#but I've got a therapy appointment after this and I'm gonna go Off

[gxlden-angels]

I hate going to Christian-based hospitals. There's a bible verse slide show on the screens that other places usually have medical information graphics and resources on and I just got asked "Do you have a source of peace in your life?" like babygirl I'm here for neurological pain my source of peace is Lidocaine 4% and a heating pad

[heartateasee]

“Chapter One”

Word Count: 6.7k

(Chapter one to “Cherry Bomb” - please make sure to read the TW on the “Cherry Bomb” masterlist before proceeding.)

●・○・●・○・●

Sitting in my makeup chair, I stare at myself in the vanity mirror. The bright bulbs surrounding it are causing me to squint a bit. My usual hair stylist wasn't able to make it out to LA for this show, and I wasn't upset about that. She had a family emergency, and for me, friends and family came before anything for those around me. The woman behind me, whose name I learned was Lisa, was just finishing up the curls she was putting into my hair. She was middle aged from what I could see, and she could style the hell out of some hair. I had just gotten my wolf cut shaped for this specific show since it was the last one of my current tour, and she couldn't stop complimenting me on how much it suited me.

After this, I will be taking a break to work on a new album here in LA. I've purchased a house and had a recording installed so that I'll be able to work there instead of traveling around. Although my parents didn't live here anymore, this was still the place I considered home. I left almost two years ago when I got signed to my record label, and it's been almost three years since I've actually been back.

As much as I had tried to deny it, there was a part of me that had avoided LA on the two other tours I've gone on before this one. I wasn't ready to face the people here who knew me, and most of all, I don't know how I would act if I were to see him.

I went through a few years of therapy to get over the emotional turmoil I went through after Harry and I's friendship ended. It was necessary. I avoided human contact with anyone but my parents for almost a whole year because of it, and I finally took the step at finding a therapist - forcing myself to make the appointments for a few months until I actually started to look forward to it.

It's been almost a year since the last appointment with my therapist, the both of us deciding that I no longer needed to be seen on a monthly basis as I had been. We agreed that I could reach out to her when needed, and she assured me that she would be available any day and any time.

"Alright, since I'm finished with your hair, I'm gonna go grab your girl to finish up your makeup, okay?" Lisa asks, and I give her a nod.

"Yes, thank you so much for doing this last minute. I really appreciate you."

"Of course, sweetheart."

She gives me a squeeze to my shoulder as she exits the room, and I sigh as I grab my pack of cigarettes off the vanity. I slip one between my lips, lighting it up as I stare at myself in the mirror once again. It looks like the only things I have left for my makeup is eyeshadow, lashes and lips, and I know those won't take too long since the base of everything is already set.

I take a drag of my cigarette, flicking the ash into the tray in front of me. Pulling my bottom lip through my teeth, I keep the stick between my fingers as I rub the tip of my thumb over one of my brows out of stress.

There were going to be people here tonight that I haven't seen in years. I knew that by keeping my real name instead of choosing a stage name that as soon as I decided to come home that it would bring attention. I wasn't famous on a large scale by any means, but I did have a decent following, and this current tour has opened a lot of new doors for me.

I had invited Mikey and Kailey considering I'd kept up with them pretty regularly over the years, but they both were busy tonight with their jobs. I've actually flown the both of them out to a few shows, and at first I was worried that the both of them would be offended that I got a whole new band to back me up instead of them, but they understood why I didn't. That would feel too much like having the band without him, and that was just something I couldn't ever bring myself to do.

I've only ever brought him up once, and it was to Kailey after the third show I flew her out to. She said she wanted to talk to me about it as well, but she didn't know how to bring it up. He was still in the area, that was for sure from things that Kailey had heard, but she had only ever seen him twice since everything happened.

The first time was at a gas station and he was grabbing a pack of cigarettes, however, he didn't see her. The second time was at a house party she was invited to, and Harry was just showing up as she was leaving. She told me that he was already pretty drunk from what she could tell, and they made eye contact, but he immediately looked away and kept making his way into the party. She told me that Mikey hasn't heard or seen him at all.

"Sorry, sorry, I was finishing my dinner."

I'm brought out of my thoughts as I see Christy, my makeup artist, come rounding in front of me. "Okay, so just a few things left, Marls," she says, eyes scanning over my face before giving herself a nod.

I take a few more quick drags of my cigarette before snuffing it out.

Christy begins to apply some primer to my lids before shuffling through some of the palettes she brought with her. "Since your outfit is a dark creme and black color scheme, I think I'm going to go with a darker lid, what do you think?"

"Yeah, yeah," I nod, clearing my throat before looking back at myself in the mirror. "That sounds good to me. I trust you, you always take care of me."

Christy stands back in front of me and sends me a smile as I close my eyes, allowing her to work her magic. My hands were slightly clutching to the arms of the makeup chair as I felt the bristles of the makeup brush on my lids.

It's quiet between the two of us for a while before Christy speaks up. "You're a little more nervous than I'm used to seeing," she comments. "Are you nervous about potentially seeing..."

Christy has been my makeup artist for the last two and half years, and within that time, I've opened up to her a lot about things in my personal life. Other than my manager, she's probably the person I confide in the most while on the road, and sometimes even off of it. I try my best not to bother either of them when we're taking a break from touring, and they're back at home with their families, but both of them have assured me time and time again that I'm not doing that when I reach out.

"A little bit, yeah," I confess, licking over my bottom lip. "But I also don't think that he'll come. He probably doesn't even remember at this point."

I can hear Christy sigh, and I feel the brush fall from my skin for a moment. My eyes flutter open to see her staring down at me - head tilted to the side.

"Now you and I both know that you don't actually believe that for a second."

Scowling slightly, I cross my arms and slouch in my chair. "No, I don't. You have to understand that it's easier for me to think that way though than to think he does remember me, and that he hasn't reached out at all."

"Trust me, I definitely get that," Christy says with a nod, and I close my eyes again to let her continue. "But I also don't think it's completely fair to yourself to just say he's forgotten you. I highly doubt that he has."

"Who knows at this point though? Literally no one I still speak to has actually talked to him. I have nothing to go on."

Christy remains silent as she finishes my eye makeup, and she continues to not speak as she applies my lashes. I'm sure she's stopped speaking on the subject to keep me from getting even more nervous than I already am.

As she starts to work on my red lips, I see the door open in the mirror.

"You have fifteen minutes before you're on, Marlowe," Lys, my manager, says as she pokes her head into my dressing room. "Do you need any help getting into your dress?"

I shake my head once Christy pulls the lip product she was using away for a moment to give me a chance to respond. "No, I've got it. Thank you though."

Lys nods, but instead of stepping out, she makes her way into the room, standing behind me as Christy finishes up on my lips. She places her hands on my shoulders, massaging them softly as we make eye contact through the mirror.

"You've got this. I know this is your first hometown show, and that it probably feels extremely stressful for you right now, but just remember what you always say before each and every show - you won't be able to see past at least the fourth row because of the lights, these people are here to see you because they already love your music, and you wouldn't be up on that stage to begin with if you weren't immensely talented."

Christy moves away for a moment, before she stands back in front of me with some setting spray. I close my eyes and feel the product misting my skin, and then I feel air fanning against it as Christy dries it by waving her hands in front of my face.

"All done, and looking as beautiful as ever," she says, reaching down to grab my hands.

With the both of them making contact with me, it does help me ground myself a little bit. I shut my eyes and take in a deep breath as I give Christy's hands a squeeze.

"Thank you guys so much, seriously," I tell them, blinking my eyes back open. I shift in my chair a bit so I can look at the both of them, Lys moving both of her hands to drape over one of my shoulders. "I don't know what I would do without the both of you."

"Crash and burn, probably is what I'd say, " Lys says with a shrug, looking over to Christy. "What do you think?"

"Oh absolutely," Christy agrees with a nod.

I roll my eyes before popping up out of my chair, walking over to my dressing room door. Gripping the doorknob on my hand, I gesture my other hand through the door frame.

"Now, if you lovely ladies would be so kind, I have to get changed," I tell them.

Lys sticks her tongue out at me playfully as Christy gathers her makeup supplies, and they both file out of the room. I strip off the robe I had been wearing, leaving me in just my bra and underwear underneath.

Making my way over to the hanger on the rack, I pull off the fishnets that were hanging through the middle of it and pull them onto my legs with a pair of black cheeky shorts over them - just in case my dress flies up for any reason on stage. I slip on my dress after that, thankful that the zipper was on the side so I could actually manage this myself.

It wasn't that I didn't want the help, but I just needed some silence before going out on that stage. Things never end well for me if it tends to get too loud, and I had a fear of that happening if I didn't give myself some alone time tonight.

After I sit down on the couch, I pull on the shoes that have multiple buckles that go up my legs - which stop right underneath my knees. I shove my hands into my half pleather gloves, clenching and unclenching my fingers to get a good feel of how much mobility I had in them. I stand up and walk over to the full length mirror in my room - giving myself a good once over.

I slip my eyes shut after a moment, rolling my head from side to side on my shoulders while shaking out my arms a bit.

Beginning to pace around my room, I start my vocal exercises - tapping my fingers slightly to the beat that I was pacing myself at. My eyes meet the clock on the wall, and I know that it's time.

I make my way over the door, and I open it before making my way towards the stage.

"Oh! I was just coming to get you," Lys says cheerfully as she begins to walk beside me, taking my hand and lacing our fingers together. "I'm so proud of you, Marlowe, you have no idea."

We make our way to the steps that lead to where I'm needed next, and she stops us. I look down at her, and I can see tears glazing over her eyes.

"I mean that," she says, speaking over the cheers that are flooding through from the crowd. "I know how much it took for you to get here to be able to play this show, and I hope you're just as proud of yourself as I am of you. You're remarkable, and now you get to show the city where you came from just how remarkable you are as well."

Pursing my lips to the side, I do my best not to cry as I quickly wrap my arms around Lys, pulling her in for a hug. "Fuck you for almost making me cry before I go out there," I joke with a laugh, and I hear her give one back to me as her hands run up and down my back.

We pull away after a moment, and she begins to wipe under her eyes.

"Go, go! I'll be right off to the side if you need me, but I know you won't. You're going to be so wonderful."

Smiling, I give her a nod before making my way to the steps, encasing one of the rails in my hand. I watch as my band enters in from the steps on the other side of the stage, and they take their positions. They begin to play my intro song, and I nod my head to beat to try and get myself into the zone.

On stage, I'm more than just Marlowe Finch. On stage, I'm Marlowe Finch, the singer.

Once a certain beat hits, I race up the steps and onto the stage, the volume from the crowd increasing entirely as I walk the front of the surface. This was a smaller venue, so it was easy for the sound to fill the place, but I was honestly surprised at just how many people were here. I could tell there were people lined up from wall to wall, and the crowd extended all the way into the back towards the front door.

I can feel the large smile taking over my features as I make my way back into the middle of the stage towards my mic stand.

"LA, how are we feeling?" I call out, and the crowd begins to go wild again after just starting to calm down. "Well, you beautiful fucking people, I hope you came here to have a good time because that's what I intend on giving you. Did you guys come here to have a good time?"

I can hear the crowd yell back 'yeah' to me, and I laugh outside of the microphone before letting it meet my lips again. "I said, did you guys come here to have a good time?"

They yell back again even louder than before, and I nod. "Well let's start this damn party, shall we?"

●・○・●・○・●

My chest heaves as I finish my second to the last song. I turn to face my band, sending them all a huge smile, and they're sending me one right back. I turn back to the crowd, and I can feel a lump growing in my throat.

"You guys have been so incredible. I can't thank you enough," I tell them genuinely as I rest my hand against my chest. "I haven't played a hometown show in my time as an artist for various reasons, but I've finally found the strength within myself to do it, and you guys have given me a show even greater than I ever hoped. So thank you, to each and every one of you for making this night so special."

"I'm going to be taking a bit of a break to work on my first full album - not just an EP. Can you all believe that?" I ask, and the crowd cheers. "And it wouldn't be possible without all of you, truly. For this last song I'm going to sing, it's the only completed song I have so far for the new album. It's extremely personal to me, and I didn't know if I was going to play it tonight, but you guys have been so great to me. This is my gift to you. Thank you guys again."

Once more I turn to my band, and my guitarist, Garrett, lifts his eyebrows at me. I know that they all have to be surprised that I'm choosing to sing this song, but it feels right tonight. I give him a nod, and he begins to strum the chords for the introduction of the song.

After a while, the drums start as well, and I close my eyes tight as I keep my back to the audience. I listen to the music surrounding me and I tell myself that this is the moment for me to finally sing this - the most personal song I've written so far. I can hear that it's almost time for me to start singing, and I turn back to the crowd as I cup the microphone on the stand in both of my hands.

"Down to you. You're pushin' and pullin' me down to you, But I don't know what I-"

The song immediately goes into the chorus, and I find myself shutting my eyes again - shying away from the crowd for the first time tonight.

"Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself from saying something that I should've never thought. Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself from saying something that I should've never thought of you."

I hesitantly open my eyes, and I can see the crowd nodding their heads and swaying to the sound of the beat. That gives me a little more reassurance, and I feel a small smile twitch onto my lips as I watch them.

"Of you - you're pushin' and pullin' me down to you. But I don't know what I want. No, I don't know what I want."

Taking the microphone off the stand, I walk towards the front of the crowd and lean down, making eye contact with a few people as I sing the next verse.

"You got it, you got it - some kind of magic. Hypnotic, hypnotic - you're leaving me breathless I hate this. I hate this. You're not the one I believe in - with God as my witness."

The band leads me into the next chorus which then fades into the slower bridge, and I stop in the middle of the stage. I extend one of my hands over my head as I feel the music, and I begin to snake my body around while I sing out the next words.

"Don't know what I want, but I know it's not you. Keep pushin' and pullin' me down - when I know, in my heart, it's not you."

The song remains slower until the band kicks in heavy once again for the last chorus, and I quickly grab the microphone out of the middle of the stage, tossing it to the side, as myself, Garrett, and my bassist, Alice, begin to head bang.

"Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself from saying something that I should've never thought. Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself from saying something that-"

I slam down onto my knees on the stage, my dress long enough to cover me as it sit back slightly on my heels, and I press the palm of my hand not holding the microphone down onto the stage between my thighs as I belt out the last few lines of the song.

"I should've never thought of you. I knew. I know, in my heart, it's not you. I knew. But now, I know what I want, I want, I want. Oh, no, I should've never thought!"

Sucking in air to catch my breath, I keep myself in the position for a while. I didn't even realize that I had tears streaming down my cheeks, my eyes now burning from the sensation as my bottom lip trembles. I know my hair is covering me from the audience so they're not able to see how emotional I've become.

In order to distract the crowd a bit, the band begins to play the beginning of the song again, and I know they're doing it to stall - to help me recuperate, and give a proper end to my set.

Only a few more seconds go by before I push myself off the ground, and I lift my other hand to move my curls out of my face as I hold the microphone to my lips.

"You've been truly magical, LA," I compliment them, and I know that my tears are gone from my cheeks. I just hope that it hasn't been obvious that I've been crying. "Hopefully I'll be seeing you again really soon. Thank you again, get home safely, and have a good night!"

I begin to blow kisses to them and wave as I start towards the steps I had entered on, and I quickly feel an arm wrap around mine.

"Believe me when I say that was your best performance yet!" Lys squeals, leaning over to press her lips against my cheek, her hold tightening on my right arm as she does so. "I can't believe you played the song. They loved it, Marlowe."

Lys has set it up for me to sign a few things against a side barricade before heading back tonight, and I was more than okay with that. They start leading me towards backstage again, and the way the stage was set up, I have to walk a bit onto the main floor before entering the backstage door. There's a railing blocking me from everyone, and I move a bit closer to Lys as fans start screaming my name - extending copies of my EP for me to sign.

My eyes widen, and I stop to greet them. I sign the items and give them back, all while thanking each person for coming tonight, and for supporting me. Once I reach the end of the line, the main floor is practically cleared out, and we start towards the door.

"Marlowe," I hear my name, and I feel a hand brush against the top of my left arm.

I immediately flinch away and look over at the individual as the security behind us begins to block me from them. Looking away, I start towards the door again before I freeze - realizing the set of ivy colored eyes my blue ones had just been met with.

"Honey, come on," I know Lys is speaking to me, but her voice sounds far away as I turn to look at the person who is calling my name once again.

All the air gets pushed from my lungs when I see who it is, and my knees just about give out on me. He's dressed in a pair of tight black jeans with a pastel floral button-up. The top few buttons are undone to reveal the swallows I knew so well in addition to the antennas of the butterfly that adorns the top of his stomach.

"Harry," I breathe, and he gives me a nod.

It's then that I realize his hair is longer - much longer than the last time I've seen him. He lifts a hand to run through the front of it, pushing it out of his face, but he never averts his gaze from mine.

"No fucking way," I hear Lys whisper behind me, and she quickly gives my arm another squeeze. "Let's go, Marlowe. I'll have security see him out."

Shaking my head, I pull my arm away from her, and now I'm completely turning to face him.

"What do you want?" I ask him - my tone coming out more aggressive than I thought, and I've even surprised myself with that.

"Can we talk?"

Every fiber of my being tells me that I should tell him no. That I should just send him away, and that I don't owe him a thing for the years of turmoil he's put me through. But now that he's here in front of me, and I know he hasn't actually forgotten who I am, I want nothing more than to hear his voice for more than just a few seconds.

"You want to talk?" My eyebrows narrow, and I can feel one of my hands clenching into a fist by my side.

"That's what I asked, isn't it?"

"Alright, that's enough," Lys' voice cuts in, and I feel her wrap her arm around my chest as she starts to steer me towards the backstage area again. "Come on, let's get you changed and home."

"No," I tell her, and we stop again as I tilt my head towards the door - eyes still on Harry. "If you wanna talk, let's talk."

Harry peers at the security guard that just slightly towers over him as he makes his way around the barricade that was completely separating him from us. I swallow harshly as we start towards my dressing room, and Lys opens the door - following me inside.

"Marlowe, I don't know if this is such a good-"

"Look, Lys, I appreciate it, I do, and I understand why you would be hesitant to let me do this, but with the progress I've made - I feel like I need to," I explain, and I watch her nibble on the inside of her cheek before looking over her shoulder at Harry who was now also entering the room. "I have my phone on me, okay? If I need you, I'll call."

"Okay," she sighs, shaking her head in defeat when she knows that I'm going through with this. "Do you want me to leave one of the security guys outside of the door?"

I can't help but smirk softly at her proposition. "I'm okay, but thank you for offering."

Nodding, she starts out of the room, but she stops and looks at Harry. "I swear to god, if I get a phone call from her in the next five minutes and she's crying, I'll find out where you live, and I'll make sure that-"

"Lys!" I say, and she quickly makes eye contact with me as I raise my eyebrows.

"Right, sorry," she mumbles before heading out of the room.

Silence takes over, and I keep my eyes off of Harry as I walk over to my vanity. I grab the ashtray off the surface, as well as my pack of cigarettes, before I head over to the couch - plopping myself down on it. I stick a cigarette between my teeth to hold it stable as I lean down and begin to undo the buckles of my shoes. Once I have them undone, I toss both of them to the side, and I pluck the lighter out of my pack.

I quickly light the cigarette before leaning back into the couch a bit, one leg crossed over the other. In the time that I had taken my shoes off, I didn't notice that Harry had grabbed one of the fold up metal chairs that had been leaning up against the wall. He set it up right across from me, only the coffee table really separating the two of us.

Unfortunately, I find myself in a bit of a trance as I see him fish his own pack of cigarettes from the front pocket of his jeans. He flips the lid and brings it up to his mouth, pulling one of the sticks out with his teeth. His eyes flip up to meet mine as he grabs his lighter and sparks it - heart shaped lips immediately closing down around the filter, and I watch the end glow orange.

We both pull the cigarettes from our mouths at the same time, and I tilt my head up to blow the smoke towards the ceiling, but his head remains level with his sight still set on me.

It only takes a few more seconds before we let our eyes journey down each other's bodies, and although I had taken him in out on the main floor, it was like I was doing it for the first time all over again. My head could hardly wrap around the fact that he no longer had some sort of bandana trapped inside his curls, and I could tell with the way his sleeves were rolled up to the creases of his elbows that he had gotten more tattoos over the years.

I'm sure I looked different to him too. My hair was now dark brown, almost black, instead of blonde. My body had truly formed into a woman, causing me to have thicker thighs and a fuller bust. Although my dress covered all of my chest, I knew he could still see the curve to my breasts. He cleared his throat once his eyes made it down to my legs that were still crossed, and he leaned forward to ash his cigarette into the tray.

"So you made it, huh?" He asks, licking over his bottom lip before taking another drag. "You did the whole music thing?"

I scoff slightly, and I can't help but roll my eyes at his statement. "Well, yeah, it was always my dream - my end goal. Just wish that..."

Trailing off, I decide not to finish my sentence as I shake my head. "Doesn't matter," I mumble softly. "What about you? Do you play anymore?

"Well, it would be hard to play considering your parents sold my drumset when they moved out of their home, but even then I wouldn't have wanted it. I still listen to music, but I could never see myself playing again like I did."

Frowning, I ash my own cigarette, leaning forward a bit to rest my wrist on top of my knee - tilting my head to the side. "That's a shame, Harry, you were talented," I tell him honestly, and for the first time I feel my stomach knot up from my nerves. "And my parents assured me that they put the check for the set in your mailbox."

"Oh they did," Harry laughs, running his tongue along the inside of his cheek. "Just another act of charity from them, just like all those years before."

I try to swallow down my anger with his comment, but I can feel my jaw tense. "They never saw you that way, and you know that I never did either. You bought that set with the money you earned from working at the record store. It was yours."

"Yeah, whatever," he shrugs me off with a wave of his hand as he takes an especially long drag.

It grows quiet again, and I finish off my cigarette - putting the butt out in the tray. Leaning back on the couch, I drape my arms across the top of it, and I watch as Harry pulls his bottom lip between his teeth.

"Why are you here, Harry?" I ask, needing him to be straight up with me. I need to know why he chose me coming home to finally acknowledge my existence again.

"Saw your name on the marquee," he said, bringing his hand up to toy with his bottom lip instead, rolling it between the pad of his thumb and his index finger. "Had to make sure that it was you."

"Okay, I guess I'm just a little confused? It's been almost five years. I'm just not understanding how me coming home all of a sudden-"

"What? Do you think there's more to this than me just wanting to confirm that it's you? I'm not here from some type of emotional reunion, Marlowe. Jesus Christ," Harry shakes his head, snuffing his own cigarette out before reaching to grab his pack again.

"Oh, because there's just so many Marlowe Finch's in the world, right?" I ask him, feeling my hands begin to tremble as I drop them down onto the cushions beside me to cup the edge of the couch. "You just had to confirm it was me?"

"I don't know what kind of answer you're looking for here, but whatever it is, you're not getting it from me," Harry laughs darkly, his eyes completely avoiding me now.

Gritting my teeth, I stand from the couch and reach out to snatch his pack of cigarettes from his hand. "You owe me a fucking explanation," I seethe, tears beginning to burn in my eyes from how furious I'm feeling. "Do you understand what you've put me through?"

Harry rolls his eyes and I see a smirk take over his expression as he looks at the wall over my shoulder instead of looking at me. His lips roll, and I can tell that he's slightly sucking his teeth.

"Is something funny?" I lean down to block his view of the wall, and for the first time ever, I see a darkness in his green eyes.

It almost knocks the wind out of me as he's never looked at me with such a gaze, and he sits up from his slightly slouched position in his chair.

"Yeah, there is," he states, standing up, and he takes the pack back from me. "The fact that you think that I owe you anything. Whatever you went through after I told you I didn't want to be friends with you anymore is on you. I should've done it years prior, but you were clinging to me so hard and-"

"Don't you dare fucking finish that sentence," I grit at him, tugging the pleather gloves off my hands as they were growing too clammy for my liking. I toss them onto the couch behind me, and I walk forward so my chest is flush with his. "I was clinging to you? Harry, we only had each other until we found Kailey and Mikey, and then after that you found Sierra. But Sierra didn't really matter either, right? You were sick of her too from what you said. I just don't understand why you completely erased me from your life like you did. I tried to go to your house a month after you left and-"

"You know I never liked you going to my house," Harry's voice lowers, and I feel him buck his chest up against mine a little more. "My mum told me that you stopped by like you did, and that was stupid."

"I didn't have any other choice! You made me feel like I was losing my mind! Fuck - I feel like I'm losing it again right now. Even after five years, you still find a way to mess with my fucking head just by being in my presence for ten minutes," I gasp, moving away from him as my hands tangle into my hair. I begin to pace my dressing room, heart thumping in its cavity.

"I told you I wanted to see if it was you, and that's that. There's nothing more to it, and once I leave here tonight it'll be just like it has been. We won't see each other, we still won't be friends. Eventually you'll forget that you ever saw me again."

Tears wet my cheeks as I look back over to him, and I shake my head. "That's the thing, Harry, I won't. There's hardly been any time that I haven't thought of you over these years, and there's no way that this isn't going to stick just like all the other memories."

Harry steps towards me again, and I look up as his eyes bounce all over my face. "Then wake the fuck up, Marlowe, and learn to properly forget about me."

I open my mouth to speak again, but Harry's already turned around - making his way out of the dressing room. He slams the door behind him, and I quickly clamp a hand over my mouth to keep myself from sobbing out. I don't want anyone to hear me like this. I don't know if Lys is still here, but if she is, I know she'll find some way to have Harry's head if she hears me. I'm also really not in the mood to have someone comforting me.

Maybe I really had been fooling myself after all these years, thinking that he was missing me just as much as I was missing him. I couldn't blame him for coming tonight if his true reason was just to confirm that it was me - I'd probably do the same if the situations were reversed.

But what I didn't expect from Harry was the darkness that was surrounding him. That definitely wasn't the same person I knew, and at this point he was truly unrecognizable to me. The moment those green eyes turned into nothing but flourishing ivy I once held so dear - I knew he was never going to come back to me as the same old Harry. He doesn't want to come back at all.

Part of me thinks this is what I needed. I needed to see him as a stranger in order to completely move on from the past, and to actually let him go. But I know that as much as I try to convince myself of that, there is always going to be a small sliver inside that still wishes to hold him close, and to be able to call him my friend.

My therapist told me that your mind and your emotions work closely together in the most mysterious ways, and even though you may not even notice, they fight each other for dominance more than you think. I was told that my emotions usually end up winning, and that's what can cause me to go days without leaving my bed, or what can have me shutting myself away in the studio for weeks on end. She provided me with proper exercises to try and help clear things up when these struggles start to happen, and I know that when I get home tonight I'm going to have to dive into several of them to help overcome the way I'm currently feeling.

Once I collect myself, I slip out of my dress and accessories before pulling on a pair of leggings and some Doc Martens with an oversized black hoodie. I gathered everything that was mine in the dressing room, and walked out to my car, piling it all into the trunk. I've been in LA for a few days now, and yesterday I went ahead and purchased a car since I knew I was going to be here for several months at the very least.

I slide into the driver's seat, and I grasp the wheel as I start towards my new home.

During the car ride, it's like I've resorted back to those days right after Harry left. I don't play any music as I drive, and I feel like I'm just going through the motions until I can curl up under the covers of my bed and try to block out the thoughts bouncing back and forth in my mind.

If my mind was making one thing extremely clear though, it was that LA was going to be even more different than I thought when I left those years ago, and I'm not entirely sure if i'm prepared for that.

[ros3ybabe]

Daily Check-in: April 24, 2024 🎀

Wednesday started out so rough, I had a really bad stress breakdown from the pressure I was putting on myself for the exam I have today (Thursday), but luckily my dad was able to calm me down over the phone and my boyfriend motivated me and encouraged me. I don't feel as stressed out anymore, I know that I know the material and I'll do great! (it's a chemistry exam)

🩷 What I Accomplished:

studied chemistry for a good bit

completed 3 chemistry homework assignments

scheduled a make-up quiz for my psyc class

did the Total Body Pilates video from Blogilates

did the 11 minute Wake Up Yoga from Yoga with Adriene

did my morning skincare and journaling

actually, just did my entire morning routine and felt great about it

shipped off shorts I sold on depop

went to chemistry lecture to review for the exam

went to my virtual appointment with a registered dietitian and set some goals for the next 2 weeks

decided to join a step challenge with my health insurance company to win points (they have some cool things in their points shop, plus extra steps during the day is good for my health!)

washed my laundry

made a brain dump list for the remainder of the week

💞 Good Things That Happened:

I really like the dietitian I met with and have another appointment with her in 2 weeks

I really enjoyed using my new 40oz Simple Modern insulated tumbler cup

didn't let my stress breakdown make me go home, very proud of myself for sticking to my plans

went to sleep early

sold another item on depop!

I felt very reassured that I know the content that is going to be on my upcoming exam

the guy who makes sushi at my campus food court made sushi for me and held it until I went to get it so no one would buy it, i could've cried it was so nice of him

I drank coffee on campus and it didn't hurt my stomach for once!

💔 What Could've Gone Better:

need to put less pressure on myself

had some issues with food after my dietitian appointment (sometimes thinking too much about food can be triggering for me, tbh, but my goals are nutrient based which is helpful!!)

started crying before I went to bed because I was feeling oddly emotional (I think I'm starting my period soon)

had to turn down a work shift because I had too much school stuff and that appointment (I need the money so bad tho)

did not drink near enough water

need to be more patient and gentle with myself

also need to really figure out what's going on with my priorities, I keep struggling to do the things I say I'm going to do which is difficult for me to deal with sometimes

need to remember progress over perfection, 50% is always better then doing 0% of something

💗 Stuff For Thursday

clean my room

listen to a podcast episode

maybe do some more laundry

make a grocery list

clean my bathroom

therapy today over video call

reschedule a morning appointment

chemistry exam tonight

try to ship off the shirt I sold on depop

do some more planning and organizing for my life

that's all for now! Thursdays gonna be good. My exam is gonna go great! I have confidence in myself, and my knowledge and I know I've got this!

til next time lovelies 🩷

💕 Song of The Day: Baddie by IVE

Gotta remind myself of this sometimes <3

[dukeofdune]

Today I think I made a pretty big step in my transition. I have no idea how long this is gonna be but I just wanna get my thoughts out somewhere.

So I've been up since 6, drove to training at the airport 2 hours away and then back. The original plan was to head straight to my therapy appointment since it's off the same highway I use to get home, just a farther exit. But on the way home I was feeling kinda numb and tired and I was gonna be uber early to my appointment so I decided to head home first. I think that decision was important.

Now, instead of being in my flight uniform all fancy masc and hollow I went home and center myself, dressed up a little (it's really alot but AHHHH) in some pants and the first fem shirt I've ever bought from a very femmie / woman's clothing store. On my own might I add! I only got it a few days ago and did NOT think I'd wear it so soon.

Now I'm sitting on a bench waiting for my appointment in 20 minutes. It's pretty, it's beautiful out and I feel so fucking good. Nervous, but good.

The first time I've been out and about seriously fem and not just within my neighborhood. I wanna scream and cry good god.

There's flowers beside me and a bunch of construction which feels very accurate to what I'm doing rn. Pretty (flowers) but changing and building (construction).

I think I realized today that I don't believe in destiny. There have been so many points in my life where I've felt like I've been at a crossroads. Choosing to change school in grade 6, leaving french emersion, the highschool I went to, getting into aviation and leaving home for another city during covid, and today. Today I decided it was better to feel like me than it was to feel comfortable. Fuck. I'm really me today.

After going through a brake up at the beginning of this month (and still kinda going through it still lol), I've done a fuck ton of growing and it HURTS. Like legitimately painful, but I wouldn't be here today if it hadn't happened. So to all the memories that hurt, fuck you, but thank you.

Okay this could go on forever but I love you all and thank you for being such a funny happy place for me. I mean it with my whole heart, thank you💜

[vicekillx]

UPDATE: 2024

Usually I make these kinds of post around New Years, but this year I didn't really have anything to say. But now we're a month in and I definitely do.

I feel…different, this year. In a good way, I think. I feel like I'm tired of being complacent and riding coattails. This month has been a whirlwind of getting my shit in line. So far I:

handled two serious family crises smoothly and picked myself back up quickly from both

called my health insurance (phone calls have historically been an hours-long meltdown-inducing debacle for me) twice to switch my PCP because the previous one was consistently booked 3-6 months out and she just forgot to mention the inhaler I pulled out of my bag to show her at my first appointment so I couldn't get a refill on it or my nebulizer when I had COVID; that's been getting put off since August of last year

made an appointment with said new PCP for Feb 1, and I'm hoping they'll be able to refer me to a dentist and optometrist because I desperately need both

got back into therapy with an autism/ADHD specialist who can help me manage those specifically after my previous therapist didn't understand why I couldn't just Do It™; also have assessments lined up for both to get diagnoses

pay more attention to my health in general, including diet and exercise. I'm already down about 10 lb

restructured my planner to include a mood tracker and sleep tracker, and have been better about staying on top of it

got Trello up and running and so far it's working really well for me

have been doing my house chores more consistently, namely cleaning litter boxes and taking care of my snakes and tarantulas (roommates have been picking up my slack but they shouldn't have to, they're my animals)

am able to work more consistently on my designated work days; before it was a lot of chipping away and putting things off rather than sitting down and making actually decent progress

am finally starting a tattoo sleeve I've wanted for a very, very long time as a belated birthday gift to myself

am consistently filling stream sketch slots, which means I can actually make money and pay my bills on-time (and a huge, huge thank you to everyone who signs up, I'm pretty sure this is the primary reason I've been able to pull myself out of the hole. Financial stability is a hell of a drug)

This year I wanna try really hard to keep the train moving along this track. If things keep going the way they are, I could potentially make some pretty big changes in the not so distant future. Some things I'm brainstorming:

UnholyFans

merch other than stickers (seriously I have so many designs in mind, I just haven't had the drive to work on them or the upfront capital to order inventory)

more monster/demon adoptables

I would really like to collab with some other artists, it's been too fuckin long

website restructure

picking up my side business (I did literally zero pieces for it last year oof), ideally with a rebrand

get back into conventions and try some new crowds: reptile/exotic expos, tattoo conventions, oddities expos, sex conventions, BDSM groups…

push the stream setup to be more professional

rekindling the spark for my personal stories and headworld projects

more I have written down somewhere but can't think of off the top of my head

And to be clear, I'm optimistic, but also a realist. I know from experience that shit changes and I could hit a massive depressive slump in a month or two and be back to where I was for most of last year. I'm still not going to promise anything I'm not confident I can deliver. However, that doesn't mean I shouldn't try.

I already got sidetracked with this post, so I'm gonna make a second to get to my original point and I'll come back and add a link to this one when I do. But suffice to say I want to try - again - to breathe some kind of life back into my SubscribeStar. I have some ideas in mind, but I want to hear yall's opinions on it too.

Watch this space ♥

[baiika]

Give us the Yuzu meta 👀

//I intended to gather actual srcs for this but then Got Lazy because Yuzu isn't one of my muses, so y'all just gonna have to take me at my word. & I won't pretend some of this isn't headcanon, but I do my WORK on this shit so I'm fairly confident in my interpretation.

What really bothers me is people treat Yuzu like a passive maid when the opposite is true. If anything, she's the matriarch of the Kurosaki family. & like, don't get me wrong, she's a very sweet girl who loves her family very much. But I think the difference between a maid & matriarch is decision-making & caretaking (including shit like discipline), which she does.

Starting off, very early on in the manga, while Ichigo is explaining how his sisters responded to Masaki's death, he explains that Yuzu took up the mantle of cooking & cleaning. I think this is where people got the passive maid from, & just haven't dug any deeper than that.

During Hueco Mundo arc, Rukia stays with the Kurosaki family. Instead of staying in secret, Rukia asks the family to stay. During this, it's shown Isshin & Yuzu are the ones who welcome Rukia. If Ichigo had say in this, he could've just had Rukia stay over without Rukia having to invent a sob story. But neither he or Karin are involved in this decision. The only child who is involved is Yuzu. I believe this is evidence that Yuzu has more say in the family affairs than Karin or Ichigo.

I've seen this tidbit around saying that if someone in the family doesn't brush their teeth within a certain amount of time before &/or after eating a meal, they don't eat the next meal. I've had a hell of a time hunting it down though & just don't have the time to continue looking for it for the sake of (checks notes) tunglr rp. While I don't agree with the methodology, this is a common punishment where I'm from, & I can see why she would enforce it based on one of two (or the combination of) two hypotheses.

It could be argued that Yuzu is a very hygienic person & just doesn't want to smell swamp-breath, but I doubt it's the case.

Yuzu being the primary housekeeper would mean she would be more familiar with what groceries are needed. This means she's involved with errands. Additionally, it's common for Japanese kids to run shopping errands entirely unsupervised. A family friend saw it semi-frequently when he visited Japan. I know there have been other observations on it, but again, I won't be sourcing any of this as I usually do out of Sheer Laziness(tm). Point being, the combination of cultural mores & Yuzu's position as cook & housekeeper, it's not a leap of imagination she'd take care of groceries, as well as other errands. It's entirely feasible she has a say in the budget.

(This, of course, contributes evidence to her position as matriarch, but I'm going a slightly different direction with this.)

Now, I'm a homeowner. My husband takes care of the money & bills while I take care of the housekeeping. This works for us because our different brands of neurodivergency give us different strengths. I'm better at manual labor & he's better at smarty-pants things. While I do contribute to the budget, he's the one who draws up the logistics monthly, which means every month, we gotta make room for shit like good works, rainy day, our variety of subscriptions, insurance, doctor, optometry, dental, therapy, & psychiatry appointments, etc, & how we're gonna pull it off in the budget. Sometimes it's by the skin of our teeth!

Isshin is the sole provider of a home of four. Doctors ARE paid a lot, but a lot of people don't understand how much goes into a small business. My father-in-law owns his own lawfirm & in the early years, I've been told that there were times they were in the negative between payroll & business expenses. Whatever Isshin makes is probably stretched pretty thin between himself & three kids. If Yuzu has a hand in the budget, she would have, at minimum, a vague understanding they're cutting it pretty close with bills.

This makes me think that she enforces this rule & rules similar to it so they aren't hemorrhaging money on shit that's easily prevented.

Which brings me to the pinnacle of my point-- if she isn't the matriarch, why isn't Isshin, the patriarch, doing any of this shit?

I haven't examined Isshin closely enough to give answers on his character, so I don't know why. What I do know is given his largely standoffish approach towards parenting his children (I mean, he knows Ichigo is a shinigami, but lets the boy fight hollows at all times of night, despite having a curfew in place), it's given Yuzu the opportunity to fill those shoes following Masaki's death.

[lazydoodlesandfanfic]

Yeah I've not had the best luck with my therapy appointments. I had ny first appointment when I was 12, and so far I've seen 4 therapists at CAMHS + 2 more initial assessors. And, including the 2 people who diagnosed me, 5 more externally, for one off appointments. With those last 3 though, after you remove the hospital assessors who diagnosed me, it was a chain of 3 referring me to 4 who got me an appointment with 5 and now I'm on a wait list and theres not even a guarantee that 5 will be the person I see so I might be on to lucky number 6. It's a really frustrating experience. Because my first 3 people were people I didnt get on with. Both of the first 2 ladies did stuff that made me uncomfy and unable to trust them, the 3rd was a man, and as lovely as he is, I, for no reason i can decipher, get awkward and uncomfortable, which led me to see a 4th person, another lady, who I absolutely loved, but I only got to see her 3 or 4 times before I outgrew the service so it was a huge frustration. And everyone since has been one off appointments to try and get me more help, and I really liked the lady I saw most recently, she was really empathetic and kept apologising for my past experiences and difficulty with getting appointments even though she obviously had nothing to do with it and wasnt to blame and I got accustomed to her and made a connection and shit, but now I'm on a wait list and aside of not knowing when I'll get the appointment, I'll just be assigned to the first available person, meaning it might not be her, meaning another person to get used to. And it's just exhausting, especially because it's hard enough as is.

But yeah, the 4 camhs people came PRE diagnosis so I cant really expect resources from them, but the 5 people after? Never heard a word from them. Only the last lady was like "have you done any of this?" And we were like 'lady idk what you're on about'. So it's really frustrating. I see a lot more awareness campaigns and shit out there now, but I'm not actually more aware as an autistic person. I have to actively seek out information because the doctors just dont tell me/us.

(And holy shit this was so much longer than I meant it to be I am so sorry)

Yeah the mental health resources in this country are extremely lacking. I remember when I first got referred after my first initial session, and it took around 10 months and some pushing to get it. The waiting time is especially bad if the therapist you're given doesn't blend well with you, which is what you've expierienced several times.

Therapy is for everyone, but every therapist isn't. You're not going to get along with everyone, you're just not gonna blend well with some people, and if you can't be comfortable with that person, then you can't open up to them. I got very lucky that the therapist I got immediately blended well with me.

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 2984

PT this morning was just an intake appointment, but i still left forty minutes later sore af because WOW moving my shoulder how it's not supposed to move makes it HURT. who knew?? not me, ig. we scheduled appointments through six weeks, until i go back to the orthopedist next month. until then, i must suffer. then we can get an mri done. then they'll listen to what i have to say. the ligament in my shoulder is loose. i've had doctors acknowledge it verbally and then do nothing besides physical therapy. i can feel it. it fucking hurts. i can't sleep on it. fucking sucks. six years ago when i united my shoulder at work, when it subluxed and bruised the head of the bone, after it was all done and healed and i'd gone for PT, the doctor still said the ligament was kinda loose. well, yes. that's why i have this problem. so fix it, why don't you, and i won't have shoulder pain for the rest of my life. good lord.

anyway.

came back, showered, dressed, went to starbucks, went to work, and was busy like all day. at least i knew going into it i was gonna be busy, so that was fine. when i first went in, i took my meds and i sat down and i tried to get myself organized. kristen came over and so did a student and melissa and i was sitting in my chair, bouncing my leg, talking a mile a minute, and melissa goes, "are you caffeinated?"

i'm like "no, it makes me jittery."

me, thinking: i'm jittery anyway, but ok body

it was funny.

after work i came back and took a nap. i was fuckin exhausted after being up early and having a full day of people.

i napped until about quarter of 8 when i sleepily bumbled out of the room. i stood there as joel made grilled cheese, trying to wake up and decide what i wanted. joel finished up and went downstairs, and i decided i wanted taco bell. so i went and i got some taco bell and my quesadilla was cut the wrong way. which isn't bad, but it's fucking hysterical. and usually it's cut in four pieces, but this bad boy was cut in three. it was so funny to me. it had nacho cheese in it, which is something the other taco bell's in the area don't usually do, so i didn't ask for just shredded cheese. but it was decent. it'll get me off of wanting taco bell for a while.

anyway i got home, i grabbed the cold stuff from the fridge and freezer, grabbed my laundry, and headed downstairs. i threw my laundry in and i went to sit with joel in our space downstairs and we watched a few episodes of white collar which is really great. he likes showing me his usual shows and watching them with me. it makes me happy. i like that he can share things like that with me, that we can do things together. it was a rare night off for him from all other obligations, so it was nice to just be there together.

anyway, my laundry is now all done and folded and i'm in bed and i'm ready to sleep but not to get up early again tomorrow. 8am comes quickly. 7:15 comes moreso.

also my friends at work are planning something for thursday and the only hint i've been given is "sports car." first thing i thought of was driving a sports car which would be sick. second i thought of a delorean, which goes to back to the future because i'm getting older and is my flavor of nerdy, but other than that.

so i don't know and i don't want to know and i still have twelve million things to do. sheesh. can i have another day this week? because yikes.

[groggyaeneator]

vent

I woke up crying again, thinking of all the things we said we were gonna do, all the promises that we never kept.

Part of it feels like it was all a wild dream, you know?

I know it's not.

There's a burn scar on my arm from you, and all of my notebooks are filled to the brim with doodles of you and you and me together. My car is still wrecked from valentines weekend, and theres a burnhole in the seat and an airfreshener danging from the rearview and a little toy snake you got me from the zoo coiled around the shift. There's a therapy appointment booked in my calendar that you had me make, a folder on my computer filled with things I wanted to send you, and knowledge of birds and trees every time I go outside, and my jacket still smells of smoke from the fire we had that I know will fade very soon.

Ever present proof that it wasn't a dream, and yet it's somehow still not enough, because the memories themselves are already fleeting, and I can't knock this feeling that I've just woken up.

I'm starting to forget your face?

I'm very faceblind, I've told you this. Faces only exist in my short term memory. Seeing you every day, you became the first person in my life who I could draw from memory. You became my warm-up muse. But now after just a week apart, I can't recall your features, so I guess that didn't really mean anything, after all.

Part of me feels selfish.

There were times where you were cruel to me. Times when you were cruel to yourself in a way that was exhausting for me to keep up with. You kept talking about how you were dying, how you were going to die. I remember one time, on a very early date, you saw that it made me cry, and you promised me, "It won't be any time soon." But then you got really sick, really fast. And you're so sure it's cancer, and everyone seems to agree and everything seems to line up, that there isn't a doubt in my mind about it. And I know you're scared and I know you're coping. "It won't be any time soon, okay?" you said, reaching for my hand across the table as I failed not to cry.

I want to hold you and tell you it will be okay, even though I know you hate lies. You would have hated me doing that. I feel selfish for wanting to do it anyway, because it would really be for me.

I wish there was more. More evidence you were here. More evidence that you weren't just a dream, some way to ground myself in this reality. I cling to the good memories, silly memories. Getting kicked out of that mall you wanted to skateboard in. You explaining the complex relationship drama of a final fantasy MMO polycule as I laughed my ass off, as I drove you to a trans charity show that ended up just being a bunch of folk punk (that you hated). Sitting in my car as you started getting really loud and heated about metal gear in a way I found so endearing. Gifting you that dog tag and watching your face light up as you wore it non-stop (though I doubt you still, now). That really nice dinner we had in the loop, poking fun at me for getting wine. Going to the zoo as you made some stupid joke about the elephants. Every single zero ultra I bought for you. Tagging all those stop signs. Walking through that park trying to find the tower, and getting lost in a winding trail and going down to the water as you pointed out fish to me.

I'm also bad at memories. I know these will start to fade soon. Many already have, as I realized trying to write that. I just hope they don't fade fast.

It's the broken promises that eat at me most.

You said you wanted to go fishing, and I promised that for you. Just like I promised our shitty apartment we would get together, and the camping trip we would take, and how I would let you cut my hair and do my first shot of HRT. I sang for you, finally, but we never started the voice training that that was supposed to lead into. I never taught you how to play bass, or the music theory I promised. You never taught me how to cook. I never got to drive you around again once my car was back in commission. We were supposed to have a nice day at the park when the weather warmed up, laying on my blanket in the grass and just relaxing. We never finished twin peaks, or dungeon meshi. There were a few shows and games we were going to start together, too, that we never even got a chance at. (I would have loved signalis, and I bet you would have loved durarara.) I didn't get to go through my art process with you. We never did that drawpile together. We were both crafting our own ttrpgs that we were writing eachother into. I never bought you real, living flowers.

Who knows which of those things we would have gotten to anyway, with your health, and my current bind.

It's for the best that things ended. I know that. I cared too much, and ruined myself for it, and you never wanted that for me.

But I'm still being eaten alive, either way.

[keefwho]

December 14 - 2023 Thursday

11:06pm

This morning I decided to do my cleaning before I shower since I wanted to clean the shower and toilet which was a dirty job. This turned out to be great and I'm changing my schedule permanently because of it. After my shower I made an egg and cheese sandwich with my last egg and had a yogurt on the side. I also dropped a yogurt and broke it open. I've been eating big meals lately so I made sure to calibrate this one appropriately like I'm meant to. I was a little bit late to work. At work I cranked out a few sketches for ideas I have listed since I think my first step to solidifying my trello system is to make brief sketches for literally every idea I've written down so I have something substantial to come back to. I finished another commission and we watched the final episode of He Man which didn't end on a cliffhanger. After work I chilled out for a little bit and joined David's server for the first time in a little bit while I finished my finance sheet for 2024. I actually enjoyed being in the call but after lunch it wore off and I left to go to my therapy appointment which was pushed back an hour. Lunch was fish sticks, broccoli with cauliflower, and mac n cheese. Felt like a good meal. The therapy appointment went well, he asked me some good questions and got me thinking a little bit. Its good because whereas I might give up trying to think about a certain topic, I HAVE to formulate an answer for him so I dig deeper than I otherwise might have. After that was over I spent another hour drawing this pic of the mane 5. I was gonna work on my avatar for just a little bit but Trevor invited me to play Lethal Company so I did until Dinner time. Dinner was chicken and fries like always but with ranch. Daisy called while in bed and I played Neopets while we talked. I had to bring up my thoughts about some things and I'm glad I did. After she fell asleep I chilled and did a little something which I've had the urge to do most nights before bed now.

It's hard to describe how I'm feeling. Both optimistic and worried. Because I have direction right now but that doesn't guarantee everything will work out. I'm also worried about Daisy and how she's feeling lately. All I know right now is to stick to my plan and see what happens. I'm actually in some new territory so I have nothing to do but gather intel right now.

[catboykilljoy97]

I'm Tired this week 😴😴

I had an ~eventful~ therapy session, bc going to therapy when you have medical/psychiatric trauma is, uh...yeah, no need to go into detail there. Stress has been making me lose my appetite, which is not a fun combo with a job that has you on your feet all day. I whacked my head on something so now my neck twinges if I hold it wrong. And my roommate has been especially loud lately. So...yeah. I'm tired, I'm cranky, and yesterday after my store shift I bought a frozen pizza and decided to do my website work wrapped in a blanket doing full Sad Boy September mode.

Self pity's great, y'all. Like, unironically. Sometimes you need to sit in a blanket with your pizza and your neckache and just pout for a little while. And then you feel better enough to get up and do the vacuuming.

It hasn't been all Sad Boy September, though. I'm still making a lot of progress on the website work (apparently the work I did last weekend made my dad look *very* good at a meeting with a new client, which felt nice to hear). Now that this is taking off more, and I'm doing actual sites for actual clients who pay real-people money, at some point I'm gonna have to (eek) figure out a business name and basic logo. Marketing, yuck.

I'm trying not to make these "life update" posts too long, so I'll leave it there. Got some appointments I've been avoiding making, that I still need to make some calls for. Still toying with the idea of moving off the west coast (once I eventually get my shit together enough). Minnesota seems top of the list. Anyone here been to Minnesota?

Also, I have not gotten more writing done. I think that goes without saying, lol. Maybe I need a better game plan than "yeah, I'm really gonna try harder this time" (spoiler alert: he was not)

[raincamp]

08 05 2023

shall i talk about the dreaded intake appointment from thursday? the one i spent weeks avoiding? the one that's been the catalyst for my intense feelings of grief and rage for the past month?

uneventful, absolutely nothing happened, there was no fucking justifiable reason why i was so adamantly against it, why i made myself go through so much pain just to avoid doing it. my paranoia got the best of me again

the dude's fine and has made no effort to piss me off so far. he graciously took the third-chair in my treatment team, and refers to my primary therapist as if she's the one he's reporting to— because he is— and i really appreciate his recognition of the hierarchy here.

he said something like "i totally understand that you dont want to be here and you're just here to tick a box so you can get back to work with [primary therapist]," after i expressed my disinterest in his treatment plans. like. thank you for acknowledging the fact that i dont want to work with you, at all, and am here against my will.

he does IFS which I didn't know beforehand, i've actually always wanted to try IFS but prioritized DBT because i know that it works for me already. so im excited to try that? surprisingly? or at least just learn more about it. im a therapy nerd what can i say? i could talk about it for hours. i have talked about it for hours before, i have spent entire sessions talking meta about therapy.

idk why but i was kind of paranoid he would try to replace my PT but he hasnt made any effort to do so. i was able to talk about her, and mention superficially how my relationship with her has been a trigger for my cough dependence cough and like, it was kind of weird talking to a therapist about my sessions with another therapist? but he was totally chill with it, didn't say anything like "maybe you two aren't a good fit" (we are though) like the people at the hospital did. it was refreshing to say the least

hes very Christian though, went to my dad's rival Catholic highschool, has mentioned me doing 12 step, im a bit hesitant to trust for these reasons. he mentioned how he thinks addiction is a lack of spiritual completion or whatever, i think thats total absolute bullshit and i'm gonna tell him that the next session that i don't spend 76% of the time dissociating while he talks

hes a lot more personable than im used to, he started the intake by spending 8 minutes self-disclosing information about himself, which was such a weird experience to me. he told me he has a family and children and a wife, i have literally never had a therapist tell me about their home life before unless it was in context of my treatment.

another thing thats annoying me is lack of admistrative coordination. i was supposed to get emailed an ROI for my PT yesterday (still haven't) and a signed excuse note so that i can actually go to my session with my PT next week, and if I don't get those im fucked. like. i'm actually going to be so mad if his lack of organization prevents me from being able to see her. i am going to stab him.

he also has a lot less boundaries than im used to which i feel like might be a recipe for disaster considering the fact that im borderline. he mentioned in detail how he doesn't like the power imbalance between therapists and clients and how he thinks it should be more like we're on equal ground. he described this visually with his fingers interlacing. and like, i get it, but also, i need that seperation there. i need therapists to recognise that i cannot keep myself from becoming attached, and create that distance between us, and keep those little boundaries stable and reinforced so that i don't get triggered or somehow fuck up the relationship with my symptoms. yk?

like we can have a close therapeutic relationship without making it so that we're on equal ground or enmeshed with each other as per interlacing-finger-visual-description.

the lack of boundaries just worries me. like he just gave me his phone number and was like "text me if you need me" like do you realize that if there ever comes a time that my PT has abandoned me and i need help, you have now opened yourself up to me spam texting and/or splitting on you over the phone? i already abuse my phone coaching privileges and annoy the fuck out of my PT, if there weren't by-the-book boundaries in place with DBT our therapeutic relationship would have gone to shit by now. he also kept me 15 minutes over time even though he had another client after me? if i were that client I would've split on him and left. its giving unprofessionalism.

im definitely going to have to make him set clear boundaries with me, for saving my own dignity.

i dont hate him rn tho i think thats the most important thing

- andrew

[in-all-ways-always]

Dear Love, 8/2/23

How are you? I'm trying to hang in there. It hasn't been a week yet since we said our goodbyes. I miss you beyond anything you can imagine. I fight with everything in me to not reach out to you. Tell you how much I love and miss you. It hurts so much, I'm trying to be strong and do what I need too to get better. It hasn't been easy, i didn't realize how hard it is getting the help you need for your mental health. Appointments just to be seen take weeks, unless you're in a bad crisis and feel at risk, then you'd call a number or go to the emergency or urgent care.

I went to a crisis urgent care mental health clinic today to get myself evaluated and start on medication. I can't sit around and wait weeks for my appointments to come. I had to be in line by 7am because the intake process and evaluation can take a minimum of 4 hours. I was there for about 4 hours, they prescribed me meds, which I now can no longer drink because it can trigger seizures if I do drink, so that sucks. This medication is supposed to help with my depression and anxiety, its also been used to treat adhd, which I need because as it is, I already have such a hard time focusing. I start them tomorrow morning. I have really high hopes that this can work along with therapy sessions.

I miss you much baby, I think about you all the time, so much that each time I close my eyes and sleep, even just a nap, I dream of you. You're all that I've been dreaming about. In my dreams I'm always chasing after you. You're leaving me or I'm trying desperately to find you. I know this break is what's needed, but it feels like a punishment. I never meant to hurt you the way that I did. I think about it throughout the day, I replay it all in my head over and over like a nightmare. This all feels like a bad dream, I keep wishing that that's all that this is, just one bad drawn out dream and that someone is going to wake me up soon. I just want to wake up, please wake me up.

I hope you think about me as often as I think about you. I saw you had reposted that picture that was taken with me on stage with you at Bricks, it wasn't a good picture of you guys at all, you know that it wasn't, but I tell myself that you posted it to show that you were thinking of me. For national GF day you cropped your head from a picture that me and you took, and placed it onto your friends picture, maybe it was just a coincidence that you picked that picture to use, or you were sending me a message. Then you made the video of you wearing the necklace I gave you. I broke down crying watching it, I screen recorded it to keep it forever and watch it on repeat when I needed it.

You saw that I went to the last day of S&F with Nate, it was honestly such a last minute decision. I had been laying on the couch practically since Friday morning when I got home from saying my goodbyes to you. I hadn't showered or taken your shirt off. I told myself I needed to get myself out the house and do something, anything. I had told you once or twice before that I really wanted to see TUI. So I thought to myself "fuck it, might as well find a wristband for that day and just go, maybe I would feel better". So I started looking through comments online to see if anyone was selling a pass for that day. This was before they had posted that Brendan was gonna be back playing on drums that night. I saw Nate had posted that he was going, and I messaged him and told him that I was looking for a pass. Maybe it was fate, maybe going to S&F was what I needed because he told me he had a wristband and if his friend wasn't going to use it, that I could have it, so he told me he'd let me know. I waited and kept looking through comments, the show wasn't sold out, so I could've easily paid full price. Which I was more than willing to do at this point because I couldn't handle another day stuck in this damn house, I was on the verge of losing my mind.

Then TUI posted that rehearsal photo with Brendan about S&F, immediately I sent it to Nate and told him I was gonna cry. He said his friend wasn't going after all and that the wristband was mine, he let my have it for free. I broke down, because it felt like the one good thing I was needing at a time when my whole world felt like it was falling apart all around me. I still feel like it's fallen apart and now I'm trying to put it all back together again. So I tried to be optimistic about the show. Nate dropped the wristband off at my house and I told him I'd be there around 5 or 6. So I got ready, and I left. I got there and I still couldn't get fully excited, I just kept thinking about how much I missed you, if maybe you were actually there, how I should be experiencing this whole thing with you. How being there with Nate wasn't going to be the same like how it is with you. He doesn't look out for me the way that you do, and isn't too concerned about getting separated. I was grateful to had been there, and to Nate for the pass, but all I wanted was you.

TUI was getting ready to start their set, and by that point I was so hot and drenched in sweat from the band before, I took my top off. We were front and center for them to start. I basically had to hold my own their, which you know is not a problem for me. I was having so much fun, but still that thought kept lingering, "you should be here with me." At some point during their second song it was becoming harder to hold my place in front of the stage, all these people stage diving on our side all of a sudden. I started to kinda panic, my only option out of there was to get up and stage dive to the other side. So thats what I did. It was so much fun, and something I wish you could've been there for. My first time and you weren't there for it. I dove in and this big guy caught me, then another guy jumped on top of us. He put me down and I pushed my way to the side because I needed to take a few hits of my inhaler. I noticed others that were stage diving were doing the same, pushing their way to the side or the back to catch their breath, get some air. Once I caught my breath, I tried to make my way to as close as I could to the front. I honestly could've tried harder, I had so much adrenaline in me, I wanted to go and stage dive again. But I decided to just chill where I was. Gosh babe, it was so much fun seeing them, I hate that you couldn't be there with me. You would've loved it.

The show ended, and me and Nate met up center stage. I realized I lost the water bottle you bought when we went to Sick New World and my heart broke. It meant so much to me, I couldn't find it anywhere, I even looked under the stage, it was gone. So we started walking out, I got myself a horchata and they were giving out free jumbo bacon wrapped hot dogs, which I gave the rest to Nate, and I also regret eating because it went right through me. I had saw you went to the Church of Fun show in your stories. I wondered if you were there alone or with someone. Nate had mentioned going earlier in the day after the festival ended. But he was so tired and had to drive back to Fontana, he decided that we shouldn't go. I was still debating if I should. I'd see you, but I'd also risk seeing you with someone else, and I was already still in bad shape. I don't know what that would've done to me. I decided to just go home, I so badly needed to use the restroom so I stopped at the Offbeat. It was so packed for a Sunday. Avi was there, so I decided to stay and chill for a bit. I had one drink, and then decided to head home. I went home, and still felt like I couldn't handle being home, so I went to our spot (B.R). I sat there till about 4 in the morning, in silence, thinking about everything, I'd rewatch my videos and see who else posted about the show. I would look at pictures of you, the videos we made, or videos you sent me. I cried, I miss you.

I hope I can get better soon, I know that it takes time, but I hope that being on these new meds, that it'll help a great deal. I need this to work.

I love you, forever, in all ways, always.

-Your Mija

[moonieshinesims]

Generation One - Chapter Twelve

Now that high school is behind her, River wants to start fresh. She'll be in college soon and her birthday is approaching, which means she'll be a real young lady soon! She agrees to go with Havarti to buy new outfits and get a haircut before her big birthday party.

Things were already getting off to a bad start. As soon as River left the house to go to her therapy appointment, dread set in. She was going to be changing her look, quite drastically probably.

She didn't know if she was ready.

Therapy went well though. She got out some anger and frustration and left feeling a bit less pensive about her upcoming appointment with Havarti.

They met outside of the new thrift shop and boba tea place. Havarti had a great fashion sense, and would pick something out that fit River, she was certain of it, she was just scared how different it was going to be.

While inside, they found a photo booth.

"We have to take pictures!" River said, "Ya know, to commemorate how I look now. What if I forget?"

"How will you forget what you even look like...?" Havarti started to argue, then figured it wasn't worth it. "Ya know, that sounds fun. Let's do it!"

They got into the photo booth and took some funny posed photos. They ended up looking great. Both Havarti and River got copies.

Afterwards, River spent a while going through the clothes racks looking for something that she would be willing to wear. Havarti gave her pointers and told her what was "cool" and what wasn't.

It wasn't as stressful as River thought it would be, but it still wasn't how she'd prefer to spend her time. After they left, they passed by a Shang Simlanese restaurant, and River stopped in her tracks.

Shang Simlanese was one of her favorites! Dumplings, noodles, meat buns... She could taste the food before she'd even stepped foot in the place.

After a delicious meal, they ended up at Havarti's regular salon. River didn't think it was quite fair that Havarti was making her change her look, when Havarti had had the same hairstyle since middle school.

"My dad won't let me change mine! But you have the freedom to do whatever you want! So let's have fun with it."

That scared River.

What was even more unnerving was the fact that Rowan was her stylist.

"How long have you worked here?" River asked pensively.

"Oh, I've been apprenticing since high school, but now that we've graduated, I got a full time position!" Rowan seemed excited, "Do you know what you want done today?"

"No, not really." River shrugged, "Havarti just said I need a new look."

Rowan smiled and it sent shivers down River's spine. She and Rohan, despite being fraternal twins, were spitting images of one another.

"Ugh. I guess I'm gonna have to trust you!" River sat back in the chair and let her have at it.

About 30 minutes later, River looked down to see a mound of hair on the ground. It looked like a whole cat had been cut off her head.

She wasn't entirely sure it was her, but it was new, so she accepted it.

Afterwards Havarti treated her to a facial and a foot massage as well. Even though River had paid for their food earlier, the clothes, haircut, and spa treatment was about five times as expensive.

Havarti told her not to worry about it though. They were best friends, Havarti came from money, and she knew that River needed a re-do after the horrible year she'd had.

About a week later River's mom surprised her by throwing a big birthday party at the outdoor park and theatre in town. She knew her mom was doing something for her birthday, but she didn't realize it was something she would actually enjoy!

Her good friends from school all showed up - Havarti, Cassandra, and Koshari, along with some of her good acquaintances - Johnny and Hilde. Her family was all there too.

They had a white berry cake and grilled hamburgers and hotdogs. They even had s'more stuff to make at the fire pit by the projector screen.

At a certain point that night, after they'd all been talking and joking, while the friends were all standing around the circle, Johnny too the initiative to ask about her experience being kidnapped.

River was in such a good mood, that for once she didn't get emotional or scared when thinking about it. They were her friends and they should know what happened anyways.

"It all started after that party at the factory... I knew I was being followed, or at least I felt like I was..."

"...Turns out, he was at my house! Waiting for me! He drugged me and I passed out. The next thing I knew, I woke up in a cave..."

"...He kept saying that within a weeks time I'd end up in a better place, but I don't know what he meant by that..."

"...Thankfully I was saved by... someone." She didn't want to say it was Ichiban, because that would let everyone know he really was a criminal, even if he wasn't the one who shot Joe.

"But he was shot right in front of me. I didn't have a lot of energy, but I made it out of the cave anyways."

Her friends all looked horrified, even the ones who already knew the story. Thankfully her family wasn't around to hear what she'd said. She never really told them all the details, she didn't want them to have to worry about it.

The party continued on after story time. They ate more food, watched a corny scary movie, and played games.

Once most of her friends starting filing out, along with her family, she was left behind with only Koshari and Johnny. Her mom was concerned about her making it home alone, but she assured her she would be fine.

Johnny, who was usually a goofball, actually felt bad for opening up past wounds.

Talking to Johnny reminded her of talking to Ichiban. Not that they were much alike, although Ichiban was a goofball himself, but just the feeling of being close to a guy made her miss him.

After everyone had officially left she found herself wandering to the pier. The place she first met Ichiban.

She wandered off to the statue of Womp Womp and sighed.

Again, she wasn't sure what the future held in store for her, but she hoped that destiny would bring them together again one day in the future.

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

It is so important to find a good therapist. It truly is.

Personal vent about my therapist moral of the story is if you think something's weird, it is 💀

This dude..

For one, bro like plain doesn't take notes which would be fine if he remembered like... ANYTHING I said. I said I took pills, he asked what kind, I said dph, dude said oh that has alcohol in it then diagnosed me with mild alcohol abuse COMPLETELY UNRELATED TO WHAT TF I JUST EXPLAINED just cause I said I drink on rare occasions. Like mf.. I drink so little you can't even count it against me. It's so few and far between. Single digits per year probably. And I'm around my family when I'm drinking so it's not like they'd let me get blackout drunk anyway. Why diagnose me off of that instead of the fucking addiction that ACTUALLY impacted my life?

But I'm like okay maybe that's a technicality thing that's not fair to him.

So then I keep on coming. Everyday i come in and he has me fill out this depression and anxiety screening form. I think its weird since it's just a screening form and he's already diagnosed me with anxiety and major depressive disorder.. so why are you screening me twice a week.... we've already established that i have it. But what makes it sting is how he sits there and compare the numbers everytime as if that's the end all be all of whether or not I'm still struggling. I swear this one time I marked a few 2s instead of 3s and after scoring a whopping 2 points lower than my previous one, he was all talking bout oh see I think therapy is good for you you're already seeing improvements. Like nigga. Do you understand how mental illness works..? It's a general screening form. That I'm filling out. TWOOOO. TIMES. A. WEEK. If I filled it out like it's printed I'd have the exact same answers every single time. What's the point of screening me that often?

But I'm like okay cool. Maybe that's protocol and I just know from here on I have to do it by the letter. Doesn't matter if it's completely useless atp.

So then he started having me do "meditation" in the beginning that lasts like 10 mins. It gets so aggravating after like 3 but I'm thinking maybe he's dragging it that long cause I'm really seeming restless. So I try to sit completely still and breathe like I'd expect him to want me to. But then he goes on and on and on to the point where Im opening my eyes and just scanning the room atp. Just bored. And dude still got his eyes closed breathing

🥲

He finally just pissed me off today when I said I ghosted all my friends a while ago and haven't spoken to anyone in a while. And dude later gon ask me if I have any non alcoholic friends Ive talked to this week. Like okay. Fuck off. It's not even a thing of you just forgetting after having patient after patient! YOURE JUST NOT LISTENING. I said i ghosted my friends 2 weeks ago WITHINNN this one hour long appointment. Did you really not care to remember that? Did that not ring any alarm bells? And I can't think of a single scenario where it'd be acceptable. If you don't know what ghosting is, ask. If you didn't hear me, ask. If you don't understand why I did it, ask. You don't get to brush past that as a professional. Why am I even here if we're just repeating the same questions over and over again with you only paying attention to the parts that you care to talk about?

AND IM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC

Fuck this dude. I have two more appointments scheduled that I'm not gonna bother to slither out of. I'll say it'll be my strike two and three appointments. If I still feel no different towards him, I won't schedule anymore. I feel like ive given too many chances atp. But at the same point, maybe it really was an off day every other time I've had other paperwork to fill out too which maybe effected the quality of the appointments. I think it's only fair to have a few test appointments lmao. Plus I have a psych evaluation coming up so I don't wanna stop going and have dude take back his referral 💀💀

Wait... damn. I only have the strike three appointment my fucking jobbbbb. Whatever ig. I want to just miss but I'm not gonna bother. I'm gonna bring it up tho. Maybe he'll learn from it and be better for other people

I think that was too fundamental of a problem to come back from. I only have one hour a week to somehow someway stop being angry at him? And to start trusting dude again at that. I still get bitter over my friends bs how tf do I find the positive to make me stick around when it's just some random dude.

Oh well that and the first appointment I had with him?

Dude said talk therapy doesn't usually work for people with long term issues like mine.

I shoulda just took the hint and dipped. Wanted to give dude the benefit of doubt so bad.. 😑

Okay nvm never going back did not realize I wasn't even following my own damn advice. Why was I still gonna give him more chances

[dzpenumbra]

2/3/23

This is a tough one. My cat is still not eating. I tried different foods, I tried cooking her egg whites. She would only eat some mayo and some dental treats, which I have now found out she swallowed whole.

I called the vet to update them. I got a vet tech to call right when they closed. She got me an appointment with another doctor tomorrow morning at 9AM. She said if there were any emergencies, call the ER vet. I asked what constituted an emergency, because... with cats, it's a bit different than dogs, in my experience. Dogs are just easier for me to read. They said vomiting, unsteady on her feet, trouble breathing, stuff like that. So they said "give her the mirtazapine (to stimulate hunger), get her off the gabapentin (might be suppressing hunger) and see where it goes from there". So... I tried to give her the mirtazapine. I have to put on a rubber glove to do it. I got the glove on and went to give it to her and she freaked out and ran and hid in a closet. I felt horrible. I threw the glove out.

I went to my therapy appointment. It was difficult, but good. Went all over the map, but it was insightful as always. As I left the appointment, I ordered takeout. I tried to give my cat her ear med again and succeeded this time, trying to give her treats to make it an easier process. But she was pissed, she ran upstairs to get away. The meds were already in her ear, but I needed to rub them in. So I went after her. And she started making this sound when she was in my bedroom, a sound like she got a piece of cobweb stuck in her mouth when she was hunting bugs. Like smacking her "lips".

I got the ear taken care of and got her downstairs, I went to give her another treat and noticed her mouth was like... foaming. Like bubbles around her mouth. I freaked out and called my mom. I guess it was just salivating from the treats? I gave her another treat and she did the same thing. So I chill a bit, get my food, sit down eat all of it, a TON of food. Then I hear her making noises out of my left ear (I have headphones in). She was puking by the litterbox. Puked up white goo and alll the treats. And I was just like... fuck. I went to clean it up and she ran and hid under the foldable wagon I use to bring packages and stuff to my apartment. She was very upset, tail whipping back and forth and shit.

She's still upset. So I called the ER. I was back and forth on it, but my mom urged me, so I did. I tried to nutshell the situation the best I could. The woman was very nice. She put me on hold. When she came back, she said the doctor she talked to advised that she be brought in for hospitalization, but that she may be okay to wait out the night - assuming this was her kidney disease advancing, which it very well may be. The doctor said they would not wait longer than my 9AM appointment tomorrow.

So... I had to make a tough call. And I decided to play it by ear at home. I really hope I don't regret this decision. I just... okay. If she doesn't have long left, I want her to be happy. So... I want to make a warm atmosphere where she can be loved tonight. Cuddle up in bed and rest. Do the medical stuff tomorrow. If it's not critical. It's not like she got hit by a car or something. Because she really does not like vets, medical stuff, all that. It stresses the fuck out of her. So... if this ends the same way either way... and she doesn't need to go in and get stuck with needles and shit tonight? If she can just rest here and we can do the whole "assess how bad it is" thing tomorrow? I think it's the better call.

And I've been saying she's 14 on here because my vet app keeps saying "your 14 year old cat". Nope. She's 16. Almost 17, actually. So... add in thyroid issues, kidney problems, etc... I'm trying to prepare myself that she may not have much time left. And I don't think anything they're gonna do tonight is going to "fix" her, just buy her time at the price of trauma. So... tomorrow is likely going to be a very intense day full of very hard decisions. But we're going to do our best.

I'm going to shut everything downstairs off and head up to see if she'll just chill in bed with me tonight. She's been upstairs in the bathroom all day. Hopefully we'll both rest well, the night will not be complicated any further, and we'll get some answers tomorrow. I'm very sad, I love her very much and I don't want her to be in pain. She deserves better than the suffering she is going through.