#i dont want people to indulge in my performance. i want them to KNOW me. the really real me

[caffeinatedopossum]

You know sometimes I think being misgendered doesn't bother me much but then someone I KNOW, someone who knows me and knows I'm transgender and even IS TRANS themself sometimes misgenders me and I'm reminded that no matter how accepting or supportive or similar to me they are, no one will see me as a guy until I look and sound like their idea of one.

And idk that bothers me a lot. Like I don't want to have to change just to be seen for who I am because then, is it actually who I really am or is it just a performance ABOUT who I really am?

[louisisalarrie]

Hello love. I like sending you asks because you’re always great at responding. This one is a bit sensitive. Don’t post if not appropriate.

Louis and alcohol. You’ve worked with him and seen him a little more closely than most. Is he a massive drinker (like, every day) or is his alcohol consumption a little exaggerated? I’ve seen other posts referring to him as having a problem, which seems a cruel assumption when people don’t know the guy.

It looks to me like there’s a ton of boozing on tour (lots of stories from other artists who’ve worked with him confirm they all drink a lot when they’re all together) but L never looks as though he goes on stage p*ssed. He tends to have beer on stage with him but never drinks the whole thing (I kind of feel like it’s a bit of a nervous habit, to have a drink there he can grab but not to be necessarily knocking it back show). I mean he definitely looks like he drinks a lot post show but we never hear of him turning up to meet fans drunk or smelling of booze (and there dont seem to be any major boozy stories about him doing something bad because he was drunk - oh apart from breaking his arm!) so I’m on the fence about whether or not he does have unhealthy drinking habits or not. He seems pretty controlled and put together with the occasional post show drunken/stoned selfie!

What are your thoughts?

I guess I just want a healthy Louis.

Hello anon! Apologies for the hold up on this, I wanted to do a good and thorough job at responding because it is a sensitive topic, for sure. I’m not sure how much you dabble in substances, your age, or your experiences with said substances, so what I say may feel like it’s still too much, but yeah, I hope I can provide you with some reassurance. So, lovely anon, welcome to the show!

TW for alcohol and drug use

Drinking and drug use is heavily glorified, over indulged in, and used as a crutch in the entertainment industry, but often times you only hear the worst of it. You’ve got the stories of overdoses, media analysing stars because they look drunk performing on stage, and artists having a bad/shocking image because they partake in alcohol/drugs depending on who their demographic is (zouis weed video, for example).

It’s often used as a coping mechanism, to just take a bit of the edge off. This doesn’t mean that all artists use it to an extreme extent to where they can’t perform/can’t live without it (like it’s portrayed in A Star is Born), and don’t get me wrong, some do, but from what I’ve seen and my pals and colleagues in the music industry have seen, Louis doesn’t overindulge.

I mean, they’d have a drink (or multiple) for the same reasons as we do, to just… chill out the nervous system, or carry on the energy. Dissipate some anxiety before going on stage and while on stage, calming down your body and mind from the adrenaline afterwards, partying and carrying on a bit more heavily if you’re celebrating. I’ve toured, not to the same extent as L or H, but it becomes quite normalised within people from the artist’s direct team, their direct touring crew, to the promoters, to the artist’s personal friends. It’s SO much work putting on these shows and travelling and when everything goes well, it’s a huge relief and time for a beverage or a joint. It’s just kinda… very normalised, which is also really bad, but Louis, from what I’ve seen and heard, is smart with it.

You’re correct in saying he isn’t drunk on stage, he doesn’t smell like substances (only cigarettes but that’s a whole other story), and only has 1 beer on stage.

His rider is pretty standard too. Artists over order so they don’t need runners to go get them stuff causing a delay. And then they take whatever they don’t finish to the hotel with them or whatever. If you were famous you’d wanna milk the free stuff 100%, so yeah, if that is a cause of concern for some fans seeing the leaked LATAM rider, I can assure you that it doesn’t go that far between the amount of people in his band and crew. It’s just… very normalised, but doesn’t happen every night.

Louis also just loves to dabble in the devils lettuce (im super annoyed that I have a story about this that I can’t share but he’s fucking hilarious) and loves a drink. Alcohol is also super normalised and encouraged in the UK, and here in Australia too. So I see a lot of it and it’s just kind of a thing you… do. It’s more so if you don’t drink, people are like ????? Hahaha.

So growing up in a country where it’s very normal to drink a beer or get pissed, it’s kind of engrained, and then being in an industry where it’s also normalised, it’s 100% natural to lean into it. When I drink on tour, it’s certainly less often than artists, but it’s just a social celebration thing and it’s kind of expected to a degree. In my opinion, and from what I’ve seen of him going on tour, he doesn’t have a problem nor loses any professionalism on or off the stage. He’s very serious about making these shows good and proving himself.

When I was backstage with him at one of these shows, he was in a green room that wasn’t too far from my office. He is so LOUD and hearing his giggle and talking shit was so wild hahaha. I could smell cigarettes, and heard him and his band/crew do a shot before the show, but apart from that I think maybe they had one or two beers in the late arvo together. I don’t clean/service green rooms so I can’t tell you 100% how much they drank, but it was pretty lowkey. I also don’t think he gets stoned before going on stage (I would’ve smelt it). I think it’s purely an after show fun time which also helps him sleep from jet lag/adrenaline etc. like I mentioned earlier.

He eats well, and while not as healthy as H, still filling food and has an appetite (im talking during the day, not the wild amount of munchies he orders post show), so he’s not letting alcohol/nicotine curb his appetite to that point. He did have bottle service at his hotel on a couple of those nights, too. But again, the bigger indulgence seems to be post show. He’s overall still healthy.

From what we’ve seen, it would be very easy to spot if he was going too far. He’s 100% in control and uses it as a small crutch like a lot of us do due to the intense stress of our jobs. Tbh he also just likes a drink and a joint or two and there’s no reason to worry. Hell, I like a drink or a joint or two and im good at my job, know when to stop, and uphold my professionalism to a high standard. There’s truly no reason to worry, he’s just louder about it than the other boys (I’ve heard that Niall gets on it just as much, but we don’t see it).

Now, it may seem like im making excuses for the industry or for Louis or whatever, but truly, it kinda is what it is. There has been a small but significant shift in the industry around drinking and drug use though, and how it affects mental health, which is great. In Australia, we have a resource called “Support Act” which is an organisation that now has a 24/7 wellbeing hotline for artists, industry folks, and crew, and while it has been around since 1997, it is obviously far bigger and more accessible now due to technology etc., and has great resources. The UK similarly has “Music Minds Matter”, and there are multiple around the US. So there is definitely a larger awareness on the toll touring and an industry career can take on you, and I have no doubt that Louis is aware of his limits and has supportive and wonderful people around him.

Wow okay this turned into a whole other thing. Sorry!!! Hahaha. Look, in short, he drinks nowhere near as much as other artists I’ve worked with (8 bottles of top shelf whiskey in one night thanks) and unless we see any cause for concern, im sure he’s okay, 100% in control, and just living his best life as a 32 yr old successful rockstar. Try not to worry!

[caluski]

again, a brief moment of self-reflection :-)

turning a little older yet again, i think its funny to see myself changing still. i wont lie that my life feels that much different from what it used to be - but other than boring things such as employment or housing or the lack of relationships, something has perhaps shifted in a bit quiet way, one you usually notice upon retrospection much later.

i think im still pretty much a hopeless romantic, in that stupid, proud, dramatic way that makes me absolutely fucking insufferable. everything must be either grand or tragic. obviously, its not a bad thing in itself, but it does make me far too self indulgent for my own good. i know i have to learn patience towards others, and domesticate my solitude, otherwise soon life will drive me even madder... there is a lot to reconsider when it comes to what i expect from life and people in my life, even if it feels like i overthought everything to death and back already.

the big goals for 29th year is definitely going back on meds. or should i say, finding meds that actually work for me. theres a lot that i want - such as moving out and becoming independent, having a stable job i dont have to worry about losing, or finding companionship in my daily life - but i want to be realistic just once. last year, i remember finding out about the layoffs right before summer ended, and i thought - my next job will be the one that fixes everything. obviously, its not, not yet at least. even the minimum wage aside, im annoyed with lots of aspects of it, so its far from perfect. i wish i could land a safe, corporate job that pays enough to keep me afloat on my own, but, well.

but like, other than all my actual flaws, i dont think my attempt to romanticize everything is that bad in itself. it does make good-but-normal things seem far too good to be true (like having friends, being loved, having a safe home - how can it ever be real for me, if its so beautiful???), but other than that, i do like the way it makes me feel. i like treating every coffee like the biggest blessing of the day. i like how good music makes me tear up. i like it when days are so good, theyll feel like a dream when i look back at them. i just have to keep it under a little bit of control. i have to get used to the thought that the world is not out there to cater for me, that i am not in fact the center of the universe, that everything goes on no matter what. i always liked the thought of being not the main character of life, but more of a best friend or love interest; youre still there, you can participate, you can be significant if you put your mind to it, but the world wont stop for you. also, i do like the sentiment of someone's main purpose in life being both giving and receiving of love. i might lack the brains and beauty for much more, but love, i think everyone is capable of, no matter what - and it includes me, in the end.

i want to spend more time taking pictures and listening to music. going to cafes and having long walks. i want to try going back to drawing. i wanna get better at writing - god, if this wall of text alongside all my other silly little posts arent a proof of that...... - which of course, means reading more, too. i wanna hear more live music. local, or maybe the big performances, if artists i like come over to warszawa or kraków or something. also, i wanna travel a little more. even if just to sit in a local cafe and watch the traffic. i wanna visit żmija (if youre reading this, i swearrrrrrr im not trying to invite myself over - but maybe if im in kraków or something, we could see each other closer to your home. which could also be fun because its such a big city, so much to see, so many cafes to experience. maybe a gay bar to visit? are there any worth dancing in?). and i do wanna continue collecting vinyls - slowly, as they are so costly, but still. and i do wanna become more outgoing, i want to take more risks, even if it leaves my stupid little heart sore and exposed.... rejection is inevitable, right? and i do want to catch up with romantic experiences, too. i want to feel something for someone again, even if its one-sided and desperate and miserable. but i miss it so badly, so so badly. i want to have someone to pour out my affection on - consensually. i want someone to want to be loved by me as i am, with all this mess of loud, intense feelings, without being freaked out. or maybe getting freaked out in a good way.

anyway. such a gloomy day calls for love & food playlist promo. have a good evening everyone! mwah

[alicentsgf]

What do you like in rhaenicent? What attracts you to them as a couple, and what attracts them to each other in your opinion?

i was so tempted to just respond with 'im a lesbian' but imma bite. prepare yourselves.

the basic cornerstone of it is i love women and i really really love tragedy, so this pairing is Perfection. on the most basic level, episode 1 rhaenicent was just cute like anyone who denies that just hates joy i guess. i was at least a little invested from scene 1.

you've got these two girls who have such different temperaments but then theres this undeniable element of sensual intimacy and chemistry. to me it seemed obvious even without the comments from the cast and crew that alicent and rhaenyra were in love with each other (in some way) as girls. they start off so comfortable with each other, reaching out for each other at every opportunity. rhaenyra even admits, however flippantly, to wanting alicent (and freedom) to the detriment of everything and everyone else. she would leave it all behind except alicent. but this means the dream dissipates with alicents disproval. rhaenyra is All desire, whereas, for better or worse, alicent tempers that because she is All duty and shes been raised to perform it without question (initially for rhaenyra as her companion, then later for her king/husband and their children). the biggest themes in the story are brought forth by rhaenicent's dynamic and by ways in which they act as foils for each other: loss, betrayal, duty vs desire, generational curses, motherhood, the madonna/whore dichotomy and its impotence, and the inevitability of a tragic ending.

they loved each other so deeply because growing up they were each others everything. i honestly think alicent only ever experienced unconditional love with rhaenyra, which is why she clings to the memory of it so desperately, (whereas rhaenyra had aemma perhaps?). alicent and rhaenyra were never without each other in their formative years, and they probably thought they never would be. in some ways they were torn out of each others lives with the same amount of violence and resulting mutilation as aemond losing his eye. they had molded themselves into each others empty spaces, making up for what the other lacked. they're incomplete without each other and deep down they both know that, and its why even after everything, with all the reasons they shouldn't care about each other anymore, they still find themselves desperate for reconcilation. and alicent still wont see rhaenyra dead, even when shes a possibly lethal threat to alicent's family. otto sees the truth of it, forcing alicent to acknowledge it too - even at the peak of their estrangement a world without rhaenyra is a world alicent cant make sense of.

and heres the really delicious part: they're going to destroy each other. its inevitable and it always was, because the world they live in would never have let them do anything else. its the curse of the targaryens meets the curse of westerosi womanhood. idk maybe at this point some people might wonder 'well then why bother having them love each other at all, if it ends with them alone and afraid and hating each other?', but isnt that the point of tragedy? love matters even if it sours. it matters even if it cant save anyone. theres catharsis in acknowledging the cost of human frailty and not doing anything to suggest things should or could have happened differently, but just encouraging us, very simply, to indulge our own ugly, stupid humanity.

the truth is the moment their relationship first truly gripped me was actually episode 6. i loved young alicent and rhaenyra but it was seeing their older versions so at odds with one another in contrast to their past that captured my interest. which is why i feel 'shipping' is just... not the right term for what where my brain is at with them. i feel it implies i want things for them as a pairing that i dont: i dont want them together, i dont want them to be less resentful, or to reconcile, and for all the jokes i dont even want them to be physically intimate. i want them to hate each other and i want them to hate how much they still care, i want it eating them alive, i want them unable to deny it because its the love, grief, and betrayal thats at the root of their resentment.

for me it seems like the reason grrm and the development team okayed this change is because whilst a 'history' book like fire and blood doesnt need an element such as this, the change in format to an intimate portrayal made it almost necessary. rhaenyra and alicents dynamic anchors the plot whilst also critiquing the nature of the shows own source material for its inaccuraces and misogyny. as a result the story of the dance becomes not just a story of targaryen entitlement and the resulting retribution, which i would have been a fan of anyway, but the tragic love story of two women who fell victim not just to the unforgiving nature of the world they were born into, but to their own human frailties. and im honestly just basking in it because this is so much more than i could have hoped for.

so i guess my point is that rhaenicent are barely even a 'couple' to me lmao, im studying them like a live specimen under a microscope and im not afraid to prod them with sharp implements.

[natsmagi]

One of my least favourite Tsumugi misconceptions is that he's useless at being an idol. He's very good actually! It's pointed out multiple times in various stories by characters who are considered the top tier idols that Tsumugi is very good at his job, he's just also awkward and a bit clumsy off stage.

yea ! alot of misconceptions tend to stem from people getting a taste of the character in a certain context and then assume theyd be the same in different contexts when thats rarely the case. like just look at tsumugis romancing cruise performance That shit changed me forever

i do understand why this happens though, or why small misconceptions are rather frequent and inadvertently lead to mischaracterizations at times. often times we just take a surface level view at things and, naturally, observe what it is we see and compare it to things we already know. like i said in my last post tsumugi is bashful, not shy, but if people only see his more awkward demeanor around certain people theyre obviously going to assume thats the characteristic he has because thats what most of us are familiar with

i dont want people to feel insecure in their portrayals though !! q__q and youre free to be as self-indulgent as you want when u create ur little crafts as im sure many of us are using these characters as a means of our own self-expression. god knows i do it! but is it also not just as fun to truly dig into the character and to try figuring them out from an unbiased perspective ? again its why i dont want to put them into boxes!!! theres so much to them and by only focusing on one or two of their characteristics you are doing them a disservice!! youre free to exclusively PORTRAY your favorite aspects ofc, create for you and not for others! but i just want their complexities to be acknowledged and recognized 💔💔 though thats just one of my selfish little desires

[meep--tm]

if it helps i would read your completely self indulgent oc fic i love other people oc's send it to me please show it to me rachel /ref

ANON... for you. this is the first section of the specific thing i was referring to. the only context i can give are that yabis and shoki are two tieflings me and my friend luca played in a dnd campaign years ago (shoki was luca's character, yabis was mine) and latched onto and turned into our own seperate OC thing with their own mini story

i wrote this a while ago now but i like them so much i dont even CARE

👍

Somewhere downstairs, a gnome has taken on the mantle as the evening’s entertainer, and the drunken crowds have fallen silent.

It’s a natural fact of travelling bard-dom that wherever you may go, there’s about one peer for every ten sets of ears; Yabis learned this years ago and has kind-of, a bit, almost, sometimes made peace with it. There’s no one way to perform, after all - some carry a lute or a lyre, some carry nothing, some carry it all (although that’s only those with the luxury of a caravan) - and Yabis likes to believe they’re more unique with their technique than others. To linger on their self-doubt in the face of their competition would just concede the match, and would only foster bitterness; Yabis has a great amount of respect for their fellow performers, no matter the form of their craft or how much of Yabis’s business they may steal. It would hardly do them any good to go about as if they were deserving of special treatment. For one, no one wants to befriend a stuck up bastard - a bard who doesn’t network is hardly any bard at all - and for two, Yabis was homeschooled. They’re already fighting an uphill battle.

This is all to say that Yabis has a natural inclination to rush to the defence of any stray bard they may meet on the road, as it only makes sense to. It’s a lot more effort to be mean than it is to be kind, and you never know when you may need a performance partner. The current problem is that this bard, the gnome downstairs, is butchering The Moon Has Left Us Lonely - one of Yabis’s favourites - with the carelessness of a child’s off-key rendition of happy birthday. He’s singing as if a hag has replaced the lining of his throat with tree bark. He’s playing the lute as if he woke up this morning with new hands and is still determining how one should move their fingers. It’s unbearable.

“Somebody,” Yabis croaks as they’re ascending the stairs to the first floor, “should say something.”

A couple steps above, Shoki stops, turns on one foot, and stares down at them. Her expression is flat. Yabis stares back.

“To the gnome,” Shoki says. It feels like it should be a question - it isn’t.

Yabis nods heavily, grip tightening on the bannister. This is the first time Shoki has made eye contact with them in hours. “Needs to be told.”

“Hm.” Briefly, Shoki glances past the stairs and through the doorway towards the small sliver of the main hall that’s visible, and presumably to the bored patrons taking sips from their frothing mugs of ale. It’s packed tonight. Getting a room upstairs had been a nightmare, and Shoki had been forced to sit at the bar during Yabis’s performance instead of her usual routine of hiding in a corner booth; the house is full of tired labourers in need of relief. The perfect audience. As it is now, nobody is so much as humming. “I think he probably knows.”

“But he’s still going,” Yabis insists, also looking behind them now. One of the men at one of the tables notices her and waves, cracking a smile, which makes Yabis feel even worse because they’re not even in the room and they’re still managing to steal the show from this poor luthier. They wave back anyway. “Bombing. Everybody hates it. He’s still playing.”

A chord is hit particularly violently, ringing throughout the air with a sickening twang, and that horrible voice drags itself lifelessly over a line that Yabis had always found to be notably meaningful, one about elders and their children and the tragedies inherent to existing as either. It’s such an offence to the ear that an entire table of disgruntled women with scars on their faces take final swigs from their cups before scraping their chairs back and making for the door. The whole thing is one of Yabis’s stress nightmares come to life.

When Yabis wrenches their eyes away, they find Shoki’s looking down at them again - differently this time. More of her black sclera is visible than normal, the white irises of them looking dimmer and yellowed under the tavern’s lamplight, even though her broad figure blocks most of it. Yabis is largely standing in her shadow right now, actually, which is a thought that they carefully avoid lingering on in the name of acting well-adjusted and normal.

Today’s events have been unusual for the two of them, and especially for Yabis. Shoki could be thinking anything about them right now. This is another thought that Yabis is carefully avoiding.

Recent developments aside, her single minded focus on Yabis is a lot. Yabis is no stranger to being studied like this, but it always feels strange coming from Shoki - maybe it’s knowing that she has more knowledge packed into her head than Yabis ever has or ever will, or maybe it’s the unfeeling mask that she sports the majority of the time, or maybe it’s the disarming sweetness Yabis feels from her at times like these. Shoki’s hard to read on a good day, and today has been far from a good day. 

It’s alright. Yabis thinks her stoic “I don’t care, ever, and I didn’t ask, please don’t talk to me,” thing is pretty cute, actually, most of the time. Like she’s a cat or something.

Instead of trying to decode the look, Yabis studies her right back. There are flecks of muddy, dried blood scattered throughout her hair, the days-old plait falling over her shoulder the way tree branches fall over a stone-brick wall in winter, all splintered and dry. She looks pale, being a shade of lilac as opposed to her usual purple, with a dark flush running over her cheeks and nose and ears through the combined efforts of the sharp winds outside and the well-fed hearth by the bar. A dark bruise is already turning a sickly yellow at the hinge of her jaw, and her breathing sounds vast, and she seems to be slightly favouring her left foot.

(Yabis knows they probably haven’t fared much better themself; the fight today had been tougher than they had prepared for, and they still feel the stinging of a fresh scar spanning across their thigh, even after all of the healing spells. There’s a dried trickle of blood running from one of their ears, hidden under their mass of hair; even here, holding onto the bannister, they feel themself swaying slightly in place. It’s a miracle they had the energy to entertain tonight, and even more of a miracle that Shoki waited for them downstairs instead of disappearing upstairs for a bath. They’re not sure if they would’ve done the same, were the situation reversed; a bath sounds really good right now.) 

As the mutual scrutiny continues, Shoki’s mouth twists uncomfortably, unsure of what it’s trying to express. She looks tired.

“We won’t be able to hear him by the time we’re up in our room,” Shoki says eventually, her tone measured but equally as inexplicable as her face. “If it matters that much to you. I also,” she says, and she looks away now, resuming her pilgrimage up the stairs, “have earplugs in my pack. Help yourself.”

Yabis smiles and follows close behind, taking two steps at a time, feeling like they’ve won something. That was probably the best response they could hope for right now - it repeats itself between their ears a few times, help yourself, help yourself, help yourself - and the slight relief is wonderful. They just about have the mental fortitude to resist pulling their hair over their face and chewing on it as they ascend to their room for the night, if only because they don’t want to end up spitting out mud.

[lohstandfound]

🥝🍔🍊

this got kinda long so

🥝Who are your literary influences, and have they shaped your own writing? I've said it before how M.L. Rio influenced the way I write dialogue. And playwrights and poets in general have had a slight influence on my fiction writing.

It feels easier to list influenced for my poetry. The main one for poetry is probably essa may ranapiri. Their first poetry collection, ransack, was focused on exploring gender through a non binary lens. Their second poetry collection, Echidna, is a mash up of Greek and Māori mythology and Christianity.

Also, in regards to poetry (mostly). My museum studies lecturers placed so much emphasis on being poetic and creative and bring wordsmiths when it came to writing assignments I had to convince myself to not write a 2000 word poem for a material culture study. However, the assignments focused on making museum labels gave me an idea for a poetry collection of writing museum labels for people I know. (Also, everything about my museum studies degree has 100% influenced deities au and I don't think I tried to hide that)

🍔What's a headcanon that hasn't made it into a published fic yet? I think most things find their way into a fic??

I think the only thing I haven't put into a fic is a potential concept for a few character's cultural heritage that is very much me projecting and very self-indulgent. The one I've put the most thought into is Jake and it is. Very much. Me projecting similar circumstances. I made a post about it a total of one time ages ago.

It stemmed from a random thought I had that if bmc was set in new Zealand, Jeremy and Michael would 100% go to Armageddon (which I guess is basically like comic con or any other convention). To which it lead me on a train of thought of what else would it look like if it was set in NZ and one of those concepts involved imagining them as Māori. The only one that really stuck with putting the characters back in, y'know, new jersey was Jake being white passing Māori with a huge disconnect from his whakapapa, knowing next to nothing about it. I have a lot of thoughts on it. But. y'know. Self indulgent projecting headcanons that will never make it into a fic. so ive never properly talked about it

in summary, i dont think there's a headcanon that i haven't managed to put into a fic yet.

🍊What's a story that changed significantly from its initial idea to the final draft? The basis of the poets fic is the same: Michael, Jake, Brooke, and Rich make up a poet quartet, working together to workshop poems and spitball ideas and perform at open mic nights. There's still a few unresolved issues between Jeremy and Michael, and Brooke and Chloe. And the poems are still the same.

The original version was so much more rushed and was resolved by Jake and Christine tricking everyone into a group therapy session.

I figured I could do it better, make it less rushed and actually take the time for mostly Jeremy Michael Brooke and Chloe to work out their feelings. Jeremy and Michael have already started, but I have plans for Brooke and Chloe (and Jake).

(In my mind, Rich and Jake have already worked through everything. Brooke and Jake are super close in this fic and I imagine Jake has written so many poems about Rich as a way of processing (what's this? Jake Dillinger has a healthy coping mechanism?) so by the time Rich approaches the trio to ask for help with his own poems, Jake doesn't hold as much anger and is much more willing to talk things through with Rich).

But now that I've taken it so far from the original plot, I'm not sure where it's going. I have a plan for an argument between Brooke and Chloe, and I want a Jake-centred chapter (but I need to write a Jake poem first)

[mumbledramblings]

hi I’m mid I made this blog because I was thinking about a trigun reader au and I needed a place to yell about it

anyway

The Summer Prince and the Winter King

So in this AU there’s two gods of the seasons, the Summer Lord and the Winter King, gods of summer and winter, respectively.

The Summer Lord was killed when Humanity stole his power for themselves (but its ok he was kinda a dick) which made the Winter King to just sorta,,, up and leave, taking the body of the Summer Lord, and the season of Winter with them. Since Spring and Autumn are sort of transitional seasons that herald the beginning and end of the other two, the spirits that represent them also left the world of humans (No Man’s Land??? Earth?? I haven’t figured that out yet). This left the world in a state of Eternal Summer, controlled by humans through the usage of Plants; a sort of artificially-made Summer spirit.

Now, Plants are widely considered the height of human ingenuity, harnessing the power of a Literal God. Unfortunately, they are also very inefficient. Despite being able to bring down the Summer Lord, their understanding of the Power of Seasons and the spirits that rule them is Sorely Lacking. The Plants themselves are little more than mindless organic machines awaiting human input, and often require multiple Plants to perform any action of significance. Even then, a vast majority of the Power of Summer remains beyond the capabilities of humans.

Naturally, some humans looked at the limitations of Plants and felt that humanity was meant for greater things. So they began research on making their own Summer god (always a good and sane thing to do). However, with the body of the Summer Lord taken by the Winter King, and the absence of any other spirit of the Seasons, god or otherwise, development of their new god was, troubled, to say the least.

In the end, they developed a being somewhere between Plants and humans--a fusion, of sorts. But of the many Plant-Human subjects they developed, only three remained viable past infancy (Tesla, Vash and Nai), and even they were no where near god-like in their capabilities.

Eventually-- after an accident involving the eldest of the subjects-- people began to think that they were Playing God a little Too Much, and the project was deemed a failure and shut down. All research and documents were made Classified, all assets were seized, and the remaining subjects (Vash and Nai) were sent off to live normal human lives.

----

phew, there’s the basic setting down. i didnt want this post to get too long, so im leaving the details about the individual characters for other posts. i figure this is a good introduction to the au???

i dont expect this to get any traction at all since this is extremely self-indulgent, but thats ok because i just wanted to get this out of my head before i popped. if you do make it this far, let me know what you thought about it!

[krewekreep]

Introduction of Sorts + Interests

This page will really be for me to get back into writing, develop my writing and indulge myself. I’m open to requests though but ask people to definitely contextualize your Bias (person you’re requesting for—yes I’m gonna use K-pop lingo oh well) and/or the scenario cause otherwise I’d simply write for myself. Which is why I also am making this page because I’ve been on tumblr for 10 years (my main account turned ten this year) and I’m worn out of the smut fest no prose or story fics. Definitely has its place in the community but the older I get the more I need actual full blown delusion. I need scene, setting, set up, climax, denouement…and so I’ll fulfill the order myself. 🫡

My interests:

(Im a 2010s coded Tumblr user so uh, I mean I suppose Dr Who and Supernatural aren’t 😂😂😂😂lmao ew anyway (I was into supernatural I’m ewwing at you and myself) .

Too I usually am not following everything that’s mainstream (I know im so cool) so also if something isn’t listed I most likely know of it—but went no further. I also like older anime and media so if you have something super specific that feels out of place no worries. Im gonna end up writing Greek smut about Dionysus so…🤷🏾‍♀️

Anime: (I’ve seen actually too much anime to name so here’s the ones I have a bias or have an affinity for the characters)

JJK,

Chainsaw Man

Bleach

Naruto

Demon Slayer

Attack on Titan

Fate Series

Etc

Manga:

JJK

Chainsaw Man

Bleach

Attack on Titan

Spy x Family

DanDanDan

Berserk

Etc

Fave genres are horror/seinen, shoujo, and slice of life.

KPOP: (1st-mid 3rd Gen main but still aware of 4th gen pretty deeply)

I dont really want to do requests for idols but I don’t mind overall, explained further below

My fave boy groups (somewhat in order): Big Bang, Shinee, BAP, BTS (ex-army, long story**, don’t come to my page with that bullshit 💕) B1A4, IKON, EXO, 2PM, GOT7…I could go on. (I’m not gonna list them in an order but my heart can’t not include MBLAQ, Teen Top, U-Kiss, etc ugh those were the days😭)

Girl Groups (in definitive order): 2NE1, Brown Eyed Girls, F(x), Girls Generation, TWICE, 4Minute/Hyuna, Wonder Girls, Secret, After School, Global Icon (short lived), Tiny G ( VERY short lived), EXID, Ladies Code, etc.

Now 4th Gen…is cute…they got CUTE people that’s for sure. This list will be co-ed simply because I’m not feral for boy groups like I was younger. Really the boy groups don’t do it for me (4th gen overall criticism tbh) cause it’s really looks and kinda arrogant personalities I find obnoxious given y’all can’t even publicly date or be seen smoking…tone down the elitist vibe lol. But shade aside I do jam some things and have a playlist for my fave 4th gen songs so for sure no hate just a BOMBASTIC side eye sometimes. Anyway…

Stray Kids

Aespa

Lessaraffim (I’m gonna leave it like my mind spells it, enjoy)

NCT 127 (specifically them ((in reference to the units)) cause I enjoy R&B coded K-pop, they do too much Niggaboo shit (looking at Mark and Taeyong DIRECTLY in the eyes 👁️👄👁️)((BUT it’s a Soo Man thing cause him, YG, and JYP competing over who wish they were a born a Black man the most…Soo Man and JYP ✨fist fighting✨over the top spot IYKYK)

New jeans (they’re minors and if they all aren’t their def much younger than me so no requests for minors please this is for taste assessment only)

BIBI and other female soloists (Hyuna, Sunmi, Ga-in, Lee Hyori, etc)

IVE (they really got some bops tbh, this is another TWICE case of let these young women talk and sing how they naturally would…music and live performances will thank them for it)

Nobody really else I guess honorable mentions are Ateez, Fifty-fifty,

———————————————————————

*im gonna add that for Anime/Manga the double dipping means some combination of me knowing the material in both forms of media. Like Jujutsu Kaizen is an amazing example currently as of course the anime is ongoing but the manga is far ahead by a large portion of plot. So if your anime only, manga only, or something be sure to let me know so I’m not spoiling by accident. Don’t want the smut to spoil a character death or something….right? 😅

**the long story short and overall caveat of why I’ve fallen out of love for groups and K-pop are the fact that yeah as a Black person I genuinely started getting pissed off with colorism, n-word usage, appropriation, and mockery. The shit gets old and as a poor old super fan I’m happy I didn’t spend the money people do for folks who would literally refuse my hand…🫤 be fr. Likewise, the deaths of idols who were literally my biases really (of course) bothered me and took a toll on my enjoyment of the genre too. The more you love it the more you learn and that’s usually where the fun ends and now it’s numbers charts and placements. Lame 😭. I let the time I was fan be that but otherwise ? Eh I’m good I’ll bop from time to time and catch the tea but my bread in my pocket (besides my B1A4 What’s Happening and Twice Scientist albums😂)((and the other old albums I’ll get before they disappear forever or get destroyed🫠))

But yeah that’s that on that. I’ll be posting whatever ends up decent enough to be read by others. Otherwise wherever this ends up hope you drop a message🥸!

[joligarcon]

i cant possibly go over every single thing that bothers me about the whole hogwarts legacy debacle but one of the most annoying and hurtful things about it is the way cis people are seemingly incapable of Not making it about themselves and whether they are Good or Bad people for buying the game and playing it. like has it ever occurred to them that not everything in the world is about them? that maybe its not about whether they get to be Good People and feel like Good People or whether they are Ontologically Evil No Matter What? that maybe i have better things to do then to waste my fucking time and energy reassuring them that they are Good or convincing them that they are Bad? that maybe just maybe this is about the IMPACT of what they are doing when they line the pockets of one of the most notorious transphobes in recent history and help her maintain cultural relevancy by continuing to engage with her creative property? because yeah, when you do that, you ARE contributing to a culture of transphobia, and you ARE complicit, because JKR isn't some rando celebrity with views that happen to be problematic, she is literally using her money and influence to empower shitheads who have the means to strip us of our human rights, and to normalize their transphobia as well as that of the public who remains passive and complicit at best. and if me saying that makes you feel guilty or like i'm calling you a bad person, maybe sit down and reflect on it for a bit. because what you're experiencing is called cognitive dissonance and it's not my fucking problem to deal with. and if you're still going to play the game in spite of all of that, at LEAST have the decency to do it in secrecy and shame and not come begging your trans friends and acquaintances for validation that youre still Totally A Good Ally uwu because i promise you we don't care to listen to you justify why the nazi terf game is Fine Actually and that youre Totally Engaging With It Non-Problematically we really truly dont. trans people aren't the catholic church, we aren't here to give out indulgences. so either play another game or fuck off.

all of this applies to your jewish pals too btw, they don't want to hear about it either. because yeah, apparently it wasn't enough for JKR to be a terf, she also had to be a raging antisemite to spice things up!!

i dealt with cognitive dissonance and a LOT of guilt before i went vegan so it's not like i don't know what thats like. but you know what i did? i boycotted animal products instead of making it everybody's problem. i was privileged enough to have the option not to fund animal abuse so i stopped doing it. and i'm not saying i'm a bastion of animal rights and good virtue, quite the contrary. i know i'm not actually doing anything amazing by simply Eating Different Food, but that's kind of my point. even with just that the stakes were much higher than with a video game boycott- i had to give up the food that had kept me alive for 20 years. whereas with a video game there are NO stakes at all, you're not actually sacrificing anything by not playing it but yall cant even fucking do that. you don't need any level of privilege whatsoever to partake in the boycott and yet. it just makes me think yall are the absolute lousiest people on earth if you cant even bring yourselves to do 1/10th of the lousy stuff ive been doing for other causes because "but my childhood uwu"

it hurts so much because it feels like betrayal. or rather thats straight up what it is. thing whole thing sheds an ugly, ugly light on the pervasiveness of performative allyship and it makes me think the future of the trans rights movement is looking bleak as FUCK if all our supposed "allies" are willing to abandon us over a video game. a fucking video game.

and maybe some people just dont realize the extent to which JKR has a direct impact on the state of human rights for trans people and they think shes just a kooky problematic fave but i don't think that's an excuse either because we have been SCREAMING at you guys for YEARS about what kind of person she is and what she does so at this point if you're still not aware it's like, where the fuck have you been?

i just. i just cant wait until the day we move on from harry potter as a society and let it and JKR fade into obscurity forever. im sick and tired of having to hear and talk about her.

[madamlaydebug]

What is this drug everyone is on?

Its that shit everyone seems to be on where they dont give a fuck about collective issues and are just self concerned. How fucked is it that they all seem happier than us "conscious" folk?

But of course they are happy. They are not conscious of the truth of reality. It almost makes me want to take selfies all the time and concern other people with my face every chance I get, to update people on my uninteresting events multiple times a day, to concern myself with sports and TV to the point where I am completely numb to the truth of reality.

I find myself suffering every day, concerning myself with the future of the country, the future of children that I dont even have. I write things that I feel will help, but in the end I find its the same people engaging them. It seems the people I want to reach have no interest. They ignore me like the plague, and I understand why; they dont want their illusions ruined.

Truth is pain, but so is growth, so I know exactly why my existence seems like suffering.

The morality of the world is sinking by the hour, people are getting dumber everyday, tuning themselves to false realities via a box of flickering light patterns. They ingest these electronic hallucinations, unwittingly programming themselves to an unnatural and stupid unreality, making them useless in the ultimate quest in life, to know thyself.

I however am very familiar with myself. I dont indulge in sports fanaticism and vapid entertainment, at least not even close to the level as most people. This is exactly how I am able to delve so deep into the human condition. I am able to know myself, and because I know myself on this level, I am also able to know YOU. Thats right, we are all one, and the beauty of knowing thyself, is the ability to know others. When I say self, I am not talking about the ego we feed. Our egos are creations that support separation. We are all the same underneath the ego.

How much of yourself do you think you can know when you labor for 8 hours at a place you cant wait to leave, then come home for a few of your free hours, 6 at best, because we have to sleep, and you spend hours having electronic hallucinations of a senseless unreality? It has come to the point where people cant sit alone for 5 minutes without a screen in front of them, just listening to the nothingness, the voice of god.

5 minutes of silence to most people becomes chaotic. Their mind seems to fight against them. They will even report to everyone online that they are bored, which to me is nothing but self hatred. They feel the need to tell other people that they cant stand being alone with their own thoughts. They are asking to be rescued from themselves. This is indeed self hatred. But if they turn on the TV, or indulge in social media, they can lose themselves in a plethora of ego via idols, subconsciously adopting them to their own egos, growing more unnatural with every frame.

Sitting in silence with your thoughts reveals your demons, and most people see the only way out as distracting themselves from it, rather than dealing with them, learning to shut them up, performing a sort of mental exorcism. But Im sorry, they wont leave unless you deal with them. They will only grow. And the more you put off dealing with them, the harder it will be to defeat them, because you will be full of ego, and the ego will defeat the self, especially when all do you is feed it with narcissistic social media behavior or constant consumption of ego via vapid TV and entertainment.

Humanity is at the pinnacle of self rejection and self hatred. We worship people and call them stars, but unlike true stars, their natures are not fixed in anything eternal. They are creations, by whoeverthefuck, made to entice you, to pull you into a deeper web of self ignorance. You cant navigate the seas of your emotions with unnatural, unfixed stars.

One of the things I admire about the Jewish faith is that they dont worship idols. In the Torah (Old Testament), they even talked about IDOLATRY and how horrible it is. A Jewish person does not put other human beings on platforms above them. Funny how the first thing Christians do is worship idols, and the same thing with Islam, which make no mistake about it, is root to many of the problems we see in their worshipers.

Ever think that the reason Jews are so successful is that they dont concern themselves with idols?

American Idols make Americans idle. This is why they get nowhere spiritually. They seemingly dont even have a concern for spiritual matters. It all seems to be about material and self satiation. Extreme concern for the self over the collective is due to feeding the ego, AND IDOLS FEED THE EGO.

So what is the drug everyone seems to be on? Its called IDOLATRY, the worship of other people or personas, the perfect way to lose yourself. Dont think for a second that just because you dont pray or act religiously toward something that it isnt worship. Consuming is worship. And if the majority of your free time is consuming, ingesting, absorbing the contrived personas of individuals, you are consuming that which is anti-god.

And you become what you ingest, right?

[fuxxyeyes]

ramblings about lost identity maybe?

Only 2 things bring me contentness. Tea and my dog. I have 2 dogs but the boy one is my favourite. He makes me happy.

My home is stored in 240p pixels and blood.

Its funny how they made pills that can change you into a person society wants to see and accept, but really, once they wear away, your back to your true form of dark filth and nostalgia.

Well, I hope you aren’t because thats what I become and I like to imagine I have some form of a personality. I know im only fooling myself though because how can anyone be a part of the internet and still have an individual brain. I made these micro trends and indulge in them too.

I dont remember who said it but i once heard an interview of an artist (my memory fails to remember what kind of artist also) who said he was always drawn towards more darker things, and things society typically frames as ‘bad for your health’ (in the mental way) but he just embraced it and expressed himself that way.

Lol id like to do that someday.

See there i go again, its never ever original. I keep circling back to the fact that everything i do think and say is a performance and i cant even stop it when im alone. WHich has led to this writing lol.

Also a performance of some kind.

But i dont know what qualifies as me at my origin then. Would i have to go back to being a baby and refrain from any form of corporate mind wash? Probably. I dont think consumption of media by individuals is particularly harmful to a persons identity. I think using that to refine oneself and learn more about oneself is a positive thing. Its when the big bad brands and companies get involved it turns into mind wash and unoriginality. Also inescapable nowadays. Athough sometimes i see people who are so in tune and so interlinked with modern trends and culture, yet they are so significantly themselves. Painfully themselves its so clear.

They know who they are and what they like and what it means to be x (them)

And i still find ————— trying to please those people, and when she’s called out on it its like oh. Yeah. Forgot i suck and am completely unoriginal and just trying to please the masses unnoticed.

I dont know how to re wire that but i think its mandatory to refine myself

[milesfagworth]

maybe its the autism or the transgenderism but i cannot for the life of me understand how so many people think that "I personally perform well in this system" necessarily means that "Anyone who doesnt must be deficient in some way"

like, there are several systems that i personally do well with that i can also see should not be universal or even exist in their current form.

like, I did very well in the united states school system. i was called gifted, i was in all the advanced classes blah blah blah. i want to go back to school eventually even. but my god is the united states school system a shit show. it eats kids up and destroys their health. hell, even i tried to kill myself in college in no small part due to school. i don't understand people who think that school is easy or that people who struggle must be stupid or lazy or whatever.

i also find that the "monogamous romantic life partner being your most valued relationship" thing works well for me as well. my partner is the most important person in my life. but my younger sister is in more of a "best friend as your platonic life partner is your most valued relationship" situation. i have friends who are polyamorous and aromatic, and who are in every configuration of relationship. none of them are wrong for the ways they do (or dont!) love, or for how the hierarchy of their relationships look, including lacking one entirely. hell, if the worst were to happen and somehow my relationship with my partner ended, I probably wouldnt end up in a similar relationship again

even in a more lighthearted example...i personally hate spoilers! if i am going to experience a story, i want to go in as blind as possible! my social media addicted self has deleted tumblr and shit for a period of time before to avoid spoilers. i am lucky to have friends who indulge me, despite several of them (and my partner) loving spoilers, some even needing to have an idea of what's going to happen to enjoy a story. and thats totally cool! i wont give up on a story or never decide to experience it if i do happen to see spoilers. the culture around spoilers in major media right now (marvel im looking at you) is frankly ridiculous! if a story is not interesting or enjoyable if spoiled, its a shit story. i could list a dozen stories that i still enjoyed even after seeing spoilers, despite being the most anal anti spoiler person i know

i just dont get it. i dont get why people think that their experiences SHOULD be universal. humanity is so varied and diverse and its fucking beautiful! shit would get boring as hell if everyone was the same.

[attemptsonherlifepdf]

bojack horseman and bo burnham: the art of acting like you’re acting and the comedy of misery

at the core of bojack horseman, raphael bob-waksberg’s 2014 comedy, is a story about the relationship between performance and depression. the protagonist of this renowned tragicomedy is best described as a sympathetic villain; he is shown to clearly be in the wrong across various events of the show, and is explicitly referred to as a bad person, but the audience is granted deep access to his personal struggles, resulting in some portions of the audience finding themselves on bojack’s side. the duality of his character is complex, but can be broken down into some core components, that all stem from the impacts of stardom and performance. the standup comedy of bo burnham arguably echoes this sentiment in real time. having been a performer from a young age, burnham creates work that serves as a satirical commentary on the life of entertainers. he uses original songs to explore the reliance upon and resentment for his performative nature both onstage and within his personal life. both the comedian and the netflix show are widely understood to be thinly veiling their critiques of the entertainment industry behind a particular brand of witty and absurd humour.

both bojack and burnham’s content openly criticises their audiences and explicitly states the manufactured nature of the narrative the audience is fed. in the fifth season of bojack horseman, the show satirises itself by having bojack star in a police procedural drama, parts of which are actively written by other characters to reflect events of bojack’s life. the titular character he plays, philbert, is the epitome of selfish male angst, and an example of what bob-waksberg’s show could have been; another story about a sad and angry man whose guilt supposedly makes up for the people he has hurt. according to bojack, philbert teaches us ‘we’re all terrible, so we’re all okay’, an interpretation that is harshly disputed by diane: ‘that’s not the point of philbert, for guys to watch it and feel okay. i dont want you, or anyone else, justifying their shitty behaviour because of the show.’ this moment is a direct reaction to some of the online reception bojack horseman has received. various circles of the show’s fanbase have found themselves relating to the protagonist to the point of defending his untoward behaviour, a response not intentioned by the show’s creators. this is not the only example of bob-waksberg’s ability to make his work self-evaluative. in season six’s exposure of bojack and sarah lynn’s problematic relationship, characters question their sexual encounter from the first season. the writers use this as a way of examining their own choices, and the harmful tropes they played into when using this exploitative sexual encounter as a gag. this self-evaluative quality is what sets bojack apart as a show that assesses the performance it participates in, much like the comedy of bo burnham.

bo burnham is known for directly addressing his audience, particularly in terms of discouraging idolisation and parasocial relationships. some examples of this manifest as responses to hecklers rather than a planned bit in the show, for instance:

heckler: i love you!

bo: no you don’t

heckler: i love the IDEA of you!

bo: stop participating!

he actively addresses the issues posed by being an entertainer, and encourages the audience to understand and recognise that his onstage persona is just that: an exaggerated persona. not once does burnham claim to be fully authentic onstage, and even moments of authenticity we see in his latest special, inside, are staged. we make the assumption that having the physical setting of a stage stripped away grants us a more personal look at the entertainer’s life, but he makes it clear that even in his own home we still see the aspects he has carefully constructed rather than the full truth. arguably though, parts of the show really are authentic; in his monologue during make happy, bo deconstructs his own show in a way that is similar to bojack horseman’s later seasons, admitting that all he knows is performing and thus making a show about the more mundane and relatable aspects of life would feel ‘incredibly disingenuous.’ in his attempts to separate himself from this onstage persona he actually manages to blur the lines between what is acting and what is now part of his nature as a result of his job. this notion is echoed in bojack horseman as bojack’s attention seeking nature is attributed to his years acting in front of a camera every day.

bo suggests that the era of social media has created a space in which children’s identities mimic that of an entertainer like himself, describing the phenomenon as ‘performer and audience melded together.’ in this observation he criticises the phenomenon. bo attempts to force the audience to recognise the ways in which their lives are becoming shaped by the presence of an audience and to some extent uses his own life as a warning tale against this. he points out the way in which the ‘tortured artist trope’ means that your cries for help or roundabout attempts of addressing mature themes such as substance abuse, mental illness and trauma become part of that on stage persona and therefore become part of the joke. both bo and bojack address these topics in more discrete manners earlier in their careers, but this eventually becomes expected, and thus they are forced to explicitly detail their struggles with these topics in order to be taken seriously. even then, portions of the audience are inclined to see it as part of the persona or as something that fuels the creators creativity and thus does not need to be addressed as a legitimate issue. the emphasis on creating a character or persona promotes the commodification of mental illness: any struggle must be made into a song or a joke or a bit, must be turned into part of the act in order to have value. this actually serves to delegitimise these emotions and create a disconnect between the feeling and the person, as it becomes near impossible to exist without feeling as though you are acting. even when an artist’s cries for help become blatant, they continue to go ignored because now they serve the purpose of creating content that criticises the industry they stem from. online audiences can be seen as treating bo burnham and his insightful work as existing to demonstrate the negative effects entertaining can have, and because this insight is useful or thought-provoking to audiences, he is almost demanded to keep entertaining and creating. in response to this demand, his work becomes more meta and his messages become clearer, and the more obvious his messages, the more people he reaches. this increases audience demands and traps entertainers in a cycle fraught with internal conflict.

during bojack’s second season, bojack’s date asks him, ‘come on, do that bojack thing where you make a big deal and everyone laughs, but at the same time we relate, because you're saying the things polite society won't.’ this moment exemplifies how aspects of his genuine personality have now become a part of his persona and this is demanded of him in genuine and serious situations, undermining the validity of his emotional reactions. he immediately makes a rude comment to the waitress at the restaurant they’re in and satisfies his date by performing that character he has set himself out to be. some circles of the fan base have argued that bojack is written as a depiction of somebody with borderline personality disorder, offering a psychoanalytical lens through which to view this notion of performance. a defining symptom of borderline personality disorder is a fluctuating sense of self; having grown up on camera, being demanded to perform to others as young as six years old, bojack’s sense of self will have been primarily dictated by the need to act.  whether this acting is for the sake of comedy, or as a representation of masking his mental illness, when they need to act is taken away bojack entirely loses his sense of self and relapses into his addictions: ‘i felt like a xerox of a xerox of a person.’ burnham’s depictions of depression run along a similar vein; in his new special he poses the idea that his comedy no longer serves the same personal purpose it once did for him. he questions ‘shit should I be joking at a time like this?’ and satirises the idea that arts have enough value to change or impact the current global issues that we are facing. burnham’s ‘possible ending song’ to his latest special, he asks ‘does anybody want to joke when no-one’s laughing in the background? so this is how it is.’ implicit in this question is the idea that when the audience is taken away and there is nobody to perform his pain to, he is left with his pain. instead of being able to turn his musings and thoughts into a product to sell to the public, he is forced to just think about them in isolation and actually face them, an abrupt and distressing experience.

the value of performance and art is questioned by both bojack and burnham, particularly during the later years of their respective content. burnham’s infamous song, art is dead, appears to be a direct response to the question ‘what is the worth of art?’ he posits that performing is the result of a need for attention (‘my drug’s attention, i am an addict, but i get paid to indulge in my habit’) and repeatedly jokes throughout his career that the entertainment industry receives more respect that it deserves (‘i’m the same as you, im still doing a job or a service, i’m just massively overpaid’). his revelations regarding the inherent desire for attention that runs through all entertainers is frequently satirised in bojack horseman. bojack is comically, hyperbolically attention hungry and self-obsessed, and the show has a running gag in which he uses phrases along the lines of ‘hello, why is nobody paying attention to me, the famous movie star, instead of these other boring people.’ his constant attempts to direct the focus of others towards himself result in bojack feeling like ‘everybody loves you, but nobody likes you.’ his peers buy into his act and adore the comical, exaggerated, laughable aspects of his character, but find very little room to respond to him on a genuinely personal level because of this. interestingly, bojack appears to enjoy catering to his audience and the instant gratification it produces, whereas bo burnham becomes increasingly candid about his mixed feeling towards his audience. ‘i wanna please you, but i wanna stay true to myself, i wanna give you the night out that you deserve, but i wanna say what i think and not care what you think about it.’ he admits to catering to what audiences want from him, but resents both the audience and himself in the process as it reveals to himself which parts of his character are solely for the sake of people watching him.

within bojack horseman, this concept is applicable not only to the protagonist, but to the various forms of performer demonstrated in the plot. towards the show’s end, sarah lynn asks ‘what does being authentic have to do with anything?’ to which herb kazzaz responds, ‘when i finally stopped hiding behind a facade i could be at peace.’ this highlights the fact that because entertainers are demanded to continue the facade, they do not receive the opportunity to find ‘peace.’ this sentiment is scattered throughout the show, through a musical motif, the song ‘don’t stop dancing.’ the song stems from a life lesson bojack imparted to sarah lynn at a young age, and becomes more frequently used as the show progresses and bojack’s situation worsens.

sarah lynn is also used to explore the value of entertainers; in the show’s penultimate episode, she directly compares her work as a pop icon to the charity work of herb, arguing that if she suffered in order to produce her work. it has to mean something. she lists the struggles she faced when on tour: ‘i gave my whole life...my manager leaked my nudes to get more tour dates added, my mom pointed out every carb i ate, it was hell. but it gave millions of fans a show they will never forget and that has to mean something.’ implicit in this notion is the idea that entertainment is the epitome of self-sacrifice. there is a surplus of mentally ill individuals within the industry, largely due to the nature of the industry itself, but some may argue that the cultural grip the industry has, and the vast amounts of respect and money it generates annually, gives the suffering of these prolific individuals meaning.

the juxtaposing responses entertainers feel towards their audiences manifest as two forms of desperation: the desperation to be an individual who is held accountable, and the desperation to be loved and validated. we see both bojack and bo depict how they oscillate between  ‘this is all a lie’ and ‘my affection for my audience is genuine’, or between ‘do not become infatuated with me im a character’ and ‘please fucking love my character i do not know how to be loved on a personal level.’ bojack explicitly asks diane to write a slam piece on him and ‘hold him accountable’, similar to bo’s song ‘problematic’ in which the hook includes the phrase ‘isn’t anybody gonna hold me accountable?’ for his insensitive jokes as a late teenager. their self-awareness is what enables their self-evaluative qualities, but self-awareness is its own issue. bojack grapples with a narcissistic view of his own recognition of his behaviour before settling on a more nuanced, albeit depressing take. originally he makes the assumption that in recognising the negative aspects of himself, he is superior to those who behave similarly: ‘but i know im a piece of shit. that makes me better than all the pieces of shit that don’t know theyre pieces of shit.’ eventually, during his time at rehab he is forced to reconcile with the fact that self awareness does not, to put it bluntly, make you the superior asshole, it just makes you the more miserable one. the show does, however, make a point to recognise how the entertainment industry protects ‘pieces of shit’, prioritising their productive value over how much they deserve to be held accountable, demonstrated using characters like hank hippopoalus. the show itself obviously stems from the entertainment industry, as it is a form of media produced by netflix, one of the most popular streaming platforms available. bojack horseman and bo burnham represent the small corner of the industry that is reflective enough to showcase the damage it inflicts. this is powerful in terms of education and awareness, and urges audiences to question their own motives and versions of performance, but the reflection alone is not powerful enough to help the artists in question. burnham’s candid conversations surrounding his mental health continue to reveal a plethora of issues somewhat caused or sustained by the nature of his career. within bojack horseman, bojack is only able to stop hurting other characters when those characters construct a situation that forces him to face consequence, his introspection alone is not enough. while bojack ends on a message of hope, suggesting to the audience that reverting back to the status quo is not the only acceptable way for events to end, it leaves stinging lessons and social commentary with the audience regarding the unnatural and damaging narrative that performers live through. on a similar but markedly different note, bo burnham’s work and personal progression is playing out in real time, and not in a way that is as raw and genuine as it appears. each bit is planned, even the most vulnerable moments that appear unplanned and painful. his latest special is not entirely devoid of hope, but does translate to audiences as a somewhat exaggerated look around the era of social media and the development of performance, using himself as an example.

the absurdist humour that often acts as a vehicle for poignant statements or emotionally provocative questions is very specific to each media creator. bob-waksberg’s use of puns, tongue twisters and entirely ridiculous circumstances served to simultaneously characterise his points as an expected part of the show’s style of humour, similar to bojack’s emotional instability, but also to make them appear gut-punching in comparison to the humour. burnham’s work is similar in that poignant but blunt statements are often sandwiched between absurd and exaggerated jokes, making them stand out via contrast but not giving the audience too much time to dwell upon them as they are said. performance art is second nature to entertainers, and is presented a an issue that is infiltrating the general population via social media rather than solely affecting the ‘elites’. bojack horseman and bo burnham present the duality of artists simultaneously attempting to level the playing field and increase their chances of survival in the industry, and encourage audiences to know that everyone is bluffing and you’ll never have the right cards anyway.

i.k.b

[thebarbaricbeast]

astro notes mini cause im in the middle of a zoom meeting....part 3

Aries in a Virgo degree especially in the inner planets could get easily irritated or mad

mercury in Scorpio have long term memory mercury in Gemini have short term memory.....just an observation

aquarius placements are bad bitches they probably started planning their business at 12 years old. and they are so excited to move out of the house lol they just want their independence...

moon in the 3rd house culture is deciding to wake up because the any electronic is on, the smell of food, guests over, just stimulation. if there is no stimulation or uniqueness from the day before they probably wont get out of bed same with mars/moon in Gemini, Aquarius moon, mars/moon in Sagittarius and mars/moon in libra

Lilith is the moon's errors and inaccuracy in its orbit which creates this dark feminine energy opposite the moon which is the divine receptive and submissive feminine. Lilith rebels against being submissive and receptive and dependable. the moon's faults are very unpredictable and are not foreseeable or calculated by observers this is what make Lilith so unpredictable and hard to maintain. the moon and Lilith naturally makes a square but if the moon and Lilith are in signs that makes an easy aspect this will smoothen the square. if there is a square and opposition on top of that then it will create an arena where the devil and god are at war meaning the dark feminine is at war with the "angelic" and divine feminine. This becomes the most powerful aspect Lilith can have. im gonna stop there lol this post is getting too long.....

having libra placement with some impulsive placements is very hard to maintain. libra is naturally passive aggressive but a aspect like "moon aspect pluto or moon to the mars" can have outbursts of outrage that no one saw coming

woman with harsh venus-jupiter aspect can be extremely frugal with money or extremely careless meaning they could buy the whole mall lol

venus in Sagittarius usually listen to an extreme of something for example extreme rap or rock if aspecting the moon they could skip songs alot

saggittarians with alot of pluto aspects or scorpio placements could have a "dont fuck with my freedom" vibe

i think taurus are the best actors. they have the ability to fabricate intense energy to act or perform

Pluto in the 12th house people could impact people for generations its like all people who are born will have a fundamental understanding on this person..ex: marilyn monroe

Lilith Aries/Aquarius culture is wearing red to a funeral

vesta is another feminine asteroid i like to think of it as mars and venus together with some Neptune........its a feminine spiritual flame that allows your to acquire goals.she relates to spiritual practices,work and devotion

Vesta being involved with Pluto could be seen in witchcraft or could be this edgy type of feminine

Scorpio risings with Jupiter aspects could be very intimidating they usually have a long nose...

i see alot of taurus that are veryyyyyy edgy like emo clothing and black and red orrrr ......just very simple clothing lol

mercury in aspect to asteroid sappho is a person that is very very good with their words they can lure people in with just a breath from their lips

sappho in aspect to Lilith is more of a captivating sexual nature.very sexually creative and if in hard aspect it could create someone that is excessively self indulgent in expressing their sexually or has trouble expressing their sexual side or it can be using their attraction to absorb negative things they could use to manipulate people(the opposite sex) to get what they want

moon in hard aspect with the ascendant are incredibly good at lying

they say Capricorn,scorpio,leo, and aries are more favorable placements for the midheaven although it willl do well i think Aquarius,libra,pisces and saggitaurius are very great too. aquarius relates to Independence, ideas, communities, and humans this is very good for a person that makes huge impact on the world. libra relates to justice, peace, relationships, and love/romance. i have never seen a libra mc native who was not welll liked unless there are harsh aspects affecting it. these people can really be anyone they want to be ..as president they could restore justice and peace and they could be huge business owners since libra is a cardinal sign which are known as the executives. everybody is attracted to these people and ive seen it could succeed in doctors too. pisces mcs are just amazing they help so much and they help the underdogs they are what keeps our communities alive. Sagittarius are the best leaders preferably in the midheaven they can lead nations and teach and inspire tons of people. they strive for knowledge and expand horizons and lands. they could expand countries as leaders and they could restore education. virgos mc are one of my faves too they are opposite pisces mc who are more inclined in the arts. they see the more practical approach in helping people. no matter what they have in their birth charts this placement will compel them to serve the world.

fortune conjunct jupiter in the birth chart is very important. it is a strong indicator of some type of success in life but the person has to go through long journeys to arrive there and pick up great knowlege.

lilith square the ascendant people might have strange marks or scars on their body that they never knew were there from time to time

mars square the ascendant might have had an ingury to remember as a child Pluto conjunct the ascendant in Sagittarius too

moon in a fire sign really crave a partner that is patient, understanding and really good with money.

i think Lilith in libra is the most dangerous Lilith sign because they are frighteningly charming. what they tend to is make people fall in love with them then impose them in a very manipulative way to express their undying love for them.if they feel that the love is not enough they leave the person in search for another men/woman or continue to manipulate the person into doing so. they do this to make themselves feel better because of an experience they will face or have faced in their life they feel the need for a partner to love them and if they dont feel its enough they will leave...unless they actually like this person but it happens......very manipulative in relationships. this would probably be the most unbalanced libra placement.

moon harsh aspect juno either attracts very emotional partners or partners that are emotionally absent....might be on their phones during dates alot lol

pluto harsh aspect to juno attract partners that want to control them...very jealous and protective

scorpio in the 4th house people are veryyyyy protective and they might be parents who teach their kids "the hard way"...they might have seaky children and children who are distant or children that are very clingy ...they know everything their child is thinking at all times...

every water moon hated going to school as a child( like kindergarten or pre-k) cause they didn't want their mommy to leave..probably frequent calls because they wanted "mommy" to come pick them up or really hates leaving their mom and entering school alone.

pluto in the 5th house people probably lost their virginity at a young age or just done something.....not good as a child...like steal a car etc

venus in the 8th/scorpio might be tempted to be exotic dancers lol or leo/libra in the 8th

sun in the 8th house people have the potential to be really really funny and entertaining. they probably have so much to say and are born with a natural confidence...they give me like god(but underworld) vibes and they are not afraid to put someone in their place. they would probably be involved in drama or just not care at all. (in school)......they have anger issues lol

child i just have to say that Sagittarius guys can be jerks....but not all of them but most of them lol

if you ever meet a immature scorpio you should probably run they will ruin your life...veryyyyy manipulative and they can be liars...verrry jealous........"if i cant have you know one can vibe" in a relationship.

scorpio risings can do weird thing with their bodies like with their tongues or fingers etc

venus square the ascendant people probably have this one feature that they really hate on their body.....

moon in water signs people tend to lie alot when it comes to situations with emotional pressure especially if this is in a air degree.

ive noticed that alot of people are jealous of leo risings

jupiter in the 1st house people love attention. they shower in it and they can do reckless things in in the middle of the spotlight

people with moon in Sagittarius probably had a mother that let the dad take charge or gave the kid space to explore life. Sagittarius moons probably went through alot.

[racketballz]

Same anon. I'm now curious about the ppg in their respective decades. Like wdyt they'd even wear? Or how would they style their hair?? Pls share your thoughts. I would love to read them!

That’s actually one of my dream projects to do! I’m not even close to being able to execute it but yeah! I don’t know exactly like what’s what yet like I don’t have visual examples I can show you of like specific stylings but blossom has always gave me 80s movie girlboss with the shoulder pads and powerhouse in the work place smashing through the glass ceiling with ease. She as an absolute power over a room whether it be in the work place or otherwise I think just in general these are icons that I think about when I think about blossom. Like you can’t tell her shit because of her humble origins but shes super intelligent and has a good heart but also she’s the boss ya know (any film with Julia roberts honestly) and I just want her to be in a fun situation because she also takes herself far too seriously so I think that would play Fairly interestingly into her clothes! Also blossoms has a lot of hair and I can make it big as shit I think that blossom would fair well in a corporate setting just so she can tell people what to do and be in her element so pant suits and stuff vests uhh older pads that aren’t too egregious LMAO

Bubbles on the other hand I have no idea what exactly she would wear I haven’t watched a lot of 70s movies or media that isn’t music but that being said I’ve listen to A LOT of 70s music and funk and disco (discos kinna scary tho there are a lot of stuff that comes with disco clubbing that’s messy and i just want her to look all cute LOL) and I think that she would look really cute with the styling of club wear or like roller rink stuff! I think it would look super cute because it’s truly a leisure time hanging out with friends and dancing and community and also the clothes are a large part of the performance of going out to those places so coordinated outfits crazy textures and colors (not flower power tho don’t let anyone tell you flower power was apart of the 70s it was apart of the 60s 😤) and also like the clothes are flirty and gay and fun which is bubbles ya know

I did blossom first because I was excited about hers conceptually but buttercup is very simple I simply wanna dress her in grunge clothes and I want her to be on stage 😐 very simple pure indulgence I do think buttercup is a little clean for grunge so I think that it would be interesting if she were to toss between normal people clothes and alternative styling but yeah I dont even have pictures for this or an example I can find but you know grunge