#cw rsd

[sillywabbits]

meanwhile, in the low-sensory corner fjfjfj

sometimes you just gotta lay back and stare at the ceiling until the bees in your chest calm down and stop trying to convince you that everyone secretly doesn't like you fhfj (and a co-worker with a big cozy lap and affirming words doesn't hurt ☀️❤️)

[i-forget-nothing]

Thinking about cynicism, friendship, and autism. (This is longer than I thought it was gonna be; have an essay on this fine Thursday morning, I guess, yikes.)

When I was around eight, I had a sudden realization that some kids I had previously perceived as friendly or at least neutral were, in fact, actually making fun of me pretty consistently and had been doing so for months. It was my first experience with social interactions that could not be taken at face value, and I was genuinely shocked. (I didn’t understand why they were being mean to me when I hadn’t done anything to them. It was years before I realized it was fun for them to mock me exactly because I didn’t get they were mocking me.)

From third grade through eighth grade, most of my peers made fun of me—usually in ways I could pick up on, though not always. After that first experience, I was more on guard for it. But that didn’t stop it from happening; I was too different (too overweight, too smart, too socially awkward, too weird) and easily hurt, and so I made for an easy target. I learned not to trust people. I did not make friends easily. In high school, several things changed: I developed a thicker skin and a sharper wit for comebacks, and I suddenly had friends: fellow weirdo nerds, a whole group of them. Those things helped tremendously. And then in the summer after my sophomore year, I went to a summer program for music, and some kids I had thought of as friendly or at least neutral carved a really unflattering image on a wooden stair rail in the dorm we were staying in and carved my name beneath it (referencing SNL’s Pat character, leading me to absolutely despise that character forever). When I saw it, it was like a punch to the gut, that they could be polite and friendly enough and then do that in a place where they knew I’d see it (and so would everyone else, presumably also laughing). Lots has happened between then and now, and today, as an adult in my forties, I have a small number of genuine friends whom I trust and can reach out to. But I have never made friends easily. It’s hard for me to believe people actually like me, to trust that they’re really my friends. There’s always a voice in the back of my mind that wonders whether they secretly are annoyed with me or don’t actually like me that much. That worries I’m too weird even for the people who seem to put up with me most of the time. I don’t have any good answers; maybe there aren’t any. But I do really value the people who are genuine friends.

[gund-arminc]

i say a lot of words without actually saying anything and im just being stupid and useless and adding nothing to anything cause that's my lot. always done it.

[heyitsharbor]

fucking just. need to vent. about a lot of things. so tags have some cws. dont read unless you really want to lmfao

one time i actually feel like i have something i need to talk to my therapist abt and i cant for two weeks. and thats if he wont message me to say 'hey can we reschedule bc its labor day' even tho he has the day open on his scheduler. and then itll be 3 weeks bc i have no other days i can see him.

and i just. like. sorry! i cant. like. yeah. whatever. im allowed to be sad. doesnt mean it helps to be sad with no way to fucking deal with it because i dont fucking know how to process grief especially not alone. my family doesnt process shit unless im the one handling it for them so yeah ill comfort my mom about how hard it is for her now my cats gone .

and ill push and push and push for our other cat to get her appt bc my dad doesnt fucking think its necessary to go to the vet for an ear infection (because he doesnt go to the doctor for them) like. love this. love that i have to argue for basic fucking care that we CAN afford because he's so stubborn he'd rather himself be in agony than go to a doctor

and I have to break into doing all these new things that I've never done before because of trauma or unmedicated ADHD or fucking god knows what other excuses i have, and i feel like im exploding with tension and its branching into other new habits i cant wait to deal with, on top of probably not doing the new things i should be doing

and to top it all off my RSD is like, in full fucking force 24/7 about literally everyone, i either hate people or feel like im the worst person to be around in the world, every thing i enjoy is giving me anxiety because its not good enough or i did a bad job with it or i cant keep up acting like im okay, except when im in the moment and actually do enjoy myself and then just jump right back into the cycle of hating everything again

but like, i can't just fucking vent about how bad i feel all the time, but i dont know what i CAN do and i just want to scream because its like. im fucking trapped . and the longer im trapped, the shorter those windows of feeling normal are. and the more i feel like im irreversibly damaging any friendship i have. and its like ive been through this before, except the last time, i was 16, and apparently i havent learned anything since then because i dont make friends or form lasting connections

like. idk

nothing feels fucking worse than needing to be around friends and going through some rough shit and then apparently everything else is a trigger for something else completely stupid. and you end up feeling both like shit because of the base trigger and then also great, im a shitty fucking person because i cant accept that people are my friends and assume the worst. great . yeah this is a lot of fucking self pity but that's why it's under a read more .

oh. right. and i also have to fucking revisit whether i have a fucking dissociative disorder or not. or just try to float along and exist, but id rather not

[pabit-paradoc]

[hey-im-bleeding-here]

RSD is so ridiculous because something like, "hey could you keep it down?" literally just means, "hey could you keep it down?" but my fucked up brain interprets that as, "oh i am loud and obnoxious and should kms."

like?????/?!!!?!? excuse me no stop giving me a deep sense of overwhelming dread in the pit of my stomach over someone's very reasonable requests & or criticisms what the fuck

[adhd-culture--is]

Adhd culture is having an rsd meltdown that lasts for hours because you got a bad grade in a subject you want to base your entire life and career on

(It was creative writing. It’s been hours. I just burst into tears and started screaming now, and my chest has stayed tight the entire time. Im sorry if this is too venty to submit)

.

[x-itzzzzzz-x]

very upsetting to know people can see me and tell what i look like and make judgements of it actually

saw photos and videos of myself n it makes me feel nauseous to think not only do i look like that despite trying so hard not too but other people can see me and know how disgusting i am.

i never have nice photos i never feel comfortable i will never be happy with who i am

i felt so good in so many of these photos and looking at them reminds me that no matter what i do or how hard i try i’ll always be this inside and out

[kaitcake1289]

headcanoning carl cw longbottom as arospec because i’m arospec but also because i too had a -what i appointed myself- crush on a girl i knew when i was like 12 because i thought it made sense in the narrative of the story and the second i realised it was never happening i casually never talked to her again

[your-very-rude-neighborhood-ace]

adhd is RUINING MY LIFE like is the guy i like sending me a snapchat of the ceiling because he’s mad at me or he’s just tired?? IDK BUT NOW I HATE MYSELF

[bionicbabe0101]

Not sure who needs to hear this but obesity medicine is bullshit. It’s based on an arbitrary metric that was developed using white men as the ‘standard’, and the flawed principle that there is somehow an ideal weight for optimal health that can be applied to everyone.

Like the rest of the US healthcare system, it’s designed to make money, not help people actually achieve better health outcomes or access quality care. Weight loss is a billion dollar industry, and everyone wants a piece of that pie (and then they want to shame YOU for enjoying actual pie).

I’m sure there are healthcare professionals on this site who will vehemently disagree with me. I do work in healthcare in the public health sector and while I would not claim to be an expert, I am pursuing my masters and have reviewed many studies at this point about linking weight to wellness and they are just…flawed, frankly.

Please be mindful of the pervasive effects of fat phobia, and do not let the medical industry off the hook for their participation in it. Special shout out to folks with disabilities who have been told that all they need to do is lose weight and then alllll their medical problems will just magically disappear. Ok, Dr. Karen, I just lost 30 lbs in 8 months and you’re thrilled, but you somehow missed the fact that it’s because the inflammation in my guts is out of control and I’m so anemic and vitamin deficient that my rheumatologist is freaking out…but I’m glad I lowered my BMI? 😑

[i-forget-nothing]

Battling an absolute monster of a wave of RSD and depression, and the former means I don't feel like there's anyone I can actually tell about it. Good times.

[adhdteagirl]

Whenever people think about ADHD, they immediately think about hyperactivity and problem focusing. Or maybe, if they're slightly more informed they think about difficulty staying focused on one task or trouble with organisation or maybe difficulty with sustaining motivation.

However, I think the emotional symptoms of ADHD are much worse and often left out. And yet they can make your life just as hard or even harder than the most well-known symptoms, and they're harder to describe and understand.

Like the sudden mood swings that make you go from "today is a beautiful day and I'm so happy" to "fuck me, fuck my life, everything sucks and I hate it" to "I'm just so sad" in 0.00003 seconds

Or the irritability that make you yell and lash out and be just so unpleasant to people who sometimes -or even perhaps often - absolutely don't deserve it. And then makes you feel so guilty for how you spoke to those people.

And don't even get me started on rsd (rejection sensitive dysphoria). You get in the most minor disagreement with someone you love and your brain immediately goes to "they hate you now and they don't want to have anything to do with you anymore. They don't want to talk to you, they don't want to hear your voice, they don't want to see your face ever again." And if the person simply takes a bit longer to respond to a text you sent or talked to you a bit more curtly than usual, your treacherous brain just uses that as confirmation. Or you receive some criticism from someone whose opinion matters to you and your brain assaults you with "yeah you're so bad, you have never done anything right ever. You're just a big, constant failure and a disappointment." And it's so hard to remember that those things you tell yourself aren't true. Those feelings of hurt are valid. Your feelings are always valid. But all the horrible thoughts you have about yourself aren't true. And it's hard to keep that in mind when you're feeling such deep emotional hurt.

And all the while, we're seen as too emotional, too sensitive, too irrational. But instead of helping us, people tell us to get over it, get tougher skin, stop whining. I think we would all gain from better understanding the emotional symptoms of ADHD and how it impacts our lives. It's important not only so that we're feeling more validated in how we feel and understand that it's not a personal failing on our part, but also so that we can learn to better manage and deal with those symptoms so that they don't impact us so much.

(this long rant was inspired by me being hit by rsd earlier this evening)

[orange-imperial-tea]

Having social anxiety is like going on a roller coaster, in the beginning it seems like it’ll be fun, then comes the, “I DONT WANT TO DO THIS I DONT WANT TO DO THIS I DONT WA-“ but you then begrudgingly go do it anyway. While you are on the roller coaster itself, you are so paralyzed with fear you don’t know if you like it or not. Then afterwards you think “wow that was so much fun, I should do it again!” And for a moment you genuinely think you might have liked it. Thennnn you vomit ten seconds later and never want to do it again.

[in-sufficientdata]

Being a person who deconstructed who was raised in a religion/cult does not make you smarter or better than people who converted and also ended up deconstructing

I ended up losing my entire ex-cult community because of a thread where people were disparaging converts (i.e. their parents) and I dared to speak up and say their comments were mean and hurtful, and that a former convert (me) could read them

The response was that 1. I needed to get a sense of humor and 2. having RSD is not a valid reason to be hurt

Or rather, when I explained the RSD was causing my reaction, I was told "well, don't do that"

Which is perilously close, for me, to telling a person with mental illness to get over it

So I left

[aireosart]

~