#but a funny one

[marvel-lous-guy]

Tony: who would you say is the most innocent out of us?

Harley: Peter.

Tony: really? Not Capsicle?

Steve: Come on, Tony! It was one time!

Harley: watch this. Hey Peter! What's first base?

Peter: hand holding

Harley: and second base?

Peter: running your hand through their hair

Harley: and third base?

Peter: them seeing you have a panic attack

Tony: yeah, okay, this kid is too innocent for his own good

Clint: I'm gonna tell him

Tony: *repulsers on his hands* DON'T YOU DARE!

[frogaroundandfindout]

Slade tells the titans vandal savage has rounded up some of the titans old enemies and that he’s been hired to stop him (Titans #10)

[fanonical]

to be honest, unless you’re a child soldier apologist, Vriska actually did do nothing wrong

[theraccoonwtf]

Keeper doesn't have a whoopee cushion, or a shock button, but a slimy plastic cockroach that he usually puts on his hand after introducing himself to someone.

[milkshake-and-cream]

NIEYAO MODERN DIVORCE

NMJ: I can't believe you would let this happen!

JGY: Oh please, it's not that big a deal!

NMJ: Not a big deal! You've taken away my little brothers innocence!

JGY: You have clearly never seen his search history. Whatever innocence he may have had was swept away once he learned what porn was.

NMJ: Shut up! I can't believe you would betray my trust like this!

JGY: It was just a movie.

NMJ: A R-RATED MOVIE!

JGY: He's almost eighteen! And the movie wasn't even that bad.

NMJ: Not that bad? A man get's his head cut off! There were orgy's! People were getting murdered in the middle of orgy's!

JGY: Again, his search history is much worse.

NMJ: GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!

[weltato]

Y'know what still makes me laugh about English as a language?

FISH = GHOTI

:)

[schiste-argileux]

should I make. a transformers uquiz

[iwantabatlleaxe]

I ate too much chocolate earlier and now im stuck in the bathroom with my niece calling me asking if I'm "almost done so we can keep drawing" honey im fighting for my life afraid that I am actually lactose intolerant and dont know because my family consumes low lactose stuff im not ready

[desperatepleasures]

one time I used the ben affleck smoking reaction image in the family group chat and my mom replied with the funniest possible response which was: "mommy doesn't know who the guy is???" and that phrase has not left my brain since. I'll see blorbos on my dash that I don't recognize and I'll be like well it seems mommy doesn't know who the guy is.

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Knowledge Revenge.

[butchfalin]

the funniest meltdown ive ever had was in college when i got so overstimulated that i could Not speak, including over text. one of my friends was trying to talk me through it but i was solely using emojis because they were easier than trying to come up with words so he started using primarily emojis as well just to make things feel balanced. this was not the Most effective strategy... until. he tried to ask me "you okay?" but the way he chose to do that was by sending "👉🏼👌🏼❓" and i was so shocked by suddenly being asked if i was dtf that i was like WHAT???? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?????????? and thus was verbal again

[emilnikos]

love it when my friends say "you would do numbers on Tumblr" buddy I am on Tumblr. and the number is 3

[cutiemisu]

ryoko kui: bet

[sunbentshadows]

So, about that outage, huh

[foldingfittedsheets]

Mattresses, unbeknownst to many, are a lot like cars. Every year new ones roll out, they’re always tweaking and innovating and you’ll never find the same one you loved decades ago when buying a new one.

Where I sold mattresses had a three month return or exchange program for this reason. New beds take a while to break in, and they’re a big expense. Your body is used to the old one. So we made sure people were loving it. If a bed got returned we’d take it back, sanitize and clean it, then sell it again on clearance.

To sell these we always had to disclose what clearance meant to customers, and they had to sign that they knew what they were getting. (FYI, not every company is as�� forthright about the used bed situation)

In clearance we had beds that were floor models, we had returns, and more rarely we had old models whose line had been discontinued. These clearance beds were always final sale, so a bed could only be sold twice.

Now, the manager at the store I was working at had realized a vital fact. Clearance beds in the warehouse didn’t sell, especially old models that salespeople weren’t familiar with. And even more especially in odd sizes, like twin extra longs. So he set up a split king on the showroom floor to exhibit clearance beds, pulling all those forgotten twin extra longs out onto the showroom.

Almost all of these were brand new discontinued models. Beds I’d never learned in training were exhumed to be displayed. The manufacturers had moved on to new lines and they’d been left behind. Why would he take such in interest in selling old stock, you might wonder? Because we made double commission on the sales margin of clearance beds, and if we’d had a bed long enough they dropped the cost in the system so it was a fucking cash cow to sell these. Even with huge discounts the commissions were wonderful so it was a win win.

When I got started I was jazzed about this program, I was so on board to sell weird old brand new beds and make a ton of money. I had a wonderful older couple come in, looking for a split king adjustable set. This was a white whale sale.

The current clearance models on the floor were a latex mattress that was brand new despite being of an age to start first grade, and a tempurpedic floor model. The couple laid down and it was like magic. They each loved the bed they’d laid down on. They wanted to buy the whole shebang.

I. Was. Thrilled. I told them about the clearance program and what that meant, and they weren’t bothered in the least. I wrote up the sale then dashed into the back, fizzing with excitement to tell my manager what I’d done.

“You sold the death bed?!” He asked in delight.

I pulled up short, my smile freezing in place. “What…?”

“Didn’t you check the notes?”

I hesitated for a long beat then slowly shook my head. You see, dear reader, all beds had a personal history. Every clearance bed had logs written up by the person who took the return, as well as warehouse crew after sanitizing. It helped us know what to expect when selling them. “Wasn’t it just a floor model? You said it was a floor model…”

He slowly shook his head. I checked the notes.

It turned out, it had been sold as a floor model. The first time. But the company had made an exception and taken it back as a return two months later. Why? Because it’s owner had passed away.

I stared at the computer in horror and my manager shrugged. “They signed the clearance form. Technically it was a floor model.”

“We know for a fact that a man died in that bed!”

“What they don’t know can’t haunt them,” he said philosophically.

The man came back a week later for more sheets, utterly delighted to tell me how well they were sleeping. I clamped my teeth down around the secret of the deathbed, choosing to let them love their new bed without the stigma. Only one person would be haunted by that deathbed, and it was me.

[beepboopappreciation]

Is this anything