#entirely self indulgent rambles about freedom ^_^

[sameteeth]

anyways, i do think its really interesting that chuuya figures out that dazai was putting pieces into place to get him ousted from the sheep like a month ahead of time... its also really interesting to consider WHY dazai did it and the implications it carries. dazai watches shirase and yuan pressure and guilt chuuya about "doing his part" for the sheep as a person with an ability, then immediately takes action to relieve pressure from chuuya

which is kinda funny bc dazai at least in the short term is following what shirase is saying - dazai has the ability to help save the hostages, and he does lol. demon prodigy indeed. MORE IMPORTANTLY though. dazai recognizes that chuuya is being controlled by the sheep even though he is the leader. chuuya and mori make good comparisons here - this arc starts with mori bemoaning his responsibility as the boss of the port mafia, and we see chuuya consistently failing to do his responsibility as the leader of the sheep. he even denies the title of king, stating that it's only his ability that puts him above the rest. to digress a bit, i think this is partly why when chuuya joins the port mafia he so quickly submits to them - he is no longer the sole ability user, and thus the responsibility doesnt rely entirely on him to protect the group. something to be said here about the way bsd almost never touches on the ability user vs non-ability user dichotomy but ill save that. back to the main point. dazai takes it upon himself to free chuuya from the sheep. he acknowledges the limitations chuuya has to function under as the leader of the sheep and the weight of the responsibility he bears for no reason other than his ability

but then! dazai forces chuuya into the port mafia to save him from the sheep ! doesnt that seem contradictory??? isnt that hypocritical? chuuya seems pissed about it!

granted, I'd be pissed too if my friends stabbed me with a switch covered in rat poison then tried to gun me down. regardless, chuuya can see how dazai set him up to be outcast from the sheep without having to break the tie himself. chuuya is loyal to the sheep, even when they distrust him. But! this gives chuuya a chance to escape, even if it's to the port mafia. i think the important thing to focus on here is that the port mafia is an Actual organization made up of adults. the sheep are a bunch of kids, ones that are easily led. the limited pieces we see of them are shirase and yuan, who throw temper tantrums and try to clumsily manipulate chuuya when he doesn't listen to them. they admit to stealing alcohol from mafia-adjacent territory and just generally seem immature... because theyre kids. but what we see of the mafia is much different. mori is a strong leader because he is smart and rational. he thinks ahead. he, unlike chuuya, is the leader because he wants to protect yokohama, and understands the sacrifice necessary to do so. chuuya is the leader because no one could beat him in a fight. the port mafia offers a chance for growth (ignoring that these are children in the mafia ok play with me here) as a fighter and as a leader - chuuya becomes an exec when he's still a teenager i think (theres not a specific age anywhere i can find) and is a much more calm and smart fighter once he joins.

so it's good (play with me) that chuuya is able to join the port mafia. BUT he would never have been able to leave if dazai had not forced his hand. this paradox - the idea that chuuya obtains freedom from being forced to leave something he doesn't want to - is SUPER interesting to consider !! here i will dissolve into rambles. i learned about this paradox in the context of mary wollstonecraft and the vindication of the rights of women - wollstonecraft believed only educated people could truly be free, as they were not only free of oppression but also no longer slaves to their emotions, and were able to have opportunities and use their education for their own betterment. the situation with chuuya reminded me of this, because with the sheep chuuya had no one to rely on or to teach him, limiting his capacity for growth and ultimately his freedom. the sheep were reliant on him for protection, and feared him, but chuuya had everything to lose if he were to try and leave the sheep. he had nothing without them, and they needed him for his power. but they were beholden to their emotions, immature and uncertain how to actually get power. their primary motivators for action are retaliation - dazai mentions this when chuuya attacks him, and shirase and yuan mention this when they are urging chuuya to help them. but when chuuya talks to mori and koyo (<3) about their actions, both of them are much more forward thinking than that. mori is very cunning and sly, and koyo tells chuuya that even if things go south in the meeting she's taking him to to, they know how to move forward. chuuya's world has expanded beyond the sheep's limited gaze.

of course, he's still trapped in the port mafia, but if you REALLY want to discuss free will..... we'll be here all fucking night. free will is really hard to pin down and i always have to talk about determinism and its a lot to wrap ur head around and i just like drawing connections between stuff i like

[amourcherie606]

Lucy Heartfilla Redesign pt! 1

So I grew up with Fairy Tail as a child (and i mean i literally grew as the show came out)! And I loved it, rewatching it as an adult has made me realize alot of interesting and emotional moments. its like im watching it for the first time again. - and now i want to redesign the entire cast as if i designed them <3

Rambling aside, i shall be infodumping about the design under the cut! I will be redesigning all of team natsu (technically i already have just have to draw them digitally) and a few other fairy tail characters, you could even suggest some!

I wanted to keep two key factors with Lucy and I shall be keeping this in mind when I redesign her other outfits that im calling Arc 1, 2 , and 3. This is Arc 1 Lucy, the Lucy who has spent a year on the run and is joining her dream Guild, Fairy Tail.

Lucy throughout the show dresses in feminine, more skimpy-like clothing. Occasionally she'll whip out pants and a shirt when she wants to be comfy but overall shes shows off her skin alot. Shes a cute woman and she knows it!

I wanted to keep that element with Lucy, shes someone who finally has control over her wardrobe, free from conservative, heavy gowns. Her large knowledge about fashion outside of fancy rich people is the magazines from sorcerer weekly! Naturally, she wants to dress just like her idols and knowledge of what others wear, and is completely comfortable with doing so!

Is it impractical? In a way, yeah it is! She can get cut easily, more noticeable, less storage, etc. But This is only the beginning of Lucy's journey, so she's embracing her new freedom still. I normally don't like saying this but she's just a girl <3. And she wants to look cute in her own way!

2. Next, I wanted to keep the Lucky Lucy Heartfilla motif with her. I feel like her mother would have called Lucy "her lucky lucy" while she was still alive. Its stuck with her and warms her heart it hard times, and in a way Lucy does bring luck to the Fairy Tail guild, to her new team. She finally united them! So I keep four leaf clovers around her.

Also note she has alot of accessories! Because I imagine she can't help but buy cute little trinkets when she can, especially when she finally gets guild work.

She has yellow freckles to represent stars and also hint towards her type of magic + what her mother had in store for her.

her pencil sketch! ty for reading so far <3 this is mainly very self indulgent as im hyperfixating on ft again

[shenanigans-and-imagines]

Thinking About Astarion x Evie (Ace!Tav) x Gale...Again

Astarion x Evie (Ace!Tav) Masterlist

A/N: Shoutout to @leighsartworks216 for letting me ramble to them about this AU. I have some more developed thoughts on their relationship and how it might come about. Consider this a 2.0 version of my previous headcanon.

So, first things first, I don’t think this relationship would develop until some years after the game

Astarion and Evie are much more stable in their relationship, maybe even married at this point

They’ve been adventuring, traveling all around Faerun and have made a habit of going to visit Waterdeep at least once a year

Gale made it clear that the tower is always open to them, even if at the beginning it was more for Evie’s sake than Astarion’s

As I've established in a few places, Gale was initially romantically interested in Evie, but she turned him down and they slipped into a very close, borderline queerplatonic relationship (although Gale does have some lingering feelings he chooses not to indulge in)

Also during this time, Gale and Astarion have gotten closer

While their bickering had never fully gone away, there is a much more playful tone to it

It's clear it's just how the pair of them communicate and any malice has faded years ago

Gale also can't help but notice how much Astarion has grown over the years, freedom suits him and there is no doubt Evie's influence has helped him expend the circle of what/who he decides to care for

Astarion too has finally admitted that Gale does have his charms, and has even confessed to missing him on occasion (only to Evie of course)

So picture this

Some years after the events of the game, Gale gets into a proper romantic relationship with somebody in Waterdeep. They love each other. Gale is his absolute attentive self, they think he's amazing, every thing is going great

Then, Evie and Astarion drop in for a visit

His partner knows about Evie and Astarion. Gale has talked about them plenty of times.

It's clear they're all very close, but Gale specifically mentions his relationship with Evie, while not romantic, still runs deep

Of course, at the time his partner said that it was fine. Why would they need to be jealous of a friend who is already happily married to somebody else? But then they see the pair of them together

Yes, Gale says it's not romantic, but the only person they're seen him drop everything for has been them...and now Evie

It shouldn't bother them, but it does. How is Astarion not saying anything? His spouse is standing in front of him just casually touching another man like it's no big deal!

Evie also has the audacity to be nothing but polite and kind the entire time while clearly caring for Gale

Gale is still Gale, but with both Astarion and Evie there, they feel like they've missed out on some deeper aspect to him only the pair of them fully comprehend

The worst is when they decide to all go for a night out

Evie ends up running a bit late for some reason leaving, Gale, his partner and Astarion making small talk, but to little success

They admittedly have not been getting on great with Astarion

Gale might assure them that he takes some time to get used to, but it seems the man is determined to be unpleasant

The only time his narrowed eyes seem to lighten at all is when Evie is in the room

It's the signal they've finally arrived, when Astarion lips turn into the first real smile of the evening

They then make the mistake of looking at Gale

He gaze turns and his expression just...melts

They know that look, they've seen that look, but the worst is how it shifts into something sadder, resigned, only to be pushed away just in time for Evie to slip in beside Astarion, seemingly oblivious

How in the hells are they supposed to respond to a display like that?

They eventually confront Gale about it, much to Gale's confusion because he thought he explained it very thoroughly

And well yes, technically he did, his partner still can't wrap their head around it seeing it in action; and he absolutely failed to mention being in love with Evie

Gale adamantly denies it, but they can tell even he doesn't fully believe it

Gale, however, does confess that he met both Evie and Astarion at a very vulnerable point in his life

Evie especially helped him though a lot, so he's not about to let this relationship go or change its nature

Astarion had the benefit of witnessing it's inception so while he and Evie got together, and it took some adjusting on his part, he was able to more easily understand it

Gale then gives them an ultimatum of either accepting that Evie is always going to be part of his life or not

His partner decides to leave; while they do love Gale, they don't want to be placed second

Gale is gutted, but he can't bring himself to fully explain to Evie and Astarion why exactly he and his partner split, just that it apparently did work out

Evie can't bring themselves to leave Gale when he's in such a state, and Astarion agrees that a heartbroken Gale shouldn't be left to his own devices

It ends up being the longest they've all stayed together since the Absolute, and new and old feelings start to stir

Astarion for one, fully admits to not liking Gale's ex from the jump, even if he can't fully articulate why

It wasn't anything they did per say

He could point to the way they looked at Evie; with suspicion and frustration. But, even when Evie wasn't in the room, they annoyed him

Something about the way they buzzed around Gale made him prickle; Evie never spurred such a reaction, maybe he's just used to it

Of course Astarion was there when everything blew up and of course he was defensive of Evie and supportive of Gale, but there is also this odd relief

He feels like he should feel guilty about but just isn’t. It at the very least starts him really thinking about his feelings towards Gale. 

Astarion is also furious at himself once he realizes his feelings are romantic and he wants to kiss that wizard on his stupid face

He and Evie have also been discussing possibly opening up the relationship

Astarion has been wanting to experiment with sex again, and while they've developed their own forms of intimacy, he would never push Evie into anything she truly did not want to do

This has been sparking some of Evie's anxieties about past partners growing bored when they couldn't offer them sex, but Evie doesn't want to lose Astarion by outright saying no

Gale is already aware of his feelings toward Evie, and his guilt associated with it made only worse when he starts to feel those same feelings for Astarion, which admittedly have been growing for a few years now

Basically all of them have a lot of complicated histories with relationships and intimacy and it takes a while for them to get it all sorted out between them

Astarion and Gale would be the first to break, some of the same beats playing out with Astarion finally kissing Gale and the two of them going to Evie immediately after to talk it all out

Evie would feel like she’d need to keep her distance as Astarion and Gale work out exactly what their relationship is

A part of her is still so afraid she’s going to be the one pushed out. She loves them both so much, but they each can provide each other not just love but sex and so many other comforts in each other.

Meanwhile Astarion and Gale are just sitting their baffled like, “you do realize the main reason why we’ve tolerated each other long enough to start developing feelings is because we both loved you first”.

Gale might be the one to reach out first asking her to accompany him somewhere, just the two of them. It gives them time to talk, Gale to voice some of his anxieties about starting a relationship with Astarion and wanting to figure out the rules to make Evie comfortable.

It would also be the moment he confesses exactly why he and his ex broke up; yes, there were other issues, but it really came down to his relationship with her

Platonic, possibly romantic, whatever they want to call it in the moment, the love between them is real and now they have a chance to figure out just how deep it goes

Astarion is a little more of a mess, taking longer to accept that yes he does love Gale and no that doesn’t diminish his love for Evie, it’s just different. Evie taught him just how much love he was truly capable of. That itself was a lot to come to terms with, finding out he somehow has even more is nearly overwhelming.

He’d be boarder line paranoid of accidentally pushing Evie away to the point it may slow does his progress with Gale. Luckily Gale is the best person to understand just how important Evie is to Astarion. 

I've got a lot of other random headcanons of the three of them once they all settle into the relationship, but that's the basic set up. If you'd like to hear about some more fluffy rambles or even want some one-shots with the three of them, let me know!

[tobiasdrake]

Obsessed with what it means to be a follower of Junko's ideology of despair. Like. We all know and understand what despair is as a feeling. But. What is despair as an ideological driving force? What does it mean to create a world of despair - like, on the macro scale?

What is the culture of Ultimate Despair as a global movement?

"What is despair as an ideology?" is an incredibly complicated question to answer. So much so that Junko 2.0 herself, Monaca Towa, got twisted up in confused knots trying to answer it and wound up ragequitting the whole thing.

Because at the end of the day, trying to pin a legitimate philosophy to Ultimate Despair may well be an effort in futility. It's an attempt to interpret a consistent and credible belief system out of the impulsive ramblings of a self-destructive neurodivergent teenager chasing the most extreme possible stims. Ultimate Despair as an ideology defies rationality by design.

What does Despair with a capital D mean? I dunno. What does it mean to you?

Culturally, I think Ultimate Despair would be an onion. It would have a lot in common with other kinds of cults; There'd be layers to it. Various depths to descend into when you're ready for the next step of radicalization.

On the surface, the outermost layer of the onion, you have the recruitment and enabling layer. This is where everyone begins their journey into despair. The layer that takes you in and tells you it's okay. It's okay to be yourself. You don't have to pretend. We're not going to judge you. You can find a home here.

This is where recruitment begins, as vulnerable people are given a support network and social structure with one hand, while being fed rhetoric with the other.

On the next layer down, you'd have nihilistic vice indulgence. Nothing matters, there are no rules, so go ahead and do whatever you want. You want to eat the entire pizza? Gamble your savings away? Stab your asshole neighbor in the throat with a fork? You go do that thing. I believe in you.

The second layer is freedom from social consequence. It's where you're taught to stop trying. Stop trying to be better. Stop hoping for a better world. Just give up and indulge your base desires. Despair can be a force for empowerment. Just live in your feelings and do. It doesn't matter what.

At the third layer, you begin to understand what the others are talking about when they say hope is not the enemy of despair, but the fuel for it. It sounded like gibberish before. But you've been listening to podcasts and talking to other members and it's starting to settle in.

You're starting to look forward to things. Foolish, pointless, unnecessary things just to set yourself up for failure. You're playing tricks on other members, inventing lies to get them excited so they can feel the sting of disappointment right alongside you.

Rather than a means to the end of enjoying things, enjoying things is becoming a means to the end of experiencing despair. You're starting to play a trick on your own mind, reframing the hurt and disappointment as enjoyable. You're falling in love with being as miserable as the rest of your community, so you can all commiserate together.

You're learning to wear your misery as a badge of honor.

The fourth layer would then be self-harm. Once people become convinced that despair is empowering then the next step down is the active pursuit of despair. Emotions you depend on can become very addictive. This stage is where trauma becomes a drug.

This stage uses trauma as a ritual of group investment, the way other cults use toxic machismo or financial investment or acts of devotion to their cause. Break your childhood mementos. Shoot your dog. Stab yourself in the gut. Kill your parents. Post pictures of it online and tell your tale so all your bros know how epic of a true despair sufferer you are.

On the upper layers of the onion, they'll assure you that these guys aren't a real thing. Critics of the movement are blowing things out of proportion. But you hit this point and there's nothing better than the rush you get when you find a new form of despair to put on yourself, and everyone else gets to watch you do it and go, "Whoa, I want to get traumatized THAT hard!"

But. Once you've burned all your stuff and killed everyone you love, where do you go from there?

The fifth and final layer is where you receive your mission. You've chased group participation to its farthest possible extreme and nothing means anything anymore. You've desensitized yourself to the world so much that you've become numb to the idea of anything truly mattering. All you have left in front of you is to die for the cause. That's the only purpose your life even has anymore.

You're ready to put on a Monokuma mask and go deface the Statue of Liberty or blow up New York or something. Whatever the leadership structure of Ultimate Despair, which has been largely silent up until this point and allowed the community itself to mold you, now needs from you. You came into this to escape from the burdens of society and now you're ready to become a soldier.

And if they don't give you a mission then you'll devise one on your own. Your final hope is that you'll be remembered as a hero of the cause. Like all other hopes, it is a lie.

[3c0ra-zon3]

Content Warning: Talks about eating disorders/disordered eating, just mentions, but I figure it's better to be safe! :]

I saw someone say food is freedom in One Piece, and like. Yeah. Even in this world, food is freedom, isn't it? So allow me to ramble about why One Piece's message, or at least how interept it, is so very important to me.

I think the reason One Piece hits and hurts so hard, for me, is because of how it talks about and what it insinuates about food and loneliness and freedom. The way those who love food have such a freedom to them, the way food brings so many together. I've struggled my entire life with loneliness, then I began to struggle with the freedom to be myself, and then I began to struggle with food. I lost my freedom again, just in a new and confusing way. I have found the freedom to be myself, but I still struggle greatly with food. Honestly, I've relapsed rather hard into my eating disorder lately. A bit before my relapse, I began watching One Piece and I think it didn't register with my how important food is in the OPverse but as I go on I begin to realize it more and more. Luffy's love for food, Luffy's kindness and willingness to give help to the ends of the earth when that food is shared. I think at first I found it a bit odd, but really, it makes sense. These people often struggle under an oppressive government or in deep poverty, and despite that, they are kind enough to share with someone who's hungry. It's almost a way to show that, though they aren't free, they have not lost the free will. And then, after the fight, once these people have gained their freedom, a giant feast the size of which they likely have no indulged on in so long is had. They dance and eat and enjoy each others company and bask in their freedom.

Or when Ace joins the Whitebeard pirates, his last conversation with Marco before officially joining, he is offered a meal despite all he's done. He's felt he was was being backed into a corner, so he snarls and shows his teeth, he shows them his worst. He tries to kill their captain for christ sake! But, still, they offer him food. I think food hold a lot of importantance towards Ace as well.

And, dear God, the thesis I could write on Zeff and Sanji's relationship with food. I could make an entire blog full of different eating disorders/disordered eating habits I headcanon Sanji with. But, I'll condense it a bit. Sanji's self-worth and his relationship with food is a symbolism I will never get over. I'm sure there is a part of him that battles with whether he is deserving of food or not, especially pre-WCI. I imagine Sanji is always the last to eat if he eats at all. A lot of what I have to say with Sanji's relationship with food is not canon or how interept it, so I'll just say. I think after WCI, when he truly has his freedom, he seems lighter. I've not made it all the through, but I think there is a sort of new willingness to allow himself food, from what I've seen and imagined.

I could honestly ramble about it all day and night, One Piece and food and freedom, but I'm at work on my break and I think if I were to go back on the floor sobbing, I may get a concerned look or two. So I figure I should conclude this with:

In One Piece, food is freedom, and everyone deserves freedom so therefore every deserves food. Food brings people together in a way that no other thing really can. I resonate with those ideals in a way that I can not begin to express properly. I wish that knowing that made me feel worthy of food and recovery, I wish knowing and seeing all that made me reach out, but it hasn't yet. So, I hope that one day, I will experience something close to what I imagine Sanji did. Realizing I worthy, beyond just hearing or saying it, but truly and wholeheartedly knowing I am worthy of companionship and food and freedom. I could honestly write a whole thesis on food and One Piece, I might, maybe it will help me truly realize these things, but who knows?

I honestly wish I could find the post again, but it's lost in my likes 😭 I would love to read more posts about it, so if anyone who sees this recalls any posts please tag the author post so I can read it!!! Apartently, "One Piece food symbolism" is too specific/niche a topic for Tumblr search bar to find many posts.

[fastcardotmp3]

twirling my hair around my finger, heyyyyyy. so how can i bribe you into sharing all the thought and comments you say you have about meta?

i don't really have any specific questions because ideally i'd want to open up your brain like a book and browse through absolutely everything, so i'm not sure where i should 'aim' so to speak?

is there smg in particular you'd like to share about? an area you want to expand on, because there's more than that's on the page that you'd like to explicitly discuss or just because it's your favorite to talk about?

i'm chin hands, and would be thrilled at every crumb you felt like sending our way queen

oh my GOD the can of worms here you don't know what you're doing I want to talk about METAMORPHOSES all the time always 😭

it's the fic I'm proudest for having said exactly what I wanted it to say without going on tangents the way my other longfic did and it's the fic I'm proudest for having completed both at all and the way I did narratively and I just!!

thanks for humoring me I know my rambling about this fic can get longwinded and annoying but it means the world to get to ramble at all tbh I am also twirling my hair kicking my feet etc super grateful for you, anon 💚💚💚

I've been sitting with this ask all day thinking about what little thing I could go on a self-indulgence about, but instead I just keep adding to the list of topics and giving you nothing so! if you would be so patient as to indulge me, a list in no particular order of things I worked hard on in the writing of that story:

(under the cut because, surprise surprise, I got longwinded again)

a motorcycle as a symbol of independence, meaning it's the thing that carries him to acts of joy but also acts of self-destruction, but also ultimately being something he gets to keep in the long run because relearning he does not have to earn independence and freedom by being good is kind of his whole deal during his healing process. he's human and he's allowed to fuck up and that doesn't mean he gets stripped of the right to potentially fuck up again in the future!

ourboros and cycles and the destruction/recreation-isms of recovery in the way Eddie has to rebuild all but from scratch post-Kas, and that when he relapses and falters the cycle starts over, only this time "from scratch" has a slightly stronger foundation

El. Just El in general and the reasons what she does in this fic is the most in-character thing I've ever written for her I LOVE HER SO MUCH AND I LOVED WRITING HER IN THIS FIC

the collective theme of our young adults as people who don't "turn out" the way they're expected to, who end up following paths that make sense entirely even if they don't look like they do on the surface, particularly for both Steve and Nancy who shirk careers that everyone on the outside perceives as being perfect for them in favor of ones that feel right, even accomplish the same things but in a way that's more natural to them (and also the way this aligns with Eddie's own journey of not being what he looks like on the surface)

MEDUSA. just. yeah. seeing being seen the danger in both the necessity of both the difference between a gift and punishment and so on and so forth

control over one's own physical appearance as grappling with control over literally anything else for both Eddie and El, and the ways they both go from that as a desperate sort of coping mechanism to a calmer and more joyful one

honestly just the formatting of the openings to each chapter and whose voices get bolded versus italicized (specifically later on in the fic) and why because it does change and it is on purpose fjadskl

Steve's pov of when Eddie runs away!!! I almost wrote a whole chapter of this but knew it would fuck up the pacing too much so I held myself back, but I think about his utter panic all the time when he realizes that Eddie is just gone and the last thing Steve did was say something bitchy and slam the door on his way out

Nancy and Eddie's dance lessons as a goofy bit of light-heartedness but also so much more than that

AND I'M GONNA STOP SORRY BUT YOU OPENED THE FLOOD GATES AND I CARE ABOUT THIS UNIVERSE TOO MUCH HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY AND THANK YOU DEARLY FOR ASKING I OWE YOU MY LIFE 💚🐍

[gorgojijijijito]

I've made it my entire personality at this point but with what I'm doing I can't really help it, being an aromantic trying to rewrite a romance is HARD oh my gosh. yes im a self shipper so im no stranger to creating 'romantic' scenarios, but those portrayals of it are only born from my complicated relationship towards platonic and romantic attraction and activity. i literally only do it because im touch starved and have trust issues and confuse that with a need for a romantic relationship. i still do it because it's fun and self-indulgent, but i know that it's going to become a big obstacle when writing scenes that are meant to appeal to alloromantic audiences in Bride of Discord. that being said, im begging you guys to hold me accountable if my input in my ramblings about it are skewed or innacurate. right now im just going off of my background knowledge for general healthy relationships.

With that out of the way, commence the rambling ig.

I think the biggest difference in the acts of love in Bride of Discord as opposed to one of the works it was inspired from, Disney's Beauty and the Beast, is that BOD's are all either transactional, or hammer in the subconscious knowledge that Fluttershy is trapped. I'll go through them one by one explaining my grievances in separate posts bc ive got a LOT to say.

First of all, our first exchange that parallels Beauty and the Beast; the circumstance of how Fluttershy/Belle came to be in the love interest's domain. This one is honestly the least offensive of them that I can think of as of now, but it still has uncomfortable elements. It largely mirrors the circumstance in Beauty and the Beast, however a forced marriage was in mind from the beginning. Fine, whatever, arranged marriage is a popular trope so I don't mind it as much.

I actually like how Fluttershy's view towards it is portrayed; she doesn't see happiness for herself in any path she takes in life, and that hopelessness she feels leads her to face her worst fear in the most head-on way possible. It feels in character for her, considering it's an act of kindness and sacrifice for Equestria, and for the mental state she's portrayed with for the prior episodes, giving up her freedom is, unfortunately, a common last resort people with depression may take in order to feel something at all. I wish the audiodrama leaned more into her mental health issues, it would have fit really well for the tone of the story and provide an interesting turn of character that we don't really look into much with a show as lighthearted and FIM. Maybe it's just me, but i love learning about and exploring stories that illustrate the ways environmental factors, be it your surroundings or peers, can influence the way you perceive yourself, others, and your purpose in life.

But nope. cant do anything interesting like that cuz discord's gotta be creepy and touch her and dote on her all the time. i get it, it can be cute for a shy character to get embarrassed for being praised, but that isn't what's happening in these scenes, as much as the drama wants to convince you it is. Discord is simply taking advantage of her vulnerability to attempt to woo her with no concern for her protests or consent, and it's extremely uncomfortable to watch. He never apologizes for it and never backs off, all it does is literally tire her out. there is no change in how he values her consent from when he returns and when she asks him to keep stroking her mane, she just feels more comfortable with it because she told him about the one time she got stood up. he doesn't respect her as a person with boundaries, he only hesitates because he's flustered that he's lost the intimidation he'd used in order to overpower her in the previous month.

I feel like it would be better if Discord uses the touching and complimenting to make her uncomfortable in the beginning bc, you know, hes a piece of shit before he gets to know her, but then, as he grows to see her as a person with her own right to agency and desires, he stops himself whenever he catches himself. When Fluttershy talks to him about the reason it made her uncomfortable, he directly apologizes for his overbearingness and actually SEES the error of his ways. THEEENnn we can gradually have fluttershy actually ASK to be touched and comforted when their relationship feels mutually transparent, as they feel no more need to feep up a front about their feelings for one-another.

[shera-dnd]

Here is an extremely self indulgent fic that no one asked for and I certainly wasn't planning to write, but the idea hit me so hard I just had to put it into words.

So here it is, my take on Transmasc Weiss Schnee (well, a take on that concept, considering how Truth in the Name is going). It's a bit silly, but I'm very proud of it.

Also it ended up being exactly 6969 words long somehow and I'm even more proud of that!

Weiss’s first impression with most of her friends had been atrocious to say the least. She insulted her partner’s intelligence, got in fights with all her teammates, and gods know her treatment of Jaune wasn’t exactly stellar. But none of them compared to her first impression with Sun Wukong.

Chasing the man halfway across the commercial district while spouting racist bullshit was not exactly how you made friends. But she was a better person now… well, she was working on it. Either way Sun was Blake’s friend now, and Weiss felt the need to compensate for their less than ideal introduction.

So here she was, hanging out on the roof of the dorms he’d been staying in, just a casual conversation, or at least Weiss’s best approximation of one. They were quick to find that they had just about nothing in common outside of being huntsmen, but Sun was happy to carry the entire conversation on his back, rambling on about whatever topic crossed his mind, while Weiss just smiled and nodded.

He was loud, unrefined and surprisingly pleasant to be around. In all honesty Weiss expected this to fail miserably, and was simply trying to be the one to offer an olive branch, but against all odds, she was enjoying his company. Though there was one thing that kept distracting her.

“Okay, I just have to ask,” Weiss blurted out, no longer able to avoid the topic, “why are you always shirtless?”

“Oh you know, I couldn’t deny the world all this,” Sun replied, with a bright smile and a nice flex. She was not impressed in the slightest, so he dropped the act, “for real though, it’s just comfortable, and kinda freeing in a way. I can move more freely, it isn’t so tight on my chest, and I get to enjoy the breeze.”

That was oddly simple. He dressed like that, not to project a certain image of himself, but because it made him feel comfortable. Reasonable as that was, the concept felt so alien to Weiss that she couldn’t help but scoff and dismiss his words.

“Are you sure you don’t just have an exhibitionist streak?”

Sun laughed it off and soon they returned to their conversation from before, and yet Sun’s words refused to leave her mind. Even days later she still kept thinking about his motive, though she couldn’t quite put a finger on why.

One day as she stepped out of the shower, looked herself in the mirror and...stopped. She did a few stretches, moved a little to test things out and paused in surprise. Sun was right, this was so much more comfortable, and there was definitely something to be said about the freedom of movement.

Though there was one problem with this new look, well two actually, and as small as they were they were still right there on her chest. There was no way in hell she could just walk around with those on display all the time. She kept staring at herself in the mirror, as if she could make her breasts disappear with a long enough deathglare.

Instead she came up with a far less extreme solution. With some quick brushes she put her extremely long hair to some good use, draping it over her chest. Thankfully her breasts were so small that even with this little to cover them it already looked like she didn’t have any at all. This of course would do nothing for her if she decided to walk around Beacon like this, but it should be enough for when she’s hanging out in the dormroom.

She should probably check if her teammates were okay with it first though.

“Uh...team?” Weiss quietly called, only her face poking out of the bathroom door.

“Hey, Ice Queen,” Yang replied, pausing the game she was playing with Ruby, “did you forget anything?”

“No, actually,” she clarified, pausing for a long long moment as she tried to figure out what to say next, “I have something to ask you.”

“Okay,” Ruby said, looking very confused, “don’t you wanna come out of the bathroom to ask it?”

“No!” Weiss answered so fast that now she had her entire team looking suspiciously at her, “I uh--would you guys mind if I started going topless around the dorm?”

They all looked at her dumbfounded, none of them sure what to say to that kind of question. The way Ruby shook her head it was clear she thought she had misheard her somehow. Never had their dorm room been so quiet, and with every passing moment of silence Weiss’s shame grew more and more. That was a stupid thing to ask, of course they’d say no! She wasn’t even sure why she was so disappointed by it.

“I blame Sun,” Blake declared, the first to break the growing silence.

“You were the one who got them to talk,” Ruby argued, “now his influence is rubbing off on her.”

Now they were joking. She was invested in this, and they were joking.

“No one’s influence is rubbing off on anything!” Weiss cut in, sounding angrier than even she expected, “I’m serious. Can I walk around topless or not?”

Thankfully that shut them down pretty quickly. No one invested enough in the joke to risk making their friend genuinely angry.

“Yeah, I’m cool with that,” Yang answered with a shrug.

“If it helps you feel comfortable,” Ruby tried, still uncertain if any of this was actually seriously happening right now.

“As long as you’re not weird about it,” was Blake’s response, her eyes returning to the book in her hands.

“Thank you,” Weiss sighed in relief, visibly relaxing now that her friends all seemed to be okay with her odd request. Which led her to her next odd request, “now can someone throw me my pants?”

“Wait! You actually own pants!?” Yang asked, gasping in fake shock.

“Please just shut up, and pass me those stupid pajama pants,” she groaned, so tired of Yang’s bullshit, “all my dresses are single pieces, and I don’t wanna walk around naked!”

Annoying as she was the entire time, Yang did pass her the damn pants. Weiss put those on, checked herself in the mirror to make sure her hair was positioned where she needed it, and braced herself to leave. She didn’t know why, but this felt important, important enough that she had exposed herself to all those stupid jokes earlier, so she gave herself a little moment to breathe, before finally stepping out into the dorm.

And it was as if nothing had changed. Sure they all glanced curiously at her - Ruby making a pointed effort to not look below her neckline - but there were no jokes, no comments, everyone just continued with their night, and...so did Weiss. It was strange really, everything seemed the same, but it just felt different, more freeing somehow. Maybe Sun really was right about this whole shirt thing.

The next day Weiss ordered several more pants online, along with a couple button up shirts for the colder months. If she had it her way she wouldn’t wear another top any time soon. But classes soon came along, and that meant wearing her uniform.

It was weird. She never had any problems with that uniform before, but today she could feel the fabric constricting her chest, holding too tight around her. And yet she felt exposed, the skirt she once wore without a care now feeling uncomfortably short, showing off far too much of her legs.

Her displeasure must have been clear on her face, because she was soon stopped by her team leader. “Is everything okay? You look uncomfortable,” Ruby asked, sweet as she always was.

“I’m fine,” Weiss lied, struggling to adjust her skirt, “I just never noticed how annoying this uniform was.”

Yang then saw fit to interject with another of her lovely jokes, “her tits have tasted freedom and refuse to be contained ever again.”

“That’s not… entirely untrue,” she admitted, grumpily, “I don’t wanna walk around Beacon with my chest exposed for all to see, but some comfort in my day to day wear would be appreciated.”

“The boys’ uniform is a lot less form fitting,” Blake offered, “maybe you could request new uniforms, or at least borrow someone else’s.”

“Oh,” Weiss hadn’t thought of that, “I’ll ask Ren if I can borrow one of his until I get time to talk to the staff about this uniform situation.”

Thankfully Ren was very helpful, and allowed her to take one of his without any questions or awkward comments. Jaune was being extremely Jaune the entire time she spent in the Team JNPR dorm room, but she was pretty good at filtering him out by now.

This whole uniform mess unfortunately left her with no time to fix up her makeup, and her ponytail ended up looking a lot messier and less elaborate than usual, but it all ended up tying the look together pretty nicely. Messy, but in a comfortable and surprisingly stylish way. She could definitely see herself rocking this look from here on out.

Sure, she got quite a few stares throughout the day, but no one dared to bother her or comment on it. She even got a little thumbs up from Coco, which was high praise coming from the most stylish person in all of Beacon.

Requesting the replacement uniforms was also surprisingly easy. Ozpin didn’t really care how students chose to present, as long as what they were wearing was part of the uniform, the choice of gender mattered little to him. Though he and Glynda did share a strange look after she made her request.

Like they knew something she didn’t.

Days went by and soon this became the new normal for her. Hanging out topless in the dorms, wearing her handsomely disheveled look to class, actually focusing on doing what made her comfortable, and not maintaining the image she had been trained to maintain at all times.

Though it still infuriated her that she couldn’t figure out a good look to replace her usual combat gear. Sure, she had picked that dress herself, but it had been a clinical choice, a coldly calculated maneuver so she could project the precise kind of unapproachable aura she wanted. Now that she had begun dressing how she liked, she was at a loss for what to do.

At least when team RWBY was practicing alone she could just wear her casual clothes and not bother much about it.

Speaking of that casual look, she finally got her hands on one last thing to bring the look together. A silver necklace now hung low from her neck, holding the Schnee family crest just over her heart, a reminder that even dressed like this she was the heiress to the Schnee family, and the SDC.

She checked herself in the mirror. Hair tied in a messy bun, jean jacket left completely unbuttoned, and only closed enough to hide her breasts. The pants she was wearing were pretty loose and comfortable, and her shoes had not even the hint of a heel. By all accounts the person in the bathroom mirror right now looked nothing like the Weiss Schnee everyone knew, but for the first time she could remember, her reflection did not look like a stranger in her eyes.

A single tear fell from her eye. Well that was odd, what reason did she have for crying? It was just some new clothes, it shouldn’t get her all emotional like this.

Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, Weiss was snapped out of this emotionally fragile state by the sound of someone knocking on the dormroom door.

“Hey, Sun,” Yang greeted, “Blake isn’t around, but I can give her a call if you want.”

“Actually, I was looking for Weiss,” he told her, “it's been a while since we hung out, and I thought I’d introduce her to a friend.”

“Hey,” Weiss greeted, stepping into the dormroom proper, “what was that about a friend?”

“Yeah, he--” Sun turned around to talk to her, but immediately went slack jawed, clearly unable to process Weiss’s new look, or more accurately, that she almost stole his look entirely. “Wow!”

Well, at least he wasn’t checking her out or being a creep.

“I’ll pretend you were just frozen by my stunning good looks,” she joked, leaning against the doorframe.

“Y-Yeah,” he stammered, much to Weiss’s and Yang’s amusement, “uh, you wanna go meet my partner?”

“That depends, am I gonna have to button this up?” She asked, surprising even herself with that condition.

“Damn, Ice Queen,” Yang commented, “you wanna make a good impression that bad?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She complained, crossing her arms, and promptly realizing exactly what she meant, “ah, right.”

Why did she sound so disappointed at that? It felt so stupid.

“Don’t worry. Neptune hangs out with me all the time,” Sun assured her, trying to casually wave off her worries, “I’m sure he won’t even notice.”

He sounded almost empathetic towards her silly plight. It made her feel a little less weird about it, even if she still had no explanation for why it got to her so much.

Thankfully Sun didn’t push the subject any further, and they were lucky enough to not run into anyone on the way out. At least no one who would recognize her, everyone who did see them just assumed they were two dudes hanging out. A thought that pleased Weiss far more than it had any right to.

And once again the two of them found themselves on a roof, casually chatting away as they waited for Sun’s partner to join them.

“You really took my words to heart, huh?” Sun teased, nudging her with his elbow.

She gave him her most exasperated eye roll, but had no means to argue on that point, “I guess you had a point.”

“Of course I did,” Sun nodded proudly, “but are you sure you don’t just have an exhibitionist streak?”

“Shirts are very uncomfortable, okay!” She nearly shouted, shooting him a death glare for daring to use her words against her, “if I didn’t have to worry about people ogling my breasts, I’d walk around topless everywhere.”

“Boy, do I know that feeling,” Sun joked. Or at least Weiss assumed he joked, because she wasn’t sure how he could relate to that particular problem.

“What do you me--”

“Hey, Sun!” Another voice called. It belonged to a tall and handsome man with blue hair. He looked pretty tired, with sweat dripping down his brow. Not like that took away from his good looks in the slightest. “Next time... pick a meeting place that isn’t up four flights of stairs, okay?”

“How else am I gonna keep you in tip top shape?” Sun laughed, giving his friend a powerful slap on the back that nearly sent him flying.

The man seemed ready to get in an argument with his teammate, but then he noticed they had company. He walked up to Weiss, running a hand through his hair and shooting her a winning smile

“Hey,” he greeted, with a little wink, before his eyes drifted just a little lower and he nearly jumped back in surprise, “shit! Sorry, dude, I thought you were a girl. My bad.”

That was not the reaction she’d hope for. She knew her new look was a bit different, but were people really confusing her for a boy now? That was just silly, Weiss was still very clearly a girl, right? Her confusion mixed with the frustration of having Neptune’s flirtation cut short, and with a bizarre pang of... joy? Pride? Weiss wasn’t quite sure, but it was only making her more confused.

And Sun - helpful as he was - decided to intervene before things got any more awkward, “actually--”

“I get that all the time,” Weiss interrupted, “I’m Weiss, by the way.”

She wasn’t sure what drove her to do it, but when she noticed Sun about to correct him, she couldn’t keep herself from cutting in. Maybe she was just curious to see how long she could keep the act up, how long she could keep this man convinced that she was a man too. Yeah, that was it, just a little game, and once he figured things out they would all just laugh about it.

“Neptune,” he greeted, offering her his fist. It took Weiss a moment to register what the gesture meant, but after that brief pause she punched it, “I see Sun has converted you to his sense of fashion.”

“He had a point,” she admitted, begrudgingly, “I guess I just never dressed with my own comfort in mind before.”

“That’s nice and all, but I just couldn’t sacrifice the style,” Neptune replied, making finger guns at her.

Both Sun and Weiss took offense to that remark.

Weiss stepped forward, standing very close to him, then she ran a hand through her hair and shot him a winning smile, “what? Don’t have the confidence to rock the look?”

Neptune stammered, completely taken by surprise by this surprisingly pretty ‘guy’ using his tactics against him. Sun could only laugh at his expense. “He’s got you there, dude.”

‘He’. That word didn’t bother Weiss nearly as much as it should. Though it was probably just the satisfaction of having him play along with her little game. Yeah, that was totally it, and she would think no further on this subject.

Definitely not.

“Look, the shirtless thing just isn’t for everyone, okay?” He argued, looking completely embarrassed.

Team no shirt couldn’t help but laugh, Sun even giving her a high five. This was... nice, actually. They weren’t nearly as cool as they were trying to be, but they had a little dorky charm to them, and she felt comfortable hanging out with this particular pair of idiots.

From there on Weiss started hanging out more with the two dumbasses, and even got to meet the rest of team SSSN. Of course this didn’t mean she was neglecting team RWBY, in fact she even deigned to play Ruby’s little board game with them. It went about as well as she expected.

“‘Sup losers,” Sun greeted, as he walked into the ridiculous drama that now developed around the table, “Ruby, Blake, Yang, Ice King.”

“Really?” Weiss complained, though she still got up to give him a fist bump.

“Hey, dude,” Neptune called as well, still fully convinced that Weiss was a guy.

“Hey,” she called back, greeting him with a wink.

Weiss was too distracted by her new friends to notice her other friends looking completely baffled at her. Ruby went as far as pinching her own arm to make sure she didn’t just dream that all up.

“Oh my gods,” Nora gasped from the neighboring table, “what happened to our Ice Qu--”

A well placed glyph pulled the chair from under her, shutting her up before she could out Weiss.

“Anyways, nice to see you two, but we should probably get going, right?” Weiss asked the rest of her team, nervously.

“Yeah, let’s,” Blake replied with a sigh, “this is all a waste of time anyway.”

Ah right, she was still dealing with all that stuff.

Thankfully, the rest of the team agreed to leave, if only to keep an eye on Blake. Though Ruby’s mind was still on whatever the hell Weiss had just done.

“So what was all that about?” She asked.

“What? Me and Sun are friends now,” Weiss replied, sounding almost offended.

“But the whole Ice King thing? And you cutting Nora off?” Ruby didn’t seem to be sure which of those surprised her more.

“I - uh - well, Neptune confused me for a boy when we first met,” she said, as if that explained anything, “and I thought I’d play along, just to see how long it would take him to realize it.”

“I see,” Ruby answered, though she sounded just as confused as before, “was the winking part of the act?”

That got Weiss to blush, “no, I was just, you know,” she tried, but it was obvious that Ruby did not know what she meant, “...trying to get him to ask me out.”

“Oh!” Ruby exclaimed, seeming completely caught by surprise, “wouldn’t you pretending to be a guy kinda get in the way of that?”

She did have a point there. If Weiss kept the act on for too long then she wouldn’t get to invite him to the ball. Though Scarlet did joke that Neptune’s heterosexuality was one stiff breeze away from crumbling over. Wait, that didn’t help her at all, if he found out he was gay then she wouldn’t get to date him at all. Would her own flirting somehow backfire so tremendously it causes him to come out?

Nope, she was not gonna address this mess at all. She was just gonna keep her little act, and keep flirting with him, because she was genuinely having fun, and it had been so long since she did anything because it was fun.

“It’s not like I’m gonna keep the act forever,” Weiss reasoned, “I’m sure he’ll figure it out eventually, we’ll just laugh it all off, and I might even get to ask him out.”

“Okay,” Ruby shrugged and moved on, putting an end to the conversation. It was clear she still didn't understand what Weiss was trying to do, but she didn't judge either and that was greatly appreciated.

What wasn’t appreciated was her putting Weiss and Neptune on separate teams for their secret mission. Ruby knew she was into him, so why would she take away such a perfect chance for them to get together? Was she jealous or something? Did she think that if Weiss started dating him that she wouldn’t have time to spend with her?

No, that was just too silly, Ruby was a capable leader and was probably just making what she saw as the best tactical decision. Didn’t mean Weiss couldn’t be grumpy about it, especially after she got ditched halfway through the mission.

Thankfully she got to take out her frustrations on a giant atlesian mech, though she was still furious with the fact that Roman managed to escape, especially after he dropped that stupid nickname on her, ‘Ice Queen’. Neptune wasn’t even there to hear it, but it still grated against her. She was really starting to hate the sound of it.

But that was the least of her worries. Right now she had a party to organize, a boy to ask out, and a burned out teammate to deal with. At least she had the help of her team on that last one, each of them trying their best to try to get Blake to rest and relax for a bit, maybe even enjoy the dance with them.

They all failed, of course, but they tried. They barely got to talk about the dance before she walked out on them, not even sparing a glance back.

“Great,” Yang complained.

“She can’t keep going like this,” Weiss agreed.

And then they heard a knock at the door. Well that was strange, was she back already? Weiss got up to go check, none of them noticing the problem with that, used as they were to Weiss’s new casual hangout outfit.

She opened the door to find Jaune, with a guitar in hand and his eyes closed, he strummed it a few times and sang out - if that could even be called singing - “Wei--”

That was when he opened his eyes and they were all reminded that in that moment Weiss Schnee was completely topless. He stumbled backwards in surprise, an apology halfway out his mouth before Weiss slammed the door on him. Not out of anger over his stupid display of… whatever that was, but out of so much embarrassment.

“Why did none of you tell me!?” She demanded, her voice almost a scheech.

The two sisters could only shrug.

“I guess we got used to seeing you like that,” Yang offered.

“Yeah, I kinda get weirded out when I see you in uniform now,” Ruby added.

They were used to seeing her like this? That was a strangely pleasant surprise, knowing that her team was as comfortable with this as she was. It felt reassuring in a way that Weiss couldn't quite understand.

No, it was more like she was actively refusing to understand it at this point.

Weiss felt almost touched, which meant it was time for another one of Yang’s lovely comments, “but on the bright side you really made Jaune’s whole week with that show.”

“Yang Xiao Long!”

After verbally tearing her best friend a new one, Weiss focused her mind on the primary task at hand: Inviting Neptune to the dance, preferably in a way that didn’t make her look like an idiot like Jaune.

So she put on her nicest jacket, pulled the sleeves up to show off a little, and spent about an hour in front of the mirror trying to get her hair to the perfect degree of messy. She checked herself out one last time, and damn was she looking handsome. This was the kind of look that would have made her swoon. Filled with confidence, she winked at the mirror, and did some finger guns... then decided to never do that ever again.

With that done, she took a deep breath, steeled herself, and went off to find her dream date. Who happened to be going for a walk right at the same time. Perfect! Now all she had to do was walk up to him and ask.

“Neptune!” She called, sounding a bit more nervous than she would have liked.

“Hey dude,” he greeted, offering her a fist, which she punched on reflex.

Not the best way to start this conversation.

“So I know this is a bit... unorthodox, but I’ve been thinking,” she began, cursing herself for choosing the word ‘unorthodox’, “would you like to accompany me to the dance?”

“As a friend?” He asked, dealing a terrible blow to Weiss’s self esteem.

“As my date,” she corrected.

“Shit, sorry dude,” Neptune awkwardly apologized, scratching the back of his head, “I don’t really swing that way.”

“Oh”

“Like I’m flattered, honestly,” he continued, trying to soften a blow that had already shattered Weiss’s heart to pieces, “but I’m just not into other men.”

“I see,” Weiss replied, completely stunned, “sorry for bothering you.”

Neptune apologized a few more times, but Weiss was too devastated to process what was being said. She just muttered a few words of reassurance, and dragged herself back to the dormroom. Ruby was the first to find her there, a complete sobbing mess, hugging her pillow in the dark.

“Weiss!” Ruby called, as she turned on the light and shut the door behind her, “what happened?”

Weiss didn’t want to talk about it. She wanted to bury her face in her pillow, and never interact with another human being again. Ruby had other plans. She climbed onto the bed, taking Weiss’s hand and offering her the sweetest look anyone other than Klein had ever offered her.

It was just enough to help Weiss compose herself at least enough to respond, “I asked Neptune to the dance.”

Ruby didn’t respond, just gave her hand a reassuring squeeze, and waited for her to continue.

“And he said no,” she continued, tears threatening to flow again, “he said he wasn’t into guys.”

That caught Ruby by surprise, though Weiss was too deep in her own feelings to understand why until she heard her say, “but Weiss, you’re not a ‘guy’.”

“Oh,” the sound escaped Weiss’s mouth unbidden, she was too dazed to stop it. At least she was also too dazed to cry again, “yes, you’re right.”

Her teammate didn’t seem all that convinced by that emotionless response, “are you?”

A nervous laughter forced its way out, along with an uncomfortable smile, “of course I’m not. I’m Weiss Schnee, heiress and huntress, and a girl.”

Then why did saying those words feel like stabbing her own heart out?

“Is that who you want to be?” Ruby continued to ask.

No!

“It’s who I have to be.” She couldn’t afford to be anyone else. Couldn’t afford to be anything but the perfect heiress, the perfect daughter.

“But who do you want to be?” She insisted, taking Weiss’s other hand, and looking her in the eye.

And in that moment Weiss could see it, reflected in those silver eyes of hers, a boy with messy hair, a loose shirt, with the crest of the family he was so proud of hanging from his neck. He saw himself, and in a moment all those thoughts he kept at bay for so long, all those things he refused to address, it all came flooding back, and once again he cried.

“I want to be a boy!”

Ruby pulled him into a hug and let him cry all he wanted.

“Weiss,” she called, rubbing gentle circles on his back, “you already are.”

“Oh,” he gasped for the second time that night, “I-I guess I am.”

Weiss didn’t know how long they stayed like that, but by the time the others returned he had already cried everything out of his system. Well, almost everything, he was pretty sure he could cry a little more depending on how everyone else reacted to the news.

Not like he had the guts to open up to them yet. No, he just sat there and continued to pretend for the rest of the night. Ruby didn’t feel like pushing him into confessing, which was something he was oh so grateful for, but she really looked ready to correct her team any time they misgenered him.

Come to think of it, Blake and Yang didn’t use all that many gendered terms for him. In fact they seemed to have been avoiding those for a while now. That couldn’t mean what he thought that meant, right? They couldn't have figured it out before he did, could they?

It all just added to the mess of questions bouncing around in his head. Too many thoughts keeping his mind abuzz even as they got ready for bed. And once everyone had fallen asleep, he still laid there, staring at the bottom of Ruby’s bunk, wide awake and full of worries.

“Hey,” he called, quietly, not wanting to wake anyone up, “are you guys awake?”

“Yeah,” Ruby was the first to answer.

“Mhm,” then was Yang.

Then some noncommittal grumbles from Blake.

And that was everyone. He got the attention of his whole team, better make the most of it.

“Can I tell you guys something?” He asked, voice almost dying in his throat.

“Shoot,” Yang answered, rolling in bed to look at him.

“I uh…” he tried to speak, but he was so nervous. He knew he didn’t have any reason to worry, he knew none of them would judge, that they would still love him. But the thought of saying it out loud still terrified him. No, this was his team, his best friends, they loved him unconditionally, and they deserved to know the truth. “I think… no, no I’m pretty sure of it. I’m a boy.”

There was a moment of silence and Weiss’s mind got filled with wilder and wilder terrifying scenarios of all the things that could go wrong now, all the ways he could have fucked up, and how they would never want him again. Then Yang decided to say something stupid again.

“Took you long enough.” She yawned.

“Yang!” Ruby yelled, throwing a pillow at her sister.

But Weiss just laughed. What else could he do? His best friends had somehow figured out he was a boy long before he did. It just made it all feel so absurd, so silly. So of course he couldn’t do anything but laugh.

“Yang,” he called, “you’re the worst.”

“Love you too, Ice King,” she joked, with that stupid little nickname that he was learning to love, “glad you got to figure yourself out.”

“I’m happy for you,” Blake muttered, still her over-exhausted and grumpy self, but at least she got some happiness to spare for him.

“Not gonna say anything, Rubes?” Yang teased.

“I don’t have to,” Ruby declared proudly, “I helped him out of the closet.”

Weiss could not deny the little thrill of joy he felt at hearing his partner call him ‘he’.

“Speaking of which,” Yang began, a smirk on her face that made Weiss want to hide his behind his pillow, “how did you figure it out?

“We have a long day tomorrow! We should probably get some sleep!” Weiss blurted out, vehemently refusing to answer that question, “okay! That’s all! Good night!”

He turned around in his bed and proceeded to pretend to sleep. He could still hear his teammates chuckling, and Yang tossing Ruby’s pillow back.

“Good night, Weiss.”

“Good night, dude.”

“Sleep well.”

Weiss was right, he still had plenty of tears left to cry.

But after a surprisingly emotional night, he had far more important things on his mind. Primarily, getting ready for the dance. If he had taken an hour to get ready just to ask a guy out, he was gonna take at least all afternoon to get ready to properly go to said dance. Thankfully his new date was patient.

Somewhat.

“Weiss, hurry up!” Ruby complained, for the fifth time that day, which showed sage-like patience for her standards, “it’s just a dance.”

“It isn’t just a dance,” he complained from inside the bathroom, “it’s my first time going out as a guy. I gotta make a good first impression.”

Ruby couldn’t really argue with that. It’s why she offered to be his date, so he wouldn’t be alone in what felt like such a huge step for him. Yang would have offered to accompany him too, but she was too busy wrangling Blake.

And after what felt like an eternity he took a deep breath and stepped out of the bathroom, “how do I look?”

Weiss had spent most of his life mastering the art of looking absolutely perfect in every way. No flaws were permitted, no mistakes, no changes. These past few weeks had taught him how to pull off flawed in just the perfect way.

Weiss’s hair was tied in a neat ponytail, though a few strands hung loose, covering his good eye just enough to highlight his scar. His dress shirt was oh so slightly ruffled, with the top buttons undone, and his sleeves cuffed at his biceps. The tie too was just loose enough that it would look accidentally messy, but tight enough that it would look sloppy. And to finish the look he tossed his suit jacket over his shoulder, put his other hand in his pocket, and gave Ruby a little cocky half smile.

His noble and kind team leader giggled. She had the gall to look him in the eye, and giggle. Weiss had never been so offended in his life. He must have looked completely appalled, because Ruby quickly began to apologize.

“Sorry, sorry, you look amazing, I swear,” she offered, though he remained unamused, “it’s just funny seeing you try so hard to look good when you’re already super pretty all the time.”

He wanted to tell her that he wanted to look handsome, not pretty, but the sheer blunt honesty of that comment was enough to shut him up. Weiss had been called pretty for years, and he could objectively agree with that assessment, but it never felt true, it always sounded fake or forced. Now it was so obvious why, because the moment someone saw him for who really was, the moment someone saw him drop the act, and still told him he was beautiful, he could feel his heart soar.

He could definitely get used to this.

“Come on, Weiss,” she called, offering him her arm, “we got a dance to go to.”

Right, yeah, the dance. First time going out as a boy, nothing to stress over, nope, totally fine.

Thankfully his team seemed determined to make sure he had a good time.

“Damn, Ice King,” Yang greeted them at the door, “here to make everyone question their sexuality?”

It was such a stupid comment, but it did wonders for his nerves, “nah, just here to have fun with my favorite partner,” he answered, “though I wouldn’t mind the prospect.”

“Just be careful not to catch Jaune in the collateral, alright? Pyrrha would never forgive you if you did,” Yang replied with a chuckle, before waving them in, “now go have fun, you two.”

Right, Pyrrha. She was coming to the dance alone, right? Maybe now that he knew he was a guy he had a shot with her. Wait, what was he thinking? He didn’t even know if he was into Pyrrha like that, though he got pretty obsessed with her for a while after they met. Was he just trying to be gal pals with her, or did he have a crush on her?

You know what? He already figured out his gender identity today, he could figure out his sexuality later. Right now he had other priorities in mind, like enjoying the dance with his lovely date.

Ruby was extremely socially awkward, couldn’t even walk in heels properly, let alone dance, barely knew how to behave in public most of the time, but she was still Weiss’s best friend. She was his sweet dolt, who put herself in this awkward spot where she knew she would struggle, because she refused to let him struggle alone. So Weiss made it his mission to make sure she knew how much he valued her.

A few dances later Ruby excused herself to go get some punch and rest her poor feet a bit, and that left Weiss to wander around, now filled with much more confidence, thanks to his amazing partner. It wasn’t long before he found the two idiots he was looking for. In the highest place available of course.

“Sun! Neptune!” He called, leaning against the doorframe.

“Yo, Ice King,” Sun greeted, shooting him some finger guns “looking good.”

“Hey, Wei--Wow!” Neptune blurted out, earning a smug little smile from Weiss. If all it took was a stiff breeze, then Neptune looked like he got hit by a hurricane, “you--you’re looking pretty classy, dude.”

“Did you have to sound so surprised?” He asked, not amused by the added comment, “I’m a classy man.”

“No offense, but you dress like a surfer bro,” Neptune replied, doing his best to not make eye contact with him, “I mean it looks good on you, but it isn’t exactly classy.”

“I do not!” He almost screeched, “Sun, do I dress like a surfer bro?”

Sun, that traitor, was howling with laughter. Probably thinking back to Weiss’s old pretty little princess shtick, and how fast that got thrown out the window.

Oh gods, he did dress like a surfer bro now.

What have those two done to him? Well, they helped him figure himself out for starters, so he should probably thank them for that.

“You two done making fun of me?” He asked, waiting on Sun’s stupid ass to stop laughing for a second, “good, because I need to tell you two something.”

Sun got just a bit more laughter out, before finally wheezing to a stop, “what is it?”

“I wanted to thank you,” he said, his voice softer than before, “if you hadn’t talked to me about going shirtless I would have taken years to figure out I’m a boy.”

Next thing Weiss knew he was being pulled into a rib crushing hug. Thank goodness his aura activated on reflex.

“I knew you’d figure it out eventually,” Sun cheered.

Still trapped in that hug, Weiss had to struggle to reply, “how?”

“Oh, I realized it the moment you mentioned you hated your tits,” he answered, letting him go, “I’ve been there before.”

With that he pulled his shirt open a little more and Weiss got to see something he had only caught a glimpse of before, a pair of scars on his chest. At first he thought those had been combat scars, but they were too precise and too symmetrical. Almost like surgery scars.

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” he chuckled, closing his shirt again, “so mind me asking what cracked your egg?”

Well, if he was gonna admit it to anyone it was gonna be him, “Neptune said he wasn’t into boys, and I cried for an hour. The worst part is that I wouldn’t have noticed something was wrong if Ruby hadn’t mentioned it.”

Once again, Sun started cackling, though this time Neptune winced, “sorry about that, dude.”

"It's okay. It helped me realize who I am, and I still managed to get myself a date,” he assured him, giving him a tap on the shoulder, “and it was fun watching you question your sexuality for the past few weeks.”

That got the poor guy to blush once more. Oh, this was still fun.

“Speaking of questioning sexualities,” Sun interrupted, giving Weiss a nudge, “shouldn’t you be enjoying your date with Ruby?”

Now it was Weiss’s turn to blush, “r-right. Yeah, I should go check on her. Thanks again!”

With that he was off. Back to his teammates. It’s wild thinking back to how much he’s changed since coming to Beacon, since meeting all these wonderful and weird people. And he looked forward to changing even more, learning more about himself and the world around him. Especially if he got to continue doing so surrounded by the friends who loved him, no matter what.

[ginger-and-mint]

Hey, I'm wondering if you have any advice on writing kink stuff? Basically, it feels like I'm writing the same story repeatedly. Coming up with stuffing scenarios that both make sense, and aren't just retreads, is really hard. It probably doesn't help that a) I don't have much writing experience, b) my interests are really narrow, and c) I have no imagination, lol. How do you keep stuff fun and interesting? (Jsyk, I sent this to Tiny as well, I love both your blogs 😊)

Hey, anon! Thank you so much, I’m so glad you enjoy my and Tiny’s content and I’m flattered to be asked for advice! ♡ I have a lot of thoughts about this, so I’ll do my best to boil them down into something useful.
 ^^

Since you mentioned being pretty new to writing, I broke up my advice into a few different “stages,” starting with things that are easy to implement and moving to things that might feel more manageable as you get more comfortable with writing. Under a cut because Real Heckin Long.


Stage One — Don’t Sweat It

This might sound corny and unhelpful, but I genuinely think that especially when you’re first starting out, it’s best not to put pressure on yourself to write the world’s most original stories. Write to please your inner fiend and nobody else! If repeated versions of the same story continue to light your fire, there’s no shame in embracing that.

Doing this will honestly help you with originality in the long-term anyway, because you’re giving yourself the freedom to learn more about what specifics you really enjoy in kink writing. Later on, you can use that knowledge to put new twists on those specifics and invent new scenarios.

Stage Two — Stuffing Scenario Cheat Sheet

I completely agree that believable stuffing scenarios are really difficult to invent. What’s realistic is a matter of opinion of course, but for me, this is a quick breakdown of logical reasons for a character to overeat. If you’re getting tired of using the same justification in your fics, try picking something new from this list:

Accidental stuffing:

Character is distracted by something during the meal

Character eats so fast they don’t realize when they’re full

Character has been hungry for awhile and overdoes it when they finally get to eat

Reluctant intentional stuffing (motivated by external circumstances):

Character feels social pressure to keep eating **

The food will go to waste otherwise **

Eating contests / challenges **

The character is trying to bulk up

Enthusiastic intentional stuffing (because the character wants to):

Character just enjoys the feeling of being full

Character and/or their partner(s) have a stuffing kink

Character has temporary access to good food and is indulging while they can

Fantasy Shenanigans:

Side effects of being a magical creature (e.g. a werewolf eating too much for their human form to handle, a vampire needing to feed all at once, etc.)

Magic that causes a character to overeat (e.g. enchanted food, curses, potions, etc.)

Magic that requires a full stomach and/or extra energy to work (e.g. my di-mage spell mechanics, the antidote in this fic of Tiny’s, etc.)

[free space because fantasy lets you set the boundaries of what’s realistic, so your imagination is really the limit!]

** If you’re aiming for realism, I would be careful of these scenarios. In my opinion, they can be done believably, but often are not. Some things I would look out for:

Most foods can easily be stored for later, so if you want to use the “avoiding waste” trope, make sure that you’re either in a setting without access to refrigeration or that the food is something that genuinely wouldn’t keep until the next day (or at least would be way less tasty after a night in the fridge.)

Social pressure works best in scenarios with people that the to-be-stuffed character 1) doesn’t know very well and 2) wants to impress or keep face around (e.g. formal events, business dinners, first dates that involve food, meeting their partner’s family, etc.)

Loving friends, family, and partners don’t pressure or guilt people into overeating! Characters stuffing themselves because their loved ones are really insistent that they have to taste-test everything or act so disappointed because they went to all this work on some extravagant feast always ring at best false and at worst abusive to me. What kind of loving relationship is it if you don’t feel safe to say “no thanks, I’m full?” That’s not to say social pressure with loved ones can’t be done well, but it usually indicates some kind of character flaw (i.e. an inability to say no and/or a steamroller-y personality) that in my opinion, has to be acknowledged by the fic’s end if you want the tone to stay light and fluffy.

Again, this may just be my opinion, but eating contests only come across as realistic with certain character personalities and in certain contexts. Like yeah, I can believe that a himbo with YouTuber Energy would take on a hot wing eating challenge in front of all his bros, but not so much that an otherwise self-respecting character would drop everything to eat themselves sick because a friend randomly challenged them.

Stage Three — Change Up Other Elements When Using Similar Tropes


Especially if you have narrow interests, it’s probably inevitable you’ll write same basic story structure over and over. I know I sure do! However, I would say that changing other elements of the narrative can give your writing an entirely different feel, turning it into a whole new story that will not feel like a simple retread to a reader.

One thing you can change up is setting. A lot of times kink writers will just plonk characters in the comfort of their own homes, which is valid — but setting hugely influences the atmosphere of a story, so the same Kink Plot will read really differently if it happens, say, at a campground or on a boat. Providing a rich setting can even become a feature of the kink itself. For example, setting your story at a lavish buffet could introduce an element of indulgence that hits you and/or readers differently than a story that involves casual takeout in the living room, even if the rest of the story is similar. Try bold settings! They’re fun!

Another element to vary is context. For example, the basic trope of “stress eating” would play out really differently if a character is about to go on an important mission vs. if they’re recovering from an emotionally difficult day; a story about about a character intentionally stuffing themselves will have a completely different flavor if they’ve been going hungry for awhile vs. they’ve been overeating all week; and so on.


Finally, consider changing up the focus. An easy way to do this is to switch up whether you’re writing from the POV of the stuffed character or a caretaker. You can also focus on different details of the stuffing — for example, lingering on how delicious the food looks and tastes vs. how the character feels as their stomach fills vs. physical details like whether they’re getting bloated or grumbly.

Stage Four — Connect to Character or Plot

The most surefire way to make kink stories distinct is to give the story an additional purpose besides just being kinky. This doesn’t have to be some big, extravagant plot (although it certainly can be) — it can be a simple as writing a kink story the way you usually would, and just finding something within it that you can use to reveal an aspect of your character.

Start with an ordinary kink scenario and try to dive a little deeper. For example:

Say you want to write a story about stress eating. Okay — what is the character stressed about?

Maybe you come up with something relatively simple and generic, like school. Okay, what about this character makes them so likely to be stressed out by school? Are they a perfectionist? Are they facing a lot of pressure from their family? Do they have a goal that requires excellent grades? Have they struggled with this subject in the past?

Let’s say you decide to go with perfectionism. Now, what scenes can you use to show this struggle? And optionally, can you give the character some kind of resolution by the story’s end?

And there you go! Your fic now not only has kink, but also shows how your character reacts in a certain situation.

Character especially is a treasure trove of uniqueness, in my opinion, because well-developed characters react differently to the same scenario. Stories feel more original because even if a reader has read this exact same plot before, they will not have seen how this particular person handles it. So one of the best ways to make fics distinct is to spend time developing your characters!

If the goal is to simply write solid distinct kinky stories, trying to create detailed plot is more work with lower return than investing in your characters, if you ask me. You have to enjoy the process of creating plots itself for it to be worth it. If that’s something you’re interested in, I have a whole load more thoughts about that -- but since this is already incredibly long, I’ll save that for a separate ramble if anyone is specifically interested.

---

I hope something in this huge infodump is helpful to you! Some of it may sound intimidating if you’re just starting out with kink writing, but it’s absolutely all something that can be worked up to. Please feel free to ask any follow-up questions if stuff I’ve written doesn’t make sense. Good luck with your writing, anon, and thanks for giving me an excuse to just go off. ^^’ ♡

[maddiefriendlovesbilly]

TW/CW: Ranting, use of caps/text yelling, mentions/discussions of depression, suicidal thoughts, low self-esteem, and cringe-culture, no language indicators (everything is /genuine), large chunks of text which may be hard for some to read (please lmk if anyone would like a bulleted or split up version /gen), complicated words and concepts (again, please lmk if anyone would like a version w simpler words or more explanations!! /gen!!!)

Topic: Writing, Cringe-Culture, and Freedom to Express Yourself

Not to get like, personal and serious on this silly YouTube roleplay side-blog but here’s some writing advice for you writers out there. Literally no one will notice if you put two “-ly” words in your story.

As long as you are using basic sentence variation in your story — aka complex sentence, compound sentence, simple sentence, compound sentence again, repeat in a pattern that seems to get your point across best (long sentences are best for describing situations or when a character is rambling, simple sentences are best for times that you want your words to punch the reader in the face with words alone or crush their little hearts while cackling maniacally) — nobody other than pompous gits will notice if you say “Oh, he thought, wishing desperately for something to do with his hands.” Because no one actually nitpicks stuff like that if they’re properly immersed in your story (obviously beta readers are different, they’ve been paid to look for your mistakes lol). (more below the Keep Reading. Warning!! Triggering topics/actions start right here! :] <3!!!)

And even if you DO fuck up and put a couple too many “ly” words or too many “he said/she saids?” WHO CARES. THAT IS THE POINT OF WRITING. TO IMPROVE. MAKE SHITTY SELF-INSERT FICS. WRITE FANFICTION TO PRACTICE. WRITE A REALLY BAD ORIGINAL STORY ABOUT OVERPOWERED OCS WHO YOU’VE HAD SINCE YOU WERE ELEVEN. EVERY TIME YOU WRITE YOU IMPROVE. IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING ENOUGH TO DEDICATE HOURS OF YOUR LIFE TO IT YOU DESERVE TO LOOK BACK ON IT AND SAY “I made this thing out of love. By making this I made someone happy, and that someone was me. I deserve to be proud of this, because I worked hard on it.”

NEVER regret your old shitty writing. NEVER regret your current writing. Yes, you can spend hours nitpicking every detail and every word like I used to. But you have years to figure out your writing style; years to gauge whether you like first or third or second person POV — or even something else entirely — best; years to experiment and and learn and love new and different things. You will improve, it is an inevitable, inescapable part of being human, being alive.

So please, please write whatever you want, whenever you want. Write cringe! Write badly! Write poorly planned out stories!! If it makes YOU happy, who fucking cares what some bozo using the anonymity of a faceless online profile to bash your earnest, hard work about something you care about says? Why do THEY have any right to your happiness? Your self-esteem? Do what makes you happy, even if it’s bad, or self-indulgent, or god-forbid “““cringey.””” You know what’s cringey? A grown ass adult human being who knows better making fun of someone working hard to improve a skill, or simply enjoying the freedom that writing gives. You have the gift to create. No one starts out writing like a pro. Don’t let others shame you out of expressing yourself in a healthy way that brings you joy.

This is one of the many reasons I have left several nearly untouched, original records of my fic A Small Slice of Ethereal P.I.E, which was written of the course of two years. I am PROUD of how lackluster and empty and basic the beginning of that fic is in comparison to the final chapter — I was fucking 15 years old, had undiagnosed depression and anxiety, and it was the first piece of writing I ever loved enough to finish even after two years, of course it was BAD. It was utter SHIT dude! I was coping with heavy amounts of trauma through a safe, comforting medium through a character I related to deeply. I’m alive because of that fic. It kept me going until I could get help. If writing does that for you; if you think “I don’t want to wake up tomorrow, but if I don’t, then I can’t write that fanfic/story/oneshot/daydream I’ve always wanted to/haven’t completed/dream of publishing one day” then cling to that. Use it. Whatever keeps you going til tomorrow.

Your passions, your interests, have value. I’m so sorry if anyone has made you feel that they don’t. I’m sorry if people have told you your writing isn’t good enough to keep making. Every piece you make is a gift to yourself. I guarantee there are people out there who will. Who do. Even if it’s only future you. Even if it’s only current you. Your joy, fleeting or not, is worth more than you could ever imagine.

Keep writing. For you. Not for anyone else, because you deserve to. You deserve to love something passionately. You deserve to write poorly. You deserve to love what you make anyways. This got a little out of hand, I didn't really mean to say all this, but I feel it's important to my point so whatever haha. seriously though, if anyone wants me to delve further into any of the topics discussed here, especially about sentence variation and where to use complex, compound, and simple sentences in a paragraph/scene/description or what POV to use for the type of story/scene you want to convey to your reader, I'd be literally over the moon lmao. I LOVE talking about the importance of cadence and impact, and how it basically overrides basic grammatical rules like "he said/she said" and "-ly words" and "remove every 'was' in your story." Alright, I'll stop pestering y'all now haha, both my ask box and my dms are open if you want to ask any questions about this!

[theheartsmistakes]

The Last Night Part XII

(Author’s Notes: Sup guys! I hope you had a fantastic Fourth of July (for the American readers) and celebrated safely. If you are not American, I hope you had a fantastic weekend! Thank you for your patience while I worked through some writer’s block. I think I’m getting back into a swing though. I started reading a book that is set in the Edwardian period and it has helped me find the dialect and voice that I started with. I’ve been reading a lot of contemporary literature as of late and I think it’s influenced my writing a little, which is fine, but I’m fighting to remain consistent. I’m working on a novel of my own and it’s also based in the Edwardian period, but in a fantasy world, and I’ve been struggling to stay in the same dialect with that too. Anyhoo... I’m rambling... here is part 12. I hope that you enjoy it. Please hit the like, reblog, leave me a comment to cry happily over, and follow along for updates. Be safe! Be kind! Stay healthy.)

Here is Part I

Here is Part II

Here is Part III

Here is Part IV

Here is Part V

Here is Part VI

Here is Part VII

Here is Part VIII

Here is Part IX

Here is Part X

Here is Part XI

Part XII

The following morning, James was settled in a wing chair in the game room, nominally enthralled by a short collection of poetry by Keats. It’d been a comfort to read Keats’ poetry when he would be feeling out of sorts. Perhaps because his father insisted on reading it to him as a child before bed. It seemed even in his adolescent and young adulthood, after weeks of sleepless nights cramming for examinations, going through drills during the day, and shivering through countless patrols in the chilly streets of London, he always enjoyed dozing in the warmth of a well-made fire, with Keats’ heart bleeding through the pages of his collection.

This naturally led to his considering what Keats would do in a situation like his. As his mind wandered into his thoughts, he was aware of the scent of late-blooming climbing rose coming in the window on a puff of air and he noted that the scent might have prompted the thought and he wondered whether Matthew would still be Matthew if he smelled of diesel and boot polish instead of bay rum, and what Cordelia, who smelled of roses and lime blossom to him, would be doing at this time of the day if she weren’t lying in her sick bed.

A swift clatter of boots on the stairs heralded Matthew’s arrival, and he closed the book, without the relief he’d been searching for, for even Keats couldn’t keep his mind from wandering.

“The Silent Brothers have gone,” said Matthew, his tone composed with his usual preferred demeanor of bored indifference.

“Gone where?” asked James.

“Back to the Citadel, I’m assuming,” said Matthew. He tugged at his starched shirt collar, and James could see he was warm with sweat about the neck, as if he had run all the way here. “Brother Zachariah remains and another, but I cannot recall his name, they all look the same to me.”

“Any word on Cordelia or Alastair?”

“Unfortunately not and the adults want a word with us in the dining room post haste. I assume they want a detailed description of our knowledge concerning the events of the night.” Matthew slumped in the other wing chair and covered his face with his arm. “

“Well, that’s certainly a blow to my afternoon plans,” said James, keeping his tone light in the hope that he could convince his parents and friends that he was calm enough to stand outside the bedroom that Cordelia had been moved into. They moved her in the night while he slept and no one would tell him the location due to his sudden outbursts. “If the other Brothers have left, that’s surely a good sign that Cordelia and Alastair are healing and are no longer in need of their attention.”

“It’s possible,” said Matthew from under his sleeve. “My parents are here, as are Kit’s and Thomas’s.” He groaned and added, “Charles insisted on coming as well. My life is over.”

James cursed. “What does he want?”

“‘To get to the bottom of this most unfortunate disaster’,” said Matthew, “his words, not mine. He’ll insist on lecturing us about how insubordinate we’ve all been, and how, seeing as we are underage, we have no business going out after the Carstairs siblings without briefing the adults with the situation first. He’ll make me file his paperwork for a month.”

“You’re being a bit dramatic,” said James.

Even as James spoke he felt the hypocrisy of offering comfort instead of truth. But what truth could he speak to his parabatai? Remembering the whispered conversations between his own parents after James had returned from near death by demon poisoning, James knew with a sinking feeling that his own investigation towards his grandfather would need to be done in absolute secrecy.

“Charles has been wanting to get me behind a desk since we were children,” said Matthew. “My mother will surely not object now that Shadowhunters are being plucked from their carriages in the streets.”

“Well, lucky for Charles, you’ve the best penmanship of all of us,” said James.

“So glad to hear that your humor has returned,”groaned Matthew, hanging his head so that his face was hidden beneath the fall of his hair. “Even if it is at my expense.”

“Pull yourself together, Math,” said James. He stood and tugged the edges of his jacket down as if to reinforce his words. “It will not serve to allow the entire household to hear such agitation. We have faced our parent’s fury before, this will be no different, I’m sure.” There was a pause, and James gazed out the window to allow Matthew a moment to compose himself. While he envied Matthew’s free and easy, passionate nature, his capacity for intense friendships, he always felt squeamish in the face of Matthew’s occasional display of emotion. He was accustomed to his own emotional outburst and Matthew insisting on James to calm down.

“You are right, of course,” said Matthew at last. He pulled a large silk handkerchief from his pocket and dabbed his forehead. “Good to see you back to your more rational nature.”

“Thank you,” said James, fully aware that Matthew did not altogether mean it as a compliment. It was hardly fair that Matthew should provoke him into a purse-lipped rigidity and then insult him for it, but James’s first concern was to protect his friend from his own self-indulgence. “Now why don’t we make a suitable plan?” he added. “I’ve learned long ago that it’s best to just nod in the presence of angered adults.”

Matthew nodded as if to show his ability to follow direction. “Perhaps we should share what we know about Belial.”

“I think not,” said James. “My parent’s have already made it quite clear that they don’t want us involved in the investigation any further. We will have to continue it without their knowing.”

“Are you sure that’s wise?” said Matthew. “He nearly possessed you and tried to kill Cordelia twice.”

“Which is why we must continue the investigation on how to properly kill him because it can be sure that he will not stop until he has what he wants,” said James. “There has to be a way to kill him properly.”

“I hope it’s something obvious,” said Matthew, “like spritzing him with water or feeding him chocolate.”

A sound of voices in the hallway outside the game room was followed by a light knocking on the door and Thomas’s voice saying, “Of course I’ve forgotten the secret knock, it was far too complex to begin with.”

“They’re here to fetch us,” said Matthew urgently. James noticed that he did have a strange, pale look about his face, but perhaps, he thought, this was the properly deserved effect of too much rough cider.

“By the angel, it’s only Christopher and Thomas,” he said. “You and Thomas can look pale and interesting together. Of course, he’s only just lost his sister. Perhaps his situation will help your sense of perspective.”

“Your sarcasm lacks the delicacy that would render it amusing,” said Matthew. “But thank you for your reason. Your permanent frown always brings me to my senses.”

“I do not have a permanent frown,” said James. He took a brief look into the mirror over the mantle and consciously adjusted his features to a half smile, which only seemed to make him look as if he were in pain.

“Hello gentleman,” said Matthew,  “do come in. It’s mercifully clear of authority in here.”

Christopher and Thomas came through the door, and James found himself slightly relieved that they were alone. Both of them were neatly dressed in tweed trousers, buttoned up shirts with suspenders. Christophers glasses rested on the end of his nose while Thomas' shirt strained heavily around the illustrious girth of his arms. Neither of them seemed to wear any hint of the previous night’s grievances.

“Welcome,” he said. “Is it time then?”

“Just about,” said Thomas and folded his arms across his chest. “I’ve only just arrived with mum and dad and only convinced Christopher’s parents to allow him to leave their side by promising that we were only going as far as to fetch the two of you.”

“It’s already begun,” Matthew blurted out. “Behold men, your last minutes of freedom.”

“What’s he on about?” asked Thomas.

“Pay him no mind,” said James. “He’s consumed with the notion that due to the events of the last few nights our parents are going to handcuff us to desks until we come of age.”

“My mother suggested it,” said Christopher, “but I think my father has made progress against the idea.”

“See,” said James, gesturing to Christopher. “If my aunt Cecily can be brought to sense then so will your parents. Let’s just do what they ask of us and resume our investigation without their knowledge.”

“So not much different from what we’ve been doing for the past seventeen years?” said Matthew, shooting James a look. James could only roll his eyes as Christopher and Thomas drifted to the two wing chairs, where they sat and continued, for some minutes, to turn over the circumstances of the secret Belial investigation in a low and urgent manner.

“Any word on Cordelia and Alastair?” asked James.

Thomas nose flared as he met James’s gaze with an expression of frankness. “No,” he said. “Not that I’ve heard.”

James leaned against the wall and felt an echo of the agony that he had felt the night before and had to quell an urge to run out of the room and demand that someone give him information on the state of his fiance, seeing as far as everyone knew they were still engaged.

“I overheard our mother’s talking,” said Christopher to Matthew. “Alastair woke for a moment last night and was able to communicate with the Silent Brothers, but he is instructed to rest without visitors so that the injuries to his brain can continue to heal.” Matthew grumbled something under his breath. “Cordelia has been placed into an induced coma that she is unable to wake up from on her own. When her injuries have had some time to heal they’ll attempt to wake her up. The good news however is that the cure for her demon poisoning has allowed the runes to take a more immediate effect so she is healing.”

Christopher offered James a reassuring smile, which he appreciated more than he could properly express.

“Forget being tied to a desk,” muttered Matthew. “My mother will probably request having me put into an induced coma instead.”

Tessa Gray sat in the plush velvet couch in the front drawing room with her legs crossed at the ankles and her husband’s hand gently pressed against her shoulder while he sipped brandy from a glass tumbler in his free hand. Aunt Cecily was seated in a wing chair beside the fire with her husband Gabriel a respectful six feet away from Will. Aunt Sophie sat at the other end of the couch with Tessa, her hand held softly in the clutches of Gideon, both of them still carrying the misery of the loss of their eldest daughter Barbara. Charlotte Fairchild stood behind her husband’s wheelchair and beside her eldest son Charles. James knocked on the door and went in followed by Matthew, Christopher, and Thomas.

“Gentlemen,” said Will. “I hope that you all slept well and are prepared for punishment and ridicule.”

“William,” warned Tessa. “We simply want you to recount your details from the night the Carstair’s were attacked.

Matthew shifted beside James.

It had only just occurred to him that he hadn’t seen Lucie since they arrived at the Institute with Cordelia and she wasn’t in the room now. “Where is Lucie? She would have more to tell than any of us would.”

“Lucie has already recounted her experience,” said Tessa, one eyebrow raised. “She’s resting now. It’s the four of you that we wish to speak to now.”

“We are enacting an investigation on this prince of hell Belial,” said Charles, as he moved forward into the center of the room. “If we’re to be successful in locating him and effectively killing him then we need all of the information that you have concerning him.”

“I’ve already told my parents everything that I know about Belial,” said James. Both Will and Tessa turned him a look. James exhaled and began his recount of his experiences with Belial.

“And you believe Belial to be the one to have taken Miss Carstairs?” asked Charles when James was finished.

“I never saw him myself,” said James. “That would be a question for Lucie.”

“She claimed not to have seen him either,” said Charles, removing a pocket watch and checking the time before slipping it back into his trousers. “She said that she found Cordelia in the fog badly injured. She said that she lost you, but once the fog rolled away, you appeared again. Is this not the truth?”

James wasn’t sure what would compel his sister to lie about the events of Cordelia’s rescue, but he had to assume that there was a good reason and one that he would explore later when he could speak to his sister himself.

“It’s the truth,” said James. “As I told you before Lucie disappeared into the fog and I ran after her. We lost each other for some time, and when the fog moved off, she was there again with Cordelia.”

Charles stroked his chin. “It’s been unanimously agreed upon that the four of you, including Lucie and Anna, will be restricted to local patrols during daylight hours and are to report in detail any and all demon activity. If you so choose to break your restrictions then your punishment will be as sever as I see warranted.”

“What exactly would you see warranted?” asked James.

“You’ll be sent to Alicante,” said Charles, his eyes marked on Matthew, “where you’ll remain until you come of age and if you continue to disobey direct orders then the punishment will be as severe as stripping you of your marks.”

“Charles,” Charlotte hissed from beside her husband. “We never mentioned—“

“It is for their own safety, mother,” said Charles, squaring his shoulders. “I do hope it doesn’t come to such extremes, but in this case, the safety of one is the safety of them all. I do hope this will encourage them to keep each other accountable.”

Though it pained James that these new founded restrictions would limit his personal research on finding a way to kill Belial, it did not discourage him in the least. In fact, he was even more excited about the prospect of an opportunity to infuriate Charles. If one of them were to be sent to Alicante, he was sure the rest would follow, and he couldn’t strip them all of their marks. What with Shadowhunters being down in numbers as it were. Charles tactics were classic: infiltrate fear into the army without ever enacting punishment. Not that Charles would ever find out if they were going against him. Charles was too busy building his castle out of sand to see what goes on around him.

“I think Charles has allowed power to go to his head,” said Will, under his breath. He’d been in something of high spirits since Jem had arrived at the Institute and been ordered to stay to help the Carstairs siblings mend. “Don’t fret, Jamie boy, if you are stripped of your marks, Coleridge lived a life of poverty and had to be sustained by charitable friends and he turned out fine.”

“William,” Tessa hissed. “Do be serious for a moment. Jamie, as much as we regret taking away your personal freedoms, it is of the utmost importance that you heed the restrictions put in place for you. Even if he is being a power hungry, conniving, son of a--”

“What your mother is trying to convey,” said Will, moving in front of her, “is that you should be careful and mindful of your action.”

“I could always become a postman like Trollope?” said James. “I’ll begin to work on my beard.”

Will bellowed and clapped James on the shoulder just as the doors to the drawing room were opened by the footman and in walked Brother Zachariah with Sona beside him. Her graying hair has come loose and spilled down her back in an array of perfect waves that mirrored the texture of her daughters. Her expression was somber; deep circles sat under her eyes and her lips were impossibly dry.

Her arm was entwined with Jem’s as they shuffled into the room.

James, followed by Tessa and Will, hurried across the room to meet them.

“Mrs. Carstairs is in need of some rest,” said Brother Zachariah. “She would like to request that James remain with Miss Cordelia while she is away.”

James took her free hand and offered it a reassuring squeeze.

“She is lost in there,” said Sona, her voice rough and weathered. “I can feel it. It helps if you read to her. Let her hear the sound of your voice so she has something to walk towards in all of that darkness.”

“I can show you to a room,” said Tessa, a note of emotion in her voice that she quickly cleared away.

“That would be lovely thank you,” said Sona and removed her arm from Jem’s for Tessa’s.

“Perhaps some light broth,” said Brother Zachariah. “She hasn’t eaten much and I worry for the child.”

Tessa nodded and led Sona from the room.

Brother Zachariah turned his attention to James. “How are you feeling?”

“Much better after some sleep,” said James. “I can go to Cordelia now if you wish.”

“She is having a bath,” said Jem, “but in the next hour. Prepare to make yourself comfortable, perhaps bring some literature. As Sona said before, it is of the utmost importance that you continue to speak to her, give her something to walk towards, or the Cordelia that you know can become lost in her thoughts forever.”

James' voice became bitter. “Why is she in a coma if it means she could become lost inside of her mind? Can’t you wake her up?”

“The injuries that she has sustained would be too terrible to be conscious during,” said Jem. “The body is able to heal much quicker if the mind is asleep to the pain.”

James drew himself into as stiff of a column as he could and clamped his teeth down on a small quiver of his jaw. He resolved himself in that moment to give Cordelia whatever she needed; if he had to read to her for days, weeks, even months then that was what he would do.

(Next update is going to be Sunday 7/12... maybe)

[choisanii]

wait for the enneagram thing, what are the enneagrams of each type of stans (as you've observed) if you know ? im genuinely curious.

ok so a little disclaimer before i start rambling: i’m by no means an expert on enneagrams i just find them absolutely fascinating and i think they’re really helpful overall! like if you know what type you are and what type someone else in your life is, you are evidently able to better understand yourself, them, and therefore better your relationship with them! also considering i have <15 ateez moots, some of which i unfortunately do not know that well, i’m going to try to keep this pretty vague and i’m also going to mostly base it on what i’ve observed in the members themselves (what types i think they may be, but again, i don’t know them personally so take it with a grain of salt!), as I think that one of the reasons our biases are who they are is because we identify with certain aspects of their personality. 

general note about the enneagram system: there are 9 types––one of them is your “basic personality.” this is your “core”, dominating personality, something predetermined partially by genetics and pre-natal factors, but also by your childhood (parental figures, significant events/experiences, etc.). however, since one’s personality is fluid and cannot be confined to just one “box” or “type”, everyone inevitably identifies with other types as well (this is where “wings” come in but that’s too complicated so i’ll stick with the core type). no type is “better” or “worse” than another; it’s literally just an explanation of why you are the way you are and how that contributes to how you see the world and interact with others. 

hongjoong stans: type 1 (the reformer) or type 3 (the achiever) -> in the most basic sense type 1s are perfectionists. conscientious and ethical. they are set apart from the other types due to the existence of a self-critical “internal voice/monologue”. one may even call them workaholics due to the fact that they’ll often suppress their personal needs/self indulgence in favor of productivity. high standards. a very very strong moral compass. incessant desire to be “right”. fears corruption. type 3s are also known to be workaholics and they struggle with competitiveness. they’re extremely driven and ambitious though they are often overly concerned with their self image. gets wrapped up in their problems; tends to neglect their personal needs and the needs of others. strives to gain love and approval through performance. usually regarded as popular and well-liked among others, the “class president” or “homecoming king/queen/monarch” type. aims to be a role model who inspires others. 

seonghwa stans: type 2 (the helper) or type 9 (the peacemaker) -> type 2s at their best are unselfish, altruistic, and maintain an unconditional love for others. extremely warm-hearted and empathetic. great listeners. kind and nurturing. self-sacrificial and people-pleasing. issues with possessiveness and acknowledging their own needs. bases self worth on what they give to others and what they’ll get back in return. may become overly dependent or manipulative. values relationships above all else. embodiment of the “good parent” everyone wishes they had. type 9s avoid anger and conflict at all costs. the mediator. merges with others and makes sacrifices in order to gain a sense of peace, belonging, and harmony, sometimes at the expense of their own feelings. can be very passive-aggressive when upset. trusting and gets along well with others. tendency to be overly complacent. can be very stubborn. maintains a generally optimistic point of view; likes to see the “bright side” of things. 

yunho stans: type 4 (the individualist) or type 7 (the enthusiast) -> type 4s want nothing more than to “find themselves” and create their unique sense of self. inspired and creative, they view themselves as unlike any other human being; not in an arrogant way––in a way that makes them focus on their own personal deficiencies as well as hone in on their personal talents. honest and self-reflective. fears abandonment and loss. struggles with negative self image and low self esteem. type 7s epitomize the motto “don’t worry, be happy.” hate being bored; moves towards excitement, freedom, and a variety of interesting experiences. always willing to try something new. difficulty with commitment. extroverted, optimistic, and playful. struggles with impatience and impulsiveness. aims to maintain their freedom and happiness at all costs, never wanting to miss out on worthwhile experiences. spontaneous, agile, and exceptionally fast learners. book smart and impressive mind-body coordination. 

yeosang stans: type 4 (the individualist) or type 6 (the loyalist) -> like i said with yunho, type 4s uniquely talented and expressive. gift for healing and the creative arts. always looking for more meaning in things. intense emotional highs and lows, difficult to find a happy medium. can be moody and self conscious. wishes to connect with people who understand them and their feelings. honest with themselves; do not attempt to rationalize their states, only accept them, which enables them to endure suffering with a quiet strength. easier for them to process painful experiences that may overwhelm other types. type 6s are reliable, trustworthy, and hardworking. when they are internally stable and self reliant, they become able to champion themselves and others. seek security and support from others in order to fight against anxiety and insecurity. friends for life. beliefs sometimes go against the “status quo” but they will defend and fight for them fiercely, more so than they’d do for themselves. 

san stans: type 2 (the helper) or type 3 (the achiever) -> maybe this is me just projecting since i’m a type 2 wing 3 but these two types really stand out to me in terms of my san biased moots as well as san himself. as i said with hwa, type 2s at their best are unselfish, altruistic, and maintain an unconditional love for others. people person and people-pleaser. extremely empathetic and give good advice. self worth depends on the love and approval of others. considerate, generous, helpful. fears becoming worthless. does not want to be taken for granted. may become overly involved in the lives of others. energetic, romantic, and sensitive to other’s needs and feelings. and like i said with hongjoong, type 3s believe that only through performance, achievement, and success will they gain love and approval. can be very self conscious and self critical; wants to appear their best. motivated and motivating, constantly on a journey of self-improvement. their unwavering belief in themselves and desire for self development inspires others to do the same. a role model. 

mingi stans: type 7 (the enthusiast) or type 9 (the peacemaker) -> like i said with yunho, type 7s are constantly seeking out new experiences. playful, optimistic, versatile, and extroverted. can be “scatter-brained” and end up undisciplined or over-extended. become satisfied when they are able to focus their talents on worthwhile goals. approach to life is not unlike “a kid in a candy store”. able to pick up skills and talents with relative ease, though when confronted with too many, they are unable to choose one to focus on. balance is key. like i said with hwa, type 9s are the mediators, the ones to avoid anger and conflict at all costs. passive aggressive under stress. seeks peace through acquiesce and acceptance. able to bring people together and solve conflicts. very in touch with their inner selves. goal-oriented but not aggressive. do not do well under pressure. struggle with finding a strong sense of identity. “spiritual seekers”, yearns for a connection with the cosmos as well as other people. 

wooyoung stans: type 7 (the enthusiast) or type 8 (the challenger) -> like i said with yunho and mingi, type 7s hate being bored; they are constantly seeking excitement, freedom, and a variety of interesting and new experiences. an avoider; they avoid pain and fear by escaping into fun and pleasure. often have difficulty with commitment and following through. easily distracted and can become exhausted from being constantly on the go. do not attempt to control. brain works at a mile a minute, much faster than anyone else is able to comprehend. aims to stay upbeat and look forward to a bright, positive future. type 8s are proud, confident, powerful, and strong. not afraid of confrontation. extremely self assertive and independent, might be intimidating to others. have difficulty with allowing themselves to be vulnerable. quick to anger but easy to appease. fears being harmed or controlled by others. denies weakness or fear. refuse to “give in” to social convention. 

jongho stans: type 5 (the investigator) or type 8 (the challenger) -> type 5s are visionaries, able to see the world in an entirely new way. focus on complex ideas and skills, sometimes to the point of detachment from the real world. relentless in their pursuit for knowledge. believe that they will eventually figure things out from the safety of their minds. hate feeling useless or incapable. compartmentalize people and situations. minimalist lifestyle; holds back strong feelings and desires/needs. like i said with wooyoung, type 8s are confident, impulsive, and aggressive. not afraid to go after what they want. difficulty being vulnerable. courageous, make good leaders, and protective of the weak. feel the need to control their environment (people as well) which may end up coming off as intimidating and domineering. want to be self reliant by proving their strength and resisting weaknesses. seek total independence and do not like being indebted to anyone. exercise an enormous amount of will, endurance, and persistence in their day-to-day lives. 

[laceymorganwrites]

Red lily

Word Count: 2,662

Pairing: Tendo x fem!reader

Warnings: swearing, slight mentions of bullying (Nothing explicit)

A/N: okay so this is really self indulgent. All of the Habits and past About the Reader are taken from myself (except for the homeschooling lol). And I´m Pretty sure I wrote Tendo ooc. But whatever. I quickly wanted to say why I wrote him like this: I relate to him a whole lot cause like him People were scared of me as a child too. I´m also regarded as the weird one and I wanted you guys to know that that´s okay. if you´re different and People tell you you´re weird, take it as a compliment, I know it´s hard, but you got this! Being weird is Nothing to be ashamed of

You didn´t belong in Shiratorizawa and everyone knew it. You just stood out with your quirky habits and weird looks as well as your behavior, you were different from your fellow students.

Never being one to like it when all the attention was on her, the elite school wasn´t a good match for you.

Of course your parents thought otherwise, once you had the grades to be able to enroll, no other options existed anymore. You were thankful for the opportunity at first, after all Shiratorizawa´s reputation preceded the school.

And once you were there it felt like all your dreams and nightmares came true at the same time.

For one the school was very prestigious and large, there were so many interesting classes and clubs that you had trouble to choose in which one you wanted to partake.

The students and teachers seemed really nice too at first, the volleyball club was the absolute pride of the school, making everyone else feel invisible which you were thankful for.

You never knew how to make friends anyway, nobody ever wanted to be your friend and for as long as you could remember you were always alone, an outcast, a weirdo, a girl who just didn´t know any better. How could you when nobody ever taught you how to be socially acceptable?

The bullying didn´t bother you until middle school, you didn´t comprehend it back in elementary school, you simply concentrated on your school work until the bullying got so far that you couldn´t even do that anymore.

Middle school was rough, you almost got kicked out because your bullies tried to pin the blame on you, which was easy enough. If one was different it was easy to make them the bad guy. Your parents had you home schooled from then on.

They were always supportive of you, giving you enough freedom to do all the things you wanted, to try out different things and they were still close enough for you to make you feel loved.

Because of that you never bothered meeting new people in school, why should you? They would only be scared of you again.

It was always rough being the odd one out at the beginning of the year, but your initial fear of Shiratorizawa´s students being entitled luckily turned out to be false.

Naturally most of them left you alone, which was way better than actively bullying you, you just weren´t like them and for the first time it felt like that was fine.

For the first time in your life school wasn´t a horrible place you didn´t want to go to, it was a place where you could study the things that interested you, you finally had fun studying again. And in club times you sat by yourself, doing homework and writing poems.

It was weird how you still had that hobby when it was one of the most major reasons you were bullied in the first place, the contents of your poems were rather dark, which people didn´t like from your experience.

You were always writing something in every free minute you got, even in lunch breaks you stayed inside the class room.

But you liked it that way, you liked being creative, you never thought of it as a negative isolation, rather as not disturbing others.

“What´re you writing?” Tendou has been staring at you for a while now, you just didn´t seem to notice it, you were always so focused on whatever you were writing. It intrigued him, everything about you was vexing to him. You and him have been in the same class ever since the start of the year and yet you never uttered a word to anyone. But you also didn´t seem shy or rude or arrogant, he just couldn´t figure you out. Tendo could read people easily normally, but you were a mystery to him. And you didn´t even give off the attitude of a typical mysterious girl.

You raised your head to meet his eyes, looking at you curiously, he was a weird guy, you had the feeling that he somehow always knew what was going on in people´s minds and that scared you.

His intense gaze scared you and yet his eyes looked rather soft and amused, contradicting the wicked smile he wore.

“Oh...um...nothing special” you answered, subconsciously going into defense. You were used to people making fun of you because of your writing so you didn´t want to say too much.

His grin grew wider, you weren´t used to this much attention so you blushed a bit at his intensity.

“So mysterious!” he rested his chin on his hand, tilting his head slightly, still focused on you.

“Oh, really? I´m sorry” you said, getting embarrassed, this is why you kept to yourself, sometimes you felt like you didn´t know how to talk at all.

You hated it, hated not being able to have a normal conversation with anybody.

But maybe that was why you and Tendou could have one, because you weren´t normal.

“Who said that was a bad thing?” he smirked at you, lowering his voice, his eyes glinting.

Before you could reply anything the lesson started.

It was interesting enough, though you had to admit it was hard to concentrate with Tendo´s eyes piercing you again, it was hard not to notice that, but a little voice in your head still told you that it was nothing, that you just imagined things, that nobody was interested in you in any way.

You only looked back at him when the teacher announced you would be working together for a project.

He gave you a grin again, turning to you.

“So we meet again, mystery girl” he teased you.

You gave him a shy smile, making his eyes go wide.

“Oooh she can smile!” he chuckled.

You crossed your arms, feeling like a little child.

“Of course I can! And I´m no mystery girl, I´m (Y/N). And there´s nothing interesting about me...” you mumbled.

“Girls like you always say that” he remarked, but he knew you weren´t like other girls, his intuition never failed him after all.

“Well, maybe...but that doesn´t change the fact that it´s true. And we should really get started with the project” you said, avoiding his eyes at all cost, they made you feel exposed. Not necessarily in an uncomfortable way, just in an unusual one. It was certainly new to you to be watched this intently.

Tendou obliged and you two worked hard for a while, you were focused on your task until your eyes went wide in embarrassment.

“Oh shit! What´s your name, I totally forgot to ask, I´m so sorry” you rambled, something like could really happen to only you. So much for not knowing how to socialize.

“Tendou Satori, but you can call me Satori” his lips curled into a smirk again, but this time it was softer.

Over the course of the next week you warmed up to him, you managed to relax and collect your thoughts, hell you were so comfortable around him that you started conversations on your own.

And instead of trying to ignore his stare, you now returned it with a smile, which made him happy.

You worked well together and got a good grade for your assignment.

Even after school you stayed in touch, having exchanged phone numbers and texting frequently now. Texting was easier for you since you could control your words that way, you liked yourself better when you wrote or texted, not so much when you talked, not at all when you talked.

Tendou didn´t mind that though, he thought it was one of your many charms, he didn´t make it a secret that he liked you, or so he thought.

It was hard for him to express his feelings that way, he was so used to rejection and dislike that he built walls around himself in that department. He was so confident in his knowledge of people and yet you managed to make him insecure, he just never knew what was going on in your mind and it drove him crazy.

Of course after months of being friends, something that neither of you had had in your entire life, it was easier for him to understand you. But that didn´t mean it got easier for him to understand himself. The two of you shared intimate moments, such as talking about your pasts and you showing him your poetry, he always felt so special in those times, and yet he couldn´t get that nagging feeling out of his gut.

Tendou wasn´t aware that he was even capable of falling in love, but of course you had to prove him wrong.

He first noticed that the feeling wouldn´t go away when you were watching him practice. It wasn´t the first time you accompanied him in the club, after all he too happily obliged when you asked him to teach you about volleyball. But he expected you to focus on Ushijima like all the others, he wouldn´t even blame you if you did.

And you did a certain amount, you could acknowledge his strength but your eyes were always on Tendou. To be honest you knew you had a crush on him for a while now, but decided not to act on it since you thought you were overthinking again.

That feeling didn´t go away however, so instead of telling him, you found your outlet for those feelings in your poetry.

Your eyes were fixed on Tendou as he blocked one ball after another, you were fascinated at how he was able to foresee where the ball would go next, he was always one step ahead of his opponent and you were in awe of that.

“You´re amazing, Satori” you smiled at him excitedly after the training, you went home together.

“Hm...not really, Ushijima´s amazing, he´s the ace after all. I just have good intuition, that´s all” he told you, making you frown.

“Ushijima might be the ace but to me you´re the one that´s the most fun to watch! And...it´s not like you to talk yourself down like that...” you said, you were a bit worried about him lately, he seemed to be in his head a lot.

Tendou gave you a sad smile at that.

“I guess it´s not, but I can´t help but think that they´re right sometimes… that I´m just some weird demon kid that scares everyone away, that I should just stay to myself” you stopped in your tracks, pouting.

“I used to think like that too, but you know what? Yes, you are a weird demon kid, but that´s exactly why I hang out with you, because I´m a weirdo too. And us weirdos gotta stick together, right?” you tried to cheer him up, not one of your strong suits.

“So you´re saying you only hang out with me out of pity? Oh, that´s just great, (Y/N). But if that´s the case then I´d just rather be by myself again” he coldly stated, walking away from you. You didn´t mean it that way, you tried to go after him, explain yourself but your feet wouldn´t move. Why was he angry at you? You didn´t understand. Maybe you pried too much into his life? You went home and texted him that you were sorry. But he didn´t answer.

He also didn´t talk to you in school, he didn´t even look at you. You felt like absolute crap. For the first time in your life you felt utterly alone. And you didn´t like that feeling one bit.

You couldn´t concentrate all day in school, in your lunch break you read over one of your poems about Tendou again.

The strange girl in the back

And the boy who sees through her

Both have something they lack

Found it in each other

His moon and her sun

Mysterious and complex

And yet they resonate

Reading those lines again gave you an idea, you hastily got out a piece of paper and started scribbling down everything that was in your head.

After school, right before training began you managed to catch Ushijima and handed him a note he should give to Tendou saying he should meet him after training.

“Thanks, oh and could you tell him that I´m sorry and that I miss him, please? Wait, not that I miss him… that sounds weird….um, sorry, I´m holding you up!” you rambled and excused yourself.

You were really anxious, so you went to buy a red lily before going back to school. Somehow you doubted that Tendou would show up, he could do so much better than you, he had so many other friends, friends that didn´t fuck things up like you did, friends that could actually formulate what they meant when speaking. And yet there he was, sitting on a bench.

You sat down next to him, he tilted his head to look at you, a big smile plastered on his face, making you raise an eyebrow.

“Ushijima told me that you missed me” he teased you, to which you blushed.

“And honestly, I miss you too. Look, I´m sorry too, I knew you didn´t mean what you said in the way I thought, but a part of me still thinks everyone´s playing with me. But I didn´t want to make things awkward so I just ignored you, which was really stupid and I´m sorry for that” he told you, his head hanging low.

Your hand subconsciously wandered to lay on his shoulder comfortingly, making him raise his head to face your sweet smile.

“You know I suck at talking, so sorry for the misunderstanding. It´s nice to talk to you like that again, I missed this” you admitted, your heart hammering in your chest. Why did you think it was a good idea to confess right now again?

“What´s that?” Tendou pointed to your hand in which you still held the lily.

“Oh, um...that´s for you...” you shyly handed him the flower, earning confusion from him.

You gulped and took a deep breath before speaking the next words.

“Well, um, it´s a red lily and uh...they stand for passion and they….reminded me of you. And um, maybe….to understand it better you should read this. I wrote it for you, I´m better at writing words than actually saying them” you handed him the poem you wrote for him earlier with shaking hands.

Tendou didn´t know what was going on, never would he have imagined you to be so upfront. You really always did manage to surprise him.

You may be a demon

But that only makes me a satanist

The way you read people

Makes me want to be a book

You have my favorite smile

And are so misunderstood

But to me, if that matters

You truly are, everything

“You wrote that for me?” he breathed out, Tendou never felt so touched, nobody ever did such a great thing for him in his entire life and he wanted to cherish this moment forever, he wanted to cherish you forever. Not knowing what else to do, he hugged you.

You nodded, hugging him back with shaking hands. He was so warm, he felt so familiar, like home, his scent instantly calmed you down, you wanted to hold him forever.

“Does that mean you like me too?” he asked, he still wasn´t sure.

Your heart skipped a beat.

“What do you mean ´too´?” you abruptly said, pulling away from him, cheeks flushed.

“Oh shit! Well, um...I mean I kinda like you...no, fuck that, I like you a whole lot, I thought it was obvious” he chuckled awkwardly.

“Well I think my poem made it obvious too, but because you´re an idiot I´ll say it again for you: I like you too, Satori.” you didn´t know where the sudden confidence came from, maybe it was the adrenaline, but now the secret was out. And you didn´t regret it one bit.

[transgamerthoughts]

Guerrilla Radio

I look at Rodney Mullen and I see a kindred spirit. To hear Mullen speak is to go for a ride, the cadence of his voice rising and falling in unpredictable ways. Sometimes, he speaks at a hushed whisper. A low and pained utterance indicating a reverence and yearning that polite society eschews—if there’s one thing folks feel weird about it’s excess displays of passion. When he’s not quiet, Mullen is truly loud. His laugh is a barking chortle. Painful whisperings, awkward celebration. Mullen is a man of infectious extremes.

I play as Mullen whenever I boot up Tony Hawk Pro Skater 1+2, the recently released remaster of earlier games. There’s an option to create a customized, idealized version of myself and I could always play as the Birdman. I think they expect you to play as Tony for a long time; his toolkit is strong and stats are spread nicely. Those things matter less and less as you play. It’s easy to upgrade any character’s stats and customize their special tricks but Tony Hawk Pro Skater 1+2 hardly explains itself outside of an optional tutorial. It is a game superbly confident in the fact that the player will play every portion of it including the menus. That’s a wise impulse; Tony Hawk Pro Skater 1+2 is terrifyingly intuitive and always has been. How else could many of us fully complete it in our childhoods? Still, even though I could play as myself, I play as Mullen because I’ve never felt so magnetically pulled to an individual in my life. To hear Rodney Mullen talk about skateboarding is to hear myself attempt to talk about games criticism. There is a core of a person that we might call “Rodney Mullen” and a layer of societal artifice built around it. There is a soul and a sort of clay surrounding it. It’s easy to understand that his soul is fragile. It requires a clear and powerful nourishment. For Mullen, that’s skating. Every quiver in his voice when he talks about a trick, every pause before he mentions his domineering father expresses the singular freedom he finds on a skateboard. I immediately recognize it as the freedom I feel on a page. I see footage of an impossible flip and synthetically equate it to a good metaphor. I see freestyle groundtricks flow into each other like tributaries into a large river, and I imagine a comma-laden ramble of a sentence. I feel something ineffable. When I watch footage of Mullen or other contemporaries like Daewon Song, something falls over me like a spectral blanket. What they find through ollies, grinds, and reverts, I chase every time I write.

Before I played Tony Hawk Pro Skater 1+2, I was already watching documentaries on my favorite skaters and looking at old tapes. I’m back with my family for a time in quarantine, and my father found my old skateboard. It’s an old Geoff Rowley Flip board. I was always a clumsy person; skating was liberating but I could never have found the expression that someone like Mullen or Rowley have. But I did find it in games, and in writing. That sounds indulgent and quixotic but it’s true. I can’t explain how completely necessary writing is to me. Perhaps it would be easier to say that I’ve reached a point professionally where I never really need to write criticism again if I don’t want to. I survived the daily news grind, produced some things I liked, put up with some bullshit that I didn’t, and emerged on the other side in a new field. War’s over. Except it’s never over. I need to write.

Playing Tony Hawk, I see the process. Every level is a crash course in finding intense purpose in our surroundings. While the action of Tony Hawk occurs at a scale detached from reality, one where tricks flow into intense sequences and it’s commonplace to leap large rooftop gaps, the process of achieving a high score points towards a truth that any skateboarder can attest to: the world is different when you perceive it from atop a skateboard. Your streets become so much more than pavement. You observe what is before you with a keen eye and find a meaning and intentionality that isn’t immediately obvious.

Until Mullen debuted the flatground ollie in 1982—itself inspired by Alan Gefland’s technique for freehand aerial vert tricks—the street was less explored than parks and vertical ramps. Flat ground competitions were “freestyle” competitions full of pogo tricks and manuals. The ability to leap into the air meant there were new tricks that could be developed. Mullen pioneered further tricks like the kickflip and the impossible entirely because of the new freedom the ollie offered. But the ollie wasn’t just a foundation for new tricks; it opened up the streets to exploration. Skating could move out of the parks. This proved an essential step to keeping the sport alive.

This widening freedom constitutes the core of Tony Hawk’s gameplay. Although there are plenty of vert tricks and Hawk himself is classified in game as a vert skater, the majority of each level’s gameplay is devoted to exploration. Finding hidden video tapes, jumping over parked cars, wall-riding to destroy schoolyard bells. These objectives are about navigating real spaces albeit ones that are somewhat exaggerated. It is contingent on the player to observe the world through the eyes of a skater. Tony Hawk doesn’t capture the realistic mechanics of skating but it does capture the creative sentiment. In order to complete objectives and also achieve high scores, they need to think like a skater.

To hear Mullen talk about developing tricks and the ways in which skating expanded in the 80s, you’d think little revolutionary was happening. For Mullen, tricks were about expression. These various flips and techniques weren’t about pushing the boundaries of skating. They were, first and foremost, the ways in which a shy kid from a strict Gainesville home expressed himself to the world. They were about asserting his value as an individual and expressing the ineffable parts of himself that he could not express any other way. That individual desire fed into a larger ecosystem where his tricks could be adapted and integrated into an ever-evolving language. The personal became conversational. The conversational became foundational. 

I think about these processes and apply them to my own field, although I wonder if I can even call criticism my home anymore. I didn’t write about games because I thought there could be a career in it. I didn’t write about games because I saw starting my blog as a pathway to outlets or studios. I wrote and still write because it is the only way I have as a still-lonely kid from New Hampshire to express something fundamental about myself. I write because it is the only way I’ve ever felt like I’ve been heard. Let me be clear: this is the comparison I’ll make between myself and Mullen. I’m not implying that I’ve done anything so important as he has. When I see Mullen, I see someone who can’t stop. Because stopping means moving back into a silent space. 

That space is painful. I do not make friends easily and struggle to keep them. I am awkward and have, in my life, only found a handful of people who I believe have ever seen the person I truly am. Writing, then, is a way to shed layers and layers of confusion and performance in favor of something authentic.

When I navigate a Tony Hawk level or watch a tape of my favorite skaters, I see the writing process spread before me. To engage in criticism is to find yourself in a new space every time you play a game. There are a variety of potential objectives and angles that you can seek out and achieve. In order to do those in a sensible fashion, you need to explore and familiarize yourself with the space and then perceive the spaces where you can move, combo-like, from one point to another. In-between, you add flourishes and tricks that express something not only about the space you are in but the person you are. Done well, you show that the metaphorical school-yard is far more than a school-yard. It is a playground, it is a battlefield, it is an unexplored land fit for mapping. A writer, like a skater, perceives certain spaces differently. A Metal Gear military installation becomes a metaphor for self-delusion. The world of Dark Souls, whether in the meanderings of the first entry or the broken spaces of the second, expresses something fundamental about the nature of memory. The violence of The Last of Us Part II (and who chiefly suffers in that world) speaks to the biases of the writers.

There’s a catch though. A difference between what Mullen is talking about and the current reality of games criticism. Where Mullen speaks of his individual expression flowing into a communal effort where skaters are engaged in a wider conversation, games criticism has rarely felt so cohesive. It is a balkanized space where writers are often separated from each other. Mainstream writers hardly read the important fringe spaces, academics ignore anyone without their pedigree. There is a lack of institutional or history knowledge because there’s no real tradition of mentorship or places where that history is documented satisfactorily. In journalistic spaces, writers burn out in the face of institutional failures that have led to shoddy reportage and a lack of protection against a reactionary games culture. There is also no pathway for fresh faces to slot into the leadership spaces that could actually address structural issues. Critically, while there’s hundreds of YouTubers and other content creators bringing criticism to the masses, there’s few times where critical terms or concepts carry over into the broader culture. We do not have the same degree of literacy amongst players as, say, films do among film-goers. This is not to say these things are completely absent. I’ve seen moments where the isolated spaces of games writing interact. When academic writers like Frank Lantz and Ian Bogost wrote about narrative in 2015, a cadre of alt-space writers directly engaged with their work in a debate that helped to solidify understandings of ludology and narratology even further that what had been expressed by writers like Gonzolo Frasca. Writers like Stephen Beirne and Durante Pierpaoli coined the terms ludo-fundamentalism and ludo-centrism to better codify schools of thought that dismissed holistic criticism in favor of games systems analysis. Yet, this is not something widely remembered either by academics or players. And while it’s tempting to self-critique and say that I’m overplaying the importance of that moment because of my proximity to it, I think it’s illustrative of the critical sphere’s major failures. 

Conversations come and go in flashes, very little is integrated into the whole, and we largely forget everything that’s come before in favor of repetitious debates and torturous re-litigations. Beyond this, there’s very little discussion between writers. There’s less letter series and response pieces and very little sense that any real conversations are taking place. Writing might be the realm of individual expression that that expression hardly feeds into a larger pool where concepts can be iterated on. This is, more than anything else, the biggest failure of games writing.  I have found deep personal expression in my writing and yes, there is a community. But what about our processes are communal? Perhaps nothing at all.

In addition to Tony Hawk, my current gameplay indulgence is Pathologic. The two could not be more different. One is accommodating and celebratory. It gives the player ample ability to navigate a level and express themselves. The other is oppressive and continually stymies all attempts at progress. Yet, as I play Pathologic I pause. My character, the surgeon Artemy Burakh is approached by the Kin, the tribesmen and women who occupy the steppe outside his home-town. Artemy is a “menkhu,” a group of surgeons and steppe-folk who perform vivisections. They are architects of the flesh. It is said that they are “Those Who Know The Lines.” 

I load up Tony Hawk and play a competition map at a skate-park in Chicago. In order to succeed and get the gold medal, I also search for the lines. I’ve always been searching. With every game, with every word I search for the lines. Mullen needs to skate.  Artemy needs to heal the sick. I need to write. 

[mooswords]

OKAY MOO, I’M CURRENTLY READING UR FIC “Home” AND I’M— THE END OF THE FIRST PART WAS SO BEAUTIFUL. “he always comes home” -> IT’S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL CONTRAST TO THE BEGINNING!!! he gets lost in his OWN fields, and that’s saying something. however, despite that, the reader still being reassured (or as much as she can reassure herself) that he always comes home = he has the red string to BRING HIMSELF BACK TO THE READER = ALWAYS COMING HOME. I’M!!!! and i love the silly banter that opened the story. aLso HIS HESISTATION OVER TELLING THE READER THE JOB HE WAS ASSIGNED... BECAUSE HE WAS WORRIED ABT THE READER.... AKDKSKKSKS. the fact he didn’t accept the offer immediately DESPITE being so in love with the sea and waited for reader’s permission is such a SMALL thing, but when you describe his love for the sea as superior, that action shows he loves the reader even more and i just- SLKDKAKDKSK. i might be over-reading and i apologise if i do bUT DO COMMENT ON IT THANK U!! 🤩💜 - ava

u sent me these eons ago and i promise i wasnt ignoring you ive just been working like 10 hour days and i am Exhausted 😭😭 but all of these messages legitamately give me life, i am so incredibly grateful! <3 im so so glad you enjoyed this fic!! and you are NOT OVERREADING I LOVE TO SEE YOUR INSIGHTS!!!! it makes me fall back in love with the fic all over again! <3 

i am SO glad that him always coming home comes through! because it gets kinda dire in the middle of the fic so i wanted there to be that hope at the back of your mind that knew he always came home. but i wanted you to be stressed about it still so :) and silly banter is my favourite part of writing this guy, i had so much fun with it alskdf.

and ok i love u, you got everything i was trying to do there <33 like i was struggling to find the balance between her reluctance and supportiveness. thats a fun (and tricky) thing about established relationship fics i find... theres that depth of understanding that can make the interactions more interesting, but so much of it is unspoken. it was a good challenge! so its so GOOD to hear that it vibes right hehe

THE WAY KUROO PLAYS WITH THE STRING!!! THAT WAS SUCH A FOND MOMENT OMG AKDKSKDK. and it’s so interesting that it appeared before kuroo even left 👀👀👀

she already missed him 🥺🥺 i originally had him tug on her hair and then i went!!! wait!!!! we can do better than that!!!!!!!!

READER IS LOST WITHOUT KUROOO!!!! AKDKSKSK and i also love the little addition where despite it being a POUT, she holds it close to her heart. with the context of their banters + that little scene, it just shows me how much each appreciate every ounce of the other party which makes me SO SO SO SOFT AKDJSKDKSK. and then hitting me with the scene where reader is eating a meal alone??? a punch in the gut. when she realised she’s alone I TOO remembered that kuroo is gone and that softness established in the previous scene is sUCKED OUT—ASKDKSKSKSK. 

im just a little obsessed with the little things and gestures that make u fall in love with someone? like the specific way my friend twirls her pen while were in lectures, or how my dad has that one little smile when hes amused himself with his own joke... and for that to be a last lifeline for her to hold on to before he leaves :’))) I JUST LOVE EST RELATIONSHIP FICS OK?!

hehehe yes im sorry about that puch to the gut oops 😇 that was a scene i had super clear in my head before i started - the bright, bright string against the relative drab of the table and room.

i’m at the part where reader gets lost and let me tell u, the fact they have a WAY to communicate via string pulling alone is SO ENDEARING and just subtly hints they have been at this whole red string thing for AGES (or at least enough to form such an understanding). that’s ADORABLE and really strengthens the bonds they have together 

yessssssssssss as soon as i thought of this idea i knew it had to be an established relationship. i have it in my brain they have been married maybe 2-3 years?? i am such a sucker for unspoken understanding relationships :’)

“You push hurriedly through the crowd, ducking between market stalls and wagons. There’s no string to follow, but you don’t need it to find him today.” THIS SENTENCE WAS SO BEAUTIFUL in the context of the entire story. and what a perfect way to describe/show the reader that it’s THE DAY. MOO, you’re really serving such great kuroo x reader stories please continue AHHAHA

this entire fic was so self indulgent please dshlfkljadsb but im glad u like this line!! i tend to try visualise the scene like a movie first? and then write it, and this was also one of the first scenes that was super clear in my brain :D

402 DAYS!!!! I SEE WHAT U DID THERE 👀👀 also, is this is a little hint to how u had to wait until the end to see timeskip kuroo? HAHAHA that wld be adorable

WAIT YO THATS CLEVER? I DIDT EVEN- ava when i say that is a COMPLETE coincidence... i literally just picked a number that was longer than 365 days... breaking news i am a secret genius JKBDSCN

i also really liked the “in-between”: of reader’s life without kuroo. u can really see how integrated they are to each other’s lifestyle, and not only that, the scene where reader handles a twin’s birth (to me) strengthens how they’re reallllly soulmates. there is a low chance that kuroo knew reader was in a desperate situation, yet he pulled on the string at the time reader needed it. it’s just—telapathy but not really + soulmate system = SOULMATES. do i make sense? and i really love the details, like how we can trace back kuroo’s scar to a moment of reader’s life in the fic. putting it at the end sort of makes me reflect on their situations that happened simultaneously yet not really. it sort of fills me in with this,,, space. that the earth is so wide. i understand deeper what reader means by “oh he’s going to be gone for so long”. it’s just. wow. the earth is so big yk.

YES YOU MAKE TOTAL SENSE!!! it's such a lovey way of looking at it :') can they communicate and understand eachother like this cuz theyre soulmates? or just because they love each other and have learnt the other inside out?? hhnn this is why i love soulmate aus, theres so much to pull apart!!!

and ok yes on the topic of how big the earth is... im so glad u mentioned this, its my favourite part because (not to get like... super sappy or anything) i was writing this through the toughest stages of our second lockdown. our restrictions got to the point we werent allowed further than 5km from out homes, so writing about freedom and big spaces and exploration of far off places was such a nice escape for me :’) this fic has ended up very close to my heart. (plus i was reading @/w-yuren’s hq0819 series at the time so i had travel and adventure on the brain hehe) 

THE ENDING.... THE ENDING.... THE WAY KUROO ASKED READER TO KI** HIM—IT’S LIKE THE KUROO IN MY HEAD YESSSSS. Gosh, this line too “when he kisses you he tastes like the sea; like salt-spray and dry rations and freedom.” may i have a director’s cut abt it :3 AND AKDJSKSK. i really love how the string appeared even tho they were together (the scene before kuroo docked on the ship) and once again, they are together, but none of them are lost because they r together-together. do i make sense? am i overreading things??? again, i have to comment on the banter. it’s simply amazing. kuroo’s replies are so,, KUROO, and they are filled with such FONDNESS I’M SO AKDKSKSK.

IM SO GLAD HE VIBES THANK U I THINK THE FONDNESS IS MY BIAS SHOWING BUT SHHHHH ;P you have picked one of my favourite lines out heheh it was one that just flowed out and wasnt one i particularly had to think about which is always nice. but i think it is a combo of me trying to be fancy lol and me being a huge fan of fantasy-books-set-on-ships. think like explorers or pirates, some rag tag bunch who have to set off on some quest and come back with some of that wildness imbued in their very being... yeah this line was definitely born from me Yearning i think :P

ooo do you mean the wedding scene? that was me trying to hit the ‘feeling lost in a crowd’ idea. you know when youre surrounded by people and joy and laughter and you just feel very small and disconnected? that.

ALSO READER’S DYANAMICS WITH KARASUNO CHARACTERS IS ADORABLE AKDKSKSKK. the festival scene was such a breather and it was adorable to see her interact with those characters. it feels like a snapshot in her life i simply adore that :3

ahh yea! i wanted her to have a life, you know? shes not the type to mope around, like life goes on. that doesnt mean she doesnt miss him oof but theres a whole community around to support her too!! and im very fond of takeda in this scene :’) he takes care of his crows <3

I RAMBLED SO BAD BUT THANK U AGAIN LOVELY I CANT EXPLAIN HOW AMAZING THESE ARE TO RECIEVE <3  

[yellow-r-o-s-e]

NEURODIVERGENT

There’s definately something wrong with Roman. He just wants to know what it is

Word Count: About 4500

Warnings: lots of talk of assorted mental illnesses, including PTSD, depression, anxiety, and anorexia, pretty detailed description of a panic attack, self deprecating feelings, mentioned past abusive relationship, imposter syndrome, implied gaslighting, let me know if there’s anything else I need to put, I don’t know how to do this, there is a happy ending but please be safe

Notes: This is a fanfic of the wonderful “Love and Other Fairytales” by @tulipscomeinallsortsofcolors. It’s technically a Sanders Side fanfiction, but you don’t need to know anything about Sanders Sides for her story to make sense. It’s a really amazing modern fairy tale, and I would highly recommend it to anyone who somehow hasn’t read it yet. Also the story below probably won’t make any sense without the context.

In her story, a few of the main characters (Virgil and Logan) are autism coded, which I can relate to a lot with my ADHD, and I ended up projecting said ADHD on a different character, Roman Gage. It’s a bullet fic because it’s so long it would take me a week to write it all out, and also it’s very self-indulgent and I put my own self-insert OC in because noone can stop me from having fun. Not edited because we die like men. Enjoy!

————————————

It starts on what should be a perfect day. It’s early September, Logan is off at a “fairy” lesson with Virgil. It’s not too humid anymore, it’s cooled down just enough to be comfortable. And Roman thinks it would be a perfect day for hunting in the woods

Except as soon as he thinks about hunting, he thinks about h i m and he’s suddenly nauseous

But it’s fine, Roman’s fine, besides he has lots of people to talk about it with now. His bfs know and are supportive, and Mamaw knows too now. He doesn’t even miss Dee that much…

And oh mother gothel he does not feel good he needs to think about something else

He suddenly remembers that he is in fact currently having a picnic with Patton and he should focus on that

And he’s aware that Patton just asked a question but he doesn’t know what Patton asked, And he feels really bad but he just smiles and asks Patton to repeat himself

He wishes he could actually pay attention to his bf the first time but life hates him apparently, and Patton’s talking very slowly and carefully because his lessons are helping but he’s still afraid of hurting Roman. And heck if that doesn’t make Roman feel even worse

Anyways, Patton says he’s concerned that Roman hasn’t eaten anything, and offers to go somewhere else for food if Roman doesn’t want picnic

And Roman just laughs and says he’s fine, he just ate a big breakfast. Except. He didn’t eat breakfast at all. He doesn’t know why he said that but now he’s panicking inside as he continues to talk to Patton on the surface level. He’s not trying to not eat on purpose, he’s just really not hungry much

So he’s very worried about himself now as he realizes he’s been skipping meals like crazy recently. He knows he’s not anorexic because like, it’s not intentional. He just keeps forgetting his body needs food to survive??? Is that a normal thing to happen???

Ten minutes maximum pass before he’s spilling all of this to Patton because he’s Very Worried and they’re trying to be more open with each other anyways

And Patton, who’s already been worried about Roman since the whole ’planning to die to save his friends without telling anyone’ thing, is like “have you considered speaking to a doctor”

Roman’s like “Mamaw hates the physician” and then Patton reminds him he’s an actual adult and long story short a few days later he’s having a meeting with Dr. Sherwood

He’s being asked all the standard questions and he’s just realizing ‘oh no, there’s definitely something wrong with me’. He’s having trouble sleeping, trouble eating, trouble focusing, things that used to make him happy don’t anymore…. And Dr. Sherwood says he probably has depression

Which honestly makes a little too much sense after all the heartbreak and loss and isolation and abuse and whatnot

He gets officially diagnosed shortly after

There’s no therapist in Wickhills but Dr. Sherwood offers to prescribe antidepressants

But antidepressants can be very finicky and Roman’s not in immediate danger or anything so he figures he’ll just try Mamaw’s potions and whatnot for now and maybe change later

He’s very afraid to tell Mamaw but surprise, she’s not mad at all. Well, she’s a little upset that he thought he had to sneak away to go to the doctor

They talk, and depression treatment is a lot more complicated than just a quick spell but they agree to be more honest with each other when they’re having bad days (because May’s physical health is not doing great either)

He talks to the bf squad too, and he feels guilty telling them for some reason. He doesn’t want to be someone for them to take care of, y’know, he wants to be the one taking care of them

They’re all like “Roman shut up you’re beautiful and talented and amazing and we love you”. Patton reminds him that he literally planned the picnic they just had. And the entire summer he was like, stargazing or serenading or painting with one of them at least once a week

They remind him that it’s okay for the roles to reverse every once in a while. It's literally not healthy to never ask for help, even if you don’t have depression

He’s already been unofficially working with Patton’s parents for a while and he has a long talk with the Wallers about it and 1) it’s not like they could replace him if they wanted 2) they still want to keep an eye on their son’s bf and learn more about what he’s doing (He doesn’t actually let much slide but they can hope) and 3) they’re nice people

so they work on making his hours flexible but not too flexible so he can miss work if he’s not feeling good but he still feels needed and has responsibility. It’s a struggle but everyone’s doing their best

Plus the Wallers are practically trying to adopt Roman in their son’s absence so it’s not like they wouldn’t be doing this anyway

And Roman starts to feel, not great, but more in control of his life at least

And there are always the good days, it’s almost always good when he visits his bfs, he starts liking acting again more, he starts getting excited about musicals again

And now that he’s a knight and he’s making good memories with Virgil, the woods aren’t making him feel icky anymore

And all the squad talk to him and promise to not undercut his happiness when it’s there. They work to not overreact when he’s surprised to be happy, and tell him he’s never annoying, he’s always free to ramble about whatever he’s excited about

And soon he’s looking into theater college applications, and he’s hanging out with Thomas and Remy, and he sees some touring Broadway shows (Wicked, The Lion King and Mary Poppins) in Cleveland, and Bell and him and sometimes Virgil are hunting in the woods again, and he’s a knight which is amazing, and he has self-confidence again,

And Logan found a perfect college which Roman is very happy about, seeing as he’s the one who did THAT to get Logan a chance to go to college a while ago. And Logan invites Roman to go on his college visit with him (along with Thomas). And Roman does feel a bit guilty because he feels like the only reason he was invited is because of the whole fae deal

But it’s fine, he’s happy to be going with Logan anyways

Virgil says he’ll be fine with Patton, they manage to find a flight that won’t go over any rivers (they don’t know what would happen but they don’t want to risk it). They’re all packed up for a few days and Logan is so happy he’s glowing

Roman can’t stop smiling either tbh, he just nods and listens to Logan rambling about how cool the greenhouses are. And it’s perfect

Until suddenly,,, it’s not???

Because the airport is Too Loud, which he tries to ignore

And something deep inside of him is afraid of Logan being away for so long because he’ll miss him but he ignores that too, it’s just excitement probably, right?

And then the plane takes off, which makes Logan a bit nauseous but it’s super fun for Roman, it’s basically a rollercoaster, right? He gives lots of comforting forehead kisses and Thomas is jokingly like ‘ew affection’

But then?? The seat belt buckled signs are still on? And Roman cannot move?

He’s trapped in the seat, trapped in the plane

He

Cannot

Move

And it’s So Loud all of a sudden. And he doesn’t even realize he’s frozen until he’s calming down and Logan is Squishing him

And they talk about that a bit and claustrophobia is normal it’s fine

And the trip goes pretty well. Actually, no, it was better than pretty well. Logan found his college and it’s perfect and Roman needs to stop being so Selfish and judging the trips success by his own experience

But Roman is still just worried about Logan leaving, what if he ends up hating the school? What if he gets trapped?

And he’s having flashbacks to the college visit before that ended terribly. Because he still hasn’t really forgiven himself for how upset Logan was when he got locked out of Wickhills after brief freedom. And he Does Not want to hurt Logan again

And then the intrusive thoughts start coming and he can’t stop them. And he’s worried about a ton of things that would never happen

What if Dee’s curse is still there somehow and when they get back Logan’s locked out of Wickhills?

That doesn't even make sense, stop-

What if Logan doesn’t actually want to go to college and he’s just faking because he feels bad for Roman, and he’s going to be miserable here?

Logan can’t even lie and why would he do that?

What if- stop

What if- Stop!

And this has definitely been happening for a while, he realizes, it’s just been much harder to ignore on the trip, where he can’t just block out the thoughts by picking apples (not that that works very well either)

So he talks with Logan and Thomas on the plane ride home and then he does a few google searches while waiting for luggage when they get back

And he’s now 100 percent sure that he’s been having anxiety attacks and/or panic attacks, like, several times a day

And he sees the doctor very shortly after getting back into town

It takes him 20 minutes to get diagnosed with general anxiety

Dr. Sherwood asks ‘is this happening very frequently?’ and Roman asks how often frequently is and it’s about once a week apparently. Which is laughably low compared to Roman. So now he knows that he has both depression and anxiety

His family and bfs know and they’re doing their best to supportive

Roman has a whole bunch of exercises he can do

So now it should be better, he knows what’s going on, right?

But he doesn’t feel any better At All. In fact, it seems to be getting worse by the day

And a lot of Roman’s panic attacks are just him being afraid he’ll have a panic attack and then be a burden. Which is so dumb and cyclical and he knows his bfs won’t be mad but that doesn’t stop it from happening

At least Logan and Thomas know how to deal with panic attacks and help him. And the bf squad all learns they can tell him when he’s being unreasonable. But the trouble is sometimes he absolutely knows he’s being unreasonable and he keeps doing it

He tries to go on meds for a cool minute but he doesn’t get better he just gets exhausted. And May’s potions are more personally suited to him anyways. Not that he’s good about taking those either

But it’s fine he’s strong he can handle it it’s fine it’s okay

Cut to a few months later around late winter

There’s a bright moon, the woods are all quiet, and it’s honestly just so soft and relaxing. And Roman’s enjoying being a knight and chilling with Bell and Virgil

There’s not even anything bad happening that they need to deal with, or anything to hunt down, they’re just kind of chilling in the woods on horseback

Bell’s catching Virgil up on fairyland happenings that he missed because he pays more attention to Patton than the actual court; Roman’s catching him up on what Logan and Elliot are up to

And then, it’s such a small thing, it shouldn’t ruin there night or even pause it, But as they’re laughing and Roman playfully punches Bell and Virgil rolls his eyes

This absolutely harmless garter snake rubs against Roman’s leg

And he’s just instantly Not Okay At All

And Virgil notices immediately and just glares back to see what hurt Roman, thinking some idiot fae with a death wish played a trick on him

Virgil’s really angry but trying to look calm for Roman and he meets eyes with Roman for half a second

Roman sees something incredibly familiar in his eyes and now he’s Even Worse

Virgil takes a very limp and frozen Roman who’s smiling a little too blankly and agreeing with everything V says back to fairyland and is talks to him soothingly but it takes Roman a very long minute before he’s even talking

And Virgil’s just a complete mess

And when he finds out that it wasn’t someone hexing Roman or anything, it was just his a snake that wanted to move and V’s stare, he just switched to exhausted

There might be a bit of crying on both of their parts but don’t tell anyone

And Roman wants to talk more but his voice isn’t working and he’s stuttering a lot

And every question Virgil asks about his comfort (do you want me to call the others? Do you want me to take you home?) makes Roman even more stressed so eventually he ends up snuggling with Roman in that bed for the night

And Bell checks in on them later and is very obviously a part of the Kill Dee Again squad

It had been like 2 months since Roman had the nightmares and he’s never had panic attacks like this before, he doesn’t know what’s happening

He doesn’t know why Dee’s still haunting him? What did he do wrong when he tried to forget him?

He has nightmares but Virgil’s afraid to wake him up, he might completely break down again, and Virgil doesn’t even know what he’d say anyways

He doesn’t think breaking down sobbing again would help

Roman wakes up in the morning just exhausted and starts crying again anyways

He tries to talk but it goes badly so he ends up communicating with Virgil through writing, which is much easier, though his hand is shaking and the paper is tear stained

And Virgil’s just absolutely heartbroken by how helpless Roman looks

Roman tried to apologize for not being able to talk but Virgil points out that he and Logan have trouble talking without thinking first for fae reasons and so does Patton, Roman isn’t going to be a burden on the group by being the same as everyone else

And Logan comes in lead by Bell

And he’s the calm that the other two need right now

He’s stressed too obviously but he translates his stress into logical thinking

And the word PTSD comes into the conversation for the first time

So guess who gets another diagnosis? Our boy

He finds out that PTSD symptoms often take a while to show up, he hopes it will disappear again but who knows

Not him

And the symptoms cross over (avoidance, sluggishness, panic) so it ends up replacing the other two diagnoses

So that means that he doesn’t have depression and anxiety after all??? It was just PTSD?

And Roman blindly agrees because these appointments are becoming habitual

But it doesn’t feel right?

Because there’s still something about him that feel distinctly Not Normal that PTSD itself can’t explain

Because some of his restlessness, unhappiness, recklessness, has existed since before he made the deal

So he feels like he might be faking PTSD because it can’t possibly ALL be caused by Dee

And be feels like he’s being unfair to Dee and heck if that’s something he can just say to his bfs without them getting on his case

He knows it’s dumb so it shouldn’t be a problem anyways

Hahahahaha

On a different note he’s still not sleeping anywhere near a normal amount

Dizzy says it’s because “Night Roman” screwed up his sleep schedule

Then there’s also the nightmares

And the lingering feeling that he’s slacking off while sleeping, he should be working on something else

So he talks to Dizzy and does research and he’s not sure if it counts because of his strange specific situation, but he decides he has insomnia in some way or another

And that’s an easy fix with potions (it’s not, they don’t work for long)

And then, before he can blink, he’s in college, and school is a thing

And he Loves acting, he Loves all the literature, he Loves picking his own classes and making new theater friends and speaking other languages with people

But then, during the “actual classroom classes” it’s not good all the time

There is something deeply uncomfortable about being stuck in a chair for multiple hours

Where you have to be somewhat quiet and pay attention to what the teacher is talking about

Like, you have to go at Their Speed, not yours

And he realizes that maybe it’s been like that for a while

Maybe it was his year off that made him realize it, maybe Wickhills is just that different

But he doesn’t like doing his general ed classes

Which is weird because he loves learning

And he’s super focused most of the time, but sometimes he just can’t hear the teachers?

And he remembers homework perfectly UNLESS he writes it down

And he can’t convince himself to do math and science homework no matter how hard he tries but he doesn’t tell anyone just pretends he’s purposely ignoring it

Oh and also whenever people criticize his acting or essays it’s physically painful but that’s probably not a big deal

Oh and schedule changes are the literal worst thing to ever happen in his life

So he thinks he might have hearing problems which is why he misses that they have homework or can’t hear people talking no matter how hard he tries

So he’s tested for hearing loss, tested for tinnitus and nothing

And then he realizes he sometimes struggles to read and write the correct way? He loves literature but he finds out that to other people, the words are not usually messed up like that

So he tries dyslexia, vision problems, dysgraphia, and still just nothing fits quite right

And maybe he’s making excuses and he’s actually just too dumb to be in advanced literature?

So he starts worrying that maybe he just wants to be special

Maybe he doesn’t have any mental illnesses, except just hypochondria

Except as soon as he starts considering hypochondria, OCD comes up

Because he feels incredibly, obsessively worried about everything

And there are times when he just has to do something other than pay attention and maybe those are compulsions

But maybe he’s wrong because the compulsions aren’t usually about fears, he just wants to wiggle around, click his pens, etc.

And that’s when he starts considering Tourettes

But that doesn’t work either because it’s not that severe, he’s way more able to resist impulses than he should be

And Tourettes wouldn’t explain enough anyways

So we’re like halfway through Roman’s freshman year and he’s just very confused?

Is he neurotypical? Does he have every mental illness ever? He doesn’t know

He still has a PTSD diagnoses but hasn’t been triggered as badly as that first time again, so he’s not even sure if he had That

And then Logan comes home for winter

And he’s very happily explaining how college is going in Maine

They already know lots but it’s fun to hear it in person

And Roman asks if anyone suspects he’s a fairy and if that’s causing problems and Logan says most people probably just think he’s autistic

And Roman is confused because that doesn’t seem at all?? related???

But Logan and Virgil start explaining autism and it does make a lot of sense and

Wait a minute is that what he is??????

So Roman just doesn’t freaking sleep for a week after Logan goes back to school because he’s researching autism nonstop

And it doesn’t feel right but he doesn’t know if it’s because of stigma or something else

It doesn’t feel like a bad word when he uses it to describe Logan but that could just be self deprecation he doesn’t know

And the ice cream bar model makes it really hard to tell because there’s so many options

And some of the symptoms are other mental illnesses

So he decides to just go with it for now, try it out as a label in his own head

He doesn’t tell anyone because that makes it more real and stressful and he’d feel guilty if he was wrong

But he starts using headphones to block out noise, gets himself some fidget toys to use in class, he learns that he likes certain stimuli and dislikes others (that’s not proof though that’s every single person, isn’t it?)

he starts getting better at writing conversations down first, bringing index cards actually makes him look smarter, not useless like he feared

So he still feels guilty because he’s pretty sure he’s not actually autistic and he doesn’t tell the boys

He can actually lie unlike some of the squad

And they’re all so used to getting “the world is too loud” from V and L that they don’t even realize something is different

Because remember, they’ve been hanging out with Roman for years, he’s always been restless and argumentative, and outside the college the main difference they see is he’s happier

So cut to a few months later

In some general ed class which Roman despises but that’s life

He’s partnered with the “smart girl” of the class, Serena Miller, on a group project

Which is very lucky because he has no idea what the heck is going on it’s way too theoretical for him

And she’s super patient, and they actually really click and they’re becoming good friends from they’re meetings

They’re hanging out more and more after school and she happily explains mathematical paradoxes and knot theory and he talks about the plots of different musicals

And they both just nod along half the time because they don’t completely understand, but the human interaction is very nice

And anyways Roman has this sudden realization that maybe she’s flirting with him and she’s just doing all of this with the expectation that they’re going to date

He just freaking blurts out “I’m gay and also taken” because God gifted him with chivalry, not subtlety, okay?

She’s confused and pauses for a second

Like “good for you but what does that have to do with three dimensional coordinate systems”

And he’s very awkwardly like “oh sorry I was afraid you were flirting with me”

She’s like “lol sorry for freaking you out, I just really like math, and I tend to latch onto other ADHD people because they’re just so much easier to talk to”

And Roman’s like what did you say???

So after a very long and repetitive conversation he realizes she’s ADHD and also 100 percent convinced he’s ADHD too

He says “wait a minute I don’t have ADHD?” and she’s not even like “oh you don’t?” she’s like “oh, you didn’t know?”

She’s still writing out math problems for the research as this is going on BTW she’s a fidgety girl

So, long story short they head off to a cafe to talk more without being in the middle of a library

And they meet up with a bunch of Serena’s friends, a lot of which Roman knows from theater

There’s Jaclyn Steele who played his love interest when their college did Footloose (they were Ren and Ariel)

And Aïsha Pérez who did a Romeo and Juliet monologue with him a while ago

And Gabriella Clay who’s absolutely going to be on Broadway soon, she already was on it as young Nala in the Lion King when she was thirteen, noone has any doubts that she’s going back

They talk about ADHD, how it’s not actually being unable to focus

ADHD people are actually very good at focusing on things a lot of the time, it’s just difficult to switch tasks

And they can experience sensory overload too

He finds out about RSD, which is a side effect of ADHD basically translates to “misinterpriting wjat people say to think they hate you” disorder, and that explains so many things

And it also has side effects of not being able to speak very well when stressed, so that explains a lot to

And he finds out that literally All of These Girls have ADHD???

No wonder they were so easy to hang out with?

They’re all on the same wavelength

He’s really afraid that having ADHD means he’s broken for a second, but Aïsha explains that it’s not even a mental illness, it’s just a neurodivergence

“Your brain doesn’t work worse than other peoples’ brains, it just works different”

And yeah, they agree it’s a lot like autism

Gabriella was actually misdiagnosed with autism when she was little so she talks a lot more with him about how similar they are

They end up having a sleepover in Serena and Gabriella’s dorm room

(Roman callshome to let Virgil and May know not to worry about him)

They’re all spread out on the floor with blankets, watching the office bloopers on a cracked Ipad until 5am and it’s the best Roman’s felt in weeks

And it’s not like he’s “cured” now but it feels so so so good to know he’s not alone

He ends up talking to Dizzy (who’s supportive but doesn’t understand exactly why Roman cares so much), then Mamaw (who’s happy for him if a bit confused by his excitement, he didn’t really tell her too much about the Search for a label), then the bf squad who’re mostly like ‘heck yeah none of us are at all normal’

And Patton’s not in desperate need of a diagnoses but he says he’s def not neurotypical, and he’s probably not allistic

Roman’s afraid of visiting the doctor again for fear of being denied a diagnosis

He doesn’t know what he’d do if he was told he was wrong

But Patton talks to Emile (with permission of course), and Emile gets help from his own Psychology professors and ends up doing 90% of the paper work and helping Roman with the exact criteria for diagnosis, so Roman has no doubts by the time he walks in to the hospital

Emile is also like oh that’s cool me too so that’s how Roman finds out that Emile is ADHD too

Eventually Roman does get an actually diagnosis and medication that works WITH his ADHD, not against it

And it turns out ADHD isn’t exclusive of the other things he considered, he probably did have actual PTSD and depression and anxiety and maybe more, but at least he has the root cause of so much of what makes him different

Emile also mentions there are a few other weird towns and offers to help get Roman a therapist who wouldn’t freak out about Wickhills

A few months later he ends up video conferencing Dr. Aaliyah Dixon from New Orleans and she doesn’t bat an eye at his talks about making a deal with the fae and having his memories magically separated

So he’s not “cured” by any means, but he knows who he is now, his boyfriends know how to help, he has college friends to bond with, and he’s absolutely not alone