#i am deeply unloved and it is my fault

[sweetlikesunflowersandhoney]

*girl who is not doing well at all voice* I should rewatch Pride and Prejudice (2009)

[tortademaracuya]

Hand in unloveable hand but you can no longer ignore you are just shaking hands with yourself

[ivystoryweaver]

🦸🏽ANYTHING on spectre marc after readers death please and thank you i am prepared for pain🫡

You burrowed in to the dark parts - the broken, unlovable parts and made him your home. You dwelled, willingly, in the dejected, despondent substance of his soul. A soulmate.

Pairing: Marc Spector x f!reader (from my fic Spectre), but can be read on its own Word Count: 430 Content: angst, major character death…maybe?

☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ

There's a part of Marc that feels more...right when he loses. When he hurts.

See, he knows how deeply flawed he is - certain he doesn't actually deserve love.

This is because he robbed his mother of Randall's love - of her ability to actually love at all.

He destroyed his once happy family

Violence and isolation followed him for the rest of his life, even after Khonshu saved him

Steven and Jake healed him to a degree, made him whole.

Then came you.

But he knew, he always knew that forever with you would exist slightly out of his grasp - there was no way someone as good as you could ever really be his, not eternally.

Still, you loved him so hard, and so good. You burrowed in to the dark parts - the broken, unlovable parts and made him your home. You dwelled, willingly, in the dejected, despondent substance of his soul. A soulmate.

You weren’t there to fix him - you wanted him just how he was, even when he withdrew, when he pushed you away or pulled back. You ebbed and flowed right along with him. He learned to grow with the fluidity of your love.

And god, he adored you. He lived for you. He moved back to the States for you, happily. He cozied up to nosy, small town residents because it made you feel at home. Every time you felt homey or happy or at peace, he felt like he was stacking a building block, restoring the family and the home he once obliterated.

Marriage terrified him. But for you, he wanted to. He saved. He bought you a ring. He almost let himself believe he could have you as a wife.

And right when he thought of how he might propose…when he allowed his dreams to take root in a shred of reality…

…your light was extinguished from the universe.

For no reason at all, you died*. You left.

You didn’t mean to. It wasn’t your fault.

On the day after he buried you, Marc sat down on the floor, in the middle of your bedroom and felt…normal.

He felt the way he’d always been expecting to feel.

This was his life. This was all he would ever have. Ever deserve.

It felt more right to lose. To hurt.

Except...he had begun to believe life with you was more right.

He suddenly had a soul he shared - a mended heart. And a lifetime of love, with no one to give it to.

And that was the moment his heart truly broke.

☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ

Ask me anything. Requests are open!

Marc Spector-Centric stories

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*Spectre readers know what actually happened here! 😉

[pinkestlittlebutterfly]

[I am terribly impatient to see Lust pair plot progression, and since the recent chapter has not given me any I have decided to be delusional and make my own; enjoy]

“I have never been loved even once in my life!” Lily yells. 

Misono can only stare, frozen. The man in front of him has no more gentle smiles and kind touches to offer, no more mocking grins and sharp words; this Lily is angry and bitter with something that might be grief. His face is contorted in a sharp-fanged grimace. His fingernails dig deeply into the hardened magic of their chairs. 

Misono has never heard him yell before. 

“The Alicein love you,” He hears himself say, and then “do they not?”

Lily laughs, brightly like the sound of shattering glass. 

“The Alicein love me no more than they’d love a pretty trinket,” He spits, “I’m nothing but their heirloom to pass to their sons and daughters. Do you think Mikage took me to those operas because he loved me so much? He only ever loved being admired for having such a pretty plaything. Mikado – Mikado tossed me aside like jewellery he thought too ugly to adorn himself with, scraps for his wife to pick at like everything else he no longer wanted! Mikuni has never seen me as more than my name, and you –”

Misono flinches, though Lily hasn’t moved from his seat. The man’s chest is heaving. His eyes are dry but his voice broke on the last word like Misono’s sometimes does when he’s about to cry. 

“You were the only one who ever came close to fooling me,” Lily whispers. “You were so kind to me. I didn’t even care when you yelled and threw books. I wanted you to love me so badly.” 

For a split second it’s too much and Lily’s face breaks and Misono sees anguish and pain and despair and thinks – he has seen this face before; at night, in the garden, when he screamed at Lily to never come near him again. 

“I’m not angry with you,” Lily says, “it’s my fault. You could never love me.” 

It feels like being ripped from a daze. Suddenly, Misono is angry. 

His Lily is hurting. What is he doing?

“So when all is said and done,” Lily continues, “you’d be foolish to think you could have changed anything. Do you understand, Misono? Nothing you can do could ever –”

“Shut up, Snow Lily!” Misono roars. 

He feels his power ripple through the remnants of their pact. For a moment, Lily’s voice fails him. For a moment, he looks triumphant.

“You are so fucking desperate to be unlovable it’s pathetic!” Misono yells. “You have never, for even a single god damn moment, stopped to consider that you’re just hurt and angry and too fucking stupid to see others’ feelings for what they are! You refuse to deal with your pain because you are a fucking coward, who spent all this time planning and scheming and still needs me to hate him to actually go through with it!” 

There’s a grim sense of satisfaction in wiping away that treacherous sense of triumph on Lily’s face, but he is not done yet. He draws another deep breath. 

“You cannot force me to fit into this fucking fantasy of yours! You cannot make me hate you!” 

He screams it with all his strength, even as he tastes blood in his throat. 

“I love you! I have always loved you and I always will! And you can hate this family and you can mock me all you want, but you will never change this!” 

[loveyourlovelysoul]

Being randomly woken up by people making sudden strong noises or using noisy items only when I am sleeping (to rush me cause they are in a sudden hurry -for nothing, but still); shouting their anger and yelling "who cares if she wakes up" (anger issues talking, but anyway...); blaming me cause I'm sleeping in after a long week of studies, would have once broke me inside and made me cry and feel so bad, lonely, unappreciated, unworthy and unloved. And made me deeply resentful.

These days though I'm realizing I'm worthy of love, no matter what. And I am worthy of sleeping as much as I need. So I am trying to give it all to myself: I'm giving myself love, accolades, gifts and the chance to sleep or take a nap anytime I feel the need to. I am taking care of myself, body and mind, cause I can. And I have to do it the way I feel it's better for me, no matter what others do or think/say. Or taught me. I need to show myself how much I am worth of and that I can do anything for myself cause I deserve that much.

And if these people cannot respect me or understand this basic need of mine that can help me function and feel better, it's not my fault. Their behaviours are all originating from their own traumas/demons: I'm not responsible for any of those, it's not my fault. And I'm not I'm less deserving or not enough because of this type of feedback I'm getting from these people: it's all coming from their problems and honestly how can someone's problem/trauma define my worth, lovability and value?

So, even if I still have to deal with these annoying behaviours, I accept them for what they are: a reaction that is not depending on me. And I don't make it mean anything about me. I don't let it get to me. And I remind myself that even if I cannot change that reaction (it's up to those people to change themselves, we cannot change people who cannot see where they are wrong in their behaviours), I can still let it exist there in the space between me and those people and not pick it up. Cause I'm the one deciding what can faze me and what not. And that's not fazing me anymore.

[i-think-im-breaking-down-again]

yooo new poem just dropped

(this is the second one, i wrote this lady night idk if it makes sense but oh well :') )

Yeah, I read this twice then stared at the wall for 15 mins. Excuse me while I perform CPR on myself. Actually never mind, I'm signing a DNR. This was so raw, vivid and vulnerable. I am shooketh to the very core. It's like you are around me and spying on my life smh. I refer to my rot as this 'sickness' and let me let you know. This resonated deeply with me. I saw it, I felt it, I breathed in your poem and loved every bit of it. Growing up thinking there is something inherently wrong with you, which must be kept inside, a secret of the true self. If people know it, they'll forsake you, they'll be horrified, disgusted, repulsed, gagging and aching at the beast they've been deceived by.

And the nature of this rot is so unknown, yet it lurks in every feeling, every thought and every interaction. 'in my chest does it lie, in my heart does it feed off every misery. In every doubt, does it thrive on every mistake does it embed itself, further and further' It grows, it's a moving target, it flourishes inside. And every thing feels like a mistake, ding or not doing, it all feels like an endless cycle and it always seems to win and grow and corrode your insides.

'if you love me, leave me be' Because after all, you know how to live with this rot, you can survive with this inside of you. 'it's filthy, impure' Some people want to help, but they don't know how. The last stanza - where the person is weeping and horrified at the rot's existence. They mean well, yes but at the end you have to comfort them instead of them reassuring you. 'you can't help, stop trying' And all this leads you to believe that at the end of the day, there is something no one can fix which makes you feel unlovable. But if the person still stands, they might not know how to fix it, but they still do their best, they keep 'fighting'. It leaves you dumbfounded. Why willfully engage with this putrid rotting creature? Also the bloody hands and stained shirt. A feeling that you will contaminate the ones around you, that you will ruin the love by being so filthy. The ones you know are now covered in your blood, in your rot and it's your fault. And by the end you are so sick of it, you tear it out, you kill it all you can but you know it's all futile. Then the questions of your true self come burning. Then the lines between you and the rot seem so blurry. But you'll tear it out, you'll take care of it. Even when it's 'never quite dead, fully dead'

The line 'these bloody fingers have seen worse' alludes to the fact that there have been several attempts to 'tear it out, bleed it dry'. The rot has been picked apart a million times, yet it 'convulsively persists'

This is what I made of it. If you had indented something else and if I missed something between the lines. PLEASE TELL ME. I am not normal about this poem in the least bit. It feels like it has watched me and knows me for who I am. HOW CAN YOU WROTE SOMETHING SO UTTERLY BONE CRUSHING. I WANNA SAW MY LIMBS OFF AND GIVE THEM TO YOU AS AN OFFERING.

[slaythespire]

im sorry my tumblr followers who dont know me im mad rn, im just rambling mad under a readmore again thanksss

listen its not that i need to be dating someone im just chilling. in fact rn i would not want to date anyone.

but i HATEEEE HATE seeing people say shit like "You dont need anyone, you should learn to be happy without someone else in ur life! why do you need someone else! just be happy without that!" well damn sue me for wanting someone to deeply love me who i deeply love back!! why is that such a bad thing to want!! obviously if you cant function without being in a relationship that's not good, but people always say that shit to someone going "i feel unlovable and like no one will ever want me" and it feels so meanspirted!! damn!!

its been like almost a year since i got ghosted and i know its annoying to hear people complain abt the same thing over and over again. but its just HARD bcus i feel stupid, and used. i really thought my ex was like, THE person, we talked abt getting married and how we'd combine our last names, abt moving in together, supported each other through everything. when i was in inpatient this person called me almost everyday i was there to say hi and check in on me. i thought my future involved them and then they just dropped me without even an explanation. never in a million billion years did i think that would happen (outside of my bad brain telling me it would, which, well i was right so LOL) bcus they were my best friend of 8 years!!

and its scary bcus it makes me think there must be something wrong with me/"how could anyone ever love me when even the person who dated me for 6 years didnt". and people always say things like "you haven't met everyone who will care about you yet" but what if i have, and my one chance at having a relationship i was so happy in was ruined bcus the other person is a self-obsessed asshole who lied to my face abt so much for who KNOWS what reason. WHATEVER.

i feel like when i make posts like this i come off as an insane person in the "no wonder they broke up with you" way, but i promise im actually normal ive just been very emotionally ripped to shreds by a very bad breakup. barely a breakup bcus it was over TWITTER DM. whatever im just gonna be one of those people that obsesses over fictional characters so much i think were in a relationship.

i just rlly rlly wonder what their reasoning for doing this to me was and if they feel bad abt it. or if they think its funny, or if they just dont care. i also wonder if they think they can just message me one day and apologize and think itll be okay (i dont think this will happen, i used to but i dont anymore)

i lean towards they just dont care, i doubt they even think about what they did lol. i mean i HOPE they feel bad, but i dont think thats true. id be shocked if i ever heard from them again which is just, crazy. 8 years of knowing someone and it ends like that through no fault of your own. i wish i had a screenshot of the break up dm id post it in a heartbeat so anyone who actually read this far would feel whiplash like i do. (filled to the brim with "i love you so much" "i feel horrible for hurting you and i hate that im doing it" "i really care about you" "i hope you stay in my life bcus youre my best friend").

and it makes me really sad bcus OFC we would have stayed friends, i loved them so much that while id be sad abt breaking up i would still want them in my life. (WE EVEN TALKED ABT HOW IF WE BROKE UP WE ALWAYS THOUGHT WE'D STAY FRIENDS). but even in my fantasy world where they reach out after a few years all apologetic and guilty i just couldnt do it anymore.

one more but i don't understand what would compel someone to say all that knowing theyre lying and dont give a fuck about you, like it only comes off as evil and fucked up and cruel to me, so how else am i supposed to take that.

[elusivefagguette]

I'm so fucking lonely man

27 years of being fat, single, 27 fucking years of being an afterthought at best 27 years of telling myself my parents were wrong and just realizing this year that no, they were right.

I keep telling myself I'll kill myself if I'm 30 and still single but idk if I can hold out that long

Life just being told I'm unlovable, that I make people miserable, being blamed for everything, being told when I was 11 that it's my fault my mom tried to kill herself, 27 years of trying so hard to feel like I belong and I'm allowed to be wanted and for what.

For my only options being people who don't give a fuck and just want to use me sexually when others are too busy for them? To only feel needed or wanted when someone is making me throw up and choke for their pleasure?

To not have a sense of community in any way and be so fucking isolated and alone and lonely all the fucking time?

To be so fucking broken I have to resign myself to accepting the fact I am deeply unlovable just because of my body?

Used to think about how happy I'd be if someone got me flowers and now I know it's never gonna happen and then being told oh it doesn't matter like that's supposed to help

Fucking unreal how lonely I feel

[thehumanrelation]

daily thought :

“why does no one like me, why am i unlovable?”

this is a question that seems to get asked a lot. Whether it be by people in my life or people on the internet it’s conclusive that several people who lack a romantic love in their life seem to think it’s completely their fault. “why does no one like me?” the answer to this question is simple. people DO like you. The person asking this question is likely going through some sore sort of internal struggle with their loneliness and lack of romantic relationship. Despite this, people will always like you, your friends like you, your family likes you, and if either of those things are not true in your life, I like you. And, you should like yourself. Having reliance on yourself for personal love is key to establishing strong relationships in the future. As for the second part of the question “why am i unlovable?” the answer is again simple. You are NOT unloveable. Love exudes from every crevice of your very being which makes you undeniably capable of love and being loved. When someone asks this questions they are asking from a place of loneliness and fear. However, when this question enters your mind it’s important to continually assert to yourself that you are love able. Someone will come along who sees the best parts of you, they will understand and love you deeply. And then you will truly believe that love exists. Until then just know that love is inescapable for life itself is a labor of love.

[dadralt]

having one of those waves of intense loneliness (they come and go) and it's just so raw and painful. like deep inside your bones you just know how unlovable you are and you'll always be alone. i feel like i've slowly learned to accept this is my fate but some days it just pops up again and it hurts so bad. my skin is begging to be touched by someone who cares, it's aching and itching and it kills me. my heart just wants to love and give but there's nobody to give it all to. i just want to scream that i know all the things that are wrong with me and why would i want someone to suffer me? am i not worth it anyway?

but i'm not the prettiest and i need to fix my skin and lose weight but also even if i starve myself i won't ever feel worth of love, it doesn't change how my fucked up brain works.

and i know it's my fault because i rarely meet new people and i'm terrified and i don't know how to be around someone i'm attracted to and i feel like a 12 year old in a 31 year old's body.

it's not even about the mortifying ordeal of being known, i crave for someone to truly know me so deeply and well. it's more the fact that i feel like it's never going to be for me. how could anyone ever love me?

i'm alive and i don't entirely hate it but i also don't love it because i feel like i'm only living 30% of what life has to give. and it's so frustrating.

i want so much but it's all out of reach.

[gatun-gatunesco]

...

Now that we enter the middle of the year, i contacted my old therapist to see how i was and also because of some recent event with information i should not have know.

To my surprise, is mostly fine. Neutral to say the least. In comparison of the first times we talked in were i always burst into tears and guilt and such, this time, it was all fine.

Because he assured me i was not a bad person, of course not perfect and free of problems, but also not the one who did everything wrong and the cause of all the problems she had. He also was her therapist, so he assured to have both "sides of the coin" and be completely objective about it, which helped a lot.

I was feeling guilt in the sense of: - If she was happy with me, she would have not develop feelings for others - I am sure i was not seeing some of her needs and wants - I feel like she thinks i was only with her for her body, even when i specifically said i wanted love and not sex because i had such bad experiences with that - Did she saw all our time together just like sex? it was not supposed to be something pasional because of the love we had for each other, because we both were Demisexuals? it was all a farse? - When she objectifive herself and told me to use her, i did not accepted and probably make her feel unlovable, right? did i make her feel unloved in other times? - There were so many times i did not ate in order to allow safe transport in the night. Mostly because i wanted to stay the most time i could with her in a private space. But i believe she think bad of it - Did i not cared enough or i made light about something? - I am so difficult or closed that i did not realized something? - Was i asking for to much in our promises, deals and wishes?

And the most important: What did i do wrong, what is wrong with me?! Please tell me so i can change it and fix it! But he gently said "you did nothing wrong"

For a moment i was about to defend myself explaing that THERE MUST BE SOMETHING, ANYTHING, i know i have problems and do damage and that i made mistakes. Just need him to point them out for me, he was her therapist, if somebody would knew and tell me, that would be him.

Yet he replied that i needed to take into account i was her first relationship, that she had no experience at all, that she do not even knew what she wanted, that her mind was not able to said out loud what was going on and yet it was not my responsability to dive into it, that she had a lot of mental issues not only depression and anxiety, i was not told a lot of things and others where bad communicated that got lost in the rest of the problems.

It was doomed from the start by being the first with that backgroud, a lot of mistakes was going to happen. It was not the correct time in our lifes as my vision and her vision of the future was not the same even when at the start she assured it was, she did not knew herself and needed experience and grow.

I mentioned again the "Strawberrys Day" with all the complexity of that event. But before i could said more, he stopped me and said "Is not your fault, stop. We already talked about this, you both did wrong. Believe me, you would be in a list otherwise. If you had just wanted to have sex, you would not have refused many times to saw her as an object who wanted to be so desired and actually use her only to satisfy yourself"

He then said, that the worst thing i did was being overprotective. That if she wanted to go and be drunk, smoke or do anything wildly without caring about consequences, it was none of my bussiness, that i should have not cared even more since she broke up with me. I admit i was in the wrong about it. Trying to stay when i was told not to, is completely my fault. She was in the right to go and do whatever she wanted without me caring about her safety or how she made those things to avoid a failure, but i still wanted my dear friend to be safe, the person with who i connected very deeply.

But that behaviour, avoiding failure, is MY problem. That i have such low tolerance for the things i do not like, but mostly to failure. That everytime she made a mistake over and over with increasing consequences, my trust and tolerance was being erased. Every single "i am sorry" or "that will not happen" who proven to be wrong, was a hit to my stability.

That is my problem, the one who was damaged by failure. Is not my life, nor my body and i should not took the decisions. I am truly sorry that i was so blind in my way to "be right" to see i was making things worse.

He said, in a sense i helped her to taste the freedom that they parents denied her and show her the way of independance, but that at the end she wanted a different rute, a careless one, that i should not follow. We were apart only 4 years in age, but our objectives were so different from how we lived until that day, that somehow at the end, i was acting like another parent, and she is in the right to learn by making mistakes with her own decisions and that i should stay away.

In fact, he said i leaved just in time. Otherwise i was going to need medication and also get hurted by her, possibly even physically because of some anger issues and other things he could not say. Well, i can imagine what but it is for the best to just leave it like that.

It was until we broke up that some stuff was better, like her parents being less estrict, she started to have money and move on her own, i managed to get more versatile job and my own vehicule. So, it looked better in some points, but it was too late of course. Once again, doomed by being in a incorrect time of our lifes.

I remember how much it bothered me that we needed to be separeted at night. I knew it was impossible for her to stay, no matter how much i wanted to wake up at her side, or to have a life in where we could come back to the same home after our daily activities and knowing that at home, we would be together again. It was such a delusion from my part. She was not as independant as me, and that wish took so much space in my reality.

He told me is time to move on, leave the past behind, go out and find another person, she already did and found someone else. That it does not matter if she hate me, see me as the worst, think bad about me or whatever; that i did the best i could and did nothing wrong.

Even so, is not that easily for me to develop feelings for others in general. With her, was very deep because she was a dear friend with who i felt so understood and matched before being anything else. Is not like i can just go and start dating another person just for the sake of dating and having someone else as a romantic partner.

When she developted feelings for one of her classmates, she was still in a relationship with me. I tried to fight back my trauma of being cheated and replaced. Thought that if i pushed a solution, the effort of staying would be recompensated with a stronger bond. It was so destructive for both.

I know her obsesion for him was because of a distance between us, created by my angryness of discovering some wounds she made to herself with a dagger that i gave to her as our symbol of compromise to get married. I felt betrayed because she did not told me, i discovered it by accident. If she could hide something that important, what else she could not say?

After all ended, we tried to still be friends, against all advices, because we did not wanted to lose that. There where a set of rules to avoid hurting each other. Of course, i still had feelings for her and did all i could to suppress them. Watching and knowing that she liked one person after another, made me thought if our relationship was that meaningless for her that she could easily do that.

It was my fault to be hurted by that, as i was the one who decided to stay. I said harsh things and did not censor any of my words to someone who was in a very bad mental estate. The damage was duplicated the moment she started to abuse substances and be suicidal. It was all a disaster just waiting to happen.

He said it was not my responsability to help her, even when i tried very hard and in some aspects i really did. That it was not in my hands to "save" her as i was not prepared to deal with someone who hated herself to the point of hurt her body, did not said anything out of her mind, nor wanted to believe in anything good you said about her.

He also said that if she did not even followed his instructions being him a professional equiped to deal with that, what hope could i have to really help her being depressed and with issues too.

So, i can not blame her for how angry she is at me as i was also in a bad shape and made things worse, but i am finally in peace knowing i am not guilty of it. We both had problems and hurted each other, it was time for us to be apart.

In the end, i can feel relieved she is alive and well, overcomed her suicidal state. Hope she is happy and in love without objectifying herself nor doing substance abuse anymore. And i really, really wish it does not end, and if it does, hopefully will not be as bad as it was with me.

Is not like i want to come back with her, less after how bad she expressed about me and our time together, as if i was a monster who wanted to traumatize her and only used her for my convenience. But who would like that the person you once loved and who was your dear friend, be that mad at you?

We both deserve better and of course, there are better people for each one out there who are compatible, in the perfect condition and in the right time for a fulfilling and healthy long-lasting relationship.

If she needs somebody to blame and hate in order to search for better in everything, i am fine being that person, that comparison. Is for the best and at this point, all the good times we had are probably already erased or twisted in her memories. She may no remember that i really wanted to saw her happy, safe and free of her mental problems, with or without me. I just wish all between us would have ended better.

But i can finally leave my caothic mix of emotions between resentment, sadness and longing behind. I miss my friend, yes, but i can finally stay only with the good memories now that i can accept she is long gone but safe.

And for myself? Whatever, i am fine. There were people who already said they like me and tried to have a romance with me, but if i learned something from her, is how happy I could be if the person in question could be my friend first before going for romance, that way I could really heal, avoid the same patterns and do not cause pain to none of us.

After the talk, i started to ask the people who are still in my life; i want to be a better person, so, did i hurted you at some point? how? and why are you still with me?

Once again, to my surprise, most of them agreed that: - My way to express is very harsh and direct, without tact or empathy - I do not want to do a lot of things if those are not of my liking - When i get overwhelmed, i isolate myself and push them away - I am very perceptive, but only realize stuff around me when is already too late or i forget and did nothing about it - Sometimes it looks like i ignore them or not care about them or they opinion - I do not, for the good of my life, can take a hint

And that was more than enough to told my therapist that i, in fact, have something wrong with me. All of that sure applied with my relationship with her.

Then, my best friend, say something all of them agreed with

"But it's like with a real cat you know. You want to pet him but he scratches and bites you, and after trying several times you begin to understand that he doesn't like that. At this point it becomes for fun to see how you get a Gatun Sigh (tm) just for suggesting something that I already know you will not like, just as I get to pet the cat that don't like it just to annoy it. You are more cat than you expected (?"

Mixed with the replies of the rest of the people who went like: - You are very affeccionate, silly and playful, but only with certain people and only at certain times - I know you will be there for me if i need you, i only have to ask you clearly - You are very kind, but do not realize how to do it with tact - Quite soft and vulnerable for you apperence, like a sheep in wolf clothes - Not for everyone, but very special for those who do - One must not force you, otherwise you get uncomfortable or overwhelmed and then you will leave, but just for a while

All of that made me realize, that not everyone will like me or stay with me, and that is fine. I can damage people, but is not really intentional. I am hard to love but there is people who love me and understand me, most of them will just gave me space and time, not that they will really leave.

Even so, is not the responsability of other people to give me comfort or adapt to me. I really know now what to change. For starters, be more emphatic, more open to new stuff, less excentric, get my tolerance to better levels. And, at the same time, now can agree that there is nothing wrong with me. Just accept who i am and be better.

For now, i have to still fighting to fix my life in order to welcome and give a good life for me and my cats.

[kianavonna]

CW: I don’t want to be embarrassed of my emotions but I feel pathetic admitting this so I might delete this post later lol

I feel so alone and I’ve felt this way for a long time now

Literally years. I actually don’t know the last time I didn’t feel some kind of alone.

I’m laying in a hostel in Japan thinking of all the things that could go wrong as usual, trying to force myself to think of what could go right and I’m sick to my stomach of myself

I feel like I’m always just to myself alone and when I do something that strikes attention even when I don’t mean to I feel selfish and like an embarrassment

I miss touch, I need a fullbody hug and the ability to tell someone what’s wrong and I almost never do that. I rarely get back to my friends on time and I’m so afraid to burden them with my shit and they’re rarely in physical reach to talk face to face anyway whether that’s online friends or friends I lived close to before

It was my fault I didn’t reach out I was afraid to be weird and off putting and lose them.

I need to feel loved and I haven’t felt truly loved in awhile even though I know they care about me

I am tired of maladaptive daydreaming somebody to deeply love me and I’m really fucking tired of it always being some fucking guy. Wtf?? Do I think I need to prove I am lovable to a man to be worthy? Do I think the only worthwhile love is romantic? Why am I like this.

I am a Black girl from poverty who’s come a long way, but my journey started with being abandoned. With feeling unloved by family, unloved by niggas who wanted to lay me down. Unloved by my fucking self and just wanting to thrive.

I sit in fear other universes where I could exist are real and im hurting again.

I just wish I loved myself, I wish I didn’t waste my earlier years trying to fight to make people who didn’t love me love me and I wish I knew I am worthy. I know I am. But why do I not feel that way??

I feel in pieces and I’m trying to cry silently.

[deafearsdiary]

A Love I don't Want to Lose

Earlier tonight, I was talking to someone about unconditional love. Actually, we were talking about cheating on the person you choose to spend your life with. Unconditional love just made its way into the conversation. Naturally, what we were speaking about made me think of you. I find it funny that I think of you like I'm expecting for this relationship between us to come about the way I fantasize it. It's sad really. I don't know why I do. But I think I do it because everyday I try to not want you. I try to not think about you day in and day out. To not let everything remind me of you. Because I don't want to hurt my own feelings when things don't go the way I want them to. So what I do is I try and look for things to get my brain to understand why we aren't together. Why we wouldn't work.

You see, everything about you might be good for me, at least the things that I've experienced to make me fall in love with you are. I could write a list but for time's sake (and because I'm really tired), we'll just condense it to everything about you. Except for one thing. That thing, is what I think might be what keeps us apart. You see, I want to be the only one for you. But that's not how you roll. I don't know the reason why you entertain so many females at once, but I don't want a life like that. I want a life being happy with my spouse. I know you want to be happy too, who doesn't? But maybe your happiness and my happiness look different. The way that I am, I want to basically be the center of someone's world. I don't want to just be at the top of the list. I don't even want a list to exist. And I think that men that have lived their lives with a list, can never burn the list and just focus on one girl. I'm not faulting you for wanting more than one, I know that's how y'all are made, but not all of y'all.

I want so badly for you to surprise me. I want so badly for me to be the person that changes you, that makes you want to be different. And better. And I know that God can do anything. But it'd be naive of me to pray for that sort of thing. To pray that you'd change, and sign your heart to me. I bet it would feel so good to be the only one getting loved unconditionally by you. But I know that's not how you are. Maybe you just like options. Or the feeling it gives you to be loved by multiple women at once. Or you like getting women to fall in love with you because you're so good at it. But I can't be one of those women. I have to choose my sanity and happiness. I can't feel like I'm losing you again. And I can't feel like I don't matter. Because that's how it feels when I'm just a name on a list. I feel expendable. Unimportant. Unloved. Small. Ugly. Especially when I love so hard and deeply. I put my all into it. I don't want to feel insignificant in the end. For me to feel like the thing that you told me that made me so happy, and smile for weeks meant nothing. Because you probably said it to seven other girls. And they felt exactly what I felt. It's not genuine, or original. It just feels offensive.

I'm sorry that I'm this way, but it's just how I am. Maybe it's because I'm the youngest sibling so I never really had much of my own. Everything was a hand-me-down, or taken from me. I had to share almost everything, and even when I had crushes they'd prefer my sisters over me. I just want my significant other to be for me. I don't want their love to come with all these conditions. I don't want to have to get you to understand that when you love others like you love me, it just makes me feel like I've been stolen from. Robbed of my most prized possession, and you gave the OK. I want you to see my worth. Be satisfied with my love and companionship, and not feel like it's not enough.

And for me to feel like this, and want this, I shouldn't want to do that to anyone else. I can't be hypocritical, I can't try and take what isn't mine. I'm going to do my best and back off. And when I have my moments of weakness, I'm going to remember how I want to be loved. I'm going to remember how badly I want your love to myself. And how I would never want a heart that I thought was in my possession to be taken by someone that wants to experience the love you give. I'm going to pray I get the love I want, and that the love I want wants me.

But I'm also going to keep hoping. Hoping that you're different from what I see. Hoping that you've changed. Hoping that you'll read these and rescue me. Hoping that the scenarios I come up with have some truth to them. Hoping that I'll get that huge romantic gesture that I so desperately want. Hoping that you'll put effort into me, and show me, and only me, the love that you claim is already imbedded in your heart.

[wraithcxre]

deep down i believe there's more to life than just one perception of it

there's more to what we can see, feel, perceive.

and so i keep seeking, yearning, moving, dying and then being reborn. i'm not afraid to jump, to take the risk and to fall. to hurt. to feel. i failed so many times. i've been let down so many times and abandoned in the darkest of moments.

i know that this pain is a temporary feeling. i cannot control how other people act or what people will do. how people will perceive you or think about you. everyone is different and we are all guarded by societal norms, biases, limiting perceptions, expectation, pressure, etc. because of this, it is wiser to expect that people will let you down. man is inherently selfish.

it is not their fault. it isn't yours or mine either. maybe situations and people are just not meant to be, no matter how much you willed for it to happen. it is foolish to place stubborn faith to things, situations and people you cannot control. after all, we are only humans who try our best. cruelly, it will never be enough if it's not meant to be. maybe it's the natural human drive to prioritise what is perceived as 'the means to survive'. they're just not your people and that is okay. you will find your people eventually. and you wouldn't fight for them to stay, because if it's meant to be, it will be.

i cling to that one narrative, despite the default cynicism. sometimes i trip and think that nothing is working. that i am merely echoes of the shadows of my past. the wraiths that told me i would be unlovable because of who i am. my dad. past lovers — despite having loved so deeply it changes me in a soul-shaking level. but i know that one must have faith within the self but also what is beyond the 'self'. in this pure faith is where love grows. i call back that energy to myself. my core. rupture and revival, a repetitive cycle. i must learn to accept the unknown. change. the universe is constantly moving, and energies are constantly changing. redirected. i forge a smile because i know it'll come back to me. it will all fall to place.

what is meant for you will come to you. you will gravitate to what is supposed to happen — naturally, without fighting or forcing fate.

all i know is that if i placed faith only to myself, i would be fortified. unwavering. untouched by what's not meant for me. free as a fish as i swim in this terrifying sea of life. it's a risk to be vulnerable. i am terrified, very much so. so terrified that it breaks me. it shatters me apart. but i don't fight it anymore. i let myself be unravelled even as i break. but i know it'll all be okay. i'll rise from the ashes of what i used to be. i refuse to be defined how my shadows defined me.

because you are dead to me. you are nothing but a speck of dust in this universe. i refuse to be outlined by you, or to be shackled and limited to you. i do not want to live in anger anymore because that's not who i am. i love unconditionally. even if i am gone, i wish you get what you deserve.

i am lovable by the right people who have the capacity to. i manifest that my energy will find its way to the right people for me and we will live and love like never before. it will be pure. unforced. it will happen at the right time.

as i find myself i know i will be found. i will be seen. the energy that i have given so freely away will come back. it was never a waste to love. i had no regrets.

farewell,

my beloved.

[whiteknightswendigo]

Confused Ramblings

So my husband asked me to write down want I want out of sex.  

What makes me feel good and bad. What I hope to get from it. What I like and don’t like.  

But the thing is, in my mind, sex has never been about what I need. It’s always been about fulfilling a duty within a relationship. It’s so deeply enmeshed into my self esteem and self worth that I have forgotten to take a look at what I really want.  

Maybe I can’t even do that until I unravel and release myself from what I have been conditioned to feel.  

So where do I start…  

Logically I know I have been taught to believe my worth is tied to the amount of physical attention my significant other pays me.  

If he isn’t having sex with me then he must not love me.  

He’s seeing someone else isn’t he…

He watches porn instead of initiating sex with me because I am not good enough.  

Right?

I know these are things I need to let go of. But how do I do that? Just knowing isn’t enough. How do I get myself to believe that I am enough even if sex was off the table? How do I learn, deep down in my soul, that I am more then that and I have much more to offer?

I have tried convincing myself that I don’t care. I’ve tried coming to terms with the fact that sex just isn’t going to happen often in our relationship. I’ve tried telling him how the lack of intimacy makes me feel. All to no avail. I still feel unloved if we don’t touch.  

So how do I heal this piece of me? Or do I even need to? Maybe this is just who I am. Maybe I need physical affection and that is how I feel loved. And maybe that’s ok. I do however, feel like I need to learn how to not blame myself for the lack of intimacy. It isn’t my fault. It isn’t because I am not pretty enough, or not good enough for him. It just isn’t about me.  

Easier said then done.  

[animeyanderelover]

Hi. May I request prompt 126 with Kuroo. However long you take to do my requests I do not mind as long as you take care of yourself. Happy holidays 😁

I think that I might try to open my requests once more by the end of my holidays, only for Fruits Basket though.

Tw: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, unhealthy relationship, possessive behavior, obsession, clinginess, touchiness

Prompt 126: "But sweetie...I want YOU!"

"What about the girl that works at the financial transaction? She's a bit stoic but I think she really likes you. Or if you aren't ticking that way, I can find a guy who'd suit your taste. I could even arrange a blind date for you if you'd want me to do so. I know you aren't into that sort of thing but I'll promise you that if you give it a try, it might be a really great experience!"

You felt extremely silly for being the only one who had been rambling about something for the last few minutes in an attempt to convince your black-haired friend. Kuroo had been quietly filling out some documents, not looking like he had been paying attention to anything you'd just told him. You'd been going on about trying to hook him up with someone for a few weeks now, listing down numerous people who might be his type and desperately trying to get him to agree to go on a date with someone. It really shouldn't be that difficult considering that Kuroo was handsome, smart and a tease.

"Oi, are you even listening to me?" you huffed in a exasperated way as you waved your hands in front of his face in an attempt to gain his attention. The man seemed adamant to finish his paper work though, filling quickly out every blank space on the document before he piled them neatly up besides him on the table and finally turned his gaze to you. One of his hands propped his face on the table as he gave you the look he had given you ever since you'd started this whole operation.

"I'm sorry but I wasn't listening. What did you just say?" You slapped your hand against your face as you exhaled deeply through your nose, ignoring how the ever so slight smirk on his face irked your temper just the slightest bit. That moron was pretending again with the goal to annoy you and ultimately discourage you from pushing it any further.

"Don't act like you didn't just listen to anything I just said! You're just acting e so you can annoy me!" you yelled lightly at him, pointing your index finger straight at him before you fell down in the chair across from him. "How unthankful can you actually be? Here I try my best to guarantee that you won't die lonely and unloved yet you reject every single one of my attempts to get you a decent partner. Do you even know how embarrassing it was when I had to apologize to your blind date when you didn't turn up at all? You ruined someone's confidence and they were so excited about it as well! The poor soul, I ended up comforting them over ice cream and noodles. Let's not even get started about the accident last week with the brother of my co-worker I brought along! And how could you be so blunt when she asked you out? You could have done it at least a bit more gently."

"Then don't encourage all those people to go out with me." was his honest reply, his gaze hooked on your theatrical form that was gesturing around wildly with yur hands to highlight your frustration.

"You were the one talking about wanting to have a partner and marrying them! I'm trying to help you here! Oh god, what am I going to do if you end up being all alone until the rest of your days? I'm going to be at fault for it."

You were visibly sinking down your chair, an expression on your face that screamed regret and frustration as you were doing so. You heard Tetsuro stiffling his laughter whilst watching you being overly dramatic.

"What are you going to do if that scenario would really happen?" he asked with genuine curiosity, looking at the little bit of your head that was still poking out from underneath the table. "Burrying my head underneath the sand out of shame." you grumbled back, lifting your body back up on the chair and putting your face in both of your hands, staring at him with a pout. He cackled again upon seeing your cute face before he copied you, resting his face in his palms as well. Neither of you said anything for a while. He was looking at you with that fond gaze of his whilst you were staring at him with a contemplating stare.

"You're thinking about how to set me up with someone again, don't you?" he questioned you though his tone gave it away that he already knew the answer so you didn't even bother to reply to that. "I'm determined, Tetsu. I'll find someone who loves you and can see you in the same light as you them."

It was fairly easy for him to pick up the regret and guilt in your voice, your gaze wavering a bit and avoiding him for a short while before you locked your eyes once again with his. His own orbs never left you but a flicker of pain shortly shot through his facade as he was reminded of his broken heart.

To outstanders you probably appeared to be pushy and obsessed to get your friend in a relationship despite no interest from his side but they didn't know what had happened a few weeks ago either. He had finally decided to try his luck and confess to you yet you had shot his feelings down by telling him that you only saw him as a friend. Things could have easily turned out awkward but instead you had fallen into an obsession to hook him up with someone else, someone who could love him unlike you. He was a great guy, one of the coolest people you've ever met but you were unable to love him more than your best buddy. Too well aware that ever since he had been putting up a facade since he was undeniably gloomy, you had just wanted him to be happy again since you couldn't stand seeing him sad.

"You know that I can't love any of them, right? I love already you, there's no place in my heart for anyone else. I appreciate your attempts to help me but it's tiring you out and me as well. Let's just stop it, please."

The playful hint was gone, a serious look on his face, one that completely stripped you of your own facade as the sadness in his eyes hit you. You buried your face deeply into your face, head dizzy as you became all too aware of the painful jab inside your heart.

"How can you know that you can't love someone else besides me?! You never gave it a chance!" you accused him, your voice a bit more high-pitched as you were going through stress and sadness all of a sudden.

"You never gave us a chance either. How can you be so sure that you can never see me as more than a friend and instead force me into dates? I love you because I've known you for years, I know little things about you like your favorite movies or the animals you hate. I know secrets about you, those you told me because you trusted me and vice versa. How could you expect that I can create a bond even remotely close with someone I don't even know?"

The earnesty in his voice was killing you and you couldn't bear to lift your head and look him straight into his eyes. You genuinely feared that you might break out in tears. "It's because I've known you for years that I can confidently say that I can't love you. I never thought of you as someone I could call my lover so why would anything change? I don't want you to suffer because of me. I don't want you to have false hopes."

"But you think forcing all sorts of people and dates on me makes me happy?"

Someone might as well have shocked you with a load of electricity as you flinched visibly when those words reached your ears. He was right and deep down you knew that but you couldn't bear the thought of him continuing to love you whilst hanging out with you. You had ignored the awkwardness that had been clinging onto you ever since his confession and he had ignored his pain just as much. There was no way you two could continue like that but you didn't want to give up this frienship either.

"I know that..." you mumbled silently, your words barely audible since your palms muffled the sound. "I know that but I don't know what else I can do. I hate the thought that I make you unhappy but I can't reciprocate your feelings either." Dear god, you really felt like wanting to cry in that one moment as you were swallowed up by this helpless feeling once again. You refused to cry in front of Kuroo to make him feel bad though so you blinked harshly to get rid of the water that had gathered in your eyes and instead stood quickly up. You wanted to leave him and be alone for a bit.

"I'm heading home. See you later, Tetsu." You had planned to walk quickly past him but when his hand grabbed your arm and yanked you back a bit, your heart wavered. You didn't want him to make this hard and more regretful for you. His gaze was almost hypnotizing as his eyes almost drilled through you in order to expose your heart. He had stood up from his chair, his grip preventing you from leaving. He furrowed his eyebrows, a conflicted emotion crossing his eyes.

You expected him to say something but instead a tight embrace was forced on you, one that nearly knocked the air out of your lungs. You were completely stiff in his hold at first but guilt was ever so quick to kick in and you ended up returning to hug, trying to comfort him somehow.

"I don't really care for the dates that much, seeing you being so awfully friendly with others is worse for me, you know? I don't want you to date anyone else. I don't want you to like someone else." He sounded too serious for you to be somewhat amused of this jealousy and his tightened grip only highlighted this.

"You can try to find someone for me all you want but I'll reject anyone without hesitation. No one is like you and just like you I am determined. Determined to change your heart and I will make sure that you can see me as a lover. You might think that I might start loving someone else. But sweetie...I want YOU!"

Now the situation had really gotten uncomfortable as you wriggled your way past his arms somehow, muttered another goodbye before quickly walking out of his place. Your mind couldn't stop replaying what had just happened and his words elicited a sense of uneasiness inside of you. Kuroo hadn't meant this as a joke and that worried you, especially after what you had witnessed last week. You'd never seen Kuroo quite as cold and snarky as on that day and you didn't want to trigger it once again.