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hiddenjam · 2 years

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Some help for my mom - UPDATED

Hello friends, you probably don’t know who I am since I haven’t been active here from years, and I rarely post anything, some of you even messaged me wondering if I was still alive, I'm so sorry if I ever worried anyone, I'm alive! I just don’t have time and motivation to be active these days, thanks a lot for you lovely persons who dmed me tho ♡ this and other reasons are why I regret letting my depression drown me for too long, because I’m feeling so tired right now, so lonely, but I’m also feeling desperate and helpless because I need your help. So my mom has been very sick from some time ago, but just recently, she got diagnosed with a brain tumor, and she needs a surgery urgently, like doctors gave her 2 months if we do nothing, and 1 has already passed, but the cost its high and I don't have enough money to help her.

I know I said before I was going to do commissions, but my time has been shortened since I also work long hours and taking care of my mom at the same time its really tiresome, physically and mentally, not that I complain in helping her tho. So maybe this year, hopefully I’ll make some progress with that. I'm sorry I'm rambling, I'm not very good with words, back at the matter…

I’m feeling REALLY ashamed to be asking for help, but like I said Im feeling desperate to help my mom, I only live with her and I need her just like she needs me right now, she’s suffering a lot, and the feeling of helpless its horrible because I can’t help her like she needs to.

So please, please, consider donate to make her surgery, she doesn’t have much time left, even if its a small donation, every cent no matter the amount its important to us, and it will help to do it as soon as possible.

And if you can’t donate but still wants to help, then share this link to reach to others, really, anything right now its important to me, thank you for reading, and thanks a lot for your help.

Tbh I still don’t know everything about this tumor, but I shared more info and details in the fundraiser link, and even if you need a commission (I mean a drawing for a donation) you can dm me, I've never done a commission before, but I will try my best to do it, really by this point I’d do anything to help my mom.

Thanks a lot and take care ♡ ♡ ♡ This is the donation page: https://gofund.me/347d39a2

EDIT: My mom survived the surgery with the help of everyone!! Thanks a LOT for all donations & shares! by changing the doctor we managed to give her a second chance in life 🥺 Also the tumor turned out to be benign!

Her doctor talked about her case on facebook !

SO GLAD we found him, the first doctor was charging us 22k while this doc charged us 10k (I put 3k from my saves) and it turned out all good! its amazing the improvement that my mom has shown ever since the 1st day of the surgery. And she's smiling 🥺❤️

Right now the only problem is the radiosurgery, and its another expense 😭 I dont know when this gonna end, but docs say hopefully is the last time, the probability is never 0 but she will need to be checked from time to time. In the meantime I will share the fundraiser for the radiosurgery, yeah I know, its shameless, but I really hope not to be in this position ever again after this. This time, Im no afraid of the outcome, I'm hopeful but need to be patient.

Once again, please, I need your help, I dont know If I should do another post about it, but for the moment I will just add it here in the ogpost: https://gofund.me/da136114

Once again thanks for your consideration <3

#personal #fundraising #Sorry to post this personal info here #Im just... I dont know what to do anymore #Im sorry to bother #not art related #Brain Tumor

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waywardstation · 2 years

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I don't post a lot about any of my writing or story bits about my characters often myself (if ever, im horribly shy about my writing skills ;w;), but the process I follow sounds similar to some of the others who have sent asks about the same thing to you!

Nothings linear when I plan or write things ever, it all comes randomly when it wants to show up I can never force it, the way it works for me is if I have the story or plot point I want to improve/add to in mind, I kinda just let my mind go on autopilot, to think, I don't think. I put my music on shuffle and if a song gets the right vibes, the idea builds off that to draw it out, and usually I imagine different scenarios and interactions with the song (its always very vauge like a mixing pot of potential) and just go about working or cleaning, even sleeping as I got good at lucid dreaming years ago, and THEN, the braincell connects juuuuust right and I get a whole dialouge session or a complete scene thought up that I hastily scribble down to just have the key words or lines to hold it there. I have notepads and mini sketchbooks everywheres with bits and pieces of story, lore or character creations in them. My poor phones note app needs to be sorted very badly XD

Another way I learned to get ideas or character development improved on is to talk/type it out to a friend that knows about the thing in question and just, type or talk! Half of any current ideas I've gotten lately have all been half formed until I had gone and typed up an entire wall to explain things, and as I'm doing so, more smaller pieces, or even HUGE pieces I didn't think of before become known all of a sudden that fit into place perfectly! It's just like Rubber Duck Debugging for people who type codes for software and websites. If something breaks or they can't find the issue they talk to a rubber duck to hear themself back and then that usually helps find the problem because they no longer have to see the code like they have been for god knows how long, they can hear it instead and they pick up on the bug that way!

Also just like Warden Anon, I too see everything you've written like a movie being played out in my head, it helps you describe your scenes and interactions very very well to be able to easily visualize what your portraying! XD

Some folks can see what your writing just like it's a movie and some folks see it just as the script but still have that same understanding, or its just a haze. It's called Aphantasia! There was a trend going around about how clearly you can see an apple when you think about it with your eyes closed not too long ago!

What a thought process OP!! It’s so interesting to hear about; I’m simultaneously so similar but so different from that. I will listen to music as well (it has to be instrumental though, no words and very quiet. I have tinnitus, so it needs to be just enough to dull the ringing) and just sit down somewhere secluded; I can’t do other things like you do - though wow, you’re lucky you can lucid dream so easily!!

Talking can help so much too!! From getting help from beta readers, to publicly sharing concepts on this blog that others can help me walk through, it really does help a lot!! I should do it more, though - the rubber duck coding comparison is a good way to reemphasize why it’s so helpful!

And that’s so good to hear that my work can actually be visualized!! I can’t really visualize it myself ^^ I’m not quite sure I can articulate what it’s actually like to me, but it’s definitely not like a movie, or any clear visuals of any sort. I realized that when my brother brought up an aphantasia test, asking me to visualize an elephant a few years ago ^^ It’s interesting how brains work like that!!

Thanks for sharing OP!!! Loved hearing your thoughts and reading about what you shared!!

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stuck-in-the-ghost-zone · 3 years

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the mentally ill 10-note-artist struggle between never wanting to create anything ever again or creating so much stuff out of spite

#dont rb. if someone rbs this and it gets more notes than my art ill kill myself #anyway. nothing i have ever made is any good smile. i want to be creative so fuckin bad but what's the point when everything i make sucks #like #hm #best fic on ao3 is a fuckign. not even original idea. its a spinoff of a different fic i didnt even write #so like. doesnt count #idk. all my shit is awful im a fuckin fraud cwilbur is my favorite character and i cant even draw him right #like. sigh (<<is fucking useless)#'wah dont assign your worth to the amount of notes you get' is the same as rich people saying money doesnt make you happy #the only peopl making those posts are people that get hundreds of notes on any given thing #do u know jow much it fucking sucks to work for 6 hrs on smth and its not even good enough for ur friends to comment on #like. fuckin disheartening as shit and i . mmmm #i wanna delete my art blog so fucking bad but ik if i do that ill just make myself more upset #how have i been making art for like. 10 yrs bow and i havent improved at all what am i doing wrong why do i still suck so bad #its a thing where like. if i tell people i wanna delete my art blog theyll go :(( noo dont do that ill miss ur stuff #but then like. i make art snd those same people just. nothing. no interaction. i am not lookng it does not exist #the things i make are not. remarkable enough to be remembered and all my ideas are shit #so like whats even the point huh #its a thing where like.#if i just never made anything ever again and didnt say anything people just. Would Not Notice.#and that hurts so much fuckign more than anything else i think #like. its a thing where if i told them abt it theyd be like uwu thats so sad but if i didnt say anything they just. wouldnt miss it #its not. significant to anyone and i hate it bc i try so fucking hard but it doesnt Matter!!!!!! it doesnt matter at all #sigh #i think its the same thing with me just. as a person too like #if i just disappeared one day i dont think anyone would like. even think to look #theyd just forget i exist the minute i stop being annoying all the time. like good riddance huh #sighhhhh #delete later #i picked up my tablet todah and fucking cried about it lol

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queen-pudi · 3 years

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Orange Soda

Ukai Keishin x Reader 18+ Minors DNI Warning: Female masturbation, blowjob, eating pussy idk im not good with tags im sorry if I missed something😭

Masterlist

I should be sleeping but I got hit with this and needed to let this out as soon as possible. This was sorta proofread so I'm sorry if I forgot to edit somethings but my 2 am brain says this is good so ima trust it

Every day you came into that damn store just to get an orange soda. You don't even really like orange soda that much but that's not why you come in. No, you come in to see the sexy and stern shop owner who smokes like his life depends on it. Ever since you first started your visits to his store you have been completely enamored by the coach. His hardass exterior reeling you in just to have you completely head over heels for his soft and sweet interior that only a few get to see. While you were interested in finding more about the man you are wasting your money for, you were more interested in finding out what else he can do with his mouth besides breathe in that cancerous smoke Today was no different than any other day You went to work, got off work, bolted to the fastest train to get you home, swiftly, but not too fast as to not seem eager, made your way to the store and made yourself look as attractive as possible before entering the store. Immediately you were hit with the scent of cigarettes and freshly heated up pastries. Looking over you saw the eye of your affection looking as bored as ever with a cigarette hanging loosely out of his mouth. Seeing who had entered the store he perked up immediately "Evening Y/N! In for your usual?" he asked, voice conveying just how happy he was to see you, his regular that never failed to bring a smile to his face. "As if I get anything else Ukai," You say playfully as you make your way to the freezer, opening the door and grabbing your drink without looking. Its always in the same exact spot waiting for you. However, today when you looked in your hand you were holding a coke. Confused you look back only to see that the freezer had been rearranged in order to accommodate the new drinks they had received. Huffing in annoyance you look up to see your orange soda on the highest shelf looking down at you, mocking you. You reached up to grab it yet it was just a hair out of reach. You jumped slightly hoping that would help but you were met with little improvement. Grumbling in frustration you go to try again before hearing someone chuckle and footsteps drawing closer. Before you had a chance to turn around you were met with a hand reaching past your own. The air suddenly wafting in tobacco and cheap cologne "Let me help you" you hear, voice almost right against your ear Ukai pressed you up against the freezer, a hand settled on your waist as he reaches up to grab the soda. Cold air blaring from the freezer doing nothing to cool you down as you feel his breath on your neck and his warmth surrounding you. Leaning down he says into your ear, "I believe this is yours" putting it just within your reach. You take it from him and thank him as he leaves your side. You falter slightly from the feeling of his hands leaving you. Slightly flustered and annoyed with the constant back and forth between the two of you that has been going on for months with nothing to show for it, you make your way to the counter ready to pay for your drink as you decide enough is enough and you will make a move today. Maybe you were imagining it but he couldn't meet your eyes and you could see a faint blush dusted on his cheeks. "That'll be $1.25," he says, voice trying to remain strong but you heard a slight waver to it Trying to come up with an idea to keep the momentum going you stood there shuffling through your bag. You looked stupid and it was apparent as Ukai looked at you curiously "Everything ok?" he asks, curiosity lacing his voice. Having no choice it was time to make a move. After all, that standing and rustling through your bag your mind was blank except for one extraordinarily bad idea but it's better than nothing. "I am so sorry I seemed to have forgotten my wallet," you said, nervousness riddled throughout your voice yet you tried to put on a brave face he chuckled to himself

"Is that all? Don't worry about it, it's on the house"

he says, handing it to you while giving you a comforting smile. you were tempted to leave it there but you might as well see it through. "Are you sure it's ok?" you ask, nervous but never one to back down from a challenge you gathered your courage to keep up a calm front "Of course! you're a valued customer and it's just a soda" he said with such certainty in his voice and a reassuring smile on his face "Thank you but are you sure there isn't anything I can do to repay you? I'm not opposed to manual labor" you say, batting your eyelashes and jutting out your chest trying to seem as sexy and seductive as possible. Yes, this idea may have come from a porno where the customer repaid the store owner with her body and yes that may have been the exact line she said and yes you may have watched it while imaging it was Ukai. You know what they say, Horny times call for horny measures. Ukai looked at you for a while, confused as to why you were pushing so hard for a $1.25 soda but after seeing the blush on your face and the scared yet lust-filled gaze in your eyes he understood exactly what you were hinting at. Ukai would be lying if he said he never thought of you that way. Every day for the past 3 months you've been coming in with your little skirt riding up ever so slightly, tempting him to come over and dive his head in between your thighs and have you scream out his name for the whole prefecture to hear. He even rearranged the freezer so that an incident just like today would happen so he could feel your body pressed against his for just a second. Deciding to play along he put out his cigarette, ready to give you his full attention. He leaned in so that you were eye to eye, breath fanning your face making it even hotter than you thought possible. Glancing down at your lips as they shined with that pretty cherry lip gloss you always wore that made your lips look so plump and ripe for the tasting. "Depends on what you had in mind doll" he smirked, letting you take the reigns just to see how far you'd go. You started this game so might as well let you decide where this will go. Not expecting you to go too far. Deciding it was now or never you slowly inched your way around the counter, hands resting on his shoulders while slowly making their way down to his thighs, leaning into his ear chest pressed against his as he shut his eyes roughly out of the small amount of doubt he had that this was all a dream and he'd wake up to find him alone in his bed once again. Breath fanning his ear you whisper "I can think of a few things that might suffice" slowly backing away before making your way to his lips, hovering for a second before saying fuck it and slotting your lips into his. Its everything you've been hoping for and more. Ukai grabbed your head and pulled you in to deepen the kiss. Tongues dancing with each other as you both tried to convey all the feelings you've had for the past 3 months. You pulled away from the kiss to get some air making him let out a soft whimper at the loss of contact before reopening his eyes once he felt your hands inching closer to his lap. Resting on your knees you undid his pants while maintaining eye contact as if to ask if this is ok. Seeing no signs of rejection you finally rubbed over his member slowly before taking it out. You stared at it for a moment, mouth drooling with the filthy ideas you have in mind before placing a small kiss on the tip. Ukai let out a small gasp as he watched in anticipation for your next move. Placing another kiss you decided to experiment and kiss down to the base before licking a long stripe back up to the top and finally placing him in your mouth and slowly starting your ministrations. Ukai groaned as you took him in so easily, eyes rolling back in pleasure. You've barely done anything and yet you had him wrapped around your finger. Starting out slowly you bobbed your head up and down, cheeks hollowing out to help accommodate his dick. What he lacked in length, which he surely doesn't, he makes up for in girth.

Stretching your mouth wide you can already feel how sore it will be later on but you didn't care.

How could you care when the sounds he was letting out sounded so good and had you going faster just to hear more. You picked up the pace resulting in him letting out more and more moans. "Y/N" he groaned out. Finally having enough you reached under your skirt and pulled aside your panties, slowly caressing your folds before diving in to give you some sort of relief. He looked down and the sight he was greeted with almost had him come right then and there. To see you that riled up from simply sucking his dick had him on the edge of his seat and itching for release to give you what you want. Grasping your head he sank you down on his cock before fucking you at his own pace. While you were caught off guard that didn't stop you from moaning out in pleasure at the idea of being used for his own desires. Pumping your fingers into yourself faster than you ever have before. Finally, he slammed your head down and released deep into your throat causing you to gag quite a bit. Coming down from his high he peeled you off of him and reached over for a tissue while sturring out apology after apology. "I am so sorry I should have warned you, are you ok?" he asked in such haste, worried that he had screwed everything up before anything real has even started. He reached down to clean you off but was caught off guard by the blissed-out look on your face. Eyes pleading for him to do something about the state you were in In a split second, he lifted you up onto the counter and dived under your skirt to reveal a mess, a mess that he had caused and that he was more than willing to clean up. He wasted no time before plunging in and licking a long stripe on your pussy. Your head leaned back as your eyes rolled back from a pleasure that you never thought you'd have a chance to experience. You made no effort to hide your sinful noises as he continued to lap at your cunt as if he hasn't eaten in months. "Keishin!" you screamed, hand finding its way to his hair as you pulled on it to keep you grounded. This spurred him on to go faster. He decided to take it up a notch and add his fingers to the mix while focusing on your throbbing clit that's just begging to be used and abused till he is satisfied. Soon after you wrapped your legs around him and brought him as close as possible before screaming out in ecstasy "Please let me cum, please please please" you begged before him, sweat glistening your skin as you focused all your attention on the overwhelming pleasure he was so graciously bestowing upon you. For a quick second, he thought about stopping everything and leaving you there on the counter unsatisfied and begging for him just for the satisfaction of knowing he was the only one that could bring you to the edge. That was a thought for next time however, for now, he is focused on bringing you the exact same high that you gave to him. Not a second later you were screaming out his name as if it were a prayer as it was the only thing you could remember. White filling your sight as you reluctantly came down from quite possibly the greatest pleasure you've had in your life. Ukai helped you through it, drinking every last drop of what you had to offer before going in for more. You pushed him away at the overstimulation and sat up. He finally reappeared from between your thighs, being greeted with the second-best sight he's ever seen. Leaning over you reached for a tissue and began wiping at his face as he had down for you, looking into each other's eyes with a bashful grin on your faces. He helped you down as you regain your composure and fix yourself up to make yourself look somewhat presentable to the world. Collecting your things in silence you go to grab your drink and head to the door, Ukai's eyes never leaving your figure as he tried to think of something to say.

One hand rested on the door, soda in the other ready to leave and think about this moment for the next 50 years. You stop to look over your shoulder, eyes meeting his as a playful smile rested on your face. "I hope that covered the cost," you say, your voice holding a light tone yet you both know the weight it held. Sending one last wink his way you exited the store leaving him pinching himself to see if that actually happened. The next day you came back, both of you acting as if nothing happened. You barely acted any different in your interactions with him that for a second he thought that that was a one-time thing. Grabbing your drink you make your way up to the counter. Ukai is ready to make no mention of yesterday even though his heart is heavy and yearning for more. Eyes looking everywhere but you as he tried to calm down. "That'll be 1.25," he said, trying to act normal yet his tone held a sadness to it that was too obvious for his own good. Waiting for you to pay and leave just as you used to yet that never came. all of a sudden he heard an exaggerated sigh and lifted his head only to be greeted by your sultry gaze and playful grin "Omg, you are not gonna believe this but I forgot my wallet," you said, voice laced with a flirty nature that was never there before. Finally, Ukai relaxed and looked you in the eyes for the first time today. A smirk settled on his face as his eyes landed onto your lips, bearing that damn cherry gloss he can never get enough of. "Well I think I know how to fix this" Who woulda thought that porn could help you land the man of your dreams?

THANKS FOR READING!! I hope this was good and please leave a like if you like it and if you chose to follow me please let it be known I'm not a writer so I'm not gonna be active at as much I'm sorry HAVE A GREAT DAY I LOVE YOU ALL

#haikyuu!!#ukai imagine #ukai keishin #ukai fic #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu x you #hq smut #hq imagines #haikyuu smut #coach ukai x reader #ukai x reader #ukai keishin x reader #ukai smut #hq x reader #puddin at night

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spearxwind · 2 years

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Randomly remembered Adri and Dan for some reason so i went onto your blog and went through some of your older art and damn i never realized how much it influenced me, especially when it comes to my own art and taste in monsters. The unapologetic edge is so much fun and the contrast between more morally "complex" characters and ones that "just wanna off and/or eat ppl" together with the consistently great designs is just aaaa.

I could probably continue on for a while but basically I loved your stuff enough it got subconsciously imprinted into my brain in my mid teens and looking at your recent work and the amount of improvement you've made without completely losing the previous vibe is increadible. Bet reading the webcomic is gonna be great! :D

Sorry if this is too much and worded weirdly im not a native english speaker haha.

(Also remembered how funny it is how attached ppl(including me apparently) got to a sacrificial lamb with no backstory or real connection to the world around him, love how he sometimes just looks perturbed by what's happening like he knows this is just how it's meant to go)

Oh wow, that’s wack! You’ve probably been here for a really long time then haha. I’m glad ive been influencing people to be more insane with their evil characters, a while back for a solid few years everyone was so scared to make just evil ocs and everything had to be complex etc but now its like. No you can just have a character thats a horrible person and its fun

I do hope you enjoy the comic too! It’s not QUITE on adri’s level of violence haha but I still think it’s a fun read :]

Also ngl the reason why dan just looks perturbed sometimes is cause Im not super great at drawing extreme expressions but it works out well bc it just makes it look even funnier

#i also hope I havent lost too much of the violence vibe :')#i worry about that so much rip #ask #anon

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st5lker · 2 years

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Yo i really relate to your recent posts about your art. I've been drawing since pretty much forever but a while back a stopped and I've only been drawing once a month or so. Maybe less. And it's frustrating for several reasons: A. People who are younger than me are better than me (demotivating lol) and B. this whole time I've been looking at other people's art and getting better taste in art and when i go to draw i can't draw as well as my taste in art if that makes sense. Like i can't draw as well as my idea of a good drawing is. So of course I try my best and fix every mistake i can find, but it sucks when there's something missing or off and I can't tell what it is. And when i decide I'm finished with a piece it just kinda looks...boring. like there are no obvious mistakes but it's nothing special either. Just perfectly average. It sucks bc it's hard to feel motivated to improve when even im not impressed with the result. I guess my way around it has been to not focus on making finished pieces. I just sketch and sketch to try and improve without feeling too bad about it. I guess it's not good to stay in my comfort zone the whole time but any drawing is better than no drawing imo. Another way i help myself is by never showing it to anyone. I mean yeah getting critique is good and all but i know myself well enough to know that I can't handle anything that's not glowing praise. So i just keep it to myself unless I'm 100% confidant I've make something impressive, or I really really need a pair of fresh eyes to see the issues. The temptation to post for validation is great, but my need to stay motivated is greater. Idk why i wrote this giant paragraph. If this doesnt help at all then I hope it at least makes you feel less alone in these feelings.

- a fellow adult artist

ty anon... i mean idk this mindset probably isnt very healthy for either of us but its good to know that im not the only one who feels like this bc everything you wrote applies to me perfectly. hope we both get out of this feeling soon

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palmett-hoes · 4 years

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what's your take on the foxes mbti?

oh buddy ur never gonna believe this but i wrote a foxes MBTI post YEARS ago

im also not into mbti anymore and haven't been for many years so that post is probably still more accurate and in-depth than what i could give you now. i’m just gonna copy the whole thing but i read it over and it still totally vibes w how i understand the characters, like way more than i was expecting it to. i only made one edit (it’s marked) and it was to add a detail not change anything

i hope you’re really really into mbti otherwise this’ll probably be gobbeldegook

i used to be obessively into mbti so here’s an analysis based on cognitive functions mostly.

SKIP IF YOU WANT. for anyone with no idea how it works, here’s a quick rundown: cognitive functions are about the way people think, process, and prioritize information, not necessarily how they act, though people who think the same way often act the same. the 8 letters that make up a type represent how people process and prioritize internal and external stimuli. every letter actually has an ‘internal’ and 'external’ form so there’s Thinking (internal(ti) and external(te)), Feeling (internal(fi) and external(fe)), Sensing (internal(si) and external(se)), and iNtuition(internal(ni) and external(ne)) t’s always go with a corresponding and opposite f (like ti and fe always go together), same with s’s and n’s (ex: si and ne always go together). a set of t, f, s, and n in a specific order makes an mbti type.

neil: intp (ti ne si fe)

neil has incredible analytical ability although it’s very programmed for survival but he’s also a fast thinker and very quick to adapt to new environments. he also approaches things from original angles that other people dont consider, all that sounds like high ti/ne. the lower functions fit well too. in times of stress, he returns to old habits and falls back on what’s familiar, that’s classic low si. his emotions are also very exterior. he’s bad with other people from lack of exposure, but he’s committed to harmony between those close to him and has an impeccable ability to read the emotional states of others while being completely oblivious of his own, and his sense of self is tied to exterior things like exy, friends, keys, and legal documents (lol) that’s fe

andrew: intj (ni te fi se)

ni is really hard to describe but it has to do with being able to draw conclusions from scattered input, which fits with andrew’s uncanny ability to spot lies and obsession with finding out the truth, especially with high te, which is about spatial order and logic, think of how prioritized he is with the physical order of things: who sits where, who wears what, etc. a lot of people want to make andrew infj i bet as like a “subversive reading” but he’s definitely not. i used to be really close to an infj and they have hyper-empathy, as in she would describe not just caring about other people and being able to read their emotional states but literally feeling the things the people around her felt. this is a common result of the ni/fe combo, and the reason why andrew is definitely not infj. tertiary fi fits very well instead because andrew is deeply attuned to his own inner emotional state. he’s self-confident and doesn’t care about other people’s perception of him, but he’s also very concerned with his own feelings and understanding them, even if they’re repressed. he’s also very aware of his physical surroundings, which plays into his deductive ability, although it’s not his focus. that’s low se

kevin: estj (te si ne fi)

kevin is a classic estj. he’s controlling, demanding, and driven. he tries to control the actions of those around him and gets very distressed when things dont run smoothly, as well as having strong feelings about improving efficiency. high te people make great managers. kevin’s whole story arc is about breaking old habits, which is a very si problem. it has to do with trusting and craving memory and familiarity, and explains kevins need for endless repetition. he’s innovative, though, coming up with new strategies and drills (ne), it’s just based on what’s already familiar, and you can see him spiral into creating all possible worst-case scenarios when he’s stressed (low ne stress reaction, they like to be prepared). finally, he’s a dick, but he cares about other people and wants to improve their lives, as well as being very reliant on other people’s perceptions of him to define his own self-image (low fe)

dan: esfj (fe si ne ti)

dan’s top priority, over everything else, is her team. she wants her team to improve, she wants her team to win, she wants her team to work together. it’s all about the collective. we also see that she’s very open with others and makes a lot of effort to both make new ties and maintain old ones, that’s high fe. she’s sentimental and attached to the past too (si) esp the photo wall, but we also see her very unwilling to let go of the past ie the monsters but eventually willing to change and grow to mend team cohesion (ne). we also see the fight in underlying logic (low ti) with her: she knows the team needs the monsters to cooperate but she cant figure out how to do it

matt: enfj (fe ni se ti)

so enfj’s experience infj hyper-empathy too, but to a slightly lesser extent (primary fe is more group cohesion, secondary fe is more understanding others), and through this we see matt’s easy-going open friendliness and ability to befriend even prickly little neil, because he has an extremely good sense of what other people are feeling and need, it also explains why he doesn’t hold a grudge against the cousins in the same way dan does, because he understands where they were coming from. se is associated with a general boisterousness for life, as it’s about experiencing the world around you, which explains matt’s happy-go-lucky disposition and puppydog behavior. the ti aspects mostly go into supporting fe/ni empathic senses

allison: entj (te ni se fi)

i mean, allison’s controlling, both in that she orders other people around and in that her physical being and space are very planned and organized (her clothes, her hair, her makeup, etc) but at the same time there isn’t much sentimentality to her, like how she doesn’t care when her car was destroyed. she easily replaces things because she cares about the object’s purpose, not its history and that all smacks of high te/ni. and i mean, the se definitely contributes to her love of designer things and killer looks, because she cares about the world immediately around her, and why live if not in luxury? and fi? is there any character more aggressively self-confident than allison reynolds?? going against her parents’ wishes for her takes a really strong, independent sense of self, but we also see the problems that can come from not worrying about other people, in how she starts fights and can be abrasive and catty

renee: infp (fi ne si te)

okay this one was really hard tbh. a list of other considerations: isfp, istp, and infj. it’s very easy to read renee as high fe because she’s kind, but i think it’s a mischaracteration of why she’s kind. it’s not because it comes naturally to her, it’s because it’s a conscious choice that makes her feel better about herself. high fi people often read as fe because they’re so comfortable with themselves and in tune with their own needs that they can then go and provide for others. i associate her religion with ne, because contemplation and acceptance of the divine later in life is a very metaphysical undertaking that undoubtedly requires a lot of abstract thought. renee’s storyline also revolves a lot around using things from her past and putting a conscious effort into leaving things from her past behind (how she still uses the skills she learned from her past in new ways ie sparring with andrew and protecting the upperclassmen v/s how she held on to her knives even when she knew it was detrimental to her moving on) this sounds like si. her protective instincts also feed into the te need for order, but it’s a looser leash than say andrew, as it’s lower on her function stack but still present

nicky: esfp (se fi te ni)

godd nicky is like a prototypical esfp. i mean nicholas “sex, drugs, and parties” hemmick cant be anything but se dominant. nicky is all about living it up and living in the moment. like he’s sporadic and ive seen it lead people to think he could be enfp but he doesn’t think enough about the meaning of things to be ne dominant (like how he makes somewhat predatory jokes and such, he’s all about the here-and-now while ne is about the past and future simultaneously). also he of all characters has incredibly prominent fi, as his whole character is about living unashamedly as himself as a gay man and the immense self-awareness and inner strength it takes not only to come out to unaccepting parents but also to leave and start a new life when they rejected him. however, fi is also indicative of his communication problems with his family, as he’s unable to tell that the cousins are fundamentally different from him in their needs and boundaries, leading him to pushing them, making them uncomfortable, and being unable to help them, because he’s unable to understand them. the rest are much more hidden, but a party boy shopaholic like nicky would probably need some amount of te order in like an organized chaos fashion (and he’s often headcanoned as liking to throw parties) and you do see him become somewhat pushy, even controlling in those scenarios. ni is the hardest but could maybe be seen in how he’s attuned to the cousins reactions for all that he cant predict them/doesn’t do anything on his own part to prevent them (the way he handles andrew is like if someone poked a rattlesnake knowing damn well what it would do and then freaked out when he got bit)

aaron: istj (si te fi ne)

im a little iffy on this one and worry it might be an analysis based on his trauma instead of complimentary to it, but aaron’s arc is about breaking out of his habit of holding on to the past. he refuses to work towards moving on from his mother’s death, refuses to listen to things that contradict his preconceived notions, and refuses to make changes in his life that could improve it. that’s unhealthy si. he’s really a very unhealthy istj, and most of his traits manifest through his unhappiness with his life. take his te. that would imply that he needs control over his surroundings, but aaron is incredibly bitter and unhappy BECAUSE he doesn’t have control of his surroundings. he doesn’t get to make his own choices, he doesn’t get to control his space, and he hates it. his relationship with katelyn is also indicative of being an istj. it’s stable, not a passionate fling, but aaron is mocked for wanting that white picket fence, married with kids in the suburbs kind of life, and his relationship, which is his primary source of happiness, is built on stability, which is a very si thing to do. in terms of fi, it is aaron that ultimately forces change between himself and andrew. he may have been pushed but he ultimately came down to him knowing what made him happy and what made him miserable and acting on that. also, he’s an ornery asshole who clearly doesn’t care what other people think of him. fi. i dont really have anything to say in terms of ne, probably because he’s so unhealthy but also because he’s not too explored. heyy istj’s make great doctors

wymack: isfj (si fe ti ne)

okay this one was genuinely the hardest to decide on but ultimately i came to the conclusion that wymack, much like renee, is such a developed person that he loses many defining traits of the functions, and can be read in many different ways. so: wymack’s primary goal is the safety and betterment of other people (ie his team). he wants to help people overcome their pasts, which is a very atypical approach to si, but is si nonetheless. on a personal level, too, he’s never able to move on from people, and specifically never moved on from kayleigh, continuing their shared dream of an exy team for abused kids long after her death. as ive said before, fe in a secondary position is about deep understanding of other people, and wymack’s ability to understand what other people are struggling through is legendary. the ti mostly serves as support to the fe, serving as the analytical backup in allowing him to understand others. as for ne: he is most definitely an innovator with unusual ideas, or the foxes wouldn’t exist

riko: estp (se ti fe ni)

riko is basically what happens when an estp goes bad down to the core. he’s obsessed with personal glory and immediate self-fulfillment (se) he has no impulse control or fear of consequences. interestingly, high se is often associated with athleticism, because high se people are intensly focused on their surroundings (exy). his ti is also super unhealthy as he gets obsessed with ideas that dont really work with objective reality, like his obsession with ownership and power dynamics despite them not actually being efficient, even backwards. the tertiary fe he uses to manipulate. he doesn’t empathize with others, but he can tell their emotional state and what’s important to them, and uses it to coerce them and destroy their sense of self, like how he knew he could get neil to the nest by threatening andrew. EDIT: /additionally, fe people especially in the lower half of the function stack tend to derive their sense of self from the perceptions of others around them, which riko very much shows in how he needs to be acknowledged as the best and won’t allow any competition for his title, as well as his desperation for acknowledgement from his family/. finally, that ni allowed him to keep multiple plans in place focused on one ultimate goal: getting kevin back. the sheer amount of schemes he sets up in order to fool and push people the way he wants is honestly kinda impressive, but he’s a toxic shithead and im glad he’s rotting. definitely not representative of all estp’s

this is honestly SO funny to read back a few years later bc HOOOOO boy was i way too into this stuff. and this was written a couple years after my Peak MBTI Obsession, which was honestly scary

#txt #the foxes #dan wilds #kevin day #andrew minyard #matt boyd #aaron minyard #allison reynolds #nicky hemmick #renee walker #neil josten #wymack #riko moriyama #my posts #im talkin #ask #anon #anonymous

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alienheartattack · 3 years

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Hii! I am also a rivamika shipper and omG I love all of your fanfictions! They are so well written and I smile whenever i read one of them. From ur fics, Im guessing rivamika is ur OTP? But- I have been so inspired by ur fics that I want to write my own Rivamika fanfictions, but my writing is nowhere near as good as urs. Do you have any tips on how I can improve?

Thank you so much for your message! It makes me so happy to know that other people enjoy my fics. There's really nothing better when you're reading a story and the feels hit and you've just got this big grin on your face, so that's the feeling I try to go for when I write.

I would say strictly based on the sheer volume of fic I've written, Rivamika is definitely my OTP. I've had other OTPs in the past but I'd never published much fanfiction for them because I tended to join fandoms well past their peak, but there's a definite theme in all of my shipping adventures: a talented but difficult man and the equally talented woman who sees through his bullshit. (I was really into House/Cuddy from House MD back before the show made them canon and then sunk the ship into the Mariana fucking Trench in like 8 episodes. Everyone, please count your blessings that Rivamika isn't canon.)

As for improving your writing... I'm going to try not to write a novel about this because I have Many Feelings About Writing. First off I would caution you not to compare yourself to other writers, but rather look at them as sources of inspiration and emulation. (Mainly I just feel weird when younger fic writers compare themselves to me, since I have an extensive background in writing and editing, I've read a ton, I studied writing in college, and during my last fandom hiatus I got into live comedy and wrote multiple sketch and variety shows as well as a whole-ass play. One of the reasons why I'm as good as I am is because I've been doing this for so long.)

The very unsexy but true answer is that good writing is born from discipline and developing your own practice. Every creative writing teacher I've had has said something along the lines of, "I cannot teach you how to write. I can give you tools and the opportunity to workshop your writing, but you have to figure out the writing process that works best for you." Some people are more productive in the morning or at night; you might write longhand, on your phone, or on a computer; you might start writing with only inspiration to guide you or you might outline extensively before you start. You have to figure out which of these methods work best for you and figure out how to schedule time to write. (Personally, I write mostly at night, I outline extensively, and I take notes on my phone whenever inspiration strikes me because I know I'm going to lose the idea unless I write it down immediately. It's taken years of trial and error to get to this point. My process is still pretty haphazard but it's what works for me.)

To write well, you have to write a whole lot of shit first. It's just a fact; my first drafts are absolute trash and I hate them a lot of the time, but I try not to get discouraged because it's just a skeleton of the final product. You're probably not going to like what you write at first, but all that means is that your skill level doesn't match your taste level yet. If you let that piece of writing sit for a while and come back to it after you've done more reading and more writing days or weeks later, you'll be able to better identify what you don't like and be able to fix it. Ideally you want to do some kind of writing every day or close to it, whether that's writing down an idea in your notes app, scribbling in a notebook on your lunch break, dedicating yourself to a practice of morning pages, or something similar. Even spacing out and thinking about your story can be productive, but only if you write down what you come up with.

Aside from discipline, being a well-rounded writer boils down to developing several core skills:

Reading: You want to read everything you can get your hands on — and I mean everything. The goal is to train yourself to identify writing that you like and to be able to explain why you like it, then employ those devices and concepts in your own writing. Even if you're only planning on writing fiction, there's still amazing writing to be found in nonfiction. (Food writing and travel writing in particular tend to be very evocative in their descriptions.) I also take inspiration from poetry for its impactful use of language. The more you read, the more ideas and stories and references you'll be aware of, and you'll be able to pull inspiration from a wider breadth of resources. If you're still in school, learning critical reading in your literature classes applies here: being able to identify themes, character traits, tropes, rhetorical and literary devices, etc. will help you develop your own preferences and taste.

Researching: I use a dictionary and thesaurus whenever I write. I have a whole folder on my computer of writing resources I've compiled over the years. I google things all the time, even really dumb stuff or basic facts just so I'm certain that I got it right. I think the old adage of "write what you know" doesn't mean that you can only write based on your life experience; rather, you can teach yourself about all kinds of subjects and write about them with a degree of certainty without having directly experienced them yourself. For example, when I write fanfiction with a Rivamika baby, I figure out what I need the kid to do (walk, say cute things, etc.) and then research infant development to see how old the child needs to be in order for these things to be realistic. I once got some feedback on Inexorable that Hana was written like a real child, which made me feel amazing because at the time I was literally never around babies. However, I was able to draw on my limited past experiences with other people's kids and my own research to portray a young toddler somewhat accurately.

Editing: It is a massively helpful skill to be able to read your own writing and approach it with a distant, critical eye. I worked on my high school and college newspapers and learned how to edit other people's writing that way. (Beta reading is a good way to practice this skill.) Being edited at the paper also taught me to stop being possessive over my own writing, even when I thought it was brilliant. Writing is about conveying ideas to another person, usually a total stranger, which means clarity is ultimately more important than adding artistic flourishes. I've also recently started using the Grammarly plugin for basic grammar stuff that I tend to forget. This also ties in with reading; the more you read, the more you'll be able to identify and replicate more effective writing, and the easier time you'll have identifying deficiencies in your own writing.

I've written enough already (I wasn't kidding about the novel) so I'll close with one last tip that is universally helpful: read your writing out loud. Most of the time, you can figure out what you want to say simply by verbalizing it or you'll realize, "Oh, no one talks like this, I would have said X in this situation" and that'll help you write more clearly and realistically.

I love talking about writing (obviously), so feel free to inbox me if you have more questions!

#writing #writeblr #writer problems #just writer things #writerslife

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sneyrwrites · 4 years

Note

hi! can i request for a levi x reader scenario where the reader is a really powerful titan shifter and levi finds out about it. slight angst and fluff would be great. im apologize if this was confusing, this is my first time requesting anything.

Don’t worry! It’s perfectly fine, and this was so fun to write i went a little overboard and this ended much longer than what i intended.

Also, this has spoilers of the last chapters of season 1, specifically, when the female titan appears! if you haven’t got there yet, feel free to send another ask letting me know and I’ll work on a spoiler free one.

Thank u for requesting! xx

|Wordcount: 3183 | |Warnings: Curse, spoilers.|

“TRUST” TITAN SHIFTER!READER X LEVI ACKERMAN

Well... things escalated quickly.

As if being a titan shifter yourself wasn’t enough, now you were in Levi’s squad and needed to protect Eren, another titan shifter like yourself. Being in the trial traumatized you, proving your fears were funded. They wanted to open him up like a fish. You wouldn’t expose your integrity like that.

Honesty was overrated.

How could you explain the fact that you couldn’t remember since when or how you got the power? You knew as much as they did about how the shift worked, being as lost as Eren was with that part of yourself. In fact, before Eren Showed up you’d thought you were one of a kind, an oddity meant to be feared, cursed to hide your real potential.

The fear of what they could do to you was enough to not share your abilities with Erwin, and when the new kid, came around you were too deep into the lie to just be like “Oh hey, by the way I’m also a titan shifter and I stood in the sidelines as hundreds of my comrades died without helping... I’m not selfish at all haha... Please don’t kill me.”

You feared what Levi would do if he found out, he’ll hate you for sure. The trust could never be earned again, he’ll be too hurt. The late night chess and tea encounters you had with him would be lost forever. You’ll be lucky if he didn’t decapitate you himself, titans had taken everything away from him after all.

The expedition was going like normal at first.

You were riding in between Nifa and Eren, wondering who would make it out alive. You trusted your squad, and you knew they were going to make it, but the people your were acquainted from other teams were in danger, and a flash of jealousy surprised you, Eren could shift if he wanted to, but you had to settle for just watching the massacre, trying to fight and save whoever you could with only those weak as fuck swords.

Your eyes went to Levi riding ahead of you, his back straight with a confidence only someone extremely strong and brave had. You admire him, and worked hard to improve inspiration by his example, your wounds heald so the only thing you had to fear was your secret being discovered.

But even so, the stench of fear was in the air, specially coming from the new recruits, the overall mood was thick and heavy, and there was also the fact that no one knew what was the mission in real life, the only thing we could do really was trust our superiors.

An hour into the expedition launched a guy from another regiment came to give the reports. You were too busy looking at the green flares shooting up in the sky as to know what he said, and for Eren’s expression you didn’t want to know either. Petra went away to carry the message under Levi’s commands and as soon as she left black smoke rose to the clouds.

An eccentric.

Dread collied in your stomach as you reached for your gun to shoot a new signal and noticed a forest of giant trees up ahead. Was Erwin really going to make you go through that titan’s den? What was going on?

The sun was blocked by the high treetops, and you and your squad made your way through the somber trail- Your exact thoughts and confusion was clear in your teammates faces, as Eren complained to Levi about the whole situation.

The new kid looked towards you, fear pooling in his green eyes, and you tried to look as calm and composed as you could, but the sweat was pearling your forehead, so it wasn’t convincing. You didn’t like the situation one bit. Turning your head to the front, you called Levi’s attention.

“Captain Levi...” You started, he turned to you and his expression softened a little, but a few tense lines remained. “Wh...” Your question was cut short by the sound of a shot, a black trail ascending behind your back. You were in deep shit.

“Take out your swords. Whatever is coming will appear all of the sudden.” Eren’s fear was almost palpable now, and as you turned to observe the signal once more you saw it.

A female titan coming from the side.

“Captain! We need to switch!” Petra’s plea to leave the horses behind to have a better chance was full of terror, but Levi didn’t react, not a single muscle constricting.

The female titan broke through a bark and a piece scared your horse, almost hitting you.

“(Y/n)!” Levi shouted, turning to you.

Once you calmed your horse down enough to have control over it, you resumed your escape, a few feet behind. Encouraging the frightened animal you tried to smile at Levi, letting him know you were okay, but his eyes were back to the front, a scowl in his features.

Looking behind you, you could see the short distance you had between the female titan and yourself. If you kept that pace she was going to catch you. And she wasn’t just an eccentric. She was just like Eren and yourself. You could see it in her focused eyes as she grabbed cables, turning and squishing your partners' bodies as if they were made of nothing but clay. An urge to transform and rip the bitch’s head off was so strong it was almost hurting you, but you had to believe in the capability’s of your commander. He must have a plan, and you and your freak power wasn’t taking into consideration. It was better to stay out of it.

But she kicked your fucking horse.

Your body flew across the air, and you could hear Petra and Oolo screaming your name, but you collided against a tree and the sound of something breaking muffled their voices, the crack reverberating into your very soul. As you were Falling to the hard floor, the only thing that was on your mind was your squad, she was about to get them and for once you were sure it was worth the sacrifice if it meant they would survive.

Rolling to your side you saw Levi’s shot a flare and the sound of an explosion made your ears ring.

That was the plan all along? To catch the fucking titan!? And to think you almost blow your cover for nothing. Fucking Erwin and his secrecy.

You tried to get up, but pain shot through your arm. For sure it was broken, and to make it worse the bone was sticking out. It would be fine in a few moments, not being that serious of a wound, but you were dangerously close to the rest of the surveys. If they saw you like that it might raise suspicions.

Sucking in a breath, you grabbed your wrist and pulled to adjust the bone back in place. The crunch and the stabbing pain making you groan The steam started to raise from the wound and a sigh came out of your mouth, the skin in your arm starting to regenerate .

“(Y/n)...?” Levi’s voice sent a shiver down your spine, and the fear nestled in your throat, constricting it. You hide your arm behind your back in a desperate and pathetic attempt to hide the truth.

You turned to him and wished you never saw him in that state. His eyes open and lost, confusion misting over his face. You looked at him fora couple of seconds, and you knew he had seen, the deep frown and his slack mouth were a clear indicative. To say he was shocked was an understatement.

“What the fuck!?” He said, drawing his blades out, the pain of betrayal flashing across his eyes. Shame rushed trough you, and your heart broke at the thought of him being disappointed. That was the last thing you wanted, but still managed to do it in your own incompetence. “You’re one of them?”

Levi took a step forward raising his sword, but you turned around and took off, incapable of stand for another moment the broken look he was giving you, his rushed footsteps followed after you. Tears slipped out of your eyes and without looking back you shot your Odm gear at the farther tree you could and allowed the pressure of the gas take you away from him and from the people you called home. Too afraid to explain yourself to them..

Levi didn’t follow after you.

You had screwed up, and badly. If only you had been honest from the beginning maybe this would’ve turned out better than it did.

Why were you even scared? Levi was trustworthy and a logical person, the fear wasn’t going to phase him enough to kill you without hearing an explanation.

Sitting on top of a branch high enough for no one to see you, you left the faucet open, and the tears fell free, sobs rocking your body. You had lost everything in only a second of careless behaviour, and now you couldn’t go back home. There was nothing left for you.

Time was lost to you, but it couldn’t be more than fifteen minutes, when your weeping session was interrupted by a terrified scream.

“Petra!” Oolo’s voice got to your ears,

Gunther and Eld could no longer tease you about your crush on some mystery man

Everything was lost in such a short amount of time.

The Tree you were sitting on trembled, and absentmindedly you looked down to its base, the smiles of your squad still on your mind.

Eren’s half head had rolled to the base.

The sight detonated something within you, almost as if your soul had broken in half, and now someone was triturating it into a million more.

A scream that would put any Banshee to shame erupted from somewhere deep in your core. Your hands grasping your hair and pulling, trying to relief in someway the anguish you were feeling.

You were going to kill her, it was all her fault. You’ve lost everything because of her.

The sharp pain on your scalp was followed by a burning hot sensation washing over you. Only half conscious of what was happening, still too shocked to realize just how things got out of hand. You got up from the floor.

When did you fall? You couldn’t remember.

Steam rose from the severed head. A lingering touch of conciousness was still present, and you felt the failure, your teammates efforts had been in vain, and you couldn’t help them in time.

Your broken cry scared the birds away, and with a blood thirst you’ve never felt before you took off, in search of the female titan.

Zooming through trees, you ran in the direction the head came from. And soon you saw her trying to run away. Eren was nowhere to be found, and that only fuel you.

You didn’t stop once you reached her, instead deciding it was best to send both of your bodies to the floor in a mess of wrestling limbs. Managing to get her under you, your fist collided against her body.

You were trying to feel anything, even if only a tingle of pain, to dissipate your frustration and grief, but the stupid titan’s body was like a protective shield.

You roared and in a desperate attempt you head-butted her, skulls cracking on impact.

The blonde titan looked at you with open and scared blue eyes, now sporting an evident bent in her forehead. If she was trying to get some kind of mercy, it was not going to happen, not after she obliterated your friends like they were just bugs, not even worthy of a second glance.

Twisting and turning behind your weight, she was desperately trying to get up, and twisting her hips she managed to throw your body away. But it was not the end. You were so lost to the pain than once you regained your balance you grabbed her once more.

Standing behind her, your fingers grasped her jaw, and you pulled up, trying to return the favor of what she did to Eren. Muscles ripped because of the brute force, as she desperately tried to claw at your arms. As you had her mouth open, you were going to keep going until you rip her to shreds, put the sight of two horrified people stopped your movements.

Your body locked up when you and Levi made eye contact, Mikasa by his side staring horrified at you. You were barely aware of the titan, still thrashing against your arms, but there was no use, you were too strong and you had the upper hand.

In a flash Levi strapped one of his hooks into the tree next to your head and dived into the female titan’s mouth, retrieving Eren’s body covered in filthy saliva. He then went back to where Mikasa was, but his eyes never left your body.

Your conciousness came back when his steel orbs caught your attention, and shame rushed through your body. There was no way you’ll confront Levi after he saw you as a titan. Mikasa grabbed Eren’s body in her arms, but you didn’t wait around to see how things would turn out.

Turning around you sprinted to the exit of the woods, once you were out, there was no way for him to catch in the open field without his ODM.

“Wait!” Levi’s screamed, but that didn’t stop you at all.

You had almost made it, but suddenly the world titled and your titan form fell face first into the ground. In that moment whatever remainded of conciousness you had abbandoned you, the las thing in your mind was Levi’s dissapointed look before everything dissapeard.

The light was annoyingly disrupting your slumber.

A groan left your lips, eyes still closed. Who opened your curtains? You always kept them close to prevent a thing like this from happening. As you tried to sit up on the bed, you couldn’t feel your forearms at all. That was weird.

“I see you woke up” Someone’s voice alerted you, and the sleepiness flew out the window.

Opening your eyes, you noticed Levi leaning against the wall in front of you. His face like stone, not a single emotion coming out of him. His storm grey eyes locked on yours, staring with an intensity that rose the hair in your neck.

Trying once more to get up you found yourself incapable. You looked at him in disbelief of his audacity.

“You fucking chopped my arms out!? What the actual fuck Levi!?” Indignation sparked in your chest, how dare he? You were planning on disappearing forever, finally letting the Survey Corps in peace.

“Was it all a lie?” The hurt in his voice stopped you mid-sentence, his words showed what his face didn’t, and it broke your soul a little bit more.

You didn’t respond, your eyes downcast. He took a step towards you, leaving his spot at the wall. You could almost feel the warmth radiating from his body, and you tensed up at his proximity.

“I asked you a question... Was it all a lie cadet?” He used his authority, the threat implied in his sentence. "(Y/N)… why?”

“It scared me… " You whispered, looking up at his impassive face. “I don’t know how I got it, and I thought… I don’t know.” You tried to swallow the knot in your throat, but it was no use. The tears would fall soon if this conversation was to continue.

“So you don’t trust me?” He claimed, an eyebrow rising in questioning.

“Don’t be dumb.” You protested, there was no use in being formal and respectful with him at the moment. “I’ve followed your ass to death a thousand times. You know more about me than myself. I told you I was scared, you’re not in charge, if someone found out before Eren showed up I was going to be executed. Just look at what happened in the court room. ”

Exasperated, Levi uncrossed his arms, pinching the bridge of his nose, almost as if he was imploring for patience. His voice was clipped and harsh when he spoke again.

“You surely don’t trust me if you thought I would allow that dumbass. I would’ve ended whoever attempted to harm you.”

A breath hitching in your throat, surprise sucker punching you in the gut. But ten times more shocking than his confession was the fact of him circling you with his arms.

His hands found the back of your head, and he guided your head against his chest. The position was surely not comfortable for him, standing next to the bed and leaning over, but still, he didn’t let go. His hand caressed your hair, and the tenderness of his touch made you cry again. Levi’s grip on you tightened, and he stayed quiet, as you let all the stress and fear leave your body in the form of tears.

You wanted to hug him back so badly, but because of your lack of arms you couldn’t do it. Once the sobs stopped, he let go of your body. His eyes scanning your red eyes and wet cheeks. You wanted to wipe your tears, so he wouldn’t see them, but it was impossible at the moment, your hands still not regenerated.

“I’m sorry about your arms. But I couldn’t let you go away like that.” He sounded ashamed, which was a kind of out of character of him. Levi’s icy fingers caressed your cheeks, as he caught a stray droplet that was sliding down your face." Erwin wants to see you in his office, but I’ll take you there when your arms grow back… Would that make you feel safer?.” He asked, concerned.

“Yeah… actually that would help.” Going face to face with the commander who you’ve been lying to for years, without a way of defending yourself was scary.

“All right.” He conceded.

As if it was the most common thing in the world Levi moved the covers away and sat by my side. A blush crept up your neck at the close proximity.

“What are you doing!?” You asked, flustered. Since when was the stoic captain so comfortable being in someone else’s personal space?

“Shut up. After everything that happened, the least you could do is let me rest. It’s been over 48 hours since I had a nap.” He laid down and pulled the covers up to our shoulders. “I’ll be more at ease if I monitor you, just in case someone tries something funny… Unless you’re opposed to the idea?” His eyes bore into your own, making the temperature of the room rise a few degrees. What were you supposed to reply? Shaking your head no you settled next to him, looking at the roof as you tried to ignore Levi’s proximity, pleading your heart to slow down, afraid he might hear it.

“Good.” He answered, closing his eyes “Oh, and (Y/n)… I’ll always have your back, you can trust me so don’t lie to me again. Got it?”

He turned around after that, his back now to you.

Your heart sped up even more, and the feelings for Levi you tried to hide for such a long time resurfaced. And, no matter what his cold demanor was, at moments like this you could tell he cared for you too.

You knew you’ll be all right if he was on your side.

✘ Masterlist

#levi ackerman x reader #levi x reader #reader insert #levi ackerman #attack on titan #attack on titan x reader #Levi #Ackerman #fanfic #one shot

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be-the-spark-flyboy · 4 years

Text

Could Use Some Love

Call It What You Want (2/?)

Series masterlist

Pairing: Med student!Poe x Reader (college AU)

A/N: This got wayyyy out of hand, and i apologize for nothing. Also this took so long cos i came up with a plot, hated it, then changed the whole plot, hated it again and now i have no plot and im just gonna see where this takes me :( what is canon I don’t her

Chapter summary: Due a broken heater situation, you end up crashing at Rey, Finn and Poe’s residence.

Word count: ~2.7k

You’ve been having an absolutely horrible week. And it is Wednesday. Work had been piling up in your internship firm, as well as in college. You’d barely slept for a total of 3 hours in the last two days and needless to say, you were totally exhausted. You had barely gotten back from work when your supervisor had called you to dump more work on you.

Great, another sleepless night.

Your tiny apartment was eerily quiet without your roommate Jessika. She told you she was staying over at her boyfriend's place for the night. It wasn’t the first time it had happened but, you hated staying alone in your apartment, especially at night.

The snow falling outside and the temperature rapidly falling in your own house did nothing to improve your mood. You pulled you knitted blanket tighter around yourself as another shiver racked through your body from the cold. Was the heater even working? It had been giving you problems for some time now, you were pretty sure it was already working way past its expectancy. You made a mental note to talk to your landlord about it, turning your attention back to your work.

Minutes pass and it only gets colder. Now it got to the point you couldn’t put your feet on the ground without recoiling. It wasn’t a good sign at all. You reach for your fuzzy slippers and pad across the room, still in your blanket, to the thermostat.

The thermostat display was working fine, but it seemed the heater wasn’t. After several minutes of walking back and forth to the heater and thermostat and several google searches later, you come to the conclusion that your heater was broken. And there was nothing you could do about it at this hour.

Your eyes well up from the frustration, a few tears falling. You try taking a few deep breaths to calm yourself, but the cold air only stings your lungs, reminding you of your predicament, mocking you. You go back to the couch, sitting cross-legged and rocking back and forth as you mind reels.

It was too cold for you to spend the night without a working heater. It was times like this that makes you want to smack yourself for not being able to make more friends. All you have is Jessika, who won’t be able to help you out right now, and Rey, who stayed with Finn and Poe in an apartment just nearby. You could ask Rey if you can crash on her couch for the night, but you felt like you were bothering her.

You had never been over to their place, despite knowing them for months now. Finn and Rey had invited you over a few times before but you always had some excuse to not go. You just weren’t that great with people, even if it was people you knew and care about.

You honestly didn’t know why Rey tried so hard to stick around you. You never made it very easy for anyone to be your friend. Your naturally aloof nature had made sure of it. Jessika has been the only one who had stuck around since middle school, and when both of you ended up in the same college, you jumped at the chance to room with your best friend.

You rub your eyes, picking up your phone. The time shows 1 am as your finger hovers above the call button on Rey’s contact. Just do it you have no choice, you try to convince yourself as you hit the call button.

---

The doorbell rings you stuff a few extra clothing and your laptop in a bag, just as Rey had instructed. You go to open the door, wrapped up in an overcoat, and hoping you don’t look as much of a mess as you feel. But Finn catches sight of your puffy red-rimmed eyes and immediately pulls you into a hug. The warmth is welcoming after feeling cold for so long, and you gladly fall into the embrace.

Thankfully Rey was still awake when you called. The second she had picked up the phone, the tears started flowing freely as the stress of the whole week hit you at once. She had managed to calm you down until you sounded coherent enough to tell her what your problem was. Both Rey and Finn were both willing to let you take up the guestroom in their apartment for as long as you needed. Rey told you she was picking you up and Finn had insisted he come along since it wasn’t safe for the two of you to be alone in this weather. They had basically shut down any apologies you sent their way, insisting it wasn’t any trouble for them.

“Rey’s waiting in the car,” Finn informs you. You sling your bag onto your shoulder. “You good to go?”

---

The first thing you noticed when you stepped into the ridiculously large living room, was the cityscape. Tiny lights twinkling in buildings as the snow fell, softer than feathers. It looked like a scene from the movies.

You can’t help the woah that you breathe out at the sight before you. You’re aware of exactly how stupid you look standing there, mouth agape, but you can’t help it. The entire apartment looks gorgeous.

Rey giggles at your expression, dragging you along to the guest bedroom. Which, unsurprisingly, is almost as big as your entire apartment. Settling your things on the table, Rey sits on the bed, gesturing for you to take a seat as well.

“You better now?” She asks flinging an arm around your shoulder. “You can stay here as long as you like, don’t worry I’m not expecting you to pay me or anything.” She jokes. “You know you can ask me if you need anything, right?”

It’s an effort not to start sobbing at her kind words. You lean your head against her shoulder. “You’re too nice to me Rey, not everyone would do this for anyone.”

Rey chuckles, “Firstly, you’re not just anyone, you’re one of us now,” she pulls back, holding your face in her hands. “And secondly, you would do the exact same thing if our positions were reversed.” You just nod, too dumb to say anything.

“Finn and Poe stay upstairs. I haven’t Poe since morning, he locked himself in his room, studying for some test I think,” she engulfs you in a bear hug before getting up. “Just knock on my door if you need anything, I’m right next door. And there are some snacks in the kitchen if you’re hungry. I’ll see you in the morning, okay?”

---

It is 3 am and Poe, utterly exhausted after an entire day of cramming for his hematology test which was probably still going to kick his ass, finally pulls his headphones off his ears. He thinks he surely looks as tired as he feels. The whole room is a mess of books, notes and granola bar wrappers strewn around, an empty coffee pot and mug on the table. He tells himself he’d clean it up tomorrow, after getting some sleep and food in his system. His stomach growls, reminding him of his hunger again and he collects the coffee pot and the wrappers and sets off to the kitchen to get something to eat before heading to bed.

His phone lays forgotten on his bedside table. He doesn’t feel like picking it up, already anticipating the number of missed texts and calls he would've received from his girlfriend. Studying medicine was hard work and time-consuming. It was easier to just pretend like his phone didn’t exist sometimes rather than try to explain to Sarah why he needed the whole day to study. He’d deal with her wrath later.

Poe sighs heavily treading down the staircase. The living room is dark and empty as expected, but there’s light coming from the kitchen. A small part of him couldn’t help but feel thankful for that. He wasn’t scared of the dark per se, but the recent horror movie had led him to question some of his life decisions. Like whether it was worth being friends with Finn and Rey. He probably would’ve walked out of the theater within less than an hour if you weren’t there, holding his hand. The memory brings a smile to his face.

Imagine his surprise when he sees you. He expected to see Finn or Rey at the kitchen, but there you are sitting at the dining table, a frown on your face as you click away at your laptop.

Was he hallucinating?

—-

You are sitting cross-legged on one of the dining table chairs. Your laptop sat on the table, alongside a few detail plans spread out, as you edit your drawings. The table in the guest room wasn’t big enough to fit the large plan drawings. So you had moved to the dining table since everyone had already gone to sleep.

You feel like you have stepped into an alternate universe where everything feels new to you. The view of the city through the full height glass window was just so breathtaking, but the large living room only feels emptier and somehow colder than your small apartment, even with a working heater. Regardless, you slowly slip into your own rhythm getting more accustomed to the almost eerie silence.

You startle when Poe calls out your name. “What are you doing here?” You look up and oh god he looks adorable. His hair is tousled and he pushes a few curls back from his face trying to tame it. He’s smiling at you, brown eyes sparkling, and it makes you feel all soft and warm inside and- and he just asked you a question. And you are just staring at him like a creep instead of answering.

“Oh, hey Poe!” You try not to cringe at yourself, hoping he hadn’t noticed you staring. Poe grimaces when you explain your whole heater situation to him.

“Well, I hope you’re comfortable,” he says. “Don’t mind me, I’ll be back in my room soon enough,” he smiles again, moving to walk past you. You hear him rummaging around in the kitchen for a few moments.

You mentally slap yourself, feeling like such an asshole. He has a girlfriend, for god’s sake. No matter how much Finn and Rey seemed to hate his girlfriend, you still feel guilty for thinking of Poe as anything other than a friend. You cuddled him in a movie theater, christ. You resist the urge to slap yourself on your forehead. What were you thinking?

For someone who just said ‘don’t mind me’, he makes it pretty hard to ignore his presence. He is back at the table and takes a seat, curiously frowning at the plan laid out before you. His cereal bowl is on the table before him, carefully placed away from the papers you had spread out. You continue your work, trying not to get too distracted by the man beside you.

“What are you doing?” Poe asks you. So you explain to him the long-winded process of the schematic drawing before you and how you need to add in the changes marked out to the 3D model in your laptop. You’re pretty sure you are rambling halfway through it, but Poe seemed to be interested enough, occasionally asking you more questions here and there. Explaining your work becomes complaining about it and soon you find yourself exchanging internship horror stories with him.

Halfway through your conversation, you hear a patter of tiny footsteps and the cutest corgi you’ve ever seen emerges from the hall. Poe immediately perks up at its arrival scooping the ecstatic canine into his arms. “Buddy! Why aren’t you sleeping?” The corgi paws at his shirt, barking and licking his face. Poe laughs, scratching its fur, “I missed you too, buddy.” You can’t take your eyes off the scene unfolding before you, heart swelling at the interaction, you’re sure you’re making heart eyes at them.

Once the corgi calms down enough for Poe to comfortably hold it in his arms, he turns his attention back to you. “This is Beebee,” he introduces his corgi to you, “My son,” You laugh and Beebee tilts his head inquisitively, looking up at you with his sparkling brown eyes. Like father like son, you think.

The bowl of cereal lays forgotten on the table as the two of you continue chatting. Well, he does most of the talking as you continued on with your work, your attention mostly focused on Poe regardless. He absentmindedly pets Beebee, who is now dozing off on his lap.

“He’s a big baby, can’t live alone. Honestly, I think anyone would go insane if they lived here alone,” Poe concludes his story of how Finn had practically begged him and Rey to come to live with him. Poe is your senior by two years and had been staying in a dorm before Finn started college.

“Big baby huh? Says the one who can’t watch a demon on a screen without looking like he’s going to cry,” you snicker, bumping his shoulder with yours.

“They’re just really scary okay? I don’t how you can sleep after watching things like that,”. He grimaces, holding Beebee closer. “Great, now I’m thinking about demons,”

“Oh no! Quick, think about something else,”

“About what? Ask me something,”

“Um... okay, how did you meet Finn and Rey?” you ask him.

“Oh that’s a long story,” and so he begins the tale of how both his parents, Shara Bey and Kes, were in the Air Force where they met and fell in love and-

“Wait, are you giving me your entire biography?” You interrupt him.

“No no, it’s relevant, trust me,” he assures you before continuing. Queue the entrance of a new character named Han, who was their best friend and was married to Leia Organa, who would become his godmother-

“Wait, Leia Organa?” You gasp, “Senator Organa is your godmother?”

“Great so you’ve heard of her-” you don’t even let him finish his sentence again.

“Heard of her? I've been a huge fan since the time she crushed the Vader dude during that debate,” he chuckles before continuing.

The story takes a somber turn when he tells you that his mother passed away due to an illness when he was 8 years old. He quickly skims over that part before telling you about going to live with his godmother in an obscenely rich neighborhood, since his father was away too much due to his work. Leia’s son Ben, apparently, was the resident asshole of the place, who hated Poe for reasons unknown to him. So Poe had resorted to making friends with the two younger children living across the house instead.

It’s an endearing story, which could’ve been told with lesser detail, in half the time. But you would be lying if you said you didn’t enjoy listening to him talk.

It’s a miracle that you are almost done with your work. Its almost 4.30 am and it occurs to you that you’ve been keeping Poe for quite some time. You see him trying to stifle a yawn in between words as he tries to narrate the story of how Finn had broken his arm trying to sneak out of the house in the middle of the night.

“Poe, don’t you have classes in the morning? Don’t you need to sleep?”

Poe feigns offense, “Am I boring you?”

“No,” you laughed. “I stay up all alone sometimes, and it gets very lonely, so thank you for keeping me company.” You answer sincerely. You are pretty sure Poe is beaming, but that could also be the side effect of not getting much sleep for days. Well at least you can sleep in tomorrow, and the guestroom bed looked really inviting. “But, you also really need to sleep,”

“Well my classes only start after lunch tomorrow- I mean today, so I still have time to sleep,” he stifles another yawn with the back of his hand. “Actually, you’re right, I need to sleep,”

BB8 is asleep, snoring lightly on his lap when he finally relents. He scoops up the corgi in one hand and the mostly empty bowl of soggy cereal on the other, dropping it in the kitchen sink.

“Good night, or is it morning already?” He flashes you a grin that makes your insides flutter.

You chuckled, “See you later, Poe,”

You’re so fucked.

---

The Dameron taglist (open):

@writefightandflightclub @arkofblake @yougottakeeponkeepinon @multifandomlife22 @skymerons @smol-peter-parker @rae-rae-patcha @demigod-dragonrider-schoolidol @spider-starry @hkmultifandom

#poe dameron #poe x reader #poe fluff #poe dameron au #college au #starwars au #poe dameron fanfiction #Starwars fanfic #me:im gonna keep this short and sweet #also me:i need to explain e v e r y t h i n g #Is this good or absolute trash #i can no longer tell #that ending was so abrupt urgh

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always-anxious612 · 4 years

Text

Magic in the Air: Chapter 6

Description: Everything is chaos with Roman, Dee, and Virgil all trying to master their magic. And If Patton can’t help with magic, then he could at least help Remus get a good grade. At least, that’s what he thought until everything started to backfire.

Pairings: roceit, analogical, intruality, platonic DRLAMP

Warnings: crying, pain mention (let me know if I missed something or you want something tagged)

Word Count: 1,529

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9

It had been a few days since Remus started practicing his makeup look on Patton. It was going pretty well in Patton’s opinion. Remus assured him that he thought it was coming along nicely as well, but Patton felt like he was frustrated for some reason. In fact, they had been beginning yet another practice session when Patton felt the odd feeling that something was ff with Remus once again. He studied Remus’s face as he leaned back to study his work so far.

“Looking fabulously gory already, Patton.” Remus grinned, making Patton raise an eyebrow. Why did it seem like frustration was practically radiating off of Remus when he seemed normal? Patton’s heart hurt a little as he tried to figure out what was wrong. He just wanted to help.

“Are you sure everything is going ok, Re?” he asked tentatively.

“Wha—of course everything’s going ok. I’ll have you looking like a broken bleeding human mess in no time.”

Patton bit his lip. He couldn’t help but feel that Remus was lying, but he didn’t really have anything to base it on other than he could just…feel it. Remus was focused on blending something on Patton’s forehead, looking unusually concentrated.

“Are—Are you sure that you’re ok?” Patton chanced asking again. Except for a subtle twitch in his expression, Remus remained focused.

“Of course, I am Patty. What’s with the questions? Not used to seeing me quiet and focused?” Remus cackled leaning back to examine what he was just working on. Patton let out a frustrated sigh and leaned back to study Remus’s face.

“Remus, please stop pretending. It’s fine if you don’t want to tell me what’s wrong right now but I know there’s something. You don’t have to pretend.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, tadpole.” Remus insisted, still smiling. Patton rolled his eyes fondly at the nickname but quickly leaned away when Remus tried to continue working. He could feel the frustration. He could feel something else too. Insecurity. Remus was radiating both emotions and Patton didn’t understand how he hadn’t noticed sooner. His heart twisted in pain. If he could just get Remus to open up, he could help.

“You do know what I’m talking about Remus. You do. Just—Just talk to me.” As soon as the words left his mouth, his heart started aching even more than before, radiating a sharp pain that wouldn’t leave. And suddenly Remus was crying through his smile. He—Patton couldn’t have—he didn’t cause—

“Calm down, Patty whack. I told you I’m fi—” he cut himself off with a sob and finally his smile slipped away.

“Wha—What? Why am I crying? When did this start? I feel fine?” Remus sniffled, trying desperately to push away his tears.

“Wait I’m sorry, Re I was too harsh. Please stop. I didn’t mean to make you cry. Don’t cry.” Patton panicked, not knowing how to respond. Surprisingly, Remus stopped at his request and wiped at his eyes. Patton’s heart clenched, his chest burning.

“Patton. What the—”

“I don’t—I didn’t. I just wanted to help you. I just want you to be able to tell me what’s wrong. Tell me what’s bothering you. Let it all out, Re Re.” Patton explained, trying to keep the edge of panic from his voice. Remus broke down again, cursing as he sobbed. He looked like he was struggling with something before finally opening his mouth.

“I’m scared I’m really not good enough to do this. What if my professor is right and I fail at the one thing I’m good at. What if I really am just a creep and a failure who no one likes. What if everyone hates my project. It’s too weird. I just want to make my professor proud. I want to make you proud. I can’t handle failing at my one passion. I can’t.” he blurted out.

“Remus.”

“What the heck. Patton, make it stop. I didn’t mean to. I feel like I can’t stop it. You—You’re doing this. Tell me to stop or—or something. Just make it stop, Patton.”

“Wha—o-ok, um, Remus, please calm down. Take deep breaths, ok? Breath for me, honey. Calm down.” Patton encouraged, drawing Remus into a hug. Remus sucked in a shaky breath and wiped at the tears streaming down his face. Patton sucked in a breath of his own. What had Remus meant he was doing this? Taking another deep breath, Patton pushed the thought aside, trying to clear his mind. After a few minutes, the sharp pain in his heart had mostly disappeared and he was much calmer.

“R-Remus, I’m so sorry for pushing you, but I’m sure you’ll do amazing for your makeup. You’re incredibly talented. But also, if your professor says it’s not good—which I can’t imagine will happen—that doesn’t mean you’re a failure. You can always improve, and you’re trying your best. It’s important that you have fun. You love makeup. If you can’t enjoy doing it anymore, then you’re putting too much pressure on yourself. Give yourself a break. What you create may not appeal to everyone but that’s fine. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, you’re incredible at the type of makeup you do. And I’m already proud of you, Re. You’re so creative and talented. Just because I don’t—I don’t exactly feel comfortable with some of the, um, darker things you make doesn’t mean I’m not proud of them or of you.”

Remus was silent and Patton was too nervous to try saying anything else. He didn’t mean to be so pushy. He really didn’t. Instead, he decided to simply hold Remus against his chest, rubbing his back in what he hoped was a comforting way.

“Patton, how did you do that?” Remus finally spoke up, his voice much softer and more vulnerable than usual.

“D-Do what?” Remus sighed and shifted in Patton’s arms, curling more into his chest.

“You—I wasn’t feeling that bad before. I was frustrated, yeah. And I guess all those thoughts were there, but when you told me to talk to you…I couldn’t stop crying. I physically couldn’t stop. When you said stop, I stopped. When you said to let it all out, I—I let it all out. I tried to stop the words. I tried to stop crying. I just—I couldn’t.”

“You think I forced you to—Remus. But that would mean that I have—But I would never. I didn’t mean to make you cry. I didn’t mean to make you tell me that stuff against your will. I would—I would never. I’m sorry. I’m sorry Remus.” Patton apologized over an over again, clinging to Remus who was squished against his chest. It wasn’t until he heard soft sniffles that Remus pulled away.

“Hey, Patty-whack, it’s ok. At this point, I’m pretty sure you have magic. And if it’s magic that we’re talking about. None of the others could really control it when they first discovered theirs either. It makes about as much sense as I do most of the time. In my opinion, you’re one of thos feelings people. What are they called? Empathy? Empass? Empath? Whatever, we’ll talk to Logan about it later, ok?” he soothed, gently wiping Patton’s tears away.

“Ok.” Patton whispered.

“Come on now. You’re going to ruin your makeup.”

“Sorry, Re.” Patton said, pausing in the process of going to wipe at his eyes.

“It’s fine. Actually, the dripping mascara kinda adds more creepy to it. I’ll have to see what I can do with that.” Remus replied, examining the makeup.

“Anyway, you can just wipe it off, we can practice more tomorrow.”

“Oh, but, um—I don’t mind starting over. I-If you like.” Patton stammered. He didn’t want to ruin Remus’s makeup practice on top of everything else.

“Pat, don’t worry about it, k? I still have plenty of time to practice. We can just relax for now, yeah?” Remus assured, tone becoming unusually caring. Sighing, Patton nodded and went to take off the makeup. He was still a bit worried for Remus, but he was sure he’d be ok. Remus wasn’t one to lose hope or be rattled easily. In fact, Remus was so tough and chaotic that it was sometimes hard to remember that he needed reassurance just like everyone else. Patton made a mental note to start complimenting him more. He deserved it anyway. And Patton, well Patton was terrified of messing up, of saying something wrong, of not being able to help those he cared about but…he’d be ok too, eventually.

When Patton returned to the living room, Remus had packed up all of his makeup supplies and had started a Disney movie.

“Hey, Patty! Check this out! Bet you didn’t know I could do this with my tongue!” Remus called from the couch. Patton couldn’t help the giggle that slipped out of his mouth. Yeah, Remus would be alright, and Patton would do better at helping him and learning to not be so, um, pushy when it came to good and gross. As for his apparent magic, he’d talk to Logan about it eventually. Today though, he’d rest. And with Remus cuddled to his side, that’s exactly what he did.

Taglist: @catolicabuena @look-ma-im-on-tv @its-always-the-witching-hour @sure-i-exist @wellhellothere09 @star-crossed-shipper @cemmy @lila-lupus

#crying tw #pain tw #roceit #analogical #intruality #platonic drlamp #ts patton #ts logan #ts roman #ts virgil #ts deceit #ts remus #sanders sides #sanders sides fics #my fics #cait writes #ts magic au #ts human au

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nico-idc · 4 years

Text

random vent because i'm numb rn and feel like it

This is a vent post, ill probably talk about su!cide, self h*rm, eating disorders and depression. I’ll also cuss a lot, and things will not be censored. Also, this may seem insensitive to people experiencing any of this, sorry about that. Dont read this if youre triggered by that.

Also, this is my experience with mental health. Everyone deals with it differently.

So, If anyone doesnt know, I have depression and anxiety. And right now, I’m feeling numb as it’s often described by people with depression. But, numb isn’t a very good description. I can still feel. I’ll still smile if you tell me a joke, or if something funny is on a video. I’ll still cry if there’s something super sad. Emotion is just watered down. I feel it, but not as much as I should. Me and my boyfriend were talking, and i couldnt tell him I loved him. It’s not becuase I dont love him, but I just cant feel much of anything, so I dont want to tell him I loved him. Becuase If i did that, I felt as though I was lying. The funniest thing is, I randomly started crying. Still felt nothing, but hey, I had tears streaming down my face. Who fucking knows why.

I havent been doing to great for a while now, but this is the worst i’ve ever gotten. Ive never felt numb before. I mean, I’ve felt myself starting to go through the motions, but i’ve never gone completely numb before. And before this i’ve had a few mental breakdowns. Hell, I’ve sat in a corner twice in the past month or so doing nothing but sobbing and begging myself not to move so I dont grab something sharp and cut myself. (I did not relapse, don’t worry). and recently I completely broke down over simply eating a cereal bar, got through it, ate it. I’m good now.

Figures. That does seem to be my experience. Oh no, big bad issue one time, then magically I just talk myself out of my bullshit, and im fixed. Ha ha, yet I act like I have all these issues. I mean, I didnt even attempt to starve myself, just thought “oh, friends and family wont let me” and didnt. Had a breakdown about a year later, been fine since. Cut for a few months, went to therapy for a few months, stopped cutting. had a few breakdowns about a year or two later, then was fine. was suicidal for a while, went to therapy for a bit, was happy for months. Had breakdowns every now and then, fine now.

ha ha, first time I say alot of this is online. Figures. I’ve done that a lot too. My boyfriend has found out a bit about my depression through this site. Becuase I cant talk to my boyfriend about my shit, but hey random people on the internet! hear about my problems.

So on another note, I recently found a song that describes part of depression pretty well. It’s called “i’m not dead” by boyinaband. it’s linked below, I’ll copy paste the lyrics, and explain how I relate, and what the lyrics mean to me, becuase why not? (lyrics will be in bold)

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youtube

I'm not dead

I'm not fixed, but I'm not giving up yet

Basically, this means that im still here, im still depressed, but I’m still trying to fight depression.

I'm sick of saying that I still don't have anything done

I hate telling friends I'm trying something just to give it up

I never commit to anything, I just say I’ll do something, then decide I dont want to.

I'm still unsure of my emotional state

I'm still incapable of focusing lately

I don't feel like creating

I'm tired of asking Google how to find motivation

I’ve been on break from writing for months now. tried to get back to it, lost concentration. I think this is self explanatory.

I don't think I've ever made

Something that's as good as I'm capable of

Ha, I dont put in enough effort and commitment to make something as good as possible.

I hate not having a reason to look my best

I only ever take care of myself with the intent to show the internet

I mean, I dont try to show the internet, but I only take care of myself when other people will see me.

If what made me successful was an imposed sense of stress then

I am so so glad that I hated myself

The only thing that makes me do things is extreme stress.

I didn't luck into this position

I struggle with decisions

I mean, im not in any high position, but I do struggle with decisions.

I wouldn't be my own friend

I'm too inconsistent

I’m inconsistent as hell. I’m in like 10 group chats, don't talk in any of them for months, then just show up like “hi, havent talked to you all in ages, but hi”.

Without immense pressure nothing ever gets finished

If these words make it to your ears it'll be a fucking miracle.

Yep. I went on whole rant about this on wattpad. Without pressure to do something, I don’t do it.

I'm fortunate to know more good people than most do

I wish I had more friends I could be physically close to

I dont personally have a lot of friends that dont live in my city, so the last line isnt an issue, but I do know a lot of good people”

I'm pretty good at like 20 different skill sets

At the expense of never being great at any one of them

I’m good at quite a few things. Drawing, math, even writing. But im not great at it. I’m average.

I wish this beat hit harder

I wish more syllables rhymed

I know 99 percent of people really don't mind

I dont personally relate to this, seeing as I dont make music.

I think collaborating forced me to finish things

'Cause I was terrified of wasting famous people's time

Oh yeah. Group projects would not get done if i wasnt scared of wasting my partner’s time.

I wish I could focus on what I define priority

I wish I was as grateful as I want to be

Dont really relate to these things

I wish I knew more people who were mentally stable

But if I did,

I wouldn't let them waste their time on me while I'm disabled

Oh yeah. Id love to have a friend who isnt depressed, but I wouldnt let them see that im fucked up becuase i dont wanna drag them down.

I feel alone

I know I'm not

I have a lot of friends, but I still fell alone in this world

I used to talk to lots of people.

Lately I've stopped

They didn't deserve it,

I've been a terrible friend.

But I couldn't bear to let myself become boring to them

I ignore group chats all the time. no reason. Probably shouldnt.

I don't let myself get my hopes up.

I love people who do.

Something good happens? what could go wrong? that is my thought precess.

I never know if what I say I feel is the truth

I have no damn Idea what I think, so its so hard to know what the truth in my head is.

I wish I didn't instinctively try to be less specific

So more people could relate, when they read along with the lyrics.

Not lyrics, but if i write/explain something, I immediately generalize things so its relateable.

I can be happy in the moment

I am not when I reflect

I smile watching youtube, but then I look back and think about how I wasted time.

I distract myself with gaming, waiting to get better

I hate it

Youtube will cure depression right? /s

I wanna do the most good, and prevent the most hurt

But I've gotta put on my own oxygen mask first

This is just an important phrase I try to remember when I’m down. for people who dont do well with metaphors, he’s saying that if you want to help people, you need to help yourself first.

I can't predict what I'll do.

I can never be sure

I am terrified of making promises any more

I can't face my work,

I feel sick from the word

I genuinely believe I'm capable of changing the world

Don’t relate much here, except for the more positive, upbeat tone the song takes on, and i feel that this part, the part above and everything below is dave fighting his depression.

I still think I can get better

I’m holding onto hope.

I still think I can create and get pleasure from it

I hope so, I want my art and writing to improve.

I'll keep aiming to make my emotion and my logic agree

The eternal stuggle. I always try to get the two to line up, it rarely works. I try to use logic more often though.

And become the best version of me

Always trying to improve myself.

I don't want to stop!

There’s alot this could mean. I dont want to stop creating. I dont want to stop fighting. I dont want to stop getting better. I dont want to stop living. I relate to all these things.

I’ll expand on this more later, it’s too late now for me to continue this

#cussing tw #swearing tw #tw suicide mention #tw self harm #tw eating disorder #vent post

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brinytrolls · 4 years

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heyy!! i really like your work and think you're SUPER MEGA cool, and hope you get REALLY good at animating!! drawing is the first step, so making it move is the next haha. (once i save enough for a tablet i'll practice a lot!!) but i have a question: how do you improve as an artist? do you actively seek out critique or does it come with time and sub-conscious decisions to not do the bad thing anymore? what did you do? love you, keep fredding on!! ----some stupid idiot who wants to be anonymous

thank u anon this is super sweet!!! it means a lot<3

also ive been an animation student for 5 years now so i know a little bit but probably, less than i should.....i do Not practise enough

as for tips! let me try and compile a short list of things that help me!

• u hear it all the time but its true-practise practise practise!!! sketchbooks, digital, whatever strikes ur fancy. practising is the MOST important thing u can do

• understand and research the basics. you dont need to be an expert on anything, god knows im not, but its good to know a bit! this includes but isnt limited to:

colour theory! why colours go together, what colour schemes look good, etc. heres some basics on it! personally

[i also find symbolism of colour just as important. obviously symbolism varies from person to person and culture! but heres a quick guide on the usual symbolism of colour. if something sounds wrong to you though, mess with it yourself!]

tthe form of subjects-this means drawing basic shapes, and using them to construct [basically] anything! the idea is its much easier to draw and move around a series of cubes and cylinders, than a whole human body. heres a guide on how form works.

draw a box is a challenge recommended to me by my lecturer for improving on drawing shapes and forms! i highly recommend it!

value and lighting are important! heres an explanation on value. im not sure much can be done to cheat lighting and value, except for master studies (we’ll get to that shortly!) and observation.

the most useful tip on value ive learned, is to turn your art black and white, and see if it all has enough contrast without colour. if not, time to work on the values!

composition, babey. how subjects are arranged in a piece. heres a bunch of stuff on it [im still learning this one...rule of thirds i will Die for tho]

anatomy! this is the hardest shit. i still dont get it. my lecturers recommend andy loomis [heres a pdf of his figure drawing book] idt his way was quite up my alley, but u never know!

• speaking of anatomy-life drawing is an INCREDIBLY useful reference. so goddamn useful, u dont even know. they help u figure out anatomy! this includes gesture studies, and more detailed things. i recommend googling how a typical life drawing class goes down/tips for it

life drawing classes are very difficult to access atm, so here are a couple of online resources! [all of these will obv contain nude bodies]

croquis cafe-contains free videos that simulate a life drawing class! videos are more useful than images. has a variety of ethnicities and body types, which is wonderful!

line of action- a site with a variety of images on figure drawing, animal drawing, as well as hands & feet, expression/face focus, and environmental things. you can set it to play as a slideshow for as long as u like, or set it up to be similar in timing to a real life drawing class

online stock photo artists such as senshistock, who has compiled a useful little list of similar accounts over here!

• reference reference reference!! references are so incredibly useful, and anyone who tells you using a reference is cheating is wrong on every conceivable level. reference from photos, from movies, from videos, everything.

something ive had to do in every level of art education is recreations and master studies.

this means collecting artists work from professionals-be it historic painters, movie screenshots, concept artists, anything!

it makes you focus on their compositions, how the lighting works, the colours used, pretty much everything.

this is useful bc it can 1: get you out of your comfort zone and 2: make you use new techniques you might never have considered

online tools such as designdoll and justsketchme have poseable models for you to pose as you please and reference from! suuuuper useful, especially for perspective poses.

• experimentation! fuck around. use brushes youve never used before, try a new medium, collect every free sample from the craft store and just Do Shit with it.

• absorb every goddamn piece of art u have ever come across, and save what you enjoy.

and i mean save everything you enjoy. u like a movies lighting? a certain shot? an outfit? a random piece of fanart u came across? save it! look at it, figure out what it is u like

make a private pinterest board or a folder on ur computer, save everything.

absorb and yank bits from art u enjoy. obviously dont imitate someones entire style, but if u like the way someone draws hands, or noses, or eyes, reference it. recreate it. see what u like, and incorporate it into ur own art

art is a big mess of taking things u like and making it ur own

• study professionals! animations, artists, illustrators. they know what they’re doing.

heres a useful resource with a lot of rare concept art from animated movies! i go here a lot.

buy art books, or acquire pdfs of them, im not a cop, i dont care

• as for critique, i do look for critique, and pay attention to it, but it’s important to know not to take it personally. and i recommend asking people whos opinions you value!

i think thats all i can think of right now in terms of General Art....

if u want me to elaborate on anything or show me art, ask for help or just talk art stuff [character design is my fav and my speciality, ive been studying it for a while 👀] please dont be afraid to dm me or just send me another ask!

best of luck anon, i rly hope this helps! :D

#thats a lot of writing im so sorry #fredspeak #long post #Anonymous #ask #text

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