#hurt i think and not intentionally and there was never any hostility towards each other

[politicsofheroin]

no but. im in love. i love her sm. like i just know people have to look at us together and know we love each other. like. uk what i mean? this is what love looks like.

[hawks-supremacy]

Pushed Away

summary: Kyotani Kentaro had a hard time letting people into his life, but you somehow managed to worm your way into his heart.

warnings: Swearing, fighting, super cheesy at some parts, angst

genre: fluff, angst

word count: 6.5k

a/n: This ended up being way longer than I intended it to be...oops.

You were in your second year of middle school when you met Kyotani Kentaro. You noticed he didn’t really hang out with anyone, often opting to stick to himself and not bothering to make any friends. You weren’t exactly extremely outgoing seeing as how you only had one or two people you would consider your friends, but you still wanted to befriend the guy who sat alone at lunch and seemed to have a constant scowl on his face. What’s the worst that could happen anyway?

So here you were with your neatly packed bento boxes, having packed an extra one in hopes your befriending attempt was successful. You explained to your two friends why you wouldn’t be sitting with them at lunch and they called you insane, you even invited them to come with confident in your endeavours and they quickly declined the offer. So with a smile on your face and peace offering in hand you made your way outside to where Kyotani usually sat by his lonesome.

As you sat down next to Kyotani he slowly turned his head to look at you, his signature scowl left on his face as he greeted you with a hostile, “What are you doing?” You looked up with a soft smile on your face, wordlessly offering him one of the bento boxes in your hand. His scowl turned to a look of confusion as you set the gift on the ground next to him when he refused to take it, “Are you deaf or something? What are you doing?” He asked with a little more edge to his voice than before.

You unwrapped and opened your lunch as you responded, “You’re on the volleyball team right? I’ve noticed you never eat lunch, you should eat lunch everyday so you have more energy for practice. So I packed you a bento box, I wasn’t sure what you would like so there’s a little bit of everything I usually eat.” You began to eat and his frown deepened as he still refused to pick up the bento box that sat to his left.

You stopped eating as he asked a simple, “Why?” You thought for a moment as you stared at each other. After a minute you shrugged and continued eating, “I want to be your friend.” You said in between bites of food. “Are you going to stare at me the whole hour or are you going to eat?” You asked, setting down your chopsticks and looking at him with raised eyebrows. You continued to stare at him until he silently picked up the bento box and opened it. He examined the food for a bit, looking up at you and back down at the food before he picked up the chopsticks and began eating.

You both ate in silence for the rest of the lunch period occasionally looking at each other like a silent conversation. Even though you hadn’t previously spoken to each other prior to today it was still a comfortable silence. You didn’t feel like you needed to talk to fill the void like you did with your other friends. As the bell rang indicating the end of lunch and beginning of the next period you packed up the empty boxes and stood up. As you went to walk away you heard Kyotani mumble a “thanks” as he walked in the opposite direction and you smiled as you went to your next class.

The next day you walked over to the same place as yesterday but Kyotani wasn’t there. You were a little disappointed but you figured he didn’t want to be bothered. You set down the bento box you once again made for him in hopes he’d come back later and turned around to go back to your usual seat. You didn’t make it far as you turned around and immediately ran into the boy you were searching for. You mumbled an apology that fell on deaf ears as he spoke over you, “What are you doing back?” He questioned as he walked around you to sit down in his usual spot.

“I came to eat with you again, but you weren’t here. I was just going to leave the bento in case you came back.” He was already opening the lunch as you explained and sat down by him. He mumbled something about his class getting out late as he stuffed his mouth full of the tempura your dad helped you cook.

You ate in silence for a few minutes before Kyotani cleared his throat, “So uh, do you like your classes?” He asked awkwardly. You laughed at his attempt to make small talk, coughing as you almost choked on the food you were in the process of chewing. You took a deep breath after calming down and looked up at Kyotani whose ears were slightly pink and looked less than impressed.

“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to laugh at you Kyotani, it’s just, you don’t have to make small talk if you don’t want to. I’m more than fine eating in silence until you feel comfortable enough to talk without sounding forced.” You gently closed your bento box as you explained your laughing fit. He nodded and went back to eating as you began some homework that was assigned in one of your earlier classes. You looked up as he softly asked what you were working on.

“Something for math, I’m not the best at math but I’m not the worst either. I just figured I’d get a headstart on the assignment so I don’t have to worry about it later.” You continued working on your assignment as you talked, Kyotani nodding as he finished up his food. You didn’t talk much after that, staying quiet as you worked on the problems presented to you on the paper. As the bell rang you packed up your bag and looked over and saw Kyotani with his eyes closed. You gently shook him as you tried to wake him up, “Kyotani, lunch is over we need to go back to class.” He hummed and swatted your hand away, “Yeah yeah, I’m getting up calm down. See ya later Y/n.”

It became routine for you and Kyotani to eat lunch together for the remainder of the school year. By the end of the school year what was once a comfortable silence was now a nonstop conversation. You both grew quite close but your interactions were limited to lunch. You didn’t have classes together and you weren’t sure if he’d be comfortable with you asking to hangout outside of school. So you left your interactions to lunch, which you were fine with. Until the school year was almost over.

It was the last day of school and you were thinking about how you wouldn’t see Kyotani until next year. He could tell you were a little upset and decided to ask what was wrong. “It’s the last day of school, so we won’t see each other until next year.” You were looking down at your food as you responded but you could’ve sworn you heard him let out a small chuckle before flicking you in the forehead. “Ow! What was that for?!” You exclaimed while rubbing the spot he flicked.

“You’re being dramatic for nothing. You have my phone number and I have yours, we can hang out any time either of us want.” He scoffed as he finished his sentence. Maybe you were being a bit dramatic, but you couldn’t help it. It was hard to tell what Kyotani was thinking or what he wanted to do. You weren’t scared of him, you were probably one of the only people who weren’t, but you made so much progress in being his friend and you didn’t want it to end just because you wanted to hang out outside of school and he didn’t.

“Kyotani, are you glad I became your friend?” You asked, scared to know the answer. He thought for a moment before nodding and asking why. “Well the first day I ate lunch with you two of my friends told me I was stupid and you’d never want to be my friend. I’ve been wondering if you’ve just been tolerating me all this time.”

He furrowed his eyebrows at your statement, “Did you believe them?” You shrugged in response because you honestly thought it was a fifty fifty shot when you first approached him. “That’s stupid, I wouldn’t let you sit by me everyday at lunch if I didn’t want you to. The only people I tolerate are people I have to tolerate, like my teammates. Your friends were idiots and so were you if you believed them.” You nodded as the bell rang signaling that your daily dose of Kyotani was over. You said goodbye to each other and went in opposite directions to your classes.

You were leaving the classroom when Kyotani decided to scare you, not intentionally, you just weren’t paying attention when he walked up behind you. “Should put a bell on you, I swear you came out of nowhere. What are you even doing here?” You said with your hand on your chest trying to calm down. He shrugged in response as you two exited the school, “Walking you home so I know where to go when I’m hungry.”

You gasped in mock hurt, “You’ve been using me for my cooking haven’t you! I can’t believe this, I’m honestly heartbroken at the notion. You should just turn away and leave now.” You said trying to push him in the opposite direction of your house. He planted his feet on the ground, effectively stopping you from pushing him any further. “If I didn’t know any better I’d say you didn’t want me at your house.” You stopped trying to push him and he turned around to look at you, “Do you not want me over to your house? Weren’t you the one who was all disappointed we wouldn’t be able to hang out anymore”

You opened your mouth to respond and closed it, not quite knowing how to phrase what you wanted to say. You thought for a moment, going back and forth in your head before deciding on a response, “It’s not that I don’t want you over to my house. It’s that my dad is embarrassing and I don’t know what he’ll say to you to be quite honest.”

He raised his eyebrows at your answer, “It can’t be that bad. Come on let’s get going, I’m sure your dad is waiting for you at home. You can come over to my house later and you can meet my embarrassing parents in exchange.”

You sighed and started to lead the way to your house when you realized he wasn’t following you. You turned around and saw him standing there with his hands in his pockets. “Are you coming with or not?” He started walking towards you after you asked. “Don’t blame me when my dad says something stupid though.” You said as he rested an arm on your shoulder as you walked.

“Dad, I'm home! I brought a friend with me!” You yelled into the house as you walked in and took off your shoes. You knew he was home because you saw his car outside. You heard footsteps round the corner from the kitchen as your dad came to greet you with a mixing bowl in hand.

“Hey, how was your last day of school?” He asked as he gave you a side hug. “Who’s this?” He said, eyeing Kyotani, trying to form a first impression of the boy in question as he stood there. You hugged him back as you responded, “It was fine, uninteresting. This is Kyotani Kentaro, is it okay if he stays for dinner tonight?” He agreed but only if Kyotani helped cook.

“ So this is the boy you’ve been cooking everyday for? They talk about you a lot.” Your dad said as you all entered the kitchen. You groaned at his statement, “Dad, can you not say embarrassing things like that? See this is why I didn’t want you over here.” You said turning to Kyotani who was chuckling at the interaction.

He shrugged, walking over to the sink to wash his hands as you finished, “I think it’s endearing that you talk about me to your dad.” You shook your head as you started to cut up vegetables, choosing to ignore the conversation your dad and Kyotani were currently having. You didn’t notice as Kyotani walked up next to you with a mixing bowl in hand, “How’s it going over here?” He asked, startling you.

“Don’t scare people in the kitchen, that’s how accidents happen Kyotani.” You scolded as he laughed at your response. He put his hands up in surrender and went back to mixing the contents in the bowl. Your dad smiled as he watched you guys interact, leaving you both to do your own thing instead of joining the conversation and ruining the dynamic you both had. He eventually told you both to go do something else and he’d come get you when dinner was done.

“Your dad seems cool. Also seems like a good cook.” Kyotani said as you guys entered your room. You nodded as you set your bag down next to your desk before sitting on your bed. “Yeah he’s pretty laid back with everything. It’s just me and him so he tries his best to be the strict parent every now and then. He’s also a professional chef, so I’d hope he was a good cook. You can set your stuff anywhere you want.” He nodded, setting his stuff by the door and sitting on your desk chair.

You talked about your family life a bit more, you found out he had an older sister who he didn’t really talk to and that his parents were separated but he lived with his dad. You explained how it was just you and your dad. Your mom got sick when you were younger and couldn’t understand what was happening or why your mom didn’t come home from the hospital. By the time you were done sharing tragic backstories your dad was calling you both for dinner.

Your dad quizzed Kyotani about his life and interests throughout dinner and you tried your best to interject when you felt things were going to be awkward but sometimes you were just a tad bit too late. Kyotani answered each question honestly and without hesitation, refusing to back down. You sat there the whole time thinking it was a mistake having him stay for dinner and how you should’ve just stuck with your answer of refusing him coming over.

At the end of dinner Kyotani had to go home and you said your goodbyes. Your dad said he was welcome over anytime and you were just glad they didn’t end up fist fighting over some of the questions that were thrown out. You were glad you pursued your attempts at becoming Kyotani’s friend. You could tell you were going to be friends for a while.

Two years later you found yourself and Kyotani watching a movie while you studied in your living room. It had been a month since you both started your first year at Aoba Johsai and you two happened to be in the same class. You got out of volleyball practice a few hours early and came home to study. You joined the volleyball team as their new manager to hopefully spend more time with Kyotani and make sure he wasn’t getting into too much trouble. You finally finished the homework you were working on for the past hour and sighed looking over at your best friend who was laying down on your couch, having finished his work fifteen minutes ago. You went over to where he was and sat on the floor in front of him poking his face until he woke up. “What do you want?” He asked before closing his eyes again.

You sighed, folding your arms on the couch cushion and laying your head on top, “Why’d you almost get in a fight today?” Earlier today you left Kyotani at lunch to go get a drink from the vending machine down around the corner and when you came back he was in a yelling match with some random kid you didn’t know. You stopped him before he could actually start throwing punches and pulled him away. He shrugged at the question saying it wasn’t important. “Seriously Kentaro, I don’t understand why you’re so angry all the time. You’re actually really nice and chill if you just let people get to know you.”

He sighed as he sat up, “Because it’s easier to have everyone hate you than trying to get everyone to like you. Why bother trying to please people when you can just worry about yourself.” You frowned at the response, you sure didn’t hate him. He didn’t really try to make you hate him either. Sure he wasn’t the nicest when you first met but he also didn’t yell at you or anything drastic like that.

“I don’t hate you. I don’t think you hate me either, you didn’t try to get me to hate you from what I can remember either.” You said as you got up from the floor and sat next to Kyotani on the couch.

He yawned as he stretched before turning to you, “You were different. I don’t know how to explain it but you are. I didn’t mind letting you into my small bubble, you know?” You were shocked that he was opening up like this, usually your conversations just consisted of him telling you about everyone that got on his nerves that day and you talking about the new people you met.

Of course whenever you met new people you knew they weren’t going to stick around long. Often they would talk bad about your best friend without knowing that you were friends, so you didn’t stick around them much. Not that you minded, you were perfectly content with your one good friend, not feeling the need to be friends with every single person you met in your life like some people did.

The only problem was that within the past year you began to develop feelings for your best friend. You started to fall in love with the guy who pushed everyone away but you. The guy who never showed any other emotions than annoyed or angry. The guy who you couldn’t quite figure out, and now? Now you were trying to figure out a way to tell him. “Y/n? Are you there? You’ve been spacing out for like three minutes.” He said waving his hand in front of your face.

You turned your head to look at Kyotani who was smirking, trying not to laugh at the fact that you had zoned out. “Were you talking that whole time?” You asked tilting your head slightly to the side.

He raised his eyebrows for a bit before speaking, “Yeah I was just saying how I’m in love with you and how I think you’re the one for me.” You gasped and looked at him with wide eyes about to confess before he started speaking again, “I’m kidding I was asking how you think you’re going to do on the test.”

You closed your mouth and furrowed your eyebrows. “That’s not very nice, you know. You shouldn’t play with other people’s emotions like that, Kyotani.” He was about to speak before you interrupted him this time, “I mean what if I believed that you liked me like that. Of course you don’t it was stupid to think you could, but for you to joke about it? That’s a new level of low.”

You continued to ramble until he eventually cut you off, “Y/n! Would you shut up for one second so I can talk?” You stopped talking and folded your arms, refusing to look at him. “I do like you, that’s just not how I wanted to tell you. I wasn’t sure if you’d like me back so I played it off before you could respond. Sorry if I hurt your feelings, you’re the last person I want to hurt. You’re probably the only person I care about.” You started tearing up at his confession, feeling stupid about the current situation. “Are you crying? Shit I’m sorry.”

You shook your head trying to blink away the tears that were threatening to fall. “No it’s a stupid thing to cry over, sorry. I like you too Kentaro. I just thought you didn’t so it was overwhelming when you said that. Again stupid, sorry.”

He pulled you into a hug that basically ended with you sitting on his lap, “Don’t apologize for your emotions, Y/n. I’m glad you like me back, this means I have a reason to yell at the guys who ask me if you’re single.” You laughed as you hugged him back.

“You know Kentaro, this is the most emotion you’ve ever shown.” He shoved you off of the couch telling you to shut up. You continued your laughing fit before you paused realizing something. “Wait, is that why you almost got into a fight today? Because that guy asked if I was single?” When he didn’t say anything and refused to look you in the eyes you started laughing. “Seriously Kentaro? You were mad because someone asked if I was single? I’m flattered that you felt like you needed to fight the poor boy but holy shit, you probably traumatized him.”

He just shrugged in response as he mumbled, “It was the way he asked, he was all cocky about it. Was hitting on you too saying you had a nice ass.” You opened your mouth in mock hurt, “Are you saying I don’t have a nice ass?” You watched as he stumbled over his words, trying to back track over his previous statement.

You continued the back and forth teasing and laughing for the next hour and a half until your Dad got home. “Hey Dad! How was the restaurant?” You asked leaning over the front of the couch to watch as he walked in. Kyotani hooked an arm over the back of the couch and turned his head to briefly greet your dad.

“It was okay, pretty busy. Is Kyotani staying for dinner? I brought plenty of leftovers from the restaurant.” He said, taking off his coat and walking towards the kitchen. You jumped up from the couch and followed him into the kitchen sitting down at the table as Kyotani followed closely behind. “Yes he is, unless he’s going home right now?” You asked Kyotani who shook his head as he sat next to you. “Well I hope you like nigiri, we had a party of 10 who preordered it and never showed up.” Your Dad explained as he sat down with the to-go containers of food. You high fived your dad, “I love when that happens.”

You spent 10 minutes discussing how school was and any upcoming assignments that were due or tests that were coming up. You were about to talk about the upcoming practice match that Aoba Johsai had against Nekoma when Kyotani spoke up, “I’d like to date Y/n, if you’d let me.” You whipped your head towards your Kyotani who was having a stare down with your Dad.

You looked at your dad who looked at you and then Kyotani confused, “You mean you haven’t been dating this whole time?” He asked innocently. “I seriously just assumed you were dating this entire time, I’m sorry.” He continued when no one said anything.

A week later a Kyotani was taking you on your first date. You weren’t doing much, he just took you to get some ice cream and now you were sitting on a swing set just talking about nothing as you stared at the sky. It may not have been much but you wouldn’t have traded it for the world, in your eyes this was the perfect first date.

At the end of the date he was walking you home and he mentioned that he was nervous that the date wouldn’t be enough and you’d hate it. After all, you didn’t really have jobs so it was all he could afford at the time. You told him it was perfect as he dropped you off at your house. You were about to kiss him when your dad opened the door, “Oh did I interrupt, my apologies. I thought you forgot your house key and that’s why you were standing here. I’ll just uh, let you continue.” He slowly backed away and closed that door.

“Oh my god that was so embarrassing. I’m so sorry.” You said while running your hands down your face in both frustration and embarrassment. Kyotani chuckled as he removed your hands from your face and placed a gentle kiss on your lips. “It’s fine. Goodnight Y/n.” He said and walked away. You yelled a goodbye and walked inside to see your dad smirking at you. You felt your face heat up and quickly walked to your room wanting to avoid an awkward conversation.

A month later you were walking out of your classroom when one of the second years from the volleyball team stopped you and made you follow them. When you rounded the corner you saw Kyotani pinning some poor boy against the lockers all but screaming in his face. Your eyes widened as you scurried over to where they were, pulling Kyotani away from the traumatized boy. “Kentaro you gotta stop getting in fights before you get suspended or expelled.” You said softly as you intertwined your fingers with his and walked out of the school.

“I don’t care, you didn’t hear what he was saying about us.” He huffed and turned his head away from you. You asked what he said and felt his grip on your hand tighten. “He said you’d get tired of me and my attitude and leave, and when you did you had plenty of people waiting to sweep you off of your feet. I think what made me so mad is that he’s right. When you get tired of me you have all these people waiting to take you away from me.”

“Kyotani Kentaro, you stop it right now.” You said coming to a full stop making him face you. “I will never get tired of you, okay? If other people wanna talk about us then let them. They don’t know you like I do. I know you’ll never treat me like shit because you never have and you never will. I have full trust in you and I hope you trust me too. Understand?” You cupped his face as he nodded, “Good.” You said as you quickly pecked his lips and kept walking home.

It’s been nearly a year since you started dating Kyontani and you were panicking because you weren’t sure if you were doing anything for your one year anniversary. Sure you wanted to celebrate but you didn’t know if Kyotani wanted to do anything. You weren’t sure if he was going to get you anything and you weren’t sure if he was going to be mad or happy at the fact that you were getting him a gift. It’s all been so nerve wracking.

The past month or so you felt bad because you’d been picking up extra shifts at your dad’s restaurant to get more money to help pay for his gift, which meant that you were unintentionally avoiding Kyotani. He’d been questioning why you were taking extra shifts suddenly and you always just said that you just wanted to help your dad because he was short staffed.

You weren’t even sure what you were going to get him, you had an idea but you weren’t sure if you wanted to follow through with it or go with something different. You had a week before your one year was coming up and you decided to just follow through with it. You were on the phone with the people who would be preparing your gift when Kyotani rounded the corner and waved at you. In a state of panic that he would find out you turned around and quickly walked in the opposite direction.

You finished up your call and went to find Kyotani, kinda feeling bad that you just avoided him like that. You walked over to your guys’ usual spot, sulking, not that he would ever admit it. “Hey sorry about that, it was an important call.” You said sitting down next to your boyfriend, who moved his hand away when you tried to hold it.

“Who was it?” He grumbled still refusing to look at you. “It was just my dad, he was letting me know that he probably wouldn’t be home for dinner tonight.” What you said wasn’t necessarily a lie, your dad did text you earlier to let you know that he had to cater a party tonight so he wouldn’t be home until later. You were a terrible liar and you figured it’d be easier to lie if it was only a half lie.

Two days later and the company called you back confirming your order and what you wanted. They called while you were hanging out with Kyotani at your house, you quickly excused yourself and went outside to the back to take the call. Kyotani looked at your dad who just shrugged in response. When you came back Kyotani asked who called, you said no one important and he left it at that.

It was two days before your anniversary and you were telling Kyotani that you had to pick something up after school. “I can come with you, I don’t mind.” He offered. Sometimes you really hated that he was sweet and considerate sometimes.

“You can’t come with, sorry ‘Taro.” You watched as he sighed and looked annoyed before asking why not. “You just can't, okay, I can’t explain it right now but you can’t come with.” You couldn’t find an excuse as to why he couldn’t come with you so you just tried to deny him gently. You could tell he was getting frustrated and upset with you and you were glad that you’d be able to give him his gift soon so you could stop being secretive. You knew you could’ve just told him now but you really wanted it to be a surprise.

“You’ve been so secretive lately and it’s getting really fucking annoying and frustrating.” He said as he shook his head. “I know and I’m really sorry, but can you just trust me?” You asked and he sighed deeply before agreeing. You gave him a peck on the cheek before telling him thank you and that you’d text him later when you were home.

It was the day before you’d give Kyotani his gift and you texted him saying that you were going to school early and that you’d just meet him there when you both usually got there. You knew the third years on the team practiced in the gym before school started and you wanted to get their opinions on the gift. You were talking about it with them before you decided on it so you wanted their final approval. Sure they weren’t friends with Kyotani but they spent the most time with him other than yourself of course. Besides who better to get advice on a custom volleyball than some volleyball players themselves?

You were in the middle of talking about the price, because Oikawa was considering getting one, when the door to the gym opened with a slam. You spun around quickly hiding the volleyball behind your back when you saw it was Kyotani. You were about to greet him when he started talking and angrily marching towards where you guys stood.

“I fuckin knew you were doing some shit behind my back.” He nearly screamed at you. You furrowed your eyebrows in confusion as you tried to talk but was immediately cut off before you could even start. “I mean how long did you think this whole secretive “trust me” bullshit would last? Someone told me you were cheating on me with one of the third years and I didn’t believe them because you were always spouting off with that “Do you trust me?” shit. I should’ve known better than to trust you, or anyone for that matter.”

You looked down at your feet as your eyes started to water, not wanting Kyotani to see you cry. Iwaizumi tried talking to him but was quickly yelled at, accused of being the one you were cheating on him with. Iwaizumi and Kyotani were in the middle of a yelling match when you interrupted them, shoving the ball into Kyotani’s chest who caught it before it fell to the ground.

“I was trying to get you a gift you asshole!” You screamed back at him. He examined the gift before looking back at you and opening his mouth before closing it again, trying to find something to say. “Save it you dick, I don’t wanna hear it. It’s easier to have people hate you than to try and get everyone to like you right? Mission accomplished, everyone officially hates you now.” You said with tears streaming down your face. You exited the gym before he could say anything and went home for the day. You texted your dad and asked if he would call the school and let them know you were sick, he agreed and asked what was wrong but you just said you’d explain when you got home.

Kyotani was staring at your gift after you left with furrowed eyebrows, and it was like it was staring back, mocking him. He looked up when Oikawa started to speak, “You know Y/n-chan worked very hard to get that for you.” He said with his arms crossed. “Yeah they worked hard at their dad’s restaurant to be able to get the money to buy that. It wasn’t cheap, they said it was about 14 thousand yen?” Matsukawa asked Hanamaki who nodded. “Yeah and they asked us for advice on what kind of volleyballs we use and what brand we think are the best. They really put a lot of thought into this gift.” Hanamaki continued to lecture Kyotani before Iwaizumi spoke up about the situation.

“Seriously you fucked up. They told you to trust them and you said you did. Then the first person that comes along and says “oh hey y/n’s cheating on you” you choose to believe that person instead of your partner who’s been by your side since what? Second year of middle school? You’re an idiot and you need to fix this because they may have said they hate you but I know that’s not true. So go fix it before they actually hate you.” When Iwaizumi was done scolding Kyotani he took off running to your house, not caring if he missed school.

He got to your house and knocked on the door, he was surprised when your dad answered the door and immediately closed it. He knocked again hoping your dad would open the door for him and he does, only to tell him to go away and close the door again. He desperately knocked again and when your dad opened the door this time he just sighed and said “What do you want?”

“Can I please talk to Y/n? I really messed up and I realize that now, it’s just everyone’s constantly telling me they’re going to leave me one day and I got scared that it was happening. I just want to make this right.” Kyotani practically begged and your dad just stared at him before saying “no” and closing the door again.

You looked at your dad from the couch after he closed the door and he sighed as he turned to you, “He sounds like he’s sorry and he means it, but I’d make him sweat it out before you talk to him. It’s up to you though kid.” With that he walked away to the kitchen to make you guys lunch. You thought about it for a second before deciding you’d do what your dad said and let him “sweat it out” as he said.

You and your dad spent the day watching movies and baking treats to take your mind off of things. It was after supper and you were helping your dad with the dishes when you glanced out of the window and saw Kyotani still sitting outside your door. You gasped which caused your dad to look outside as well. When your dad saw what you gasped at he chuckled at the sight, “Well he’s dedicated that’s for sure. I say go talk to him, I can handle the dishes by myself.”

You sighed as you mentally prepared yourself to talk to Kyotani and walked outside. He looked surprised as you sat down next to him but didn’t say anything. “I’m sorry.” He said after a minute passed. You scoffed in response, folding your arms over your knees and resting your head on your arms, facing away from him. “I was an idiot, I know. I feel really really bad, believe me I do. Everyone’s telling me that you’re too good for me and you’re going to leave me-”

“I know.” You said cutting him off, “I heard you tell it to my dad. I just wanna know why you didn’t trust me enough to not believe them. I don’t care about what other people think, Kyotani.” He winced as you called him by his last name rather than his given name. “I really care about you Kyotani, but you really hurt my feelings. I tell you constantly that I’m not just going to up and leave you because I know you’re different from what everyone else sees. Then you went and treated me like I was everyone else. You pushed me away.”

“I won’t do it again Y/n, I promise.” He pleaded. “Yeah but I don’t know that Kentaro.” You already made up your mind to give him one last chance, you just wanted to hear what he had to say. “But I do, I swear I won’t. Please, I don’t want to lose you. You’re the best thing that’s happened to me and I really don’t want to lose you.”

“Fine, I’ll give you one last chance. If something like this happens again I’m not giving you a third chance. You have to fully trust me and communicate with me. Don’t just assume because the first person you saw told you something that’s not true. Okay?” You finally turned your head to look at Kyotani and it looked like he was about to cry.

He nodded in agreement, “I promise I’ll trust you and talk to you if I have any doubts, which I won’t.” You gave him a soft smile and pulled him into a hug. “I love you Y/n.” He said as he nuzzled his head into your neck. “I love you too ‘Taro.”

[sokkastyles]

Abused kids are often not aware of or have trouble regulating their own emotions but tend to, conversely, be hyper aware of and tapped into the emotions of others. This is a survival mechanism in people who grow up with an abusive parent, because any sudden changes in the mood of the parent could indicate danger. See the scenes of Zuko when he is with Ozai, particularly in "The Awakening" and in the flashback to the war meeting in "The Phoenix King," when Zuko carefully measures his responses to his father's praise, because even accepting praise is dangerous and could be a trap.

Although Zuko is often oblivious in social interactions, he actually shows a pretty keen insight when it comes to mediating and understanding what the others need once he joins the gaang. He figures out that the loss of his firebending is connected to his change of coat, he helps Aang overcome his fear of fire at the same time he overcomes his own mental blocks with regard to his element, and he realizes that Sokka will go on a foolhardy mission to rescue his father no matter how much Zuko warns him that it's dangerous, so he resolves to go with him. Particularly in "The Southern Raiders" he pretty astutely figures out that the source of Katara's anger was her unresolved feelings about her mother's murder, and knew how to help her. He also shows keen insight into what Katara needs. Aang, though he means well, responds to Katara with moralizing that just makes her angrier and more determined to go her own way. Zuko offers her the means and lets her lead the way, and defends her to Aang after Katara had made it clear she did not agree with Aang. Zuko, in fact, gets angry at Aang on Katara's behalf, and interestingly, Katara, the person who regularly told off anyone who ever said a bad word to Aang and who, a few episodes ago, threatened to kill Zuko himself if he ever hurt Aang, says nothing in response to Zuko’s sarcastic words to Aang, only thanks Aang for understanding in a tone that implies that she doesn’t think Aang understands at all.

Zuko also seems to be aware of the tension between Katara and Aang at the end of the episode, as he purposefully leaves Katara on Ember Island and goes to speak to Aang himself about what happened when they confronted Yon Rha. This implies not only that Zuko knew Katara needed space to process her feelings, but that he knew that Aang and Katara would need time away from each other after the angry way they parted, and it also implies that Zuko wanted to explain Katara's perspective to Aang, fearing that Aang would misunderstand. Aang actually misunderstands anyway, wrongly assuming that Katara had forgiven Yon Rha, and Katara angrily tells him that she will never forgive her mother's murderer, but does forgive Zuko.

Zuko tells Aang that he was right about Katara, although that is contradicted by what Katara just said and the events of the episode. I know some people theorize that this was a result of a lack of unity in the writing, but I also don't think it's out of character for Zuko to say this, even though he also ultimately disagrees with Aang's stance on violence. Zuko is again playing a mediator role and playing both sides a bit, because the episode positions him between Aang and Katara, but he also leaves Aang with a challenge to his moral absolutism.

So I don't think it's a stretch to assume that in the very next episode, Zuko was also picking up on some tension between Aang and Katara when he sat between them. I'm not sure he knows about Aang's romantic feelings for Katara - although he would when he hears his actor on stage call Katara "the Avatar's girl" and sees Aang nod. But he does seem to pick up on Aang's irritation being about more than just a taken seat, as he responds with unprompted anger. Zuko also takes note of Aang’s increasing anger throughout the play, with a concerned expression on his face. 

Remember what I said about abused kids being hypersensitive to the changing moods of others? It might be that, or Zuko might be feeling anxious about his role in the play and feeling like he doesn’t deserve forgiveness, or it might be that Zuko is hyper aware of the conflict between Katara and Aang carried over from the last episode to this one.

Actually, this shot is particularly interesting because the rest of the gaang is laughing at the portrayal of Toph, including Katara, until Toph shows that she’s pleased by the play’s portrayal of her. Then we see Katara frown, her attention shifting to Aang. 

Katara is unhappy that her attempt to get even with Toph backfired, then when she notices Aang as the camera pans to her left, she looks even more unhappy. Then we see the shot above of Zuko looking at Aang with clear concern over the situation. I’m pretty sure that Zuko is aware that something is going on between Katara and Aang at this point. Especially since Aang’s anger at being played by a girl (which is made worse by Toph’s happiness at being played by a boy) is linked to his insecurity about his relationship with Katara, and the play keeps making jokes about it, meant for us to feel sorry for Aang for being put in the “little brother” zone.

I think Zuko was generally anxious going into the play. You can see when they walk in that he has his hood pulled up, to hide his face, because he's aware there's a chance someone will recognize him. So even before the play starts, with its incriminating and humiliating portrayal of him, he is probably already on alert and wants to draw as little attention to himself as possible. Aang's outburst is the kind of thing that would draw attention, and Zuko tries to minimize the attention by insisting that Aang just sit next to him. Zuko also reacts with defensive anger, as he is wont to do when he is anxious or upset, which of course would have the opposite effect from drawing attention away from them. But Aang acquiesces in frustration, and Katara, interestingly, notices the dispute, but just like when Zuko defended her to Aang in "The Southern Raiders," says nothing. Katara also is facing away, fidgety, and looks unhappy while the confrontation is going on. This is also consistent with (and probably contributed to) the way Katara reacts to Aang’s pushiness and accusations later on.

Zuko spends much of the back part of season three physically close to Katara, which is a visual way for the animators to show how close they have grown. It’s not necessarily an indication of romantic Zutara, although there is nothing wrong with interpreting it that way, and I find it hilarious how threatened some people are by shippers gushing over the idea that he wanted to sit next to her, particularly in this episode because this episode actually intentionally plays up the “love triangle” for the purposes of getting the audience to sympathize with Aang and root for him to “get the girl.” Regardless of whether we interpret it in a romantic context, I think it is a good indication of how Zuko feels about Katara once he has gotten her forgiveness. Given Zuko’s social ineptitude, it would make sense that he would be likely to want to stick close to the people he felt closest to, especially in situations where he is surrounded by potentially hostile strangers. Witness his behavior in “The Beach,” where he spent most of the time awkwardly glued to Mai’s side and it was when he was separated from Mai at the party that he ran into trouble with the other partygoers, who make fun of him. That might explain why Zuko, although he comes from the opposite direction when they enter the theater as everyone else does, walks all the way down the end of the aisle to sit next to Katara. 

It might also explain why he wants to sit in between Katara and Aang, as these are the two people who he now feels closest to. It also is very likely that he is subconsciously picking up on the tension between Katara and Aang, which comes to a head later in this very episode. It’s worth noting that Zuko is often positioned physically between Katara and Aang throughout this episode, which is meant to communicate to the audience Aang’s anxiety over Katara not returning his feelings (and Zuko plays an indirect part in that, or at least, his stage actor does).

Zuko is also positioned narratively between Aang and Katara as a mediator and comfort to Katara after her fight with Aang in the very next episode, “The Phoenix King,” in which Zuko tells Katara to let Aang figure things out for himself when he runs away after yelling at Katara.

So no, I don’t think the deliberate positioning of Zuko in between Aang and Katara is a coincidence, nor is it “lol Zuko is clueless!” I’m actually very tired of seeing people talk about how clueless Zuko is, especially since a lot of his reactions come from trauma. Even if Zuko didn’t pick up on Aang’s romantic feelings towards Katara he very obviously picks up on and reacts to and interacts with the dynamic between them. And it’s very telling that certain fans will complain about the “infantilization” of Zuko when it’s traits that make him seem sympathetic, but then talk about a traumatized abuse survivor as if they’re completely incompetent.

[themidnightdistraction]

Coming out as Plural

This post will be using I pronouns because it reflects the perspective of the headmate (Felix) writing it. As a plurality as a whole, we use we, our, us and they/them. Each of us have our own personal pronouns too.

What's my Origin?

I don't know. I've had Cerebral Palsy - which since it has physical side effects a lot of people see as a physical disability but which is also neurological - since I was an infant. I also had a seizure in the NICU as a baby. I went through surgeries a lot as a kid. I have also experienced many kinds of trauma, none of which sticks out to any of us as having brought us into being, except maybe once, which coincides with the first time I (Felix) remember fronting in the body, and also lines up with the traditional age range for clinical diagnosis. The thing is, I also have memories of existing before that. Whenever I try to think of when I came from, the only answer that ever makes sense or feels right is that I have always been here. Always been Plural. So, am I Endogenic? Is it likewise possible that the trauma that happened to our brain with our Cerebral Palsy, or maybe the seizure we had as a baby laid the groundwork for us? I don't know. I've sat by the sidelines in the Plural community, listening carefully to the experiences of both traumagenic and endogenic pluralities, of mixed origin people, of those who are disordered and nondisordered, trying to find where I fit in. Though I've loved listening, even as fraught and divided as the community is, nothing I have seen so far matches up quite right with our own experiences of Plurality for us to be able to say, "That's it, that's us!" Our disability often sets us apart in spaces, and it may do so here. Cerebral Palsy changes the brain, it has to map itself differently. It wouldn't surprise me if that opened up new ways to be.

Where do I stand on Syscourse?

We will never be intentionally ableist towards any disordered or traumagenic pluralities. We support them wholeheartedly. We will also strive not to exclude mixed origin or endogenic pluralities or other ways of being plural. We support fictives and factives. We will not be using clinical terms to describe our experiences as we don't currently seek clinical diagnosis of our plurality and don't wish to appropriate anything that doesn't belong to us.

What did I think of Moon Knight?

Ohoho, hoo boy, do I have Thoughts! This went from being the most intimate and beloved hyperfixation (we're adhd) I've ever had to damaging and hurting us (and Me especially!) in episode 5 more than anything ever has. I am ashamed of the writers and wish my goal of becoming a television showrunner was already met so that I could sit down with them and talk peer to peer. I still love the characters, remain a huge fan of Oscar Isaac, and would like to continue watching the show and immersing myself in being a fan of it for as long as it still brings me happiness. SPOILERS AHEAD: Singlets in the fandom please listen to the plural people around you, be conscious of the pain that ep 5 brought me and others like me, and please, for the love of all that is sweet and kind in this world, please stop giffing, reblogging, and showcasing the part where Steven freaks out over his autonomy. Please stop talking about Marc being the only "real" person in his system. This is untrue and harmful. You are making the tags of a show where a lot of us felt seen an unsafe and hostile place for us to be. Please don't do that. I am begging you. There are so many shows with singlet protagonists. Most media depicts us horribly. Let us dictate what the conversation should be in one of the only shows we have ever had that treated us right. I care about your opinions and feelings, I am genuinely excited to know what you think, and I love that you love this show too, so let's find a way to love this together without hurting each other. Thank you.

Does anyone want to introduce themselves?

At this time people are shy, we've spent so long without anyone knowing about us. I'll introduce myself and leave it there for now, but stay tuned for any future intros we might give.

Hi! I'm Felix Midnight. I'm somewhere in my 20s. I'm usually in front unless otherwise specified. My pronouns are he/him/his and they/them/theirs. I'm a femme nonbinary trans man, I’m a goth I’m a geek of many.kinds, a writer and a game dev. I love Interactive Fiction games and I have a studio of my own called MidnightHopeGames. To date all of the games there are mine, but I hope in the future that some of the others may want to make some too. I'd love to be a romance author (despite the fact that I'm arospec I'm a romance positive romance nerd and besides, fiction is awesome) and my ultimate goal is to be a television showrunner. But for now IF is my stage. I love shows like Moon Knight, Legends of Tomorrow, and some seasons of The Flash, but I also love shows like Station 19, Sailor Moon, and Moonlight (2007). I love socializing, and cats and socializing with cats. I am happily spoken for by a giant nerd of a singlet guy who is go to space level smart. Hmm... What else, what else... I think artists/writers/creators, are some of the coolest and bravest people on the planet! Especially IF authors and reader insert fic authors, who are two very different but equally badass communities and I am in awe of every single one of you. I cannot believe the quality and care and time you invest in your work and that we are lucky enough you choose to share it with us. Thank you so much. I support you. Actors, queer people, trans people, BIPOC, disabled people, and ND people, I adore you. Pluralities and systems, you're the coolest! Medical professionals that aren't ableist, you are the backbone of this place. Everybody else, keep being cool. I hope you have things that make life bright and I hope I get to talk with you someday. Thank you all for reading this!

What can you tell us about the body?

31 going on 32, BIPOC, Happa, disabled, neurodivergent, queer (yes, all of us), and objectively hot if you ask me (but I'm biased because it's the one I've got). We would like top surgery someday.

Why now?

Moon Knight has brought plurality into mainstream awareness in a way that is for once not entirely harmful. I've never really felt comfortable being closeted in any way. We held off because we have very clear goals for a future in the public eye creating content and we were afraid that being visibly plural would put those goals at risk. We recently decided to come out as publicly trans and nonbinary and after we saw Moon Knight we have been debating whether closets are actually helping us or hindering us when it comes to plurality. After a lot of back and forth and conversations with the aware singlets most close to us, we have decided that, as creators we want to showcase the world we want to see, and that we would very much like to Be in that world. Not in 10 or 15 or 20 years when the dream of being known as entertainers becomes a reality and we feel like we'd have a platform to come out and make a difference, but now where we can benefit from the very things we're trying to create ourselves. We'd like a chance to be happy, and known, just as we are. so, this is us. Hello. Nice to meet you!

[hearts-hunger]

aay’han mar’eyce (bittersweet discovery): chapter two || din djarin x reader

Read on AO3 || Masterlist

chapter one

Series Summary: In search of the Jedi you’ve been tasked to find, you and Din wrestle with the bittersweet discovery of your little one’s past and destined future. || Part Three of Jate’kara (Lucky Stars)

Chapter Summary: A forest planet with no forests, a Magistrate with the city pinned under her thumb, and a commission to kill the Jedi you were looking for. Yep, sounds about right for you and Din.

Pairings: Din Djarin x Wife!Reader

Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Angst | Word Count: 4.3k

Warnings: Mentions of canon-typical violence

A/N: In my humble opinion, this chapter is light years better than the first one. Basically Din being a big strong gentle protective husband, love that for him. I hope you like it! ♡

The walls of the city were every bit as bleak as the landscape they jutted up from. Dirty grey stone was topped by a bell tower and a pair of soldiers, their breather masks dark with a thin, horizontal visor. They turned to each other as you approached from the edge of the forest, and their conversation was clipped and modulated through their vocoders.

“What do you think, cyar’ika?” Din asked, his voice low. “Should I start wearing a mask like that?”

You looked up at him, confused by the question. “No. I like your mask the way it is.”

He gave a soft chuckle. “I know,” he said. “I was kidding.”

“Oh,” you said, feeling a little sheepish. He’d been trying to ease your obvious tension with a little humor, and it had gone straight over your head.

He gently nudged his shoulder against yours. “Take a deep breath, cyare,” he said kindly. “We have nothing to hide.”

Nothing except a ship that was flagged by New Republic records, a stolen asset of the Imperial warlords, and the man who was wanted for both transgressions. You couldn’t help a wry smile and knew he was smiling back at you under the helm.

As you approached the gate, a third, maskless soldier appeared to stand in front of the wide, oddly-shaped bell that topped the tower. He peered down at you through the gloom and took in your small party as you came to a stop.

“State your business,” he called down.

Din kept his posture intentionally relaxed. “Been tracking for a few days,” he said. “Looking for a layover.”

The soldier raised a brow. “Nice armor.”

You husband didn’t offer a comment, though you weren’t sure what the soldier had been expecting in response. The soldier looked from Din to you, and then to the baby in your arms.

“You a hunter, then?” he asked. You heard the suspicion in his tone; bounty hunters, especially Mandalorians, were usually lone wolves. To travel in such vulnerable company was unheard of for someone who made their living in violence. 

Din wasn’t shaken; he didn’t owe anyone an explanation. “That’s right.”

“Guild?”

You schooled your expression and fought the temptation to cast a nervous glance at your husband. Though he wasn’t wanted by the Guild any more, thanks to Greef, Din still hadn’t been reinstated. Thankfully he was a much better liar than you were, by virtue of his helmet and extensive practice, and kept his tone neutral. 

“Last I checked,” he said. Hopefully this soldier wouldn’t feel the need to make sure.

One of the masked soldiers said something, and the soldier you’d been speaking to gave the order to open the gate. You released a breath you hadn’t realized you’d been holding - it had been a long time since you'd accompanied Din on a hunt, and you had never been as good as he was at keeping your nerves in check. He briefly took your hand in his own and gave it a quick, comforting squeeze.

The city was no more welcoming than the scorched forest, and you stayed close by your husband’s side as he led you through the thoroughfare. He stood tall and walked with intention, and you were better able to calm the unease that plagued you as you drew strength from his confidence and composure. Though he’d been nervous before, you knew he was in his element now; he’d honed his ability to bluff and intimidate for years, until it had become second nature. You caught curious and even hostile looks from citizens and soldiers alike, but no one approached you; a broad-shouldered Mandalorian clad head to toe in beskar was a strong deterrent to anyone looking for trouble.

If the state of the city was any indication, it seemed as though Calodan had trouble in spades. Masked soldiers marched through the city, boots tramping over broken cobblestones as they led people away from the main road. Anyone not accompanied by soldiers moved with caution and haste, looking over their shoulders and rushing indoors like something was after them. No one spoke - no friendly greetings were exchanged, no children played in the street. Broken-down droids wandered aimlessly with rusty joints and damaged vocabulators.

It seemed like an oppressive, desolate, dangerous place to live. If this is where Ahsoka Tano made her home, you would rather break your vow to the Armorer than leave your baby with her. You wouldn’t leave him here. You couldn’t.

Din went up the only vendor on the street, a silver-haired old woman who watched him with a wary gaze.

“Pardon me, vendor, have you heard of anyone - ”

She turned and ducked inside without a word, and Din cut himself off with a sigh. Your baby gave a little babble and reached out after her.

“Shh, my darling,” you said gently, offering your finger for him to hold. He wrapped his claws around it and gave you a questioning look.

You bit your lip. He wasn’t being naughty; he wasn’t even being loud, really. But he always drew attention anyway, and his curious little coos would only attract more unwanted gazes. You pressed a soft kiss to his head and he was content to snuggle close to you again, but not before you realized he had attracted the attention of two younglings in an alley a few paces away. An older man knelt in front of them; they looked at your baby with wide eyes.

Din took a step towards the man. “You there,” he said easily. “I need some information. I’m looking for someone.”

The man ushered the children away and straightened. 

“Please, do not speak to them,” he said firmly. “Or to any of us.”

You couldn't think why - surely they wouldn’t get in trouble for merely talking to you, and Din had shown no indication that he was looking for a fight.

Din sighed. “Look, I just need to know - ”

“The Magistrate wants to see you.”

You jumped at the warped, metallic voice so close behind you; you grabbed Din’s arm in panic and pulled yourself closer to him, pressing the baby safely between you. Din turned slowly, glancing at you to make sure you were alright before he turned his gaze to the masked soldiers that flanked you. Your hand trembled where it gripped the fabric of his flight suit; he briefly put his hand over yours and didn’t attempt to pry your fingers loose.

“It’s alright, cyare,” he said, softly enough that his modulator caught a little. You slowly let him go even though you wanted nothing more than to hold on tighter.

The soldiers waited for you to comply but seemed unwilling to act with any force if unprovoked. You guessed their presence alone must be enough to prompt obedience on the part of the townspeople, and wondered if anyone dared to question the bidding of the Magistrate. Your husband didn’t seem of any mind to, and he guided you back into the center of the street with a light touch on your back. 

You tried to get your heart to stop beating so wildly in your chest. Din wouldn’t let anything happen to you, you knew. The soldiers accompanied you down the remainder of the street until it stopped at another gate; prisoners were strung up in shock cages on either side, groaning and pleading for help as currents of white-hot electricity jolted through them.

So that was what happened to anyone who questioned the bidding of the Magistrate. You shielded your little one from seeing the gruesome display and avoided looking at it yourself, fervently trying not to think about how your family might meet a similar fate after your meeting. Your baby burrowed closer against your chest as you followed Din through the gate.

The doors behind you closed and left you in a holding area of sorts, and you felt a brief thrill of claustrophobia before the second set of doors parted to reveal a beautiful courtyard. The difference between it and the rest of the city was jarring: lush trees framed twin pools on either side of the walkway, and a woman in long robes gazed into the water as it lapped up against the stone.

“Come forward.” Her voice was calm, commanding. You and Din complied, watching as she kept her attention on the water.

“You are a Mandalorian?” she asked. She sprinkled something from a little golden bowl into the water, and the surface shimmered with ripples as something moved below.

“Yes,” Din said. You were thankful, despite everything, at how quickly his voice soothed you even when he wasn’t speaking to you. You concentrated on the feel of him beside you - steady, calm, solid. Like he’d reminded you to at the front gate, you took a deep breath.

The Magistrate didn't turn from the water. “I have a proposition that may interest you.”

You felt a your tension ease, but not by much. You may not have been called to a private audience to be imprisoned in a shock cage or sent out of the city, but the thought of making a deal with her still made you wary.

Din considered her. “My price is high,” he warned.

She looked up at you then, moving to the center of the walkway; she circled like a tusk-cat for a moment, sizing you up.

“This target is priceless,” she said finally. “A Jedi plagues me. I want you to kill her.”

Ahsoka Tano was battling with the Magistrate of the city? She was obviously powerful, if the soldiers had done so poor a job of dealing with her that the Magistrate was looking to enlist a bounty hunter’s help. But as skilled as Din was, he’d never fought a Jedi - you had been hoping he wouldn’t have to.

The magistrate looked at you, eyeing you and your baby with interest. You wanted to step behind Din and hide, but made yourself stay still.

“That’s a difficult task,” Din told her. 

She didn’t seem troubled. “One that you are well suited for,” she said. “The Jedi are the ancient enemy of Mandalore.”

Another reminder of the seemingly endless list of reasons why this whole venture was a bad idea - Jedi seemed to make enemies wherever they went. Though you supposed standing up to this Magistrate who kept her citizens in poverty and oppression indicated a moral code in the Jedi you were seeking, it still didn’t seem any way of life for one as little as your son.

If the Magistrate had expected to get a rise out of your husband with that comment, she was disappointed. “As I said, my price is high.”

She beckoned to the droid behind her, a guard who wielded a silver spear. You stiffened, and Din moved himself in front of you ever so slightly as she took the spear and slowly approached you.

“What do you make of this?” she asked. She offered the spear to your husband, and he cautiously moved to take it from her. You stayed where you were, your pulse thrumming a wary beat.

Din studied the spear, looking up its length and turning it over in his hands. Unlike the rest of the metal in the city, it caught the weak sunlight easily and shone like your husband’s armor. It looked at home in his hands; you knew it would be an impressive weapon if he were to use it. He raised his arm and brought the side of the spear down on his vambrace; it gave a clear, ringing tone at the contact like that of a temple bell.

“Beskar,” Din said. A weapon of that strength would be valuable to anyone, but its significance ran deeper to a Mandalorian. You wondered how he felt at the Magistrate owning something that rightfully belonged to his people, about her using it as leverage to get him to kill for her.

The Magistrate was no stranger to its significance. “Pure beskar,” she agreed. “Like your armor. Kill the Jedi, and it’s yours.”

Din handed the spear back to her. “Where do I find this Jedi?”

The Magistrate gave a self-satisfied smile, clearly thinking she had won him over to do her bidding.

“Last my scouts reported, she was deep in the forest southwest of the city,” she said. She looked over his shoulder at you. “Are you planning to take the girl and the little one with you?”

Was she suggesting he leave you here? You knew better than anyone that would only happen over your husband’s dead body.

Din held the Magistrate’s gaze.“Wherever I go, they go.”

She raised a brow. “Strange, for a Mandalorian to be attached to something so... fragile.”

You wished you felt braver under the scrutiny of her gaze and the sharpness of her observation. It was a sentiment you’d heard countless times since you and Din had started courting, and though you’d learned not to let it bother you as much, you still couldn’t ignore the truth of it. Mandalorians ran with other Mandalorians, not younglings and nervous things like you who had to be reminded to breathe. Din had never intentionally done anything to make you feel weak or less than - in fact, he did everything he could to teach you your own strength and bravery - but you knew it was a rare thing to find someone as good and kind as he was. 

Meeting the Magistrate’s gaze, you raised your chin, trying to muster some defiance; she gave you a small, derisive smile in return.

“My chief officer will lead you out of the city and give you the Jedi’s last known coordinates” she said to Din. “Come back when you have killed her, and I shall uphold my end of the bargain.”

The doors behind you groaned open, and it was only then that Din came back to you. You knew he was aware of every potential threat and prepared to protect you from them, but you still felt uneasy with your back to the Magistrate. He steadied you with a gentle touch to your arm, and your baby cooed up at his father as you returned through the gate.

The soldier who’d questioned you earlier was waiting for you; Din spoke to him briefly, getting the coordinates as promised, and put himself between you and the gaunt officer as you walked back to the front gate. Fog threaded through the jagged treeline and curled over the charred ground, and the greenish sun was sinking lower.

You baby gave a little babble, drawing the officer’s dubious gaze. You gave the officer a challenging look, daring him to say something - it was easier to do with Din between you than it would have been otherwise.

“What is that thing?” the officer finally asked.

You glared at him. Who did he think he was? Thing, indeed. You’d like to give him a piece of your mind. But before you could retort with a healthy dose of mama-bear indignation, Din stepped in.

“We keep it around for luck,” he said, with what you were sure was a withering look under the helmet.

The officer sized him up. “You’re gonna need it where you’re headed.”

Din didn’t offer a response. He put his hand on the small of your back and led you away from the city, towards the southwest; the baby looked over your shoulder and gave the officer a parting coo, social as always. Despite your nerves, you couldn’t help a small smile and nuzzled a kiss against your baby’s cheek. His soft giggle was comforting as the forest became denser, and you held onto the precious sound as you pressed closer to Din’s side.

“Your daddy says we only keep you around for luck,” you told your baby.

Din looked down at your little one and gently tapped his nose. “Maybe if your mama wouldn’t go picking a fight with the chief officer, I wouldn’t have to.”

You huffed. “I wasn’t the one picking a fight. He called our son a ‘thing’, Din. A thing.”

He gave an amused hum. “I know. But I didn’t want to have to explain to the Magistrate why her chief officer was beaten to death by your tiny fists.”

You gave a wry smile. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” You held your hand up in front of you and made a fist.

“They’re not that tiny.”

He took your hand in his, gently turning it this way and that in mock-seriousness until you laughed.

“Alright, fine,” you said. “They are tiny. Especially compared to yours.”

He chuckled and raised your knuckles to the bottom of his visor in a light kiss; you gave him a bashful smile back.

You walked the next few minutes in companionable silence, Din helping you through the obstacles the broken trees presented when you needed it. The forest wasn’t nice, by any estimation, but it was a good deal less stressful than the city had been. The baby could babble as much as he liked, and you were free to peruse your thoughts on how your situation had changed.

You hadn’t really known what to expect, but nothing that had happened so far seemed an indication that leaving your baby with Ahsoka Tano was a good idea. A forest planet with no forests, a Magistrate with the city pinned under her thumb, a commission to kill the Jedi you were looking for. Maybe you’d naively thought the Jedi would be a peaceful sort, that you’d be comfortable leaving your little one with someone kind who lived on a nice planet where he would be happy while he trained.

He cooed back at the deep lowing of some huge animal, and you hugged him close. No - even if everything had gone exactly as you wanted it to, you wouldn’t be comfortable leaving him. Just the thought of it made your whole body ache with grief. He was your baby, even if he was technically older than both you and Din. What sort of mother gave up her child like that, to a perfect stranger?

You didn’t realize how tensely you’d curled in on yourself, how closely you held your baby like someone would snatch him away at any moment; he gave a little babble of protest, and you tried to relax. You kissed his head. 

“Sorry, ad’ika,” you said quietly.

Din looked over at you. “You alright?” You knew from his tone he meant more than just physically, and you worried your bottom lip.

“You’re not going to kill her, are you?”

He held a low-hanging branch out of your way. “No, I’m not,” he said. “Even if I wasn’t looking for her, it wouldn’t be a noble kill. I don’t work for tyrants.”

You looked up at him. He was focused on making sure you were headed in the right direction, but you knew he would listen if you had more to say.

“How do you think the Magistrate got that spear?” you asked.

He shrugged. “I don't know. Maybe she had it made out of imperial beskar, or it might be an old Mandalorian weapon that fell into her hands somehow.”

You frowned. He didn’t seem that concerned about it, but you’d seen your husband willing to shoot first and ask questions later when it came to stolen Mandalorian armor. He’d nearly had a shootout with Cobb over it, and you didn’t understand his apathy towards the beskar spear.

“You don’t want it?” you pressed. 

He looked over at you. “Do you? Even if we have to pay for it in blood?”

You flinched. He’d said “we”, but you both knew he’d be the one with blood on his hands, and he’d had enough of that already to know what it cost. Stolen armor meant a dead Mandalorian - or worse, dar’manda,  someone who had willingly given up the Way. To bring it back where it rightfully belonged was a matter of the Mandalorian soul. A beskar spear was, in the end, just a spear; he’d get more than he bargained for, working for someone like the Magistrate for a mere weapon, and you both knew it.

You turned your head and didn’t look at him. “Sorry.”

He sighed. “No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I know that’s not what you meant.”

Neither of you said anything for a moment, this silence more tense than the last; without having to be asked, he offered you his hand to help you over a fallen tree in your path. You held his hand tighter than you really needed to, feeling a wave of relief and a little embarrassment when he kept his hand in yours even when you were safely on the other side.

“I really am sorry, Din,” you said quietly. “I didn’t mean to question your decision. I know you wouldn’t do something like that. Of course the spear isn’t worth it.”

He shook his head. "You don't have to apologize. I knew that wasn’t what you were saying, and I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that. Please forgive me.”

You took your hand from his, and his body language showed surprise only for a moment before you put your arm around his waist and pressed close to him. He relaxed and drew you close; he ran a soothing hand over your back, resting his helm against your head.

“I don’t like any of this,” you said, your voice muffled against his chest. Both of you were wound pretty tightly, and you hoped it wouldn't cause any more spats. Your baby reached out for his dad and Din offered him a finger to hold onto. 

Din sighed. “I know. I don’t like it either. But we’re already here - we might as well find her and see what she has to say.”

He ran his thumb over the baby’s hand. “She might not even want to train him. He’s still so little.”

Your baby cooed and cocked his head, and the mannerism reminded you so much of Din that you felt a rush of tears you couldn’t prepare for. You leaned further into Din’s steadiness and took a wobbly breath.

“Promise me we won’t - ” Your voice hitched. You looked up at him. “Promise me we won’t leave him with her if it’s not safe. If she’s not - kind to him. I can’t leave him with someone who doesn’t - ”

You stopped yourself before you said what you meant, someone who doesn’t love him. To leave him with someone who loved him was too much to hope for, even in the best of circumstances. You’d have to let him go at some point, you knew, but you almost couldn’t bear it and certainly refused to if he wasn’t going to be safe and happy.

Your husband rested his helm against your forehead. “I promise, cyar'ika.” You knew how much he meant it, and felt some of the tension bleed out of you as you stayed safely in his arms.

 You walked for a long time before you neared the coordinates the officer had given you, winding through the remains of what must have been a beautiful forest before it was destroyed. The city must have gotten some material use out of stripping the landscape bare, but it wouldn’t have surprised you if the Magistrate had ordered it just for the sake of inflicting further destruction. It stretched on for miles, this barren wasteland, and the skeletal remains were so tangled together that it was often difficult to get through.

You ducked under a heavy, fallen trunk, minding your head carefully - though you hadn’t been hurt yet, your usually composed husband had endured a comical amount of aggravations during your hike. His cloak snagged on every little thing, he’d smacked his helmet stepping under a fallen tree, and he’d tripped so dramatically over a hidden root that you’d had to hold onto him for support as you doubled over in deep, hearty laughter. He’d grumbled good-naturedly as he let you lean on his arm, and eventually he'd started laughing too. It worked wonders to ease your tension and fatigue, and your baby had giggled with you, delighted to see his parents so amused.

Now, though, Din’s posture had straightened a little more as the tracker on his vambrace gave a chime. He pulled the strap of his Amban rife over his head and held the weapon in a relaxed but ready position.

“Well, these are the coordinates,” he told you, walking forward as he scanned the area. “Keep your eyes open. We must be close.”

He tapped the side of his helmet to activate his HUD; you looked around, unsure if you’d be able to spot anything that was trying to hide with the sun sinking low and the fog creeping in.

A far-off sound, like a tree being snapped in two, made you jump; an unfriendly animal screech followed, and you closed the small distance between you and your husband.

“You hear that?” he asked.

You nodded, grabbing his arm just below his pauldron. He gave your hand a distracted pat, trying to comfort you and stay aware of your surroundings at the same time.

“Don’t worry,” he said. He nodded to a boulder lodged in a mass of tree roots to your right. “Stay right here. Let me see what’s out there.”

You did as he said, cradling your baby close and worrying your bottom lip as Din took the sight off his rifle. He used it to scan the mass of scraggly trees ahead; you looked that way too, though you didn't hope to see anything he wouldn’t.

His gaze snagged on something, and he relaxed. “False alarm,” he said. “It’s just - ”

A bright, loud hiss came from behind you; for a second, all you could make out was a brilliant white light. Moving on instinct, you shielded your baby with your body, the unmistakable sound of weapons hitting beskar ringing in your ears.

Read chapter three!

pedro pascal character taglist: @punkgeekchic​, @tv-saved-the-teenage-girl​, @stardust-galaxies, @theorganasolo​, @qhbr2013​ ♡

series taglist: @kyjoraven​, @sarahjkl82-blog​, @remmysbounty​, @bitchin-beskar​, @cosmicbreathe​, @prettyboyskywalker​, @happyxdayxbitch​, @radiowallet​​ ♡

let me know if you’d like to be added to either taglist! ♡

[makeste]

this is pretty random and you don't need to answer it, haha, but could you share your personal hcs regarding platonic todobaku with me??? 🥺🥺🥺 i'm in need, LOL, and your takes on characterization and relationships on bnha are always so spot on, so... i hope you're having a good day/night!!!!!!!💖💖💖

thank you so much! sorry it took a while to gather all of these; my TodoBaku headcanons weren’t as immediately forthcoming as my general Baku headcanons were. but here goes. the first half of these ended up being more just my general thoughts about their relationship than actual headcanons, but I eventually steered myself back on track.

first of all, this is important to note: when Katsuki says in ch. 241 that “there’s no correlation between time spent [together] and friendship”, it’s not purely out of denial. this is something he genuinely believes, having learned it the hard way growing up. for someone who seemingly led a pretty charmed life for most of his childhood, Katsuki hasn’t actually had a particularly sunshiny experience when it comes to his friendships. all of his closest childhood friends eventually left him (Tsubasa), turned on him (Deku -- from his perspective lol. obviously this wasn’t actually the case at all, but it’s how he interpreted it, and it definitely had a big impact on him emotionally), or abandoned him (that long-fingered kid, who notably fled and never looked back when the sludge monster tried to eat Katsuki back in chapter one. like, thanks for nothing, my dude).

so it’s not surprising that all of these experiences would have a profound impact on Katsuki’s ability to trust other people and accept them as real, genuine friends. in its own way his childhood was almost as isolating as Deku and Shouto’s. it’s only since coming to U.A. that he’s started to make real friends again for the first time since kindergarten. and even then, in the case of Kirishima and Kaminari and Sero, even though I think he does consider them friends, he still isn’t very open with them. because he’s learned the hard way that that can lead to hurt, and I think he’s very hesitant to ever let himself be vulnerable to that again.

but having said all that, Shouto is still absolutely correct when he says that they’re friends. and the thing is Katsuki knows it too, but he’s just reluctant to admit it. partly because the part of his brain that processes everything as rivalry isn’t sure whether Being Friends With Shouto = Losing To Shouto (IS THIS A TRAP??), and partly because of everything else I just explained above. even though by this point he knows Shouto pretty well, well enough to be reasonably sure he’s not just gonna be another fakeass groupie who turns tail at the first sign of trouble, there’s still a part of him that’s hesitant to admit that connection is there, because doing so opens him up to potentially being hurt again at some point. goddammit. why is this shit so complicated.

meanwhile on Shouto’s side of things, this poor lil bubba never had any friends growing up to begin with, so he’s not nearly as paranoid or prickly as Katsuki is. instead, he’s still discovering for himself just what friendship is all about. the interesting thing about Shouto is that since he never had any childhood friendships, in a way, the friendships that he’s making now at U.A. are his childhood friendships. and so they tend to be straightforward and uncomplicated in much the same way that very young children’s friendships are uncomplicated. “I like this person; I am going to make them my friend.” boom. done. friendship is mad easy yo.

and he does like Katsuki! sure, his personality is a bit unconventional, but there’s a lot to admire about him even so, and they actually have a lot in common! they’re both rather introverted. they’re both very serious, and I think this is something that Shouto particularly appreciates, because jokes and idioms and playful insincerity sometimes fly over his head just because he doesn’t have a lot of experience dealing with other people. but Katsuki NEVER jokes around, and he is never insincere. he says what he means, with the exception of insults, which are 90% more bark than bite. and so once Shouto figured that out, it became very easy to figure out how to interact with him. aside from that, they’re both close with Shouto’s Other Best Friend Midoriya, they both have incendiary quirks, and they both tend towards the quiet side (yes, even Katsuki) with the occasional burst of hotheadedness (maybe a bit more than “occasional” when it comes to Katsuki’s end).

and like I said, there’s a lot that Shouto admires about Katsuki as well. he really respects how determined Katsuki is, because he himself lacked any sort of clear goals for quite a while growing up. all he knew was that he didn’t want to end up being like his dad. but Katsuki is someone who has always known what he wants, and he goes after it with a singlemindedness that Shouto is almost envious of. he’s also very intelligent and quick-thinking, and Shouto knows he can rely on him in a tight spot. he’s also honest, and surprisingly principled, and while he’s definitely not the nicest guy around, I think Shouto can recognize to some degree those same types of walls that he once spent so much time building up around himself. and so he knows that to a certain extent, Katsuki’s hostility is just a front. and I think he’s both intrigued by that, and drawn to it. because every so often when Katsuki’s guard does drop and his better self briefly shines through, Shouto can see that he’s someone worth getting to know.

anyways, but enough of my rambling about their relationship, and on to the actual headcanons. first of all, I firmly believe in my heart of hearts that at some point during all of those mentally and physically taxing weekends spent training for their provisional exam, they have each fallen asleep on the other’s shoulder during the ride home. Katsuki was actually the first to do it, and it was only for a couple of minutes, but when he woke up he was absolutely mortified. but much to his relief, Shouto never said another word about it. (and if Shouto still remembers the warm, cozy feeling in his chest during those few brief minutes when Katsuki was dead to the world, with his face smoothed out and completely trusting and his breathing strangely in rhythm with the movement of the car, and if doing so brings him a sense of calm that’s hard to describe, well then, that’s no one’s business but his own.)

anyway, so because life is Just Like That, eventually of course the reverse happened. and with anyone else, Katsuki would have violently shoved them aside without a second thought, and he was almost gonna do the same here, but then he remembered he owed him (because he really did keep his mouth shut about the earlier incident, thank fuck), and so he didn’t. for almost two whole minutes, anyway. whatever. that’s more than generous, really. meanwhile no one else knows about this except for Aizawa, who was chaperoning them that day, and took mild notice at first on account of it being unusual behavior on Katsuki’s part, but then immediately forgot about it afterwards. he was proud of them both for upping their napping game, though. he respects naps.

both Shouto and Katsuki were actually scared shitless during the test of courage at the forest training camp, and if Katsuki hadn’t been kidnapped and everything had instead gone on as normal, they would have both had trouble getting to sleep that night. Katsuki actually can’t stand scary movies or ghost stories (fyi this is canon according to the third light novel, and EXCUSE HIM FOR HAVING A HEALTHY RESPECT FOR THE SUPERNATURAL. you wanna go and get your own dumb ass cursed or dragged to hell or whatever, BE HIS GUEST). whereas Shouto has next to no experience with them and doesn’t really see what’s so scary about ghosts because GHOSTS AREN’T REAL DUH, but even he feels a little unsettled when an undead swamp girl suddenly rises from the depths and crabwalks towards them in the middle of the woods.

Katsuki has on rare occasions been so drained by provisional lessons that he goes into autopilot and forgets to pretend not to be friends with Shouto, which can result in them having completely normal conversations for minutes at a time before he eventually regains enough of his senses to realize he’s fraternizing with the enemy. this is how Shouto learned about things like Katsuki’s favorite foods, and his love of hiking. the latter is actually one subject that Katsuki can go on and on about if you get him started, and Shouto very much enjoys hearing about it and never tries to stop him.

by contrast, Katsuki never intentionally seeks to gain any new knowledge about Shouto because he feels like he already knows way more than he ever wanted to. however, this doesn’t stop him from absorbing knowledge against his will by simple osmosis, and then discovering to his dismay that he’s retained the information afterward. this is why he also knows Shouto’s favorite food in return (although to be fair, I think everyone in Japan knows Shouto’s favorite food), as well as other tidbits like the fact that he likes strawberry-flavored things (because he always gets the same brand of strawberry milk from the vending machine during their lunch breaks). he hates himself a little for both noticing and remembering these stupid little details, and would rather be kidnapped again than ever admit to Shouto that he does.

Katsuki thinks of Shouto as “Todoroki” in his head rather than “IcyHot” or “Half n’ Half”, and has to make a conscious effort to use the nicknames whenever he addresses him out loud. more and more often he finds himself forgetting to do so nowadays, much to his dismay. Shouto was pleasantly surprised the first few times it happened, but quickly stopped taking notice of it, as he’s come to realize that the way Katsuki addresses people carries very little meaning regardless, since something like 75% of his actual feelings are conveyed through his actions rather than his words.

Katsuki does wish that Shouto had had the decency to choose his surname as his hero alias rather than his given name, though. he lives in fear that one of these days he’ll be required to call him “Shouto” while on duty. number one hero or not, there’s a good chance he would resign from his internship at the Endeavor Hero Agency before he ever willingly agreed to that.

and last but not least, the number one thing that Katsuki would rather jump in a freezing lake than admit to Shouto or even himself is that he actually cares about him too. and has even mostly forgiven him for wussing out at the last minute during the sports festival. he still doesn’t fully understand why he did it, but he gets that Shouto was Going Through Some Stuff, and okay yeah, he can admit that his family situation is pretty fucked up, so whatever. there’s an uncomfortable feeling he gets whenever he’s reminded of this; sort of a weird, squirmy feeling in the pit of his stomach whenever the subject of Endeavor comes up, or whenever he sees Shouto talking to the man himself. it makes him feel restless and on edge, and he never knows what to say or do afterwards, especially if Shouto goes all quiet and sullen and reflective. he wants to scream at him, or slap him on the back of the head, or grab him by the shoulders and shake him; whatever it takes to snap him out of it and ease the tension. but he knows that’s not the right way to handle it. and more to the point, he knows that he’s not the right person to handle it. and sometimes, if he’s not quick enough to squash the feeling when he senses it coming, he wonders how Shouto would react if he ever found out what Katsuki used to be like back in elementary and middle school. and he wonders whether Shouto would still be so dead-set insistent on calling them friends. and then he does squash out the thought, as viciously as he possibly can.

anyway so that turned weirdly angsty towards the end whoops. not even sure what happened there, since this is supposed to be my cute and funny ship, while BakuDeku greedily hogs all the angst for itself! lol my bad. but don’t worry, they still love each other, and Shouto is still fond and soft and equipped with bullshit-radar, and Katsuki is still rabid and in denial and a dumbass.

[inmyownlaine]

John Murphy Tooth Rotting Fluff *Requested*

GIF// MOOD MUSIC 1// MOOD MUSIC 2

Warnings: A little cussing, slow burn fluff (so take that as you will)

Word Count: 1911

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“You’re not allowed to be here,” you told Murphy in a sing-song voice.

“Okay, come on. You’re not even facing me. How could you possibly know I walked in?”

You shrugged your shoulders, placing a vial of medicine on the shelf. You picked up the clipboard and made a tally mark by the name of the serum. Inventory was the least exciting part of your job. Therefore, having frequent breaks to talk to Murphy was a must. He was the only thing keeping you sane.

“Probably because you breathe like a wild boar.”

“I’m not that loud,” he protested. You chuckled as he intentionally made his voice much quieter than it usually was. “What are you doing here, anyway? Isn’t it past your bedtime?”

“It’s like- eight o’clock, Murphy. I’m not seventy years old,” you replied sarcastically. “And besides, Abby asked me to do this.”

“You want to know what I think about that?” You couldn’t help but roll your eyes as you placed another tally mark by the same serum. You turned around to meet Murphy; one hand placed on your hip, the other still holding the clipboard.

“Please, oh wise one. Grace me with your wisdom.”

Murphy smirked at this, raising one eyebrow before speaking. He stepped closer to you, his lips inches from your ear. Murphy wasn’t usually one to be quiet, so you figured this had to be good.

“Abby can go fuck herself.”

“John!” you exclaimed, pushing his chest in order to get him away. He had said a lot of controversial things, but this by far was one of the worst. Abby dedicated her life to saving people and taking care of them. How could he be so hostile to someone who genuinely wanted to make a difference on the Ground?

“What? If she wants this done so badly she can do it herself. I don’t see her in here working overtime.”

“That’s because she’s been answering emergency calls! You know? The actual life-saving part. She doesn’t have time to mess around with the inventory.”

“Every job is important, Y/N. Doesn’t matter how small you think it is,” he pointed out. You nodded your head slowly, having to agree with him. Without the inventory count, Abby wouldn’t know how many people she could save, what she needed to use sparingly, and what she needed to request. Every second that goes by in a threatening situation matters. Not having the medication when needed could be the difference between another day or the end of one.

Murphy strutted towards Abby’s desk, being particularly light on the balls of his feet. He swung his arms around haphazardly, exuding confidence about an action so menial. You let him behave this way. You knew the man inside of that body was not nearly as self assured as he led others to believe.

He grabbed a sheet of paper and a pen and made his way back to you. You gave him a questioning look, squinting your eyes as you noticed he had picked up an inventory sheet. “If I’m going to be here I might as well be useful.”

You mentally agreed with him and went back to work. With the two of you combined, you finished the job in double the time. You were extremely grateful for this and for Murphy’s selflessness. It was one of his best traits that was often overlooked. He took care of the people he loved, almost to a fault. You knew you could depend on him for anything.

When you counted the last bit of inventory for Abby, you took the sheets and placed them back on her desk. Murphy waited for you by the door, curling his lips inward and making popping noises. 

“Are you trying to tell me something?” you teased, heading his way.

“Yeah. Put the papers down and let’s go.”

“Alright, alright! No more work for tonight, I promise. No papers, no talk, no nothing. Just you and me.”

“Just what I wanted to hear,” he said as the two of you headed towards the bonfire.

“By the way,” you started, “I appreciate you walking me back to my room, but maybe we should...Not do that.”

“Why?” he asked, tilting his head to the side.

“Well, it’s just- when you come over- my mom asks about you. Every time.” You couldn’t bear to get the words out. Having to have this conversation with your mother was embarrassing enough. Now you had to relay it back to your ex-boyfriend.

“Of course she did. I’m a ray of sunshine.”

“You’re a real pain in the ass,” you corrected, not letting his sarcastic comment go by unnoticed. Murphy snickered at this and ran his fingers through his hair, fluffing it up and letting it fall into an unmanageable mop. He was still a straight ten with every piece of hair sticking out a different way.

“What did you tell her?”

“I don’t know,” you responded shyly. “I guess I just said that we’re trying to work things out. Make sure that we’re going the right way. Trying not to fall back into old habits.”

“And what did she say?” he said, pressing for more information.

“A lot of things. Mainly that she misses you. And she misses who I was with you. Something about me being sad and stuff. I don’t know,” you repeated, your vocabulary shrinking by the second. This is why you hated being nervous.

“Why did we break up?” Murphy eventually asked after a beat of silence. The question almost stopped you dead in your tracks. Ever since you and Murphy decided to patch things up, you hadn’t come to terms with the falling out. You focused more on the future and growing as a couple. You both tried to act like it didn’t happen, that it didn’t affect you. Now was as good of a time as any to address the problem.

You opened your mouth to talk, but Murphy unknowingly interrupted you. “I mean, I know you said that you just needed space and we were going too fast but- what exactly did that mean? I- I kind of made some guesses and have tried to fix us from there but- but I would still like to know.”

Murphy began to trail off, kicking at the dirt as you kept walking. This part of Murphy was completely new to you. He was fumbling over his words, behaving as if he was bashful about the subject as well. You found it oddly comforting and incredibly adorable.

“It just wasn’t the right time for our relationship,” you told him truthfully. “We started becoming different people and needed time to individually grow. We were going into things without thinking about it and then we were fighting all the time and putting bandages over gaping wounds. We needed time to mature.”

Murphy nodded as if he understood. “Well the fighting bit, that was all you.”

Your mouth fell open as you scoffed, pushing him yet again. That was something you had always done to Murphy, regardless of your relationship status. He just seemed to deserve it. “Yeah, right! You can never let anything go, Mr. I’m-done-with-this-conversation-but-I’m-going-to-mumble-about-it-for-twenty-

more-minutes.”

“Details,” he commented, waving his hand in the air as if to swat the subject away. “I’m better at that, though. Right?”

You didn’t respond. Instead, you took his hand in yours, interlacing your fingers together. He didn’t hesitate. In fact, he acted like you two had never stopped holding hands in the first place. 

The rest of the walk was silent as you both took time to indulge in each other’s presence. You had missed Murphy. It was only when you were sent to the Ground that you started to reconnect. Prior to that, you avoided each other at all costs. Seeing him was painful and humiliating. Talking to him was even worse.

Murphy stopped a few feet away from your door. He gave your hand one last squeeze before releasing it and forcing a tiny smile. He nodded towards you and went to turn around. You stuck out your arm to stop him.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

“To my room,” he responded as if it were obvious.

“Without saying goodnight?”

“I just thought- with your mom and everything-” he tried to explain.

“Well, yeah. But that doesn’t mean leave without saying anything.”

Murphy chuckled and raised his eyebrows. “Can I say a little more than goodnight?” You squinted your eyes out of curiosity but said nothing. Murphy took that as a cue to continue.

“I love you,” he said aloud, “and I know there was a time when I said that and it didn’t mean a whole lot. Maybe it still doesn’t. I don’t know.”

He paused for a moment, eyes searching for the words he couldn’t say. Even as his breathing became labored and his eyes turned blood red, he managed to choke out, “I don’t think anyone has ever loved me. I don’t even love myself. But when I look at you, I- I see everything I want to be. You touch me- and I forget everything that I was. And when you say my name- you say it with purpose. Like- I can one day clear it. Like my name- is finally important to someone. Like it doesn’t have to hurt to be Murphy. If that isn’t love, then I don’t know what is.”

“John,” you whispered, placing your hand over his heart. It was beating rapidly against your palm, much like the constant lurching in your stomach. But as soon as it happened, he took your hands gently in his own. On the tips of your fingers he placed a soft kiss. Your knees buckled and you found yourself leaning on Murphy for strength.

“You don’t have to say anything. Don’t feel like you have to.”

“I love you, too,” you told him quickly.

Murphy let out a breath of relief before leaning down to kiss you. It was something that you had missed but didn’t even notice until now. The way his lips melded perfectly into yours. How delicately he pressed them together, contrasting the abrasive man he wanted everyone to think he was. And the warmth you felt that never ceased to ignite your entire body. You had deprived yourself of this for years. 

What were you thinking?

Murphy pulled away from you with a large smile on his face. You couldn’t hide your embarrassment as you put your head down, grinning yourself. Murphy cleared his throat in an attempt to act normal. 

“Well- uh- I guess I’ll see you-”

“Tomorrow morning!” a voice interrupted. Your face turned pale as you saw a silhouette standing in front of the main door. You covered your face as Murphy waved to your mother, seeming to be very pleased with himself.

“I’ll be here.”

“Oh, I know,” she replied with a smirk. 

“Mom!” you exclaimed. 

“Fine, fine. I’ll leave you alone. Ten minutes, then back inside.”

“Yeah, got it. Thanks,” you replied sheepishly.

“Goodnight, John.”

“Goodnight, Ms. Y/L/N.”

With that, your mother went back inside, closing the door behind her. You could have curled up and died on the spot. That soon faded as you heard a soft squeal escape Murphy’s lips. He was never good at holding back his laughter. 

“Just like old times, huh?” he asked, amused.

“Just like them,” you said with a smile, “except this time, a lot better.”

**Wow, it has been a while! This was per request, I mixed it with an idea I was already toying around with: your mom keeps asking about Murphy. I thought it would be fun to mash these two together! I hope that everyone is staying safe during these unfortunate times. I’m always here if anyone needs anything!

The mood music is really there just to put you in my mindset and what I was listening to when I wrote this. Of course, completely optional. Just think it’s a fun little tidbit to add!

All my love

Lainey

[sanscestships]

Crossmare (Analysis, CrossxNightmare)

Requested by: no one. there are no requests yet

Created on: 1/5/21

i know Crossmare is a really popular ship and i'll probably get killed for this but just remember this is not based off fanon stuff. it's just me looking at the canon facts and speculating based on those.

i actually also ship Crossmare along with Kross, Krossmare, Killercreamare, Errink, Destructive Death, Afterdeath, Dustberry, Horrordust, etc. etc. as a multishipper. I'm just trying to be logical here.

so if you see the analysis going in a direction you don't like, you can just skip to the bottom to see the overall analysis in a more simplified version.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Crossmare is really popular apparently. I've noticed it a lot on Tumblr and Wattpad.

Unfortunately now I need to crack it's head open.

FluffyNight is apparently canon. I was told this a while ago. FluffyNight (CcinoxNightmare) is canon. So now unless I was told wrong or Joku changes their mind, all Nightmare ships that aren't FluffyNight are out the window.

Alright with that out of the way: It isn't gonna work.

In case no one noticed, Cross is both a memelord and can be an asshat at times as depicted in "Adventures of XChara and Swap!Chara" when he intentionally scares Palette and Goth. He also tricked Goth into giving him all of his chocolate milk before getting his ass beat by Geno. Then when Dream and Nightmare run into him, Nightmare just wants to stick around because "it's funny" after Dream declares he'll try to help get Cross out of a vending machine Geno stuck him in.

Lesson learned: Don't screw with Geno or any of his kids.

So Cross is both an asshole and memey as hell. Nightmare literally doesn't give a fuck and just wishes to feed off negativity.

Aaand they literally don't care about each other.

That was probably their only interaction OUTSIDE of Underverse and fanfic within a sort of canon multiverse. Literally Epicross is more likely since he and Epic are actually best friends.

and then IN Underverse, they were literally using EACH OTHER. Cross used Nightmare to gain access to other worlds to rebuild his own world, and Nightmare used Cross to gain a minion to spread negativity without telling him about the "fine print". They literally tried to manipulate EACH OTHER.

I mean, I guess if they DID decided if they liked each other in some sort of other timeline it COOOOUUUULLLLDDDDD work...? Like, Cross can be an asshole so i guess that causes negativity..?

As for Cross being a memelord, he puts up with 3 idiots already. Does he really need more...?

But the real question is: Can CROSS. Put up with NIGHTMARE?

Can Cross deal with Nightmare just laughing at his misery when he needs help and what not?

But THATS JUST A THEORY-

Anyhow now to speculate on relationship possibilities :3

So even though it's pretty low due to Nightmare already being taken apparently and their large seemingly disinterest in each other, let's just say they somehow managed? Would the relationship actually work or would it sink like a tank?

alright lets look at the facts:

-Nightmare feeds off negativity, therefore creates it by attacking AUs but keeps them alive

-Cross can be a jerk but is good friends with Epic and are meme buddies

-Nightmare is "deceiving, erratic, unpredictable and evil" according to the canon wiki

-"When he was younger, said he was very smug, to which he loudly denies, only to be yelled at."

-"At first, Cross was far more compassionate as the , wanting to believe in even when he tried to kill him. But when Frisk took control of their friends, including Cross' brother , he lost all faith in him, and used all of his power to stop him by killing his former friends, even ruthlessly killing Papyrus and absorbing soul."

-"His greed and recklessness... he had a mental breakdown and became completely delusional over the loss of his own world..."

-"Despite this, he becomes excited and obsessive over tacos and chocolate, and was very friendly towards before he told Cross that he couldn't revive the dead. Afterwards, he acts arrogant towards others and is disgusted by everything around him."

-"He also became very selfish..."

BY THE BY, ALL OF THE QUOTES ARE FROM THE WIKI-

So what we got is:

Nightmare is deceiving. He was very smug even before the apple incident. Cross used to be compassionate, but has lost all faith. So the instant he is back stabbed, he never forgets. He is greedy, selfish, and reckless now after his world is gone. He was still very friendly to Ink though when they first met, and acted arrogant after wards.

So it would seem Cross is very friendly at first, but turns from compassionate and energetic to arrogant and selfish the moment he's betrayed.

And Nightmare tricked him and tried to kill him in Underverse.

But if it was another timeline where Underverse didn't happen, they... Well.

It's possible for them to not hate each other?

I mean- Cross won't hate him if he doesn't betray him. He'll actually be more friendly than hostile. Same can't be said about Nightmare though. He is 'smug' and 'deceiving'. So they'll probably have more of a subject/master relationship. But i have seen a lot of fanfic where Nightmare is attracted to Cross's loyalty and his pride meter gets kicked down a notch?

then there's if they DO get together.

god knows how well the other members of the team would take Cross being the favorite of Nightmare. depending on how well they take it it can go from:

silent treatment to bullying to all sorts of shit.

since Cross is very compassionate and friendly at first, he'll probably try to get to know the others. if they prove to be hostile and unfriendly, it's likely Cross could possibly act hostile to them back and things get chaotic with possibly the three rebelling. Then there's if they are okay with it, what about Ink? Ink and Cross used to be friends, so there's a lot of tension between them.

Ink knew Cross well, so he might try to take advantage of what he knows to hurt Nightmare.

But, could they work if nothing goes wrong?

Yeah, i think they could. Cross is very loyal so he could possibly both keep up the relationship and continue to farm negativity for Nightmare even if the others start to slack off. Especially since he's not as lazy as compared to the others since he was never "trained to be lazy".

Overall: Canonically? OH HELL NO-

In another universe or timeline? Maaayyybbeeee...? It really depends.

[five-hxrgreeves]

I Won’t Back Down - Five Hargreeves x OC

Word Count: 1,982

You can stand me up at the gates of hell But I won't back down I'm gonna stand my ground Won't be turned around And I'll keep this world from dragging me down

1 |  2  | 3 |  4 |

Pt. 3- Monday, April 1, 2019

The morning of the first dawned with a bright blue sky and perfect spring temperatures, almost in  mocking irony of the fate it would meet later on that same day. Suspecting nothing amiss, Lola began her usual morning routine of getting ready for school. After brushing her teeth, she went to her closet and decided on a pair of jeans, a white, long-sleeved v-necked shirt with black polka-dots and after brushing her hair, hesitated over a choice of hats that she owned. While there was no strict dress code at her school, she did like to make a good first impression on Mondays. The rest of the week was up for grabs.

Coming to a decision, she reached for a yellow hat with a navy-blue ribbon around the crown that was tied in a bow and placed it jauntily on her head. The brunette was somewhat known around school for her unique accessories so she’d only been indecisive over which style she’d wanted, not actually whether or not to wear a hat. She then pulled on a pair of riding-styled boots and picked up her backpack, sliding her deck of cards into the back pocket of her jeans. Lunchtime was usually a boring affair so it was often when she would practice her magic- sometimes with a crowd to entertain.

On her route to school, Lola passed the familiar Umbrella Academy house and wondered what transpired within the walls, remembering the strange man she’d met the previous week. She wondered how long it had been since all of the siblings had seen each other since from Vanya’s book, it hadn’t seemed like they’d lived under the same roof for a long, long time. A smile flickered across her face as she thought of grown-up superheroes attempting to act like real siblings and the interesting, chaotic bickering that might ensue.

(Of course, she had no idea that such arguments might result in the end of life on earth.)

After that, the day passed as it usually did, with millions and billions of people completely unaware of what the night would bring.

--

Once dinner was over, Lola scraped her plate clean and set it in the dishwasher before turning it on to run, blatantly unaware that this would be the last time she did such a mundane action for a long, long time. Then, she made her way into the family room where her mother, father and uncle were sitting on the couch about to watch TV. Both men had their traditional after-dinner drink of two fingers of whiskey while her mother sipped on spiked hot coffee.

“Mom?” Lola asked.

“Yes, dear?”

“I’m going to the basement now, all of the dinner dishes are cleaned up.”

Her mother’s blue eyes- the ones she’d inherited- flicked to the younger girl, “alright, but don’t stay up too late. It’s a school night, you know.”

Her uncle grinned, “yeah,” he said, breaking to take a sip from his glass, “wouldn’t want you to show up all grumpy for school tomorrow.”

Lola sighed and nodded in acceptance, “alright, I’ll do my best,” she said, knowing it was more than likely she’d lose track of time anyway.

Moving first towards her mother, then father and finally her uncle, she gave them each a goodnight hug and exchanged their daily I love yous.

(She would be grateful that these were the last words she’d ever said to her family. At least she wouldn’t have to live wondering if her family had known she’d loved them.)

Then, she went to the basement.

Not even a mile away, the beginnings of an altercation were occurring at the house the size of a single block where the seventh, disregarded member of the family of superheroes was receiving a hostile welcome at the introduction of her new boyfriend, Leonard Peabody.

--

Lola liked her basement. It wasn’t terribly large but it wasn’t terribly small, either. Half of it was unfinished and the other half was lived-in, creating a perfect balance. In the unfinished side, metal shelves that one might see in a hardware store stood floor-to-ceiling with various tools and stored holiday items. Paint cans, electric machinery, extension cords and other items one would normally find in a shed were scattered haphazardly along the shelves.

In the other half, a carpeted floor of some green color stretched from the back wall to right before Lola’s writing desk. On top of it sat an old, brown-leather couch, a black wooden coffee table from IKEA and a TV hung mounted on the wall. After the carpet ended, removable foam-padded tiles formed the floor. This was the area where Lola’s desk sat which was a large, white table. The desktop itself was almost empty except for her half-filled notebook, three different-sized candles, a pencil sharpener and a pencil holder. Her papers- both for school and other things- were stored in a hand-me-down brown file cabinet that stood to the left of her workspace.

Before sitting down to write, the brunette carried out her ritual warm-up: lighting the candles, flipping to the next available page, sharpening her pencil and placing her reference books on her desk- The Book Thief, of course, and her new book from Vanya Hargreeves. Then, she pulled her deck of cards from her back pocket and placed the rectangular box carefully on the lower-left corner of her desk, making sure to match up the corners of the box with the outlined shape created by the corner. She wasn’t sure why she did this, it just was something she absolutely had to do before she finally sat down.

Once finished, Lola made sure to flip the electric lights off and returned to her seat which was a rolly-chair with one broken wheel. She began to write surrounded by her small pool of glowing, flickering light.

Today’s memory is from when I was six. (Note to self: find a better opening.) It was my first time at the store for hours on end. Usually, a babysitter would come by and pick me up but I suppose she cancelled. (NtS: get more details. Just kidding, nobody cares about that.) Anyway, I was super bored and since I was little, I didn’t have any schoolwork to do. I wandered around the store for a bit, probably causing mischief. Anyway (you already said that, dummy) the funny part is that I sat down at a group of mannequins because there weren’t any other seats and I must’ve sat so still that everyone thought I was one because when I finally stood up, a woman screamed. I didn’t know why at the time but it happened again when I was older. Then I started doing it for my own amusement. It was funny to see people think that I was a fake, plastic doll only to realize I was actually real. Sometimes, I even went to the back and dressed in clothes that would soon be modeled by the mannequins- although I think the effect was ruined because I didn’t fit them.

--

A story up and a block over, the altercation had grown to a full-blown verbal assault, the main four members of the family heatedly questioning the new boyfriend’s insistence on them coming to their sister’s concert. The seventh member, feeling hurt and angry that her family wouldn’t, just once support her, felt the tension build up within her, her emotions unusually high from the lack of medication she’d consistently taken for years until this week.

--

The spot was also great for people-watching. While Gimbel Brothers has mostly ordinary clients, there are some cases that are more noteworthy (NtS: fix wording, sounds awkward). There are many people who bring children to the store as well. On Mondays, there is an average of twelve children, usually after school. The number varies throughout the week until Saturday where there are usually fifteen or twenty. One time, as an outlier during the holidays, there were twenty-five. I know this because I counted them. I don’t usually do it intentionally and I’m sure I miss some customers but for some reason, all the numbers stick in my head. The funny thing is, I’m terrible at math. I’m also really good at cards, though. I’ve never lost a game of War or Go Fish. My uncle says I’m a counter, which I suppose is true. I’ve also counted all the sequins on one of our formal dresses, just for fun. There were two-hundred and eighty-six.

--

As the sky grew dark outside, the argument in the large house had reached an all-time high with Leonard Peabody outwardly insulting his girlfriend’s largest brother, inciting his anger and riling him up purposefully, causing him to throw the first punch. The seventh member of the family desperately tried to pull her boyfriend away, to save him from an assault that he would surely not survive. She was right about that, but there was nothing she could do. There was only one person Number One listened to and it wasn’t her.

--

Anyway, back to people-watching. There was once a rich woman who came to our store. No one could figure out why; we’re not exactly the high-end type. She brought her daughter with her, a pretty, blonde girl with bright blue eyes. Almost like mine, I think, but they looked better on her. I heard her tell Brittany that she wanted to get her granddaughter ‘normal clothes,’ except she said it like an insult. I figure that when her granddaughter came to visit, all she provided were expensive outfits and the girl spilled on them, teaching her the lesson of buying cheaper clothes for little kids. She didn’t say all of that but I made up the story to go along with her request.

--

Standing over Leonard’s body, the seventh member of the Hargeeves turned on her brother, eyes shining white against her pale face. In his hand, he held a bloody, glass eyeball. Her siblings crowded together, trying to calm her, but she spent all of her life being calm and she was tired of it. Turning her gaze to the academy, the building shook under a ten-point-zero earthquake, the bricks and concrete falling down in rapid succession. Tearing her gaze away from the sight of her childhood hell, she let sound waves resonate through the street, knocking over buildings and causing them to collapse, burying her siblings in rubble. Carelessly, she walked away as anger, sadness and hatred fueled her steps to her apartment where she changed and gathered up her violin for the world’s last performance.

--

She was very posh too, with fur and everything. She stood still long enough that I could study her coat, which had thirty spots. I’m not sure if it was real fur (if it was, she’s a horrible person), but she certainly acted very high-class, even speaking a little nasally and tilting her head up to look down on Brittany. I think it might’ve been because of Brittany’s skin color. The woman didn’t seem to be very accepting of hard-working people that looked different from her.

--

At ten o’clock pm, the close of the concert, sound waves so large they felled the building and many blocks over swept through the city. A short, dark-haired woman with a glowing white light in the center of her chest rose above the destruction, sending out pulses of sound to the far-reaching corners of the world. With no one to stop her, no one to shoot a gun next to her ear, the bottled power exploded from her chest sharing with everyone the feelings of hurt and neglect that she’d been forced to endure throughout her childhood. One person alone survived in a basement not much deeper than the fictional character’s she admired, writing away and completely unaware that the world above had changed beyond recognition.

[baldwin-montclair]

The Unlikely Advocate - Part 4

Just a little backstory to how this little family of a vampire and two witches formed.

PART 1

PART 2

PART 3

Tagged: @sylverdeclermont @christi14 @fanficqueen306 @holamor

—��—

“You fucking asshole!” Eileen hissed viciously at Baldwin, standing by the projection board and over the heads of his underlings at their desks as time and space seemed to evaporate, judging by the frozen nature of their stares.

The silence was broken when four security personnel caught up with her. Two grabbed her roughly by each arm to escort her from the building.

“Do not fucking touch her!” Baldwin roared at them and without a beat, they dropped their hold.

Despite her own anger and feeling of betrayal, Eileen suddenly realised that her actions were indistinguishable from someone knowingly entering a bull-fighting arena whilst wearing top to toe in red.

“In here!” He called back as he retreated to his office.

Everyone stayed frozen, not entirely sure who he’d been speaking to and much too afraid to be mistaken.

A moment later he reappeared at the office door, his gaze focused on Eileen.

“Miss Percy,” he clarified and regarded his still slightly traumatised team, “everyone else back to work.”

Eileen was more than a little aware of the stares she had prompted from the workers, some fascinated by the person who’d given voice to a sentiment they were too afraid to even think, others like she was walking the last few yards to her place of execution. In reality, if they had any notion of how actually dangerous their ball-buster boss really was they would have run a long time ago.

As soon as she’d crossed the threshold, the door closed behind her and Baldwin retreated to lean against his large mahogany desk, folding his arms and watching her intently.

“You lied to me-“ she started.

“I haven’t Miss Percy, which is why this intrusion is unacceptable-“

“How dare you,” she interrupted again, “come over all high and mighty after what you did.”

“What manner of offence do you imagine I committed ?” He asked with a sigh, his patience visibly dissipating.

“Izzy, you told me everything was fine, that the Congregation had ruled to let me keep custody.”

He stood straighter, his fixed gaze more intense.

“Your mother disputed our ruling, if there is a problem you should take it up with her.”

“My mother allied herself with her precious big brother, leader of the witches in Congregation, she still thinks he was used as a scapegoat for your family to grab more power. I haven’t spoken to her since she disowned my sister for accusing him. Why is she even being taken seriously?”

“I promise that she isn’t,” he stepped forward, “she’s not getting near your niece. The way to ensure that is to conduct a proper hearing.”

“You’re choosing an arbiter, some stranger is taking my niece away from me until that’s done!”

“Standard procedure,” he assured, “I have chosen Diana as her guardian during the proceedings, the Congregation have agreed, I simply have not yet been able to reach her today. Once the arrangements were made I was going to inform you.”

“Can...” she stopped, feeling the righteous fury fade to embarrassment at her failure to imagine this option, “can you do that, make Diana her temporary guardian?”

“I assume she is an acceptable choice given your close friendship?”

Eileen nodded mutely, there was no-one in the world she trusted with Izzy more than Diana and Matthew.

“Then if we are done?” His sniping tone had softened slightly. The regard in his expression belied curiosity rather than anger.

“Yes...of course,” she stammered as he stepped close, leaning past her to open the door, “I’m s-“

“We’ll discuss this another time,” he cut off her apology as he stood over her, his frame intimidating as his dark amber eyes fixed her in place.

The encounter stayed with her long after she’d left his offices. Despite her embarrassment at her rash behaviour, she couldn’t help but feel comforted by his easy authority over the situation. Every decision she’d made of late, with regards to taking over the coven, becoming a mother to her fourteen month old niece, she’d second guessed and panicked over, dealing with her mother had been a source of anxiety but the vampire her family had been so wary of was the one fighting them with her.

Also, she knew she’d be lying if she argued she didn’t find him attractive. Objectively, her friend’s husband, Matthew, was a very attractive man but definitely too much of a friend to really lend him the mysterious gravitas as his step-brother.

Also, in such close proximity, Baldwin did smell incredible, leather and firewood, very masculine aromas and despite herself, she felt drawn to his authoritative energy.

Eileen was not looking forward to the journey to France, not nearly as much as all previous social visits. It was not just because she was going to be without her niece for some time but because she would be met there by the vampire whose office she’d stormed just one week prior.

She loaded the gurgling baby into her chair as the doorbell rang. Hoping it was not a neighbour - as she was already behind in regards to time - she opened the door a crack.

That was all her brother’s needed to push the door open harder, knocking her backwards to the ground, splitting her lip.

Isobel started crying in her car seat, loudly.

“You’re weak, just like that Bishop bitch, if you both had your way, we’d all be under the thumb of the vampires.”

“Joshua, not you too-“ Eileen winced as she stood, looking into the eyes of her younger brother, the baby of the family was now angry and hateful, just like her elder sibling Mark.

“Don’t talk to him,” Mark sneered, “you only talk lies, we won’t let you take another family member away.”

He made to move towards Isobel but Eileen rushed to stand in his way.

“Lies? Like how our uncle, capturing witches and supplying them to a sadistic madman for rape and torture?” She yelled and felt the strike of a hand on her cheek.

“Yes, lies, you misled our dear departed sister with your false accusations, her blood is on your hands.”

“He killed our sister, Knox did, she was the one who figured out he was behind the disappearances. The de Clermont’s suffered just as much at Fuch’s hands, they were not in league with him.”

“You whore,” he grabbed her hair, “has he had you, is that why he’s taken such an interest?”

“Who?”

“Who do you fucking think? Montclair!”

“No.”

“We’ll see,” Mark nodded at Joshua, “she always sucked at keeping her mind protected, hold her.”

Joshua hesitated.

“We were meant to just take the baby, not hurt her.”

“It only hurts if you fight it, you should know that, little brother.”

“Don’t listen to him Josh.”

“Shut up!” Mark shoved her against the wall.

She waited for the sickening thud of her skull striking the hard surface but it didn’t.

Opening her eyes, she realised she was no longer looking into her malice driven brother’s gaze but a concerned Baldwin who had shielded her head with his hand, preventing the injury.

The same could not be said for Mark, lying and groaning amidst a mess of splintered bookcase and it’s contents.

Joshua, frozen in fear up until now moved to go towards him but was stopped by a growl from her saviour before he turned his attention to her.

“I’m going to attend to your sister now,” he spoke to her attackers as he looked her over, “I suggest you not be here when I turn.”

Mark made to rush Baldwin but he was suddenly frozen in place before being threw out the door, Joshua running after him as the door slammed and locked behind them.

Baldwin turned back to Eileen stunned, he had no idea she possessed such power.

He was unable to query it as he found her unconscious but with her breathing steady and her heart rate at the pace it usually was, higher than most but normal for her, he decided it best to just let her rest.

Isobel had quietened down since the commotion and was now staring at Baldwin as he gently placed Eileen on the sofa, her gaze held a silent calculation. Then, her arms outstretched, demanding to be picked up.

“You don’t have the genetic markers for Witch Wind Eileen,” Matthew looked over the blood work he’d conducted shortly after she joined their conventicle, “fire and earth yes but not witch wind.”

“So what does that mean?” She asked.

“We think you leant your power to Isobel, she has the markers and you have a genetic connection through your sister, the earth marker.” Diana explained.

“Not intentionally, I’d never just put it all on her so I can peace out and nap while she’s alone and scared.”

Diana smiled a little and nodded to Rebecca ‘serving’ empty plastic cups of tea to Isobel and Baldwin, the latter with Isobel still at ease on his arm.

“She wasn’t alone, she knew she was safe, as were you.”

“He’s so much better with kids than adults,” Matthew shook his head in bewilderment at the family head, “it’s very strange.”

“She’s very taken with him,” Eileen agreed.

“Obviously runs in the family.” Diana commented to an exasperated eye-roll from her friend.

Eileen flicked through the photo’s on the iPad, those and her daily FaceTime ‘chats’ with her niece being the only thing to keep her sane after a week without her.

She didn’t even have the comfort of familiar surroundings as Baldwin insisted she stay in one of his guest bedrooms, given the hostility of her family.

As grateful as she was for his help, she found the situation increasingly difficult in some ways.

For over a year, her sole focus had been her niece, protecting and taking care of her, her own needs secondary. She didn’t begrudge this, she didn’t even think about it. Now, with nothing to do or focus on, Eileen found herself at a loose end and attracted to her friend’s brother.

That has to be breaking some code.

Still, the memory of Baldwin’s cold and firm touch cradling her head from impacting the wall stayed with her, making her consider just how that same strong hand would feel around her throat as he took her on the long table of the dining room.

A guilty flush made her shake her head involuntarily. Sex was not something she’d been shy about agreeing to in the past but she was out of practice, now she might as well be a nun staring at a well-endowed statue a bit too long.

A shower, she needed a shower.

The hot water helped give some semblance of peace to her mind but did not assuage her desire and she dipped her hand down between her thighs to aid in easing her frustration.

She was close, in a very short span of time, making up for months of neglecting that aspect of herself when the tell-tale sound of her phone sounded in the bedroom.

She hastily ended the shower, dried off and rough towelled her hair before throwing on a silk dressing gown.

The phone had stopped before she reached it.

“Dammit!” She swore.

It came alive again in her hand.

Mother.

She couldn’t tamp down the boiling anger, not enough to stop herself doing the one thing Baldwin ordered her not to do.

Answer the call.

By the time she’d taken the breath needed to cuss the woman out, the phone was in Baldwin’s hand at the far side of the room.

He emphatically hit the hang up button and placed the device on the table.

“So that lock really is just for show,” she accused, gesturing to the door of Baldwin’s guest room.

“Every call from your mother is monitored, you know that, and I did tell you to not to speak to her.”

He was focused on her face, not the sheer dressing gown stuck against her still slightly damp skin. His gaze was deliberate, as though his will was employed in avoiding so much as a glance at her body.

“I did not give you permission to enter.” She went to the door and opened it, “please leave.”

“As you wish,” he shrugged, picking up the phone, “but this comes with me.”

“You can’t,” she stood in front of the door, blocking his exit, “I need that”.

Eileen made a grab for the phone but he managed to hold it just out of reach.

“You cannot be trusted.” He explained.

“I can-“

“Whatever you say to your mother could be used as an argument to give her custody, I’m trying to protect you, and the child.”

“I don’t need your protection!”

“And I really don’t care what you think you need, in this situation I know better.”

“You are an arrogant prick!”

“Indeed I am, and will continue to be so until you accept my guidance in this matter.”

“You’re asking me to trust you?”

“Not at all,” he stepped closer to her, “I’m telling you to do as I say.” His gaze was now fixated on her throbbing jugular vein.

“And if I want your help with my family I have to obey, right?”

“Yes, but more important than that,” he reached up and gently moved a lock of hair obstructing his view of her neck, “you want to.”

“You have no idea what I want.”

“I do, only you’re afraid to ask for it,” he grasped her throat, firmly but not tight enough to hurt, “tell me to stop.”

Her hands clasped his wrist and forearm through instinct but still well aware this would do nothing to save her if his goal was to harm her.

“I’m not afraid of you.” She hissed in defiance.

“That much is clear,” he taunted, lips centimetres from her own, “tell me to stop.”

“No.”

“Then tell me what you need?”

Her gaze flickered from his eyes to his mouth, willing him to close the distance, kiss her, fuck her, bite her even, she wasn’t certain.

“I-“ she hesitated.

Baldwin pressed his lips gently onto hers, not allowing her to pull him in for more as he set the pace, maddeningly slow, before pulling away, causing her to release a whine of frustration.

“I can leave if you want me to, you need only stay silent.”

”No.”

“No what?”

“I don’t want you to leave.”

“Then you’ll trust me, put yourself in my hands from now until sunrise?”

“S-sunrise?”

It was only six-thirty, sunrise was in at least twelve hours, she had to wonder what he had in mind.

“Can you do that? Relinquish all responsibility and concern and simply obey?”

The seductive abilities of vampires were well known to witches, humans mistakenly attributed hypnotic properties to what they deemed the fictional creatures.

“Yes.”

“Excellent,” he leant forward and placed a kiss on her forehead, “get ready, we have a table booked for dinner in an hour.”

[darkshadow90]

Do you think Arthur/Joker could be a sociopath?

So here’s a thought that popped into my head. I notice a lot of times people use the terms psychopath and sociopath interchangeably and so people think they’re the same. They aren’t the same. Both are forms of Antisocial Personality Disorder, but they’re different. I’m not a psychiatrist or psychologist. I’m no expert in any of this. I just want to share what I’ve read about them and if Arthur /Joker could be a sociopath based on it. I thought this would be fun to do. Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong about anything. I want to talk about the differences between them and which one Arthur/Joker could fit into.

Both psychopaths and sociopaths have trouble with emotional vulnerability,  distorted identities, and have a lot of pathological traits, but they’re aren’t entirely the same. Psychopathy is something that starts at birth. A psychopath is born with some kind of genetic or neurological deformity. Psychopaths have have an easier time blending into society. They have an easier time keeping their desire for power under wraps. They’re also more careful and measured  in their actions. They can’t form emotional attachments or connections with other people. They don’t stay in relationships because they care about the people they’re with. They do it because it benefits them personally. They don’t care about love or compassion.

Sociopaths are a product of their environment. Sociopathy is learned behavior from childhood. Sometimes it’s learned from a traumatic event in childhood like abuse. Sociopaths can form emotional attachments and connections with other people, and can show empathy for some people but not others. They’re more impulsive in their actions. They don’t mind taking risks to get what they want or need. They have a hard time blending into society. They’re more likely to make a scene to get attention. While their ability to form emotional attachments, connections, and having empathy for others is limited, the people they have empathy for and have emotional attachments or connections with are genuine. They’re in those relationships because they have a personal connection with them.

Arthur/Joker doesn’t seem like a psychopath. We know he was horribly abused as a child. He never had his emotional needs met, which could explain why he wanted to be loved and noticed by others. He never got that love as a child. The people he has emotional attachments to are genuine. He loves his mom and takes care of her. And while the relationship with Sophie wasn’t real, he does seem to care about her. In one of the scripts for the movie, Arthur was on his way to the Murray Franklin Show. He goes by Sophie’s apartment and leaves her a note with money. He knows she’s a single mom and struggling, so he left her the money to help her out. He’s also warm towards Gary after he kills Randall. Arthur has no remorse for killing Randall, but he does seem to feel bad that Gary is upset. He never tried to hurt Gary. He let Gary go. Gary is upset about what Arthur did and Arthur says “Don’t look. Just go.” Then as Gary is leaving Arthur jumps out and scares him. I don’t think it was meant as a mean thing. I think Arthur scared Gary because he didn’t want Gary to see Randall’s body, and he knew Gary would be even more upset if he saw It. He was able to consider Gary’s feelings because he liked him and considered him a friend. He wouldn’t hurt the people he’s connected with. At least, not intentionally.

Arthur/Joker is impulsive in his actions. He doesn’t spend days or weeks carefully planning things. Every time he kills someone, it’s usually on impulse. It’s not planned out. He’s reactive in his killings. With the exception of his mom, he didn’t actively plan on killing any of those people. And he never has any empathy for the people he kills. I think that’s why he can kill them without any remorse or emotion. They aren’t people he could form emotional attachments or connections with them, so he has no empathy for them. 

Arthur/Joker does seem to have some narcissism in him, too. The entire movie is only from his perspective. We aren’t seeing it from anyone else’s point of view. He expects to be treated a certain way. When he imagines himself on the Murray Franklin show, he tells Murray and the audience that he takes good care of his mom. The audience is touched and Murray tells him he’d give up his show, his career to have a son like Arthur. So Arthur expects Murray to give up his career because he’s a good son to his mom, or he’s formed his own interpretation of what Murray would be like if he met him in real life. There are similar things in his imagined relationship with Sophie. He only saw Sophie for a bit when she was in the elevator. They don’t know much about each other outside of being neighbors. But in his imagined relationship with her, Arthur has his own ideas of how Sophie would behave and react in certain situations. When Sophie asks him if she was following him he says yes. After she says she was hoping Arthur would come rob her, Arthur tells her he has a gun and he’ll come by the next day. She laughs and tells him he’s funny. Then we see them on a date. They seem to be having a good time. When they’re walking in the city, Sophie isn’t holding his hand. And when the killer clown story about the Wall Street guys is on the newspaper, she’s happy they were killed. I think the reason Sophie wasn’t holding his hand is because Arthur is shy, and he’s projecting some of himself onto her. Arthur would be too shy to hold her hand, so he wouldn’t expect her to hold his hand. And she supports the Wall Street guys being killed because Arthur would want her to. Arthur doesn’t know her. She says, behaves, and reacts the way he thinks she would. Of course he would want her to think he’s funny, not creepy, and he would want her to support him, even if it involves murder. We don’t know what the real Sophie would be like or what she would think about the murders, or Arthur stalking her. I think it’s likely she wouldn’t react the way Arthur would want her to.  We are only meant to see things from Arthur’s/Jokers perspective and not really consider the perspective of other people. When Arthur meets Bruce, he’s trying to establish a connection with him. He does magic tricks for Bruce and tries to make him smile. Then he puts his fingers in Bruce’s mouth to make him smile. We know that Arthur wouldn’t hurt Bruce because he likes kids, and he was trying to make him happy. But to an outsider looking in like Alfred, it might look like something more sinister was going on. It’s Alfred’s job to protect Bruce, so I can’t blame him for being hostile towards Arthur...at first. Then there’s the scene where Arthur confesses to killing the Wall Street guys. We know what happened and why Arthur did it. But Murray and the people in the studio don’t know what happened. They don’t know the context of the situation, so of course they’re going to be disgusted because they just see a killer. And if we didn’t see what happened and only heard about him killing three guys, we might not be as sympathetic toward him.  I think Arthur/Joker is more of a sociopath than a psychopath. A psychopath wouldn’t have let Gary go. If Arthur was a psychopath, he would be less impulsive and more calculating in his actions. He would have an easier time fitting into society and likely would’ve had a successful career. There’s a phrase that says sociopaths are made by the environmental factors and society they’re raised in, and Arthur/Joker is definitely a product of his environment and society. He was made by the trauma and abuse and neglect he suffered in his childhood and a lot of his life. I think Todd Phillips at one point referred to Joker as a narcissistic sociopath. However, if you were to ask me about Arthur/Joker in Arkham, I don’t know. He’s so different from the rest of the movie. I noticed the psychiatrist sitting across from him didn’t refer to him by name, like the social worker did. So Arthur might not be his real name. It’s like he’s not the same person. I get the impression he’s capable of doing things that Arthur would never do. He seemed a lot more evil. Let’s just say if he killed someone and Gary was there with him, I don’t think he would let Gary go. I hate thinking he’s just a bad guy and he was lying to us. But there’s no way to know for sure. What do you think?

[j0elmill3r]

this might be too much to ask and you don’t have to do it but could you do a barber! reader (defending jacob) she’s a few years older than jacob and she gets kicked off a sport team from school (any i really don’t care 😂) because of jacob’s trial and they have an argument but then make up again. i hope you’d be willing to do it but you don’t need to :)

Gives You Hell

Jacob Barber x Sister Reader (Mainly, but still involves Laurie and Andy)

Defending Jacob Masterlist

Warnings; No spoilers for Defending Jacob, swearing, yelling, fighting, injuries, some angst

Word Count; 2.4k

--

You shoved your earbuds in and walked out of the school. You kept your anger in check as you walked home, you had been taken off of your school's soccer team because of your brother's trial and current situation. Jacob was gonna get it when you got home. Really, you had no reason to be angry at him, it wasn't his fault. You walked home and when you got home, you ignored your parents calling for you to go and talk to them. It was ironic, your parents hadn't intentionally been ignoring you, they had just became consumed with what was going on with your brother, which you completely understood. He was being accused of murder, that came first above all of your problems, and to your mind, probably even you.

"Jacob, you little shit!" You yelled as you walked upstairs.

"Why are you yelling, what happened?" He asked you. You scoffed and rolled your eyes. "I'm not a mind reader, tell me,"

"You! You fucking happened! I got kicked off of the team because of you! I lost my future because of your trial!" You yelled. Jacob scoffed and shook his head.

"It's not my fault, Y/N! Maybe it's because you aren't that good!" He yelled back. You laughed humourlessly and ran your hand down your face.

"You have 3 seconds to run and hide before I push you down the fucking stairs, you dick," You said lowly. Jacob took your advice and ran down the stairs, to which you promptly chased him. Andy and Laurie looked up and saw their youngest running down the stairs, followed by his older sister. "You little shit!" You yelled as you ran into the living room and tripped him up. Jacob grabbed your leg and pulled it, making you fall down beside him.

"Hey!" Laurie yelled at you and Jacob, who ignored her. You pulled on his hair, and he pulled on yours. "Andy," She turned to look at Andy, who was watching as you two fought. You had managed to get on top of your brother by keeping him on his stomach and holding his hands behind his back.

"Say you're sorry!" You yelled. Jacob grunted and twisted, throwing you off. He stood up and ran behind the couch your parents were sitting on.

"Sorry? For what, you being a shitty person?" He asked. You got onto your feet and went to charge towards him, but Andy intervened and he clipped your waist with his arm before you could reach Jacob.

"Alright, that's enough!" Andy said. You tried your hardest to get out of your dad's grip, but he was significantly stronger than you were. "Upstairs, now," He pointed to Jacob, who wasn't looking to get any further into trouble and went upstairs.

"Can you let me go now?" You asked him. Andy let you go and stood in front of you, just in case you tried to run after Jacob.

"Sit," He instructed you. You ignored him and stood in your spot, a bored look on your face. "Y/N, I'm not gonna tell you again, sit down," He said again, this time much sterner than the last.

"Wow, you actually remember my name?" You asked him. Laurie stood up and looked at you in confusion.

"Y/N, don't speak to your dad like that," She warned you. You laughed and shook your head.

"I'd rather take your approach and not speak to either of you," You said. "I mean, did you even remember what Tuesday last week was?" You asked both of them.

"No, but I'm sure you're going to tell us anyway," Andy murmured.

"It was my fucking birthday! I understand you're busy, trust me, I do. But you didn't even remember?" You said. Andy and Laurie frowned, they had a feeling they had forgotten something-no, someone.

"Y/N, you have to understand-" "I do understand! Better than anyone else! I understand what's going on because I have to go to school and deal with the murmurs and the looks every day! You don't know how it feels knowing that people think your little brother is capable of killing people!" You cried. Tears had poured from your eyes, making your parents feel guiltier than ever. "I got kicked off of the soccer team, the coach said I was a distraction," You said sadly.  You fell back on the couch, Laurie and Andy sat either side of you.

"So why were you trying to kill your brother?" Laurie asked you. You had your head on your mom's shoulder, and Andy was holding your hand.

"I was just angry and he happened to be the first person I thought of. I didn't actually mean to hurt him if I did," You told them.

"I don't think you hurt him, I think you scared the life out of him though," Andy assured you. You were siblings, you would never intentionally hurt your brother, Andy and Laurie both knew you would never be able to live with yourself if you ever caused your little brother physical pain. "Me and your mom are sorry we've not been the best to you for the past few weeks, but we're gonna try okay?" You nodded.

"I should go and talk to Jacob," You said. Laurie kissed the top of your head and nodded.

"Okay. Remember to let him apologize too, he shouldn't have said you were a shitty person," She reminded you. You smiled and walked out of the living room and up the stairs. "They've never fought with each other like that before," Laurie said sadly. Andy sighed and pulled her forward so she was cuddled into his side.

"They've never gone through anything like this before. It's as new for them as it is for us," He told her.

"They shouldn't have to go through this, they're kids, our kids"  Andy took her hand and rubbed gentle circles on it. "I don't want them to start hating each other, Andy," She said downheartedly.

"I don't think it's possible for both of them to hate each other," He assured her. "Do you remember what Y/N used to say when we put her and Jacob to bed?" Laurie chuckled.

-

"Y/N, come on sweetheart, time for bed," Andy picked you up while Laurie was putting Jacob to sleep in his crib. You were 2 years older than him, but it didn't stop you loving him any less. Andy took you to the bathroom and brushed your teeth with difficulty, you had a long day and you wanted to go to bed. "Stay still, or you're gonna get toothpaste all over your face,"

"I tired," You yawned. Andy laughed gently and held your hair back as he positioned you over the sink.

"Spit it out," You did as instructed and let him wash the toothpaste away from your face with a towel. "Now, why don't we go say goodnight to Jacob?" You nodded happily as Andy picked you up and carried you to your baby brother's room.

"Mama," You said happily. Laurie smiled as she saw you in Andy's arms, she was so grateful.

"Hey, sweetheart. You ready for bed?" She asked you, you nodded in reply. Andy walked over to Jacob's crib, and his youngest smiled up at him.

"Look Y/N, who's that?" Andy asked you.

"Jacob!" You said happily. Andy and Laurie weren't together long when you came along, yes, you were unexpected, but it didn't mean that they didn't love you any less. You were the baby most parents dreamed of, you slept and fed easy, and you were easily contempt. Even when Jacob came, you were happy to help your mom as you realized her stomach was getting bigger and she would yell at your dad sometimes. You were a complete daddy's girl, you had Andy wrapped around your little finger.

"And how much does Y/N love Jacob?" You opened your arms, you didn't notice you nearly fell, but luckily Andy moved his arms before you could.

"This much," You said cheerily. Andy and Laurie smiled.

-

You let out a sigh as you knocked on Jacob's door, he didn't answer. You knocked again, but he still wouldn't answer.

"Jacob? Can I come in, please?" You said tiredly. You noticed his door wasn't locked, so you opened it in the hopes he wasn't naked.

"What do you want?" He asked you harshly. You rolled your eyes at his hostility, but you knew you deserved it.

"I came to say I'm sorry, maybe it'll change your opinion of me being a shitty person," You told him. You sat down beside him on his bed.

"I didn't mean that," He said quietly.  You gave him a small smile as he put his head on your shoulder.

"I know you didn't. I'm sorry I tried to kill you and chased you around the house," You apologized. "I was just angry, but not at you. Just at that fucking school,"

"Why don't you ask mom and dad if you can be homeschooled? I miss you when you're not here," He told you.

"I don't think they'd trust us alone, not after last time," You made him laugh.

"That was completely your fault, by the way," He said, looking up at you. "But you should ask them. I think it could be okay," "I'll be sure to ask them. Mainly because I can't get over the fact you genuinely miss me when I'm gone. I'm shocked and honoured, Jacob, shocked and honoured," You said, putting your hand on your heart.

"Oh, haha, Y/N. I was trying to be serious, clearly didn't work," You shook your head and laughed at him. "I miss when things just used to be like this before everything" He said sadly.

"I know, I do too. I miss when dad used to wake you up with Back In Black, you used to hate that," You said. "But it isn't always gonna be like this. We all know that you're not guilty, alright? They won't let me testify as an alibi because I'm your sister, but I'll testify in some way, dad's working it out. I promise you're not going anywhere, I won't let you," You said. You twisted around and put your arms around him, you could read Jacob like a book, you knew when he needed a hug.

"Thank you," He said quietly.

"Now, I'll go get my speaker, fire up the console. We're gonna piss off mom and dad," You said as you walked out of his room. Jacob smiled.

--

Andy and Laurie didn't exactly mind the noise coming from Jacobs' room, between him yelling at his video game, and your awful attempt of singing 'Dear Maria, Count Me In' by All Time Low, they found it more amusing than annoying.

"We should probably tell them to come down for dinner at some point, Andy," Laurie pointed out.

"And miss out on Y/N's fantastic singing? I think not," He laughed and sat back on the couch. "So much for you thinking they were gonna hate each other. I think they hated each other for an astounding 10 minutes," Andy commented.

"I just worry about them," Laurie defended herself. Andy laughed as he put her arm around her.

"Believe me, I know. There's no changing that, you basically refused to send Y/N to school on her first day because you were scared people wouldn't like her," Andy said.

"I had a valid excuse," She retorted. Before Andy could reply, a thump came from Jacob's room, causing them to flinch, either you or Jacob had just given yourself an injury or something was broken. "We should probably go and check on that," Laurie said. Andy nodded and went first, the suspense of finding out which one of the options it had been was killing both parents.

"Jacob? Y/N?" Neither you or Jacob could hear your parents outside of his door. You had fallen off of Jacobs's bed and you both found it incredibly funny. Andy thought someone was crying, so his concerned parent instincts were cranked up to 11. He opened the door and found both you and Jacob on your backs, tears of laughter streaming down your faces. Laurie stood behind her husband and sighed in relief.

"Oh thank God," She said, thankful no one was severely injured. "What the hell happened? Why is Y/N's ankle out of place?!" She said, noticing that your foot was out of place. You didn't even notice the pain, but now your mom had brought it up, you began to feel it.

"She fell off of my bed," Jacob said, wiping the tears from his eyes. He stood up and helped you up onto the bed you fell off of. "Oh shit, are you okay?"

"I don't know, I can't really feel anything," You said, looking at both of your parents. "The brace I had for soccer's in my backpack. If you put that on it should move back into place eventually," You told them. Jacob nodded.

"Is your bag in your room?" You nodded and he disappeared to your room. Andy and Laurie sat down beside you, Andy lifted your leg up and looked at it.

"Jesus, how did you do that by falling from his bed? It isn't even that high up," He asked.

"I was trying to kick something, but my foot got caught in the covers and it must've dislocated," You said calmly.

"How are you not screaming in pain? You've never dislocated that before," Laurie pushed the hair out of your face and you shrugged.

"I used to get kicked in the knee with studded boots, I think I can handle a dislocation, mom," You assured her. "And anyway, I think I went into shock and just laughed it off," Andy shook his head and waited for Jacob to come back, which he did about 2 minutes later.

"Alright, you have to tell me when it gets tight so I know when it's on right, okay?" You nodded and waited until you felt the right amount of pressure. You squeezed his hand, telling him to stop. "Okay. Now we have that sorted and you two aren't at war anymore, are either of you hungry? You've been up here pretty much since Y/N got home from school," You and Jacob nodded.

"Carry me?" You asked your dad.

"Y/N you're sixteen," He reminded you. You shrugged.

"Okay? I can't exactly walk right now, so please?" You asked him, giving him the puppy dog eyes that you would use when you were younger. Andy sighed in defeat and you knew you had won. You didn't weigh that much, so it was pretty easy for Andy to carry you downstairs.

"So, instead of soccer, what about singing as a career, Y/N?"

"Dad!"

--

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[lemonlushff-iy]

Summary: Kagome comes home to Montana from her new life in California…only to be greeted with hostility and the demons of her past. Some mistakes can never be forgiven. She just hopes that maybe this one can.

Story inspired by Clearwillow​’s “New Moon Ride”, written with permission and for the March 14, 2020 White Day celebration…and slowly uploaded much sooner…

Read parts 1-8 here

One Last Ride - Part Nine

"Putt putt is just as good as bowling," Souta reassured everyone as they left the bowling alley, all the lanes already taken.

"You sure kid?" Inuyasha pressed. "We could come back later or another day."

Souta shot him a look to say that he didn't think they'd make it to another outing. When Inuyasha returned to the Higurashis, Kagome radiated with irritation and jealousy. She wouldn't look at him the whole way to the diner, and hardly spoke more than a few words to him.

Guess it was different knowing he was dating, and seeing him kiss someone else while sober.

God it was so damn satisfying seeing her upset over this. Even though she had no damn right to be upset...and they both knew it.

"Nonsense, we're all here now...and Souta graduated today. We should do something as a family today," Mrs. Higurashi insisted, rubbing his arm. Hearing her call him family, even though he would never really be family, was nice. It warmed his heart.

He glanced over to Kagome and noticed that she was pointedly looking anywhere but at him.

"I guess we're heading to putt putt then," he replied, keeping his eyes on Kagome. "Shouldn't take too long anyways," he continued, trying to reassure her, and that made her look up at him, glaring.

"Do you have some exciting plans tonight you're looking forward to?"

"Not that the moment...but that could always change."

She was practically bristling. Fuck he loved it!

But...they needed to talk about it. She couldn't keep acting this way - it wasn't fair to Souta.

"Why don't you two go on in," Inuyasha encouraged when they got they had made their way to the indoor, space themed putt putt establishment. "We will catch up in a second," he reassured Souta and Mrs. Higurashi, grabbing Kagome's hand and pulling her around to the side of the building, away from prying eyes and ears.

"Inuyasha, what are you doing," she hissed, and he just smirked back at her.

"You're jealous," he stated, practically preening.

"What?" she replied, blinking hard as if she had misheard him.

"You. Are. Jealous," he repeated, and she furrowed her brow in confusion.

"What are you talking about? Jealous of what?"

"Kikyo."

"Why would I be jealous of her?"

"Because I kissed her," he replied, shooting her a knowing look. "I thought we talked about this…"

"We did. And I'm not. I'm happy for you. You seem happy with her," she whispered and he blinked hard. This wasn't what he was expecting. Her words were going against everything his nose and eyes had been telling him.

"I...am." He thought he was, at least…It was hard to say. He wasn't sure he really knew what happy meant anymore. He had been happy with Kagome...but he had never felt that way again. Was it even happiness?

"Good," she smiled weakly, cupping his cheek. "That's all I've ever wanted for you."

"I…"

He didn't know how he felt about that. Her jealousy he enjoyed. He knew how to process that. This...this he didn't know what to do with. He took a subtle, tentative sniff and was baffled when he couldn't detect any trace of her lying to him.

What had she been jealous about then?

"Why?"

She raised both of her eyebrows at his question, clearly surprised.

"What do you mean why?"

"Why do you want me to be happy? You haven't wanted to see me in seven years. Why do you care if I'm happy or not?"

She snatched her hand away from him, looking like he had just slapped her.

"I…" she began, swallowing hard. "I thought I was doing the right thing. For both of us. At first it was just...the thought of seeing you again hurt. Everything was too raw. Then too much time had passed, and I didn't know what I would say to you even if I did see you. I didn't think there was anything left to say...and I thought I would just be hurting both of us again."

"And you wouldn't have seen me this time if your car hadn't broken down."

"Not intentionally...no...But that doesn't mean that I don't care about your happiness Inuyasha," she insisted, her voice firm. "I'll always care about you, and I'll always want you to be happy."

"You shouldn't have left then."

She looked away from him, unable to meet his eyes.

"You know I had to…"

"You didn't though! You didn't need that fancy ass degree to do what you're doing. You could have done it all from here! We have a damn paper, don't we?"

"That's part of the problem, Inuyasha...you never could see beyond this little town."

"And that's bad how?"

"There's more out there than this! And I needed to see it before I settled down to become Mrs. Takahashi, and Papa and Gramps..." she trailed off, shaking her head, sighing. "Why is it so hard to believe that I still care about you? Maybe we don't have what we used to have, but I still care about you, Inuyasha. You still mean the world to me. You're the love of my life."

His eyes scanned her face - his breath catching in his throat.

You're.

You. Are.

Are. Not were. Not past tense.

No. That's fucking present tense.

He didn't think she meant to say that. It probably wasn't even true...But...That didn't keep his heart from betraying him and aching and wishing it were.

How fucking pathetic was that?

He closed his eyes, sighing.

He wasn't doing this again...and he wasn't going to pretend that it was a possibility to reclaim what they had.

"Ok," he whispered. "You too, you know."

"Me too what?"

"The love of my life, Kagome. You always were."

Putt putt had been going well enough so far. After their little chat, they rejoined her mother and brother, grabbing their putters and balls. Kagome volunteered to keep score, and no one was going to fight her for it.

Souta did remarkably well, getting the ball into the hole on par or under par almost every time. Mrs. Higurashi took her time, trying to make each move count, whereas Kagome was all over the place, almost as if she was intentionally trying to lose. He on the other hand, was failing miserably because she was constantly distracting him.

Not intentionally...but she was. She was all smiles and sparkling eyes and sweet melodic laughter and it was...it was just fucking distracting as shit, ok?

All it meant was that as they started the final hole, Souta was probably going to win...even though it was a hard last hole. You had to somehow maneuver your ball through an asteroid field before sinking it into a "black hole" on top of a small hill.

The kid made it in at par, and he swore that Souta had been here more than a few times to have succeeded so easily. During his turn however, he heard Mrs. Higurashi whisper to her daughter that the owner of the establishment, Hojo, had been staring at her since they had arrived. Hojo had moved here a few years back, for reasons he honestly didn't give a shit about.

"You should talk to him before we leave," she whispered to her daughter as Inuyasha began to line himself up, doing a few test swings with his putter. "Maybe give him your number?"

He didn't mean to do it. He really hadn't...but before he could find his self control, he was seeing red and he had slammed his putter into the ball, sending it hurtling across the course course and lodging itself in the wall.

"Inuyasha?" Kagome gasped, her eyes wide as he dropped the putter.

All he could do was blink in response as what he had done slowly sank in.

Oh...Oh shit...Oh fuck!

"Inuyasha, what the hell!" she snapped, and he nervously turned to face her, her tone already making him defensive. "It's called Putt Putt for a reason! You're supposed to tap it not hit it to the damn moon!"

"First of all, the moon is back that way," he began, pointing in the opposite direction of where he had hit the ball, towards the moon themed hole. "Second, I don't know what you're talking about - that was me tapping it, woman!" he continued indignantly, trying to fight off the blush staining his cheeks from embarrassment.

"The hole in the wall would disagree! Apparently you wouldn't know how to tap something if your life depended on it!"

"Yeah? Well I did a great job up until now, didn't I?"

"Hardly! Your record begs to differ," she scoffed, shaking the scorecard.

"My 'record' is fine! It's no worse than yours!"

"Ha! I'm definitely doing better than you, buddy," she countered as Souta's snickers slowly gained volume until he was doubled over, howling. The pair turned to look at him, as Mrs. Higurashi covered her mouth with her hands, completely mortified by the duo. It was only then that they realized that everyone there had stopped to stare at them. Everyone in the whole town would hear about this before dinner.

Perfect. Just fucking perfect.

He blamed Hojo. Fucker just couldn't keep his eyes to himself, could he?

"Do you two even realize what you're saying?" the older woman whispered, frazzled, and the pair blinked hard before realization slowly washed over them. Kagome slowly turned bright red while he just stood there and smirked.

He hadn't, but he did now...and his "record" wasn't half bad.

"I think we should call this a day," Kagome groaned, rubbing her temples, and everyone agreed, returning their gear to the front desk where he apologized and promised to come back the next day and fix the damage.

Just because he didn't like Hojo didn't mean he wasn't a little remorseful for what he had done. He was pretty sure his mother would make him anyways.

As they were leaving, he couldn't help himself, however.

"You know Kagome, I've never had any complaints about my tapping skills…"

"Yeah? Well there's a first for everything."

He was almost afraid he'd have to carry Souta to the car.

He did walk with them back to where they parked, but declined their earlier invitation to drop him off at the auto shop to pick up the sedan.

"I think I'm just gonna walk. It's nice out," he reassured them, giving Souta a hug before whispering into his ear that he had hidden a case of beer in the stable for him. The boy immediately hugged him that much harder, voicing his thanks and his promise to be careful sneaking it out. No one wanted to get in trouble with their respective mothers...but it was tradition to go with your friend group into the woods and drink yourself stupid the night of graduation. He didn't want Souta to have to mooch off of others, and he would have plenty to share with a case. Maybe even a few leftover?

Eh. Who was he kidding.

It wouldn't make it to sunrise.

He had gotten so shitfaced with Kagome the day they graduated...He hoped Souta wouldn't do anything as stupid as them. After they left their friends, he and Kagome had gone to the cliffs drunk off their asses and he stripped down to their underwear. He picked her up, and ran as fast as he could, jumping off the edge and diving into the lake below.

It had been exhilarating...and incredibly stupid. They could have died, but when you're drunk off your ass…

That night had been amazing though. When they resurfaced, letting out holars and whoops of joy, he remembered taking her face between his hands and kissing her deeply. Passionately. To the point where they both struggled to breathe.

Their hands glided over their skin...heat radiating off of their palms as they explored the familiar terrain of their partner. He remembered her legs wrapping around his hips, pulling him a bit further down into the water, and his ears folded down flat, trying to stay dry. Eventually, under the light of the moon, they decided to return to shore. He could still vividly remember her rising out of the water like some damn Goddess. Her black hair curled around her shoulders in long tendrils. Her white, lacy undergarments left nothing to the imagination, and he remembered watching the sway of her hips as she, somehow, gracefully rose from the water and walked onto the shore.

He stared at her for a moment when she turned around. Her nipples had pebbled into hard peaks, and he remembered watching a bead of water roll down from her shoulder to the valley between her breasts...and another from the hem of her bra down the planes of her stomach to the top of her panties. He could distinctly see the shape of her sex through the soaked white fabric...and that was all it took before he was on her, pulling her down.

Their mouths were hot, their tongues battling each other. Their teeth scraping against their flesh. His hands pulled her breasts free from the confines of her wet bra so he could taste her wet skin. His fang drew delicate circles around her hardened tips, his tongue quickly soothing its path. Her hands slipped below the waistband of his underwear to tug his hardened length as his fingers pulled the crotch of hers to the side to find her bundle of nerves. They groaned together in need, their hands working together in unison. He peppered kisses and nips across her chest as their hands continued to pull each other closer and closer to the nirvana he so desperately wanted them to achieve, but it wasn't enough. He stopped her, whimpering into the crook of her neck how he desperately wanted more than this.

He wanted her, had asked her if she were ready to go further...and to this day he swore she was going to say yes when he heard the irate sound of his brother yelling at him.

Fuck that hadn't been fun.

He dove down on top of Kagome to give her a chance to try and shrug back into her bra as Sesshomaru yelled about how bad it reeked and responsibility and asked them what the hell they were thinking and berating them about staying out so damn late (it was almost four in the goddamn morning!) and how he was being an irresponsible little prick. His mother was back home, worried sick out of her mind, and had sent both him and his father to go look for him.

Yeah...that night had landed him in a world of trouble.

Somehow he doubted Souta would be as foolish though.

When he let go of Souta, he hugged Mrs. Higurashi, thanking her for her including him in all of the fun, and he parted by telling her he'd see her the next day, bright and early, as usual.

That left Kagome…

He was at a loss. Did he hug her? Shake her hand?

What?

"Inuyasha...can I talk to you for a second before you go?"

"Yeah…" he replied awkwardly, letting her take his hand and pull him away from her family and over a few cars.

He felt apprehension pull in the pit of his stomach when she decided they were far enough away, stopping to look him in the eye. He watched her fists clench and unclench at her sides as she seemed to try and figure out what the hell she wanted to tell him.

"Inuyasha," she finally began, "I wanted to tell you this at some point today, but I never really found a good opportunity for it. I...do you remember how I told you I was asking my boss if I could work from here for a while?"

"Yeah," he nodded, crossing his arms over his chest in an attempt to ignore the twisting in the pit of his stomach.

"Well...I can stay for three months. Provided I can keep up with my workload from them. Summer is the slow season with double issues and…"

...and he stopped paying attention as she continued to ramble. She was staying? Or at least coming back for a little bit? He knew he could handle a few weeks, but three months?

Where the hell did she work that would let her stay here for three months? In a different time zone no less! He felt lightheaded. Were his ears ringing? He thought his ears might have been ringing.

"...so I wanted to know if we should work out a schedule or something? If you wanted to avoid seeing me? I know you start in the morning - what time do you normally leave? Inuyasha? Are you listening to me?"

"Um...yeah," he breathed sighing, shoving his hands into his pockets. "Whatever you want."

"That's not what I'm asking, Inuyasha," she smiled weakly. "What do you want to do?"

She was leaving the decision completely up to him, huh? Letting him decide if he wanted to see her, or pretend she didn't exist?

Well...she hadn't existed for the last seven years. And they were barely civil as it was.

"I leave sometime around ten."

"Ok then," she nodded. "So...I guess unless I run into you as you're leaving, this is...This is goodbye?"

"Yeah...I think so," he replied slowly, disliking the bitter taste in his mouth - the awkwardness of the words felt coming off of his tongue.

"Ok then…" she repeated, not sure what to do with herself now, but he saw the look in her eyes. He knew she wanted to say something, but was holding herself back.

"What is it, Kagome," he gently prodded, and a lite blush dusted her cheeks. "What do you want to say?"

"I...Nothing, really. I just…" she sighed, pushing her hair behind her ears as she looked down at their feet before finally gaining the will to say what was on her mind. "I really am happy for you, you know. With Kikyo. Happy that you're happy. I really do want that for you, and even though she was never my favorite person—"

"—Why didn't you like Kikyo?" he interrupted, and her brows rose in surprise.

"...Really?"

"Yeah. I mean, I never paid her much mind, but you...You never liked her. Could never figure it out."

"Because she was always trying to take you away from me," she smiled wryly.

"Huh?" he blinked. "I mean...I remember one time she tried to kiss me—"

"—She what?"

"Oh come on…" he sighed. Why couldn't they leave things on at least somewhat amicable terms? "Kagome, it was years ago and we ain't together anymore…"

"Oh I know," she ground out. "But why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I freaked out on her and she told me she wasn't and...Why does this even matter now?"

"You're right. It doesn't. She won in the end anyways, it would seem."

He knew it! She was jealous! She still wanted him!

Wait...He couldn’t...No - she didn’t. She was just acting this way because of their past. It was nothing more than a knee jerk reaction. Still...his felt his heart begging to believe it and for him to make it better somehow. 

He subtly sniffed the air and looked around, and when he was sure no one else was there, he hooked a finger under her chin, tilting her face up as he leaned down to press another last kiss to her lips. It was sweet and chaste and lingering...and it made his heart ache that much more.

God this had been a mistake...It felt like every time he saw her, he was kissing her goodbye. Even if that wasn't true. Two out of three times wasn't a good record. 

Fuck! What the hell was wrong with him?

Why couldn’t he...Why was he acting like this?

Kissing Kikyo, kissing Kagome...This wasn’t like him. He felt his mind and his heart fighting for control over his body and it left him doing stupid shit like this. 

Why was he constantly needing to remind himself that he was over her? That she meant nothing to him anymore? 

When he pulled away from her, he could smell the sadness and confusion in her sent as well as he could see it on her face.

"There. Now you're even," he explained, and she chuckled bitterly, crossing her arms over her chest as she looked away from him.

"Yeah...I guess we are."

"Yeah," he agreed, not sure what to do with the ache in his chest now. Guess it was a good thing he was walking. Some time and some air would do him some good. "You take care, Higurashi," he smiled weakly, and she looked back up at him and took his hand, giving it a light squeeze.

"You too, Inuyasha."

___________________

Putt putt inspired by and written for Clearwillow just like the rest of this damn story because it’s an ode to Carra...let’s be real guys. Let’s just call it what it is and own this...

I think this was lighter too but who the hell knows anymore. I’m just going to stop commenting on it. 

One last part today - the WIP! It’s totally unedited and 100% not finished.

Wall of tags! Let me know if you want in or out!

(If you get tagged in this post after requesting tags, it’s because that’s how I’m keeping track of them. If you requested a tag and aren’t there, I might not have seen it so please ask again!)

@clearwillow, @keichanz, @dangerouspompadour, @nartista, @kaze-ranna, @superpixie42, @sticky-llama-perfection, @pinkpigeonstudio, @mcornilliac, @itzatakahashi, @zelink-inukag, @juliatheanimelover7, @csim28, @smmahamazing, @the-lucky-ones311, @cyncyn981, @animemomma96, @ayari17, @underwater0phelia, @sailorbabydoll92, @l-taisho29, @clearwillow, @animelove1313, @littlemissinukag, @gofoulpuppycollector​, @umacaking​, @chanin29​

[argentconflagration]

Aziraphale and (Sexual) Innocence

(Thanks to @ineffable-endearments for some key insights and a lot of encouragement!)

[Read on AO3]

As we all know, one of the biggest things that changed from the book to the show is that in the show, the relationship between Aziraphale and Crowley is written as a love story. Now, of course, that doesn't necessarily imply anything sexual (and I think there's a lot of interesting things to be written about a reading of their relationship as specifically a nonsexual love story!). 

On the other hand, the interpretation of them as having either literally or metaphorically a sexual relationship is (I would say intentionally) presented to the viewer as a potential lens for viewing the story. In your average romance arc, the characters are understood to be sexually attracted to each other, and if it's at all targeted toward adults, the viewer is generally intended to assume that the characters sleep with each other at the end of the story (whether it's shown onscreen or not). In Good Omens, there are a few obviously sexually-charged elements during the course of the love story (the statue in Crowley's flat, Crowley slamming Aziraphale against a wall, etc.). At the end, Aziraphale goes back to Crowley's flat, and by morning they've entered each other's bodies. Literally sexual? Not necessarily. Metaphorically sexual? Yeah kinda. 

So let's talk about knowing, in the Biblical sense and otherwise. 

(Just as a quick note: this analysis is show-based— assume I'm referring to the show except where I specifically mention the book.)

Crowley is the serpent of Eden, who tempts others to eat of the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, and thereby introduces sin into the world. I'm hardly the first one to point out that Aziraphale and Crowley's relationship involves Crowley persistently (but not insistently!) tempting Aziraphale into the knowledge of good and evil. He fell for asking questions, continues to question the Almighty's decisions throughout the show, and in general represents a force of knowledge and free will, for humanity, for himself, and for Aziraphale. 

To quote the linked post:

"Why was the apple forbidden food? It gave the knowledge of good and evil. It enabled them to choose for themselves instead of blindly obeying orders. Why is Crowley forbidden company? He does the same."

Crowley is the serpent, the tempter, but he is also the apple, the forbidden fruit of which Aziraphale is not allowed to partake. He offers free will to Aziraphale, starting from the very beginning when he (unintentionally) reassures Aziraphale that he can't do the wrong thing, up until the very end when Aziraphale tells him that he has accomplished his temptation.

By the way, why is the apple an apple, anyway? Many people know, and I’m sure Pratchett and Gaiman knew, that Genesis doesn’t specify a kind of fruit. Rather, the image of a shiny red apple is a product of millennia of religious interpretation. It largely comes to us through Paradise Lost, and has now long since been cemented in pop culture. Using the apple as a recurring motif in Good Omens tells us that we’re not meant to understand this as a commentary on the most literal translation of the Bible, but on Christian culture as a whole, including the parts that wildly diverge from the source text. 

And you can't talk about cultural Christianity for long without talking about purity culture. There's a lot that can be written about purity culture, but I'm going to focus on the idea that the opposite of sinful knowledge and agency is ignorant innocence and inaction. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, says purity culture. It's okay if other people suffer, so long as your own hands are clean, says purity culture. 

Perhaps the most obvious instance of Crowley trying to shake Aziraphale out of this mentality is all the way back in 3004 BC, at the Flood. Crowley tries to make Aziraphale aware of good and evil— God is going to kill the kids, and that's wrong (and right and wrong can be known outside of simply adhering unquestioningly to what God says). Aziraphale defends his innocence by appealing to ignorance: the Almighty's plans are ineffable, so Aziraphale can't question them, and he's not going to do anything about it. He's trying to stay in the pre-Fall state, without knowledge, free will, or sin.

Over and over, Aziraphale can be seen engaging in basically useless, performative behavior for the sake of not being directly implicated in evil deeds. When he resists the Arrangement, it's not because it will have any meaningful impact on the world for good or evil. But it causes Aziraphale to be directly involved in evil, and it's against the rules. Similarly, he tries to persuade Crowley (and later Shadwell) to kill the Antichrist, and Crowley to vanish the airbase guard, rather than doing it himself— not because the outcome will be different, but because he wants to preserve his image of himself as pure and holy. (Worth mentioning is that this characterization is way more pronounced in the show than in the book— in the book he gives only half a line of lukewarm resistance to the idea of vanishing the soldier himself before he does it.)

But back to sex, like I promised. 

There's no two ways about it— Christian purity culture is largely about sex.  So we might expect Good Omens to make some sort of commentary on the most pronounced aspect of Christian purity culture— the measuring of people's goodness based on their lack of experience (i.e. knowledge) of sexual things specifically. And what we see is that here, too, Aziraphale tries to preserve an image of himself as pure, while Crowley tries to shake him out of that mindset. 

In presenting himself as human, Aziraphale presents himself as a gay man. In general, stereotypes of gay men are hypersexualized, but the specific tropes that Aziraphale draws upon are sexless, neutered, and nonthreatening. This is epitomized by Anathema's narration (in the book) as she parts ways with Aziraphale and Crowley after the bike crash. She's very wary of getting in a car with two strange men at night, and treats the two with suspicion and hostility throughout the encounter, but concludes that "She had been perfectly safe after all" when she reads them as a gay couple. 

(It's not only because of Heaven's expectations that Aziraphale presents himself this way, of course (perhaps not even mostly). He doesn't want to hurt people. He'd rather avoid a war than win it, give away his sword than use it to drive away humans, go to lunch with the Adversary than thwart him— he is, in a word, soft. And after all, on a textual level, a sexual relationship with Crowley wouldn't be forbidden because it's sex, but because it's Crowley— it's specifically his choice of lover that Heaven would have an issue with, presenting an obvious analogy to gay identity that Aziraphale could hardly avoid picking up on. Like most aspects of Aziraphale's self-presentation, his presentation as a gay man reflects both his idea of what a Good Angel should be and who he really is.)

But in addition to presenting himself to humans in a desexualized way, Aziraphale also sets himself up as the sexual gatekeeper in his and Crowley's relationship (assuming a sexual reading of the relationship arc, that is). Christian purity culture expects women to be gatekeepers against men's sexuality, protecting both men and women from the sinfulness that is sexuality (outside of very narrow parameters). While gender is more fluid than that in Good Omens, the angel/demon binary is strong, and Aziraphale and Crowley constantly wrestle with it. Aziraphale takes it upon himself – as an angel – to protect the both of them against Crowley’s interest in furthering the relationship. 

I should mention here that Heaven's initial purpose in placing Aziraphale on earth was literally to guard a gate, and that Aziraphale immediately wanted nothing to do with that role.

And, just as he does in other matters, Crowley offers Aziraphale a way out. He doesn't pressure or force Aziraphale— he wants him to make his own decisions. Aziraphale says, "You go too fast for me." Aziraphale says, "Don't go unscrewing the cap"— i.e. "I'm ready for this, but I'm not ready for everything." 

When, finally, Aziraphale and Crowley spend the night together, when they inhabit each other's bodies, when they defy Heaven and Hell together, it's the culmination of a lot of things. For Aziraphale, it's the acceptance of the knowledge that Crowley has been trying to impart to him the whole time. Know me, Crowley says. And know yourself. The fear of falling (from Heaven, from Eden, in love) has been overcome— there never was an apple that wasn't worth the trouble you got into for eating it.  

In conclusion, Crowley said fuck the expectations of purity culture, sexual and otherwise. Now, go forth and write thematically resonant smut. It's what Michael Sheen would want. 

[drrrsecretsanta2019]

Holiday Kiss, my secret santa gift for Bree

Tucked away in a dark spot between two kiosks, Shizuo checks the notes and coins in his hand trying to figure out how many rides they can get him into. He’s left most of the money his mother gave him earlier this afternoon with his little brother; it seemed only fair given that he had gone to the fair with the intention of abandoning him. Kasuka will be fine, he knows, and that reassuring thought keeps him from feeling too guilty about intentionally lagging behind until the rest of the company, composed of his little brother and their cousins, had lost him completely. The chances are they will only look for him when their time of departure approaches. Kasuka is bright enough to guess that his older brother has disappeared on purpose and their cousins are unlikely to lament the loss of his company, except perhaps when an opportunity to mock him comes up and he’s nowhere to be seen, depriving them of the vicious pleasure of watching him seethe, unable to do anything to vent his frustration. Despite him thinking that he is entirely incapable of self-control, Shizuo has proven to his mother on countless occasions that he can restrain himself in order to not embarrass her or hurt her feelings. She has never told her son, but she often wishes the world was more understanding, less cruel towards her sweet older boy who can be the most loving young man if given the opportunity but can just as easily explode in rage if faced with injustice. What she has told him is that people are often cruel by defense, to hide their insecurities, and that deep down everyone is flawed and scared, and he tries his best to always remember it.

He’s still struggling with the simple maths of how many rides the amount in his possession translates into when he catches a voice that has adrenaline coursing through his veins and drowning away any hints of coherency. He snaps his head to the direction of said voice, already seeing red, but stumbles upon confusion as he’s faced with a rather unexpected image and it’s only then that he registers the words he’s hearing.

“Now, you will both stay close – no running away on a whim, Mairu! If you’re not holding my hand, I want you to be maximum two steps ahead of me.”

“Izaya-kun?”

This is perhaps the calmest he has ever sounded with that name on his tongue. Izaya must recognize his voice just as easily, because he freezes immediately, going completely still for a moment as he’s hunched over. Then he whips around to face Shizuo while simultaneously stretching his hands out a bit on his sides, as if to protect the small figures behind him from the beast before them.

“Sh-shizu-chan?” he stutters, his face a pale white devoid of any emotion other than apprehension. “I am here with my sisters” he adds quickly, clearly in an attempt to deter Shizuo from causing a scene and oblivious to the fact that Shizuo himself has no such intention.

“I can see that”, he says instead, a bright smile on his face as he sends a friendly nod to the two faces obscured be Izaya’s outstretched arms. “Hello” he adds as he ducks to get a better look. The girls peer at the stranger behind the barrier of their brother, gazes inquisitive and perceptive, one closed-off and the other mischievous. It’s the mischievous one who steps forward first, ignoring her brother’s attempt to keep her hidden by shifting his weight.

“Are you friends with Iza-nii?”

There’s a short pause, during which the other girl also steps forward, with a look on her face that reminds Shizuo a little of his brother, until he finally shrugs and replies lightly “we have some common friends”. It’s not a lie, but it’s not exactly the answer to the question posed either. But the girls seem content anyway, the one with mischief clear in her eyes nodding enthusiastically and greeting him with a joyful hi as the other one simply blinks.

“We’re here to kill a couple of hours. The fair is big enough to fit us both, so let’s just steer clear of each other and call it a ceasefire for New Year’s Eve.”

Izaya sounds composed, but the look on his face is too rigid to be anything but anxious. The similarity between the three siblings is uncanny. Shizuo knows from Shinra that Izaya’s sisters are identical twins, but he didn’t expect them to also look so much like their brother. Especially the one with braided long hair could be a spitting image of him when he was her age.

“That’s fine” he says, his eyes still on the tiny girls gazing up at him. “I’m also just killing some time.”

“On your own? Can’t you find even a single person to put up with you during the holidays?” Izaya scoffs, some of the customary hostility they share having returned to his posture. Shizuo chooses to ignore it and explains calmly that he’s lost his company and before he’s finished speaking he has two Orihara girls clinging to his legs.

“You can come with us!” the talkative one exclaims as her sister joins her in a chorus for the last two words.

“I’m sure he has better things to do”, Izaya provides, arms crossed in front of his chest, but Shizuo is fast to disprove him.

“I don’t, actually.” He watches Izaya’s eyes widen comically before turning to the little girls still clinging onto him. “I’d love to tag along, if your brother’s ok with that.” It’s cheap of him, he knows. Izaya would probably agree to jumping off the roof to save himself from his sisters’ wailing. But he’ll take what he can.

Unsurprisingly, Izaya is broody for the first several minutes of their joint wandering. The girls are overexcited with the unexpected addition of a new member to their company and with the variety of options around them, bouncing eagerly from one side to the other, arguing between themselves about which rides they should go to and what sweets they should buy from the kiosks, while Izaya follows them closely, sulking in a very uncharacteristic manner. Shizuo manages to extract the names of the girls from him – Mairu, the one with the braid, and Kururi, the quiet one – and their age – 6. Shizuo watches him from the corner of his eye, walking beside him with his shoulders tense and his jaw set, as if ready for a fight. He’s never been blind to Izaya’s good looks, but it’s always been easy to look past them and focus on his annoying antics instead. But out here, in the middle of a crowded fair, with Christmas lights casting golden and crimson hues along Izaya’s pale face, it’s hard to think of anything else. With Izaya on the defensive there are no biting comments, no sarcastic smirks, only a handsome boy walking next to him, quietly watching his sisters ahead of him. It’s endearing really.

“Your sisters are fun.” Izaya tenses next to him, but keeps quiet. “I have never seen you with them before.”

“Do you spend your free time stalking me, Shizu-chan?”

Deep down everyone is flawed and scared, he repeats his mother’s words to himself and chuckles. “I just mean that I could never picture you this way. I have a little brother myself-”

“I know”, Izaya cuts him off with cold indifference, as if this brief exchange has managed to bore him already. “How come he’s not tailing you? Does your mother not force you to take him along with you everywhere?”

It sounds like a typical, if somewhat petty, older brother complaint and Shizuo finds himself feeling amused. “He’s somewhere around here with our cousins.”

When Izaya turns to look straight at him, Shizuo feels as if the world has momentarily stopped turning. His eyes look unnaturally bright as they reflect the neon signs around them and the way he stares openly at Shizuo’s face, it’s as if he’s reaching into his mind and caressing every thought of his. “Not a very good company, I guess?” He’s shrugging before Shizuo has had the chance to offer a reply, turning away to follow his sisters to one of the kiosks selling soft ice, scoffing family is overrated over his shoulder and the moment Shizuo thinks they shared is gone just like that.

Between arguing about which rides are best suited for the twins’ age and munching on jelly beans and soft ice and chocolate bars and pretty much anything sugar-loaded available, they end up not going to that many rides after all. They agree on the least exciting-looking roller coaster, one that is clearly destined for the younger ages, and Mairu is practically furious about said choice, as if this specific roller coaster constitutes a personal insult for her. But it’s the only one her brother will allow her on and she’s been bugging them about getting on a roller coaster since the moment they arrived, so she gives in eventually. Shizuo sits with Kururi behind Izaya who is vainly trying to restrain Mairu next to him. It’s not that bad, after all. Kururi has a wide grin on her face throughout the ride while Mairu squeals incessantly, throwing her arms in the air and howling like a wolf, but it’s Izaya’s crystalline laughter that echoes in Shizuo’s ears even after they’ve climbed out of their seats and moved on to buy tickets to the Ferris wheel. Mairu climbs in with Shizuo this time and gives him multiple heart attacks by swinging her legs non-stop, making their car rock precariously from side to side. They get the girls on the carousel afterwards, standing by next to each other and watching them ride on their fake horses with huge grins on their faces.

“You could have gotten on the more exciting rides on your own” Izaya says at some point, but there’s no mocking lilt in his voice, no malice, just a matter-of-fact statement. “You would have probably had more fun.”

“Nah. I’m having a good time as it is.”

The girls come running shortly after and they’re off to find the next ride to spend their money on, but Izaya’s gaze lingers on Shizuo as they move on.

As they’re passing by the shooting games, Mairu suddenly starts jumping up and down, her little arm extended in the air and pointing at something. “Iza-nii, I want THAT!” she’s shrieking within seconds, grabbing her brother’s pants and pulling him towards one of the games. There’s a metallic headband with deer ears and antlers hanging along with an assortment of plushies and hats at the back, which serve as prizes for those who manage to shoot down a number of targets. “They’re so beautiful!” she croons and Shizuo can see why. The antlers are long and thin, painted rose gold. The ears are fluffy, made of a combination of felt and faux fur, and sprinkled with stardust. The top of the headband is decorated with small silk flowers, of different sizes and colors. It’s certainly cheap and flimsy, as all carnival prizes tend to be, but it still looks like someone put great care into making it.

“Elf” Kururi mutters, joining her sister in front of the kiosk and pointing at an elf hat, complete with pointy ears, just a bit to the right of the deer headband.

Izaya sighs, exasperated with his sisters’ antics, but asks how much it costs to try his luck anyway. When the clearly bored employee hands him a shotgun, Izaya turns to extend it to Shizuo. “Come on, Shizu-chan, show us what you’ve got.”

Needless to say, Shizuo fails miserably. He manages to shoot down one target and is a second away from splitting the toy gun in half by the time he runs out of bullets. The twins are close to tears from disappointment, but Izaya looks sorely amused. He pays for another round, places the gun against his shoulder, takes aim and keeps entirely still for a second, before pulling the trigger and missing the first target by a hair. He remains calm and still despite the disappointed sounds his sisters make. He adjusts his position quietly, not losing his concentration, takes a deep breath and holds it before pulling the trigger and shooting down the first target. The twins scream with excitement and start jumping up and down excitedly, while Shizuo whistles his approval. Izaya ignores their reactions completely and continues in the same pace until he’s shot down all targets and won the headband for Mairu and then reluctantly pays for another round to win Kururi’s elf hat as well.

“You’re really good!” Shizuo exclaims when Izaya turns around to join them, handing over Kururi’s prize.

“And you’re predictably terrible” is what Izaya offers in reply, but his mood is clearly lighter than before as he basks in the awe-stricken stares of the crowd that has gathered to watch him shoot one target after the other.

“Where did you learn to shoot like that?”

“Didn’t you know? When I’m not wrecking Raijin with you, I’m a hitman for the yakuza.”

Despite his tone dripping with sarcasm, Shizuo has the sinking feeling that it wouldn’t be too farfetched for Izaya. It must show on his face because Izaya laughs at him like a madman.

Half an hour later, they’re sitting at a picnic bench facing each other, watching the girls run around with other kids not far from them. A comfortable silence has descended between them and Shizuo thinks to himself that Izaya is almost nice to be around when he’s not actively trying to piss him off. He lets his gaze wander to the boy sitting opposite him, studying his profile as the other is busy watching his sisters with a look that resembles affection too closely to look anything but foreign on him.

“This was nice.”

Izaya doesn’t refute this, but he keeps silent long enough to get Shizuo worried. His gaze is still following his sisters although his attention has clearly shifted. He drums his fingers on the table between them and hums skepticism in the back of his throat. “And it’s back to normal after the holidays, right?” He only cuts his gaze to Shizuo when his question goes unanswered and coming face to face with confusion he continues “Me pissing you off, you trying to kill me. Life at Raijin as we know it.”

Izaya’s features are set in hard resolve and his expression feels out of place in their current setting. He looks almost upset and Shizuo is shaking his head rendered weak with uncertainty. “It doesn’t have to be.”

Izaya’s jaw tenses, he averts his gaze to stare at the surface of the table instead, pressing his lips tight together as if to keep himself from saying something he’ll regret. Shizuo thinks he should say something, but as he opens his mouth, still uncertain of what’s going to come out of it, Izaya’s cell phone starts ringing and the moment is gone. As Izaya checks the screen for the caller’s identity and grimaces irritation, the twins arrive running at the table chanting a chorus of mom.

“Hello? Yes, hi mother” Izaya speaks into the receiver rolling his eyes and swatting his sisters’ hands away from him and the device. “Have you just landed? Alright, we’ll see you at home then.” The girls have fisted their little hands in his coat and are trying to pull him away from the table even before he’s hung up, Kururi murmuring late while Mairu alternates between shrieking with joy and berating her brother for not taking them home earlier. “They have just landed at the airport. They are still waiting for their luggage and they need at least an hour to get home from there, so stop dragging me!” They let go of him eventually, but they stay hovering by the table, eager to leave asap, so Izaya stands begrudgingly. “I guess it’s time we left, Shizu-chan.”

“It was nice meeting you, girls” Shizuo says as he gets up and then squats to be at the same level with the twins, trying his best to conceal his disappointment at having this evening cut short. He finds it easier than he originally thought as the twins throw themselves at him, hugging him tightly and wishing him a happy new year. Mairu goes on to heatedly explain that their parents are coming back for the New Year celebrations and they have to rush back home to welcome them and Shizuo can’t help but smile goofily at her excitement. Kururi just looks up at him and takes the hat off her head to place it on his. Present is all she says, but her eyes make it clear that she will not take no for an answer, so Shizuo thanks her and leaves the hat on. He hears Izaya chuckling above him, but Mairu is jumping on the table next thing he knows and when he looks up, Izaya has the deer antlers propped on his head, looking surprised and adorable. It’s Shizuo’s turn to chuckle, but as Izaya’s eyes narrow with irritation he states “you look cute” and watches color rise in the other’s face.

“If you tell anyone, I’ll kill you.” Shizuo takes it for the empty threat it is and just smiles.

“Leave it on, it suits you” and he takes a step forward, effectively stepping into Izaya’s personal space, leaning in to plant a kiss on his cheek. Izaya starts, shocked at the close proximity and clearly not knowing what to expect, and the kiss lands not exactly on his cheek, but at the corner of his lips, leaving the both of them embarrassed as the girls stare at them with matching devilish grins. “Happy New Year”, Shizuo blurts before turning to leave, to go find his brother and cousins so they can all leave together, the image of Izaya looking literally like a deer caught in the headlights imprinted on his memory.

DRRRSecretSanta2019: A lovely fic for @breedafool by Astroenergy! Thank you so much for participating!!

[thesagedahlia]

💢Ari & GHerbo Saga💢

Now I won't lie to you, I don't know these people, nor have I ever cared. I thought this was just another "bitter baby mama" love triangle, & I've been seeing that alot, via my own intuitive hits. Ari breeds this energy that she is toxic, but I'm not going to put all the blame onto her; she is a hurt woman & GHerbo never struck me as innocent when it came to her. Guys are guys, & they all have some manipulative tendencies, & if we pull his chart up, that Scorpio Mars screams manipulation. Plus, his Libra stellium can be the culprit in him being so favorable in the public, but that Libra sun with an Aries moon feels aggresive (same placements as Cardi B, might I add). But Ari's Cancer stellium is emotional, moody & reactive emotionally. & her moon is in Capricorn, so their compatibility with their suns & moons ALONE is a Cardinal square, (cardinal signs being Aries, Cancer, Libra, & Capricorn), & that is a lot of aggression on both side, & of course, that shit clashes. That being said, they are a without a doubt a toxic couple, so I do feel this isn't the end for them & their drama, after all there IS a child involved. Let me close this out by saying this: anything that I say in this reading DOES NOT have to manifest, but this IS what my cards picked up at the time when I was pulling on this situation. Also, if I'm wrong, I'm wrong, & I never want to be right about the things I picked up on because it's all very messy. So at this time, you, the reader, can decide for yourself from this point on; does Ari feel she will ever be as spiteful as this, do you think any of the behind the scenes messiness that I picked up on, & do you believe that actions speak louder than words? If you can't stand someone talking about your fave & feel like I'm being a "hater" or an "assumer" in this reading, this is where you can get off. If you want to use your intuition & are curious about what I picked up on, keep reading. The worst has yet to come. It's also important to note that energy fluctuates & doesn't stay the same all the time, so again; this does NOT have to manifest in the way that I've picked up.

**DISCLAIMER**

I am not declaring, nor am I insinuating, that anything I say in my predictions are true accounts of any of the parties involved. This reading is for entertainment purposes only, & should be only taken as such. All in good fun, folks 🤷🏾‍♀️🧿

💢Energy surrounding Ari & GHerbo💢

It's not really a secret that they aren't on a good accord at the moment. I think there is more to the story when it comes to certain arrangements they made. Even after countless times of trying to mend their relationship for the sake of their child (& maybe for other more personal reasons), it just ended up being repeated cycles of hostility that brings nothing but burdens. This may sound a little messy, but I don't think GHerbo was completely finished dealing with Ari at times. I think a lot of Ari's frustration comes from him being (or trying to be) back & forth between her & Tania. It's even possible that there was a (a-HEM) "exchange" between Ari & GHerbo, behind Tania's back. I think there is much grief & anxiety over the fact that Tania is getting the financial security with GHerbo (either that or security in general) or her being able to splurge on him the way she does, while Ari isn't necessarily getting the respect she feels she deserves. I have a feeling there is a lot of a front when it comes to how Ari truly feels, & I do feel like she is bothered by their relationship in some way. It's almost like she believes that they intentionally do things to spite & play games with her. There seems to be unfinished business & that of course can pertain to the child they have together, but I get the feeling that Ari & GHerbo dealt with each other long after he got with Tania. I remember when news broke about the altercation the two had, & I'm feeling GHerbo was completely finished dealing with her after that. I also believe that there were personal things that took place leading up to it; there is much hurt surrounding it. I feel GHerbo is doing his best to ignore Ari, & I also get a sense that she hurt him in some way. He doesn't seem to want anything to do with her at this time. I get a feeling Ari is coming for GHerbo, & she may even get the courts involved this time. I feel like she is scorned & is wanting to hit him where it hurts. What she is planning on accomplishing will compromise their relationship as coparents, & even friends if that is still there. I feel a plot coming to fruition & she is working with other people (possibly lawyers). Ari is coming up with the way to control the situation & it may be made public. She may be trying to come after him financially for any distress he may have caused her. I feel like she is planning to take him to court because she feels he is either ignoring his responsibilities, or doing certain things just to spite her. She's keeping her cards close to her chest, but I feel she is speaking with lawyers. I feel the two aren't speaking with each other & there isn't much balance in the relationship. He completely cut her off, I'm getting, which makes Ari feels that anything she sees of him on social media is in spite of her. She has some secrets on GHerbo that she has yet to bring to light & it may have to do with some unresolved feelings for one another.

💢Ari's feelings toward GHerbo💢

Although she's blessed for her son, I see regret in dealing with GHerbo. I see broken promises that she feels she needs to heal from, though I don't feel that it's over for her. I have a feeling that she may want sole custody of their son & is working on her own foundation. She does feel she lost out on the family aspect if being with GHerbo & think there was a part of her that wanted to marry him. Now I think she is after him financially (or sole custody) so when that is revealed, it will end there relationship for good. She feels like claiming what is rightly hers, & it may bring things in front of a judge. I don't feel like it is what she wants to do, but it is what it's come down to.

💢GHerbo's feelings toward Ari💢

Well...he feels like he wants to say something to her & get back on good terms, for the sake of their child, I feel like he still cares about Ari, but he is moving forward from her. She is coming at him through social media, which is keeping him far away from her, but I do feel like he wants to make things right. I do feel like he made the right decision to move on from her, but I think he could be feeling on the fence about it. There was a part of him that didn't want to end things with her. I also feel like he was giving to both her & Tania at the same time at one point. I think he is having patience at this time, when reconciling with her, but I see that he is focused on his relationship with Tania. He's trying to be strong in this time, because he wants to speak with her. I feel he's happy in his relationship, but he could also be feeling overwhelmed by his situation. I think he feels like their connection is strong enough to withstand the test of time, but I also get the feeling that he misses her (even if only slightly), but he is keeping his focus away from her.

💢How does Ari feel about GHerbo & Tania as a couple💢

The relationship was definitely a disruption for her & it may have been kept from her before they made it official. She is completely defensive against this relationship because there is a element of not being aware of their relationship in the first place. She had a feeling, when they weren't getting along much, that he was moving on elsewhere, but it still wasn't initially brought to her attention. She feels it was a way for her to rest from the situation of being with him, though he always was back & forth with her emotionally. She didn't take much of it serious at first for the simple fact that he would always go back to her, but she felt him acting out of ego. He would always want to keep the peace with her & that was something that boosted her ego; feeling like she always had one up on Tania. Again, his ego is coming up for her, almost like she feels like he willingly tries to spite her using this relationship, but she's worked on brushing shit off. I feel like she had this mindset of "he'll leave her & be back with me", but I think she is starting to come to terms with them being together longer than she originally anticipated. She still in this mindset that they won't last, but I feel she doesn't want him much anymore, though she believes he still wants her.

💢Will the situation with Ari & GHerbo be resolved💢

I feel like, again, there is some sort of stage of patience & planning where there is a delay in taking a risk that will be an irrational attempt at rectifying their own hurt feelings. Again, this feels like Ari wanting to bring judgement to what she feels is an attack against her. There is financial stability wanting to be achieved in turn for her 'pain & suffering'. Now, this could be strictly financial or she could be filing for sole custody, but I keep seeing a plot on threatening GHerbo's stability, & I keep seeing this as irrationality & taking things to a further point. I feel Ari is keeping to herself afterwards, but I still see her plotting to gain from an opportunity. She's going to allow things to play out, because she is planning on bringing a tower down. She wants shit to be balanced for her & would rather not be involved in any more conflict & mind games. She understands there will be even more ongoing stress & continued challenges, but her end goal is achieved respect in her motherhood. She's still on the fence about actually going through with it because she knows it may be a battle & she doesn't want to threaten his authority (or interrupt his duties as a father), but she feels the need to balance out the situation, because it's only going to cause her more greif. She may actually want sole custody, or would like an agreement made on paper on when GHerbo is able to see their son. It is possible that it won't be extreme in what she's planning, but she is planning on get the courts involved. I feel like she may continue to be bothered by the situation, but whether she's privately or continues to be publicly bothered, it will only add fuel to her fire. She may be talking to a lawyer as of now, if not she plans to. I get a sense that she is going to continue to stand by & watch, as her case is building. She wants her defense to be strong enough to actually have something moving & is watching for anything that she can use against him in court. She could be in the beginning stages with her lawyer (if it's come to that yet) where they are putting a strong case together, & they are gathering as much information as they can. I'm still picking up on a financial or parental battle that may take some time to develop, though in the meantime there may not be much outwardly spoken about the situation from Ari. I feel she will allow things to play out as she makes plans to take a calculated approach.

💢BONUS QUESTION: Has GHerbo ever cheated on Tania with Ari💢

I will say that it was done out of pride & ego. I do feel, again, Ari felt an ego boost whenever GHerbo would be around her, giving her attention. There was some risky situation confronted & it has overturned the balance to his current relationship. There was fun depicted in their encounter, & even though Ari was satisfied, it was kinda weighing on GHerbo after a while. You know how you still deal with your ex/bm/person that you fuck, & you feel like since you always fuck with them, you continue to, instead of moving forward in your current relationship (I mean, we shouldn't be familiar with this, but-), that's basically what goes on with them, but I feel GHerbo has been draining himself. He knows that this could potentially cause problems with his relationship, & he also feels he can't trust Ari. He does feel regret for continuing to entertain her in that way, & has put a stop to their affairs (in vulgar terms, it stopped being about his nut with her).

💢BONUS QUESTION: Will GHerbo & Tania last💢

Wherever there are people who aren't for them or are looking for them to fail, they already expect it. With that said, they still plan on moving forward. They are well aware that there is deception or envy that can come through without warning, but they are in an energy of 'building' at this point. They aren't going to let the world get to them because they feel it is them against it. They are both happy being with each other, & they make each other happy. With Ari in particular, there is hope to achieve a common ground with her, since she stands in the way of a lot of their peace. There is much struggle & burden that there is a need to balance out the situation with her in order to make things with coparenting smoother, but nothing is moving at this time; instead there's much backlash from her at this time. But again, I keep picking up that it's going to be getting worse as far as backlash, but they are still depicted as moving forward regardless of things getting tough for them.

For the final time; this DOES NOT have to manifest in the way that I have depicted. This energy can come & pass, & therefore never be addressed on this level.