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caffeinetheory · 5 years

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TIMARI SOULMATE AU THING

-Anything you write or draw on your skin appears on the other’s

--This applies to injuries and cuts

-Tim is older by a few months

-They find out about the connection after Mari’s 7th birthday when they both get sizable bruises on each leg but can only remember causing one

--Que parents explaining what it means and frantic research

--Constant conversations follow

--Both become fluent in the other’s language with in 2 years (and even then people find out after 2 years because sometimes they slip when talking)

--Many inside jokes and weird words they made up trying to understand the other language that only they know the meaning of

-They send notes of worry to the other after bad injuries and notes of encouragement

-Wonder Women basically adopts Mari when she finds out there is an active Ladybug

--Mom used to be a Ladybug so she knows all about the Muraculi

-Mari does still have friends despite Lila’s best efforts

--Lila isn’t a main antagonist though still isn't a good person (I want to focus on more fluffy things so that's why; she is no way a good person or redeemed character)

--Her class support system: Cholé, Alix, Adrien, Kim, Luka, Kagami and Max

--Juleka comes around after hanging out with everyone and talking with Luka

--Nino, Nathaniel and Marc also support Mari but aren’t as open because fear and Nino is on the fence about his Girlfriend

--Jagged, Penny, Clara, Audrey all have a respect and care for Mari

-Tim and Mari have battles of witt on their arms to try to figure out who is smarter

--(Spoiler: they are both insanely smart) it is basically a tie

-Most of the good in person fluff will take place after Hawk Moth is defeated and Mari is the official Guardian

--My girl needs some happiness and good luck man

-Mari and Tim accidentally find out each others identity after they leave themselves notes on their arm and putting the pieces together; however this is often forgotten between stress and more important things

--Because of this though when the Justice League gets a message from Paris, he knows it is real and believes it

--When they find out they don’t tell the other because they understand and respect how important secret identities (this is part of the reason it doesn’t really cross their minds)

--Mari figures out who Robin is; she forgets that Red Robin is a thing so doesn’t look into finding him out

--Figuring out Robin was an accident so she doesnt looking to the rest of the BatFam

--Tim forgets about all the stuff about Ladybug on his arms because living in Gotham has enough to deal with so he tries not to focus on too much at once/has bigger problems

--“I JUST MEET RED ROBIN/LADYBUG” moment in Paris, after a patrol where they run into each other when the League is investigating the plea for help

--The Wayne’s and Diana are there on “official” business but really it is just a cover so they can investigate

--Diana hears about this from both sides as she befriended Mari earlier and finds this a lovely development

---She also figures out that they are soulmates but doesn’t tell them, it’s better if they figure it out themselves

---Does often have a knowing smile when talking to the 2 of them about it though

-It took years before the team decides that they need to contact the League

--This is a few years in maybe 4 going on 5

--Wonder Woman is the one going through the messages and immediately wants to help

--Tim walks in about ½ way through the message and stops what he is doing, immediately knowing this is real thanks to his soulmate

-BATBOIS

--Jason basically gets adopted by the Dupain-Cheng’s after coming to their bakey every morning while in Paris

---Loves Mari and would do anything to protect her

---Loves the fact she can easily flip him like its nothing

--Damiain respects her abilities and accepts the fact she is basically his older sister now

---Both end up becoming very protective of the other in their own ways

---Wants to teach her how to use his blades so badly and to meet all his pets

--Dick loves her from basically the beginning

---Loves her happy and optimistic attitude despite her situation (he can see himself in her a little bit)

---Instant friends and she smuggles sweets to him

--They meet when Dick follows Jason to the bakery one morning

---When Dick introduces Mari to Kori she is taken into a bone crushing hug that everyone is worried about the small girl but she instantly returns and is perfectly fine

----Kori already loves her

--All the boys meet her in Paris at the bakery but Tim and Bruce (Alfred did not come)

--Tim was never awake so they brought him back coffee and Bruce while he did go, she wasn’t there at the time

-There many “dumb” battles of witt have lead to many late night talks

--Anytime the bois need help with a really bad puzzle by the riddler Tim asks his soulmate under the guise of a normal “battle”

---There is rarely context but always a fun time

-Both have gotten a lot of big scars that sorry the other but they have comfort in the fact they know the other is still ok and alive

--Small messages and self care tips/messages usually litter their arm after a particular bad injury/scar

--This always makes them feel better and brings a small smile to their lips on both parties once they get the message they are okay

--Lots of check in messages too after big fights and encouragement

-Team Miraculous

--Ladybug is the leader and tends to be point base for public relations (Mari)

--Chat Noir is the second in command, and is the go to if Ladybug isn’t available

---Adrien has matured a lot and is a respectable force to be reckoned with

---Both of them help train the others and often spare together to blow off steam

--Ryuuko is Kagami, she became a permanent holder at the same time Luka did

--Viperion is Luka and it is after the four become a semntited team that Mari decides they should know each other’s identities

--Queen Bee joins a little but after, she’s a reformed Cholé

---While hesitate at first Mari gets them all to be accepting

---Probably changes name and outfit though, but is a permanent holder

--King Monkey and Pegas are semi permanent holders (Kim and Max respectfully)

---Only not permanent because they want to avoid suspension but are full members of the team

---Also work as civilians, helps with the cover

--Alix also is a part of the team but only as a civilian

---They have considered giving her the Fox

----She helps answer questions and acts as a ground base for the hero’s as she is the main “civilian” the government goes to if they need the team

--They are a really tight team and trust each other fully

--The turtle and fox get used but sparingly

---Ivan might be turtle sometimes

---Nino later might be a good choice too, I’m not fully sure yet

----Fox has been used by Alix and maybe Juleka too but unsure about Juleka right now

--All holders have slight effects from their miraculous

---Mari and Adrein have the most as they’ve had theirs the longest

---Mari has good luck and is able to embed some of that luck into what she makes

----She also doesn’t do well in the cold

----Things tend to grow more around her, especially flowers, almost like they are growing toward her

---Adrien has bad luck (thanks to Mari’s gifts this isn't really bad though) and if not careful can break anything

----Likes to take naps in the sun and is very protective

----Cats like to gravitate to him

---Kagami has lots of extra body heat

---Luka can sometimes predict what is going to happen, can predict a lot of normal everyday things

---Cholé can easily knock people out now, she knows all the right places to hit to incapacitate someone

---Max (weaker cause hasn’t had as long) knows the fastest way to get places and shortcuts basically anywhere

---Kim (weaker cause hasn’t had as long) is able to freerun and parkour with little training

----Can also sense when some chaos is about to happen, however it isn’t to sting yet but does get stronger the longer he has his miraculous

---Alix (has the weakest, but still strong) has the ability to tear apart half truths and lies, she gets this from the fox but also works on it herself after vowing to not let Lila fool anyone she cares about again

-After Hawk Moth is defeated Adrien moves in with the group

--Mostly stays with Mari and Kagami

---Considering moving with Mari when she leaves Pairs

-Mari becomes the Guardian before Hawk Moth is defeated

--It is about when she makes a real team, Fu gives her the knowledge and training she needs

--He’s been doing it indirecting since the beginning (well a few months in) but after she takes initiative with making the team he is more direct

--He waited to make sure she as ready and she is

-Mari plans to move to Gotham to properly meet her soulmate after school

--This is to move the Miraculous and to further her career

--This is one of the biggest motivators to contact the League to get help defeating Hawk Moth

--The team is more than onboard with going with her and follow where she goes

---They are basically family, and family supports family

--This move would also help them with Uni and furthering their potential careers, so it is a win-win for everyone

--They do want to stay a Superhero team after Hawk Moth but more low-key, the move would also give them a chance to be more open about wanting to do this

---They don’t want to step on toes but want to help if they can

-Soulmates in this au (romantic at least)

--Tim and Mari (duh)

--Adrien and Kon (Conner/Superboy)

--Cholé and Kagami (maybe Luka, unsure but I’m a sucker for poly, I could always make it a Young Justice member, any ideas welcome)

--Kim/Max/Alix (we love poly and these are a good trio)

-Kon-el/Conner and Adrien

--For the longest time Adrien didn’t think he’d ever be loved/have a soulmate

---Conner wasn’t around yet so that’s why his connection wasn’t there

--Adrien cried the first time he got a mark he cried

---It made him know there was someone else

---Mari stayed with him the whole night holding him and telling him, she knew he would have someone

--Conner rarely responds, the boy doesn’t know French so it’s kinda hard

---Tim notices the language and offers him help, he is also the one to explain what soulmates are to Conner

--Conner feels bad for his “other half”

---Partly due to the whole secret identity thing

----He isn’t great with people

----His other half seems to get hurt a lot and doesn’t want to be another cause of that pain

--Despite never getting much from his soulmate Adrien always leaves messages of encouragement and validation

--He understands how much that can mean to someone

---He starts to leave some in Englsih too, just in case his soulmate only knows Englsih

----Mari’s idea but he was more than on board for

---He often apologies of injuries he gets

----Conner doesn’t usually notice the injury but the note afterward

-----part of his alien blood is why he doesn't usually feel

------When he does notice he does worry a lot because if he feels it what must have happened to this other person (is under the impression it is a normal civilian)

--Adrien is so happy to know he is loved by someone else, because as Conner may not show it, he has a feeling his other half cares

---Mari is so happy that her best friend has gotten what he needed to know he was loved she cries with him too

----It happens a year or so after being heros so they are close but don’t quite know each others identities yet, but that happens not long after

--Conner is convinced to go and help when the Justice League goes to Paris

---He goes and stays with Tim most of the time

---Tim is the one who convinced him to go and acts as a translator, as Conner has a grasp of the language he isn't too confident

---He does meet Chat Noir but only briefly; both are more focused on the bigger picture

----Both act like lost puppies with Mari and Tim respectfully; and when they get together this doesn't change too much

----They are a really fluffy couple, Adrein needs physical affection and Conner accepts

-How they meet (Tim and MAri) [finally I know]

--They meet as heros before they meet as civilians

--They meet as heros on a patrol before the final battle with Hawk Moth

---This is where the “HOLY SHIT I JUST MEET RED ROBIN/LADYBUG” moment happens, after they get back from patrol they indemnity write the other

----Mari talks to Diana about all this over breakfast the next day

-----they both know the others identity because Diana told Mari so she would trust her because she knew Mari because of her connection with the Miraculous, instant connection

----Wonder Woman figures out they are soulmates through this (Tim had a mini crisis with her that night)

--She “may or may not” leave hint to Bruce to set something up for them

--The 2 are to focused on the final battle to worry about the potential revelations

---While fighting they have instant synergy and chemistry that goes unnoticed by them at the time but everyone else notices and takes note

--Bruce decides to “spontaneously” sponsor a trip for a class to go to Gotham, as a senior/graduation reward for a class that has done a lot for their community

---It is also a way to give a break to the poor kids who have been dealing with this for far to long

---The “contest” is announced about a week or so after the final battle

---Wonder Woman tells Mari about it

---Mari then proceeds to write far more than one would have expected, she really wants her class to have something good finally, and even excluding all the hero end stuff they do it is close to being a novel

----She would have won even if wasn’t a set up

---Wonder Woman tells Bruce which class to choose and doesn’t question it as he trusts her judgment, he also doesn’t question why she is so insistent but completely agrees with her choice

----Diana is the one to tell Mari who instaly is giving her a bone crushing hug which Diana returns in fold

---The whole squad is hyped

----Luka and Kagami pulled some strio “happen” to be going to Gotham themselves

----This is also seen as a great opportunity for them to scout places for them to consider moving after school is done

--They meet at Wayne Enterprise building

---Dick is leading the tour

----Diana may or may not have given him some hints that Tim’s soulmate is in the group

--Lila’s empire is destroyed that week, she tried to lie about the Waynes to the Waynes

---Tries to say she is dating Damiain who is way younger than her and knows nothing

---Conner is staying with Tim because his soulmate said something about Gotham and figured spending time with Tim isn’t bad either

--Identity get revealed on purpose during the trip (probably near the end)

--When Mari sees the boys she is confused but happy to see her new friends again so soon

--Diana is a good support for Mari and a “wing woman” of sorts

--Jason is so happy to she his new “sister” when he crashes the tour to mess with Dick

--Tim is passed out in his office when they pass

---Mari writes a note to her soulmate about how funny it is, this makes Conner look up as he is watching Tim and sees the note appear in his arm

---Mari doesn’t notice but Dick and Jason do

---This leads to the 3 trying to get them to talk

---Adrien catches on and instantly wants to help his bestie meet her boy

----Adrien then tells his soulmate about it later because he wants to and Conner sits straight up and has a huge revelation

-----The boys along with Diana and Mari’s squad set them up and they have a good time and it is really cute

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queen-of-the-trash-planet-tm · 5 years

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Ok here me out, Marinette Project runway winner

This is for @ozmav @mindfulmagics @maribat-archive @realrandomposts for inspiring me to do this even though I’m probably annoying you people.

She moved to Gotham after defeating Hawkmoth to study abroad

During this time she begins her time on Project runway

Even after having commissioned her work to celebrities such as Clara Nightingale and Jagged Stone she is out in the bottom 3 in 2 occasions

This causes her to work even harder to win

Marinette creates looks based off of Ladybug, the miraculous team, and the heroes of Gotham (Chat’s Miraculous was taken long ago, before defeating Hawkmoth)

Her Robin look was the one that made her the win (it was a simple, but elegant black blazer with a small robin embroidered on the right breast pocket, a white-based shirt with prints that resembled a bird making its nest, black slacks, and brown dress shoes).

The judges loved her craftsmanship, “You have magic in the tips of your fingers!”

“The embroidery is so detailed, how did you have time for that?”

“I love it! Marinette Dupain-Cheng you are Project Runway’s 20XX’s winner!”

*Cue Marinette being so happy she burst into tears*

After this, she begins working on building her brand. She began shipping her clothes internationally. Her work becomes huge in Asia and blows up, K-pop and C-pop idols love her. BTS was once caught using her clothes as airport fashion. Jackson Wang and BOYSTORY are always wearing her clothes.

Because of this Marinette’s celebrity clientele, just became a heck of a lot bigger.

Jagged now brags about her work at every red carpet event he goes to (if he didn’t already).

“Jagged, please. Jagged no. Jagged why?”

Clara does the same, but not to Jagged’s extreme.

Marinette is constantly embarrassed by this and try’s her best to give credit to the other contestants she met on the show. They all loved her and were as happy as they could be when she won.

All of this leads to Jagged introducing Marinette to Bruce Wayne.

“I hear you’ve been Jagged’s exclusive designer since you were fourteen? That’s impressive.”

Marinette waves it off, “I was just trying to help a friend.”

“I was wondering if I could commission you to create mine and my sons’ next charity gala suits. I’ve seen your work and it is very practical, most of the designers sacrifice functionality and practicality for aesthetic. But you seem to know that there is more to it then looking nice, your work seems to be able to be on the go as well.”

Of course, Marinette agrees, “Y-Yes! I would love to!”

This leads to a later fitting session at the Wayne Manor to get their measurements.

“Ah, Ms. Dupain-Cheng, you’re early,” Alfred points out while Marinette waits for entry.

Alfred allowed for her to get inside after a moment.

“On time is late and early is on time, Mr?”

“Pennyworth, but you may call me Alfred. That is exactly what I always say, Madame.”

“Well, in that case, you can just call me Marinette.” She smiles at the well-seasoned gentleman.

The well-mannered man shows Marinette to the living area to wait on Bruce and his sons.

What she wasn’t expecting was for two men to come barreling down the stairs, locked in combat over a trivial subject. “Take it back, Todd!”

“Not a chance, Demon Spawn!”

“I’ll break every bone in your body so badly, that not even the Lazarus pits could undo the damage caused!”

“When you say things like that, you just prove my point!!”

Marinette silently watched as the two continued their squabble. ‘What’s a Lazarus pit? I’ll have to ask Master Fu.’ (After defeating Hawkmoth, Master Fu retrieved Tiki. But that didn’t stop her guardian training.)

Eventually, the two boys got physical and Marinette decided it was time to intervene.

“Say it AGAIN!”

“You are JUST like your grandfather! You bra-”

“Umm, excuse me... Who are you two?”

The two stop to see a small, French woman physically keeping the two apart. The boys look completely gobsmacked.

“The better question is who are you?”

“I’m Marinette Dupain-Cheng, I’m here to get Bruce Wayne and his sons’ measurements for a piece he commissioned me to do. I’m a designer,” She said smiling, extending her hand.

Jason takes it before Damian, “I’m Jason Todd-Wayne, nice to meet you.”

Damian scowls, “How polite of you...” he murmured to himself.

Marinette looks to the boy who has yet to introduce himself, “And you are?”

Both Damian and Jason’s jaws dropped, she really didn't know who they were. She was in their house for Pete’s sake, “I’m Damian Wayne.” Damian took her hand and gave it a kiss for added effect.

“Show off,” could be heard from Jason’s direction.

Marinette didn’t care for what the peanut gallery had to say, she was bright red after Damian did that.

At this moment, Dick, Tim, and Bruce walked in at the same time.

“Ms. Dupain-Cheng, you’re early,” Bruce said walking to greet her.

“I didn’t want for you to wait for me, also you can just call me Marinette. It feels weird when someone older and with a much more esteemed reputation calls me Miss.”

Once she finished speaking, Tim basically ran to her at the speed of light. The Flash, who?

See all the boys enjoyed Jagged’s music, but Tim, Tim was the grade A fanboy that everybody at least knows of. He’s watched every interview, heard every song, bought every album, poster, t-shirt, and every bit of merch he could get his hands on.

Needless to say after all the praise, Jagged gives to his personal designer, Tim knows exactly who she is.

“It is an honor to meet you Ms. Dupain-Cheng, I am Tim Drake-Wayne. I’m a big fan of your work.”

“You like fashion, Timmy?”

“I’m interested, sure, but Ms. Dupain-Cheng has done work for Jagged Stone. Since. She. Was. Fourteen. Her work has won awards since she was fourteen!” Tim said, disgusted by his brothers’ not knowing who she is.

“Please, it was completely by chance I met Jagged. Plus, I wasn't the only designer he’s ever had.” Marinette tried to take the attention off of her achievements.

“You just the only one who has made Jagged look like something other than an eggplant. I love the guy’s music, but his outfits before you... they looked cheap.”

Dick moved to speak, “It’s true, looking back at his old ensembles, there was a dramatic shift in craftsmanship. I’m Richard Grayson-Wayne, but you can call me Dick.”

Marinette’s face rivaled her old Ladybug costume. “Please, it was nothing. I made a million mistakes when I was designing back then. Anyway, let’s talk about what’s happening today. Your measurements for your suits. I assume Mr. Wayne has more important things to do after this.”

This got the boys to get down to business (to defeat the Huns) and shapes up real quick at the sound of her “serious” voice. The same one she used to use when Chat Noir used to flirt in the middle of an attack.

She when in order of oldest to youngest. Bruce, Dick, Jason, and Tim, were all done. Damian had been waiting patiently for his turn, watching her work.

Marinette had this habit of sticking her tongue out whenever she was hyper-focused, Damian found this endearing. While she was getting his measurements, he was staring hard. This did not go unnoticed by the Batfam.

After she’s finished, it’s kinda late. Alfred invites her for dinner and Marinette graciously agrees. Marinette helps prepare the dessert, Alfred repeatedly told her she didn’t have to, but she insisted.

During dinner, the Batfam began to ask about her personal life, “So, are you seeing anyone?”

“Master Dick, that is not appropriate to ask a young lady!”

Marinette almost chokes at the question, “That’s... um... I just got out of a controlling relationship. I... um... really don’t feel like talking about it.”

Adrien had done a number on her mentally, once he discovered she was Ladybug he wanted her and him to get together immediately. She agreed after some time, but Adrien was always pushy. He always pressured her into doing something that she wasn’t comfortable doing. One day she had enough, she told him that she was done. Let’s just say that didn’t go over well. Marinette shifted in her seat as she recalls that night.

Damian seems to notice this and tells her that she doesn’t have to say anything if she doesn’t want to, Marinette appreciates this and thanks him.

Quickly Marinette switches the topic, “I really like that Gotham has heroes, that protect the city. They make me feel safe like I'm back in Paris.”

This gets all the boys’ attention, Bruce asks her why.

“In Paris, there were heroes to protect them from a magical terrorist, named Hawkmoth. He possessed people who were at their worst and turned them into these things called, Akumas. Ladybug and Chat Noir were the heroes. After he was defeated, Ladybug and Chat Noir retired.”

Damian was baffled by how the league did not know about this, “Why haven’t we heard about this?”

“Mayor Bourgeois kept everything quite to keep tourism flowing, but if you really want to know about it there’s a blog. Be careful though not everything on there is reliable.”

Tim makes a mental note to check it out later.

By the end of the meal and time to go home, all members of the Batfam+Alfred give and get Marinette’s personal contact info.

They gained a friend and a new designer.

Let me know if you want more because then and only then will I do more. This is my first time posting my writing, so please be nice. Thank you for taking the time to read it though! :)

Edit: here’s the ao3 link https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Farchiveofourown.org%2Fworks%2F20572886&t=MGFkNWY5ZDVjOTcwNmIyOTU3YjM0OGQwOTc1YTU5MWZkNDlkNzliYSwwZjg5ZTA1ODIyY2M5MGUyNWYxY2YyMzYyZTY3ZjY2NmNjNzIwMDg5

#maribat #marinette x damian #Damian Wayne #damientte #BatFam #tim drake #jason todd #dick grayson #bruce wayne #alfred pennyworth #adrien agreste #marinette dupain-cheng #miraculous ladybug #DC Universe

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myfandomrambles · 5 years

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C-PTSD & BPD Doctor

(Doctor Character Study part 3D)

An analysis of The Doctor as having Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) along with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).If you read my ADHD & Autistic doctor posts you will notice some symptom overlap mostly with impulsivity. I chose to put C-PTSD and BPD as one post because symptom overlap is strong, and the disorders are highly comorbid.

12th Doctor:

The Twelfth Doctor is often viewed as a darker, colder Doctor. He is a more abrasive character than many of The Doctor’s faces. He didn’t lie about who and what he was like many of the new Doctors do. He is really grappling with the Time War’s effects on himself, having lived in a war on Trenzalore, many of the things he has done or chosen to do that facilitated harm and very prominently all of the loved ones he’s lost before, during and after the wars.

The idea of being a soldier or general vs being The Doctor hangs heavy on him. He not only played a general and war hero during the time war “The Doctor of war” but was also the default commander of the Trenzalore war, the target of much of the violence and the de facto leader of the town during the siege. His deep fear of who he really is, and distaste for anything related to soldiers does stem from the Time War but regenerating off the war on Trenzalore made him have to grapple even further because he spent so much time having to experience it all over again.

In this Doctor's run we get some references back to his earliest incarnation and life on Gallifrey in series 9 a chunk of this is mostly plot-related in the concept of the Time Dial and Hybrid but even that added to other information gives insight to his early life which connects with all of the New Who Doctors, and greatly with the Twelfth Doctor in interesting ways.

"Man: Why does he have to sleep out here?

Woman: He doesn't want the others to hear him crying.

Man: Why does he have to cry all the time?

Woman: You know why.

Man: There'll be no crying in the army.

Woman: Hush.

Man: Don't pretend you're not awake. We're not idiots.

Woman: Come and sleep in the house. You don't have to be alone. If you can hear me, you're very welcome in the house, with the other boys. I'll leave the door on the latch. Come in any time.

Man: He can't just run away crying all the time if he wants to join the army.

Woman: He doesn't want to join the army. I keep telling you.

Man: Well, he's not going to the Academy, is he, that boy? He'll never make a Time Lord."

This scene is in TV: Listen is connected well with much of what we knew before about The Doctor's lonely childhood, his experience of always been regarded as a renegade, was disliked in school, not liking the rigid society, having anxiety even as a kid and being generally isolated [save The Master]. In this story, it also ties into the way that even into this regeneration The Doctor deals with fears and anxiety he tries to hide and intellectualize. This also sets up a baseline of possible attachment struggles that have worsened with complex trauma.

In TV: Witch's familiar Missy describes The Doctor as a young Time Lord, It’s told in a bit of humour manner but connects in with the more serious discussion on TV: Heaven Sent/Hell Bent.

“Doctor: A long time ago, there was a student at the Academy. He got in here, disappeared for four days. Showed up in a completely different part of the city. Said the Sliders talked to him, they showed him the secret passage out. And we just need the code.

Clara: What and the kid told you the secret?

Doctor: Ah, no, he didn't tell anyone anything. He went completely mad. Never right in the head again, so they say.

Clara: Okay, that's encouraging.

Doctor: The last I heard, he stole the moon and the President's wife.

Clara: Was she, er, Was she nice, the President's wife?

Doctor: Ah, well, that was a lie put about by the Shabogans. It was the President's daughter. I didn't steal the moon, I lost it.

Clara: I'd know you anywhere.

Doctor: I was a completely different person in those days. Eccentric, a bit mad, rude to people.”

This conversation again adds a bit to The Doctor stories adding to things like the Tenth Doctor’s discussion of the Untempered Schism shaping The Doctor even from a young age. This also connects with The Doctor's self-perception, the above attachment issues and talks about how his history on Gallifrey has influenced his identity issues.

The Doctor Struggles with boundaries, something that we know is connected with his alien tendencies [and if you read my Autistic/Adhd sections it ties with that] but I think his emotional and identity enmeshment with Clara and to some degree Missy has a tie into his history of loss and trauma ( TV: Under The Lake & TV: The Witch’s Familiar). We see that The Doctor tends to either care for people an intense amount or have difficulty forming a connection, this also applies to his trust ( TV: Time Heist, TV: The Caretaker, TV: Dark Water/Death in Heaven, TV: Last Christmas, TV: Zygon Invasion TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood, & TV: The Pilot, TV: The Lie of The Land)

The Doctor has poor boundaries with Clara, in Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death The Doctor enters Clara’s bathroom while in the tub in the TARDIS, he has little care for how this would cross boundaries. The Doctor also very often relies on her for how he sees and values himself putting his Duty of Care over anything else. In TV: Dark Water we see another example,

“Clara: You're going to help me?

Doctor: Well, why wouldn't I help you?

Clara: Because of what I just did. I just

Doctor: You betrayed me. Betrayed my trust, you betrayed our friendship, you betrayed everything that I've ever stood for. You let me down!

Clara: Then why are you helping me?

Doctor: Why? Do you think I care for you so little that betraying me would make a difference?”

Clara crossed an extreme line in this episode having, in her mind, drugged The Doctor and destroyed his ability to get into his home and possible stranding them in a deadly position. As The Doctor point’s out he betrayed him deeply and let him down. The most telling part here isn’t to me that he helps her out, it’s that he doesn’t set this up as a time of “forgiving” her for having done something that could have hurt them both, but that it doesn’t make a difference. Betraying him could never make a difference, a level of extreme trust and lack of autonomy from her.

Being without her makes him reckless (TV: The Witch’s Familiar) and the ability to possibly protect her will make him cross lines, ones of keeping himself safe (TV: Last Christmas) and his own personal moral standards (TV: Face The Raven). In TV: Heaven Sent he describes life as not being worth living without her while trying to figure out if he can get out of the situation he questions if its work it saying,

“Doctor: But I can remember, Clara. You don't understand, I can remember it all. Every time. And you'll still be gone. Whatever I do, you still won't be there.”

The Doctor and Clara’s identities become enmeshed in The Doctor’s perception in TV: Heaven Sent he says,

“Doctor: Assume you're going to survive. Always assume that. Imagine you've already survived. There's a storm room in your mind. Lock the door and think. This is my storm room. I always imagine that I'm back in my Tardis, showing off, telling you how I escaped, making you laugh.”

This shows how she is part of his own internal thought process and his coping skills. And later in TV: Hell Bent along with his willingness to cross all his personal boundaries and the laws of time it’s discussed how they might, even if just in personal and outside perception, become a singular entity in the Hybrid.

“Doctor: Does it matter?

Ashildr: No. Because I have a better theory.

Doctor: Really?

Ashildr: What if the Hybrid wasn't one person, but two?

Doctor: Two?

Ashildr: A dangerous combination of a passionate and powerful Time Lord and a young woman so very similar to him.”

Part of this enmeshed identities is connected to the concept of Favourite person which Clara Oswald fills the role of in seasons 8 & 9. He puts so much of himself into her in his self-perception and works hard to keep her safe. ( TV: Into The Dalek, TV: In The Forest of The Night, TV: The Magician's Apprentice, TV: Zygon Invasion/Zygon Inversion, Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death, Prose: The Blood Cell, TV: Time Heist).

This is shown in terms of ‘duty of care’, this also relates to his hero/god complex, feelings that he needs to control everything, deep fears and anxiety and guilt over people he can’t save. ( TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood, TV: Face the Raven, TV: The Girl Who Died). He also shows a lot of jealousy towards her showing attention to others. (TV: Robots of Sherwood, TV: Listen, TV: Last Christmas, TV: The Caretaker, Comic: The Four Doctors)

In TV: The Caretaker Danny Pink comments on The Doctors need to keep her safe.

“Danny: It's all right, it doesn't matter. I don't need him to like me. It doesn't matter if he likes me or hates me, I just need to do exactly one thing for you. Doctor, am I right?

Doctor: Yes.

Clara: What? What one thing?

Danny: I need to be good enough for you. That's why he's angry. Just in case I'm not.”

This protectiveness reaches its most extreme in Twelve shooting The General in TV: Hell Bent. He is also willing to hurt himself in order for her to not be hurt. This can be seen in TV: Dark Water & TV: The Witch's Familiar and allowing himself to be hurt for thousands of years in the Time Dial. (TV: Heaven Sent/Hell Bent)

This enmeshment isn't one-sided. Multiple Times Clara notes how important The Doctor is to her, stating he is essential to her in TV: Before the Flood, calling him the only person she really trusts (TV: Dark Water/Death in Heaven) and desperately wanting to be like him. (TV: Flatline, TV: The Girl Who Died & TV: Face The Raven)

In TV: Listen Clara ends up on Gallifrey and tried to calm the young Doctor, she is then able to extrapolate this to her Doctor whom she knows and understands his fear of vulnerability but has also seen him when he is lost and hurt, knowing he is anxious. When she comes back she says;

“Clara: What if there was nothing? What if there never was anything? Nothing under the bed, nothing at the door. What if the big bad Time Lord doesn't want to admit he's just afraid of the dark.

Doctor: Where are we? Have we moved? Where have we landed?

Clara: Don't look where we are. Take off, and promise me you will never look where we've been.

Doctor: Why?

Clara: Just take off. Don't ask questions.

Doctor: I don't take orders, Clara.

Clara: Do as you're told.”

The way she explains can seem harsh, but keeping him from looking is important as she knows it would consume him trying to work out how they were on a past time lock Galifrey.

Missy becomes someone Twelve links personal image in the show as well. The Doctor and The Master has a long history of hurting each other and then forgiving it when maybe it doesn't make sense to. The Doctor will also often go over other people's heads in order to offer the hand to the master after they do harm to other people. It’s also been pointed out by people like the Rani that the master is overly obsessed with The Doctor. But The Doctor also has a history of connecting their personal identity to the master too. Something we can see throughout Twelve's run.

In TV: World Enough and Time Bil and The Doctor discuss why he wants Bill to help him with Missy’s test run helping others.

“Doctor: She's my friend. She's my oldest friend in the universe.

Bill: Well, you've got lots of friends. Better ones. What's so special about her?

Doctor: She's different.

Bill: Different how?

Doctor: I don't know.

Bill: Yes, you do.

Doctor: She's the only person that I've ever met who's even remotely like me.

Bill: So more than anything you want her to be good?

...

Doctor: I know I can help her.”

In this quote, we see that The Doctor needs The Master to be good because of how much he sees of himself in her. There has to be redemption in the heart of The Master because he believes that it is a reflection of his own possibility of goodness, but also part of The Doctor needing to be able to help the people he cares for.

In TV: The Doctor Falls we see more of this trying to have Missy change and to have his friend fill the hole he has.

"Doctor: No! No! When I say no, you turn back around! Hey! I'm going to be dead in a few hours, so before I go, let's have this out, you and me, once and for all. Winning? Is that what you think it's about? I'm not trying to win. ... It's not because it's fun and God knows it's not because it's easy. It's not even because it works, because it hardly ever does. I do what I do because it's right! Because it's decent! And above all, it's kind. It's just that. ... And I will stand here doing it till it kills me. You're going to die too, someday. How will that be? Have you thought about it? What would you die for? Who I am is where I stand. Where I stand, is where I fall. Stand with me."

....

Doctor: Missy. Missy. You've changed. I know you have. And I know what you're capable of. Stand with me. It's all I've ever wanted.

Missy: Me too. But no. Sorry. Just, no. But thanks for trying."

The Doctor easily forgives the masters’ betrayal when she tried to get him to shoot Clara. (TV: The Witch's Familiar) The next time they meet Twelve saves Missy’s life and vows to watch over and try to help her. (TV: Extremis)

The Doctor and Nardole’s relationship is interesting as we see that he works with The Doctor after having been close with his wife. Nardole has seen a lot of The Doctor's weak points and we can see that there is some trust there. Nardole while willing to push back, he is essentially The Doctor’s assistant. While having a license to “kick his ass” (TV: Extremis) for the most part he does as he is told, and when The Doctor does things he doesn’t have any real power over his actions. The Doctor's need for control is evident here but he showed himself as dependable something The Doctor needs as he tends to lose his control when alone.

Bill views The Doctor as her teacher and trusts him very quickly. (TV: Pilot, TV: Smile, TV: The Eaters of Light, TV: Pyramid at The End of The World, & TV: World Enough and Time) . We see another side to their relationship in TV: Thin Ice. There we see her able to read the trauma and loss in his face but can also tell time has allowed him to blot out the emotions and the utilitarian way he tries and deal with it.

“Bill: Yeah? Tell me this. You've seen people die before, yeah?

Doctor: Of course.

Bill: You still care?

Doctor: Of course I care.

Bill: How many?

Doctor: How many what?

Bill: If you care so much, tell me how many people you've seen die?

Doctor: I don't know.

Bill: Okay. How many before you lost count?

Doctor: I care, Bill, but I move on.

Bill: Yeah? How quickly?

Doctor: It's not me you're angry with.

Bill: Have you ever killed anyone? There's a look in your eyes sometimes that makes me wonder. Have you?

Doctor: There are situations when the options available are limited.

Bill: Not what I asked.

Doctor: Sometimes the choices are very

Bill: That's not what I asked!

Doctor: Yes.

Bill: How many?

Bill: Don't tell me. You've moved on.

Doctor: You know what happens if I don't move on? More people die.”

I think this also points to the way The Doctor has the ability and history of taking life and death into his hands and is aware of this in his answers here. The hole left by taking lives and watching them be lost is visible even to those who care for him.

The other most important relationship is The Doctor’s connection to Ashildr. Their connection is born from an episode of flashbacks, anxiety, control issues and overblown sense of responsibility in his god complex. She is made into what she is because of The Doctor trying to be The Doctor, the grand concept, the man who saves people. Her existence is built from hubris and trauma. As well as the no or complete trust he tends to have with other people, becoming deeply connected to people very quickly.

“Doctor: People like us, we go on too long. We forget what matters. The last thing we need is each other...I looked into your eyes and I saw my worst fears. Weariness. Emptiness.

Ashildr: That's why you can't travel with me. Our perspectives are too vast. Too far away.

...

Doctor:...Who told you about me? The man who comes for the battle and runs away from the fallout.

Ashildr: Take your pick. You've had an impact on this world. You've made waves.

Doctor: Sometimes tidal waves.

Ashildr: I'm flattered.

....

Ashildr: Someone has to look out for the people you abandon. Who better than me? I'll be the patron saint of The Doctor's leftovers. While you're busy protecting this world, I'll get busy protecting it from you.”

(TV: The Woman Who Lived)

He feels responsible for her, but he also needs her to be okay to have compassion for other people. Because he has his own struggle with weary and emptiness letting it totally consume him is something he dreads. Ashildr also gained the knowledge of the way The Doctor leaves a trail in the world, taking the title “patron saint of The Doctor’s leftovers” she is playing on his guilt, even if it is very honest.

Hyperarousal and Hyperarousal is seen a lot with the Twelfth Doctor (TV: Deep Breath, TV: Into the Dalek, TV: Robots of Sherwood, TV: In The Forest Of The Night, TV: Zygon Invasion/Zygon Inversion, Comic: Selfie, Comic: Ghost Stories, Prose, The Blood Cell, Prose Big Bang Generation, Comic: Playing House, TV: Heaven Sent, Comic: Supremacy of The Cybermen). This overlaps with compulsive thoughts and anxiety in TV: Listen where the whole story cover being so on edge he makes up a reason for his paranoid thoughts and fears.

This also manifests as The Doctor being very restless in general (Prose: Big Bang Generation, Prose: Blood Cell, TV: Prequel to The Magician's Apprentice, TV: Time Heist, TV: Listen, Comic: The Twist & Comic: Unearthly Things). And visible anxiety through his body language and way of speaking (TV: Dark Water, TVL Heaven Sent Comic: Hyperion Empire, Comic: The Boy With the Displaced Smile, TV: In The Forest of The Night, TV: Extremis, The Magician's Apprentice, & Comic: Supremacy of The Cybermen)

In TV: The Girl Who Died, he describes how after loss and during stress he experiences times where he can’t breathe a description congruent with anxiety.

“Doctor: One day, the memory of that will hurt so much that I won't be able to breathe”

He experienced episodes of high anger ( TV: Into The Dalek, TV: The Caretaker, TV: Tim Heist, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: Before The Flood, Zygon Inversion. TV: Face The Raven, TV: Heaven Sent/Hell Bent, TV: Thin Ice, Comic: The Twist, TV: The Doctor Falls, & TV: Twice Upon A Time). Sometimes becoming outward displays of violence line when he punches a Man in TV: Thin Ice and shooting The General in TV: Hell Bent.

We see another episode of extreme anger in TV: Death In Heaven, he internalizes his anger until it becomes too much and we see him break down destroying his console. We see other internalized anger in (TV: Heaven Sent, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: The Witch’s Familiar, & TV: Last Christmas)

He has a marked experience of irritability and agitation struggling to handle interpersonal situations and (TV: Into The Dalek, TV: Mummy on The Orient Express, TV: Last Christmas, Comic: Fractures, Comic: The Hyperion Empire, & Prose: Blood Cell). This decreases over time in the later season showing less of an agitated and often perceived as rude, it takes a form of internalization quite a bit covered by fatigue.

Twelve has a strong need to control the situation around him and himself (TV: Robots of Sherwood TV: Listen, TV: The Caretaker, TV: Into The Forest of The Night, TV: Last Christmas TV: Prequel To The Magician's Apprentice, TV: The Magician's Apprentice/The Witch's Familiar, TV: The Zygon Invasion/Zygon INversion, TV: Sleep No More TV: Doctor Mysterio, TV: Oxygen, TV: Extremis/Pyramid at the end of the world/Lie of the Land, TV: The Empress of Mars, TV: World Enough and Time/The Doctor Falls & TV: Twice Upon a Time, Comic: The Twist, Comic: Terror of the Cabinet Noir, & TV: Invasion of The Midmorphs)

The Doctor’s need to have control over the situation can become a level of manipulative that can upset the people he is with. Taking the form of knowing things others don’t and not letting them in, or using other people’s lives in what from the outside seems like a game. (TV: Mummy on The Orient Express, TV: Before The Flood, and Comic: The Twist)

In TV: Flatline they discuss methods of control

“Doctor: Excellent lying, Doctor Oswald.

Clara: Yeah? Well, thought it was pretty weak myself.

Doctor: I meant to me. You told me that Danny was okay with you being back on board the Tardis.

Clara: Well, he is.

Doctor: Yeah, because he doesn't know anything about it.

Clara: Doctor

Doctor: Congratulations. Lying is a vital survival skill.

Clara: Well, there you go.

Doctor: And a terrible habit.”

This is an interesting exchange as I think it connects to control, a sense of disconnection from others as well as adding a throughline to his previous regeneration. He refers to it as a survival skill Clara was using the same skills The Doctor did in order to control the situation with those episodes side characters. But it’s also pointed to as a bad habit, something The Doctor wishes they didn’t have to do. We know that the lying was a tool of control and isolation to the Eleventh Doctor. River and The Doctor’s rule one was consistent “The Doctor lies.” I think it can also be connected to implicit memories of acting on behaviours he has needed to do for a long time.

Control is invoked in a different manner in Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death he invokes the president of the world status. We see this again in Comic: The Hyperion Empire he takes charge of the situation over a politician even using the president of the world title to his advantage, Kate comments on this as funny doing to his dislike of this title in previous episodes.

In Prose: The Blood Cell there is an interesting example of this in his maintaining control of the situation in a prison by continuously doing things that assert his own control over the situation. It’s effective as he has as much information on the situation as the people who run the prison who are having their own kind of power struggle. He jokes about having a day off as well, commenting on his being the one in power in most places, which is oddly a part of his trying, and eventually succeeding in controlling a situation that is meant to leave him powerless.

The control issues are commented on by The Doctor in TV: Under The Lake

“Doctor: So, who's in charge now? I need to know who to ignore.”

These issues are inflamed during the events of TV: Heaven Sent/Hell Bent when his control was entirely stripped by the Time Lords. During these experiences he does what he can to hold control and overcompensating, using his previous interactions and war experience to essentially hold Galifrey even when he has no intention of staying. This is understandable due to the torture of the Time Dial and it continues to affect him moving forward.

He can show anxiety when he loses control of the situation (TV: Flatline, TV: The Caretaker, TV: Heaven Sent, TV: Pyramid at The End Of The World, TV: Time Heist, TV: Oxygen, Comic: The Wolves of Winter, Comic: The Hyperion Empire, Comic: Supremacy of The Cybermen, & Comic: Ghost Stories) An example that is played as laughs but shows this is his dislike of River yanking him around (TV: The Husbands of River Song)

"Doctor: Stop holding my hand, people don't do that to me.”

Similar interactions happen between Bernice Summerfield and Twelve during Prose: The Big Bang Generation, as he doesn’t hold the cards for much of the Story.

The Doctor can use displays and show off in part of his need for control and as a way of trying to impress his friends, It works against his feeling of loneliness and giving that need for attention. It can take the form of just generally extreme displays of masking emotions like in TV: The Magician's Apprentice and TV: The Lie of The Land or explaining how he did something (TV: In The Forest of The Night TV: Kill The Moon,, TV: Time Heist, Comic: The Twist, TV: Mummy on The Orient Express, TV: Last Christmas, TV: The Witch's Familiar, TVL: Thin Ice, Prose: Blood Cell, TV: Pyramid at The End of The World & TV: World Enough and Time)

The Doctor has a deep fear of showing he’s own vulnerability, this is seen very clearly in TV: Extremis & TV: Pyramid at The End of The World. After TV: Oxygen The Doctor is left blind and refuses to tell Bill that this lasted. He uses the glasses to try and see the outlines of things and grudgingly relies on Nardole for help. It’s impossible to do it totally on his own, and Nardole had seen vulnerability before so he is the one let somewhat in. The fear of being seen as something that connects to his trauma and needs to show people a heroic side of himself and close off all of the pain and trauma inside of him.

In TV: Extremis Nardole references that he fears others knowing about vulnerabilities and accepting them himself,

“Nardole: Okay, so you're blind and you don't want your enemies to know. I get it. But why does it have to be a secret from Bill?

Doctor: Because I don't like being worried about. Around me, people should be worried about themselves.

Nardole: Yeah, shall I tell you the real reason?

Doctor: No.

Nardole: Because the moment you tell Bill, it becomes real. And then you might actually have to deal with it.

Doctor: Good point, well made. Definitely not telling her now.

Nardole: You're an idiot.

Doctor: Everyone knows that.”

The Doctor has a tendency to isolate himself as a function of anxiety and depression. Part of this is his fear of vulnerability done with words and lies of omission and sometimes straight-up separating himself physically (TV: Dark Water/Last Christmas, TV: The Eaters of Light, TV: Twice Upon A Time, TV: Kill The Moon, Prose: Big Bang Generation, & TV: Extremis/Pyramid at The End of The World) when overwhelmed he literally bolts and leaves the stressful place, this is seen again in TV: The Girl Who Died where when he realises that Ashildr died he hides his emotions and hides from others.

Emotional masking can be part of this, in TV: The Return of Doctor Mysterio he says he’s “always okay” instead of being honest and moving on from it.

Deals with obsessive thoughts (TV: Mummy on The Orient Express, TV: Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: The Girl Who Died, TV: Smile & TV: Twice Upon A Time, & TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood). We see this heavily in TV: Listen, he thought himself into creating an entire creature thought rumination. The concept here is also fear itself and a loss of control through a creature he could never see. We this also is tied into other issues like nightmares, insomnia and references back to his childhood which through the extended universe materials and references in the show was not a happy one with being ostracised from his own family/chapter from peers and early experiences of violence. Another specific version of this is his preoccupation with his trauma, seen in TV: Into the Dalek in his conversation with the Dalek.

“Rusty: Daleks have destroyed a million stars.

Doctor: Oh, millions and millions. Trust me, I keep count.”

Another manifestation is seen in his habit of talking to himself (TV: Listen, TV: Mummy on the Orient Express, Prose: The Big Bang Generation)

A Connected symptom to compulsive thinking is his flashbacks and intrusive thoughts related to his trauma. (TV: Listen, TV: Prequel to The Magician's Apprentice, TV: Into The Forest of The night, & TV: Death in Heaven) An example is his reliving visually the experiences with Donna in TV: Fires of Pompeii when he is faced with the failure to keep Ashildr safe. This ends with him in a state of panic(TV: The Girl Who Died).

He describes seeing and hearing events from the Time War in TV: Zygon Inversion

“Doctor: I fought in a bigger war than you will ever know. I did worse things than you could ever imagine. And when I close my eyes I hear more screams than anyone could ever be able to count! And do you know what you do with all that pain?”

This is a pretty accurate description of flashbacks and intrusive thoughts. Another moment that references intrusive thoughts and flashbacks can be seen in TV: Extremis when The Doctor talks to Missy.

“Doctor: Memories are so much worse in the dark.”

Nightmares and Insomnia ( TV: Deep Breath, TV: Listen, TV: Zygon Inversion, TV: Heaven Sent, Prose: The Blood Cell, TV: Sleep No More, TV: Knock Knock, TV: Extremis)

The Doctor can show obsessive tendencies with the people who have traumatized him, (TV: Hell Bent, Comic: The Great Shopping Bill, TV: The Girl Who Died/The Woman Who Lives, TV: The Doctor Falls, TV: Into The Dalek)

There are very explicit incidents when we see Twelve have triggers (TV: Kill The Moon, TV: The Girl Who Died, TV: Eaters of Light, TV: Supremacy of The Cybermen) In Comic: The Great Shopping Bill The Doctor sees robots just shaped like Daleks and has a reaction of anger and getting into a fighting mindset. After what happened with Davros, The Doctor refuses to use his Sonic for a period of time instead of using his Sonic Shades. (TV: The Magician's Apprentice/The Witch's Familiar, continues through series 9) [losing the Sonic isn’t a good enough reason we know the TARDIS can make a new one quite fast.]

This overlaps with his intrusive thoughts and flashbacks obviously as they can be triggered. An example is when war is mentioned in Comic: Hyperion, we see The Doctor start listening wars he’s been a part of including Trenzalore.

The Doctor shows issues with dissociation, which we see The Doctor experience in other situations. (TV: Death in Heaven, TV: Extremis, TV: Empress of Mars, Comic: Fractures, Comic: The Wolves of Winter, Prose: The Blood Cell, TV: Before the Flood) It’s used very clearly as a protective measure in TV: Heaven Sent allowing him to go into his head to manage stress completely disconnecting from himself and having a distortion of his environment. We see him use dissociation this to ignore pain. (TV: Heaven Sent, Prose: The Blood Cell, TV: The Witch's Familiar, TV: Twice Upon a Time). He even loses time (TV: Into The Dalek, TV: Prequel to The Magician's Apprentice, TV: The Magician's Apprentice, TV: The Pilot)

The Doctor often experiences emotional shutdowns (TV: Time Heist, TV: Zygon Invasion/Zygon Inversion, TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood, TV: The Girl Who Died, TV: Death in Heaven, Comic: The Four Doctor) The interesting thing in TV: Thin Ice is we see this play out in how it’s often used, to allow himself to deal and make decisions. We know he can easily lose his temper but when the child dies and bill asks him about it he says

“Doctor: I have never had the luxury of outrage”

While we know this isn’t true, and we later see him sock a racist in the jaw, there is actually a difference. The Doctor has a sense of morality that is very strong, but it’s most important to get it done, for Twelve more than anyone else. I think we can tell that here he has to separate himself from what he feels to act. The Doctor can set himself in the mindset of a fight to finish what needs to be done, something that Bill who isn’t used to splitting from himself isn’t able to do. The Doctor, however, is in tune with grief and sentimentality, so it’s not a lack of ability.

Twelve disrupted belief system can be seen in The Doctor, something that has been an issue since at least the Eighth Doctor and commented on with both Ten and Eleven (Comic: The Boy With The Displace Smile, TV: Last Christmas, TV: Eaters of Light & TV: Heaven Sent). In Comic: The Wolves of Winter The Doctor’s belief becomes important in order to protect against the Haemovore he pulls on the memory of how much he cared for his companions and this works to push over the edge of emotions.

In TV: Into The Dalek, we see that the belief he carries generally like his view of himself is set into his trauma,

“Clara: It's the look you get when I'm about to slap you.

Doctor: Ow. Clara.

Clara: Are we going to die in here? I mean, there's a little bit of you that's pleased. The Daleks are evil after all. Everything makes sense. The Doctor is right.”

In TV: Hell Bent Ohila notes that the moral system and solid foundations will fall apart when his emotions become too much.

“Ohila: You have gone too far. You have broken every code you ever lived by.

Doctor: After all this time, after everything I've done, don't you think the universe owes me this?

Ohila: Owes you what? All you're doing is giving her hope.

Doctor: Since when is hope a bad thing?

Ohila: Hope is a terrible thing on the scaffold.”

Twelve struggles with having a cohesive sense of self and identity this is closely intertwined with the dissociation. The main way this shows is the way he describes The Doctor as a separate construct not truly tied to him. (TV: Flatline, TV: Dark Water/Death in Heaven, Comic: Terrorformer, Comic: The Swords of Kali, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: Thin Ice, TV: World Enough and Time, & TV: Twice Upon A Time). In TV: The Witch’s Familiar this is commented on in a conversation between Davros and The Doctor, how the concept is something the person can never live up to, a severe split of self.

“Davros: Why do you hesitate? No one would know. Clara Oswald is dead. Is this the conscience of The Doctor, or his shame? The shame that brought you here.

Doctor: There's no such thing as The Doctor. I'm just a bloke in a box, telling stories. And I didn't come here because I'm ashamed. A bit of shame never hurt anyone. I came because you're sick and you asked. And because sometimes, on a good day, if I try very hard, I'm not some old Time Lord who ran away. I'm The Doctor.”

We see this in the reverse in TV: Face The Raven where he rejects the label when his actions are made out of anger, resentment and pain. A split idea of who he is and who he ought to be

“Ashildr: You can't.

Doctor: I can do whatever the hell I like. You've read the stories. You know who I am. And in all of that time, did you ever hear anything about anyone who stopped me?

Ashildr: I know The Doctor. The Doctor would never

Doctor: The Doctor is no longer here! You are stuck with me. And I will end you, and everything you love.”

Clara, as she did with Eleven in TV: The Day of The Doctor, tries to get him to own the person she believes him to be.

“Clara: ...Don't let this change you. No, listen. Whatever happens next, wherever she is sending you, I know what you're capable of. You don't be a Warrior. Promise me. Be a Doctor.

Doctor: What's the point of being a Doctor if I can't cure you?

Clara: Heal yourself. You have to. You can't let this turn you into a monster. So, I'm not asking you for a promise, I'm giving you an order. You will not insult my memory. There will be no revenge. I will die, and no one else, here or anywhere, will suffer.”

This ties in with his anger, and his self-hatred, and often warranted guilt. This exchange has no convincing power to The Doctor,

“Doctor: What Clara said about not taking revenge. Do you know why she said that?

Ashildr: She was saving you.

Doctor: I was lost a long time ago. She was saving you. I'll do my best, but I strongly advise you to keep out of my way. You'll find that it's a very small universe when I'm angry with you.”

He takes her order in to not hurt Ashildr and Trap Street, but he doesn’t actually believe as Clara does that he can be “turned into a monster” or that this isn't who is, that anger he's capable of and what he has done are who is, an old Time Lord, a lost person, as much if not more so then The Doctor.

The Doctor tries to reconcile his identity issues in TV: Death in Heaven.

“Doctor: I really didn't know. I wasn't sure. You lose sight sometimes. Thank you! I am not a good man! I am not a bad man. I am not a hero. And I'm definitely not a president. And no, I'm not an officer. Do you know what I am? I am an idiot, with a box and a screwdriver. Just passing through, helping out, learning."

Though as examples of this can be seen in stories that happen after this episode we can see it was short lives epiphany.

As a part of identity construct The Doctor has a hero and god complex, this is also something that is warranted to some extent because of all they have done, but the good and bad having been done as The Doctor is part of why this identity is distant from the person (TV: Smile, TV: The Girl Who Died, TV: Under The Lake, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: Flatline, TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood, TV: Hell Bent, TV: The Waters of Light, TV: World Enough and Time/ The Doctor Falls/Twice Upon a Time)

In TV: Flatline when he has to combat the Boneless he has to make choices he actually struggles. This combines identity issues around The Doctor, with his hero/god complex, and the guilt over past actions.

“ Doctor: I tried to talk. I want you to remember that. I tried to reach out, I tried to understand you, but I think that you understand us perfectly.

And I think you just don't care. And I don't know whether you are here to invade, infiltrate or just replace us. I don't suppose it really matters now. You are monsters. That is the role you seem determined to play. So it seems I must play mine.

The man that stops the monsters. I'm sending you back to your own dimension. Who knows? Some of you may even survive the trip. And, if you do, remember this. You are not welcome here. This plane is protected. I am The Doctor. And I name you The Boneless. ”

An interesting arc connected to his trauma and identity issues through the story thread between the stories TV: Kill the Moon, TV: In The Forest of The Night, and TV: Thin Ice is about the authority he has over the earth and including his companions in this work.

First in TV: Kill The Moon we see The Doctor rejecting his connection to the earth and refusing to take the actions surrounding rather or not to kill the moon or not.

“Doctor: Listen, there are moments in every civilisation's history in which the whole path of that civilisation is decided. The whole future path. Whatever future humanity might have depends upon the choice that is made right here and right now. Now, you've got the tools to kill it. You made them. You brought them up here all on your own, with your own ingenuity. You don't need a Time Lord. Kill it. Or let it live. I can't make this decision for you.'

‘Doctor: Listen, we went to dinner in Berlin in 1937, right? We didn't nip out after pudding and kill Hitler. I've never killed Hitler. And you wouldn't expect me to kill Hitler. The future is no more malleable than the past...Sorry. Well, actually, no, I'm not sorry. It's time to take the stabilisers off your bike. It's your moon, womankind. It's your choice.”

Twelves rejecting his over who he really is makes him vacillate between being amazingly in control and shrewd and I think dreading to make decisions, and the more the decision has social aspects, like the effects of the choices of the moon and fallout he struggles to actually be the one. [This story is one I personally don’t know if he knew or not] He is focused on the control in a paradoxical fashion as he is both literally running from and trying to maintain it in the way he plays the conductor. Clara hates this, the largest fight they have stems from this,

“Clara: Oh, don't you ever tell me to mind my language. Don't you ever tell me to take the stabilisers off my bike. And don't you dare lump me in with the rest of all the little humans that you think are so tiny and silly and predictable. You walk our Earth, Doctor, you breathe our air. You make us your friend, and that is your moon too. And you can damn well help us when we need it."

Her comments about Earth being The Doctor’s home too, that the humans care for the earth, The Doctor meddles in the earth and therefore he has responsibilities to them. That he can’t play games with those who trust him.

The next time this arc comes up in earnest is in TV: In The Forest of The Night,

“Doctor: This is my world, too. I walk your earth, I breathe your air.

Clara: And on behalf of this world, you're very welcome. Now, go. Save the next one.”

In this story, The Doctor lets Clara know he heard her, and we can see he is no longer questioning his care for the earth and the personal nature of his responsibility to the humans, and his friends. He is still making executive decisions though.

In TV: Thin Ice we see The Doctor backtrack somewhat on being part of the earth, but he is willing to listen to others. I see it as part of The Doctor’s change in attitude being exhausted of making choices, but also knowing and being willing to do it anyway.

"Doctor: She might. It's a risk. So, what do you want to do, Bill?

Bill: We already know the answers. Why are you even asking?

Doctor: I don't know the answers. Only idiots know the answers. But if your future is built on the suffering of that creature, what's your future worth?

Bill: Why is it up to me?

Doctor: Because it can't be up to me. Your people, your planet. I serve at the pleasure of the human race, and right now, that's you. Give me an order. Not long till noon. I need an order."

Overall this exchange helps illustrate how he doesn't have a lot of linear change, more changing expressions of his earlier experiences and reacting to the changing circumstances of the struggles.

His issues with Soldiers connected to these identity issues and is a major component of his history of trauma with the Time War and Trenzalore. He’s never liked guns or using weapons and has a disparaging view of War for his whole existence as three commenting on military intelligence as a “contradiction in terms”.

This more complete rejection of soldiers doesn’t start to manifest until the Eighth Doctor. It’s interesting as by this point The Doctor is much more of a soldier than his older regenerations, The Brigadier being his best friend for the majority of his regenerations and still being a friend up till Eleven. As he became more willing to cross lines and someone who could command people to die for him he hates the concept. During the Time war however even as a soldier his contempt for the military stays being the People’s hero but someone the establishment doesn't like (TV: The Day of The Doctor, Prose: Engines of War, TV: Hell Bent).

The dislike of soldiers is most pronounced in the early part of Twelve's time (TV: Dark Water, TV: The Girl Who, Comic: The Hyperion Empire). In TV: Into The Dalek, he rejects Journey Blue coming with him explicitly because she’s a soldier,

“ Journey: Doctor. Take me with you.

Doctor: I think you're probably nice. Underneath it all, I think you're kind and you're definitely brave. I just wish you hadn't been a soldier.”

TV: The Caretaker is another story where this is front and centre. Explicitly stating his hatred of soldiers

"Doctor: I hate soldiers. Don't you hate soldiers?"

During the story, this conflict becomes entangled with his “duty of care” with Clara and control issues with Danny Pink. The Doctor immediately dislikes him as a retired soldier calling “PE” even when he’s a maths teacher, as an insult. Danny gets involved with his plans causing a rift by him breaking The Doctor’s control, and plan. It's directly discussed between The Doctor and Danny over their dual perceptions of the other as someone they view as antagonistic to their own selves.

“Danny: Now, Time Lords, do you salute those?

Doctor: Definitely not.

Danny: Ah. Sir!

Doctor: And you do not call me sir.

Danny: As you wish, sir. Absolutely, sir.

Doctor: And you can get out of my Tardis!

Danny: Immediately, sir.

Clara: Doctor, this is stupid, this is unfair.

Danny: One thing, Clara. I'm a soldier, guilty as charged. You see him? He's an officer.

Doctor: I am not an officer!

Danny: I'm the one who carries you out of the fire. He's the one who lights it.

Doctor: Out. Now.

Danny: Right away, sir. Straight now?

Doctor: Yes.

Danny: Am I dismissed?

Doctor: Yes, you are!

Danny: That's him. Look at him, right now. That's who he is.”

In TV: Death in Heaven this disagreement continues:

"Cyber-Danny: Clara, watch this. This is who The Doctor is. Watch the blood-soaked old general in action. I can't see properly, sir, because this needs activating. If you want to know what's coming, you have to switch it on. And didn't all of those beautiful speeches just disappear in the face of a tactical advantage? Sir.

Doctor: I need to know. I need to know.

Cyber-Danny: Yes. Yes, you do.

Clara: Give me the screwdriver.

Doctor: No.

Clara: Just do it, Doctor. Do as you are told.

Cyber-Danny: Typical officer. Got to keep those hands clean."

The dislike of soldiers as stated earlier rises in conjunction with their ability to think and act like one. Twelve very easily assumes a military footing, having the ability to act like a soldier and general when necessary. A very intimate understanding of violence follows him and the mindset can be triggered into the front. (Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death, TV: Death in Haven, TV: The Magician’s Apprentice, TV: Zygon Invasion/Zygon Invasion, TV: Hell Bent, & TV: The Eaters of Light)

A version of this can be seen in TV: The Girl Who Died, when the village falls under attack Clara tries to get him to help the people survive, The Doctor’s first response is to try and train them with weapons, something Clara points out he ought to know better. The interesting thing is that at this point that is Twelve’s fall back mode.

Twelve comments on this in TV: The Empress of Mars,

“Bill: You knew that would happen.

Doctor: Always been my problem.

Bill: What?

Doctor: Thinking like a warrior.”

This I think is a combination of the above-discussed issues of hypervigilance and traumatic identity formation but also implicit memories. Living in a war zone twice, and before those long periods of violence in other situations has taught him to think like this. If they don’t people they love, along with innocents will die.

He frames his life around being a battle, around fighting an endless war. In TV: Twice Upon a Time we see him refer to a long life as such;

“Doctor: A life this long, do you understand what it is? It's a battlefield, like this one, and it's empty. Because everyone else has fallen”

When he decides to regenerate he remarks on it by saying,

“Doctor: Time to leave the battlefield”

The Doctor struggles to handle not having some kind of stimulation of danger, often seeking out dangerous situations. A combined addiction to the violence even if he has a moral and personal disgust with war and wanton violence. (TV: Time Heist, Comic: Terrorformer, Comic: The Swords of Kali, Comic: Gangland, Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death, Comic: Playing House, Prose: Big Bang Generation, TV: Smile, TV: The Pilot, TV: Thing Ice. TV: Oxygen, & TV: World Enough and Time)

In Prose: Big Bang Generation he comments on this saying that it has gotten worse since his fourth incarnation, pointing out he wouldn’t be caught dead on a planet like Legion back then, nonetheless been going to the scariest part as The Doctor was currently doing. Pointing out that between age, desensitization and a growing reckless his behaviour has changed, the love of adventure maybe being more compulsive when taken in relation to other comments. He describes his agitation and impatience here as “itchy feet”.

In TV: Mummy on The Orient Express they comment on how they couldn’t have just have a normal

“Clara: You knew. You knew this was no relaxing break. You knew this was dangerous.

Doctor: I didn't know. I certainly hoped.”

And at a later point as Clara is trying to decide to stay or not they point out it’s an addictive tendency, something heavily related to BPD and C-PTSD

“Clara: I know it's scary and difficult, but do you love being the man making the impossible choice?

Doctor: Why would I?

Clara: Because it's what you do, all day, every day.

Doctor: It's my life.

Clara: Doesn't have to be. Is it like

Doctor: Like what?

Clara: An addiction?

Doctor: You can't really tell if something's an addiction till you try and give it up.

Clara: And you never have.

Doctor: Let me know how it goes.”

In TV: Heaven Sent when commenting on the construction of the confession dial/prison the captures made for him he reinforces this idea.

“ Doctor: It's a killer puzzle box designed to scare me to death, and I'm trapped inside it. Must be Christmas. ”

The Doctor can be impulsive ( TV: The Girl Who Died, TV: Smile, TV: Eaters of Light, TV: Thin Ice, TV: Husband of River Song, TV: Into The Dalek, Comic: Clara Oswald and The SChool of Death, Comic: Unearthly Things, Comic: Terror of the Cabinet Noir, Comic: The Lost Dimension, & Comic: Beneath the Waves)

The Doctor is often extremely reckless ( TV: The Magician's Apprentice, Comic: Terrorformer, TV: Under The Lake, Comic: GangLand, Comic: Fractures, TV: Husbands of River Song, Comic: The Twist, Prose: Big Bang Generation, TV: Smile, TV: Thin Ice, TV: The Lie of The Land, TV: Pyramid at The End of The World, TV: The Doctor Falls, Comic: Terror of the Cabinet Noir & Comic: The Lot Dimension)

This can get to a point where he is throwing himself into a situation where he could easily die in order to save others, or at least solve the problem (TV: Last Christmas, TV: Time Heist, TV: The Lie of The Land, Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death) An example id in TV: Time Hist in order to figure out what is going on and how to save the people left in the vault he allows the Teller to read his mind something they know often turns brains to “soup”. In TV: Mummy on The Orient Express The Doctor uses himself as bait to solve the puzzle allowing the ForeTold to lock on to him.

In TV: The Witch’s Familiar he uses his own regeneration energy to beat the Daleks and Davros, causing himself great pain and possibly affecting further versions of The Doctor. It also shows an increased sense of willingness to harm himself when he believes he’s lost, Clara. In a show of further escalation in personal disregard and tendency to cause himself harm these actions happen at an increased rate in his last season.

In TV: Oxygen The Doctor saves Bill by taking off his suit and giving it to her. This act leaves him harmed causing him to be blind, this effect was long-lasting and could have been permanent. During the period where this harm is left on him, in a semi-visible manner, and has a large effect on his well being. He tries to compensate but leaves him frustrated by the effects he caused himself.

Following this in TV: Extremis The Doctor again puts himself in a position to not only almost die, cause himself pain but be willing to put his future on the line.

“Doctor: The thing about the universe is, whatever you need, you can always borrow, as long as you pay it back. I just borrowed from my future. I get a few minutes of proper eyesight, but I lose something. Maybe all my future regenerations will be blind. Maybe I won't regenerate ever again. Maybe I'll drop dead in twenty minutes.”

This shows a lack of regard for any future versions of himself, not caring about planning forward. We know he is guarding missy but if she wanted to get out, it's pretty clear she would have, and Nardole is there to do so. Not to mention she is let out way earlier than the original promise was made for. Not caring or planning for a future is emblematic of depression, C-PTSD and BPD. With BPD part of it is lack of permanence of self and of emotions, something we see heavily with him.

The Doctor carries a profound sense of guilt, even after knowing he was able to keep Gallifrey from becoming completely destroyed we still use a heavyweight about what he has done and has failed to do that has hurt others. (Prose: The Blood Cell, TV: Death in Heaven, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: The Magician's Apprentice/ The Witch's Familiar, TV: Prequel to the magician's apprentice, TV: Thin Ice, TV: The Doctor Falls, TV: Twice Upon a Time) This is referenced in TV: Extremis:

“Angelo: Pope Benedict said that you were more in need of confession than any man breathing. But when the offer was made, you replied it would take too much time. On behalf of the Catholic Church, the offer stands. You seem like a man with regret on his mind.”

The guilt is referenced in Comic: Unearthly Things, when he is unable to save the monster he almost hurts himself doing so. After Clara pulls him back he says

“Doctor: I hope it wasn’t the last of its kind”

This references The Doctor’s own history of being the only one left something he later comments on in TV: The Lie of The Land calling Missy the ‘other of the last of the time lords’. He feels sadness over the idea of others not only facing the same fate but of being the one to end a people.

In TV: Before The Flood Clara references his guilt over all of the people around him over the years,

“Doctor: This isn't a potential future. This is the future now. It's already happened. The proof is right there in front of you. I have to die.

Clara: No. You can change things.

Doctor: I can't. Even the tiniest change, the ramifications could be catastrophic. It could spread carnage and chaos across the universe like ripples on a pond. Oh, well, I've had a good innings. This regeneration, it's a bit of a clerical error anyway. I've got to go some time.

Clara: Not with me! Die with whoever comes after me. You do not leave me.

Doctor: Clara, I need to talk to you just on your own. Listen to me. We all have to face death eventually, be it ours or someone else's.

Clara: I'm not ready yet. I don't want to think about that, not yet.

Doctor: I can't change what's already happened. There are rules.

Clara: So break them. And anyway, you owe me. You've made yourself essential to me. You've given me something else to, to be. And you can't do that and then die. It's not fair.

Doctor: Clara.

Clara: No. Doctor, I don't care about your rules or your bloody survivor's guilt. If you love me in any way, you'll come back. Doctor, are you?

Doctor: I can't save Moran or Pritchard.

Clara: No, but like you said, if you can, if you can find out why this is happening, maybe you can stop them killing anybody else, you can save us. And you can stop it happening to you.”

Connected to guilt are feelings of shame. In the series 9 opening two-parter TV: The Magicians Apprentice/The Witch’s Familiar this is a topic that is discussed. Ohila, Clara and Missy all point out that he looks shamed by the actions he took prior to this.

“Davros: Why do you hesitate? No one would know. Clara Oswald is dead. Is this the conscience of The Doctor, or his shame? The shame that brought you here.

Doctor: There's no such thing as The Doctor. I'm just a bloke in a box, telling stories. And I didn't come here because I'm ashamed. A bit of shame never hurt anyone.”

The Doctor is not ignoring or pretending that he doesn’t have anything to be ashamed of. I believe it is something that on its own would be healthy. Recognizing you’ve done wrong is a good thing, but when tied with his other problem and guilt that can cause harm.

Grief laid heavy over this Doctor which is tied to his guilt. (TV: Hell Bent, TV: The Husbands of River Song, TV: Doctor Mysterio, TV: The Woman Who Lives, TV: Last Christmas, TV: Hell Bent) In TV: The Girl Who Died this topic is discussed

“Doctor: I don't mean the war. I'll lose any war you like. I'm sick of losing people. Look at you, with your eyes, and your never giving up, and your anger, and your kindness. One day, the memory of that will hurt so much that I won't be able to breathe, and I'll do what I always do. I'll get in my box and I'll run and I'll run, in case all the pain ever catches up. And every place I go, it will be there.”

This discusses how grief plagues him and how it hangs as anxiety over him, and that he has spent years running away from pain but also that Twelve is extremely aware that it won’t ever really work.

In TV: Heaven Sent the feelings of grief are newly made, anger, sadness, fear, anxiety and sheer weight of the loss of Clara is as painful to him as the torture itself and how it just never ends.

“Doctor: It's funny, the day you lose someone isn't the worst. At least you've got something to do. It's all the days they stay dead.

Doctor: But I can remember, Clara. You don't understand, I can remember it all. Every time. And you'll still be gone. Whatever I do, you still won't be there.”

In Comic: The Four Doctors we see a version of The Doctor who lost his Clara earlier and was connected to a betrayal.

Gabby Narrating “[ The Doctor] He’s either turned his back on grief and self-doubt---or it’s consumed him completely ”

This Doctor is very similar to a version like The Time Lord Victorious Tenth Doctor, Late Era Eighth Doctor and most importantly we see that it is close to The Doctor we see in TV: Hell Bent. This Doctor took control of another planet like TV: Hell Bent he took control, and revenge over Galifrey. It differs however from season 10 Twelve who see the consumption is more tied with the hopeless and fatigue feelings, unlike this version who fell into grasping for control and anger.

The Doctor is very lonely this idea is something that has been established as following him from his childhood but has become even more prominent as time goes one. This is deeply tied to the grief, his age, depression and traumatic haze that follows him makes even the people he latches on to feels removed. (Prose: Bing Bang Generation, TV: In The Forest of The Night, TV: The Girl Who Died/The Woman Who Lived, TV: The Return of Doctor Mysterio, TV: Twice Upon A Time, & Comic: The Twist)

This concept is extremely important in Comic: The Boy With The Displaced Smile, the story is about a scared and lonely child being used by a space parasite. The Doctor and the woman he teams up with here are able to help through empathy and understanding of the child. The Doctor comments on how to help him, and the others notice this comes from experience. This shows The Doctor as lonely and sad, and still very much carrying this out of time wounded part in him.

This is referenced in TV: Face The Raven,

“Clara: You. Now, you listen to me. You're going to be alone now, and you're very bad at that. You're going to be furious and you're going to be sad, but listen to me.”

Noting he can’t handle being alone, that he needs people to be able to regulate, this invokes the topic of Co-regulation. The Doctor has difficulties with regulation and his behavioural management becomes more reckless when alone I think that the idea of lacking self-regulation and often needing outside influence is applicable.

In Comic: Relative Dimensions The Doctor faces the Celestial Toymaker again who’s pocket dimension is slowly falling apart. At this point, the Celestial Toymaker is afraid to join with the normal universe. They use the TARDIS to form him a new sealed off toy room, and The Doctor leaves him to continue playing without any push back.

“Doctor: I had to help him, Clara. Can you understand?

Clara: Let me see-- A lonely god drifting through time and space in his magic toy box? Yeah, I understand Doctor. All Too Well.”

The Doctor has depression, this is something clear in this Doctor. (TV: Listen, TV: Into The Dalek, TV: Dark Water/Death In Heaven, TV: Eaters of Light, TV: World Enough and Time/The Doctor Falls, TV: Heaven Sent/Hell Bent, Comic: The Boy with The Displaced Smile, TV: Twice Upon A Time)

He experiences hopelessness tied in with some catastrophization,(TV: Heaven Sent, TV: The Girl Who Died/The Woman Who Lived, TV: Eaters of Light, Comic: The Four Doctor, TV: The Doctor Falls, TV: Twice Upon A Time)

In TV: Last Christmas we see comments on this and general depression,

“Clara: Well, look at you, all happy. That's rare.

Doctor: Do you know what's rarer? Second chances. I never get a second chance, so what happened this time? Don't even know who to thank.”

The Doctor has an extremely poor self-image and it’s a sign of PTSD and depression. (TV: Last Christmas, TV: The Witch's Familiar, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: Hell Bent, TV: Twice Upon A Time) In TV: Time Heist one clue that helps him work out the architect, who is The Doctor, is that he hates him.

“Doctor: I hate him. He's overbearing, he's manipulative, he likes to think that he's very clever. I hate him! Clara, don't you see?”

This shows that he just literally hates himself. It’s in very clear terms. In TV: Flatline The Doctor admits that Clara was very good at playing Doctor, but tells her that goodness is antithetical to being like him. Showing that he has trouble seeing himself and his actions as something good.

“Doctor: You were an exceptional Doctor, Clara.

Clara: Thank you.

Doctor: Goodness had nothing to do with it.”

In TV: Dark Water The Doctor is talking to Clara after she betrays him

“Clara: I don't deserve a friend like you.

Doctor: Clara, I'm terribly sorry, but I'm exactly what you deserve.”

This notes that he thinks that he is equally as hurtful as she was to him. Reflecting his poor estimation of who he is.

The Doctor has intense fatigue that permeates his Twelfth regeneration (TV: The Eaters of Light, TV: The Witch’s Familiar, TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood, TV: The Doctor Falls/Twice Upon A Time).

In TV: The Girl Who Died The Doctor has a wave of exhaustion come over him when he realises he didn’t save Ashildr. He sighs harshly and sags visibly.

“Doctor: Yeah. I plugged her into the machine. Used her up like a battery. (sighs) I'm so sick of losing.

Clara: You didn't lose. You saved the town.

Doctor: Yeah. I plugged her into the machine. Used her up like a battery. (sighs) I'm so sick of losing”

We see these feelings crop up again in TV: Heaven Sent

“Doctor: Can't I just sleep?

Blackboard: Question 2. What did you say that made the creature stop?

Doctor: Do I have to know everything?

Blackboard: How are you going to Win??”

Doctor: Clara, I can't always”

And later

“Doctor: Can't I just lose? Just this once?

Doctor; Easy. It would be easy. It would be so easy. Just tell them. Just tell them, whoever wants to know, all about the Hybrid.

Doctor: I can't keep doing this. I can't! I can't always do this! It's not fair! Clara, it's just not fair! Why can't I just lose?”

Connected to this is and recklessness is that near the end of season 10 we pass the behaviour of being willing to get injured to actions that border more on suicidal actions ending with outright suicidal actions.

The Start of the most extreme actions is in TV: The Lie of The Land he uses up regeneration energy in a show of disregard for his possible future, but even more so tries to burn out his own brain, in a last-ditch attempt that likely won’t work to save other people. There were also alternatives to this, one, of course, would result in bills death, but it turned out it could be done without even putting himself in harm. This like the previous discussion of recklessness is self-harm directly and breaching into suicide.

Following this in TV: The Eaters of Light we see Twelve try and die again, while yes someone was going to lose his life, he would be in agony for many years longer than any other of them. There is no way he could have survived this action.

This culminated in TV: The Doctor Falls and TV: Twice Upon a Time where he refuses to regenerate. Refusing to regenerate is a Time Lord equivalent of suicide, as it is ending a life voluntarily. In TV: The Doctor Falls we also see him hold himself in the painful state of suspended regeneration and only putting it off in order to be kind. It ends with him trying to accept death by the cybermen and then refusing and yelling no trying to stop it from happening.

This refusal to regenerate becomes a crucial plot point in TV: Twice Upon A Time. The First Doctor is refusing to regenerate out of fear and Twelve is exhausted. Near the end Twelve discusses this, admitting to Nardole that he does want to die to due to the pain of his memories and grief.

“Nardole: Don't die. Because if you do, I think everybody in the universe might just go cold.

Doctor: Can't I ever have peace? Can't I rest?

Bill: Of course you can.

Nardole: It's your choice.

Bill: Only yours.

Nardole: We understand.

Doctor: No. No, you don't. You're not even really here. You're just memories held in glass. Do you know how many of you I could fill? I would shatter you. My testimony would shatter all of you. A life this long, do you understand what it is? It's a battlefield, like this one, and it's empty. Because everyone else has fallen. Thank you. Thank you both, for everything that you were to me. What happens now, where I go now, it has be alone.”

When at the end of this he does regenerate, this exchange and much of The Doctor’s action shows how suicidal Twelve became near the end. This also echoes sentiments from TV: Heaven Sent & TV: The Girl Who Died. These sentiments and suicidality are textbook depression, BPD & C-PTSD. It shows loneliness, fatigue, guilt, grief, memories, isolation, feelings of emptiness and attachment struggles.

A topic connected to this I find discussed often when people analysis the New Who Doctor’s, especially when talking about the thirteenth Doctor, placing Twelve as someone who has a linear path toward healing from grief and trauma. This point of view is usually framed as the stages of grief, so the thinking is this: Nine represents denial, Ten anger, Eleven bargaining, Twelve depression And ending with Thirteen as acceptance

I find this analysis to be deeply over-simplistic. [I've talked about it a few times on my Tumblr.] That analysis ignores much of The Doctor as a whole and has a frustratingly terrible understanding of trauma.

It only cares about the new who Doctors, even excluding the ones who participated in the time war which it purports to be analysing The Doctor as having mostly healed from through Twelves arc culmination in Thirteen being removed from the trauma and loss completely. But The Eighth Doctor and War Doctor both participated in the time war and had differing reactions to the trauma. It excludes that Nine had a lot of depressed and angry feelings, it would have Ten only be anger but we see textbook bargaining in Ten and also heaps of denial lying to Martha, Eleven is deeply angry and depressed. While I agree Twelve suffers from depression he has anger, and his depression engulfs him at the end meaning the transition from that depression is confusing just as ten’s anger is eating at him.

Legitimately healing would mean that the steps towards acceptance wouldn’t be the things getting worse for most. Even if you think it’s allegory then I wonder why Eleven wouldn’t have bargaining as something prevalent as the main characteristic seen by many.

The next part of this is that people seem to be seeing The Time War as the only important trauma and grief Twelve is dealing with. This is reductive, likely part of people who see war as the only thing that can cause PTSD. I have discussed before that trauma starts building up with the first Doctor, The Doctor is classic complex trauma. But for this specific section, we are focused on the traumatic experience that happens close to his regeneration and during it.

As I discussed before Trenzalore is a war that Twelve experienced directly before he began, something that would explain the heightened distaste for soldiers and war Twelve has even more so than elven. Which shows to me that Twelve along with having just differing reactions it’s likely something retraumatized him in a similar manner.

The episodes of extreme injury The Doctor suffered are enough to trauma on their own. Examples include having his energy sucked (TV: The Witch’s Familiar), being in the vacuum of space and going blind (TV: Oxygen), and Burning his brain up twice (TV: Extremis/Pyramid at The End of The World/Lie of The Land).

Many traumas are experienced directly by Twelve. The standout experience is during TV: Heaven Sent. Twelves experience four and a half billion years of torture. This is done by his own people, people whom he saved and spent years wanting back and looking for. They hurt his friend in this process as well, the pain this causes most have been deeply traumatic. Another part of this is that The Doctor stayed in this torture chamber and let himself be hurt over and over when as he comments he could have given in. It’s a willingness to experience extreme pain, to try and retain some control, and possibly save Clara. But as Clara says in TV: Hell Bent she was dead and this in and of itself was trauma, combined with the guilt of having harmed others through it.

The loss of his friends and the way it’s tied to his own choices is traumatic as well. (TV: Face The Rave, TV: World Enough and Time/The Doctor Falls). River Song is also seen for the last time in The Doctor’s timeline here which is another loss and could be re-traumatizing from experience dating back to Tenth Doctor. (TV: Husbands of River Song)

Seeing all this shows that The Doctor is still experiencing Complex-Trauma and this happens on top of his already existing C-PTSD. The perception he is healing or starting to accept can also be seen as him having “the most” PTSD whereas I also disagree with this, he just has another way of showing his PTSD as well as BPD.

Lastly in the subject of I think common views on him being near healing is saying that his regeneration is one of accepting and wanting to move forward.

Usually, people who hold this viewpoint at his ending message to the next Doctor;

“Doctor: You wait a moment, Doctor. Let's get it right. I've got a few things to say to you. Basic stuff first. Never be cruel, never be cowardly, and never, ever eat pears! Remember, hate is always foolish. and love is always wise. Always try to be nice, but never fail to be kind... Argh! But nobody else. Nobody else, ever. Laugh hard, run fast, be kind. Doctor, I let you go.”

But I think pulling only this last part misses much of regeneration story,

First paying attention to the pieces of dialogue I noted before when talked over fatigue, grief and suicidal ideation,

“Nardole: Don't die. Because if you do, I think everybody in the universe might just go cold.

Doctor: Can't I ever have peace? Can't I rest? ”

Then right before the speech to thirteen, when he actually finally chooses to regenerate it’s not a moment of acceptance at all.

“Doctor: Oh, there it is. The silly old universe. The more I save it, the more it needs saving. It's a treadmill.

TARDIS: beeps, flashes and burbles

Doctor: Yes, yes, I know. They'll get it all wrong without me. I suppose one more lifetime wouldn't kill anyone. Well, except me.”

What I think this actually shows that when he regenerates he is doing it out of obligation to protect the universe. He is literally choosing to regenerate because “They'll get it all wrong without me”. When he says “Doctor I let you go” I don't believe it’s necessarily a statement of hope and healing, but more part of the Identity Construction of The Doctor being apart from him, and yes passing the torch, but the torch of being there for the universe for others.

Choosing to continue living out of obligation to others, even if in reality he just wants to die as he is, as himself. Even within the story as I’ve talked about there are more accepting regenerations. The Third, Fourth, Ninth and Eleventh Doctor’s are all more accepting of the change. Twelve himself’s more honest version he presents of who he is and what he’s been through could be connected to a Doctor who had to stay in the wake of his actions.

Overall Twelve displays a great deal of struggle with mental health, Flashbacks, Hyperarousal, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, obsessive thoughts, fatigue, unstable beliefs, constructed identity, traumatic implicit programming, agitation, recklessness, attachment issues, enmeshment, low self-confidence, self-injury and suicidal ideation. This regeneration has a gruff and more honest projection of himself and is more honest about his own difficulties, with Clara mostly. This Doctor is interesting as someone who lives in the wake of some of the lowest actions of Eleventh regeneration as well as the highest moment of saving Gallifrey.

Using the lens of trauma I believe we can get a lot of insight into Twelve's character and help understand this character who is often viewed in a reductionist manner.

[Also Posted on my Archive of Our Own page in a series with the other doctor study posts]

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lettersofwrittencollective · 6 years

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The Pull (5/?)

Summary: The Ragnulf’s are one of the oldest lines of werewolves known. A gift from ancient times was given to the line. Though not all of the line will experience it. There are some who will experience a Pull. This Pull leads them to their true mate, a soulmate. The problem is, just because the wolf finds their true mate does not mean that they are the same for that person.

Author: @lettersofwrittencollective

Pairing: Stiles x Hale!Cousin OC (Reader)

Word Count: 3461

Warnings: Angst, Some friendly fluff

As always, let me know what you think. Questions, comments, concerns.. the whole 9 yards are welcome! You can either send me a message orleave a note in the comments :)

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It’s a couple days later and Peter and Derek were both gone. You were beginning to worry but you weren’t sure who you could reach out to you. If you told your dad, he would be pissed and who knew what he would do. You make the decision to not tell him anything, though you are going to tell Isaac. If you haven’t heard from either one by next week you’d tell your dad.

Sitting on your bed, you pulled open your laptop and sipped on your coffee. The last few nights had been sleepless. The terrors were back but you hadn’t said a word to Isaac. Allison’s visions had been getting worse and you didn’t want him to feel like he had to pick between either of you. So, you’re on the second cup this morning. The coffee was stronger and you’d even started drinking it black. As you sipped, your screen lit up and you smiled as you accepted the incoming video call. As the picture transforms, you can’t help the smile that stretches across your face, it was so good to see him again. “Hi Daddy!”

It had only been a week since you had las talked to them but since the bond had muted, it made the week feel exponentially longer. So, you had spent the morning talking to your dad and your brothers. Everyone sent their love and you asked your dad some questions about The Pull before he got off the line.

It’s after the conversation with your dad that you decide to talk to Isaac. You’re going to tell him about The Pull and why it is that you’re in Beacon, to begin with. Sending your new friend a text, the two of you arrange to meet at the McCall house for a late lunch.

You’re nervous when you pull up to the McCall house. You know that what you’re going to say sounds kind of crazy to anyone who doesn’t know your family or their story. Thankfully, though, Scott's bike is gone and it seems like Isaac\ is the only one at the house right now. Isaac opened the door for you and you both made your way to the living room and just like that first night, you sit in the corner of the larger couch. This time, you tuck your legs under your chin, making yourself as small as possible.

Isaac sits on the other couch in the living room and watches you. Whatever it is you want to talk to him about can’t be good if you're trying to shrink in front of his eyes. He decides not to say anything just yet, figuring that you’ll start talking about whatever you wanted to talk about when you’re ready. All you had said was that it’s important.

The silence that falls between the two of you is not uncomfortable though it is heavy. You’re debating the best way to start this conversation when you figure it’s easier to just start off with what he knows, so taking a deep breath you jump in “What did Derek tell you? About why I’m here.”

Isaac looks a little sheepish but says “That you’re being pulled here. Pulled here to meet someone. He said it started before the whole Nemeton thing and that the further from this person you are, the more pain you’re in…”

Isaac is silent for a moment and then, after a beat, he continues “He also said that if you don’t find this person, that things can get really ugly.”

The chuckle that escapes your lips is a bitter one. You aren’t at all surprised that Derek shared what he did. Though you are surprised that he has any inkling about things getting bad. That was always something that your family hid from the world, you’d have to make sure to clarify with Isaac.

“Isaac, what do you know about soul mates?”

“Aren’t they supposed to be your other half? Someone that completes - wait a second. Are - are you saying that you have a soulmate? Here? In Beacon Hills?” There’s an excited spark in his eyes as he talks and you shake your head and scoff.

“That’s a load of shit.” at your vehement response Isaac begins to speak but you lift your hand, indicating for him to remain silent, “Just, let me explain, okay?”

He nods and you continue “A soulmate is well i don’t know that I’ll get this right but I’ll get as close as I can. A soulmate is someone who you can trust unconditionally. Someone who brings out the best in you and pushes you to your strongest. When you accept your soulmate, you will do EVERYTHING you can to protect them. Your entire world revolves around them and what they need of you.

Most people tend to think of soulmates as as paris. Person A belongs to Person B and vice versa. Well the curse in my family is that that formula doesn’t work. Person A belongs to Person B but Person B has to choose to be with Person A. There’s a connection there, but Person B can always fall in love with someone else.”

“How’s that possible?”

“There has to be a balance in the world. Natural and supernatural. So when all this came about, a very powerful goddess, Themis I think, made it so that there was still an option to chose.”

“But what about you being in pain?”

“The pain is supposed to be a reminder, that the person we’re pulled to is a precious gift that needs to be cherished and protected. When you run from it, my dad says, you’re condemning not only yourself but them as well. If you never meet them, then how can they choose you? It’s not a very pleasant thought, so we’re more likely to go find them. Some people, though, will still run. The further you go, the worse the pain is. You can escape it for a little while by transitioning into your wolf. The wolf can handle more pain than the human body. The thing is, the wolf is more likely to search for their soulmate. The instinct there more primal.”

You have so much more to say but you stay silent for a few moments. Isaac digests your words and the words that Derek says before he gets up and asks “Did you run?” as he crosses to sit on the opposite end of the couch you were on.

Looking at him you tilt your head as you think about it. Averting your gaze you shrug, “Kind of? I grew up knowing that this was a possibility. There was no guarantee I’d experience The Pull but my dad did - and .. my Tia Clara.” Isaac doesn’t miss the catch in your voice,” So, I knew what it meant when the pack bonds went silent.

My dad was shocked because it presented so much earlier than normal. But he’s always wanted the best for me. Somehow, my dad was able to get a hold of a bunch of Alpha’s and made up some reason for them to be okay with us coming into their territories. The pain started almost immediately and so I had to learn to control the shift. I swear I have spent more time in my fur than I have my skin the last few months. Eventually, one of my brothers made the joke that I should come here. I thought he was insane.. Well more insane than usual, but my dad thought it was a good idea. The closer that we got, the more manageable the pain got. Now days it’s mostly just an ache like I hit too much weight at the gym.”

“But why didn’t your brother or dad come with you?”

“Brothers. And they were going to but then my Tia came back. You see - she’s the reason I think this thing’s a curse. Clara had a soulmate and her soulmate picked someone else.” Your eye closed as you got lost in memories of happier times in the past. Isaac could tell you had more to to say and that it was going to be hard, so he wrapped his arms around you and waited for you to continue. It took a moment and tears were pooling in your eyes “The human part of us can explain away rejection. Can explain away a broken heart through reasoning, no matter how faulty. But the Wolf - the Wolf isn’t capable of understanding a broken heart. They mate for life and so when their soulmate rejects them, there is no one else for them. Wolves are social creatures and the Pack bonds we make are what keep us sane in the long run. When we are pulled to our soulmate, the Pack Bond gets muted. A Wolf with their soulmate, can re-establish the Pack Bonds. The Soulmate becomes the anchor.. Without that, the bonds have no chance and will fade away. Being alone and unable to create a bond, the Wolf will eventually lose their mind and go feral. When that happens, they lose themselves and both the human and the Wolf are bloodthirst, nothing and no one is safe from them. My family had a choice, put her down or let the hunters catch her.” By the end, there’s tears running down your face but your voice has not broken but Isaac knows exactly what happened.

“I’m sorry for dropping all of this on you,” you whisper to him.

He snorts softly and you feel him shake his head before he says, “Natasha, the only issue here is that I’m not your soulmate,” and he sounds so offended that you move away from him quickly, a horrified gasp leaving your lips. You didn’t realize that he saw you that way. You were so sure that Allision - you see the smirk on his face and relief floods you.

“You’re an ass,” you scold as you smack his chest and a chuckle escapes your lips. The mood in the room becomes lighter.

“How did you know?”

“I wasn’t actually sure but I asked my dad about it. He said that with the amount of time we’ve spent together and the fact that you can’t pull me from the nightmares and the way I talk about you, it’s more like your one of those two idiots than a mate. He said I would have known if it was you by now.”

“Well you have another brother now.”

You smile at the boy who has become a close friend and hug him tightly for a moment before leaning back against the couch, head facing the ceiling. “So now that we’ve done hard, serious, gross, conversation about why I’m here- can we PLEASE change gears?”

Isaac laughs with you and the two of you spend the rest of the afternoon watching movies. He picked the first one but you got pick the second. You’re almost done with Return of the Jedi when the door slams open.

Scott comes into the house and looks like he is going to murder someone.

“Scott…” you call softly, trying to pull his attention to you.

It takes him a moment but he looks at you then Isaa before a curt greeting escapes his lips. “Hey Isaac… Natasha….”

Scott is muttering under his breath and pacing in the living room. The movie long forgotten you and Isaac just watch the disgruntled man in front of you. You were about to ask him what was going on when the back door opened and a taller man in a suit walked in, he stopped and greeted Scott then Isaac, his eyes fell on you and you were about to introduce yourself when Scott practically growled your name. At first, you thought he was growling at you but when you looked at him you noticed that his eyes were locked on the new man.

“Guys, can you give us a minute?” Scott asked and Isaac nodded. You followed him upstairs and could hear Scott arguing with the guy. Apparently this was Scott’s dad. You hadn’t known he was in the picture. Of course, you didn’t know much about the guy.

The two were arguing back and forth about the Sheriff of the town. If you remembered what Isaac told you, correctly, then this meant that the guy was trying to hurt Stiles. That and him pissing off Scott, your instinct is to dislike the man.

As the two continue to argue, you begin to tune them out. Their words get muddied and you can feel yourself fighting for control. Before you’ve fully realized it, your fangs have elongated and your claws lengthen. You’re tempted to take a swipe at Isaac. Isaac has taken notice and is calling your name, you turn to him a your eyes flash and you snarl at him, he puts his hands up and stays still.

As you continue to snarl at him, a woman's voice breaks into the fog “..be your own anchor.” That’s right, you are the one in control. It takes a moment but you’re able to retract your claws and a groan escapes your lips as you clench your fists and through gritted teeth you begin the chant to center yourself “We are the sum of the heart, the mind, the instinct… We are the sum of the heart, the mind, the instinct… We are the sum of the heart, the mind, the instinct…” you repeat the mantra through gritted teeth and, slowly, your breathing returns to normal. Your eyes return to their normal color and your heart rate evens out.

“They’re purple?”

“And sometimes they’re blue.. Before you ask, I have no idea why..”

“What was that?”

“I don’t know, it was just listening to them arguing and - that guy’s a real piece of shit! It’s not the sheriffs fault that the supernatural world seems to be a little more murderous around here! But it was just like.. The more that he talked the more angry i became and I wanted to really go rip his throat out. I couldn’t stop the anger…”

“Well… that’s comforting.”

You were about to respond when there was a knock on Isaacs door and suddenly Scott was barging in. “Get dressed you two...we’re going out..”

Suddenly there’s a woman behind him and she puts both hands on Scotts shoulders “Oh no you’re not. Well, not all of you. Isaac has homework he has to get caught up on. I got a call from the school mister, you’re failing English.” She seems to finally notice you and looks confused. “I’m sorry, who are you?”

“Umm.. I’m Natasha... A friend of Isaacs.”

The woman looks at Isaac then you then scott. She merely nods her head. “Well it’s nice to meet yoNatasha. I’m Melissa.”

“I’m sure it’ll be a pleasure, ma’am.”

She motions for Isaac to sit back down. Scott kisses his mothers cheek and leaves the room. You think about heading back to the loft but quickly realize that you need to make friends with Scott if you’re going to be spending time in Beacon Hills. Saying a quick goodbye, you run out and catch Scott as he’s getting on his bike. “Where we going?”

His eyes scrutinize you but it’s not long before he nods his head. “Stiles’ place. We need to get him first.”

Nodding your head, you start up your own bike and follow him to the house. There’s something about the house that seems familiar though you’re sure that you’ve never been here before. Scott tells you to wait for him and while you do, you’re trying to figure out what it is about the house that seems so familiar. It’s a few minutes later when Scott comes back out of the house with Stiles directly behind him.

Stiles eyes fall on you, “Wait, why are you here?”

“I can help.”

“We don’t know that”

“Look, you’re going out in the middle of the night in a town that has been riddled with murders. I would say having two werewolves around is better than one. And if it makes you feel better, Stiles, I won’t leave your side. That way you can make sure I’m not trying to do anything.” You’re voice is kind of sarcastic and you know that you’re being a bit of a jerk but you’re not sure why Stiles seems to dislike you so much and why it bothers you.

It takes Scott and Stiles arguing in hushed whispers that you pretend not to hear but Stiles agrees and you follow them to Stiles car. It was the blue jeep you had seen in the parking lot at school.

Stiles drives and you can tell that Stiles wants to continue to grill you but he seems to setting for drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. Scott is pulling up directions on his phone and giving them to Stiles so you’re just awkwardly sitting in the back seat. When you get to whatever place they were looking for, you all pile out of the car and the glint of moonlight catches your eye, but you pay it no mind.

You’re following the boys through the woods when Stiles speaks up, “You know, if my dad’s right, that means there’s another werewolf in town that we haven’t met yet.”

“I know.”

“And if it turns out to be something like triplets that form into like, a three-headed hound of hell, I’m seriously not up for that.”

Scott answers in the affirmative and talks about the problem with controlling his shift.

“Guys,” you say and they turn to look at you, “First, there’s plenty of supernatural creatures in the area you haven’t met. Though it’s not likely to be a wolf, their much too territorial to have not challenged you.

Also, Cerberus hasn’t been let out of Hades in a few millenium, if he’s here - you’ve got bigger issues than a dead body.”

The boys fall silent and you continue through your trek in the woods. The silence is cut by a coyote's howl. You jump and Stiles manages to knock Scott’s phone out of his hands.

Apologizing, he says “I hate coyotes, so much. They always sound like they’re mauling some helpless little animal.” You don’t disagree with his description of the sound and Scott goes to get his phone.

While the two of them are dealing with Scotts phone, you walk ahead, passing some boulders and stumble upon something that shouldn’t be there. “Hey guys… I think I found the crash site.” Stiles grabs the flashlight from Scotts hand and you all make your way around the crash. Stiles is the first one to notice the claw marks.

There had been a were here. Scott and Stiles are convinced it’s a werewolf but, unless they were just traveling through, your not so sure. The Hale family would have hunted down a wolf who had caused this if they had. Taking a deep breath, you realize there’s a scent coming closer and suddenly there’s a low growling.

There’s a coyote growling at your group. Scott takes off after the wolf and you go to follow but hear Stiles calling after him. Remembering you had promised to stay you stop and turn around. At his questioning look you raise an eyebrow at him before reminding him “Staying by your side so you can keep an eye on me, remember?”

He seems surprised but nods his head.

It’s silent between the two of you as his eyes remained trained on you. At first, you try to ignore it but as the silence stretches, you realize that there is no avoiding him. Turning towards him, you raise your hands, palms upwards, questioning what he has against you.

“What do you think I’m here to do?”

“Something.. I don’t know what but it’s something.”

“Stiles” you begin, you can’t tell him everything but you can give him something. “I promise you, on Odin, on … Xolotl, hell on Themis herself, that I am not here to cause any harm.”

“Wait who?”

“Odin- Norse god of wisdom, poetry, war, death, magic, divination… He was fond of ravens and wolves.

Xolotl, the canine brother of Quetzalcoatl, god of us supposed monsters…

Themis, goddess of justice…”

“No, I know who they are… well two of them, but why promise on them?”

“You do realize that they’re all real? All the old gods and goddesses exsted and their gifts and curses are still here.. They mean something to my family.”

“Wait so -”

There’s a cracking branch and suddenly Scotts sliding to a stop between you and Stiles. His voice is filled with shocked awe when he calls out “It’s Malia!”

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tag list: @nicole-lynne @fandom-princess-forevermore @capandbuck

Do not copy and paste my writing anywhere without my consent. This work is the property of lettersofwrittencollective . Associated characters belong to MTV and are being borrowed for this work, all OC’s are the property of lettersofwrittencollective. These works contain material protected under International and Federal Copyright Laws and Treaties. Any unauthorized reprint or use of this material is prohibited. No part of these works may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without express written permission from the author/publisher.

Posted10 March 2019

#Teen Wolf #stiles stilinski #Stiles x reader #reader insert #stilinski #Stiles Stilinkski #stiles stilinksi x reader #stiles imagine #stiles stilinksi imagine #The Pull #My Writing #Series

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thesilverheroineproject · 5 years

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7 ‘strong’ women: writing better female characters

Bridget at Now Novel

Gone are the days where female characters in novels tended to be simpering, dependent and virtual cardboard cutouts. To celebrate the strong – but also the not-so-strong, the complex and vivid – women in fiction, this week we’re talking about 7 great females characters and what they can teach you about better character writing.

However, before examining the character development of strong female characters, it’s important to define what is meant by a strong female character. Writers have grappled with this definition and cautioned that it is important to allow a strong female characters to have weaknesses. Developing a strong female character doesn’t simply mean creating a protagonist who defies prescriptive gender expectations. It means developing a character who is well-rounded and real. Most importantly, perhaps, a strong female character is one who acts rather than one who is acted upon by societal and other pressures that revolve around her sex or gender.

The female characters below all exemplify good character development:

Writing characters who have a strong sense of self: Charlotte Bronte’s Jane Eyre

We can reach back to the classics for one of the novel’s earliest strong female characters. Jane Eyre survives an abusive childhood, first in the home of the family charged with caring for her and later at a boarding school, only to find herself working for a man who has his own complex and disturbing relationship to women [no spoilers here].

One of the most remarkable aspects of Jane as a character is that she is, in one sense, a victim of circumstance, of the time and place into which she is born and her station in life, and yet despite that she seizes agency and makes her own choices even when those choices are very limited. This begins with her rebellion against her cruel relatives, continues in her care for her fellow students in the abusive boarding school and culminates in her rejection of Mr. Rochester.

A lesser writer than Charlotte Bronte might have written a similar book in which the same series of incidents unfolded and showed Jane as passive in the face of those incidents. Yet it is her resilience, her determination in the face of suffering and her own sense of self that stands out in this novel. The lesson from Jane Eyre is that your character will be engaging and interesting if she has the agency to choose her response to things even when that response changes little or makes the situation worse, as is often the case for Jane.

Other strong female characters also find a way to thrive in gender-regulated societies:

Isabel Allende’s generations of vibrant women

Critics have described Chilean author Isabel Allende’s novel House of the Spirits as a kind of woman-centred companion or response to Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s One Hundred Years of Solitude, which foregrounds the historical experiences of mainly male characters. Allende’s novel examines the lives of women amid upheaval wrought by men, but it is always the three generations of women that provide the vibrant core of the novel. Clara Trueba is the matriarach of the tale, but her daughter Blanca and granddaughter Alba are just as strong.

Unlike some of the other female characters discussed here, all three of the Trueba women are strong characters and strong women who defy oppressors in more traditional ways. However, their commitment to causes such as education and health care are shown to be ultimately more effective in securing change than the revolutions the men carry out.

The lesson from the Trueba women is that strong female characters do not necessarily have to refuse or abandon all characteristics or roles seen as traditionally ‘female’ or ‘feminine’. For these women, these roles actually turn out to be the most effective ways for them to remain strong and bear up under the suffering they endure.

The heroine’s journey: Lauren Olamina and Octavia Butler’s Parable novels

In her classic science fiction novels Parable of the Sower and Parable of the Talents, author Octavia Butler gave her character a disability. Because of a drug her mother took when she was pregnant, Lauren Olamina suffers from a condition known as hyperempathy in which she feels whatever a living thing near her is also feeling. However, in most other ways, Lauren’s character arc follows one that is traditionally depicted as predominantly male. She becomes a leader for her people and founds a new religion.

There has been some criticism of Joseph Campbell’s study of the hero’s journey as a distinctly male construct. Lauren’s character arc from a teenage girl to the leader of a new society demonstrates that there are no character arcs or paths of development that need to be reserved exclusively for male or female characters.

When developing your own strong female character, there is no reason she cannot command an army or rise to a high position of influence just as a male character might. It’s always good to remember that you can write the world you want, not merely the world you have.

Some female characters are so memorable that fans feel they should have been the main characters in their books:

Brains over beauty: Hermione Granger

Many readers of J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter fantasy series love Hermione even more than Harry. Hermione is probably the smartest pupil in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and she’s also loyal and brave. But she isn’t perfect. She can be a know-it-all. She talks too much. She is sometimes bossy.

Hermione’s negative traits are as essential to her existence as a strong female character as her positive traits are. In a world where girls are often assumed to have the most value if conventionally beautiful and adept at social interactions, Rowling created a girl who is described in the books as somewhat less than beautiful and often socially awkward. Yet Hermione remains one of the most beloved characters of YA literature.

The lesson from Hermione is that it is important make sure your strong female character has flaws, and it is even better if, as is the case with Hermione, some of those flaws are inextricably connected to the characters’ strengths. After all, the reason Hermione is a know-it-all is because she very often is the smartest person in the room or the only one who is correct about something. If Hermione is bossy, it is because sometimes the people around her need to be bossed.

The unlikable heroine: Katniss Everdeen

Some readers find Katniss Everdeen a hard character to like. However, Katniss lives in a hard world that only gets harder as the Hunger Games series goes on, and it is that hardness that saves her. Katniss is also a reluctant heroine. She steps up to fight in the first round of hunger games to save her sister and the second time because she has to. Katniss does try to protect the helpless, but she does so on an individual basis. She has no desire to become to face of the revolution and is pressured into the role.

Katniss possesses many characteristics that are thought of as traditionally male, and to some degree, she was criticised for characteristics that would be much less likely to be singled out if male characters had them. Whether or not Katniss is entirely likeable — and plenty of readers adore her — the lesson for writers here is that they should focus on writing people first and genders second.

Katniss would have been a very different character and the Hunger Games series a very different set of books if their author, Suzanne Collins, had felt pressured to make Katniss worry about her looks or fret about boys. A second lesson is that authors should be unafraid to make their protagonists into characters who are sometimes difficult to relate to, as real can be.

A change of view: Cassie Maddox in Tana French’s The Likeness

Tana French’s character Cassie is a particularly good example. The reader first meets her in the crime writer’s first novel, In the Woods. Cassie is the best friend and colleague of homicide detective Rob Ryan, but the novel is written from Rob’s point of view. When we next meet Cassie in French’s second novel, The Likeness, the story is told from Cassie’s point of view. Therefore, we get a fascinating look at character development from two different angles. A further complication is that Cassie spends much of The Likeness pretending to be someone else.

Cassie is well-developed as well. A policewoman, she exhibits courage and intelligence, but the challenges she faces in The Likeness uncover unexpected vulnerabilities.

The women of speculative fiction: Margaret Atwood and Offred

Margaret Atwood’s unknown narrator in The Handmaid’s Tale is another fascinating example of how a writer can develop a strong female character. Because the dystopian world Offred lives in is so restrictive, Atwood does not have access to many of the usual tools a writer might use to develop character. However, she manages to develop a character who rebels in small ways under oppressive and degrading conditions.

The narrator known as Offred remains nameless and we learn very little about the typical aspects of her life that we do with other characters. From reading her story, we can learn how to develop a strong female character without access to information about things like friends, career and leisure time activities.

Writing strong female characters is a matter of understanding that these characters should have weaknesses as well as strengths. By reading the stories in which the characters listed above appear, you can study the variety of approaches that writers use to develop characters and get a sense of the diversity of fully realized female main characters that exist.

Who is one of your favourite women of fiction?

#writing #female characters #writing tips #silverheroine #thesilverheroineproject

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rumata-est · 5 years

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Impossible Girl Rises

Part one

Part two

After “Mummy on the Orient Express” we have 5 more episodes to see how Clara has changed. “Flatline” is the first time when Clara explicitly tells everyone she's the Doctor. I bet a lot of people like to pretend they're the Doctor, or a Doctor, or somebody cool and clever. But it's not just like “now when I have a magic sonic screwdriver, a psychic paper, and a cool outfit (scarf? leather jacket? converse? bow-tie?), I can outwit everybody”.

Clara meets a grumpy guy who isn't affected by the psychic paper, she has to lie, to be a leader, to come up with ideas again and again, and do it very quickly. It's a good lesson for her and for all of us. “A Doctor” is a title to be earned with actions and not taken for granted.

Funny thing, when all of them say goodbye nobody seems to understand who the Doctor is and what he's doing there: he was there every second but only for Clara. Of course, he got rid of aliens at the end, but that doesn't matter. He did a lot of work guiding Clara and supporting her being invisible for everybody else. Basically, it's a description of the Doctor's companions: they are extremely important but every time the Doctor just outshines them, and that's not fair.

Also, we meet Rigsy, he is the first person Clara saved. From now on he's in her care.

In “the Forest of the Night” Clara is an amazing teacher who doesn't miss an opportunity to teach Coal Hill most Gifted and Talented something extraordinary but at the same time she's an absolute disaster when it comes to taking care of her students’ feelings and lives. She really goes native: she likes adventures and wonders so much she assumes everybody else does as well. She doesn't have a mother, she doesn't have a real family, and her boyfriend doesn't want to go with her anyway cause he prefers to see the things in front of him more clearly. Does he? Then why doesn't he see the Doctor is way more complicated than just an officer? Probably, cause he's still scared of the bigger picture which Clara prefers to the small one. He can save her from a simple threat, a tiger or a laser strike, but he dare not to think of a real story behind the fairy tale. The Doctor knows all of the real stories, but he often chooses a fairy tale too. Why? To protect the others from fear (and himself from madness).

When things go wrong Clara decides to stay on Earth. Why? Cause everything ends, and she doesn’t want to run away. She belongs to this world, and if she fails to save it, there's an opportunity to be brave, at least.

Why does Clara tell Danny “I love you” so deliberately? Cause she knows it’s important to him. It’s her anchor to Earth, her human life must belong with something or someone. It’s her attempt to see a simple small picture. Danny doesn’t understand it, he’s more confused than pleased.

The key scene in “Dark Water” is absolutely stunningly beautiful. Why? Yes, Clara does betray the Doctor's trust, but she doesn't betray her belief. She has to save a person who was in her care. It's not about simple human love, it's about her moral choice (later we'll see she'll do the same for Rigsy). I personally think the volcano thing wasn't important. Does Clara really assume the Doctor has just seven keys? Or the TARDIS would let her land in the middle of a volcano? Or the Doctor could be caught off guard cause she was the one emotionally unstable at that moment? She doesn't get emotional while trying to check Danny's identity. Clara wanted to make her point clear, to make the Doctor understand how far she would go being just a little predictable human being. She may not have his power or knowledge but at least she has a will, and she's ready to take the consequences.

This is the reason he tells her a very significant phrase: let’s see what we are made of, you and I. They have a job to do. He can count on her cause he knows she'll do everything possible, or die. Of course, on the other hand, that's part of the reason why he'll become so worried about her in series 9: she can really die cause human limits don't bother her anymore while she's still a human, and that's not a figure of speech.

Clara understands the nature of the Doctor's life strategy: run fast, be kind, think straight, enjoy stories, make up stories. That's why both of them have such power over reality: it's not some all-consuming monster, it's a tool and a toy.

In “Death in Heaven” Clara tells very angrily: what, you think I would give up the Doctor? Don’t be daft. But the thing is she doesn't actually know where the Doctor is. And she has said she lied. For all we know her beautiful words about her attidude towards the Doctor may mean nothing. It's just the Doctor's style: be angry, explicative, and emotional with your enemy while trying to come up with a back up plan. But we'll get the proof of their friendship later: they both are so willing to sacrifice their own feelings for benefit of each other they can't even notice their mutual mistake.

Why can't Clara say about Danny's death at once? Because it's a show, yes, and because she feels it as her own fault. He was responsible and selfless, he made amends. On the other hand, she lied to him, and then declared her endless loyalty to the Doctor. In Danny's terms they both were kind of soldiers, but he chose the battlefield and people, and she chose schemes and an officer.

“Last Christmas” is one of my favorite episodes cause it's about dreams inside the dreams (hello, Inception) and about whouffaldi, thank you very much, and it was discussed ages ago.

But it also adds some important features to Clara's character. She is anything but miserable without the Doctor: she taught in every country in Europe and learned to fly a plane. She had a good life and she laughs at her regrets. And this is so important for the Doctor. He dare not to come back to those he loved cause he's scared. What if they changed? What if they blame him? What if they didn't have a good life? But Clara did. She missed him, of course, and they made each other feel special, but she can feel... well, the music. She'll say it later out loud.

Her love for this kind of life and for life in general, and her love for the Doctor himself are two different things. That's why they get the second chance, and that's why they have this immortality problem in series 9.

But it's a story for another day.

#doctor who #Jenna Coleman #clara oswald #12th doctor #peter capaldi #moffat era #Moffat is a genius #DW meta #doctor and clara #whouffaldi #Impossible Girl

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unexploredcast · 6 years

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BEHIND THE SCREEN: GM Prep for Deliverance, OH (Mystery 1)

Thank you so much to everyone who left a review of our show in February! I’m so excited to be able to share my GM notes and a little bit about how I prep for our sessions with all of you, which are contained in quite a long post beow, and I’m more than happy to answer any questions that come up, so send them my way and I’ll get to them as soon as I can!

Fair warning: this post contains spoilers for... the entire first eight episodes of Deliverance, OH, quite literally, so if you haven’t finished listening to the first arc, it’d serve you best to listen to episodes 00-08 before reading my notes. I don’t think there will be any other spoilers for future episodes, but if there are I’ll be sure to mark them with plenty of space for you to stop or skip reading them.

Thanks again for your support, and enjoy this little walk through my brain on Monster of the Week!

-Christine

ORGANIZATION

I do the majority of my GM prep for this game in one big google doc I call “Session Outlines” which I store in a folder that has all of my worldbuilding notes, monster ideas, intro scripts, alternate playbooks, etc. I like having everything in one place so I can cross-reference with old arc while I work and on the fly, and this is as close to organized as I get.

The “Session Outlines” document’s got a handy table of contents with links that I can follow to quickly get where I need -- the breakdown is based on the Mystery prep system that Monster of the Week gives, so each arc has it’s concept, hook, monster, minions, bystanders, locations, and countdown. I’m going to go through each of those, but this is what the outline/table of contents looks like on the first page of my doc:

As you can see, I give each arc a catchy, stupid name that no one else ever sees, just to entertain myself.

Also in this doc, right at the end, I have the countdowns for various long-term arcs so that I can reference them when those intersect with things happening in smaller mysteries:

I’ll get a little deeper into countdowns further on in the post for anyone who hasn’t run Monster of the Week before, because they’re my absolute favorite part of prepping for this game.

PRE-MYSTERY PREP

Now, the first mystery in Deliverance was the first time I’d ever run Monster of the Week, so there are some aspects of prep that I’ve altered a little as I’ve learned more, but let’s just go through each page of my original notes from that arc.

The first page of my notes is always where I put the high-level thematic stuff that I want going on. The Concept for the arc -- in this case, a complicated question of morality, responsibility, and control that comes up when you find out that the monster that’s killing people is just a kid that doesn’t really know any better. I knew that with this arc I wanted to immediately set up the season with the question of: can we say that a monster is intrinsically evil, and if they are not, how does that effect our moral responsibility in re: trying to stop/hunt them?

Some of that came from my own agenda coming into the game, and some of that came from our episode 0, with Andrew flagging an interest in this strict anti-monster sect with rigid morals and absolute obedience, and also with Roman flagging an interesting in the nature and morality of monstrosity by choosing the Monstrous playbook. I figured a question like this would instantly give them both a strong agenda, and build an interesting tension between two of the four main characters if I could get them to butt heads about it.

The hook is pretty straightforward: what direct action or effect of the monster’s presence are they going to notice first, what’s our “opening shot” so to speak. I’ve been reading the essay collection Dead Girls by Alice Bolin lately and feeling guilty about having killed Delaney off before she was ever even on screen, but at the time I chose what felt like a trope-y establishing shot for the season so that it would become very quickly apparent where I was attempting to turn certain other tropes on their head. Anyway, someday we’ll be returning to Deliverance again and all I can say is that we may or may not have seen the last of Delaney Chapman... but that’s all stuff for later.

I also always put Chase’s start of mystery move on the first page of each mystery’s notes for a few reasons -- mostly so I don’t forget to ask him to roll it, but also because his result will, in part, develop the tone that mystery’s going to have. If he rolls a 10, this is going to be a mystery where the Kindred is working closely to solve the same problem, but if he rolls a 9 or below, the group is going to be more splintered, he’ll have fewer resources on hand, and on a 6 or below, they’re going to be actively obstructing him in some way. In play, I bold the result he rolls on this page so that I don’t forget, weeks and weeks later when we’re recording the third session in the mystery, what it was that he rolled, and so I can look back later and remember the progression of his relationship with the sect.

Anyway, after all of that’s set in place, I move on to firming up the details of the monster -- powers, attacks, weaknesses, all of that good stuff. Most important is the MONSTER TYPE, which is one of my favorite things about Monster of the Week.

For anyone who hasn’t taken a look at the Keeper preparation sheets for Monster of the Week ( HERE! ) I’ll put in a screenshot of what I’m talking about so that it makes sense.

The first thing I do in creating each monster is pick its type/motivation. Some of them are really obvious, but sometimes having the opportunity to pick an unexpected or non-traditional motivation for a traditional monsters is even better. I’ll elaborate more on that some day when I do one of these posts for a later mystery, because Clara is pretty straightforward in terms of monster type. Here are her full stats:

Now-- I’ll admit, at the end of the day Clara maybe wasn’t the monster in this arc. I went back and forth a lot on how to frame this arc in terms of monsters and minions, because the crew was never actually meant to fight or kill this kid. But, again, I was so interested in setting them up immediately against someone that made them question their internal concept of “monster” that I went with it. She was for me, ultimately, the central focus of the arc: the cause of the conflict, the motivation for the other involved characters, etc., even if she didn’t end up being the climactic conflict of the whole arc.

Clara didn’t appear on screen nearly as much as I expected her to: I’m not sure I ever got as far as her physical description as written here. I picked her type as BEAST because, in her uncontrollable werewolf form, that was what she would do -- so if they hurt her, and she transformed in response to that injury, that was what she’d do.

I also write this neat custom move for werewolf bites, but then none of the PCs got bitten by anyone. Still, I stand by the possibility of time-pressure and tension inherent in that 7-9 option.

As for weaknesses, my understanding of the werewolf healing process changed a little bit in play as I started to describe it happening to Evelyn, so between sessions I crossed out the original idea. I honestly have no idea, in retrospect, where I was going with the second bullet point, but thus is the fun of digital ephemera, it still lives in this google doc even though I have clearly ignored it for the rest of forever.

That link about mercury, for the record, goes to an instructables page I found for “how to kill a werewolf” -- Andrew still gets mad at me that “quick silver” not being literal is the reason he has to clarify whether anything I say is a metaphor or literal, but I thought it was way more interesting than Chase’s already having the perfect weapon (his silver knife) on hand.

Minions are up next:

As you can see, most of the heavy lifting here was in picking their Bystander Types since all three of them were werewolves with basically the same ability. I even copy and pasted from Clara to the point where I forgot to change the pronouns in Henry’s “supernatural powers” section. You can also see the little copy-and-paste checkboxes I use to represent harm on Henry’s stats -- there was so much happening at the end of that battle that I never fully caught up with filling those checkboxes in, and I think I also had them in my paper notes (which we’ll talk about later in this post).

The big motivation here was to differentiate Evelyn and Henry as two sides of the coin: both doing “bad” things to protect their sister, but going about them in different ways, with Evelyn -- who has an investment in this town, a life here she needs to protect in addition to protecting her sister -- being subtle, less destructive, really focused on protecting more than on doing whatever it takes, where Henry -- who has just moved back, and has no attachment to Deliverance itself except his family -- was going to do anything it took to get people off Clara’s scent, killing anyone who got suspicious.

You can see that I’ve face-cast Evelyn, here -- I do this for maybe 25-30% of the NPCs I make for this show, either ones I think are going to be particularly important or ones where an image of them just immediately comes to mind. In addition to Evelyn, I think I have actors in mind for Damaris, Van, Larkin, Blanche... Maybe that’s it? I also originally had one for Remedy (blonde Zoe Kravitz) but some incredible fanart has swayed me to having at least 3 different mental images of Remedy.

I should note that my actual writing process for these notes is not in the order they appear in the doc: at this point, I usually try to at least sketch out the countdown because I’m in the mindset of thinking about the monster and what they’re going to do -- and then I fill in the bystander and location details to suit the countdown, making any adjustments to the countdown that I need to to accommodate new ideas.

But, in my notes Bystanders and Locations are next, so:

First thing of note: somehow, Sheriff Commander-Jones’ wife, the medical examiner, never made an appearance. She is just chilling in the background of this show, waiting for someone to need to talk to a coroner at the morgue, happily married to a very overwhelmed Sheriff. There are a ton of details here that never came up, and one of the things I learned from this first mystery is that I’d over-prepped the hell out of it. My bystander notes these days are a lot simpler: name, pronouns, age, brief physical description, type/motivation, and a one-word trait usually is about it.

(Melissa was going to be so good, I’m still so sad I’ve not found another way to bring her into things. Maybe someday...)

You can also see here the common symptom where I leave something (Yasumoto’s trait) blank to come back to and then instantly forget about it and it just stays blank forever. Also, I don’t know why the hell I wrote “charming” in Jason’s description. He was never truly meant to be charming.

I keep the little Keeper list of bystander types/motivations in the doc below all of my pre-made Bystanders in case I need to come up with some on the fly, but more often or not I forget to write them into the notes. Evidence: Remedy is missing from this document after I made her up on the fly when Chase needed healing.

Locations are notoriously my least favorite part of prepping. I’m not good at coming up with interesting locations so I struggle through outlining the important places. I spent a lot more time on it with this arc than I do later on in the show, but my go-to is a few keywords describing the feeling/appearance of the place, and what information they might come across there.

After that, we get to my favorite part of designing a mystery: the Countdown.

For those who haven’t read or run Monster of the Week, the Countdown basically represents the steps of what the monster would do if the hunters didn’t interfere, and it gives a sense of direction as to how things will progress. It’s broken up into 6 steps, and the story can move from step to step when the heroes take too long or fail rolls, etc. Here’s my countdown for the first mystery:

This one was super concrete compared to some of the ones I’ve written. A recent countdown ended “And then the world ends” or something like that, so this one was a nice, concentrated countdown for a first foray into the game.

I italicize countdown lines in my notes as they happen in play: when people stall for too long early on, or when they fail and I get to make an off-screen hard move. I think the shadows line here was activated when they took the time to take Chase back to the farmhouse to get healed, which meant they wouldn’t be able to find the information I had for them in the morgue. The rest of the countdown was altered by their decision to go after Evelyn -- because Evelyn couldn’t go after Damaris, Henry did, and thus didn’t go after the police.

I hang out on the Countdown page while we play, until I need to reference something else: it gives me a broad overview of where things are going to go, so switching back and forth between that and the list of Keeper moves on the Keeper reference sheet helps me improvise my responses to failed rolls and decide what’s going to happen as the characters go to specific place. I like keeping this focused outline of what the monster is trying to accomplish in the front of my brain at all times, because it makes it easier to decide what conflicts might arise and what threats are out and about.

The last section I prepare before we start the first session for the mystery is a broad mystery information section, which isn’t necessarily in the outline of Keeper prep that Monster of the Week provides. For some mysteries I use this a lot, for others it’s just a line or to, but it’s my catch-all space for any information I can’t fit anywhere else but think I might need.

In this case, it was both notes about werewolf transformations and also a sort of CSI-esque explanation of what had actually happened with Delaney and Jason the night before:

Again, most of this information didn’t get used -- and I’ve sense balanced out my over-prepping problem, but I almost always have something I want to remember that doesn’t fit in any of the other prep, so that’s what this section is for.

I think the biggest thing to note here is that a lot of this information is in flux: I’m always playing with what things will work, what things won’t, what will make for interesting decisions based on what the PCs are doing, and adjusting my information and planning from there. Less kill your darlings and more let go of cool ideas when better ones come up, but it’s all about being able to adapt on my feet when things aren’t going to plan. I try really hard not to imagine the full arc of the story and how I think it might go, because when I do they inevitably go in the opposite direction. My focus is more cementing the ideas and themes and questions I’m interested in so that I can find ways for those to come up no matter what the players decide to do.

Now, that’s all the prep that I do before the first session. But most of our mysteries for Deliverance take 3-4 recording sessions, so what do I do during and between?

DURING AND BETWEEN SESSIONS

During sessions, I tend to make notes on paper because it makes less noise while other people are talking than typing does (I am, as anyone will tell you, a notoriously loud typist), so write some brief notes from the session on a page for that session, and then another page of notes of whatever I’ve scrawled down immediately after we finish recording where I make note of where I want the next recording to begin -- what hooks there are for each character/group of characters, what needs to be addressed, what they’ve been in the middle of, etc.

I dug through the pile of papers I brought back with me when I moved back to the US this summer to find my scratch page notes for the first mystery (recorded August-October 2017), which are below -- a few handwritten, and one pre-game section that I decided to type because, if I remember correctly, I was making these notes during a lecture because I had procrastinated until the last minute. Major apologies for my oft-indecipherable handwriting; I’d translate, but most of the time I, too, have no idea what it says.

This one below was my post-session 1 notes, along with my general on-hand notes during the recording of the first mystery -- I’ve got harm checkboxes, Andrew’s description of the farmhouse for reference (which, admittedly, I have not looked at again until just now), and then some notes about where people are headed and what they’ve encountered and/or promised.

Looking back at those harm checkboxes, I think I nerfed Henry’s harm-count because I was pretty sure I was going to kill Chase if I didn’t. I was very much still getting the hang of how much harm monsters can do vs. how much harm hunters can do.

No, I don’t know what those numbers on the top are. I want to say that was Jason’s iPhone password?

This one above is pretty typical for what my pre-session notes look like in the middle of a mystery -- each character or character group and then a quick note about where they are/what they’re going to be doing. This looks the most like the notes I take these days, now that I’ve been playing the game for a lot longer. They’re fairly sparse! Basically enough to give me an opening introduction as we start recording and then ask “what do you do?” and go off of whatever their answer to that is.

Another important note: much of this NEVER HAPPENS. “storm begins, takes them back to the station” who????? The quickest lesson I learned with this game is to not hold on to anything too tight because better things come up so quickly that you can’t afford to hesitate before abandoning ship and jumping to them.

As you can see, sometimes these notes are a “here’s what happened” or “here’s a thing you need to remember” note, sometimes they’re a “this is an interesting place to start” note, and sometimes they’re a “how the fuck am I going to get them back on track” note. Usually, I’d say, it’s that last one, with this particular group of characters. QUESTIONS are huge, in these notes -- “Where are you going now that Zeke’s kicked you out of the farmhouse?” is, I would say, the ideal kind of note for me to start off a session with.

Anyway, all that to say: for me, the real work of Monster of the Week is asking the right questions. Having a monster is important and having some idea of setting and bystanders is important, but if I had ten minutes to prep a Monster of the Week mystery, I would have: monster, countdown, and a strong hook, and I could probably improvise it all from there.

#Monster of the Week #ttrpg #GM prep #the unexplored places #motw rpg

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sharingshane-blog · 6 years

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BPD in Doctor Who

Trigger Warnings: Depression, Anxiety, Suicide, Abuse, Self-Harm, Mentions of Physical Assault and Rape

When I was 17, almost a senior in high school, I watched my first episode of Doctor Who. I started with Christopher Eccleston and worked my way through. It took me only a couple of episodes before I was hooked. I became obsessed with the series, and many of the characters, particularly the ones from the Russel T. Davies era, because I felt like I could emotionally connect with them. I understood them. Rose Tyler really grew on me. She was supposed to be around my age at the time, and we both lived at our parents’ home feeling overall empty and worthless.

At that age, my anxiety and depression were particularly bad. Someone who was mentor and major influence in my life had committed suicide. Not long after, my grandfather whom I would see all the time passed away. I was already wallowing in major levels of grief and loss. I had also just gotten permission to skip eleventh grade and graduate a year early from high school. With that, I had to work last minute to get myself together, so I could apply to colleges and universities. My parents had a history of neglecting my needs frequently and one of the ways they did was helping me prepare for college. They refused to help me research or check out schools. They would not take me on visits because it was too much of a “financial burden” on them. They also refused to teach me how to drive or help me much at all for the next step ahead. I felt extremely lonely and I felt very abandoned. My parents have a history of physical and emotional abuse towards me, but I did not come to terms with that until I was in college, eventually developing PTSD.

Feelings of abandonment and isolation became chronic and debilitating for me. There were many emotions I would bottle up until I could not take it anymore. I felt like a geyser. As the emotions bubbled and heated more, the pressure in the chamber underground increased until there was a burst of boiling hot water—a crisis or outburst of anger. I had trouble maintaining consistent relationships with people which only added to the loneliness. People came and went, and I never expected them to stay. I felt too worthless to think they would care about me. I had recurrent suicidal ideation. For a long time, the way I would keep myself alive would to just tell myself every night that I will just kill myself the next day. I refused to go to therapy until well into college. This had to do in part that I did not know how to express my emotions, and it also had to do in pat because of trauma. My mom forced me against my will (on my 16th birthday) to see her therapist and basically admit how horrible of a child I have been. After my grandfather’s death, I did attempt to see a counselor, but it was a religious counselor who told me that I did not need counseling and that I just needed to focus on my faith in God. It was not until I was 19, well after beginning college, where I decided to actually pursue therapy. I had many unstable friendships at college. I was with my abusive ex-boyfriend. My already unhealthy relationship with my parents became worse. The tipping point was when I was in the car with my dad one day, and he tried to hit me. I jumped out of the car before he could do anything to me. He drove off leaving me on the side of the rode in tears. It was not long after that experience that I filled out the paperwork to start counseling. I eventually got a therapist outside of the college campus. After almost attempting suicide, I was hospitalized for a week at a psychiatric facility. It was there where the psychiatrist inquired me about a condition called borderline personality disorder.

Here are the symptoms or signs of the disorder:

-Efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, such as rapidly initiating intimate (physical or emotional) relationships or cutting off communication with someone in anticipation of being abandoned

-A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often swinging from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)

-Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self

-Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating

-Self-harming behavior, such as cutting or burning

-Recurring thoughts of suicidal behaviors or threats

-Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days

-Chronic feelings of emptiness

-Intense anger or problems controlling anger

-Difficulty trusting and possessing a fear of other people’s intentions

-Feelings of dissociation, such as feeling cut off from oneself or seeing oneself from outside one’s body

Not everyone with the disorder experiences all these symptoms. The symptoms also come in varying degrees. No two people with the disorder is completely alike, although they tend to understand each other. After I received the diagnosis, I felt that my life made a little more sense. I began to understand myself better. I have been in treatment for a long time and have made many improvements. During this whole journey though, I learned something else, one of the reasons why I became so obsessed with Doctor Who. I mean who doesn’t want to fly away from their boring lives to explore all throughout time and space with a mad man (or woman) with a box? I have not seen the episodes with Jodie Whittaker so no spoilers! You may cause a paradox and destroy all of reality if you tell me anything. It’s my future. It was more than a form of escapism or a way of leaving my miserable life. I realized that the Doctor’s character really resonates with me on a more personal level. Now I am specifically referring to the New Who episodes. I haven’t watched enough of Old Who to make adequate judgments of the character during those episodes. The Doctor in New Who exemplifies many of the characteristics associated with borderline personality disorder. I am no psychologist or psychiatrist, but for me, I feel like that this was one of the main reasons I fell in love with the Doctor. He (or she) is the star of the show, the hero, the person everyone loves aside from say the Daleks, the Cybermen, the Slitheen, the Weeping Angels, the Zygons, the Silurians, and well, okay not everyone. But in other shows, people with the disorder or exhibits multiple aspects of the disorder are usually portrayed as antagonists and creeps.

The Doctor continuously goes out of his (or her) way to try and avoid losing people. It causes him a lot of pain when he loses his closest friends. Sometimes he will push his closest friends away, even for years at a time, because he’s afraid he’d never see them again. Sometimes he’d isolate himself from making new friends for fear of them falling apart. We see this with the tenth Doctor at the end of his tenure. He refused to take on new companions. He was also reluctant to take on Martha as an official companion after losing Rose. But as you know, things did get “escalated.” The eleventh Doctor set up Amy and Rory with a house on earth so he could come back to them whenever for hundreds of years because he knew that humans could not live near as long as him and he couldn’t bear to see his closest friends die. He uploaded River Song as a computer program in the biggest library in the universe so he could always come back to her. After losing Amy and Rory, he isolated himself from most of others except from a select few refusing to make other friends for fear of the inevitable loss. Like Martha, he was reluctant at first to take on Clara as a companion. On the whole though, the Doctor is fairly quick in choosing is companions, almost like Jesus choosing his disciples. The Doctor becomes close pretty quickly and has people by his side while traveling in the TARDIS (time and relative dimension in space). However, he is also quick to cut communication in order to “save” his friends or most often himself from impending grief. He tricked Rose and Clara to have the TARDIS take them home while he faced a life or death scenario. When Clara came back to the Doctor 300 years later in his future, he admitted that the reason he sent her away was because he would have buried her a long time ago. It seemed to be more for his sake than hers. She didn’t want to be sent home, and she was willing to face every danger he faced. For those who struggle with BPD, the fear of loss and abandonment is quite prominent. Similarly, to the Doctor, I would frequently be quick to make very close friends. I often idealized them and think they are basically perfect. “And she is perfect,” the Doctor says about Clara Oswald. “You are the most important woman in the whole universe,” he says to Donna. At the same time, I was also just as quick to push people away. I’ve sometimes seemed to ghost people, hide things from them, push them away from my problems, refuse help when I desperately needed it. I was too afraid I’d hurt them or overwhelm them to the point that I’d lose them. I become a roller coaster ride to be friends with. I constantly felt the need to protect people from myself and try to save myself from impending grief which hurts so bad that it makes me sick.

Like the Doctor, I also felt persistent emptiness and loneliness. I felt like no one really understood me. Even though I usually had close friends nearby, they also seemed temporary. Give another year and it will be a whole new group of friends. I am very blessed that I’ve been able to maintain a strong relationship with my best friend for almost five years. I’ve not had a romantic relationship last even a year. Alongside the loneliness came emptiness. For the most part, I felt like my life was pretty meaningless and boring. I felt like I constantly had to be doing something in order to fill the gap. The Doctor gets like this too. When he stuck around in Amy and Rory’s home for a couple of days, he got anxious. He rarely sticks around for tea after saving the day. He has to constantly be doing something, or he just feels bored or pointless. This causes anxiety or depression. The tenth doctor, after trapping himself in the 18th century with Madame de Pompedour to save her from impending doom, looked sorrowfully into the night sky because of losing access to his TARDIS. Like him, I usually can’t handle monotony. I get anxiety and depression really fast.

Impulsivity is another common trait between me and the Doctor. This can look different for each person who struggles with BPD. Many do struggle with alcohol or drug addictions but not all. I do not, but my impulsivity comes out in other ways. It actually is similar to how the doctor is impulsive. I am very quick to putting myself in compromising or dangerous situations. Personally, I cannot actually go into much detail on this issue for my safety and the safety of others around me. As a result of impulsive decisions I’ve made, I have gotten assaulted or raped. Now these crimes are ultimately not my fault, and do not advocate victim blaming. People should just have the common decency to know that those things are wrong. Unfortunately, that’s not the world we live in. I was almost physically assaulted after outing myself as transgender. I learned quickly the dangers of being trans in society. I’ve stretched myself thin for the sake of others without taking the time to analyze how much I can handle. The Doctor is very similar in this regard. Over and over, he’ll walk passed “keep out” signs. For him, they are like “dry clean only.” He’s one of those people who usually takes action before thinking. Although sometimes we find out that he has actually put more thought into something than we, the audience, assumed he had. Still, a lot of times the plan is to run towards the danger, see what happens, then come up with another plan. When he hears a scream, he runs towards it. When a sketchy guy is offering jobs at Hooverville in 1930, he was the first to volunteer. Despite his intelligence and cleverness to get out of dangerous situations, he usually just as quick into them. The results have even blown up the entire universe.

Both the Doctor and I also seem to have struggled with a personal sense of identity. This also can result in intense mood swings. Sometimes I have feelings of euphoria, a heightened feeling of myself. I can be the life of the party or on top of the world. I can become hypomanic (BPD and bipolar disorder often mimic each other). Other times I am the complete opposite. I think I’m the most awful, pitiful thing that creation gave birth to. I will self-harm or have suicide ideations. I’m afraid that I am an abuser just like my parents, that I just hurt people, or that I constantly let other people down. This sometimes spawns feelings of isolation. Sometimes my emotions swing between extremes within a day. The Doctor seems similarly to reflect these traits. For most of New Who, he is haunted about destroying Gallifrey in order to end the Time War. Was he a genocidal maniac or a hero who ended a war that would have destroyed all of reality? Is he any better than a Dalek who belongs to a race of ethnic cleansers. Even after the 50th anniversary episode, the twelfth Doctor feels the need to ask Clara whether he is a good man. People with BPD tend to have a difficult time knowing themselves outside of how others perceive them. They constantly rely on others to tell them how they are more than trying to take the time to analyze personal actions and intentions. We usually think our intentions are just excuses for the horrible things we’ve done. The Doctor kept telling himself that he was trying to end the most deadly war in all of history when making the decision to eradicate his own species, but he wondered afterwards whether it was just an excuse to be the monster he truly was. It wasn’t like he had a super friendly relationship with the Time Lords (although he was also half human first suggested in the 1996 movie and confirmed with the twelfth Doctor). He constantly wrestled with the prospect that maybe he took on companions in order to use them rather than actually befriend them. Davros visibly gets under the Doctor’s skin when he suggests that the Doctor takes “ordinary people and fashions them into weapons.” We have the episode with the Dream Lord, a suggested personification of the negative aspects of his character. There is a very dark portion of the Doctor which makes him such a complex character to fully understand. Still, generally, we most often see him as a hero. We are more gracious towards his decision to destroy Gallifrey to end the Time War than he is to himself. I struggle to understand myself. I generally have persistent feelings of shame that if the dark side of me comes out, then people will leave me. It’s something I try to control.

Building off the last point, the Doctor is prone to anger quickly coming to that emotion. “The fury of the Time Lord” is explored throughout the series. It’s related to the question as to whether he is a good person or not. This is one area I have seen significant improvements in. It is okay to angry, but sometimes my anger was ineffective in achieving my goals. I am not as quick to anger as I used to be. I think a part of it is that I don’t live with my parents anymore. I still have much room for improvements.

The Doctor’s fears of abandonment and loneliness has given away to trust issues. Too many people have betrayed him. We never learn his actual name throughout the series. He doesn’t trust anyone with it. He keeps a lot of himself a secret. He will refrain from being vulnerable around others including his companions. He’ll always say that he’s fine, that he is always fine. This is the classic thing that someone battling mental illness says to cover up their emotions from others. It is something that I have said in times of distress many times because I am afraid that people will judge me or betray me or leave me. River Song tells him to trust her. She whispers his real name in his ear to prove to him that she is worthy of trust. Even then, he has his reservations. When learning River was a prisoner for killing man and she doesn’t reveal who, he questions her and why future self would trust her. There is always constant questioning of other people’s motives and intentions. When Rose saves her dad’s life altering a fixed point in time, the Doctor is quick to accuse her of selfishness, that she only wanted onto the TARDIS to save her dad, that she was only using the Doctor. Though Rose’s decision was impulsive and unwise to say the least, the audience isn’t as quick to accuse her of that. We get the sense that she had a genuine care for the Doctor and actually wanted to travel in the TARDIS for the purpose of exploration. As we millennials like to say, I feels.

Thoughts of suicide and self-harm or disassociation are not attributes that we can necessarily observe or be able to observe in the Doctor. We do know that he does tend to view his life as less important as others. He’s hinted that death may be a gift for someone who lives so long. He is quick to sacrifice himself. He gets angry at River when she tries to save him and tell him that the universe doesn’t want him to die. He’s willing to neglect his life for the sake of others. When he tried to destroy Gallifrey, he didn’t expect or want to live. The ninth Doctor explained it wasn’t his choice. The Doctor seems to be depressed that he didn’t die after ending the Time War, that his guilt is unbearable at times. I don’t think I can delve much further on this particular aspect of his character to be honest.

I have thought about this for a long time as you probably can tell. I am still in love with the Doctor and it is one the view shows that I garner pleasure from when I am severely depressed. It can distract me from my sometimes very intense and unbearable emotions. I believe this in large part due to how much I relate to the Doctor, that maybe I may not be an absolute monster. Maybe, I’m not that bad of a person. Maybe I’m someone that can be loved just like the Doctor. Maybe I am just as interesting and unique. Maybe at times I can be the hero and not the villain that I always view myself to be. I continue to love the series and I can not wait to see Jodie Whittaker’s depiction of the character when I am able to get access to the episodes. I am sad to say goodbye to Capaldi, but the story always continues.

#bpd #doctor who #mental health #depression #anxiety #abandonment #love #tardis

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lionel-verney-last-man-ayeee · 3 years

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To Lionel Verney all those years ago,

My dear friend, how you do not know where you will be in such a short time.

At one point in your life, all you cared about was revenge. You wanted those who oppressed you to feel the pain and neglect that you had for all those years after father left. You wanted them to suffer as they had made you and Perdita suffer.

Then you met the Earl and he was nothing like you believed he would be. He took you in and cared for you. Adrian, your best friend. A man of science, poetry, and the gods. He brought you into civilized society and was the first source of love and affection that you and Perdita had missed your entire lives.

For a while you did not meet Idris, you shunned the event that you feared would bring around impending change for better or worse. She was everything yet nothing (42) and her arranged marriage to Raymond brought you nothing but pain. However, you eventually sought to protect Idris from the influence of the Countess’s evil schemes affecting her in Adrian’s absence. Several months later, while visiting Perdita in her cottage, you realized she was not alone. And suddenly this object of your thoughts breathed life and there she was. She was the most beautiful woman you ever beheld, she seemed to have this halo of glory that surrounded her (43). You were never as happy as the day she returned your love.

But in doing so, she lost Raymond. Raymond, however, wasn’t too upset for he also found another love; as you predicted all those visits ago, Raymond and Perdita held deep affections for each other. As their relationship flourished, so did yours with Raymond. The night the chairman declared Raymond- Lord Raymond- Lord Protector of England you had never quite heard screams so loud. There was never a Protector as “capable of fulfilling the arduous duties of that high office” as Raymond was (86). You had never been more proud in your life of your dearest friend.

The children, well what can we say about them. With Idris you had three beautiful younglings and in the tragic deaths of Raymond and Perdita you adopted Clara into your little family. Oh how they played and laughed and enjoyed life as if there wasn’t a care in the world. You wished you could run with them, laugh with them, live with them. But you always were tied to earthly and material attachments weren’t you? Your children loved you and you loved them but sometimes work and caring for your friends became more important (something you only regret when they are gone).

At the end of it all its just Adrian, Clara, and you. Adrian eventually becomes Lord Protector and never falters in his dedication to the betterment of England and the lives of her citizens. He would routinely walk the streets at night to make sure everyone living on them was taken care of. In the height of infection he would go into hospitals and just be there for the suffering people whom he was responsible for (which I recently learned was not safe at all and he should have been wearing a mask and social distancing). And he had carefully crafted this plan for the rest of us that remained to travel the continent before uniting in Rome where we would set up camp and wait out our days.

But nothing ever works to plan dear friend. You try to make it to Rome but the waters are too harsh. The boat flips and you get dragged under. After making it to shore you realize Adrian and Clara do not follow and trust me there is no amount of screaming that can bring them back.

What I want you to know you ignorant fool is that you are not indestructible, England is not some armored fortress that is destined to reign forever, there is no such thing as this perfect society we were trying to create for society can never be perfect if it must always change. We aimed too high, we bit off more than we can chew, we became too arrogant and in doing so tried to manipulate the world in ways which man is not allowed to. Let’s face it, we tried to be God. And right on the precipice of this utopian civilization, one that reached too far, Nature rose up to reclaim its reign of the dominion and to remind us that against it we are less than nothing.

Seeing as there is nothing I can say now that will change anything that will happen then just know this: you made it. You are the Last Man and it really sucks. And you’re going to not want to continue, you’re going to want to end it all. But I encourage you not to. The world shall now be ruled by your imagination and your imagination alone. So pick up a book and tuck in because it is going to be a while.

Please wait for me? And when we meet again do tell me the stories of your naive ignorance. Help me relive all of which has happened to us so I can look back and finally smile on the life I have lived. Be the best you today so it makes my job easier tomorrow. Goodbye for now, I’m off to read a new book.

Love, eternally, Lionel Verney

#My waiting room is now full #how I shall be well received #and when I can hug everyone again #I know it will have all been worth it #may we meet again good friends and family #in the place where no one returns #to Rome we shall go

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takaraphoenix · 7 years

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Has anyone asked you about Dr Who yet?

First of all, let me apologize for just how fucking long this has been laying around. But I have expected it to take… A While to answer. So, sorry for the wait.

I’m a Whovian. Which people who avidly read my PJatO fics probably know because I love to slip it in there.

Doctor Who ranks fourth on my fop five of all-time favorite TV shows.

I’ve only seen New Who though, to make that clear. I just… I dunno? I like color? I tried Classic Who, but I just really can’t go through the black and white - and the New Who does work so well on its own too, even though it factors in Classic Who.

So I will be only talking about New Who here.

I started to watch Doctor Who when it made its way into the Saturday morning program. It really didn’t impress me at all. Literally the only thing that stuck was Jack Harkness - back then, we only did get the first two series, mind you.

So when it just… stopped airing, I didn’t particularly care too much. Because they had written Jack out of the show a series ago and I was more than miffled by the concept of them constantly replacing the main characters. After all, it’s only been two series but I already had two Doctors. And? What? No. What? As a teen, I so did not have the patience for a show that changed main actors more often than some people change their socks.

So I put that out of my mind and actually kind of forgot about it. After all, it had stopped airing in Germany too, so, well, it was canned and done.

But then series 3 ended and I heard that Captain Jack actually made a return to the show. And that coincided with me getting invested in learning how to English. Literally, at the time I sucked. I only brought home 4s, 5s and 6s - Ds, Es and Fs. I copied all my homework from my half-American friend and couldn’t give less of a shit about that language. What would I even need it for? I live in Germany, we speak German, for heaven’s sake.

But I really liked Jack and I had been trying to better my English somehow. So, why not by watching this British TV show with German sub-titles? I started rewatching series 1 and 2 and then watched series 3.

I fell in love with Doctor Who with series 3. It is, to date, a masterpiece to me.

The main reason is the removal of Doctor Who’s most unlikable character. Rose. Good heavens above, I hate Rose Tyler.

Yes, she was a brilliant companion for the Doctor. Yes, she saved the world and galaxy and whatever. Yes, she was the companion the Doctor needed at the time.

But she was a shitty human being.

She was a good companion, because the Doctor was literally the only thing that mattered to this girl. And that’s a good quality in a companion. It’s a crappy quality in a girlfriend and daughter though.

The way she kept stringing Mickey along, even having the audacity to be jealous when he tries to move on but she goes out into the universe with a total stranger, was just petty.

But the one thing that I will never forgive her for and the main reason why I hate her is the way she literally disappeared for an entire year Earth-time - her boyfriend and mother and everyone believing her to be dead, Mickey even being accused of having killed her. And she just up and disappears again.

She didn’t take the time to go to the officials to clear Mickey’s name.

She didn’t even take the time to stay for one lousy dinner, or to say goodbye. Her mom believed her to be dead for an entire year and she can’t even stay one fucking evening to eat dinner with her mother? Or at the very least give her a proper, heartfelt goodbye? No, as long as I can run after the Doctor, I’m happy! I don’t need anyone else!

Not to mention that she’s a barely legal gal being shipped off with a 900 year old alien. It’s just creepy, is what it is. The fact that the Doctor and Rose were never explicitely together is one of my biggest blessings on this show. That he never even said the words had me cheering in my seat, to be honest. Because, no, Doctor, you do not need to fall in love with a 19 year old human, no. Just no.

So yeah, I fell in love with the show after Rose left.

Martha Jones is also my favorite companion. Yes, she is also in love with the Doctor - but she never turned her back on her family, she always had her priorities straight. And she was one-sided in love with him. If he had returned her feelings? Yeah, I’d be creeped out by that too then.

Not just Martha and the return of Jack though, also the plots are what made me fall in love with it.

I have to admit, the Bad Wolf plot of the first series was ,when I rewatched it, really cool. But the second series… still feels more like a filler-series, really. The plot was just so… meh. And the single episodes too - I consider “The Idiot’s Lantern” and “Fear Her” to be two of the show’s weakest episodes.

Martha brought something fresh to the table and I actually love the plots of most of her episodes. “Daleks in Manhattan” and “Evolution of the Daleks” was so cool. “Human Nature” and “The Family of Blood” are, to date, probably the creepiest episodes to me.

“Blink” is literally the most perfect episode of all in this entire show.

And I’ve rewatched just the three-parter of “Utopia”, “The Sound of Drums” and “Last of the Time Lords” more often than I care to admit or remember.

It introduces the Master to New Who and the Master is brilliant. A brilliant enemy.

I hate that Martha only stayed for one series, but her successor sure was worthy, because Donna Noble is my second favorite companion.

Her dynamic with the Doctor is probably the best dynamic written so far in New Who. They’re just friends, in a beautifully uncomplicated way where both of them are deeply aware of the pain in the other.

Not too many outstanding episodes, aside from “The Sontaran Stratagem”, “The Poison Sky” and “The Doctor’s Daughter”, but the pure dynamic of 10 and Donna totally made even the weird plots work well.

Not to mention Donna’s grandpa, who yes. All the yes for him. He was an amazing half-companion (never really know what to call the “male character who only tags along due to the female companion”),

And then the “Journey’s End”. It was such a pay-off. The way it brought everything of the past four series together was just intensely awesome. To unite all of his companions from those four series, to have even Sarah Jane back - I love Sarah Jane, I consider The Sarah Jane Adventures the best of the three Doctor Who spin-offs and her character is amazing. I didn’t even mind the return of Rose, because she was an important part of that life.

And then the entire show changed, because Russell T Davies was replaced by Steven Moffat.

Part of me was over the moon about Moffat at first, because he created Captain Jack Harkness, who is literally why I found my way to the show. And he wrote some of the best episodes of Doctor Who - “The Empty Child”, “The Doctor Dances” and “Blink”.

I have a deeply seated hatred for Moffat at this point, fyi.

I consider “The Girl in the Fireplace” to be the first warning-sign of things, really. Moffat’s intense need to ship people off. To ship the Doctor off.

I do not want my over a thousand year old alien to be shipped off with humans? Honestly, I don’t want him shipped off with anyone, at all, because I watch this show for the SciFi extravaganza and the scales, not the fucking romance.

River Song, close second after Rose on my list of characters I don’t like. Though I’ll get back to that later on when we discuss 12, because she’s currently being re-evaluated by me.

I didn’t like the 12/River plot that Moffat was hyping so hard, because… it completely hijacked the show.

Though, strike that, I didn’t like the River plot in total.

It was way too complicated. And I’m not just saying that because it was “a bit confusing”. I’m saying that because it all only fully fell into place after literally five years. That’s too long.

I do like a complex plot. I like when a plotline stretches out over a course of more than just one season. But if your plot is a messy knot of something that no one can quite figure out where it begins and makes sense until five years later, that’s just… a mess.

“Silence in the Library” aired in 2008 and the real pay-off for the River Song plotline and where it was coming from and going only aired in 2013 with “The Time of the Doctor”. I’m sorry, but that just doesn’t compute for me.

With the first four series, each of them could stand beautifully on their own too, even though in the end all four spanned together and had one pay-off.

Series 5 didn’t make a lick of sense, even after rewatching it two times. It started making a bit more sense with series 6, and then a little more sense with series 7, but come on, if you have to wait three years and then watch three series in one go to make actual sense of stuff you watched three years ago, that just can’t be it for a TV show. That’s ridiculous.

Getting a bit more into details instead of just critizing the overlaying plot, because for its sub-plots, I really did like 12′s arc.

Amy Pond is… an okay companion. She ranks among the six main companions New Who had so far - Rose, Martha, Donna, Amy, Clara, Bill - on a solid four. But the literal best thing Amy Pond did for Doctor Who was introduce Rory Williams to us.

Rory Williams is a national treasure and needs to be cherished.

Seriously, if there’s one thing I’m really-really hyping about 12, it’s Rory. He was so adorable, relatable, sweet, cute, caring, amazing. He was the best. I will forever live to regret that Rory and Jack never met, because the idea of Jack hitting on a totally confused Rory while Amy goes protective lioness over her husband is just beautifully hilarious.

Though, for me series 5 also marks the point of oversatuation on Daleks and Cybermen.

Daleks started out, in series 1, as those great enemies who were extinct and look there is only one left. And then there’s a fleet in the next series and it’s a shocker and really effective.

At this point, it has become an obligatory thing. “Ah, there’s this series’ Dalek-episode. Can cross that off my Doctor Who bingo then”. And, honestly, the Daleks are not that great as enemies? Like, they’re great foes, but they don’t do for the most intriguing plotlines because they literally just want to exterminate. An enemy with an actual goal and motivation makes for far better story-telling.

And while I understand that they are the most iconic Who villains and that we can’t get rid fo them entirely… Can we like, reduce them? Maybe have them not appear for one whole series? Because they stopped bringing something new to the table a while ago.

And this series also marks when Cybermen and even the Weeping Angels also just become… bingo-marks, really. It becomes obligatory from here on out that we have to have at least one episode featuring those particular villains. And that just becomes… so predictable.

Now that I complained again, let me return to the praising.

“Vincent and the Doctor” is one of the more emotional episodes of this show and I love it. I’ll never not cry during it.

But “The Lodger” is just plain awesome. “The Lodger” and “Closing Time” are my two favorite episodes for 12, because he had a brilliant dynamic with Craig and I also loved that Craig did get to return for a second episode. I’d love to see him again some time, maybe now that Stormageddon is older. It’d be amazing.

Series 6 was, aside from “The Lodger”, quite the let-down for me personally. I greatly did not care for “The Rebel Flesh”, “The Almost People”, “Night Terrors”, “The Girl Who Waited” or “The God Complex”. And that’s nearly half the series.

Series 7 was better again. Though I still feel conflicted about changing companions mid-series, to be honest.

Clara Oswald is a companion I have… conflicting feelings about.

I really liked her at first, but she definitely overstayed her welcome.

In series 7, she was very much welcomed. She was a nice change of pace, she was witty and I really liked the mystery of “How is Oswin still alive?”. The plot was cool; the pay-off of that was a bit ridiculous, but hey.

Oh, before I forget to mention it! I love Madame Vastra, Jenny and Strax! And they deserve a spin-off so much. Honestly. I still don’t get why they green-lit the boring-ass premise of Class over a spin-off about that trio (note: Class is far better than its boring-ass premise and I enjoyed the show very much while it lasted, but that they got a show with such a lame premise green-lit over a more substantial spin-off is completely beyond me).

We gotta talk about “The Day of the Doctor”, of course.

John Hurt as the War Doctor was amazing, but I still hate that Christopher Eccleston didn’t return for that role. It think it would have weighted so much different if he did and if the plot could have continued as intended. But the War Doctor was a great way to fix the lack of 9.

And 10 and 11 playing off of each other will forever be the singularly best thing on this show, hands down.

The only real problem is that it was just Clara. This was so huge. The scales of it were so great and it was the damn anniversary. We managed to team up all the former companions for the series 4 ending, how did we not get a single additional companion for this huge-ass anniversary special? How did Captain Jack and Torchwood not show up? How did freelancer alien-hunters Mickey and Martha not help them? At the very least. That Rose and Donna and Sarah Jane and Amy and Rory couldn’t, yeah, obvious, but… At least some of the former companions should have been honored in this anniversary special.

I want to say that the pay-off for that was great, but… Honestly, it wasn’t so much a pay-off as more of a “tease for something that still hasn’t been cashed in four years later”. Gallifrey stays… but we kinda accidentally misplaced it.

Danny Pink and series 8 was what really ruined Clara as a companion.

She should have been written out with “The Name of the Doctor”, or at the latest after the anniversary episode considering that it’d have been troublesome to introduce a new companion there.

But when she started to prioritize her boyfriend over the Doctor and literally tried to murder the Doctor, that was just when her character needed to go.

Also, not to forget, series 8 features the singularly dumbest and worst episode of the entire New Who. “The Moon”. Fuck this episode, fuck it hard and square. The moon is an egg and it hatches and immediately lays a new “moon egg”. And literally everyone saw it but opted to immediately forget it. Fuck you. Just… really, were you drunk when you wrote this episode and high when you green-lit it?

And 12 did not make a good first impression in his first series either.

I saw a lot of memes of Classic Who fans pointing out how “other Doctors needed an adjustment phase too”. I get that. Yeah. 11 had that for one episode of finding himself and adjusting. But two entire series can not be the way to do it.

He had zero emotions and was thus zero relatable. 10 and 11 felt so much and so strongly, that is what made you grow attached to them. 12 couldn’t even grasp the most basic of human emotions and it wasn’t even in a funny running-gag kind of way either. It was just annoying and disorienting.

However, the pay-off for series 8 was good. The Master returning as Missy was awesome. Time Lords regenerating into Time Ladies too is awesome and also makes me think that maybe their race is called Time Lords because they are all primarily male and only have occasional female regenerations for reproduction purposes, but not as primary, designated genders. But that’s just me.

I feel similarly let down by series 9. Honestly, I can’t even really distinguish series 8 and 9. They both have the 12th Doctor who is unable to know how to human and Clara, who is growing more and more unlikable and unnecesary by the minute.

Granted, series 9 was a bit of a redemption arc for Clara, but she still felt… rather pointless, because by now she literally finished two story-arcs in this show. First through her original plot and then with the Danny plot.

I don’t like their solution for the “Three Peter Capaldis in this universe” that they came up with that series though. The whole “The face is a reminder” thing is just utter bullshit. I mean. He rescued so many people at this point of whom so many had more emotional value than Caecilius. Why the heck his face?

Honestly, if they’d just retconned it into “12 took a trip to Pompeii and was missing with 10″ it would have been a better solution that would have been more fun…

And I genuinely don’t know how I feel about Arya Stark. Her plotline is kind of intriguing, but she feels like another Captain Jack Harkness. That is to say; another immortal created by the Doctor who then gets abandoned by the Doctor and will be randomly forgotten at one point. Not to mention the cock-teasing of “There could be a spin-off about Me and Clara”, about which I still haven’t decided how I feel.

I adore Osgood. I do have to say that though and I love seeing her back, even though I’d still have loved for her to become an actual companion.

Now.

Now is the time to get back to River Song. Because the Christmas special “The Husbands of River Song” was actually the first time I truly liked River.

And it made me realize why I normally dislike her. She’s a badass and awesome, actually, but that has always been overshadowed by her school-girl crush on the Doctor and the way she’d bat her eyelashes at him and urgh, it was so annoying. In this special, she didn’t know he was the Doctor for half the time and her behavior was awesome. She was awesome. Until she realized he was the Doctor and went back to her school-girl-crush behavior and I went urgh again.

Not to mention - and this is my hardest knock on River Song and her plotline - you can’t keep writing heartfelt goodbyes. They lose all meaning.

“Forest of the Dead” had this grand, epic finale to her plotline before she was even properly introduced and that really pays off when rewatching it.

Then she was introduced.

Then we got a really heartfelt goodbye in “The Wedding of River Song” in series 6, where you thought “Wow, that’s it”.

Then you got a really heartfelt goodbye in “The Angels Take Manhattan” in series 7, where you weeped additional tears for Rory and Amy, but you’re kinda sure that this must be it now, right?

But it happens again at the end of series 7 with “The Name of the Doctor” - and this has to be it, right? It’s like the biggest goodbye yet and it has to be the final.

But oh no, look. Another heartfelt goodbye episode in the Christmas special “The Husbands of River Song”. And at that point, them saying goodbye really just made me roll my eyes.

You just… You can’t make epic goodbye episodes if you don’t plan on fucking finally writing the character off. Either stop pretending to say goodbye, or stop bringing her back, but you can’t do both, it’s just ridiculous and quite frankly also sad.

Now, moving on to series 10.

Series 10 made me fall in love with the 12th Doctor. Finally he was THE Doctor. Finally he started caring and being properly there, instead of requiring his companion as an emotional crutch. This series makes me mad that Peter is already leaving again. He barely to to actually be the Doctor as he ought to and now he’s already being replaced. Urgh.

Bill was actually a really cool companion. I didn’t undestand a single word she said for the first two episodes before I got used to her way of speaking, but after that, I fast grew attached to her.

Heck, I even grew attached to Nardole, and Nardole was the thing I hated most about “The Husbands of River Song”. But he had great character development over this one series.

I’m not sure how I feel about Missy, to be honest. Because I don’t want a redemption arc for the Doctor’s greatest foe. It was fun, but also really weird.

Now, before I wrap this up, I guess it’s impossible not to talk about the 13th Doctor.

I couldn’t give less of a rat’s ass about the casting. Literally.

I mean, as long as the actor does a good job and does the Doctor justice - not like Peter did in two out of three of his series - I couldn’t care less if the Doctor is male, female, white, black, Asian, for all I care they could have the Doctor regenerate into an agender green alien considering he doesn’t have to be human looking but humanoid. I just want an actor who captures the essence of the Doctor.

For that, of course, the actor is not the only one responsible.

The writing is too.

If they go an overly “We now have a female Doctor!!” route and start treating the Doctor different just because he is now a she, I will go batshit crazy.

If the Doctor now, all of a sudden starts actively persuading a male romantic interest (and I use the term “actively” here because the Doctor not limiting himself to females has been canon for a long time), just to keep things “straight looking”, I’ll be mad. How about we leave the romance just out? Something I’ve been pleading for for years now.

If the Doctor now, all of a sudden will for the first time in New Who take a male companion just to “keep it even”, I will also be mad. Because so far, the Doctor only took male companions as add-ons to his female primary companion. Have her take two companions, one male and one female, okay. That is what works best anyway, in my opinion.

But if the Doctor now takes a male companion and will require to be saved by The Man, then I’ll just be disappointed.

And I wish I wouldn’t have to worry about this, but I feel like… replacing Moffat and the Doctor and the companion all at once… Might change New Who completely and there’s no telling into what direction it’ll go.

So, for now, I’ll just be anxiously awaiting the new series and praying that the female Doctor will do the role justice, both as an actress and as its written part.

#Doctor Who #Ask me a show and I shall rant #TV Rants #Fandom Rants

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