#i don't know why time loops upset me so much but they never leave my head. escapism too. boredom and normality as a kind of slow death

[ohmerricat]

the lodger feels way too meta for an episode that contains james corden in it

sidenote is that nick fucking cave

[cntloup]

What if...?

Fem!Reader angst, purely self-indulgent, probably ooc Simon

You've done this before... numerous times actually; getting into your head too much, being stuck in a mind loop, making a mountain out of a molehill and start an argument out of nowhere, but you dread that day... the thought alone makes you dizzy and nauseous. Although he had tried to reassure you countless times but still you haven't been fully convinced, still feeling not good enough and undeserving of his love... a love so pure, beautiful and passionate it feels like a dream. You still had not been successful to defeat the dark part of your mind that makes up these fucked up scenarios. What if he finds someone else? Someone more patient, present and mentally stable? Someone who’s willing to give him anything and everything he desires? "I'm worried, Simon. Worried that you'll resent me when we're older and it's just the two of us." "Love, don't you think that's enough? Just us? Because for me it is. We don't have to have children to fulfill our love." His words start to calm your racing mind a bit, but the dark thoughts start to run through your head again. As you try to process it all, gather your thoughts and think about what to say next, he takes your hand in his gently rubbing your knuckles and leaning in to give you a tender kiss on your cheek. After some time passes you break the silence "I know but wha- ... what if you regret it? What if-" fuck it’s starting again... your head hurts from thinking too much "What if you find someone else? Someone who-" he cuts you off starting to get a bit irritated "Someone else? Never! Please... bloody fuckin hell!” he lets out a loud sigh and gets up from the sofa and stands there pinching the bridge of his nose “How could you even say that? Love, please don't let these thoughts get to you. We've been through this a thousand fuckin’ times. You're the only one for me. And I would never force you to do anything that you don't want or put your life at risk. What kind of man would I be if I did that? Why should I even say this? It should be obvious, right? I just don't know why you wouldn't believe me!" His voice is getting louder by each sentence and tears start to well up in your eyes and soon after, you’re crying "I believe you, Si. I'm so sorry. I don't mean to upset you. It's just that- that these fucked up thoughts never really leave me alone, no matter how much I try, I just can't escape." You manage to get out the words through your sobs. He feels guilty now... and helpless. You're sobbing right in front of him... because of him. It’s all his fault. He should've been more patient and understaning. "It’s ok, love. I didn't mean to get angry. I'm so sorry. Please... what can I do?" He gives you a bone crushing hug and rocks you back and forth to calm you down. You take deep breaths and he pulls away slightly when he feels your racing heart calm down. He looks at you with glossy eyes, guilt and a thousand apologies evident in them. "Whenever you start getting these thoughts again just tell me, ok? Don't let it get to that point where you get stuck." "Ok, Si. I promise I will try but it won't be easy. It just takes some time for me to come to my senses after those thoughts strike my mind." "I'm right here whenever you need me. You don't have to go through this alone. We can even get help from some professionals if you want." "Yeah, that’s a good idea. Thank you, Si." He gently kisses your forehead and slowly pulls you into his arms again "I love you" "I love you too, Si."

comments/reblogs are greatly appreciated ♥ 

[angelsanarchy]

Glass Houses: Jack Thurlow x Y/N Series CH 19 -> CH 20

Tagging: @roryculkinluvr @thatsthewrongwallcraig @icarus-star @cc-luvr @madamemaximoff06 @shady-the-simp @quicksilversg1rl @s-0lar @kristennero-wallacewellsver @ophelialaufey @mayathepsychic1999 @x-prettyboy-x @rorylover71 @auggiethecreator

Y/n hadn't seen Jack in a few days. She worried that something was wrong or maybe he was having a bad go of it since talking about his childhood so she didn't want to pry but after four days of not even seeing him smoking from the window, she worried something might have happened to him.

She knocked a few times before trying the doorknob and it was unlocked. She pushed the door open and called out to him.

"Jack? You really have to stop leaving your door unlocked. Someone much creepier than me could come in and kill you." Y/n walked into the kitchen and saw that it looked untouched. She could hear the sound of the TV faintly up the steps and started to walk up them.

"Jack? If you're naked or choking on your vomit I will be equally upset with you." Y/n pushed the first door open and the room was empty. She followed the sound of the TV and saw Jack sitting on the floor with his head in his hands, crying softly.

"Jack? Hey are you okay?" Y/m slid to the floor instantly looking him over for any kind of injury. She put her hand on the back of his head, giving his neck a light squeeze.

"Talk to me, what's going on babe?" Y/n's softness made Jack look up and she wiped the tears from his face.

"I'm...I was just watching old home movies." Jack pointed to the tv and Y/n turned on her knee to look at the screen. Y/n assumed Jack was upset with watching his parents but once she saw a second baby, she became confused.

"I had a brother, a twin brother. His name was Andy." Jack sniffled as Y/n spun her body to sit next to him and watch the home video, looping her arm through his elbow to keep a hold on him.

"There was two of you? How could the world possibly be ready for all that cuteness?" Y/n joked lightly. Jack let out a sad chuckle.

"Not for long. My...my dad killed him." Y/n felt her back tense. She looked at Jack carefully to see if he was fucking with her but he just looked devastated.

"It's all my fault." He sobbed. Y/n pulled him towards her and stroked his hair.

"Jack no! That's impossible. There's no way-"

"It is. I honestly don't know what makes me feel worse: that he killed my brother or that he thought he was killing me." Jack explained. Y/n had no idea what to say to make this better for him. She didn't know what to do other than hold him while he cried.

"I cried a lot as a baby. It was driving my parents crazy apparently and one night my dad thought the best thing to do in order to stop the noise was to drown me. Only he didn't pick me up, he picked up Andy and drowned him. Andy was my mom's favorite. I thought I was my dad's but I don't even know if that's true anymore because if he really loved me, killing me wouldn't have been an option." Jack ranted wiping snot and tears from his face as Y/n kept one of her hands tangled in his hair and the other sitting on his elbow to comfort him.

"I've questioned every single thing about my relationship with my dad since I found these stupid tapes. I thought he was my best friend. I thought he loved me more than life because I was his son and he was proud of me. How do I know that it wasn't guilt? How do I know that all the things he said to me or did for me wasn't just something to ease his shame?" Jack looked at Y/n almost like she might have the answers.

"When I was in the middle of my mania last year, after my parents died, I hallucinated my mom was still here. That she was with me when I found all this shit out and I wanted to blame her so badly. We were never close and now I know why. I thought it was her saying what I was thinking but I was wrong. It should have been me. I should have been the one to drown, not Andy." Y/n slid her body between Jack's knees and gripped his face.

"Stop okay? Don't say shit like that. You are a good person Jack. No one is perfect and babies drive people crazy all the time. Colicky babies aren't destined to be murdered just because you can't get them to stop crying. You didn't deserve to die and neither did Andy." Jack held her gaze and she continued to comfort him firmly.

"Actions have consequences and you can't blame yourself for the sins your father committed. You also can't question his motives to be a better father after commtting such a heinous act. If he was good to you, supported you and loved you while he was here, that's a lot more than some could ask for but you are not his flaws." Y/n brought her hands away from his face and took his hands into her own.

"We're programmed to love our parents despite their shortcomings. It's a hard pill to swallow but you are here and you've survived a lot to get here. Use that pain to make yourself stronger, don't let it break you down." Y/n felt Jack squeeze her hands and bring them to his mouth to kiss her knuckles.

"Why do you even bother to put up with my broken mess of a life?" Jack asked curiously and Y/n kissed his forehead.

"We're all a little broken. The fun part is finding people who help you put your pieces back together in a way you can live with." Y/n smiled.

"Would- would you possibly consider going out with me sometime? I mean when you aren't working or taking care of your mom?" Jack asked suddenly.

"I want to say yes...badly." Y/n could feel Jack pulling away.

"I get it-" She cut him off.

"No no you don't. I just want you to sleep on it. I don't want you to ask me out because we're forming trauma bonds." She laughed.

"I like you Jack. I really do and I would love to go out with you, I just want you to want to ask me out for the right reasons." Y/n explained herself and Jack nodded his head.

"I guess that's not really a rejection then." Jack finally smiled and Y/n felt the tension leave the room.

"Not at all. Just ask me out when you're having a good day." Y/n confirmed.

"You mean not when I'm a sobbing mess on the floor or puking on you? Are those not the hallmarks for a beautiful relationship?" Jack teased as Y/n helped him off the floor.

"Not one that I want to be apart of but I'm guessing the sex would be insanity." Y/n teased right back making Jack laugh.

"That I have no doubts about." Jack didn't release Y/n's hand as he was now on his feet.

"Thank you for coming by and checking on me...and just being a really good person." Jack squeezed her hands in his own and she nodded her head at him.

"What are friends for if not to drag you off the floor and remind you that you aren't your parents? Seriously, are you going to be okay if I head to work? I don't want you to sit here and sulk while I'm gone." Y/n pressed still holding hands with Jack like it was something they had done a million times.

"Actually, I was going to ask if you had a number or a card for those support meetings? I was thinking of possibly checking one of those out." Y/n's eyebrows went up.

"Of course, I'll text you the number. I think you might find some real comfort in just being around people who can relate to some of those lingering thoughts." Y/n pulled out her phone and texted Jack the address and number for the group therapy. He reached for his phone and checked the text.

"Thank you." Jack smiled. Y/n pointed at him.

"Eat something, call me or text if things get hectic again." Y/n pressed and Jack followed her down the steps to the front door.

"I will, I will. Go to work, save some lives and whatnot." Jack waved his hand and Y/n scrunched her face. She hated leaving knowing he was still in a sensitive space. He must have known that because by the time she pulled into work, she got a text with a photo of Jack eating takeout with the caption:

"Feeding my delusions so I can ask out my hot neighbor." Y/n laughed and quickly wrote back:

"I hear she gives great head." Y/n bit her lip and saw Jack typing.

"Oh wow, do you think Sharon's husband is a cuck?" Jack's text made Y/n laugh outloud.

"I don't know but you've got long hair, he might just consider it a spicy threesome." Y/n tucked her phone back into her pocket and walked into work with a smile. She hoped Jack was in a better spot then what she left him.

[salotk]

Fragment of the book 🌸

POV Sand

So even if he comes to beg at my house, at P'Yo's store, or even on campus, this time I won't let him go easily. This goes beyond drugs; it's about him having the audacity to come between me and that Freddie Mercury guy. Even if he says, "I'm sorry, I was wrong and I know I upset you," it won't work this time.

His apology misses the mark. He still doesn't understand why I'm so angry.

"You almost locked me up, you almost put us all in jail!" I finally told him, or else this idiot wouldn't have a clue!

"I'm sorry... I didn't think about it much. I won't do it again, Sand" "You really didn't think much, idiot. I was there when the car accident happened, I took care of you when he broke your shoulder, and I accompanied you to the parole office. I even I promised to help you with community service. And this is how you pay me?"

He went silent and I finally released myself on him. "Why don't you do these stunts with Mew? Why am I always the one you come running to when you're in trouble? Do you ever think about me when you're happy? Can you for a moment think about what could happen to you-"

I was silent there. If I had kept going, it would have seemed foolish. Ray stood there,

looking regretful. I realized that he was not proud of his actions.

I sighed deeply and continued. "When Mew went out with Top, even though you knew that one day he might end up in pain, how did you feel?" I paused for a moment because suddenly I felt like tears were coming to my eyes again.

"At that time, you felt like you were just a backup lover, didn't you?"

"I never saw you like this"

"Then I'm just an option... you make me feel that way," I said, my voice getting louder with each word. "You only choose to do things that hurt you. And the day you have a problem, I have to come and clean up the mess. How do you think I should feel?"

Ray remained silent. I decided to walk away because I didn't want him to see me cry. As I turned to leave, Ray stepped in and blocked my path. I had no choice but to push him away, knowing I might hurt his shoulder.

"If you don't love me, if you don't believe me and you only worship Mew, then let me go, Ray."

I didn't care anymore, I didn't even want to touch it. I pushed him away once again with all my strength and walked in a different direction. That's when Ray hugged me from behind. Fortunately, he couldn't see my face from that angle. As he struggled to free me from his embrace, tears ran down my cheeks.

In the end, I gave in to his embrace, surrendering to my own desires. I stood there as Ray hugged me, his face buried in my neck. He whispered softly: "I told you, I won't let you go, Sand..."

A selfish thought crossed my mind. Why did I always find selfish people in my life? Everyone saw me as a backup. Even my ex-boyfriend, with whom I had a relationship for a long time and whom I loved as if he were my last, saw me like that. And now, Ray, who believed that he could understand me and accept me into his world, also believed that I wasn't worth enough.

"Isn't this pretty pathetic? Do I have to beg you directly, Ray?" My voice was both soft and hoarse, reluctant to escape my lips. "I can't go on like this. So it's time to choose someone."

He remained silent, refusing to answer. I allowed him to hug me for an indefinite amount of time. I'm not sure if anyone would witness this. But as his heart beat against my back, I found myself trapped in the same endless cycle, unable to move forward, and then back again. It felt like an endless, endless loop.

[im-just-a-mississippi-girl]

You’re More Than Enough

Pairing: Nick Jackson x reader

Category: Comfort/Fluff

Word count: 1,305

Summary: When Nick is feeling insecure, you do everything in your power to make sure he understands that he is loved, that he is more than enough.

Warnings: swearing, feelings of worthlessness and insecurities

A/N: This turned out to be shorter than I expected it would be, but that’s okay! Short and sweet is sometimes the best! I hope y’all enjoy it! ❤️

Masterlist

Taglist

Gif is not mine. Credit to owner

You had been dating Nick Jackson for a couple years now, and in those years, you’ve created so many memories, went on countless adventures, and never once questioned Nick’s love for you. He was always there for you when you felt upset, insecure, angry, or anything from happy. You always did the same for him which is why it was killing you to see him so down lately, feeling insecure, useless, unimportant, and overshadowed.

Nick didn’t have any prior obligations to fulfill with AEW today so he was still in bed regardless of it being two in the afternoon. You had let him sleep in this morning, he needed it, but when lunchtime rolled around, you tried to get him out of bed to come eat — no luck. You ended up bringing him his favorite food and some water, coaxing him into sitting up and eating a couple bites before slipping into the bed next to him. You gently pulled him into your arms, his head on your chest, your fingers running through is hair before moving to rub his back. You laid there holding him, letting him find comfort in your presence.

“I love you Nick.” You whisper into his hair, placing a loving kiss to the top of his head. He stayed quiet for so long you thought he fell asleep until he let out a deep sigh and moved off you.

“Why? Why me? Why are you with me when you could be with Matt? He gets all the attention anyways and everyone likes him better too.” Nick spoke in a dejected voice. “I’m just there, in the background, overlooked and ignored. You should just go ahead and go. It wouldn’t be anything new. Matt always gets the girls in the end. I’m just there to help them get close to him, happens every time.” He continued, voice so desolate it broke your heart.

“Nick, baby, don't put yourself down like that. I love you so much, it hurts to see you like this. I’m not going to leave you. You are my love, not Matt. Sure, I like Matt but only as a friend or a brother.” You tell him, sitting up and turning to face him. You reach your hand out and gently place your hand on top of his.

“You don’t have to lie. I know the truth. I know I’m not good enough.” Nick insists, pushing your hand off his. You watched as he got up and exited the room, heading into the bathroom and shutting the door. You decided to give him a little space and not push him too much, the last thing you want is for him to completely shut down or to completely shut you out.

Nick’s words play on loop in your head — I know I’m not good enough. You make your way to the bathroom door, that one sentence driving you crazy. “You are enough. You’re more than enough.” You spoke through the door. You were met with silence, but you knew he had heard you when the door slowly opened, Nick emerging from the bathroom with tear filled eyes.

“You don’t know how much it means to me to hear you say that.” Nick sniffles, quickly wiping his eyes as tears attempt to make their decent down his cheeks. “Will you hold me?” He asked you timidly. It was rare for you to see Nick like this, so timid, so vulnerable. There’s no way you could say no.

“Come ‘ere.” You quietly speak, gently gathering him in your arms. No sooner than Nick is in your embrace you feel him completely and truly let go, tears falling and heart breaking sobs escape his lips. You’ll never understand how people don’t like this man, how people could be so mean and cruel.

The two of you stay like that for what felt like hours. You do your best to soothe and console Nick, rubbing his back, placing soft kisses to his temple. “I’m always going to be here for you. You can talk to me about anything at anytime. I’ll drop what I’m doing just for you, okay? You’re my world Nicky. I’ll always have time for you, and whatever you go through is important, we’re a team and there’s no one I would rather have by my side than you.” You pause for a few moments before continuing, “Wanna know what I love about you?” You heard a sniffle and felt Nick nod his head. “I love your eyes, they’re such a beautiful blue. I love your smile and you laugh, why else would I tell so many dad jokes and puns? I love how kind you are, always doing something sweet for someone you care about and even strangers. I love how fun you are, always up to do anything remotely crazy and that brings me to your creativity. You’ve always fascinated me with the things you come up with for matches and don’t get me started on those outfits.” You joked, laughing. You felt a slap on your ass, “Hey!” You jumped at the impact, no longer laughing.

“You told me you liked those outfits!” Nick playfully scolded you. You were more than happy to get that playfulness to return to him. You preferred it so much more to the somberness he displayed earlier.

“Okay…. Well, you see…. I kinda lied.” You giggled, watching his reaction change into mock offense. “Sorry babe, but some of those were hideous! For what it’s worth you made them look less hideous.” You offered, attempting to stifle a laugh at Nick clutching his heart, being back to his fun, dramatic self.

“I’m so hurt right now, love. I guess the only solution is for you to become my personal stylist, but then again….” Nick trails off, giving your outfit a once over.

“You better choose your next words wisely.” You raised an eyebrow and poked Nick in the chest.

“I was going to say I wouldn’t be able to keep my hands off you.” He winked, a grin playing on his lips. You playfully smack his chest, feeling like a blushing teenager.

“Not to ruin the fun mood, but you do know I meant everything I said earlier, right? You never have to go through anything alone. I’m always going to be in your corner to support you and cheer you on.” You remind him, wanting to make sure he knows you weren’t just saying whatever you thought of, you were being genuine.

Nick wrapped his arms around you once again, this time he placed a loving kiss to your forehead. “I do. I’m forever thankful for you and your patience with me when I get in one of those moods. I know I’m not easy to deal with or fun to be around during those times, but I just can’t help it sometimes. I see what people say on social media, and no matter how hard I try to ignore it, I can’t. You make it easier though, knowing I can count on you at any given moment helps more than you’ll ever understand.” Nick dipped his head and gave you a kiss on the lips. The kiss is filled with love, admiration, and happiness.

You knew in that moment just how much your words and just being present helped Nick feel better, feel loved, cared about, needed, and wanted. You made a mental note to let the internet know that you loved Nick more than they hated him, that you were the one to build him up when they would so desperately try to tear him down, and that they don’t know who he truly is and just what they’re missing. You wanted the world to know that Nick Jackson is more than enough, and anything less will not be tolerated.

General Taglist: @legit9thlunaticwarrior @plentyoffandoms @1dluver13xx @sunshinevirus @wwenhlimagines @crowleysqueenofhell

Nick Jackson Taglist: @mrsmatt

A/N: If you want to be added to the taglist, feel free to ask, message, or let me know in a comment!

[goodmode]

For the minific ask, D. Subtle kindnesses, and Razor from genshin?

[x] D. Subtle kindnesses.

this one got away from me a bit and turned into a series of people going out of their way to be nice to razor and to each other and also to klee. entirely fluff with some bonus cringe fischl

People are very nice.

They don't have to be, which at first he found confusing. The wolves would warn him of other humans in their own way, teeth flashing and voices growling their disapproval whenever people approached. He knows now that the pack is right to be cautious; he has witnessed humans being unkind to each other. To him, as well.

But for the most part, at least here in Mondstadt where they know him (or at least know of him), Razor finds that people at large tend towards kindness.

Klee brought him a book today. She pulled him towards the tree she likes, the one with the forking branches, and Razor nestled down in the little alcove between the broad roots and Klee tucked herself into his lap and they struggled through the reading of it together.

His Teacher likes it when he tells her he's been practicing. He doesn't like to practice usually, but he doesn't mind practicing with Klee. Klee tells him over and over that she loves-loves-loooves to practice with him, too. When they practice together it doesn't matter that it's a children's book - Klee can't read anything more complicated yet, either, which means reading it with her isn't embarrassing.

They make it halfway through the book when a letter falls out from between the pages. Klee scoops it up and waves it at him with so much excitement she almost hits him in the nose with the envelope, which is purple and smells strongly perfumed.

"Oh! Klee forgot! This is for you, but I forgot to give it to you! Sorry, Razor!"

He thinks this might be why it was tucked into the book instead of into her backpack. People are smart like that for Klee. They do little things for her, like they do for him sometimes. He's glad. If they didn't he would get in trouble for biting people.

"Thank you."

He tears the letter open with his teeth and pulls out the paper inside, shaking it open with the hand not tucked safely around Klee's middle.

"What does it say? Can I read?"

He thought the letter might be from his Teacher (it's purple, and it smells) and he's half right.

Dear Razor,

I discovered one of our dear friends sulking yesterday evening. It seems the two of you had a little spat! You and I know there's nothing I dislike less than to pry…

Razor struggles through the negatives for a moment, until finally reading it out loud. It makes more sense out loud. She does this sometimes: leaves little tricks in her writing for him to puzzle through. It's annoying, but he's getting quicker at figuring them out. (Klee giggles triumphantly when he does. She was struggling, too.) He moves on.

…but I think I'm allowed to be pushy if she's going to mope around in my library and take up my valuable napping time.

Do give her half a chance, Little Wolf.

Much love, Lisa

The writing changes halfway down the page. Then it changes again, from an incomprehensible series of loops and swirls and fanciful curls to a much simpler, more legible style. Razor sniffs at a suspicious-looking burn mark where the switch happens and catches the faint whiff of ozone. Likely the shift was made under duress, then.

In aggrieved address to One's venerated knight and kin in thunder

Dear Razor,

I didn't mean to make you upset. When you got angry at me I thought it was because you didn't like  didn't want  hated the Prinzessin thing  I thought you never wanted me to speak like that again and it made me very upset as well. I didn't actually want to banish you from the realm. I just said that. I say a lot of things.

Miss Lisa told me you can't understand most of the things I say when I speak in the cadence of Immernac like that, and that's why you were getting so frustrated with me. I understand now and I must offer my most sinc I'm very sorry. I wasn't making fun of you.

I'm sorry about the messy letter as well. Miss Lisa is making me keep the crossed out parts and I am very embarrassed. PLEASE get rid of this letter after you've read it!!

Please come back to Mondstadt so I can say sorry in person. I won't get Oz to say it for me and I will buy us lunch at Good Hunter if it might cheer you up.

Sorry again, Amy

By the time Razor realises he perhaps shouldn't be reading this out loud with Klee, it's much too late. They finish the letter together, amid much giggling from Klee, and by the end Razor feels himself smiling.

"Fischl's a weird girl," Klee declares brightly. She twists in his lap to peer up at him with wide eyes. "I didn't know you two fell out with each other! Are you gonna go back now, Razor?"

Razor hums softly, pretending to think it over.

"Don't think I'm banished any more," he decides. This is a nice way of saying that the memory of snarling at Fischl from on top of an Adventurer’s Guild table doesn't feel quite so much like raw shame now. Yes, he thinks he can go back.

"Good!" Klee claps her hands. She whispers conspiratorially, as if there's anyone out here in Wolvendom to listen: "Can Klee come to Good Hunter? Miss Sara will give you free desserts if she sees you're with me!"

Razor had been feeling fairly sour before Klee showed up. The world is mostly made up of people being nice to each other, though, and a lot of news of this tends to travel to him through Klee, one way or another. He should probably pass it forward.

Huffing a sigh, Razor lets his chin rest on the top of her head and holds the letter out in front of her.

"Yes. But we can finish the book first." Klee makes a high-pitched squeaky noise that he has learned to identify as a delighted laugh. "Then you burn this writing. I think Am- I think Night Sky Princess wants it secret. Then we take Wolfhooks with us, for Knights of Favonius."

He snatches the letter higher when she grabs for it, and pats her shoulder with his other hand.

"Careful!" he insists, and then lets her take it.

Klee only singes his hair a little bit. This too is kind.

[slovo-theshattered-onion]

random fuckin' musings of a mildly deranged collection of lil guys

i feel like most people need to,,, become okay, a lot more okay than we are (including myself in that. tho tbh we have somewhat gotten good at this) with being kind of shit at being a social person.

and i don't mean just- okay at being awkward, or okay with being anxious, or kinda weird. i mean, okay at being harmful. okay with the fact their actions, on a long enough timescale, WILL probably upset someone for Legitamate Reasons. okay with being kind of an ass sometimes.

and i know. doesn't that- sound like a pass to just be a piece of shit, to you?

not really. in fact, i would say this is what could help a lot of people correct and learn from the shitty behaviour they're already doing. to recognise 'shitty/harmful behaviour' is not just a Thing isolated to any class of person, not a thing that pegs you as uniquely Evil or leaves a permanent moral mark.

'cause like,,, to my mind, a lot of people are so Focused on not being The Bad Thing, they refuse to listen when they participate in The Bad Actions- because i'm not a racist, because i'm not ableist, because i'm not queerphobic, because i'm not intersexist- we're all, just, constantly, consistently, in a worldwide competition to be the least problematic bitch in town.

and that's just the broad, societal shits, that don't necessarily mean much on a personal scale for many of the people being bitches about them.

(venty rant starts under the cut lmaooo we were trying to make a broad statement about all people and then realised. oop babes this is just your own miserable life)

and sure! sure, the main example of people who proclaim their various misdeeds are people who don't think of them as misdeeds at all, and that must be a scary thought- to turn into someone like that. but,,, from my observation, including in my personal life, the people who Refuse to see any action they have taken as Bad, the people who start to go off about their good intentions or are too focused on being good, on doing good and being a good person and so on and so forth, are typically the most insufferable when they harm me.

and i feel kind of insane, in my personal life, because by GOD do i feel harmed, and it's so confusing when the person who harmed you starts to either go off about how hard they have been trying (with a subtle flavour of 'you're not being grateful enough' running as constant aftertaste), or start to get insanely self-depricating, to imply they just can't do better,,, or both.

where 'goodness' is the only resource that matters, where it is only valuable when it is 'pure', no fucking progress can be done, is my point. and we've been untangling all this for years, and i think i know why, every time we meet a new person as of late, with a bit of due time, we get disappointed that they aren't really like us beyond surface level.

because anecdotally, in our lives, no one takes the time to dig through their own brain cupboards to check for red flags.

And it's exhausting, constantly rummaging the chests and barrels of our psyche to find how things we do could be harmful- yes, to a maladaptive degree, i never said we were a paragon of mental health. It is exhausting, when that effort isn't met with barebones reciprocation. It makes me go balls to wall banana pudding, when I make an effort, again and again, to say 'this doesn't define you, you can change, I won't hold it against you' to every last person who hurts me, who says my pain isn't real, who pushes me, who doesn't seem to see me as an individual, when I bring up harmful things we have done, over and over and over, when I constantly have to be the one apologising and catching mistakes and noticing shitty patterns, and the people around me won't even help me break them.

(like bitch, i get ur drowning in ur own guilt, but please, for the love of god, assert urself when we get caught in a loop of angry ramblin' for the thousandth time this week??? i keep sayin', we have hairthin triggers, we really struggle to shut up once we start goin' off, bein' told to stop will make us stop, we learned that lesson, fucks sake why do i have to do everythin' around here-)

and- and it's our fault, innit. it's our fuckin fault for not bein able to essplain well enough, for not bein over it enough, for reinforcin these patterns with our fuckin, therapist-friend mode, for thinkin sooo highly of ourselves, for puttin ourselves repeatedly in positions of power over others, but FUCK, when we try to treat ppl like equals we always go too fast an haveta Catch It, when we treat 'em like an authority we real quick go into Programmed Inferior space, an yes, we are traumatised, we are toxic as fuck, we have no experience with bein equal to no one-

ough. well, maybe we used to. ideologically, we dont think we are Inherently Better or Inherently Worse than anyone else, as much as we can keep that balance. we do feel, deeply, like we are prolly a worse person socially speakin than many of the people that hurt us, cause we often cannot be polite an genuine at the same time, 'cause we,,, fuck

truth is, it does feel like trauma gave us superpowers. all our close friends have, for almost a year now, been tellin' us we're scary perceptive. tellin' us, we always know what to say to make it better, directly an indirectly.

truth is, hearin 'always try to do ur best' sounds like a fuckin order to skin ourselves alive no matter the 'depending on where you are physically and mentally :3' stipulations, 'cause i bet if there was good enough cause, we physically could.

truth is, it feels like we are a mile ahead in trauma recovery, an we are drownin in a lake no one else has gotten to yet.

truth is, i keep wishin this wasn't true, that we could get help, that it was easy, to find someone who will be more- or at least around- as perceptive as us, who will care, who will be genuinely interested in the thins we do an impressed by the thins we make, who will love us an guide us an, just, be good instead of actively harmful. truth is, such a person would likely have to be a famed trauma therapist who takes a million for a session, or else a find so lucky i frankly dont think 'needle in a haystack' covers it.

truth is, it aint that i cant imagine ever bein happy, if we were friends with someone too much like us.

its that, when i try, the pain of the impossible becomes too much to bear too fuckin quickly, an the guilt of seein myself as so fuckin above everyone else smothers any leftover comfort.

this is why, of late, our go-to phrases became 'don't let perfect being the enemy of good' and 'i hope someone kills me with rocks.' if you even care

[mortilith-parade]

Dear internet diary

It's been awhile since I've done this. Just write how I feel with no real plan or goal. A fucking vomit shit storm of the mess that's happening in my head. Last time I did this I was 16 I think. I think I started out trying to write a suicide note before it turned into a angry storm of everything that is happening in my head.

I look back on life. I'm 23 now. Weird I somehow never thought I would make it but also thought 23 was achievable at the same time. I am in debt. So much debt for a degrees that are either useless or are looked down upon and spat on by not only people but the government when they decide how much they should pay me.

I look at world and once I thought that we could change it. Turn it around and make positive changes if we all just worked from the bottom up. But now I can barely afford to live. Butter is 5 bucks. I've been living on plain crackers and instant noodles and even then I feel selfish to complain cause I know there's people worse off.

Statistically if we just look at historical trends everything that is happening is over due. But by saying that shouldn't we as a society learnt by now to to prevent such things from happening again. I try to distract myself with pointless videos of cats or I try to drown out my own screaming thoughts with robotic Reddit videos but that never works. A video that smashes me back into reality will always pop back up on my feed.

I'm aware how selfish I am. How selfish I am becoming. I am pushing away those that I love with it. I'm also holding on to people I know don't care about me, or treat me well because I am afraid to be alone. I don't want to kill myself. I am confident of that. However I also feel like I wouldn't be upset if one day I just didn't wake up. I don't want to die but I find myself relying on old self harm replacement tips that I used to do on loop as a teen. Eating sour candy till my brain goes tingly, scrubbing on my hand, counting back from 100.

Im 23 shouldn't I be happy. Or if not happy at least content. Shouldn't I be able to at least fake it till I make it. I know people don't like me, and this isn't some depression paranoia. I know. I've heard it. I'm not so delusional that I don't see the looks between people when I say something, or the laughter when I leave. However as I write this I am just realising that it does sound like God damn paranoia.

Fuck. Maybe I am.

Five years of being in this town that I honestly hate and I don't have anything to show for it. Nothing. Except having to stay here for god knows how much longer. I was asked why I get so angry recently. My brain just skittered and shook with different flashes of reasons.

The fact that I hate the direction of my country

The fact money, or rather the lack of has made me turn down a once and a lifetime dream opportunity

The fact the man who assaulted me still walks around town

And the fact his face still makes me break down into a panic attack

The fact I don't really trust anyone to be honest with

I couldn't respond to them. I think I laughed it off but then I got home and had to cover my mirror.

I used to end these ranting posts with a quote. But I used to read for fun more back then. Instead I will just end it as the words stop pouring out .

[maedrama]

fucking crazy - do gangjae

the mirrors of the nightclub were one of the many reasons why you hated when he took you there. something so innocent placed above the bar made you feel so icky. but what you hated most about them, was how your boyfriend acted whenever he sat under them. you would watch him look up at himself for hours, laughing at himself. if you hadn't been with him for so long, this would've been the deal braker for you. but here you were; watching him, for the fifth time this week, look up at himself and laugh. you sighed as you checked the time on your phone, exhausted from being at the club all night.

"jae, can we leave? i have to work tomorrow." you asked softly, trying your best to be as nice as you could.

his laugh suddenly became louder as he peered at you in the mirror. you rolled your eyes at him, turning away as you did so. getting him upset at the moment was not what you needed.

"i don't want to leave without you."

gangjae starred at you for a second, his laugh stopping as you spoke. he sat up, a scowel on his face.

"shit, why can't you just call in? we can spend all day together and," with one swift movement, he hopped off the chair befor pulling you close by your belt loops. "taste each other." he breathed.

he was so sexy like this, his hair tossled from throwing himself around and his eyes looking at you so lovingly. others have always asumed that your relationship was one sided, that he never loved you or tried. but he did. he loved you just as much as you did, even more. you were all he had left and you stuck with him for as long as he could remember.

you placed your arms over his shoulders as you rolled your eyes at him, giggling.

"my boss is already angry at me because you threatened the secretary yesterday. me calling in is probably going to get me fired from the hospital."

he sighed, turning his head away from you to think before quickly facing back at you. his face was closer this time, his eyes leveling with yours as he bent his knees.

"i'll kill him." he suggested.

you scoffed at him, slapping his shoulder slightly.

"no. i like my job."

he kissed your lips gently.

"no one will know, princess."

you shook your head at him, smiling.

"i'm tired so can we please go home?" you whined.

he smiled at you, giving your nose a little kiss.

"alright. let's go, princess."

---

you kicked your shoes off at the door, watching as gangjae did the same but more carelessly.

"i want to do something." he sighed, running his hand through his hair.

you furrowed your brows, turning your head.

"like what? i was thinking about going to bed."

as you picked up his shoes from the ground and lined them up with yours, gangjae sat on the arm of the couch.

"i don't know. maybe killing someone." he shrugged.

you stopped what you were doing, standing up from your bent over position.

"can't you just stay in bed with me? i want to cuddle." you asked, masking your concern with needyness.

you were always so worried about him whenever he went out to go do something dangerous. you loved him, and you had no idea what you would do if he died or got caught.

he smiled slightly, cocking his head to the side as well.

"why do you love me so much? i'm a horrible person." he asked, his smile grower wider.

"because you're not as bad as you think, not to me at least. sure you're fucking crazy sometimes, but i know you mean well." you answered, walking over to him.

you wrapped your arms around his neck as you plopped down on his knee. he sighed contently, looking at your face.

"i'll stay in with you, baby. but you're gonna have to give me something in return."

[one-sad-human]

•Worth It• Duff Mckagan

Pairing: Velvet Revolver era! Duff Mckagan x Younger! Reader

Requested? Nope!

Theme: Little bit of everything/???

Warnings: Language, panic attacks, anxiety references, drug references

Word Count: 3k

A/N: Fic 2 of 2! This is the longest fic yet! Took a different approach to writing this one, hopefully it payed off. Let me know if you guys liked it or if I wasted my time with this one lol.

     You had met Duff in a coffee shop in LA. It was crowded and you were lucky enough to snag a chair before the lunch rush. Duff wasn't, and asked you if he could sit at your table.

     You grew up with Guns n Roses, bought his solo album the day it came out when you were just 15, and now listened to Velvet Revolver faithfully. To see your idol, your celebrity crush stand right in front of you holding a cup of coffee and a scone sent you for a loop.

     "Of course," you had said, starry eyed. You were only hoping he was as kind as the interviews made him out to be. Maybe have a conversation with you and be polite for a while before leaving and never seeing each you again. That would be good enough.

     It didn't end with a coffee, it had just begun. He asked for your number, and you stared at him for a moment thinking you had imagined it. That was until he tilted his head a little and looked at you with a nervous expression. He backtracked and you immediately stopped him.

     "No! I mean— yes! Yes, you can absolutely have my number." You scrambled for a pen and paper and ended up scratching your number on a receipt from the record store. You shook so hard you could barely get the numbers down.

     Out of all the record store receipts you've stuffed into your bag, the one you gave Duff Mckagan had to be the one for when you bought Velvet Revolver's 'Contraband.' He didn't say anything, just smiled and promised to call.

     You honestly didn't think he would've. You played it off as just him trying to be nice. It didn't stop you from answering every call you got for the next three days, however, even if you recognized the number as the tax collector you'd normally never answer.

     But then he called.

     "I tried calling sooner, but I kept calling the wrong number. You don't have the most eligible handwriting," he had told you. You laughed but really, you were in shock.

     You set up a date at the fancy restaurant downtown that always intimidated you. You didn't say anything though, even though you knew you wouldn't want any of the overpriced food and you'd end up eating something you couldn't pronounce and was two portions too small. Maybe even hit up a fast food joint afterwards.

     When the day finally came, you couldn't even figure out what to wear. You couldn't tell if you looked underdressed or like you were trying too hard. Did the clothes even fit the right way? What would Duff think? Would he even care?

     All questions were answered when you left your house. Duff was leaning against his slick car parked in your driveway, a button up that was barely buttoned and dress pants with boots. He stared at you and you wanted a hole in the ground to shallow you up until he smiles.

     "You look gorgeous," he said. You blushed and grinned, thanking him before saying that he looked great too. He drove you to the restaurant and on the way, you talked about music.

     You shared some of your favorites, he adored how well rounded you were. You liked pretty much everything from punk rock to the mellowest of mellow. Duff mentioned some of his favorites, some you made sure to remember the names of so you can check them out.

     When the ride was over and you finally got to the restaurant, your previous fears came back. Duff reassured you looked better than 90% of the people there and you knew it wasn't true but it made you feel better anyway.

     Your eyes widened to the size of saucers when you saw the prices of the food. You knew it'd be pricey but you thought there'd be more options that stayed within two digit numbers.

     Duff saw your panicked expression and said not to worry, he'd pay. It didn't settle your nerves enough and when the waiter came, you ordered the cheapest and simplest thing you could find.

     "Chicken noodle soup?" He teased. You shyly looked down and shrugged. "This isn't your scene, is it?"

     "Not exactly, no."

     "Want me to be completely honest with you?" You nodded. "It's not mine either."

     That's all it took for you and Duff to scramble sheepishly out of the restaurant. You both shared a laugh in the car and went to Burger King. It was much more your speed and, as you'd find out that night, Duff's too. You suppose all the money he's had since such a young age didn't completely change his ways. He was like a kid trapped in a 40 year old man's body.

     You'd thought at first the age gap would feel strange, after all, you were 15 years younger than him. But after that night, it was barely noticeable. Funny looks from strangers every once in a while was nothing.

     By the second date, Duff was already aware fancy spots weren't your forte. He told you it was a surprise and to wear something cozy, as LA nights got chilly.

     He packed a picnic basket and drove you out to the most beautiful flower field you had ever seen at sunset. It was secluded and high up, giving a perfect view of the city skyline. After gawking and taking in the sights for a few moments, you regained your ability to speak.

     "It's gorgeous. Pretty far from the city, did you take me here to kill me?" You joked. He laughed and rolled his eyes. His lighthearted laugh sent sparks straight to your heart, and you decided that it was your favorite sound.

     You unfolded the blanket Duff brought and you both sat down. You ate the sandwiches and sliced fruit Duff packed and talked. You talked about everything, from your family to fears and insecurities.

You told him how you suffer from nightmares. Flashbacks from your broken childhood coming back to bite you in your sleep. Duff shared how he's suffered from panic attacks since he was a teenager. You felt you knew each other for years.

Neither of you felt weird for sharing and neither made the other insecure. You were completely open and honest with each other. It was strange, you've never connected to quickly and effortlessly with someone before. Sure, you've had men in your life, but never had you clicked with someone so fast, never had you fit with someone so perfectly.

Hours passed and it felt like minutes. Only did you realize how late and how exhausted you were when you saw most of the city buildings light have gone off for the night. The city that didn't sleep was dark.

"I should get you home," Duff said to you.

"Will you stay the night?" You felt a little silly for asking. Were things going too fast? Would he even want to stay over?

He agreed, and that's how your first night together went. You both stayed up even later and had more lighthearted conversations, unlike the ones that partook at the field. Like how one of Duff's first jobs was at a bakery and could bake a mean cake and how you can't cook to save your life.

You ended up waking up without remembering falling asleep. You're head was placed comfortably on Duff's lap while his head was lolled back against the couch cushion. He looked so serene and peaceful you couldn't help but smile at the sight.

You made toast and somewhat successfully cooked some eggs and bacon. It might have been the first breakfast in years that didn't end with the smoke alarm going off.

Duff eventually wandered into the kitchen and you both ate. By the time he left, another date was already set up. He was like a drug an you were already hooked.

Months later and the addiction still wasn't kicked. You didn't want to, and Duff didn't seem to want you to quit either. You both soaked each other up like the sun on a warm day.

You had almost weekly dates and you stayed over each other's houses almost every other day. Duff did have his kids some days, though, so some days dates were cut short or Grace and Mae slept over his house and you wouldn't see each other.

You were always understanding, his kids came first and you'd never blame or get upset about it. It's something Duff admires about you, your never ending understanding and empathy for him.

One of those days where Duff stayed over at your house started normal. He cooked dinner and you washed the dishes, and then you put on an old Ramones concert you had on DVD.

You were laying on his chest, his fingers running through your hair when all of a sudden, he tensed up. He quickly stood and excused himself to the bathroom. You frowned but before you could think much of it, you heard a loud bang and something clatter to the ground.

You jumped up and rushed to the bathroom. You swung open the door because you were perfectly aware the lock hasn't worked since you moved in.

Duff was sitting on the floor, a pill bottle laying on its side not far from him. You quickly spot the name of the medication and identified it as your anti-anxiety pills. You shoved them aside and sat next to Duff.

He was sweating bullets and his skin felt cold and clammy, his breaths were labored and heartbeat was loud and pounding erratically. You coax him gently to take deep breaths, holding onto his hand tightly and talking quietly.

"I'm sorry, they come on randomly sometimes," he apologized after he'd called down, but you quickly shushed him. You reminded him of just how many nightmares he'd comforted you for and he stops feeling so bad about it.

     It was always a true partnership with Duff. Never had you felt you gave or took too much, it was always equal. Always a two way street, with everything.

That wasn't the last panic attack you had to help him come down from. Later down the line you've gotten better at calming him down and learning his triggers, even though sometimes they really do come on suddenly without reason.

A year into the relationship was when you met Grace and Mae. They were young and didn't completely understand why their parents weren't together anymore, so it took them a while to warm up to you. Luckily, they eventually came around.

Duff and Susan met up regularly to discuss their kids and co-parent properly. And while you had all the reason to be jealous of your boyfriend with his ex wife, you never did. You had complete confidence in him, he was honest and loyal and you doubted he'd ever hurt you purposely.

That's why it destroyed you when he left you. Tears were shed from both parties as he gave his reasons for breaking up with you. His insecurities he tried his best to bury had come to light and nothing could change his mind.

You thought you were completely honest with each other, but you suppose his doubt in his relationship with you was the one thing he kept secret. He had somehow convinced himself you'd be better without him, between the constant touring and the baggage that came with him and his kids, he finally buckled under the weight and stress.

You had tried to convince him that he was worth it, but if Duff is one thing it's stubborn. The best relationship you'd ever have and the best year of your life went down the drain within the matter of one conversation.

You were down in the dumps for days. You barely left your bed and didn't ever leave your house. You were in a depression and couldn't get out. A few of your friends eventually found out what had happened and broke into your house and shoved you into the shower before taking you to your favorite Chinese restaurant.

You felt like a disaster. Your hair was ratted despite the shower and you refused to put real clothes on, instead wearing sweatpants and a shirt Duff had left behind. You were a mess.

The hole in the wall restaurant was never busy but always had the best food. You were almost happy your friends dragged you out of your home until you saw Duff sitting at a table, eating egg rolls and lo mein.

You've came here together all the time. The high sodium in the food always made him sick to his stomach and you'd always end up giving him nausea remedies and tea. He never changed his order though.

You locked eyes with him for a while. Dark bags were under his eyes and he looked more pale than usual. He looked as terrible as you felt. You weren't sure if you were spitefully glad he felt awful or if the despair on his face just made your heart break further.

When you couldn't take his intense jade stare anymore, you looked up at the menu. The next time you looked back he was gone, you weren't sure if he was really there at all or if you were finally losing your mind for good.

     Another week crawled by. You got better enough to continue working. You had to pick up extra time for calling out for a few days after the breakup. You wouldn't say things were going well, but you weren't crying in bed every day all day anymore.

     You had constant dreams about him. Some were nice, ones where he didn't leave and you were together, holding each other tightly. Most were nightmares, flashbacks of when he left. You didn't have him to comfort you anymore when you woke up soaked in sweat and tears, and that might've been the worst.

     Another week went by, and you were starting to get back into the swing of things. You still thought about him, even silly little things reminded you of him. Like when you would catch a sniff of freshly baked sweets like he'd bake you or certain songs playing on the radio. It also didn't help that you ran into people wearing Guns n Roses shirts on the daily.

     You also refused to get rid of anything he'd left behind. Tee shirts, guitar picks he left from when he'd play for you, or CDs from bands he introduced you to. Reminders of what you lost were scattered around your home but you couldn't bring yourself to do anything about it.

     Suddenly, it's been a month. You weren't over him, but you had a feeling you'd never be completely. He was something special, you can't forget things as special as your relationship with Duff.

     His items still weren't thrown out or returned, instead all packed in a box sitting in your closet. But you'd be lying if you said you would never reach into the box to grab a shirt to sleep in or a CD to listen to when you needed a reminder of the good times. You were making progress though.

     You decided to leave your house one evening. You were feeling especially terrible and wanted to take a walk to clear your head. You went to the coffee shop you had first met Duff in. Maybe it was a mistake to go and get a flood of memories but you couldn't stop yourself.

     You sat in a seat near the window and people watched, taking occasional sips of your drink. It was quiet except from the talk of the workers and the hum of the overhead speakers.

     There was a sudden squeak of a chair of hardwood floors and it broke you out of your daze. You snapped your gaze up to meet the very familiar green eyes you've been trying to forget.

     "Can we talk?" He asked, and you couldn't say 'no.' Duff sat across from you and started off by apologizing.

     He said he wanted to talk to you sooner, but was too afraid you wouldn't want anything to do with him. You rolled your eyes at that, if only he knew just how much you missed him.

     He then started from the beginning and explained why he made the decision to leave you. As it turns out, it was mostly because of stress. His bandmate Scott was having problems with drugs and the flashbacks from his GnR days frightened him. He was worried he would end up relapsing and he didn't want to drag you down with him.

     Combine that with all the troubles that came with dating a single father, and he couldn't take it anymore. He felt too guilty.

     It all seemed like ridiculous reasons to you. Even if he had made the mistake of falling off the wagon, you still would've stuck with him. And you didn't mind his kids at all, after nearly a year of knowing them and you were very close to them.

     "I love you, Duff. I wouldn't have left you over that, I'd help you through anything. And I love Grace and Mae, too," you told him.

     "I know, but I didn't want you to have to deal with all that baggage." You frowned at that. You reached your hand across the table and grasped his, squeezing it tenderly.

     "You're worth it."

     After that day, you and Duff started seeing each other again. It wasn't the same as before, but maybe even better.

     You were more transparent with each other. If one had a worry or problem, you'd go to the other. You talked everything through with him and he did the same. Even if it seemed insignificant, talking everything through never failed to make it better.

    You were happier and healthier than ever before. Sure, there were a roadblock or two, but they only made the relationship even stronger, and you wouldn't have changed a thing about it.

[elenaaadaniels]

Chapter Sixteen: Crashing Down On Us

Part 17

___________________________________ You don't have to say you love me. I just wanna tell you somethin'. Lately you've been on my mind.

- 𝘈𝘥𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘉𝘺 𝘏𝘢𝘳𝘳𝘺 𝘚𝘵𝘺𝘭𝘦𝘴 ___________________________________

If there was one word to describe the trip from Mos Pelgo to Mos Eisley, the word would be tense. It surrounded the three mostly around Din and Nadia. He peered over to the rearview mirror seeing over the course of an hour or so, she still looked upset with her hands still on his shoulder.

" Hey, you okay?" He questioned loudly over the roar of the bike.

She frowned, bothered that he asked," Yeah, why?"

" You've been quiet since we've been riding."

" I'm fine." She grumbled never looking in the mirror to face him.

" Are you sure?" Din pressed causing her to nod annoyed.

" Just focus on riding."

So he did. He gripped the handles to the speeder making it go a bit faster, but the silence only lasted around five seconds before he picked his next question.

" Did I do something?"

She huffed loudly," No."

" Then what is it?"

" It's nothing, Din."

" It's clearly something."

" I said it's-"

Her words were cut off when a rope sprung out of the ground catching the speeder and launching them forward into the air. The two gasped loudly at the surprise, Din using his jetpack to land on the ground as safety as he could while Nadia landed side first rolling against the harsh sand. As soon as she could make out her surroundings, she noticed four armed hunters come from their hiding spots all shooting at Din.

" Mando!"

" Get the Child!" One of the armed men ordered.

Nadia sprung into action crawling to the closest blaster she could before firing it at the attacking men getting one of them in the armor. The man turned in Nadia's direction shooting back before swatting away her blaster and landing a hard blow onto her cheek. She hissed falling back onto the ground, but as quickly as it happened, she swung her leg around knocking the man onto the floor before using the hilt of her blaster and jamming it into the man's skull knocking him out cold. She turned to find the child the same time Din did only to see the final man with a knife to his little chin.

" Hey!" Nadia shouted in anger aiming her gun at the attacker." He's just a Child!"

Din was quick to put his hand on the blaster forcing her to lower it knowing it wouldn't be much help and could put both the child and her life in danger. He turned back to the creature holding his hands up with a deep glare under her visor.

" If you put one mark on him, there's no place you will be able to hide from me." He coldly remarked." We can strike a bargain. There's a lot of value in this wreckage. Take your pick. But leave the Child."

The attacker looked at the wreckage around them before taking the knife away from the child's neck and pointing it to what he wanted around Din's shoulders.

" Okay." Din complied taking the jetpack off of his shoulders and placing it onto the ground" Here. It's yours. Take it."

Din backed away from the jetpack and slowly the attacker moved forward before placing the child on the floor and taking the jetpack as fast as he could. The child waddled as quickly as he could over to Nadia, who was quick to scoop him up into her arms checking his neck for any sign of injury.

" Come here, baby. You okay?" She comforted when the child buried his face into her chest clearly frightened.

Din pressed the buttons on his wrist and soon the attacker was flying in the air with the jetpack holding on for dear life. The child and Nadia watched as Din made the jetpack do a couple of loops before the attacker finally fell off onto the ground knocked out for good. When both looked at Din, all he could simply do was shrug his shoulders. When the jetpack returned, they watched it land on the floor slowly, but tip over with a hallow sound Nadia didn't like.

" What does that mean?"

" Ran out of juice." Din groaned grabbing it from the floor a placed it on his shoulders." We're going to have to walk the rest of the way."

Nadia's eyes nearly fell out of their sockets," Walk?" She gasped.

He nodded grabbing the net from the floor and tying it to a loose pole.

" Walk."

All her years on Arvala-7 never prepared her for the journey of hiking through the hot desert of Tatooine. Din carried majority of the heavy stuff that included the dragon meat still nearly preserved and the armor while she carried the child and their bag. She could feel the sweat pooling on her back and even with her hair tied back, she felt like she was on fire.

" Want me to hold him?" Din offered, but it made her laugh knowing he couldn't hold anything more.

" I got it."

As the minutes turned into hours, her throat ached for some water and she could only imagine that if she was miserable, how miserable Din must of been under the heavy armor of beskar. She watched him from the corner of her eyes for signs of dehydration and exhaustion, but it was almost like the man was trained for this walking a bit faster in pace and barely out of breath. When the sun had set, was the time they three had made it to Tatooine yearning for water or at least a place to rest their legs. They made their way to the Cantina spotting the brunette curly hair woman almost instantly.

" I don't know. Looks like someone's gonna be goin' home empty-handed."

" Oh maker." Nadia gasped grabbing a cup off the table instantly." Peli what is this?"

" Water." Peli frowned.

Nadia didn't care placing the cup to her mouth and downing almost the entire thing if she didn't quickly need to take a deep breath. She turned to the Ant placing cards and swatted her hand.

" Move over Ant-man." She ordered causing the big creature to scoot as best as it could.

She sat down feeling her feet ache, but it was the less of her worries and she sat the child comfortably in her lap and placed the cup on his mouth watching him nearly drink the water down like she did.

" You finally found a Mandalorian and ya killed him?" Peli commented while looking to the green and red beskar helmet.

" He wasn't Mandalorian. I bought this armor off of him, though."

Peli nodded," What'd that set you back?"

" Killed the krayt dragon for him." Nadia answered seeing how Peli rolled her eyes.

" Oh. Is that all?" She sarcastically remarked turning back to her playing cars." Telling ya. You two together are a scary match."

" He was my last lead on finding other Mandalorians." Din grunted when the Ant creature started chattering to Peli.

" Okay. Well, you might be in luck. Dr. Mandible says he can connect you with someone who can help you, if you cover his call this round." She explained shrugging his shoulders." It's what he said."

" What's the bet?" Din groaned under his helmet causing Lexie to chuckle.

" Five hundred."

" That's a high-stakes game." Nadia pointed out.

" Hey, he's on a hot streak." Peli commented while Din pulled the credits from his pocket and threw it on the table." Is the pot right? Ha! Idiot's Array! Pay up, thorax!"

" I thought you said he was on a hot streak?" Din spoke clearly irritated.

" Oh. stop your cryin'. You'll rust." Peli teased collecting the money the same time the creature spoke to her." All right. He says the contact will be delivered at the hanger. That's what you wanted, right?"

" Yes."

" All right, well, stop your mopin'. More importantly, did you bring back any of that dragon meat? Better not have any maggots on it. I don't like maggots." Peli spoke while the three followed behind her just thankful to have a lead.

Once back at Peli's, her workers were quick to start up a fire and cook up the meat which was good mostly for the child that was likely to be starving. Nadia laid in the hammock Peli had set up staring at the million of stars that littered the sky. Even being in space, she was amazed they never got near a star and amazed at how bright they were to be so far away. Her view was quickly changed when Din stood above her looking down.

" You're blocking my view, Tin can."

" What's bothering you?" He interrogated causing her to sit up while rolling her eyes.

She looked irritated," Nothing is bothering me."

" You've been quiet and distant all day." He reminded placing his hands on his hips telling her without words that he wasn't going to let this go so easily.

" I'm tired." She lied rubbing her neck.

" Then come sit with me and rest your head on my shoulder."

She smirked at his offer," Are you flirting with me or starting a fight?"

" Why don't you come and find out?" He pressed holding his hand out for her to take.

She couldn't help, but to smile at his gesture taking his hand and lightly hopping out of the hammock before they both walked over to the cooking meat seeing the child nearly salivate.

" Hey, step away." Nadia warned pulling the back of his robe lightly." You're working on more than just a tan."

" Hey, don't overcook it, Treadwell!" Peli remarked coming from her office." I like it medium rare! I'm not some Rodian, for crying out loud. All right, here's the deal. A Mandalorian covert is close. It's in this sector, one system trailing."

" Are they the ones that left Nevarro?" Din pressed.

" Don't know. All I know is that the contact will lead you to them."

Nadia nodded her head," How much will it cost us?"

" Well, that's the great news. It's free."

" What?" Din and Nadia questioned equally surprised.

" Aside from a finder's fee, of course." Peli added wiggling her eyebrows for a bit of a pay.

Nadia nodded with a groan," What's the not-great news?"

" There is one small skank in the scud pie." She warned." The contact wants passage to the system. And...no hyperdrive."

" You want me to travel sublight?" Din questioned shaking his head instantly." Deal's off."

Seeing his worry, Nadia held her hand up," Mando, wait-"

" Moving fast is the only thing keeping us safe."

" These are mitigating circumstances." Peli hinted at causing the two to frown.

" What do you mean mitigating?" Nadia questioned.

Peli held a finger up walking to the entrance she had came from and returning with a backpack tank filled with orange like eggs inside floating.

" These are a eggs from a frog creature." Peli explained placing the tank onto the ground lightly." They use to live here, but had to go off to Trask in an emergency. She needs her eggs fertilized by the equinox or her line will end. If you jump into hyperspace, they'll die. She said her husband has settled on the estuary moon of Trask in the system of the gas giant Kol Iben. You deliver this to her and she'll tell you where the Mandalorian hides."

Nadia knew something like this couldn't go unpassed. It was someone's eggs. Someone that wanted a family and this was there last chance to do it. Din already knew the answer. With Nadia, he had to say yes. He looked over to her and that was his mistake seeing her beady eyes plead for him to take it. He groaned to himself turning to Peli.

" Is she sure there are Mandalorians there?" He reminded causing Peli to nod her head.

" She said her husband has seen them."

" Cut us a slice and we should get going." Din ordered lightly smiling when he saw how happy it made Nadia.

Peli nodded cutting a good portion of the meat for the three before they were off back into space for their journey. Nadia smiled feeding the child the meat and lightly laughed at how quickly he was trying to eat it.

" Slow down, little one." She urged fearing he would choke on a piece.

" Can you tell me why you're so mad at me?" Din interrogated not even fully down the ladder once it was safe to put the Crest on auto-pilot.

She shook her head," I'm not mad at you." She insisted going to grab some more water for the child.

" Is it because I dived into the dragon?"

She froze instantly tensing up that it answered Din's question without her having to say anything. He had hit the hammer right on the nail.

" Can we just drop it?" She almost begged once she had come out of her haze.

“I’m sorry for-“

“Don’t.” She interrupted, harshly than she intended.

 Din froze from her reaction swallowing," It is, isn't it?" He pressed and when she didn't answer, he lightly placed his hand on her waist turning her around." Nadia."

" I don't want to talk about it." She argued going to hand the water to the child when he had took the opportunity to go towards the tank and steal one of the eggs.

" No, no, no!" Din shouted watching the child slurp one of the eggs instantly." That is not food. Don't do that again. You need to go to sleep. Now."

With Din taking the child to bed, Nadia chuckled walking towards the ladder and heading to the cockpit. She sat on her usual seat looking up the planet of Trask seeing how the primary terrain was oceans. The doors to the ladder port opened again with Din walking in empty handed.

" How many do you think he had?"

" I didn't mean to make you upset." Din interrupted never answering her question.

She took a deep needed breath shaking her head as she tried to continue in her research.

“You…you should of said something.” She muttered out.

“I didn’t have time.” Din argued.

“Didn’t have time to tell me you were going to get swallowed by that thing?” Nadia snapped spinning in her chair and glaring at him.“I thought you died.”

“I didn’t though.” Din said, sounding confused.

“ So that's what I should hold onto.” She said back, shaking her head in disbelief. “That you didn't die. You could have. Hell, I don’t know how you didn’t. I mean, did you even think you were going to make it?”

The silence that followed answered her question 

“You knew what I am." He spoke breaking the small silence." What I did. I am a bounty hunter. I am a Mandalorian. Putting my life at risk is part of the life. You can’t expect me to give that up.”

“You aren’t just a bounty hunter or a Mandalorian anymore! You are a father to this kid now, no matter how much you don’t want to admit it because it scares you.” She argued about to calm down when she laid all the cards on the ground." You almost died on Nevarro! I don't....I don't ever want to go down that road ever again. Seeing you...hurt."

Din finally understood everything in front of him. He lived his life still thinking he was a lone ranger forgetting he had the child and Nadia who needed him. She said it once on Nevarro. She needed him.

" I'm sorry." He quickly apologized." I didn't think it was going to affect you this much."

" I didn't either." She muttered turning back to the screen in front of her." Can we just drop it?"

" Will you talk to me?"

She cracked a smile," Of course."

" Then I'll drop it." He said giving his own smile under his helmet.

With the day they had endured, it wasn't surprising that while working on their own two things, sleep had caught up to them before they could even head to their quarters. Din didn't recognize this until hours later when the alarm started to go off signaling trouble. He bounced out of his seat looking around the cockpit seeing despite the alarms, Nadia was still sleeping. Safe, but still sleeping.

" Razor Crest, M-One-Eleven. Come in, Razor Crest. Do you copy?"

He turned on his coms quickly seeing two x-wings surround both sides of the Crest.

" This is Razor Crest. Is there a problem?"

" We noticed your transponder is not emitting."

" Yes, I'm pre-Empire surplus. I'm not required to run a beacon."

" That was before." The officer explained." This sector is under New Republic jurisdiction. All craft are required to run a beacon."

Din nodded his head," Thank you for letting me know. I'll get right on it."

" Not a problem. Safe travels. May the Force be with you."

" And also with you."

" Just one more thing."

Din could feel a curse words slipping through his mouth, but stopped himself not wanting to get shot down so quickly.

" Yes?"

" I'm gonna need you to send us a ping. We're out here sweeping for Imperial holdouts. I'm still gonna need you to send us that ping."

" Well, I'm not sure I have that hardware online." Din explaining faking some switches as proof." Yeah, I...Doesn't seem to be working."

" That's too bad. If we can't confirm you're not Imperial, you're gonna have to follow us to the outpost at Adelphi. They'll run your tabs."

" Oh, wait. There it is." Din gave in pressing the button." Transmitting now. The hypervac is drawing off the exhaust manifold."

" Carson, can you switch over to channel two?"

" Copy."

Din turned in his chair" Nadia!" He whisper shouted in order to not be heard on coms." Nadia, I need you to wake up."

" No thank you." She muttered in her sleep.

" Was your craft in the proximity of New Republic Correctional Transport, Bothan-Five?"

Din knew the danger they were in. The officers would take them all in and he couldn't afford to do so still needing to return the child and protect Nadia. He revered the ship sharply to the right jolting her awake in the process as the two officers followed right behind.

"What?" She questioned, her head still fuzzy with sleep seeing they were quickly diving down to a planet." Din, what's going on?"

" Strap in, now!"

"Are we being tailed?" She asked yanking her seatbelt and bulking in.

" Yes!"

" Razor Crest, stand down. We will fire. I repeat, we will fire."

Nadia gasped as the Razor Crest veered left and right, up and down that it left a hallow feeling in her stomach. Din moved the gears forward causing the ship to dive low causing her to yelp.

" We're going to crash! We're going to crash! We're going to crash!" She frantically declared, nails digging into the seat as proof.

" Come on, Razor Crest, don't make us do it."

" Hold on." Din warned temporarily turning off the jets causing the Crest to plummet to the ground below.

" What do you think I've been doing!?" She shouted.

Once the clouds had cleared around them, Din turned the jet's back on seeing an ice planet below that held a canyon. He moved full speed that it yet again left a hallow feeling that she could already imagine what the child felt.

The child.

She turned in her seat frantically for the child only to notice he was no where to be seen or heard.

" Where's the kid?"

" Downstairs!" Din yelled hearing the sound of seatbelt being unclipped." Nadia, what are you doing?"

" Making sure he's okay!" She shouted back already at the ladder.

" Nadia!"

She tried her best to carefully climb down, but it was no use when the ship veered again causing her to stumble onto the ground. She could care less quickly getting up and looking around the main hull.

" Kid! Where are you?!" She shouted throwing around blankets until she found the child under one with scared beady eyes." Hey, little guy. It's okay. I got you."

It didn't last long when the Razor Crest crashed onto the icy ground nearly knocking her to the ground if she didn't hold onto something.

" Shit!" She cursed bracing for the worst when the Crest crashed into something large enough to stop it.

Her head was still in a spinning motion from the events looking down to the child seeing he was concern, but glad to at least be in her arms.

" So much for a safe trip." She stated when the sound of cracking surrounded the ship as the floor rumbled under them." Din?!"

Her plead was drowned out as the ice under the ship had gave way sending them plummeting deep into the canyon. As the ship went down, Lexie and the child flew upwards being on the ceiling for a solid ten seconds. All Nadia could remember was nothing, but darkness.

[ichigoromi]

𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮'𝐫𝐞 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐲 𝐭𝐨 𝐝𝐨 𝐈𝐓 | 𝐌𝐒𝐁𝐘 𝐅𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧 | 𝐇𝐚𝐢𝐤𝐲𝐮𝐮 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧

GUYS AND GIRLS AND MY NON-BINARY MATES! IT'S OKAY TO STOP WHENEVER YOU WANT. DO NOT FEEL OBLIGATED TO CONTINUE JUST BECAUSE YOUR PARTNER WANTS. CONSENT IS BOTH WAYS.

Okay, yeah, I just want to put that out because I've seen some of my acquaintances or heard stories going through some traumatic shit because they weren't ready but were forced to go through it.

Pairing (s): MSBY Four — Bokuto Koutarou, Hinata Shoyo, Miya Atsumu and Sakusa Kiyoomi x fem! reader, all characters are aged up!

Genre: romance, fluff

Warning (s): mentions of sex, pre-marital sex, suggestive themes, toxic friends, peer pressure, sexual assault not suitable for 18 and under. 18 and under DNI.

a/n - not going to lie; I always feel uncomfy while writing kissing or seggs scenes because I have no idea how it feels. Do people really suck their partner's tongue while making out? I have tons of questions, but my irl friends are like me, we have no knowledge abt kissing...

Enjoy~!

Bokuto Koutarou

Bokuto is your first boyfriend, and he is your first for everything.

He is always patient and never rushes you.

You two always do things at your pace because he doesn't want you to feel uncomfortable.

But, you know that sooner or later, you two would have sex.

And the thought of it scares you.

You were brought up in a traditional and conservative family; sex was never really mentioned.

Most of your friends are experienced and often give you advice on how to do it.

Some of your 'friends' told you that he will leave you if you don't have sex with him soon.

You're an insecure individual, so hearing those, you can't help but feel obligated to have sex with him soon.

Bokuto has a high EQ, and he easily noticed that you were feeling upset.

Since you didn't want to worry him, you reassure him that you were okay.

After three years of dating, was he going to leave you because you two couldn't have sex because of you?

Bokuto pulls you onto his lap, and you gently loop your arms around his neck to bring him closer to you. You kissed him back with as much passion as he was, and he sneaks his hands underneath your shirt to massage your stomach gently.

You softly moaned when he slips his tongue into yours, and he playfully sucks on it.

He stops kissing your lips and slowly kisses his way down to your neck, and sucks on your collarbones, leaving light love bites on them. Your breath hitched when you felt him cupping your breast; you immediately pushed his hands away.

At first, Bokuto felt a bit taken back by your reaction, then he saw your glassy eyes.

"Hey, what's wrong? You can tell me." He tries to touch you, but you shook your head.

"I'm not ready...I don't want to do this, Kou. Are you going to leave me?" Bokuto was confused; why the hell would you come to a conclusion that ridiculous just because you didn't want to have sex with him?

He cups your face and makes you face him.

"Babe, it's okay if you're not ready. We don't have to do this if you don't want to. We can stop. I'll never leave you. Was it those friends of yours again? Dump them. If my baby doesn't want to have sex, then we shall not. We shall do it when you're ready, okay? Don't feel pressured by them; we do this at our pace. Now, do you want to watch a movie and cuddle?" You meekly nodded your head, and he kisses your forehead and on the lips.

Bokuto went back to the room and came back with a big fleece blanket.

"Virgin or not, I will always love you. Don't listen to the rubbish they are talking about. If you wanna have sex, we can do it. As long you are comfortable, that is all I want. Don't blame yourself, okay?" He flicked your forehead when he noticed your sad pout.

He set up the TV and dims the lights in the living room. You sat in his lap, and he wraps the blanket around the two of you as the movie starts playing.

"Kou, I love you. Thank you for being so understanding." You thanked him and kisses his cheek.

"I love you too." Bokuto pulls you closer and kisses the top of your head.

Miya Atsumu

Atsumu loves you a lot.

You were the first girlfriend he has brought home to his parents, and Osamu approves of you.

It seems like he has found his match. His fans were glad to see him in a relationship where he is genuinely happy.

Before Atsumu, you dated a couple of guys, and it was all bad experiences.

Your first boyfriend forced you to give your virginity to him, and he was older, so you thought that was what you're supposed to do in a relationship.

The second guy just took advantage of your vulnerability and exploit you in the worst possible ways.

You met Atsumu while working as a pilates instructor, and their's team trainer introduced you to him.

And you two have been dating for about two years after knowing for about a year.

Sex...you two did talk about it, but you were just not ready to do it after all the traumatic experiences.

And, he was okay with it.

You felt bad because sometimes you can hear him touching himself, yet you can't help him with his needs.

"Tsumu, let's do it." You climb into his lap and captures his lips into yours. He was surprised, but nonetheless, he loves kissing you. He wraps his arms around your waist and pulls you closer to him.

His hands crept up to your inner thighs, and he starts massaging your thighs.

You felt a bit squirmish and slight discomfort, but you ignored it and starts kissing down his neck, leaving love bites, and you helped him removed his shirt.

Atsumu knows you well, and he noticed your expression. Even though it was subtle, he noticed how you were slightly uncomfortable and when he touches you, you flinched by reflex.

All the small actions that you unconsciously do make him realised that you were forcing yourself to do.

"Hey, we don't have to do it if you're not ready. You don't have to force yourself." Hearing him say that, you broke down in tears.

He holds you securely and pats your back in a comforting manner as you cry.

Even though you wanted to do it, he sensed that you were uncomfortable and decided to stop you. He noticed that you were not ready and immediately stopped and comforted you; it made you realise that he is not like your exes.

"Babe, we can do it when you're ready to do it. No need to rush yourself; I can wait. I'm not going to leave just because we are not having sex." He comforted you and nodded your head.

You lifted up your head, and his heart ached at the sight of your tear-stained cheeks.

"I'm sorry for not being able to things like a normal couple. I just thought that you might leave me if we don't have sex..." He shook his head and cups your face in his hands.

"I can wait as long as you are ready to do it. I'm not going to leave you just because we can't have sex. If I have any urges, I'll just touch myself or something. I want you to feel that you are safe with me and under no pressure. If you don't want to have sex, we don't have to. Is that clear?" He stroke your cheeks gently.

"Thank you for being so patient. I just feel-" Atsumu shuts you up by kissing you on the lips.

"No more feeling bad in this house! Let's watch your favourite show and order takeout, okay?" He was desperately trying to comfort you.

"Okay, I'll stop feeling bad. I love you." You leaned in to kiss his lips.

"I love you too. Now, I'll go get you one of my hoodies and we can cuddle more after I go calm myself down. See you in a bit!" He pecks your lips and rushed off to the bathroom.

Hinata Shōyō

He may look innocent, but Hinata probably has more experience than you.

But this guy has tons of patience when it comes to you.

You knew him since young since he was a neighbour of yours.

After graduating high school, you two reconnected and started dating shortly.

So, you two have been dating for three years, and there has never been a dull moment with him.

However, your friends ask about your sex life, but the two of you literally did nothing. The most you guys did was make out.

It's not you guys are super pure or innocent; you two felt there wasn't a need to have sex.

But how long can he last without having sex?

So you decided to ask him directly about it.

The two of you were just chilling on the sofa after dinner. You snuggled against him, and he wraps his arms around you and pulls you closer to him. When you two entered into the relationship, you guys promised each other to always be open.

Communication was the key to a stable relationship, and it was bugging you.

"Babe, are you okay without having sex? We've been going out for three years, and we never had sex. I just want to know your opinion about it." It was direct, and he never expects to have this kind of talk with you.

He thinks for a moment and hugs you tighter.

"Well, I am fine without it since I've been so busy training. I just want to spend time with you, sex or no sex; I love being around you. And, it's your body too. When you are ready, you can just tell me. No need to rush." He kisses your cheeks, and you nodded your head.

"Okay, I just want to know. You know, because my friends are talking about how sex is the one factor keeping their man. What about you?" You poked his cheeks, and he pouts.

"I'm not that horny! Anyways, I love coming home to your cooking and how you decorate our apartment and our dates! Not all relationships are like that...Or perhaps, you are the horny one in this relationship?" He scooted over from you and gasped.

You rolled your eyes at his dramatic self.

"You are the horny one! I caught you doing it in the bathroom!"

"You did it too! You left your dildo by the bathroom counter!"

The two of you burst out laughing at each other.

"Alright, we can do it whenever you are ready. Wait, we are going to miss the show! Turn on the TV!"

Sakusa Kiyoomi

Both of you are pretty direct in your relationship since you guys prioritise communication.

The talk of sex never really come up in your conversation.

You two have not moved in together yet but are looking at potential places to move in together.

Your parents were happy to hear you two were finally getting your own place after dating for five years and are engaged now.

Both of you rarely have the time to meet since you both are busy, but Sundays are meant for dates.

Your friends are shocked to hear that you and Sakusa never have sex throughout your relationship, not even once.

Maybe you two could just keep in your pants 👀.

Obviously, you two almost did it, but both of you stopped each other before it went further.

Sakusa himself has a lot of restraint but sometimes, seeing you in his shirt and cooking in his kitchen really turns him on.

He stood up from the sofa and approached you from the back. You jumped slightly when he wrapped his arms around your waist and leaned his chin on your shoulder.

"Wait a bit; good food takes time to cook. You can have some strawberries if you're hungry. My uncle sent some from his farm." He was not looking for some strawberries.

Sakusa softly kisses the nape of your neck; you accidentally let out a moan when he sucks on your sensitive spot. His naughty hands slyly sneak under your shirt and touch your stomach, leaving feathery touches below your bra.

He never stops kissing your neck, and you knew this might end up in the bedroom if you don't stop him and no dinner for you two.

"Kiyoomi, stop. I'm not ready yet." You told him firmly, and he stops immediately.

You turn down the stove and turns around to face him. He looked away, feeling guilty that he lost his rationality when he saw you in his shirt.

"Hey, don't feel bad. I stopped you, didn't I? That's all that matter." He lets out a deep sigh and pulls you into his embrace.

"I'm sorry. Seeing you in my shirt, I lost my rationality. You look so damn hot in it." He confessed, and you burst out laughing.

Sakusa frowned and cups your face to make you look at him.

"Fine, I won't laugh but get those strawberries and get out of the kitchen." You loop your arms around his neck to bring him down to your height for a kiss.

He lets you go and got the strawberries to the living room but his eyes were admiring your back as you return back to cooking.

YAASSSSSSS! I'M DONE!

I'm so happy that I have finished writing this! Hope you all enjoyed this! Thank you for reading!

Stay safe and healthy!

With love,

Rosalie🍓

[absolutebl]

I came across a post of yours where you briefly mentioned tharntype and I just wanted to say that it made me feel so seen. I don't quite know how to articulate my thoughts on the show. I want to say I hate it, but also cannot stop watching it. At first I was very firm that I would never watch the show because I heard about some of the dubcon stuff, and to say that type of thing turns me off and upsets me in an understatement. But then I kept getting recommended clips of tharntype scenes, and against my better judgment was like... hmm I am kinda curious about this chemistry people are raving about and... WOW. I just... the scenes aren't even very explicit. I guess they are kind of high heat, but for me not really. But even still the chemistry, just everything about the two of them together is... yeah. So I watched the show. And I have so many problems with it, but mewgulf has some of the best chemistry I've seen on screen period, BL or not. Maxtul for me are the only two who beat them, and that might just be my nostalgia for them talking if I'm being completely honest.

Yep, I hear you. This is exactly how I feel. I think you're maybe talking about this post.

I've come to a point with these shows, but other media also (like some K-dramas which a just so anti-feminist I can't EVEN, but also, how must do I ADORE Hospital Playlist? Too much.) where I just have to accept that they managed to make me love them despite my values.

Maybe I can be more sanguine about it because I come from the entertainment industry? Maybe it's a bi-product of age? Or maybe it's personality?

But I think there's self acceptance and also self reflection to be had around taste, particularly if what we like is questionable. Why do I still like it? What does that say about me as a consumer? What does it say about the performances? The storytelling that it got me despite myself?

Perhaps I'm taking a kind of comfort in the grey areas now. If something is too perfect or too ideal in representation, it's somewhat boring? Too safe?

But also what we find acceptable in media and entertainment (like dub con, queer rep, sex negativity) has changed so much over just my lifetime. Sometimes I think these dramas just need a little time to catch up. And they are trying. Look at Lovely Writer. Look at Don't Say No (right now anyway).

There's this story about a footrace.

A bunch of really little kids - at an age just able to run. Their mom's are at the other end of the field. And the starter goes off, and most of them just toddle off as fast as they can.

But there's one little boy who doesn't know what to do. He's a little younger than the others. He's confused by the crowd. He's stuck back at the start.

And one little girl notices. And while she takes off running with the others, she looks back and sees him still at the start.

So she loops around and goes back, and takes his hand and tugs him along. And they come in last place, but they do it together.

We should try to be her, I think.

Participate, but don't leave them behind just because they don't understand.

[lavsnz]

Can I send in a request where your OCs are in a fight and one of them gets sick and the other drops the argument to take care of them?

hi! thank you for the req, sorry it took a while! i'm not gonna lie, it definitely hurt my heart a bit to write this 🥺 but i think it turned out okay! thank you again for the req, i hope you enjoy!

Paisley is beyond annoyed. When she hears the knock on her door she practically stomps as she makes her way over. She opens the door and turns away to walk into the apartment and Rowan follows behind. She turns around to face Rowan with a huff and her arms crossed, a pissed off expression on her face.

“Well?” Paisley snaps.

“Paisley, I'm so sorry. I promise I can explain. I- ” Rowan rushes out quickly. Paisley cuts her off.

“You know what? I don’t want to hear it. It is 9:30 p.m. and I started getting ready at six. Every Friday since we started dating we’ve gone out at seven. When we can’t we always text to keep each other in the loop. I’ve been blowing up your phone, worried sick about you and have received nothing but radio silence from you! What the fuck, Rowan?! I’ve waited for two and a half hours just for you to show up like you rolled out of bed, really? You know I don’t care about what you wear but seriously? It’s date night, you know that! Well at least you should’ve known, but it clearly doesn’t matter to you!” Paisley shouts.

“Pais, please! I-”

“No! What part of ‘I don't want to hear it” do you not understand? You’ve been blowing me off all week for your soccer shit. You know I fully support your soccer career but I am your girlfriend and deserve some of your time too! I’m pissed at you and can’t handle being around you right now. Out. Now.” Paisley growls.

“Paisley-”

“Now, Rowan!”

Rowan turns to leave but stops herself.

“I’ll leave in a moment but I can't just leave without explaining. At the end of this week they’re picking a new team captain and Lily has been on my ass at everything we’ve been doing for the past two week because she wants me to be her co-captain. They’ve been working us like crazy for tryouts and I’ve barely been able to keep up with my classes. I’m so sick, everyone has noticed but I couldn’t do anything about it. This afternoon after practice I went to take a thirty minute nap before our date because I felt so horrible and I didn’t hear my alarm go off. Lily came into my room looking for Emily just ten minutes before I came here and woke me up and drove me over here frantically because I was freaking out. My phone’s on two percent which is why I didn’t text because I didn’t want it to die on me. I’m so sorry, I feel so horrible and I know I’ve been terrible to you this week and I’m just so sorry,” Rowan says, through a fit of coughs and sobs. She pulls out her phone and shows Paisley the battery percent. “I’m gonna text Lily now and ask her to come pick me up. I’m so sorry Paisley, I promise I’ll make it up to you if you let me. I can’t say I’m sorry enough but please know that I truly am. I know it probably doesn’t seem like it right now, but I love you so much.”

With that Paisley watches Rowan turn around and head to the door. Rowan opens the door and starts to walk out before Paisley lunges at her and holds Rowan from behind, her arms wrapped tightly around Rowan’s torso.

“Wait! No no no no no! Don’t go! I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I didn't mean it! I’m just angry and upset and I’m clearly not thinking before speaking. I didn’t want you to go, never wanted you to go.” Paisley sobs into Rowan’s back. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry Ro. Please don’t go, please don’t leave me. I never wanted you to go, I want you here. Always want you here,” Paisley says quietly, still sobbing into Rowan’s back.

Rowan tries to answer but is stopped by a horrible coughing fit. “Pais, I can’t really breathe well to begin and you’re kinda hurting me. Can you please loosen your grip?” Rowan asks softly and starts coughing again immediately after. Paisley does as asked and Rowan turns around in her arms to face Paisley.

“If you don’t want me to go I won’t. But I understand if you want me to and if you need space. I can text Lily-” Rowan says, crying too.

“No!” Paisley shrieks and starts sobbing even harder into Rowan’s shoulder.

“Okay. You’re breathing so fast, love. Let’s go sit on the couch.” Rowan says, before shuffling both herself and Paisley to the couch. She leads them to the long part of the couch where they can sit and hold each other.

“Shhh, there we go. You’re okay bug, you’re okay. I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere. Gonna sit here and hold you. You’re okay, I love you,” Rowan soothes.

They hold each other tight and in silence for a while, both girls crying into the other. Eventually Rowan calms herself down and Paisley follows shortly after, sniffling into Rowan’s shoulder and rubbing her nose into it.

“I’m sorry for being so mean. I’m just upset and hurt and I kinda freaked out. This hasn’t happened before and it really scared me and I thought I was losing you,” Paisley quietly says, hiding her face into Rowan’s neck.

“Oh, bug.” Rowan says sadly. “No, you’re not losing me, I promise. It’s just been so crazy and I should’ve been better about keeping you updated and communicating. I’m sorry,” she finishes. Rowan tilts Paisley’s head up and gives her a kiss. It’s a bit messy with their runny noses from crying, but Rowan pulls Paisley closer and smiles into the kiss when Paisley lets out a sigh of relief. The kiss is cut off by Rowan going into a harsh coughing fit.

“Oh, babe. You look so sick. Honey, I’m sorry I didn’t notice. Oh goodness, baby you look so tired. Let’s get some water and meds and cuddle in bed so you can get some well deserved sleep,” Paisley coos. She gets up and Rowan does too after her. Paisley tells Rowan to head to the bedroom as she gets the cough syrup and water.

When Paisley is back in her room, Rowan is in bed and under the covers with some handkerchiefs on her lap. Paisley lets out a small laugh as she gets in bed and lets out a content little nose when Rowan snuggles in close and uses one of the handkerchiefs to clean up Paisley’s nose. Rowan wipes up her own and goes to lay down but starts coughing again. Paisley can hear the rattling in Rowan’s chest and frowns.

“We still have to talk about this, but right now the only thing I care about right now is doing my best to take care of you. We’re going to urgent care in the morning, I think you may have bronchitis,” Paisley says as she starts gathering pillows to prop Rowan up in hope that Rowan will cough less. Once Paisley is done she settles back into bed and wraps her arms around Rowan. Paisley goes in for a kiss but Rowan starts coughing once again.

“That really doesn’t sound good, babylove.”

“I know,” Rowan says through the coughs. “I’m hoping the cough syrup kicks in soon,” she finishes once the fit is done.

Paisley hums in reply and places her head on Rowan’s chest. Rowan starts carding her fingers through Paisley’s hair as she starts to fall asleep. Paisley gives her a sleepy kiss and whispers a small “I love you,” to Rowan.

Rowan’s reply comes out as an incoherent mumble, a few coughs, and a kiss to the top of Paisley’s head. Paisley lets out a breath of a laugh and tucks her face into Rowan’s neck. They fall asleep just like that, holding each other close, wrapped up in so much love for each other despite their earlier fight. They’ll talk it out later, once Rowan is healthy and can actually talk without having a coughing spasm. They stay intertwined all night, close and warm, and glad to call the other ‘girlfriend’.

[comfyswitcherblanketfort]

Drabble prompt for you boo: Geralt x Jaskier. Just the waking up part of some 'true love's kiss' sleeping spell/curse. I don't care how they got there, I just wanna see that fluffy reawakening scene with the tender concern and the smooching. You're the best, Braincell Bae.

am I aware that I have other prompts I say I'm going to write? yes. Am I going to start them after this? yes. But this has been living in the forefront of my brain since I go it and I needed to just crank it out. I defs did two versions of this bc it was too cute and the ideas just wouldn’t go away. 

Jaskier finds Geralt:

Jaskier was furious. How dare they take his witcher, let alone curse him? 

He had stormed into the castle with nothing but rage in his blood and a sword at his side. It felt odd to wield a weapon again after so long carrying only a lute, but a three pound string instrument would not fix this problem. 

When he reached the top of the tower, having dispatched several guards and a metric ton of plant matter, he had spent most of his rage. Now he was left with his need, and that was probably worse. 

He gave up trying to pick the padlock at the door and beat it with the hilt of his sword until it snapped, patience gone with the rage. 

The room he entered was filled with sunlight and well kept, a strange contrast to the rest of the overrun castle. In its center was a large four post bed with curtains draped across its sides. As Jaskier approached it he felt a sudden nervousness. What if it was a trap? What if his darling witcher was somewhere else and he was wasting time here?

He hesitantly reached for the edge of a curtain, brushing it out of the way just enough to peek inside. As promised, Geralt was there, lying peacefully in the middle of the plush bedding. His hair was braided out of his eyes in twin plaits laced with baby’s breath and buttercups that disappeared behind his temple and left the rest of his hair to flow over the satin pillows. There was a contented smile on his lips and Jaskier wondered what he might be dreaming about. 

He quickly ducked behind the curtain, kneeling on the mattress next to Geralt to rest his hand on his cheek. Normally the witcher would have woken with a start and gripped his hand, but he stayed completely still and completely asleep. There was a moment where Jaskier almost didn’t want to wake him. Geralt saw so much pain and never let himself rest, it was nice to see him so blissfully relaxed. But the sorcerer had set a time limit on the permanence of this particular curse and Jaskier wasn’t comfortable cutting it close. 

He leaned forward and pressed a gentle, lingering kiss to his lover’s lips, breathing in the smell of leather and sword polish and sweat that represented home. The dam he’d built to keep his emotions in check broke as their lips parted and Geralt gasped. Tears of relief overflowed from his eyes when he finally, after all these weeks, saw Geralt looking back at him in confusion. 

“Jask why are you crying?” Geralt freed his arms from the blankets and drew his bard in close, cradling him into his chest. 

Jaskier gave a shaky laugh, clinging to Geralt in a silent promise to never leave his side, “I missed you.” 

Geralt pressed a kiss to the top of his head, “Sweetheart I didn’t think you’d be so upset with me sleeping in.”

“Geralt,” Jaskier scolded, propping himself on his elbow to look at his beautiful darling witcher, “you’ve been asleep for weeks.” 

“Weeks? And I still feel tired?” Geralt ran a hand through Jaskier’s soft locks. 

Jaskier poked him in the chest, not masking his fear with quite as much charm as usual, “If you go back to sleep I’ll kill you.”

Geralt frowned, cupping his cheek and running his thumb over the soft skin under his eyes to wipe away his tears, “I won’t.” He whispered, “Should we get up and go? Would you feel better?”

Jaskier held Geralt’s wrist, turning to kiss his palm, “Not yet. Just wanna hold you.”

Geralt leaned up, pressing a kiss to Jaskier’s nose before repositioning them so he could completely envelop the bard, “You sleep, I’ll keep watch.”

The bard sighed, burrowing deeper into his witcher’s chest before falling asleep, content as could be.

Geralt finds Jaskier: this got goofy

Geralt thought he'd been breathless fighting his way into the castle overgrown with rose bushes and thorny vines, but one look at Jaskier took his breath away entirely. 

He was sprawled out on a large canopy bed covered in a beautifully embroidered duvet. Well it was covered in the duvet. Jaskier had it bunched up in what Geralt called his 'nest', half used to cuddle with and the other half draped over his hips. He was on his side, one bare leg stuck out in front of him with his foot dangling off the bed, one hand clutching the blankets to him while the other reached above his head, ignoring the plush pillows and using his own arm instead. His hair was a tragic mess and there was a small puddle of drool forming on his tunic sleeve. 

Geralt was breathless from laughing. 

He leaned against the doorway, clutching his stomach as he tried to get his legs back under him.

All this production and the sorceress forgot to immobilize him. 

He approached the bed, still chuckling and brushed the hair out of his bard's eyes. He really was completely smitten with the fool, as much as he would deny it if anyone asked. He nudged Jaskier’s shoulder, rolling him over, only to have the sleeping bard fight him and snuggle in closer to the blankets.

“No, I have to kiss you. Roll over, idiot.” Geralt laughed as he pulled at the blankets and rolled Jaskier to his back.

At least most of the drool is on the sheets now.

“You sweet dumbass…” Geralt sighed, leaning down to press his lips against Jaskier’s. 

As soon as he pulled away Jaskier shot up, smacking right into Geralt’s chin earning shouts from both of them.

Geralt did his best to stifle his laugh this time, seeing how disoriented Jaskier was, “Morning Sleeping Beauty.” 

“Geralt you know I hate those tales. They’re- Where are we?”

Geralt pulled his bard closer, “An abandoned castle in the woods.”

Jaskier raised one eyebrow, looping his arms around Geralt’s waist, “Abandoned you say?”

“Entirely.”

Jaskier tucked a stray tendril of hair behind Geralt’s ear, “I’m feeling sleepy again.”

Geralt smirked, shifting so Jaskier was seated on his lap, “Oh?”

The bard nodded, a false innocence in his eyes, “Kiss me more, my hero.” 

Geralt obliged, what else could he do? His bard had been cursed after all.

[wristpockets]

On Caleb, redemption arcs, and seeing a characters as their journey

I didn't like Caleb for a long time.

I liked him at first, this socially awkward, troubled guy. But it got old quickly, and instead I was frustrated by his self-pity and refusal to let anyone else in. By the end of the campaign, he was one of my least favourite PCs in the campaign.

But now, after the end, I think he might be my favourite.

There's something you can only see once a whole story has been written. Caleb's snail's-pace recovery and self-forgiveness were frustrating because I wanted him to be better, I wanted him to be forgiven, I wanted him to be loved and let himself be loved. But I love a slow-burn redemption story (my essek time loop fic is proof of that), and now that it's over, I can see it for what it is.

There are two moments that stand out to me.

In episode 26, the night before Molly dies, Caleb is on watch and he starts talking to himself. He goes over all the reasons he should leave, then tells himself he's going to. Repeats it to himself. Waits a few minutes, then a few hours, until everyone else wakes up.

That scene really stuck out to me when it aired, and I still think about it a lot. I've had nights like that - while camping, even - of talking yourself into a horrible, but seemingly unavoidable decision. He decides to leave. But there's this unwillingness to go that turns into resignation, and you sit there alone with your thoughts, going through hell, and then everyone wakes up around you. They have no idea what's been going on while you've sat there, staring at the fire.

The second moment that stuck out to me was the scene in Felderwin, when Nott blamed Caleb for Yeza being kidnapped and, when Caleb was desperately (and you could see how upset he was on Liam's face) trying to get Nott to stop talking about it in front of Jester, Fjord and Caduceus. Beau tries to get Nott to stop, and Nott just says "well, fuck him," and Caleb throws up.

This was a frustrating scene for me. We know Nott is just drunk and upset and going through a lot. We know she loves Caleb, we know Caleb isn't to blame, we know Nott knows that too. But he's still upset enough to throw up, still needs Caduceus to pick him up and clean him off and try to reassure him.

But forgiveness, especially forgiveness from yourself, is hard when you have other voices telling you that you are responsible, that you're not forgiven. I don't blame Nott for this at all, but her actions here were clearly very damaging to Caleb, and probably a significant setback.

The reason that scene is less frustrating now is because I know he gets better.

Liam said during an episode of Talks early on that Caleb would absolutely leave the party if Liam felt it was appropriate. Caleb staying was never guaranteed. Caleb healing was never guaranteed. And I think it was frustrating to see a character I identified so strongly with drag out this redemption arc over three years, especially when I didn't realize why he affected me the way he does.

I see a lot of myself in Caleb, and seeing him at the end of the campaign - his attempted resurrection of Molly, especially - does recontextualize both of those scenes. I think those scenes would read a lot differently if Caleb did end up leaving, or he didn't heal, love, and accept love the way he does by the end. It's easier to see it for what it was - not a selfish man languishing in his self-centred self-pity, but a man fighting himself tooth and nail at every turn to just try. To try to stay. To try to forgive himself.

Caleb, more than I think any other character from the Mighty Nein (though Beau, Yasha and Fjord also qualify), needs his entire story heard to be fully understood. We, as an audience, all probably had an idea of where Caleb's story was going. We knew he'd heal, forgive himself. But we didn't know how, or when, or why, or how much. And when he did feel better, it had been so gradual and uphill that it felt really, truly earned.

There's this theme in a few stories - Les Miserables and Shawshank Redemption jump to mind - of people searching for redemption and forgiveness for something that was entirely justified (Jean Valjean stealing bread to save his starving family) or not at all their fault (Andy Dufresne's wrongful conviction for his wife's murder). Both those stories have such strong themes of redemption - hell, it's in the title - but for what?

In Les Mis, it wasn't the theft Valjean felt he needed to atone for. He needed to atone for what he let happen to him, his heart, his soul, in prison. He needed to fix what his circumstances made him, even if he wasn't at fault. Andy Dufresne is very similar.

I feel Caleb fits into this list, too. The things he did, he did as a manipulated, brainwashed child. We all know that. But that guilt still sits heavy, and it was a lot more than understanding that he wasn't capable of doing better in that situation. It was choosing to fix what his circumstances did to him.

It's saying, "I can heal from this." It's saying, "I'm allowed to heal from this." It's saying, "Even though it was more than a decade ago, it's not too late for me to move on."

It's forgiving yourself not just for what you did, but how long it took you to heal.

It's comforting, looking back at Caleb's long, slow journey of healing from what happened to him. I think I just needed to see it in its entirety to fully understand it.