#continuous updates my ass when you have to fucking keep them disabled

[ered]

in the latest episode of Adobe Premiere is trash: with the latest update, if your export folder's name has letters that aren't in the latin alphabet, the exported video files turn out broken! Haha!

[hotmouthofgod]

Advice Nobody Asked For From a Person With No Skin In The Game

If you’re a player:

Continue monetarily supporting creators via donations as best you can. Consider targeting your donations to folks with disabilities, chronic illnesses, or other barriers that may prevent them from pursuing traditional work. 

Yes, there are plenty of money hungry fucks in this community who are thoroughly showing their asses right now. There are also folks who are justifiably nervous about potentially losing vital income. I personally think monetizing hobbies is a bad fuckin idea and that doesn’t change the fact that losing income gets significantly scarier the closer to the poverty line you are. As someone who’s been hovering around that line for years, I can tell you even 50 extra bucks a month can make a huge difference. If you see someone struggling, support them. 

If we want more harmony in this community, we can’t succumb to an us vs. them mentality. Some creators make enough money for dinner at the end of the month and some make bank. Some genuinely need that money and others probably don’t. Some have mobility within the workforce and others don’t. There’s room for all of this in discussions on this policy. Absolute thinking is a quick road to conflict and division.  While some people are being shits and deleting all their CC out of spite, others who relied on this for income may be forced to take a break from creating to find other means of work. Imo it’s pretty easy to tell who has to take a break for life reasons and who’s just stomping their feet because they were only in it for the money (the feet stomping ones tend to be pretty loud lol). Prepare for the possibility that some of your faves may not have the ability to continue making content at the same rate and don’t be a dick about it. Don’t put pressure on them to meet your demand, whether you’re offering donations or not. 

If you can’t donate, make sure you show appreciation. Reblog your faves’ posts, send them words of encouragement, go easy on the personalized requests, BE PATIENT WHEN WAITING FOR UPDATES. Whether paid or not, creators are providing you with content that enhances your gameplay, and quality content deserves appreciation! 

For the love of fuck stop posting weird call-out lists like we’re 16 years old on tumblr dot com in 2012 lmao just use your brain and the report form when you need to. Some creators have relied on this money to survive and some are greedy little shits. If both names are on the same list, consider working on your discernment. The tried and true trifecta - report, block, and keep it moving. I swear it works every time. 

If you’re a creator: 

I don’t have any hard data to back this up, but my prediction is that those who can afford to continue supporting you will do so. Don’t panic yet. This isn’t the end! Again, I don’t think it’s wise to monetize hobbies if at all possible but if you’re absolutely set on it or feel it’s your only option rn, consider what you can monetize without violating the policy. Can you offer sliding scale or donation based tutorials or polls for CC? I’ve seen a lot of commission based artists run contests where they pick a random person who’s recently donated and create a quick art piece to that person’s specifications. As long as you’re offering the CC for free immediately upon release, this may be a viable option for you (but I’m not a lawyer so don’t quote me lmao). I’ve seen artists offer things like speed paint videos on their Patreons too, so that’s another idea. Get with your homies and get creative!

Be honest with your supporters. Do you need help with medical expenses? Are you worried about losing money that was helping feed you or your kids? If people can help, they will. And if anyone gives you shit after you’ve been vulnerable, remember the block button is your friend. 

Consider whether your skills may translate to other freelance work. I don’t know the first thing about 3D models, but I’ve heard it’s possible to create them for money! Check in with your friends and see what may be available to you. 

Draw boundaries. If you have to quit or slow your roll on creating to find other work that pays the bills, do it and don’t feel guilty about it. Nobody knows your situation but you. 

Don’t expect anyone to sympathize with your all-caps diatribe about how the entire community is full of entitled assholes who owe you their coin for all the work you decided to do of your own accord. If you don’t enjoy making CC for fun, don’t make it. If you need to find other work, do it. Just don’t subject us to an incoherent rant while you do it lmao 

[kinktae]

(Hope this ask catches your attention lol) 

OK so lil story, I sent in an asked to another author about one of the plot points in their fanfiction because it just was not making sense to me and they answer back in a really rude way, after I sent them another ass saying oh “I wasn’t trying to be rude, like this is just a genuine question. I’m sorry if it sounded rude” and they proceeded to call me a couple of a…… gross names and said if I “wasn’t smart enough to read fanfiction then don’t do it.” This made me feel a little insecure because not that anyone would/needs to know but I have a learning disability which affects how I read. So this kind of thing is lowkey a fear of mine.  not that they would have any way of knowing this, so I don’t fault them for that but it’s just one of those things if you know what I mean. (Also they were getting flack for being rude so they deleted it which kind of made me feel better that people were not just shitting on me, even when some people were agreeing with the writer)

!!ANYWAY MY POINT IS!!

I’ve been reading your stuff since 2018 and I have sent and asks of all kinds including asking you different questions or talking about your story etc. and I just have to say you are genuinely one of the sweetest writers! You never get annoyed when people ask questions, you’re never rude unless someone is being rude to you, and your writing is so good I have never read a piece of yours that I haven’t been in love with. Your blog is really comforting and I just want you to know that like I appreciate your work so much!!!!  i’ve never had the courage to come off of anonymous and I don’t think I would with this one, but if I ever were to come off anonymous it will definitely be on your blog because I know this is a safe space, not just for different opinions about BTS but just in general. So basically I just wanted you to know that I’m so happy I found your blog.  I really hope you continue writing and doing this so long as it makes you happy, I know as I’m sure many people can agree with me that if you no longer enjoy this I wouldn’t want you to force it just because you have a platform.  I hope you’re having a great day Rose and please continue to be the positive person that you are -✨🤍

First of all let me just say my heart actually BREAKS to see you have an interaction with a fellow content creator like that. What the FUCK. I’ve been pretty vocal about this from the start of my blog… I disagree with A LOT of authors on how they speak to their anons. There are several authors on this platform that I refuse to support solely because of the way they speak to the people that support them.

What I’m about to say is not a popular opinion…. I know this…. I know what it’s like to be hounded for updates or have an anon come across with a possibly malicious tone… and I know the hurt that comes from it. But what I’ve harped back then and still now is that I’d rather be kind to someone who has bad intentions, than be cruel to someone with good ones. Not everyone reads every one of ur previous asks. Not everyone even knows to check ur faq. Not everyone knows how to properly communicate their tone through text. So to berate and bully them when they took the time out of ur day to read ur content and reach out to communicate… well it just doesn’t sit right with me.

I’m seen some real bullshit in my days on this site. I’ve literally seen and author say “lol I can write something less than 2k and have my followers begging me for a sequel.” I’ve seen people call their readers names. It’s as if people lose touch with the fact that without their readers, they HAVE no platform. Bonkers.

(KEEP IN MIND IM NOT REFERRING TO ACTUAL HATE ANONS. Fellow authors, YOURE absolutely in ur right to tear them a new one if an anon is being disrespectful and objectively cruel!!)

At the end of the day, everyone is allowed to run their blog how they please, and everyone is allowed to express their frustration how they seem fit, especially when it comes to something as personal as their creative content, but the way that author treated you was unkind and I’m so sorry you underwent that. I hope you can trust that not every ff writer is like that, and can see that many of us are truly grateful for the readers we DO have, no matter the quantity.

You guys are half of the reason I pour my heart into my fics, in hopes that it will resonate with you and perhaps offer a piece of solace or comfort. Yes I started writing and continue to because I love the means of expression it offers, but it was you guys that gave the words I wrote meaning. It was you guys that found reassurance in the bits and pieces of myself that I put into all my characters. This blog is truly my happy place. And you guys are my people. I love you guys and I love you anon. Thank you for sticking around ❤️

[unexpected-readings-of-poetry]

Ao3 Masterlist

Avatar: the Last Airbender

AtLA Masterlist

A separate masterlist post on my AtLA side blog. This list is updated as I upload new works, so I am linking it here rather than having to update and maintain two lists simultaneously

Avengers

Captain (of the football team) Steve Rogers

Tony gets picked on at school, but luckily his boyfriend is there to rescue him (stony)

Colour Me In Love

A side-effect of the Winter Soldier programming leaves Bucky able to see auras. Tony and Steve’s aura’s go pink whenever they look at each other, and for some reason, they both do the same when they look at him. (stuckony)

Doubt

When Tony wakes up to find an extra boyfriend whom he has no memories of, his first instinct is to try to escape whatever weird ass kidnappers have captured him this time. The only problem is, the boyfriend is real, and everyone else backs up the new guy. How does Tony deal with it? And what does his "real" boyfriend have to say about it? (stuckony)

Jealousy

Tony and Bucky flirt constantly, but they don't mean anything by it. Then one day it goes too far... (stony)

Bandom

A Change Of Pace Can Do A Man Some Good [Podfic] - story by wellthisisprettyrisque

Crossover with Avengers

Ryan Ross is the replacement for Pepper Potts because she got knocked up and New York just isn't safe anymore, not for a kid. And after acing the interview, Ryan's put on the job and forced to deal with the worst politicians America has to offer. The only way he gets through it is the amazing coffee joint he has claimed as his own and the cute male barista that smiles way too bright for so early in the morning. Adding Ray Toro's proposal, Frank Iero's relationship problems, Stark's inability to actually talk about all the stupid things in his head about a certain super soldier, he's kinda fucking exhausted.

My own works

All of my original bandom fics are pretty old and most of them are writing that I have outgrown so I won’t be linking them individually, but if you like Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, Panic! at the Disco, All Time Low, Twenty One Pilots and related bands, and if you like soulmate AUs, check out my Ao3 pseud fall_out_eboy

Merlin

Truth or Dare?

Merlin and Arthur’s first kiss

Incy Wincy

Arthur is afraid of spiders

Secrets To Keep

When Uther moves his family into an ancient castle, Arthur finds a boy in the catacombs who seems to have been there for centuries...

Arthur Enchanted [Podfic] - story by platonic_boner

Arthur is cursed to obey Merlin’s orders. Obviously this has very little impact on their lives, since no servant would ever dare give orders to a prince.

Harry Potter

I Wear Your Grandma’s Clothes

After finding out that one of his student's worst fears is another teacher, Remus Lupin confronts Snape.

Distortion [Podfic] - story by DorthyAnn

A magical experiment leaves a copy of Harry’s mind trapped inside a magical mirror. Draco Malfoy has a solution.

Where The Falcons Fly [Podfic] - story by MyNameIsThunder

Draco becomes a healer after the war. Quidditch star Harry Potter shows up at St Mungos much more regularly than he should. At first, Draco thinks it’s just his reckless streak and his post-traumatic death-wish, but is there something more at play? (Note: this podfic is currently not in progress. I may pick it up at a later date but at the moment I have no plans to continue any time soon.)

Dracy Malfoy and the Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminist

Text and audio of an abandoned WIP in which Draco is the chosen one, raised by muggle lesbians, and also transgender. Also everyone else is queer, trans, disabled or a POC because representation is good, actually, and shouldn’t just be added posthumously. The podfic also contains discussion of why I abandoned this story and the fandom.

MDZS/CQL

Wearing Down Every Bone [Podfic] - story by CSHfic and VSfic

After running into Lan Zhan on a night hunt, Wei Wuxian is cursed to live the same day over and over and over.

Original works

Galaxy Brain

Very short sci-fi story in which I use no personal pronouns. Podfic is also available.

[calypsoff]

Thirty Two.

Wiping the tears that fell, I am eating breakfast and I am just randomly crying “what is wrong?” Tina asked, I am back at the home. I came here to sleep because I can’t stay in those beds, my back is hurting so I came here and Chris has done nothing but call me, continues to ask what do I do, what am I doing. It’s draining and then being in this house it’s weird, the home is cleaned. I went into the bedroom and nothing had changed, it’s just clean but I can’t go in there. I feel weird being here “it’s just hard, today is a big day for Chris. I told him he decides what he wants. Either he goes to VA, he stays here or I don’t know. But he’s asking me to stay, he calls me and asks me to be with him. Where am I, it’s making me emotional” Tina cooed out getting off the bar stool, I can’t believe I am crying like this “I am being stupid” I sniffled, Tina hugged me “no way, you’re not being stupid. This is all so hard for you too, why doesn’t he call his parents like that? Not in a bad way?” Tina moved back from the hug “I don’t know, he’s just clinging onto me. And it’s making my heart hurt, I had to come here to actually be able to sleep on a bed, that bed in hospital was awful. But anyways” taking in a deep breath “I need to do this, today is the day. I said to him I will sort it all out for him, to get him home. I want him to go to VA, I want that. I think he will need the help, but they are discharging him today, I need to take some clothes for him. I bought him something new but yeah, it’s been a few days since I’ve cried but it’s been overwhelming for me too” my phone started ringing on the counter “it’s going to be poppa” picking my phone from the counter “I knew it” answering the call “hey poppa, is everything ok?” I smiled at Mel, she is either laughing or smiling in awe “they took that line out of my dick” I chuckled “congratulations, you feel better about it now?” He can stop saying he pees in a bag now “yes but I don’t know how I’m gonna wipe my ass” I groaned out “I love you but no, I’m coming anyways. Just getting some clothes for you, excited to leave?” I don’t think he is “I guess, are you coming now? I’m waiting” he’s cute, where else is he going “yes I’m coming now, talk soon yeah? Love you” I mean I know he will be ringing back in half hour.

Zipping up his duffel bag “so rich, I want this to be smooth. I do not want anyone seeing Chris, we get him in the chair, wheel him out. Get him to the hotel and just decide on what he wants, can we please keep it just quick and fluid. I can’t deal with Chris and then the paparazzi and people watching, please” Rich bowed his head “do not worry, I will make it as fluid as possible for you. Are you all set to go” picking up the bag from countertop, I am nervous seeing Chris. I slept well but I woke up early because Chris was calling me constantly to find out where I am, what I’m doing. The nurses give his tablets early, he then falls asleep and then wakes up early so it’s on me I guess “ladies; I will see you both later, once I dealt with Chris. But pray for me” rolling my eyes “I know you’re nervous about him and his decision making but just say it to him, you want him to go to VA so he is cared for, realistically he can’t come on tour because you can’t look after him. It’s not happening, and it can’t” Mel is so upfront unlike me, I am just so quiet about it like I want him to say I will do it “thanks, but I will update you. Do I look cute, thought I would do my hair and makeup. Look a little pretty, my man is out of hospital with an ugly attitude. Chile pray for me” walking off laughing, if I don’t laugh I’ll cry so yeah let’s do this.

My phone screen lit up as the car jerked on a bump, smiling at the picture of Chris and I that appeared, I love him to death. Speaking of Chris, answering the call “hey poppa” see I knew he would call “where are you? Like how long?” He is in a rush “just like five minutes away” I think anyways “I need you to shave my stubble please” he asks me, he has his friends there “why can’t dumb and dumber not do it?” I asked “I want you” taking in a deep breath “so you can have a tantrum and cry about things, you can’t do this Chris. Have you decided on what you’re doing or not? I am being patient with you and letting you decide but you’re giving me nothing?” I need to be strict with him “I want to be with you, I don’t want my mother doing things like that. I want you to help me, I want you and I told you this, but you are jumping for a tour. You’re running because then you don’t have to deal with me” here we go “who washed you? Who cleaned up your sick, Chris don’t do it. When I come there you better fix your attitude. How dare you” disconnecting the call, he’s going to cause an argument. He’s going to do it because he does this a lot, more so now he can’t move anywhere. His leg is stuck in the air, he’s going to hate it. I fucking bathed him, I cleaned him and fed him, held his hand and was there for him and he says that, I will not cry but that man will do it to me. I get it, he’s hurting, and he hates it but don’t take it out on me when I just want to love you and care of you.

I came just in time actually, Doctor Simone is here “hi” she said “hi” placing his duffle back on the side “I was just telling Chris that we mentioned four to eight weeks, but we are pushing on eight weeks. The damage to his leg, he will need be in rehabilitation. He will get to a point where he will be back to normal and he is walking on his own, but he needs patience in himself, getting annoyed won’t help yourself or your recovery. Medication is important, keep to them all and at the same time with food. Keep your leg elevated, and please I can’t stress this enough. I have seen your leg and it needs time. I don’t want to see you until eight weeks, I am saying eight weeks. It was that or losing your leg and we didn’t want that so yes, discharging you. The tablets for another week, the feeling in your leg will start to come back. If you are in pain with it, which shouldn’t be that way just over the counter painkillers” Chris doesn’t want to hear it, I can see it on his face “will he be ok with flying? He is flying to VA and resting there, he will be back for his appointment” I have had enough of him, I decided “that is fine, just be careful with the leg, elevation. The cast can be heavy too, I told Chris bathroom will be easy for him. Disabled bathrooms will be best, much more space” Chris groaned out “I am disabled thanks, I am done. Get me out now” taking in a deep breath “thank you so much, you have been so great. He will be appreciative when he is better” she came over to me “pleasure is all mine, good luck and take care” shaking her hand “thank you” I have an argument coming, clearly I do because he is going VA.

The door closed behind me, the room is empty, so he has kicked out his friends clearly “you’re going to be lonely with the way you are Chris, she is not saying you are disabled she is telling how to make it easier for you. I have decided you are going to VA, you’re not being here. I have bought your stuff, get you changed, and we go” turning around, I am over his attitude. I just want him out of my hair now, he can annoy his parents. I think he annoyed me earlier with what he said, I am going on tour and I am jumping or whatever. Unzipping the duffle bag, I put his boxers on top, I am not stupid now “let’s do this then” turning to him seeing him cry, he is crying again “why are you crying Chris? I am doing everything I can for you, I am trying my best here. I am sending you to VA and getting you a place that fits you, there is no stairs. It’s nice and peaceful for you to heal” I hate him crying “you’re just hiding me away” stood at the side of the bed “I don’t need your help” he took his boxers from me “and how you suppose you get ready? Ok you don’t want your parents taking care of you, then who? And don’t say me. I am not shaving you until we get to the hotel” he rested his head back, not looking at me, of course not because he has a face on now “eight weeks though, you might as well be single. I am useless, I am in the way. You are paying for me; I can pay for myself. Dressing me like a child, I am fed up yeah. The guy should have just killed me, I am being degraded in front of you!” he spat, staring at Chris feeling myself give up “what do you want me to do? You want me to go and someone else do it for you?” I turned my head to the TV as I heard my name on the news, oh god look at me “they charged him” I said but then snapped out of it, I don’t want to hear or see it. I grabbed the remote “Rihanna huh” turning away from him.

I needed some air and also I called Joyce, I needed to just tell her that Chris will be going to VA so expect him “it has upset me to know he is being that way with you, he is highly emotional. I see it in his eyes, he tries to now expose it, but he is sad, my baby is sad, and I get it. He has been through so much; I can thank you enough for everything you have done for us Robyn. Your love is is pure for my son and I understand how he is right now. So I will wait for him, tomorrow?” looking at my phone “Joyce I will call you back later, I have someone calling me” it’s her own son calling me “ok sweetie, call me back” answering the call “hello” he took his time “I need help” he mumbled “please” he added “you want Rihanna’ help?” he calls me that so I thought I would say it “I want to talk to you too so please” he wants to talk, he wants my help too “ok, I am coming” disconnecting the call “let’s go back in” I said to Rich as I turned back to go inside, I only came out here to get some air. I just want to get alone with him, I hate how he calls me Rihanna because he is seeing me like that, I am Robyn to him, and I want him to call me that but here he is calling me Rihanna. He is being this way because I will not take him on tour with me.

Walking over to Chris’ bed “did you try?” I asked, I don’t think he did, Chris just laughed “no, I can’t even reach. I’m sorry, I always said I will probably always be sorry to you because I do dumb shit. It’s just a lot you know, I am crying a lot. It hurts me so much, I nearly died again. And to know people like that are after you, I am just. My mind is everywhere, I hate that I am like this and then I can’t be a man for you. It hurts” placing my hand on his arm “Chris you are a man to me, you are the love of my life. Looking after you comes natural to me because I know you would do the same for me, I know you would Chris because you have been so affectionate to me. You have scrubbed my back in the bath and then massaged it, massaged my feet. Taken care of me Chris. Nothing is hidden between us, I do not think any less of you. I will be here for you Chris throughout it all, rehabilitation, and everything. The reason I want you in VA is because you can rest quietly and safely. LA is lonely, you have family there. I have told your mother and she is happy; I am sorting you out a home where you can stay for a while. I wish I weren’t on tour; I wish I could be with you. This is hard on me too Chris, I miss you so much, I promise you” rubbing the back of his head as Chris sniffled, he has been so emotional throughout this “promise you will be safe” holding back my tears “promise Chris, I love you. You know that” resting the side of my face at the side of his.

Thank god Rich is strong “you ain’t even that heavy, you skinny” Rich laughed, he picked Chris out of the bed and put him in the chair “not that bad was it” pulling his jacket down “no” Chris smiled, I did the hard work, dressing him was long and slow. It didn’t bug me, but it was a long process “ready to leave” I smiled touching the top of his head, I am so happy to see him alive and well, that is what I want “I would push you but I can’t” lightly stroking his head, Chris looked up at me grinning “you weak like me” Chris leaned into me, his head resting against me “we both weak, Rich push him. Let’s go to the hotel, spend some time together” lifting his hood up on his head “I would like that” he seems a little happier “oh we are spending a day together, like we sleep in a bed together” grabbing his duffle bag “yes poppa, me and you. Before you go VA, I love you” Chris held his hand out to me, grabbing his hand as we started to walk out of this place.

[helly-watermelonsmellinfellon]

I notice you post quite a bit about your family being extremely poor but also are an adult and seem to write a lot. Do you work to help out your family, or are you unable to? There are jobs out there that involve writing if that’s the extent you're capable of, like if disabilities get in the way of normal jobs. The level of poverty you describe your family dealing with is really depressing.

So...

I spent 11/14 years in one Christian School. There was a hiatus of 3 years of me trying out public school but I got shoved back into RBCS in 8th grade and stayed. I did not not want to go but Sperm Donor said it was a punishment for my behavior, so I’d be forced to be around Bible Thumpers every damn day.

Private Schools in America cost money. Tuition for this place was $1500 a year for kids over 10. I found out my mom’s brother John paid all my former years of education there to try and keep me close to the family(since my Nana was my school teacher) and make sure my mom didn’t go full broke.

Sperm Donor was in a pickle himself at the time. He was in the processes of being arrested for stealing nearly a million dollars from his clients(he was a financial adviser). He only took from the very desperate, disabled clients too. One died because her parents couldn’t afford her medication, because he was stealing their money. We were in a tight spot as a result, though I didn’t know enough until later. He didn’t pay my tuition or book fees($100+).

So he’s carted off to prison a month before 8th grade ends and I’m sent back to my mom’s custody. And my principal(also pastor) calls my mom to inform her that she has a $1600+ bill to pay for my schooling. She definitely does not have that and I certainly don’t either.

Next day at school I get cornered about how stealing is a sin and dishonesty is a sin(instead of blaming Sperm Donor because God forbid the man in prison for STEALING be in the wrong here). I’m offered a chance to lower the bill if I go candy-selling with the rest of the students every Friday. I will get half the profits made and it’ll be taken off my debt. So I told my mom I’d help her out and I went and did it. I ended up having to stay in the school another year where the money added on and I went candy-selling on Tuesdays too to try and make up for it. I’d earn about $50 each time so $100 a week was put toward the debt, meaning $400 a month. 

The chick who was the school/church secretary however, was a bitch who had it out for us. Monthly we’d get notices about how much debt we were in with the school, and one month a student would have $457 and the next month on the first day they apparently had $890. If tuition monthly is about $150 for teen, how did the number shoot up so much? Mine kept getting abnormally higher and reaching into the $3,000s. And I told my mom who then bitched at the school. 

The secretary barely finished high school and the only reason she was in that position that she was not capable of handling alone or at all, was because she was kissing the church’s ass. She had sex outside of marriage on school property and got pregnant and was forced to marry him to save her dignity the moment she turned 18. They kept her very close with guilt ever since. Instead of just leaving, she chose to stay and be a bitch to everyone.

My tuition issue plagued me the entire time no matter how much I did. I was so stressed constantly and letters from Sperm Donor who got to write to me in prison, said the school wouldn’t accept his tuition payments when he re-enrolled me. He said he even got his new fiance to monitor a fund he set up before leaving, and sent the money in monthly for the year he signed on. IDK who to believe because he’s a pathological liar, but the church has also been trying for 4 years to get me back into their fold, popping up at my mom’s house uninvited, trying to guilt trip me with Godly reasons, accusing me of being a ‘whore’ who needs to get right with God all because I wore pants, and using my terminally ill Nana as an excuse. They very much would and have actually taken payments without recording them in the logbooks.

I spent my HS years in debt, working hard to get out of it. My HS teacher actually helped me by letting me clean her house once a month and I’d earn $150 in two days because the house was pretty big. I ended up candy-selling more and more days a week and bringing candy boxes home to sell in the neighborhood.

And it seemed to never let up. The numbers did not match. Somehow my debt was always in the $2000s+ but I was making at least $300 a month? My mom finally snapped and said she’d call the cops on the school if something didn’t change. A month later we get the updates to our accounts and the numbers dropped drastically. My Senior Year and I only had a couple hundred dollars left. And the Secretary was suspiciously quiet from then on and kept to herself and left us alone.

Still, I spent the whole time doing candy-selling for them so much, and having to attend church activities for them, that I never got a job. Candy-selling actually brought in more money than what a teen would be allowed to earn anyway. At the time I was so up the church’s ass and scared to make my own decisions that they said I wasn’t capable of making because I was so young, I had already agreed to continue being the church pianist past graduation and they’d agreed to help me fund college so long as I went to the one of their choice with my friends. They had set up my future vocation(teacher in the their school, pianist in their church) and my future husband(Sam most likely) and I wouldn’t have to do anything but follow rules. And as I was scared, I planned to go along with it.

But then they fucked me over a week before Senior Year ended and when June 5th passed and I got my diploma, I peaced out. We changed our phone number, stopped coming to the door when they came by, and ignored their chances at re-connection. And it was months after I got fucked over when they found out they were the ones in the wrong and tried to half ass an apology to me. Didn’t work.

After graduating, my step-dad demanded I get a job finally. Mind you, his failure of a son dropped out of HS & moved to PA with us and proceeded to rely on daddy to do all his work for him. Daddy got him a job at Weis, he faked being sick so much he was fired. Daddy got him another job at Walmart, he took too many days off and he got fired. He moved out of our house and in with his new girlfriend(after milking 3 of their cash already). This one was a trust fund baby(Bree) who was adopted. Her parents paid for her apartment, her nursing education, and gave her a card with $1,000 on it a month for anything she needed. Step-bro moved in and they wasted that whole card name-brand candy in a week. 

She started skipping classes to go out to eat with him. Her parents stopped by to see if she was doing well because the school became concerned over abnormal behavior. They wanted step-bro out of the apartment and the relationship to end because they said he was using her for her money(he was and admitted it to mine and my mom’s faces) and would get in the way of her goals in life. She refused. They said they’d take away her card if she didn’t. Well, they did. And another month went by with no changes and they withdrew the full payments for the schooling too. She dropped out. And finally the apartment a month after that.

So now she’s homeless and step-bro manages to swindle both of them back into our apartment. They have to sleep on the floor in the living room. Daddy got them both jobs at Amazon with him. The pay was pretty fucking good at the time. There was a year in between there where we had money and were contemplating getting our own house for the first time. Things were going well.

Step-dad didn’t try to help me get a job though. I asked for help because my search went nowhere. Those 3 got transportation every day and I was stuck with walking. We lived on a mountain and all businesses were at the bottom 2 miles away, so I applied to all available businesses within 2 miles, either in person or online. Never got any responses. As it was a bust, my mom just said, ‘help clean the house since they’re gone all day and help be my legs to watch your sister and I’ll consider that your rent’. So I did. Every day. And I hated it. And there are a lot of posts on here from then of me complaining about it.

So I asked him for help and he never did. But he would demand to know why I didn’t have a job yet or why the house wasn’t perfectly clean? And I’m like, “Dude, you leave your dirty clothes everywhere. You don’t take your dishes into the kitchen. I clean in the day, you get back in the evening and trash the place and by the morning when you’re gone, it’s all a mess. You only see mess because it’s all you 3 make all day with candy wrappers and soda cans!”

After year he had a seizure on the floor and had to be rushed to the hospital from Amazon. Epileptic issues meant no more work at Amazon because his job was operating heavy machinery and he kept having small seizures weeks later! Without him there every day to keep step-bro and gf on their toes, they started calling in sick together or skipping work with dumb reasons. They got fired soon after. The job hunt was a failure, but daddy was still getting jobs for all of them! Instead of over the table jobs, they now worked under the table, fixing up houses(sheetrock, spackle, insulation, etc...). Still didn’t try and help me get a job. I didn’t know how to do any of that, but gf didn’t either but they taught her how to do it.

Frankly, it got to a point of me being a live-in maid in exchange for me staying under their roof, while step-bro and gf made up excuses to not have to help step-dad. Sick, business, too tired, whatever they came up with. I remained home, handling my sister’s online education with my mom, cleaning the house, handling my sister’s bullies, handling our shitty inspector, and all that crap.

Step-dad takes in a friend of his who was evicted and homeless so he’s sleeping on our other couch at this time. Kind of easy to forget but we felt bad for his situation as it was his girlfriend who fucked him over.

And then step-dad and step-bro opened their mouths on something they should have avoided. In that place we kept to ourselves. There was shady shit going on. Murder, drug deals, drive-bys, etc. Mom and I left them all alone and turned the other way and they left us alone. 19 years in that place. If a cop came by asking questions of the only white person in the joint, she’d go, ‘we know nothing, we saw nothing, sorry’. But step-dad and Junior opened their mouths and one of the newer guys reported the son and gf because they weren’t on our lease. We got evicted after 19 years of good relations with management because someone inserted an opinion in something he should have stayed out of.

So 30 days to gtfo, no one in the house has a real job with consistent pay, we move in with my mom’s uncle for the time being. The house is huge with many bedrooms but to conserve space, I, mom, and my sister bunk in the same room. Mom and Bethy got the bed and I slept on the floor for 2 years. Step-dad don’t know what the eff he’s doing for months. We’re up in buttfuck Egypt. He and the Tweedle dimwits are still doing what they were doing before but now have to drive 3 hours to and 3 hours back just to make it. Mom is doing surveys online to make extra money. She’s trying to do her best while disabled. I’m helping clean the house as my form of payment. The car fails, money that was being saved up to move out, has to go to that. The next one fails too so that has to be handled and we’re in debt now! Christmases and Birthdays are nonexistent. Her Uncle’s new wife isn’t quite so open to us being there and complains a lot.

Step-dad manages to make a deal with a guy he’s working with. He fixes up a house the guy owns, and works for him on more houses after that, and he’ll get a considerably low payment for the rent monthly. He didn’t do much work and lied to mom about what was done and when all was said and done, we moved in and it was a wreck. Worse than it is now but it’s still pretty effin terrible. No kitchen, the bathroom is half-finished still, no insulation, power problems, you name it. It’s bad. But cheap because the lease shows we owe $20 a month instead of $200 because the guy forgot to add a zero when he was drawing up the contract.

Then step-bro and gf manage to convince step-bro’s grammy to move down to PA and rent a house for them to use. They still don’t have jobs, disabled grammy pays for everything. Step-dad’s couch-dwelling friend gets a new gf and moves in with her. Step-dad is driving 3 hours to work and by the time he gets back, he sleeps for 4 hours and then has to leave again. Finally he starts staying at his son’s place because it’s closer and less gas to spend, but that also means he’s taken the car. We’re stranded here with only a mini mart across the street as the only shop for miles! He makes excuses for why he can’t come up. Mom has so many health problems but hasn’t seen a doctor in 5 years because of this. I haven’t seen one in 6. My sister is the only one with regular appointments because they’re necessary for school. If anything, at least she remains unaffected by this crap.

I too have taken to doing surveys now. If I get 500 pts a day that’s a $5 gift card to target which delivers here. One of the few places that do.

I can’t even work at the mini mart because the man has 6 employees for each day of the day. 1 works with him each day but Monday where he works alone because there’s less rush on Mondays.

No matter how I complain it’s not like I can go anywhere. There’s still a roof over my head and I have access to the internet. Even if I’m cold every day, borderline ill, and miserable, it’s better than being on the streets.

Some poor people are very unlucky. We are those people. The ones where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong. Step-dad’s been through 4 cars since coming here cuz they keep breaking down and needing to be fixed. My sister’s been sick every other month. Power goes out a lot.

I cope by whining online.

[dimples-of-discontent]

Hi friends,

I’ve been pretty uncharacteristically silent on here recently but just wanted to send you a little wave and let you know I’m still here and doing ok even though it’s been a rougher month than usual. First, here’s the wave:

Now here’s the update (below cut):

In the past month I had a few very not-great things happen. In chronological order (and actually the order in which they were distressing from least to most):

My aunt died unexpectedly. We were not close at all, though not quite to the point of being estranged (exchanging gifts and cards continued). It is sad, but in a way I really lost her a long time ago. She was a really difficult person with a number of psychological problems including hoarding, meaning her house is a disaster. She was living my with disabled uncle but they had separate schedules and she had her own entrance so she was dead several days before he noticed. These are both my dad’s younger siblings. My parents (75 and 79) have been in Texas for a month now working on the funeral, the house, and arranging care for my uncle (who is deaf and autistic and an ex-alcoholic - he’s never lived totally alone and can’t start now). I haven’t been able to go help because of my chemotherapy (and my full-time job I still work). We’re all emotionally tapped out.

I had to decide within a week whether I ever wanted biological children. The situation is that chemotherapy damages your eggs. I had already had 10 weeks of chemo so really this seems like the kind of thing that someone could have told me during the 2 fucking months I was diagnosed but not in chemo. I mean, I guess the reason no one did is we all kept hoping I could start it right away and if I had wanted to freeze my eggs I would have needed a few weeks. But honestly I think they literally forgot since what brought this up was me complaining about having my period while on chemo (which is unusual - apparently most people stop) and they were like “omg fertility!!”. Anyway, there were two bad options: 1) delay treatment so I could freeze my eggs or 2) take a drug that shuts down all my sex hormones basically causing early menopause in the hope (NOT certainty) that it protects them. Now, I’ve always been very confident in my desire not to have children at all. This was true when I was married and it’s true now. I first said it when I was 23 and now I’m 35 and it’s still true. So you’d think it would be easy and, in a way, it was. But I felt so rushed and there was SO much cultural pressure to say that I should keep every option open that I felt way more unsure than I would otherwise. I decided not to do either and let things take their course. Only NOW it turns out I’m not going to be doing chemo for a while because of my third bad thing so that door may still be open.

My most recent scans to assess the effectiveness of chemo and the status of my cancer were highly mixed. Now, I have a lot of cancer. I have stage 4 (metastatic) breast cancer that was in: 1) a large (LARGE) bastard of a tumor in my left breast that is so big that it hurts all the time because it presses nerves and skin; 2) a lymph node under my left arm; 3) a bunch of small tumors in my lungs; 4) at least one small tumor in my liver; 5) a soft tissue tumor next to my L4 vertebra; 6) my bones at the point at which that vertebra joins the pelvis. That is a fucking lot of cancer. I don’t think people quite get it when you just say “metastatic” or even “stage 4.” It could definitely be worse but it’s pretty bad. This cancer is super fast and super aggressive--it’s a black ops team. Turns out that, like a team of special forces, it’s still fucking gunning for me. The chemo I was on is pretty standard fare because (more bad luck which you can read more about on my cancer blog @pitiless-achilles-wept) I’m negative for all the things that offer additional treatment options. It turned out to work really well on my lungs, which is actually great news b/c that shit was scary, so I only have a couple small tumors left now there. BUT the bastard tumor and one on my liver got a full centimeter larger (FAST growing jeez). Other stuff seems stable and they didn’t it new places, which is also good. But they do need a better treatment for it than this one. So, instead of more chemo I’m joining a clinical trial for something called PARP inhibitors that basically stop DNA repair in cancer cells so that they die. I don’t have any heritable breast cancer genes but I DO have the BRCA1 mutation in my tumor cells. That’s a “somatic” mutation as opposed to a “germline” mutation. PARP inhibitors work really well on BRCA patients with the inherited mutation so the study is seeing if they also work well on the somatic mutation. My fingers are hugely crossed that the answer is YES and I’m hustling to get going ASAP so this fucking bastard cancer doesn’t spread even further in the meantime. But joining the trial involves a lot more doctor visits at a time when I totally don’t feel up to them (since doctor visits involve making yourself a huge pain in the ass to be an advocate).  I’m sort of on my own for this since my parents are dealing with all that other stuff and I’m single AND an only child. I do have great friends, though, who will do things like make phone calls when I can’t stand it anymore. But my goodness, friends, am I emotionally wrecked.

So that’s where I’ve gone. I wish it were better to report and also that I could be writing more here since it does help. But the fatigue I had from treatment plus just the exhaustion that comes with weighty emotional stuff has stopped me. 

I still hang out on here, distracting myself with hellatus meta (and crack) and using Cockles gifs to cheer myself up (which does actually work b/c they are bottled sunshine like 98% of the time). I miss you all and hope you know that I’ll be back when I can. I appreciate the love you send, even when I can’t muster the energy to respond to it. 💜💜💜

[tara-l-blackmore]

Double-Edged

To whom it concerns, I've been lying to you. All along, since day one, no matter who you are, if we’re spoken, I’ve lied to you. I have always lied to you. What's the lie? Easy: I'm a good person. It's the truth. I'm not a good person. I'm not nice. I'm not selfless and altruistic. I'm nothing more than a piece of shit. Anything that stated otherwise was me lying to you. I'm a bad person. I'm not at all what I’ve made you believe. I'm not nice. I'm not good. I'm a mean, bad person. I'm not being a bully to myself: I’m being honest with you. I'm immature and irresponsible, and I'm childish and pathetic. The truth is that I’m a very lonely person during the day. Because I am disabled, it means I’m a housewife. But I can't even do housework, so I’m barely even that. I'm a 35-year-old child. I'm spoilt rotten. I love getting presents. I love being the centre of attention. I love being loved. I'm so lonely that I forget about my age, about how to behave, what it means to be a friend. All I want is to be loved and love back without it being an embarrassment or burden upon anyone. But I am an embarrassing burden. I lose every friend I make, because I barely do the bare minimum of what it takes to be a good friend. I expect people to fawn over me, all while never doing anything of the sort in return. Whatever anyone has said about me is true, especially if they were especially close to me (you know who you are; I’m not wasting time and putting names in, nobody cares). I start out the perfect friend, but the first time I start to show my true self is usually when things begin to fall apart. I forget that nobody wants to know about that side, nobody cares enough about me to want to try, and even when they do, the reward is barely a grain of salt within a bag of poison powder. It's not worth it. I have been offline for most of the past month. I received – and continue to receive – bad news from my doctors, and I’m losing hope. I know people don't hang out with me to be my free therapist, so I’ve been keeping things to myself. I've noticed that, though it's said often, the fact is is that nobody wants to know about my problems. I serve as a sort of advice columnist, and I forget my place. My neediness makes me stupid and blind, and when people show me even a whiff of kindness, I’m ass-over-teakettle from their affection, eager for more and more. I start to lose focus, and I start to use people. A lot. I'm never gross – love in this context is always familial or friendly, never romantic – but especially because I attract a younger audience with my scribbles, I forget that age sometimes isn't just a number, and no teenager or young adult wants to spend their free time listening to some disabled middle-aged-housewife bitch about her problems. So what I’m trying to say is: I’m sorry. I'm sorry I lied to all of you, and I’m sorry I hurt all of you while doing so. In full honesty, that was and never will be my intention. My true intention is to serve as a kind of mentor, an adult friend to ask questions you for some reason cannot ask your parents but need answers to, and urgently. I again refer to the advice columnist part above. It's something I love to do and if I could get paid to do it, I would. But the truth remains, and it simply states that I am not qualified to help people that way. I'm not able to properly give that kind of advice, because I am uneducated and no professional. Hell, I’m not even an amateur. What is truth is the fact that I care about every person in my life who is kind to me. That is real. That is not part of my two-faced life. I truly care, and if I say so, I truly love. But I know that it's not enough, especially once I become comfortable enough to start sharing back. People often ask me to share, and lately, I’ve been refusing. I've discovered a pattern, one easy to see with hindsight, one I perhaps refused to see in that need to feel loved and special. When I do share, and people begin to discover the real me, save the rarest of cases, they all start to freeze me out. I think things are going great, I feel happy to have a new friend… and I lose them, almost right after. Because my shit sucks. But I need someone to listen to me. I can't do this, anymore. I can't be the perfect friend, anymore, the nice, sweet person who will drop everything to help you. I want to be. I yearn to remain as such. But without that ability – the ability to share in return, to ask instead of offer the advice – I cannot remain in that kind of friendship, anymore. I'm very sick. It's getting worse. I don't know how much longer I have. And I know that one of the worst feeling in the world is to be forced to watch someone you care about die – or maybe the whining and complaining will get old, and you can't take the sadness, anymore. I can't guarantee that I’ll be able to be as supportive for you as you are for me, because I’m losing the battle against death and suicide. I certainly don’t want to drag anyone else down with me, let alone make anyone falsely assume – should it happen – that my suicide is anyone else's fault but my own. I just… want to be loved and cared for, and I want to be able to love and care for you in return, the way we both want. If you've outgrown any need for me, and haven't had the chance to say so, I’m telling you that it's okay to go, now. You don't have to keep me as a contact out of some kind of old loyalty to me. I hate that. I don't want that. I want a real friend, not a person who dangles friendship in front of me but never lowers their hand. I'm tired, I'm sick, and I’m lonely. I need help, and I need love. I need a lot of both. And I’m so very tired of chasing after it, of chasing you down, dragging you to me, screaming at you for attention, while you scream back for your freedom. And I’m not saying that nobody already does this. I can think of several people who do not need to know any of this, who do support me back, and who go out of their way to contact me. If you do that, this isn't for you. But this is about a lot of you. So please, if you feel this way, I understand, and you can cut that last tie, okay? I'm not saying these things because I want to be alone. I'm saying them so that, when I need someone to remind me that I'm not alone, someone will actually be there to do it. And so that I can do the very same for them – you. I've been offline and isolated for a while, now, and it's given me a lot of time to soul-search and think over my life's decisions, and what they've amounted to be. One of the first things I became aware of was how unhappy I make people feel, and how terrified I am to trust them as a result. I've spoken to perhaps two people throughout this entire time, and one of them I told to leave me, because of the abuse I’ve been heaping upon them – and how even they don't realise how miserable I make people. I'm aware there are exceptions. But at the same time, this also goes out to those exceptions. I'm giving everyone a “Get out of jail free” card, here, and I mean it. There's a chance I will be going away for a while, soon, and I won't be able to speak to people online for fuck knows how long – a week at least. I don't know how many of you will still be here if/when I come back. So instead of waiting for that to happen while I’m away, I’m inviting you to leave now. As always, I will say nothing, even if we've known each other for a decade. That has already happened, and as promised, because they terminated the friendship, I have not spoken to them or bothered them since. Because when I say it, I mean it. I may be a two-faced asshole, but I have some honour. I have to go to bed, now. I don't know what I will wake up to. No, this doesn't mean I’m killing myself – I’m absolutely not. It also doesn't mean I’m going to delete my entire internet fingerprints, either. I will still write, still interact with readers, and still chat with people who aren't afraid of my bleak sides, or whom have the patience to put up with my bullshit. I can't act, anymore. I can't keep pretending that I have no problems, no hopes and dreams, and no need for comfort and support. I do. I'm desperate for them. And that's why I’m a garbage friend. I'm not ending friendships with anyone. What I am doing is offering you the chance to walk away, and blame me for ending it. It's the only thing I can give you: the satisfaction of knowing you have hurt me deeply, and the ability to claim that I did it to myself, alone. And you wouldn't be wrong. But if I do wake up tomorrow, and some of you are still here… Then talk to me. Prove it. Show me. I'm fine with different kinds of friendships (once-a-month chatters, daily talkers, yearly updates); I just want us both to agree on the level and type of closeness or intimacy we reach (platonic and familial, remember. I'm not interested in romance at all. Zero per cent). I have not been feeling like we are on equal ground with a lot of you, lately. All I want to know is where I stand in your life, so that I know what to expect – and what not to expect. I don't think that's too much to ask. It's late; I need to sleep. I'm done, anyway. I'll probably regret this tomorrow morning, but it's too late to think about it, now. You have the key. Use it or don't – just tell me if I need to lock it behind you. That's all.

[dine-on-nervine]

Have you _____ during this pandemic?

Worn a mask? Of course. I work in retail.

got tested for coronavirus? I haven’t been tested ever. Just temperature scans all over the place.

known someone who died from the virus? I haven’t lost anyone to my knowledge.

gotten the COVID vaccine? I did that a few days ago, with the followup on May 19.

started a new hobby? Not really, just been working on the ones I already have.

hated being stuck at home? I hated the thrifts being closed. I was never “stuck at home”.

worn a mask someone made for you? Yes, my girlfriend sewed me three.

sewn your own mask? Nah, I have a girlfriend for that. :-D

purchased masks at the store? I did that awhile ago and as of today (since I lost the mask I pulled out for the rest of the week somehow) I need to buy more.

purchased a KN95 or N95 mask? Nope. My store sells KN95 masks, but I use the blue paper ones.

complimented someone on their mask? I have done that. And I’ve seen some absolute idiot masks too, like the other day it was “This mask is as useless as the governor” (Inslee’s saving our lives so fuck you, dude!) and the transwoman in a “Trump 2020 - Fuck Your Feelings” mask.

protested mask-wearing? Nope, but I pull mine down a lot when I’m not within sight of anyone.

complained on Facebook? You know it. But mostly about other people. What fucknuts you find in Florida and Kentucky and Texas running things.

read a book? Nope.

had an event canceled you had been looking forward to? I’m sure of it. This will be two RAGS rummage sales and two UPS flea markets and one Packwood citywide rummage sale (going on two?) that didn’t happen.

stocked up on toilet paper? Well, it’s just my ass so when I had the chance to buy some I did, but I think I have 4 left from what I bought about a year ago.

been to the store when it was crowded? It happens.

been to the store when the toilet paper aisle was empty? LOL, yes. Target was wiped out, NOTHING on the shelves. WinCo was okay for nose tissue and paper towels but the toilet paper was catch-as-catch-can for a month or so.

lost your job? Actually I was hired to my job two weeks after the shit hit the fan.

worked from home? Nope.

still had to go to work? Yes. Because someone’s gotta stock those shelves.

went to a protest at your state’s capital building? Nah, that’s for losers.

watched the news for updates on the virus? I read the news and there are always updates, I don’t look for them specifically.

wondered if you had covid? It’s happened. I’ve never run a fever but various other symptoms have shown up. Every time someone asks if I’ve had this or that symptom, I lie and say no because every other malady in the world which causes those symptoms STILL EXIST.

not left the house for a week? Nope. Even when I wasn’t working right after the nation started taking this shit seriously, I was still going to the park at least 3 times a week.

watched YouTube videos? Not really.

spent a whole day watching movies? This has never interested me.

cleaned your house from top to bottom? Nope, too busy and pretty apathetic about it.

ordered something online? Yeah, that happened a few times. :)

ordered a pizza? Me personally, no. I’ve been where pizza was ordered. My girlfriend has much better taste than that so I ate pretty well from various restaurants by delivery.

prayed to God? I conversed with the universe a few times, not usually to beg for anything but to be gracious for what I have and express what I’d like to have happen or want to see come my way. And I’m happy to say that a lot of that did in some way happen.

completely forgotten a holiday that you normally celebrate? Don’t think so.

voted in an election? Definitely voted in the national election. It was the most important one in US history.

gotten to know your neighbors? Nope. A wave and a hello, and I have a new neighbor to the right, but nothing that qualifies as “getting to know them”.

sanitized everything in your home? Nope.

wrote someone a letter? I really should have, just for typing practice.

wished this pandemic were over? Name one person who does not.

been surprised this pandemic has lasted so long? Nope. We have the 1918 Spanish Flu pandemic as an example of how these things work out globally and nationally, so any talk in March 2020 about this being over in a couple weeks was unrealistic -- especially when you have millions of fucknuts who don’t take it seriously, thus spread it far and wide before any serious measures to control it happen... and then, millions of fucknuts who STILL don’t take it seriously and bitch about the control measures and refuse to do them, continuing to spread it far and wide in the name of “personal freedom”.

worried about catching the virus? It’s a reasonable fear, I work in retail! Two of my coworkers caught it and deity-only-knows how many of my customers were exposed/exposiing others.

stayed home because you didn’t want to catch the virus? This was never an option. And it was never anything I chose to do.

been to church? I can’t think of any reason why I’d go to one, other than sightseeing.

watched an online church service? I can’t think of any reason why I’d do that either. One of the people I follow (and like a lot, so this is by no means a slant on her or her beliefs) said something in a survey about singing along with the hymns in the online church service she tunes into. I had a mental image of singing hymns alone at home while watching YouTube...

been stopped by a police officer? This is not something a lot of people want to do, even if it was just a tail light out, at the present time, especially if one is not Caucasian, because racists in blue have not gotten the message to straighten up or get back into the woodwork.

seen a lot of police cars patrolling the area? Nope, though the other day I did see a higher-than-usual number of cops around when I was out driving and it wasn’t even the end-of-month ticket quota.

had someone cough on you out in public? Nope, but someone would probably get laid out flat if they did that to me.

has someone stand less than six feet away from you while waiting in line? Yeah, and there were a couple times I was at the market maintaining the proper distance at the checkstand line and some fuck stepped in front of me.

had to use an inhaler? Never needed one.

been to the doctor? Dentist, a few times in the last month, but I haven’t seen the doctor in about a year and a half.

had increased asthma and/or allergy symptoms? Nope, but since in the last year I’ve started investing in product meant to improve my indoor air quality (Air Cop doesn’t work because there’s no circulation to get the bad air to it, so get an actual ionic system that moves the air) that 5ppb of O₃ that it produces does give me a little bit of a cough.

felt like you were fighting a virus? Not really, just dealing with the usual colds.

been diagnosed with the coronavirus? No.

felt lonely? Hmm, not really. My friends have always been remote, my beloved is nearby, I like being alone when I walk at the park, and I work retail so there’s no lack of human contact (whether I want it or not).

went somewhere with a friend? I do that some some regularity.

attended an online event? I can’t place one.

had a business in your area close down? Yeah, we’ve lost a bunch of them.

received a stimulus check? All three of them.

received food stamps? Nope, I’ve never collected on that. Long been in a position where if I am short on budget I can tighten my belt when it comes to food expenses and have things come out right. Someone asked me a few years ago why I don’t get food stamps since financially I qualified (my monthly expenses definitely exceeded my income by about $100 most months) and I said, “pride?”

applied for disability? Nope, not disabled.

applied for food assistance? Nope.

visited a food pantry? Nope.

had a fever? No idea.

believed a conspiracy theory about the virus? Nope, since if you have several brain cells to rub together you see how stupid a lot of them are. And yet they still keep coming because some people are idiots.

had to take online classes? Nope. That’s my girlfriend’s daughter, a freshman at a state college, though. Going off to college was a big source of dismay for her mother because those two are really close, and then with the pandemic... well, if you aren’t going into classes and must do the work and the lectures online, there’s no reason why you can’t do that at home and at your leisure. So after all these goodbyes about her leaving, she’d come home for a month at a time.

ate at a restaurant? Yes, I still do that. Capacity is at a fraction but I still do that.

walked through a drive-thru? Around here they demand that you drive. Funny that one place had bikes or mopeds on their drive-thru sign and I was like, yeah, no, you don’t really accept that. The building is open so I’m going in, even if it’s for take-out.

had your mask fog up your glasses? The struggle is real!

had to go to the hospital because of covid? Nope. Thankfully.

had to go to the hospital for a different reason? Nope.

used hand sanitizer? It happens out of necessity and my girlfriend sprays my hands every time we get back into the car after being in a store but I don’t believe in using them in regular life.

felt encouraged, joyful, or blessed? I am, I am, and I definitely am.

[anondt-blog]

Obsessed 2/?

A/N: Hi friends! Here it is, another Tuesday, another chapter of Obsessed! I received such great feedback from y’all , so I’m hyped to be releasing this chapter bc I personally think it’s better than the first, lol I have NOOOOO idea when the next chapter will be up, I have a huge term paper and finals and college and YEAH, but I’ll keep you updated... if you care... OKAY ENOUGH TALKING I HOPE YOU GUYS LIKE IT! Thank you so much for even reading like ty ty ty ty ty <3 - A

Warnings: Cursing

Word Count: 3,672 As if a jolt of electricity had ran through my body… 
 “Oh, shit…” I thought to myself. And that thought must’ve been written all over my face because Tate O’Connor, captain of the Long Valley lacrosse team, thought it would be wise to announce the expression I had on my face. 
 “Not gunna sit with your butt buddy Dolan, Alexia?” 
I abruptly turned my head to give Tate the death stare. 
Mr. Woods, my anatomy teacher, added, “Miss. Fahl you’re already a few minutes late to class, have a seat next to Grayson please.” 
I really wanted to do anything but have Grayson as my lab partner for the remainder of the year. I wasn’t ready whatsoever to confront what happened over the summer, at least, in this exact moment. 
“Well, I was thinking Mr. Woods…” I grabbed Sarah Linesman’s shoulder and continued… 
 “I think Sarah and I could really break the house down this year as lab partners, don’t you agree Sarah?” My expression was clear, it read, “just go with it,” but I hadn’t talked to Sarah since freshman year when we had algebra together, and it was only to copy off of her when I wasn’t paying attention in class. 
 Sarah whispered to me, “Um… what are you doing?” I laughed like Sarah had reiterated something funny to me, trying to play as cool as I can, which obviously wasn’t working. While I nervously smiled at Mr. Woods trying to play this off, I caught Grayson in my peripheral vision trying his best to ignore the awkwardness in the air. 
With a light laugh and hum Mr. Woods insisted again… “If you’re done entertaining the class, Alexia, go ahead and take a seat next to Mr. Dolan, Thank you.” 
I lightly pushed Sarah away from me, she threw her hands up in defense as if she were to say, “what was I supposed to do?” 
I made my way to the middle row of lab tables. Taking my seat as slowly as I could, not only because of the soreness of my leg but because it was pretty obvious that Grayson and I didn’t want to even look at each other, now we were only inches apart. 

It was a whole different temperature between us. As if there was steam brewing off of our bodies. 
 Mr. Woods was continuing with his lecture about the syllabus. 
From time to time, I would hear Grayson’s obnoxiously loud sighs, or I would catch him playing with his pen, his arm muscles bulging and the veins in his hands becoming more prominent due to the increased blood flow. 
 
My back was straightened, my arms and legs crossed. Not bothering to make notes because my mind was going too fast at this moment. 
Maybe I could switch classes, or maybe he would try to. We were seniors, after all, and we got priority over every other class. Although, I do remember Grayson and I both discussing last year about how we needed anatomy. And from further information, I recalled there was only one other anatomy class, but it had been full. 

 Fuck. Think, think, think. 

I shifted my eyes to my left sneakily. Grayson’s arms spread apart, his hands meeting his chin. Probably thinking the same exact thing. Were we really going to be stuck together like this for the rest of year? 

 My thought process was suddenly interrupted when Mr. Woods announced, 
“Okay, boring lecture over. If you could I would like for you to get to know your lab partners if you don’t already. When the bell rings you’re free to dismiss yourselves.” 
Chairs began to squeak and feet began to hustle. Grayson’s sudden movement to the back of the lab tables with Tate threw the breeze of his scent in my face. 

“I need you to switch lab partners with me.” 

I could hear him trying to whisper, the roar of the classroom almost disabling me from hearing the conversation. 

 I heard Tate scoff, 
“What the, why? Alexia is smart, that’s a guaranteed A right there.” 
“I don’t care about how smart she is ass clown, just switch with me.” 

 I looked back slowly, catching Tate and Grayson glancing at me. Mine and Grayson’s faces almost sour to one another. Tate’s eyes shifting between us two. 

 “Um, butt buddies is a no go? If I remember correctly you and Alexia were clo-”
Grayson hushed him, 
“That’s not important, bro. Forget about all of that…” 
“Oh, so you don’t mind if I do this?” I heard Tate’s chair move. And without even looking I knew he was about to approach me. 

 Tate O’Connor. Not a bad looking guy, too bad his mouth had to compensate for the loss downstairs. It didn’t help that he was captain either, this had gave him all sorts of bragging rights. I’m being too mean. I’m sure Tate is sweet if he just gave his ego a break and thought about what he said. 

My eyes reading over the syllabus, paying no attention to when Tate sat next to me. 
“Hey, Alexia, how’s it going? How was your summer?” 
I really was on the score board for the amount of eye rolls in one day. 
 I turned my head slowly, giving Tate a seductive glance while licking my lips. 
 “Hi Tate, looking good, did you get bigger over the summer?” Keeping my eyes locked on him, playing with my hair. 
I could see Grayson’s fist clenched, and his eyes felt like darts. But knowing he was watching gave me all the satisfaction. 

 Tate ran his hands through his hair and continued, 
“Heard you’re looking for a lab partner, looks like Dolan wants to sit this one out.” 
With a hum and a nod I confirmed this. 
“No problem, see you tomorrow.” 

The bell rang, and Grayson was the first one out. 
I knew Tommy would come and see me before weights, but I wondered if I would be seeing someone else with him. 

Tate opened the door for me, and I smiled in response. 
Walking passed him to meet Tommy who was leaning against the lockers, talking with another familiar set of hazel eyes and hair that matched Grayson’s warm tones, but with added scruff. 
I approached them both, faces lighting up. 

I opened my arms towards Ethan, Tommy trying to make it a group hug. 
I pushed him aside while Ethan sucked me in for an embrace I desperately needed, laying his head on top of mine. 

“Suffocate me, why don’t you?” My voice was muffled while coming from Ethan’s chest. 
He laughed and released, 
“Oh shit, my bad.” Exchanging looks with Tommy, still smiling. 
Tommy grabbed my books so I could fix my hair while I sent a smile back. 

“Nah, it’s all good. Missed you.” Hitting his shoulder lightly. 
“Would’ve been seeing you later tonight anyways.” 
I raised my eyebrows at Ethan, trying to recollect as to why, 
“Monthly dinner thing? Your mom called my mom about it a week ago?” 

Shit. Had it been that long since Grayson and I last spoke? 

 “Yeah, it’s been awhile…” As if Ethan had crawled inside of my head and grabbed the thought. 
I looked up at Tommy, trying to find comfort through him about the whole situation. 
“Don’t feel bad, Alexia. I still love you like we were kids, punk ass.” 
Ethan’s eyes shifted from me to an approaching body. 

Tommy glanced over, his hand out stretched to meet Grayson’s. 
I tried to escape by slowly grabbing my books from Tommy so I could walk away, but his large hands prevented this. 

Like he wanted to see how awkward it could get between the two of us.  

Ethan greeted his brother, 
“Hey dude, let’s head out?” 
Grayson nodded in response, making it all too obvious that we were trying to avoid any eye contact. 
“Yeah, let’s go Reeds?” 
My head moved quickly to look at Tommy, who I knew would have defended me but this just slipped… 
“Tommy’s walking me.” I hissed, clinging myself closer to his arm. 
Looking up at Grayson, then exchanging looks with Ethan, and smiling back up at Tommy. 

“Geez, put the claws away, yeah? I’ll meet you bros there…” Always trying to make an uncomfortable situation humorous. 
Biting his lips and looking down at me, Grayson smiled back at Tommy with a nod. 
Watching the boys walk away, I sighed into my best friends arm. 
He huddled me into his chest, nuzzling my head playfully. 

“Don’t make me sit at dinner tonight please. Can’t I come over and I braid your hair and you make me that alfredo pasta that can make a nun moan?” 

Tommy hung his head back in laughter, 
“Can’t. I’ve got a date tonight.” 
 “You’re joking… who now?” 
 “Keeping this one a secret, chubs.” 

I squinted my eyes at him, thinking who was left on Tommy’s hit list. 

“Mmm… Matt Soho?” 
He looked down at me with widened eyes and with what I thought would be a gasp…
“No, you’re close though…” 

Seeing the doors to my last class in sight, I guessed another name, 

“Matt… Larson?” 
I paused, waiting for a reaction as to if I was right or not. Tommy does this thing with his eyes when he’s trying to keep a secret. They twitch just barely, but since we’ve known each other for so long, I already knew the answer. 
 “Wow, I’m impressed.” 
 “I know right, been cracking down on this case for awhile.” 

 Tommy handed me my books, giving me a genuine smile and those nice, big doe eyes again. 
I tossed my books onto one side of me so I could place my free hand on Tommy’s cheek, moving his dark, curly hair behind his ear. 
“You are so beautiful, and I’m lucky to have you, you know that?” Just a hint of sarcasm leaking from my tone. 
He grabbed my hand gently, bringing it to his lips, groaning into it with a smile and shut eyes. 
 “Tell me about it when we get married.” Kissing my hand, then turning me around to the doors of my next class. 

 I looked back to watch Tommy head downstairs, sticking his tongue out at me. 
 It’s true though. I really did love Thomas with everything my heart could offer. There wasn’t a thing I wouldn’t do for him, and him for me. I really was grateful to have my soul mate as my best friend. 

If you’re wondering if Tommy and I had ever been intimate the answer is no. I didn’t look at him that way. I was there for Tommy when he found out he was gay, as a matter of fact. He didn’t know if he was or not, so in the 8th grade I planted a nice one on him. Didn’t feel a thing. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 


My head suddenly bobbed from my desk when the dismissal bell rang. My eyes felt so heavy, like rocks had been taped to them. 

Leaving class I received a glare from my teacher, causing me to slightly blush and only walk out faster. Darting sluggishly and a little dazed from my hour nap and to the parking lot to meet Veronica and head home. 
Looking down at my phone and paying very little attention to what was in front of me, I ran into someone I didn’t really have the enthusiasm to talk to. 

“Alexia! I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to run into you… How have you been?” 
 Coach Madison. Sweet woman, runs the volleyball team here at Long Valley High. I’ve known her for a long time due to my involvement of the team for the last 3 years. But, it’s different now. 
“Oh shit, no, that’s my bad, coach Madison. Are you alright?” Rubbing the arm I had rammed into. 
“Oh, it’s fine, those arms are strong from all that spiking, no?” 

I laughed nervously, feeling heat rush to my face. 


 “I heard Giselle made team captain, that’s great.” My tone almost too obvious I was annoyed. 
“Yes! She did, it’s unfortunate you couldn’t come back and captain your fourth year here, I would’ve loved going back to finals with you.” 

 My eyes caught a glimpse of Veronica waiting by the car. I watched Tommy and Ethan approach her, Veronica looking a little nervous when Tommy got pulled aside by a friend. 

 “Well, it was nice seeing you Alexia, please, don’t be a stranger, you’re one of the best volleyball captains Long Valley has seen in a long time.”
 And with a sweet smile and a hand on my shoulder, coach Madison headed to the school gym, I imagine. 

 With a pit of nerves still stuck in my stomach, I was waiting to see Ethan’s other half with him, but nowhere to be found. 

Catching the end of the conversation between Ethan and Veronica, 
 “Yeah, I love when your mom makes that meat loaf,” 
“OooOh, or when she makes those biscuits and they’re all buttery…” 
I cleared my throat, making my presence known. 

“If you guys are done like… foodgasming, I’d like to go home and help ma out with dinner.” Raising an eyebrow to my sister. 
 
 “Oh, please, take it away, the sooner that meatloaf is done the better.” Ethan said with a sly smirk, eyes on Veronica. 
 “Is it just you rolling up tonight, or?” An almost awkward pause while he answered me.  
“You already know Gray wouldn’t wanna miss out on some meatloaf…”
 I squinted my eyes back at him. 
Catching the hint, Ethan cleared his throat, 
“Well, ummm… I’ll see you guys tonight?” 
Throwing a peace sign up.  Veronica and I threw the same signal at Ethan. 
I suddenly felt a pair of hands grab my waist from behind. I screamed and threw my fists in reply, knowing my punches felt something like a wet sponge when hitting Tommy’s large arms. 
“You are so annoying today!” 
“I know, don’t you love it?” Making his way to my front seat so we can head home together. 

 With Tommy’s house in view, he asked, 
“Just save me some of that meatloaf, yeah? I swear she puts crack in that shit…”
 “Only if you come over after dinner so you can come clean up the puddle of tears…” 
 “You are so dramatic, has anyone ever told you that?” 
We stared at each other for a moment, then laughed it off. 
Before driving away I waited for Tommy to make it in okay, just tradition. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

I threw my keys on the coffee table by our door, and kicked my shoes off. Veronica following my lead. 
 “Homework or nap?” 
“Before you nap you both better deal with homework before dinner starts,” my mother, Amy, scolded with groceries in her hand for tonight. 
 “Oh, yes, dinner with the Dolans, can’t wait…” carrying out my words a little too long. 
My mom squinted her eyes towards me, setting the groceries onto the kitchen island. 
 “Don’t sound so excited, I know you can’t wait to see Lisa…” 
“Ethan’s cool too,” Veronica added. 
“And Cam is just absolutely stunning, it’s too bad she’s away for college…” 
 One foot on the steps to head upstairs, carrying my books… 
“Are you both done? I’m gunna start some homework, and I’ll help set the table ma.” 
I received a loud hum from my mom, and an “okay” from Veronica. 

I threw myself onto my bed, my window still a crack open so there was a nice coolness in the air. 
I was trying to think of all the ways to get out of dinner, but a part of me wanted to confront Grayson tonight. Not like, actually confront him but, annoy him with my presence or something. Like when we were kids. 
I laughed to myself, looking up to see an old picture of Veronica and I with the boys on my desk. I mean, Ethan and Grayson. 
 And then suddenly, I felt a familiar knot in my throat. Then my eyes began to water. And I didn’t know why I was crying. 
It could’ve been for so many reasons, as if the flood gates of my mind had decided to open for a second. 
But I decided to swallow the knot, and wipe my nose with my sleeve. 
I wasn’t going to let this get to me, not tonight. Instead, I swore to myself to be neutral about it. I almost felt tired from caring about Grayson, obsessing… not tonight. Camouflage. Poker face. 
 Hours passed, and I knew it was time to help set up when my mom called Veronica and I both down to help set up. 
We probably sounded like a wild heard of elephants or gazelles running downstairs. 
In the midst of setting up, the doorbell rang and you already know who was at the door. 
Being the furthest, thankfully, Veronica opened the door, greeting Lisa. 
I peeped my eyes up for just a second to see him. 
Grayson came in last, hands in his pockets, gray hood over his head. Which Lisa tugged down once they were all inside. I kept my eyes down and continued to set the table myself while my mom and Lisa laughed and poured wine for each other. 
“Do you need help?” 
 I froze. Sometimes I can’t tell the difference between Ethan and Grayson’s voice, but the gray hoodie I could see out of my peripheral vision assured me it was him. 
I looked up, meeting those eyes. 
Handing him the last couple pairs of silverware, then excusing myself to the kitchen to grab plates. 
 We all settled down and finally sat at the table to feast. 
Ethan was directly across from me, Grayson to his left. 
My mom decided to ask about school, which I knew mine and Grayson’s shared class would come up. 

In case you’re wondering, no, our mothers do not know the terms we’re on. If Grayson and I know each other as well as we do, we knew to play it off for the sake of questions about why and what happened. 
“Ethan, Grayson, any classes with Alexia this year?” Sipping her wine casually, the lighting in the room complimenting her glow she was receiving from the alcohol. Ethan abruptly raising his head from his plate of food, 
“Not me, Mrs. Fahl, but yeah I do believe Grayson and Alexia do…” looking at Grayson, signaling him to take it away. 
“Anatomy.” We said at the same time. And while everyone laughed, mine and Grayson’s expressions were flat lined. 
“I’m thinking about switching…” 
 I interrupted him. 
“Can’t. Other class is full… I checked.” sipping my water, deviously smirking. 
 Grayson’s jaw clenched and his grip around his fork tightened, his knuckles turning white. 
There was mild tension in the air, of course we were aware of it, so like the sly guy Grayson is, he decided to try and cast it away before it became too obvious. 
“That’s fine, actually, I heard Mr. Woods is an amazing teacher.” throwing his famous devilish grin right back at me. 
 Strangely, I almost felt my body shudder in response, and heat making itself known in a place I least expected to. 
 “Well, DAMN this meat loaf is good!” Ethan nearly shouting, disrupting my very short and inappropriate fantasy. 
Everyone laughed in response, dismissing the almost… sexual tension between Gray and I. Could’ve been more on my end though. 
Something about that damn smirk.  Grayson agreeing with Ethan, speaking almost gibberish with food in their mouths. 
“You’re both like hyenas! Can we chew first before we open our mouths?” Lisa nearly yelled, trying to dominate over their laughs. 
 “Sorry, mom…” Both of them mumbling, laughter still in their throats. 
“Oh, Lisa, it’s fine, they’re both just comfortable here.” 
My mom smiled, still sipping on her wine, 
“Grayson, how is Giselle? We don’t hear much about her anymore…” 
 I nearly choked on my water, coughing to disguise it. 
“She’s great Mrs. Fahl, she’s actually Long Valley’s new volleyball captain,” 
I knew exactly what he was doing. Seriously, trying to gloat about Giselle? Then rub my face in it? And I knew it was gloating because I could feel Grayson’s eyes on me once he mentioned captain. 
“That’s great, I ran into Coach Madison in the parking lot today actually, she said I was one of the best captains the school had seen…” nearly hissing back, sipping some more water to keep the heat from my throat down. 
 “Key words, had seen…” 
Tension. Noticed. 
I felt the wind from Ethan’s kick underneath the table. Grayson’s eyebrows furrowing in response to him. 
“Alexia knows I’m teasing her, like when we were kids, remember?” 
 Eyes on me now. 
 “Of course, Gray. Actually, that’s funny you mention captain because while you were wetting the bed, Tate snagged the crown.” 
 My tone almost too serious, silence in the air that literally the crickets can be heard from outside. 
“Teasing, right, Gray?” 
 My cheeks are going to be sore from all of the fake laughing and smiling. 
 “These biscuits are the best, Mrs. Dolan.” Veronica mentioned, relieving the tension from the air once again. Saving my dumb ass. 
I zoned out on my plate, the room filled with warm chatter once again. 
My eyes shifted when I noticed Grayson dismissing himself from the table and heading upstairs. 
I pushed my plate away from me and added a fake yawn. 
“Tired, honey?” My mom asked. 
“I’m gunna head to Tommy’s. He just text me to come over so it’ll be short…” I whispered. 
She nodded and smiled, almost too buzzed to care. 
“Oh! Let me pack him some meatloaf, enough for his mom too, such a sweet lady…” 
 While she was doing so, I headed upstairs, swiftly and trying not to make too much noise. 
My hand met my door knob, my eyes shut while entering my room and closing the door. 
 So I didn’t see the “surprise” sitting on my bed. 
 My heart felt like it was in my throat, and I was going to puke it up. 
The air between us felt like pine needles had been prickling me. 
 We both inhaled, the tension was so thick, we had to nearly gasp for air. 
I grabbed my things with caution almost. 
“What do you want… Grayson?” 


[ejohnl]

Life Updates galore! 12/18/17

Wow, what a month it has been! I can’t believe where I’m at right now. I just finished up my last semester of my undergraduate career with a 3.75 GPA which is the highest it has ever been. I worked my absolute ass off to get these grades and I’m so hella proud of myself for it. I really enjoyed all of my classes this year, even research methods which was almost the death of me. I got to know my professors really well and I felt like my voice was being heard by them and my classmates. 

I finished up my fellowship at the University of Virgina a few weeks back and it was an incredibly rewarding experience. I was able to connect with 10 other transgender and gender non-conforming individuals to develop research topics relating to transgender healthcare issues which is so fucking rad. I have the amazing opportunity to work with some of these people in the spring writing grants and planning actual research out. HOW FUCKN RAD?? 

I got recommended by a professor of mine for this LGBT University program sponsored through the Freedom NH campaign so I will be working alongside 16 other LGBTQ+ people learning about queer activism and campaigning for the House Bior anti-discrimination of transgender people in public spaces. This will take place January-March and I’m really looking forward to developing a stronger sense of activism within my community. 

I had a consultation for top surgery and will be HAVING TOP SURGERY January 17th!!!! Everything surrounding this is so incredibly surreal, I’m so thankful for the opportunity that I have to receive a procedure that will help further affirm my male gender identity. I’ve been taking a bunch of supplements to prepare me for the healing process and stopped smoking weed over two weeks ago because it can lead to complications. I’m actually feeling really good about it even though my anxiety has been increasing a bit since doing so. I know that it will all be worth it in the end. I opted-out of opioids because my mother has a previous addiction to narcotics so I will be consuming a lot of edibles post-surgery. I’m really glad that I have the ability to do so safely and legally (thank you Massachusetts you rock). 

On December 28th, 2016 I had my yearly physical with my PCP. I weighed in at 252 lbs and was at risk of developing diabetes, high cholesterol, and nonalcoholic fatty liver disease. This is essentially when your triglycerides are too high and fat deposits form on and inside of your liver. Today I had an appointment and I weighed in at 186 lbs (with no clothes at home I’m about 183.6). I am no longer at risk for diabetes or high cholesterol and nonalcoholic fatty liver disease is not on my doctor’s radar whatsoever. I can’t even begin to believe how different I not only look but how I feel as well. I used to be winded even just going up a flight of stairs or up a small incline on my way to class and now I can run a mile easy. Progress is not linear and my weight ebbs and flows, but I am constantly changing and always on the rise to a healthier lifestyle and I’m very grateful for it. 

I had a minor procedure performed today which involved the insertion of 10 testosterone pellets into the subQ tissue of my glute max. These pellets will last roughly 3-4 months before another procedure will be performed to start another round. I made the decision because testosterone injections were getting expensive. Mass changed their regulation regarding T and will only allow pharmacies to fill one vial at a time. This meant I had to go back to Mass every two weeks to get a refill, which then cost me another copay. The pellet insertion is covered by insurance and only needs to be done every 3-4 months. Less money and less worry = awesome in my book. My doctor says that many of her patients prefer the pellets because it helps to assist with mood stabilizing and reducing ebbs and flows in T levels. I’ll make an update post each month on how this is going :)

I have a full-time job and I absolutely love the individuals I work with. I have learned more from my 6 months working with people with developmental and intellectual disabilities than I ever have any other job. They teach me patience and a deeper level of caring than I thought possible. These guys value the smallest of gestures and are thankful for things that I often take for granted every single day. Without even knowing it, they are helping make me a more thoughtful and loving human being. 

Things are not perfect. I am at home and I do not have access to healthy food or a clean and safe environment to live in. I no longer have a counselor that I meet with once a week which is challenging for me as it has been a major aspect of my support system. However, I am utilizing resources as much as I can. I am on the waitlist for a counselor and am looking at different resources regarding healthy food access for low-income families. I’m finding ways to keep myself regulated using mindfulness and the various support structures I have in my life. I’m in a really good place considering how much I have going on and I am very thankful for everything. 

2017 was a really difficult year for me at first. I struggled immensely with my depression and anxiety. Things got continuously worse throughout last semester and it felt like I wasn’t going to get through it all in one piece. But here I am, thriving in so many aspects of my life and I can’t wait to see what’s to come.

[witchymarvelspacecase]

Voiceless Pt 3

Summary: (Reader Insert) Reader is a mutant/inhuman with a powerful voice (works a little like a banshee / a little like a siren). She’s had it a little tough since discovering her powers. She is found and taken in by Tony Stark and the remaining Avengers after the events of Civil War

Word Count: 1573

Warnings: Typos (sorry), Swearing, angsty-ish, cliffhanger (cause I KNOW some of y’all don’t like ‘em)

A/N:A giant “Thank you” to @17sullivan who read my idea for this fic, then read this chapter and is an all around wonderful person. Thank you for the push love!

And a thanks, of course, to the fabulous @writingwithadinosaur, cause she is just the best human ever!

And to the anon who told me this was one of their fave things I’ve written, I had no idea anyone really cared about it, but since you mentioned it, here is an update :)

Voiceless Masterlist

“What do you mean missing?” you asked Vision when he re-entered the lab. You’d gone there looking for Tony, but Vision had been the only one in the room. He had also been looking for Tony, so the two of you split up to find him, but neither had succeeded.

You called his cell for what felt like the millionth time, still not getting through, as you went down to the garage to see if there were any of his cars missing, but they were all accounted for.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y.?” you called out to the AI.

“Yes, Miss Y/L/N?” it responded.

“”Where and when was Mr. Stark last recorded in your system?”

“He was last recorded exiting onto the roof 3 and one half hours ago.”

“And you have no record of him re-entering the building?”

“No, Miss.”

“Did he have or call one of his suits?”

“No, Miss.”

“What the fuck then?! Did any aircraft approach the tower?”

“No aircraft, but I did register an anomaly. A presence of some kind,” this time Vision responded, having popped up behind you again.

“What kind of presence exactly? Do you have video?”

As it turned out, there was video, only a few seconds of it, and it didn’t answer many questions. Tony had been standing on the roof, then a black and purple blur appeared behind him, and an arm reached out and yanked him back through. The video cut out, and Tony didn’t reappear.

For the next 24 hours, you, Vision, and Rhodey had scoured surveillance footage, the roof, and all surrounding buildings for evidence, but the picture hadn’t gotten much clearer. The blur had been an a person teleporting, so it was an enhanced person who had taken him, but that didn’t narrow the search any. Rhodey had reached out to the government for help, but what was left of the Avengers was on thin ice with the governments of the world. So you didn’t expect much help there.

You’d reached out to Jane Foster, hoping she could help you better understand the blur, or maybe tell you how to reach Thor. She promised to help on the “blur” research, but she had no idea where the Asgardian was. You didn’t even consider calling Peter; he was just a kid, and neither you nor Tony wanted him mixed up in anything else if it could be avoided. Dr. Banner was still AWOL, and Tony had probably burned all his bridges with Natasha Romanoff. You were out of options and terrified.

Now you were sitting in Tony’s office, looking at the phone. Not his desk phone, no, you were looking at the outdated cellphone that Steve Rogers had sent to Tony when he’d arrived in Wakanda. The phone you’d hoped not to have to use.

Tony had explained the phone to you because you’d seen him holding it one day. The door to his office had been slightly open, so you hadn’t knocked, and when you’d entered, you’d seen Tony sitting at his desk, the cellphone in his hand. When you’d asked what on earth he was doing with such an ancient phone, he’d sighed. He closed his eyes and then turned to look at you. He looked sad, then he’d explained the fight between himself and Steve Rogers. How they’d misunderstood each other. How, when Tony found out that Sergeant Barnes had been the one who killed his parents, he had attacked both Barnes and Rogers.

“I didn’t give a shit what had happened to Barnes, all I cared about was that he’d killed my mom.” Tony paused, his eyes closed and body tense. “I knew, I KNEW, that Barnes and the Winter Soldier were two separate things, but I didn’t care. I mean fuck, you wanna talk about issues, I got ‘em all, or I thought I did. But Barnes, man he beats me. But I didn’t care; I screwed up so bad. And Cap disabled me, picked up Barnes, and left. I thought that was the end of it. For a while I held onto the anger. I do that ya know, hold on to anger, or refuse to acknowledge shit if it’s hard, or I did anyway. Therapist says that’s bad for me,” he rolled his eyes open and took a breath, leaning back in his chair.

“But then, a little while later, this package shows up. Had the phone and a letter in it.” Tony pulled open a drawer and pulled out the letter he’d mentioned and handed it to you.

“He forgave you,” you said after reading it.

“Yeah, he did,” Tony still sounded disbelieving, “I still don’t understand it. I was a shit friend; I disregarded him the whole time he was trying to tell me Barnes didn’t plant the bomb in Vienna, then when I pulled my head out of my ass and went to help him... Not to mention the fact that I left the rest of the team in the RAFT.” Tony put the phone down on the desk, leaned back in his chair and raked his hands through his hair.

You put the letter down next to the cellphone and went around the desk to Tony’s side, putting a hand on his shoulder.

“I know you think you’re not worth forgiving-”

“Cause I’m not. I’m not, Y/N. Look at all the shit I’ve done, huh? Wanda and Pietro? MY weapons were used to kill their family, then Pietro dies fighting ANOTHER one of my creations. How do I thank Wanda? I left her to sit in the RAFT with a collar on. A FUCKING COLLAR!” Tony shouts, dropping his hands from his hair to the arms of his chair forcefully. You stepped back, removing the hand from his shoulder.

“I fucked up with Pepper; let her think I didn’t care about her, let her get hurt. I fucked up with Rhodey, got him paralyzed. I AM unforgivable, Y/N. All I do is keep hurting people.”

You’d had enough. You pulled Tony’s chair from his desk and knelt in front of him, making sure he was looking at you.

“Look, Tony. Yes, you’ve made mistakes, a goddamn fuck-ton of them. People do that.” Tony looked about to interrupt you so you put a hand over his mouth and continued, “I’m not saying that the things you did weren’t wrong, or serious, they were. What I AM saying is this, you wanna be forgiven, wanna be worthy of forgiveness? Then learn from the mistakes you’ve made. You’re a genius, but sometimes you act like a dumbass. You’re going to therapy, great. How about taking the shit the therapist says seriously? You wanna stop hurting people? Start running ideas by people; if the idea could impact them, they need to have input before you just do things.” You pulled the hand away from his mouth and sat back on your heels.

“I’m not saying that you ARE unforgivable, ‘cause I don’t think you are, I don’t think ANYONE is. But if you feel like you are, I think you’re gonna keep acting the same way. I think you need to get your head on right, and accept that a flawed person can still be a good person, and then I think you’ll get better.”

Tony had looked so hopeful when you’d said that. Your eyes welled up and you clenched the phone that you didn’t remember picking up.

It was now 48 hours after Tony had disappeared. Rhodey was out of options, Vision couldn’t get anymore information from the video feeds, and Jane had no luck in finding Thor or figuring out the teleporting. The phone was the only life line left. You took a deep breath, leaned back in Tony’s desk chair, and dialed the preprogrammed number on the phone. It only rang twice.

“Tony?” came a voice from the other end of the call.

“Not exactly,” you answered, “It’s a long story, but Tony is missing and I… I didn’t know anyone else to call. It’s been two days…”

“Who are you then?”

“My name is Y/N. Tony took me in a few months ago.”

“Why’d he do that?”

“Well… again, it’s a long story.”

“Give me the short version then,” the voice prompted.

“I have powers, he found me using them, wanted to help me. I’ve been in the tower and compound ever since,” after a moment of silence you continued, “Look, I know you don’t trust me, I get that, but Tony’s gone. He disappeared right off the tower roof two days ago and I have run out of people to call and,” you cut off, choking on a sob that came out of nowhere. You hadn’t slept in two days, had barely eaten, and Tony was still gone.

You weren’t sure when it had happened, but Tony had wormed his way into your heart. He became the older brother you’d never had, and never knew that you’d been missing. Now that you’d had time with him, it hurt to have him gone. And you were scared for him.

A sigh reached your ears through the phone, “What information do you have?”

“Just video of him on the roof, a weird, dark purple, blur opened up and he got pulled through it by an arm. That’s all we’ve got.”

“Alright Y/N, here’s what I want you to do…”

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[jerichocalling]

Hold my sparkly ass for a while I need to rage.

Henna’s around 17, yeah? We were in this group of friends, which, during school time, had a clear leader (other such people in our gang went to different schools). This leader, I’m just gonna call Cuntface, is the one to look at when we drill into the issue on why I’m the one who does 99% of all friendship interactions and not Henna. Cuntface fucking traumatized her by screaming at her out of nowhere for like half an hour, in her trauma environment, aka, her home.

The story goes like this. Cuntface has a sister who was bullied at school by total dickheads for having learning disabilities and being socially awkward (such as the many times she just hug attacked [yes, glomped. Does anyone remember glomping. I bet you do] without consent and even after being told “alright, can you let me go? sorry..” Like Henna was clearly very uncomfortable with that. No one ever intervened, least of all Cuntface.) Henna and the sister would on occasion chit chat about books, manga, drawing comics and stuff, but not to the extent we would’ve had what I’d describe a friendship.

One day most of the family of Cuntface (a lil bro, the sister, Cuntface, and her mom) took us to see Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. All of our other friends had seen it so naturally I was the friend of choice for Cuntface. In the car, Henna is talking about books with the sis - or more like listening to her talk. We were really excited to get to go to the movies, conservative laestadian family, remember? So when we get to the theater and all the commercials have rolled and movie begun - the sister is still talking about goddamn Robin Hood books! Henna shushes her like please, the movie’s begun, let’s continue another time!

Now scroll forward many months. It is the town fair. I’m there with a friend and we bump into the mother and sister of Cuntface. Mother looks at us with this pure hatred seething through her eyes and is really cutting cold with her words, sister acts like nothing’s wrong. We’re like wtf is going on. Cuntface has been ice queen towards us for a long time, snooting her nose up and avoiding eye contact, cutting us out of conversations and we have no clue what the fuck is up with that. “Nothing,” she always says. That evening the group gathers up at the town fair and visits us (we live across a 5-minute walk from it). Everyone but Cuntface acts normal again but it is when they leave, she finally turns and says “You know what, Henna, we need to talk.” She sounds pissed and Henna sheepishly okays and we retreat to our room. Finally we get to hear what we’ve done and mentally get ready to apologize. Then it’s this.

We sit on our couch-bed shaking and tearing up while Cunface stands and whirls her hands and insults at us - for what again? Shushing her sister in a movie theater. We are a monster, how could I, a bullied kid myself act that way?! How cruel we are! How despicable! How disgusting! Our face that was so angelic before has become just fugly! (yes, she insulted our appearance as well) Cuntface has been really doing her best to keep this bottled up (lmao) but now she just simply can’t stand it anymore! She is barely holding herself for punching my face! I am bullying her sister goddamn it and that won’t stand! Even her mother is disgusted by my actions when Cuntface told her about it! (figures why the mom was so suddenly hating me, now she sends hearts on my hi i’m dying fb posts)

We listen to her yelling and screaming and shouting and Henna is unable to get a word in. She shakes and begins crying, first silently then scream-crying and huddling her feet and holding her head I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I’m so sorry oh god I’m so so sorry I didn’t mean to-!

Cuntface says that once I’ve apologized to her sister she’ll forgive me - which I do that evening through deviantArt because I don’t have other means of communicating with her. She answers few days later completely unaware that this had been going on. She really thought nothing of me shushing her and had no conversations about this with Cuntface. So yeah, confused and amused, she forgives me. And so, then, does Cuntface. The queen smiles again.

But I do not forgive Cuntface. That attack, that explosive aggression towards us from seemingly out of nowhere during our trauma time in our trauma environment scarred us deep. Henna is so afraid of setting her friends off accidentally that she rather not be in touch with them. I do most of that while she sheepishly agrees to everything resembling an opinion from her friends, smiling politely and entertaining them with funny YouTube videos, ha ha ha, ah oh no it seems the social spoons have been drained, I’m terribly sorry dear friend but would it be okay if we were to continue this at a later time? Thank you so much for visiting talking asking how I am commenting on my fb update thank you, see, I pushed “like”, I really like you, thank you for being my friend, please, be my friend in the future as well? It’s okay if you don’t though, I can see why you wouldn’t, ha ha ha, I’m sorry, am I being a bother? I’m gonna go. See ya! <333<3<3

I do not fucking forgive Cuntface. That fuck was always openly and unapologetically racist as well. A rude, racist, mean, hypocritical, glorified piece of shit. Not one of us (in the system) has considered her a friend since that trauma and none of us ever will. Not that she’d care anyways. Because she’s Cuntface.

[prophetparadox]

Birds of a Feather Chapter 16: Rising Tensions (A Prompto x OC Soulmate AU)

Chapter 15 <-/AO3/-> Chapter 17

Masterlist

Word count: 2,958

Okay, first off I want to apologize for how long this took. I don’t want to talk about it too much, but I got unexpectedly caught in a situation that kept me from using my computer for three days which lead to the delay of this chapter. It won’t happen again though, and updates on this fic will return to normal.

So here we have the fight, you all know the one I’m talking about. I did my best with this, but even now I’m still worried that I messed up with Gladio. Hopefully I didn’t. I was going to end the chapter off on the second part, but I wanted to at least acknowledge the mine and I didn’t want to end and start two chapters on the train. Because I’m sure you all know what’s happening next. The pain is gonna be real.

Tagging: @themissimmortal, @cupnoodle-queen, @nifwrites, @takuahijackedthetardis, @lunarlapin, and @mini-moogle-queen. Ask if you want to be tagged in future updates.

Neither of them would've thought that things could be more awkward than they were weeks ago, but things don't always turn out as expected.

The five of them were situated in a train, the ultimate goal being to retrieve the crystal in Niflheim, but instead of the camraderie Katia had gotten used to while traveling there was only silence. She couldn't blame them, Altissia had changed their situation greatly. But the silence felt deafening. On top of Ignis' new disability, Noctis was clearly distraught over Lunafreya, and Gladio, well, he just had this permanent scowl on his face that made it hard to even think of approaching him. He was so hard to read at times, and the last thing she wanted was to piss him off by accident.

She looked over at Noctis, who was sitting alone and staring at his hands. She didn't even need to guess what was running through his head, she could already tell. She knew Noctis was close with Lunafreya, he'd always get this sweet smile on his face when Umbra showed up or when he talked about her. He'd also been happy with the idea of getting married to her, so something had to have been there. She had no idea if they were soulmates or not, the thought of asking him just seemed rude in her mind, but she couldn't help but wonder if that had something to do with how broken he looked. She'd heard the stories, of how when your soulmate dies you feel like part of you is gone and how the pain is so severe, but with everything that he'd already lost, this could've been the breaking point for him. She didn't know, and probably never would.

Finally, there was Ignis. She looked at the adviser in the seat across from her, Prompto sitting next to him to make sure he was okay. He was another hard nut to crack. The man kept his emotions locked up. If he was upset, in pain, angry, sad, there was no way of telling. But he had to be suffering inside, loosing his eyesight wasn't the only problem he'd dealt with recently. But he wouldn't talk about it, no way.

Unable to stand the silence, Katia glanced towards Prompto, hoping he would say something. He tried to think, the situation was already tense and he didn't want to make things any worse. "So...we're gonna roll through Tenebrae." he said.

"Not before visiting the royal tomb in Cartanica." Ignis pointed out. Katia had almost forgotten about collecting the Royal Arms. Even though they'd grabbed the ones in Lucis, so much had happened that it managed to slip her mind. They did have a job to do, and that was the next stop. Hopefully nothing else would go wrong while they were there.

A worry crossed her mind. "You sure you're up for that, Iggy?" she asked. The last thing she wanted to do was treat him like an invalid or something like that, but she knew that his condition wasn't going to make things easier for him.

There was a brief silence, as if he was thinking over something. "The wounds have mended. Eyesight's a matter of time." His words were intended to be optimistic, but the tone of his voice betrayed that intent. It was clear that he didn't know if his eyesight would return, but he didn't want to be a burden. She couldn't tell if he was saying that to reassure her or himself.

Gladio got up from his seat behind Ignis and Prompto, walking over to Noctis. "The hell is wrong with you?" he asked, venom dripping from his words. Wherever this was going, it wouldn't end well.

"What?" Noctis asked, slowly raising his head to look at his shield. His own tone wasn't friendly either.

"We're not stopping in Tenebrae. You need to grow up and get over it." Oh no, this definitely wouldn't end well.

"I am over it. I'm here, aren't I?" Noctis stood up from his seat, only to have his shirt collar be grabbed by Gladio.

"Maybe when you're not too busy moping, you can look around and give a shit about someone worse off than you."

Prompto and Katia looked over at each other, both of them in shock and uncertain of what to do. Should they stop it? How could they stop it? "Let go of me." Noctis said, not a demand by any means but it was clear he was not taking this.

"How's that ring fit ya? You'd rather carry it around than wear it?" Gladio asked as Noctis' scowl grew. "She gave her life so you could do your duty, not so you could sit around feeling sorry for yourself."

"You don't think I know that?!" His voice was turning into a yell, prompting Katia to stand up and prepare to step in if needed.

"You don't! Ignis took one for you too, and for what?!" Now they were both yelling. This had to be stopped, before either of them did something they'd regret.

"Enough, Gladio!" Ignis yelled from his seat.

"You think you're a king, but you're a coward."

"Shut up!" Noctis growled.

That seemed to be the breaking point for Prompto, as he stood up and reached for Gladio. "Don't do this-!" he tried to plea, but was pushed away by Gladio.

"Prompto!" Katia shouted, leaning down and helping her boyfriend back up. Now she was starting to get angry. There was no need to take this out on him, especially when he was just trying to help.

"I get it alright? I get it!" Noctis shoved Gladio away.

"Then get a grip! Pull your head outta your ass already!"

"Noctis! Gladiolus! Both of you cut it out!" Katia shouted as she got in between them, sounding like a mother scolding her children. She couldn't take this anymore and she'd be damned if she stood there and let it continue. "Both of you are making asses out of yourselves! You're causing a damn scene and people are starting to stare! I get that this whole thing is getting to us, but could you two calm down for two seconds or something?!"

Noctis said nothing, walking away from the group and heading to the back of the car.

"Noct!" Prompto called out, ready to follow after him.

"Leave him!" Gladio demanded, stopping Prompto in his tracks. Katia on the other hand couldn't give a damn about what he said and began walking in Noctis' direction. She was too angry to care. "I said, leave him!"

She stopped where she was, turning to face Gladio herself. "I'm sorry, but I'm concerned for my best friend here! And last time I checked, you don't tell me what to do anymore." She turned back to where Noctis had gone, but a strong grip took hold of her arm and pulled her back. Gladio held her arm up, keeping her from leaving.

"You're no better than he is," he said, his own anger now taking over. "Do you even know what's at stake here? Or have you and Prompto been too distracted making goo-goo eyes with each other to care?"

Oh, now he pushed it. "I know exactly what's at stake! It's because I do that I'm worried about what's going to happen! Me and Prom coming to terms with our feelings has changed nothing and you know that, you prick!"

Prompto could only stand aside and watch as pain coursed through his arm, knowing that Gladio was holding her too tight. Neither of them were acting rationally anymore. But he couldn't step in and stop it. He'd just get pushed away again. He just wanted everyone to stop fighting with each other.

"How can I be so sure about that?! For all I know, you running into us was no coincidence and you're just here to rat on us just like Eleiza was!"

Katia stopped. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Ignis wince in his seat, his composure broken for just a second by the mention of the hunters name. This was too far. "You're a real piece of shit, you know that?" she asked. "You have the gall to not only accuse me of working for that monster, but also bring up Eleiza when you know how Ignis is feeling about her? What a fucking hypocrite, talking about caring for people worse off when you can't even consider how someone else might feel! If we weren't on a train full of civilians right now, I'd be kicking your ass for this!"

Gladio let go of her arm and shoved her aside. Prompto tried to go towards her, but the shield held him back. "Like you could pull that off," he said, looking down at her. "Maybe you should've stayed behind. You never belonged here in the first place."

Katia could feel the fire flowing through her. She turned around and stormed off, heading out of the train car. Gladio made his way to the other end of the car, leaving Ignis and Prompto there by themselves.

"Go to her, Prompto." Ignis said.

"But what about-"

"I'll be fine. I'm not planning on going anywhere. Katia on the other hand needs you more than anything."

Prompto knew he was right. He walked ahead to where Katia had ran off to, hoping that this could be fixed. They weren't supposed to be fighting with each other. Not now.

----------------------------------------

Katia slammed her fist against the wall, still feeling the anger from what Gladio had said. "Fuck!" she shouted, slumping down to the floor as she felt the train move. She probably shouldn't be sitting there, but she didn't even want to go back in there and there was nowhere else to go. The door opened, but she didn't bother looking up at who it was. It wasn't until she heard them sitting next to her and felt a hand moving across her back that she turned her head, seeing Prompto looking at her with worry. Aranea hadn't been exaggerating when she said he had a sad puppy look.

"You okay?" he asked.

Katia sighed, trying to calm herself down a little before saying anything. "Not really, I'm fucking pissed," she explained, her hands tightening into fists. "Gladio had no right to say those things. Not about you, me, or Eleiza."

"You know he didn't mean any of those things, right? He was just angry," He moved a loose strand of hair, tucking it behind her ear. "You belong with us, because you're our friend. And he knows we're not just staring at each other all the time."

"That doesn't make what he said right. And we both know just how he feels about Eleiza so he meant that. And the fact that he said it in front of Iggy like that..."

Prompto didn't know how to respond to that. He just looked at her arm, staring at the red skin were Gladio'd been holding her. "Is your arm okay?" Maybe changing the subject would help.

She looked at the red marking that'd been left behind. "Yeah, it's fine. A little sore, but it'll pass."

"That's good."

"...Look, I get where Gladio's coming from. Noct does still have a duty to uphold and he's not thinking completely rational right now. But he just lost Lady Lunafreya after trying to find her for so long. It's only natural he'd be upset. You don't just snap out of that so easily."

As Prompto tried to think about how to respond, the door opened again. The pair looked up and saw Noctis standing there. They'd forgotten he was sitting right near the door and probably heard everything that had happened before Katia ran in here. He didn't say anything, just looking down at the two of them. "Just making sure Kat's gonna be alright," Prompto explained. "Think she just needs a moment to relax." Noctis nodded his head before making his way back.

The two of them stayed silent for a while, Prompto rubbing circles into her palm. She leaned her head against him, hoping to find some peace. She began to wonder what Prompto was thinking. Even though she'd calmed down significantly, he still looked worried. Her question was answered before she could ask it as he finally spoke.

"The tomb is just a station away. You think we'll be okay--all of us?"

She didn't know how to answer that. Who knew how long Gladio and Noctis would stay mad at each other? The words that Gentiana had told her back in Altissia still had her concerned as well. "I hope so." she said.

"Something on your mind?"

"...Back in Altissia, Gentiana approached me. She was asking weird things and being all cryptic about it, but she said that you and me would go through some kind of hardships. She didn't say what, but it has me worried."

Prompto left a chaste kiss on her cheek, making an attempt to smile. "As long as we're not breaking up, I think we can handle it," he joked, making Katia laugh a little. "We've been through a lot already, what else could possibly happen?"

"But she said we needed to stick with each other, that we're each others beacon and we were brought together for a reason. I don't understand what she means by all that. It sounds like whatever's gonna happen to us is gonna suck big time."

"We'll get through it. We just gotta deal with this mess first."

"I guess so."

Prompto stood up, holding out his hand for her. "Let's head back to our seats. Ignis is probaly getting lonely. Whatever these hardships are, we'll figure it out when we get there."

Katia took his hand, allowing herself to be pulled up. She was tired of sitting on the ground like that. "I guess you're right. I'm just gonna avoid Gladio for now, I don't feel like fighting with him again." The two walked back to their seats, still troubled and worried. They might be okay, but everyone else was a different story.

------------------------------------

The journey through the mines was tense, an air of hostility still surrounding Noctis and Gladio. Even though they didn't talk a lot, it was obvious they were still angry. Prompto and Katia had no idea what to do. In any normal situation they'd try to lighten things up with a joke, but no one was in a laughing mood. So they just stayed close to Ignis, helping him if he stumbled.

Not even setting up camp for the night was enough to ease things. Gladio didn't even sit by the fire. It all felt wrong. And the worst part is there was nothing they could do to fix things. Both Noctis and Gladio were stubborn, they weren't about to let this go. All they could do was wait.

"Hey Iggy, why don't you let me do the cooking tonight?" Katia asked.

His head turned up, trying his best to look in her direction. "I appreciate the sentiment, but you don't need to trouble yourself. I believe I can handle making cup noodles."

"Seriously Ignis, I want to help. Sitting here doing nothing is putting me on edge. Besides, you can always give me instructions. I'm nowhere near as good as you, but I think with you as my teacher I can handle things."

Ignis smiled. "You're a very caring individual. We still barely know each other and yet here you are, jumping up to help."

"I mean, I still consider us friends even if we aren't that close. And I don't like seeing any of my friends upset if I can help it."

"Is that what motivated you to fight Gladio?"

Katia winced. The last thing she wanted to think about was the things said back on the train. "About that, I'm sorry about what happened. I shouldn't have tried to egg him on like that."

"You need not apologize to me. There is nothing to apologize for."

"But what he said about-"

"I know very well how Gladio feels about that situation. It isn't new to me. What happened has happened, I simply need to move on from it."

"Trust me, you can't move on from something like that. I'm sure she had her reasons for doing what she did, and someday she'll tell them to you. Just hang in there, things'll get better. I just know it."

Ignis didn't respond, leaving Katia to worry about if she said something she shouldn't have. He stood up from his chair and took hold of his cane. "Don't worry about Noct and Gladio," he finally spoke. "They've always had trouble getting along with each other. If need be, I'll end this quarrel myself." He began to slowly walk away.

"Wait, Iggy! Let me help with the cooking!" Katia insisted. Ignis turned back to face her.

"I appreciate your concern, but I need to learn how to overcome this new setback of mine. I'd rather not hold anyone back. Now if you'll excuse me." And with that he walked away.

Katia sighed. Ignis was right, they couldn't be mad forever. But just how long would it last? Even with his words, she still wished she could do something. Anything would be better than what she was dealing with now. She looked over at Prompto, sadly looking through the pictures he'd taken today, feeling slightly happy that she had him here. At least she had someone she could talk to. Thinking over everything that had happened, she was lucky to have him. She didn't even want to think about what could've been. If anything were to happen to him, she wouldn't know what she'd do.

[voltkaizer]

Good-bye... TV-Tropes.

Well... It’s official now.

I’ve been permanently banned from TV-Tropes.org because the mods just couldn’t handle the fact that they had committed a terrible mistake, and that they inflicted disproportionate retribution and great emotional pain upon someone that didn’t deserve it.

And yet... I feel extremely happy, fulfilled, and justified, because despite the mod-team’s best efforts to try to cover their asses and hide the truth behind the backstabbing-shit they did by patronizing me, ignoring me and censoring me, I’ve archived the evidence of their shenanigans so their injustice isn’t lost in the sands of time.

This is the post that got me banned:

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/posts.php?discussion=13037797990A10271500&page=1320#32986

This is the stuff the mods tried to censor in order to “save face”:

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/posts.php?discussion=5cma6iojg5o27puhulc24sje&page=575#14354 ... and these are the censored posts (those which appears a blanked posts “written” by TrollPost from troll post crusher) whose bitting truth they couldn’t handle:

[POST #14373 & POST #14354]

These are the two only posts I couldn’t save before the mods censored the whole thing... but they basically boiled down to:

*POST #14373: Me offering a sincere apology and recognizing my mistake, while humbly and politely requesting the reinstatement of my wiki-editing privileges.

*POST #14354: Me reacting, after receiving a notification that I had a new private message... which I COULDN’T read at ALL, because the mods had disabled my ability to even read&write private messages too.

[POST #14373]

@Fighteer: In that case, there's nothing to worry about, I can 200% guarantee that... I might have said some things that could be misconstrued as me having high-suicidal tendencies, but that was just me being hyperbolic due to the high amount of stress and emotional turmoil I was going through during those days.

Think about this: Can you really blame me for being slightly overblown considering that a very close and important person in my life died very recently?! ... we all at home are coping with that grief the best we can, but even the best armor can be dented by the sheer day-to-day stress (it isn't the “brunt/size” of the problems, but their “recurrence” what wears you out...) that is bound to come your way when dealing with these kind of events.

Besides, I ALREADY AM under professional and constant psychological and psychiatric treatment, (I've been so for 1 or 2 years already, I can't accurately remember right now) and I always make sure to take my medicines. So all things considered, there's nothing to worry about... doubly so since what I want reinstated is JUST the wiki-edit privilege.

As I see it, you (the mod team) is just running out of arguments and "carte-blanches" to deflect my polite and humble petition... unless you want to go ad-hominem and say: "No! We hate you guts for being a persistent and (strangely) clever smartass that's strangely good at debating... for some unholy reason!". (which is kinda obnoxious, but NOT a crime/ban-worthy-offense) The "danger" you're trying to keep users away from doesn't exist; you're judging me with incomplete data and without being fully aware of the true story and extend of the circumstances. (I reiterate, you didn't know I already was under professional and constant psychological and psychiatric treatment, just to name an important fact you gleeful omitted)

I have to reiterate: After 7+ years of service as an always vigilant, constructive, diligent and proactive wiki-editor, it would only be fair for you to concede me that one little indulgence... refusing to do so would only cast light on you being arrogant petty authority-abusing jerks with zero empathy, that refuse to see the whole picture before hastily judging exacting swift and disproportionate “retribution” upon a person who isn't a true danger at all... but a just folk whom had a very bad day, and a small emotional lapsus because of it.

You don't even need to take my word for it... ask the folks back at the Thread that caused my downfall, and you'll see none of them truly considered me a danger... obnoxious, maybe... most definitely... but not a danger. Truth be told, and despite the events that triggered all this, they all just showed that they had good faith in me, and they were sincerely trying to help me get through this difficult stage of grief... and then the Supermods came flying-by, and friggin' ruined everything by pouring more metaphorical gasoline into the metaphorical fire. Good grief, man... good grief, indeed.

PS. Please, stop sending me Private Messages, because I can't read them at all, folks. [my PM privilege was disabled too] (-_-)U Do you even read, broseph(s)?

[POST #14374]

Just a small addendum: As of now, and despite stepping away from the TV-Tropes' user community aspect, I’m NOT cutting human interaction, folks... That would be just silly! I already have plenty of outlets for interation with a lot of (potentially) awesome human beings.

The one thing those don't have, is the ability to reinstate my wiki-edit privilege... which is what this whole fight is about, in the end. My love for this wiki and its wealth of content and valuable information exceeds my grieves with its user community and trigger-ban happy mods

[POST #14377]

...There are only two ways this ordeal is going to end up:

1.- You accede to fulfill my humble, sincere and reasonable request; I regain my wiki edit privileges; you atone for the horrible mistake and emotional damage you inflicted upon me. (banning/silencing the guy that was feeling horrible because he perceived he was constantly castaway, ignored and silenced... your blindness to the whole irony of the situation doesn't cease to amuse me) We leave in good terms, and I return to silently editing the wiki while establishing no personal contact with any of the users, so you won't have to deal with me "contaminating" your precious forums ever again.

2.- You TRULY ban me for good in order to silence me... proving in the process that I was right all along; that you're a bunch of petty short-sighted prejudiced authority-abusing team of mods with zero empathy.

I win one way or the the other... but while the first options leads to all of us leaving in good terms as reasonable adults whom managed to find a reasonable compromise to a delicate situation, the second one just leaves you looking like a bunch of jackasses whom caused a lot of harm to an innocent person... a person that's going to continue his life somewhere else, but that will always be bitter with you, because you ruined something that was so dear and precious to him.

[POST #14378]

...So, I'll ask once again... and I'll ask as many times as necessary... because I won't stay silent, either until justice is done or until my voice is forever drowned by your kill-switches / censorship...

Tell me: What is going to be?

[POST #14379]

I promise... No, I SWEAR upon the immortal soul of my dear grandfather: I'm not going to fucking kill myself just because of a dumb and insensitive mistake done for a bunch bunch of petty, short-sighted, antipathetic mods.

I'm WAAAAAAY stronger than that, you condescending fools. I'm the only one that's allowed to look down upon me... not you, nor anyone else.

...And so it ends... And yet, despite this story having a “tragic“ end, I’m really satisfied and at peace with how it turned out, and even (not so) humbly proud, because things happened exactly as I predicted...

They played dirty and laid very obvious trap that I could see a mile away coming, and then they got “salty”/indignant when I called their shenanigans/bullshit, and exposed them as the scum they are.

The lies, duplicity, petty attitude and total lack of empathy of the mods was captured for posterity, and I walk away knowing I OWNED them so hard, that they had to delete The Truth in order to desperately try cover their assess. Censorship is the tool of the coward, weak and stupid. So much for the Streisand Effect, eh guys?!

In my country, there’s a saying that has become a very important axiom in my life-philosophy:

“La Verdad no peca, pero incomoda.” (translates from Spanish to “The Truth doesn’t sin, yet it (always) stings”)

Looks like truth’s sting really was too much for them to handle! HA HA HA HA HAH! (^_^) Farewell TV-Tropes! I’m glad I got to leave on my own terms, and with no regrets.

Important Update, April 25th 2017:  Unlike those shitty TV-Tropes' mods, I’m not going to censor/retroactively-edit my own words and say I never wrote: “I'm WAAAAAAY stronger than that, you condescending fools. I'm the only one that's allowed to look down upon me... not you, nor anyone else.”

INSTEAD, what I’m going to say it that those words are NOT what I’ll believe-in any longer; rather, what I’ll believe-in is:

-“I'm WAAAAAAY stronger than what you, condescending fools, might ever think; and no one in this world (SPECIALLY me) is going to tell me otherwise! From now on, I’ll believe in my own strength instead of doubting it all the time. I won’t EVER allow for anyone to look down upon me!”

[oldmenkissing]

For day one of stanchez week: Heist Title: Robberies Count As Bonding, Right? Rating: T

Warnings: Mentions of alcohol, swearing Rick was bitter. This wasn’t what he expected when he’d suggested pulling an off-planet heist. And honestly, what kind of bullshit bank security has these bottom-tier security cameras? It’s like Zelta-D Bank of Intergalatic Exchange (translated, of course. There aren’t nearly enough letters in any Earth language to recreate the keysmash that is the native tongue of Zelta-D) was asking to be robbed.

With all cameras turned off, redirected, or now playing old episodes of C-grade Earth soap operas, curtesy of an all-too-intricate droid Rick put together on the way here (honestly, he could’ve gotten away with the kind of thing he put together when he got fidgety, but he’d prepared for a much more interesting evening), the two of them slipped through with the help of the dim lighting. Rick probably would’ve been suspicious about how easy this had been so far, but he wouldn’t be surprised if they were actually just this unprepared. Zelta-D was full of intelligent life in the scientific sense - buildings, economies, cultural traditions, the works - but Rick would’ve been academically and logically smarter than the smartest Zeltian when he was 5. He was almost frustrated with how easy this was turning out to be. “You know you’ve been muttering under your breath since we disabled the security systems, right?” Stanley asked, his lips quirked slightly. “I-it’s only because this whole thing is bullshit! It’s all easy! These guards are so fucking incompetent we could basically just walk right past them!” “Then think of it this way,” Stan began, “the fun of it’ll come with spending the money. Am I hearing Space Vegas?” Rick fought back a quirk of his lips, eventually losing. “There we go! So we hop in, hop out, go get drunk on alien alcohol. Simple as that!” “Y-yeah. Sounds like we got a plan.” Stan grinned at him, continuing forwards towards where they kept the money. It took Rick all of 2 minutes to crack the vault’s code (ZLT-D would definitely not make it onto the list of secure passcodes, who the hell even thought that’d be a good idea?). In fact, the best security measure they had in place was probably the weight of this door, but Stan managed. (And Rick definitely did not blush at his partner-in-crime’s flexing muscles) Within half an hour, they emerged, bags and shirts overflowing with about 67 different alien currencies (they could always exchange it elsewhere), and slipped out undetected. Later on, money sorted and stacked and being thrown around bars and casinos, as Rick sipped at top-of-the-range alcohol from who-knows-where in the multiverse, he was glad he’d agreed with Stan. Seeing the other man’s face stretched with the smile of someone who’d touched rock bottom and could fully appreciate the feeling of having something to spend, Rick felt a strange tug in his gut. Appreciation of something truly spectacular, the contentment of knowing where someone’s been and seeing how far they’ve come, understanding that someone has felt pain, watching them now enjoying themselves. Warmth, fondness, synonyms for affection. Affection, a synonym for liking, for loving. Loving quietly, but loving dearly. As the bizarre mixture of sweet and bitter, with that distinct burn of alcohol, and the viscosity of honey left in the sun rolled across his tongue, Rick thought that maybe simple heists weren’t all that bad after all. —— Rick and Stan had heard word of a traveling exhibit that was stopping by, which had somehow acquired a - simply put - rare space gem, which Rick could either sell for a shitload of money or keep for himself and use for science. Alternatively, he could split the gem, sell half of it for a slightly less shitload, and keep the other half for science (upside being both cash and science, downside being less cash and less science. He hadn’t decided yet). “So, I-I-I attach this to the wires, knock out the cameras, and meet you at the stairs, right?” “Right.” “Yeah, and then w-we fuckin’ leg it up to the room, grab it, portal out…” “Right.” Rick paused, noticing the other man wasn’t paying attention, following Stan’s eyes to his own legs and ass. Rick smirked, deciding he couldn’t blame Stan, because he knew for a fact that he looked great in tight pants. “And then-then we dive out the window, gem in hand.” “Right.” The skinny man made a squeak of barely repressed laughter, which brought Stan’s attention away from his point of focus. “Wait, what?” “Should’ve worn looser pants, huh? Can’t blame you for not being able to focus when I look this good.” Stan’s face turned beet-red. Rick laughed loudly. The shorter man quickly pressed a hand over Rick’s mouth. “Please remember that we’re here to commit a crime. The less attention we draw to ourselves the better.”

Rick nodded, and licked Stan’s hand. “Christ, Rick!” He cried, wiping his hand. Rick snickered. The shorter man sighed. “Look, can we just get this done? I wanna get out before people start getting suspicious of the car.” Rick shrugged, slipped out of the car, and went along with his plan. —— They probably should’ve seen it coming. The Zeltians weren’t the smartest race, but you didn’t have to be anywhere near a genius to figure out that, after such a huge bank robbery, you probably needed to do something about security. The two slipped through a staff door without worry. The thought of The Zelta-D Bank of Intergalactic Exchange having security updates from the last time they’d been there sat in the back of their minds, but when the doorway triggered no alarms, they might’ve got a bit cocky. Which is how they ended up back-to-back, alarms blaring, red flashes the only source of light in the pitch-black of the bank, torch up against a wall and out of reach. Several security guards surrounded them, gun-like weapons pointed at the two of them as they stood frozen. Rick couldn’t count how many guards there were in the short time there was light on them. “Don’t y-you dickbags have fucking torches or some shit.” An angered muttering could barely be heard over the alarms.“You break into our most successful and prized bank-” one grating voice began. “Twice,” Rick butted in. “You break into our most successful and prized bank twice, and you don’t even bother to learn that Zeltians have night vision!” the voice screeched. The taller man groaned. “Of course y-you do.” He raised his hand again from where he’d been reaching for his portal gun. “Rick, come on, maybe we can get out if we co-operate,” Stan whispered. “Unlikely,” Rick scoffed. “You two villains-“ “Villains?!” “-just wait until the Federation gets here!” Rick’s snappy comebacks stopped. There was a long silence. “Rick?” Stan asked, worried, unsure whether his partner’d just been silently shot. “The-the-“ Rick gulped, “‘The Federation’, as in The Galactic Federation?” “What other Federation? Zelta-D only accepts help from the best, after all.” Silence again. “Fuck.” Rick whispered. “Fuck, Lee, w-w-we gotta get outta here before the Federation gets here.” “Why? Who’re the Galactic Federation? What did they do? You’ve never mentioned them before.” “Let’s just say they’ve put a biiiiiiiig target on my back, and I’d rather not die today.” Not here, not when you'd have to watch, not ever when you have to watch. “Hey, uhh, security officer dude?” Stan spoke up. “My name is Kzjyyhgg Zjjklej, Hzzr Zjjklhj to you, criminal!” “Uh, yeah, Hzzr Zjjklhj,” (Stan tried his best at repeating that, he really did.) “before we get taken away, I’d like to try to make amends by uhh… By learning a bit about your culture and such.” The alien made a chirping sound, which Stan interpreted as encouragement. “So you uhh… Mentioned night vision, right? How strong is that?” Kzjyyhgg made another chirping sound, followed by a gurgle, which seemed to indicate enthusiasm. “Well! We don’t like to brag about it,” (tone indicating otherwise) “but we do have much better night vision than some other species. For example, I can clearly see your vague outlines right now.” Relief washed over Stan. “Wow! Impressive! And what about hearing?” “Oh, Zeltian hearing is even more impressive! I can always hear my own breathing. If I concentrate.” “Uh huh. Very impressive. And uh… Seeing as your sight is far superior, how many guards are in this room at the moment?” “Oh! 17, the standard for Zeltian guards.” “Shit,” he whispered. Rick was shifting nervously from foot to foot. Stan could feel the tension in Rick’s muscles, their backs still pressed together. He was trying his best to think of a plan to get the two of them out of there alive. He wasn’t too keep on seeing Rick die today, either.   “Oh! One thing I forgot to mention!” Kzjyyhgg added, “Our vision becomes much clearer with movement. The faster you move, the better we see you! And our reflexes are off the charts.” Fuck. “Y-you-you know, I’m intrigued, tell me more about Zelta-D,” Rick said. “Oh no, I don’t think I want to talk to you.” “C’mon, buddy, dying man’s wish.” The man moved his arms, too far, too fast, and the room echoed with the sound of - presumably - 17 guns being loaded. Rick froze. “Very well then.” The guard grumbled, beginning to tell what seemed to be the entire history of Zelta-D. Perhaps 10 minutes (that felt like 10 hours; Ricks arms ached terribly) the story was interrupted by a thump. “What the-the hell was that?” He received no response. He jumped when he heard the telltale sound of a door being knocked down, a splintering crack, a thump, and dozens of footsteps approaching quickly. Lights were shone at them, and soon after, guns were loaded, orders were given to shoot. Triggers were pulled. Bullets were shot. Rick hit the ground. But he wasn’t dead. He opened his eyes, squinting, not used to any sort of light after what had just transpired. He heard the familiar sound of a portal closing. Rick shot up, looked around, eyes adjusting. This was their hotel room. “Stanley?” “Turn around, dingus.” The blue-haired man didn’t think he’d ever felt such intense relief. “Oh thank god,” he whispered, scrambling to his feet, flinging himself at his partner-in-crime. “Woah there,” Stan chuckled. “We-w-we did it, Lee!” Rick laughed, relieved and delighted. “We fucking did it! W-we survived!” The other man smiled. “Yeah, we did, didn’t we?” “I-I-I thought for sure I - we - I was a dead man when they said ‘Federation’.” Stanley recognised this as something with a story, but not one for now. Now was a time for appreciating the fact that they were both still able to breathe, still able to feel their own heartbeats, still able to just be alive. “Haha! I can’t believe it, Lee! I could just kiss you right now!” Stan paused, blushed, and with the adrenaline still pumping through his body, answered with a smile; “then why don’t you?” Rick’s lips twitched at the corners, before he ginned wide, and pulled Stan’s face up to meet his own. There was more to the kiss than ‘thank god we’re alive’, more than just the adrenaline; this was a kiss they’d been waiting for an excuse for, and now they had one, and they’d started something. This wasn’t just a match being stuck and blown out, this was a match being thrown onto a fire. This was more than just a celebration of survival, but at the same it, that was exactly what it was. A celebration that begins and doesn’t end. But they don’t need to admit to that just yet. Instead, they just laughed, and kissed, and cried tears they’d both immediately deny. Instead, they forgot about the money they’d failed to get, forgot about the Federation, forgot about anything but this, anything but this moment. Because this, this moment was everything.