#i am honestly so brave for not arguing with more people

[mearcatsreturns]

I have a bookstagram, and I recently followed someone because they posted about the overconsumption issue that most bookish social media seems to have. Today, though, they posted another controversial "opinion": that listening to audiobooks isn't reading, and people who claim to have read a bunch of books that they listened to as audiobooks are lying and/or deluded. Listening to audiobooks, she said, is just consuming books.

I disagreed in a fairly politely worded reply, and I intend to unfollow/block, because I find it unlikely this person will change their mind, especially since I'm far from the only person to point out that this is exclusionary and ableist. But this is tumblr/my house, and now I'm going to be as blunt as I want to be.

I'm a librarian and archivist. So much of the work I and others in my field do focuses on making books and reading more accessible and less exclusionary. It is, in fact, incredibly ableist to negate how important audiobooks are for people who have certain disabilities or challenges, and I would in no universe say they aren’t reading. For that matter, a busy person who only has time for audiobooks and for people who just prefer them--it still counts, as far as I'm concerned.

See, there's a difference between an audiobook and a podcast or long song or radio program. An audiobook is still a book--it was written with a particular narrative structure, and the author plays a defined but limited role (once the book is written, it's written; the author isn't tuning in next episode with comments and corrections based on what listeners said). An audiobook is a book, ergo, listening to one is reading. Using braille is reading, and listening to audiobooks is reading.

The part that has me in full Captain Raymond Holt "apparently that is a trigger for me" mode is that this bookstagrammer called listening to audiobooks consumption. In the context of her other posts about overconsumption as an issue in the bookish community (again, agree, but also...mind your own business), this seems particularly insidious to me. Conflating influencer-driven (and capitalist hellscape) consumption with listening to an audiobook (again, a massive boon for the visually impaired and those with disabilities like ADHD, dyslexia, etc.) is rude at best and dangerously exclusionary at worst. Stop letting comparison be the thief of joy; mind your own business and stop looking at the pages that bother you. Focus on the kindness of leaning towards inclusion, meeting people where they are, and leaving judgment behind.*

*This person also said "feel free to comment if you disagree but please don't be mean or judgmental," as if they hadn't just posted the most ableist and judgmental sludge I've seen today.

tl;dr: don’t be a gatekeeping shithead, mind your own business, and

(gif by matalyn on tenor, couldn't find on tumblr)

[cutedice]

i could have a headcannon on the monster + ace trio with a s/o who died in the battle and when they come back in boat their kid comes up and says "where's mommy?? she said we'll be playing dolls when she comes back !!☹️"

((ooooh this one hurt. Thanks for requestin!!))

Telling Your Kid You're Gone

Characters: Warnings: Death (reader dies), angst, mentions of violence

Fem!Reader, Feminine Titles used "mama, mom, etc..."

LUFFY

- He watched it happen. 

- He watched the bastard that killed you commit the crime. 

- And he couldn’t do anything to stop it. 

- It was devastating. Flashes of other people he loved vanishing just out of reach filled his head. Sudden grief filled his heart, and he couldn’t hold back the brutal beating the guy had coming.

- He held your dead body for a while and made sure you had a burial. He wasn’t going just to leave you. He wanted to give you a proper one at sea, something beautiful. 

- He brought you back with him and Franky was quick to start setting something up while Chopper and Robin prepped you.

- He went off to do his own important task. He finds your daughter in the kitchen doodling at the table and singing. 

- She does look a lot like you when he looks at her.

- She looks over, excited for a moment before she pouts. “Aw it’s just daddy,” she stuck her tongue out. “I want mommy! Where’s she?”

- Luffy chuckled, walking over and pinching her cheeks. “Am I not good enough?” he asked her, pulling as she whine in annoyance. He stopped shortly after though and crouched down. Tears were already building in his eyes. And, he’s never been subtle, but he almost wants to try for her.

- Still, he tries to speak. Once, then twice, and finally he pulls her into his arms. “I’m sorry,” he says, still smiling just a bit, “(Y/N)’s gone away. She won’t be back.”

- The girl doesn’t mind the hug, but she leans back to take Luffy’s face into her tiny hands. “Quit crying! I don’t like crying!” she exclaimed.

- “It’s okay to cry,” Luffy argued as she stretched his face in revenge for the earlier treatment. “I just miss her a lot!”

- Your daughter nods and huffs. “I miss mommy too!” she decided with another nod before she squeezed Luffy tight. “Is she really nod gonna come back? Not even to visit?”

- It broke his heart to tell her no.

ZORO

- Damn.

- He sat on the ground, covered in blood, next to your motionless body.

- You looked so peaceful and content.

- He was all for going out in battle, so the fact you died fighting until the end made him unbelievably happy in one way.

- It also left him feeling empty and lost.

- ‘More than usual?’ 

- He could imagine you saying something like that, and it almost made him laugh.

- He cried a handful of times in his life, and he swore he wouldn’t ever again after the fight with Mihawk. But tears just kept falling against his will. 

- So, he sat. Silently crying and deeply wounded. 

- He eventually called the others with him over once the tears had finished and his aching heart settled for the time. They helped him give you a proper burial, something quick, but it meant a lot to him.

- Once he returned to the ship, he headed for the library in search of his daughter. Robin was left in charge, and he figured that’d be his best bet in locating her. 

- He asked Robin to leave, which she did after a moment, patting Zoro on the shoulder before she gave them privacy.

- “Dad?” your daughter asked, looking at him curiously.

- “Hey,” he greeted, walking over and patting her head before he sat down with a small sigh. “I’ve got some news.”

- He told her honestly what happened, sugarcoating a few things, but he let her know about you and your brave sacrifice. And he was there for her as she cried into him.

- If anything, he was happy she was still alive. He would give anything to keep her from experiencing that loss again, as she became his world as they lost you.

SANJI

- “(Y/N)!”

- He screamed your name. He watched the sword go through you in complete terror. 

- It all happened so fast, yet so slowly. The battlefield felt frozen at the moment. 

- He moved fast, kicking the man away that dared to hurt you. No one even saw where he went. For all they knew, Sanji kicked him hard enough to make him disappear. 

- That didn’t matter to the cook, though, not when he cradled your face in his hands and tried to get Chopper or anyone to help.

- But it was ultimately too late. You passed in moments, whispering your last words before going limp. 

- He was so full of grief immediately. The battle continued behind him while he mourned before he got up to help finish. And, when it was all done, the strawhats around helped put you to rest before they escorted Sanji back to the ship.

- He didn’t blame you or anyone on board, though he wanted to push it somewhere. He blamed himself in that steed, for being too slow, for not being strong enough. He blamed the stupid murderer as well and the gull of him harming you. 

- He dismissed himself from the group once they returned to the Sunny, and he quickly ran off to locate his daughter.

- He found her in the men’s cabin with Brook, the two playing dolls together. Brook could recognize the aura surrounding the chef, so he left the two alone.

- “Papa! Are you and Mama gonna play with me now?” she asked, holding up a doll towards him. 

- Sanji had to fight back tears, leaning down to brush her hair out of her face before cradling it much as he did yours. “No bugs. Mama won’t be able to play.”

- He carefully broke the news to her, holding her tightly as she cried into him. He cried with her, soothing her to the best of his abilities as well. 

- “It’ll be okay. I’m here, I’m here…”

ACE

- Needless to say, he was not okay when it happened. Not in the least. 

- He already struggled daily with his own worth, but losing one of the only people who made him feel worth loving hit him hard.

- The whitebeards were big on getting back at those who hurt their family, and given the fact you were not only his partner but the mother of his child, he was going to murder whoever dared hurt you personally. 

- His flames were hotter than ever, and the battle was over in minutes. He was left for a minute, cold despite the heat and afraid of heading back to the ship without you. But he did. He forced himself to walk to the ship and board.

- He felt like time was slow, and his reactions were late. He also felt suddenly as though he were a burden, like a curse that wasn’t worth living. 

- That was until he felt a hand tug on his. He looked down, and for a moment, he saw you. But then he noticed freckles and curious eyes, and he smiled tiredly. “Hey, Sweety.”

- “Pops said you were sad!” she declared, and she had this determined tone in her voice that ace would typically adore, but now he was just too beat to acknowledge it with anything but a sad hum. Which ultimately confirmed her suspicion. 

- She reached up, and Ace lifted her without complaint. She leaned in to wrap her arms around his neck, hugging him. “They said Mama’s gone,” she mumbled. “Is she really?”

- Ace’s breath hitched. She was clever, and he knew she could handle the truth, but that fact also hurt him in a way. He put a hand on the back of her head, gently patting her. “Yes… Yeah, it’s true,” he admitted quietly. “I’m sorry,” he choked out, trying to hold back a sob.

- But, to his surprise, she pulled back. And, with the strength of a child raised by pirates, she squeezed his face and looked at him sternly through her own tears. “Mama was strong! We gotta be strong for Mama,” she nodded and patted his cheeks. “Okay? Strong for Mama!”

- Ace stared at her, his tears falling, and he smiled a bit. “Right. We’ve gotta be strong for her.”

- It wasn’t much, but at that moment, he decided he’d live for her. He was sure that you’d want that for him, and he grieved hard, and sometimes it was… terrible. But, he kept going for her.

[vrisrezis]

Rocket and reader comforting one another during the blip?

You’re uncharacteristically quiet. Something rocket wasn’t used to, in fact it was unsettling to him. From the moment he had met you, you’d been nothing short of an annoyingly loud, talkative, easily excitable and overly outgoing individual. You were the heart of the group, and always brought everyone together. When everyone was arguing amongst themselves, bickering with one another over stupid bullshit, you were the one calming everyone down, encouraging everyone to work together. If they ever had a fight, you always encouraged apologies, talking things out. You had tried to keep up that front, around rocket and around nebula. In a way, you brought the two together as well. Gave them time to bond with one another and become friends and to find solace within eachother.

It was late at night now, and there was a somber silence that fell between you and rocket. He had come in to check up on you, something he had started making a habit of doing when he started to notice you stayed up pretty late, something you never did prior to the blip. You claimed that you just had a lot of energy, or that you just weren’t tired, or that you were learning more about terrans and their strange customs that you suddenly seemed interested in at 3 am. He wasn’t stupid, and he knew you were just trying to grieve in a way that you hoped nobody would notice. He knows what it’s like to hide his true feelings, in fear of vulnerability and judgement, but this was something far too huge for him to simply keep to himself. So he didn’t keep it to himself, he cried to you often about how he’d lost the only family he ever had, the only people that accepted him as is despite how much of an asshole he can be. But he never heard you cry. He had asked you so many times how you were doing, and you always said you were doing just fine. He never believed you.

It kinda hurt him, knowing you were keeping so much to yourself. He trusted you, enough to vent out his frustrations. And that takes a lot for rocket to do. Why didn’t you trust him? But honestly, he knew why. He’s the most emotionally constipated person you’ve ever met, along with nebula, and they were the only people you had left. No wonder you haven’t told them jack shit. But even before that, he realized, you were always helping everyone else, you never let anyone else help you. You always kept it together, you always kept a level head and always put on a smile and a brave face. You are the most selfless person he knows. So when do you get a chance to be selfish?

“So…” he finally says, and although in the moment he’s unsure what to say next he doesn’t think about it. Doesn’t try to think of what he’ll say first, like usual, he doesn’t think before he speaks. “you gonna actually talk to me or are you gonna dodge my question as per usual?” you says, and you feign confusion, raising a brow. He can’t help but roll his eyes, “you can fool everyone else, but you ain’t foolin me. I know you’re not out here just to look at the stars in the sky. You’ve seen it a million times and last time I checked, you didn’t give a shit about astrology.”

You finally sigh, patting the spot next to you, gesturing for him to sit. He does. He looks at you, and you’re far too tired to try and read the emotion on his face. If you had to guess, it was concern. Granted, you should’ve expected that. Normally you tell rocket almost everything, and you haven’t opened up at all to him since arriving on this planet, about everything that’s happened. Despite knowing him for years, you never ever opened up to him about how you felt about things. Even things that simply annoyed you.

You guys have been on this planet for a good 4 months now. 4 months since everything that happened, 4 months since you lost your family. Lost everything. You scratch the back of your head, “I don’t even know what to say.” you start, unsure of where you’re even gonna go with this. “I just… don’t know anymore..” you say, looking out to the sky in front of you. “Just tell me how you’re feeling.” your boyfriend says, grabbing onto your hand, rubbing a thumb over your knuckles. “You haven’t told me how you feel about any of this. How you really feel. It’s just us. No need to be strong in front of me.” he says, and you lay your head on top of his and finally let yourself cry for the first time in what felt like years. You vent your frustrations out to him, how you feel like you’ve failed everyone. How you lost your family, the first family that loved and cared for you, just like that. Like it was nothing.

You scream and cry to him, and he listens quietly. Just like you did for him, so many times.

[trainingdummyrabbit]

okaaaaaay. ranking the library's floors based on how nice it would be to take a nap there. graded by ambiance and comfort. trying not to let too many of my own biases shine through but also no promises. im sleepy. ok 👍

> Lobby/Halls: im counting it because itd be funny. the ambiance is not unlike a hotel hallway; kind of really unsettling in its uniformity and undefinedness, but it Does make you sleepy if youre brave enough to risk it. feels like there'd be a chaser monster in there. and there is, if you count angela, i guess. 5/10 ambience. im pretty sure it is like 60-70% stairs if you look at it, which is deeply funny. where do the stairs go. i guess the better question is where Don't the stairs go. there are also no chairs or Anything; just bookshelves and lamps. its pretty clear you arent supposed to be in there long. dim lighting's pretty nice at least. 3/10 comfort. VERDICT: 4/10. At least it's got presentation.

> Floor of General Works: the vibe is pretty nice, if you can get past feeling like a tree on a prairie. a hawk could swoop in and snatch you or something. the towers of books could be kinda comforting for the right people, though. 4/10 ambiance. this is books. 3/10 comfort. VERDICT: 3.5/10. Don't Fall Off.

> Floor of History: its pretty busy, but the kind of busy where it just kinda turns into comforting background noise. its like the equivalent of having on cafe noises to study or sleep to. less of a "lulling you to sleep" sort of deal and more of a "i am so tired i could literally pass out sitting up." and then you do. might be a little much, but if you can find a nice corner somewhere it might be refreshing. nice little power nap. 7/10 ambiance. not Really the most conducive to taking a nap physically-- best you've got is facedown on the desk. which, honestly, isnt too bad. theyre nice desks. could make yourself a little hidey hole with the books sitting around. just be careful not to let anyone spot you. 7/10 comfort. VERDICT: 7/10. Respectably cozy for a quick pick-me-up.

> Floor of Technological Sciences: the light from the windows is probably jarring as hell, but away from that is pretty nice honestly. a bit uniform for my own liking, but the dim light looks like it'd do wonders. cant imagine how anyone doesn't already get sleepy working in there. 7/10 ambiance. the geaaaarrrsssss.... good luck getting any actual sleep with That nonsense going on 24/7. also i dont think theres a Single non-90 degree angle in the entire floor besides the gears, (which you Really shouldnt be sleeping near,) which i cant imagine does anyone's backs any favors. not a single good desk in sight beyond yesods, and i dont think hed take kindly to sharing this way. also that is the most uncomfortable looking couch i have ever seen. 2/10 comfort. VERDICT: 4.5/10. Almost, buddy. Bring your own pillow. And earplugs.

> Floor of Literature: the little ceiling lights are absolutely Lovely. could argue for it being too bright, but honestly that's an easy fix. its comfy in the way a school library is-- honestly one of the more inviting floors to be on. its practically Begging for a nap tbh. very neat and comfortable. 8/10 ambiance. girl how small is that table???? even with leniency for art style with the size, the chair backs barely reach th edge of the table. looks like youd be ppppretty squished sleeping there. doesn't look like theres many other notable spots to sneak your way into either, so its the table or the floor. one way or another you are waking up as if youve been hit by a truck. 3/10 comfort. VERDICT: 5.5/10. Very polite and comfy, but oh Man is that gonna mess you up later.

> Floor of Art: YEAH BABEY!!!!! very dim but with several soft light sources, the loose and comfortable feel of the place-- this is what its all about honestly. the paintings and such are a nice touch as well. chances are, no ones gonna really bat an eye if they catch you asleep here. it just feels like the place for it. the natural look must be very nice after everything, too. 9/10 ambiance. those floorboards are Going to kill you. cant imagine trying to walk in there without tripping. not a lot of obvious places to set up, but if youre feeling brave you can probably nest up in a pile of books somewhere. on the other hand, theres probably all sorts of little spaces and nooks to tuck into if youre crafty. as someone who would enjoy sleeping in a cabinet, can approve. 6/10 comfort. VERDICT: 7.5/10. He gets a 10/10 in MY heart. Taking that back pain like a CHAMP.

> Floor of Natural Sciences: the same kind of comfort as an old ladys guest room. aka i Wish i could take a nap there. only caveat is the blinding light coming in from pretty much everywhere. its like trying to sleep with an open curtain, but like... all the time. looks like itd smell nice in there, at least. 7/10 ambiance. has actually comfy-looking chairs! seems like thered be a few places you could manage to tuck into comfortably in a corner someplace with a cushion or something. also one of (maybe the only?) floors that actually has carpeting! so no getting woken up by footsteps, or having to sleep on floorboards. 7/10 comfort. VERDICT: 7/10. Probably like sleeping in a sunbeam. Equally disorienting when Tiph inevitably gets at you for slacking off.

> Floor of Language: its kinda scruffy looking, but if youre not bothered by that it looks like it might be pretty comforting actually. i wont explain. lightings pretty nice as long as youre not looking directly out the window. soundscape might not be horrible, its a bit of a coinflip with the industrial look though. caveat? cigarette smoke... 7/10 ambiance. Comfy! Looking! COUCH!!! you Are passing out on that thing whether you want to or not. also you could probably have a nice time tucking up against the windowsill if you can handle the brightness. might even be warm. im kinda surprised actually. 8/10 comfort. VERDICT: 7.5/10. I could swear I've fallen asleep here before. Minus the um. Lava. But you get what I mean.

> Floor of Social Sciences: this place looks like a memory. this is the type of sleep youd get where youre briefly kinda disoriented on where you are for a while. ive gotta imagine the water sounds pretty nice too. and the coffee smells! can you imagine?? theres probably all sorts of small talk going on in the background, just a few people stopping by here and there to exchange pleasantries over a drink. i gotta stop here, i Will just keep going. 10/10 ambiance. i need to bump this up at least a little due to the theme alone. im listening while writing these and the sheer wave of peace it always brings is indescribable. howeverrrrr... return of The Couch. you Cannot convince me that thing is made of any sort of remotely soft material. at least its got pillows. on the other hand, you get good windowsill access (REALLY good windowsill too,) AND bar access. must be nice to find a quiet corner in, too. 8/10 comfort. VERDICT: 9/10. Is anyone honestly surprised. (But still, jeez dude.)

> Floor of Philosophy: the dim lighting AND the ceiling stars??? dude... its a bit quiet, but quiet in the way a classroom is after-hours. a silent sort of welcoming. if youre able, Nothing is going to bother you in there. this is where you go to Rest. 9/10 ambiance. girl there is NOWHERE to sleep. other than like the table. also is that just... water? on the floor? i appreciate the aesthetic deeply, but um. i dont think thats very nap conducive. the floor is probably wood but it looks almost like stone with how its shaped. cant imagine your back would thank you after that one. table's not too bad at least. 6/10 comfort. VERDICT: 7.5/10. The equivalent of passing out in a therapist's office. Hope you're ready for an in-depth personal conversation when you wake up.

> Floor of Religion: this looks like a principals office. cant shake the feeling of mild yet stern disapproval coming from this place. on the other hand, it Does feel Very secure. id imagine thered be at least faint clock ticking-- That has to be pretty nice. if youre the right person, i guess. the occasional ceiling light is pretty nice, but its already pretty bright in there. youll fall asleep in here and either feel like no time has passed at all after several hours or feel like its been an eternity after 5 minutes. no in-between. 5/10 ambiance. there is Nowhere to Sleep. maybe the stairs if youre cool with having to sleep against the railing, but also that Is a tripping hazard, and nobody likes a tripping hazard. has a similar problem to yesods floor, in that everything is Very straight-laced and proper, meaning there is like... nowhere comfortable to sit. other than like one desk and a table or two maybe. 3/10 comfort. VERDICT: 4/10. I'd say you rank better in my heart, but this is honestly about as expected. in conclusion: chesed's floor once again remaining the people's favorite. if you need me ill be tucked into a cubby at netzie's. come get me in like 3 hours or so, i will almost Certainly get stuck up there. ok 👍

[captainrogers-thepatriot]

The funeral of Peggy Carter 

Summary: Steve is called up on to play a part in Peggy's funeral. He gets the chance to meet and get to know her family. He also learns more about the life she lived. Steve gets to interact with Peggy's husband for the first time. As he talks to her family, Steve learns some information about his future.

When the day came, Steve got into his best black suit and somberly went to the church. 

Sharon had told Steve that Peggy specified in her Will that she wanted Steve to be one of the pallbearers at her funeral. She said that Peggy had always had a special place in her heart for him and that he had always meant alot to her. Steve saw this as honor and accepted.

He wanted to be strong at this wedding and keep a brave face, that was his goal. Yet losing Peggy felt like a hurt he had never known before. He loved her and invisioned a life that could have been with her. Through the years just having her to talk to, made him so happy. It made him feel like home, like in those few moments he was back in his own time. Now she was gone for good. He hoped he could keep it together.

As he entered the church, he looked for someone to give him direction on what to do and where to be. He was told that Peggy's husband, Grant would help him.

As he waited he spotted an elderly man comforting a teenage boy. Steve recognized the two from one of the photos on Peggy's night stand in the hospital. The boy was her youngest son (he was adopted) and the elderly man was her husband. 

The teen had blonde hair and brown eyes. He was dressed in a black suit. The old man was dressed in similar suit. He had white hair that seemed thinning and blue eyes. He had wrinkles across his face.

The old man and the boy sat in a pew. The father hugged the boy as he cried.

“I will never get to see her again.” The teen cried out. “What am I going to do without her? Me and her did everything together and now…she was always there when I needed her. Now she's going to miss everything.” 

“She will still be with us and watch over you. She will watch everything from above. she will see your accomplishments. She will-” 

“I want her here!” The boy yelled. 

Steve watched the interaction. He felt bad for the boy. He knew how he felt. He was about his age when he lost his mother. He knew how defeating it felt, how hopeless. 

Steve walked over to the two. The boy looked at him with surprise and stared. Steve figured that not many people he would be attending and he figured it was surprising to see an Avenger in person. Sometimes people got tongue tied or starstruck when people saw him and others out in public. They were public figures ever since the Battle of New York.

“Hey I over heard the conversation. Your Peggy's son.” 

The teen nodded.

“I knew Peggy really well. She was one of closest friends back in the war.” Steve told him.  “If I had to guess she would want you to focus so much on her death. Focus on how she lived and the time you got to spend with her.”

“He is completely right.” The old man, Grant, said. “She lived an extraordinary life and she was so happy with how it turned out. She lived her life and she wouldn't want you to stop living your life to it's fullest.” 

The boy nodded and hugged his father.

“I know you guys are right.” He sniffled.

Suddenly Steve felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up and saw Tony Stark.

“Im not here to fight or arguing about the accords. Im here to pay my respects.” Tony spoke.

“Why?” Steve asked, looking at Tony confused. “You knew her?”

“Of course I knew her.” Tony answered. “Her and my dad worked together to create shield. Honestly, aside from our butler, she was his only real friend. Peggy was like a second mother to me growing up.”

“How come you never told me?” Steve asked.

Tony shrugged.

“I guess it never came up.” Tony told him.

Tony looked off to the picture that was placed by the stage, one from her military days.

“Aunt Peggy was an amazing person." Tony began to tell Steve. "When I was a teen I got myself into a lot trouble drink. My parents had no idea what to do. Aunt Peggy come over and she just sat with me and let me out everything I was feeling. All the hate and anger I had toward my dad at the time, all the pressure I felt. Then she told me: ‘Don't let his mistakes, create yours. Don't give him the power to define who you are. You get to choose who want to be in this world, so do it.’ I never forgot that.”

“That really great. I'm glad she helped you.” Steve answered. 

“Me too. I don't know where I would have gone with my life if she didn't help me get back on track.” 

“Did you know her family? Her kids? Her husband?” Steve asked.

“Yeah. Her family and mine used go on vacations together. Her daughters were like sisters to me. Didn't really know the youngest too well. Anyways, I tried to date her oldest daughter back in when we were teens. She wouldn't give me the time of day.”

Steve chuckled.

“I'm not surprised by that.” Steve replied.

“She told me I was a narcissist ass whole."

"...She wasn't wrong.” Steve said with a chuckle.

Tony was surprised by this response but smirked. Then then laughed. 

"Wow you know when Captain American calls you an ass, your doing something

"I didn't mean it like that, I just joking. I have always thought of you as a good man, Tony. I was wrong about you when we first meet. You are the type of man to lay down your life for others and make the hard call. That's what your trying to do with the accords. I respect that and that your trying to do what you think is right."

"but you still think your way is best?"

Steve nodded.

"What was her husband, Grant, like?" Steve asked.

"He was a great guy. She seemed really happy with him. He was a stay at home dad, before it was a thing. He was a painter and Aunt Peggy was the director of shield. She worked a lot and traveled, but it made her happy. She always wanted to keep saving the world. She seemed relieved to know the kids had him when she was traveling. She felt she could travel for missions and presue her career because she knew he would support her through it all and be there waiting."

"Thats really wonderful for her." Steve spoke. "I'm glad she has such a supportive man. That's what she needed. Someone who wouldn't stand in her way, but instead support her."

****

Later, Steve saw the same elderly man, peggy's husband again. He was crying silently in a pew away from everyone else. Steve approached him, then sat next to the man. Steve watched as the old man held a small picture of Peggy to his heart. His eyes were closed and he bowed his head before the cross on the stage. He prayed as tears streamed down his face. 

When he was done he opened his eyes and noticed Steve sitting next to him. He was silent for a moment, he almost seemed embarrassed to be caught in such an act.

“You must be Grant, Peggy's husband.” Steve began.

“Yes I am, and your Steve Rogers. It's an honor to meet you.” the elderly man spoke putting out his hand.

Steve shook the old man's hand.

“I'm sorry for your loss. She was an amazing woman.” Steve spoke.

“She really was.”Grant answered. “She wasnt like anyone else. She was a truly special woman. I know you saw it in her too.” 

Steve nodded.

“The first day of training camp,” Steve began. “she knocked out a grown man who was twice her size in one punch.”

He chuckled.

“I believe it.” Grant remarked.

“Everyone quickly learned to stay in there place and not to mess with her.” Steve continued. “She was smart and strong. The one thing I will never forget is that she believed in me when no one else did. When the army just wanted to make me a dancing monkey for their USO shows, she encouraged me to take matters into my own hands and take a risk to save my friend.”

“I'm glad she was able to do that for you. Sounds like she was a good friend to you.”

Steve nodded.

“Peggy never stopped helping people.” Grant spoke. “She created shield to protect our world. She went on countless missions and even trained some top agents. Even in her older years she was working with shield. She didn't stop until they literally forced her to retire at 80.” 

“What was your life with her like?” 

He had to ask. Part of him felt like it would be rude not to. Also part of him felt by asking he could feel comfort in knowing she had a good life. That him being in the future at least worked out for her.

The old man smiled.

“It was beautiful.” Grant answered. “The love between us never died or lessened. I loved her so much and she loved me just as much. Anytime she would look at me with love and adoring. She worked a lot. She wanted to do as much as she could with the time she had. When we would get to spend time together it was great. We went on trip around the world and we had parties with our friends. We had three beautiful kids. One works for shield, oh she is just like her mother in so many ways. Headstrong, kind, beautiful and a fighter. The other is a school teacher. She is so kind and loving. She is the most generous and patient person I have ever met. then there is Jay. He's the youngest. He's such a a sweet boy. Idolizes Peggy like crazy. He used to sit and listen to all peggy’s war stories with such excitement. The two of them loved to watch spy movies together. They got so happy anytime a new Janes Bond movie came out. I feel so bad for him, he's only 16 and already losing his mother.”

Steve felt both happy and saddened. Happy that Peggy had such a wonderful life, but saddened that it was him she had this life with. 

“That really does sound like a beautiful life.” Steve answered. 

“She talked about you a lot. She admired you so much and the time you two spent together in the war. You were her hero.” Grant told him.

“And she was mine.” Steve answered. “I wish I would have had more time with her.”

“Sometimes life is funny.” Grant spoke. “Sometimes things happen the way they were meant to.”

As the old man got up to leave, a compass fell out of his pocket. Steve picked it up to return it to him. Yet as he looked at it, it seemed very familiar. It was black and the metal on it was slightly rusted. When he opened it, his heart nearly stopped. the compass had a picture of Peggy inside the lid. The same picture he had in his compass, the one that was always with him. 

“Holy shit…” Steve uttered.

What did this mean? Why did he have this? He had to know.

“Grant!” Steve called out as he approached the man. 

The old man looked to him as he turned around. 

“Why do you have this? This is mine… but it fell out of your pocket.” Steve spoke holding out the compass.

Grant was visably nervous and snatched the compass out of Steve's hand.

“Oh no this is mine. I guess similar minds think alike.” Grant said with a chuckle. 

“It's the exact model compass, and it's rusted in the same places as mine.” Steve pointed out. “plus it's the same picture I have. You cant seriously be trying to tell me it's a coincidence?” 

Grant was silent. He was trying think of something to say that make sense of all this.

“Maybe it's not. You wouldn't believe the truth, if I told you.” 

“Trust me, I have seen a lot of weird things in my time. I faught aliens, a robot and a red faced Nazi. I'm pretty sure what ever is going on here can't be that stranger.”

“Trust me, it can.” Grant remarked.

Grant thought for a moment and thought of his past and how it intertwined with Peggys. He thought about Steve's life so far and what it could become.

“Steve your going to have a great life ahead of you, I can guarantee you that.”Grant told him. “There are somethings your not meant to know right now.” 

“What are you talking about? What's going on!? What's the big secret!?” Steve shouted in frustration, forgetting where he was for a moment.

He was meet with many stares. Then whispers among the crowd. One of Grant’s daughters, Amy,rushed over to him. She hugged him and asked if he was okay.

“I'm sorry.” Steve said, looking to the old man with compassion and guilt. “I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to yell. I just…I should go. i'm sorry.” 

As Steve began to leave, he heard the daughter speak.

“He's you.” Amy said. 

Grant grasped his daughters hand tight and shook his head. 

“This is stupid, he deserves to know.” Amy argued. 

“I told you not to say anything.” Grant told his daughter. “Who knows how this can effect his future? Knowing too much might change things. We talked about this before the funeral.”

“What do you mean he's me?” Steve asked.

“Years from now the ability to time travel with be invented.” Amy explained. “You go back in time to 1953 and you reconnect with my mom. You decided to stay with her, in her time. That's when you and her decided that nobody, in that time, could know who you really were. If they did it would effect the time stream and the flow of future events. Captain America wasn't meant to show up again until he was found in the ice decades later. So you became Grant Rogers.” 

“No, thats impossible.” Steve remarked. “Time travel isn't real. It's something you see in movies, but it's not possible. …being with Peggy. It's too good to be true.”

“It’s true, Steve.”Grant spoke up. “It's all true. You get to be happy. After all the wars and all the pain, you get the life you always wanted. You find peace with the woman of your dreams.” 

Amy went into her purse and pulled out a small photo album. Amy handed it to Steve.  

The first picture was of Steve in hospital room holding a baby in his arms. The look on Steve gave was a mix of joy and disbelief. He looked at the kid with wonderment and awe. 

The next photo was the four of them: Steve, Peggy, Sarah and Amy. All in a living room. Peggy was holding Amy on her lap and Steve had a toddler with short brown hair in his arms. Amy was older in the photo she was at least 10 years old. She made a silly face in the photo and Steve looked like he was trying so hard to not laugh. The child in his arms was hugging his neck, as she stood on his lap. 

He couldn't believe his eyes. How was this real? 

“You changed your look a bit over the years, so you weren't recognizable.” Amy explained. “As you can see you had black hair and glasses when I was really little. When the 60s came around it was medium blonde hair and a beard. You really fit in to the hippie look.”

He pointed to a picture with the two girls at Steve's side, standing in front of the Disney castle. Howard Stark stood next to him, with his wife Maria. Peggy was taking the photo, Steve presumed. He pointed to Howard in the picture.

“Did he know who I really was?” Steve asked Amy.

“Yes he did.” Grant answered. “He was one of Peggy’s closest friends and she didn't want to lie to him. The only ones who knew you were Steve Rogers were Howard Stark and Peggy’s best friend Jarvis. They were the two people she trusted more than anyone. Peggy and I tried to keep the secret from the kids. That didn't last very long. Amy started develop powers at young age, so we had to tell her the truth about who I was. Tony and Sharon didn't know Grant was you either, by the way.” 

Steve was speechless. he didn't know how to respond. He was going to get the life he had always dreamed of, the life he thought he lost a chance at. He was going to see Peggy again, alive and he was going to build a life with her. 

He went over to Amy and hugged her tightly. She hugged him back. 

“Thank you. You have given me something I really needed right now: hope.” Steve told her.

[schrijverr]

I Found Myself a Cheerleader 6

Chapter 6 out of 28

Bumped to the lowest step on the social ladder after his fight with Billy, Steve gets roped in with the cheer team. What starts as a favor to help them out when one member breaks her leg in turn for protection from the brunt of the bullying, sets the universe on a different path.

In this chapter, Steve runs into Eddie at the quarry and they share a moment, before Steve is found by Hopper, who takes him to the Byers house.

On AO3.

Ships: eventual steddie & buckingham

Warnings: f-slur, homophobia mention, child abuse mention, internalized homophobia

~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 6: The Night

“What am I doing out here?” Eddie repeats. “I’m ignoring everyone who did graduate while I am still stuck in this hellhole. A more curious question is: what are you doing out here?”

He seems unconcerned with the fact that he has to do senior year for the third time as he scrambles up onto the car to sit next to Steve. Though there is a little edge to his voice that is definitely dulled by the joint that is hanging from his lips.

Steve lets out a deep sigh and looks back over the quarry. Eddie already knows him better than almost anyone, despite the fact that they have barely spoken. So he just replies honestly: “My parents kicked me out for being a fag.”

Eddie’s nonchalant pose changes as he turns to look at Steve with big eyes. In a soft voice he says: “Shit, dude. Are you okay?”

“Not really,” Steve answers, looking Eddie in the eye, which reveals the shiner he has on his face. It is clear Eddie sees, because he sucks in a shocked breath of air.

Carefully Eddie reaches out and cups his cheek. Steve lets him, because he’s been craving some sort of kind contact ever since it happened and Eddie is on the top of the list of people he wants touching him. Not that he’ll ever tell Eddie that. Especially not after tonight.

“What happened?” Eddie asks, those sweet brown eyes boring into Steve’s own.

“Billy called me a fag, my dad heard,” Steve explains. “He found out about the cheerleading and hit me before throwing me out. Said I can come back if I have a wife and a son. I’m no longer their son until then.”

“He sounds like a fucking asshole,” Eddie tells him.

The blunt statements gets a laugh out of Steve, who agrees: “Yeah, he is.”

There is a moment of silence between the two where they look at the stars. Then Eddie asks: “So, what are you going to do now?”

Steve doesn’t want anyone to know he’s homeless, not even Eddie. He shrugs: “Going to find a wife, I guess. But a job first. Not like I got into college.”

“What?” Eddie exclaims in a bewildered tone. “You’re gonna try and get back in their good graces after that?”

“Yeah,” Steve says. “What else can I fucking do, Eddie? Frolic around and find a boyfriend to live happily ever after? That’s not going to happen. We both know that. The best I can hope for is that no one finds out I got kicked out and find a girl willing to date me after that spectacle. He landed the first hit right there in the parking lot. Everyone saw!”

The words must feel like a slap in the face for Eddie, because he rears back, the hand that had fallen from his cheek to his shoulder leaving all together. Steve tries not to miss the warmth.

“Well, fuck you, dude,” Eddie frowns. “You don’t know what can happen. There’s a whole world out there.”

Steve crosses his arms and says: “Well, I’m stuck here, aren’t I?”

“And that means you have to conform to what they want?” Eddie argues back. “Just say fuck them and be whoever you want to be. They can leave if they don’t like it.”

“What, like you do?” Steve shoots back. “I can’t live like that, Eddie. I’m not that kind of person. I’m not like you.”

Eddie looks even more hurt and says: “Like me? A freak, you mean? Someone who won’t settle down with a girl I won’t love?”

“No,” Steve says, realizing his mistake. “I’m not brave like you.”

It looks like Eddie is about to argue, snap back, when the words hit. He looks a little stunned, as if what Steve is saying is ludicrous. “What? Stevie, you are so brave. What are you on about?”

Warmth explodes in Steve’s chest at the words. He wants to lean into them, bask in Eddie’s attention and kindness. But he can’t. He meant what he said. He is going to try and find a girlfriend to settle down with. He’s too scared to try and be gay. He’s not ready to be out there. So, he shakes his head and says: “I’m not. I hide. I run away.”

“You know how fucking brave it was to join the cheer team?” Eddie argues. “I couldn't believe it when I first heard. That takes some balls. You did that. You didn’t care. That was fucking badass, man.”

“I guess,” Steve sighs. “But that bravery only lasts until someone looks at me.”

“Your parents don’t seem like they deserve your efforts, sweetheart,” Eddie tells him. “You don’t need to make them proud if you don’t want to.”

“But it’s not just them,” Steve says. “It’s this whole fucking town. It’s everyone, who looks, who talks, who knows, who judges. It’s- It’s like I can feel their eyes on me. I could ignore them for a bit, but not like this. I don’t want them seeing me like that.”

“Not everyone sees you like that,” Eddie says quietly. “I don’t.”

Steve looks at him, there seems to be a layer to the statement that he can’t quite get. He could read into it, but he’s not going to. It’s not going to happen between them. They’re too different. Eddie is too out there and Steve can’t deal with that.

“I know,” Steve answers anyway, equally soft. “I know.”

They fall quiet, looking out of the silent quarry together. Eddie relights his joint and takes a deep drag. Steve tries not to stare as Eddie’s lips suck on the filter and how the smoke slowly falls out of his mouth.

Eddie catches him looking and grins. Steve blushes and looks away. Eddie makes a soft noise at that and Steve looks back with a confused look to find Eddie offering him the joint. His brain short circuits at the idea of putting the joint that had been in Eddie’s mouth in his own.

He nearly takes him up on the offer just because of that, but in the end he refuses. He isn’t in the mood to get high, he gets emotional when he gets high and the last thing he wants is to cry all over Eddie.

When he does Eddie shrugs as if to say ‘your choice’ before taking another hit. He looks relaxed like this, leaning back on the roof of Steve’s car. The moonlight illuminates his face beautifully, almost ethereally.

Steve lets his mind drift off in the silence, until it is broken by Eddie, who says: “There is no shame in hiding.”

“What?” Steve replies, more as a prompt to elaborate than a question.

“I don’t want to make it seem like you need to be out and proud,” Eddie explains. “God knows I’m not either. It’s okay to hide that you’re queer. I just meant that you don’t have to try and strive for that heterosexual dream that your parents want for you. You don’t have to force yourself to change. It’s okay to just be you.”

No one has ever told Steve it’s okay to be him. He has never been good enough for his parents and all the choices he has made for himself have been judged by his peers. Just Steve has never been okay. Except with Chrissy, but even she doesn’t know he’s gay.

The fact that Eddie, who barely knows Steve, who should hate Steve for who he used to be, thinks he’s okay just by himself makes something comforting curl up into his chest. Steve can feel the blush on his cheek as he whispers: “Thank you.”

“Course,” Eddie smiles back, almost a little shy.

They break eye contact and fall quiet again. This time it’s Steve who breaks it by saying: “I would, you know, not try.”

“But?”

“But I can’t.” Steve doesn’t know why he feels the need to explain to Eddie, to get some sense of understanding from the other boy, but he does. “Everyone saw the fight with my father. If I don’t show that it wasn’t true, I’ll be the town pariah.”

“That’s already my job,” Eddie protests, though it falls flat seeing the circumstances. So, he sighs and says: “Yeah, I get it. That sucks, man.”

“Tell me about it,” Steve smiles, feeling that understanding and camaraderie he was craving.

“I won’t tell anyone about you getting kicked out,” Eddie promises suddenly.

It honestly hadn’t crossed Steve’s mind that he would. Eddie doesn’t seem the type to do that, especially not with what they share, but he’s glad nonetheless. “Thanks.”

“No need to thank me for not being a dick,” Eddie says. Then he offers: “You can crash at mine for the night if you need. It won’t be the most comfortable, but a roof is nice.”

For a moment Steve considers taking him up on the offer. However, he knows it’s not smart to get closer to this boy. This boy that he likes, who is sweet to him, who makes him laugh, who he can have a chance with if he lets himself get close. This boy, who could break his heart.

And the part he hates himself for, the practical part that assesses risks and thinks strategically, warns of the rumors that will go around if people find out he spend the night at Eddie’s. It would be smarter to keep his distance.

So, he shakes his head and politely lies: “Thanks, but it’s okay. I have a friend to crash at.”

“Alright,” Eddie shrugs. “Just know my door is always open. Me and my uncle Wayne both have a habit of taking in strays.” His face splits open in a cheeky grin as he winks.

Steve remembers the day in the cafeteria when Eddie stood up to Billy for him, when he told Steve he was under his jurisdiction now. That it was Eddie’s task to protect him. He doesn’t bring that up, however, instead saying: “You’re a fucking dork, Munson.”

“Oh it’s Munson now?” Eddie laughs. “Well alright then, Harrington.”

“I take it back, I take it back,” Steve laughs too, not wanting to loose the bit of closeness with Eddie, even if he knows it’s stupid to get close.

“Okay, okay, you’re forgiven, sweetheart,” Eddie smiles, taking another hit, before stubbing the joint out on the sole of his shoe, which shouldn’t be as hot as it is.

After that conversation drifts to less serious topics. They talk about all sorts of things. At one point Steve goes off on a tangent about why cheerleading is way harder than it looks and why this girl from another team was a total bitch during the competition. Meanwhile, Eddie explains DnD to Steve, when he can’t follow his new campaign idea.

It’s fun, Steve is pretty sure he hasn’t laughed this much in ages. They share dumb shit their friends did, like Gareth’s pants ripping on stage and Chrissy tripping over air. And just talk about stuff without having to hide.

They sit there for hours until Eddie breaks a natural lull in the conversation by saying: “I should probably get home. I want to catch a bit of sleep before my uncle gets home. And you shouldn’t show up at this friend’s place too late either.”

Steve’s mood drops at the reminder that this moment isn’t going to last forever and that he’ll have to sleep in his car tonight. It’s already a bit too late to be socially acceptable to show at some house and Steve suspects that Eddie doesn’t believe him, but he is glad the other doesn’t push.

“Course, I should get going too,” Steve nods. “Your car close to here?”

“Yeah, big boy, don’t worry your pretty little head about me,” Eddie tells him. After that he hesitates, making Steve wonder what he’s about to do. Then Eddie pulls him into a quick hug, before he skips off into the darkness with a wave and a: “See you around, Stevie.”

And just like that Steve is alone again.

He sits on his car for a little while longer and looks up at the sky as if it will give him better answers than the ones he has now.

The stars don’t grant him any further wisdom, so he sighs and gets into the backseat of his car, locking all his doors. He’s glad it isn’t winter, because he would have frozen his balls off. But tonight the temperature is comfortable.

Still, he tosses and turns for quite a bit, not really managing to fall asleep, but managing to doze off at least.

A knock on his window startles him for his sleep-awake limbo. He rubs his eyes, before he realizes what that knock means. Someone has found him. Someone knows he isn’t sleeping at home. He wonders if he can spin it as having had sex when he looks up and meets Hoppers eyes on the other side of the window.

Hopper might be more sympathetic, he hopes, but it will also make this a thousand time more awkward. They’ve been the two protectors of the group during all the Upside Down shit, which created a bit of a bond. However, this isn’t Upside Down shit, this is real world shit and Steve has no clue where Hopper stands in all of this.

Reluctantly he opens the backdoor and scoots so he’s sitting on the edge of the seat. He doesn’t look up yet, hoping Hopper hasn’t seen the bruise on his face. He greets: “Hi, Chief.”

“Hey, kid,” Hopper greets back. “So this is where you’ve been hiding. You’re not easy to find, you know.”

Hopper makes it sound like he’s been looking for him specifically instead of stumbling upon his car in a bout of bad luck. In his confusion, Steve forgets why he’s looking down, so he looks up and frowns: “What do you mean?”

He has a front row seat to how Hopper’s face morphs from amused exasperation to anger when he sees the bruise. Steve ducks his head again, as if that will undo it being seen, and says: “It’s nothing, it was just an accident.”

“Jesus, kid,” Hopper breathes. “No need to lie to me. Jonathan said you got into it with your father, but that looks worse than just a slap. What happened?”

“Jonathan?” Steve repeats, unsure if he heard correctly.

“Yeah, Jonathan,” Hopper confirms. “He was taking pictures at the graduation, saw it happen and told Joyce. She called me in a worry. I’ve been looking all over town for you.”

Of course, Jonathan. Steve now remembers Will over the radio talking about it. He hadn’t thought that Will worrying would be because Joyce was worrying, but now he also remembers Will in the arcade telling him that Joyce asked her boys to keep an eye on him.

Joyce has been worrying about him. She probably knows why he and his father fought, has heard all about it from fucking Jonathan. But still she’s worried. She called Hop. She send him out to look for Steve, because she’s worried.

He can barely believe anyone would care this much for him. His own parents have just tossed him aside like he is nothing, but Joyce, who he barely knows, whose son he insulted and fought, who’s only interaction with Steve has been through the Upside Down, just cares about him.

Without his permission tears start to slide down his face and sobs wrack through his body, bruised ribs aching with the movement.

“Hey, hey, now, come on, it’s okay,” he hears Hopper say, sounding a bit panicked at the sudden crying.

Steve wants to explain that he’s okay, just overwhelmed and tired, that he also doesn’t want to cry, but he can’t. All he can do is make a gesture with his hand, a vague waving motion, before more sobs overtake him.

A hesitant hand rests on his shoulder, heavy and comforting. Unconsciously Steve leans into it, which makes Hopper step forwards, until Steve can bury his face into Hopper’s stomach. Together they stand there until Steve is done crying about the unfairness of today, the unfairness of the world, for himself and for the parts of himself he has lost.

When the crying finally slows down, Hopper squats down with a groan so he can look Steve in the eyes. Steve doesn’t want to look him in the eyes, aware of the wetness on his cheek and the bruise that resides there, but Hopper cradles his face like he imagines a good father would and forces Steve to look at him.

“Kid,” he starts. “It’s gonna be okay. Just tell me what happened. Why are you all the way out here? What did he do to you? You can tell me, I promise.”

“I- I-” Steve says, stumbling over what he wants to say. He doesn’t want Hopper to hate him too, but he’s scrambling to find a good lie to explain it all. In the end he chokes out: “I tried to tell him it wasn’t true.”

“It’s okay, Steve,” Hopper soothes him. “Just tell me what happened.”

“I- I kept trying to tell him, but he wouldn't listen and then- and then he punched me again,” Steve hiccups. “And I went down and my- my mom, she just st- stood there. And he- he kicked me. He threw me out, Hop. He threw me out.”

Steve is near hysterical again as he remembers all he has suppressed throughout the night. The moment he has deliberately not thought about.

“Oh, kid,” Hopper says in sympathy, pulling Steve into a hug as he sobs without tears. He holds Steve tightly and angrily says: “We’ll get the bastard. Don’t worry.”

“No!” Steve exclaims, before he can think about it, pulling away from the embrace.

“No?” Hopper frowns, confused by the reaction.

“No,” Steve shakes his head, confirming what he said. “I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to press charges. I just want everyone to forget about it. He’s probably already gone by now anyway. Don’t bother.”

“Are you sure, kid?” Hopper checks, looking into Steve’s eyes as he does. “I can make sure he never sets foot in Hawkins again.”

“I’m sure,” Steve tells him.

“Alright,” Hopper nods, letting it go. He sets a step back and says: “But Joyce is going to want to know what happened when you get there. She’s probably blowing up my radio about if I found you yet. Don’t think you’re getting out of that one.”

Steve had almost managed to forget about Joyce and having to leave the safety of the quarry. He pleads: “Do I have to go?”

“What was your plan?” Hopper asks, with the air of someone that knows there wasn’t a better alternative plan.

“Uhm, stay here?” Steve offers anyway.

“No,” Hopper shuts it down without remorse. “I’m not letting you sleep in your car. Now you can pick, leave it here and drive with me or drive to Joyce yourself.”

“I’ll drive myself,” Steve gives in, wanting to have his car should he have to escape a second house tonight.

“Good choice,” Hopper nods. “I’ll see you there. No funny business.”

“Yes, Chief,” Steve says dully as he gets behind the wheel of his own car. Hopper stands there and waits until he turns on the ignition, before he turns to leave for his own car, parked a bit off from Steve’s.

Hopper drives behind him the entire way, ready to set chase should Steve try anything he doesn’t like. Steve almost hates how well Hopper has estimated his character. Because while he knows Joyce loves her boys, Steve isn’t one of them and it is harder to accept someone, who isn’t close to you like that.

And yeah, Steve is aware that she has had Jonathan and Will keep an eye on him and hounded Hopper to go find him when he went missing after the fight with his father, but still… A part of him is terrified of what he’ll come to face.

He already knows that he’ll deny it all if asked. He doesn’t care if they will accept it or not. He wants to ignore it exists. He wants to forget about it.

He meant what he told Eddie, he’s going to find a girl willing to date him. He’s going to make the town forget that there was ever any doubt about his sexuality. He’s been the target of this vitriol for only a few months, but that has been enough for him. He isn’t brave enough to face more of that, despite what Eddie might think.

So he can’t help, but feel like a man preparing for the gallows when he parks in front of Joyce’s house. Hopper must have radioed, because she is waiting for him under the porch light, looking relieved as he pulls up to the house.

Steve stays seated behind the wheel of his car, unable to make himself leave the safety of it until Hopper is standing next to the door.

Slightly unwilling, Steve opens the door and follows after Hopper, able to admit to himself that he hides behind the older man. He doesn’t know why the small, unassuming figure of Joyce scares him so much. Maybe because he knows her rejection will hurt almost more badly than that of his own mother.

Shyly he greets her: “Hey, Joyce.”

“Oh, Steve,” she sighs in a sympathetic yet unpitying way, as she steps forwards. Without thinking Steve sets a step backwards. With Hopper he’d been too out of it, but now he can’t help but think about all the ways he can get hurt again. A small frown appears between Joyce’s brows that she quickly wipes away, instead asking: “Can I hug you, Steve?”

That has him fighting tears again. He didn’t know a human could produce that many tears in one evening. Fortunately he manages to fight them off as he nods.

Immediately Joyce hugs him. It’s a bit awkward, because she has to bring his head down to let him hide in the crook of his neck, because she is so much shorter than him. However, once he’s situated, he can tell that this is one of the most comforting hugs he has ever had.

He takes a shuddering breath, but doesn’t break down again. Instead, he just clutches to Joyce and lets himself be held.

Joyce doesn’t let go for a good long while. When she finally steps away, it’s to inspect his face under the light hanging on the porch. She asks: “Do you want some ice for that, honey?”

“It’s okay. Barely feel it anymore,” he lies with a small smile. He doesn’t care that he’s lying, he can live with the dull ache. It feels like a deserved punishment, like the concussion Jonathan gave him back in junior year.

“Are you hurt anywhere else?” she asks.

Steve bites his lips and chances a look at Hopper, whom he told about the kicks. Hopper raises a brow, which sends a clear message. Still, Steve doesn’t want to admit the extend of it and he tries to rationalize it because it could have been worse. “Just some scrapes and bruises.”

“Alright,” Joyce lets it go for now. Steve doesn’t know if she believes him, but he is glad she changes the subject. “I’ve got two curious boys in there. Before we go in, do you want to talk about it with me? What do you want me to say to them?”

Indeed, behind her Jonathan and Will are trying to watch the three people on the porch through the window, while also trying to be stealthy about it. It reminds him a bit of the time with Billy and he has to swallow at the thought.

Then the question hits him and the feeling of getting watched creeps over him again. His shoulders tense as he says: “Not much to say. Nothing happened.”

That is a lie to all of them, but the message comes across anyway. Steve doesn’t want to talk about it. Not with Joyce and Hopper and definitely not with Jonathan and Will. He knows Will must have questions and he should probably assure the kid that he’s fine and it’s not all bad, that Will will be okay too. But he’s not in the mood for that now. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever be.

“Okay,” Joyce says, easily. Steve is sure she’ll get Hopper to tell her everything Steve told him, but he tries to ignore that. Just like the two adults are doing. “Jonathan can sleep with Will tonight and you can take his room. I’m sure you can use the rest.”

When she mentions it, he can feel the exhaustion hit him with full force and he nods tiredly.

She leads him into the house, sending Jonathan and Will a look that has them stay right there and not say a thing. Steve is grateful for it. Joyce shows him to Jonathan’s room, where she lends him a pair of pajamas, something he has forgotten in his haste.

Before she leaves him to change and sleep, she says: “We’ll probably need to talk about it a little more in the morning. Just some schematics, nothing to worry about. Try to get some sleep now, okay?”

“Okay,” Steve agrees. Though he would have agreed to anything if it meant getting to sleep and letting oblivion take him. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” Joyce smiles.

She goes to leave the room, but Steve stops her before she can. “Joyce?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

“No problem,” she smiles. “You never are.” And with those earth shattering words, she leaves him alone.

He stands there for a few seconds, trying to comprehend the words, before he gives up. He’s too exhausted for any more emotions. So, he changes and crawls into the bed. Sleep taking him before his head can hit the pillow.

When he wakes up the next morning, his head is pounding and his eyelids feel like they weigh a thousand ton. He lets out a groan and curls into himself, in doing so falling off the bed.

“Wha?” he mumbles, blinking his eyes open, an unfamiliar room coming into view. Jonathan’s room, he realizes. Fuck.

All that had happened the day before comes flooding back. It hits him in the chest and leaves him breathless for a second. He still can’t quite believe yesterday is real and he is actually at the Byers house instead of his own. It seems like he always ends up here when something life changing happens, he wonders if the house is cursed. If the Byers are. Or he is.

Steve sits on the floor, staring at the ground. He should get up and drink something to negate the crying headache, but when he leaves he’ll have to face Joyce, maybe even Hopper. And Jonathan and Will. He can’t face Jonathan and Will.

Jonathan, who had seen it all. Who had witnessed his shame, his humiliation and who told Joyce it happened. After all they had been through together, the names Steve had called him, it had to be Jonathan, who saw.

And Will? How can he face Will? Will always looks at him with those eyes that are half awe, half desperate reaching for the connection they share. Steve has never confirmed it and he doesn’t think he’ll be able to now. What can he tell Will, who knows what happened? How can he explain, when he doesn’t want to understand himself?

With that he isn’t even thinking about Hopper, who found him sleeping in his car, because Steve is homeless now. Or Joyce, who told Hopper to find him, because she wants him at her house for some reason.

It’s all too much.

So, he sits on the floor of Jonathan’s room and hugs his knees to his chest and stares. He doesn’t really think about it – he doesn’t want to think about it – he just looks at the ground.

A soft knock snaps him out of his revelry and he looks up. Steve isn’t sure how long he’s been sitting there, but apparently is has been long enough that he can’t keep ignoring the outside world anymore.

“Steve? Are you okay?” Joyce’s voice comes through the door. “There is breakfast if you’re interested.” Steve can’t bring himself to answer her, feeling frozen. Joyce speaks up again: “Can I come in?”

He can hear the worry in her voice and instantly feels bad about his silence, when she has been there for him. Still, his mouth doesn’t cooperate beyond a humming sound.

Joyce must take the sound to be an okay, because the door gets pushed open and she poked her head in. Her eyes lock onto Steve, still curled up on the floor, and her expressions softens into something sympathetic that makes Steve’s skin crawl.

Quickly he uncurls into a normal seating position, acting as if his location is a very normal one. He croaks: “Good morning,” voice rough with disuse.

“Good morning,” Joyce greets softly, entering the door and sitting down on the desk chair, before turning to Steve, who has gotten up and now sits on the bed, legs folded. She asks: “How are you feeling, honey?”

“I’m fine,” he says, the reply an ingrained reaction. To make it more believable, he adds: “Just- you know- It hasn’t landed yet, I guess.”

“That’s totally understandable, Steve,” Joyce tells him. “Can you tell me what happened? I heard some of it, but I want to hear it from you.”

“My father got the wrong idea about me and kicked me out,” Steve shrugs. He is determined to keep up the facade as long as he can. He isn’t confirming shit to anyone. That only gets him hurt and he is tired of hurting.

“You know,” Joyce offers tentatively, “it would be okay if it was the right idea. I won’t judge you, if it is.”

“Well, it isn’t,” Steve snaps, not in the mood and feeling cornered.

“Okay, okay,” Joyce immediately backs off, her hands in the air in a disarming manner. “Just in case, honey.”

Steve still doesn’t fully trust it, but he needs as many people as he can get in his corner right now, so he is a little more forgiving than he wants. So, he huffs: “Thanks, but not necessary.”

The hiccup creates a small silence between them. It’s clear that Joyce has been preparing to have a very different conversation. If Steve has to guess she expected tears and a confession, worries she could soothe and support she could offer. But that’s not what’s happening.

It is admirable how she bounces back after a moment, saying: “Hopper mentioned you were sleeping in you car?”

“Of course he did,” Steve sighs.

“We’re just worried about you,” Joyce responds to that, pointing to the one thing Steve still doesn’t understand.

“Why?” he asks. Too curious not to. When Joyce looks confused, he explains: “I was a dick to Jonathan in junior year and you barely know me. Why do you even care that my father thinks I’m a fag and kicked me out? Just why? I don’t get it.”

“We don’t say that word here,” she snaps with a force that has Steve blinking.

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Joyce smiles. “Just don’t do that again.” Then she lets out a breath and says: “You saved my boy’s life. Jonathan told me what happened here. How you came back. I owe you so much, Steve.”

At the words, a lump appears in Steve’s throat. He has never really thought about how he saved Nancy and Jonathan. It was just something he felt like he had to do, to make it right. He never expected to be thanked for it. He looks away, slightly bashful.

“And last fall, you held down the fort, you kept those kids safe,” she goes on. “You’re still so young, honey, but you were the third adult here. I know I can count on you. You did so much for my family. Of course I want to make sure you’re okay.”

“Oh,” Steve says, stumped for anything else to say.

Joyce luckily doesn’t push him, instead she repeats: “There is breakfast if you want. I can also come bring you a plate.”

Steve is tempted the moment he hears the offer. He’s not quite ready to be looked at yet. So, he softly says: “I’d like to say here, if that’s okay with Jonathan.”

“I’ll talk to him,” Joyce says. “Should I bring you some breakfast?”

“Yes, please.”

She leaves with a squeeze to his leg. He’s still reeling from what she said, he never thought he would have impact on anyone, not anything positive. And he’s never been trusted. But apparently Joyce has him higher than he ever thought possible.

When Joyce comes back with a plate with eggs and toast, it hasn’t fully landed yet. So, he just takes the plate a small: “Thanks.”

“No problem,” Joyce smiles. “It’s fine to stay here for a little. Jonathan is off to his internship for most of the day. We’ll look later about a more permanent sleeping arrangement. You can stay as long as you like.”

The lump from before comes back in full force. It’s an odd feeling to be wanted. He has only experienced it with the cheer squad. And Eddie.

He remembers Chrissy’s look at graduation. She might be worried. He can’t face her yet, doesn’t want her to know what happened between him and his father, but he does want her to know that he is okay.

“Can I call someone?” he asks.

“Of course, honey,” Joyce assures him. “I’ll ask Will to go play at Mike’s today, so you can have some peace. I have to go to work soon, but feel free to anything in the house.”

Fuck, she’s so nice and Steve isn’t sure he deserves it. However, her words remind him of the others, who might have heard Will over the radio last night. How they might know. With fear he asks: “Who knows I’m here? Who knows what happened?”

“No one, except for us and Hopper,” Joyce assures him.

“But the radio?” Steve asks.

“Will used a private frequency to contact you. No one heard,” Joyce explains. “It’s okay. I’ll ask them not to tell.”

“And Jonathan?” Steve presses, needing to be sure that Jonathan won’t tell Nancy. They work together if he remembers right and she’s his girlfriend. He really doesn’t want Nancy to know.

“Jonathan knows not to say,” Joyce tells him, a grimness in her voice that has Steve remembering Lonnie.

He doesn’t want to prod as to how Jonathan would know, but he realizes the Byers might have more reasons than Steve’s saving their life to be worried about him. It aches that this family has to go through so much. And he feels a bit bad that Joyce is comparing, because his father never hit him before yesterday, he mostly just left.

However, he doesn’t say anything about that and just nods. He takes a bite of his breakfast and thanks Joyce again. She assures him once more that it’s fine, then goes to get ready for work. Steve listens to her going around the house, hears how she ushers Will out of the house as well, before he is blessedly alone.

He creeps into the living room and calls the Cunningham house. Mrs. Cunningham picks up: “This is the Cunningham household, to whom am I speaking?”

Steve freezes. He doesn’t know who’ll have heard about what happened at graduation and he doesn’t want Mrs. Cunningham to forbade her daughter from seeing him. He lilts his voice up slightly and says: “Hi, ma’am, I’m in Chrissy class. I’m Stttt-an? Stan. She helped me with English this year, I- I have to take the summer classes. I wanted to ask her something before I have to go today. Can I speak with her?”

Mrs. Cunningham tuts a little as Steve holds his breath, then she says: “This stays over the phone,” in a threatening manner, before calling Chrissy’s name.

There are some noises over the phone, before Chrissy’s confused voice asks: “Stan?”

“You actually know a Stan?” Steve asks.

“It’s you,” Chrissy smiles. “Great cover.” Then her voice dims again. “Are you okay? What happened? Should I come get you?”

“No, no, I’m fine,” Steve says. “I’m staying at a friend’s house until my parents leave town again. Let him cool down for a bit. Just wanted to let you know I’m okay.”

“I’m glad,” Chrissy says, sounding a bit relieved. “They’re saying all sorts of horrible things about you. I was worried.”

“Don’t listen to them,” Steve assures her, with a dull pain in his chest. “It’s just stupid lies by rumor hungry people. It was a misunderstanding. We’re cool now. I do need to find a job. I’ll call you when I have one and you can come by. How’s that sound?”

“Sounds good,” Chrissy answers. She sounds a lot happier than she did earlier and Steve is glad for that. He hates when she’s sad. “Oh, my mom is glaring at me. I’m gonna have to hang up. Please call me when you can, okay?”

“Sure, will do,” Steve promises, before he hangs up.

He’s going to have to lie a lot more, to a lot more people and it fucking sucks. But he doesn’t want to deal with the alternative. And it’ll only be temporary, he promises himself, just until people forget what they used to say about him and move onto new rumors.

It’s not like he has many people, who want to come by his house. He still has to figure out what to do about the kids, but Dustin will be off to camp soon and the others have a summer break to spend with each other. He has dealt with Chrissy and he knows Lisa is off on a big vacation, because her parents want to spend as much time with her before she is off to college.

Maybe he can do this. Yeah, he can totally do this. Just find a job, get enough money that he can pretend that he just moved out of his parent’s instead of being kicked out. Find a girl, convince everyone he’s straight.

Easy peasy.

~~

A/N:

I'm not gonna be able to make the next two upload moments, but i'll be back before you know it with the next chapter :D

[howlingday]

So has Ivy had a chance to meet the rest of team JNPR and if so what’s the lovely lady’s impression of em

Jaune sat next to his Aunt Pam as she held a tight grip on her own jacket sleeve. His plan to spend time with her had been... well, not a failure, but was being executed poorly. He thought a trip to Beacon's botanical gardens would cheer her up, but he failed to account for how Ren was pretty much the only student using this place consistently.

Nora was hauling bags of fertilizer around, though it was less for any real purpose, and more of a distraction for while Ren tended the garden.

The boy in question carefully snipped and plucked as tenderly as he could. In time, his crop would grow into a bountiful harvest, and he would have ample supply of ingredients for his meals. For now, though, he tended to the small, green flora.

Pyrrha used this time to practice her semblance by tending an empty patch of soil with garden tools. The garden weasel was the most challenging, as she tried to focus only on the bar without catching the spurs.

"Um, so how do you like Remnant?" Jaune asked.

"It's... nice." Aunt Pam said. She closed her eyes. "The Green isn't as strong here, but I can feel it. The plants are happy here, compared to Earth." She winced. "But your friend could be a bit more careful with his trimmers."

"I'm pretty sure he's open to criticism." Jaune said with a nervous smile. He was aware of her sordid history as an eco-terrorist, though it could be argued his mother's background was much worse than hers. Thinking on it, he didn't remember much about his own life before coming to Remnant. "Um, Aunt Pam?"

"Hm?"

"What's it like back in Gotham?"

"Awful." She answered without hesitation. "Gotham is an awful city filled with awful people who will do awful things for awful reasons."

"Is it really that bad?" Jaune asked. "I know Mom says it is, but I can't remember anything about it."

"It's full of selfish people." She said, facing his blue eyes with her green. "People who will hurt you and everything you care about because they can." She then huffed a sigh. "It's honestly terrifying that you came out so sweet, considering how awful everyone there is."

"Well, you're not awful." Jaune said.

"Because you only know me as I am now." She reached down and a stalk of thick, brown roots rose from the dirt, carrying a heavy-looking stone in it's grasp. "Back there in Gotham, they called me Poison Ivy, and it was a name they learned to fear." As if in imitation of her own fist, the roots curled in on itself and crushed the rock in between. As the pebbles and dust fell, Jaune gulped. "If it wasn't for Harley, I probably would have done more awful things for awful reasons, too."

Jaune was quiet for a moment, staring at the shattered remains of her inanimate victim. "Would I have been awful, too?"

"No, you wouldn't." Jaune looked up to see his team standing in front of him. Nora smiled wide, her arms covered in dirt and grime from her hard work. Ren held a basket of seeds he carried with him for his plot. Pyrrha stood between them and looked down with a soft smile. "You're kind and brave, and you're willing to do whatever it takes to help your friends. Awful people don't do that."

Jaune smiled at that. He was always the cutest when he wore that sweet smile. Auntie Pammy didn't have it in her to devastate the mood and explain that Gothamites who always start like that eventually become awful people.

Just like her.

[emmatriarchy]

Witches Unleashed - 11 to 15

Change pronouns, names, etc as you need. (other memes)

"I hate sleep, too many memories await me there." "Are you asking me to dance, or did you need something?" "Come on now, spit it out." "I'm sorry! Forget I said that. You're safe with me." "I'll forgive you this time." "Sometimes the boys can get a little aggressive, you know?" "It's ever so reassuring to know you're here to keep me safe." "If anybody gives you guff, you ask for me." "We don't tolerate that kind of thing here." "You're looking good, daughter." "He lied like some people breathed." "Whatever you want, the answer is no." "I'd rather stick my head in that blender over there." "The brave knight comes to the rescue? How delightful!" "He's not worth it. If you toss him out, he'll just make more trouble." "You don't have to put up with this garbage, you know?" "Son, this pretty little girl could rip your head off. I think your chivalry is a bit misplaced." "I've always had a bit of the devil in me." "What will it take to make you go away for another five years? Or ten? Can we go for ten this time?" "Honestly, our family is so dysfunctional. I think we ought to try therapy." "Honestly, that's the worst plan I've ever heard. What are you thinking?" "It's not my call." "I ought to hunt them down and give them a lecture." "They don't like you any better than I do." "That's your game? You're losing touch, old man." "Running is going to get you killed." "I do wish you'd let me help." "You're going to do that out of the goodness of your heart? I don't buy that for a second." "I wouldn't insult you by pretending that my concern is anything but self-serving." "You've got nothing to offer that I want." "Long ago, I stopped wishing for your approval or affection." "I spent years trying to please everyone but myself." "Sounds like last night was wild, even for you." "I'd like to hit the road before the traffic gets bad." "What I have to say might change those plans." "I'm so glad you're here to explain these things to me." "Does anyone really know the difference between a second cousin and a third cousin?" "I'm pretty sure that question was rhetorical." "If we leave, it doesn't matter whether X is on our side or not." "You remember what happened the last time it got out." "Never trust a big butt and a smile." "I wouldn't trust X to babysit a pet rock, but he can be counted on to do what's best for him." "I can't help if you leave me behind." "Cracking jokes and keeping secrets isn't going to get the job done." "How stupid do you think I am?" "you want to charge in blindly without admitting that you're afraid in the first place." "It's my job to protect you from things like this." "So, what's the plan?" "I can't decide if I'm excited or terrified, to be honest." "Remember, I'm an idiot." "He doesn't look like the kind of man you'd want to tangle with in a dark alley." "You want this, don't you? Come and get it then." "In the Olympics fo pain, I'm a gold medalist. Is that the best you got?" "Now I don't want to tick you off." "If I have to sacrifice my own happiness to save them, so be it." "Just what do you think you're doing? You can't abandon us like this." "This isn't what it looks like!" "You're underestimating us!" "I knew you'd be too stubborn to listen, so I snuck off." "I don't expect you to understand." "I've known that since the beginning, but I don't hold it against you. It is what it is." "Let me go. It's the only way to save you." "I like him. I'm gonna send him a nice fruit basket." "I'm not leaving because I don't care. Quite the opposite, in fact." "I don't even know if I wanted to do half of the horrible things I've done." "I'm not apologizing for that again. Honestly, are you gonna bring it up every time we argue?" "Quit stalling, or we'll end up getting arrested." "If you leave, I won't be able to hold it together." "I'll die someday anyway. I rather do it when I actually like myself." "You don't ever do half measures, do you? You just go for the throat." "Variety is a good thing."

[astrangewoman]

I live in bumfuck nowhere, tennessee, and tonight at the walmart, I saw the most enchanting 6’ tall human wearing a tiny olive crop top and matching shorts with their black g-string straps pulled up over their hips à la Manny on Degrassi and sparkly heels that were at least 4” high. I walked up to them and I said, “you look magnificent. I am obsessed.” but then I had to keep going bc there was no room and also bc I was v nervous bc my god they were fucking gorgeous. their partner was equally attractive and perfectly opposite to them, aesthetically, with like really rugged looks, silver-ing hair, a thick muscular physique, and lots of tattoos. they also looked ready to square up if anyone even HINTED at saying something disrespectful to the positively STUNNING person they were with.

anyway, it made my heart so warm and full to see this effervescent human live proudly, in color, wholly as themselves in what honestly could be a treacherous environment for anybody not wearing something glorifying god, guns, “freedom,” and/or he-who-shall-not-be-named. before we left our house, I argued with my partner at length about how safe it would/wouldn’t be for me to wear my “queer was always here” dinosaur t-shirt to the store—I was the one afraid to wear it and ended up going with a neutral t-shirt w a chicken on it—and then, I got to see an actual living, breathing deity, in their full glory, standing in the bread aisle. *sigh* the gods are real and they walk amongst us, unafraid of any alt-right pieces of trash. I wanted to bow at their feet.

I’ve decided I’m going to be more brave. I watched a lot of people being kind to both of them while they were there, and they all seemed ready to speak up if anyone said anything to the contrary. to hell with being afraid of being myself and hiding away in my own fucking home. there ARE good people still out there. this pocket of the world I’m forced to live in isn’t all bad. the bad ones just happen to be the loudest bc they’re the most insecure. I almost feel sorry for them. (almost.)

anyway, happy pride, angels 💕

[thestressedsimmer]

April 1311

Joan awoke in the early hours of the morning barely able to speak from her pain. Daemon scooped her up and rushed her to the nearest physician's building - right by the almshouse and a small chapel. The King was informed of his sister's condition and he sent his finest physician to assist in her care.

But the prognosis was grim.

Daemon couldn't hold in his panic - but he did let himself outside. As Joan was checked over, she was rather calm, by comparison. She seemed to have almost accepted any outcome that the Watcher wanted to give.

Daemon was told to keep Joan moving as much as possible, but his wife was weak and couldn't move on her own. He had to support almost all of her weight. As he rocked her, he was holding back tears. . . But she was speaking to him.

"My sister is here. . . She has come to get me, my love." She mumbled against his chest.

"No. . . Joan, you mustn't talk that way."

"But it's true. My little sister is here. She needs me, Daemon. She needs me to come and guide her to Paradise's gates. She always was too scared to go new places alone, you know? I always had to accompany her. . ."

" I believe she can wait a little longer. I need you. Our children need you."

Joan went quiet at that. She knew. She knew that she couldn't fight to stay with her husband and children. Besides, they had each other. Elizabeth had nobody. Their father was well within Paradise by now, the girls would have to find him together. And honestly, she just thanks the Watcher that she got to meet her niece and nephew before it was time.

Daemon, noticing his wife's silence, realized that he had to be brave. He had to be her husband and find the strength that she needs. If this is truly a goodbye, would he ever stop regretting it if he argued with her the whole time? And if it wasn't a goodbye, then what is the harm in indulging her while she was delirious?

He cupped her face and tilted it up so their eyes met. He loved her eyes. He remembered gazing into them on their wedding day, as giddy as a teenager in love despite it being his second marriage in his 30s.

"Alright, my love. I am sorry. It was just my selfishness talking. . . I adore you. I love you, Joan. And if you do go, I will miss you more than anything else. There will never be another for me. Not even if I was offered all of the world's riches."

"Oh, you do not have to promise that. . . I want you to be happy if the opportunity arises." She mumbled, a little smile on her face. She looked truly serene. "I love you, Daemon."

Their last kiss was full of a thousand of unspoken words. They had a true romance, fit for people in their younger years, and it was an amazing experience. They have a wonderful son and, with all of the physicians around, their other child has a fighting chance to stay on the Earth.

"I will come and get you when it is your time to go." She mumbled against his lips. He could feel her growing weak against him and it was a horrible feeling. Something that would stick with him forever.

"I look forward to it." He responded.

"Don't look forward to it too much. I will not be happy if you leave our children too soon." As Joan spoke, Daemon led her to the bed, laying her on it.

Her hand rested in his, smiling as she saw him looking down on her. "Remember the names we picked?"

"I do."

"Good. I love you all.... my boys...."

[high-dragon-bait]

Alright while I am temporarily barred from playing the Sims while it repairs itself in hopes of avoiding the white screen of death going forwards I'm going to go on a mildly unhinged ramble/rant on why my FenHawke baby is so important to me and why I genuinely believe she enhances my worldstate when usually DA babies are purely self indulgent for me. I've mentioned this in bits before but this is where I fully go off the rails

Fenris' final quest is tragic, while it can be argued it is ultimately bittersweet, you can't ignore the tragedy of Fenris and Varania's story. They both lose everything in that moment, and it's honestly hard to argue who lost more. It's easy to look at Varania's actions and hate her, but I tend to be on the side of the people who don't excuse what she did, but acknowledge she likely genuinely believed she had no choice. She was an elf in Tevinter born a slave, being given the chance to become a magister. That's huge. Maybe even unheard of in Tevinter. Who knows if Danarius was telling the truth, but if you look at it from her perspective, was she ever going to get a better opportunity to get out than that?

There was never going to be a happy ending for them, and by the end of it they both lose their only remaining family. That's always going to be a tragedy.

But, depending on how you go about it, you can encourage Fenris to look to the future. He's finally done running, the path ahead is uncertain, but at least it's there. Nothing is barring him from it now, and I think that's also why he chooses to get back with Hawke in that moment. That's his first step down that path. He's told Hawke he doesn't know how to start over again, he doesn't know what a new, free life would mean. But he's being brave, allowing himself to forgive what he'd done in his past and try again.

So, what's all this got to do with my Hawke and Fenris having a kid?

I do think, given all that, Fenris getting to have a child is a perfect bookend to this whole journey.

Think about it, Fenris wants a family. He wants something that's his, and he's not wrong for that. He tries to look into his past, find the family he's heard about even if he doesn't remember her, it's something. And that past stabs him in the back, and so he mourns it, and finally decides to try having a future.

And somewhere down that road, he's rewarded with a family. His family. A family he knows and a family he made entirely while he was free. It's not always perfect, it's not always easy, but it's his. He never imagined getting to have this, he never let himself indulge in the idea of what an "after" running would look like, but here it is. Here is his now.

That feels like a victory, that feels like the best ending he could have.

Before anyone says it obviously a child is not the only way for this arc to come full circle for Fenris. Found family is just as important and can mean just as much! Hell, Fenris doesn't even need to be in a romantic relationship and can STILL, easily, get just as happy of an ending. This is is just me, and my version of this story, and in my story, I love this. I love that this little bit of self-indulgence turned into something I truly think is a beautiful ending for one of my favorite characters

So that's why I love FenHawke babies

[hughungrybear]

Me watching Laws of Attraction Ep. 5:

1. After two days of not being able to watch, I can finally sit back and continue this series 😭😭😭😭 Starting with Charn accusing the friendly neighbours as traitors (specifically, the brave lady from previous episode, Nam). I don't buy this. I still maintain that Charn's assistant (Wit) is highly sus.

2. Oh, wait. So, Nam DID sold Tin out??? I still have a hard time believing it. I think she's telling the truth about trying to set the reporter straight (which, unfortunately backfired). But I don't think she's the one who reveal all of Charn's cards to Thattep.

3. Charn, you and Tin just reconciled. Don't mess things up.

4. OMG. Tonkhao's bestie is also using the doll in public 😭😭😭 I hope Thattep does not find her (and the doll) first.

5. Grandma still captaining the ship, apparently 😅 Sidenote, I don't think I like this transition. We just saw Tin and Charn arguing about each other beliefs and morals, next thing we see Charn is in Tin's bedroom with an almost naked and newly bathe Tin. From a plot's perspective, it doesn't make much sense that they (especially Tin) are more than okay with each other's company (and flirting) again. 😑 Don't get me wrong, the scenes are cute. It's just that I think the timing (or editing) is wrong.

7. Charn is, opportunistic, to put it nicely. He just needs to channel that talent into good use. However, his cynicism is hindering him from looking at things from a (morally) positive angle.

8. I have said this from the very first episode: GIVE US CHARN'S FULL BACKSTORY, GAWD DAMMIT. I am this close 🤏 to googling spoilers 😭😭😭

9. Ms Club Owner and the gorgeous Silvy (in hot pink) side-eyeing Charn throughout the whole phone conversation is 😂😂😂 Also, Charn called Ms Club Owner, "auntie". Is he really her nephew? Because y'know, us Asians can call any female "auntie" (even complete strangers) without batting an eyelash 😂😂😂

10. Noooo, Charn. Don't leave Tonkhao's things in the open like that with Wit. 😭😭😭

11. Wit asking questions about the doll just heightens my suspicions towards him. So, yeah Charn, take your own advice and don't trust anyone, especially Wit.

12. I feel bad for Chai. I mean, wasn't it enough that they made him a fallguy? He needed to be killed too? The fvck. Also, the calculated way that Charn sacrificed this man's life to draw out the mole is every bit disgusting.

13. Thattep's reasoning. I cannot. 🤯🤯🤯🤯 What a sh*tty father. So, the reason why his own son is his first choice to be the fallguy is because it is a given that he will get away with it (just a probation, guys. No biggie /s)? He would rather have his son wrongfully labeled as criminal to what end???

14. Tanthai getting gaslit and made to believe that he caused two innocent people killed should be the bodyguard's cue to switch sides and tell the truth to protect his young master.

15. I KNEW IT. Then again, the series made it obvious that Wit cannot be trusted. Okay, I did not anticipate the gun(s), the action scenes, or that office fire/explosion that followed. Still, 😂😂😂😂

16. Not sure why the office exploded, honestly. I get it is for dramatic effect (and ensures that Wit is truly dead). But then again, from a realistic point of view, that sh*t shouldn't have happened unless Charn was keeping something that is highly explosive in HIS LAW OFFICE.

17. Grandma has a glow-up courtesy of Silvy (Maya) in a gorgeous 1920s-inspired fit. At this point, I seriously should start a Silvy fan club lol.

17. After the night's excitement, forgive me if I'm eyerolling Tin's highly questionable timing to flirt with Charn. 🙄🙄🙄

18. Mr. Bodyguard, sir, get an effing clue. At this point, I will not be surprised if Tanthai tries to un-alive himself.

19. Grandma being supportive of TinCharn's happiness is 🥺🥺🥺

20. Charn sleeps exactly like my two-year old nephew, right to the part of kicking anybody who shares the bed 😂😂😂😂 His parents learnt to sleep the very edge of the bed - sideways lol

21. Hold up. I think Wit is already effed up in the head, even without Charn's influence. He just got emboldened by Charn's very lax and questionable take on justice.

22. Wait, did Tonkhao's bestie moved to the town where Charn's traumatic past happened??? <after five seconds> Yep, there it is. Also, did the government has something to do with Charn's mum's death???

23. Charn's disgusting morals rears its ugly head again. Seriously, I wanted Ms Club Owner to slap him hard so he can get back to his senses.

It's official. I am having a love-hate fascination with Charn. He is so desperate to play an anti-hero that is almost pathetic, not to mention downright depressing. Will I get to finally see Charn's backstory in the next episode? I really hope so.

[killerandhealerqueen]

Hi! The idea of Wang Meng as a policeman does not leave me. You can modern au, you can canon time. Wang Meng is a policeman, one of the best. They say about him that he is a lone wolf, he does not like to work in pairs. The only thing that annoys him is working with Jian Yuelou. They are always like a cat and a dog fighting in the department if their paths cross. Their exchange of sarcasm has become a legend among colleagues. But despite the "enmity" they have an unspoken rule: not to touch the topic of family. When someone started making jokes about Jian Yuelou's mother, Wang Meng shut the jokers up harshly. Jian Yuelou also does not allow joking about a colleague. One day they fight again and Commissioner Bai in a rage puts them as partners. And it's not up for discussion. They have to put up with each other and work together. During the mission, Wang Meng is wounded and refuses to go to the hospital. A young man flies into the station like a hurricane and in a rage tells him everything he thinks about him and about his immorality. Jian Yuelou is surprised to see the fearless Wang Meng turn pale and remain silent. Then he finds out that the young man's name is Chen Yuzhi, he is a doctor and Wang Meng's younger brother. Jian Yuelou liked the brave guy and wants to communicate with him. Wang Meng is against it at first, but after seeing how Jian Yuelou is willing to do anything for his brother, he agrees. I rolled up the sheet again🙈

Oh, I love this! Yes, yes, mm, love this (also, I apologize for the delay, I hope you enjoy!)

Wang Meng and Jiang Yuelou never got along

It didn’t matter that they were in the same class at the academy together, had trained together, graduated together…none of that fucking fucking mattered

Why, you may ask?

Because Jiang Yuelou and Wang Meng fucking hated each other

Both men were lone wolfs (which is terrible when you work in a job that requires teamwork) but that’s just how they operated

And anytime their paths crossed…be prepared to have a drink and some popcorn because they were going to put on a show

However, what most people didn’t know was that while Wang Meng and Jiang Yuelou hated each other…they also had a sort-of…mutual understanding with one another

And that was: don’t talk about the other’s family

While they didn’t know much about the other’s personal life, they both knew that their families were touchy subjects so if Wang Meng ever heard someone whispering or starting to spread rumors about Jiang Yuelou’s past, he would shut that shit down, much to everyone’s shock because uh…doesn’t he hate Jiang Yuelou?

And for Jiang Yuelou, if he ever heard someone talking bad about Wang Meng, or about Wang Meng’s family as well, he was all up in the person’s face, acting like an angry chihuahua (who could actually cause some harm)

Many people in the police academy during their time at the academy were confused by this behavior because…they never got along so why were they standing up for each other?

Of course, no one ever dwelt on this question for too long because Jiang Yuelou and Wang Meng fought more than they stood up for each other

Their fights/arguments were honestly stuff of legends in the police academy…and also the bane of Commissioner Bai Jinbo’s existence

While he couldn’t deny that they were both great detectives…if they wanted to make it anywhere in the police department, they were going to have to learn to work with others so…he decided to put them together on a case

However, when Jiang Yuelou and Wang Meng found out about this…they were not happy

“Commissioner!  Why do I have to work with him of all people?!”

Bai Jinbo huffed

“Because if either one of you want to become great leaders in this department, you are going to have to learn to rely on others and trust others…you cannot rely on yourself all the time.  So, you two are going to work together.  Am I clear?”

Jiang Yuelou and Wang Meng both made faces, as they weren’t entire thrilled by the idea, but they weren’t going to argue with Bai Jinbo so they both just dipped their head

“Yes Commissioner”

Bai Jinbo smiled

“Dismissed”

Jiang Yuelou and Wang Meng nodded before they turned and headed out of the office, both men shooting each other ugly glares on the way out

“Better not slow me down”

Wang Meng scoffed

“I should say the same”

So, during their mission, Wang Meng and Jiang Yuelou worked together, sharing information and sources, bouncing theories and plan ideas off each other, and when it was time for the opium den raid, they trusted each other…enough…to have the other’s back

However, during the raid, things didn’t go exactly how they had planned, and it turned into a giant firefight, with Wang Meng taking a bullet to the gut at one point shoving Jiang Yuelou out of the way of an incoming bullet

“Wang Meng!”

Jiang Yuelou quickly ran over to him and grabbed him, helping him to his feet before he looked over at the other officers

“Fall back!  Retreat!”

They then turned, running out of the opium den, Wang Meng leaning heavily on Jiang Yuelou as they ran

“Wang Meng, we need to get you to a hospital”

Wang Meng shook his head

“I’m fine…”

Jiang Yuelou looked at him incredulously

“You’re not fine!”

Wang Meng huffed

“Just take me back to the department”

Jiang Yuelou growled but didn’t say anything as he guided him over to one of the cars and helped him inside before he got in the driver’s seat

“Fucking put some pressure on that wound.  Don’t you dare make a mess in my car”

Wang Meng chuckled weakly

“I won’t”

Jiang Yuelou hummed before he reversed away from the den and shifted into drive, driving back to the police department

When they returned to the department, Jiang Yuelou helped Wang Meng out of the car and guided him into the department, helping him to their office before sitting him down on the couch

“Wang Meng, I’m serious, you need to go to a hospital”

Wang Meng shook his head as he pressed a hand to his wound

“I’ll be fine”

Just then, the door to their office suddenly burst open and a man dressed in a three-piece suit holding a medical kt burst in, his eyes wide

“Wang Meng!”

At his name, Jiang Yuelou turned and Wang Meng looked up and when he saw the young man, his face paled

“Yuzhi”

The young man, Dr. Chen Yuzhi, then rushed forward and knelt before him, looking at his bleeding abdomen

“What happened?!”

Wang Meng hummed

“Took a bullet to the stomach”

Chen Yuzhi shook his head

“Why are you here and not in a hospital?!”

Wang Meng huffed

“Because I’m fine”

“YOU’RE NOT FINE!”

Both Jiang Yuelou and Chen Yuzhi looked at each other in shock as Wang Meng groaned softly

“Oh no, there’s two of them”

Chen Yuzhi looked back at him and huffed

“Oh shut up.  Now lie down”

Wang Meng frowned

“What?”

Chen Yuzhi huffed again as he removed his suit jacket and placed it on the armchair near him

“If you’re not going to a hospital, then I’m going to have to perform emergency surgery so you don’t fucking die on me”

Wang Meng shook his head

“Yuzhi, that’s not—”

“Shut up and lie down”

Wang Meng flinched at his tone before he sighed and laid down, Chen Yuzhi reaching out to unbutton his suit vest before he unbuttoned his dress shirt, looking at the damage done

“Ugh, I wish you had gone to a hospital…”

He then looked over at Jiang Yuelou

“Can you get me a towel and a bowl or something?”

Jiang Yuelou nodded and quickly ran to get what he need as Chen Yuzhi looked at Wang Meng and shook his head

“You fucking idiot.  You should have been more careful”

Wang Meng huffed

“Well, I didn’t exactly want my partner to take the bullet so…”

Chen Yuzhi looked at him in surprise

“You…actually took a bullet for someone?”

Wang Meng hummed

“Shocking, I know”

He then hissed and clutched at his abdomen, just as Jiang Yuelou rushed back into the office with the bowl and towel

“Here”

He then handed them to Chen Yuzhi, who dipped his head before he reached out and took the teapot full of water on the coffee table and poured it into the bowl, soaking the towel in the water before he wrung it out and began to clean the blood away from the wound so that he could see what he was working with

Once the area was clean, he quickly opened his kit, pulling out some instruments before he slipped on gloves and took a deep breath, looking at Wang Meng

“Ready?”

Wang Meng shrugged

“Do I have a choice?”

Chen Yuzhi shook his head

“Not really”

He then grabbed his scalpel and carefully cut the skin so that he could easily remove the bullet without doing more damage

He then set his scalpel down and picked up his forceps, using them to carefully remove the bullet from his abdomen

Once the bullet was out, he placed the bullet aside and set his forceps down before he picked up his suture needle and thread, quickly stitching the wound shut

After he shut the wound, he quickly cleaned and covered it before he wrapped it with bandages

“There”

He then sat back on his heels and wiped his brow, sighing softly

“Thankfully I got here in time…”

He then glared at Wang Meng

“If I had even been a few minutes late, you wouldn’t be here anymore!  Did you even think about me when you were taking that bullet?!”

Wang Meng flinched, as did Jiang Yuelou, before Jiang Yuelou cleared his throat

“Um…it’s my fault that he got hurt.  He took the bullet that was meant for me.  If you want someone to yell at, yell at me”

Chen Yuzhi looked over at him before he hummed

“So you’re my brother’s partner?”

Jiang Yuelou looked at him in surprise

“Brother?”

Chen Yuzhi nodded and motioned to Wang Meng

“My brother”

Jiang Yuelou blinked in surprise before he looked at Wang Meng and smirked

“Wang Meng, you didn’t tell me you had such a feisty younger brother”

Wang Meng hummed as he slowly sat up, clutching at his abdomen

“Yeah…he’s a hissy little thing”

Chen Yuzhi shot him a look

“Hey, who just saved your life?”

Wang Meng chuckled and motioned to him

“See?”

Jiang Yuelou smirked and nodded

“I can see that”

Chen Yuzhi looked between them before he huffed and shook his head as he began to clean up

Once he had finished packing and cleaning up, he pushed himself to his feet

“I’m heading back to my clinic”

He then pointed at Wang Meng

“You better go to the hospital and get it properly looked at; this was just an emergency surgery”

Wang Meng nodded

“I will”

Chen Yuzhi nodded and turned to leave when Jiang Yuelou walked over to him

“Let me escort you out”

Chen Yuzhi looked at him and nodded, he and Jiang Yuelou heading out as Wang Meng watched them leave with narrowed eyes

Just what was Jiang Yuelou up to?

As they headed downstairs, Jiang Yuelou looked over at Chen Yuzhi

“I never got your name”

Chen Yuzhi looked back at him before he held out his hand

“Dr. Chen Yuzhi”

Jiang Yuelou smiled

“Jiang Yuelou”

Chen Yuzhi dipped his head as Jiang Yuelou sighed

“I really am sorry that Wang Meng got shot”

Chen Yuzhi shook his head

“If he hadn’t taken the bullet for you, you would have gotten shot and we would still be in the same situation…though I do hope you would be smarter and go to the hospital if you got shot”

Jiang Yuelou laughed

“I definitely would go to the hospital”

He then looked at him and smirked

“But if I didn’t…would you treat me?”

Chen Yuzhi’s eyes widened and he blushed slightly before he cleared his throat

“I…I suppose”

Jiang Yuelou chuckled

“Kidding, I’m kidding”

He then tilted his head

“How did you know that Wang Meng was injured?”

Chen Yuzhi blinked before he smiled slightly

“Oh, I was coming back from a house call when I saw you and Wang Meng heading into the department and I could tell something was wrong”

Jiang Yuelou hummed

“Well, I’m glad you came when you did…thank you”

Chen Yuzhi smiled and nodded

“You’re welcome”

Jiang Yuelou smiled and once they reached the entrance, he hummed

“I hope to see you again, Dr. Chen.  Though…preferably under different circumstances”

Chen Yuzhi laughed

“Likewise”

He then turned and walked away, Jiang Yuelou watching him leave before he hummed and headed back inside, heading upstairs to his office, where Wang Meng was sitting up, a hand on his abdomen

“Want me to take you to the hospital?”

Wang Meng cracked open an eye and shook his head

“No, if Yuzhi did my stitches, it’ll be fine”

Jiang Yuelou hummed

“Never told me you had a little brother.  And one who’s a doctor at that”

Wang Meng smirked

“I didn’t tell you because it was none of your business”

He then pointed a finger at him

“And don’t even think about making a move on him”

Jiang Yuelou smirked

“No promises.  He’s cute.  My type”

Wang Meng growled

“Jiang Yuelou”

Jiang Yuelou chuckled

“You shouldn’t have gotten hurt.  He wouldn’t have even been on my radar”

He then looked over and noticed that Chen Yuzhi had left his jacket behind, causing him to smirk

“And if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to return this jacket to him”

He then reached out and took the jacket before he turned and headed out of the office again, Wang Meng’s eyes widening in shock before he huffed and flopped back against the couch

He absolutely did not want Jiang Yuelou anywhere near his little brother…but he also knew that Jiang Yuelou wouldn’t let anything hurt his little brother so…hmm

Well.  He would let Chen Yuzhi decide what he wanted to do with Jiang Yuelou.  It was his love life after all

But he would put Jiang Yuelou in a casket if he ever broke his heart.  That was a damn promise

Bonus:

Jiang Yuelou continued out of the police department and made his way through the streets of Jing City, Chen Yuzhi’s jacket draped over his arm

As he walked around, he searched for Chen Yuzhi’s clinic, soon coming across a storefront with a large sign that said “Yuzhi Hall” on it

‘Ah…this must be it’

He then walked over to the storefront and knocked on the open door, making Chen Yuzhi, who was sitting at his desk, look up

“Oh!  Hello”

Jiang Yuelou smiled as he stepped inside and walked over to him, holding out his jacket

“You left your jacket back in the department”

Chen Yuzhi’s eyes widened

“Oh, thank you!”

He then reached out and took it before he stood up and walked over to his coat rack, hanging it up as he was already wearing his lab coat

Once he had hung up his coat, he looked over at Jiang Yuelou and smiled

“Thank you for bringing it.  You really didn’t have to”

Jiang Yuelou shrugged

“No, but I wanted to”

Chen Yuzhi hummed

“Well, thank you.  That was very nice of you”

Jiang Yuelou hummed before he tilted his head

“Say doc…have you eaten yet?”

Chen Yuzhi raised an eyebrow

“Hmm?  No, not yet.  Why?”

Jiang Yuelou smirked

“Care to join me?”

Chen Yuzhi’s eyes widened and he blinked a few times before he cleared his throat

“Oh, um…sure”

He then removed his lab coat and placed it on the coat rack before he removed his jacket and slipped it on, walking over to Jiang Yuelou, who smiled

“Ready?”

Chen Yuzhi nodded

“Mm”

They then headed out of the clinic, Chen Yuzhi closing and locking the door behind him before he and Jiang Yuelou headed off to lunch, neither of them realizing that they would be having many more lunch dates (and other dates) after that (much to Wang Meng’s chagrin (even though he was secretly happy for the two of them))

[lovecolibri]

SaL anon here bestie and I'm afraid it's time. It was bound to happen at some point during the hiatus, but I feel like now that it's here we should rip the bandaid off and talk about all the reasons the sperm donor arc is some if the stupidest shit I've ever seen. So let's start with what really pissed me off this week which is KR's comments about this storyline. Can't remember the exact quote but something like "Buck needs to be happy with himself, figure out what he wants, it's important to

do that before being happy in a relationship, blah, blah, blah" to which I thought "Why indeed KR this is true which is exactly why WE SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS HAPPEN LAST YEAR WITH THE WHOLE TAYLOR RELATIONSHIP!!" This is exactly how that story was set up, constantly showing Buck's misery, his half-hearted ily, the chance to realize he needs more than just a person that doesn't leave to be happy. And absolutely nothing came of it. We spent a whole season with this BS only to have it end with no growth for Buck. And NOW you think it's time to address this 🙄🙄🙄??!! Also this leads into my second bitchy observation. Part of the appeal of having a break up growth arc was it was relatable. Maybe we haven't all experienced it but I'd argue most people can relate to the idea of leaving (or being left) a relationship that isn't bad but isn't what you want. Eddie's breakdown arc last season was relatable, not because we all know what PTSD like but we can all appreciate the idea of bottling up hurt and pain because we don't want to face it or keep a brave face for those we love. What exactly am I supposed to be connecting to with this donor BS?? We all don't have an innate desire to have kids, or do a big favor for a sorta friend we once knew. I have a complete emotional disconnect from this storyline and don't see that changing. So next let's talk about how fucking illogical every part of this story is (on a side note I laughed at the fans out-googling the 911 writers on so many things, reminds me of my science RNM  science sin compilations). Anyway, just why would anyone approach their friend they barely keep contact with to do this particular favor (maybe they explained but honestly I've blocked so many of those scenes from my long term memory)?? Why not a close friend (or relative even)? If you're going for emotional distance why not just an anonymous donor? The whole premise feels so contrived. Probably gotta leave it here for now since I'm getting sleepy. But i'm not close to being done (i'm not even done with this one point) so i hope ypu're ready for more of an inbox full later. Feel free to respond to what I do have because honestly bestie, this may take awhile.

My friend, as always your thoughts are perfectly on point! First, YES that growth was what SHOULD have come out of Buck having a relationship where he recognized he was clinging to something that wasn’t fulfilling for him and being the one to call it quits. But with the cheating added into the mix and then the Jonah mess, Buck didn’t end the relationship on “his” terms, he was pushed by her actions and needing to protect his friends. And ya know what? It might have worked if they had it end in 5a, and then spent 5b with Buck figuring out how to be happy with himself and what he wants. Also, what TF was 5x18 if not TWO instances of it being stated what Buck wants?! First with the Maddie “isn’t that what love is?” conversation and then the firefam “someone to have your back” conversation. 

ANYWAY, fine, Buck still needs to learn what the key to happiness is, but please tell me why after how much we had to suffer through that BT mess, we are having yet another season of Buck clinging to something that isn’t right for him and won’t make him happy, just because he thinks doing something to make someone else happy is important even if it hurts him. If the WHOLE point of the BT mess was showing Buck being a “settler” and a “clinger” then why are we right back in the same place with him settling for being a donor not a dad, and clinging on to this couple like he’s going to be ‘fun uncle Buck”? You KNOW that couple isn’t going to want a constant reminder of how they “failed” to make a baby “on their own”, or risk their kid (or Buck) getting too attached. Not to mention how awkward it would be for them to explain their sperm donor just being around all the time. Also what was the point of Hen asking if he could have a child out there and walk away, if he can JUST be a donor and nothing more, if the storyline is showing him constantly acting like he’s going to be fulling involved in this kids life? How is ANY of this helping Buck figure out how to be happy with himself when he’s still putting himself and his needs behind other people’s who are using him for parts? What happened to him figuring out the right “couch” and how to be “at ease” and Lev’s death being something that hit him super hard and made him start thinking about his life? Because all of that got abandoned in favor of this soap opera level pointless “drama”. Thanks, I hate it.

As far as connecting to the storyline, I don’t even think it’s just about some people not wanting kids and therefore not being able to connect, it’s about the way this story is being told. Because you’re right, even people without war-related PTSD could relate or at least emotionally connect to Eddie’s arc. But with Buck, we aren’t given enough/consistent info about his thoughts and feelings to connect with! He seems unsure when he talks to Hen and that “donor not dad” line really seemed to throw him for a loop. So the audience was prepared to see him struggle with this decision a bit, maybe saying “let me think about it” and then an episode or 2 later (after some interactions with a call and/or Eddie/Chris, or Maddie (and maybe Jee) make him re-evaluate things), he tells them no, because he’s realized he can’t just donate and walk away. (Even weighty arcs like the lawsuit and Eddie’s fighting arc only lasted a couple episodes so this would be easy to wrap up within the confines of 6a) Instead he says “yes” immediately without talking to Eddie, Maddie, or Bobby or taking into real account what Hen said. Okay, fine, so he’s said yes, now it’s time for the family history to come into play or a talk with Eddie or Maddie or Bobby right?! Wrong! It’s time to forget about it for a month! Then, when it finally comes back, it’s got two conflicting things happening at once. Thing one: It’s all a big joke! Buck is telling Hen about his masturbation habits (which as everyone has pointed out is actually NOT what you should do which Buck would know if he was doing all that research on what to eat and everything, but that would require the WRITERS to do that research and OPP! Either they didn’t bother, or decided this was “funnier” than the facts 🙄). Buck is getting cock-blocked by the sperm bank! Buck’s firefam is eavesdropping on the reveal when Buck get’s accosted at work and they get caught staring! How funny is that?! (🙄🙄🙄 NOT actually funny but of course it’s never addressed) But then we have thing two. Which is the fact that despite the writing playing this off as a joke, they’re also making sure Buck isn’t telling anyone besides Hen, and makes it clear he doesn’t want her to tell anyone else. Why not? Why would Buck keep this a secret from his sister that he always goes to for a listening ear? From his best friend who isn’t afraid to give him tough talks when he needs them? From his father figure whose advice he respects? The answer if this was in an earlier season with better writing would be that he knows he’s not making the right choice and isn’t ready to confront the truth. But we don’t get any indication of that either! Just Buck desperate to do his donation, apologetic to the couple when he can’t get it done and doubling down on his commitment and excitement to do this for them, and a continued joy in the whole thing, with no indication that anyone is gearing up for a big talk with him. So why was Buck sooo desperate to not let anyone know? The audience is being given two different messages at the same time! Buck is super excited about doing this in his words, and Buck is also super concerned about the people closest to him finding out that he’s doing this in his actions. But since we don’t see him expressing that worry, and we don’t see the team expressing any worry behind his back about it, the audience doesn’t know how they are supposed to be emotionally connecting to this story. I know you’ve got another ask planed on how we’re past the point of being able to satisfyingly wrap up this arc now that a baby has been made so I’ll save some rant for that, but just focused on what we have seen, the arc doesn’t make any sense on what Buck is truly feeling and therefore what the audience should be connecting to within the storyline. 

As for why they asked Buck, his buddy said it was because Buck was a good, kind, selfless person and you can’t tell that from a genetics facts sheet at the sperm bank. Which is....a) grossly manipulative, especially for someone like Buck which dude HAD to know, and b) isn’t even a tiny bit factually true! Yes kids have their own personalities and what they like and enjoy may not always line up with what their parents do, but your child being a good and kind person is sorta down to you teaching them to be good and kind. It isn’t going to just *happen* because of “genetics”. My guess is they approached him because he IS good and kind and they figured he would say yes, with the added bonus of him being a physically healthy person with on the surface level, probably “good” genetics.

Anyway, I tried to give this storyline a chance, just like I did with the impending BT breakup, but just like last season, it’s reached a point where pretty much whatever they do is going to result in Buck being the “victim” again and being the one to be “left behind” instead of being able to make the choice himself to leave a situation that isn’t good for him, meaning again, no real growth, and more of Buck being stuck having scenes and arcs entirely outside the firefam/his job. And as we saw with 4x14 and 99.9% of s5 and the BT relationship, KR doesn’t like anyone in the firefam being involved in Buck’s personal arcs. (Probably because if they WERE, he might actually learn something and be able to grow a little and we just can’t have that.)

[keephisname]

8/2/23 @ 1:54 a.m.

So I guess it starts. I honestly don't know how to. It's the first time this has ever happened.

It's funny, because the only thing I can think about is how before this the worst thing to ever happen between me and you was arguing over who would pay for pizza at the beach house. We got into a screaming match about how great the other was, and how it was only fair that the other paid because they had already done so much. Robby had to come upstairs. he was the only one brave enough to step in between us if we were having an argument.

I keep thinking that wasn't too long ago. And then I remember it was nearly four years ago. And how much has changed in those four years. And ho win this moment, without you right beside me, I wish nothing more than to take all four of those years back.

I'm writing this like you died. I know you haven't, but I think a part of me has. I don't think I've ever felt like this before. When Carmen and the beach house happened was probably closest. It took me the whole rest of that summer to feel any sense of normalcy again. I remember how hard you defended me and my feelings in that moment. I wish you were still talking to me. Ha, again, I'm saying that like you've been gone for years. and it's only been, what, two fucking days? I feel pathetic.

I meant what I said. I tell you everything. And I guess I don't know how to function unless I'm telling you everything. So, that's why I'm doing this. This is my way of still telling you everything. And I guess so I can heal in some way from this. it hurts. It hurts so bad, dude.

Right now, only Clove and I know. Richie's asked about you. I don't know when we're going to tell him. I have to tell my mom too. This'll kill her. She's always seen you like her own. I guess Buzz doesn't know either. Fuck, that's gonna suck. Hell, I don't know who I should and shouldn't tell. I wanna yell it from the rooftops, just to see what you'll hear, who you'll hear it from, and find a way to still be connected to you. Instead, I'm still tagging you in TikToks, like you'll ever look at them. The only solace I get in any of this is you haven't blocked me. Maybe one day I'll follow you on this blog, and you can read everything I've written for you.

When I go back to school this year, I'm going to find a therapist too. The only option you've left me with -- since we can't grow together -- is to spend time growing on my own. it's the only thing I can see to do. It scares me, because what if you come back, and we're too different? if we've both grown in a way that my kids don't call you "uncle"? That you're not next to me when I get married? It's funny, I think -- I was gonna do that proposal before the end of this summer. You know, before tax season? Like we always talked about? That way we could both be engaged for our final year. it would've been so great to see the look on people's faces.

I think ill end these with what I'm listening to. You know I love my playlists. I made one about how I feel right now, like the dramatic emo idiot I am inside. I've got to find some My Chem to put in there, that'll really sell it.

I miss you. And I'll never stop.

xx,

Ms. U

[in-my-feels-probably]

Congratulations on 900 followers hope the numbers keep growing.

Can I ask for a marauders-era romantic ship request?

I'm a 5'10 girlie who mainly owns dark clothes but I feel my personality is bright. I love all the mystery and thriller content. The things I like about life are winter, coffee, and dogs.

I am a hopeless romantic who vents through her writing and is very touch-starved (guilty). I am very intimidating due to my clothing, so I am surprised when people approach me. Again I love a good coffee and am always ready to give hugs.

I love talking about movies and conspiracy theories (honestly best date idea). I love solving puzzles and spend a lot of time on youtube (watching and learning facts about movies and true crime and horror). I am scared of people who have good grammar. I am afraid of disappointing people (maybe it's also because I am Indian)

Anyways have a lovely day ahead

hi!

thanks for participating :)

i ship you with james!

james loves a challenge. and he can talk enough for the both of you, so he’d have no trouble approaching you. you might intimidate other people, but not him. in fact, you’d intrigue him. he’d love getting to know you and finding out that your hard exterior is nothing compared to how you are once you get close to someone. you’re a lover, just like him, and he’s finally found someone who’s got as much love to give as he does. i think one of his main love languages is touch. i don’t think he’s huge on pda, but he would need to be constantly touching you in some way. your hand in his, his arm resting around your waist, your knee rested against his. it didn’t matter, he just likes feeling you. and he’d be more than happy to give you all the hugs you wanted. you wouldn’t even have to ask, he’d just give you one whenever he felt like it, or if he noticed you needed one.

another one of his love languages is quality time. i don’t think he’s a big fan of puzzles and things like that, but he’d take an interest in ant interest you had. hed love seeing you get all excited about something, and would be content to join you with it. he’d find your conspiracy theories fascinating, but wouldn’t know what to make of them himself. he’d just sit back amused as he watched you and sirius having a screaming match. sirius clearly felt passionate on the subject too, and could debate it with you for hours. and then remus would come in with his logic, and shut you both up. you’d all eventually laugh about it, but it could get quite heated in the moment. it was james’s form of tv watching his friends argue.

i think james is also deathly afraid of disappointing people. he feels like he always has to be strong and put on a brave face for people, thinking that his problems weren’t as bad as other peoples, and therefore unimportant. you’d have to help him break that habit, convincing him that he was allowed to feel that way. but you’d also remind him that he has never disappointed you, and it would be near impossible to do so. he’d start feeling more confident around you, opening up and being vulnerable when he felt like he needed to. it would be a big step for him, and he’d really appreciate that you make him feel comfortable enough to do that.

eventually, you’d figure out that remus was a werewolf and that the boys were animagi. he’d finally muster up the courage to tell you, after the boys decided they could 100% trust you with the secret. he’d expect you to overreact and freak out, but you’d just smirk, telling him you had a feeling that was what was going on. monthly hospital trips and disheveled mornings weren’t exactly a hard equation to solve.

one day, a few days before the full moon, it would snow. you’d follow the boys to the edge of the forbidden forest, nearly bouncing out of your shoes with excitement. they were finally going to show you their animagi forms since the tracks would be buried by new snow fall. plus, james knew how much you loved winter, and he wanted to do something sweet with you. james would shift first to show you the stag, before turning back to normal. sirius would shift last, and you’d immediately light up at the sight of him.

“a dog!” you’d shout, dropping to your knees and motioning for sirius to come over. “that makes a lot of sense. of course you’re pretty as an animagus, too.”

james would pout as your ran your hand through padfoot’s fur, laughing as sirius kicked some snow up onto james’s shoes.

“stop showing off, mate!”

you’d laugh, and sirius would shift back to himself, laughing with you.

remus would just shake his head at his friends, chuckling as well. “you’ve got antlers, james. not exactly cuddly, are you?”

you’d smile at the pout on james’s face, standing up to hug him. “i’m only teasing, love. you’re cool, too. antlers, hooves, and all. expected something with messier hair, though.”

james would grumble, but wrap his arms around your waist, trying not to smile as you smoothed down his hair, cooing at his rosy cheeks.

“alright, alright! point made, darling. point made.”

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thanks again for participating :)