#but i can't with big social medias lately and still want to see art and meet people so hey trying smaller one to see...

[cyellolemon]

Hi i made an account on Sheezy and i honestly don't undertand anything

But if you want to follow me it's right there https://sheezy.art/cyellolemon

[blackopals-world]

I Found Home

(part 1) (part 2) (part 3) (part 4)(Part 6)(Part 7)(Part 8)

Implied relationship

Part 5

Notes: This wasn't supposed to happen yet but I'm working on several chapters at once so this got posted first due to timing. This chapter was meant to go last. (besides I'm not going to pretend that most of you didn't just come here for this guy. I just want to get this over with.)

Malleus

"The Hero"

Grimm wasn't the most social of the kids but he was finally learning how to play with others. From what the child development book says he had a rich imagination and took part in imaginative play with others. He had even shown interest in things like singing and dancing with other kids.

But when art time came Grimm looked upset and yelled at another girl. Yuu had to apologize to the girl and her father. They had an argument which caused Grimm to lose his temper. He wouldn't say what it was about either.

When it was time to go Grimm waited by the car and stared at the crumpled drawing he made in his hands.

"Do you want to talk about what happened?" Yuu asked helping Grimm into his car seat.

Grimm shook his head.

Yuu nodded and decided to leave it alone.

When they got home Grimm went to his room without much fuss. Even bathtime was quiet without his usual crying.

When it was time for bed Grimm still clutched the paper ball.

"Mama?" He asked for her while he was deep in thought.

"Yeah, sweetie?" Yuu pulled the covers over him.

"Where is our family?" Grimm unfurled the pater to reveal a drawing of her and him in crayon.

Yuu's voice was caught in her throat. She wanted to wait until he was older to explain this.

"We are a family." She said simply.

"But Erinn said that families were big like hers. A mommy, daddy, sister, brother, grandma, and grandpa. But I only have a Mommy." Grimm asked confused. "I told Erinn that I only had Mama and she said that we weren't a real family without that. So I got mad."

Yuu knew she had to control her emotions and try to explain but it was getting hard.

"We are a family. All the family we need. Erinn is lucky and has a big family already and she doesn't understand what other families look like." Yuu said stiffly "I'm sorry if I'm not enough. If I could, I would give you the family you deserve but I'm only one person."

Yuu quickly finished saying goodnight before retreating to her room. Tears of frustration blinded her.

It wasn't her fault.

She wanted a family too.

Ever since she returned to her world and old life she had tried to find her place. Friends and family were happy to see her again but they had moved on after years of her absence. Everything familiar was now strange. Then came the questions about where she was and what happened. She couldn't answer, no one would believe her. They turned on her with suspicion and called out her lies. News media caught wind and police had questions as well. Everyone wanted to know but she had no answers.

Rumors were everywhere and even the people who trusted and wanted to help Yuu had mud slung their way. She did what had to do to protect them and left. She escaped as far as she could to a place where no one knew her. She wrote her books in solitude and kicked out everyone who tried to profit from her newfound fame.

Conspiracy theorists and true crime fans still hounded her but she had a life where she could be in relative peace.

She had a son now and could live a normal life. Wasn't that enough? Can't she live her life?

Yuu cried for herself, for her son, for their future.

"Are you sure we shouldn't wait until tomorrow, your Majesty? Yuu may be asleep by now." Silver asked pushing aside the foliage with a ball of light he cased in the other.

"Of course, my child of man has always stayed up late in the night. She is undoubtedly awake." Malleus said proudly leaving Sebek and Silver to clear the way. Trails of Will o'-Wisps marked their path to find their way back.

Lilia flew above the group as he enjoyed the scenery. He seemed even more relaxed these days. Silver and Sebek had finally taken over their roles as captains of the royal guards. Malleus was firmly established himself as the ruling king and let his dear grandmother retire to her castle on the coast. She was certainly enjoying the sun in her scales.

Malleus had been hard at work revitalizing his kingdom. Bringing his kingdom into the current Era took effort but he had reached out to Shroud's heir for his assistance. Now the youth of his kingdom had new jobs to look forward to and new citizens had begun to move into their land. Malleus had also reached out to over classmates and found their help invaluable.

Kingscholar and Viper had been invaluable political partners and expanded trade between their lands. Rosehearts had joined him in laying out new laws compatible with technological developments. Ashengrotto had great knowledge of how to take advantage of natural resources in the area. Schoenheit offered assistance in starting an entertainment business hub like filming to take advantage of the vista.

Malleus had developed strong friendships with each of them but none of them could compare to the one that changed his life. Something they all agreed on.

"This place is so nice. So many stars but you can still see the city lights in the far distance. Are we close to the shore?" Lilia couldn't wait to visit another world and go touring with Yuu. His boys may be reserved to just seeing her but he had plans.

"The terrain is dangerous. It's rocky and likely has many dangerous creatures lurking about. How that human can stand being so much peril is beyond me." Sebek huffed.

Silver shook his head and ignored his co-captain.

As the group journeyed through the forest they noticed a small sound break up the buzzing of cicadas. Small sniffles and whimpers echoed and wrapped around the trees.

Lilia as if sensing a child's distress told the group to be quiet as he tracked down the whining.

Tucked into a hollow at the base of a tree a small boy huddled with a stuffed cat clutched to his body for dear life. The poor child cried for no one but himself.

As the group got closer they lit up wisp light around the area. The soft light alerted the boy as he drew closer.

"Hey, there. What are you doing out here so late?" Lilia crouched down to the boy's level to not scare him. "You should be at home."

The boy shook his head.

"You're parents are probably looking for you." Silver said.

"I can't. I'm bad." The boy rubbed his red puffy eyes.

"You're bad?" Malleus asked holding out his hand to Silver who immediately grabbed Sebek and grabbed a handkerchief from the half-fae's pocket. He then gave it to his king.

Lilia took the handkerchief and held it up to the boy's nose and told him to blow his nose. (Crying gets very messy with kids his age and makes it hard for them to breathe with clogged sinuses. Not mention kids have a hard time blowing their nose on their own at a young age.)

The boy wrinkled his face as Lilia cleaned his stuffy nose with practiced ease. The boy tried to weakly fend him off the same way any child does when you try to clean a smudge off their cheek with your thumb. Once he was freed and cleaned up he finally responded.

"I'm a bad boy. I made Mama cry. She said cus of me." He said remorseful.

"Why don't you just say sorry then?" Sebek said tactlessly.

Silver elbowed him and the crocodile shrugged with an expression that said 'What do you want me to say! I'm right!"

"Because I always make Mama cry. Mama is always sad. So I'm going back so I can't make her sad again." He said defiantly.

He was going to help his mother even if he wasn't going to be with her.

"Where are you going?" Malleus asked kneeling beside Lilia.

The boy looked that Malleus's horns with wonder.

"Mama found me here in these woods. But she told me a story of a dragon that lived far in the woods. The dragon was nice and helped the lost princess so I want to find him and ask him to help Mama." The boy sounded really proud of his plan.

"A quest. What a brave boy you are." Lilia ruffled the boy's hair. The boy tried to dodge but failed.

"Hey, are you the dragon?" The boy asked pointing at Malleus's horns.

"I'm a dragon-fae. The king in fact." Malleus responded.

"And you can help my Mama? With your magic? Can you take her nightmares?" The boy asked pleading.

"I will try to help if you lead us to her." Malleus wanted to see Yuu again but he knew he had to help this child first. Reuniting this family was more important right now than petty wants.

Yuu couldn't sleep. She just needed the check. Maybe she was excessive but she just worried. Almost every night she would cheak on Grimm, just in case. She just need to see he was alive and breathing.

Some times she just had nightmares where he...

The parenting manuals said that this was perfectly normal. Her fears were natural and these impulses were a product of evolution and prevention of S.I.Ds.

Wait is there a cut-off point for S.I.Ds? Could Grimm still get it?

Yuu took a deep breath, she just needed to see him.

Yuu opened the door quietly to find...an empty bed.

"Grimm?" Yuu called out.

She began checking the bathroom in case he needed to go potty...nothing.

She checked the kitchen in case he wanted water...nothing.

The living room, The study, her bedroom, the attic, the garage

Nothing, nothing , nothing, nothing, nothing, NOTHING!

Yuu searched everywhere as she rushed outside and called for him. Soon the hysteria kicked in as she banged on her neighbors' doors. Frantically she gathered people to help her find her son.

The group was no less enthusiastic to help as they treated the boy like a little hero on a quest. Unfortunately, this hero was very tired and needed to be carried by the dragon king. Lilia was desperate to have his turn but the bat was way too energetic right now.

Lilia was secretly praying that Yuu lived with children so he could play with them.

Grimm was fascinated with Malleus. He studied the dragon's horns, eyes and fangs.

"Mama said the dragon was best friends with the lost princess. Is that true?" Grimm asked touching Malleus's sharp ears.

Malleus let the boy explore as he thought of a response.

"I cared deeply for a friend who was far from home. She was my best friend."

"What was she like? I like the princess most." Grimm said cheerfully.

"The princess, I mean she was beautiful like any princess. But she was better. She was kind and selfless. She made friends everywhere she went." As Malleus said this little fingers pulled at his lips to get a better look at his teeth.

"She's so cool. I wish I could meet her."

Malleus quickly handed the child off to Sebek. Sebek received no better treatment as the boy pulled on his ears and cheeks. He has pincer-like fingers and speed.

Lilia laughed. Silver was the same way.

Sebek practically tossed Grimm to Silver to deal with. Sliver was fine with Grimm but Lilia's silent pleading made him hand the boy over.

Almost immediately Grimm was asleep as Lilia rocked the boy to sleep. The group sighed in relief.

"So," Sliver spoke up only for a chorus of 'Shh' to stop him. He was just going to ask about the stuffed cat that looked exactly like Grim. Or the fact that his name was Grimm. Just him? Okay.

But the blissful silence didn't last as sirens and shouting were heard.

"Grimm?! Grimm?!" Voices shouted as groups of people searched for the boy.

Safe to say his mother was looking for him.

The group managed to dodge the cops as the found a familiar young woman still wrapped in her night clothes shouting Grimm's name. Bright searchlights haloed around her.

"Yuu?!" Malleus called out as soon as he saw her.

The woman squinted to see through the lights before she gasped. She quietly scrambled through the foliage. She had trouble due to still being in her house shoes, she couldn't even think of changing when her son was missing.

"Mal?" She called trying to see if she was hallucinating.

"Malleus please, you have to help me. My son, he's gone." Yuu begged her hand clutched over her chest.

Malleus didn't know how to respond at first. No words would help. The only thing to ease her is her child.

Lilia came forward and handed the sleeping boy back into his mother's arms.

Yuu's eyes lit up with unimaginable joy like finally breathing after unending suffocation. She fell to her knees as she held him close to her.

"My baby. My sweet baby." She mumbled pressing kisses to his head as tears of relief flowed down her cheeks. "Thank you. Thank you."

The situation took time to clean up as everyone was alerted that Grimm was found. Everyone sighed in relief and returned home. Except for that crotchety old woman next door. Yuu would expect a strongly worded letter soon.

The reunion wasn't what anyone expected but Yuu was no less grateful to her friends.

When they explained the situation, Yuu's eyes dimmed.

"I see, it's my fault." She sighed.

"He was just trying to help you. He doesn't know any better." Sebek rolled his eyes.

"That's the point. He's a child, he doesn't know any better. It's my responsibility not to make him feel responsible for my emotions. He should never see his mother cry. I tried to hid it." Yuu berated herself.

"Yuu, from one parent to another you need to hear this. It's hard, it's always going to be hard, but you're doing great." Lilia said gently pulling Yuu into a hug.

All the stress she had been carrying since she assumed her role as parent bubbles to the surface. All this time she had been carrying the heavy weight of expectations and constantly questioned herself. Everytime she got something wrong she panicked. Every crying fit and scraped knee she blamed on herself. Judging herself based on every parenting manual and blog she read. It all came to the surface.

She felt like she was going to break into pieces.

Suddenly another pair of arms wrapped around her then another and reluctantly another.

This was what she needed. Reassurance.

"Who dares intrude upon my lair." Lilia cackled wrapped in a black blanket.

"I do! Grimm the dragon prince!" Grimm stood proudly over Sebek's(slain in battle, r.i.p) body with a plastic sword in hand.

Grimm had taken to wearing a pair of fake ram horns and pretending to be a dragon recently.

Yuu raised an eyebrow as she drank her tea.

"If you wish to save the princess you must face my minions!" Lilia said waving a hand and sending Silver out to duel with the boy.

"Don't worry! I have my own minions! Go dragon king!Save the princess!" Grimm said sawing his hand this time.

Yuu snorted and held back her laughter as she looked up from her notepad.

Malleus of course assisted as he pretended to battle Lilia.

"Mal are you a king or a minion?" Yuu laughed.

"Are you a princess or are you just wearing a cone hat?" Malleus retorted.

"You've become more sassy with age. Now hurry up and save me." Yuu pouted taking off the pink cone hat.

Malleus picked up Yuu in a princess carry as Grimm cheered.

"My heros~" Yuu giggled as she wrapped her arms around Malleus's neck.

"Where too now my dear princess?"Malleus asked.

"To the study my stead!" She shouted.

Sebet tried to say something before Silver kicked him from their downed position.

"I'm a stead now, am I?" Malleus teased as he carried her off.

Grimm payed no mind. Grandpa Lilia said that they need space. The boy instead leapt onto his uncles who grunted as the air was forced from their lungs.

Upstairs Malleus placed Yuu on her desk chair as she began typing out her new book.

"Finally designed on a name for it?" Malleus asked resting his head on her shoulder.

"Yep, The Lost Prince and the Dragon King"

"Hmm, I like it."

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[stil-lindigo]

hello lindi! i've been following you since you were starting out pulse, and it's been an honour to see you grow both as an artist and as a person⏤the way you approach sociopolitical issues with strength and optimism is simply incredible, and it teaches me a lot about my relationship with activism as well.

in that vein, i wanted to ask a question. on twitter, i've seen people asking others to completely cut down on posting personal art or about special interests and focus 100% on talking about palestine for the whole week. while i am doing it the best i can, i have some reservations and doubts about this approach of striking, especially since it's not a sentiment i'm seeing on any other social media platform or even on different twitter communities.

i just wanted to get your opinion on this⏤do you think it's effective or necessary? i fear i may be being too pessimistic about it, which is the last thing i want to do.

thank you always, i hope these asks aren't wearing on you.

hello anon :) It inspires a lot of awe in me that you're still here after four (five?) years - i'm extremely honoured and humbled to have earned your patronage for so long.

for the twitter/social media strike, I have the stance where I don't think the message for palestine is dampened by people still posting about their special interests, mainly for a few reasons.

While it would have been incredibly powerful to have a general posting blackout besides pro-palestine messages, it was never going to realistically happen. There are people who aren't online who won't learn about the strike until it's too late, people who maintain a main and an alt and only post fandom stuff on the alt (which is private or has 12 followers so who cares, they'll post their genshin husbands), people who just prioritise their escapism over anything else. I can't hold it against them too, because trying to impose a "you can ONLY post about palestine" decree (even for just a week) will breed resentment in droves, which i think would make the movement lose steam incredibly fast. For most people, social media is escapism. It's a privilege afforded to those who can turn off their phone, or close a tab and leave all the horrors behind. But at the end of the day, we all do it, and to some extent I think that balance is necessary so that you stay sane. Activism is a lifestyle, not a brief stint, where balance has to be maintained to make sure you can do as much as you can for as long as you can.

You kind of have to realise that nobody can reach through a screen and police someone's social media use or thoughts. I've been observing the general rules of the strike, but to be fair I'm in the boat where that's not very different to how I've been posting for the past few months anyway, so it's no big sacrifice on my part. There are people out there on social media right now who deserve shame for their "escapism". The type to proudly boast about muting words like "palestine", "israel", "genocide" - they're callous, and cruel, and lonely souls searching for a brief high in attention and outrage. But I am seeing people on my feed observe the strike, I am seeing more resources about Palestine, I am seeing dipshits get shamed. The strike's goal to push Palestine resources to the forefront of the feed, to get it trending, has (so far) been working.

So...this was longwinded but - tldr; we were always gonna have people who prioritised their fandom over a genocide so you can't really be too disappointed by it (well, you can, but I'm not since it's just a "*shrug* that's how most people are"-type situation) but there are people who are observing the strike halfway and people who are doing it all the way and they're lifting us all up, so the strike's call to action did work and is currently doing what it's supposed to.

[luciawithoutj]

It is 2 am so sorry if what I am writing doesn't make any sense but I finally realized what vibe Joker Out songs give me and why I like them so much. Also english isn't my first language and I have dyslexia so I am sorry for any spelling mistakes or if my thoughts sound like they are all over the place.

It is a bit long post so I put the cut.

First I am gonna talk about Vem Da Greš because I am listening to it right now and it got me thinking. That songs feels like those teenager (or even childhood) nostalgic memories of late august or september until beginning of october (depending on where you live) or later spring when days are getting longer. But basically that time of the year when it is hot enough to be outside and wear summer clothes but chilly enough to not die from the heat. That song feels like evenings in those months. It feels like those moments when you are just going home from the beach while the sun is setting down. It feels like those evenings when you are sitting on the balcony or in some park with your friends and just chatting and laughing. That song is so summer sunsets colored. It makes you feel really warm inside but at the same time deep inside of you you feel a bit of sadness and stress crippling in because you know that these beautiful moments won't last forever so you try to enjoy the moment and take most of it into your heart. It feels like those last free day before school starts on monday. Also this songs are really small suburbs or small towns or even villages vibes.

And a lot of their songs give major evening - night vibes and that is why they concerts work so great during those time of day and they are perfect for small venues because you feel it on more personal level then when you are part of huge crowd. (maybe other people have different experiences, this is just mine from concerts I went too). Their songs make you want to make memories but not just to post them on social media but to actually be present and enjoy the moment while it lasts. Take it all in. Be human and enjoy life.

But they have those songs that have more darker themes which are so gloomy late nights coded or have vibes of afternoon in winter months when it has been dark since 3 pm. And some of them really go for those balkan winter vibes that some westerners that see those "eastern europe aesthetic" videos and call them sad and depressing but we who grow up there feel warm, at home and nostalgic. In that darkness, concreate, coldness, rainy weather we see some kind of harsh beauty. Those songs really gives those big cities with lot of concretes that feel empty and lost in time during winter months. It feels like you are stuck in still picture forever and you are drowning and can't get our but in a way you maybe don't want to escape and want to keep drowning and losing yourself until you become nobody just a dark figure at 3 am sitting on a cold bench, smoking and drinking while you think how everything went downhill. Basically those songs are just big cities where you go to chase better life but end up losing.

Barve Oceana and Tokio are only day songs in my mind. They are only really light and pastel and colorfull. And for some reason ngvot for me is especially really really early morning song that gives me hope for new beginnings (but that is maybe because that song got me into fandom and because of it I made my first (kris guštin) poster and joker out fanart in general).

Overall they make type of songs that feel really nostalgic for diffrent times in my life and they make me appreciate life more, both the nice part of it but also the moody and dark part becuse both have their special vibes and beauty.

Honestly I am not sure what did I yapp about and if anything makes sense but one day when my art skills get good enough I want to make joker out fanart that perfectly capture those summer evening with friends in small neighborhood and alone winter nights in big concrete city vibes.

If you came this far thank you for reading all that mess and thank you for coming to my TedTalk.

[kindlyanni]

hi, i hope you're well today.

i watched your sketchbook tour video on yt (from like 2 days ago) and so, i wanted to try to ask for advice, if you want to give it ofcourse, no pressure to.

you see, i love sketces so much, there's just some special beuty about them. i really enjoy seeing artists' sketches, including yours, ofcourse. i love seeing them on tumblr & yt.

also, even though i'm 26, i'm a COMPLETE begginner at drawing. i'm struggeling with the basic boxes-in-correct-perspective things, drawing faceless heads and motionless torsos, and.. yea, that's it. i know practice is the only way to advance in drawing, but i can't bring myself to. i see artists like you filling your sketchbooks with characters you're passionate about and honestly that's all i've ever wanted to be able to do, but i literally don't have the ability to do so.

just to be clear, i'm not asking you how to motivate myself to draw. the thing is, even though people are telling me that maybe it's not meant to be and i should give up, some insane part of me refuses to let this dream go. my question to you, as someone who somehow got there, is: do you think it's doomed? do you think that me struggeling so much with the drawing itself AND the motivation, means i won't be able to do it? do you think if i'm not having fun with it now, than i'll never get to a point where it will?

it might sound dumb, but it's a thing i'm nervous about. and after seeing your sketchbook, filled with so much characters and stories that i could see are so dear to your heart and so fun for you to draw, i'd love to hear (read) youe 2 scents about it, if you're willing to share. again, no pressure to.

thanks in advance, though.

Hi there Anon!

I'mma be frank and honest here: "maybe it's not meant to be and you should give up" is the absolutely stupidest thing someone can say to you. What the hell?? Dear Anon, if you feel even the tiniest bit of "I want to draw" then you should draw. You don't have to be good at drawing to draw, that's what's great about it. Anyone can find something to draw with and something to draw on. And just draw. If the act of drawing scratches some itch for you, then that's all you need. It doesn't mean it has to be fun all the time, though. Sometimes I can't get part of the drawing right, or even the whole drawing! Sometimes I hate what I finished drawing. Sometimes I want to draw but nothing comes out. But the itch is still there, it doesn't go away completely. You say it's your dream, then you should follow it. Everyone starts somewhere, and it's never too late too start. It's never too late. When you're dead it's too late.

If you don't feel the itch for drawing anymore, then you know it's time to move on to other things. And that's okay too, and it's not giving up. And don't let anyone else tell you that you should give up, if it is your passion.

In case you have sketchbook anxiety, don't think a sketchbook has to be one big art piece with each page something instagram worthy. I know it's become a thing where artists share their sketchbooks on social media and it's so Aesthetic™ that it's giving anxiety and pressure for everyone to have a sketchbook that pretty, but it really doesn't have to. You don't have to show it to anyone. Or you don't have to even have a sketchbook. Draw on random paper and put them in a folder. I did that for ages. The ones I use now aren't really sketchbooks either, but sketch pads with spirals. And those work the best for me. I have a few books but I haven't finished any of them.

If stiff figures is your issue, I suggest figure/life drawing as practice. Drawing tutorials about boxes and circles and proportions can only get you so far. Gather images of people in different poses. Dancing is really good for this. Sports too. And the less clothes the better. Draw what you see. Do it in 1 minute, 2 minutes, 5... Focus less on getting details right and more on the flow, the movement of the body. Tracing the image is lower effort and not as beneficial, but it still helps get the idea of how things are shaped and connected etc. And remember you don't have to show these practice drawings to anyone.

I know thanks to social media there's this pressure to show everything you make. But you really don't have to, if it makes you nervous. When I started drawing, we didn't have tumblr, twitter, ig or facebook. I drew a shit ton! I bought so many drawing pads, and no one has seen most of what's in there. I drew for myself. I had a webcomic idea and I drew so much of the characters and what would happen with them in the comic. I've drawn So. Much. And just recently I'm at a point where I can show my entire sketchbook to the entire internet. I wouldn't have done that maybe like 6-8 years ago. And I still skip some pages I don't want to show, for one reason or another. And that's fine.

Gosh, this became a longer reply than I intended. I hope it helps! Find that thing that makes you want to draw. For me it was the story I wanted to make and the characters for it (I started the webcomic but never finished it lmao). For you it can be your OCs, or some other characters, it can be a pet or a band you really like, it can be Nicholas Cage, or flowers, or anything! Find the itch and scratch it real good.

Let me share a drawing of mine from 20 years ago (I was 16):

[ahiddenpath]

Writing News

You might have noticed that I launched a new fic recently called Infinite Possibilities! I think it's really interesting, and not the sort of fic I see often. It's (what I hope is) a realistic look at the difficulties of digimon living on earth as more people find their digimon partners and have access to the Digital World via their digivices, from several perspectives (Chosen, partner digimon, non-Chosen, non-partner digimon, the Bureau, Yggdrasil, Homeostatis, etc). The setting is canon in the Adventure world, but of course my thoughts on the topic are speculative/head canon. The fic opens before the events of Kizuna, so most of the Chosen are college age.

That's the big thing, but I have a lot more details and thoughts about the future of my fics beneath the cut.

I've been talking lately about being unsure of sharing my work, due to various threats (AI, stolen content, book binding of fanworks, etc) accompanied by a general decrease in engagement across social media in general, and especially in old fandoms like digimon specifically.

I still feel that way, frankly. But I have also noticed that if I don't share my fandom work, I tweak it forever. I can only grow as writer if I practice producing finished works; fussily editing a few chapters indefinitely won't teach me a damned thing.

So, I will be sharing Infinite Possibilities, and probably trying to complete my other open fics, too. There may be some changes, though. For example, I will not be drawing art routinely for IP (it may happen sometimes if I get the urge, but it won't be a chapter expectation). I will also shift to using screen grabs from Tri to promote Tri: Integrity Lens when I post for that, and only drawing if I really want to, rather than using the art as a mandatory promotional tool.

Future fics

Currently, my plan is to not launch any more longfics. I can't say at this time if that means forever or until I complete one or two longfics. It will likely take me a few years to knock out my open longfics, so it's better not to speculate that far out.

I may, however, launch the occasional oneshot or short fic. I actually have a short fic (about 3-5 chapters) in the works right now. It's an explicit sex story, and it's a bit chaotic. It explores various sexualities and lifestyles in a safe, accepting, patient environment. I'd have to say that it's... definitely the most, just, blatantly sexy thing I've written.

Here is the status of my current open fics and my plans for them:

Puits d'Amour

I've been struggling for months with the next art for Puits d'Amour, and I don't want art struggles to hold me back from completing my writing. I will eventually share the next chapter of PdA, and the half chapter that exists after that (I am unsure if I will add more to it or just post a shorter chapter). After that, there is no more existing content, so there will be a pause as I figure out my next steps.

Tri: Integrity Lens

I am going to cut down on artwork and utilize more screenshots. There are currently about three chapters written that could be published without too much intensive effort, so I imagine you will see these after I post the remaining PdA chapters. They're quite good/exciting/interesting, too!

After those are shared, I will need to sit down and figure out what gets worked on next.

Four Years

There is no material waiting in the wings for this one. I still need to sit down and plan how I will handle the rest of the story. I would also like to get back into editing the old chapters, and hopefully book binding the edited version.

I've never done art for this fic, and it's going to stay that way, with wiggle room for an occasional "I must draw this!".

Infinite Possibilities

Currently has about 10 written chapters waiting, but I do need to add in scenes, so they aren't "ready to go." Most upcoming updates will be for this fic until I get through the existing material. I will be using the commissioned cover art when I announce new chapters, so art won't slow me down, although I may draw on occasion if I really want to show you something.

Practice

This is the current title for my sexy fic, but I am hoping to come up with something better. I could start sharing it soon, but I'd like to finish the whole piece and use that to cover about two months' worth of updates, while I work on other fics. No art for this one, except maybe a cover piece.

[egg-emperor]

You're very right in the tags of that one post. Toxic positivity is just as bad as toxic negativity, sometimes worse due to the handling of constructive criticism because of can-do-no-wrong attitude that stifles growth and creativity.

That ever-growing toxicity combined with this weird form of puritanism that has people harassing and dogpiling on others if they dare have an independent thought outside the hivemind is what's forcing me away from the Sonic fandom and never returning again, despite how much I love Eggman. I've already stopped reblogging Sonic art on my main blog and interacting with the fandom at large outside of a close circle of trusted friends across social media, they're the only thing even keeping that dying flame for this series stoked. I'm almost ready to delete it all and revamp my main blog theme to distance myself further. It hurts to know I'm no longer welcome in something that has been a major part of my life since I started gaming, something I've seen grow from literally nothing as I grew.

I still enjoy so many things about this series, and I had so much fun with everything up until this point, but being pushed out and treated like you're worse than trash for disagreeing with one thing feels like a knife being twisted in my heart. I don't want to go, but at this point I feel I have no choice to leave it all behind.

I'm sorry to sound whiny with this all, but I guess I just needed somewhere to vent. Should I consider this my goodbye letter to the Sonic series? Maybe so.

Thanks, Julian. Again, sorry for the vent.

Nah don't apologize, that's exactly how I've been feeling too. There's a big problem with both toxic positivity and negativity in this fandom and I'd say the former has been a much bigger one lately. I wouldn't say any of my criticisms of the latest media I'm not a fan of has been that harsh, aside from the occasional rants where I've been especially worked up and upset.

Most of the time it was just calm criticism that I was being asked to talk about in my inbox, it's not like I was going onto other people's posts and inboxes trying to be negative. But it's just blown up out of proportion because people take offense merely being something they don't want to see, because I see it as anything less than perfect and amazing. And that's where the toxic positivity comes in.

What I do always comes from a place of deep passion and my boldness in expressing true feelings is dismissed as nothing but hatred. Just because again, it's not highly positive endless praise without question or criticism. There's a lot of toxic positivity and also puritanism especially when it comes to my views and creations of Eggman compared to what people would prefer I think and do instead.

I've stepped away from fandom massively too because there isn't much out there that appeals to me anymore. It's a hivemind where you're not allowed to voice different opinions or even state facts as it's immediately taken as an attack. It's full of high praise of everything and intolerance towards people that don't feel the same, they accuse me of being horrible and hateful and trying to attack specific people with things I make on my own blog.

I don't think I'm ever really going to come back either beyond interaction with the small amount of people I still follow that aren't with that crowd and their mindset and either feel the same or accept I feel differently, like I can with them as long as they respect me too. I don't seek out content from anywhere else aside from heavily filtered Tumblr search. I'll never search Eggman on Twitter again for the sake of my sanity lol

While it does help me feel better to not surround myself with things that make me uncomfortable and avoid it as well as I can, it does hurt to leave almost everything behind and not feel welcome amongst the masses just because we can't agree on everything and are open with criticism, no matter how sensible and calm we are about it. I'm going to miss out on the small amount of stuff out there I would like as a result which is sad too.

But then when I'm at my worst after all recent events, I've contemplated deleting everything and leaving because even though there are a few reasons I have to stick around and it's not all bad, it still feels like I don't belong and do everything wrong in some people's eyes and am hated by many and it just makes me miserable with all the constant reminders. It hurts that something that's been so special and important to me almost all my life is now attached to this pain.

It was fun up until this point for me too but now I feel pushed out because of how many places I've been kicked out of and how many I've been blocked by. It really does hurt a lot, how it feels like everything can go wrong just for being yourself and being open and honest about how you feel. It does stifle growth and creativity a lot when different perspectives and ideas are immediately shunned and looked down upon and responded to aggressively.

I don't really want to go either but I've accepted I need to take a step back, as big of a part of my life it was for so long. And I've been considering that I might have to leave official media behind soon as it just feels like there might not be anything for me anymore. Even before shit really hit the fan fandom wise, I started pondering it. Leaving that will hurt even more but I'm trying not to hold on to what hurts or discomforts me and just doesn't bring me the happiness it did before.

If I do have to leave both fandom and official media behind entirely, it will hurt a lot but I still appreciate for the people I still follow, old official content, and sharing my analysis, headcanons, fics, gushing, etc. I'm still passionate as ever about Eggman and love to create from it and share it, that's why I care so much and have such strong opinions and bold ways of expressing it in the first place. It's sad that it had to come to this but I appreciate the good times and memories and I won't let all this stop me from doing what I love.

But yeah you're not alone in this, I feel exactly the same way and I'm saying my goodbye to most of the fandom too and possibly the entire series itself soon with the way things might be going from here.

You're welcome and no need to be sorry 💜

[hammerhead-jpg]

Born to "Hiiiiii :3" forced to "What's up" (about me post)

About me page I'm so nervooouussd

I very much wanted to post things for fun and figured I would do it on Tumblr since it seems like a chill place where likes and follows don't matter and also my friends and family (which I'm not out to yet) follow me on every single social media and I do not want them stalking me when I post about who knows what

That being said, I do not come from the golden age of Tumblr or any age really but I do watch Strange Æons religiously so I'm not completely clueless ig, but if I break some sort of unspoken rule it wasn't me

All that unnecessary text aside, hi, my name is Kristian (although that name is not set in stone because I'm indecisive just trans things am I right) and I go by Kris, but you can also call me Hammerhead or Moonshine/Moon

I am a digital artist and have been drawing for like forever and my dream is to one day turn the story I'm currently working on into a visual novel/webcomic

(edit:) I'm sorry if I don't reblog a ton of posts, I know some people view not reposting posts as rude but it's just that I'm not used to being on social media that has a repost feature so I don't have the reflex to repost things

I'm queer and also transmasc <3

(also edit:) sorry if I don't respond to your comments complementing my art, it's just that I get nervous/don't know what to respond with, I assure you the complements are very appreciated and people who like/comment on/reblog my art have a special place in my heart

(also also edit) you can tag me in "tag x people" and tag chains and stuff but I probably won't continue the chain as I probably don't have enough people I would comfortably tag and even in that "would comfortably tag" group I am probably still too shy to tag them, and one or more of those people in that group are usually the ones that tagged me in the first place so it's not really like I could tag the person that tagged me in the tag chain??? Is anything I'm saying making sense???

My current fixations/ the fandoms I'm in are:

Redacted Audio (proud Cutie, Vega n Christian apologist RAAAAHHHHH 🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅/j)(also proud Lasko stan and 7eleven trio shipper)

Bungou stray dogs (biggest Sigma stan)

MHA (although I'm kind of out of it, I'm mostly just silently keeping up with the manga but I am still kinda obsessed with mha ocs) (if you hate mha ocs or really any fan ocs DNI because I have like 40 of them) (no I am not a 30 yr. old woman shipping her self insert with Bakugo leave me alone)

Don't hug me I'm scared (not rlly in the fandom)

Chainsaw man (not rlly in the fandom)

Fear and Hunger aka Funger and Gunger (I can't say I'm really in the fandom and can't say I'm that involved into the game it's too big brain for me so I just observe it from afar and laugh at the memes)

DNI lists are kinda useless but racism, sexism, abelism, homophobia, transphobia, xenophobia ect is not tolerated here but also like if you're one of those people who are really ticked off when they see a minor talking about NSFW stuff and act all wise sage I suggest you DNI because I assure you your rambling and skull emojis are not going to prevent me from developing hypersexuality, you are like 11 years late to that my friend (or if you're just uncomfortable hearing a minor talk about nsfw that's cool too)

And also fuck off if you think sexualizing minors (fictional or not) is okay

This is a xenopronouns/neopronouns, xenogender, furry, therian safe space, I really don't judge

I think this goes without saying but cringe culture is dead, if you get pissy about things being cringy please don't come to the person who's internet alias is literally a Penelope Scott song, other alias is a reference to a gay ship from my hero academia and the person who named themselves "Kristian" because they thought that naming themselves (the atheist) a name that means "God's follower" was hilarious, but again this is tumblr so I expect most people here are cringelords

Anyways, fuck you Adam you can go suck my long horse weewee, Moon x supremacy always

Also if I tell anyone to kts I was just joking PLEASE

[dennydraws]

You need to draw faster and faster...

No, you don't need to do that and neither do I.

Hello, good morning! Happy Friday!! I'm having a bit of ramble while my morning coffee kicks in and I use the little time before the workday starts.

Recently I've been thinking how little my energy feels after work to the point where I rather space out in bed and play some low energy game on the switch then sleep before 11pm otherwise I'm a very cranky lady in the morning.

Drawing has become a race for me. How fast can I throw some lines in between dinner and bed time? I noticed so much of my work has become what I call 'compulsive doodling'. I try to draw so fast just so I can throw something before I start feeling too tired and pass out or cause weekends tend to be "catch up with life" so it's like ok can't spend more than X time once more cause I got so many other things to do ... or people want to hang out or people need me to do bunch of things, arghhh adult life huh xD; I miss the times I could get lost in a painting. Art used to be so relaxing and soul healing and lately I've been feeling it as a daily to-do task - did I sketch something so I don't forget how to wield a pencil? Check!

However... I want to go back to that. I want to go back to drawing more scenes and full backgrounds and take my time with a piece.

Recently with how fast paced social media has become it begins to set a precedent where content of any type must be consumed fast and any big effort project tends to have same or lower engagement that makes your brain go - ok but what's the point of big effort piece that gets less likes than your low effort doodle piece? As much as your reason tries to silence the lil nagging voice, it's still there.

Aaand I will try to overcome it this year! :D;; I miss drawing full scenes. Granted, I probably can't spend 6 full hours on a piece anymore but if I draw little by little I can pull it again I think! Let's see how it will go :D;;

I also miss talking about the art pieces. I'm glad tumblr's format allows me to type a bit when I post a drawing. I hate how limiting other platform can be. I hate the idea of presenting a drawing without a bit of context. I hate looking at artwork without context! Give me the story behind it, is it an OC? Who are they, what are they! I love that stuff!! I remember long ago on Deviant Art where I would post nearly a paragraph of who/what was going on and mention what programs or brushes I used :D It made the artworks feel a bit more than - here is the arts, pls like. I know that's not the case for everyone but it was the case for me. I like when a drawing feel more than random pretty thing you saw on a social platform.

Speaking of... I've always hated adding watermarks on my pieces but given the rise of AI I guess that will become a thing with me too =n=;; I will have to see how to deal with this.

Anyhow! Time for me to get back to work. Happy Friday once more, thank you for stopping by dear reader :D I hope your day goes well!

[gothghost]

Blog Update

Short Version: This blog won't be used for posting my art and the things I draw anymore, outside of potential rare small exceptions. I can't recommend you expect that kind of "content" from me. Old art will stay up under the #addie's art and #my art tags. I'm just going to continue using this blog for whatever, minus art from now on. Long version with more details and explanation below:

As anyone who has followed this blog for a long time has probably noticed, I haven't been posting art nearly as much as I used to at certain times in the past. (Not that my output was ever that frequent or consistent.) This isn't because I haven't been drawing, in fact I've actually been creating a decent amount of art and ideas lately. But I haven't really felt like posting any of it, and after thinking about it for a while I think it's because posting my art to social media just isn't a source of happiness for me anymore. It may have been at one point, but these days it doesn't add anything to the experience of creating things for me. It feels nicer to keep it to myself and maybe show it to a few close friends than to put it out into the world for the entire public to see.

All this to say, I am probably not going to be using this account to post things that I draw anymore. It's not a hard rule, maybe I'll end up posting doodles occasionally anyway, but I'm not really counting on it, it's just not something I feel like doing anymore. I do appreciate the attention any of my old art has gotten, and all of that stuff will still be left up, viewable through either the #addie's art or the #my art tags on this blog, but as for new drawings I make, I probably won't be posting those anywhere.

There is one art project I have that's been in limbo for a while that I would like to post on this site, but I'll probably be using a sideblog for that, I'd like to distance this blog from being one where you can expect art to be posted. For a few other art-adjacent project ideas I have, those will likely be hosted elsewhere on other websites, and I'll probably make posts directing towards them if possible/relevant. As for commissions, I initially only took them down to adjust some pricing and guidelines but given this new decision, I'm not sure if/when they're going to be re-opened. It seems like it'd be kind of hard to promote myself as able to provide commissions when I don't even post art lol. It's not like I really need to do them for money or anything either, so for right now it's safe to say they'll stay closed.

Despite the length and possibly serious-sounding tone of this post, this isn't something that's been eating away at me or anything, I'm doing alright. I just think it's a good idea to take the time to properly explain my reasoning and decision on this, since being an "art blog" has sort of been a big part of this blog's identity for a long time. I'm not sure what original content I'm going to use this blog for as a "replacement", I don't really want to promise or allude to anything actually because I'm not in a spot where I feel like having an account for a "thing" that I regularly make, whether it's art, game reviews, whatever.

This blog simply exists and that's all I really want for it right now.

[sunflowerrruwu]

First of all, I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who has ever liked my posts, commented on my posts or just looked at my posts! Thanks a lot, everyone! I love you all very much, although you probably already forgot about me lmao. I got so much feedback. When I tried to create an account in 2018, I got 0 likes. I didn't know why but I got a little upset and deleted all the posts. In 2021 i tried again and i got some likes! And today I have quite a few of them!  More than ever had. Ihave 121 likes on that Sportarobbie Valentine's day mini comic i made.  That's a huge number for me! And also 141 on that digital sketch of them. Then i was so obsessed with the quarry game. Thank you for 133 likes! I had some other social media accs and, you know, there 5-10 likes was a normal thing. So 100+ likes is a really huge number for me.. I'm very grateful and i want you to know this.

Now, the worst part of this post. It's so depressed and i feel so guilty because of it.

I feel a big responsibility. It's hard.  I'm so afraid to post anything. I very rarely draw.  sometimes I'm busy, sometimes I'm not in the mood, and sometimes I just prefer to do something else (play games). I started all over again many times. Started to become some kind of an artist again. I have changed my nickname many times. All in order to forget this guilt i have. Guilt that I'm not active enough to be an artist. Guilt that I'm not active enough to be popular.  Popularity is not my goal, to be honest.  I almost never worried about likes or comments. Views are what was important to me. From the views, I can know that people saw it.  People don't always like or comment, so likes and comments are not that important for me. What do i want?  Inspire and give a sense of comfort.  I was so happy to see that my pinterest pin got 19k views and 230 saves. I thought "someone saved this. someone needed it. someone found it interesting and inspiring. I'm happy."  Someone else's art gives me the reason to live. Seeing my ships and favorite characters that other people are actively drawing.. it helps to stay alive. This is what I wanted and still want to give to others.  But I'm not active enough.  Many times I tried to think like "forget it. just post. let it be like an archive for your drawings. even if no one sees, even if no one finds out. it will remain here forever for you as evidence that you are not  lazy". I hate laziness so much. I hate that I rest and sleep. I often stay up late thinking "you can't go to bed, you will waste your time. you could do something more useful." And the next morning I feel so bad from not sleeping that I pass out and can hardly stand on my feet. And then I hate myself even more.

This is a great responsibility.  I love lazytown. I'm so multi-fandom. I am into 30+ fandoms. But it's such a big responsibility for me. The fact that people expect lazytown drawings from me when I want to draw genshin, for example. When I want to draw warrior cats, for example. When I have my own OC, personifying me in this world. I'm so afraid to post something else. A lot of people told me that being a multi-fandom artist on tumblr is hard. Those people told me that you can even get hated because you are multi-fandom. But I know artists on tumblr who draw about 5 fandoms. And those artists are very loved by their followers.

This is a great responsibility. Being an artist and posting means being active. Oyherwise all followers will leave. I don't need many followers. I mean it's not very important for me whether I have 10, 100 or 1000 followers. I just want to know that someone needs my art. And I want to know that I'm not nobody. That I am someone special. That my nickname will be remembered, I will be recognized. I have always dreamed of drawing requests. You give me an idea and I draw it. All are happy. You got your art, i got a cool idea. That's why I wanted a tumblr account. But now, when I draw so rarely, when I regularly disappear. Can I do all this now? Maybe I really should just post and not think about anything. Someone will need it. Someone will find me and follow, like and save my drawings, someone will be inspired to draw, too. I get inspired very easily.

I can look at a drawing and want to draw too.  That's why I love YouTube videos so much where artists show their sketchbooks.

I feel like I need to tell you why I'm like this. Why I don't post and why I disappear. Why I used to draw lazytown, then the quarry, and now other fandoms. I'm so afraid. But I always come back. Maybe nothing will happen after this post.  Maybe I'll disappear again. Maybe I'll play games all day long. Maybe I'll be busy with my studies.  And maybe I will draw trashy drawings that I don’t even want to post it. I haven't drawn much this summer. I used to draw a lot and often. I don't know what's scarier. Get hated for this post or not get any feedback and understand that everyone has forgotten me. I really want to delete it all. And I'm really sorry that any of you had to read this. I didn't want to burden you with my thoughts and feelings. But I feel like I should have written this. I feel a little bit safe here. It's the internet. Even if someone will write bad comments i can delete them.

I wanted to add some drawings to this post but i don't think it's a good idea anymore. I will leave it like this so i can delete it later.

This is not a cry for help. I don't need sympathy. I just feel like I can't post my drawings without explaining how I feel. I feel guilty that I decided to become an artist but couldn't handle it. Couldn't be active enough to be an artist. I will probably disappear again(because i don't have many new drawings to post), but I give a 99% guarantee that there will be no more posts like this. I already explained what I wanted. That would be enough for me to feel less guilty.

I feel stress and fear because of this post. So, most likely I will delete it tomorrow or in a couple of days. I don't like talking about myself, but I've said so much.

[dzpenumbra]

10/17/22

Man, I swear. I spend like my entire life in my head. I just swim in thoughts all day every day. Its just never ending. There are no quiet moments, except for art, or music, or video games. Honestly, not even then. Music can be very pure. Like a moment of JUST sound, and creating sound, and the song is just a centerpiece focus. Like a meditation focus, it really is for me often. And I like sorta submitting to it. That's why I liked jamming on the drums with a MrSuicideSheep mix. That was like... my shit for a while. I used to play drums ----

Welp, Max just interrupted me trying to get under the sheets.

Actually, now that I think about it, she hissed just like... at nothing earlier. And she didn't get playtime tonight. And it's 7AM. This is probably like a clusterfuck for her. I'm trying to pay attention to her needs. She's very active now compared to where she used to be. I don't like talking about it, times change and people grow. She gets all of my attention now. I feel bad she couldn't be the star when my dog was around, but we're getting reacquainted. That made me sad. I miss my dog a lot. Max does too. I just want her to have a good life. I got the same feeling with Cerry before she passed. I'm so grateful I did. I'm sorry it was so late, because I was not the best partner for her for a long time. But I'm so grateful I woke up to my own... coldness and distance. Human arrogance. And, to be blunt, poor teachings.

I want to make sure Max's needs are taken care of better. I really do need to make an appointment for a checkup. Her hips have been very stiff for a long time, she grunts when she hops off counters now. She still plays, but I'm worried that I'm not taking the best care of her that I could be. Like if my kid were limping around the house and I didn't bring them to a doctor. I just... sorta go on the honor system with her. Like, if she's in pain, she needs to let me know. The second she starts showing like she's really not happy, I will take her to the doctor in a heartbeat. So I hope she's not soldiering too much. She doesn't need to, and she deserves the best. She is a beautiful spirit.

Well shit, that took a chaotic turn. I'm really trying to lean into those. Fuck it. And my thoughts just turned to spaghetti, so I guess I'm learning why I'm practicing --- relaxation, and grounding, because the fast thoughts are me starting to panic.

Oh... boy. So I'm starting to panic a bit and I think it's because of my cat. There's the adrenaline, and shaking hands. I'm worried she's sick because she's old. And the hips. And the hissing earlier. Heart is pounding. Welcome to a live broadcast of a panic attack. I get these a lot, but in varying degrees. This one is pretty severe. I see a flower, a post greyed out behind this post of some flower - it reminds me of an iris in an eye, and a pupil. And I keep looking over at it, like it's reminding me of my eye that I keep having problems with. Like waking up this morning with like a scratching feeling in my eye and my eye just watering for like an hour and a half in bed and I'm fucking just scrolling social media with one eye because fuck getting out of bed with that shit. I'm waiting til my eye chills. So maybe I'm a bit overwhelmed today. XD

I'm mostly worried about my cat, I have promised to make an appointment this week, I think today (after I wake up) would be best. I'm afraid for some reason. Maybe because I'm afraid I won't sleep or I'll sleep in and miss the appointment. I don't really know. There's a lot of natural pushback from me on those. Feels like lack of confidence or something, but I can't put my finger on it. Maybe because it's where I put my dog down. Fuck. Maybe that's it. And I'm going back with my cat. To where my dog died. Fuck, okay. That's a big one that I can see myself having a self-protective panic attack about. Yeah, I should get my mom to go with me for that. I really do think so. She was there when it happened. If she's okay with that. I can see her in my mind's eye. Me and her are bonding a lot. She is really close to me. I'm going to miss her when I move. I know our relationship is very complicated, but I can feel her in my heart right now. And it's very powerful. It's a cripplingly powerful feeling I'm in the grips of right now. Love, Fear - all wrapped up in a tangle, like a chemical reaction in my chest. Like some kind of unstable isotope or something. Swirling pulses of complementary energies, straining and morphing with eachother. Until they find a stable equilibrium. Like Mentos and Coke. Like vinegar and baking soda. Kinda. That's what that feeling is, best I can describe right now. So I should really reach out to my mom early - I think she's gonna try to contact me around 2 - it's 7:30 right now. I should see if she can make the appointment and go with me. Because I need to do this, and she could really be supportive. And bringing Max to the vet is so hard that she hasn't been in like 8+ years, probably closer to 10.

Well that made me feel like a bad pet owner. But she's in really good health considering she's 16. I need to get over this shit, this avoiding vets because I'm insecure. And I will get over that, I have been and I've been getting better. But I'm kinda just done fucking around with that. My anxieties aren't more important than her health, and I need to get my priorities straight there. That's a big lesson I need to constantly be working on.

So I'm gonna bank on linking up with my mom and I think once I translate to her exactly what this reaction I'm having to making a vet appointment is, I think things will snap into place a bit and she'll know exactly how she can help. In the meantime, I can clean Max's crate. The thing is disgusting, it has my high school soccer hoodie in it and I need to just get it over with and do it. I was supposed to today, but I worked on my hoodie a bit more... and played Minecraft and watched Twitch all day. So... kinda feeling like I could've been better about that. I had tons of time, and I just didn't do it. So maybe I need to do reminders on my phone or something. Maybe I'm getting too cocky with this no structure plan, and my whole life is kinda falling through the cracks.

I see the benefit of it now, and I guess my whole life just became fluid. I need to find a balance to it. I really do. Doing a tasks list, with daily check ins. That's what I fucking need. I need QUESTS. I need a little bar on the top left of my screen that bulletpoints my objectives for the day. And if I had glasses with those on them, I would legit give a LOT of money for that. So I can stop sticking plastic crap in my eyes, and instead, have a HUD for my life. Maybe Google Glass is a thing, maybe I should look at that. If they do prescriptions, i'll buy that shit straight up today. Get my list of shit to do on the top left of my glasses, maybe I have a button to push to show and hide them. So my life is a bit more like an RPG, not just as a fun novelty - which people will definitely make fun of your nerdy ass for - but like... using it practically, to make your life more like types of chores you like. Like organizing chests in Minecraft for me. Dude, imagine if you could like... inventory your house... and like... when you're near a set space - using like the measure tool to set the zone and recognizing it when you're near it. Like an AR thing. Idk how you'd pull it off, but if you could just have a visual overlay with transparency that pulls up the inventory of that drawer. Good lord, for the kitchen, like... where is my spatula... I could check drawers without having to open them. How crazy is that shit. That's all totally doable with current technology.

Max is kinda kicking in her sleep. I'm much more calm now. This is a really weird feeling, I don't think I've ever captured a panic attack this vividly before, and I'm really glad I chose to make the sacrifice to journal tonight. I feel like this could be a really useful look into the life of someone who has... a lot of pain, and guilt, and fear. And tries to reason with them every day. To learn from them, and live with them. To grow despite their consumption. I feel much more in-balance now. Like the waves are settling, the water surface is starting to become reflective again. I have a lot of feelings. They are very strong. But they are all given fair time to speak. They all have to have their own voice. I think. Giving fear, pain, and guilt a voice. That's... not an easy thing to do, is it?

Keeping all of them in harmony is a constant battle for me. I am spending a lot of time doing self-care. And just trying to heal, build morale, work on art things, eat real food, check in on the cat periodically, make sure I acknowledge and talk to her when she comes in. Not ignore her. We sing back and forth all day long, it's lovely. :D

I have many beautiful things in my life. I have love. I have friendship. I have the ability to bring beautiful things into existence. As much as pain and guilt and fear, and sorrow, all of those voices we don't want to hear are loud and all encompassing, and demand attention, and importance. There is a bigger picture. And it's really important to take the extra second to acknowledge the good, the highlights, the accomplishments. My conversation with my mom went really well today, and is starting to get a bit surreal at times. She opened up to me a lot today. It's alien, so... I'm not reacting to it with as much praise as I normally would, or affirmation either. I'm engaging with it willfully and positively, but I haven't really communicated my appreciation of that as much as I would like. My fear may be manifesting as small-talk, I think? We do small talk quite a bit.

Mind is racing again. I'm overtired, I think. Feels like I'm nodding off. So I should probably take a hint from myself... I feel like signing off here on a good note though. So... I hope you can find a ---- I'm forcing my writing. I don't know, stream of consciousness writing is really hard, okay? Let's just end on something curious and interesting then, let's end with passion. So there's this thing with stream of consciousness where it's like... do you go in with a plan? "I want to cover this..." Like, do you plan on what to write about in your journal? I've been sorta winging it and testing both sides. Some adding in afterthoughts. Some with a prompt, some with a focus. It's hard to choose. I was writing something like... profound. Trying to. Like making a custom proverb or something. And I cut myself off. So do you let yourself sorta craft something poetic and artsy? Or do you follow the stream of your mind without planning? I guess there's really no wrong answer, the more I think about it. Maybe getting stressed out about it is the only wrong answer.

[oriigirii]

Streamer MC headcannons with the brothers 💞

"You were quite a known face on social media back in the human realm, playing games, doing unboxings, just vibin in general, fans around the globe looked forward to your streams a lot! However, considering the sudden (unannounced) invitation to the exchange program, you had to leave all of that behind out of the blue. It wasn't as bad at first, but you have to admit you do miss the feeling of being able to do goofy shit online. Luckily for you, with the advance technology of Devildom and some spicy magic, the internet had synced with the human realm, and thats when you decided to finally re-enter the streaming scene. How will the brothers react upon seeing your peculiar past time?"

Head empty, No thoughts aside from the brothers just bothering the MC while they stream so here you go haha

Warnings: None, just crackhead energy and a lotta mispellings

Gender: Neutral!

Hotel: Trivago

* [ ಠ╭╮ಠ ] Lucifer *

{How did he know about your career?}

I honestly don't see him as someone who goes on the internet a lot

(He screams boomer to me, change my mind)

He doesn't have the time either, he's too focused on work!

So him finding out is gonna take a while

But! He did find out the hard way when shrilled screaming was heard from your room when he was passing by with some paper stacks in his arms (courtesy of Diavolo)

This man felt his instincts kick in, he ran as fast as he could, papers forgotten, and he immediately slammed your door open. Splinters scattering around, your door definitely damaged, as his eyes held a glare and his demon form was out, wings spread in a threatening display.

He was ready to beat someone's ass as he had thought someone had hurt you in here.

But all hes met with is you, infront of your chair and PC, and a game over on the screen...

To say he was unamused was an understatement cause you just lost your internet priviliges for giving him a heart attack (He said it was because you were being rowdy and noisy but with what you saw you knew that wasn't the case)

Good luck tryna puppy-eye your way to his heart to let you continue streaming lol.

If by some miracle you managed to wriggle your rights back from his hands, he'd warn you not to be so loud next time.

You already learnt your lesson though~ (Hopefully)

{How does he feel about your streams?}

Not everyone's the same, so if you were the shy soft streamer who does more art streams or something akin to a podcast, you can bet that Lucifer will be putting you on while he works, he kinda knows your streaming schedule at this point and if you were running late, he'd force one of his brothers to take over your dish washing duties or any chores you were stuck with

If you were the loud obnoxious meme type, hed still try to watch out of curiosity, and as much as he appreciates that you were getting comfortable here in Devildom with how you laugh and joke around, he still can't approve of it. Its too loud, its much like his brothers energy and he has enough of that already, so he probably doesn't watch as much.

He has countlessly came to your room to shush you and at this point your fans had made a compilation of each time Lucifer had barged in to tell you off

Look he likes it when you scream, but not when hes in the middle of work okay--

At this point, chat has deemed Lucifer as dad and you as their mom/dad.

If he ever catches wind of this he'd definitely be teasing you in private for centuries to come.

Overall fine with it, as long as don't do something stupid on stream.

* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ Mammon*

{How did he know about your career?}

I would say he found out by him crashing into your streams midway but that's too predictable, hence why you've Mammon-proofed your bedroom during streaming hours!

Thanks to our wizard daddy, you have managed to cast a simple lock spell on your door and as well as a sound proofing

You love your broke idiot, but you did wanna keep the tone of your stream today a bit more chill, you wanted to have a proper Q&A with your fans to hopefully clear any bad vibes around your 3 month disappearance.

When Mammon has learnt your door was locked he definitely was a bit pissy, he knocked on your door loudly even and was calling out for you to let him in, but to no avail.

Bro he's scared.

He usually was allowed to enter, and you usually answered if you did need to be left alone for a bit, so just leaving him hanging got his mind racing and he had to press up his ear on the wooden door to try and hear if you were okay

When this continues on he finally resorts to getting help, but the only one in the house ws Levi, so he kicks down HIS door.

Levi boutta summon Lotan for interrupting him honestly

But as Mammon exclaim you weren't answering and he worried for your wellbeing, Levi rolls his eyes and scoffs,

"Idiot Mammon, they're streaming don't bother them…"

Streaming? why didn't you tell him???

Rude much.

He did huff and now was forcing his way to use Levi's PC for a moment

Can Levi stop him?

Nah.

He was busy on his console, and if he stood up now hed be breaking his world record so he was at a terrible state so he just resorts to threats of him drowning the Avatar of Greed if he does anything stupid on his PC.

He immediately logs in to your streaming platform and he watches for a bit,

You were more dolled up now just to look decent on stream, and he felt this jealousy rise as you interact with your chat, especially to those saying I love you's and stuff, and you even said it back? the audacity! You were his werent you? Were you replacing him with these nobodies?

He huffs as he realized that those who paid got their message highlighted, and thus, he starts donating. (Mind you this was Levi's account...)

"Mcccccc Open the dooorrr"

"Ill behave i promiseeeee"

"Cmon pleaseeee?"

Chat is c o n f u s i o n

NGL, they thought Mammon was a creepy stalker and red flags were being waved everywhere

but as chat was pondering who the hell he was, you can only sigh and look at the camera with that unamused expression, but ugh! you just KNOW hes doing that kicked puppy expression of his, and maybe it really wont be so bad

So you snap your fingers and say, "Okay MonMon, its open, Im giving you 3 seconds"

Mammon wasnt deemed to be the fastest out of his brothers for nothing

As soon as you got to '2', you were already tackled by the white haired male and chat went wild.

Now that you've shown your life in Devildom, maybe its time to introduce chat to your boyfriend no?

{How does he feel about your streams?}

You get paid to sit infront of a camera, do I have to say anything else?

But really though, as much as he enjoys the thought of getting so much cash from something so simple, he prefers the joy of being able to proudly exclaim that he was your first man!

ohhhh he thrives on the salt of your overly attached stans

but for those who fully support you, he always feels so mushy and shy when they say the ship you guys so hard

The fanarts has him WEAK (he may or may not have saved a few)

You usually do streams alone, but now you've allowed the door to be left open to let Mammon join whenever

Chat pogs when he enters with so much confidence, only for it to crumble when you kiss his cheek on stream.

Overall finds it fun to spend time with you, but just dont play scary games cause Lucifer might hang him upside down on stream.

* ▘▂▝ Leviathan*

{How did he know about your career?}

He is honestly the most attached to his D.D.D and he catches wind of almost anything going down in the internet, so your 'revival' being hyped up was something he definitely saw and he was just s wo o o ned

His Henry 2.0? a famous streamer?

Were you truly a blessing gifted upon him or was he dreaming?

He definitely didn't bring it up at first as he didn't wanna make it a big deal, but you notice hes been more in his head lately, and you have tried asking him what it was but to no avail.

You have to corner this little snake if you want answers and he eventually admits that he knew of your persona online and was incredibly shy to ask you to stream with him

He's a streamer himself afterall but maybe he doesnt stream as much as you do nor does he have as large of a following, so his intrusive thoughts attacked him and made him think that maybe since he wasnt as famous he didnt deserve to be in the same stream as you

Please tell him to join you and gib him kiss U3U

He'll absolutely m e l t

But now, as you make the announcement to your viewers and Levi to his, the internet explodes as a special collab stream was hapening between the expert gamer and avatar of envy of Devildom along with the beloved exchange student and streamer of the human realm

Your usual viewers reach between 10-15k, but as you start stream, that number boosts higher and beyond

Before streaming though, Levi was incredibly nervous, he'd picked the games for you to play that he knew you would enjoy with him, but his mind kept racing about whatthe fans thought, he didnt wanna disappoint them

But you had to remind him that whatever they say will not matter in the end as this was merely for fun, this was YOUR stream and you guys were gonna do what you want and nobody can have a say on it. (Maybe except Lucifer)

You usually talk for him with your bubbly personality, and to calm his nerves, he hs your pinky wraped around his where the camera can't see it.

Regardless, his thoughts subsided as you two delve into your stream that lasted a solid 7 hours, you definitely promised your chat that you and Levi will be doing more streams together from now on.

Once the cameras cut and yall are left alone, Both of you collapse on bed, and despite you being asleep already, Levi was just far too giddy as everything dwells on him.

Having a player 2 by his side now had never felt so intoxicating and he as just so lucky to have you.

{How does he feel about your streams?}

He obviously adores it, although some streams he wouldnt join just so he can play games on his own

He's still an introvert afterall, he needs his alone time

But he prefers that alone time with you, his Henry.

So when youre about to go stream, he kinda becomes a bit pouty, but with a simple promise of kisses (and maybe even more if youd like) he would let you go, but his attention would disappear from his game altogether.

He might just end up watching you instead

May or may not, at some point, just chat you and ask if its too late to join you

You do allow him to join you and play from the comforts of his room as both of you can simply play via internet, you give him the comfort to not turn on his mic or webcam either and you have no idea how he appreciates that.

Will definitely fight someone online when they start claiming you as theirs (-cough- stans) Please make sure it doesnt escalate to him summoning Lotan

Although the comments would often get to him, and as much as he can fight them online, he still does find himself pondering if they were true, so you need to give him a lotta lovin and reminder that he is your player 1 and no one else can ever fill that place.

------

Wow 3 brothers this time, what an improvement, anyways hope yall enjoy! I think its pretty clear who I simp for depending o nthe length of each lol, but do let me know if you guys want a part 2 for the rest of the brothers, or even the undateables!

[nctworststuff]

Pairing- Boyfriend!Renjun x nospecific!reader

Warning-Death,Cancer

Genre: Angst

a/n: Here what you guys got after a months I’m not post anything. Also Thank you my friend,Lucy because helping me a lot :). Hope you guys like it

He always with you

He avoided meeting with you lately. You missed to spend time with him so much. You missed his scent, his hugs, his kisses, his presence, but most importantly, you missed him.

You recently spent a lot of time in your apartment, all by yourself. Watching movies, drinking hot chocolate and staying under your fluffy blanket. Sometimes you went to hangout with your friends, but not as often as you used to. However, today you couldn't take it anymore. I have to visit him, now!

Deep inside you knew that he would never cheat on you. What if something bad had happen to him? Maybe he got sick or maybe something in his family came up? You didn't know. Helplessly you scrolled through your media social. Usually, he would be active on Instagram. Always adding things to his story or at least posting the pictures he made. But ever since 3 weeks ago, you haven't seen him post a single thing. As if he vanished.

You took a look at your photo gallery on your phone. It's filled with pictures of you and Renjun. Everytime the two of you had met in the past months, you had taken at least one picture. Are you okay, renjun?

You didn't want to waste your time anymore, so you walked into your bedroom to change your outfit. You arrived at his house that felt like a second home to you. Big dark clouds covered the sky and sun. It may rain soon. You slowly walked to the door and opened it with the spare key Renjun gave you not so long ago.

You couldn't see him when you entered. Maybe he is in his bedroom? You steped further into his apartment. It was a big mess. You tried to comprehend what could've happened here. The TV was on, adding some noise to the otherwise quiet space. Some old snacks that have neither been fully eaten nor thrown away, covered the floor. It surely wasn't healthy for him to life in all this trash.

You finally went upstairs and pressed the door handle down slowly after knocking and getting no reply. Who knows, maybe he's sleeping? However  you suddenly heard a faint crying sound instead of the silence. What's happening to him? Thousands of thoughts were running in your head, creating one scenario worse than the other. "Renjun?" You softly called out his name and fully opened the door. He turned his head and body to look at you, surprised by your arrival. His eyes were more red than white and his face looked as white as freshly fallen snow did.

"Y/n? W-what are you doing here?" He looked at you with what you could only assume was an angered expression. You slowly approached him and sat down on his mattress beside him. You hesitantly leaned your head on his shoulder and put your hand on his thigh, joining his own one. Oh, how often you had fiddled with his slender fingers before. They were just as beautiful as the art they created, but now they were just dried skin and bone. You were convinced, something bad happen to him!

"And why are you crying?", you asked him in return, probably a bit too late, but not that it matered anyways. He kept quiet for about a minute, before taking a deep breath and forcing those awful words out of his mouth. "I have a disease! I-I have cancer..." He closed his eyes tightly to hold himself back from sobbing. The fear that lived within him ever since the doctor told him he was going to die earlier than expected, suddenly skyrocket in your presence.

Shutting you out in the hope of making you forget him, had been so much easier than seeing your heart break right in front of him. You didn't deserve the pain he caused you, so why...? Why are you still here y/n? Why couldn't you stay away from me? "So that's the reason why you pushed me away? The reason you avoided me? Why didn't you tell me? Renjun? Explain it to me. Please explain everything." you looked at his eyes that beared so many emotions, while he bit his chapped lips.

"I-I don't know. I... I was just so, so scared. Actually, I-I knew I had cancer... It... They told me a year ago."

His confession was interrupted by a hiccup. He started crying again and put his hand on his face. You've been together for 3 years and he kept this a secret for all the time, telling you just now? "I-I'm only going to live for one more week. My doctor said there is no other way for me." Why? Why did he need to leave like this? Couldn't he be healthy and grow old with me? Searching in your confused and helpless mind you looked for a solution.

"Hey, i-it's okay. Its not your fault! I-I could spend all my money for your surge-", but he cut you off with a harsh movement by his hand. "You heard what I said. There's no chance, y/n!" Now your eyes were filling with tears, blurring your sight. This can't be true! "You said you would never leave me. You- You promised." The tears poured out of their home, painting a wet line down your cheeks until they dropped down your chin, falling. You too, felt like falling. You were so angry, but not at him, no, he didn't wanted this either. You were angry at the situation. At the fact that you couldn't do Anything.

Watching your little emotional breakdown, Renjun stayed quiet. After he had avoided meeting you for so long, seeing you come back to him, crying with him, still caring for him, there was only one thing he wanted. "Y/n? Can I ask for one last thing, before death is taking me?" He moved his hand to your shoulder, pressing it softly. "Anything for you, Renjun!" You desperately looked into his eyes, meeting his softened expression. "I just want to spend my last week with you. Please. One last time?"

Day 2

Standing in the kitchen for about half an hour, you had made a healthy breakfast for the two of you, since he loved your cooking. You poured some hot porridge into his favourite bowl and placed it on the tray. Walking slowly to not drop anything you brought the food to his bedroom. He was still asleep, looking utterly peaceful.

While you put the tray on a near small table, you called his name softly, to wake him up. Upon hearing his name, his eyelids fluttered open. Still a bit sleepy, he rubbed his eyes and gave you a questioning look. "I made some porridge for you. Should I... feed you?" You smiled at him shyly. He could just nod his head, feeling exhausted even after taking such a long nap.

You sat down beside him and took the spoon to feed him. He followed your every move as you put the still warm porridge in his mouth. A big smile suddenly stretched across his cheeks. "I knew your cooking would never disappoint me!", he complimented, making you giggle. Yet, you couldn't ignore the sad feeling in your chest, knowing you had to accept the fact that he was going to die soon. Only five days would be left after today.

Of course Renjun noticed the way your expression changed. “I dont like to see you sad. Please smile for me” He grabbed your other hand too, making you smile. The smile only he got to see. You don't even know if the sweet smile you were currently wearing on your face would show up for another guy, but for now it seems like it is just for Renjun, who finally noticed the bracelet on your wrist.

"You still wear that bracelet?” His eyes fixated on your wrist. You just watched him with sparkling eyes, while thinking back to how you got that gift.  “Of course! It looks so pretty and it bears a lot of memories for me!” He smiled at you with just the same sparkles glowing in his eyes, making your heart beat unbelievable fast in your chest. You didn't knew why, but the comforting feeling of love, the love created between the two of you, filled your now shared room. Softly touching your own cheeks you felt how they heated up.

“It's- wait... I gave you the bracelet 5 years ago, when it was your birthday? A-and we still didn't turn into lovers that day, did we?”, his eyes widened. You simply nodded and started chuckling, him joining not much later. Of course you could still remember the day he gave you the precious bracelet. He was being so shy back then, when he planned to give it to you. Haechan, Mark and all the other dreamies kept hyping him up, after he gave it to you.

“You know what? I really can't believe our relationship will just end soon. I really thought we would last longer. I'm sorry!” He smiled at you again, but this time it was a sad smile. You sighed, closing your eyes in agony. “It's not your fault, it never was, Renjun! After all, these moments are the most precious ones that we have. Trust me, I will love and remember you until I take my last breath!” I'll really do! Besides bringing it up first, you hated talking about his disease so much.

Not because you blamed it on him. Not because you couldn't believe, he was going to die soon, no. You hated talking about it because you feared being left behind. You hated the fact that you'll eventually forget about him. That you'll forget how he smelled, how his hands felt, how his hugs felt. And the worst thing was, that you'll forget how it felt to be loved by him. When did all your laughter turn into cries?

Day 4

"Look! It's your favourite flower!” Renjun points his finger to a small bunch of flowers in the middle of the park. You loved going to this park with him before and today wasn't any different. Softly swining your linked hands back and forth and slowly walking near your favourite flower felt like one of those cliché moments from a drama. Especially when you kneeled down to smell on it.

The heavy, but lively smell of the rose lingered in your nose, bringing up even more memories. Renjun gave you one of those exact roses, when he had confessed that he liked you. A small grin made it's way to your lips. “It looks so pretty.”, Renjun said while putting his arm around your shoulders, “Pretty like you!” You couldn't help, but roll your eyes. This was typically him. Renjun loved to compliment and tease you at the same time

You loved the moments when he was simply being himself. He was acting different. Usually he would be rather harsh, or how people liked to put it, ignorant towards other people’s feelings. But he always cared for you. You were his soft spot. It was only normal that couples had little fights from time to time, but renjun never let the two of you be angry at each other for a long time.

He always was the first one to apologize, or if it wasn’t his mistake, he would still want to make up, inviting you to do something that you liked. His classic line which always worked was weather you would want to eat some food ugh him. It was one of the many personality traits that you liked about him

“Ah! I really want to draw the pond and swan over there! It’s unbelievable pretty!” He excitedly took out his paintings tools and moved the stuff around until it stood perfectly within his reach while drawing. You just followed him and tried to not get in his way.

Tipping the smallest brush into the water glass, he started to draw the perfect scenery in front of you. He truly was talented at this. You couldn’t help but admire the way he let the colors dance on the Canva “Your drawing is so unbelievable. It really does look like it’s real”

His face lit up,once the words left your mouth “This is the last painting I”ll before I’m gone. I want it to be perfect!”he still smiled at you, but his eyes showed how he truly felt. The sadness dominating any other feels. Once again, you sighed. It has been almost 3 years, since you’ve been a couple and now you two just stood there, waiting for him to leave

Quickly noticed How your mood shifted towards a bad one, you tried to change the topic

There will be enough time for me to sad once he left

“Do you remember that this place is the first place we met and-“ “The place where I confessed my feelings for you?” He finished your sentence with a smirk. Chuckling you nodded at the statement

That day he called you and asked you to meet him at the park “ can you cell me?” was that he said, when he actually was going to confess to you. You can’t forget that day. You never will. It’s a very precious moment to you, even if he stuttered a lot and the confession felt really awkward too

“Your birthday is this week, isn’t it?” Renjun suddenly asked. You stopping your thoughts. Right, you totally forgot about your birthday. Surprised you just hummed and nodded. “What do you want for your birthday?” You didn’t need to think twice “I just want you stay alive and healthy. I wish you could always be my side” you smile confidently

That will never happen

It was obvious to renjun, but to avoid you sadder he just smile sweetly at you instead of responding “Can we go somewhere after this? Maybe the shopping mall?” You asked him. He looked at you and hugged you close to his chest “Of course!”

He would spend his time with you wisely and make sure that every precious and special moment will never be forgotten

Day 7

I can't lose him! Please!

You buried your face into his shoulder and grabbed his sweater like your own life depended on holding it. You couldn't believe he was going to die in less than a day. He couldn't... Your fragile, pathetic hope only faded more when he started coughing. In the last few days his condition extremely worsened and you tried to understand why people needed to suffer before dying so much. Isn't death enough?

“It's your birthday tomorrow, isn't it?”, he quietly asked while stroking your back.  “Yes” Your answer was barely loud enough to hear, being muffled by his neck. Still, you hugged him only tighter, afraid of finally losing him. “Y/n, I'm so sorry if I'm not able to be with you tomorrow to celebrate your birthday.” You knew what’s he meant. No, this couldn't be happening! Why were you suddenly to dumb to accept it?

“Please find a better guy than me. A guy who will make you happy, who will stay loyal to you and only loves you. Find a guy who will stay by your side forever. Don't find another guy who'll make you feel dissapointed.” You wanted to tell him, that he never disappointed you, but he already pulled you into a sweet kiss. His lips felt so soft. Soft but rough. It was like your first kiss with him. It was like your first night with him. But in reality, it was your last kiss with him. Yet you saw it as another moment that had been created in this special time.

“You know... I am never going to stop loving you!” You said and looked at him. His face was so pale, you could see the soft blue shining through it. “Me too, honey. There are 7 billion people on this earth but I fell in love with you. We have been a long journey together. Everyone can fall in love but not everyone has a happy ending with it. I'm sorry that I couldn't keep my promise, Y/n!” I know, Renjun.

The worst part for you was that it all happened so fast. But somehow you still hoped this was only a dream. That you would wake up to a healthy Renjun wishing you a happy birthday. Finally the clock was showing 12 AM. It was your birthday. Sounding just as sleepy as you felt he whispered a soft “Happy birthday, Y/n!” He stroked your hair while looking at you with loving eyes, a smile on his lips for the last time, before you both fall asleep under your shared blanket.

Not knowing, that they were his last words.

Day 8

You woke up from a deep slumber and moved your blanket. You saw that Renjun was still ‘sleeping’. Softly you shaked him to wake him up, with no sign of success. He didn't response in any way. After a few more times of you trying to wake him up and him still not moving an inch, you tried to recall which date it was today.

No, it can't be.

Yesterday was the last day you would spend with him. One week. Seven days. All moved by faster than you could remember. In your final hope you searched for his heartbeat, but you didn't hear anything. You couldn't. Now you would need to accept the fact that he was gone. Forever.

You start sobbing. "Renjun, please wake up. Please!" Despite your wobbly arms, you shook his body, screaming so uncontrollably loud that it even hurt your ears. It's my birthday. Today is supposed to be a happy day. This has to be a nightmare. I'll always be by your side. Resonating in your mind you hear a faint voice, but you just ignore it. Renjun was right. Not everyone has a happy ending. And you were certainly one of them.

I'm sorry for breaking our promise

©ɴᴄᴛᴡᴏʀsᴛsᴛᴜғғ@/ᴛᴜᴍʙʟʀ

[fandom-blackhole]

Now that I have time and some motivation let's get down to business.

Paz also has tattoos for you,

One of your name in mando'a,

Second of the star constellation that you spotted on your trip, we love our wiccan king,

He'd 10000% be the guy to get his child's birth date tattooed,

Paz posting his precious doggo on instagram?,

Oh or Paz starting a culinary YouTube channel???,

And also showing his of the grid lifestyle?,

showing his animal rescue and promoting adoptions!,

He is buffy, handsome, funny, loves children and animals, dresses good and is the best chef, so there are many fanboys and fangirls in his comments thirsting over him,

When the comments asking if he is single get too overwhelming, he asks you to tune in for some vlogs,

You'd definitely film a mukbang video!!,

And also these crazy spicy noodle challenges,

Boba accidentally disliking all of Paz' videos?? (we are still onto tech-grandpa Boba? 😂),

You have to make sure that he doesn't post any pictures done by his hand,

He'd retweet funny clips of cats and cute pictures from Jango Investigation company's official profile,

Also him leaving embarrassing comments on your profile?

Or not knowing that there is function to dm you on instagram,

So he comments on your recent holiday trip picture ''you looked good in this swimsuit princess, shame on me I tore it apart'' or ''looking tempting babygirl, be ready, sir will be home soon'',

Din doesn't really care for sm?,

Like he used to be a casual user,

But one day people were flooding his comments and dms, spamming him with @pascalisapunk,

He noticed that you were watching youtube kids with Grogu,

(oh now I hope you will know what is going on) Grogu really likes watching cocomelon,

So Din tricked him to watching PewDiePie instead,

You don't like it tho, thinking these videos are too edgy and stupid for both of them,

''Din you've watched too many of these videos and you became a brain-rotten himbo I don't want the same to happen to our son!'',

Din and Grogu playing Minecraft together? 🥺,

Also Paz has the best town in Animal crossing for sure!,

Surprise, surprise Boba actually likes and knows how to(!!!) play Mafia game (well it's from 2002 so maybe that's why lol),

But he is the king of board games,

Especially Monopoly!!!

Also not to mention cars games,

He made you play strip poker with him 😳,

Paz and you doing a baby shower at his restaurant!!,

Imagine big daddy bear Paz with a little babygirl 😍😍😍, (Bummer that we don't have an official name for the Armorer, could be honored by Paz naming his baby after her 😭),

Grogu telling his friends at school that his daddy is also an actor lol,

Few days later bunch of 5 year olds are asking him if this is the way to the restroom, if he can bring in some hot chocolate, and doing the baby yoda batuu sound at him lol,

Poor Din, but he secretly loves it, he just loves children,

So imagine his combustion when you tell him that you are having a little Djarin 😍,

Paz helping with babyshower??,

And Boba is totally on buying you a new, bigger apartment as a gift lol,

''What, Djarin? Can't have my little nephew and favorite sister-in-law who is pregnant living in your excuse of an apartament'' lol Boba has no chill,

Grogu gets addicted to bubble tea,

And it isn't because of your introduction, you knew better not to let him drink too often,

But everyday, after coming back from the kindergarten Din and Grogu would stop by your favorite bubble tea shop,

Grogu totally wants a little brother!,

And Din is thinking about a little babygirl or better, why not both, or even better two little boys and a little girl and Grogu being their big bro 😍,

You better be ready for some intensive wrestling sessions,

You and Din have no idea why, but lately, he seems to cum A LOT MORE,

When Boba carries out the tradition you are pregnant,

Pregnant with twin boys,

And the look identical, like they were literally cloned 😉,

Boba wouldn't throw a huge babyshower,

He is too afraid after the incident involving you and the rival syndicate,

Actually Boba decided that you should move from the downtown, to live in a more low-key area,

So you are now living in a palace 😉 in the suburbs

Boba gets you a private driver and a bodyguard,

But most of the time he tries to drive you to work since you both have offices in the downtown area,

Your daily commute can get really pleasurable for both of you 😳,

Boba has his own shooting range lol, king of extra right?

One day when you were babysitting Grogu at your place you found out that Boba was teaching the kid about shooting,

You were furious,

''C'mon princess, haven't I told you about me and my father? He showed me how to use a gun when I was even younger than Grogu'',

Srsly, this man,

Giving him a death glare you take Grogu and treat him for some bubble tea

-🐣

Oh yeeesss let's get to business....

Paz's tattoos 😭😭😭 so cute (kind of reminds me of my dad, he has all of our names)

Paz totally has an Instagram dedicated to Ad'ika

Paz being thirsted after on his YouTube is so cute

But his followers also really ship the two of you, because you both are just couple goals

Paz makes you the cutest anniversary video and posts it to his YouTube

Paz is a total gamer, he absolutely loves Animal Crossing and he makes a whole section of his town dedicated to you

Paz throws the absolute cutest baby shower and anyone and everyone is invited

You both decide to wait until after the baby is born to find out the gender, and Paz has a raffle going on at the restaurant where people can guess the gender

Armorer = Amira? Amara? Andromeda??

He makes you both cute matching sweaters for your characters

Paz is the one that introduced Grogu to minecraft

Boba cause so much havoc on social media

He totally is leaving thirst comments under your pictures on Instagram not realizing everyone else can see them too

You have a Instagram set up for Fennec too because she is just so photogenic, at least when you take the pictures

I think Boba is actually pretty proficient at using Twitter, and its more or less because he uses it to stalk people 9/10

You have a tumblr where you tease and make fun of Boba, mostly posting quotes or the silly pictures that Boba takes

Boba totally dominates at any board game, but especially Monopoly

That game of strip poker did not last long at all, and you think Boba quite literally was hiding aces up his sleeves

Boba makes sure you are always thoroughly satisfied before he drops you off at work every morning

When Boba finds out you're pregnant he celebrates, and its huge

He starts going all out buying anything and everything he can/wants

When he finds out its twin boys he is over the moon

Names for the boys, Jango and Jaster? Rex and Cody??

Boba totally buys some big house outside of town, that has anything and everything you could ever ask for

It also has a panic room and state of the art safety because Boba isn't taking chances with you or the boys

Also, bringing the babysitting saga to the modern au 😭😭

You walk in on Boba handing Grogu a gun and you flip out, yelling at him

He just shrugs and you take Grogu away and say that your kids WILL N O T learn how to do any of that stuff until they are atleast teenagers

Boba pouts because you ruined his and Grogu's bonding time

When Din comes to pick up Grogu, Grogu looks him in the eye and says "cocksucker"

Din has a heart attack and Boba laughs as you yell at him asking where he heard that

Grogu says that he heard uncle Boba say it while on the phone

Din tries to follow Paz’s recipes from his YouTube, and it always turns out badly and you have to come in and save it

Din totally loves Pewdiepie's humor

Din gets frustrated with social media and ends up just making an empty account so he can follow you and watch videos, but after the whole Pedro Pascal disaster he never posts anything

Grogu and you are his profile picture though

When Grogu goes around telling the kids at school he is the mandalorian he just sighs

And when all of the kids start quoting the show, he just starts quoting them back so they will stop bothering him

When Din announced the pregnancy Paz got so excited to have another nephew/niece

Paz lets Din hold the baby shower at the restaurant and he makes all of the food, including little gender reveal cake pops

Paz gifts the two of you a photo album at has pictures of the two of you and grogu, but it is still half empty so you can add more memories of your expanding family

Boba just hands Din house keys a day says the place is paid off and he's covering the bills for the first year (he also had a nice play set built in the backyard for Grogu)

[fear-is-nameless]

I get that Sean is busy and stuff. But he is just reusing Anti stuff now and I'm kinda dissapointed as we haven't gotten anything new or exciting in what feels like forever. I feel bad saying this. But I think I'm tired of his Ego's? I don't wish to sound rude or offensive. I still LOVE Sean! He is a gud boi and trys his best! But his Ego Content feels like it's just a bunch of old stuff reused to death and teases at only to lead up to nothing. I just can't get excited anymore and im sorry.

Nothing to be sorry about, since I (even though we might be in the minority) feel the same way.

But honestly I think Sean’s tired of the egos, to a point. He’s the one (during his Tours and at PAX) in March/ April of 2018 talked about wanting a ‘huge video’ with all the egos happening later that year, along with Bro Average Part 2. He’s the one who put in a “2019″ in an already suspicious thumbnail in late December of that same year. That was in 2018. He’s the one who constantly has said how much he loves these characters, and has great plans in the works, and how things are coming together, and promised more things with them in the future.

You can only hear the same hype for so long until you no longer believe it, or at the very least doubt its’ authenticity.

Now 2020 has been an absolute sh*tstorm, and I 100% understand why we haven’t gotten anything. That’s OK. However, if Sean’s too afraid of disappointing us (or just disappointment/ negative criticism), has no longer any interest to take them any further, set the bar way too high for himself, or any other private reason I wish he would just tell us. I’m tired of the same “big” promises (for years!) with no “big” payoff.

The egos themselves I still get excited seeing in the community. LOOK at all the f*cking amazing art, stories, concepts, and talk about them STILL happening today! Everyone’s creations are awesome, and I love seeing it on social media.

But I won’t (and haven’t for a long, long time) get excited over simple talk from Sean of future stuff, not until we actually see something new happening.

These are only my opinions. Feel free to disapprove, dismiss, agree/ disagree with me with your own views.