#i should be able to make at least some of this shit happen ???? idk. i'll try

[unreadpoppy]

Saw a video and it got me in a mood so i'm making this post.

I don't think people who have never been fat knows how fucking hard it is to find clothing for bigger bodies.

The first issue is finding stuff in your actual size. Because time after time after time and time again I've gone to a store and they only had small and medium sizes. Not even large. And this was not for a few clothes, no. It was for MOST clothes that I found interesting. And then the ones that were marked as large were simply not big enough.

And I know that the reason for that is that brands simply won't make clothes for fat people. It's that because it surely isn't because the large size is selling out fast. They just don't do it. And some people have the nerve to say 'well brands are not obligated to make sizes for everyone' yeah sure, but also, I can't walk naked on the street can I?

Like I don't get it. 'oh but we want our clothes to fit a especific body' so fucking make clothes that are supposed to fit bigger bodies. Doesn't have a to be a whole ass collection.

And then we get on the second problem which is making clothes for plus size people that are ugly as hell. It's always the same stuff: ugly florals, animal print that belongs in another decade, cold shoulders, that weird extra fabric at the end of a shirt to hide the belly, or just black/muted colors.

Like fun fact. If you have big boobs, the hardest thing in the world is trying to find a bra that comes in a color that isn't white, black or beige. Because trust me, I've spent 3 hours walking in the shopping mall and I couldn't find anything that fit my breasts that was like pink (and in that situation I needed a pink bra for a play).

It feels like most clothes made for plus sized people are designed with like 50+ year old white women in mind, and not even that demographic of people are wearing those clothes (my mom is a plus sized 50+ year old white woman and often talks about how ugly some clothes made for people her size are).

It's hard trying to develop your own sense of style when none of the clothes around you are in your size, and when they do, they are just not good looking to you.

But you wanna know what's the down right worst part? Do you know what fucking brand has clothes that look good and are amde for bigger bodies?

The goddamn cancer on this earth that is Shein.

I fucking hate shein. Fast fashion is killin the fashion industry, they literally have people working as slaves and many influecers buy shein clothes by the bulk only to then throw it in the trash. Shein is awful.

But. Unfortunetly, shein is the only place that I found that had clothes that fit me and looked good. I don't like that. I avoided buying from shein for the longest time ever, but jesus christ, when you can't find clothes anywhere else you get desperate.

I tried looking for other places. I tried looking at my local clothing stores and everything was too small for me. I tried looking at online small bussinesses but they either didn't make my size, or it was sold out, or the prices were very high. Tried looking at thrift stores, also didn't find my size.

I try not to buy too much from shein or to spend long periods of time in between buying, because again, I feel bad about buying there. I don't want to buy from there.

Clothing brands/stores gotta do better. And I don't think that's asking for too much.

[burinazar]

[some brief suicide ideation mentions in this post] for those kind of newer to the ebilxperience, my mental health has been way waaaay better since like late 2021 to now than it has for most of my life up to that point (people who followed me before then might remember some...intense sadposting). I just haven't really felt...too super bad very often. I feel bad sometimes but not so bad I wanted to die, which used to be a regular problem. The episodes of intense suicide ideation in response to feelings of wasted potential or the inevitability of feeling isolation from other human beings just sort of stopped happening. I would chalk all of this up to unknowable brain chemistry, by the way, and not any external causes I've been able to identify.

At the time that this changed, what also became clear was the inability to get shit done that we had all just thought was depression did not go away when my depression magically cleared itself out of the way. I still kind of really sucked at getting shit done. This is what ultimately enabled the late-ass-and-i'm-still-not-entirely-convinced-im-not-somehow-faking-it ADHD diagnosis from my psych who was like Oh. Actually That Tracks. The things I'm not good at making myself do largely extend to anything that both involve a risk of rejection/hurt feelings, anything that requires some believe I personally 'deserve it' (job apps, asking for references), and things that don't have built-in accountability/deadlines (funny stupid example: i'll do a job app for sure if someone I know referred me to the position and is going to be aware/disappointed if I don't submit it, because that too is a form of fearing rejection! so oops, i hacked my rejection anxiety into making myself take a risk).

As you can imagine a lot of career related and interpersonal activities, as well as various day to day life tasks, fall into a combo of these things. I haven't really been able to fix that and by objective life milestone measures continue to underachieve in both career stuff and interpersonal relationships. But...it hasn't gotten me down for the past couple years, and the biggest reason is I've been able to get a lot of joy out of my art and writing during this time period.

And this....allows me to...kind of avoid having to look at how unfulfilling those areas are. But I really need to...face it.

Because I've become more and more aware that there are people, ones around my general age range, ones who may face similar Brain Issues or corresponding obstacles, that do go and find self fulfillment in more than one of these fronts. I actually got super sad about this last night for the first time in ages cuz I heard from someone who has a lot of interests in common with me but was finding fulfillment on multiple fronts, creative *and* interpersonal *and* career.

And maybe it's greedy of me to want it, but god, the life where I get to do all my silly creative bullshit/wrting/art/pet ownership but *miraculously, also, somehow* have a job and career that I don't feel conflicted and unhappy and 'i never really tried to make my dreams manifest' about, and am able to make new friendships and like date and stuff, I...do think I want that for myself and have been denying both that desire and the fact I might have the potential to achieve it.

idk this is kind of nothing but tl;dr i'm gonna start trying again and just wanted to ramble about it on tungus for a sec

[ahgasegotarmy116]

Faking It | Jeon Jungkook | Chapter One

Summary: Being divorced by the time you're thirty isn't the best feeling in the world but what happens when your parents find someone from your past that's in a similar boat? Pairing: f!reader (30) x Single Dad Jungkook (33) (Arranged Marriage Slow Burn?) Word Count: 11.3k (oh man holy shit) Warnings: Troubles with conceiving/seeing pregnancies to full term, Jungkook's first wife passed away in childbirth. (These themes will be spoken about throughout the fic and I will add extra warnings when need be in future chapters) a/n: Okay this one is gonna be a long one (in terms of chapter length, idk how many parts there will be) I'm really really in love with this story line so I hope you'll come along this cute, silly, awkward, heartwarming and heartbreaking journey with me 🥰 p.s. I've been brainstorming with @kkusadmirer (ofc 🤭) about this fic for a while now and I've just fallen in love with these characters too much that I had to get at least one part out. Okay okay enough from me. I hope you enjoy! (barely edited per usual I'm sry 😅)

"You should start dating again" my mom says to me, a dinner with a table for two this time since she said she wanted to talk to me about something important. If I would've known it was to nag me about something like this again I would've declined the invitation.

"Mom I already told you, I just got divo-" "You got divorced last year" she cuts me off and I sigh, knowing I'll probably get no where with this argument but continue on nevertheless.

"Point being, it hasn't been that long since Robert and I got divorced. I need time and space to figure out what I want out of life. I'm not interested in rushing into another marriage just for it to fail again" I explain and she simply downs the rest of her champagne in response, polishing it off in record time.

"You don't want to end up an old maid who didn't give me any grandchildren do you?" she says, repeating the same old argument again. "Mom I'm thirty, not forty five. I still have plenty of time to worry about babies and getting married again" I argue and she rolls her eyes before asking for another glass when the waiter passes by.

"You should at least try. Don't you like going out on dates?" she asks and I sigh, hating having this conversation over and over again.

"Dating was fun in my twenties but now that I'm more interested in finding someone to settle down with, it seems like all the guys that are remotely my age and happen to be decent human beings are already married" I explain and watch how she immediately takes her glass of champagne off the table once it's placed in front of her.

I'm glad she's drinking because having this conversation with her when she's sober is even more painful.

"You're exaggerating honey. I'm sure there is a fine young man just waiting for you around the corner" but before I'm able to respond to her, her eyes suddenly light up and she quickly gets out of her seat.

"Is it really you?" she says and another woman around her age that I've never seen before comes up to greet her. "How are you? It's been so long!" the mystery woman says and they quickly share an embrace before she turns to face me.

"And who is this beautiful young woman here with you?" she asks, making me shy away from them. "Oh this is my daughter y/n. Y/n this is Mrs. Jeon" she introduces us and tells me all about how they used to go to college together.

"Oh wow I think I remember my mom mentioning you before. You used to come over when I was little right?" I question, now remembering seeing her face in some of the pictures in my baby album.

"That's right! Little Jungkook and I used to come visit you all the time when you were just a teeny tiny little thing. You were the easiest baby I've ever come across, always sleeping and when you woke up you were as happy as can be" she rambles and I get a warm feeling in my chest, loving to have met someone who clearly cared so deeply for my mother and I.

"Who's Jungkook" I ask, looking back and forth between the two of them. "Jungkook is my son, he's just a few years older than you. I remember he was so fascinated by you, always wanting to come over and would watch over you as you slept, never causing a fuss as long as you were around" she says and I blush at the fact that her son would care about me just as much if not more than she does.

"How is he? Is he doing alright?" my mother asks and Mrs. Jeon gets a somber look on her face eyes fluttering to the floor before responding.

"Actually, he lost his wife a few years ago. She passed away after she gave birth to their daughter" she mumbles and I feel my chest tighten up at the thought of someone so young losing their life to something that is supposed to be so beautiful.

"My condolences to you all" I say, my eyes going glossy and she smiles in return, the memory bringing a tear to her eye as well. "Thank you love, that's very kind of you" she says, placing a hand on my shoulder before she clears her throat and blinks back her tears, wanting to put on a brave face in public.

"Why don't you come visit us at our home tomorrow evening? I would love to catch up and it would be good if the kids got reacquainted again" my mother suggests and I glare at her, knowing exactly what she's doing but also knowing there's no way I could stop her. 

"I would love that! Our husbands might enjoy catching up too since they used to get along so well" Mrs. Jeon points out. "Then it's settled! How would you feel about making it a dinner instead?" my mother questions, digging us deeper into this evening we'll all be spending together. "I think that sounds perfect!" she agrees and I tune out the rest of the conversation, already trying to mentally prepare myself for the scheming I know my mother has planned.

~~~~

Kicking off my shoes and walking into my apartment I'm greeted by the serene sound of silence. 

My black tuxedo cat meows as he jumps down from his cat tower and stretches for a second before coming over to greet me. "Hi Salem" I say, scooping him up and carrying him with me into my bedroom where I plop him down in the middle of my bed. "Mom only invited me to dinner because she wanted to tell me to start dating again" I relay to him, while I walk around my room, grabbing all the things I'll need to get ready for bed.

"I should've known she was up to something when she decided to invite me out on a random Wednesday night to go to my favorite restaurant. If the previous glances I had of the totals on those receipts didn't clue me in enough I don't know what would" I say in disbelief, having convinced myself hours earlier that it might've been about something good instead of another chance to nag me about something.

"I don't know why I even bother sometimes. She just has this worst case scenario mindset that I'm going to die alone and not leave a legacy. I understand that I'm their only child but with the way she talks, you would think I was well into my forties already" I say, verbally processing to him while he curls up into a ball, his eyes watch me walk back and forth until I walk into the en-suite bathroom to turn on the shower.

"Thanks for always listening to me Salem" I say, walking back over to him and scratching his head, "Don't know what I would do without you" I mumble before walking back over to the bathroom and closing the door.

Looking in the mirror I study my features, my hair styled just how I like it, my brows perfectly shaped but when I get to my eyes I notice it. I notice why my mother has gotten so worried about me.

It's as if the light's gone out of them. It's more than just 'Hey it's been a long day and I'm tired' no it's 'I don't even know what I'm doing here anymore' and for the first time, I admit to myself that I truly feel that way.

I reach for my cleanser and quickly wash off the little makeup that I still have on, lips completely plain and gone back to their natural color and some how my cheeks don't seem to be as rosy anymore after I had made sure to put on some more blush today to bring some color back to my face. Maybe it's not the makeup that's been washing me out, but the way that I've been living.

I will admit my days consist of going to work and coming home and doing that same thing over and over again. I don't really go out much and I only have a few friends but ever since I got divorced I just end up politely declining any sort of invitation I get from them. Doesn't matter if it's dinner or drinks or clubbing or even just a shopping trip.

I just can't get myself wanting to do anything anymore.

I step into the shower and I flinch slightly at the burning sensation the hot water brings to me but adjust it and step further under the stream once it's just to my liking. While going though my shower routine mindlessly I start trying to get to the bottom of what has got me living like this.

Robert wasn't the best husband in the world, mainly because he cheated on me but before that things were good between us. He made me laugh and was a perfect gentleman that always made me feel special and when we got married I swear I thought I couldn't be happier. 

It felt like my life was falling into place, our life.

Until it wasn't.

I'm knocked out of my train of thought when I hear Salem pawing at the door and remember now that in my whirl winded state of mind I forgot to feed him. "Sorry Salem I'll be right out!" I call out for him and he meows in response. I swear that cat is more intelligent than I am most days.

I finish up my uninteresting night as I always do, turning out the lights and cuddling up with Salem until I eventually fall asleep but it took a little longer tonight. Thoughts full of what my future might look like if I don't start living instead of just existing. 

As the 'what ifs' plague my mind they eventually drown themselves out as that same welcoming feeling of calm finally lulls me to sleep. 

~~~~~~

"Hurry up they're almost here" my mother says, yanking me inside the house before I even have a chance to knock on the front door. "Nice to see you too mom" I say under my breath and she's wound up so tight it doesn't even phase her. I can tell she's been working hard to make sure everything is perfect once the Jeons arrive.

"Did you get that wine I told you to get?" she questions, her eyes lighting up at the sight of the wine bottle carrier in my hand, quickly taking it and rushing into the kitchen. "Yeah no problem mom you're welcome" I say, talking to the air in front of me still waiting for her to show any sign of gratitude.

"Go place your things in your old room so they're out of the way" she call out, leaving me sighing and trudging off to do as she says.

Once I retrace my steps and walk past the door to go to join her in the kitchen I'm stopped in my tracks when the doorbell rings.

"Oh honey can you get that? My hands are tied here" my mom yells and I take a deep breath in and out before doing just that.

"Hello y/n! It's so nice to see you again" Mrs. Jeon greets me as I step aside and let them in, soon after her is her husband who holds out his hand in greeting. "It's been quiet a long time hasn't it? I remember when you use to be-" "Grandpa! Grandpa! I wanna meet the pretty lady too!" a little girl no older than five years old says, walking around her grandfather's legs to get to me, greeting me with the most adorable bunny smile.

"And now who might this be?" I ask, already melting into a puddle from seeing how absolutely adorable she is. "I'm Juni" she laughs when I go down to her level. "Well it's very nice to meet you Juni and how old are you?" I ask and she lights up when I continue taking an interest in her. "I'm four! Well Daddy says I'm turning five soon but it feels like it's taking forever. Right Daddy?" she says and looks back towards the man now left standing in the doorway.

"That's right Juni" he responds and the deep tenor of his voice sends a slight shiver down my spine, so full of love and admiration that is obvious to anyone who might come across the pair. "Oh!" I say, quickly straightening back up to meet this mysterious Jungkook and my throat goes dry once I've laid eyes on him.

Tall, strong build, dark brown hair that's well taken care of and styled perfectly, strong jawline accompanied by the contrast of the softest look in his brown almost black galaxy eyes that are still focused on his beautiful daughter.

"I'm sorry" I say but he shakes his head before he turns his head in my direction, taking in the sight of me as well before speaking. "That's alright, Juni kind of grabs everyone's attention right away" he says giving me a soft smile. "I'm Jungkook" he says, holding his hand out to me. "Y/n" I say shyly and shake it, his hands being much larger than mine is comforting in a way.

"My mom told me we used to come see you when we still lived here" he says once we let go, Juni now quietly watching our exchange. "Used to?" I question, curious to know more about why our mothers had lost touch. "We went back to our hometown for a while and then moved back to the city soon after Juni was born" he says and I nod my head, accepting that as an answer for now but wanting to know more.

"Sounds like I was just an infant though so I don't really have any memory of it" I admit while rocking back and forth on my heels, a nervous habit I've picked up over the years. "It's alright, I didn't expect you to remember" he chuckles, "I was only three so I don't remember much of it either" we laugh at his returned confession and a more comfortable air settles between us.

"Well it's nice to finally meet you" I say and he nods his head. "Likewise" he replies and we stand there for a moment, not really knowing where to go from here then, thankfully Juni breaks the silence.

"Daddy I wanna talk to the pretty lady" she says and grabs my hand and pulls me away from him. "Be nice Juni" he warns and she pouts, leaving me crouching down to her level and tilting my head to meet her gaze. "There's enough of me to go around little one. Don't worry" I say, booping her on the nose and making her giggle again.

Jungkook walks in a bit more and closes the door behind him, watching our little exchange before my mother comes out to check on us.

"Y/n why don't you take Jungkook and..." she says trailing off, not having learned his daughter's name yet. "Juni" Jungkook says and my mother smiles at the sound of the adorable name. "Jungkook and Juni outside. I'm sure she'd love to run around a little bit before dinner is ready" she suggests and I agree while Juni starts jumping up and down, excited to explore an unfamiliar place.

Jungkook follows closely behind as I lead the way but I ultimately end up getting dragged along by Juni who is surprisingly perceptive and has already mapped out the door that we'll be going through. "Come on Daddy keep up!" she calls after him once we've reached the door, looking back and seeing that he's fallen behind.

"I'm right behind you Juni" Jungkook chuckles and once we step outside Juni lets go and runs back and forth all around the yard, looking at anything and everything she can find.

"Be careful!" I say, worried that she could hurt herself but Jungkook comes over and stands next to me and reassures me she'll be fine.

"It's alright, if she gets hurt it'll be a little reminder to pay attention to what she's doing next time. That's the only way kids really learn right?" he says turning towards me, granting me with a soft smile, almost as if he's looking for validation on his parenting choice.

"Of course," I respond, returning the smile, "even some adults need to crash and burn before they learn their lesson sometimes" I point out and it makes him relax a bit more, thankful to see that he's right in his dealings with situations like this.

"She's a good kid" I say after leading him over to the patio set we have out here so we can sit down and watch her. "Thanks, it's been difficult raising her on my own so I'm never really sure if I'm doing a good job or not" he admits and I nod my head, taking a second to think about my response since it's a sensitive subject.

"I can tell that you love her very much so I have no doubt in my mind that you'll always do right by her" and I can tell that my words bring him a sense of comfort. Being a single parent can be extremely difficult especially when you lose the love of your life as soon as you become a father. 

I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone.

"Y/n?" I hear him call out and realize that my mind had drifted off for a second. "I'm sorry what did you say?" I say, my cheeks heating up from having been caught daydreaming. "I asked if you had any children of your own" he chuckles and I again try to figure out the best way to word this but figure the best way to go about it is to be honest. 

I've got no reason to hide from him.

"No, I got divorced last year and my ex husband and I were never able to have children" I say, looking down at my lap, embarrassed to have admitted it but also feeling a certain weight lifted off my shoulders.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know" he trails off and I panic, realizing I might've made him feel uncomfortable, telling him something so personal so soon. "No don't be, I honestly dodged a bullet with that one" I chuckle, hoping to lighten the situation a bit which thankfully it does as I see his body relax a bit.

"Our relationship had been on the rocks soon after we got married and I don't think we were a good match for each other so I think it was the universe's way of doing me a favor in making us somewhat biologically incompatible" I chuckle and he softly does the same.

"Biologically incompatible" he questions, a deeper meaning obviously hidden behind those words. "We both got checked out and everything looked completely fine but I guess it wasn't meant to be, thank God" I sigh, sincerely thanking whoever might've been in charge of making that executive decision for us.

"I'm not exactly sure what to say to that but I'm glad it worked out?" he states almost as if it was a question and I laugh, in response hoping I can recover this incredibly awkward conversation. "I'm sorry, that was a huge overshare that I probably should've kept to myself" I say, clearing my throat in hopes it would aid in clearing the peculiar air that had settled between us.

"You have nothing to apologize for, I asked and I feel honored that you felt comfortable enough to be so transparent with your answer" he says, the warmth in his tone giving me an ache in my chest. How could someone be so kind to someone they've just met? It's as if I could tell him anything and he would listen to me as if I was the only person in the world.

"Daddy!" 'Well me and Juni', I say to myself and watch as his attention now shifts to his daughter who is running up behind me. "Daddy look!" Juni says, holding out her hands that are now thoroughly caked in mud but hold a rock that is almost a perfectly shaped heart in the center of her palm. "Oh Juni" Jungkook chuckles, the ends of her dress now matching the state of her hands and neither Jungkook nor I can hold in our laughter.

"That's a very beautiful rock Juni! You're so clever" I say and I can see a sense of pride straighten her posture a little bit. "Juni your beautiful dress" Jungkook chuckles, clearly not minding but also trying to figure out what to do. "I'm sorry Daddy" she say, that pride slowly dwindling after seeing the mess she's made of herself.

"Hey Juni" I say, turning her attention back to me and I can see her spirits lift a little. "Would you like to see some of the clothes that I used to wear when I was your age?" I ask and her eyes light up at the thought. "Did you wear pretty dresses too?" she asks, clearly excited about seeing more new things. Her childlike wonderment makes my heart ache. Must run in the family.

"I did, but none of them were as pretty as yours. If you like, you can borrow one of mine while we wash this one" I suggest and the way her head nods up and down so fast makes me chuckle.

"Let's go to my room then! Hopefully we can find something you'll like" I say, standing up and straightening my dress while Jungkook reaches out for Juni's foot.

"Let's take your shoes off before we go back inside baby. We wouldn't want to track any mud into the pretty lady's house right?" Jungkook says, flashing a soft smile at me before looking back down to complete his intended task and Juni complies right away. 

My breath hitches as he purposefully uses the nickname Juni had given me and I quickly walk past them and open the door to go inside, trying to clear my head for a second, willing myself to keep it together.  

"Are you coming with us?" Juni asks and he nods his head, "I gotta go clean your shoes off first though" he says and I walk all three of us over to the bathroom so Jungkook can do just that as well as wash Juni's hands off.

"Wow!" is the first word that comes out of her mouth when we walk into the butterfly themed bedroom, mesmerizing her from the first glance. "Your room is so pretty!" she says, quickly running around here and there, being careful not to get too close since we haven't gotten a chance to change her dress yet.

"You like it?" I question and she's quick to nod her head again. "I wish my room looked like this" she says, spying all of the little butterfly details from the dainty embroidering on the bedspread to the knobs on the dresser, all of them working in harmony.

"We can go look for some butterfly stuff next time we go to the store if you'd like" Jungkook says while he walks into the room and right up to her while she stares up at the ceiling where there are a couple scattered across it. Nothing is too over the top but there is clearly a theme going on that she is captivated by.

"Really?" she asks, confirmation of what he's said being important to make sure she's hear him right. "Promise" he says holding out his pinky that she quickly wraps her's around as best as she can with her little ones being so tiny in comparison to his. She looks at the two of us before beckoning Jungkook to come closer so she can whisper something in his ear.

"Can the pretty lady come with us too?" she 'whispers' in his ear almost as loud as her speaking voice and I try to hold back my laughter, pretending like I didn't hear a thing. "Why don't you ask her?" he whispers and when he leans back she looks him in the eyes and he nods to further encourage her.

"Um, would you like to go shopping with us to get butterflies for my room too?" she asks, walking up to me shyly. Jungkook looks at me with a soft smile and I notice how the tips of his ears have almost gotten a little pink, his expression soft and charming but his body still showing tell tale signs of nervousness.

"Sure Juni, I'd love to go shopping with you" I say and she giggles in response while running back to her Daddy. "Can we go right now?" she asks jumping up and down. "We'll go another time don't worry baby, we've gotta set up a time so the pretty lady can go with us too right?" he reminds her and although she's sad she has to wait she nods in agreement. "Good, now let's get you out of this so we can make you all nice and clean again" he says, unzipping the back of her dress and revealing the cute little white tank top and tights that she wore under it.

I focus my attention on opening up the closet and grabbing a couple of dresses out for her to choose from. "These ones should fit. Which one would you like to wear Juni?" I say and her eyes flitter back and forth between all of them before giving her a Daddy a devious smile and hugging them to her chest. "I want all of them" she giggles and my heart melts, thinking about how fun it would be if I had a daughter just like her.

"Pick one Juni" Jungkook chuckles and she pulls back flipping through the selection I've made before her eyes light up and find the one she's dying to wear. "This one, this one!" she says, lightly holding onto the skirt and jumping up and down. I shift my grasp on them and hold out the one she chose for Jungkook to take and once he does there a static jolt of electricity that shocks us leaving the both of us pulling away slightly.

"Sorry it's probably from all the fabric of the dresses" I explain and he smiles in response. "Don't worry about it. A little spark never hurt anyone" he says and it's almost as if his voice had dropped a bit with that remark, leaving me widening my eyes a bit before turning back around and placing the dresses back in the closet. 

Why does he make me so nervous?

"Lady, lady look!" I hear from behind, and watch as Juni turns this way and that once Jungkook has finished putting the dress on her. "My goodness Juni don't you look adorable!" I say and she runs up to the the mirror in the corner of the room, watching the skirt swish this way and that. "Say thank you Ms y/n" Jungkook says, correcting Juni and finally telling her my name. She sounded too cute calling me 'the pretty lady' I just didn't have the heart to tell her otherwise.

"Thank you Ms y/n!" she says, running up to me and wrapping her arms around my legs since she is still  too small to reach anywhere else. "You're welcome Juni" I say, smiling down at her and smoothing her hair down. "Remember Juni, we're just borrowing it so we can wash your dress. We have to give it back to Ms. y/n before we leave" Jungkook says and I can see her excitement dwindle a bit but is no less thankful for being able to wear it tonight.

"Thank you for letting me borrow it Ms. y/n!" she says and I smile again, falling more and more in love with this adorable little girl with every smile she graces me with. "You're welcome" I say and she lets go of me and twirls around in it before stopping.

"Oh! I promise to be really careful and keep this one clean" she says holding out her pinky to do just as she had done with her father moments ago and I kneel down to her level and do just that before booping her on the nose causing another fit of giggles to spill out of her.

"Y/n, dinner is ready" my mother says while poking her head around the corner and I can tell she is completely satisfied by the scene that she's walked in on. "Oh Juni what a beautiful dress!" my mother says, noticing it right away, remembering it was one of my favorites. "Ms y/n gave it to me!" she says, swishing around in it again before doing a full twirl for us.

"Well aren't you the most darling little girl I've ever seen! Are you ready to eat? I heard that mashed potatoes are one of your favorite foods right?" my mom says, holding out her hand for Juni to take and she gladly does.

"Did my grandma tell you that?" she asks, clearly surprised that this complete stranger already knew something about her. "Yes she did. I hope you like them!" my mom says and Juni rushes down the hallway dragging my mom behind her. "Juni be careful!" Jungkook calls out to her but my mom just laughs it off.

"Why don't you show Jungkook where the laundry room is so you can put her dress in the washer" my mom offers up and I nod my head and look up at him. "That's okay I can just wash it when we get home" he says, politely declining the offer. "It's alright, it's best to wash it right away so it doesn't stain" I say, holding out my hand for the dress and he smiles before handing it to me and following my lead.

"You have a lovely home" he says shyly, looking this way and that taking notice of the small details just as Juni did. 'Like father like daughter' I think to myself. "It was my childhood home as you could probably tell from my old room" I say and he hums in response as I stop at the door to the laundry room.

"I know Juni is never going to stop talking about it" he chuckles and I smile at the loving tone that is always present in his voice whenever he speaks about her. We stand there in silence for a bit while I gather the various cleaning products I'll need.

"If you like, I can show you how to get stains like this out? If there was ever a day when I was her age that I didn't get some sort of dirt, mud or grass stains on my clothes my mother would write that down as a national holiday" I say and he laughs at that before accepting the offer.

"Sure, I'd like that" for some reason I can't seem to find the right words so I simply turn around and rinse off the mud in the little sink we have in here. "Do you think you could get that one for me?" I ask, nodding toward one of the stain removers. He wordlessly does as I ask and helps apply a drop or two of it to each of the areas I point out.

"I could've done that" he says now realizing how he's just standing there watching me clean his daughter's dress. "No, that's okay I offered!" I say, reassuring him that I don't mind. I wordlessly ask for the next stain remover before rubbing it in and ringing out the excess water. He opens up the washer lid for me and I toss it in and look this way and that for the laundry detergent.

"Looking for this?" he asks, pulling it off the shelf above the washer. "See, that's a perk of living on my own now. I don't have to worry about things being up too high for me anymore" I chuckle and quickly scoop in the appropriate amount and start the washer.

"Well let me know if you ever need anyone to get something that's out of your reach, it's one of the perks of being tall" he jokes and I laugh but almost shy away from the fact that he expects to see me again. "So I've heard" I say and try to put the detergent back on my own but it soon tips back over and is close to crashing down until he catches it, which in turn ends with him trapping me between him and the washer.

He slides the detergent back in it's spot and takes half a step back, giving me the smallest bit of space. "Why didn't you let me help you? I was standing right here?" he asks, tilting his head at me. "I don't know, I guess I'm just used to doing things on my own now" I chuckle awkwardly. "Well hopefully you'll get used to letting me help you soon" he says, finally taking another step back and giving me a bit more space to breathe.

"Sorry about that" I apologize awkwardly, leaning my back against the washer now with him leaning up against the wall directly in front of me and giving me a crooked smile. "Don't apologize, there's nothing wrong with being independent" he says and quickly scans my body but he does it so fast that if I would've blinked I would've missed it.

"Daddy it's time for dinner" Juni says, her soft steps not having been heard by either of us over the sound of the washer, breaking us out of the little moment that we had been having. "Okay Juni we're coming" he chuckles and holds out his hand for her to take but she giggles and dodges it, reaching for mine instead.

I squeeze past Jungkook as this little room is only wide enough for one person to walk through and the front of our bodies brush up against each other only for a moment until she's tugged me halfway out the door. "Let's be a train Daddy! Grab onto Ms. y/n's hand so you can be the caboose!" she says, turning this trip down the hallway into a game.

"Oh that's okay sweetie why don't you-" he starts but I hold out my hand for him to take, him only having refused for my sake, not wanting to make me uncomfortable with any unwanted skinship. "Grab on Daddy!" Juni giggles and I look up at him and see that he's looking down at me. He chuckles before grabbing onto my hand and the both of us are soon trailing behind Juni as she drags us to the dining room.

Once we get to the dinner table Juni lets go of my hand and runs back to where Jungkook's mom is so she can continue to help her eat her mashed potatoes. 

When everyone notices that Jungkook and I have arrived, we're greeted with four sets of eyes, all of them extremely happy to see us. It's then when I realize that we were still holding hands so I gently slide mine out of his, almost wishing I didn't have to.

He looks down at where our hands had been connected when I do and I can almost see that he's also disappointed that I let go but his expression is quickly replaced by an awkward smile aimed at our parents. 

When I look at the table I see that Jungkook and I are meant to sit directly across from each other. Which I'm sure is another one of my mother's ploys to get us to keep glancing up at each other, this time though I don't really mind.

When I go to walk to one side to sit down next to Mr. Jeon, Jungkook follows right behind me. 

"Oh did you want to sit on this side?" I ask him and he shakes his head, "No, I just wanted to pull your chair out for you" he says and I feel butterflies in my stomach. "Oh, okay" I say quietly and watch as he does just that and slides the chair in behind me once I've sat down. "Thank you" I reply, smiling up at him and he does so in return before rounding the table to take a seat in his place.

"So y/n, your mother told us that you work in photography, is that right?" she asks and I take a drink of water before responding. "Well not really, I've done a few freelance jobs here and there. Enough to keep me afloat so to say but I hope to do it full time soon!" I say and I see Jungkook perk up at that.

"Jungkook has always loved photography as well! He's always been tinkering away with cameras since he was just a few years older than Juni" his mother says while Jungkook cleans off Juni's face as it seems like she's gotten more food on her face than in her mouth.

"What subject do you usually shoot?" I ask, curious to see where his interests lie. "Mostly editorial, but I tend to enjoy the shoots a lot more when they have to do with nature. I believe beauty can be found in almost anything so I tend to just capture whatever inspires me at the moment" he says, his answer being very similar to mine.

"I feel the same way" I respond simply before shying away from the topic as I feel our parents are studying our interaction.

Once they notice the silence they decide to pick up the conversation just throwing facts about Jungkook and I back and forth, pretty much doing the getting to know you game for us without giving us much room to get a word in edgewise. Which leaves the both of us to just follow the conversation and occasionally making eye contact when either side makes a slightly embarrassing comment.

"Hey Dad" Jungkook calls out to his father over the never ending conversation they're having about us. "How's that new project at work going?" he says and I can already tell that it's one of those kinds of topics that once you get him started on it he won't stop and that's just the case as we now watch the conversation take a turn that is thankfully so far off from the two of us.

As time ticks by and the subjects change a few more times I notice that Jungkook has started to get up and clear the table to which I jump up in response to help him.

"Oh Jungkook don't worry about that I can do it later" my mother says but he shakes his head. "It's the least I could do after you've provided this wonderful dinner for my family and I" he says and I can almost see my mother swooning from his response. "Well thank you very much, sweetie can you show him where to place them, just next to the sink is fine" she says to me and I nod, looking up at him and nodding my head towards the direction of the kitchen.

Once we've gone there and back from the table a few times I decide to just start loading up the dishwasher, trying to escape that mortifying conversation for as long as I can. "I brought your glass for you. Wasn't sure if you were planning to finish it or not" he says, walking over and placing my wine glass on the counter next to me. "Thanks" I say quietly, neither of us having said a word to each other since the very beginning of that dinner.

"Your parents are really sweet" he says, breaking the ice and clearly acknowledging how obvious they all were about their motives. "Yours too. I'm sorry about tonight" I say and his brows furrow, clearly not understanding why I would need to apologize. "I knew my mom would end up doing something like this but once her mind is made up there's no stopping her" I admit and he gives me a crooked smile in response.

"Don't worry, I knew what all of them were up to too. My mother was praising you so much and telling me how beautiful and smart and respectful you are so I had an inkling that this was their plan all along" he says and I turn away from him, trying to hide my flustered expression.

"She's right you know" he says, coming around to stand next to me, leaning against the counter while I face it, cleaning up the inside of the sink and grabbing the towel next to me to dry my hands.

"Right about what?" I question, now turning to face him and noticing just how close he's gotten. "About how beautiful you are" he says and I have to blink a few times, trying to figure out why this incredibly handsome man in my kitchen is flirting with me.

I just wanna thank past me because whatever I did in my last life must've been incredible if I'm being offered up a man as remarkable as he is.

"I-" I start but am soon interrupted by my mom walking in on us. "Y/n could you- oh! I'm sorry, as you were" she says, taking small backward steps out of the kitchen, keeping hers eyes on the two of us before turning around to walk back to the living room that they had moved to.

"I'm sorry about her" I say, taking a drink of my wine but he laughs it off. "It's alright, I don't mind" he says watching me with curious eyes as I polish off the rest of it. "Juni has taken a real liking to you" he says and my heart melts at the sound of her name.

"Really? She's probably the happiest child I've ever seen. I really like her too" I say and he smiles, no doubts memories over the years flashing through his head.

"You've done a really good job raising her Jungkook" I say, and his eyes flutter back to mine, this time being the first time I've spoken his name and it looks as if just that alone brought him so much satisfaction. "Thank you y/n" he says, and I feel my heart flutter, the deep baritone of his voice sending a shiver down my spine.

"Daddy can I have some cake?" we hear as Juni walks into the kitchen, "Can I have some cake..." Jungkook says, trailing off and waiting for those magic words. "Please?" she says, realizing what he had been getting at.

"Sure baby, Ms. y/n and I will bring it out in a second okay?" he says making her smile as she runs out of the kitchen "Thank you" she calls out over her shoulder leaving the two of us laughing at her enthusiasm.

"That's probably what my mom was coming in to ask us for" I say and he nods in agreement, helping me carry everything out so we can all have a slice of the small cake my mom had gotten for tonight. "How much you want to bet that they sent Juni looking for us earlier too?" he whispers to me as we make our way over to where everyone else has gathered. "You might be right about that one" I whisper back, quickly catching onto all of their little games.

After setting the cake and all of the plates and forks down on the coffee table my mom takes on the task of cutting it up and serving it, with the very first piece going to little Miss Juni. "Thank you!" she says, eyes wide as saucers leaving all of us cooing at her. "Eat slow Juni" Jungkook reminds her, no doubt having troubles with her eating her desserts too quickly.

I take on the task of helping my mother hand out the slices and once I give one to Jungkook I finally notice that the only empty seat is right next to him and he looks down at it before looking back up at me in a silent invitation to sit down and I take it cautiously.

The couch that we're sitting on is kind of a love seat ironically, seeing as the whole theme of tonight is trying to set us up with each other.

Once I've sat down I realize that I've sat right next to him to the point of where my shoulder ended up bumping into his. "Oh! I'm sorry" I say, scooting away from him but with the size of the couch I don't really end up moving all that much. "It's okay I don't mind" he says, before taking a bite of his cake and turning to face the rest of the group.

The seven of us continue talking and talking until we notice that Juni has fallen asleep in her grandma's lap. "Here mom let me take her" Jungkook says, standing up but both my mom and his stand up and wave him off. "That's okay, we're just gonna go put her down in y/n's room" my mom says and before he's able to say otherwise they've disappeared down the hallway.

"Does she have school tomorrow?" I ask once he's settled back down. "No, she's on spring break right now until next Monday" he relays and I nod my head. "And what about you? Do you work tomorrow?" I ask and he gives me a shy smile before responding. "I had a shoot scheduled in the morning but we went ahead and pushed it to the afternoon so I don't have to worry about going home anytime soon" he says and my heart skips a beat.

"No, I mean, well I don't want to keep you for too long. You probably have other things you'd like to get done tonight?" I ask and he shakes his head. "No, this is the only thing I have planned for the night so I guess you're stuck with me" he chuckles. "I didn't mean to make you feel like I wanted you to leave I just-"

"It's okay I know what you meant" he laughs and I now take notice that we're the only ones left in the room. "Oh! Where did my dad go?" I ask, my eyes darting this way and that, not even being able to hear his voice.

"I think I heard something about them setting up the fire pit? I'm not sure but he's outside with my dad right now" he says and I spy both of them looking through the glass door before quickly ducking out of view once they realize they've been spotted.

"Maybe we should head out there" I say but he cuts off that thought by asking me a question that keeps me frozen on the spot. 

"Is there a reason why you don't want to be alone with me?" he asks, arm now having been draped around the back of the couch a while ago, completely unknown to me making this all seem a lot more intimate than before.

"Who said that?" I chuckle nervously, clearing my throat before sinking back into my seat. "You just did" he says, nodding towards me and I feel like I want to crawl in a hole and die. I thought I could escape this night without being awkward like this but I guess not.

"You trying to get rid of me?" he teases and I shake my head right away, "No I'm sorry I just-" "It's okay, I'm only joking" he says and I laugh nervously. "So why don't you tell me about yourself?" he says, giving me the most open ended question ever and I scramble to find something but I just can't seem to come up with anything interesting enough to mention.

"Well, my parents pretty much said everything there is to know about me over dinner earlier" I say and he shakes his head. "I want to hear something about you from you. Like what are some of your hope, your dreams, something you're passionate about" he says, being a little more specific this time.

"My dreams?" I trail off, thinking for a second and he watches me as I wrack my brain for something notable. "It's kind of silly" I admit once I've settled on something. "Good thing I've got a sense of humor" he replies, trying to encourage me to continue. 

"Well, I've always wanted one of my photos to be on the cover of TIME magazine" I admit and see his eyes light up. "I have a similar dream" he says and my eyes widen in surprise turning my body to face him, wordlessly asking him to share his too. 

"I'd like one of mine to end up on the cover of National Geographic" he relays and I smile in turn. "That would be perfect for you! Well, since the subject you love to capture the most is nature I could definitely see your work fitting right in!" I say, excited to see someone else who's trying to aim as high as I am.

"And I could see yours being a shoe in for TIME as well" he says, and I shy away from his praise. "Okay and what's something you're passionate about, and don't say photography" he says, interrupting me causing me to slump down, having to take another second to come up with an answer. 

He chuckles a bit at my reaction and I glare at him causing him to smile at me even more so look up to the celling as if it had the answers to something interesting about me. 

"Well, I really love reading. I know it might not seem like a passion but when I read a really good book and I find someone who has read it or will at least let me talk about it it's as if I gain a boost of energy and can't contain my excitement. That's definitely the nerdy side of me showing but that's all I can really think of at the moment" I say honestly and when I look back at him it's as if he thought I was the most fascinating thing he's ever seen. 

"Sorry, I think I got a little carried away there" I say, getting shy from being looked at like that, his soft gaze an expression I'm not used to, especially from someone I just met. "Um, your turn" I say, hoping to get some of the spotlight off of me. 

"I know this might be cheating but I do enjoy taking video and editing them. Even if it were as simple as filming Juni for an afternoon, it's something that if given the chance, would be something I could be extremely passionate about" he says and although it is cheating since it's somewhat similar to photography, I'll let it slide. 

"Have you thought about switching up your profession to include video as well as pictures?" I ask and he nods before answering. "I have but I haven't taken enough time to seriously consider it. Juni is still young and I want to make sure I have a stable income in order to take care of her and if I'm being honest I feel almost as if a career change could jeopardize that" he says and I watch him with the same intent that he had given me and he too seems to shy away from it. 

"It's silly since it would probably be a seamless transition but I can't help but feel reservations towards it" he says and I place my hand on top of his that's in his lap. 

"It's normal for a parent to worry about providing for their child. I don't think it's silly at all and it shows how much you truly care about Juni and her well being. She's lucky to have you as her father" I say and he cringes only for a moment before his expression goes back to a softer one. I want to ask what would've warranted a reaction like that but I leave it alone. 

"Okay your turn, what is something you hope for?" he asks and I already know the answer to it but I'm hesitant to say. I take a second to try and figure out how to formulate it properly but decide to just go for it. 

"I hope to be a mother and have children of my own someday. Doesn't matter if it's naturally or through adoption, I just hope to have someone I can love and care for unconditionally and watch them as they grow and change and pray I'll receive that love and care back from them" I say and he gives me a wary expression and I quickly try to backtrack, not knowing if I've messed up or not. 

"I'm sorry that was probably extremely insensitive of me" I say, pulling away my hand but he holds onto it and gives me a sad smile before responding. "I think you would be a wonderful mother. If you were to give your children even half the time and attention you've given to Juni today they would still be incredibly lucky to call you their mother" he says, reassuring me that it's okay to talk about these topics around him. 

"Last one?" I question, seeing if he's up to telling me something he's hopeful for. "I just hope that no matter what my family and friends stay happy and healthy. It might be simple but I enjoy the simple things in life" he says and I smile, seeing how truly kind and compassionate he is just from his simple answer. "That's a good answer" I say and we both chuckle a bit before we're broken out of yet again another moment by the sound of our mothers stumbling into the room. 

"Oh don't let us bother you we're just going to head outside with your father" Jungkook's mom says to him and I can see now from the warm glow shining through the glass door that they've finally started up the fire pit. 

"Oh we'll come outside too!" I say and try to get up off the loveseat. I'm able to stand but immediately lose my balance and feel a strong set of hands on my hips and end up falling into Jungkook's lap. "I-" I start, turning towards him and trying to get out an apology but stop short when I see how close his face is to mine, our noses almost touching. 

I hear our mothers head outside quickly and close the door but neither of us pay any mind, both focused on each other to the point where neither of us move for what feels like forever but was only a matter of seconds. When I do try to get up I feel his grip on me tighten. 

"I'm s-sorry, this couch is always difficult to get off of" I explain and he smiles. "Like I said before, you have nothing to apologize for" he says, his voice a bit deeper than before and it takes every fiber of my being to stop myself from looking at his lips but when I see his flutter down to mine I can't help but do the same. 

"Daddy, why is Ms. y/n sitting on your lap?" we hear Juni say and I immediately get off of him and throw my face in my hands, trying to hide the embarrassment written all over me but Jungkook handles it like a champ. 

"Ms. y/n just fell down Juni and I caught her. You know how I catch you sometimes before you fall?" he offers and she walks over to us, rubbing her eyes and immediately climbing onto Jungkook's lap. "Oh okay" she says, yawning again after Jungkook places a kiss on the crown of her head. 

"Do you wanna go see the fire that grandpa and Ms. y/n's dad made?" he asks and she hums in approval, still half asleep but wanting to go outside with everyone. "Okay let's go" he says, standing up with Juni in one arm and holding his hand out to help me up. I glare up at him and he smiles, knowing he's added to my embarrassment but I take his hand anyways and he makes no moves to let go once I'm up on my feet, walking us all towards the back door. 

Once we're outside though that's when he lets go so he can hold Juni properly while he walks down the patio steps so we can get to the fire pit. 

"Juni woke up?" his mother asks and Jungkook nods. "Yeah she wanted to come outside with everyone even though she is still very very sleepy" he says, talking in a silly sweet voice that makes Juni pout although her eyes are still closed. "I'm not sleepy" she says mid yawn causing me to coo at her and when she realizes I'm still close by she sits up off of Jungkook's chest and reaches towards me. 

I look between her and Jungkook for a second and he nods his head in approval and hands her to me, grabbing a chair afterwards for me to sit on and pulling up another one next to mine and looks over at Juni to see she's practically sound asleep again. "Are you okay with her?" he asks and I hum in approval leaving him placing another kiss on Juni's head before leaning back in his chair. 

"So Jungkook, what do you think of my daughter?" my mother asks and Jungkook chokes on air, not expecting the straightforward question. "Mom!" I scold and she chuckles, "What? It's a simple question. No need to give a complex answer, unless he wants to" she teases and I swear I can even hear Jungkook's dad chuckling at my mother's antics. 

They couldn't make it more obvious that they're trying to set us up even if they tried. 

My dad luckily somewhat comes to Jungkook's aide and hands him a bottle of water to hopefully help him stop coughing which it does thankfully.

He takes a second to clear his throat and I would be lying if I said I wasn't on edge, waiting to hear what his answer might be. "I think she is a very kind hearted and very intelligent young woman" he says simply and the echos of him calling me beautiful earlier on tonight attach to the end of that. 

"And would you like to see her again?" she continues and he then looks over at me, giving me a soft smile and glancing down at Juni before looking me in the eyes again. "We've already planned to see each other again" he says, memories of Juni's invitation to the butterfly shopping trip fluttering through my mind again. 

"Did you hear that? Jungkook has already asked to see her again" my mom says, calling over to Jungkook's mom as if she hadn't been listening the whole time. "Well technically Juni asked if I could go shopping with them" I explain and Jungkook chuckles. "Juni is a very smart girl" my mother compliments and Jungkook and I can't help but laugh. 

The rest of the night flies by and before I know it we're already standing in the doorway saying goodbye. "It's was so nice seeing you again y/n! I hope to be seeing you again soon" Jungkook mom says, winking at me. "Oh come on honey leave the girl alone" Jungkook's dad says, coming to my aide and saying his goodbyes as well. 

Jungkook's parents say a quick goodbye to Jungkook and Juni as well since they came in separate cars and I notice after that my dad pulls Jungkook aside and says something that I regretfully can't make out. Luckily he doesn't seem bothered by it as they smile and shake hands before my dad pats him on the back, sending him off with I can only assume is well wishes. 

Jungkook says goodbye to my mother and I can tell how much she's praising him, he thanks her for everything and makes his way over to me a few moments later and it's almost as if it was a ghost town with only Jungkook and I in the entryway now, with him holding a still very sleepy Juni in his arms. 

"Thank you for coming, I know this was probably a lot for you" I say, rocking back and forth on my heels and he smiles before answering. "I had fun, and I know Juni did too" he says and I can feel my heart skip a beat, "I did too" I reply shyly. He reaches into his pocket and unlocks his phone before handing it to me.

"Do you think I could have your number? You know, so we can set up that shopping day soon? I know Juni won't be able to stop talking about it until we go" he says, turning into what I could only describe as a shy teenage boy, asking his crush for her number. "Sure" I say, putting it in and calling my number so I have his too. 

"Let me know when you get home safe" I say and place my hand on Juni's back and whisper a quick goodbye which regrettably stirs her awake and I mouth a quite sorry to Jungkook but he smiles in response. 

"Wanna say goodbye to Ms. y/n?" Jungkook asks and she nods her head before opening her eyes and leaning towards me to give me a kiss on the cheek leaving me speechless. "Goodnight pretty lady" she mumbles before laying back down on Jungkook's chest. He chuckles after seeing my reaction and gives Juni a kiss on her head in response. 

"Goodnight y/n" he whispers to me and I send him the same sentiment, walking him to the door and watching as he walks over to his car while he puts Juni in her carseat. He looks back to see if I'm still watching and smiles at me again before getting in his car and driving off. 

"So should I schedule an appointment with the caterers tomorrow or...?" I hear my mother say behind me, making me jump before taking a few steps back into the house and closing the door. "Very funny mom" I say, walking over to the living room and plopping down on the couch Jungkook and I had been sharing a couple hours ago. 

"What's wrong? He's a nice man isn't he? Plus his daughter seems like she loves you! Why don't you give it a shot?" she asks and I sigh, sinking further back into the couch. "I don't know, I just don't want to get my hopes up" I mumble and she sits next to me, placing a comforting hand on my thigh. "What makes you say that?" she asks curiously.

"It's almost as if he's too perfect. He's handsome, charming, charismatic, a great dad and I don't know, he just seems too good to be true" I admit and she nods her head, understanding my hesitation. "Everyone puts their best foot forward when they're meeting someone for the first time. Just go out with him and Juni in a few days and keep an open mind. It's not the fact that he has Juni that's holding you back right?" she questions, trying to figure out what exactly has got me doubting. 

"No not at all! If anything Juni is an added bonus" I say truthfully and she smiles at me. "Good, because I think she's already become very attached to you" she says and I nod my head. "Yeah I think I have too" I mumble and she claps her hands, jolting me out of my train of thought. 

"Now all we have to do is get a ring attached to that finger and the three of you can live happily ever after" she says, getting up to clean up the cake plates that sit on the coffee table in front of us. 

"Mom" I groan and she laughs, "I want some beautiful grandchildren and if that handsome young man can't help you give them to me then I don't know who could" she continues leaving me sighing, not bothering to argue back since she is definitely right about that one. 

I hear my phone chime in my purse moments later after I walk into my bedroom to gather up my things to go back home and see a message from an unknown number but check my call log and see that the numbers match up from when I called myself off Jungkook's phone. 

I quickly add him to my contacts before opening up our chat and see a short but sweet message from him. 

'Home safe and sound. Thanks for having us tonight. Hope to see you soon?' he sends with a question mark at the end, clearly still wanting to double check on if I'll actually want to see them again. I wait a few seconds, my thumbs hovering over the keyboard before finally composing a message and hitting send before I chicken out. 

'See you soon Jungkook. I really enjoyed getting to know you and Juni. Looking forward to shopping for butterflies together!' I say and cringe once I reread it. 'Ugh could I possibly sound more desperate?' I say to myself and toss my phone on the bed, sitting down at the computer chair across from it. 

A minute later I hear another message come in and I practically lunge for the phone, praying I didn't weird him out but moments later I feel heat rushing to my cheeks and have to will myself into not squealing.

'We're counting down the minutes until we can see you again. Let's talk tomorrow and set up a date and time'  he says and I rush to respond. 

'Sounds great! Goodnight Jungkook'  I say, ending the conversation before I end up embarrassing myself even more but before I can even lock my phone his message pops up. 

'Goodnight y/n, sweet dreams' the message is so simple but it still makes me smile. 

"Is that Jungkook texting you?" my mom asks, poking her head into the room and I quickly lock my phone and grab my purse. "Yes it is, goodnight mom" I say, walking past her and straight to the front door with her trailing after me. "Oh come on sweetie you know I'm just teasing you. I really think he's going to be a good match for you" she says and I turn to face her before I leave. 

"I really hope so. Say goodnight to dad for me" I say giving her a kiss on the cheek and getting in my car to drive home. 

~~~~

Once I walk in I'm greeted again by Salem and he walks up, waiting for me to pick him up. "You're such a little baby you know that?" I chuckle and he meows in response. 

I follow the same routine as I always do, carrying him with me into my room and rambling off to him about my day before hopping in the shower but this time I have a lot more to say, leaving me wasting half the hot water and causing me to have to finish up the last bit of my shower in a freezing cold stream. 

After finishing up and finally settling into bed I lay down and Salem curls up next to me. "Things might be changing around here boy. I only hope they're for the better, what do you think?" I ask after having told him everything and I'm met with the feeling of him purring and if that isn't a good sign then I don't know what is. 

"I hope he likes cats" I say, giving him one last pet before turning off the light and for the first time in a very long time I can finally say I've gone to sleep feeling content. The last thought that runs through my head is one that helps me fall asleep with a soft smile on my face. 

I can't wait to see him again...

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[munamania]

ok um i am going to vent on something as someone with an outside perspective and people are going to be normal about that right. okay lol. im sick of hearing about taylor swift <3 as compared to a few years ago even she is like... suffocating. and i feel like we never advance this conversation because on one hand we have people who swing into full misogyny when talking about her, and on the other we have people who won't admit that she blatantly uses feminism to deflect from her problematic behaviors, or at least they won't like, do anything about it, and in this way she sort of ends up misleading a lot of young girls into like. girlboss liberal white feminism. im not saying shes a supervillain for it but you can't deny the ramifications of what she does and doesn't speak up about, just given the absolutely massive platform she has. she is the biggest pop star in the world

for the record, i don't expect taylor to be like. a normal person. she was very famous from a very young age and people aren't normal about teen/adolescent stars, especially when they're girls and women. she had her personal drama aired out in front of the world, had so much misogynistic dialogue surrounding her, from demeaning her success to interrogating her dating life (and never holding the pedos who preyed on her at a young age to any sort of standard!) and for many years people weren't very critical of that. it was normalized to be trashing this young girl's name and saying vile shit about her to like the entire nation and i dont blame her for being like, a little off after that. and yeah i also don’t think we should look to celebrities as our end all be all of activism and opinions on sociopolitical issues

but we've gone full swing into like. she is so famous and so big that her actions can be harmful and she does these things anyway because she doesn't expect her fanbase to hold her accountable, lest they be acting like the very sexists who tried to ruin her career. at least i imagine that's what the thought process is like, at least at some level, but at this point it's just like. this woman makes so much money. so much money it's ridiculous. idk how y'all fathomed paying so much for concert tickets but like i'll give props that they at least seemed to have some insane production/theatrics... so like alright. there's that.

but she is reselling the same songs. sometimes that don't sound that good. and making more money off that. yes yes to 'officially own them' and whatever. and releasing vault tracks and other versions of albums with different songs on them. but never all the same bc u need to collect them all. and the thing is some of them are like kinda bad. but you listen to them anyway because we live in a time of overconsumption/consumerism in late capitalism and it's like trendy and fun to be able to tell what song of hers is playing in the first millisecond. sorry or just your personal attachment to her. and don't say it's embarrassing to be a taylor swift fan these days she's like. so huge. and some of you equate embarrassment with having to hear criticism toward her. which might not be as common if swifties idk stepped it up and actually expected something from her?

which i guess is getting me to my main point here. can you imagine like. what would happen if taylor swift actually said anything about palestine? or anything of value in the world right now? no one's asking her to be a fucking scholar on it but genuinely sorry there’s like a genocide. several. the most documented real time genocide of our time i don’t care if it makes you upset that people expect something from her. she is time's person of the year. she has everyone from young girls to lesbians to gay men to bored football wives to dads to well fucking etc you get the point tuned in. she has dabbled in so many different spaces done so many collaborations aligned herself with so many entities who can keep up? if she, as massive as she is right now, posted something as simple as 'free palestine' or called for a ceasefire, can you imagine what would happen? i can’t help but think about it when day in and day out my feed is filled with screaming people being pulled from rubble or having their limbs amputated.

but she won't, because, quite frankly, what does she have to gain from it? she’s teaming up with the nfl right now to make some more money, she's gotta have at least like 4 new albums recorded in the last two years and at least um what three more that you're expecting? and she doesn't even have to like? write new music really? (edit: oh boy!) why the fuck would she be doing anything with her time other than poisoning the planet with jet fuel to visit her pr boyfriend?

taylor swift is never gonna be punk or what the hell ever beyond like a white liberal-at-best moderate woman. but if any of you could talk to each other and talk about, like, organizing in ways that it would be impossible for her to continue to ignore these situations, and just keep playing her tour FILM (how could i forget) in israel and etc, like if you could flood her socials or do a mass movement (and it would be massive given the sheer amount of peoples' top artists she's in) of not listening/buying/interacting with her stuff, until her agents and whatever had to make some sort of statement? like that's the only chance we've got with her

i'm not saying don’t be her fan, or listen to her music, or have an attachment, etc, but she's been around enough vile, anti-feminist, racist things this past year that y'all DO need to hold her accountable. like way more than you do. or it's going to be like really difficult to. tolerate it. haha. like you SHOULD be vocally and loudly disapproving of her actions when it causes a lot of damage overall. speaking up about her insane climate irresponsibility when we're having the hottest years on record is not the same as the people who felt the need to like pick apart her dating life on the news. but can we talk about how she's officially like. circled back and now is purposefully making news about her dating life? for her personal gain and that of the fucking nfl? lol. in a way it is funny for her to ‘take that power back’ in a way, of her image, and i think that’s how some people might view it, but like on the other hand she obviously is gaining a lot from this. you know. a lot of actual money. she is going to profit off this image of her being misunderstood etc for as long as u guys allow it and well i just think that has run its course. yk

continuing into 2024 (edit: and now with the release of a new album!) i don't want to see swifties automatically exonerating themselves from difficult conversations because like they feel like their fave has faced enough unwarranted criticism. or bc other people should also be criticized. much of it is warranted! and you guys need to grow up and be able to talk about it and stop painting taylor swift's face as like the Pinnacle of feminism. she doesn't and shouldn't have to be, and she isn't, and she should in fact be held accountable when she does really fucking shitty things on account of they're shitty! i don't care that she's a woman! it's like that meme of oh yay a woman democrat sent these missiles. oh yay a woman is massively damaging the planet and proudly dated a violent misogynistic racist, and faced minimum criticism for these things over and over because your only comeback is ‘well what about’ if a man did the same thing, etc, you refuse to just look at the situation we do have. yes we should. we should do that we should hold men accountable but you can also like not accept awful fucking behavior from your faves when you have a chance. do you think that’s helping feminism genuinely. use your voice use your power (your money) to like. do something for once. i cannot keep living in the taylor swift echo chamber.

and for the record. i like enjoyed taylor like back when i was a young girl and she had a few songs on the radio, and i honestly even had a moment where i used guys' opinions on her as a first step to navigate who i felt safe around in a very hypermasculine sexist college space. because yes. some people do need feminism 101 and some people's genuinely misogynistic rage will be demonstrated in their hatred of taylor and her success. but at some point we gotta move on from that. if some people will look at the most powerful woman in the world, who has enough money to stay away from them and an extremely massive loyal fanbase watching and supporting her every move - if some men take out their hatred on her, a powerful white woman, how do you think they view and treat women who are not white, thin, "conventionally"/eurocentrically attractive, or accessible to cis/het audiences?

anyway i hope that i can bring a conversation to the swiftieverse cause i honestly believe u guys could have comparable impact to like. bts stans. maybe. if you put your minds together for a good cause. and we don’t have to do the oppression olympics or whataboutisms or WHATEVER for forever. can we please move the conversation forward does anyone else feel insane with like where we’re at

on that note, i really do think now is the perfect moment for you to disrupt shit with your voices and demand better from her. it might not save the world, but it could make a huge difference in changing peoples' minds

okay um. thanks 👍

tldr i can’t do another year of swiftie discourse i just can’t please if there is a god out there help us

[lastoneout]

I s2g these like...third party? clinics that doctors send you to for MRIs and x-rays and stuff like that are run by absolute clowns.

I get an order to go an ultrasound of a weird spot on my skin that's probably just torn soft tissue just to make sure nothing's going wrong and I call them and they schedule me for the 6th of June, but tell me that the order I got from the urgent care place needs to be from the clinic supervisor, not the NP who saw me, so I need to go get that fixed, and also to tell them that the NP isn't in their system so they need to fax them documents to update her info. Okay, I'm not an employee there so idk how that last bit is my problem, but whatever.

In between this call and me having time to go to the urgent care clinic I get a call telling me actually they don't have anyone who can do the ultrasound on the 6th so I need to come in on the 30th. Great, whatever. This has happened before, sometimes DAY OF with these types of places so while it's annoying, I'll live.

There's less time before my appointment now so same day I go down to the urgent care place and explain all that and the desk lady seems to have no clue what the hell I'm talking about and just gives me a copy of the order and says if the ultrasound place needs updated stuff they have to request it, which is the opposite of what I was told but whatever!

So I call the ultrasound place and explain and the guy is like "uh no you should be fine with the order" and then to be sure he checks the info and is like "oh this doctor's info is out of date" and then he has me stay on the line and give him the urgent care clinic's phone number and address and again! I am not an employee there!! Why is this my job!! But whatever, he says I'm good, so I'm good.

Today, the 29th, I get another call from the ultrasound place informing me that actually, they don't even perform this procedure in Tucson AT ALL and if I want to get it done I either have to GO TO PHOENIX or get my order sent to a different clinic that does these. I do not understand why this information was not given to me immediately the first time I called, and now I have to go down to the urgent care clinic AGAIN and beg them to update the order, and idk if they'll even be able to do that bcs this is an urgent care clinic not my PCP, but whatever guess I get to go beg! And continue to worry about the soft-tissue tear bcs it isn't going away on it's own and idk if there's something legit wrong with me or not.

I fucking HATE these little third party clinics so much they are always canceling the day before or telling me actually I need to go to another location bcs they can't do it at this one or claiming they called me to tell me the date got moved when I didn't get a phone call AT ALL. Why are they so poorly managed. Why does no one know who works at what location or what location does what procedure. Y'all are doing serious diagnostic tests to confirm if people have like cancer or some shit, I've had procedures done at them twice to make sure I don't have cancer, but they still play SO fast and loose with people's time and yank us around.

I genuinely miss the days when they would just send you to the hospital to have this stuff done, they aren't great but at least when they say they can do something they can actually do it. Jesus christ. I'm so tired.

[ao3-oner]

Update/Announcement on the We Keep Falling Apart Series + My Intended Worlds Sequel to Mad Scientist Incorrigible

Hi everyone! Thanks for stopping by.

As you may have heard, I have decided that I will no longer be writing a sequel for Mad Scientist Incorrigible during Worlds this year despite planning to do so for the past few months. I want to assure you that this decision did not come without series deliberation and perhaps an undue amount of anguish. With that said, if you're interested, I'll explain at least a handful of the reasons that I have decided not to write this fic:

I don't want the fic to feel contrived

For context, when I first started drafting this Worlds fic way back in May, I felt confident that JDG would make Worlds and I would be able to continue the series in the way that I wanted to. It wasn't until the LPL summer split started that I realized I shouldn't have taken as much for granted, and I started drafting my back-up fic just in case. No matter how you try to spin it, a sequel to MSI set in a universe where JDG doesn't make Worlds is a work-around, an exercize in "things didn't turn out how I wanted, but let's try to patch things up anyway". I feel like, with the narrative I set up, in this universe, I cannot properly address and resolve the conflicts that I set into motion in MSI while still paying proper respect to all the characters. This was the thing I was most worried about when drafting my back-up Worlds fic: that narrative elements would come across as forced or contrived and the characters would not seem genuine.

2. I am still mourning the loss of what the fic could have been

As implied, it was always the case that the fic I really *wanted* to write was the version in which JDG makes Worlds. If I were to write an alternate version of that fic, it would lack some of the moments that I've been brainrotting about for months, the scenes that I've been wanting to bring to you. It would just feel bad to be constantly reminded of what we're all missing out on, of what could have been. That was just one reason why it was absolutely soul-crushing for me to watch JDG get one game away from making it only to face defeat: that match was absolutely brutal, too, consisting of Ruler being head-and-shoulders above everyone else on both teams, but still losing only because his teammates (not Kanavi - we love you Kanavi and seeing him take on supporting champs rather than carries to help Ruler was inspirational) were playing insultingly poorly and he could only carry them so far. I wish I was exaggerating. I'm not. Ruler deserved to make Worlds - he deserved this fic. However, with things playing out how they did, I'm afraid I can't give it to him.

(Side note: one consideration I had was "If you like the fic idea where Ruler makes Worlds so much, then just write it anyway." I've considered this, but ultimately decided against it because it feels dishonest to what I've set up the WKFA series to be - fics that are grounded in what actually happened, also because of the next reason:)

3. Irl Ruler and Lehends have actually gotten their shit together???

This is the one reason on this list that is actually somewhat positive lmao - but yeah, if you haven't been following, ever since MSI, Ruler and Lehends have actually been pretty vocal about talking to each other. They both really wanted to meet at Worlds, Lehends said that he'd be interested in potentially playing with Ruler again in the future, and overall, they've just been very sweet. With all that going on, launching into an angsty narrative that starts out primarily vihends seems kind of silly to me. I'd feel overdramatic for writing something like that, and Idk, I've probably always been overdramatic, but I feel like it's much more apparent now. So, good for them! I hope they play together again soon <3

4. The fic would take a LOT of my time when I have other fics that I'm more excited to work on

It should come as a surprise to no one that writing longer multi-chapter fics is a significant time investment, and unfortunately, as I am a working person who also has other commitments and hobbies, I do not have an infinite amount of time to spend on writing LoLRPF. With that said, if I were to commit to writing a Worlds fic, that would consume nearly all of my LoLRPF time for the next two months. In that same amount of time, I could write a number of other fun fics, including more RuLehends - angsty, smutty, and/or otherwise - that I would actually enjoy writing. I was happy to delay all my other fics for the change to construct my grand narrative with JDG at Worlds, but now that we're stuck dealing with the knockoff, I feel like my time would be better and more pleasantly spent working on other projects.

5. I don't want to write the fic!

For all the reasons listed above and any number of less articulate ones, I have come to the conclusion as the writer that I do not feel like continuing this series. That, in and of itself, is justification enough not to, with no other explanation necessary.

I hope that clears up some of the questions/comments/thoughts you may have, but if you want to hear more, then please don't hesitate to DM me or shoot message to my inbox. I am also happy to share some of my thoughts about what the Worlds fic could have been, and I might even be convinced to share some snippets of scenes that I pre-wrote during my brainrot over the past few months.

With that established, I am officially marking 8 Seconds to Base as the last entry in the "We Keep Falling Apart" series and marking the series as completed.

I understand how disappointing it is to get excited for a fic or series only for it to get discontinued, so I apologize. Life happens. Unfortunately, my hype for this year's Worlds is almost entirely dead now. I'll take care of myself, though, and hope that you all do the same.

Thanks for reading, and have a great day <4

[ca-suffit]

The whole thing with the shirt gives me mixed feelings, because I do think it's nice to separate Jacob's projects from one another, and Louis from Lestat and even his work from himself as a person etc. Sometimes they're kind of mixed together, yes, I don't think we should avoid that at all costs because they're still some parts of his life, but it just doesn't have to be the whole time. I tried to read as much about it as I could on social media to see what was going on and the fans said nobody brought IWTV-related stuff up, that everyone enjoyed his music alone (I do doubt people would buy tickets and go to his concert just to give him a Lestat shirt). But they wanted to give him something since he missed Comic Con (and they released a teaser about season 3, that happens to center Lestat) and loves it so much. And well, he laughed, so either he enjoyed it or hid it well. I don't know since I'm not in his mind... I don't know if he got other gifts, I'm assuming he must have since he took pictures and even stopped to talk to a lot of fans and they usually bring fanart, fan books and stuff like that. And some of those people came from other continents so they only had that chance. In those cases, I don't think it's bad to give something that is related to IWTV or even another acting job, like GOT? If it is probably the best fanart the person has ever made and it took them a long time to master and the only opportunity they have is a concert, I think that's understandable. And sometimes stuff happen by accident too, like the day before SDCC when a fan met Sam, Assad and Delainey by accident and gave Sam a loustat fanart, from what I gathered he didn't have anything for Delainey and Assad, but he wasn't planning or expecting it... Maybe if he knew, he would have brought some? And there were people bringing stuff for Jacob and asking Sam to give it to him as well... It can get kind of complicated. I do believe that if you're able to go to events and meet them regularly, you should separate. When it's about IWTV, you talk and give gifts about IWTV, when it's about music, then give RR-related presents, if you're meeting Jacob, Sam, Assad and Delainey at different times but on dates that are kind of close, then you hand them yourself your gifts and don't ask other people for it... But if it is an "I only have this one chance and it will never happen again", I believe they would understand and wouldn't mind it. I also don't know how much of what they get are about their characters as individuals and what's about the dynamics (loustat, loumand, armandiel, Louis/Lestat + Claudia etc). IF everything he gets is just loustat and Sam gets Lestat alone or a good balance of Lestat individually, loustat, lesmand, the family etc, then people really need to get their shit together. But if it's balanced for all of them, then I don't see the problem. If you only care about one ship and hate the others, then at least you should make stuff about that ship and the characters alone because they're not just a package. But you could give it a try because it can end up being fun and I'm sure them getting new types of gifts would be even more memorable than getting a good gift but that is still about stuff. I bet if somebody draws Louis, Paul and Grace, Jacob would probably remember and even mention it on an interview, because I'm assuming he doesn't get pre-vampirism Louis content that often. So here are some ideas for people! Anyway, I don't really know how things work here yet. But I guess I'll gradually find out. And also, in future moments, like, if one day they do a season focusing on The Vampire Armand and idk, Sam is in Australia promoting The Newsreader, would people go to him with an Armand shirt or a Lestat one? Anyway, I don't have a clear answer and if I don't, I give the benefit of the doubt. But, still, there are a lot of things that people could think about.

"And also, in future moments, like, if one day they do a season focusing on The Vampire Armand and idk, Sam is in Australia promoting The Newsreader, would people go to him with an Armand shirt or a Lestat one?"

I think this sentence in particular says a lot that ppl should think about v hard tbh.

also someone else from the RR gig posted some stories about the experience that's just been posted earlier if u didn't see it!

thank u for ur comments<3

[whywhaatt]

write some angst. huge sad angst. argument? sure! fucking idk make me cry. any cc, idc, just make me sad.

we got some sad shit baby💪💪💪

"You need to leave." (big t x reader)

words: 1.368

a/n: ok so basically... i just got drunk, then when i was sober i wrote how i was thinking. sorry if its hard to read but have fun :)

warnings: alcohol mention + use, yelling, and a whole lot of cussing

-

Tanner is getting on my god damn nerves. Last night, I spent the night alone in my apartment and dressed for a date that did not happen. Every text and call I send him I get no answer. I can't tell if I'm supposed to be upset, worried, or pissed off but somehow I'm feeling all three.

For context, we've had this date planned for a couple of weeks. It's already been postponed due to my job or random things Nick asks him to do. And after 3 weeks, we finally both had a free day to have a simple and good date.

15 missed calls, 50+ texts, and 10 hours later I just parked my car in front of Tanner's house. I've gotta calm down. It could've been a mistake, a stupid mistake at that but we all mistakes. No what am I thinking, he deserves to get yelled at. So many thoughts are going through my head. At one point I'm pissed off, but on the other I don't know what happened.

I grab my shit, locking my car behind me, and walk up to the front door. Giggling at the "gay" welcome mat, I ring the door bell... no answer. Okay? I'll just ring it again... no answer again. What is going on? Nick's room is right here, at least he should be able to hear it.

I'm calling Nick.

"Hello?" He picks up the phone.

"Hey Nick, I'm outside. Can you let me in?"

"Yeah sure, one sec" He hangs up. A couple of seconds later, the door opens. A simple "thanks" comes out my mouth all muffled as I shove past Nick to walk towards Tanner's room. Isaac sitting on the couch, looks up and let's me know Tanner's still asleep. Great. Just great... I don't want to wake him up in a bad mood.

Whatever. He deserves it. I need to know what happened. I slam open his door to see him laying in bed sound asleep, with alcohol bottles covering his desk and his sweatpants on the floor next to the bed. His room's a mess, well when isn't it really? The only time its considered to be clean is when you clean it.

He must've heard the door open, cus he slowly wakes up and turns over to see me standing in his room.

"Baby, w-what are you doing here?" he asks so innocently.

"What am I doing here?? I should be asking what you're doing here?" I'm basically yelling.

"What do you mean?"

"What do I mean?!? What do I- uh. I can't with you. We had a date planned for last night!"

"Wha- OH!! Baby, baby please come here. Please come here I'm so sorry."

'No- No absolutely not. What did you do last night? Tell me."

"I-I was drinking with Isaac and Yumi. We played that stupid truck sim game and streamed. Then I just drank and watched anime until I passed out I guess." He admits. What. The. Fuck. I must've said that out loud cus Tanner immediately started to apologize again, "I'm so sorry baby, I completely forgot. Please let me make it up to you".

"No, I'm going home. You better find a way to make this better" I say as I walk out his room and closing the door behind me. The guys must've heard it all happen, cus I could feel Isaac and Nick staring at me as I walk out the front door. I didn't say a word, I just kept my head low and kept walking towards my car. Once I got in my car I just needed to scream.

FUCK.

Okay, that's a little bit better.

-

I got home and immediately turned my phone completely off, tossing it on my night stand and not looking back. I just need to do something else, get my mind off of what just happened. I need a drink. I grab some alcohol from the mini fridge I keep next to my desk. It's a vodka kind of day.

5 shots in...

10 shots in...

20 gulps in...

fuuuck. maybe i should've stopped like 20 sips ago. were those even considered sips? they were too big to be sips. my brain is fuzzzzyyy.

i gottta admiT what i said to Tanner was fuckked up, but i don't mean any of it. I should text him. N-NO!! I'm not texting him.

But I miss him, no I dont. fuck im crying now. ok this is happeninggg. I need to lay down. go lay on the bed. okay. im on the bed now.

knock knock knock

what. what the fuck was what.

knock knock knock

there it is again. am i dying? fuck. is that god? it's getting louder

knock knock knock

oh wait. its my frontt dooor. silly me. i'll go open it. come on body get up. one steep at a time.

"Baby. You scared me." oohhhh iits tanner.

"H-H-Heeeeeeeyyyy Taaaannnerrrrr" wait no i'm mad at him. actually, i'm just falling, oh shit.

"Oh my god, let's get you in bed. Come on" heee says while catching me, he's so strongg. i can feel his muscles, oh my god.

im laying down now. in my bed, i don't remember getting here. oh yeah Tanner.

"Y-Youu, youung sir, you neeed to leave" i slur outt, hehe.

"I'm not leaving you like this"

"Buuut. I'm mad at you a-a-and so you need to leave."

"Just go to-"

-

I woke up in pajama's and a massive headache. What the-

"Are you okay?" Oh. I remember now. I shake my head yes and sit up to see Tanner sitting on the foot of my bed. God, I'm regretting a lot of shit now.

"Baby... I'm so sorry. Can we talk about this? I need to apologize a lot." He says, so quiet it's basically a whisper. He looks up at me meeting my eyes. Was he.. crying? His eyes were all puffy and his hair was all messed up.

"Look, I fucked up. I know I did. But, baby, please forgive me for it. This is the first date I've missed in the forever the fuck long we've been dating. You didn't deserve that. You don't deserve that. I tried to think of all the things I could buy you, or do for you, to make up. But truthfully, the best option was being here for you and letting you know I care.

"I know you don't want to hear this right now, but I love you. I love you so fucking much. At the end of the day, I would choose you over anybody. Please, baby, just forgive me so I can forgive myself." Tanner whispers, a few tear leaving his eyes.

"It's sad, the first thought I had is that you were cheating on me. Then I thought you died, or just decided you hated me. I spent all of last night on the couch crying in the outfit I would've worn. I'm sorry I yelled at you, I just let my emotions get the best of me. You just... You really scared me. I thought I lost you." I confess. I can't make eye contact with him. I close my eyes as streams of tears run down my face and onto the pillow I've been holding. I feel the bed shift and I think Tanner got up and walked away, but suddenly I feel a pair of arms wrap around me.

-

For the past 30 minutes Tanner and I have been doing the 3 C's: cuddling, crying, and comforting.

"Relationships are hard" I think aloud.

"Yeah but we make it work." Tanner says, kissing my neck. My head is still pounding from all the alcohol I had, I can imagine Tanner was feeling the same when I yelled at him. To whoever said relationships were supposed to be easy, fuck you. It's hard to put your total 100% trust and love into one person all the time. And on top of that, you get that back. Plus work, or school, and making sure you're still taking care of yourself.

"I'm glad I have you" I confess.

Today was a long ass day.

a/n: this one is shorter, but i honestly cried while writing it. sorry if the drunk part is too hard to read!! requests are open so do whatever you will with that information. love yall, and thank you so much for all the support

[fourswords]

my silly au again, ranking the little dudes in order from from most to least impulsive in their decision-making(??? i don't think that's the right way to phrase that. it's a ranking of how likely they are to just Go After Shit instead of stopping to think about it first. i just wanted to write out some characterization notes lmao):

#1: light - i mean given the manga of course he'd be number one. of course he'd Win. he sees something? he goes After It. something needs doing? he goes After It. and so on and so forth. there isn't a single part of him that doesn't impulsively make decisions at the drop of a hat (green running into the sandstorm. blue following the lady into the snowstorm. vio getting cornered by shadow and being like "alright how can i manipulate this situation so i can fucking Win" and deciding to pretend to be evil with him. red seeing a kid running from angry townspeople and immediately stepping in even to his own detriment). if anything he's a bit irritated that the others aren't as much of a Driving Force as he is. he wants to DO THINGS!!!!!!! he's working on actually listening to others before he does shit nowadays though.

#2: smithy - smithy is not AS bad as light in the "jumping into holes without thinking about it" regard but he IS still bad about it. however. yes he'll just walk off and start doing shit if he thinks it's the best thing to do but he's much, MUCH more likely to hang back for a minute and think about something before he does it. when he DOES "just walk off and start doing shit" it's because he took more than half a second to think about it and THEN came to the conclusion that He's Totally Right About This and He Will Be Going That Way, Actually. he took five seconds, thank you very much. i mean we're talking about the kid who, according to ezlo's dialogue in the minish cap, just jumped into the Giant Whirlwind On Top Of Veil Falls with literally no warning whatsoever. hilarious of him tbh. his tendency to hang back a bit more compared to light is also shown in his game where ezlo does note that he expresses concern or hesitancy in a couple of instances (before he gets into the first minecart in the cave of flames, for example). unfortunately he has never worked on actually listening to others in his life and it shows.

#3: knight - knight is way too mild to just Go After things unless he's by himself and it's an absolute necessity. if he's with someone else and something comes up then his first course of action (if able to do so) is to ask what the other person wants to do first and then build up a plan that incorporates both their perspectives on the situation. on the bright side he isn't afraid of being firm at the very least, so he isn't the type to get stuck in a repeating loop of "idk...i'll do this if you don't wanna do that but SHOULD we do that...." or whatever. like he's more "okay, so you think [x] and i think [y], so we'll do [xy] unless you have something else you'd like to add." which is why he's generally really good to work with.

#4: four - four has never gone after a single thing in his life other than vaati. i'm being so serious here. four can be so annoying to some people because he just plain doesn't give a shit what happens. he just rolls with it. he's like "oh we're doing [x]? lol okay" and when questioned if he has anything to say about it he's just like "nah." and that's it. if he actually feels a slight need to do something then he'll plan Around the events of [x]. which, of course, means he does nothing to stop [x] from happening! like knight makes sure to always ask four if he has something to add to whatever they're all planning because that's just what he does but four LITERALLY just goes "nah." EVERY TIME. i'm sure light finds it infuriating at certain points. however (and this is important): IN an absolutely dire, no-holds-barred, genuine clusterfuck of a situation, four can and will turn on the part of his brain that beat vaati's ass so thoroughly that it got him written down as the official legendary "hero of the four sword" whose story was canonically remembered all the way down to light's era in the child timeline. he becomes a sort of mix of light's utter drive to do shit and knight's information-gathering, planning ways, with the addition of being exceptionally good at risk analysis. everything i just said can be all but disregarded though because like i said. he just plain will not become this unless he's facing another person like vaati. you could even stick this guy in front of a giant army trying to kill him and he'd STILL be like "ehhhh who cares i'll get 'em somehow" that's literally just How Much He Rolls With Shit

[bunnyb34r]

So I finally went to the movies again and saw Blink Twice... and I have some Thoughts™️

I'll put spoilers under the cut but tw if you're at all interested in this movie, very very heavy graphic and sexual violence. They even do a TW for sexual assault at the very start of the film and a way for victims to get help. Which is good, but makes me wonder... would they give you a refund?? If you couldnt handle that subject and were like nope not for me! And leave? Bc no where in the trailers (that I've seen) is it indicated that the movie is about that... so...

That aside, I did enjoy pieces of the movie (but overall idk if I liked it. It left me with a sick feeling in my stomach (which is the point))

I liked the color scheme, the repetition of white and blue and the red both being there the whole time but also becoming more and more important as the plot progresses. I think that was cool.

The camerawork made me kinda ill im ngl... that might have been intentional idk.

It was a really interesting movie, one that you kinda gotta sit with after watching. It was a lot sadder than I expected. Funny in parts like the stupid fucking chair, but overall it left me sad. Idk I was expecting more... The Most Dangerous Game and not that™️

Oh and I think the acting and casting was really good too

Spoilers ⬇️

So the main twist honestly made my stomach sink. Idk what I was expecting but god it wasn't that even though I probably should have.

I honestly thought the perfume was made with blood and that thats why the snakes or that they were like draining the victims of blood and making perfume for the men that brought them there.

I really liked how literally everything tied back to some part of the movie, the opening shot making so much more sense, the scar, all of it. That was really clever. Heartbreaking, but clever. I wish they had subtitles or made the "red rabbit" part more clear bc I couldnt understand that until Frida repeated her. That part was so so heartbreaking and clever too. Like when it all makes sense it's like another punch to the gut.

"Theres a special place in hell for people who choose to do nothing" was a good line but also like rich coming from you Slater. Mr Morality over here!

At first I didnt get why she saved him, but nothing would have stopped anyone else who he had previously brought to the island if she killed him. Like they could just fly their themselves and do the same shit again. This way she stops it, but god I dont think I could sleep in the same bed as that man after all that. (And I'm sure that is also a message like trauma affects others differently, the best revenge is success/she's able to manipulate HIM now ect) but I cant help but wonder how the other girl felt (i cant remember her name) ab her MARRYING that man like... the whole girls helping girls speech ect

I do kinda think it's funny how Frida was telling him to "eat his steak" bc he said before he didnt eat red meat, so again she's able to manipulate him even in subtle ways now as revenge.

I think this movie is like either one you only see once or one you see at least twice to digest it all. Personally I could not watch it again knowing what I know now, but I could see someone wanting to see it multiple times to dissect it all.

Oh and I thought it was interesting how Stacy didnt WANT to remember and how "forgetting is a gift" and the reveal of what happened to Slater and his sister. That was sad but interesting, especially since victims of CSA tend to have complex relationships regarding their abusers and how some go on to do what was done to them bc of their trauma. That was sad but a very interesting plot point

I'll probably have more to tack on later but yeah that was... that was something.

[moondragon618]

So uh. I think I've decided that I want to be a little bit more open about some things on here bc honestly trying not to acknowledge it is just causing me a ton of unnecessary stress (and I'm sure as fuck not acknowledging it irl lmaooo) so yeah. So I'll start with this: I'm currently unemployed and living with my parents (mom and stepdad) and my younger but also adult brother (they all have some form of income but it's only just barely enough to get by). Now on its own the whole all of us living together thing should not be that big of a deal apparently according to what I've learned from hearing other ppl's experiences in similar situations. Unfortunately my parents do not think like this. My mom especially is convinced that we are literally ruining her life so y'know that's fun (:

Okay but seriously. I'm about to sound like I'm trying to downplay this (and maybe I am bc. Yk.) but like a good 80% or so of the time it's. Fine. We get along okay. But I know that's only bc we never acknowledge The Problems outside of the few bad days and we always just go on like those never even happened. And here's what I mean by bad days btw: ""Family Meetings"". Yeah that phrase is literally a fucking trigger for me now it's fucking bullshit. When I was younger it meant "me getting screamed at about how fucked up I am and how fucked I'll be in the "real world" and how I'm just "a soft spoiled little bitch bc I never got my ass beat" (like my brother. bc he's definitely fine and has no issues at all lmaooo) (and usually without the bitch part aside from once when I was a teenager) and now it's more "me getting screamed at by my mom abt how I'm ruining her life and her marriage" etc. etc. So yeah. My stepdad is a little better in that he only yelled at me one time when I was like 12 I think? And then never again. And he seems to at least understand that if screaming at still hasn't "fixed" me after 25 fucking years then it's probably not going to so yeah. And he did actually kind of stand up for me during the last one (in late September-ish) which I know isn't much but it's still way more than anyone else has done so I do appreciate it.

Anyway the last one was really fun (terrible) I got the usual + being told I being disrespectful for not coming out to the living room bc I was having a panic attack and quite literally frozen and unable to move 👍👍👍 And I've also been limited to just my phone since then bc my mom took my computer (bc god forbid we consider there might be a reason I'm on it so much) and still hasn't given it back and tbh I think I'd rather kms than ask for it back so that's fun too (:

I am aware that this is abusive behavior and that screaming at your child for any reason is in fact child abuse btw. It took me until very recently to come to terms with that even while knowing that (and I'm probably still not fully there tbh) but I know. It's that fucking generational trauma bullshit yk. My mom's side of the family is Fucked Up like her parents were terrible and their (mostly her dad's idk the other ones lol) parents. Yeah I'm not even comfortable talking about them right now that's like a whole other thing lmao. But yeah I know that doesn't even remotely make it okay.

And yeah like the day after shit like that happens we just never acknowledge it again until everyone's losing their shit again because nothing ever changes. Believe it or not being screamed at does not help me figure out how to navigate getting a source of income or how I'm supposed to do anything when we sure as fuck can't afford another vehicle or how I'm ever going to be able to afford my own place to live lmaooo. And I also literally cannot even talk to them about any of this without losing my ability to speak so that really doesn't help either (: I sure as fuck haven't tried calling out the bullshit either bc fuck that there's no fucking way that's going over well and I couldn't even if I wanted to (: (: (:

So I'm just kinda stuck here ig. It's really not too bad (most of the time). I'm not saying that to minimize or invalidate anything either I just want you all to know that it's not like super urgent or anything, I'm not in danger, my mental health isn't great obviously but I'm not at risk of hurting myself or suicide or anything. Promise <3 I'm a tenacious bastard sticking around out of pure spite and a desire to keep creating things if nothing else lmao :)

God this is kind of a trauma dump lmao but that about sums it up ig? I'm also very much open to advice if anyone has any <3

[missveryvery]

Would you ever play bg3 as Trelle?

I keep thinking about it.

But you have unlocked something I want to vent/ramble about, anon. Forgive me.

Here's a TMI/depression dump that you can skip if you like to get to the pertinent answer at the bottom.

I, myself, am getting some, idk, ptsd shit from the game from how much trauma they dump on you and how you have to check in on everyone and do things for them and no one is taking care of you or asking about your own shit. I'm in too deep at this point to not finish at least one of my playthroughs but there's different places where characters are really fucking with you in painful ways.

So after I finish one (1) I will need to take a fucking breather before I start another. It can be good to go "ok, do you see the red flags you missed here? All the things that made you uncomfortable that you ignored for affection/attention/"the greater good"/being a team player/"being a good person" etc? Do you see how you could recognize it happening to other characters but not yourself?" in the safety of a game, but the feelings and sensations it brings up are real.

I get really bad nightmares, but the difference between a normal person with nightmares and me is that my brain doesn't "let go" of them the way it's supposed to so I get the trauma without the cleansing benefits of processing that stuff your brain is supposed to do when you sleep. This is why I avoid a lot of content with bad endings or that are just too fucked up or upsetting. I avoid a lot of media period now, I can't finish shows because I'm afraid of how they'll end, that they'll end badly (even just in some unsatisfying way like it's just badly written) and I'll be residually upset for too long.

I did not realize how upsetting this game would be, I thought it would be more "Honor Among Thieves" fun in tone but it's relentlessly heavy, and your "accomplishments" are all "realistic" in a "you can only do so much way". You save the Grove and...horrific things still happen. Some of the people there are still exclusionary pieces of shit. Even Halsin comes to the city and starts going "wow everyone is so shitty to refugees here, maybe the shadow druids were right, this city should be razed to the ground" like my GUY. Your Grove that you led did all the same fucking shit. What are you talking about. Shadow druids would just do all this harder. The fuck are you saying to me.

I don't think there's a way to slap him and point that out?!?

All that said, Trelle could not handle the shit happening in that game. It is Too Much. There were very fucked up things in CH but Rodrigo wouldn't go "there" and definitely wouldn't linger there if he did. She is not built for that. She has fucked up things in her past but there's ways of handling those things in the delivery and part of that is not making it Everything Is This and It is Constant. Like the ratio of Clown Business to Worst Thing You've Ever Heard is different.

That's a big difference between bg3 and an actual dnd game is that the DM can feel out what the players want and adjust. If your DM is good, they are constantly tweaking to make the experience as fun as possible for the group. Sometimes that means your players want more fucked up stuff and less clown, sometimes it's the opposite. Sometimes what they want differs from day to day. Like "ok everyone wants to go shopping, it's shopping day" and sometimes it's "everyone is going to go nuts if they don't fix what's happening".

This all sounds like it's a bad game. It's not. It's a masterpiece of game making and writing. But it's demanding.

NOT TMI ANSWER:

if I "stayed true to the character" trelle would fuck up so bad, she would not be able to beat the beegees, that girl would not survive that experience even if she did somehow complete the bigger goal. Obliterated. Done-zo.

[bots-and-cons]

Hi, I'm sick

This is just me venting a bit, but I'll put the important stuff here so you don't have to read the whole thing if you don't feel like it. I'm sick, pretty tired and don't have much motivation for anything, so Idk if I'm gonna post much this week.

I've been sick for like 4 days now and I'm so annoyed, because I don't have the motivation to do anything. I want to write and do school work, but I'm feeling like crap so I haven't done anything for a couple of days now. Or at least I haven't done things I want to do. I've been doing laundry, washing the dishes and making food. When I made the big pot of soup on Sunday, it took me probably a couple of hours because I was in a lot of pain. Idk why though, like sure you can get some joint pain when you have the flu but holy shit I was having a hard time moving the whole day. Peeling potatoes and carrots and stuff was a really bad time.

I really hope I'll get better by the weekend, because I need to go to the school next Monday and Tuesday. I have to be there, because we have group presentations and I already missed the last two school days because of the train worker strike. I only have school 4 days a month, and the rest I have to do on my own. We get assignments and stuff for between the lectures, and a ton of reading that we have to do. I've enjoyed it so far and it's really nice to be doing something again.

When I heard that I wouldn't be able to go to the school when the train worker's strike was happening, I didn't take it very well to say the least. I don't deal well with change, I had a panic attack and cried for over an hour, because I absolutely hate it when my plans change suddenly. My mom was suggesting alternative ways to get to the school, but I couldn't handle it at the time, so I just went to sleep. I was semi-okay the next day and I attended the lectures online since it was an option for two of the four lectures. Then of course I got a call from the social worker I've been in contact with about some additional benefits. She told me that I should go on a sick-pay of sorts and slow down my studies. The thing is, if I wanted to go on that particular sick-pay I'd only be allowed to get 12 credits in the time I need 33, so I really can't do that. I couldn't explain that to her on the phone because I was so stressed already, I just started crying and she just kept telling me to slow down my studies.

I thinks it's pretty fucking stupid to tell me that, since I'm doing well enough so I can study more. Plus, I need the 33 credits since I want to get into the degree program for the fall. It just pissed me off and added to an already stressful situation.

I would not deal with social services if I didn't have to. I'm just not in good enough place that I'd be able to work and study at the same time so I have to live on benefits for now. I hate it, but I also know my limits and I know it wouldn't end well for me if I started working too.

I've had a pretty stressful couple of weeks and now I'm sick, so the stress if probably catching up with me. Thanks if you read this, and I wish you a good rest of the week, and remember to drink water :D

[herofics]

Hi, I'm sick

This is just me venting a bit, but I'll put the important stuff here so you don't have to read the whole thing if you don't feel like it. I'm sick, pretty tired and don't have much motivation for anything, so Idk if I'm gonna post much this week.

I've been sick for like 4 days now and I'm so annoyed, because I don't have the motivation to do anything. I want to write and do school work, but I'm feeling like crap so I haven't done anything for a couple of days now. Or at least I haven't done things I want to do. I've been doing laundry, washing the dishes and making food. When I made the big pot of soup on Sunday, it took me probably a couple of hours because I was in a lot of pain. Idk why though, like sure you can get some joint pain when you have the flu but holy shit I was having a hard time moving the whole day. Peeling potatoes and carrots and stuff was a really bad time.

I really hope I'll get better by the weekend, because I need to go to the school next Monday and Tuesday. I have to be there, because we have group presentations and I already missed the last two school days because of the train worker strike. I only have school 4 days a month, and the rest I have to do on my own. We get assignments and stuff for between the lectures, and a ton of reading that we have to do. I've enjoyed it so far and it's really nice to be doing something again.

When I heard that I wouldn't be able to go to the school when the train worker's strike was happening, I didn't take it very well to say the least. I don't deal well with change, I had a panic attack and cried for over an hour, because I absolutely hate it when my plans change suddenly. My mom was suggesting alternative ways to get to the school, but I couldn't handle it at the time, so I just went to sleep. I was semi-okay the next day and I attended the lectures online since it was an option for two of the four lectures. Then of course I got a call from the social worker I've been in contact with about some additional benefits. She told me that I should go on a sick-pay of sorts and slow down my studies. The thing is, if I wanted to go on that particular sick-pay I'd only be allowed to get 12 credits in the time I need 33, so I really can't do that. I couldn't explain that to her on the phone because I was so stressed already, I just started crying and she just kept telling me to slow down my studies.

I thinks it's pretty fucking stupid to tell me that, since I'm doing well enough so I can study more. Plus, I need the 33 credits since I want to get into the degree program for the fall. It just pissed me off and added to an already stressful situation.

I would not deal with social services if I didn't have to. I'm just not in good enough place that I'd be able to work and study at the same time so I have to live on benefits for now. I hate it, but I also know my limits and I know it wouldn't end well for me if I started working too.

I've had a pretty stressful couple of weeks and now I'm sick, so the stress if probably catching up with me. Thanks if you read this, and I wish you a good rest of the week, and remember to drink water :D

[hotdamndel]

Woke up early today bc I thought of a juicy idea, checked phone and saw a Gray cosplayer who already does him so much better than me (ofc I mean physique mostly, makeup and costume are relatively quick and easy to umprove compared to it)

Even worse he's likely gonna be at a con I'm potentially going to in a few months, will be a shitshow if I do Natsu and Gray w my friend but everyone will look at the other Gray instead (he has a Natsu too). Imagine cosplaying a character for...deeper reasons than the standard "liked personality and appearance", Gray has showed me the way thru some irl shit happening to me back then, but I digress, that's a whole other topic (and way too personal too).

But- at least the muscle gap isn't huge and probably even fixable in these few months? Idk, we'll see (also if I'll even be able to be at that con). That and the 100YQ hype make me plan Gray instead of Ace (Ace needs much more meat, my version will be certified cringe at an event of that level), but there's already competition there.

So it's both fun and 終わりだ. I feel like every single fandom I do cosplays in always has someone more jacked who will shadowban me by mere presence. I'm absolutely not against that, I just need to be the one mogging others. But I've been on the other side my entire life. I didn't win in a genetic lottery, I wasn't born in a first world country, I can never be like some of the cosplayer dudes, that's like a disability. But maaaybe I will reach something in cosplay before I get too old to be who I want. Maybe.

Yes, it's been like 20 hrs since me finding that Gray and I should be sleeping, but here we are

[opossum-by-night]

TL;DR - doing very bad!!! Don't know what to do to make it better!!!

Love how the most alone time I've had in years has been fully ruined in every possible way by factors beyond my control!!!! Love how I finally get to be alone in my home for a long stretch of time but I cannot enjoy it because it doesn't feel like home anymore because it's halfway packed up!!!! And I can't even plan for/fantasize about the future home we're moving to because we don't fucking know where we're going yet and have still not officially secured ANY housing!!!!! So I'm just floating in space unable to recharge because nothing is normal so I can't relax!!!!! And I have so much to do that I cannot do because I don't have the energy because I CAN'T RELAX!!!! And anything I could be doing to prep to move would just make it EVEN WORSE because it would make things feel EVEN LESS NORMAL!!!!!! Love to feel physically ill and cry constantly and always have a migraine and not be able to do anything to feel better!!!! It fucking rules and I don't want to die at all!!!!!

I'm thinking about having my parents come get me and staying with them for a few days or a week, but idek if that would help or if I'll just be there thinking about all the shit I should be doing/will have to do at home. And my dad keeps texting me and he clearly knows I'm fuckin freaking out and wants to help and is trying to be gentle, but idk how to explain to him that possibly the worst thing that could happen to me right now is him showing up like "what have you been doing all this time?? Help me pack some shit!!!" and I don't trust him not to do that??? But my mom can only come up on the weekends so that limits things, and I feel bad making her drive 8 hours in two days :( And I could just drive myself, but tbh I keep getting waves of dizziness and shit so I don't really feel great about driving 4 hours through the mountains by myself right now.

And I've been trying so hard to figure out things to do to take care of myself/make things slightly less horrible, and like looking up tips for moving with audhd and stuff, but basically all I'm getting is "get other people/movers to do as much for you as possible" and "focus on the place you're going and making it comfortable and safe" (which I can't even do for aforementioned reasons!!!!) so like??? And that's just from reddit and forums and shit, because 95% of actual content is made for fucking parents of autistic kids, who would be doing all the hardest parts themselves anyway!!!!! So all I've been able to come up with is getting high and watching YouTube and couch rotting, which isn't fucking helping, but idk what else to do!!!!! That's the closest to normalcy I can get right now and it still sucks!!!!

Idk. I guess I'm gonna ask my mom to come get me this weekend. Maybe I'll at least be able to mentally recharge a little bit there since it's familiar and I'll have her to talk to. And I can see my partner and let him reassure me some too. And maybe look at some places to make it feel slightly more real that we *will* actually have somewhere acceptable to live. Idk. I'm just so tired, man. And so disappointed and frustrated that this is how this whole process is going. 🫠