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imhereforbrownies · 2 years

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Never been happier

Han Jisung/Reader

Summary: Jisung has been your best friend ever since your first year of college. However, what you feel for him is far away from just friendship. Once he asks his classmate out, you somehow realize, that it might be your last chance to confess your feelings and address something that he let slip while being drunk. Just some college!au best friends to lovers kind of stuff (I suck at summaries, sorry).

Warnings: a bit of angst, cursing, fluff, best friends to lovers, college!au, idiots in love, mutual pinning, slight slowburn, mentions of drinking, jealous!reader, jealous!Jisung, I didn’t really use any pronouns for Y/N so this should be for everyone (I hope), Lisa and Jennie of Blackpink make an appearance for no particular reason other than that I love them lol - I hope that’s all, let me know if I missed anything please~

Word count: 10k+ (I apologize again)

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Today was a shitshow.

First your stupid phone died in the middle of the night so you overslept, then you managed to pour your morning tea on yourself when you were hurrying to your first class, then you found out you forgot about an assignment you were supposed to turn in today. Fortunately your professor was kind enough to give you extra time to turn it in, extending it to today's midnight, so instead of spending afternoon with Jisung and the boys you were writing a paper on Sigmund Freud. You don't know exactly how you managed to put it together, but you did and now you are laying face down in your bed, absolutely drowned out, debating with yourself whether to go and make yourself second dinner as a treat or not. Suddenly your phone buzzes.

You groan out but reach for it anyways, turning your face to the side to see an incoming message from no one else than your best friend.

> Are you up?

You chuckle. As if he didn't know.

< Sure, what's up?

You know Jisung had something he wanted to share with you today and being the curious human you are you couldn't wait to hear it. But then you had to cancel your plans because of the assignment and it's fair to say it didn't really raise your spirits. Jisung's message gave you hope though. And when it takes mere seconds for him to text back, you know it means he really has something important to say, tension growing in your chest.

> You know Ha-na from my Music History class? I asked her out and she said yes.

You stare at the message, eyes widening, your heart hammering like crazy, the dull sound reverberating through your whole body, your breathing pausing for probably longer than it should. You feel as if someone slapped you.

> Are you there?

Jisung's second message snaps you out of your little stupor and with sweaty fingers and trembling heart you reply.

< Sure. That's great, dude.

Tears finally raise in your eyes as you realize what's going on. This is what he couldn't wait to share with you? This is why he was so smiley these days? Ha-na from his Music History class?

Oh, saying you feel like a dumbass is an understatement. Let's say that maybe, just maybe, a little part of you hoped that the reason for his smile was you, that maybe he really felt the same way you do and that maybe he finally wanted to confess to you officially. Guess not.

You stare dumbly at the screen, your chest filling with something heavy and dark, making your heart ache.

You know this is your fault in the first place. You were a coward just like your roommate Lisa said. You should've confessed to him a long time ago just as she instructed or at least confront him about what he said after Jeongin's birthday party but you were so afraid you'll ruin the friendship you two have that you eventually fully missed all your chances.

> I wanted to tell you today but since you were busy I thought I'll let you know like this.

You sigh softly, biting on your lip to hold back any sound that would dare to escape your lips, burning tears rolling down your cheeks. You thought today could not get worse yet here you are.

< You know it was schoolwork, it wasn't intentional.

You close your phone, throwing it away as you flip the sheets over your head, burying your face into the pillow as if it could swallow you up whole, your sorrows and regrets included.

This is how Lisa finds you about half of an hour later, returning from her late class with smile on her face that drops instantly when she sees you in your little cocoon. She knows that means no good.

"Hey there, Y/N! Not a good day?" She asks softly, putting down her bag and crossing the room to reach your bed. You don't reply at all, which makes Lisa frown a bit. She gently peels the covers off of your body just to find you already sleeping, crumpled tissues spread around your body, making Lisa's frown deepen as she carefully covers you with the blanket again. She contemplates whether to wake you up or not, when your phone buzzes softly. It takes a while for her to find it, the buzzing indicating a second incoming message helps her locate it in the feet of your bed, twisted in your sheets. She hesitates a moment, not wanting to intrude your privacy but all it takes is one look at you, the hurt painted over your features even in your sleep making her act before she could change her mind, her hands freeing your phone just to find at least ten unread messages from Jisung.

> I know, I didn't mean to make it sound harsh

> Are you still up?

> Y/N?

> Y/nnnnnnnn

> Are you mad at me?

> Did something happen?

> Did I do something wrong?

> Y/N???

> Is this because of Ha-na?

> I won't go out with her if you don't like her.

> Please, answer me.

As she reads through them she puts together a decent image of what happened, her eyes turning to you with mixture of sympathy and worry.

She knows that even though you might not admit it out aloud, what you feel to Jisung is much more than just a crush.

"Ah, Y/Nie," she murmurs, putting your phone on your bedside table. She sighs softly, deciding to let you sleep. She'll have enough time to discuss it with you tomorrow.

Or at least that's what she thought. But when Lisa wakes up the next morning you're already gone. It could be considered nothing out of ordinary if only your classes didn't start much later than hers today.

Lisa sits up in her bed and lets out an irritated huff, looking around the room to find out what's left of you here. You didn't take your bag nor your phone so she assumes you didn't head to school yet and that you rather wanted to hide away somewhere, which gives her no comfort at all. She reaches for her phone, determination flashing in her eyes. She won't leave it like this.

You sit underneath the blooming cherry tree in your favorite park, sipping your frappe as you stare at your old sneakers, mind wondering somewhere far far away, your surroundings being lost on you.

You woke up really early today, which is very unlike you, but you somehow couldn't fall asleep again, your mind constantly returning to Jisung's surprise announcement from yesterday and his words from months ago, ringing through your mind like and omen.

After spending about an hour rolling from one side to another in your bed, you decided to get up and head outside. That's what led you here. You needed some time to be alone and to think this through properly. Your feelings aren't raging inside you like yesterday, the sadness and anxiety make you feel numb now.

You mindlessly nibble at the straw, swaying your feet a little as you think about what you're going to do about this mess, when a pair of black sneakers and a skateboard appear in your vision, a shadow being casted over your form, forcing you to look up at the stranger. Your eyes meet his and you realize it's no stranger at all. It's Chan.

"Hey, Y/N," he greets you with a grin, dimples appearing on his cheeks.

"Hi, Chan," you manage a smile, moving a bit to make space for him on the bench and he takes your invitation, resting his skateboard on the side of it as he takes a seat, small smile on his lips.

"What are you doing here so early?" He asks, turning to you.

You know Chan approximately as long as you know Jisung. You met them during your first year of collage. You three took the same class and were assigned to make a project together. You clicked with them instantly and you stayed in each other's lives ever since. You often returned to those memories in your mind, looking back at those days with nothing but gratitude. Getting to spend time with them and the rest of the boys brought so much happiness into your life. Maybe that's why you were always so terrified to lose Jisung.

"Y/N?" Chan's worried voice takes you out of your head and you realize he asked you a question.

"Uhm, sorry. I- I just woke up early today and wanted to spend some time outside before my classes," you shrug, dropping your gaze back down to your sneakers.

"Are you sure that's it?" He nudges your shoulder with his gently, making your eyes snap back to him.

"What kind of question is that?" You raise your eyebrow at him, eyeing him suspiciously. Chan chuckles softly, scratching the back of his neck in what you recognize as nervous gesture.

"Lisa called me," he admits, making your features curve in confusion. Lisa did what? Why would she- oh.

"So you both know," you murmur and Chan hums in agreement softly.

You feel embarrassment creeping on you and so you just look down and sip your frappe. When you ignored Jisung's messages and cried yourself to sleep yesterday, you didn't expect anyone else to get to know about it. But here you are.

"So you are here on purpose. And here I thought that you finally crawled out of the cave you call studio to get some fresh air as a part of your self care routine or something," you mumble, making him chuckle.

"Yeah, you wish," Chan states, which makes your lips twitch into amused smirk.

"But for real, I'm here because I'm worried about you, Y/N. Both of you," he switches back to seriousness, all the teasing gone from his tone.

"Both of us?" You ask, your eyes finding his at the mention of Jisung.

"Yeah. He was really nervous to tell you about Ha-na, you know," he says softly and you can't help but frown.

"Why? What did he thought I'll do? Jesus, we are best friends for almost two years now. It's not like I'd get all-," you cut yourself off, realizing that what you're doing right now is exactly what you wanted to say you wouldn't do.

It's not like I'd get all jealous or something.

Yeah, sure.

Chan apparently catches up on your trail of thoughts and his hand finds yours, squeezing gently.

"He was just worried you won't like her, that's all. He really cares about your opinion," he states and you bite on your lower lip as harsh as you can, holding back tears.

"I don't even know who she is," you whisper when you're sure you can keep your emotions on leash.

"Really? I thought-," this time it's Chan who doesn't finish his sentence and you who's left to read between the lines.

"I'm in love with Jisung, Chan," you state and surprisingly, your voice doesn't tremble.

Silence settles between the two of you for a long moment, much longer than you would like, making anxiety grow inside you.

"Oh," is all Chan lets out and your facade finally crumbles, tears raising in your eyes and rolling down your cheeks.

"I've liked him ever since the day you two walked in the class but then- then we all became friends and I just- I didn't want to ruin everything with my stupid feelings but now he's going out with Ha-na and- I- I- didn't know what to do," you sob as Chan pulls you into his arms, letting you hide your face in the crook of his neck while his hands run over your back soothingly.

"What do I do, Chan?" You ask, desperately clinging to his form as if your life depended on it, your eyes filling with hot tears.

"I know you probably don't want to hear this, Y/N, but you should tell him," he says softly and you stiffen.

"No. No, no, no, no, no. I can't do that, Chan. There's no way. No. Never. He- he apparently doesn't feel the same and I'm pretty sure it would only make things awkward between us and I just- I can't lose him," you murmur, biting on your lower lip and shaking your head.

Chan pulls away just enough to be able to look into your eyes, his gaze soft yet focused.

"How do you know that?" He asks.

"What?" You whisper.

"How do you know he doesn't feel the same?"

The weight of his eyes on you makes you shy and so you look away, fidgeting with the sleeves of your oversized hoodie.

"Well, why else would he ask her to go out with him, if he felt the same?" You murmur, your own words working like a salt on a wound, making your chest burn. This specific question wouldn't leave your mind ever since you read Jisung's message yesterday. You thought- you thought the feelings were mutual and that once you gather enough courage, you'll confess and that maybe, just maybe, it'll all work out just fine.

"Maybe he thought you don't feel the same," Chan offers and you chuckle humorlessly.

"Yeah, sure. Even Jeongin knows about it. How could he not?" You finally meet his gaze again, your eyes full of tears. You feel so tired after all the crying.

To your surprise Chan scoffs.

"I thought that after two years of knowing him, you would know that sometimes he's just- Jisung. I think he would not let himself believe that you could feel the same until you'd literally rub it in his face," he states and you stare at him, your brain replaying his words again and again until you have to admit this might be true.

Even though Jisung seems like the cockiest boy you've ever met, you know he's mostly trying to mask how sensitive and insecure he can be. Chan is right. If he really meant what he said that night at Jeongin's, he wouldn't probably own up to it. He gets too lost in his own head sometimes and you know that can be a problem. Besides, you still don't know if he remembers it in the first place.

"Maybe you are right," you say eventually and Chan chuckles.

"Yeah, trust me. You should give it a try. He's supposed to go out with Ha-na tomorrow so you still have enough time to tell him. Don't waste it, please," he states, his eyes full of care holding you a hostage and so you find yourself nodding mindlessly.

"Good. Now... did you have a breakfast already? I know this place down the street..."

Once the door of your flat closes behind you, you find yourself in tight embrace of no one else but your roommate. You're a bit confused, especially because Lisa was supposed to be in her class by now but you return the hug anyways, letting her ramble.

"I was so worried about you. I'm sorry I called Chan and got all involved but I didn't know what to do and you know I hate to see you sad. I would go looking for you but you left your phone here and I didn't know where to go. I'm sorry, Y/N."

"It's okay, Lisa. Really. Thank you, actually. Talking to Chan really helped me," you say softly.

She pulls away and looks up at you, your smile making her own lips curve into one.

"So you're not mad?" She asks and you shake your head.

"No."

"And you're not sad anymore either?" She assures and you can't help but scoff.

"No. I'm anxious but not sad," you confess.

"Okay, good. We can work with that. Let's start with me making some tea and then you'll tell me what makes you anxious, okay?" She offers, leading you into your little living space and you nod in agreement.

You settle on the couch and watch Lisa as she makes her way around the counter, pulling out your matching mugs and getting everything ready to make the tea.

"I want to confess my feelings to Jisung," you admit suddenly and she freezes. Her eyes snap to you, her lips parted in surprise as little what? escapes her mouth.

"Yeah. Uhm- Chan said I should give it a try so I was thinking, you know- yeah," you shrug, trying to stop yourself from fidgeting.

"I mean I've been telling you to do so for about a year but okay," she states, making you chuckle.

"No, but really. I'm happy Chan gave you the encouragement that you needed. Whatever he said to you, I'm sure he's right," she says and you smile, nodding.

"I really hope so," you murmur and you mean every word. You know how much is at stake and you're about to risk it all.

"I'm just gonna get my phone, okay?" You glance at Lisa and she nods with a smile, humming some tune as she waits for the water to boil and so you head to to your joined bedroom.

When you pick up the phone and the screen turns on, you almost drop it. The amount of unread messages and calls from Jisung makes you realize that Chan was 100% right in one thing. Jisung does care about your opinion a lot. You feel guilt flood your veins as you read through all of the mess that he left you throughout yesterday's night and today's morning, anxiety seeping through his words, making you want to smack yourself for putting Jisung through this. You acted like a bad friend. Hell, that's an understatement. You acted like the worst friend.

Before you're able to stop yourself, you're dialing Jisung's number and pacing around the room as the phone keeps ringing.

Finally he picks up.

"Y/N."

The way he says your name cannot be compared to any time you've ever heard it before. It's desperation, relief, sadness and fear all melted into one, making your heart clench painfully in your chest.

"Sungie, I'm so so so sorry. I- I know there's no way I could ever excuse my behavior in any way but I really do apologize. I- I fell asleep yesterday because I was so exhausted in the evening and today when I woke up I went for a walk and I left my phone at home. I'm really sorry," you blurt out, intentionally leaving out certain parts of the story. He doesn't need to know about that.

"No, no, no. There's no reason to apologize, really. I just thought you're- I misunderstood the whole situation and I got anxious again, I'm really sorry," he states and you can spot the nervousness in his tone. You really wish you were there with him so you could hug him tight.

"It's not your fault at all, Sung. Really," you assure him and he sighs softly.

"Okay," is all he replies but it's soft and even so you know his brain finally switched off the panic mode.

"I- I wanted to ask you something actually," you state, biting on your lower lip as you stare out of the window at the people down on the street, everyone trailing behind their own matters.

"Oh, what is it?" He asks without missing a heartbeat.

"Are you free tonight by any chance? I thought that maybe we could hang out when it didn't work out yesterday. We haven't seen each other in a while properly," you offer, praying he would say yes without questioning your motives further.

"Uhm, yeah, sure!" He replies and you can't help but smile.

"Good. See you tonight then, Sungie," you say softly.

"See you, Y/Nie."

It's honestly a miracle you were able to sit through all of your classes and pay at least a fraction of attention to what your professors said when all you could think about was your little rendezvous with Jisung. You agreed to meet at six at your favorite coffee shop and the closer the hour got the more nervous you grew, debating with yourself whether this really has to be done. Chan's words gave you courage though. Maybe Jisung still does feel the same and maybe you really have to be the one to officially make the first step. Even if he didn't feel the same anymore, you're grown ups, right? You can overcome this and stay friends, it's no big deal after all. You've lived like this for months now, with his words on your mind, and a thing didn't change between the two of you. So maybe this could work just fine.

You repeat this to yourself like a mantra the whole way to the cafe. You know Jisung has a habit of showing up late, so you don't really rush while you try to prepare a mental speech for him about all those chaotic emotions swirling through you.

To your surprise, once you open the glass door of the coffee shop, he's already sitting in your usual place, his skateboard resting against the side of his seat. He's playing with the menu nervously, looking at it as if he didn't have it memorized by now, his messy dark hair hidden by the snapback, the oversized hoodie he wears swallowing up his body. You can't help but smile. This is exactly how you know Jisung. This is exactly how you love him too.

You greet Jennie who stands behind the counter before you head to him. Besides being Lisa's best friend, Jennie is also an acquaintance of yours since she works here, where you and Jisung are usuals by now. You notice Jennie's smirk as her gaze flicks between you and Sung, making you want to roll your eyes. She never missed a chance to tease the two of you about the 'obvious mutual pinning' as she calls it.

Once Jisung catches the movement in the edge of his vision, he looks up, your eyes meeting. You feel your heart do a little jump in your chest, your cheeks heating up. Grin appears on his face as he stands up and heads to you, pulling you into his arms with your name slipping through his lips. He holds you tightly as always and you can't help but melt against him, resting your head on his shoulder while your arms envelope his back.

"I'm so happy to see you," he confesses and you really have to stop yourself from doing something stupid.

"Me too," you murmur instead, pulling away to look at him.

"God, have you slept recently?" You ask, noticing the dark circles that formed underneath his deep brown eyes, worry creeping into your chest.

"I- uh- not really," he admits, looking down to avoid the frown that appears of your face.

"Sungie. Is something going on?" You ask, gently grabbing his arm and leading him back to your table, both of you sitting down opposite each other.

"N-no. Well, nothing serious. I'm just struggling with sleep. No particular reason," he shrugs, his hands fidgeting with the menu again and so you reach out, taking them in your own.

"Have you talked about it with your doctor? I think she should know about it," you say softly and he sighs, his fingertips grazing your wrists mindlessly, making goosebumps raise on your skin.

"Yeah, I did," he states and finally looks up to meet your gaze.

"And what did she say?" You ask, knowing that sometimes you have to push Jisung a bit to get him to tell you the whole story.

"She had a few suggestions. I don't know how to work with it though," he shrugs and you chuckle.

"Ah, Sungie. We can make it work, I promise. You should've told me earlier," you say and he bites on his lower lip, his eyes searching yours shyly.

There's something about this whole situation that makes you feel uneasy. He's too nervous, too fidgety. He's usually not like that. Only when-

"You're not telling me the whole truth, are you?" You whisper and his eyes widen softly, his whole body stiffening before he shrinks a bit, gaze dropping to the table.

"No," he admits.

"What is it then? You know you can tell me everything, Sung. Chan already told me all your embarrassing secrets that night we got drunk at Changbin's birthday party," you state, trying to lighten up the mood but Jisung doesn't budge, which kind of terrifies you.

"This is not something I can tell you, Y/N," he says and you could swear your heart stopped for a second here.

"What?" You murmur, your brain trying to catch up with his words.

"I- I just can't. No," he shakes his head as he retreats his hands from yours, the sudden distance between the two of you making you feel cold.

"I mean- I have no right to force you. If you don't want to tell me, then you probably have a good reason for it and I respect it," you state with heavy heart as you bite on your lower lip, taking your own hands off the table to hide them in the pockets of your hoodie.

You both stay quiet for a moment, just looking anywhere but each other, the atmosphere turning too heavy for your own liking. That is until Jisung clears his throat, instantly earning your attention.

"What about you? How are you these days?" He asks and you stiffen, remembering why you are here in the first place.

"Uhm- well, I manage," you shrug.

"What the hell does that mean?" He leans forward and you fight the urge to lean back as if that could help you escape his piecing gaze.

"I- I don't know. There's a lot of it in school. I just can't wait for summer," you murmur, hoping Jisung will take the bait and leave you alone, but it doesn't seem like that.

"I know you tend to overwork yourself. We talked about this already though. You should rest properly, Y/N," he states and you sigh, nodding.

"Yeah, mom," you murmur and he chuckles.

"Ya, I mean it!"

"I know."

Your eyes meet, smiles on your faces. And suddenly everything feels okay again. It always does when it's the two of you. That's what you love about Jisung. He always gave you peace, always made you feel like whatever kind of shit you were dealing with didn't matter at all, like everything had a solution in the end and it does. Even this thing between you.

"I have to tell you something," you blurt out, your heart palpitations reaching the roof when you realize you really said it out aloud and there's no backing out of this now.

"Okay?" Jisung offers, smiling softly. You look down, squeezing your eyes shut as you exhale, remembering what Chan said.

Don't waste it, please.

"I- I-," you stutter out, your mind shutting down completely, the whole speech you prepared turning into thin air and leaving you a little vulnerable trembling mess.

No, you got this.

"I kind of- I like you, Jisung," you state, keeping your eyes down, too afraid to look up at him and see his reaction. Just when he stays suspiciously quiet, you actually dare to take a peek at him and assure he didn't just leave in the middle of your inner battle. He's there though, looking at you like a confused little puppy.

"I like you too, Y/N. But I kinda hoped you- I mean- you know that since we are friends, right?" He raises an eyebrow at you and you feel like screaming. God, you'll really have to rub it in his face, won't you?

"No, what I mean is that I- I love you, Jisung. Like much much more than a friend. I do for a while now and I didn't know how to tell you and now- I felt like this was my last chance. You don't have to do anything about it of course. I- I can handle it. I just- Chan- he said I should tell you so- here I am," you finally breathe out, feeling like your mind is probably about to explode.

"Chan?" He echoes and you look up at him, confused.

"You told Chan before you told me?" He asks and you feel like you'll probably jump over the table and choke him.

"What the hell? That's all you got out of this? What was I supposed to do? Tell you and ask you for advice?" You raise your voice, making a few people look in your way but you really couldn't care less at the moment.

"I'm your best friend!" Jisung argues.

"Jisung, I swear to god, I'm gonna murder you," you state, clenching your fists on the tabletop.

You pictured this going a lot of ways but this definitely wasn't one of them.

"You know, if you told me instead of your new best friend Chan, you would've probably found out that I feel the same but whatever," he states, folding his arms on his chest as he leans back nonchalantly.

"You- you do?" You squeak out.

"Well, it doesn't really matter now. You apparently prefer to talk to Chan anyways so-," he states, waving you off while you stare at him, completely shocked.

"Jisung, please, stop joking around or I'm gonna cry. I mean it," you state and he snaps his gaze back to you, apparently concerned.

"If this whole thing is a joke, I can't take it. I- I've been struggling to tell you for so long and if you want to laugh at it now I don't want to hear it," you say, standing up without facing him, ready to leave, feeling too exposed, too vulnerable to handle being in his presence anymore.

"Y/Nie, wait! That's not what I meant to do at all, I promise. I don't want to laugh at you. I- I really care about you. I love you, Y/N. A lot. I'm sorry," he states apologetically, his hand reaching out to you to stop you, grabbing your wrist.

"You know how I get in serious situations," he adds, but you almost don't hear it over the roaring of your own heart in your ears, his words resonating on your mind.

"You love me?" You ask, turning around to look at him, the tears still glistening in your eyes. The sincerity, worry and affection you're met with are enough to melt your heart.

"I do," he nods, hint of certainty in his voice.

"Why did you ask Ha-na out then?" You inquire, your heart trembling a bit at the mention of it. Jisung sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Because of Minho. He said I should ask someone out to try and forget about you," he says softly and you stare at him for a moment, before you chuckle.

Jisung gazes at you, unsure how to react.

"This is ridiculous. I thought it was obvious I felt the same," you state and he chuckles.

"I thought so too," he says, making you smile. So he probably doesn't remember what he said then. Not that it matters now, your whole body buzzing with excitement from his sweet admission.

"I guess we should thank Minho," you offer and he shakes his head.

"No way. We would never hear the end of it, I swear," Jisung states and you start laughing.

"That's true. We must pretend we somehow figured it out ourselves," you state and he hums in agreement, pulling you into his arms by your wrist, his arms settling around your waist.

You are a bit surprised, looking into his eyes shyly, your cheeks burning.

"You think they'll believe us?" He asks and you scoff.

"Probably not," you admit, snaking your hands to the back of his neck, your fingers playing with his soft hair, your eyes glued to his.

"I thought so," he murmurs before he closes the distance between the two of you and kisses you softly. You melt against him completely, letting him savor you like you've always dreamed of, your lips dancing against each other as if this was always meant to be. And you kind of believe it was. Because there's no way this would ever make you feel so good.

The taste of him on your tongue is addictive and you immediately chase after it, letting him pull you closer by your waist, your bodies pressed flush against each other, your hearts racing rapidly in tandem. You feel like every cell in your body is buzzing, making your skin tingle as your fingers run a bit further into his hair, your insides melting.

"Ew, get a room you two."

The female voice immediately snaps you out of your little bubble, both you and Jisung pulling away a bit breathless, your cheeks burning in embarrassment.

You catch Jennie's mischievous gaze as she passes by you, giving you a playful wink, making you want to disappear into thin air.

"Sorry," you murmur, exchanging a flustered glance with Sung, who's biting on his lower lip, endearingly trying to contain his grin.

"Come on, let me treat you to some hot chocolate," he offers, wrapping his arm around your shoulders and leading you back towards your table.

"Can't say no to that."

After spending about an hour chatting over a cup of hot chocolate and sharing cheesecake, you both decide to call it a night and get going. Jisung forces you to let him pay for the two of you before you say your goodbyes to Jennie and head home.

You can feel the shift in the dynamics between the two of you, as if you shared a secret now, something only you two know and understand and it's both comforting and terrifying.

"So- what will you do now with Ha-na?" You ask, nudging his shoulder as you walk down the street together. Jisung groans out, detecting the teasing in your tone, making you chuckle.

"What do you think I'll do? I'll explain how the things are now, of course," he states and you smile.

"Hmm. And how the things are exactly, Jisung?" You murmur, looking at him with raised eyebrow and he smirks.

"I don't know, why don't you tell me?"

Just as Jisung finishes the sentence, a loud roar of thunder echoes through the space, the first heavy raindrops following by soon, before it turns into straight on downpour, soaking your bodies through and through.

"Ah, shit," you mutter, putting on your hood as you try to walk faster.

"Come on. If we jog for a moment, we'll make it to my flat soon," Jisung offers, raising his voice so you'd hear it through all the ruckus around you and you agree, trying to ignore the butterflies fluttering in your tummy as his hand envelopes yours.

You both start running, despite the water drenching your clothes and shoes as you try to avoid bumping into other people hurrying to hide from the rain. You can't believe you didn't notice the thunderstorm coming. You always tend to check the weather, but you were too preoccupied with the whole situation with Jisung that you somehow forgot.

The absurdity of the situations makes you giggle as you squeeze on Jisung's hand tighter, letting him lead you as you stumble through the rain.

When you think about it, it's quite freeing and you realize that after a long time you really feel careless and happy. Every worry that tortured your body seems to dissipate, leaving you calm and contend, smile curving your lips as you tug the hood lower into your face to protect it from the water.

"Hold on just a moment. We'll be there soon, baby," Jisung encourages, taking a turn and tugging you along and you almost stumble once your brain registers the pet name slipping through his lips, your heart jumping at that, while warmth floods your cheeks.

"Okay," you reply quietly, not even sure if Jisung heard it over the rain.

He doesn't respond anyhow, picking up a pace instead as his apartment building greets you at the end of the street.

You keep up with him and soon you stand in front of the front door while Jisung's wet fingers fumble with the keys. He finally manages to unlock it and he lets you in first before following quickly after. He rushes you into the elevator, letting out a soft sigh once he presses the button with his floor number and it starts moving upwards, tugging his hood down and resting his back against the wall, his eyes meeting yours and you give him a smile, trying to hide the shivering of your body, but it doesn't go unnoticed by Jisung.

"God, you're trembling," he states, closing the distance between the two of you, his hands grabbing your arms and he starts stroking them over your soaked hoodie, trying to warm you up, making you let out a shaky laugh.

"It-it won't h-help, Sungie. I-I need dry clothes, d-dummy," you stutter through shattering teeth.

"You're right. You need to take hot shower too. Why won't this thing go faster?" He lets out annoyed sigh, looking up as if to scold the elevator before his eyes meet yours again and you chuckle.

"It's- it's okay," you soothe, smiling at him, the corners of his own lips lifting a bit at that even though he still looks quite alerted about your state.

Finally the elevator stops and the door slides open. Immediately, Jisung grabs your hand again, hurrying to the door of his flat, keys already prepared in the other one, ready to unlock the door. It doesn't take him as long this time and so soon you're both standing in the hallway, small puddles of water forming underneath each of you as you take off your shoes and hoodies.

"A-are the boys h-home?" You ask, keeping your voice low to not draw too much of potential attention.

You are at Jisung's often, there's no problem with that, but you're sure that Changbin and Minho of all the people know exactly what's up with the two of you and you're not really willing to face their teasing right now.

"No, don't worry," he states with a smile.

"Go ahead and take a shower, I'll prepare some clean clothes for you," he prompts, pushing you forward gently, taking your soaked hoodie from you.

"What about y-you though?" You turn to him, hesitating. You're sure he must feel just as uncomfortable and cold as you.

"I'm gonna go right after you. Don't worry," he assures you, leaning to you to plant a soft kiss on your forehead, making your eyes widen in surprise, your cheeks burning.

You don't dare to argue anymore, following Jisung's orders and heading straight towards the bathroom like in trance.

You close the door behind yourself, letting out a soft sigh, persuading your heart to stop racing like crazy from something as small as what just happened, grin plastered on your face.

You bite on your lower lip, forcing yourself to contain your stupid joy and start taking off your drenched clothes promptly, your shivering body spurring you on.

Once you stand there completely naked, you climb in the shower and put on the hot water, groaning out in pleasure as soon as it hits your cold body. You can slowly feel your skin warming up again as you let the stream wash over you. You stand there just like that for a while, enjoying the warmth that slowly returns into your veins as you hum some melody under your breath.

After a moment you decide you should probably get out already and so you grab a bottle of shower gel, hoping that it's not Changbin's or Minho's, and you quickly wash yourself, before turning the water off and getting out of the shower.

You take out clean towel from the cupboard, knowing well where Jisung keeps them after all the time the two of you know each other and the times you crashed over at his place, and you dry yourself thoroughly. When you're done, you wrap it around your body before grabbing the handle and opening the door, just to almost crash into Jisung. You both jolt a bit, your gaze meeting his wide eyes, before you look down at the pile of clothes in his hands.

"I- uh- I just- the clothes," he stutters out, pushing it into your arms before he turns around and leaves in hurry.

"Thank you?" You murmur, confused about his behavior. It's not like Jisung never seen you like this before. When you think about it, he's been always flustered around you when you somehow lacked clothing but you just thought it makes him uncomfortable since you are best friends. But probably not.

You smirk softly at that before you close the door again. You quickly change into the clothes he brought you, an oversized black t-shirt and some comfy shorts, before wrapping your wet hair in the towel and finally leaving the bathroom so Jisung can wash up as well.

"You're free to go now!" You announce, heading with the pile of your wet clothes into the living room to put them on the heating to dry up a bit.

"Sungie?" You try again once you realize the lack of his response, while lining your clothes on the heating.

"Stop yelling so much, jeez," an all-too-familiar voice takes you out of your thoughts, making you snap your head around just to be met with Minho, casually leaning against the doorframe, smirk on his face.

"What the hell are you doing here?" You inquire, raising an eyebrow at him while he lets out an amused chuckle.

"I can ask you the same thing, Y/N," he states, shoving his hands into the pockets of his sweatpants as he approaches you slowly, making you feel like a prey.

"We were out with Sung and the thunderstorm caught us on our way back so I'll probably wait here 'til it's over," you shrug, noticing how Minho smirks.

"Out with Sung, huh?" He asks tentatively, making you suppress a roll of your eyes.

"Yep," you nod, knowing exactly what you just got yourself into. God, you'll kill Jisung once you see him for giving you the fake feeling of safety when he assured you the boys are not home.

"Does it have anything to do with his date with Ha-na?" He keeps interrogating you, but you're determined to not let anything slip. Not in front of Lee Minho himself.

"No. Well, I mean he wanted to go out to tell me about that, but otherwise no," you shake your head, putting the last sock on the heating before nonchalantly walking out of the living room and into the kitchen only for Minho to follow you. And to no surprise at all, in the kitchen you find Changbin, sitting soundly behind the table and eating cereal, his eyes meeting yours and he grins.

"Hey, Y/Nie! Didn't know you were joining us today," he states, making you chuckle.

"Hey, Binnie. Me neither. The weather caught us by surprise," you shrug with a smile, stopping by the sink to wash your hands, Minho's body leaning against the counter by your right immediately, his persistence making annoyance bubble underneath your skin.

"I know you're lying because I know you were the one who called Jisung today. We were in the middle of a game and we lost because of your stupid phone call so don't try me," he states and you stiffen. Jisung stopped playing just because of you? You thought that once he joined the game nothing could get him away from the console. Your heart flutters at it involuntarily, but you remind yourself to keep your cool, since Minho's sharp gaze is now focused fully on you.

"What are you two talking about?" Changbin asks, apparently confused but neither you or Minho pay his question any attention.

"That's what this is about? You lost your game?" You turn to the embodiment of Spanish Inquisition by your side, raising an eyebrow at him.

"No. Not at all. This is about you casually wearing Jisung's clothes, using his shower gel and letting him kiss your forehead in the hallway," he states calmly, folding his arms on his chest while your mouth opens in disbelief.

"What?" Changbin shrieks, standing up so abruptly that he almost knocks his chair over.

"So, dear Y/Nie, what do you have to say about that?" Minho bats his eyelashes at you, leaning closer to you with an all-too-sweet smile on his face, heat raising in your cheeks.

"I-I-," you stutter, not knowing what to do to get out of this stupid situation, until you spot Jisung entering the kitchen, drying his hair with a small towel, apparently unaware of the conversation that just occurred between the rest of you.

"Ah, there you are. I was wondering, where you went," he smiles at you, before his expression drops, apparently sensing the tense atmosphere between you and the boys.

You must look hilarious. Changbin standing by the table, eyes widened and brows furrowed, still awaiting the explanation, while you cling to the counter, looking like a deer in the headlights, your eyes pleading with Jisung to save you and Minho, who's leaned by your side, watching you with wolfish grin, gently thrumming his fingers against the countertop as if to let you know he too is waiting for what you have to say.

"What's up?" Jisung asks, running his hand through his wet hair, something you've always found incredibly hot, but you dismiss completely now as you find yourself still trapped by Minho's piercing gaze.

"N-nothing. I-I've been looking for you. Did you already take a shower?" You try to play it cool, your stuttering making Minho chuckle.

"Yeah. I-."

"Are you two dating?" Jisung's words get cut off by Changbin, who's apparently fed up with all the teasing and beating around the bush that Minho enjoys so much.

"What?" Han squeaks out, his eyes snapping from Changbin to you and Minho, a hint of recognition washing over his face. He knows what's up now.

"Uhm- no?" He offers, making Minho laugh, while you do a facepalm.

"Yeah, very persuasive," the boy by your side states, making you give him a death glare.

"Sure, sure, sure. When were you planning to tell us?" Changbin asks, still apparently shaken up by the sudden revelation but at least he's sitting down again.

"Probably never," you murmur, your eyes meeting Jisung's and he gives you a little shrug.

"Are you kidding? We are your closest friends," Changbin argues.

"Not true. We're each other's closest friends," you deny but he just keeps going, ignoring your comment completely.

"I would tell you if I were dating someone. Especially if it was someone from our group! How can you hide it from us like this? You call yourself friends? This is awful!" He keeps lamenting, throwing his hands around and all it takes is once shared glance with Jisung and you're both laughing, leaving Changbin confused again.

"I-I'm sorry. I'm really sorry," you breathe out between the laughs.

"They went crazy," Minho murmurs, shaking his head in disbelief.

"No, no. Listen-," Jisung tries but he can't stop laughing either, resting his hand on his belly now.

It takes a few minutes for both of you to calm down and catch your breath and you have to really try to push the image of angry Changbin out of your mind because it was always something that could crack you up immediately.

"Fine. Are you done now?" Minho asks and you nod, wiping your eyes and taking a deep breath.

"The thing is- it's still new, you know? We haven't even settled it between the two of us yet. I mean if we are dating or not," Jisung explains and you hum in agreement.

"Oh, please. Of course, you are dating. I bet you've been dating for months now," Minho states and it's your turn to be confused.

"What the hell do you mean?" You ask, raising an eyebrow at him.

"I mean you remember Jeongin's birthday party, right?" Minho asks and you steal a glance at Jisung, who seems completely lost. Of course, he does.

"Kind of," you murmur, folding your hands on your chest.

"Jisung got drunk as hell and if I recall it well, you were the one who shared the bed with him that night," Minho states, your cheeks heating up at the memory.

"We all thought- you know-," Changbin shrugs and you sigh softly. Of course, they did.

"Especially when you were the reason why he was so drunk, right, Sungie?" Minho teases and you can't help but look at the boy in question, his whole face burning as he looks everywhere but you.

"What does that mean?" You ask, not really understanding now.

"Maybe we should give them some space," you hear Changbin saying, but your eyes never leave Jisung. He looks so embarrassed it makes your heart clench painfully in your chest.

You remember the night as if it was yesterday. You were so excited to celebrate Jeongin's birthday, especially when you and Chan were the ones to organize it. That's probably why it all went so smoothly and thanks to the help of others Jeongin didn't suspect a thing, which made everything even better. You invited a lot of people, old friends, new friends, and even the girl that Jeongin had a crush on, which was mostly Lisa's doing since they had a common friend. You were quite busy with making sure everything went as planned and so you didn't even have much time to drink except for two shots with Minho and the birthday boy himself, but it was apparently different with Jisung. You saw him the last time probably when you were all singing happy birthday to Jeongin, holding the cake Felix baked together but then he disappeared in the crowd for about an hour and when you met him again, he was wasted. And by that you mean he wasn't even able to talk and stand properly. You didn't understand how he could get so drunk over such a short period of time but you didn't question it further, because you knew as his best friend it was your task to take care of him anyways. You had agreed with Jeongin and Chan before that you two will stay over at their place since it's quite on the opposite side of the city than your apartments are and you were really grateful for it that night because there was no way you'd be able to get Jisung into the elevator yet alone over the whole city to his apartment.

You somehow managed to talk him into retiring early and at least taking a short nap to sober up a bit. He eventually agreed, even though it took all you had and with Seungmin's help you dragged him into the spare room where you already had mattresses ready on the floor to sleep on. Seungmin left you two alone almost immediately, dissipating like a shadow, so you had to help Jisung undress all by yourself. He was constantly whining about you being 'such a mom' and a 'party pooper' for dragging him away, but you didn't budge. When you finally tugged him in like a baby, you got up, ready to leave too, but then he spoke up again, in a tone so much different than before.

"Please don't leave."

It tugged on your heart more than you were willing to admit and so you agreed to stay with him, settling on your mattress that was right next to his. He pulled you closer almost immediately, your body flush to his own as he buried his face into your neck, making your whole body stiffen completely.

"I- I love you so much, Y/Nie. You'll never know. I'm sorry for being such an ass about it. I always wanted to tell you, but I'm a coward. Please, don't leave me."

Even though his words were slurred, he sounded so pained and so desperate, as if on the verge of tears, making your heart ache. All you were able to do in the moment was wrap your arms around his form and hold him close, while a single word escaped your tight throat.

"Never."

Minho's protests take you out of your head and you realize Jisung's now gazing at you too and it's your turn to avoid his gaze, your cheeks burning. You know he probably doesn't remember anything from that night, you figured as much since he never spoke of it again and seemed genuinely oblivious when you tried to ask him about it subtly.

Once Minho's complaining dies somewhere down the hall and you hear the door closing, you dare to take a peek at Jisung.

"So- could you please explain what Minho meant by that?" You ask, keeping your voice soft and even, hoping that would give Sung at least a fraction of assurance that you mean no harm by your question.

"I- uhm- yeah. He was right. I got drunk because of you," he shrugs softly, leaning against the small kitchen island, his eyes meeting yours shyly.

"Why though?" You murmur, still not understanding a single thing.

"Because of that dumbass Ryan. You know, the guy who asked you out a few days before the party? I was- I was unable to tell you how I felt because I was so scared I'll ruin everything and he showed up and- I was afraid I'll lose you," he admits, running his hand through his hair nervously.

"So you were jealous?" You ask softly, making Jisung's gaze snap to you.

"What? No. Not at all. I definitely wasn't jealous. Nope," he denies, amused smile forming on your lips.

"Oh, okay. You know, I'm just asking because I was," you state, shrugging nonchalantly as you take a step towards him.

"What?" He breathes out, eyes widened slightly in surprise.

"When you asked Ha-na out. I was jealous. That's why I didn't answer your texts and I acted like a complete dummy," you explain, biting on your lower lip as you stop a few inches away from him, your gazes locked.

"You- you mean it?" He assures and you nod, smiling a bit guiltily.

"Why didn't you tell me then?" He asks and you chuckle.

"I did. At the coffee shop. I wanted to deal with it all face to face. And Chan's encouragement helped a lot," you say and he frowns softly.

"I still can't believe you told him before you told me," he shakes his head and you smack his chest.

"You sound like Changbin now," you state, making him chuckle.

"Okay. You're right. And it's true. I was jealous. I'm sorry I got so drunk at that party. I had to ruin your night pretty bad," he jokes but all you manage is halfhearted chuckle, his words returning to you again.

Should you tell Jisung about it? Should you tell him that you knew about his feelings all those months and you didn't do a single thing about it? What if he gets mad? What if that will ruin everything you just gained?

"What is it?" He asks softly, apparently noticing your blank expression, his hands cupping your cheeks, successfully taking you out of your head and you swallow harshly.

"There's something you should know, Sungie," you murmur, noticing how his soft smile dropped immediately, worry now swimming in his eyes. But you have to say it. You'd hate yourself if you didn't.

"That night at Jeongin's party, you told me something when you were drunk. I- I should've addressed it sooner, but I was afraid it was just the alcohol and that you'd end up rejecting me and I didn't want to make things awkward between the two of us. I'm sorry," you say, dropping your gaze.

"What did I say, Y/N? I don't remember a single thing. Please, tell me it wasn't anything cringy," he states, his tone light and almost teasing, which has the opposite effect than he probably intended, your frustration getting a bit too much.

"You told me you loved me, Sung. All those months ago. And I- I wasn't able to do anything about it because I'm a coward," you state, your eyes filling with tears as you meet his gaze.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be untruthful with you," you whisper, biting on your lower lip to contain the tears.

"Oh, baby. No, no. It's okay. Really. I completely understand. We were both in the same place, remember? I get it. I probably wouldn't tell you either, you know me. It's okay. I promise. Please don't cry," he speaks softly to you, his thumbs stroking your cheeks, brushing away the tears that escape your eyelids, his words soothing your worries effectively.

"I'm still sorry," you murmur.

"Don't be," he dismisses it as he pulls you into his arms, letting you hide your face in the crook of his neck as his hands stroke your back to comfort you.

"I haven't been honest with you either, baby," he states suddenly and you hum softly, prompting him to continue.

"You know how you asked about my lack of sleep? I told you I can't tell you why I'm not sleeping well. It- it was actually because of this thing between us and the thing with Ha-na. I was worried I'm making a mistake and I didn't want to lose you and it was kinda getting a bit too much. It just took a toll on me," he admits and you pull away, looking at him with sympathy, cupping his cheeks this time.

"Sungie, you should've told me. I would've confessed right away," you state and he chuckles.

"Yeah, sure," he muses and you smirk.

"Hey, that's not fair! I would do it for you," you state, making him scoff.

"Yeah, but I would have to tell you about my feelings first and that would make me feel too exposed, when I would be actually aware of it, not like the last time," he admits and you sigh, resting your face against his shoulder.

"We are a bunch of dummies," you state and he laughs.

"True," he nods, making you smile.

"I love you though," you murmur, looking into his eyes now, grinning and he reciprocates it.

"I love you too. Ah, it feels so good to finally say it. I can't wait to get some good sleep now," he murmurs, leaning his head back, contend smile settling on his lips, making you laugh as you smack his chest again, making him yelp playfully, his hands settling on your waist to pull you closer.

"When we are talking about that, you should really go to sleep. It's eight pm already and you deserve some good rest," you state, resting your hands on his shoulders.

"Only if you come with me," he murmurs and you chuckle, rolling your eyes at how cheesy it sounds even though your heart flutters at the proposition.

"If you insist," you state, making him scoff.

"I'm taking the right side of the bed though," he says and you gasp.

"No way! You know that's my favorite," you deny, watching as Jisung smirks deviously.

"The winner picks," he states as he gently shoves you out of the way, before he races out of the kitchen and you quickly follow in his steps, cursing and desperately trying to grasp his t-shirt to pull him back, his giggles filling the hallway as you pass by Minho, almost knocking him down.

"Ya! Stop it! Freaking kids."

His grumbling makes laugh erupt in your chest as you struggle to catch up with Jisung, the feeling of freedom and carelessness from before returning into your veins, now stronger than ever once you two settled everything between you, no worries weighing your shoulders anymore.

It's only you and Jisung, grinning like sillies while fighting over who's gonna get your side of the bed.

And you are sure you've never been happier.

————————————————————

A/N: Hey guys! First of all, thank you so much for all the love you showed me and my Chan fic, it made me so happy :) Today I come to you with something for Jisung because I love that boy like crazy hihi. I just want to say that I already posted this fic once on my old blog but then I deleted it. This is rewritten and a lot longer version of the old fic, so I was just thinking I'll let you know. Again, please excuse any typos and grammatical errors, English is not my first language. I hope you enjoyed this, let me know! Any kind of feedback is appreciated as always. Luv uuuuu

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blackswaneuroparedux · 2 years

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Anonymous asked: What role does humor play in your life? How do you look at comedy and its role in culture? Do you think comedy today is more or less funny as woke culture has its itchy trigger finger at the ready to cancel anyone that mocks it? Is it harder for edgy comedians like Dave Chappelle to remain relevant in today’s toxic society?

Your questions are quite wide and so I hope I can hone in on some of the issues you raised.

I don’t think I’m different from anyone in general in not only loving comedy but also having humour in one’s life. I’ve watched my fair share of comedian stand up sets at comedy clubs and shows (Eddie Izzard, Andy Parsons, Ross Noble, Jack Dee, Stewart Lee, Frankie Boyle and so on).

I try to start my day by watching or reading something funny like an online clip or an article, essay or chapter (think Clive James or Anthony Lane or P.G. Wodehouse) - just to set the tone for the rest of the day. Because let’s face it, one look on the home page of any news media from the BBC or the Economist makes for depressing shitty reading.

Put another way, I’m like the girl who gets up one fine morning and wears a brand new white pair of shoes at school. You just know those white shoes are going to get battered around. They’ll get all kinds muddy shoe prints stomped on it and likely chewing gum and dog poo under it. But least you started the day clean. That’s how I feel about humour in my daily life.

I’m fortunate that I have a close circle of friends who make me laugh and that is precious. We text and send each other stuff throughout the working day. It’s light relief for a stressful day at work.

I try not watch comedy on a plane on my lap top. I think the air stewardess in my business class flight always think I need a sedative because I usually get a severe case of the giggles. I try so hard not to laugh out loud out of respect to the sleeping passengers near me. I just can’t help myself. I wet my knickers laughing so hard.

My perspective on and indeed my insatiable need for comedy in my life can best be summed up by that 18th Century man of letters, Horace Walpole who wrote, “The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.”

For me the best comedy is hilarious and humane but equally brutal and true. Like many people I grew in a home where humour was the life blood of our family especially around the dinner table and just generally goofing off. The jokes to point out our foibles or pratfalls acted like glue to bind us together more strongly. As times goes on and as one matures you also learn to lean into humour as a personal coping mechanism when dark clouds gather above. But it’s also a mark of maturity that you also become self aware of humour as a commentary on things that lie just beneath the thin skin of society.

Humour has been on the minds of thinkers for centuries. My eldest sister who is a neurosurgeon and is interested in humour as a side topic of interest gave me a book on the psychology of humour as a birthday gift. As Peter McGraw and Joel Warner explain in their insightful book, The Humor Code: A global search for what makes things funny, “Plato and Aristotle contemplated the meaning of comedy while laying the foundations of Western philosophy… Charles Darwin looked for the seeds of laughter in the joyful cries of tickled chimpanzees. Sigmund Freud sought the underlying motivations behind jokes in the nooks and crannies of our unconscious.” A good read.

We tend to see comedy through the romantic lens of the one-off inspired comic whose unique view of the world is entertaining. But the focus on the individual witty voice misses the gigantic, political nature of the task of comedy. Comedy isn’t just a bit of fun. We don’t laugh at things unless they cause us very serious problems at other points in life. We can see this in the standard category of jokes: about relationships, family, sex, money, impotence, bowel movements, identity etc. We laugh most readily around things that in other ways are very distressing. A good joke invariably has a relationship with darkness, anxiety and pain.

I’ve always valued humour in people as a precious gift. I love having a laugh and even more if it’s at my expense. Perhaps that comes more readily to the British who appreciate the existential absurdity of life and don’t particularly make an effort to climb out of the hole they fell into…and if they do then we bring them down a peg or two.

But Northern Europeans have an even drier sense of humour, yes, including the Germans (it’s there…somewhere) but in the Swiss it’s totally absent. Norwegians have perhaps the driest sense of humour in Europe and that partly stems from the fact of its social code of janteloven - the idea that you mustn’t think of yourself better than anyone else. Because of this I firmly believe humour should be an equal opportunity offender. Moreover what I love about enjoying a good joke is that one the singular properties of certain comedy when done well is the freedom to explore ideas in an unconventional or counterintuitive way, to subvert society’s norms.

No one does that better than a comedian in culture in flux. As the great George Carlin put it, “I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.“

I’ve always been naturally drawn to dark humour from an early age and I suspect that had a lot to do with being packed off to boarding school at a young age (for my peers it was as young as 7) and just learning to develop coping mechanisms in the face of parental abandonment (or it seemed that way).

However I didn’t know the real importance of dark humour until I actually served in the British army and found humour as a form of therapy to deal with stress and situations of life and death with my army brothers and sisters. Our shared jokes were so off colour and un-PC that we would dare not repeat them in polite and respectable company. But that kind of shared humour served a crucial importance as any soldier will tell you. By mocking dangerous things or the situations you might find yourself with others, humour can embolden us. It helpfully paints what is potentially very frightening as deeply ridiculous. Joseph Heller’s ‘Catch-22’ captures the spirit of the absurdity of it all.

The comic perspective fills a central need of every society; it enables us to cope much better with our own follies and disappointments, our troubles around work and love and our difficulties enduring ourselves. Comedy is waiting to be reframed as a central tool behind the creation of a better world.

Comedy offers us a way of having a better time around things which, otherwise, can feel pretty disastrous. Ideally, in the utopia, comedy and its therapeutic potential wouldn’t be left to chance. Humour would be deliberately cultivated as a benign response to a range of entrenched difficulties. Previously, certain countries had an elaborate carnival season devoted to enforced comic activities. For a brief time, the weak could boss around the powerful, priests and nuns were supposed to hold obscene rituals in their churches, serious people were required to get drunk and throw bags of flour over each other’s heads. Humour wasn’t just left to those who felt so inclined: it was a kind of duty.

Black humour was a means of reducing anxiety of the awareness of death. Historians now know that one of the things that helped the persecuted Jewish community survive the demented Nazi persecution creeping into full blown genocide was humour, often of the darkest kind.

An example well-known joke went like this in Warsaw: "Moishe, why are you using soap with so much fragrance?" - "When they turn me into soap, at least I will smell good”. Jokes about soap were in response to rumours which started circulating in 1942 about soap produced from the fat of the Jews. Other jokes of this kind: "See you again on the same shelf!" or "Don't eat much: the Germans will have less soap!"

Indeed Jewish humour did not die in the Holocaust. In fact, Jews depended on humour to endure the period after liberation, both as a psychological weapon to grapple with what they had endured under Nazi persecution and as a source of coping with the displacement of the postwar period. After the war, humour was a poignant affirmation of mir zaynen do - we are (still) here - a declaration that the Jewish people had not disappeared and indeed could at times have the last laugh.

Does comedy have something to teach us or can we use comedy to teach? That is an interesting question in itself.

When I discuss this with friends across the political and non-political spectrum, some have argued comedy can’t be didactic as its the ultimate contradiction in terms. It’s why they hate woke comedy that often pervades the BBC these days and even the comedy clubs. These friends and I would sometimes go to the Edinburgh Festival to see comedians live on stage. But they say none of what passes for comedy on stage is funny because of the politics of woke.

I would disagree. Not about woke comedy - which ranges from pedestrian to just awful. But I will say that some of the best comedy is didactic. That’s because the best comedy is about revealing hilarious truths.

The ancient biblical books of Jonah and Esther, for example, have comedic elements that are clearly didactic. William Shakespeare’s ‘Much Ado about Nothing’ is didactic. The Marx Brothers’ ‘Duck Soup’ and ‘A Night at the Opera’ are didactic. Mel Brook’s ‘The Producers’ (original only) and ‘Blazing Saddles’ are didactic.

For us Brits, Monty Python is didactic, especially in its masterpiece, ‘Life of Brian.’ For Americans, ‘Seinfeld’ is didactic precisely because it’s about nothing. From ‘The Great Dictator’ to ‘Dr. Strangelove’ and ‘Blackadder series’ to ’South Park’, you will find that great comedy can be didactic.

The problem my friends identified is not that woke comedy is didactic, but rather that the woke side of the moon has no light of knowledge to impart. Woke ‘comedy’ tries to be didactic and fails because it has nothing profound or interesting to teach.

Comedy is not merely an event that produces laughter. A fart is not comedy (although it could be). The difference between comedy and tragedy is tonal. Both stem from the inflexibility of the ego.

This is why for example Shakespeare’s ‘Much Ado About Nothing’ is such a remarkable comedy. The two people who want to be viewed as most principled in their objection to romance are so easily pushed over into love, because their hearts are ultimately farcical. The hilarity stems from the disconnect between their inner and outer selves.

While the ridiculous disconnect between the ego and reality makes us laugh here, it could just as easily make us weep if the situation were changed. The fundamental difference between Shakespeare’s comedies and his tragedies is the ending. Everyone gets married at the end of his comedies and everyone dies at the end of his tragedies. Yet Hamlet and Macbeth are still felled by their own inflexible egos, just as Benedict and Beatrice are made to be wonderful, humorous fools for love by the same principle of human nature.

Comedy’s didactic nature is even clearer when we look to films like ‘Duck Soup’ or ‘Blazing Saddles.’ ‘Duck Soup’ is a scathing indictment of goose stepping fascism (of the real kind and not the lazy insults lobbed over these days) and arguably the Marx Brothers’ funniest film. ‘Blazing Saddles’ does the same for American racism. Neither is necessarily meant to be interpreted along propositional or pedagogic lines. Regardless, those films teach and they teach well. They expose the absurdities of reliance upon authoritarian government and identity politics to solve our problems.

The problem with woke comedy is that woke comics want to convince people to do the right thing, to hold the right view, in other words to moralise if we want to be considered good people - which we all do. But the politics behind woke politics is fundamentally ridiculous. That’s why it can be so easily used for comedy: their core concepts and assumptions (gender and biology in trans ideology or the darker you are on the colour spectrum, the greater your societal victimhood) are easy to mock.

In ‘Life of Brian,’ the Pythons did not mock Jesus. They mocked institutionalised religion. When Jesus appears, it’s in the background, he only speaks scripture, and his portrayal is markedly respectful. Nothing else in the film is respectful - everything else is treated like a huge hilarity. John Cleese said the reason they didn’t try to make Jesus funny is that they didn’t think he would have been funny.

According to John Cleese, Jesus didn’t have an ego to bruise or be inflexible. Yet Jesus was a complete and humble person. If he slipped on a banana peel and fell, he would have found it just as funny as anyone else. That’s because Jesus was self-forgetful. You can’t mock someone who gets the joke. So you can’t turn Jesus into a joke, because he’s not threatened by jokes.

One of the most enduring theories of humour arrived courtesy of the philosopher Thomas Hobbes. It asserts that humour is ostensibly about mocking the weak and exerting superiority. While this is clearly the function of some comedy – anyone who has flinched at a comic’s lame attempt to poke fun at, for example, disability will attest to this – it’s a relentlessly bleak and far from complete explanation of the purpose of humour. It’s better for a comedian to punch up then down.

So the real question today’s politically charged climate especially in the so-called culture wars (more visible in the Anglo-American world rather than in the rest of the world) is who is doing the punching up and who is punching down?

It depends as each side of the political divide claims the lower ground ie they are the weaker and therefore don’t deserve to be punched down upon but they can freely punch up.

Dave Chappelle’s comedy is the absurdity behind the so-called victim olympics that pervades behind woke culture. So making jokes about people of colour by white people is punching down but, as Chappelle alludes, people of colour can’t make jokes about white men in skirts ie trans because that’s now a greater sin and it would be punching down. In accepting the Mark Twain Prize for American Humour in 2019, Chappelle said a good joke is a finely crafted joke and one designed to offend regardless of one’s feelings or of one’s politics. Victimhood in terms of giving personal or political offence has no place in comedy.

I believe a joke is a joke. It doesn’t matter where it comes from so long as it’s funny. If you laugh, you own it.

I personally think much of our popular culture is overwhelmingly left - from Hollywood to the BBC - I don’t think that should be a controversial statement. It’s nearly always been that way as it attracts a certain kind of creative content maker whose values are liberal in the classical sense. There’s nothing wrong in that because this liberalism of the past didn’t necessarily inject itself into the art except in very benign ways but mainly it just told a damn good story or made us laugh because they told genuine funny jokes (from Python to Blackadder and Frasier to the Simpsons).

I think that’s changed now as woke ideology is increasingly the raison d’etat of a new generation of creative content makers. The message is more important than the craft itself.

Anyway, I digress.

Punching down is a charge of course that has been levelled at Dave Chappelle for his many jokes about different groups who have invested a great deal in their identity and also exert their own social and political power. But does he really do that? I don’t think so.

The mainstream media critics publicly hated his comedy special, but the ordinary audience overwhelmingly loved it (if rotten tomatoes metric score of 96% approval is anything to go by). It’s clear that many in the mainstream media had not really watched the show or gave an accurate account. Indeed the mainstream cultural critics in the US and in the UK prevented its readers from knowing that a debate was even happening, let alone what it is really about. If the argument about gender theory is mentioned at all, it is dismissed as a bunch of “anti-trans” bigots - aka ‘TERFs’ - hurting a beleaguered and tiny minority, for some inconceivable, but surely awful, reason.

As one of my favourite conservative writers (and gay rights advocate) and as an authority on the conservative philosopher, Michael Oakeshott, Andrew Sullivan put it really well, as he always does:

“Chappelle’s final Netflix special, ‘The Closer,‘ is a classic. Far from being outdated, it’s slightly ahead of its time, as the pushback against wokeness gains traction. It is extremely funny, a bit meta, monumentally mischievous, and I sat with another homo through the whole thing, stoned, laughing our asses off - especially when he made fun of us. The way the elite media portrays us, you’d think every member of the BLT community is so fragile we cannot laugh at ourselves. It doesn’t occur to them that, for many of us, Chappelle is a breath of honest air, doing what every comic should do: take aim at every suffocating piety of the powers that be - including the increasingly weird 2SLGBTQQIA+ mafia - and detonating them all.

‘The Closer‘ is, in fact, a humanely brilliant indictment of elite culture at this moment in time: a brutal exposure of its identitarian monomania, its denial of reality, and its ruthless tactics of personal and public destruction. It marks a real moment: a punching up against the powerful, especially those who pretend they aren’t. Bigoted? Please. Anyone who can watch this special and think Chappelle is homophobic or transphobic is either stupendously dumb or a touchy fanatic. He is no more transphobic than J.K. Rowling, i.e. not at all, and the full set masterfully proves it to anyone with eyes and ears.“

I would argue it’s hugely reassuring to see the ‘powerful’ laughing at themselves - in this case the LGBTQ+ community’s more shrill and self-righteous social justice warrior activists that brook no public criticism of their conduct against women and other critics who don’t have the power to fight back and are instead cancelled. It is a trusim to say that finding oneself comical is a token of maturity. It means being able to see one’s faults, without being too defensive about them. This, I argue, was one of the messages of Chappelle’s comedy show.

The thing that intimidates us isn’t actually power. It’s power that looks like it’s going to be inhumane: insensitive, unkind power. So we’re intently interested in things that reveal a mature, kindly sort of power.

Humour often provides a mechanism whereby the powerless (or at least the less powerful) can give constructive but pointed feedback to the powerful. Whether the powerful - in Chappelle’s view that would be the trans and social just warrior crowd - can take social commentary masked as a joke says a lot about their level of maturity.

Humour, as one neurosurgeon sister put it, is a form of psychological processing, a coping mechanism that helps people to deal with complex and contradictory messages, a response to conflict and confusion in our brain. Humour that is in bad taste or cruelly targeted at particular groups may generate conflict, but humour is also our way of working through difficult subjects or feelings. In this sense the comedian’s role is not validate our feelings but to make us think.

In olden days, the idea of the court jester - an officially licensed and salaried comic - was built on the importance of humour to the mental health of the powerful. Even if in the council room or around the dinner high table, the leading people didn’t feel much like joking, the jester was required to make barbed, witty and perhaps mocking remarks to deflate pomposity and restore sane perspective. The high table may not be occupied by the feudal elites anymore but by a more egalitarian society now.

Who can disagree with the fact that all of us - leftist, conservative, revolutionary, traditonalist, straight, gay, lesbian, bi, trans, different colours and many creeds - are not in need of our inflexible egos and the self-important pompous bubbles we inhabit from being burst open from time to time?

If we live in a world where everyone demands equality, in other words to sit at the same high table, then we also sign up to be equally ‘offended’ by the court jester, however fair or unfair it may feel.

The shrill of cancelling a comedian is not the answer if we find a joke offensive. We have the right to protest. We can protest by...not laughing. It really is that simple.

Thanks for your question.

#ask #question #humour #comedy #go woke go broke #woke comedy #woke #dave chappelle #british humour #society #jewish humour #culture #jokes #funny #humour is the best medicine #personal

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