#i don't like being alone anymore i hate it it's starting to become trauma and i cannot escape it and i'm back where i started

[threebea]

I have started to think of the Jedi being blamed for the Fall of the Republic like blaming firefighters for wildfires.

They have been fighting fires (corruption) for years, but the fire is getting bigger and hotter and spreading farther. They're doing their best but there aren't enough of them to go everywhere there are fires. The Senate points them to where really big fires are, but sometimes it turns out they just want their property saved and there weren't that many people in the building. The Jedi still save lives but they have to look at the bigger picture and hope volunteers will put out the little fires because they simply don't have the people for every little fire even though they wish they did. The Senate starts restricting their use of water. Then an arsonist, Palpatine, is made mayor and takes control of their budget.

Dooku and the CIS start lighting fires on purpose. Palpatine let's Dooku know where the most flammable places are.

And the firefighters (Jedi) keep fighting the fire. They can't not fight the fire. People will die if they don't fight the fire. Then the government is like: there are not enough firefighters to fight the fire, but here is a large population of people we will force to fight the fire with you. You shouldn't have qualms, apparently an individual that used to work for you is the one that paid for their training so really they're your responsibility. You'll be in charge of them on the field and get to watch them die, but we control their lives and have decided they're not people so we don't have to pay them. Good deal. We are good at fighting fires.

And the Jedi can't say no because they need to stop the fire and they can't do it alone at this point. Many of the Jedi are killed in their attempts to stop the gasoline fire Dooku lights and it shows how badly they need these new people.

Luckily, the people drafted to fight with them, the clones are also good at fighting fires! It's dangerous many clones will die, but despite having no choice they stand beside the Jedi bravely. The Jedi do everything in their power to protect them. They fight alongside them and try to minimize loss.

There are a few Jedi that get overwhelmed by anger or trauma. They become arsonists themselves, but the number of those that do can be counted on one hand compared to the thousands of Jedi that continue to fight fires.

Sadly, the clones have explosives inside them that Palpatine, the mayor, has the trigger for. Just when it feels like the fire is under control and the people lighting the fires have been stopped, Palpatine sets them off.

Most of the clones are never the same. They think the Jedi had to have set off the bombs inside them, even though they would have never thought them capable of it before. Most never learn the truth. They hate the Jedi for being traitors.

Most of the firefighters die. And their families too. Their children and uncles and aunts and grandparents, and cousins even if they weren't capable of fighting fires they all get burned to death.

The mayor declares it was the firefighters lighting fires and outlaws being a firefighter.

Some of the Jedi survive. Some of them can't bring themselves to fight fires anymore. Some of them keep doing it because it's what they were trained to do. A lot of them are novices who didn't know all the best techniques, but they find their own methods to put out fires and teach others how to do it as well.

And the rebellion begins because when you see fire the logical thing to do is put it out, but all the firefighters are dead or in hiding and being a firefighter is illegal. There's no one to call so the town's people start doing it themselves, inspired by the Jedi.

This becomes extremely important when the mayor makes a device that can light entire cities on fire at the push of a button.

Anyway that's my metaphor and maybe explains my point of view when it comes to the Jedi.

[keruimi]

His Definition of Love

Pairing: Akaashi Keiji x reader

Warning: Angst, Trauma, Comfort

Note: Oh how I badly want to hear from someone, the words he uttered. I'm not really a big fan of him but damn, this oneshot made me start liking him. Hope you all enjoy it!

_____________________________

When I was young, the person I loved the most was my father.

A person I would choose over others. A man who was the reason I grew up in a comfortable and loving family in my childhood days.

A father and a husband that anyone would love to have. I vowed to myself that time that I would love the same man that resembles my dad.

Until across the bridge where he used to take me, I found him embracing another woman than my mom.

It was one of the memories that always reminded me that everyone has their own bad sides.

No matter how kind, nice, and loveable my father was, he still broke my mom's heart leading to the downfall of our family who was once envied by many.

I was so young back then that I disregard my mother's heartbreak and keep siding with my father no matter how she keeps begging me to choose her.

I hate how I used to think back then.

Just because I don't want to lose my father.

"Little one" my father called me as the sobs of my mother is the only thing I heard in the house as I tightly clutch on my father's body.

I keep crying especially when he successfully removes me from his legs before he crouches in front of me.

"Little one, please stay with your mom. I don't want to influence your pure heart, dear"

The tears on my father's eyes made it clear to me that day that he was not pure as I saw him.

That he really did something I thought he would never do.

My father suffered because of the complicated emotions he has. He loved my mother but he also liked other women.

So does that make me want to hate him?

Yes, so badly. But I also knew that he is aware of his mistakes, aware of how those complicated feelings that ruined the family he once built.

I caught up with it.

But for the best, he made me stay with my mom in fear that I would take after his footsteps if I did live with him.

He is the man who wanted the best for me.

I saw my father in such a way that I blamed my mother for leaving him just because of one mistake, forgetting all the good things that my father did for us.

But that was the first time that my father made me open my eyes to the reality of the world.

He was guilty, not innocent. He is the cause of our heartbreak, not the victim.

He explained to me that even a nice man like him can become a man I wouldn't want to love me.

He is unfaithful, one of the unforgivable sins that destroys one's marriage.

He was not always perfect, he also fell into temptations.

In other words, he doesn't want me to turn into someone like him.

So I decided to stay with my mom to become someone she can lean on. But I knew how my presence broke my mother, because I greatly reminded her of my father.

I finally understand our family's situation and my father's character the moment I step into junior high.

I can't stay liking one man.

When I like someone, I would start to like someone who I deemed better than him.

And it was scary. That I would be the reason for someone's heartbreak.

I finally understand how complicated feelings are. And my father never found a solution to that problem.

He really loves my mom. But if he did love her, then why would he like another woman?

Yet I can't bear to hate my own dad. Because I went through the same obstacles.

If ever I ask my mom for advice, I know that she will remember my dad again so I didn't bother anymore.

Seeing my mother's situation, I told myself that I would just stay alone for my entire life.

Before history repeats itself.

I rejected many men because I was hell-bent on being single.

I am fine with admiring different men every time I deemed them as someone great.

And that would be no different on Akaashi Keiji.

A calm and composed setter who always seems to control their Ace's movement.

He knows the country's Top 5 Ace like the back of his hand.

He is a gentleman, a one of a kind man.

And a person who reminded me of my father's good side.

I groaned in frustration as I slid down on the wall I lean on after watching Fukurodani's match. The frustration I felt when I couldn't get my eyes off of him.

Deep down, I want a family where I would run to. But if I selfishly did that, it would turn into ruins as I started showing signs of my non existing loyalty.

Like a curse that the memory engraved to my mind.

That's why my secret admiration for him surprisingly lasted for a year.

Even if we just passed by each other, the giddy feeling on my chest never left as I always find my eyes looking for him.

He is really perfect.

That even if I started liking one man, whether I catch a glimpse of him, that admiration would disappear and my heart would be set to him again.

Like a damn cycle.

But with my feelings this way, I don't want to take a risk.

Until we met on the school's rooftop.

The time he first came up to me just to lend his handkerchief when he noticed how my tears seemed to escape from my eyes.

A man who showed his concern to a complete stranger.

How can I be loyal?

That is always the question that keeps repeating on my head like a broken record.

I want to be happy, to be in a relationship, to give the love I keep to myself.

I wanted to express my emotions, but I am afraid that it will be poisonous.

That's the reason why he found me on the rooftop, crying. Because I can't take it anymore.

Those fear of betrayal that I might let others experience, keep holding me back from freely loving someone.

That love that I want to give to the man standing in front of me.

"I'm here"

He uttered the same words that my father used to tell me whether I keep crying.

"I'm scared" An emotion that showed the worst part of me.

"That I can't keep loving the same man forever"

It was the greatest fear that my father felt. And when he tried to go against it, that nightmare happened and he lost everything.

Including my trust in him.

Now I'm having a hard time with the same challenge.

Whether I need to go against it or just keep avoiding it.

"What do you mean by that?" There was not a hint of judging from his voice. He simply asked me to open up for him.

And I desperately clutch to that chance of letting out everything.

He unknowingly became someone I can open up with, without the fear of judgement and simply understanding one's problem.

"I can't stay liking one man"

"And?" He stated that made me finally look at him as we waited for my next words.

"And it scares me..." I trailed off, hesitating on my words until a small smile lifted from his lips.

"That's normal" I felt like my world stopped when he let out those words.

"Infatuation, puppy love, or having a crush is normal in our age. It's not a permanent attachment that you need to get scared of." He continued as he decided to sit in front of me so it was easier to continue the conversation.

"Like and love are two different concepts but has an oddly similar meaning" he continues as he moves two of his fingers.

"Liking is when you feel happy with them, watching them, admiring them but it was simply a temporary emotion that is a shallow version of the word Love. Liking someone because he has something you love is its definition"

"But if we're talking about love, it's a more powerful emotion like hate. Love is when you stay with the person you like no matter how much the world wants you to separate. Loving someone is when you accept their flaws and shortcomings. When you understand how they act. When you are there on their lowest like you were with them at their highest moments" his smile never left his lips and I felt like my chest lightened up a little.

"Love is not always about happiness, it will always be tested by challenges." He leaned down for our eyes to meet and I felt him softly gaze on my own ones.

"I don't know what you went through to think that way. But life is always about developing one's self. You might look down on yourself right now and get scared, but one day, you will need to face it. Challenges would never stop coming, but you will know who truly loves you when they join you with it" he removed the strands of my hair that was on my face as he tucked it behind my ear.

"You can't be happy without healing yourself"

Those words gave me the strength to finally face my father.

The man who I once look up to. But the one who is also the root of all my fears.

"This is the first time you finally faced me after all these years" he spoke up first before he faced the sunset in front of us.

"Dad" I called out as I saw how he fisted his hands but he kept his eyes in front.

"I don't deserve to be your father" he muttered as I felt my eyes turn glossy.

"What is love for you?" I whispered, ignoring his previous worrds. Because he was still the father who love me and my mother.

"I never found the real definition of that word. I only know that when I really felt the unexplainable happiness with that one person" he replied with a shaky breath.

I know how it was difficult to face me.

One of the people who really love him, and can hate him.

"Did dad love mom?"

We were silent before he finally spoke the words I badly need to hear.

"I love your mom so much. But I didn't manage to protect the relationship we both have" he finally chose to face me as I saw a small smile adorned his lips yet his eyes portrayed a different feeling.

"My insecurities clouded my mind that I didn't manage to think of the consequences. The fear that I keep following me finally catch up to me" he manage to let out.

"My daughter might be asking herself that if I indeed love your mother, why would I seek comfort on another woman, right?" A tear finally slid on his cheeks.

"The fear that your mother would get tired on the way I think, made me seek comfort on another woman. But it was a wrong move of mine, Y/n. I badly regret underestimating your Mom's love for me" he sighed out as he blink his tears away so he won't broke down on me.

"I cheated, and it was a choice, not a mistake"

"I don't want to cause you trauma, but it seems like I already did, didn't I?"

I felt the tears that gather on my eyes finally slid down from cheeks as he wipe his own ones.

"I'm sorry Y/n, I really am" I wiped my own tears as I took a deep breath.

"I hate myself for hurting both of you" he sobbed out.

And without any other words, I wrapped my arms around him, the things that he always done to me.

I badly wanted to heal...

And I knew I need to start with my family.

And if we finally manage, maybe...

I would start to look at myself differently.

Like what he told me.

"Keiji!" I cheered from the bleachers as his team managed to win in the semi-finals.

The happiness I felt was indescribable as the man looked up and gave me a smile before taking a bow as a thank you for cheering for them.

I will start healing, and I knew I wanted him to be with me throughout all the way.

And he didn't mind.

The first person I became friends with before that gratefulness turned into an admiration.

A man, even with a different personality and interest, he chose to become someone in my life.

He started as my friend before he became a man I started to love.

The person who never made me feel fear, a man who first lent a shoulder for me to lean on. The first person who made me look at myself differently than what I used to.

The person who understands my problems better and manages to comfort me with the words I wouldn't question myself for.

A guy who made me feel like I was not the person who I think I was.

The person I knew I would want to spend my life with. The man I would grow with, learn from, and love until my last breath.

Right now, I'm clearly aware of how different my thoughts were when I like someone, rather than the way I think when I start to love someone.

I really did start loving Akaashi Keiji.

And this time I am sure that it was really...

The emotion called Love

[doevademe]

What do you think of Annabeth as a character ? Letting aside the fact that she's the protagonist's love interest I mean. And what would have been more interesting to do with her?

Oof, this is a hard question because... I love Annabeth, but not in the way the PJO fandom loves her. Most people think she's a great female character, strong and brave and even a feminist icon (which, lol). Me? I just want to study her under a microscope.

I think she's plenty interesting as she is, but the narrative just needs to lean in on her flaws that are already on the text and really explore them, even if that makes her not suitable as Percy's love interest anymore.

Because Annabeth is so messed up, and it's all so consistent with who she is as a character, but I don't believe that was the intention when writing her.

Like, looking at her backstory and how she acts (like she knows everyone and everything best, like she can't do no wrong, how she treats people as being beneath her, even when she loves them) paints a very consistent picture of a damaged young woman with very bad coping mechanisms.

Annabeth has abandonment issues, and that's why she's a strategist. She needs to plan ahead of everything, control every variable, keep tabs on every minutiae, and that checks with her backstory of feeling left out by her father's new family, of losing Thalia, of losing Luke to Kronos, of her estrangement to Athena. She believes that if she's in control, people won't leave her.

This need for control extends to her relationships. We see how she strong-arms Percy into being what she wants. She punches him for not getting that she wants to dance with him, she insults his intelligence so she can be "the smart one", she judo flips him when he leaves, even if it's not by his own choice, because him leaving is her worst nightmare thanks to her trauma. She becomes codependent once they start dating.

We see how every girl who could take away Percy is a potential enemy for that reason. This tracks with how she might blame her step-mother from taking her father away. She hates on Rachel, she thinks Reyna and Hazel may be after Percy. She's a bit of a misogynist because she's that afraid another girl will come and take her relationships away from her.

She also idolizes Chiron and Athena. Chiron was a parental figure to her, one that never left, but Athena... she wasn't present, and Annabeth desperately copes by thinking she must have had a reason, that in her perfection (a perfection reflected in her) she knew she could be great, she just needs to prove herself.

Her fatal flaw is hubris, but that hubris presents itself as a deep insecurity over not being the best, and a fear of being left alone, and that's very interesting. Honestly, if she was real, I would stay miles away from her, because on top of all that, she doesn't want to be fixed, she doesn't think she needs fixing. But in the realm of fiction that makes for a fascinating, layered character. I wish her flaws were actually explored, acknowledged, and eventually overcome rather than just swept under the rug so she could be the Smart Love Interest to Percy, because honestly? Both of them deserve better.

[helga-grinduil]

People are being drama queens over nothing like why is everyone pretending this twist ruined tomura's character when this shit was foreshadowed and it's so obvious?

Also since tomura mentioned before the league not having a healer maybe he'll unlock reconstruction; heal deku and the villains since everyone in fucked up condition.

I talked so much about this on twitter I think I will throw up if I have to explain what you just said to other people. Some are saying that it 'absolves' hero society from it's issues (it doesn't, no one still helped Tenko because they believed that heroes are the ones who should be, well, heroes), some are saying that it ruins the fact that Tenko was 'born wrong' and was rejected by the world for something he couldn't control when it NEVER WAS the point of his backstory. AFO convincing Kotarou to have Tenko doesn't change anything about society's faults nor about the abuse Tenko experienced at home.

And the fact that AFO already knew who Tenko was when he met him was there since day fucking one - he literally addressed by his FULL NAME and knew exactly what happened to him! Even if someone did help Tenko, AFO would've kept stalking him, probably 'causing some shit to try and snatch Tenko anyway. Because that's WHAT HE DOES.

Tenko was neither rejected for having no quirk nor for having Decay. Kotarou would've rejected his desire to be a hero anyway, because that rejection was due to his trauma (which was, ding-ding, caused by Nana trying to save Kotarou from AFO in the first place!!!! AFO was the cause from the start!). He would've hated the idea of Tenko becoming a hero whether Tenko had a quirk or not. The idea that Decay was the reason Tenko was ignored was what AFO made him to believe, it was never true in Tenko's case. The ONLY societal issue that ever truly mattered when it came to Tomura was the fact that hero society made people complacent and distanced from reality.

People just... latched onto the wrong ideas when it came to Tomura and what made him a good character for the sake of seeing him as more 'relatable'.

And I saw some people say that AFO being behind Tomura's backstory makes Tomura into a 'perfect victim' when his appeal was that he's not, that his destructive tendecies are a bad coping mechanism and that made him relatable, but now it turns out that AFO just made him think he wants to destroy, so it's not Tomura's own coping mechanism anymore... which is completely wrong. TOMURA IS A MURDERER. He automatically isn't a 'perfect victim'. None of the villains are. Destruction (and self-destruction) IS Tomura's coping mechanism. It BECAME one, it wasn't one from the start. Sure, AFO was the one who made him think he wants to destroy, but that was always the case. Tenko didn't want to kill people on his own. But AFO also didn't make Tomura want to destroy everything either. Or feel relief when he was destroying stuff. This was Tomura, and Tomura alone.

Destroying brought him the sense of catharsis, because it reaffirmed Tomura's beliefs about himself (the beliefs that were created by AFO, which was, again, always the case, and a lot of people talked about it for years prior to these chapters). That when he destroys, at least he's being himself. «Everyone will keep rejecting me anyway even if I try not to be a bad kid, but if I'll embrace my real self and do what I want to do (I don't) at least I'll be accepted by someone». He followed AFO's words and killed those two hooligans for the unsaid promise of being accepted - something that he craved the most. Destruction is still his unhealthy coping mechanism - he destroys stuff -> feels good because he feels reassured in his purpose and his views -> it passes, he feels sick, angry, empty and depressed -> he is in need of some catharsis -> rinse and repeat.

[md-confessions]

sort of in response to that one ask about doll not being 'uzi if she never met n.'

both her and uzi were changed through grief and disconnect from their peers even if it showed in different ways. both of them have themes of loneliness & both of them have an intense festering hatred that fuels their motivations.

the difference between them is that through the connections that uzi formed after being forced into a situation where she had to open up, she deterred herself from the path she was slowly going down.

like her quote en quote villain arc was stopped before it started because of the connection she formed with N but doll never had that.

doll refused to form connections despite the chances she was given because it happened too late. her anger festered for so long that she wasn't able to make a comeback. her hubris was her downfall. she became the very thing she sought to destroy.

the point of promening and her 'hypocritical murder plan' was that she was so blinded by her anger and hatred, she didn't really think too far about the logics of her plan; she probably fantasized killing v and then took the first chance she could to actually do it.

she has some kind of tunnel vision, focusing on her goals until she's gotten them; no matter the cost, no matter who or what she has to get through. (another similarity between her and uzi, imo.)

Uzi basically stated "hey we should stop fighting cause there's bigger shit at play and we can deal with it better if we team up" and Doll responded with "No I can do this on my own also die"

sort of. imagine you spend years upon years seething and imagining ways you're going to kill this sky demon that killed your parents in front of you and lead to the activation of a virus that has plagued you for years since that point. you have to actively kill and eat people from a young age & you are alone in your struggles; presumably the singular person who is aware of them finds your trauma humorous to an extent, and even if she sticks by your side, you feel like she doesn't really get it. i reiterate; you are alone in your struggles.

one day, you finally get your chance. you fantasize this moment for years, to the point where it becomes the only plausible solution to your problems. you don't plan it out thoroughly, because you know the universe will deal its hand correctly and allow you catharsis after years of festering that hatred. it finally happens. you have her in your sights, you have her pinned, she knows who you are now and you're about to kill her, to inflict all the pain on her you have wanted to for years; no matter who may have gotten in your way, you will have this, it's all you want, its all you HAVE wanted.

and then someone stops you. she tells you some things that if you were in a clearer mind, you would have thought deeper about, but you're so fucking angry right now and you want her to get out of the way. you don't listen.

you fight. you lose. you come back.

she has the same virus as you. you're not alone anymore. and that's when the conflicting feelings start. but despite that start, they never quite come to any meaningful conclusion because you have more important things to do. perhaps she inspired you a little to understand that the fate of the planet is more important than your fantasy for revenge, but you're so set in your ways you can't quite admit it yet. and again; when you get that chance again, to enact revenge, you take it.

and in the end, it ruined her & she died. she died as she lived; alone.

essentially, 'doll is uzi if she never met n' doesn't mean that exactly; it means doll is uzi if she never formed meaningful connections. the friends she had in school don't count in my eyes. literally the very first proper interaction we see between her and lizzy is lizzy playing doll's traumatic experience off as a joke. no hate towards lizzy also just to specify i love them as friends i just don't think it is on the same level of healthy as n and uzis friendship is?

okay.. i can't add any more to this it's so fucking long also it's 1 am GOODNIGHT i hope this doesn't look weird or aggressive

.

[autumn-foxfire]

Movie 13! One of my favourite movies of the series! Definitely one of my favourite starts to a movie.

I mean, it has Shinichi having a trauma induced nightmare over being found by the Black Organization, sadly something we don't see often in canon.

However this also addresses something that canon does not like too which is that Shinichi is not keeping Ran safe by hiding his identity from her. Just by living with her and Kogoro, he is putting them in danger if he is ever found out because as everyone who is associated with BO have told him, they will get rid of EVERYONE associated to his new and old identity. They almost killed Kogoro and Shinichi just to make sure he wasn't close to finding them out before. All keeping Ran in the dark does is put her in more danger. If only he would trust her, we would get more awesome scenes like the one we get to see in this movie where Ran fights on par with one of the members.

I know not to question it because the answer is anime logic but really how do those suspenders work T-T

I do appreciate all these detectives wondering where Conan is, you know they were all willing to let him inside the conference room. I love the imagery, all these cops paying a lot of attention to the seven year old in the room.

I genuinely hate how they hide information from Haibara. I don't even know why when her insider knowledge of the BO would be incredibly useful for Shinichi. Haibara has already said she doesn't want to run away anymore so she'll be willing to help while still be cautious about it, something Shinichi forgets when he's chasing them.

And this is why Shinichi needs to be more careful about becoming himself again, because a slip-up like what happened with Takagi could happen again. I know the boy has a flare for the dramatics but he should just join a drama club instead of putting his, and everyone elses, lives in danger.

I wonder why Shinichi picked a dolphin to make.

I love Shinichi's casual conversations with Vermouth. He knows she won't hurt him and will give him information for her own amusement.

The bait and switch of believing Takagi and Sato were about to be shot :p I like it.

Sato is putting herself in danger, noticing too much~

Yes, shout at the stupid boy, Ai. He needs to be taught that it's not just his life that he's risking.

And it's the consequences of Shinichi's actions coming to bite him on the ass.

Ran: I am concerned about you.

Shinichi: Leave me alone.

Romance~

Kazuha just nearly killed Heiji.

Oh, here is some more amazing romance from Detective Conan.

Kazuha: Do you want to go to a festival together?

Heiji: Shut up, I'm on the phone to Kudou.

True love~

Aww, Heiji immediately asking Shinichi to go to restaurants with him as he notices something wrong with his behaviour as I way to tell Shinichi to live T-T I love their friendship.

I swear to god they get the same people to voice the children in these movies everytime.

This BO member knocked out an entire police squad and Ran goes head to head with him. She. Should. Know. I feel very vindicated to write that small drabble for my besties series.

Time for the fun to start~

Ran: My little brother is in danger!

Go queen.

This is why his tranquilizer needs to more than one dart.

Movie Ran is the best version of Ran. This is the only time we get to see her like this.

Sorry Makoto, Ran dodging a bullet was so much cooler than when you did it. Her opponent is actually dangerous.

This was so great of her. She only lost because she got scared by his face being ripped off for a moment and he took advantage of it.

Shinichi and his ability to win over criminals.

Isn't it good for Shinichi criminals have bad aim. Well, they're using a machine gun so that's also why.

And this is Shinichi's most insane plan so far (he tops it in Singapour). He actually takes down a helicopter and scares Gin. Imagine Gin's reaction when he learns it was a teenager in a child's body that did that too.

If only Shinichi could have framed that and sent it to Akai. He would be so proud of Shinichi.

[askbensolo]

She finds my hair so fascinating, when to me it's so ordinary. She likes to weave her fingers through the strands and twirl my curls around and braid it when I'm not paying attention. And sometimes she just comes up behind me and starts scratching my head with her fingertips, and I don't know what it is, but I freaking melt, like an ice cream sundae left outside in the sun. Like...that must be what sex feels like. Seriously. If sex isn’t as good as, or better, than head scritches…well, then that is such a ripoff and I will be speaking to the manager about that.

And if it is…then, uh…well…heh.

But…maybe I shouldn’t speak too soon.

She did it last night—the head-scratching thing—and it started out fine. (By “fine” I mean, it felt so good I would have committed murder for that girl.) But then…for some reason…it brought back this memory of me, lying in the dark with Snoke, my head on his lap, while he stroked my hair and whispered to me, and suddenly…it all felt wrong. I felt something like a rock sink to the bottom of my gut, and I went all stiff, and her touch was driving me crazy (in a bad way this time) but I didn't know what to do... I tried to make the good feelings come back, but they wouldn't anymore. And I felt like something bad would happen if I told her to stop.

It's not her fault. She didn't know. I mean, she wouldn't know. Not unless I told her, which I couldn't, because I felt trapped. Trapped and forced to sit there and let myself be touched. I felt myself start to drift away from my body, like I used to do when Snoke would inspect my thoughts—

And I couldn't believe it, how something that had felt so crazy good before now felt so horrible, like being tortured, like my insides were filling up with poison that I had no way to excise, like I was watching myself be eaten alive—I was literally starting to break out in a sweat, moisture prickling through my pores—

And I tried to tell myself, Chill, you idiot, it's just Fannie. You know, that girl you like? She's not the one who hurt you. She likes you. She's flirting. It's supposed to be cute. It's supposed to be hot. It's supposed to feel good. It felt good before. But typical Ben—that bantha-brain never kriffing listens.

Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore because I was honestly perceiving a non-negligible chance that I might become violently ill so I just stood up abruptly and gave her an awkward little hug and pretended I had business to attend to in the bathroom, but really I just sat on the edge of the tub for a while and white-knuckled the fiberglass and tried to wait out my nausea. And it was so awful; even though I was finally safe and all alone I could still feel fingers combing through my hair—and I didn’t know whose fingers I was imagining them to be.

And I thought, wow, cool, now here's a preview of my life probably, if I choose to go down this path of letting someone in, I guess. Cool cool cool. Am I gonna have to go back to therapy for this? For sex stuff? And that wasn’t even anything—she was just playing with my hair. How much worse would it be for me if we were—you know? I’ve been in therapy before, for depression, and anxiety, but—for sex? Ew. Embarrassing. Disgusting. I’d rather die. Stupid me. Hate my life. I should’ve just stayed asexual.

And of all the reasons I have to hate Snoke, and all the things he’s taken from me…I can’t believe that now, after everything he did when I was sixteen and seventeen, years later as a twenty-three-year-old man I also have to say that he took away my ability to enjoy being with a woman I’m attracted to. I didn’t even think I could be attracted to anyone for so long, and now I am—will wonders never cease?—except oh wait—surprise trauma, I can’t kriffing stand to be touched, even by someone I like more than anyone. And maybe that’s worse than not liking anyone at all. Because now it’s not just an aversion, it’s kind of a longing and an aversion at the same time, the good and bad feelings all mixed together, the really really good and the really really bad all at once, which is its own special little psychosomatic torture, and I almost wish the box had stayed closed and I’d never learned I could feel things so so good and so so bad—and that’s not even getting into how it makes me feel like I’m not a man, to be so scared of something I’m supposed to want—to not be able to respond to her the way I’m supposed to—and ARGHH I hate myself I HATE myself I HATE myself UGHHHH

[ambriel-angstwitch]

Driver’s Seat through the lens of Jason Todd

He didn't mean to scream Then what does he mean?

Bruce is not the best at emotional regulation. So when he's scared he often lashes out and seems angry. His fear of losing his kids often pushes them away

I'm not who he thinks I am

Jason as the second robin probably often compared himself to Dick. He’s not Dick. He can’t be him. He’s afraid that when Bruce looks at him he’s looking for Dick.

Trapped in his anger, one way road Familiar blood I hold alone. I won't be who he is

The thing is that all these lines can apply to both his bio father and Bruce. Bruce has anger which Jason shares some of. But then there’s also the familiar blood that only Jason holds, his bio father was a criminal whose anger he perhaps also inherited and holds anger towards for leaving him and his mom alone. After his death Jason doesn’t wish to be either of them. He can’t be Batman, and doesn’t believe completely in the way he goes about things, and he never wanted to be Willis.

(The apple's falling from the The apple's falling from the tree)

The drift between him and Bruce grows wider

But he's in the driver's The check engine light is blinking brighter And I wasn't raised to be a fighter But it only takes a spark to blow

Jason just like anybody else wasn’t born a fighter. Though it doesn’t take much to change that. He had to become a fighter and thief in order to survive the streets of Gotham. It is interesting though because after that he is literally raised to be a fighter

(I won't be who he is) And I wasn't taught to tame the driver Just how to delay the raging fire

Jason wasn’t really taught how to stop anything. He doesn’t know how to stop Bruce from being anything. Jason is a reactor, he tries to stop the bad things (the fire) once they're already there, delay it. He doesn’t know how to stop them from coming.

That turn signal's ticking, ticking Ticking (I will be who he is), ticking 'til

Jason’s had many turning points in his life. I will be who he is contradict the previous I won’t be who he is. This could refer to Bruce once he chooses to become Robin or once he decides to start working with the Batfam again as Red Hood. Or it could refer to the fear that he’s just like his Bio dad once he becomes Red Hood

He's in the driver's seat x2

Bruce is the one in control he always has been. Jason’s life has been defined by his relationship to Batman.

I am his rage Inherit the engine and leak, no mistake

Jason inherited a lot of the worst pieces of Bruce. He inherited his rage. His fighter instinct.

I am the warning. The blaring that won't let you sleep in peace

Jason’s death affected Bruce deeply. Jason sees himself as the warning of the danger of letting Joker live. Bruce doesn’t change in the way Jason wanted.But Jason’s death still haunts his nights

I am his only The little fist bruising the wheel and switching seats

Jason sometimes worries if he’s the only mistake. If he sullied the goodness of robin. He is Bruce’s little fist, he copied his violence and took on his own mask, just like Bruce.

I'm biting my own tongue I am my father's lost son

Jason is self destructive. He hurts himself with what he does even if he intends to hurt Bruce with the words he says. He is his father’s lost son. His dad watched him die and even now that he’s back. He’s not his little boy anymore, he’s fundamentally changed and he’s not really Bruce’s anymore.

The next lyrical part is really confusing to written down but all three verses overlap eachother and it’s wonderful. It emphasizes the confusion and panic of the singer, and Jason. Jason doesn’t really hate Bruce. He hate what’s happened, that his death didn’t seem to change anything. He’s too much of Bruce and not him at all all at once

I didn't mean to scream Don't know what I mean I'm not who you think I-

Jason didn’t mean to become as violent as he is. The pit affected him and so did the Trauma. He was a child soldier who died. He can’t come away from that easily. He’s not who Bruce thinks he is and this time it doesn’t mean that he’s not Dick. It means that Bruce doesn’t really know him anymore

[the-lark-ascending69]

You mentioned that you love fics where Robin gets Vecna’d (relatable as fuck lol) and holy hell she would have been #1 on Vecna’s list if she hadn’t found Steve’s love and friendship and support in season 3. This of course made me think of an au where Robin does get Vecna’d in season 4 because somehow she and Steve never become friends, and she’s still stuck in that self-loathing, lonely place. Maybe she somehow doesn’t get involved with the Upside Down in season 3, which would be hard to make work with how essential to the plot she was.

Of course there is the terrible, horrible, heartbreaking option of Robin getting involved and everything going the same, except in this terrible horrible universe, Steve dies. Maybe they’re both under Starcourt in the Russian base, and Steve’s beat to hell and tied to Robin’s back and she feels his breathing get slower and slower until it’s just gone. Dustin and Erica save her, but it’s awful because Robin can’t save the closest person she’s had to a friend in so long after all he did to protect her and they’re forced to leave his body there, cold and alone in enemy territory. Or it happens after they get out, after Robin tells him her deepest secret and he still loves her, differently than he did before, but just as much. Robin would be so happy to finally have someone who knows her fully and loves her for it, only to have it ripped away when the Flesh Flayer makes one wrong swipe that catches Steve in just the wrong way, or even after the battle, when they all think they’re safe and it’s finally over until Steve collapses from an internal injury that nobody had caught.

I really can’t decide which possibility would be worse, Robin mourning the boy who somehow became her best friend before he ever truly knew her, thinking that if Steve had known her fully, he would’ve hated her anyways (Robin’s wrong about this of course) or Robin’s devastation over the first person to love and accept her for who she is being ripped away from her so violently and so soon.

Either way she would be a perfect target for Vecna 8 months later, when she’s dealing with not just the same loneliness and self-loathing from before, but also the guilt of not being able to protect her best friend and the feeling that it should’ve been her why couldn’t it have been her instead and of course the trauma of the entire almost-week of fighting Russians and monsters.

Anyways sorry for rambling and dumping this all in your ask box lol 😅

No no don't apologize for the rambling you're so real thank you for dumping this all in my ask box 😭😭 waking up to this is the perfect way to start my day

I LOVE both options, but the first one is especially heart-wrenching because we know Vecna specifically preys on guilt and self-loathing, and maybe I've been a little too obsessed with the Rebel Robin Podcast but hearing little 15yo Robin say the universe is telling her she's not supposed to have friends, that she always needs to "camouflage" to survive, that there's something wrong with her, that she's rotten inside (it sheds a whole new light on "i feel like my life has been one big error") has me thinking about Robin being a bit confused, a bit worried but also a bit excited hearing Steve say he should have been hanging out with her a long time ago, even though he probably means it in a way she doesn't fully like, but also maybe not, and maybe after all of this they could be friends! And maybe she won't be alone anymore. Maybe one day she could even tell him her secret.

But then he's beaten so badly. He receives some really bad blows in the head, and she can tell he's taunting the guards whenever they speak to her, drawing their attention back to him, telling them she doesn't know anything, letting them hurt him so they won't hurt her and maybe they believe him, so when Robin tries to talk and starts rambling and saying a bunch of nonsense, because she's too nervous and scared to say anything coherent, they gag her and now she can do nothing but scream and cry into the gag as they continue to beat him while he's tied up behind her, feeling the impact on her chair and on her back.

He's still concious when they leave. He's speaking to her, saying he wishes he'd known her earlier and all Robin can think is no, no, no you don't. And she tries to speak but it only makes her feel like she's choking on the gag, and then his speech starts slurring, and she freaks out because she read about this. He's having a brain bleed. Next, he'll be paralized in one side of his body, next he's having seizures that shake both chairs and has Robin sobbing as she tries to cry out his name. By the time it stops, he won't respond to her, and his breathing slowly comes to a stop, body sagging in its bindings.

Robin stays tied to his corpse for hours and hours, feeling the warmth leave his body, the horrible smell, not daring to turn around to see him. She almost had a friend and he died to protect her. He died because of her. She killed him. If only she'd said something smarter - if only she hadn't freaked out - if maybe she'd thought or something to make the soldiers leave them alone, if she could tell a good lie, if she could defend him the way he defended her, he'd still be alive.

The soldiers come back to rip the gag out of her mouth, now wet and disgusting, and as she sobs and tries to tell them Steve needs help, they inject her with drugs and leave her alone for them to take effect. And now she's laughing hysterically and talking to Steve as if he were still there. She's sobbing, heaving, giggling all at the same time. She feels like she's losing her sanity. She tells them everything when the guards come back, and keeps laughing when Dustin and Erica save her. She laughs when she tells them Steve is dead. This is probably the most traumatic moment in the kids' life, but Dustin manages to keep a level head and not break down until they're safe, and he decides to leave Steve's body there so they can save Robin (if Robin had died instead they could have saved Steve). She's almost catatonic by the time they leave her in the movie theater, giggling under her breath whenever she remembers Steve. Then she goes to the bathroom to thrown up, and with the drugs mostly out of her system, she completely breaks down. This is all her fault. She really, really just... ruins everything.

She's half there, half gone until the end of the battle of starcourt, uselessly following Dustin around. She barely responds to the paramedics when they talk to her (when they perform drug tests on her in the hospital, they think she's a junkie), but Dustin stays by her side as much as he can, both comforting her and seeking comfort.

They take everyone to the hospital in different ambulances, so Dustin leaves at one point. She's one of the last ones to leave, because the police wants to question her on Steve's death. The official story was that he died from asphyxia during the fire, and she was the last one who saw him alive. It's the best lie she can come up with, and she feels so gross telling it.

When she's about to be taken to the hospital, to her surprise, Nancy Wheeler comes to check on her, with black tears running down her face, but with a strong posture and a clear voice when she tells Robin she heard she was the last one to see Steve. She thanks her. She thanks her, even though Robin was the one to kill him. She wants to know if she's hurt and if she needs anything, and tells her she's there if she needs anything.

Then at the hospital, after her parents come to see her, freaking out and holding her so tight she can barely breathe, Steve's parents visit. They're barely holding back tears when they thank her for not letting their son die alone, and tell her they'll be there for anything she needs, and Robin has never hated herself as much as she did then. She hates that Dustin and his friends come see her. She hates that Dustin's fucking mom thanks her. Everything is fucking thanking her as if she did something good or brave when all she did was let the one person who could have maybe loved her die. She hates that during the course of the next 8 months, Dustin takes her with him on dinners with the Harringtons as if she were Steve's fucking girlfriend. She hates that he shows up to her house after seeing her looking sad at school to ask how she's doing. She hates that Nancy Wheeler does the same, and hates it when her parents invite her for dinner because she's "another one of Steve's friends". She hates that even 11 year old Erica comes check on her during school lunch if she hears she had another panic attack. She hates it all. She hates herself. She hates that they don't hate her. She hates the nightmares and the flashbasks and the fact she can't talk to anyone about what truly happened. She could talk to Nancy, she guesses, but then Nancy will look at her with sympathy instead of disgust and Robin doesn't think she could take that.

She takes up a job at Family Video. She sees these people who suddenly care for her for all the wrong reasons a few times a week, when they come rent their nerdy movies. She has no one but Keith to talk to, and he isn't great company. At one point Dustin and Max show up asking her to lend them phones and help them find some dude with dubious links to some Eddie boy and then she gets inevitably dragged along into their new quest, fully aware that it should be Steve instead of her.

She doesn't tell them when she sees a clock in the woods, and Steve Harrington stands in front of her, half of his body paralized, nose bleeding, asking why she left him there. Telling her she'd been right all along: there was something rotten inside of her.

[qat-fort]

The Tale Of Brainpulp, the Defender and Madman of Stinkfinger

So, I've been working on a volcano fort called Stinkfinger, and a dwarf named Sazir has been the most interesting dwarf there with 0 doubt in my mind. I don't have any images of when he originally migrated to Stinkfinger, but here's what he looks like now:

He migrated to Stinkfinger in the year 102, where he was immediately drafted into the army, which at the time was only 3 dwarves. He excelled at this, and before he even became a Expert Macedwarf, he managed to single handedly stop a goblin attack, almost entirely by himself.

I decided that he deserved to become leader of the militia after this. Granted, it was a very small raid (only 4 or 5 goblins), but considering that my other 2 mace dwarves didn't even contribute in the battle, I figured it was a fair promotion. He served me well as Stinkfinger grew, until a goblin raid in the year 103 had resulted in him having motor and sensory nerve damage so severe he could no longer walk, not even with a crutch. I didn't want to take him off the now royal guard because he was technically one of my most knowledgeable dwarves, so I had to settle with demoting him. He couldn't walk and had to crawl around on the ground, but he could at least pass on what he knew about the art of the mace to new recruits. Understandably, this major injury was upsetting to him.

Despite this, he still worked and trained hard, and actually became a Grandmaster Macedwarf, which was his dream! (sort of)

After he achieved his dream, he became sort of lost and didn't know what he wanted to do with his life. This plus the already large mental toll of his injuries, and the trauma that came with those injuries, overwhelmed him, and he started to show signs of madness by the year 107. He'd crawl around the halls, babbling nonsense. At this point I knew I had to do something, so I I checked his needs and his top need was that he wanted to make something. So I decided that I'd make a room just for him to make some rock crafts as a pass time. It seemed to of worked, somewhat, and after getting a few more Grandmaster mace dwarves, i figured it was for the best for him to retire. I ordered him to return his gear in the and to live a life of making rock figures so he could artistically work through his trauma.

Sazir thought this was a stupid idea, and expressed this by throwing a tantrum and giving a bard a DIY LOBOTOMY WITH HIS FUCKING FIST.

Despite committing this crime in broad daylight, no civilians reported this crime to the royal guard. Why? I have no clue. If I had to guess they didn't want Sazir to come for them next for snitching. I was upset by this, but since nobody reported him, I couldn't have him convicted. I could of done some cheesing to get him unofficially jailed, but I wanted to see how this would play out. I donned the nickname of "Brainpulp" to Sazir. Now a season or so later, Brainpulp did strike again, killing the exact same way he had before. This time however, someone reported it. Just as I was about to have him arrested however:

The largest goblin siege we've ever had came upon us. After deliberating, I decided it was fate that they had arrived when they did. Sazir could die doing the same thing that had made him so important; defending Stinkfinger. The goblins wanted to have parley, so they didn't mind waiting for Sazir to crawl around the fort to gather up his old equipment. I stationed him across from the goblin horde, alone. He would go down in a blaze of glory, gore, and goblins.

I thought that would be the end for Sazir Brainpulp, but he did the last thing i expected.

He ran.

He had literally nothing left to live for.

He had achieved his dreams, watched Stinkfinger grow from being a hole in the ground to the capital of our dwarven civilization, and had trained a fine royal guard. I figured the reason he had become so angry and hateful was because he was succumbing to the madness of having no real purpose anymore. I thought he knew that his stone crafts were simply a thing i told him to do as a way to distract him from that fact. I thought he was killing people because he was tricking himself into believing those dwarves were a threat to our home, much like the original siege goblins he had fought years prior to now. So I decided to give him one last final purpose and that was to sacrifice himself for the glory of our fortress.

I thought this was what he wanted.

I was wrong.

He crawled all the way back up the mountain to the entrance to Stinkfinger, and despite having clear orders to attack those goblins, he crawled deep into the fort, as far away as he could from the goblins marching upon us.

Fortunately, with our trained royal guard of macedwarves, we made quick work of this attack, despite it being the largest yet. When the last goblin had fallen, I checked to see where Sazir was, and he was sleeping in his room. Hiding from a honorable death.

He didn't want to retire and live out his days making stone crafts, and he didn't want to sacrifice himself in battle for our fort. So I'm not sure what he wanted. But whatever it was I couldn't provide it to him. The only thing I provided was a conviction. I convicted him for the murder of the dwarf he had killed earlier, and i ALSO convicted him of a artifact that someone else had stolen. There was no way we would ever catch the person who had done that particular crime, it was a cold case, so I figured that would be a substitute for the crime that is his cowardice.

So now lets fast forward to now, year 108. Brainpulp, now known as the local mad man, is still in his cell. You can usually hear him babbling if you happen to walk past near the doorway to the dungeon. At some point, in a fit of rage, he ripped all his clothes off and is now completely naked. His days are a cycle of insanity, brief gratuity when the poor carpenter Zuglar comes to gives him some water, then spiraling back into insanity.

Aside from Zuglar the only person he even remembers anymore is Rakust, one of his old students. Even that memory is hazy though, Sazir doesn't even remember what he looks like. The only other person Sazir claims to know aside from those two dwarves is god.

The once proud macedwarf is a hollow shell of what he once was, deteriorating after after being in confinement for so long. His prior injuries have become infected, no doubt after the poor bastard tore out his stiches.

His voice is raspy and hoarse after screaming about repentance for days on end, and his eyes have sunken into their sockets after months of guilt.

Despite his crimes and cowardice, I was starting to feel remorse for Sazir. Sazir as this fellow dwarves knew him had died in that cell ages ago, leaving behind something that could only be described as feral. I decided to see when his sentence was up, surely it would be soon, right? It had almost been a year, a i've never seen dwarve be jailed much longer than a year even for the harshest of crimes.

I checked his convition sheet and was stunned to see this:

Legally, he should of been let out ages ago most likely. Nobody has done it though. I guess the dwarves of Stinkfinger have come to fear Brainpulp, and have decided that he wouldn't be safe to release. I can't say I disagree with that.

Normally this is where his story ends, however when I built my dungeon, I built it in a very special way. I built it above a pool of magma, with levers hooked up to the grates outside of the cells. If for some reason i desired, I could pull the lever to a specific cell and have the convict in that cell killed instantly in the burning magma.

I could put him out of his misery. I'm not sure if I will yet, because theres the chance that, someday, one of my dwarves will free him, and he can leave Stinkfinger and try to find purpose for his broken life. If something important happens to Sazir, I'll be sure to let you guys know.

Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed this little mini story from my fort. If this proves to be popular I may do more of these.

[yanderes-galore]

Sorry to bother, but i wanted to share some opinions about Self-aware AUs. I think it's a fascinating topic in horror stories due to traumas it may cause to the character who suddenly realizes their world is false, just like their friends, family, even enemies. It's such a drastic realization, bringing the character to an existential crisis, slowly driving them insane.

Every character in any movie, cartoon and game has a set of recorded voicelines they say exactly when they have and repeat once they need to say it again. Knowing that, i think about three scenarios that could happen in an self-aware case:

The one affected is the only one who can think by themselves, and not by a code or script. But this leaves them alone, since whenever they will talk with other people, the only answers are the same, repetitive phrases and movements, no matter what the question was.

(This is a variation of 1) Character A is self-aware and goes to B to explain everything. But, instead of saying what they were programed to say, B stops, frowns and says a simple "What?". Those actions look insignificant, but they are already the start of B's self-awareness. They already broke the code by saying something that shouldn't be there, and soon, they will understand what A means. So one self-aware character consequently would make everyone else also self-aware of their situation.

(This one is the most grotesque and violent. Let's use Sonic for this, since this is an AU, there's no problem changing his personality, right? This could be a continuation of 1) A self-aware character like sonic would become insane eventually. Being forced to live in that limited, small world, hearing the same things every day. Does time even pass? He can't tell when he hears Tails asking his help to gather the Chaos Emeralds by the hundredth time. Why should he care about "saving the world" anymore if the cycle will repeat exactly as it happened before? Nothing he does really matters. This fills the hedgehog with anger, which brings a psychotic desire for anything exciting. When he looks at Tails, the only idea on his mind was killing the fox (like Sonic could even say "kill". His best friend is not real, he was a bunch of codes in a game and he'd come back later, of course. There would be no consequences). The next thing Sonic knows, is that he's brutally punching Tails into a pulp, letting out all his frustrations on his virtual friend, staining his white gloves with Tail's blood. At least now he has something different to do with his "friends".

(Well, those were my ideas. I think i've put more tought on the third one than i expected. Sorry if it looked weird and creepy, or that i hate Tails. I don't, this was just a example of what could happen in a self-aware story, i don't wish to make anyone uncomfortable)

Self-Aware stories are not my favorite to write, but they are fun to read.

I do like your ideas even if they weren't entirely Yandere ^^

That does seem really accurate to how things would go.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

no trigger warnings.

opinions?

I always am scared of lying or being a liar. like idk why or if it's apart of my possible undiagnosed ocd I might have. or if it's bc ive been called a liar my whole life. but I get excessively afraid of lying. like im gonna do it every time I open my mouth. I double check and self reflect on everything I say or post online and make clear distinctions between facts and what I assume. is there a reason or explanation why id be so scared of this? I self reflect a lot bc im terrified im lying to myself about my trauma and im scared im falsely accusing people and I hate it bc I really try to reflect on the memories or situations to see what really happened. I just don't know why it bothers me I try not to obsess anymore I try to calm my mind its hard.

can I ever know if I was abused or the abuser?

Hi anon,

I'm sorry about what you've been going through. It can be exhausting to constantly question yourself or go the extra length to distinguish assumptions you make from objective facts (people blur these lines often and it doesn't make them any less credible). Often, people who feel the way that you do have endured some level of gaslighting to where they are made to feel that they are lying when they aren't, but over time they start to internalize that rhetoric to the point that they become obsessed or constantly preoccupied with telling the truth. Please know that you're not alone in experiencing this. It's something I'm still trying to work through.

It's hard because people say that abusers avoid accountability, which is often true, but that can also create paranoia for survivors who are made to feel that they were the abuser because it prompts them to question if they are avoiding accountability. But I think it's important to remember that abusers typically aren't self-conscious of whether or not they're telling the truth - they don't care. But you do.

If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist could help you process these experiences and develop some healthy coping mechanisms that you can take with you along your healing journey. I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[gregorygerwitz]

Okay, no. You have to tell me about bruises verse mouse/Thomas ward, I am dying.

Yes, of course! I think about my collection of spoiled rich boys (and Matt) a normal amount!

Bruises 'Verse is an AU I developed back in my Marvel/Agents of SHIELD era set after everyone gets out of the Framework? But s5 and the whole time travel/space arc doesn't happen?

As per usual, under a read more because I can't shut up about anything ever

The very short version is that Leo Fitz leaves SHIELD to process all of that trauma, as well as the fact that Radcliffe is his biological father (anyone who followed me in that era knows my URL was holdendadcliffe, it's my favorite theory, I still think about it daily), and in a year moves to the PNW (some smaller town outside of Seattle, far enough from the city that he doesn't have to worry about anything, I was undecided on the details) and becomes a middle school science teacher. There, he also runs into his... they aren't exes, because they never defined their relationship, but they did go on a date before Leo got dragged into joining the field team with Jemma. He's my original character, his name is Matthew Scott, he's a good boy who has a medical degree but decided to give up on that dream and become a librarian, completely coincidentally, in the same small town that Leo ends up in.

I wrote a whole fic about it, but before his death in s3, Grant Ward (I love him, okay? I can and will write essays about him *Jay voice* in fact, I have. many times.) wrote letters for a few people in his life as a sort of... apology? He was really obsessed with the concept of "closure" in early s3, and I leaned into that while writing and developing this little universe. And those letters got left to Thomas, with the instruction to deliver the rest of them. He kind of just mailed off the others because *gestures to SHIELD and how they treated him* but he had to track down Leo because he didn't really leave a contact address with SHIELD and purposefully dropped off the radar because he also wants nothing to do with them.

And when Thomas drops off that letter for Leo, they kind of become friends? Thomas, who was floundering to get his life back after SHIELD disrupted it, who didn't want to go back to working at the bank they found him at because it's not a Safe Place anymore. So, he also moves to that little town, and does the first thing he can think of, which is going through the police academy and having a stable job so that he can hang out with friends (honestly, just Leo and Matt at that point) and pay rent and all that fun adult stuff that everyone hates.

Lately, I've been thinking about a lot of AUs where Mouse finishes his tour with the Army and returns to the States but doesn't go back to Chicago? I have thoughts about him going to Georgia, continuing his connection with the military and using it to get a job doing tech for them. I have thoughts about him going to Los Angeles and becoming a firefighter (the 911 crossover AU is NOT thought through yet don't ask about it for at least another week) or becoming private security or something for rich start up entrepreneurs. Things like that.

It occurred to me, a few months ago, that he could have also relocated to that same small town, and become a teacher (I especially thought about it after rereading @kitthekazoo's Community Garden fic, because teacher!Mouse my beloved) at the same school that Leo teaches at!

I just thought it would be funny if the tech boys with parental trauma and other causes of PTSD became best friends??? And Mouse and Matt would get alone great (tired homosexuals who are kind of over being dragged to the bar every week, because Matt is sober and Mouse is trying to avoid anything that might become a slippery slope for a while until he fully adjusts to being in Not A War Zone), and then... Thomas is kind of his type???

Detective? Complicated relationship with his brother? Pretty eyes?

Mouse is simple and I respect that.

Bonus: Matt and Tommy rolling their eyes when Leo and Mouse start talking about their students and completely forget that their boyfriends are there because they're unhinged little science nerds

I love the concept of smashing my blorbos together in a chaotic AU and seeing what my brain does. In this case, my brain said "boyfriends!" and now Mouse gets to actually date a detective and have friends and a life outside of that little cage he was in for most of his run on CPD, and I get to make him happy!

Fun fact: Tommy is a piece of shit (affectionate) and definitely calls Matt "Mascot" because Leo made the mistake of introducing him as "Matt Scott" and, uh... the joke was too easy he had to make it

[cocrante]

I saw an ex of mine today, I almost didn't recognize him. I want to be kind when speaking about him - in the end, he wasn't a bad person. At least, not completely. We had some wonderful times together, sometimes life felt light and carefree, other times it was a struggle to get through each day. It wasn't easy living together and it wasn't easy leaving because at a certain point I become dependent on that person. I even considered buying the same perfume he wore, just so I could have a piece of him with me when I missed him. But I never did buy it, and it was probably for the best. A few weeks later I left his life, letting our friend tell him that I wouldn't be coming back. I wonder sometimes whether I did the right thing or whether I was just being a coward. There's no excuse for leaving someone without an explanation, let alone my own traumas. I was exhausted. I thought I had found a man who was mature and responsible, but in the end, he turned out to be just another person I had to take care of. He drank almost every night and sometimes smelled of smoke. The only times we were truly happy were during the day, when everything felt normal again. But at night, the laughter would fade away, and the tension would rise. I had suggested he see a therapist, he was depressed and I had just gotten out of an abusive relationship. We could have done it together but he always refused "emotions are for the weak and for women" he always said and after a while my heart couldn't take it anymore. I cried and cried, for days and days. I loved him, and I hated him. But mostly, I was just too tired to go on like that. I wanted stability, but he couldn't offer it. He wanted peace, but I couldn't give it to him. We were a bad match, and we both knew it. He doesn't blame me for leaving him, and I don't blame him for being who he is. He's doing better now. He's aged quite a bit, and life hasn't been easy for him lately. He hasn't become a father yet and I know that this is his biggest desire that I hope he achieves soon. But he's started therapy, and he seems more happy with his life now. I'm truly happy for him. I just wish things could have been different between us. Maybe if we had met at another time, under different circumstances... who knows? But unfortunately, this is the reality we lived and there was no happy ending for us

[xb0rder-7inex]

It literally disgusts me to think of crying over him after all that happened so sitting with the anxiety is my only option and sometimes unbearable. I worry I will fall back into that weakness but I will try my hardest not to let myself. I hate being borderline because I never know if feeling fine is a true recovery or just the cycle.

I'm not thinking about kms anymore and that's a huge improvement because I was suic*dal for six weeks. And I attempted and it failed and I felt the same way for two days afterwards for not being successful and then I just didn't feel that way anymore. I started looking at my life as something to grow into, and putting less focus on what I'm losing. I'm honestly feeling kind of weird about adding him back again after this. I might do it and just not react to him at all and see what he does. I feel like it's just going to be a lot of blocking right now and that he has no intentions of trying to see me. It is a lot of emotional abuse just like the last time.

I think if he ever wants me to love him again he's going to have to try harder. My circumstances are so different this time. I'm doing it all alone and literally have nothing left to lose lmao. Which kind of gives me an upper hand emotionally.

I'm scared but I get to build something that's mine. I really don't think I'll be blocked long but knowing I have bigger things to focus on and a routine to keep me occupied makes it okay anyway.

I'm just going to post here every time I have a feeling instead of wasting my energy splitting on him because it's not worth the reactive abuse.

I like that I'm doing it alone because I'm not being influenced by anything anybody is telling me. It's filtered directly into what he's showing me and I have no idea why he's having a tantrum and trying to be really emotionally controlling but I imagine it's because he's frustrated even though he's literally the one who put us in this position lol.

I'm going to keep documenting because court is months away and it isn't over until it's over lol. I'm not putting labels on him at all this time because I don't need to scare myself like that. He just has very toxic and abusive traits that he doesn't seem to be willing to change. And that's a yikes for me. Because how much fucking character development have I done in the last six months. Very steady therapy every single week, and I started a mood stabilizer this year. The fact that I'm not even reacting to him blocking me is a huge win.

I truly am just shocked that after everything he didn't change one single little bit at all. Truly taken aback. To know I lost everything and tried to kill myself and to not care is really gross.

I'm not even trauma bonded anymore I don't think. All I feel is anxiety and I think that's normal. I'm not even sad lol. I'm a little bit angry but not enough to split on him. Disappointed but not surprised? Yep.

The peace feels strange after a year and a half of chaos. It's the mood stabilizer for sure. If it's working for me like this to keep my emotions actually level for once then this drug is going to change my life because I can separate my real feelings from my borderline feelings 😭

If I can remain unreactive to him then I will have become the woman I've always wanted to fucking be. I've never ever been a woman who didn't react. I'd love to be that woman.

I'm still not overly optimistic three days after my attempt, my life is still pretty bland and boring, but for the first time maybe ever I feel like my emotions are moving in a straight line and that really excites me because I can trust a feeling that lasts.

There is a downside to that in that it manifested itself in darkness first because I had never felt so heavily depressed and that stable at the same time. So I knew I WAS ready to kms because that feeling didn't waver for six weeks. It's been two full days that I've felt neutral about this decision and I feel like I can probably trust this feeling too.

That day was obviously ridiculously traumatizing but it changed something in me. I am having some pretty intense PTSD flashbacks which are extremely uncomfortable so I try to repress it and Ive always been pretty good at deleting memories so it's working lol. I only remember it when I have flashbacks now which I know will subside eventually. I'm not ready to talk about it and I don't know that I ever will be I think that's something I probably want to keep to myself because it was so real, so so real. Just so impulsive but so so ready to go.

I also just remembered that that's the last time I reacted to him blocking me. The last time I reacted, I tried to kms, and then I got out of the hospital and I stopped reacting to him blocking me. I stopped swearing at him. I truly and genuinely stopped caring. And what an odd feeling. To have gone from loving someone so much like that to truly feeling nothing for them at all.

I'm going to continue to journal here as much as I need to in order to cope with the anxiety. I'm not even forcing myself to say that I don't love him or don't miss him. He is abusing me right now and all I can control is how I react to it.

My goal is calmness. To be neutral. To be unattached and mindful.

[meditating-dog-lover]

Intermittent fasting day 6

I woke up at 7 and went back to bed at 10 yesterday. I overslept and woke up at 2, which is an hour past when my feeding window starts (at 1). When I woke up at 7 I was a tiny bit bloated (I've been bloated since the night before after I had the sandwich) When I woke up at 2 it was better. My bloating overall has gotten better with the fasting (during both my feeding and fasting windows). Sometimes my stomach might get a bit larger when I'm hungry because it is gurgling. Though I feel lighter and less bloated.

I ate just like I did yesterday. I did something different with my dinner. I turned the avocado sandwich I usually make into avocado toast with an egg, 1 slice of cheese, and leafy greens (I pretty much replaced the slice of cheese I normally have with an egg here and had 1 piece of toast instead of 2 for a sandwich). It was good and filling. I had fish for lunch.

I did not go for a walk. I spent the whole day with my dad sitting in the living room and even playing a card game. Honestly my dad has cooled down and became extremely laid back compared when we were children and he was strict and used to hit us and yell at us. He let me go for walks alone late at night (he wouldn't even let me leave the house or have a sleepover or go to a party when I was a teenager, or even open social media or upload my pictures). And not once did he raise his voice at me, at all. I know I grew up into a well adjusted and successful adult, so I know he is so proud of me. Also I know him being away from his family helped him a lot. I know he loved his mom, but she made his life hell. I hate to say this, but when she passed away I feel like that lifted a weight off his shoulders. Not that he wasn't sad, but I think he felt some relief. But I know the things putting him down and making him stressed is money and loneliness (he lives away from us due to work). He was very down in summer 2022 for this reason and because his close friend and uncle died (and they were both young).

It sucks when you have to deal with generational trauma from your parent. It's like you have an obligation to heal yourself AND the parent who passed on the generational trauma. My dad in this case. I wan to end the lineage and I want to see my dad heal. My dad is not a bad person. But I hated dealing with the trauma. I wasn't allowed to go out, to date, to open social media, to put my pictures on social media, put up a Christmas tree, no dogs, etc... He also used to yell at us a lot and used to hit us. And we were very boring altogether and had no hobbies and wouldn't do fun activities like traveling. So it was a very miserable feeling growing up, especially when we were trapped in my grandmother's house. Like I've said before, living in his home country was traumatic and I unfortunately do not feel a strong connection to it and don't go back often. Only to visit family, but that's about it. Life there is so overwhelming and complex. Especially as a young woman who wants to be free and independent and financially secure.

But thankfully I no longer have to worry about that anymore. Because I am free and independent and financially secure (I'm not rich, I'm secure though which is more than what I can ask for). I have my own job and my own bank account and my own electronic and social media who no one has access to anymore. I have 2 dogs and I've never imagined I would ever have 2. I've always wanted 1 when was younger and envied people who had dogs, but now I have 2. And yeah I am allowed to put up a Christmas tree. And I'm not religious so thankfully I don't have to struggle with religious indoctrination and force. And that is a problem for people (especially women) in the cultural upbringing. And I can travel to the Mediterranean and enjoy walking on beaches. And I'm becoming healthier overtime as I wasn't exposed to health habits growing up. But I will give credit to my dad for introducing me to intermittent fasting, and I know it will dramatically transform my already good health.

So even though I didn't go for a walk, I am happy I stayed home with my dad. This visit really made me realize and remember how much he has changed compared to when we were growing up. He does have the occasional freakout, but he never takes anything out on me and allows me to do whatever I want. I can walk in the dark, own 2 dogs, and have my own bank account and electronics and social media accounts. Even at home with my mom and at work I am free since my boss doesn't micromanage me. I love being free and secure.