#i still remember how hard i cried when i found that suicide and suicidal thoughts aren't considered a 'sin' anymore

[kingslionheart]

thinking A LOT about the look on aaron's face as soon as he sees jack for the first time since his confession.

at first it seemed as if he felt safe, like he could be himself around her because she knew about his queerness and she, a priest, told him that it was fine, that he did nothing that the god he so desperately believes in would ever punish him for, then there's the moment when those first instances of safety end and are replaced by a sort of darkness that can be translated in the reminder of the guilt he lived in for most of his life, a guilt that can't be pushed down so easily and always comes back at full force.

THAT is the religious trauma experience, the terrible feeling of not being able to quiet down the words, the lies, you have heard your whole life, and that even if you know, even if a religious authority you value told you that it is not something that god would punish you for, you still have the belief you grew up with and that needs years and years to be destroyed, if it ever even cease to exist in the first place.

[collapsedglasshouses]

An Angel For Noah || Noah Sebastian x OC [Part 9]

DIVIDER ART WORK BY @cafekitsune

PAIRING: Noah Sebastian x Jules [she/her]

MASTERPOST

SUMMARY: Noah goes to extreme lengths to see Jules again.

WARNINGS: SERIOUS MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES, swearing, suicidal behaviour, mentions of alcohol consumption, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU'RE HAVING A HARD TIME WITH SAID TOPICS

A/N: I listened to Black Out Days by Phantogram on repeat while writing this and I cried. A lot. :)

TAGLIST: @trvshdxddy @blackveilomens @crimson-calligraphyx @measuredingold @cncohshit @signs-of-ill-portent @hi-fancy-seeing-you-here @ada-clarence @wild-child-7747

If you wanna be added to the taglist of this story, please DM me or let me know in the comments!

Keep in mind, this takes place in an alternative universe. Even though I write about real people, the way I write them has nothing to do with how they are in real life.

When Jules opened her eyes again, she found herself in that white room. Her heart sunk while tears were still running over her face. This was the moment. She would be banned into endless nothingness. Maybe she was sent to hell, if it even existed.

Right as she was about to panic, she felt a hand on her shoulder and abruptly turned around. Her panicked eyes met with Keaton's concerned ones.

"What's wrong?" He asked the girl as she tried to contain her breaths.

"Why are you here?" Jules wanted to know with widened eyes. "You were in trouble and even though you are dead, doesn't mean I'll not look after you when you need me to." Keaton gazed over her face.

Jules looked at him for a good second to try and read him. His face didn't change a bit, letting her come to the conclusion that he had no idea what was going on in the real world.

Jules took a deep breath and blinked a couple of times, before trying to form a sentence. "I just... Uhm- I needed a break."

She instantly knew that Keaton didn't believe a word that left her mouth. "Are you sure? You look like you cried."

When Jules didn't say a word for a solid minute, Keaton sighed. "I know it can be a lot."

Her shoulders relaxed at his empathetic tone. She felt bad for not telling Keaton what was going on, but she also knew she couldn't just bluntly tell him she had talked to Noah, who shouldn't even know she existed; let alone the confused feelings that mixed into the spectacle.

Jules took a couple of deep breaths, while trying to re-arrange her thoughts. She needed Keaton to give her an advice without telling him what chaos she created.

Keaton looked at Jules with understanding in his eyes, realizing she was struggling to find her words. After a moment of silence, he spoke gently, "Jules, it's okay to take a break from all of this, even if we're in this strange existence now. We all need some time to rest and gather ourselves. It's a part of life, or whatever you want to call it after life."

Jules nodded, grateful for his empathy and the absence of judgment.

Keaton continued, "But remember, there will always be challenges, even here. When they come, it's essential to face them. You're stronger than you think, and you can handle whatever comes your way. Don't shy away from the difficulties you'll encounter."

Jules found comfort in Keaton's words. Although she hadn't revealed the specifics of her recent experience with Noah, Keaton's advice seemed to apply to the unique situation she was navigating. She realized, in life or whatever came after, sometimes the best way forward was to confront the problems and challenges that surface.

"I just want him to be safe." Jules exclaimed quietly, while looking at the floor.

"I want Noah to be safe, too; and I know you'll do your utter best to keep it that way." Keaton reassured her and squeezed her arm.

With that the two left.

Noah felt empty. If he needed to describe it, Noah felt even more empty than before he met Jules. Knowing they had a couple of days off now, he allowed himself to let loose a bit. He hadn't drank a single sip of alcohol since the night he was saved by Jules, but right now he felt like he wouldn't survive his thoughts if he stayed sober.

He ordered a beer. The familiar chatter and laughter of the guests at the bar they went to, echoed around him.

As he sat at the bar, lost in his thoughts, Ruffilo, took the seat beside him. Nick's eyes held genuine concern as he asked, "Hey, Noah, are you okay? The show tonight was incredible, wasn't it?"

Noah shrugged, not wanting to accidentally reveal the strange situation he was going through. He couldn't risk telling Nick something he wasn't supposed to.

His best friend quickly picked up on Noah's desire to be alone. He gave him a comforting side hug, before getting up from his spot and leaving Noah to his own thoughts.

Alone, Noah contemplated how to make his cruel situation better. Filled with uncertainty and conflicting emotions, he ordered another drink, hoping to find solace in the comforting embrace of alcohol.

His vision became blurry with time. He didn't even try to focus on anything anymore. His head was buzzing. Everything felt like it was clouded. But his mind. His mind still didn't relax.

Jules.

Everything he could think about was her. Slowly but surely, he began to find himself ridiculous. Never in his life had he behaved like this when it came to a girl. Even if it wasn't just a girl, but his fucking guardian angel, he felt this thing he couldn't quite describe. He didn't know if it was of romantic nature or just the fact that he was blown of his chair about the fact that something like guardian angels really existed.

He didn't remember how many beers he had drank, but when he stumbled into his hotel room, he was more than just a little tipsy. He was angry. Angry with himself for not being able to let go for a second. Angry with the world for putting him in situations like this. Angry at Jules for leaving so abruptly when he needed her.

He closed his eyes and leaned against the door. All he could think of, was, how he felt when Jules hugged him. He felt like someone had broken his heart in a million pieces even though he didn't know Jules for longer than two hours. It was so dumb and yet he craved her touch, her presence, her voice. He craved her.

A drunken idea shot into his head, as he moved from the door.

"Jules?" He asked into the nothingness of his room, knowing damn well that she heard him. All he could hear was a quiet buzzing in his ears from the alcohol he had consumed.

He sighed. "I know you can fucking hear me."

Again he tried to recognize any shifts in the room. But nothing happened. It was just him, drunk and empty.

He felt like he had no other choice, when he opened his balcony door and stepped outside. The cold wind blew around him but he didn't care, to drunk to even recognize the almost freezing temperatures.

He leaned against the railing of the balcony and looked down. His room was on the third floor. It was high enough to give it another try.

"Jules?" He asked one more time, in hopes he would get the answer he needed desperately at the moment, but again... Nothing happened. Noah's vision became blurry from his anger at himself.

"You're giving me no other choice." He tried to convince himself and lifted one leg to step over the railing, like he already did before a couple of years ago; his hands gripping the metal tightly.

Right as he was about to lift his other leg, the atmosphere changed. Noah felt how goosebumps started to form on his arms, but not from the cold. It felt like a rush of warmth washed over him.

"If you even think about this for one second longer, I'll fucking push you off myself." He heard a female voice behind him speak.

Still hanging in his position, he swallowed hard. "Not really 'Guardian Angel-like' of you." - "Not really 'I'll take care of myself' of you."

Than there was silence for a second. Noah clung to the railing, still staring down at the concrete in front of the hotel, while one leg stood firmly on the floor of the balcony.

"Please, step back, Noah." Jules tried to talk to him calmly, while her heart was racing. She wondered if it was this feeling Keaton had felt right before she died.

"Will you go away, if I do so?" Noah said so quietly, Jules almost didn't catch it. It broke her heart to see him this way. She knew it took more than their encounter and the knowledge that they couldn't just be friends like normal people, to climb over a railing, but seeing him do this risky thing to get her back into his reality broke something inside of her.

"Don't do that to me, Noah." Jules rasped, her voice almost getting washed over by her upcoming tears. She barely knew this man, only being there for him for less than two months, but she knew she would die again if it meant that his soul would finally have some peace. "Please step back from that railing, Noah."

"Promise me, you won't go again." Noah demanded, hot tears streaming down his face as his hands got slightly sweaty.

"You know, I can't. We both know." Jules stuttered, stepping a small step towards Noah. "Please, Noah."

"Why should I listen to your pleadings when you can't even listen to mine?" Noah knew this wasn't about seeing Jules again anymore. It had stopped being about her, the second he looked over the railing. His head was killing him and he felt like hearing her voice was the only thing that took his mind of the other shit he felt.

Jules ears were ringing. She felt like her head was about to explode as she watched the man in front of him cling to the railing, his life literally depending on it. Her mind was racing. She felt like she was going to throw up. She needed to help him at all cost.

And suddenly.

She knew what would bring him out of his trance.

"Keaton wouldn't want that and you know it."

Noah looked away from the pathway and straight ahead. He couldn't believe what she just said.

"What?"

Jules didn't answer him, letting her sentence sit in a little longer. Noah turned his head, still remaining in his position, but he needed to make sure he heard Jules right.

"What did you just say?" He repeated himself, his tone a bit harsher than before. He couldn't fucking believe it.

"You heard what I said." Jules said, the tone of her voice also stronger than before.

Now Noah felt like he was going to throw up. He expected a lot but not hearing the name of one of his dearest friends. A loss he couldn't quite come to terms with. His tears became thicker. He knew she was right but why the hell did she talk about Keaton, yet alone know him.

He slightly flinched when he felt a warm hand on his arm. Only now he noticed he started shaking a little from the cold. He felt like his name washed the alcohol out of his system.

"Why the hell do you know Keaton?" Noah almost hissed at her, anger washing over him. She shouldn't have dragged Keaton into this.

"Why do you think I'm here?" Jules answered him, not letting go of his arm, in case he changed his mind. Noah turned a bit more in response to look her in the eyes. He felt how his fingers were freezing cold.

When he looked in her face, he realised she was also crying. He studied her face as he began to realise what she was trying to say with her sentence. His eyes widen slightly. "He was watching over me?"

Jules nodded. "And he also watched over me." She took a deep breath. "And all the people he loved."

Noah felt as if the ground was being pulled out from under his feet. One of his hands left the railing and clutched at Jules as he realised he couldn't take any more. He just grabbed Jules and clung to her like everything depended on it while his sobs broke out of him.

Jules gently led Noah away from the balcony's railing, guiding him a bit away. The tension that had gripped him began to subside as they settled on the cold floor of the balcony. He clung to her, seeking comfort in her presence.

They sat there together, the distant sounds of the city, the faint glow of the night sky and his soft sobs as their only companions. Jules listened as Noah's rapid breaths gradually slowed, his racing thoughts becoming more manageable.

As Noah began to regain his composure, Jules decided it was time to get him to bed. She helped him up, leading him to the room. Gently, she covered him with a blanket, ensuring he was warm and safe, both of them to exhausted to change him into different clothes.

But as she turned to leave, Noah's hand shot out and grabbed hers. "Please, don't go," he whispered, his voice filled with a vulnerability that tugged at her heart. "I'm sorry, Jules."

She sighed softly, squeezing his hand reassuringly. "We'll talk when you're clear-headed again," she promised. "Right now, you need rest." She pulled a chair next to his bed and settled into it, her eyes never leaving him. It was going to be a long night.

In the quiet of the room, with Noah's rhythmic breathing as the only sound, Jules sat watchful, her presence being a safe space for the troubled musician. The moonlight bathed the room in its soft glow, and despite the turmoil of the evening, their connection remained intact, unbreakable, and strangely comforting.

PART TEN

[quietly-by-myself]

A Wicked Work of Art - Chapter 8

Masterlist

CW: medical whump, trans whumpee, test subject whumpee, experiment whumpee, fantasy racism, dehumanization, fantasy whump, doctor carewhumper, carewhumper, suicidal whumpee, suicide attempt aftermath, overdose mention, suicidal ideation mention, discussion of noncon (not whump), violent/abusive relationships, brief mention of familial rejection around being trans

===

Akakios found himself very tired after the doctor left. He didn’t know what to make of the doctor anymore. The medicine wasn’t going to work. Who was the doctor kidding? Nothing would ever change his life. He would never be allowed to attempt suicide again. He would never be free, seen as human again. So, what would medication change? 

Those were the thoughts plaguing him as he sunk into the sleeping world.

There was Asimi, waiting for him, tears in their eyes.

Guilt overwhelmed Akakios. He couldn’t meet Asimi’s eyes. He expected them to berate him, to tell him how awful and selfish and abhorrent he was. Instead, Asimi just ran to him and hugged him tightly.

“I thought I was going to lose you.” Asimi’s voice was shaking, afraid. “I’m so glad that I didn’t.”

After a long period of silence, Akakios finally found his words. “Why, Asimi? Why did you possess me?”

Asimi pushed Akakios back a bit and put their hands on his shoulders. “I knew you couldn’t take that first experiment, Aka. I just, I panicked. I wanted to save you from that. I forget how much weaker your body is than mine, even with my influence.”

Akakios looked away. “He really hurt me.”

“I never expected him to.”

“Why not?”

Asimi went quiet. “When you’ve been around long enough, Aka, people rarely catch you off guard, but that doesn’t mean that it never happens.”

Akakios considered Asimi for a while. “I really do love you, Asimi. You know… the way that we do.”

Asimi nodded. “I didn’t know that one could love a friend without romance before you, my dear Aka.”

Akakios felt something in his heart that was part longing and part guilt. What was wrong with him? How could he have forgotten how much Asimi meant to him? How much he meant to them?

They shared a dream - a world where the two of them could live in peace together, as something more than friends, but not as lovers or romantic partners. It felt like a pipe dream. That world could never be. However, did that mean that he had to give up hope? Give up on himself?

It all felt so small, his reasons for dying, now that he thought about them with Asimi there. After all, times could be hard, but he knew that they could get better. After all, he’d lived all those years pretending to be a woman. He’d put on a good show for his mother and father, who, though he loved dearly, would never accept this new him. They would never accept the man who never wanted to wed. 

And he’d survived Constantine. He’d actually survived. The worst, everything he’d feared - losing total control over his body - had happened and he’d fucking survived. He still didn’t have control, but he was still alive, wasn’t he? Even when he’d tried to take back control by ending his life.

Asimi smiled a little. “You’re so strong, my love. We can make it through this. The world we want will be ours, one way or another. But it will not be achieved through death. I am here forever. If you die, we will be apart forever.”

He’d hurt Asimi and they still had the strength to love him.

“I’m so sorry, Asimi.”

“You have nothing to be forgiven for, Aka, my love.”

Akakios found tears in his eyes and embraced Asimi again. Asimi held him, long in fast in their arms as Akakios cried all the tears he couldn’t in the world of the living.

—

Vasiliki didn’t sleep when he returned home. Instead, he found himself at the phone, carefully considering the phone call he was about to make.

Did he really want to do what he was about to do?

Vasiliki picked up the phone and dialed the all-too familiar phone number. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d actually wanted to call someone for something that wasn’t directly work-related.

Was this technically work related? Maybe. But, he felt like a ship in the middle of a hurricane and found himself longing, for the first time ever, to speak to someone.

It was early enough that his friend would be awake, but not early enough that he would be at work.

“Hello, this is Stergios speaking?”

“Stergios, it’s Vasiliki.”

“Vasiliki?” The surprise in Stergios’ voice was painfully obvious. “What are you doing calling me?”

“Do you have to go to work soon? It’s kind of a long story.”

“No, I don’t work. It’s a Saturday.” The concern came next. It almost made Vasiliki flinch. “What’s up?”

“Well, something came up at work.” Vasiliki took a seat next to the receiver and pressed his nose bridge. “I got a new patient and I decided to keep him.”

The silence on the other end of the receiver was painful. “I don’t want to hear about your work unless it’s important. You know I don’t like the way you guys operate at the Facility.”

“I know, I know. That’s why I’m coming to you for advice.” Vasiliki groaned. “He attempted suicide last night. I had to stay up with him doing an observation. Kid cried himself to sleep. I just, I can’t deal with this shit anymore.”

“It reminds you of your early days, right?” Suddenly, the voice that had been hostile was caring and soft.

“Yeah, twenty fucking patients and no time to properly care for any of them. I just started having them all restrained after I lost those three that week. And again, this only happened because he was left unrestrained. I’d forgotten to give him his testosterone shot, ‘cause he’s trans, and found him OD’ing on a bottle of pills I’d forgotten about.”

“Well, then, why call me? I’m always happy to listen to you, Vasil. You know that. But you never call.”

“I know I’m doing something wrong by doing what I’m doing. I’m ashamed that it’s taken me a hundred fucking years and four suicides, only one of which I was able to save, to make me realize it, but fuck. I feel like shit.”

The other line was silent for a long time. Vasiliki knew his admission could easily get him fired, but he didn’t care. Stergios wouldn’t tell anyone. He was sure of it. After all, they’d known each other since they were kids. If Stergios was going to betray him, it would’ve been a long time ago.

“What… what changed?”

“Fucking Constantine. And,” Vasiliki found tears in his eyes as he continued speaking. It was the first time that the words he was about to utter had ever left his lips. “You know that boyfriend I had ten years ago? The one named Giannis?”

“Yeah, I remember him. He was a real shit head.”

“Yeah,” Vasiliki broke down crying, unable to hold back the sobs. “He raped me. It was only once and he broke up with me the next day. But, fuck.”

Vasiliki found himself unable to talk.

“It’s okay, Vasil. I believe you. That must’ve been awful.”

“It was. After that, well, I’m naive as shit, but I could only work with Constantine because he didn’t do that to his subjects. But he did that to this kid and then he attempted suicide and I tried to be the doctor, the scientist, but I just can’t anymore.”

Again, Vasiliki found himself unable to talk over the tears. The guilt - both of his own experience and of Aka’s experiences - overwhelmed him.

“How about I come over, Vasil? I want to be there for you. I don’t want you to be alone going through this.”

Vasiliki nodded, but realized that Stergios couldn’t see that through the phone, so he whimpered that he would be happy to have Stergios over, but that all his food was rotten. Stergios simply said he would bring something fresh for them to eat and hung up.

And so, Vasiliki sat in wait for his friend to arrive, bawling his eyes out like he never had before. At least, at least, someone was coming to see him. Somehow, for the first time, that thought made him feel better.

===

Tags(always open): @i-can-even-burn-salad, @whumpsday, @pigeonwhumps, @oddsconvert, @pumpkin-spice-whump, @just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi, @writereleaserepeat, @just-a-silly-little-whumper, @sparrowsage, @inscrutable-shadow, @whumplr-reader, @whumpycries, @demondamage, @whumpshaped

[ninja-go-to-therapy]

The Next Step

Happy four years of Damagemas!

Summary: Cole just wants to get better. But it's easier said than done.

Trigger Warnings: mentioned attempted suicide, pet whump, dehumanization, past abuse, trauma, stockholm syndrome

820 words

Against all odds, time kept moving forward. Even when he… when Cole felt like it never would again. Like time would stop, and everything was stagnant forever.

Somehow, it never stayed like that. He was never alone for long. 

The others didn’t trust him not to try and throw himself off the roof again, he guessed. Not that he could blame them. Sometimes he found himself really considering it. 

It was all just so much. It had been a month since he’d begun to remember himself. A month since he’d finally admitted that he wanted to get better. He did. He really did.

But god, it was so hard. How was he supposed to just exist for himself again when the last year had taught him just the opposite? He’d been forced to live for one thing, and it certainly hadn’t been for himself. 

Learning had been hard. But the unlearning would be so much worse. 

Because now he had an audience. He had people who could see what he had become. His family, who looked at him like he was fragile enough to shatter at any second. Not that they were wrong. 

He’d used to be solid rock. Strong and sure of himself. But now he was practically untethered, never farther from the source of himself. 

How was he supposed to get back? How was he supposed to get them to stop looking at him with such deep pity?

“Cole?”

What if he couldn’t be fixed? What if Master had been right, what if he really was meant to be nothing more than a—

“Cole.” Zane’s voice was firm this time, demanding enough attention for Cole to finally snap out of his quickly spiraling thoughts.

“Huh?” He managed, staring back at his brother, disoriented. 

“Your heartbeat is spiking,” he informed, gentler now. “Would you like to try some of those breathing exercises again? Perhaps it would help to calm you down.” He reached out, moving to put a hand on top of his own.

Cole snatched his hand away. “No,” he said, crossing his arms like a barrier, “I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?”

Of all the questions that would make him snap, that shouldn’t have been one. And yet…

“Am I s—? Yes, Zane, I’m sure. Why wouldn’t I be fine? I remember everything now, don’t I?”

“Well, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you won’t be experiencing some negative—”

“Negative? No, no, everything is just perfect.” He said, rising in volume. “I’m home. I’ve been home for nearly three months, and I’m—” his voice cracked. “I’m still…” he couldn’t do this. Who was he kidding? “I’m still not better,” he mumbled, giving up on a fit. Of course he wasn’t going to get better. He’d been reshaped from the inside out. Of course he could never be put back to how he was supposed to be.

“Nothing is working,” he admitted, a new wave of despair propelling him to stand abruptly and begin to pace around the coffee table they’d settled in front of. “It’s been months, Zane, and I’m still — still like this. What’s the point? Nothing is working. Nothing — nothing is working,” he cried, angrily wiping tears away. “Why can’t I just get better?”

Zane slowly rose to meet him, taking his shaking hands. “Cole,” he said softly, “you’re being too hard on yourself. What you went through was… deeply traumatic. But the progress you’ve made since we found you has been exceptional. Recovering your repressed memories was no easy task. You’ve been improving far quicker than anyone could have even predicted.”

It didn’t feel true in the slightest, but he knew Zane was right. “But what if I—” he struggled, pulling away. “What if I’m never the same as I… used to be?”

Zane considered him for a moment. “Maybe you won’t be.” He sat back on the couch, beckoning Cole to follow. “When I first discovered who I truly was,” he began, “and I regained my memories of my father… it was hard. I knew I would never again be the person my memories told me I had once been.”

He put his head in his hands, miserable. “It’s not the same thing.”

“It is not,” he amended. “But what I am trying to say is that… our experiences shape us. But they do not have to define us.”

He slowly looked up, vision blurred with tears. “But what if this does?” He croaked, “What if I — what if I can’t ever move past this?”

“I believe you will. Not only are you stronger than you’re giving yourself credit for, but… you are not facing this alone, brother. We will be with you every step of the way.”

He didn’t know how to say that that was part of the problem. 

At that moment, Kai poked his head in. “Uh, hey guys? The lawyer’s here.” The pit in his chest sank deeper than ever. Shit.

[skzdarlings]

Hey Darling ♡

After long consideration I decided to finally write you this message. It will probably be really long and you don't have to answer it! I just want to let you know a few things:

I came across your account a few months ago when you released the first chapters of the 'sharing a bed' series. I was immediately impressed! You are so talented and it may sound stupid but I can 'feel' how much thoughts and love you put in your works.

TW: depression and suicidal thoughts

I also found your account when I was at a very difficult time in my life. After four years of therapy (depression) I tried to get my life back. I've managed to get a part time job but I quickly realized that it exhausts me too much and makes my symptoms worse. But I didn't want to admit that it's only worsening my depression so I didn't stop. And I remember a time when I was at work on the toilet having a panic attack and thinking about ending things. It sounds super cliché but at that moment I got a notification that you postet a new bodyguard Felix chapter. And suddenly my thoughts went like 'I will never know how your bodyguard story ends if I give up now'. Don't get me wrong, I have other 'things' that give me strengh to continue (family) but on that day, it was you and your amazing story that pushed my dark thoughts away. And I really want to thank you for this ♡

I also remember the night you released that one chapter where the main lead had to say goodbye to Jisung because she wanted him to be safe... I cried. You can't imagine how thankful I was to finally cry again. I couldn't cry in a long time no matter what I tried. After your story basically forced me to cry I could let everything out. And even though my head was exploding afterwards, it felt so good. Thanks to you I also realized that I can still feel emotions because at that time I felt like all my emotions were just gone. When I think about this time I also realize that this chapter made me more excited and happy than the SKZ comeback. So again, thank you so much.

A lot of stuff happened, my whole situation got worse and at some point I decided to go back to a familiar psychiatric ward to get some help. I'm in there since August now and last week they started to treat my depression with ketamine. It's super exhausting but maybe it will get better!

I didn't want to write this message for you to feel sorry for me or feel preassured to write more. I wanted to tell you that your stories have a positive impact on others! Before depression hit me like a train I wrote my own fanfictions. I never posted them but I loved writing them. You are such an inspiration to finally start writing again. It's still exhausting as I'm not able to concentrate for too long but it gives me so much joy. Your stories and the effort and love you put in them gives me so much motivation and I can't say this enough but I'm so thankful for everything you and your stories gave me over the past few months! Thank you so so much ♡

P.S I can't wait to read the last chapter from the bodyguard fic! I'm such a big fan and even though I'm really sad that it's the last one I can't wait to read what you've planned for the end. But no preassure! Take all the time you need ♡

I assume this is okay to post because it's anonymous, that way I can reply haha but let me know if you want me to private this at any time! <3

But oh my goodness, such a thoughtful message took so much heart to write and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you taking the time and effort to do so. I don't even think I can formulate a good response that it deserves! But please know how much you have touched me in return. I have personally lived with similar things, though I find it hard to talk about so I really do respect and appreciate you doing so here.

I also understand what you mean about something like a story update being one of the things to hold onto for a while. i think the small things can make a difference and there's nothing wrong with that. It's nice to think there are other small things waiting around the corner that you might not even know exist yet, but they will also add to good moments too.

I wish you so so much love, really and truly. I hope you find some help and relief with these new treatments. Thank you for reading and again thank you for messaging. All the best!!

<333

[thousand-winters]

For the toh asks, 3, 6, 7, 12!!

Hey there 💕

3. Favorite episode? Why? Ramble as much as you'd like.

Man, this one's really hard because TOH has SUCH good episodes, but I'm going to have to go with what I believe is ultimately the popular answer and say Hollow Mind.

It's just so well done, it's been said again and again but the way they make the reveal of past foreshadowing (Belos being Philip Wittebane, Hunter being a grimwalker) is SO good. Even if you knew or strongly suspected, the way they do it makes it so the impact is perfect, both on the plot going forward and the emotional impact it has on the characters as well (like even if Luz doesn't immediately crumble like Hunter does, you can tell it gets to her and it starts building up overtime until it gets to her being full of guilt and straight up suicidal which... uh oh).

The way they make use of established lore with the mindscape, the foreshadowing and more lore we get for the future (wooo for Wittebanes lore but rip for Flapjack) is just so damn cool. Even while filled with dread while watching, the episode is just so engaging to watch that you can get pretty much focused on it during rewatches as well.

Plus, when it comes to more self-indulgent feelings, Hunter finally getting out from the castle and away from Belos + the papa wold Dadrius moment are just too good for me not to enjoy it. Oh! And on that note, Hunter straight up having a panic attack when they got out of the mindscape also was 10/10 for me, because I'm just not used to media addressing how traumatizing some situations can be for the characters, ngl, I was SO happy to see it and even happier when it continued in Labyrinth Runners, as weird as it sounds.

6. A character you didn't expect to love? What made you start liking them?

Not in a dislike sense at all, but definitely Darius lmao.

I vaguely remember seeing him for the first time and thinking "oh, he's so fun, he has such a cool design as well, and his voice is pretty, it's a shame he's a villain. Anyway-" and just continuing being invested in the Raeda disaster happening right there.

Truly I also found his abomination transformation the coolest thing I've ever seen, but in my mind it was like "we're surely not seeing much of him, oh, well" (which is sadly true, but not in the way I thought), so with such an "unimportant" character, there was no way for me to get invested or love him, right?

WRONG. Dadrius attack.

Listen. Listen. I liked him as a character but not so much as a person, I suppose, though again I never hated him because there was just so little of him for that to happen. But then Any Sport in a Storm happened and watching him doing the Head Chop™️ to Hunter was like "god, I hope this doesn't awaken anything in me".

I think from that moment I started toying with the possibility of him adopting Hunter because I was desperate so it was half joking, half serious and as such, I started thinking more about him as well, which eventually ended up with me and my thousand headcanons and theories about him, his backstory and such. As it happens when you're a Darius fan, it's rough out here.

7. Has the show ever made you cry? What scene(s)?

I cry. so much.

So TOH absolutely got to me. I think the first scene that got to me was the one that gets to everyone, Eda thanking Luz for being in her life and telling her goodbye before transforming into the Owl Beast.

And then you know, Season 2 is life ruining /lh.

So I cried in Separate Tides in the same part Luz wants to cry lmao, I cried in Eda's Requiem, I cried in Reaching Out, I cried in O Titan, I cried in King's Tide.

Shoutout to me crying also at Hunter talking about being unable to trust himself in Labyrinth Runners, and I still can't watch Keeping Up A-fear-ances without crying, that one's hitting a little too close to home for comfort, frankly lmao.

I think the rest is also very predictable, Thanks to Them when Flapjack died, For the Future during Camila and Luz's conversation and Watching and Dreaming when Luz dies and pretty much the whole scene with the Owl Trio fighting together, plus the ending. Like I said, I cry a lot.

12. What do you consider the most memorable scene? Why?

Another hard one.

Objectively speaking, I feel like there are two super memorable scenes: The repetition of Luz's speech about "I'm the good witch!" through the show and the way it gets recontextualized each time, from it being just kinda silly and about her using it as escapism a little bit, to her using it to reclaim her belonging to the two worlds she chose for herself and her identity as part of them with all the people she loves.

I would call that one probably the most memorable one. I think the other that everyone remembers, which is why I would say it's memorable as well, is Eda telling Luz the whole thing about how everyone was to be chosen, but if one just waited for that, they'd die waiting, that you have to choose yourself. Even more memorable since it came back during Watching and Dreaming.

Personally, definitely less sweet and less overall plot important, but a scene that haunts me forever and ever is the palisman souls in Belos' Mind finally reaching Luz and Hunter and the reveal that they're palisman souls in the first place: It's so damn chilling when they start talking with the whole "danger! get away from him! run!". Just... holy shit. Okay, that makes me one to cry too, we have established I'm a crybaby ajsfjsdg

I'm just... the amount of compassion for them to be suffering like that and to go "this happened to us, he killed us, please, get away, we don't want him to kill you too, we don't want you to suffer too", especially considering that Hunter had accidentally contributed in some of those deaths. I'm gonna go cry some more, actually, bye asfhsdg

Thanks for the questions 💗

From this ask meme

[iamafanofcartoons]

I have become no better

Inspired by @saintoflostmonsters who thought about Mercury and Oscar.

“Whap!” Whap!” “Whap!”

The blows striking out in Anger in Salem’s torture chamber rang out , matched only by the cries of a child.

Hazel roared at he lashed out at Ozpin’s newest vessel, a young boy.

From the hallway outside Mercury Black observed.

Thanks to Cinder’s faction, he had gained new legs and allowed him to fight on par with many huntsmen with their hyped-up semblances.

But he had no idea just far he had gotten himself into, only that trying to get out would not get him anywhere.

And yet...this boy...

Flashbacks appeared in his head...memories of his own childhood, of an abusive father who would strike him for any reason, who would blame him for any reason.

Mercury had fought back after he had enough...killed his father. But while he hadn’t gotten his semblance back, he had gotten strength. 

But at what cost?

“You...don’t have...to do this Hazel...” The boy, not Ozpin, but the boy rasped through broken bones.

Merc’s eyes widened. Even after everything, this boy was still trying to reason with Hazel?

Hazel stood, glaring angrily. “This isn’t about me, Boy...this is all for my sister.”

Mercury had enough.

“Cut the bullshit, big guy, we didn’t join Salem to be hypocrites”

Two pairs of eyes snapped towards Mercury walking plain view.

The boy coughed “You’re...you’re Mercury...I remember, you from Haven”

Mercury approached him, sneering. “Yep....nice to meet ya, Ozpin”

“Os...car!” The boy hacked up blood through a lung. “My name is Oscar Pines.”

“And you’re also an idiot” Mercury said calmly.

“I..had a choice to make” Oscar responded with a glare.

“To reveal your first and last name?” 

Oscar’s eyes narrowed. “What do you mean?”

Mercury bent down to Oscar. “The fact that you came to Haven so soon would mean you’re from Mistral. And you gave us your name. Now how hard would it be if, given a slight delay, we paid a visit to Mistral and found some of your relatives to torture to force you to crack?”

Oscar’s eyes widened. “You wouldn’t!”

Mercury shook his head. “Not my call to make. Its Salem’s.”

“Mercury, that’s not...” Hazel tried to stop him.

“Not what!” Mercury turned around on the giant man.

“Look at you! You keep spouting about how everything is for your sister! That’s bullshit! You’re torturing a kid with the same passion as my alcoholic father who beat me everyday and every night! This is how you show affection to your family? The only difference between you and Dad is that you don’t drink, but you certainly act like an assassin!”

Hazel grabbed Mercury by the shoulders and lifted him up into the air.

“Gretchen was manipulated by Ozpin into dying for his cause! I tried fighting Ozpin’s cause, and found the truth, that Salem CANNOT be killed! I fought her for a whole day! 2 hours was the most I was able to stop her.”

“That’s...certainly more than me”

Both agents turned their heads back to Oscar, whose eyes now glowed.

“Ozpin...” Hazel growled.

“Did Salem tell you that my soul is forced to merge with like-minded people, but never by my choice?” Ozpin glared at the two killers.

“I am the reason for Salem, because I provoked her hate by choosing the mission of the Gods over my love for her.”

“And what mission do you have exactly?” Mercury smirked... “let me guess, a Judgement Day, maybe?” Ozpin began to open his mouth, then started gasping. The glow vanished from his eyes, replaced by Oscar’s.

“Judgement Day comes when the four relics are united”

Hazel was startled. “Gathering the four relics is supposed to allow the Gatherer to change the planet. Its the only way to ensure that there would no longer be a need for Huntsmen!”

Oscar smiled bitterly. “What Salem told you was the same that Ozpin told everyone else ...a half-lie. If Humans and faunus are divided when the four relics are gathered, the Gods will return and smite everyone...including Salem. One big suicide”

“And if humans and faunus are united, as in everyone singing Kumbaya?” Mercury demanded?

Oscar shook his head sadly. “That’s why Ozpin withheld the truth. Try as he might, he was never able to succeed...Your group saw to that. The Relic of Knowledge shared that info with Ozpin’s allies...and they lost faith in him. I suppose Raven Branwen figured out the truth that Salem couldn’t be killed. Maybe that’s why she fled...she was worried that she might end up like Gretchen...giving her life to keep Salem at bay, rather than give in and let Salem win.”

Mercury and Hazel were silent.

“Let’s say that all of this is true,” a new voice spoke up as Emerald Sustrai joined the conversation. “How can you prove to us that Salem has been lying, and seeks genocide?”

Oscar gave a pained expression. “Ozpin, please...trust me just this once.”

After a few moments, Oscar’s breathing became normal.

“Ozpin won’t give you the password to the relic, but I will”

“Why?” Hazel demanded.

“Just because share Ozpin’s values, does not mean I am Ozpin...not yet” Oscar responded fiercely.

“And I am going to put the trust in all of you that neither Salem nor Ozpin did”.

Emerald gritted her hands. “Guys?”

Mercury was silent for a moment. “Salem won’t be happy if we find out the truth”

“No,” Hazel acknowledged “But if she’s lying, just like Ozpin, then I have to make a choice of my own”

Hazel freed Oscar from his shackles and looked at the boy in the eye.

“No more Gretchen’s, Boy”

Oscar’s eyes widened. Then he nodded. “No more meaningless sacrifices. We’ve both got people to protect”

“Both” Hazel was confused.

Oscar smiled “You tried to protect them at Haven, didn’t you?”

Hazel startled, turning back to Emerald and Mercury, then reflecting with shock.

To everyone’s surprise, Hazel chuckled. “Gretchen , your big brother is such an idiot. But I’m going to do right this time”

Rising to his feet, Hazel approached the door.

“Well, let’s get some answers.”

The children smiled.

[whump-in-the-closet]

For the ask game you just reblogged, 10, 18, or 36 with a character of your choice!

thanks so much for the ask! (from this ask game) I used my character chiar because he always gets himself into situations like so

and for context it happens roughly sometime after this piece

masterlist.

10. left for dead

18. broken bones

36. creative restraints

cw: left for dead, broken fingers, trapped in a fishing net, implied beating, vague suicidal thoughts, magic system that manifests as a voice in the characters head, inhuman whumpee

***

“Leave him, he won’t last the night.”

The lamps reflected dully on the crowd of liquid shapes that had formed on the edge of the dock.

There were a few murmurs of dissent but one by one, the figures drifted off. With a parting kick at the limp shape on the ground, the last figure trailed off, dropping a blood-stained stick behind them. The wood creaked underneath their feet and then all was silent.

Wind blew up from the lake, whistling against the metalwork and piles of netting that lay discarded. Nothing moved. The shadows condensed around a net, receding and then growing larger like a small ocean onto themselves. Or like the shadows were breathing.

The net moved– not by a lot. But trapped inside it, Chiar stirred. He instantly regretted it. Moving was not optimal.

The wind brushed against his face, smacking him with the smell of fish and mud. Chiar gagged, only to regret doing that too.

There was no release from the aching pain that spread through every limb in his body. It hurt it hurt it hurt it hurt–

Pull it together.

He needed to move. He needed to leave the town before morning. He needed to pull it together or when they found him still alive, they might just throw him in the harbor.

You always get yourself into a mess. Should have listened to me and killed ‘em.

Chiar ignored the voice in his head and braced himself. He would have to sit up– despite the fact it felt like his entire right side had been beaten to a pulp. Oh, god, that was going to hurt. So, so, so bad. Why couldn’t he just stay on the ground? Yes, he was lying in his own blood and trapped in a net, but at least it was better than trying to move.

Even thinking about moving made him want to roll into the harbor anyway.

Shouldn’t have been so vulnerable. Should have attacked them first.

Shut up.

Was breathing supposed to hurt? He didn’t think it was, because he remembered breathing was fine just before the first of the oh-so-lovely-citizens had tried to bash his head in.

There had been so many.

You really should have killed them.

Ignoring the voice in his head was getting harder and harder by the second. Between the voice and the pain, it was hard to think clearly.

He needed to get up. That much he knew.

Chiar moved his left hand slightly to the side, the wood wet. Sticky. Probably from the blood he’d coughed up. He would need to check to see if he’d lost any teeth. Later. Not now. But that wasn’t too bad. Then, his right hand. And that was worse. He choked back a shout. A quick glance confirmed what he had feared– even in the darkness, he knew the bones weren't supposed to look like that. Fingers weren't supposed to be twisted and snapped.

Chiar looked away, staring up through the net. There were no stars, and the sky, cut up by the pieces of rope, was as dark as the lake.

How are you going to get out of this one?

Chiar slowly pulled his hand close to him. Even more slowly, he moved all his weight onto his left arm. Then, as quickly as possible, he pushed himself up. He cried out in pain before collapsing again, black dots swirling in his vision.

The weighted net should not have been that hard to throw off. But he could not manage it. The wind brushed against the cryptid’s face, but he could not feel it.

[actualsunflower]

I never really talked about my surgery besides posting my ‘I lived bitch’ post on some of my sm after my surgery. I guess I’m a bit more ready to talk about it now though. It’s long so it’s under the cut. I’m feeling emotional

tw for talk of suicide and self harm also

Coming up to my surgery was terrifying. My depression got so bad, so fast, so intensely especially up to the last few months. I was working full time hours, doing commissions on top, saving 600 or more from each of my $800 checks, all the while barely getting sleep and not making enough to pay for everything I needed. My pets both ended up needing expensive vet trips which bit into my savings. I wasn’t getting much traction with my posts because everyone on tumblr and discord hated me. I have almost no friends, I wasn’t active on social media, I had lost the huge support group I was with before this. I was so depressed I can’t even remember the year. I remember bits a pieces, I remember sobbing every time my roommate an I tried to leave the house because of my chest and the binder and the way my clothes fit, I remember being so embarrassed by my body AND the crying over it in a household that isn’t supportive at all. I remember being so suicidal that I’d take walks by myself and watch the train and the cars with an empty mind and a numb body wishing I had the strength to jump in front of them. I remember staying awake unable to sleep, falling asleep on calls at work from my exhaustion. I remember each month that went by it got worse and worse. I december, I started cutting again with whatever I could find, I would break wine glasses and use bent bottle caps, I don’t even know if it hurt more because I couldn’t feel it. It was easy to play off because of my iguana's claws. I would call place after place trying get somewhere to write me a psych letter saying I was clear to get surgery because of my diagnosed schizophrenia, but nowhere in town or out would help. It wasn’t until the week before my surgery that I FINALLY found someone who went out if their way on their day off to write me that letter. I wanted to feel relief but I still didn’t have a ride yet, I still didn’t have all the funds. I was close but not close enough. My tax return would cover the rest, and my caretaker and I were splitting the cost of travel and the hotel. My tax return didn’t come. I felt sick every day waiting. I had a horrible panic attack one morning after another failed call to get a letter and my roommate had to hold me until I fell asleep on the couch during our work hours and went back to work when I woke up saying my power went out. Then the week came and something incredible happened. Someone messaged me asking how much I still needed. From all my work and savings I still needed over 1k. They helped me with this. I had the letters, after lots of fighting with people in the house we finally got a ride, this I had thought was all I needed. I couldn’t even believe it. I thought they were lying and I felt so sick. I cried so hard. I’m so grateful and I think about it every single day and I’m not exaggerating. I promised to pay them back and as soon as I was working again I did, and I’m still working on some art for them too though I feel bad it’s been taking so long. The day finally came to leave. My pcp had written a psychical health approval and we faxed it over, but on the MORNING we were in the car, on the road about to get on the highway I got a call from my dr. saying she won’t actual clear me anymore until I got more bloodwork. We quickly went and got my blood drawn before getting back on the road to Seattle from southern Oregon. I got a call just outside Salem. My bloodwork came back saying I had a potassium deficiency and she wouldn’t clear me anymore for surgery. My ENTIRE surgery was paid in full, our hotel rooms were paid in full, my surgery was in 2 days. I was devastated and horrified, we called my surgeon’s office and my dr over and over, we stopped in salem and I picked up a prescription they called in and I bought a ton of food and drinks in the car that had a lot of potassium and I ate and drank nothing else for the next 2 days, she told me check again once we get to Seattle after taking it 2 twice a day. We went on through portland and vancouver, Ive been there enough times but I’m always in awe of the big buildings and intricate paintings and bridges. We stopped close to tacoma at some tiny little town to go to the bathroom, I bought some potassium drink that I chugged in the car. I can’t remember what it tastes like but I do remember seeing some crows chasing a raven while I was standing outside the car. Tacoma was scary. It looks gross, there was some big ass dome? The buildings were ugly and the highways were terrifying. I saw a ferrero rocher museum when we got stuck in the wrong lane and had to figure out how to get back on the highway. I saw multiple bald eagles, they were awesome, I love birds a lot. We made it to Seattle, it was gorgeous. I didn’t know the space needle was orange. Before we got into Seattle, we went past the SeaTac airport. It was terrifying. I had NEVER seen airplanes that big in my entire life. They don’t even look like theyre MOVING when they’re in the sky, it was the absolute strangest experience in my entire life, and still is. i live literally right next to an airport at home, and the biggest thing I’ve seen is when the Ospreys occasionally stop in, other wise it’s tiny little planes, shipping companies and Reach helicopters. Those passenger planes are SO MUCH BIGGER than Ospreys. We went into tunnels, huge overpasses, it was weird. Seattle is covered in plants, walls were covered in ivy and it dangled from overpasses, it was really awesome. Though the landscape, it’s all identical to oregon. It didn’t even feel like we left the state. That night after getting settled into the hotel, we had some issues with a super dirty room with no working electric so we had to get another room which thankfully they didn’t charge more for, we went to some stores for supplies we couldn’t fit in the prius. I brought Nick with me for comfort and my paras plush. I went to a world market for the first time in my entire life. I bought some lavender honey from Spain, and that exact mushroom mug you always see all over the internet from there and a cute Toro toy from target. I felt so horrible. I was going to kill myself the next morning I kept thinking. I was so sure. I felt delighted that I was going to. I was so, so sure I was going to. I was going to take a walk because our hotel was in a little area with a barnes and noble, a few other stores. I was just going to walk off and ‘get lost’. But I was just a bit happy that I finally got to see Seattle and the airport, see something things I’d never seen before and gone farther away from home I’d ever been. We went to bed, it was hard and uncomfortable but my meds knock me out anyway. In the morning, we struggled to find a place to even get bloodwork done in Lynwood, we didn’t know where to go and it was hard to find a place even after calling very place that came up when google searching. That morning, I took twice the amount of potassium I was told because I wanted to make absolutely sure that bloodwork came back because if it didn’t, all my money, hard work, will to live, everything would be gone and I would die. We had complications getting the papers faxed over through states. My dr had to come in on a weekend for it. I am so grateful for her for doing all that for me. The lady at the desk was an older Asian lady, and she was super patient with me during the whole frustrating process of getting the work faxed. After getting my blood drawn by her, we left to await the results. We went back to the hotel, and my roomate and I decided to take a short walk down to the barnes and noble. I bought a shadow in riverclan and leopardstar’s honor, and one other of the triple novella ones. I sat in the starbucks and read the entirely of the graphic novel waiting for that call. We called them, no response yet. We walked back to the hotel, when they called. I was cleared, she wrote the letter and faxed it to my surgeon, and my surgeon called me saying the anesthesia guy would call me about 8pm to prep me. I hugged my friend and felt like I was going to cry but I was just so overwhelmed I couldn’t. I waiting for the call, he was extremely nice, and answered all my questions and was very very thorough, dispelled a ton of misinformation I had heard and put a lot of my fears to rest. I went to bed, my surgery was at 6:30am and I needed to shower and scrub with an antibacterial brush before we left.  That morning we went in. They came out to the car and gave me and my friend a covid swab, which sucked ass. They called and told us to go in and meet them in the office. The entire building was made of glass, and I took a picture of the sunrise behind the glass building. We found the dingy stairs at the back of the fancy decorated building and took those because I was too scared to entire the elevator. I met the ladies in the room, we went back, they asked questions and drew all over my naked body with markers, I talked with the anesthesia guy again (he was an EXTREMELY tall older man who said he’d been doing this for 40 years.) I took a pregnancy test, then they had my roommate leave and took me to the operating room. I laid down on a weird bed, they put my legs on some weird thing that was alternating inflating and lifting my legs up. The anesthetist was asking me questions about my job while they prepped a ton of things that idk what any of it was. Then he stuck the IV in my hand, smacked it very hard, and the nurse put a mask on me and I was out in half a second. I started waking up still in the operating room. I was so delirious, but I could make out someone over me, and I asked? “*Friend?*” because I thought it was him but as my vision got better the lady laughed and said no. She was a short blonde white girl. My friend is taller and a Mexican dude. I really don’t know what I was thinking honestly but we both think it’s really funny still. I passed out again and when I woke up again I was in the waiting room and she was sitting next to me. I asked if I was at planned parenthood, I don’t really know why I thought I was there. She said no. I asked if I could drink caffeine and coffee, which she laughed and said yes. I was so tired and mumbling everything. I asked her how much weight I lost, she said 6 pounds. Apparently I took longer than normal to leave because I just kept going back to sleep. When I was up, the nurse told me “No peeking!!” about not moving or looking in my surgical binder. Eventually I was awake long enough and they put me in a wheelchair and down the elevator out to our car and we went back to the hotel. I barely slept that entire 9 days, it was crazy. Everyone kept saying you’d sleep so much, the whole time, but I just couldn’t it was loud, people were smoking in the building, the neighbors seem to live there in the hotel and they made some incredible smelling Indian food every single day. I took a picture of me with the HUGE surgical binder on in the mirror in the hotel room and posted it on social media saying ‘I lived bitch’ which prompted my brother to message me asking what happened as I hadn’t told a single person in my family what I was doing. My chest was so swollen that my collarbone was completely gone. I was being reminded every 6 hours to take medications, every morning and every night too. My next appointment came up, my first time seeing my chest. It was in Kirkland washington. The building was many stories, their was construction going on and it was very loud and shook everything, and we were underground. The elevator was strange and underground and worked backward, you had to press the buttons in the reverse order for them to work. I took the stairs instead, which was a very bad idea, but I was ok in the end and we made it to my appointment. She came in and took of my binder, i couldn’t stand up straight the nipple bolsters grossed me out so much. I couldnt move my arms and the penrose drains made my gag. I was very disappointed when I had to put the nasty looking binder back on for several more days. After the appointment we went back and my friend and his mom went to target for more supplies, and he bought me a ton of dinosaur toys I had been wanting and some other cool things for himself including a really neat rayquaza figure and some atla graphic novels and I bought a green shirt from target just to have a shirt I bought when I finally got surgery. My last appointment came up. We went to the appointment, at Carillon Point. I got the binder taken off, I got the bolsters removed and the drains taken out. Cutting the bolster stitches felt like nothing. The drains were the WEIRDEST THING I HAVE EVERRRRR EXPERIENCED. It didn’t hurt! But dear fucking GOD was it STRANGE. My nurse laughed and said everyone says that. She asked me how long I’ve been wanting this, and where we were from. She was shocked that my home town has less than 22k people and the biggest building is a 3 story bank. We went back outside, Carillon Point is a marina, and it was gorgeous, super clean, beautiful plants, an awesome view of Seattle over the water, a super cool nest where a bald eagle couple was sitting with each other (we got pics but they’re blurry lol). I got a coffee at the adorable fancy starbucks and we walked down to the floating docks. There were fancy cafes, a clothing shop, a salon and a restaurant, and a big bell and a clock that rang on the hour. It was cold and windy but very pretty. I saw a boat named “Her Idea”. I couldn’t even comprehend what I was feeling. i was wearing a jacket and shirt I’d worn for years before then. but it was different now. it just felt right. I wore that exact same jacket today. We took a few pics, then went back to the hotel. We had to leave the next day. When we got back to the hotel, my rm and I decided to walk to the bookstore again. Bad idea honestly because I was very dizzy and it made the swelling worse plus I still couldn’t really stand well. Next morning we packed up, I put my surgical binder back on and we drove all the way home, we took what google maps called a shortcut through a neighborhood that ended up taking up almost another hour, but it was ok because it was a very pretty neighborhood. We got home and I immediately took a shower and struggled to wash my hair but it felt so fucking good. I have completely forgotten the month of may. I can’t remember it at all. I just remember being annoyed about sleeping on my back since I’m a belly sleeper, and having to wear the binder to bed. Every day was weird, wearing clothes was weird but good. I love that green shirt I bought. I wear it all the time and it makes my chest look amazing. Life now is weird. I’m not suicidal at all anymore. It’s really weird. The feeling disappeared immediately. I don’t know what to do with my life. Not in the meme way but I really didnt think I’d make it this far. Now I’m here and I need to do something with myself. I’m still lonely all the time and I still have little to no friends. I want to make amends with some people an reach out more but the shame of my depression years holds me back. Some things that I never noticed before, some things that still make me feel that feeling:  Seat belts. Wind. Biting cold wind, the sweat, the heat, itchy stuff. The chest bowl? You know the spot right between the pecks and above the belly that dips and it’s there even though I’m fat and it wasn’t there when I had breasts. Shirts from the side. Buttoning and zipping clothing. Leaning over. Reaching things. Stretching. Hugs and chest bumps. Crossing my arms, reaching from side to side with no resistance. Water touching my entire chest in the shower. Clothing in new sizes and old clothes pilling up. Just everything now.

But honestly, the best part? Is that I don’t think about it. It’s never in my mind anymore unless it’s a happy thing. In general I don’t think about it and it’s amazing. All that pain and frustration is gone. And it’s weird. It’s amazing and I love it. I hate it and I’m confused. Life is amazing now but it feels weird and terrifying that I have to live it now. Life is POSSIBLE now. Every single day I think about the people who helped me. I earned about 85% of it, the rest was from the kindness of others and I can’t even begin to put into words the kindness and happiness and gratefulness I feel. I feel like I could never repay these people in a meaningful way for what they gave me. I have been passing on when I can and donating when I find the posts and have the money to pass this along and I plan on making more donations once I pay my current medical bill (it’s going to collections on December 11th if I don’t pay it off LOL) and I am just so humbled. I hope some day I can be the same beacon of hope to someone here that people were for me. I’m trying my best

Thanks for reading this far if you did. I just feel like there’s been so much on my mind lately and I’ve not really got many people to let it out to. Just know that I am so, so eternally grateful for the help and support and I am doing everything I can to pay it back and pay it forward, I’ve been making a huge effort to donate and share when I can and I really hope we as a community can keep this going because it truly helps and truly saves lives. I know it really did save my life, this surgery did and this incredible community did

[thepatronsaintoffarewells]

I lost ten people to suicides and overdoses before I turned 28, some I was closer with, others to a lesser degree, all that I wished that I had more time with. My sister had attempted. My mom had attempted. I had attempted. I had friends that were still using and lovers that made threats. It was very hard for me, at the time, to see a way through it all. I clung to my friends that remained. I wanted to erase all our collective grief and sadness. It felt like no one else wanted that, or no one else saw it like I did. It can be very hard, to love an unwell person so fiercely. It can be harder when that person is yourself.

There's a scene in a Robin Williams movie, What Dreams May Come, where his character journeys through the depths of hell to save his wife who had committed suicide. When he realizes that she won't leave on her own, he makes to stay there with her. I used to think that it was really beautiful to love someone like that. I think in my own life that I always wanted to be the kind of person who could stay and bear it. I didn't want to leave anyone alone. What I found in practice though, was that the more obstacles I cleared for a person, the more room they had to cause harm. They call it enabling, right? It went even further than that though. I wanted to experience it with them. I wanted to be able to let go and really feel things and maybe even wallow a bit. I wanted to get splitting drunk and numbingly high. I fantasized, sometimes, about being so awful that no one would miss me, like it would lessen the blow if I killed myself. But I'd feel so terrible and I could never really do it because I also wanted, so badly, to be loved.

I had a friend that I told everything to. We would go up to the bar and he would drink and I would spill my guts. We talked about really painful things like how when my ex had attempted after we broke up I was struck by the realization that I had never felt so loved. I told him I was suicidal. They say you're less likely to go through with it if you tell someone and I didn't really want to kill myself I just wanted everything else to quit. He cried into my hair after I drove him home that night saying over and over "I love you, please don't die." It's fucked, but it's one of my fondest memories from that point in my life.

I got my shit together, to a certain degree, by learning how to walk away and when to leave. There are a lot of people that I love or had loved that aren't in my life anymore. I had to learn how to let them go, how to say goodbye and be at peace with it. In the beginning, I didn't have a lot of choice in the matter. You make peace at the funeral or you don't. I got mixed up wanting to save people I had already lost by sacrificing my own happiness to the people that were still there. The thought of losing anyone else was unbearable, but I learned that leaving is more than just self preservation, it's a gift to both parties.

People will make their own decisions and possibly find their own happiness with or without you. It's not that you aren't responsible for them (you also aren't) it's that you don't have enough control in the outcome. Picture it like being a passenger in a car. Someone else has control of the wheel, the gas, and the breaks. You can direct them as much as you like, but it is their hands and their feet that are making the decisions. You can beg them to not crash the car, or you can get out of the car and hope they have enough sense on their own not to crash. If you, like me, have been in many metaphorical car crashes it's more than grief at that point. It's an injury. You wont find an end to your grief until you figure out how to tend to your wounds.

Because sometimes you are the driver and it's your own decisions that may cause you to crash. Somewhere in me is still the 21 year old that wanted to kill herself. Sometimes, if I'm not careful, she'll surface. I can't be mad at her for it, I remember the things she went through and the things she did to feel like she had any control. I didn't always love her, but I think I'm learning to now. More importantly, I've learned that it's okay to leave her alone. It's okay to grow beyond her instead of joining her. She did fine, she made it just enough to make room for the person I am today, and I think if she was really here, she would thank me. Her friend had told her that she needed to learn how to hold her own hand, how to be her own solace first. That advice got her through a lot, but I think I would tell her now that it's also okay to let go.

I know you might be in different place and that there may not be as much time and distance between the parts of yourself you haven't yet learned how to love. Maybe you're in danger of crashing your metaphorical car, or a part of you wishes for it. It doesn't make you a bad person. We are all made up of complex experiences and thoughts. The people that love you will give you the space to air the worst parts of yourself and they will be there when you are done. I know because I've done those things and I am still very much loved. I have been destitute. I have been a drunk and abused drugs. I have wanted my own death. I have loved people that did not deserve it and been treated badly for it. I have treated those that loved me badly. When I was going through it, I was unable to see a future in which it would ever end. I thought I would always be grieving, that I would always be lonely. But at the end of all of that there was always something more. My sisters had their babies. It was the perfect day outside. My nieces and nephews were growing like weeds. An old friend had reached out. I had people that loved me, that supported me whether or not I needed them to.

The thing that has taken me the longest time to learn is how to be supported and how to be loved. I had a friend who was once very good at saying the things I needed to hear. He called me out on all my bullshit and, more than that, his love was the scaffolding that helped me repair myself. He told me once that the only thing holding me back was me. I grappled with that for a long time and even as I began to understand it, I was still angry. I hated myself for it, and then finally I looked back at the root of who I was before the loss and the anger and the shame. I found the pieces of myself that I had buried in an attempt to protect them. I found a person in me I could love and I watered her like a seed. Somewhere in you is that same seed. We can water it ourselves, and sometimes if you let the right person in, they can water it too.

[msmental-madness]

Meltdown

**Potential trigger warning: Thoughts of self harm / suicide

To give you background first, my boyfriend, Gavin, and I have been together five years and we've been living together for almost five years. We had to go to couples' counseling a year or so ago because of how bad my mood swings were. He is very aware of all of my mental illnesses and I'm incredibly lucky he didn't leave me when I went to the outpatient program when we first started dating and when I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. He is a wonderful man most of the time, let me make that clear.

With that being said, I tried to explain BPD to him and asked for him to read up on it but there was some kind of disconnect in which he wasn't understanding of how sensitive I am. It's very frustrating to me because he will say shit such as "You're being dramatic." "You take things too personally". OMG it takes so much to hold in that Sicilian rage to not just put a hole through a wall.

The therapist did explain how much more sensitive we are to things, so I figured him hearing a professional confirm this would help so I wasn't deemed as "dramatic" or "faking" it and to also help him to be more understanding and patient with me. We both explained to him that I perceive things differently. I full heartedly admit I take everything personally. Perception is everything so I believe that if you know you're speaking with someone knowing how sensitive they are, you should be conscious on how you word what you're saying to avoid conflict. Is that too much to ask? Maybe. Maybe not. I'm the type of person who is too nice and does everything in my power to not make anyone feel as horrible as I do everyday.

Gavin is also aware of the mental and verbal abused I endured growing up and still continue to experience with my narcissistic Mom. We had gotten into an argument and because I was so riled up from being upset, I disassociated and I honestly can't remember what it was about exactly, but I know it was just a misunderstanding as usual. I had a manic episode yesterday to the extent that I was in hysterics and cried for almost an hour. I was so disoriented that I was thinking that today was the day, the day I finally end my life. The pain was so much that I didn't even care or worry about the pain or consequences.

The mental anguish was so strong and I could just hear my Mom's voice in my head telling me "You're worthless!" "You're so stupid!" Then my voice chimed in and went on about how much of a worthless piece of shit I am. That I can't do anything right. Why do I even bother trying? You're so stupid. In between gasps for air, I began to Google "quick and painless ways to kill yourself". The only thing I read that sounded reasonable was taking a lot of Nyquil. When I went back to the search engine, I came across an article pretty much saying "don't do it. you're loved." blah blah blah. Then the numbers for the suicide helpline appeared and I thought about calling them. I didn't because I didn't want to be a burden.

I just had constant thoughts of slitting my wrists (Never have and will never do that) and just dropping to the floor or ODing on meds (I did that once. Wouldn't recommend). I even thought about driving to a parking garage to try the carbon monoxide method but decided against that because I was too lazy to drive (ha!) Death just sounded so much better than being alive. To be honest, I think about dying every day. I don't think about killing myself every day, but I constantly ask "why can't I just die already?" Or I say "I wish I was dead." Most days, I think being dead would be a vacation compared to being on this Earth. Being dead would be easier than living this life. Just to be clear, I would never kill myself because I'm too scared to do it, I just think about it.

Anyway, I became so dehydrated from crying that I nearly fainted. Gavin found me and became frantic, asking "What's wrong?!" and kept hugging me. He tried so hard to console me and slow down my breathing to stop hyperventilating. Now, anyone who has ever hyperventilated knows that it's not just something you can easily stop and come back from. From my perspective, when it was taking me time to calm down, he seemed to become impatient with me because he said, "You're being dramatic. I'm going to leave the room and come back when you calm down." This made me burst into tears and start up again because it was so hurtful and insensitive to say, especially when I thought maybe he would have been understanding in that moment. I just don't understand how anyone could say that to another after seeing how hard they were crying just minutes ago.

It's frustrating because I needed someone there to just talk me down and tell me things are ok, to ride out the wave with me for however long it took. Maybe I'm the one who is selfish. Maybe I expect too much. My problem is that I expect people to act as how I would. I just know that if the roles were reversed, I would do my research as to how to console someone during an episode to avoid saying anything that can be thought of as insensitive.

Being in any type of relationship with a person who suffers from this disorder, romantically or not, requires a lot of patience and support. Please be that person. We don't want you to leave. We sincerely do not enjoy this life.

[puitik]

A letter to my friends

Hi friends,

If I sent you a link to this post, just know that you are a special person in my life and that’s why I feel the need to tell you this. A few days ago (28/09/2022), I finally got my official diagnosis from my psychiatrist, that is depression. Yeah, after years of doubting myself, I can finally say what I have is depression. I’ve always thought that my problems weren’t serious enough to call it as such but now here I am, taking antidepressants and having weekly therapy sessions. 

This may be confusing or you may not know how to react to this and that’s normal. I had once been the one who was lost when I had friends who expressed suicidal thoughts. Speaking of which, at this point you may be wondering if I ever had such thoughts. To be honest, I did have those thoughts and maybe still do feel that way. But rest assured, I will not go through any suicidal attempts because while I do not fear death (as in no longer existing), I do fear pain. 

So, when did this all start? I suspect it started from my poly years, back when I was overwhelmed with both school and CCA subcomm responsibilities. School started at 8 am in the morning and because of subcomm, I came back home at around 10 pm. I cried every night until I couldn’t take it anymore and that’s when I quit subcomm. 

But it didn’t end there, I never stopped crying. Sometimes, I don’t even know why I’m crying so hard. Sometimes, I have this sense of doom that I’m about to die. Those were probably panic attacks but I’m not sure. Some of you might know that I have a bad memory so I don’t remember much of my past but I found writings from secondary school that alluded to suicidal thoughts, which surprised me. Could it have started from that early? My childhood was quite turbulent though so it seems plausible. 

While I did experience low mood, crying and suicidal thoughts, I didn’t feel it was serious enough to warrant professional help so I endured it until I quit university last year. That was a wake-up call for me to seek help because I knew I couldn’t go on like this. Actually, I knew I was having difficulties with uni stuff in year 2 and asked my academic mentor for a LOA which was declined. Then it didn’t help that when I asked my mom for help and told her my thoughts about quitting uni year 2, she mentioned marriage and family’s honour etc. So I took an unofficial LOA by only taking 2 online modules and thought things were going well when I came back but nope. I was only avoiding the problem. That was when I decided to quit.

However, I’m thankful to have supportive friends who stayed by my side while I was going through all this. To the friend who saw my pain through my smile, thank you. To the friend who didn’t treat me like a failure, thank you. To the friend who’s still here, thank you. I have issues with my family but I know I scored it in the friendship department, even when I feel like I’m a shitty friend sometimes. 

If you’re wondering on what you should do after hearing this news, there’s nothing different. We can go about our usual meetups and maybe this time talk more about our mental health. And don’t be afraid to ask questions. Weirdly, there’s no such thing as an invasive question to me so feel free to ask about depression or my past etc. I would also love to hear more about your opinions on mental health or your own struggles, if you want to! 

Thank you for reading this whole ass essay. Love you all!

[arckyy]

Day 6

We talked on tele, Not very much though as you were invested in someone else. But i was there if you needed anything. Suddenly you opened up to me about your current situation. You felt lost. You felt empty. You felt betrayed. Everything you worked for in that, Was just gone in a blink of an eye. All because of a guy's desire that he cant control. I told you to tell me more about him. The more you tell me about him, The more things just dont sit in correctly. I knew a storm was about to come for you. I was praying hard that you dont do anything stupid. I kept talking to you to distract you from these feelings. But eventually, You said you wanted to be alone. I was at camp at that time when you said that. I remember how heartbroken i was to lose the girl version of me. I told you what ur feeling was temporary. Dont let it get to your head. But it still did and i felt empty. Not in control of doing someone you care about so much really fucking hurts and i was in that position. I quickly went back home and cried and cried thinking that i've lost you forever. But you came back shortly after. You came back when i was crying. It's like you knew that i wasnt feeling okay. I felt that. I pulled my big boy pants up and wiped away my tears and continued to talked to you. You started asking me if i cared for you. I told you yes but you said if i cared about you, Then i should leave you. I couldnt. I just couldnt. I told you i was gonna do anything for you but this wasnt it. I couldnt imagine my life without you. I mean, You're literally my mirror. My other half. How could i leave you alone like this. But you say that im like the rest. I say things that i dont mean. You told me no one means the things that they say to you. You told me that you're gonna stop replying. That you're tired of hearing lies. I told you words are just words at the end of the day but i'll show it to you. That was a promise. A promise i keep very close to my heart. You said that i'll find someone better, But nobody else was better in my eyes other than you. I told you before that you were every man's dream girl. Even if not, You were in my eyes. But you told me that it was super easy to disappear from me. I felt scared. I'm not one to be scared of things. I'm not scared of pretty anything. But this scares me the most. The thought of losing you. I just can't. I'd rather die than to see that happen. But you were thinking about suiciding. I was ready to dash from wherever i was to save you. I told you i was dying too, and you said let's go. It's like the perfect recipe for something but i just couldnt find the word in my head. I knew from there on, If you were gone, I'll be gone too. I cannot see my life without you so if you did something to yourself, That i was gonna do the same. I told you that you're loved and you told me it's lies. You told me it was all bullshit. You told me that you met me at the wrong time, But at that point i was willing to wait. There is nobody else i'd rather be with other than you. I'd rather wait than to lose you and start something new with someone different. You were perfect to me. Despite all of your flaws, I was ready. I was ready for all of it. On that same night, You were going to do drugs but got caught by your dad. I was scared because you told me some stuff about your family. I dont want to say it here because it's the internet. I wished i was there to stop you in time. I didnt want you to go through what i went through in the past with drugs. The first time you called me baby, I felt alive again. I was smiling so wide you dont even know and thinking of it now when im writing this, I've never smiled that wide before and it was funny hahahaha. But what caught my attention was when i told you that i was being chased by my own demons and you said you found me and we'll go through it together. At this point im thinking like, No way, No way this is real right? Like am i dreaming? No one has ever said that to me. Not even my ex when i was at my lowest.

During this time, I can't wait to meet you in person. Take you out on dates. Bringing you and your son out for a family day. Bring you somewhere with a view and when the moon is at its brightest, We have our heart to heart talks and kiss under the bright moonlight. I dreamt of this before. I didnt want to wake up from that dream but sadly, Reality kicked in. I woke up and you weren't beside me. I rolled over on my bed and texted you straight away and thank god you're there. We talked for awhile. I was glad that you were eating because you mentioned that you couldnt eat properly. You just had no appetite. The spamming of messages from you, I was super happy. You're finally opening up to me. My whole world just lit up again. It was a feeling that i didnt even get to feel 4 years ago. Our conversations just keep getting better and better. I didnt want to leave my house or talk to anyone. No matter how busy i was, I just learn to give everyone excuses just so i could talk to you and fully dedicate my time to you

[strawberry-cowmilk]

the flower of loneliness

-> brothers x Mc

a/n: I don't know how many of you guys listen to vocaloid, but this is based off of the songs Erica and Heath by Okame-P. My japanese is pretty rusty but I'm sure Erika is about a deceased person watching over their loved one, wishing for them to forget them so they can be happy again and Heath is from the alive person's perspective, who is obviously mourning. They are really pretty songs, I recommend listening to them! But have comfort items nearby.

Part 2 with side characters here.

Mc's gender is not mentioned and this is not proof read.

Content warnings: angst, death (Mc), mentions of forgetting, mourning, thoughts of suicide (Levi's part), not eating (Levi's and Beel's parts), vague lesson 5 spoilers (Beel's part), long sleep as escapism (Belphie's part)

-----

You had died. It was all do sudden to everyone. It was like one minute you were alive and well, and in the blink of an eye, you had vanished. Forever. It especially hit your partner hard, of course. Every time, when they visited your grave, or when you decided to watch over them for a while, you'd see him utterly broken by despair. It hurt to see, so much to the point you'd think he'd be better off if you didn't meet. It would be fine to you if he eventually forgot about the times you shared, just to see his smile again. And, even though you couldn't stand the thought, you knew one day you were going to forget him. The only way nobody would get hurt, is if you both forget the other.

A day before you had died, you had gifted him a bouquet of Erica flowers. The flowers were pretty much the only trace he had left of you now. If they were to wither, your last memory together would be erased, there would be nothing but loneliness left. That's why you hope somebody is listening to your prayers.

'Let us forget each other. It is fine with me.'

But you knew he would do anything to remember you.

Lucifer:

Lucifer still can't believe you're actually gone, reality hits him when he visits your grave.

There was this one chair he had in his room, specially decorated to your tastes. He didn't get rid of it. He didn't let anyone sit in it or touch it.

He did not get any paperwork done at all, he missed you too much to focus. The eldest brother would stare in front of him, hoping to see a glimpse of you. Diavolo had to hire new people to stand in.

The avatar of pride didn't cry when he found out. He bottled it up, until during one dinner he broke down. None of his brothers knew what to do.

The flowers. He took them to your grave, to plant them next to it.

Then, he came by every day to care for them. They must not wither.

Mammon

This man cried for 2 months straight. He was supposed to protect you, and he failed.

He stopped listening to the witches, nothing mattered to him anymore.

Mammon at first refused to see your grave, he could not bear it. About a week after your funeral, he snuck out of the house to visit it.

He was so in denial, he started calling out your name, hoping for a reply.

The demon proceeded to not leave the cemetery for the rest of the night, he wanted to stay with you. Lucifer had to search for him the next morning.

Mammon could not keep a plant alive for 2 minutes, but he did everything he could for the flowers to keep them alive.

A year after your passing, they were still in tact.

Leviathan

He did not want to be alive anymore, he wanted to see you again or be freed from the pain.

Levi was already a shut-in, but now he did not leave his room. Not even to eat or shower.

His brothers left food outside of the room for him, but he almost never ate it.

In his room, he did not leave the bed. He stopped playing games. He stopped watching anime.

Eventually, having noticed his owner's sadness, Henry the fish tried cheering the third born up in his own way.

The only thing that was stopping him from killing himself were the flowers.

He had submerged them under water, in Henry's tank, in the hopes of preserving them.

The flowers were the last trace of you Levi had.

Satan

Sometimes, when he is too deep in thought about the times you had and he snaps out of his daydream, he nearly wrecks the whole house.

Why were you taken from him so soon? It made him angry.

It was a different type of anger he usually felt though, it stemmed from sadness.

Satan always visited your grave alone, because he'd cry uncontrollably every time. And of course didn't want anyone else to see that.

Tried his ultimate hardest to find a way to bring you back, but those spells are really complicated. Even Solomon can't do them.

He dried some of the flowers and laminated them to use as a bookmark, as to preserve them, and to get a feeling that you're still there with him.

Asmodeus

He did not leave the house, he stopped posting things on Devilgram or any other platform. He was too busy crying over your death.

His brothers knew it was bad when he started neglecting his self-care routine.

Asmo was on his knees, begging Solomon, Diavolo, anyone really who could possibly bring you back, to do so almost every day.

When the especially bad months were over, Asmo went to Majolish to buy you a whole outfit you would love, and would go over to your grave to leave it there as a gift. It gave him the feeling that you were still alive in some way.

He turned the flowers into a perfume, but never used it. It sat on his bedside table, decorated with a pretty ribbon.

Beelzebub

He did not eat for a whole day. Beel couldn't bear to knowing you would never taste anything ever again. It didn't matter how much it hurt, the guilt was too much.

He had to go through the whole grief cycle again, and felt like it wouldn't end this time.

He would look at the stars, and wonder which one was you every time he visited your grave.

Beel would sometimes have full-on conversations with the tombstone, just to feel you next to him again.

He planted the flowers in the garden. The demon built a nice fence around the area and everything. Every day, he would water them. His little flower field was the only keepsake of you he had left.

Belphegor

Okay, that was it for him. He went to sleep and did not wake up for months.

In his dreams, he could see you and be with you. It was way better than reality.

Every time somebody woke him up, even if it was Beel, he'd get mad at them. How dare they strip him away from you in sleep again?

He didn't know how long he was sleeping for, but when he was finally ready to face life again, he saw the flowers were somehow alive and well.

Beel had taken care of them for him, he knew his twin would be sad if they died too.

[twistedoverbloat]

Tw: Attemped (but survived) suicide attempt by Yuu

Overblot character: I'LL KILL YOU

Yuu: God I wish you fucking would

Ace:

Deuce:

Jack: Yuu do you- do you need to talk?

Yuu, just bracing for an oncoming magic blast: No.

1st years: yuU NO-

Yuu probably does survive but they're still not okay at all. Please get them therapy also

TW: TALKS OF SUICIDE!! SUICIDE ATTEMPTS!! DARK HUMOR!! PLEASE READ WITH CATION YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!

I know I'm a goofy person but please. For everyone who has been self harming please contact The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. ect.

800-273-8255

Please try and speak with someone who will let you talk about your problems I know it seems hard too but talking about it sometimes makes it better and easier to not do it.

This Yuu worries a lot of people and I remember reading somewhere that death jokes are funny in Twisted Wonderland but they were taboo kinda?

But I feel like it goes like this:

(p.s. I found out I can only make the read more thing on a computer or I'm dumb and haven't figured it out on phone.)

Riddle's OB: When he made fun of their upbringing and family they stopped ace and told him that their family were pieces of shits and they even in courage them to try and kill them self. This Stunned Riddle but he still OB! When he was trying to crush people under the rose bushes they pushed Ace out the way for one and was almost hit if Trey didn't tackle them out of the way. They made a joke when riddle woke up that he would have done them a favor of killing them. He cried and begged them to not think like that.

Leona's OB: I feel like he could relate to being put done by everyone around him. When he OB they got Ruggie out the way and was touched by him they tried to get closer for another one but Ruggie got them out the way. When he came to he saw Yuu with the scars when asked why they jumped in they said they wanted to see if he could kill them. He went off on how they should never do that and they only shrugged. He makes sure to keep an eye on you.

Azul's OB: When he went off trying to take everyone's power he was shocked to see Yuu get close to him. The even jumped in front of a few people so their unique magic didn't get taken away. It worked and Yuu was kinda pissed it didn't kill them. Azul had a heart to heart. I feel like Azul had a harming though and probably had a eating disorder.

Jamil's OB: When they were captured in the room they threatened the guards they would slit their throat is not let out. They had the spoon so they made it sharp and Grim caught off guard screamed for them not to. They knocked out the guards and rushed out of Scaribia to Octavelle. When fighting him they got in front of Kalim since Jamil was about to hit him and they got knocked out and a scar from the snakes of his hair. Jamil got shocked and Kalim used this to defeat him. Jamil had a talk with Yuu about this.

In all the boys would try and help you with your self harming if you did do it there and also the dark thoughts that come with. During this the boys would educate themselves on how to help you not cut or anything but also try and see from your respective on why you do it. They will let you vent on why it started, they would help you get a therapist as well if needed.

With the death jokes some of them would be disturbed and try and not let you make them but some would make them with you.

[redrobin-detective]

Ben 10 lore that exists in my heart regardless of canon

- Ben’s personality in his mid-late teens is a mix of his Alien Force and Omniverse self. On the surface, he’s very cheerful and kind even if he is a bit of arrogant showoff. He makes jokes and plays around and acts as if he isn’t bothered by the things in his life. Those who know him best understand a good portion of his outward confidence and cockiness is just a facade to cover up his insecurities and to project the ideal, effortless hero. While sometimes seen as immature, most beings know Ben 10 means business as he takes his unofficial job and people’s safety very seriously. He’s clever, adaptable, charismatic and empathetic which makes him a formidable opponent and a loyal friend. Doesn’t open up easily but if you get to him, he become so dearly attached. 

- Drinks smoothies so much for several reasons. Comfort food go brrr, reminds him of the good easy times with him Gwen and Kev. It’s also a light but generally nutritous food to give him energy for heroing. Anything too heavy and he’ll be puking (both from physical and emotional stress). Though he jokes about his mom’s health foods, his are a crazy concoction of add in proteins and vitamins/minerals bc he knows he’ll out and out collapse without it. (Still has on occasion bc boy still doesn’t eat right/enough)

- While Fame is exciting for him at first he soon begins to detest it. Not the fans, no, he can’t bring himself to hate the people who look up to him. But he hates the constant attention, that he can’t walk outside without being mobbed. the only place he feels safe is his hometown where most people are so used to him and his weirdness that they don’t react much anymore. Takes to wearing a cape and face shield when going out anywhere so he can actually get things done without being recognized and mobbed.

- Part of the reason Bellwood isn’t concerned with Ben is partially because ben’s been weird and alien for as long as they can remember but also many don’t realize how famous/powerful he is. Yeah that’s just Ben Tennyson over there, sometimes he turns into funny creatures- wait what do you MEAN he’s the savior of the universe?? He cried over a spilled smoothie the other day.

- Does mostly online schooling by the time he’s 15. At first he tries to do half day things to maintain something of a normal life but it quickly becomes overwhelming and dangerous him/the school. Finishes his GED early but the Plumbers and Azmuth make him take additional college level and alien courses to prepare him for his future role. Ben gripes but really does love learning all these things, especially on his terms (ADHD and stress + the public school system do not always go hand in hand). He’s a quick learner when he deems the information important and is made accessible to his learning needs.

- Ben definitely has ADHD speaking of which, it was nearly uncontrollable as a child bc his free-spirited parents didn’t believe in medicating. Ben convinced them he needed it and after some trial and error, found meds that worked. As he became more involved in heroics/growing up he had to change his medicine regimen (resulting in him being a bit more off the rails in OV) and needed antidepressants and therapy to manage it better. As an adult he has a whole litany of coping mechanisms (good and bad yes) and regularly checks in with his therapist and doctors to keep things under control. 

- Has a complicated relationship with his necrofriggian children. Considers himself their mother and worries after them. They too feel a connection to their parent despite this being unusual for their species. A few visit (some more than others) while they grow while others maintain distance. Ben never breathes a word of them to the media for fear of them being targeted. Still he keeps an eye on them and ensures all 14 mature to adulthood (another rarity for the species). Checks in every now and again with the ones who don’t want to see him and those that do. Two join the Plumbers and Ben is both proud and worried. His youngest becomes partners with Rook Ben.

- Just in general loves kids, they’re his favorite fans and while he’ll grumble at pushy adult fans he always smiles and kneels down for the little ones. Not so secretly wanted to have children of his own but knew it was a risk overall and used a lot of that energy with mentoring and teaching. Eventually had Kenny later in life (late 30s-40s) and was over the moon, becoming such a loving and doing parent or as much as he could be with his hectic schedule. 

- Omnitrix can’t come off, never has at any point since it first latched onto Ben’s arm. Azmuth tried and failed to get the device off, doesn’t let Ben know for many years as he feared the consequences. The watch loves and protects Ben even beyond it’s programming making him much more durable to damage and releasing energy charges when he’s threatened. Not even removing Ben’s arm would separate them. They’re stuck for life.

- Ben does have Anodite heritage but the Omnitrix actively suppresses it and uses the built up energy to power the transformations which is why ben is mostly unaffected by what should cause a massive energy drain on him. Theoretically if Ben learned to harness and safely use his Mana at an early age like Gwen he would have been fine but letting it build up without safe outlet meant activation would have killed him. Omnitrix Ben, however, went his whole life not knowing of his latent abilities and how the watch saved his life.

- Ben’s eyes get more green and glowy as time passes from the Omnitrix. At first they think its a trick of the light but by the time he’s an adult his eyes are pretty much glow in the dark. His veins light up too after long stretches of using the Omnitrix. Its vaguely unsettling to people who aren’t used to Ben.

- Max and the Earth Plumbers work so, so hard to keep teen Ben on Earth when half the universe is blowing up their comm lines asking for The Ben 10 to help with whatever problem of the day. Ben himself doesn’t quite understand when he’s younger the prestige and expectations on his shoulders. Max throws up a million and one roadblocks so Ben can live as normal a life as possible while he still can. Still, while doing that he Still overloads Ben with expectations and responsibilities on earth and beyond. He becomes a soldier again with Ben as their greatest weapon. He never forgave himself of losing sight of his grandson underneath the hero esp after Ben’s breakdown. 

- Rook partnership with Ben ends not long after Omniverse with his promotion to Magister. Ben tries to play it cool but the thought of another loved one/teammate leaving his tears him apart. Max revealing that Ben most likely wouldn’t get a new Plumber assigned partner since he’s almost an adult and won’t need it and Rook accidentally missing their last smoothie run due to a scheduling mishap causes Ben to snap and have the nervous breakdown that had been building for almost a decade. He completely loses it for a little while and needs to take an extended leave of absence from school and heroics that lasts about a year. Spends time recovering both on Earth and Galvan Prime, does some diplomatic training, learns about aliens, actually confronts the stress and loneliness of his life. He comes out the other side stronger but still fragile and exhausted.

- Ben’s above mentioned breakdown brings him closer to all his friends who didn’t quite realize the extent of Ben’s burden. Rook had been under the impression Ben didn’t like him all that much so the knowledge that his departure was the final straw for friend/hero’s collapse was shocking. Ben and Azmuth also become closer, the Galvan becoming fiercely protective of the boy seeing as his Earth family didn’t do well to keep him safe. It takes years for him to get over his anger at Max for putting so much on his grandchild. Ben makes more friends, in and out of the hero business, finally gets a therapist and gets some of his burdens eased a bit. It’s not a sure fire fix and Ben has several smaller breakdowns the rest of his life but its something.

- Azmuth was straight up suicidal before he met Ben for the first time. Ben gave him back hope for the universe and his ability to create items for peace not weapons. The boy infuriates him, frightens him, frustrates him but Azmuth cannot deny in his heart of hearts that he loves Ben dearly. He’s very upset at Ben’s breakdown and doesn’t know how to handle the worst of the initail outbursts. Azmuth talks Ben down from a suicide attempt. He reaches out to Ben that he Too felt overwhelmed by pressure, thought himself only good for war. Ben’s arrival in his life saved him and now he will do the same for Ben. It’s the first positive step forward in Ben’s recovery.

- For no other reason than I like it, Azmuth primarily refers to Ben as Benjamin (mostly to annoy the kid but he likes the way it sounds too) and Ben in softer, more serious moments. 

- Professor Paradox continues to flit in and out of Ben’s life. He says its because Ben is the most equipped to handle universal peril (true) but he’s also just very fond of the boy. Ben, existing in so many forms and having such importance also exists a beat outside of normal reality which Paradox identifies with. Ben is naturally attuned to time related problems because of this (instantly IDing Spanner as from the future before being told later deducing him to be his unborn son). Plus Ben named him, way back when. He’s just drawn to Ben.

- Adult Ben, while being seen as an impressively skilled fighter and champion, really has his strength as a universal diplomat of sorts. Based out of Earth, he helps mediate and defuse conflicts, advocate against tyranny and overall preserve peace and balance. He’s not perfect, he makes mistakes and sometimes is forced to become violent (and yes kill) but overall is regarded as a peacekeeper, something younger ben simply couldn’t understand. 

- Gwen gets her degree and primarily does work with advocacy and teaching about magic/alien culture. While she and Ben are still close, there’s a bit of a frustrated divide in that she isn’t helping him share the burden of the universe. Gwen never wanted to be a hero and has enough worth to not shackle herself to a job that’ll burn her out. Ben loves heroing but gives too much of himself away trying to fix everything. They get into screaming arguments that it wouldn’t be so bad out there if she just helped him but she refuses to budge and says he shouldn’t make himself do so much. They always make up and thy still are each other’s closest relationships.

- Ben marries Kai in a political move, Kai is Asexual and Ben Aromantic. They didn’t love each other but they got on well enough and Ben was really feeling the stress of carrying the hero burden so Kai also being involved made him feel like he wasn’t alone. Both were also so tired of the universe constantly asking about their love life and said ‘fuck it we’re married leave us alone’. Gwen was always mad about it feeling Ben deserved better but the two of them were happy with it. They had separate rooms, mostly separate lives but they became strong friends and supports with their strictly platonic marriage. They had Ken via Invitro in an incubator and were loving if extremely busy parents. 

- Also from the moment he appeared, Ben knew that Spanner was his future son, Kenny. He played ignorant and then was kind of deliberately teasing him in future encounters. He knew the rules of time and didn’t want to disrupt things further even if he was angry and worried as heck about why Ken felt the need to time travel. When future Ben catches up in the timeline, Kenny gets SUCH a lecture. 

- Ben isn’t quite immortal but he’s also not entirely human anymore either. The Omnitrix not only keeps him safe from most harm but it lightens the effect of aging. Ben 10 is active many, many years when most humans would have been forced to retire. He’s not sure how long the watch will keep him alive and it terrifies him. Gwen too is functionally immortal however she ages like a normal human, then when her natural death came, shed her skin and became a fulltime Anodite. So in the end, it was her and Ben together wondering which of them will die first. Gwen has trouble retaining her humanity as pure energy and swears she’ll let herself fizzle out when Ben goes. When that’ll be however...