#hang your stocking to the Hag

[krysalla]

hide me from the cleaver, i'll hang with you forever! - iii

thomas hewitt x fat f!reader

part one | part two

read on ao3

word count: 1.7k

warnings: 18+ MDNI, kidnapping

a brief interlude.

He doesn’t usually come down to the station, there’s really no need for it now that there’s no more deliveries to keep the shelves fully stocked, but his mother asked him to come and like any dutiful son, he listened. He sticks close to home or the slaughterhouse, that’s where he feels comfortable. Too many bad memories here–getting stared at and hearing the comments whispered over bottles of cold soda, too bold in their assumption that he wouldn’t hear them. At least at the slaughterhouse, the others mostly kept to themselves. Holding a cleaver near others seemed to put them off any insults and jabs at him, thought he was too angry, too unpredictable, a dumb animal that would attack when provoked. Maybe they were right.

He’s just about done clearing out the storage closet when his mother pulls back the sun bleached curtain and peers out the window.

“Looks like we got some fresh meat comin’ in.”

It’s been about a month now since the last time someone drove through town. Though that’s really no surprise to any of them, even before the town dried up and died, late summer was always the slowest time of the year, not many people willing to drive through a hundred and ten degree weather with a humidity that made the air thick and unbearable. Even the few families that could afford it here left for a month or two during the summer. It picks up again in the fall.

His mother grumbles under her breath, “I’ll be back.”

The door slams shut behind her. He can hear her speaking in that rough way of hers, she isn’t in the mood to play games today, doesn’t feel like slipping on the mask of the gentle, mother hen, clucking away as she tries to usher them into her parlor with tea and cookies and soothing words, telling the meat they will be okay while she serves them the sedative laced tea. He can hear frustrated voices. Miserable, old hag! His blood boils. He can just barely see the outline of three people from his spot near the storage closet.

She comes back in, shaking her head and a trail of smoke following after her. She coughs roughly and puts the cigarette out under her foot. She really ought to quit smoking those things, they always make her cough worse, but she brushes him off, tells him not to worry too much about an old woman like her, but he does, he always worries. 

She turns off toward the backroom where shelves full of groceries used to be, now they only hold dust and grime just like everything else in this town. She calls out to him, “‘M callin’ Charlie. They ain’t goin’ anywhere. Not with no gas in the tank. You can pick ‘em off when he gets here. There’s five of ‘em, young. One of ‘em shouldn’t be too hard to get.”

He’s got one of his knives in the pocket of his leather apron, a small boning knife, something he took from the slaughterhouse. It would be easy to pick them off one by one, but he’ll wait like his mother says. He runs his fingers over the wooden handle. The young ones are usually intoxicated, whether it’s drugs or alcohol, it doesn’t matter, it slows them down and clouds their mind, think the bulk of him coming at them is a hallucination put on by the drugs in their system combined with the heat and lack of water. There’s nowhere to run, nowhere to hide should one escape. There’s not another soul for miles and miles. It would be so easy–

The door opens.

You peek your head around the door and knock gently, trying to announce yourself.

He freezes in the doorway. You look around the inside, swinging your head from side to side, and he can see the wrinkle of your nose and crinkle of your eyes. You’re too busy staring at the rotting pig to see him. It’ll be easier, quicker to slink out of the shadows and surprise you, slice the blade straight across your throat. Mama will be pissed at the mess in her station, she’s already got to clean up after their messes in the house and doesn’t want to deal with any more work than she has too. More often than not, the station is the meat's first contact with them, the setting stage to the final hours of their lives. Tommy rarely worked in the slaughter room, it was a team effort to kill the bovine and no one wanted to work with him nor was he good at working with others. The few times he did go down to the killing floor, he could tell that the cattle knew what was about to happen. They fought every step of the way to him where he waited with a sledgehammer. They snorted and huffed and made all sorts of pitiful noises while they trashed against the ropes leading them to the end, their eyes wide enough you could see the whites of their eyes. The men said that animals that die scared taste worse than ones that don’t. Tommy’s not sure how much he believes that. All meat dies in fear. It’s natural to fear death, even more so to fear being eaten.

Maybe he could try that. Kill you quick before you even knew what was happening, see if there’s a difference. 

He reaches for his knife.

“Hello?”

He brings his hand out of the pocket.

You make your way to him, hesitant in your step, and he can smell the stench of fear on you. He takes a step back, deeper into the shadows of the station to cover his face, but you don’t stop, despite your fear, you trudge forward until you’re right in front of him. You reach out, gently touching his right wrist and he comes to a screeching stop in his backtracking. His hands itch for the knife, he can make it quick. Your friends will notice you are gone and come looking. It will be a hell of a mess to clean up for both him and his uncle. You notice the twitch in his hand and let go, looking up at him sheepishly with a small smile that makes your round cheeks even rounder, clearly defined by the stretch of skin and pull of muscle.

You must be the one his mother was talking about–the easy one.

“Excuse me, sir.”

No one’s ever called him that before. Sir, that’s much too respectable for a man like him, dirtied and scarred and mute, hands always crusted over with dirt and blood and grime that he can’t scrub out no matter how hard he tries. Hands that are covered in calluses and scars from meat hooks and cleavers and boning knives and the sharp edges of bones that don’t get cut right by the old electric bone saw. Men called sir don’t look like him. He’s at the worst an animal, a freak of nature and, at best, called Hewitt by others. No, sir is much too generous. But how can he argue with you, a pretty little thing, soft and round with a plain, natural sort of beauty. He’s been around all sorts of beauty, has coveted all his life for just a taste of his own, and yet, this is a different kind of want. It pulls at his stomach, twists him up into knots. Your eyes are kind despite your fear. His wrist burns where you touched him.

Would you flinch if he touched you? Would you be repulsed by the idea of him touching you, tainting your soft, clean skin? 

“I was looking for the woman that works here.”

He sees his mother emerge from the backroom with a look of fury he’s never seen before.

“What are you doin’ here?” 

You jump and turn to face his mother, terrified as you explain yourself, and taking small steps backward into him as she comes closer and closer, boxing you in between him and his mother. Trapped. So close. He can smell the sweet smell of flowers on you. Is it your hair or your skin? He ducks his head down closer to you, trying to scent it out. 

You cower under the gaze of his mother and flinch as she demands you leave.

He’s not ready to let you go, not yet. There’s still so much to explore. Your legs and arms are exposed to him, but what about your torso? So much skin to touch and pet at. He hasn’t had a chance. He’s getting ideas about a future with you.

His hand hovers over your elbow and he catches his mother looking down at it, eyes flashing back up to him with something like surprise.

You scurry out of the station.

His mother looks at him, arms crossed over her chest.

“City girl like her won’t make it out here. Too damn soft for her own good,” his mother tries to reason. She knows, of course she does, she knows him like the back of her hand.

He fixes out his posture and looks out through the thin curtains at you. All he can catch is your silhouette. His mother’s right, city girls aren’t built for this kind of life. It’s too harsh, it works you down to the bone and demands you do it all over again the next day, but you look tough enough to bear it and even if you couldn’t, he could bear it for you. Tommy could take the beating of the sun, the grinding of his bones and muscles under the weight of all the responsibilities and work that come with running a home like theirs, he could do that all and more, snatch the north star out of the sky and bring it home for you if you wanted, so long as he had you to come home to. A soft, willing wife to lead him to the dinner table and rub out the tension in his shoulder, someone to enjoy a quiet night out on the back porch in the old rocking chairs, hand in hand while the crickets chirp and the lightning bugs light up the fields. A warm, pliant body beneath him. A baby on your hip and a couple kids hanging off his arms.

He touches his still burning wrist.

His mother sighs heavily, “Alright, I’ll go play nice.” 

[shadow-book-wren]

Yule Superstitions

Animals

Legend says animals can speak on Christmas Eve but not to listen for them because it is unlucky to hear them

Some cattle ranchers believe that if the first person to cross the threshold on Christmas eve is female, only heifers will be born on the ranch for the next year. however, if it is a male, many male calves will be born

Feeding a sprig of mistletoe to the first calf-bearing cow of the new year ensures future fertility for both

Some British believe that ivy leaves fed to each cow after milking and before noon on Christmas morning will force the devil away from the herd and keeper for the next 12 months

If the stars are bright on Christmas Eve, hens will lay well the next year

Monsters

In Sweden, its believed that trolls travel freely through countryside from dusk on Christmas eve to dawn on Christmas morning. its common practice to stay indoor during those hours, in Sweden.

Greece and Poland considers it unlucky to be born on Christmas eve and Christmas day because the roaming monsters - kallikantzaroi (Greece) and werewolves (Poland) can capture the newborn's spirit for their own devices

It is customary, in Greece, to burn all old shoes to ward off misfortune in the new year

Ghost refuse to come out of hiding on Christmas day, babies born then are said to be forever free of ghostly troubles

Food

Refusing mincemeat pie on Christmas brings bad luck in the next year

You will lose a friend before next Christmas, if you don't eat plum pudding during the holiday season

Eat an apple at midnight on Christmas Eve for ensuring good health

Leave a loaf of bread on the table, after Christmas Eve, to guarantee plenty of bread for the household in the coming year

Christmas cakes must remain uncut until December 24, and one piece left uneaten until after Christmas day to ensure good fortune

In Germany, it's customary to eat greasy pancakes on the winter solstice and leave some on the table to feed the winter hag so that she doesn't "hunt you down, slice open your belly, and take the cakes right out"

Gift Giving

When giving clothing for a gift, don't wash or iron or it will press in bad luck and wash away good

House

Make sure all fires in your home burn throughout Yuletide season in order to be free of evil spirits

Some Scandinavian families place all their shoes side by side on Christmas Eve to bring harmony in the home

If you have holes in your stocking, hanging them upside down on the hearth before bed on Christmas Eve is said to have them repaired by St. Nick

Place a cherry tree branch in water two weeks before Christmas. if the branch blossoms by Christmas Day you'll have good luck in the new year.

If you fix a hole in your roof between Christmas and New Year's Day it will reappear

You'll have bad luck if you bring holly into your home before Christmas Eve, and triple bad luck if it's removed before January 6th

Mistletoe has to stay hung in place for one year to ensure good luck and when replaced, the old one should be burned

Burn evergreen and decorations of evergreens to ensure good luck

There is an ancient German custom that states that things with wheels, especially spinning ones- may not be used from 5 days before the solstice until six days after it or else the sun causes all fleece and fiber to tangle beyond repair

Marriage Omens

In Germany, girls play a holiday game, seemingly similar to duck-duck-goose, where the first player to be touched by the blindfolded goose will be first to marry of the participants.

In England on Christmas Eve, its customary for unmarried girls to knock on the hen house door... if a rooster crows in response, she'll be married within 12 months

In Northern Europe, some girls arrange three buckets of water in their bedroom, pin three sprigs of holly to their nightgowns before sleeping and are awakened by three shouts and three chuckles. an apparition of their future husbands will appear and if the buckets are rearranged - the marriage proposal wont have any issues ; If they aren't - they may not be a willing partner

In Poland, it is believed that grinding poppy seed on Christmas Eve will ensure a quick marriage for unmarried women

Tossing twelve sage leaves on Christmas Eve winds will make the image of your future lover materialize

Weather

If the night sky on Christmas Eve is clear and starry, summer harvest will be abundant

The 12 days of Christmas tells the weather for each following months. ex: first day of Christmas = snowy ; January = snowy

Easter will be cold if it doesn't snow on Christmas

if Christmas Day is breezy there will be good luck for the new year

[princeofgaycats]

fluff prompt list number 16!

cat's grace.

astarion supposes, pawing at the twine around his neck in a vague affectation of a collar, that he should have seen something like this coming.

"az."

"yes, dear."

"why are you a cat again?"

his tail swishes over dead leaves. at least this campsite is drier than the one near last light, astarion muses distantly, avoiding lux's gaze. even on solid ground, the air was always wet, waves splashing up to shore.

the tiefling crouches down closer to his height. gentle fingers smooth the fur atop his head, and he can't help but tilt into it. "i'm not mad at you, i'm just worried i need to go stab someone i already killed."

astarion flicks his tail again, avoiding eye contact the same way it usually does. "this is more gale's fault than mine, really. he's the one who said there was some other magic attached to the hag's boon, something beyond the enhanced dexterity." he growls when lux raises an eyebrow. "like any reasonable person, i wanted to figure it out. it's something to do in these cursed lands that isn't trying to wrestle with the necromantic tome again.

"besides, having unknown magic hanging about my person can't be good. it's only right to puzzle out what it does!"

his ears lay back as he glares up at a very bemused lux.

maybe he should have endured the mystery.

"you know gale's out with wyll and karlach, right? he's not gonna be back til, like, this evening… or whatever counts for an evening around here," it grumbles, its own tail flicking. "no real way to fuckin' tell. anyways, uh, whatever." lux tugs at the twine. "you want i should try gettin' this off?"

astarion takes stock of the situation. last time, the transformation left him panicked, struggling hard against the cat's reflexes. now he feels… fine, actually. it's annoying to be changed against his will, but there's not a cage pressed against his mind. only…

he narrows his eyes, and lux leans back. there's something attached to him. not physically but stuck on the edge of himself, cold and sharp, dark and familiar. astarion leans towards it-

and stumbles on his hands and knees, barely caught by lux's flailing. thankfully his clothes survived the trip, or he'd be even more flustered. as is, he coughs as he pushes himself upright, straightening the collar of his shirt. the half-burnt twine is once again hooked through his belt loops, hanging innocently from his hip.

he expects to be mocked and is taken off guard by lux's grin and the hand clasping his shoulder. "whoa, great job! you figured it out yourself! some sorta, uh, uh- shapeshifting magic, transmutation? enchantment? those are weird to work out, i'm not a wizard, whatever, anyways, that was cool!"

"i- yes, it rather was, wasn't it?" astarion has no idea how he did that, but he's not going to turn down free praise. lux's hand is warm, squeezing once- and then it blushes and pulls out of his personal space.

cute.

lux's grin softens to a smile, and it gestures at the twine. "can you do it again? you could sneak through so many gaps like that, and there's enough cats when we get to the gate no one'll think it's weird to see another- oh!" it breaks into a snicker, hands flapping then pawing at its mouth. "we could, we could, 'oh, please let me in real quick, my cat got past your gate!'" it simpers to an unseen guard, or noble, or shopkeep. "and then boom, we have a reason to be places, easy!"

"well, i have to say it's more interesting than simply charming the doorman…" astarion chuckles at its bright-eyed excitement. "let me try."

lux straightens up and forces itself quiet, though it can't stop the wagging of its tail. it truly doesn't take much to entertain the warlock.

astarion closes his eyes and rests a hand on the twine. first, he tries to sense the cold feeling again, but it isn't there; instead, there's a soft, lazy warmth under his fingers. in his mind, he grabs ahold of the feeling, pulling it closer until his bones rattle with it, and then he has to brace himself on his forepaws to keep from losing his balance.

he knows for sure he's done it correctly when lux coos at him. astarion purrs his pride, opening his eyes to take in its admiration. it extends a hand that he happily nuzzles into, urging it to scritch his jaw with expert fingers.

he hardly notices that he's following its retreat until his paws rest on its knee, neck stretch after its too-far-away hand. "what are you doing, get back here!" astarion protests, and lux has the audacity to laugh as it returns to its duty. each pet has the perfect amount of weight behind it, tousling up his fur and then smoothing it back down. now that it knows about his scars, it's gentle with his back even in this form, only touching the runes to figure out where the edges are.

the focused attention draws him closer, and astarion consoles himself with the fact that no one's in range to see him slink into lux's lap. it's warm and purring to match him, looking very much feline itself with perked ears and half-shut eyes. when he reaches up and paws at its chest, demanding more room silently, it obeys, laying back on the cool ground to let him sprawl across its torso.

"sweet, lovely… good good good…" lux's voice is mumbled, barely audible. he's not entirely sure if it knows it's talking, but coupled with the petting, he's not going to protest the absent compliments. astarion rolls on his side to tuck his head under its chin, freeing up space for it to pet along his ribs.

"how are you so comfortable?" he mutters, and takes a private joy in feeling its laugh bounce his body in place. "i've seduced people in beds less pleasant."

"i was put on toril to pet cats and kiss guys, and all the guys are unavailable."

[goldenhands]

Magical Merchandise: Finding the Perfect Witchy Gifts for Your Loved Ones!

Have you been struggling to find bewitching gifts for your friends? What do you prefer to give - tarot cards, witchy totes, or something else? Confused right? Well, being a friend of one, I know how much difficult it is to get that perfect witchy gift to show your loved ones how much you care for them. However, with such a vast array of mystical merchandise available, it cannot be easy to decide.

In this blog post, we'll explore some of the best witchy gift ideas guaranteed to put a spell of smiles on anyone's face. By the end, you'll be fully equipped to craft the ideal enchantments. Let's get started!

What Type of Witch Are They?

First things first - it's important to consider the type of witchcraft your loved one is into. Are they more herbally inclined with an interest in potions? Or do they prefer the spiritual side of things like tarot and crystals? Get a feel for their aesthetic too - gothic and dark, or light and flowery? Tailoring your gift to their particular preferences will show you put thought into it.

Top Witchy Gifts Options for Loved Ones

 Tarot Cards: 

Are they always reading their tarot or oracle cards? Seeking answers to life's mysteries through the symbolism of the Minor and Major Arcana? A new tarot or oracle card deck is a no-brainer for the resident fortune teller. Goldenhands offer a wide selection of stunning decks like Guardian Of The Night Tarot or Modern Witch Tarot. A tarot deck makes a meaningful gift any person will adore unboxing. You can buy tarot cards by visiting their site. 

Witchy Tote bags: 

If the charming chica in your coven favors function over flash, a durable cotton tote may be worth a look. We have adorable acrylic printed designs paying homage to candle magic, moon rituals, spellcasting and more. Not only are they great for hauling herbs, crystals and books to coven meetings, but these festive bags can double as aesthetically pleasing accoutrement when out and about town. Plus, who doesn't love a gift that is sustainably chic?

Witchy Ornament: 

For the maximalist mage who loves to showcase their enthusiasm, you can't go wrong with a personalized witchy ornament. Adorn their home with delightful decorations featuring astrological and natural magic symbols, magical familiars like cats, ravens, and frogs, or sassy sayings about being a hopeless hag. Goldenhands offers unique designs from Gothic artists as well as traditional glass ball baubles that any enchanting enthusiast is sure to appreciate hanging on their tree.

Incense Gifts: 

Does your friend enjoy honing their craft? A set of candles, oil diffusers, or incense is an ideal gift for those seeking to enhance their magical environments. Goldenhands stocks high-quality aromatic items to help set an ambiance and raise vibrations. Don't forget charms, pendants, rings, and earrings from our mystical jewellery collection, too - a pretty piece can serve as both adornment and talisman.

A Perfect Mug Set: 

For the people who like cozying up with a warm drink, look no further than our assortment of mugs, goblets, and glassware. Unique options include monograms cast with magical symbols, inspirational affirmations for witches and potion bottle-esque vessels for any brew (whether herbal tea or alcoholic varieties). Since these hand-crafted pieces are suitable for  indoor and outdoor magic-making, they make an appreciated accessory all year-round.

Witchy Keyrings: 

Keen to keep witchy trinkets close at hand? Browse our inventory of meaningful keyrings. Not only do these serve as sturdy gifts, but their portable profiles allow the recipient to flaunt their esoteric interests wherever they roam. Another small but stylish stocking stuffer idea is our selection of Witchcraft booklets featuring spells for love, money, protection, and more.

Bottom Line

By now, you should have a veritable treasure trove of enchanting gift ideas. But if you're still stuck for the perfect present or want to get all of the above-mentioned gifts, we have one fail-safe option - Goldenhands. 

At Goldenhands, we take pride in sourcing unique occult accents and magical markers for those interested in the divine feminine, nature worship, and mysticism. Simply place your order online to experience the mystical merchandise firsthand. 

[nenebot]

Shakespearean insults pt 2

2 Henry IV (2.4.120-22)“Away, you cut-purse rascal! you filthy bung, away! By this wine, I'll thrust my knife in your mouldy chaps, an you play the saucy cuttle with me. Away, you bottle-ale rascal! you basket-hilt stale juggler, you!"

Henry V (2.1.100)“O braggart vile and damned furious wight!”

Henry V (3.2.30)“He is white-livered and red-faced.”

1 Henry VI (3.2.54)“Hag of all despite!“

1 Henry VI (5.4.30-1)“Take her away; for she hath lived too long, / To fill the world with vicious qualities.”

3 Henry VI (5.6.54-5)“Teeth hadst thou in thy head when thou wast born, / To signify thou camest to bite the world.”

Julius Caesar (1.1.36)“You blocks, you stones, you worse than senseless things!”

King Lear (2.2.14-24)“A knave; a rascal; an eater of broken meats; base, proud, shallow, beggarly, three-suited, hundred-pound, filthy, worsted-stocking knave; a lily-livered, action-taking knave, a whoreson, glass-gazing, super-serviceable finical rogue; one-trunk-inheriting slave; one that wouldst be a bawd, in way of good service, and art nothing but the composition of a knave, beggar, coward, pandar, and the son and heir of a mongrel bitch: one whom I will beat into clamorous whining, if thou deniest the least syllable of thy addition.”

King John (4.3.105)“O you beast! / I'll so maul you and your toasting-iron, / That you shall think the devil is come from hell.”

Measure for Measure (2.1.113)“You are a tedious fool.”

Measure for Measure (3.1.151-3)“O faithless coward! O dishonest wretch! / Wilt thou be made a man out of my vice?”

Measure for Measure (3.2.56)“Some report a sea-maid spawn’d him; some that he was begot between two stock-fishes. But it is certain that when he makes water his urine is congealed ice.”

The Merry Wives of Windsor (2.3.21)“Thou art a Castilian King urinal!”

The Merry Wives of Windsor (5.5.60)“Vile worm, thou wast o’erlook’d even in thy birth.”

Othello (4.2.50)“Heaven truly knows that thou art false as hell.”

Pericles (4.6.156)“Thy food is such / As hath been belch'd on by infected lungs.”

Richard III (1.2.58)“Thou lump of foul deformity!”

Richard III (1.2.159)“Out of my sight! thou dost infect my eyes.”

The Taming of the Shrew (4.1.116)“You peasant swain! You whoreson malt-horse drudge!”

The Tempest (3.2.29-30)“Why, thou deboshed fish thou...Wilt thou tell a monstrous lie, being but half a fish and half a monster?”

Troilus and Cressida (2.1.10)“Thou bitch-wolf's son!”

Troilus and Cressida (2.1.16-7)“I think thy horse will sooner con an oration than / thou learn a prayer without book.”

Troilus and Cressida (2.1.41)“Thou sodden-witted lord! thou hast no more brain than I have in mine elbows.”

Troilus and Cressida (4.2.31)“Go hang yourself, you naughty mocking uncle!”

Troilus and Cressida (2.1.106) “I shall cut out your tongue.” / “'Tis no matter, I shall speak as much wit as thou afterwards.”

i read it all and will use

[reginarubie]

La calza della Befana (Hang your stocking for the Hag) ~ will she bring you coal or candies?

Here you can find some sort of list for my most-read posts and my metas, to navigate this blog better if you wish!

But first of all:

STOP THE WAR, WHICHEVER WAR, WHEREVER IT'S FOUGHT. JUST STOP IT!

Metas ~ and relative asks

Keep in mind that some of them easily fit in more than one category but to avoid confusion I've not repeated them unless they were an ask which gave birth to a new category (like in the case of Mirri analysis).

Neutral

This category contains metas (and asks) which are conducted without shipping glasses or with as less favouritism as possible for those characters I like more than others as I try to keep an objective mind over events, characters and foreshadowings.

A juxtaposition of queens

This category contains metas (and asks) about the queens of asoiaf (Cersei, Margaery, Sansa, Daenerys) and it confronts them in several posts (sometimes all of them; sometimes only putting one against the others as they are used as political and moral rivals).

Sansa's defence and love

This category is a self-indulgent, love filled declaration for my favourite character in the whole asoiaf series, Sansa Stark (might not be your cup of tea if you hate her, but might be exactly what you are searching for if you'd like to read some love for our favourite gal without being an apologists of those — very few — mistakes she's made).

Jonsa foreshadowing

This category contains metas and posts and asks about the ship Jon Snow/Sansa Stark and its foreshadowings (thought better meta writers have written entire encyclopaedias about them, who are a treat to read!) throughout the books. Steer clear if you mislike this ship.

Dark Daenerys

This category encapsulates the foreshadowings and the proofs, in my opinion, of the dark Daenerys theory and of how her character is not as good and pious as the POV trap would have us believe.

Character analysis (asks and on my own)

A category filled with analysis (on my own or sparked by some asks) about the characters of the world of asoiaf. It contains also the sub-series Women of “A song of Ice and Fire” which focuses on less studied and cared for female characters of the world of asoiaf (some of them are still to be written and can be found in the “cooking in the pot” category down below) though for now we have Mirri Maz Duur, Lollys Stockeworth and Tysha Silverfist and Shella Whent and how they are linked to some main characters from the serie.

RS: characters back from the dead

A series analysing the characters of asoiaf who have been resurrected outright and those have been resurrected in a much subtle way and those who apparently are resurrected but actually might not be.

Cooking in the pot...

Sansa' empathy and courage (book canon) a series in two or three parts (still to be defined) about Sansa' empathy and courage.

Overlooked and interesting women of thrones (book canon) a series of posts and character analysis about the overlooked women of asoiaf (Mirri Maz Duur is the first of them, here; we'll be covering Lady Merryweather, Ellaria Sand and how dirty they played her in the show, Eroeh and Hazzea why Daenerys is forgetting them, Irri and Jihqui and Missandei, Myranda Royce & Mya Stone replacements for Jeyne Poole?, I might do a meta about Jeyne P. but I might wait a little bit to see if Winds gets published, Jeyne Westerling and her tragic love for Robb; and many more to come — also requested)

Arya and Samael, venom of (the) God(s) — if Azōr Ahaī is not a dark hero, or if he has a double face like Samael/Lucifer both faces of the same person but core different, spurned by the series of metas about the dark Azōr Ahaī and Daenerys biblical parallels.

Azōr Ahaī, different figures inspired by the same story?, what we know of him and the various legends born maybe of the same person and his/her legend (the last hero, the woman with the monkey tail, etcetera) why the differences might mean something for the ending.

Sansa' method of ruling (book and show canon) what she has learned and how it influences her ruling style; titled If I ever am queen, I'll make them love me.

How the Daenerys' upbringing has led her to be THE dragon (book and show canon), why her trauma explains her behaviour and may make us feel sympathy for the girl who wanted the house with the big, red door; but how it doesn't justify her actions, titled Why do the Gods make kings and queens?, dragons plant no trees.

Cersei Lannister vs Sansa Stark (book canon), their relationship and an analysis of their different mindset and ruling style (internalised misogyny vs feminism, privileged but hateful vs privileged but loving — fear vs love), titled Lions and Little doves (the dove is a sacred, holy symbol in the Bible, btw)

The Italian commedia dell'arte metas, a series of metas hinging on Sansa Stark and Jon Snow as their imo commedia dell'arte counterparts; a series composed (for now) of three parts (I might add to it): Sansa and La Colombina (Little Dove) a meta about the character of the Colombina, one of the most beloved characters of the Venice carnival; Jon Snow and Harlequin & Pierrot two heroes combined together to make Jon Snow, the romantic hero/fool and the somber, melancholic hero; Sansa Stark and Jon Snow, la Colombina and Arlecchino & Pierrot the loyal/disloyal servants (of their people interests) and romantic heroes.

Prompts

Here's the prompts I get.

Two students, just chillin' in a library, two feet apart, because they're both stubborn ft. Dandelions by Ruth B. , Dandelions in between pages.

Literally Anything Involving The Game Assassins, of the various quotes you've sent I've chosen three to get into the text: «You have me as a target, DID YOU JUST JUMP OUT OF A MOVING VEHICLE, ARE YOU INSANE?»; «I think the guy who has me as a target is in the student union, hey random person, can you pretend to be my partner and then break up with me so he feels bad and won't tag me», «I have you as a target but stalking you has made me fall in love with you», We were screaming in color.

Jon and Sansa do end up together, but same as Jon, Sansa has a few not tragical or abusing experiences in her lifetime before him too, for this lovely prompt: I guess you look happier [In another's arms]

Jon and Sansa do end up together, but— let’s see them through their exes’ eyes, a second installment for the lovely prompt of which above: All I know [I got addicted to a loosing game]

Wolf

Jon and Sansa do end up together, but — let's see them through their exes' eyes, the third installment for the lovely prompt of which above: It's time to face the truth [I'll never be with you]

The Jonsa Hag watches HotD

HotD 1x01 -> how did it turn from a “celebratory show” of the Targs and Daenerys in particular to an endless foreshadowing of why Daenerys was not meant to be queen in ten minutes of episode (plus many, many foreshadowing pertaining Jon Snow and/or fAegon)

The Jonsa Hag's brutally honest opinions

Part I (Jonarya)

Part II (Jonsa, Tommy/Grace, Aemond/Mera, Adam/Belle)

Part III (Sansaery, Daensa, Jonerys, Daenerys/Missandei, Rhaegar/Lyanna, NedCat, Ned/Ashara Dayne, Jaime/Cersei, Jaime/Brienne, Tyrion/Tysha; Merlin/Arthur, Arthur/Morgana, Arthur/Gwen, Gwen/Lancelot, Gwen/Leon, Steve/Nancy, Nancy/Jonathan, El/Mike, El/Will, Will/Mike, Steve/Robin, Robin/Nancy, Crissy/Eddie, Joyce/Jim)

Part IV (Sansaery another angle)

Part V (Viserys/Aemma)

Part VI (a bunch of HotD ships)

Part VII (Corlys/Rhaenys)

Part VIII (stop the Ned Stark slander)

Part IX (addition to the brutally honest opinions on Aemma/Viserys, Alicent/Viserys and the parallels with Rhaegar + Corlys and Rhaenys)

Fanfictions ~ sneak peeks, chapters update posts, guidelines

Empress of the World

Read it here on ao3 (wip, chapters no. 12)

Introduction and presentation of the fic, Empress of the World.

sneak peeks and chapter updates i, ii, iii, iv, v, vi, vii, viii, ix, x, xi, xii, xiii

art for the story (a gentle courtesy by @gingerdsnapped) part I and part II

world building part I — Westeros

world building part II — Empire of Valyria of Old, part I: history and legend

world building part III — Empire of Valyria of Old, part III: society, faith, law and customs

world building part IV — the court of Jaehaerys and Sansa part I

Soulbonded

Read it here on ao3 (wip, chapters no. 62)

Introduction and presentation (please, avoid the reblogs, it was a very sterile discussion about tags and unnecessary hate being hurled around like none business), Yn gaeth i'w enaid - Soulbonded

sneak peeks and chapter updates i, ii, iii,

guideline to the world, law and rules of soul marks in «Soulbonded», Law and differences

Dieb an youst (Wind of Ice)

Read it here on ao3 (wip, chapter no. 34)

Introduction and presentation, Dieb an youst (Wind of Ice)

sneak peeks i, ii

chapter updates and the Rebellion's factions, the Yellow Faction, the Silver faction, The Crown's faction, the Rebels

Like wolves in the darkness

Read it here on ao3 (wip, chapter no. 15); a canon-compliant (book canon) story which starts where we were left (tho I will cut out some parts or characters because otherwise I'd be writing the novel in GRRM' place and I'd do a poor job of it, tho Jonsa would be canon)

sneak peeks i, ii, iii, iv, v, vi, vii viii, ix, x, xi, xii

how I imagine the Starklings for this book canon fanfiction, art

Other fics you can read on my ao3 profile

I have several other stories (but I update them less frequently) you can find them here. We span from gender-bend, Merlin, asoiaf, The Hobbit and Narnia fandom to historical and modern AUs with many ships (you can find either requested fics or fics born of my own mind alone).

(I had implemented a list of them, but alas, the links were getting too many on this post — I might do another and link it down here, meanwhile, if you are interested, simply go to my ao3 page linked above and you'll find them all).

[not-me-simping-for-blasty]

domestic life w/ bakugou thoughts pt 2910488:

- biggest scary dog privilege imaginable. just- nobody is even going to look at you when you’re walking with bakugou. (bc even creeps wont try to provoke an animal that clearly has rabies)

- tries to eat as many meals as he can w/ you. regardless of what he says, he truly doesn’t like eating alone and will wait if he has to

- if u ever manage to drag him into a self-care day, he’s falling asleep .3 seconds in. somethin about the nice smelling products, your gentle hands against his skin, your soft voice explaining how long to leave his face mask on???? pls he’s out

- gets genuinely upset over any of his houseplants dying. like, full-day grieving event bc he feels frustrated over being a “failure” (he’s so dramatic i swear)

- rlly good at mumbling “5 more minutes- ‘s cold, don’t fuckin’ get up.” into your shoulder blades on the rare chance you try to leave the before he’s ready to

- he will fully argue w/ any pets you have. just, red in the face and debating w/ your cat who just swiped a glass off the table

- probably begs you to work out with him. n it’s so hard to say no bc he literally never asks for anything he truly wants. you’ll be wishing u did say no tho bc working out w/ him somehow feels way more like self-harm than self-improvement

- snores like a kitten. no u can’t convince me otherwise and no i will never under any circumstances be taking criticism about this

- bakugou normally gets up way earlier than u, but if u rlly wanna treat him, set his alarm back like 5-10 mins. while he “sleeps in” make him breakfast n eat w/ him before he goes off to work,,, 10/10 times he’ll almost be late out the door bc he can’t figure out how to stop pulling you into his arms (he can’t help it okay, it’s not his fault when you’re being so sweet)

- gossiping w/ him is genuinely entertaining. not bc he has anything of interest to share, but entirely bc of the comments he makes. like sometimes you’ll look over at him, and he’s just completely heated, spitting as he goes on a tirade about how your shared friend is such a “fuckin’ idiot, empty-headed, loser”

- runs into shit constantly. u cannot tell me this man isn’t clipping doorways w/ his shoulder, isnt accidentally cutting a corner and hitting his hip. he is. he just is.

- he probably does little stuff for u. like always making sure your pantry is stocked up w/ stuff you like to eat, or always replacing toilet rolls so you never have to run out. just tiny, minuscule every day stuff. like, if you’re not looking closely you’ll never notice, but once you do it’s like the list of all he does is endless

- calls his mother a lot actually. legitimately sounds like he wants to kill himself the entire time he’s on the phone, but always hangs up with a “Yeah, yeah, call you next week, hag. Same fuckin’ time. Don’t be late.” ,,, n then he keeps his word. he’s on the phone the same time next week w/out fail

- mans always has a hand on you. like if ur sitting next to him than his hand is on ur thigh, or wrapped around ur ankle, or idly running up the inside of ur arm,,, not even bc he’s trying to start something or anything,, he rlly just doesn’t realize he’s even doing it

- bakugou says that stupid as hell “I’m just resting my eyes” dad thing when he’s falling asleep and doesn’t want to admit it

- has a set of knives for cooking that only he is allowed to use. sometimes u swear he loves them more than he loves u

- u’ve never seen this man put something down gently. he has slammed down every item he has ever held in his hands

- probably sleeps all curled up into a ball. u cannot tell me that bakugou’s raging insecurities don’t have him absolutely locked up into fetal position every night

- lmao if u live with him long enough bakugou will straight up develop separation anxiety. like, he’ll just be pissy and disoriented and unsettled if he’s separated from the routine of being with u for too long

- has a frightening obsession with keeping your home bug-free. takes a slightly worrying amount of joy from squashing insects beneath his fingers

- sniffs food out, like a literal dog, before he eats it

- bakugou is such a primadonna about home decor. no rlly. if u ever try to pick out any major furniture without him, mans is throwing a fit

- taking him shopping is so funny lmao. if u faked that you were “worried about all the bags being heavy” and tried to “carry some of the burden” ,,,, pls u could have that fool looking like a pack animal by the end of the day. easy work bc his ego will never let u carry anything

- will melt immediately if you offer to give him a massage after he’s done w/ hero work for the day. just completely boneless beneath your fingers as he shuts his eyes

- bakugou probably does weird little exercises when he’s got too much energy. like he’s being annoying, complaining that he’s bored one moment and then next he’s got a yoga mat out and he’s rolling himself into a pretzel the next

- eats the nastiest looking health food you’ve ever seen. like it honestly looks disgusting but he swears its good for him

- will absolutely create new words just so he can call people incredibly targeted and personal slurs. gets the happiest u’ve ever seen him on the rare chance u repeat an insult he came up with

- bakugou will talk shit about ur neighbors even if he’s never met them. even if he’s never seen them. just cannot keep his mouth shut about anything ever and unfortunately ur unsuspecting neighbors make the easiest targets

- has a tendency to praise himself when bakugou feels that something he did goes unnoticed. like, if he did cleaned the kitchen and u don’t immediately comment on it then its “Wow, Katsuki, thank you so much for bustin’ your fuckin’ ass for this family! The kitchen looks great!” mumbled indignantly under his breath

- chugs any/all drinks he has ever had. breathes heavy afterwards like a toddler. its embarrassing for everyone involved

[default-username37]

TW: pregnancy

🎄 Christmas surprise 🎄

You had recently found out you were pregnant. You and Katsuki had been trying for a baby for about six months and finally you were pregnant. You wanted to surprise him for Christmas with the news. You’d gotten an ultrasound and a pregnancy test and wrapped it into a small box. You’d wrapped it like ten times thinking how funny I’d be to have your husband struggle to open it. It was Christmas Eve and you placed it under the tree with all the other gifts. You got ready for bed and laid into your king sized bed you shared. Bakugous quirk made his body pretty warm and he smelled nice. “C‘ mere.” He says sleepy. He opens his wide muscular arms embracing you. You fall asleep in his arms.

It’s Christmas morning and he cooks up cinnamon pancakes. You begin opening up your stocking, you got Bakugo a bunch of his own merch as a sorta joke. Like who sells Dynamight toothpaste. And he’s gotten you some lotion and candies. You move into gifts, you go first starting with a plushie. And he goes next and you got him new gloves custom made for his hero work. You go around taking turns opening gifts. His mom calls “Hey (y/n) how are you doing, Katsuki shut up I’m trying to speak to (y/n).” She yells. “I’m just breathing old hag!”he yells back. His moms so much like him it’s funny.

Finally you arrive at your special gift. He begins unwrapping the first layer then the second, then the third. “Why the fuck is it wrapped so much!” He shouts. You laugh at him struggling with it. Every layer he gets more aggressive with opening it. “This better be good!” He says in a sharp tone. Finally he’s reached the last layer, he almost rips the box open. The pregnancy test falls out onto the floor. “You got me a cheap toy stick, great.” He says. He looks at the stick and then at you annoyed then back at the stick. “Holy shit! Holy shit, really!” Be yells in an astounded tone. He rushes over to you and wraps his arms around you. “Don’t ever wrap something like that again you get that!” He tries to sound harsh but fails. He kisses you on your lips and forehead. “So this will be the last Christmas with just the two of us huh?” He jokes. He picks up the phone and calls his mom. “You're gonna be an even older hag, someone’s gonna call you grandma!” He yells into the phone. “What! Oh my god really, (y/n) you're gonna have a mini Katsuki good luck with that. I’ll take them off your hands at any time. Also Katsuki you better not screw this up!” She yells loudly. He hangs up and picks you up and says “you two are the best presents!” “I love you.” You say. “I love you too!” He says. He kisses you and picks you up bridal style.

The end

[pact-ideas]

Ways your characters can transition between genders within the mechanics of dnd

this is not at all what this blog is usually about but I recently watched Identity: a trans coming out story by philosophy tube and like a true nerd I saw a moving and breath-taking piece of art and immediately attempted to apply it to Dungeons and dragons.

1. The Witches brew

The viscous green liquid within the cauldron bubbled as a wizened hand stirred with a gnarled wooden spoon “Sip once a day, every day for a year” croaked the witch “but never during the full moon”

A potion or blessing provided by the local wise woman/witches coven/hag that will slowly but surely transform the subject. This idea is maybe less steeped in the mechanics of dnd but this idea seems so classically witchy i had to include it plus this would likely be the only method of transition available for the common folks in your average dnd setting, for DM’s a fun level 1 adventure for your hero's could maybe include a character wishes to brew a potion of transitioning but is missing a vital ingredient and the party must set off on a quest to find it or it could be more of a long term thing, maybe one of the PCs is using such a potion and must occasionally either return to the witches hut to stock up or gather the ingredients themselves, lots of possibilities.

I thought that a slower transformation was appropriate since witches are fairly low level in the grand scheme of things however hags are known for making deals so maybe your character has bargained for a faster transition but then the question is what did they offer in exchange?

2. By Divine Favour

You kneel and whisper a prayer as you had done a thousand times before but this time something was different, from the sky, a beam of golden light falls down upon you and you feel power deep within your bones.

The gods are the most powerful creatures in the lore of dnd but with that comes a degree of separation, the gods are not likely to grant your wishes just because you asked so your best bet is to go to a cleric or become one yourself, spell wise however there is little they can do for you unless the dm has a very generous interpretation of the term ‘restoration’ luckily clerics have the divine intervention feat where they roll a d100 and if the number they roll is below their cleric level they can call on their deity for aid with a specific task, this task can be anything from drying out the laundry with some sun beams or alleviating dysphoria with a godly transfiguration. clerics get this ability at level 10 which means that there's a one in ten chance of success from the beginning and they can perform it once per long rest so just hang out with them for a fortnight and wait for luck to turn your way.

3. A Pact From Beyond

You hang in space as if swimming in an ocean and flying through the clouds all at once. You feel a mind older that time and vast enough to swallow a city whole asks you “what is it you desire?”

Here we are at my bread and butter. Eldritch pacts have been made for much less than a definitive change of identity so you could also throw in that your friends and family will only remember you as your new identity or you could just have anyone who ever deadnames you sucked into the nine hells.

There are other option if you don’t want to base your entire pact on transitioning. At second level you gain access to eldritch invocations one of which could be mask of many faces which allows you to cast disguise self at will without using a spell slot, what this means is that you can decide how your character looks 100% of the time. disguise self only lasts an hour but you can just cast it again and again. obviously this is a low level ability so it does have limits, the main draw back is that the spell is only an illusion. you can make your character look a certain way but you can’t change their body, at least until 7th level when you can get the sculptor of flesh invocation that allows you to cast polymorph but sadly you do have to use a spell lot for this invocation so even though you will have a proper transformation it will at most last an hour.

but hey the situation isn't hopeless I’ve heard that unfathomable eldritch beings are very reasonable creatures as long as you are willing to negotiate.

4. Find a wizard

“The ritual lasts an hour and requires you to be completely submerged” Said the kindly old man as he excitedly hopped around his arcane laboratory showing off his research which is complete gibberish to you “the magic of the clay will sustain you but if you are uncomfortable with the sensation of not breathing I have some improvised wooden reeds which you could use to breath through however a foreign body within the ritual may require me to take a little extra time to...” 

You silence him with a wave of your hand “Don't worry about it.” You lie back on the table “Lets begin,” 

Wizards have access to a larger amount of spells that other classes but only a few of those spells are fit for our purposes, Wizards have access to disguise self which we discussed in the previous section as well as alter self which would be perfect for our needs if it wasn't for the hour long time limit, if you can find a way to keep the alter self spell up indefinitely through either a magic item or a round the clock team of spell casters who take turns casting every hour, you would have a better time but even then it is an ongoing magical effect so it can be cancelled either by a dispel magic spell or an antimagic field but fear not dear reader! for wizards have the ultimate trans spell... Widowgast’s Transmogrification.

Now technically this spell isn’t part of official dnd material however the world the spell exists in is an official dnd world so I consider it cannon by proxy. Widowgast’s transmogrification is a spell that permanently transforms a willing humanoids body into another type of humanoid body this means you can change the race and/or gender of the subject. So you essentially get to look exactly how you want to with no magical baggage. There are some drawbacks of course this is a 6th level spell so you need to be at least an 11th level wizard to be able to cast it or you need to find a trustworthy wizard which is a challenge in of itself plus the spell components are costly but in my opinion the pros of the unique spell outweigh the cons.

[toadwarts]

Safe At Last

Two humans in love manage to escape from an abusive home and right into the twisted world of Mother Miranda's village. After fleeing from mutated monsters, they meet with The Duke, who offers them board and food in exchange for their work. It is their first night in his caravan, and they discover that they may have another person to add to their romance...

Fluffy and flirtatious, this is a self indulgent and simple fic about The Duke and polyamory. It is written first person, but made so you can also insert yourself into the narrative if you so please.

Read on A03 or Fanfiction! Or you can read here, below the Read More!

I stared down at my empty bowl, reveling in the warm feeling of a full stomach. The Duke’s cooking was more than high quality--it was incredible. It had been a long, long time since either I or my partner had a meal with high quality ingredients, and not something wilted, slightly green and fuzzy at the edges, or simply scraps from someone else’s meal. 

I looked over at my partner, a calm feeling unfolding in my chest. They looked right at home here in the back of The Duke’s caravan, surrounded by the wealthy man’s various wares. A content, dazed expression was fitted on their hard features, and when they met your eyes their own lit up. 

“Did you like your meal?” They asked, smiling as they nodded to my bowl. It was clearly a tease, since I had all but licked it clean. 

“I don’t know, did you?” I laughed, playfully knocking into their shoulder with my own.

“Yeah, I think I could eat this food forever!” They said, patting their stomach and leaning back on the elegant couch we were sitting on.  “Plus, it doesn’t seem like the vampires or lycans come anywhere near here.” Their gaze flitted up to the garlic hanging overhead, then back to me. “Do you feel safe here?” 

I paused. Before we had run away to find the village, my partner and I...had not had the best of lives. Trapped beneath my mother’s thumb for years into adulthood, we lived in a less than sterile and a more than hostile environment. It felt as if the trauma was as much a part of me as the bones beneath my skin. 

Then of course, the village...was not as dream-like as we had hoped. We had narrowly escaped a group of lycan like creatures before stumbling upon the Duke’s caravan. He had offered us a place to stay and some food to eat in the back of his wagon in exchange for work--seeking out wares, cleaning, and just a little bit of heavy lifting. It was our first evening here and so far… It seemed too good to be true. 

“I do feel safe.” I finally said, swallowing down the hard lump in my throat. “But that’s what scares me.” 

They leaned back, sighing heavily. “I know how you feel. It makes me wary, but...what choice do we have?” 

“He does seem nice.” I nodded in agreement. “Even if he is very interested in his stock.” 

My partner laughed, their hand encircling mine as they pulled me close. “It’ll be okay. Maybe this is what we’ve been looking for! He did say he travels...so who knows where we might end up?” 

“I don’t mind as long as it’s far, far away from there.” I whispered, suddenly choked up. I couldn’t believe we were really gone. That we were in this immaculate, clean and beautiful oversized wagon, with an immaculate, clean and...admittedly, beautiful oversized man. A kind man. We would never have to go back to that evil place ever again. 

“Never again.” They whispered, pulling me close and planting a kiss upon my forehead. “I love you, dearest.” 

“And I love you.” I returned, nuzzling into the crook between their neck and shoulder. 

The back of the caravan swung open then, letting the fading light of dusk in. “Well, well, how are we doing back here, little ones?” The Duke stood before us, leaning on an ornate cane to support his heft. He was a massive man, both in height and girth, immaculately groomed and dressed to the nines. He was the finest gentleman either of us had ever seen for sure, and we felt lucky to have been found by him. 

“We’re okay,” I said shyly, standing up. “The meal was absolutely perfect. Thank you so much!”

“Of course, of course!” The Duke smiled broadly. “I quite enjoy cooking, so if there’s anything in particular you have a craving for, just let me know. All I’ll need is assistance procuring ingredients, but that should be no trouble at all.” He heaved himself up the steps to the caravan, ducking through the doorway and coming inside. He had quite the mighty presence indeed, radiating a quiet elegance and strength despite his jovial tone and quaint attitude. 

“Is there anything you need us to do tonight?” I asked as my partner took our bowls. My feet ached terribly from running so much , and I shifted a little from side to side. Like The Duke, I was also fat, and unaccustomed to the sort of travel and fleeing we had been facing in the days prior. I yearned to sit back down, but my politeness won me over. 

“No dear, not tonight.” The Duke said. “You two just rest after everything you’ve been through. Tomorrow is an early day though, so do be prepared!” He walked over to the couch, settling down with a sigh. “I have some stock for Castle Dimitrescu, so we will be heading there.” 

“Castle Dimitrescu?” My partner said, dubious. “I heard...less than good things about that place. I’ve already dealt with enough vampire hags!” 

The Duke laughed heartily, as if my dear one had said quite the funny joke. “No need to fret! I have a truce with all of Castle Dimitrescu, as well as the other Lords you have heard about, so there is nothing to fear since you are now being employed by me. You simply have to look pretty and do a good job of peddling my wares.” He winked, leaning back. 

My partner blushed, and so did I. The Duke was also a rather straightforward man. 

I kept shifting from foot to foot, feeling uncomfortable but doing my best to not to show weakness. Before, weakness had gotten me beatings and beratings. Though The Duke seemed benevolent, I had no desire to discover if he had a dark side. 

“Are you alright, little one?” He asked, eying me up and down. “Feet hurting? After a long day, I certainly know how that feels. But you’ve had many long days, yes?” 

I grimaced. “Ah… Yes. They are, a bit.” I flushed with embarrassment. 

The Duke leaned forward. “Why not have a seat, my dear?” His face crinkled with concern. “No reason to cause further harm to yourself. Rest easy now.” 

I began to lower myself to the floor, but jumped back up when the large man’s jarring laugh rang throughout the back of the wagon. “W-What?” I said, flustered. My partner was then protectively at my side, their hand at the small of my back. 

“You don’t need to sit on the floor! While it is certainly a nice one, that will only hurt your back.” The Duke said. 

“But...there’s no where else to sit.” I looked around. Duke took up the couch we had been sitting on, and there was really nowhere else to go but the floor now, unless we went to The Duke’s bed further in the caravan. The thought made me flush. 

“You can sit right here, I don’t mind.” The Duke patted his sides. His ample belly and the arms of the couch made for a makeshift seat for sure. “And you too,” He said, pointing to my partner. “I know you, the strong type--never wanting to rest, always pushing yourself for everyone else. Come, be comfortable, and let’s chat.” 

I looked up at my partner, face red as a bushel of roses. I was delighted to see that they were too. It was rare that I saw my partner this flustered, and it made butterflies dance in my stomach. 

“Are you comfortable with that?” They asked me, squeezing my hand, a knowing look in his eyes. We had talked about this sort of thing before, but nothing had ever come to reality. 

I nodded, feeling like a storm of wasps was zooming around in my guts. The Duke really was incredibly straightforward, but it didn’t seem as if he had any ulterior motives. He just wanted to offer comfort and good company to both of us--and I guess it was obvious that both my partner and I thought he was pretty cute. 

My partner glided forward, hand still in mine. We stood before The Duke, who had a calm and knowing smile on his face. He offered his hands to each of us, which we shyly but gladly took. We climbed up on either side of him, settling down and reveling in the softness of his sides. We sat there stiffly for a moment, feeling completely out of our leagues. 

The Duke chuckled gently, his strong arms coming ‘round to encircle us. I felt myself go stiff when his hand brushed against my back, the cool metal of his rings soothing as he placed his hand there. “Is this alright?” He asked both of us coolly, looking from my partner to me. I nodded, locking eyes with my partner as he nodded too. 

My partner was long and thin, a wonderful contrast when sidled up next to the massive Duke. I was short and fat, but even I felt swallowed up by The Duke’s own plush body. He felt like the world’s comfiest...well, not human exactly, but something.

“Good, good. Last thing I want is to make my newest proteges uncomfortable.” The Duke nodded firmly before beginning to rub soft circles into my back. “Now, try to relax. The two of you deserve it. “ 

I let myself lean into The Duke, resting my head atop his pillowy chest. I relaxed into his side with a soft sigh, relinquishing myself to his soothing touch. 

“Protege?” My partner asked, their tone light. “Since when were we your proteges rather than just employees?” 

“I don’t let just anyone handle my wares!” The Duke announced with a chuckle. “I could tell there was something special about the two of you. I’ve heard of the sensation of le coup de foudre.” 

“Love at first sight.” My partner said coyly. “You don’t play around, do you?” They slid an arm over The Duke’s soft belly, reaching for my hand. Tenderly, I reached my own arm forward, taking their hand in mine in an embrace that came as easy as breathing to me. The feeling of my partner’s fingers squeezing mine atop the pillowy expanse of Duke’s midsection was heaven. 

“Oh no, not when there’s sales to be made!” The Duke laughed brightly. “And new friends to make. Perhaps more?” 

I reveled in The Duke’s scent--rich cologne intermingled with the faint touch of expensive cigar smoke. I looked into my partner’s eyes, bright as the sun itself. I let myself relax even more, cuddling up to The Duke and relinquishing myself to comfort. I was finally free, ready to face the world with the love of my life, and we had both run right into the arms of someone else with plenty of love to give. The future was surely ripe with possibilities.

Both of them smiled down at me, and I felt...safe. 

Safe at last. 

[dapandapod]

Jaskier needs a hug

Honestly, @the-glorious-half-pints-twin, this started out as your prompt and morphed into something else. Im intending to write your prompt more properly because it’s super cute ang got Soft Potential that I crave.

But this is not what brain did today, so this is looooooosely based on your prompt, with another on it’s way. 

In the mean time, please have goofy random cuddles with a Dramatic Jaskier and Geralt with.. kind of a sense of humor?

Anyway, please enjoy!   On Aoe here!

                                                      ~~*~~ 

It’s been weeks. Months. Years.

Yes, Jaskier is dramatic, what do you want?! Point is, Jaskier needs a hug. Just a hug. Arms around him, or his arms around somewhere else. He isn’t fuzzy, but frankly, there isn’t too much to hug around these parts. 

All the good ladies are taken (it’s not much of a problem but Geralt uses that unhappy frown on him for days if he goes for it), most of the men lack most of their teeth (not really required for hugging, but that is usually not their only problem) and in general, most people he met wanted hugs to go somewhere behind closed doors.

Not that Jaskier minds, but he really, really just wants a hug.

What’s left in options is various monsters, trees, Roach and that one Witcher that accompanies her. Yes, he is talking about Geralt, keep up. 

Monsters, depending on the kind, would probably give him a great hug. Only once though, because he would likely die from it. To be honest, the trees weren't so bad. The trick is to choose correctly, and when Geralt comes looking for him he claims he is lost. It worked twice, after that Geralt tied a rope around his middle to keep him from straying. If he tries to hug Roach he will meet one out of two outcomes. If not both.

Roach will bite him. Or Geralt will bite him. 

And that likely applies if Jaskier actually would work up the nerve to actually try to hug that giant frown of a man.

So yes, Jaskier is grumpy, Jaskier is dramatic, and Jaskier wallows in these two moods and expresses it like an artform. Drapes it around his being like a fashionable cape. Swirls it around himself as he turns, dazzling all around him with grump and drama.

He really doesn’t expect Geralt to pick up the root of the problem. That might not even be what is going in, but three days into moping (because let’s be honest, that’s what this is) Geralt tires of the entire thing.

They are watering Roach just a little way off the main road. Jaskier is sighing loudly, kicking at the leaves and high grass and anything that happens to stick up.

He still has the rope around the middle, courtesy of his latest try to hug a tree, and suddenly there is a tug.

“Stop.”

Tug.

“Quit it.”

Tug tug.

“Fucking… What?? Geralt??” Jaskier turns around, all flare, to give Geralt a taste of that glare he may or may not try to be copying from said witcher.

There is this really tacky dance move Jaskier has seen at very very late night festivals. When one person refuse to dance, and the other pretends to pull at a rope to bring them to the dancefloor.

Picture this, but nobody is dancing and there is actually a rope.

Geralt is pulling Jaskier closer, looking all serious and stone faced and how else you wish to describe that dumb dumb face of his.

“What are you- Why?! What are you doing?” Jaskier doesn’t struggle, but he doesn’t really cooperate either. Just like that dance move he ends up being dragged over to Geralt.

They stand only an arms width away from each other, Roach moved from the creek to graze at the grass, ignoring them completely.

Jaskiers pulse speeds up. Last time Geralt asked him to come closer and Jaskier blindly complied, he earned himself a punch in the gut. On the other hand, this time Geralt physically pulled him closer.

Should he...possibly.. maybe try to hug Geralt?

Before he gets the chance to try, Geralt grabs his shoulders with both hands and looks at him gravely.

“Jaskier.”

“Yes?”

“You stink.”

And toss him straight into the creek.

It’s not very deep, but it’s enough to completely soak him as he falls face first. He swallows one big mouthful of muddy water, he spits and coughs with loud protests and moaning.

“THIS IS SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME SMELL BETTER?! ARE YOU DAFT?!” 

He rises from the creek like a water hag, water dripping from all of his expensive clothes. He marches straight up to Geralt, heart set on revenge.

Yeah, Geralt weighs a ton. Have you seen the guy? He is huge, and even if he isn’t traveling in his armor it is impossible to get a good grip. Geralt is entirely too good at steering off attacks.

Fine.

Jaskier doesn’t fear death.

So he marches straight back into that creek.

Falls into it, hugs it if you will, and turns around again all soaking wet.

Take aim.

Launch.

And throws himself at Geralt. Not in the intent of trying to push Geralt in the water, but with the intent to bring as much water on Geralt as he can. Like a sponge.

Either Geralt did not anticipate this course of action, or he accepted it. Kind of.

There is some slapping and flailing but then Jaskier presses himself against Geralt's side, wrapping his arms around his chest and clenching that stupid (and STINKY, Geralt! Take a bath!!) tunic and soaking it as best he can.

“Hah!” Jaskier is so pleased with himself, he throws a leg around Geralt and dries himself off like a dog on grass, rubbing his hair and face against Geralt's shoulder.

So it takes him a moment to realize that Geralt is laughing.

He stops, looks up in wonder. No, not looking, staring. Geralt is laughing, throwing his head back that gives him that adorable little double chin. 

Jaskier doesn’t let go.

Of course not. This is way better than hugging a tree. 

“Done moping now? Idiot.” Geralt puts a hand on his forehead and shoves him off. Jaskier is too busy staring at that smile to struggle. There are wet patches on his tunic so Geralt takes it off in a smooth motion.

“What do you say, we make camp here for today? Wash our clothes and clean up? I'm sure they will put away the pitchforks in the village if we don’t announce ourselves by smelling. ...Uh. Earth to Jaskier? Hellooo?” 

Jaskier is not done staring. Smiles and bare chest will do that to a man. But he closes his mouth at least, so that is an improvement.

It takes a few minutes to get his brain functions back.

During that time Geralt takes off Roaches gear and she goes a bit further away to find more tasty things to eat.

They actually get around to bathe and clean their clothes. They bask in the warm sun, laying in the grass and just enjoy the nature around them and each other's company.

Jaskier seeking revenge probably doesn’t count as a hug, but he will take it. It feels a bit better and he is ready to hang the Cloak of Dramatics on the rack for a while and just enjoy the moment.

But again, Geralt surprises him.

As they prepare for settle in for the night, rolling out their bedrolls (with a respectable distance, thank you very much) Geralt sits against a tree and leans back.

Again, Geralt tugs him closer. This time by the tunic that he got to borrow, pulling him straight down between Geralt's knees and capturing him in a bear hug. 

Two hugs. In one day.

“Uh… Geralt?”

Jaskier doesn’t dare to move, not daring to wrap his arms around the witcher. They are chest to chest, Geralt holding him in an iron grip.

“Yes?” Geralt mutters, holding him just a little closer.

“Are you.. Why are you hugging me?”

It feels like his chest is swelling three sizes, a tingling sensation spreading through his limbs, closely followed by a warmth. 

“I'm not.”

It’s Jaskiers time to chuckle.

“Oh really?”

“Mmhm.”

Geralts offers up absolutely nothing, but Jaskier now dares to let his arms circle around Geralt's shoulder with a soft sigh. Not the restless, dramatic and grumpy kind that he did before, but a content exhale. 

“I really needed this.” Jaskier admits to Geralt's shoulder There is no way he is telling Geralt, he has been behaving really badly today.

“No shit. I absolutely didn’t notice you hugging everything in your immediate vicinity.” Geralt drawls sarcastically. 

Geralt's warm, callused hand finds its way under Jaskiers tunic. Little electric sparks climbing up his spine and he buries his head in Geralt's neck.

Up until this very point, this could very much be something one friend does for another.

Still could be.

But also not.

And if there is one thing Jaskier wouldn’t mind, it’s that. 

Only, he is afraid it will go away if he points it out. 

Jaskier has seen it one too many times before.

And Geralt is the one person he does not wish to lose. His heart is beating hard, with every breath he takes in the (now much better) smell of his friend, breathing him in deep.

“Are you sniffing me?” Shit.

“No.” Jaskier says and yelps when Geralt pinches his side.

“Fine, fucking… yes. So what. You smell good.”

Geralt falls weirdly quiet and Jaskier has time to have a small internat panic attack and prepare to be shoved away.

“You can sniff me if you want.” Geralt says quietly.

They are stock still in each other's arms. It’s an odd thing to do, an odd thing to say. Jaskier finally caves and pushes his face a little deeper in the crook of Geralt's neck.

Geralt's hands climb higher over Jaskiers' back, and he leans his head against Jaskiers.

“You smell good too.” Jaskier almost dies. “Well. Now you do. Before the bath, not so much.”

“Fuck you.” Jaskier chuckles.

“Nah. Would be real awkward in the morning.” Geralt says, and again they both freeze. Yeah, this is one weird night.

They don’t say anything more after this. Just sits there under the tree, listening to the evening birds and Roachs munching in the distance. 

And if they pulled their bedrolls closer together, and slept with their legs tangled, and woke up too warm curled together, that is just what friends do for each other when you feel lonely.

Probably not.

But that is not a conversation they are ready to have.

For now, there are only hugs.

[popculturebuffet]

Scottrospective: Scott Pilgrim Vs the Universe or So Sad So Very Very Sad

Hello all you happy Scottaholics! And welcome back to Scottrospective, my 8 part look at Scott Pilgrim: all 6 volumes of the comic as well as the game and movie just in time for their respective 10th Anniversaries. If your just joining us or needa  quick refresher, here are links to the other four parts, in order: Precious Little Life, Vs The World (Comic), Infinite Sadness, and last month’s look at my favorite volume Gets It Together. And if that’s not enough to fill your belly with Scotty Goodness, hop over to my patreon, patreon.com/popculturebuffet.  There you’ll find reviews of all the content I didn’t have time for in the retrospective proper: Free Scott Pilgrim, The Wonderful World of Kim Pine, Monica Beetle, Style, and the bonus comic strips. It’s only a dollar to get access to the bonus reviews, and every bit you can give not only helps me make these reviews int he first place, but gets me closer to my stretch goals, the 25 and 30 dollar ones including looks at O’Malley’s Other Works: Lost At Sea and Seconds for the former and Snotgirl for the latter. 

But more than plugging my past and paid works, there’s something else far more important I need to get to before I get into this one: Thank You. No Seriously thank all of you who have been reading these, liking them. My Precious Little Life Review is easily one of the most liked things i’ve ever had on this blog, getting more viewers every day, and last month’s look at Gets it Together is STILL racking up likes. Given most of my non-duck reviews, paid for and on my own time, tend to be ignored half the time, this just warms my heart. It shows me two great things: that even after a decade Scott Pilgrim still has a huge following and given how young this platform tends to skew that it’s gaining more fans every day, and that people care about what I have to say about htis wonderful comic. It really touches me to both know my voice matters and that something I truly loved as a teen and still do now is STILL picking up more and more fans. What i’m saying is you guys are the best and I wouldn’t be doing these reviews without your support of my very hard work. These are some of the hardest reviews i’ve done at times, but seeing you all enjoy them makes it all worth it. 

As for the Volume itself there’s something I just gotta get off my chest right away: I HATED this volume when it came out. To understand why you have to consider my mental state: I was a teenager at the time, in my junior year of high school. Scott Pilgrim was my goddamn world: while I was picking up comics monthly at the time this was honestly the first north american comic I loved and obessed over and Scott and friends were like family to me. To an awkward teen who couldn’t talk to girls, struggled to keep the video game club a friend founded together in a way that in hindsight was wholly unecessary, and getting messed with due to my anger issues by friend, foe and frenemy alike, Scott was my port in the storm. A sunny version of Tornoto where I could retreat to to feel at peace.

So yeah this shattered the fuck out of that peace and was essentially one long slow motion kick to the balls to a younger me: Hollie gets derailed and horribly betrays Kim, runing my faviorite characters life and leading to her LEAVING, Scott and Ramona’s relationship crumbles, the band breaks up , and the volume ends with Gideon still gunning for our hero because life hadn’t punched him in the face enough for one month. I was livid, not stopping the series, obviously, but upset that everything i’d grown to care about was basically gone in a flash and couldn’t understand WHY O’Malley would fucking do this to me. This volume was also what kept me from re-reading the books for as long as I did as while the rest had fond memories all the ones I had of this one were pure misery.

But by the time i re-read it in december of last year I had two important things in my hands that helped me truly enjoy this one: The first was Volume 6 itself: knowing things would work out, that most of the bad stuff would be undone and in a truly awesome and satisfying way helped.

The other thing was the perspective that came with growing older: For one as an adult while I still like Scott as a character and find him intresting I no longer look up to him, nor put stock in his hapiness for his own. Sure I still care about characters and relate to some, but Bojack Horseman taught me the hard way you CAN’T put all your hopes in a character’s fate or them getting better for you to get better. 

The other is that while this volume again is pretty bleak after a while.. it’s also NECESSARY. Part of the series charm is i’ts realisim and a sad part of real life is people can drift apart from you, and things can change seemingly all at once. And things moving the way they do is necessary for the ending: every step and move here puts things where they need to be for the final chapter.  The pain our heroes go through is necessary so they can all grow.. except Stephen and Wallace. Stephen sucks and Wallace dosen’t need to change. He does need his own spinoff. But for Scott, Ramona and Kim the trials to come are necessary to make them into their best selves by series end. 

So join me under the cut as we get sad so very very sad, this is Scott Pilgrim vs the Universe. 

Precious Little Life:  We open with Scott’s Birthday! Hit it MC Chris!

But yes it’s septmeber and Scott is now 24 years old. Also Julie is there because presumibly Stephen dredged her out of her swamp for the evening despite Julie likely not wanting to be there and Scott sure a shell not wanting her there.  He vows that he will be the best 24 year old ever...... yeah let’s take a brief look into the future to see how that pans out

But we have a full volume and more metaphorical rakes to whack Scott in the face before that paticular one. 

A MONTH AND A FEW DAYS LATER

It’s the day of the dead, whoa ho way down in Tornoto. It’s hosted by Satan Herself, who dosen’t realize the holiday for hags was yesterday. This is for remembering the dead and rising out of the grave to go resuce your young wards by ramming a bunch of guys in butterfly costumes with your car or stealing your children’s kidneys.  This is Rat Girl’s new place, a fancy loft she and 3 other girls went on to throw the best parties beaause of course. She’s also a bitch to our hero and heroine because of course. 

But Scott soon has more important things to worry about: Ramona spots his next two opponents.. the twins hinted at last time, Kyle and Ken Kataynagi, Perfect Jerk and Handsome Asshat respectively.

Kyle and Ken are easily the least intresting of the 7 exes. With the other 4 so far having been a loveable ham, a stoic movie star whose suprisingly nice and dies via skateboard, a gloriously douchey and dumb psychic evil version of our much more loverable dumb douche with personal connections to both him and Ramona, and Roxy who was genuinely sympathetic, held back by her own selfishness and anger.. we get.. two smug assholes who use robots. Their not UNINTRESTING, the robots have cool designs and the fight with them is genuinely exciting.. but they just don’t have the charisma or personal factor. Their jsut two assholes ramona dated at the same time who happen to know more about her well guarded past than the other exes and are more liable to bring it up.. and even then it’s not anything new as Envy pulled similar tactics far more intrestingly in volume 3. THey don’t ruin the volume or anything, thier fine, but I just wish O’Malley had done more. Especially since he clealry had more intresting ideas with them: the sound battle we saw in the movie was an early draft of this and one early draft had Scott’s previously unseen brother Laurence working with them. I don’t knowWHY he scrapped that as it raises the stakes and makes this far more personal for Scott. Which at this point is what the exes SHOULD be: Todd and Roxy BOTH were more personal threats, Todd being his ex’s boyfriend and first love and Roxy being a genuine competior for Ramona. These guys again are just two douchers who show up because we need 7 douchers to complete the doucher circle. 

So the twins declare their not going to fight scott.. and instead send a tiny robot to fight him. Awww. But for this fight O”Malley does something really intresting and creative.. he dosen’t focus on it. No really Ken and Kyle are dicks to Ramona so Kim wisely gets her out of there, and the two have a casual talk on the balcony while Ramona smokes. It’s some fun banter between the two that both shows why their shipped to all hell. The two just play off each other really damn well. Though we also get Craphole asking people if they want to come watch Scott get beat up because the worst. 

Something important character stuff comes up though: As was shown last time at her rightful rage that Stephen HAD an opportunity to book a gig and kept refusing it for his fecking album, Kim is still fairly salty about the whole recording an album bullshit. The biggest part of it..

It’s something you really DON’T expect to here coming out of kim: that she really LIKED the band. But beneath the pillar of salt she puts out daily... these were her friends, this was getting to do something creative and passionate, and it was a break from the daily grind. Even if her job isn’t TERRIBLE, getting to watch movies and hang out with her best friend Clerks style.. it’s still a retail job and those still weigh on you.. though frankly i’d take one of those over food service but sadly tha’ts what i get most of the time. This was fun.. and Stephen ripped that away from her for his own selfish reasons. No one else in the band really cared about making an album.. if Stephen REALLY wanted to find a more professional band.. then he should’ve just told them so Scott and Kim could find someone else to do guitars for them. Instead he forced them into doing something they don’t want to do and refuses to actually play shows, which COULD help both perfect songs for the album version and get them new fans for said upcoming album and provide them recurring venues to SELL said album,  because he really just wants to be with Joseph and fuck anyone else. Stephen is really just an inhernetly selfish git and i’ll get more into that in a bit. But first Wallace has a text for Scott. 

Now I COULD have just skipped over this.. but I didn’t want to. Plus we dont’ se Wallace for a while in this story so i’m taking what I can get. 

So back to Stephen being a repugnant ass. I’ve been waiting for this scene for the entire retrospective. I”ve hinted at it, and largely blamed it for why I hate him so damn much. The time is nigh to explain WHY. 

Stephen is with Knives, as the two are close friends and such. Stephen expalins Sex Bomb-Omb isn’t playing because he and the personfication of bitchiness broke up. Which knives points out is for...

But it’s clear from context this was the LAST time. Why he still got invited I dunno, plot convience. So far so normal.. until Stephen picks up that Knives is STILL hung up on Scott. Which is understandable crushes can last a while but i’ts equally understandable that Stephen is utterly baffled by it. Which I get,  I didn’t make an entire tom lucitor retropsecitve because I liked that his relationship with Star ended with him stepping aside due to what the show thought was “true wuv” but what comes off instead as his self loathing casuing him to blame himself for a realtionship that’s crumbling for reasons that aren’t his fault. 

And his actions here are incredibly well meant: He bluntly gives Knives the wake up call she DOES need: Scott cheated on her, he dated her because she was easy to date, strung her along for a bit while seeing someone else, then dumped her with not one care for her well being. That is stuff she NEEDS to get into her head so she can move on. She needs to see him for what he IS and not for what she’s built him up as in her head. And while yeah his rant DOSNE’T take into account the fact Scott geninely tried to make up for his actions in volume 3, Stephen wasn’t there for that and Knives probbably didn’t tell him about it.  So from his point of view scott broke her heart and did nothing.. and evne IF he knew that, Scott still hasn’t tried to do anything since despite Knives still being obessed with him nor come clean to her or Ramona at any point. Scott deserves this call out and the consequences that come with it. 

So your probably wondering WHY I hate Stephen because of this scene when he’s you know, RIGHT. Well it’s simple: being right dosen’t save you from being a MASSIVE hypcorite. He’s railing on Scott for cheating and hurting someone.. when he cheated on Julie and would’ve hurt her if she had the capacity for human emotion, empathy, or self awarness. The ending of the last volume and how bad, even for them, their relationship was implied the hell out of it, with him nervous when she brings up being paranoid over knives.. as if he WAS cheating. on One Face just not with a teenage girl but a grown ass man who hates everyone as much as BLARARARGAGAG does. 

Not only that.. but he was with Julie for the SAME DAMN reasons Scott was with Knives: it was easy. Now I WILL grant Stephen some sympathy: he’s a queer man and as one myself, bi for the record, I GET how fucking hard it is to come to terms with that, that what you thought you were isn’t ENITRELY true or, if Stephen is gay and not bi or pan, ENIRELY FALSE. So I do have some care that it was hard for him to sort all this out. I do and that Jospeh could’ve seduced him or what not. We don’t have all the context here. But he STILL cheated at the end of the day instead of telling her he was queer until MONTHS later.  And why yes the fact I have to feel bad for JULIE does make it that much worse. And yes their relationsihp COULD simply be that toxic or she could’ve gaslit him, but it seemed more like their relationship was messy breakups and getting back together over and over. While Julie IS vile, she’s not a domestic abuser mental or physical as far as I can tell. She’s a bitch and their relatioship is unehlathy but there was no indication their relationship involved gaslighting or evne phsyical violence: it was just fucked from minute one. So yeah he stayed in an awful relationship beacuse it was easier than coming out, when he should’ve broken it off as soon as it was clear he and Joseph were actually going somewhere. Waiting while he figured out who he was is one thing, tha’ts fiar, but cheating on someone just because you don’t have the nerve to break it off with them when their genuinely awful to you and your only hurting them as much as they can be hurt by dragging this out... yeah that just makes you an ass. 

Another point of contention is that he NEVER called Scott out on this. Never. Not even after this scene. Never encouraged him to tell Ramona or apologize to Knives, again he didn’t know Scott already had tried that. Never gets on him.. he just ignores Scott’s shitty behavior like eveyrone else and unlike Kim, whose still got unresolved feelings and is at the very least clearly bothered by his shitty behavior, and Neil, whose young and thus like me likely looked up to Scott at the time, he dosen’t have an excuse other than “Well I don’t want to ruin our friendship by actually calling him out when he does something objectivionally awful.” Especially since Wallace DID actually take action: he didn’t break up the relationship or say anythign to Ramona, which is wrong... but he did tell scott flat out after his first date with Ramona to break up with Knives. And when Scott chickned out of that, Wallace gave him the ultimatium, may it live in empathy, to do so or he WOULD tell Ramona. And at least Wallace has a motive for not telling Ramona other than “I don’t want to risk my friendship with a guy I really don’t care about and think is shitty”. He wanted to see Scott recover from Envy, something Stephen never gave ONE. SHIT. ABOUT. He saw Ramona was good for him and knew telling her, while the RIGHT thing to do, would severely harm Scott, and by volume 4 leave him homeless. Plus Wallace frankly enabled him for some time anyway, letting him live at their place rent free and paying for all his food and frequently letting Scott steal his credit card. WIth Wallace at least while it’s not the RIGHT move, it’s understandable and complicated vs Stephen who really dosen’t seem to like or get along with Scott after volume 1, suddenly cares what happens to his relationship. 

And what proves this... is this little exchange that ends the conversation. 

Knives despite her issues, despite blinding herself to how Scott treated her, despite everything... thinks Ramona should know. And she’s right. And Stephen KNOWS THIS. He knows it was the right thing to do and just.. takes a swig instead of admitting he’s a fucking hypocrite or explaining himself in any way.  He NEVER cared about Ramona’s feelings or how this would effect her or saw her as important in any way shape or form. Kim at least clearly feels guilty. Wallace clearly is only doing so because it’s better for both her and Scott that their together and is a flawed human being. Stephen.. just dosen’t do so out of some masculine bullshit code of not ratting out your friend and his own cowardace. He clearly COULD go walk up to Ramona right now and tell her, but he won’t. And again I don’t buy he honeslty cares enough about Scott for their friendship to TRULY be enough of a factor to stop that. Fuck. Stephen. Stills. 

So Scott wins naturally, but is bummed there’s no reward.. but Stephen points out there’s tons of free food over yonder so he noms before he and Ramona leave. 

We get some cute domestic bits with Scott and ramona: Scott playing games on her phone all day, the two cooking dinner, and Scott admititng he hasn’t thought of envy at all. “I have you now”. Though through it there are some signs of unease: Scott finds a letter to Gideon, and Ramona asks about her hair and stares out into the window. Nice little hints that even before the big bomb abotu to drop she’s not at ease.. she loves Scott.. but it’s hard for her to let herself BE happy. It’s easy to wager she wasn’t for most of her life. 

Can’t Face Up

So next we find Sex Bomb-Omb working on the album. Or rather Stephen and Joseph are. Scott and Kim are praying for death but death won’t come and Kim wonders why the fuck this isn’t finished. Joseph wants her out of his house... forgetting that Kim lives in said house. 

Still his expressoin implies he’s going to do a murder on her if she stays in the room and since Drummers are hard to come by Stephen spirits them to kim’s room for a band meeting. Turns out they do have a gig but naturally Rosemary’s Baby booked it... and they haven’t practiced in months because Stephen’s a moron. He theorizes it’s Freddy’s Revenge, which is admitely probably valid though Kim can TELL something worse happened Stephen won’t cop to because he’s a piece of shit. I spent several paragraph’s establishing that. They try blaying and two sucktacular minutes i’ts clear their fucked sunday. 

So after a scene of Knives trying HARD to justify Scott’s actions and blame htem on Ramona, to no success, we get one of my faviorite parts of this book: Scott rambling on for god knows how long about the x-men while Ramona gets dressed and is presumibly barely listneing. 

I relate so hard to this it hurts. While not this era I wll GLADLY go on and on about X-Men and anything X-Adjacent at any goddamn opportunity and anyone who reads my blog on a regular basis and you know this. I need to tlak more x-men outside of my slowly failing New X-Men retrospective (Which is on the back burner because no one seeems to genuinely care after chapter one). If I did have a signifgant other, they would probably end up in a situation like this quite a lot and i’d have no shame about it. 

I also love this scene even more as while I DID love x-men at the time, I wasn’t quite the mega fan I was, nor as familiar with Claremont’s long, epic and often fucking weird in the special wonderful way only comics can run. Given I OWN over half his run at this point, that has changed. Though oddly not this part. So not only do I get Scott’s talking about x-men I Know what SPECIFICALLY. 

And for the unitatied, a quick explination of what the fuck Scott’s going on and on about: In the late 80′s, the x-men fought a reality warping malevolent trickster god named the Adversary. IN order to beat him their friend forget had to perform a cermony to lock his ass away that required willingly given life forces. The X-Men did REALLY fucking die.. but the Goddess Roma, daughter of Merlin and enemy of the advesary brought them back to life. With their deaths having been broadcast on live tv, and with tons of dangerous enemies at their heels, the X-Men choose to let the world continue to think they were dead so they could hit said enemies where it hurt.

SO this is where Scott’s story comes in:The X-Men’s first mission was clearing out the reavers, a bunch of racist cyborgs, from a ghost town which they took over as their base. As Scotty said they traveled all over the world, fought aliens, more racists, and then went to New York as it literally went ot hell. it’s a LOT and I haven’t read most of that era. I just know about it. I have read that last part though: the x-men were ambushed while wolveirne was away by said racist cyborgs so Psylocke shoved them through the siege perilous, a gate thingy romana gave them that would give them a new life and amnesia and such, leaving wolveirne to get crucified till Jubilee, who’d been hiding in their base gary busey style, freed him. The two would travel the world, find psylocke body swapped which is why she was asian for several decades, and get into general stuff for a few years real time till the X-Men slowly reunited. And you probbaly dind’t need to hear all of that but your life is better for knowing it. 

As you can tell Ramona’s discontent is mounting. And probably not because of Scott rambling about x-men. Last night he told her about the time Magneto beat them all because they stupidly rushed him one at a time then forced them into high tech chairs while a robotic nanny babbied them and then esecaped because shut up before fighting magneto, getting surrounded by lava and having beast ASSUME they were dead because fuck actually coming back and searching just in case like a rational human being because magma or no the x-men have surivived worse, including the depths of space, and restoring all of reality from scratch.  I may of just read those issues tonight. 

She procedes to make things worse for our hero as when he asks fo rher advice.. she reveals she dosen’t like his band.. and while she means nothing BY that, she’s nice about it, telling him his band sucks days before a sudden show where you guys eat a lot isn’t something you do. Wallace is naturally even less helpful and maybe his not liking the band is why we barely see him interact. Maybe he just figured Stepheen was on the fence sexuality wise but wasn’t willing to put up with Julie to test that. I dunno. 

So at the restraunt Stephen’s a dick, refusing to help Scott with his problems. WHich for once are legitamte as he worries abotu Ramona keeping secrets. He just wants to talk about hte band.. but 48 or something hours after this he has no real plan. 

Scott mopes to Kim about Ramona and she has some sage advice for him...

Also thing one and thing two are at the bar with a remote. This cannot end well... granted givne our heroes are not at all prepared and are playing two diffrent songs, this was never going to end well. 

And things only get worse for Scott in the bathroom.. he’s not there.. but his girlfriend and his ex are. Knives tries to work it out.. but Ramona being a bit short with her, which is fair given Knives tried to stab her a bunch a few months back and never apologized, leading to a quick fight.. but with Knives heart not in it this time and Ramona pissed and this time NOT confsued as to what the hell ihs going on, it ends with Ramona slamming knives into a wall... and Knives sadly revealing the truth to Ramona...

The scene hits like a truck with both devistated.. Ramona not having realized Scott with this shitty.. and Knives FINALLY accepting that he is. Finally letting her obession with him drop and realize what he was and what he did and let the full impact hit. The last part also hits hard “No One Else Would’ve Told You’.  It’s a sad hard truth and it’s CLEARLY something that hits both women hard.  For Knives it’s realizing Kim and Stephen, who she’s increidbly close to at this point, both don’t have the stomach to do the right thing, and thus hid this from her and Ramona. Stephen DID tell her.. but he still didn’t have the guts to tell RAMONA nor the actual care. It’s the realization the people she looked up to truly let her down and that she had to do what they couldn’t, even if it tore her apart to do it. For Ramona it’s realizing her closest friends outside of Scott could’ve told her and never did. No matter how close she’s gotten to Kim and Wallace, neither gave a fuck about her rights or her need to know. 

So Ramona is rattled and barely speaks while Scott has been fighting anothe rrobot and ends the gig accidnetly smashing his bass. Stephen is pissy with him and blames hi mfor runing the gig, which turned out to be a trap anyway complete with fliers. 

Ramona decides to gently throw him out as he forgot his keys while his other friends won’t house him leaving him with the one friend he has who dosen’t hate him right now. WALLACE!

The Glow:

So at Casa De Welles, Wallace has some buddy time, not making any bones about the fact Ramona clearly threw Scott out for the night and wearing a neat robe. Scott mopes about the fact he hasn’t met mobile whose apparenlty on the astral plane. I wonder if he has any buisness with Emma.. I mean the x-men did live in san fran sicsio but given decimation didn’t have many psychics. Might’ve been tryign to get another one. THey didn’t have a whole island that walks like a man yet.  And while Wallace wasn’t in much of a coaching mood last time he is willing to help. He couldn’t get bupkiss on the twins since Scott can’t even remember their names, but he did pull off a miracle. Despite their being a million Gideons in New York.. Wallace found THE Gideon. Granted all he got was his full name, Gideon Gordon Graves, and a few burry photos, one with Ramona confirming this is our douche, but given he had only a first name and an ex to work with this is some damn fine work. Wallace asks scott about his future with Ramona but he just.. has no earthly idea because of course he dosen’t. He hasn’t REALLY thought about what comes after beating the exes because he never thinks anything through. Interesting stuff The next day Scott meets up with Kim at No Account Video and we get our first, and I mean literally first, indiciation things are falling apart with her and Hollie. Scott wants to say hi, Kim refuses him and gives a smart ass comment when he asks if them being roomates isn’t working out. He wasn’t even being a dick it’s just clear SOMETHING bad’s going on she won’t talk about because she puts up walls around hrself on a GOOD day and this clearly isn’t one.

It gets worse when they stop by Stephen’s place only to find Neil whose both taken up a combination of smoking and moping in a dark room. Never a good sign. Nor is Stephen apparenlty being at band practice.. meaning either he lied to Neil about where he went.. or he already started the band we’ll see him with next volume and is already stabbing his friends in the back. There wasn’t much to like about the guy to BEGIN with, but his behavior just gets worse with every volume and it’s reached it’s apex here. The speech was shitty enough, I spent several paragraphs explaning why, but the rest of his behavior isn’t much better. He abandoned two people who were, for god knows what reason loyal to him and abandoned the band because of some bearded asshole probably encouraging him to. 

We also get some telling behavior on Kim’s part. Whlie she’s usually morose around Scott in the face of this both just hang out, it’s plesant. She even smiles when she asks if it’s going to be a regular occurance when he stays with her that night. Granted she brings back her frown soon after, but as has been clear her feelings for him never really went away entirely, and this is the closest the two have been in volumes, just enjoying each others company. It’s also telling that Scott trusts kim with a favor.

We see the favor the next page: Kim hangs out with Ramona.. and Scott marchs in completely on purpose soon after. Granted Kim probably didn’t know THIS was part of the plan, and it’s mildly stupid.. but it DOES show progress for Scott. Keep in mind his usual tactic is “avoid the fuck out of it and hope it goes away’ So ACTUALLY wanting to talk about things and find her again, and not doing it in a creepy way but simply drawing her out with a friend, shows SOME maturlity. It’s still not the most mature.. but with Ramona clearly not wanting him at their place, her work not having a set location as she just picks stuff up and drops it off (And even if she’s picking up packages at the post office we don’t know which one or if there’s multiple and even if we did scott sure as hel l does not), he was out of options. It also WORKS, with Ramona breaking her mopeynesss to laugh and Kim stunned it didn’t just piss her off further. 

So we find out what happened with Hollie when Scott brings up jason. She points out they were dating but... welllllllll

Yeah... as you could probably tell I do not like this plot point at all. For one thing we never really got to KNOW Jason, and with him and Hollie getting a little too cozy at the end of the last volume...

It’s clear his ONLY roll in the story was to be there so Hollie could betray Kim in some way. And look I get a LOT in this series happens while we’re not looking, ti’s part of it’s charm. Things not pausing for the side cast is a trope I enjoy: it allows some things to progress faster and allows for some intresting stories when the main cast catches up. Steven Unvierse and Ducktales both used this well as does Scott Pilgrim but all three weren’t immune to someitnes goofing up and taking it too far. 

This whole situation is that: Hollie is a character I got attached to: She had a great report with kim, they were really close and she offered her a place to stay when it was clear she was miserable with the four horseman of the bitchpocalypse she lived with. So while having her suddenly heel turn is realistic... it just feels thorughly unsatisfying. We do not see Hollie again after she’s sudeenly derailed, so we never get to see what she’s apparenlty REALLY like or get any explination why this happened. Suddenly Kim’s best friend is a douchebag even though it makes no sense for her character. Just because in real life people can turn out to be really shitty on a dime dosen’t mean it’s a neat thing to READ in a story and it feels like a waste of what was one of the series best side characters. And granted i’ve been through FAR worse treatment of side characters, trust me but this one still blows to this day and if there is a netflix adaptation this either needs to not happen or have actual depth. Seriously Netflix your adapting everything else, get on the bus already. 

Scott is GENUINELY apologetic, we’ve rarely seen him this nice but he genuinely feels bad for her.. and unlike Stephen’s thing it’s okay to feel shitty someone got cheated on even if you were a cheater in the past. As I said Stephen wasn’t wrong about how Scott treeted knives.. he just also was trying to take moral high ground which Knives proved he absolutely did not have in seconds.

This triggers Ramona’s glow, the squggly line thing that shows up over her head ocasoinally.. and while Ramona grills Scott... Kim just finally asks what the hells up with her head. Scott’s reaction is “OH good you guys see it too��. Kim does try to show it to ramona but it’s gone by then and she drops it for now and outside encourages her to come to Julie’s latest shitty party.. I mean their miserable but at least it gives thems omething to do

So we get another instalment of “Scott rambles about the X-Men” or New Mutants in this case as we’re talking about Magik, Aka Illyana Rasputin 

So for the long version: The X-Men were staying at a creepy temple that Magneto had been working out of beause the mansion was being repaired. Colossus, everyone’s favorite Russian and Deadpool co-star, had his kid sister Illyana with him as Arcade, a ginger maniac assasian whose gimmick is creating elaborate murder theme parks, kidnapped her in a plot to get the x-men to fight Dr. Doom for him. Given this was during the Cold War they coudln’t exactly take her back, so she stayed with the X-Men and her beloved big brother. 

So naturlaly the spooky temple decorated in Cthulu’s had a portal to hell in it and  an evil and genirc looking fucker named Belasco kidnapped her to a hell dimension known as Limbo>  the X-Men went after her as you’d expect and things got WEIRD as due to some complicated and weird time dialition stuff I sitll don’t quite understand there ended up being two copies of the x-men: ours who came in right after, and a second batch who stayed there for about 7-8 years and got warped by Bellsaco’s magic as he killed or changed most of them. As a result Storm became a sorcerer to fight back, Kitty Pryde became some sort of cat creature and Kurt became a creepy evil version of himself. Illyana stayed htere, learned magics from both storm and asshole, learned to fight from cat kitty, and eventually escaped after a lot of horrible bullshit, hardnered and with her soul scarred from it, now a teenager. She joined the New Mutants, the training class of x-men in the comics, soon after. She’s a member agian in present day, one of the great captains of Krakoa, and one of the two co-leaders of Krakoa’s younger mutants, i.e. 20 something to teens and kids. 

This is the best of the two scenes as the narrative , or at least Scott’s versions parallels Ramona’s own; Getting taken in by an evil man and feeling tainted by that. 

So at the party Ramona runs into Neil whose a dick about it and with some girl. She WAS going to be fleshed out more in the original draft but Brian ended up scrapping it for time, but does regret it. It’s here we get Neil’s face punchingly dickish comment that’s also a massive hint as to Stephen’s sexuality. 

Yeah even if Stephen’s been an UTTERLY shitty friend to him.. this was uncalled for even for the late 2000′s. What a prick. I do like the arc of Neil slowly falling apart though getting more and more bitter as his old friends abandoned him casually, especailly Stephen. While his comment was still HORRIBLY unwarranted even with Stephen being a dipshit. 

Speaking of assholes we get our last major with Julie who berates Scott for grabbing some booze and brings in the twist. I’m.. i’m not even bothering to give her an insluting and weird nickname. She’s still a HORRIBLE piece of shit, as she brought Scott’s enemies there to try and beat him to death for her own amusment and berated him for getting booze at a party she CLEARLY expected him to come to, but she’s ALMOST gone. Seriously after this she’s GONE for the volume and barely in the rest of the series. So i’d rather celebrate FINALLY having earned my freedom over worrying about her any more than i have to. Cue the music!

So with that Kyle.. or is it Ken. 

But the blonde one needles ramona, giving her her faviorite booze and telling her “this is all just temproary”

So Ramona gets all glowy.. and Kim gets her phone out....

The Universe Fights Back So in a random bedroom Ramona gives up the ghost: SHe DOES know what that is she just can’t tell Kim. Kim accepts it and they share some drinks. Scott, after beheading the douche bros latest science project, joins them and we get a lovely scene of the three drinking and bonding and geneuinely just having a good time. Though Kim DOES mention that she wants to go back to school.. This will naturally be very important. 

What’s more important is this scene is ENITRELY while I poly ship these three dum dums. I mean while part of thier hapiness here is their blasted out of hteir heads, it’s also just Kim’s wall sbeing down. She tells the two she loves them, and I think MEANS IT. Not to mention this...

Okay maybe it’s just the two of them but they also love Scott. And again I get htier VERY obviously drunk.. but given Kim and Ramona are clearly actively supressing any bi parts of themselves most of hte time this is telling. The fact Ramona asks kim to sleep in THIER bed, likely with them, is ALSO very telling and Kim only dosen’t because their using sub space. No really that’s the only reason this volume didn’t end VERY diffrently with the three of htem having a three way before the argument coming up.. and possibly fixing said argument by having kim to mediate. I mean I get Scott’s not a big part of this so if you don’t want to ship him with them and just leave them alone that’s fine, ut I like the idea of them as a throuple: they ballance each other out.. and frakly with Scott’s irresponsblity and Ramona’s emotoinal issues they need someone to call them b oth out in the relationship, while these two are two of the only three people in the work i’ve seen Kim take her walls down for. Not even Jason got that, but Jason was also a carboard cutout. 

Things take a turn from Kim.. from an almost threesome where she CLEARLY would be getting most of the attention... to two assholes kidnapping her. Now while I don’t like the twins that much their plan for the final act IS actually clever: their the first ones to think to actually use the people Scott cares about.. or anything resembling strategy really. Matt just charged int here, Lucas coudln’t give less of a fuck, Todd just used brute strength like a teletkentic juggernaught, and Roxy DID use some but it was less to actually fight scott and more to get into ramona’s pants again. The twins see Kim clearly still loves Scott, and that while he acts aloff to her sometimes she really is one of his best friends. No really, think about it. Wallace is his BEST friend.. but Kim sticks by him even when he’s shitty, calls him out when needed, and despite her grumpiness is the one who has the most faith in him out of ANYONE. It’s a large point of the volume: she dosen’t bother watching the fights.. because she belivies he’ll win simply because he’s Scott. That’s love right there. The kind of love that gets you kidnapped as part of an elaborate scheme but love nonetheless. 

So we then get the scene that��s been coming for five volumes... after having sex, Ramona confronts Scott. While Scott admits he didn’t cheat on her with knvies, the other way around, that’s not better. He admits he’s been trying to forget about it.. and she calls him a bad person. And that. .hits him hard. While he DESERVES scorn for what he did... as he puts it next he’s been trying to change for her. To BE better. And all she sees, and outright confirms is another evil ex in waiting with Scott DESPERATE to prove her wrong and wrongly thinking beating the next three exes will fix this. It’s a VERY hard sceen to watch as while Scott does deserve this.. it’s also hard not to feel bad for him too. It really sums up the character: He is a dick.. but he’s TRYING to be better. He WANTS to be, he just dosen’t know how. And MAN can I relate to that.  It dosen’t help that Ramona is clearly projecting her own insecurties about this lasting, about actually being happy and about this really being her life onto him, using this as an easy out after having a month of doubt. Yes Scott did something unbelivibely shitty.. but both are trying to take the easy way out of it instead of genuinely discussing why it’s shitty, what he did was wrong and geniuinely unpacking if this is the end. Ramona clearly wants to bail, and Scott clearly just wants to punch a few guys to make it better. Neither thing will work. They need to work thorugh their issues to work... but neither is capable of that right now. They both want to run from the problem. 

This volume is in part about Ramona herself.. and showcasing her OWN flaws.. and like Scott her biggest is that she runs. She wants to escape her past too and both assumed the other would be an easy fix, that by having a good partner they’d be better.. when really their both mildly shitty people who need to make peace with their past and repair the bridges they’ve burnt and flip off the ones not worht reparing instead of running from it all the time. But sadly before both can.. their just gonna run again. Because sometimes fixing yourself is just not that easy. 

So the next morning Scott’s heart stops fo ra second when Ramona is seemingly gone.. only for her to instead be in teh shower. But Scott gets a text telling him the twins have Kim and TRIES to tell Ramona.. but she’s in the shower. As a result she’s worried he just ran off... and makes a decision , her hair cut back down after growing it out this volume, a sign of her hapiness.. now gone. 

The Glow Part 2 So at an abandoned wherehouse the fight is on. The twins have the advantage in part because Scott is hung over.. something they take offense to.. even though they were THERE last night. He was at a party. They don’t know he teatotles. What state did they THINK he’d be in this morning?

We also find out their origin: as Scott correctly guessed at the end of last volume, Ramona dated them both at the same time and pit them against each other. They found out and vowed to always fight as one.. which means Scott is not only fighting two equally powerful opponents at once, but two who work as a perfct team and double hurricane kick him. They also mentally break him down, pointing out her previous job and how she’s a runner and she’s here to run from her past working for Gideon.

They aren’t but I already went into that so let’s get onto more pressing issues: Scott is not only hung over but now doubting himself and his dumbass plan to beat gideon and magically fix things, while Kim is naturally not happy about being stuck in a cage all night. And while at first she’s genuinely just grumpy as always as it becomes clear Scott has lost hope and the twins are going to win this one her expression is heartbreaking...

After EVERYTHING she still loves him and can’t bear to see him in so much pain... and can’t loose him.. so she gets desperate and claims Ramona texted him to give him hope. 

This is one of Kim’s definting moments, the other coming next month. When faced with the person she loves possibly dying.. she lies to him.. so he can surivive. So he can have hope and make it through this.. despite how much it’s CLEARLY KILLING HER to not only tell him someone else loves him but to clealry lie that person loves him, knowing it’ll hurt him more.. but knowing if she DOSEN’T he’ll die. It’s one of the most painful, heartbreaking and beautiful moments in the entire series. It’s why I said earlier while I don’t like the brothers their climactic fight his excellent.. because it is. Their verbal breaking down of Scott is hearbreaking and Kim’s sacrifice equally so. 

And before stomping them into coins SCott shows further growth.. by showing he CAN give off a good one liner now...

So Scott beats them and gets Kim out of the cage, worried about her.. but despite having a chance, Kim lets him get on his way to ramona and morsoely wlaks off... while ominously the sign points out this will soon be the Chaos Theater. There’s still one left to go. 

But.. it’s sadly not enough. While Scott gives her a heartfelt speech... even if he quotes the song as long as you love me... he dosen’t care who she is.. but Ramona does.. calling herself a bad person.. as she vanishes.... and I cry my eyes out again. God two really heartbreaking scenes in a row sweet jesus this volume will be the death of me.. and not just because i’ts taken so damn long to write this review. And on top of tha the looses the cat and ends up locked out. 

World of Ruin:

So yeah if you thought those bits weren’t easy.. it only gets roughter as we see Scott in the aftermath of the breakup. His dream world is now desolate and he’s alone. Now to his creidt as much shit as i’ve given him Stephen didn’t ENTIRELY abandon Scott: he put him up fo rth enight (though he kicks him out after work) and offers to take him to after work drinks. We also see a nice side of Scott’s intimdating boss as she offers her symaptheties at him crying... while he says it’s the onions... he’s transparenlty lying. 

Next up is Kim. Though she dosen’t have a couch because Hollie sold it.. which as dickish as she suddenly is it IS her couch as Kim points out.. so yeah Kim and Scott end up sleeping awkardly in the same bed facing away from each other.. and to add another emotional guttpunch at the worst possible time: She’s going back home. 

Stacey is even lesss helpful as SCott continues to ask about cats and is unsypantethic about her leaving despite you know,  him REALLY not being at the shit talking her stage yet bud. At least we do get to see Stacey in this one I genuinely forgot she was in it. 

So at Wallace’s he’s no help either pointing out she might be with someone else because he’s wallace and we meet a guy with Glases.. and in his bad state Scott assumes i’ts gideon. it’s not though. WE finally meet Mobile!

He’s exactly what wallace needs.. a fellow sarcastic asshole. 

So next up is Kim’s goodbye.. which once again is really emotinal..a nd not just because  my faviorite character is leaving and again, younger me didn’t know this wasn’t forever.. or that she’d be back for a rather huge role next time. But still it’s a damn good scene that shows how far Scott’s come...

While the first part is standard... the second is Scott realizing that she still had feelings for him, clearly given her actions during the fight, and he’d been a right dick this whole time never dealing with it or apolgoizing for his past. Granted he still has a way to go to REALLY apologize for it... but he’s trying and means it. And with her possibly never seeing again.. she needed that. Also her coat is damn cool. I’d say I want one like that btu i’d really prefer one like Scotts complete with x-men patch. Pax Krakoa bitches. 

We get a really nice scene after where we meet Scott’s parents! Their also really kind helping him get a new place and move on... and runs into another glasses guy. But this time it’s Laurence! Who he drop kicks.. and then gives a broken bass back to. Eh... i’ve seen worse relationship with siblings honestly. He didn’t murder scott’s friend or plunge a whole galaxy into war or try and murder his daughter. Other Scott’s weren’t so lucky. 

So after that awkardness SCott finds the note to gideon which is a break up letter... she never sent. However there’s something more pressing as he gets a call... and you can probably guess given his luck lately who that’s from. 

Eh it’s not that murderoius creep but another one. 

The end.. is in a few weeks.

Final Thoughts: 

As I said I hated Vs the Universe on first read but re-reading it with hindsight and maturity.. it’s damn good. It’s depressing as hell.. but the things it does need to happen to push scott into a bad enough place for the next volume to work, and are natural: Ramona and Kim leaving, The band  breaking up, Scott kicking his brother in the face.. all natural things. It hurts, this was a HARD one to write and I only feel the next one will be harder because it’s way longer with less slice of lifey stuff to skim through in my recapping. 

But it’s a damn good one, with fantastic art, really gripping scenes, x-men refrenes and a spotlight shone on my girl kim. Even it’s weak spots dont’ hurt it: the twins are only weak by comparison, and still work well enough for the story, pushing ramona into the bad mental place she needs to be for the story to work. Hollie’s thing DID Need to be written way fucking better... but it does push kim into leaving which is CRITICAL for next time. So they aren’t GREAT elements, but they work. The only real other problem I have is knives just.. vanishes after her scene outside of one bit with Stephen, but that I can understand as the book is pretty tightly packed and she gets a fitting sendoff next time anyway. All in all another amazing entry and the perfect warm up for one of the best endings in comics history

Next Time: I said it and I meant it: one of the best endings in comics history as Scott hits on some exes, fights himself and betters himself as he prepares for his finest hour! Will Ramona Come back? Will Kim? Will Julie?... to answer your questions yes yes, and god dammit. Thank you all for reading, see you at the next rainbow. 

[norwegianrailwaystories]

The Engine that stole Christmas

It was soon Christmas at the Urskog-Høland Line and Bingsfos was as excited as little kid over all the decorations and Christmas music everywhere.

And it seemed like all the other engines got in an extra merry mood too. Well, all except one…

Setskogen looked like a thunder cloud each time he saw her, and she only answered him in short and angry sentences whenever he asked her something. Not even Christmas music lifted her spirits. She even ran over the radio an unfortunate worker had placed on a crate at a siding. On purpose, as she had no business at that siding at all…

"Is there anything that can cheer Setskogen up?" Bingsfos asked one night at the sheds.

Høland and Prydz thought about it but couldn't come up with anything.

"She usually doesn't behave like that…" Prydz said. "She usually likes Christmas, so I don't know what's gotten into her… She's like the Grinch!"

Høland chuckled. "Yeah, but she doesn't steal the decorations at least."

"No, but it seems like she doesn't want anyone else to enjoy the season either…" Bingsfos mumbled thoughtful. "Maybe I should try to talk to her about it?"

The next morning the humans had put up a Christmas tree outside the engine shed. Bingsfos gasped in joy as he came out and saw the tree with the colorful lights.

"Oh!" his eyes sparkled of joy and anticipation. "Prydz! Høland! Look at this! Isn't it pretty?"

The two steam engines peeked out of the shed and laughed low. They were old enough to have seen most things before, but it was hard not to get in a good mood by observing Bingsfos zooming around and clearing snow while cheering.

"If you don't get in a brighter mood just by watching that fella, you have a heart of stone." Høland stated and chuckled over the unbridled joy the diesel displayed.

"True, true." Prydz smiled and followed the green diesel with her eyes. Now he had joined some kids nearby who were building snow lanterns and a big snowman right next to the track. Bingsfos and the kids cheered and laughed as the snowman was shaped. Soon, they had also lit the snow lanterns, were singing carols, and enjoying themselves.

But it didn't last long, as Setskogen emerged from the back of the shed with the snowplow, and before they knew it, she had buried both the snowman and the lanterns. The black steam engine continued mercilessly down the track, leaving Bingsfos behind with a crowd of crying children.

"Setskogen! You old troll!!" Bingfos shouted after her with tears in his eyes. "What's wrong with you?!"

Prydz and Høland chuffed carefully forward, both had gotten their snowplows attached.

"We can help building new lanterns and snowmen." they offered and looked down at the kids.

"There is no point. Setskogen will just run them over anyway." Bingsfos mumbled sad.

"Not if we push the snow to the end of the line, so the kids can build it right outside. She won't reach it there." Høland winked.

"Pah! She'll derail just so she can ruin it for us!" Bingsfos' good mood was gone. He drove back to the shed and parked with his nose against the wall to sulk.

Høland and Prydz gathered a huge pile of snow at the end of the line, and soon the kids were busy building a snow castle, having forgotten all about Setskogen and the ruined snowman.

It was getting dark when the two steamers returned to the shed. Høland nudged Bingsfos.

"Cheer up. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. And who knows? Maybe Santa has a gift for you?"

Bingsfos smiled against the wall. "Yeah… maybe so. Maybe he has gifts for you too? What do you guys wish for?"

"Coal of course! That's why I've been naughty all year, because the naughty ones get coal instead of presents in their stockings." Høland said chucklesome.

"Moron!" Bingsfos laughed. "If you get coal for being naughty, you won't get any at all! You're the nicest engine I know! And Prydz too! None of you will get any coal this year!"

The trio giggled at that, but then they went quiet. Now they could all hear something outside the shed…

"Ghosts…" Bingsfos yelped frightened.

"I think I know this ghost…" Høland growled and backed quickly to the door, pushing it open and rushing outside into the darkness.

The colorful lights on the tree were torn off at such speed it set the tree spinning in its socket, and a huge black shadow darted around the corner with the string of light hanging like a tail after itself.

"Setskogen! Get back here with those decorations!!" Høland set out after her, with Bingsfos and Prydz hot on track.

Setskogen zoomed into the carriage hall and shut the door in their faces.

"Don't think for one second that you'll get away with this, you hag!" Bingsfos squealed upset.

"Oh no… she has even snatched the pretty wreaths that was hung around here…" Prydz said sad as they drove back to the shed. It looked empty and sad without the nice decorations around the yard.

"How rotten!" Bingsfos pouted. "What's gotten into her?"

"She has never been this bad…" Høland sighed. "It's not like her doing things like this just for the heck of it…"

"Her stockings will be packed full of coal…" Bingsfos said angry. "I bet that's why she does it."

"I don't know… Let's talk to her tomorrow." Høland was the last to enter the shed. The door closed behind them.

"She has ruined my Christmas at least…" Bingsfos sniffled, pouting. "She'll probably chase away Santa too!"

The next day, Bingfos hid himself near the carriage hall. He had decided to steal the decorations back as soon as Setskogen left the hall. He was certain she would go out just to steal the rest of the decorations along the line too… so all he had to do was wait…

And just then the door opened! The black steam engine looked around cautiously before driving out of the hall. Bingsfos kept an eye on her until she disappeared around the corner of the engine shed. Then he darted inside the carriage hall as fast as he could.

He didn't watch where he was going and jumped as he bumped into Tinfos' buffer. She yelped startled.

"Tinfos? What on earth are you doing here?" he asked curiously.

"Ce-ce-celebrating Ch-christmas…" she stammered frightened.

"Celebrating Christmas? With Setskogen? Yeah, good one…" Bingsfos snorted, but then he looked around. All the decorations were hung up inside the carriage shed. There were lights, bows and wreaths everywhere. It was beautiful.

"Don't be cross with her, Bingsfos… Setskogen just thought it was sad that my sister didn't get to see all the decorations outside… She was angry because nobody thought about my sister having to stay inside here and nobody wanted to share with her… That's why she was ruining your fun, but then she came up with a better idea." Tinfos explained nervously. "So, she stole your decorations and brought it in here instead…"

"Oh…" Bingsfos felt ashamed. "We should have thought of that too…"

He backed out again. Deep in thought he drove back to the engine shed to tell the other what he had found out.

Later that night there was a ruckus outside the carriage hall, making both Setskogen, Tinfos and her sister perk up in caution.

Someone was laughing, then dumbbells was ringing and then the door opened. It was quite a sight meeting them all as three engines decorated with antlers and bell harnesses entered. Bingfos driving in front with a red nose, just like Rudolph, with Høland and Prydz right behind him. Together they were pulling a decorated cart… and in the cart was…

"Santa Claus!" Tinfos gasped and nudged her sister who was also staring in awe at the visitors.

"Yes, it's Santa!" Bingsfos cheered, his Christmas spirit back at full force.

And it got even better when Santa jumped down from the cart with a bag full of presents! One for each and every one of them… and a stocking full of coal for Setskogen.

"Not because you've been naughty…" Bingsfos said. "But because you reminded us that Christmas is about sharing and caring for each other."

Santa walked over and hung the stocking on one of Setskogen's lamp irons, Setskogen smiled brightly to them all. She had probably been a little afraid they would be cross with her because she looked quite relieved.

"I have to go now! There are more people waiting for me tonight!" Santa said and waved at them before walking into the winter dark. "Merry Christmas to all of you!"

[magicflowershop]

one day kitty; Kita version

《inspired by movie A Whisker Away》

✿✿ you wished to be with the person you like and wish granted. whiskers, button nose, tail, four legs and ears on top of the head; you turned into a cat. with this, you are given the opportunity to be with the person you want to express your affections to. but as a cat. and only in one day.

― haikyuu characters x cat!reader imagines!

❀ masterlist ❀

the wheel of names have spoken.

kita was having a good time by himself in his grandmother’s rice fields, feeling the breeze like the precious farm boi he is,,, when he saw a cat sleeping on a wet patch in the middle of the field

gathering concern for the little cat, he brought him home and decided to clean it up 

then you woke up

you felt something scrubbing your back when you open your eyes you see a guy aiming a hose at you 

you scream bc obv, but that scream translated into a screech leaving your mouth and you see your hand

homie that was a paw

why do u have a paw?????

"stay still, you might hurt yourself”

and why is there a Kita Shinsuke spraying water at you lmao

you see that he’s kinda annoyed that you’re moving so much while he’s trying to clean you up but at the same time you arent sure since he isnt easy to read and that don’t know him too well rip so you let yourself be cleaned for free ig

but yo what the hell??? so you’re a cat now????

you try to remember what happened before all this and how in the world you suddenly turned into a cat and magically wake up in Kita’s place 

you dont know the exact location of his place so you have no idea how to get back home from here

Kita pulled the cat closer to him, and wiping the wet fur with a towel as generously as he could that the cat soon found comfort from his gentle caresses

okay maybe you could stay for a while yk huehue

“you’re having fun”

you hear a familiar voice from a mile away, you look back and see a fat, creepy cat standing on two of its hind feet

o wait

you saw that cat last night when you were watching the shooting star outside,,, you thought it’d be cute if you suddenly wished for something so you did then that thing appeared outta nowhere promising you that he can make your wish come true than compared to a stupid star

so he forced the wish outta you

that you wished to be closer to a guy you admired,, and you had a lot of crushes in your school ykyk,,, just that Kita takes the entire cake

“you have until midnight to remain as a cat. be sure to leisurely fulfill your desires, y/n.”

and so he vanished

while knowing full well you’re basically Cinderella now, you take consideration of your leisure time with Kita-sama

do you stay or do you go home first to check on your household

“oh what do we have here?”

Kita’s grandma entered the scene and you think that okay maybe this development is a little too quick since you weren’t ready to face his relatives yet

“i found this cat in the fields. it looked like it could get sick so i cleaned it”

o yea you were a damn cat

also Kita calls you freakin “it”

:) 

pennywise who

you chose to stay in Kita’s place bc grandma thought it’d be lovely to let you stay there for a while,, and that you looked like you were starving when you saw the food on the table

thank goodness you were a cat bc jesus were you actually drooling

so you spent time in Kita’s place big deal

but his place isn’t what you’re aimed for no?

“i’m leaving”

Kita says putting on his shoes, ready to leave and he’s wearing casual clothes,, you don’t think he’s going to school for volleyball practice

IS HE GOING ON A DATE????????????

lmao

as if thats actually true cmon Kita doesn’t even hang out with girls that much,,, even though he prolly has a bunch of admirers like the other Inarizaki Vball bois

but what if he swang that wae?

??????????

so you followed him right?

you wanted to find out where he’s headed also that he looked good in casual clothes you just want to keep looking at him like this 

Kita went to the grocery store

ah

and apparently he was buying ingredients to make food

ahh

so you begin to think that you were foolish for lowkey gate-keeping him

like sis cmon you’re a cat rn keep your head in the game,, what do you do with those paws of yours that cant even grab his hand and pull him away when he was about to bump into a girl as he was about to grab a bottle of tomato paste

heck you cant even get inside the damn grocery store and walk in between them cause you’re a fcking cat!!!!!!!!

you watch their mouths say sorries to each other

the girl was blushing

hm?

Kita looked worried that he couldve hurt her since the hag was coverin her face

hm

nani k

n̸̢̪̜͚͑́̾́̑̋ á̴̠̜̳͖̼̃͗̚͘͠ͅ n̵̼͙͇̻̹̓͜͜ i̷̥̲̻̪͈̞̙̩͛̾̅̓͝͝͠ ̶̨̡̜̞̟͆̿̈́͜ḵ̶̂̓̀̚ o̶͎͛̋̋̊͋̊̅̈̅ͅ r̶͙̮̱͊̎͠ ę̷̺̪͎͈̗̖̯̣͍͒͊̒͆͂̈́͛́̒̃

you started tapping the glass windows like mad SKSKD

and ofc since you’re a stray animal ppl wont let u get away with absolutely anything so one personnel saw you tapping the windows and shouted at you from inside the store

Kita and the hag saw you and yea that was enough embarrassment for the day, you ran away and let your feet take you wherever 

its a bit boring that since its a weekend there’s nothing to do,, you never expected that Kita’s weekends would be this boring too :(

so the creepy cat appeared

“what’s wrong you dont seem to be enjoying yourself anymore”

“turn me back to human i need to finish my homework”

maybe thats not the most liable excuse you have but it is true that you need to finish an assignment

“but i gave you a chance to be with the person you admire, no? is this not enough?”

“yea well its-”

“here you are”

you feel someone pick you up and you see that it was Kita:0he must’ve looked for you since you dont even know where you are

oh my god Kita Shinsuke looked for you ma’am eye- or mayhaps you took the route back to his house without knowing since you were busy staring at him when you were stalking him earlier ye

you watched how he looked at the creepy cat you were talking to and and judged it from head to hind feet lmao Kita

“do you have the same owner as this cat?”

he asked you and you gave out every ounce of your energy to shake your head as a no as well as to let out the most disgusted and disapproval meow you ever could-

“the hell would i want to be acquainted with that thing!”

a

what

no way did u just speak

so Kita stared at you for the remainder of the time but decided you speaking isnt physically possible and that he could’ve been real tired since he saw the Miya twins along the way

he took you back home since his grandma seemed to be real happy seeing a little animal in the house with them

but you didnt miss to see the little knowing smile from the creepy cat from earlier, you just knew from that alone that he was messing with you since as you said you were bored 

it was wrong of you to talk to that lil disgusting thing

since that moment you refused to speak with your mouth every again, if you were going to speak thought you would probably just purposely say meow only to not make anymore mistakes

also you’re spending a lot of time with Kita’s grandma than Kita himself

“i wonder what your future spouse is doing at this moment, Shin-kun”

Kita looked like he wanted to roll his eyes so bad lmao since he always hears things about his grandma wanting to see his wedding before she dies :c

and yk it makes you sad too just hearing about this

and you want to help 😔

and you would offer help 😌

they heard the cat speak and now you’re running away bc they heard you talk about wanting to marry Shinsuke 🤡

the day ended and you managed to go home before the sun set basically nothing happened and your transformation was all for nuttin, you were bamboozled by a demon cat you randomly saw one night

the next day you were back to your human self and it was a school day so ofc you have to live on normally in school as if nothing happened, as if you didnt just stalk a guy from your school but we’ll get to that

see, you’re friends are friends with a few of the guys from your school’s volleyball team,,, so you’re within vicinity of Kita’s attention 

when you explicitly did not want to see him atm

BUT THEN YOU REMEMBER YOUR FRIENDS KNOW YOU LIKE KITA

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU DO NOW

you decided to run away but you realize that’s useless bc you’re all going home together :D

now you weren’t the crowds type of person,, you had no idea how it come to this, you’re used to hanging out with your girlfriends yes but they were having fun altogether like this it was fun just watching them goof off and whatnot

“hey”

when i told you you’re almost dropped the second you hear Kita calling to you, you best believe

you said hey but in a different tone of voice bc it was too early for him to notice you had the same voice as the cat he saw yesterday,,, then you both walked in silence

you couldnt take it anymore and decided to go to the nearest convenience store since you had something you want to buy,, you went and whispered this to your friends but when they were asking you to let your voice out, you were deadass croaking

but then you clown yourself sum more bc Kita was concerned of you acting like this and asked if you were alright

now you’re stuck with him in the convenience store bc your friends and his friends thought it’d be a great idea for him to go with you :D

“you should eat something warm before going to sleep, and take a warm bath too”

:((((((

okay now you feel bad for actually making him worry lol

your alibi of getting sick works really well with not speaking at all around him so you used this till the end thinking you can escape him with this until it rained and you dont have an umbrella with you

aight y/n you’re one hell of a clutz

Kita was enough of a gentleman to buy an umbrella for you until its actually out of stock

you guys stayed in the convenience store for the time being

you were losing your mind

how much longer will you stay with him

you thought of an alibi to save you from the embarrassment so you told him you gotta jet and go back to school bc you forgot to bring your notebook with you 

but now you realize you realize you didnt have to tell him bc he’ll still follow you as if his life depends on taking care of you :(

after you randomly stormed out of the convenience store, he caught up to you and pulled you somewhere where there’s a roof over

“are you usually this reckless? or do you just like getting yourself sick?”

homie does not hold back

he pulled a spare shirt from his back and put it on your head,, proceeding to wipe your wet hair with it until he realized he’s subconsciously invading your personal space

he looked right at you, so you two were standing there,,, staring,, his hands on both sides of your head,,,,, both of y’all are wet hunni

he let go and turned the other way,,, the darkness wasnt dark enough to conceal his red cheeks and hunni you made him blush aight

“you reminded me of a cat i saw yesterday im sorry about that”

“you dont have to apologize”

o sis you did it now

you s p o k e

so Kita was beyond surprised to hear that voice again,,,, and this time from yOU,, ALL NORMAL,, NO FROGS

“i, i can explain”

he looked at you confused, hell was he so confused, that you sounded exactly like the voice he randomly heard yesterday which made him think that came from the cat,, he didnt think that was physically possible bc yk but the embarrassment from your face was enough for him to guess

“did you really say you’re willing to marry me”

gOD

“i mean,,, i don’t mind”

“grandma would be glad”

stay tuned for more!

[reginarubie]

Hey, have you considered posting your metas and stuff on AO3 as a back up? It's just that my Tumblr was delete in the tumblr purge. And lost all the metas I loved and I'm desperately trying to find them

Ciao anon!,

Tbh I did know now you can put your metas on ao3 but I had not considered doing so, though they are growing and it would be a pity to loose them after I’ve worked so hard on them (since I wrote them directly on the Tumblr editor so I don’t have a backup) and loose all the other bloggers metas I love so much because of some bug or a Tumblr purge, so perhaps I ought to consider the idea of making a back up on ao3 indeed. After all I have already listed ‘em all or almost (there are some that are still lost to me even tho I was the one who wrote them when I first begun my Tumblr adventure) in the Hang your stocking to the Hag post and connected post per category so it shouldn’t be too much of work to gather them and put them on ao3.

Yeah. I think I will! Thank you for the suggestion! I hope you find all the metas you are trying to find! If I can be of help let me know which metas you’re searching for, maybe a mutual or two of mine and yours can help find ‘em!

As always hope you have a very nice day! Thank you for the suggestion!

[idonthaveanyurlideas]

The Lionett Estate Scene Ep92 Transcribed

So that final scene of the episode absolutely destroyed me, but so much was going on and I didn’t want to misremember any of it.

So I transcribed the whole thing while watching the rerun because I’m not a subscriber lol. Anyway it’s under the read more, including everything up to the gang arriving at the Lionett Estate to the end of the episode! I might’ve missed my body language, but I think I got everything else right.

Jester: Beau… whatever happens… he was an asshole for being mean to you. You’re a wonderful person… [Looks at Nott, and the others.] Nott: You’re a wonderful person! Jester: You’re a wonderful person he was lucky to have you for a daughter, hopefully he will realise that now. If he doesn’t, remember what you told me. Fuck him. You have us, and we love you so much, okay? Beau: Thanks Jes. [They hug, and then Beau exhales.] They added an arch. It’s even more pretentious now. Okay lets go. Nott: Do we knock? Or call? [Description from Matt. Yasha looks for flowers, of which there are none. Fjord looks for guards. There’s about two. They walk to the gate, which Beau unlocks with a hair pin. They hitch their horses.] Nott: After you, Beauregard.
 Jester: If you want us to attack anyone at all, just say armadillo. Beau: Armadillo, got it. [Deep breath.] Okay. Lets go. Fjord: Do you want us with you? Beau: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I roll deep, that looks fucking awesome. Jester: You’re in charge of us, you’re the leader of the group, cool cool, cool? Beau: It’s fine it’s fine- Okay, let’s go. [They walk to the front door. Beau uses the door knocker. Door knocker jokes ensue.] Servant: Hello, can I help you? Beau: Is the lady or man of the house here tonight? Servant: May I ask who’s inquiring? Jester: Tch. Beau: Beauregard Lionett. Servant: [visibly shocked] Oh, um, I’m afraid the master is attending to the vineyards at the moment, he’ll probably be back shortly for dinner. Ms Lionett is inside, please enter. Jester: Oh shit. Beau, what if your dad recognises my voice? Beau: He probably will. Jester: shit- [chatter between Jester, Beau and Nott about Jester changing her voice.] Servant: Wait just a moment. Madame? Madame? [Beau walks over to the fireplace and stares at it.] Nott: Yeah, I mean, looks pretty awful here. Right? No? Caleb: The family has done alright for themselves. Jester: How you are- how- how- Nott: How you are. Jester: How are you? Are? [Nott and Fjord both mess around with the order of ‘How are you’] Clara: B e au re gard- Beau: Hey Mom. Clara: I-I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were coming. Uh- Beau: Yeah its kinda a trend I have going on. Clara: Well- uh- hehe- [Walks down stairs, approaches, halts, uncertain.] [Awkward, kinda warm, kinda stilted hug between Clara and Beau ensues.] Beau: I’m sorry to barge in, I know you were wanting to kinda keep me distant from the family but, um, I need to talk to Dad its important. And then we’ll be gone and you don’t have to [unintelligible] anymore- Clara: Oh you can stay as long as you like and who are your friends? TJ: Mommy? [runs downstairs and hangs onto Clara.] [Clara takes Beau’s hands.] Clara: It’s good to see you. Beau: Yeah? Clara: Would you like to stay for dinner? Someone, probably Jester: mmm- Fjord: That’s most gracious of you. We are the Mighty Nein, we are esteemed friends of your daughter. Clara: Well any friends of Beauregard are friends of ours. So, uh- Nott: How you are? Clara: Uh- I’m Clara Lionett. Beauregard’s mother but I assume you know that by now. Um- I’ll ensure some places are set. Beau: Hey Mom, remember that year we had that, like- mudslide that ended up happening and took out half our stock and we only have a few bottles left can we grab one of those. I’ve been talking about that a lot and uh- Clara: Yes, of course [sends a servant for a bottle] Anyway, uh, Oh my goodness oh my goodness I didn’t even, Beauregard- Clara: Thoreau Jr, I’d like you to meet your older sister Beauregard, Beauregard this is Thoreau Jr. TJ: That sister? Clara: Yes, that’s your sister. [TJ walks up, Beau crouches down. They hug. I die.] Beau: He’s has that uh smell to him. Like all the fuckin kids in Kamordah. Clara: Uh, we were hoping you’d come by sometime to meet him. Beau: Did you know- It was the timeline was always interesting to me. Did you know you were pregnant with him when you sent me away? [Long, very awkward silence] Fjord, very randomly: The Mantle is LOVELY uH-Jester would you help me out for a moment, Nott- perhaps uh [clears throat] if everyone- [Beau leans down to TJ] Beau: Hey little man. TJ: Hey. Beau: What’s your favourite colour? [TJ looks totally stumped before he points at Clara’s dress] Beau: Green? [TJ nods] Beau: Well here, you might like this then. [Passes over her jade necklace. He begins to eat it.] Yeah. It’s been in some dank places little man so uh, it’ll really build up your immune system. [TJ continues to eat it.] Clara: Look. Beauregard… Things are challenging all around, I didn’t- You’re father didn’t mean things to- become so tense. When you went away. Beau: Well it was a hell of a goodbye, you know. Not entirely sure why anyone would think that was a good fuckin idea to handle a situation. With a daughter that was clearly just wanting your fucking attention. Clara: I’m sorry. And it doesn’t mean much. Your father was under a lot of stress and- Beau: [scoff] Clara: Things should’ve been handled differently, you’re right you’re absolutely right. Beau: Fuck Mom. So you’re just as passive as you were back in the day. Did you get that bottle of wine? [Jeanine appears with wine] Beau: JEANINE. MY HERO. Clara: Here’s the thing- Beau: Jeanine! Jeanine! Jeanine! Give- [Passes out wine.] It’s like, one of our most expensive bottles of wine, so, enjoy. [Door opens. Thoreau Arrives. He is Surprised.] Thoreau: Beauregard. Beau: Hiiiii. [Waves loosely.] I’m home. Thoreau: I can see that. I… was not expecting to see you today- Beau: or ever. Thoreau: Welcome, welcome. Friends of yours, I assume? Beau: Yeah, mum, dad, this is the Mighty Nein. Nott: Hi. [Thoreau looks at Nott and instantly gets weird.] Beau: Dad, don’t. Don’t do that, Dad. Nott: Oh. It’s fine. [Clara picks up TJ] Beau: Fucking embarrassing. Nott: Cute kid. Yasha: Looks very tasty. [Clara looks very concerned.] Clara: I’m gonna put TJ to- put him down. [Clara and TJ leave the room.] Thoreau: Well it’s a pleasure to have you all. I’m glad you’ve all been… been… travelling, I assume. [Nott rifles for cups] Thoreau: I’ve been receiving updates about your work with the Cobalt Soul. Apparently been doing quite some fine work. I-I guess I should say Expositor Beauregard? That’s incredible, I mean- Beau: Still sending you tuition updates, huh? Thoreau: Well, it’s important for us to know how our Beauregard’s doing. Caleb: Unparalleled, she is. Thoreau: Mhmm, as she would be. [Jester makes a 23 Insight Check to see if Thoreau is being genuine and gets a whisper] Nott: Found a couple cups. Caduceus: This I will try. Nott: Ooh. Thoreau: Well, I- uh- A toast to Expositor Beauregard Lionett, heh. Fjord: Cheers. [Everyone raises their glasses.] Thoreau: I know you well enough, Beauregard, to assume you haven’t come for the sake of pleasantries. [Jester moves next to Beau and puts a hand on her back] Jester, whispering: Do you want us to stay? Beau, very quiet: please. Beau, louder: Uh- yeah, you know me Dad, wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want something. Um- listen, that story you love to tell at every family gathering and for bedtime and any chance you had, uh- that old hag that you talked about. We need to find her. Is that story even real? Or is it just meant to terrify me. [T finishes drink and sets it down.] Thoreau: Of course it’s real, Beauregard. Look, I know you- I know we’ve had our differences. And I’ve not- I’ve not been the pinnacle of a father in the same way that you’ve been the pinnacle of a daughter. I accept my responsibilities in the things I may have been a bit harsh on. But look what you’ve become. Beau: This feels like a- a weird justification of your behaviours, but I’d like to hope that I became had fucking nothing to do with you but maybe I’d be lying to myself. Yeah, I was difficult. I had my onus(?) in everything that happened. But I thought a dad was supposed to stay by their kid when they’re having a fucking hard time. [pause] Mom already fucking mentioned that life gets difficult and its hard. So you’re right maybe it’s easy to justify the easy way out, just get rid of the problem. Thoreau: That’s not what this was about. You were on a self-destructive path. We didn’t know what to do. I’ve never been a- no one teaches you how to be a good father. [pause] I regret choices I have made, and you think I don’t hold myself responsible for- I thought I was doing what was best for you, truly. Beau: You did. It was probably the best thing you could’ve done for me, so thank you. [pause] Beau: Tell me the story again, and then I’ll go. [pause] Thoreau: It’s true. I haven’t lied to you or made anything up. Why are you asking about this? [Beau looks at Nott] Beau: She has information we need. Thorau: You’re trying to actually.. go to her? Beau: We need her. Thoreau: What for? [pause, Beau looks at Nott again.] Beau: Why are you afraid? Thoreau: I’m not afraid, I’m just curious. Beau: We think she has something to do with why… Jester, in some kind of southern accent: We need it to break a curse, that’s all. [The cast break into giggles.] Nott: Your daughters trying to do what she always does. Help a friend. Thoreau: Well… I mean I just heard the stories. Growing up about the witch in the mountains. Beau: What was her name? Thoreau: I don’t remember she was just the witch in the mountains- Beau you know how I grew up, I had nothing. I was in the street I had nothing to lose. I mean if I was lucky, it would work. If I wasn’t quite as lucky she’d chop me up and eat me, I didn’t have anything else waiting for me. So I-uh just went and wandered north, through the mountains through the forest and my shoes began to split and chased by wolves and worse til eventually one day I just stumbled upon this little shack. And there was the witch, right when I began to think it was all a lie and I’d thrown myself to the wolves for nothing, there she was. With her crooked smile and hungry eyes. Jester: did she have long arms? Thoreau: Longer than natural, yeah. She asked me how I come here and threw myself so withered before her and I said I had nothing to lose and had heard that she can help people. She said she could. She said she was a fortuneteller. She said fortune was her specialty. And so she threw her runes and played her cards and said that there was a way to get what I always wanted. For just a fragment of… my fortune. And I said well I don’t have a fortune. She said, not that fortune. Your {pointing at beau] fortune. And I agreed because I had nothing to lose. So this woman I wanted to marry doesn’t deserve an impoverished man. Whatever it takes. And so, she said, I’ll be a great craftsman, working in fine spirits, to pick a place in the mountain land and wherever I picked, the ground would grow. She said that a young Beau/Bow(?) would take on the great name, to continue the success. Til everything, eventually, will humble me by that which I desire most. [pause] And then she sent me on my way. [Pause] Thoreau: We came back, we built our land, the last bit we could borrow from our family, and she was right. And we had another blessing [gesture to Beau]. And the fact that it all worked means I don’t know what else she took, and I don’t know what’s coming to humble me, and I just wanna protect my family, so if you intend to actually go and see this witch, just be careful. Beau: For me? Or for you and yours? Thoreau: For Us, Beauregard. [Pause] Beau: Maybe I’m the one that’s sent to humble you. Thoreau: [inhale] Beau, don’t think for any moment that your mother and I haven’t loved you from the depths of our hearts this entire time- I’m sorry if we didn’t show it properly. [Pause. Beau shakes her head, before chuckling.] Beau, tearful: I don’t know if I feel validated or vindicated or what! Jester, quiet: It’s so confusing. Thoreau: My apologies. I didn’t realise this would be- the evening I think any of us was coming home to. I’m a bit caught off guard, and unprepared. Beau: Yeah. Well, some things never change, do they, Dad? Jester: Beau? [pulls her aside] Beau: I’m like seconds away from losing my shit- Jester: I know, I know you are. Um, I just want you to know that, um, he looks like he’s telling the truth. Beau, obviously he was terrible to you, obviously he didn’t terrible things and he sent you away and that’s horrible, but I do believe they love you. I do. And- I don’t expect you to forgive them right away by any means.  But I would just encourage you to maybe, maybe, listen to them the way you listen to us, with open ears. Beau: How did you do it? Jester: Do what?
 Beau: Forgive your dad so quickly. Jester: Well… I mean, he seemed pretty earnest… and, there’s not a lot to be gained from holding grudges. You know, it feels like poison inside of you. How much better would it feel if you could just… be clean. Beau: But I’m so good at holding grudges. Jester: I know, you’re really good at it. [pause] Beau: You make… an interesting point though. [unintelligible] Caleb: This is an excellent bottle. Thoreau: Well, looking at the bottle its an extremely rare one that I would have preferred to keep in the cellar, but it’s a special occasion, so, enjoy it. Caleb: A most special occasion. A reunion. With Beauregard. [pause] Beau: Im gonna go find this woman that you based so much of our entire lives around, and hope that I can better understand, why and where you’re coming from. Because- what you and mum didn’t do, a lot of the footwork into understanding me, it doesn’t mean that I can’t do my research to better understand where I came from. You’ve done a lot. To reflect on- what choices I’ve made to put me in the position that I”m in. And I guess I’m just mildly disappointed to see that the same amount of work hasn’t been done, or at least even remotely attempted- Thoreau: That’s not entirely true, Beauregard. [pause] Not entirely wrong, either. Beau: I gave Thoreau Jr the jade necklace. Make sure he doesn’t choke on it. Thoreau: D-don’t leave and go to his woman without any sort of protection, hold on just a second [He leaves.] Nott: You’re doing great, you’re doing amazing- Jester: You’re doing a really good job, Beau- Nott: Protection? You think that protects you? Beau: I told you, he’s incredibly superstitious. Jester: We never actually checked if it did anything it could be really valuable- [Caduceus casts Detect Good and Evil, then Detect Magic. Liam casts Fireball. Sadly, Caleb does not. Thoreau comes back with a new jade necklace. Lights are magic, necklace is not.] Thoreau: This is your mothers, but, just please, please, for me. If you’re going to do this. Beau: [unintelligible] -kind of an upgrade. Thoreau: I only hope… hope that I can make up to you, the missteps that I can plainly see behind me. It’s rare that a child’s damage at that age and- behaviour doesn’t reflect how I - misstepped in my parenting. [pause] Beau: … thank you, for that. Um- Thoreau: Your grandfather was no peach either, and there’s- there’s difficulty in realising how much you intended to be different. And then to realise that you’ve become so similar. So I hope that with the company you keep, maybe you won’t repeat the same mistakes I have. By treating the people around you. Beau: I’m trying to do better. [pause] I’ll let you know how it goes. Thoreau: Good, good. Jester: Are we staying- are we going- Nott: Are we leaving? Beau: We should go. Yasha; Yeah? Beau: Tell mom, thank you. [pause] MOM! [Clara appears] Clara: Yes? Beau: I’m going, mom. Clara: Oh, oh alright. [Brings TJ out as well] [Hands TJ to Thoreau, takes Beau’s hands] Clara: I’m sorry things- things are strained tonight, but it’s good to see you. Beau: [leans in, whispering] You’re allowed to have an opinion too, mom. I’ll let you know how it goes. Clara: Of course. [squeezes hand and lets go.] [TJ comes up, starts sucking on necklace again.] Clara: No-no- [Tries to stop him.] [Beau fist bumps TJ or something] Thoreau: Be safe. Beau: I will. I promise. Thoreau: [At M9] Keep her safe. Jester: Always! Caduceus: Of course. Jester: You won’t wanna give her an awkward hug or anything she’s gonna face a pretty powerful being. Beau: I think we’re good. Thoreau: Right. Jester: Okay, just checkin. Nott: Good luck to you too. Beau: Any landmarks to look out for?   Thoreau: If you hear noise, run. There was a thick, bramble, tangle. Partially grey and petrified, like many of the woods there. That means you’re close. If the ground begins to tar, it looks like, you’re almost there. And if I recall, it’s pretty straight north from here. Beau: Alright. Jester: Should we take horses there, or should we go on foot?
 Thoreau: You can take horses as far as you want but there’ll be a point where you won’t be able to bring them with you. Jester: So leave the horses here? Or- Nott: Take em for a bit Jester: alright. Nott, quiet: if we care about horses- Thoreau: Well, uh- the Mighty Nein. It’s been a pleasure having you. Welcome to the Lionett Estate and travel safe. We look forward to seeing you again. Nott: You too. Many years ago I was granted a wish by that same witch and I turned into this as a result so I hope the same doesn’t happen to you. Bye. Beau: Bye dad. [swipes a bottle of wine] [Nott takes the cup she was drinking and also steals some jade rabbit sculptures.] Nott: When our friend [Fjord/Travis, who was absent from the table at the time] gets out of the shitter tell him to meet us outside. [Yasha hangs back] Yasha: You should be very proud of your daughter, you are very lucky to have her. Thoreau: I agree. Yasha: You should show her that more then. If for some reason, we end up killing this hag, will all of this go away? [pause] Thoreau: I don’t know. Yasha: Well. Maybe that would help you remember what’s important. Have a good night. [They leave. Thoreau stands with the door open for a moment watching them before closing the door. Beau, crying a little, pulls the Nein into a group hug.] Beau, quiet: Yeah, that’s good.

[Episode Ends]