#explaining this to people makes them sad so it is a lot easier to blame it on the weed vape in shorthand

[dredshirtroberts]

the saddest thing about my life to this point is that because of it, if I talk just slightly "too much", or I want to sing for longer than like a couple notes of a song (especially at an audible volume), or I start laughing in earnest, or I've eaten something delicious, i start coughing. This is because my body is so unfamiliar with the sensation of having a good time that it freaks out and over-produces phlegm any time i'm utilizing my throat because it has no idea how much we're supposed to need for this shit.

I spent most of my life not talking, or laughing with my whole being. (i did sing a lot but normally as part of a group and i was afraid of being heard and judged to be as bad as my sister told me i was at singing, so if i'm audible it's more likely to make my throat freak out). The eating thing may not be connected, but like. any time i've enjoyed a food, my throat's like "mmm we need more lube in here" and then BLAM phlegm city while i choke on it.

And then of course if my throat is raw from coughing because of the aforementioned things, you know what it likes to do? make more phlegm to lube that shit back up. Which makes me cough.

You'd think staying hydrated would fix this problem but no! in fact it does not! it can sometimes make it worse! my body is a horror show and existence is a nightmare! :D

[gothhabiba]

can i ask for you to elaborate on your issue(s) with those 'male positivity' posts? is it with the whole sentiment, or just with the "you're allowed to be angry" part? i agree w "you're allowed to be angry" being an oblivious at best statement. but i don't see any issue with the first two statements themselves (the "OP says..." and "commenter says...")

yeah so I already talked about some of this in the tags to those posts but sure, let's get into it.

OP says "if you’re a boy with a mental illness, a boy with a disability, a boy with a history of abuse, a boy who has an eating disorder, a boy with trauma, I need you to know that you are not a burden, that you don’t need to 'harden up', that you shouldn’t just have to 'get over it,' and that you are very brave" commenter says "once I transitioned I saw the change in people being like ‘Oh you poor thing I hope you’re coping alright’ to ‘Just get over it and man up’. Men, you’re allowed to suffer."

the implication of the original post is that men with these issues are told to 'toughen up' or 'get over it,' and conversely that women are not. the commenter then makes this subtext explicit by outright saying that people reacted more sympathetically to his trauma when they read him as a woman than when they read him as a man (at which point they switched to "just get over it"). the OP responds favourably to this addition, proving that the subtext "women don't experience this" was in fact subtext that they intended to be there.

I hope I don't have to explain how utterly absurd it is to claim that women have it easier in this regard, or that their emotions are granted more leeway or sympathy in any meaningfully systematic way. that is just MRA logic.

of course people's ideas about suffering, endurance, trauma, & emotion are gendered! people really do say things about how boys and men should just toughen up and not cry, &c. &c. MRAs, like a lot of other reactionary groups (like TERFs and SWERFs, or antisemites / white supremacists / conspiracy theorists who understand that something's not right with the economy but end up blaming 'minorities' instead of capitalists), take an idea with some truth in it somewhere, but twist it around into a conclusion that the idea in question does not entail on its own (here, "women are allowed to express emotion and garner sympathy by doing so") in a way that leads to resentment, disdain, & hatred for a marginalised group.

so, if it's true that (negative) emotion is thought of as a feminine weakness, why doesn't that translate to women being "allowed" to experience and express emotion, while men are not? for one thing, race has a lot to do with this—the myth of the Black "superwoman," for example, praises Black women for being (read: expects them to be) "tough," "strong," "brave," endless wellsprings of emotional / physical / financial support for others while requiring and receiving no support themselves. the assertion that women receive sympathy for their suffering thus reveals a serious ignorance of Black feminist thought on the part of the person making it.

for another thing, displays of emotion (mostly "negative" emotion, such as sadness) being thought of as primarily feminine means that women have to take especial care to avoid them in many circumstances, not that they're able to freely indulge in them! women's supposed heightened emotionality means that they're less likely to be thought of as capable of serious work, less likely to be promoted or hired, more likely to be financially and professionally penalised for any time they do display any negative emotion (or, rather, the other way around—the myth of women's heightened emotionality is used as an excuse to suppress women's earning potential & make them financially dependent on, and thus exploitable by, men).

on an interpersonal level, you're highly likely as a woman (and especially as a woman of colour) to have fairly mild displays of emotion be interpreted as hysteria, extreme anger, irrationality, volatility. you're highly likely to have your allegations of abuse disbelieved.

on an institutional level, you're highly likely to receive disdain and contempt if you engage in disordered eating habits or try to seek help for them, to have a request for help denied or neglected (disordered eating is just, sort of, what women do). you're also more likely to have a request for help turn into involuntary institutionalisation or psychiatric abuse (a lot of work has been done on the relationship between psychiatry and gender).

also on an institutional level, you are less likely to be believed about the pain you are in as a disabled, chronically ill, or otherwise sick woman (again, especially a woman of colour). you are less likely to receive medical care. you are less likely to have anyone give a shit about the pain you're in, since women are so emotional and melodramatic that you are probably exaggerating, and anyway, being in pain is just sort of women's natural state. you are certainly very unlikely to get any kind of medical care if you're a middle-class cisgender white (read: desirable) woman of 'childbearing age' & the extreme pain that you're in would require risk to your fertility to treat.

there's so much more I could go into here. the basic idea is that properly analysing the relationship between emotion, communication, trauma, abuse, race, class, gender, and the uses of rhetoric that references any of the above (e.g. "boys don't cry") is an enormous undertaking. any claim that implies that women (which women?) wholesale receive more sympathy than men (which men?) do for abuse or other pain that they experience, or that they are more free to express that pain, is both inconsistent with reality on a base level, and incredibly irresponsible. the fact (if it's even true) that "girls" are punished less for crying than "boys" does not a whole picture make.

and, like, think about it. we're living in a patriarchy wherein women are expected to care for and sympathise with men, to forgive men for varied wrongdoings in the family & in romantic relationships, to coddle them in order to avoid or appease their anger, to perform (depending on their class position) various kinds of domestic labour and social / planning work for men without recompense, acknowledgement, or thanks (because knowing how to do and plan housework is just, like, women's natural state of being)—a system where the family and the home faciliate and cover for mass amounts of traumatisation and abuse, including sexual abuse, of girls and women—a system wherein trans women are highly likely to be traumatised and yet disciplined out of expressions of anger or upset under threat of social exile—a system wherein cisgender women cannot be allowed to become too wary of or angry at men (read: too unwilling to continue marrying them and performing a significant role in the social reproduction of their class). how on earth could such a system also enable (rather than allowing for occasional escape valves for, but mostly seeking to supress or transform) women's free expression of upset, sadness, trauma, anger...?

this is the same kind of logic that leads people to believe and spread nonsense such as "people believe women who come forward about being abused and not men," which is just demonstrably inconsistent with everything that we can observe about reality.

[whateversawesome]

SxF Chapter 91: Perspective, History, Empathy

Let me start by saying that I didn't think this chapter would make me so emotional. Was it the same for you?

A small side character like Millie, who we saw only as one of Yor's annoying co-workers, turned out to have a very sad backstory and gave us a glimpse of how things are for young people in Ostania.

This chapter talks a lot about people understanding and misunderstanding each other. Millie was just talking about her own experience and feelings, she was explaining why it was so difficult for her to help during an event like this, and that lady felt personally attacked because she saw things from her own point of view and her sufferings.

In no way the story discards any of those ladies' sufferings; what they went through during the war was very difficult, I'm sure. Nevertheless, comparing their sufferings and demanding Millie to act the same way just because they were able to do it, it's not right.

They both had different experiences because their circumstances were different, so they face life in their own way. That's exactly Yor's point.

Here, Yor demonstrates her best quality (and one of the many reasons why her husband fell in love with her): Emotional strength.

I've said it before and I'll say it again; Yor is a very emotionally intelligent character. The way she stood up for Millie displayed all her emotional strength. She called out that woman in such a smart way!! She wasn't rude but her words were true and very wise.

One of the most important things Yor mentions is that we cannot bear the same load because we're different. And I couldn't agree more👏

Also, if we take it as a metaphor, Yor is such a strong person because she carried a very heavy load: as a child and an orphan, she had to take care of her brother. Because of this, a naturally kind person like her had to learn to murder in order to survive.

It was a beautiful chapter. On top of everything, we learned a few important things:

1.Yor did lose her parents during the war and because of the war.

2.Donovan Desmond did NOT start the war. But plenty of young people like Millie don't know that, so it's possible that since he was Prime Minister during most of the war, he gets blamed for starting it.

3.Donovan Desmond is hated by many. That's probably the reason why he's no longer in office. And it also wouldn't be surprising that the majority of people in Ostania who voted against him want to move on from the war.

3.Melinda still wears her wedding ring and, even though she's separated from her husband, she still counts him as an important person for her. I guess, you can hate a person's actions and opinions, hate what they have become, but care about them at the same time...their marriage is complicated.

4.Not only Yor and Twilight fear the SSS because of their jobs. The general population do too because they know rich and powerful people can make them disappear regardless whether they are spies or not. That means arrests and disappearences of innocent people are common.

5.There was a repression during war time. This means the state controls and restricts certain rights of its citizens. When war happens, the state may determine it's necessary to protect their country and citizens. Chances are that policing of others started then and Ostanians got used to living like that.

And now some questions:

Was Melinda being sincere? In my opinion yes (for the most part). Melinda is no longer campaigning for her husband. In fact, she's going there incognito. Since her husband is no longer the Prime Minister and they don't have any elections to win, she doesn't have to support this types of events. If you think about it, once a politician retires from the public eye, their spouse generally goes back to their normal life.

Something that caught my attention was that it was mentioned Melinda has a lot of enemies; probably because her husband has a lot of enemies too. If that's the case, it would be easier for Melinda to move abroad, where she could have a care-free life, yet, she has chosen to stay in Ostania. Why?

Melinda is still a very mysterious character. We don't know her plans or intentions. We don't know why she separated from her husband. My only guess is that she's suffered a great deal and that's why she's able to empathize with Millie, even though their experiences are different.

What do you think?

Bonus (to end on a light note):

This is the Sxf when we see Yor 😄

[doraambrose]

When it comes to the Victim Blaming Grief coping one of the big things that makes it an issue is that he actually did it to Jason's face (in Hush as it was retconned to be Jason he said that too).

And, when Jason comes back it stops being grief for the dead, it becomes grief for the wounded. And people victim blame people who were hurt too. This is how they cope, however this coping mechanism always hurts the victim and is a genuinely bad coping mechanism that shouldn't be used. It's harmful. It's harmful to the victim and it is harmful for the other people who might be grieving. It's probably one of the most selfish coping mechanisms.

I've experienced people using this method in real life and it's rough. And it's toxic. Saying you can't criticize the way someone grieves is flawed because you are rarely the only one grieving and I personally have been harmed during a period of shared grief. And I am sure other people have been too because grief brings out the bad in people but that doesn't mean all is forgiven.

Like, imagine if Jason was just comatose and all the victim blaming happened and then Jason just woke up and found out all Bruce had been saying about him? Would Jason's feelings be justified then?

Also, saying the deceased person doesn't matter when they die disregards a lot of religious and spiritual beliefs around honoring the dead.

I feel like Jason is as justified as any other person harmed when someone copes with toxic way in being upset. Jason's death is also a traumatic thing that happened to him. Centering Bruce's feelings while disregarding Jason's as unjustified doesn't feel fair. Especially considering the incident where Bruce took Jason to Ethiopia to try to trigger Jason's memories of what brought him back without his consent.

(Sorry if this was a bit much, I've experienced a decent amount of the bad sides of grief in my life and feel strongly about it)

Okay, so I feel like I need to re answer my previous post because I was struggling to find the right words and also at work, but I think I've figured it out.

One thing to keep in mind is when we talk about feelings, grief, and emotions, there's not a set right or wrong. I also mentioned that I don't like the word justified in this case because it sounds like right or wrong. I did use it at the end, but I'll get into that here. This is a very gray area subject matter and that makes it tricky and you're never gonna find an answer that everyone agrees with because it's not really as fact based as if I said "batman wears a cape sometimes" or "dick grayson is nightwing".

The first thing that comes to mind for me is what my therapist tells me when I feel guilt over feelings. She would tell me "anything you're feeling is valid, you're allowed to be upset, angry, sad, jealous, etc. It's how you act on those feelings.. something I can't remember atm lol". So when I say jason isn't justified, I'm saying that he's allowed to be upset and angry and his feelings are valid, it's not right to actively take it out on the family and hold it against them and be sort of malicious or harmful. And i know theyve done that plus some towards him, but its important to remember that you can only control your own actions and even if someone is being toxic and harmful, that doesnt mean you should too. I think I didn't explain that right and there was some miscommunication. I also wanted to explain why I felt that jason would be angry.

As for this comment, both of these asks were right. Grief can be harmful and toxic. And before I say what I'm going to say next, keep in mind that I'm discussing grief alone and not any of the stuff post utrh that Bruce has done to jason that's harmful and abusive. This toxic kind of grief doesn't make the person a bad person. They can't help it. It's your brain going crazy to try and cope with something traumatic. When my dog died, I wanted to sue my vet, even though they didn't really so anything wrong. It's easier to have someone in front of you to blame. I'm not saying it's right or okay, but it does happen and it can be harmful, but you're not a bad person for it. (In Bruce's case, he's a bad person for all the other shit he's pulled outside of this)

I think these two asks are like at the opposite ends of this topic and I think it's something that you can meet in the middle with. So basically

Yes, grief can be toxic and harmful, but it's also very much a subconscious phenomenon and it's extremely personal and different for everyone and alot of times, people are unaware of what they're doing.

Because of that, jason can be hurt by it, he can be angry,etc. His feelings are valid, But it's not fair to activey hold that over Bruce forever, which he doesn't, this seems more like a fanon thing btw. But it also doesn't hurt to apologize afterwards.

I think when you say that the idea of not critiquing the way someone grieves is flawed, it comes off as unempathetic. Because as someone who has had to grieve alot of the past few years, it's the worst feeling. And your brain is literally scrambling to cope with it so you don't actively lose your shit and sometimes it ends up with some unhealthy Coping mechanisms. And you're usually unaware of what you're doing. I feel like you're not thinking of how the other person is feeling or what they're going through. And fair is fair, they need to see what you're feeling too and actively try to remedy things at some point, there just needs to be more patience and empathy all around and trying to remember that this person is not always intentionally being malicious.

I'm a religious person. So I see where youre coming from, but nobody said the deceased doesn't matter. I think the point was more that you don't have to worry as much about how that person is feeling or thinking because they've moved on to a better place, you should focus on self care and doing what's best for your mental health.

I am also 100% not trying to center around Bruce's feelings and discredit jasons, in fact, the last post was 100% about jasons feelings.

In summary, there's not "justified" or "right" or "wrong". It's super complicated, varies from person to person, and is a tricky subject matter. Everyone's feelings are valid and there definitely needs to be more empathy and patience on all sides, but there are still actions that have been made on both sides that aren't the best and can be hurtful or toxic. I hope this all makes sense and I worded it right :)

[dragynkeep]

(Sorry for dragging this topic back but) I don’t think Taiyang is abusive. However, I’m personally annoyed with how flippantly the show treats Taiyang’s parenting because its so half assed [how they depict it], me thinks. Granted, I haven’t watched past Volume 3, so that might be coloring my perception and I don’t have all the details, but it would have been so much better showing the effects of Yang taking care of Ruby at a young age, and Ruby being taken care of by someone literally 2 years older than her, with Taiyang absent and Qrow presumably away a lot.

Firstly, the show is way too ambiguous with it. How does Ruby feel about it? How does Qrow? Hell, does Taiyang ever talk to Yang about that? Is there even some sort of “sorry I was kind of out of it in your formative years” “Hey, don’t worry about it, since you’re here now and I know you’re doing your best and I’m glad we’re talking about it now”???

What did Yang have to do to help? Did she have to make Ruby’s breakfast and/or her own? Did she have to take her to and from school? Help her get showered? Clean their room? Wash their clothes? Could this tie into Yang’s recklessness and supposed overprotectiveness? Was there a babysitter? How much does Qrow contribute to their household and in what way(s)? What would have let Taiyang leave a cabin of two kids in/near the woods in a world where creatures like Grimm exist (was someone supposed to be watching them, did Tai have an emergency, did he just up and fucking leave, how long was he gone, was Qrow there, etc)? I know some of these are uncharitable perspectives but we aren’t getting any details and this stuff happens far more often than people think.

It just hits too close to my own home situation, where my mom would literally be in the house and not help with chores or talk to us much, but just stay in her room on hours long calls with her neighbor while adultifying my older sister, because my mom was also an adultified first born girl and refuses to deal with that, and seeing the show just drop this plot point without explaining how we got from Taiyang being sad to Taiyang being Best Dad (TM) is actually triggering to me.

I think another reason why people don’t like Taiyang is the same reason why people don’t like Ozpin, and that’s because the show gives these nonsensically contradicting traits or moments or descriptions, and its so confusing that its easier to do the time-old RWBY fan manouver and just tweak each scene to how you originally percieved the character.

Is Ozpin a manipulative shadow leader or a tragic figure who just wanted to help the world? I dunno, the show’s too busy trying to get people mad about BIIIIIIRDS to actually deal with either the fact that Ozpin willingly sent a bunch of first years to a third year mission to stop terrorists who then cause The Breach, or the fact that Salem abused him.

Is Taiyang a parent genuinely trying his best or a neglectful jerk who can’t even see his kids at the Vytal Tournament? I dunno, I know literally nothing about this man except he shows up at the ass end of Volume 3 and start of Volume 4, and any meaningful description of what he might be as a parent is muddled by the fact that his kids love him but he invites Peter the creepy teacher and tricked Qrow into wearing a skirt because “MaN sKiRt FuNnY”. I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel about him, there’s really both too much and too little going on with him.

honestly agree, & this seems to be a consistent problem with a lot of peripheral characters like the parents where we're told one thing & shown another. the belladonnas are another excellent example of it where like, we're told they're amazing parents & they love blake more than anything but also didn't do anything when she ran away to a supposed terrorist organization, exposed her to violent protests as a child, told her it was her job to tame violent men around her as a woman, & allowed her to blame herself for all the trauma she's carried for years.

shown one thing, told another. should be rwby's motto really.

[vesselsscarlet]

I sent some asks to crow that never got answered so im not sure if im one of the anons you are referring to specifically. The last ask i sent was one giving my thoughts on extending the deadline as a creative myself. I cant remember all i said, but i was suggesting working on the project somewhat before you decide on whether or not to extend the deadline, suggesting that might be the best way to ensure the best quality final project. I was trying to give a suggestion as a creative, not trying to compare your project to my own creative projects, but it might have come off wrong.

I never sent anything in for a lot of personal reasons. Having my letter perceived by vessel was nervewracking, having my letter perceived by you two was nervewracking, im nervous about interacting with pretty much everyone online for reasons id rather not get into, and because the way you two were talking about the lack of submissions had me doubting my letter would ever get to vessel to begin with and having less letters sent had my fears of being perceived even stronger.

So maybe my suggestions arent particularly welcome because of that, i can understand that. I also was, to be perhaps a bit too blunt, frustrated with your frustration and to some extent or another passive aggressive. But for that last bit, thats unfair of me and i should be more considerate. Im sorry you two are struggling so much with this project not turning out as you wanted, and if i badly handled the asks i sent thats on me. Please try to take care of yourselves, stay safe, etc

Hey anon.

First of all, thank you for understanding and also saying sorry. It means a lot.

The asks Crow received were mostly by a lot of anons, so we cannot actually tell which ones were yours and which not. But the quantity of anon-asks and us being frustrated, with the wordings of some asks (again, we don't know who the anons behind them were) made us upset and also very sad. Because we wanted to make that happen for all of you. The simple reason why we didn't want to extend the deadline was because we announced the ideas back before Christmas 2023. So there was plenty of time. And one can send us a DM and ask for more time if it was needed. We would have found a way.

But being passive aggressive and frustrated because we were (I hope you understand why we were upset etc.) didn't make it easier for us, and we lost motivation in this one. Because we felt like – we are not doing anything worth for Vessel to see, or thinking that you guys would not appreciate it in the end etc. We had serious doubts why we actually had wanted this to work and why we were still putting our hearts in it.

Its fine if you didn't submit anything in the end because of said personal reasons. We cannot blame you on this. But...

But... I don't want to repeat myself again.

It would have been a part of a project anyways.

Vessel would have gotten your message, maybe not in the book we aimed to do but maybe for another project. And we ensured that. Many times. So I don't understand this... We don't want to repeat ourselves all the time.

What I personally don't understand is the part of you being frustrated because we were frustrated. You are allowed to explain it but we were just because of reminding people and constantly dealing with asks of things that we already answered or getting compared to different projects, asking why it was the case of not getting too many submissions, extending the deadline etc. etc.

We decided to take a look if my final words ever reach people and what they say to it.

And then we decide what's best.

One is for sure:

This project isn't going to be handed over this year by me to Adam or Sam.

– Lia

Crow said to this:

After dealing with condescending and passive aggressive asks, I simply didn't feel like answering anything that is not an actual question regarding the project because it only brings in other anon asks and it's a never ending cycle of the same stuff, that I don't want to deal with anymore.

[catflowerqueen]

While today’s episode was heartbreaking, it also revealed something that, in retrospect, might explain some of Moon’s worse habits and some ways the brothers are actually more similar than we all thought. Mainly, how Sun just revealed that part of the reason he has been so adamant and compulsive about cleaning the barrels is because he wants to stay busy and keep his mind off his guilt and negative thoughts. Both Moon and Earth have noticed how run down this is making Sun—which is why it reminded me of Moon in early November, where he was literally working himself to exhaustion and the point of passing out trying to find all of Eclipse’s back-ups. And even more recently, he has been working himself into exhaustion and dimension-hopping despite admitting how tired it makes him (with Sun even noting that he likely just worked through all that in the past, as well).

Moon asked Sun before the memory wipe if he still heard Bloodmoon’s echoes, because the people you kill never really leave you. In doing so—and in some of the memories he mentioned when he dove into his mind searching for KC—he pretty much admitted that he also hears echoes and suffers from the same guilt and doubt Sun now feels. And, I mean—we already know he felt guilty for how he treated Sun in the past and the way Moon blamed himself for Eclipse existing in the first place. So I feel like it is very reasonable to assume that Moon also tries/tried to deal with such feelings by basically keeping himself so busy that he never had time to think of them. And we all know how that worked out for him—extremely badly.

I feel like the reason all of this is hitting Sun now is because he’s no longer in panic/survival mode now that Eclipse seems to have played all his hands and whatever the Creator is up to doesn’t seem like an immediate threat. Well, that and the fact that his siblings are apparently forcing him to take a break. Honestly, as sad and hard as it is for him to go through this… he probably needed it? He did get the chance to confront and work through some things, and he showed that he knows he did the best he could and that his mind is lying to him. He has accepted his actions. It just doesn’t make any of it any easier to deal with. …And hearing him say he loved Moon, and that the Moon he knew really is gone/different now really did hurt. Even though I know he still loves the current Moon very much.

I just hope this little family gets a real break soon.

On another note--seems like on the Monty and Foxy side of things, Foxy might be getting his memories back. Which is good for him, as well as hilarious for us in getting to see some of Monty's other failed business ventures. A lot of the comments were speculating that this might mean Foxy would get his crush on Moon back, but I doubt it. The two of them have already hung out together a bit and Foxy admitted he didn't feel that way about Moon anymore, so I don't think that is going to change. Especially since his prior interest seemed very shallow in the face of the two of them actually interacting for an extended period of time.

[min3nc]

Do you have more about either autistic head cannons for the whole team or more about Weiss or whatever. Cause I really enjoyed the last one

OHHH BOY YES I DO. putting them under a cut because i’m rambling and i don’t like long posts augh. also sorry this took so long to be answered—

They all think they are so good at masking. a game of “they dont know im autistic” but they all are dhsjfnsnf. And in a way- they are! They perform well, until it’s all too much, and they need to take a step back and wonder, why am i feeling so bad?

Blake's the kind of girl who you just think she's mean doesn't want to talk to you- but truth is she's absolutely nervous when she talks to people. Unless it's the Right People, the kind of people that you just sort of Connect to just by looking at them and hearing them say a word that just flips a switch in your brain. she gets overstimulated so easily thanks to her ears. For her, so many noises are the kind of noises that make you grit your teeth and are physically painful.

yang’s the definition of “but you don’t look autistic!” because she figured it out. it’s all about performing. they think you look like a bimbo? they’ll get a bimbo. it’s easier that way. socialization is all about having templates of situations. She’s a pro at that. Situation A asks for Response C, that way we’ll move towards Continuation B and it all goes as expected. Performing, performing… until one day she gets overwhelmed and she doesn’t understand why everything is too much and that’s where they get her. woe, ‘tism be upon ye.

ruby has a strong sense of justice, “these rules are DUMB why are we enforcing them if they aren’t fair? that makes no sense” “because that’s the way things are.” “that’s dumb. we’re doing things my way.” <- ruby the whole atlas arc btw. she learned a lot about socialization through yang but her personality makes it difficult for her to perform. she takes her role as leader very literally, and it took an obvious toll out of her. also, her whole thing with her cape. there are some capes that are very heavy, and I know that ruby’s cape is like that. pressure helps some calm overstimulation. she’s also hyper emphatic, to the point it gets too much. nora is sad, weiss is sad, ren is upset, blake is upset— i’m too, but let’s get to them first, okay? WRONG. meltdown be upon ye.

weiss schnee my beloved. this girl. she masks so much, but she doesn’t realize because it’s chalked up as etiquette training, and on a sadder note, given that she was an heiress and was trained for years to be the perfect heiress, i’d say behavioral training. we all blame jackass schnee for that one. i also think she once saw one of those Violence stimboards (im not really into them. but jesus i spent like an hour looking at them) related to fire and she Cannot Understand Why She Cant Look Away And Why She Feels So Comfy. I also imagine her as those kind of girls who know Way Too Much but don’t know how to explain it in an easy way, so she gets frustrated because she WANTS to talk about the intricacies of Dust Usage but does Blake know how Kinetic Energy Redistribution through Dust works? will she be able to explain it? because she wants to converse about this! not just have someone hear her, she wants opinions goddamnit!!!! (yes she probably does)

[mingiswow]

Can we talk about how beautiful the third Moonlight Chicken episode was? Every episode this drama shocks me more and more because it’s not just a queer story. It’s about generational shocks, value shocks, class shocks, breaking cycles.

Jim was the first one to break when he confronted his homophobic sister, was expelled home and went to live with his lover, then Li Ming comes to break the idea that you have to study to be successful, have a degree, that your parents (or your guardian) knows what is best for you because they’re older and wiser. “don’t make the same mistakes I’ve done”.

And when Wen have a heart to heart conversation with Li Ming, acknowledging his feelings and making him see for another perspective, from his uncle’s perspective (when Wen tells him that he has the same hard-to-break shell as his uncle, you can see Li Mings softening up but still not giving up on his dream) shows that sometimes we are too focused on the one problem that we forget to take a step back and look at the whole situation and we tend to blame the other from things that sometimes we do ourselves as well.

Then we have the very clear class shock. How life is supposedly easier for the privileged characters. They have a comfortable house, a stable important job, have everything they need and want and how that’s not enough. Because money is not the answer (even tho helps a lot ngl). Wen clearly gets really shaken when he discovers that the restaurant is being taken down and the first thought he had was to talk to Jim because he cares more about the man’s feelings, because he rather be sweating in a small chicken rice shop with people that he cares about - and we can clearly see how he bonded really fast with everyone - than this promotion of him, and how he got clearly sad when Jim just left him when he told about the job.

And we need to talk about the impeccable acting job everyone is doing, especially Gemini and Forth, they have such a great chemistry not just between them but the rest of the cast. It’s just… I have no words to explain what I feel when I see their acting in this more dramatic role than My School President.

I think the reason why this series is so beautifully realistic is because it’s a story about people struggling to live in this world regardless who they choose to love. And I think that the most important lesson from this episode is when Wen says that the key to success to relationship is not gender. And I couldn’t agree more, would it be talking about romantic relationship or any other kind of human relationship.

[wannaremember]

I saw @homosociallyyours and @jlf23tumble post theirs and felt like doing this since I can't sleep. I am not the best at picking answers to things but i will try.

Relationship status: Single. I don't know if i see myself ever being anything else. So in that way its complicated, my view of what I want, what I can have, whats possible and whats not. I try not to think about it though. I'm also kind of bitter about some things which sours my thoughts on relationships.

Favorite colors: is it okay to say every colour? Like i am so bad at picking a favourite thing :/ but if i had to pick right now, I'd say red. The answer could be different at any other given moment though 😅

Song stuck in my head: at the moment there is none. I dont think my brain has the space for it at the moment. I also can't think what the last song stuck in my head would have been but I do remember Happier than Ever being stuck in my head somewhat recently.

Last song I listened to: Bad friend by Rina Sawayama. I feel like anytime i do these things I'm always mentioning the same artists lol but really blame the spotify shuffle algorithm. Anyway i do love the song so I'm not mad about it.

3 favorite foods: once again picking a favourite is tough but for this its easier because I do have my ultimate favourite food in mind. Khausey, its like this noodle and yellow curry dish. Googling it probably won't be very useful and theres often different variants of it depending on what your cultural background is. So i usually think of the version I've grown up eating. I can never make it as good myself and its a lot of work to make the curry so I rarely make it myself. But god its the best. Second is halwa puri. Again something i can't explain but i love it. It always tastes best when you get it from the street. I think I'm going to start listing out all the street food i miss from back home as well as other foods i miss that i just cant get here, atleast not as good as they are back home so ill pick something different for the third option lol. Nutella, im not going to call it food per se and its not even that i think its particularly great but its a comfort thing for me where i just eat a few spoons of it on its own when I'm feeling low, or pmsing or anything, it takes very little excuse.

Last thing I googled: Moonlight, the movie, i saw a mention of it in a fic i was reading and googled it.

Dream trip: there's not really one place i would pick, like a world tour would be ideal and i could just go to all these different countries and explore different neighbourhoods, try out different food, do some activities, etc. If I had to be more specific, I'd go for Europe, though. I still get sad that I didn't get to travel much when I was there, and I can't really go back anytime soon.

Anything I want right now: more friends. People who i can talk to, who will get me and i wont have to worry about censoring myself or not being able to be myself completely. I feel like its a pretty big constant in my life though to want friends but never doing enough to make them. Idk but yeah also people in peron like that especially but even online closer friends that aren't just on messages and arent just fandom focused in conversation. I dont know whats tougher for me though interacting with people online or in person, they're both scary. Anyway i am trying but yeah friends was the very first thing i could think of to answer this.

I don't know who has done this already so i might tag someone who has already. I'll tag @bigxrig @uhoh-but-yeah-alright @suesheroll and anyone else who sees this and wants to do it!

[piqued-curiosity]

I’m in awe at how eloquently and succinctly you answered all those asks that eagleflightdraw clown kept sending you! It’s crazy how tif’s fight so hard to convince themselves that they’re men to the point where they end up bootlicking their own oppressors. I feel bad for her at a certain extent, but it seems that she’s so caught up in wanting to be a man that she’s completely lost sight of what the goal of feminism is. I think the saddest part of all is that this girl is sending you ask after ask defending men, but those same men wouldn’t piss on her if she was on fire. You NEVER see men defend women the way women (libfems mainly) defend men and it’s actually baffling that they don’t see that. Anyway, I loved all of your responses! Keep it up! 🩷

Thank you, that means a lot! 💕

I’m glad she was respectful, but she displayed such a typical misunderstanding of feminism and how sex-based oppression works. I say typical, because I see the same attitude in many TIFs. From what I’ve seen, it looks like what’s happening is a disconnect between their ideology and reality that they have to desperately explain away. They know feminism benefits them, because they know they’re affected by things like abortion and contraception restriction (I’m using that example a lot because this same conversation came up a lot last year when the US overruled Roe V Wade, so it’s an easy example). But they also want to believe they’re men, so they have to make the claim that “feminism is for everyone, including men” to make themselves feel like the reason they are benefited by feminism isn’t because they’re female, but because they’re men and feminism is for men too.

The easier solution would be for them to go back to how the trans movement started, which was acknowledging the difference between sex and identity. That way, they could put aside their personal identity for the sake of feminist action and understand that in this fight, they’re in it as female people, not as “men”. But modern trans people are incredibly selfish and entitled, which is why we see the conversation shifting to “here’s how we accommodate trans identities!” Anytime we try to speak on an important feminist subject. Again with the Roe V Wade situation, the trans community was more concerned with how to use gender inclusive language than how to actually solve the problem.

In short, it’s a result of members of the trans community being so wrapped up in their personal identity that they expect everyone else to revolve everything around said identity. And that they try to bend everything around them to fit their identity (“feminism is for men too, because I’m a man who’s pregnant and needs proper care!”), instead of understanding that their gender identity is not the most important thing at all times.

It reminds me a lot of how it feels to speak to religious people, who have a very hard time seeing outside their worldview. The way that TRAs are so quick to scoff at the mere idea of saying “trans women are men, trans men are women”, reminds me of how quick religious people are to scoff at somebody saying “I don’t believe in god”. And the follow-up is always an astonished “so what do you believe, if not my belief?”, as if they can’t even comprehend the idea of somebody not operating within their own ideology.

And like you said, it’s sad to see women go out of their way to defend men when we all know that men would never think to do the same for them. I was thinking that the whole time I was reading her asks…seeing her bring up problems men face (that were off-topic and not related to misogynistic sex-based oppression and feminism, as well as often being problems caused by men themselves), and thinking to myself “wow, men are never so quick to talk about problems women face, and when they are, other men assume they’re just doing it to get feminists to date and/or sleep with them”.

I don’t really blame her though, because like I said, thinking like this about feminism is really the only way to logically uphold her false identity. If she accepts that feminism is for/about women and that women experience sex-based oppression, she’d be forced to see that she herself falls under the category of woman. And that would just be the worst thing in the world.

[napo-leo-art]

Hi! From the OC asks: 7, 17 and 23 for Gavin? No pressure though!

Of course! And no worries, I love answering these. Thank you for the questions! (Under the cut for length)

7. What's one way your OC has changed since you first came up with them?

I haven't really changed Gavin all that much, but I do have one bit! TBH, the first time I played him was Book 2, and I hadn't played him in Book 1 (I did one of those "make a new character with summary" things). And then I ended up really liking him and went back and played 1 with him LOL. So, I am very into things like musicals and dancing and singing, so I have the tendency to lump those onto my OCs. Gavin was the most recent one of these! And then I realized that trait combined with his skills and his general attitude was pretty similar to another OC I had*, who I really love and have had for several years, so I thought I should explore some other options. I especially wanted to do stuff that I'm not familiar with, so I fell into frat boy stuff and sports LMAO. I'd love to draw some shit for that, but I'm really not a team sports kinda person.

*Jesse Acevedo, he's my Breach: The Archangel Job oc and I've rped with him quite a bit.

17. What is the worst thing you have put your OC through story-wise?

That's a great question. I'm gonna avoid anything that happened in the Wayhaven books, since a lot of characters went through that and I'd like to give more info LOL.

Outside of Wayhaven stuff, it would probably be the experience that led him to quit law school. This is a sensitive topic so I don't want to add a ton of details, but in short he (as a defense attorney*) was legally on the side of a defendant who really did commit the crime that was alleged, which was already terrible. Then the defendant physically attacked the plaintiff (accuser) in the trial, between actual court appearances.

Gavin (and myself) would put priority on the victim of this attack, but it still was the sort of experience that was life-altering for him, and a terrible twist of his good intentions. His goal was to provide a good defense to the accused who couldn't afford a good attorney, but the reality of having to defend the people who actually did commit the crimes they were accused of had a much bigger toll on him than he expected, and it felt wrong to keep pursuing pretty unfiltered cases.

*this is not the correct term, but I can't think of the right one at this moment- in the US, the court will provide you a defense attorney if you can't afford one, and that was the job he was going for. District attorney? Point is, they are a defense in criminal cases for people who do not have the resources to defend themselves legally.

23. What emotion is the hardest for your OC to process? How about express?

I almost said 'vulnerability', but that's not strictly an emotion LOL. It's the most "true" answer, but let me give a bit more.

I think maybe lovesickness? is the hardest for him to process. He's had a lot of shallow relationships and hookups and he gets into them completely willingly, even considering he knows he'll get his feelings hurt. The part where it *actually* hurts is the worst, because he has nobody to blame but himself. Like, let's say Mason didn't have feelings for him. Mason made it completely clear, and he caught feelings anyway. So why is he hurt? He knew what he was getting into.

But really, he can still be hurt by that of course. He made a bad decision, but it still hurts.

As for expressing? Probably sadness, it's one of those emotions where people feel the need to protect or help you in some way, and he always feels very weird not dealing with those things on his own. He's definitely not the gossipy type, and sometimes the kinda sadness you have really needs to be explained to get it all out. It's easier not to express it.

I think anger could very easily be the replacement outlet for him, but he's not an angry person in the least. So he buries it under a lot of other emotions, or just hopes it'll go away on its own.

[soulrph]

I'm so happy to have your blog on my dash it has shown me that I'm not the only one struggling in the rpc. I feel like the rpc has fallen into a coma, people are so wrapped up in their own bubbles that they don't interact with each other anymore (it seems) like I'm so frustrated with tumblr at this point, I'm so sorry I just don't know what to do, it's really disheartening to have like 1k followers, writing an rp blog but no matter what you do, no one sends anything at all, no asks, no memes, no starters, nothing, it makes me sad and wonder if I have done something wrong? I checked the settings twice as to make sure asks are enabled and I try to regularly send the people on my dash things but now I'm questioning myself. Like why and how are so many people following me if it feels like they don't want to interact? Of course I know many of these are lurkers but not all? I'm so confused by this to be honest...

My Question is: Am I the only one who feels like that?

my lovely friend, let me tell you something. these feelings you’re having? we ALL have them at some point in our tumblr lives. it’s perfectly natural, there’s nothing wrong with them, much less with you for having them in the first place. you understand? i want to make that much clear before i continue, because i’m getting the impression that you might be trying to take on the blame and responsibility for other people’s actions, and that’s not close to being accurate, love, okay? you’re doing just fine! and now i’m going to go into a little detail on your message. but i don’t want you to read on unless you’re feeling solid and good about yourself again, because try as we might, we’re not responsible for other people. and you mentioned that you’re very active in your efforts to make people feel comfortable, so no. don’t go blaming yourself. you’re doing nothing wrong, my love, i promise.

NOW! i say as i slap my hands on my knees like a suburban dad in an american film! except not, bc my laptop’s there, but i digress. before i continue, i want to say that i’m only one person, my suggestions may not be applicable to you. if anyone reads this post, and would like to contribute their own suggestions, you’re all welcome to hop into the comments to help our lovely friend out! this is a sideblog, however, and i will not be able to interact with these comments directly!

the first thing that i’m going to say here is that 1,000 followers is a LOT of people. like that’s overwhelming to anyone, but i feel like it could also contribute to these feelings of isolation when you have a thousand people following you and nobody’s really reaching out. that’s why i would suggest that maybe you might feel better if you try and bring that number down? it’s like this; if you host a big party, realistically speaking, you won’t be able to invite a thousand guests. it’ll be next to impossible to have these intimate personal connections with one thousand individual people, right? but if we try, say, 500 people? instantly easier to handle, i think. personally i try to keep my own limit at 150 mutuals, because i’m oftentimes too tired and too stressed to handle the idea of much more than that, and it’s much fairer to 150 people than it is for 1000 people.  plus, those 150 people are far more likely to have solid friendships with me. i’m only one person, and so are you, and we can’t be pressuring ourselves into trying to interact with 1000 people!

in your case, this also applies. 1000 people is a LOT. if you bring the number down, perhaps then you can explain to people that you will be implementing a few changes in the way you do things. you want to plot with people. you want to develop solid relationships both OOC and IC. you also might find it useful to use an interest tracker or a permanent starter and plotting call, or a few open starters are also useful! 

i’m going to repeat something here. you are not responsible for other people’s actions. there are parts of the rpc that are withdrawing from the core purpose and values of the community, and the lack of interaction is a widespread challenge. it’s not their fault. it’s just something that’s happening. that being said, you can only control YOUR experience. which sounds powerless, but it’s actually entirely the opposite!

you can make that post and say what you expect to change in your blog. “i’ll be much more active in the rpc from now on, i’m here to make friends and write with like-minded people, and i’m going to be cleaning out my followers over the coming week. if you want to stay mutuals, please let me know, but i don’t want to stay mutuals unless we intend on building a solid friendship and writing together!”

you can obviously change the wording! be as nice or as blunt as you like! but try to be firm. your experiences of the dash are yours and yours alone. my suggestions might be worth nothing to you, and that’s more than okay too! but my earlier experience in the community was very much like yours in that i had about 500 mutuals, but it was so quiet and awkward that i may as well have had 0. it only changed when i brought the number down to 150, keeping my mutuals as people who i wanted to write with and befriend, and then posted a quick psa to let people know that i was planning on actually writing much more in the future, and i would be changing certain things in my blog to accommodate that.

you don’t have to do any of this, my love. you don’t have to soft block any followers, you don’t have to make a psa, you don’t have to do anything! my decisions came from a place when i was so frustrated by being stuck in the “nothingness”, or the “meh, idk, i don’t mind, idc” phase of the community, that i just decided to shift gears and change things. the way i see it, i could have 20,000 mute, withdrawn mutuals, but just one person who i genuinely loved to chat to and plot with and write with would outshine the lot of them! fortunately i found much more than just one person, though. and i know, i KNOW, you will too.

[liesandbrokenhearts]

there are two euphemisms that always had a sort of shallow understanding in the waters of my mind. it was never given true depth until I got older. "Beauty is pain" and "Pain

in the way that " money is the root of all evil" is often misquoted. instead of the "love of money is the root of all evil" do you think our understanding of these phrases has been twisted just as much as how language has changed? I think beauty can bring just as much unwanted attention as wanted so in that sense it can be a pain. and the pursuit of pleasure can bring pain. I'd like to think there are a number of people here who think of you as a beauty. but the way you write of your anguish.

I wonder if it comes as a consequence of said beauty. and in terms of pain is pleasure. like the melancholy that French Cinema invokes do you find some measure of pleasure in said anguish?

And which euphemism do you find more relatable out of the two or how does your interpretation of them differ?

See things like entomology and such have always interested me (though I know nothing about it) which is focused on words, but I never thought much of the history of phrases and how they can get shaped over time.. it reminds me of the phrase “curiosity killed the cat” that people love to use to tell others not to stray into bad situations blindly out of intrigue but the ending is greatly omitted- “but satisfaction brought it back”. And it almost flips the warning on its head and leaves a greater hope than the original saying for sure, some sayings hold history beyond there new meanings now I’m sure.

And I think the cutoff of “money is the root of all evil” instead of it starting with “the love of..”

has made it easier for us as humans to lose responsibility or claim to our greed in pursuit of ostentatious wealth due to its inherit “evil” qualities, and it also makes it more passive as it seems easier to swallow and places the blame on the object of wealth instead of the person. It’s interesting to see what words get rewritten and cut down for time when context is really needed by every word. But I don’t know, that’s how i take it anyways with that quote, I could have missed the point there.

But yes I can see the other side of “beauty is pain” as well, we see the physical sense in beauty treatments and workout regimes- but there is a much deeper side as well, beauty or feeling you lack thereof is also pain. A deeper pain than can be explained when you see it in every face you see but your own. I think that’s what is difficult is the presence of features and attributes that are yours versus what you want them to be- beauty can be a pain of something you are not. Pain can come from looking into beauty, knowing it never looks like you. Just as I imagine like you said beautiful people can find pain in their beauty too- what I imagine would be an expectancy. It reminds me of the male gaze in a lot of ways, consistently hoping that what I am today fits into the mold of what is “attractive”. Anguish is the perfect word for it. It reminds me of the French movie “Eyes without a face” by Georges Franju , it actually explains a lot of how I feel right now. But yes all the movies I love are sad ones that remind me in reverie of some sad feeling inside and reminds me that’s what makes sense in an burning world, some shared form of human emotion or experience. That and text as well, which connotations clearly have skewed our interpretations on.

[sherlock-is-ace]

I don't write, I don't really engage with fanfics all that much either. But let me pitch my idea for the third Knives Out movie, and if someone wants to write it, they'd be more than welcome to do so.

(under the cut so it's easier to ignore if you don't care 👌🏻)

Philip forces Blanc to take a vacation because his last case was either too dangerous so he needs to chill for a bit, or too long and they've missed each other. The point is that Blanc does not want to take a break, but does it for Philip's sake. They go to the english countryside (nothing funnier than two english men playing tourists in their own home lol). They satay in a lovely B&B (or something) full of colorful characters, the normal murder mystery characters, you know the ones. An old rich woman with the young sad looking girl that helps her, a young couple in their honeymoon, buisness man, idk those kinds of people. Benoit and Philip being the weird bikering gay couple everyone wants to befriend.

Blanc spends the whole time seeing suspicious things and trying to investigate everything cause he's bored and he's trying to make up a case. Philip spends the whole time trying to get Blanc to relax and stop being such a downer. At some point the rich lady looses her pearls or some shit and starts blaming the other guests in the hotel/ b&b / whatever it is and Blanc jumps at the oportunity for a case, but turns out she just missplaced them and they find them pretty quickly.

One night, at two in the morning there's a knock on Benoit and Philip's room door and Blanc gets up to answer, it's the honeymoon woman, and she looks scared. She says "I'm so sorry Mr. Blanc, I didn't know who else to go to. My husband disappeared". Blanc is very excited but can't show it cause he's a decent man and the poor woman is so sad, so he lets her in to a little living room (ish) space in his room, and goes get dressed. He opened the door in his pajamas, stripey pajamas including a sleeping hat, you know, because he dresses like a cartoon character. Anyways, he goes into the bedroom but the camera stays with the woman, so you can only hear Blanc and Philip's conversation in the background. There's a lot of "oh come on man we're on vacation!" from Philip and a lot of "but her husband is missing! what would you do if I was missing?" and finally Philip shouting "alright, FINE!" seconds before the door opens and Blanc is more appropriately dressed and asks the woman to explain everything, while Philip (still in his pajamas, but like normal real life human ones) goes to make some tea for everyone, still looking annoyed.

I don't know what the case would be, but you know, as usual, everyone is a suspect, everyone has motives, everyone has oportunity but it was done in a weird and convoluted way. The only thing that matters to me is the gay domestic moments, and I want Philip to help with the case pls skjfskdf

[ladyintree]

sad headcanon questions: what would your muse consider their worst failing? asked by @warpainte & @lingeringscars.

failure is not an option for her ever, so she'd mostly convince herself that nothing is, especially in present day when she's trying very hard to repress this --- but it's very easily not being able to protect van when she was attacked by wolves.

there used to be people theorizing, even once the season ended, that it was actually her who attacked van, not wolves, but i hated that theory for a lot of reasons because (not only did it not make sense but) it invalidated the culpability tai had without having been directly responsible for it. she did not attack her, she did not have any control of the wolves, she did not technically do anything, but the point is she will always feel responsible for it, she will always treat the wolf attack as if it was her directly hurting it because of how things happened.

she spent those few days belittling van for the bone necklace she wore for "protection," because not only did she think l/ottie was full of crap, but she hated the fact that van was giving into it. any time people started to believe in the visions or what the wilderness was capable of, etc., it just made her feel so out of control and she doesn't like that feeling, obviously. and also, on this journey, she is their leader, she is the one who has sworn that they are going to find civilization and bring them home ( literally, as adult tai says, 'i'm going to lead [them] out of the wilderness.' ) so the fact that van is saying that there is some ominous warning telling them they shouldn't go on, based solely on some 'prediction' lot has, it makes her angry. she hates that necklace and what it stands for, she hates that van is relying on that for protection instead of her / instead of faith in what they have to do, etc. she thinks it's stupid and she has no problem telling her that ( which isn't fair to van, of course. )

yet, at some point during the night, her unconscious self stole that necklace off of van, climbed a tree, and kept herself safe while the others were attacked by wolves and van nearly died for it.shi

she's freaked out by the fact that she's in a tree, obviously, but she's more freaked out by the necklace on her neck -- because she has claimed to hate this thing and not believe in it, yet here it is keeping her safe while van is getting hurt. van thought it would protect her and now it's not, but tai get its benefits instead, and this drastically changes everything for them both. tai is left to wonder what her unconscious self believed in and if it van was right to believe in this. and she hates that!

so blaming herself is extremely hard because it means admitting some defeat, admitting that she believed in this for some reason. obviously she never says it like that -- when she recounts to s/hauna later, she tells her she was supposed to keep watch, she fell asleep, and then it happened. it's easier for her to talk about it that way because she can't explain, even to herself, why she was in the tree with her necklace and what that means. she's not going to willingly talk about that with anyone -- not even van, who had to quietly steal the necklace back at some point, and the two never addressed it.

she was on watch and she failed. she stole the one thing van relied on for protection and she failed. she nearly failed to kill the wolf in time. she failed to see that van was still alive before starting a fire ( because, obviously, she's not going to sit there and mourn -- she has to move on because it's the only way she knows how to deal with it. ) van got hurt, scarred forever, almost died twice that night alone, and tai is always going to feel responsible for that. she is always going to see wolves around ever corner of her failings, as a constant reminder of what she did / didn't do. she is always going to feel like she will inevitably put her loved ones in danger because of what her unconscious self is capable of, and it was really hard for her after breaking up with her to even thinking about getting close to someone again because of it.

but if she had to actually answer this question for anyone, she'd never admit any of that. she might say it was her failure to get them out of the wilderness when she tried ( because it is certainly right behind that ) but what happened to van goes a lot deeper. it forces her to think about what she does and doesn't believe in and what that means for her + the people in her life. just because she is starting to consciously participate in these things in season 2 doesn't mean that she's ever going to shake that discomfort and guilt of participating in it that night, because of what it led to.