#but like. the concept that my own parents wouldn’t want to hold me?

[nope-body]

.

[butnotbubblegum]

using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, don’t read them if you’re having a bad day, they’ll probably not help in the slightest.

[marlynnofmany]

Names Chosen Carefully

I swung into the spaceship’s kitchen with plans to grab a snack before unpacking the bags from our latest supply run, but I paused. Coals was there showing Eggskin a screen of color swatches, and it didn’t look like a menu. Could have been something medical, since Eggskin handled both the feeding and the healing of the crew, though the conversation I’d walked in on said no.

“Vehicles are an option, but I don’t know what kind are popular there,” Coals said. He acknowledged me with a nod. “And an unfavorable skimmer model would be almost as bad as an activity that’s culturally iffy.”

Eggskin was nodding thoughtfully, tapping a claw against their lizardy chin. “The activities are probably easier to research. But I do think that either a generalized space theme or something referring to home would be the way to go.”

“Yeah, but which?” Coals asked with a sigh, staring at the handscreen. “Space might be too common, or trying too hard, and home stuff might not make sense to anyone there, including the kids.”

I must have looked like a confused dog, standing there with my head cocked. Coals took pity on me. “My cousin wants advice on what to name his clutch when it hatches,” he said, holding out the handscreen. Up close, I could see that each color swatch was scales. “This is their best guess about the likely colors.”

“Ohh,” I said. “Got it.”

Eggskin asked Coals, “Are they familiar with nearly-hatched eggs, and color distortion? Many new parents guess wrong.”

I reflected that Eggskin, whose full name was “Skin of the Egg that is Translucent and Ready to Hatch,” had probably thought about the concept pretty often. Their own scale color looked more like boogers than any egg I’d ever seen, but I’d never been privy to a Heatseeker hatching. I assume other colors would show through.

Coals nodded his brick-red snout. “They live near family. Plenty of chances to observe. And he’s been there for brainstorming names on the ol’ home planet, and his mate has too, but that’s not very helpful now.” He glanced up at me. “They just moved to a space station.”

“Are there not many Heatseekers there?” I asked.

“A few, but it’s a very intercultural place. That’s why they wanted my opinion, since I travel around so much. Thought I might have some valuable insights.”

I leaned against a counter, trying not to loom. “What have you got so far?”

Coals sighed deeply. “A lot of doubts. References to home could be great, but they might just be confusing to everyone. What kind of names would you expect to hear with these?” He showed me the screen again.

I was about to object that I was hardly an expert on Heatseeker names, then the palest one caught my eye and I laughed. “Humans would nickname that one Popcorn,” I said, pointing at the white-and-yellow image.

“Popcorn?” Coals looked at it. “What is—”

“It’s food,” I said. “A popular snack from Earth. I wouldn’t expect that to be anybody’s real name though; it’s much too whimsical and silly. Well. At least with my cultural background.”

Coals and Eggskin both looked at the colors without saying anything for a long moment. Then Coals turned the screen to me again. “Would humans of your background have food associations for the others too?”

“Well,” I said, wondering whether I was just hungry. “That one looks exactly like mint chip ice cream. Oh, and that one’s cookie & cream.” They really were; it was uncanny. “I didn’t know you guys had scale patterns with that many speckles.”

“You should see my cousin,” Coals said. “He looks like a starfield. His mate is a simple dark maroon, though. Between the two of them, the genetics are all over the place. What about these other three?”

I looked at the brown-with-red, the yellow-speckled-brown, and the deep purple. “Red velvet cake, dijon mustard, and plum. Or maybe grape. But that doesn’t make as good of a nickname. You aren’t actually going to suggest these, are you? Naming the kids after another planet’s food seems like everyone might expect them all to be familiar with that planet. Pretty sure a couple of those foods might actually be poisonous to you, too.” I flicked a glance at Eggskin, who was thankfully nodding in agreement.

“Naming a child after a toxic foreign food would do them no favors,” Eggskin said. “An adult might wear such a name proudly, but I would fully expect a youth to be pressured into eating their namesake at some point, especially if they lived somewhere it was readily found.”

I nodded too, looking to Coals.

“But,” Coals said. “It doesn’t have to be foreign food.”

I started to ask what he meant, then suddenly remembered a bit of cultural trivia. “It’s good luck to name spaceships after food, right? Does that go for people too?”

Eggskin chuckled while Coals stared intently at the colors. “It can,” Eggskin said. “It’s rather bold, though. An audacious claim that a set of parents can confer enough luck on all their offspring for them to always have food available. Very daring.” They looked at Coals with an amused expression, which Coals didn’t look up to see.

“That fits my cousin surprisingly well,” he said instead.

I smiled. “Are there Heatseeker foods that would fit these colors?”

“I can think of several.” Coals changed the screen to a text field and began typing. “This is perfect. Thank you so much.”

“Happy to help!” I said.

Eggskin suggested, “Be sure to remind them they should research any food they’re considering, and find out what associations their new neighbors are likely to have. Some things translate terribly.”

“No kidding!” I laughed, standing up and moving toward the snack cabinet. “I still remember the spaceships Worm Jerky and Raw Flesh.”

~~~

These are the ongoing backstory adventures of the main character from this book.

Shared early on Patreon! There’s even a free tier to get them on the same day as the rest of the world.

The sequel novel is in progress (and will include characters from these stories. I hadn’t thought all of them up when I wrote the first book, but they’re too much fun to leave out of the second).

[topazy]

Tomorrow's promise

Pairing: Daryl Dixon × OC, Rick Grimes × sister OC

Warnings: Swearing, violence, blood

Chapter: 3.07

“Aunt Lily! Aunt Lily!” Carl runs towards you holding a green balloon in the shape of a dog; he shows you it proudly. “Look what my dad made me; it’s so cool.”

Smiling, you ruffle his hair. Being surrounded by screaming kids with sticky hands and zero concept of personal space was your idea of hell, but it was worth it to see Carl enjoying his sixth birthday party. His friends from school and a few from his soccer team had attended the party being held in your brother's backyard, and now that the sugar rush and excitement of new toys were catching up with your nephew, his eyes were becoming a lot heavier as his friends started to be picked up by their parents.

You smile, feeling Shane’s lips brush against the curve of your ear. “You want to bail out soon? The little man looks as if he’s about to crash soon, and Lori will rope us into cleaning up.”

“Hmm, what are you thinking?”

Chucking, he kisses the side of your head and then your cheek. “I’m thinking of taking my pretty girl out for dinner and a late-night movie.”

You motion to the cooler full of ice cubes and bottles of beer sitting on the opposite end of the wooden table you were standing beside. “Do you think we could sneak a few of those with us for the movie?”

“That would be stealing, ma’am.”

“Well, I know a few ways to keep out of trouble, deputy.”

Standing up, you smooth out your yellow sundress just as your brothers walk by with a couple of on-duty cops who had dropped by to suck up to Rick by giving Carl a gift. You smile politely at them before leaning back into Shane’s embrace and quietly asking, “You still don’t like them, huh?”

“Rivers and Young?” He finished the dregs in his cup. “The kids have a lot to learn; I wouldn’t want them answering a call for my mom or my girl.”

You knew Shane wasn’t saying this lightly; he often gave rookies the benefit of the doubt.

Groggily, you stare up at the ceiling, feeling devoid of any real emotion as you think back on old memories. Once you had fought to push to the back of your mind because you found thinking of the chain of events that came from that party so upsetting. Jace’s babbling pulls you from your trail of thought. He crawls up onto you, his saliva drooling onto your top. “Thanks, kid.”

He babbles some more, as if he were communicating in his own way.

“Yeah, yeah.” You tickle Jace’s cheek with his finger. His smile lightens your mood slightly. “You’re the best thing I’ve ever done, you know that?”

You slide your fingers over Jace’s dark hair as he leans his head on your chest. Sighing, you close your eyes again, but the peacefulness only lasts for a few moments. The second you hear the noise of crutches tapping against the prison flooring, you open your eyes and sit upright.

“Is everything okay, Hershel?”

“How’s your leg feeling today?”

When you returned to the prison, Hershel stitched up your leg to stop the bleeding, but there wasn’t anything he gave you to help ease the pain. “It feels as if it’s getting better, thanks.”

The older man leans against the cell doorway, his eyes crinkled with exhaustion. “I just thought you would want to know Glenn took Carl looking for the breach. They’ve just come back.”

—

You stormed to the other side of the cellblock, where most of your group was gathered. Beth was humming to your niece, Judith, while Glenn explained that they didn’t find the breach. Maggie looks up, surprised when she sees you looking so irritated. She forces a smile. “How’s the little stinker doing?”

“Happy to see you,” you hand her Jace before turning to glare at Glenn. “I told you not to take Carl with you.”

Glenn lets out a frustrated sigh. “Lily, we need to find this breach fast. For all we know, our home could be filled up with walkers or the governor's men at any moment.”

“Exactly, which is exactly why you shouldn’t have taken a thirteen-year-old with you. Carl’s just a kid!” You wave your arm between the two of them and say, "Look at how much blood you are covered in. How many walkers did you need to kill just to get out?”

Glenn shakes his head. Instead of bonding over the trauma you had gone through together, the experience was causing friction between you. Your friendship with Glenn meant a great deal to you, but keeping Jace, Carl, and Judith safe was the most important thing.

Hershel tries to intervene and calmly says, “I still think we should go; we still have time.“

“For the last time, we aren’t running!” Glenn snaps, frustrated.

“We should have grabbed things and left last night; this place isn’t worth dying over.” In your mind, the only reason you had to stay was waiting on Daryl coming back, but you had no idea when he would return, and by then you might have all been slaughtered like cattle by the governor. “We survived living on the road before without any transport. This time, we have multiple cars to use.”

“Last time Hershel had two legs, we didn’t have a screaming baby.”

“What are you even talking about? Jace was with us the entire time, and we survived.”

“Yeah, but we got lucky with Jace not being able to hear loud noises.”

“What did you just say?”

Glenn stares at you with his mouth agape. You glance at Carol and Maggie, who both lower their heads. You are in a constant state of denial, refusing to accept the reality of your situation. Jace’s hearing wasn’t what it should be, but hearing Glenn say it so harshly, it feels like a physical blow to the gut, as if he'd punched you.

“Lil-”

You lick at your dry lips, then turn to face Carl and say, “From now on, you only listen to me or your dad.”

Carl looks like he wants to protest, but he nods without saying anything. You take Jace from Maggie, and in a softer tone, you say, “Right, munchkin, let’s get you cleaned up.”

“Lily,” Glenn calls out, “I just meant—”

“Seriously, just leave it.”

—

Standing outside, you lean against one of the cars, watching your brother mumble to himself while wandering outside the prison gates. You had tried to get him to come back inside, but he wasn’t listening. You had left Jace inside to play with the toys Daryl had found under the watchful eyes of Beth. You were well beyond being hacked off; Rick was so damn busy chasing ghosts to even notice how much you needed him; and Daryl was gone. You knew why he was gone, but you were growing tired of feeling so alone.

Hearing voices, you look over your shoulder and see Hershel chasing after Glenn on his crutches. “You’re not going back to Woodbury, are you?”

“No. I’m just going out there.”

“I’ll go with you,” Hershel offers.

“I got it.”

“By yourself? How can you possibly think that’s a good idea?”

“I can’t just sit on my hands,” he resorts defensively. “I’ve got to do something to keep Maggie and everyone else here safe. I’ve already failed once.”

“Glenn, nobody blames you for what happened to you and Lily. There was no way you could have known what would happen; there was no way to prevent it.”

“With Daryl gone and Rick wandering crazy towns, I’m the next in charge.”

“Like hell you are,” you frown, making your presence known. “You want to keep Maggie safe, then be here to do it. I get that you’re mad and frustrated because I’m the exact same, but we can’t be making rash decisions.”

Glenn brushes by you and opens the car door without saying a word.

“We’ve already lost Shane, Lori, T-dog... I don’t want you to be the next person we lose.”

Without even glancing back at you and Hershel, he drives off.

—

You and Rick exchange a look as Hershel tries to talk some sense into him, but you knew from the look in his eyes that he was too far gone to register the advice on grief the older man was giving him. Sighing, you go to the wired-up hole in the fence and start to untie it. You’d be damned if you were leaving him as walker bait any longer; he might not have listened to you before, but now you weren’t giving him a choice.

“Lily, stay behind the fence. It’s dangerous out here.”

“No shit-”

A bullet whizzes past your ear, narrowly missing as it skims the top of your shoulder. The sound of gunfire fills the air as you frantically scan the area for the source. Adrenaline pumping, you grab hold of Hershel and pull him with you as you drop to the ground, heart racing in your chest.

Your brother's pained voice echoes loudly, “Lily!”

You feel the heat from where the bullet grazed your skin, leaving a burning sensation. Your vision blurs momentarily as you struggle to focus amidst the chaos.

“Rick, you need to get back inside the fence!”

Using the long grass of the field in the prison yard as cover, you roll onto your stomach and peak up to see the direction of the shooter and see three different men. The governor is one of them.

Son of a bitch.

Rick was pinned down, and you could hear bullets coming from the opposite side of the courtyard, which meant they had someone right outside the prison. The governor was firing bullets into the air; the way he was wasting bullets meant he had a vast supply. You watch in horror as a van crashes through the fence, and you duck down lower to avoid being seen by hun.

The stench of decay hits your nose, and at the same time, the sound of snarling hits your ears, and you realize the drivers realized walkers into the field.

“Lily, Hershel, get the hell out of there!”

Hershel fires at the undead, trying his best to keep them at bay. Knowing you don’t have many bullets left, you grip the cold, rusted pole that’s lying on the ground and use it to stab Walker in the head. With so many undead people surrounding him, the governor and his men retreat.

“Fuck, there are too many of them!”

More walkers enter the field, attracted by all the noise, their eyes filled with hunger and malice. You can see their twisted limbs and rotting skin as they approach. Another wave of dread courses through you when you hear another vehicle course through, but thankfully it was Glenn returning and not another van full of walkers.

He pulls the truck over, and Michonne, who you didn’t even realize was in the field, jumps inside, then Glenn drives it over to where you are. Hearing a cry for help, watch as Rick backs up against the fence, trying to fight off multiple walkers at once.

“No, no, no!” You try to run to him, but Glenn and Michonne drag you back and force you into the truck. “We need to go back; we can’t leave him!”

“He’s not alone!”

When the vehicle approaches the prison yard, Maggie and Carl open the gate to let the truck through. Soon as it stops, you jump and hug Carl. “Are you okay? You hurt?”

“No, but you are.”

“I’m okay, we’re okay.” You look around and notice Axel’s body laying on the ground, he had been shot in the head. “Carl, go back instead and stay with Jace and Judith, okay?”

“I’ll go with him,” Beth says, and the two of them go back inside.

You walk as close as you can to the fence without a walker being able to reach you through the holes, and you watch as Daryl and Merle fight off walkers alongside your brother.

Glenn taps your good shoulder and says, “You should get inside so Hershel can check you over.”

“I’ll wait… Thanks for saving our asses.”

“Always,” he says, giving you a knowing look. “What the hell happened?”

“Whatever this was, it’s only the beginning.”

[tearsoftime0086]

Small Heartsteel Settphel fic inspired by some fun idea bouncing with friends :) Sett's mother is really harping on him to go out and find love - what she and Aphelios don't know is that he already has someone in mind...

~

“You’re almost 30, Settrigh! It’s time to start thinking about settling down. Having a family.”

Aphelios peeks through the half-open door to Sett’s room. He’s resting lazily in bed, phone in one hand and twirling earbud wires in the other. The two of them match eyes.

“Your mother?” Aphelios signs. Sett grins and nods.

“Ma, you make it sound like I’m two steps away from my deathbed.”

“You never know! It’s best to be prepared about these things.” comes her chirping voice over speakerphone.

Sett shakes his head and laughs. It’s a deep belly laugh, one that tells all three of them he’s not taking her seriously. “I’ll keep it in mind, Ma.”

“I just don’t want to see you lonely, Settrigh. Who will you have when I pass on?”

It’s at this point Aphelios realizes he should come back later, but Sett holds out a hand to stop him. “One sec,” he mouths, before turning back to the phone. “Now don’t talk about that, Ma. You’re gonna outlive all of us.”

“Tch – you shouldn’t say things like that to your mother. It’s improper for a parent to bury their child.”

“You’re taking this way too seriously,” he responds, “But I’ll keep it in mind, Ma.”

“You should. And don’t eat too much of that protein mix! It’s bad for your skin.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Sett murmurs, “Hey Ma, I’ll call you later – something just came up. Love you.” He stares at the phone fondly before looking back up at Aphelios. “Sorry, did you need me for something?”

The remnants of Sett’s fondness remain on his face – the soft curve of his smile, the crinkle around his eyes. Aphelios freezes, before realizing Sett’s now talking to him. Haphazardly taking out his pad, he writes, “Wanted your thoughts on some instrument tracks, that’s all.”

 “Sure, I can take a listen,” he says, standing up and moving over to his desk. Aphelios shuffles over as well, trying to grab his laptop out of his bag on the way.

Cursing his luck, Aphelios realizes he exited the song file and needs to load it again. “Sorry,” he signs rapidly, before writing out the rest of his apology. “Didn’t mean to waste your time.”

“You’re not wasting my time,” Sett responds. A small pause, before scoffing. “Has Ezreal been on your case for that?”

A hesitant nod, but one, nonetheless.

“Don’t worry about it. It's nothing personal – he’s just used to the idol circuit. Everything’s so streamlined there.”

“I also cut the call with your mother short,” Aphelios scribbles.

“Ah that?” Sett laughs, patting him all too firmly on the back. “You did me a favor. If I'd talked with her any longer she would’ve gone into the ‘You’re going die single and alone’ part.”

The file’s fully loaded at this point, and Aphelios debates whether or not to go straight into business. But no, he has to satisfy his own curiosity.

“Are you interested in anyone?” he writes, the plainness of the text hiding his sheer anxiety in jotting down each word.

Sett hums. “Maybe. Maybe not. Why do you ask?”

He feels his cheeks go red. Aphelios ducks, trying to hide it under his bangs. “For band reasons. The media wouldn’t like it if they found out you were dating a fan.”

“Well, I never said it was a fan,” Sett says. “But hey, looks like the song’s done.” He shakes the pair of earphones in front of him. “Let’s take a listen through these first. You know, average listener and all that.”

As Sett passes him an earbud, Aphelios lets himself imagine that he’s the subject of Sett’s feelings. Just thinking about it causes his heart to race. He takes the earbud, almost sure his face is flaring red right now. He has to snap out of it – stay professional, for god’s sake. Sett’s one of the biggest stars in the world, and he’s just the lucky instrumentalist in his concept band. They operated on different scales.

 Sett coughs lightly. When Aphelios flips over to him, there’s a humorous glint in his eyes as he gestures to the play button.

For a moment, it makes his pining wish seem like a reality.

[fangirl-writes]

Macking on a Pogue

Topper Thornton x Fem!Reader

Warning(s): swearing?

Request: Hi would you be willing to do Topper Thornton from outed banks if so I would love an imagine exactly like the John b one you wrote for me except the reader is a Pogue please if not it can be a Rafe Cameron imagine.

Notes: I can do that! I don’t usually write for Topper cause he’s not my favorite but I get the appeal. And it’s not exactly like “Kiss the Kook” but the concept is around the same. I had such a hard time writing this for some reason.

It was a mutual decision to keep the relationship a secret.

Topper’s parents liked Y/N well enough, they were courteous at the very least, but she wasn’t Sarah Cameron and she wasn’t a kook.

Sometimes if she was over with Topper while his parents had friends over, the friends would give her a look. Like they weren’t sure why she was there or why the Thorntons let her in their home.

Topper was the only thing keeping her around.

For all of his arrogance and privilege, he was really sweet. She never expected to fall in love with him, but she knew him. He was always boating with Sarah back when they were dating, he went to beach parties the pogues held, and attended annual bonfires where the two sides considered a truce.

And despite the annual truce, she was sure her pogues wouldn’t take it too well if they found out she was dating Topper.

And Rafe was a psycho so telling him was out of the question, which made telling Kelce out of the question as well because he couldn’t keep a secret from Rafe to save his life.

But nothing stayed a secret for long in the Outer Banks.

“How long have you been fucking Y/N L/N?” Rafe asked.

Topper paled. “What?”

The kooks and pogues were stood at odds on opposite sides of a room at the midsummer’s venue. At Rafe’s words, the pogues had frozen in shock.

That sinister smirk made its way across Rafe’s face. “Oh, you thought we didn’t know about that?”

“Rafe, stop,” Sarah pleaded, eyes jumping from kooks to pogues. 

Truthfully, Topper had hoped they were being more sneaky about things.

“No.” JJ spoke up, angrily. “No way, you’re lying out your ass, Rafe! Y/N would never date one of you pansies.”

“Come on, Top,” Rafe taunted, throwing an arm around his “friend’s” shoulders. “Tell them all about how you’ve been screwing your dirty pogue.”

Topper reacted fast and punched Rafe in the nose. “Don’t talk about her that way.”

The pogues were gaping, but Rafe seemed unfazed by the assault. He had no qualms about what he’d just likely ruined. “You got a mean swing, Top, I’ll give you that.”

Things started to click in the pogues’ minds.

Y/N had been...off lately.

She skipped out on hangouts, left the chateau early, disappeared for days on end, started dressing differently, wearing new clothes she hadn’t worn before and owned jewelry they’d never seen.

How could they have missed it?

Topper was seething. He grabbed the front of Rafe’s shirt, nearly ripping the buttons apart on his white shirt.

“Topper, stop!” Sarah shouted.

“Hey! Hey! What’s going on in here?” Kiara’s dad said, running into the room and separating the two boys. “What’s the matter with you two?”

“That little bitch has got you brainwashed, Toppy-boy!” Rafe shouted over Mr. Carerra’s arm. “Got her bottom-feeder hooks in you like they got Sarah!”

“That’s enough,” Mr. Carerra said, sharply, shoving Rafe roughly. “Let’s go have a discussion with your father. And you” - he pointed to Topper - “don’t think your parents won’t be hearing about this either.”

He and Rafe went one way and Topper went another.

“Hold the fucking phone,” JJ said, rushing after Topper with the other pogues following. “You and Y/N are dating?”

Topper didn’t answer.

“Topper wait-!”

“What? What do you guys want, huh?” Topper asked, still angry from his altercation with Rafe. “You want to ruin another one of my relationships? Because you really did a great job the first time, no need to bruise my ego any further, alright?”

“Topper we just want an explanation-”

“Well, Kiara, it’s none of your damn business.”

“Hey, don’t talk to her that way!” JJ defended. “You’re being an asshole, man!”

“Sorry, guess that’s just what us kooks are like, right?” Topper spat, walking across the dock and getting in his boat.

“Topper, wait, please!” Sarah said, but Topper was already pealing out of the marina and driving away.

“He’s gonna get himself killed driving like that,” John B. said. 

“Has anyone heard from Y/N?” Kiara asked.

And they hadn’t.

Because Y/N was cozied up in the Thornton’s beach house, sleeping through the last half of Cheaper By The Dozen and her phone dinging with a hundred messages.

Topper had to smile when he saw her.

He silenced her phone, opting to text the group chat that Y/N was asleep and perfectly fine.

He also shut off the T.V. and snuggled in next to her.

She shifted awake, snuggling into him further.

“How was the party?” She asked, groggily.

“It was fine,” Topper replied. “Would’ve rather been here with you, though.”

“Sap...”

And then she was asleep again.

Topper felt a burning regret in his chest. Regret for letting his anger get the best of him, for putting his hands on Rafe (he’d be lucky he wasn’t faced with assault charges), for letting it out on Y/N’s friends...on Sarah.

But Y/N was still there. Still willing to snuggle into his side and love him like nothing had changed. To her, it hadn’t.

The morning would change this fact.

“Good morning,” Topper whispered when the golden rays of sunshine started peaking through the curtains. 

Y/N let out a small whine and buried her face into his chest.

He chuckled. “Is it a breakfast in bed kind of morning?”

She leaned back, flopping against the pillow and looking at him with her best puppy dog eyes. “Chocolate chip pancakes?”

Topper laughed. “You got it.”

He went to get up but she snagged him, forcing him back onto the mattress.

“Not yet,” she whined. “Pancakes can wait a little bit.”

Topper glanced at the clock. “Well, if we don’t do it soon, we’ll be eating them for lunch.”

“I’m alright with that.”

He hummed and kissed the top her head. “I suppose I am too.”

She adjusted to lay her head on his chest and he ran his fingers through her hair. It was the perfect morning.

He would wake up like this every morning if he could, lost in their little bubble of paradise.

“I fucking told you!”

Topper and Y/N both shot up, Y/N holding her pocket knife aloft as a weapon.

“How long has that been under the pillow?” Topper asked.

“All night.” She paused. “I may or may not have a bunch of them hidden around the house.”

“Babe, what the fuck.”

John B., Sarah, Kiara, Pope, and JJ were stood in the doorway of Topper’s room, looking in on them with shocked and horrified looks on their faces.

“What the hell, guys?” Y/N said.

“What the hell us? What the hell you!” JJ exclaimed. “What’re you doing canoodling with Topper?”

Y/N rolled her eyes. 

“How’d you guys even get in here?” Topper asked.

“JJ got a lock-picking kit for his twelfth birthday,” Y/N answered for them. “Though he promised not to use it to invade our privacy!”

“Hey, this could’ve been an emergency!” He argued. “You could’ve been tied up in the basement for all we knew! You never answered our messages last night.”

“That’s because I was asleep like a normal person!” Y/N retorted.

“Y/N you don’t even know what happened last night,” Kiara said.

Y/N furrowed her eyebrows. “What?” She turned to Topper. “What happened last night?”

Topper avoided her eyes. “Ah...well...”

“He got into a fight with Rafe,” Pope said, ripping off the bandaid. “It was actually kind of awesome.”

“You did what?” Y/N shouted, rounding on her boyfriend.

“He was disrespecting you! He called you a dirty pogue and shit! You would’ve punched him too if you’d’ve been there,” Topper said.

“Yeah, but I wasn’t there and you’re already on probation for anger issues. God, Top, you’ll be lucky the Cameron’s don’t press charges, you know how they are. No offense, Sarah.”

“None taken.”

“Rafe won’t press charges on me,” Topper said. “Their lawyer is my lawyer too. And he’ll damn sure choose me over them.”

“Doesn’t excuse it. You know your parents are gonna be pissed about it.” Y/N said, then sighed. “I appreciate you defending my honor, but let JJ throw the punches next time, okay?”

“With pleasure,” JJ said, cracking his knuckles.

“Shut up,” Y/N told him. “And as for you guys, maybe don’t break and enter somewhere until I’ve been missing at least a whole day, okay?”

“So...this is really a thing?” Kiara asked. “You and him?”

Y/N nodded, intertwining her and Topper’s hands. “Is that okay?”

“Not that it would matter if it wasn’t,” John B. said. “But yeah, it is.”

“Fine with me,” Sarah said. “I’m glad you guys found each other.”

“I’ve honestly been rooting for you two the whole time.” Pope said with a shrug.

“JJ? Kie?”

The two of them were silent, thinking it over.

“I guess if I can forgive Sarah, I should be able to forgive Topper,” Kiara said.

Y/N smiled. “J? Ground control to Major Tom?”

JJ's face was a mix between pouting and annoyance. “I...I guess it’s fine with me, but if you hurt her, Thornton we’re going to have problems. Again.”

“Fine by me,” Topper said, smirking. “I always kick your guys’ asses anyway.”

You smack him.

“Ow!”

[we-were-beautiful]

The Fox and The Hounds pt. 4

A/N: As I live and breath I have finally finished up chapter 4. Sorry that it took so long to get it done. I love these two awkward dog parents. Up next will be my newest Poly!Feysand fic and then the next portion of love and shadows. There is some mention of violence in this one. I will also accept people who want to beta read this for me to help me find silly mistakes that I know I miss. Also all of the photos in the moodboard came from pintertest 

Summary: Its autumn court tradition to give your mate a fox kit before your ceremony. after years of knowing the Vanserra’s a mating bond snaps between the Autumn Heir and a well known smoke hound breeder

Warning: Mentions of violence and Beron being the father of the year  

 WC: 2.6k 

We had winnowed to a cabin deep in the forest of Autumn. I wasn’t sure what I was expecting, but the beautiful home in front of us was not it. When I had been told of this trip Eris had mentioned that it was his personal hunting cabin not elaborating further than that. Maybe I had been expecting the single room open floor concept cabins that my brothers had for hunting, but this fairy tale cottage nestled in the trees is anything but. The two story cabin is made of stone and dark wood and a porch wraps the whole way around the home. The barking of dogs draws my attention away from the home. All around the small clearing our hounds run freely with one another. I let out a small sigh of relief. We had shared concerns that the hounds wouldn’t get along with each other; however, it seems like they were unfounded. It is endearing to watch them run and play with one another; to watch Ramiel be reunited with one of her pups. Paprika wiggles in my arms to put her down. I gently put her on the forest floor still keeping a tight hold on her leash. I didn’t quite trust that she wouldn't just sprint off into the woods 

“This is my private home.” Eris’ voice pulls my attention back to him. “ I spend my free time here when my presence is not required at the forest house.” 

“It is beautiful, Eris.” and it's the truth, this is the kinda place that mothers tell their babes about when reading bedtime stories. A cottage like this is where a princess would live before being swept away by her prince charming. Eris holds out his arm for me to take. I gently thread my arm through his as he leads me up the walkway. 

“So will this be our main residence after the wedding?” After our mating ceremony. It seemed like a safe question to ask, in all honesty I would rather be here than trapped in the massive forest house and bound to court decorum. The jewels and finery were lovely, but I would much rather be comfortable in working clothes surrounded by my hounds

“Yes, I try to keep out of the forest house as much as possible. I’m there when Father demands it but I want to keep my private life private.” His voice did not waiver. It was no secret that Beron was cruel; he kept a tight hold on the court and an even tighter one on his family. I had unfortunately witnessed this on several occasions when my family had  been summoned to the forest house. One memory had burned into my mind and it was hard to forget it. The high lord had pitted his second born against the youngest, and I think the only thing that stopped them from killing each other had been their mother desperately begging her husband to make them stop. We had only been children at the time. I remember watching in horror, clinging to my own mothers skirts. Eris had stood beside his fathers throne, the vision of the perfect heir. He had been the one to rip the second oldest off of the youngest, but only on his fathers command. 

“I would never subject you to more of that place than absolutely necessary.” His voice pulls me out of my memories. The tension had become so thick between the two of us the silence deafening and uncomfortable. 

“Are there kennels for the hounds?” I asked desperate to break this uncomfortable feeling. 

“I am looking into having some constructed, but honestly I tend to just keep them in the house.” He seemed almost sheepish with his answer, red tinting his cheeks  “But with 20 it may not be the most manageable.” 

“I only ask because I imagine that feeding time is going to be tricky. Not to mention night time routines” I respond unconsciously, taking a step closer to the fiery haired male. “ I honestly would rather keep them in the house, but…” I trailed off. Most families kept their hounds in kennels overnight. They let the beautiful creatures roam the house during the day but come nightfall they put them into kennels. I honestly felt safer having one or two of my hounds in the house with me at night but it wasn't normal.

“It is whatever you wish my mate. If you want kennels built I will have some built; if you are fine with the dogs having free range of the house that is what we will do. This is to be your home and I would have you comfortable. If there is something that needs to be changed, then I will seek to remedy whatever it is.” He seems so much softer now that it is just the two of us. I have seen him be so cruel in our lives, but here and now when it's just the two of us he's a different person. 

“I would rather keep them in the house.” I pause “I feel safer when they are close, and if you get called away I would rather them be here with me.” to keep me safe they were the unspoken words. My hounds could be vicious when threatened, but Eris’ were on a whole different level. I had been grateful when he introduced me to his hounds that they had taken to me. It had been tense at first but by the time I was to leave the forest house I always had one or two of them trailing after me. The thought of having all of them when inevitably I am alone here put my mind at ease. 

“Then in the house they will stay.” I swear that I could see just a hint of a smile forming on his lips as we entered the home. The inside was surprisingly homey, it was a stark contrast to the cold formality of the Forest house. The main living room had two large comfortable looking sofas facing each other; a large overstuffed armchair in a worn brown leather sat facing the  massive stone fireplace. Massive windows lined one wall giving a breathtaking view of the forest behind it, another wall hosted massive bookshelves filled with books.  The coffee table between the two couches was a rustic affair carved of an old massive oak. Dog beds were scattered around the room along with various toys. For this being Eris’ private retreat it looks very well lived in. The whole space was very masculine, but I had a feeling that I could bring my own touch to the place and it would be perfect. I take a seat on one of the couches gathering paprika in lap unclipping her leash as she settles in for cuddles. 

“After the ceremony I figured that you could go through and make any changes to the place that you wish. Or we could travel to town tomorrow?” as he takes a seat on the sofa across from me. 

“I wouldn’t mind going to town. It is very homey here, but we might need to make some adjustments to make it our place.” compromise is what makes a marriage work. We have to work together and make decisions as a team. 

It settled into an awkward silence between the two of us. Neither one of us really knew what to say. It really hit home that this was our first time alone with no chaperones. No  strict parents, no nosy brothers, no courtiers in our business. I feel like I couldn’t move under his gaze; I knew Eris’ reputation. He had been nothing but polite and respectful while we were in public and surrounded by people. That could all change now that we are in private.  A loud crack of thunder broke the silence and I jumped in my seat. 

“We should probably bring in the hounds.” I break the silence and an uneasy laugh escapes me as I turn my eyes to the windows storm clouds rolling in. 

Eris stands up from his chair moving to the double doors, he opens both doors and lets out a long whistle. Within seconds all of the hounds come running into the house; suddenly the house becomes alive with noise with the jingle of tags and the clicks of nails on the hardwood and barking. It is a laughable situation as all 18 trip over one another as they run into the living room.  I feel the cushion next to me dip as one of the 18 dogs hops up next to me; I grimace as I feel a wet tongue lick at my face, I run a hand down the hounds back relishing in the warmth radiating off of its silky fur. 

“The pride of the Autumn court, vicious killers, the lot of you,  tracking down your enemies  with lethal accuracy and ripping them to shreds. And yet you act like puppies.” I laugh as the dog attempts to sit in my lap on top of poor Paprika. The fox kit scurries out of my lap with an indignant yip as the fully grown smoke hound attempts to fit on my lap.  

“Ichabod! Down.” Eris snaps at the dog who had crawled into my lap. Ichabod on the other hand showed absolutely no signs of moving. I laugh and wrap my arms around the hound.

“He’s fine Eris.” I rest my chin on Ichabod, giving him scratches “He’s just a big baby” 

“Yes, a big baby whom I have seen rip a male  to shreds.” Eris sigs before taking a seat on the opposing couch again shooing away one of the hounds that decided he needed the whole couch. Paprika perks up at the sight of Eris sitting down darting over to take up a seat in his lap since hers was so rudely stolen. He laughs long fingers gently scratching at her soft ears. 

“I’m just glad that your dogs get along with mine and they seem to like me. I would hate to imagine what would have happened if we couldn’t integrate them.” to say that the smoke hounds were territorial was putting it mildly. It wasn’t uncommon for smoke hounds to attack unfamiliar hounds, I had heard horror stories around the court of what could happen when trying to integrate two kennels. It was why Eris and I had taken major precautions after the bond had snapped. We would introduce one or two dogs at a time supervised and on leads at all times. We had finally got to the point last week where we  let all of them out together at the forest house.  

“I would rather not think about that. While I have no doubt in your skills as a breeder, that you could breed a wonderful replacement. I would hate to lose any of our hounds. Yours for their sheer pedigree alone and mine…” he pauses for a second “I raised all of mine, trained them. They work so well together. I can’t fathom what I would do If I lost one” 

Eris loved his hounds just like I love mine. We had bonded over it years ago but to hear him say it was enlightening. It was deeper than I knew before and it warmed me to my core the amount of love this male has for his hounds. I smile at the scene in front of me as Eris is surrounded by three hounds begging for attention as Paprika gets in his face demanding that he pay attention to her. I let out a laugh which caused him to look up at me. Cinnamon eyes met mine. I feel a slight tug on the bond from his end, my eyes widen as a smile grows on his face. The two of us had not really explored the bond since it snapped, there were a few times that I could feel some intense emotion from his end while we were separated and a few times where he had used it to check in on me when we were forced to attend public events. But a solid pull like this neither of us had been brave enough to try. 

“I guess I should give you a tour of the house, not just sit around playing with the hounds.” Eris moved to stand up gently placing Paprika on the floor. 

“A tour would be nice” I nudged Ichabod off my lap. He jumps down to the floor quickly running off to play with another one of the hounds. Eris had moved to stand in front of me offering his hand. I take it and stand. I had never noticed before how warm his hands are; it was almost as if fire  he wielded was coursing through his veins. He moved my hand to rest in the crook of his arm as he led me through the house.

I found myself enjoying this time with him, watching him show off his home…or rather our home. For the most part the cottage was not decorated, a clear sign that a single male had resided here.  One room stuck out to me on the tour; Eris kept an office here. Papers were scattered all over the large oak desk that dominated the room. 

“I apologize for the mess in here.” He seemed almost sheepish. “ I wanted to make sure that I had all of my work done before I came to get you so that I could focus on getting to know you and not  work.”  

It warmed me to hear that he had wanted to make sure that he was able to spend this weekend getting to know me rather than finishing up work. I knew first hand what it was like, my father depending on the workload from the forest house would sometimes end up sequestered in his office for days on end.

“Thank you, I know this whole engagement has been rather hectic. So for you to make the time to get to know me means a lot.” I gently squeezed his arm. 

 “We need all the time we can get because in two weeks we will be bound together.” he solemnly responds “I’d rather know you and at the bare minimum be your friend. We can learn to love each other later.”

He leads me away from the office showing the many guest rooms. They are spartanly decorated with just a bed and nightstand. “You can change these rooms however you please. I had no true need for them and didn’t feel that it was necessary to decorate.

I couldn’t help but let out a laugh at that. It had been such a male answer, something that I had heard before when Mother and I had visited the Illyrian camps years ago. Seems like males will have similar responses to decorating no matter what court. He stops in front of two closed doors. 

“This will be your room during your stay here.” He opens the door to reveal a cozy looking room. The room is dominated by a large bed centered on the right wall, covered in a deep maroon duvet and cream colored accent pillows. The chest of drawers and night stands were carved out of a rich walnut. Dog beds were scattered across the floor. Some one had put the time in to decorating this room “My mother decorated it for you. If you don't like it we can change it.” 

“No, no. It is perfect Eris.” I am quick to cut him off “I love it” 

“Mother will be glad to hear that. My room is across the hall.” he points to the closed door. He runs a hand through his hair. “I will leave you to get settled. The servants should have dinner ready in a few hours so I will let you rest.” 

I nod and take a step into my room “Thank you Eris.” what I am thanking him for I don’t know  after I close the door I lean against it letting my head fall back. This is going to be an awkward weekend.

[mewmaru]

Masters of All Time Breakdown

I wrote all this in my notes, I’m gonna do two parts: this, then a rewrite which is gonna take a bit.

So I decided to watch Masters of All Time. My thoughts will be below. First, I noted everything I liked, and everything I didn’t. I did this as I watched the episode to try to get details as accurately as possible. So now here are the notes I took during the episode, and my thoughts afterwards.

Also before I get started, I want to make this clear: no hate if you like this episode. I’m glad you’re able to enjoy something that was legitimately painful for me. It has a really neat concept, and that’s part of where my disappointment comes from. This isn’t a personal attack on people who enjoy the episode, just me explaining why I hate it. Let’s get into it!

Everything of note that either makes no sense, or points out a writing flaw in other points of the series

Why would clockwork even let Danny do this? Yes, he’s hesitant but Clockwork has been shown to only interfere if absolutely necessary, and seems to think most things happen for a reason. This is one of the things you could excuse though because erasing Vlad’s powers I guess seems like a good idea? But Clockwork should know that something big will happen in result, that fuck Danny himself could not be a ghost or stop existing at all, like yeah Sam and Tucker won’t be infected but they may not even know him at all? At least Clockwork is like yeah you’re gonna learn thing the hard way but eh. Idk you could excuse this one but still doesn’t make sense to me.

How the fuck didn’t Danny realize how big of a difference one small change was gonna make. Like, his parents being ghost hunters and like, still together? Did he not realize that Vlad not having ecno acne was going to change a lot? The incident separated him from Jack and Maddie so him actually still being in their life could change a lot???? Like idk I get Danny’s just a teen but did he learn nothing from The Ultimate Enemy

Twenty years later Jack still has the ecno acne; we don’t have an exact say on why Vlad’s went into remission but it likely had to do with ghost powers and years of hospitalization, was Jack not hospitalized? Wouldn’t he be dead from it?

Okay this one is a big gripe for me. WHY DOES JACK PLASMIUS LOOK LIKE VLAD PLASMIUS? Was that specific strain of ecno acne the vampire inspired strain or something because Vlad’s design is very intentional with his specific character, its personal to him. Jack would most definitely not have made himself look like that, especially with how he tried to do good at first. Like????

Jack hating ghosts makes sense in this world, honestly I wish Vlad shared more of a hatred for ghosts in our current timeline cause that would make a ton of sense “if it wasn’t for ghosts I wouldve never lost the love of my life” where’s that anger with Vlad?

VLAD BEING A FARMER DOESN’T FUCKING MAKE SENSE. Okay so like, you take from Bitter Reunions how he says “I didn’t have any old moves, all those years in the hospital robbed me of that” after being tackled holding a football implies he may have wanted to play football. That’s a stretch? Well his entire house is decked head to toe in packers memorabilia, and in the college photo we see HE’S WEARING PACKERS COLORS!!!! He couldn’t do an active career like football after being hospitalized, but if that never happened, why fucking. FARMING? DAIRY FARMING? HUUHHHH. WHERE DOES THIS COME FROM?

“I didn’t destroy the past, I destroyed the present!” YOU FUCKING THINK? WHAT DID YOU THINK WAS GONNA HAPPEN that like nothing else would change except Vlad not having ecno acne? Okay this one’s just a nitpick and I’m aware of that lol, Danny’s just a teen I know he wasn’t thinking about the consequences

WHHYYYYY does Vlad still live in the same castle? I know he’s the new dairy king whatever he owns that castle in the present cause he’s rich as sin, how did he become the dairy king? Maybe its explained? I’m writing this as I watch

Why does Vlad have grey hair? It became grey because of the incident. Speaking of, why does Jack have black hair? Make it make sense

Yeah this is a complaint because you’ll see. Vlad is clearly in love with Maddie, truly. He seems to genuinely care for her. I know later they just make him controlling for no reason which I’ll get into but like, it’s nice to see him actually care for her and her care for him too.

Why is Vlad super anti ghost? One of my “compliments” is how I think Jack hating ghosts makes sense. And tbh in the true current, Vlad having a hatred for ghosts for the same reason would make sense, he was disfigured, hospitalized, and he never got to confess to the girl he loved the most. In this world, Vlad has no good reason to hate ghosts unless he for some reason knows Jack is a ghost? We see that before any changed to the timeline are made, Vlad was a bit annoyed with how Jack and Maddie got along, maybe it has something to do with that? I dunno. I feel like this choice was made just so they gave Vlad a reason to be controlling. But Vlad is only the way he is because of the incident bitter and resentful of a life he never got to have, so why the fuck is he just controlling and mean? Why when he has everything he wants, is he still a dick? Because he’s just like that no matter what because the writers didn’t want to add anything thought provoking about how Maddie and Vlad could’ve actually been good for each other. No, Vlad’s evil no matter what blah blah blah

AND ANOTHER THING. Maddie is shown to have other personality traits then liking ghost hunting, like, Jack is the one super obsessed. She’s the one that gets annoyed that Jack makes it his everything. Who knows, if she had a life without Jack, would she have continued her thing for ghosts? Thought provoking questions this episode won’t answer. This was again just a choice made so Vlad could be controlling.

Vlad immediately forgives Maddie because he doesn’t wanna doubt her oh gee maybe its cause he actually loves her. Nahhh we can’t have that.

How did Maddie build an entire underground ghost Lab that Vlad didn’t notice. Also how does she still have the suit

Whyyyyy would Vlad slander Jack to Maddie? Is the personality they wanna give that Vlad was always jealous of Jack and Maddie’s relationship? I mean, I guess so? I guess this one could make sense but it makes me wish we knew more about their trio’s relationship in college besides what we see and how Jack describes it; Vlad did always seem like a third wheel, I guess this one could happen but as I said, just makes me wish we had more context as a whole, could make this action make more sense

Why is Vlad in his suit all of a sudden. Did they forget what episode they were doing. Did they just straight up forget. Also it’s the middle of the night why isn’t he in pajamas or something. Huh.

I just hate the narrative Danny Phantom has as a whole with how some characters are just meant to be together so other pairings have to not work or be bad in some way. How about thought provoking stuff about how the relationships that seem destined to be actually good have some solid rivalry? No? All other parings don’t work just because even if it means mischaracterizing? Kay.

I had a thought here about Vlad’s anger at Danny not making sense but I don’t remember what it was. Maybe relates again to the ghost hating thing making no sense. Idk my brain cells are dying.

“None of this should be happening” “I like it this way” what this way? Being with Maddie? I mean yeah? I mean did the writers forget that Vlad doesn’t have the knowledge of his baseline current self here?

Because I hate it so much just another point to say I hate Vlad’s behavior here. He’s just evil and manipulative no matter what? Why? Just because? Because that’s Vlad Masters? Are we forgetting that his usual behavior is very much a product of his rage and bitterness about a life that was robbed of him? Or am I just giving the “evil villain” too much credit. This is pissing me off

Things I liked about the episode:

I think the bit at the beginning with Danny’s parents embarrassing him was silly, entertaining

I like Vlad’s attitude of like “oh you’re giving me chills” just his sassiness lmao

I like getting to see more insight into the day of the incident, Vlad trying to confess but being stopped by Maddie, that was neat

Seeing exactly what caused the incident was neat, too, that it truly was Jack’s fault

It’s kinda funny that we can tell Jack didn’t name Danny cause he thinks the name is dumb

I do like we get to see Jack chose the name Jasmine, as he mentions having a cat named Jasmine

I liked seeing Vlad say like oh Danny I knew you could do it, neat to see him acknowledge that Danny can be pretty smart, even if he kinda forced his hand here

I’m too tired to go into detail, so I’ll do it later but Jesus Christ this episode sucked. It had good things about it but so much shit just didn’t make sense and was just a blatant mischaracterization of Vlad

Alright I’m finally back to this after a couple of weeks, the episode seriously drains me that much, wish I was kidding. As stated in a previous post this episode makes me so angry that it has the power to make me dissociate and feel physically ill. Some of my comments are nitpicks, and I’m aware of that. I hate the episode so I’m just angry about even little things, I know that’s weird, lol. But, I thought I’d share these nitpicks anyway.

The notion that Vlad would be evil no matter what just doesn’t make a single lick of sense considering how Bitter Reunions builds him up to show that his anger and well, bitterness stems from being robbed of the life he never got, and his desperation to have that life now. Maybe I’m just biased but Jesus. Some people will try to claim that Vlad would still be evil therefore deserves no sympathy on like, posts and videos about him and if someone starts their comment with “but in masters of all time”, the rest of the comment is immediately static to me.

I do want to make it clear the things Vlad does due to his anger is not acceptable (I’ve even got an analysis of his character in the works that addresses this further), I just see so much potential for him to be better, and Masters of All Time could’ve been that episode. To show that he’s truly a victim of circumstance that is overwhelmed by his anger and jealousy, that these events truly shaped him into the not so great person we see in the show, but that he didn’t /have/ to be evil, that if given the life he wanted, the one he felt he deserved, that he could’ve been better.

I also think this episode missed the mark to be more creative design wise. Jack could’ve had his own ghost form! That would’ve been so cool! I also would’ve LOVED to see more of the college trio’s dynamic. Were Vlad and Jack truly best friends, or was that just Jack’s rose tinted glasses? I know it’s a kids show from 20 years ago but damn they could’ve done more here. I think this episode could’ve benefited from being another 40 minute special, although I know that’s unrealistic. Just a sorta, how I’d do things thing.

That’s basically it from me in terms of the episode. But, only for now. I plan to rewrite the episode, soon! Including some of my own HCs about the college trio, and who Vlad could’ve been if the incident didn’t happen, and how Jack and Maddie could’ve been! How this could’ve been a more thought provoking episode as a whole. I may even do some drawings :3 I’m excited to share my thoughts on what we could’ve had. But, keep in mind they will simply be my ideas, and not a definitive “the writers should’ve done this instead”, just my hcs and such. This is my first sorta DP writing post, but hopefully not my last. I enjoy sharing my thoughts like this, and I know some of my YTTD ones have reached a good bit of people, so I’m curious as to how this’ll be received.

Again, yeah, I’m biased, I hate this episode, I nitpicked. This is not at all a defense of every single bad thing Vlad has done, just my opinions on why the choices made here don’t make sense.

[trsrina]

Relationships with ENHYPEN as Taylor Swift songs

fluff, established relationship warning!! mentions of food, mentions of alcohol use

heeseung

call it what you want

a relationship with heeseung would be so carefree and different to other ones you’ve had in the past. heeseung is someone who brings out the best in you, offering affirmation to you through actions and words. like he’s someone who’d keep your picture in his wallet, treats every date like the first, builds lego sets with you, shares his everything with you like you were just two best friends having sleepovers, watches disney movies with you in pillow forts you guys spent hours making. and cutest thing is you both have each others’ initials’ on a chain around your necks, you adorning the letter ‘h’ in capital around your neck. it’s not like you two owned each other but rather it’s a symbol of your soulmate-like connection. heeseung would never let you have any doubts about your relationship, everything’s just so real and pure, both of you has gone through everything good and bad together, every day with him feels so fresh and brand new. “heeseung! hey! that piece is supposed to be on this part,” you snatched the piece from him and handing him the correct piece. you were both giving your blood, sweat and tears on building this cinderella castle set. “this is getting boring. do you wanna make a pillow fort instead?” your eyes lit up at the mention of ‘pillow fort’, “yes!”

jay

lover

lover just screams husband and who else is total husband material? jay. maybe it’s the music video of lover being very domestic but like it just suits jay so well, you know the domestic feeling. him cooking for you as you admire him from the kitchen island, the two of you doing your sunday cleaning together etc you two are like two peas in a pod, attached to the hip. it was a quiet peaceful evening, just you and jay at your shared apartment, his back facing yours as he cooks your dinner for you, the scrumptious smell entering your nostrils, “jay, are you done yet? i’m so hungry,” you whined, not being able to hold it in anymore, the smell was making you go crazy. “patience, my dear, good things take time, you know? and who was the one who wouldn’t get out of bed after their afternoon nap? we could’ve had dinner earlier if you didn’t drag me into bed with you,” “okay, okay, fine whatever, sorry,” “there’s nothing to be sorry for, darling, any time spent with you is valuable.”

jake

cruel summer

cruel summer just gives me so much jake vibes and i feel like you two own summer like you’re the it couple that everyone is jealous of. like imagine just you and jake laying on a hammock together, on the porch of his parents’ beach house just staring at the sunset together, “the sunset’s so beautiful, just like you, my love.” i feel like jake would be someone who’d be scared that you’d leave him because he’s clingy but throughout your relationship, jake learnt that you love him, no matter what and now you’re an unstoppable power couple. “jake! stop that!” the two of you were on the beach. it started out as a normal little walk on the beach until jake started kicking water at you, soaking you with seawater and of course, you had to fight back. jake picked you up and swung you around, as if he was about to throw you in the sea, your giggles were angelic to jake and he couldn’t be happier.

sunghoon

king of my heart

before meeting sunghoon, you’d think that love is just a abstract concept that’s not something you really need, it was more of a nuisance. yet, despite your view on love, you managed to fall head over heels for sunghoon, to your surprise. you never thought your relationship with sunghoon would affect you so much and last this long, you initially thought it’d just be a small fling, lasting no longer than a year. once you two entered each others’ life, there’s no going back. the more time you spent with him, the more you got attached to him and your love for him grows even more. you were someone who viewed your own success as your first priority but now you don’t have a care for the world, the time spent with sunghoon and the taste of his soft lips was all that mattered. sunghoon was the king of your heart like the song title yk ruling your once barren heart. being with sunghoon was enough for you. you and sunghoon would bond over late night rooftop sessions at his luxury apartment (bc he’s rich af), you laying on the couch in his arms, two glasses of wine sitting on the little coffee table, both sitting in silence and staring at the dark night sky adorned with shining constellations of stars. “do you know what that constellation is, sunghoon?” “no? who do you take me as? nasa?” “i mean you’re not really that intelligent considering you can’t even cook instant noodles, no offense,” you giggled when he suddenly tickled you for your shameless attack on his intellect. “you meanie! you’re not that much better than me when you once broke the microwave somehow.”

sunoo

paris

loving sunoo was a different feeling. being with sunoo was like nothing else in the world mattered and it was only you and him against the world. the two of you would spend your time doing whatever you want, free to do anything you want without a care for the world. like sunoo would take you on spontaneous night walks along the promenade, just both of you goofing around and laughing loudly like you were kids with the fellow strangers trying to take a peaceful walk sending you two judgemental glances but with sunoo, you didn’t care at all as sunoo is the only one in your world. “sunoo! stop taking bites out of my ice cream bar,” with both of you holding ice cream bars with your favourite ice cream flavours ahem sunoo’s beloved mint choco that you suspect sunoo loves more than you taking a ‘leisurely’ walk along the promenade, sunoo kept cheekily grabbing your wrist to take a bite out of your ice cream bar and you doing the same to him. your booming laughter that could be heard by the strangers walking by rang through your ears and the annoyed glares from the strangers walking by. “hmm no, let me just have one bite, i wanna try it!” “come on, this is like your 5th bite, how many more times do you have to ‘try’ it, you menace?”

jungwon

daylight

okay but just like how the song goes, jungwon was the one who really made you love love you know, like he was the one who changed your life for the better and everything just felt so right with him, he’s the light that brightened up your life. you two would start out as friends and things just developed so naturally and it was different from how your past relationships were, him totally changing your perception of love. you know like love is golden and it just sparkles whenever you’re with him. “i sometimes think i made you up, like no way you’re actually real. i would’ve never thought i’d be so in love with someone,” it was another one of your deep midnight conversations, jungwon’s head lying on your stomach as you gently caress his fluffy hair, him occasionally letting out hums that sound more like a pur to you catwon 🤭, “i am very much real and even if i wasn’t, your love alone makes me feel alive,” he smiles up at you with his adorable cat-like grin, his dimples appearing.

niki

i think he knows

i feel like with niki, it’d be just an innocent little crush between the two of you yk just like a sweet like puppy love kinda thing at first, both of you exchanging shy glances whenever you bump into each other. niki being the mischievous person he is, he would tease you a little knowing about your slight feelings for him, purposely doing things to make your heart beat faster and blood rushing up your cheeks. the moment you two start dating, niki’s confidence before would totally disappear and he’d be such a shy person. scared to initiate anything and you’d have to be the one initiating most things. like you two would be on the sidewalk, walking to school together, both of you too shy to hold hands with your hands just lightly touching each others’, avoiding eye contact. you turned to face niki, seeing his blushed face with red adorning his cheeks and looked down to see your lingering hands, deciding to take the lead and grab his hand confidently, making niki face you immediately with shock on his face. “what? why are you looking at me like that,” you chuckled. “no, it’s just like um holding hands, you know.” “you’re my boyfriend, niki. this is normal.” “I’m your boyfriend?” “are you not?” “yeah, i am, just weird hearing it actually come out of your mouth,” niki laughed awkwardly and shyly looking away from your stare, a lovestruck grin creeping up your lips unconsciously, your loving gaze on him.

so sorry this was so halfassed and rushed like seriously some of these were written like two months ago while some were written just now so like the length of each part aren’t very proportionate 😭😭 happy valentines day everyone 😰🤭

[f0point5]

Feel free to ignore this, but I was reading your older work of Max and Emillia (the few Jos Verstappen related chapter) and was stuck with some thoughts I needed to vomit out.

I have seen so many people hate on Jos Verstappen and say how Max should cut him off, and that Max would be better off without him, that he is nothing but a abusive narcissist and cannot help but think how simplistic that line of thought is. Don't get me wrong Jos is totally a horrible person and father, but that does not mean he is not one of the reasons that Max has achieved so much success and has the competitive mindset.

Now I am not in favour of abuse, in fact I relate to Max and Jos relationship alot as it is quite similar to the one I have with my parents. Asian Tiger parents (most of the stereotypes are true in my case) but they broke their backs providing for me. Any want or comfort of mine was above their need. They were hard on me, too hard alot of times but without it my siblings and I won't have achieved whatever we had.

I hate my parents for the number of time they made me stay awake till late at night, until I got a math concept down and then woke me up early to revise it but at the same time I remember that they too were awake with me, sitting beside my table (occasionally smacking the back of my head or making sharp comments), but they were awake despite having come from 10 hours of work and being dead tired. I also can't ignore that the fact such childhood was what made it possible to be able to give my last semester exams with 102 fever, in-between blood transfusions and constant saline drips and still score good.

So I understand how complicated relationship between Max and Jos could be and how you could be resentful but grateful at the same time. I would never be such a parents to

I truly believe people who take the line of “Jos should be burnt at the stake” were not in competitive environments as a child. Parents pour their hearts, souls, and money into their children’s passion, so yeah they get too involved and too personal and often too pushy. At a high level, more often than not they are too pushy. Because if your child comes to you and says they want something that only 0.00001% of people ever get (whether that’s an F1 seat, an Olympic medal, or a career in the arts) you are going to have to want it as much as they do in order for them to get there. Some days you will have to want it more than they do, because at 11 a kid isn’t going to want to be in a go kart every weekend. But at 20 they will be glad you made sure they were. So there’s that to start.

Similarly, like you said, for every moment you were up at 10pm wanting to sleep, so were they. For every time Max was driving a kart around in the rain, Jos was standing by the braking point coaching him. Jos drive back and forth from Italy in a van every weekend. Jos poured millions of his own money into his child. He gave up time with his daughter to be there for Max. He sacrificed his career for Max’s. Anyone can debate whether that was the right thing to do, but no one can argue that it is a small thing. And if Jos had done less than that, Max wouldn’t be where he is.

It’s a straight lie to say Max would be where he is without Jos, and people might feel better thinking it’s “in spite of him not because of him” because that’s easier to have the “moral high ground” if you look at it that way. People like a black and white story.

To me, it’s obvious that Jos absolutely adores Max and he tried to be the best father he could. Was he the perfect father? No. Was he even a good one? I guess that’s debatable. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love his son. People like to think that loving someone means the rest of your relationship is going to be healthy, or hold up against the scrutiny of people who think they know better and that’s not the case. Love doesn’t fix anything. The same way being a parent doesn’t turn you into a person different than who you are.

Idk, as someone who had a dad who lived vicariously through me for a lot of his life, and wasn’t always kind, or even halfway decent, I can say that as an adult he is still the person I would trust most in the world in a crisis. He may not have gone about being a dad the right way because he didn’t have the emotional tools, there is no one in this earth who wants the best for me more than him. And as an adult, that’s actually the important part, because I’ve learnt to take on board what I need for him and leave the rest out. And I presume that’s at least partially where Max is with it. I do have a lot of resentment towards my dad, it’ll never feel good to look back and remember how much all those situations hurt as a child. But at the same time I’m happy with who I am, and I wouldn’t be the same person if my life had been different so…how much of that would I change? It’s not a straightforward answer.

At the end of the day, the only person Jos needs to square the past with is his kids, and he seems to have close relationships with them. His adult children seem to find value in having him in their lives and Max in particular feels he has a lot to thank his dad for, so idk why people think they know the situation better than the person who lived it. It’s wild to me how comfortable people are saying Max needs to cut off his dad when that’s so obviously not how he feels, as far as we know.

[egcdeath]

Oh my god you’re speaking my language with this succession patrick au because he totally has some kendall traits (and some roman traits with some narcissistic tendencies and secret insecurities and propensity for harsh cutting words in a fight) except as far we know he’s an only child? so maybe it would be like a kendall assumed successor situation with all the emotional hang ups and the inabilities to express love and to communicate properly but without the sibling competition… maybe a shiv/tom proximity to power dynamic would be really interesting without that aspect. Plus patrick already has so much ability for psychosexual tension and sharp insults built in lol. Also… does this mean that patrick and art are basically ken and stewy?? The backstories are kind of parallels when you think about it even down to the homoerotic tension stemming from childhood lol

You’ve truly awoken something in me with this concept

anon you’re speaking MY language omg your mind!!

roman is my least favorite roy (unpopular opinion i know) but he definitely does have a few patrick traits. he does feel most like a kendall to me, but like kendall before he gets his spirit broken for the billionth time.

i’m so stuck on the shiv/tom dynamic though. like yes patrick is a kendall but i can also see him holding onto hope every single time that he’s going to be picked only to be let down by his parents and that is just sooo shiv to me. i also just love the dynamic of shiv and tom’s failmarriage even though it frustrates me beyond compare to watch. i would just love to write a reader who loves patrick but has an agenda of her own also.

nothing in the movie ever alludes to patrick having siblings so yes for all intents and purposes we can assume he doesn’t have siblings HOWEVER. that doesn’t mean his family wouldn’t pick an outsider to run the business…. say for example… a young family friend who has his shit together…. someone who is hardworking and mature…… a little bit manipulative to get what he wants…. one might even say… art donaldson

which is why i LOVE that you brought up stewy because yes absolutely. the homoertoicism is there. the experimentation in college is there. the friendship but also kinda resenting each other is there.

anon i LOVE how your mind works. don’t mind me i’ll just be here sitting on my corner of the internet thinking about my succession challengers au 🫣

[comingyourlugubriousness]

Something that doesn't make sense but compels me.

- Me and @bunnwich where talking about that troupe where characters get turned into lil kids and interact and I was like hmm. I imagine it's due to some alchemy class potion mishap!

In my mind Yume is 9ish here and Idia is 10.

(If you enjoy my art please consider commissioning me! Comm's close in a few days!)

Anyways on to my random thoughts: (warning long)

Younger Idia Headcanons:

Idia’s age would still be post losing Ortho and since it took him about 2 years to make Ortho, this would be an Idia that had been living with robot Ortho for only 1 year. 

Because of that I think he wouldn’t be surprised to see Ortho, but I think he would be amazed at how fair his design has come since he first invented him. Since it is a good 9 years later. I imagine Ortho has been through a lot of updates in the past 11 years.

I think he’d really just want to ignore everyone and spend time with Ortho.

Speaking of others he IS SO ANXIOUS AND AWKWARD AND AFRAID. (the big 3 a’s). He’s hiding behind Ortho whenever he can. I don’t imagine at this age Idia had any friends, let alone friends his own age. And he probably had never even left the Isle of Lament yet.

His only interactions with people I imagine were online. So everything here at NRC is new and overwhelming. 

Hides his hair because he KNOWS everyone will think its freaky. He wears his hood whenever he can, until he realizes everyone knows about it and someone tells him that it looks pretty.

But when he’s not shy and anxious you know he’s being a shithead. I imagine being raised on the internet for two years as an impressionable kid probably made him a real troll. And why I don’t think he would be rude to adults, people around the same age as him better be prepared to be roasted if they push him or try and get him to do something he doesn't want to. (Ortho excluded.)

Despite that I think some people would say (when he's not gushing about his hobbies) that he acts mature for his age. He definitely strikes me as a kid who had to grow up fast in some regards. And that playing with Ortho was his only outlet to actually being a kid. And when Ortho was gone he fell hard into using games/anime as an escapism to try and capture that feeling once again, but never quite could.

He probably finds it a little weird that Ortho acts a bit older, since he’s supposed to be the older brother. But I think he would be too happy to see Ortho to really care.

Strikes me as a low maintenance kid that’s used to taking care of himself. Just give him a corner and a computer/console and he’s good. 

Idia's hair is at a weird phase where there's a lot of it but it's not long so he pins it back otherwise it will get in his face.

Doesn’t understand why Ortho is trying to get him to spend time with others, especially the few kids around here that are his age…?

Younger Yume headcanons:

Yume turning younger is an interesting concept, as they don’t have any real memories of their past. In a strange way this would carry over even when they are younger. Like they know they had parents but can’t recall where they live? Everything feels fuzzy and it kinda scares them that they can’t remember. If anything this would just be a glimpse into their past, but not the full picture.

Yume is a very shy kid. Like Idia they are hiding behind (younger) Yuuta

 While I imagine Idia finds it easier to talk to adults, Yume is the opposite. They much rather talk to kids around their age and they get intimidated easily by adults. 

Too young to have their glasses at this point in time.

That kid that carries a stuffed animal everywhere. They get very distressed when they first turn until Sam offers them a free toy on the house. 

Mostly an okay kid, but if you try to give them medicine they will kick and scream and cry like their life is on the line. 

Doesn’t like rough housing and doesn’t know how to hold back so they will kick you as hard as they can if someone takes it too far.

Picky eater to the max.

Hates being yelled at and will take everything personally and cry.

They get a little scared by Grim at first, but once he tones down the “minion stuff” a little bit. Yume warms up to him fast. They think he’s a stuffed animal.

Scared of the ghosts at first until they tone down the silly scares.

Tries to be a very independent kid who doesn’t like asking for help, but is frankly too small to do a lot of things. 

Curious about a lot of things and can get distracted easily. So you have to watch them bc if you are not careful they will wander off to go explore. 

Asks questions about EVERYTHING.

Holds on to peoples shirts instead of their hands. When asked why they just shrug and say “it's what they were told to do”.

When there is no were for them to sit, your lap is not safe, it is free real estate 

Hates sudden loud noises. Terrified of heights, but loves piggy back rides and being carried.

Scared of the dark, hates being in complete darkness (if only they had a nightlight hmm...)

Thinks Vil is a real life barbie.

Tries to get Jamil to hold some bugs.

Is impressed by Ace’s magic tricks.

No beastman is safe, Yume wants to touch their ears, pretty please?

Hates Crowely and thinks he is a monster bc of his get up.

Both the lil nerds:

I imagine Yume would be a little intimidated by Idia bc he acts more mature then he is sometimes, but they hear him talk about video games and their eyes light up and suddenly they follow him around like a little duckling everywhere.

Idia hates it at first. And wants nothing to do with them. They make him really nervous. So he kind of just tries to ditch them all the time. But then eventually realizes that’s is very similar to how Ortho would follow him around when they were younger and is surprised that he doesn’t mind it. Yume is pretty cool to talk to and likes to listen to him talk about his favorite games and shows. They don’t look at him like he’s weird or annoying, they actually look...really happy when he starts rambling. And when they look very cute and get excited with him it makes him feel like the coolest person in the world.

He doesn’t know how to feel about that, so he tries not to think about it.

Think Idia also kinda has that older brother's instinct when he sees lil Yume trip or fall over or try to do something they're too small to do bc Yume is too stubborn.

I have a headcanon that straight up Idia can’t tie his shoes so he wears slip ons and velcro. So he got super embarrassed when his shoe came untied and he had to admit that he didn’t know how to tie them. And even more embarrassed when Yume made him sit down and easily tied them for him.

Yume is light up Skechers while Idia is velcro Skechers solidarity

When Yume finds out that Idia's hair is blue and lights up they think its the most amazing and pretty thing ever and gush about how they once had shoes that glowed in the dark too!

_(:3 」∠)_...They

[zee-has-commitment-issues]

Thoughts from planes with Zee (an unhinged and incomplete list) Part 2

Hey friends! I traveled again, which means I wrote down every unhinged thought I had. Part 1 of this post is from August and you can find it here. And if you haven't heard my insane travel story yet, you can find it here.

Some of these are headcanons, some are random thoughts, some are responses to posts I saw while I was travelling. I wouldn't say any of these are particularly controversial, but I can see where people could disagree with me so everyone know that almost everything is a joke and should be taken with a grain of salt. Love you.

Do you think Wille went straight to Felice after the ball and was all giddy and telling her about the kiss? I think about this every day. Did he teenage freak out over it with his best friend? Does Felice know? 

Of all the random shit I put into Screwed about Erik, I think the funniest might be: Erik not being able to say anything other than “he’s pretty” when he meets Simon for the first time, and Erik’s least favorite month ironically being November. 

Wilhelm wears sweatpants on planes so he has pockets and Simon wears pajama pants, making Wilhelm hold everything for him. 

Just saw a post that said “Edvin looks at Omar like he’s in love with him” and after I’ve finished cringing, my response to that is: everyone looks at Omar that way. It’s Omar. 

Simon listens to the Beatles, but he does it in secret. Wilhelm only knows because he found the records in his room. Wilhelm, to this day, is the only person who knows.  

Thinking about how Henry didn’t think to knock on Wilhelm’s door because he probably knew after the locker room interruption just how heartbroken Wille was and therefore assume Wilhelm wouldn’t have anyone in his room. Henry didn't knock because Henry understood everything about Simon without being told.

Stella screams at airline representatives while Fredrika cries about plans being ruined. 

Wilhelm loves the rain 

Concept: season 3 opens with another dream like season 2 did, but this time it’s August and Sara. (Prompted by the song love, or the lack thereof by Isaac Dunbar) 

I truly and utterly appreciate Young Royals for showing what it is actually like for a teenager with anxiety to be forced into therapy. Like you don’t want to be there. For a while you do just sit in silence. But slowly you open up. It isn’t just "lay on the couch and share all your feelings" and then you’re suddenly better. It’s a process. It takes time. ESPECIALLY when you don’t want to be there. Just… god I’m crying about it again. 

Nils gives Tony Award worthy performances in his kitchen with a wooden spoon as a microphone. Change my mind. You can’t. 

Maddie is the first person in their year to get a license, but no one will get in a car with her behind the wheel. 

I feel like Walter is a Billie Eilish fan, but won’t admit it. 

Fredrika can sing every Hanna Ferm song from memory 

Stella sucks on lollipops because people got annoyed with her chewing gum. 

The entire Hillerska student body teases Wilhelm about not knowing Simon’s song was about him. They tease him for years. The administrators catch onto the teasing too and it’s mentioned subtly in their graduation address. None of the parents can understand why the entire student body started laughing at the headmistress’ speech, and they don’t understand why the crown prince is annoyed when he starts his own speech. 

Felice started learning Russian as a joke and now she actually speaks Russian and uses it often even though no one can understand her. 

Somewhat off topic, woke up rn to an Omar song, and was nice. 

Every rumor at Hillerska can be traced back to either Walter or Fredrika. They didn’t mean to, they just literally cannot keep their mouth shut. 

Henry watches ice age when he’s sick 

Moulin Rouge AU 

Thinking about ✨that✨ scene again 

If any of them were going to be a greyhound runaway, it would be Sara 

Follow up to that one^: Would like to see a fic where August is a greyhound runaway. Like canon still happens, but after s2 he just decides to run from his problems. 

Somewhere in Hillerska Erik graffitied his name

Off topic again, but noise canceling earbuds are a god send 

Felice+Adele. Send tweet. 

Want something to fuck you up? Actor for Nils is older than actor for Erik. 

Breaking up with my gf was such a good idea knowing what I know now💀

Madison loves flying. In comparison, Nils would rather die 

Omar songs + sunrise part 2 

I have never been more convinced that Vincent listens to fallout boy unironically 

Simon drinks peppermint Mochas 

Rowing team blamed their loss on “karma” 

Wilhelm has a crippling fear of being forgotten, but more so he has a debilitating fear of Erik being forgotten.  

Things I have now done: had a panic attack at 30,000ft (twice)

Felice makes sure everyone else eats and then forgets to eat 

Nils and night drives 

Carefully by Ben Platt is Wilhelm season 2 

Jag hatar mannen bredvid mig.  han gjorde ingenting.  Jag är bara arg på hela världen.

If Dani and I started a podcast, would people listen to it? 

I hope Henry knows the names of Simon’s fish. Like maybe not right now in the canon story, but at some point. I feel like he’d appreciate the fish having names .

I wrote the beginning of a fic and I think it’s like kinda good but I did write it at 2am so maybe I’m just tired 

Is It Just Me? By Emily Burns is about to become the most painful Wilmon edit. Try me. One like and I’ll do it. 

Sara can’t swim 

Was thinking about a 1950s AU and then realized I have no reason for them to be in the 50s. Like why do they need to be in the 50s? Poodle skirts? That’s literally it. 

Growing Sideways by Noah Kahan is a Hangman Song. This is a top gun thing. Specifically Aftershocks fic by @the-navistar-carol. 

How… how are people gonna watch a show in which Edvin plays a queer character, and makes out with another man, and then accuse him of being homophobic? How do you even-? 

Sometime in the future August gets sober and people more mature than him begin to forgive him. Not because he deserves it, but because they don’t want to put the energy into being angry anymore. 

I want Omar to start yelling at people. Like he has to want to yell at people at this point. I think he should. 

Ayub 100% knows every detail of Wilmon. He is a walking Wilmon dictionary. Simon told him everything. Like he could tell you where Wilhelm’s least favorite freckle was or some shit even though he’s never asked Wilhelm about it, nor has he seen the freckle. 

Vincent’s guilty pleasure movie is Chicago and his ringtone for August is “cell block tango” aka "he had it coming."

Paparazzi catch Wille teary eyed, and it becomes a big “Boys DO Cry” Moment but really he just saw a really cute dog or some shit 

Wilhelm asks “would you still love me if I was a worm” and Simon replies “yes” without hesitation 

And that's every thought I felt like writing down. I hope it was delightfully unhinged. Much love to all of you.

[mr-bugs]

My mind is a curse I cannot escape

warnings: generally dark themes, this is a collection of my recent thoughts about life and are not organized (i think) so heavy themes ahead proceed with caution stay safe and uhh yeah!

oh and its like 900+ words so uhhh strap in ig idk

I’m tired.

And yet..

Sleep evades me like the plague.

I’m tired in a different sense.

Tired of just being a pawn in her game to win against him.

I’ve gotten used to it at this point.

If I hadn’t I would’ve died along the way.

Every little fight..

Every little disagreement.

How I’ve grown to hate the idea of family.

The world has shown me examples of happy, accepting families.

Why must I be taunted like this?

It’s like holding a treat in front of a dog but it’s tied to a stick on its back so that it will forever be out of reach.

The universe owes me such things.

It’s shameful to say I’m jealous of the love shared by those families but I am only mortal.

I was denied such advantages, of course I would be jealous.

Jealous of the fact I have to live with the emotional baggage they lack.

The concept of family has been ruined for me.

And I think I’m okay with that.

Afterall, it’s not exactly my fault, is it?

That they argue.

That they lie.

That they cheat.

It’s not my fault they are like this.

Or their parents, or their parents’ parents, and so on and so forth.

Even then I feel useless for not being able to do anything.

The world around me is a blurry haze and yet I can’t seem to care less.

Days just faze by like water slipping through your fingers.

I try to grasp at the vague silhouettes and yet nothing comes from it.

Vague promises of greatness and love.

But I do not feel such things.

My mind is a constant state of numbness.

I am my own curse that I cannot escape from.

I was never blessed with such things.

Maybe if I had been I wouldn’t be such a cold monster.

A creature doomed to never be loved.

To never feel the kindness that heals the heart.

I don’t like this game the universe is playing.

I want to be loved, I want to feel as if I matter.

Death seems to bring that feeling.

When you’re dead people will talk about how much you mattered but when you’re alive nobody listens to your pleads for help.

It’s an amusing contradiction, isn’t it.

How the human mind amuses me.

I don’t exactly want to die but the idea of eternal rest doesn’t bother me as much as it should.

I’ve accepted the fact I will die one day, I suppose.

My flesh shall rot away and I will be nothing but bones.

Then my bones will be grinded down and to dust I shall return.

My existence is a poorly written drama show and I am a side character in it.

I am watching my life from the perspective of a viewer live as I act it.

A player in a game where I am the protagonist.

A side character of my own story.

A pawn in my own game.

Perhaps I’ve come to terms with that.

Maybe I’m okay with it.

Just fading into the background.

Another number to add to the census.

Perhaps I won’t amount to anything.

My name will be lost to time and time will carry on as if nothing happened.

My life is slipping away through the cracks while I watch uselessly.

What happened?

I was such a smart kid.

A “gifted” kid, if you will.

I was praised for being such an exemplary student.

But as I got older it turned into a basic expectation.

I lost what made me feel like I was worthy of praise.

Something that made me feel as if I was worth noticing.

But now.

Now nothing is good enough.

I have to keep trying.

Rip and tear at myself just to feel that praise once more.

To feel noticed.

And yet.

The praise I receive doesn’t feel.. Right

I don’t deserve it.

The kind words.

I shouldn’t be allowed to experience such nice things.

I haven’t done well enough.

Not enough.

Never. Enough.

Everything I do is mediocre.

I need to try harder.

Till my bones wear down and till I cannot give no more.

It will never be enough.

An endless cycle of hellish torment that will never cease.

An unlovable monster born from a cruel society.

Too much to be loved and too doubtful to accept it.

Even then it claws its way through life, just for a distant star in the sky.

How his words soothe me.

How his presence keeps me alive.

A star I love and yet cannot touch for my claws will ruin it.

Everything I’ve let go has my marks on it.

My blood.

My words.

My touch.

I do not deserve to have nice things.

But, I cannot let him go.

He is my light.

My guiding star in the treacherous seas.

He is a flower I cannot touch for my rotten hands will wilt him.

Maybe he finds me boring.

Too much.

Too little.

Too uncaring.

Too caring.

He will get tired of me.

He will not love me one day.

I do not deserve him.

One day he will figure out I am not enough for him and leave.

I think I am okay with that.

Not really, I’d die if that happened.

But I shall rest easy knowing that he chose someone better.

I’ll rest easy knowing he’s happy.

[the-ugly-ly]

you ever have the opposite where your parents don’t try and make you cis but they try and make you trans. yeah that’s what my mom did.

i wasn’t allowed to be a girl. or like girly things. or wear girly clothes or colors. talking about boys or wanting to get my nails done? lmao foreign concepts.

“you don’t like that kind of stuff” she would tell me any time i asked to play with barbies. so she’d get me fire trucks and electric guitars which are cool asf but maybe as a little girl all i wanted was to be a princess or a play with baby dolls and be a mommy.

tbf my mom never made me “a boy”, but i was never allowed to be “a girl” at least not in the ways i wanted to. i went through a period of my life from childhood well into college feeling sooo dysphoric. i used to lay in bed as young as kindergarten thinking i was supposed to be a boy all along. i used to tell myself that when i’m older i’ll just cut off all my hair and no one would know the difference. i didn’t even fucking know what genitals were.

in high school my sister relentlessly called me a “dyke” and a “butch”. i came out to my mom as bisexual and she quickly dismissed it and told me to keep it quiet. i started going by “jack” to all my friends and wearing axe and button down shirts with my long hair pulled back. by college i finally cut off all my hair. i felt so fucking free to be… i didn’t go by “he/him”, i landed somewhere on the non-binary/androgynous centre of the spectrum. i was comfortable there for a while. but during this freedom i could still feel the fucking dysphoria creeping and it came crashing when a guy looked into my face and told me i looked “like a boy in a dress”.

that comment alone catapulted me onto the other far extreme of the gender spectrum. i started growing my hair out, obsessing over my weight and my make up. i started buying pink. pink Pink PINK. everything pink. i fancied a new name for myself too… the one i’m still going by six years later.

because wouldn’t you fucking know the dysphoria WENT AWAY. not because of all the pink or because i was dressing differently. i realize that doesn’t even matter in the grand scheme… i slowly found my way back slightly towards the centre of the spectrum, not as far as non-binary/androgynous but slightly from femme. and all that time i thought the stress was coming from wanting to feel “more like a boy” like i was always told i was supposed to be. i thought i felt so wrong all the time because i was constantly trying to be a girl… but it felt so wrong because i was actually trying and failing to be a boy.

it never felt right, it was people pleasing. it was projection from my mom. it was an extension of her own childhood trauma and my grandma dressing her like a boy and her brothers like girls growing up. she fucked me up. i’m in my late twenties and i am just now connecting the dots. everytime someone calls me “she/her” and i get a wave of euphoria, the dots are connected. as a cis woman, that shouldn’t be so fucking profound to me but it is. being called pretty or when a boy holds the door open for me is so fucking profound.

i still have never gotten my nails done, and i have very few girl friends… but i make a point to gush over my silly crushes, and i spoil the little girl inside of me any chance i get. every day the dots keep connecting and i’m unlearning everything from my mother and childhood and past. idk if i’ll ever feel like “a real girl” though. which is the most bizarre realization. but i’ll never stop being true to what feels right in my body ever again. for anyone.

[local-lesboy]

i was six when I really loved dresses. i had a beautiful pre-school teacher and told my mom i wanted to look exactly like her. she used to have to fight me to put on pants and even asked my teacher to wear pants so I would want to. i had no concept of femininity or masculinity, all i knew was i saw someone who looked nice and i wanted the same

i was eight and wrestled with my older brother. i played his video games and action figures while he was gone, hoping to gain common interests. i wanted to be a cool boy like him. though, i wouldn’t have said i wanted to be a boy. i wasn’t too sure of the concept of gender

i was ten when i started growing. i started developing features that i didn’t see in my peers. the clothes made for kids like me didn’t fit quite right and i started noticing something was wrong. i couldn’t tell you what, but i started to get insecure. i wore hoodies more often so my body was less noticeable. getting my hair cut short for the first time was a freeing moment i’ll never forget

i was thirteen when i fully felt disconnected from my body. i stopped wearing dresses as often and when i did it felt painful to be called beautiful. i tried looking up ways to hide my chest and found tips on using ACE bandages. i was told it could hurt me but i was willing to take the risk. in the bathroom late at night i would go just to see myself with a flatter chest for a couple minutes. i never told my parents and i’m lucky i didn’t cause any damage

i was fourteen when I learned what gender fluidity was. the joy i felt when i found out there was a whole community full of people who felt the same way. my middle school friends helped me practice a new name and pronouns and i felt so comfortable i went to the adults in my life. the school decided they wouldn’t help me socially transition and i had to learn to hold my bladder until I got home. i couldn’t use the restroom at school unless it was the one in the nurse’s office. my parents laughed at me and asked if i was “sometimes an alien.”

i was fifteen when i found the umbrella term ‘transgender’. i learned that the rain of feelings about myself were covered by this umbrella. i later learned that nonbinary felt even better than calling myself trans. i had come to my parents with this new information, hoping it would go easier, and they asked if i considered how they felt about having a trans child. they did not support my transition and they would not refer to me the way i wanted. i got my first real binder using my holiday money and started attending a support group for LGBTQ+ youth.

i was seventeen when i got my gender dysphoria diagnosis. my supportive place away from home pointed me in the right direction of help and it felt good to be told by a doctor what I could do to fix what I knew to be wrong. she tried to educate my parents, who started calling me the name I liked, but still couldn’t get on board with anything changing. my mother said “you will always be [deadname] to me.” at this point, hormones wouldn’t fix everything and surgical intervention was going to be needed

i was eighteen when i started my transition. my doctor taught me how to properly give myself injections and i began to document everything. my voice changed, my facial hair started to develop, and I was…sweaty. all the time. my doctor warned my of the side effects, but they were nothing compared to the joy i would feel knowing i could fix things. getting gendered properly was easier now and i had more people rooting for my success. nothing could go wrong for me in that moment.

i’ve since made it most of the way through my journey. i’ve been on hormones for five years and received top surgery before my twenty-first birthday. my parents don’t hear from me and maybe it’s for the better. this is what happens when you don’t give a child the language for their feelings. this is what happens when you alienate a child. they will learn to chase their own happiness and it won’t involve you. they will find people to accept them the way you were supposed to.