#i simply cannot process writing it seems

[miss-americanbi]

shout out to all the demons (dyslexic people) who are having the time of their lives trying to spell “ineffable” or “bureaucracy” correctly post good omens 2

[xawkward-ariesx]

Am I supposed to be working on lior? and gaoyl? Yes. Am I working on joml instead? Also yes.

[drchucktingle]

autistic expression in a neurotypical art gallery

this morning i thought i would talk about AUTHOR VOICE specifically when it comes to AUTISM. as autistic author i have learned to turn the dial up and down when writing characters. rose from CAMP DAMASCUS is basically exactly where i rest on spectrum and this shows in a few ways

in roses internal monolog you will see that she uses phrases like ‘my friend’ to talk about folks where neurotypical buckaroos might just use first name. or with her parents she will think of them in FIRST NAME instead of ‘mom’ or 'dad’. this is way many autistic buds THINK

to explain this trot I will say it is not a way of disrespect or anything like that, it is simply that these terms are TECHNICALLY all correct and interchangeable. socially, autistic buds often learn to mask by pinpointing WHEN to use these words that logically the same to us.

in CAMP DAMASCUS i left these things in to create character, but if you go back in my writing you will see it. in TINGLERS this is because they are honest in PUNK ROCK way. unfiltered expressions. in earlier novels its admittedly just because i did not realize it was unusual yet

point is, ROSES internal dialog in camp damascus is neurodivergent and i CHOSE not to change her thought process in this way, because we are BOTH autistic. this can be a risk because some neurotypical buckaroos will read it and just think ‘what a strange way. this is bad writing’

camp damascus reviews are actually very good it is a very well received book by any measure, but you will see some folks kind of making fun of these traits (i do not think they would do this if they knew it was authentic autistic way BUT we cannot educate EVERYONE on this trot)

POINT IS i am now faced with an artistic choice in later books. do i write with my AUTISTIC voice even though some neurotypical readers find it awkward? in technical sense some readers WILL think each book is better if i eliminate my autistic tendencies in later edits

my advice is this: character voice IS SO IMPORTANT, but a big part of writing is finding the place between YOUR voice and your CHARACTER voice where both are authentically existing in some way. like acting, you are always bringing something of yourself even when you 'disappear'

when writing BURY YOUR GAYS i did not plan to make misha on the spectrum, but misha is part of me and i am on the spectrum. what i have realized over time is that ALL OF MY CHARACTERS will have these traits in some way because i wrote them, and i will never disappear completely

so when edits came for BURY YOUR GAYS and misha, i took that dial and i turned it farther towards neurotypical than i did with rose, BUT I DID NOT TURN IT OFF COMPLETELY. in literal sense, i left some of those ‘my friends’, because i will always bring MY VOICE to my art as well

i am proud of being on the spectrum. while my voice may not hit every convention of ‘good writing’ it is authentically ‘MY writing’ and i think that is more important than any outside checklist for ‘correct literary expression’. and guess what THE RESULTS ARE IN, MY BOOKS DO WELL

so if you are an artist getting feedback or reviews, consider which parts you can LEARN FROM and grow and change, and which parts are just AUTHENTICALLY YOU. because while your honesty may defy conventions and seem unusual to some folks, IT IS OFTEN WHAT MAKES YOUR ART SING

feel free to turn that dial marked 'YOUR TRUE VOICE' up and down when it makes sense. i do this all the time. but i have long since decided i will never turn that dial OFF completely. your voice is your POWER buckaroo, dont be afraid to sing with it

[pinksatinsashes]

The Dream Girl's Guide to Setting and Achieving Goals

If there's one thing that I am insanely good at, it's planning and setting goals.

However I have not always been great at achieving them.

Call it laziness, lack of self discipline or being over ambitious, you can take your pick. But every year I would set goals and every year I would never achieve them.

This year I was, and am determined to transform. I'm tired of putting it off. I've tried a completely different method (read about that here) and it's finally working out, I cant't wait to share it with you.

Why is Setting and Achieving Goals Important?

Setting and achieving goals will forever be important, no matter what stage of life you're in if you don't want time to pass while you stay in the same place.

If you're happy staying exactly as you are, looking the same way, doing the same thing everyday, making the same money, dating the same guy or having the same conversations, year after year after year. Then this post simply isn't for you.

But for the rest of us, who want more, who understand that wanting something different means that you have to do something different, who want to grow, learn and develop and that who understand that time is the most valuable thing that we have; setting and achieving things, day after day, month after month and year after year is insanely important.

If you are one of us, I'm sure you already knew that, the issue might be actually following through.

You're good at setting goals, not so much with actually achieving them?

Maybe it's not your fault, maybe you're just doing it wrong.

------------- How To Set Goals -------------

How many of us start the new year, or the random day that we decide we need to be better by writing a list of Goals?

Maybe that list looks something like this.

Lose 10lbs

Grow Hair Longer

Dress Better

Save Money

Get 1000 followers on X platform

Can you see the problem here? My STEM girlies are yelling at the screen saying that the goals aren't SMART (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Timely).

The real problem?

All of these goals are end products.

And to eliminate this problem, and make these goals better, we have to turn them into habits.

-------- How to turn Goals into Habits --------

Let's go through our list again.

Lose 10lbs -> Workout 4 times a week, do one form of excerise a day and eat at a caloric deficit.

Grow Hair Longer -> Keep hair in protective styles, use hair growth oils daily, only brush hair when in conditioner

Dress Better -> Sell the clothes I don't like to buy clothes I do like, do a closet clear out once a month, only buy things that are high quality

Save Money -> Budget all money once a month, unsubscribe from things I no longer use, declutter and sell things I no longer need once a month.

Get 1000 followers on X platform -> Post 3 times a week, create meaningful content, reply to all comments left on posts daily, interact with posts from others in the sam niche every day

Can you see the difference?

By changing your goals from the end product to the process these goals suddenly mean more. They're more helpful and seem much more achievable.

End goals cannot always be controlled, you can do everything right, post 3 times a week, reply to all your comments and your following count may still not change for months... then all of a sudden something goes viral and they'll call you an overnight success.

By shifting your focus to the things you can control, rather than the end product, your sense of achievement comes from your consistency and hard work, allowing you to keep going even when you don't see any changes.

This prevents you from giving up when success could be just around the corner.

-------- How To Achieve Your Goals --------

Now that we've gone through how to set Goals, lets talk about how to achieve them.

A lot of people just stop at the first part and never think about the things that they can do to ensure that their goals are met.

Never stop at the list.

Why?

You have no initiative to ever look at this list again so you'll most likely forget you even wrote them down in a few weeks

You haven't factored how your life may make achieving these goals a priority.

The answer to this problem?

Turning your Habits into Routines.

It's all well and good setting goals, even setting good goals. But you also need to make sure that you're creating an environment that's conducive to the goals you want to achieve, the habits you want to keep, and the life you want to create.

------- How to turn Habits into Routines ------

We've written down all our goals, turned them into habits and now it's time of the most important part, turning them into routines.

This is important because consistency is key, always. Instead of saying that you'll do something 3 times a week and leaving at that, let's go deeper.

Which days of the week will you do it? What time? For how long?

Leaving it up to chance is risky. What if you forget?

We need to create consistent routines.

Pick which days to do your habits

Pick what time you'll do your habits

Pick how long you'll do them for

Pick what you'll do before and after.

Try to make this as consistent as possible, for example, same time every day, same day every week.

Make sure that every single hour is accounted for, even if it's just set as free time.

Its easy to convince yourself you don't have enough time to do things, let's put all the things you have to do into a spreadsheet with how long it'll take and when you'll do it. Better yet we can use a calendar app or website.

See all the free time you've got?

Now creating routine is so much more than writing it down and doing it everyday or every week. At first you may have to check the app every five seconds to see what you're meant to be doing but if you stay consistent, after a few weeks it'll become second nature.

------------ Removing Distractions ----------

Organising your time and creating a routine is really eye-opening because it gives you a chance to wonder what the f*** you've been spending your time doing.

Nothing productive probably. Take a look at your screentime, what apps are you spending your time on? How long are you spending? Is this part of the life you'd like to build for yourself?

It might be time for a break.

I am being so honest when I said that getting rid of every single distraction that could be keeping me from my goal was the single most important decision I could've made when planning 2024.

I went full on, no Netflix, no YouTube, no music, no games, no social media. No distractions. For at least the first month of my new routine and I plan on only adding everything back slowly.

I advise you do the same.

Remove the things that you can see could distract you from your goals. What's keeping you from going to bed early? What would you rather do than going to the gym?

I'm telling you, I haven't stopped working on myself, because I genuinely have nothing better to do. I've cut all the distractions out. Going on my one hour walk is now what I look forward to all day. The gym is the best part of my day.

My days currently consist of self improvement, wellness podcasts, reading Jane Austen, being active, cleaning my spaces, skincare and early nights.

But it feels like I'm living my dream life? Whenever I think of my ideal day it's never included 4 hours of mindless scrolling or spending 2 hours down a YouTube rabbit hole.

When I think of my dream life it's always been home cooked meals, reading and fancy skincare routines. I couldn't be happier and I really don't feel like I'm missing out on anything.

TRY IT.

This is probably the most important step because the power that distractions have on us is so real.

You can do all the planning and have the best intentions but if your want to play games, scroll mindlessly on social media, text a guy that doesn't care about you or engage in celebrity drama is greater than your want to be better? Good Luck Charlie.

---- Making Your Goal Your Obsession ----

This is actually the fun part.

All I do is listen to podcasts about my goal, read books about my goals, make pinterest boards about my goals and talk to myself about my goals. I'm so obsessed.

Make a reading list, find some podcasts that align with your goals, follow blogs with the same mindset, talk to those of your friends that will get it.

This makes sure that nothing can distract you, and you can't just 'forget' to work towards your goal.

However, you must not let your time obsessing over your goal be more than your time actually working on your goal. Do not forget that.

------------- Books that could help ------------

Atomic Habits by James Clear

Digital Minimalism by Cal Newport

----- May the odds be ever in your favour.. -----

[justarandompersononthehellsite]

So... @muffinlance wrote a really awesome story. I read a post from a point in time, though I truly do not remember when since it seems like I've been working on this project forever, saying that she gives blanket permission for people to print and bind the story into a book (I think there was an also addendum saying that they do not give permission to be sold, since selling fic is illegal). This fic has had total control over my whole brain since it was sent to me (@creatorofthemind I believe it was you, so thank you forever for tuning me into it) back during the days of like chapter six or seven.

So here I am now, sharing this amazing journey of my first ever bookbinding adventure. Further reading below.

So to give you an idea of what's going on, this is a fanfiction about Zuko (Avatar the Last Airbender) (animated show version, the LA show did not exist yet and we do not speak of the movie) being adopted by Hakoda, Father of Katara and Zuko. (This might have also been what kicked off the Give Zuko A Parent craze, but don't fact check me.)

Overall, the characters from the show stick very well to the cannon versions, but where MuffinLance really shines is in the rich backstories and fleshed out feeling of all the non cannon elements. Especially the background characters. I would argue that the writing in this peice of fanwork could easily rival the cannon show at many points of comparison.

Now that you have context, we can get into the actual process.

To start, I used this guide to figure out where to even begin, and fount the included resource list to also be quite helpful. I cannot for the LIFE OF ME figure out where I found the template I used for the front matter and such, but it must be somewhere and I will link to it when I inevitably come across it again.

Then I began to typeset. This step took... a long time. I worked in chunks from about September of 2022 to late March of 2024. I would get a big section done, sometimes even the entire thing, but then find I hated the way I had done it and give up for months at a time. Such is the life of ADHD and flitting interest in projects I suppose.

And then finally, step one was done, and I was left with pages on a word document that look like this. (And do please let me know if you want the link to the document. It was so much work, and I would love to not be the only one to use it.)

Next step was printing out this beast. Ended up being about eight pages of front matter, and about 630 pages of body text.

That I printed wrong.

Twice.

Before finally getting it right. And then not getting a picture of it, because I finished at 4 am and had work at 7, and am also an idiot.

Then I simply stitched along, putting everything together into a beautiful text block.

And came up with a design for the cover.

Yes the glue did end up lumpy. Ignore it.

Yes I did have to sketch out the design onto a scraped page several times before I figured out what I was doing. Ignore that too.

The cover design does wrap around the entire cover. No I did not get a picture before I glued the thing down. See again: I'm an idiot. And just... massively impatient.

Finally, we get to the stage of gluing. Behold, my bookpress.

Of course, topped with Madam MuffinLances own actual professional-people book, Fox's Tounge and Kirin's Bone. It is Excelent. Here is the LINK so you can go and support this amazing author with the real-monies as well as the internet-kudos.

Then, once everything is glued together, one must give the book its "gilt" edges.

[st-danger]

i wish you would write a fic where rain and phantom dock :3

It not that Aeon isn't curious, and that's why he rarely asks for further clarification when approached about anything at all. Quite the opposite is true; he is so interested in the Above Ground and everything in it, he sees no reason to to ever ask why or why not or where or how or what.

(He also isn't much for asking who, either, but both Dew and Imperator don't see this as anything that requires addressing.)

The truth of it is he wants to know everything about everything. Questions simply slow the learning process down. Much easier to go along with whatever is brought before him and assume his fellow ghouls aren't about to lead him astray. Or at the very least, not so far astray he cannot find his way back.

So when Rain tells him let me show you something, and you'll like this, Aeon is Down, trademark and everything, even more so when Rain breathes hot against his cheek and tells him to watch.

Slack-jawed and through heavy lids, he does.

Rain's been working them both up in his capable hands, stroking them off in- where again? Aeon can't remember, but he knows that they're meant to be gathering supplies for Papa. He knows this because absurdly, he's still clutching the piece of paper with his requested items. They need incense, fourteen pieces of wide-ruled notebook paper, and a box of Cheerios (crossed out and then, having obviously thought better of it, re-written). Aeon isn't sure where it might be kept, but he's confident it isn't in a dusty, half-empty room. Nor down their pants, but he supposes the argument could be made they were just being thorough.

"Watch," Rain whispers, and Aeon stares while he rubs their tips together, sharing pre, getting the blush of them all shiny. He watches the careful way Rain plays with them, the way the toys with the foreskin. And then he does something Aeon has never before experienced.

Aeon watches the head of his cock disappear under Rain's foreskin instead of his own.

The further crinkling of the paper in his fist while it clenches seems absurdly loud in the empty room.

The slide of it is delicious. Hot. Funny in a way. intimate and private in another that feels perversely sweet. The moans Rain lets out are low and soft, unable to keep it to himself and easily echoed by Aeon. Rain manages to slide them both over each other in turn, slick and hot and- weird, it looks weird, he thinks, not bad, but they're both hard and watch it all slide up and down, and Rain is dripping, he can feel it-

"Look how close we are," Rain kisses the corner of his mouth.

[tarotmundomonde]

The person on your mind March 2024

love reading (feelings & actions)

Let me know, if it resonates and what you think about this type of a reading!

pick a number 1-5 OR an emoji 💟 🐳 🦚 🕸️ 📒

(ps. this reading is for practice and for fun)

1.💟 Okay, gotta be honest with this pile. At first, when I did the reading step by step, it seemed like overall you are dealing with someone, who does have some feelings for you, but whom to someone else is coming first. Therefore it looked like this person was keeping you as a back-up plan and ghosts you rather than directly rejects you. However, once I pulled all the cards to the table, something was off. So that interpretation might be true to someone. However, after taking a second look at your spread, it seemed to be your narrative about the situation, not the actual truth. Like you think that the reason why someone is not talking to you is, because they are in love with someone else and that it's the obvious. That it's time for you to accept that, you think this story is over and it's time to release it. However, this narrative of yours is not theirs. Looking at the cards, the connection is on pause at the moment, dormant, but the light is not gone. The connection is very much alive, it's simply on time out. This person sees you and you see them. And this person adores you. But it looks like things are lost in translation, you've misunderstood each other. You started writing different stories and chapters on your connection. You think they are taken? They think you are taken. So this person has taken distance from this connection, perhaps trying to release it. But your connection has a really strong heartbeat to it, no kidding. And whatever happens, there is a new beginning on the horizon. Your person has feelings for you, but they feel that they cannot tell you about them. It pains them, the feeling that they can't talk to you nor express their feelings to you. And as the month of March goes by, it really looks like they are madly in love with you. And it hurts that they can't just grab you into their arms and kiss you like there is no tomorrow. Again, they feel they can't tell you. As for their actions, it does look like rejection for sure. It's like they refuse to communicate with you, to talk to you. But the thing is that what they are trying to say is that they have dignity. And they are trying to get their sh*t together and you should, too. But in no way the cards are implying them ending things with you successfully. It looks like they want to make a point by putting the connection on hold. Like they are saying, if you want them, then it's only you and them. Kinda like by putting your connection on pause, they want you to realize that they are the one you have a heart-based connection with. Because this person is very aware that there is something deeper there between you two, so they are waiting. They've made up their mind and they will not budge.

2.🐳 Looking at the cards, it looks like you are in the middle of some kind of healing process. This person could actually be a distraction. Maybe they tried to use you for healing, but it doesn't look like you are supposed to know that. Online interaction could be emphasized in this connection. But it feels like this connection is perhaps short-lived or has some frustrating aspects to it, some repetitive pattens to it. There is definitely active spying going on here and mind games. But the attraction is real. This person could be quite attractive. So you two can't help but be curious about each other, but there is also dissatisfaction and isolation. And a sense of comparison. This person compares you to others and things. Currently, it looks like their feelings are more on the friendzone side towards you. They might have experienced you as a third-party that they are working on releasing. Like they are detaching themselves from you. But still, they kinda want to be there, they want to be friendly towards you. And as the month of March goes by, they could feel a little sorry, like they can't help but disappoint you. It's like they are saying that it's a pity, but now they have to fully prioritize another connection. It's like in their heart they want to tell you that they simply cannot be with you, they can't give you love or a relationship. Maybe friends could be possible, but nothing more. As for their actions, it's very passive. It looks like a break-up. But they are still there. It's kinda like you can see them happy with someone else. But oddly, it's like this person is expecting you to wait on them and they are expecting to see you try connect with them. Their attitude is that either way they will be happy and the one doing great. So it does seem that you two are still "connected", but perhaps for some healing reasons, like you are learning a lesson. They are bringing you some sort of drama and challenges to you. This person truly feels in their power and they seem to know the power of their attraction, so they are literally swimming in it. And it seems their presence is supposed to activate you to find your power, like you are meant to experience empowerment. So that's what is coming through for you in this reading.

3.🦚 Looking at the cards, this looks like a genuinely romantic connection with a lot of physical chemistry and a spiritual connection. This could also be a rather new connection. But even if not, definitely there is a feeling of trying to solidify the connection, a sense of wanting to protect it and to make it grow. Perhaps you are looking forward to taking the next step in this connection, for example a first kiss. But there are obstacles here. Whether it's distance or some sort of illusion and confusion you are dealing with. This person feels like they get and can get so much from you. But in their heart, they also feel like this connection could have a future. They feel like they want to be your companion in life and have you as their companion. And as the month of March goes by, it looks like they really want to speak about something with you but don't want to be the first one to bring it up. So instead, they are trying to stay as patient as they can and just wait. As for their actions, it seems to match with their feelings for you. They seem to take a more strategic approach towards you. Trying to figure out your next moves and to see, how they should play their cards with you. This person wants to be seen by you, they want to shine, they want your full attention. There will be focus on communication, on socializing with you, whether it's hanging out, going on dates or just texting/calling. But this person definitely graves to have intimacy with you. However, they want to feel special, they want to feel worthy. So it seems they might be seeking validation from you or some proofs that they are important to you. Like the fun and intimacy is not enough, they want to feel irreplaceable. So things will not move that smoothly forward this month. This person wants you to know the unsaid, to read between the lines. Like they refuse to say or ask, what they want to hear and know from you. So in the end, it's like they are waiting on you, waiting for you to realize something and to bring it up. This could be also simply them saying pick me to you.

4.🕸️ Looking at the cards, someone in this connection is all about the self-interest. They are in it for the benefits. It looks like someone here is looking for the right moment to make a move. Something about commitment or making a proposal. Also, delusion. Oh wow, so there is another woman, who entered the picture and she is like a wild fire in their heart. If they ever had any feelings for you, they are all gone. And as the month of March goes by, it looks like just like the wild fire came in, it's gone. Suddenly, it's over and they are in their blues. And that's when in their heart they feel like coming back to you feels right. Because they feel like you would welcome them back and that in your arms they would heal and feel safe and better. They seem to feel like you are a safe space, homey and comfortable and familiar. As for their actions, this person is extremely self-confident, whether it shows or not. They are certain you've been waiting for them. So it seems they plan to simply re-appear, as if nothing ever happened. And they'll come to get what they need from you. This person is more perseverant than you'd think and they know they are 100% sure that if they just wait, triumph is theirs. This person is like they know you don't want to be without them and that their presence is important to you and they know you want to see them. So it seems like they might try to come in and offer some kind of a more firm foundation to you. But remember, it's all about their self-interest, about what's in it for them. And this person believes you are obsessed with them and that's where their confidence about you stems from.

5.📒 Looking at the cards, maybe one of you or both are students or there is emphasis on studies or work. Something seems to be hindering the connection this month. Perhaps some limitations and complications, for example time constraints or business trips or being at a distance, etc. Otherwise, it seems the connection in itself is quite healthy and prospering. Indeed, it looks like your person doesn't have time for love. They seem to be so preoccupied with other things. They feel a bit conflicted towards you, because they feel like they don't have the time to see you nor talk to you. Yet, they want to do well with you but they can't. So, it's difficult for them. And as the month of March goes by, this person really wants to approach you but feels a little intimidated. They want to learn more about you, they want to get to know you better. But they may feel like they need some encouragement from your side. As for their actions, this person really wants to be honest with you. They seem to have some concerns and fears, perhaps they feel a little trapped. But they would like you to take the lead and that you show them actively attention. This person really wants your attention and support. It feels like they do want to give you hope so that you wouldn't stop being into them and wouldn't stop showing them interest. This person does want to see your connection develop further. So this could be a bit of a test from their side towards you as well. To see, how much you truly are into them. And if the conclusion is they are sure about you, then it seems they do want to take the next step towards you.

[mcdonaldsplayground]

| actually the worst | bonus part

aged up ao’nung x f!reader (18+)

part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | bonus part

summary: a few years after meeting the metkayina people (and quaritch trying to kill your entire family), you finally get a chance to bring ao’nung to see your former home. however, there’s more to think about than just touring him around the forest.

includes: 18+ content (not anything actually spicy, just more suggestive), teasing, swearing, suggestive remarks, ao’nung being a cocky bastard again😮‍💨

word count: 5.4k

a/n: okay so in this universe neteyam is still alive because i simply cannot process complex emotions at this time😀 also please note that i made up the general plot here just to fit the story but obviously it’s probably gonna be very different in the next avatar films😅 ALSO, i’m so sorry to anyone who was expecting smut or like, in-depth descriptions, but this is as spicy as my writing is gonna get for now hehe. hope you enjoy this lil’ bonus part. i’m gonna get to writing some other stuff soon:)

“Okay, everyone! We’re leaving in ten minutes so if you’re not ready by then, you’re flying by yourself!” Your father called, looking frantic as he saddled up his ikran and tried to herd everyone over at the same time. Jake always went full dad-mode before these trips.

Since the battle on the ship with Quaritch a few years ago, things had finally calmed down and allowed your family the ability to travel back home to the forest and the Omatikaya clan. However, the island had become your home too, so you tried to split your time between each. As much as you loved returning to the forest, though, there was someone that you found increasingly difficult to leave behind.

Ao’nung. The most annoying person you had ever met. Also, often to your chagrin, your boyfriend. The past few years together had been whatever your guys’ version of domestic bliss was. Mostly a lot of playful teasing and sometimes borderline bullying. A lot of flirting, too. Your family and friends often called the two of you childish, but that was just your dynamic, and you loved every second of it.

Recently, though, you’d been a little disappointed. Not with Ao’nung’s treatment of you, definitely not, but with how busy he’d been with his duties. You knew it wasn’t his fault, he was the son of the Olo’eyktan, after all. It was just that between going out hunting, Olo’eyktan training, and working on completing his warrior rites, you felt as if he was becoming a stranger that you were watching from afar. You couldn’t even remember the last time the two of you had been alone.

“Hey, I’m sorry that Ao’nung can’t come, [Y/N].” Neteyam said as he packed the last of his things and strapped them to his ikran, shooting you a sympathetic look. You sighed to yourself, trying not to let your disappointment show.

“It’s no big deal,” You shrugged. “It’s not like we’re leaving forever.” It was true that you wouldn’t be gone as long as usual this time, but it was certainly long enough. Not only would you be away from Ao’nung, but you would miss the completion of his Iknimaya. He was supposed to finish up next week, which was the only reason he wouldn’t be able to come with you like you had originally planned months ago. Actually, you'd been begging him to go along with you for a while, but it had never worked out with his schedule. This time seemed to cut the deepest, though.

“You keep saying it’s not a big deal, but I don’t think you mean that,” Neteyam pushed, coming over to stand next to you. His presence was a comfort, especially because he had inadvertently become the person you always went to for relationship advice. “It’s okay not to be okay, you know.”

“Yeah, I- I know…” You trailed off, unconvincing. “I just wanted to be there when he finished his Iknimaya. He’s worked so hard, Teyam.” You bit your lip, staring hard at the ground. “And-” You cut yourself off, suddenly feeling embarrassed at your own thoughts.

“And?” Neteyam’s tone was gentle, encouraging. You sighed.

“And I just keep worrying that he’s going to get tired of me being gone all the time. Once he’s officially a warrior he gets to choose a mate. I know it’s really horrible of me to think it, but, what if he doesn’t choose me?” You involuntarily imagined coming back from the forest to find him mated to another, your heart rising to your throat.

“I hear what you’re saying, but I have to tell you that’s impossible, [Y/N]. If you could see the way Ao’nung looks at you, you would know.” Neteyam grinned as you flushed, fighting a smile of your own. Before you could say anything in response, your dad declared it was time to leave. Your heart sank back down, and you turned to mount your ikran.

“Wait! Wait up! You’re going to forget your favourite, most handsome possession!” The deep voice sent a familiar shiver of longing down your spine, though his words made you roll your eyes. There was only one man in the world who could do that to you with just a sentence.

You whipped around, wide-eyed as your big dork of a boyfriend sprinted over to your family.

“Miss me, forest girl?” He was grinning like an absolute fool as he finally came to a stop a few feet away from you, panting slightly. You were quick to hide your extreme joy with a glare, lest you show just how much power he held over your emotions.

“Aren’t you supposed to be taming a skimwing right now?” You raised an eyebrow. “You know, so you can prove that you’re a man or something?” You held back a smirk as he narrowed his eyes.

“Alright, then. If you didn’t want me to come you should have just said so.” He said, nonchalantly shrugging as he turned to go back. You knew he was goading you, but you couldn’t help it as you jumped forward, catching his wrist.

“No! Don’t.”

“Oh, so you do want me to come?” He simpered, eyes dancing with mirth. If you weren’t in front of your family you probably would have jumped his bones right there. Something about that perpetual conceited attitude did things to you.

“Can you not be a dickhead for like, one second?” You asked, eliciting a chuckle from him. That was when you noticed the tattoo.

The sweeping intricate black lines spanned a good portion of the left side of his rib cage, swooping slightly up and around the curve of his back. It was gorgeous, but the ink looked incredibly fresh, the edges of the elegant piece slightly raised. You gaped, your fingers twitching with the urge to reach out and touch it.

“What is that?” You breathed, flicking your gaze up to meet your favourite ocean blues.

“I’m surprised you don’t know what a tattoo is considering you’ve lived here for-” You glared daggers as he spoke, indicating that now was not the time for witty banter. He cracked a wide grin, holding his hands up in surrender. “Alright, geez. I wanted to surprise you.”

“Okay but-” Suddenly everything fell into place in your mind and you gasped, your eyes growing wide. “You finished your Iknimaya?”

He nodded. “Just call me the greatest warrior who’s ever lived- woah!” He laughed deeply as you barreled into him, wrapping your arms around his neck before he lifted you off the ground and spun you around.

“Ao’nung the mighty warrior.” You could barely contain your smile as you peppered a few kisses along his cheeks. “I am so proud of you!”

It wasn’t like either of you to show such blatant affection in front of others, especially your parents, but it seemed impossible not to in this moment.

“That’s why I’ve been so busy lately,” He admitted, pulling back and setting you down in front of him, maintaining a loose grip on your waist. “I had to beg my father to let me work overtime, and it was a pretty tight schedule. I technically finished yesterday, but I woke up before dawn this morning to get my tattoo done.” You could have sworn the only other time Ao’nung had smiled this big was after your very first kiss.

“Oh, Nung, I’m so happy for you! Thank you!” You leaned in to kiss him, but you were rudely interrupted by your youngest brother, who was standing a few feet away with your family.

“Oh, Ao’nung! I’m so proud of you, mighty warrior! Let’s kiss in front of everyone and waste a whole bunch of time being gross!” He mocked in a high-pitched voice, rolling his eyes. Lo’ak may have gotten older, but he still loved to make fun of you two. “I hate to break up your guys’ little love fest, but we were supposed to leave like, ten minutes ago.” He huffed. Tsireya may not have been around to chastise him, but your mother certainly was. She smacked the back of his head, glaring at the boy.

“Lo’ak! You should be happy for Ao’nung! He is a warrior of the clan now.” Neytiri turned to look at Ao’nung, smiling proudly. Ever since your parents had found out about you and him, your mother was very supportive. She’d grown to love him like a son. Your father, however, was not so fond. You and him had been through many arguments in which he claimed you needed to wait until you were old enough for a mate in order to be with Ao’nung. Even now, when this had suddenly become possible, Jake looked a little disapproving.

“My love, Lo’ak is right. We really do have to get going.” You frowned at your father’s lack of enthusiasm, but nothing could truly drag your mood down for long as you thought about finally getting to show Ao’nung your precious forest. Even the days-long ikran flight didn’t seem all that bad anymore.

After you and Ao’nung clambered onto your ikran together and took off, you sighed contentedly, leaning back into him when you had a chance to relax a bit. You could feel the low tenor of his voice through his chest as he spoke, his hands placed on your thighs as he rubbed slow circles along them with his thumbs.

“I can’t wait to see this great forest you’ve been raving about for years.” You grinned at his words, biting your lip as you fantasized about showing him every inch of your former home.

“I can’t wait to see what my grandmother thinks of you.” You snorted. The image of her scrutinizing gaze making the usually overconfident Ao’nung sweat had you giggling.

“She’ll love me. All the ladies do.” You could hear the smirk in his words.

“I hated your guts when we met.” You reminded him, hoping to humble him even just slightly. It was a futile attempt.

“And now?”

“Maybe I still do.”

“Is that so?” He bent his head down to whisper into your ear. “It’s interesting that you hate my guts but yet you love when I rearrange y-”

“If you finish that sentence I will push you off this ikran so fast, Ao’nung.” You warned, a nervous laugh threatening to escape your chest.

“You’d miss me if you did that.”

“Unlikely.”

“Oh, you'd definitely miss me."

“So what is this boy’s name, again?” Your grandmother questioned as you helped her prepare food for dinner. You couldn’t help but smile as she squinted her eyes in the direction of where your brothers and Ao’nung were talking around the fire a little ways off. You all had arrived at the forest late, so everyone was just resting for the remainder of the night. Exploring would have to wait until tomorrow.

“His name is Ao’nung, grandmother.”

“Hm. Well, he could do with an attitude adjustment. But he looks to be a strong warrior, no doubt.” She pursed her lips, still appearing to scrutinize him.

“Yes. He actually just completed his Iknimaya,” You tried your best not to sound like you were gushing over him. “He is very strong, indeed.” The image of his toned arms flashed through your mind. The way he could lift you over his shoulder and carry you. The way his muscles tensed when he gripped your hips as he kissed you. You couldn’t help but flush, shaking your head slightly to clear it. Your grandmother was staring at you, the smallest of grins tugging at the corners of her lips.

“So you are mated, then?” She questioned, and you almost choked on air. You supposed you should have expected the question sooner or later, but it still surprised you. Your heart sped up at the thought.

“Oh- well… no.” You mentally cursed yourself for stuttering.

“You sound unsure, child. Do you not want to be his mate?”

“I- It’s- Yes. Yes of course I do,” Your gaze drifted over to him, watching fondly as he laughed at something Lo’ak had said. Despite the obvious stupidity of it, you still couldn’t shake the thought of him possibly choosing someone else to be his mate. It was like some deeply hidden fear you didn’t know you had until now. “It is just a matter of whether or not he wants to be my mate too.” You finished your thought quietly, looking down at your hands in your lap.

“I would think that would be the least of your worries, my dear.” Your grandmother spoke softly, placing a gentle hand on your knee. “He may be a mighty warrior, but even I can see his weakness is you. His eyes betray him every time he looks at you.” This was the second time recently someone had told you such a thing. It made you slightly dizzy with childish giddiness, the idea of you having such an affect on the aloof and confident male.

You were unsure how to respond, but you smiled widely to yourself, a little embarrassed. Your grandmother just chuckled and turned to call everyone over to eat.

The food was almost painfully good after eating pre-prepared meals over the course of your trip. Even Tuk, normally the pickiest eater ever, was scarfing every last bit down. It also felt great to eat together with your family, just enjoying their company as you leaned into Ao’nung’s side, his free arm wrapped around your shoulders. It didn’t take too long for everyone to finish and start turning in for the night.

Your family all slept in a group of hammocks nearby one another, but Ao’nung had been given a spare hammock a little ways away in order to give him more “privacy”, as your dad said, but you figured that he just didn’t want the two of you sleeping near each other. He was very protective and hypocritical considering everything he got up to with your mother when they were young. He was also naive if he thought that sending Ao’nung off by himself was going to keep you two apart.

Once everyone seemed soundly asleep, you silently slipped out of your hammock and crept away to find Ao’nung. It wasn’t too difficult as he appeared to be struggling to lie down comfortably in his hammock. You giggled quietly, sneaking up beside the warrior.

“Do you know how stupid you look right now?” You whispered, quickly slapping your hand over Ao’nung’s mouth as he yelped. You could barely hold in your laughter. “Shut up, skxawng! You’ll wake the whole clan!”

“Very funny, you little brat.” Ao’nung’s expression was sour, especially as he continued to struggle slightly with his hammock.

“You know, I’m very good at helping people who ask.” You smirked, folding your arms across your chest as you watched him try to stop swinging from side to side.

“Fine.” He huffed, glaring up at you.

“Fine what?”

“Seriously?” Ao’nung shot you an annoyed look, but you just stood there, enjoying the power you held in this situation. When you didn’t respond, he finally huffed, resigning himself to what he knew you wanted.

“Would you please do me the favour of helping me figure this stupid thing out, your all-knowing royal highness?” The last bit was a snarky joke, one meant to annoy you, but it only made you grin.

“Why didn’t you ask sooner, Nung?” You made your way over and steadied the hammock, fingertips pushing lightly on Ao’nung’s bicep to indicate that he should move over. When he shifted, you took the chance to climb in beside him, a look of pleasant surprise overtaking his features. The hammock stilled once the two of you had found a comfortable position facing each other, close enough to breathe the same air.

“So this is what you came here for?” Ao’nung questioned, his eyebrows raising as his signature cocky smirk settled onto his lips.

“It’s like you want me to punch you.” You scoffed, tracing the familiar patterns of his skin with your finger, particularly the glowing constellation of freckles that spanned his broad chest. He shivered beneath your touch. However, when you accidentally grazed over the edges of his new tattoo, he hissed. You quickly pulled back, cringing.

“Sorry!” You apologized hurriedly, worried that you had hurt him.

“No, it’s alright. It’s just still a little sore.” He admitted, offering you a gentle smile. You returned it, but did not place your hands back where they were.

“So, you can choose a mate now.” You finally said after a few moments of silence, peering through your lashes to try and gauge his expression. This was a conversation you had been dying to have for days, but it hadn’t seemed like the right time until now. Even so, your heart began to race slightly.

“Yes.” Ao’nung’s tone was low, serious. Maybe it was because of your nerves, but you found it difficult to read his expression.

“And?” You bit your lip, waiting impatiently for him to say anything. Your irrational fears were screaming in the back of your mind.

“And?” He quirked an eyebrow. “What do you want me to say?” You heart plummeted into your abdomen, unable to stop yourself from frowning deeply as you flicked your gaze down so you could avoid eye-contact. You swallowed thickly as your throat constricted. You felt like such a baby for reacting this way, but it was like you couldn’t stop it. The next words coming out felt like someone had stuck a branding iron down your throat.

“Do you want to mate with someone else?”

“What?” Ao’nung sat up slightly in shock, confusion and worry written all over his face. “What are you taking about?”

You just shrugged, afraid you would truly start crying if you spoke or even looked up from your fidgeting fingers.

“[Y/N].” His tone was firm but soft, a plead for you to explain. You felt ridiculously stupid.

“There’s lots of beautiful women of the clan. Many who would make a great Tsahìk some day,” You managed quietly, letting out a short breath. “I don’t want to hold you back just because we have been together so long. Besides, I know what your mother thinks of me, and maybe she is right. I still act like a child sometimes. I am gone so much visiting home. And I am not-” Your voice broke, a few warm tears finally spilling over onto your cheeks. “I am not Metkayina. I am not like you.”

It was painfully silent for a few torturously long seconds. Finally, you felt Ao’nung’s fingers tilt your chin up so he could look at you. His gaze was giving you the all-too-familiar impression that he was seeing you intimately, seeing beyond just your face.

“I do not want anyone else.” He breathed, moving to cradle your face in his hands, brushing away your tears with his thumbs. “I have the most beautiful woman here in front of me. And for some reason, Eywa forbid, I think she likes me.” He grinned and you felt your heart lift.

“You might be right about that.” You said quietly, earning a low chuckle from him.

“[Y/N], I need you to know that I do not care if my mother doesn’t approve of you. The other women of the clan do not tease me. They do not make ridiculously funny faces when they’re annoyed. They do not have the courage to stand up to me and call me a jerkwad when I’m being mean.” The two of you laughed faintly at the memory of you calling him every English insult you could think of. “I love you because you do all of those things. And I love you because you are just as much Metkayina as anyone else in the clan, even though you did not grow up knowing our ways. You were not born into your place there, you earned it, and I can only hope I’ve earned even a slight chance at being worthy enough to be your mate.” You were staring hard at each other now, barely breathing as you hung on to every single word he said. You slid your hands behind his neck, tugging him closer to you, your lips ghosting over his.

“Whether I like it or not, you own my heart, Ao’nung.”

His lips crashed to meet yours with an intensity that set your heart racing. The kiss was all heat and desperation, tongues and teeth. Ao’nung bit your bottom lip, smirking when you gasped. His fingers then found your waist and he smoothly flipped your positions so that he was over top of you, groaning as you placed kisses along his neck and jaw.

“I can’t believe you were worried about me not wanting to be your mate when I’m so fucking in love with you.” He said between sloppy kisses, his hands sliding slowly up and down your thighs, positioned on either side of his body. You shuddered at the way it made your stomach tighten. “As if I would let anyone else hold my heart in their hand.” You whined as he fingered the waistband of your clothing, sucking on a sweet spot just beneath your ear.

“I can think of something else of yours that I would love to hold right about now.” Your eyes glinted as you gazed at him, a quick flash of surprise passing over his face before he broke into a smirk.

“Be my guest, love.”

The mid-afternoon sun shone brightly as you excitedly made your way up the hallelujah mountains. You and Ao’nung had spent the morning around the forest with your family, but you’d really wanted to show him some of your favourite spots by yourself, one of which you were heading to now.

"Hurry up, slow poke!" You found yourself calling out, a laugh bubbling from your chest when Ao’nung groaned behind you. You turned your head back to grin tauntingly at him.

"When you said you were going to show me your home, this is not what I pictured us doing." Ao'nung frowned, glancing warily over the side of the vine you both walked upon.

"No? What exactly were you picturing, then, Nung?" You queried and Ao'nung's lips split into what you could only describe as a suggestive grin.

"Oh, you know, maybe a little less dangerous hiking and a little more finding a secluded spot to-"

"Oh my Eywa!" You yelped, shaking your head. "Just keep walking, you sick bastard."

"Just putting ideas out there.." He chuckled, suddenly pushing forward to catch up to you. He slung his arm around your waist, pulling you into him like it was the most natural action in the world.

You leaned in closer, standing on your tiptoes to whisper into his ear. "You're so desperate, Ao'nung." He shivered.

"Only for you, forest girl." As the words left his lips, you suddenly felt as if you’d experienced this moment before, down to the exact details. You furrowed your brows, trying hard to remember why it felt so familiar.

“Oh!” You gasped out loud, nearly sending your boyfriend toppling over the side of the vine as your memory came into focus. On instinct, you reached out quickly to steady a confused looking Ao’nung.

“Are you trying to kill me, woman?” He asked incredulously, placing a hand over his heart. “What was that?”

You flushed, unsure of what to say. It was such a strange experience to have to explain.

“Um, it’s nothing.” You laughed breathily, trying to sound as casual as possible before continuing your trek up the mountains. Unfortunately, that was not satisfactory enough for him. He grabbed at your waist, pulling you back into him so you were both were facing forward, your back flush against his chest.

“Tell me.” He whispered in your ear, sending goosebumps along your skin.

“It’s weird.” You chuckled, turning your head so you could meet his eyes. They were alight with interest.

“Like you don’t already say weird things all the time?” He asked, laughing as he earned a gentle punch to the bicep. You turned fully to face him.

“Do you remember the first night we went to the cove of ancestors? The night Kiri had a seizure?” You questioned, playing with your fingers as they rested on his chest, feeling his slow breaths beneath your touch.

“Of course.” He furrowed his brows slightly, as if playing through the memory in his head. “The first time you let your guard down around me.” His lips split into a small smirk, though it was more fond than cocky.

“Yeah, whatever,” You smiled softly. “Well, before all that crazy stuff happened, I had a vision when I connected to the tree. It was- well… it was this.” You bit your lip, spreading out your hands to indicate the scene around you.

“The mountains?” He questioned, not entirely following.

“Yes. But us, too. The exact conversation we just had a few minutes ago. It felt so familiar while it was happening, but I couldn’t remember why until now.” You felt awkward explaining it to him, avoiding eye contact and instead trying to read the rest of his face.

“So you knew this was going to happen?” It was a loaded question, indicating both the general situation and your relationship as a whole. A smirk was tugging at his lips.

“Kind of…” You said slowly. “But at the time I still thought I maybe hated you, so it freaked me out. I didn’t know if it was actually going to come true or not. I was working up the courage to talk to you about it before everything went to shit.” You laughed a little, thinking back on all the chaos of those first few months living on the island.

“I want you to be my mate.” Ao’nung said suddenly, staring down at you with a rare completely serious expression. You snapped your head up quickly, confused at the sudden turn in conversation, though a flutter of excitement settled in your stomach.

“I know,” You smiled softly. “I can’t wait until we get back home-”

“No, now.” His voice was firm, his mind already made up. Your eyebrows shot skyward. “I don’t want to waste anymore time not being officially bonded. We can go tonight,. I think Eywa has given us a sign through your dream.” He grabbed your hand, gently lacing his fingers with yours.

“But- what about our parents?” You asked, trying to ignore the rising giddiness inside of you. “I mean my dad will probably burst a blood vessel in his eye. And don’t even get me started on your mom… She already has enough reason to hate me.”

“It’s not about them, my love.”

“But you are the chief’s son, Nung. There are rituals and ceremonies for you and your chosen mate-”

“Me and you.”

“Yes,” You breath hitched slightly, blushing. “Us. Your parents won’t be pleased if you do not complete them in the traditional way.” You were speaking to deaf ears, reiterating things he already knew well.

“We’ll have our own stupid rituals.” He muttered, his fingers skating along your arm, bringing them up to trace the outline of your jaw. “Ceremonies and parties and disapproving parents can wait until we return.” He searched your eyes, desperately hoping for you to be feeling the same immediacy as him. The same all-consuming desire to be one after waiting so long. Despite your feeble rationale behind why it was a terrible idea, you had to admit that you wanted to do it just as badly.

“Tonight, then.” You finally caved, an excited buzz settling under your skin. Ao’nung grinned, picking you up to swing you around before pulling you into a hug. You could feel his excitement in the air around you, making you bite your lip to keep from smiling too wide.

You woke to the sun already shining brightly, pleasantly warming your skin. A pair of strong arms were wrapped around your abdomen, your legs tangled together with two other, longer and broader ones. It could have been any other morning after sneaking out to be with Ao’nung.

It was not.

You could feel the mating bond even now as your mate lay sleeping beneath you, his soft breaths tickling your skin. Nothing about your feelings for the warrior boy had changed, you still felt the deep love that had claimed a stake on your heart years ago, but it was like it had been fortified, made immortal under the gaze of Eywa. Your soul was tied completely to his, two halves to make a entirely new whole. His eyes fluttered open as you stared at his sleeping form, admiring his peacefulness. He smiled sleepily.

“Good morning, my love.” His voice was slightly raspy from sleep, and you felt your stomach tighten, suddenly replaying every euphoric detail about the night before. You clenched your legs together, letting Ao’nung sit up and pull you into his lap while running a hand slowly up your thigh. Once you were comfortably sitting on top of him, he began to place sweet kisses along your neck.

“Ao’nung.” You tried (failed) to sound stern, placing a hand on each of his biceps in a weak attempt to stop him from caressing all along your body. “We have to go back.” Your words got lost in a moan as he nipped at your collarbone, looking up at you in a desperate sort of way. You shuddered, unable to stop yourself from dipping your head down to place a kiss on his pouted lips. He kissed back fervently, one of his hands sliding to the back of your head while the other danced along your ribcage, dangerously close to eliciting another moan from you. If you didn’t stop now, you knew you never would.

“Alright, alright. Don’t make me smack you, dipshit.” He groaned in annoyance as you pulled away, your lips already slightly swollen from the kiss.

“C’mon, [Y/N].” He whined, his ears flicking back in disappointment. “You're my mate, now. Can we not just enjoy this time?”

You chuckled, tracing your thumb over his bottom lip. “I’m sure you got more than enough enjoyment last night. Now it’s time to for us to deal with the repercussions of that.” You quickly placed one more soft kiss on his lips before sighing and untangling your limbs from his. He unhappily followed your lead, holding your hand to help you up. As the two of you slowly began your walk back home, you smiled to yourself, feeling more content than you ever had before. Even the thought of confronting both your parents seemed but a small inconvenience, an easy price to pay for the sheer elation you felt at the bond you now shared with Ao’nung.

“I still think we could have stayed longer.” He frowned, swinging your intertwined hands back and forth slightly.

“Doubtful. It’s pretty much a miracle they haven’t sent out a search party already.” You laughed, guessing it was already mid-morning. Your family had probably been awake for hours.

“What should I say to your parents?” Ao’nung questioned.

“Well, you should probably start by begging my dad for mercy,” You deadpanned. “Though I doubt that will help.”

“Thanks, I’m so glad you’re confident in me.” Ao’nung quipped back sarcastically, rolling his eyes. “I’d like to remind you that I’m a warrior now.”

You grinned. “You’re about to be a dead warrior.”

“Well, at least my last great memory is of you on your knees last night-"

You cut him off with a light punch in the gut. It was like hitting the bark of a tree, but he did you the courtesy of pretending to feel it, at least.

“Geez, someone’s touchy about that.” He smirked, amusement flickering in his gaze.

“Just save the cockiness until after we talk to my parents. I know you probably don’t know to be humble, but-”

“Oh, I’ll be humble. I’ll be even more humble than Neteyam when he gets a compliment.” He spoke of it like a challenge, and you giggled.

“Speaking of that, I forgot to mention that my brothers are probably going to kill you, too, you know. Then maybe even Kiri. You’ll be dead four times over.”

“You’re lucky you’re worth all this murder I’m about to experience.”

“Just remember that this was your idea, genius.”

“Yeah, yeah. But who’s the one who loves me too much to have said no?”

“Shut up.”

“Fine. But only if you give me a good luck kiss before we get back because I’m starting to get nervous now.”

taglist:

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[yorutsuki]

「 ✦ Isekaied Reversed Pt. 3 ✦ 」

↳ Deciding it's better early than later, you inform Xiao about the reality of Teyvat and sooner or later doubts start clouding your head.

[Tags: @itztaki @hannya-writes @7sins7dreams @iota1111 @sakuramouchi]

──────⋆⋅☆⋅⋆──────

The two of you sat in the living room, you sat on the couch as he sat on the preferred ground.

"Alright, promise you won't react too badly when I tell you this?" You questioned for confirmation. The adeptus only shrugged. "I cannot promise of what I don't know."

You stared blankly at the short man at his riddle but nodded nonetheless, "understandable."

Clearing your throat you proceeded the explaining, praying that whatever God (at this point), gave mercy on you with whats to come.

"Alright, well, to put it simply—Teyvat—in this universe, is a game that everybody knows about." You stated as it was now Xiao's turn to stare blankly in confusion. Sighing, you pondered of a way to rephrase it.

"What I mean to say is, everybody from your world is but fiction here. They exist—your whole universe exists widely here but its not physical. It exist as..." As what? Joy for us? a digital concept thats basically a roleplaying game in which we can control you and your friends and your whole universe is a lie and turns out to be just code and is owned by a company? Wait- that could work-

"-a virtual game, all code and scripts that this universe's people can control almost. Nothing about it is real yet everything is known"

...

Silence fell between the both of you. You waited anxiously for an answer, intently staring down the man as he looked like he was experienced an emotional and mental crises.

"So what your telling me..Teyvat—Celestia, everything i've known is just..A lie?" He uttered in disbelief, his whole existance and knowledge crashing down as he shook his head in denial.

"And how do I know this isn't just some excuse? Some lie that you've created?" He glared at you.

You mentally and physically prepared yourself for this thankfully, "promise that you'll allow me to explain everything first before making a final desicion?" You asked as he hesitated but nonetheless nodded.

Pulling out your phone, you turned it on before entering Genshin Impact. You went over towards the yaksha before sitting down near him. Far enough to respect his space yet close enough for him to see.

"See, that's what some of us think are Celestia's gates." You pointed towards the blinding pearly gates, that welcomed you with bright lights. Entering the vast world, Xiao immediately recognized the layout. "That's Liyue..And thats.-" Cutting him off, you nodded in confirmation, "yea, thats Zhongli in a digital world."

Xiao was beyond stunned, he was overwhelmed with questions and emotions-yet little answers and resolves. How could this be? Zhongli's so...small? And it seems you can control him at will.

"-And before you jump to assumptions, no, i'm not physically harming him, nor am I doing any sort of demon arts to control him or anything else. As you said earlier, theres different universes. Theres a common thing called a video game in my world, which is this thingy right here—and Teyvat is just one many games thats been created."

Xiao looked bewildered, distraught and crushed. You felt quite horrible for the man. Maybe you should've explained everything in a easier manner?

"Uhm..I-"

"Don't."

You quickly shutted up as you watched the adeptus stand from the floor. "I just...I need time to process this all."

You nodded in understandment, watching the man making his way outside to the balcony before disappearing—only small specs of teal and shadow-like fog trailed behind.

Ceasing this moment, you banged your hand against the table, letting out a tired groan. Emotions and social conflict—especially from or for others, were quite tiresome, thus why you hated social interaction.

You just hope this conflict can be put to ease in due time.

....

Almost two hours passed and still no sign of the yaksha. You knew quite well not to worry as almost nothing in your world could harm the thousand year old-skilled fighter—not even the FBI or swat team. But...you couldn't help but have a nagging feeling of dread.

Scenerios started to slowly eat away at you, your anxiety increasing with each passing thought. What if he really did leave? What if he had got caught by someone? What if he....what if he decided to find someone who could actually help him..?

The last thought killed your heart. Honestly, you were never the main character type-far from it actually. You were more of a background character that played no significant role in life. Though, this experience would change that—it would give your life better meaning..yet, if that one main factor is gone...then its just back to square one.

Shaking your head, you shoved the negative and selfish thoughts aside,

This isn't about you, this is about Xiao. He's experiencing a life and probably also identity crises at the moment.

But for now, all you can do is give him his requested time.

...

An hour passed, there was still an absent sign of the yaksha.

Your worry grew ever so slightly. You knew nothing from your universe could take him down—not even the fbi, but you still couldn't shake the feeling that something could've happened.

As you walked around the apartment, no yaksha was in sight, the only option left was the roof.

...

Making your way up the concerningly long ass staircase, you opened the rusted metal door, only to be met with the same jade spear from not to long ago.

"Is this going to be a natural-daily occurrence or..?" You chuckled, not daring to move in fear of being punctured.

Xiao huffed in annoyance, retracting his spear before it disappeared into his inventory-gold specs replacing it's spot before disappearing. "For someone who knows a lot about us, your will on living seems slim—shouldn't you know sneaking on an adeptus without warning can lead to injuries?" He lectured, crossing his arms with a grunted look.

You rubbed your neck embarrassed, a small nervous chuckle escaped your vocal cords in replacement of words. "Sorry."

The adeptus shook his head, dismissing the mishap before walking towards the edge of the roof top, settling down at the edge, you followed in suit.

The moment of silence was defeaning between the two of you—only the whirring and explosive engines of cars and chirping birds ever so now and then filling the gap.

"So...do you want to talk about anything?" You asked, breaking the small tension. Xiao looked at you before furrowing his brows in thought. Of coarse he had much to ask, he had a bunch of questions and concerns that were gearing through his head, honestly he was surprised he hadn't received a headache yet. Yet his stoic demeanor and built exterior wouldn't allow him to spill—to show vulnerability. Though his persona did allow one question..

"Why..."

You stared at him dumbfounded, "Context?"

"Why...why did you decide to tell me about...all of this?—Why were we made? I...Was everything just..a lie?..." Xiao furrowed his brows as he looked down, his head swirling with unanswered thoughts that ate away at him. It was grueling.

You looked at him apathetically, how could you answer it? You didn't know. "Well, isn't it best to know sooner than be crushed later? In a different perspective, knowing 'the truth'...don't you think it would be easier to let the emotions settle in early than having to deal with them later?" You questioned. The adeptus only looked down in thought before sighing in agreement. "Adding on, I don't think your whole world is a lie. As we're experiencing now, there's a whole bunch of universes. You just so happen to stumble upon one where..hm, lets say indulged in on your world? You—the others, the whole of Teyvat most likely exists in general, just not here—if that helps." You assured the man. You couldn't exactly put it into words as you weren't much of a comforter but fanfics help with that. you try.

Xiao couldn't muster any words, his brain still processing everything. Looking below him at the streets, the moving cars, the occasional barks of dogs, the scenery. With a sigh, he let his mind at ease into a new perspective.

"It...it will take a while for me to digest all of this. But while i'm here, I should know more about this world than anything else." He spoke, his demeanor still stoic.

You let out a small nod, smiling, "of coarse."

.................

[A/N: That took quite a bit, sorry for the long wait, mixed up the plot for the majority and had to restart. I really hope that this went at a good pace and nothing was too fast or slow. TxT, anyways, thank you for reading!]

-------------

{ Part 3 }

{ Part 2 }

{ Part 1 }

............

[ Masterlist ]

[rabbiitte]

Sight vs. Senses: Exploring perception in Only Friends.

Because many people seem to be confused by this scene and don't know how to interpret it or simply classify it as “creepy”, I have decided to share my interpretation of how this scene uses cinematographic techniques and symbolism to influence the visual and general narrative of the series. Let's talk about Top and Mew's relationship, cinematography, visual narrative, symbolism, cinematographic techniques and the difference between vision-based perception and sense-based perception as inherent concepts in Top and Mew's relationship.

1. An introduction to cinematography, narrative and the use of visual metaphors.

Cinematography is a central element when creating movies or series, it can be used creatively to support the narrative and emotions of the story. At the same time, it contributes to create a visual narrative through the choice of camera angles, framing, camera movements and composition of images.

Visual narrative: refers to the way stories are told using primarily visual elements, such as images, composition, colors, symbolism, and camera movements, rather than relying primarily on dialogue or writing. It's about transmitting information, emotions and messages through what is seen on the screen in movies, television series, photographs or any other visual medium.

Visual narrative uses visual elements to convey emotions, themes and meanings that affect the perception of a story. Among the visual elements that are used to enrich the narrative we find visual metaphors.

Visual metaphors are visual elements in a cinematic work that represent abstract concepts, emotions, or themes. These metaphors can be subtle or prominent and are used to enrich the narrative and understanding of the story.

With this concept in mind, we can say that the date in the restaurant is a visual metaphor to address the concept of perception.

Perception is the process by which a person interprets and integrates the sensory information they receive from their environment to form an understanding of the world around them. It involves the ability to take sensory data, such as what you see, hear, smell, touch, or taste, and turn them into meaningful and understandable experiences.

In the restaurant, diners cannot see the food they're consuming until the lights are turned on at the end of the meal. This reflects a lack of literal vision, as they cannot use their sense of sight to identify food. Due to the lack of vision, diners must rely on their other senses, such as taste and smell, to experience food. This scene highlights the importance of trusting feelings and intuitions rather than relying solely on what can be seen with the eyes.

2. Narrative, cinematographic techniques and perception.

Another element that enriches visual narrative and, finally, narrative in general are cinematographic techniques. Visual narrative can use a variety of cinematic and visual techniques to guide the audience through a story, create atmosphere, reveal characters and their emotions, and convey underlying themes or messages. For example, the moment when Top asks Mew to use his senses and the camera focuses on Mew's face is a cinematic technique called “close up” and the following moment when the camera loses focus is a cinematic technique called “generalized blurring”.

Close up in cinematography and photography refers to the moment in which the camera gets very close to the subject, object or face of a character, filling most of the frame with that element. The main objective of a close up is to highlight details and facial expressions, allowing the viewer to concentrate on those elements with greater clarity and focus.

Generalized blurring in cinematography is a powerful tool in the hands of filmmakers to enrich the visual and emotional experience of a film. In this technique, the entire image is deliberately blurred or out of focus. It's used for various purposes like to set a specific mood in a scene or to represent the emotional or psychological states of the characters, among other uses.

In the restaurant scene, these techniques are used to concentrate on Mew's emotional or psychological state after Top asked him to use his senses and not his sight to perceive the food. Based on these cinematic techniques, we can infer that something important is happening in Mew's mind. In fact, judging by what happens after the scene, we can infer that something very important happened in the restaurant and that meant a change in Mew's attitude. What changed? The way Mew perceives Top.

3. Vision-based perception and sense-based perception.

In EP1, Mew told Top that he knew who was honest (about dating him) because “his sense was always right”. Basically, Mew is able to see people's intentions and, ultimately, their essence through sense-based perception.

Sense-based perception: this form of perception involves all human senses, such as sight, hearing, smell, touch and taste. It's based on the information captured through these senses to form a complete and rich understanding of the environment and people. Sense-based perception can be deeper and more accurate than other types of perception, as it involves multiple sensory modalities.

However, this isn't the type of perception that Mew has been using with Top until now. Mew is usually extra careful and suspicious around Top. His behaviour is usually guided by the mental image (of someone considered promiscuous) he formed of Top based on his immediate appearance. This type of perception is more related to what can be seen immediately and, finally, it's a type of perception related to the use of sight.

Vision-based perception focuses primarily on visual information. This is the most common form of perception in humans and refers to the ability to observe, interpret and understand the world through sight. Visual information is important, but it's often used along other senses to gain a complete understanding. In real life, things aren't what they seem at first glance and what it's seen doesn't always reflect the underlying reality.

An example of how Mew is usually guided by vision-based perception with Top can be found in EP2. When Top tells Mew about his trauma, Mew's immediate reaction is to laugh and not believe it. This is because what Top is telling Mew doesn't correspond to the mental image that Mew has formed of Top. The fact that Top can't sleep alone doesn't correspond to what Mew perceives based on his sight of Top.

Because visual-based perception is limited and must be used along other senses, this type of way of perceiving isn't enough to perceive the complete reality or, in this case, Top's essence.

Mew never stopped perceiving Top based on the apparent, based on the observable. We know this because Mew has never been around Top without his glasses (except in the water sports and shower scene) until EP5, episode in which Mew finally spends time with Top when he has broken glasses. The change in Mew's perception coincides with the episode in which his glasses break, coincidence? No, symbolism.

Mew's glasses: In this context, glasses could represent limited perception or distorted vision of reality.

In EP5, Top asks Mew three times to perceive him based on all his senses. All these times, Mew can't wear his glasses or Top suggests him to stop wearing them.

Situation #1: At the café, Top tells Mew that he wants to be clearly seen (although Mew can see him clearly while wearing his glasses) and recommends him to try a surgery. This time, Top suggests that Mew should stop wearing his glasses so he can perceive his essence/true self, while being guided by his sense-based perception.

Situation #2: At the restaurant, Top reminds Mew of what he said in the bookstore about sense-based perception and asks him to be guided by it. This is, again, a request to see Top as he really is and not based on a mental image.

That's why everything becomes blurry, it involves ignoring appearances or what's obvious in front of your eyes. Sense-based perception involves seeing Top's essence (and the affection he truly feels for Mew) and ignoring that which is easily perceptible to vision such as signs of lies. In this case, the generalized blur is a metaphor for saying that love is blind (in a cheesy way).

When Mew starts perceiving Top based on his senses, he loses control and shows how in love he really is with Top. Even all the people who were in the restaurant disappear because Mew and Top are not focusing on what can be perceived by sight, they're focusing on seeing the essence (and the love they feel for each other). This plane isn't on the same plane that the diners are, therefore they disappear.

I guess you can also say that people disappear because Mew is in love and he doesn't care about others, but I'd say it's more than that. It's a matter of perception. It has nothing to do with seeing, it has to do with looking and perceiving the essence of the person in front. It's not a passive activity, it's an active activity that requires collecting information based on all the senses.

No, I don't think it's a dream.

Situation #3: Before Top and Mew have their first time, Mew takes off his glasses and Top asks if he can see him. However, we know Mew can't see clearly without his glasses, so Top is actually asking him if he can perceive him based on his senses (if he can see his intentions and his deep love for him, that's why he keeps telling him that he loves him. He tries to supplant the sense of sight with the sense of listening).

4. The end of vision-based perception.

If we are guided by the idea that Mew's glasses are a symbolism that limits his perception to a vision-based perception, with no glasses Mew will be able to see clearly. Mew will see through Top's lies and that's why in EP5, Mew gets rid of his glasses and discovers Top's infidelity.

As you may have noticed, the restaurant scene is the climax of a topic that has been worked on, in relation to Top and Mew, since the beginning of the series. The restaurant scene marks a milestone in the relationship of both of them and the turning point in the narrative, this thanks to the way in which metaphors and cinematographic techniques shape the narrative. Clearly, this is one of my favorite scenes in the entire series and I think it has a high level of complexity and interpretation.

If you want to read more of my analyses, you can read my Mew analysis here. Stay tuned, I'll do a Ray analysis soon.

[dduane]

Dear Ms Duane, may I ask a writing question?

Do you ever abandon a piece you are working on, because you realize you don't actually know what to do with the story, and it's not vibing with you as much as you'd hoped?

If so, do you ever go back to those abandoned works later on to give them a second chance? Or do you prefer the 'no stepping in the same river twice' philosophy, and only ever move forward to work on new things?

I am dealing with this quandary right now, and would love to hear any advice you have on the subject :)

Thank you!

Thanks for asking about this, because it's a problem that seems to come up for a lot of people.

When I'm not working on something that's under contract, It's not at all uncommon that I get to a place with a piece of work in which it just doesn't seem to be advancing. (Or the outline I've written for it doesn't seem to be working out, or I'm missing something about the characters' interactions that is refusing to resolve.)

So I put whatever it is aside, along with (in the same zipped-up package) a text note with the project's vital stats: when it was started, when it got stuck, what seemed to be going wrong. I tag the package in a bunch of ways—genre, character names, year it was being worked on, medium, format, length—so I won't have trouble finding it again when I want it. And then I put it aside in a spot in my hard drive reserved for such projects, and move on to other work

What I may need to clarify here is that I've never, ever completely abandoned a project. Originally this came simply of a stubborn refusal to give up. (And I can get really stubborn sometimes. Ask @petermorwood.) But over years of experience I've found a better reason never to abandon a project: because you just cannot tell when it'll suddenly start working again.

Completely out of the blue, answers to unanswered questions will sometimes appear for projects that are literally decades old. I don't understand how the process works, so I have no intention of interfering with it by ever giving up on a project! Hope springs eternal, as the poet says. There's just no telling when even the most stubbornly stuck piece of work will suddenly suddenly sit up like Mushu in Mulan, shouting "HE LIVES!" And when something like that happens, assuming the current workload allows it, I go straight back to whatever it was and start work again. Life's too short to waste getting proud about this stuff. :)

Anyway: my recommendation is that you keep everything that's stuck (with notes on what happened, or failed to) and just... put it aside. And wait. Sometimes what needs to be done about one of these recalcitrant projects is... nothing.

HTH!

[byalexisness]

☆none like you

Eita Otoya x fem! reader

anonymous asked: hii!!! first i just wanna say that im in LOVE with how u write and how u portray the boys as yanderes sm!! like i just cannot stop rereading ur stories secondly i wanted to request one for otoya eita? where like: at first he treated reader like another fling, but when he notices that reader doesn't come running after him like the rest; he tries to get reader to like do that, but then becomes obsessed with reader in the process? im not sure if my request is understandable but i hope it is!! (ÓÓ) p.s no rush! u can take as long as u want, idm the wait!! <33

hiii, i'm really sorry for my absence and for the fact that this took so so so long and it's honestly so disappointing :(( i had no motivation to write and no ideas :( and i REALLY appreciate your love ty bby <3 content warning: yandere behavior, stalking, implied violence (not towards the reader)

at first, you were like the rest. a normal college girl, with your cute uniform and average grades, you didn't stand out in any way.

for him, you were just a...meh. he didn't really pay attention to you, just knowing you existed as his classmate, just another woman.

that's all he thought you were...

...until one day, when he tried to hit up on you and got a little surprise. instead of blushing, stuttering and acting like a high-school girl whose first crush interacted with her, you did...nothing, basically.

the conversation still replays in his mind to this day.

you were sitting in the college classroom, headphones on your head as you peacefully scrolled through your phone.

"well, hello there, cutie." he started with the same thing he tells every single girl, which, usually, makes them flustered.

you looked at him and, after blinking confused, you seemed to...cringe. as if it creeped you out to be flirted with.

"hello?" you greeted back, confused. "can i help you?"

"yeah, perhaps...you could..." he said as he leaned on your table. "...give me your number?"

blinking confused again, you cocked a brow. after a slight scoff, you shook your head.

"i'm not interested."

that was not the reaction he expected, at all.

and the fact that it didn't only happen once, but twice made it even worse.

eita was so used to girl chasing him that, when his advances got rejected, he felt hurt.

not in his heart, but in his ego.

you hurt his fragile ego so, you could only pay the price, right? and what better way to pay him back was there to exist rather than just straight up making you obsessed with him? just like any other girl, you have to fall for his charms, right?

right?

absolutely wrong.

during his weeks of continually chasing after you, by easily inserting himself into your small friendgroup, following you around, sitting next to you in every class you shared (simply making it that you two spend as much time togheter as possible), his whole plan went down the hill.

instead of having you become obsessed with him, he became obsessed with you.

it was just something about your appearance, about how you walked, about your voice...about you, overall, that made him lose his mind.

eita had no idea how and why did it happen, but he paid it no mind. he gaslit himself that he wasn't obsessed, that everything was just a part of his plan to make you love him so he could hurt your feelings.

not even karasu ever saw him like this.

that, until he found himself secretly beating up every boy that flirted with you or every person that generally upseted you...even if it was a simple reply that bothered you in your conversation with you.

he knew your schedule by heart, he knew where you went most of the time. he had dozens of photos of you kept in a secret compartiment of his room.

it was...concerning, really. and he knew it well enough.

and when he found out about what his best friend was up to, karasu tried to warn him... he really tried to convince otoya that his behavior was absolutely not normal. but to no use.

nothing and nobody could break otoya out of the spell you unknowingly put him under.

it was twisted and sick but he was in love.

deeply.

and it wouldn't end too pretty for you either.

[hostdoozy]

The horrifying implications of Meat Sweats powers.

Rupert (mainly known as meat sweats) is possibly one of my favourite side-villains within Rottmnt as of this moment. Down his writing and animation, the Gordon Ramsey parody is an absolute delight to watch.

Something about his mannerisms is beyond fascinating to me. He's a double threat, both cunning and robust. I could go on about for hours about this overgrown porky pig characteristic and how he is so much more than the very thing he is parodying.

But I'll spare you that mercy and focus on ONE aspect of his character.

His mutant powers. (read more down below)

In 'Nothing but Truffle' we get a lot of insight into how his abilities function. Using the strange tendrils that make up his arm and hands, he can latch onto his prey and suck out their 'essences'. Temporarily possessing his victim's powers while his victim is either immobilized or die after the process (implied). The key word here is "Temporarily" During the episode, after Mikey is betrayed by the British Meatbag we get this little exchange between the two.

"B-but- i thought you were nice now?" "Oh. that wore off hours ago...and by the way, you play lousy mandoline" This shows us, that once he absorbs his victim's powers- throughout the course of an entire day- they only last for a short period. This shows us, that his mutant form can quickly burn off "essences". why is this horrifying? I'll get into it soon enough, sit tightly. Let's us examine what exactly he IS absorbing.

We see that whenever Rupert is absorbing something- it is always GREEN and you what else is green? Empyrean. the source of yokai power, the ingredient used to create mutants. His mutant form requires Empyrean. What do I mean by "require"? well then. We established that Rupert can quickly burn off Empyrean after absorbing it. now i'd like to point out something to you. Notice how Rupert is often described as "cannibalistic" or "vampiric" by other characters, merch and even concept artwork. Notice how often he hunts, he jumps at any opportunity to catch any prey. See how within the show, there are many instances of him having cages upon cages of mutant/yokai saved for special occasions. Almost like, he NEEDS a constant onslaught of Empyrean not because he enjoys the power that comes with it but rather, out of necessity. It is VERY possible that his Mutant form needs it to survive. Normal food won't simply cut it, He hungers for yokai and mutants alike.

So is that it? seems pretty simple enough, right? AHAHAHAHAHA NO MY DEAR READER, WE ARE NOT DONE YET! you are stuck here with me. I had a shocking revelation, one that seemed rather far-fetch but please bear with me.

Rupert has minimal control of his powers.

When the metal gauntlets come off, Rupert cannot control what his tendrils can absorb. An example of this is featured is once again, in "Nothing but Truffle". The second Mikey pulled Rupert's arm to the weretree, the tendrils began draining it upon contact- against Rupert's will. He can't stop it. This is just one of the many instances of it. We know that Rupert can form "claws" with his tendrils based on this one Ep but this is the only time it happens. Usually, they are untangled instead of interconnected

While this could just be an animation inconsistency- please just. indulge me for a moment. Rupert is known as most dangerous mutant according to Tmnt and there's good reason for this. Despite Ruperts disadvantages, he is capable of working AROUND them. He is dangerous not because of his mutant abilities but for his intelligence. we the viewer don't suspect it because He is capable of making split-second decisions within a fight. Rupert is competent in many others ways that we overlook and mislead into thinking he's in full control of his powers. (Idk if he's autistic but he'd be a master at masking lol)

So NOW why is this horrifying?

Keep in mind. Rupert was a human- a shitty one but still human regardless. His mutation wasn't by choice. His cannibalism wasn't a choice. Imagine, you are at the height of your career and in the middle of your show- in front of an entire audience- you suddenly feel a pinch. everything is painful. Your body contorts into a horrific pigish amalgamation in a matter of minutes. The world has its eyes on you. people are watching. All you see is RED.

You've become a monster.

Once the red is gone. All that is left is the hunger. You are reduced to nothing more than a creature lurking within the shadows. A wall is put between you and the remaining semblance of your old life. Everything you work for, Gone. Left to rot away.

No matter how many scraps you pull out of NYC's trash piles. You are still hungry. This disgusting form of yours demands more. The only thing you can do to survive. is give in. indulge. you didn't just become a monster. you ARE the monster.

Whether or not Rupert was deserving of this faith is up in the air. We know that he's always been an Asshole. (both Mikey and himself go on to confirm this)

This isn't meant to suddenly paint Rupert in a sympathetic light nor be an attempt to "redeem" his actions. Far from it. This is meant to further insight into him as a villain and why he acts the way he does. Rupert still values his humanity. Rupert resorts to extreme measures to ensure his own comfortability and his legacy (i.e his restaurant) but thats a topic for another day.

To finally conclude this tangent. While Rupert is scummy sod, the situation he's forced into is unsettling when you sit down and think about it. If anything. he might have become a bigger asshole due to his mutation. (now excuse me- im going step inside this man's food truck and kiss him)

[lild00td00t]

Hello! I hope this is an okay request. can you do headcanons for how the admirals would comfort their fem! s/o when she is on her period?

Marine Admirals when you’re on your period: Fem! Reader

Hi Anon!!! Thank you so much for the request, I enjoyed writing this, I hope you enjoyed it and that I wrote it the way you liked <3<3<3

Characters: Akainu, Kizaru, Aokiji, Fujitora, Sengoku

Akainu | Sakazuki

• Akainu would expect you to be able to handle these things on your own, but he’s not cruel. He simply feels since you’re a grown woman he doesn’t really feel the need to “ hold your hand “ in this situation

• Unless you make it very clear that you’d like his support, more so than normal, he wouldn’t be very involved because again, to him this is a normal thing for women

• That being said, he will always have medicine and analgesics at your disposal, that being hot water bottles or ice packs to alleviate cramps, he tries to leave you hot tea in the morning to reduce cramps and will offer to draw you a bath before you go to sleep

• He’s not a very affectionate person, but if you need to be held he’ll hold you in bed, and try to comfort you, which doesn’t end the best since he’s silent and awkwardly rubbing your back- but hey, he’s trying right ?

• You’ll start to notice people checking in on you more, most likely Akainus doing so he can keep tabs on how you’re doing through the day, though he can’t see you id imagine he would send a cup of tea your way, but anonymously, he’s not openly affectionate outside of your home

Kizaru | Borsalino

• Offers period sex to help with cramps

• In all seriousness, he’s definitely worried, but knows that this is a monthly ordeal, and you’ve made it just fine before, except now you have his help and he’s over the moon to be a helping hand

• Very comforting presence, if you’re the type to get mood swings or have a depressive episode before your menstration he handles it like a champ, he understands that it’s a painful and natural process you’re going through so he holds absolutely no grudge or malice

• Besides Fujitora I imagine he’s probably one of the most patient partners, he’s very affirmative of you and acknowledges that you’re in pain and he’s there to help, he’s very aware of your needs and wants as well

Aokiji | Kuzan

• also offers period sex

• He’s gonna get lost in the pad aisle, and I mean genuinely lost.

• Imagine walking into an aisle and seeing this tall, lanky man, staring blankly at all the options before him, a shopping basket loosely hanging from his arm, his brain is probably resetting itself from how hard he’s thinking

• Buys a TON of different products, you can’t help but laugh at how confounded he is, staring at everything laid out before him, still confused

• You never have a shortage of ice or even a need for a cold compress, he prefers holding you and comforting you, after all he is an ice man <3

• He wants to constantly be near you so he offers naps a lot as a temporary solution of pain relief

Fujitora | Issho

• To me, he would understand this situation whole heartedly and do the best

• If you wake up to cramps or start crying his heart will absolutely break, and the first thing he does is comfort you, he’ll rub your back and give you soft kisses on your head while reassuringly telling you he’s there to help

• Since you’ve been seeing one another he keeps pads and tampons religiously stocked in his bathroom for you, he ALWAYS has medicine and is fully prepared every month for you <3

• He loves to offer you sweets or nice savory food, he’ll slip you a chocolate bar or some cookies if he sees you around but can’t stay long

• Fujitora seems like the type of partner to keep track of when his partner would get her period, like he has it marked on a calendar and knows when to start preparing, he’s so SWEET I cannot stress this enough

Sengoku

• Will buy you SO many snacks, whatever you want to eat is what he’s eating as well, if you like to binge snacks on your period then he’s your man

• You’ll have to do a errand run with him just to make sure he doesn’t forget your products, afterwards when you come home he implores you to take a nice warm bath with him <3

• Handles most of the house work and making dinner if you’re someone who feels fatigued during your period

• His goat LOVES to snuggle up to you or follow you around, that’s a tell tale sign to him that your period is coming, his goat WILL NOT leave you alone it’s adorable

• I imagine Sengoku to be a very physical person, so he has no problem giving you a massage if you don’t feel well or need a distraction from cramps

[oftenwantedafton]

Secret Smile - College English Professor/Vampire Steve Raglan/William Afton x Female College Student Reader

Chapter 3

Rating - Explicit

Warning for sexual content

Also available on AO3

The vampire hadn’t been exaggerating when he’d said he likes to drive fast.

The car moves in an absolute blur of speed that makes you think there’s something supernatural at work. A journey that should have taken twenty minutes is completed in less than a quarter of the time. You’re willing to bet that his car had been concealed before he’d pointed out its location to you—as if he’d cloaked it somehow. It seems as if anything is possible.

You arrive at your workplace and Steve—that’s what you’re forced to call him since he hasn’t revealed his real name yet—glances over at you. A little smirk. He’s showing off. As if the mere fact that he’s a vampire is not impressive enough in and of itself.

“Best behavior inside. Tongues will wag and all that. I’m sure you don’t want to be expelled and I’d rather not lose this job position.”

As if you’re going to jump him in front of your coworkers and the customers. As if you cannot control yourself. Even without the paralyzing scent, something about him draws you. Moth to flame. You can’t resist. You’re already thinking about your last kiss. Anticipating the next time he’ll sink his teeth into you. Tomorrow night, maybe. After he’s read your writing. You can’t even imagine what it’s going to be like sitting in the classroom now. Pretending there is nothing going on. You don’t even know what to classify it as.

“You’re not that irresistible,” you mutter, refusing to give him the satisfaction.

The grin widens. “As you say. Shall we go inside?”

There are a fair amount of customers. A short line. Raglan is the tallest in the crowd. You see more than one person spare him a second glance. He eyes the table in the corner and the couple who looks as if they’ve barely touched their dessert and drinks stand to leave.

“Perfect timing. Go snag that table, will you?”

“You don’t even know what I want to order. And you won’t get the employee discount if I’m not here with you.”

“I’ll manage. I’m treating you. What do you want to drink?”

“Um…hazelnut. Medium. Almond milk. Light on the sugar.”

“Done. Go sit down.”

You nod and wave to a few people you recognize as you sit in the chair tucked against the wall. The light above the table flickers. Definitely him doing something.

More customers have filed out. It’s quieter in the coffee shop now. Your professor settles across from you and places your drink in front of you. His own is laden with whipped cream. You can see the row of x’s indicating he’d asked for a drastic amount of sugar.

“Sweet tooth?” You take a sip of your own beverage.

“It’s the only way to make things palatable. An excess of flavor. Extra sugar. Extremely spicy foods. Things of that nature. Otherwise it quite literally tastes like ash.” He sucks on the straw. “Serviceable.”

“Do you still…you know…have to go?” Your cheeks are flushing.

He laughs. “Of course. Where else do you think it would end up? It’s still processed, just without purpose.”

You duck your head and swallow some more coffee. Maybe you should stop asking questions. It’s just so difficult not to. There are so many things you’re curious about. “So what do you do? When you’re not teaching. Or…resting.”

“That depends.”

“On?”

“On what I’m in the mood for.” There’s some whipped cream trapped in the corner of his mouth. His tongue darts out to catch it. It’s long. Longer than average. You tell yourself not to stare. The white substance vanishes, dissolved now against the heat. “When you come over, one of these nights, you’ll see some of it.”

When, not if. “I’m coming over?”

“Aren’t you?”

You swallow. “I don’t…I don’t know if I’m comfortable with that.”

“What do you imagine would happen? I’ve already had the opportunity to…well. You know. There would be little point to all of this if that was simply the end goal.”

“What is the end goal?”

He hums in amusement. Your eyes dart around the room. No one is paying any attention. You try to imagine what his house will look like. Wrought iron gates. Gothic turn of the century. Sprawling library. Victorian settee. Heavy drapes covering every window. Crushed velvet beneath your fingers when he kisses you. The watchful flutter of eyes as dawn approaches.

The light above the table flickers again. You blink. The vampire smiles.

“Enough about me. What about you? Which classic authors do you like to read?”

“It’s cliché to say Poe, right? Every angst filled teen favors him. But yes, him.”

“Lovecraft?”

“Yes. Wharton. Brontë.”

“Which?”

“Any. All. Stevenson. Wilde. Hardy.”

“At least some of these are on the required reading list. Who else?”

“Tarkington. Dumas.”

“Why do you resent taking my class so much?”

You stare at him. “I never said…”

“You didn’t need to. It was written all over your face from the moment I walked into the room.”

You run your nail over the edge of your cup. “I don’t like being told what to read. And even worse, how to feel about what I’ve read. Like there’s some universal truth in every tale that everyone has to know. What if it’s not even the truth? What if that isn’t what the writer meant at all?”

Steve takes a long swallow. “Interesting.”

“What is?”

“You. I’m eager to read your work and get everything very, very wrong. You’ll tell me if I interpret things incorrectly, won’t you?”

“You’re making fun of me.”

“Not really. It’s refreshing to have someone that’s not an obedient drone like the rest. I like the challenge of it.” He stirs his drink. The whipped topping has completely dissolved. “I may be able to help you find something of value in some of the works, at the very least. And the others, well. They’re more of an expected requirement than I’d like. But that’s simply how the game is played.” Another sip and a frown. “Too much ice. It’s watered down now.”

“I do a better job making them.”

“Do you? I’ll have to take you up on that some time.” He glances at his wristwatch. “I suppose I should be bringing you back. It’s getting late.”

***

You’re returned to your vehicle without incident.

You stand beside it, keys in hand, backpack on shoulder. Steve is still behind the wheel of the Spur. You wish you were still inside with him. Or him outside with you. A kiss goodnight that would taste like coffee. “I’ll see you tomorrow night.”

It’s impossible to track his car as it departs. A smear of color and it’s vanished. You return to your apartment. Undress for bed and catch sight of the bite marks in the mirror. Think about the promise of tomorrow.

***

Sunday evening. Steve’s waiting for you in the entryway inside the converted Victorian again.

Still cloaked in shadows. You lean against the door now closed at your back.

Silence.

“Did you read it?”

“Yes.”

“And?”

“You are wasting your time being undeclared. Pursue the writing instead.”

“It’s that good?” You flush at his praise. You’d expected him to be critical. Harsh. Unforgiving.

“It’s rough still. Restrained. You’re holding back. But the potential is tremendous. I want more.”

Sandalwood. Burnt sugar. Evergreen boughs. “You don’t have to do that, you know.”

You know he’s smiling even though it’s too dark to see his features. “It’s not entirely voluntary.”

“I would have thought you’d have perfected it by now. Given you’ve had so many years…”

“Are you calling me old?”

“Maybe.”

He’s in front of you in an instant. Disobeying the laws of physics. Arguing with time. “You’re wearing a dress.”

“Do you like it?” You hadn’t packed a lot of clothes for college outside of utilitarian jeans and tshirts and hoodies. But you had brought a black dress that clings in all the right places. You’re wearing it now.

“Very much.”

“Did you sleep well today?”

“The prey is bold. Yes, I did.” You hear him rest a hand against the wood behind you, feel him leaning towards you. “So fast, soft rabbit. Your heart.” His finger traces a line from your lips down your throat and lets it rest at the hollow there. His lips are so close to your own, each word uttered bathing you in warmth. “This space here. Waiting to be filled. Shallow notch. Gossamer skin.” He groans softly. “I can smell your desire, little mouse. To fill all your hollow spaces. Honeyed cavity. Mouth watering, lips parted…” His thumb shoves against your lips and you let it invade your mouth, sucking, laving, biting the pad. “I will take you apart with my tongue, with my fingers. Sculpt you anew.” The scent is overpowering again. A struck matchbook. Leather. Oolong tea. Decaying roses.

Raglan’s hand vanishes from your mouth, from the door behind you. The air is so much colder without him pressed against you. You’re panting. Warm and wet, even as he’d claimed.

“Do you want to visit the fox’s lair?”

You do.

***

Your English professor’s home is somewhat like you’d imagined it.

Maybe not quite as overtly gothic and moody, but close. The wrought iron fence. The sprawling porch and many gables. A vast library. No fainting couch but the more traditional leather one looks soft and comfortable. Every window shrouded with blackout curtains. A clock in each room. At least one. A necessary reminder, if he should lose track of time, of the approaching enemy daylight.

A baby grand piano is tucked into one corner. You haven’t played in years. You slide back the cover and your fingers touch the keys, toying with a melody you remember from childhood.

“You have experience.”

”Some lessons. Years ago. I didn’t have the discipline to stick with it. I should have.”

The instructor slides onto the narrow padded bench. There is no comparison when his slender fingers move over the keys. They are deft, expert. His head is bowed, his eyes closed. Lost to another time and place you cannot reach. His fingers lift, his eyes open once more. The strings finally cease humming. “Beautiful,” you murmur. You mean the music. You mean him. There’s something in this eternal creature. Beyond the appeal of the dark seduction. Buried deep.

You think there must be another window as you reach the landing after the first flight of stairs. The wall is completely covered. How frightening it must be to have so little to stand between oneself and annihilation. You give voice to the thought out loud.

“It is something you grow accustomed to. You greet the dawn. I wait for the night. A dichotomy of nature that must be obeyed.”

“Have you ever waited too long? Have you…”

“Yes. And the pain is excruciating. It is another lesson one does not soon forget.”

Another flight. You hover at the edge of the doorway to what must be the master bedroom. His room. “Do you ever invite people over?”

The bearded man studies you. “Are you asking if I’ve ever brought a lover into this room?”

You blush. You don’t know why it’s so difficult to ask. “I know it’s none of my business, I just…”

“You’re jealous.”

“A little,” you admit.

“Do you imagine I’m some Casanova wooing helpless women? A continuous stream of bodies for my pleasure? No. Nothing like that. I am very, very particular about whom I bring into my home. Into my bed.” He steps inside the room, holding out a hand to you. “Are you coming in?”

Your accept his outstretched fingers and he draws you against him. A little smirk. The glasses slip down his nose as his face tips to regard you. He sighs impatiently and tugs them free, placing them on the nightstand before switching on the lamp there, adding to the faint illumination from the hallway, the bedroom door still ajar. The only light the vampire is allowed. Artificial. Imitation. You think it’s more for your benefit than his.

The bed has four posts. Canopied. An extra layer of protection against the sunlight. He sits on the edge of the mattress. Unlaces his shoes. Lies back atop the covers and waits for you to join him.

You step out of your heels. Tuck yourself against his body. His fingers stroke your hair. You line your hand up with his unoccupied one. So small against his. Rough fingertips. You wonder what he’s done for work previously.

You sit up so you can see his face. He looks different without the glasses. You touch his cheek. “Do you still have to shave?” Trim your hair?”

“No. Everything is as it was when I…transformed. A moment forever fixed in time.” He traps your hand. Pale eyes going dark. There are crickets outside. You only realize it when their song ceases. Breath held, anticipating. You bend to kiss his mouth. A gentle brush stroke. Moth’s wings. His fingers weave through your hair and he pulls your mouth firmly against his. Your stomach flutters when his tongue parts your lips. You’ve thought of this all day. Dreamt of this all night. How addicted you already are to this forbidden world of his.

Steve pushes you down beneath him. His kisses wander. Your jaw. Your throat. You think for a moment he might…but no. He continues. Kisses the suprasternal notch he’d been remarking over earlier. Fingers gathering the hem of your dress. You bend your leg, letting him slide beneath, along thigh high nylons. You gasp and arch when he makes contact with the space between your thighs. You’re wearing black lace, the patterns of roses etched in thin threads. His fingers deftly dip beneath the barrier and he’s there, at your sex.

“Oh, little one, so wet for me.” He spreads your arousal through your lips and trails up to your clit. You whimper. Your thighs tremble as he traces small circles over that sensitive spot.

He pauses only long enough to change positions, tugging your panties free. One hand rests against your mound. His bearded face between your thighs. He turns to kiss the inside of your leg. Slight scratch of facial hair. Back to center. He’s watching you. Your neck slightly craning to see him. His mouth presses to your pussy.

Your head immediately rocks back, sinking into the pillows. Tiny strokes along your nub. Sucking softly, but you can feel the points of his cuspids. Drawing lines from your entrance, through the folds, back up to your hardening button. Tongue curled. Collecting your slick. Letting it drip over you. His saliva thick in the mix. Long tongue spearing you, curling again inside. Soft moans. He’s enjoying you. You’re watching him again. Your fingers in his graying hair.

A finger slips inside you and you whine your approval, grinding against his hand, mashing his face into your cunt. His lips are so ravenous, forever kissing, lingering in all the little nearby spaces: the unfolded line of your groin, the top of your mound, between your outer labia and your thigh. He sucks your tender raised tissue into his mouth, grinning around it, watching your reaction, stabbing another finger inside of your canal.

The scent is back. Rusted metal. Freshly tilled soil. Petrol. Your head digs into the pillows, your fingers drive into his scalp. He hums and your body finds the frequency and releases. You writhe and spasm until you feel his teeth sinking into the flesh of your inner thigh and you erupt a second time.

The minutes pass. The fragrance fades. His mouth is back on yours. You taste yourself, your fluids and your blood mingling together. His beard is saturated with it. His breathing sounds labored. Your hands work on freeing him from his briefs. A gasp when you realize how much he has between his legs. He’ll destroy you with it, when the time comes.

Steve moans against your throat. He laps at the scars from his previous bites. They burn and itch. Ache and throb. You continue stroking.

“You taste so good, my little wonder, if you only knew, the piquant novelty…like drinking rapture…so hard to stop, when your pulse is at my lips…consume, devour…shatter me to pieces…burn me like the sun, I can’t look away…just like that, just like that, I’m going to…”

His cock pulses against your fingers and you feel his seed flooding over them. His breath shudders, his body sinking down beside yours.

The crickets begin their song again.

[wataksampingan]

This was supposed to be some form of Therdeo Dane Lapileon Defense Thesis but my brain cannot pull off all the necessary research to do it justice.

So I guess let’s just brain dump all my thoughts and feelings?? About this manhwa?? (Spoilers for the story up to episode 63 on Webtoons and 66 on Naver Webtoons)

...this also gets FAR too long so cut is here for sanity’s sake. Tl;dr Theo Lapileon is a wounded puppy and I want him to be happy gdi

I need to preface the Theo content by saying that I adore Pereshati. I think she’s one of the more realistic heroines that I’ve read, in the sense that she’s plucky and determined but she damn well knows how the game is played. Every move she makes is plagued with doubt and uncertainty coz she’s only a minor noble, and one with an unbelievable story at that. (Resurrecting after being fed poisonous blood and getting thrown back in time is a stretch for anyone). But whenever she does decide to do something, she handles herself with the kind of poise you’d expect from a grown woman who knows how polite society works. It’s the kind of elegance and maturity that the novel’s Perry doesn’t have.

I wonder very much how seungu would have thrown Perry into Theo’s way if they had had full control of the adaptation because the first... 10? episodes or so reads very much like a typical isekai manhwa: she’s murdered, she awakes, and then immediately besieges Theo with a proposal, simply because he needs to marry someone to get the emperor/princess off his back. The Perry we see currently in the latest chapters would likely have done something smarter/more socially acceptable/conventional simply because imperial pressure or no, why the fuck would the grand duke entertain a minor noble they’ve never met before?

Granted, this is quite in line with Theo’s character in the first few episodes as well (which is lampshaded in a later chapter AND I LOVED IT) whose excuse for entertaining her absurd request/proposal is just “I got curious about the woman who kept bombarding us with messages”. The Theo we see later, who just burns letters from the Fourth Princess Dodolea without even thinking about it, would have hardly buckled under that kind of insistence.

This is all pure speculation of course because the artist, seungu, has no social media I could trace. The original novel’s writer, Han Yoonseol, has Twitter and various socmed that show an active writing career and interest in the MILAOWM webtoon. But the artist? Nothing, apart from their work. They’ve completed a previous series (Google translated to “New Year’s Taste”) but that also seems like an adaptation. I have no access to their thought process, rationale or any inkling of why certain decisions were made. 

Whatever the case though, those decisions so far have me hooked. They’re making changes that reflect something more... realistic, with higher stakes and actual consequences for the actions of the characters. E.g. you can’t humiliate, much less threaten, members of the nobility at a public function in front of a crowd without some sort of retaliation. Theo in the novel actually threatens to kill a nobleman in cold blood in front of a gathered audience whereas Theo in the manhwa does this in private.

Well, I say threaten. In the manhwa, he has just a fraction of the dialogue Novel!Theo says. Just one or two lines before he snaps and is about to decapitate a mofo before being restrained by his guards. The bullying incident that precipitates this is also dealt with realistic actions and importantly, contains a reflection on Perry’s part about the power and privilege the Lapileons have in this universe. I don’t know if this foreshadows anything but my mind has gone as far as the dissolution of the empire/defection to an enemy kingdom (and the loss of their noble titles) by the end of the whole manhwa. Far-fetched? Maybe, but I have so much faith in seungu by now and so little idea of what they’re planning that I won’t be surprised.

Manhwa!Therdeo Lapileon is also extremely taciturn and poker-faced, to all the natural disadvantages this sort of personality entails. Everything we know about him is told in silent images, or expressions we explicitly don’t see. This is a man who believes in actions over words, who has no idea that open communication is a Thing and that doing stuff behind a person’s back without telling them can backfire at times (”I’m gonna have someone follow my wife’s ex-fiance around without telling her, and that got her kidnapped. SHIT.”) And all the backstory that’s been hinted at so far gives us very sad explanations how he turned out this way.

One could very justifiably argue that actually, the entire Lapileon family is a collection of sad iron woobies. Saoirse lost her husband and only son because of her own blood, Phineas is doing his level best to save his family but keeps seeing them die despite his medical expertise, Gloria probably had a HELL of a marriage to survive this long, and the poor children have had their own bouts of suffering and daddy issues. And of course there’s also Pereshati who’s been murdered about 3-4 times at this point, and lost a most beloved father to a stepmother she loved to the moon and back.

BUT. Theo.

If the housekeeper’s flashback in Episode 47 is anything to go by, and if I’m guessing right, Theo and Saoirse’s father (maybe grandfather? Unclear at this point but let’s go with father for now) was a nightmare of a man. Slaughtering servants for infractions was probably a regular threat in the Lapileon home, and judging from that flashback during the episodes when they first find Islette, so was torturing and testing his younger son’s limits. His survival in the family was due to his “usefulness”.

One can suspect that of the three siblings, Theo was the one with the softest heart. We have no idea what his older brother (Celphi’s dad) was like yet and Saoirse is a Lapileon to the core: toughened enough to do what is needed, hardened even further by tragedy. She’s also a mom, which is why harming Islette earned Gen a rightful and vicious stiletto-heels-to-the-face-ass kicking. It also gets Theo a reprimand: get his shit together or step down from the headship of the family.

(And I’m just. Saoirse, honey, I love and respect you immensely and to be stepped on by your footwear of choice would be my honour. But that’s your younger brother we’re talking about. And he’s been emotionally sucker punched in just about every aspect. He’s trying, okay?)

I’m just saying that when you’re a child, and abused to that degree, sympathy from the devil is still sympathy. Of course it echoes to the present day even as a full-grown, supposedly rational adult. Of course it’s going to fuck you up.

You were also probably raised to put family above all (witness Theo not trusting Perry with the full truth of Celphi’s condition until circumstances force his hand, Saoirse only fully warming up to her once it’s clear she loves Celphi without any ulterior motive, Gloria immediately expecting her to be wrong about the family blood being sold, only to be confounded by the awful truth that this stranger to the family was right). You’ve been operating on the full expectation that any Lapileon would follow that creed. How could they not? Their curse is too great a responsibility.

Then you’re forced to confront the devil who once gave you rare comfort as a child, and that devil bears your family name and blood. Not only does he spout the most heinous things you’ve never imagined, he also manages to hit you where it hurts: you have used your blood. You have used it for your own benefit. Are you truly no better than he is? Who are you to judge him?

(Never mind that the devil is a liar and is trying to save his own ass which is why Saoirse, who has a better understanding of her own identity and self-worth, doesn’t give him enough time to say anything - she just kicks the shit out of him)

Is it any wonder Theo hesitates to do anything harsher?

Everything he does implies a reluctance to inflict lethal force if it can be helped. Perry remarks on it when he first removes Schiff without killing him the day they got married. He doesn’t even draw his sword on the assassin at the parade, merely KICKING HIM INTO ORBIT subduing him long enough to be taken in by the guards. The only times he has killed someone in the story is Perry’s ex-fiance who had kidnapped and blackmailed her, and... well, Perry herself.

(Which again goes back to that weird early episode installment - how do you reconcile him feeding her his blood in such a cavalier manner with the gravity of his responsibility as head of the family to ensure their blood isn’t used exactly like that?

You give him a HUGEASS dose of remorse and guilt later on when Gen accuses him of also using the blood to his own advantage, and then have him offer a sincere apology to the woman he experimented on.)

He also very nearly murdered the father of the child who bullied his ward. But even that was prevented by Raymon, the guard. This is more speculation on my part but his personal guards - who are all loyal to him beyond a doubt - may have been instructed (by him?) to restrain Theo, maybe to make sure he doesn’t repeat the sins of his father who just murdered people as and when it suited him. I don’t know if seungu would even bring this up at some point but I’ll be thrilled if that is the case.

This abusive childhood is compounded by the trauma of war. Theo specifically is credited with just swooping in out of the blue and ending the conflict between the Castor Empire and the kingdom of Schwartz. His reaction to being hailed a hero is to show up covered in blood to report to the emperor, and then disappear back to the country without attending any ceremonies. It earns him the notorious reputation of being “the bloodthirsty war fiend”.

Judging from Episode 13, what he really earned was a lifelong diagnosis of PTSD and various other neuroses. “Fuck this noise, I’m going home” was a reasonable reaction from a man who has no care or time for polite society. I'd go a bit further to suggest he also didn’t want to hear his actions being lauded as heroic when all he experienced was violence and death (re: that line about him being glad his statue was destroyed, that it’d been a stain on his honour). Whatever he did was to satisfy the emperor who has some form of hold over him, and absolutely no respect for the Lapileons (every single reaction from any imperial family member, even creepy Dodolea, has been sneering condescension or reluctant compliments). So from that perspective, why the hell would he have stayed to schmooze at the castle?

There are no therapists in Castor clearly coz Theo does what most soft-hearted introverts do and represses the shit out of his trauma. Just... stuff it WAY down into the depths of his subconscious and never address it because what the fuck else would you expect him to do? Talk about his ~*~feelings~*~ in the Lapileon house where weakness is a death sentence? No, he bundles it all behind his iron mask and resigns himself to literal nightmares for the rest of his existence.

The timeline has yet to be properly established, but I'm guessing that he comes back from war only to find that his brother has died and sister-in-law has just upped and left. Which means baby Celphi is left in his care. I’m not sure why Saoirse wasn’t the one to adopt him, but I’m guessing since he’s the next in line to the grand dukedom, it ‘makes sense’ that Grand Duke Therdeo has to be in charge of him. (Saoirse not being able to become head of the family just because she’s a woman is another sticking point that I suspect will be key to resolving this entire mess) (how/when exactly he becomes Theo’s ward is subject to many theories since the timeline of the story hasn’t been actually clearly explained; a guess that a friend and I have settled on is perhaps at the time, securing Celphi’s place as a ‘spare heir’ after Saoirse, Saoirse’s son and Theo in the line of succession would have been a practical decision. Either that or, more plausibly, Theo saw Celphi in himself and just decided to adopt the boy. Which makes this next part even more tragic)

The image of Theo in a soldier’s uniform looking helplessly into the cradle, with baby Celphi reaching up to him, broke me when I first saw it. It explains every mistake Theo made in trying to raise him.

He was a soldier. What the hell would he know about raising children (even if the theory that he chose to adopt this boy is correct)? He loves this tiny child with every breath, and he’d do anything for Celphi - but most of what he knows is how to fight and die. How the fuck does that help?? Not only that, his only experience of fatherhood is the shadow of a man who abused him so severely. What is that supposed to teach a man about parenting?

Clearly not much, considering his very shocked reaction when Celphi ends up demanding what he was supposed to think when his guardian/uncle kept ignoring him all the time while he was growing up.

And the boy is correct. Theo has no answer. He fucked up (again), and he didn’t know he was fucking up so hard.

But my god, he keeps trying to make up for it. It’s awkward and uncomfortable, but Theo shows up every day to pick him up from school with Perry; he’s even glad Celphi yells at him about killing Perry because that means he’s not turning out to be Therdeo 2.0. Celphi is expressing feelings and opinions and even if they turn the boy against him, so be it - at least it’s coming out. It may be too late for Theo to learn how to express emotions but at least his ward won’t make the same mistakes.

Which is why IT HURTS SO MUCH IN EPISODE 63 TO SEE HIM SO CRESTFALLEN. After suggesting to Perry she stay away from the Lapileon house for a while, she says she will and the dialogue translates to:

“Thank you for your kind consideration.”

THERE ARE THREE - T H R E E - PANELS where his face/expression isn’t shown at all but you can ABSOLUTELY TELL HE’S 360 DEGREES OF ANGUISHED.

This woman - this beacon of hope that he’s come to have feelings for (all the subtle blushing and unseen pining looks have been sprinkled very well throughout the chapters so far) - has just had to go through the ordeal of a trial (along with months of preparation before that) where she had to send her stepmother to 35 years of hard labour, among other things, for the murder of her father. She's just had to reconcile the mother she knew with the killer sitting in the dock, and the cries of a stepsister she once loved. And all this with the knowledge that it's the Lapileons’ blood that ultimately killed her father. There’s a stray thought that poisonous blood or no, her stepmother would have found some way to kill her dad.

But it doesn’t change how it was their blood - his blood - that killed Count Zahardt. It is Lapileon blood that has tortured Perry, the woman responsible for bringing out the best in his adopted son, discovering little Islette and bringing warmth back to this frozen wasteland of a household (to paraphrase Daniel Molton who is a treat of a character, I love him so much).

Yes, he's essentially thrown his immense resources into legal recourse, released her from their obligatory contract, and offered her help in being independent and free from them. He's done many, many things to try and make her current situation comfortable.

Yet the fact remains that she basically rescued so many parts of his life, and he inadvertently destroyed hers. Nothing he does will bring her father back.

Yet she won’t curse him or his family, won’t demand any form of recompense, won’t even give him the cold shoulder, despite everything in her that says she should. Her line “leave me be so I can resent you” is so good and so sad and my HEART disintegrated.

The most ironic thing is that Theo would’ve probably understood that reaction better. The justified reaction would have been to storm and rage at him. He knows what to do with anger.

Instead, she said thank you for your kind consideration.

And he can’t say anything to that as she walks away.

HIS LIFE HAS BEEN AND IS FUCKING SAD. AND IT’S GOING TO GET WORSE.

Episode 64 is already up on Naver and Dodolea is about to do a NUMBER on his ALREADY VERY FRAGILE PSYCHE. What she calls love - and what some of us may have suspected as straightforward obsession for his attentions - is seeming more and more like a love of torturing him, and watching him squirm.

He has to sit for a portrait in the palace (emperor’s orders probably because he just wants to jerk Theo’s chain around), and cannot escape when she comes into the room to sit and watch. There’s no good reason for him to leave, so he just has to grit his teeth and bear it.

And she laughs at his discomfort. She laughs and calls it “cute”.

The rage and fear in his face when she does so is alarming from someone whose poker face is usually immaculate. It sucks so much strength/spirit from him that it alarms Daniel who greets him at the house. I have a feeling that he’s about to just shatter into pieces since Episode 66′s thumbnail has him turned away, lying on a pillow. And then I will shatter, coz this dude CANNOT catch a break.

At some point, I came to the conclusion that Theo was soft-hearted and I cannot tell you when exactly that was. It's testament to how seungu weaves in his quiet charm throughout the chapters so we can see why Perry might possibly fall for him apart from his handsome face (even if at this point, that is the FURTHEST thing from her mind). There are huge things of course like rescuing her from her kidnapping and financing her legal battles.

But the little warm things speak volumes: learning how to dance so he could accompany her to a ball, saying yes immediately when she suggests maybe he could just reply to people, telling the servants to make her special tea when he found out she also had trouble sleeping, bringing a hot water pack(?) to ease her cramps, rushing back for her auction, squeezing her hand as he helps her into the carriage because that’s all he can do after the trial. (seungu did you also watch Pride and Prejudice (2005)? Did you see the hand flex scene and immediately decide to use this? Inquiring minds must know. Also inquiring minds screamed when they first saw that scene becausE HAND TOUCHES ARE GOLD BULLION IN SLOW BURNS) And just his face (?? back of his head?? seungu never gives us any idea what he looks like when he’s in ‘oops fell in love AGAIN’ mode)

BUT SOMEHOW YOU CAN JUST TELL:

They all tell the story of a broken man who has made so many mistakes, but he can be kind and attentive, and tries hard to do what’s right (even if it takes him awhile to figure out what’s right, coz again: he’s Fucked Up). He’s also a socially awkward dork who ignores people at parties coz he doesn't know how to behave as expected. And resembles a really sad puppy when he disappoints Perry.

I could speculate a lot more on what/who the fuck Dodolea actually is and how she’s related to the Lapileon’s curse, but I also know this manhwa has steered some distance away from the webnovel. So I cannot really tell if the plot lines will be similar.  

I’ll probably be back after the plot progresses further so I can scream some more. I’ve been shrieking on Twitter but that site is subject to a hungry ghost’s whims and I can’t hide spoilers/rambling behind cuts there. So here it will have to be.

Hang in there, your grace.