#emotional distance that i have never experienced before in friendships

[msdk-00]

i really don't understand how one can have a close friendship where the other person doesn't open up or be vulnerable at all

[yourpsicodelicbitch]

chiron observations ❤️‍🩹

TW: it’s chiron, you k what’s coming.

natal south node 9H opposition solar chiron 3H in retrograde: lesson i was meant to live, in this case about communication. later on that year, I communicated the situation -I needed help- but throughout that time I was struggling to process the information. south node 9H represents the knowledge i acquired and the lesson i had to experienced to let others know about that knowledge. retrograde shows difficulties on expressing themselves, scared of being judged, delays, etc.

solar moon conjunct natal chiron: wounds who were deeply hidden in the past, that you didn’t remember, are now in front of your eyes and you cannot stop but observe directly. injustices with your mom, resentfulness and emotions you could not hide anymore are now part of your daily routine. it’s like someone hits you with a rock and you can’t stop bleeding/crying.

syrinx (3360) aspecting chiron: it’s giving fear of rejection, literally, that’s your trauma. asteroid syrinx represents your attitude towards rejection and high expectations towards you. I have it in opposition, through my whole life I have been what others wanted me to be. I, even as a child, controlled my respiration to not disturbed others. a period of time I suffered bc I believed with all my soul I shouldn’t live bc of the high expectations, rejection, I wasn’t able to fit in the box, I tried to. it’s been a whole process, to acknowledge -of course- I don’t want and don’t have to be what others want me to be to be happy. I share this to show how you can use what you’ve struggled with and turn it into something you can master, take advantage of it for your own good: the power of chiron.

solar chiron trine natal venus: you’re experiencing what venus represents -relationships, every kind, etc.-, what you craved for a long time, but chiron it’s not gonna bring it up pretty. you’re learning through these experiences. depends on the aspect the intensity and type. in this case, it’s happening -what your natal venus craves- but you’ll learn to confront the situation -bc of the trine aspect that kinda shows the intensity chiron has-. and it’s not going to be as you wished at first… for example, my bestie went on her first date -she’s a hopeless romantic but won’t show it- but she didn’t like the guy and then she told him and that guy dated her friend, she was shocked and obviously affected but then she stood up. for a long time she struggled to make friends, in this period of time finally she got their gurls, but at the begging there were difficulties she turned out to handle really well.

chiron 6H in mars return chart could mean difficulties on your health, keeping up with a sport? routine, have a routine, you could find yourself stressed out about it. you’re starting to analyze more things.

the degree of your chiron in sr chart can tell about your attitude in front of that situation, house would indicate what type of situation you’re dealing with.

example

⤥ solar chiron 11H 17° (leo degree): after my birthday -after solar return starts- i had a “fight” with a “friend” of the group I was part of, and besides that, I was starting to not feeling it with the friend group. it was a journey of a domino effect were I opened my eyes and saw they weren’t sparkling anymore -for me-. so i decided to distance myself, to start a journey of “standing by myself”. I started to do shit by myself, focusing that energy -used on others- on me. it’s giving developed leo energy.

the aspects chiron has represents how you deal with trauma, in any type of chart.

example

⤥ trine natal lilith 7H 18° (virgo degree): continuing with the chiron mentioned before, I struggled with my friendship so I “rebelled” to the situation I wasn’t comfortable with and started to be more independent -some characteristics lilith (mean) represents-. nowadays and never I think, it has been seen as good to do what you want to do without masks. in this case, I left the group and opened my eyes about the girl I “fought”, since the beginning she had some envy attitudes towards me I couldn’t decipher. 7H also represents enemies. virgo degree it’s at it finest when I stopped and analyzed the whole situation, being picky.

i don’t want to misinform or alarm the ones who are reading this, pls don’t take this seriously, it’s an observation I made based on others experiences, this post is not a must do book.

having a lot of chiron aspects in sr it’s giving you’re gonna experience something really traumatic. I’ve seen the solar return charts of family who lost their son/brother, between the year they’ve lost him and the other year, there’s more than 4 aspects. I believe it’s bc of the trauma effect. HOWEVER, pls remember the warning I made earlier.

9H chiron opposition saturn: I have a friend who was born in another country but she stays in another but she has to come back to her natal country to maintain her nationality. she told me his older brother had to be the “dad” bc her parents go back and ford to that another country for work, this means she lacks of a stable father figure, someone who’ll be strict with her, someone who she can support herself, and authority. could be loners.

urania (30) aspecting chiron: urania represents astrology/astronomy/cosmology. in greek mythology, urania was one of the nine muses, the goddess of the topics mentioned before and of universal love and holy spirit. when’s aspecting chiron, that represents how we can grow from our suffer, how we transform that pain and traumatic event that impacted our lives. it appears this connection. astrology is used as a way of healing, of knowing themselves. introspection. feel seen and being even shocked by how accurate astrology can be and how it makes you feel understood. I LOVE YOU SO FCKING MUCH ASTROLOGY THANKYOU BC OF YOU IM ALIVE HDHKWBFND. I have that aspect 🧍‍♀️-this was on my drafts on a post called “astrology helped to heal”, should I post it?

(*ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈)ꕤ૮꒰ྀི⸝⸝> . <⸝⸝꒱ྀིა ∗ ࣪ ˖༺ ♡ ༻˖ ࣪ ∗ */ᐠ - ˕ -マ✩ (˶˃ᆺ˂˶)∗ ࣪

♡ Based on personal experience and I’ve analyzed in my surroundings.

♡ English is not my first language.

♡ I’m not a profesional astrologer.

Thank youu. baibaiii🫣🫶🏼💋

Do not copy. Please give me credits.

[celluloidbroomcloset]

I wrote a bit ago why Stede's coming-out narrative resonated with me, but I was considering more about how it's different from a lot of coming-out narratives in mainstream media.

Cinematic coming-out narratives tend to centralize the more public aspect of the revelation—often coming from a character who has known about or discovered their sexuality earlier in the story, followed by their coming out to friends or family members (often to disparate reactions). But Stede’s coming out is a simultaneous moment of self-knowledge and openness with the one person in his English life with whom he has been most intimate, and who has been most damaged (other than himself) by him.

I’ve seen it mentioned elsewhere that it’s interesting to have a gay man ask a straight woman what it’s like to be in love and to have her words help to bring his repressed feelings into form. The entire sequence is an acknowledgment of Stede and Mary's affinity with each other, reinforced by the combination of intimacy and distance that is a part of their married life. It happens in an intimate setting, in their bedroom, but we've seen how very non-intimate the bedroom is, where they either barely touch in bed or crowd each other out, get dressed and undressed with their backs turned, and where Stede refuses to talk about his emotions or desires.

But in the coming-out scene, for the first time, we see warmth in their room. There's a fire, and both are in their night clothes; Mary's hair is down, and Stede is without his nightcap. The effect is that they're more apparently comfortable with each other, despite the circumstances, than they've ever been before. Stede realizes that his existence has stopped Mary from experiencing her life. He sees that she’s found something to be passionate about with her art, that she's in love with Doug, and he wants to understand her.

There’s an open question of whether Stede has known about his attraction to men and simply repressed it or tried to ignore it, or whether he wasn't even aware of it. The sexual freedom fostered on the Revenge doesn’t seem to include his own sexuality. His relationship with Ed progresses like a friendship - and while they perform things like a divorce, it never appears that Stede is consciously aware that his feelings are not solely friendship, but sexual attraction and romantic love.

Which makes sense if we note that Stede has no friends, certainly no close ones, at home. He can sit in a pub and talk to people, but he’s not close to them (he’s isolated at the head of the table, rather than in the center of the group, and even mocked when he's the center of attention). The closest person he has to a friend is Mary, with whom he has to live and who also struggles to understand him. He doesn’t know what friendship really feels like, either.

Stede has no one else that he could be honest with, or even hope to talk to beyond superficialities. Even then, it takes an extreme act, starting with his rant at the art gallery and ending with her trying to kill him, to break down the barriers enough for them to talk. Where Stede is able to talk more intimately with Lucius and Frenchie and Ed, it takes near death for him to talk to his wife.

Certainly the coming out seems to be not a discovery of feelings but an actualization of them. Mary’s description puts into words what he's been experiencing, possibly his whole life. And for Stede, words and stories are deeply powerful—they're the way he enters into pirate life, the way he tries to understand himself and others. Talking, reading, and writing are fundamental parts of his self-expression, and so his coming out occurs through a story another person tells him. He plays pirates with his children, he reads to the crew, he asks for Ed's stories, he talks himself into roles like "the Gentleman Pirate." He participates in stories as a way of expressing the reality of who he is and who he wants to be. He needs to be able to put his feelings into words before he can ever fully express them.

So often cinematic coming-out scenes are framed as dangerous—how the other person, or people, will react. But there's no danger here. The danger is that Stede won't embrace the feelings that he has, which is put to rest even as Mary talks and we see the images of his past with Ed.

The scene centralizes Stede, not Mary, but it also does not ignore her. There’s no hesitation when he says “...I think I have,” or when he says, “His name is Ed.” Neither line is thrown off as an afterthought—he meets Mary’s eyes, he emphasizes his words. He’s clear that he’s talking about a man. He simultaneously comes out to her and to himself.

It is important that she's present for that, because Stede does need someone else to hear his words. He's a storyteller, and he needs to draw others into the stories that have formed such a part of his life. It isn't so much that Stede needs someone to perform to, but someone to enter the story with him, to make the words real.

Here, Mary draws him into her story of being in love. And he in turn asks her to hear the beginning of the story that he's concealed from everyone, including himself: "His name is Ed."

[kilibaggins]

Promise | Daryl Dixon

Daryl Dixon x Reader

A/N: I've loved daryl dixon since middle school and now i feel like i should try to write him! this was not requested but i really felt like writing for him so here i am.

Summary: Ever since things started slowing down at the prison, and more people started to join the group, Daryl started... Distancing himself from you. You've had enough.

my requests are very much open just so you know! go ahead and request something just read my rules first (its linked in pinned)

Word Count: 1100

The prison has been without incident for two weeks now. A couple weeks ago a fight broke out, and before that, it had been a case of theft… Things that remind you of the old world. Small things compared to some of the big ones you've experienced.

Things seem… Nice. People are starting to flourish, people are starting to grow. You've made new friends, new fellow survivors who you share your days with. It's comforting to know that after everything you have somewhere safe to be, even if only for now.

The only thing is that… Daryl never talks to you.

See, to many people this might be normal. He's Mr. Macho. He's the one that stays secluded and isolated and never talks unless he has to but… This is different. He's always been different with you. You've always been the one who tries your best to check on him, to care for him, even when he's pushing himself away.

Even back on Hershel's farm, when he kept his tent far away, you walked out there every day to check on him and keep him company. When Andrea accidentally shot him and he seemed to be on death's door you were the one to help him through that.

Once the farm got overrun, and you all started frantically trying to find a new place to be, you two had gotten even closer. He'd watch your back, and you'd try to watch his, it was as great as a new friendship could be in a world that has ended.

But after the prison got up and running and after things calmed down he started to… Disappear. When you'd go to find him for hunts he wouldn't be there, or he'd already be gone. When you'd try to do anything with him he'd practically push you into a different group.

You have to admit, it hurts. You thought things were going well, but all of a sudden he's completely cold-shouldering you.

It's been a long day, and in your frustration, you realize that all you want is the man you had once thought of as your best friend. Daryl. You huff and climb on the long stairs of the prison up to the back where Daryl put his cell. Pretty much as far away from everyone as possible, in true Daryl fashion.

“Hey…” You say, leaning against the entranceway to the cell. The cell door is only half closed and you see he's cleaning his bow.

“What?” He asks, instead of saying hello back. You roll your eyes.

“Just wanted to talk for a minute.” You say, trying to smile at him.

“Then talk.” He says, his voice frustrated. You feel the emotion pool up in your chest.

“I just- How have you been? We haven't talked much lately, but-”

“Ya got anything important to say or are ya just here to bug me?” Daryl asks, finally looking up at you. You tear up and turn away, taking a few steps away from the cell.

“Whatever…” You say. Before you make it to the stairs though you pause. You turn around and march to the door. “You know you don't have to be such a jerk.”

“'Scuse me?” Daryl asks, his eyes piercing as he puts down his crossbow.

“You heard me. What is your problem?” You ask, angry. You're done having him ignore you like this. “All I want to do is talk to my best friend for more than ten minutes-”

“Best friend? Please, ya can't be serious.” Daryl snaps. He stands up and throws his arms out. “I ain't yer best friend. Go talk to someone else.”

“What happened to us being close, huh? You used to like being around me.” You say, your voice raising.

“I did like bein’ around ya. But things change.” Daryl says, turning around and picking up his jacket. He always has to be fidgeting with something.

“Why?” You ask, your voice breaking a bit. You cough and shake your head. “Why do things have to change? What did I do wrong?”

“Ya didn't do nothing. Just… Just go be with someone else. I got issues I gotta take care of.” He says. He isn't looking at you, head looking down at the small patch on his jacket that you added.

“… I don't want to be with someone else.” You say.

“Well, ya should!” Daryl suddenly yells. “Go be with someone actually worth somethin’.”

Your heart breaks. You finally step into his cell and walk up to him. He's purposefully avoiding eye contact with you and you reach out and touch his arm. He moves away only for a second before letting you touch him.

“Daryl… You're my best friend. I'm gonna be honest, you're probably more than that, you mean the world to me. You're who I want to be around… Don't tell me you've been pushing me away because of that.”

Daryl doesn't say anything and frowns. He looks at you before looking back down.

“Don't want ya findin' out ya wasted yer time on me,” Daryl says. You reach up and gently tuck his hair behind his ear. He flinches slightly and you frown.

“Let me make that choice, okay?” You say gently.

“But-”

“Let me make my own choices. I want to be around you. I want to talk to you and hang out with you. You're it for me, whether you want it to be romantic or platonic, I want you in my life.” You say. You reach down and straighten his shirt. “Everyone else here doesn't get what we've been through. You do. Do you want me around?”

“Yeah, but-”

“Then you’re stuck with me.” You say, smiling at him.

"M'sorry." He says, as he tries to look away to hide his smile but you catch it anyways.

“There you are.” You say, grinning.

“Stop.” He mumbles, trying to turn away again, his smile getting bigger. You grab his hands turn him back to you and smile widely at him. You love his smile. “Said stop, punk.”

You laugh and lean up to kiss his cheek. You can feel how warm it is.

“Don’t leave me, okay?” You ask, looking up at him. Your smile is gone now, and he can tell you’re serious. “Don’t push me away. Please.”

“A’right. Promise.” He says, shrugging, but he still has that genuine look in his eyes.

“Pinky promise?” You ask, holding out your pinky. He rolls his eyes.

“What're ya, six?”

“Shut up and pinky promise me, Dixon.” You say, laughing. He scoffs and his pinky interlocks with yours.

“Promise.”

[plvuii]

I'm so excited you started writing! I can't believe how amazing all your writings have been so far!

Could I ask for Muichiro getting jealous when he sees the reader getting a letter from another Hashira? It could be whoever, but I also really love Obanai so maybe him hehehe.

Please do not rush or burn yourself out ok! Take breaks when you need them!

A Green-Eyed Hashira: Muichiro Tokito. Muichiro confronts his inner turmoil of jealousy, mustering the courage to express a drop of his true feelings as he watches you receive a letter from the snakey Obanai.

The morning sun bathed the Demon Slayer Corps headquarters in a warm glow, casting a serene ambiance over the bustling courtyard. As you made your way through the familiar paths, a small smile played on your lips. Today, you were expecting a letter from Obanai, a fellow Hashira whose stoic demeanor had intrigued you from the moment you joined the Corps.

Unbeknownst to you, Muichiro had caught a glimpse of the letter as you received it, his keen eyes not missing the familiar handwriting. A pang of jealousy struck his heart, an unfamiliar and unsettling sensation. He had never experienced such emotions before, but the sight of you receiving a letter from another Hashira stirred something deep within him.

As you opened the letter, a soft blush dusted your cheeks, your eyes scanning the words with a mix of curiosity and anticipation. Muichiro couldn't help but steal glances at your reaction from a distance, his gaze clouded with a mixture of worry and jealousy.

Unable to bear the unease any longer, Muichiro approached you, his usual calm demeanor slightly faltering. "___," he called out, his voice tinged with a hint of uncertainty.

You turned towards him, the letter still clutched in your hand. "Oh, Muichiro! Good morning," you greeted him with a warm smile. "Did you need something?"

Muichiro hesitated for a moment, his gaze flickering to the letter before meeting your eyes. "I couldn't help but notice that you received a letter from Obanai," he confessed, his voice barely above a whisper.

A flicker of surprise crossed your face, followed by understanding. "Oh, this?" you said, holding up the letter. "It's just a friendly correspondence. Obanai and I have been exchanging letters about our experiences as Hashiras."

Muichiro's tense expression softened slightly, his jealousy giving way to a mix of relief and curiosity. "I see... So, it's nothing more than that?"

You shook your head, a reassuring smile playing on your lips. "No, Muichiro. I value our friendship, and I value you. The letters are simply a way for us to share knowledge and support each other as comrades."

Muichiro's shoulders relaxed, a weight lifting off his chest. "I'm glad to hear that," he admitted, his voice tinged with a hint of vulnerability. "I… was worried that I might lose you to someone like Obanai."

You stepped closer to him, your hand reaching out to gently touch his arm. "Muichiro, you mean a lot to me. Our bond goes beyond letters or friendships with other Hashiras. You're special to me, and no one else can replace that."

A soft blush crept onto Muichiro's cheeks, his gaze meeting yours with a mix of gratitude and affection. "Thank you, ___," he murmured, his voice filled with sincerity. "I care about you too—more than I can express."

At that moment, the tension between you dissolved, replaced by a shared understanding and a newfound closeness. Muichiro's jealousy had brought forth his true feelings, and you were grateful for the opportunity to reassure him and strengthen your connection.

With a gentle smile, you reached out and took his hand, intertwining your fingers.

[theghostbunnie]

Guys do you remember when I made a whole post about how David's care for the camp over the seasons went from being about the legacy to attachment to the actual campers themselves instead do you remember that guys

⚠️Spoilers for new episode ahead ⚠️

All of the campers are assholes in varying ways they ALL rag oh each other I've been saying this for forever but they all still have a baseline of being friends and this is showcased well in the butterfinger effect by Max specifically he refers to all of them as his friends. Yes not all of the campers are BEST friends, obviously, some of them even having a distinct annoyance with each other (Max and Ered specifically) but they all still have a FONDNESS for each other regardless

Neil and Nikki have been bullied before, as brought up in the episode the flower scouts are introduced and the one Jeremy is introduced. They have a history of not only being outcasts and not included (like 90% of the campers there) but being OUTRIGHT DISLIKED. This is why in foreign exchange campers they both have a PANIC over the thought Max is replacing them bc he's most likely their very first friend!!!

I don't believe Max has been bullied before as he just distances himself from people. He creates walls. He's experienced loneliness more. (To protect himself bc he "finally had something to lose" in the camp corp episode he calls them temporary to their faces and Neil blinks away a tear. He obviously was emotionally attached to them but didn't want to admit it or get emotional and instead denied it so it would hurt less for himself not caring in the moment if it hurt them)

and that is really reiterated this whole episode. While Nikki and Neil are the ones panicking way more over being hated in the first half (Max even telling them at one point they shouldn't care) Max is the one upset more in the SECOND half at the thought of not seeing them again.

The "I'm not sad I'm livid" IS SO MAX SO MANY PPL MISCHARACTERIZE HIM AS A CRYBABYYY NOOOO HE'S PISSSEDDD, HIS FIRST RESPONSE TO THINGS HE CAN'T EMOTIONALLY HANDLE WELL IS TO BE MADDDD OR RUDE OR IN DENIAL okay sorry back on track

This episode and the camp corp episode really really reiterate it is not camp campbell itself that makes the place great. It's the people. The people are the heart of it. Things got better when they brought themselves together. To help David with the bonfire because Max cared about David's emotional wellbeing not hitting the ground floor. To help raise money to save the camp from shutting down. To give up spending the rest of the summer doing their individual hobbies they got SCAMMED OUT OF and instead spend time WITH EACH OTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Neil saying goodbye to David and basically saying for a science camp that basically didn't have any fucking science it sure was great.

Gwen saying THANKS FOR NOTHING CAMP CAMPBELL 🖕 and then immediately after saying "and thank you for everything, David"

CAMP CAMPBELL ISN'T ABOUT THE CAMP IT'S ABOUT THE PEOPLE IN IT

Why else would Max still be okay if the place physically burnt down? BC He'd be HAPPY TO DO IT WITH HIS FRIENDS. HE LOVES MAKING PLANS AND AND SCHEMES AND CAUSING CHAOS, WHAT HE LOVED FROM THE VERY FIRST SEASON NEVER CHANGED. HE JUST FIGURED OUT HOW TO LET HIMSELF BE OPEN TO CARING ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE NOT NATURE OR A HOBBY.

He's mad he finally let himself care, that he let that wall down in the camp corp episode, that he grew attached to Nikki and Neil and even admitted it to them later and now it was all being "taken away from him." For a moment he thinks it would've been better to have never known happiness and friendship at all then to have known it and lost it. """You'll maybe be happy again at some point, kid ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯""" that's what he thinks he's being told and of course he's mad as hell over it until David and him have a heart to heart.

Max didn't want to leave, Max learned to love being at camp, BECAUSE OF THE FRIENDS THERE!

[lakesbian]

Hey there you’ve broadened my understanding of alec greatly through your posts. I kind of skimmed over his stuff previously cause he didn’t seem like a deep character but he is!

Anyways, I’m going to ask a question to wash down the praise. I’d like to see if I can get any more alec stuff out of you by telling you what I used to think (I say I, maybe this take has come up before, but I haven’t seen).

Basically I used to think that alec really was emotionless, unless he was controlling other people. But he only knew what negative emotion was like because the people he controlled weren’t exactly willing participants until Aisha. Through controlling hwr consensually he experienced positive feelings and this is want inspired his “passing taylor on the opposite track of the morality rail” and his eventual sacrifice for Aisha. Thoughts?

he's a shallow puddle but he's My favorite shallow puddle and there are actually 5 inches of water in the puddle when most people only think there is 1 inch.

anyway yeah that's basically not correct, alec's power is about (among other things) intense dissociation/literally only being able to feel emotions from a distance. presuming him to be 'emotionless' (<- this is kind of a vague term that seems like it comes with loaded connotations) is simply not correct because his entire thing is that he's had to cope/psychologically protect himself from his trauma by completely shutting down his ability to notice/'feel' or interpret his own emotions. all that hurt he felt as a smaller kid got packed into a box and chained up and tossed into the basement of his mind, because he just literally could not process it without completely crashing and becoming unable to keep himself alive. and he's still not in a safe place to start unpacking any of it, so he still remains almost completely oblivious to when he's, e.g., upset or nervous.

the other thing about his power is that it's got the irony of meaning that he can force people to protect him or act like they care about him, but he can never make them actually care about him. it speaks 2 the deep deep loneliness he felt as a kid and the way he was coerced into a cycle of abuse centered in large part around the notion that he would never receive love or physical affection or emotional intimacy or respect or anything unless he violently took it. so he can Pretend people want to be with him using his power, but he knows it's an act, and he can feel their palpable hatred the entire time. (<- the way his power enables incredibly deep and intimate understanding of other ppls emotions is also deeply indicative of what he's desperate for.)

with aisha, using his power consensually, it's letting him understand the first friend he's ever had in the closest way possible. he's actively Feeling that she cares about him & trusts him & wants to be close to him, and gaining a mental map for powerful emotions that have been rare in his life until then. it's not the first time he's ever Had Any Positive Feelings but it Is the first time he's ever had a connection like this. and it Is something he's been desperate for since he was very small and little. a lot of his worst behavior is driven by anger and hurt over being lonely & traumatized that he has no understanding of how to parse or vent appropriately, so i do think having a second person to bounce off of helps him sort himself out in a way that lowers the chances of him having another joker moment. so you could say his friendship w aisha contributes a bit to his improved moral compass. but we also do see that he's overall making slow upwards progress either way, and his joker moment is more of a backslide due to varying factors than his Usual.

the part where it's literally the only positive close connection he's ever had in his entire ass fucking life is why he kills himself for her though yeah. he has very little to live for other than Little Treats and the vague idea of being better than/getting revenge on his father prior 2 meeting aisha, and he ultimately realizes that her friendship is so meaningful to him that his life would just feel worthless without her in it, and he would rather die for the chance that the best person he's ever met will get to keep going. it's sad as hell. guy who gets one (1) friendship in his entire life and just genuinely does not have much of anything to live for outside of it. my alec essays tag isnt perfectly up to date but it gets into the explanations for a lot of this if you havent read it all already

[the--highlanders]

I hope you don't mind me asking but what are your favourite Jamie EU stories?

oh my god not at all, I never mind being asked about my favourite little guy <33

I'm gonna break this down by media type, but there's some parts of the eu like comics that I'm not super familiar with, so if anyone wants to add some of those on (or any other eu stories) then go ahead!!

putting this under a cut because it got LONG rip

big finish

the jigsaw war

jamie is trapped inside a puzzle, experiencing events out of order, and has to figure out how to escape. this is THE audio for me in terms of like. recognising that jamie isn't stupid just because he comes from the eighteenth century. he really gets to shine on his own rather than being relegated to 'dumb exposition prompter' (which I feel like some audios can be kinda guilty of.....) also the fact that two and jamie canonically have a strong enough connection to form a psychic link over long distances makes me chew through glass. this audio GETS it in a way some others just don't.

the glorious revolution

two, jamie, and zoe travel back to the time of the glorious revolution, the event that set the jacobite cause in motion, and jamie grapples with not being able to change the past. if you saw that audio snippet going around a couple days ago you'll have an idea of why I'm reccing this one. it has been a while since I've listened to it & I do really want to relisten and check it out for historical accuracy. but regardless it's another one that gives jamie some of the depth he deserves, this time in terms of emotional depth and his feelings about his backstory.

the selachian gambit

two, jamie, ben, and polly get caught in the middle of an alien bank heist. this one is pretty focused on ben, polly, and jamie as a trio - they're largely taking on the action while two keeps the detective work of the plot chugging along. jamie doesn't hugely stand out here in terms of the audio really adding something to his character, but it does show his dynamic with ben and polly pretty well. in particular there's some great scenes with him and ben working together, and I love their friendship a lot so that's always a good time.

honourable mentions: helicon prime (I do feel this one underutilises jamie a bit and undersells him in some weird ways, but if you're looking for two/jamie content you can't get much gayer than this. plus it's the origin of the whole 'jamie and kirsty get married' thing which I hate on principle & am obsessed with in practice), the phantom piper (it's got so much more potential than it gives imo but the tidbits that we get are so good. jamie's relationship with his grandparents.... his best friend taking a bullet for him and dying in his arms...... I just wish I could explain to the author that there's no such thing as a bedroom door in a blackhouse)

novels

the roundheads

two, jamie, ben, and polly travel back to the 1600s, and get largely split up by events unfolding around them. this is a pure historical and it delights in that. if you're after ben and polly content, the roundheads delivers on that too - but it really is some great early twojamie content. (whatever way you choose to read them - it's definitely a shippable book if you're into that). they spend the majority of the book together, both for plot reasons and just hanging out (they go to a frost fair!! two buys jamie treats and then makes himself a flower crown!!) and you get a great sense of jamie figuring two out early into his travels, and how he's far more interested in the doctor as a person than some other companions - he's the only one to show interest in susan when the doctor namedrops her, for instance. this is the best two-era book to me.

the wheel of ice

two, jamie, and zoe visit a space station built a little before zoe's time, and find that not everything is as it seems. again, this is a great one for zoe content as well as anything else, and for some very sweet moments with zoe and two. I don't necessarily feel this one always nails two and jamie's dynamic, but they don't spend a massive amount of time together here, so it's not too jarring. really I'm reccing this because of the scenes where jamie falls in with a bunch of teenagers from the space station, and finds himself kind of responsible for them. it's just nicely done and gives a good sense of jamie as a caretaker character and someone who feels a drive to be responsible for other people.

honourable mention: the episode novelisations (these are a lot of fun, especially if you have particular episodes you enjoy. they often add in extra details, background for side characters, or just little things from the episodes that were cut from the script. I really like them for adding a bit more depth and life to existing stories, and just little things that make you go 'yeah I'll add that to my belief system').

short stories

the time eater/across silent seas

two and jamie give a massive time-eating creature a funeral, and save a space whale from being turned into a weapon. both from the compilation destination prague. literally nobody gets me like the destination prague stories get me I'm not even kidding. these are THE eu two stories to me. both of these are arguably 6b, and they really work in that position - both in showing two and jamie with a very settled, devoted dynamic and in their themes and subject matter. the time eater is a story with no villain, and even the incidental threat of the dying creature causing havoc in time is secondary to the emotional keystone of jamie helping two accept death rather than running away. across silent seas has jamie nearly being aged to death and two absolutely losing it. they're both really about age and death and loss, which hits hard for 6b, with jamie's determination to stay with two forever and two's growing realisation that even if jamie doesn't choose to leave or survives their adventures, his lifespan is still going to be far shorter.

the age of ambition

two, jamie, and victoria land at the house of one of victoria's father's friends, only to find he has been trying to reanimate the dead. from the compilation life sciences. this is really a victoria story, probably the defining victoria story for me. it's got backstory, it's got gothic horror/victorian scientific ambition vibes in a similar way to evil of the daleks, it's got victoria character moments. but it's also a really crucial story for jamie, to me. as a character, I don't think jamie never quite forms into the brawny action man stereotype he was originally drafted as - and that's one of the things I love most about him. again he's too much of a caretaker, he's a piper rather than a soldier. he's rarely truly angry, even when he fights he never seems out to cause much actual harm, and you get the sense his protectiveness over his friends wars with this almost inability to do harm. the age of ambition GETS that and pushes it to the extreme, with jamie being unable to fire a killing shot to save his friends, to the point where victoria has to do it herself. it's such a compelling character moment for both of them and their dynamic.

on a pedestal

two, jamie, and victoria travel back to meet william wallace, who jamie idolises. from the compilation the quality of leadership. this is another one that really gets and hones in on a particular nuance of jamie's character - in this case, the strength and rigidity of his morals and sense of responsibility, and his dislike of people who fall short of that. he's faced with the fact that someone he admires was once careless, lax about taking responsibility for their actions even when other people are at risk, and just a bit childish. it shakes him, and he spends much of the story grappling with that. it's such a good look into the qualities that jamie admires versus the ones that he can't stand. but that's balanced out with some very sweet moments (the whole scene with two, jamie, and william wallace going fishing is very fun and again gives a nice little snapshot of two and jamie having this very settled, secure dynamic). AND jamie gets recognised as a basically supernaturally gifted piper which. love to see jamie actually getting to be a musician, love to see him piping without it being the butt of a 'bagpipes suck and everyone hates them' joke.

honourable mentions: that which went away (this is the 'jamie turns into a bear' story I'm always talking about. I do think it has some major issues in terms of weird primitivism, both in terms of the side characters and how it treats jamie, but also. jamie turns into a bear. and two begging him to come back to him is just *chefs kiss*), undercurrents (two vanishes from the tardis and another man mysteriously appears. jamie believes this newcomer has done something to harm two, and very nearly kills him for it. this is one of the few moments where jamie gets really, properly angry and is willing to actually cause harm and I LOVE to see him pushed past the breaking point of his usual moral code), the slave war (two, jamie, ben, and polly in the roman empire. also really good for ben and polly content, but there's some interesting stuff with jamie grappling with the idea of becoming involved in another rebellion, but ending up getting involved anyway)

[skylarbee]

Is it just me but watching the interaction with Miles and Al. Alex seems to not only not initiate a hug he also pushes Miles away while Miles is so eager to talk to him etc. Body language is not good. Also maybe it’s Miles that wants to keep the friendship going. Like we know of Alex wants someone around he’ll have them around and be affectionate. What if Miles is just like all his other exs? Once he loses interest it’s very obvious, the lack of sightings together, lack of physical affection. I really do believe there’s a distance in them. In so many ways. Musically, aesthetically, artistically, insteresta. What if they are just two old friends, who do love each other, but, at least for Alex, they are just not that into each other? I love Milex but im also realistic. What if their friendship isn’t some big breakup but like a distancing? My hopes for TLSP3 is nonexistent. Anyone else care to chime in? Sorry for the incoherence🖤

i understand your concerns lovely, and things are definitely different than before. but even in older concerts when miles joined them, there were plenty times when it was miles who went up to alex, and it's alex who let go first. it would seem like miles wants it to work more, but the fact that he has social media and posts about alex, while alex doesn't also affects our thinking, even if we don't realise it. alex has absolutely no way of telling us anything about miles, and he disappears for long periods of times, no wonder we think he's more disinterested, but this could be far from the truth.

there is one thing that you did get wrong, anon, and that is that miles is "just another ex". the connection they have is something beyond our understanding, and i'm sure most of us have never experienced something even close to what they have. the way they complete and understand each other is something that is hard to believe it even exists. as to alex's body language, he seemed a bit emotional, disconnected and nervous (and still put on a 10/10 show!) for the entirety of the last gig, and it's no wonder why. he was staring off into space and didn't even realise that he was waiting for miles to bring him back to reality. but even after their little handshake before 505, when alex looks equally as lost, he seems to liven up and prepare himself after miles goes over to him. i don't believe he loves miles any less, i think he's still his safe space. their kisses at london night 3 were something else.

while they might not see each other as often as they used to, miles has mentioned a good couple of times that they hang around his place, and anyways, he doesn't have to tell us anything. they might see and talk to each other a lot more than we think. speaking of interests, i want to believe that they're still pretty tight. i remember when miles posted a song on his story and then a few days later it appeared on am's pre-show playlist. this is just one thing, but they've always liked the same things, or if i want to be more precise, alex has always adapted whatever miles was into, let it be music, films, clothes, and whatever else. but let us also remember that time and distance changes people, of course their interests are gonna change too, but this doesn't have to be a negative thing. at least they have new things to share with each other and more to talk about! hahah

i'd love to hear other people's thoughts, but don't be too worried, anon. this last leg of am's tour showed us that they're still very fond of each other. why else would miles describe it as 'paradise' and 'the week of his life'? and why would alex so unashamedly serenade miles for an entire night?

[thinkingaboutbetterdays]

moving on and letting go. ( mac taylor x reader )

gif belongs to me

Mac was an experienced and respected detective who commanded the respect of his team. He was charismatic, intelligent, and had an air of authority that captivated those around him. You admired Mac not only for his professional prowess but also for his kindness and unwavering support. For six months, you longed for his attention, hoping that one day, he would notice your feelings.

One night, a year after you joined the team while you were leaving the lab after a long day, it happened. Mac caught up with you at the elevator, and as you discussed the case that had been disturbing and, at times, felt hopeless, he expressed his admiration for your sharp instincts and unwavering determination as you carried out your duties with unmatched passion and dedication. Taking the chance, you asked him out for a drink, and from there, your relationship grew in ways you had often daydreamed of.

When you first joined the lab and began to learn and form friendships with the team it was Danny who told you about Claire’s death and you couldn’t imagine moving on from such a trauma and had seen Mac go on dates, struggling to move on from the tragic end of his previous romance. He had never truly let go of Claire, and her memory lingered in the depths of his mind. 

When the phone rang that evening you knew it was Mac on the other end, and knew your intimate plans were going to be set aside for a case.  You had canceled or rearranged plans in previous relationships, one of the downfalls of being a CSI but dating Mac you were learning how it felt to be drinking alone, the excitement fading into disappointment.

However, cracks soon began to show. Mac kept his distance in the lab, even going as far as to remove your hand from his cheek when Stella entered the room. You were hurt by his actions, and Mac continued to keep your relationship out of the lab. However, when you were alone, his tone shifted, and his eyes held emotions you believed were reserved for you. But you had known him long enough to know Mac still loved his ex-fiancée Claire and always would love her in some sense, but when he mumbled her name in his sleep, it was the first time you doubted how much he cared about you and if he was truly ready to move on. One evening, during a particularly stressful case, Mac called to cancel your plans to have dinner together which was fine, but when he called you by his exes name, it cut deep into your heart, and although you knew it was an innocent mistake, it only cemented the idea in your mind that Mac was still in love with Claire, and if he was haunted by her, how could he love you?

"Let me guess, you caught a cold one and can't make it, but you love me and will make it up to me when the case is over?"

You weren't mad at him for canceling, but the mistaken identity a few nights before had earned your avoidance tactics in the office, although Mac hadn’t seemed to notice or at least he hadn’t said anything about it, and the thought that he cared for you so little, only drove the knife deeper into your heart.

"Am I really that predictable?"

"Yes, but I'll let it go."

"I'm sorry about tonight. I was looking forward to it."

You smiled softly, "Me too.”

The words left him before he could process them, “I love you, Claire.”

Now, faced with his unintentional slip of the tongue, Mac felt a mix of regret and confusion. He realized that calling you by Claire’s name had created an unexpected barrier between you both at that moment, feeling it instantly.

This was not the first time hearing him say 'I love you’, but the sentiment lost all meaning when it was followed by her name.

“I’m sorry -”

“I better check on dinner.” You sighed, “Night, Mac.”

You ended the call and looked around his apartment, lifting the glass of wine on the kitchen counter to your lips. You had never felt uncomfortable in his place, as if you didn't belong there until that night, so you fled the apartment and slept in your own place for the first time in weeks. 

Determined to make amends, Mac mustered up the courage to confront you about his mistake. He arrived home in the early hours of the morning, expecting, or rather hoping to find you there, but when he saw dinner wrapped and waiting for him, and his bed empty he knew you had gone home. He sighed as he heated the dinner you had taken from your grandmother’s recipes and as he sat in the quiet apartment, with only the faint sounds of the city to keep him company, Mac’s guilt grew and he debated calling you but it was nearing 2 am and he didn't want to wake you.

That night you began to scrutinize every second of your relationship with Mac. Why didn’t he want the team to know you were dating? Why did he keep calling you Claire? Did he only say I love you so he could imagine he was saying it to her?

While Mac pondered his accidental slip of the tongue, looking at photographs of Claire he realized he had unintentionally let his unresolved feelings for Claire influence his actions. He put away all of Claire’s pictures, before finally, reluctantly, going to bed. He looked over at the empty space beside him with a sigh, missing the way you, even when you were fast asleep, would immediately curl into his arms.

The next day Mac entered the lab determined to find you and apologize, only to find out that you were called with Flack to a crime scene ten minutes ago. He tried throughout the day to find time to speak to you, searching the lab when his conscious wouldn’t allow him to focus on the paperwork on his desk, but each time you were nowhere to be found. And after the third time, Mac concluded that you were avoiding him.

He knew you would turn up eventually and worked on an experiment for a case he was investigating and after forty minutes you entered while his back was turned, greeting Danny who was also working in the lab. You paused when Mac turned and knew from the slight raise of his eyebrow that he knew you were actively avoiding him at all costs.

“Can we talk?”

You glanced at Danny who looked between you both and knew he would have many questions later. You nodded your head and Mac followed you out of the room, and as you were walking down an empty hallway you began to relay findings by the medical examiner about your current case until Mac decided what he needed to say couldn’t wait any longer.

“My vic died from a shotgun wound leaving a cookie cutter shape behind.”

“Caused by pellet separation.”

“Peyton said it’s an indicator of a close-range shot. Add it to the wadding in the wounds - she estimated four feet or less. I think the victim fought off the shooter -”

Mac held your arm gently and you looked at the ground, fearing what was to come, sure it was going to be the end of your relationship.

“Y/N, I’m sorry.”

You nodded slightly, swallowing the lump in your throat as you met his gaze.

“I’m sorry for what happened. I want to talk maybe over lunch or coffee."

As the days turned into weeks, Mac made a genuine effort to rectify his past actions. He showered you with kindness, support, and understanding. He went above and beyond to prove that you were the one he truly wanted by his side and how grateful and lucky he felt that you were. Together, you worked on cases, shared countless conversations, and gradually built a bond stronger than ever before.

Alhough you were hurt, you still appreciated his honesty and vulnerability. Deep down, you cherished the hope that Mac could eventually see you for who you truly were—a woman who cared deeply for him. But for now, you believed you needed to go your separate ways.

He frowned as he began to speak, but you beat him to it. "I always wondered why you didn't want anyone knowing we were together. But I did a lot of thinking last night, and it is unfair to me and to you to start something now when you're not ready." He kept silent as you continued, "I love you. But I can't go on like this anymore, Mac."

"I'm sorry." He began. "I kept a distance between us at work because I'm also your boss and people would talk, and I was trying to prevent you getting hurt. I know I failed, I hurt you and I'm sorry. I can do better. I will do better if you give me one more chance. That's all I'm asking."

You stared at him, tears falling down your cheeks and shaking your head. Before Mac could step away, you stepped forward to place a hand on his cheek. And Mac glanced away briefly, wanting to prolong the moment you broke up with him as he was sure it was coming. However, now that you understood, now that he had explained, you were overwhelmed by your love for the detective and didn't care who knew it, proving so when you kissed him.

When you broke away for air, Mac held your arms as his eyes bore into yours, promising he would make it up to you. And after informing you that he had stored Claire's photographs away, he was already off to a good start.

In the beginning, you were torn between your love for Mac and the fear of being hurt, cautiously allowed yourself to be vulnerable once again. And although he called you 'Claire' once more for the final time, you saw the genuine changes in him, witnessed his growth, and realized that sometimes, love requires forgiveness and patience. Through the ups and downs, your relationship blossomed, transcending the boundaries of a professional partnership.

You held his gaze for a moment before looking away as you attempted to hold back your tears. "I don't think that's a good idea, Mac."

In the end, you and Mac discovered that true love isn't always straightforward. It can be messy, filled with mistakes, and past baggage. But with open hearts and a willingness to grow, you found solace in each other's arms.

[oranoyaora]

mended

iii. lost & found

ft. oikawa tooru

warning(s): some angst, self-doubt, slight anxiety

tags: childhood friends to strangers(ish) to lovers

notes: trololol I hope you like this ;P (mended ch. list)

Two years.

It had taken nearly two years for you to feel somewhat normal. Two years to get over everything that had happened. Two years to finally realize that Oikawa was and has always been the one.

Your then-fiancé, or the Asshole, as your brother likes to put it, was given a second chance. Yes, a second chance. You truly had regretted it and blamed too much of yourself for believing that he could have changed.

A fraction of that regret consisted of the what if. You thought back. Had you not gotten with that cheating bastard, would you and Oikawa have ended up together?

However, for the most part, you had beaten yourself up about even giving a thought to a second chance, and then proceeding to actually give it.

But now? You couldn't have felt more free.

You always knew in the back of your mind Oikawa stood there. But you often rationalized your acceptance for not grabbing onto Oikawa and taking him with you from your mind and into reality.

You tried telling yourself that what you felt for Oikawa was just a one-sided crush. You minimized the magnitude of your love for Oikawa by sweeping it away when someone else decided to show you love.

However, finally being without your ex-fiancé has made you realize that that old love of yours never disappeared.

But there was distance between you and his heart. It seems he had closed it off in the same way you had done before. This thought made you worry about the nonexistent consequences of your actions.

If Oikawa had closed himself off from you, has he opened his heart for another?

A part of you grew possessive of him. The selfish side you had tried so hard to suppress, slipped through and you started to embrace it like an old friend.

All of those times that instigated the simmering jealousy within you, started to steam out.

You had grown tired of letting go. You felt lost, and this was perhaps the cause of the emotional nausea you had experienced for years. Not knowing where you stood with Oikawa, the person you were closest with and had truly loved, had slowly dug a hole in your chest.

There were many times in which you mentally ripped your hair out, frustrated of being in the state of not knowing.

Even if you couldn't have the love you desired from Oikawa, you still, at the very least, wanted to repair the friendship you both had. A part of you felt responsible for pushing him away and letting it happen.

Communication between the two of you had nearly become nonexistent since you became officially single. You were too preoccupied with the emotional turbulence from what you had gone through. But now that it seems like everything has come down to a calm, you could now steer your way back to Oikawa. L

You stood from your chair of contemplation. You had been basking in the warmth of the sun until it disappeared. The warmth couldn't quite reach your heart.

You walked back into reality as your feet led you inside your apartment.

So much thought was given to this very moment. So many hours were spent as you wandered off into different scenarios. But reality has hit you and your feet stayed glued to the floor, no longer inching your way closer to the task at hand.

You expected this. It always happened. Somehow you would muster up the courage to go back to Oikawa, but then suddenly stop yourself. It was hard to take that next and final big step.

You were scared of stepping into the unknown. You had, after all, been floating around aimlessly for years not knowing anything.

You looked down and met your reflection in the black mirror that sat on your kitchen counter. You became lost again, in the nothingness. Your mind slipped away from reality as it was being absorbed by the darkness.

You heaved in a large breath, shoulders lifting as air filled your lungs. When you couldn't take in any more air, you slowly exhaled it from your mouth and your shoulders started to drop.

This would be the last time that you would let go.

You released yourself from your fear and doubt as you reached out for the object in front of you. Your hands felt clammy holding onto it as you once again stared back into your reflection.

Without thinking more, your thumb tapped it. Your reflection disappeared as the screen lit up displaying a picture of you and Oikawa when you were little kids.

—————————

It was 11:37 at night when Oikawa's phone started to violently buzz on his end table. He could have sworn that he had his Do Not Disturb mode on, making him groan. He was just starting to fall asleep.

Heaving a sigh, Oikawa propped himself up on one elbow and reached for his phone. He blinked a few times, trying to clear the sleepy bluriness in his eyes.

When his vision became focused, Oikawa had never sobered up from sleep so quick in his life. If it were anyone else, he would've denied the call, but it was you.

He blinked a few times, trying to process each letter of your name. Was he dreaming? Ten seconds later felt like a lifetime before he decided to answer.

"Hello?"

Oikawa held his breath. His heart beated louder and louder in his head, filling the silence that met him. No sign of you indicated that you were on the other line, making Oikawa become anxious.

Maybe it was a mistake?

Whatever little hope Oikawa had started to chip away from underneath him. How could he truly think that you would want anything to do with him when he was the one who started to crack away at your friendship?

He could feel himself slipping away again. Oikawa was falling back into that pit of self-loathing. He had desperately been clinging onto that sliver of hope for so long, and maybe this was a sign that he should move on.

But just as he was about to let himself fall, your voice chimed in like a bell and grabbed him.

"Hi... Tooru..."

[mono273]

Let us start a better life .

[Riddle’s emotions catch up to him, he does not know how to deal with them.]

Hello! I originally posted this back in August on AO3 under the same user and decided now to post it on Tumblr. I will link the AO3 version at the end of the post. I hope you enjoy it. ^^

Riddle Rosehearts is not stupid.

He has known for all his life to be perfect, to be the prodigy of his mother. He knew a consequence of said perfection was the border between the things he loves.

No matter how hard he cried, no matter how hard he begged, he could never cross that distance to closeness. He could never cross the line that separates his wants, he could never cross the line that separates his desires.

He could never cross the line between his loved ones and himself.

It always hurt.

You would figure that someone as perfect as Riddle would be in top shape, physically and mentally. You would expect him to be capable of defending himself, to be capable of making it through the toughest of battles in any field.

So why does he feel this way? Why is there a melancholy that lingers in his entire body?

He had experienced it before, especially in his first year at Night Raven, yet none of those moments were as intensive as this one. It felt different, it felt worse.

The feeling would come and go, he would chalk it up to a feeling of stress, longing to go home, any reason. Yet he cannot identify the reason for these.

It was a horrible feeling. No matter where Riddle went, he would feel a pang in his being. Be it in classes, at his club, or at a Unbirthday party; he would always feel a deep pit in his heart.

He wishes it would stop.

As much as Riddle prattled on about taking care of oneself and the importance of a healthy lifestyle, his pride forbade him from telling anyone about his feelings.

He looked at the other Housewardens, none of them looked sad, none of them looked upset. Especially after their overblots, they looked fine as ever.

It made Riddle divert his prolonged sadness into internal anger, envy. How dare they prance around all fine and dandy yet he had to carry this burden of feelings? How dare they regulate their feelings in a healthy way, display your dismay to his face so he would feel less alone.

Riddle hated the feeling of loneliness he had when it came to expressing emotions.

Winter break had passed by now, everyone returned to their classes.

Riddle listened to everyone, he listened to their complaints about family, work, troubles at home. Most of the time, the complainants were sprinkled with love, warmth, care.

He could only wish he had those things. Instead he had to deal with his mother who made him study nonsensical topics even though he just wanted to spend a nice break with her. (He knows he shouldn’t, but she’s trying her best as a mother.)

He listened to the stories of his friends, their adventures, their time spent with family. Riddle balled up his hands under the table, not letting his frustration show.

But why would he be angry, he thought. He should be happy! His friends were having fun, they were enjoying their lives, he should be happy for them. Yet all he can hear is the sizzle of jealousy forming deep in his psyche.

He does not know what this feeling is.

Sometimes, Riddle would catch himself daydreaming.

‘So unusual, so unheard of!’ That was the sound of his dorm members talking behind his back when they noticed his lack of attention at the previous Unbirthday party. How could such a strict leader get caught in his own thoughts, they ask.

But how could he not? His imagination has never been so big, even when he was a curious child. He could imagine anything he wants!

There have been a few times where he would lie in bed and imagine himself at a big Unbirthday party, celebrating with all of his friends. They would respect him, care for him, love him.

The last thought would snap him awake, and for a moment he feels that pang of sadness and anger in his heart. He longed for friendships like the people he had seen in a book he read when he was younger. He didn’t want to be so distant anymore, he wished for comfort.

Maybe such people only exist in fiction.

Riddle Rosehearts wanted to run away.

Maybe he wasn’t as strong as he thought. Maybe he wasn’t as good of a Housewarden as he might’ve hoped.

He didn’t know why, but he had an innate sense to run. Run far far away and live alone, with his daydreams to keep him company.

He overheard Ramshackle’s Prefect, Yuu, talking about the same thing. The student had a wish to run and find their way home. Riddle didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but now an idea was planted into his head.

The more that Riddle kept forming new and happy scenarios in his head, the more the thought of running away came up too. How would life look like if he decided to up and leave that day? It bothered him, he tried to push it out.

The idea kept bringing back those sad feelings alongside it, he wanted them gone.

Riddle stared up at his dorm room ceiling and cried.

He cried until his throat became hoarse. He curled up into a ball and sobbed his heart out. He hated emotions.

He could not stop thinking of this perfect life he concocted in his head, the one where he can finally have people love him without expectations, where he can be free of the harsh rules everyone set on him.

He could not stop crying, no amount of self consolation and breathing tips could help him now, and he hated it. He wanted someone to tell him it was okay, that this passing moment of him being surrounded by sorrow and darkness will fade soon. Anyone, anything! He was banking on a miracle.

He felt so puny compared to the furniture, like a hedgehog curled up into a ball surrounded by people. He felt so vulnerable, so alone, so distressed.

The Queen was now the one falling deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole.

Riddle Rosehearts starts his day off as normal. He ends the day off as normal.

There is no change in his routine after that night, he is still the same model student he will always be because it is expected of him. No amount of praying could grant him a miracle. He has known that since he was a child.

This is the same Riddle Rosehearts who is Heartslabyul’s Housewarden. This is the same Riddle Rosehearts who overblotted and nearly killed a seventh of the student body. This is the same Riddle Rosehearts who has been crying in his room for the last few months wishing, begging for someone to come and save him from whatever was happening to him. This is and forever will be Riddle Rosehearts.

No matter what happened to him, he would still be Riddle Rosehearts. Even if he wanted to run from his body, to run from any thoughts that don’t include rules and work, he was still bound to the image of Riddle Rosehearts.

It might take him weeks, months, even years until he can accept these conflicting thoughts. That these wants for peace can coexist with his normal life, and he didn’t have to throw everything away for one life or another.

It will take some time, but he will one day accept that he is Riddle Rosehearts, and he is allowed to be human.

Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it, I plan to write more but writing is not my thing.. I do draw, if anyone is curious and wants to see Twst art or other art.

As I said, the link for the AO3 version is below, I hope you have a good day everyone ^^

[purrbita]

Loss is a fundamental and unavoidable part of life.

When I lost my childhood friends to time and distance, I didn’t do much about it. I had sensed it coming, and I felt that I would be able to move on and live my life without them, as they would without me. This was the proclamation of the more rational part of myself. 

When I got older and started losing my grandparents to age and disease, I couldn’t do much about it. This time too, I was convinced that this was the nature of life, and it would go on and on, regardless of the demands of the people who are left behind again and again.

I won’t say that I hadn’t felt pain. In fact, for a long time, that was the only feeling I experienced. But that pain, the long months of expecting the inevitable, were shared. Somehow, I’m sure that during our last awkward greetings, my friends too wished they didn’t have to lose me and our friendship. When I used to sit by my grandparents and recite to them the forgotten stories of my childhood, they too wished to stay just that bit longer.

There are various kinds of losses in life. If you are lucky, they will be shared, and that togetherness in slowly losing one another will end up being the window of light that saves you.

Grief, on the other hand, is an entirely different entity.

It is a common fact that everyone grieves, and should be allowed to grieve in their own, different ways. There also seems to be a popular notion that grieving is easier when it’s done together with those close to heart. Although I understand what is meant by this, it isn’t true, is it? 

Grieving is never easy, no matter who we share it with. This is because grief is more than just the pain of loss. It is the culmination of all emotions you have ever felt with those people, how you reshaped and rebuilt each other. Other emotions on their own often contradict, but grief collects and connects. Grief is the anger of leaving and the sadness of being left behind, it is the joy of a lifetime of memories and the fear of the absolute inability to make more of them.

There are people I have lost who I stopped loving before, and even people I never loved in the first place. Through them, for the first time, I got to know that you can lose people you never loved, liked, or knew, even people you hated. The part of me that is not rational and remains the child who cried at both the thoughts of living and dying whispers to me–a person’s mere existence, at times, has the capacity to impact us in ways unimaginable if not met with before.

Grief is a uniquely different present for each visitor you let into your heart. They all have to leave at some point in time. A few settle there permanently, some stay for only a short period of time, but they all, invariably, leave their own special gifts and souvenirs and footprints. Grief is what you are able to give them back, in return for whatever they did to reach your heart.

[un-re-pression]

shit shit shit, ok, um. I have very verbally asserted that if I were ever in a one-sided love I would simply suffer nobly. That's true love, when there's sacrifice! That's what I would do for someone, and that's what I hope someone would do for me, and

And this week I'm in my first relationship

I can (irl) handle one-sided love in a friendship. I LOVE seeing one-sided love with a sexual component in stories. And this week, I'm learning, apparently, all this time, I only liked one-sided love Gone Sexual in stories because the fictional context

implied that it would end

happily.

I'm so fucking fucked. In friendships I can suffer forever when I value a friend, I can at least delude myself that they would never want me back. Never cross that line, never bring that up, the feelings fade, that's friendship!

But here? Now?

Where we've seen each other. And trust each other for years. And want each other. And I brought up the idea of being partners too soon. And you're aromantic but called me your girlfriend and shared a dozen fantasies of how that would be. Told me it was okay

And then called it off after one day.

You were right to do that, of course. It IS too soon, I feel that too. Hasn't even been a week. And I love you deeply as one of my best friends. And I am so fucking mad. And I respect your decision, genuinely, and you're more reasonable than I am, and I would do anything for your comfort. And I am so. Fucking. Mad.

I'm the wrong one here. I know that.

And I'm about to pour more effort into our friendship to bolster an uncertain sexual relationship, and I always thought that was fucking disgusting when strangers would use friendship as a prop to gain sexual favors. We're not strangers, it's a real friendship already, and I don't want to be two-faced and disgusting but I suddenly need you like water

And I'm suddenly sorry to that guy who pretended to be my friend so he could try to fuck me. I'd never needed someone like this before, in single-minded craving

so

I'm keeping it down. I'm putting my partner's friend's comfort above my irrational surge of emotion. I cannot emphasize how much I am in the wrong here, how much I must've pressured another person into a label they weren't yet comfortable with. But now, experiencing it, holding my feelings back so we can be friends is not noble. It's not understanding. It just hurts. And I'm sick, and angry, and I'm disgusting.

I don't like jealousy or possessiveness as tropes in stories, either. It feels unsafe, and petty, and uncommunicative. I won't let it seep into my behavior. But I can't stop feeling these emotions. And I wouldn't read my own story.

My friend was far more noble to ask for some distance from me.

Incredibly ignoble but I'm not even breaking down because I need a label. It actually makes sense for me not to be a girlfriend, and I love my friend, full stop. I'm breaking down because I have always, always crumbled over the perception that I. Am. Not. Good. Enough.

@un-re-pression || tagged so I can reblog

[scionshtola]

fir 5, mistletoe 5, pine 2, birch 1 + cori? 🖤

ty dani!! 💗 i put it under a cut bc i got a little long abdjsk

fir 5: How many setbacks can (or will) your OC endure before they give up on a course of action?  Or alternatively, how many times can they be let down or betrayed before they turn their back upon another person?

Hmm Cori is very much an optimist of the “I will make this work” kind (rather than “everything will work out fine” kind). So they may give up on a course of action if it doesn’t work, but it’s just so they can find a different course of action that will achieve the same or similar goals. They’re really not one to give up! And they’re also very forgiving. I honestly don’t know that they would turn their back completely on a friend or someone they trusted, but they’re far more likely to do it if their betrayal hurts someone they care about than if it’s just to them. They always see the best in people, and they might trust someone less after they find out they’re lying or they betrayed them, they might even distance themself, but I don’t think they would completely turn their back on a friend who let them down.

mistletoe 5: Who is your OCs most unlikely friend? What made their friendship so unexpected?

answered here!

pine 2: What is the worst emotional or spiritual wound that your OC has ever suffered?  What was the long-term impact of this experience? What helped them to move on from it (if they ever have)?

Poor Cori has suffered a lot of emotional wounds lol but I think the worst has been losing the ability to cast since In From the Cold (well not quite losing completely, but it’s very hard to even summon carbuncle because the whole thing messed up their ability to channel aether). Summoning and magic use in general is such a big part of Cori, for like their whole life! And to be cut off from this thing that’s so fundamental to them is really difficult.

They have not yet moved on from it—between the end of ENW and the patches Cori hides on her island to recuperate and avoid her feelings on this and some other things. They get coaxed off their island by Shtola for the patches, but they still can’t cast. I’m not sure how long it would take to move on if they had to accept they could never cast again, but fortunately they will at some point have the idea of consulting Stephanivien about using aetherotransformer tech to help them channel aether. But I haven’t moved on to happy Cori yet so she’s stuck in low key misery in my mind ahdjkssk

birch 1: Has your OC ever experienced something that changed them irrevocably?  If so, then how do they view the person they were before?

I think there are a lot of things I could choose from but I’ll do something positive after the last answer lol. Prior to joining the Scions Cori was a really lonely person who worried a lot about letting down anyone who did care about them by not being perfect, by not living up to what they should be, and who tried very hard to do things by themself/without bothering anyone. This didn’t go away overnight but by the end of Shadowbringers I think it’s really cemented that they are not alone, they have friends and family who love and care about them, who will fight by their side and pick them back up. They still have a tendency to fall back into their bad habits and run away a little bit (see above answer lol), and of course there’s a loneliness inherent in being the WoL (at least to Cori) but. it has definitely made a difference in them to feel so loved. to be loved is to be changed and all that.

[funkymbtifiction]

Social venting

Feeling a bit jealous of so-seconds lately, and to some extent even so-blinds. It feels like when big "crunch time" things come up (tax season, finals, holidays, etc.), people get really caught up in obligations.

Well, what are they supposed to do, get investigated by the IRS for not filing or fail their classes? ;) A lot of people are introverts with limited capacity for interaction, so things like that are particularly draining for them -- meaning they don't have enough emotional and mental and physical energy to be around people when there is a lot going on in their life. It's just a fact.

I would give anything for the ability to view socializing as more casual for a while and not care a ton who I spend time with or what we're doing.

Well, have you tried? Switching your focus to sp and focusing on your home, your health, your activities, and doing things on your own? It might not ease the pain of needing connections, but it would engage sp as your 'play zone' more and give you something to do.

It's not like I want everyone to drop all their responsibilities and only goof off (well, sometimes I kind of want that, but...) I care about getting stuff done before deadlines, too. I do stuff immediately so that I can free up my evenings/weekends to spend time with people. Then it turns out they're all busy anyway (or like, going to a concert instead of intensely conversing, which is fine but not what I crave.)

Widen your net and see who else you can catch in it. There are hundreds of thousands of lonely people out there who would love to chat with you on the weekends or hang out with you, but don't know how to meet people. Unfortunately, you're also going to have to dial back your expectations. People are very busy with their lives, and see a lot of their significant others and/or their families, so that soaks up a lot of their social energy.

Are you involved romantically with anyone? You may find your social dominant needs fulfilled by finding someone to do things with all the time, through a romantic partner who wants to be deep with you, and connect to you, and do everything with you, and that will reduce your need for intimate social connections outside your relationship.

I just feel really picky and needy and like a bad person; like no matter what I'm doing I'm going to be kind of dissatisfied with things. I'm not even sure it boils down to instinctual stackings at this point, because I feel like I've never really met someone who desires the same type of social contact I do.

Do you have a frustration number in your core Enneagram, by any chance? Some of this sounds like the "nothing is every good enough, perfect enough, flawless enough, deep enough" that comes from the frustration triad. Do you KNOW, on a social / intimate level, what would 'sate' you? Or have you never experienced it? If the latter, it may be because you are acting out of frustration, and choosing to be dissatisfied with something that is "good enough." Worth considering.

There are people out there just as hungry for constant attention as you are; I've mentioned this before, but the best relationship of my life involved another extrovert whom I found tons of fun, who also wanted to talk to me as constantly as I wanted to talk to her. We sent each other long e-mails every day, in addition to chatting several hours at night and working on projects together (long-distance). For about three years, we had a fabulous and intimate friendship, before life pulled us apart. One day, I hope to find another relationship like that, but in the meantime, I've learned to satisfy myself with what I am given, to recognize that as an adult, people are busy, and I am not the center of their world. In some ways, I feel like my old self was so/sp but now I'm not, because I had no alternative but to give up searching for closeness and throw that passion into my projects instead. (I was probably always an sp/so, but all the same, the amount of times I have bemoaned not having enough friends, them not paying attention to me, me needing people, me being dissatisfied with my relationships and yearning for more, certainly gives proof to the fact that I understand the deep yearnings that drive social types.)

Like, do other so-firsts even exist? Maybe that's because I haven't known about stackings for very long and didn't think of people in terms of "will they have enough time for me," though.

Yes, there are lots of them around. But even they are "busy." We live in a mad world where everyone is constantly rushing around, and where most average people have to work hard just to afford their rent. The extreme extroverts have enough energy to get through a day full of activities or a week full of stress and still have boundless energy to interact with their friends at night, but the rest of us? Not so much.

I'm not even sure I get the point of being so/sp when it seems that it doesn't do my social life much good. Maybe it's good for the sp stuff, because I don't tend to obsess over well-being and I can just shift around tasks and get things done as needed? I'm not sure. I wish I was more capable of being socially optimistic.

You will never be cringe or wear socks with Crocs. That's worth something, right? ;)

Part of social is wanting to give back something to society. Is there a way you could do that through volunteering your time, or starting up a group that encourages people to socialize? Find something you could do to make the world a better place and do it.