#but also i think i just have reached a boiling point and sometimes that needs to happen too

[novelconcepts]

Hi. About the screaming panic in your head. Physical activity also usually doesn't work for me in those cases, but playing video games actually does. I am not a gamer and i mostly play the sims and stardew valley but this really helps to engage my brain with something else than panic. I sometimes feel guilty like i am wasting my time and i have to remind myself that this is also rest - sometimes reading a book or watching a movie is not enough, sometimes you have to just focus both your mind and your hands on something that does not let your mind wander and that's okay. Take care!

Normally the physical activity does the trick for me--at least for a few hours--but that's not a bad idea. Maybe it's time I just...go back to letting myself Spider-man swing around for a while.

[mariasont]

I'm so glad you love writing for bimbo reader x Hotch because i love READING them so much 💕

What about reader getting jealous a witness or unsub is flirting with Hotch? Kinda like how the prostitutes are always flirting with Reid but this time it's Hotch getting all awkward and reader misreading it and thinking he's interested back?

Love your stuff!

JEALOUSY, JEALOUSY - A.H

a/n: hi so im so glad you love bimbo reader 🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼 that literally makes me so happy, thank you sm for requesting i hope you like that <3

masterlist

pairings: aaron hotchner x bimbo!assistant!reader

warnings: reader being jelly, kind of out of character for bimbo reader honestly, she’s also a little flustered in this fic which also feels out of character but i kind of like it idk lmk what yall think

wc: 1.2k

The space between her hand and Hotch's bicep was dangerously narrow. She was saying something--something that was way flirtier than the situation required. Matter of fact than any situation required. Your pink nails, the same shade as your favorite bubblegum lip gloss, dug into the flesh of your palm, your lips forming a tight line as you fought the green jealousy that bubbled up like champagne.

It was fine. You were fine.

Until it wasn't.

She flashed a smile at Hotch, one that was undeniably pretty which only served to make your blood boil a degree hotter.

She was stunning, black hair, red lips, perfect skin. You loved yourself, obviously, but it was not in your character to deny that this woman was gorgeous by nature and she was edgeding her chair closer to him.

"Thank you so much for your help today, Agent Hotchner." Her voice had climbed a few pitches in comparison than when she was talking privately with you. "Is it okay if I give you my number, just in case I think of anything else?"

"Of course." Hotch was smiling-- no beaming--at the woman, reaching into his pocket to grab his business card.

Your lashes fluttered up and down is disbelief, jealously rolling off of you in category nine waves. You folded your hands on top of your skirt, cleaning and unclenching until you started to lose feeling in your fingertips.

You're fine, just take a deep breath. Hotch was simply being polite. That's it. But the rationalized thoughts in your head did not match the quicksand feeling in your stomach.

Unfortunately for you, showing and expressing your feelings in an appropriate manner had always been a struggle. Articulating when things were bothering you was a foreign language to you. The other side to this was you had no logical reason to feel the way you did. He was your boss, and you were his assistant. He wasn't your boyfriend. But that fine distinction did nothing to dampen the primal impulse to reach across the desk and drag the woman by her hair. 

That was dramatic, really. It was unfair to project your ugly feelings onto her when in all honestly, in her position, you’d be doing the exact same.

As much as you loved your job and adored your boss, sometimes you wished you didn’t work for him so you could push the boundaries just a little bit when it came to flirting with him.

Thankfully, for the sake of your career, the woman gone before your rash instincts could manifest into action. You needed to get a grip and possibly go reapply your lipstick.

You spent the majority of the day, from that point, avoiding Hotch like the plague. You weren't quite equipped to sift through the emotional chaos brewing inside you, especially when your focus needed to be on getting your tasks done, not on who Hotch might be interested in. It didn't matter if he liked that woman. You could cope. Maybe.

When you did have to come into contact with him, you found yourself acting like a wounded animal. The sight of his face only served to replay that stupid smile he flashed at her. He was probably already in love, daydreaming about their shared life ahead. Their three kids, the white picket fence, maybe even a dog.

You flipped open your makeup mirror, dabbing powder on to your nose and forehead while mentally reminding yourself to pull it together and behave like the grown-up you were supposed to be.

No sooner had you left the bathroom had you crashed into something, legs betraying you as you lurched forward, nearly spiraling to the floor. Your hands shot out, closing around the nearest object which felt to be the lapels of a suit. 

Your gaze snapped into sharp focus. Yes, definitely the lapels of a suit, and not just any suit--It was Hotch's.

Fantastic.

You quickly retracted your hands, letting them hang limply by your sides as you took a cautious step backward.

His brows furrowed, lips tipping downward as he absently adjusted his watch. "You okay?"

"Peachy!”

That was too much.

You attempted to sidestep him, but he anticipated the move. His arm reached out with surprising speed, fastening around your wrist to keep you in place.

"Hey." It was funny how a single word in that deep voice of his was enough to make your heart beat a little faster. "You've been avoiding me all day. I don't want to pry, but if there's something I've done to upset you, I'd like to know so we can clear the air."

"What?" you responded too quickly, avoiding his gaze as your hand went to your neck. "Oh, no, no, it's not you, sir. I just... I think I might be catching a cold or something. Just feeling a bit woozy."

You were definitely coming down with something—it was a green, nasty disease that had your judgement in a clouded haze.

He smiled, making your heart go into overdrive. "You're a terrible liar."

"No idea what you mean." Your voice went up an octave too high. "But, um, there's a bunch of witnesses I need to follow up with. There's this one who was... really eager. Maybe she'd respond better to you?"

There was a pause before Hotch spoke, his voice low and certain. "I've seen many reactions from you, but jealousy? Is that what's happening here?"

You blinked rapidly, heat rising to your cheeks. "Jealous? That's... that's ridiculous."

"I'd like to think I know you better than that." He gave you a deadpan look. "You've been avoiding eye contact, you've been unusually quiet, and I didn't necessarily miss that look you gave her."

You swallowed hard, proving him right and looking anywhere but him as you fidgeted with the hem of your sleeve. 

"It's not... it's just, you know... I don't know, the smile you gave her, it seemed a bit unprofessional to me."

Your words tumbled out in a flustered rush, not capable of taking them back as you realized the absurdity of it all.

Hotch's eyes crinkled as he smiled. "Unprofessional? Did it look like I was flirting? Because that would be a first."

"No, I don't think you were flirting, not exactly." You should stop yourself while you're ahead. "But she was, and you didn't exactly shut it down."

Hotch's face was unreadable. "Honestly, I didn't even realize she was flirting with me. Even so, I'm curious—why would that bother you?"

"Well, I mean, I... It doesn't, not really. I just think we should all be focused, that's all," you managed, voice faltering as you tried to be convincing.

"I assure you, my focus is on all the right places," Hotch said, taking a step closer that almost felt invasive. His gaze dropped to your lips momentarily before snapping back up to your eyes.

"O-okay."

The closeness of him was sending your body into overdrive, the room suddenly feeling too small, his presence way too intense.

"And just for the record," Hotch said over his shoulder as he turned to leave. "If I were to flirt, trust me, it would be with someone who already had all my attention."

taglist: @hotchhner @khxna @readergf @sarcasm-and-stiles @edencherries @aurorsworld @princess76179 @malindacath @freyy253 @broadwaytraaaaash

[pedrospatch]

jealous

Jackson! Joel Miller x Female Reader

summary: You aren't together, but Joel doesn't want to see you with anyone else.

warnings/tags: 18+ ONLY, MINORS DNI. asshole Joel, jealous Joel, he softens up a bit though. established dynamic, Joel and reader have known each other for a decade.

word count: 2k

a/n: highkey i recycled this idea from myself b/c jealous Joel is like...so hot to me. i love this trope, my favorite variant is when he gets aggressively possessive however i don't think i can top some of the amazing fics out there that have gone that direction so i took a softer, fluffier approach to it. also, happy tlou finale day everyone, we'll get through it all together 💗

Jackson, Wyoming

Winter 2024

“Before you head out for patrol, I just wanted to say that I had a great time with you last night.”

Joel’s blood boiled hot in each and every single vein in his entire body as he watched the scene that was unfolding before him just outside of the horse stables. It was late in the evening, and Tommy’s group was gearing up to head out for tonight’s patrol.

You had just finished saddling up your borrowed horse, Daisy, when Owen had sauntered up to you. Joel didn’t know the man, aside from his name. He had been placed in Owen’s patrol group once or twice in the past several months since returning to Jackson, but for the most part, he’d never spoken more than two words to him, and even when he had, it was only when he really didn’t have a choice. Though he didn’t know Owen, one thing was for damn fucking sure—he didn’t like the way that he was looking at you.

And he definitely didn’t like the way that you were looking at him, either.

In the decade that he’d known you, Joel had never seen you lay your eyes on another man before, not until this very moment.

And it was bothering the fucking shit out of him.

“Yeah, I had a really nice time too,” You replied, flashing him a warm and friendly smile. It was in your nature to be sweet and kind to just about anyone you felt you could trust, that was nothing out of the ordinary, but seeing you interact so effortlessly with him only made Joel’s anger bubble even hotter.

Owen reached out to take your hand in his and Joel angrily clenched his fists the moment he touched you. “We should do it again sometime. Maybe on a night when you’re not stuck with patrol duty?” he suggested.

You nodded, smiling once again. “Sure, I’d really like that.”

Joel couldn’t fucking take it anymore.

He was mere seconds away from losing his goddamn mind. Though he had every desire to go up to Owen, snatched his hand away from yours and give him a piece of his mind, Joel had to remind himself that the last thing he needed to do was cause any kind of trouble in the settlement—Maria wouldn’t have any of that in her community, even if he was her husband’s brother.

After taking a minute to somewhat calm himself enough to a point where he knew he wouldn’t throw a punch, he stiffly walked towards the two of you, calling your name. “Hate to interrupt,” he practically sneered, “But we’re startin’ to lose our time. Tommy’s waitin’ for us at the gate.”

Owen grinned sheepishly, squeezing your hand. “Sorry about that, Miller. I didn’t mean to keep your patrol partner, here.”

Ignoring him, Joel narrowed his dark brown eyes at you. “Get on the horse and let’s fuckin’ go. Now.”

Your smile faded, your mouth falling open slightly in shock at his tone.

Though you knew Joel had always been rough around the edges with other people, he’d never spoken to you like that before. For a brief moment, it almost felt like he’d just slapped you across the face.

Without waiting for your response, he whirled around on the heel of his leather boot in the snow and stalked off towards his waiting stallion, his rifle hanging over his shoulder.

Owen frowned, letting go of your hand. “Jeez. What’s his deal?”

“I don’t know.” Your voice wavered slightly. “But I’m certainly going to find out.”

After bidding a quick goodbye to Owen, you quickly walked over to Joel just before he could climb up into the saddle of his horse.

“Excuse me, but what the fucking hell was that?” You asked fiercely as you approached him. 

With his back still to you, he rigidly replied, “What was what?”

“Get on the horse and let’s fucking go. Now,” You mimicked him, crossing your arms over your chest. “How dare you fucking talk to me like that! What’s your fucking problem?”

He remained silent.

“Joel?” You waited for a moment, but still, he said nothing. “Hello? Joel, I’m talking to you! Answer me!”

Slowly, he turned around to face you. His eyes had gone stone cold.

You’d seen him give those eyes to others before, but he had never given them to you.

“In case you’ve forgotten, we have a lot of work to do around here. Tommy and Maria expect both of us to pull our fuckin’ weight if we want to stay here. You understand that?”

“But Joel—”

“We don’t have time for you to stand around flirtin’ with your little boyfriend over there and wastin’ time.”

Despite being angry, you could have laughed—you almost did.

Not wanting to add fuel to the fire, you managed to hold it back.

“First of all, we’re not fucking teenagers, Joel, so cut that shit out,” You said, letting your arms drop back down to your sides. “I hardly know Owen. We met at the Tipsy Bison last night, we had a few drinks and we were just telling each other that we had a good time, that’s all.”

Joel snorted, rolling his eyes. “Well, ain’t that fuckin’ sweet.”

You raised your eyebrows at him, taken aback by his behavior.

“You know, if I didn’t know any better, Joel Miller, I would say that you were jealous or something,” You accused him. You felt a shiver go up and down the length of your spine. It was hard to tell if it was because of the frigid, negative degree temperatures outside—or was it due to the fact that there was actually a possibility that the man you had been helplessly in love with for almost ten years now was bothered by the idea of you being with someone else?

He scoffed in response. “Don’t fuckin’ flatter yourself, sweetheart. I ain’t jealous.”

“Then why the hell are you so upset?”

“I ain’t upset, either.”

“Okay, then why else would you be acting like such a damn asshole towards me?” You challenged him, causing his jaw to clench tightly. “If you’re not jealous, then why do you look like you’re fucking ready to murder Owen with your bare hands?”

Joel groaned out of frustration. “Jesus, can you just fuckin’ drop it? We have to leave before Tommy—”

You reached out and grabbed his arm. “We’re not going anywhere until we talk this out, Joel. I need to know what’s going on with you. Please. Just fucking talk to me.”

He snatched his arm out of your grasp and took a step back. “What the fuck do you want me to say? That you’re absolutely right? That I’m fuckin’ jealous? That the second I saw that prick take your hand, it took every single ounce of strength I had inside me not to walk over and knock his fuckin’ head off his shoulders?”

You exhaled the shaky breath you hadn’t even realized you’d been holding back. “Joel, you have no fucking right to be jealous. You know how I feel about you, you have always known how I fucking feel about you. But you were the one who told me that we couldn’t be together, that we could never be together.” Your voice began to tremble, and you paused for a brief moment, trying to collect yourself. “You’re the one who said that we’d never be anything more than smuggling partners. Even after everything that’s happened with us, what we’ve been through with Ellie—you still keep me at arm’s length, now more than ever before.”

“So you finally found somebody else,” he stated, bitterly. “That it? You tryin’ to move on from me?”

“Yes. No.” You let out a small groan, knowing that if there was one thing you could not do, it was lie to Joel. “Yes, okay? I’ve been trying to fucking move on from you.”

Joel’s stomach sank at your admission. “And he’s the guy, huh?”

“Owen is a nice guy. And I really liked spending time with him—” You looked up at him, seeing the hurt flash in his eyes. “I’ve been so fucking lonely, alright?” You continued quickly before he could say anything. “You’ve been avoiding me for months now, Joel. Ever since we came back to Jackson, things have changed. Do you think I haven’t noticed that we only ever talk when we’re sent out on patrol together? That we don’t eat our meals together anymore like we used to? That whenever I even try and approach you, you make up some excuse to leave, even when we’re in our own fucking house?” Hot, frustrated tears blurred your vision. Not wanting to cry, you furiously blinked them back. “Ellie asked me the other day if something was wrong with us. Even she notices the way you’ve been treating me these last few months, Joel. How you avoid me like I’m the fucking plague.”

Joel opened his mouth to speak, but then clamped it shut, not knowing what to say.

“You can’t be upset with me for trying to move on, not when you’re the one who’s been pushing me away—and I don’t just mean here in Jackson. For ten fucking years you’ve been pushing me away, Joel.” Your voice cracked, and a tear finally gave way and slipped down the side of your face.

His expression suddenly softened. “I had to push you away, darlin’.”

You subconsciously stepped closer to him. “But why?”

“Because, what I felt—what I’ve been feelin’ for you, it’s somethin’ that I didn’t think I could feel for someone ever again. It’s so strong and runs so fuckin’ deep that it scares the shit out of me,” Joel confessed, a trembling edge to his tone. “Before Wyoming, it was so fuckin’ easy not to think about it. We were too busy fightin’ to survive, to protect Ellie—now that we’re here and every goddamn day isn’t a fight for survival, things changed, alright? What I feel for you runs through my mind all fuckin’ day. There ain’t no avoidin’ it.”

“Joel—”

He cut you off. “I never meant to hurt you. When we got here, I thought it’d be best to put some distance between us. I thought that maybe if I spent less time with you, what I feel would just go away somehow. But I was wrong. Wrong and stupid to think that what I’ve been feelin’ for ten fuckin’ years would just disappear.”

“What do you feel for me, Joel?” You whispered, looking up at him.

Your eyes widened in a slight surprise as Joel reached up and gently cupped your cheek in the palm of his gloved hand. He put his other hand on your hip and pulled you as close as he possibly could to him. He looked deeply into your eyes as your arms wrapped themselves tightly around his neck. Joel leaned down into you, and the both of you stood absolutely still, each waiting for the other to make the final move. 

Finally, it was Joel who closed the remaining distance between you and him.

He softly pressed his lips to yours. Any and all hesitation that he might have had before vanished completely as you parted your lips, allowing him to deepen the kiss. 

“That,” he said breathlessly once he’d pulled away, “Is what I feel for you.”

“Never thought I’d see the fucking day,” You murmured against his lips, a tiny, joking smile tugging at the corners of your mouth.

Joel leaned his forehead against yours and sighed, his warm breath tickling your nose. “Look darlin’, m’real sorry about earlier. I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that. It’s just that seein’ you with that prick, the thought of you with him, or with any other man that ain’t me, I just couldn’t fuckin’ handle it.” He paused briefly, taking a look around. Part of him hoped Owen was still around and watching his every move. “I’m gonna have to find a way to make sure every man in Jackson knows you’re mine.”

“I’m yours,” You assured him, gently. “Believe me. You are the only man that I could ever want. I’m all yours, Joel.”

[roosterforme]

roosterforme's Bradley Bradshaw one-shots masterlist (Rooster x Reader)

roosterforme masterlist

Rooster x Reader one-shot fics:

A Nice, Big Rooster Rooster is surprised to run into you on North Island. He's not, however, surprised to find that he still wants you as much as always.

I Still Want You Bradley had been an idiot when it came to you. He still wanted you, but did you still want him?

I Like Your Voice You and Bradley recognize each other by your voices.

Benefits Bradley spends a long weekend in Mexico, enjoying the beach and your body.

I'll Take You There Bradley's best friend is moving to San Diego, and she asks him for a little help.

Why Do They Call You Rooster? When another girl asks Rooster how he got his call sign, you make sure she knows how big he is and who he's with.

Go Slow When you tell Bradley why you're nervous, he makes sure to go slow.

Couches, Floors and Beds You had reached your boiling point with your roommate, Bradley Bradshaw. 

Frustrated Rooster is kind enough to help Hangman's ex-girlfriend when she's feeling frustrated. 

Stay on Your Knees When Bradley messes up again, he’s more than willing to beg.

Hot For Teacher  You knew it was against policy. You wouldn’t bend the rules for anyone else. But when it came to Rooster Bradshaw, you threw all caution to the wind.

Red Flags, Green Flags Hangman complains about his date’s red flags, but Bradley thinks this girl sounds amazing. 

Can I Have My Shirt Back? You didn't usually invite guys home with you after a night out, but this one was always going to be an exception. 

You Deserve an Overachiever Bradley is forced to come to terms with the fact that he wants to replace your boyfriend with himself and give you proper orgasms. 

Want You Bad When Bradley realizes his girlfriend isn’t as innocent as he thought, at first he’s surprised, then he’s on board.

All I Want For Christmas Is You Bradley returns from deployment just before Christmas and immediately falls for the new bartender at the Hard Deck. 

Good Boy Bradley is more than happy to give up his dominant ways whenever you demand it from him. 

Take Two When Bradley got you pregnant, he blew his chance at a relationship with you. He loves his daughter, but he never stopped loving you too.

Champagne Lips You and Bradley both try to claim the last bottle of champagne on New Year's Eve.

I Would Never Hurt You Bradley saw the bruises and knew what was going on, but he also knew you didn't need him the way he needed you.

Hello, I Love You When Phoenix signs Bradley up for speed dating on Valentine's Day, he is skeptical. But after he meets the woman of his dreams, he's not afraid to admit his best friend was right.

Do You Wish It Was Me? When Bradley returns from deployment and finds you engaged to Harvard, he knows he needs to get you back. 

The Purrfect Storm Bradley inadvertently becomes a pet owner after he hits a stray with his Bronco. When he meets a lovely vet tech who is willing to help, both Bradley and the cat fall for her instantly.

Make It Messy, Baby Anytime Bradley has a rough day, his perfect wife is there to make it all better. Sometimes that means getting a little messy.

Daddy Would Say Yes After you manage to embarrass yourself in front of Rooster, he still makes it clear he wants you to ask him out.

Cockpit Love When you jokingly told Bradley that you would be jealous of him spending so much time with his Super Hornet, he decided it was time to let you stake your claim on him in the cockpit.

Something to Talk About Bradley knew the rumors were circulating. He knew his friends were talking. But he had known you for such a long time, and you were just friends. Because if something was going to happen between the two of you, it would have happened by now. Right?

When Tomorrow Comes Four months is a long time to go without Bradley. When you tease him a little bit the night before his deployment starts, he reminds you that he's always worth the wait.

You Want Me Anyway Bradley wasn't your boyfriend. He didn't owe you anything. But after months of hooking up, you expected more from him than what you were getting. It was time for you to move on. But Bradley has other ideas.

Earning His Rank Bradley knew you wanted to make his promotion night special for him as he got his new pin. He could tell by the teasing way you asked "What are you going to do to me when we get home, Lieutenant Commander?" He had something in mind.

Midnight Confessions It's getting harder and harder for Bradley to hide his feelings for you, especially when you offer to drive him home on his birthday. Before he knows it, he's drunk in your passenger seat, confessing everything he's kept to himself. He may not remember all of it in the morning, but you certainly do. 

How Could I Forget? When Bradley met you in a dive bar in Virginia, he just knew he wasn't going to be able to stop thinking about you. Even a year later, he still remembers your laugh and the way you kissed him.

So Fresh, So Clean At first, Bradley is mortified when the guys force him to stop at a carwash featuring bikini clad women from a college softball team. But when he meets you there, he starts to think he should thank his friends instead.

Feelings Involved After months of dancing around your feelings, you're about to leave San Diego and Bradley behind. But on your last night in California, you realize you're not the only one with your heart on the line.

Sufficiently Surprised Bradley loves dirty quickies with his wife. Between his work schedule and yours, that's often all there's time for. But when he rushes home from work on his birthday, ready and raring to go, he's in for a bit of a surprise.

Don't You Want Me, Baby It was like a fairytale, the way you stole Bradley's heart with your gorgeous face, retro denim jacket, and karaoke skills. But when you disappear into the night, leaving only one small trinket behind, he's left wondering if he didn't just dream you up.

Do You Wanna Touch Me? You had been working at the bar for six months. And you'd been crushing on Rooster since the first night he handed you his credit card, called you Babydoll, and asked you to start a tab for him. And it only got worse from there, until one night you asked him about more than just his drink order.

On My Terms Bradley didn't seem to notice how broken you were inside. When he looked at you, there was never any hesitation in his eyes. He was the first man in a long time that you wanted to trust with every part of you. If only your body and mind would start working together. If only you could get the words out.

Wrong Number Bradley was planning on a quiet night at home with a beer and a basketball game on TV. When he receives a text from a wrong number, he's left looking at a beautiful photo of you. Now he just needs to persuade you to ditch the guy you meant to text and focus on him instead.

Don't Waste Another Minute When you finally recognize that you have been hanging onto your relationship for all the wrong reasons, you end things. You knew there would be someone better for you, and it was a welcome realization to see that he had been right there in front of you the whole time. 

Stateside Bradley made a mistake last summer when he left for his deployment without ever asking you out, and then he thought about you a lot when he was gone. He was stateside again for less than a day when the other guys coerced him to help with a fundraiser at the Hard Deck. A friendly wager with the squad might not be the only thing he wins by the end of the night.

Deployment Sucks but I Swallow Bradley was used to having your undivided attention when he was about to leave for a long deployment, because you'd been spoiling him that way for years. When you spent the day with your friends and got home late instead, he wanted to be annoyed, but everything you do is just too sweet. 

Whole Lotta Love You and Bradley were just friends, and perhaps that was why you trusted him so much. It wasn't his fault that you were secretly harboring a crush a mile wide. When your noisy neighbor becomes too much and you decide you need to move, Bradley helps you brainstorm a solution. But when you set your plans into action, you're surprised to find that he seems almost jealous.

Vintage You love teasing your husband about his deep and unwavering devotion to his Bronco, but he's insistent that it would come in second place to you every time, and he intends to prove it. While you're away on deployment, he concocts a plan to get you behind the wheel of your very own vintage beauty.

Wild Rooster Chase Bradley thinks about you more than he should, and his feelings for you run deeper than they ought to. You've never given him an indication that you want to take the teasing touches and playful flirtation to the next level, so he never pressed his luck. When you surprise him by sending a text message that could change everything, he's ready to chase you all over San Diego for some answers.

[tragedybunny]

Helloooooooooo! I saw that you were taking Astarion requests, and I’ve had something living rent free in my head for awhile nowwwww.

Basically, how would Astarion do with an s/o who is able to handle him well because of their own traumatic past? Maybe s/o came from a controlling/abusive household, so they already had to teach themself what a stable relationship looks like, and can now apply that here.

Essentially, I keep thinking about Astarion talking about how “patient” tab is with him when romantically involved, and I just keep thinking of s/o responding by saying “someone had to be patient with me too, Astarion. I learned the importance of it from that”

This has been awhile, I hope I put something together that works. Apologies for the wait. 💖

Until the World Falls Down - Astarion x F!Reader -

Love isn't always easy, but Astarion is worth having patience for.

You weren’t sure exactly where the argument came from or how it reached a boiling point at such speed. Astarion had been complaining that your house, the little house in the lower city that you loved so much because it belonged to the two of you, didn’t feel terribly secure. True, it was left empty while you traveled, looking for a way he could walk in the sunlight again, but Dammon was stone’s throw away, along with a number of the other tieflings from the Grove. When you’d been asked by the city’s rulers what you wanted in return for your heroics, a place you and him could call home was all you could think of. 

“I’m just saying we could look for something else,” he snips, pushing things further.  

There’s a rising pounding in your head, he’s giving into the paranoia. This was the inheritance passed down from Cazador, an endless fountain of ill that also included outbursts of anger, fits of melancholy, and more guilt than you could have ever imagined he was capable of. “Love,” you try your best to diffuse it, something you’ve grown well practiced with, “this is our home, I don’t want to change it.” 

He snorts, “I don’t know why I expected you to understand, you had all the safety and security in the world and ran from it.”

The words sting in a way you’re not prepared for, it’s not the first time he’s lashed out at you, but he’s never weaponized your past before. “Astarion, that…that hurts.” 

“What? It’s the truth, a pampered little noble girl who fled her sheltered life, because it was what, boring? Do you know what I would’ve given to be in your place?” 

You stare at him wide-eyed, gasping at what feels like a ruptured wound in your chest. There’s only been bits and snatches of your past he’s been able to learn, the Warlock pact making it impossible to reveal all. But it’s shattering to have that little bit he knows turned on you. Fingernails curling into the palms of your hand, you try to steady your breathing, reminding yourself he really doesn’t know everything, he can’t tell how deeply those words cut. But you’re no saint, sometimes the pain is too much. “Gods, you really don’t care if you hurt me, do you?” All you’ve ever asked of him is love, and you die a little inside when he can’t seem to give it, even if you know why. “I need some air,” turning you stalk away from him and your little kitchen you adore, where tea sits now growing cold, towards your front door, tears blossoming that you fight, and memories you've locked away pushing to the front of your mind. 

Maybe it’s your words, maybe it’s the hard reality of your hand pulling the door open, but behind you, Astarion quietly exclaims,“no.” He sounds far away though, sounds and shapes from another time clouding your senses. 

Beyond your threshold, Baldur's Gate bustles in the early dawn light, but you only see bleak halls, filled with looming dread, and hear the whispers of the House of Air and Darkness. Push past it, you tell yourself, one foot crossing into the warm light. You're running, maybe that's what you're good at, maybe he's right, you run when you shouldn’t. Another breath, you're standing just outside the door. The noise of the city starts to pull you out of the past. 

A hand grabs at your’s. “Don’t leave m-” his words end in a hiss of pain.

Shaking your head, you finish pushing back at the past to find Astarion’s hand clutching yours, starting to smolder in the sun. “Astarion, stop.” 

“No, what if you don’t come back?” He’s frantic, tugging you back toward the shelter of the darkness inside the door. The scent of his flesh starting to singe fills your nostrils. The churning maelstrom of emotions hasn’t calmed enough, leaving you rooted where you stand. “Damn it,” grimacing, he takes a step forward, towards you, towards the light. 

As though you’d been under a slow spell that finally releases you, there’s understanding, and you lunge toward him, pushing him back into the safety of your home, door slamming in your wake. Arms wrap around him as he clings to you, he’s quivering. Sinking to the floor, the sounds of rough sobbing start to escape from him. “I’m sorry Love,” you whisper, trying your best to soothe him, while your own mind recovers.  

Words tumble out between fits of crying. “Not your…sorry…don’t know why…didn’t mean that…don’t leave me.” 

“Hush, Sweetheart, I promise I’m not going anywhere.” It aches inside, you didn’t mean to frighten him. 

With gentle words and touches, you try to calm him until he finally stills in your arms. “Why?” 

“What?”

“Why aren’t you leaving? Why do you stay? I’m a monster, no better than Cazador, turning your words back on you to torture you.” There’s no tears, but you realize it’s only because he’s too tired to keep crying. 

“You are not a monster Astarion, your emotions get the better of you sometimes.” Leaning down, you kiss the crown of his head, his forehead, his cheek, anywhere you can get. “I know you’re trying.” 

“How can you be so patient with me?” His hand searches out yours. 

Once, you lived in a world where only power mattered, where your parents would’ve given you to a monster to secure their place. But you were shown a better way. “Someone was patient with me too once. She showed me how to love, I think she saved my life.” You stop there, knowing the price for saying more. 

Astarion doesn’t ask either, understanding you can’t. “I can do better,” he promises earnestly.

“I know you will, but you’re still healing. And I’m sorry I let it get to me.” 

“No,” quickly, he sits, eyes locked onto yours, “you have feelings too, and it’s not fair for me to hurt you just because I hurt. I will do better, you deserve better from me, after everything you’ve done.”

You look at him, a teary wreck, and realizing you’re probably not much better yourself, lose yourself to an unexpected giggle. "Gods, we're a mess. I love you." 

"Speak for yourself, I'm perfection." he laughs, laying his head back on your shoulder. "I love you too, more than anything."

[cosmicpearlz]

yours for the time being

summary: what happens when your academic rival of years, proposes an offer of fake dating? pure chaos.

pairing: gryffindor!jude bellingham x slytherin!reader

a/n: a little mini series coming your way! i'm so excited and got inspired by me rewatching the harry potter movies. anywho, enjoy my loves!

the other students at hogwarts never stood a chance when it came to jude bellingham and y/n y/l/n. for years, the gryffindor boy and slytherin girl were always found going head-to-head. sometimes to the point that nobody cared enough to get in the way or in between that. the pair had often expressed how they wouldn't be in each other's presence, had they not had mutual friends.

"yo y/l/n!" you peek down the hallway, seeing jude walking towards you. with the roll of your eyes, you swiftly start walking in the other direction, choosing to ignore him. jude huffs to himself and picks up his pace to be right behind you. laying a hand on your shoulder, he turns you to face him.

"i know you heard me calling you back there."

"yeah, i did. which is why i chose to walk in the other direction. also, get your filthy hand off me," you pushed his hand off your shoulder.

"listen, i need to talk to you."

"about what? how you're failing in charms?"

"you know damn well i'm top of the class."

"no the fuck you're not. it's funny you even think that."

"oh, i don't think. i know so."

"what do you want bellingham? you're wasting my time and i don't want to be late for class. you know how professor snape gets."

"i need you to fake date me."

staring at him wide eyed, your jaw practically dropped. "what the hell? that's possibly the worst idea you've ever had." you couldn't believe what you were hearing. fake date him? that was almost impossible.

"and you're sooo well known for your good ideas. just hear me out, this could benefit both of us."

"explain to me how," you crossed your arms, staring at the boy intensely.

"i can get lavender off of my back and you miss lonely, will finally have someone to date. you know since you have nobody."

"lavender? she wants you now?"

"a story for another day. seriously, you'll be in a relationship and maybe catch the attention of others," jude playfully pokes your arm, making you swat his hand away.

"it's not that i don't have anyone. i'm simply not interested, just like i'm not interested in your shitty deal."

"sure, if that's what helps you sleep at night. just think about it," jude throws you a wink and walks away to meet with harry and ron.

-

when lunch time finally rolled around, the great hall was packed with students from every house. unfortunately, all you could think of was jude's proposition. without wanting to admit it, the fake dating thing could work. there were lots of boys in the school that kept begging for a date or a chance to sweep you off. they'd all back off if you were officially in a public relationship.

"so y/n, i seen you and jude chatting it up earlier. what did he want?" draco looks up from his plate, questioning you.

"none of your business ferret."

"that was two years ago, let it go."

"never."

"if she doesn't want to talk about it, just leave it be," pansy comes to defend you. you smiled and reached your arm across the table, giving her hand a squeeze.

"see this is why she's my best friend."

"wow just yesterday i was your best friend," theo shakes his head with a disapproving look and a growing smirk.

"shut up theodore," you laughed, pushing his shoulder. jude's head snaps in the direction of your laugh. he knows it like the back of his hand. he doesn't know why seeing you with theodore makes his blood boil.

"mate, where's your head at?" ron pulls the boys attention back to the group. jude shakes his head, averting his eyes from you.

"he's too focused on our darling y/n."

"ew hermoine, don't call that snake 'ours'." hermoine is quick to hit harry's arm with disappointing look.

"stop talking about her like that. she's nothing like the rest of them. you'd know if you simply get to know her."

"yeah whatever. all slytherins are the same. don't you agree jude?" the silence was loud, leaving harry confused. "jude?" the gryffindor boy could care less about the conversation. jude gets up from his seat, ignoring the calls of his friends, heading straight for the slytherin table. he didn't even care about the wondering eyes of the other students.

"don't look now but your boy toy is heading this way."

"gross blaise, he isn't my-"

"fancy taking a walk with me?" jude asks, while holding a hand out to you. you looked up at him in disbelief.

"if i must," you get up, completely disregarding his outstretched hand. the two of you walked out of the great hall. jude lead the way outside, heading towards the lake.

"have you thought about my offer?"

"desperate much?"

"you didn't answer the question."

"yes bellingham. i have thought about your offer," you rolled your eyes and crossed your arms against your chest.

"and?" jude mimics you by crossing his arms against his chest as well.

"i have decided that it will benefit us both, but we need to lay some ground rules."

"how about you brainstorm some stuff and i'll do the same. we'll converse again at the three broomsticks after classes on friday," he didn't give you a chance to reply before walking away. jude bellingham was truly going to be the death of you.

-

jude didn't bother you anymore for the last couple of days. it was finally friday, meaning you guys were going to go over your ground rules for being fake lovers. once classes were over, you headed to the three broomsticks. the walk through hogsmeade was peaceful, just a little chilly. upon arriving, your eyes meet jude's and he sported a growing smirk.

"right over here baby," you can feel heat spreading across your face in embarrassment. although the pub was full of people who didn't care, you couldn't help but to be embarrassed. you sit in the chair across from the boy.

"don't do that."

"if we're gonna be fake dating, we have to sell it y/n," Jude leans over to whisper to you.

"a little heads up would've been nice jude," you shuffled around in your mini backpack to pull out your notebook. in it, you had all the stuff you wrote down for the pending agreement.

"here's a list of rules I came up with, feel free to add onto it or edit it how you like," jude takes the notebook, scanning over the words that were written on the page.

fake dating

pet names are okay but don't try to overdo it

touching is okay too (make it like natural)

always show up for each other's events (it isn't real if you don't)

don't under any circumstances... at all... get attached

"i wanna add one more thing but other than that, it's a deal," you wave him off and handed him a spare pen. allowing him to write what he wanted. jude slides the book back towards you, giving you a chance to read the last term.

"must go on dates?" you tilt your head in confusion. this was the last thing you'd ever think that he would write.

"well yeah, it has to look real. trust me lavender will not leave me alone if she even thinks that we're not truly dating."

"are you going to tell me about that now?"

"after you sign the paper."

"so dramatic," you quietly laugh to yourself, taking the pen from his outstretched hand and signing your name. handing the pen back to him, you eyed him as he signed his name next to yours. jude looked strangely calm about this whole thing. meanwhile, you were panicking on the inside because you would be closer to the boy than you've ever been in the past couple of years.

"we should seal the deal with a kiss," jude looked up from the book and grinned. that stupid boyish grin. you face dropped in annoyance. he loved to rail you up and seeing the effected he seemed to have on you.

"you're pushing it."

"c'mon, we're gonna have to kiss at some point." you rolled your eyes and leaned on your elbows, pushing yourself up to be in the middle of the table. jude meets you halfway and places a peck to your lips. his lips were soft like pillows. something that made your head spin. ignoring the tingling feeling you got from the small kiss, you sat back down with your arms crossed over your chest.

"i could kiss the pout right off your face."

"you're having way too much fun with this. now, spill the beans about lavender." you watched as the boy's face drops; it almost makes you want to laugh.

"okay, you know how lavender had a thing for ron, right?" you nodded your head, letting him continue his thought. "after they were together for a little bit. ron had gotten sick with poison and in the hospital wing, he was calling hermione's name out. lavender left him and ever since, the girl has had this weird obsession with me!"

"wow, that's literally insane."

"you're telling me! she's everywhere and it's starting to get creepy, jude shakes his head with a disgusted look. you laughed at his antics, causing him to chuckle with you.

"we should go before curfew," you say, gazing back into the gryffindor's eyes. you're met with a small smile and a nod. the two of you maneuvered around to gather your belongings to leave. you didn't get a chance to swing the backpack strap around your shoulder, seeing as jude grabs it from your hands and swings it around his shoulder instead.

"you're going to carry a green backpack? as in green for slytherin."

"you're my girlfriend," he shrugs his shoulders and holds his hand out for you to grab. you quietly slide your hand into his, fitting together like a puzzle piece. you let jude lead the way back to the castle.

-

the castle halls were nearly empty. making just before the prefects started checking to make sure everyone in their rooms. jude walks you all the way to your painting, hands still connected. the walk was quiet but surprisingly not weird or awkward.

"this is me."

"i'll see you in the morning, yeah?"

"yeah, i guess i'll see you around," you playfully roll your eyes, making the boy smile. jude lets go of your hand and immediately you miss the warmth it produced. it made your heartbeat race at the thought of being able to hold his hand again. he hands you the backpack that he took from you earlier. the boy surprises you again by wrapping his arms around your shoulders, pulling you into a hug. you reciprocate the action and wrap your arms around his waist. a quiet hug that seemed like neither of you wanted to let go first.

"goodnight y/n."

"goodnight jude. don't let a prefect see you."

"i'll be fine," he places a quick kiss to your cheek and walks away, heading in the direction to the gryffindor painting. it feels so unnatural to be like this with jude but it's like second nature to him. maybe you were completely in over your head.

[sativaonsaturn]

random sun observations

some of these are based on requests :)

libra sun

great conversationalists! they know how to read a room or even just the person they’re talking to and do a great job catching the vibe so to speak. given that, sometimes they can mirror the people they’re around too. because of this sometimes people may think libra likes them even if they don’t 😭 a lot of times the only way you’ll know how libra feels (especially september) is if they reach a boiling point or if you know them well enough.

they’re great at dressing themselves as well, i’ve never seen a libra who didn’t know how to carry themselves. even if a libra chooses to dress down, they still happen to look put together.

if you’re dating/ pursuing one, (ofc factor in their venus) they typically love love. so (if they really like you) they’re dedicated, love a storybook relationship and will absolutely provide you with that in return. also very diplomatic in any relationship, they want things to be balanced and fair - but keep in mind this depends on their own moral compass, not yours.

capricorn sun

disclaimer! i’ll try my best not to be biased 😭 but i’ve had the worst experiences with them; i have to be honest before i begin.

capricorns are literally the goat, so often they can be blinded by their “horns”. meaning that their pride can make them short sided, especially the men. this can be good sometimes because when a cap goes for something they get it. saturn is about learning from mistakes, discipline; a lot of capricorns go through some real shit before they’re even adults. that being said they are often harder than most and therefore sometimes have a difficult time maintaining interpersonal relationships - they’re often too focused on results and surviving for too long.

often very funny, dry humor. like other earth signs, they tend to just get it. the men tend to spend quite a bit unless developed. they also tend to buy things because they’re 5 star or the most expensive, not necessarily because of the quality. however, great providers and if you are relying on one to get shit done, get somewhere on time, to lead a team - cap is the one because of their tunnel vision and practicality.

aquarius sun

another sign who just gets it. aquarians are the people who laugh at the joke no one got, who catch the little nuances, who actually do like things before they’re cool. i’ve said previously they are one of the most intelligent signs because of how much they observe and how much they remember.

people tend to dub this sign as emotionless but similar to aquarius moon, i think people just misunderstand how they handle emotions as a whole. they need to intellectualize and understand their emotions on a practical level before addressing them. also they’re ruled by uranus, so the way they see the world is always going to be different or abstract. but if you lead with patience, they’re usually open to talking out their feelings/ thoughts - aquas just want to know that you want to understand, that you’re open minded.

very practical and sometimes worry too much. usually on time to every event/ job and great planners because they think of everything. i will note however, that they tend to be very forgetful or reckless until they’re developed. they are often the children who break their glasses a lot or lose their new sweater 😭

as they rule the 11th house (networking), they are wonderful, fun and considerate friends. they make jokes about literally everything (very unserious people 💀) and often give thoughtful gifts because of how observant they are.

leo sun

truly the life of the party, they really carry the sun wherever they go. if it seems like they always have energy it’s because they do, whether it’s natural or manufactured. i’ve found that they can’t be as high functioning if they stay in a funk too long. even if these people are insecure, they will create the confidence.

they often do care about how others perceive them, especially those close to them. this includes leos who are less of the golden retriever type and more of the lioness type. lioness leos are the ones who walk and talk w/ pride, command attention and respect, usually leaders. golden retriever leos are usually bubbly, friends w/ everyone, keeps things light and jovial. sometimes they tend to let things slide or don’t say what they mean because they’d like to maintain their image or aren’t actually as confident as they seem.

much like leo venus, they are passionate and intentional lovers. very thoughtful and compassionate friends too. you want a leo in your life if you want someone who will bring you warmth and a sense of belonging.

sativaonsaturn 🪐🍃

[riddle-me-ri]

Riddler boys with an s/o in college who is really smart, but has anxiety and feels like a total screw up and a failure. And reader just wants Riddler to comfort them and help to stop the feelings of drowning and pressure. No, I’m not projecting, and you can’t prove that I am.

a/n: You can’t hide from me anon, I know when someone is projecting when I see it. Especially because I do it too! And this is the exact type of feelings and thoughts that I deal with on a regular basis both when I was in college and even now out of school. So if it helps, I’m projecting too lmao, also although I love him I skipped hush (dcau) eddie cause again, I felt these get a wee repetitive lmao

The Riddlers with an Anxious College Student S/O

Arkhamverse Riddler:

First of all, he’s like…the last person to go to for comfort.

Not only because he’s busy but…he rarely handles his own emotions in a healthy way…

But no matter how much he ignores you…it’s distracting having you all fidgety and self-loathing…

Edward will give you something to do to try and take your mind off of it. 

Yes, that’s right…he’s allowing you to help him…

To be in his workshop, with him, quite a privilege really! You’ll probably learn much more from him than any college course!

Almost tries to talk you out of college altogether. 

You know he’s trying and it does mean a lot to know he trusts you enough to be in his workshop. 

Besides…if the Riddler himself trusts you and thinks you’re smart enough…then you must be!

Reevesverse/Dano Riddler: 

Ah, yeah…he recalled not having the best time in college either. 

Edward went in and got out doing the bare minimum just so he could get a decent job

(so much for that, he bemoans)

You’re so much more than any institution, or grades, or anything like that. 

You’re brilliant, intuitive, and perceptive!

He’s quick to comfort you although you may need to tell him how. 

He’ll offer to hold you and rock you back and forth while rubbing your back

Or he’ll let you bend his ear and just vent your emotions and frustrations, he’s learned that sometimes helps. 

Whatever you need him to do, he’ll do it. 

Gotham Riddler: 

Oh gosh, oh dear…

Unlike Dano Riddler, I have a feeling this Eddie absolutely thrived at university. 

Atleast the educational aspects anyhow. 

But he’s familiar with the feeling of not being good enough, no matter how hard you try. 

He takes you in his arms and begins whispering sweet affirmations in your ear. 

You’re enough, you’re more than enough. You’re the best thing that’s happened to him.

Perhaps you’re just burned out, he notices the bags under your eyes. 

And if you’re struggling you can always come to him for help, regardless of the subject. 

Edward knows how amazing you are, but even amazing people need help every once in awhile. 

BTAS Riddler:

Edward is instantly there for you. 

He holds your hands or shoulders and rubs them with his hands, trying to soothe your nerves. 

He hates to see you this upset, but he can understand reaching a boiling point with your own emotions. 

Eddie lets you let it all out, all your anxieties.

He will likely ask you what you need, if you need advice, comfort, or just his presence. 

He will gladly oblige to whatever you choose. 

Like Gotham Riddler, he’ll offer to help you with your school work

He’ll comfort you with kisses and embraces.

He will sit by your side until you’ve calmed down and will be ready with something to take your mind off your anxieties.  

Zero Year/Cappullo Riddler: 

Again, not exactly the first guy I’d go to for comfort or reassurance. 

Edward will just shrug, not entirely sure why you care what your professors or peers think. 

If anyone’s thoughts should count, it’s his. 

You should feel worthy of yourself because he tolerates you…

That’s him being nice, I told you he’s not the best at this. 

Ed gets confused when you don’t continue the bait to banter. 

He sighs when he sees the absolutely crestfallen look on your face. 

It takes everything he can, but he tells you that you’re special…to him especially…

It takes a certain someone to put up with him, your tenacity, your brightness…that’s all you. 

TWOJAR Riddler: 

Edward honestly doesn’t understand why you choose to go anyway. 

You could easily learn whatever you need to know from him, instead of some dull professor. 

He thinks it’s strange that you let something trivial as school get to you, it’s not like it’s going to last forever, unless you insist of going to get a better degree. 

He tries, he honestly does, but again he just doesn’t understand the big deal. 

You’re clearly smart, you got into that school anyway, and you impress him time and time again. 

Him, you know, The Riddler? You have nothing to prove…this pressure you feel from school is temporary. 

Edward isn’t the best with words of comfort, but somehow the effort he tried to put in is enough to make you feel a little better. 

Gotham City Sirens Riddler: 

Edward was curious why your mind seemed to be somewhere else. 

You also began second-guessing yourself, which wasn’t like you. 

When you admit your insecurities and how you’ve been struggling with your self-worth from college. 

Edward’s perplexed. Really? College courses? 

Why do you care? College is a means to an end. 

You’re obviously really intelligent, almost on par with him.

You often helped him think outside of the box on his more obscure cases.

He didn’t just allow anyone to be his assistant, or to aid him on cases. 

Maybe, he should tell you that more often, but when he tells you it definitely makes you feel warm inside. 

Telltale Riddler: 

Likely frowned upon you attending a university anyway.

But I can see this Edward using it as a means to distract you from interfering with his work.

Also another Ed not to go to for comfort, lmao. 

Doesn’t understand why you put so much pressure on yourself when it’s not necessary. 

Especially for some meager classes. 

He leaves you alone to grovel for a bit, assuming it will pass eventually like such emotions do…

But he realizes that your moping silence is more distracting than when you’re trying to get his attention with affection. 

Edward reassures you that you’re just enough how you are, if you weren’t you wouldn’t be with him now would you?

The comment surprises you, but makes you perk up nonetheless.

Young Justice Riddler: 

Bless him, Eddie gets upset because you’re upset. 

Man is panicking slightly but tries his best to hold it together. 

When you let him in on the growing, heavy pressure building up, and how you feel like a failure…

Eddie’s heart cracks for you. You can’t be serious?

You’re more than enough, you’re not a failure, are you kidding? You’re the glue that holds the team together! You have the best plans!

Screw that school, they’re not worth your attention! 

B-But maybe, you could also be burned out? It’s been a while but, he’s been to school…

Edward nervously offers to help you with your school work, but enforces that it doesn’t have to be like a date or anything. 

His endearing comments and efforts are enough to ease your insecurities, especially in favor to help him with his.

[that-ari-blogger]

Who exactly is this about? (I'm Not That Girl)

When you are finding someone to play Elphaba in a production of Wicked, you need someone with range. Not just vocal range, but acting skill. Because they need to be able to perform with the stage presence and anger inherent in Defying Gravity, but they also need to be able to reach the devastating low that is I'm Not That Girl.

To me, I'm Not That Girl is at the core of what Wicked is, and what musicals are in general. It is a combination of singing and acting, and is someone excelling at both.

But, I would like to drive home the queer reading of this story, and try to explain why I think that reading adds to the message and power of the musical.

Let me explain.

SPOILERS AHEAD (Wicked)

I don't think I need to explain why this song hits so unbelievably hard. It's about unrequited love, and its a strength of the satire that is this musical.

Usually in musicals and fairy tales, the love story is fairly uncomplicated, with an extra option thrown in but not really given much depth and the audience doesn't really buy the drama.

Seriously, how many of you shipped Belle and Gastone?

So, this is a song about that love not working out, not because of plot reasons, but because its entirely one sided at this point. To Elphaba's knowledge, and probably the audience's as well, Fiyero loves Galinda, and there's nothing she can do about it.

"Don't wish, don't start Wishing only wounds the heart I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl There's a girl I know He loves her so I'm not that girl"

This is the other side of love, heartbreak.

Elphaba is a relatively rational character. She has been through the ringer and has ended up detached and restricted in her emotions. Now, someone has pushed through her barriers and she doesn't know what to do about it.

This song seems to me like Elphaba wrestling with love as a whole. Don't feel, don't try. It'll hurt too much, it's not worth the pain. So why can't she stop thinking about it?

The term "rose and thorn" sent me down a spiral.

Both Florists' Transworld Delivery and Bloom and Wild gave a ton of meanings for roses that boiled down to "it's romantic."

Pearls meanwhile have a ton of meanings depending on the culture. The blog My Pearl proposed these, most of which did not have anything to do with love at all. According to My Pearl, pearls are commonly associated with purity, innocence, and wisdom. So, not particularly romantic. However, My Pearl did say this:

"[White Pearls] are often seen as symbols of new beginnings and are often used as gifts for special occasions such as weddings and anniversaries."

So, this is a symbol of a happy ending, and Elphaba is essentially saying that she doesn't deserve that because of her birth. In essence, she is convinced that her difference makes her unworthy of happiness, which... if you think this about yourself, please don't. I don't know who you are, but you are worthy of love.

"Every so often we long to steal To the land of what-might-have-been But that doesn't soften the ache we feel When reality sets back in"

My main point for this series on Wicked as a whole has been that it is about dreams and reality colliding, and this verse fits with that. It's Elphaba letting herself imagine and fantasise about a stolen moment with Fiyero. Once again, at this point she has no idea that Fiyero likes her back, so this is purely theoretical.

I have been using the free sheet music from this website for my analysis, and I would like to stress before I continue that I am far from an expert on the actual theory of music here. I can point to which bits go up and down, and can name a few chords, but I can't tell you about the intricate workings of that.

With that said, allow me to attempt some music theory.

The time signature of this song is all over the place, split between 4/4 and 6/8. In other words, sometimes the bars finish earlier, and so the thoughts within continue, pulling you along as you wait for the conclusion.

In this song, the two signatures differentiate that splitting of reality and dreams. For example, the verse below is in 6/8 time:

As Elphaba imagines, she breaks from reality and the verse is really flowy, almost comforting within the song. But then it ceases the second she comes back to reality.

This keeps happening. Elphaba starts in reality, then drifts into dreams and comes crashing back down.

This time, however, the reality of the verse is about Galinda, the barrier between Elphaba and happiness, the wall she stands in her way. Although, it's a little bit odd to talk about a romantic rival in the way that Elphaba does, isn't it?

"Blithe smile, lithe limb She who's winsome, she wins him Gold hair with a gentle curl"

Let's talk about Dolly Parton.

I genuinely had a whole section trying to argue that this song is the Jolene of musical theatre, but then multiple people mentioned it to me in person by that term, and @a-fast-rebloger referred to it as such here on tumblr. So clearly I'm preaching to the converted here.

So instead, I'm going to explain what that means.

First up, the queer coding of Jolene is barely less than explicit, its essentially the one Romeo and Juliet speech that everyone remembers. "Romeo, romeo, am I in love with you?"

But, the song actually has a history with the queer community, with this article by Nadine Hubbs detailing its implications. The song also has covers and rewrites that bring that subtext to the forefront by Nadine Hubbs, Rainaeiry, Annapantsu (@annapantsu), Jessica Rica, and Dolly Parton herself (Although I have not been able to find footage of this), as well as arguably the versions by Lil Nas X and Caleb Hyles.

Rainaeiry has two covers of Jolene on her youtube channel, by the way, and a cover of I'm Not That Girl that I highly recommend.

Jolene is a song about unrequited love and being unable to do anything about it, and the song focuses on the woman who forms the barrier to this love. It is a song about defeat.

"Your beauty is beyond compare With flaming locks of auburn hair Ivory skin and eyes of emerald green Your smile is like a breath of spring Your voice is soft like summer rain And I cannot compete with you Jolene"

Compare that with this:

"Blithe smile, lithe limb She who's winsome, she wins him Gold hair with a gentle curl That's the girl he chose And Heaven knows I'm not that girl"

This is more than just thematic parallels, this is subject overlap, and remember when I mentioned the dreams vs reality theme being expressed by the time signature? Well take a look at the time signature for that verse.

The verse switches halfway through, as Elphaba begins describing her friend, and that dreaminess comes back as she discusses Galinda, but then dissipates when she remembers where she stands.

This is a love song by Elphaba, about Galinda. It's about how Elphaba isn't deserving, how she isn't pretty, how she isn't chosen. And who does she associate with those traits, but Galinda.

And here is where my reading comes in, finally. I read both of these witches as either biromantic or bisexual, probably both. Galinda for reasons I will get to in a later post, but Elphaba because of this song.

This song to me, is a true love triangle. Elphaba is desperately in love with both Fiyero and Galinda, but she can't reconcile those feelings, and she can see that they both seem to make each other happy, and she doesn't want to break that for either of them. This is a song about defeat.

I keep separating the line "I'm not that girl" from the rest of the verses, and I've been doing that for a reason. The line gets separated by the music as a melodic outlier.

Every part of the song rises and falls. I'm not sure what this is technically called musically, but it's like a ramp or a ski jump. The notes lower slowly, then raise sharply and drop off even more so, as seen above. This matches the song as a whole, which rises and falls in the same way. But consider the following:

This is the only line in the entire song that only descends. It is a line of resignation, as the reality weighs down on our protagonist. Once again, this is a song about someone who does not feel like she deserves love from either Fiyero or Galinda, because of how she was born.

And I will say this again: If you feel like Elphaba here, that you are undeserving of affection, then you are wrong. Everyone is worthy of love, even you.

Final Thoughts

The correct term for this song is "heart wrenching".

While it isn't my favourite in the musical, you will just have to wait and see for that, it is definitely up there, and is one of the few numbers in all of musical theatre that I would classify as a perfect song.

Also, I would not be able to forgive myself if I wrote this post and didn't mention that Steffan Hughes' rendition of I'm Not That Girl is genuinely the most emotionally resonant video on YouTube and it needs more attention than it has.

Next week, I will be looking at One Short Day, so stick around if that interests you.

Previous - Next

[thatlovinfeelin]

Where Do You Go? | two | Bradley Rooster Bradshaw

Your husband died in a training accident, unexpectedly. So what happens when you find yourself leaning on his best friend and wingman, Rooster Bradshaw?

Part One

For the second time in two weeks, someone knocked on your door. Today you really didn’t want to see anyone. It was your wedding anniversary. Today, instead of being sad, you were angry. The kind of deep anger that just seemed to keep boiling under the surface, waiting to burst free. 

Rooster once again stood on the other side of the door, pizza boxes in hand. He gave you a small smile when you opened the door, which quickly dropped when he saw your face. He started to regret just showing up at your doorstep for a second time. 

“What are you doing here?” You questioned, shifting on your feet, “With pizza?”

“I just-” He took a deep breath, “I didn’t think you needed to be alone today, and I figured you wouldn’t ask anyone to come over. I also figured that you probably haven’t eaten anything, so I brought dinner.”

“Why are you really here?” 

He sighed, shoulders dropping, “Because I promised him I would take care of you if anything happened, and so far I’ve failed him.”

It was your turn to sigh. You weren’t the only one who grieved the loss of your husband, you knew that. But sometimes it was just easier to act like you were the only one who missed him. You lived with him and loved him and planned on having his children and spending the rest of your life with him. But Rooster was like his brother. His grief might be different from yours, but he was still grieving too. 

“You can come in,” You step back, opening the door for him, “I was going to watch a movie to try to take my mind off of things. Just hadn’t picked one out yet.”

He followed you to the living room. You spent many nights here with Rooster and Kurtis. Kurt would have Rooster over for dinner at least once a month. You’d have game nights together. You couldn’t count the amount of times the two men made you laugh so hard that you cried.

The house seemed so full of light and life then, now it just feels dark and cold.

“There are a bunch of movies under the tv,” You told him, pointing to the entertainment center, “You can pick one. I’d probably end up playing his favorite and crying the whole time.”

He nods, reaching the entertainment center. You don’t look back as you grab the plates out of one of the cabinets, catching a glimpse of your small tattoo on your wrist as you did. You had matching ones with Kurtis, got them the day you were married. It was his idea to get them during the reception, a simple fine line tattoo consisting of your wedding date. 

Now it was the worst kind of reminder.

Part of you just wants to scrub it off, if only you could. You wouldn’t have it removed though, not when it’s one of the only things left to tie you to him. One of the only reminders that he was real, and alive, and loved you. 

Rooster fell asleep during the movie, so did you. You dreamed of your wedding, the beautiful white dress that still hangs in the back of your closet, and the flowers, and the way Kurtis looked at you all day. It was the perfect day with the perfect man. You loved him with all of your heart, and you thought nothing would ever really separate the two of you. You never thought death would actually come. 

Rooster woke to the sound of glass smashing and breaking. He shot straight up, eyes needing to adjust to the now dark living room. He heard you grunt before more smashing. He lept to his feet, rushing towards the hall. 

You let out a small scream before ripping another picture off of the wall and throwing it at the floor, causing the frame to break and glass to spray everywhere. Shards were stuck in your feet and legs. You didn’t seem to notice though, not as you threw another picture down at the floor. 

Bradley tried to make his way towards you, glass crunching under his feet. You fought against his hold, trying to break free. Sobs fell from your lips as more glass lodged into your skin. 

“Hey hush,” He tried to soothe you, holding you tightly, “I’ve got you. Okay? Just calm down.”

“He’s gone,” You cried, arms still flailing, “He’s gone and I can’t…I can’t do this without him.”

Rooster’s body went cold before he picked you up in one swift motion. He didn’t say anything as he carried you to the bathroom and set you on the counter. You kept crying, unable to stop. 

This was the first time you really allowed yourself to feel the loss of your husband. You could finally feel the anger and the complete emptiness that seems to be taking over your entire body. You wanted to hit something-anything really. You wanted to feel the pain. 

Maybe that’s why the glass didn’t bother you the way it should. Somehow, you liked the sting, because it gave you something else to focus on. Something other than the pain of losing him.

“I gotta get the glass out,” Rooster said softly, digging in the cabinet for the first aid kit that Kurtis always kept around, “It’s gonna hurt.”

“I don’t care.”

Your voice was deadpan, cold and empty. It made Rooster worry, and he wasn’t one to worry all that much. He was careful, yes, and maybe cautious, but that was the extent of it. 

He sighed and reached for a pair of tweezers in the box, deciding to start with the larger pieces of glass. He had a bottle of rubbing alcohol next to him, ready to clean your wounds. Your heart ached because of how gentle he was being with you. 

“Why was it him?” 

He shook his head, “I don’t know. It could have been any of us.”

“Did he say anything?”

“Only that he loved you,” He replied, pulling out another chunk of glass, “That was the last thing he said, he wanted me to tell you that he loved you.”

You could hardly breathe. His last words were for you, and only you. He loved you, and he died with that on his lips. Nothing else. It hurt. Was he scared? God, you hoped he didn’t die scared. For weeks you’ve had the same nightmare about the accident, and how scared he must have been.

“He didn’t deserve it,” Rooster explained, “He was a good man, one of the best.”

When you didn’t say anything, Rooster went back to work on your legs. They weren’t too bad, but some of the cuts might scar a little. He didn’t think they would be bad though, nothing like his own scars. He always swore his scars were the worst part of himself, but you always said the opposite. You made him feel like he was worth more than he saw. 

“This is going to sting a bit,” He told you, looking up briefly, “I need to clean them out.”

You flinched a little but didn’t otherwise move. Rooster wished he could get through to you. He wished there was something he could do to fix the ache in your chest. He watched his mom go through this, but was never sure if it was made better or worse because she had him. You were doing this alone though. You had no one on your side, no one with you day in and day out.

He could be that for you. If it meant that you would be okay, he would be there for you. He would keep his promise to Kurtis. The promise he made on this day all of those years ago. He promised if anything ever happened, he would take care of you. So far, he failed in his promise. He wouldn’t keep doing that. 

“My mom had me,” he explained, “Maybe I made it easier, maybe I made it harder. But she had me, and you don’t have anyone here for you. So, from now on, you have me too. You get me? I’m here.”

“I should have him here.”

He nodded slowly, “You should. But I promise you, I’ll do the best I can.”

[ananke-xiii]

Although I mainly see the first six episodes of s13 as an engaging portrayal of two giref-stricken people lacking the tools to deal with what has happened to them, I can also totally see them as the so-called "widower arc". Two things can be true at the same time because yes, Dean was totally grieving Cas' death. But I'll make it worse for you.

Maybe I'm biased by the many times I've read the term "widower arc" but Dean was 100% looking for a consort in Cas in s12 (yes, "consort", I'm tired of "partner" or "boy/girlfriend", they're weak terms, give me "sharing destiny" type of old words) so I think this interpretation is not so far-fetched.

We have a grieving widow(er), a desired consort who's dead and then resurrects and a son who's been defined as "the rising son". As I've already said these are some of the elements of one of the most ancient myths in Western culture, that is the myth of Isis and Osiris.

Now, of course it was not a retelling of that myth, I don't even think it was a conscious effort to shape the story that way but sometimes symbols will be symbols, what can you do?

First of all, two brothers: Set and Osiris and Lucifer and Cas. We know how it goes, one brother kills the other (As an aside in one version Set built a wooden chest and tricked Osiris to enter into it just to seal it and drown it in the Nile. We have totally NEVER seen this image in Supernatural. Not even ONCE).

Things get very interesting from here on because in the myth there's a lot of focus on the body of the deceased brother, Osiris/Cas. The most famous way Set disposed of his brother's corpse was to cut it into pieces, to... tear him apart if you will. It is then kinda WILD that AU!Michael kills "his" Lucifer the same way:

MIchael: I killed my Lucifer. Tore him apart in the skies over Abilene. But hey, can’t get enough of a good thing.

Apparently, the body must be somehow intact for resurrection to happen. In the myth Isis has to find his husband's bodyparts scattered all over Egypt in order to resurrect him. So we need to pay extra close attention to Cas' body which we are actually shown in that tragic scene where Dean prepares him for the pyre. So it's Dean who takes care of Cas' body, who "collects" it, just like Isis. Interesting.

In SPN "What gets burned stays dead", therefore Cas cannot resurrect, or so they think. The mantra is repeated by Jack in "Tombstone" when he first sees his father. To be honest, we don't really know how Cas resurrects. For the first time we see what happens to him between death and rebirth but we miss the technicalities. We can only assume that Cas' ashes were enough. Or maybe, just maybe, that's just a rule that applies in Chuck's story. Just saying.

I'm not sure if they try to discover how Jack managed to do that but the point remains: it was Jack who woke Cas up in the Empty.

And why did he do that? Well, because he can. The very first thing that Jack does is resurrecting Kelly in an episode aptly named "The Future", where Jack is sort of introduced via his mother's resurrection. He doesn't know how to use this power but he unconsciously does it again with his father. And I ask again: why?

Jack wakes Cas up in "The Big Empty", four episodes into the season. He could've done it sooner? No. Because what prompts him to unconsciously act is Dean's grief. And Dean reaches his boiling point when Sam finally provokes him. Osiris/Cas dies and his consort Isis/Dean is inconsolable. Other people like Sam can forget about it, but Dean can't in every sense of the verb.

In the myth it's Isis who resurrects Osiris and has a child, Horus, with him. But she got help. Dean's only human but there is a demi-god running around in his bunker so I think that helped. And Cas must be credited for the effort and the pushing.

Let's just say that resurrecting Castiel took three, actually four people okay? It required a team effort. Because none of them is a fully-fledged god like God or Amara or some Archangel who can just snap their fingers and boom welcome back to Life. Coaxing someone into resurrection (a resurrection with consent) takes a lot of willpower... and a lot of love.

I said four people because the last character in this little story is The Shadow. And we see this in the myth as well!

Isis doesn't "just" resurrect Osiris, she has to convince the motherfucker. Cause, you see, Osiris's heart was tired. A tired heart! Oh so beautiful! He didn't see the reason to go back to life. He was sooo tired. Isis has to literally seduce him back to life. And... this is kind of what The Shadow does, but in reverse? It tells Castiel to go back to sleep, to find peace, it's been in his mind and he wants to sleep, it knows!

The Shadow is Cas' tiredness, all his failures and regrets. But, as I said, it takes a lot of willpower and a lot of love to resurrect the dead, this is what Isis teaches us actually. To love more and then some more. And Cas loves back and he loves hard.

Castiel: You can prance and you can preen and you can scream and yell and remind me of my failings but somehow, I’m awake. And I will stay awake and I will keep you awake until we both go insane. I will fight you. Fight you and fight you for…ever. For eternity.

He didn't come back because he annoyed an ancient cosmic being. He came back because he loved.

So Osiris/Cas are back to life and that's good, right? Well... yeahhh. The thing is that Osiris will then live in the world of the dead so he kinda doesn't really really stay alive for long. And Isis will follow him. Things will likely go bad for Cas.

But the story continues!

Set/Lucifer and Horus/Jack engage in a rather disturbing (in the myth) struggle for power. The myth has different endings: in one they reconcile, in another they divide the realm, in yet another one Horus is the one true winner. So we don't really know (from this point in the narrative) how things will actually turn out for the two of them.

Isn't it interesting? Well, it's not surprising because there is a connection between christian stories and greek and egyptian ones but still? Kinda cool to see how myths keep repeating and repeating. As if we're still trying to understand them.

Anyway: yes to the widower arc, yes to love piercing through the veil of death. Both ways! It takes the love of two to resurrect.

[ensignsimp]

Could you do headcanons for Andorian courting/mating practices? Maybe specifically something for Tholos or Shran trying to court a reader who’s completely oblivious to Andorian courting traditions and so is painfully oblivious to his attempts to woo her?

"Miscommunication" ENT Thy'lek Shran x Fem! Reader (1/2)

A/N: I had to do a lot of research for this character because I have not watched Star Trek Enterprise. Thankfully, a friend let me borrow their box set.

A/N+: *Usha-shan is a made-up term for mating display/duel. I also posted a Weird Kinky HC for this as well to help give some context.

TW: Mature Themes

You had strange things been happening to you for weeks. The Andorians would constantly "run into" the Enterprise on more than one occasion. This was becoming more of an issue due to the frequency. However, Archer couldn't pass up an opportunity for diplomacy.

The only problem for you really was Shran. He always seemed insistent on having you join him and the other senior officers for meetings. Other times he would have you come aboard his ship for some long menial chore. At one point he invited you to a late-night briefing only to find a diner for two.

It was getting on your nerves at some points, but like Archer you wanted to be accommodating and diplomatic. You were unsure if Shran was trying to do the same. After your latest run-ins with Shran, you would return to your quarters to find a variety of strange gifts.

The first time it happened Shran presented you with a beautiful Andorian gemstone necklace. The second time you were gifted with a large container of fresh vegetables, fruits, and meat, that you promptly gifted to Cook. Then on the most recent visit, you returned to a room filled with furs and silks.

You would try to talk to him about it on his next visit. It usually didn't take long for him to come back around. However, this visit seemed different. He would try to avoid you as much as possible. He would speak with Captain Archer in whispers. He would try not to look at you in corridors. He would sometimes go in the opposite direction when he saw you. It made you believe that whatever he was trying to do was over. You just hoped you didn't insult him.

Shran felt nervous asking Archer for such a favor but he didn't know who else to trust. He had gained affection for one of his crew so it was only fair he asked him for assistance. He had tried everything to win you over, but it seemed as if you had no idea what he was trying to tell you. This made his blood boil when you ignored him, but it made him want you even more.

He walked into Archer's office, slammed his hands down on his desk, and looked him squarely in the eyes. "I need your help."

Archer looked confused, "Now what?" He sounded a little too sarcastic for his liking.

"I need to impress one of your crewmen. I wish to take them as a mate." Shran loudly whispered, afraid that any passers-by might hear him.

Archer raised his eyebrows shocked that he, Commander Shran of the Imperial Guard, would fall in love with a human being. He had several questions running through his mind, "Who?"

Shran let out a sigh, "It's Ensign (L/N)." He straightened up and put his hands behind his back, "I have tried to win their affection, however, they don't seem to notice."

"I have gifted them rare jewels, and silks, and provided them a vast array of resources yet they elect to ignore me." He said his antenna leaning back. "That is why I must show them that I am worthy of their attention."

He reached into his uniform jacket and pulled out a pad. "This is a detailed record of the *Usha-shan, a display of one's strength and vitality."

"I'm not going to have to try and kill you again am I?" Archer groaned a little taking the pad.

"That is not required." Shran laughed, "Though I think presenting them your head would be as appealing."

After explaining *Usha-shan to Archer, he agreed as long as no one would get killed. Shran was hopeful, he had not been in a duel like this for a while but he was hopeful about his prospects. Archer had no interest in winning you over so if that meant he would have the upper hand. For him, nothing could go wrong.

[thisisntreaver]

okay so first of all I want to say that I have absolutely no intention of starting any kind of fight and everyone is fully entitled to their own opinions.

and second of all let me comment on the state of things in fandom spaces that make me feel like that disclaimer was necessary before actually sharing my opinion

but I never really saw Theresa as evil or 100% selfish or anything? I do feel like she actually means well? we know she can see the future, but it's never really explicit how detailed it is and what she does and doesn't see? unless I missed that somewhere.

the way I thought about the whole logan and hobw thing was that she knew that there were only so many ways it was possible for Albion to survive, and she told logan this, but he reacted to the information by becoming the tyrant he did. so then you step up to tske his place, and you're faced with some of the same choices he is. kind of like she can see the different paths there are, and tries to steer people in a certain direction, but she can't force anyone to make a specific decision.

it's like 2 am for me so this might not be all that coherent but the whole thing boils down to this; I think Theresa does know shit about the future, but she doesn't know or forsee everything. so she tries to make certain things come to pass and to prevent others, but sometimes there are still outcomes she couldn't have predicted.

sidenote, which I think is also why she wants the spire, because then she can have greater control and accuracy in her visions

I didn't take this as you wanting to fight, but I do love a good discussion so thats why this reply is kind lengthy. You're also fully entitled to your own opinion on this but this is why I view Theresa the way I do.

So the thing is you are right in your last paragraph. Thats why she wants the spire, she all but says it to us in the see the future dlc, for her visions to be more accurate and have more of a reach.

That is an inherently selfish want though, as much as she tries to justify it, it wasn't a necessity. In order to get it she takes Luciens grief for his wife and child and twists it whispering to him to push him over the edge to be willing to do anything to get them back.

Then she goes and manipulates Rose into buying the music box so that she and sparrow get called to the castle. Rose is very realistic, she says that they could eat for a week, which would be monumental for them, and Theresa fires back with "and at the end of that week you won't be any closer to your dream of being in the castle." She uses Roses childish fantasies against her and it gets her killed.

In only two actions shes absolutely decimated Lucien as a person by taking advantage of his mental state at the lowest point in his life, and pushes Rose to her death by putting it in her head that this music box can change her life.

With Logan and by extension HOBW I do think its a bit more complicated. At that point she could see all the possibilities. She told Logan flat out that the darkness was coming to Albion, immediately after he watched al his men die by the Crawler. It makes him paranoid, and he goes down the tyrant path because he doesn't know what to do, and she isn't really helping him. Then with HOBW she over corrects and doesn't tell them anything, gives them not even the smallest bit of information about the darkness so that they focus all their feelings on Logan, and think hes just evil for no reason, then drops a bomb on them about the darkness. When the hobw is upset about that she tells them "I told you what you needed to know" or in the case you choose to execute Logan and HOBW upset about that she says "well that was your choice."

She is steering people in certain directions. The ones she deems correct with very little thought in how it effects them or what they would do without her input.

Theresas not evil, but she is selfish. She doesn't tell anything she thinks could harm her cause, she manipulates others for her own needs, and she justifys it by saying its fo the good of Albion. But Fable 2 wouldn't have gone the way it does without her initial inferences, and Fable 3 wouldn't have happened at all if she hadn't made the decision that she wanted the spire and that Albion needed it.

[iguessitsjustme]

Jack o' Frost Ep 5 & 6 Thoughts

I think you guys were playing a prank on me telling me to watch this show. Was that what happened? Is this payback for all of my cruel polls? Did I deserve this? It’s fine. It’s fine. I am going to try my best to enjoy the final two episodes. Because I need to. THERE IS GOOD IF I JUST LOOK FOR IT and ignore the very bad things. It’s fine. Time to watch:

I don’t blame Ritsu for being hurt by Mr. Lyingface but also why is his response complete and utter avoidance? My guy. Go confront him. Make him own up to his actions. Then you two can talk it out. Or not. It’s not your fault he withheld this from you. But your response to learning about it is not great either.

I don’t care about what’s happening right now but I am VIBING with this music. Guitar and strings? Excellent.

Oh no music went away booooo.

If even the ex boyfriend is like “y’all…need to talk” then perhaps forcing the relationship isn’t a good idea and you should both give yourselves a break. A chance to move on with your lives and be happy.

Wow. Okay. This is a conversation that should have been had before you got to this point of anger my guy. My dude. If Ritsu has been constantly flaking on you and forgetting your dates, this needed to be brought up not in a fit of anger on his birthday. Is Ritsu wrong for it? Absolutely. Should he be making adjustments to make sure he doesn’t flake on you? Yes. Was this the proper response to it happening? No. In this situation they both suck. But I think yelling at Ritsu, on his birthday, while he’s drunk, was not it. Has he even brought it up before? Based on his earlier conversation with Tomoko, I’m gonna say no. That he waited until it reached his boiling point and he exploded. Which is not a productive way to solve issues.

And now Ritsu is acting like a petulant child. Am I supposed to want these two together? Nope. Not unless they get counseling.

Dude. Listen. As someone who is also bad at talking about how I feel…you cannot be this way in a relationship. You just can’t. You have to be willing to compromise and talk about it even a little bit. Otherwise you will not have a relationship. It will either blow up like your relationship with Ritsu did. Or it will fizzle out. If you want something that lasts you have to be willing to open up when you’re hurting. It hurts the other person more if you don’t.

Gotta pause. My coworker is sending memes in the group chat.

Ritsu is right. He can’t fix his behavior if he isn’t told he’s hurting Mr. Lyingface. He can’t reflect on it if he doesn’t know. This goes for before and after the amnesia as well. Do I think he should have to be told to stop flaking on his boyfriend? No. He should try to make sure he’s making time for him BUT sometimes when people get busy, they don’t realize what they’re doing or who they’re ignoring. I have been in both positions of being ignored and doing the ignoring and I gotta say. It’s very easy to not realize you’re ignoring someone. It hurts so, so incredibly bad to be ignored by someone who you love so dearly, but sometimes they just…don’t realize. I say this as someone who shuts down when hurt. I also say this as someone who had someone blow up at me the way Mr. Lyingface blew up at Ritsu. Guess who I don’t talk to anymore. And this is someone I loved a lot. I miss her so much. She remains a part of me. I can’t erase her from me any more than I can erase one of my limbs attached to my body. But in the end, we could not communicate. The same way these two can’t communicate. These two should not be together. They just should not be. It is not fair to either of them if neither can compromise. Sometimes it is best to acknowledge the love. To know it happened. And then to let it go. Keep the memories in your heart and in your soul. But give yourself the grace to find happiness without them.

Anyway time for episode 6 and then I can move on to my next binge of the day.

He’s running again. Ugh the cardio. Maybe I should go on a jog. It’s been awhile.

Fluffy pancakes…mmmmmmmm. Gimme.

SAILBOAT

I forgive everything. This show gave me a sailboat.

I’m indifferent to these two but this MUSIC. Has me in a chokehold.

They’re gonna fuck on that couch again.

Last time they did that, they broke up immediately after.

Well. That���s a show I watched. I hope you guys liked my liveblog. I had fun. Well I had fun liveblogging. This was not my favorite show but it also wasn’t the worst? I hope those two get couples therapy or they will not last. They never really resolved their issues. But I do enjoy writing out my thoughts as I watch things. I will liveblog something else later. Maybe another show from my poll? We’ll see.

[nuklearis-sutotok]

Customer Service Tips For The Neurodivergent (And Everyone Else)

So I was thinking about some of the things that made patrons start asking for me, or why people started asking for advice, not just in the last seven years as a librarian but also before that in media services, and what I observed of my colleagues when interactions would go wrong, and why they went wrong, and I realized it boils down to two things really and if it will help anyone, I am going to put them under the cut here:

Now the first one don't panic on because I'm going to explain it, but it comes down to tone and body language.

A large majority of people I have noticed have at some point mistaken a condescending tone of voice for a soothing one, and have unfortunately taken it up as a habit. People don't like this. The second they think they are being condescended is the second the situation escalates. Some people do it mistakenly from working with children a lot, don't do this with children either, they hate it.

The first thing you are going to do is listen to yourself until it becomes habit in your work persona. If the situation is going well, you are going to as they say "keep it real." You are allowed to have a bad day, your patrons are going to think it's weird and inhuman of you if you don't, they understand this. What you are not going to do is project that, you don't always have to smile these days for most places, take a drink, count to ten, relax your shoulders, keep your manner casual, be yourself as much as you think you can. They appreciate authenticity. Most will meet you in the middle if the effort is made.

Now, say the situation is going badly... The first thing you need to realize is that it isn't about you. This patron has a million and one things on their plate, they are worried about this, that, and the other thing and they don't know you but whatever they have going with your place of business just happens to be the last straw. Here's what you are going to do. You are going to let that anger slip right by you, it isn't personal, it probably isn't even about the situation. You are going to drop your voice. Do NOT make it quieter, but make it softer, do not condescend them, do not, not even with children. People do not want to be condescended, they want to be heard. You are going to be direct, and calm. You are going to ask what is wrong, what can we do to help, use "we" if you can remember to, and you are going to listen in full. Ask any clarification questions you need to. IF the situation is something you cannot address by yourself you are going to do one of two things. "Hold on a moment, let me get someone who can help you with that who deals with these sorts of situations," professional, assures them someone who has dealt with this is coming to help them, OR, "Let me get you the card/e-mail/phone number of my supervisor, please reach out to them so they can help you with this." Again, same thing. If it is something that violates policy, you can state or show them the policy, 9 our of 10 times they won't want to read it and will take your word for it, sometimes they will ask for someone to contact, they may even leave mad, but the situation is diffused and now in their hands.

IF, it is something you can help them with, here is what you are going to do, you are going to state their options clearly, we can address this in A, B, C, manner, which works best for you?" This does a couple of things, it gives them all of the options if there is any, gives them a clear direction which pulls them out of their panic, and it places them in a spot of empowerment. You gave them what they needed, and you did it nicely.

This also works in teaching moments.

Say, for example, a patron comes in with things they need to do, they don't know how to use a computer, they are panicked, upset, and most of the time they are going to tell you they are illiterate/stupid/etc. Do not reinforce that. You are instead going to say something like "Oh, let me show you how to do that" (again, if you can't, find someone who can). If they are in a hurry they may have you do it, flustered and aggravated, let their anger go, fix the issue, most of the time they will come back and thank you and ask for you to show them how at a later date. They will remember. It's okay. If they are not in a hurry, then the best thing is for them to do it with you walking them through. If they are too upset they may have you show them the first time, this is okay too. Go slow, answer questions. What they have really told you above is "I need to do this thing, I don't know how to do it, I'm scared." For most people this is what it boils down to. Walk them through it the first time, do not say "I'm proud of you," that's cheesy, say something like "There you go! You got it!" Linger or have them do it a second time, reaffirming their actions or correcting if they stumble. Then you are going to ask them if they got it from here, if they have any questions. If they say they think they got it, then you go one step further... Tell them that you or your coworker, or whoever will be on hand will be at the desk/wherever should they have any further questions or need anything. Again, this diffuses their panic, empowers them, and then turns around and assures them that if they run into trouble they've got the help they need.

If you are not making yourself understood, stop and either take the metaphors out or throw them in, use other words, others terms, and it that doesn't work, say something like "Hey, maybe my coworker here can explain it better than I can." This happens, people understand this, people understand things differently, learn different, most people will get it.

If they are leaving, assure them they can return or give the business a call if they need something in the future.

Here is where it will get a little odd because those really grumpy patrons? They're going to start talking to you in your interactions, quite often they will start being a little pleasanter because you've put a dent in their jaded viewpoint of customer service. They may still not be so nice but they will start offering random advice or whatever else, this is them trying to reach out, try to reach back, and you'll both walk away a little better.

So, here is the thing... Keep it casual, try to soothe but not condescend in stressful situations, try and make a little small talk with regulars "Oh, I liked this book," or "Have you tried this cheese in pasta?" or "Have you heard of our app?" or some other such thing, empower your patrons, and that's it really.... Too many people see the job as just a job and the patrons become tasks instead of human beings, but they are human beings, and things go smoother when we remember that. People are just people and kids are just kids.

It doesn't matter what is going on, yelling, robbery, whatever... The calmer you are the better the outcome is going to be. If you're being robbed, give them the money and follow directions, the clearer headed you are, the less likely you are to do something stupid that is going to cost someone, the less likely a situation is going to escalate.

[morrisxn02]

✍︎ @freddiekolbeck

When he was 15, Edward made a bet against himself that he could read The Brothers Karamazov. It was one of those silly little gambles that self-conceited teenagers make to prove to themselves that they really are that smart. Long story short, after two long months, Eddie finished the book and was left feeling rather frustrated at the end. Not only because he did not understand a great portion of the novel (turns out, 15-year-olds are not the most equipped audience to comprehend the nuances of a 19th-century Russian epic), but he also kind of wished there was more. A follow-up.

And that was how their last conversation ended. The epilogue of a novel that demanded a sequel. Maybe, like with The Brothers Karamazov, that was more his own need for a continuation, than a real narrative necessity. Perhaps, things would be better off bookended. Freddie’s back to him as he walked out. His fatalistic words – I wanted you to be more upset than I was, but that seems to backfire so, let’s just call it a day – left hanging. Forever. But the ones that came right before – You know me better than that. Even at my worst – have haunted him since… What are we even fighting for?, implying that there was something they were fighting for. That their fight wasn’t pointless. Well, it had never been for Edward. But he couldn’t stop thinking about how that meant that there was something in it for Freddie too...

With everything that happened in the days that followed, though, he had no time or energy to think about talking to Freddie again. Greer’s now very likely death, the only thing in his mind, draining him like a black hole.

But a couple of weeks have passed now. The feeling of inertia over the situation finally settling in again. And, with it, a little more mind space to focus on other things that consumed him. Namely, Freddie Kolbeck.

It was easy to ignore it when they were apart – well, not exactly ignore in the sense that he could pretend the thoughts didn’t cross his mind but ignore in the sense that he could push them aside and tell himself that there was nothing he could do about it. Now, with Freddie back at Ogden, where they were bound to cross each other's paths sooner or later, Edward would be possessed by an urge to talk to him, like water simmering in his chest, whenever he saw him around. Sometimes, that simmer reached boiling point. Sometimes, it outright exploded. But other times, it just stayed there, very close to bubbling up, until he found a way to turn the heat down...

This is not one of those times.

Smoking behind one of the arts buildings, silently contemplating nothing, Edward sees him in the distance, making his way toward Waverly. He just watches for a moment. A pace he’d so often have to slow down a little to match – Freddie always complaining that he walked too fast. He shouldn’t go after him. He should let it go. Let it die. Maybe it would be best for the two of them…

He can’t really bring himself to believe that, though. Not when the words still echo in his mind. What are we even fighting for? And, when the doors to Waverly swing open and Freddie disappears inside, Edward lets the simmer boil.

In an instant, he is at Freddie’s door. He doesn’t catch up to him. He doesn’t want to have a conversation in public again and risk it escalating into yet another argument. So, instead, he gives him enough time to enter his dorm before he knocks on the door. And when Freddie opens it, Eddie greets him not with a hello, but with a low, “Can we talk?”