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m5ria · 1 year

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Chapter 21: The Memory

“Yo, Ophelia! What's the deal, my girl?

Been waitin' here, my mind in a whirl.

Spill it, daughter, put my mind at ease,

A father's love, you know it won't freeze.”

I stare at the pig-looking demon in what's supposed to be elegant, ruined regal attire. I realize I’m on stage, with lots of eyes expecting my next line, but I completely broke.

“Don’t just stand there, daughter!

You might just look like an otter!”

My eyes search frantically for anyone, anything to save me. Besides the Polonius actor and the stage, everything is entirely black.

“I ... Do you doubt that?”

The first fucking line of fucking Ophelia.

The other demon looks at me perplexed for a split of a second before he chuckles. Some of the audience join him too.

“If I’d have doubted your humanity,

I’d hafta doubt your mother’s too!”

This is not at all the Hamlet I read. This is exactly what Mimzy said: a mix between Hell’s Hamlet and improvisation.

As I’ve come to this conclusion, I finally spot the screen with lines, somewhere behind the curtains on the opposite side of the stage. The best way I can read the lines and pretend to speak to the other characters.

All great and well, except... the part of acting out.

I narrow my eyes and clear my throat:

“D-daddy, sorry for makin' you wait sooo long,

Got lost in love, it - it all went wrong.

But here I am, uhm..., ready to spill the tea,

About what's been messin' with me.”

Yikes... That was awful.

I glance sideways at the completely silent audience. A lump in my throat threatens to make me spill all of my guts. I try to prevent my hands from constant trembling.

I hear someone approaching from behind and, when I turn around, I see another demon. I believe he’s playing my brother, Laertes.

“Oh, my darling sis with curls,

Always with the head in the clouds,

Love plights and all kinds of doubts,

Ever thinking of the great next fucks!”

I stand there, looking dumbly at the demon, forgetting everything. I’m wholly, utterly lost.

The actor who plays my father saves me once again:

“You dipshit, son of a witch,

Don’t just call ya sis a bitch!”

The change in words snaps me to reality. I almost burst out laughing, right there, either from stress or ridicule.

“Listen up, my children, I got some advice to share,

Laertes, you're off to France, so beware.

Ophelia, keep your heart locked, don't let it roam,

No time for love games, focus on your zone.”

Laertes pumps his chest in smugness:

“Dad, ease up, I know the drill, I'm well aware,

Off to France I go, a journey without a care.

But love is my prerogative, it's my own beat,

I'll find passion, adventure, make my life complete.”

And with that, Laertes evades.

Polonius turns to me and speaks:

“Ophelia, my girl, y’know I got your back,

Just tell me what's up, no need to hold back.

In this crazy world, I'm here to protect,

Speak your heart, we'll reconnect.”

“Da-ddy, eros led me down a crazy road,

Hamlet's arms, my ... cunt he once hold.

But his ardor turned to madness, a hot mess,

Left me needy, under duress.”

“Ophelia, my daughter, I warned you clear,

'Bout lust’s twisty paths, my dear.

Ardor can be a treacherous tide,

But we must navigate with strength by our side.

If Hamlet's passion has faltered, it's his own loss,

Find solace within, no matter the cost.”

“But, Daddy, my tits still yearn for his affection,

I'm torn between loyalty and self-protection.

Should I confront him, seek answers so unclear,

Or let him drift away, my core’s deepest fear?”

“My child, tread carefully in this fragile game,

Protect your virtue, don't let it burst into flame.

Observe his actions, listen to his words,

Time will reveal what's genuine or absurd.”

“I'll heed your counsel, Daddy, with a still-wet cunt,

To let go of craving is a painful art!

But in this chaos, I'll find strength anew,

And embrace the path that leads to what is true.”

After my last word, the curtains close torturously slow. I stand there, in my obedience pose, until I can’t see any light anymore.

☽

The rest of the play goes surprisingly better than I would have imagined. Ophelia doesn’t speak too much and she’s not in too many scenes. With each change of lines, I grow accustomed to her character, even if she’s way hornier than in the original play. I shy away, lower my head in subordination, and even blush a little (even if I have to pinch my cheeks in secret).

Who knew playing a totally different person than yourself could be manageable?

Sooner than I'd expected, Ophelia’s last scene means my last push of acting. I inhale calmingly while the succubi demonesses change my outfit into a white revealing dress. I don’t get why Ophelia’s body is so exposed right before her death, and I am utterly uncomfortable, but I manage to keep my mouth shut.

However, when Mimzy comes to see me (again), I barely hold my mass of questions when she declares: “Right, so, after ya last lines, ya hafta go at the back of the stage, where ya willow tree and pond will wait fer ya.”

“Wait, what? Why?”

“Everyone wants to see Ophelia kill herself,” she rolls her eyes, as if it was obvious. “So, ya’ll act fer the next scene as well, but in the background.”

Of course. What have I expected?

“Alright,” I sigh exhausted. “What do I have to do?”

“Ya’ll hafta climb the tree and hum like a crazy woman and then let yaself fall in the water. Ya’ll hafta stay underwater until the curtains close.”

“WHAT?” I scare the demonesses. “What the fuck am I supposed to do in the water?”

“Definitely not breathe,” she mentions. “It needs to look like ya died.”

“Let me rephrase,” I barely hold my anger. “You mean to tell me that I have to just stay like dead underwater for God knows how long?”

“Duh.” She looks annoyed, as if I’m the absurd one.

“How am I not going to end up dead anyway?” I try to reason with her.

“Ya’ll hafta choose ya moments right,” she shrugs, as if it was a simple answer. “But try to stay at least one minute, would ya? Some folks here like to see others more miserable than themselves.”

“So,” I conclude, pressing my fingers on my eyelids, “you mean to tell me that I have to fall at the right time, so that I stay one minute underwater? When will I know when’s the right time? I don’t even know the next scene!”

“Ah, ya’ll figure it out!” she gestures with her gloved palm.

Growling, I almost launch at her, but the other demonesses hold me by the strings of my corset in place. She walks away as if it's a sunny day.

Nice... My freedom doesn’t even matter anymore.

☽

Ophelia is all alone on the stage. This time, I speak to the audience as if nothing’s there. I listen with open ears to the succubi demoness who whispers my lines.

“Oh, the weight that presses upon my soul,

A tangled web of emotions takes its toll.

My mind, once clear, now drowned in despair,

As madness grips me, unaware.”

My eyes have adapted to the powerful light. I search the audience for familiar faces.

“Hamlet, my dear, where has your love gone?

What has transpired, what has gone wrong?

His words, once tender, now sharp as a knife,

A stranger's gaze, devoid of love or life.”

At last, I glimpse the all-red appearance of Alastor. I can’t figure out his facial expression, but I know he pays close attention to any of my slips.

“I am but a flower, with petals torn asunder,

Lost in the chaos, my soul left to wander.”

Next to him is Angel, recording the whole thing on his phone. I make a mental note to steal it.

“My father gone, my heart in disarray,

I'm adrift in a sea of shadows, led astray.”

Cherri is all smiley, laughing at something Angel has said. It almost makes me forget to listen to the next lines:

“Oh... uh... cruel fate, why have you dealt me this blow?

To strip away love, and let despair grow.

But I shall gather strength, rise from this fall,

Find a path where hope stands tall.”

Right then, I hear an unexpected sound and turn around. Behind me, the crew staff moved the willow tree and what’s supposed to be a pond, but it’s an aquarium. Right, so they can all see me drown.

I’ve missed the lines the demoness whispered, so she does it again. With false determination, I declare:

“For in this turmoil, I'll seek my own way,

Navigate the darkness, find the light of day.

Ophelia, once fragile, now resilient and strong,

I'll rewrite my story, where I truly belong.”

With no other words from the demoness, I realize this is my cue to retreat. Only that I don’t go behind the scenes. I climb the steps to the ground level of the pond.

In the meantime, the other characters enter the scene. I don’t spare them any glance and mind my own business, humming an unnamed song.

I look at the willow tree, which is much taller than it should be. The closest branch is three meters in height. However, it doesn’t look like it can hold my weight, so I aim for the next one... four meters in height.

I take my time, trying to stall as much as possible. I manage to climb the tree as gracefully as I can and reach the branch, still singing.

I spend a couple of minutes pretending to connect with the tree, caressing its trunk or praying, until my ears catch the sound of a voice meant for me. I glance behind the curtains, where Mimzy frantically gestures to me. She wants me to jump. Now.

I breathe long and look down. Only to freeze like a statue.

Only now I’ve realized how high I actually am. The water looks like a rock under me.

My claws dig in the branch. I can’t let myself deliberately fall. I just ... can’t.

Mimzy’s feverish gesticulation and irritated voice rival the hammering heart inside my chest. I breathe quickly, not seeming to catch enough air in my lungs.

I can’t. I can’t fall again.

But I have to. I have to fall, or I’ll ruin everything.

With slow, hard motions, I make myself position to jump.

“Not like that, you stupid cow!” I hear Mimzy. “You want to die! Let yaself fall on the back!”

And hit the water with my back? I might lose my senses for several minutes.

Does it matter how I fall, though?

So, I lean back and let go.

☽

Only when I don’t feel anything around me, do I see the night sky above me. Earth’s night sky.

And I didn’t fall from a tree. I fell from a cliff.

When I hit the end, I don’t feel any pain. Instead, something truly bizarre happens. I start floating, soaring toward the cliff’s edge, ever so slowly. Back to safety.

When my feet connect with the earth, a couple of hands touch my shoulders. As my body bends into a vertical position, the pressure in them increases. My head gradually turns to the one who seems to save me from plunging again to death.

When I finally recognize him, my face drops.

It's him! Cedric! My first love. The one who betrayed me; used me; manipulated me.

He withdraws his hands and starts mouthing things, but I can’t hear him. He’s at first mad, but then his green eyes soften. He smiles welcomingly. I don’t know what to make of any of this.

Then, he starts walking backward. Only that it is not the usual way. It’s ... mechanical.

I don’t get to see where he comes from, as my body turns around without my command. I stare at the forest below, all of it in shades of gray in the moonlight.

I look right below me. Similarly to how airwaves glitch, there’s the image of my broken body, shaking in clarity. Blood flows from me in a single narrow streak like a spring.

My body, once again, veers around without my permission, and I get to see Cedric again, now walking normally toward me. He smiles and talks warmly, until something on his face changes. He’s angry.

Then, he pushes me. And I fall again.

☽

I inhale hard as I reach the surface. I swallow two mouthfuls of water, but other than that, I’m fine. I swim to the edge of the aquarium and exit. Only when I am completely out of the water, do I realize where I am.

I pivot in dread, but there are only the red curtains. No actors on stage.

“Finally!” an impatient voice speaks from under me. “I thought we hafta move the whole thing with ya in it.”

Mimzy gestures to crew members to wait. I climb down the stairs, suddenly very aware of how cold it is outside.

“I gotta say, tho,” she keeps on. “That was the most believable acting of yours.”

I try to say a sarcastic Thank you, but I end up coughing water.

“Or was it acting?”

I stare at her, trembling.

“Right,” she fills the silence. “Bitches! Change her!”

Fortunately for me, my last appearances imply me being unmoving.

While the other actors move me in my coffin, I play over and over, behind my closed eyelids, what I’ve just remembered.

My ex-boyfriend killed me.

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lakrapackersandmovers · 2 years

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bokuroo-squeals · 3 years

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"I love you, and you love me. Isn't that enough?"+ Best Friend's Brother with Osamu

If this does well, I might do a part 2 but I seriously don't think this is good. It's written a little to awkward for my liking.

Event masterlist here.

Stolen glances were your favorites, getting to be unapologetically in love with someone and your secret unknown to the world. In silence,you could appreciate him, the color of his eyes, the tip of his nose, how his eyes crinkled in delight when he laughed. Delicious moments where you could enjoy him.

By stolen glances was the only way in which you could reach Osamu like the idiot in love you were, because you knew that if his brother ever found out how hard your heart beats for him, not only would he be scandalized, you also believed that he would also feel betrayed. After all, Atsumu had vocalized plenty of times his disdain at the thought of you and his brother together.

You were a good friend, you really were, and while you couldn't stop from falling har for his brother- yet you admit that you loved every second of your feelings- at least you did stop yourself from acting on them, as much as it was possible. Of course you tried, though it was hard when his own brother looked at you with a glint so fond on his eyes, when his warm hands seemed to find yours with no problem when you were close, but never reaching for them, just enough to brush yours and give you a taste of what they feel like.

You continue to watch Osamu form the distance, in your seat next to his brother while the younger twin laughs at something Suna said, and his laugh could be at his friend's words, but his eyes are on you. He turns his head to the game they're playing, the sofa small with two big bodies like theirs seating in them.

"Say, Y/n" Atsumu calls for your attention, looking at the sealing deep in thoughts. "Would you be interested in me setting you up with someone"

The spit in your mouth makes you choke with his words.

How were you supposed to react to the sudden proposition, and what were you supposed to say? Should you tell him that the only guy you're interested in at the moment was his twin? The brother that he prohibited you from dating since day one?

You're eyes travel again to Osamu, who isn't looking at you, but with the way his eyebrows furrow, you are aware of him listening, and your poor heart can't handle the pressure. By the sight of it, he doesn't seem to happy about the conversation Atsumu is intending to have, and neither are you but it's not like you can't tell him that, so with a sigh, one you hope sounds tired and annoyed enough to convince him, you kindly reject the direction he wants to take.

"No, thanks" cool, calm, you remember, stay cool and calm. Yet, Atsumu can't read the room, or chooses not to do it, as always, and continues despites it.

"C'mon, you can't be single forever. I know this guy, he saw a photo of you and he's interested in meeting you" he moves to face you, a self-satisfied smile on it, as if he is about to make something incredible by setting you up– he's not, in fact, you think he's really stupid in this moment– and his brows nudged towards you like an invitation to say yes.

By now, you're too afraid to turn to steal a glance at his brother, being it for a fear of how pissed you think he might be, or because of the fear of the blond catching you, either way, your eyes stayed focused on your idiotic best friend.

"I don't care, you're lame and so must be your friend" with a hand pushing him away, you're about to end the conversation "Anyways, instead of focusing on my love life, you should start one yourself" you huffed, ending the talk.

Atsumu pouts, and while he's not pleased with your crude answer, he listens, leaving you alone. Although that doesn't mean he's dropping his irritating antics, finding another prey, his brother.

"How about you, 'Samu? There's this girl I already rejected, but I guess she'll be interested on a date with you. Obviously, I am the handsome twin, but you're not that bad yourself"

It's not your place, it really isn't, to say no, to tell your friend to fuck off and leave Osamu alone because you want to be the only one for him. But you seriously want to do it, shout that he can't set up his brother with a random girl because you feel like he already belongs to you. And you know it's selfish, that's why you stay silent, with an invisible scowl and gritted teeth and fists clenching a little too hard.

For the nth time that night, Osamu's eyes land on your figure, meeting your's in the process. The difference is, that this time, he's look is both cold and hot. Cold as if they're telling you how tired they are, and hot as if to tell you he's ready to make you step up your game, almost challenging you.

"Yeah, of course, just know that once she's met me, she'll have clear who's the better twin. Won't even remember a thing 'bout you" Osamu's smirk is teasing, and everyone could say it was towards his brothers, but you knew better. It was dedicated to you.

A pang of something hurts in your chest, maybe of jealousy, and maybe it's the pain of hearing him giving up on whatever you're supposed to have. It's wrong, you're feeling the guilt of those sensations, because you're the one that has pushed him off, denying every single advice that could have been done, and still, you want him just for you.

It isn't until hours later, when Suna has left and Atsumu has fallen asleep when you talk for the first time this day, aside from the greetings.

You stand in the kitchen, a glass of water in your hand, trying to calm how agitated your insides are. At this point, the twins have left a disaster of your mind and heart, coming like a hurricane of emotions that hits you hard enough to hurt. A part of you wants to scream, declare your undying love for him, for his deep voice and calming irises, declare that he's yours and yours only– you remind yourself that he isn't– but the other side of you is too afraid, afraid of hurting the one person that has been next to you through everything and anything, the one who has picked up the broken pieces and helped you come back as one stronger version. You don't want to hurt or hurt anyone, which it's so damn hard in your position, but you know that you'd never forgive your heart if you let down Atsumu, if you even dare to disappoint him.

Osamu's entrance pulls you out of your trance, successfully taking your attention towards him, although he appears to ignore your presence, walking past you without a word. Painful, that's too painful for you.

"Osamu…" you trailed off, trying to make you as small as you can.

"Save it. I'm not in the mood to talk to you" he's cold, and you hate it, he's never been like this to you, but you can't blame him either. While he's cold, there's just the tiniest hint of anger on his voice, making you more unsettled.

"I'm sorry! I don't want to hurt you, you know that, is just that–" he interrupts you. He's pissed, his eyes show it, his chest puffs and shoulders tense, a sight you never want to see again.

"It doesn't matter, it's not like we're anything, anyway" his words cut deep inside you, damn they do.

You wished you could unhear the pain behind what he says, but it's right there, and it shows his vulnerability.

"That's not true… you know how I feel about you"

"Then let's do something about it! I love you and you love me, isn't that enough?!" The raw emotion touches your insides in the most painful but delicious way. You want to hold him close and comfort him, yet you don't think you have the right to do it. "So what if my brother doesn't approve it?! Are we supposed to forget about how we feel? Am I supposed to ignore how much I love when our hands meet? How much do I adore the way you look at me?! Or pretend that I'm burning to kiss you?! I'm sorry, Y/n but I don't care anymore about anything Atsumu has to say at this point."

He comes your way with big steps, and you coward a little at the sudden movement, and then he kisses you. A kiss is full of irritation, annoyance, love, care, all the bottled up feelings showing in a kiss that says more than words.

"I'm not hiding up how I feel anymore, so this is me officially asking you to be mine. You can reject me and we'll forget this happened, or you can accept and we'll face Atsumu, together".

Your answer is obvious, coming in the form of another kiss, one that's more tender, sweet and short.

#haikyuu x reader #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu #haikyuu osamu #osamu x reader #osamu imagine #osamu angst #osamu fluff #miya osamu #miya osamu x reader

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pizzeriacircus · 3 years

Note

Hey, I'm part of the fandom of the... weirder side of your restaurant. I just want you to know that... we've learned a lot of lessons form the similar fandom of that other restaurant. The false accusations, the endless scrabble for answers, the whole mess always coming b-- ...we know better than that. Your restaurant's story isn't some puzzle to be solved, whether or not it ever will be. It's a story to be lived. We care about you, and we'll always support you.

Anonymous, there are a few more words I'd like to say to you about this, if you don't mind.

First, I'd like to thank you again for concerning yourselves for us and our feelings. We certainly do have them, and sometimes, it's true, they feel as though they may be getting disregarded. Not too often, really! We don't blame the world for not paying us much mind. Sometimes we even feel entombed here in this place. And how often does anyone really visit a grave?

Next I suppose I'd like to offer a gentle suggestion. It might seem strange of me to say, given that I agree with you, but: try not to be too hard on those folks who get fanatical about the lurid aspects of what happened to us - or what happened to them. To those others, in that other place (Truth be told, most of why we don't like to talk about them is out of respect. They aren't here to speak for themselves, and if what happened to them is anything like what happened here, then I wouldn't dare speak for them).

I won't say they're wrong to do that, but I certainly understand why it seems uncaring. And I'm aware there are some people who fully trivialize and reduce a terrible tragedy to a series of puzzles that are fun and exciting to figure out.

Truth is, Anonymous, we're all flawed people. We all have blind spots, and sometimes when you're so distant from a situation, it almost makes you blind to its reality. To its gravity. And, well... a lot of them are youngsters.

I can speak from experience: when you're a youngster, you kind of feel invincible. Like nothing terrible and tragic could ever happen to you. Like nothing terrible and tragic is really real. Everything is kind of a fun puzzle to figure out... until something terrible and tragic stops you right in your tracks.

Sometimes, forever.

But if it isn't forever, then you get to grow. And learn from it. It shatters your armor. It teaches you your vulnerability. It teaches you the vulnerability of others. And then you learn empathy.

What I'm saying is, a lot of them are youngsters. Whether they're young in years or just in spirit. They have a chance to learn. And you can help them grow! We all can.

I hope you'll forgive me for writing you a novel - I suppose I had some of this to get off my chest for a while. Valerie slugged me in the shoulder three times as I was writing this out. She says she's afraid I'm being overbearing towards you. But, I don't know if I agree with that (she also called me a Total Dad and I'd disagree with that too but I have never won that argument). You seem like you might be somebody who would take this in the spirit it's written - one of sharing a common curiosity. About how people behave. About ourselves.

Thank you so much for making it through all of that. You reached out from the heart, so I thought it best to speak from the heart myself.

I hope you'll continue to enjoy living this story with us - with me. I know the early parts of it have a lot of tragedy in them, but I remain ever hopeful that it will get happier. Miracles have happened before, after all! I consider my life one of them.

Take care out there, Anonymous.

-Ringmaster Leon

#Pizzeria circus #leon_the_lion #valerie valentina

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benlaksana · 3 years

Text

2021

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It's been roughly a year and a half since the start of the Covid-19 pandemic here in Indonesia, and I've recently been trying to understand where I'm at. Not physically, as in physical space, but mentally and probably existentially. What is the state of my mind? I am aware that I've become somewhat bitter, my late nights are sometimes riddled with anxiety for what the next day may bring and reoccurring personal-collective grief has at times, and recently more often than I would like to admit, numbed me.

This may probably be my mind's automatic coping mechanism seeing all this death mainly as a result of how my government has failed us, its citizens, especially during a time of crises. And I really need to stress this point: how my government has failed us Indonesians during the times we need it the most and I very much believe that it is because of this why many of us Indonesians are in constant misery and haunted by that feeling of despair. If chronic physical pain causes constant daily anguish, I am not surprised if chronic physical and mental pain caused by structural violence causes persistent misery as well.

I'm somewhat fortunate in this regard, I'm grateful that I've learned ways to keep my sanity in check. My contemplative practice is key for me. Honestly, I wouldn't have gotten far in life without it. I have many people to thank, but Art Buehler especially, my former professor in esoteric contemplative/meditative practices who reminded me and pointed a certain possible direction of where I should head when I sense a lost in my life's direction, is one those I should thank the most. I know this seems like an individualized response to structural oppression, and I don't intend to paint such a picture, but I do believe we need some kind of mental stability to keep on going. To survive if not thrive.

Art sadly passed away in 2019. I received an email about his passing. And come to think of it I never really did allow myself to properly grieve for his passing. I don't know why. To be told through a short concise email that someone you cared for died, without having the opportunity to properly say goodbye feels like that person never really passed away. It is horrible way to end relationships. A sudden cut, nothing finalized, and since goodbyes are relational, now nothing can really ever be concluded. I have to make amends with myself and only with myself. If I said goodbye yesterday, or if I say goodbye today or perhaps tomorrow, will it ever be enough for me?

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Life is individual yet also relational. It's good to have friends, family, people that care for you or the odd mix of all three to get you through life. So although I have these array of tools to possibly help get me through life but if the people whom you look for some kind direction is no longer present, I'm just not sure for how long I can maintain it if I'm doing all this by myself. Will a breaking point come to me?

The mind is a fickle thing, and the mind is as strong as its habits. Bad habits, bad mind. Good habits, good healthy mind (no habits, no mind?). They also say that things that might happen, will indeed happen. It is just a matter of time. If so, how will I break? To what extent? For how long? What will change? What will I lose? Will there be something renewed? Will I come out the same person? Will I come out changed but for the worst?

This is one of the things that worries me. That certainty of uncertainty. The certainty of breaking, the uncertainty of when and of its form. Will I explode in sudden exasperation, engulfed in madness? Will it be a quick balloon pop yet a slow descend into meaninglessness? An unabashed diatribe rant towards someone I care? Something that's just a twitter post away from me on actually doing it. Will this be an opening, an opportunity for 'satori', a sudden lift of the 'veil', bringing about comprehension and understanding of the true nature of things? Questions, questions, questions, not much when it comes to answers, is all I have for now. To be hopeful is hard these days and with the wavering hope, very much coming and going like waves, it has become incredibly hard to even retain any semblance of kindness. That is something I do not want to actively become a habit of. Without hope, comes the cold embrace of fatalism that many on the 'left' are guilty of. Clutched by fatalism, empathy becomes harder to come by. I've seen it, and I have felt it.

I know that my eroding sense of hope is connected to my personal dreams. Specifically how it has become very hard to actualize it. Rara and I never really planned on staying in Indonesia for long. I was confident enough, a bit too confident come to think of it, that we will be out of Indonesia by 2021 the latest. A mere 2 1/2 years after our last stay in New Zealand. The plan was for me to continue my studies, getting into a Ph.D. program and of course a scholarship. That was our ticket out. Hoping that we'll be back to our old routine in Wellington, in and out the university's library, my head in books, loving our 'flatwhites' while regretting having too much of it, the usual stint doing some university tutoring, community organizing stuff, lazy gardening, out and about on the weekends tramping around Wellington and if Covid did not happen or/and maybe if my government handled things much, much better I think that would've been the case. Or at least I constantly would like to imagine that would be the case.

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Yet here we are still in Indonesia, me struggling to do my Ph.D. through this wretched distant learning, initially in the comfort of my home yet steadily devolving into cabin fever. And Rara with her own struggles trying her best to get back on her feet as an aspiring musician. None of it is going as well as we had hoped for. All this while juggling trying our best to keep ourselves safe and our families and friends safe. Both of us have become direct witnesses how challenging this has been, physically and mentally. Both of us slowly grappling with the continual kick in the gut, the never ending structural absurdity, violently absurd.

That slow grueling realization of how fragile our lives are. Not just existentially. It is existentially precarious yet at the same time understanding that precariousness in many of its aspects is structurally and politically maintained. It is this political construction of precarity, which Isabell Lorey elaborates in her book State of Insecurity: Government of the Precarious, that angers and saddens us the most.

Lorey provides a nuanced approach in unpacking and differentiating this thing called being 'precarious'. The three dimensions of being precarious: precariousness, precarity and then precarization. On precariousness, Lorey draw's on Judith Butler's conceptualization of precariousness which she sees as existential, relational and inevitable. I'll insert my existential philosophy and Buddhist values here, to help me see and more importantly accept the transient nature of life and that impermanence or change is the only constant. Our lives, our bodies are destined to die and wither away. We humans are fragile mortal beings. The loss of life, the loss of one's identity, the loss of everything that makes us, us is unavoidable. It's also a 'relational' thing, as in it is also a shared experience. Everyone will experience it. It is the great equalizer some say.

Then we have precarity. Yes everyone dies, but the process of dying or even the process of grieving someone's death is dependent on what Lorey see as the “effects of different political, social and legal compensations of a general precariousness”. Some die at young age due to starvation, riddled with poverty and disease and have nothing or no one to ease their pain, others die surrounded by family and friends in a well-cared for hospital. Some have days or weeks to grieve, others have to go back to work the next day as she or he have no luxury to stop working even just for a moment and simply grieve. To stop working even for a day draws some closer to the possibility of death for the person or those dependent on the person working. This is the inequality of dying and grieving due to our social hierarchies. How fragile we are, is dependent on those social hierarchies.

And last we have Lorey's third dimension, governmental precarization which is the instrumentalization of insecurity by the government. In other words, the government using the idea and the reality of insecurity as a tool or device to control its citizens. The calculated, deliberate attempt by the government in destabilizing our lives in order for us to be easily governed. Insecurity, be it real or due to perceived constructed fear of insecurity is an effective governing tool. The fear of being labeled "useless and lacking in contribution to the nation-state". The genuine insecurity of not being able to get a job due to the false understanding that it is simply a result of an individual's laziness rather than due to systematic government policies. The deliberate attempt in making our lives constantly insecure, constantly on the edge, without us initially knowing it and when we do come to understand, the blame is on us. It is normalized and it is internalized.

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This is not simply a social issue, it is a deeply existential one as well. We Indonesians have very little to make us feel safe at the moment. Covid and the government's response to it has severely limited our movements and it's not simply physical immobility, but also an existential one, the inability to even have the imagination that our lives are actually "going somewhere", towards a forward direction. Perhaps some sort of minute incremental progress, but progress nonetheless. This imagined mobility is what Ghassan Hage calls as "existential mobility" and this immobility suffered by many of us is what he also calls as "stuckedness".

Turning an often momentary or the ephemeral nature of a crisis into something prolonged and perhaps even permanent is another part of the strategy of governmental precarization. Our lives or jobs are always on the line and again coupled with the sick prevailing idea that we only have ourselves to find the solution. The crisis is permanent, we don't know why but we've been told that way, if we fail to overcome it is because of our personal inabilities thus proliferating and intensifying this sense of stuckedness.

Forcing us to accept whatever solution the government-messiah presents us with in order to relieve us from this suffering. From labour laws that normalizes precariousness even more, to oppressive new laws that limits our desire and ability to dissent, to including who or how our enemies are defined, easily accepting who is to blame for all this insecurity we are all suffering.

Be it the long dead Indonesian communists, the Chinese Indonesians and the racist perception of them being "selfish and greedy", the Indonesian Islamists - the kadruns and their conservatism, the "foreign forces" whomever they may be constantly trying to take over Indonesia, anyone or anything is to blame. Anyone but the Indonesian government and its affluent patrons. Insecurity and the fear that rises from it renders many of us easily governable and compliant.

This governmental precarization and this 'stuckedness', which Hage sees no longer as a possibility that may or may not happen but an "inevitable pathological state which has to be endured" is how Rara and I feel at the moment.

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Rara and I feel our lives are going nowhere. We feel that our lives are stuck, constantly rotating in a hamster wheel trying our best to overcome our precariousness. No progress, no forward movement, no growth, just trying our best to survive from this sustained uncertainty. It's an awful feeling, paving way to existential dread. We are very much looking forward to moving back to New Zealand as soon as possible but with the conditions right now, that is something I can't even dare to imagine.

And although I am grateful that the weave of our privilege with at many times just pure sheer luck has kept us alive and physically well for the time being, we both now realize that we have hit a proverbial concrete wall here. Adding to the already precarious nature of life here in Indonesia, our line of work as a fledgling social science academic and aspiring artist and what Rara and I aspire to do socially, what we aspire to become, easily ends in stagnation if we intend to continue to live our lives in Indonesia. (I want to direct you to Social Science and Power edited by Vedi Hadiz and Daniel Dhakkidae to get the gist of what I'm trying to get at here.)

This is a hard pill to swallow, harder to write and even more so to act upon. I am existentially tied to Indonesia, my family and friends are here, my father is buried here and so will my mother. Memories of the distant past, the colloquial language when shitposting on social media, my mind and body have been shaped by Indonesia in ways I possibly do not even fully realize. This is why I oscillate between guilt towards others and guilt towards the self. I feel guilty for simply having an exit strategy when many others don't, I have the luxury of choice. Yet I also I feel guilty for feeling guilty about this, as it means I am also neglecting the well-being of myself, now and in the future. I need to work on this and find my bearings, being stuck in a guilty limbo won't get me anywhere.

And the future is far from stable, I wonder what is on the other end of surviving this pandemic? There is so much collective grief, collective anger and of course personal anger. All this will amount to something, I'm sure of that. Although I don't know what exactly, I'm not entirely confident this something will be good. John Keane's new book 'The New Despotism' comes into mind.

What do I personally do with all this anger? I’ve noticed how anger, especially when it is on the verge of hatred, morphs itself and easily descends into madness, into aggression and often showing itself, unawaringly to us, when the act of expressing anger happens. Your mind becomes instantly clouded, ending in mindless action. This inability to have control over oneself terrifies me. I already have so very little semblance of control over life in general at the moment, if I truly have no control over myself whatsoever, what then do I have?

And I wonder if it is a waste of time asking these pseudo-intellectual questions? I don't know, yet I do know I live in a society where it hones aggression and hostility, whether it be in physical and digital spaces, and I would like to draw myself away from all this at the moment before I transform myself into something I do not wish to be. Anger I can fully understand, and it is needed and useful. Yet to actively transform it into deep blinding hatred and sustain it daily, is something I feel psychologically destructive for me and I'm trying my best not to go on that path.

I rarely update this blog I know, but this blog has always been used as a personal chronicle of how much I have progressed, digressed or both. And I needed to write all this, because I've never been this least sure of what my life should be like and where it should go. I know I am not alone at this. This pandemic has destroyed the lives of many, our futures, our dreams, our sources of love and I hope that anyone of you reading this finds a way to get through it, doing anything you can do day in, day out.

I'm not sure it if amounts to anything. Maybe it won't, maybe it will, or maybe it has but maybe we just can't see it. All I can personally do for now, is to hold on to these 'maybes', and maybe, just maybe I'll get through this too.

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“Where must we go...

We who wonder this Wasteland

in search of our better selves?”

- The First History Man, George Miller

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free--therapy · 3 years

Text

Overcoming Guilt & Shame

It's important to note that by overcoming shame and guilt, it doesn't mean that we are letting ourselves get away with something that we truly know and believe to be wrong. The point of overcoming it is making sure that we take accountability, responsibility, and coming to terms with what made us feel this way in the first place. There are 5 steps we can take to help us overcome our shame and guilt: assessing the severity of our actions, weighing our personal accountability, atoning for any harm we caused, breaking the silence of our incurred shame, and finally self-forgiveness.

It's suggested that only 1 or 2 of these steps are necessary in helping us overcome guilt, however when it comes to dealing with shame, it's best to try all 5 steps:

1. Assessing the Severity of Our Actions

It doesn't matter how big or small the action is that we feel bad about, we can still feel guilty regardless. It could be as simple as ignoring your mother's phone call to answer your best friend's call, or calling in sick to work when you don't feel like going in, and so on. Our evaluation of how serious our actions or thoughts are depends on our values and rules that we create for ourselves. It'll always be subjective and what we may feel guilty about, another person won't feel guilty in the same situation. If we often feeling guilty or ashamed, it means that we are either living our lives in a way that ends up defying and violating our own values and principles, or we may be judging ourselves too seriously on things that aren't as serious as we may believe. How can we assess how serious our actions are? Consider the following:

Do other people think this is as serious as I do? How come?

Would there be anyone else consider it less serious? How come?

How serious would I consider this to be if my friend did it instead of myself?

How important will this situation seem in a month from now? 1 year? 5 years?

Would I consider it to be serious if someone did the same thing to me?

Was I aware of the consequences or meaning of my actions/thoughts? Based on that, are my current judgments applicable?

Did I cause any damage? If I did, can I still make things right? If yes, how long would it take to do so?

Is there a more worse action I could have taken and didn't?

2. Weighing Personal Accountability

Weighing how much of what we have done and our perception of the wrongdoing is up to us now to take care of. To do this, we must evaluate the situation we're feeling guilt or shame about by starting to consider everyone and every aspect involved in the situation, including ourselves. "Aspects" or factors can be something like alcohol being involved, owing someone money/debt, the time of day (late at night where people are tired), or knowing that the certain people involved in our situation may have experienced abuse in their life as well. Anything that may have relative responsibility to the situation. Create a list, whether on paper or in the mind, and assign values to how big of a responsibility they may have in the particular situation.

Example: Having an angry outburst at a spouse for complaining about not paying bills on time. People responsible for my angry outburst: - myself: 60% - looming debts: 20% - spouse: 12% - 11pm at night: 8%

Compiling a list like this won't entirely help to eliminate guilt however, because there are situations where we should still feel guilty for doing something wrong. That guilt will help us to make amendments and atone for what we have done, but we can manage it in a way where it becomes something productive as opposed to it being another thing we turn on ourselves as a way to self-sabotage (shame). Making these sorts of lists will help us to realize that not everything is entirely our fault in situations where we feel guilty, which can help us feel a lot less guilty at the end of the day.

3. Atoning for Harm We Caused

When we're feeling guilt as a result for causing harm to others, it's important that we make sure we make amends for what we have done. Doing so can have a very important impact in healing ourselves and the relationship(s) we may have ruined. Atoning for our actions involves recognizing what we did and having the courage to face the person we hurt, asking for their forgiveness, and figuring out what we can do to make things right.

Here are some questions we can consider when trying to figure out how we can atone for what we have done:

Who did I hurt?

What did I do that was hurtful?

This is why it was wrong (the values I violated):

This is what I can do to make amends:

This is what I can tell the person I hurt: I recognize that when I (behavior/action) ____________, this hurt you. It was wrong because ___________. I'm sorry that I did that to you. What I want to do is _______ to show you how truly sorry I am. I hope that you can forgive me with time.

We have to remember that even though we may ask for forgiveness, the other person is under no obligation to grant us it and we have to be okay with that. The whole point of asking for forgiveness and trying to make amends is to help us feel better about the guilt that we have, especially when we're truly sorry.

4. Breaking the Silence of Incurred Shame/Guilt

Because shame has to do with having to keep things secretive, it helps for us to talk to someone we trust about what happened. We usually keep these things secret because we believe that if anyone ever finds out, we'll be criticized, condemned, or rejected for it. By telling someone, we may be surprised to find acceptance and this response ends up forcing ourselves to reassess the meaning of the secret that we hold onto. But how do we find someone we can trust when we have trust issues? We have to find someone that we believe we can share our secret in confidence, whether it be a friend, a coworker, or a mental health professional. Holding onto the shame will only increase the impact it has on us. More likely than not, a lot of people are more understanding that we have been led to believe. A lot of people have likely had similar experiences as us and know how to handle it, or they know people who may have been through things and have their an understanding of what we're going through. We all assume we're alone in our suffering and shame, but more likely than not, we are more alike in experiences, and even if we don't have the same experiences as other, we are eager to listen and learn, and offer advice. Not everyone is going to react the way we think.

5. Self-Forgiveness

Part of being a human is making mistakes. Perfection is merely just a concept that will never be attainable, but so many stress over to achieve. All of us at some point in our lives have done things that we told ourselves that we would never do, or violate the morals and values we hold. This is something that we all do and sometimes we may consider ourselves as "bad" people because of them, but violations don't necessarily mean that. Sometimes our actions may have been linked to a certain situation or time in our lives and can change as we progress in life.

When we come to realize this and how we are all susceptible to being imperfect, it's a lot easier to forgive others, including ourselves. Self-forgiveness will help us to alleviate a lot of our shame and guilt. It can lead us to a change in our perspective and interpretation of the mistake we made. We learn to become a lot more compassionate kind towards ourselves as we begin to understand that we may have made said mistakes during a time where we didn't care how we behaved, as opposed to believing we are "bad" people.

Self-forgiveness, just like forgiving someone else, doesn't mean that we are approving, forgetting, or even denying the pain that we have caused to other people. It involves recognizing that we are imperfect, we make mistakes, and that we can accept our shortcomings and the consequences of our actions. We have to be okay with acknowledging and recognizing that we have both good and negative qualities, and that we also have strengths and weaknesses.

Here's how we can begin to work towards self-forgiveness:

What do I need to forgive myself for?

What impact did my actions have on myself on others?

How will it continue to affect me and others?

How do I imagine my life will be better if I can forgive myself?

Forgiveness begins with understanding. What life experiences have I had that might have contributed to what I did?

What would I think about someone else who did the same thing?

What are some positive aspects about myself that I usually ignore when I'm feeling guilty or ashamed?

In a compassionate and kind voice, how can I forgive myself for what I've done?

What are some qualities that I have that can help me to move forward?

Adapted from Mind Over Mood by Dennis Greenberger, Ph.d & Christine Padesky, Ph.d.

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thou-crusty-batch-of-nature · 4 years

Text

The rise and fall of our love

part one | part two

playlist: broken by jake bugg

no.1 party anthem by arctic monkeys

pairing: james x reader, james x lily

warnings: language, angst, fluff

A/N: sooo im back with part two!!! thank you for the fantastic feedback and appreciation you gave me on the first part, and i hope this lives up to your expectations!!!! sending all the love xoxo

masterlist

(moodboard made by me)

"How is he?"

"Y/N…" Remus began, putting down his quill. Your gaze never left the essay in front of him, refusing to see the pity that his stare held. Because that - that glint in his eyes, the way the right corner of his mouth lifted in a poor attempt of a smile - that was pity.

You shook your head softly. How did it get here?

"Am I not allowed to know? He won't speak to me or look at me. I almost feel guilty even though I know I haven't done anything wrong."

"James is…"

"A fool."

You knew he was trying not to smile. "Yes, that is the obvious answer. But he is still with Lily."

Of course he is. What he said that day - or rather what he smelt - has been the talk of the school for weeks. People were staring at you in the halls, pointing behind your back - so much that you stopped hanging out anywhere else besides your dorm and the library.

And James - he never bothered to say anything to you. It hurt more than you expected to, but you didn't let it show. I am fine, you said every time one of your friends asked. Then, you would smile kindly and change the subject. You would see them exchange worried glances - you pretended you didn't notice. Soon they stopped asking, and you stopped pretending.

"Do they love each other?" Something in your pathetic heart broke at the quiver in your voice. Love.

Love. Never in your life have you heard a more overrated word. So much loss, so much damage made for love. Was it really worth it? The way your stomach dropped and the slight tremble of your lip, the ache that would just not go away - were these the cost of love?

You lifted your head, meeting his gaze. He watched you in awe - as if he read the truth in your eyes. You felt the tears roll on your cheeks, hitting the parchments sprawled on your desk. You let them fall. He opened his mouth, then closed it.

"I understand." you whispered.

You got up, but Remus caught your hand.

"Do you…?"

You smiled softly. "Does it matter anymore?"

He let go of your hand and you walked away.

×××

"Hogsmeade, today?" Sirius asked as he plopped down next to you. He took a big bite of your sandwich - and noticing your icy glare, he put his hand over your shoulder and pressed a sloppy kiss on your cheek. You pushed him off you and wiped your face.

"Bloody hell! You even kiss like a dog!" you retorted.

"No, I don't."

"No, he doesn't." Marlene smirked and you rolled your eyes.

"Hogsmeade, you were saying?"

"Yes - Remus and Lily are busy with their important top-secret prefect duties and James has quidditch practice, so it'll be just us. I guess you don't mind third-wheeling for a bit."

"Can't wait!" you feigned excitement.

×××

It was freezing, to say the least. You were glad you had two pairs of socks on, otherwise you might have had to postpone the trip and pay a visit to the hospital wing instead.

"I don't sound like that!" Sirius whined, handing you and Marlene your butterbeer - you've decided to stop at The Three Broomsticks.

"Of course you do, darling. And may I add that you look ravishing." you purred in your best impression of Sirius' voice. Then, you turned to Marlene and winked. "You are the most gorgeous person in here."

"Careful, that's not true." a voice caught your attention. No, no no no.

"Oi - Prongs, mate! Thought you had quidditch practice!" Sirius clapped him on the shoulder.

"Got cancelled because of the snow. Hello." he nodded and smiled towards you and Marlene, then pulled a chair at the table. It was the first time he's talked to you in weeks.

You didn't bother to answer. In fact, you didn't even look at him. The rest of your stay at the pub passed in a haze, with careless answers and quick nods.

×××

Before you knew it, you were left on a bench with James, waiting for the others to "buy some quills from Scrivenshaft's Quill Shop", as they were in big need of "quills" and "didn't have any left to write the Transfiguration essay we had due Wednesday". Oh, if only you had Transfiguration on Wednesdays!

"So… how have you been?" James trailed off, rubbing his neck. Ah, so that's how he wanted to play this game.Too bad.

"Why, James?" you ask, gazing at the shops in front of you. "Why did you ignore me? What happened that day?"

He sighed. "I don't know. I- I made a mistake. You shouldn't have found out, not like that."

"You have some guts, don't you?" you spat.

"Excuse me?" You faced him. That face - the face you dreamt about, the one you kept telling yourself you hated - you missed that face, you missed him so much that you were glad you were sitting down, for you might as well have fallen to your knees.

"Do you know how it is," you started, feeling the tears pooling in your eyes, "to feel so alone that you find yourself crying without a reason? Do you know how it feels to spend your nights wondering why you weren't enough - what you did to deserve this? Even if you did nothing wrong?"

"Do you know how it's like to watch the person you love drift away from you? To watch that person become a stranger? Do you know how it felt to know that you wouldn't even look at me?" You were now shouting. "Tell me, James! Look me in the eyes and tell me!"

Silence. You watched him trying to find an answer and you silently begged him to say something.

"Do you love me?" he whispered incredulously. Not that.

"Would it change anything if I said I do?"

"I don't know."

"Do you still love her?" You couldn't say her name.

"I don't know." He let his head fall in his hands. For the first time in weeks, you laughed. You laughed until your vision went blurry, until you felt the salty taste of your tears.

"You know nothing, James Potter." you sneered, then got up.

You made your way back to the castle alone.

×××

"Guys guys I have the most amazing idea." Sirius came rushing in the Great Hall, managing to trip and almost fall. He quickly regained his composure and continued running as if nothing had happened.

"That's new." Remus said while reading the prophet.

It's been weeks since that night in Hogsmeade, weeks in which you've avoided James at all costs, despite his numerous attempts at conversation.

"I'll choose to ignore that." Sirius glared at his friend, then continued. "Don't you all want to go for a dip?"

"I think I speak for all of us when I say that I do not intend to die in the freezing lake on a lovely day of winter." You scowl, munching on your pastries. You loved pastries. (mood)

Sirius smirked. "I'm glad you are all so joyous so early in the morning, but for your knowledge, I wasn't talking about the lake. My dear, smartass friends, I was thinking of crashing the Prefects bathroom!"

That got your attention. You looked at Remus full of hope and he shrugged.

"And how exactly are we going to do that? "

"Well, this is where our prefect friends come in handy."

"Lily would never help you do this." James cuts in.

"That's why I wasn't planning on inviting her." Much to your surprise James didn't object. "You forgot about our other prefect friend - and I'm looking at you, Moony."

You all looked at Remus who seemed a tad bit uncomfortable. "I guess - alright? But if anyone catches us, it's your fault." he pointed his finger at Sirius.

"I solemnly swear." He put his hand over his heart, then winked.

×××

"Looks like your plan to ignore James isn't gonna last." Marlene said while stuffing all the towels she could find in her bag.

"I'm aware of that." You really were. You've mentally prepared yourself to spend the night in the same room with him for the past week. "Ready? The boys are waiting."

"Yeah, let's go." You were to go to the bathroom in groups of three using the cloak, then spend the night there.

"Alright," Sirius' head popped from under the cloak "we'll go together - Remus, James and Peter are already there. Come on." he whispered.

You got to the bathroom in no time and you could feel the butterflies in your stomach. You felt pathetic - you were all going to hang out as friends.

Marlene's hand squeezed yours - everything will be alright. It was your thing; back in the day, you used to do this every time the other would be anxious about something. You looked at her and smiled, squeezing back twice - I know.

You entered and your mouth flew open. You've never seen a more luxurious bathroom before. The "bathtub" was easily the size of a medium sized pool. Greek caryatids held the archways, and the stained glass windows reflected their patterns on the marble floor tiles.

"I suddenly feel bad for not working harder to be a prefect - if I had known this would be my bathroom, I would've gladly learnt the entire History of Magic coursebook by heart" Marlene said, with a small pout on her face and her arms crossed.

"Same here." Your gaze followed the sculptures on the ceiling and slowly fell on him. He looked angelic - the way the coloured moonlight caressed his face, the faint blush on his cheeks - made him part of the setting.

There was no point in lying to yourself. You liked him, despite everything he's done, everything he's said, you continued to like him. All those comforting lies you've said were trying to cover the inevitable truth, the truth which had been well hidden somewhere deep inside your soul. Until now.

You stripped out of your clothes, fully aware of his impertinent stare. You stepped into the pool, sighing in pleasure at the warmth of the water.

"Wanna play anything?" you asked no one in particular.

"Oh, we should play shoulder wars!" Sirius exclaimed excitedly.

"I think I'm gonna skip this!" Peter announced from his chair.

You looked at James, then turned to Remus. You rose your eyebrows inquisitively, and he smiled kindly.

"I guess imma skip this one as well." James said, slightly disappointed.

"Come on, Marls, we gotta kick some ass."

And so did the games begin.

×××

You were trying, and failing miserably to keep your balance on Remus' shoulders.

"Haha- losers!" Marlene laughed. It was your sixth time losing.

"Y/N, I think I'll give up now, before this becomes too humiliating." Remus said while getting out of the water and pulling out his book.

"No Remus, you can't give up now! I know we can do this!" you saw him sit comfortably in an armchair, and something clicked into your mind. "You ditch me to read? And sabotaged me? Remus John Lupin, I'm disappointed."

"Take Prongs instead, he's far more competitive than I am." he smiled innocently. So this was his plan.

You turned to James, and he got up excitedly. You got on his shoulders, and his hands tentatively touched your legs. You saw Marlene and Sirius smirking and you glared at them.

×××

The score was close. It was the match point. Marlene was desperately trying to push you when you came up with the winning idea. You splashed some water into her face, obstructing her vision. Then, you tickled her and she fell.

"And that's how it's done!" you shout, raising your fist. Marlene's head appeared from under the water, clearly mad.

"That was not fair!"

"There's no such thing as fair!" Marlene smirked, as if she was saying oh, really? and pushed James with such brute strength that he fell, taking you with him.

He caught you before your head could hit the bottom. He lifted you up bridal style and you put your left hand around his neck and moved the other one from your nose to his shoulder. You stayed in his arms, not wanting to let go. You were gazing into each other's eyes, breathing heavily, when it hit you.

You loved him.

And he was still with Lily.

You pulled away from his embrace, breaking the stare. "It's not right - Lily…" you mutter, getting out of the water.

The others seemed all deeply interested in Remus' book. You could even hear Sirius asking questions about the plot. You turned away; James was still in the pool, in the same place, trying to make out the meaning of what happened.

It wasn't fair.

Life wasn't fair.

stay tuned for the next part and lmk what you think❤️

taglist: @futurewriter2000, @puppycat714, @booksbeforebois, @slytherinquill, @screennamealreadyused, @fific7, @with1love1anu @slytherinwriter618 @angelinathebook @mischiefsemimanaged @remibarnes22 @hxfflxpxffs @approved-by-dentists @hss20052313 @pregnant-piggy @marauderswhisperer @lumoscharlie

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oikoik · 4 years

Text

the color of a bruise (part two)

warnings; cursing, pretty vanilla so far tbh

word count; 1626

a/n; can I please just say how much I love Ennoshita,, like he seriously doesn’t get enough love and support

(8:34pm, Karasuno Headquarters, Daichi's Office)

"She isn't cut out for this."

"It's not like she has much of a choice."

"The girl never asked for this lifestyle, she did what she thought was right. You can't punish her for that, Sawamura."

The tension in room was palpable. Daichi stood with his shoulders leaned against the wall. His sharp gaze was on where Ennoshita stood across his desk. The two held their silent pissing contest until Daichi let out a dejected sigh.

"Yes, but that Good Samaritan act just landed her a one way ticket into this mess."

"But-"

Ennoshita's reoccurring concern was cut short when another voice spoke in to reason. "If Daichi didn't find her, you know they would have…" Suga was sat in one of the chairs by the desk, his long legs crossed and a look of genuine speculation etched into the soft wrinkles of his forehead. "Besides, she saved two of our recruits, we owe her for that much... And we might as well use any of her abilities since she’ll be with us for awhile."

"But what does she even have to offer? All we know is that she can aim a can of fucking mace, it's practical to assume she has no real training,"Ennoshita's hands came to rub across his jaw, the uncertainty of the situation as a whole left him on edge. If there was one thing Ennoshita didn't like, it was unidentified liabilities.

"We'll figure it out as we go, but I'm not leaving her to be killed by them. She saved two of ours, so now we save her."

Daichi spoke with such a firmness that Ennoshita knew, even if he wanted to rebuttal the claim, the use of furthering the debate would be useless. He made his decision.

It was huge. So much larger than any house you had ever stepped foot into before. Your brain didn't allow you to gawk, however. It was far too focused on the adrenaline still pumping through your veins as the account of the previous hour circulated through your memory like a broken tape.

A job, a job, a job.. Maybe they need something fixed? What the hell could you fix?... No.. Maybe a secretary! You can type! But what use would they have for secretary?.. Shit! What did they want from you?

You were scattered, your mind a jumbled mess of paranoid delusions and worst case scenarios. This wasn't good, no. But you had to keep a level head if it were to take a turn for the worse.

You cast a watchful glance towards the boy who stood at the corner of the couch. From where you sat you could see that he was in fact one of the boys you had stumbled upon that fateful night. Under proper lighting, he looked cute. His freckled face and kind eyes made you feel a bit more at ease the longer you were forced to wait. You had tried to subtly get his attention through gestures, fearful to make any noise in the otherwise silent mansion, but his eyes remained glued to the floor in an unblinking stare.

That effort had been abandoned after your fourth attempt. You closed your eyes, willing the entire house to vanish when you opened them again. If you had any such abilities, they were clearly against you tonight. When you had reopened your eyes, you nearly yelped at the new additions to the room.

Sat on the pristine white sofa across from you sat a man with neatly style silver hair. Beside him was another man of larger stature and dark eyes. He watched you with a searching stare. You were so caught in keeping your guard up that your heart skipped a beat when the silver-haired man spoke,

"Relax, we aren't going to hurt you."

The dark-haired fellow softened his gaze as he rested his elbows atop his knees. "What's your name? Your full name."

"Y/N L/N." You cringed at the sound of your own voice. It sounded broken and afraid--and while that may be the case, you'd prefer to not have your captors be aware of your current state.

"Okay, Y/N, tell me what you're thinking."

The scoff you let out was second nature. Were you the only one who realized how batshit insane this whole thing was? Most likely. "I think this is a sick game you're playing. Saying you won't hurt me just to build up my trust, and then when I least expect it, you'll have me begging for a life that was never promised." Somehow, despite the racing heart inside your ribcage, you looked up to make eye contact with the brunet.

What shocked you was that despite the chiseled features of his jaw and muscular frame, his eyes were soft as they looked at you. "I can assure you, we have no intention of bringing you any harm. I am a man of my word, and if you would like, I can explain everything in detail."

"I just want to go home."

"I'm afraid that won't be possible, Miss L/N."

Your heart nearly exploded in your chest. You hadn't noticed the third person enter. He was of average height and build, with dark ebony hair combed neatly away from his forehead. His features were colder, more serious than the other two. You didn't like the way he looked at you as if you were the cause for all his troubles.

But then again, maybe you were.

With wide eyes, you stared at the men on the couch as panic thrummed in your veins. The brunet leaned closer towards you, the palm of his hand was opened as if he were gesturing for a wild animal to calm down. "Relax, I can explain what's going to happen, but you need to settle down first."

Although oppositions nested in your brain, you willed yourself to find any last shreds of composure. You prayed they failed to notice the tremor of your hands as you clutched them tightly in your lap. You gave a small nod.

"My name is Daichi. These are my associates, Suga and Ennoshita. We work in a… taboo field of business. The two boys you had met a few night ago, Hinata and Yamaguchi, also work for me. Does this make sense so far?"

You gave him an uncertain glance, but nodded nonetheless.

"The man that had cornered Hinata and Yamaguchi works for a different… business, and he had real intent to do harm to them. Thankfully, though, you acted with bravery and helped them escape. However…" He paused.

You didn't like the way he paused. Your eyes searched his features for any giveaways. The rationale in your brain told you to dig deeper, demand to know why he was so hesitant about telling you these things, what any of this has to do with you. But your tongue was glued in your mouth, and what came out was the voice of someone defeated, "However?..."

"Because of your actions, you now have a target over your head as well."

In that moment, your heart seemingly ceased to beat. The breath in your lungs dissipated and your mind went white as the words sank in. "What- what the hell does that mean?" You feared you already knew the answer.

"It means, whether you want to believe it or not, you're wanted by one of the most powerful gangs in Japan."

You weren't sure who had said it. Most likely Ennoshita, but your mind was only able to make out two words; wanted and gangs.

Your eyes burned. It took a moment before you realized tears were falling down your cheeks. You didn't rub them away, you didn't try to hide. You merely felt. Felt the coolness of them as they rolled like rain down a window. Felt the hole in your chest become a gaping void. Felt as your world seemingly fell apart.

It was weak, a plea for help, for stability or support. It came from the deepest parts of you, and it was pathetic, "What have I done?..."

Daichi stood from where he sat to kneel in front of your slouched figure. His hands were large, they could easily grab onto you and put you out of whatever misery was coming your way, but instead, they were gentle as his calloused fingers laid atop your own. "I gave you my word that your safety is in the hands of me and my men. You saved two of mine, so now we will save you. Deal?"

When you managed to meet his gaze, you found warmth in the browns of his eyes, a deep level of comfort you never expected had you nodding solemnly.

You notice out of the corner of your eyes that the boy from earlier had reappeared. When he left, you never noticed. But now, his eyes finally looked at you. In them, you saw the same glimpses of sympathy etched into his features. You were quick to look away.

"Yamaguchi is going to take you to your room. You'll be staying here until it's safe for you to return home. I'll send someone to your apartment for clothes in the morning. Go get some rest. We’ll discuss everything else in the morning."

Being told you would have a bed to sleep in was easily the best news you had received all day. You didn't pay any attention to the vast interior of the mansion or hallways as you trailed behind Yamaguchi. You didn't take in any details of the room as you entered, either. Your body merely floated from one place to the next until you were asleep on a mattress that was far too soft for a place so cold.

#haikyuu!!#haikyuu #hq!!#haikyuu x reader #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu scenarios #haikyuu angst #haikyuu smut #mafia au #my writing #the color of a bruise

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unmanageable-day · 5 years

Text

06. Between a friend and another friend

When you are friends for so long, and it has never come across your mind to date one of them. Until one particular guy friend of yours came to offer you a relationship, a new chapter of life like no other before.

Childhood friends!AU; somewhat friends to lovers!AU (but not really lovers?)

prev | next

— the next day, 10.27 PM

You heard a knock on your door. You found it weird since usually your mother would barge in without knocking and your father would prefer to yell his lungs out calling your name. "What is it, Mo—"

It turned out it was neither your mother or father. Doyoung's presence simply surprised you. It was past 10 PM and that was when you know your father had his full trust in this guy. "How did you get here? Did you break in?" you still asked in sarcasm.

"Your father gave me access card for your house."

"What?" You squinted in disbelief. You started to think that your father might be too fond of this man.

Doyoung grinned as he entered your room. "No, I'm kidding. He opened the door and he told me to go straight to your room."

You sat on the floor, leaning your back against your bed and crossing your legs. Doyoung followed and claimed his spot beside you. "Did something happen?" he asked, noticing your fidgeting and your lost expression.

"You haven't told Taeyong, have you?" you asked back calmly, without any means to accuse him or something. "I feel terrible. I think I'm really gonna lose him now."

He silently glanced at you lowering your head. "I'm sorry."

You shook your head. "It's nobody's fault."

A rare moment of silence between you and Doyoung was happening. The only sound lingering in your room was his music player he put on earlier. Both of you were staring at nothing. Your thoughts were jumping on one to another in uncertainties. Sometimes you were deep thinking about the future with Doyoung, then the thoughts of Taeyong would creep up and make you feel guilty. But again, being with Doyoung seems to be a win-win solution for you, for him, and for both of your parents. You and Doyoung didn't do this for yourself as you were fully conscious when calling this decision. You always had this positive thought that Doyoung is better than some random dudes out there.

Suddenly your door was knocked and your mom's head popped up. "Doyoung sweetie, are you staying for the night? Would you like an extra bed?" she asked lovingly, which almost made your jaw dropped. You never knew that your parents could be so casual about you sharing a bedroom with a guy. Well, at least it was not a random guy.

"Mom," you called her out in embarrassment.

"You're getting married anyway. I think living together prior to the big day would be a good idea." She even winked to Doyoung.

"Mom!" you shrieked in quiet.

Doyoung chuckled lightly. "I would love to stay but I don't think this princess is ready for that." He got up and bid good bye to your parents. Your mother was being nosy telling you to escort him until the parking lot. So you did. Doyoung became all smiley because of that.

"Be careful on your way. Drive safely," you said to him, thinking he would go home directly.

He grinned wide. He didn't hop in immediately to his car as he was taking his time staying with you. "Come visit my parents when you have time."

You nodded.

"How about next Saturday?"

You nodded again.

He looked at you a bit longer, somewhat observing the odd silence behavior. "Jooyeon, are you sure about this?"

You chuckled blankly. "I don't know."

"Do you want to call it off?"

You shrugged. "I don't know."

"I know Taeyong is important for you. It's okay if you don't want to continue this thing.. whatever our relationship is now."

"Even if we cancel this, it's not like Taeyong and I can go back to the old days." You drew a smile. But he knew that was a desperate smile, knowing that there was nothing you could do to make up with Taeyong. That guy really can't accept the fact of you being with his best friend.

"I know this may sound ridiculous, since we don't have that kind of romantic relationship. But I want you to know that when it comes to marriage and having a partner for a life-time, I want it to be my first and last," Doyoung stated. "So, Jooyeon, if you're firm about us, I will really proceed everything quickly. So there is no turning back." He paused, waiting for your response. "But if you're not..."

"Right." You cut him off. "At least I still have you. You promised we'll still be friends, right?"

"You have my word." Then he reached your hands, gripping them tightly. "Whatever we are later, I will be by your side as your bestest friend, so you can be sure that we're walking in the same pace. When needed, I will walk in front of you, lead you, and protect you. Like an older brother. Maybe sometimes I will also walk behind you, and support you. Like a father."

You gasped as you covered your nose and mouth. "That's my dad's words."

He smiled, signing a yes. He received a long lecture from your dad when he met him officially to express his intention, which you never knew. He never told you that. Now he only wished that he could be walking with you in the same pace to the same direction. "Now do I get an answer?"

You tilted your head, chuckling. "Are you aware of yourself that you never take no as an answer?"

"So that's a yes, am I right?"

"How about no?"

"Then I will try again tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, and the next day after the day after tomorrow."

"Let's see you trying again then?"

Both of you giggled. Finally you showed that sincere smile. Doyoung sighed in relief. He opened his arms and he said, "Come here."

Without thinking much, you really went to his embrace. The hug felt different compared to when he was just one of your regular friends. It felt warmer and a lot more comforting now. The fact your father trusted him with all his might made you look at him differently now.

#nct scenarios #nct imagines #nct fanfic #nct au #nct blurbs #nct drabbles #nct angst #nct doyoung #doyoung imagines #kpop fanfiction #kpop fanfic #kpop imagines #kpop scenarios #kpop angst #post by yourblinkies

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getitinbusan · 5 years

Text

The Lost Boys Series: Kim Namjoon

Driving down the dark road you waited for the box of lights that kept the station illuminated to appear. In the distance you could just make them out, they were like a homing beacon in the night, and like a moth you just couldn't stay away. It had been a bad day and only Joon could fix it. Your tires slowed as you pulled in, the headlights shining into the window alerting him to your arrival.

He walked out and crossed his arms on your open window, resting his head on top of them he gave you a dimpled smile, "Full Service tonight Y/N?" Turning the ignition off, you climbed out of your large black Range Rover and walked around the vehicle to stand next to him. "I don't know why such a tiny girl needs such a big car," he chuckled while wrapping his arms around you. "Only the best for my family Joon, if it's not a status symbol it's not for us," you'd repeated your father's motto so many times it rolled out of your mouth too easily. He dropped his arms and began to walk away from you taking up a defensive position by the pump. "So what happened today? What pissed you off so much that you came looking to slum it with me?" He was unusually mad at your words, his face turned into a frown and his eyes looked sad. "Hey, Joon… what's going on? I thought we were both cool with this?" you questioned him but you weren't sure you wanted an answer. "I'm just trying to correlate how my dick is good enough for you but I'm not," and there it was. For the past 8 months you'd been showing up here whenever you needed him. What was he to you? A friend with benefits, an ego boost, an escape? "Joon please, you know my situation. I can't just leave my fiance and disappoint my family. I thought you were okay with helping me let off steam." You walked over to him and laid your hand on his shoulder, "You're the only real thing I have in my life." Sighing he looped his finger into the waist of your jeans and pulled you close to him, "It's starting to hurt Y/N." You leaned your head onto his chest and inhaled, the smell of gasoline hung onto his clothes creating a scent memory that made you crave him.

"What should I do Joon? You know how I feel about you but my family would disown me, I'd lose everything." You looked up at him hoping he could just understand. He knew he had nothing to promise you other than his love and his poetry, so he offered the one tangible thing he could, "I'd take care of you in all the ways he can't," You began to say his name when he cut your words off with his lips. Gripping your hips he pulled you closer. "I know he can't fuck you like I can, you wouldn't be here if he could" he gripped your hair and ran his tongue up your neck sending shivers down your spine. Grabbing his hand you pulled him into the building, the bell ringing above the door frantically as you made your way into the store. You pushed him back against the counter and fumbled with his belt desperately trying to get it undone. "Right here?" he asked "Aren't you afraid someone will see?" Rubbing his hardened cock you stopped to look him in the eye and teased, "You're not getting shy on me now are you Joon?" He stopped you and cupped your face, "Y/N, I'm not the one with something to lose. I'll take you right here in front of the window if it's what you want." You dropped to your knees and kissed his bulge through his jeans stopping to bite delicately at the tip. A soft "fuck" escaped his mouth, "please baby"

You loved when he begged, nothing got you wetter faster than knowing how much he wanted you. Lifting his shirt you moaned at the sight of his pubic trail, your nose against his abdomen licking your way down its path. Popping the button of his denims you looked up at him while slowly working the zipper down. His blue boxers sat low on his hips and you pushed them down just enough to expose his rock hard cock. Reaching in you cupped your hand around his balls and rubbed them while he twitched impatiently waiting for your mouth. He looked beautiful with his eyes closed, his smile upturned, and his muscular chest moving with his heavy deep breathes. His cock always smelled like soap, and it turned you on thinking about how he must give himself a few gratuitous pumps in the shower, maybe thinking about you. Your head was spinning, you needed him, wanted to give him something more, wrapping your arms around him grabbing his ass you thrust him towards you. Circling his beautiful firm pink tip with your tongue you teased the bead of precum leaking from his slit. "God you taste good" you let out before plunging him deep into your throat. The animalistic grunt he let out encouraged you to continue. Wrapping your fingers tightly around his base you held him firm while you pushed and pulled your mouth over his length working him into a moaning mess.

Suddenly he stopped you, pulling you up into him he swung you around to the back of the counter and pushed you down out of sight. "Shhh," he whispered, you could hear a series of voices approaching. The bell chimed, you were no longer alone, "Hey Joon, what time are you off tonight? Should we wait around?" It was a male voice speaking but hearing others in the background you guessed it was his band of housemates. "No, it's okay, I think I might be late closing tonight," he answered, trying to get them to leave. You decided to keep going, see how he'd handle a little head under the counter. Your hand was still wet with saliva so you began pumping his now softening erection, giving his exposed balls little kitten licks while he tried to hold a conversation. The frustration on his face trying not to surrender to the pleasure you were giving him was humorous. A deep voice broke through the others, "Is that the famous Y/N's Range Rover out there?" you froze, had he told them about you? He stammered trying to come up with an answer, "Yeah, it needs some work so she left it here." There was laughter amongst the boys and too many things being said, you strained to hear while keeping pace. "You love her", "You are so whipped Namjoon", "Are we ever going to meet her, I for one don't believe she's real", "I told you guys he wasn't going to break up with her like he said", "Yeah, I thought you said you were calling it off." You halted your movements in reaction to this information knowing his dick needed to not be in your mouth anymore. He glanced down at you on your knees hiding behind a gas station counter, unflattering fluorescents highlighting the tears glazing over your eyes, you were still the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. He felt like an asshole, his head hurt at the thought that this may be the last time he'd see you. He had to explain, "Listen guys, the boss has been reviewing our shift tapes and I don't want to get in trouble for having you hanging around, I'll just meet up with you later back home" you didn't see it, but his eyes looked down towards the counter hoping they'd get the hint. "Oh! Shit, sorry Joon, ahh.. yeah we'll get going." The bell chimed, you were alone again.

He reached his hand out to help you up and pulled you into his arms. "I'm so fucking sorry Y/N." You couldn't be mad, how could you blame him? You had a fiance, you were using him for sex, you knew he deserved so much more than you. "I guess we had to end it eventually," you said as a tear fell down your cheek. "Is it because you don't love me?" He shook his head at you, "Without you, there’s no me, you’re the best of me." You threaded your fingers with his and grasped his hand tightly, "I love you Joon." Kissing you softly he whispered, "I love you too."

In a desperate last attempt, you tangled your fingers into his hair and pulled him closer to you, your lips became one, your tongues searching for their counterpart. Lifting you up he placed you down on the customer service counter and moved to stand in between your legs. As close as he was, it wasn't enough, "Joon I need you inside me" it sounded desperate but you didn't care, the thought of never being with him again was devastating. He gently caressed your cheek and wiped away a tear that lingered there with his thumb. "It doesn't have to be over, but you have to choose, I can't share you anymore," his hand slid under your skirt and his fingers moved delicately over your panties. "Don't talk, just let me prove how much I love you." Shifting the fabric to the side he ran his fingers through your wetness until he was coated enough to slide one into you. With one finger inside and his thumb drawing circles on your clit he used his other hand to unbutton your blouse. Pulling down the cup of your bra he exposed your erect nipple and leaned in to circle it with his tongue. He was well aware that combining the two moves affected you in the best way. He knew your body, your needs, he could make you cum in seconds if he wanted to, but he didn't want to, not tonight. He let you enjoy a few more minutes until he stopped, getting on his knees he grabbed your panties and pulled them down tossing them aside. Pushing your thighs apart you could feel his warm breath getting closer to where you wanted him the most. His tongue moved slowly over your clit, circling and sucking as he slid his fingers back in. Taking his time, he languidly enjoyed every drop of excitement he coaxed out of you. Your legs started to shake, and he eased himself away, "I need you to slow down baby, I want you to cum with me, okay?" You could only nod in agreement, your head was floating in the clouds incapable of coherent thoughts or words. His mouth met yours softly, and you moaned into the kiss. He pulled away and smiled knowing that tasting yourself on his lips turned you on more than it should. His stiff cock was still out and he couldn't take waiting anymore. Moving in to meet your entrance, the counter height lined you up perfectly. He slowly pushed into you and simultaneous sighs escaped you both. This was right, he belonged here, how could this be the end? You became a tangle of arms, legs and mouths, not wanting to miss any part of each other. Reaching the end, climax imminent, he held onto you tightly while he gave his final thrusts and came inside you. Neither of you moved, afraid to break away the tears rolled down your cheeks. His hand was in your hair and he whispered "I want to be a part of your page, I want to Interfere in your story, as your lover." He fell out of you, now limp and pulled away, turning his back on you. He was zipping himself up and the permanence of it all hit like a ton of bricks. "Joon, please…" you pleaded, "I just can't anymore," he choked out through his tears. "No, listen to me… please…Joon, take me home," you placed your hand on his shoulder and he turned back to look at you. His eyes were red and his lips were quivering, "My home?" you nodded. He was at a loss, "It's not what your used to Y/N, it's dirty and I live with 6 guys… "Joon, as long as I'm with you it doesn't matter. With you, anywhere will be my home."

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punkscowardschampions · 5 years

Text

Janis & Jimmy

Janis: I know we said no more plans Janis: but hear me out Jimmy: Go on Janis: I'm sick of my fam being on my back Janis: and they've only ramped it up since the whole joyride, which didn't even happen so Janis: 💡 Jimmy: What? Janis: It's a bit weird but reckon you can handle it, it won't take much Janis: 'cos obvs they think you're so 😎 you've just gotta come and be 😇 at 'em for a sec so they calm down Janis: like I said, their concern does not ever last long but I can't hack this bullshit, my sister's at it now as well Jimmy: I ain't going to church but if it ain't that Janis: Church nan ain't white nan, you're fine Janis: unless you hit her up too Jimmy: Is she as fit as your white nan 'cause then I might do Janis: questions like this are why you're in the bad books Jimmy: I weren't planning to bend her over a pew, you're alright Jimmy: I can fake 😇 Janis: Can you not be so disgusting please Janis: heavy dose of the good 📔 asap Jimmy: You gonna give me a smack with it? Janis: You'd obvs like it so no Janis: focus, boy Jimmy: 💔 Jimmy: So business like today, you Jimmy: there an actual plan then or what? Janis: Um yes Janis: got your listening 👂s on now? Jimmy: crack on and we'll see Janis: not rocket science, like Janis: just got to come over and not sneak in, actually acknowledge my parents exist for once Janis: no fucker else is here, even Gracie is gone so I'll want to die slightly less Jimmy: I'll bring my homework, ain't started owt yet & there's a art project that you're the perfect muse for Janis: Good thinking Janis: you know, be yourself, they ain't thick but show them that there's definitely no 💀pact going on here Janis: just 🤓💕 Jimmy: I get it, no using our blood as paint Jimmy: 👍 Janis: 💔 Janis: no one more than me, trust Jimmy: I'll 💀💀💀 you first chance I get baby Janis: 🤤🤤🤤 Janis: just get through dinner Janis: what do you like, anyway Jimmy: When? Janis: oh, tonight Janis: if you can? Jimmy: I don't have any white robes, like Jimmy: What else do 😇 wear? Janis: as discussed, burning cross is fine Janis: not to wear just to show your true colours, whitey Janis: 🤔 idk Jimmy: You have to kill me yourself, Jules, the death pact ain't between me, your dad and his shotgun Janis: Not likely Janis: total hippie pacifist loser Janis: gives you an idea of the dresscode but I won't be able to pretend I'm 😍 Janis: can only act so much Jimmy: So 😎 but in yellow or some shit? Jimmy: 👌 Janis: maybe you should ask Mia Janis: queen of fashion Jimmy: Hang on then Janis: 😏 Jimmy: She's typing Janis: edge of my seat Janis: she's so witty Jimmy: #same Jimmy: 👀🍿 Janis: 😂 Janis: must be buzzing Janis: not getting any #content from gracie rn Jimmy: I'm gonna need you to skim read this back to me, I don't do essays in the hols Janis: so chatty, her Janis: RBF would never give it away Jimmy: [sends whatever the hell Mia has] Jimmy: what colour is the new black? Janis: awh, she misses us too Janis: very helpful, basically, ditch the 😎 and your usual is fine Jimmy: 👍 Janis: you actually alright with this, yeah Jimmy: Do you want me to kick off to prove I'm obvs still 😎 and you're alright to still fancy me? Janis: shut up Janis: it's just idk Janis: bit serious Janis: but they will not leave me alone it's ridiculous Jimmy: Don't ask them if I can 💍 you ✔ Jimmy: or 💀💀💀 you ✔✔ Janis: about the gist Janis: dickhead Janis: don't need to like you that much Janis: then you'll never escape 'em either Jimmy: It's nowt I can't handle Jimmy: have had a girlfriend before, like Jimmy: she had parents an' all, even with the northern life expectancy at about 51 Janis: I'm sure they were normal people though Janis: #normalfornorthern Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: Yeah I were just begging them to take me in Jimmy: thing were she was begging her dad's best mate to take her out Janis: 😬 Janis: would've made mealtimes a bit awks Jimmy: It did do when they were playing footsie under the table Jimmy: but he's got them well and truly under now so it all came right in the end Janis: Gross Janis: we've got a similar story but defs one to avoid Janis: touchy subject, literally Jimmy: 🤐 about that on the night, gotcha girl Janis: 👍 Janis: weren't me though, 'fore you ask Jimmy: weren't about to Jimmy: there's some shit I'm better off not knowing, I reckon Janis: not very #goals Janis: meant to be dying to know everything about me Jimmy: then I'd have to return the favour Jimmy: you're alright Janis: my thoughts exactly Jimmy: 💕 Janis: can get back to whatever shit you were up to then Jimmy: ☕🎨 Janis: wouldn't have been impressive if I'd guessed then Janis: good to know Jimmy: least you've got a clue Jimmy: they've got me teaching the new lass Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: trusts you again, at least Janis: gutted though Jimmy: no other dickhead'll do it Jimmy: she nearly melted Pete's beautiful face off Janis: 😱 Janis: why weren't she sacked on the spot Janis: can't be risking their best asset like that Jimmy: She's the manager's goddaughter or some bollocks Janis: shameless nepotism and all Janis: scandal Jimmy: You were right though, no doubt he's my #ultimatewingman Jimmy: me and her, all this steam Janis: nothing as romantic as minor scalds Janis: 🙄 Jimmy: when you've seen a lass' milk frothing technique Janis: mhmm Janis: when that technique leaves half the staff needed to raid the first aid box Jimmy: #livingdangerously Jimmy: 😎🚬 Janis: you're so dumb Jimmy: 💔 ow Jimmy: worst burn of all that were Janis: Not my finest I'm aware but not on the clock Jimmy: what are you doing then, rich girl? Jimmy: if it ain't making fancy food for tonight, I'll be well offended Janis: and take away the only use my father has? Janis: I would never Janis: doing fuck all, if it suits your #poorlittlerichgirl narrative Jimmy: So come here Jimmy: Don't have to be 😇 at the CG Janis: you're busy Jimmy: I'm 💀💀💀 Janis: you're 🎓 Jimmy: Do you want me to survive til tonight or not? Janis: I mean if you died in a tragic steam related accident, they'll just be trying to comfort me so yeah Janis: probs Jimmy: Alright, dickhead Jimmy: I'll let her ⚰👻 me Jimmy: You only had the one job for fuck's sake Jimmy: 👋😘 Janis: Don't be a twat Janis: let her do it and you'll end up a 🥕 Jimmy: What? can't 👂 you being a twat over the sound of my 😱😱😱 Jimmy: it ain't quite death throes but she's getting somewhere Janis: go die quietly Janis: we ain't friends no more and I won't miss you Jimmy: with all them 🎻🎻 playing, how can I? Janis: seriously Jimmy: It's their livelihood this orchestra, the lads take it well seriously Janis: such a windup Jimmy: you Janis: how am I Janis: 🃏 Jimmy: soz, can't come to the phone 'cause I'm 💀💀💀 Jimmy: I'll miss you even though you don't me Janis: stop being so basic and I might Jimmy: bit rude Jimmy: I'm in work and that's my job description near enough in full Janis: and they all 💕 it Jimmy: You jealous? Janis: why would I be Jimmy: that ain't an answer Janis: you're one to talk, boy Jimmy: Why am I? Janis: 'cos you always do that Jimmy: what are you on about, Jennifer? Janis: 🙄 Janis: you, div Janis: always answer questions with a question Jimmy: Bollocks Janis: Er yeah you do Janis: not gonna make it up Jimmy: I answer loads of questions Janis: yeah Janis: sure, I don't ask you loads so Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: ugh Janis: be nice Jimmy: you Janis: I am Janis: you're trying to make me jealous for some reason Jimmy: Why would I do that? Janis: You tell me Jimmy: you tell me, you're the one who reckons I'm doing it Janis: you're the one that keeps chatting about the new girl Jimmy: I ain't said nowt about her Janis: if you hadn't, I wouldn't know she existed Jimmy: if you don't wanna know what I'm up to, say that Janis: you can tell me without taking the piss Jimmy: No I can't, she's that shit Janis: Bummer Jimmy: Are you gonna stop being a dickhead now or what? Janis: Probably not Janis: genetic Janis: and I've got a lifelong streak going so Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: in a bit then Janis: that's rude Janis: don't act like you didn't know Jimmy: had my 🤞 you were faking it, like Jimmy: 💔 Janis: too bad Jimmy: 🎻🎻 Janis: bye Janis: arsehole Jimmy: now that's rude Janis: I got the hint Janis: no need for pleasantries Jimmy: 🥇🧠 you Jimmy: grabbing hints I ain't even putting about Jimmy: no need for you to be in a right mard more like Janis: you've been pretty clear Janis: even without answering questions Janis: forget it, like Jimmy: clear about what? that I wanna see you, yeah Jimmy: I get that your parents are on your case but I ain't done nowt but said I'll help Janis: no Janis: never mind Janis: I need to get out of this house Jimmy: So come here Jimmy: like I said Janis: I'm clearly in a bad mood, like you said Jimmy: and what? Janis: you don't need that Jimmy: Bollocks Jimmy: I always need you Janis: say it again Jimmy: I need you all the fucking time, alright? Janis: yeah Janis: definitely alright Janis: more than Jimmy: then just Janis: I am Jimmy: Are you? Jimmy: 'cause I Janis: the bus ain't here but yeah Janis: I really wanna see you Janis: know it ain't been any time really but Jimmy: You need to move in with your fit nan, girl Jimmy: living in the middle of nowt ain't working Jimmy: I'll go have a word Janis: you did not hit it off as well as you're reckoning, babe Janis: soz Jimmy: actually 💔 Jimmy: no salt needed for this caramel with all them 😭 of mine Janis: 😏 Janis: know how you feel Janis: being the favourite had its perks, namely that spare room Janis: no more Jimmy: I don't how that feels but being no fuckers fave has its perks an' all Jimmy: namely I don't give a damn if Ian don't want you in my room Janis: come on, you're definitely the boy's fave Janis: not like its Ian Jimmy: It's Grace Jimmy: he's too young to know better obvs Janis: how she likes 'em Janis: where she is atm, so my other sister can swan about being the ultimate rich girl Jimmy: You're gonna have to stay, if only to win our kid round Jimmy: I just ain't having it Janis: tryna pit me against her ain't the best idea to get me to do anything, FYI Janis: but luckily I wanna anyway Jimmy: I ain't saying that, I'm saying do it for me Jimmy: and I'll do owt for you Janis: a lot to promise Jimmy: only if you're asking for a lot off me Janis: d'ya trust me then Jimmy: Should I? Janis: I don't know Janis: probably not, track record would say Jimmy: There a but coming? Janis: I want you to Jimmy: There you are then Janis: I will try Janis: no promises though Jimmy: no need for any Jimmy: got my own track record, going round in my head, talking shit Janis: yeah Janis: s'alright Janis: just promise to 💔 in an interesting, inventive way at least Janis: and I won't cheat on you Jimmy: you'll be a 🥇 muse til the end Jimmy: make it easy that Janis: you're welcome Jimmy: 💕 Janis: won't let on I ain't got a 🖤 to break Jimmy: you mean you can't 'cause it'd be fake Janis: you reckon Jimmy: I've 👂 it in there, babe Janis: must've been your own Janis: long since 💀👑 remember Jimmy: Yours is faster Jimmy: such an athlete you Janis: alright Janis: since you've been cute about it Jimmy: You feeling alright? Janis: ha ha Janis: I can relent, tah Jimmy: I was expecting a challenge Jimmy: ready to take my pulse an' all there I were Janis: anything but actual work with you Jimmy: 😏 Janis: didn't admit it was fast 'cos of you or anything so I still win Jimmy: you didn't deny it were Jimmy: go on Janis: not the point Janis: shh Jimmy: say it then Janis: why Jimmy: you reckon it's true, why not? Janis: because 😳 Janis: is why Jimmy: You're so Jimmy: when you 😳 Janis: are you taking the piss Janis: it's your fault so Jimmy: I'm not Janis: good Janis: don't, like Janis: 'cos I Jimmy: I'm not, like Jimmy: you're just really Jimmy: it Jimmy: 💀💀💀s me Janis: I just want you Janis: a lot Jimmy: it's alright Janis: I'm glad 😏 Jimmy: be 💔 if you weren't Janis: trying to tell you how much I am here Jimmy: go on Janis: I'm no poet Janis: or 🔥 sext writer Janis: but I think about you too much Janis: and I'd rather be with you than doing fuck all else Jimmy: What do you think? Janis: about you? Jimmy: Yeah Janis: Just like Janis: everything Janis: the way you look and sound Janis: when I touch you Janis: how you feel Janis: how it feels when you touch me Jimmy: It feels different with you too Jimmy: than I thought it would Jimmy: and it's been before Jimmy: I get it Janis: yeah Janis: a bit Jimmy: 🤏 Janis: it's different Jimmy: I don't wanna call you a ❄ right now Jimmy: but you are different Jimmy: you make me feel Janis: I ain't ever before Janis: felt, like Jimmy: no 🖤 you, I heard Janis: No I mean Janis: idk Jimmy: go on, I'll still get my head through the door when you get here Jimmy: promise Janis: I ain't had a boyfriend 'cos it was just Janis: nothing Janis: guess they were all just shit, yeah Jimmy: Getting with people you ain't seeing again is a bit Jimmy: the chemistry's there or it ain't Jimmy: you don't really have chance to say owt unless you're the dickhead giving out ratings after Janis: doubt it would've phased him Janis: head bigger than yours Jimmy: that's your type then Janis: shut up Janis: I ain't got a type Jimmy: You just gave yourself away there, girl Janis: I reckon it's a series of unfortunate events Janis: actually Jimmy: 💔🎻💔 Janis: ugh Jimmy: that were for me not you Jimmy: 🥇 boyfriend and still 😭😭 Jimmy: can't win with you Janis: you do Janis: that's the whole point Jimmy: beat out knobhead with a bigger head 🏆💪 Jimmy: get it engraved on the 🏆 Janis: go on then Janis: add the time you gave him mad evils Jimmy: Hang on Jimmy: I've had the pleasure an' all Janis: mhmm Janis: lucky you Jimmy: nowt's coming to mind Jimmy: his head ain't that big after all 💔 for you Janis: you were probably wasted Jimmy: Alright, pisshead, now I know you're taking the piss Janis: wanna admit you weren't Jimmy: you've seen me wasted once, there were scotch and buses involved Jimmy: only the one bellend and I'm related to him Jimmy: OMG is Ian your ex 😱😱😱 Janis: 😂 Janis: yeah Janis: you guessed it, very bitter about it Jimmy: that explains feeling nowt Jimmy: he can't get it up, why he's fuming all the time Janis: that explains that too Janis: sadly not how I remember it so Janis: insulting you'd suggest such a thing Jimmy: keep them memories to yourself, tah Janis: rude Janis: you talk about your ex Jimmy: she's a mum but she ain't yours Janis: pst Janis: it ain't actually Ian Jimmy: sounds like what you'd say if it were, that Jimmy: and no need to list every lad on the back of my 🏆 like Janis: fuck off Jimmy: bit rude Janis: rude you're calling me a slag Jimmy: never said that Jimmy: you said they were all shit Jimmy: that's more than the one you reckon I've met Janis: only the one in brazil Janis: very unlikely you've bumped into him Jimmy: #plottwist Janis: 😱 Jimmy: I'm just trying to say Jimmy: whatever you did before I got here or before we were a real #goals couple Jimmy: you don't need to tell me Jimmy: I'm not gonna make it weird Janis: just say you don't want to Janis: it's fine Jimmy: that's not Janis: Whatever Jimmy: Shut up, no Jimmy: I haven't done owt Janis: then drop it Jimmy: stop fighting with me Jimmy: I like you so much Jimmy: that's all I were trying to get at Janis: well I was just trying to Janis: it don't matter Janis: it's alright Jimmy: I'm sorry, I'll shut up Janis: you don't have to be sorry Jimmy: 🤐 me Janis: but I wanna talk to you Janis: know I'm shit at it Jimmy: I'm the one who keeps putting my foot in it today Janis: nah Janis: you're good Janis: at all of it Jimmy: Bollocks, I'm crap Janis: no you ain't Janis: I'm the one who don't get it Jimmy: what? Janis: 🖤 remember Jimmy: yeah but that was before Jimmy: mine weren't 💕 and 🌹 either Jimmy: we're in this together Janis: I Janis: I'm trying Jimmy: 🥇 you Jimmy: I mean it Janis: tah Jimmy: 💕 Jimmy: we can just Janis: yeah? Jimmy: it's alright with me Jimmy: more than Jimmy: how things are going Janis: good Janis: just tell me Janis: I feel like Janis: starting shit fake just makes it even more confusing Jimmy: Not a top 💡 Jimmy: I get it, alright Jimmy: I weren't expecting owt like this to come from it Jimmy: I weren't gonna let it Janis: yeah, obviously, like Janis: not as if I'm saying you knew from the off or anything Janis: or like if you had just sent me an unsolicited dick pic or something then this would all be so easy Jimmy: obvs that would have worked an' all Jimmy: been ages for me, chatting lasses up though Janis: I get it Janis: when you look like that you don't need to Jimmy: 1. 😳 Jimmy: 2. I didn't wanna Janis: you had other shit Janis: not the be all end all Jimmy: feeling nowt ❌ for me Jimmy: weren't gonna happen Jimmy: unless I 👻⚰ Janis: being dead makes everything easier Jimmy: that's where I fucked up most Jimmy: just makes you fitter and more mysterious Jimmy: don't need to tell you 🧛 girl Janis: you're too nice Janis: have to really commit to being a dead cunt, like Jimmy: 😂 Janis: 💀 serious Janis: even gracie can see it Jimmy: that I'm too nice or that you ain't? Janis: both but latter goes without saying Jimmy: that's what I were thinking Jimmy: but the former is only for tips Janis: alright Jimmy: at least fake believe me, Joanne Janis: not what a cunt would do Jimmy: you're not a cunt to me Jimmy: only a massive dickhead Janis: give me time Jimmy: not for that Janis: 💕 Janis: like I said, I'm trying Jimmy: if you weren't, I wouldn't be Jimmy: like I said, it's never felt like Jimmy: I've not Janis: just like the first time yeah Jimmy: no Jimmy: thank fuck Janis: was your ex your first gf Jimmy: and only Jimmy: til now Janis: really Jimmy: you're surprised? Janis: I'd have guessed at least a couple Jimmy: we were together ages Jimmy: not actually in my 40s Janis: makes sense Jimmy: did at the time, she was a mate first Jimmy: about for everything Jimmy: I didn't have to explain how much of a headcase my dad were Jimmy: or that my mum Janis: s'nice Janis: easy Janis: my idea of hell for me but there's logic to it Jimmy: It weren't though Jimmy: she might've been nice and easy but not to me Jimmy: every other lad in the north Janis: why'd you stay with her for ages then Jimmy: Does it matter? Janis: maybe Jimmy: Why? Janis: 'cos if you're just a glutton for punishment then I should probably go Jimmy: Do you wanna go? Janis: no Janis: but I should if you're just trying to get hurt Jimmy: might've been then Jimmy: that's not this Janis: okay Jimmy: we were just doing what we saw our parents do Jimmy: like maybe if we could make it work it meant they just weren't giving it a decent enough go Jimmy: then I could turn around to them and say crack on Jimmy: fuck it up differently tah Janis: you and everyone else Janis: only reason the species is still going Janis: got to be arrogant enough to reckon you can right all their wrongs Jimmy: I weren't gonna raise a kid she had with her dad's mate to prove owt though Jimmy: so that were the end of that Janis: done better than all the blokes in my fam then Jimmy: 🥇 me, my dear Janis: 🤡 them Jimmy: then my plan were to just crack on with any lasses who were up for it Jimmy: but turns out I weren't Jimmy: 🎻😭💔 Janis: you really couldn't fake it? Janis: taking your oscar back tbh Jimmy: if you don't know by now that I weren't faking nowt with you, take all your own 🏆🏆🏆🏆 back Janis: I Janis: I fucked with it all too Janis: which was annoying because you were such a dickhead Jimmy: Oi Jimmy: you're the dickhead Janis: you were though Janis: even if you've shown your true 😇 ways Jimmy: couldn't have you falling for me, Juliet Jimmy: with every other lass already 😍😍😍 Janis: oh please Janis: you were not concerned about that, mr big ego Jimmy: 😱 Janis: don't act like I gave you any indication I was that bitch Jimmy: you said you were into it, how do you reckon you weren't giving me them? Janis: into it don't = 😍 at you does it Jimmy: Alright 🤤 then Janis: 😏 Janis: didn't deny that idiot Jimmy: would if you could Janis: no I wouldn't Jimmy: just to be awkward you would Janis: 😒 Janis: you want awkward Janis: k Jimmy: I want you Jimmy: I can sort your mood out Janis: bold Jimmy: and true an' all Jimmy: Deny that Janis: just making more work for yourself rn Janis: shh Jimmy: I ain't scared of it, rich girl Jimmy: I'll show you Janis: don't be so Jimmy: what? Janis: everything Janis: distracting Jimmy: you Janis: it's all you Janis: I feel mental Jimmy: keep that between us Jimmy: challenge's been accepted, you gotta give me a chance to win your parents round Janis: all about the heroics of rescuing me Janis: I know Jimmy: Nah, fed up of lasses in distress, me Jimmy: have a go at helping me Jimmy: if and when you fancy it Janis: easy Jimmy: so 💪 you Janis: obvs Janis: and you're so damn helpable Jimmy: you're a bit nice Jimmy: I won't say owt to anyone though Janis: no one would believe you, baby Jimmy: I could prove it but I don't want you to stop Janis: you just Janis: deserve it Jimmy: that your plan now? Jimmy: 💀💀💀 without touching or looking at me Jimmy: just niceness Janis: ain't that the phrase Janis: still need to see you though don't take that from me Jimmy: I dunno can't think of owt else but you Jimmy: being here Janis: I'm not sorry Jimmy: might be when you hear how fast my 💓 is Janis: nah, saving you, remember Janis: you're safe with me, like Jimmy: yeah so shit at this you Jimmy: nowt close to the right words them Janis: I'm trying, you know that Janis: wanna have something right for once Jimmy: Baby Jimmy: you do loads right Janis: maybe Janis: plenty wrong too though Jimmy: sounds and feels fake to me, that Janis: I'm alright with you thinking it is Jimmy: get alright with how 🥇 you are Janis: be alright with how much I like you Jimmy: I am Janis: Good Janis: it'd be really hard to stop now so Jimmy: don't then Janis: tell me you don't want me to Jimmy: [voice memo cos extra and never does any work clearly] Janis: okay Janis: a bit 😍 Janis: maybe Jimmy: 🤏 Janis: that's what I'll tell this bus driver anyway Janis: 👀 to the front Jimmy: oh he wants to see something? hang on Jimmy: [😒 selfie] Jimmy: crack on, dickhead, my missus could walk here faster Janis: 😂 Janis: putting that as my phone background Jimmy: 💕 Jimmy: Give me a new one then Janis: [looking whatever kind of cute she would be tbh] Jimmy: Oi Janis: ? Janis: weren't flipping you off or anything Jimmy: where's my warning? Jimmy: I just dropped a flat white Janis: victimless crime Janis: drink it hard if you're gonna, people Janis: and if that's how you react to a 📸 better meet me outside Jimmy: it's alright, I blamed the new girl Jimmy: send me a video and we might get her the sack Janis: I'll get on it then Jimmy: 👍 Janis: hate her already Jimmy: me too Janis: nice save Jimmy: come on, babe Jimmy: don't like any dickhead but you Janis: 💕 Janis: but see how you excluded Pete and the 👴👵 by saying dickheads so Janis: 💔 Jimmy: I'm only human, soz Jimmy: reminds me though Jimmy: he's got #band drama Jimmy: if you really wanna be a hero 🎤 Janis: 😱 Janis: how's he gonna make it big at this rate Jimmy: with you as the voice and face #duh Janis: you wanna live that groupie fantasy and have the whole band or? Jimmy: 1. I'll be the 📷 Jimmy: 2. just you and him Jimmy: 3. I'll tell him you'll audition then Janis: 1. obvs Janis: 2. double obvs, can't all be the #face Janis: 3. lol no Jimmy: 4. 💔 Janis: you will be when he's 😬 at my voice Jimmy: don't call my bf stupid Jimmy: he knows 🤩🤩🤩 when he sees and hears it Janis: I would never Janis: love him too, thanks Jimmy: #loveyourself too then tah Janis: stop being a dork Jimmy: 😱 Janis: come on, I wanna talk about you, not me Jimmy: I'll 🤐 Janis: you can Janis: it's fun to make you loud Jimmy: how much longer are you gonna be stuck on the bus? Janis: too long Janis: I'm really Jimmy: tell me Janis: I'm just Janis: I need to be alone with you already Jimmy: you should've let me let the new girl melt my face off Jimmy: we could've been alone in the back of an ambulance Janis: famously not, don't let you just piss about back there Janis: and I can get us alone without involving any bimbos Janis: or ruining your beautiful face Jimmy: must give less of a shit up north 'cause I swear I have Jimmy: might've been more out of it than the memory suggests Janis: pisshead Jimmy: so sweet you Janis: soz Jimmy: I get it, it's hard for you being a lightweight Jimmy: especially when I'm so 💪🏆 Janis: far as I remember it, I've looked after you, not the other way 'round Jimmy: leave it out Janis: just saying Jimmy: that was one time Jimmy: and if you wanna get stuck into Ian's supply after a party I'll do it for you Janis: I can look after myself Janis: 💪🏆 Jimmy: me an' all Janis: 'course Jimmy: I can Janis: No, I know Janis: not taking the piss Jimmy: 👍 Janis: I didn't mean to Jimmy: forget about it Janis: but actually Jimmy: I said forget about it Janis: told you I'm shit don't let it ruin it Jimmy: It's not you, is it? Janis: what Jimmy: what that night turned into, me and him Jimmy: you weren't meant to be involved Janis: you don't have to explain that Janis: I really weren't trying to take the piss, I don't reckon it's funny Janis: but none of my business either Jimmy: yeah but that's just it, I do 'cause it weren't a one off Janis: your dad's a cunt Janis: I know that much Jimmy: to me 'cause I Jimmy: just to me like that Janis: I'm glad it's not the kids Janis: really glad Janis: but you know I'm not gonna like Janis: tell Janis: not that I want that for you or anything Janis: but I'm not stupid, I know that wouldn't help fuck all Jimmy: I'd never let him Jimmy: not to them Janis: I know Janis: you look after them really well Jimmy: I couldn't do nowt when it was my mum but she started as much shit as him Jimmy: they were both just Janis: Not what they should be Janis: or where Janis: yeah Jimmy: it kept getting worse Janis: 'then your mum left? Jimmy: it couldn't go on like that Jimmy: something had to change Jimmy: it did Janis: but instead of fixing it's just Janis: a different kind of fucked Jimmy: 'course Janis: That's shit Janis: you deserve not fucked up, not saying I can give you that or anything useful but for the record Jimmy: life is Janis: yeah Janis: got no evidence to the contrary Jimmy: you know when you're a kid and you hid under the blankets, that's still me Jimmy: 😎 or 📷 instead Janis: at least you stay put Janis: braver than running Janis: my speciality then and now Jimmy: 1. where am I gonna go? Back to my mum or my ex ain't options Jimmy: 2. Cass and Bobby need me where they are Janis: 1. anywhere they ain't Janis: 2. that's the problem Jimmy: There's no bravery in nowt I do Jimmy: at least you're doing something Janis: I'd be doing something if I stayed gone Jimmy: Why haven't you? Janis: It's harder than you'd think Janis: There's some things you gotta do that I ain't ready to yet, I guess Janis: it's like killing yourself, yeah Janis: everyone reckons this shits the easy way out, but you blow your brains out or suck dick for a place to stay Janis: you know, just 'cos it's not brave don't mean it ain't hard to give into Jimmy: Yeah Janis: my sister did it Janis: properly Jimmy: she never came back? Janis: in the end Janis: at first she was the same though Janis: worse, she'd always be coming back just to see us and stuff, I don't do that, I just run out of places I can be too Jimmy: You can be with me Janis: You underestimate how little I can be with them Janis: thanks, still though Jimmy: You heard me Jimmy: You can stay Janis: you mean it, don't you Jimmy: I don't want you to leave Janis: I don't want you to either Janis: I don't mean here but Janis: me Jimmy: If I leave this town, I won't leave you Jimmy: he can only make me do the one Janis: Jimmy Janis: I'm glad I met you, even if it's because life is shit and Jimmy: I'm glad too, even if that's the only thing I've got to be glad for Jimmy: and it's closer to Easter Jimmy: and we ain't American Janis: alright shut up Janis: words are your thing, not mine Jimmy: they're a bit your thing Jimmy: I like talking to you Jimmy: and I work in retail so I don't like talking to anyone Janis: means a lot Janis: truly Jimmy: should do Jimmy: ask my ex, never communicate me Janis: that was the problem Janis: not the baby daddy drama Jimmy: she wouldn't have fucked him if I could string together a sentence, obvs Janis: he better be so daddy or what's she doing Janis: not that she asked me to judge her life and choices but here I am Jimmy: he's not Jimmy: but at least she never went for Ian Jimmy: as step mums go, not my top pick Janis: not as hot a concept as porn would have you believe, like Jimmy: he likes his missus a bit older, give him that Janis: got to have something going for him Janis: not enough but you know Jimmy: you'd fucking have to be legal drinking age for a date with him an' all Jimmy: imagine the #bants Jimmy: a few under the table snakebites ain't cutting through that Janis: 🤢 Janis: I refuse to think about a first date scenario altogether, nevermind an @iantaylor8 first date Jimmy: Fuck me, you've never done one Jimmy: right Jimmy: I'm taking you Jimmy: and we ain't leaving before every cliche is ✔ Janis: 😂 if only you'd known this when it was #sofakesoextra Jimmy: I know you better now Jimmy: you're gonna hate this, baby Janis: 🤤 Janis: that's what does it for me Jimmy: no 🤤 on the 1st date Janis: bit of 😋 then? Jimmy: we'll see Janis: playing it 😎 Janis: very apt Jimmy: can you do tomorrow? Janis: Why not Janis: if you're the perfect 😇 tonight Janis: free as a bird Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: Alright, I'll pick you up at 8 Janis: is that all the info I get? Jimmy: from my own door 'cause you're staying Janis: that makes me Jimmy: 😱😱😱 WHAT ARE YOU GONNA WEAR THOUGH Jimmy: I don't have a date outfit for you here Jimmy: oh no Janis: 🤞 Grace has gone 👻 'cos that was frightening Jimmy: where does your sister live? might need Grace's suitcase Janis: don't take the piss Jimmy: this is serious omg Janis: if you don't stop Jimmy: BABE Jimmy: how are you not freaking out? Jimmy: it's our 1st date Janis: I hate you Janis: #triggering me Jimmy: I'm soz Janis: felt that Janis: 🖕 Jimmy: baby, I'm so sorry Janis: well you should hide 'cos finally off that fucking bus Jimmy: You said I'm safe with you Jimmy: can't make me unsafe now Janis: let's see if I can stay mad at you, boy Jimmy: Challenge accepted, girl Janis: don't bring your new mate Jimmy: who? Janis: 👍 Jimmy: 😘 Janis: [comes at him] Jimmy: [outside or inside?] Janis: [a point lmao, let you decide where he is, she ain't gonna have much chill either way] Jimmy: [lets say he was waiting outside so he don't get sacked cos likewise] Janis: [let 'em have a moment] Jimmy: [a really extra moment cos emotions are running high] Janis: [truly, so much revealed] Jimmy: [it makes me die, what's it been days? weeks? boy ain't gonna have no secrets left] Janis: [when you just wanna talk] Jimmy: [she ain't the samaritans calm down please] Janis: [we know she wanna too it fine] Jimmy: [oooh can we say his shift is over so they can go shopping for date clothes and be cute nerds] Janis: [um yes] Jimmy: [yaaas just imagine she's expecting him to go back in and he does but to get his jacket like surprise] Janis: [so confusion but then #onboard for the #bants of it all] Jimmy: [not even telling her where they are going just like follow me lol don't get lost bab but then it's obvs] Janis: [when you get to just have fun for once, also changing room shenanigans are always the one] Janis: [and can actually get a 🔥 lewk] Jimmy: [literally if you don't get kicked out of at least one changing room for saucy behaviour and another shop for a playfight who are you tbh] Janis: [truly, remember you got a date with her 'rents tonight though, gotta try on some 'good boy' clothes (but ain't no one tryna make you buy them fr)] Jimmy: [just do it for the lols boy] Janis: [get on the bus to hell lads] Jimmy: [see how many old ladies you can offend] Janis: [heheheh gotta try and get it out of your system if you've gotta be good, obvs] Jimmy: [there's your excuse not that you need one] Janis: [truly, we all know you're doing the bare minimum later lol] Jimmy: [she should teach him more signing though cos cute] Janis: [a parent pleaser for sure, should also take a selfie with cali 'cos loling imagining it and then the relevant peeps, grace and mia tbh, can see] Jimmy: [omg yes mia would be fuming cos cali ain't here for her bye] Janis: [said as if she's graces' gf and they're being shady lmao] Jimmy: [thank god we didn't go that far] Janis: [no one needs that in their life] Jimmy: [especially Grace, I'm mean enough] Jimmy: [there should be a bus photoshoot cos he'd have his camera for homework and imagine how annoying] Janis: [big tut energy] Jimmy: [exactly then you can make out til they tut themselves to death] Janis: [soz you're bitter and can't remember being young and in love ladies] Jimmy: [one of them should say something judgey in irish cos always a thing that they think young peeps don't speak it] Janis: [when you usually pretend you can't speak it but you can and you say something sassy back] Jimmy: ? Janis: she's just asking for your number Janis: but I told her to back off soz Jimmy: 💔 Jimmy: but lipstick on dentures is my top turn on Jimmy: fuck's sake babe Janis: you can 🤞 she's on the bus back 'cos won't be joining you with that attitude Jimmy: [😏] Jimmy: if you loved me you'd accommodate my kinks Jimmy: and ask to borrow her 💄 Janis: [turns away from him dramatically, but does actually ask, let us assume the lady is a moody hoe and is like no bitch though] Jimmy: [gives her a look like well? even though he knows the answer] Janis: [shrugs] Janis: your girlfriends a real bitch Jimmy: I am seducing someone else right in front of her Jimmy: what kind of dickhead Janis: then she's no third if she's gonna get all jealous Janis: have to stick with Pete Janis: what a shame, bye Doris Jimmy: 💔👵🎻👋 Janis: if you loved me you'd text him Jimmy: [does] Jimmy: you've got an audition next week Jimmy: 👍 Janis: [just looking at him like bitch you better not lmao] Jimmy: [shows her the text loling cos obvs he has not it'd just be a work question or whatever] Janis: [shoves him but is too loling] Janis: he's the one auditioning tah Janis: don't put it like that though, don't sound very nice Jimmy: [when you're 😏 but inside you're 😒] Janis: [just laying your head on his shoulder 'cos truly the longest bus ride] Jimmy: [playing with her hair as per because can never stop yourself] Janis: soz Jimmy: why? Janis: making you do this Janis: defs an IOU Jimmy: [shrugs and snuggles her more] Janis: you'll get it when it's happening Janis: [shrugs back] Jimmy: gotta start my homework some time Janis: what you gotta do Jimmy: 📷 and 🎨 you Janis: your teacher is gonna be sick of my face Jimmy: needs to give us less bollocks prompts then Jimmy: you're what interests me Janis: 😏 Janis: [but really 😳] Jimmy: and what's more significant than an IRL Romeo and Juliet obvs Jimmy: she should give me more marks for the nod to english coursework Janis: sure she will Jimmy: [another shrug but wrapping his arms around her then] Janis: ['you're good' in his ear from the snug] Jimmy: [when you're too white to 😳 and it not be obvs so you have to kiss her for distraction like close your eyes rn thanks] Janis: [not gonna say no, avert your gaze bus grandmas] Jimmy: [also stop the ILY curse for a bit so] Janis: [least they'll only take up one seat now instead of two 'cos defs getting on his lap, welcome everyone lol] Jimmy: [imagine taking that seat though oh hey] Janis: [just like 'scuse me thirdwheeling these teens] Jimmy: [it's a bad idea on many levels not least how turned on they are gonna be by the time they get to cali's but that's why I won't stop them lol] Janis: [have fun dealing with that or not] Jimmy: [mhmm] Janis: ['maybe we just stay on the bus'] Jimmy: [we all know whatever he wants to say it's just gonna be a shameless sound like always] Janis: [😏 'not a no' and kissing him harder like she cares about being quiet sure] Jimmy: [being extra as if to say do you want me to say no I don't think so] Janis: [just smiling into that kiss] Jimmy: [pausing to breathe and 😍 at her casually] Janis: [covering his eyes with her hands like don't look at me like that] Jimmy: [just loling] Janis: [pouting and hiding on his chest] Jimmy: [pouty lip kiss thing strikes again] Janis: stop being cute Jimmy: ['you' saying it out loud for the eye contact] Janis: [makes a noise 'cos don't know what else to do #overwhelmed] Jimmy: [kissing her neck but really soft cos lovebites aren't 😇] Janis: ['you're really gonna-'] Jimmy: ['what?' in her ear when he's kissed his way there] Janis: [shakes her head like nope, can't talk now bye] Jimmy: [doing whatever he can to make her say something/make a sound obvs keep looking away bus peeps] Janis: [saying 'shit!' just a bit too loud for these nosy ladies] Jimmy: they're gonna smack you with a shopping bag Janis: and when I get arrested for granny bashing, it'll be entirely your fault Jimmy: 😇 me Janis: no Janis: definitely not Janis: I think you just broke like, 4 seperate laws Jimmy: only 4? 💔 Jimmy: how many more stops is it? Janis: not a challenge, babe Janis: [looking out the window like ?! then 😒] Jimmy: could be if you come here Janis: ['we've already missed our stop so' collecting all their shit like] Jimmy: ['we had better just stay on here then' but helping] Janis: [just bitching like why didn't the driver say, I get off at the same stop everyday etc etc] Jimmy: [probably keep your mouth shut boy especially about how she wanted him to mind his business when she was on her way to you] Janis: [getting off this bus in a disgrace/huff] Jimmy: [🚬 guys you won't have chance when you get there] Janis: [try not to die in all the ways] Jimmy: [I'm loling cos he's carrying a plant] Janis: [lmao oh the effort to get left alone so you can get into more trouble again god bless] Jimmy: [just doing smoke rings like pay attention to me] Janis: [such a grumpy face] Jimmy: [putting the plant down so he can pick her up for a sec like don't be sad] Janis: ['I don't even wanna go and now we're gonna be late'] Jimmy: ['fashionably though' because remember all those lewks they tried on good times] Janis: [🙄 'you're not helpful' and picking up the plant like let's ride] Jimmy: [pouty face but on you go] Janis: [just smoke 'til you calm down a bit, babe, showing she is by slowing her pace so she's not running off] Jimmy: [nobody wants to do this its fine, bet Cali aren't buzzing at the prospect rn either] Janis: [probably not if they think he's some crackhead who tells her to steal cars lmao rude leave ur judgment at the door] Jimmy: [exactly] Janis: 💕 Janis: soz Jimmy: [holds his hand out like hold it please] Janis: [does] Jimmy: [swings it as they are walking] Janis: [😏 but more 😍 than smug 'always in babysitter mode, you' and nudges him gently] Jimmy: ['keep that between us, tah' cos he's not tryna babysit Gus or Diego lol or any of the cats] Janis: [mimes 🤐 'none of us are little enough, you're safe'] Jimmy: [shrugs cos Cass isn't either but hey ho] Janis: ['more feral than the cats, like, you'd miss yours so fast'] Jimmy: ['might do the dog' hilarious Jimothy we all know you don't hate Twix] Janis: [shakes head 'you play so hard to get'] Jimmy: [gives her a LOOK 'but I don't have to, since we're already late' pulls her into him using their linked hands, don't squash the plant boy] Janis: [a LOOK right back but close up 'cos now you are 'not meant to be being cool, remember'] Jimmy: [just staring at her really saucily like well then you'll have to do it for me] Janis: [looking at his lips like #distracted 'can't kick the habit, like'] Jimmy: [#same on both counts 'me either' just leaning in so much without actually kissing her] Janis: [making a noise of frustration like come on 'we could always be more fashionable'] Jimmy: [looking her up and down 'you couldn't be more... and back up to her face 'you're so...'] Janis: [taking his hands and putting 'em where he was looking] Jimmy: [finally kissing her so intensely because you're the most alone you've been all day] Janis: [make the most of how middle of nowhere it is for once] Jimmy: [a mood and a moment] Janis: [breaking off sporadically to tell him how hot he is, how much you want him etc etc, everything but ILY] Jimmy: [we all know we aren't getting actual words out of him rn except her name sometimes so pop off sis] Janis: [oh you two] Jimmy: [what a day and you're not even there yet] Janis: [lmao, thank god you're just going over for dinner, not like out out 'cos you're getting later by the minute here] Jimmy: [not to mention what you're gonna end up looking like after this] Janis: [her hair always be looking wild 'cos of you boy, such a giveaway] Jimmy: [that scalding tea there boo] Janis: [how to stop you, always fun lololololololol] Jimmy: [lets be nice and not haha just be late af] Janis: [you saucy onion] Jimmy: [it's been a minute since the changing rooms and yolo] Janis: [only 15 once henny] Jimmy: [only felt like this once too so they deserve it] Janis: [the lurve is so real truly she does not know what to do] Jimmy: [god bless] Janis: [how did we do the ily last time] Jimmy: [basically she got drunk and said it cos it was when he challenged her to outdrink him but he didn't say it back then cos couldn't and she was like don't forget I said it though but then he said it as they were falling asleep that night] Janis: [we've done so much] Jimmy: [hence we did to decide if we're keeping any of it cos rn none of that's happened] Jimmy: [*need] Janis: [it's all still here at least we can mix and match whatever we wanna baby] Jimmy: [yep] Janis: [for now, finish ya business and get gone] Jimmy: [honestly hurry up] Janis: [that's not what she said] Jimmy: [oh boo you funny fish] Janis: [hheeheheh but get ready for the awks lads] Jimmy: [oh lord he doesn't know what he's getting into here] Janis: [when you hate your parents, being so fake nice tonight henny] Jimmy: [cali will be shook] Janis: 👍 Jimmy: you alright? Janis: take the compliment Janis: doing well Jimmy: 🥇 us Janis: just like old times Janis: all this acting Jimmy: just like old times Jimmy: you talking bollocks Janis: charming Janis: its called conversation Janis: my wit is sparkling Jimmy: is it? Janis: you x2 ing that or gonna specify Jimmy: you heard Jimmy: and that weren't an answer Janis: yes to both, obviously Janis: why are you being rude Janis: just 'cos you can't to them? Jimmy: I'm not Janis: doubting my wit is rude Janis: tah Jimmy: show me it then Janis: Jimothy! Janis: shocked AND appalled Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: that's not the one, babe Jimmy: Jamie got closer Janis: Don't remind me Janis: miss him Jimmy: 💔 Jimmy: ouch Jimmy: after everything I did for you out there in the middle of nowt Janis: really Janis: you're gonna remind me of that right now Jimmy: you should miss me Janis: I can't miss you more than I already do Jimmy: challenge accepted, Juliet Janis: [looking at him over the table like what you gon' do] Janis: ? Jimmy: [eye contact ftw] Jimmy: 😇 me Jimmy: [but under the table he's being a 😈] Janis: I hate you so much Janis: [when you're suddenly so focused on your meal like nothing to see here] Jimmy: how much? Janis: [shifts down in her seat/closer to what he's doing like 'that much'] Jimmy: [goes harder because of course] Janis: You're so Jimmy: go on Jimmy: I'm what? Janis: you're really really Jimmy: [stops like tell me] Janis: [imagine the grumpy face, cali like ?] Janis: hey Jimmy: ? Janis: now I really don't like you Jimmy: [just eating like 😏] Janis: [footsie like pay attention to me] Jimmy: [a look because he can't resist and we know it] Janis: [going from 😒 to 😏] Jimmy: [when Cali are talking to you and you have to pretend you're listening, thank god for all that practice he's had at customer service Janis: [lmao that fake smile taking you so far rn] Jimmy: [also v proud of him for eating whatever the food is because lbr its not gonna be what he's used to] Janis: [right, she would've told caleb not to do anything weird af but still] Jimmy: [and he hasn't thrown anything at her which is his fave thing to do] Janis: [imagine] Janis: so Janis: what's your verdict Jimmy: needs 🍅 sauce, obvs Janis: 😂 Janis: meant my parents, but if you hate 'em, start there Janis: he'll 😢 Jimmy: they're alright Janis: 🤔 Jimmy: I dunno Jimmy: weird but I'm used to you, like Jimmy: weirdest girl about Janis: piss off Janis: nothing like either of 'em Jimmy: never said you were Janis: better not Jimmy: come on Jimmy: that northern, not that thick Janis: didn't say you were Janis: you just like being mean to me Jimmy: don't sound like me, that Janis: must be thinking of Jamie then Janis: which one are you again? Jimmy: I were gonna say we can still be mates then 💔 Jimmy: there's my answer Janis: ah Janis: my good pal Jim Janis: I remember Jimmy: 👍 Janis: [squeezing his hand] Jimmy: [draws a heart on her with his fingertip because he always used to do that and I've not] Janis: [when that makes you 😳 more than anything else] Jimmy: [writes 'you' in it cos close to ily as we can get rn] Janis: [when you have to excuse yourself for a hot sec] Jimmy: [when you're like oh shit shouldn't have done that cos you think you scared her away] Janis: won't leave you with them too long Janis: brb actually Jimmy: 👌 Janis: 💔 it'd be too 😈 and obvious for you to come find me rn Jimmy: I could fake choking to 💀💀💀 Jimmy: or 🤢🤢🤢 Janis: you're so committed to your role Janis: it's impressive Janis: but I want more time than that'd give us so Janis: [coming back don't be gone forever] Jimmy: [just staring at her shamelessly soz the in-laws] Janis: [sitting next to him instead of opposite 'cos an abudance of chairs to choose from deal lads] Jimmy: [kiss her cheek cos that's 😇] Janis: [is 😊 but whispers 'I miss you' whilst she's there] Jimmy: [tucking a strand of hair behind her ear like just being helpful and 😇 don't mind me] Janis: [so 😍 hurry this meal along tah bring out the dessert lol] Jimmy: [oh and does the thing where you pull the chair in to get her close to the table but also pulling her chair closer to his at the same time] Janis: [issa must, as close to sitting on him without actually] Jimmy: [and just like I'll casually leave my hand on your leg what a coincidence] Janis: [makes a 😋 noise like she's really enjoying this dessert but we all know] Jimmy: [is clock watching hardcore like when can we leave lol] Janis: [least you can just do the bare minimum here, hang in there kids] Jimmy: I miss you too Janis: you can show me Janis: when I'm showing you how grateful I am Jimmy: [just biting your lip like this is fine yep] Janis: [😏 then signing something at Diego who is presumably there chilling] Jimmy: ? Janis: [cue cali asking him about his art homework 'cos she was asking if they can use the space/his lights and shit] Janis: escape plan activated Jimmy: now I really like you Janis: show me that too Janis: not just a 🥇 muse tah Jimmy: or a 🥇 face Jimmy: 🧠🏆 you Janis: careful Janis: my head might not fit through the door Jimmy: I'll carry you through 👰 style Jimmy: about to ask if I can 💍 you obvs Janis: you don't reckon that's 😈 nah Janis: not the 40s up in here Jimmy: what can be more 😇 than the sanctity of them vows before god 🙏💕 Jimmy: when in 🍀 do as the paddys do Janis: you're really turning me off here Janis: 😏 Janis: god can watch but he don't need to get involved Jimmy: [does something to turn her on like am I though] Jimmy: found our 3rd then 🙌🎊 Janis: he was in our 💕 all along Janis: and please tell them we need to go now Jimmy: [does like oh we have to get started because we can't miss our bus home/get back too late etc] Janis: [does the thing where you make glasses with your fingers to 🤓 at him as they're walk/running out] Jimmy: [nudges her like oi] Janis: [kisses him so hard when they're barely out of sight like wait] Jimmy: [doing that walking but still kissing thing but kissing so hard that they just knock into a wall/door casually so obvs just gonna push her up against it and kiss for a bit] Janis: [lmao Pablo needs to walk past bye] Jimmy: [10000% yes] Jimmy: [wasn't even there for dinner but appears right then haha] Janis: [this fam comes and goes as they please no consideration lol] Jimmy: [true facts poor Caleb food is his love language Pablo how dare you] Janis: [also you're his chef child, probs out spending all your money doing who knows what] Jimmy: [those debts don't just appear overnight so yeah] Janis: [fun and games honey] Jimmy: [this fam 💔 me] Janis: [honestly, like way to prove everyone right guys] Jimmy: [fuming about it as if we didn't do this lol] Janis: [at least you two are enjoying yourself rn] Jimmy: [speaking of is there anything else we wanna do here?] Janis: [we probably know the vibe, see if we can find HW pics]

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dontreadthistrashgarbage · 5 years

Text

Pt. 6

Guerin got a call at her desk halfway through a project she was working on for HEET. Groaning at the interruption since she knew it would take a while to get her focus back, she took a moment to exhale before answering. "This is Go Guerin."

"Guerin it's Han Jisoo. I need you to come to my office right now."

"Yes, I'm on my way." She said cheerfully before hanging up. Leaving her hand on the phone she stared at it for a moment. "I'm getting fired." She said outloud. Her entire life any time a higher up had asked to see her in their office she immediately assumed the worst. Her stomach churned as she tried to calm herself down, then she stood up, stuck her cell phone in her pocket and left to see the CEO of her company.

She knocked gently on the door and peered in to see Jisoo, who looked up and gestured her in. The room also had a PR manager, the company lawyer and HR. [Yeah this is either about the case or I'm being fired.] She stepped inside and bowed, greeting everyone politely.

"You're not being fired." Jisoo, the CEO quipped.

"Oh thank god." Guerin exhaled, her hand going to her heart as tension left her body.

"I've known you for a long time Guerin. Things have been rough lately and we're working on it. You're an excellent worker and overall an asset to our company, and you're a very good friend." Jisoo said, smiling, though Guerin caught the strain on her face and the serious expression everyone else wore.

"Thank you, I love my job and I want to do well at it. I like this company and how it is run." Guerin bowed with gratitude before sitting down as Jisoo gestured. She looked curiously around.

"All that being said, just like we were worried about you've been targeted again by rumors." Jisoo frowned. Guerin's heart sank, she had just started getting back to her normal mood. What happened now?

The PR manager, Jaemyun showed a printed out article from dispatch, "This was published online about fifteen minutes ago." She informed Guerin, who leaned forward curiously. Her mouth dropped open as she read the headline and stayed open the rest of the article.

"WOW OF A.C.E CAUGHT ON A DATE WITH CONTROVERSIAL FOREIGNER MANAGER OF HEET"

The article was punctuated by a picture of Seyoon and Guerin sitting in the cab, smiling, and another of Guerin getting out and leaning over to say goodbye.

"As you are aware, if you are dating a celebrity we need to know so we can react appropriately." Mina, the lawyer, spoke up.

"Yes of course I know! Which is why you haven't heard anything. We're not dating! We're friends! A bunch of us went out for karaoke and drinks last night and Seyoon rode with me to make sure I got home safely after drinking." She felt embarrassed admitting she had gotten drunk the night before in a professional setting, but she knew in this instance complete honesty was important.

"I figured it was something like that." Jisoo sighed and rubbed her temples. "We've contacted Beat Interactive. They're on their way with Seyoon now so we can talk about how to best handle this. Let's relocate to the conference room."

Guerin's phone was vibrating like crazy while she waited with everyone for Seyoon and his company to come. Charlie and HEET had gotten wind of the scandal as well as some other acquaintances. She only responded to The first two with assurances that she was okay and everything was getting straightened out now before putting her phone on silent and putting it back into her pocket.

It didn't take long for Seyoon, Minseok, Beat Interactives own legal and PR team as well as the CEO Kim Hyeim herself to come in. Everyone stood and bowed, greeting each other appropriately before settling in to discussions.

"Go Guerin has already informed us that they were not on a date." Jaemyun started.

"Kim Seyoon confirmed that, he said they met with a group and he made sure she got home safe as a friend." Started the other PR manager.

Seyoon tilted his head slightly and raised his hand, "Excuse me, but that's not exactly what I said."

For a moment everyone looked at him before Hyeim finally spoke up, "Is there something you want to clarify further?"

"Ah... yes. I said we did meet with a group of friends and it wasn't a date, and that I did excort her home. But it wasn't as a friend." He seemed to have finished talking despite everyone staring at him in need of more information. A few people glanced at Guerin but she was just as lost and put her hands up defensively, unable to withhold an awkward laugh.

"Kim Seyoon, please excuse us but could you explain what you mean by that." Jisoo requested in a polite but stressed voice.

"I like Guerin." He said simply, looking at Jisoo, before his eyes went to Guerin who stared back at him in shock, hands over her mouth, "I've been meeting her as a friend but also with the intention of developing a relationship eventually."

Guerin let out another awkward laugh through her fingers, eyes wide as she ran her hands through her hair in shock before stopping at her neck. Blinking rapidly she tried to center her thoughts.

"I'm guessing this is news to you." Mina stated with a sigh.

"Yea- yes. This is not what I expected." Guerin corrected her formality, sitting up and trying to look professional again.

"I'm sorry, I didn't want it to come out this way." Seyoon said, still watching Guerin's reaction with his unreadable expression. He finally broke his stare and glanced around making it clear the apology was also intended for the rest of the people in the meeting.

"That complicates things." Jisoo frowned and looked at Hyeim, "What is your company policy on dating?" Everyone got filled in on the rules, Seyoon looking back to Guerin who was now chewing her lip thoughtfully. He smiled at her again and she couldn't help sending a smaller smile back to him.

"Go Guerin." Jaemyun brought her back to reality, "If you two are dating we'll need to-" she stopped talking to see Seyoon had raised his hand to politely interrupt again.

"I'm sorry, but we aren't dating. Guerin has only just heard of my intentions and she has not responded." Seyoon smiled as though unaware of the tension. Hyeim put her face in her hands and Jisoo coughed as they both tried to hide what might have been a chuckle.

"I see." Jaemyun nodded slowly, "Go Guerin, are you planning on responding to Kim Seyoon soon or should we write a statement without one?"

"I'm- I'm so sorry." Guerin looked around at everyone, "I've just been taken by surprise. I don't know what to say. And the talk I need to have is... a private one with Kim Seyoon." She finished the sentence hyper aware of how inappropriate it sounded, but relied on the others to understand.

"Why don't we get started on the first part while you two talk? There's some other details we need to address as well regarding Guerin's current legal issues." The Beat Interactive lawyer said. Guerin started as though he had slapped her in the face. Of course that would be a problem now, the case hadn't been resolved so her reputation was controversial and could affect all of A.C.E. Recovering she stood and bowed, then followed Seyoon out.

He turned to her just outside the door but she moved past him, grabbing his sleeve and leading him to a smaller unoccupied meeting room. Closing the door she let out an exhale and leaned against it, eyes shut for a moment as she recuperated. Blinking her eyes open she met Seyoon's gaze and couldn't help but laugh, shoving him slightly.

"What the hell Seyoon?!"

"I was gonna talk to you tonight but, it seemed like a bad idea to hide that." He shrugged.

"I mean yeah, can you imagine if they said we were just friends for that to change in what a week? A month? That would have sucked." Guerin agreed.

"So, if it would have changed," he took a step toward her, taking her words literally, "Does that mean they have?"

"I- I mean." She stammered then put her hand on his chest to stop his approach. "You're distracting me!" Guerin complained. His smile grew, narrowing his eyes mischeviously.

"So you find me distracting?" He wiggled his eyebrows and bit his lip bit didnt advance any closer.

"Yeah of course!" She couldn't hide it, "You're too damn sweet and cute and weird and handsome. You're fun and you keep me on my toes but you also are so genuinely supportive and kind, aaaaaaahhh." She groaned covering her face with her hands again. He reached for her wrists and took her hands in his, holding them both between them. She sighed hopelessly at him.

"You said you acted without thinking last night. I thought you meant that it was a mistake."

"Ah... I meant that I wasn't thinking because I just wanted to be in contact with you." He swung her hands in his lightly as though showing her what he meant, "But I didnt want to say it over text."

"I was actually disappointed." She admitted with a laugh.

"Does that mean you like me too?" He wiggled his shoulders at her and made her chuckle. Guerin peered into his eyes pensively, her heart beating rapidly.

"... yeah. I do. Of course I do."

He pulled her toward him, wrapping her arms around himself before hugging her tightly back. She stepped into it willingly, as she rested her chin on his shoulder and his body against hers, in her arms, it felt surreal. She had idly wondered what embracing him would feel like and now it was happening. But reality brought her back to her senses. Remembering the biggest obstacle, she reluctantly pulled away from him. He was still grinning but it faded slightly at her expression of regret.

"Seyoonie, even if I like you I don't know that we should date..." she started.

He tilted his head inquiringly, waiting for her to continue, "Your lawyer mentioned my case... I have a really bad reputation right now. It's already risky enough when an idol dates but... someone like me? A foreigner with rumors of attacking a fan? How would that affect A.C.E? Your whole career?" She trailed off again, not knowing what to say next.

Seyoon looked pensive and nodded slowly before speaking, "I love being a singer. It's my dream and I don't want to lose that."

"I know, and no one is worth giving that up for!" She agreed quickly.

"We know you're innocent. That's going to be revealed soon." He nodded along with his own reasoning, "And I'm going to get married someday. So I might as well begin with someone I like."

Guerin laughed loudly at his self satisfied expression with his simple logic, "You're too cute, it's killing me."

"Noonaaaa don't die yet." He poked his own cheek as he pouted, "We haven't even kissed yet."

"You little." She failed to look stern and tapped his lips lightly with her hand. He responded by wiggling closer to her. Getting swept up she chose to meet his challenge, moving forward she pecked him suddenly on the lips, then ducked away.

"Hey, wait I wasnt ready!" He called out surprised and reached out to grab her. She spun his arm and turned him so she was facing him and he was up against the wall as she smirked at him in his surprise before he licked his lips and gave a naughty smile.

"Okay, so get ready again." She moved her hands to his torso and leaned in again, eyes fluttering closed. He leaned in the rest of the way to kiss her lingering for a few seconds before they both begrudgingly separated.

"So... we should find out what our bosses have to say. About us..." she felt disheveled suddenly, straightening her clothes and running her hands through her hair. He watched her with a smile before taking her hand again.

"First, you have to tell me." He said.

"Tell you what?" She asked.

"You have to tell me you like me."

"I already did! And then I showed you." She winked then laughed in embarrassment.

"No, you only agreed with me." He glanced up, "and then you showed me." He nodded and looked back at her, "But I want to hear the words."

"Youuuu..." she trailed off, her heart unable to handle this giant baby.

"Noona. Go Guerin! I like you. Do you like me?" He said earnestly.

"Hmmmm..." she teased him, but couldnt Deny him for long, "Seyoonie. I like you." She stated.

"Perfect, now theres no question." He beamed, "you should give me a piggyback ride back to the conference room."

"Absolutely not. Any other time I'm game but we have enough trouble right now." She laughed at his feigned disappointment and snuck him a kiss on the cheek, "have that to keep you happy until after work today." She left for the door and he trotted along after her once he recovered.

The rest of the meeting was a lot of talking, phone calls, more talking, a lot of stress all punctuated by Guerin and Seyoon sneaking glances at each other and trying to not look too pleased due to the stress levels of everyone else involved. Ultimately it was decided that Beat Interactive would announce that while the two were not dating at the time the photos had been taken, they had begun dating recently and hadn't had a chance to confirm before the article was released. In the meantime, PWER, the company Guerin worked for, had gotten clearance from the police department for some details of the case while the police department worked on their own statement since the investigation had been concluded. No one was convinced that it was an ideal scenario but they hoped with everything coming together it could minimize this particular PR nightmare.

"I never should have let you meet them." Minseok complained to Guerin as they trailed out.

"I didn't start this!" Guerin responded defensively, "Besides its not my fault I'm irresistible."

Minseok groaned as Seyoon smiled and held Guerins sleeve for a moment. She glanced at him and slowed a step as he pulled gently backwards.

"Can we still meet after my practice tonight?" He asked quietly so others around wouldn't hear.

"I don't see why not, I was planning to anyway." Guerin said.

He looked around to see if the hallway was clear before sneaking a kiss to her cheek, then speeding past her to catch up with Minseok, his dangerous smile back in place.

"Guerin?" Jisoo looked back suddenly from ahead of everyone, "Will you meet me in my office after I see our guests out?" She asked.

Guerin nodded and when it was appropriate ducked away to Jisoo's office, certain she was getting fired as per her usual anxieties, but also logically knew it wouldnt be likely at this point.

While waiting for Jisoo she pulled out her phone to catch up on her blown up messages.

Han Jisoo returned before Guerin could text HEET through Woojin's phone. The two went into the CEO's office and as soon as the door closed, Jisoo spun on her friend and began smacking her in the arm repeatedly.

"Hey, you're my boss now you're not allowed to do that!" Guerin said in English, laughing and cringing away but otherwise letting it happen.

"You are such a problem sometimes aaah!" Jisoo responded with a final smack, also in english. "And this is how I'm supposed to find out one of my best friends is dating?? And an idol no less!"

"To be fair, I also just found out the same way which is, arguably, worse." Guerin rubbed her eyebrow subconsciously. "None of this even feels real."

"Well it is and now it's my mess to help clean up." Jisoo crossed her arms. Guerin looked at the ground guiltily causing Jisoo to sigh, uncross her arms and hug her friend, "I know it's not your fault. It's just an unfortunate pain in the ass."

"Guerin laughed and hugged Jisoo back, picking her up for a moment, "It's so cute when you swear in English!"

"Hey. Boss. Remember?" Jisoo protested disingenuously.

"It's payback for hitting me."

Jisoo tsked and changed the subject, "Mina is going to come here to talk you through how we're handling the court case since you'll need to testify. But first I wanted to make sure you're okay."

"I honestly havent processed most of today yet so I'm not sure. I was starting to be okay again and I think right now I'm okay too?" Jisoo nodded, knowing her friend had more to add and waited, "I was also wondering... how does this affect me working with HEET again...?"

Jisoo looked serious, "As of right now you not being manager is only temporary. We do need to see how things shake out but nothing has changed. Hopefully with the resolution of this case things will work out."

Guerin nodded in understanding. Jisoo had been friends with Guerin before she had even moved to South Korea as they had met in the states where Jisoo attended school and done internships at record companies around the world to broaden her knowledge of the industry. It helped her family was very well off and able to help her start her own company once she had returned. At that time Guerin was nearing the end of teaching English when Jisoo offered her a job. Guerin would forever be grateful for her friend and knew she had her best interests at heart.

"Jisoo, thanks for sticking with me. I'll fo my best." She said in Korean, it just seemed more genuine.

Jisoo was spared a heart warming response as Mina arrived.

The men of A.C.E were called into a meeting once Hyeim and Seyoon returned from their meeting with PWER. The four other members had an inkling of what it would be about given they too had seen the Dispatch article. Jun had texted Charlie who hadn't had much more information than he did at the time. Once everyone was seated, papers with the statement were passed out but Kim Hyeim talked before they could read it.

"On those papers your holding we have written a statement concerning Kim Seyoon and Go Guerin dating. We've agreed to let PWER and the police handle the statements regarding Go Guerin's legal case. Hopefully with her proven innocence and releasing of actual footage of what happened we won't get much extra blowback to an already risky announcement. Also you should know that as of this afternoon Go Guerin and Kim Seyoon have expressed an interest in dating and going forward they would like to be up front and honest about it."

The expressions on everyone's face changed wildly as she spoke, except for Seyoon who maintained his normal unreadable face, watching her despite the others looking around at each other.

"Wait." Chan started, "So it's TRUE?"

"It wasn't last night but apparently it is now." Kim Hyeim said with a crooked smile.

"Since when did you-?" Jun sputtered and stopped, "So...." the king of reactions lived up to his name as every thought raced through his brain.

"Good for you Wow!" Byeongkwan fist bumped his hyung.

"It's not how I expected you to go for it but it works." Donghun said, patting his friend on the shoulder.

"I didn't even know you felt that way about her?" Chan added, still shocked but smiling along, "Wait, what does that mean for-" he started and the boys swung their gaze to Jun.

Hyeim watched this curiously, "Park Junhee is there something wrong?"

"I wanted to tell you today but..." he trailed off for a moment, "Ah... I also confessed to a woman last night and she might be my girlfriend soon."

Kim Hyeim was frozen, then rested her face in her hands for a moment before looking up to Minseok who appeared just as shocked as she was, "Maybe we should rescind the idea that they can date." She said dryly.

"I'm so sorry I didn't know this was happening. I thought they were friends I didn't think they were their type!" Minseok said in a rush.

"What does that mean?" Jun asked with a hint of aggression as he and Seyoon snapped their faces toward their manager.

"I just meant they're foreigners and I just, i thought you each had a different type and with them being older and Guerin is a lot... they're really good people I'm sorry I'm just shocked." Minseok tried to explain.

Hyeim interrupted, sensing an argument and not wanting to deal with that on top of everything else. "Minseok will chat with me later." She shot him a look, also displeased with his judgment toward women and he bowed his head at the visual scolding, "What we need to figure out now is how we're going to handle the second announcement. I'll get someone from PR to meet with me, Park Junhee and his girlfriend. Until then we'll go through with what we planned for Kim Seyoon since with that article we do not have the luxury of time to discuss things."

She looked at all the boys, "I expect this to have an impact on the fanbase. We've just wrapped up promoting but maybe we can work on a special project for Choice to communicate with them. Think it over and let's start something soon."

The meeting was dismissed and Minseok hung back to talk to Hyeim as the boys meandered back to their practice room.

Guerin waited outside the door to the dance room as HEET wrapped up their practice inside. When their dance instructor left Guerin put a finger to her lips and winked so as not to give away the surprise. She was holding bags of fried chicken and iced coffee for the boys. The dance instructor smiled back and moved on without a word. Peaking around the corner she snuck in while the boys were straightening up or sitting on the ground catching their breath.

"Special delivery!" Guerin announced loudly, holding up the bags of goods. Byoungjin, Minhwan and Seungbin all startled at her sudden appearance, but once all five saw her they hopped up and ran over. Gabriel relieved her of her bags with Minhwan as Seungbin hugged her, Byoungjin held back with Tobio for his turn. Once they had all gotten their hugs in (Guerin had to guilt trip Gabriel and interrupt him setting up for the meal) they settled down to eat with Woojin.

"Woojin told me when your lesson ended and I asked him to let me bring you all food." Guerin explained, handing Seungbin and Gabriel next to her some extra chicken, "Are you boys being nice to him?" They all nodded through bulging cheeks.

"They've been working very hard." Woojin added with a small smile. He seemed the quiet accommodating type so Guerin was happy to hear the boys had seemed to accept him.

"I'm glad." She beamed at HEET as they dug in. "I don't know if you guys have heard anything but I wanted to stop by because I have some news."

"Are you gonna be our manager again!?" Gabriel called out through a full mouth.

"No, dummy. It's probably about the dispatch article." Tobio retorted and he shoved Gabriel away as he leaned into his Japanese teammate smacking his mouth annoyingly loud.

"Tobio is right. It's about the article." Guerin interrupted their bickering.

"Were you really on a date with Wow-hyung?" Minhwan asked, stunned.

"Well, no. We all met as a group of friends and he was making sure I got home safe." Despite telling the truth Guerin felt guilty so she moved on quickly, "But this afternoon after the article came out... while we were discussing how to address it... Seyoonie did confess."

The boys erupted, even shy Woojin reacted with surprise while Seungbin had leapt up, "I KNEW IT! NOONA I KNEW IT WHEN I SAW YOU AFTER THE ZOO!"

Gabriel was downright crowing in excitement as Byoungjin sat in shocked silence and Minhwan clapped excitedly. Only Tobio kept his head enough to ask "But what did you say?"

The boys all quieted again at his question. Guerin felt her face get warm as she responded, "Well he's my boyfriend now." The boys all erupted again, alternating between shocked and happy. Guerin waited for them to calm down before speaking again.

"I double checked with Han Jisoo and she said it so far hasn't meant I can't come back as your manager. But we still need to wait to clear the court case and we will need to see how the public reacts to the statement that we are now in a relationship."

Minhwan frowned, "So if a bunch of people decide to hate you, you won't be our manager?"

Guerin paused, "If it means you aren't safe. And we don't want to hurt your image." The boys looked crushed, "Your debut was strong, and you've all trained so long and so hard for this. I won't let something like my personal life ruin your futures." She added firmly.

"Noona..." Seungbin snuggled up to her and she put her arm around him, "They can't hate you right?"

Guerin wanted to comfort them, looking at all five faces of HEET- even empathetic Woojin seemed sad - but she wouldn't mislead them, "It's unlikely it'll come to that. We'll just wait and see and keep working hard okay? All of us."

Gabriel sulked, "Seungbin-ah was right. Seyoon-hyung was going to steal you from us."

"I understand that's how it looks, but I promise that wasn't the intention. Please don't hold it against him." She squeezed Seungbin and looked at all of them, "I love you all dearly and even if I'm not your manager I'm still working for PWER and we can see each other often like we have been. But my goal is to come back as your manager okay? I haven't forgotten you." The boys nodded quietly.

"Come on, let's finish eating." She encouraged them, changing the subject, "You also need to show me your new dance so far, I heard it's very challenging!"

Before long the seven of them had settled back into cheerful chatter about what HEET was working on next.

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