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mbti-notes · 2 months

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Anon wrote: Hello, I'm INTJ. I have limited social network. At work or family friends etc I come across many people and I do the needful which is required socially. But deep down, I feel very lonely. I crave for certain connection based on interest, authenticity but that doesn't happen easily.

It is very difficult to find someone with interest like mine. I'm very bore person that way. Though, for sake of socializing, I try to learn something about topics of common interests, it keeps me unsatisfied. There are few groups, social media but it cannot replace human connection

Recently, I started reading quotes from poet Rumi and it is giving me some sort of peace im looking for

I just thought to write in here, is this related to personality or any other thing. What can be solution. Thanks in advance!

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Statistics show that loneliness is a growing epidemic in modern societies. Loneliness can feel like a troubling void inside, and many lonely people fantasize about finding that one special person to fill it. Not only is this a myopic approach to the problem, but to expect one person to fulfill all your social needs is a big burden to place upon their shoulders.

Contrary to popular belief, having similar interests is only one of many possible ways to build a friendship. It's actually not always the most important factor for friendship compatibility, so hyperfocusing on it might be detrimental to your search. Being Ni dom, you are in the minority, so it's understandable to feel out of place or misunderstood. However, keep in mind that a person need not have the exact same interests as you in order to understand you; they only need to be an empathetic person with good social skills.

Loneliness is more complex than finding one special friend. There are many factors that could lead to a person ending up lonely, so you'll have to dig deeper to discover which factors affect you the most. Common factors include:

1) Personal Issues (that usually present as passivity, indifference, ambivalence, laziness): What you basically said is that you expect great relationships to happen while only putting in minimal effort to build them. Would you want to be friends with someone like that, i.e., someone who refuses to invest anything unless they are guaranteed what they want in return? You say you're very lonely and want a better social life, yet your mechanical "dutiful" behavior sends out an unwelcoming vibe. Is it reasonable to expect others to care about you when you can't express any genuine care for them?

The first step of making good friends is learning how to BE a good friend. This could relate to function development in that your expectations aren't realistic (immature Ni) and you haven't yet learned the lesson of "you reap what you sow" (immature Te).

"You reap what you sow" is very fitting when it comes to relationship building (both romantic and platonic). New people are unknown entities. People are complicated and contain multitudes, so you have to spend enough quality time with them in order to learn who they really are and make a sound judgment about long term compatibility. Studies have been done on this and, on average, it takes at least a few months or a couple hundred hours of effort to turn an acquaintance into a good friend.

Too often, people make snap judgments based on a "gut feeling" or the nebulous concept of "chemistry", which leads them to cut off the potential for relationships to grow and develop over time. In most cases, when you're dealing with normal everyday people, the judgment of long term compatibility shouldn't be very easy to make. If you believe it's easy, it could be an indication that you're too superficial or judgmental, which is a form of self-sabotage.

Have you been open and honest with people about wanting more friends? Have you been proactive and assertive in putting out "invitations" to build friendship? Can you honestly say that you've given people enough of a chance? Can you honestly say that you've made every effort to take advantage of opportunities to develop friendships with the people you've known throughout life?

If you've answered "no" to the above, then there's something about you that needs to change. Perhaps there's a blockage inside you. If you're unable to figure out what exactly is preventing you from succeeding in relationships, consider working with a therapist to get to the bottom of it. Willingness to work on oneself is an essential ingredient to getting better at relationships.

2) Poor Social Skills: Some people aren't able to take advantage of friendship opportunities due to not knowing how to socialize. Ideally, people learn to socialize well in childhood and adolescence, but there are many reasons why social development doesn't go as expected. Fortunately, whatever the reason behind poor social skills, it is a solvable problem. Social skills are called "skills" because they can be improved through learning, study, and practice. I have already written about it and recommended books on the resources page.

Introverts tend to sit around waiting for things to happen rather than making things happen. You have to ask yourself how badly you want something. If you want it badly enough, you should have the motivation to do what it takes to get it. "No input, no output" is something healthy Te should understand very well.

Imagine you went to a party, social gathering, or a conference where you only knew a handful of people out of a hundred attendees. What would you do? Most people (and almost all introverts) would stick close to the people they already knew, using the known group to cautiously explore the strangers. Few people would make it their mission to meet each and every new person. Even fewer people could insert themselves into already established social groups and quickly carve out their own space, position, or role. Yet it can be done. Excellent socializers exist and they can make friends everywhere they go, no matter the occasion.

I've known many great socializers and they have certain things in common. Socializing well requires the ability to drum up courage, since you constantly have to face down the possibility of rejection. It requires good conversational skills that allow you to join seamlessly into discussions and express yourself in a way that is both authentic and well-received. It requires resilience and not taking failure personally, so that you can quickly recover and try try again. Most importantly, it requires an attitude of openness, trust, and a willingness to be vulnerable.

Openness means being able to see and take advantage of every good possibility. Great socializers don't put all their eggs in one basket and look for only one person to fulfill all their social needs (which is unreasonable). Rather, they throw open every door in order to get a good look at each person they encounter, which creates a variety of ways to get everyone's social needs met.

Trust means giving people the benefit of the doubt and being relaxed enough to go with the flow. Great socializers don't hold back or try to control social situations (which reveals insecurity). Rather, they really believe in people and try to access the positive aspects in every social situation.

A willingness to be vulnerable means being able to express yourself freely and naturally. Great socializers don't expect people to understand each other right away (which is unrealistic). Rather, they make themselves as approachable and relatable as possible in order to maximize the opportunities for deeper emotional connection. They proactively work to understand and fulfill people's needs in order to encourage reciprocation.

If you find yourself in a pattern of being unable to get past acquaintanceship, then you might need to improve your social skills and nurture the qualities in yourself that make you a more attractive candidate for friendship. It's not about turning yourself into someone you're not but about doing more to enhance and express the positive attributes you already possess, as well as learning how to bring them out in others. Everyone has positive attributes but not everyone knows how to express them and put them to good use. You should be using them to signal to people that you have something meaningful to offer in a friendship.

3) Unfavorable Environment: There is no doubt that some environments are better than others for meeting new friends. For instance, a small town where everyone already knows each other isn't going to present many new opportunities. The workplace isn't always great either, if it's the kind of soulless environment where people only show up to get paid.

When you live in a place without much friendship opportunity, you have to be proactive and either i) create more opportunity or ii) go to where there are more opportunities. For example, if you live in a small town, maybe you need to give people a second or third look to make sure that you haven't misjudged them. Or if you're finding people with similar interests online, the next step would be to meet them in real life, or at least speak rather than just text.

It is very limiting and even small-minded to approach loneliness as merely an individual problem. One reason modern societies suffer more from loneliness is that they've constructed an environment that doesn't foster and even discourages connections between people. For example, living in an individualistic and WEIRD society like the US, people often strive to be independent, live in detached houses, and set up private life to have as little interaction with the public as possible. Then they turn around and wonder why they feel empty or disconnected.

Loneliness can't be completely resolved on the individual level because there are larger factors that influence the trajectory of everyone's lives. When you don't take these larger factors into consideration, whatever solution you find at the individual level is going to feel like a band-aid. People often settle for whatever friendship they can get, but if you really want to shake loneliness for good, you also need a community to belong to. This is what it really means to have a social support network.

Imagine what it would be like if you were in trouble and a whole village of people was willing to come to your aid? This would only be possible if every member of the village took their membership seriously - not just out of "duty" but also out of care. Be a member of something larger than yourself. It means caring about things that don't always directly relate back to you. It means taking responsibility for more than just yourself. It means nurturing a willingness to be of service to more than just your own desires.

Do you know why many soldiers aren't able to reintegrate back into civilian life after going to war? During the war, they were forced to join a very tight-knit community where everyone was responsible for each other's survival. All of their time was spent on service and contribution to a greater goal. Those social bonds were so strong and their sense of purpose was so constantly reinforced that returning to civilian life felt extremely isolating and empty.

The heart of loneliness isn't just about not having close friends, it's equally about not having a strong connection to society. Remedy this by getting more involved in your local community, e.g., through volunteering for organizations that you believe in or joining clubs with interesting activities. No matter where you are, there are always opportunities to get involved as well as worthy causes you could contribute your time and energy to. By making yourself properly useful, you'll be resolving a major cause of loneliness: lack of purpose. What do you believe in? What do you stand for? Instead of this endless search for one special friend, why not make it easier for friends to find you through a meaningful social identity?

#intj #friendship #social skills #community #social support network #social identity #ask #loneliness

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evelynpr · 2 years

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How IN LOVE are the Genshin cast with the Traveler? An ANALYSIS of the cast's affinity for them based on voice lines, events and other media!

This goes for both Aether and Lumine, and even Paimon occasionally for the friendship/family tier! If there is anyone or smth I missed please feel free to add I love studying character relationships!!! Of course you are free to interpret these differently, or see it as "something more" if you wish hehe ;)

Lowest Tier : Friendly-er

These characters are here because they are not the type to have many friends, but traveler is special to them, not romantically

Raiden Ei - I interpret their relationship as one that is trying to build a stable friendship, but still recovering from past events slowly. Ei has done a lot of harm both directly and indirectly at the traveler, but has gone through the events of the quest to re-center herself in which the Traveler helped greatly. Deeply thankful is what I'm lead to believe, but casual is still iffy because of Ei's acts of cutting off all close connections in the past.

Shenhe - She is very protective of the traveler, because they were her earliest friends (yes Paimon too) and her story does revolve around her learning to fight for others (I find their friendship very sweet, but not romantic at all since Shenhe has a much longer way to go in understanding social relationships) (I'm kinda surprised I've never seen someone ship this romantically actually-)

Diluc - Definition of a Gentleman when it comes to the traveler. He always offers his support, gives his hand-picked grape juice to them for free, etc. He always sees them in high regard and trusts them greatly (but you could probably say he does the same for Kaeya, Jean, Adelinde, Elzer, basically anyone he sees as family)

Ningguang - She says herself that she keeps her friends few because of the dangers her enemies pose on those who are close to her, but as Liyue's protector she puts great trust in the traveler. Her hangout imo shows that she generally trusts us more than a business partner but as a friend (very wholesome, but nothing more than that and that's cool!)

Razor - Traveler is Lupical. Razor is inherently very protective of the people he cares about because of feeling like he failed to protect his lupical in the past (I believe that's the story behind his vision). So obviously it is not romantic, but his interactions with the Traveler, Paimon, his family and friends are just so special and heartwarming especially in his latest event (SO SWEET I LOVE FOUND FAMILY)

!! SPOILER FOR WANDERER'S STORY QUEST !!

Scaramouche/Wanderer/babygirl/whatever you named him - He clearly doesn't have that many companions (or even any at all), even less those who he shows any sign of vulnerability to. Personally I see it as one of the most interesting traveler relationships in the game yet because they both do not fully trust each other, nor fully accept the other as a friend, but because of him revealing his trauma and past to him, and also the traveler also revealing a part of their own mind and longing, they have an understanding of each other like no one else does. (I do not see this as romantic, but more like a camaraderie which may lead to a deeper connection in the future)

Side note: Most of the playable cast are friends with the traveler, I point out these people specifically because they don't show vulnerability often, or already have other of friends so these relationships have another level of importance to the character.

Middle Tier : Flirty~

These guys are sweet talkers, may or may not be into the traveler

Kaeya - He kinda just talks like that if you ask me. He genuinely cares for the traveler and the other Knights and his family, but his language is just one of the ways he puts on his persona (As Razor would put it, his "fake smile")

Lisa - "Hey cutie-" makes me feel things, ok. Other than that though, nothing tells me she's into the traveler any more than a flirty way? I mean she appreciates them for their skills and support but I think it ends there?

Kazuha - man is a sweet talker honestly. Of course he also cares for the traveler deeply, but his poetic and colorful language is from his own nature, and the traveler generally has a special presence (His language IS very pretty if you ask me haha) (I feel some would say its more *suggestive* than others so that's up to you already lmao)

If there's anyone else you think has a rather *flavorful* way of speaking to the traveler, please do let me know :> If you think these have deeper meaning though, that would be interesting

Above Average Tier : Very sweet, could be something more?

Pseudo-canon material (the comics and hangouts are great man)

Thoma - You give him flowers in his hangout, and in another ending he gives you his omamori which is very sentimental to him. Thoma is generally an incredibly sweet person, so interpret it as you please haha <3

Heizou - This is pretty romantic if you ask me (depending on your taste). He keeps saying how much he wants you to be his "partner" (technically in the investigation sense), and has dialogue about how he feels comfortable around you, it's very sweet and has potential. Not to mention "Traveler, you are so dreamy~" (I swear this guy is 80% fanservice but do you see people complaining?)

Noelle - Her hangout was really adorable, it had a very innocent and young long vibe throughout it and it's just cuteness overload :> (What I would call a babyship)

Childe - Chilumi (not counting Aether) is basically canon in one of the side comedy comics, but in game, it's implied they do battle for fun, traveler does still keep their guard up around him, but his story quest shows he puts great trust in the traveler despite their differences.

Highest Tier : VERY interested, in love even

These are all in game, and pretty canon events (Teapot lines may still be questioned on how canon they are, but further reinforce the mindsets and affinity for the traveler these characters have) (of course it still has headcanon and my own stupid simp heart but bear with me okay?)

Albedo - He always talks abt how interested he is in you (not just scientifically anymore lmao), and suggested for you to live (totally not with him) in Dragonspine. He also trusts them more than others quite explicitly. He is, I believe, deeply enamored by them because of their kindness, strength, intelligence and reliability because the traveler is the person he is most comfortable with. They are the reason he wants to interact with others more as well (Shadows Amidst Snowstorms +Teapot highlights this). The teapot lines are just the icing on the cake, man is making a MOVE on the traveler for REAL by asking him out and showing how he wants to spend more time with them.

Xiao - I feel like despite how common this pair is, it's quite overlooked just how much Xiao trusts and admires the traveler. Xiao is very sensitive about people calling him by his name to use it to control him (that is what his old master did to him) so the fact that he tells only the traveler (not just suggest mind you) to call him anywhere anytime using HIS NAME, are massive displays of vulnerability, trust and protectiveness. (I believe that protection is his main way of showing affection because others are currently an anomaly to him) Xiao also both literally and emotionally feels a calming presence around them because of their healing ability and kindness. He also just can't say no to them, and wants to understand the traveler more even if it means in partaking in "dumb human activities"

Ayaka - She sees so much freedom and beauty in the traveler it is so sweet, and it's quite obvious how much she wants to spend time and be closer with the traveler emotionally (maybe I am just a simp but please she is so tender and sincere) It is also mentioned repeatedly how much she talks about them in very high regard. Once again the teapot lines are just the sugary coat on top with "May I...hold your hand?" being one of them (I screamed like I just won 50/50 in one pull with that line)

!! SMALL SPOILER TO WANDERER'S STORY QUEST !!

The old lady of the Kamisato Estate also mentions how thrilled Ayaka is every time they're around, and also talked about how talented and admirable they are. She also implied that they are Ayaka's "Knight in Shining Armor" and that she talks about them all the time. Idk if you need anymore convincing at this point of how much Ayaka likes the traveler after that.

SIDE NOTE : I find it refreshing and fascinating how the genders actually seem quite mixed and what relationships characters have with the traveler are varied. I really appreciate the writing team for the amount of detail they put into them!

AND THAT'S IT FOR NOW!!! This is my longest post yet soooo THANK YOU SO MUCH IF YOU MADE IT THIS FAR AND ACTUALLY READ THIS!!

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donnerpartyofone · 2 months

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I'm on your Tumblr because we used to be mutuals, but I'm more of a lurker these days and I've remade several times under different handles and understand exasperation/hesitation at refollowing. I'm sincerely not trying to bait anything here, it's just that I've been depressed for the majority of 2024, and I think a really bad habit I've fallen into is not expressing gratitude to those who have a genuine impact on me. I'm sorry if this is uncanny and too parasocial. I have always admired how incredibly self-possessed and well-spoken/read/watched/cultured you are. I get an older sibling vibe from you that I never had growing up. You are one of the smarter people in the room for me. Sorry I'm sending this on anon, you don't have to publish it, in fact I hope you don't! I think you're one of the best blogs on this site and many things you have posted/blogged about have caused me to dig deeper within myself. In recent times, I appreciate that you force a situationally depressed individual (me) to challenge themselves for the better, if that makes sense. I'm sorry if this is disturbing!

[posted with permission] Man I have not been able to wake up all day for some reason and I owe some writing tomorrow, so this is actually a really helpful warmup exercise to try to get myself moving/thinking. I really appreciate this. I think your idea about expressing gratitude is really important and it's something I've been trying to do also, though maybe in a broader sense, like if I see a really inspiring movie (or whatever) I try to follow the impulse to write to the filmmaker and tell them. In my mind there's this invisible wall between creators and "fans" and that's usually fake; it's very likely that the people who made some of your favorite media are not rich, their futures are not secure, and they don't even necessarily know how their work has affected people. Worst case scenario they don't write you back, but only a snob would be actually bothered, and sometimes you even make a friend. I think the same principle can be applied to, you know, bloggers or whoever. Certainly I run this blog for myself first and foremost and I don't think I would or could stop even if absolutely no one was paying attention--it's a real compulsion and I think it's reasonably healthy to find ways to be in conversation with yourself--but it's valuable to know when you've been understood by anyone at all.

Not to make it weird but in Hebrews I think there's that verse, "If today you hear the voice of God, harden not your heart." That's really powerful outside the bounds of religion. To me it means, when you get that shred of energy or inspiration that says "I could do the dishes right now," do them immediately before you can talk yourself out of it! When you get that little spark that is so easily snuffed out by overthinking and taking that dangerous minute to round up excuses, that spark that you might be able to do the laundry, send the letter, watch the tough movie you're "never in the mood" for, pick up the book instead of watching TV, take a fucking walk, whatever it is: if you practice surrendering to these impulses immediately, almost without deciding, your life can really start to expand. Actually I believe it literally keeps your brain alive, to keep making it process new information, even if it seems trivial or you don't fully feel like it. But anyway a lot of us don't follow the impulse to say to someone "Hey, I think you're doing a good job" because it's so easy to imagine lots of different reasons they won't like it. But honestly that's unlikely (as long as you're not demanding something in return), and if someone responds poorly to that then chances are they're kind of an asshole.

(I mean sometimes I fail to respond to a message or an obvious social cue but it's usually because I just get overwhelmed by other parts of life and/or I'm not extremely skilled in forming and maintaining connections in any normal way. But it's rare that somebody has tried to reach out to me and I was like secretly hating them for it.)

Depression is really hard to talk about--I mean it's easy to VENT about, but it can be hard to converse about. There's that (American?) thing where you feel like no one should say anything that isn't *CEO voice* solution-oriented, and that's when people either avoid the topic entirely or react with all kinds of unwelcome and/or irrational advice. I have the illusion of being all full of wisdom on this because I've been severely depressed since I was really little and obviously there's something wrong with my whole operating system, but one of my best friends--who is not naturally depressive--is in such a bad way and it's not her fault and possibly there is no way out for real, and of course I have the urge to pump her up and keep her afloat, but if I'm too positive it will be totally dishonest. I have to split the difference between cheering her up and like, not lying to her. I'd be a total hypocrite if I denied her the understanding and acknowledgement of darkness that I myself always want and rarely get. It's hard, but on the individual basis it's useful to try to map the nature of your own depression and notice how it operates; just observe and take notes even if you can't see a way to control it right now. It sounds like you're doing some of that, there is a lot of dignity in that activity.

These are my thoughts off the cuff, with any luck they provoke something useful. Now I feel like I'm finally ready to shower and have ill-advised beverages and do my stupid homework assignment. Thank you for your thoughts, and the helpful prompt, and I hope you have a good day and/or night, for real.

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transhawks · 2 years

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I've been wondering about this for some time now, but how did Dabi figure out who Hawks' mother was? I'll admit i don't remember the details of the manga very well, but when i watched the new season that came out, it seemed to me the plan Re-Destro came up with to plant spies into the Comission failed after the HPSC lured him out and he killed its president. Is that explained in the manga at all? Or perhaps i misunderstood it?🤔🤔🤔

Please take this with a grain of salt. I have a feeling we'll be actually told why eventually, because Hawks remarks on it manga-wise.

For now, here's my best guess:

Dabi was obsessed with his own father. I have no doubt that he was incredibly obsessed with watching his father's fights and likely did so after his death, though this would have been when he was still young, likely when Natsuo was a very young baby.

It seems that the Thief Takami fight was like...memorable somehow. And given he was a murderer, not just a thief, it's clear that Keigo's dad had notoriety.

I think Dabi might have recognized the red feathers as similar to the feathers on Takami's arms and just decided to go on a hunch because Hawks's lack of biographical info is weird, actually. The thing about investigation and any avenue of trying to gather info about a person's motives, it's important to leave no unturned stones.

Anyway, so, when you have a hunch, you look into it, right?

Let's be a bit clear on some stuff:

Thief Takami was a two-man team. Tomie was clearly helping him in certain ways. It's implied that he relies on her for finding jobs and this might be linked to her quirk. There's other strange wording around that whole chapter that make me suspect she had absolutely fascinating propensity for tracking people.

We're also not sure what he did prior to having to hide with her. Perhaps he had a team, etc. Dude wasn't like a one off criminal, clearly, and that means he had connections.

So, uh, what does this mean? Well, let's think about it this way: Dabi has a lot of reach now. Giran, the many PLF members, etc. Imagine he starts asking about Thief Takami, seeing if Giran has any contacts who knew the man prior to his arrest and maybe even after, in jail. Maybe Takami mentioned in trial documents or something that he had help though never elaborated, etc.

There's just a lot of possibilities and areas where someone might have found out he had a criminal partner and possibly a first name.

The thing is, and the HPSC were kind of dumb for this, it doesn't seem like they changed her first name. There are quirk databases. I doubt the tech skills of the PLF wouldn't able to get into one of these. Then you look for anyone who matches - eye quirk, surveilence, age range, etc. Of course if you have a name, you put it in even if it seems it's a long shot that she'd still be using it.

(she was)

My view is the HPSC simply didn't cover their tracks well-enough when it came to Keigo's background. Likely it was just a bit less important than the other shit they do cover up. Tomie's quirk was in a quirk database, her first name likely the same, if you knew what you were looking for, cross enough names in your list to check them out. It's possible she wasn't the only woman approached by Dabi and Dabi's people, by the way, but he eventually found her.

Until we get confirmation otherwise, that's been what I think might be the most understandable explanation. When you are able to have a wide reference point of info and willing to dig deeper, you can find out a lot. I'm fairly good at social media stalking stuff myself through this sort of method myself.

#asks #takami keigo #hawks #ukai tomie #thief takami #takami tomie

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long-distance-love · 5 months

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Hi! I'm in desperate need of help since I can't talk about this with nobody else. I've been in a long distance relationship for 5 years now, she's almost graduating in college in another country. I miss her terribly and I've been feeling pretty lonely for a long time. She is very caring and loves me very much. We are each other's first girlfriend. I love her but the distance during these 5 years made me do needy.

She has an older sister, amazing as she is, we live in the same city and she's also my type. So, since last year I developed a crush on her and this is killing me. She had a few bad relationships herself and I always thought I wish I could be someone she would fall for and i would give her my heart and soul If i was single. And she just got into another relationship.

How could I forget about her sister if she's bound to be in my life? I'm afraid this feeling might destroy my relationship in the future. I keep having these fantasies. I feel like shit. Please advise!

Hey Nonny,

You're understandably going through a lot at the moment... Benny and I had a long discussion about your ask over coffee this morning, so here's our two cents. The main topics I'll center our reply around are Fantasising, Idealisation (in LDR), Needs in a relationship, & Tough love from us (which is more of a personal opinion and can be totally ignored by you if you like!) We know it's a lot, so we've summed everything up before delving deeper into topics (detailed answer is under the cut).

Good luck figuring things out!

-Danny

TLDR

Determine what your needs are and make sure they're being met (if this is too tough alone, recruit a friend or potentially even the help of a therapist)

Decide whether you love your girlfriend and can stay in a committed, honest relationship with her, or otherwise stop stringing her along

Crushes and fantasies are normal, but indulging them for so long is not - it's a choice and I know you know it as well deep down

You're only crushing on others because you're not dating them. If you were dating them, you would be crushing on someone else. (Which seems like an unhealthy pattern that you should break into.)

Your main objective in an LDR (aside from working hard on maintaining the flame, love, caring and intimacy) is to resolve the distance. If you're not working on it, then the whole relationship is most likely doomed and will fall apart sooner or later. (Even if it would take years for you to be finally living together, you need plans and you need to communicate that you want that future together)

Be a decent person and don't ruin two sisters' relationship. You simply have no right to do that. Forget about her sister even if you decide to break up with her.

Fantasising

So I think we can all agree that we all have eyes, and we all notice attractive and beautiful people, regardless of our relationship status. We also form new friendships and connections, which is good for us because a relationship shouldn't prohibit you from social interactions. However, I find it deeply unsettling how you talk about your fantasies and I think you need to be more honest with yourself here. You make your urge to fantasise out to be this uncontrollable, terrible force that you simply cannot stop... Or can you? Being in a long, committed relationship is a choice. You choose, every single day, to be faithful to your partner. This is obviously even more difficult in an LDR. Whether or not you entertain these fantasies is also a choice. Healthier ways to cope with your urge to fantasise would be consuming romance novels or media that resonates with you; creating something you can pour your emotions into (i.e. write or paint); scheduling in romantic dates with your partner and rekindle the flame (yes, it works even over videocalling); planning a visit or a holiday together.

Idealisation in LDR

I've spoken in length on this blog about how often we idealise our partner in an LDR, or in the early stages of a relationship, or even a crush, and the reason why we do that is quite simple. Our partner is not yet part of our daily routine and we don't know everything about them. We happily overlook things that we don't like in favour of their positive attributes. The same thing can happen when you have a crush on someone. You don't essentially know the person, you create this perfect image in your head. They're also a novelty, they're unknown and exciting. Truth is, if they're only exciting because you're not in a committed relationship with them. You say you've been crushing on your partner's sister for a whole year, but how much time have you actually spent with her? My guess would be that this is all in your head and the character you've built up over the year and have a crush on is actually little more than fiction.

Needs in a relationship

If you fantasise about others, and develop crushes on others, while being in a relationship, and you feel like you can't stop, then you either don't want to be in a relationship with your current partner or your needs are not being met. It might also be an attachment issue - you might have avoidant attachment style, which makes it hard for you to maintain a long committed relationship as the intimacy of it scares you (if this resonates with you, do search for Ainsworth's attachment theory online, there's a lot of resources and tests you can look at). Back to needs though! You keep saying you're needy and lonely, but not once do you mention how you're planning to resolve the distance between you and your partner. If your needs are not being met, you need to do some soul searching and have a heart to heart with your partner. LDRs are really difficult to manage as you have limited channels to express your affection and caring for each other. Getting better at managing it will improve your quality of relationship.

Tough love from us

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the sister is obviously not into you as she is in a relationship, and even if she were, I'm sure she values her relationship with her sister more than to go behind her back and date her partner/ex. No more excuses. You have the power to stop fantasising about her. If you don't want to be in a relationship anymore, then that's your perogative, but don't drag your girlfriend through your indecision, and please for the love of god don't ruin the two sisters' relationship. Also, can you imagine yourself in her shoes? Read your ask again and pretend to be in your girlfriend's place. What do you feel? Do you think it's a fair situation? Would you be able to ever forgive your partner if they kept something like this from you for a year?

Also if you can say you'd give someone your heart and soul if you could while in a relationship, then you don't love your current partner anymore. I'm sorry but you simply don't. You might care for them but that's not love. And you're certainly not trying to stay in love either.

#benny & danny asks #relationship #long distance relationship #relationship advice #long distance relationship advice #relationship asks #long distance relationship asks #anonymous #long distance problems

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your-local-uwu-artist · 8 months

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talk about vampires

NJDBEINFIA

-tragedy where one in a pair of childhood friends that would be friends to lovers but one becomes a vampire and has to reject their friend because 'bro I don't age' (sssshhh yes this was the plot of a southpark fanfic shhhhhh)

-charlotte my beloved Charlotte my beloved Charlotte my beloved

-OH WAIT SO RECENTLY I got my hands on the nendoroid doll 'Mila' she's adorable an perfect and ima draw her sometime and low-key steal her and make her my OC

-I was gonna watch 'the vexations of the shut in vampire princess' but then they tried to pull the 'vampire that doesn't drink blood' thing on me so now I'm procrastinating, I'll probably watch it evveuntually though cause the animations nice

-vampire bf and human gf except nothing like how the trope ussually goes is my favorite, like I want human gf to be eccentric and loud and flirty and vampire bf is just flustered and shy and 'just some guy' coded

-I have a list of vampire short story ideas someday I wanna make a comic anthology out of them

-vampire x cosplayer, vampire wants to try out makeup and cosplayer helps them, vampire overcomes insecurity with the power of 'I feel pretty cute rn'

-vampire mad scientist is such a slept on concept I mean mad scientists already often have the 'there are doing something dubious to lengthen their length span' vibe so really why not vampire mad scientist I am begging the universe please I want vampire mad scientist

-some solid vampire media is the webtoon 'vampire husband' which the premise is a vampire and his human wife who is now an old lady. It's silly, it actually works in the webtoon format (short comedy strips, no dump clif hangers to bait early pass) it's mostly silly funnies and vampire jokes + happy in love old married couple jokes. It's really good and has a side of deeper aspects with a relationship between an immortal and mortal person and themes of growing old and it's just lovely

-another good vampire webtoon is this absolutely based one is this silly one where it's 'vampire bf' except vampire bf is a classic old guy that lives in mansion instead of a twilight vampire, it's really wholesome and comedic and simple and cute :3

-i'm still hunting down more good vampire webtoons and then next I'll hunt down good ghost webtoons and also I'm hunting down good vampire mangas animes and light novels

-vampires as allegories my beloved!!! There's so many different concepts to be explored.

-vampire as autism allegory! Old timey shut in vampire lacking social understanding and struggling with disconnection from humanity and their identity as inhuman as well as a desire for human connection. Plus the whole bat thing!!! Being more connected with animals then humans and having different untraditional ways of expressing yourself

-vampires as allegory for chronic illness and various conditions, with a need to drink blood and undeadness framed as a medical condition. the way someone being turned to a vampire being seen as pityful and tragic in a way thats demeaning to the vampire turned being reminiscent of the reaction of people to someone being discovered to have a disability/illness. Plus there's that long going 'vampires just have iron deficiencies' thing

-we need asexual vampires we need asexual vampires we need asexual vampires

-we need more gay vampires we need more gay vampires we need more gay vampires

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mxharleyhua · 11 months

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Harley Hua ~ Task Thirteen: Short and Sweet

What is your favorite book from childhood? I was just talking to Elliot about this the other day, but I loved Watchmen. I know it's not really for children, but my parents didn't. I also had a more age-appropriate book I loved, because the art was so beautiful in it. I remember it took place in the woods, but not what it was called or what the plot was. But it was so detailed, and colorful, and had a unique art style.

Do you own an item that comforts you when you’re sad? Do my art supplies count?

What makes you happy? I seem to have a one-track mind tonight but after a long day I love to go home, take off my cochlear implants, light a candle, and spend hours painting. I do my best work in the middle of the night when everyone else is asleep. What are three things you like about yourself? I like almost everything about myself. That sounds like a cop-out, but it took me a really long time to learn self confidence. So maybe that's the first thing I like - that I'm a confident person. I also like the discipline I have to eat right and work out every day so that I can have the body I always dreamed of. And I love my sense of fashion. It's so much fun to dress up for all the events we have here in Merrock.

Which season is your favorite? Summer, easily! I love the heat, getting to spend a lot of my free time at the beach, and how much brighter everything feels; literally and emotionally.

Do you believe in the supernatural? What are we defining as supernatural? Ghosts and witches? Or are more religious symbols such as Gods, angels and demons also supernatural? Being raised both Jewish and Chinese, I got a lot of mixed messages as a kid. Parts of my Chinese culture are clearly against Jewish law. But I didn't grow up orthodox, so I've always taken it with a grain of salt on both sides anyways. I was generally discouraged from things like magic, or ghosts and demons, unless it was coming from a Chinese family member. I think my parents disagreed with how to raise us in that regard and tried to compromise, but it just made any of it being taboo feel nonsensical. Anyways, both cultures say not to mess with ghosts but I really want to go ghost hunting one day. Name a song that has a deeper meaning to you You've activated my Deaf card. What do you think about social media? I think it's great! Obviously, there are some drawbacks. But it allows people to connect in a way we couldn't have just a couple decades ago, and connects vulnerable people to resources that they need. How many queer communities have thrived on websites like tumblr? I remember being a teenager and seeing people like myself online when I didn't know there was anyone else like me in Merrock. It was lifechanging! What would be your dream job? Illustrator. Specifically, illustrating comic books but I also really want to do childrens books too. Name three things you don’t leave the house without My keys, obviously. And my phone. Normally I have my wallet or my cochlear implants on me, but not always. With so many places having tap-to-pay now, you really only need those two things. What is your favorite comfort food? My grandma is an amazing cook and she does this delicious lamb hot pot. It's a good thing she lives so far away, because I could not stick to my nutrition goals if I had the opportunity to eat that every week. Are you an active person? / What do you do to stay active? Is water wet? Technically not, but that's not the point. When I'm not painting or instructing a class, I'm almost always on the move. I try to spend two hours at the gym every day, although that's not always realistic with my busy schedule. I get a lot of steps in, walking around and giving tours at From Brush to Canvas. And I grew up doing gymnastics and cheerleading and try to practice so I don't lose my ability to do some of those stunts. Even as I've transitioned, I've managed to keep a lot of the flexibility I grew up with. I also live in the ocean in the summer, whether I'm surfing or swimming. Name your three biggest inspirations (people-wise) My brother and my grandma are easily my first two. Leaving my family for the third one, I think Gerda Wegener was amazing and pushed boundaries on sexuality and gender with her art in a way I really admire. What is currently your favorite airing show? I don't watch a lot of TV. When I'm at home, I like to take off my cochlear implants and enjoy the silence. And after a long day, the last thing I want to do is read captions for an hour straight. But I'm really excited for Echo to come out in a couple months. If you had to go anywhere right now, where would you go? If I had to? A warm, tropical beach that has complimentary cocktails and crystal-clear water.

#merrocktask #(task 013.)#(about.)

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myfrogsnameisbob · 1 year

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To Be (Gay), Or Not To Be

Last year, I made a YouTube video called "I'm coming out.." on my YouTube channel.

The video is about my experience previously identifying as "gay" but no longer feeling connected to that identity. That realization came after years of self-discovery and inner healing, helping me understand that the root of my feelings of attraction toward other men was the pain and trauma I experienced as a child. I experienced this gender-based pain & trauma not only at home, but also on a social and societal (?) level.

Since "coming out" of the gay identity, I have received reactions ranging from silent solidarity to surprise to encouragement. Still, others have been quick to challenge my experience or ask for "updates" on my journey, as if growth is linear or straight... pun intended.

These reactions showcase a double-standard where individuals who "come out" as LGBT are praised, but those who are coming out of LGBTQ identities are dismissed, or even ridiculed.

This is evidenced by targeted hate toward organizations that share "ex-LGBT' stories (cite), censorship of media that shares similar stories (cite), and hate comments on YouTube videos of individuals with similar backgrounds.

Another major reason why this perspective is often silenced or not taken seriously is due to gender norms. Gender norms are embraced and upheld by many types of people, including LGBTQ individuals themselves as well as their allies. Since gender norms make it hard for people to dissociate sexual identity with any other trait (for example, regarding prescribed ideas of masculinity & femininity) and the degrees to which they are expressed, it seems like people use gender norms as a measurement of sexual identity. Thus, because | don't come across with a masculine affect, I must therefore (still) be gay.

This also tied in with the West's obsession with sex and therefore, sexual identity.

People find it hard to interact with others without knowing their sexual orientation and unless you are loudly proclaiming yours, one will be assigned to you based on the gender norms you do or don't uphold. While there are campaigns to encourage people not to assume one's gender, there is no such campaign regarding assuming one's sexual identity. Since when was someone's sexual identity anyone else's business?

The bottom line is that our society is set up for people to judge one's sexual identity based on appearance, mannerisms, actions, etc. But do those things actually inform our sexual identity or does that originate from a deeper place? I argue that they don't, since there are individuals that defy each one of those.

Sometimes I wonder that if gender norms weren't a thing, would I still have felt the need to identify as "gay"? Maybe I still would've. Regardless of speculating, I don't want to change who I was, but I do want to create who I am now and in the future -- and l'm the only one who gets to do that.

We all hear phrases like "be yourself," especially in reference to sexuality and sexual identity. This phrase should be more than just a catchphrase. Throughout my healing journey, I have learned that "being yourself” requires inner work to make sure that you are not identifying with past pain/trauma, societal norms or cultural pressures. It is also important not to claim an identity simply because it goes against the norm, which is what I feel I did on a subconscious level for so long. Breaking through all of these barriers is what makes us uniquely ourselves.

I don't have to be "gay"... I don't have to be anything. I can just be myself.

#lgbtq #lgbtq pride #queer #pride #pride month #kawaii #gay #lgbtqia

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the-lady-writes-what · 1 year

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How did you find out that you're a lesbian? /gen you don't have to answer this if it makes you uncomfortable

TLDR at the bottom if this essay is too much

It's not an uncomfortable question at all. Thank you for asking. So me coming out as lesbian is a really long story about 30 years in the making. I guess I was socially programmed into thinking I was straight for most of my life by the outside world. I didn't grow up in a religious household or anything but at the same time I didn't have any understanding of gay, straight, bi, pan, etc. I did, however, grow up in the 90's and early 2000's where LGBTQ+ presentation wasn't, you know, great. I was conditioned by the media around me, which was cis het (and mostly white) 99.9% of the time, to think that straight and me being straight was what everyone was doing and normal with no deviations whatsoever.

Flash forward to my high school years, more specifically sophomore and junior year. I tended to have a lot of boy crushes and looking back on it now, I'd say it had more to do with seeking male attention and validation because of Daddy Issues. This was now the early 2010's where there was this trend with everyone and their weird aunt coming out as bisexual. I had this friend who I used to be close with and I thought I had feelings for her on a romantic level. Having no real established knowledge or understanding of what bisexual meant or being queer or gay, I just went with it. Add into the mix a heady mixture of teenage hormones, emotionally unfulfilled home life, and religion, and you have a disaster. By the time I was a sophomore, I had converted to Catholicism of my own free will and ironically because of a lesbian. Trying to be "good" Catholic and having a girlfriend conflicted, so I broke it off. In retrospect, that might have been a good thing because this friend developed a codependency on me and stalked me on Facebook a couple times after I ended the friendship when one too many lies and inconsistencies became too much for me to handle (and also because she was not the emotional support I needed).

Between high school graduation and college, I dated a number of people. I had three romantic partners, one boyfriend and two partners who later came out as transwomen. Between all that time, I kinda hated myself. I would date someone for a few months and then break up because of something I couldn't define. I was there in the present, but couldn't see a future with that partner. I felt like something was wrong with me and my sexuality was broken. In my early 20's, I discovered asexuality and thought "oh. maybe this is why the way I am." Asexuality became my identity. Dating and sleeping with men no longer was a priority for me. Aside from this one partner who I dated off and on for about...10 years, I didn't feel the need to date men. I eventually stopped being Catholic around 2019 and then COVID happened.

I spent 2020-2021 doing a lot of introspection. I noticed things that I hadn't before about my behavior and reactions when socializing with the same or opposite gender. I realized that it has always been easier for me to talk to women than men, and not just because of my issues with my dad. Oh. Okay, then. Maybe I'm asexual but have romantic feelings for women and men? I can date women if I wanted to, I don't have to sleep with them. And over the next couple years more and more pieces of the puzzle fell into place. I started reading wlw fantasy books. I've always been excited to see two people or two characters of every persuasion find love. I love love. But when I read "The Tiger's Daughter" by K. Arsenault Rivera and "The Jasmine Throne" by Tasha Suri, I felt a deeper connection to those romances on an emotional level. It was something deeper than being excited about love, it was something more akin to longing, as in "wow. i wish i could have that." This was not the same response I have to cis het couples.

Then, I had to look back on my interests. I realized that most of the men I lusted after were all fictional. Shouta Aizawa, Sesshomaru, Hawks, Loki, etc, none of them were real. I never thought about a male celebrity in that light. High school crushes are very different from having adult feelings, so I can say that I've never had the same feelings for men in the same way I have for Aizawa. There's only been one or two exceptions to the rule, but I've never imagined actually sleeping or falling in love with Tom Hiddleston. He's just very good looking and I like Loki. How I talk about male celebrities I like for their looks and female celebrities is very different.

Example

Tom Hiddleston: Wow. He's super handsome.

Markliplier (youtuber): Wow. He's super handsome, funny, AND he has a great personality. His girlfriend is so lucky.

Florence Welch, existing:

Me: Beautiful. Amazing. Talented. Stunning. Goddess, I worship at your feet. I want to drink from the same cup of wine that graced your lips and dance with you at midnight under the full moon....

You get the picture.

There are other examples that I looked at. Interest in Greek mythology especially anything to do with goddesses or female characters (of course, Artemis was my favorite, because GAY, though i have moved on to Athena and Aphrodite). I was always more interested in female characters in books. Lack of interest in sex with cis men. My favorite poem is "The Goblin Market" by Christina Rossetti, which has some very queer/lesbian undertones for a Victorian poem. I have a strong aversion to resembling as a male stereotypes, though I'm still trying to work on being less aggressive. The list is probably longer than this. Oh, and I have a Pinterest board made up of 581 and counting pictures of Florence Welch, and there is no heterosexual explanation for that.

All this came to a head in November and December last year. I had been discussing this with my friend (who I had also dated before she came out as trans) and my sister, who is a decent ally. In December 2022, I had no other choice but to admit to myself that after 30 years that I was not at all straight. The problem was that I had to wait to come out until a little later because at the time my uncle was very sick and died a week before Christmas. Coming out of the closest last year as soon as I realized it was not a good idea. I came out to my sister and my friend in January and I've been getting used to the identity ever since. Sorry this is a fucking biography but I tend to be very verbose and take a long time to explain anything.

TLDR: American society conditioned me into thinking I was straight for most of my 30 yrs of life, but that was incorrect because women are pretty and I'm in love with Florence Welch.

#sorry about the biography nobody asked for #i get really embarrassing and cringey about my love for Florence Welch

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this-has-returned · 2 years

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This is a long rant. Strap in.

I'm not sure if this is an experience that other Americans have online, but it's something that I'm noticing more and more as we get deeper into the age of algorithm-based media.

I have spent years learning German for the express purpose of seeking out German media online and being able to understand it with little to no translator assistance. A lot of my favorite bands are from Germany, for example, and I feel really accomplished when I can understand what I'm hearing. It's an absolutely beautiful language and culture. I'm too poor to travel (and my neurodivergence provides other problems with travel as well), but I wanted to at least leverage the Internet's ability to take me around the world's data channels.

I've wanted to do this since childhood. I picked German in particular half on a whim, and half because two relatives on my dad's side sing in German for their church, and so he picked up some of the language from them before I was born.

I was already exposed to Spanish from my classmates (and I was correctly assuming I would take Spanish classes as a school requirement anyway), and was exposed to Japanese from my sister and her best friend (which was a language that seemed incredibly hard). So German, therefore, was the first language that I felt was within my ability to learn, and could be learned for fun (and not strictly for utility).

Neither of my parents are German (those two relatives at the church are apparently French). I have no other apparent connections to the country that would register in any algorithm online. I think this has given me an unexpected obstacle, because all of the algorithms have been like "YOU ARE AN AMERICAN. HERE IS YOUR AMERICAN MEDIA. HERE ARE OTHER AMERICANS TO FOLLOW ONLINE. I SEE YOU HAVE AN INTEREST IN OTHER COUNTRIES; HERE ARE SOME AMERICANS WHO TALK ABOUT THOSE COUNTRIES."

And, like, the fact that so many things are search-based makes it really hard too, because no matter how many search terms I awkwardly type in German, nor how many German content creators I follow, a lot of social media will not recommend me anything from the country; it just redirects to American and UK sources (because it translated my search into English), or to fictional sources made specifically for people learning the language in a classroom setting.

In fact, on Twitter and TikTok especially, I can follow as many German creators as the limited search results will let me see, and then it never shows me any posts from them, nor makes any recommendations based on them. I have to intentionally check on their profiles and scroll through every week or so, because none of it appears on my feed. It's as if these sites think it's fucking insane that I would ever speak another language, or be interested in anything outside of my own country. It's like the algorithms think that following these creators was a mistake I made or something, and best to not take seriously. Honestly, given the stereotypes (and realities) of how little Americans care about the outside world, I guess this shouldn't be a surprise to me.

Tumblr is honestly the first and only website where my attempt to land on the German side of content creation yielded anything at all. This is actually the first website that seems capable of handling users who speak other languages for fun.

Anyone else I know in America who gets content from Mexico, Puerto Rico, or Venezuela (for example) seems to get it because they have family from there, and I think online algorithms seem to keep track of that and cater content accordingly. Additionally, people interested in Japanese media, UK media, or Bollywood seem to get content sources as well. Meanwhile, these same high-end algorithms look at my activity and are like "What's this nerd searching 'Eisbrecher' for?"

The closest I've seen algorithms get is probably the Wehraboo community (oof), but all their stuff just seems to be Americanized hyperfixations on WWII German war technologies and Nazi iconography, which is absolutely nothing like what I'm trying to find (obviously), but there's a surprising number of pipelines leading to there from "casually listens to German music and plays BattleTech games". You can imagine how annoying most search results can be for me, as someone who likes Eisbrecher, Rammstein, Project Pitchfork, and BattleTech. I hope this point in particular highlights the problems I'm having with algorithms and search engines.

I know there's a meme going around about how Tumblr has no algorithm, or that its minimal replication of one is hilariously simple at best, but honestly I appreciate it. Other websites with advanced algorithms keep me locked in this fucking country as much as they possibly can. The fact that I am FINALLY getting recommendations from German Tumblr users after a DECADE of trying to land in German communities on other websites is absolutely wild.

My entire goal has been to utilize what I learned to explore more parts of the Internet and Human Experience (tm), but these algorithms have been keeping me locked here for so long that my skills in speaking, reading, and writing German have gotten rusty from lack of use.

I'm not looking for 2-page stories written in 1980 by teachers for beginners in the classroom. I want memes auf Deutsch, I want rants, I want shitposts (which are hard enough to understand in English, as I'm autistic, so I will probably spend 30 minutes trying to process them in German). I want to see Germany's autistic community talk about their special interests. I want to see the larger neurodivergent community there talk about their experiences, too! I want to see gay fanfic about characters that I wouldn't know from American media, so I would be forced to try and Google what the source material was for 15 minutes to get any context. I fought in the American public school system to keep them from dropping German classes from the curriculum, and was finally able to take it for 2 years, plus another year in a community college before my mental illness made it unsustainable to chase my degree any further. I was hunted down for sport by the Duolingo owl when I took German lessons in the app. I just want to finally feel validated for trying to learn a damn language that I chose for myself lol.

So, hallo LGBTQ+ side of German Tumblr! Happy Pride, and happy Neun Euro Ticket! I need to improve my writing, grammar, and my spelling, but I can at least read you!

Also, do any other Americans struggle with this shit, or has it literally just been me this whole time? Or am I just doing things the hard way, and there was an easier way all along?

#german stuff #bilingual #algorithms #social media #languages #germany #autism #special interests #neun euro ticket

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azenta · 2 years

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recently i've been trying to discern what thought and action patterns i display that impact my relationships badly, but i have a hard time correlating them to an enneagram type, so wanted to ask you to help me out a bit.

i'm a secretive and rather lonely person, so i often feel like being surrounded by a membrane which doesn't allow the world and other people to affect me. consciously, i want to break my barriers down for specific people, and so i do, which is why i never were actually alone, but it never helped with the loneliness inside. most relationships seem very fragile and merely scratching the surface of my carcass, while i have always been longing for something deeper and eternal. since eternity isn't possible, and most people can't get through to me anyway, it's unlikely i'll ever be happy, so i may just stop trying. i got so used to the idea of myself being alone that i sometimes try to sabotage the relationships i have myself, so we part ways on my terms before i'm too attached for the farewell to crush me down (being uncharacteristically cruel just so the person leaves or disappearing from social media so the person can't contact me no matter how hard they try). i loathe myself deeply, so when i put my guard down and reveal something personal, i feel intensely humiliated and cannot accept that people would still want me around after knowing such things about me, which, in turn, makes me suddenly distanced after an intimate conversation or an act of vulnerability. sometimes it gets to the point i want to disappear from everyone's lives without a trace. i guess i hate myself too much to let people in, since you can't have a connection with someone without being, well, yourself.

what enneagram type does it sound like the most? sorry for the long read and thanks in advance.

Tbw, this pattern is beyond enneagram. It's about fear of intimacy and emotional immaturity. The need behind this is also shared by every human being, again intimacy. Arguably, every type can experience this difficulty and most types are likely to use those tactics. The reason why they will use those tactics will vary however.

Know that I relate to those issues and see myself in part of what you shared. I also have known a 3w2 core who also ended up isolating themselves and ghosting people because of fear of vulnerability, shame and self-loathing. And I know a 1w2 core who also fall into this same pit when revealing about themselves and tend toward self-loathing a lot.

I can still see some more likely options for you, but I cannot say for sure which core it is. Disintegration must be taken into account in this situation, since it's a pattern that err more on the unhealthy (difficulty to adapt) tactics.

There are withdrawal elements in what you say, so it's either you got a withdrawn core (4,5,9) or a disintegration into a withdrawn type (1,3,8). The fact you speak of being hard to access and don't want people to access you (unless on your terms) let me believe you are most likely an Sp variant, more likely Sp dom, and again, lead me more toward a withdrawn core, as it is not just when you open up or feel threatened that you retreat into yourself.

You speak about humiliation as a reason to withdraw and cut ties with your relationships, so there are image issues for sure, either as a core, wing or into your disintegration (1,3,4,5 - 2 and 8 less likely since explosive/unfiltered anger doesnt seem in the portrait).

You speak of relationship and seem to have a concern about people and opening up to them, but you feel threatened when actually being vulnerable and tend to cut out relationships anyway just to prove yourself right, so this seem less in line with 2 and 9.

There is no particular mention of anger/gut issues, nor head/fear issues, only one isolated mention of humiliation which doesn't bring much weigh to image core either. Feeling threatened when opening up could be related to head issues, but nothing in what you told forcibly prove that either.

From that ask alone, the few relevant parts to indicate enneagram aspects points toward withdrawn core with potential image issues and Sp variant. The best fit is therefore 4 core, and since there are maybe head issues, wing 5 might be a good guess as well.

To get a more nuanced view, here are your most likely options that I would suggest to investigate:

4w5

5w4

4w3

3w4

9w1

4s have issues with identity and everything revolve around finding ways to find themselves, their true unfiltered self. Be it through others or through projects, activities, name it, whatever means that makes them experience themselves and their reactions. They can tend to wallow in their feelings a lot, because it is their coping way to feel in touch with the notion of identity (reactive type). A wing 5 can make them even more shut ins, and will make them rely a lot on their own understanding/knowledge of things to determine their next move or approach. This can make them more anticipatory and more careful in their approach, out of fear, especially of not being enough. This is also why this wing creates a 4 much more potentially anxious, self focused and prone to more depressive tendencies or self-loathing. Wing 3 have the beauty to create a certain denial about self-worth and create a coping mechanism of "better-than-you" attitude, despite the 4 core that can take pride even as being the worst bitch in the neighborhood.

Sp 4 are also much less typically flashy. They are more careful in how to come off or how to reveal their color. They will be more picky with who they reveal those colors or try to explore those colors. Sp 4w5 will be the most shut in this core can be, very difficult to decipher and unlikely to open up unless they aim to grow out of their defense mechanism or their soc or sx instinct incline them toward that end.

Those are really abbreviated version of what a 4w5 is, if you already don't resonate much with that, it's a good sign to explore the other options I gave. I could be wrong, that's for sure.

____

On another regard, I know you didnt ask for advices toward this pattern, but I cannot not comment on it. You can at this point stop reading if you want, since those can come off as unsolicited advices. Tho, I will generalize those advices to rather fit solutions related to the issue itself and not you specifically. So, if you have the impression I am extrapolating on stuff, it's because I am and I am diving the pattern itself.

Loneliness is a feeling we experience when we crave connection, but more specifically intimacy. It is often described as feeling "loved" and "accepted", which is also true in some way. But to get that need met, it demands to be able to open up and be vulnerable. However people often forget that to meet that step you need before to feel secure and safe. However, those cannot be fulfilled thanks to other people. The feeling of security depends on the sentiment of capability, or in other words, how much I believe I have the resources to face unsafe/threatening situations or people. This means how much I can rely on myself to get myself out of shit. This is where the fear of intimacy usually builds up, because people have a poor sense of security. Mostly because they got shitty experiences that make them have a very specific set of "resources", that are usually about "how to protect myself from people", which becomes unproductive when you want intimacy.

This lack of security leads to this self sabotage loop of "I hang with people, open up a bit, feel threatened (fear of getting hurt), cut off the relationship and run" or the complementary variant of " I hang with people, I open up, I get scared of being abandoned/rejected/etc. and start clinging because now I feel a connection and don't want to loose it because aforementioned fear". This lead to that kind of weird place where we don't want to open up, but expect people to "get us", but when they don't, we see it as a confirmation that there is no intimacy so it is pointless to pursue. It makes us neglect our relationship or even the potential of a relationship, since we end up projecting on people the outcome we fear, provoking a feeling of threat even before anything happens. Or even we can project the futility and lack of depth on people also because we ourselves refuse to dive in our own vulnerable spots. Thus why choosing to not open up is an excellent plan to not be understood and entertain distance between "them and I". Futile tactic. Good at maintaining security, bad at creating meaningful connections.

The solution to this issue is to learn to secure ourselves properly by learning the basic necessities that makes us feel capable, useful or simply autonomous. So, when we encounter people we have a sense of ressourfulness in case we meet people that aren't worth our time or are potentially more threatening to our survival than helpful.

Last note, some people will not get us, but sometimes people don't get us because we don't understand ourselves either. So, it's important to question yourself and wonder if you are not being the reason why people can't get you. As I said, sometimes you really are just not compatible with some people, but some other times, you really are the author of your own tragedy.

____

Gonna end up on that. If you want to dig more your type, feel free to add up, or if you have any other questions. Anyone is welcome to ask about anything said here too.

#ask #enneagram #en #self sabotage #loneliness #intimacy #fundamental needs #human needs #4s #4w5 #sp #ivs #self preservation #instinctual variants

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tevanbegins · 2 years

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So I haven't been watching Grey's after 18x10 but knowing that there was some significant Levi content in the latest episode, I needed those scenes! Nobody had uploaded them on social media yet for my convenience 😒 so I legit skipped every other part of the latest episode and only jumped to the Levi scenes on Disney+ (lmao the effort I put in because I don't want to put myself through the torture of watching the rest of that shit! 😹)

But boy, the Levi scenes were good and I think that he got a decent amount of screen-time for the first time in a long time. Needless to say, Jake's performance was awesome! And poor Myrna! Thankfully she was stable by the end of the episode, but if the writers play dirty as usual and suddenly make her flatline later - then Levi will go darker than before!

Also is it just me or did all of you also think that it was weird how Levi was suddenly all pro- GSM, pro- residency program, pro-Richard Webber? If I'm not wrong, didn't he act like he was all dead inside and beyond help in his last appearance when Webber had gone to meet him? And hadn't he said, "We all kill people" and other things to him in a way that seemed anti-surgery and how he was least interested in reviving his career in medicine? Compared to that, he seemed a lot better and his career-related opinions seemed to have switched abruptly in the latest episode. If he is going through some mental health crisis can't these so-called writers dive deeper into the subject instead of confusing the audiences like this?

As far as Nico's absence is concerned, it was not at all shocking. 🙃 But why can't they just mention something for once like he only works as a part-time surgeon or something at the hospital to make it seem believable and not funny given how he's rarely ever there even to attend ortho cases (like Myrna's in this episode)? Lol. 😆

Also another thing that doesn't shock me is how Levi didn't think of Nico even once despite his mom being in need of 'ortho.' He endlessly prattled on about the greatness of Richard Webber and the residency program throughout the episode despite his present mental health, but he didn't give a f*ck when Myrna brought up his break-up with Nico. If he could talk normally to Helm when she came to visit him (for her own selfish purpose only) and tolerate her rudeness, God knows why is Nico the only one whose face he doesn't want to see ever again. Nico had absolutely nothing to do with the Devon situation, yet somehow Levi is only pushing him away instead of people like Helm and Richard who are actually connected to the situation. There's got to be something more to it, right?

If we can't get a deeper explanation for Levi's special bias against Nico, then as much as I stan them I don't want this drama to be dragged on forever. Because the lack of communication even at this point of their relationship is annoying as hell! Besides, the signs of love between them have been hard to spot lately with Levi's unconcern for Nico after dumping him and Nico disappearing after 18x10. So whether or not Jake continues to stay on the show as Levi after season 18, I pray that this season determines for good if he wants Nico as his life partner or not. I love Schmico with my whole heart, but Levi's utter lack of interest in Nico's existence makes me suspicious of what his true feelings for him are.

In my head they are most certainly endgame, but I can't deal with their shit in canon forever. The show needs to either break them up forever or make it seem convincing that they still love and care for each other. Especially on Levi's part because Nico had made his feelings and intentions pretty clear long back in the 17x16 candle scene; it's Levi who can't seem to make up his mind about him. So if the writers don't end up killing either of them, I hope Levi has the mercy to make his own feelings clear to Nico by the end of this season, whatever they are. 🙏🏽 Can't wait for this nonsense to be wrapped up...

#schmico #levi schmitt #nico kim #levi and nico #levi schmitt and nico kim #levi schmitt x nico kim #levi x nico #nico and levi #nico kim and levi schmitt #nico x levi #nico kim x levi schmitt #greys anatomy

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atalho-s · 3 years

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Light Up The Dark

Part 2 | We are accidents waiting to happen

pairing: bartender!tom x famous!reader

warnings: smut +18 miniors dni, swear words?, drinking, let me know if anything else!

words: 5.0 k

a/n: english it’s not my first language, so i’m sorry for any mistake! I don’t have a taglist yet, but if you want to be tagged in the next chapters let me know!!

PART 2 if you want to read part 1 click here!

It was already Saturday. The day Y/n took for herself. Writing was extraordinary, but she loved having a day off to take care of herself. She spent the day doing things she enjoyed, whether it was lying in bed watching a movie or trying to cook something.

After the fateful day of writer's block she started writing like crazy, so she didn't feel guilty about taking a day off without thinking about her characters and how they would get out of the challenges she had created for them.

The fateful day. For some reason she kept thinking about that damned Brit with that accent. For a moment she'd been scared that she'd been seen by paparazzi hanging out with the mysterious bartender, or even some picture of him leaving her apartment. But nothing came out in the news on the gossip sites, which made her relieved.

As much as she deserved to have fun once in a while and wasn't doing anything wrong, she still didn't want to bring attention to herself and even less to a guy who wasn't even famous. She was afraid to put anyone who wasn't famous in the media. Fear that one day suddenly, this person might be persecuted because of her.

Anyway, it had just been a crazy night. Nothing much. And she didn't intend to see him again. So she had nothing to worry about.

Sitting down in the kitchen counter with her familiar cup of coffee she got lost in some thoughts. Why hadn't she stopped thinking about him ever since? It had been a great night, but that was all. She didn't even know him well.

Maybe it was because her creative block had been broken after being with him. But obviously it was just a coincidence. She had just felt inspired after a distraction.

She shook his head away from the thoughts and placed the cup in the sink. She took a deep breath and thought about what to do next. But before she could think of anything else her cell phone started ringing on the counter. She was almost jump by the sudden sound, seeing the screen indicating that it was Milla, her agent, who had become one of her best friends.

- Hi Mil! - she said after sliding the screen.

- Good morning baby. - she said on the other end of the line. - Ready for the party?

- Party? What a party? - Y/n asked confused starting to wash the small amount ofdishes she had soiled.

- How you don't know? I thought I sent you the invitation on your email and I even sent you a message!

- Bestie, I haven't seen my email or message for days. I was super focused on the book, my writer's block finally went away.

- Really? I knew that would go away! You were worried for nothing. What did you do to go back to writing? - Milla asked and Y/n smiled a little.

- Well... I just went out to chill out a bit...Nothing much.

- Y/n getting out on weekdays? And even on the days you're writing a book? That's what I call grow. - she said and Y/n rolled her eyes laughing. - I'm even afraid to invite you to parties, because I know when you're writing you hate to go out... But it's good to know that you're getting out of your routine a little...

- Yeah, sometimes it's good to breathe new air. - Y/n replied drying his hands on a towel. - But what party are you talking about?

- A party of none other than Emma Brown. - Y/n snorted. Emma Brown was a great actress who to tell the truth she didn't know much, she only knew her from a couple of her movies, but other than that she didn't know much about her.

But what she did know was that she had some also famous friends of questionable taste. They were those famous people who only knew about money, women, cars and mansions. But she was tipped for a theatrical adaptation of one of her books and she wanted everything to come out perfect. She was very afraid the movie would end up ruining her work.

- Do I really have to go? - She asked in a tearful voice.

- Yes you have! It's going to be a really fancy birthday party for her, all the famous people in the industry are going to be there. You know you have to socialize with these people. Who knows, you can make some important friendships...

- Milla... I don't know... I don't need important friendships. I don't need anyone to stand up or approach others for interest.

- I know you don't need anyone for that... I just meant that you're very isolated, you need to make connections, understand? I know it's hard because you hate all that fame and stuff. But if you want the adaptation of your story to be good, there's no way... Besides, one of the great directors you left me on the list to research will be there too. So it would be really cool to kill two birds with one stone. - Milla said and Y/n sighed. She was right, if she wanted everything to work out she had to at least have a conversation with these people. It would be weird to refuse Emma's invitation to her birthday. It would just show that she was uninterested.

- Okay... You won ok? - She said and Milla gave an excited squeal. - But I won't stay long!

- Okay, okay... Just for you to go is great! Andrew will be there shortly for you to choose a dress. -Andrew was her stylist and she practically jumped every time Y/n had an important event, because it was rare for her to go. Good thing he didn't just have her as a client, because otherwise he'd be bored out of his mind for a long time.

- Okay Mil, thank you... I love you! - She said and Milla said goodbye hanging up the phone.

It was late afternoon when Andrew arrived at her apartment with several suitcases and bags in both hands. He really had brought up thousands of options. But Y/n ended up choosing a slightly shiny black dress that went just above the knee with a V-neck. Something cute, but nothing too fancy.

He did her makeup. Which wasn't too heavy either, as she hated things that were too heavy on her face. Finally she put on a mid-heeled sandal in the same color as the dress and her sparkly earrings. Before Andrew left her apartment satisfied with the result.

It was almost 7:30 pm when a black car that would take her to the party location arrived in front of her building and she got out enter the backseat right after. She was apprehensive. She hated socializing to tell the truth. Large crowds and cameras really made her anxious.

After almost 20 minutes the car stopped in front of what appeared to be a large gate. Several paparazzi showed up and started taking pictures of her car surrounding her or even tapping on the window a little, asking her if she could talk to them. Which she obviously ignored. The driver introduced himself to the doorman and he opened the gate letting the car pass and stop in front of a luxurious mansion.

Some people were coming in and others were standing in front talking. She saw that there were some familiar faces of the media. Actresses, actors, singers, famous people of every imaginable type.

She opened the car door and walked out towards the large entrance. She smiled at a few people, nodding her head as she passed and found herself in a crowd of people as she entered the place. There really were a lot of people, despite the place being even bigger inside. Many with fancy drinks in hand and chatting. A song playing on the background.

She walked deeper into the room and took a quick look around trying to find the birthday girl. After a few minutes she found her near one of the sofas. Y/n walked over and stopped beside her, causing Emma to stop her conversation with two more people and look at her.

- Happy Birthday! - Y/n said in the friendliest way possible and Emma smirked and hugged her lightly afterwards.

- Thank you! Glad you came! - she said, breaking out of the hug after a few seconds.

- Your party is very beautiful, I loved the decoration. - Y/n said looking around. Indeed Emma had decorated the place in a simple way, but at the same time fancy and beautiful.

- Oh thank you... - she said, still smiling. - I'm very happy that you accepted my invitation, we have a lot to talk about since maybe we'll work together, right?

- No problem, obviously I would come... - Y/n said and almost punched herself because she was very fake in saying that. - But we really have to talk!

- Well, I was talking to Jim just now... I can give you his number later... He's a great director and I think it would be great for your adaptation... - Emma said and Y/n thought that she was really interested in that adaptation, because she was even talking to the possible renowned director, which surprised her. She thought Emma was a little more oblivious to her books and even movie stuff. She thought she was one of those famous actresses who expected others to come after her, not being interested in the work itself, but only on the fame and money. - We love your book! I think it has great potential for a grand adaptation.

- Wow, that is good to hear! Thanks a lot! - Y/n said sincerely this time. - I'll love talking to him too...

- Sure! - She looked behind Y/n and motioned to someone from far away. - Hey Jim! You can come here? - She asked speaking loudly for him to hear and Y/n turned around watching the director approaching after saying goodbye to someone. He wasn't much older than she thought, maybe in his early thirties, he wore a small beard that fit his face and short hair, but with curls that jutted out around his head. -That's Y/n... Y/n that's Jim...-Emma said when he got in front of her and Jim held out his hand with a smile.

- Nice to meet Y/n, we finally met... - he said and Y/n shook his hand also smiling.

- Nice to meet you Jim! - She said and Emma sat in one of the armchairs indicating for the two to sit, which they did next.

- Do you two want something to drink? Champagne?- Emma asked and they both accepted as she motioned for someone from far away to bring them.

- Well, I found your book very intriguing Y/n... I can say I haven't slept for a while... - Jim said laughing a little and Y/n smiled. - It's a very well written story, I loved the plots and it has a great resolution. I think I would make a good 2 hour movie with all this material... - he said and Y/n paid attention until something took her a little out of focus. Something not. Somebody.

It was the waiter, and not just any waiter. It was Tom. He came into her vision and she couldn't believe what she was seeing. Maybe it was a mirage or she was mistaking him for someone else. But when he approached she was sure it was him. He came with a tray with drinks in one hand. He was wering a white dress shirt, with black pants. The typical pattern of a fancy party waiter. But he was beautiful. Y/n felt a shiver for a moment and tried to hide it by looking back at Jim who was still talking about his plans for the possible movie.

Maybe Tom didn't even remember her. She was just a one-night stand, he should do that with a lot of girls out there, so it wasn't something new to him. As soon as he arrived, he handed one of the glasses to Emma beside her and Y/n felt her breath quicken a little. She didn't know why she was so nervous. It was just a waiter she had slept with a few days ago.

- Excuse me... - he said and Y/n looked up at him quickly seeing that he was right in front of him. -Here it is miss...-he said looking her in the eyes and then winking at her, wich almost make her shrink in her chair. He held out the tray for her to take one of the glasses and she did, looking away at Jim.

- So, what do you think? - Jim asked taking the glass from the tray and Y/n took a sip of his surprise drink.

- Sorry? - She asked guiltily for having been distracted.

- About us meeting and having a meeting next week? That way I can show you my idea better. - he said and Y/n smiled.

- Of course, that would be great! - she said and Tom walked away not looking in her direction again, which left her disappointed for a second. She would going to love looking into those eyes again.

- Perfect! - Jim replied excitedly and started talking about other things as well as Emma.

They talked for almost an hour, until Emma went to talk to other people and Jim said he was leaving as he had some work in the morning. Y/n sat for a while and finished drinking the last of her champagne and placed it on the table in front of her.

She thought about leaving. She had already done the important interactions for the night. So, she had no reason to stay there. But she kept thinking about the damn waiter. Would it be weird to go talk to him? Maybe just say hi? But she doubted he would want to talk to her. Besides, he was working. She didn't want to get in his way.

Getting up from her chair and straightening her dress, she forced her steps towards the exit, but stopped midway as she saw Tom walking into what appeared to be the kitchen with the tray tucked under his arm. She looked at the exit door and sighed. Okay, if she went to him just to say hi, it wouldn't hurt would it?

Y/n turned and headed in the direction that Tom had gone. She couldn't even believe she was doing it this. She would looked ridiculous in his eyes. But she choose to ignore the little voice of reason again. Passing by a few people, and walking out into a empty hallway, she opening a single door at end. She closed in behind her and turned to see that Tom was on his back piling some boxes in a corner. His muscles in that outfit made her feel tempted somehow, so she swallowed hard. He turned at the sound of the door closing and looked at her with a mixture of confusion and curiosity.

- Looking for something madam? - He asked with a smirk.

- Actually... - Y/n thought of some excuse, maybe it would be better, so it would seem that she was there for something else and not for him. - Yeah... I was looking for the bathroom, I think I take the wrong direction...

- Yeah...Actually, the bathroom is on the other side of the hallway... - he said leaning against the kitchen counter and looking her up and down, making her feel completely vulnerable. After his eyes roamed her legs and bust, they came to her face and he grinned.

- Okay, I'll... - Y/n started saying and turned around taking a few steps. But she stopped midway, closing his eyes, tearing himself apart from the inside out of embarrassment. She turned around again seeing that he was still watching her, now with his arms crossed over his chest, wondering what she would do next. - You remember me don't you? - She asked fearfully.

- Of course I remember darling... - he said, practically intensifying his accent in that nickname that was so perfect in his voice. Y/n took a few steps forward also crossing her arms. - How could I forget the famous writer Y/n?- He raised an eyebrow and she rolled her eyes with his last sentence.

- It really was an...- She looked at her feet trying to find a word. - Interesting night… - she finally said and he chuckled, making her look up.

- Very interesting indeed... - he said putting his hands in his front pockets, pulling himself away from the counter and heading towards her. Y/n wanted to say goodbye and leave, run away as fast as possible. But she couldn't, every move he did was too tempting, so she just stood there watching him get closer and closer to her. He stopped in front of her and looked into her eyes, smiling slightly.

- What are you doing here? Do you work as a waiter at parties too? - Y/n asked curiously.

- My boss sometimes receives proposals for us to work at these rich parties... - he said with a shrug.

- Oh... Nice... - she said crossing her arms. - Well...Now I really have to go... - she said trying to get away from it one last time.

- Why did you really come here love? -Tom asked tilting his head a little to the side and she felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand up.

- I told you, I was looking for the bathroom. -Y/n looked at his face trying to be firm, but saw that he still wore that smirk. Why did he have to be so confident like that?

- Oh sure... Just like you also looked for some excuse that day for me to leave, but failed miserably?- he asked making a thoughtful face and she still hadn't decided if she wanted to slap him or kiss him.

- Why did you leave without saying goodbye tho? - She asked ignoring what he had said.

- So that's why you came after me? Are you hurt that I didn't leave you a goodbye kiss? - he said pouting.

- Of course not, I just... I don't know, it would be nice to say that you were leaving and that you wouldn't stay for breakfast... - Y/n said looking to the side, avoiding those brown eyes that intimidated her.

- Darling, I'm not that type guy, sorry...

- What type of guy? - she still avoided looking at him.

- The type who stay for breakfeast. -he said taking a hand from her pocket and taking her chin gently, making her look at him. - But if you want some fun I'm at your disposal. -he said and she bit her lower lip lightly making him deviate his eyes towards her lips. - Do you want darling?- he asked quietly and Y/n seemed to be transfixed by her touch. She was surrendered, she couldn't deny it. Maybe even hypnotized.

- I...- she said with a little shaky voice. - I don't know...

- Yes or no?- he asked looking from her lips to her eyes and she felt her breath getting heavy.

- Yes...- she just spoke as a whisper and he smiled satisfied.

- How about you meet me in 15 minutes in the bathroom of the pool house? - He said and she just shook her head slowly. Tom released her chin and backed away slowly, not taking his eyes off her, and then walked away leaving her alone with her heart racing.

Y/n took a deep breath and tried to place herself in what had just happened. Did she really want this? Her mind could try to hear the voice of reason, but it was drowned out by her body's reaction. She wanted to feel him again.

She walked away quickly, passing several people who were talking loudly or who were already drunk. She looked around and saw the door that led to the back side and sneak there, getting out and feeling the slightly chilly night air, closing the sliding door behind her.

She saw the pool that had some people around it and a little further to the right a door that opened into another closed space. Probably the pool house. She walked over there, trying to hide it so no one would see her, and went inside. She closed the front door slowly and headed towards the bathroom.

The place was dark, with only the lights outside. So she was holding her hand into to some stuff until he found the door. She went in and turned on the light. The bathroom was spacious, with a large sink and a huge mirror in front of it. She closed herself off and looked at herself in the reflection.

That was crazy. She had never done that at parties. Not even when she was drunk. And now she was there, looking forward to what might happen. In fact she knew what was going to happen, just as she knew when she invited him up to her apartment that night. But even so, she felt butterflies in her stomach in anticipation.

After almost 10 minutes of waiting she heard the bathroom door open and she turned in the direction, feeling extremely anxious. Tom came in looking over his shoulder and closed the door soon after, looking at her with an opening grin. He locked the door slowly with one hand and came towards her in a hurry.

The next thing she felt was his lips pressing against hers urgently. He kissed her like it was the last thing he would do. Running her tongue over her lips asking permission and Y/n opened it slowly letting him explore her mouth with his burning tongue.

She ran her hand around the back of his neck pulling his hair and he responded by holding her waist tightly. Tom walked forward and she leaned her back against the sink counter. Making him lift her with agility, sitting her down on the cold surface and getting between her legs. She grunted in surprise against his mouth and he broke the kiss for air. Kissing from her neck to her collarbone and she closed her eyes feeling his touch.

- Tom... - she said in a low voice. - You won't get in trouble if you disappear like that? -he now kissed her neckline and squeezed her thigh with desire.

- Not if we're fast darling. -He spoke a bit husky, moving his kisses to her earlobe, biting lightly and she moaned low. - And despite loving your sounds, you will have to be silent. - He looked at her smiling maliciously. - Promise? -He spoke touching her nose with his lightly, looking at her closely, and she nodded making him attack her lips next.

Still kissing her he pulled the hem of her dress up a little and she bit his lip making him smile against the kiss. Her fingers reached her inner thigh and then moved up to her panties. Tom put the fabric aside with one of her fingers and passed one slowly at her entrance feeling her wetness.

- Always ready for me aren't you darling? -He said pulling his mouth away from hers, staying just a few centimeters away from her. She moaned softly again and he smiled as he pulled her fingers away and replaced them around her thighs pulling her closer to the edge of the sink. He started to finger her really slowly and she bite her lips, trying to control her moaning. Tom keep his pace just watching her face squirm with pleasure. After seconds he removed his delicious fingers making her almost protest out loud, makind him smile even more. If wasn't for the rush he would definitively make his time with you.

Y/n then put his hands on the collar of his shirt and opened the first buttons. Kissing his neck with desire, making him squeeze her thighs in response. Biting her lips he unfastened his belt and then the buttons of his pants pulled them down along with his boxers, revealing his cock. He pulled her in for one more kiss before taking the condom package from his pocket and opening it, meanwhile Y/n was kissing uncovered place she could reach, from his face to his chest, opening more buttons of his shirt.

Tom adjusted the condom on his cock before taking a few thrusts. He moved even closer to her, if that was even possible, and gave her a peck.

- Ready? He spoke softly against her lips and she nodded almost in despair, wanting to feel him inside her more than anything.

He smiled once more and slid his cock easily as she was completely wet. Tom growled low against her ear and Y/n bit her lip so no sound could come out. He started to move, after she was more adjusted to his size, at first slowly and starting to increase his pace with each second.

-Fuck... - he cursed softly against her ear and she pulled the hair from his neck with one hand, while the other squeezed his shoulder. The more he increased the pace she felt as if she were coming off the ground. - So tight darling... - he said between small grunts. - Feels so good...

- Tom... - Y/n spoke and he increased the pace even more making her moan with the sudden sensation of pleasure and he muffled her sounds by sticking his lips on hers.

-Shh… - he said after moving his lips from hers and Y/n tried her best to keep the sounds to herself, but he filled her perfectly and made her feel so good that she couldn't help it. Tom smirked and put his hand over her mouth, covering her moans. - Can't contain yourself? -he said and kissed her neck giving light bites and hickeys. -You're so easy for me, love... Look at you...- he spoke in a low voice, while still holding his hand firm in her mouth and kissing below her ear. - So easy...- he said going faster, as if it were possible, and bit his lower lip trying to contain his own moans this time, touching his nose to her cheek.

- Please…- she managed to speak muffled against his hand, feeling her orgasm quickly building.

- I know sweetheart... - he said making her feel his heavy breath into her cheek. -I got you ...-he finally said and that was enough for her orgasm to release with force, making him also come right after her with one last muffled grunt against her neck. He continued to move slowly for a few more seconds, before coming to a complete stop. The two of them with their breaths out of control. Reaching their high.

After a few minutes Tom took his hand from her mouth and soon after took his member out of her slowly. The two were silent the entire time. Y/n felt empty as soonTom walked away to clean up, still half dazed from all the pleasure she just felt. He cleaned himself up and discarded the condom, zipping his pants and turned around, buttoning his shirt right away. Y/n didn't take her eyes off every move he made and he smiled approaching her.

- Want some help darling? - he asked standing in front of her and she held in his arms before he helped her getting down from the sink. She felt a little dizzy and if it wasn't for him holding her she thought she would fall. - You're right? - he asked still holding her on her waist.

- Yes...Thank you... - she managed to say.

- Well, I have to go, before they notice that I'm gone... - he said, releasing her.

- Of course... - Y/n said. - Tom… - she didn't know what to say. It might be the second time they'd done this, but it still felt like it was the first and she felt somewhat embarrassed. Maybe because she wasn't used to casual sex.

- See you soon? - He said giving a quick kiss on her cheek, fixing his hair in the best way he could and winking as he walked away, going to the door and unlocking it. He got out and closed it behind him while she back staring into the mirror.

She took a deep breath and was trying to figure out what to do next. After cleaning her up she finally got out of there. She crawled to the door and managed to get through the party without the weird looks she thought everyone would send to her when they bumped into her. For some reason she thought everyone would know, but obviously not. She felt weird doing that at an party, it really wasn't like her. But why did she feel so good?

She looked around before heading out of the house, but she didn't find Tom in her vision and she didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. She wanted to look at him one last time from afar, but at the same time she didn't. Maybe that was the last time they were going to do that. She didn't think she'd find him like this anywhere else, and she didn't intend to go to the bar he worked at just to get another night with him. Besides, that's what she was, just one night, just a "quickie" in the bathroom. And everything was fine. He was that for her too, so what did it matter?

For a moment she felt his head fill with ideas. Y/n had a perfect plot for her story now. She had to go home and get back to writing right away. Calling the driver from a distance, she practically ran towards the car.

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