#erasing her 'complaints'/depression

[bird-likes-to-fandom]

You know, as annoying as Mom Friend' Constance HCs sound, we could very well be living in the worse timeline where the fandom hates her because she 'has a good life but still complains about it'

oh, god. you have a point there

[miss-eli-starfleet]

My critique of CW’S The Flash

The Flash is one of my absolute favourite shows, and I think it deserves one of these. Yes my favourite shows deserve critiques because there are changes I would’ve liked to see instead. This is all just my opinion on the show, not exactly hating it. Plus.. I saw someone else doing something similar to here goes.

Imma be clear at the start. I don’t hate WestAllen, just really really disappointed with how they were written in the latter seasons sometimes.

Props to every actor in the Flash who put all their effort into the show whether the script was cringe or not.

Season 1-2 was FIRE. No complaints. Loved the WestAllen.

Season 3 was good,

but I think they could’ve done Savitar better. Still liked him as the big bad being depressed/emo!Barry. I’ll say that I got really attached to Harry in S2 which made me wonder why they have HR there at all? The dude grew on me, and he added humour to the team, but honestly between him and Harry, it could’ve easily been Harry. Though it means he would die at the end.. so I’m glad Season 3 had HR Wells instead sorry not sorry.

The relationship between Julian Albert and Barry was so fun to watch. Which reminds me, LOVED Eobard’s appearance as Matt Letscher in 3x01. I have no idea why they continue to use Wells’ face like bruh. Your pretending as Wells is over so like why. GIMME MORE MATT!EOBARD.

I loved Frost???

Season 4 was also great.

I’d say more quality than season 3 because it was their first time against a big bad that WASN’T a speedster yet posed a more than adequate challenge to the team. The plot was nice and unique (I really loved Hazard!). I’ll say that DEVOE was kinda showing some red flags before becoming the Thinker in his relationship with Marlize, like he seemed kinda overly possessive of her. Glad that she switched to helping Team Flash after seeing what her husband had become. Loved her “Thinker’s first victim” line.

I felt like they started focusing on Cecile too much? Her role was vital to the plot at the end with helping Barry hop into Devoe’s mind to retrieve Ralph. And speaking of Ralph, I was neutral towards the character at first, but he grew on me. Also why fire him for sometning he did like 10yrs ago. That made no sense. I’d rather Ralph than more Cecile or Allegra.

LOVED ALL THE BANTER BETWEEN HARRY AND CISCO. And FROST FROST FROST!!! I liked her S4 outfit. I also think Barry’s supersuit was the best in this season.

One of my favourite episodes was “Flashtime”. Awesome awesome filler episode.

Season 5 was also great.

Barry’s supersuit was trash tho imo. He just looks like a weird deformed strawberry.

Above average but not quite as good as S4. LOVED NORA WORKING WITH THAWNE then Barry finding out and tossing her into the pipeline cell lol. Just the betrayal, and then dumping her in the middle of a random street in the future. Loved all the father-daughter moments she had with Barry. Cool to see the writers creativity in “meta-tech”.

However Iris.. bro in 5x19 she has some issues bringing up the fact Barry NEEDED to go into the Speedforce TWICE. And then her telling Barry to his face that she didn’t care that Nora was working with Thawne. Like bro, he murdered your husband’s mother and caused sm problems. And you don’t care about that?? Good to see that Barry called her out in the end.

Imma complain about freaking Sherloque again. Why not Harry? Even after what happened to him in S4, I think he could’ve figured out that Nora is secretly working with Thawne. Like dude’s still smart af.

Nora getting erased from existence at the very end.. sad :( I miss S5 Nora

Season 6.

I feel like this is when everything started going downhill. I didn’t care for Mirror Monarch. The mirror!Iris storyline was interesting to see. Idk what happened the rest of the season. That’s how much I didn’t care for this season lol. I think the other half was about Ramsey and how he wanted to make everyone zombies. Man I HATED Sue Dearborn or however you spell her name. She just took up too much screentime. This is when it started feeling like “Iris & Friends” instead of “The Flash”.

Liked to see how Barry dealt with slowly losing his speed bc he was killing the speedforce lol. Liked how the Caitlin/Frost duo became separate people. It was cool. At least we got that lol.

I think this is when Allegra comes in. I honestly can’t stand her. Like the whole her and her sister trope? Why.

The one thing I did like was Barry’s artificial speedforce gave him speed thinking. Awesome episode to watch. EXCEPT NASH. WHY. His sacrifice is useless in the end because of the whole “Iris is Barry’s lightning rod” thing. Have nothing about a speedster’s lightning rods in the comics, just didn’t like how that was written into the show. It eventually got really annoying.

Season 7.

Where do I even begin. This is when Barry’s “children” became a thing, and then suddenly speedforce!Nora wanting to kill all of them? Like what??? Where did that come from? Dion’s storyline was interesting. The rest were just.. Meh. And the CGI was so cringe.

I loved Abra Kadabra??? Why they gotta kill him off in one episode.

Does Chillblaine start coming in this season? I dislike him in general.

Season 8.

THIS IS WHEN BARRY’S ACTUAL CHILDREN COME BACK.

Now with Nora getting erased in S5, I really would’ve preferred if they gave us Tornado Twins instead. Like you can even use the same actors, but I honestly don’t really like the new Nora. I did like seeing her interaction between her and her family.

Also. Bart. I. Have. Major. Problems. I LOVE Bart but he is supposed to be Barry’s GRANDSON. Give us Don Allen instead. I did like the episode where they messed up the timeline, went back to 2013 and then accidentally reset Jay into the timeline. Also loved the episode with the whole Barry and the gamma radiation making him age hella fast. Bro was basically a zombie at the end and still overloaded the machine with the speedforce.

The. Stupid. Power Rangers godspeed arc was shit and them being Bart’s Thawne-like arch nemesis. Like boy, don’t compare Thawne with your godspeed problems. Don’t even start. Also what is with the “Negative Forces” and “Positive Forces” Power Rangers thing and then Iris’ time sickness? At this point, The Flash just started to feel like a soap opera.

I liked Chester even though he was a “replacement” for Cisco. He was unique. But the whole Allegra/Chester budding relationship where did that come from?? It just seemed very cringe and didn’t do much for the plot besides drama I guess. Khione was meh. Like just give us Caitlin with Frost in some way. I don’t care about Khione and her arc. Pls give us more Barry and not so much Cecile and Allegra.

Season 9

The show should just be renamed “Power Rangers: Iris & Friends” at this point. They made an entire episode without Barry?? Like if I pick up a Flash comic book, I expect it to be about THE FLASH. Not his random friends. Like yes, his friends can make appearances but don’t give me a whole dang episode without Barry THE MAIN CHARACTER. Also how the hell did Cecile become that OP, where is the character development.

Idk where Chillblaine comes in but I just don’t like him, not to mention that I don’t like the relationship between him and Frost. Like what.

Eddie’s Cobalt Blue arc and Red Death arc could’ve been done WAY better. I didn’t see any plot relevance in any way. It was written so poorly. Red Death was just like evil speedster!Batman or something. Please don’t bring our beloved Eddie back if you gonna write him all just jealous of Barry and him somehow becoming the new avatar of the Negative Speedforce. And what does Batwoman have anything to do with this (I believe she appears in the finale villains arc)l

There is legit only one episode I like in S9. The one that comes “full circle”. The one where Barry gets stuck in 2000, gets to chill with his parents for one day, and then comes full circle with Matt!Eobard killing Nora. SEASON 1 QUALITY. They even use the same bg music which awwww. And the “If I can spend one more day with my parents, then what would I say to them?” Line? Chef’s kiss.

Did not like the finale. His final run speech was okay about sharing his gift. Definitely would’ve preferred if Barry became the lightning bolt that struck him in S1 like in the comics.

Idk which episodes: Loved all the Amunet & Frost storyline, and then Goldface time to time appearances. Especially “Officer Chemist” lol.

[all-pacas]

Unpopular opinion:as a Chase fan,I don't like his fanon self much. He seems too... Soft,for the lack of a better word? People seem to erase his harsher edges and bad attitudes in favour of a fragile person who wouldn't survive a second under House.

lmao god his fanfic self is so funny. he’s so sweet and prone to self harm and uwu. like mind you, i also see plenty of stuff on tumblr that’s like “this SPOILED RICH KID who is SO DUMB and SO ENTITLED” and i’m like calm down about that also. i’ve been reading a lot of ffn stuff recently and it’s fascinating to see what was written during the show’s run. chase really does get polished to a shine.

i think it’s easy to make chase soft on the one hand: he cries more on the show than anyone else (love that for him), he’s also kind of quiet. weirdly, i think the cam/chase romance is also a factor: the show pretty consistently… does some interesting things with that ship, but, cameron is generally (if gently/sympathetically) shown to be in the wrong, and chase to be the patient and forgiving boyfriend, right? (and this is because the relationship is shown thru cameron’s pov and lens and in terms of her character development; she gets to Make Mistakes so that she grows; chase is largely just her accessory). and then when she leaves, we get to see him be upset about it, which of course only adds to the uwu pretty sadboy filter.

but yeah! chase is prickly! like post-divorce everyone is being really nice and he is super rude and sarcastic and dismissive. he makes sarcastic little comments constantly. he is prone to sulking and passive-aggression. he wants validation and is kind of needy and when he doesn’t get those things he starts rolling his eyes and making weird comments (”works for spaghetti!”). chase also, i think, thinks… pretty highly of himself? like i don’t think he’s arrogant exactly, he’s no foreman. but he clearly doesn’t struggle with self worth. he knows he’s a good surgeon, he knows he’s got money, he hilariously thinks it’s his personality and not his looks that make women like him. he knows he is very good looking. while that isn’t to say he can’t be insecure (he really can be, at least when cameron is concerned), he isn’t self loathing. he knows he’s good at talking to people and doing his job and being pretty.

he’s pretty good at putting on a charming front when he needs to, but it’s very much a front. one of my favorite little things is that in poison he’s chatting up the patient’s mom, lightly joking, being friendly. she gets him removed from the case and he’s outraged, quote: “She complained? About me?” He is literally so mad that someone wouldn’t like him. he is offended. not hurt. not upset. it makes him angry. he is charming, intentionally, he is doing a strategy (his words), people complain about him? it comes up in the mistake, too; stacy mentions he always gets great patient reviews and foreman complains it’s because chase is fake as hell. and other times! chase is so polite and friendly to house, he is completely dismissive of foreman. he barely manages a polite front to park and masters, he can’t wait to not talk to them. he’s (affectionately) fake as all fucking hell. i love the scene in s5 where foreman/13/kutner want him to do a surgery and chase is like lol you’re not house fuck off. like he’s so dismissive. chase gets accused of having no backbone all the time, but the fact is, he has no issue sticking up for himself or being dismissive. when he likes someone he will do anything and everything with no complaint (see: house, cameron), but he doesn’t really like most people. foreman sure as hell never gets a single favor from chase, lmao.

and then to flip-flop, that isn’t to say he can’t be genuine or soft. like, he definitely bonds with children almost whenever he sees one. he hugs house with no ulterior motives. it’s also not to say he can’t be an uwu sadboy, although whenever he is depressed he tends to cover it with as much avoidance/sarcasm/sleeping around and drinking as possible. but like! the kid has been through a lot in his life! just the fact that he moved around the world and left everything behind is actually pretty tough! he’s had to take care of himself since he was a kid, he had two abusive parents, if he was to have a sadboy breakdown it sure wouldn’t be because of house. he’s a fucking survivor. he ratted to vogler because he would rather house hated him than be unemployed, and had no regrets. he’s great and i love him and he deserves it every time he gets punched in the face or called useless

[key-rk]

Have you ever thought of exploring Drake & LP’s friendship beyond their work of being hero & sidekick?

Mmmm, Personally, I don't think it would change much if they're working or not, since Launchpad tends to be pretty true to himself. Drake not so much, but around Lp, he tends to be quite honest with himself as well. I'm gon ramble a bit about something that bothers me a little when it comes to how the franchise sometimes treats their dynamic. n then go back to the q at the end! (⁠◔⁠‿⁠◔⁠)

One thing I've noticed, and it was incredibly apparent in the new 'Darkwing Duck' comics; was how easily Launchpad is dismissed. In one of the earlier issues (can't remember each one SOZ) Drake states he was going to retire his hero work again and in response to that fact, Launchpad walks out–to find a 'job' elsewhere. Which I think is incredibly absurd. But what's more absurd, is the fact that Drake AND Gosalyn just let him walk out. (DID WE FORGET THE EVENTS OF 'U.F.FOE' OR 'INHERIT THE WIMP'. Gosalyn was so upset by the idea of Launchpad leaving her life, to the point of tears / close to tears.) I just think it's out of character, even if they don't follow the same universe.

The second thing is the episode of 'Dead Duck'. 'Drake dies' and Gosalyn and Lp are left alone. While it isn't explored too much, Gosalyn is now entrusted to Launchpad. Pair that with the fact that that entire episode was Drake's subconscious (unconscious state), it means Drake is actually relying on Lp. He knows something might happen, and he trusts Launchpad to keep his little girl safe. Even if in another episode (?) Launchpad states he'd do just that "take care of Gos as if she were my own" and Drake is hesitant. "Don't give up your day job yet, buddy." Even if he doesn't acknowledge just how important Lp is to him, subconsciously he relies on his friend a lot.

Lastly, it's the episode of 'Time and Punishment', which honestly deserves its own post to ramble about but anyways. Just after Gosalyn disappeared, we were shown Drake in an awful state. Barely doing anything on his own, depressed and grieving. Launchpad stayed and tried hard to distract him (which is a good idea tbh, because a couple times has 'distracting' himself been a way to cope. Especially in this episode.) We also see Launchpad free, roaming amongst the patrolled streets of St. Canard. Which I think is interesting. Darkwarrior has locked away so many people for the most mundane things and yet he allowed Lp to roam free for so long. Subconsciously, at least for a while–he still cared a little for him. Even he, DARKWARRIOR didn't completely throw him away. (I'm a BIT salty about that comic volume😮‍💨)

Anyways.

I think, beyond their hero work, they'd be incredible close. They're a family and that's been expressed a lot. They need each other too. Even if we were to erase the hero/ sidekick job for one second, their characters go beyond that. They both have their desperate need to be needed and wanted, and not to mention how well they bounce off each other. With Lp not taking much to heart and often letting Drake rant and sulk without complaint. Drake needs someone like that. Drake needs someone in his corner to help him out of his little depressive episodes, give advice, to remind him of mundane things like PT meetings. Whereas Launchpad needs to be needed and to help (which was explored). And he would most definitly be needed in a family setting.

They really are a lot more than just Hero/Sidekick. They're family and it's hard to break that bond. The trust in one another is very strong. Drake would keep Launchpad around, raising Gosalyn because he's just as important to her as Drake is. Both characters bring out the best in each other, so I don't think Lp would be quick to leave, nor do I think Drake would be quick to let him go.

uhh yeah

basically, i feel their dynamic would remain the same. If anything, the hero/sidekick thing makes it stronger. Hope this answered it okay, ik I kinda went off and rambled about something semi-related, but I think it was important to point out :)

[writing-for-life]

Let's go choose violence:

3, 8, 9, 25 for The Sandman :3c

Rubs hands gleefully…

3. screenshot or description of the worst take you've seen on tumblr 

Of course not screenshotting as everyone’s entitled to their opinion, so this is just a thing *I* find hard to understand/get my head around:

“Neil Gaiman ran out of ideas, and that’s why he killed off Morpheus.”

I mean, you could say he wanted to conclude his arc, and with that I agree. And thank fuck he did, because if Murphy were still alive, we would need to suffer the horrible takes that DC has foisted upon us ever since. But it is so completely incomprehensible to me when I read that there was no sign that Morpheus would off himself before World’s End or TKO. That it came out of nowhere, that it made the whole thing completely depressing and insufferable and sends a "bad" message. 

It all was right there, from the start. You can’t read "The Sound of her Wings" and not see that he’s absolutely haunted by the narrative, and how much comfort he finds in her. And you don’t need to read the whole thing and then just see it in hindsight (it's something I hear/read quite often). It’s clear as day if you are willing to go down the line of thinking that the Endless aren’t people but concepts. I personally think that’s where people can trip up. And I even get it--of course we want to humanise them because we are human. But they are not. They are mirrors and foils that are supposed to make us think about our own humanity (and we recognise it in them, but that still doesn’t make them human--they just show us human traits and what this mortal coil is about. Carry it and abandon it in equal measures).

8. common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about 

Everyone apart from me of course 😂

"Hob Gadling is any shape or form the personification of hope, and his sole purpose is to (squee! UwU) save Murphy from his bleak existence".

No he ain’t. Hope is Hope, and she is a little girl (blows a raspberry right in your face). If Hob''s anything, he is humanity in a nutshell: ugly, self-serving, opportunist, but also feeling, caring and redeemable. But especially the first part is harder to woobify.

Did I also mention I have this take that making Dream's relationship to Hob all about romance and sex forgets about the importance of friendship, and why it's actually so important for the plot? Plus, that we have a tendency to erase male friendship and hence lean into toxic masculinity if we make every glance and every touch and every close emotional bond about: "Oh, they want to fuck?", and that's decidedly *not* progressive? Yeah, about that... (ship them, it's fine, no problem whatsoever, just be aware it's not the *only* take, and I will stick my neck out now and say: it won't be canon).

9. worst part of canon

That’s a tricky one because I can make sense of pretty much everything to be fair, but if I had to choose, it’s that Morpheus’ failed relationship to Nada created ripples that basically doomed every black woman connected to his arc (not *all* black women, I think that’s actually a misinterpretation, as is that Morpheus is racist, which he conceptually can't be). And as soon as he’s dead, we get token Gwen who isn’t doomed by the narrative anymore. And said Gwen *really* is a token black woman with no true agency of her own—her entire purpose is to serve the redemption of the slave trader. And that Neil actually confirmed this was *intentional* in The Sandman Companion. I get why he made that narrative choice, but to me, it still looks bad. I have hopes though he moved on from that take and we don’t get to see it in the show (the signs are there, so fingers crossed).

25. common fandom complaint that you're sick of hearing

Ties in with 3: That The Sandman should have a different, “more hopeful” ending. 

But quite a few others: 

You *should* write fanfics about XYZ because there’s not enough of it. 

You *should* elevate supporting characters to main characters because they are ABC.

You *shouldn’t* focus so much on the main character because he’s a guy/male-presenting (I mean, he’s the protagonist, so there’s that).

You *should* ship m/m because it makes problematic dynamics less problematic. 

You *shouldn’t* ship m/f because it’s heteronormative. My favourite: Johanna Constantine is bi, you *shouldn’t* ship her with a guy, because again: Heteronormative. Erm, I hate to break it to people (and speaking from experience): That’s how being bi works, and we like m, f and nb equally? And we happen to want sex with m, f and nb? And we pretty much have blinkers on when it comes to falling in love with a *person*, or what we find hot/sexually arousing? And I swear if I read shit like that once more, I’ll get heteronormative out of sheer spite and will smite people.

You *should* or *shouldn't* ship. Both fine. And/but there's certainly more to The Sandman than blorbofication and allosexualisation of everything.

So yeah, pretty much anything that involves a *should*. You can do whatever the fuck you like as long as you don’t lose your ability to critically engage with it. Plus, the space has to be welcoming for everyone, and that’s sometimes hard for creators and people who don’s serve/like the main flavour. And therein lies the problem, because critical engagement doesn’t always happen, and a lot of good stuff disappears in amongst the noise…

[xtruss]

Psychology: This Drug Can Mend a Broken Heart! A New Therapy Promises to Take The Sting Out of Traumatic Memories.

— By Shayla Love | December 14, 2022

On Valentine’s Day in 2016, Anne Lantoine received not flowers, but divorce papers. In the months preceding, she had been preparing for her family’s move from France to Canada—or so she thought. She arrived in Quebec early with one of her three children, who was preparing to start college there, while the other two remained in Europe for school. Her husband stayed behind to manage the sale of their house in Marseille.

Then the realtors began to complain, through a barrage of calls and emails, to Lantoine. Her husband was not acting like a man who wanted his house sold. He wasn’t answering phone calls and was never available for showings. In January 2016, Lantoine called him after yet another complaint from a realtor. The next morning, he sent her an email with a notice for a court hearing, and she discovered her husband had actually filed for divorce, without telling her, months earlier.

That February, she finally got the paperwork, not from her husband, but from her real estate agent. “It was not my last shock,” Lantoine, now 59, recalls. “I also discovered that my husband’s mistress was living in my home.” These revelations were a huge blow practically: It disrupted the immigration paperwork, and Lantoine and her daughter lost their visa applications. But the searing pain was in the betrayal and deceit.

“It doesn’t erase what happened to you. It just changes the impact it has on your life.”

“I became very anxious and had constant nightmares,” she says. “I was tired all the time and had panic attacks each time I opened my mail or my emails, or when I had an unidentified phone call.”

Though the details of each case vary, romantic betrayal through infidelity, abandonment, or emotional manipulation can upend one’s life in an instant. For Lantoine, her future plans, and the person they were attached to, were suddenly gone, and her functioning along with them.

Exhausted and an emotional wreck after almost a year, Lantoine learned about a clinical trial at the Douglas Mental Health University Institute, a Canadian psychiatric hospital in Montreal, that sought to ease the pain of romantic betrayal. The study did not rely on traditional psychotherapy sessions. It claimed it would dampen the emotional reverberations of what happened to her by pairing a beta-blocker medication called propranolol with a series of “memory reactivation sessions.” She signed up.

It sounds like science fiction, or science romantic-fiction. The 2004 movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind often gets brought up, says Michelle Lonergan, now a postdoctoral fellow at the University of Ottawa who led the trial as part of her Ph.D. In the film, a couple, post-breakup, use a service to erase their memories of one another in response to the suffering of heartbreak.

But the experiments that Lantoine enrolled in were an attempt to use a very real feature of the brain—albeit one we’re still learning the ins and outs of—called memory reconsolidation to attenuate agonizing romantic memories.

COMFORTABLY NUMB: When a memory is remembered, or retrieved, it can be momentarily destabilized with a drug therapy, numbing its emotional pain. Image by Max4e Photo/Shutterstock.

“Memory reconsolidation” describes how, when we recall a memory, it can become pliable. There is hope—and some intriguing early data—that, at the moment of recollection, we might be able to intentionally change a memory and make it less burdensome. This ability to modulate distressing memories is being investigated as an intervention to treat post-traumatic stress disorder,1 addiction,2 phobias,3 and is thought to have promise for depression or anxiety more broadly. It rests on an idea that’s emerged from our understanding of memory over the past few decades: Memories are not fixed, even the ones that haunt us the most.

Described this year in the Journal of Affective Disorders, the study Lantoine enrolled in is the first application of a memory reconsolidation-focused treatment for adjustment disorder resulting from romantic betrayal.4 (Adjustment disorder is defined as an emotional and behavioral maladaptive reaction to a stressful event, but not a life threatening one, so it doesn’t meet criteria for PTSD.)

Unlike Eternal Sunshine, Lantoine’s memories didn’t vanish in a dramatic collapse of a beach house into the Montauk coastline. She still had the declarative memory of what had happened.5 But, as Lantoine describes it, the memories were no longer debilitating.

“The treatment doesn’t remove the remembrance of the events,” Lantoine says. “It just removes the pain that was associated with the events. It doesn’t erase what happened to you. It just changes the impact it has on your life.”

When a memory initially forms, or is consolidated, it relies on chemical interactions between neurons in our brain. When a memory is remembered, or retrieved, it can be momentarily destabilized while those same chemical processes reconsolidate the memory.

“We feel that our memories, whether they’re conscious or unconscious memories that influence our behavior, are fixed and rooted in fact,” says Joff Lee, a professor of memory neuroscience at the University of Birmingham who was not involved in the trial. “But actually, pretty much everything that we know about memory suggests that these memories are malleable, and they change for potentially good reasons.”

When presented with new information, it’s helpful for our memories to be able to update so that we can learn and adapt to our surroundings. By hijacking this feature, researchers have shown in animal models that when memories become labile, it’s possible to intervene.

“Visualize A Monster, With Big Long Claws, Digging Deep Into Your Heart, Ripping Your Heart Out While You Are Still Breathing.”

More than 50 years ago, scientists found they could induce something called “post-retrieval amnesia.”6 Rats could forget a fear response if given an electroconvulsive shock at just the right time to interrupt the reconsolidation of that memory. The study was one of the first to challenge the idea that memories, once formed, were unchanging. There are now dozens of animal studies that show that when drugs are given to block the molecules needed for memory consolidation, memories seem to vanish, even when those memories aren’t new.7

It soon became clear that memory reconsolidation could be a powerful therapeutic tool. But the methods used in animal studies to interfere with reconsolidating were often harmful to humans. Enter propranolol: a common beta blocker used for lowering blood pressure as well as for treating anxiety and preventing migraines. Propranolol impairs adrenaline hormones in the brain and is thought to impact the production of other molecules needed for memory reconsolidation.

Starting in the early 2000s, researchers showed that, in rats, the drug could have similar post-retrieval effects as the more toxic compounds. And in 2009, researchers found that propranolol could help people disengage from a learned fear response.8 In this study, scientists showed human participants images of spiders, paired with an electric shock. One day later, some were given propranolol and others a placebo. On the third day, when participants saw the same images, those who had received the placebo noticeably startled, a physical manifestation of the fear response usually paired with a negative emotional state. But those who had been given the propranolol no longer had that reaction. These participants could still remember what had happened to them; propranolol didn’t erase the facts. But they no longer exhibited the biological signs of being afraid.

Researchers soon began applying these findings to try to treat severe conditions, such as PTSD. Alain Brunet, a psychologist and researcher at the Douglas Institute and McGill University, and senior author of study Lantoine participated in, described in a 2018 paper that people with PTSD who took propranolol and received six 25-minute trauma reactivation sessions had fewer PTSD symptoms compared to a group that underwent the same sessions paired with a placebo. (He has even trademarked “Reconsolidation Therapy,” and the “Brunet Method,” which describe the protocol of pairing propranolol with memory retrieval sessions.)

Brunet has long felt that reconsolidation therapy could have wider appeal. “We wanted to broaden the uses of reconsolidation therapy,” Brunet says. So he and his team went looking for people suffering from an unfortunately common adjustment disorder—that spurred by romantic betrayal.

Anne Lantoine was of course not alone in suffering heartbreak in Quebec. Brunet and Lonergan recruited 61 people in total who were cheated on, abandoned, wiped out financially, “all kinds of horrendous stories,” Lonergan says.

The participants described being unable to sleep, gaining or losing weight, starting smoking, losing their hair, and suffering from nosebleeds. “It hurts everywhere!” as one 44-year-old woman described in a follow-up qualitative paper from the research team.9 “Your throat hurts. You can’t breathe. When you think about it you hurt … You have these really graphic images, and you can’t block them, there’s nothing you can do. It’s in your face all the time.” A 44-year-old man described his intrusive thoughts replaying “like a movie all the time.”

Being reminded of their former partners was especially distressing, like the anniversaries of when they discovered they were being cheated on, seeing photos of them online, or even seeing people who walked or talked like their former partners.

Even If We Can Change Memories, Should We?

“When I really knew that he had betrayed me, the pain, and the torture it was like I had been cut off at my knees … if you want to visualize you know like some sort of monster, with big long claws, and just digging deep into your heart, ripping your heart out while you are still breathing and alive and very conscious, and taking a bite out of your heart right in front of your face, that’s what it feels like,” a 50-year-old woman said.

In the trial, there was first a four-week waiting period when no one got any treatment. This limbo served as the control condition against which to compare the treatment. Then each person wrote a narrative of their betrayal, in as much detail as possible. In five memory reactivation sessions, they read their own descriptions one hour after taking propranolol. Compared to the waiting-period, the researchers found there was an overall significant reduction in symptoms, including intrusive thoughts, avoidance, and hypervigilance, as well as a decrease in anxiety and depression, starting after the first session. Up to four months later, those benefits remained.

“They were really in trouble,” Lonergan says. “And so we offered them treatment. And luckily, for a good chunk of them, it really seemed to work.”

The memory reconsolidation theory tells a tidy story about how practitioners might be able to help people, at least emotionally, rewrite their narratives. But does it tell the full story?

Lonergan acknowledges that there might be other factors at play. For example, the empathetic support in the retrieval sessions could have played a role in participants’ improvements, and she hopes to do future work on Adjustment Disorder and romantic betrayal with a full placebo group, the way the PTSD trial ran.

Lee thinks we should also have some humility about which mechanisms these therapies might be tapping into. Memory reconsolidation is likely a complex process that co-occurs with many other cognitive and neurobiological systems.

If Just The Facts of a Memory Remain, Can We Really Say It’s The Same?

This is underscored by the fact that results of reconsolidation therapies have not always been consistent.10, 11 Several studies have failed to replicate,7 and some even found reconsolidation attempts can lead to adverse events.12, 13 A randomized, double-blind placebo-controlled study in smokers from 2015 didn’t find any effect on physical reaction after being given a dose of propranolol.14 Three other placebo-controlled studies in people with PTSD also didn’t show any reduced symptoms.15

There could be rules and caveats to using memory reconsolidation as an effective tool that we simply don’t understand yet. Other research into memory reconsolidation has found, for example, that updating an existing memory is most effective when the brain gets just enough new information, such as a new stimulus in place of an old one that had triggered fear or loathing.16, 17 If the new information introduced is too strong, a brand new memory might be created instead of an alteration to the older memory, and the two memories will compete. “Those are all technical things that people are still figuring out,” Lonergan says.

Nevertheless, given its promise, attempting to use memory reconsolidation in therapeutic interventions seems obvious to Brunet. If we know that sometimes memories are malleable, why wouldn’t we try to target that, he says?

But Even If We Can Change Memories, Should We?

Memory researchers Tom Beckers and Merel Kindt raised this point in a 2017 review.7 “Concerns have been voiced as to how desirable of a therapeutic goal it is to make people forget about significant events that have happened in their personal lives and that may play a central role in defining who they are,” they wrote.

Is it okay if just emotional parts of memory are being stripped away, as long as the declarative elements remain?

In his 19th-century essay, “What Is an Emotion,” psychologist William James challenges us to try to imagine an experience of emotion, like anger, without the elements of a racing heart or flushed face. If just the facts of a memory remain, can we really say it’s the same, once it’s been neutered of its emotionality?

But that’s somewhat the point, Lonergan says. The people in the study were not able to move on or find peace after what happened to them. Emotional memories are not sequestered to the mind. These individuals needed the intensity of the emotions dialed down so that they could sleep, eat, and resume normal day to day functioning. “We’re not specifically targeting and removing them from people’s brains—they still remember what happened,” she says. “But instead of being a traumatic memory, it’s just a bad memory.”

Further, our ability to update and modify our memory is built into us—whether aided by a drug or not. Other forms of psychotherapy similarly seek to change our relationship to and framing of our memories. The goal of a targeted, pharmaceutical intervention would be to achieve that result by way of going after the memory directly.

Lantoine says, five years out, she still feels the positive effects from the treatment. It was an improvement that came after about the third reactivation session. The daily torment she had felt receded into the background.

“It’s like a chronic pain you get rid of,” she says. “A bit like the scars I have on my knee and on my hip: I can see them, I remember I got them after painful surgeries. I remember I felt this pain. But they are not painful anymore. Those events have left scars in my brain,” she says of her experience of betrayal. “It’s impossible to forget what happened and to erase those scars. But they don’t hurt.”

— Shayla Love is a Freelance Science Journalist based in Brooklyn, NY. Lead image: Graphics Master / Shutterstock

References:

1. Brunet, A., et al. Trauma reactivation plus propranolol is associated with durably low physiological responding during subsequent script-driven traumatic imagery. Canadian Journal of Psychiatry 59, 228-232 (2014).

2. Exton-MCGuinness, M.T.J. & Milton, A.L. Reconsolidation blockade for the treatment of addiction: challenges, new targets and opportunities. Learning & Memory 25, 492-500 (2018).

3. Maples-Keller, J.L., et al. Targeting memory reconsolidation to prevent the return of fear in patients with fear of flying. Depression and Anxiety 34, 610-620 (2017).

4. Lonergan, M., Saumier, D., Pigeon, S, Etienne, P.E., & Brunet, A. Treatment of adjustment disorder stemming from romantic betrayal using memory reactivation under propranolol: A open-label interrupted time series trial. Journal of Affective Disorders 317, 98-106 (2022).

5. Otis, J.M., Werner, C.T., & Mueller, D. Noradrenergic regulation of fear and drug-associated memory reconsolidation. Neuropsychopharmacology 40, 793-803 (2015).

6. Misanin, J.R., Miller, R.R., & Lewis, D.J. Retrograde amnesia produced by electroconvulsive shock after reactivation of a consolidated memory trace. Science 160, 554-555 (1968).

7. Beckers, T. & Kindt, M. Memory reconsolidation interference as an emerging treatment for emotional disorders: Strengths, limitations, challenges and opportunities. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology 13, 99-121 (2017).

8. Kindt, M., Soeter, M., & Vervliet, B. Beyond extinction: erasing human fear responses and preventing the return of fear. Nature Neuroscience 3, 256-258 (2009).

9. Lonergan, M., Brunet, A., Rivest-Beauregard, M., & Groleau, D. Is romantic partner betrayal a form of traumatic experience? A qualitative study. Stress & Health 37, 19-31 (2021).

10. Drexler, S.M., et al. Effects of postretrieval-extinction learning on return of contextually controlled cued fear. Behavioral Neuroscience 128, 474-481 (2014).

11. Hutton-Bedbrook, K. & McNally, G.P. The promises and pitfalls of retrieval-extinction procedures in preventing relapse to drug seeking. Frontiers in Psychiatry 4 (2013).

12. Kindt, M. & Soeter, M. Reconsolidation in a human fear conditioning study: a test of extinction as updating mechanism. Biological Psychology 92, 43-50 (2013).

13. Soeter, M. & Kindt, M. Disrupting reconsolidation: pharmacological and behavioral manipulations. Learning & Memory 18, 357-366 (2011).

14. Pachas, G.N., et al. Single dose propranolol does not affect physiologic or emotional reactivity to smoking cues. Psychopharmacology 232, 1619-1628 (2014).

15. Wood, N.E., et al. Pharmacological blockade of memory reconsolidation in posttraumatic stress disorder: three negative psychophysiological studies. Psychiatry Research 225, 31-39 (2015).

16. Chen, W., et al. Destabilizing different strengths of fear memories requires different degrees of prediction arrow during retrieval. Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience 14, 598924 (2021).

17. Sinclair, A.H. & Barense, M.D. Prediction error and memory reactivation: How incomplete reminders drive reconsolidation. Trends in Neuroscience 42, 727-739 (2019).

[ruki--mukami]

From the moment Yui entered your room late at night, you knew something seemed off about her. It wasn't like her to become this brazen overnight. Intrigued, you were going to give a remark but was suddenly interrupted when Yui jumped into your arms and shoved her face into your chest. Taken back by what has just happened, you feel wet spots on your chest.

"I miss him," cried Yui as she spelt out those three words almost in a whisper. "My father."

“Don’t cry, Yui. I understand the loss of a parent can destroy you instantly, starting from the inside until finally you can no longer contain yourself. The relationship you once shared with your father had both its morose and joyous moments, I’m certain, but remember how the two of us met. It was all thanks to your father’s absence in the first place,” slowly he welcomed her into his arms. “In other words, what I’m trying to say is that sometimes we must separate from our family to grow as people. Humans live on finite time, that is simply a realization with which we must learn to agree and cope. If he truly cared for you as often as you claim he did, then he would hate to see you shed tears over his passing.”

Stifled sobs, lachrymal stains upon the silk of his shirt, champagne curls messily entangled with the Vampire’s fingers, Ruki reciprocated her embrace with cathartic circles caressed into the small of her back, exhaling deeply as accursed memories resurfaced. Dire circumstances poisoned his mind, from his father pushed off the precipice of depression and his mother who long fled. For Yui’s sake, he threw that tragedy to the wind. Bodies melded together like a rose apricating in the sun’s warm wake, usually he would have considered a human weeping in his arms nothing more than a thorn in his side, stinging with trauma immemorial. However, he likened Yui to someone beyond a mere human, someone beyond a beloved one. A sweet seraph, illuminating the dark with her hope, it pained Ruki to genuinely see her overwhelmed with bereavement. Planting a cold palm against her florid pallor, the Vampire gazed intently into her refulgent rubellites teemed with the pearls of sorrow.

“You are my one and only Eve. Or at least, you were. Now you’re the Yui I’ve come to cherish. The Yui I’m eternally grateful who hasn’t experienced a life of solitude; lost and abandoned. Your father may no longer tread this earth but if it’s any consolation, you’ve found a new family. My brothers and I will always be here for you—especially me. You won’t ever have to be alone again, for I shall continue to love every single part of you.”

Narrowed tempests, countenance encroaching, and lashes fluttered shut like the wings of a bat, Ruki captured her lips with his. A kiss to silence her lugubrious bellows; a kiss to erase the agony; a kiss to swallow her worries whole. With each press, each dilatory cage of his arm snaked around her waist, he didn’t want to lose his mortal lover the way she lost her own parent, as shown by his possessive albeit protective kiss in hopes of comforting her. If he could shoulder the burden, and thus ease her pain, then Ruki would hold her always without complaint. Joining in an intimate union, just like this kiss, if it meant seeing her effulgent smile again.

“I love you, Yui. Come what may, even if the end of time approaches us, we’ll always be together. Whether we are alive, whether we are dead, I intend to meet you in every realm of existence possible… because we are inseparable. Sleep here with me tonight if it will make you feel safe. Just know that you can always rely on me, is that understood? Not just as your master, but as your family. And I don’t mean in the kindred sense of it… I intend to start our own family together with you someday. As husband and wife. So until that day comes, don’t cry, Yui.”

[padme-amitabha]

The only reason why your shitty films (the prequels) are even well liked today is CLONE WARS that’s why Hayden came back because anakin was finally a loved character because of CLONE WARS and Padme was finally a misogynist free character in the show, every character in the prequels have interchangeable dialogue because it’s boring (except for yoda for obvious reasons) and aside from sidious and obi wan rots is a overrated film, like I said tcw saved the prequels and tcw>pt and ashoka>padme☺️☺️☺️

Awww this must be your lucky day that I'm bothering to answer this instead of blocking you straight away like I should. People like you are the reason child actors are bullied and creators are forced to sell their stories.

The only reason why your shitty films (the prequels) are even well liked today is CLONE WARS

Because there are so many people like you who don't have the brains to understand what a movie is conveying and the style OR theme of the original films. But forget all that because YOU like to see the characters in someone else's story the way you want them to be, right? Quantity is not ✨quality✨ .

that’s why Hayden came back because anakin was finally a loved character because of CLONE WARS

Is that why you TCW stans erased the character he played? And prefer Matt Lanter as Anakin to the point even his face was used as inspiration for Anakin in some games and Anakin Pop funko. If anything it was erasing Hayden's Anakin in favor of your STEREOTYPICAL smooth, likable "hero". TCW is just fixing complaints about the character. How is it a good story if you have to change original characters based on what some fans think? You got fanfiction for that. Anakin never needed to be loved. GL wanted Vader to be understood. To be loved or liked just means fan service to your personal headcanons about Vader.

and Padme was finally a misogynist free character in the show

Because a woman who wanted to raise a family, didn't feel like living and chose not to but don't let her and rob her of making her own choices am I right? Shame her for making her own choices and prefer killing her by a man? Also, sideline her from being the main character to make space for a younger, more "fun" one. Portray her as jealous and petty and more open to entertaining men like her exes when she showed no signs of it before? Make her only involved in plots related to her work than showing what she personally likes or taking breaks and living? PEAK feminism. Forcing her to live and ignore her depression and feelings because women can't feel emotions am I right? I feel like it's femininity as a whole you guys hate and just want female characters to be more masculine to be strong.

every character in the prequels have interchangeable dialogue because it’s boring (except for yoda for obvious reasons)

Oops, I think I have seen the way TCW characters act in many MANY shows. Charming, suave, himbo, perfect guy with anger issues? His workaholic, too serious love interest who is so sick of her man? A new character close to the intended audience's age introduced just to be "relatable" who is just too perfect (and initially cartoonishly annoying). Actually, the main characters in TCW are caricatures and stereotypes. They may be LIKABLE to people like you but there's nothing unique about them. They seem more relatable because that's the kind of characters you are used to seeing.

I don't expect you to take the time to read but every prequel character has a unique voice in the prequels, especially in the books. Unlike TCW Anakin, movie Anakin isn't likable because not ALL heroes need to be and also lose duels. He is the Chosen One but he isn't overpowered. He is a hero but he is afraid. He is strong but he gets emotional. He is conflicted, stuck between following orders and wanting to rebel, Padme is stuck between wanting a family and going back to Naboo. Obi-Wan is stuck between wanting to be a brother to Anakin and also a strict Master seeing his struggles. The characters in the prequels are unique and not always likable and there's nothing wrong with that. What's wrong is fans like you wanting a world with overpowered Mary Sues and Gary Stus and wish fulfillment.

Obvious reasons? Because we saw him duel? That's all what SW is about to you, isn't it? Poor Geoge wasting so much time with research and effort when all he had to do was release some games so you guys can enjoy DUELS and badassness.

and aside from sidious and obi wan rots is a overrated film like I said tcw saved the prequels and tcw>pt and ashoka>padme☺️☺️☺️

"For obvious reasons" I can see why you would fail to notice every single detail of the film and the depth and how it faithfully follows the other sw movies.

Yes, a fourteen year old character who is just the female version of the main character in terms of personality is much better than a flawed, complex woman inspired by historical works and mythological figures. Are you sure you wouldn't rather be reading fanfiction with OCs instead?

TCW DID save the prequels for people like you. It was made to dumb down the story so younger audiences AND people like you can understand and appreciate the story. 😊

Please stop sending opinions to blogs that don't share your opinion. You got your own space for that. I mean what was the point of this? So we would change our opinions based on what YOU think? I think we can all think for ourselves. Adios.

[thatfanficstuff]

My Alpha (Part 2) - Winchester Bros x Reader

Grouping: Alpha!Sam x Omega!Reader x Alpha!Dean

Warnings: smut adjacent, public foreplay, a/b/o dynamics

A/N: It only took a year, but here. There won't be a part 3. I don't think I'm up to writing a/b/o smut yet.

***

Once you left the bunker, it didn’t take long for you to realize that you had nowhere to go. You couldn’t run back to your father though there was nothing else you’d rather do at the moment. It was the first place the brothers would look for you. Not only that but you so did not want to have the conversation you’d need to have to explain to your father what had happened and why you were back. Last he knew you were off to live your happily ever after with Sam.

All the friends you could think of to crash with were also friends with the boys. There was no guarantee anyone you contacted wouldn’t immediately call one of them. You would be hard pressed to find anyone willing to choose you over the Winchesters. No one in your world went against the alphas if they could help it.

So, you just picked a direction and started to drive. When you grew tired of trying to see the road through your tears, you pulled over at some crappy hotel. You’d curled up on the uncomfortable bed and slept for hours. Now, you were hungry and depressed so you walked to the bar next door that served greasy pub food. A plate full of chicken strips and fries later and you were on your second rum and coke. You wondered how much you’d have to drink to forget about the pang in your chest.

“Where’s your alpha, pretty little omega?” a gruff voice asked.

You didn’t even bother glancing over. “I’m not interested.”

His rested his meaty hands on the table so he could lean closer, probably used to using his size to intimidate. Also probably used to weak little omegas that it would work on. “That’s not what I asked, sweetheart.”

You sniffed the air and curled your lip at his odor. He smelled sour, like rotten milk and underneath it was the unmistakable scent of beta. Figured. Another alpha would be less likely to ignore Sam’s mark on your skin.

You ran your tongue over your teeth as you finally looked at the man towering over you. He might have been handsome had he taken five seconds for some basic grooming. As it was, you weren’t impressed. Though, it would take a lot to turn your head after the Winchesters. The thought of them was enough to make you sigh and erase the small amount of patience you still possessed. You didn’t want to deal with this asshole. You just wanted to be left alone with your alcohol.

“Look. I’ve had a bad fucking week. My alpha is none of your goddamn business. I’m asking you nicely to leave me the fuck alone.” You kept your gaze locked on his until he pushed away from the table and waved a hand at you in dismissal.

“Take it easy, honey. You aren’t that special. I’m just trying to get laid.”

You rolled your eyes and put your attention back on your glass as he walked off. It wasn’t even five minutes later that someone slid onto the bench across from you in your booth. You sighed again. “Listen, I’m really not…” Your words trailed off as you lifted your head to see your favorite pair of bright green eyes. The heady scent of your true mate flowed over you and you barely resisted the urge to just melt into a puddle where you sat. Dean gave you a crooked smile that didn’t even come close to reaching his eyes. No, he was pissed.

His tongue darted out to lick his lips. “Y/N.” That rough voice saying your name ran through you and you bit your lip as instant desire had slick leaking out of you. Your alpha’s nostrils flared and his gaze darkened making your heart race.

No. You couldn’t do this. Dean may have come after you, but you still weren’t willing to tear the brothers’ relationship apart. You tore your gaze from his to survey the bar. No sign of Sam. That didn’t mean he wasn’t waiting in the parking lot for you, but it gave you a chance to get out of here. “I can’t do this, Dean. I’m sorry.”

You slid out of the booth only to have your upper arm grasped in a large hand. Sam. He must have been standing where you couldn’t easily see him. Instead of directing you back into your seat, he steered you to the other side of the booth and pushed you in next to Dean who slid over against the wall. Sam then slid in right behind you until you were secured between the alphas.

The table top suddenly became very interesting as their eyes locked on you. “What were you thinking?” Sam finally hissed. “Do you know how dangerous it is for you to leave like that? What if something happened to you? What were we supposed to do?”

You tried to stave off the tears creeping up. Sam never yelled at you, was never angry at you before all of this. You’d made him miserable. You were a horrible omega. “I’m sorry.” Your voice cracked and you hated it. “I just…I don’t know what to do.”

Dean shifted in the seat beside you and laid his hand on your thigh. His warmth calmed you some. He ran so much hotter than you. But as much as you yearned for his touch, Sam was on the other side of you. It was his mark you wore. This wasn’t right. Before you could say anything to Dean, Sam did the same thing on the other side of you. You froze, at a complete loss as to what was going on.

“Y/N.” The elder Winchester said your name softly, a tone you weren’t used to hearing from him. You shook your head just needing a moment to process, but Dean wasn’t about to give it to you. “Look at me, Omega.”

His alpha tone called to you, made him almost impossible to ignore. It wasn’t until Sam squeezed your leg in gentle reassurance that you allowed yourself to obey his brother. Dean ran his eyes over your face and gave you that lopsided smile that you loved. He traced the side of your face with a finger and your eyes slipped closed. “I’m sorry, princess. I should have discussed the situation with Sam without putting you in the middle. I let my jealousy get the better of me.”

You’d opened your eyes halfway through his apology and now studied him with a furrowed brow. “Why are you apologizing to me, Dean? As long as you and Sam patch things up, I don’t matter.”

His gaze darted past you to look at his brother and then came back to you. His smirk widened. “Well, obviously I’m a piss poor alpha if that’s what you think, Omega, because you are the only thing that matters.”

Before you could think of arguing, Dean’s hold on your thigh tightened. He slid his hand up until his fingers pressed against the seam of your jeans. You sucked in a breath only to release a little whimper when he put more pressure against you. “De—”

Your complaints were cut off as a hand grabbed your chin to turn your head the other direction. Warm, familiar lips claimed yours and your hands moved up to hold Sam’s head to yours. Your fingers tangled in his hair as his tongue swept into your mouth. The rhythm he set perfectly matched the one his brother rubbed against your core. Your hips rocked through no conscious decision of your own.

Finally, you pulled back just far enough to take a shaky breath. Sam cupped a hand around the back of your head and pulled you forward to rest against his shoulder. “We need to get her out of here. Too many people can smell our omega,” he all but growled.

Dean’s hand moved back down your thigh as he leaned forward and nipped at your neck on the opposite side from Sam’s mark. “Can’t wait to get you home,” he said. His lips brushed your skin as he spoke and a tremor shot down your spine.

You turned your head so you could see both of your alphas and bit your lip. “I have a room next door.”

They chuckled. “Impatient?” Dean teased.

“I can wait if you can,” you answered with an arched brow.

Sam leaned down and trailed a line of kisses along the line of your neck until he reached your mark. He kissed it and you couldn’t completely contain the moan that followed the action. “What’s your room number, sweetheart?”

[picnic-table-writing]

The Kaleidoscope of Political Depression

Staring vacantly at the clinical white walls of Dr. Cottril’s office, an emptiness blankets itself over everything. Like a damp sheet fresh from the dryer, not dry enough to keep you warm but not wet enough to warrant another tumble. She repeats the question back to me, aware of my obvious dissociation in trying to come up with an adequate response.

“But how does it make you feel” she repeats.

“You seem to complain frequently about the stifling nature of growing up in Canada, but I want to understand what about this country feels so suffocating?”

I take a moment to collect myself. It is almost a cliché of mine at this point to blame all my problems on the neo-liberal, late-stage capitalist, imperial, settler-colonial hegemony of 21st century Canada (a string of buzzwords I frequently strew together to invoke some sort of reaction from anyone who will listen). My parents see these complaints as just my brash undergraduate education rearing its ugly head. My sister sees it as a manner of escaping my own insecurities, blaming my personal mistakes on the larger system. “A nation-wide scapegoat,” she says.

“It feels like we are just set up since the day we are born, to be made so small that we eventually just allow this smallness to swallow us whole” I finally utter. “I mean it makes sense though, Canada is a nation whose entire human history has been near erased by the expansive colonial agenda. The only dominant history that remains is the one constructed by a capitalist narrative. Unlike countries with immortalised history, nations which have a record of their different forms of organisation, Canada erased everything.” Just uttering these words makes my palms begin to sweat.

I am quickly reminded of the fragility of my own discontent. How unlikely it is for things to change. I am reminded that Canada has been this way since its foundation and that the current state of climate breakdown is only the result of this system of inequality.

“Thank you for your honesty,” Dr. Cottril responds calmly. “I want to remind you that these feelings are not unique to you or your positionality. You are certainly not alone in feeling this way. I would say you are describing what is perhaps the consequences of a severe case of political depression”

Political depression? I ask myself. What on earth is political depression? I have never heard these two terms strung together before nor can I image the implications this combination of terms would mean to my psyche.

“As defined by Dr. Ann Cvetkovich, Political Depression is the feeling that systems of political action and critical analysis are no longer functioning to improve society or make us any happier. By examining where your depression and sense of ennui may stem from, it’s possible to create a more precise treatment plan that extends beyond typical medical intervention. Cvetkovich sees the current epidemic of depression not as a strictly chemical reaction in one’s brain, but as a symptom of the larger social and cultural inequalities ravaging the planet like racism, colonialism, homophobia, and capitalism. See, I don’t think your depression is entirely genetic or can be treated solely with talk therapy or medication, what your mind is reacting to is the need for social change.”

I sit with her comment, letting her words wash over me and soak into my past. Political depression: a feeling of helplessness and exhaustion in the face of social subjugation. Immediately, I think of Kant’s theory of the sublime. I think of how small it makes me feel to live in a world so grandiose and flagrant in its corruption and hostility. Yet where the beauty of the sublime should reside, I am instead confronted with fear and a sense of worry about where all this destruction will leave humanity. I find myself completely detached, unable to comprehend how to find art, poetry, or beauty in the outcome of our colonial past and capitalist future.

“How can I treat it? Political Depression?” I utter, eyes locked on the floor.

Dr. Cottril asks when I began to feel this way. Says the origin of these feelings will tell us where the best treatment lies. I respond that it was when I could no longer write. I had grown up with an active imagination, spending endless summer afternoons daydreaming along rocky shorelines, creating stories about magical forest nymphs and other creatures only my mind could conjure up. I remember seeing the world as a vast kaleidoscope, endless in its possibilities and combinations, ready for a new generation to discover all the wonderous symmetries and patterns that could be spun.

It was on these very same shorelines my fantasies came crumbling down. The Kaleidoscope stopped spinning. I remember the west side of White Rock beach, just past the train tracks where the landscape begins to curve, obscuring Salt Spring Island behind its towering trees. For the first time I feel my daydreams be punctured by the low rumble of churning engines and the stench of raw coal.

I spin the colours at random and discover anxiety. These trains which have rumbled my communities’ shorelines, sending ripples across our gentle bay, was killing us. Slowly but surreptitiously. I returned home distraught, crawled into my childhood bed, let the blankets crush me into the nothingness I felt on the inside. I wanted to scream but had no sounds to make. I wanted to cry but masculinity grabbed at my throat. The kaleidoscope became jammed in this pattern, unable to spin again. I tucked it away at the bottom of my junk drawer. Every once and a while, sunlight glimmers through and it shines once more. Coal trains are heavier than they look, harder to remove than a Prime Minister, especially when they come from America.

Why this impacted my writing, I’ll never know. Suddenly the words stopped coming to me. I left my journal under a duvet of dust for 5 years, only opened once again to document why I could no longer write for my future self to bring up in therapy. Like I am doing today.

I tell her this is what capitalism feels like. It’s the jammed kaleidoscope that keeps on shinning. The day you can no longer write. When self-expression becomes commodified, every move we make a form of productivity, all that survives is the dust covered journals of those who suffered before us. We study them. Name them the western cannon. If Ocean Vuong is right, and writing is a political act, I write to survive political depression. To cope with our politics in the hope that someone somewhere will read my words and find comfort in company.

“Then start writing again.” Dr. Cottril responds. “Write for yourself and no one else. Don’t just write about your emotions and feelings, but write stories, fables, tall-tales and fantasies! Revolution begins with a pen and paper. Resistance permeated by bleeding ink.”

Alicia Elliot wrote that her language, her voice, was stolen by both depression and colonialism, but that she doesn’t accept this. She writes as a radical act of self-preservation. Maybe writing in the age of anxiety, climate breakdown, and late-stage capitalism demands revolution of the personal kind. Sanctuary has never been more urgent. Writing becomes liberation in the face of adversity. I leave Dr. Cottril’s office and go to my junk drawer. I smash the kaleidoscope into a million pieces, rebuild something new, something unwritten. I build it to endure, I write us both back into existence.

Sam

[officialleehadan]

Sinning Interview

Hello darlings! Today's story was brought to you by Stella! Thank you so much for all your support! Darling, what an interesting Prompt! I had almost forgotten this series!

Prompt: a continuation of Sinners.

Sinners

Seven Sins

House of Demons

+++

Adam did his best to straighten up and act like he was supposed to be there.

Technically, he supposed he was supposed to be there, but he didn’t feel the part.

He did look the part, at least. Thanks to Lust, Pride, and Envy working him over, each with their specific skill sets. Pride, of course had the money to do whatever she wanted. Presently, what she wanted was to make sure Adam landed a job that paid more than he ever dared to dream of. The yearly salary alone was more than he had made in all the rest of his life combined.

The company was one that Pride invested in, that Envy ran, and that Greed designed. It specialized in acquiring other companies and assets, which suited all of the Sins nicely.

They, however, were not in charge of hiring. Yes, they insisted that Adam got the interview, and they would certainly throw a tantrum if he didn’t get the job, but even so. It was up to him to get the job itself.

And this wasn’t a traditional interview.

“Miss Browning,” he said when the woman he was supposed to meet stepped off the elevator. She dressed nearly as well as Pride did, and walked confidently in heels that were so high she was nearly the same height as him. Her jewelry was simple, professional, and designer. Adam never would have known the difference a month ago, but that was before Pride and Envy raided Greed’s stash so they could teach him how to speak the complicated language of Brands. “Thank you for meeting with me today.”

“Please, call me Davina. When three of my best clients call me up to tell me about the rising star they’ve found,” Miss Browning said with a smile. Her candy-pink lipstick was flawless against her light skin, and her eyeliner was absolutely perfect. Her hand-shake was the kind of shake a woman cultivated when she wanted to send a warning to every man she met. She was the best of the best, and she wasn’t about to compromise. Adam could respect that. “I take them seriously. Madame Pride had a great deal to say about your ability to spot intriguing investment opportunities. Tell me more about that.”

Apparently, the interview had already started. Sloth warned him about that, in his own way. Well, okay, it was mostly complaints about how some of the others never took a single moment off, and how everyone they worked with was the same way. Adam was glad he had listened. He did his best to kick his brain in gear. Three years of crippling depression couldn’t be erased by a few months of coaching, and he still wasn’t firing on all gears.

“I’m an every-man,” he said to Davina and hoped she hadn’t noticed the way his hand clenched on his briefcase handle. “That’s how I met Madame Pride originally. We had an interesting discussion about a mutual interest shared by another of her associates.”

“Which one?” Davina asked. She held up a hand to direct him down a long, glass-walled hallway, one wall of which looked out on the grand Manhattan skyline from a staggering height. “I’m familiar with all of Madame Pride’s associates.”

“Sloth. We were talking e-sports. Madame Pride happened to join us and was interested in the potential business prospect.”

Wrath had coached him through hits part. Adam never would have thought that Wrath would be so good at interview prep, but it turned out that there was a lot of confidence required for someone who fought as much as Wrath did. Between hi and Lust, who knew how to catch and hold attention, Adam figured he was doing okay. That the discussion had happened after he moved in with the Sins was a topic he didn’t plan to bring up.

Davina, however, was looking at him with a great deal more speculation. Adam tried not to squirm under the weight of her regard.

“You’re the reason we’ve been buying up interest in game studios,” she said thoughtfully. “We haven’t begun seeing profit from those acquisitions, but they’re certainly promising.”

“I’m just a normal guy, with normal interests,” Adam told her, which was honest, but sounded humble. They entered a grand corner office with an even more impressive view than the hallway. “After that, I started talking with Wrath, and we got to talking about personal fitness and he brought Envy into that discussion, along with Greed.”

Rather than sit at the desk, Davina ushered him over to a small sitting area and took a seat, ankles crossed, everything in her posture screaming the kind of authority that Adam wished he had.

“You have an interesting eye for opportunities,” she said when he was seated, and she had pressed a button on the table that brought in a minion, armed with a full coffee service. “I’m sure you know this interview is largely a formality. I can’t easily turn you down with Madame Pride and Master Greed both requesting you by name.”

“I wanted to do it the honest way,” Adam said, which was also true, and hopefully would make him an ally of this powerful woman. Yes, he was the favorite of the owners, but they couldn’t do everything for him. He wasn’t a good enough person to refuse their endorsement, but he was at least going to tryand nail the interview. Even if it was just a formality. “I know I don’t’ have a lot of experience, but the Sins listen to me, and I think we could get a lot done with a… a more human perspective in the mix.”

Davina cracked the first smile he had seen from her that actually looked halfway real, and leaned forward. It did magnificent things to all of her, which was polished like the weapon it was. Adam felt entirely outclassed, but did his best to stand his ground. That, Gluttony told him, was a big part of getting more than your share of anything you wanted.

“I see why the Big Seven like you,” Davina said, calculating and clever. The words gave Adam hope. Maybe he wasn’t doing as badly as he thought he was. “What other ideas do you have for the future of our little acquisitions firm?”

+++

MASTERLIST

+++

[megashadowdragon]

**1.**Punching Gilgamesh the moment you are summoned/enter a fight/enter a room is not reasonable and should not be done at any time -Gudao

1a. Not even when he barges into the Camelot Room and threatens to everyone, especially when he does it to make your female counterpart marry her -Gudao

1b. Apparently PTSD is not a viable excuse to punch someone when you see him harassing someone. Noted.

2. Just because I am a King, does not mean I can give people nicknames. Makes me wonder how Gareth felt about being called Best Boy by Merlin.

3. Eating contests are apparently not allowed, seems food shortages are common with my counterparts.

4. As it turns out, screaming "To Valhalla" is not the best idea when you step onto Iskandar's Chariot. Especially so when you are right in front of the enemy.

5. Frankenstein is not a doll, do not dress her up. No Arthur, not even if she tilts her head and makes cute growls -Gudao 5a. Okay! Only if its a sundress! -Gudao

6. Getting together four of my other counterparts and forming the Saber Rangers is not allowed, especially if we have Excalizords. Seems the other servants aren't fond of needlessly big robots that take too long to combine.

7. Motorbikes are not to be used at any point or time in Chaldea, no, not even when Iskandar decides to hold the "Chaldea Grand Prix" -Da Vinci

7a. THE SAME GOES FOR OTHER VEHICLES YOU MONGRELS, UNLIKE YOU FUCKS, SOME OF US NEED BEAUTY SLEEP AT 3 AM! -Gilgamesh

8. Just because I can use a sword, doesn't mean I am allowed to attack my Cu Chulainn with it. I swear, he walked into it.

9. Apparently I am not allowed to compliment people? Turns out after I left the beach where I hung out with a sweetie named Kiyohime, along with master, Kiyohime attempted to burn someone alive because I said that master looked like a dashing man. I highly doubt she did.

9a. The smell is still stuck to my trunks Arthur -Gudao

10. My liege... My OTHER liege, please don't ever get Red Saber to sing "Total Eclipse of the Heart" again when I am about to utilize Galatine -Gawain

11. We know you are fascinated in other cultures, but please. Stop talking to the Servants of France about Sasaki Kojirou, we don't know if you made up his nickname, but he is not the "Savior of France" - Jeanne D'Arc

12. I would suggest that you stop entering the Camelot Room by screaming "Where is my love! Guinevere!", while it as funny once or twice, I can't stand to see either Lancelots' become depressed anymore -Arturia Altria

13. No offense... But please stop patting my head so much, I know you are basically my Uncle, but people are getting the wrong idea -Mashu

14. While Proto League is an acceptable nickname for the servants of your war, please don't ever enter a fight and scream it out again. We know you enjoy it, but it can get obnoxious after a while - Random Mob 1

15. Proving that I am male by either fighting or pantsing myself is no longer allowed after Heracles decided to do the same thing when a recently summoned Shakespeare made him question his own gender -Da Vinci

15a. Having the entire male team to pants themselves in front of the enemy is not a viable tactic against Archers, no matter what you watched beforehand and despite how fun it is -Robinhood

16. Just because Merlin suggested it, I shouldn't instantly do it. Its odd, almost like no one trusts Merlin, he seems just like my one.

17. "I saw a pest" is not a viable reason to drop a Corrupted Grail into the Babylon Room, we understand your dislike towards the King of Heroes, but Ishtar and Ereshkigal were caught up in the rage.

17a. "I was bored" is not a viable excuse to kiss a female servant while under the effects of Merlin's illusionary spell, Gudao has yet to leave his... specially enduced Coma.

17b. "I saw this scene-" is not a viable reason to go to a prior singularity and ask Muramasa to create a specific weapon, it is time wasting, no matter how strong the weapon is.

18. Suggesting to Rayshift to the point before someone dies is not a good idea, no matter how much fun it is for you to watch the "Crazy Murder Loli" die.

18a. Getting Fou'd is not a good reason to Rayshift back to your fight against Beast VI just so you can "Finish the Fucker Off".

19. Using a voice manipulator made by Merlin is not a good way to get people to be afraid when you shout a noble phantasm.

19a. Shouting "Stella" is not allowed, Arash prematurely shot off his Noble Phantasm while training and now we have to resummon him.

20. Just because we have a Simulation Room, does not mean I can alter the device to allow me to see someone from the past.

20a. We know you miss her, we do too. If you want to speak, you can come talk to us -Proto League

21. Trying to host an "Engry MIYA" talk between Nameless and Alter is not a good idea, just... Don't.

22. While having a Picnic is fun, please don't host them in the middle of a fight.

23. Just because a rabbit killed Gawain in a movie, does not mean you can threaten to cook Fou alive.

24. We know you love kids but come on, you can't just take Nursery Rhyme and Jack out to "Play Fetch" with the Dragons in France every after-noon.

25. Blaming someone that isn't even a servant isn't a viable way to shift blame.

26. I've been banned from the Kitchen, apparently forcing my way in and cooking the meals before Nameless is not a good idea. He looked ready to cry.

26a. Turns out mentioning the fact that Muramasa was far more willing to let me into his kitchen when I visited him was not a good idea. I don't think Nameless likes me much.

26b. "Just because I have the alcohol" is not a good excuse to get a few of the servants including Mashu drunk at dinner.

27. Just because you technically existed before Back to the Future 1 and 2, does not mean you can threaten to sue the creator, even if you can go back in time freely.

28. NO, NEVER DO THAT AGAIN, NOT EVEN IF KIYOHIME ASKS NICELY, WE SHALL NEVER REPEAT THE EVENTS OF YESTERDAY AGAIN.

29. "Look what I found" is a sentence that I am never allowed to speak when I am holding something bigger than my head or smaller than my hands.

30. Turns out that breaking my own arm is not the best way to get Nightingale to calm down. Never thought Merlin would be wrong.

31. "Sure you can touch my Excalibur" is not the best way to differentiate between Arturia's Excalibur and my own when someone asks to hold it.

31a. "But mine is bigger" is not a good response when Arturia talks about how easy her seals are to remove from her Noble Phantasm, nor is it alright to use when talking about when how she made Mordred.

32. Stealing Gilgamesh's potion of youth and putting it in the Soup that EVERYONE ended up eating is the easiest way to have myself barred from missions for a week.

33. Just because people are afraid of it, doesn't mean you should hug it. Not even if Merlin says to.

34. Just because someone stole your food, does not mean you should "Call in a favor" and have Elizabeth sing until someone gives up who stole it

34a. Update: The above applies to Nero as well.

35. Just because I have an innate fear of the Lancer version of my female counterpart, does not mean I can steal her horse and run away because of that fear.

36. Making King Hassan say "Omae wa mou shindeiru" is not allowed, especially if you reply with "I'm already dead" just to mess with him.

37. You are fond of Mordred, we understand. But please stop teasing her. Calling her cute will be her death - KotR

38. We understand that being locked in a single room with Nobunaga can be hard, but saying it was like prison is not fair.

38a. Quoting an abridged anime is not allowed, especially if it has "Sluts" and "Prison" in the same sentence, we still don't know where you got that swim team outfit.

38b. Making a mini Excalibur and saying "Blade of Promised Prison Riots! SHANKCALIBUR" is not allowed at all, Edmond almost had a heart attack.

38c. It is noted that the Arthur and Nobunaga were almost forced to kiss, but utilizing time manipulation to see Romani's death and threaten him with "Spoilers" is not allowed.

39. Just because Merlin asked, does not mean you should dress up as a "Cutesy Idol" and perform a song with a voice changer on in front of a camera for his "Magi*Mari" stream, Romani has yet to heal from that wound.

40. Looking Mordred in the eye and saying "Mordred, I am your father" is not allowed, especially when you have her surrounded by all the versions of her "Father", even the ones that just look like "Him".

41. "I solomly swear I am up to no good" is not what you say while standing behind the Director in the Lost Room, she died once already, we don't need her worrying about what you will do.

41a. "Remember that time you became a Loli" is not to be said around Olga Marie after what happened after she was... Killed.

42. Quoting Kamina from Gurren Lagann is banned, especially after everyone believed you were actually erased from the throne. Only to find you a month later taking off an invisibilty cloak and sneaking into the mens bathrooms to shave.

43. Anime is fun to watch, but please. Stop trying to explain why a certain character would be within the Throne of Heroes.

43a. Stop. Asking. When. I. Will. Summon. ISSEI HYOUDOU! -Gudao

43b. BOOSTED GEAR SCALE MAIL! -Arthur

43c. BOOSTO? -Siegfried

44. Valentines is a wonderful thing, we get it. But making everyone in Chaldea chocolate by going around and hunting in various areas is not needed, we have too much already.

45. Stop Rickrolling, that was so early 2000s, get with the golden times old man -Kintoki

45a. EX-

46. Commenting on the impractical armors of the female knights that walk around is not needed, we have gotten complaints about how they feel harassed -Staff Member

46a. I just wanted to help out... -Arthur

47. I am not to sing anything ever again, the reason isn't because I am bad, no. Everyone agrees I am quite good. But its the genre I sing coupled with my Charisma rank. Seems love songs should not be sung. How sad.

48. Just because I have cat ears, does not mean you should give me Catnip - Atalanta

48a. The same was repeated for Alter.

48b. Along with Tamamo Berserker.

49. "Merlin told me to do it" is no longer an excuse that is accepted, even if he did make you do it.

50. LITERALLY ALL THE THINGS ON THIS LIST ARE BECAUSE OF MERLIN, STOP LISTENING TO HIM.

51. I'm only responsible for a quarter of these, stop blaming me for your troubles, Normies -Merlin

Kiyohime asks Arthur what to do to catch Gudao's attention. Arthur tells her to turn into his most cherished person. She turns into Gudako and tries to force Gudao into sex.

[mxlouloute]

PSA - on CSA and my interpretation of Dolores

putting everything below the cut because I am aware this is pretty heavy. But in light of recent anons and IMs it needs to be addressed.

I’ve recently received some anons stating my interpretation of Lolita is wrong and that I’m misunderstanding the intent of the novel. I will NOT, under ANY circumstances ever write my Dolores as in love with HH or take anything that that unreliable rat bastard pedophile narrator says about Dolores at face value. He’s a liar and per the author of the book you are not supposed to side with HH.

I’ve also had some people approach through my IMs asking to  smut as well as change how I write Dolores. per my rules, despite that I default Dolores as 18 at her youngest, there will be NO SMUT. I’m not comfortable with it, and I’m not comfortable glossing over the purpose of the book. you ask and you will be hardblocked.

As for the complaints on her anxiety, skittishness, and tendency to “180″, I’ve based this on studies I’ve read from reliable sources on PubMed. You are welcome to dig through and read for yourself as i know I will keep coming back and try to stay up to date on what those  journals have to say and apply that to my characterization.

As for why Dolores is all over the place, its because the few studies on age, gender , and societal pressure tend to outline that  men and women handle CSA different from each other. There were higher suicide rates among those 65 and older as of a 2019 retrospective study due to victim-blaming. Women are more likely than men to be hypersexual/ promiscuous as well as have long periods of limited or non-existent sexual activity. Among all genders it was found that they are more likely to participate in sexual activity with strangers than people they know and have a difficult time forming last relationships ( both friend, familial, and work wise). PTSD, anxiety, depression, and high risk behaviors ( thrill seeking, drug, and alcohol use)  are also prevalent in all ages, especially those without a good support system.

I’m not going to erase these things form Dolores. She is not Lolita. Even the book makes it explicitly clear that the only person who even calls her Lolita is her rapist.

I understand that this is a very taboo topic, especially in the late 40s/early 50s.   I’m not going to erase it from her. 

If a blog about  the  exploration in found family, healing through built community,  and overcoming trauma isn’t for you, then please, I implore you to not follow.

[stargazer-balladeer]

“Don’t die on me” [Ace Attorney]

How will they react to you almost killing yourself?

Characters Included: Miles Edgeworth, Franziska von Karma, Sebastian Debeste, Godot, Klavier Gavin, Simon Blackquill & Nahyuta Sahdmadhi + GN! Reader

Note: No one requested this (unfortunately), and since I’m in a Ace Attorney mood, why not?! I love all of them, especially the Prosecutors. Btw, I’m not gonna add the Paynes and Manfred von Karma. I got carried away with this hehez. Hope ya’ll enjoy this!

Reader’s Gender: Neutral

Warning: Spoilers. Mentions of dark theme.

Miles Edgeworth

-This guy doesn’t have any idea that you are depressed, you seem yourself afterall. But he does notice little things from you. How your brow twitch ever so slightly, your smile seems so forces and how dull your eyes are becoming. This made Edgeworth worried about your mental health (it’s not physical since he would know of it). 

-He then decided to talk with you about it. He prepared himself what to say and what will happen, he imagines scenarios playing in his head. But when he opens the door in your bedroom, nothing of his thoughts could compare what he saw in front of him. You holding the knife near your pulse in your hand.

-This guy’s gonna be internally panicking, but you can also see him panicking at the outside. When he sees you cutting, his first instinct is to remove the knife from your hands and drag you to the bathroom to disinfect your cuts. The two of you remained silent, whether not knowing what to say or having a blank mind, I don’t know.

-When he finishes, you were about to say something to him but before you could manage to do that, he pulls you close to his chest and buried his face into the crook of your neck. You froze in surprise but you slowly started to cry as you buried your face into his shoulders, you profusely cried “I’m sorry” over and over again. The two of you once again bask in silence as you continuously say those 2 words in repeat. 

-After that, he would definitely be protective of you. He would be there for you if you need him. He would ask other people, probably Phoenix, about what he should do. Let’s face it, he’s still that awkward Miles Edgeworth we all know and love. He’ll brew some tea for you if you want. 

-He’ll be sure to not let you enter the kitchen any time soon, until all of your insecurities and doubts are erased from your mind. It doesn’t need to be permanent, he knows this, but he’s just making sure you wouldn’t do anything like that anymore. (You gave him a heart-attack when he saw you almost slicing your pulse with a bloodied knife).

-Of course, he’ll ask you that if you want to talk, he’ll be there. When you talk however, he’ll listen. He’ll not interrupt you as he listens you letting it all out, he might panic if you started to cry about it. But not before pulling you into a (somewhat-awkward) hug.

-He’s trying his best, please don’t judge him. ;-;

Franziska von Karma

-Franziska would notice your personality shifting of course, you can’t get away from her trained pair of eyes. She can spot the even smallest of details. But she didn’t think much of it, she probably thinks it’s the time of the month (or in your moods, if you’re neutral or male). She’ll leave it at that.

-But.. oh boy was she wrong. She wants to shoot herself for being such a careless person.

-When she arrives home one day, she notices the house was eerily quiet, too quiet for her liking. She was expecting music since you like blasting loud music (which she receive some complaints about), or you talking over the phone. Whatever works since she knows you were home, but now, it was too quiet. 

-”[Y/N]? Are you here?” Franziska calls but receiving no answer. She decided to go to the bedroom, only to gasp at the sight. It was you, sprawled on the floor with pills on your hand. Franziska panics, she immediately calls the ambulance and her adopted brother. Miles, on the other phone, tries to calm her down and instructs her what to do.

-She first check your pulse, it was still there (much to her relief) but it was faint. She curses at herself, the ambulance was taking too long. When the ambulance to come, she started screaming at them and whipping them. Miles, who drove immediately to her house when he receive’s a call from her (she rarely calls), manages to calm her down and drive her to the hospital.

-She remains silent as she gaze out of the window. She might still have an angry and hard look on her face, but Miles knew better, hidden right behind it is a worried, concerned and crying girl. When they arrive at the hospital, Miles had to manage a angry, frustrated Franziska from lashing out at the terrified nurse. 

-After a while, a doctor told them about your condition. You were in a stable condition, luckily, you didn’t digest much pills than you thought. Franziska whips the doctor to let her enter your room and whips him again in thanks before entering. She would definitely be glued by your side, she isn’t going anywhere until you wake up.

-When you do, expect some lecturing and scolding from her. Miles was there a few moments ago but left since he has work to do. Franzsika then asked what drove you to suicide, then that’s when you broke down and told her. She was now internally panicking as she sees you crying, she doesn’t know what to do. So the only thing she can think of is hugging you, so she did just that.

-When you got discharge from the hospital, be prepared to see your house basically got baby-proof (from a lack of a better term). Franziska locks the medicine cabinet and keeps you away from the kitchen for a long time, until you could get better. If you want to rant about something, she would listen. She knows she can be hard to handle at times, so she’s returning the favor. 

-Like Miles, she’s trying ;-; not their fault that Manfred von Karma raise them up like that.

Sebastian Debeste

-Sebastian wouldn’t notice it right away of course, since he’s busy trying to study for his exams in school. Add to the fact that his mentor, Miles Edgeworth, is giving him assignments and cases to solve (not real ones, don’t worry). He might notice something wrong if it happens. He’s busy, okay? Please don’t be angry at him ;-;

-I think you suicide because you were thinking you were a burden to him and to everyone. You tied a knot on the ceiling as you stood on the stool, hands on the knot. You took a deep breath before jumping, but at the same exact time, the door opened. Your air was suddenly cut off as the knot around your neck started to suffocate you.

-Sebastian gasp at the sight of you hanging yourself. He froze before snapping and running to you. He was already crying (poor bby ;-;), he already lost his father, he can’t lose you too! He frantically looks around to find something to cut the rope, only for his eyes to land on a scissor on the bedside table. He quickly grabs it and cuts the rope.

-He helps you to remove the knot around your neck as he continues to sob. You held your head down as you were ashamed to look at him. The only thing that came out of his mouth is, “W-Why..?” You then burst out crying as you started to spill every insecurity you had.

-He immediately pulls you into a hug as you two continued to sob the night away. After that day, he makes sure he has time for you. He makes sure to be in the same room as you though, he’s still wary about what happened and practically frightened by it (atleast it’s better than being burned alive). His ears are open if you want to talk though, he’s happy to lend a ear to you. He’ll also respect that you think the way you do, but not before reminding you that he loves you the way you are (no. not your suicidal self.)

-He’ll practically move Heaven and Earth for you, figuratively of course. He’ll also be the best Prosecutor there is and provide for the both of you :) This bby boi is trying his best, since his father never showed that he cared for the poor Sebastian. 

Godot

-Godot would definitely notice if you’re acting weird, he’ll immediately drop the question, “Hey kitten, what’s wrong?” If you lie, he would be even more suspicious. He makes sure that he’s always with you from now on, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t trust you, no. He trusts you fully, but he has a bad feeling about it.

-One day though, he left you alone and arrive home very late at night. He immediately knew something was wrong when he notices how dark and quiet your house is. He knows that you wait for him, even the latest of night, you still waited for him. Even though he argues that you should be sleeping. But now, it was strange.

-He tried calling you but when you didn’t answer, it just ignited the worry bubble inside him. He quietly walks upstairs and opens the shared bedroom’s door open, it was empty. This is when Godot is panicking. He hurriedly rush to the bathroom, finding out it wasn’t lock, and swinging it open. This action causes you to be surprise and drop your razor.

-”Kitten..?” The look and voice of his really screams out worry, disbelief, concern, anger and, most of all, fear. The only emotion he doesn’t feel most often. His eyes landed on the cuts on your arm as he stood frozen. “Why...?” He was literally speechless at that moment. 

-Thoughts started pouring in his head, he could’ve prevented this if he payed attention to them enough times, he could’ve prevented this if he didn’t go away, it’s all his fault. Tears of blood started pouring out of his eyes as you panic at the sight. “D-Diego! You’re..!” Godot might seem like a composed person but when it comes to his s/o, he isn’t. He easily breaks his walls down around them, easily making them warm themselves into his heart. This is him, breaking down in front of you, his s/o.

-He immediately engulf you into a hug as he cries. You, dumbfounded at what’s happening, started to cry as well as you two cried together. When you two finished crying, he (somehow) manage himself and grab the first-aid kit from the cabinet. He started treating the cuts with such delicacy, afraid that it might break if he press too hard.

-Godot wants an explanation from you immediately. Once you tell him, he then makes sure that the words, “You can talk to me anytime”, is firmly implanted in your (stubborn) head. He’ll be there if you need him, heck, he’ll force his boss (Edgeworth or not) to let him work-at-home so he can attend your every need. He spoils you rotten after that.

-Godot doesn’t judge though. He knows what its like to have depressed and suicidal thoughts, he’s been there when he found out he lost Mia. He will makes sure you wouldn’t end up like her, whatever it takes.

Klavier Gavin

-Klavier might have an idea on what’s going on with you but still isn’t sure about it, he need something that proves something is wrong with you. I’ll bet that he’ll keep an eye on you for the next following days, trying to prove his theory in mind. Afterall, he might not look like it but he’s very observant of someone’s actions, ever since what happened to his brother.

-All it took is three seconds, three seconds for him to look away and look back to see you gone. He’s full-blown panicking as he dash from the crowd, trying to spot you. You two were about to go see a movie in the cinema but was managed to get block by Klavier’s fan. He took 3 seconds to look at them and look back to you, or rather, from the spot you were in previously. He was pushing everyone out of his way as he tries to find you, it doesn’t help that its raining. (don’t worry, he yells sorry at everyone whom he push past by).

-He manages to find you, but in an unlikely places, doing something he was fearing of. They were standing on the railing and falling forward towards the water from the bridge. Klavier froze a bit but manages to run forward and grab you by your arm. 

-Your eyes snapped open when someone grabbed you, you were about to yell at them but stopped when you saw a familiar-looking worried boyfriend of yours. Your eyes began to blur as tears started to pour from your eyes. Klavier, now seeing your tears, is more determined to pull you up. He started counting one to ten before hoisting you up, which landed you on him and him on his back. 

-”Liebe. Why would you do that?” You then explain to him everything. He’ll listen as you get wet from the rain. After you’re done explaining, he’ll hold you closer to his chest as he hoist you up in a bridal-style and began running towards the direction of your shared house. 

-Be prepared of being pampered by Klavier Gavin, the one and only :) He’ll make sure everything is in place for you and spoiled you rotten, he loves you and he wants to show it to you in anyway possible. He’ll listen if you need to (or just want to) talk, he’ll also recommend you to some specialist (i.e: Therapy Session) but you seem to be content with him.

-HE LOVES YOU :) END OF STORY (and don’t do that to him ever again, you gave this poor man a heart-attack and trauma)

Simon Blackquill

-Simon is perceptive as hell so he knew something is happening with you, and he doesn’t appreciate that you were keeping it to yourself instead of sharing it to him. He might come off as aloof or rude but he cares for people that is close to him and his heart. He got the blame of killing Metis Cykes so that Athena, her daughter, wouldn’t get blamed. He suffered under false charge, and you, not opening up to him, might hurt him and his pride a bit.

-Simon makes sure to always be there for you, he’s practically glued by your side. He notices the smallest details about you, how you started to have bags under your eyes, your eyes growing dull, your smile becoming more forced and how you look tired as the days go by. He knew what was happening with you, but he decided not to question it first. He’ll just catch you doing the act.

-He knows it’s not wise to do that but he doesn’t have much of a choice, even if he asks you, you’ll deny it. So why not just catch you doing it? And he did just that, but nothing could prepare him for the feels he have seeing you almost plunging a knife in your stomach.

-He was standing by the doorway as his tall stature almost blocking the light coming in, only minimal went through but it was enough to see you in the middle with a knife pointing at your stomach. You have cuts all around your arms and legs, you were staring at him wide-eyed. 

-Simon lets out a shaky breath before walking towards you. You immediately cowered before him, the knife being dropped to the ground. Tears started pouring out of your eyes as you started to chant, “I’m sorry” under your breath like saying a prayer. Simon didn’t say anything as he picks up your bloodied self and started going to the bathroom to clean you up. 

-He wouldn’t probably ask why you did it because he doesn’t want to force you yet, but you decided to tell him. He, of course, listened to every word you said as he disinfect all your cuts and wrap it with bandages. After that, he then pulls you into a hug and whisper in your eye, “Let it all out,” “--and the next time you cry, it wouldn’t be for the same reason”. (I imagine him being romantic at heart :) A girl can dream, right?)

-From then on, he became cautious around you. If you wanted to be left alone, alright, but expect him just outside your door. If you want to talk, he’ll listen. If you don’t want to talk though, he’ll let you pet Taka. He’ll practically do everything for you, even break the laws. But he’s also the kind of person who forbids you in the kitchen or around knives unless you’re no longer thinking of killing yourself.

-Like a Samurai though, he’ll cut down all of your doubts, figuratively of course. He loves you so much, he just doesn’t show it since the only way he knows how to convey his love for someone is fighting them (courtesy of his sister, Aura). -_- Please help this boi--- (HAVE YOU SEEN HIM IN HIS 21?! HE’S SO HANDSOME---- *slap*)

Nahyuta Sahdmadhi

-Nahyuta can also see that something is wrong with you and he’ll be direct with you, he’ll straight-up and say, “What’s wrong, butterfly?” He’ll know if you lie, so when you do lie, he’ll frown while tilting his head ever-so-slightly. He doesn’t see a reason to lie to him but he decided to shrug it off, if you say you’re fine (even though you’re clearly not), then you’re fine.

-It isn’t until he came home one day, just arriving after a trial, did he notice something was wrong with the house. He notice how quiet and dark it is in there, he knows how you’re scared of the dark, so why is the lights all turn off? His worry meter is already rising as he set down his things and made his way to the bedroom.

-But it isn’t until he opened the door is when he started to regret taking their word for it. There in the middle is you being hang-up by the rope, the knot is around your neck and your face is turning blue almost too quickly. Nahyuta reacted fast as he grabs the switchblade from his pocket (in case of emergencies of course) and cut the knot from the rope. He then immediately remove the knot around your neck.

-“Are you okay, butterfly? Can you breath properly?” Nahyuta’s question came out instantly, his worry meter is already past its limits. Nahyuta doesn’t want to believe its because of suicide, maybe someone forced you to do that? Yes, that’s it. He’ll be in-denial with what happened until you explained to him that it was indeed what he feared it was.

-Never in your whole life thought Nahyuta would make such a face but it was the most heart-wrenching sight to behold, his face twisted to betrayed, hurt and lost. Why would you take your own life? Was it something he did? Then he needs to apologize at once--

-”It’s not your fault, Nahyuta.” You need to say before he could utter a word, he would be frozen as he listen to you talk about all your fears, insecurities and suicidal thoughts. He never knew that a person is capable to think about those things until now. You can definitely expect Nahyuta breaking down with you.

-He would also definitely pray to Holy Mother, never in his life had he prayed very hard till now. He promises to you that he’ll listen to whatever you say, and be there if you ever needed him. He’ll be damned if this happens once again. Be prepared to go to Khur’ain though, because when he says he’ll bring you everywhere, he’ll bring you everywhere.

-He pretty much never leaves you alone from now on. Good luck with that -w-

[x] Main Page || [x] Prosecutor Page

[random-mha-thoughts]

Name (Todoroki x Reader)

Pairing: Todoroki x fem!Reader

Anon asked: “suggestion for Todoroki angst : he got in an arranged marriage with S/O because of his dad who offered a large amount of money to her family for this. Indeed it’s not what they are both looking for but Todoroki really acts cold, is sharp, openly criticizes her (a bit OOC ik) ... S/O is hurt but is still trying to be a good wife around the house to make the best of the situation and hide her insecurities. It’s just an idea, if it does not inspire you I hope you will find something better!! xx

Genre: Angst. Just...angst. I’m so sorry in advance plz don’t hate me

Warnings: Grab your tissues, this is a long roller coaster that’s only going downhill OH GOD I’M SO SORRY

Word count: 3,059

Tags:  @yuki-osaki​ @liviitehe​ @iamsoftsodonttoucheume-blog​ 

a/n: (Submission 1/3 for my post asking for todo angst ideas!  Thanks for the ask anon!)

Um. This is...depressing.  Really depressing and really intense.  I didn’t expect it would turn out this way.  But it did.  I had 2 other endings, but I instinctively wrote this one.  I actually had to stop and cry for a few minutes because it was just really painful I mean, I know I said I was ready to but I didn’t actually mEAn it

I tried a different style for this, but I think it suits the story well.  It’s 3rd person limited because I wanted you to experience everyone’s feelings in this (gotta maximize on the angst yknow) and half past tense bc of reasons you’ll find out.

God I’m afraid to post this. Is it bad that I love it, I honestly spent so much time writing this, but it hurts sO mUch?? Y’all are gonna hate me, you’re gonna kill me, oh no, just read the thing already, I’m hiding.

Buy me a coffee?

Shoto didn't know how to react to the news.  It's not that he had his eye on anyone in particular, or that he was even interested in marriage for that matter.  But because he proposed it, the man who had spent his entire childhood controlling every aspect of his life, he refused to accept any other intrusions from the man he should call "father."

The strange man across from his father spoke those words so casually.  "So Endeavor, when are these two tying the knot?"

At first, he thought he had misheard or misunderstood.  And then his father responded just as casually, "The date is set for next month."

The normally calm and collected boy almost burst the entire room into flames.  He clenched the silverware so hard his knuckles turned white and his teeth ground together, but he couldn't say anything in front of his father's guest and his daughter for fear of shaming himself.  The girl across from him offered a sympathetic look, but he turned away, already preparing the earful he's going to give his father.

-

"I want nothing to do with this!" he whirled on Endeavor as soon as they were home.  "You've made my life a living hell controlling every single thing!  And now you even want to control my marriage?!"

"I'm doing this for you!" Endeavor bellowed right back.  "For the Todoroki name!  For your future!"

"This is all for you!  I want no part-!"

"If you don't agree, you'll never see your mother or the siblings again."

The calm threat was enough to drench Shoto's wrath into submissive fear.  The flaming monster in front of him proved once again that he hasn't an ounce of sympathy for his blood.  He's learned that family is the only thing keeping his son under his thumb and he still actively exploits that weakness.

All the boy can do is swallow and walk away, retreating to the outside world to escape his bitter reality even temporarily.  Shoto doesn't have outbursts often, but there are times when the straw finally breaks the camel's back, and this is one of them.  All he can do is run until he can't run anymore, reaching somewhere secluded enough where he can burst out in flames and ice without hurting anyone, finally getting to a forest where he can do exactly that and scream to his heart's content.  It's the only thing he can do that is under his own control.

In the month that followed up to the wedding, Shoto barely spoke a word to anyone, choosing to isolate himself.  He only came out when he absolutely had to show his face at functions to the bride's family and look presentable.  His mind was always absent, the time flying in a blur of colors and white.  Thankfully, his father did the preparations, so all he had to do was go along with everything.  Shoto was simply playing a role in a play or movie, he was an actor who deserved an award for being in character for a month.

The night of the wedding, he and his newly-wedded wife were whisked away to their new home, being alone for the first time together.  He didn't even know what she looked like nor did he care.  As soon as they walked through the door of their already-furnished house, he released a heavy breath, brushed past her, unbuttoned his tuxedo, and - cold as his ice quirk - instructed, "I'm going to bed.  Don't come up tonight."  It was the first time he had ever spoken directly to her.

His wife, through this entire ordeal, was patient with him.  She didn't want this arrangement either, but she figured they could at least talk and come to a mutual agreement.  The entire month, she never pushed him to speak to her.  She anticipated that he would be rational about this, as she was told by her family, and that they would be able to talk things over when they were finally alone.  Just as she was going to speak her mind the way she had rehearsed it many times, he dismissed her.  She was hurt, but she understood.  He's exhausted after a whole month of stress and preparations, she rationalized, He just wants to rest.  I wouldn't want to talk to a stranger after all that either.

Resolving to try again tomorrow morning, she undressed (with great difficulty), crept into the master bedroom for her clothes while Shoto showers, retrieved her pajamas quietly, and retreated back to the living room.  The girl searched all the closets for a thick enough blanket and settles down to sleep on a couch, the exhaustion putting her right to sleep.

The next morning, the new Mrs. Todoroki woke up bright and early to make breakfast for her husband as an olive branch.  She toiled away in the kitchen, somewhat making a racket even though she wanted to stay quiet so Shoto can sleep.  Just as she finished setting the table and had to face the question of how to wake him, the boy padded down from the room.

"Oh, morning!" she smiled brightly at him.

He murmured a greeting back only to be polite, his face devoid of any real emotions other than coldness.  He sat as far away from her a possible, thanking her for the meal halfheartedly and digging in without another word.

After waiting a few moments to let him satisfy his hunger, she cleared her throat.  "So, um-"

"Your tamagoyaki needs more soy sauce and butter," he stated bluntly.

She blinked at the harsh comment.  It was shocking he said anything to her at all, and the first thing he said was an insult.

"And the miso has no flavor," he continued in the same tone.

The girl finally gathered her wits.  "I'll do better tomorrow.  Thanks for the feedback, I guess?" she laughed nervously, trying to erase the immense tension Shoto bled into the atmosphere.  When he didn't respond, she tried again.  "I know this isn't something either of us wanted, but that doesn't mean we have to live here like enemies.  We could be friends, or even just roommates!"

"I'd rather be strangers," he interjected harshly.

It felt like a stab in the heart.  Here she was, trying to make their lives somewhat bearable together through their common misfortune, and all he wanted to do was live like ghosts in the same house.

Shoto placed his chopsticks down firmly, glaring her straight in the eyes with the iciest hatred she's ever seen.  "Just to be clear, I want no part of you.  You live your life and I live mine.  You can have the bedroom to sleep at night if you want, but it's mine when I come home to shower and prepare for bed.  We will not sleep, talk, or breathe near each other as long as we are in this house."

She dipped her head in defeat, unable to bear the weight of his stare.  "C-Can we at least have our meals together?" she asked feebly.

It's something he respected, coming from family values no matter how broken.  It's the only exception he made to their less-than relationship.

Months passed and she kept her end of the bargain through a suffocating routine.  At first, the girl was kind, trying to get him to open up to her somehow without overstepping her boundaries.  She made excuses for him constantly.  He's just tired.  The least I can do is leave him alone.  I can't comfort him anyway, I'm a stranger.  He's still upset about the whole thing, he'll come around.  She even begged her boss to let her leave a little early every day to make sure she had ample amount of time to get home, shower, and prepare dinner before Shoto returned.  When he did, he wordlessly showered, sat down to dinner, nitpicked at her cooking, finished eating, and went to sleep on the living room couch, all without even sparing her a glance.

But as every day passed, she grew more weary and worn in her efforts to please him.  She tried to fix every little complaint Shoto had about her cooking or the cleanliness of the house or the laundry, but nothing seemed to satisfy him.  She tried to hold onto the silver lining.  At least he never touched me wrong or took advantage of me, she would think bitterly.  He has the decency not to take his anger out on me.

Then the dark thoughts closed in as he continued ignoring her. Surely, Shoto's only disgusted with his father, he doesn't harbor hatred for her personally.  Then she would remember the hate and disgust in his mismatched eyes the first day of their marriage.  She realized no matter how desperately she tried, he wouldn't show her any signs of warmth or appreciation.  No more did she try to make conversation with him during meals or greet him when he came home.  There were days she thought, Why should I even try?  He wouldn't like it either way.  What's the point of getting up today?  Maybe he'll even criticize how I sleep.  But she still rose out of bed every morning and carried out her routine because it could always be worse.

A sliver of hope came in the form of Shoto's birthday.  The girl figured if she did something just a little special, he would acknowledge her even the tiniest bit.  She spent days beforehand researching and testing out the perfect cold soba recipe because she knew it was his favorite.  She lit some candles on the table and bought a small cake for them to share.

When he came home, she was sure he would notice and say something, but he didn't; he went straight up to the bathroom as he usually did without a word.  Though she felt the glimmer lessen in her heart, she didn't give up.  For the first time in a while, she verbalized her thoughts to him.

"I made your favorite for your birthday!" she chirped as he sat down, setting the plate and a cup of dipping sauce in front of him.  She was so eager for him to try it because she was confident she'd gotten it right this time.  If she were a dog, her tail would've wagged in anticipation as he slurped the noodles into his mouth.  She waited patiently for his feedback, leaning forward in excitement as he swallowed.

"The noodles are slightly overcooked.  And the dipping sauce is too strong, you didn't add enough water."

Her hopes came crashing to a halt.  She couldn't even muster anything else to say as he hastily finished his dinner and rose to leave.

She stood up, heart hammering in her chest.  "What about the cake?"  Anything, something!

"I don't want it."  He turned his back to her.

"I got it for you!"  It was the first time she explicitly stated her intentions, the first time she made herself vulnerable.

"You shouldn't have gotten it at all.  It was a waste of time.  Why did you even try?"  The calm and cold words stung her as he got up and left her in the dining room alone.

His words echoed against the empty walls of the dining room.  She looked down at the cake he disregarded, feeling cold and dizzy.  She took a shaky breath in and out before resting her head on the cold glass table to stabilize herself.  The voice stabs through her even as she closed her eyes to block them out.

It was then she felt bluntly in her mind.  He hates me.  

-

The girl feels nothing but numbing cold, both on her face and inside.  Rolling up to sit, her neck and back cry out in soreness from sleeping on the table, pale light greeting her from the nearby window.  Her face feels strange, and she trudges to the bathroom mirror to check why.  She knows she should be preparing for work, but what's the point?  Her reflection reveals lines across her cheek, probably from sleeping on the edge of the table.  She shuffles to the kitchen because she should probably start breakfast, but why should she?  Leaning against the counter, she can't bring herself to move anywhere.  Her brain buffers as she tries to force herself to think of what to do now.  She doesn't feel sick, but there's a dull, cool feeling in her limbs that she can't face.

The phone rings, catching her off guard.  Glancing at the number, she doesn't hesitate to answer.  "Hello?"

"Hi, baby.  It's me."

Her eyebrows relax, appreciating the sound of a familiar voice.  "Hey, Mom.  What's up?"  She knows her voice sounds weak, she's hoping the woman can't hear it.

"I'm just checking in, you haven't called in a while.  Is something up?  You don't sound good."

"I'm...fine," she stumbles over the word.  "How's dad?"

"He's doing well.  You sure you're not sick, sweetie?"

"I'm not."  She leans her back on the counter.

"Is Shoto there?  How is he?"

And just like that, she feels something dislodge in her throat.  "He's going to work, he probably left early."  She doesn't know, there hasn't been any rustling in the house.

Her mom is silent for a while.  "Tell me the truth.  What happened?"

The sound of her mother's stern voice moves something in her chest.  "It's nothing, I just made a mistake."

"Doing what?"

"I tried making Shoto's favorite dish for his birthday yesterday.  I put so much time and energy into perfecting it for him to enjoy it, but I fell short again."  She laughs bitterly, tears starting to fill her eyes.  "He didn't even want the cake I got for him, he said it was a waste.  I shouldn't have bothered with it."  She blinks and a tear slides down her face.  "I don't know why I was expecting something different to happen, I'm so stupid."

"Honey, where is this coming from?  What's going on?"

She wipes her face, but more spill out of her eyes as she slides down the cabinet onto the cold floor.  "It's just a little frustrating when you're sharing a house with someone you're married to and they barely acknowledge you.  I mean, I expected there to be problems at first given the circumstances, but I didn't expect this."  Her voice shakes with every word.  "God, what did I do to deserve this?  I've lived in this house for 5 months, and never has he even said 'thank you' to me.  Hasn't breathed a word of appreciation to me.  I do so much for him.  I've bent over backwards for him just to make everything done the way he wants it, I've worked my entire routine, my entire life in this house to cater to him, but all he does is complain!"  She sobs into the phone, curling up into a ball as tremors wrack through her body.  "I'm just so tired.  I don't know how much more I can take.  I've made so many excuses for him, but I just can't do anything right.  Why am I even still here?"

Her mother is silent on the other line.  "My baby, if I knew this would happen, I wouldn't have allowed this marriage.  I can't believe you're going through this."

The girl can't formulate words or think anything coherent.  She drops the phone out of her hand, wrapping her legs to her chest as the tremors continue in waves, muffled whimpers the only thing escaping her lips because she's afraid to cry out loud despite being in an empty, lonely house.

-

Shoto heard something he probably shouldn't have, but he definitely needed to hear.  It bothered him for the rest of the day.  It was a sobering slap in the face that made him feel shame and regret, a hard-to-swallow pill that sat in his stomach the entire day.

On his way back home, the sound of her sobs echoes in his mind.  He curses his behavior from the past few months.  At the very least, he made a lady cry, and at the most, he's been a complete asshole.  It's all his fault, that is something he's completely aware of and is ready to take full responsibility for.  All this time, he was stupidly neglecting her out of spite for his father, but he broke her in the process.  He's angry that he had to hear her crying to realize that.  The only thing he can do now is hurry home to profusely apologize for what he's done and hope they can start over new and she forgives him, which he's prepared for her not to do.

Honestly, he deserves all the hate from her that he's shown her.  After everything she's done for him and all the effort she's put into their imbalanced relationship, he wouldn't be surprised if she yelled at him and called him all sorts of names.

Shoto walks through the door, the atmosphere different.  The house is quiet as usual, but it's more eerie than he remembers, as if that means anything with how aloof he was.  He slips into the bedroom and changes quickly, returning back to the quiet dining room where his dinner waits for him at his place.

He tentatively sits and spares a quick glance at the girl who's supposed to be his wife.  Her eyes are still puffy and she's tugging at her sleeves.  It seems she's avoiding him and he was avoiding her before.  He questions how things should start.   When is the right time to speak his piece.  Would she listen to him now?  He decides to take a bite first and chews slowly.  I guess a 'thank you' is a good place to start-

"We're getting a divorce."

He stops suddenly, almost choking.

"You don't owe me anything, and I don't want anything from you."  She isn't looking at him, voice calm and collected.  "Besides, it's better this way since it's what you wanted."  She rises from her seat smoothly.  "I've already packed for the next few nights.  I'll have some workers come in the following weeks to clear out the rest, and the papers will be delivered promptly."  Her footsteps recede from the room.

Shoto turns around to call out to her, and his minds comes up blank.

He never even bothered to remember her name.

~

Sequel?

Sequel!

[izzyphantomgamer]

You made me wait too long [Oikawa]

Oikawa felt depressed.

It was lunch break, a time to relax and unwind from the stress the students received in class. It was supposed to be, but Oikawa felt miserable and Iwaizumi was the receiving end of his complaints. It was hard to brush him off because he was particularly querulous that day. His desire for a peaceful lunch was in pieces, but Oikawa was persistent despite his threat.

“I can’t believe it.” He muttered and hid his face between his hands. He felt embarrassed and stupid. “How could I not see this coming?” He continued to whine, his head now buried between his folded arms on the cafeteria table. Iwaizumi heard his trouble more often than necessary and knew the reason he felt discouraged without the need to ask him the source.

The situation unveiled itself a long time ago. The story began at their elementary school days. [L/N] [F/N] was a transfer student that came in the middle of their third year. She was distant, expressionless and boring, nobody wanted to become her friend. Oikawa and Iwaizumi never paid much attention to her until the day their academic results were announced. The two boys were diligent in their study; Thus, it was no wonder they were the undisputed top students of their school until that fateful day. The small brunette placed a rank higher than his friend and he was overjoyed, but his excitement died when his eyes read the words printed on the piece of paper on the bulletin board. He was second. Oikawa Tooru was second. Above his name, [L/N] [F/N] was placed. She was first.

She was first, and he was second.

He felt something inside of him snap. The changes occurred little by little and Iwaizumi never noticed until the annual sports festival rolled around. A volleyball match between two classes. If there was one thing Oikawa was proud of, it would be his aptitude for the said physical activity, but his pride tampered with the moment the ball fell behind him. He was shocked, he was devastated but most of all; he was infuriated. She was able to block his attack with ease. He made sure to use all of his strength but her face showed no fatigue, no sort of emotion that let him know that she acknowledged him. It pissed him off. The match came to an end, their team lost. It felt a bitter taste in Iwaizumi, but he enjoyed the match, nonetheless. Oikawa, however, felt the ground shake under his feet. He swore that one day he would make the girl cry and apologize to him, but it never happened.

In middle school, the situation got out of hand. Oikawa remained determined to make her cry, but as a teenager, he wanted to attempt a new approach: He would make her fall in love with him and he would reject her, plain and simple. He smirked at his plan. It was perfect - he thought, but little did he know how wrong he was. He wanted her to be conscious of him, but it was Oikawa Tooru who began to realize that, despite her blunt and dull personality, she was still a girl.

He noticed her annoyance when she was unable to fix her hair properly, her small and soft hands that were incapable of lifting big and heavy objects, her small stature that rendered impossible to reach high places, her eyes that would shine when she saw the few things that she took a liking to. He would never admit it but he always had his eyes on her. Her routine, her mannerisms, her speaking pattern, the small things she disliked and the fewer things that she came to like. He was aware of all.

Iwaizumi wanted to laugh, the whole ordeal was ridiculous - he thought, but he also took pity at his best friend, he never saw him so worked up over a girl. Let alone a girl that never acknowledged him. He continued to listen to him, not attentive as he had to, but he still understood a few words in case Oikawa began to question him, he wanted to relish his meal before their lunch break came to an end.

“She called me this morning, I was so thrilled! It was the first time she called me by her own initiative and asked me if we could see each other after class, I was so enthusiastic that I never considered the motive behind her request.” He groaned and buried his face even more in shame and exasperation “She wanted to personally introduce me to a classmate of hers!” His voice close to a scream, frustration coursing through his system. He wanted to cry, he honestly wanted to although he wanted to laugh as well, how pathetic he felt to continue to chase his unrequited love.

“Iwaizumi. Oikawa.”

The sound of a familiar voice caused them to stare at the girl who stood in front of their table although they already knew the owner of such a monotonous tone.

[L/N] sat next to Iwaizumi and in front of Oikawa, her bag placed on the floor and the book she carried on the table. The ace noticed that she began to read the book instead of eating and asked her about it, therefore initiating small talk with the girl. It was a wonder how Iwaizumi was congenial towards her while Oikawa always felt a sense of rivalry between them. The two began to talk in frivolous fashion, little things that had no importance but neither of them cared much for details.

Oikawa remained silent however, he had another matter in hand. He leaned his chin on his hand and observed the girl in front of him: her [h/c] hair that was like silk, her [e/c] that showed no emotions but little did people know how much brighter they became when she saw a thing or two she liked, like a child that found their present under the Christmas tree. The way she talked in a nonchalant way, her straightforward words that were never filtered. She was kind and gentle, in her own little way, anyway.

A lost strand of hair that fell on her delicate features pulled him out of his thoughts. Unconsciously, he reached out his hand and tuck the said piece of hair behind her ear, much to her confusion. He noticed how soft her skin was to touch, her body temperature that was comforting. The lock once again fell and instead of putting it into place, he took it between his fingers, a gentle kiss on her soft and perfect hair. It had a sweet scent - he thought to himself.

“Oikawa?” She stared at Oikawa, in the thought of what the boy might be doing. It took no more than a second for Oikawa to realize what happened. He immediately retracted his hand and shoved it in his pocket. A heavy blush on his face and all he wanted to do was scold himself in shame. He gave her a meek glance, but what he saw made him feel worse. Her face void of emotions and it made him feel irritated. If she was any other girl, her face would have already exploded in embarrassment from being touched by him so why? Why was she not reacting to him at all? Maybe it was for that very reason that she was not like any other that he fell for her, hard.

Oikawa felt like he was pushed to his limit. He almost had enough of it. Almost. He had to leave, he was afraid of what he might do if he was to stay any longer in front of her.

The girl was left dumbfounded, but for Iwaizumi an explanation was never necessary. For a decade, he watched their relationship change through time. Oikawa, from rival to love interest but he was not on his own. He was trapped in his secluded world of competition, affection but at the same time denial, and he never noticed her soft gaze whenever she looked at him, her brief smile and her quiet laughter when he started to act childish. He missed all of that, but Iwaizumi was a witness. It happened once in the middle of their conversation; She told him how comfortable she felt around him, how he made her feel safe and how she wanted to be by his side. Iwaizumi was by no means an expert when it came to matters related to love and relationship, but it took him little time to figure out that, for a person of high intelligence, she was very dense. It honestly made him laugh, but he also found annoyance in the whole ordeal. Oikawa was in denial of his feelings for her, but little did he know how she felt. On the other hand, she was oblivious to her own feelings.

The ace thought that it was time to give the two a push.

In the school hallway, Oikawa walked in silence. There were many whispers from the female students, admiring from afar, but he paid no heed to them. He was busy with his own thoughts to notice. He continued to walk with no destination in mind, his hands in his pockets and a frown displayed on his lips. It was outrageous. For someone of his caliber to be incapable of making a girl fall in love with him despite his numerous attempts. His sister, upon learning about his situation, laughed and mocked him. He had many girlfriends ever since his first encounter with his love interest. There were small, cute and very feminine, they were indeed his type of girl and there was [L/N] [F/N].

“I am such an idiot… " he told himself and sighed. He became lost in his thoughts that he failed to notice the presence of a group of girls before him.

“Oikawa san, hello!” They greeted with a bright smile. The boy managed a smile, and he began to converse with them. It felt nice to have people compliment him, to have people fawn over him, to stare in awe when he walked past, to feel warm and fuzzy in his presence. This was the life he wanted, the life he should live. He should forget about his problem, it was for the best.

“Oikawa!” The brunette felt a hand pull his school jacket from behind. He turned around and saw none other than the reason for his own misery. He saw her flushed face, her erratic breathing and her hair disheveled. To say that he was shocked was an understatement, but a blush was inevitable. He wanted to punch himself at the inappropriate image that passed through his mind. Why did she have to be so cute - he wondered. He clenched his fist and bit his bottom lip. All was well, he felt better surrounded by people who acknowledged him but her mere presence prevented him from erasing his feelings.  

A minute went by but she continued to hold his jacket in her hand, she looked up at Oikawa, right into his eyes and the boy was mesmerized at the newfound emotion that she conveyed by her mere gaze, the emotionless eyes he always saw no more and instead were filled with determination and unknown sentiment that it was hard for him to detect.

A decade ever since their first encounter, he thought he was able to move on from her, from all the times she denied him despite her unawareness, from all of his failed effort to make her notice him but there he was, he was smitten. His crazy heartbeat, the nostalgic butterflies in his stomach, the warmth of his cheeks. Gosh, this girl was the sole person able to make a mess out of him and he never understood how.

They were outside of the school building, in a small corner in front of the football field, no students roamed during those hours. Oikawa pulled [L/N] away from the crowd that formed around them, after a little stunt like such, he felt the need to be alone with her despite not much thought about his hasty decision.

A little trail of sweat rushed on the side of her temple, it was a little difficult for her to follow Oikawa. He was so much taller than he was when they were small and his body was far more developed compared to his small frame from their elementary years, she blushed at the thought of how much he changed from the boy who used to cry when he lost, the little boy who got frustrated at every turn, the one who always looked at her with anger in his eyes.

There he was, Oikawa Tooru, his last year of high school, the captain of the volleyball team, there was no more comparison to who he was, but at the same time, he had always been the boy she knew ever since her transfer. She had known him for a decade, but she never noticed how he was in truth.

The boy stared at her, he saw her red face, but in his thoughts, he told himself that it was due to the fact that they ran at a fast pace. He already gave up on her feeling anything for him, or so that was what he wanted. The stare she gave him, he wanted to believe even for little more that he was wrong and she indeed felt something.

She wanted to speak but Oikawa placed an arm above her head, on the hard wall behind her. He leaned close to her face, his thoughts were in chaos and all because of his feelings for one girl. He pitied himself, hundreds of girls fawning over him and he had to fall in love with the one that never saw him as a man.

“[F/N] chan...” he said, a hidden despair in his husky voice “You really are cruel.” He failed to take note of how close their faces were. The said girl was in a tight trap, she began to feel uncomfortable under his stare and presence but she also felt her cheeks warmer than before. Although she felt nervous and felt herself tremble, she did not feel the need to flee or push him away.

“T... Tooru...” she whimpered and backed herself more against the wall. Oikawa stared at her in bewilderment, he must be in a dream. “Tooru, too close.” Again, she spoke his name. She was not the first to call him by his name though the way his name rolled from her tongue was perfect. That moment he began to be aware of their small distance. Damn, if she continued like this he might not be able to restrain himself. He still remained close, he had to wonder why she remained still and why had she not push him away? Did she still not feel anything? Not even a shred of embarrassment? Oikawa was honestly oblivious to her emotions. He was too focused on the history of their relationship to consider the change.

“A whole decade, a whole damn decade I chased after you and you always neglected me. Now, you look at me with those eyes and call me by my name? How long do you still plan on toying with my heart?!” he almost flinched when he heard himself raise his voice at her, he disliked it but he wanted to pour out all of his overflowing concealed emotions. "[F/N], how can you not understand how much I love you and you still treat me like this?!”

She felt the world come to a halt. Oikawa was in love with her. He really was in love with her. In the brief conversation she shared with Iwaizumi in the absence of the brunette, he revealed how Oikawa felt towards her despite his aggressive nature when they were little. She found it hard to believe, but the black-haired ace insisted to look for Oikawa to confirm his words and there he was, confessing.

Silence. Oikawa waited for her to talk or at least a sign, but she was silent. He began to feel embarrassment and frustration in his chest, he was about to pull away but she felt her shift under him. He was incredulous of what his eyes saw: [L/N] was covering her mouth, her furrowed brows, her burning cheeks. He continued to stare at her in anticipation and the girl felt herself melt. He thought he saw enough but she still had something left to say.

“Tooru, you idiot... Stop staring at me like that…”

Oikawa Tooru almost died at the spot. It happened all at the same time, all so fast and it was bad for his heart. He needed time to calm himself but how was it possible when [L/N] [F/N], his love interest for the past decade, blushing and embarrassed right in front of him.

"Hey, [F/N] chan… Can I?" He asked as he leaned in, his lips almost on hers. The girl in question only placed her hands on his shoulders, her half-lidded eyes, she felt lightheaded about the events that occurred in the past minutes but all she was certain of was that she trusted Oikawa. She nodded in silence and waited for him to close the space between them.

"You made me wait for too long."