#i am going to delete it in the morning and then myself lol

[lesbiacnh]

the dogs im dog sitting rn are so cuddly and its so something im not used to. i only knew how to cuddle with cats so when i just picked up the little dog and plopped him on my lap he was like wtf… like i just failed at dog cuddling. omg

[pepprs]

ok. it’s election day. i worked until like 11:30 last night and slept horribly and now it’s 7 and im going to be on campus working from like 9am-12:30am tonight. i wish i could say let’s do this thing but i just feel defeated and exhausted. but hopefully it’ll be a good day and i’ll get some strength

[scionshtola]

i guess if i had criticisms of or like. wishes. for the writing on shtola it would be that i would like to see more how her being blind actually affects her and for her to face something that really made her struggle with her convictions

[missionkitty]

sometimes i really wish i could easily respond to tags because you guys really come through with them and just make some rough days a lot better but i don't wanna clog your dms or your notifications (i love you guys but i get petrified to engage with you sometimes 🫠 i am a big anxious weenie)

i put something kind of regarding this in my pinned post but i absolutely am so okay with you guys going deep into my blog for my old art or things or spam liking (and maybe a reblog here and there) things i've previously posted 😭 especially if you're new!

🅱️lease feel free to take a look at my older stuff!!! treat this like a museum and wander to your heart's content 🥰

i try to keep stuff circulating in my reblog side @missionkittyroyal but WAY more people follow me on here than on there and i am kind of trying keep this one more portfolio style

aaaanyway if you're reading this and you've recently reblogged something from a little while ago, your tags have basically saved my morning and you probably know who you are and i love you you

[rachiller]

Listen my friend painted pretty designs on my nails while we drank cocktails and watched law and order I cannot be harmed by any psychic attacks right now

[theghostofashton]

.

[malusokay]

2023 reset guide

Glow up

2023 vision board. Visualize your dream 2023 and write down your goals!

Daily Hot girl walks. No excuses, babes; let's get moving!

Reflecting on 2022. Look back at what you've accomplished and what you could have done differently.

Make a Bucketlist. Write down places you want to visit and things you want to do.

Extended self-care. Take some time to yourself to recover from the stressful holidays and get back on track. <3

Buy a good SPF. Do some research and find something that works for you!

Start Investing in yourself. Money, time, and energy. Put yourself first!

Annual check-ups. Make a dentist appointment, go to the optometrist etc...

Buy a Silk pillowcase. Protect your skin and hair!

Set clear boundaries. And make sure that people respect them!

Less screen time. Self-explanatory.

Manicure, lash lift, haircut. High maintenance to be low maintenance! ;)

Wellness

Daily vitamins. Visit a doctor to discuss which ones you should be taking for the best results.

Morning stretches. Wake up your body and drink some water!

Skin/hair care. It's time to find products that actually work for you.

Reading more literature. Set yourself a daily reading goal.

Planned grocery lists. Make a grocery list that aligns with your dietary needs and goals to make shopping less stressful. <3

Less coffee. Especially if you struggle with anxiety!!

More greens and protein. Let's give our body what it needs.

Journaling. Truly helps with overthinking!!

8 hours of sleep. Beauty sleep. <3

Cooking for yourself. Such a cute form of daily self-care.

Yoga. Or just any low-impact exercises in general.

Deep cleaning

Organizing your closet. Only keep things that make you feel beautiful.

Budgeting. Check your bank account and plan ahead.

Clean your hairbrushes. Trust me...

Donating clothes. Donate the items that you don't wear anymore.

Clean your make-up brushes. The first step to clear skin!!

Fresh sheets. Wash your pillows too.

Charge your electronics. IPad, Mac, Camera etc...

Get rid of expired make-up and skincare. Step 2 to clear skin, lol.

Declutter stationary. No need to keep dried-out pens.

Delete old emails. I currently have 1840...

Delete unnecessary apps. Anything you don't need.

Clean your camera roll. Making some space for new memories! :)

Cut out toxic people. <3

Mindset

Pretty, smart, kind, and prioritising myself.

Positive affirmations!!

Your daily habits play a huge role in your mood/life. Be mindful, and take care of yourself.

It's okay to outgrow people!!

Decide what kind of life you actually want and start saying no to everything that won't get you there.

"I'm attracting opportunities that align with my dream life."

A girl who will do big things can't let small things bother her.

Honestly, reinvent yourself over and over again until you are satisfied with who you are.

Do you want to be comfortable, or do you want to grow?

"Am I doing this for me, or am I performing for others?"

very high standards. VERY HIGH STANDARDS.

Be obsessed with yourself.

2022 has been such a life-changing year for me, not only personally but also regarding my social media! As I already said on Twitter, I'm incredibly grateful for this little community that has formed this year, and I'm excited for all the things that lay ahead of us! I wish everyone a successful 2023 with many beautiful moments and lots of growth!!

✩‧₊*:・love ya ･:*₊‧✩

[kanmom51]

Ahm... HAPPY BIRTHDAY JK

And happy JK day Jikookers.

What a morning to wake up to!!!

You open your eyes and this is what you are hit with.

The black and white couple in BLACK & WHITE.

Happy birthday Kookie indeed.

Yes, that was JM's hashtag: Happy birthday Kookie or Kookie's birthday, depending on your translator.

I am definitley still processing.

Well JM, you have definitely out done yourself.

Better than even this:

Ok then, did I not say that JM will not disappoint us? He NEVER does!!!

And yes. JM posted it to his account. Not a story. Not something that will be deleted or go away within 24 hours.

No.

JM posted this photo of the two of them in Connecticut on his IG timeline for forevers!!! Right next to his hot boyfie's Hot 100 post.

Yes JM, we know your boyfie is Hot and he's all yours. And you have now told us all just that. You claimed him!!! He is definitley yours.

Had a hoot reading the comments, lol. Someone asking if they are together, and the answers. Many answer yes (surprising), but then, the denial some people are in. Besties. Brothers. Ok then. 🤣🤣🤣 Those calling them besties are probably same ones that ignore Jikook moments, ot7-fy them, dismiss them, but now they are besties... Well, my partner is also my bestie, so...

Good thing my timeline is curated, lol. I cannot imagine the way the fandom is imploding. I think this is kind of a good description though:

So yeah, JM did not disappoint.

And dropping it at the start of the day for all of us to go nuts for the whole day too, lol.

Now, doing that, posting so early on (may I remind you that the last couple of years he posted toward the end of the birthday or even just after the day ended?), I cannot help wonder if there is more coming for us today...

I mean, JK's live, well an 9 minute live, an all new record for him. Funny how his records are how short his lives are, lol.

What do we know so far?

JK was out to dinner with others that he was practicing with.

Took photos with fans that saw him out.

Posted for his birthday on 31.8.23 at 23:55 or 11:55 pm.

Coming home, still in same outfit as he was eating out, JK goes live for 9 minutes. A new record low (well, apart from his Mingyu live), lol. Shorter than his panty folding live.

He was a man on a mission. Coming to say hi.

Showing us the 2 aces. Army. Yep.

Doing a card trick.

Saying love ya, a term used multiple time by JM.

And diving out of there.

So, I wonder.

First of all, was there someone there already or someone he was expecting to arrive?

Same someone that posted that mind blowing pic to set the fandom on fire.

JK's live was at 00:55 am KST. Going for 9 minutes approx. JM posted at 1:33 am KST. I wonder. I wonder if they picked out that photo together, lol.

Oh, I got sidetracked, didn't I?

Because my point was meant to be: Is this all we are getting this year?

No cake? No long karaoke live? No long live period? No TikTok post from our birthday boy, who told us he is now a TikTok content creator? No Jikook live?

I mean, JM's pic, well it's a gift. But is it gift enough?

And no, I'm not being greedy here talking about a gift for us. I'm talking about a gift for JK. Because JK wants that damn live together. Giving him that live together, that would definitely be a worthy gift for his birthday!! Lol.

Just saying...

Did I mention everything I wanted to? Probably not. I'm writing this off the top of my head rushing to post, cause I need for this to be out there, like 2 hours ago, lol.

Kind of hoping that as the day goes by there will be more to talk about. Kind of counting on it, lol.

Oh wait, did I mention JK was wearing same brand as JM?

Ooh, and forgot to mention that PolyC reposted JM's post:

And last thing before I go:

I just loooooove seeing that JM, can't help myself.

Ok, so this gif does not do the JM justice. Watch the live and see just how pronounced it is!!! LOOOOOOOVE it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KOOKIE!!!

[being-addie]

Habits I've successfully developed since my first post🤍

If you've been here since the beginning, you'll know of my first and most popular post where I discuss developing certain habits to improve my life.

Here it is: https://www.tumblr.com/being-addie/714114582776610816/healthy-habits-im-developing-for-2023?source=share

So far, I've managed to do a lot and I'm so proud of myself. If you did some of them too, I'm really proud of you <3. It's difficult but we did it!

Here's what I managed to accomplish:

⭐Got my sleep schedule right: I FINALLY am sleeping 7-8 hours a night and it's so much better because I wake up at 5:30 am every morning and I'm more alert these days.

⭐Working out: Started going to the gym 5 days a week. I'm also looking into some hip-hop classes in the evenings.

⭐Water: I've tried drinking more water, and it's certainly working. I'm not perfect, but we're getting there!

⭐Digital detoxing: I did it. I successfully deleted social media and I'm so freaking proud of myself. It's 100% not easy and while I do get the occasional bursts of jealousy and FOMO, I'm getting better <3

⭐Creative work: I've started to learn how to crochet, and I'm planning on starting knitting soon. I also want to begin making my own jewellery (possibly try my hand at making clothes as well)

⭐Portfolio: I've begun work on my portfolio and I'm really excited with all the ideas I'm getting.

⭐Clean room: My room is so much cleaner now that I'm tidying up on a regular basis.

⭐Friendships: Currently in a really great place with two separate friend groups who value me, and I'm really grateful to past me for cutting out people I thought were my "friends".

Of course, I'm not perfect, I will be struggling with some things. I did particularly have problems with some of these:

💛My to-do list: More often than not, my to-do list lies incomplete because I just don't want to do it lol. Discipline is key, and I'm working on it.

💛Food: I've had to go out so much, and I've been consuming less-than-ideal healthy food. It's been difficult because I'm out so many hours due to classes that I literally need to buy those sugary protein bars to eat. 10 hours a day of nonstop commuting, sitting for 2-hour classes is no joke. We've also had a ton of birthdays and outings so I'm trying not to give into temptation and buy a bag of chips on a whim.

💛Self-care: I was so busy, I burned out, oof. I overworked myself to the point of a mental breakdown, and I'm still so busy, I'm finding it difficult to set aside time to even do my Everything Shower. I'm going to try and cut my day into manageable chunks so I can decompress.

Learning myself over the last few months has been interesting, to say the least. Paying attention to your mind and body's cues allows you to be more aware of what you're doing and WHY. Here's your sign to start implementing habits you've been sleeping on.

Don't wait, just start. xoxo

<3

[darkstar225]

@woso-fan13 Updated Masterlist

Updated: 04 January 2024

I have no clue why I did this, I just love this writer sm and wish I could check everything in one place since I keep re-reading the fics lol

PS: If the writer wants me to delete the post and send it to you so you'll post it, feel free to message me! I just love the fics and felt like doing this :D

It didn't fit everything so check out @woso-fan13 for the other masterlist with the rest S2

Sicktember 2023

Number 1: Hopelessly Bad at Self-Care

Number 2: Quest For A Cure

Number 3: “What Happened To Your Phenomenal Immune System, Huh?”

Number 4: Hiding an Illness

Number 5: Preventative Measures (Not Taken)

Number 6: Sick & Injured

Number 7: “You’re A Jerk When You’re Sick”

Number 8: Persistent Fever

Number 9: White Coat Syndrome

Number 10: “The Only Place We’re Going Is To The Pharmacy”

Number 11: Beginner’s Guide To Faking Sick

Number 12: Home Remedy/Old Wives Tale

Number 13: Anxious Stomach

Number 14: “I shouldn’t be worried about you, but for some reason I am.”

Number 15: Sick in an Inconvenient Place

Number 16: Consulting the Internet/Web MD

Number 17: Magical Remedy/ Healing Potion

Number 18: “Wear Your Coat, You’ll Catch a Cold”

Number 19: Curled Up With a Pet

Number 20: Cramping Pain

Number 21: “But if you stay, you’ll get sick too.”

Number 22: Terms of Endearment/Nicknames

Number 23: Coughing Fit

Number 24: “Did you just sneeze?”

Number 25: Confused/Disoriented

Number 26: Forehead Kisses

Number 27: Uncooperative Patient

Number 28: “I should have stayed home”

Number 29: Side Effects/Adverse Reaction

Number 30: Patient 0

WHUMPTOBER 2023

Number 1: “But now this room is spinning while I’m trying just to fill in all the gaps.”

Number 2: “I’ll call out your name, but you won’t call back.”

Number 3: “Like crying out in empty rooms; with no-one there except the moon.”

Number 4: “I see the danger, It’s written there in your eyes.”

Number 5: “You better pray I don’t get up this time around.”

Number 6: “Do or die, you’ll never make me; Because the world will never take my heart.”

Number 7: “I paced around for hours on empty; I jumped at the slightest of sounds.”

Number 8: “I’ve got soul, but I’m not a soldier.”

Number 9: “Learning everything ain’t what it seems, that’s the thing about these days.”

Number 10: “Can’t you see that you’re lost without me?”

Number 11: “All the lights going dark and my hope’s destroyed.”

Number 12: “I haven’t slept in days but who’s counting?”

Number 13: “It comes and goes like the strength in your bones.”

Number 14: “Feed me poison, fill me ‘till I drown.”

Number 15: “I don’t need you to help me, I can handle things myself.”

Number 16: “Would you lie with me and just forget the world?”

Number 17: “You’re the lump in my throat and the knot in my chest.”

Number 18: “I tend to deflect when I’m feeling threatened.”

Number 19: “I’ll take one final step, all you have to do is make me.”

Number 20: “People don’t change people, time does.”

Number 21: “See the chains around my feet.”

Number 22: “They never saw us coming, ‘til they hit the floor.

Number 23: “It’s gonna get me by the end of the night.”

Number 24: “I’ve got a head full of chemicals; mouth full of ridicule.”

Number 25: “You’re not delivering a perfect body to the grave.”

Number 26: “Sometimes I get so tired; I don’t even know myself.”

Number 27: “You drew stars around my scars; But now I’m bleeding.”

Number 28: “We might not make it to the morning; so go on and tell me now.”

Number 29: “I only sink deeper the deeper I think.”

Number 30: “It’s okay, just to say, ‘I’m not okay’.”

Number 31: “I thought that I was getting better.”

Comfortember 2023

Safe

Sweater Weather

Leaves Changing

Warmth

Treehouse

Notes

Sick/Illness

Grief/Mourning

Aftermath

Sadness

Comfort Show/Movie

Dreams

Baking

Late Night Phone Calls

Plushies

Coffee/Tea Break

Heirloom

Cuddles

Loved Ones

Shopping

Relapse

Cry

Anxiety

Blankets

Rain

Friends

Soup

Flashbacks

Sleepover

The New Normal

[chokchokk]

𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐨 𝐢𝐭, 𝐭𝐨𝐨 𝐝𝐞𝐞𝐩 | choi san x fem!reader

PART TWO of : have your way with words, be my people pleaser 

"Why? Am I not allowed to care now?"

𝚜𝚢𝚗𝚘𝚙𝚜𝚒𝚜: He usually doesn’t drink this much. No, maybe he does, but it definitely shouldn’t make San act like this.

It must be a trap, you think, but you’ve already fallen for him, so there’s nothing you can do except not getting your heart broken.

"As if you could care."

𝚐𝚎𝚗𝚛𝚎: smut, angst, fluff (if you squint)

𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚍 𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚝: 7.1k

𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐(𝚜): alcohol, san is drunk, reader doesn't fuck drunk people, lack of communication, non-penetrative sex, fingering, squirting, aftercare, showering, sleeping together (in a bed)

𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚝𝚞𝚜: prologue + main part, finished

𝚊𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚛'𝚜 𝚗𝚘𝚝𝚎: please know that i wrote this before ateez drank in their video so any sign of projection is like just ... bad luck LMAO but uhhhhhh yeah here's the start of the A N G S T of it all so enjoy lol !!! <33

𝐬𝐭𝐮𝐩𝐢𝐝 𝐠𝐢𝐫𝐥, 𝐬𝐭𝐮𝐩𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐛𝐨𝐲

unknown number: sannie i think i left my phone at your place

unknown number: oh wait

unknown number: yeah i’m an idiot

unknown number: how do i delete this message

unknown number: btw is my name still “unknown number”

unknown number: because you should really change that

“That’s our thing,” he laughs, “she’s smart and all, but every time we hook-up, it’s like, I’m seriously fucking her stupid.“

His roommate snickers and looks at the contact name.

“So, uh, what are you two?”

“Hm?”

“You guys have good chemistry! Or are you going to keep up with the whole “sex-buddies” schtick? She seems cool, why not give her a chance?“

“Nah.. You know I can’t get myself involved in that again, Seonghwa. My last relationship.. I get goosebumps just thinking about it, really. I think she wouldn’t even want that, too. It’s all just jokes and fun between us.”

“Really?“

He turns off his phone.

“Okay, only sometimes, I guess.” He smirks. “But I really like that about her, actually. She doesn’t do it as much now, but, uhm.. she compliments me a lot?”

“San, you’re so fucked up.”

𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐲 𝐩𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐞? 𝐲𝐞𝐚𝐡, 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐲 𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡.

“Hey, it’s me! Open the door~!", his voice rings and San should be very happy you’re still awake at 3 AM on a Sunday. “Let me in!”, he repeats and it’s not a loud, aggressive shout, but urgent enough to snap you out of your mindlessly scrolling-cycle on your phone and make you question whether you’ve heard correctly or are imagining things.

It’s a very bold move, really, thinking that your home is free for him to come at any given time, and if it wasn’t for the unnecessarily sweet drunken “pretty please?” that follows right after his demand, you would have gladly let him walk all the way to his own residency, but you’re weak, weak for him, so even though you do hesitate, the door is opened with almost no significant time having passed.

“Well, good morning,” you chuckle and watch the man lean against the frame with his head, his legs unable to hold the weight of his upper body. He’s wearing his usual fit of a black T-shirt and a pair of jeans, but his blushed cheeks, the smell of sweet tangy fruits and other sour substances tells you more about his evening than you need to ask for. It’s also not helping that his lips look swollen, smudged with red lipstick that he definitely tried to get rid of with a lot of rubbing on the way here — San's had a long night and he's waiting for it to get longer.

“I can’t drive like this,” San explains and his eyes are barely opening while he tries to keep a serious tone as he speaks in short-cut sentences, “and you were nearby... so now I’m here.”

“Did I ask? Get in here, Sannie.”

You grab his arm, or at least try to get your hand around his thick bicep and drag him inside, the door closing with a thump. “Thank you~,” San giggles and it takes a lot to not make him stumble completely onto you, you managing to put him down on your couch with your whole body-power, his face immediately plunging into one of the pillows.

“Where’s your jacket?”, you ask, as you stare holes into his muscular back and broad shoulders.

“Didn’t wear one,” he lisps through the fabric and his voice is raspy.

“Dumbass."

Trying to help him, you decide you’re going to get him a cup of water, but before you can let loose of him and disappear into the kitchen, San grabs you by your hand, immediately crossing his fingers into yours.

“No, stay,” San begs with a soft-spoken voice, face still planted into the couch, and he doesn’t know what those words are doing to you. Yeah, you guys have been having one or two one-night-stands too many with the unspoken promise to plead no hard feelings, but it’s him. Catching feelings for San hasn’t been something you’ve deliberately made the attempt to avoid.

But maybe you would have, if you’d known how painful it was going to be.

“Your hands are so soft,” he daydreams, a melody accompanying his rambling, “so soft and warm, like- like everything about you. I was actually just thinking about that on the way here! I don’t know if you noticed, but I really like holding your hands. They fit so perfectly around everything, and really everything— it’s amazing, really, really… amazing.”

“Funny of you to say that,” you comment on his drunk sweet-talk with a tired— but still entertained— sigh and stand there, dumbfounded, his hand sweating into yours. Is this the same guy that told you that he was uneasy when someone (namely his girlfriend) held his hand?

“Why funny? It’s my truth! Your hands are one of your best assets, second to.. your lips, maybe?”

“How shameless!”

Of course he’s absolutely boozed right now, but it’s been well-established to you that San only wears his silly loveable himbo-mask only when he’s subconsciously benefitting from it. Once you two had met up enough to have gotten comfortable with each other, San’s “nerdy” personality had magically disappeared, leaving you with one confident, prude-ishly sex-seeking macho. The “Sannie” you were looking for has somehow vanished into small moments and yes, it’s not like you haven’t been the one trying to crack through his shy façade for your own enjoyment in the first place, but you do miss watching the cheeky guy push up his glasses during your studies, glancing over at you from time to time, blushing, when he catches you staring back.

“Shame finds no place between us, does it~?”

Yet, exam season is over, has been over for a longer time now, which only makes it more evident that San is trying to find excuses to come over for reasons that go below bonding emotionally by miles. Sure, the hook-ups have been fun, exhilaratingly so. He’s all yours, San says repeatedly, but once you’d realised that he was still casually seeing other people, and it was just a saying, but worse, had felt an aching sting inside your breast when you had done so, yeah, fuck, that has been the moment you’ve known that having sex with this man isn’t enough: You have fallen in love (or something similar) with San and a serious relationship is the seal to quench your thirst for his affection.

“I guess we’ve got rid of shame a long time ago, huh,” you answer non-chalantly.

His hands are soft too. His lips are like one addictive book you can’t help but stick your face into, breathe in the words they say, inhale the soothing scent and make it your perfume — you’re smitten for him. You can’t begin to fathom the dread you feel when something inside you ever-so enchantingly tickles when San giggles, acknowledging your ways: "That's who we are!"

He knows that it's not who you "are" as he sits there on your couch, fingers interlocking, it’s… well, who you had been.

Two people who didn't have to think before they said anything, be free with their thoughts in order to relieve them from the stress that came from maintaining concentration and quality. Have you been with him enough to say you miss the older San? The sweet, sometimes silly Sannie?

"You’re my stupid whore, don't you forget!”

No, time alone can’t tell that. But even the sweetest strawberries mold when they're not eaten and waiting is a tiring process.

“Yeah.”

For the short time you've known and yearned for San, he’s been in multiple committed relationships, which is one of the reasons why it has taken you two so long to finally fuck, and it hasn’t really bothered you while you hadn’t, since you couldn’t know what you were missing out on.

But now— though you’ve never seen him be with his girlfriends— you have gathered enough information to know that San’s got it in him. He doesn’t like talking about his endeavours and you could only get a little bit of small-talk with Seonghwa about it, yet from what you know now, your college “love”-experiences don’t come even one inch close to the romances he’s been in; you can’t help but find yourself fantasising about his sweet ways of loving.

You have had enough of half-assery, enough of hangovers, and the thing is, you desperately don’t want San to be your next failed situationship. Knowing that he is single, that right now, he is able to be taken— taken by you— but him still not being yours; it makes you question things you haven’t stopped to question about yourself when being with other people. Like, what do you have to do, what do you have to be in order for San to not visit some dumb party in the first place? He hasn’t visited as many parties when you were just “study-buddies”, why is he visiting them now?

It— whatever “it” is— has developed into something like a challenge, making San want you and only you. Turns out though, that stuff is more difficult than anything you've been doing for college. At least when you had to study, San wasn’t going around having fucking other women.

“Were you gonna leave me?”

Yes, of course you feel pathetic thinking about it like this; you know it’s all an error in communication in regards to your “friends with benefits”-lifestyle you and San are carrying out, but if it has gotten you two together the first time around, the manifestation must work the second time: That’s the only trust you have and it’s enough to keep you going and engage in San's unannounced rendezvous.

"No, you sound like you needed water, that’s all.”

For a while, San just breathes heavily into the pillow and you caress his finger. It does remind you a little bit of the movie-nights you've had with him in the past, when you tried to make your hands touch inside the popcorn like some lovesick child. Maybe it has never been about the sex.

His finger twitches as if he's already gone to slumber, but when you scuffle to get him a blanket at least, San yanks you back down.

“No! Noo, I need you, nothing else! Stay here, please,” he thrums, lurking from the pillow to wink at you, though before you can react to this sentence, San mutters, "I'm not going to fall asleep. I'm not tired, I'm just exhausted." That's the same thing, Sannie.

“Where were you, anyways?”, you ask and make yourself comfortable, San’s and your hands placed on the edge of the sofa, while his stomach lays flat over the whole surface, legs extended out.

“Where I was? Good question,” San lulls, laughing a little bit, "Seonghwa brought me as his plus one to one of his friend’s birthday party, that’s where I was!”

“Sounds nice,” you hum. “Didn’t know you were a cocktail-type of person, though.”

“Oh, do I smell?”

“Mhm—“

“But you’re right, actually, I’m not a long drink-drinker,” San falls in. Your eyes still being closed, you feel his soft, heated cheek against the surface of your hand, his swollen lips chafing subtly against your fingers. “But some girls came by with trays of self-made cocktails and… we couldn’t say no, you know.”

“Yeah, I know,” you answer to just have answered something to fill in the silence. You can smell the saccarine scent in his T-shirt and you fear it's going to paint off from his saliva he's spreading onto your palm as San places kisses around your hand. "What do you think you're doing?", you ask sarcastically.

"Nothing?", San giggles, becoming a bit more eager with the smooches.

You've experienced him drunk a lot of times already, but usually he only drinks just up until the point where he can keep his “educated” tone to a perceivable level of sobriety. But as of right now, in contrast, he seems to be way loose, swimming somewhere in between of lust and senselessness, which irritates you more than it should.

That is another thing that has changed after a while you two had sex. You are perceiving him differently, more and more differently each time San exits through your door, leaving an emptiness inside you that another person can’t fill, by whatever measure possible. But apparently, the same doesn’t happen for him with you, and you have to convince yourself you can change that every single day.

“We should party together more often,” he inclines, “what do you like to drink?”

“Whatever’s available and does its job, I suppose.”

He giggles, gasping at your answer. “You don’t care about taste?”

“I mean, drink enough and everything is going to taste the same anyway, no?”

"Let's do it."

"Huh?"

"I'm in the mood right now~ Are you in the mood right now?"

You scoff and open your eyes, revealing a San piercing his sunken gaze through you, cupping his cheek with your hand surface like you’re a saint healing him, his nose glazed red, and his lips remain pinkishly stained — in the mood.

This is not Sannie, but your guts still churn in amazement at the sight. The fatigue is wearing off; the sight of the black-haired man caressing himself with you is... "appealing" to say the least. It looks like he’s devoting himself to you, but you’d be a lovelorn fool to think this to be true.

“Or am I too drunk?”, San asks, pouting. “I may sound like this, but I’m really not that drunk anymore, I swear!” He pushes his eyebrows down, seemingly trying to appear serious, but failing to do so.

“You don’t need to swear anything, San.”

Gritting your teeth, you try to maintain a smile towards the drunken man as benevolently as you can. Of course he came for only one thing and one thing only, regardless of how cute he's huffing against your words; here are you, thinking that San was trying to get you as his plus one just like Seonghwa did.

Fuck, he’s still so hot though, there is no way of denying that. The first attraction has never worn off and you’re still head over heels for this man who’s booping your nose tip with his finger on the hand that is intertwined with your own.

“So, what do you say, sweety?”

It only takes one look towards his private area to know that San’s pants are almost exploding from how hard he’s become, his bulge being a face-forward sign inquiring sex.

“San, you know I won’t. It didn’t work the last time, don’t recall?”, you whoop.

He tries to kiss you, but fails to do so, as San misses your lips by an inch and falls to the floor. Your hands finally separate and you rub the inner burning space between your fingers as you remind him of the time when he’d drunk-texted you a message asking for "a quickie". San had made no spelling mistakes, but it had been very clear he had went to a party and returned sexually unsatisfied.

“Yeah, but that was via SMS. Now I’m here, and like, I even found my way to you, and they lived— like three blocks away, so I'm able to orientate myself, see?”, San corrects you.

“Impressive, but it doesn't change anything.”

“Morals?”

“Yes, morals.”

"You know I want to fuck you," he mumbles sulkily. Shuffling around, San sits up straight and looks at you with a saddened expression, his eyes trying to focus on you as he continues to talk you over: “But if you’re also drunk, you would?”

“Don’t even start."

“Which means you would?”

“San.”

“Come on, I’m being— I’m really being serious this time!”

You chuckle and brush his messy hair to the back, approaching his face to a dangerous distance, San’s lips opened by a slit, heavy breathing leaving his mouth while he watches you, his lip corners slightly turned upwards. He’s panting, his penis must be fighting for its life right now, and you’re just petting his head.

“At least watch me do it, then."

“Watch you masturbate?”

“Yep!”, San nods and unbuckles his belt without hesitation. “I bet you’d enjoy that! You would enjoy it, wouldn't you?”

“Maybe. Only if you don’t hold back your moans.”

“Consider it done, baby!”

You let out a laugh and search for a better position for seating to apparently enjoy the view. The drunk man takes a while to get rid of his pants, his legs getting tangled up and all, but once he kneels there, in his underwear, it’s showtime.

Or at least something like showtime. He’s being way too interactive with it for you to just sit back and relax. Whining your name in a needy pitch, he starts to pump his hardened cock inside the boxers, leaving whatever is happening there up to your imagination like a suggestive soft-porn video. However, you’ve seen his penis enough to know what it looks like, so this task is not too difficult for you. You can draw a picture of his cock down to each vein in your mind and you catch yourself drooling a bit, when you see his glistening tip peak from his waistband. You have to keep yourself together.

While letting out low groans, rubbing the head of his erection and creating slick sounds, San searches for your vicinity: “You like what you’re seeing there~?”

“What are you, a camboy?”, you tease and inhale sharply, when San grabs the seam of his T-shirt and bites down on it, revealing all of his abdomen, whining through his teeth. He’s definitely seen the same things as you online and his abs look phenomenal. Those things aren’t necessarily connected, but it’s the two thoughts shooting through your head as he begins to move his lower body to pump himself through his hand, chasing his own high.

“I don’t know!”, he lies, “I just like pleasing you!”

San purrs, his pelvis moving in round circles to accentuate his V-line and muscles flexing and un-flexing as he does so— leaving you quite speechless.

“Ah, really?”, you pant, him answering a very well-behaved “yeah, really~” right after.

“What do you want me to call you when I cum? Mommy?”

“Oh my god, is alcohol bringing out the submissive side out of you?”, you try to defuse the tension (mostly to hold yourself back from going savage towards this man as you always do) and chortle.

“Hmm, I don’t know about submissive~,” San answers, the saliva from his mouth soaking his black shirt, “but I should get naked first, no?”

“Yeah, definitely.” Taken aback by how you're anticipating seeing San jack himself off, you turn a bit too honest too quick like an avid viewer.

He grins and pulls the remaining clothing over his head with both hands, and his tip is still squeezed between his pelvis and waistband. By now, you really want to lick up the precum that’s leaking out, but you try to take your role as the sober audience seriously.

“You know, at the party, there was a girl,” San narrates, throwing his shirt to the side and looking down at his naked torso, “she told me I had nice pecs, so I said thank you, as one should.”

As an attempt to not interfere his performance, you wordlessly follow San’s hand trailing down his chest area down to his pelvis.

“But then someone told me she was flirting,” he continues, theatrically gasping to re-enact the surprise he felt after his friend had lectured him, “oh my god! I didn’t know! So naturally, I made out with her.” Which explains the red-stained lips, okay. Where is this talk going?

“But, the funny thing is,” San laughs, continuously brushing over his skin to give himself goosebumps, finally taking off his boxer-shorts up to his knees, his fully-erect, hardened cock jumping out and slapping against his abdomen as he plays with it, “she was so distracted by them, we didn’t even have sex. Like, she was massaging them and nothing else!”

You gulp at the sight of San lick over his finger and spread the spit on his lip with an opened mouth, making him look very erotic and naughty. His masturbating doesn’t seem to be speeding up any time soon though, San’s little tale isn’t over yet.

“I mean, it didn’t get me frustrated,” San admits, “but it did make me realise that some people can be in it for different reasons~!” That’s where he’s going with it, huh?

Okay, maybe you aren’t being very truthful to yourself, if you think that you've succeeded in hiding your feelings from San.

Let it be the one instance when you told him you were currently only hooking up with him and nobody else, or the other, when you woke up earlier than him and Seonghwa was the one to make you breakfast, San hearing his roommate joke that he should “join you sometime” and you dismissed it by saying you prefer it “private” — San has been presented the picture numerous times now, the picture being you wanting more than this, more than playing around with each other.

Which makes it all worse.

“… And she was in it for my boobs!”, San giggles and you notice you haven’t been listening for some while, staring at his hand installed around his dick, pre-cum dripping onto your living room-floor.

“San, less talking, more making yourself come.”

“Heyy, where'd that come from?”, San wheezes and leans against the couch, propping himself up with one elbow, “I haven’t asked you yet, what you are in it for, my lo—“

“Stop, fucking hell, I wanted to see you cum! Do it, San. I thought you were going to give me a show, not tell me a bedtime-story.”

“Geez, I just wanted to ask you about your kinks~!” Of course.

Grinning, San pumps himself quicker, hissing and whimpering, enjoying having all your attention on him. And even though there's nothing you'd love to do more than sucking him off, you’re still keep your hands to yourself, massaging your own tits as somewhat an homage to his dubious anecdote, but also compensate the vibrating between your legs. You’ve gotten unbearably aroused.

“Shit, keep touching yourself like that,” San responds and hopefully he’s forgotten what he was asking for. Filled with a sudden rush, he sings: “Do you want to masturbate too? With me? Do that, it'll be so hot. I will watch you too! Please, touch yourself with me.”

Too irritated and horny to do anything else about it, you let your hand slide into your pyjamas, and you meet your wet pussy immediately. You drive your fingers over the slickness, silently exhaling.

“That’s so hot,” San admires you and his vocabulary seems to have minimized due to his drunkness. He intensifies his masturbation, the grip around himself becoming tighter, and as he begins to thrust his pelvis through the hole he’s created on his own with his balled fist, San hisses erotically. Still not in control of his body, his arm holding him up folds unintentionally. San trips, and you twitch out of worry which you quickly realise you shouldn’t have. It's just a short moment, dismissable at best and to he honest, San is the one who’s naked, but in this moment, you feel more exposed than you’ve ever been. Fuck.

He doesn’t say anything, thankfully so, but as San moans and laughs simultaneously, almost with a mocking undertone, you don’t know whether the feeling inside your guts is your lust multiplying or your heart dropping. To get rid of bitter thoughts, you hope it’s the first and insert your fingers into yourself, trying to match the pace of San’s movement.

“You sure— that— you don’t need my help?”, San asks with not-so innocent intent, and his voice is strained from letting all the moans out as you told him to. “I really want to eat you out right now, there wasn’t anything to eat at the party… No food and too many cocktails~ Too many— oh, fuck…”

Becoming faster with his hands, it appears San is slowly approaching his orgasm, murmuring drunken words while you just started having fun with your own masturbation.

“Hold it,” you groan, trying to quicken up your pace.

“But,” San whines, working his ass front to back as he’s edged himself, “I even asked you, I— I can make you cum! I can make you cum without penetrating you, so please— just— let me cum! Didn’t you say you wanted to see me do that?”

“Changed my mind,” you say, scoffing at the whimpering man, sweat forming on his chest and dripping down his skin. “Now be a good boy and don’t cum until I say so.”

San is definitely exploring his submissive sides here, his brain almost doing a complete revamp when he hears himself be called "a good boy", a pant leaving his mouth, trying to follow your command. It’s like he’s become even more drunk, bathing in your praise when you hum: “Ohh, yes..”

Eyebrows pushed together, his dazy eyes disappear somewhere into the breaths of arousal in the thick air that’s been created between you two. San is crushed in between the pressure to perform well and his pure desire, the devilish voice inside his head whispering words of profanities to him. The blush accompanying the florid stains on his lip— San looks absolutely, endearingly fuckable.

“Oh my god," you gasp, hoarsely laughing at him, but mostly out of amazement, "you should see yourself right now."

"What? Do I look that good?", he snaps back, thrusting as fast as he tries to keep up with you, almost competing with the pace you're pleasuring yourself. Short of breath, San wheezes: "You sound so wet, and I bet that was all me, wasn't it? Because I look so good? I'm your type, aren't I? Nobody gets you like I do?"

"San—!”

Using your thumb to circle around your clitoris, you fall victim to San's provocative teasing that you’re not comprehending at all. All it takes is his sly, foxy side grin for you to understand that San is asking questions he knows the answers to, knows them a bit too well maybe, but he will not back down.

"Say it! You wouldn't have opened the door if I was someone else, would you?", he asks and you don't notice that he's leaning forward to you the more you fall back so you can reach your g-spot better. “Tell me, tell me what’s on your mind, you stopped doing that! Praise me more, aren’t I your hard-working camboy?”

"Don't act like you'd care!", it sizzles out of your mouth, a light-hearted chuckle following your answer as your finger slides over the spot that gets you moan the loudest, sparks of pleasure forming and exploding in your pants.

"Why? Am I not allowed to care now?"

San is special, but so are you, and for the faint of your own feelings you won't allow this man to destroy your will just yet. You're already struggling to drive yourself to an orgasm all by yourself when San could do it so much better, but you can't afford a drunken confession (even if you're not even the one who's drunk) even for the sake of it.

"As if you could care," you joke with a wheeze and you catch yourself stopping to care about it. There is no inherent shame in liking San, but if there was, you aren't going to be embarrassed within the safe walls of your own home. You need the orgasm first.

"Well, yeah, I don't, but I'd still like to hear it out of your pretty mouth," San gutters huskily with the same grin, approaching you even more so you can see his abs tense up— thighs almost shaking from the withheld orgasm— up-front. “Take your clothes off.”

There's that again, this shift of power that San loves to abuse. Like a fucking metronome switching from one side to another, San changes up, which makes it impossible to get into his head. He's too smart to be sabotaged into submission, he must do it by himself. He's a wild animal that way, preying on you with hungry eyes, waiting for the moment you're too distracted to fight back. "Distracted" meaning wanting his cock in your cunt, that is.

Hurrying the hell up, you hastily pull off your pants and panties over your legs, revealing your pulsating, throbbing pussy that has been rubbed to a numbingly sensitive state.

"Yeah, I knew it, you're so fucking wet, shit, you’re leaking," San sighs in awe, gulping at the sight of your labia be moved around by your fingers, still wanking. "You should know that I’m so mad that I can’t bury my face between your thighs— you're so, fuck, you're so gorgeous, you should be the one who's the camgirl, shit.”

By now, your and his face are mere centimetres from each other, and there’s this heat that drives both of you, his lewd words melting against your skin.

"Oh my god, shut the fuck up," you sneer, flattered by his empty-minded eulogy, "I'm not going to let you fuck me even if you're being nice."

"Can you even make yourself cum with your own fingers?", San hisses pettily, watching them go in and out of you, daring you to go deeper, "I bet it doesn't feel like I do!”

"It doesn't, thank you very much," you quarrel and throw your head back for a moment to moan, accepting his challenge of resisting his soliciting. He’s piercing through you with lusty eyes— glassy from the orgasm he's been fleeing from since the beginning of your dispute, almost crying from being restrained that much.

"Are you close?", he whines, getting a bit impatient. "Please be close."

What? Do you think I'll let you cum?

"I'm so close," you whine back, speedening your fingers inside you, trying to thunder them as forcefully as possible to simulate the thickness and vigour of San.

“Good, that’s so very good.”

Sighs and pants leave through San’s opened lips and he looks for greed inside your irises, as you watch his shaft shimmer under the night-lights, imagining it pulsing through you, all of its girth stretching you out in a way you can’t achieve with your fingers from this angle.

“San,” you whimper, feeling your climax approaching quickly.

“Hmnh?”, the addressed man reacts, and his voice is shivering, waiting for you to say the magic words.

“San,” you moan again.

Tell me that you want me. How bad you want me. That you want to be mine, that you want me to be yours. That you’re thinking of nobody else, that you’ll only think of—

“I’m here, baby,” San answers and swings one hand around your neck, closing the small distance by pulling you closer to him; your lips clash together and his tongue eagerly slicks against yours, him heavily breathing inside your mouth. His saliva tastes of a life on the other side of the globe and as he thrusts into his grip with an unbelievable velocity, orgasming with strings of cum landing on your pyjamas, you feel otherworldly.

But San won’t stop milking himself until you have come to exhaustion as well: When he sees you push your lower body up, San throws his unoccupied hand under yours to take over your onanism, burying his digits inside you immediately. Surprised by his sudden gesture, you back your head away from the kiss, your body spasming together because of the overwhelming pleasure.

“You know you need me, don’tcha?”, San beams.

This is wrong, this is all wrong, this is not how you planned this, you cry, but by itself, your hand rubs over your clitoris repeatedly and because San has become a master in knowing where, when and how to finger you, it is impossible to not cum with him and become a moaning mess under his touch. It’s whirring, it’s sparking, San is trying to send you over the edge of the world and you’ll risk everything for it.

“Don’t stop, don’t stop, don’t stop,” you whimper, feeling like you’re being intoxicated with the poisonous sucking at your neck and the stirring in your pussy; your body is being stimulated at so many points that it can’t catch up anymore. Not missing one beat, you scream out your orgasm, falling into the embrace of the muscular man who is barely any safety, his fingers not leaving your pussy.

“Be happy I’m not gonna shoot my second load into you, because your tiny pussy would feel so fucking perfect around my big cock right now and I could stretch it out so fucking nicely,” San growls intimidatingly, and you notice that his dick has become hard again right after his first orgasm, his stamina continuing to be one ridiculous weapon.

You moan, and apparently you’re not able to say anything except this, swinging your arms around his shoulders to not fall deeper into his fingers that are stirring your insides, “San!”

“What?”, he sneers and bites into your ear, “Aren’t you enjoying yourself?”

“San, I—,” you start begging and reinforce the clasp to somehow make him slow down, tugging at his hair.

“Hmm? Yes? What are you? Coming? Being stupid for me again? Say it, say it for me, baby.”

“I, o- oh, stop, fuuck—!”, you whimper with the way he’s quaking you through and through, but your request gets lost in the sounds of your squirt meeting the floor. You see a lightning bolt strike in front of your eyes, your consciousness sent into the wide space of otherworldly dimensions: all you can hear his San’s stunned gasping once he realises what he’s achieved and him ejaculating the second time because of it, right on the spots he didn’t get the first time round.

“Holy fuck, mom~my,” he coos, finally letting you free, his own tension being relieved as well. San lets himself relax against the couch, taking you right with him on his bare, sweaty chest, your arms rested on his shoulders. “Didn’t know you could do that.”

You’re too busy catching your breath, the once-gone fatigue coming right back, hitting you like a wall. There’s nothing else on your mind rather than to cuddle into San’s arms and get some well-deserved sleep.

“Do you think you could do that on my dick?”, San asks and you can’t bear to answer. You’re lucky that his penis has gone limp, because you know that this man could continue for hours if he wanted to. “I think that just kicked all the booze out of me,” he pants and you know he’s lying by the way he’s continuing to lull. “I’ve made many girls squirt, but that was really something else. Maybe it’s because I never came with them. And I wasn’t even touching myself, can you believe that? You made me cum untouched, fuck…”

San has forgotten your first time.

And yeah, you want to blame it on the alcohol, you don’t know if he’s just mixing things up, whether his memories are hazy because of the months that have passed since the incident— but it’s the only way his surprised face makes sense. Of course people can forget and get confused, it’s just sex and fun after all, but it still feels… disappointing. Like the first time you found out he wasn’t all that “yours” after all, it’s not like he’s breaking any promise, rather than being a moment of “oh, but I thought— well, never-mind”.

“Hey, you can’t sleep now,” San reminds you, “you got my cum on your shirt.”

“I don’t care,” you mumble and rest your temple at his collarbone, stealing a glimpse of what appears to be San being on his phone that has been stashed inside his pants.

“You sure? ‘Cause I’m gonna go,” San smiles.

“Go?”

“Not home! Did I scare you? You clutched me like there’s no tomorrow.”

You bite into his flesh to get him to shut up and he scrunches his nose.

“You make a very comfortable bed…”

“Yeah?” San puts away his phone and installs his arms around your waist, grabbing your ass in the process. “I’m glad.”

Ignoring that your naked privates are touching, you sigh into his skin. Because the taste has already entered your system, he doesn’t smell like alcohol anymore, he smells sugary sweet, the mild scent of his body leading you to further sleep. “Mhm, it’s the best,” you purr thoughtlessly, feeling safe in his hug.

“You’re only nice to me at times like this~,” San remarks with a pout and stands up with ease, carrying you to your bathroom. “You’re always so... gutsy when we have sex. Are you that dominant?”, he rambles silently, putting you down inside the space of the shower. While he talks, he does a little shimmy to instruct you to get your arms up. “You know I don’t mind, but I’m not lying when I ask you to call me stuff. Like nice stuff. Sexy nice stuff. Gets me on~”

“How are you still drunk?”, you ask, too exhausted to take your top off by yourself, letting San pull it off with his hands.

“Why?”, he asks sassily, throwing your shirt inside the clothing bin, quickly rushing to the living room and back to get his own clothing back, explaining: “It’s just something I noticed! Other girls don’t do it like you can! Like, calling me camboy was something, but then you were so mean with it—“

Returning back to the bathroom, he crosses his arms and leans against the shower door.

“If that’s too mean, you must really not like degradation,” you chuckle, sitting naked in front of him. “And you do dirty talk and call me whore.”

“You know that’s different!”, San argues, taking off his socks and grabbing the shower hose behind you. “I at least keep a balance with pet-names, don’t I, darling~?”

“Quite convincing,” you remark, barely perceiving the whole scene.

“Wait, can you—“

“Here you go.”

You stand up and walk back a step so San can have the same amount space inside the shower. You actually have never showered together before, so this one is a first, but who knows whether San is aware of this or not.

You don’t want to be too grim about it.

San turns on the water only to realise that it’s not going to get warm. “This is bad~!”, he pouts. “It’s too cold…”

“Maybe you’ll sober up with the shock?”

Getting some water in his hand, you fear he’s gonna splash it to you, but San only applies it to his arm which doesn’t even need the water by how sweaty it is. 

“I dunno if I’ll get it on my hair, I just don’t wanna leave the alcohol stink over your bed~!”

… Sweet, angel boy. Don’t you be so nice to me. You’ll mistake it for something else, if he doesn’t stop.

“Hey, you good over there?”

“You,” you stammer, “you still have lipstick stains on your face.”

“What’s that mean, “still”? Did I come here with lipstick on my face?”

Okay, so maybe he hasn’t tried to get rid of them at all before he came in. Ouch? — Ugh, who cares, let’s get you to bed first. Over-thinking is for tomorrow, you’re fucked out of your mind and San will be tomorrow too, if the alcohol stays this long in his body.

A sigh which turns into a scoff leaves your mouth. “Yes, yes, you did.”

“Do you think it’ll leave a stain?”

“It should go away.”

“Help me~”

San lowers himself a little bit so you have better access to his flushed face and turns the pressure low so you can wet your hands with a little bit of water, before you carefully brush them over his lips which feel hot in the cold liquid.

“Thank you,” he whispers and you stare onto his soft lips as you answer, “no need to.”

“No, I should, like a nice ladies’ man is to do, right?”

San throws an award-winning, a bit loose-eyed smile at you and uncontrollably, you smile back at his dimples. It’s a heart-warming moment, though you fear the warmth is not going to last long. These lips aren’t yours, he’s proving to you that they’re not yours— shit, fuck, damn it— you will probably not get over this for the rest of the night, if you don’t change the topic soon.

“Yeah. You.. ladies’ man.”

“You said that!”

“I did?”

“Well, actually, I don’t know, I think it was “people-pleaser” or something, actually, but I like.. Well, I actually like both!”

“You like being called a ladies’ man and people-pleaser?”

Rubbing his lower lip with your thumb, you question San’s understanding of the words he apparently enjoys to be described as. What a San-thing to do, you smirk to yourself.

“Seonghwa agrees!”

“With what, that they’re good words?”

“No, he said that they describe me pretty well.”

“Ah.”

“Do you agree?”

You inhale sharply and bite your lip, meeting his sunken eyes, a bit droopy from the exhaustion finally hitting your black-haired apprentice as well.

“I,” you start to say, “I don’t know. When I said that, … I meant something else, I think.”

“You think so?”

You know so.

“Because it’s, hm, I don’t know. Nice, isn’t it? The thought of being wanted by two groups? The ladies~ The people~ I’m their man, I’m their pleaser, you know?”

“Yeah, you please ‘em very well. There you go. Praise. Are you happy?”

San nods enthusiastically and hugs you, forgetting that he has ice-cold water running inside his hand, getting your whole back stunned.

“SAN!”

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I’m so—!” His eyes are big, but he’s laughing, he’s laughing very loudly, getting the shower off and hugging you again, leaving balmy kisses all over your face. “Sorry, oh my god, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t be laughing, I’m unforgivable!”

Except maybe he is.

When San tugs you in, waiting until you don’t answer his late-night questions of “who invented the camera” and “who was the first live-streamer” to tell himself goodnight and fall asleep immediately, you feel at ease: Disregarding that it took alcohol, will again take alcohol to have moments like these, there’s hope that there is still a little bit of Sannie that you can salvage.

He may not be yours yet, and for what he ensues it will take a damned long time for him to be, but San is here, laying in bed with you, one hand extended out, perfectly formed for your hand to fit in it and oh, how fit in it does.

part three: “the red he leaves is different [i wish it was]”

[nickfowlerrr]

i can see it now

pairing: sebastian x curvy!reader

warnings: 18+ only. unprotected sex. fluff. these two wanna have a baby lol.

words: 1.1k

notes: what is this, you ask? who knows. i woke up at 2 something am (so like two hours ago) and ended up being sick - i’m not saying it’s bc i ate raw cookie dough earlier but if i had to guess 🥴 - anyway i was lying down trying to comfort myself and i wrote this little thing. admittedly i didn’t read through it and it’s not edited so i’m sure there’s some errors. i’ve never written for rp before (& i don’t think i will again 😬) and it’s very likely i’ll end up deleting this bc it’s really just self indulgent comfort smut but i thought i’d share it for now. good night. or morning. or whatever lol. 😚

“What do you think our kids will look like?” he asked as he pulled you closer into him, the comforter laid on top of your intertwined bodies.

“Hm,” you thought for a second. This was never a topic you had fully broached before yet he spoke with such certainty that it would happen. And as you thought, you realized how much you liked the idea of having kids with him. It felt right. You leaned your head up and with one hand tilted his down to you as you kissed his cheek. “Just as pretty as you,” you answered as you nuzzled into the crook of his neck.

Sebastian smiled as he stared down at you adoringly. “That was gonna be my answer,” he playfully chided as he squeezed you tighter.

“You wanna have kids with me?” he asked a little more seriousness in his voice now.

You didn’t need much of any time to think about it before you nodded against his chest. Pulling your head back to look at him while you answered, a soft “yeah” slipping past your lips.

His lips soon met yours in a gentle kiss as your hands wandering soothingly along each other’s bodies. The gentleness soon gave way to neediness and before you knew it you were slipping out of your pajamas and wrapping your legs around him while he moved to get on top of you.

“You’re gonna make me a daddy,” he whispered against your cheek as he laid atop you, slowly entering you with ease. Your hands were clutching his back as your eyes shut in pleasure, your back arching as your walls welcomed him.

You nodded fervently before his name started falling from your lips.

“Sebastian,” you moaned as he got a little faster, hands at your wide, fleshy hips holding you in place while he thrusted into you.

Somehow it was still gentle as he rocked his cock inside of you, stimulating your clit with his every move.

You felt yourself coming undone so much sooner than you normally did, your walls constricting around him as he leaned more of his weight into you, chasing his own end. You were panting and mewling beneath him as he took you apart so expertly.

“I love you, baby,” he panted in your ear. “So fucking much.”

You felt like crying as his thumb found your sensitive clit and began rubbing in tight circles, sending you head first into your orgasm while cries of his name and whimpers of “I love you”s came tumbling past your lips.

Sebastian was right behind you, ghosting the skin of your neck with his kisses and nipping your sensitive flesh every so often until his kisses became more bruising and he began rutting into you with little restraint.

“I’m gonna come,” he groaned as his grip on your hips tightened. “I’m gonna come inside you,” he moaned.

“Please,” you begged softly as your hands ran up and down his strong arms while he continued to keep his hold on you. “Sebastian, please,” you moaned out, the heels of your feet digging into his ass as you urged him closer, refusing to let him pull out - as if he was going to anyway.

“Oh, fuck,” he moaned as your walls tightened around him again, causing him to lose his rhythm completely as he spilled inside of you as deep as he could, filling you up while he emptied himself in your tight hole. When he was thoroughly satisfied, he slowly pulled out of you, placing kisses all over your face before he collapsed on top of you, his head on your chest as both of you were still regaining your breath.

Your fingers were playing in his hair, nails raking gently along his scalp while he hugged you and nuzzled further into the warmth of your chest, placing soft kisses along your skin every so often.

“You’re amazing,” he mumbled against you. “I love you so goddamn much,” he continued.

You couldn’t fight the smile that took over your face at his words.

“I love you, too,” you whispered, content to have him fall asleep atop you while you lulled him to sleep. His body weight a comfort you enjoyed having on top of you.

“You’re gonna be a great mom,” he spoke, his face nuzzling into your warm breast while he sighed in comfort. Your eyes threatened to water at his words as he cuddled you tighter for a moment.

“Yeah?” you asked.

“Mhm,” he nodded against you. “You’re gonna be amazing.”

“I’m not pregnant yet,” you breathed a smile.

“Says who?” he challenged.

You laughed softly at him, your hands now rubbing up and down his back slowly and soothingly.

“Whenever it is we get pregnant,” you began, “You’re gonna be amazing, too. I can already see you now,” you smiled as you felt him do the same against your skin.

“We’re gonna have the cutest kids ever,” he said confidently.

“Oh, without a doubt,” you agreed.

“And so talented,” he continued.

“Award winners,” you nodded in agreement, your soft smile never leaving your lips.

“Just like their mom,” he grinned proudly.

“Just like their dad,” you reminded him in response.

He pushed himself up as he hovered above you, looking you in your eyes before he leaned closer. “I love you,” he told you again before his lips brushed yours.

“I love you,” you responded, feeling like the luckiest soul in the world. You met his lips again with a kiss of your own that had him smiling into you.

He moved himself down and over to lay beside you as he tugged you closer to him. He let his hand smooth over your curves as you laid on your side against him, rounding the shape of your ass before tickling down your thick thigh and back up again before he eventually rounded your hip and gently ran his fingers over your soft tummy. He kept at it, tickling you as his hands wandering all over - like he wanted to feel every inch of your skin under his light, careful touch while he admired your soft breathing and contented sighs and fluttering lashes as you melted into him. His arm wrapped around you as you cuddled into one another and eventually both of you fell asleep with peaceful smiles on your faces, dreams of your future together playing through your minds.

Only good things were on their way and you knew you had so much to look forward to with Sebastian by your side.

[siphisket]

Felt emo might delete later

(Just kidding~ …although I might take out some of the text lol this thing is way wordier than I thought geez — that’s what I get for pumping it out in one sitting and refusing to edit)

Image ID below the cut

[Image ID: Image 1 depicts a blue figure with short hair casting their gaze down to the side and gripping their right arm with their left hand. The text reads, “Only finally finding the safety to ‘be a teenager’ after turning 20 is such a lonely experience…”

Image 2 depicts the blue figure turning to look over their shoulder at a smaller blue figure with long hair, the same figure at a younger age, who is curled into a ball. The text reads, “I wish I knew then what I know now.”

Image 3 depicts this younger, long-haired blue figure sitting in a desk surrounded by friends in a high school classroom. The text reads, “I wish I’d gotten to meet my friends back then.”

Image 4 depicts younger Blue now with shorter hair and ripped jeans. They’re wearing a nondescript band tee with a long-sleeve fishnet shirt underneath, and they have a black ring on the middle finger of each black-nailed hand. One friend wraps an arm around younger Blue’s shoulder while another ruffles their hair, and for the first time in the comic, the blue figure looks unabashedly happy, even if a bit sheepish. The text reads, “I wish they’d been there to give me the strength to fight for myself. To cut and dye my hair, to rip my jeans and give each other stupid matching tattoos.”

Image 5 depicts younger Blue in the back of a car with their friends, laughing and going recklessly fast. The text reads, “We could have stolen our parents’ cars and gone for screeching joyrides at 1 in the morning, flooring the gas and just getting as far away as possible because none of us can stand the idea of going ‘home.’”

Image 6 starts out with a wall of text that ruins the flow of the comic because the artist is paranoid about their words being misinterpreted but also too paranoid about posting even the slightest amount of personal information on the internet to keep that from happening so hooray for me being stupid anyway long story short I am not endorsing any of this behavior please drive safely. The text reads, “It’s not even that I like the idea of stealing a car or speeding or anything, I just wish I’d gotten to be a kid, to have had the opportunity to make ‘bad choices’ if I wanted to, for choices to have been something I was allowed to make.”

The lower half of Image 6 depicts younger Blue laughing in the back seat as two of their friends have an animated conversation on either side of them. The text reads, “It’s pathetic.”

Image 7 depicts the blue figure in the present now, back to “reality” where they’re driving an empty car, an uneasy look on their face. The text continues where the previous image left off, reading, “and I think about it every day I have to drive back from work.”

Image 8 zooms out from the previous image, where Blue uneasily grips the steering wheel of their car, looking up at the sign for the street they’re about to turn on to. The sign reads, “Family’s House St” because the author is so subtle. The text reads, “I just wish they weren’t so far away, that they’d take me with them.”

Image 9 depicts Blue driving towards a crudely-drawn house, and long-haired younger Blue sits in the passenger’s seat with shoulders anxiously raised. The text reads, “But even now I remain obedient. I’m still just so scared.” End ID]

[oflights]

20 questions for fic writers

thanks for the tag, @teledild0nix; your post was great! also @phoebe-delia tagged me on this post a bit ago; i loved reading these so much! at this point, i'm not sure who has or hasn't done this yet, so i'm tagging anyone who sees this and wants to try it!

How many works do you have on ao3?

54 across 3 fandoms!

2. what's your total ao3 word count?

1,382,065 😵‍💫

3. What fandoms do you write for?

right now it's just drarry; i have also written for hockey RPF and before that, The Social Network, but a lot of that fic is locked on livejournal. before TSN i wrote drarry 😬 which is also locked lol i'm sorry

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1. up the arbor to your door (and more) - Hockey RPF (2,889) 2. all the western stars - Drarry (2,819) 3. Bloom - Hockey RPF (2,759) 4. Brand New Colony - Hockey RPF (2,558) 5. Morning to Wake You - Hockey RPF (2,056) my sid/geno hockey RPF era from 2012-2014 was pretty consistent! i do think all the western stars is about to overtake the top spot though, which is insane when you realize those fics are 9 years vs. barely 18 months old 😧

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

yes!! i make every effort to, though sometimes i get overwhelmed (i've fallen off a bit with The Star Splitter and it makes me super guilty!!! i need more hours in the day lol)

6. What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

i am a happy ending aficionado!! i guess if you ignore the fix-it epilogue, the answer is we hid in catacombs, which is probably the best sid/geno fic i wrote. it was a breakup fic, of course, i remain obsessed with those!

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

i really cannot think of any standout happy ending hockey fics so for this one i will say along each garden wall. sugary sweet ending after what was a genuinely sad narrative; i think i took to heart the people who were like "Close Behind was so angsty we needed more happiness to wash it down!!" and while i felt like that didn't really fit Close Behind, it worked for this one.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

ha. yes! people were Not Happy about Close Behind. someone told me that i should tag it as the main pairing being Draco/Astoria and add an Ambiguous/Open Ending tag, which was very interesting and wrong. some comments i get are just odd, though. like someone got mad at me in The Star Splitter comments for naming a stuffed dragon Orion, who i guess was Sirius' abusive (?) dad?? i had no canon memory of that (and why would Draco care about that???). another person just objected to the entire premise of the fic, which i suppose is fair play if the premise of the fic is an actual philosophical argument, but yeah. it takes all sorts!

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

i do! i like writing smut! happily, yes smut! i don't go too deep into it in every fic, though, and with drarry i've often let myself get more into plot than figuring out the best smut places. i'm in a spot mentally where i really want the smut to contribute to the plot in a significant way, which i think is a result of taking a two year fanfic break and reading nothing but literary/historical fiction in those years? idk i need to write more, it's a total shift from when i wrote hockey.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

yeah, no, not for me!

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

i've had some plagiarism incidents, and i guess i ask for this as a serial fic deleter, but some of my fics are on wattpad and i'd prefer they weren't lol.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

yes! a good few.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

nope

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

lol i cannot answer this question truthfully. my all-time favorite ship is just whatever i'm hyperfixated on at the moment! drarry is probably a contender just because i circled back to it after years away. (am i in a getting back together fic with drarry??)

15. What's a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

i finish all my wips 🙂 honestly this is not a flex, i am terrible at abandoning projects and my brain will not let me off the hook ever.

16. What are your writing strengths?

hmm. i think characters, especially large casts of characters! i love to write big ensembles and flesh out characters even in big or small roles, plus their relationships with each other. i also think that i'm much better at giving my worlds/stories a sort of aesthetic now, if that's a writing talent? this is def a new thing to drarry for me, since i took that long fanfic break and wrote/read a bunch of original stuff.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

i work at it, but i still don't know that i'm the best at describing things. i'm better at describing settings than people, that's for sure. i get bored with endless descriptions of someone's eye color and i find myself needing to justify character description with narrative relevance, which is silly.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

i'm a big proponent of '"[English words]," he says in French.' Or like, 'He says something in French', if the POV character wouldn't understand it. i feel like it's less immersion-breaking and more fluid. i write in several languages but wouldn't expect readers to, and i normally write such a close third person perspective that i don't necessarily want the readers to have a translation of a phrase that the POV character wouldn't have, you know?

19. First fandom you wrote for?

i think officially it was veronica mars?

20. Favorite fic you've written?

i'll do one for each AO3 fandom! for TSN, it was Mulligan. for Hockey RPF, Contrapositive. and for Drarry, no surprise, Close Behind.

[hier--soir]

hi dude. i’m sorry if this is overstepping a boundary or anything, and if you’re not comfortable sharing please absolutely delete this ask, but i just wondered if you had any advice for getting through the old d*pr*ssion. i’m really struggling right now and i’m too fucking anxious to reach out to anyone for help, just wondered if you had any words of wisdom?

your writing fucking blows my mind btw. i am honored to exist at the same time as u to witness how insanely talented you are 🤍 cheers to u

hey legend! [this is long as fuck my bad]

you wanna know something super impressive? that thing you mention that's really hard, that thing that makes us all so anxious sometimes, that sometimes fucked up sometimes painful sometimes shameful thing called reaching out ? you just did it by sending me this, and i'm pretty proud of you dude.

depression is by no means fun and games, and i'm really sorry you're struggling. i know all too well how isolating it can be. how dark it can feel. but these feelings are not forever. and these feelings are not who you are.

first, i hope it's okay that i share something that i think about all of the fucking time, that i resonate with, that i feel deep in the marrow of my bones. it's a talk wentworth miller gave at an Active Minds conference a few years back, about his experience living with and talking about depression.

“Sharing my story is, and has been, life saving for me. And it's scary, still. Because whenever I do it, whenever I write or talk about the things the younger me worked so hard, for so long, to keep quiet, whenever I find the courage to say 'yes, me too'... it's like opening a door and walking alone into a pitch-black room, and it's dark, and I have to feel my way, and it's frightening. And then I find the light switch, and I turn on the light, and I see I am surrounded. I see a room full of people. There are so many of us. In here, and out there."

there are so many of us my friend. you are not alone in this. you just need to turn on the light.

more under the cut x

something i've been doing for the past two years is journalling. i do it everyday, chicken-scrawling the most minute details and thoughts from my day. and in hard times, like the past month, i journal twice a day. i start it off in the morning with a few goals, or ideas, of what i'd like to do that day. super simple stuff. and at the end of the day, i write what i ended up actually doing. and whether or not i did or didn't achieve what i set out to do, i get to look at the beginning and end of my day and acknowledge the quietest and the loudest parts of it. it's sometimes bad and sometimes awful. but sometimes? it's great.

here's a pic of my journal one day like a fortnight ago [mind the handwriting lol]

i look back at this day and i think it was sunny, you felt love, you felt proud. and with everyday that passes after this one, i'm grateful to myself for making these entries. on days where it rains, where i do not feel love, where i do not feel proud - i look back and remember that it is possible. i've felt good things, fantastic wonderful things, and i will feel them again.

things like medication and talk therapy work for me but don't necessarily work for everyone, so i won't say these things are an end all be all. if you have the capacity, even reaching out to a doctor you feel comfortable with can help. it's worth expressing how you've been feeling and how it has been affecting parts of your life. to tell one person can feel like climbing a mountain, i know. but please trust me, the view at the top of that mountain??? fucking incredible.

if reaching out to someone in person still feels too tricky, you could access an anonymous hotline. in australia we have things like Headspace and BeyondBlue, where you can reach out over the phone or online chat and speak anonymously, for free. just get something off your chest, say anything you feel, say whatever is bubbling up with seemingly nowhere to go - to a stranger. i've accessed this kind of support before and found that it took a bit of weight of my shoulders - maybe this is something that could bring some relief to you as well. if people in other countries are aware of and willing to share their home country's version of this in the comments, that would be lovely. if not, that's also fine.

i hope this response has felt meaningful in some way for you, and not just a mess of ramblings..

i guess i’ll end this by saying i may not know you but best believe that i care for you. i believe in you, and i'm thinking about you, wherever you are. you'll get a special mention in my journal tomorrow morning x

[runa-falls]

Hi, hope you're okay! If the ship game is still open, could I play? (If it's not open please delete this and cast it into non-existence.)

I'm 5'5, an Idiot, long hair, tattoos, love language that I do is probably gift giving/acts of service, I also am terrible at describing myself it seems.

okok, so since your love language is acts of service i was trying to think of a blorbo who's constantly stressed out and just at the cusp of being unable to take care of himself. and then i thought of llewyn.

this man is a mess, bless his heart, but he tries his best. i'm not shipping you with him bc i think you'd make a good babysitter or something (lol), i just think that if there is one blorbo that appreciates a partner who makes him coffee in the morning or buy some guitar strings just in case his snaps, it would be llewyn.

he's a scatterbrain, his constantly tired, so leaving something behind (even something big like his guitar) is almost a daily feat. thankfully you're there to look out for him. he repays you with his love language: physical touch and quality time. (llewyn is touch starved so he clings onto you as much as possible. he's also a sad loner so he always wants to be in the same room as you)

he's been drifting through life since he started songwriting, and though he has a handful of friends, and a community of folk singers/listeners, he's always felt super alone. he's afraid to go back to his family, to tell them how hard life has been lately, but with you, he feels like he can be vulnerable and talk about it.

i like to imagine that you're both idiots together, idiots in love. but you're idiots in different ways so it balances out the relationship.