#i think that's why annoyed me with my previous therapist

[the-everqueen]

i had the realization last week in therapy (round two: learn better coping mechanisms!) that my brain is basically an ACD. which means whenever it starts spiraling into "oh god no one can or should love me, oh god i'm going to die, oh god--" i need to stop accepting these thoughts as Irrefutable Truths and more like a dog chewing thru the drywall, i.e. Can We Redirect

[life-winners-liveblog]

Watching Last Life-session 1

Part 5

Grian: Why am I not even a little surprised Scar already stole the enchanting table?

Scar: Hey! I would never steal... except for when I do steal... But we don't talk about those times.

Pearl: Well seems from the chat that Tango noticed the theft.

Martyn: Other Scar didn't even enchant anything before stealing the enchanting table, the moment he uses it everyone is going to know who stole it.

Scott: You'd be surprised at the inability if some people to put 2+2 together.

Pearl: Have to say, building a base squished between Scars and Rens bases... doesn't feel like a good idea.

Martyn: Especially when they both have vantage points over you and could easily rain arrows down towards you.

Scott: Well as they say hindsight is 20/20 and all that.

Scar: You could say... they had the high ground?

Scott: No Scar! Not again.

Grian: Scott...why are you so upset at... a star wars reference?

Scott: You don't understand the situation Grian... Scar convinced me to have a therapy session at the Therapists Scars thing he built and he just trew Star Wars quote after Star Wars quote at me. (link to ask)

Scar: There were also some Frozen quotes-

Scott: I know there were, it makes it even worse.

Scar: That's quite a grudge Scott... I think you should... let it go.

Scott: ...

Martyn: Wow, Scar managed to actually annoy Scott into silence and he has been here for so little... That's something even I couldn't accomplish.

Pearl: Don't worry Martyn! In my heart you are still the most annoying person in here!

Grian: Same honestly.

Previous

Next

First

[writing-for-life]

Dream’s Therapist

Nightmares

I peruse the client’s previous session notes to prepare as usual and decide to go over his journal entries together to find out what might cause his insomnia. It might also give clues as to why he believes he is a cosmic entity weaving stories, dreams and nightmares.

The client is punctual again (my receptionist informs me he was 20 minutes early). Upon entering my office, he hesitantly takes off his coat and lays it over his lap, neatly folded. I notice this is a deviation from his usual habit of keeping his coat on. I have once more made sure the room is only dimly lit to avoid discomfort, and I forego the apparently undesired small-talk.

DT: Last week, I asked you to journal about your daily routine and any thoughts that might come up. How did that go?

Dream: I did as requested. But unfortunately, nightmares refuse to be confined to paper.

DT (I notice he has apparently brought no journal or notes and rhymes things off from memory): So you did manage to sleep, but you had nightmares?

Dream (I notice the quirked eyebrow, but he seems to lift one corner of his mouth, too, which rather hints at amusement than annoyance): No to both. As I told you previously, I create them.

DT: Okay, tell me about them. What in particular made you journal about them?

Dream: Well, my nightmares are not unlike… unruly children (I notice a fleeting disengagement in his gaze before he quickly shakes his head and resumes). There is the Corinthian…

DT: Your nightmares have names and distinct personalities?

Dream (I notice he looks at me as if I’ve got two heads): Why yes, of course they do. They fulfil particular functions, and I gave them sentience. May I proceed?

DT (I notice prickliness due to my interruption, and I remind myself I really shouldn’t do that): Of course.

Dream: Thank you (He actually rolls his eyes at me at this stage). The Corinthian generally… misbehaves and tells me he wants to feel what it is like to be human. And thinks I only care about my realm and my rules.

DT (I notice a degree of displacement, projection and delusion all rolled into one and briefly contemplate my course of further questioning): And do you think he is right?

Dream (He voices something resembling a groan): Of course not.

DT: Well, last time, you told me you care about rules and responsibilities to a great degree. That you are the king of dreams and nightmares. That feelings are a quaint human invention. It sounds like he might have picked up on those… vibes? How does it make you feel if I suggest that might be a possibility?

Dream (I notice his fingers clutching the coat in his lap very tightly): It makes me feel annoyed that you are ignoring the fact that I don’t feel.

DT: You feel annoyed?

Dream (I notice his Adam’s apple moves up and down in quick succession, and his gaze briefly turns blank. He then blinks and looks straight at me again): The other nightmare is an endless staircase. I shall not tell you its name at this point as not to confuse you (He looks at me with an expression that hints at haughtiness. No, I think it’s pity). Each step leads to a different fear—abandonment, failure… (He stops himself and looks at me as if he expects an interruption.)

DT (I notice he has ignored my prodding for admitting that he does indeed feel. I, in turn, decide to play along): Interesting. And how do you relate to that particular nightmare?

Dream (I notice a somewhat annoyed sigh): I don’t. I am its creator.

DT: But isn’t that a relationship?

Dream (He looks out the window): Perhaps.

DT (I notice he seems somewhat zoned out): And did you ever think about bridging the gap between creator and creation?

Dream (I notice the eye-roll again before he looks at me): That is hardly necessary because they are me. After a fashion. As in: Not entirely. But also: Yes.

DT (I quickly hover on the thought whether this admission can be called progress or not): And how does that make you feel?

Dream: That they are… familiar, and comforting, even in their chaos (I notice he has forgotten to go into an immediate rant about not feeling and start to think we might be getting somewhere). But some of them are just extremely… disappointing.

DT: If they are disappointing, what would need to happen to make it less so? Could you… change these nightmares? Imagine them to be different?

Dream (I notice he uncomfortably straightens in his chair, and his jawline hardens): You are aware you, to a degree, want me to change myself by suggesting so?

DT: I don’t want anything.

Dream (I notice something that could almost be mistaken for a smile, and he blinks slowly): That is a lie.

DT (He is right of course, but I notice he is trying to turn the tables on me every time he wants to avoid a topic): What I was trying to imply is that we are not talking about my wants when we are on the topic of yours.

Dream: How unfortunate. In any case, do not trouble yourself, I know them anyway. (I notice he leans back in his chair and looks… smug?)

DT (I choose to ignore whatever this is): What about you then? What do you want?

Dream (I notice he looks at his boots. A few minutes of silence ensue. They don’t feel too uncomfortable): I want the endless staircase to lead to a cosmic bakery. I want each step to smell of freshly baked bread.

DT (He is clearly mocking me, he told me he hardly eats. I also notice it is past my usual lunchtime, I like bread and I’m hungry. But I decide to see where this is going. I stay silent. I stare at him. He still stares at his boots.)

Dream: There are also teacups in that bakery, and they gossip about the weather, debate existentialism, and occasionally sip Earl Grey. I think they are staging a revolution.

DT: A revolution?

Dream (He still stares at his boots): Yes, it is indeed absurd.

DT: Absurdity is our ally in here, nothing to get hung up on.

Dream (I notice his gaze finally disengaging from his boot and instead locking in on me. His mouth twitches. I am not sure if he smiles?): They demand equality. The cracked teacups want reparations for their shattered handles. The chipped ones insist on universal healthcare. And the most beautiful, rarest porcelain ones are terrified of being replaced.

DT (It gets harder not to laugh, but I just about manage since I can’t beat the feeling that this is just superficially funny but actually hinting at something deeper. It always does): And how do you feel about their demands?

Dream: I fear a teacup uprising (He flings his coat over the armrest of his chair). Can you imagine the horror of tiny porcelain picket lines?

DT (I am really grasping here): What if you gave them a common goal?

Dream (I notice he raises an eyebrow and cocks his head): What, like summoning the Teapot of Enlightenment? The one that brews wisdom instead of tea? Staining saucers in the process and leaving rings on tables?

DT: Gaining wisdom can be a messy affair I guess?

I notice the room seems to smell of tea and imaginary pastries and wonder what’s going on.

Dream (I notice he gauges my reaction for a good two minutes. I manage to hold his gaze. He holds mine. Until he doesn’t and looks at his boot again. The silence lasts for another three minutes): You are indulging my attempts at weaving absurd stories that are in no way related to your questions. Why?

DT: I am not indulging you. I’m letting you communicate whatever you wish to communicate. You might think it’s unrelated, but it tells me things, and that’s enough.

Dream (I notice he still doesn’t lift his chin, but he looks at me): And what does it tell you?

DT: Does it matter?

Dream: Perhaps.

DT: I don’t think it matters what I think about you, I am just here to ask questions that make you think. Maybe hold up a mirror on occasion.

Dream (I notice that his eyes disengage again, and his voice turns very quiet): What if I don’t like mirrors?

DT: I guess that’s okay, you don’t have to like the mirror. But if you don’t like what it reflects at you, you could change either what stands in front of it or how you relate to that reflection. Like you just changed the way you relate to your nightmares.

Dream (I notice he looks at me again): And what makes you think I changed the way I relate to my nightmares?

DT: Because you just told me a story about cosmic bakeries and teapots that weaved quite a bit of light into the darkness?

Dream (I notice he sighs and looks out the window): Like ink and stardust.

DT (I don’t follow): Pardon?

Dream (I notice he grabs his coat): I trust our time is up?

DT: Almost, but not quite. You can make use of the remainder if you want.

Dream (He gets up and puts on his coat): I do not. However, I shall… think. And write. In the journal.

DT: Same time next week then? Can I use ink to put your appointment in my diary?

Dream (I think he smiles, but it is hard to tell for certain): You may. I am sure you will also provide the stardust…

< Previous Session

> Next Session

[snitchesnsneeds]

After too much stalling, I finally finished the other half of Miraculous Season 2. Here's my thoughts episode-by-episode:

Zombizou: The episode focused on Ms. Bustier. Honestly I get where she's coming from in that statement to Marinette. This is a world where people can become butt-ugly abominations because they felt upset, although I think Chloe still needs consequences for her actions as well as something like positive reinforcement. She had plenty consequences in season 1. Speaking of Chloe, That Asshole was wrong. There was clear intent for Chloedemption. Also could we at least have seen all that stuff Ms. Bustier does in previous episodes?

Syren: This was an episode the salters talked loads about, and honestly, I get where Adrien's coming from here. On a fundamental level the Ladybug and Black Cat miraculi aren't equals due to the Ladybug's magic reset button, but as one of the first Miraculous users, Adrien should've still been let in on the loop. Kid felt like he was useless, that Ladybug could save the day without his help. At the very least have Master Fu go one-on-one or have both kids show up while transformed or blindfolded. Also the water voices ticked me off, but that's relatively minor.

Frightningale: A fun character-of-the-week episode, especially since I'm fond of Clara Nightingale's constant rhymes and rhythm. She's dedicated to it and I love it. It's also good to see Chloe be an exceptional and talented dancer! It's good to see her having talents and interests that aren't just making people suffer!

Troublemaker: Another episode showing why I think Marinette and Adrien shouldn't date in any of their forms. I don't know enough about stalker shrines but I think Marinette's room is getting close enough to be one for Adrien. Though I'm pretty sure Adrien's seen worse or has been conditioned to not care, based on his reaction at the end. Still a shame that the local TV show had to live-film Marinette's room and beach her privacy in the local city-town of Paris while the real Paris has been converted to an amusement park for tourists. You got any other reasons why the population is so low? One more thing: I'm pretty sure the lack of ladybug-vision was more due to anxiety over losing one of her earrings and the difficulty of the villain more than anything else.

Anansi: I find the new heroes good, personally. They give more screentime to other characters. Also again with Adrien's insecurity about being useful. And I think this episode would've been over sooner if they noticed that Anansi was going to get herself akumatized over the stress and maybe just let her come or something. Or if they got Marinette to arm-wrestle her instead. Marinette has muscles, right?

Sandboy: A lore episode, mostly. The nightmares were funny for a second and I was a bit annoyed by the Akuma's voice, but that's small potatoes. I like how compared to season 1, where we would be given a bunch of development for Sandboy it's just explained to us afterwards while we instead get more time for lore.

Style Queen: Hawkmoth has a contender for the most evil character in the show. Audrey Bourgeois is the kind of person that would be made fun of in those Karen freakout videos. She cheats on her husband, neglects her daughter to the point of not remembering her name, fires people over the most minor inconveniences, and starts G-rated killing people over getting a seat in the second row. She needs to be cancelled, deplatformed, and Chloe needs a therapist and better role models. I really liked the split-second of Adrien looking shocked after Marinette told him he had the catwalk down, btw. Did he think his identity was outed there?

Queen Wasp: This is why teenagers shouldn't get superpowers. I get secondhand embarrassment watching them. Also Marinette What The Fuck why the Hell are you getting Chloe to bond with the Absolute Worst Person For Her

Maledictator: This is what happens when you make Chloe bond with a Chernobyl-level toxic influence, Marinette. In general this episode was funny, both intentionally and unintentionally. Everyone starts celebrating Chloe ditching Paris with her mother except Adrien because Chloe was her only friend even though she was a detriment to everyone else and suddenly Marinette feels bad because she worships Adrien. The first thing the villain of the week does is make Audrey stop being such a horrible person and later he made Chat Noir reach the limit of catboyness. It's like a Smiling Friends episode. Also it was cool to see Chloe's depths and self-loathing. Surely that won't be forgotten and Chloe will be given therapy so she can become a better person, right?

Reverser (Put here so it makes sense timeline-wise): It's Yaoi time. Except that Nathaniel is into Ladybug (who I assume he knows is Marinette) here and Marc is fine with that. Overall a good episode. Some nice humor, and Reverser's probably the best akuma design so far I love the paper stuff. Plus more info on the side characters and a spot of good humor, excellent!

Frozer: Ah, there's the Nathmarc. And explicit Julerose. And Marinette getting some idea that her fantasy of Adrien is unhealthy and shouldn't be followed. And Adrigami, albeit a bit one-sided. Quit pining over someone who doesn't love you and get with someone who does, kid. And a smidgeon of Marigami. And Adrien's bodyguard being his daddy in place of his father. And a pinch of me seeing what the salters were talking about with the girlsquad and them forcing Marinette and Adrien together. Or at least Alya and Mylene. I couldn't hear what Alix, Juleka, and Rose were saying, but they disagreed, right? At least one of them had to disagree, right?

Heroes' Day Two-Parter: Marinette you're being too hotheaded against Lila no you gotta be like Columbo. Also yet another Marinette Costanza moment. Otherwise not much to say here. It's the boss rush episode, it's the series finale, Alya managed to catch onto Nino being Carapace but still can't seem to connect the dots between Ladybug and Marinette, the Peacock Miraculous is introduced, and Natalie is on my suslist.

I might procrastinate again on the first half of season 3. The first episode deserves a post of it's own. It's the salt episode.

[90skiyoomi]

reckless pt. 2

haikyuu x f!reader, sakusa kiyoomi x f!reader

angst but mostly fluff

it has been 2 year since you found out that your ex boyfriend was cheating on you with your ex bestfriend. what happened since then?

tw: mentions of depression, nsfw (just suggestive), mentions of cheating and manipulation (from the ex bestfriend), cursing at almost the end of the story

a/n: saw one of the suggestions that i should write about what happens about the whole shenanigan in pt. 1

also no proofreading was done so it might be a little messy. i just wrote whatever that was in my mind without actually thinking to put it into words properly

<previous> navigation <next>

it has been 2 years since it all happened.

you stumbled upon your ex boyfriend with your ex bestfriend at a restaurant and found out that he has been cheating on you 4 months into your relationship.

you were angry.

you've never felt so angry in your whole life before. it felt like you wanted to scream at the whole world for everything that has happened to you. he was your first everything.

first kiss.

first sex.

first apartment with a partner.

you never thought you could have a second one, not after what happened.

you were so depressed that you had to see a therapist for a while, because you couldn't even leave home to go for grocery runs when you were low of food. you couldn't even get out of bed because you felt numb. it was as if your whole world fell apart in a day and you didn't know how to deal with it.

you never thought better days would come. you thought that that was it and there was no way that you could recover from that whole ordeal.

a week after the break up, you decided to text your ex bestfriend.

why did you do it? i thought you were my friend

he was just using you babes. he'd always loved me but used you to get to me.

and you didn't bother telling me because?

because you don't deserve good things. you've always had everything since we were kids and how exciting was it for me to finally be able to steal something from you?

that was the last text that you and her had.

the medications helped a little bit, i guess.

you started going out again.

you decided that you wanted to pursue your master's degree.

that's where you found your childhood friend, sakusa kiyoomi.

you remembered him as that introverted kid that was also a germaphobe.

but somehow, he found comfort in you.

he wasn't scared to take his mask off when you're around.

you did everything together.

until one day, he moved away as he was playing volleyball in a prestigious school.

turns out, he was on a volleyball scholarship while taking his master's degree.

the first time you both met was when you were getting coffee from the school's coffee shop and you bumped into him while you were entering. he was annoyed, and then shock, because it's you.

you didn't know back then but before he moved, he had a crush on you as you were the only person that really understood him (besides his cousin of course).

he was so sad when you weren't home when he left. he didn't get to see you one last time.

when he saw you at that coffee shop again, it was as if his crush for you never went away.

"hey omi, it has been so long"

you pulled him into a tight hug.

somehow, you noticed some people in the coffee shop started staring and whispering.

was something wrong?

"hey y/n, i've missed you so much"

he snuggled into the hug, causing more commotion in the coffee shop.

"wanna enlighten me why the entire coffee shop is suddenly staring and talking about us?" you whispered.

he just giggled and pulled away from the hug, holding you hand as the both of you exited the building.

you chatted for hours (it was a weekend and you both didn't had any classes but since the both of you stayed in the dormitory in school, you bumped into each other at the coffee shop in the school campus) at the park nearby, as if those missing years meant nothing.

"i really missed you so much, y/n"

he sighed, while looking at the sun setting.

wait, the sun setting.

curfews.

he started freaking out.

"oh my god, we're going to miss curfews if we don't walk back now"

you just laughed at his panicked state and stood up, holding your arms out, as if to gesturing to help him get up on his feet.

"you're so silly, omi. we're literally 5 minutes away from the dormitory. you're so dramatic and for what?"

he took your hands and got up.

you both started walking back when he interrupted the silence.

"you know, i've missed how we used to sit by the sea and talk about everything. this,,, felt nice" he blushed ever so slightly.

the walk seemed too short for the likes of the both of you.

"i have to go, omi. or else i would (does air quotes) miss my curfew and get kicked out of school or whatever" you joked

"but, i really want to hang out again. give me your phone"

without even thinking, he handed you his phone as you keyed in your number.

xxx-xxxx-xxx my bff the loml

"there. remember to text me"

he looked at the contact name and burst out laughing.

"my bff the loml??? what are you, 12?"

you just smiled and said your goodbyes.

you guys texted back and forth every night and everyday when time permits.

you told him about your ex one day when you both were hanging out and you swear there were fumes coming out through the top of his head.

"how could he treat you like this? and with that homewrecker? i knew she had bad vibes when i met her right before i left but i've never thought she would stoop so low"

his face was full of anger and disgust.

you couldn't help but to feel a certain way, knowing how someone is feeling angry for you too.

you didn't realize but deep inside you, you've always loved kiyoomi.

he was truly your first love. when he left, you didn't leave home for days, knowing that school wouldn't be the same without him.

you thought it was just puppy love, those kind of love that would just go away after a while. but you didn't know that it was still lingering, not until you saw him again.

2 years in university flew by really quickly. you and kiyoomi graduated with honors, with you being the valedictorian.

that was when he asked you out as his girlfriend.

obviously you said yes but not before hitting his chest and asked him what took him so long?

that was 3 years ago.

you're currently on a plane to US, where your then-boyfriend, now fiancé, is playing against the Adlers.

you smiled, as the fond memory of how you met him again replays in your mind.

he doesn't know that you were on your way to surprise him.

as you reminisce the first time where he signed the contract with MSBY to play volleyball professionally, you knew that it was going to be tough for the both of you as it meant that you won't see each other as often, especially when he's playing an away game. but you knew that he was worth it and encouraged him to pursue him dream, even if you have to suffer from loneliness a few times a year.

you were so caught up in your own thoughts, only for it to be broken with a couple bickering on the plane in economy.

you thought they sounded familiar but minded your own business. you put on your headphones and drifted to sleep, only to wake up 7 hours later to the sight of USA out of the plane window.

"ladies and gentlemen, we are landing shortly. thank you for flying with japan air."

you heard the pilot saying.

once you landed, you met up with atsumu (he was a part of the plan) at the hotel. he handed you kiyoomi's hotel room key (totally didn't stole it) and quickly joined the rest outside. you made sure that the both of you were discreet, making sure that bokuto and hinata were doing their job in distracting kiyoomi.

you quickly went up to the room to put your luggage and once you saw that their bus drive off, you hoped into a cab and went to the stadium that they were playing at.

atsumu got you first row tickets so that sakusa could see you.

before going to your seat, you walk towards the back door to enter the court to surprise him while he was warming up.

while walking towards the back door, you bumped into him and her.

"hey y/n"

he chimed.

as surprised as you were to see them here, you looked at him blankly and decided that he wasn't even worth a hello and walked to your destination. atsumu was waiting frantically and basically screamed when he saw you.

"i swear yer' gonna be the death of me. pray that coach won't kill me before omi omi could"

you just chuckled at how dramatic he was.

as he opened the door, you walked towards the court and there he was, your kiyoomi.

"omi!"

he looked up, having the most surprised face before running towards you, hugging you and basically lifting you off the floor.

"baby"

he snuggled into your neck.

"you didn't tell me that you were coming"

you could see his little pout and his finger wiping his fake tear, acting like a child.

you just laughed.

"couldn't be away from your away game"

"get it? away ,,, from your ,,, away game"

he just rolled his eyes at your stupid joke.

"do you have a ticket? the game is about to start so i have to go soon"

you waved your front seat ticket

"tsumu got it all figured out"

"so that brat is in this too?"

you nodded

"well, that's the first thing he has ever done right because i get to see you. but i have to go now, love. i'll see you after the game okay?"

he kissed you on your forehead and waved goodbye. you blew him a kiss as he was walking away and started heading to your seat.

but not before noticing that your ex boyfriend and bestfriend were staring at the both of you the whole time (the audience too because sakusa kiyoomi being affectionate?????? i think we're gonna struck the lottery or something)

you cheered for kiyoomi as loudly as you can, and as he made his last point, he looked at you and did his usual heart gesture, this time towards you and not the camera.

MSBY won and you were so proud of your fiancé. you ran out of your seat and ran towards the back door to finally hug your fiancé and to show how proud of him you were.

after chatting with the rest of the team and thanking atsumu, bokuto and hinata for making this possible, you and kiyoomi walked out.

you both were chatting away with hands intertwined when you bumped into a bickering couple that gave you an eyesore.

kiyoomi noticed your discomfort

"who are they?"

"it's homewrecker and adulterer"

he just nodded and giggled a little as the both of you walked towards the exit (slowly because both of you wanted to know what they were talking about)

"i can't believe you fucking cheated" the adulterer said.

"aww the cheater got cheated on. must suck to be you"

"i don't even know why i chose to be with you. you're nothing but a whore"

slap.

"i'm a whore? weren't you the one that cheated on that bitch with me? who's the fucking whore now? you didn't even have the balls to break it off with her"

that was the last thing you heard as you exited the stadium.

once you were outside, the both of you burst out into laughter.

"who's the fucking whore now? you didn't even have the balls to break it off with her"

you said mockingly, trying to sound like her.

"that just made my day so much better" (kiyoomi secretly lives for the drama)

once the laughter dies down, you held his hand

"shall we?"

he smiled.

i'm going to marry her for real someday, he just thought, as you both walked in a comfortable silence back to the hotel.

[woodsfae]

Babylon 5 s02e16: In the Shadow of Z'ha'dum s02 ToC • previous episode

Dislike that they're turning the Narn refugees back unless they're injured. At least they're taking the injured, but damn, Earth won't take any refugees, even temporarily? That's awful.

Vir: Stop asking me things with uncomfortable answers. It makes me uncomfortable.

Not a great time to be a Centauri with a shred of a conscience, but a political position. Especially gross to be anyone dealing with fuckhead the asshole. Mor something?

Great hate speech by Vir, he's come a long way in expressing himself. It would be nice to see Shadow-lackey die a terrible death.

I, personally, would not name any kind of ship or vessel which I wished to remain in one piece, the Icarus. I'm not superstitious superstitious but I am a little superstitious. Don't wanna get on a submersible boat named Titan Titanic, either. Just seems like tempting fate. Or if not fate, then getting mocked in memes by teenagers after your ironic death.

Dun dun dun!! Shadow asshat was supposed to have died on the Icarus with Anna! Is she dead? Is any of that crew dead?

Morden. And he's on the station!

I reflexively distrust and dislike every single person who comes onto the station specifically to see Talia. Matt Stoner. Every PsiCorps episode. That time Kosh and the Guy With The Good Hat indulged in a little, light, mental torture to evaluate her. People just fuck with Talia and she deserves a break and a nice episode where she kisses Susan and relaxes a little.

This security guard taking Morden aside looks a lot like Willem Dafoe. But I don't think he is. Probably?

Morden's playing it slick, but Sheridan is in a bad bad mood. He's got a good explanation. He's a damned liar and he's AWOL. Just because he was assumed KIA doesn't mean he isn't still obligated to report back to duty.

But of course, Sheridan prefers to threaten him with making his legal status become his actual physical status (dead).

It makes sense that someone who's seen as much trauma and been traumatized as much as Stephen Franklin would need to talk it out. And it makes sense that he would have lowered inhibitions and feel compelled to talk about it when he's in the middle of another traumatic scenario. But the religious musings spoken through the characters' mouths is pretty tedious and not my favorite aspect.

Gross earthforce spy network setup.

Garibaldi being the voice of reason and urging adherence to moral guidelines is hilarious. Maybe that's what he needs: someone who's more of a loose cannon than he is, to keep in line.

This dichotomy is dumb. Message earthforce and be like "May I detain this AWOL member of earthforce that, surprise, isn't dead!" They're so suspicious and fascist right now, of course they'll support detaining him!

Idk if Talia going to help violate Morden's rights or not. And idk what Vir is going to disclose! Exciting!

The Centauri must go through so much hairspray. Vir's hair hardly even wobbles as he bobbles.

Literally it seems like all of thise would be resolved by calling Earthforce and telling them Morden's alive. I really don't understand why Sheridan isn't using the might of Earthforce to do all this with full military backing and support.

Two creepy shadow being accompanying Morden! I don't like that at all!

People really need to stop using Talia's abilities against her and to manipulate her into using telepathy against her better judgement and against the literal law. Super dickish. Sheridan's making a lot of indefensible calls in this one.

They need a therapist or twenty on board.

The Vorlon are so funny. All of the lesser races are as bugs to us….the Minbari are the best bugs and we prefer the best bugs to any of you annoying ones.

Deep Lore Dump.

The Ancients (who haven't "walked among us" in ten thousand years) fought the First Ones and (?) the Shadows over the millennia. They haven't been around since the last Great War. The Minbari were a space-going civilization at the time! Damn! No wonder they're so elitist! They've Seen It All.

So…Vorlons are some of the Ancients? Or at least they sheltered Kosh, an Ancient among their ranks? Wild that "everyone" will recognize him if he's out of his encounter suit. Or perhaps Kosh's idea of everyone is "everyone who knew me ten thousand years ago," lol.

Very grim outcome for the crew of the Icarus, but it does make me think that Anna will be back.

Anytime there's a debate about allowing mass death and atrocities for some future greater good, I don't care. Save the people in front of you. This WWII story is grim af. iirc, Britain was great at catching German spies. I should think they could totally have evacuated Coventry secretly. Really grim.

"What did you see?" "Nothing. Shadows."

Ewwww gross, Zach the security guard is going to be an earthforce informer. I really, really do not like the implications of a group of people with armbands being spread around to intimidate the populace.

This is a good decision by Sheridan. He's good at war, and it will be better for him to turn his energy into beating an ancient evil than to spin his wheels at B5.

Kosh saying he will die if he goes to Z'ha'dum doesn't mean he'll die if he fights the Shadows, imo. Many things in this show seem to revolve around loopholes, semantics, and pedantry. What if the Shadow leaves Z'ha'dum and is defeated in another place? That's a Sheridan-worthy escape clause from Prophecy of Doom.

next episode

[georgiapeach30513]

Open Your Heart, Part 3

Summary:  you and Paul open up.

Pairings:  Paul Diskant X Reader. Lee Bodecker X Paul Diskant

Rating:  explicit

Warnings:  explicit language, explicit sexual content, smut, therapy and sessions in therapy, depression, sad Paul, oral sex (F receiving), fingering, squirting, voyeurism, 18+ ONLY

Word Count:  2.3K

Previous

Series Masterlist

“Mrs. Diskant,” your eyes drift up from your lap, while your therapist gives you a warm smile, “You don’t usually come in so annoyed.”

She always had this ability to call you out on your feelings. You cross your arms, settling back into the couch. It wasn’t going to be that easy to get you to talk.

“Your husband said you fainted,” you blow a puff of air, and roll your eyes. “Is Paul wrong?”

“Nope.”

“What’s the problem?”

“Someone new was there. I could see her eyes on my…disability. I don’t like new people.”

She lays down her notepad, smiling again, before standing up, “Coffee?” You answer with a yes, and she begins making you a cup. You always like to judge people’s behavior towards you by how they made your cup. Dr. Maximoff always seemed to get just how much sugar you needed at that time.

“You need to meet new people. You’re in a new town.”

“They stare.”

“Educate them. Your pump isn’t a death sentence.”

“No, but the damage to my heart is,” she nods, handing you the cup, and you blow on the little opening a moment. Staring at nothing in particular. Just thinking.

“How is your sex life?”

You scoff. This isn’t a normal ask, but you get exactly why she’s doing it. “If it’s that bad, I did offer you some tools on good positions for the battery.”

“Our sex life is fine.”

“And you’re sure?”

“I know why you’re asking this,” she smiles over her mug, waiting for you to tell her why she was asking. She knew all she had to do was get you a bit irritated, and you let your frustrations out quickly.

“You’re asking because Paul is the only reason I wake up. I haven’t allowed myself to dwell on my thoughts, because of my husband.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“He’s my reason. The only reason I fight. The only reason that I continue on this impossible journey. The reason I don’t mention how scared I am to leave him. It’s inevitable. Five months is their guess. Five months before my body starts shutting down. And if I lose my reason and want to wake up, I’ve lost my fight. This…seventy percent of this is me having a reason to fight. It’s all a mental mind game. I lose that, my mental health declines, my body declines. And I leave Paul. And I can’t do that to him.”

Your eyes drift out to the window, remembering your wedding day. You couldn’t see any other person in that room but Paul. He was your everything. The reason to live, and continue fighting.

“It’s not fair,” you grouse. Gulping down some of the bitter brew. It was creamier than usual. She needed to soften you. “We had these big dreams once upon a time. We had this beautiful plan. We’d be married for two years, just us. And then we’d try having a baby. None of that planning, but just having fun. If it happens, it happens, you know?”

She gives you a nod, letting you completely take over the session. You needed this venting time. You would never mention any of this to Paul. He was too good to be burdened with your worries.

“We reached it. We had fun unprotected sex, and it was beautiful. And then, our world changed. He had to look at me in a hospital bed, almost dead, and fighting to come back to him, only to realize my heart was weak. I woke up with this thing in my chest. And Paul was so sweet. So understanding. Held my hands while he led me around our house. No kids. It’s not for us anymore. No future, because I will die.”

“Everyone dies. That doesn’t mean your future is gone. That means you seize each day, and treat it as your last. Fill it with good people. Love through your heartaches.”

“Every second is a heartache for me. My blood pressure is so faint it can’t be read. If the brakes are slammed, I feel my pump move around. The thing I hate the most is the very thing that’s giving me all these extra days with a man who deserves a wife who can give him kids. And I will leave him. And then what? Does he move on? Does he find someone better? Someone who can make all his dreams come true? He deserves all of that.”

“So do you,” you look down to your lap, shaking your head, “There’s always adoption.”

“I’m dying. We Adopt, which we can’t afford. I die, and leave behind my husband and a child that I chose to bring into this mess. How selfish do you think I am? I’m doing what you asked. I write down all the little things I’m grateful for. But, my biggest thing I’m thankful for is him. But, I’m scared for him. I don’t want to lose him, and I know he doesn’t want to lose me, and he will.”

Her hands fold into her lap, and she leans forward. Smiling at you, while you sniffle, and wipe away tears, “it’s okay to feel this way. It’s okay to question and have doubts about your health, you’ve been dealt a bad hand. But you have the best support system in Paul. That man would move mountains for you if it were possible.”

“I know,” you sob, grabbing a tissue to wipe at your tears, “And that’s why saying goodbye is going to be harder than living with this.”

“Diskant,” Lee yells out of his office as Paul walks by. Paul taps his paperwork in his hand before walking into the office. “I’ve been thinking, we should do a fundraiser for your family.”

“Lee, that’s not necessary. Heart transplants don’t work like that.”

“I know. I’m saying, bills have to be raking up. Your wife’s hospital bills even with insurance must be a hell to pay. And you mentioned she needed to talk to someone. Is that paid for by insurance?”

Paul sighs, shaking his head no, “She needs it though. She refuses to be candid for me, and if she loses her mental battle, I lose her. I’ll pay whatever it is I need to. If that means I skip a few meals, I’ll do that.”

“See, you need the money,” Paul gives Lee a silent thank you, and begins to stand up, “no kids?”

“It’s not suggested for her to have them with the pump,” Paul’s eyes drift down to the floor, while he spins his ring finger around. “We wanted them. We waited too late.”

“With a transplant? Could she have kids?” Lee excitedly leans over the desk. Judith wanted kids, until they were married. Now she won’t slow down.

“Yes, it would be possible. Even to have one natural,” Paul clears his throat, not meaning to say that out loud. This was not an appropriate talk with your boss.

“Ahh, you’re a man,” Paul stifles out a laugh, nodding his head. He needed a friend, too. Had spent every extra dime on therapy for you, and sometimes he forgot how hard it was to stay strong for you. But whatever it takes.

“So I take it that things are healthy?” Lee tries casually asking.

Much to Lee’s surprise, Paul seemed to want to talk, “She gets a bit self conscious about the scar, and the tube, but she’s just as beautiful to me,” he smiles sheepishly looking away. “She’s uncomfortable with certain positions, there’s a hose, ya know, but man, what she is comfortable with, I like a lot. She plays shy, but anytime I ask or initiate, she’s ready.”

“That’s good. Relations keep a couple together longer,” Judith turned Lee down a lot. She was always working on a listing. Lee had become an afterthought, and he was her everything. Her saving grace. The one who came to visit her during her treatments. Where were her friends and family? Lee was always there.

“Does she…ya know?” Lee smiles, shrugging, “Is it always you initiating things?”

“No, not at all. She feels bad about…not feeling comfortable about certain positions, and usually afterwards, well, she’s dropping to her…” Paul pauses. It felt good to talk, but it was inappropriate with Lee. You wouldn’t be happy about Paul letting Lee know how you were quite the fiend.

Paul needed a friend, and he wanted to curse himself for opening up so easily, “I shouldn’t talk about her like that. It’s not just the sex with her. She’s…she’s it. There is no other. If anything happens, I can't move on.”

Oh Paul had to go. He would become an obstacle for Lee. But for now, he wanted to keep him talking, “You’re fine, Diskant. Sometimes you just need a friend. Sometimes you need to fuck your wife in the living room.”

“No, the living room, she fucks me,” Lee smiles at him, the living room window was large. He might have to randomly pop in. “Lee, I thank you, but I should really…”

“This is you talking to Lee,” he puts on that charming smile that seemed to make everyone melt. It was the reason he had continued to be elected. “Don’t look at it as Diskant talking to his superior. If you need anything, don’t hesitate. My door is always open.”

“Thanks,” Paul smiles. He was always a bit naive. Too trusting in a world where he should be suspicious. “I really do appreciate it.”

“Blossom,” Paul shouts at you as he walks in the house. “Blossom!”

“What?” You giggle, spinning around to look him up and down. He did look handsome in his uniform. But you looked ravishing in nothing but his shirt.

“What’re you doing?”

“Matching socks,” you give him a devious smile, turning back to your socks, “What're you doing?”

Before Paul would sling you over his shoulder, carrying you into the bedroom where he threw you on the bed, tickling and kissing you until his face was in between your thighs. His lips kissing over your covered core, while you were trying to catch your breath from the laughter. Now only to be met with his sinful mouth.

Your smile starts to fade, missing those sweet moments, before he scoops you up bridal style. It wasn’t the same, but there was still this tender sweetness. Your legs kick around, while you pet over his soft cheeks, “Paul, what’re you doing?”

“You know what I’m doing?” He tosses you onto the bed, and his body cages you quickly. And you would never put up a fight from this.

His lips press open mouth kisses on your exposed skin. His fingers give you little tickles down your body, as he journeys lower. Pressing his body in between your thighs, you whimper. Some things the pump would not take away, and you were glad this was one of them.

He hooks his thumb under your panties, before pulling them off of you. Licking his lips while he stares at your glistening cunt, ready to feast upon you, before diving in. The sweetest kisses move up your slit, and then his lips circle around your clit. Giving the little bean gentle sucks.

Pulling off, only for his tongue to lick up your juices. Gazing up at you from in between your thighs, watching you fondle your own tits. Your eyes closed as you lose yourself in his ministrations.

Paul enters his tongue into your waiting cunt. His nose continues to stimulate your bundle of nerves. Drowning himself in your slick. You were his favorite dessert. The thing he enjoyed the most about waking up was you.

His tongue leaves your pussy, and is replaced by two fingers. Kitten licking at your nub, while he finger fucks you. Pumping those thick digits in and out of your warmth. Laving up your sweet nectar all the while watching you start to come undone.

You always looked so pretty like this. Relaxed and in complete bliss, and all because he loved the way you tasted. Loved when your scent lingered on him, even out in public. It was his little inside joke. Shaking peoples’ hands, and knowing that your arousal was coated on his fingers.

He was a menace with his mouth, but an absolute fiend with his fingers. He curls them, hitting over your spongy spot that drove you wild. His other hand presses on your lower stomach, and you feel things so much more.

Your toes curl, and your thighs tighten around his head, but Paul doesn’t stop. You need this release. Needed to let go of your frustrations. He could see that vein on your neck popping out more. You needed to relax. Go dumb for a moment on his mouth alone.

Your back lifts you off the bed, and you see stars as you gush on him. He finally pulls away, slurping up your spend, as your body collapses on the bed. “You feel better, Blossom?” You nod your head, keeping your legs spread. Your hand softly rubs on your stomach, as your eyes start to close.

“I’m gonna match socks while you sleep, you deserve it.”

“Lee?” Lee grumbles, grabbing his mouth piece.

“What?” He demands. He was enjoying this view too much. The two of you should really invest in blinds. He was annoyed.

“You’re needed at the station. Picked up you know who at the bar. She’d been drinking too much again. Flirting this time,” Lee growls, throwing his car into gear as he slowly drives down the road. “She didn’t drive. Billy called the station to pick her up. She’s pissed that he took her keys.”

“I’ll be there in a minute,” you would never go out with friends and get that drunk. The only thing you would do was be waiting at home for him, offering him a beer after work. Judith had turned out to be such a disappointment. But..with a check at her files he knows she may be of use to him. And you. Always you.

Next

Masterlist

Taglist: @tis-thedamn-season @marveloustaylortot @pono-pura-vida @sstan-hoe @peaches1958 @elrw24 @infatuatedjanes @kthynes @oatballsoffury @flannellover67 @murvelle @sgtjaamesbaarnes @potatothots @thedarkplume @randomagnes0210 @smile1318

[lythea-creation]

Brighten My World - Tasneem x fem reader (Chapter 8)

Chapter 1

Previous Chapter

warnings: angst, mentions of eating disorder

word count: 906

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She did not talk to me for the rest of the school day. Only sent me an apologetic look when I initiated a conversation. But she also did not resist when I got into the car with her to accompany her home.

She did pull her hand away when I touched it though.

I did not know what to do. Her words were still buzzing in my mind, burning their way through my whole body.

I was pretty sure that she had not meant any of it. That she had just tried to hurt me to make me leave her. Yet she had been successful. It did hurt, still was.

I only dared to raise my voice again when we had arrived inside her room.

“Tasneem … can we talk? Please”, I requested.

She shook her head, pacing around her room to avoid me as much as possible.

I was torn between respecting her wish and forcing her to talk to me anyway. What was the right answer?

“Okay”, I whispered and sat down next to her bed, hugging my knees.

It felt like I was invading her space. But I could not get myself to leave if she did not ask me to.

I could not help but wonder if she had meant her words to some extend. After all I had kinda forced myself into her life the day I had confronted her with her eating disorder. Had I overstepped the line back then? Maybe I had only wanted to believe that I was good for her. Considering that she was barely hanging out with her friends anymore I might as well be a bad influence.

What was I even doing?

I had to go. My own emotions were overwhelming me more by the second. One wrong step and I would break down as well. I could not support Tasneem like that.

But my body just did not move.

So instead of running away, I hid my face on my knees.

My tears were silent. You had to learn that skill when your mom was talking you down for getting emotional.

Luckily Tasneem was too busy with her own turmoil to notice my state.

After a while her pacing stopped, filling the room with silence.

“I want to binge so badly right now”, Tasneem confessed, making me lift my head to look at her.

“I'm sorry”, she uttered, her voice beginning to crack. “I know I hurt you. I … I didn't mean to. Well I did, but not really. I … ugh! I'm just a total mess.”

She winced when she spotted my tears.

I did not know what to say. She was right. How was I supposed to react?

Tasneem took that question from me by continuing: “I hate myself. I … You shouldn't have to put up with me. It feels like I'm just using you.”

“Why do you love me?”, I wondered.

She was taken off guard by my question.

“Sorry, I … I shouldn't have asked you in such a situation. You're way too upset to think about it right now”, I retreated quickly, fearing her answer or rather the lack of it.

“Of course I love how kind and considerate you are, although I just talked that down. I … I love how you're always there for me, how you manage to make me smile even on the bad days. I love that you're making me a better person in a way that I don't lose myself still. But that's all way too general”, she stated.

Her pacing had stopped as she was standing in front of me, still some distance between us though.

“I love how you always manage to trip over our carpet despite being here basically all the time. I love how you are walking around while brushing your teeth. And how you just start singing without even noticing. Honestly it's insane that some of your quirks make me smile instead of annoyed”, she confessed.

Now I could not decide between feeling upset and overjoyed. Great …

“I love you, too, Tasneem”, I assured her. “And I want you to be able to come to me anytime, but you have to talk to your therapist about all of this. Please.”

“I will”, she promised. “I don't want my life to go back to the way it was before. Before you were in it.”

“Me neither”, I agreed.

As soon as I attempted to get up she was holding her hands out to me. A peace offering.

I let her pull me up and onto the bed with her. She was not restless anymore, but back to holding me in her arms.

“Do you remember when you realized that I wasn't alright either? That I was just great at masking it?”, I wondered.

“Yeah, of course”, she claimed.

“You make my world brighter as well. This relationship isn't a one-way street. You've helped me so much to deal with Layan's death. Without you I would have drowned in my sorrow. Please, don't ever forget that”, I remarked.

Despite such dark moments between us thanks to all our old and more recent wounds, that was simply a fact. We were simply better together. And I was hoping as much as I could that it would stay that way even in the distant future.

The End

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It's kinda ironic to finish this story after eight chapters. After all it wasn't even meant to become a series. It was a Oneshot I just couldn't let go. Now I do have to let go. I hope you all loved this story just as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Tag List: @sunwoniie

[thecreaturecabin]

The struggle of endless possibility - Rant

The annoying part of working on your own creative projects is that you have no control over when you want to work on them. I'm beyond thankful that I don't have a deadline to reach, and I can work on this at my own pace- because days like today make it hard to even think about the world that exists only in my head.

That's why its nice to have multiple projects to work on. But that's where I meet my struggle: endless possibility.

That sounds dumb, so let me explain.

Endless possibility can be as restrictive as it is freeing. When I have endless possibilities, my brain doesn't know where to start. I get overwhelmed with choice and the weight of the butterfly effect-  even if the change I make to a world is minuscule, the end result of adding that small change could be gargantuan. 

There's two stories I've been working on that are both about a year old. One of which; A Story featuring characters I've had for nearly a decade. The other, relatively new and without any restriction- new characters with no previous expectation of what they should look or act like. 

The first one is my main focus, my brain child, and is often the one I think about the most- but because of how often I think about it I run into burnout. When I hit that burnout, I focus on the other story. But because of how new the story and characters are, I almost find it difficult to write.

There's endless possibilities with this world and I don't know where to start. I can't even properly decide what genre I want it to be, and that's a pretty substantial thing to change halfway through! 

I find it kind of funny. The reason I struggle to write this story is because of how much opportunity there is. How ironic is that?

I have to say it's pretty refreshing to have two stories that I'm working on simultaneously that are so very different from each other- in multiple ways.

One story features characters I've had near and dear to my heart for years on end, the other one featuring characters that I'm pretty new to- and I'm still getting to know.

But additionally, the way I go about writing these stories is very different as well. the first one is almost completely thought out- I've only just started writing the scripts but I know how the entire plot is going to work. I can't say the same for the second one! I barely know how I want that story to start let alone finish- and don't even get me started on the center of the sandwich. but as difficult as it is to write because of how fresh of a story it is, it's incredibly refreshing when I need to take a break from my main project. I'm not sure what will ever happen to these characters, but it's nice to revisit them once my brain gives me a second to breathe.

It doesn't bother me-  if it did, I'd talk about it with a therapist- not on Tumblr.

These are just some thoughts that I have that I think are interesting and want to share- but I'm not sure who specifically. so I'll put it out into the world for whoever needs to hear it. that's kind of why I like social media as a whole actually, and why I miss making content- but that's a different rant.

I suppose I could count this as an experiment as well- I'm trying to see if it feels good to share things like this (good in a healthy way, one that promotes healing. not good in an unhealthy coping mechanism way).

Merci et bonne journée, à bientôt.

[asteral-feileacan]

Sorry, I pressed a button and sent you that last ask before i finished it Can you delete it? That line you mentioned in your last answer, where Bucky says "I remember every kill"- just doesn't make sense in terms of the continuty. Wasn't his memory wiped between every mission specifically so he couldn't remember? Also, if you are passing so much electricity through the brain of a human that they are literally screaming in agony and have to have a mouthgaurd put in to stop them biting their own tongue off with the pain--- that is going to have serious effect on their brain and body.

If the guy who had that done to him says he can remember everything then either:

a) The torture didn't work or

b) He's actually lying: was saying that he remembered it a condition of his pardon, or something? I agree: the way his trauma was treated - just wasn't great. In the first couple of episides, it seemed like it was being addressed- but then they seem to have forgotten about it and got caught up in the whole catching the terrorists storyline, and then the racial inequality storyline with Sam. The final scenes with Bucky telling that sweet old Japanese guy what happened to his son seemed to be added as an afterthought when they deserved *much* more time. Bucky was clearly deeply upset just at the memory: his voice was cracking and he sounded like he was going to start crying. We should have seen more of the reaction and the impact.

it seems to me that if he was *that* distressed at just reliving the memory of one kill he could not have remembered all of them because it would have overwhelmed him and probably tipped him over the edge. ...and the therapist. Just don't get me started. I hate the way that the show treated therapy as something that was either funny or annoying. Can we just for *once* see a male character going to therapy and it being depicted as a positive or beneficial experience? Instead of just denying or ignoring their trauma and internalizing it.

Honestly, the problem is writers who don't understand how PTSD works, don't know how trauma impacts people, and don't understand that men not admitting how much they are hurting isn't being "strong".

Done, no worries!

"If the guy who had that done to him says he can remember everything then either: a) The torture didn't work or b) He's actually lying: was saying that he remembered it a condition of his pardon, or something?"

Personally? I think it's both to some extent. I always think of it more as, there has to be a reason that Hydra had to keep performing the brainwashing/conditioning, and keep using the trigger words to keep him at bay. He's a super-soldier, and has the healing factor, so he'll recover far quicker and more effectively than anyone else subjected to the conditioning. Where a non-super-soldier might not have even survived, Bucky did, and I think it's very telling that as soon as he stops getting the conditioning, he starts remembering things.

So despite all of the work and pain that Bucky has had to do to even begin undoing this damage, Hydra's methods had cracks in them, and that's why Bucky's able to remember things. Even with that, there was still extensive damage, and maybe he really doesn't remember as much as he claims. Again, to go back to my previous responses, this is a guy who was reduced to a state where he couldn't, wasn't allowed to, remember who he was, and in the wake of that, has not been given the help he needs and fears he's a monster.

Then there's the dreams. We know he has dreams, nightmares of the people the Winter Soldier killed, and we know they're extremely vivid. I can't really say whether he remembers names, but he for sure remembers their faces, and that's already bad enough.

And as for the distress of remembering all those kills in THAT level of detail - that's exactly why Bucky desperately needs real and competent psychological aid. Even if he doesn't remember every single kill, he clearly remembers a significant amount of them, which is hardly any better. Maybe he's already had a point where he's been overwhelmed by his memories and has since had to defend himself against them? The other option is that that point hasn't happened, but it's going to happen, because, well, the only thing that's changed is that he has people to support him now - he hasn't made other progress in terms of his mental health and the only other good thing going for him is that I assume he doesn't go back to that therapist.

Exactly. The show not only doesn't give Bucky a chance, it flat out refuses to allow him to be vulnerable and open when it matters. I can think of three scenes where that happens; the first is him telling Yori what happened to his son, the second is his talk with Sam when they're throwing the shield back and forth, and the third is that one from the dual therapy session ("If he was wrong about you then he was wrong about me."). There may be more, I haven't seen TFATWS in a while, but these are the ones that stick out to me.

The first WAS quite literally an afterthought. It's like they remembered at the last second about the old man and were like "oh crap", and then shoehorned a 2-3 minute confession scene in THAT THEY DIDN'T EVEN FINISH. Sebastian Stan's acting in that was beautiful and didn't deserve to be cut off in the middle.

The second was a step in the right direction, and it did resolve the tension between the main characters. But they didn't follow through on it, and Sam only barely got past Bucky's flippant facade there and then they were like, "aight we're done".

The third. Oh my god, the third. The potential. And it was never referenced again, iirc. The scene started out so silly, and that sudden tone shift almost saved it, but they chucked it out the window by not following through again and making light of the entire therapy.

Oh yeah - the Isaiah Bradley scene. In my eyes, that was one angry, brutally hurt and bitter character lashing out at another. That's such a good lesson for writers there on building real characters. Isaiah hated Bucky, scorned his attempts to be better, because in his eyes, he was right. Everyone's behaviour makes sense to them, and everyone has reasons for that behaviour, good or bad. It's such a beautiful lesson in building characters' psyche.... or it would be, if it wasn't the view of the people writing the show just trying to belittle Bucky again.

Like, I'm not saying that Bucky doesn't make mistakes of his own, or is a perfect baby boy who can do no wrong, that people need to walk on eggshells around him or that everyone must respect him because his feelings are more important than anything else.

I am saying that he is a trauma survivor who deserves help and love and support in his healing journey, who is not getting that in the capacity that he needs. I am saying that the way this studio treats him is garbage, and the way it expects praise for treating him in that manner is vile.

Honestly, the problem is writers who don't understand how PTSD works, don't know how trauma impacts people, and don't understand that men not admitting how much they are hurting isn't being "strong".

PLEASE. PLEASE say it louder for the people in the back. On top of absolutely everything else, the way they treated Bucky was a massive mockery of male victims.

[squeamishnerd]

The Brights

Chapter 23: Crushes, Part 2

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Link to master post with all chapters

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Armand: I didn't know you worked with this too, Serena.

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Julia: Or you, I'm sorry but I don't know your name, but you're in our yoga class, aren't you?

Keiko: Yes, I'm Keiko.

Serena: We're a bit short on staff.

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Julia: I need advice. I've noticed that my best friend has a crush on me, but I don't feel the same. What do I do?

Armand: Maybe I'm not the best person to ask, I woohooed with my best friend, and we're just friends.

Patina: And I've never been in a relationship.

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Julia: We live together and we celebrated both Winterfest and New Year's Eve together, so it's starting to get a bit awkward.

Armand: Maybe you could just tell them that you've noticed, and that you're not interested?

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Julia: But I don't want to hurt her feelings.

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Armand: Something my therapist has told me is "you choose for you". You shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable about something just because of someone else. Pick the option that would make the situation better for you.

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Julia: I guess hurting her feelings is the only way then…

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Grace: Lin-Z, is it alright if I send you some code to check? It won't compile.

Lin-Z: Of course!

⠀

Lin-Z: Let us see… You missed a semicolon on line 59.

Grace: Thank you!

Lin-Z: You are welc-… *shuts down*

⠀

Grace: Oh? So you're here again, Flower?

Flower: I heard Lin-Z's voice.

⠀

Flower: Sul sul, Lin-Z, how are you doing?

⠀

Grace: Flower, please, they're still not interested in you and they will continue to ignore you until you stop flirting with them.

Flower: And what do you know about flirting!?

⠀

Tomax: If there's someone who knows something about flirting, it would be Grace. Do you know how many partners she has?

Flower: No.

Grace: Let's not turn them into mere numbers.

⠀

Tomax: Point is, she understands boundaries well and can manage several relationships.

Flower: Wait, is that why you lock me out of here so often? You are doing hanky-panky! Ew!

Grace: Don't be so judgemental.

Tomax: You're not the only one who gets locked out every now and then.

⠀

Morgan: I just have to ask, are you not interested in love? Most people are, but you don't seem to be.

⠀

Beren: Not the first time I've heard that. Is it some kind of vibe I give off? Sure, I haven't felt ready for a relationship, but it's not like I'm not interested.

Morgan: Oh, I see…

⠀

Morgan: Who's the lucky one?

Beren: What?

⠀

Morgan: The way you said "haven't felt ready" kinda makes it sound like you're ready now, and maybe even have found someone you like.

Beren: No, I haven't found someone… and I'm not sure if I'm ready for a romantic relationship, but…

⠀

Morgan: Did we just lose to the computer?

Beren: Sorry, I got distracted…

⠀

Beren: Ugh. Why does Morgan have to be so good at noticing things?

⠀

Beren: I'm glad that she was so focused on the game that she forgot that I was in the middle of a sentence though.

⠀

Beren: It's getting so difficult to concentrate on things! Again!

⠀

Beren: Different reason than before, but still annoying. Are other people like this? I'm not used to feeling this desperate.

⠀

Beren: I want my first relationship… -well, hopefully only one, but most people go through more than one in their lifetime, so we gotta be realistic- …But anyway, I want it to be a romantic one, but I don't think I can do that yet.

⠀

Beren: Okay. Focus now.

⠀

← Previous part Next part →

Link to master post with all chapters

[jvstheworld]

My Ted Lasso Re-watch: S1E5 (part 1)

Tan Lines

I love the Higgins family. They are a close nit family who love each other and have a healthy relationship. Do you know how wonderful that is to see? Especially for someone like me who comes from an unhealthy family dynamic.

Poor Ted, hitting your head on metal really hurts. But the best bit is one of the Higgins kids asking 'Is he dead?'

Ted deflecting his worries about his marriage with humour. He looks good in his blue jumper.

I do not like Ted and Michelle's therapist. I don't think I'm alone in saying that.

Ted and Rebecca use 'Oklahoma' on each other when they know the other is in pain. Michelle used it just to talk about all the things Ted did that annoyed her.

It does not surprise me that Ted knows what songs belong to which musical. He probably loves them as much as he loves rom-coms.

Keeley and Jamie broke up within the past 24 hours and he's already moving on. He does not know how to be alone.

The woman Jamie slept with is super chill about his ex having just walked in. She probably likes Keeley more than Jamie, by the sounds of it.

Ted catching the football Jamie kicked was very smooth. Sudeikis previously having been a basketball player helps.

Ted's thing about peanut butter is gross, but having lived with someone who absolutely loves peanut butter, I'm not weirded out by it. Seriously, my previous housemate would put peanut butter on anything if he could, he once put it on pizza. I watched him do it.

The way Ted lights up when he hears Henry's voice warm my heart. He does try to be the best dad he can, even in another country.

Jamie is an idiot while doing the promo shoot. But I am here for Rebecca checking in on Keeley after her break-up.

Yeah, men do give each other offers of employment for random reasons and in random places. It's normal for them to do it. So why can't Rebecca offer Keeley a job? Rebecca knows that Keeley understands PR and brands very well and is clearly good at it, plus she is very personable and business savvy. For Rebecca it makes good business sense to hire Keeley to make her players look good. She does have to keep up the pretense that she wants the club to succeed while she also destroys it.

'I'm sort of famous for being g almost famous.' Pretty much sums up influencers and models really.

[aroaceconfessions]

https://aroaceconfessions.tumblr.com/post/686688214120054784/hey-im-writing-here-because-i-need-advice-and-i

Hi! I’m this anon 👆

First of all I want to thank everyone who answered my original post, you all really helped!

Secondly, I’m here for an update and ulterior advice (sorry if I’m annoying, but I literally have no one else that knows that I’m both aroace and going to therapy, so here we are).

TW: internalized aroacephobia, drinking, therapy.

So, after my previous post I’ve been to therapy a few times. Luckily, the topic of romantic/sexual relationships never came up again because I had more urgent matters to reflect on. And I hadn’t worried about it since literally my last post, but I went to my last session three days ago and once again I had to face this topic. 

For context: I had skipped two weeks of therapy because I’ve been really busy with planning a five months long stay in another country. I’m leaving soon. This week, luckily, everything is calmer so I went to my normally scheduled appointment and everything went well. We focused more on my anxiety because I actually had a few episodes and I wanted to work through them before moving away. 

Because of my imminent departure, however, my therapist took a few minutes at the end of my appointment to give me advice and a small recap of my journey/growth till now (which I REALLY appreciated, don’t get me wrong). However in this recap he also mentioned that he would have liked to talk about non-platonic relationships, but my aroace ass never gave him the opening for it. I found this observation pretty fair actually, seeing as a lot of my journey in therapy focused on relationships, how they define me and what role I tend to assume in them. However, he continued his speech saying something along the lines of: “I want you to take this period [the travel] as an opportunity to explore yourself and your boundaries.To let go. And, why not, to explore [non-platonic] relationships. So if you find a boy you like - or a girl - go for it.”

Basically, he told me slut it out lol

But now I find myself with doubts for my last appointment before leaving the country:

1) Do I actually open Pandora's box and come out to my therapist knowing that I won’t be able to go fully in depth of the issue in just one session? Doing this would allow me to get more “tailored” advice for my stay outside the country and actually work on my anxiety from another point of view (not the non-platonic relationships one he already suggested). But it’s still super scary considering I don’t have a lot of time to explain myself (altough he actually acknowledged the possibility of me being queer!!! “or a girl”). 

2) Second issue. In a fucked up why that I know I shouldn’t even be considering (for myself), what my therapist said makes sense. I feel like in a way he’s right and I should try exploring relationships, but I’m afraid I won’t ever be able to do it on my terms and that scares me because I already went through a “maybe I just need to get drunk enough to not feel repulsed” phase and luckily nothing bad actually happened. But now that I’m on the verge of moving continents and traveling alone I’m afraid I might resolve to that side of me again and go through grief and internalized ace/arophobia again and, man, I honestly feel like crying just at the thought of that. I wish there would be a safe and sure way to have these experiences but it’s either the unsafety of one-night-stands or the risk of losing a friendship because I decided to gamble on it in the hope I would develop romantic/sexual attraction.

I honestly feel so lonely and tired. It seems like this sexuality crisis will never end and like I might always be lying to myself. 

I was so hopeful after my last therapy session, but the more I think about it the more I want to scream.

Sorry for the long post, I hope you all have a nice day! 🧡💛🤍💙

[theoldaeroplane]

anyway

my therapist thinks I am currently dealing with "ambiguous grief" which is when you are unable to receive any closure about a loss (in my case, estrangement). this is probably why i keep getting the overwhelming urge to start crying in the middle of work for no apparent reason! it's annoying!

i read something recently about it being common for trauma survivors to be fine through their 20s and then start to fall apart in their 30s. i also read something recently about how some surveys have found the average age of death for autistic adults is 36. i turned 33 last week so that's fun. on my therapist's advice I am trying to """process""" the grief, which is awkward and confusing and i do not know how to do it. current attempts involve a three hour playlist and a lot of messy drawing.

i think this has arisen now because for the last year and a half I have kind of been in survivor mode. I was burned out on my previous job, got fired from the one I took after that, was unemployed for a while, then wound up somewhere with a shitty toxic boss that actively made me feel like I was living with my parents again. it was so bad I had to quit with no other jobs lined up, so then I was unemployed again. it's only now as I kind of find myself settling into this new job that a lot of this I guess trauma response has started to turn up, as im no longer using all my energy just trying to keep the shitshow running.

ive also been coming to terms with being disabled. i never thought of myself as disabled until now and it's a big mental shift. nothing about *me* changed, apart from gaining a better understanding of myself, but now I realize that ... oh. i guess I've been disabled all along. i suppose it was more akin to turning on a light in the end. it's unpleasant to look at now, but at least I can stop banging my shins into things as often.

as always, stuff is complicated and scary. its at least not all bad, like life usually goes. ive been volunteering at a barn that does therapy work using horses and ive really enjoyed that. i got nice new sneakers last week (work has a dress code) that feel fantastic. the Adderall seems to be working. im poor, but not as poor as I thought, and I have a path out of that. im fortunate to have a good therapist and, for now at least, the ability to see him regularly. my sugar snap peas are growing taller every day. maybe they'll even grow food.

[littlee-sparkle]

Ursa author of Q30D, CY and FTF answered some questions on Reddit

I compiled some of them under the cut, read them if you are interested [SOURCE]

The Flower from Tiamat's Fire:

What inspired you to write Kingu?

It might be funny, but the main inspiration for Kingu was my therapist) when I thought of a man that gives me a feeling of confidence, that can raise me up in moments of need and at the same time be his own strong and independent person, I've realized that he has to be a very wholesome and grown-up person. So I discussed this type of character with my therapist and... here we go)

Speaking of Kingu, do you know yet when the bug on Kingu's route from the August update will be fixed?

I was really hoping that it'll be fixed in a matter of days, but alas, the team decided to move it to the next update.

What do you like most about each love interest in FTF?  

This is a difficult one, so Kingu is like my therapist: comforting and understanding. Niall has these protective vibes, which can be annoying, but at the same time feeling safe is awesome. Iyar is fun to be with and it's amazing to dive into the depths of his soul to find a lot of hidden things. Su is tender and although she tries to pose as a strict mommy, she's basically very in need for love and when she opens up to you it's a whole new world to explore.

What are the zodiac signs of the other 3 LI's and Nikkal's?   

You'll see them in the upcoming cards :D

Will we be able to get more clarification from Kingu about why he called Nikkal as Ningal? Or was his whole explanation about this topic in the last update?

You'll see the backstory and the trauma it left. But they're still due to a talk, yes.

How long ago did Ningal die and how much does Kingu miss her now? Is a that a guilt over what happened to her haunts him still or does he still have feelings for her?

She died about half a century ago. He still misses her, but it's more of a guilt that he cannot let go of. Losing someone is not something new for him, but being the main reason for it is tough for him. As a strong mage and smart person, he was always able to protect the people he loved... till that time. So the question that Nikki asked in the Hubur cave «The way you protected Ningal?» was like a knife in his throat, though she didn't know it and just showed her immature attitude.

FTF is very different from your previous two stories. What was your inspiration for it? 

I was inspired a lot by the Epic of Gilgamesh, but actually writing a high fantasy story was the dream of my life. Having your MC flying around and casting fireballs and having a deep emotional arc at the same time is better than cakes for me :D

Will we see Niall's mother in a flashback? 

We might. She had a big part in him meeting Nikki, so it would be logical to show her.

How long did Niall serve as a general of Enki?

For about 70-80 years, but most of that time he spent outside of the real battles. His initial role was as a builder and keeper of academy, which at that time served a slightly different purpose from the modern one.

What's Niall's favourite colour?

Blue.

Who is your favorite LI in FTF? 

Namtar :D being serious, I don't have a favorite one. Each one of them is a complex and interesting character alas, and I still didn't choose the best one.

How did you come up with each character design in FTF?

Me and my tech designer were thinking that RC needed something new and we should come up with experiment. I'm an anime fan and I wanted us to incline to that side of animation, with vivid colors and impractical clothes and COLORED HAIR sorry :DD we were ready for this experiment to fail (which it did at first), but I'm glad to see more people enjoying it now.

Is Nikkal the reincarnation of Ningal?

Sumerians didn't really believe in reincarnations, so I don't as well. In this story, at least.

Is it hard to think like Kingu, such a powerful and a very old mage, when you're writing about him.. do you like to deep-dive into his head and how he views the world?

When I write his scenes, I try to look at everything as someone who's not triggered. Sometimes I have to discuss these scenes with my therapist so she could give me a view of a grown-up soul. When I don't have a possibility to talk to her, I think of three points: care, freedom and growth. How can I show that he cares, that he loves, but respects and gives freedom of choice at the same time and how can he help her grow at this thing? I's not easy, but I love to see the resulting scenes :D

Will we get more details on Nikkal and her relationship with parents in the next updates? Or we've already seen everything?

We won't see her parents, but there will be a big metaphor that (if I'm lucky and skilled enough) will resolve her parental conflict and give us all a little catharsis.

Will Kingu really add the title "great" to “lady”? Or was it a joke?

Depends on Nikki, but damn that was not a joke :D

How did Shamash hang Kingu on chains on that island if magic doesn't work there?

Shamash didn't need magic to do that. I mean, hanging is a very mechanical process and the shackles work because of the material they're made of (same as the jail Nikki broke in), not because of the magic. And you can always make people do that.

How do you come up with the idea of "Nikkal herself being humorous"?

I'm not ashamed (like hell I'm not, who am I trying to foul here?) to admit that most of the time Nikki is just transmitting my own insecurities or the self-consciousness or just the sarcastic comments I want to give to my characters :D sometimes I just look at the story and be "daaaaaamn, they're so cheesy right now, let me just make Nikki comment on that before I explode with the feeling" :D

What did Nikkal thought about Shady Five before Ethan gone somewhere? 

Nothing in particular. She was taught to respect them and always obey to their will, but as you might notice, she's not very good with authorities, so it's not like she worships them in way some people do.

Did Iyar have any lovers in his human past?

He did.

What does Su think about Nikkal and Ethan? And what category does Shimun belong to (water, air or something else)?

Shimun is water. It doesn't mean that siblings always get one element, it's just how it happened. Su loves Nika and Ethan, Ethan was always more distant, so it's not that easy to grow attached to him, but as for Nika she adores her.

Did Niall have any previous lovers?

Not in a serious way.

What's life like in Ur, the capital? What are some fun things to do (besides watching fire dancers 🥺), the best dishes to eat, and sights to see?

In my imagination Ur is a fun place to be in. There're magic shows and festivals, there're pool parties and duels and the local kinds of balls... unfortunately, most of this stuff is available to rich only, so the poorer districts are mostly left with crowds gathering around a story teller or bards with lutes and dancers or local sports. Still a fun life to have, if you ask me)

Will we see Enki’s flower again? Does it disappear after being used? If we used it to find Ethan in jail, will we be able to use it again?

You'll see the flower again, but only if you didn't use it in the jail. It's a one-time-use thing.

Will Shimun stay at the Academy and wait for his friends to return or will he finally go to help them?

Shimun is not the one to go out of his way to help with global conflicts, though I can't say it's his fault. He was raised by Su to be a person he is now. Still, I do think this is not something we should appreciate and Shimun will face some consequences.

When Niki in the scene with the fireflies was expecting a kiss with Kingu, and he did not kiss her, after which it seemed to her that he was laughing inside, was it her imagination, or did she really feel it?

He's actually very good in picking little social cues, so he knew the way she felt and silently laughed at it (in a kind way, mind you). Unfortunately, he's also good in pretending he's blind and deaf and stupid :D

Which one of your main characters do you like the most?

Nikki is the best by now. She's kid, brave, a little dumb and childish, but curious and willing to dive into anything if this means getting what she wants. When she grows up a bit as a person, she'll be amazing.

Can water mages control blood? 

They could've, but it's a skill that requires a ton of patience and is not widely promoted, obviously, so most of the society doesn't even know it's possible.

Why did Ereshkigal transform into Kingu to trick Nikkal?

She didn't do it on purpose, she just kind of nudged Nikki's imagination to do the job. Kingu was the most logical option for Nikki at the moment, as she didn't know of him being arrested and Niall having an option to come... er... downstairs :D

If Iyar lived in the 21st century, what style of music would he like and listen to? What about Nikki, Kingu, Su and Niall?

I believe, Iyar would go for pop-rock, something like Coldplay and Toto. Kingu is more of a classic and meditation music. Niall would refuse to listen to music as "it messes with your feeling of your body and doesn't help with surrounding awareness". Su would go for Evanescence, System of a Down and Breaking Benjamin.

Does Nikkal suffer/ have memory loss? I've noticed she tends to go through brief flashbacks of her memory.

She went through a lot of trauma, sometimes your brain makes you forget painful or triggering things in order to preserve your psyche.

Nergal's axe was stolen and Ereshkigal wants it back. I wonder does this axe have any sort of magic in it or is it just a memoir for her?

It's a powerful tool, yes, a gift from the Mother herself, but Eri wants it mostly because... well, if my late husband's concubine who is by coincidence my sister would steal the only memory I have of him, I'd also be kind of annoyed :D

How soon can we expect Tiamat to be awakened?

Pretty soon.

When when we will be able to be locked into our LI path?

I plan to start closing the LI paths in a couple of updates.

Can you give us a little hint about the next update? Something interesting to think about.

The fight is going to be epic, though short and very painful.

We know that you're writing a book about the contents of FTF. Are there any plans to translate it to English as well? 

I'm not sure about that :D if there will be a demand, I'll be happy to do that, but as for now I'm going through all the legal stuff and figuring out what I can and what I cannot so we'll see when it comes to that.

About the book you’re writing, what can you tell us about it? Will any of the characters we know appear in it?

I can tell you for sure it's not an easy thing to write :D most of the main characters from RC will appear in the book, we'll also have an LI who's one of our four. However, the events happen in different order, many of original ones are missing and some are added, as I'm no longer tied by the mechanics of the game and can concentrate on character development and... well... spicy stuff with no routes.

What was your first reaction after you see the reaction of fandom when they found FTF would be on 2 seasons only initially...???

I was stunned. It was my office day and when I went around greeting everyone, they were all like "HAVE YOU SEEN THE FANDOM?!". And all the words of kindness and love and support were just too much, it was very hard not to cry throughout the day. FTF wasn't 2 seasons initially, it was 3, it's just that it was shortened after an update or two. I was obliged by NDA to keep this secret, so by the time the fandom got the news I already grieved my share and fought for the book and made everything in my power for the story to live on, so the reaction was like a huuuuuge wave that just knocked me over and made me speechless.

Personal/writer questions:

What made you get into writing?

Vivid imagination and loneliness in a very young age, I think :D and... well... spicy content later on.

What do you like the most and least about writing?

The most is the feeling of reading a well-made scene and knowing you can do this and go beyond this tomorrow. The least favorite are the days when I'm reflecting over a resignation letter because it's easier that making myself write even one comprehensive line.

When you're writing a story, what is the first thing you figure out? Is it the plot, the world, the characters or something else?

It's a detail. Any detail, any scene or a joke or even a feeling. When writing FTF I first saw the dragon rising and a girl standing in front of him in awe and fear and determination. It's a beautiful scene and my heart wanted it so bad that it built a whole world around it.

Do you have any routine you do before starting writing?

(can I include crying here? No? Ok) I like to light a scented candle and very politely ask everyone to leave me the heck alone :D my dog is the only one allowed in the room)

From FTF, CY and Queen in 30 days which story did you feel you wrote the best in story wise and character wise?

FTF, definitely. It has a big idea, a lot of psychology and philosophy and researched put in, not even mentioning me grabbing every other writing course just to become an inch better.

If you could live as the MC in one RC story, who would you be and why?

Agatha in CY would be perfect. I mean... money, respect, all the beautiful people around you! Getting in FTF also could be cool, but... errr... not in the specific time period we're in now)

How did these stories come to your mind? Were you watching a suspense movie and thought a detective story would be a great idea? what about Q30D and FTF?

Q30D was one of the stories requested by YSI. There was a list of topics they needed and I just went through them, wrote a plot or two on each of them and we chose the best one) CY was a result of a crazy brainstorm which included ten cups of coffee and me trying to murder my colleague with a pillow :D FTF was a result of me listening to a song and reading The Epic of Gilgamesh.

Do you horse ride? I love Namtar. He's my favorite character in FTF.

I do dressage since I was 13. I'm 32 now and excluding all the times I tried to stop doing it, it still is a long time, so yeah, I agree with you on FTF horses being a new level of horse-love in RC :D

Queen in 30 days:

Did you originally plan for Leonard to be an LI or was that something that came about as you were writing the story? 

Leo was created not as an LI, but as royal brother with no love scenes. But developing him and seeing the need for love he's in, I realized that it's going to be the biggest waste of this story if I didn't give him a route. Let's say, Leo won it with being such a tender badass. 

Chasing You:

Eve really have tried to seduce Alexander after S2? Even if he is in a relationship with Agatha.

That was the original plan. Eve would try to seduce him, but he would brush her aside unless Agatha went on another LI route. Then he could've try to be with Eve, but by the end of the story they would break up, cause they're like aaaaaabsolutely incompatible

I read somewhere that Alexander's look from CY is based on a real life friend of yours. Does he know that millions of people find him very handsome? 😂

Not only he knows, but most of our friends know :D and he always gets shy when this is brought up, but I know he secretly enjoys it, just like Alex would ;)

How much time it took to write the finale of CY and was cruetly and mercy path were suppossed to have much effect on finale or it was always planned to have less effect on finale?

It took me about a month and about a third of it was code, not the text :") cruelty and mercy have played just the role I assigned them to, no less, no more.

If the main characters in Chasing You were mages in Tiamat, which elements would each of them be a master of?

I believe, Rachel would be earth, Sam and Elliah - air, Alex, Agatha - fire and Eve - water)

[lindwurmkai]

Oh I forgot to mention this here but recently I actually figured out the reason why I sometimes have that seemingly bizarre reaction to other people's benign descriptions of their experiences where I get disproportionately annoyed just because my own experiences are different. (Idk if my post about that still exists; I suspect I may have deleted it)

It's just the tail end of a long chain reaction that started with regularly having my emotions and perceptions dismissed as a child. Later I would frequently describe my internal experiences to all kinds of people from friends to therapists, only to find no one understood what the hell I was talking about. That's why a large part of my time on social media has been spent desperately posting about these things over and over, hoping to find anyone who could relate - because I needed someone to confirm that it was possible for a human to have these experiences. Or I secretly wanted to be challenged so I could at least defend myself. I was already being attacked by my own subconscious after all, and an external opponent would have been easier to defeat.

Unfortunately, during many years of regular oversharing, the most common response I got was total silence though. Sometimes a friend would express sympathy or someone would say they could relate, only to immediately reveal they misinterpreted my words and meant a slightly different experience. It was extremely rare that I found someone who actually experienced the same thing.

This silence started to feel more and more hostile over time. "No one ever answers me when I ask for advice on here!" "I bet they all think I'm talking nonsense and they're just too polite to say it!" "Come at me already! Tell me why you think my experiences are fake or morally wrong!" "Stop ignoring me when I nonconfrontationally point out that my experiences don't match a common narrative; it's tempting me to do it again but in a confrontational tone this time!"

The only thing attacking me was my deeply ingrained mistrust of my own perceptions though. I didn't even consciously feel like I was doubting myself half the time, I was just preparing for battle with some theoretical person who would surely emerge from the woodworks any moment now, or if they didn't, well, then they were clearly a coward. 😐

Once this had happened a few times in relation to a specific subject, any mention of that subject that even alluded to a different experience than mine would remind me of the frustration of never getting a response. I would skip straight ahead to the anger I had eventually ended up feeling the previous times. "This shit again. I bet if I said something, I'd be ignored as usual."

(I'm sure it doesn't help that I used to have friends who would literally ignore me, in direct conversation, because they didn't feel like explaining why they were mad at me or thought a question I'd asked was stupid. My mother did that, too.)

Unfortunately this makes me sound like the villain in that "hi! Most annoying person you've ever met here" meme, but that's not how I usually address these things. I'll either make my own post or reblog with an addition along the lines of, "This is fascinating because I experience the exact opposite. Does it work that way for anyone else here??"

But because I don't get any responses, sometimes the silliest things turn into huge pet peeves very fast. Next thing I know I'm in the notes of every post about the subject that crosses my dash, searching for that one person who is expressing disagreement or confusion for the same reasons as mine. But I'm afraid even when I find one, and see that they're being ignored, it's still not much of a comfort. The need to have my perceptions confirmed as Real, Possible Human Experiences by just one person has suddenly morphed into the need to be acknowledged by those who feel differently.

Perhaps at that point it's about wanting permission to continue having that experience. Permission to exist. But I cannot stress enough how often the subject matter is something completely silly where morals shouldn't even enter the equation! And I'm thirty-six. I can't help but feel like I should be much more mature and well-adjusted by now. The way people my age sometimes talk about younger people can ironically set off this phenomenon as well because it makes me think I can't be a real person who exists if I relate more to the teenager being criticized than the person my age who's doing the criticising and making it about being young like that explains it.

Is it any wonder the form of dissociation I experience most often is depersonalisation? On reflection, no.