#dont worry hes always rude to me too its how we communicate

[faunandfloraas]

Okay what is with dudes who have nice curly hair not embracing it </3

[notsodailycake]

Ah, Luis. People either call him a simp, or they like him. I personally have come to the conclusion that if he wasn’t in love with Vanessa, he would’ve saved everyone a LOT of…problems.

I do want to know why Luis was moved, though. Maybe the writers thought he would be too close too Vanessa. (“Apparently, the IT department has put together a pretty lengthy report chronicling non-job-related communications that have been coming to your computer.”)

Honestly yeah probably. But looking back, it was a bit of love at first sight for him, which can happen. Happened to me- tho it was one sided

And looking deeper, he mentioned how before at his younger years, he didn't have any experience like dating or hanging out since he was always so focused on work and just...didn't know how to socialise really. So I'd assume he's something like me i guess

Or as far i can relate, i can't seem to find myself loving someone, i did a few times but well, never worked out. Idk i guess i can kinda relate to him not sure. When you start to love someone but you never had experience with it before. You cant help but act a bit weirdly 😅

And it seems like he truly didn't know how to handle those emotions, but that didn't change his care for her.

But yeah, he is a simp, but i dont see why ppl make him out to be bad, i mean yeah he was a bit weird, but that's what you usually do when in love. You see things through a rose tinted glass, it doesn't even have to be romantic....trust me i would know

For me personally, i feel like them making him have a crush was a way to make so Vanessa would be able to get away with what she did even if where she worked at would be vigilant bout it, plus it was a creative way to show what she was doing and what was happening without outright telling you like fnaf usually is with lore. But that doesn't mean it was unnatural either, he liked her bright personality, how she looked and everything as he says in the emails, that was what attracted him to her, and its not a bad thing, bc that does happen, ppl do fall in love with others that way, usually just a crush, but it happens. Personality and looks is what attracts others to you, or have you attracted to that person

And that was also a great start to introducing her, have someone who wants to be close to her so to point out indirectly to the fans how she started to change and how she was affected. As then luis starts to point out how slowly she changed

It's implied they talked alot before, and were close colleagues at work so it wasn't out of nowhere or superficial imo.

And like many say he's a creepy hell even a incel. But i dont see it that way? They seem to skim some parts of the whole thing. He genuinely seemed to care for her, even when she never accepted his request to go out for coffee, he was never rude or mean about that. And he was really worried about her, how she suddenly started to change, how her brightmess left her and she started to do questionable things, and not just in a "she's my crush ofc i will care" sure it started like that, but he slowly started to sink in worry about how much she was changing, and not in a good way

I mean yeah, i can agree the fake boyfriend thing seemed weird, but we don't know how close they are by now. I'd honestly say he was probably close enough to see through her lies

This kinda turned into a long rant sorry 😅

[phoneybeatlemania-bit-the-dust]

I’d disagree with the anon that Paul was “incapable” of love, but I do agree he was very distanced, and pretty cruel (to women) when he was younger. (It was unfortunate they bought into the love at first sight myth, but he was also a charmer, and dropped affection and got colder after fucking them.)

But I just can’t see romantic interest on Paul’s end. I’m sure he loved John, but a lot of the “sexual/Romantic evidence” really can just be as construed as platonic love. I feel there may be some confirmation bias looking for “clues”. (Not an attack on anyone, but some of the analysises seem to try too hard, really).

He does make references, with the whole “calling him babe during concerts”, and “in bed” but that could just mean he’s not uncomfortable with coming off “gay”. He has a quote about it somewhere I think. He’s supportive of the community at any rate.

This is kind of my own bias, but at times I think he…plays it up a little during the present day? Again, I’m positive he did love John a lot, but with how he is, a charmer, good at manipulating his image, he knows there is a benefit to building up the “magical” Lennon McCartney dynamic. John’s dead, and the old conflicts have faded, so he has no reason not to. I don’t think he’s anti-social, or a psycho or anything, but he certainly does put a lot of thought into his image, especially now, with how he wants to leave his legacy.

I’m less knowledgeable about John, and the speculation about his mental illnesses, but on his end, I can certainly see it. Maybe he’s just blind, but the looks are very much…yeah. He does seem to rely Paul a lot, and hold him in very high regard (REGARDLESS of what those old male biographers might make of him). You just know he was suffering over Paul, poor bastard.

Not sure if anything happened. I think Paul knew though, and either ignored it, or was kind, knowing John wouldn’t act on it. OR he didn’t notice! With the whole “we shared beds A LOT. you would think he’d make a pass at me, darling~”

I guess that’s how I see it. I don’t really have strong feelings on the nature of their relationship, or want them to be “confirmed”, so I try to be as objective as possible! Not a shipper, but not a male biographer. In fact, I was very put off learning the ship was a thing at first! With every fan base “having to” ship the main male leads, that’s what I thought this was. But after three years, reading actual books, primary stuff, I’ve began to change my mind on its legitimacy, and this was my conclusion. But new information can always change!

(Sorry for the long long analysis, god! I just took my adderall and I should go eat! Feel free to block me for spam/harassment.)

Yeah, this is basically my big mclennon dilemma: did Paul love John?

Of course he loved him, but I mean did he harbour any homosexual feelings towards John - and I just go back and fourth on that a lot.

In my last response to an anon I wasn’t necessarily trying to argue that Paul was romantically/sexually attached to John, because all in all, I don’t believe he did - but it probably came off that way because I didn’t particularly like the way the anon had phrased some stuff (like calling him “a master manipulator” and “incapable of love”) and so I just sort of wanted to show that the relationship was more nuanced then just “john was simping for paul”. My overall point with that response was more so that whilst I think Paul struggles in showing real affection and emotions, I don’t think he was incapable of love prior to Linda. I think he did really love John (in whichever form of love you want to take it: romantically, platonically etc.)

And so my point I guess wasnt so much that Paul was always capable of love (because I think he did at least love his family, his close-friends, probably Jane etc.), but maybe more so that he was always capable of intimacy with another person, though he struggled with it.

But yeah, he was quite cruel to a lot of the girls he slept with in the 60s, but I wouldn’t say that suggests he was incapable of love (i know thats not what you’re saying but other people might interpret it through that lens) I would just say he was young, dumb, ridiculously rich and famous and not emotionally mature enough yet to really empathise with most of those girls. Not trying to completely excuse him, but like, i dunno, i always just try to view people from the most human perspective. Everyones an twat sometimes yknow

I also really struggle to see romance on Pauls behalf towards John - the only times I think “wait but maybe he did fancy john back” is when I read some of his lyrics (like in ‘Coming Up’, ‘Yvonne’s The One’, and to some extent ‘Here Today’ - though I think interpreting Here Today as strictly platonic love is still a valid interpretation). I mentioned this in a different post though, that analysing his lyrics just isnt particularly convincing for me, because it feels more like speculation - and also as someone who does write songs, I know that a lot of lyrics just arent as deep as we wish they were. It is really difficult to be truly introspective and honest in a song, without exaggerating or hyperbolising or fictionalising any autobiographical aspects.

I do see your point with Paul possibly playing up the “Lennon/McCartney m a g i c” - im not entirely sure how much I agree, but I do agree to some extent. I think he’s always been very image conscious, and being in what is probably the all-time most famous pop band definitely wouldve heightened that. Even as a teenager I think he’s always just had this natural charm about him, and that tends to stem I guess from a need to be liked; I think you can see it in every interview he’s ever done to be honest. Its not necessarily a bad thing, (because id take a charmer over a rude knobhead any day) but I guess it sort of just shows that Paul is flawed like everybody else. Also, just read @mothernatures-sons tags and I agree with her - Paul just knows when to be a nice person! Nothing wrong with that! It isnt manipulative like the last anon suggested, its just how most people are: polite :) Ive heard a lot of anecdotes from people who have worked with or met Paul and the majority of them say he was a just a nice guy. Not saying he was never an arsehole (cause yeah he was pretty cruel to those girls in the 60s) but I think overall, hes a pretty good guy 👍

On the other hand though, you could also say that superficial journalists are looking for superficial answers - and Paul knows what the people want to hear. But occasionally ill hear an interview that does seem more intimate then most - I havent listened to it in awhile, but the interview he did with Sean I remember felt more honest to me then most. And when he said he’d like to spend the day “in bed” with John, to me that felt like a genuine and fitting response. Because, whilst it has sexual connotations, it also just feels like he’s saying he’d just like to sit around, chat, dont chat, just whatever with John for a day. Like he would just like another moment of intimacy with him.

I think we are pretty much in agreement on most of this though! At first I was also like “nah, mclennon isnt real, teenage girls just love shipping guys!” (I am a teenaged girl and I can confirm this lol) but then it just sort of became apparent to me through reading more and more about their relationship that there probably was something more on Johns behalf. If John wasnt in love with Paul, then it feels as though a lot of things he said and did just dont add up (the big one for me is him marrying Yoko so soon after Paul married Linda - like I really cannot come up with a heterosexual explanation for that!)

But when it comes to Paul, though ill have moments of doubt, I dont think he was in love with John (homosexually) and I do think a lot of the evidence on Pauls behalf seems like a stretch (but like you, im not having a go at anyone, because I understand that it is easy to carried away, plus its fun - but realistically, most of Pauls evidence just is not convincing to me). He’s comfortable with his sexuality, and I really do try to respect that and not force a gay interpretation of quotes or songs from him, unless it is genuinely making me question his sexuality and mclennon.

PS dont worry, I didn’t take this is spam at all!! And also, I would never block someone just for disagreeing with me! I enjoy discussion and I think its good to engage with people who disagree with you! To be honest, id only block someone if they were purposely being a real arsehole <3

[tigerdrop]

hey i just wanna say the long posts genuinely make my day. also can you talk more about gordon freeman character because the way you write him makes me quake in my gay little boots

i would love to talk about gordon freeman. thank u for the opportunity

the first thing i need to communicate about gordon is that this dude sucks. and i say this in the fondest way possible. he is a bitch from the moment he drops into the world until the moment he goes out. if you dont believe me, give it another watch! gordons mouthy and rude for no real reason, at least so far as “being a regular dude on his way into work” goes, and this dude goes around calling his coworkers names with zero provocation. (of course, we all know that the reason is because its a funny guy improv stream that borrows a bit from freemans mind, but im talkin from a character sense.)

but my argument isnt just that gordon freeman sucks. its that he sucks in a very specific way that i find insanely endearing. i love this dude. i love to hate him. hes awful in a very mundane sense - weve all known a guy like this, at least if youve spent too much time online - and its cathartic to watch him suffer because of it.

gordons a smart guy. as written, hes gotta be - hes a recent MIT grad, on his way to work at a top-secret research facility to do weird shit with crystals and theoretical physics. but the thing about smart guys is that theyre often......selectively intelligent. we can see this in the way that he has a hard time navigating his surroundings, and needs the science crew to guide him through it and keep him alive.

this is one of those things that is a natural consequence of somebody going through the game for the first time, but that i am interpreting as “gordon is kind of stupid sometimes”. its uncharitable but its not like he doesnt deserve it. he likes to boss around the crew as if he knows what hes doing, when he often very much does not, and is fond of demeaning their intelligence. hes real bad about this with tommy in particular, treating him like hes a kid whos playing at being a scientist when tommy is actually a decade older than him. all i am saying is that gordon ought to stay humble. hes awful cocky when he perceives himself as better than others.

which, i think, tracks with how cocky he gets when he gives up on the whole “well-meaning citizen” thing and just unloads bullets into people. he puts up a front of being a Nice Guy, you know, just some dude caught in a bad situation who doesnt like seeing his companions obliterate every NPC they come across, but that doesnt stop him from cackling like a fucking madman and mowing down aliens (and soldiers) every once in awhile. when he stops seeing himself as helpless and starts seeing himself as the one in control, the gloves come off. he gets mean. and i think thats very sexy of him

this, among other things, is why i am insistent that gordon freeman is a control freak. he desperately wants to be in control of the situation at all times, shepherding around the science crew primarily by bitching at them, but its of limited success. its futile. sisyphean. tommy, coomer, bubby, and benrey exist almost to torment him with exactly the thing that would make him suffer the most: a gaggle of people running around causing problems for him, but he cant go anywhere without them b/c hes reliant on them to make it out alive.

its perpetual suffering, and its cathartic to watch. and funny, too. and if youre a little weirdo like me, its very, very enjoyable. how twisted up he gets when nobodys listening to him! how sweaty and frazzled he must look. its cute, and it also makes me want to reach through the screen and shake him and tell him to just be a little nicer. he wants control but he doesnt know how to attain it, he doesnt know how to play nice like a real leader. i think its a neat contrast to gordon freeman as we know him in HL2, where he literally is the leader of the resistance and has to live up to it. this is gordon freeman but if he was moe through helplessness.

“helpless” is, i think, a great way to describe him. a core bit of imagery in half life is this sense of railroadedness and helplessness, with gordon freeman being put into play like a chess piece and having no choice but to move forward. and this iteration of gordon leans into that by being totally dependent on the science crew in order to make progress and Not Die. and hes also subject to the whims of benrey, local eldritch weirdo who has basically made it his life mission to fuck with gordon.

gordons anxieties dont help with that. if he wasnt so fun to stress out and fuck with, the science crew probably wouldnt do it so much! too bad for him that they like fucking with him so much that he was driven into a panic attack (multiple times, even, depending on your interpretation). hes got that real neurotic mindset. always worrying about shit that could go wrong, and attempting to exert control over his surroundings in an effort to control the anxiety.

IMO the real way to nail the Neurotic Gordon Freeman Experience is to combine the ever-present anxiety with his pervasive sense of self-loathing. he openly states that he has no friends and nobody seems to like him, and to that, i really gotta say, i wonder why. he doesnt really seem to factor in that hes kind of a bitch, and has way too high an estimation of his own intelligence relative to everybody elses. its really one of the worst ways to be: aware that people dont like you, but unaware of exactly why. if he was like, 10% nicer, he probably wouldnt have had half as many issues getting through black mesa, but also, its funny to see him squawking his way through the game. so, you know.

its stuff like that that makes me headcanon him as a dude with low self-esteem in general. convinced that hes not likable, not attractive, out of his element......impostor syndrome, except that theres some truth to it. this is a guy who truly does not realize how good he has it: he really is just an average shitty dude, and yet, somehow, benrey took a shine to him. some poor motherfucker out there actually likes him and wants to suck his dick. thats dedication

also, i keep bringing up “repression” when i talk about gordon. and hopefully, what ive been talking about helps explain why. he has a strong desire to be a regular dude, not just murdering his way through black mesa, but if hes pushed hard enough he leans into it. gets bossy. picks up a cigar off a dead soldier and takes a long drag, before smacking forzen around with a pistol and ordering him around. gordon freeman is a regular, kind of anxious guy who likes competitive swimming and streaming on justin.tv and making anime references, and he is also a guy who takes a filthy pleasure in making a trained soldier his bitch. and i didnt make up any of this shit - this is purestrain canon, baby. this is a guy with problems

to me, this screams the kind of guy who represses a lot of shit b/c he doesnt feel like its morally decent. you run into this guy a lot online: the wokeboy, the online leftist, the guy who spends too much time on social media websites. (like reddit. i think he would actively use reddit and he would never get any appreciable amount of karma but he never stops posting. its sisyphean! cathartic.) from the way he talks about “bootboys”, i think it tracks. he knows about imperialism, he knows about feminism, but at the end of the day hes your average american white dude who struggles with internalizing it.

a lot of those dudes struggle with sex and gender issues. (dont we all.) when youre trying to be a Good Person(tm), you spend a lot of time thinking about your own relationship to sex and kink and all that shit. and i maintain that a too-online dude who buries a lot of his control freak tendencies would also try to bury a lot of weird sexual shit in an attempt to seem Normal and Well-Adjusted and not like a little freak. i justify this by the sheer number of times gordon blurts out weird sex shit as a joke. there are only two outcomes to making that many piss jokes: either youre secretly a piss guy, or you lathe-of-heaven yourself into becoming one. i will stand by this

ive talked a lot about why this dude sucks. now, let me talk to you about what makes gordon so much fun to write. first things first: hes funny! a subjective evaluation, yeah, but both in- and out-of-character, hes aiming to be funny. and being the straight man to everybody else plays into that whole “helplessness” thing.

secondly: underneath it all, there is a good dude under there. gordon worries when his companions get hurt, he tries to clean them off and patch them up, and hes got his lil leftist heart in the right place. you could even read a lot of his bossy, bitchy demeanor as him wanting to make sure everyone gets out okay and doesnt hurt themselves. when it comes to animals and anti-imperialist sentiment, gordons a pretty good guy.

hes the kind of guy who would probably see a dog on the street and get excited and play with it, but would get really prickly about the correct way to put dishes in the dishwasher. control freak tendencies.

finally, subjecting such a miserable, tormented guy to even more psychological anguish is really, really fun. you feel a little bad for him, but he kind of deserves it. so many problems he goes through are purely of his own making, and if gordon would just relax and quit trying to hard to maintain control - of himself, of the people around him - and own up to having Problems and Issues, he would be a happier guy. but thats why its fun to bend him until he breaks. being a little control freak myself, putting gordon freeman thru psychosexual torment is cathartic.

when it comes to writing his thought processes, the fact that he is canonically some kind of psychotic (yes, i am boldly claiming this. suck me) and i am also canonically some kind of psychotic makes it easier to write what i think his thought processes are. i just give him my brain issues of “getting lost in thought” and “overthinking fucking everything”. a touch of paranoia helps. even if i dont explicitly label him as schizophrenic please know that i am writing him as a paranoid little nutcase at all times because, uh, you write what you know.

paranoid. anxious. of the mindset that everyones out to get him (which isnt helpful when everyone is out to get him). repressed and deeply Not Normal but trying so very fucking hard to be normal and well-adjusted. a control freak with sadistic tendencies who also really, really likes getting bullied by his best frenemy. a hapless little nerd who sounds really cute when his voice starts to break from nerves. and, most importantly, a dumb jock. do not ever forget this.

thats gordon freeman, babey. hope that helps

[ao3gingerswag]

on the whole idea of the boys when they're older interacting with kids, what if one day a kid comes in with his family who's like rly shy and timid, like not bc of abuse he's just rly shy and with his family who are perhaps quite boisterous and he's not and he gets quite anxious and there's a whole thing where the boys are able to bring him out of his shell ;~; like when he and his family are sitting down for a meal dean comes out with their food and makes him relax bc hes so good with kids. he comes down during the night bc he heard a noise and got scared and cas is down there cleaning up for the night and talks to him about nature to calm him down and the boy is like :)) and then the next morning he's outside and there's other kids who are playing with sam and he's off to the side but sam notices and is able to bring him into the play and he ends up making friends with the other kids, and then by the time the family have to leave the inn he's like smiling and happy and he turns to his parents and is like 'can we come back here soon :D' and it's this rly nice moment, maybe from his perspective so we get to see others reactions to the boys :))

ALSO AS I WAS WRITING THIS I HAD AN EPIPHANY WHAT IF THE BOY IS JACK. DOESN'T NEED TO BE BUT IT WORKS KINDA WELL!!

awwww this is so cute!!! Maybe this could be combined with the prompt about cas helping the family with an autistic child and helping the parents understand their kid better....like maybe the kid is autistic and so he has a hard time talking sometimes and is withdrawn bc of difficulty interacting with others. and dean is so good with kids, even if he can't spot right away that the kid is autistic like cas would be able to, he can tell when he comes out with the food that the kid is in distress. like he's like and here's yours sir :) to the kid (dean is very polite but he is calling the kid sir as a bit of a joke to make the kid smile) and the kid like doesnt look up and the parents are like oh sorry he's just shy. and dean is like oh. hmmm. cause the kid has like his fingers clenched in his tunic. when he comes back out he like crouches next to the kid to make him feel more comfortable and is like hey :) i'm dean :) and the kid doesnt look up or say anything and the parents r like sorry he gets like this idk why. jack look at the nice boy and introduce yourself. (i didnt watch the later seasons but from what i see on tumblr.edu the consensus is that jack is autistic so!) and dean is like no thats ok he doesnt have to look at me/talk to me. and then to jack he's like. u know i have a friend who doesn't always look at people or talk to them and we get along just fine. so i think me and jack are gonna get along great :) and then to jack he's like. you know. my friend and i dont always talk using our voices. sometimes we use our hands! (i guess this is post meeting eileen- i've said this on a different post but once dean cas and sam r introduced to the concept of sign language they adopt it immediately bc cas feels so much more comfortable communicating like that when he's having trouble w/ words) and jack is like ??! so turns towards dean w/o making eye contact, clearly intrigued. and dean is like :) wanna see? :) and jack nods. and dean shows him a few basic signs and jack mimics him. and one of the words is upset. and then once jack learns it, dean signs "you upset?" to him. ;~; and jack nods. and dean is like. wanna tell me what's up? maybe i can help! and then jack does the shy kid thing of indicating with body language that they dont wanna say what's wrong out loud, so dean leans in and jack whispers into his ear "loud." and dean is like oh! i see! we can fix that :) can i tell your parents what you just told me? and jack nods. so dean says to the parents (who r looking on in bemusement) its a bit loud in here for jack. mind if i take him outside for a minute? and the parents are like oh! sweetheart why didnt you tell us? (they arent bad parents they just dont get jack and its the middle ages so its not like there is info out there) and jack shrugs and the parents sort of helplessly shrug at each other, bc jack not verbalizing issues is a common problem for them. and they r like um its ok u dont have to take him outside we will take him. but do u mind bringing our food outside and stuff. like can we eat there. and dean is like of course no problem! and theyre like r u sure? im sorry that u have to go out of ur way for us, im sorry about our son, he can be. kinda fussy sometimes. and dean is like literally dont worry about it!

so then jack's parents take him outside and they all eat on the porch, and dean keeps popping back over to check on them. and jack is clearly much happier and starts to become much more verbal now that he's not overstimulated. still shy and quiet but much more smiley and every time dean brings them something he's very quietly like "thank you."

omg! maybe dean notices that he's not eating his food and so he's like do we want something else? and the parents r like omg no omg im sorry he's just so particular about what he likes omg the food is great jack pls eat ur food dont be rude. and dean is like he's not being rude at all he's a very polite young man :) id be happy to bring something else out. and the parents r like. well. if you're sure...he likes things that r like. boring. like really really boring. like plain porridge with nothing in it and stuff like that. and dean is like mashed potatoes? and the parents r like yes! and jack perks up. and so he brings that out for jack. and he brings it out and the parents r like omg omg thank u SO much for going so out of ur way for our weird kid even tho he still wont look at u at all. they dont say that part they're not assholes to jack, its implied tho and jack kinda curls into himself bc hes embarrassed about causing problems. and dean ofc notices and is like. u know. my friend who talks with his hands can be very particular too. he doesnt like the noise in the dining room either, and he also only likes certain foods. and jack perks up again :)

ahhh he keeps coming out to check on them and he's like hey how u doing? and!! oh no maybe dean also taught him the sign for happy and he signs "happy" at dean ;~:

to be clear- dean doesn't make the connection that jack LIKE like cas, as in he's autistic, at least not yet. like i think he WOULD if he had more time with him, but cas is the only autistic person he's ever met, and he just met jack. dean def just thinks he's very shy, but he's great with kids and can tell right away that jack is upset, and he shows him the signs not cause he realizes that jack is actually non-verbal in that moment but because he really doesnt care if the kid doesn't want to talk to him, he just wants to help. and he shows him the signs and stuff bc he wants the kid to tell him whats wrong, but kids wont tell strangers that if u just ask upfront, you have to gain their trust a little first ;~; and dean understands all of this instinctually bc he's great with kids so he manages to figure out whats wrong and solve the problem even without realizing that jack is autistic. ;~;

the person who figures out that jack is autistic is definitely cas!! jack comes down in the middle of the night maybe not cause he hears a noise, maybe he just cant sleep bc he hates his routine being disrupted and being in a new place ;~; and the sheets feel all wrong and everything smells wrong and everything is different and he hates it ;~; so he comes downstairs maybe be he's crying and he doesnt want to wake his parents up. and cas is downstairs cleaning up still, it's totally quiet tho now so there is no overstimulation. and cas is like oh! a tiny person!! uuhhh.... he def panics a little bc he's not good w people and he's not sure what to do with a random crying child. maybe he briefly considers waking dean up bc dean is good with kids and also maybe he saw dean talking to jack earlier. but then hes like no dean is tired i dont want to bother him ill try to deal with it. and hes like um. hello. um. my name is castiel i am the owner of this inn. um i guess u dont care about that. um. r u ok? and then the kid signs "upset" ;~; and cas is like oh! bc thats their signs! so he signs "what's wrong, why are you upset?" back even tho like it's just their home signs so how would this kid know them. but he signed "upset" so cas responds kinda on instinct. and the kid does not understand anything other than upset bc dean only showed him like 5 signs and he kinda already forgot the other ones. but it doesnt matter! bc those r hand words like dean was talking about and showing him! which must mean this is his friend who doesnt like looking at people or talking!! and jack is verbally like. r u dean's friend who doesnt like looking at people or talking. and cas is like um? yeah i guess? thats me. and jack is like ! i am very particular too! and bc he trusts dean and now by extension cas, and believes dean about cas being "particular" like him, he doesnt feel embarrassed about admitting what's wrong. and he spills his guts hes like everything is WRONG i dont like how anything feels or smells or tastes and everything is different from how it is at home and i HATE it and mom and dad says thats rude but i dont want to be rude but i cant sleep bc everything is all wrong!!! ;~; and he says all this not looking at cas and waving his hands around his head. and cas is like......................................................................oh. hm. i see. this is Me.

so he's just very empathetic and is like im really sorry i totally understand, you're not being rude, i also feel that way whenever we travel and i also am very selective about what i can touch and eat and stuff and am very sensitive to the physical environment. i know i cant fix it all but is there anything i can do to help you feel better? do u want to try some different blankets? and he takes jack to the linen closet and is extremely patient as he brings down each blanket and lets jack touch each one and decide which is the best. and it DOESNT solve everything but just having someone take him seriously and listen to him makes jack feel so much better and hes eventually able to go back to sleep ;~;

in the morning theyre outside, sam who's like 16 or whatever is chasing the kids around playing tickle monster. and jack's parents try to get him to go play with sam and the other kids but he doesnt want to he's too shy and anxious. and cas keeps staring at jack like :( bc he KNOWS but he doesnt know what to do about it. he brings it up with dean and dean is like OH. i see THATS what was going on with him he's like you! and cas is like yeah :( idk what to do about it...

sam sees jack hanging around with his parents on the side and he's like hey! do u want to come play? and jack is like................ and his parents r like sorry hes really shy. and sam is like thats ok! i have an idea, why dont we change the game and we can play hide and seek! (bc that doesnt require jack to jump in to interacting with a big crowd of kids) he's like :) i bet u can hide real well! :) and jack is like! :D and he nods bc hes like whoa i CAN hide really well! and they play hide and ofc sam is the seeker but when he finds the kids he always kinda turns it into man hunt cause he's like ah HA i got u!!! and he chases them around. and eventually he finds jack and hes like mwahahahaha now im gonna EAT you!!! and jack like screeches and giggles and bolts away and sam chases him and the other kids, and basically he like tricks jack into playing the exact same game they were playing before by like easing him into it by not making the start of the game require walking up to a crowd of ppl. but then once they r in the game he's ok just running around with the other kids :)

meanwhile dean and cas watch this and dean is like. do u want to talk to the parents. and cas is like. :/ i dont know how to do that. like how would we even start that conversation. and dean is like. i can help u :) so he does! he's like hey u remember i was talking about my friend to ur son the other day? this is he! u met him when u were checking in! ive noticed that he's like really really similar to ur son and has some of the same issues, and we were wondering if u wanted to talk about how cas deals with some of those things? and basically dean eases them into the conversation and makes it unintimidating for both parties. and cas teaches the parents all about the concept of sign language, and how going non-verbal is more than just being shy, and like they start describing situations in which jack was like Weird theyre like one time he started screaming and crying and rocking in public we didnt know what to do! and cas is like well where were u? what was going on? and like helps them identify the kinds of sensory things that probably trigger jack and stuff. and just like. its a good convo.

omg and cas is literate by this point and maybe the parents r too and hes like. if u ever wanna write to me and ask me about more shit and whatever pls dont hesitate. and then they DO and basically they help this family understand and raise their autistic son and its great!!! :D

anyway this is a VERY long response i definitely just outlined a mini-fic here.

[the19thduckpotato]

In the Shadow of a Smile (Part 6)

Part 5

Izuku started to feel full and sleepy, suppressing a yawn and blinking away the sleepy tears resulting from it.

"Mmm?"  Toshi dabbed at his mouth with the fancy cloth napkin.  "Tired?"

"Mm, a little...." Izuku pillowed his squishy cheek on his hand, eyes drooping a bit. "S'cause I ate, I guess. I'll wake up later."

Toshi tucked some bills under his own plate, waved to Ryori, then held a hand out for Izuku.  "C'mon, then.  Can't have you falling asleep in public."

Izu gave a slightly-dopey grin, taking Toshi's hand and following. "I wouldnnnn't!" Urgh, I hope he walks slow. I'm full.

Toshi guided his charge outside.  "Oh really?" he asked teasingly.

"Noooo!" Izu grinned bigger and shook his head.

And though he didn't mean to, Toshi found he had led them back to the riverfront. "It's ok, really.  We can call it a day.  It's been exciting enough already, heh."

Sounds nice, to be honest. "But don't you wanna go anywhere else?" He muffled a yawn into the sleeve of his new jacket, then smiled as he was once again reminded of its existence.

"Nah, kid.  Your company has been greatly appreciated--" ever since Mirai His heart twisted painfully and he forcefully shoved the thought away.  "--but I don't want to drag you all over the place.  Let's get you home."

"Bu' whaddabou' you?" Izu rubbed at his eyes with one hand, the other still happily nestled into Toshi's big warm one.

Big hand squeezed small one.  "Hmm?"

Small one squeezed back. "D'you wanna go home or not."

I just like being around you.  You're good for this tired soul. But I also shouldn't be selfish... "You're the one blinking back sleep, heh."

And tired and I really wanna go home and sleep and-- NO, you gotta listen to him, he's not answering you! That means-- "But I won't be soon enough... n you didn't answer me, y'know." He squinted up at Toshi slightly suspiciously.

"Pretty sure I did," he replied with a wink and a crinkle eyed smile.  "There's plenty more shops to explore next time."  He gently tugged on Izuku's hand.

"Y'did not," Izuku objected as he went along with the tug.

"Shhh, you're delirious with tiredness."  A fatherly rumble of laughter.  "...want me to carry you?"  He rubbed the back of his head.  "I know you're kind of big for that...but...."

Izu blinked up at him. "--Ah... are you sure you want to?" I have to be too heavy for him-- and do I even want that? I'd be pretty embarrassed, I'd look silly-- but if I say no he'll never ask again!! That would be awful I DEFINITELY can't miss this chance but what if I am too heavy--

Another squeeze of hands.  "We'll keep going, then.  Don't worry, I'll catch ya if you drift off."

Did I miss my chance? Did he hear something in my voice and see it as a No? Did I push him away, or-- Izuku cut off his worried thoughts and leaned closer to Toshi.

"Really, though.  Don’t push yourself too hard.  I'll always be here to help, ok?"

Izu laughed softly. "I'm okay, really. ...Me too."

"You look good in that jacket." ....??? say it "You, uh... you look good in that jacket.  Kinda remind me of me as a kid."

Izuku’s face went from :o  to :D

Lookit that, another smile courtesy of Small Might.  See?  You don't always have to be super powerful to bring them happiness. Toshi made a noise of indeterminate emotion.

Izuku tilted his head, unsure how to respond. ...Is something wrong?

Toshi ruffled Izuku's hair.  "Home, then.  To the dorms, anyway.  It won't look weird if you suddenly noodle flop on me there.  ...less distance to carry you, too," he added impishly in a stage whisper.

Izuku grinned, ducking his head with a hissing sort of muffled laugh.

"Heehee, noodle flop.  That's...I gotta remember that one.  ....sounds like a plan?  I don't want to cut our visit short here if you don't want to."

“But I want what you want, you’re the one in charge here!” Izuku leaned against Toshi’s arm, flopping his head back dramatically as he tried to find out what Toshi really wanted behind his polite insistence that Izuku choose. “It’s your money anyway, heh.”

"Funny thing about being the Number One hero--no one ever lets me spend my money."  He shrugged with a shy smile.  "I wish they would, it's the right thing to do.  But I can't deny them the pleasure of wanting to do something for me.  ...that's why I like this idea of gifts.  Especially if we order online.  No one would know it was me."

Izuku’s eyes got wide, and his mouth formed into something between surprise and excitement. :> “Do you wanna wrap ‘em and give ‘em to the kids secretly? Because I can sneak some to their doors,” he bounced on his toes, thrilled that an old hobby of his was finally coming in handy again. “I’m pretty good at that!” He ducked his head again, realizing he sounded boastful. “Uhh, kinda, I mean.”

Toshi's jaw dropped, eyes wide.  "Why you sneaky little--"  Then he burst into an enormous grin.  "Excellent.  My protege and my accomplice." Not partner, though. He's too young for that. You know what I mean. ....... He pressed a knuckle to his mouth, trying not to take too obviously a deep and calming breath.  The grin burst forth again, still genuine but not quite as huge.

Izuku hid his own grin, a suppressed giggle that sounded undeniably like a zebra bubbling up.

Toshi's heart ached with relief.  He had almost slipped.  "Popcorn,"  he suddenly gasped.  "We have popcorn and you eat popcorn at movies and if you still feel sleepy, napping during a movie is generally accepted."

Izuku looked up with a gasp. “Yyyyyess!!” He bounced on his toes, all sleepiness hidden for the moment by excitement. “—wait wait, we can’t take that into a movie theater.”

"Well no, but I'm sure we could....hmmm.  We might need to bring more popcorn home if we watch in the common room."

“Hmm. True.” Izuku pulled at his lower lip in thought.

Toshi felt his resolve waver.  Somehow, going back to Madame Popol's and being social once more and then bringing home foodstuffs that would attract people which would mean being more social when all of a sudden, all he really wanted to do was curl up in his bed, pillow over his head-- Be strong. Don't drag everyone else down with you. "Good idea or best idea?" he said cheerfully.

“Huh?” Izuku blinked up at him, slightly lost.

"Bringing home popcorn for a big rousing movie night.  I guess we'd need to figure out what we want to watch, then.  Something that'd appeal to a lot of people.  Maybe even invite Mirio and--" His exuberant chatter cut off as he stared at the river, brows furrowed.  "--and uh..." Name, quick! Nighteye. NO.  Someone else!  The one kid, the...you know, with the--which class is she-- You mean Sir? Tyrande?  Tyra? You can't invite Mirio with out inviting Mirai, that's just rude. But i can't, he's.... Toshi was fast losing his train of thought.  Try as he might, he couldn't call up another name that wasn't Mirai.

"Oh, all of them?" Izuku's eyebrows wrinkled and he tilted his head, concerned about Toshi's trailing-off and apparent inner struggle for words. "I thought... it was too late?" A small pause. "...Are you okay?" he asked softly.

Everything hurt now.  His head pounded, his heart ached, his breath scraped at his throat.  His hand squeezed to dig his nails in, to slap himself out of it get ahold of yourself And felt the smaller hand still in his grasp. get ahold of yourself He turned to smile. hide it fake it till you make it don't ruin this don't steal his smile Mirai wanted smiles for everyone remember "...Are you okay?" the kid asked softly. Toshi froze.  The kindness in those words--he needed wanted it very badly.  He allowed himself to think about letting go, just for a moment, and felt his grasp on everything slipping. get ahold of yourself NOW His shoulders hitched, just once.

Izuku's eyes widened, and his other hand curled around Toshi's arm, holding on gently.

"...please no..." A hoarse plea.  Large hand squeezed small and Toshi tilted his head to the sky, refusing to let the tears fall.

"O-okay..." Izuku reluctantly removed his other hand, though the one holding Toshi's remained.

what are you afraid of? I'm afraid of losing him too, ok?! Idiot.  You absolute idiot.  What do you think you're doing right now? "Forgive me," the blond stammered out.  "I didn't mean to..." He felt a hot tear streak down and quickly covered his face with his free hand.  And under this cover, several more tears soon joined the first. not afraid of being seen? Toshi found himself too exhausted to worry about it any longer.

"It's okay," Izuku said softly. You can have boundaries, people are supposed to have those, I think.... The small hand squeezed the few fingers it could wrap around.

And there went your chance.  But at least you won't look weak in front of Toshi slowly sank to the ground, his free hand grasping the railing.  His flushed face shone with wetness. .....what are you doing. "--Izuku." Toshi broke Izuku's grasp so he could pull the boy into a hug.  He tried to speak but his throat worked and he knew forcing it would only bring a deluge of waterworks. I don't want to lose you, I'm sorry, I'm scared, I can't protect you any more, I couldn't bear it if something happened.  I just dont know how to speak my heart.  It's been so long, I'm out of practice.  Forgive your teacher, he's trying. He could only hold Izuku, trembling.

Izuku's heart skipped a beat as he watched Toshi sink to the ground, and again as Toshi broke his hand away. --??!? His arms wrapped around broad shoulders as best they could, holding tight. It's okay it's okay-- well it's clearly not okay but I'm gonna help as much as I can anyway-- what's wrong, what happened, did everything just catch up to him at once?? Should I ask or should I know already

"I'm so sorry, I'm messing everything up," Toshi whispered with a shaky laugh.  He buried his face in the familiar green hair. please let me keep him please don't let anything happen to him.  I'll try to do my best by him but PLEASE Then don't make the same mistakes.  Which means communicating. Toshi made a noise and continued to hold his kid.  but I'll say the wrong thing or something stupid or Or at least you'll be talking which is infinitely better. "...Izuku," Toshi murmured into the messy mossy mop.

"You're not," Izuku whispered back. "You're not." He hugged closer, lifting his head a big when he heard his name. "Yeah?"

"I promise I was just trying to make it a nice day for you.  And for me so I wouldn't think about things."  A sad sniffle.  "I may have used you as a distraction but I really did enjoy your company today.  Honest." And you're scared of it ending because you're afraid something might happen to him, you're scared of the thoughts coming, you're afraid of so much when All Might is never supposed to be afraid. "And I guess... I'm afraid..." With the truth so close now, the relief and the shame both vying so vehemently to take his heart, Toshi felt the tears well up thicker than ever.

"Of what?" One hand shifted, almost curling into wild blond hair.

Master.  Mirai.  Midoriya. "...I'm afraid of watching you slip from my fingers, too." Both arms wrapped around Izuku protectively as he gave voice to a sob, half terrified, half relieved.

"I'm here," Izuku whispered, tears starting to sting his eyes. I can't make promises for the future, I'm not that stupid, I know how things work. ...But now, right now.... "I'm here. And I'll fight to stay with you."

Toshi held him like he never wanted to let go as tears, now of grief for Mirai, now for want of Master, now for the ever looming fear of Izuku's safety, poured down faster and faster. And for the moment, his inner thoughts were silent as he simply let the hurts of his heart out.

Izuku held as tight as he possibly could, trying to sway comfortingly, heart pounding. Oh boy oh boy oh boy whatamidoing what if I do it wrong OH NO HELP-- No. No, I need to be there for him. Just... let him cry, that's all you'd want someone to do for you. After a while, his inner thoughts tried to drift to things like popcorn and whether there would still be time for a movie or if Toshi would even want to do that after this or would he be too tired or-- Am I being a bad listener? That seems impolite-- but then again if I thought too hard about this I'd try to say something and inevitably wreck it. Best just not to let him know I was thinking of anything else.

Exhaustion slowly crept in as the tears lessened.  And though Toshi tried to release Izuku, his hands shook and his heart pounded in fear once more-- a villain could show up right now and I wouldn't be able to do anything --so his bearhug lessened but did not break. I have to let him go at some point And the bearhug did not break.

A deep breath seemed to force itself into Izuku's lungs, an awakening sigh shaking his ribs. He blinked, shifting his arms, though not letting go. He skillfully suppressed a yawn, nestling closer so Toshi wouldn't mistake the sigh for wanting to leave.

The large hands finally dropped, the long lanky arms unwinding from Izuku.

A gentle questioning noise. Are you ready to get up?

Blue eyes flicked to the boy, nervous, waiting to see how Izuku would react.  They quickly looked away as Toshi pushed himself to his feet.

Izuku stood up too, purposefully ignoring the large wet spot soaked through his jacket shoulder. He kept looking up at Toshi, monitoring his reactions closely.

Toshi quickly wiped at his eyes and cleared his throat.  "I apologize.  I've....held on to that for a while.  Wasn't sure how to..."  He shrugged limply.

Izuku hugged the beanpole. "S'okay." He leaned his head onto Toshi. "...Thank you."

Toshi looked surprised, ears flushing.  "For...?"

"For like... trusting me with it," Izuku said quietly, fingers fidgeting with Toshi's coatsleeve. "I know that's. That's really not something you do with a lot of people," he laughed softly. "So uhm," he was back to murmuring. "...Thank you." He gave Toshi's middle a quick, grateful squeeze.

Toshi stiffened, the realization hitting powerfully now.  Then he relaxed, the warmest and kindest smile yet lighting his face up.  "Thank you.  For listening."

Izuku smiled back just as brightly. "Thanks for letting me."

Toshi rubbed his hands nervously.  "Are you....ah... disappointed?"

Izuku's eyebrows furrowed and he blinked in confusion. "At what?"

Toshi rubbed one arm sheepishly.  "For not being as strong as you thought I was."  Even saying it out loud sounded ridiculous as he said it.

Izuku's puzzled squint deepened, and his head tilted further as he spoke. "You... are? You're even stronger than I thought you were." I mean I always knew All Might must have problems, but GEE WHIZ.

Toshi looked at the river again, biting his lip.  Then he shrugged and gave Izuku a thumbs up.  "Well so are you."

Izuku took a second to think about that-- exactly how strong did you THINK I was, that must have been nil at the beginning --then smiled up at him. "Thanks!" Another brow-furrow. "Did... you still wanna do that movie thing?" But so many people.... "...Maybe... if it's okay... not in the common room..." he lit up with an idea. "I have a laptop we can use!"

Toshi nodded with polite agreement, looking like a top heavy sunflower starting to lean over.  "Maybe that's best."  He rubbed his aching eyes.  "I'm not feeling up to too many people at the moment."  A soft embarrassed laugh.

Izuku made a face. "Mblegh. Me neither." Than gave a sheepish laugh and scrunch. "If that's okaaay.... heeheeh."

Toshi reached a hand out.  "You ok?"

"Oh, yeah, just tired." Izu shrugged. "Never was one for long days." He blinked with some panic, realizing once again how what he said could be taken very badly. "I mean I LOVED this, I did!! I just meant I got tired sometimes and-- ohhhhh no that came out all wrong"

Toshi knelt down and gently took Izuku's shoulders.  "Hey hey hey, easy, kid."  His eyes shone happily.  "I get exactly what you mean.  ...I'm sure the last few minutes didn't help but, well...  it's been a long day for both of us.  And I'm feeling pretty run down myself now."

Izuku impulsively wrapped around Toshi's shoulders again, relief flooding his heart. "Okay," he said, muffled into Toshi's coat. "You ready to go home?"

The blond hugged the boy back, the warmth of the person he loved the most so close, so caring.  "Yeah," he replied thickly.  "You?"

Izuku gave a sigh that might as well have been a purr, so cozy was it. "Yeah." He smiles contentedly, his eyes crinkling shut with sudden happiness. "Me too."

"C'mon then."  Toshi began to lead Izuku away, then paused and gazed over the river one last time. Goodbye, Mirai.  I won't forget to smile.

FIN.

[iconsumeheadcanons]

persona characters autism headcanons!

hi im autistic and i started my day with sun so now im !!!!!!!!! some of these headcanons are from elsewhere on tumbr, but i dont know where :(((  so i am hoping someone out there knows that n that everybody knows that i love them <3

(also go check out mollypaup and i think hypeswap if you havent already! they post some good stuff autism+adhd hc too!!! i think.. oh! and thieves-in-the-palace!!!)

P5

Joker

there was some artwork from someone on tublr..where they pointed out that he doesnt really talk outside the metaverse so--hes hyperverbal as joker and just near nonverbal as akiren

he stims ALL THE TIME. that phone thing, the pencil thing, the little tappy tap of his foot, pulling at his bangs when hes embarrassed/smug. someone get him a fidget spinner. he’ll prob learn to do tricks with it

he probably sucks at focusing in class, like i know its just the game design but hes always surprised out of his daily “star out the window at the nearby office building” when his teachers ask him questions

mona mentions when the pt is at Wilton for the first time (after they run into shido) that joker eats like shit, and that could have multiple causes at the start of the story of course, but when i first played i thought that joker was a picky eater and that the variety (and amount of food) at the buffet would be an Ordeal...

tho mona makes that comment bc joker looked pale after having a little ptsd moment from shidos voice, but i didnt know that the first time i played

maybe when joker makes a face at ryuji putting so much ginger in his gyudon? joker probably does not like pickled ginger lol

his favortive foods are all spicy, which is why the curry he makes for his friends is always ‘overly spicy’, and why kasumi makes him a curry bento and joker kept going “...?” .... “....?!”

overly reflective glasses have been a great plus for him bc now he never has to make real eye contact every again!

mona Soft. play with Ann hair. maybe Braid. nice

puns (Gorou the Goroumet)

he has so many options to be straight up rude sometimes in game. he probably no clue on his own, which is why he defaults to Not Talking. people probably mention his constant scary face, which is just him being nonexpressive, squinting at all the fucking bright lights, and Tired

executive function who? we do everything last minute folks

high pain tolerance, which is why he was the kid that was always climbing trees in elementary school to get basketballs unstuck from the branches

his sixth sense lets him see treasure and possible places to climb/crawl bc 1. Shiny? Steal it. Steal it Now. and 2. Could i fit in that? Time to Find Out

probalby a bit of a klepto too oops. he’ll return it tho!! but he has to do it dramatically or he’ll die

cant sit properly to save his life

smells and touch are Great, they can keep him grounded when his brain goes off to police or dead rivals or guilt or

if a friend hung out with him and gave him total reigns of the agenda, he would choose to nap on the floor while his friend does something off to the side quietly

hyperfocuses on handy tasks (i.e. lockpicks, coffee brewing, cleaning, his part time jobs) and some things like movies and books. everything else is a tossup

his (normal) navigation app is his most used app bc he still doesnt know where hes going, even though he only goes to the same few places in the city

hates being sweaty, literally cannot stand it. probably double exhausted during the summer

but Needs Compression so hes often Struggling

Futaba

paraphrase from p5d “i have no motor skills so i cant play rhythm games :(” need i say more? (i will regardless)

echolalia all the time, from anime, memes, the PT

those headphones she wears all the time? noise cancelling ear protectors babey

only talks about her interests, “normal” talking is Not Easy, but she is still communicative w others despite her worries. shes not “hard to understand” at all but she feels the anxiety nonetheless

only talks informally, cannot talk ‘politely’ with out imitating someone around her

shes had meltdowns and anxiety attacks in game :( i relate so hard

Technology. thats it

def had an egypt phase that pops up every few months. probably came from yu-gi-oh

has Immune to Bright Lights buff.  joker is very jealous

“Time to make like a tree and leave!” and 30 other iterations

video game metaphors are the only ones that makes sense to her

probably relates hard to robot characters in anime for their general androgyny and confusion about human emotions and connections

probably gets told that shes “too smart to be on the spectrum” by teachers >:( she fails their classes on purpose

wakaba’s autistic too that just how it is

the Connection that she establishes with Joker is so Warm. my life goals include adopting an older brother like futaba has lsdkfjslkfj

also eater of 5 foods only, i mean, she brings cup ramen to the beach. i just really admire her...

hides in small spaces for comfort

doesnt she have like uhhhhh hyperthymesia or something like that?

Yusuke

art

his entire social link is learning how humans work, which i relate

talks seriously all the time

“sarcasm? who is that? are you saying I was sarcastic?...how?”

cant remember to take care of his body, and madarame did not help with that either

lot of uncomfortable staring, hes overdoing the eye contact thingy

infodumps all the time, doesnt know hes doing it

needs a lot of support even if he doesnt think he deserves it. no one ever complains about helping him out tho

visual stims my friends

he didnt know that you could look up pictures on the internet but he does know you can stream live videos of waterfalls and fluffy animales!!

I am certainly in the mood

for something salty today.

he and joker are scared of math. numbers do not interact

Yusuke, futaba, and akiren are a trio and i know this bc their first day of non-thievery interacts is Akiren clearing Futabas room w/o permission, futaba hyperfocusing on destroying medjed, and yusuke rearranging futabas figurines so they are more visually appealing

morgana is a support friend for all of them bc igor knows they need it

P4

Souji/Yu

yes, he mostly wears gray semi formal clothes bc parents tell him to, no, he will not changes this

Schedule or Death

“sorry, could you repeat that?” “huh? oh yeah, i was saying that--” “yeah that’d be cool.”

cats, fishing, he just likes to be quiet. you can literally spend a day at the beach just to think if you want, and that is what yu want

has a lot of scripts for things (of which he shares with nanako!) but if he runs out he just stops talking..

inaba is a godsend bc its so fucking quiet and warm

he Yearns to hold his friends hands, but he shies away from a lot of touch (excepting yosuke, teddie, and nanako)

Cooking and Cleaning makes the world better. he and joker vibe together with this

unlike akiren, he strong arms any executive dysfunction into Be Productive or Else. his punishment is feeling the pure anxiety of having to make up for ‘lost time’. (another symptom of his workaholic parents)

writes everything down, notes are very neat, has pages dedicated for bad doodles when hes not feeling his usual Super Classroom Focus

Cannot handle secondhand embarrassment (most often caused by yosuke) and will quietly slip away to random cats or origami folding

hungry, crunch crunch folks. probably needs chewelry bc he used to chew on his shirt collars when he was younger.

cleans up after everyone in the food court, constantly worries about them accidently hurting themselves. likely spends half of group conversations watching peoples hands

he canonically eats expired food, nanako plz help your brother

really clumsy, but people only notice after they decide that he is a cool person

video games are too chaotic for him

exhausted every night from the pure amount of masking he does, if a friend spends the night (or is like yosuke) they will know his more comfortable weirdo self (tho everyone knows hes a weirdo eventually)

hyperempathetic, sometimes just understands animals and children better than peeople his age or older

Yukiko

her jokes

she and souji get in ‘trouble’ together, she and joker commit crimes together

she and chie have to coordinate outfits, its important

actually understands metaphors, but does not understand people

like me, had no clue that creepy kid was flirting with her

she is very angry when she has meltdowns that might involve slamming doors and shouting. her parents call these ‘tantrums’ and ‘unfitting for a polite daughter’ but really thats because her meltdowns tend to be caused by arguments w her family after a long day of school and TV world traipsing

the metronome meme, except hers goes between Loudest Person in the Room to Quietest Pin Drop in the Planet. she is completely unaware of this

her atmosphere brightens when chie appears. that is not only the lesbian energy within her, but also because chie is like her Favorite Person

Cannot wear Pants. No (tho she wants to try it! but she puts them on and her soul instantly squashes)

happy flappy lesbian! watch out!

Naoto

the pouty face. all the time lskdfjlasdkf

hes really snappy sometimes and i love that for him. he and akechi should fight just to see what would happen (please read Bang Bang Shoot Shoot on AO3)

“do not touch me or my hat, thank you”

no one has ever seen him shutdown and no one ever will (except for his grandpa)(and kanji)(and rise)

probably likes certain food textures and will stand for nothing less, probably feels embarrassed about his preferences with friends

constantly jumps between ‘everybody hates me so i should act like them so they dont hate me’ to ‘i refuse to be anything but very comfortable as myself, and i dont care that im making you upset sir’

he and souji are the king and queen of subtle stims, but for unhappy reasons :(

does not make jokes. cannot joke around. understand? yes, do? no.

loose clothes are the only good clothes, but all tags and obtrusive seams will be obliterated by kanji tatsumi

not very empathetic so he probably comes off as an asshole to strangers (like when he throws away his classmates confession letters without reading them) but he tries so hard to sound comforting when his buds are struggling.

his understanding of others emotions/reactions come from his learning as a detective, which seems cold+clinical to others, especially compared to souji, whos completely unexpressive but very introverted people person

P3

Hamuko/Minako/Kotone

big personality!! very people-oriented!! koromaru and her are buddies!! when shes having a real bad time, shes very quiet and expressions turn off

interrupts herself in the middle of conversations all the time. no one knows where shes coming from. her brains is thousands of km ahead of her body

bouncey legs, swingin arms, twirlly skirt, little somersaults! when will she stop? never!

very obvious music stims with her hands and arms! people are like “oh there she goes! happy as usual!” shes listening to minatos heavy metal playlist

switches from exhausted to excited within milliseconds. no one can predict, not even her

SEES has to ask her for context all the time cuz she’ll just continue shit from 2 weeks ago without warning

professionals will assume shes very childish bc of how chipper she is, but she is beyond mature for her age and only feels comfortable enough to have serious conversations if a person has proved themself able to handle it

collects every little thing. her room is a mess and she has to get rid of most of it every time she moves :(

hates cleaning! smells bad, feels bad hhhhhgggg

dont let mitsuru-senpai see her bedroom

gets lost in the middle of conversations with others bc shes thinking about a story connected to one(1) word that was said earlier

 no sense of time and place, she just sees her friends and goes “ah, this is the right place, then” but junpei and akihiko are also lost so now theyre all screwed

Minato/Makoto/Sakuya

no talkies, no walkies

his story in the movies is him literally learning how to function around people he cares for

doesnt get jokes, expressions, body language, empathy, subtlety, metaphors, physical contact, or eye contact. aigis is probably the only person he truly understands right away

he is still nice to people because he doesnt see a reason not to be, but also he has very limited energy so only his senpai and old people get his most polite-kindnesses

cannot describe feelings for the life of him. the team wont know hes injured or sick until hes passed out

everything is too loud, time to drown it out with my loud ass music

rocking and chewing stims, ryoji is the first person to point him out for these subtle stims (not accusingly of course, just general pure curiosity and love for the uniqueness of humanity)

likes to cover his face with whatever is available, lives like a bat in a dark dry cave

will wear anything that has pockets and his blue/gray/black palette

sleepy at all times bc he never has much energy

when he was younger he probably needed a lot of support, especially after his parents died, because he wouldnt communicate like a neurotypical and would shutdown for hours in the middle of school without warning. probably missed a lot of lessons and field trips out of pure overstimulation

eating at all times. no preference, just whatevers closest

his meltdowns probalby include humming whining noises and curling up in a ball, which makes people want to touch him, but that is the LAST thing he wants. put a blanket on him! play some music! do not talk and do not expect him to speak

aigis is the only person who can touch him normally bc her hands are cold and he likes cold

never nude, feels mmmmmmmmm without clothes and probalby wears a full robe in the hotsprings

will not do things that take more than one step w/o someone else walking him thru it, which Same

[moonbelt]

»worth the wait

↳ soulmates au | somewhat bootleg coffeeshop au

pairing » jeon jungkook | reader

genre » soft angst + fluff + sexual themes

word count » 9.280

» on Earth V12 everyone is born with half of their emotions – the other half is safely kept within the soul of their soulmate. however, its been a few wee years and it’s safe to say that you don’t have one. or at least you dont think so. but the universe cant possibly hate you so much as to leave you without your emotions for the rest of your life, or can it?

authors note » yeah yeah, it’s been a while. but soulmate aus are literally the only thing that give me joy and hope about love so.... hope you enjoy it!

The doctor at the local health clinic tells you that there's no use in holding out for a soulmate. Giving up is the best way to ensure less heartbreak, she diagnosed. It’s much better that way.

You've already passed the age criteria to find one, she said. Typically, a year or two after nineteen is the maximum time it takes for you to find the one, she'd told you with a tone of neutral candor. Your doctor probably felt sad – pitiful almost, at that fact. But she was careful to not let it show. That although there was nothing biologically wrong with you, the hard-cold truth remains that you can't feel what she does, what other seven billion people in the world feel — emotions. Or at least a subset of them.

To emote, you believe, is a privilege that not everyone receives. However, history and biology books taught you, just like it did to everyone else on Earth V12, that once you came of age you earn that right. That once the universe believes you've merited it, you get to experience the wild, wide and boisterous range of emotions.

You've read about it. Oh, how much you've read. Huddled and bundled up in thousands of blankets on the window seat in your bedroom back at your family home. Even now in university, in between study breaks and long hours of researching on metaphysics. You read to feel but you don't know exactly what you should be feeling. You read to understand, to know the differences between being sad and being upset. Am I sad that the Universe has decided I'm not worthy of a soulmate? Or am I upset that I believe I need a soulmate to begin with? You don't know. Like a thousand other things that simply just do not make any sense.

They told you not to worry. After all, everyone has a soulmate. It's unfathomable to believe otherwise. That's just the way things are. The way things have always been. The beginning and the end.

You watched, a little wide-eyed, disoriented and mystified as your closest friend and associate, Taehyung, became a different person in the five seconds after he met his soulmate, Eden. It was like a dam had been bust open right before your very eyes. It's a little hard to explain, even now that it's been a couple of years, you'd never quite seen anything like it.

The books say that eons ago gods, back in the time when they walked amongst us, granted wishes. But they also took gifts away. And one day when a fight broke out between two demigod children which resulted in one of them dying, the Sun god came down from his place on high and decided with a few other gods that the human emotions within us — the ones that spark hate and contempt and love and weakness — were to blame. Emotions, the god argued, did not play into reasoning or knowledge. And hence they needed to be earned back. Or at the very least, we needed to recognize their value.

But he couldn't just hoist billions worth of people's emotions into thin air. Instead, what he stripped from one he placed in another. The very essence of soulmates. By splitting the emotions people carry and making them search for The One with their other half, the god decreed that he had made the most beautiful creation. The Sun god ruled this as a magnificent feat, tooting his own horn about his generosity to break humans apart.

To take something apart and then put it back together again, just as you found it — perfect in all its nature, is something you long for. Something you yearn to understand. How is it possible to place jagged pieces back together and get something so phenomenal in return? To get something whole?

To experience Love the way the novels and books you devour describe it. To feel that Sadness that can cause people to cry rivers. You want to know this whole other world that everyone seems to get but you. You have Apathy — loads of it. You understand what it's like to be Disinterested; very much so. Frightened and Scared, you know. However, Hope and Serenity, you do not.

It's a struggle because it makes you insensitive. You simply can't understand what others are going through if you've never had an inkling to what they feel. And you have no idea what to say to comfort them because everything you say comes out wrong, everything you try to emote comes out forced and makes you feel like a bad liar.

"I just don't get why anyone would do that, you know?" Taehyung sighs loudly and over-dramatically before he takes a sip of his macchiato. "Like I hate when people take my stuff without asking. It makes me absolutely livid."

Eden nods in agreement. "It's the principle of the thing."

"Exactly!" Taehyung cries out in joy of being understood. Of being related to. "I swear I can't wait to move out and get a place with you. Everyone in that frat drives me up the fucking wall."

An odd third-wheel is what you feel like. So out of place next to your friends that you've known for years. You don't quite get why Taehyung is so mad at his frat brothers for borrowing his stuff, typically if he told them not to, they wouldn't. That's just how communication works. But nah, Taehyung is livid. And Eden agrees. He’s been livid before too.

"You could always tell your roommate to not touch your stuff," you say, interrupting Eden and Taehyung as they throw around other instances when people took their shit without asking. "I would do that."

Taehyung rolls his eyes, not in a condescending way like the other people in your university, but it still very much rubs your spine the wrong way. "The thing is; I have told him. Repeatedly. He’s got like, I don’t know, cement filled in his ears or something. He never listens."

Every soulmate pair is different in their mannerisms and the way they flow into each other. For Taehyung and Eden, it's like they complement each other and always have to add on to what the other says. Like a sign that they are there, and they've got their back. You guess it's adorable, in the same way little cats pawing at your ankles is adorable.

"It's like common decency," Eden tries to explain, his mop of ashy-white hair haunting over his eyes. "People generally just don't like other people touching their shit without permission."

And see, this is where your problem lies. You understand the principle of the act; you understand why someone would get theoretically mad at it. It's an inconvenience at best and rude at worst. But is it worth getting absolutely angry over? You're not sure. You're not even sure how someone can get angry with it. That's the big distinction between the people with soulmates and the people without.

Taehyung looks at you with pity swimming in his light brown irises and smiles. But it's without humor, without the type of light he reserves for Eden, without feeling. "Oh, you just don't understand."

There was a time when you understood your friend and he understood you. There was a time that both of you scoffed at the imperfections of the soulmate enigmatic system. And for a moment it leaves you in a state of disarray with how far he has evolved from you. How different the two of you have become.

You spend the rest of the hour focused on your hot chocolate and reading your Mythology and Folklores That Absolutely, Factually, Most-Definitely Happened book. You leave Eden and Taehyung to discuss whatever it is they discuss about. You so clearly can't simply understand what they go through, it makes no sense to dawdle in their conversations then.

It's the last week before the university closes for winter break but the snow has been piling up for months now. Hanging out at cafes felt like a good idea at the time, what's not to like about baked goods and the smell of heady caffeine? But now you wish you'd never come at all. Or at the very least, that you'd come alone.

So, when Taehyung and Eden start packing up – they have work to get to – you don't budge. You look them in the eye and tell them that spending a few more hours in the cafe sounds like something you're craving. It's been a while since you left your apartment for something other than school and volunteering.

Taehyung scrunches his nose and pouts his lips. "You're coming out to the party tonight though, right? It's the last one before break and it's time you had some fun. Today is your birthday, after all. Maybe you'll find—"

Before he can finish that sentence, you force a grin onto your face and a pep into your voice to try and drag him off that course. You're desperately tired of remembering your own birthday. Nothing good ever comes out of it. And you doubt the ripe old age of twenty-one would do anything different. "Don't worry, I'll be there. Your fraternity is the one hosting, yes?"

He nods his head as he slings his messenger bag across his shoulder. "Yeah. Don't be late, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. I'll see you guys then." You long for them to go already and leave you to your lonesome. You have a very interesting book to get back to. "Bye Eden, have fun in the studio." You wave them off on their way out and hope to the gods that they do not drag this outing any longer.

Once they are gone and the chatter around you falls into a nice subliminal background noise, you peel open the pages of the myth and folklore book and begin to read again.

Ah, yes, the Sun god. The creator of soulmates and the one that cursed all humanity. You wonder now if the god regrets his decision. What about the people like you? The ones that seemingly never find that other half. Are you just supposed to swagger through life with one leg oddly bent? Did the god merely not give a flying crow-shit? How come it was so easy for Eden and Taehyung to find each other whereas it's become exponentially hard for you? Are you not worthy of your own emotions? Are you not worthy to experience that all-encompassing love? Is it simply just an haute club that you could never even dream of barging into?

You sigh and lean back in your chair. The book gives you more questions than it does answers. In fact, it barely gives you any solutions. All it does is relay what happened ages upon ages ago in hopes you will understand. But you don't. These days it feels like you don't understand a thing.

You were meant to have found your half exactly three years ago and nothing of that sort has even thought of happening. Sometimes you feel little bursts, like your half was feeling so much intense emotions that it filtered through the cracks into your side. But nothing to write home about. It leaves you with a lingering sense of hoping for something… more.

Maybe it's because you're not paying attention — after all, you're too busy lamenting on your disproportionate life — that you don't notice the chime of the bell as the café door is pulled open. You don't notice the swells of oohs and ahhs that erupt from the shops teenage companions like they've witnessed the second coming of a god, or better yet some YouStreamer.

You do not notice the slow, creeping feeling of madness that is seeping into your bones. No, you could never notice that when it feels one and a part of you. You don't notice anything really, not until a voice above you lets out a sound of admiration and awe all laced into one exhale.

"Oh," the voice says. "That's a good book."

Your body isn't made to be twisted around but you do it anyway. Testing the limits of how far it will go. And when you crash into deep, soulful brown eyes that look to you like they hold all of the world's greatest mysteries, you freeze. And even though you know time is a theoretical construct and there's no way to actually stop the passing of it, you believe that in this tiny secluded café, time with all its boundaries, halts.

Academically, you know this isn't true. The world still turns, and as much as you wish it, it does not revolve around you. The snow still falls softly to the ground outside, the graceful music pumping through the coffeeshop's stereo is still playing. Nothing truly stops, but something inside of you does.

It takes all you can give to break forth from the haze cast upon you to speak. Speak, dammit! But you're in awe, mesmerized by a sight you've never sensed so well before. You've met countless people, some conventionally attractive, others more idiosyncratically beautiful but none have made you feel like this.

Taehyung describes attraction as something that is either there or it is not. The books describe attraction as a feeling that can make you desire somebody. You've never felt attraction, not like this. You've felt the vague need to be intimate with another but never like this. Like you crave something – someone – you don’t even know.

The person is tall with hard, crystal cut angles and visible confidence. It's with the way he holds himself like he knows his place in the world. Like he never has to question it. It draws you in. Makes you examine him thoroughly from the tip of his fluffy black hair to the heel of his patent leather boots.

He cocks an eyebrow and for a shy of a second, you are highly embarrassed by the fact that you've spent gods-knows how many moments just ogling him. You never ogle. You've quite literally never ogled in your life… until now that is.

You clear your throat and attempt to come off as blasé. Which is hard considering the awkward positioning of your body and the rigorous pounding of your heart in its cage. "It's not a good book. It's a great one. Probably why I read it so much."

"Debating the existence of the old gods, are we?" His voice is laced intrinsically with mirth and amusement.

"More like debating the existence of my life, really."

He chuckles, a sound that fills all the jagged crevices of your soul and body. He moves and you do the same, shifting from your oddly angled position to look at him better. You don't really know how to explain it, this feeling coursing through your veins. Like you know everything there is to know about him, even though you clearly have never met him before.

You clear your throat and will your mind to stop. This is honestly atrocious, outrageous and, frankly disconcerting. It feels like some random spaz has possessed your body and is making you mewl and purr like some damn cat on the street.

"I'm Jungkook, by the way," he finally says when you find the courage to look back up at him. You respond with your name, pronouncing the syllables clear enough so that he doesn't mess it up. But he gets it. And then he tries the name aloud, twisting it around on his tongue. "It is a good day to question our existence, isn't it, __?"

You smile up at him, a different smile from the one you gave Taehyung and Eden earlier. This one comes easily, and it tilts the corners of your lips without feeling faux and fraud-like. You don't even have to try.

"Depends," you say. "Do you consider a cold as shit day in the middle of Winter to be a good day?"

The tips of his lips upturn into an uncanny lopsided grin. One that feels like he's withholding more than he lets on. "A little."

The line in front of him moves and you find yourself watching the way his body propels forward almost gracefully to order a hot chocolate with extra whipped cream and extra salted caramel drizzle. It's then that you turn your head back to your table and busy yourself with fiddling with your fingers.

You feel something nudging your chest as if begging you to listen for a hiss in the wind – of a window or door being carefully opened. But you push that away. You have no idea what it means. And now, you're too busy focused with reeling your cheeks back to a substandard level of hot. You're not sure why basic communication with this dude has you channeling the same emotes as one of the schoolgirl children in the movies you watched when you were younger. You're an adult for seven heaven's sake. You are better than this!

Your cheeks and your ears do not agree. Instead, they inflame themselves hotter than ever. What is it about Jungkook that has you willing to sell a piece of your soul just to talk to him? You've never felt like this. Like nothing you say could surprise him, mind the fact that you just met him.

This time you are aware when he strides over to the seat that had Taehyung had previously occupied. You look up at him, into those deep russet eyes that hold flecks of something so beautiful and then you feel it. The magnetic pull of someone enigmatic. Someone that holds simply more. Maybe not for others, but to you.

His backpack loosens around his shoulders and his veiny hands clutch the Styrofoam cup with an ardent need as he speaks. "Would you mind if I sit here?"

Normally you would be repulsed by the question. What would ever possess someone that you don't know to act so familiar? But you don’t think as you motion for him to take it. After all, it wouldn’t feel right to just send him away. There’s a thin thread tangling and stretching between the two of you and you would be damned if you cut it on your own accord.

Jungkook finds himself lowering his body nimbly into the chair in front of you. And then you find yourself discussing more with Jungkook than you’ve spoken with anyone else in years. It feels relaxing — freeing. But also like a cruel joke from the Sun god. Here’s someone that makes you feel somewhat whole but there’s no indication that the two of you are even meant to be. How sad.

He talks as if his mind has no filters; effortlessly switching between topics. Do you play any sports? Piano is about as rigorous an exercise as you can handle and Jungkook laughs as he tells you that he’s Vice-Captain of the Baseball team, although now they’re not participating in any tournaments. The air in your lungs turns frigid when you ask if he attends the same university as you and then the air is goddamn stolen from your lungs when he responds with a yes.

“No way,” you cry. “I would have seen you on campus.”

Jungkook sends you a lazy grin. “You would’ve but I doubt you take your head out of your books often.”

You concede. “Okay… maybe a little. But still, isn’t our school defending champions or something? I’m pretty sure I’ve heard of the team doing well before, just not you in particular.”

“Ah, I get it. I’m not popular enough.” He jokes. “Perhaps I need to print out a flyer of my face and paste it around school?”

“That’d be fun. There’s no way I’d miss you then.”

He laughs, a loud sound that expands the more seconds pass. He laughs as though you’re the funniest person in the room, which you doubt. But you laugh along too.

“So, what do you do for fun?” Jungkook asks.

“Other than the obvious reading and playing the piano?” You tilt your head to the side and scratch the nape of your neck before you continue on. “Well, I’m studying Metaphysics and researching the fundamentals of soulmates. Why some find theirs and why others don’t.”

“That’s fun?”

You shrug, a small smile playing on your lips, but you refuse to apologize for your interests. “To me. I guess it just helps me understand.”

Jungkook seems to soak in your answer, his eyes drifting from your eyes to the top of your head, down to your gray turtleneck and glitzy star-shaped earrings. And you take your time to truly examine his face. How perfectly in line his nose is with the rest of his bone structure. How perfectly his jaw and cheekbones accentuate his physical beauty. And how for some reason he reminds you of what you believe the children of gods looked back when demigods were a thing. His face makes you think regal and heavenly all at once.

“What’s your theory?” Jungkook finally breaks you out of your ogle match.

“My what?”

“Theory,” he repeats. “On why some find their other half and others don’t.”

You bite your lip. Not sure if what you say might offend him. There’s no sign that he has found his soulmate or not and you don’t want to be increasingly insensitive. You do not want to hear another ‘Oh, you just don’t understand.’ Especially not out of his lips. You reckon you won’t be able to bear it. At least not today.

“It’s simple, I guess. It all boils down to has the person merited it? Earned it? The Sun god split us apart because he believed we needed to find the value in our feelings. I guess the ones without soulmates simply haven’t attained that understanding yet.”

Jungkook frowns and your heart thrusts itself into a deep panic. See, now you’ve gone and done it. This is why you hate talking, hate speaking. You ruin people’s moods (much like you do your own) without a second thought and honestly, now that you think about it. This must be why you have yet to find your one. You barely understand the emotions you do have; how can you possibly comprehend others?

After a minute or maybe three, Jungkook takes a big sip out of his drink before he focuses his attention back on you and you feel yourself burning. A light excavating through the muggy mess that is your mind.

“Have you merited it? The other half of your feelings, I mean.”

Is he asking you if you’ve found your soulmate?

“No. Not yet.”

“Oh.” Is all he says but you hear the unsaid meanings. “Personally, I think the god did something terrible by rupturing us apart. What good has it really done anyone?”

You don’t answer. Not only because you don’t have a good response but also because the topic of soulmates has you on edge already. Someone like Jungkook obviously has all his emotions and has found his half, you think. You doubt the two of you are even on the same wavelength on the matter. So, instead of answering you change the direction of the conversation to him and his collegiate baseball career.

And everything after that clusters into a ball of yeses. When he asks you for your number, when he asks you if you’ve heard of Beta Tau Sigma, and subsequently when he invites you to Beta Tau Sigma’s end of the year party later today even though you already promised Taehyung you’d be there.

Suddenly, you wonder if Jungkook and Taehyung are friends, you guess they should be since they are frat brothers, but he never mentioned his name before. So now you wonder if Taehyung has separate friendship circles for those with and without soulmates. You don’t get mad or angry at the thought. But your mood dampens anyway.

“Wanna know what I think?” Jungkook speaks up just as the two of you are packing your stuff from the table. He doesn’t wait for you to say yes; he presses on almost immediately. “There’s no time limit on soulmates. And to believe so is to believe there’s a time limit on life itself. Our whole lives we’ve been told that the old gods exist and that the old gods did this and that and blah, blah, blah. But then they tell us that if we don’t find our other half by eighteen, better yet seventeen, there’s something wrong with us?”

Jungkook laughs but there’s not a shred of sparkle in it. “Us… the people born out of the happenings of gods? Okay, riddle me this. If we are so clinically incapable of finding our soulmates, then why do we long for them anyways? Why would there be pieces of my very soul that feel so incomplete?”

You’re dumbstruck by him. And again, you feel the little tilt in the wind that sounds to your ears like someone is knocking on a door that you can't see. But this time even though you do not have an answer for him, you force yourself to spit something out.

“If I were to find my soulmate this very second, I’d believe you.”

He smiles down at you, the one where his eyes fold into deep crescent moons and again you think that he’s holding out on you. Holding onto a secret that only he knows. “Won't that be amazing.”

The day goes by without you paying attention to much else. You meet with your philosophy professor on the advancement of your thesis paper even though you have no idea what you want to base the paper on. Almost every relation between soulmates and reality has been explored and at times you find that your professor and you clash on too many issues. You grunt through the meeting, walking on thousands of eggshells before you finally head back to your apartment but once you put your feet up on the couch, you get a text from Taehyung.

TAE » Remember, you promised!!

You » ...

TAE » Don't tell me you've forgotten Beta Tau's party slash your birthday bash? You promised!!! People might start thinking I made you up L

Although you know deep in the deepest crevice of your heart that Taehyung doesn’t mean anything harmful by his statement, it makes you squeamish.

You » What's that supposed to mean? Now I'm the token soulmate-less? Bragging about all my deficiencies to your fraternity brothers that I've never met? Be my guest.

TAE » Oh fuck. You know that's not what I meant __. I'd never do that. I didn't mean for it to come off that way.

But it did.

And you’re not sure where this surge of despondency is coming from. Almost like a switch in your psyche has been flipped. Some part of you acknowledges that earlier today, you would not have read that message as anything but harmless. But the situation has changed. It’s like your body is thrumming with unshed resentment. Resentment at who? You don’t know but Taehyung seems to be on the receiving end of it.

It’s this feeling of deep antipathy that propels you into getting dressed for the damn party. Not the fact that it is your birthday, not the fact that there is a slight possibility of finding your soulmate at the wretched place. No. You get dressed because there would be free booze and people stupid enough to pick a fight with you in your current state. Well, maybe not a real fight. But there’s a thrumming in your veins and you don’t know how to curb it. You’ve never felt anything akin to it before. Oh, and maybe the small huge chance that you’ll see Jungkook again.

By the time you get to the Beta Tau Sigma house lined up on Greek Row you are quite literally ready to burst at the seams. The weather is cold as fucking shit and although it stopped lightly snowing, the breeze has you tightening your hold on your navy jacket. What is up with everyone today and being a major dick to you? First, it was your professor, and then it was your neighbor that stopped you on your way out of your apartment to pity the fact that you hadn’t found someone on your twenty-first birthday.

Fuck off, you almost screamed at her. Leave me the fuck alone and go shag your boyfriend in the back of his termite-ridden Honda!

But you’d smiled through it, bearing the stinging of your cheeks as you stretched them past your limit and fisted your palms so hard that you created crescent shapes into your flesh.

And gods, you’re tired of smiling through it. Tired of being told that you’re not allowed to feel anything other than your predisposed emotes. Exhausted with having to always be passive. Nothing is supposed to hurt you. At least not emotionally. But you feel a swelling in your chest like your heart is about ten beats away from finally asphyxiating itself.

You push through the frat house and find Taehyung almost immediately. And you watch with a hint of simmering hatred as he cracks joke after joke and his brothers and friends laugh and you feel more and more isolated between their world and yours. And then the hatred comes to a boiling point when you catch two lovebirds giggling and making out on the sofa next your foot.

You blink and blink and blink again. Coming here was a bad idea. To be surrounded so much by the one thing you desperately want but can't have. The irritation and animosity that’s been brewing within you transforms into something more solemn. Dimming itself down to a feeling of major disappointment. At yourself, at the world, at the cursed Sun god.

The second you're about to pivot the fuck out of there, a pair of eyes to the side of the room fixes on you and you are stunned into a halt.

His eyes say a thousand things at once and you hear it deep in your soul. His eyes rake over your entire body as if looking for the source of your imminent distress but when he comes up short, his pretty lips squeeze together and form words that you suddenly want to be etched onto your very being.

“You okay?”

No one – and you mean this without irony – has ever asked you that in all seriousness. Not your parents, not your friends, and certainly not you. Your parents try, you guess, they know how hard it is to not have a soulmate, but they found each other early and never had to question themselves. Never had to question the essence of their souls.

And that’s when you feel it; a quiver in your lips. You open your mouth in an attempt to say something – anything – but nothing comes out and you close it, only to repeat the motion with no improvement.

Jungkook crosses the room in long strides and before you know it, he is everywhere around you. All black. Black tee-shirt, black cargo pants, black sneakers. You didn’t realize how big he was before but now that you have, you can un-see it. Lean and lithe but strong and sturdy. A walking contradiction. Especially with the light shining from his eyes.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” He asks as he puts his hands on your shoulders and centers you.

You hate, absolutely despise, how watery your voice sounds when you say “Nothing. This party is just so lame that I’m feeling a little off.”

The both of you know how bad your lie is but for some reason, he rolls with it. “Yeah? I was thinking the same thing actually. This has to be the worst thing Tae has ever put on and to think he said it’s supposed to be a birthday party. I could do much better.”

And now you feel utterly terrible. You’d been so ready to rip Taehyung a new one, assumed his prejudice against you for what? Awful. You’re so awful as a person that of course, you haven’t earned the right to find the other half of your emotions. Of-fucking-course.

You’ve never felt so out of your own body before. Who is this impostor that has possessed you and when can you get your body and appropriate feelings back? You need it back before you completely annihilate all your relationships.

“I’m sorry. I don’t usually act like this.”

“Why are you sorry?” He seems genuinely confused.

“I… You probably wanted to have fun with your brothers and all. And here I am just – “

Jungkook squeezes your shoulders hard which forces you to raise your attention from staring at your shoes to gazing at his face. It’s a much-needed distraction from the wobble in your voice and the feeling of cotton in your throat.

“You need some fresh air?” He poses his statement as a question, but you don’t really have a choice in the matter anyway because he slides his warm fingers into yours and although you feel a momentous spark, you let him drag you through the house.

Taehyung notices you then and begins to rush towards you. Perhaps he’s glad that you still came out tonight even though you had a fight with him earlier. Perhaps he’s relieved that you don’t utterly hate him. But you attempt to give him a watery smile that is both apologetic and reassuring, but his eyes fly down to you and Jungkook’s conjoined hands and he pauses.

And it’s not the smile he usually gives you. No. This one closely resembles the ones he reserves for Eden. Like maybe you’ve found your sanctuary. Maybe you’ve come to finally understand.

You scoff at the thought just as Jungkook snatches two Margarita cans from a cooler and pulls you up the stairs and through a hallway that leads to a balcony. When you're outside, he motions for you to take a seat on one of few white benches. Without saying a word, he passes a can to you. You clasp the cold drink between your fingers and revel in the iciness sipping through your flesh.

You've never experienced this feeling of tranquility meshed with a creeping sense of foolhardiness with another person in your life. And you're struggling with how to process it.

“Wanna talk about it?” Jungkook finally breaks the silence, sitting right beside you. The warmth emanating from his body warms you down to your toes and you revel in it.

No. Yes. Fuck. “I don’t know. I’m just being stupid, and it doesn’t matter anyway.”

“I know you're not stupid and it does matter. It matters a lot.”

Great, you think. One more person in the grand universe that you're destined to disappoint. You sigh and stare out at the starless sky. You always hold your feelings in check and rigorously work to not let the few emotions you do have to get the best of you. To not cloud your judgment. But during the course of this whole day, you’ve felt like you're on a ledge. On the precipice between falling and drowning. Like your mind is waging a war against itself.

You are not a crybaby. But even as you think this, you feel wetness at your eyeballs and a stinging in your cheeks, and you blink and blink to try and push it away. But it feels like your body is burning with never before experienced sensations and it scares you. You open your mouth and the choking feeling from before returns, it muddles everything else and you panic. You refuse to cry in front of Jungkook. Not now when you feel so downright weak.

“P-pieces of my –” Against your will your voice cracks. “Pieces of my very soul are so incomplete.”

The corners of your eyes fill up more with tears that you desperately do not want to shed. And it takes everything in you to not raise your hand to swipe the madness away.

Stop! Stop, goddammit! Stop this very instant! You’re above this. Better than this. You didn’t cry when the doctor told you that there was nothing biologically wrong with you, you didn’t cry when your group friends slowly diminished as they found oneness with their partners and others more attuned to them. You didn't cry then, so why are you on the verge of it now of all times and days?

And even though you're trying your damn hardest to not have a full-on breakdown, you feel your body heave and then sniffle. Gods this is so embarrassing. You turn your face away from the sky and instead focus it on the cold can in between your fingers.

You pushed away your feelings until they were stuffed in the darkest parts of your mind and now it seems, they are breaking out without a care in the world about the consequences.

“Remember I told you that my theory has to do with some of us earning the privilege of someone else? I haven't earned it. Heck, I haven't earned anything. I'm passive. I try not to be but investing myself into others has never worked in my favor. All the emotions I do have feel so negative that when I'm around people I can't help but not connect. Because I don't understand half of what they are saying or feeling, and I hate it. I hate it so much.”

You're a piece of work, __, your ex-partners had said. You've dated around before; scavenging for love in uncanny, dim places with people destined to be with others until they finally realized that you were not theirs.

Because everyone eventually did. Realize the oddity of not being empathic. There's something defective about you. You can't seem to find anyone willing to be around you for two weeks talk less of forever. But everyone you'd been with magically happened to find theirs. The stars seem to gravitate away from you like you exude such a power that is so repulsive.

And it hurts. It hurts so fucking much. Like hot coal sliding down your spine and marring flesh. But you can't stop your mouth from speaking, the words tearing the edges of your lips with each choked up sound you exhale. "A part of me doesn't care if I don't have a soulmate, I mean, my life shouldn't be dictated by whether or not I have someone tied to my arm. But the other half of me desperately wants it. I get this ridiculous chasm of sadness when I think about every emotion that I can't experience because I'm not worth it. I've never been worth it."

Your throat is burning. Your eyes are burning. Every part of your body is aching madly but Jungkook doesn't say a thing. Your chest begins the act of carving in on itself and if you didn't know any better you would reckon that your heart is cracking into two halves.

Gods, this is pathetic. You feel so pathetic. All your life you've never felt like the world had conspired against you until this very moment. Like the Sun god had taken a special hatred on you and dumped all these folds of resentment into your soul. You wanted to claw it out.

And for some reason you will never understand, you keep going. As if the cracking of your voice and the upheaval of your shoulders wasn't enough, actual tears started to slip and slide down your cheeks.

“Why the fuck does our society bank on soulmates anyways? What's so great about them that everyone acts like if you don't have one you've been done a great disservice? Why me?" A whole bunch of unfiltered anger bursts inside you and propels you from the bench and a graver sniff infiltrates your voice. "Seven billion people on Earth V12 and you would think that I would be able to find someone in this mess of a world but no. I've wasted twenty-one years of my life without knowing anything. Without feeling anything. I can't do it anymore. I don't want to do it anymore. I want to feel something. Anything. I'm tired of being like –”

Oh, seven hells, you feel like you are dying. Decomposing to dust on the balcony of a fraternity house in the middle of winter in your favorite jeans and so-so high-tops.

It feels like every section of your body is withering away. Rotting. Falling apart and there's nothing you can do to stop the trajectory. Tears pool beneath your chin before they cascade into the neck of your shirt. Your lips quiver so badly you're afraid they might never be the same. If this is what sorrow feels like you hope you never experience it again. It makes you feel gutted.

Your vision becomes so blurry that you can barely make out the dark sky in front of you. Can barely even think. And try as you might, the tears just keep rolling.

You’re not sure of when Jungkook stands up but you feel him wrap his arms around you – tentatively, all-encompassing and fully, and rest his chin on the side of your head. He doesn’t say a word, and maybe it’s because he doesn’t need to. You feel him. The budge on the window sill that leads to your soul. You feel him there. But you want him to let go. There are certain things you acutely feel like you do not deserve, and he is one of them.

“Let me go,” your voice sounds like two trains grinding against each other and it makes you pull away from his embrace. But Jungkook’s arms stretch around your torso.

“No.” Is the soft reply that weighs on your ears. His body is warmer than you want it to be because it's making you feel at home.

“I –”

“It’s okay. You can let it out.” In some kind of way, he feels even closer than before. Like he's impressing himself into your lungs. Like he's giving you the very air that you so desperately need to breathe. Like he's forcing you to bloom and he doesn't care if he has to be the one that solely weeds away at all the nonsensicalities in your chest to make sure it happens.

And maybe some part of him just knows that a part of you is desperate to run away from the unknown because he hugs you harder, tighter, and firmer. So much so that now you can't breathe for different reasons. You don’t know what to do so you let him.

“You don’t need to prove your worth to anyone. Not me, not the gods… no one. And –” You make a move to interrupt him but Jungkook cuts himself off. “Do you feel it?” He asks with his torso pressed against yours and your heart syncing along with his.

“Feel what?” You croak out.

“I can't explain it, that’s why I need you to feel it. It’s every around us you have to, I don’t know, listen.”

You don’t want to, but you do it. You squeeze your eyes shut and wrap your fingers around the Jungkook’s shirt and wait. You wait for the madness in your mind to calm down. You wait for the apprehension in your heart to subside. But nothing happens and you feel worse than before.

“Jungkook,” you start.

“Don’t.” You swear you hear a slight tear in his voice. “Just listen.”

Listen, he says, but what are you even listening for? Here you are, miserable than ever and being told to listen. To the universe? Or listen for that goddamn hiss in the wind again? But all you hear is the sniffles that your chest is releasing and the slight exhale of Jungkook’s hot breath against your cheek. And you don’t know how to explain it. But it is then when you are doubtful and least expect to hear – talk less of feeling anything, that you identify it.

And it’s a beautiful thing. Like two halves of a comet melding into each other to crest a dynamic explosion into your very being. Something that lifts the burden weighing down on your heart and helps you to finally breathe. Breathing in through your nose feels better. Feels easier.

The thread you’d felt before in your mind that had been so tangled and messed up that you could barely discern what it was suddenly fizzled, expanded and stretched out and when you feel for the force at the other end of the cord and come in contact with an aura that reminds you so much of the person in front of you, you are shocked. Better yet, surprised.

You don’t know to explain it. Heck, you’ve never experienced such a colorful array of emotions in your life that for a minute or maybe three, it leaves you dazed and disoriented. It feels like your body is in a vacuum and is receiving dangerous sensations at the speed of light.

It’s burning. Oh, how it's burning. It’s burning through every fiber of your existence but unlike before, this burn doesn’t make you want to choke up and die. Instead, it revitalizes you.

“Do you feel it?” Jungkook asks again.

This time you have an answer that you don’t have to scour for.

“I feel it. I feel it so much. I feel it everywhere. I –” you don’t know whether to cry even harder or laugh at the oddity of the situation and that leaves you in an awkward limbo of both. “Oh, gods. It’s you.”

All the haphazard sensations you’ve been feeling all day. The anger – no lividness –at your neighbor, the overwhelming sadness, the uncharted pettiness at Taehyung with a bare minimum reason to be. It all finally starts to make sense. Everything – or at least, all of that – happened after you’d met him. After you’d been exposed to someone akin to a livewire.

This is nothing like the books said. You’d gone your whole life thinking, believing, that when you met your other half, you’d instantaneously know. Like the skies would crack open and some kind of bell would resound. Now you realize how ridiculously absurd that would be, but it had made sense at the time.

Words lose their meaning in an effort to explain what you feel. Your body is being put back together again. Pieces that you hadn’t realized were even missing suddenly fit into each other. You welcome the tingling in your veins and instead of ignoring the sparks igniting beneath your bones, you embrace it. And oh, it is magnificent.

In this loud, beer-infested fraternity house with slovenly college students pushing against each other downstairs and on the day you turn a striking twenty-one, you find someone that the history and biology and mythology books could have never predicted.

Jungkook’s voice is much softer than before. Is that possible? But it is. And he holds you tighter, holding you like you’re unbreakable.

“To me, you're the moon, the sun – the whole fucking galaxy. I’ve always known you existed, and I’ve waited to find you for a long time. I carried your half with me for so long, how could I not? In the depths of my mind and when I really concentrated about it, I could feel you. Somewhere close but sometimes distant. I held out for you… always. So, you’ll forever be worth it. And you don’t need to earn me, you already have me. You’ve always had me.”

The stain of his words etches itself onto your soul and becomes a part and parcel of you. They quiet the chatter of your heart and bring subliminal teardrops to the crooks of your eyes but this time you don’t mind it. How could you ever mind it?

“So, you’ve always known then?” You don’t sniffle or sob and your voice doesn’t pathetically crack. Instead, you maneuver your face away from his chest so you can see his eyes. In the process, your bodies disentangle and you miss his warmth but this is really happening. And you’re desperate.

He smiles. It's blinding in its glory and it blitzes straight into your core. “Always. It's destiny; you and me.”

You and him. Him and you. You like the sound of that.

“Even though we had to wait for so long.”

Jungkook rolls his eyes like he’s tired of you thinking about time as some enormous continuum rather than the now. “We have the rest of our lives to be together. I don’t think knowing you a bit earlier would change that. It is what it is. And even if I had to wait five years, fuck, even ten. I wouldn’t give up. Not on you, __. Not on my other half.” He spits the last words out so vehemently you don’t have the audacity to doubt it. “What we have is more sacred than anything in the world. I’d be stupid to let that go without trying.”

“You’re not stupid.”

“And you’re not unloved by anyone in this world so stop thinking that.”

“I was not –”

He sends you an exasperated look, one that you immediately identify because the bond the two of you have defies all logic. One that says that he knows you. He knows that the tears that sprung to your eyes earlier were not simply because you were overwhelmed by everything in the universe but also because you felt like you had lucked out of the love train. Watching your friends find havens with their other halves and seeing that couple giggle on the couch like it was the end of high school all over again, it made you feel desolate. And Jungkook felt that. Somehow in some way, he knew.

“I love you. I’ve only met you and I know that much. So, what about your friends? Your family? They love you too albeit in different ways than what I'm feeling. But no matter how much the Sun god split us apart, I, you – we – have always known that we were made for each other. So, yes. I love you.”

You’re pretty sure your mind all but blows up into a tiny clusterfuck of a mass because you can’t even hear what Jungkook says next. You’re hyper fixated on what he had just said. He loves you? How does he even know that? What was this? Had your brain and ears finally imploded on themselves? Was this alternate reality?

“Do you need me to repeat it?”

What? Huh? What?

“I don’t know what to call it. Maybe love at first sight?” He carries on like you’re not having a self-induced heart attack right before his eyes. “Never believed in that before but then I saw you and gods, you’re the most beautiful person I've ever seen in my life. I sure hope when you saw me it was the same because I have no idea how to describe what you do to me.”

But you understand what he’s saying because you did feel it. You felt so much when you first looked at him and you still feel it now.

“Like everything suddenly made sense. The whole craze about finding soulmates finally made fucking sense. I finally understood.”

You blink and blink so fast that you fear your eyelids might not keep up with the action. You never thought your other half would be a huge, spectacular talker and that they would know just how to steal the breath from your lungs away. But Jungkook knows. You're finding a lot of new things this night and one of them is that Jungkook is a hopeful romantic. It almost makes your body bring on another set of waterworks.

“I love you.” He says the soul-breaking words again. “And I already know that love is malleable but what I feel in my bones is for forever.”

In your bones, transformed out of what had laid dormant you felt Love. All around you love. Like you could mess up, you could do the oddest thing in the universe and the love would still be there. You want to shout it out. For the first time in your little life, you feel love and you want it always. And you want to give it always.

And you don’t know how you know but you know that he’s about to kiss you. Oh, gods. He’s about to kiss you right after –

“I love you too.” You hurl out fast enough and it slows down Jungkook’s advancement towards you. “And I have no idea what I'm doing but I'll do it with you. I don’t trust just anyone but what we have is bigger than trust. Like you said, it’s life itself.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I would wait forever for you too.”

“I know,” he says and you don’t run away when he steps closer to your body. And his fingers reach for a set of yours. You raise your free hand to his chest and feel the rapid, erratic beating of his heart in its cage.

“And I've never done this before. But I'll do my best I –”

“We don’t graded,” he cuts you off with a laugh. “And I know.”

He knows.

His free hand cups your cheek and you almost hyperventilate. Almost. But you’d rather die than miss this. So, you take deep, long breaths that inflate your system with the mix of sandalwood, earth, and hope. And then his lips press onto yours and give you a happy death. His lips crush yours with a force reserved for rocks and specks of dust breaking away from comets. His kiss wakes you up. And you love it.

Before you can even push further, his lips move to the side of your cheek, barely-there before it cascades to the other. And then his mouth is on your brow bone, a light presence that feels heavenly beautiful and nerve-wracking all at once before his lips rest on the middle of your forehead.

Jungkook’s lips came back to yours and kissed one corner of your mouth and then the other. Oh, seven hells, you can’t think. You don’t want to either. Instead, you open your mouth and kiss him back with more fervor. You lithely raise on your toes and kiss the apples of his cheeks, his temples, his brow bones, beneath his lips and right on his chin. Gods, it feels like you kiss him everywhere.

The hand on his chest feels how frenzied his heart is pounding and it makes you smile because you’re sure your heart is doing the same. You close your eyes and wrap your arms around his neck. You don’t need to say anything in this moment because what needs to be said is all around you and under your skin. He reached forward and kissed you again. This time harder, and more frivolous and you gave and gave and took and took. And when the two of you finally break apart for air, you feel a tingle of cosmic goodness down your limbs.

Fuck.

He grins, actually no, he does more than that. He momentarily lights up like a firetruck and pulls you impossibly closer. And you think he has the most beautiful smile in the universe. You want to keep that on his face forever.

“You’re worth it,” you tell him, breathless.

“Worth what?” He asks smugly, his smile turning cocky as he acts like he doesn’t know.

You roll your eyes, your shoulders shaking as you laugh. A genuine one that warms your belly. “Worth the wait.”

a/n » hooo my god, this is the first thing i’ve written in about a year? and it feels so good to write and even better to pour my soul into this soulmate au. i really hope y’all loved it!! and please do tell me what you think! 

⇢ masterlist

©️ 2019 kai, moonbelt [aka high-on-food]

[rootiebaga]

nobody asked, i know, but heres my departments thus far! (with nicknames, of course)

note! i do use mods, one of them being the ultimate fashion corp mod from reddit, a mod that lets you keep your employees after you reset a run, and some other useful ones

also its under the cut because uh- long

control team! (aka the OGS! (because control team is the first department people unlock when starting a run))

morty (former employee)

-may the brave fool rest, gone, but not forgotten.

rootieee (captain)

-its, its my self insert what do i have to sa

paul

-the most boring in the facility (and the most sane one in the department,)

-just wants to do his job correctly.

-not much to say about him, really

maxim (morty’s replacement after he died, rest in piece morty, you were a brave hero, yet a little dumb after trying to fight a green dawn in the early runs i had)

-morty’s big bro, a little sad that morty died but he didn’t know all that much in the facility,

-takes his job too seriously

-usually chills in the main room alot,

shao

-an absolutely innocent baby, even if they some horrifying abnormalities, they would still think of them as cute

-just, likes being here, many friends for them!

-they also like hugs!

igoree (rip)

-the sleepy employee has come back! wowie

-still sleepy and also hungry,

-the one who doesn’t work all that much

-..”how did she.. die? did she just want to? what in the world happened there? is it because of that behaviour adjustment thing?”

“just forget about it and keep working,”

“but, paul im curious-”

“quiet.”

eden

-woooooo returning!

-one of the calmest people in the department

-probably wouldn’t even be phased by the effect [CENSORED] gives her if we had it

“hey uh, eden? i got something to tell you..”

“go on shao,”

“didn’t... something happen to you? h-how are you even-”

“hey hey, dont worry about that! just, make sure you stay safe, alright?”

information team! (aka the threeks! (named by tom, who is dead, an idiot, and couldn’t count))

tom (dead)

-an idiot

-okay moving on

ryn

-the only one with aleph gear, seriously (edit (draft edition): hes the first one with aleph gear after i got nothing there’s gear, the second being daniel)

-chill once you get to know him,

-likes protecting others with his gear, since, you know

mason

-usually anxious, he doesn’t mean to be though!

-”alright calm down.. never mind this is not the time to calm dOW-”

-probably likes ryn??

eugene

-a little bit crazy, yet kind nonetheless! 

-hi

-just wants some friends, unfortunately not many people are willing to befriend her due to her kinda crazy nature

-basically someone who cares for everyone in the facility, y e e

(also whats known as a “bow kinnie” to the control team captain) /j

emma

-looks really kind until you try to talk to her, shes an asshole is what im trying to say

-likes to bite things with the sharp teeth she has, because why not

-absolute chaos

ray

-i dont know why she exists, shes just there

safety team! (aka the wind wielders (named by isabel, cause he likes flutes))

isabel

-brother of gregory

-the second innocent bean,,

-likes playing the flute whenever hes done for the day

-i accidentally gave him crumbling armour’s gift

gregory

-brother of isabel

-prefers acting over playing instruments,

-a bit more serious,

neville (prefers nelville)

-an absolutely tired employee, they just like waiting till everyone is done for the day to go home

-they’d be at home if they weren’t forced by their friend to work here

-hates everything right now

ramirez

-the joyful friend

-wanted to work here because of the people here, so many unique faces!

-likes all things unique, she usually loves trying different things that look nothing alike from the things she tried before

khanna

-the mute employee in the facility, uses notes to communicate

-another sane one, yet still kinda nervous

-a bean

training team! (aka “nobody here is fine” (named for the fact that almost everyone is very nervous, and then we got firenze))

hana

-the one thats sad most of the time

-really helpful for when it comes to working on abnormalities!

-gregory has a crush on them (why would you say tha)

sobin

-before you think of him as edgy, hes not all that edgy personality wise, he just likes the aesthetic

-hes just a really chill and friendly dude

-yes, he can see more with the e.g.o outfit hes wearing, it is pretty strange to him though

firenze

-the narcissist, he really thinks hes the king of this department

-hes wrong its actually hana thats the captain of this department

-nobody likes him

daniel

-actually used to be a clerk! the face was a little different then before but hey, thats fine

-the third pure bean

-hes a really good friend to have!

susan

-what can i say about her?

-well i mean

-shes susan

central command team! (aka where is everyone? (due to there being not many agents here))

geminiano

-the most sane one in the facility (while being the dead inside captain)

-really good when it comes to tech

-”oh sh** did anyone check on mika?”

charlotte

-the bald employee, doesn’t mind being bald, that just means she can take care of the “your bald” abnormality

-”ignore the second mouth i got on my armour, please”

-plays vibe games on roblox

mika

-absolutely. chill

-doesn’t know where he’s going most of the time

-the one that works on child of galaxy everytime

gimtteol

-really bad sight, she doesn’t mind it

-kalm

-nobody can spell her name right

arang (prefers ayang)

-you thought sobin was the edgelord huh? think again

-easily annoyed.

-also was a clerk before

john

-the newbie!

-hes trying okay?

-hes still a little nervous but thats fine!

disciplinary team! (aka f**k (also nicknamed “why do we have red” due to me choosing little red riding hooded mercenary every run where theres disciplinary))

ara

-angy

-another person that takes their job way too seriously but doesn’t mean to

-not really that rude sometimes, but most of the time she can be a bit of an asshole, probably because of something that happened in the past, nobody wants to talk about it though

-lesbian

camille

-has a slightly torn snake tongue, it makes them not able to speak, they mostly make noises like growling,

-nobody knows why their like this, they just are, but dont be afraid to talk to them if you need anything! they usually write what their trying to say

-the expert, especially at finding things, even if they cant speak

tim

-another returning employee! wooooo

-still dead inside, but feeling a little bit better!

-might be the oldest out of everyone

welfare team! (aka “sleep tight” (nobody knows why its called that)

space

-very calm, most of the time doesn’t mind anything, but still does get a little nervous at times

-nobody knows why her eyes are always closed, (ara specified that her eyes look like a galaxy that can only be opened for a couple of seconds because if she opens them for more than a few seconds they’ll start to glitch, when others see it happening, it looks like the galaxy is becoming more like an image other than a real galaxy, parts of the galaxy become misplaced and reverted back to their original place quickly repeatedly (kinda like the select thing in paint, usually in the shape of the rectangular selection though) and parts of the galaxy turn into static and back very quickly and repeatedly. we she sees it happening her vision becomes the same as how other people see the galaxy when it starts glitching, randomly shifting from original place to different place, or from static back to normal, some ominous, glitchy sounds have been heard when this is happening aswell, (i thought of this because of a small dream(?) i had when i was in a certain state of almost about to fall asleep, maybe i was napping i dont really know, it was a strange dream, i dont remember much of it which is expected, i think it was something about discord and some sort of strange thing that had a little timer on it, and after it was done the thing it was in started glitching, the background it was in and even the button that used to be the timer was glitching, i heard some sounds that were glitching a little (it looked like those screens you see when someone’s streaming something on there,) and then i woke up, yeah kinda weird,)

-like eugene, cares for everyone! especially ara, since space herself is the one who helps ara through tough times

courtney

-gets bored alot, just wants to work on the difficult abnormalities

-really snarky

johnson

-a smartass

-yet still a little friendly if they trust you

-i’ll upgrade them soon dont worry (i have upgraded them/him dont worry)

,

woop!

i’ll probably update this soon, but in the meantime have this, sorry for being dead lately, on both this and my sideblog

[yyxgin]

no bar!! never fret about replying late. i know what it’s like to not want to talk to anyone. honestly. i won’t call it (my experience) a depressive episode bc one of my friends used to brush off me when i was saying things like i’m depressed and say ‘sad’ instead. like if i were to say ‘that made me/i am depressed’ she’d say something like ‘oh god same! like if it’s making you sad,, don’t do it.’ which is a v poor example of what she did but i never called it depressed after that bc she pissed me off n was disregarding of my feelings (even though she’s incredibly anxious herself) bc i didn’t get it officially diagnosed. idk if you’ve ever read about birth control pills but i always read on tumblr people calling them literal depression pills and i ignored it, thinking either 1) people were being dramatic / were over-dramatising it or 2) it wouldn’t happen to me anyway. it fucking happened and they were not being dramatic. i was never happy n always working on minimal sleep n making self depreciating jokes all the time bc it was the only way i could cope with my thoughts n constant mood swings. so what i’m trying to say is,, i know how it feels. if that’s any consolation. it’s not me trying to be ‘oh me too!’ or ‘mine was worse than you’ it’s just me being understanding n telling you it’s okay. also lemme at your friends!! i’ll stomp them out n get the barman to run them over for you!! they’re so mean to forget you!! i find that deciding i want to do something specific n then asking the appropriate people if they want to do saïd thing/place works for me. it can be a simple ‘we should do this, when are you free?’ helps. making it known that you want to do things helps. or aggressively remind them that it’s nice to be asked bc it means they thought of you even if you couldn’t go n tried to include you. or we can revisit me stomping them out w my beloved barman,,, whatever works best for you my dear <3

admittedly me and one of the girls were discussing that we are going to miss our manager. even though literally everyone moaned about her (i feel like it’s impossible to avoid in literally any job/situation) she did have her moments and she did a lot for the staff like after work-drinks, asking the chefs if we could order off of the customer menu instead of the staff menu or whatever they cook in bulk for everyone to take home in the evening. apparently she did this a lot more than the previous manager. she has a good heart but sometimes she ignored some of the girls when we ask for days off or our availability for the week which was very annoying of her. it could’ve been a lot worse, i suppose, but overall she wasn’t terrible.

thé lady who lives in my town and drops me given the chance, told me the other night that she used to be the duty manager. i asked her why she stopped and she explained that when they furloughed everyone they asked her to come back on like half pay or something? idk i just remember it being explained as they wanted her to come back sooner and take away her furlough so she said no and got demoted. but somehow she still gets some of the furlough? idk i have been taught that asking how much or discussing specifics of paychecks kind of thing is rude, growing up. she has been telling me they keep asking her to come back (now they’re asking her to be a supervisor since she declined the manager role) and she keeps saying no. i love her and want the best for her so i won’t say anything to anyone about the conversations me and her have had (i mean, apart from maybe my mum if i can remember, and you bc, let’s be real, you don’t know me and idk you) and she says they’re just difficult to work with as a management team. she even said our area manager isn’t impressed with our current assistant manager (who is currently the only person on an houred contract since our manager left) which shocked me since i personally think he is quite good considering he has a good relationship with the staff and kitchen (he’s thai so he can communicate with the kitchen better than most of the wait staff (some wait staff are thai but mostly not)) i think she doesn’t want to be the eldest person in management or she doesn’t want the age gap to be so big since she has a kid she can lecture at home, she doesn’t need to be looking after people at work, y’know?

also today, me and one of the girls were upstairs (two floors of the restaurant!) and it’s nearing 11pm and her brother (who also works there) comes up and asks us when we’re finishing (mostly her lol) but we had two tables just sitting talking amongst themselves so she just said idk. he was saying he wanted to go bc he’s tired etc n he’s driving n she was like it’s fine go home i’ll call an uber or something n he was refusing to leave her behind. (i feel like i brushed over the two tables sitting there but it must be noted they’re the only tables left in the entire restaurant and we were the only two wait staff still there, apart from her brother but he changed and was waiting downstairs). anyway, she was sweeping (i was cleaning the booth/sofa thingy chairs as it was a mundane task we could do to pass time and while she was sweeping by one of the tables thé boyfriend was whispering to his girlfriend saying ‘should we go?’ and the girlfriend said ‘why should i care?’ and the girl came over to tell me v quietly and i got so upset for her. bc she is literally the sweetest person on the earth and the only reason i didn’t go to ask the manager to see if i could go home with the lady who offers to take me (ex-duty manager lady!) was so she wasn’t alone up there. if i had been the one sweeping near that table i would’ve snapped so fucking hard at them. i mean, we’re 18 and have lives and sleep schedules, and we’re working until 11pm on a thursday before we even get home?? like i wouldn’t have minded staying if they were reasonable tables but after the gf said that i was like ‘shall i go get our stuff from the staff room?’ so i could split as fast as possible. in the end the temporary acting manager came up and told us we could finish and she kicked the tables out ten minutes later. i told her what the table saïd and she thought that was mean and unnecessary too. i was also worried about my sleep tonight since i have my first vaccine tomorrow morning. that’s why i was more pressed about what time i left work today. oh well.

im sorry for talking so much about work! sometimes i don’t have someone to talk to about it (at home) bc of my weird hours and sometimes i don’t like re-explaining things to my mum if she doesn’t get it the first seven times. sometimes it’s just a little too draining as she doesn’t understand since she’s a lifer at her job. it’s easier to explain to my dad but then i get a whole lecture on something that i ultimately have no control over n id rather just bitch w the girls at work but the problem is WE’RE AT WORK!!!

also i booked for my first tattoo!! i’m excited. it’s for next week,, which was super quick considering i was expecting to have to wait soooo much longer. i’ve been telling people about it and that it’s happening but i haven’t had the pleasure of telling people exactly where i got the idea from. bar, my dear, you know wheein’s new album, redd? well, it comes with loads of things, including these stickers (one for each song) and the one from springtime was just so perfect and when i saw it my first thought was, this would be a perfect tattoo. and so i am having it tattooed on my body. a subtle nod to kpop whilst also having something meaningful on my body. i also have just decided i want a small, minimalistic (or one-line art) rose on my sternum, kind of in the valley of my breasts, bc my nan was a rose. i like having her close to me. i recently got her necklace fixed which has left me feeling so incomplete after it broke in august last year. it’s been almost ten years and i think i’m long overdue something to remind me of her. i fiddle with my necklace when i’m nervous which is why i love it so much but incase it breaks again (i pray it doesn’t but i have a long life ahead of me) i would like her close still.

gosh there’s never enough space in my head to remember what i want to tell you so i’ll stop here for now since i should sleep to be able to wake up in time for my first jab. i’m scared but it’s whatever i’ll do it i suppose,, eeek 😨

ilyl ~ 🌻

thank you so much for opening up to me about this, it means a lot to me :( i am so sorry you had to go through this and honestly,, i really resonate with you. i feel like when i talk about my emotions and my sadness (dont know if its okay to call it depression either but yea), my friend either always either makes me feel like my emotions arent valid or she tells me she doesnt know how to help, which is frankly, why i dont talk about my emotions to people irl anymore. i dont open up and it takes me a long long time to do so if i ever do, because i tend to feel insecure/not safe :D so really, thank you for telling me and i hope you are doing better. your emotions are valid and i am always here for you 

HAHAHA i mean i dont have many friends so theres not many to stomp on:( but i mean,, i get passive aggressive when i feel forgotten/left out so you best believe i told my friend how im feeling, but like uhhh it didnt do much. i spent the whole weekend at work and i was free on friday but my friend decided to ditch me and yeah. i havent been out in like two weeks now and i mean i am an introvert so i dont mind that much but even i want to socialise sometimes

aah i mean every manager has their flaws, no one’s perfect. my manager keeps calling me to go to work even though i was literally there for 11 hours on saturday AND sunday which means i worked for 20 hours in two days. and i work 20 hours a week at max. and i already worked some hours before the weekend so i think i have like 30 hours now and she keeps calling??? dude i need a break too,,i am so exhausted and tired of this shit :dd

oh i totally get what the lady that drops you off sometimes told you. i would feel a little iffy if i heard it too, but like,,,judge by your own experiences!! if you feel like something is off, you can always leave,, so i wouldn’t be so stressed about it.

why are people so rude ??? dude,,you should care, because we are all human. everyone has their needs and their lives and i bet he wouldnt like it if he was the one in your place. why should you stay there longer just because he didnt want to leave?? that was so unnecessary. people are weird beings and i learnt that after working with them this weekend,,,like i litereally got screamed at because i couldnt accept cash in different currency. like,,what tf do you want me to do?? i dont have every single currency with me so i could give u the change ?? tf ??

ALSO ITS OKAY TALK ABOUT YOUR WORK HOWEVER MUCH YOU WANT !!!! i also feel like i dont have anyone to talk to about work bc my parents dont listen to me as much as they used to these days and my friend unsurprisingly just doesnt care bc she doesnt work,, and i dont wanna talk to my internet friends abt it as much bc i feel annoying so i am glad us two can talk about these things together !!!! 

YOUR FIRST TATTOOOO WHOAAAH thats so cool. i love tattoos hihi dfkja idk if u already had the appointment but tell me how it went after !! i wasnt able to find the sticker on the internet but im sure it looks hella pretty. also i love how it reminds you both of kpop and your grandma, its wonderful <3 i really want to get a tattoo one day,, and i also want something meaningful (not that i am hating on people that tattoo themselves just for fun and have no meaning behind their tattoos i just have commitment issues so i want something long lasting). alSO my crush (yes i have a crush now ew) has a tattoo and it looks like satan lowkey,,but apparently its a japanese something (i forgot the word oopsies) and it means jealousy, bad past and wisdom ?? i was like BOY IF U DONT??? fjdkla he has blue hair btw i am very much whipped but he also doesnt know me and i am older than him so this is embarrassing

ALSO I HOPE YOURE FEELING WELL AFTER GETTING THE VACCINE !!! 

ily <333

[kate-read-that]

Everyone knows there's two groups in Scott's town: bikers and players. On one hand, bikers are a mess to be around: always looking for trouble, making noise, partying all over the city.... a mess. Th issue is, most have good grades and know enough about machines and motors and such to give classes to the mechanics from town.

On the other hand, players are nice looking, kind hearted, smart boys that never make a fuss and are always there to help the community however they can. Most are football players, runners and basketball players or all of those at the same time. They're a charm to be around, if you're lucky enough to get in their circle.

"Welcome to Pop's, please sit wherever, its early yet" says Peter to his friends, careful to keep equilibrium on his rollers.

"Thanks Mr, we'll take the same table we usually do" Steve laughs and goes sit at their usual table with the rest.

Serving the table next to them, pretty blond looks at Peter with adoration.

"Is Claire still trying to get you to ask her out, Peter" MJ asks, fully knowing the answer already. Peter whines.

"I've tried to discourage her in a million ways! I'm bi, but I'm not interested in her, I dont know why she doesnt get it!"

"Man shes hot and funny, what is there not to be interested about?" Sam asks, one broe arched in disbelief.

"If you like her, ask her out! That'll get her off me" Peter begs while writing down their orders, even thought theres no need.

They always order the same food and wait until Peter finishes his turn to go so something around the city, and tonight's no exception, until new company arrives.

The door opens to Tony S., major douchebag of the city, and his friends, the major dumbasses, Nat, Clint and Bucky B. Peter's friends instantly look awkward and pissed, and the other persons in the diner look at Tony's and his friends with dread. Who know what they might be up to. The fact that they cant be thrown off high school because his amazing grades pisses off a lot of people.

Peter swallows and calms himself. He hopes Tony wont cause problems in the diner, because that's the last thing he needs and tmhe really doesnt want to kick anyone out. Besides, he isn't sure how he would kick them out if he had to.

Despite his nervousness, he rolls to them and smiles politely: " Welcome to Pop's, please sit wherever, today is not as full"

"What about you sit on my lap, darling?" Tony claimed he was bi a long time ago; more than claimed, he was caught having sex with some guy under the major's statue. Peter counts to five so he doesnt reply to that.

"Choose whatever table you want, I'll go serve you right now" he then turns around to give the cooker his friends orders, hoping he doesnt look too startled.

Tony usually mocks them in high school, and they mock right back, but he has never said anything sexual to him. It's strange, thinking of him that way, like someone you can have sex with. Peter shakes his head and rolls back to Tony's table.

Nat and Clint are too busy signaling at each other to notice he's there, and Bucky is checking something on the other side of the diner. Peter is too shy to say something when no one is paying attention, so he waits until Tony tells his friends to shut up and order already because they're making Parker loose his time.

Peter looks at him surprised, but smiles and starts taking notes. Clint has a little bit problem to order, because his deaf and his parents couldnt teach him to talk until he got in school, but he manages. Peter likes Clint, he's nice and seems a good person, but he doesnt understand why he mixes with the rest.

Nat is adopted and she's always in trouble for this thing or the other, she's always quiet but when she talks is like she's always trying to test you, somehow. Bruce had to give her math classes for a while and he said she's actually not that bad, but she still scares Peter.

Buckys parents are cool, they let him leave alone, which sounds incredible, but hes always argues with teachers and missing class, and hes always inappropriate and rude to people.

And Tony's parents are as rich as it gets, but they like to live away from big cities so they're here until tony graduates. Peter doesn't know much about them, except that they no longer pick Tony up when he gets arrested so one of the members of their staff does it. His uncle Sam is a cop, and he says theres nothing sadder than parents that dont care about his son enough to get mad at him.

So Peter tries to be kind to them, but it's so hard when all they do is mock him and his friends. Besides, Tony always has the expression, like he's to good for everyone else! It drives Peter mad.

"I'm going to have the Burguer 6, with chips and a piece of that ass" Tony pretends to read seriously from the menu, but his friends dont laugh. Peter's tired of the jokes, but he needs the job and Tony is not going to ruin this for him.

"Sure thing, dude, maybe when hell freezes. What else?" The others do laugh this time, to Peter's confusion, and order their meals.

.....

"Dude he absolutely hates you" Bucky seems to find this hilarious, even though hes Tony's best friend and he should support him, dammit!

"Of course he had to wear shorts, not like I could keep my mind straight or something" Tony moans, watching Peter roll away like the cute doll he is.

"You're like an animal dude" Clint says, little sloppy but understandable.

"Pathetic" Adds Nat, as if Tony needed confirmation of the screw up.

"And besides, since when is your mind straight?" Bucky laughs at his own joke, like the idiot he is, Tony thinks, while checking the other side of the diner again.

"At least I dont stalk Rogers from here like some kind of pervert" Tony smiles wide at Bucky's affronted face, blushing and frowning. "Whatever".

"Dude, just tell him you're into him and ask him on a date, this suave shit is not your style" Clint signs, too tired to try and talk. Tony signs back "Suave is totally think you jerk!"

"Not when you care" Nat interrupts as direct as always, looking seriously at him. "Food here is good but if you did yourself a favor and went straight to it we wouldnt have to come here and hear you whine"

"Straight?" Bucky chimes again, entertained. Nat hits him in the back of the head "Idiot."

"I will, alright? I will"

Rught then, Peter comes back with their drinks and Tony leans back.

"I dont know what I like the most, you coming to me in those cute rolls or you going away in that killer short"

All his friends look at him exasperated, and Tony cant believe he actually said that to Peter. Hes never going to get a date with his cheesy fucking lines.

But Peter laughs. Not a big laugh, okay, but a short, cute one that he tries to hide.

"Maybe youd like me better without both, huh Tony?" He leans towards Tony a little, his hand on Tony's shoulder for a second.

Hes gone just as fast as he came, leaving the whole table shocked.

Tony knows he should close his mouth, but he cant believe Peter Parker just legit flirted back at him. What the hell? He needs a cold shower right now, and his friends need to stop looking at him.

"Did you pay him to say that or something" Tony knows Bucky is trying to be funny, but truth is he cant explain that act either, and when he looks at Nat and Clint for help, they're just staring at him like a third head just grew out.

...

Peter is hyperventilating.

"I cant believe I flirted back. What the hell is wrong with me?" His friends are looking at him like he just told them he likes to dance hula naked in december, and Peter cant blame them

"Huh, maybe the fact that you've had the hots for him for years?"MJs voice cuts the air. Peter looks at her in disbelief.

"I have not! He's arrogant and careless and despective and rude and..."

"And hot and intelligent and funny, in your opinion" MJ adds, smiling "I've seen you laugh at his jokes when you think no one is watching, and you cant deny hes hot and smary"

"Maybe you should date him"

"Dont be ridiculous, I'm leaning to girls in this period of my life. And he's into you, not me"

Peter couldnt believe MJ. He did not have the hots for Tony, and Tomy was not funny, not all the time anyway, and Tony Stark was not into Peter in any way, shape or form.

And yet he had felt so good flirting with him. Seeing his amazement when Peter had answered. For once, Tony was not in control of everything and playing his jokes, he was shocked.

And Peter did that to him.

So Peter decided, what the hell, let's try this out. If he ends up being an asshole, my friends will kick his ass for me.

"If you like him, go ahead, but he looks like too much trouble for me" Steve said, looking worried. He and Bucky had been childhood friends, but they bad separated later in life and Steve didn't like to be close to him or his friends, Tony included.

"Yeah, and if he's a jerk to you well talk to him" Sam smiled threatingly, clapping his hands.

"Nat is really nice to be around when you meet her" added a blushing Bruce, who had been crushing on the ginger since they met but was way too shy to say or do anything.

Peter kept working until he had to deliver Tony's food. He tried not to show he was nervous and he definitely didnt check his ass before going out the kitchen with the food.

"Number 6,8,12, and 3 for you guys, with chips for everyone and a piece of ass for Anthony" he looked at Tony intently, trying to guess his reaction. For a second Stark just stranded there, shocked, until he slapped Peter's ass so strongly all the diner turned around. Or maybe it was because Peter had let out the loudest moan a boy his size could produce.

Peter thought he was going to kill himself. What was that?? One thing is flirting,but that? He was so losing his job. Trying to keep as much dignity as he could, he said "That's more than a piece, and it hurt, you idiot" and he turned around and left, head high and eyes burning from shame.

....

Tony was going to kill himself.

"Dude, what the fuck? He was kidding you dumbass" Bucky, again, was laughing at him. Although this time Tony couldnt blame him, fuck it. What the hell was that?? It's not like Peter's bubble butt didnt deserve one or two good slaps, but Peter worked there!

On the other hand, how could have Tomy anticipated that Peter was going to react like that? That moan could have brought people from the death, nd it certainly brought some of Tony's parts as well.

"It seemed like he liked it" Nat said, like she was reading Tony's mind. She was trying to keep herself from laughing, while Clint signaled that he was scarred for life.

Tont got up without knowing what he was doing. People weren't looking directly anymore, but he knew they were still totally focused on his movements. He got in the staff room without problems. Apparently Claire was too shocked to say nothing about it.

As soon as he got in he saw Peter, sitting in a corner, head buried on his lap.

"Dude what the hell? Are you alright?" Tony rushed to him scared. Peter just laughed.

"You're kidding? I'm si getting fired after that. What the fuck, man? In which world is that an appropriate way of flirting?"

"So we were flirting?" Tony wanted to confirm, and he realized now he sounded like an ass.

"Oh my god you slapped my ass but you dodnt know we were flirting? Dude! You're all class arent you?" Peter frowned at him.

"Didnt seem like you cared" Tomy knew he was being a dick, but he couldnt help it when Peter was right there, all long legs and blushed and nervous and biting his goddamn lip making it even redder than usual. If possible, Peter got even more red. "I liked that a lot, but that doesnt mean you can do it in my job, you idiot"

"What about my place? When you finish here?" Tony knew he was going to be totally rejected after that but he had to try, right?

"Ah, no, I'm not letting you win after that. You're taking me on a date first, and if you behave I'll let you take me to your place and well see what happens" Peter said, knowing full well he was going to be ditched.

"Deal"

"Wait, you sirious?" Peter opened his eyes in disbelief.

"What, you're not?" Tony arched his brow.

"I am, I am. Okay, deal"

"Can I ask you something, before I leave?"

"What?"

"Would you wear those shorts to our date?"

[usertoxicyaoi]

First of all I completely disagree with everything you guys have been saying about Sarawat. Nobody is at fault but the issue here is Tine's insecurities. Pam's text was a hello so how could Sarawat have been lying and texting her? Also Tine was the one imaging scenarios in his head while browsing through Pam's ig, something he didn't need to do. Also Sarawat can't force Tine to talk, he asked him several times to tell him what's wrong and he refused to. Wat also stayed up all night which is /1

how he knew that Tine stayed up listening to music but like I said Tine didn't want to talk so what exactly do you guys expect him to do? Even the next day Tine STILL didn't want to talk and it was only till Sarawat abandoned band practice to take care of Tine and asked him again what was wrong which is when Tine told him how he felt about Pam. Wat explained the situation to Tine even pointing out he doesn't see Tine and Pam as similar to each other and his little joke at the end was just to /2

lighten the mood and make Tine feel better, which he did, not to dismiss his feelings. As for the song, it's probably the same as the video Tine thinking it's one thing and it being another. I don't understand how if Sarawat doesn't completely deal with Tine's insecurities, he's his boyfriend not his therapist, and Tine assumes stuff then that means Sarawat is an evil demon who has wronged Tine in the worst way. No one is wrong here people just need to talk. /3

hiii anon!!! wow okay. urm. so.

firstly, i’m sorry. i hold my hands up and i wanna apologise not just to you, but anybody else who i may have offended yesterday by saying how disappointed i was with sarawat in ep 12 and how he felt written really badly for me to the point where it irked me bc it felt like glimpses of novel! wat were peaking thru him in ep 12. but i’ve slept on it, and i’ve calmed down now. but yeah, i am still really sorry for what i said. 

and its fine that you disagree and its absolutely okay for you to do so. you saw wat in a very different way than i did. thus, my interpretation was a total 180 from yours. 

that being said, its ..... a sensitive issue. tine’s insecurities are a sensitive issue. yes, sarawat isn’t his therapist or counsellor. he is his boyfriend. and i feel like, if i were in that position, it would worry me if my s/o kept on hiding things from me, only for me to constantly find yet another ambiguous thing, and when i ask them for an explanation, they panic and freeze and just ... evade. especially if that happens not just once, but again and again. then, do you really blame tine for overthinking things? lets leave his insecurities out for a second, lets say he wasn’t insecure. even then, would you really blame him for being in the wrong if he overthought? 

now here’s where tine has been a bit more quicker to react, in that he eventually, within that same ep, plucks up the courage to ask wat directly. and within that same ep or directly onto the next one, things get resolved and wat explains himself. so they do communicate. 

but this time, its not just a simple issue. its not just a video, or a song. its a person. a first love. a past thats come to the present of which tine had very little idea on. handling that is a very different issue than to handling a video or a song being hidden from you. and what heightens it for him is that wat referred to her as his “first love”. not even a crush, but a “first love”. and pam says to him “she loves him back”. now obviously, we know that wat doesn’t love her. a ‘first’ love doesn’t mean the ‘only’ love. but couple that with tine’s already failed dating history, where his s/o has left him everytime, due to which he now feels he isn’t worth it, along with the fact that pam is quite literally a reflection of him in many ways, yet different from him too. what else is tine supposed to feel other than “second best yet again”. 

now, like you said. the issue here is tine’s insecurities. you’re right - it is! bc this whole show is from tine’s perspective, so of course, all the issues and faults relate back to him and his way of perceiving and reading things. he either reads too much into it or doesn’t at all. its what insecurities do - they mess up and warp your perception into 2 very radical and polar opposite ends, one thats too intense and deep and one that is hollow and vacant. 

now, i’m gonna say what i said yesterday. though this is sarawat’s first relationship, from what we know and can see, wat LOOKS and APPEARS to be the more secure one in the relationship from the two, partly bc he has had that year to stew over his feelings for tine, and this was when he didn’t even know if he’d see tine again. and now that he’s with tine, its more or less everything he’s ever wanted, given to him. but tine’s not had that time. all he’s had is failed relationship after failed relationship. but also, just bc sarawat has now, in tine, what he has always wanted, doesn’t mean its plain sailing. sarawat didn’t know tine came with such a huge amount of emotional baggage with him. 

and yes sarawat has tried. he tried again and again yesterday to reach out. and i commend him for it. but now is the real crucial time for sarawat to learn who tine is, and help him unload that emotional baggage - not do it for him, but help him. not as a therapist or counsellor, but as his significant other. 

and in doing that, he can’t make light of the situation. which, ya know, you found it as him tryna cheer tine up, but i didn’t. i found it rude and inappropriate. and thats okay. you have your view, i have mine. what also needed to happen here was, not sarawat saying that “he claims tine and that tine belongs to him”. no. go back to ep 11, where sarawat said to tine “i’d like to be with you for longer than 10 years”. something like that was what tine needed to hear then. something that mentioned stability and longevity, something he hasn’t had before ever in a relationship, not possessiveness. but of course, that’s just me being very nit picky so ... feel free to ignore that.

and the thing is, ya know what. in all of this. tine is gonna beat himself up more than anything and anyone else. he won’t even lash out that badly at sarawat, more so than he will beat his own self up for it. for being “dumb and silly and stupid and not enough and just a shadow and a failure”. he’s done it before, he will do it again. he won’t even feel the need to see sarawat as a demon. he loves him too much for that. and thats also another problem. 

he sees sarawat as this entirely perfect person. i dont wanna say that he puts him on a pedestal, but bc other people do, it doesn’t help in his perception of seeing sarawat as being this too good of a person thats somehow ended up falling in love and being with him. that’s tine lack of self esteem speaking. and thats something they’re both gonna have to talk about. 

these things arent just gonna go away. they’ll lie dormant, then flare up, then lie dormant again. what they can do though, like you mentioned, is talk. not as therapist-patient, but as 2 people, as equals, in a relationship. tine is gonna have to learn to open up and trust wat and change his perception and see that wat is human and that he isn’t perfect and that he is just as much of an equal part to this whole relationship, and wat’s gonna have to learn to not keep things secretive from tine and make tine see that he in fact is human and not perfect and just be more empathetic towards tine’s insecurities and low self esteem.

but thats easier said than done.

[marvelgbt-posts]

Projects

{Photographer! Peter Parker x Bigender! Artist! Reader}

Warnings: i dont know much bout the bigender community, and so i did my research. So you identify as two genders? I dont know what ‘genders’ exactly you’d want here, so i’ll put they/them pronouns if thats okay :)

Summary: ‘can i please get a bigender reader who goes to art school with peter, that has like, “god like abilities” and always compliments/draws/tells peter hes amazing. ((tag @give-you-the-sxn please?))

Ofc my beautiful valid child <3

A/N: i decided to change it up a bit and have the art class as a club after school instead. Also I hc that tom hollands peter parker is into photography. I hope you like it >///<

I listened to ‘youth’ by Shawn Mendes and Khalid while doing this.

*not edited*

“Welcome class,” the teacher greeted you all brightly, “I’m glad you could make it after school today, what with all the rain and all I assumed only two or three of you would have shown up today. Anyways, you know what to do. Best get to it.” She clapped her hands, before turning her heel and moving to write on the board, writing ‘Integrated Arts Club’ in a cursive calligraphy font. That was her contribution to the club. Calligraphy.

You sighed. This was a way for you to escape the harsh reality of the outside world. Half the students in this club were members of the community, no scratch that, the majority of students were gay. There was maybe only one or two straight people apart of this club.

You took out your paints, paintbrushes, pencils, and then got your canvas from inside the supply closet where you had left it yesterday. It was your newest project, a painting of a woman in white, with bright red lips and a black dress that blended into the black background of your canvas. You were inspired by a woman you had seen one night on the streets of Queens.

Taking a seat by yourself- taking up the whole table with your paints and brushes spread everywhere- you began painting. Everything was already finished, you just needed the details. You heard the door open and close, only choosing to look up when you finished an eyelash stroke.

“Yeah, this is where I go after school. That over there is Mia- the one spray painting the poster paper- and the dude over there with the guitar is Jay. That over there is (y/n), their bigender so I’d just use androgynous pronouns for them. Over there is Ms. Burningham, our club sponsor, and the dude in the corner is Max, he’s a comic book artist. You’d fit right in, Peter.”

The voice belonged to MJ, a close friend of yours. She often helped give you inspiration, letting you paint some of her sketches to life. You heard her walk behind you, leaning down so her hair was in your peripheral vision. You looked up, “Yo, MJ.” You smiled at her, then up at the newbie.

He was short, about an inch or so shorter than you, with brown eyes and hair. He wore a sweater over another shirt, jeans, and ha a camera in his hands. He was trembling, probably nervous.

“Hey, ahh, who’s this?” You asked MJ, who looked at Peter. She leaned back against the table, her palms getting paint on them from the splatters that had fallen off your plate of paint.

“Parker- Peter. Peter Parker. Nice to meet you.”

He went to shake your hand, you lifted yours up to show him you had gotten black and red all over them, “Sorry, dont wanna mess up your hands. That camera looks expensive.”

Peter made a small ‘oh’ noise, looking down to his small Canon camera. “Yeah, it- its almost completely brand new. I sold some of my old stuff to get it. Useless stuff, shirts and books and stuff.”

“Cool, cool. Uh, MJ, could you tell Jay to keep it down over there? Can’t hear my own thoughts over his wanna-be indie music,” you said, completely disregarding the boy in front of you now. It wasn’t that you were rude, you just wanted to get this painting finished hole everything was still wet, otherwise it would make problems later on. MJ rolled her eyes, but nodded. You flashed Peter a smile, before turning to you painting.

After about a minute of silence, you heard a gasp behind you, “Holy shit- that’s really good!” You looked up, seeing Peter next to you with his camera turned on. He blushed, “Sorry! It’s just you looked so calm and pleasing, I snapped a quick photo while you weren’t looking- sorry.”

You half-smiled, standing upright, “Thanks, and it’s okay. This class is freedom of expression. Just not expression, ‘kay? As in, no swearing,” you laughed and pointed to the lady at the front of the class, her hands busy grading the Latin worksheets. Peter nodded, surprise clear across his face, “Oh- sorry.”

“Can I see?”

“What?”

“The pictures, can I see? I mean, they're of me, right?”

“Oh- yeah! Totally!”

Peter pushed a few buttons on his camera, and he scrolled through some of the photos until he found yours. “Here-”

“Wow, i look hot!”

You moved closer to Peter to get a better look, gawking at the aesthetic that was put into one simple photo. You did look good in this photo. “Mind sending me this? Not just this, other stuff, too. I’d love to make a piece from these- oh, if that’s okay?”

“Uhh- yeah! Sure!”

***

You flopped onto the bed, curling up next to a pillow. It was cold from loneliness, making you snuggle closer to it. You looked at your nails- paint ad managed to get wedged between the nail and the skin, and no matter how hard you tried it wouldn’t wash away.

You sighed, ready to turn off the light until your phone went off. You checked it to see there was a message from MJ, asking you if it was okay to give Peter your number. You texted back, ‘Yeah. Totally.’

Three minutes later, your phone went off again and it was Peter.

Unknown

Hey (y/n) its peter

Parker

Peter parker

Um

I just wanted to know if you wanted the photos to be on a hard drive or through gmail or something?

Hello?

-11:13-

You

Yeah

I’m here hi

A hard drive would be nice thanks

-11:15-

You took a moment to change Peter’s ID to his name. About five minutes later, Peter responded with more spam

Peter

Okay cool

Yeah okay

Yeah i can do that

Sure

Yeah

Okay

Cool

-11:32-

You

Lol

Imma sleep

Night peter

-11:35-

Peter

(…)

Night

-11:45-

***

The next day, you bumped into Peter in the hallway, “Oh, hi Pete. Can I call you that?”

“Hi, (y/n)! Yeah, totally cool!”

“Cool, got the hard drive?”

“Yeah, right here,” Peter patted his jean pockets for a bit before pulling out a black and red hard drive, “It has maybe 20 or 25 pictures here. Their mostly just random pictures of places around Queens, hope that’s okay?” You nod, “Thanks Pete.”

***

That night, you went home and changed Peter’s ID to ‘Pete’. After that, you plugged the hard drive into your laptop, opening the file titled ‘images’ and scrolling through the photos. Most of them were taken at impossible angles, and you wondered how Peter was able to capture photos like them. One was at the top of a building and looking down onto a busy interstate. Another was of the stars, a bit of the background trees getting in the frame. They were beautiful. Another was of MJ, her back towards the camera, a backpack strap in her hand, looking to the left at the sky with a sunset background. You saved that image as ‘Michelle_jERKFACE.jpeg’ on your computer. The photo Peter took of you earlier was amongst them as well.

You went to bed that night with a smile on your face and ideas fresh in your mind, ready for tomorrow's Club Meeting.

***

“Hey (y/n)! Like the pictures i sent?”

“Holy Shii-shhh! Peter! That sentence can go two ways!”

“OH! Sorry...”

“Its fine, and yes I did like them. They were really good! How come you never joined before?”

“Never thought i was good enough.”

“Not good enough?! Peter, those photos are professional level photos. They are wonderful and beautiful and deserve to be in a museum.”

“Oh, wow, thanks...” peter blushed, looking own with a small smile on his face.

***

You looked at the scenery before you, trees brown and crisp from the fall air. Peter sat next to you, his camera ready to snap a picture at any moment. MJ sat opposite Peter, sketchbook in hand and sketching the trees and people. Ned was posing by a fountain as Peter playfully took photos of him. You started sketching Peter into your own book, smiling when you finished and began shading.

MJ looked over at you, “Damn, you’re gay for Peter Parker.”

You looked at MJ with a shocked expression, before looking at the sketch and at Peter, who was now out of ear shot.

“Totally,” you smiled, before both of you went back to your drawings.

***

“Peter,” you looked at him seriously from your spot on his bed, “Ever think about kissing dudes before?”

Peter blushed, “I- ah, um...” His eyes widened, before looking down shamefully, “Y-Yeah… more than a few times...”

You smiled, “Cool, so what? You’re… bi?”

“More pan, I look for personality more than gender.”

“Cool, same. I’m (sexuality).”

“Oh, cool!”

***

“Peter, where are we going?”

“Behind the school. There’s something I need to show you.”

Peter had your hand tight in his grip, pulling you through the almost empty hallways. His voice didn’t stutter, which worried you.

Finally, you made it. Peter pulled out his camera, “Stand in front of that street art Mia did yesterday.” You did just that. Peter moved your arms to move in front of your sweater, telling you to tug at it a bit and look up at the sky. He moved some hair in front of your face to cover your eyes. He knelt down, snapping the photo.

“Cool, now stay there.”

“Do you always get like this for a photo?” You asked as Peter pressed record, moving next to you, “What do you mean?”

“Nothing, um. What are you doing?”

“Its for a project. I’m gonna screenshot part of the video later. Please, this is important.”

You watched Peter as he took control of the situation, taking your (smaller/bigger) hands in is own, intertwining them as he leant up.

“Kiss me.”

You coughed, moving back. Peter moved his arms around you again, “Please?”

“Why?”

“The project- please (y/n).”

You slowly gave in, letting Peter wrap his arms around your waist as you looked down into his eyes, your hands cupping his cheeks softly. He leant up to kiss you softly. Both of you stayed there, afraid and unsure of how to move.

“I’m sorry,” Peter said after a while, moving away. You were quick to react, taking the back of his head and slamming it back onto yours.

“Mph-!”

He was taken aback by the action, soon melting and whimpering into it.

Yep, you were so gay for Peter Parker.

[imagine-loki]

Books are better than People

TITLE: Books are better than People CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: 13 AUTHOR: dance-in-moonlight ORIGINAL IMAGINE: Imagine taking Loki to the biggest library in the world, The Tianjin Binhai Library in China. As soon as you walk in, he’s like a kid in a candy store as he doesn’t know where to start with 1.2 million books surrounding him… RATING: T NOTES/WARNINGS: Guys I am so sorry it took so long again! I’ve had it written for ages but never found the time to upload it. So here you go,finally. Tell me what you think! (Also remember I publish this on my blog as well. Sometimes I say something about a delay there. And feel free to request other fics and oneshots,or ideas for this one  :}  )

ADDITION: You are Tony’s personal assistant.

“They are what?”

You felt the ground shaking beneath you as you processed the words. It concerned you on the edge of your conscience, but your mind was focused on other things.

“They are off to find a new place for their people”, Bruce repeated calmly. The ground was still shaking, but nobody seemed to notice. It occurred to you that it was in fact your legs giving in.

“But…they did not say anything about how to contact them? There must be a way, right?”

Bruce looked down in silence, and Natasha gave you one of those pitying glances.

“I didn’t get a chance to apologize”, you breathed into the room. When you had come into the building this morning, in search of Loki, you had found Natasha, Bruce and Clint in the community floor instead. You still couldn’t believe it. Two days ago you had had this stupid argument with Loki - in hindsight it hadn’t even been an argument, you had just screamed at him - and now he was somewhere in the universe with his brother, off to find a new home for the Æsir.

“What exactly happened?”, Clint interrupted your thoughts. He sat on the kitchen counter, eyeing the three of you. He held an enormous sandwich in his hand, a coffee mug in the other, and seemed incredibly relaxed. You could not relate, it felt like electricity ran through your veins. Ignoring Nat’s indignant ‘Clint!’ he tilted his head curiously.

“We…had a discussion.”

“Yeah but why were you so outraged? Sure, he’s a trickster ‘n’ stuff, but I thought you two got along?” Your teeth dug into your bottom lip and your brows twitched a little.

“Barton, you’re making her uncomfortable”, Nat replied and leaned further back in her armchair. Bruce was still quietly fiddling with his fingers, he seemed to think about something.

“No he’s…hm. It’s stupid I suppose.”

They looked at you expectantly, so you had no choice.

“Okay, I, uh, am quite fond of Mister- of Tony. You know, he’s like…like a guardian or something, he has helped me a lot in the past and is always so nice and asks me when he has to make an important decision.” You made a break to see their reaction. Clint was eating again, Natasha had a pokerface, and you didn’t know whether Bruce was even listening.

“ Anyways…Loki understood that, and he was there for me that night in China-”, now Nat rose a brow,“ no no, not like that! He, uh…was nice. But back in New York he told Tony and I was - and still am - horrified that he might make fun of it or fires me…that things will be weird. As a result I was rude to Loki, although he had only tried to be nice. And now he’s out there thinking I hate him too, like everyone else. ”

You felt your stomach grew tighter and a sudden nausea overcame you.

“ Oh honey”, Natasha sighed and leaned forward to pet your head.

“I’m sure he understands that you were just hurt. If what you said about his past is true, he should know the situation.”

You nodded and gave your best effort to hold the tears back. You still felt beyond horrible, but them being so nice and helpful despite not liking Loki warmed your heart a little.

“You’re right. Next time I see Thor, I’ll ask him.” Even though it would take weeks, possibly months or years…

You felt an arm around your shoulder and the couch gave in next to you. Clint had come over and nodded at Nat’s words.

“Of course, don’t worry so much. It’s gonna be okay.”

“Maybe there’s another way.” You looked over at Bruce, surprised that he had listened.

“Yes?”

“There’s someone who might be able to get you to Loki…if he wants.” He frowned and mumbled something. That cryptic answer didn’t satisfy you.

“Who would that be?”

Bruce looked up to you.

“His name is Dr. Strange.”

They were quiet, as if the name meant something great. Who was that? A legend or something?

You had to interrupt the heavy silence.

“And his real name?”

“Dr. Stephen Strange”, Bruce replied with a sigh, as if he had to explain that on a daily basis.

“Oh. How, uh…convenient. And where do I find this man?”

Dr. Banner shrugged.

“I don’t know, I barely know him. He’s fought with us and I know he played a big role in the fight against the big purple…but I don’t know where he lives.”

“He’s what now?”

“Doesn’t matter”, Clint cut in.

“No no, every time I ask about this fight you change the-”

“You could ask Tony”, Nat interrupted, “I think he was at his place before.” With an internal sigh you took the bait.

“Of course he would…ugh, I guess I have to talk to him anyway. Hope this won’t get awkward.”

A few minutes later you made your way to Tony’s floor, although everything inside you told you to go back.

“Mister Stark? Do you have a minute, Sir?”, you asked with a knock on the open door. He was sitting on a couch in his private rooms, a magazine opened in his lap.

“Come in, I need your help first”, he said, eyes glued to the pages. A confused little frown sat on his forehead and you saw him drumming his fingers on his thigh.

“Of course, what can I do for you?” Surprised at his not-awkward behaviour you walked over until you stood behind the couch, looking over his shoulder.

“Which one of them, Y/N? Pepper made me chose and I am losing my mind.”

You took a closer look. It was a catalogue of baby articles, the particular side showed cribs in all shapes and colours.

“Aww they’re all adorable”, you smiled and tried to make out the best. They appeared in every shape and colour, and you easily understood Tony’s dilemma.

“This one, if you ask me. It looks pretty, but not silly.”

You pointed at a round wooden crib with little orange ornaments.

“Stark Jr will sleep like a little prince or princess in there.”

Tony nodded and smiled dreamily at the image you painted , making you warm and fuzzy inside. He deserved that so much after everything he’d been through, you were awfully happy for him.

“I suppose… Thank you. Um, anyway, you wanted something?” He turned his head to look at you. Still, there was no sign of a grin or a sarcastic comment. Either he didn’t care about it, or he noticed how uncomfortable the topic had made you.

“Yes…um…can you tell me where Dr. Strange lives?”

He rose his brows and tilted his head a little.

“Strange? How do you know him?”

“I don’t…he was…suggested for my kind of problem.”

“You have a…brain problem?”

“What? No”, you replied blushing, “I need to…can you just tell me?”

Tony seemed confused, but he nodded.

“Well, I trust you, but even if I tell you there’s no guarantee he’ll help. He’s a little special.”

“I can try, don’t you think?”

“Sure. I could give him a call to tell him I sent you.”

You beamed. “You’d do that for me?”

“Of course, don’t be silly Y/N. You’re important to me.”

Your smile grew even brighter. He wrote down an adress and handed it to you, wishing you good luck again.

[kpop-stole-my-sanity]

Insomnia // Hwang Hyunjin [bulleted scenario!]

Summary: In which you and Hyunjin are both too oblivious to realize your true feelings... until it’s too late? 

Genre: angsty, floooof, gender neutral 

Word Count: 2175

Warnings: Just some cursing 

A/N: This is my first time writing a bulleted scenario and i quite enjoyed it :) idk it’s fun to not care about settings too much and punctuation and stuff. I also liked adding my own little dumb remarks here are there :PP it was fuN! This was another scenario that kinda arose while i was napping i hope you guys enjoy it! <3 i love stray kids 

i’m also gonna try to make all my scenarios gender neutral from now on (unless specifically requested) b/c we are all about inclusivity here !! :)

This was originally gonna be like a real fic

But the writers block was REAL like i really tried to set the scene and everything

But it didn’t turn out right

And i really wanted to get this one out so HERE WE ARE TRYING THE BULLETED SCENARIO OKAY YAY LETS BEGIN!

Trainee au!! Kinda :D

Like skz didnt go through the survival show yet

Ok so SEtting thE SCeNe~~~~

You just walked into the jyp building bc jyp hired you as a new producer

Like to study under him and potentially help w producing in the future

Like jyp 2.0 ya know

Jyp meets w you himself bc you’re like a prodigy

And a foreigner so he thought you’d be more comfortable w him speaking toyou in english :D

So he explained what you gotta do during your training period

Like studying more about composition and production

Learning korean to more easily communicate w idols and what not

And also honing your own style and figuring out who you are as an artist

So he pairs you up w the trainees bc it be good practice

More specifically skz bc they seem to have a more flexible style

Also like he thought it would be good for you to work w chan and the rest of 3racha

Like bc yall around the same age

And it helps you become more comfy

And familiar w the company and the producing rooms and recording studios and what no

Like

Yer

And then like

Through working w them to produce a song for the trainee showcase

Yall get mad close

And like

You have your eyes on hyunjin from the start

Like bc who couldn’t

Like

Gorgeous boy

At first you were just like “this is admiration”

“He very handsome i just admire his features”

Yeah

And maybe it was..

At first

Now it's a full blown crush

Like

For real

That boy is so hard working

Like you constantly see him asking for help

So he can improve

And like

People always said he was a visual only

Which made you feel bad that you saw that at first 

But you realized later

That like

You actually like him bc of his personality

What a hard worker 

For real

Angel

Anyways

Little did you know that your crush was NOT one sided

Hyunjin admired your hard work in producing

And how you always took criticism well and only worked to improve your work

Also

He thought you were hella cute

So yall were both kinda obvious

Him more than you

Like by a loT

So skz knew for a fact that hyunjin was head over heels in love w you so they pushed him to confess to you

Yeah he was like no

But after PEEr pRessUre

He finally agreed

They was gonna plan something like a party for you

To celebrate the time you’ve been w the company

But the showcase came before the celebration and suddenly they were on a survival show to see who would debut

So the party was postponed OOOODDDDD

But you didnt even know it was gonna happen so you didnt mind anyways

Soon enough it got closer to your birthday, and skz just decided to make it a birthday celebration instead

Hyunjin was more iffy about confessing bc what if you dont feel the same and he ruins your bday oh no

But at this point, skz was sure you liked him back so they were like dont worry about that they aren’t like that your relationship will be fine

So the party happens ladida

You were super surprised and sosososososo happy

Bc like

Your hart

These boys were precious and totally made your day

Tbh bc of your work

You almost forgot it was your birthday

After the crazy loud party, you wanted to like take some quiet time for yourself so you excused yourself

And then walked to the hallway and sat by the window and looked out at the city and the night sky

Beautiful

And suddenly you heard footsteps

It was this boy named jason who you were friends with

He was from the same town you were from so you got close p quickly when you first got to jyp

And jason had a not-so-secret crush on you

That ofc you were oblivious to

But he came over there to spend time w you and wish you happy bday

Little did you know

Hyunijn was mentally preparing himself to confess to you down the hall and around the corner w a pretty bouquet of flowers what a sweet boy

And when he finally works up the courage, he turns the corner and sees jason giving you a bday hug 

And he cant help but feel his hart drop

Yall look good together and like you were from the same town so similarities

So he was heartbroken needless to say

 He quickly turned around and walked away

But you heard the footsteps and saw just a glance of his outfit retreating

You excused yourself from jason’s company and ran after him bc you are so in love w this boy

You were gonna hug him and thank him, but when you approached he took a step back

Like ow

That hurt

He quickly stammered that he had to go home bc he was tired and left

He was hiding the flowers behind his back :’(

And then tossed them as soon as he left the building

He went for a long ass walk to clear his mind and soothe his aching heart

You were so worried

Was he okay?

You went home soon after bc you couldnt help but worry and that made you super tired

But you couldn't sleep

InsOMniA

Goddamn it hyunjin

You messaged him

“you’re prob sleeping but i hope you feel better”

Dry ass reply: “thx”

Like wow

Rude

But you let it go

jic he was actually really exhausted

You knew he took criticism from the show too so maybe it was that

Hopefully he’d talk to you about it bc he usually did

But he didn't

He avoided you

Your heart really couldnt take it

Meanwhile you and jason got closer bc you didnt have hyunjin to hang out w anymore

Despite your many efforts

And this just further fuels his belief that yall are together

So to ignore the tinge in his heart every time he saw you, he buried himself in practice

Didn't sleep

Didnt drink enough water

Didnt eat enough

He was getting dangerously skinny and unhealthy

And it affected his attitude

Not only to you but to his members

One day you were asked to come in and monitor a recording session

And he was happy and giggly in front of the camera

But as soon as it turned off u could see the fatigue

And you told him that he should take better care of himself

And he SNAPPEd at you

 You actually flinched bc he was so aggressive

Your heart SHATTEREd

And you, also sleep deprived as FUCk

Slapped him

Not super hard, but like a “what the fuck is wrong with you”

And you walked right out, not even bothering to hide your tears

And he was sad but he thought that you hating him would help him get over you

What a dumb boy

You completely avoided him after that

You also still had restless nights 

God that convo kept playing over and over in your head

YOU COULDNT SLEEP

But one day you got a call from chan

He needed your help

Hyunjin was seriously overworking himself and he was afraid hyunjin was gonna collapse

Luckily you were still at the company working on smth bc ofc you couldn't sleep anyways so might as well make use of your time

So you finally agree bc even if you’re still angry at him, you are srsly worried about this boy

And when you get to the dance room your heart breaks all over again

Hes so pale

And sickly looking

And hes shaking but hes still dancing

You knock and hear a gruff “its open”

The music pauses for a moment but when he sees its you he scoffs and turns it back on

“what do you want”

“Uhm.. are you okay?”

“Why? You wanna slap me again to make me feel better?”

Ofc you rolled your eyes bc wtf hyunjin you were being nice

“I dont even know why i bothered”

You go over to the stereo and turn it off yourself

And he turns to you angry

ARGUMENT TIME

Him: “WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?”

“MY PROBLEM?!!!?!?? YOU’RE THE ONE WHO PUSHED ME AWAY FOR NO DAMN REASON!! AND EVEN AFTER ALL THAT, I STILL TRIED TO BE NICE AND ASK IF YOU WERE OKAY. I WAITED FOR YOU TO OPEN UP TO ME. TO TALK TO ME ABOUT WHATEVER WAS BOTHERING YOU!”

At this point, you’re practically sobbing like udk if he can understand you but who cares

All this frustration that was pent up inside felt good being released

Bc at this point, you had nothing more to lose

Hyunjin already hated you so like why not just speak your mind amirite

 Anyways continuing w the dialogue:

“HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT MY PROBLEM WHEN MY PROBLEM IS YOU!”

Cue awkward pause/break thing (AWKwARD SiLEncE)

“What are you talking about hyunjin?”

He sighed defeatedly

It was now or never. He felt like his relationship w you was ruined already anyways

So he, like you, also had a ‘what do i have to lose’ mentality

“I was going to confess to you y/n. That night at your birthday party. But i was too late. I saw you with jason and you looked so happy and perfect together.  So i left. I cut my ties with you because i didn’t want my own feelings to get in the way of your happiness.”

You were completely utterly speechless

Like there were an overwhelming number of feelings enveloping you atm

Bc on the one hand:

The love of your life just confessed to you

But on the other

Like

What a dumbass

You end up laughing and scoffing at his words bc

Hes so dumb

You dont like jason

God you’ve been in love w hyunjin for so goddamn long

And now you’re debating over how to respond

But like your anger and frustration kinda takes precedence bc youre also sleep deprived and you go

“ so, you broke your own heart and then you broke mine because you didn’t want to talk to me about it you dumbass ????”

And he gives you that classic confused puppy-dog look

W the head tilt and everything

And you go

“Hwang hyunjin, i’m fucking in love with you”

And he just stares blankly at you and blinks like 8 times trying to comprehend what just came out of your mouth

And his lips form an ‘o’ shape

And then hes coming closer and wrapping his arms around you

And you dont even mind that hes still sweaty and kinda smelly

Bc hes finally in your arms

But holding him so close also makes you super aware of just how skinny he’s gotten

Like it was worse than you thought

So you pull back and you open your mouth to chastise him

But before you can even start he’s cupping your cheeks can pulling your face to his

Your lips collide and then they're molding into one another

And your mind kinda blanks out

But your automatic reaction seems to be letting your fingers run through his hair and pulling him closer towards you

And when yall finally come up for breath

He tries to go in for another one like immediately after

Like slow your roll boy you guys can kiss all you want later

If you said that out loud, he wouldve responded w something like “we gotta make up for lost time”

But you put your hands on his chest and hold him back

And he pouts

(you almost squeal at how cute he looks)

“Ok, now that we’re dating, i am literally commanding you to take better care of yourself because this,” you eye him up and down, “is unacceptable”

And he quirks an eyebrow up and is like

Oh? I don’t recall asking you out? On a date?”

And you get all blushing and become a blubbering mess and hide your face in his chest like

“Shut up hyunjin”

But he’s just giggling at your embarrassed face :D

Then, him being the dramatic hoe that he is, he gets down on one knee in front of you and says

“y/n, y/l/n, will you go out on a date with me?”

And ofc u say yes

And after that whole dramatic scene, you pull him out of the practice room, fingers intertwined, ready to stuff him with food

And he goes

“I dont think i said it back.”

“Said what back?”

“That i love you”

UWU

And the rest is history

[iconsumeheadcanons]

April 18&19:How did you feel when you learned about autism? Do you Script?

Edit: if anyone has any advice for accessibility services at american colleges i NEED it please (or at least somewhere else i can find advice)

I was like 14 when i read up symptoms bc my bff told me he is autistic, and i found i related to a LOT of what i read (even tho it was just the stuff from someone under A$ :/) and the more dug, the more i found that explained...me. Before then, my dad would make jokes about how i was ‘just a little autistic’ (NOT RUDE JOKE i promise!! He is also ‘a little autistic’ he just never had the resources or the need for that knowledge until i was born lol) and i had a realisation that he was very very right.

I kept the relevations to myself bc my mom didnt believe me about the auditory processing disorder thing, and i was also very suicidal so she had other worries (sorry momma :( i promise i love living now!!). When i found the community here on tumblr and the more i heard from my bff, the more i understood about myself and more i felt understood by someone.

Recently ive had so many struggles with school that intertwinned with my mental illnesses and my autism so my dad is trying to get me official assistance (though im really worried about the cost and disability bullshit in the us)(but im also really worried about the future too). I feel empowered to see friends on here openly being themselves, to see visual stim blogs bc i love them a lot, and to fully connect with my bff openly, but im worried for how i will fair in the future :(  if any adults here have any advice and/or experience, i would love it lots!

I actually did not know what scripting was b4 this month. I think its like planning conversations and convo patterns? If thats it, i kinda do it unconsciously? Ive done it mostly for anxiety when i order from restaurants or ask for help from my teachers. I Desperately need scripting for writing essays tho, and i dont always get it. I cant do timed essays or “word vomit” bc i know it needs some sort of structure but i dont know how to do that on my own. I was great at writing in middle school bc we did the whole 5 paragraphs things, but now that im in IB w very little structures i am struggle train.