at home, so I didn't seek further help. the one time i did was last year, and it took a lot of advocating and was quite hard for me, and then it took months of waiting to even get an appointment with an ortho. This is after 5-6 sprains on my right ankle, and 2 on my left. when i sprained my left ankle the last time, i landed quite hard on my right knee and definitely hurt that too, because it still clicks and acts up.

of course, last august, my ortho appt finally approaches, and i get fucking covid literally the day before. i was so sick and tired i just no-showed and honestly forgot about it. if I miss an appointment and dont reschedule immediately, the likelihood that I will do that is very low. once again, PDA is a bitch.

but, at least since then I haven't actually injured my ankle. However, who knows what the effects of covid were on my body, my joints, who tf knows?? we know it causes and exacerbates all kind of conditions in people. I barely have been able to get doctors to take me seriously about the stuff I'm chronically experiencing, so even bringing up long-covid has felt kind of scary and pointless, tbh.

Fast forward to april of this year. after working in office jobs and sitting for two years straight, which caused me a ton of awful burnout, i end up working part-time at a cafe. while I'm working there, i injure/strain my hip and low back while slipping on a wet floor. this pain keeps me in bed consistently for about 3 weeks and I go to see my doctor about it. he diagnoses me with sciatic pain because it seems to be running and radiating down from my leg and hip. (mind you this is my right hip, which is attached to the knee i've hurt maybe twice, and the ankle i've injured 5-6 times!)

Up until then, I had been receiving some PT at my previous job to help stabilize and strengthen my hips, which my PT determined as the main cause for my ankle injuries. my hips shake when i walk and tend to cause a lot of instability. I made some progress, but I was receiving PT at my old job, and my insurance changed when I left it, so i was uninsured for like three months in the beginning of this year while trying to get new coverage. my hip pain was bad for about a month, after seeing my doctor, i got x-rays and they came back clean but the pain wasn't fully subsiding, so he writes me referrals for PT and pain management.

Because of my shit association with PT due to my old job, and the fact that the pain finally began to subside after the x rays came back (I kind of thought, oh, maybe it was lingering mostly due to my stress, guess im good) I dont make a PT appointment right away. I look into one place i'm referred to and it turns out they dont take my insurance which is bullshit. Then, I go to my last option, the hospital system I see my PCP out of. It's basically the lowest quality medical care you can access with medicaid which is what i currently have, and due to my experience working in a high-end PT office i know what the difference will be. this mental block kind of keeps me thinking it will be pointless so i took a while to make an appointment, trying to do exercises at home for now since i had a baseline from my old job.

While all this is happening, as my hip pain is subsiding, i get a weird lump/bump where my heel meets my right ankle, my bad ankle. it has been this way since about the end of May, now, and it has been the source of some of the most disarming, weird, confusing pain I've ever experienced in my life.

I also didn't talk yet about how realizing I'm autistic helped me make sense of my weird pain tolerance. on one hand, i've always been notably sensitive to even the slightest pain. would sob and sob over the smallest things as a kid. i think due to the reactions of adults around me, i gradually learned to dissociate in order to bury my pain. so, i feel like i both experience pain very strongly and intensely, and at times it can be so debilitating and distracting that i can focus on little else and it almost causes me brain fog and fatigue, while at other times, it is kind of distant and i tend to dissociate from it.

with this new pain in my heel, there's definitely some nerve shit involved, i think... i get twitches/spasms sometimes, numbness, tingling, sharp pain, dull pain. and it's seemingly unpredictable. i wear compression socks or a sleeve almost every single day because it's all that helps. it's past the point of icing helping it much because it's not swollen.

basically every time i have seen a doctor about my pain leading up to now, I have brought up the possibility of some underlying cause, but i always get dismissed. told I'm digging too deep or thinking too hard and just stressing myself out, despite the fact that I've always been clumsy and injury prone and had coordination issues. I guess bc those coordination issues haven't been well documented, and i am not officially diagnosed with autism or anything that could support my claims, i just don't get taken seriously, despite my experience being quite abnormal from what i understand when talking to others!!!

idk where I'm even going with this. today i was at a PT appointment for my hip and was on the verge of tears the whole time. I have to go back to my primary doctor in order for them to even begin attending to my heel despite that being the worst pain, and despite the fact that my hip/knee/heel/sciatica are all definitely related. I'm assuming this is because of insurance bullshit, i know it's pretty basic procedure, but it's exhausting that the american healthcare system is set up this way. it's really hard when you're autistic also and struggle with making and keeping appointments. it doesn't help that i've been dismissed by so many doctors that i just get intense anxiety about even having to go back again.

i'm also looking for a new PCP anyway because i don't like that mine doesn't take me very seriously and i am also transitioning and very scared/a bit paranoid about facing any transphobia or disclosing that fact to him if we have to run any blood tests. so maybe I'll have a better experience elsewhere, but this heel stuff has gone on for so long that i just have to bite the bullet and go back to the same place if it will be quicker to do so anyway.

and like, all procedural/red tape/insurance bullshit aside, bottom of the barrel PT treatment here is like. so dismal. once again maybe it's just bc i have the point of comparison from my old job, but i feel like the treatment is really just. so lackluster, doctors are seeing multiple patients at once, you're rushed through your visit, you don't have time to ask questions. the whole time i've been there no one has so much as taken a closer look at my heel. i know i'm there for my hip and you have to say that on paper for insurance, but like, damn, not even just a quick check??

I am afraid it's because I'm habitually downplaying the pain to cope and because i'm terrified of doctors. so maybe it's my fault.

still, the system is downright hostile to people who struggle with that stuff.

i don't have much else to say. just wanted to dump this somewhere and see if anyone else can understand or empathize with my experience. i don't talk about this super openly or readily because I don't even feel like i can call it chronic pain sometimes despite this being a several month long problem and really an issue that is about five years old, despite it being inconsistent... mostly because i just don't have the affirmation of a medical diagnosis. i have considered getting a cane/mobility aid very thoroughly recently because i know it would help me (and maybe even force doctors to take me seriously) but there's a part of me that feels like i can't or shouldn't. like i'm not valid enough for that, or i can function without it, but i know that's dismissive and so not the right way to think about mobility aids

i mean, it doesn't help that my dad has been limping and had chronic pain for years and has one and still refuses to use it... the internalized ableism runs deep. it's fucked. i'm trying hard to undo it but it's hard when you're already just hard on yourself.

anyway, just sorely needed to get this off my chest. thanks for reading if you do.

EDIT: i also wanted to say,, if you have gone through anything similar, just know you're not alone! so if you want to share your experience or talk about it with me pls know my asks and dms are open.

#personal #chronic pain #healthcare #idk #autism

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lambsearandlavender · 2 years

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So... my January.

Got incredibly badly triggered in therapy. Had decided in advance to give myself a week off and so just, raw dogged reliving some serious fucking trauma in that time. Think like...I thought my attachments were secure and I unsurfaced a memory that literally took my closest, safest, most loving relationship and snapped it in half. One of two people I trust to never leave or hurt me. And the other one is dead.

So then I didn't sleep for 2 weeks.

So I missed a lot of work.

And I already have intermittent fmla in saying I can miss one day a week because of my pnes seizures. And some weeks I use that for panic attacks instead but whatever. Anyway, lack of sleep and increased panic attacks.

Then right when I was getting better, I got covid. I avoided it for 3 years, but when you work in a school and no one wears masks or takes tests or even stays home when they're sick anymore, well, it's going to happen.

Anyway that means I missed more work. And I'm still very sick and actually only confirmed today at urgent care that it's covid (I knew, but none of my coworkers will take a test anymore because they don't want to have to stay home or they just don't think it could possibly be covid for whatever reason).

And so, in the end, I missed literally 50% of my work days in January. And i am doing fucking everything I can. I am working my ass off as much as is possible, physically without aggravating my cfs/whatever else, mentally while intentionally aggravating my trauma and pnes to heal it long term. There is not a single thing I can be doing better in my life right now. But it's not working, it's all falling apart. I'm a fucking wreck.

My therapist agrees that I'm doing everything i can, which i guess is nice validation because i keep beating myself up over it. Today she told me I'm strong for logging into therapy, with covid, having had a panic attack earlier today, after 2 weeks of not sleeping much. She was like wow, and at your baseline on top of all that you're in pain, but you still logged in to therapy? But what am I supposed to do? My baseline is bad. Things right now are worse. But they never go any better than bad, and I have a home and bills to pay and a job to keep. I need therapy to get better. I know it will sometimes make me worse on the way to better. So you bet your ass I'm going to be there and do that work because it's the only alternative I see to suicide.

That reminds me that I've also gone through all of this fully unmedicated; no antidepressants, heart meds, pain managers, adhd meds, no combating my fatigue, none of it because I was supposed to be off them for a tilt table test tomorrow that I now have to reschedule. And tbh I've actually been really proud of myself because the lack of sleep and anxiety are bad, but they're trauma, and I feel like aside from the trauma responses, my un medicated baseline is better than normal rn? Which is wild because life sucks rn.

Normally on a good day, even a fantastic day, without meds I seriously want to die. Really truly can't stop thinking about it, want to be dead. But the last two weeks it only crosses my mind like twice a day and never too seriously or for too long. That's huge.

But then, back to work - obviously I can't be missing 50%. And unfortunately I don't do the kind of job you can just reduce your hours at, it's full time or nothing. So this isn't sustainable. But there is literally nothing more or better I can be doing about it right now. But today I got an email from hr about obviously being out of compliance with my fmla and that I need to update the paperwork or whatever or there will be disciplinary action.

I guess I have to email my doctor tomorrow. Idk. I'm a fucking mess. I might have more panic attacks about it before I get any sleep tonight. Sigh.

Anyway I also can't really afford to um. Lose my income. But the only thing I can think of to do is fight to finish The school year and then work my ass off over the summer to finish my doula certification and start my business so that at least I have more flexibility and no bosses to answer to about my illness. But. I have to do all that fighting to stay afloat and then all that working my ass off while continuing to be extremely physically and mentally ill, disabled, and dealing with trauma and ptsd. So.

That's when I find myself thinking, maybe I should just die. The odds are so very very against me in every way. I'm tired. I'm working so hard and I'm so burned out and I'm tired. And right now I feel very alone in it.

#pnes #emdr #ptsd #cptsd

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chaotic-average-child · 2 years

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Mfw i realize i might need to get an MRI

So like

A while ago like early 2021 and late 2022 and parts of late 2021 i got these weird like dizzy spells where like

My body goes numb starting from my lips and that's how I knew "aw shit here we go again" so i lay down because after the first time where I just went almost entirely numb before deciding 'hey maybe i should lay down maybe that'll help ' anyway i go numb starting from my lips, then the rest of my face then my finger tips start going out then my toes as it slowly creeps up and by that point I've already layed down and close my eyes because when they're open i literally can't process anything anyway, it's all fuzzy but not blurry, i can read things but can't like i imagine similar to dyslexia? Maybe? Where i can clearly see what I'm looking at but i also can't as all the colors kinda blur into eachother (i just get that occasionally but i can't remember if i got it before or after) anyway my body slowly just numbs to the point I'm just asleep now, sometimes I'll have gotten on my bed but other times I'm on my couch or under my bed (it's a loft i swear it makes more sense if uve seen my bed there's blankets down there and it's very comfortable) anyway It reminds me of migraine in the way that I'm intentionally sleeping but it feels more like I'm going unconscious if that makes sense, one moment I'm relaxed next I'm out kinda thing and anyway usually when i wake up the numbness is gone though sometimes i wake up too early and it's only like half way gone but that's workable... Anyway one time i was awake and it was around Easter and i can't remember if this was the first or second time this happened but it was early ish and anyway i was talking w my dad when suddenly my vision just kinda cuts him out

Ignore the poor editing but it kinda looked like when you fold a dollar bill to remove the face but the darkness was there but also not, like weird way like looking through a closed eye, with the other opened. And so i joke about it with my dad and his girlfriend who react more 'what the fuck are you talking about ' and i just say 'oh yea ig it's doing that' and my body goes numb i remember arguing about something then going to the living room and just bop I'm out like a light and when i wake up I'm off the couch and feel like hell but luckily not numb or anything just chalky tongue and sweaty. Anyway this happens for like a while and i assume it's just computer sickness then way after the fact i assume i might have had a seizure session for like a year 💀 where every so once in a while i just seize but like the more i think about it the more it doesn't make sense because i don't know why I'd even seize for that while but i mean I've gotten headaches and have a history of head trauma without going to the doctor or even treating it like a concussion ever. Despite having slammed my head incredibly hard... Anyway i get dizzy still but not as much numbing as much just nausea like on Halloween I almost collapsed but that could have been from pain since i sprained my ankle but i also got dizzy nausea wise again around mid November and another time around last week and I've been sick for the past 2 weeks ish (can't miss school because they said i used up my absences which... ) Anyway i might have had a bunch of seizures that still fuck w me or I've had a stroke lmao y'know normal haha funny things anyway either way I feel like i should get an MRI just to be safe

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djino04 · 2 years

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OmegaVerse - Lost

POV Saul

I think it's been a long time since I felt so lost and helpless. Already, my pack is totally gone. Ben had to leave the school to get Sam to safety. And Farah is gone and I fear the worst. Despite what Rosalind says, I know she wouldn't have left school without a fight. And she wouldn't have given up on me. She's the only one I've told the truth about my category and she's stood by me ever since, whether as the alpha of the pack or as the head of this school. I know very well that she had no right to put me in the position of specialist headmaster but she did it anyway. And she helped me whenever I needed an alpha to ground me, heal me, soothe me or just cuddle on the couch. She told me several times that she also really enjoyed these moments and could think better afterwards. There was just nothing but friendship between us, but that didn't stop her from giving me everything I needed. And in return, I was there for her too. She and Ben were my pack but they are both gone.

The months in prison were hard, I know they injected me with stuff that kept me from feeling too much alpha’s missing or at least dying because of it. These products are not allowed to be sold because they are considered too dangerous. I have taken them once or twice in the past and I remember very well the lecture Farah gave me when she found out. I promised her afterwards that I wouldn't do it again. But here I am, free and without alpha and soon I will have no choice. My head hurts and my stomach hurts. And the pain has started to creep into my bones. I know it won't stop on its own. The only people who know about my categorization are Rosalind and Andreas. It is totally out of the question that I go crawling in front of the first one, I know that she is waiting for that. And anyway, her contact would not make me feel better because I have absolutely no confidence in her.

Concerning Andreas, it is more complicated. He's been avoiding me for the last 10 days, since I confronted him in my... well his apartments. I would love to believe that what he told me is true, it would explain so many things. But it would also mean that I practically killed him when nothing was his fault, that he had no control over his actions. And that thought makes me sick. It took me years to accept that I did the only thing I could do by killing him. And now I learn that he was not himself. On the one hand, that would explain the botched fight we had that day. He was far from 100%, I had the advantage far too quickly. I thought it was just the desperation I felt during the fight, but I have big doubts now.

Thinking about the past does not solve my current problem. I need to get out of Alfea to get one or more bottles of the product. The person who supplies me with the alpha perfume should be able to get me this potion as well. But I'm sure Rosalind is keeping a close eye on me. But the longer I wait, the less I'll be able to sneak out. In two or three days, I will certainly be bedridden, unable to get up. I don't know how the headmistress will act at that point, but I have no desire to find out.

A little voice tells me that I could always go to Sky. He is an alpha and if I explain the situation to him, he will certainly help me. But he doesn't know about my categorization and that's better. It's still a secret, but it protects him. He would become a criminal if he didn't report my situation. And anyway, he is far too angry to talk to me. So I don't have many options left. So I make a phone call to my supplier and I wait until it's dark to leave my apartment discreetly, then the castle.

I quickly make my way to the teachers' parking lot, being careful to stay close to the building and avoid the windows. Fortunately there are no students outside, otherwise I would have a hard time explaining the situation. I finally reach a service car but a hand lands on the car before I can open the door, startling me. There are few people who are able to sneak up behind me like that and one of them is Andreas. This is confirmed when I smell his scent, then when I hear his voice ringing in my ears:

"So where are you planning to go, Saul? Don't you remember what Rosalind promised to do to you if you didn't turn back into a good, obedient little omega?"

I can't help but shudder at the memory of the pain and I know it will be much worse in my current situation. But I don't really have a choice in the matter so I answer without looking back:

"She won't know anything, if you don't tell her."

I hear Andreas snicker behind me:

"Answer my first question first and then I'll see if I'm in or not."

I sigh, maybe if I'm honest with him, he'll let me go. After all, he doesn't have to be the heartless jerk of the past few years anymore if he told the truth about controlling Rosalind :

"I have to go get a product..."

"And what product?"

"Omitrix. It's useful for omegas that don't have alpha."

I can clearly hear the doubt in his voice as he replies:

"And you go looking for this in the middle of the night because…?"

I sigh, I know I'm playing it straight, anyway there are no other options for me:

"Maybe it's not really legal... But this is what they gave me in prison and it was working for me."

Andreas moves to come lean his back against the car door and crosses his arms in front of his chest:

"You're telling me you're going to go get that shit, I've heard of its effects. There are several omega's that have died from it, Saul... And just because you haven't had any side effects yet doesn't mean there won't be next time you take it."

Is that a hint of concern I see in his eyes? And yes, I'm well aware of the risks, but I don't have much choice. That's why I answer him:

"It's either take that risk or agonize in my bed for several days and end up dead too. So I'm going to take the route that gives me a small chance."

Andreas shakes his head and grabs my arm like he did the other day, but his gesture is much gentler as he leads me toward the castle:

"You're a fool..."

I try to resist but Andreas has always been stronger than me. But I feel anger come over me as he is eliminating my last solution:

"How am I a fool? I'm a fool for trying to find a solution to my situation. Do you really think I like the fact that my weak omega body can't go more than a few days without alpha? But I'm going to tell you something you may not know. I don't have an alpha Andreas anymore, no one to turn to when I need one. And even if he hates me, I can't leave Sky here, I can't leave your son alone, not with Rosalind around. And I don't plan to let her destroy Farah's dream either. My fairy wanted a school where kids feel at home and learn safely. She's gone and so she can't make sure of that, so I have to do it for her. So yes, I want to take omitrix because I have no other choice."

My little speech didn't seem to please Andreas because he suddenly slams me against the wall of the building and angrily speaks to me:

"And you didn't think in your little noggin that you could come to me... You were thinking more than that in my memory. So stop whining, follow me to my apartments and I will provide you with a solution that is neither painful nor risky for your health."

I look at him dumbfounded but that doesn't stop him from dragging me back to his apartments. He sits me down on the couch and like the last time, he takes my wrists in his hands. I sigh with relief, closing my eyes as the pain slowly fades away and the cold feeling disappears.

After several minutes, I open my eyes and look at Andreas. He doesn't seem to be angry like the other day. The anger has been replaced by what seems to be a kind of sadness. I'm about to open my mouth but he immediately stops me by scolding in his alpha voice:

"You might as well shut up if it's to say anything other than thank you or to apologize for being a jerk who would rather risk his life than come to me."

My omega instinct tells me that I had better do what he says and for once I listen. So I simply answer thank you.

Minutes pass but Andreas doesn't stop his contact for all that. And despite all my efforts, I relax more and more. It has been months since I felt so safe, reassured by the presence of one of my alphas. Because yes, I realize that despite all the time that has passed, despite all that has happened, Andreas is still part of the pack and I still consider him my alpha. My eyes close in spite of myself and for the first time since Rosalind's return, no nightmare comes to disturb my sleep.

#fate winx saga #fate the winx saga #ftws #fic #saul silva #andreas of eraklyon #saundreas

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