#but actually as always there’s more purity and more worth to her process than I first assumed

[xiaq]

Hi, I have a question re:sex and Christianity. Small background: I still go to church, and I still live with my parents even though I'm not much younger than you, because housing is very very expensive where I live (pretty common here, I would say about 2/3 of my friends live with their parents and we are decently privileged kids)

Anyway. How does one get over purity culture? To be clear, I've never been told in church not to have sex, I've never gotten the gendered lessons that you got. But I am terrified of having sex. My first real, multi-year relationship just ended and while there was hand stuff etc, there was never any p in v sex (lol I feel 12). But I still had insane anxiety about being pregnant despite being on bc. And I think its because I know my parents would be so disappointed if I had sex. And if I was pregnant I could imagine all the gossip. And honestly I think im from a pretty open church, b/c one of our previous ministers kids recently got married at 8 months pregnant and lots of church people were at the wedding and supportive and her parents were there and everything.

I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???

(Asking because it seems like you've been pretty open about purity culture/removing yourself from it)

CW for sex talk (again)

How does one get over purity culture?

Oh man. That really is the million-dollar question, huh? Obviously, I can only answer re my personal experiences, and this is something you should talk to a therapist about, but I can tell you how I’ve tackled it with my therapist at least.

Purity culture is, at its core, an ideology that is perpetuated by shame. If you’re indoctrinated into purity culture when you’re a kid, the concepts become baked into the way you construct your identity, your perception of self, and your perception of your sexuality. It’s practically intrinsic, by the time you’re an adult, to feel shame any time you’re reminded you have a body, much less a sexuality.

According to the chapels I sat through every week as a kid, a girl's body could be 3 things: an intentional stumbling block for men, an accidental stumbling block for men, or unnoticeable. Women were to strive for the third option so as to keep their (and their male friends/authority figures) purity intact. After all, if a boy, or even your male teacher, had impure thoughts about you, it was your fault for tempting them (which, holy shit. I still can’t believe that was a thing I bought into for so long. If my 45 yr old grown-ass teacher had impure thoughts because he could see my 12 yr old collarbone, that sure as hell wasn’t my fault. But I digress.) The Only time a woman’s body can be something else, is when she gives it to her husband, at which point she must suddenly flip the switch in her brain that she is now allowed to be a Sexual Being and she must perform Sexual Duties despite living in outright fear of her own body and sexuality for years (decades?) up until this point. Jesus take the wheel.

Purity culture isn’t a thing you can just decide to walk away from if you’ve grown up in it. Because its ideology is insidious and internalized. So first you need to submit to the fact that you’re going to be fucked up about sex. It sounds like you’re there. Second, you need to interrogate what you believe. If you’re leaving religion behind entirely, you’ll approach removing yourself from purity culture differently than if you still identify as a Christian. It sounds like you might be the latter, which meant, for me, separating what’s actually biblical and what’s shitty, contrived, doctrine that I was told is biblical but is actually more political than spiritual. This helps you address the shame issue.

You need to throw away I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Lady in Waiting and all those ridiculous books you read and reread in the hopes of somehow obtaining impossible marriage perfection and look into actual scripture interpreted within its historical context. I could write a book on this, but the TL;DR is that the text of the Bible was written, translated, curated, and changed multiple times over thousands of years by human beings with human biases and, often, personal and/or political agendas. It contradicts itself! Reading it as it is—a flawed historical document—rather than some sort of God-breathed perfect document—is incredibly freeing. When you do, you’ll probably realize that purity culture is bullshit on a spiritual level. Which is a good start, if that matters to you. Because any time you start to feel shame or guilt you can ask yourself: does God actually care if I wear a bikini or touch a dick I’m not married to? Probably not. Wear the bikini. Touch the dick.

The most important therapy session for me was when my therapist asked what I would do if I got to heaven and God was actually the God I’d been raised to fear. What would I do if he condemned me for being bisexual and having premarital sex and becoming educated, for arguing with men, and failing to isolate while menstruating, and wearing mixed fabrics? If Montero had come out at the point, I probably would have said I’d pole dance down to hell. Instead, I said I would spit on heaven’s gates. If a god that cruel and that pointlessly demeaning really exists—a god who would create in me condemned desire—I won't worship him. The good news is, I’m 99% sure he doesn’t exist. At the very least, he isn’t supported by scripture.

Okay. The final thing you need to do is figure out what you actually want, sexually speaking. This bit is probably the hardest. I’m still in the early stages of this myself. You say: “I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???” Bro, I wish I had an easy answer for you. For me, whenever I’m feeling anxious about Sex Things, I tell myself: 1. My God does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 2. My partner does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 3. I do not equate my worth to my sexual habits. It seems silly, but reminding myself of those three things is massively helpful. If, after I’ve sorted through those, I’m still anxious or uncomfortable, I stop doing the thing. I evaluate. Am I overwhelmed and I need to try again some other time? Do I just not like the thing? Sometimes it’s hard to tell. Sometimes you change your mind. Sometimes you just don’t know. That’s why having a partner who you trust and who’s willing to patiently explore your interests (and respect your disinterests) is so important. Half the battle, for me, was having a partner who told me they’d be ok with no sex at all. Because that took the pressure off me. If the bare minimum they need is nothing, then anything more than that is a bonus! Hooray! This is maybe TMI, but let me tell you. I thought I was asexual* right up until I was able to have moderately non-anxious sex. Never in my life did I think I would initiate a sexual situation but… I do now. It’s a fun thing to do with a person I love and, holy shit. I am furious that I nearly missed out on it.

Finally, re birth control: I don’t know how you can approach that fear in a way that works for you. If you don’t want to ever have penetrative sex, that’s fine! If that’s a point of anxiety you can’t get rid of, then don't push yourself to do it. If you find out you like other sex things, do the other sex things! If you don't like doing any sex things, don't do any sex things! Also, have you considered sleeping with people who can’t get you pregnant? Always an option if it’s an option you want to consider. ;)

Okay. I hope this was even a little bit helpful. Sorry if it’s a little convoluted, I typed it up in bursts during my work breaks.

*This is not at all to say that asexuality can be “fixed." Rather, it’s to say that things like purity culture can drastically confuse your sexuality in general. If you’re asexual, then this process is still important to discover what you like/dislike. Then you can be explicit about those necesities and find a partner who’s a good fit (if you want a partner at all, that is).

[amysteriousmessenger]

The rfa + saeran sending nudes to mc

I got you anon!! I hope these are okay! <3 

RFA (+ Saeran and V) sending Reader nudes Headcanons (NSFW)

Yoosung Kim sending Reader nudes Headcanons

Yoosung has literally never taken a nude picture in his life, he gets embarrassed even at the thought of it. It’s not something he would really be into usually, but if you get him really in the mood and send him a couple of pictures first to make him feel more comfortable he might consider sending one or two.

He isn’t really sure what it is you want to see, and he definitely doesn’t feel like he can ask Zen or Seven what he’s supposed to do because they would literally never live it down. He’d also never survive the shame of asking in the first place. 

Yoosung is a little bit self-conscious of his body and doesn’t think particularly highly of himself, so the most you would probably get from him is a picture of his semi-erection bulge through his trousers, maybe with his hand slipping underneath. 

He’s not one for taking pictures of himself but he’s more than happy to see some of you, if you’re willing to send them. He can’t believe how lucky he is that he’s the one you chose to share these photographs with.

Zen/Hyun Ryu sending Reader nudes Headcanons

  Zen? The chance to share another selfie? He’s already on board. It always sits in the back of his mind that he worries the server will get hacked and that the pictures will leak and it could damage his career, but he has faith in Seven’s protection.

He doesn’t even need a reason to take them, he already has a bunch stored. He tries to keep them tasteful, so there’s never really any full cock action, it’ll be concealed with a towel or a well placed shampoo bottle. He has to make sure the lighting hits his body just right to show you all of his best muscles. He has a full length mirror in his bathroom, and by God, he’s going to make use of it. Most of his nudes are post-shower pictures because he thinks he looks particularly good when dripping wet. Well, he is dripping with good looks after all.

He’s also definitely one to get turned on by his own pictures, and his own moans too if you’re having phone sex together. He definitely prefers sending them whilst talking over the phone because he wants to hear your reaction to them and to hear you praising him.

If you wanted a fresh TM picture, you’d be most likely to get one of Zen pulling his grey sweatpants slightly down to reveal his abs, V-line and the top of his pubic hair. He’d also lift his t-shirt up so you could see his abs in the shadows. The lighting would be dark and he would just be lying in bed but*chef’s kiss* it’s still OnlyFans worthy. 

Jaehee Kang sending Reader nudes Headcanons

Jaehee has also never really been one for taking and sending pictures of herself. It makes her rather anxious and she doesn’t really think there’s anything special enough about her body to justify taking a picture of it. Like Zen, she would worry about the pictures somehow getting leaked and damaging her career, but reassures herself that there’s essentially zero chances of that happening and if they did, Seven would make sure that all evidence was destroyed. 

She’s always pleasantly surprised and extremely flustered to receive images from you, but she might need a little coaxing and reassurance in order to send one back.

She’d start simple, with nice pictures of her thighs, maybe her stomach with a little bit of her bra revealed whilst she worked up the confidence to send anything else. 

Even when she is more comfortable, Jaehee doesn’t really take her underwear off for these pictures. So, the most explicit you would get from her is her ass reflected in a mirror in some lingerie that she bought for the two of you to enjoy on her. 

Jumin Han sending Reader nudes Headcanons

As much as Jumin enjoys receiving explicit images from you, telling how much you want and need him, he rarely sends one back. He much prefers to call and hear your voice and tease you saying that you’d have to wait for him to come home before you can have him, and that you deserve a punishment for pulling something like this when he’s at work, especially when you know he has a meeting he’s supposed to be concentrating on right now.

On the occasion that you do get a picture back, it’s a blurry. Barely even visible. You wouldn’t even know it was a concealed erection otherwise. The majority of Jumin’s lewd pictures are of his bulge through his suit trousers, hidden under his desk. 

Whilst he would fuck you in his office, he’s not one for masturbating at work so he’d sooner send you a picture of his clothed erection and tell you what you have to look forward to the second he steps into the penthouse.

Besides, him ignoring his erection now is only going to make it feel even better later when he finally gets his hands on you.

Saeyoung Choi sending Reader nudes Headcanons 

Every time Seven gets a picture from you, he mutters a prayer and kisses his cross, asking forgiveness for the sins he is about to commit. 

Seven’s nudes still have Honey Butter chip crumbs on his trouser leg. Tasteful. Classy. 

He worries about one of the hackers chasing him somehow coming across yours and his nudes, so whilst he Cannot bear to part with your wonderful, blessed, gorgeous images, he’ll keep them on an encrypted floppy disk that only he knows how to gain access to. He is the only one that will ever get to see such photos of you.

He’ll send images similar to Zen, with his V line and pubic hair visible and his hand disappearing beneath his trousers, but the outline of his dick very much visible. 

He’s also very much someone that would want to call you so he could hear you as he was touching himself. Bonus points if you’re putting on a show for him on one of the cameras whilst you’re on the phone with him, because then he gets live action visuals. 

Sometimes he’ll wear his maid outfit and send you pictures of his ass, jut to keep it fresh and remind you that he does have a rather nice ass, if he does say so himself. 

When he’s jerking himself off, he’ll bite onto the hem of his t-shirt so he doesn’t cum on it and revealing his stomach and chest in the process, but it is Quite a few to see him finish on his abdomen, which he would probably send you a photo of before cleaning it up. 

Saeran Choi sending Reader nudes Headcanons (Unknown)

[The only alters I can see actually sending nudes would be Unknown and Suit Saeran, so I’m going to write this with Unknown in mind!]

Out of Saeran’s alters, Unknown is the flirtiest and probably the one who would actually send a nude first once it was established both parties were interested. He’d take the picture from below whilst he was lounging on a chair, so the phone has the upward angle and got to include all the Best TM aspects that he wanted in the picture. 

Unknown would bite at his shirt to reveal his abdomen and to show a devilish flash of a grin. The phone is set to an angel that it’s exactly what someone would see if they were on their knees in front of him, which was entirely intentional on his part.

The photo would cut off above the smile, and his free hand would be resting just next to his bulge, most definitely drawing attention to it. His legs are slightly spread and his tattoo is even more visible than usual.

It wouldn’t be a full nude, but definitely the outline of his cock pushing through the leather trousers and the caption, ‘I bet you want to see more, right?.’

If you sent him a picture back, don’t expect a lot of praise because the only thing you’re going to get back is a ‘heh, not bad’. That means he really liked it.

V/Jihyun Kim sending Reader nudes Headcanons 

V rarely sends his own nudes, but you know what he Would send? Your nudes. He would absolutely send you photographs of lewd polaroids that he had taken over the course of your relationship. To him, that was better than any pornography available and it was the only material that he had any interest in it.

He doesn’t really think he’s anything special or worth taking pictures of, but you on the other hand, he could take a picture of you every minute of every day and it would never be enough.

The closest you would get to a nude from V would be his silhouette looming over the bed that was covered in these pictures, the shadow of his hand over his crotch. 

It would have been creepy if anyone else was to do it, but V was your partner and you thought it was rather hot that he prized and worshipped  your images in such a way. He adored the way the expressions you made, the emotion, the purity and how good you were making one another feel in those photographs. 

[princesssarcastia]

2021 Harry Potter Fanfic Primer

im here to point fingers at the incredible authors that have enabled my new interest in HP content.  im still conflicted and upset about it, tbh, but for now we’re leaning into the curve.  we’re getting out our shovel and finding out just how deep we can make the hole we’re in.  hand in unlovable hand my beloved <3.  anyway, these fics are wonderful, their authors are wonderful, and you should go read their stuff. if there’s a star next to it that means im losing my mind over it and always will be.

Creatively Maladjusted, by elumish on AO3, 101k  (they also have a wonderful writing advice blog on tumblr, @elumish, which I recommend following if you are a writer) 

A very excellent re-telling of harry’s first year at hogwarts if he were sorted into Slytherin, plus some more not!fic or piecemeal re-tellings of his second and part of his third year.  Harry, in this, has a slightly different trauma response to growing up with the Dursley’s.  He’s a bit quieter, and the signs are a bit more obvious to the people around him, and I enjoyed that immensely. 

Honestly, if you’re going to get sucked into something you have absolutely no business getting sucked into, elumish is the way to go, their fic is incredible. their teen wolf fic is also immaculate, if you’re so inclined. 

Dissonance, by ImpishTubist on AO3, 2.5k (@impishtubist on tumblr)

Set during fifth year.  Oblivious!Harry has always been a delightful trope when well executed, and this is well executed.  Plus, some angst between Remus and Harry over what Umbridge has been doing to him.

I would certainly recommend a lot of ImpishTubist’s other hp work on AO3, like Lacuna.

blow us all away, by rexcorvidae on AO3, 23k (@rexcorvidae on tumblr)

In progress (like, updated last week in progress).  Currently in the beginning of Harry’s first year.  Fem!Harry, Indian!Harry.  Hagrid puts Harry in touch with Remus when she has questions about her parents, and they become reluctant, traumatized, angst-ridden pen pals who keep missing each other’s true intentions like ships in the night.  hot DAMN do I love this fic.  there’s hints of the way the dursley’s treat Harry peaking through in her letters, and I appreciated the attention to “hmm, her experience as a girl of indian descent in britain under the thumb of a bunch of white people who like being Normal may not have been gucci”

Definitely comb through the rest of their HP fic, too, I may or may not have gone feral over it.

Where the Heart is, by silver_fish on AO3, 15k (@kohakhearts on tumblr)

Woof.  This one said, “hey, harry was probably SUPER depressed in the summer after fifth year.  like, clinically.  maybe someone should do something about that.”  Fuck yeah.  Then this one said, “that someone was Snape.”  You all know my opinions on Snape; generally, Bad.  But damn if this fic didn’t wholly convince me by the end of it.  I thought it was a very realistic way for Snape to start seeing Harry as a person all on his own, and not a proxy for Snape’s angst over James and Lily, respectively.  The angst is wonderful, the ending is even more so.

*bernie sanders voice* I am once again asking you to read through the rest of the author’s HP fic.  a lot of them have similar themes; there’s actually a great one with Molly that i’m not reccing here, Wonder.

☆Bindings, Bindings, by Quietlemonhush on AO3, 60k (@quietlemonhush on tumblr)

WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS TO YOU HOW MUCH I ENJOYED/AM ENJOYING THIS.  If I had to pick a single fic and say “you, it’s your fault I’m stuck here,” it would be this one.  Anyway Lily in the afterlife is So Very Angry about how Petunia is treating Harry, and how Sirius is rotting in Azkaban, and how Remus is alone, that she literally brings herself back to life and drags James and Regulus with her.  All three of them are there to chew bubblegum and fix everything that went wrong after they died—and would you look at that, they’re all out of bubblegum!  There’s only Fury left.  That inciting premise is very crack, but every moment after that is very much not crack.  Lily and James love harry more than anything, the way a child should be loved; James and Sirius have the epic friendship of a lifetime; Sirius and Remus have staggering amounts of resolved sexual tension and take turns keeping each other in check; Regulus, though he realized that Voldemort and his family were shit before he died, is still unlearning all his racist bullshit and, also, years of trauma.  Actually, they’re all traumatized, but hey: now they have one another again and not a damn one of them seems inclined to let go anytime soon.  Quietlemonhush went, “hey, HP has a lot of Awful people in it, and a lot of Righteous people in it, and many of them are Very, Very Powerful; also, love is the most powerful force in the universe” and i said “hell yes tell me more right now.”  And then they did!

Quietlemonhush writes Sirius/Remus in a way that makes it sooo much fun to devour, so the rest of their HP fic is most certainly worth a look, if that’s your thing.

Rebuilding, by Colubrina on AO3, 113k (@colubrina on tumblr)

Hermione/Draco (*shrug emojis into the abyss* yeah, yeah, like none of us have ever been there before).  Takes place during Hogwarts 8th year, and while the beginning is, IMO, a little unfair to Ron, it gets much better.  Tells the story of Hermione and Draco clearing the air, learning to like each other, having some hormones over each other, and then falling in love.  Also tells the story of Hermione and Theo Nott becoming friends; the story of how every single 7th and 8th year student is fucked to hell by the war and the Carrows; the story of how they start an emotional support group about it and all become friends; and the story of, what the hell do you do with yourself after that kind of trauma?

I’ve been dipping in and out of Colubrina’s HP since before I was even on tumblr; I actually found them in those dark yesteryears when the only fandom interactions I had were on fanfiction.net.  Of such fame as Green Girl, which is an HP fic staple, and has also written a lot of wackier, crackier, and darker things than that.  If you don’t take yourself too seriously, I highly recommend many of their big HP works, though I imagine it’ll press some people’s buttons.  Colubrina’s work really does take up a corner of my mind whenever I’m in an HP mood, and will take up yours if you let it.

☆ all waiting is long, by shuofthewind on AO3, 149k ( @shu-of-the-wind on tumblr)

This is so well written that I can’t stop thinking about it.  It is occupying my mind when I lie awake at night, you know?  It’s one of those.  Hermione messes with something she probably shouldn’t have in Grimmauld Place, so when Sirius is sent through the Veil in the Department of Mysteries, she gets thrust into an alternate universe...in 1975.  Instead of handwaving it away, shuofthewind actually gets into the mechanics of it in a way that makes sense, to emphasize that hermione is never going home.  ever. The world she finds herself is shifted slightly to the left, quite a bit darker, but in a “the author is treating the idea of a society-wide conflict over blood purity much more seriously than JKR ever did” way, not a sensationalist way.  Now, Hermione has to grapple with all her grief at losing everyone she’s ever loved or known, the moral/ethical/magical implications of sharing what she knows about her future in an alternate world, and, you know, a goddamn war with people who want to murder her for being who she is.  This Hermione is smart, and she’s kind, and she’s powerful, and she’s making real friends.  If you hate JKR’s guts I’d go read this right now, because it delivers in all the ways she failed us.  It’s plotty, its got great world-building, and it pulls back the white curtain on the wizarding world to show you that, like real life, it’s multicultural and full of queer people...and the discrimination that comes with both.

shuofthewind write epics, mainly for the MCU, and I’ve read some of them a looooong time ago, so this fic kinda seemed out of left field for me but im SOOOO GLAD it exists.  If you want MCU fic you can sink your teeth into, go for it, but alas, they do not have any more HP fic (.......yet?)

Speak Now [+] Listen Now, by mrsfrizzle on AO3, 33k altogether

Harry reaches out to Remus for support because Umbridge is getting to him with her literal torture.  Remus, being a former professor, former mandatory reporter, person who loves Harry and has since he was born, and all around good man, tells Harry he has to tell someone, or Remus will.  It’s everything any adult looking back on that time in HP canon ever wanted, which is for an actual adult to say “what the fuck, those are literal chidlren” and then do something about it.  Then, a far more dangerous task: Harry trusts Remus enough to go to him about the Dursleys.  Harry and Remus’ relationship develops SO WELL, and there’s a bit of exploration about how Sirius may not exactly be guardian material, because he did in fact spend 12 years of his life getting tortured instead of growing up.  I think I’m actually going to go reread this right now, because it speaks to my id.

they do have some other HP fic which did not appeal to my hyperspecific wants, but may appeal to some of yours.  I think they’re also a published author, there should be a link on their profile page.

chase the stars, by Duskglass on AO3, 101k (@felix-duskglass on tumblr)

When Harry is five years old, a picture of him ends up in the Daily Prophet, and Sirius Black, Terror of Ministry Officials Touring Azkaban everywhere, gets a hold of that issue.  He then, in order: breaks out of Azkaban; crosses the countryside to Surrey; Finds Harry: Kidnaps Harry; Breaks Into Remus’ Apartment; starts processing (or maybe just acknowledging) his trauma from Azkaban, the war, and his childhood; and pines after Remus.  It’s a little plotty, and deals a lot (sometimes through flashbacks) with the specific awful things that happened to Sirius—largely because, after years in the constant presence of Dementors, those are nearly literally the only memories he has left.  It’s a wonder he’s got the strength to love Harry and Remus at all.  But then, maybe it isn’t.

This is a Very Serious Fic, but the rest of Duskglass’s HP work is actually just cracky enough to tickle your funny-bone, while still making you think “okay but why couldn’t we have done that in the first place.”

So!  That’s it for recs, for now.  These are all things I’ve found and read in the last month; if any of y’all are interested in my old HP recs, let me know and I can make a post for that, too.  While I’m still very conflicted about my choice of current fandom, I am not in ANY way conflicted about my taste in fic and authors.  Send these guys some love, read their fic if you’re so inclined, and leave some nice comments at the end of it.

[vintageseawitch]

severus snape was not just a bully he was a literal racist and that did not change over the years unlike other characters' attitudes 🙏🙏🙏 what the fuck how are you pro-snape

hmmm. i feel there's an extremely back-handed compliment here. are you a lurker? are we mutuals? do i follow you or do you follow me? whatever the capacity, it feels silly to ask, but: are you new here? my bio, though novella in length because keeping things in a tiny, succinct packages is not my forte, clearly states at some point that Severus Snape is important enough to me to be mentioned a considerable amount. i'll be very sad if i follow you & enjoy the content you post because tbh this anon is super disappointing. the most common types i tend to receive are snaters who are too cowardly to tell me to my face they have nothing better to do than judge people doing the least harmful thing imaginable: loving/liking/appreciating a controversial, FICTIONAL FUCKING CHARACTER.

"he was a literal racist and that did not change over the years unlike the other characters' attitudes" ummm fucking WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT. what canon evidence do you have for this except your own warped headcanons?? Snape said the word "mudblood" fucking ONCE, as a teenage boy, while getting sexually assaulted by more than one person, in public, with no one there attempting to stop them. then Snape's one friend tries to defend him & Snape snaps something stupid because he was afraid & pissed off & ashamed. don't tell me YOU'VE never said something you're later ashamed of while in a temper or feeling cornered. don't tell me YOU'RE not allowed to make mistakes. that's right, it was a mistake, & he realized immediately so he tried to fix it & in the end his friendship wasn't worth it to her so he was alone, surrounded by people who won't help him, who let some other teenage boys get away with attempted murder, & adults who don't give a shit about him making him ripe for plucking. Snape fucking CRINGES then yells at Phineas Nigellus for calling Hermione that while the trio's on the run & Snape is an unwilling headmaster!!! have you forgotten this???? if anyone is racist it's Molly Weasley for her treatment of Fleur which was never given a legit reason why she behaved the way she did. i don't even want to try to count how many times Draco Malfoy calls Hermione a mudblood; are you harassing people with hateful anons for liking Draco? is he somehow more deserving of a redemption than Severus? if you think that, go fuck yourself.

Severus Snape made a mistake when he was very young. he was alone, traumatized, full of bitterness & anger. he first came over to the side of the light for selfish reasons but then so did Regulus & Narcissa & i never see people attacking THEM. Snape made a mistake & worked to atone for this & for 17 years most take for granted he was the puppet for two megalomaniacal masters, neither of whom gave a damn about his life (Dumbledore was worse in SO many ways). in the end, it seems like snaters feel like no matter what you do, no matter what is in your heart & everything you do to try to make it right, your mistake will always define you & death is all you deserve soduspsjapxjosn FUCK THIS SHIT. FUCK ANYONE WHO BELIEVES THIS.

"Severus Snape was not just a bully" yeah you're right he was also honorable, good-at-heart, brave as fuck, fucking brilliant, & while sharp-edged, was dryly hilarious. also, don't you get tired of this same fucking "argument"?? because Snape wasn't the only bully in canon. Molly Weasley is one. so is Dumbledore. so is Hermione. so is Draco, Crabbe, & Goyle. SO WERE THE MARAUDERS. Peter Pettigrew turned out to be one of the worst; do you ever anonymously bully anyone for liking them if they do? while not counting for taste, if anyone DOES like his character, IT'S NOT. MY FUCKING. BUSINESS. nobody is hurting me for liking that character. i am not hurting YOU for liking a character. it's just easier for you to pull this fucking performative, fake-woke, absolutely repulsive purity-culture enabling bullshit than to speak up about things that fucking ACTUALLY MATTER.

do you want to know some characters i like that are ACTUALLY disturbing/toxic/any negative thing you can think of?? i like Acton from the Doyle & Acton New Scotland Yard book series by Anne Cleeland & he is a LITERAL FUCKING STALKER who plays vigilante & takes advantage of his privilege to get away with his crimes lmao. i like Father Konstantin from the Winternight Trilogy even though (or maybe because of is more accurate) he's a younger, prettier, blonder Frollo from The Hunchback of Notre Dame with his behavior towards Vasya who is very much an Esmeralda parallel. it drew me in immediately, their dynamic in that trilogy; so poisonous & twisted & depraved was his obsession with her but it was so PASSIONATE i couldn't look away. i like Krennic from Rogue One: A Star Wars Story. if you've seen it, he's the smol, angry man who thinks seeing a planet with historical Jedi sites get destroyed by a previously unknown super weapon is BEAUTIFUL. he has no qualms against forcing someone against his will back to helping to build this weapon, even if it meant killing his family.

so there are just a few that i can think of at the moment who are considerably darker than mere shades of grey; do you send hateful anons to people who like Darth Vader? what about Sauron? Morgoth? what if someone likes VOLDEMORT?????? omg (spoiler alert: they exist, & some have created some of the best hp fanart i've seen, but that's not the point right now). do you attack people for liking other morally grey characters like Kylo Ren/Ben Solo or Lestat? snaters are pathetic. if you don't like Snape, that's perfectly fine; it would just be really cool if you can take your toxic, purity culture mentality & if unable to shove it up your ass at least go haunt the places dedicated to bland, rich white boy bully-loving spaces. go on with your horrid belief that all people who are enduring trauma are only allowed to process/handle it in a set way otherwise they are the Worst Person To Exist (or... not, in this instance, seeing as Severus Snape is a FICTIONAL. FUCKING. CHARACTER). do you not realize this says so much to people in your own life who may see some similarities between themselves & a character you believe makes you a superior entity for hating & judging?? do you not give people you care about another chance after making a mistake???

i'd rather continue loving this prickly, snarky asshole than attempt to "earn your good opinion" or some fucking similar codswallop thank you VERY much. cheerio & all that, & i hope you're able to find something to do you enjoy that doesn't involve judging people for things that really don't matter. if you have an issue with what i post you can always unfollow/block me. complicated controversial comfort characters make for better things to think about than fake wokeness. toodles~

[spewagepipe]

Spewage Overflow: Game Design Round-up

I don't have a great history of turning projects that I announce here into any kind of finished product, so I hope I'm not cursing any of these by taking the time to chat about them here – but I've been working with different folks on all sorts of unique RPG designs recently, and I certainly do enjoy gabbing about them. All of the titles below are working names.

Helakia A younger friend of mine expressed interest in designing a game, just for the hell of it, and this has been the result. He's created a black-plague-era dark fantasy S.T.A.L.K.E.R.-style exclusion zone set in a world dominated by an oppressive church. To meet that concept mechanically, I've mashed up PbtA moves and FATE aspects to create a system where there are no fixed stats – just the ever-fluctuating levels of physical health, corrupting mana, and your purity in the eyes of God.

Dissent A long-time friend of mine has been designing and redesigning this tactical RPG for years, always incorporating the latest innovations we come across from different games in the same genre. The latest version is a cyberpunk-fantasy with a BattleTech-style character-builder and Transistor-style powers, all combined with an action-dice system based loosely on the Japanese Dark Souls TTRPG. The effort to actually balance all of that is still ongoing.

Magic-Punk When my D&D group's DM had to put our campaign on hold, I stepped up to run a short Apocalypse World game in the interim. In the process, I convinced her (and the other players), that D&D just isn't worth our time – so she's now designing a new PbtA game based on her setting and our characters! I'm only periodically consulting on this one, but I think the title says it all – it's a D&D-adjacent setting with an emphasis on how the (only recently discovered) presence of arcane magic is creating upheaval in the established order of the world.

Bones of Empire The friend who is making this one originally planned it as a campaign setting for D&D – but since his thematic goals revolve massively around the way that communication, language, translation, deception, and understanding shape the world, I convinced him that he really needed a new system that would actually respect those themes. So it's a fantasy game, but one where you'll visit a dungeon with genuine archaeological intent – and where convincing the right people to help you along the way tends to matter far more than your own raw skills.

Determined My own beast, based on the OSR design goal that the game should test the player's skill, rather than test their character build. To that end, I've eliminated checks and saves entirely – dice rolls still exist, but they're used to establish contextual details, not to resolve actions. Instead, everything the players do resolves like a logic puzzle: actions either succeed perfectly, or they fail because they're impossible.

[ladyloveandjustice]

The Westing Game Chapter 21

The Fourth Bomb

In a wacky misunderstanding, Theo thinks Alice is the bomber and tries to blackmail her with the info so he can borrow her bike (Yes, really. Go big or go home is Theo’s motto) but of course Alice thinks he means he knows ANGELA is the bomber.

And in what might be the most touching moment in the book so far, Alice responds to this by setting off a bomb and writing a thing indicating that she is the bomber in order to throw all suspicion off Angela. She eve loses her trademark braid in the process.

It really is incredibly sweet. Alice is very caustic toward her sister, but this isn’t the first time she’s indicated she’s ride-or-die when it comes down to it (she got rid of the evidence for Angela and warned her not to say anything to the lawyer), and it’s also a very lovely response to Angela’s early sacrifice- where she took the bomb she made to her face rather than have it explode to her sisters. But while Angela’s sacrifice was spur-of-the-moment motivated by guilt and panic as well as love (not that it makes it less meaningful), Alice’s is one she planned out and considered. She had time to consider the consequences. She knew that Angela willingly put herself in this position. But she still chose to take the fall anyway, and set off a bomb after seeing what the same thing did to her sister’s face.

She already feels meaningless to her family in general, and maybe on the surface she feels her standing (with her mother in particular) can’t get any lower. “I’m already the troublemaker, I’m already the unwanted one, I have nothing to lose, but Angela would lose everything” was how she convinced herself. (in addition to being aware as a minor she wouldn’t be punished as harshly, smart girl that she is).

But it’s also clear that Alice DOES long for her mother’s love and approval, and I think she also had to contend with a deep fear that after this action, there’d be no going back for them, that she’d doomed herself to be the ‘bad one’ forever. Yet she still did it.

And the loss of her braid is of course, incredibly significant. Angela said earlier that the braid is her “crutch”- she bases a lot of her personality around it. It was her excuse to spend time with her mother and now her excuse to spend time with Flora, it’s the trademark thing people can pull on and she can then she gets excuse to kick them and get in fights and form connections, it’s how she gets attention and relationships for herself without exposing her own vulnerability. But she sacrificed what little that makes her stand out, what little social currency she has to protect the same sister who she envies for being in the spotlight- because that bond is more important than her jealousy and her need for attention. Just like her sister sacrificed one of the things that bring her adulation- her looks- to protect her. Love is more important than those petty things.

Alice is forced to talk to Judge Ford afterwards and, sharp as ever, Ford guesses that she’s protecting Angela.  This quote especially gets me:

The judge was astounded (…). Angela could not be the bomber, that sweet, pretty thing. Thing? Is that how she regarded the young woman, as a thing? And what had she ever said to her except “I hear you’re getting married, Angela” or “You’re so pretty, Angela”. Had anyone ever asked about her ideas, her hopes, her plans? If I had been treated like that, I’d have used dynamite, not fireworks; no, I would have just walked and kept on going. But Angela was different.

There’s a fascinating theme in this book about being marginalized, and the different ways these marginalized people both are pitted against each other and can overlook even each other while also finding connections and comradery with each other… I think I’ll have to wait until the end to fully get my thesis on the whole thing together, but I really find it interesting and appreciate it. Ford’s struggles as a black woman, Alice being overlooked for not performing femininity (thus envious of Angela despite knowing how shitty she has it), Angela being boxed because everyone wants to mold her as the perfect feminine ideal (thus feeling envious of Alice despite knowing how shitty she has it), Sun feeling out of place as a Chinese immigrant, Hoo knowing he’s looked down upon as a Chinese-American (yet still not considering the pain of his own wife), Chris struggling as a disabled kid, many people who are financially disadvantaged and/or feeling limited to the role of caretaker, Sydelle feeling overlooked in general and appropriating others’ struggles in her bizarre quest to get noticed- it’s all very interesting and pretty deftly handled, especially considering the time period the book was written in. 

And our antagonist is quintessential exploitative Rich White Man (obsessed with American Exceptionalism to boot), though it’s casually mentioned he’s the son of immigrants, an identity he seems to have actively shed, going so far as to change his name (if that’s why he changed it), so there’s even complexity there.

But the thing with Ford here is an interesting demonstration of that. Despite being smart and socially aware and having an even more fraught history of being dismissed and belittled, she didn’t give much thought to Angela and subconsciously went along with the same objectification everyone else does, putting her on a pedestal. (There’s a lot to be said about how Angela’s veneration and perceived “purity” by the others might interact with her whiteness, and how Ford realizing she bought into that narrative subconsciously might feel to her as a black woman, but I’m not really the person to discuss that. Anyway!)

The other important development here is that Alice also finally confesses that she saw Westing the night of his murder but mentions that the Westing she saw didn’t look dead, but asleep and like a wax dummy. This sets off alarm bells for both me and Ford.

So, I think its safe to say my earlier theory Sam Westing isn’t dead is probably true. What of the corpse that was present at the will-reading? I think people would have noticed it was a wax dummy, but a disguised corpse from his coroner friend still makes some sense. So where is Westing now? Considering Barney Northup doesn’t exist, could he be Barney?

But speaking of Westing, if we need further confirmation the man is the scum of the earth, he’s a union buster and he fired Sandy for trying to organize one in the paper plant.

We also learn Ford’s backstory with Westing at last: Her parents were household staff at Westing’s mansion and she grew up there as a result. She played chess with Westing frequently as a child, but not only would he brag and take pride in beating a goddamn pre-teen, he mocked her with racialized insults. She never won, but Westing ended up financing her education (that’s the ‘debt’ she owes him). She believes he did this to get a judge he could control, but has refused to play along, removing herself from any case involving him.

I can’t help but think Westing would have known Ford wouldn’t play ball, though. So he may have had another motive for sending her to school. It could be something even more sinister. Or… in his own twisted way, did he actually like her? He obviously realized she was incredibly intelligent during those matches, even if he sadistically enjoyed mocking her, enough to know she’d do well with an education. Did he play chess with her so much not just because he enjoyed tormenting her, but enjoyed her as a person as well? It obviously does not excuse what a racist sadistic shithead he is, and I’m not saying he’s secretly nice- just that it could be he was incapable of relating to anyone in a healthy way. I actually think sending Ford to school could have just been an extension of his desire to torment her AND the only way he knew that would guarantee he remained important in her life. He didn’t ever plan to cash in on her debt, but knew it would kill her just to BE in his debt, and got pleasure out of that alone. He probably just thought it was funny and it was also a way to guarantee he’d live in her head rent free- and because deep down he knew she was a cool kid, he also wanted that. He didn’t want her to forget him, maybe, which is sick! But much more interesting than simply “he wanted a judge he could manipulate”.

But it’s also worth noting this is Ford’s (perhaps) final chance to win against Westing in the ultimate chess match. And I can’t help but think he is well aware how smart she is, so he invited her here specifically because he knew she could be his undoing, the one who unravels everything. So- if we go with the ‘Westing is seeking atonement’ theory- did he invite her to give her that satisfaction of finally beating him, like he always knew deep down she could? Because he WANTS to be beaten, to be found out and knows she deserves to be the one after all the hell he put her through? Or in the ‘Westing is still a complete monster’ theory- is his intention to torment her one last time, to show her she can’t win against him? (if it is, I think he may well find he’s gravely mistaken there).

I don’t think Westing can truly achieve “redemption” with this “game”, nor am I one to easily believe the Ultimate Shitty Capitalist can change easily, but if one thing can shake someone’s worldview and make them reevaluate how they live their life, the death of their child WOULD be a big one. So “this will actually be Westing’s weird twisted attempt at atonement” is a possibility I just can’t stop thinking about. If it is, it’s kind of funny and incredible he can’t stop being manipulative and traumatizing even when he decides he wants to do something good.

On top of all that, Angela and Sydelle get more clues and finally figure out the ‘America the Beautiful’ connection. God, so much to chew on this chapter! I really fear for these last nine chapters. I might end up writing a novel longer than the actual novel analyzing and recapping them if I’m not careful. But that’s how you know it’s a compelling story, so hats off to Ellen Raskin!

[scottyunfamous]

Heauxtivation 2021

HAPPY MUH FUCKIN’ NEW YEAR, YOU SENSUAL UNICORN FAIRY!

Before we begin:

On 20th December 2020, Instagram updated its terms of service making it difficult for sex positive creators and those who work in the adult industry, including educators (because apparently humans learning about how their body functions is naughty), to operate on the platform. This includes our posts showing up on your feeds less and less, posts being removed, discreetly making followers unfollow our pages (turn on your post notifications btw), accounts getting suspended, our accounts not coming up in searches, shadow banning our accounts and community hashtags, and tighter restrictions on what images and words we’re allowed to use.

When I first caught wind of this, I wasn’t particularly worried as I’ve never suffered at the hands of Instagram (despite creating posts dedicated to dique sucking techniques .it’s here if you want it lol) and I also didn’t want to jump on any hive mind hype in the community until I saw the effects for myself. Regardless, I resolved that it may be in both of our interests (yours and mine) if I stop using Instagram to blog and use my ACTUAL blog instead -MY GENIUS KNOWS NO BOUNDS! LOL

How this helps you: My content is easier for you to find rather than lost in a sea of curated images and I can give more explicit advice…not that my advice was particularly tame, but you get what I mean *holds up an uncensored picture of a vulva *.

How this helps me: I don’t get my account removed.

So this is where we shall convene more often, in the safety of my heaux haven, where the only rule is PRIORITSING YOUR PLEASURE!. I’ll also be sending monthly newsletter updates highlighting any content you may have missed, merch drops, events, giveaways and things like that.

Now that we’ve gotten the serious stuff out of the way, here’s the actual blog post:

My new years resolution is to be an even bigger, fancier heaux. I’m dead serious. That’s really my resolution and as January is my birthday month (Jan 31st) I’m going full steam ahead with this one.

Every year we set the same mundane resolutions: lose weight, learn something new, give up an addiction that is bad for us and something to do with getting rich. While these resolutions are all well and good, they're the ones that usually run out of steam, the same ones we end up setting for ourselves every fucking year like a broken record of failure, torturing ourselves to actually stick it out this time...patiently waiting for when the ‘New year, new me’ hype wears off.

I’m over it. 

I stopped setting resolutions that didn't excite me in 2019 and I urge you to do the same. Set resolutions that don't feel like suffering -plis, 2020 is done. We have suffered enough! Set resolutions that spark joy. Resolutions that make you look forward to sticking them out and elevate you to be more than you thought you were.

 So like I said, my resolution is to be an even bigger, fancier heaux. My resolution for last year was to learn how to pole dance. Thanks to this pandemonium, that never happened and I am still the modest pillar of purity I always was.

In short, being a heaux means being a sexually liberated, sex positive woman who knows her worth and treats herself the way she deserves to be treated so that when others want to experience her, they know there’s levels to this shit. She lives by her own rules, she’s confident and doesn’t seek external validation because she knows she doesn’t need it, she loves herself fiercely (because loving yourself is nothing to feel guilty of) and empowers those around her to do the same.

Here are some of the elements of my resolution that maybe you may want to include in your life this year too:

Self-care everyday because fancy bitches deserve to be pampered.

Exploring my sexuality even further, starting with getting comfortable with experimenting with anal sex. I will provide updates on this.

Building the perfect womb shed week kit so that I am carefree, leak-free, hormonally balanced and still have great skin.

Giving even less fucks and enjoying my life without worrying what anyone thinks.

Adorning my beautiful body with more silk dresses, pretty lingerie, and serving ass and tiddies *sings * ass, ass and tiddies, because it makes me feel powerful to turn when my presence commands attention, plus, you’re only young once. Indulge.

More sensual movement like erotic yoga, a cheeky bit of Zumba so I can live my Latina namesake’s fantasy SHAKIRA SHAKIRA and just move in general coz lockdown has us on our asses a lot. Also if you see me twerking on your timeline, just click like, sit back and enjoy.

Practicing more mindful sex -expect some tantric sex lessons coming up

More beautiful, luxury sex toys in my life because I love being surround by pretty shit.

Living sensually. This means that I want to be present and enjoy the full extent of every experience, even if it’s just a cup of really good coffee.

Read/watch more romances. I’m very over the angry feminist approach. It’s draining finding things to be mad at and men to hate all the time. It’s counterproductive and can put blocks in our healing process. Hella counterproductive. Love is such a big fucking mood so let’s celebrate that and invite more of it into our lives.

Doesn’t all of this sound uplifting and enjoyable? This is your heauxtivation, betch. Take some of mine or set your own fun slutty resolutions.

I’m very much looking forward to helping you guys grow into the best heaux’s that you can be and growing with you. Wishing you all an orgasm-filled, hella sexually confident, extra AF 2021.

[razorblade180]

Rosebud Prep 10

Healing, it’s much harder than must people think. Yet somehow not a complicated process. Ruby had healed before plenty of times. The loss of Pyrrha, the disasters that came from failed missions, the merge of Oscar and Oz; Ruby managed time and time again to learn from these scars. Dustin was different. It felt like she hadn’t learn anything. All this time she refused to look ahead like Oz had been trying to tell her calmly before things got physical. It was bitter pill to swallow but one she needed to take. Things needed to change before it was too late. She needed to start making steps. No one would blame her if they were small steps but that’s not how Ruby Rose operated. Where most people walk, she runs. They run, then Ruby sprints. Ozpin had just help her “sprint” all the way to Menagerie and has feet planted on the first steps leading to Blake’s house.

Ozpin:You sure you don’t want me to walk up with you?

Ruby:I’m sure. This is one of things you have to do alone ya know? It’s just my sister....and her new wife.....that have helped me through think and thin. Including my wedding, which is more than what I can say I did for them. I really hope they yell at me.

Ozpin:Feeling like you need to be punished and deserving punishment are two different things. The guilt you feel is proof enough that the ladder isn’t needed.

Ruby:Or maybe my guilt is the ladder...

So began her very long walk on the average sized stairway. In truth she felt like running away. Yang had a way of always making her feel like a little kid despite their age. Ruby have had to own up to mistakes countless times to her big sister and it never got easier. Apologizing out loud to anyone always made her more emotional than she probably should be. Ruby mentally kicked herself for not practicing what she’d say on the boat ride to Menagerie. Even as the final stone step was conquered, not a thing came to mind.

Ruby:(Sigh, guess I’m winging it. Probably not the best move coming from a leader but oh well.)

“Well look who the cat dragged in? The right family tree but the wrong branch.” Said the elderly voice that immediately caught Ruby’s attention. Her gaze was directed to the front entrance and of Yang’s new home. On the porch was a rocking chair that instantly was recognized; as well as the person in it..

Ruby:Maria?!

Maria:What’s with confused look? I say all you kids are still as sporadic as ever. What are the odds I’d meet you here of all places after all this time and not around Vacou? I only live one town over you know.

Ruby:That’s why I’m confused. Why are in front of Blake’s home? Why are in you in Menagerie in the first place?

Maria:What does it look like I’m doing? House sitting of course! The love birds asked me to keep an eye on it while they went on their honeymoon. They should be back today.

Ruby:(Wow, I really am out of the loop.)

Maria:Didn’t notice I was even gone did you?

Ruby:*scratches head* Well.....

Maria:I suppose it’s only natural. A bag of bones like myself doesn’t believe I’d be at the top of any list of relevance. Especially when more important things like weddings are also being skipped.

Ruby:*frowning*Is that your way of telling me I’ve been dropping the ball? Trust me, I’ve noticed...

Maria:Of course. Why else would you be here? Unless one of your many missions has brought The Storyteller to these pleasant shores? You’ve been busy. Too busy.

Ruby:Oz already told me. I really could do without another lecture. Besides, at least innocent lives are safe.

Maria:Sigh, still a kid I see. Wet behind the ears and all.

Ruby:I’m twenty three and I don’t think I get exactly what you’re implying. If anything I’ve gotten pretty good at being an huntsman.

Maria:For a normal perhaps, but that does not apply to you now does it? When was the last time you looked in a mirror? It’s alarming how dim your eyes have gotten.

Ruby:My eyes?

Maria:See for yourself.

Ruby reaches for her scroll and pulls out the camera. Maria was right. It was faint but the iris of her eyes were different. What once was piercing silver now looked a bit clouded and gray. She didn’t know what to make of it but it was hard not to be concerned now.

Ruby:I had no idea.

Maria:Yeah that’s obvious. I know you’ve never been much of a prissy girl but I would’ve thought you looked in the mirror every so often. Anyway idea why it’s happening.

Ruby:Are you actually asking me or are you quizzing me?

Maria:*smiles* Well it looks like you’ve learned at least one thing from your time with me. I suppose that’s worth a straight forward answer. It’s-

Ruby:My will to preserve life? Yeah, haven’t really had that mindset in awhile. I know that isn’t exactly good but believe me, not like I didn’t try to stay positive. I just.....hoping and being positive has been on short supply.

Maria:.....

Maria:You know it’s rude to call me out and cut me off mid explanation?

Ruby:Was my answer wrong?

Maria:Sigh, no you are right. Your headspace isn’t what it used to be. Sure you’re killing grimm but are you aren’t simply doing it to protect people. You’re venting all the pent up anger and hate inside you. It’s a far cry from what the silver eyes powers are based off of. Though I can’t really blame you for falling off course. Losing a kid harbors more than enough pain to change anyone.

Ruby:Yeah, it is. *holds her chest*

Maria:What’s eating away at you.

Ruby:I want to move forward. To smile like I used to be able to but I can’t see it happening. The pain I experienced isn’t something that will actually go away and I shouldn’t think it will; I understand that. But how am I supposed to laugh and be contempt with life if it doesn’t? Living in a world where I’m happy after all of this seems like a fantasy.

Maria:It really does. Overcoming such turmoil with a smile in the very end sounds like something straight out of a fairytale book. Sounds like your specialty, or did I end up spreading around an inappropriate nickname for you?

Ruby:*Eyes widen* Nickname? Wait, The Storyteller? That was your doing!?

Maria:Why so surprised? Who else could’ve come up with such a brilliant nickname. If it was left up to you then you’d be call the The Grimm Reaper number two.

Ruby:I...*red* I would not.....

Maria:*smiles* Twenty three huh? So young to have done so much already; way more than what I did at that age. Guess that leaves you room to do even more impressive stuff. A name like The Grimm Reaper was always too small for the scope of work you do. Making miracles out of nothing, now that has you written all over it. It’s happened before and it’ll happen again. Those eyes of yours will shine brighter than ever. They believe so too.

“Damn right we do. Right Blake?” “I call her purity for a reason.” Both voices sent a chill down Ruby’s spine. Her ears burning from hearing the two people she waited for standing behind her. There was no time wasted turning around to see Blake and Yang in holding luggage in one hand while the other two held each other’s. The sun had a way of bouncing off their rings and shining broken light around them.

Ruby’s eye marveled at it for a second. It was beautiful. She wondered what it looked like during the exchange. The sour thought made her wince a little before looking at Blake. Her friend smiled at her softly before making Ruby notice Yang by bending her left cat ear up and down. Ruby was scared but eventually looked at Yang. There wasn’t a smile; just a simple stare right at her. Any expression carefully hidden. Ruby’s throat ran dry as silver eyes met lilac. Her mouth opened before immediately closing. Tears started to well up and it began increasingly impossible to maintain eye contact.

Her body shook slightly and Ruby found herself looking away from both of them. The entire time her mind racing in frustration about her behavior and actions. Before she knew it, Yang was right in front of her and cuffed the right side of Ruby’s red face. There eyes met again but it was different this time. A visible look of comfort yet concern was on the blondes face. A dam inside Ruby finally gave way and she started audibly crying. Yang pulled her baby sister into a tight embrace and rubbed the girl’s head.

Ruby:I’m sorry......I’m so sorry.....

Yang:Ssssshhhhh it’s okay. We’re okay; we’ve always been okay.

Ruby:You should be angry with me! Furious even! I....I cut you out. Ignored you during the happiest times of your life because I was angry mine were gone. What kind of little sister does that!?

She was running out of breath yet continued to cry her heart out. Her arm wrapping around Yang like her life depended on it. Wanting to never let go again. Yang did nothing but continued to comfort the girl. Happy to finally see her again.

Yang:How could I be mad at my little sister who was grieving. I was just scared. Scared that I’d never see you try to bounce back from something like this. I’ve always known how to help you with things but with this it was different. I ran out of ideas and all I could do was hope one day something will change; that time itself could heal a problem I had no clue how. That it could give you back to me. *crying* I never lost hope your strength. Ruby I love you.

Ruby:I....I love you too.

Blake:*sniffles* I guess I should tell Weiss the team is all here. She’d be mad if she missed a reunion.

Yang:Hehe *sniffles* No kidding. You are staying for awhile right?

Ruby:*wipping her face* Actually...I was hoping... all of you can come with me to Vale. I think I’ll need the moral support....

Yang:Do you even have to ask? Also....ummm, what’s with your eyes? They are all cloudy or something?

Maria:Wow, noticed it in no time flat. Maybe she should have them.

Ruby:*groans in defeat*

xxxx

First step achieved, or at least half of it. The other half was waiting in Patch under a tree; rubbing a very happy corgi’s belly while his handler tended to the sunflower garden under the evening sun.

Tai:So, any plans for the rest of day while you still have some daylight left? Or are you gonna turn in early like you’ve been doing since you got here.

Jaune:I stay up late sometimes.

Tai:And proceed to watch tv and eat before going back to sleep or rubbing Zwei’s belly. He’s never gonna let you leave if you keep showing him this much attention.

Jaune:It’s calming and what else exactly am I supposed to do?

Tai:Go to a restaurant. A park maybe? I didn’t force you to shave your stubble just so you can watch reruns all day. Take it from me, you only feel worse staying in one place.

Jaune:I know. That’s why I’m not home remember?

Tai:A very good step, but you do know technically you’re still not seeing anything. You just chose to stew in your thoughts with a friend. It’s flattering but the point is to stop stewing all together. Best way to do that, occupy your brain. There’s a movie in town we can go see if you like.

Jaune:....Zwei bark twice if you want me to stay here. Bark once if I should see a movie.

Arf arf!!!!

Jaune:You heard the man.

Tai:He always barks twice. That’s why his name is Zwei.

Jaune:What? No way.

Tai:Zwei bark once if we should feed you table scraps or bark twice if we should start another great war.

Arf Arf!!!!!

Tai:See?

Jaune:Maybe he just craves destruction. Like a war dog, or a hell hound. Are you an agent of chaos little guy?

Zwei gets back on all fours and gives a puppy face that would either tell Jaune that he was completely wrong or an act to cover up sinister intent. The corgi ran onto the knights lap and licked his face before scampering off down the dirt path. Both blonde men looking puzzled for a moment before hearing a shriek of excitement and seeing Zwei raised up by a familiar figure. Jaune stood up and looked closely to see Weiss happily loving the dog.

Weiss:Oh how is my favorite guy in the whole wide world!? Yes you are! Yes you are!

Jaune:Weiss? What is she doing here?

Tai:(I swear that dog has better lady luck than anyone. Even Raven likes him.) I guess his number one fan wanted to drop by and see him. I certainly didn’t call her.

Weiss:*happily humming*

Jaune:Uhh Weiss?

Weiss:Hmm? Oh! *clears throat* Sorry, didn’t see you there hehe. Nice to see as always.

She promptly puts Zwei down and opens up her arms to Jaune. Maybe it was current situation or her mind playing tricks but her friend seemed to move a little faster than normal to share a hug. Weiss couldn’t help but remember how fast she moved at Haven’s inn when Ruby and Yang invited her into a hug a few years ago. This held a similar energy to it. The poor was really going through it right now and she had no problem making the embrace last until he decided to end it.

Weiss:Look at that. You’ve shaved since the wedding. Glad to see you look more rested. I’m gonna be honest though, your hair is getting a bit long don’t you think.

Jaune:I could go back to the crew cut....

Weiss:I will personally destroy every episode pair of scissors if you do that.

Tai:I’ll help! Shaggy looks good on you.

Jaune:No one appreciates experimentation.

Weiss:People do when it works.

Jaune:Did you fly all the way here to judge my looks? I already have Tai trying to take away my jeans and black t-shirts

Tai:Change of clothes help state of mind. I’m trying to get him to brighter colors.

Weiss:First of all, Tai we should talk sometime about colors. Second, Jaune I am here to bring you Beacon. That is all the information I can give you. *grabs his hands* Do you trust me?

Jaune:Even if I didn’t, you’d just drag me there.

Weiss:Yep. Tai you should come along too. I think it might make things even better.

Tai gave a look of integument at the tiny girl that gave the same look back. He needed no convincing or explanation. Call it fatherly instinct but he had a feeling in his gut he knew what might be happening. The man patted the dirt off his hands and stood up ready.

Tai:Looks like we have afternoon plans Jaune. Bark twice if you wanna come too Zwei.

Arf Arf!!!

Jaune:Unbelievable....

Weiss started to pull her friend down the path towards the airship she had arrived in. In a matter of minutes they were inside and taking of. Jaune wasn’t exactly thrilled with how fast he went from enjoying outside to going on an adventure. He wasn’t going to complain though. In truth, after that faithful day, sunsets were something he could live without.

His head swiveled to the cockpit to look outside all the same. He was caught off gaurd to notice the pilot was sporting a pair of black cat ears.

Jaune:Blake?

Blake:Hey Jaune. Nice hair. Needs a slight trim though.

Jaune:Why is everyone- I’ll get around to it...

He felt Tai pat his shoulder in comfort. All those years in a house filled with women and yet even he could hold out for so long before bowing out of any debate. Jaune chose to close his eyes and rest instead. He hadn’t done anything straining for a few weeks yet more often than not he was drained of stamina. It wasn’t a mystery why but it was still shocking to say the least.

This surprise had just started and it was already sapping what energy he had. It didn’t go unnoticed by the others on board. A tired Jaune was a rare sight to see; they wished to keep it that way. Weiss tugged on his arm and the two of them began to lean on each other lightly. She smiled to herself as she felt his body slightly let go of tension.

Jaune:Thanks...

Weiss:No problem. Just rest for now. I’ll tell you when we’re there.

xxxx

The ride was short but nice. Blake hadn’t flown the airship too fast for Jaune to handle and even took a longer route to give him more rest time. It was thoughtful but also a bit wasteful as they all found out when finally landed. Yes he rested, but Jaune never really went to sleep. A moment of reprieve was more accurate. Jaune was the first one to leave the ship and started heading up the street. One by one his friends and family caught up to him and enjoyed the comfortable silence.

Traffic was non existent. There was no clutter of trash or people on the streets. The entire area seemed to be bathed in an orange light for miles. A gust of autumn wind gave slight goosebumps and a familiar feeling of grief. How long would it be before this season once again brought him happiness and not the sight of a helicopter fading away? He doubt he’d find a decent answer. Instead he kept walking towards the giant gate he’d seen so many times with some of the people he still had. That number only grew with each step.

The familiar stone road still sported light posts on each side every few feet. About three fourths of the way there sat his teammates on each side; patently awaiting his arrival. Ren and Nora waited for Jaune to be completely parallel with them before walking along side him. Still nothing was said. Nothing had to be. Jaune could see up ahead was Yang leaning on the gate entrance. Her hands rested in her pocket and a sense of ease radiated from the place she stood. The gap between them closed as they met eye to eye. Jaune’s eyebrow raised in curiosity about this unexpected gathering. They had all met not too long ago for the wedding. Yang gave him a playful punch in the arm along with a smile that could warm the coldest of nights.

Both gates opened behind her and she moved out the way. What came next was something he wanted to hope for but didn’t out of fear of disappointing himself. Pass the gate sat Ruby in the middle of one of the stone walkway openings. She was staring at the statue a little ways away. Jaune tried to open his mouth to finally speak but was denied that immediately. Multiple hands found their way to his back and gently nudged him forward; everyone else stayed behind. He gave one final look at all of them before nodding and walking towards his wife. It only took a seconds before he realized he stood right next to her. Silence broken at last.

Jaune:Why here?

Ruby:This spot. It holds a lot of weight for me. You know why don’t you?

Jaune:Of course I do. We first met here.

Ruby:Did you know this ground was mostly intact after the fall? Barely any of it had to be replaced. I bet I could turn one of these slabs over and still find the tiniest bit of Weiss’s dust from that day.

Jaune:Pretty sure you sneezed it all away.

Ruby:Heh. I really thought that was going to be one of the miserable days of my life. Then I met you. You offered me your hand and then your friendship when I needed it the most. Jaune you turned that day from bleak to dazzling and I’ve never forgotten it; you were there when I felt lonely. *shaking* So when I say I’m truly disgusted that I have not shown the same level of compassion, I meant it.

Jaune:Ru-

Ruby:*crying* Please, I have to say this....

Jaune:....

Ruby:I made a vow to you on our wedding day to be by your side through any adventure because it was our adventure. The two of us are a packaged deal. Best friends, co leaders, husband and wife....yet the moment all hell broke loose, I left you alone. I broke our vow and there will never be a valid excuse for that in my eyes. Both of us lost Dustin yet I didn’t act like it. In no way have I been a good wife.

Her voice started cracking. Ruby rose to her feet and stood facing Jaune. There was no part of hey that was still. Her chest was heavy as she tried to breathe.

Ruby:You deserve better than what I have given you and that’s a fact. I’ve seen first hand what a husband, a father can go through after so much loss with my dad but that didn’t stop me from making a similar mistake. If you could possibly find inside yourself to forgive an idiot like me, then I swear that things will be different or so help me, my name as a huntress might as well burn! First and for most I stand by you as your wife and I-

A gasp escapes her lips as Jaune touches her face. Her tears run down the palm of his hand while his own finally roll down to his chin. Ruby’s hands raise up to meet the one on her face. Her nimble fingers trace it until they feel his wedding band.

Jaune:Can you please stop talking bad about the woman I love? She’s been through enough and I just want to kiss her. My love, is something she’ll never have to doubt. It wouldn’t be much of an adventure of it was easy right?

Her eyes widened before a sudden burst of tears flowed out again. Ruby jumped into his arms like her very soul depended on it. Jaune hoisted her up slightly and together shared a kissed that could only be described as the embodiment of love as they know it. Every bit of pain in them could be felt through it but so could their love. A love that mended the vow Jaune never saw truly broken but merely tested.

Ruby:Don’t ever doubt my love either okay? You’ll always be my home. My knight.

Jaune:As will you. My rose.

Their hands interlocked as shared another embrace. Finally she’d done it. The first step was taken, and she took it with everyone on a simple day. Where the wind felt crisp and the world was bathed in sunset.

Part 9

[ryqoshay]

Tri-Arame: Braided Delight

Primary Pairing Trio: YuuAyuSetsu Words: ~1.7k Rating: G Time Frame: During their 2nd year in high school Story Arc: Stand Alone

Author’s Note: Mainly just setting up some trends and playing with a few headcanons for future scenes. Hopefully it still works as well as a stand alone scene as I believe it does.

“Ne, Yuu-chan.” Ayumu’s voice caught Setsuna’s attention. “Do you think I should change my hairstyle for our next Live?”

Setsuna turned away from where she was contemplating her hidden cache of manga in the clubroom, deciding what to keep readily available and what to hand over to her friends for safe keeping. The other two girls in the room were sitting at the table, the redhead checking her hair in a mirror and the twintailed girl checking something on her phone.

“If you want.” Yuu replied. “I think your current style is cute as it is, but I’m sure whatever style you choose will be cute as well.”

The small pout on Ayumu’s face probably meant that Yuu hadn’t given her the answer she desired, but she didn’t necessarily dislike it either.

“Setsuna-chan” Ayumu turned to the other occupant in the room. “What do you think?”

Wait, she was asking her advice? Setsuna’s mind blanked on an answer. “I’m sorry, what was the question again?”

“Should I try something other than my normal style for our next performance?” Ayumu repeated, pointing to the braided bun she usually wore.

“Hrm…” Setsuna considered. “Well, alternative hairstyles are a trope many fans enjoy.” She pondered aloud. “However, you’ve only appeared in your introduction video and our first live, so it may be a bit early to start changing things up. Perhaps once you’ve performed in a couple more Lives you might consider something different. Maybe for our first photoshoot as a group?”

Ayumu nodded. “I see. That makes sense.”

“Besides, Yuu-san isn’t the only one who thinks your current style is cute.” Setsuna found herself continuing. “I saw many comments about it on your videos so far. To be honest, I’m a little envious of your styling techniques. I figured out loose braids for when I need to be Nana, but I wasn’t able to get them to hold properly at the base of a bun like you.”

“You tried to make a bun like mine?”

Setsuna nodded. “I thought it was cute and tried to emulate it.” The words she had just spoken registered in her mind and she felt a touch of heat gather in her cheeks.

“You think this style is cute?”

“I do.” Cuter than most of the other girls in the club, even Kasumi-san, Setsuna added silently, though probably only as cute as her… Her gaze shifted momentarily.

“Would you like me to show you how to make it?” Ayumu offered.

“Yes, please.” Setsuna replied, a bit quicker than may have been appropriate.

“Alright, come on over and have a seat.” Ayumu stood and motioned to the chair she had just vacated.

“Ah,” Yuu suddenly spoke, staring at her screen “I’ll meet you two in the practice room.” Without further explanation, she stood, grabbed her bag and all but ran out of the room.

If she hadn’t been paying attention, Setsuna would have missed the flash of disappointment Ayumu displayed before returning to her gentle smile as the raven-haired girl sat down.

“Here, hold this so you can watch what I’m doing.” Ayumu handed over the mirror she had been using earlier.

“Thank you.”

Setsuna felt a bit of excitement building up within her. She couldn’t remember the last time someone had worked with her hair. Obviously, she had gone in for the occasional trim, but she didn’t consider herself close to any of the salon employees. Ayumu was a friend, a close friend, and that made a difference Setsuna felt was worth the anticipation.

As soon as Ayumu’s brush made its first pass through Setsuna’s hair, she knew her feelings had been correct. It felt wonderful. So much different than when she did the exact same thing herself. Setsuna felt her shoulders relax and she let out a content sigh.

A giggle came from behind her.

“Ayumu-san?”

“Sorry, Setsuna-chan, it’s just that your reaction there was kind of cute. Yuu-chan reacts pretty much the same way.”

It was then that Setsuna realized that the girl standing behind her could see her face in the mirror.

“Oh, I, uhm, it just felt good to have someone else work with my hair.”

“I know, right?” Ayumu smiled. “That’s part of why Yuu-chan and I often help each other with our hair.” She giggled again. “That and Yuu-chan is bad at remembering to take proper care of her hair. Oh, speaking of that,” she ran her hand through dark strands, causing a delightful sensation to run down Setsuna’s spine “you two have a similar type, but yours is in much better condition. Do you mind if I ask what products you use?”

“Not at all.” Setsuna proceeded to name the brands and types she preferred to use.

“Thanks, I’ll try to remember those the next time Yuu-chan and I are out shopping. Or if you’re with us, maybe you can recommend them? Between the two of us, perhaps we can convince her to take better care of herself.”

“Is Yuu-san really that bad?” Despite asking the question, Setsuna couldn’t say she was surprised by the information.

“Not all the time,” Ayumu admitted “just when she gets hyper-focused on something, like right now, with idols.”

“Well, I cannot blame here there.” Setsuna grinned. “School idols are amazing.”

“Yes, they are.” Ayumu agreed.

“You know, I’m really glad you and Yuu-san spearheaded the reformation of the club.”

“Kasumi-chan probably did more than either of us.”

“Perhaps, though I’ve already spoken to her and expressed my gratitude. But I haven’t really thanked you two for your efforts; Yuu-san for her support and you… how to put it…” Setsuna paused “for being a worthy rival.”

“Eh? Worthy rival? Me?”

“Very much so.” Setsuna chuckled. “I loved your first Live and look forward to what you bring to the stage next time. The others were great too, but there’s a certain… purity to your performance that the other just don’t have, myself included. You’re helping me realize that there is more to being a school idol than I first thought. A lot more. But it’s a wonderful learning experience.”

Ayumu was quite for a moment, just long enough for Setsuna to start worrying if she had said something wrong. Or said to much, again.

“Thank you.” The redhead finally murmured.

Setsuna could see in the mirror that pink was beginning to dust the other girl’s cheeks. It was a somewhat similar reaction to Yuu’s compliments. And for some reason that made Setsuna feel good.

“Anyway, you’re all set.” Ayumu’s voice returned to normal. “How does that look?”

Wait, she was done already? Setsuna realized she had been so focused on the conversation and how much she was enjoying Ayumu working with her hair that she hadn’t paid attention to the process. She quickly glanced in the mirror at her new style.

“It looks good. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Think you can do it yourself?”

“Oh, uhm…” Quick, think of something “I actually learn best by doing…”

“Do you want me to guide you through doing it on the other side?” Ayumu offered.

“Yes, please.” Thank goodness.

“Ayumu! Setsuna-chan!” Yuu’s attention homed in on the two girls entering the room.

“Senpai, wait!” Kasumi’s call fell on deaf ears as the twin-tailed girl ran over.

“You two look soo~ cute!” Yuu practically squealed. “I love it! Oh, what’s this?” Her hand found the braided tail off one of Setsuna’s buns.

“Since Setsuna-chan has longer hair than I do, I thought we might try to get a little fancy.” Ayumu explained.

“We?”

“Ayumu-san is a good teacher.” Setsuna stated proudly. “While I can’t say I’m completely confident that I could do it perfectly on my own right now, I think I could practice enough with what she’s taught me so far that I could eventually make one as good as hers.”

“Ah, I see.” Yuu laughed. “Or you could just have her do it again for you.”

“Huh?”

“Ayumu taught me how to dye my hair like this.” She brushed at the end of one of her side tails for emphasis. “But I still like it better when she does it.”

“Well,” Ayumu spoke up “there was also the time you…”

“Ayumu~!” Yuu interrupted with a whine. “That’s supposed to be secret!”

“Sorry, sorry.” Ayumu couldn’t help sticking out her tongue a bit as she didn’t feel particularly apologetic. It was fair to turn the tables on the teasing every so often after all.

“Oh, idea!” Yuu quickly returned to her former excitement. “You should teach me how to make that style as well, then I could help you with it!” She bounced on the balls of her feet. “And then if I learn other styles, I could help all of you guys, or anyone that needed help before Lives and photoshoots and stuff.”

For some reason, Ayumu felt a tiny flash of disappointment that Yuu didn’t mention styling her own hair. Granted, her childhood friend had worn twin tails almost the entire time they had known each other, so she was fairly set in her ways. But Ayumu couldn’t help imagining what Yuu might look like wearing different styles.

Setsuna, on the other hand… The raven-haired girl seemed much more open to the idea of different, or alternate as she called them, hairstyles. Perhaps Ayumu could test a few ideas on her…

“That’s a wonderful idea, Yuu-san.” Setsuna’s voice brought Ayumu back to reality. “I love how you’re always looking for new ways to support us.”

“What do you think, Ayumu?” Yuu asked, her gaze not having left the redhead.

Ayumu nodded. “I agree that it’s good idea. And I will help where I can.”

“Awesome!” Yuu cheered. “Now let’s get to practice!” She grabbed the other two girls’ hands and dragged them into the room.

As she and Setsuna followed their energetic friend, Ayumu stole a glance over. She’d done quite a nice job. Twin braided buns suited Setsuna surprisingly well. She watched as several other club members turned their attention to them and offered their commentary. Setsuna was the target of most of the praise, but that was fine; the passionate idol handled such things far better than Ayumu anyway, what with her contagious smile and all.

Even as she deferred the compliments that did make it her way, Ayumu was still happy that something as simple as a couple hair buns could earn such a positive reaction from her friends. Yes, Ayumu was confident that she needed to style Setsuna’s hair again. Soon.

Author’s Notes Continued in Followup Post

[alsbesluit]

unlucky

   For Katie, it was a matter of hearing the same story over and over again. She was a naturally patient and understanding person - she understood that sometimes people needed more time to process and put things into words, and people should be given time - but she was reaching her limit for this particular thing. Her parents, her grandfather, her cousin and now even one or two of her friends all said the same thing. Leanne, her best friend, always tried to remind her that people meant well and always wanted the best for her. Lee, bless him, always wrinkled his nose and said that ‘the road to hell was paved with good intentions as well, Lea’ before smirking. She was inclined to side with Lee on this one. 

  That evening, she found herself in the same discussion again. The Three Broomsticks was usually crowded for a Friday evening, but Leanne, Nicholas, Lee and herself had gotten a table and Lee had went to get them all butterbeer. It’d been a pleasant evening away from her job as a Healer and with her friends, at least until Nicholas announced he’d gone to see their grandfather the week prior and he’d asked about both their lovelifes.    “Oh, Merlin, why,” Katie had muttered under her breath, faintly exasperated. Her cousin has a very steady nine-to-five weekday job at the Ministry and was therefore much more able to see family last-minute, whereas Katie and her irregular shifts at St. Mungo’s had to submit free days a week beforehand so someone else could cover her shift. Nicholas understood as much, always send her regards to his parents and their grandfather, but in turn also always let her know what their grandfather had said now.   “Katherine, what kind of language is that,” her roommate Lee responded, fake-shocked, and laughed afterwards. “Let me take a very educated guess. Your grandfather Nicholas would like to know if his favourite granddaughter Katherine here has yet found the man she wants to wed and bed.” Lee did always have a way with words, an ability that had not in any way lessened after school even if he was no longer using his abilities for quidditch commentary.   Nicholas had the audacity to chuckle at the face Katie pulled. “Actually,” Nick started, “grandfather said that if it was a girl Katie was seeing, he would be fine with that as well. He wants her to be happy very badly. He also really wants her to wear grandmother’s veil when she walks down the isle to her future intended.”  “Come on, Kate, isn’t that the loveliest thing,” Leanne said immediately. “He wants good things for you. He wants you to be happy, even if you want to be happy with a girl.”   It was the loveliest thing, of course. It was very sweet of his grandfather to want to give her the veil that her grandmother had used as well. They weren’t the type of family that had heirlooms, nowhere near rich enough for that despite of being a pureblood family, but their wedding traditions were second to none. It was easy enough to adhere to them seeing as the family asked little of them otherwise, but the entire situation made Katie’s head spin.   “I’m not in love with a girl,” Katie said before she took a sip of her butterbeer. “I just don’t see the point of dating. I don’t want to date. I want to spend the free time I have with my friends. I’m not looking for a relationship right now.” Nick and Lee exchanged a change that she did not like. “What are you two thinking?”    That only made Lee laugh again before he responsed. “Historically,” he started, and Katie felt an anekdote coming. In front of her, Nick seemed to settle in for the story. Even he knew Lee’s cues, and they only knew each other for a couple of years now. “When anyone, boy or girl or non-binary person, says that ‘they’re not looking for a relationship’ or ‘they want to focus on their career’ or ‘spending time with friends is more important’ they tend to walk right into a person that they like and will end up in a relationship. It’s reverse karma, and it always happens.”   “No, it doesn’t,” Katie replied. “There is no way. No amount of magic could make that work.”   Leanne grinned. “I don’t think that could happen all the time, Lee,” she said. “But I do like the idea of that, honestly, even if it would be very inconvenient for Katie right now. She’s so busy at the hospital that she can hardly find the time to come and see us.”   “She’s not wrong,” Katie pointed out. “I don’t have the time. Even if I did find someone that I liked enough to go on another date with, it wouldn’t happen. Besides, I think I’d prefer dating a muggle over a wizard. It’s a lot less complicated. There’s no discussion about blood purity and politics and wizarding wars.” Katie was an unapologetic supporter of Harry, something that not everyone liked, even if she wasn’t particularly outspoken about it. She didn’t see how someone couldn’t support the person who ended You-Know-Who’s reign over the British Wizarding World.    “Did you ever date someone that you actually clashed with over politics?” Nick asked, eyebrows frowning as he clearly tried to imagine it. “I don’t think that’s possible. You’re so accepting.”   “Well, it is possible,” Lee said with a smirk. “Once, there was this guy, and -”   “Lee,” Katie interrupted him to stop him. “Not all stories have to be told. Yes, I once did. It really helped me decide to stop dating for the foreseeable future, and that’s what I’m doing.”   She saw Leanne and Lee exchange a glance then, and frowned at her best friend and roommate. After a short pause, it was Lee that spoke. “We love you, Katie, but we think that you’re hiding behind your work after your last disaster of a relationship.” The words were blunt and made Katie glare at him. “You’re a wonderful person and tons of guys would be very happy to date you. One rotten apple in the bunch doesn’t change that. You shouldn’t have to hide yourself or try to shield yourself from that sort of connection.”   “I know that,” Katie replied, voice soft, face expression dejected. “But I don’t think I have it in me. I don’t know if I have the guts. The war reminded me that not everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt and that there are loads of bad people out there. I’m scared to put myself out there only to be disappointed again, or worse.” And that was also why it would be much easier to date a muggle than a wizard, she felt. Muggles seemed kinder somehow, even if she knew all too well that muggles could be bad people as well. They were bad people without magic to help it along, though.    Leanne reached out to touch her hand and smiled. “How you feel is always valid, Katie,” she said reassuringly. “I understand that it’s scary to open yourself up to new experiences. But it could be worth it as well, and you could be missing out.”    “Speaking of which,” Lee added to that with a smirk, “Leanne and me found this ad in a muggle newspaper about speed-dating and we signed you up. Of course you don’t have to go, but it’s very no strings attached and if you don’t like it or the men you meet you never have to see them again. If you wanted to try again, this is an opportunity.”   Katie looked up at Nick, who had been listening to the conversation. “It’s your decision,” he said. “They’re muggles. If worst comes to worst, you can use your magic and reach out to the Obliviators department. And best case scenario you can use that veil that grandfather keeps talking about in a couple of years. Nothing wrong with taking a chance, Kate.”   That settled the matter, for her friends were right. She could be missing out, and she was hiding behind her work. She did it so well that she started to believe it at some point. “I’ll do it,” she said. “But if it doesn’t go well, I’d really rather not talk about it much for a while afterwards.”  Lee smiled. “Noted,” he said. “You’ll be great. All the speed-date guys will be lining up for you when you get to decide who you want to see again, if anyone. You’ll see.”    Katie doubted that, but she laughed anyway. Lee left to get another round, and Nick asked Leanne about her job, leaving her alone with her thoughts for a minute. She concluded that she was glad her friends tried to get her out of her comfort zone, and that perhaps they were right about dating. She’d been unlucky before. She could be lucky now.

[coffee-obsessed-writer]

When You Least Expect It: Part Three

Part One | Part Two | Part Three

Jensen x Musician!Reader

A/N: This is a slow burn fic that I have been working on for a while. Its a story I wrote for myself and just wanted to share with everyone. Yes, the “Dee” in the story is who you think, but there is no intended hate on her or their actual marriage. It is a work of fiction, that is all. Part three is from Jensen’s POV. There is also a playlist to go along with the series. 

Series Playlist: “When You Least Expect It” (Spotify)

Series Summary: After a hard breakup, Jensen decides to throw himself into organizing a Music Festival in Austin that is meant to raise money for a few of his most cherished charities and organizations. As he throws himself into planning it, he stumbles upon a spirited, undiscovered performer, who he convinces to come aboard to help plan and coordinate the event with him. What transpires after that takes both Jensen and his new friend, by surprise. But when their respective pasts come back just before the event kicks off in Austin, they will both have to decide if the unexpected feelings are worth perusing, or if they should just walk away and go on with their lives.

Series Warnings: Language, Break-Ups, Angst, Fluff, Smut (that’s it for now)

WC: 3.5K 

*Banner created by me; pics & gifs found online

Jensen was fucking cold.

He didn’t start feeling the chill set into his bones until they made their way back up the beach towards where he left his car. They chatted casually on the walk back, mostly about the festival, and Austin itself, but when they reached her front door he found it hard to say goodbye. Unless he was mistaken, he got the vibe that maybe she didn’t want too, either.

They stood outside her door for another three or four minutes and she finally noticed his body trembling.

“Hey, why don’t you come inside? After all, it is my fault that you’re shivering. I think I have some clothes here that may fit you alright since you’re completely soaked through.”

“It’s fine. I’ll make it back to the hotel alright,” he said through chattering teeth.

“Nonsense, come on. Besides, we’re going to be spending a lot of time together over the next year. Might as well start getting used to you being around all the time.” She winked and unlocked the front door.

Stepping into her bungalow, he felt instantly comfortable in her space. The furniture was older, but it was still in decent shape and very cozy. The couch was draped in oversized fleece blankets with a few plush throw pillows. There were nautical decorations, pictures of fishing boats all over the walls, and even the curtains covering the small kitchen window bore anchors and sailboats. A small hallway divided the room, separating the living room from the eat-in kitchen that led to the bedrooms and single bathroom.

“Cute place,” he said after looking around. “Not exactly what I would have imagined your taste to be.”

She laughed. “Not my taste, at all. This was my dad’s house, long before it was mine. I just never wanted to change it after he passed.”

“Oh,” Jensen replied, “I’m sorry.”

“Thanks. It was a long time ago, but, thanks…” she trailed off for a moment but came back around. “Let me get you those clothes so do you don’t develop pneumonia on my watch.”

Y/N disappeared down the hallway, and Jensen took the time to really look at the pictures that lined the walls. He saw a small girl, and boy slightly older standing with a man in his forties on the dock. Beside them was a fifty-plus foot fishing boat.

“That’s him,” she said upon her return and pointed to the man in the photo. “That’s my dad, Monty, and that was his boat, Song of the Sea.”

“Cool name. That’s you, then?” he asked, pointing to the girl beside Monty.

“Yep, that’s me, and that’s my brother Dave.”

“Is he a fisherman, too?”

“Nope. He’s a dickhead. I don’t know what he does for a living now. We haven’t talked in years.”

“Oh…”

“Clothes,” she said and handed them out to him. “If you’re hungry I have some leftover pizza in the fridge I can warm up. It’s from Saw Mill.”

“I am down for some pizza,” he smiled, feeling quite content with the direction the evening took, despite his dip in the ocean. “Is there a place I could change?”

“Yeah, down the hall, last door on the left.”

Jensen found the bathroom and stripped out of his clothes. The room was blessedly warm, allowing his skin to unfreeze the moment the wet clothes had been removed. He borrowed one of the towels that had been hanging on the back of the door and used it to dry his hair. Once he had on the fresh set of clothes, he paused and looked at his reflection in the mirror. It was the first chance he had to be alone with his own thoughts since arriving at the Bamboo, and as his own green eyes stared back he didn’t know where to begin processing it all.

Twenty-four hours ago he was laying in his hotel bed, dreaming about some mystery girl, and now he was standing in her house, about to gnaw on some pizza and discuss how she’s going to be working with him over the course of the next year.

Are you out of your fucking mind? He silently asked his reflection. He decided he must be, but he also decided that he didn’t necessarily care. When he searched his genuine feelings, the ones he kept very close to the vest, he was happy. He felt good about making her the offer and even better that she accepted it. The other ones, the tangled mess of clingy, fawning emotions that bubbled so close to the surface were the ones he didn’t want.

You can get to know her, be her friend, without it turning to sex. Certainly, no feelings. This is work. She’s smart and creative and will be an asset to the team bringing this to life, he said to himself, almost like a mantra.

Then, out loud. “It can’t be anything more… It. can’t. Whatever you think you feel… you don’t. It's just--”

A soft knock at the door interrupted his train of thought. “Yeah?”

“Sorry, I just wanted to see if you wanted a beer with your pizza. I have water and some apple juice, or--”

“A beer sounds great,” he replied. “Be out in a minute.”

It was quiet again, and he assumed she must have walked away. Remembering their earlier exchange on the word, he didn’t want to take the chance she would hear him. One beer, one slice of pizza, then back to the hotel and tomorrow back to Vancouver. You got this, his inner voice promised himself.

Two beers and two slices later, Jensen was sitting criss-cross applesauce on Y/N’s floor, with her next to him and a photo album depicting her years in drama club productions in front of them.

“Oh, this one,” she started and pulled it from its plastic sleeve pausing to look at it long enough for one of those soft, reflective smiles to touch her lips. “This is from when we did Grease.”

“That’s you there?”

“Yup. I was the understudy for Sandy. The lead they cast was a healthy specimen, so I got to play one of the Pink Ladies instead.”

“I bet you would have made a kick-ass Sandy,” he teased and took a closer look at the picture.

She snatched it from his fingers and returned it to the album. “Nah, I was way too wild to be Sandy. The girl they cast was purity defined. She did a great job. Frenchie, maybe, or Rizzo… I could have pulled off Rizzo.”

“Now we’re talking. Rizzo, she was my favorite. I always had a thing for the bad girls,” he mused with a devilish grin before finishing off his second beer.

“Want another?” Y/N asked and got up from the floor.

Jensen considered it and waved her off. “Nah, I should probably get back to the hotel.”

“Right…” she mumbled and opened the fridge to grab herself another beer. “I mean, it's after two. If you wanna crash in the spare bedroom, it's open.”

“You’d be okay with that?” He watched her reaction closely. Yes, they had grown close in the day they spent together, and he was oddly comfortable with the idea of crashing at her place. But he didn’t want to seem as if he was continually pushing himself on her.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t have offered if I wasn’t.”

“Not sick of me yet?”

“I was sick of you after you spilled the tea all over the table. But,” she paused to shrug and grab a second beer from the fridge. She handed it to him and continued, “now, I dunno, I’m kinda used to ya.”

“Alright, sleepover it is,” he chuckled and sipped at his beer.

He liked Y/N, a lot. Physical attraction aside, she was someone he enjoyed spending time with. She made things easy; the business talk, the ‘get-to-know-you’ banter, all of it. Y/N made just sitting on her floor looking at old pictures fun, and that wasn’t something he’d had much of in his life, as of late. All the drama, and push ‘n pull with Dee has sucked him dry. Fun and easy going hadn't been on his radar in a damn long time.

Jensen was growing more than a little curious about her. She was a mystifying puzzle that he felt compelled to put together so he could see the whole picture of who she was. Yet, he also knew that it wouldn’t be an easy task. Y/N didn’t strike him as the kind of girl that would give away all her secrets or feelings to just anyone. He was going to have to work on it, but if their day together so far had been an indication of her willingness to one day let him in, he felt pretty confident that they could be really good friends.

“So, I gotta ask…” he started, not exactly hesitant on asking, but on how to ask what he wanted to know. “Earlier, when you dared me to polar plunge… why add the song in?”

“Joy to the World?”

“Yeah.”

Y/N closed the album and drew in a subtle and slow deep breath, drawing her knees up into her chest then taking time to consider how to respond. In the quiet of the room, she found Jensen’s eyes and held on to them. He saw hers growing damp at the corners and watched her ignore the one, lone tear that slid down her cheek.

“When I was a kid, I had a bunch of phobias. Some were normal, some, not so much. It got really bad after a while, and my dad tried everything to help me. One day, we were going to the market, and for some reason I was so, so scared to go in. It was summer vacation, and I was gawky and awkward. A bunch of Bennies were hanging out in front and I was petrified to walk past them,” she saw the confusion on his face and clarified. “Bennies are what locals here call the people that come here for the summer.”

Jensen nodded in understanding and then unknowingly mimicked her position and rested his chin on his knees as he listened on.

“Anyway, he said to me… ‘they aren’t going to say a word. I promise’. I said that I didn’t believe him. Trust was scarce in those days. My mom had just left, and everything was upside down. So I even had trouble trusting my dad, the one person I loved more than anyone in the world. He said, ‘Y/N, I’ll bet you anything they don’t’. We finally came to the arrangement that if I was wrong and he was right, then I had to give him the benefit of the doubt the next time something like this came up.”

“And if you were right?” Jensen asked.

“Well, I then got to embarrass him in public by making him walk around and sing Joy to the World. It was the song he hated the most,” she laughed at some long ago memory that she kept to herself, and lingered in it for a while. “But, I don’t know, it just became our thing… he’d say trust me and when it was super important that I did, he would simply say, ‘I bet you Joy to the World that I’m right’.”

Y/N cleared her throat and tightened the grip she had around her legs. This time when she caught Jensen’s gaze, he noticed the tears had finished falling and that her soft smile was directed at him.

“That’s how I knew I could accept this offer and trust you. You did it without question. The fact that you sang the song and committed like you did… I knew my dad would’ve told me to trust you. He would have bet--”

“The world,” Jensen finished for her.

“Yeah. Exactly.”

“So, did he have to sing it that first day?”

Y/N chuckled. “Nope. They didn’t even give me a second glance as we walked by.”

“Did he ever have to sing it?”

She lapsed into her contemplative expression, but only for a moment before bringing up her alluring (y/c) eyes to meet his. “Only once. But that’s a story for another time. I think we should take the opportunity to talk about Austin and when this is all going to happen.”

For another hour Jensen and Y/N talked and planned her move to Austin. Exhaustion was finally setting in and neither of them could keep their eyes open. Y/N showed him to the spare room and turned to walk back up the hallway to her own room. Jensen said goodnight, and before he could turn to go it, he saw her pause at her door and look back at him.

“Jensen... I’m sorry if I was cold to you when we first met. I tend to put up a pretty high wall sometimes. I hope you didn’t take it personally.”

“I didn’t.”

“Ok, good. I’m glad the day went the way it did. You surprised me. Not many people can surprise me. I take back what I said earlier. You’re not a shitty actor,” she said with a playful twitch of a smile. “Night, Hollywood.”

Jensen woke a few hours after going to bed and while he wasn’t exactly rested, the four hours he got was enough to energize him to reach the airport. It was a long flight back to Vancouver after all, plenty of time to sleep then. He didn’t want to miss his last chance to see an East Coast sunrise.

Tiptoeing through the bungalow, so as not to wake Y/N, he quietly opened the front door and stepped out into the autumn air. The day was dawning bright with a cotton candy sunrise over the ocean and barely a cloud in sight.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” he heard Y/N say.

He whipped around and saw her sitting on the small bench to the side of the house. She had a blanket around her shoulder and a steaming cup in her hands.

“Coffee?” she asked, holding it out to him.

“Bless you,” he sighed gratefully and took the cup. To his surprise, he found she took hers just how he liked his.

She moved over on the bench giving him room to sit and watch the sunrise. He closed his eyes and relished in the luscious taste of the coffee as it warmed his throat.

“Thank you,” he said, handing it back.

“Keep it, that was my third cup,” she chuckled, then reached over to the side of the bench and pulled up her guitar resting it on her lap and lightly strumming the strings.

“Won’t the neighbors complain?”

“They would, but there aren’t any. All these places are summer rentals. Closest year-round neighbors are the Sinatra’s down the beach.”

“Seriously? So, it's just you out here almost all year long?”

“Yup.” She nodded and continued to strum the guitar. The melody she was plucking was familiar, and after a few more beats Jensen came to recognize it.

“That song…” he started and then felt his heart start to beat faster as he realized where he remembered it from. “Its… shit!”

“Well, damn, tell me how you really feel,” she snorted, unsure if she should be offended or laugh.

“No! I Didn't mean it like that. I can’t remember the name of it, but it's familiar as hell. Actually heard it in a dream the other night,” he admitted without realizing how close he came to adding ‘a dream about you, in fact’.

“Oh! It's from Grease, You’re the One That I Want, but like, way slower,” she shrugged. “After talking about the play with you last night, it got stuck in my head. I couldn’t sleep, so I made coffee, grabbed the guitar and came outside to wait for sunrise.”

Y/N looked away from the guitar and over to Jensen. She watched him curiously for a moment, still playing, and with each passing note the song became clearer and clearer in his head. They held each other’s gaze for a moment, and he wondered if she felt whatever it was that sat between them. In the span of thirty seconds, he had at least a dozen “I wonder” thoughts cross his mind.

...if her heart is pounding, too

...if she dreamed the song, too

...if she couldn’t sleep because she was thinking about me like I was thinking about her

“I got chills, they’re multiplying, and I’m losing control,” she sang, in a breathy whisper that matched the volume of her guitar. “Cause the power you're supplying….”

Her voice gave him goosebumps across his skin, running from his wrist all the way to his neck.

She trailed off with singing but continued the humming the melody as she plucked the chords and brought her gaze to settle out on the horizon. Jensen wished she had kept singing; he wanted to beg her too, but he was afraid that speaking would break the magic of the moment.

From the other side of the yard, a loud buzzing was coming from Jensen’s car. His brow furrowed trying to recognize what it was, then suddenly jumped up and put the cup down on the bench before jogging through the cold sand to the car. When he came back, his cell was in hand as he was scrolling through messages.

“Completely forgot about this last night,” he mumbled to himself. “Yiiikes.”

“Missed a lot, did ya?” she asked, still strumming.

“Yeah. Looks like there was a change in my flight again. Jared has called at least half a dozen times, and about five texts from work. Good times.”

“Sorry I took you off the grid. Just blame me,” Y/N shrugged.

He watched her for a second and realized how carefree and easy she could be when she was comfortable around someone. There was an aura of calm that surrounded her at times and he wanted to absorb it like a sponge. He felt settled around her, and that was something he could get used too.

“I’m not even a little sorry, though, I guess I should get my ass in gear and get back. But…” he trailed off and went back to his phone, pulling up his calendar, “let’s figure out exactly when I should book your ticket to Austin.”

Y/N stopped strumming and gently rested the guitar on the ground beside the bench. She thought for a minute before replying. “I would need at least two weeks to get my shit together and tie up loose ends. So, let’s say, the 18th?”

“Yeah, that works for me. I may be in Vancouver, but I will make sure everything is all set for you.”

Before Y/N could say anything else, his phone started buzzing again. He answered it and began pacing between the house and the car. To give him some privacy, Y/N grabbed her guitar and went back into the bungalow.

Not five minutes later, Jensen came back inside and began to gather up the rest of his stuff to change, but she waved him off. “You can wear those back. Just junk them when you’re there. They belonged to my brother. Doubt he’ll be here anytime soon.”

“You sure?”

“Positive,” she snarked, making it clear brother Dave was a sore subject.

“Alright, well, I guess I should head back. I got the 18th in my calendar, and I will call you when I have more details about the flight and apartment. I’m really looking forward to working with you on this.”

“Same here,” she said and boosted herself to sitting on her kitchen counter. “It's gonna be a good time.”

Jensen had hoped she would see him to the door, and maybe even get a chance to touch her in some way; a handshake, maybe a hug, even. But she didn’t budge from the counter and he wasn't going to push her boundaries.

“Thanks for last night, the whole thing was a lot of fun.” Picking up the car keys from the table he moved towards the door, pausing one last time in hopes she’d come to him,

“It was my pleasure. The guys loved having you at the Bamboo. Save travels, ok? I’ll see you in two weeks.”

And just like that, Jensen felt discouraged, like maybe he had imagined their connection this whole time… had he? He tossed the keys up and caught them, and gave her a firm nod.

“Yes, I will. Two weeks. Take care, Y/N. We’ll talk soon.”

When he was sure she wouldn’t budge, he slipped out of the house and exhaled a rush of air from his lips when he reached the car. He got in, started it up and quickly backed down the dirt lane. Pausing before reversing out to the main drag, he threw it into park and rested his head against the headrest.

“You’re a jackass,” he mumbled to himself. “A grade A, idiotic, jackass.”

Hours later, while Jensen was mid-flight, pensive and unsure, obsessively replaying their entire day and night together, his cell phone started to vibrate from way down in his pocket. When he unlocked it and saw the text notification, he smiled.

From Y/N: “Hope you landed safely. Don’t wanna lose the job before it starts. Take care, Hollywood. Can’t wait for the 18th”

And just like that, he was smiling again.

Good new is, you don’t have to wait long for Part Four!! Its already done and ready to post. Will have it up soon :)

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[whatisthisnonsense]

Continuing where we left off here, so we’re not cluttering Sarah’s pretty art (bless u @yunisverse ), did you know canonically Digimon are emotion eaters? “But Lea!”, you say. “That was in SAVERS, not Adventure!” Wasn’t it though? 

Think about it-- while they’re not necessarily feeding off it in the sense of sustenance, the digimon in Adventure all digivolve during a big influx of some form of emotion by their chosen child, usually related to the crest but not always (pants-shitting terror at Kuwagamon, for example). Normal, natural digivolution is usually a very long process of gathering energy and strength, with higher levels often taking decades if not hundreds or thousands of years (unless you suck, in which case you’re turning into a Numemon. Yes, that’s also canon.), so obviously the digimon MUST be feeding on something for those short bursts of energy, and since having the digimon feast upon their attached digidestined’s soul or lifespan is what we call bad, the natural source must be emotion. Following that thread, we see other digidestined in 02 (which I’m not going to go into for most of the lore it introduced because it is One Whole Yike, but Adventure itself introduced the concept that all you had to do to be a valid partner candidate is see a digimon and therefore this is valid) who ostensibly have the same bond as our actual Destiny’s Children without the Destiny bit, and we actively see Willis/Wallace/That Kid With The Two Bunny Digimon have his digimon digivolve. While Lopmon/Kokomon was out of his control for the most part and could arguably have been severed from the connection, Terriermon clearly wasn’t and also usually responded to emotion. As such, we can assume that this is a trait of all partner digivolutions. Why, then, are the Crests needed? Well, we find out they’re a bit of a magic feather, however they all still involve an emotion or state of being which the child exemplifies (besides Light, though that could be as in “the light in your heart that never goes out” IE Determination and Light just happened to sound more mystic and was also literally its attribute anyway, like how Honesty/Responsibility is Water and Sincerity/Purity is Plants) (Knowledge also isn’t a state of being or emotion, but the way they use the word I’m reasonably certain what they actually mean is WISDOM, which means Izzy in a state of being wise is what triggers it, not just him being a nerd). I would like to suggest, thusly, that the Crests show the emotion or mental state the digidestined represented by it has in abundance and thus what their digimon use to rocket up the digivolution ladder in ways faster and stronger than even normal human/digimon partnerships. The Crest associated with our hypothetical ninth duo? Kindness. Now, stay with me here. Allow my work-weary, sleep-deprived ass to switch from essay to narrative for a moment. Consider, if you will; Wizardmon has always been alone. Since he’s a chosen partner, Gennai dropped him when he was hit much like Gatomon, but velocity and angle meant he still hatched far away from her. He turned to magic for answers as to why he was left all alone when most are born and cared for in Primary Village, and he got good of it-- amazingly good, astoundingly good, impossibly wonderously G O O D  at magic-- but he never found his answers. Eventually, he gives up, assuming he was simply not worth the effort. That perhaps, his presence was a mistake. He wanders, looking for obscure magic but no longer having any purpose to it, aching for something he doesn’t understand nor believes exist. He says he passed through unremarked, but in many places you’ll hear tell of a quiet, soft-spoken digimon who repaired something with the snap of his fingers. Sometimes a wall, sometimes reviving a well, sometimes even bringing another digimon back from a hideous illness. But he was always gone the next day. If anyone could ask him, he’d shrug it off; it wasn’t something special, he thought. It just seemed cruel to leave things as they were, and while he’s many unpleasant things, he’d like to think he’s not cruel. (He is kind, he is so kind, but he can’t fathom it without anyone else around him, and no one nor place can hold him against that unknown longing in his programming, so it passes by him without note.) Of course, between his idle wandering and his constantly giving and giving and giving of his magical energy without much time to recover, he eventually pushes himself past exhaustion and falls out of the sky on one otherwise unremarkable day.  Those of you who’ve watched Adventure, of course, should recognize this as the event that caused him to meet Gatomon, and remember how absolutely baffled he was by her kindness-- he was already spreading himself thin, but he never had it returned to him mostly because he never stayed anywhere long enough for it-- and how fast he was to pledge undying loyalty for said shred of kindness. And this is true still, for he is still almost desperately loyal to her, but there is something else. Even when she truly forgets everything for the monster (ha) Myotismon turned her into, he can still see that longing for something she doesn’t know or understand in her eyes, and something in his chest tightens a little. It’s kinship, but he doesn’t recognize it-- he doesn’t have time, given how fast he parses the legends and figures out what she must be, as when he does that he out of hand assumes he could never be associated. Even so, they lessen eachother’s loneliness, and for a while that’s enough. Wizardmon does his best to play dumb, glide beneath the safety of contempt, and manages some tiny victories against the Dark Army’s, as after all he is never on Myotismon’s side. Some in-training digimon slipping out of the dungeon here, some misinformation there. In the end, however, he is mostly trying to give Gatomon the shot at a better life he is so certain she deserves, so every so often he has to get his hands dirty. It’s okay, though, really. It doesn’t matter what becomes of him, as long as she gets out. (Even so, when he’s forced to play evil minion to the hilt he tries his best to simply confuse or trick his target so he can leave them alive and unharmed, and if he can’t he does his damndest to make it quick. To do otherwise seems cruel, and he would still like to think he isn’t that at least.) As we all know, eventually seven dumbass kids with seven dumbass digimon who happen to also be the Digidestined turn up and Myotismon sets his plan in motion. Most of his minions just terrorize the town, but as ever Wizardmon is sneaky. He keeps his head down, and blends in, drawing children in and keeping an eye on Gatomon to see where and who she is most drawn to. He is being rather underhanded, he thinks, even though getting this gaggle of human children to watch in wonder and laugh isn’t actually necessary for his guise. He refuses to do otherwise, though. It doesn’t seem right. Naturally, Gatomon narrows what child is hers down without even realizing, but his own “patrol” draws in her and there is an almost uncomfortable snap in him as for a moment that ache, that eternal lonliness, is gone and-- no no, she just caught him flatfooted. He’s distracted and wasn’t expecting a compliment, particularly not one from someone clearly much older than the younglings he’s entertaining manipulating. The Tokyo arc is the same, but extended-- more red herrings and more time to convince Gatomon to remember that she is better than Myotismon’s lapcat, as well as scenes with Wizardmon and Minnie showing them drawing closer, albeit with Wizardmon’s denial or deflection on the subject pretty much even through his almost-death. Ah, yes. You didn’t think we kept most of that scene, did you? Of course Wizardmon gives his life for Gatomon-- by this point, it’s all he has left to give. It’s all he’s ever had to give, really. But remember how his body is still present in the show after his suppossed death? Well, that’s because he’s not quite dead yet; merely passed out. Minnie pulls him away and gets him to a relatively safe part of the building before he comes to again. He is defintely in the PROCESS of dying, though, but they refuse to let the kids know. It would be kinder for the kids not to see, at least for the moment, and thus the duo both lie through their teeth. And yet, when the kids leave to talk about what lies ahead next, Minnie turns and does her best to stop the digital hole in his chest from bleeding. He’s going to be fine, she tells him. It’s another lie, he thinks, but ah. “You’re...too kind...” There’s a faint glow from her pocket and for a moment his world is white and then he’s much more alive and terribly small. I’m gonna glaze over the rest of the Tokyo arc because we really need to get to the point in this fucking novel but I really need you to imagine a distressed Mokumon trying to wriggle out of Minnie’s arms as she tries to get him to fucking REST and then later him as a Candlemon accidentally setting the blankets he was tucked into on fire. Got that in your head? Good! Now let’s just--

There we go, see you in 02 asshole, moving on to the Dark Masters Ahem, anyway, as the group journeys through the reconfigured Digital World to forcibly scrub the influence of the Dark Masters away, Wizardmon slowly becomes a bit less aloof and a bit more on the awkward side. He’s gotten what he wanted-- Gatomon’s happy-- and he has a purpose, but that purpose doesn’t seem like something he should have, nor this group somewhere he should be. Nevermind he doesn’t really know how to handle a group out of his aloofness or various deceptions. And yet, ever so slowly, he begins to warm, and soften. Until that day in the desert. Minnie catches a lone and frightened younger digimon in the corner of her eye and diverts immediately to help it. The children and their partners are on board, of course, but before anyone can move, a Scorpiomon pops up and starts heading right for the young lady. The children shout, but Wizardmon can’t make out the words-- he’s already moving as fast as he can, even as he watches Minnie quickly turn to the younger digimon she found and hide them under a crevice, smiling before she moves away where it can’t see whatever happens. Even as she turns, pale and trying not to look frightened and moving AWAY from the kids a little so as to keep the arachnoid’s attention. Even as one of its legs connects with her cheek and knocks her away. That gentleness she was showing and his outrage and need to protect merges and twists and surges in a fountain of warmth in his chest, and he skids to a stop in front of her. Digivolving feels more like a soft blanket of darkness than anything resembling a change-- he barely even notices his limbs stretching or his clothing shift until it’s over and he’s...he’s... Myotismon. Minnie has the Crest of Kindness and he has turned into what is, objectively, the cruelest digimon to ever exist. Being Adventure the priority is Jokes, thus the immediate asking to tag out, but after this he is even more aloof than he was before, and not looking anyone in the eye. He is crushed, and once again come to the answer he always has for why he is why he is-- if he was ever meant to be here, then something must be wrong with him, and more likely he was never meant to be here at all. How interesting, do you think, it would be that it is not the Digidestined who has the huge, dramatic issue to confront, but the digimon? TL;DR, Don’t Blame You, essentially the jumping point for this whole narrative is, in a subversion to the usual “kid has to accept thing about self to slowly begin to heal from trauma and unlock potential”, essentially WIZARDMON is the one who has to learn here; the two-fold moral that he is allowed to ACCEPT Kindness and not just constantly give, and that the fact he is dark and spooky-- the fact his ultimate is the same as the mon who hurt him and the others-- does not make him less good or kind. And it only took about five novels to get here, amazing. If only I had this much energy for my actual writing.

[jalicebetterbereal]

Ice tea – One-shot A Laugh In The Wind

I decided to re-write it because redaction was so awful lol. It still is, but meh!

Enjoy!

Mist and cold was a terribly combination, yet that didn't stop the child playing in the backyard of the house. Not even the usual London's weather, cruel and acting as a constant threat, made her think twice. Even the report of tonight's blizzard, halted the energetic bundle that was now currently running and messing around in the snow.

Little Alice Liddell was somehow quiet and very chatty at the same time, only varying the company by her side could shift either of the moods.

Elizabeth Liddell knew the fact far better than anyone, including their own mother. In reality, the older sister knew so much about her, every taste, every behavior, every thought, every secret, and every single detail. Their natural connection leaded inevitably to an unnatural confidence, and at times, Elizabeth found herself telling Alice things the little girl supposed not to know.

Like this creepy student…

Stop there.

Instead of wandering on a topic she knew was not worth it her time, she continued on her process of making hot chocolate. Watching over her sunrise bounding happily. She smiled, the view was… endearing. There was so much innocence, so much purity.

Alice was talking at nothing but freezing air, not worrying the least of her sister, used to this display of wild imagination, this world the five-year-old child created and called it "Wonderland". True was that the girl was always over excited and joyful when interacting with her unseen friends. However, this time was… different from other occasions.

Alice was spotted with head towards the blue-dark sky and little hands tossed up, wiggling them like trying to catch up upon a thing above her. On her cute chubby face a huge grin was appreciate; showing her white pearls.

Despite the blissful sight, Elizabeth grew suspicious. What if Alice was actually seeing something... or someone?

A cold shiver runs all the way through her spine.

Fuck no.

She shakes the overwhelming fear, but hurried to the door anyway.

"Alice! Come on! Don't you think is a bit late young lady?" she shouts once she peeks up from the doorframe. Using a playful tone to catch her attention more easily. Not wanting her rejecting only because of an angry scold.

"Lizzy!" she replied.

"Come on! Is getting bloody cold!" she cursed under her breath when a particular wind blew with all force.

"Lizzy! Lizzy! Lizzy!" Alice came as quickly as her little feet let her, "I saw someone! I was playing with-!"

"Alice! You're freezing!" Elizabeth exclaimed, wrapping rapidly the petite with her blank around her shoulders, "I made hot chocolate and there are biscuits waiting in the table"

"Thank you so, so much! I love you! You're the best sister anyone could ask!" she screamed enthusiastically, running straight to dining room. Elizabeth chuckled inwardly, amused at the little revolving-walking-chaos.

She made sure no one was around their house; father and mother weren't at home, so she was responsible if anything happened.

No, absolutely no one.

Lizzie then placed Alice in one chair and then sitting in the next one. She started prepare the meal while the little one continued the anecdote.

"You wouldn't believe, Lizzie, but it was real. He was flying, not so high, and what I could see he was a boy, much like your age. Wearing a white shirt… well it was more like a nightgown with long sleeves… anyway, and also brown pants."

"Wait. You said you were playing with a boy?"

"Yes" responded excitedly.

She said nothing letting Alice finish.

"You know what was craziest?"

Lizzie shook her head.

"He was barefoot! Sadly I couldn't see how his face or hair looked."

"That's a pity."

"I know."

The silent reigns the table over a minute until Alice questions her sister, "Do you believe me?"

"I don't know, Alice; I haven't been there to see it."

"So you don't."

Lizzie stare at the girl black-haired trying to figure out if she was lying or not.

But previous situations with Alice and the insistence of her wonderful little world lead her to a more safe option, forming an intelligent idea and avoided hurting feelings.

"It wasn't one of your friends?"

"You mean… my friends from Wonderland?"

"Yes."

"No way! Do you think I would not notice if it was one of them? I know the types of humans who inhabit in Wonderland apart from me and he was absolutely nothing like them!"

"Just a possibility."

"No!"

Lizzie laughed, receiving a bad look. She ordered Alice to eat after.

After the meal and a few more distractions, bedtime came, and the two sisters started changing clothes, brushing teeth, and free themselves from their hairstyles.

"When papa and mama will come?"

"In their time. You promised me you would go to bed early."

"May I have the window open?"

"Yes."

Elizabeth picks up Alice in her arms and gently tucked her in her bed, putting her stuffed rabbit at her side.

"One day I'll sew the bunny's eye. It spooks me."

"It is perfect to me."

"Of course it is! You little weirdo!" Elizabeth tickled Alice's sides, taking rapidly the air of her lungs.

"Lizzie! Stop!" she said breathless.

After a while she stopped, and nuzzled the mop of dark hair, "Good night, sunrise."

"Good night!"

They shared a kiss on each forehead before Elizabeth retired from the room, now dark and quite cold.

Alice rolled over her bed, finding the best position to fall sleep, she clinged on her rabbit though. A sense of comforting washed over her irrational fear of the pitch-black.

Suddenly a cold enter her room through the window. She regrets the idea, but the action was done and even lifting her head was like asking too much, she didn't realize how tired she was, her muscles were aching and screaming in cramps.

Yes; nothing was done.

Alice's eyelids begun to fall, unable to resist the delicious take over. Dream started demanding her, and yet another feeling tugged her, oh, that wonderful feeling, the call, the hole… Wonderland was taking her, it was their turn.

She smiled, and her tummy fluttered in anticipation.

Yet, reality didn't seem finished with her.

Before falling, she listens clearly.

Unmistakable.

Assured.

A laugh.

A laugh of joy and fun traveling with the wind through her room.

.

.

Let me know if you liked it!  ;)

[dustydreamsanddirtyscars]

1x12 “Faith” // 3x10 “Dream A Little Dream of Me” // 8x01 “We Need to Talk about Kevin”

“If the Tin Man Misses His Heart, So Does an Entire Show“ - On 14x01 “Stranger in a Strange Land” and the Thing about Hearts, Love and Faith

“That's one deep, dark nothing you got there, Dean. Can't fill it, can you? Not with food or drink. Not even with sex. [...] Oh, you can smirk and joke and lie to your brother, lie to yourself, but not to me! I can see inside you, Dean. I can see how broken you are, how defeated. You can't win, and you know it. But you just keep fighting. Just... keep going through the motions. You're not hungry, Dean, because inside, you're already...dead.”

- Famine to Dean in 5x14 “My Bloody Valentine”

---

I admit, it is rather weird to write a piece of meta on an episode underneath a gifset that doesn’t feature a single scene from said episode. It doesn’t for good reason though and that being the fact that iTunes doesn’t have the episode available here in Germany yet, so I couldn’t download it to make gifs, therefore this will have to do. I think though that these scenes above will illustrate well enough why I chose to use them in context to the S14 premiere. It’s plain and simple: To me they capture the essence of what this episode was about and to a huge extent in my personal opinion this episode was about one thing: Faith. Whether it was from Maggie mentioning a rawhead (the monster Dean killed in 1x12 “Faith” and almost killing himself in the process as well) the first man we saw Michael visit who started his day with praying to Mary trying to “keep the faith” that they’ll find Dean to Castiel expressing faith in Jack, who has lost it and the believe in himself to Sister Jo who seems to continue to work as a “faith healer” and saving people.

Faith, the very concept of it has always been something Dean as a character was shown to struggle with on Supernatural. Early on, from the very first season onward and especially set up with the episode 1x12 “Faith” that sees Dean close to dying with a damaged heart after having been electrocuted his’s faith or lack thereof has been an integral part of his journey as a character. In fact it has become a red line running throughout the seasons shining a light on Dean’s state of mind as well as perception of self.

Given all that the opening episode of S14 felt very interesting, because imo it called back to its roots and the episode 1x12 “Faith” as that episode not only truly established the heart symbolism surrounding Dean that has been focal point time and again over the course of 13 years, but also marked Dean’s special place within the grand scheme of things which has always lead all the way to Michael, who of course at present is calling the shots.

And here is where these aspects intertwine rather well, because imo the heavy focus on the heart in 14x01 with Kip for example talking about “eating Sam’s heart out” feels especially striking because Dean is absent. Dean, the tin man, lost his heart, his agency, has become a mere puppet to Michael’s will. And along with Dean essentially losing himself to me the show has lost it’s core, his heart too and that was strikingly showcased this episode.

Now, I know many people are going to hate me for saying this, but to me this set up makes one thing perfectly clear: Supernatural cannot work without Dean (which is why Dean is never allowed to not be around for longer periods at a time), because it lacks its heart, the PoV character, the narrator, the one who is holding everything together - and with that also has become the one who has steadily fallen apart due to the weight he carries on his shoulders, because he never once has put himself first or believed he mattered (and frankly ever since that god awful scene at the end of S12 with Dean trying to save Mary by going inside her mind also was plain shown that he indeed doesn’t seem to matter as a person in his own right, but only in extension to someone else) and with that thought he deserved to be saved.

To me this first episode spelt out perfectly the only way Dean should be able to “beat” Michael in the long run (I assume that even though Dean may appear “saved” but really won’t be - I guess they will play up some parallels between Nick and his possession and the aftermath for him with Dean, though frankly this whole thing was the most stupid move, because the vessel Lucifer inhabited was artificially made by Crowley and had nothing to do with Nick anymore, so... duuuhhh + if they needed this for dramataic purposes, Dean sharing with Sam those experiences would have made more sense and would be much more meaningful, but anyway...) lies in the small but important fact of Dean finding self worth and love for himself. The episode has shown one thing clearly and that is that Michael is completely unable to grasp the concept of what love means, it escapes him or at the very least annoys and bewilders him. Just like Lucifer never knew what Baby could trigger for Sam in 5x2 “Swan Song” neither understands Michael the meaning of love. And especially so if it is love for someone else. The only thing he knows about that is how he can use it to manipulate people and that’s how he was able to get Dean too after all.

And here is where I found Michael’s question to his counterparts interesting (though I quite frankly had to roll my eyes at Dabb here too, because really? Now even so obviously reference/steal from Lucifer from “Lucifer” and his “what do you desire?”-style), because every single time, every single answer featured love for someone else and belonging in some fashion, things Michael obviously seems to despise and count as a weakness (he is very Voldemort in that regard actually...) unless it is directed at oneself.

What do I mean with that? Obviously, Michael had asked Kip the question of “what he wants” as well and after some thinking he had come to the conclusion, a very selfish one: Everything. Well, as one says that’s how the mighty fall, but what I felt important in this context is how Kip managed to “survive” Michael and how Michael befriends a vampire at the end of the episode (for its “pure” reasons - lots of callbacks and parallels to purgatory with Dean and Dean and famine here, which I can’t possible work into this text right now, but there are a few fitting things in these storylines relevant to the current set up). They both think of themselves, put themselves first, “love” themselves if you will and THAT is something very strikingly different to Dean, because Dean doesn’t care about himself, doesn’t put himself first and truly has no love for himself. That is exactly why imo Michael has such a strong hold over him, why Michael could overpower Dean. It’s based in Dean’s lack of self worth and that aspect to is directly connected to faith - faith as such as well as the episode from S1.

More than once on the show it was addressed that Dean doesn’t think he deserves to be saved. Be it due to what he did in Hell or plain and simple due to the fact he thinks no one could or should ever love him. I truly think that is why Dean is so vulnerable to be overpowered by Michael, because in opposition to Dean Michael has all the love for himself but none for anybody else. He is self confident to the point of arrogance and being a complete megalomaniac, but point is, he feels worthy. That’s where he draws strength from. Dean on the other hand feels the opposite, has never learnt to form a healthy image of self. That is where to me the aspects of purity and hunger come into play here and especially so Famine’s words to Dean, because even though it is 9 years later, Dean doesn’t feel any different really, he never healed but only accumulated more scars, more trauma, more reasons to hate himself. He has been deeply depressed for a long time and shown to be tired and at the end of his rope, ready to lay his head to rest. Amara to echoed these sentiments previously said by Famine, that Dean feels empty. And well, doesn’t someone who feels empty and despises himself allow all the more room as a literal vessel for someone to inhabit?

So what does it all come down to? My personal takeaway from this episode was that there is only one way to “save” Dean and that is by Dean saving himself. And that may be the hardest part, because as all of the gifs capture above Dean struggles to see himself as worthy to be saved, as important and lovable, because he simply doesn’t feel any of those things for himself. But if I was part of the writing team, this aspect would be the vital aspect for Sam, Jack and Co. to get Dean back, getting Dean to build up his own self worth, loving himself and with that becoming strong enough to fight Michael off who really doesn’t know humanity at all. Dean’s love for his loved ones has proven to “move mountains”, who knows what he could move if he had found just a shred of that immens capacity to love for himself...

[thelightofthingshopedfor]

2018 post because I still want to and it’s on my to-do list

I'm sure at this point no one but me cares considering we're fully two months into 2019 but whatever, I want to record it for posterity, because there were a lot of things in 2018 that I did for the first time and that's kind of important. (”this will be brief!” I said, you know, like a liar.)

I finally got a tattoo. I've been talking about it for years but never figured out exactly what I wanted or where, and even once I figured out what I wanted ("all we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us," which has been important to me in different ways for years) I didn't know exactly how I wanted it to look, because it can be tough to make text tattoos look good and I’m not an artist or a graphic designer. and then Scully was diagnosed with kidney disease and I realized, oh yeah, his paw print, there's an obvious one. my tiny little semi-colon (of which I apparently never took a decent picture) was also pretty obvious once I started looking for something small I could do as a test tattoo, although the way things worked out I got them both at the same time. the whole process was...kind of odd? but instead of just talking about it I finally actually made it happen, and it hurt but not, like, unbearably, and now I have a piece of my furry little boy that goes everywhere with me, which was especially important after he died.  

I did way more political volunteering than I ever have before. I always feel like I'm not doing enough and compared to people who volunteered with campaigns every single day, I guess I'm not, but I still did a lot in 2018 compared to any previous year: lots of donations to multiple Democrat candidates and progressive organizations, textbanking for several candidates across the US, sign-waving and even phonebanking for the Alaska Democrats, poll watching on election night for the Alaska Democrats, at least a few hundred handwritten postcards to voters for a few more candidates, data entry for the campaign against a local bathroom bill last spring (I keep forgetting that happened in 2018 too because, you know, 2018 was about a decade long), going to several local anti-Kavanaugh demonstrations and the like, leaving lots of voicemails for my legislators and bugging other people to do the same (with varying levels of success), and maybe other stuff I'm forgetting. which is all good, because actually doing shit is vastly preferable to just going "wow everything is terrible and we're all gonna die" both in terms of actual impact and my mental health. the unfortunate part is that after doing as much as I did for the 2018 midterms--whether or not I really actually did enough, whatever "enough" might be--I got pretty well burned out, especially because...all the candidates I did the most work for DID NOT WIN so that made it feel kinda pointless (even though we took back the House and I was so relieved about that I could’ve cried). especially locally where Alaskans did the stupid thing and 1) kept Don Young and 2) elected a Trump wannabe with almost no experience as our governor because he made promises that any idiot should've been able to see he wouldn't be able to keep. but...I still worked hard for causes and people I care about, and I devoted a pretty significant amount of time and money, and I got out of my comfort zone with last-weekend phonebanking, and none of that is nothing.

I joined a gym and started going there fairly regularly. as usual I want to qualify this, because "30 minutes on the elliptical once or twice a week" is not exactly an amazing workout, and I haven't been as good at going regularly since I finished TAZ: Balance, but like...it's still a new thing that I went out of my way to do, and it was a positive change toward taking care of myself physically.

related: I...finished a podcast? I'm bad at podcasts (see also: I'm two or three years behind on Welcome to Night Vale, the only other podcast where I've listened to more than one or two episodes), but the Balance arc of The Adventure Zone is amazing and it basically let me trick myself into wanting to work out so I could listen to more. (unfortunately, Amnesty and MBMBAM haven't been as effective this way, I think because MBMBAM is hilarious but there's no narrative and therefore no "oh shit what's gonna happen next" suspense, and Amnesty is great but it's just...less zany, I guess. constant zany goofs are great for distracting me from the fact that I'm doing generally unpleasant physical activity.) now maybe if I could find a site like GoodReads for podcasts, which apparently doesn’t exist yet, maybe I’d do better at remembering and then listening to all the podcasts I’ve heard of that interest me...although I still don’t know what would be useful for workouts to give me that all-important combo of zany goofs (made by people who are not horrible) and suspenseful narrative. 

I got back into conventions and cosplay for the first time in six years, which is kind of dumb because I was never that deep into cosplay in the first place and I'm still not, and the vast majority of cons I've attended have been tiny local ones...but I did do several attempts at varying levels of quality starting back in college, and I put together some complicated-by-my-standards outfits for SDCC 2012, and then I didn't do any cosplay at all until last year when I semi-spontaneously decided to go to ECCC. I only did two for that one (AoU Wanda, and Avengers Academy Loki) but they involved more actual work than any previous cosplays and I was pretty proud of how they turned out. and then I kind of went "oh hey, cons and cosplay are fun, I forgot", so I did a very simple cosplay for one tiny local con and two that were much more complicated (Stuttgart Loki and The Final Pam) for our larger local con, and it was a lot of work and I'm not 100% happy with how I looked as Pam but the handful of people thrilled to recognize me made it worthwhile. also my Loki staff is damned cool and I look great in suits.

I got contacts! for the very first time! LITERALLY JUST FOR COSPLAY! I've worn glasses since I was about two so I don't remember my adjustment period and I've never had much desire to try contacts, and with past cosplays I just kind of shrugged and wore my glasses anyway, but after ECCC I wanted to Do It Right so...I got contacts. it kind of sucked actually! after the week or so where I was supposed to wear them to get used to them, I literally have not worn them except for the local convention! it turns out contacts will never be a great idea for me because astigmatism is wacky! but now I have contacts I can use for future cosplays, and it's another new thing outside my comfort zone where I went "you know, actually, I could do this thing" and then I made it happen, which is...sort of a big deal for me.

I played Silent Hill 3 and 2, in that order, which is not that big of a deal but still feels like something of a milestone for me, because a) actually finishing a game is embarrassingly rare for me and b) I feel like...they're so well known and such a part of gaming canon, so to speak, that finally playing a couple classic games I previously only knew by osmosis is sort of significant actually. also I love them both in different ways, and discovering a new favorite game series is always fun.

I said goodbye to Scully. this was...not a fun one, obviously, and in fact those last few days were completely fucking awful. but, well, it was a big thing that happened, and it was new in my experience. like I said (a lot) at the time, I realize it's a sign of how lucky I've been that Scully was my hardest personal loss so far, but that doesn't change the fact that it was, and...of course it was hard and horrible. he was my furry little boy, he was unquestionably family, he was a huge part of my life every day for 9 years.  I took care of him as well as I could for as long as I could, and then I made the most compassionate decision I could, and for the most part I was able to focus on remembering the joy he brought me instead of just how much it hurt to lose him. (I've also said this before but I think dealing with Loki in Infinity War helped with Scully, because I'd already done some work on my unhealthy tendencies toward hopelessness in the face of, you know, things ending.) and then I found Hazy, and that's been hard in different ways but she's also worth it, and I think I can train her enough that other people will actually get to see how silly and adorable and sweet she is instead of just BARK BARK BARK.

I more or less kept up with my writing goals of posting at least one new thing a month? I guess this is an accomplishment rather than a first, since it's something I've been mostly successful in doing for the last few years, but it's still notable. also it does involve a first, because until I will kiss you till your breath is found I'd never written anything even semi-explicit (well, I very vaguely described a couple sex scenes in my Crimson Peak fic a few years ago but that was...VERY vague) and then I wrote several thousand words of fucked-up dubcon sort-of-p0rn and fairly shortly followed it up with another one. so that's a thing I've done now I guess. (is it actually explicit if you never really, directly reference anyone's genitals but it's still obvious what's happening and also it's fucked-up sex stuff? I don't know but at this point I'm definitely still too squeamish to use certain words in my fics. is that because I'm hella ace or because I grew up hella repressed in purity culture? BOTH PROBABLY)

and then there are my goals for 2019! or rather the rest of 2019 but it's cool because I got started on a couple of these pretty much right away!

cut my hair real short. already done! in fact this was basically the first thing I did in 2019, because I made the appointment Jan. 1 and got my hair cut Jan. 2! kind of like the tattoo, this is something I've been wanting to do, and talking about wanting to do, for ages and I've never actually gone for it; the shortest I've gotten my hair cut was basically chin-length, more than once, because I'd go in like "I kind of really want a pixie cut or something similar but idk if that would work on me without adding a bunch of time and Product to my morning routine so maybe I shouldn't?" and the stylists were always like "yeah you shouldn't, a good pixie for your face shape is not wash-and-wear hair" so I never did it even though I kept wanting to just...cut all my fucking hair off. and then this December I kind of went, wait, I got a TATTOO with less angst than this and that's permanent. I CAN CUT MY HAIR. IT GROWS BACK. so I got all my fucking hair cut off. it's not perfect because a short cut really does take more maintenance, from what I'm told (I got it cut the first week of January, so...probably I should have scheduled a trim by now), and I really would prefer to continue paying almost no attention to my hair while still looking generally okay, and the bits in front fall in my eyes and piss me off if I don't pin them back (I did buy the hair wax stuff the stylist suggested that was supposed to sort of lightly anchor it in place but it just never worked for very long, so...pins), BUT it is very nice not constantly catching my hair in my purse strap and stuff like that, and also I'm more visibly queer with short hair and that's definitely a plus.

train Hazy. this is a work in progress. it took a while to get signed up for an actual class and then I had to go with one for reactive dogs specifically, and so far I've only been to two sessions, just one of which involved Hazy, and then I've been trying to do other stuff at home, and...well, it's a work in progress. but she's a good dog who just needs to learn to chill a little bit, and I should've trained Scully and didn't so I'm trying to do things right this time.

specifically, I would like to get her trained enough that she can accompany me to Pride in June, wearing her adorable Wonder Woman harness and cape. given that she is not great with individual strange humans and strange dogs, taking her into a big crowd of both would definitely result in a screaming meltdown if I did it now and it may or may not be realistic to hope I'll be able to get enough improvement on that in time. but that's the goal. if it doesn't work, there's always next year, I guess.

also, I want to make myself a flying ace costume for Pride. this may or may not be much more complicated than I anticipate.

speaking of costumes, I'm planning to go back to both local conventions this year, and I imagine I'll reuse my Stuttgart Loki outfit at least once but it would be nice to do at least one other new cosplay. Heather/Cheryl from Silent Hill 3 seems like it should be straightforward but Value Village hasn't provided me with any of the pieces yet so who knows.

post more to @alaska-gothic​ because I have a bunch of cool photos I'd like to have a place to show off (and I've taken a lot of new pictures, some in VERY cold weather, for this exact purpose)

finish more games. in practice this might turn into "play more short games while continuing to neglect long games" but I want to make my list of completed games longer and I also want to PLAY MORE GAMES in general because it's a thing I really like, and it's possibly the only thing I do that's purely for my own enjoyment, and I want to make more time for that. also I want to finish SWTOR’s existing singleplayer content because, I mean, it’s an eight-year-old(!!!) MMO so its remaining time is probably limited by default and it’s fucking ridiculous I’ve been a subscriber for at least seven years without even finishing all the class storylines, what the actual fuck Past Me. (I also want to make more time for console games specifically, because those are almost definitely easier on my body and I can do them while cuddling with Hazy on the couch. unfortunately this also generally requires me having the place to myself, which is kind of a rare thing that is also necessary for comfortably working on customs or writing, so...opportunities are limited.)

speaking of games: finish buying the parts to upgrade my computer and then upgrade my fucking computer, and also back up my fucking files

finish a long fic? or honestly if I can even finish more short fics that would be great. really just...make progress on the WIP list. especially if I can finish some IW-specific fics before Endgame comes out. that would be super cool of me.

get another tattoo. I still want that LotR quote but I don't know how I want it to look so who knows when that might happen. HOWEVER, I've been wanting something queer, and I very much loved Foxflight Studios’ "we fight as one" design, and when I asked the designer if she was okay with me getting it as a tattoo she said yes. so at least with that I wouldn't have to figure out a design. I do of course have to figure out a) where I want it (ideally, somewhere normally covered by clothes but where I can see it if I want to, and where a person might conceivably keep a real dagger) and b) how much more it's going to hurt/cost than the paw print considering it would have to be bigger and it has a lot more colors and linework.

do some travel around Alaska. I've lived here for nearly my entire life and I really haven't seen that much of my own state. more importantly there are a few extremely cool places within theoretical driving distance, like Kennicott, Igloo City, and abandoned military installations near Seward, and I want to visit them. @erlkonigstochter and I had vague plans to do this last year and it never materialized (although I did visit Nike Site Summit on my own), so...this year I intend to try harder to make that happen, especially since I have no current plans of traveling out of state.

put more stuff on Etsy (and figure out how to advertise them?). in particular there are a bunch more things I want to repaint in various Pride colors, in part because those are way easier than custom Funko figures. of course, a lot of these things are kinda technically copyright infringement which means somehow I have to figure out how to make more sales of the easier things without drawing the attention of any corporations (and/or shift my focus to things that aren't under copyright of some kind but that's probably more complicated).

but also do more personal projects. I have so many partially finished custom figures, and so many other figures I bought specifically to customize but haven't touched since, and it would be cool to actually...do something with some of those. especially because several of my WIPs/plans are more Lokis, and I need all the Lokis, and there are not many more left that I can buy.

figure out how to motivate myself to work out more and keep up with PT exercises, see above re: needing a  better replacement for the magic of TAZ Balance whoops

get a therapist and work on ADHD issues, because I'm increasingly convinced that ADHD issues are at the root of the vast majority of my other issues (depression, anxiety, etc.), and that I would be immeasurably improving every aspect of my life if I could make some progress on that aspect. the difficulty, of course, is that finding a therapist is kind of complicated and difficult, and also I don't really want to add yet another regular appointment to my schedule when I already don't have enough time after work to do all the things I want and/or need to do, but...this one thing could go a long way toward helping me actually do all those other things, so obviously this is a time investment I really need to make. although probably not until I've made serious progress with Hazy's separation anxiety because that also makes it hard to go places after work. so uh, I guess we'll see. in the meantime it might be smart if I tried to figure out some kind of self-guided therapy thing I could do. I'm sure there's...something.

just, like, be more intentional about...things. in general. this is a bad goal because it's very nonspecific but it is slightly more specific than "generally do better FFS" so at least there's that.

[hunterenough]

December 3

Notes: I’ve cheated a little with today’s advent calendar entry for @notfunnydean​‘s challenge. The prompt was “At the Christmas Bakery” but I’ve turned the bunker kitchen into a pro bakery instead. Of course, with Dean as our amazing pastry chef. The star of this is based on a real recipe (credit to: https://www.tasteofhome.com/recipes/caramel-pecan-cinnamon-rolls/ ), and the modifications mentioned are valid in terms of baking substitutions, though your results may vary. I hope you enjoy. (Of course, I don’t own the characters, and I don’t have a beta, all mistakes are mine. Please tell me if I need to fix something.) :)

December 3

Dean couldn’t remember the last time that he had voluntarily both gone to bed early and gotten up at the ass crack of dawn if a case hadn’t been involved. He’d spent most of yesterday, the part that he hadn’t spent staring at Cas’ letter to “Santa,” driving to Grand Island to go grocery shopping. He knew for a fact that he’d never voluntarily spent two hours letting a store clerk fill his cart with organic, locally produced, grass-fed, free-range, single source, WHOLE food. He didn’t even want to think about the dent his hippy spending spree had made on this wallet. It would be worth it though, if his angel could enjoy his breakfast without tasting all of the stray molecules left behind by chemicals or machine processing.

He had stashed his haul in his room, glad for the cooler bag that the clerk had tossed in free of charge when he’d realized that Dean would have to drive nearly two hours to get home. A change of ice packs after dinner and again before bed had kept the food  safely at fridge temp.

He assembled the tools and ingredients on the counter carefully, double checking the recipe as he went. Mixing bowls, spoons, measuring cups, muffin tins, serving trays, saucepan, plates, forks, coffee cups, coffee, unbleached muslin, glass carafe, yeast, milk, eggs, butter, sugar, salt, flour, molasses, honey, maple syrup, pecans, and cinnamon. He’d gotten far more than he really needed, but he figured if this worked, maybe Cas would like to try more things.

Now for his fail-safe. If buying the most expensive staples in existence hadn’t rid the food of the flavors Cas disliked, this certainly should. Rowena had been surprisingly willing to help him with the spell when she learned what it was for. Her price, there’s always a price, was that she be invited to sample his baked goods sometime.

He laid the square of blue paper  down on the counter and read the spell again to ensure that he wouldn’t stumble. Rowena had assured him that a slight mispronunciation wasn’t going to blow anything up, but he wanted to be sure. He’d memorized it with all the times he had studied it.

Et quod absque necessitate vel addita est accipere quod sit causa damnum. Revelare cubito verissimo essentia rei. Manente animi sanctitate nutrire possit.

He recited the translation for his peace of mind. Take out that which was added without need or which causes damage. Reveal the truest essence of the thing. May the purity remaining nourish the soul. He couldn’t find any fault in the words. He tucked the note back into his pocket.

There was no real ritual required with the spell. No funky blood sigils or potions. Rowena had simply told him that he should take several deep, cleansing breaths to “center himself” before reciting it. He did that now, taking the time to clear his mind as much as possible, keeping his eyes closed, but not squeezed tight.

The spell slid from his lips smoothly. Once he’d begun to recite the words, the rest seem to follow without effort. He took one more fortifying breath before he opened his eyes slowly. Honestly, nothing really looked different. The air seemed to smell better, he supposed, and that must be a good thing.

A sense of well being settled over him as he began to mix and measure. The scent of the yeast rising from the forming dough put him in mind of what home he should be. The feel of it pressing back against the heels of his hands as he gently kneaded it was soothing. He was almost disappointed when he had the greased up dough back in the bowl to rise. Almost. On with the good part!

Dean had spent hours reviewing recipes before he’d settled on this one. He’d spent more hours researching proper substitutes for corn syrup before settling on a slightly less than even mix of pure maple syrup and organic local honey, erring on the side of honey, and replacing the brown sugar with a mix of molasses and white sugar for a richer taste. He could feel the drool forming in his mouth already. He retrieved his monster (hah!) muffin pans and carefully buttered each cavity before he was again measuring and stirring, this time over the stove. When the golden sauce had bubbled gently for the required two minutes, he spooned it into the wells of the muffin pan. He took care that each had the same amount of the ambrosial stuff before scraping the pan with the back of a spatula. A single lick had him moaning quietly. This was certainly, hopefully, going to be worth the effort if the sauce was anything to go by. Finally, he added a generous sprinkle of (hand shelled and chopped) pecans to each well.

There was still a bit of time before the dough would be ready, so he used the time to clean up the dishes and put away his ingredients. He examined the butter that he’d set on the stove top to ensure that it had melted enough to spread.  At last, it appeared that the dough had “doubled in size.” He punched it down gently before turning it back out onto the lightly floured counter. He’d made sure that all of the remaining dough had been scraped up, and now the dough was sliding easily along the surface. He rolled the dough out, again gently, and brushed on the butter, sprinkled on the cinnamon and sugar he’d mixed, and gently shaped it into the signature jelly roll loaf. Twelve even slices, one placed into each muffin well, marking the top of the end pieces with a pecan to ensure that he put them on his own plate, another, shorter, rise and they were ready for the oven. He placed clean, but empty, plates in the Christmas crates, just in case the amazing smell drew either man to the kitchen before the rolls were out of the oven. He wiped down the cupboard again to remove the remaining flour before moving to his next feat of breakfast awesomeness. He’d made a pot of coffee for himself earlier of course, but this was special. Single origin, grade A Kona coffee. It was supposed to be the best. He’d put in more hours of research trying to determine if there was a best way to prepare it, but hadn’t been able to really nail anything down. Much of it seemed to be personal preference. So, he’d chosen the method that seemed least likely to introduce extra molecules into the rarefied beans: pour over using the unbleached muslin as a filter into the glass carafe.

About 20 minutes into the baking cycle, Cas leaned around the corner, eyes firmly closed, and cleared his throat. “Dean, I’m not peeking, but the smells are quite enticing. May I join you?”

“Come on in Cas. Today’s present is still in the oven, but I kinda figured you guys might wander in before I was done. Hell, if it was me, I probably wouldn’t have waited this long.” He raised the flame under the water he’d been heating for the coffee. “I’m kinda glad you made it in before Sammy actually. I wanted to tell you that I really appreciated your letter, but you don’t have to thank me for being a part of our family. You...you just are. We wouldn’t be the same without you. I know. We’ve tried. And I don’t want you to think you’re an afterthought in this Christmas thing either. You and Sammy...well, you’re pretty much everything to me, ya know? It’s important to me that you get that man.” Dean could feel the heat of this blush all the way down his chest by the time he’d gotten it all out. He was a little surprised at himself for even acknowledging the letter, let alone feelings. He cleared his throat awkwardly in the ensuing silence and returned to the coffee preparations.

“Dean. I,” Whatever Cas was going to say was interrupted by Sam staggering into the kitchen.

“It smells like a freaking Christmas bakery in here! I really hope that’s breakfast.” He grinned widely at his brother.

“Sit down you giant child. Yes, that’s breakfast, but I gotta explain it first, and I should have just enough time before those things come out of the oven.” Sam sat obediently.

“I think you’ll both approve of today’s meal. Sammy, it isn’t rabbit food, but I’ve gone as hippy dippy on the grocery choices as Grand Island would let me. Full on organic and a million other green and wholesome adjectives. Not one speck of artificial flavor to be found. Cas, I did everything I could to reduce the ingredients, and the recipe, to the purest form I could. I’m hoping that I’ve eliminated at least some of the random extras that end up in food so that even if it tastes like molecules, they’re good molecules. Okay?”

Cas nodded seriously, and Sam just grinned.

“So this is today’s gift...the best, or well, hopefully the best breakfast ever.” The timer went off behind Dean. “These gotta rest for a minute before i can flip ‘em, but we can have coffee.”

He carefully tapped the top of one roll, judging the hollow sound as a sign of proper done-ness, and removed the trays from the oven to the wooden cutting board. The heavenly scent in the kitchen seemed to triple. He smiled in satisfaction and turned back to the carafe.

“Now, this ain’t just any coffee. This is ‘single-source, organically grown, grade A Kona coffee from Hawaii. It’s supposed to be awesome. I even brewed it this fancy way so it wouldn’t taste like paper or our normal sludge.” He delicately gathered and removed the muslin from the top of the carafe before bringing three mugs and the fresh coffee to the table. He poured two cups theatrically, presentation is key!, and settled one in front of each man before bustling back to the counter to finish the main attraction. After noting the position of the pecan marked “ends,” he quickly flipped each tin onto a waiting tray. He left the tins in place while he grabbed the two plates from the crates as well as his own. Tentatively, he lifted the corner of one of the pans, noting that the buns released cleanly, but the filling was being slow in its ooze out of the pan. Another minute then, that’s the best part!

He turned back to the table to see how the other men were enjoying the coffee and found them both staring at him, coffee untouched. Cas had his brows pinched together and his head tilted while Sammy simply looked dazed, his mouth hanging open slightly.

“What?”

Sammy’s mouth snapped shut and Cas righted his head.

“You made pour over coffee using unbleached muslin as a filter with single-origin beans from Hawaii…” Sam trailed off.

“Yes…?”

“And you baked...whatever that is...from scratch from the best ingredients you could get in Grand Island?”

“Yes…” It was Dean’s turn to trail off. He wasn’t sure where Sam was headed with this, and the attention was starting to make him feel a little squirmy.

It appeared that Sam wasn’t sure either. He looked at Cas for support.

The angel peered at him with a single corner of his mouth quirked up. “Dean. We are deeply appreciative of your obvious effort. We’re just…” He paused. “We’re just not accustomed to being treated like this. I’m certain that this is already ‘the best breakfast ever’ and I haven’t even tasted anything yet.”

The air quotes instantly brought a grin to Dean’s face, and he relaxed. “Well, you guys deserve to be treated.” He turned back to the task of plating breakfast. He gave it one final critical glance, that is fucking beautiful if I do say so myself, before presenting each man with a plate and fork. “Maple Pecan Cinnamon Rolls, hot from the oven. Enjoy fellas.”

Sam, still having not touched his coffee, tentatively cut off a piece of the pastry with his fork, bringing it to his mouth with equal hesitancy. Cas mirrored his actions.

“Holy fuck Dean!” Sammy said with his mouth still full. Dean’s reaction, beyond a re-emerging blush, was still forming when Cas moaned. It was one of the most unholy and fucking hot sounds Dean had ever heard. Cas, when Dean met his eyes, seemed torn between ducking his head in embarrassment over his reaction and savoring his mouthful. Dean stood transfixed. He couldn’t drag his eyes away from the way that the angel wrapped his lips around his next bite, and the noise he made...some sinful cross between a whimper and a groan that had Dean’s entire body drawing tight. If it got this reaction, he’d bake for the angel with fancy bespelled ingredients at every fucking meal.

The sound of a throat being cleared made him whip is eyes to Sammy’s face. The shit-eating grin had him immediately turning to fix himself a plate and trying desperately to get himself under control. Real cool Winchester, pop a chub watching your best friend eating breakfast. Doesn’t get more humiliating than that...oh wait, your brother noticed… At least my angel is actually enjoying his food. With that thought firmly in his head as a success his embarrassment cleared, he grabbed his plate and sat down across from Cas.

Wicked grin still firmly in place, Sam met Dean’s eyes. “I think it’s safe to say that we are both really enjoying your efforts.” He took a loud slurp of his coffee and let out a muted groan of his own. “Seriously though Dean, this is fucking amazing. I knew you could cook, but this is really top-notch professional bakery level awesomeness. Soul food of the highest order cause we know how much work you put into this for us.”

Rather than respond, he stuffed a giant forkful of gooey perfection into his mouth. He head fell back and a porn worthy moan exploded from his own mouth before he could stifle it. Holy shit, they weren’t even just being nice. For once, he kept his mouth, and his eyes for that matter, shut as he slowly chewed his mouthful of heaven. When he opened his eyes, he was looking directly at Cas who was staring at him eyes wide and lips slightly parted. As Dean watched, the tip of his tongue flicked out to the corner of his mouth, catching a tiny bit of maple-honey sauce that had escaped. He was transfixed.

Sam slurped his coffee.

Dean snapped his attention back to his plate.

Cas cleared his throat.

The three men returned to enjoying their meal, sans sexy sounds.

The mood shifted back to their normal light banter when Sammy begged for seconds in his best impersonation of a little little brother. Dean scooped a second roll onto each of their plates, and relaxed back into his chair cradling his coffee and allowing himself to simply enjoy the easy domesticity of the moment.

“So, Cas, whaddaya think? Good molecules?” He teased the angel.

Cas, who had barely paused between bites to taste his own coffee, met Dean’s eyes.

“It… It wasn’t like other things I’ve tried. I tasted. I tasted honey and maple and cinnamon. I tasted it.” His gaze hadn’t wavered from Dean’s.

“Like for real? Like when you were…” Dean cut off the word human. “Like when you could actually taste things?”

“Yes. Dean, it was...divine. I tasted…”

They sat watching each other.

Sam didn’t bother to interrupt this time. His belly was pleasantly full. Dean could sit staring longingly at the angel all morning as far as he was concerned. He was going to take a nap.

~~~~~

Cas couldn’t look away. Dean’s soul was alight. His soul was always unusually bright, the intensity of it made him feel short of breath, though he had no need to actually breathe. The physical sensations alone generally made the angel avoid studying it when there was a chance he would be observed. He couldn’t really control his reactions.

Today, however, it was different. More. His soul seemed to be undulating with ecstatic colors. The same sensations of happy, love, home, safe that he’d observed yesterday had returned, but bright bursts of warmth seemed to shoot outward sporadically as well. They were so brief in duration that he was having difficulty getting a read on their significance. Truly, he had never observed such a fantastic thing. It made his mouth dry, his breath quicken, and his pulse race. Arousal. I am aroused by the site of Dean’s soul.

Being aroused by Dean was not a new phenomenon for the angel. The man was a perfect specimen of male aesthetics. Generally, however, studying his soul did not result in such a base reaction.

“I’m glad.” Dean’s sudden continuation of their conversation caused Cas to startle to attention.

“Yes. I am surprised that these more ‘wholesome’ ingredients had such an impact on the flavor of the food. There wasn’t a single impurity to distract from the true flavors. Although, I do believe that knowledge of your effort positively impacted my perception of the tastes as well. You have given me a gift I could never have expected Dean, and I am very grateful.”

“Well, I did have a little help, and not just with the shopping.” His hunter’s gaze drifted away from his own. “I was worried that even the best ingredients would still have impurities from being packaged or acid rain or whatever. So I used a spell to remove the impurities. I figured if I started with the best, and then used the blessing, I’d get the biggest bang for my buck. Rowena helped me.”

“You spelled the food?” He kept his tone carefully neutral. “What was the spell? It seems to have worked perfectly.”

“Rowena helped me with it. I was a little worried since she said she only wanted me to bring her some leftovers in return, so I researched it myself before I used it. I couldn’t find anything about it that would cause ill effect.” Dean pulled the blue square from his pocket and passed it to Cas. She’s coming by later for her rolls. I’d better box them up. I guess I really owe her for how well this worked out.” The last was accompanied by a smile an another bright flare of happiness from his soul.

Take out that which was added without need or which causes damage. Reveal the truest essence of the thing. May the purity remaining nourish the soul. He translated without thinking, then studied the paper for a moment longer, admiring the man’s angular scrawl, so different from his own.

“You are correct, there should be no ill effects. It truly is designed to be a blessing. I do find the last line interesting. May the purity remaining nourish the soul. I would have thought it would been a more physical thing… restore the body or man would have been the more traditional conclusion. In spells, nourishment of the soul generally involves worthy effort or sacrifice. Although, in this case I suppose both were offered…” He was starting to think that there may be more significance to the changes that he’d observed in the man’s soul than his unusually good mood. He’d have to have a chat with the witch.