#i think the existential fear that people have of Not Partnering specifically is so. well.

[knifearo]

being aromantic is like. hey btw you're going to live a life that is the culmination of most of society's worst nightmares. sorry lol ✌️ but then you turn around and take a really good hard look at it and it turns out that living in that nightmare is fucking awesome and you get to wake up every day and take that fear that other people have and laugh and hold it close until it's a great joy for you instead. and being happy is a radical act that you define instead of someone else. and you're sexy as fuck that's just a fact of life i don't make the rules on that one

[aurora-313]

Another thing that amazes me about Bleach; about Shounen in general, but Bleach specifically: Despite being a teenager, Ichigo somehow found it in his heart to forgive his guardians and caretakers for lying to him his entire life.

Think about this for a minute;

Imagine you're Ichigo. You grew up believing you were human - albeit an extraordinarily gifted one. Then when you're 15-16, in the face of the worst enemy you've fought to date, you discover the hard way that you're not completely human. You're a human-shinigami hybrid with a dash of hollow spliced in. A fact proven when your Shinigami father - apparently a former Captain - swoops into the fray to save you from... talking?

You don't have time to process this event because there's more pressing concerns to handle, but the revelation has thrown you off your game. A tiny part of you has sunken into an existential spiral of doubt, wondering what else in your life you've been lied to about.

Then, in the face of that same enemy, your recently-revealed Shinigami father forces you to learn a technique that sacrifices all of your powers and a portion of your soul - the very things that give your life meaning. You do it because you've been convinced there's no other option and you're too emotionally distraught (and emotionally blackmailed) to even entertain the idea of saying no.

Then a couple years later, you discover, no, you're not human at all and never were. You're a Shinigami-Hollow-Quincy hybrid. A fact you only discover through the enemy's head honcho, who reveals himself to be your great times X grand sire.

Only after you've been thoroughly humiliated in trials organised by the High Lords of the Shinigami, trials they knew you'd fail, after you fought so valiantly to defend them against their new enemy, your father decides to come clean, all the while goading you with your own ignorance.

That intense conversation reveals the true species and fate of your mother, validating that tiny legitimate fear you've had since learning your father's true nature; your entire life is built on a lie.

In addition to that, the horrible tragedy that haunted your days since you were nine years old wasn't your fault in the slightest. Your father knew that with absolute certainty but did nothing to alleviate your guilt, which could've led to you healing that scar sooner. Instead he chose to allow you to continue believing your self-destructive lie, knowing full well what it was doing to you psychologically.

The entire conversation serves as proof the adults in your life, whom were entrusted with raising, caring and protecting you, knew the truth about what you were even before your conception, but did absolutely nothing to prepare you for what such a life would entail.

Even back when you were first thrust into your powers, those same "guardians" did the absolute bare minimum to prepare you before tossing you into the jaws of death over and over again as a convenient superpowered cudgel to solve messes they created.

And what's the cherry on top of this bullshit sundae? The being you're supposed to trust above all else, your own zanpakutou partner... isn't your zanpakutou. Its a parasite that's manipulated you against the one person - the only person - who has never lied to you, for its own selfish ends. And somehow it expects to be allowed to remain in your soul, thanks to shedding some crocodile tears.

That is Ichigo's life.

He has been lied to. He's been manipulated. His entire perception of self and reality has been shattered over and over again. And he's been fundamentally betrayed by everyone whose supposed to care and protect him. In the face of all that, a teenager like Ichigo would not be accepting. He should be angry. He should be furious. He should want nothing to do with these people anymore.

In the face of all this; I would've preferred if Ichigo went through the TYBW arc with the angry attitude of "this is the last thing I do for any of you. Once this war's over, I'm disappearing off the face of the planet because I refuse to associate with any of you again." because any teenager who had their trust so thoroughly betrayed on so many levels would.

[lxghtbound]

𝐋𝐀𝐘𝐄𝐑 𝐎𝐍𝐄: 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐎𝐔𝐓𝐒𝐈𝐃𝐄.  

name:  Scout-23.

eye color:  orange n pink hehe

hair style / color:  well, he doesn’t have hair. so.

height:  6′ exactly.

clothing style:  always has to have something with a hood. aside from that, he’s pretty flexible with what he likes to wear, though usually it’s something comfy like a hoodie if he’s not in his armour and doesn’t have his cloak

best physical feature:  uh, everything? obviously.

𝐋𝐀𝐘𝐄𝐑 𝐓𝐖𝐎: 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐈𝐍𝐒𝐈𝐃𝐄.  

your fears:  spiders. and being left behind. and the existential dread of ‘what if i outlive all my friends?’ because even if he lost his ghost he’d still be an exo who could theoretically function for many years to come. and also drowning.

your ambitions for the future:  hopefully? to get better. to keep being better and to never fall to what he was before.

𝑻𝑯𝑶𝑼𝑮𝑯𝑻𝑺.  

your first thoughts waking up:   “Ugh...”

what you think about before bed:  “Time for blanket burrito-- I hope I haven’t forgotten anything for tomorrow.”

what you think your best quality is:  definitely his charm. he likes being able to talk his way out of situations as well as win people over.

𝑾𝑯𝑨𝑻’𝑺 𝑩𝑬𝑻𝑻𝑬𝑹?  

single or group dates:  “Depends on who’s involved, is it a romantic date or just a fun friend thing? Don’t really care either way, both can be fun, but sometimes you just wanna spend time with one person, y’know?”

to be loved or respected:  “...Respected-- no, loved-- no--...I don’t know.”

beauty or brains:  “Uh, have you seen me? I think it’d be unfair for me, as a Hunter, to say anything other than beauty. I mean personality matters overall but y’know.”

dogs or cats:  “You can’t make me pick between them.”

𝑫𝑶 𝒀𝑶𝑼…  

lie:  “No.” He’s lying right now, sarcastically.

believe in yourself:  “Hell yeah, ‘m a Gunslinger, wouldn’t get me anywhere without confidence!”

believe in love:  “Absolutely!”

want someone:  “Also yeah. Definitely. I love havin’ people around who care about me, ‘n’ I care about them. I know this is probably about romance, but same goes for friends.”

𝑬𝑽𝑬𝑹 𝑩𝑬𝑬𝑵…  

been on stage:  “Yeah! Plenty times. ‘S not that scary.”

done drugs:  “Also yeah. I’ve done some different stuff, don’t really remember much from any of it.”

changed who you were to fit in:  “Nothin’ massive, I don’t think. Obviously I’ve kept a few details about me to myself, but I don’t think that’s changin’ who I am. Just...obscurin’ the truth a little.”

𝑭𝑨𝑽𝑶𝑹𝑰𝑻𝑬𝑺.  

favorite color:  “Orange. Though I love all the Fall colours, anythin’ warm.”

favorite animal:  “I dunno...snakes are cool. I like rabbits ‘n’ hares too.”

favorite movie:  “Anythin’ aside from horrors.”

favorite book:  “Hah. Feel like as soon as the Warlocks hear this I’m gonna get scoffed at, but I can’t say I read a lot on my own.”

favorite game:  “Video game? There’s a whole lot I like. Regular game? There’s this one we made up, we get thrown in the air by a Titan. That’s all. It’s fun.”

𝑨𝑮𝑬.  

day your next birthday will be:  “Couldn’t say when I was rezzed, Cyclone doesn’t know either. Also have no idea when my real birthday is, maybe I should pick one for myself finally...”

how old will you be:  “‘S rude to ask a guy his age.”

age you lost your virginity:  “Ahah, wouldn’t you like to know?”

𝑰𝑵 𝑨 𝑷𝑬𝑹𝑺𝑶𝑵.  

best personality:  “I think...anyone who’s patient. I know I can be difficult, ‘specially with emotions ‘n’ shit, so yeah. Anyone who can put up with that is a saint. But I also love people who’re energetic, or at least chatty. Though...can’t say I haven’t found myself gravitating toward the exact opposite too, hah.”

best eye color:  “Eh. Doesn’t really matter. I think green’s nice, but I also think Exos ‘n’ Awoken have an unfair advantage against humans with all the fancy colours.”

best hair color:  “Also doesn’t matter to me, though any cool colours are definitely fun.”

best thing to do with a partner:  “Just hangin’ out. Don’t think you gotta do anythin’ specific, just somethin’ where you’re both happy.“

𝑭𝑰𝑵𝑰𝑺𝑯 𝑻𝑯𝑬 𝑺𝑬𝑵𝑻𝑬𝑵𝑪𝑬.  

i love:  “My pack.”

i feel:  “A little lost. ‘M sure things’ll get clearer but I still don’t really know what to do with myself.”

i hide:  “A lot. ‘Bout myself. What I know ‘bout my past.”

i miss:  “Feeling like I could fight a God and win. Everything feels so...difficult now.”

i wish:  “I could change things.”

tagged by: stolen from @empodio hehe

tagging: steal from me too

[iamheadphones]

June 5, 3027

Robin was about to say something before Maya stopped them. “Robin please no.” Elliot turned to his little siblings. “It has something to do with the birds and the bees, that’s all you're getting now Laura please continue.” Elliot said, trying to change the subject. “I agree with Elliot.” Kris said, slightly fearful. “Thank you lastly I want to go over the people it would affect. And this is where Sam, Kris. Your prank would have backfired miserably. You see the story Kris gave me was they were thinking Nora might be cheating on them. So they wanted me to make a potion to get Nora to admit if she were having an affair or if her feelings towards them had stayed the same, And like I said there are two types of love potions. The love at first sight potion, and the true love potion. The scenario Kris gave me wouldn’t work with a love at first sight potion which is what was needed for the prank. So I did the second option, in other words your prank would have failed.” Laura said. “Aww come on.” Kris whined. “Sorry, but that’s why I need specifics for potions.” Laura said, before Marina spoke. “Also Julia is raising her hand.” Laura looked down to see Julia who was raising her left hand. “Yes Julia.” Laura said. “What if the person who drinks the person doesn't have a crush, or a girlfriend, or a boyfriend?” Julia asked. “Actually she brings up a good point. What happens if an aromantic person drinks a romantic love potion?” Emily asked. “Lucky for you I have the answers to both. First of all, Julia's question. The potion will still have an affect on the person just not in the way people would expect. You see if the person drinks it and they don’t have a crush, or a romantic partner they’ll just start crying and be really sad and questioning a lot of stuff. For the rest of us who know fancier words we’d call that a mental breakdown, or an existential crisis. Which would probably result in one of us bringing you to your parents house, and even if Elliot did have a crush and that person is in the house we’d probably have to leave.” “Why?” Robin asked. “Well like I said the type I made would make the drinker too close for comfort, and while he’d be all over them he’d also be very protective and obsessive over them. Next is Emily’s question. First you four don’t know what aromantic means.” Laura said, looking down at Elliot’s little siblings. Who all of them shook their heads. “Well an aromatic person is someone who doesn’t really feel romantic love, and doesn’t really want it either.” Laura said. “Like Chase.” Ella said. “Or Chase is just acting how quite a few boys do when they're ten or eleven and think romance is weird.” Rain said. “I’d go with the second option. I was like that when I was around his age and I’m in a relationship.” Dave said as he looked over at Laura and smiled. Laura blushed as she looked at him. Before the two were interrupted by Chase making a gagging noise. Elliot let out a laugh. “Definitely the second option.” Elliot said. “Also Chase some advice. You can do what your brother did in high school and break them up by making a comment about the floor.” Kris suggested. “What do you mean by in  high school I literally did it to Lapis and Marina yesterday.” Elliot said. “He actually did.” Lapis said.“What about my question?” Emily said. Laura looked at her a little confused before recalling what was asked. “Oh right. The potion wouldn’t have any effect on them. It doesn’t matter which one you give them. It doesn’t matter how strong it is. It doesn’t matter how long it lasts. It’ll be the basic equivalent of drinking water.” Laura answered. “Oh that’s cool.” Emily said. “Even the potions have respect for the aro’s.” Kris said. “Speaking of potions, all of your rights to ask for potions have been taken away. Unless any of y’all have a good excuse that you can backup nobody gets one.” Laura said as she grabbed the love potion while a whine was heard from a few people in the house. “Now if you excuse me I have a potion to dispose of.” Laura said as she walked back to her room.

[hellomynameisbisexual]

Article by Amelia A. J. Foy

Happy Bisexual Visibility Day! On this day, we celebrate ourselves as bisexual people in a world that often overlooks our community in both a heteronormative sense and as a part queer culture. Despite the B in LGBTQ+ standing for bisexual and our long history in the fight for queer liberation, we are often left out of narratives surrounding LGBTQ+ issues and experiences. For example, you’ve probably never seen a coming-of-age story where the character is discovering their bisexual identity in the same way you have movies like Love, Simon or the plethora of other straight films about young romance. This is because bisexuality is often framed as being both gay and straight; however, the issues our community faces are unique to bisexual+ people (those who are multi-gender attracted) and, whilst I definitely saw myself in Love, Simon and cried my eyes out, it did not wholly encapsulate my experience.

Seeing actual bisexual representation in the media now warms my heart, but it is few and far between: actually getting it right is even rarer. Sure, Glee had a bisexual character when I grew up watching it, but her ex-girlfriend then gets with a lesbian and says, “now I don’t have to worry about my girlfriend straying for penis”, so it didn’t really do much for me. Especially as a young, confused teenager.

This is why we need visibility. Now, visibility is not the be-all-end-all of our liberation or acceptance into culture. Visibility can often come at the price of facing more danger and being hypervigilant, and places the onus of acceptance on marginalised people not “putting themselves out there” more. Many bisexual people also aren’t visible for many reasons, one of which being for their own safety, and another being that we are often read as either gay or straight based on our partnering at the time. It erases a massive part of our experience.

However, this is why visibility is particularly important to the bisexual community. Bi-erasure and invisibility is linked to the rates of poor mental health within our community specifically, because it is a unique challenge we face. Then, if we come out, we face exclusion from queer and heterosexual spaces alike, and social exclusion is also correlated with worse mental health. In fact, bisexual people face higher levels of anxiety, depression and suicidality than not just heterosexual people, but lesbian and gay people, too. We also encounter higher rates of sexual assault/harassment, which is particularly problematic considering many of our stereotypes centre on our “greediness” and “promiscuity”. Yet, despite a plethora of research showing us to be the most vulnerable sexual minority community, our issues are neglected, belittled and written off. Most people don’t even know how much we are suffering.

Growing up bisexual was a big confusing mess as a result. I came out seven years ago, aged 14, to the immediate reaction of “it’s a phase” from my family, meaning that I had to navigate this self-discovery on my own, quietly. Throughout the next few years, I encountered a slew of biphobic remarks and experiences:

“I turned you bisexual.” Ah, yes, I couldn’t have liked girls for ages and repressed it due to compulsory heterosexuality. That would be ridiculous. It must be your godlike attraction.

“I wouldn’t marry a bisexual because what if they wake up and want a man?” I was definitely about to propose to you in the middle of history class, so thanks for letting me down gently.

“But you’ve never dated girls before.” My nerdy ass hadn’t dated anyone before. Thinking back on this one, how weird is it to demand a 14- or 15-year-old to have a dating history to idenitify as bisexual?

“You’re too young to know.” Cool, but all the straight kids know they’re heterosexual from the jump, right?

Being in a queer toxic relationship and having no idea where to go because there were no resources for LGBTQ+ students and I had no adult support network because I was bisexual in a queer relationship… Can I get a yikes?

“Is the correct term bisexual or desperate?” Men get so mad when you’re bisexual and not into them, don’t they?

“Bisexuals are just confused.” Yes! We are! Coming out as a sexuality that is severely underrepresented and misrepresented, even in LGBTQ+ spaces, and being told by these same spaces all the ways in which you don’t belong, really sucks! It makes you doubt yourself! I was confused, and I couldn’t express it out of fear of validating this stereotype!

“I don’t think you’re really bisexual.” Well, we’ve been lipsing for months so that sounds more like a you problem to me.

“Want a threesome?” If I wanted disappointing sex I’m sure I could find it somewhere else, thanks.

Right at the start, these kind of things sent me way down into existential crisis and had me questioning my identity. I was alone, scared and confused. I felt an overwhelming pressure to just know my identity and an overwhelming pressure to fit in, and I had no resources to help me.

Bisexual teens are less likely to have access to safe spaces and supportive adults than lesbian or gay people, and that was definitely my experience. If I had just one adult to talk to at school - a counsellor or someone who ran an LGBTQ+ club, anyone - I could have avoided a lot of toxic situations and had more confidence in who I was.

Now that I have a social support network and I’m an out and proud adult, it doesn’t bother me too much. But I know how badly these kind of things can impact you, especially as a young person, and so does the research. If you are a young bisexual person, please know that you are not wrong, not indecisive, not greedy and you do not deserve any level of abuse or belittlement. I support you and there are places and spaces that will support you, too. Here’s a few online places (sorry for the UK focus!):

Bi.org

biresource.org

londonbipandas

Bicommunitynews.co.uk - particularly this page to find local bi+ meet-ups and events in the UK & Ireland

[canismaxim-games]

Hmm, do the ros of werewolf noir have any romantic preferences in a partner? Like what specifically do they look for in a partner

Ooo this one's interesting, just a TW tho, Werewolf Noir is a dark noir story and as such this topic will bring up serious things such as having to suffer through fantasy racism (specifically for the hunter because "demon"), existentialism, derealization, as well as depression. So please take care of yourselves. I'm doing research and looking to portray these issues as respectfully as I can and am always open to discuss how I can be doing it better as well <3

that being said here's what the Ro's look for in a partner.

The Hunter: I think the hunter is just mainly looking for someone who isn't outright scared or freaked out when learning that the hunter is a demon/infernal creature. A big problem for Infernal races in WN is there are still people who will use their religious beliefs as justification to be downright detestable to others but especially demons. Now this particular problem is a lot better now than it was when the reveal that "monsters" do exist and want to integrate into "normal" society instead of hiding in forests and caves, but there are always going to be terrible people and the Hunter is just tired of it. They want someone who's gonna look at them and grin, someone who won't be to scared to hold hands in public, someone who treats them like a normal person and not something to be hidden or only being public if Hunter wears a human glamor. Mainly they're seeking comfort and reassurance.

The Ghost: Having been dead for a bout fifty years now I don't think they've actually thought about what they want in a partner for a long time. Being a ghost is very different than being alive, there's only the faint memory of touch, taste is only something to experience when inhabiting a body, you just feel empty, like a shadow of what you used to be. It's why many ghosts end up becoming poltergeists or violent. They coudln't figure out how to move on and they couldn't handle being like this, existing but not at the same time. The Ghost is just a little bit different. Instead of just being stuck in their place of death, they continued their work, being a doctor and patching people up. It was a very good distraction and instead of asking for payment they just asked for people to keep their supplies stocked, maybe keep them up to date with current times and medical practices. What makes an ideal partner for them is just someone who makes them feel again. Someone who can help them find that spark of life that you lose upon death, someone who finds enjoyment or solace in the little things like the sound of rain when you're already feeling low, or how the right candle can make a scantly furnished apartment feel like a true home, someone who hums without actually realizing they do it while they work.

The Burglar: The Burglar is demiromantic and hasn't really thought about a romantic partner since they were turned ages ago. So they're not really seeking anything consciously. They can handle flirting no problem, its when someone gets worried for them after they get hurt, or just soft things like getting them a present or trusting them enough to fall asleep on them, small things like that to make them realize this isn't just a physical attraction, that it's growing into something more and they genuinely care for said person. They'll definitely fluster and fumble when it comes to things like that.

The Loner: They've been through heartbreak before so they're hesitant to throw themselves back into a relationship. They're very sweet and optimistic, but they're nervous. They want someone they can spoil and make smile everyday, but they also understand that sort of comes from a place of rejection. I think what they look for is a kindred soul, someone who can understand them and the pain they've been through, someone they can grow with so that they can both be stronger together.

The Detective: Man the Detective hasn't thought about romance or relationships in so long. They've sort of let their work become their whole life, and if they fail a case or don't make headway they start to feel like a failure or useless. They struggle with depression as well and, especially with the cases they take on it's just hard to see the bright side anymore. I think for them, they'd seek out someone who understands why they work the cases they do, but someone who can also help them see a brighter side to life? Not like "everythings sunshine and rainbows" but like someone to curl up next to after a long day and make them feel safe, someone who'll run their fingers through their hair and watch some shitty 1950's alien movie with them, someone who won't yell at them for not being perfect

The Spouse: Simple, the Spouse has always just been looking for a best friend. They want their partner to be someone they can have fun with, someone they can vent to, someone they can trust, someone to be goofy with without fear of getting judged. They just want to be themself and to be loved just the way they are. They might need reassurance now and again that they are good enough, but in the end they're just looking for someone who's going to love them for who they are.

[blvqebird]

With the Venus/ Pluto aspects specifically Trine, that automatically means the person with this in their chart loves HARD and deep but how does one go about moving on??? I have this placement and I struggle a lot knowing it’s toxic but I know when I let go I do completely no turning back. Could you explain the dynamic of obsession and how to detach with this aspect?

How to Let go of Plutonic ties

Pluto is the part of us that we choose to bury not acknowledge. Our unconscious. What fuels our passions, what we deeply want and what we deeply crave but aren’t aware of it. The hidden parts of ourselves. The battery pack of our chart. The energy that sits in the background that controls everything in the foreground. And we’re under the impression that we’re in control when it’s really that shadow side of you that running on all cylinders. Humans are funny like that– we swear that we’re conscious and rational people when that’s not the case at all. We are very much motivated by our unconscious desires and are inherently irrational because we base so much on our fears feelings and instinct regardless of how logical we think we are.

Obsessions are simply an imbalance. An imbalance of our batterypack working overtime. Too much of Pluto’s energy hyper focused in one area. 

Or one Person. 

[Think Spirit bomb hitting Frieza.]

Obsession is hyper-charged desire on overdrive. Now, there’s nothing wrong with obsession. A good amount of it in a relationship I feel is healthy. Who doesn’t want to be the only girl/guy in our partners mind? However, the real problem breeds when this hyper-charged desire turns into hyper-charged fantasies that we pin on another. This results in the obsession [unconscious] taking control of the rational mind. We one-track- mind ourselves into thinking that this one thing/person is the only person who can give us what we want… what we feel we need. We refuse any other truth and of course you will? Pluto can feel very similar to Saturn’s glue-like hold. What we have to realize is the other person is not the only source of your happiness– even if your unconscious mind is latched to that idea.

 Love is something that takes some time to develop.

 Infatuation can come suddenly, yes, but real love takes energy and proximity. True love is born out of a desire to give without expectation. Toxic Plutonic love is based on a deal. Pluto rules other people’s resources and you better believe we are after something when Pluto is heavily involved. We want more drug. We want to feel good about ourselves in the company of that beautiful, sexy obsession. We want them to see how much we want them, how much we would give up for them, we want them to know how gorgeous we think they are, we want, we want. Plutonic obsession/imbalances are about ‘want’,

not real love.

It is about covertly satisfying our own needy egos. That’s it. That is why the rush feels so good….it is personally satisfying. We get this idea that if that beautiful object of our affection would just return our love then we would be whole, happy, we could finally move on from this pain of longing and wanting because they would have made us happy. All of this happiness we want comes from them. We are looking to the object to provide our happiness when we are obsessed. We want them to fulfill our ego requirements, and good god– it fucking feels like love.

IF ONLY THEY WOULD LOVE US… 

Pluto makes you see potential in a person. What is there but needs to be refined, cut and polished, like a raw diamond.

Pluto will make you project. Especially the parts of yourself that you need to develop. You’ll see that potential in another and try to love it through them instead of yourself. Pluto can be symbiotic like that.

You have to turn that unconscious energy on yourself and retract it from the other. That’s the first step to detachment/ The second is:

Develop grounding habits.

That includes meditation. Meditation will strengthen the other parts of your mind– the Pluto muscle is well flexed and when we only work him out, the other muscles in our mind become atrophied.

You have to train the other parts of your brain to work in tandem. You also have train those other parts of your psyche to find pleasure from other appropriate sources. Let’s face it– there’s no getting rid of Pluto. No shutting him off. It would be a disaster to try to shut him down. Because disabling Pluto will disable your engine. So instead of trying to shut off the un-shuttable [new word] train your other muscles to work in harmony with him.

Pluto is very existential and you need to utilize more of the venus aspects here. Things that are very much about the senses. The tangible. Things like art, our creative juices, luxuries, etc. This is why many people focus on their features/ work out after breakups. Why we focus more on our money. Why we indulge in comfort foods. Why our art becomes so fueled with passion– our writing is more raw, our music more honest, our photographs hold more detail. Pluto can have you living in the feeling of inertia. That’s because his energy is fixed. But at the same time, Pluto rules change. So often you’ll see this entrenched part of us not willing to budge, fighting off tooth and nail to stay the same, while our higher self is sticking its fingers down our throat forcing us to purge. That’s Pluto. The part fighting that part that has to be forced or propelled to die off so that something new can take its place. Something better for you.

So moral of the story is– don’t be ashamed of this aspect. [The trine is actually easier to handle than the squares/conjunctions/oppositions.] Pluto wants you to feel. He wants you to embrace and experience that inexplicable lure that you feel in love. That intriguingly eerie, ethereal, or at the minimum a powerful magnetic draw to one another that is mesmerizing and even intoxicating. What’s the point in loving if you don’t love hard? This is the motto of every venus/pluto aspect. Just be sure it’s love and not delusion/infatuation. That’s when the ugly 12th house/8th house stuff shows up.

But once you’ve felt all you can feel–the pain comes when you refuse to grow. When we refuse to let go. You have to allow your self to be reborn when you’ve died from the ashes of what was your last relationship/lover etc. Otherwise, that’s when the toxicity sets in. That’s when love feels like agony. You can’t own people, You can only experience them.

[allthefilmsiveseenforfree]

Girls Just Want to Have Fun

It’s always fun jumping into a movie I know next to nothing about, and this requested review for Wes will be no exception. All I know is that Girls Just Want to Have Fun is an 80s teen romp with the worst photoshopped cover photo I’ve ever seen. It looks like Michael Scott put it together. I know it stars girls, AND I know what those girls want. That’s half your narrative battle right there. So do they achieve the fun they seek? Well...

They do! A lot of weird shit happens along the way, but yeah, fun is had and that’s all that really matters. God, 1985 was a simpler time. I mean, I know everyone was living in constant fear that the Russians were going to invade Kansas and we’d be faced with a neverending nuclear winter, but in the face of all that existential terror you also get movies where the entire pitch is “So there’s this girl (Sarah Jessica Parker) who wants to be a dancer on tv, but her parents don’t want to let her. But she does it anyway! And her partner is chosen for her and, boy, they do not see eye to eye. But then they do! And they have to practice a lot. And then they win the dance contest!” 

You know some studio exec heard that and screamed at his secretary to hold his calls for the day so he could sign the contracts and then do a mountain of blow off them. 

Some thoughts:

It’s so weird to see Sarah Jessica Parker without curly hair! I was never a Sex and the City fan, so my exposure to SJP is purely Hocus Pocus based.

This dance sequence over the credits is incredible. Why do we not have shows anymore that are just a large group of young attractive people dancing in sync? No host, no dialogue, just the power of dance. I was born in the wrong decade. I would have appreciated the shit out of the 80s when I was alive.

Poor Helen Hunt - she must be one of those people who always looked like she was 35, even in high school. Granted, she was 22 when this was filmed and she’s playing a teenager, but still. 

Helen Hunt is wearing dinosaurs in her hair. 80s fashion was on a wavelength that I don’t think any of us living will ever see again.

Omg this rich bitch (Natalie, I guess? She’s not named for at least the first 30 min of the movie) had Claire’s closet from Clueless 10 years before the movie existed! This is already groundbreaking.

NOW SHE HAS A BUG ON HER HAT. A big plastic green grasshopper. This review is mainly going to be about the insane things Lynne (Helen Hunt) wears.

Speaking of - I’m getting big lesbian vibes from Lynne Stone and I am so here for it. The homoerotic tension when she acts like she’s gonna fight the rich bitch? Delicious. The immediate intimate connection she makes with SJP? Practically U-Hauling. 

I love an 80s dance montage, and this movie promises to contain basically nothing but that tied loosely together with some nonsensical dialogue in between. This is gonna be my new favorite movie. 

Ooh Nestle Quik syrup! I forgot about Nestle Quik. 

Favorite line: “There is a time and a place for calypso music, young lady.”

Ohhh I see what this is gonna be - Janey (SJP) is a classically trained dancer and gymnast, and Jeff (Lee Montgomery) is more of a rough and tumble music video kinda guy from the streets. You can tell cause he’s got a motorcycle and a leather jacket. And he wears cutoff sleeves! He’s a white guy in Chicago, who could be more street than that? And they’re butting heads! How will they ever be able to make it work for the big dance contest??

How did Natalie know Janey’s phone number? She specifically said it was unlisted. Unless she remembers it from overhearing it offhand after the dance tryouts...? That’s insane, I can’t even remember what I wore yesterday let alone a 7-digit number someone shouted in a crowd.

Lynne Fashion Alert: Is she wearing a belt made out of bullets? And a Davy Crocket hat. This is galaxy brain lesbian fashion. If the costume designer for this movie didn’t win 10 Oscars...

The music director on the other hand...not sure what is up with all these weird KidzBop covers of excellent songs like “Dancing in the Street” or the titular “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” but if you’re gonna include them, you gotta spring for the originals. This is just sad. 

I’ve never been at a party with an ice sculpture. I think that’s how you know you’re among the rich. 

Whatever happened to Jonathan Silverman? I miss when he was the nebbishy sidekick in every 80s movie. 

Who enters a party by catapulting through the damn window?? Punk does not mean that you no longer know how to use doors, sir! 

Who serves a full roasted turkey at a party? Is this how rich people live? This feels like the equivalent of using Google translate to identify rich people food in another language, then translating it back to English. 

Lynne Fashion Alert: Now I think she has space shuttles in her hair.

Wow we got a real 1-2 punch of sexual harassment in this club. Who wrote this Tune in Tokyo gag and was like “You know what would be hilarious? If this shitty little nerd convinced this girl to raise her arms so he can just grab her boobs full on, front and center. And then she gets upset and runs away. God I’m good at this *snorts another line*”

Lynne Fashion Alert: Now it’s two globes (like, two Earths) with crab claws on them? This is a choice that I don’t understand, but I think I may just not be seeing what it is clearly. I am digging her mirror sunglasses though. 

I know Janey is smart but when did she learn how to hotwire a security system? It’s not like Google or Youtube existed, and I doubt there was a library book about how to dismantle that specific system. MYTH BUSTED.

Oh god oh no I’m so gay for these Dixon sisters from Kansas City, these two gorgeous black women in tuxes and spandex leotards. They 100% should have won this dance contest. 

Why did guys stop wearing crop tops? Can we bring back slutty quarterback as a fashion trend for dudes? Seriously, the costume design here is everything. 

I really love Jeff and his little family - his sister and his dad are so proud of him and supportive. You never see that in dance narratives featuring guys. I like the reversal here of gendered expectations.

Did I Cry? No, but my heart was warmed at various moments. 

Honestly, why can’t more narrative arcs in movies be solved via dance battle? 

Lynne Fashion Alert: She’s now dressed as...Cleopatra? Wait why the fuck is there a horse here? 

Oh that’s it that’s the end! Man, you can’t be mad at a tight 90 min film like this - it gets in, it gets out, bing bang boom you’re done with enough time to read before bed. 

Is this a cinematic masterpiece? No. But is it good clean fun? Absolutely. Barring the brief [obligatory 80s] sexual harassment scene, there’s very little to be upset with here. Kids wanna dance, they’re told they can’t dance, they dance anyway! It’s the power of dance! You’re either into it or you’re not, but if you’re not, I ask that you search your heart and try to find one teeny tiny sliver of joy inside it. You’re gonna need to feed that joy if you wanna make it through 2021, and watching this movie is a darn good place to start. 

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[being-demisexual]

Hiii

I hope this is okay to ask as it isn't really about demi but about romantic attraction, please feel free to not answer if you feel that this ask doesn't fit with this blog.

For about a year/ a couple months now I was slowly starting to overthing if I'm aro and it has been giving me so much stress it's honestly ridiculous.

Short story of important things in my life: I never really felt aromantic. Since a small child I liked the stereotypical films about princesses and princes and all that stuff. I had crushes on boys, at least I think so... For me it was being interested in the idea of dating them, to be specific.

Ages 13-16, so middle school here, I was getting aware that I was asexual- though I found this term only at the end of middle school as being a then christian in a largely christian country I honestly was largely unaware that lgbt was even a thing. I still liked the idea of getting a boyfriend, though I was getting aware it will be harder for me to find someone since the whole dont-want-sex thing. I was also largely imagining that if I find a person it will probably be someone I'm already friends with at least to some extent.

Well skip to me now, single for a few months now, after a 2-year relationship with my ex girlfriend and ex best friend... Somehow having a mild existential crisis if I might have not noticed that I'm aromantic, feeling like an impostor. The thing it, my ex changed their identity to demisexual, previously identifying as asexual during our relationship- which is totally fine and I had no issues with that, to be clear. Before she told me though, unconsciously I've been noticing we're a bit different in how we experience attraction and Istarted to fear if I should feel more, if romantic attraction should be a physical feeling and not just "I want to spend my life with them, I like being close and hugging, cuddling, kissing even if for the most part I don't feel anything physical from it." That maybe I don't know myself and I've been accidentally "faking". There was a period of maybe half a year when I did feel a bit more, but it could have been some leftover crazy hormones, I have no idea. I can also be rather reserved in public and so I preferred to save more intimate gestures than hand holding/a hug/ a fast kiss for a private place. Being questioned if I'm aro in the falling out part of the relationship really stung me and clearly didn't help with this issue, even though after some time she apologized, it's still eating away at the back of my brain.

So I'm writing all this to ask you, can you try to describe what romantic attraction is like to you? Do you literally feel something physically or is it more desires to be close to someone and thoughts?

Now that I'm single I'm scared of both never finding anyone again and of finding someone but making them feel unloved with how I express my feelings and messing it up again.

I dug at AVEN for answers too and found people describe romantic attraction both ways and I'm still not at peace with myself somehow, but maybe one more description will at least help with it a bit. I just want some internal peace :,(. I might be a bit desperate to find it.

Thank you for reading all this, and sorry for the long text, I felt like it's necessary to my situation

Hi there! I’ll give answering this my best shot, but probably not in the way you exactly want. I don’t really know what romantic attraction is, but it seems highly variable from person to person. Some people like a lot of PDA, some don’t. Some people find cuddling important, others want to celebrate a lot of little anniversaries (first date, first kiss, etc). I think it really does differ from person to person. I’ve never even been on a single date, let alone developed a romantic attraction to a person. 

That being said, I feel like I have the answer for you. Have you, in all your digging on AVEN, heard of the term QPR? It stands for queer platonic relationship. A lot of exclusionists like to paint this as just being friends, but its deeper than that. 

See, a lot of aro people desire companionship and commitment but without the dating part. A lot of aro people want someone to give them hugs, hold their hands, or maybe even kiss, but without the expectation of romantic feelings or actions, like going on dates and such. This is where a QPR comes in, which is basically a very committed, platonic partnership. I love my best friend, but I wouldn’t move in with her, adopt a per with her, or put her on my life insurance plan as a beneficiary. Those are all things you do with a spouse or romantic partner, or a QPR. You wouldn’t need to counsel your best friend before taking a new job to see if it’s financially responsible to do so, you wouldn’t need to discuss moving across the country for different opportunities with them, you wouldn’t put them on your health insurance plan. You would with a QPR. 

Most human living is designed to be done, at minimum, with two people. Most human living is better done in communities, but I digress. Almost everyone wants companionship and life partners, but they don’t have to be romantic or sexual in nature. It is probably worth seriously considering if a QPR style “relationship” is something you might want. If you don’t care about having sex and don’t have romantic feelings towards anyone, then you might be aromantic asexual - aroace. That absolutely DOES NOT mean that you are doomed to spend the rest of your life alone.

Also, if you don’t think a QPR sounds right for you, or you try it and it doesn’t work out, then you can go through life having friends and connecting with family and being a member of your community without having relationships necessarily. I don’t have any romantic interests right now, and I really don’t need them since I am getting plenty of human connection with friends (both IRL and online) and through family. 

To sum up, I don’t know if there really is any consistent definition for how romantic attraction is expressed. Maybe it is physical, to some people it certainly is. Maybe you are aromantic and a QPR is what you need. Maybe you aren’t aro and are just a pretty reserved person who prefers to express romantic feelings outside of physical gestures - like making sure the house is always clean because that’s what your partner likes, and picking up the type of coffee they prefer when you know you’re out. Little things, that might not seem romantic but do convey a lot of love and appreciation and attention to your partner when they all stack up. I’m not sure, and it sounds like you aren’t totally sure either. But that isn’t an inherently bad thing. You can take the time to list out what you think romantic attraction is to you and how you express it. I did that with sexual attraction when I was exploring being demisexual. You don’t have to rush, and you certainly don’t have to panic. There is always time to figure it out, and there is not bad outcome here - just you, being more confident and settled in your identity.

Feel free to reach out (through a dm, if you want) if you want to talk more. I hope this helped!

[sartorialatlantan]

Silver Lining and A Brief Backstory

Whether you’re an optimist or not, anyone, even if only in hindsight, can see the silver lining of a bad situation, circumstance or series of events. When I was 20 years old I ended a three-year relationship with my first serious girlfriend. We had met at 17 or so and it was your classic teenage love story. We were young and foolish and led by a shared faith in evangelical Christianity that I would eventually and happily abandon. We had convinced each other and ourselves that it was ordained by god that we came together and that when the time was right we would get married. To add insult to injury we told nearly everyone we knew about our plans at all of 18 years old, so naturally the sting of embarrassment came with the sting of separation. I don’t need to, nor do I care to go into details of our breakup or what brought it about, but this tiny bit of back-story is crucial to understand the silver lining that would follow. Now that I’m saying it out loud, to call what followed a silver lining doesn’t even really cut the mustard, what followed was the absolute best thing that’s ever happened to me.

It’s safe to assume that anyone reading this has been through a breakup, maybe even safe to assume a bad one or two. We all know how down in the dumps, miserable and depressed and isolated and totally alone you feel when you separate from someone you were literally saying, “I love you” to not one day ago. It’s an awful place to be, whether you’re 20 or 35 or 50 etc. it’s just plain awful. And I imagine it’s existentially worse the older you get because of the looming fear that you’ll be too old to meet someone else before the clock stops. While that may be true at 78, the irrational brain of an 18 or 20 year old will tell them the same thing. So in the wake of my adolescent breakup I drank, a lot. I took up smoking and heavy drinking and gave up on the idea of partnering with someone ever again. Some of this ridiculous thinking goes back to the Christian thing, and apologies now if you take offense so some of what I say about that faith. When you’re 20, and for the last 3-4 to years you not only thought, but believed at your bible thumping core that you were paired with someone else by gods own hand and it ends, well to put it plainly you A. start doubting that there even is a god or B. find it impossible to understand why god would start something and end it. Now in hindsight, it’s really a mixture of A and B and I also now realize that if god is real, his most famous creation to date (us) has a beginning and an ending. It’s also very easy to religiously rationalize everything to fit your made up narrative, kind of like biblically cherry picking in reverse.

I’m not going to go into my exiting the church and Christian faith altogether, that would be too far removed from the topic at hand, but I will say that when I left it, and truly let go of it mentally, it was the most calming and freeing feeling I had had at that point. All it took was squarely asking myself, practically in a mirror, “do your really believe in this, do you REALLY believe in ANY of this?” When I answered “no” I felt a combination of grief and relief; on the one hand I was letting go of what had been the norm to that point and on the other I was free from what rabbi’s refer too as “a wrestling match with god”, and that freedom felt better than any made-up wave of holy spirit baptism ever had. Bottom line, if you’re an evangelical and truly believe that you have a private, gibberish love language with god, don’t mock what the Mormons believe, it’s just as ridiculous. I knew too many Christians in those days who couldn’t see that irony. Some still can’t.

Now back to the story. There I was broken hearted and feeling like life was over at 20, it was time to grow a beard and become a wandering nomad. Maybe I’ll get a motorcycle and seek out an outlaw gang and just ride til' I die. Maybe I’ll head up the east coast and get a job on a boat out of New England. Really all of my ideas involved my look first, and occupation second. Anything involving hand tattoos and a long matted beard would’ve sufficed. But then, some time passed and I would eventually turn 21, which opened up a whole new world, the bar scene. Now, still in the throws of depression, single and not loving it, I proceeded to the bar scene with a new drinking friend named Will in the East Atlanta Village. We drank and socialized all over the village, almost every night too, to excess. We were not, living, laughing or loving as the girls touting faux happiness, post break-up say in their Facebook statuses. There was the Graveyard Tavern, a very large dive bar with something akin to a dance floor and a pool table area. Then the Glenwood that at the time had a horror/cult movie theme down to movie posters laminated under the tabletops. There was My Sisters Room and Mary’s, a lesbian bar and gay bar, separated by a side street and Grant Park Pizza. Then you came to the 5 Spot, which was a dive bar and punk music venue, then across the street from there was the Flatiron, which was the shape you’re picturing. It sat below 13 Roses Tattoo, which for that era in my opinion was the best shop in town. If you took a hard left from there you could walk up to The Earl, a dive bar with pretty damn good food and a solid standing room only music venue in back. And lastly across from there was The East Side Lounge, the perfect spot if you wanted to do cocaine while watching Predator 2 on the TV over the bar. I never did cocaine, but everyone in town knew that’s where you went to score some, or to watch Predator 2 while drinking $2 PBR on draught.

This little village was our spot for nearly a full calendar year, Will and I rarely took anyone else along, because no on else was as equally miserable as us and who needs positive company when you’re binging cheap beer pitchers and smoking a whole pack of cigarettes in one night? Now, to be clear, it was always to the two of us but we were making the attempt, occasionally, to meet women. 20 something, tattooed, smoking, drinking, most likely cocaine doing, women who were 100% not interested; we were suburb boys and you could practically smell it on us, and these were city chicks, with sleeve tattoos, hidden piercings and a palpable hate for their fathers. Maybe I’m adding that last part for effect, but you get the idea. Now that said, in that time span I did manage to meet and get to know a girl or two, I think Will did too but nothing ever really stuck.

Now I’m going to back up, but keep in mind this was all happening by night, most nights of the week, but by day I was still working at the same place I am now, didn’t love it then still not crazy about it today, but that’s a whole other topic. Some days after work, before Will and I would venture to East Atlanta I would go meet up with this piano player I had been introduced to by a former band mate who needed a guitar player capable of on-the-fly melodic riffs to accent his songs. In the band I had been in before, that was literally all I did, so we were a good fit. He would play his latest song for me a few times through headphones and then I’d start “noodling” as they say until I landed on some solid melodic hooks to overlay on what he had already recorded. We had a solid system, and he paid me in pizza and beer and we could smoke cigarettes in the studio. Just for a brief tangent, you have to smoke inside in these situations. If you and your fellow musicians are trying to accomplish something in the studio, but you’re walking outside every 20 minutes to have a dart you’ll never get anything done. So I would listen and noodle and drink and smoke and eventually eat. Once I tapped into a riff he liked we’d build on it together, shape it, shorten it, lengthen it, whatever it needed, then we’d lay it down and repeat. This was a regular thing for me a couple times a week. It went like this, get up, go to work, leave, go home grab my gear, head to the garage studio, record, smoke, eat, drink, leave, drop off the gear, grab Will, and be in the Village by 10pm or so. Then we’d stay til' last call, go home, shower, sleep, wake up, repeat. If you’re doing the math, yes I was driving most of the time, it was stupid and reckless and I’m not proud of it and it was over a decade ago lets just leave it at that and drop it. There’s no one to make amends to for anything from those days, other than a few girls that I probably drunkenly intimidated buy hitting on them too much. Anyways, this was the pattern for the better part of 20 to 21. Now, cut back to my Jesus-y girlfriend from the beginning of the story. To the best of my knowledge she was off in a new circle of friends, living and laughing and loving and meeting new people and I knew for a fact she was dating around. Through this new circle of friends she would eventually meet Kristen, and if you know me, then you know my wife’s name is Kristen, yes the very same Kristen. Kristen was 26 at the time, recently divorced from a total dipshit, we’ll leave it at that, and she too was socializing with a new circle of friends.

To help you keep up with the wild web of who begat who, at this point in time, if I hadn’t separated with my girlfriend when I did a year prior, she wouldn’t have started dating who she did and met the string of people who would eventually introduce her to Kristen, my wife today. Now, for her privacy I won’t name my high school girlfriend so for the story we’ll call her Jane. Jane and Kristen and a large circle of churchy band kids all became friends, though only briefly. Kristen being newly single was introduced to some guys via this circle and Jane specifically introduced her to guy named Steven, possibly to date, though I don’t think they ever did. That said, Kristen and Steven formed a friendship and Kristen soon after parted ways with Jane and the churchy band kids because they were all just A. a little too Jesus-y and B. more than immature to say the least. Now I was peripherally aware of a lot of this via Facebook, doing the creepy ex thing. I didn’t know Kristen, but I had seen her in some photos and she had a killer Audrey Hepburn ribcage tattoo, still does obviously.

So, Kristen and Steven are friendly and attend some of the same bars and house parties and she’s out in the world dating and doing her thing. Kristen would eventually meet Steven’s newest girlfriend, Amy. Amy and Kristen became fast friends and were practically joined at the hip. Kristen and Amy were partying, dive bar hopping, nightclub dancing best friends. Meanwhile, just to take you back to my reality at the same time, I was grumpy binge drinking with Will somewhere in the East Atlanta Village. Now, here’s where it gets fun. Amy has a brother named Chad, who at that time was in a band, Chad worked at a little café/bar with a certain piano player, yes, you guessed it, the one I was working with that year. Now through this maze of people Kristen would eventually meet the same piano player and it would be an understatment to say she was into him. One night I’m in the studio with him and we’re sort of half working, half chatting and he starts telling me about this girl he’s kind of seeing and her Audrey Hepburn tattoo. It was one of those small world funny moments, because I knew who he was talking about from my Facebook stalking, and I knew she was hot, no naturally I was envious. Some time later, he would invite me and Will and Kristen and Amy to watch a band play at the previously mentioned Earl in the East Atlanta Village, I knew it well. This is where I would meet Kristen and where our relationship would ultimately begin. I could write another 6 dozen paragraphs on our early dating relationship and how it all went and maybe I will at some point, but the point of this very long-winded essay is about the silver linings of a bad situation. Now to call this love story and how I would eventually meet my wife that I would have two beautiful and amazing daughters with a silver lining to a high school breakup would be borderline insulting. But realize, at 21, now nearly 22, I was still miserable and alone and thought I would be forever. Then along comes Kristen. Now to recap, I split with Jane, became a miserable person while Kristen was divorcing her first husband from college that she really only married to piss off her parents. Kristen would eventually meet Jane, who would introduce her to Steven, who introduced her to Amy who introduced her to the piano player, who she was infatuated with for a brief moment, who introduced her to me. We’re separated by 6 years in terms of age, come from completely different backgrounds and other than this small cluster of people, had no one in common between us. In a very long-winded, round about way, I owe my heartbreaking high school girlfriend a thank you. I had to experience a terrible breakup, the kind where you don’t ever talk again, go through a shitty, drunken, depressing year and ultimately give up on having any semblance of a happy life to meet my wife, and everything changed after that. I didn’t go to college, I had a small circle of friends and most of them avoided the city. It took this wild culmination of events and people I’ve never met to bring Kristen and I together.

You might be saying that story’s not all that compelling, things like that happen all the time, and you’re not entirely wrong, but that said, I still think there’s something special about it.

The year 2020 has shown me a lot about myself. Once quarantine started I quickly learned how unimportant clothes were. Take a moment to catch your breath. I still love tailoring and will absolutely wear dress clothes again, but when you’re staring down a pandemic, drape and tie space just become less of a concern and are quickly replaced with stocking up of frozen goods and day drinking. I’ve spent the majority of 2020 in Vans and golf polo’s, and I don’t hate it. In this time I’ve found a new passion for the game of golf, I’ve cooked new things, in the early days of lock down I got creative with my photography in ways that wouldn’t have if I hadn’t been home all day. I don’t think any of us knows when this nonsense will be over, 2020 might be entirely wrapped in Covid and it might even bleed into 2021, and by then, most of the world might’ve had it. I know that I don’t want it, and if I am to get it I hope to the god I don’t believe in that it’s mild.

When your 6 year old asks if you’re going to be alive when they’re a grown up in the middle of a pandemic it stings, because the reality is I can’t promise her I’ll be alive tomorrow, let alone 20 years from now, so I lie. And when you lie like that to a child you lie big, I tell her I’ll always be alive, that way we snuff out all worry in her little 6-year-old mind, because those wheels are constantly turning. I was burdened with the reality of death at 4 years old, seeing my 19-year-old cousin dead in a coffin after a motorcycle accident. I will shield the reality of death from my kids as long as possible. Life’s stressful enough already, no reason to start the trauma early. I blame that funeral at 4 almost entirely on my hypochondria. I’m that guy, who feels a leg pain and assumes it’s a blood clot bound for my heart. A pain or weird feeling in my side must be cancer. Naturally the rise of Covid has not been kind to this sick part of my brain. As I write I feel funny, the way you feel when you sleep too long and your limbs feel numb, I’m also hoarse from over doing it with a vaporizer recently trying to relax with a little THC. So naturally the weird feelings and throat tickle are Covid in my mind. If you don’t have anxiety, count yourself lucky.

The thing I keep trying to remind myself of is that it won’t last forever. Time literally fixes everything. It took time to get over being broken up with at 20 and even more time for the stars to align and bring Kristen and I together. It will take time for Covid to sweep the world and end and time further still for the powers that be to develop a safe vaccine. It will take time for society to feel comfortable going out mask-less again; it will take time for supermarkets to feel safe enough to take down all the plexi-glass at the checkout. It will all take time and in the end, if we’re lucky, we’ll see the silver linings that came out of it. New interests, new jobs, new relationships, etc. If I hadn’t found my passion for menswear I would not have eventually reignited my passion for photography. If the quarantine hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have done all the self-portraits I did that ultimately inspired a Hunter S. Thompson theme that lead to my newfound love and interest in golf. The new interest in golf led to new ways to spend time and bond with my in laws and my own family. It’s also the first form of physical activity I’ve done in nearly a decade; all good things.

The only thing I’ve never really been able to draw a connect-the-dots of positively around is my job. I’ve done the same thing for 13 years and I’ve never liked it. It has afforded me the opportunity to do things at times, and the schedule has always been flexible around my personally needs, but I’ve never really liked being here. As I write I’m sitting in an office that I’d rather not be in. If I were single and not a parent I would've left long ago. But the stability of this place and the paycheck keep me here. I’d much rather be taking photos for brands, submitting to publications etc. but there’s way to much financial risk in that. The time for that kind of seat-of-your-pants living is in your 20’s, when you’re a renter with no kids. If I could take photos, write, travel, golf, eat and drink for a living you‘d never hear a complaint. Kristen and I often talk about what we’d do with millions to distract ourselves from what we don’t have, and the stress of the day. She works in a very unforgiving retail environment, more unforgiving now with a pandemic on the rise again in our state. I work in print, for my father. A dying industry with a parent as my superior, what could possibly go wrong? We get along 9 days out of 10, but day 10 is always noteworthy. We bend over backwards for our customers, though I don’ think they care. We once had a 20 years long client say they were thinking about switching to another printer, just to shake things up. This after 20 years of late shifts, miracle timing and total and complete ass kissing. That day I learned, that quality service only matters to a select few, the rest just want to see the bill.

So that’s 2020 so far, new interests popping up, old interests taking a back seat, looking to the past to see the greatness that came out of dark times, hoping the future is as bright as today is, compared to the depths of despair I found myself in at 20. Still thinking there is no god but hopeful for an afterlife of some kind, wondering if there is a god why he’s letting old people who literally hang his picture in their dining rooms suffocate from a wet market virus that our leadership dubbed a hoax in the beginning…I will not go on a political tangent... By the time 2020 wraps I hope to be alive and well, I hope that everyone I know is alive and well too. I hope that Kristen finally lands herself a job in UX, she graduated from her UX academy in March and so naturally the job market has been slim pickings. Beyond that, I hope to find myself doing something other than what I do now at some point. When I dwell for too long about how many hours of my life I’ve spent folding booklets for people who are ultimately going to throw them away I feel myself reaching for the bottle. Bottom line, things aren’t great now, but I hope they get better. The funny thing about that is, according to Buddhists, it’s the act of wanting something, which causes suffering in the first place. So maybe the answer for the shit storm we’re all in today lie’s in the Buddhist teachings. I’m not about to proselytize Buddhism, but what I do know is the first truth as they call it is basically, that “suffering exists” and the second truth is that “desires and ignorance cause the suffering”. So it could be a major over simplification for our current state of affairs, but maybe if we stop wanting a better today and just accept today for what it is, we’ll all suffer a little less. Because whether we’re here for it or not, the sun will rise again and set again. The earth will turn and everything that is happening today will happen again tomorrow. Time fixes everything, and we can’t control it. So pray, meditate, work, golf or buy a motorcycle and head to the nearest New England port and join a boat crew, there’s no telling what kind of crazy we’re all going to wake up to from one day to the next, so to end on a cliché, make the most of today and try focus on the positive, maybe the stars will align and when it all shakes loose, you’ll meet your Kristen.

[hardlyfatal]

gary’s writing workshop: lesson 3:

Plot Structuring, Part 1

What is a story? Stories are accounts of transformations: situations, people, attitudes, establishments. If something isn’t changing, what is there to write about? Nothing.

Our job, as writers, is to describe the change and repercussions so that they’re effectively and entertainingly communicated to our readers with as much readability as possible. There are three components to managing it, which I’ll be going over here..

In this lesson, I’m going to ask you to change how you perceive and write stories.1

1. Plot Points & Purpose

Instead of looking at scenes from the outside – instead of looking at them from the POV of the reader, and considering their entertainment value – I want you to look at them from the inside. Or, rather, from below. From what basis, to what purpose, do they spring?

Scenes do not exist just to be entertaining. The wow factor is great, but it’s the icing on this particular cake. You can dress up a scene with elaborate setting, intense dialogue, brisk pacing, and boatloads of UST… but if they don’t move the plot along, they’re like a broken pencil: pointless.

Thus the new way to look at stories, at individual scenes, is to scrutinize them for purpose. The only purpose or reason any scene should make it into a story is because it moves the plot to its next point. These are in fact called plot points, and every scene requires one.

It’s a pretty existential way of looking at the matter, but it’s necessary, in order to create a satisfying tale that flows logically from one place to the next, that feels continuous and makes sense. Making sense is a very important, and often overlooked, aspect of storytelling.

Let’s use my story, Shoot the Moon, as an example. Going into it, I knew my overarching story premise: I wanted them to meet, hate each other, but slowly grow to learn about, become attracted to, eventually love each other, and then part. Not knowing that they actually lived in the same city, they meet again and reestablish their relationship. Finally, they find the motivation to overcome their personal demons to be together.

If you tease apart those plot points, you’ll see there are three acts:

They meet, hate each other, but slowly grow to learn about, become attracted to, and eventually love each other.

They part, not knowing that they lived in the same city, then meet again.

They overcome their misapprehensions about each other, and personal demons, to be together.

So how do I get them from A (beginning of each arc) to B (end of each arc)? The chapters in each arc have to have purpose; they have to have a point. Thus each scene was created to serve the purpose needed. A few examples:

I wanted Jaime to see how loving and gentle Brienne could be in contrast to her appearance and behavior to that point, so I created the scene where she shows the twins the bird eggs.

I wanted Brienne that, for all Jaime’s dickishness, he carried pain and perhaps deserved a bit of understanding and patience, so I created the scene where she confronts him and he reveals how he’s been parenting the twins by himself since his wife died.

I wanted to show Brienne’s persisting lack of self-esteem and reinforce Jaime’s attraction to her, so I created the scene where Arianne opened the door in just a robe, exposing most of her goodies, and Jaime hardly noticing because he was paying attention to Brienne instead.

As long as your story is driven by plot points– that make sense – that’s it. You’re probably suspicious of how simple it is, but it really is just that uncomplicated.

Despite that simplicity, I see a lot of people including gratuitous scenes, the purpose of which is to stroke the reader’s kink for whatever (hurt/comfort, fluff, smut, drama, etc.) instead of to push the plot forward. Either nothing much occurs in the scene, or it’s merely a reiteration of plot development and exposition that has already occurred before.

In the case of the latter, you need to have self-discipline and choose one or the other. There is no need to repeat yourself in romantic fiction – it just bogs things down and kills the pacing. Redundancy is wasted time and effort. If you’ve made a point, the point is made and does not need repeating. Have you noticed yet that I’ve said the same thing four times in this paragraph, just worded differently? Yeah.

In the case of the former, it just needs to go. If it’s dead weight, it’s dead weight. Be like Marie Kondo: thank it and let it go.

That’s not to say that hurt/comfort, fluff, smut, and drama can’t be included. They absolutely can and should be; they just need to have a point, and you only need to make that point once.

The point of a hurt/comfort scene could be one of them learning to trust the other, or discovering they have the capacity to be gentle and caring with another person, or that being vulnerable – with the right person, i.e. the other half of the couple – is not only safe but freeing.

The point of fluff could be one of them revealing they feel secure enough to let their inhibitions down and show spontaneous affection, or to show their joy in being able to openly express their love instead of having to keep it hidden and fearful.

The point of smut could be one of them developing the confidence to be a more active or even dominant lover, or show their surprise to be given pleasure for their sake instead of used for their partner’s satisfaction before their own, i.e. that they matter as well and that they doesn’t have to sacrifice their own pleasure in order to make the other person happy.

The point of a dramatic scene could be an expression of any of these – trust, capacity for gentleness, security in the other’s affections, confidence, realization of self-worth, revelations of secrets – possibly with some sort of action-y component. Is there a dramatic revelation that will somehow directly impact the romance between the couple?

To illustrate what I mean, I chose to deconstruct a scene from the show specifically because it is so spare of dialogue (relatively speaking), to show you how effective scenes can be even when there’s not a lot of verbal exposition, at least about the true reason for the scene.

This scene has nothing to do with her loyalties to the Starks or Catelyn Stark, though it may seem that way at first. It exists to give Jaime an opportunity to get to know Brienne better in ways that speak to her core personality and character.

Example:

TV!Brienne takes on three Stark men – who had killed a group of prostitutes after servicing Lannister soldiers – while Jaime watches. Youtube link, if you’d like to watch it to see exactly what happens..

Reason it was included:

To give the audience not only more evidence of her fighting prowess but also insight to her thoughts/feelings (her pity for the prostitutes in particular and of women’s plight in being under the control of men in general, and that she’s empathetic to the point of being vengeful on behalf of others who have suffered).

To make the audience understand that Jaime is now aware that Brienne is a formidable fighter; is not an empty braggart/can back up her claims of ‘knocking men into the dust’; is passionate enough about her convictions to fight and kill for them; is brave enough to face, and skilled enough to defeat, three men at once; is more committed to her loyalty to other women than she is to the Stark cause.

What was accomplished:

Jaime sees her as more than just her unusual appearance or another random person who loathes him like everyone else or a Stark lackey. She becomes a real person to him in this scene.

2. Making the Reader Give a Damn

You have to retain the reader’s interest from one chapter to the next. If you lose them along the way, you’ve lost any reason to keep going with the story. I know we all tell ourselves “I’m just having fun!” and “I’m doing this for myself!” but I think we all agree, though maybe just secretly, that it’s kind of bullshit: stories are made to be read by someone, somewhere.

If a tree falls in the forest and there’s no one there to hear it, does it make a sound? If no one reads our stories, was it worth the effort of writing them? If we’re boring the pants off our readers, why bother? Maybe it’s because you love to know you’re making others happy, maybe it’s because you love the appreciation you receive, whatever. IDK your life. But for the most part, there’s some external validation going on, and if others are quitting your story in the middle, or foregoing your stories entirely because past things you’d written had been unreadable, you’re just shouting into a void.

The main issues where readership hangs in the balance are pacing and description (setting, blocking, inner voice/narration). We’ll go over all of these to a greater degree in later lessons. For now, I’ll just say… if these are compromised, you’re going to be giving a skimpier, shallower, boring-er version instead of the lushly-detailed story it could have been.

3. Making Sense

Getting them sucked in with your word-picture and the flow of plot points is only two-thirds of the job: you also need to make sense. And before you start yapping about suspension of disbelief, yes, that’s a thing, but it only goes so far. There are certain premises than can stretch credulity and still work, but others that go too far and just ruin it.

This is one of our Battles of the Balance: you have to find how far you can go until it just doesn’t work and starts to feel stupid. It negatively impacts readability because it’s so outlandish that it tugs the reader from their reading trance and makes them wonder WTF you’re trying to do because what you just wrote is highly improbable. It kills the story’s readability. It’s important to stay grounded and retain an open mind about your balance in this regard. You need to be able to analyze what you’re doing and seeing if it is going over the top rather than blindly trusting your first impulses and, worse, ignoring feedback that indicates that you need to tone it down.

This is why the work of A Certain Someone fails: she contends that human people are able to produce bodily secretions to a volume that is not physically possible. She loses us because she forewent logic for the payoff she was reaching for (presumably arousal?). Instead of us getting all into the smut and romance, grinning dirtily, instead we frown and grimace because we’re imagining rivulets and puddles and sodden carpets and crusty mattresses, etc. And her ego prevents her from understanding that she is imbalanced in this way, with the result that she keeps churning out fic after revolting fic that many potential readers avoid.

It’s also why Mary Sues and Gary Stus spur such a knee-jerk loathing in so many people. It’s fine to give your characters fine, admirable qualities, but if you heap them on, or don’t counter them with just-as-significant flaws, it will no longer make sense because it’s illogical that anyone would be so fantastic and lacking in defects.

Chekhov’s Gun3 vs. Deus Ex Machina

Chekhov’s Gun2 and Deus Ex Machina are two sides of the same coin: the need for continuity. If it happens earlier, there needs to be resolution later. If it happens later, there needs to be mention (aka ”foreshadowing”) earlier.

Chekhov’s Gun is a literary principle stating that elements in a story have to be relevant. The presence of superfluous details constitute ‘false promises’ on the part of the author, because they’re offering a concept to the reader that will never have any point.

This doesn’t mean you should never mention non-essential things that have no bearing on the plot for fear of creating Chekhov’s guns willy-nilly; you need to create ambiance with description of setting, etc. It just means don’t make a point of mentioning something beyond its level of importance to the story. Brienne’s nose is mentioned as being crooked to emphasize her ugliness as well as symbolize her atypically unfeminine lifestyle since the huge majority of Westerosi women don’t get their noses broken, due to their less active lifestyles. Jaime’s nose is mentioned… never, because it doesn’t matter.

Disclaimer: I am terrible at the Chekhov’s Gun thing, because I have a shitty memory and will put in a detail that I fully intend to do something with… only to completely forget it exists and never mention it again. This is bad. Do not do as I do on this one. I mention it because it’s a continuing issue I struggle with and continue to work on. My poor betas...

Deux Ex Machina is a plot device whereby a problem, conundrum, obstacle, or mystery is solved when an unlikely resolution presents itself without any hints or foreshadowing earlier in the plot, often in such a convenient way that it feels contrived and anti-climactic.

Example that I just cooked up: The big fight in King’s Landing, Jaime and Brienne fight a pitched battle to reach the throne room where Cersei is seated upon her pile of swords. Together, they manage to defeat Gregor Clegane and just as they’re about to confront the queen, Arya pops up3 from behind the throne to tug on Cersei’s left earlobe. Turns out, Cersei is actually an android and had been malfunctioning for a long time, hence her erratic behavior. Bran had a vision about where her off-switch was, and used magical mind-speak to tell his sister how to cut Cersei’s power. Et voilà!

Example that actually happened in the show: Dragons fly at the speed of light and can whisk people around a continent comparable in size to the United States in an hour or two. Similarly, ships can navigate long distances at a fraction of the time supported by actual reality, and horses can rocket down the Kingsroad like Maseratis, if the speed with which Brienne and Pod made it from Winterfell to the dragon pit is any indication4.

Homework

If you are currently working on a story: create an outline of its plot in terms of each scene’s purpose. Identify any gaps in the progression of plot points, and come up with ways to bridge those gaps.

If you are not currently working on a story: do this with one of the stories you have already published. Think up what you could have done differently, or what you could have inserted, to connect the loose ends.

If you are not currently writing anything, and have never published anything: Take one of my stories, nothing too short because it won’t have enough transitions to make the effort meaningful, and nothing too long because LOL this is supposed to be fun, and do as instructed above. I suggest Signs of Life, Vision of Love, or Full Fathom Five because of their middling lengths. Identify gaps, and suggest fixes for them.

Remember to look for connections and flow from scene to scene, NOT chapter to chapter.

Footnotes

1 – Unless you already do this, in which case… well done! Carry on! 

2 – This refers to Anton Chekhov, Russian author, not any Star Trek character.

3 – I SWEAR TO GOD I wrote this months ago, before the last season. Wish I hadn’t been prescient about it... *weeps*

4 – Like, I know about the compression of time through editing but COME ON.

© 2019 to me

[meditatemoremedicateless]

Give us the Trans headcanons for the Dokis

Sure thing.

Rose (Main Character) - As soon as I got to naming a character to play the game for the first time, me and my housemates immediately decided that, regardless of what the game said, we’d be a transfeminine nb named Rose who uses they/them pronouns. The game is pretty insistent that you use he/him pronouns, but it doesn’t actually put in much work to say that you’re a boy per se. All DDLC content I create has Rose in the place of MC - they look pretty much like MC, but their hair is a bit longer, and their interests lie more in video games than manga (to give them a little less in common with Natsuki).

Yuri - People who have been following my blog for a while will know that I tend to hc my favorites in all media as trans (Victoria Chase, Pyrrha Nikos, Yang Xiao Long, etc), so it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise that I hc Yuri as trans. I didn’t initially - I initially only hc Natsuki as trans, but I honestly got so pissed off when I saw what ‘trans Natsuki’ discourse was that I made Yuri trans. I hesitated on that a little b/c of some fear of depicting Yuri as a ‘predatory lesbian’-esque character, but I think it’s worked out. I currently write Yuri as transfeminine nb using she/her pronouns.

Natsuki - As mentioned above, I head canon’d Natsuki as trans upon playing the game. I don’t remember any particular lines that made me think it, but both me and my current partner got that impression from the game. I figured that might play into her tsundere behavior - the complications of gendered bullying as a transitioning trans girl, especially when it comes to the possibility of anyone being attracted to you. 

However, when I found out why Natsuki was commonly thought to be trans (or, more precisely, why people on 4chan and Reddit thought she was a ‘trap’), I was... pretty pissed. So I started hc’ing Yuri as trans as well specifically in retaliation to the idea that trans girls always looked a certain way,  I guess, as well as to counteract both predatory lesbian and trap tropes. It’s one of the reasons I started shipping these two in particular so hard, beyond just finding them cute.

Sayori - I don’t have a detailed reason for this. Sayori is agender and uses they/them and she/her pronouns. They’re too fatigued to have a gender today. They are in love with literally all of their friends and only depression and anxiety keeps their charisma and libido in check. God nerfed them before Monika ever did.

Monika - The realization that even your conscious recollection of a life before being put into a video game is a fabrication of the game itself can do a lot to you. For one, it can give you an intense belief that nothing you assumed to be true about yourself is true, but was instead forced upon you. And if you had the chance to stop and take stock, both to choose and discover who you really are . . . maybe you wouldn’t make the same decision your creator did. Not to sound too much like a Hot Topic slogan, but Monika isn’t a girl. Monika’s an existential nightmare.

[theinquisitivej]

SteamHeart Episode 18 Reactions

Chapter Eighteen: Where Will You Be?

The full episode can be listened to here.

An episode of quiet introspection and softly spoken declarations of resolve.

After Abigail made her speech in the theatre to the people of Indianapolis, she spends part of her evening on top of SteamHeart, finding Annie had the same idea. The chapter more or less focuses entirely on this scene, taking the opportunity to delve into some of Annie’s thoughts on recent matters, and Abigail’s questions about the future. The action of Abigail sitting down so that they “tentatively rested our backs against each other” sets the tone. It makes this an intimate moment where the two may not necessarily see each other (suggesting that they don’t have as much of an understanding of one another as they will by the end of this conversation), but they nevertheless share enough trust that they can each have their back to the other person and let their guard down, despite their tentativeness indicating that this doesn’t come easily.

         Annie initiates the conversation, commending Abigail on how she handled herself in front of the crowd. She notes the impression of humbleness Abigail gave off, as this is unusual for her. Abigail chalks it up to the stage enabling the performer in her, but Annie follows up on this remark by asking if that means she wasn’t really feeling humble as she said those things. This is the first of multiple points in the conversation where the two characters ask a searching question of the other, hoping to incite honest responses as the interviewee looks deep within herself. On this particular matter, however, Abigail, changes the subject, enquiring whether they’ll be departing Indianapolis tomorrow. Annie answers yes, as she believes the team is ready. Abigail takes her turn at a probing question as she asks if Annie feels she is ready. Like Abigail, Annie hesitates, not giving a definitive answer. It seems neither character has all the answers about how they feel.

         Annie apologises for not being a better leader, which, you know, it’s been a little while, so it might be clearer to me where this is coming from on the re-listen, but I felt Annie was being a little hard on herself with this remark, though I do understand why she would hold herself up to high standards. Abigail however responds half-jokingly that she was ready to take the sheriff badge off of Annie herself. Annie starts to share, telling Abigail that the death of the Arlingtons brought into focus how responsible she is for all this. Suddenly the feeling of there always being someone back at high command is pulled out from under her, and it seems like, in practice, her word is where all the important decisions get made. That’s definitely a lot to take in for a mission this important, even for an officer with as much experience as Annie.

         Abigail points out that the group and the country still has Truth and Katherine looking out for them. Even after conceding that, Annie worries about what will befall them if they lose Harry. She defies estimation – what Harry can create and invent is so valuable and beyond what other people can either imagine or bring into being, and that’s how Annie saw Thomas and Sarah. They both envisioned a future where humanity could survive into the new century and worked tirelessly to make that happen. Without people like that, people who weren’t just visionaries but actually had a decent idea how to make those visions into reality, Annie doesn’t have high hopes. Abigail argues that, while folks like Katherine aren’t “beyond genius”, that doesn’t stop them from being able to make a difference and contribute to that optimistic future coming to pass. She’s finally able to give Annie an answer and say that she meant what she said during the speech, or at the very least said “what I hope is true”. That’s enough to give Abigail fuel to keep trying to manage the hand she and the rest of the world have been dealt. And whether it’s from her own internal strength, talking this over with Abigail and hearing her words, or a combination of both, Annie resolves to focus not on whether the new higher ups can match up to the old, and instead look to her own status as a figure of authority and work on being a better leader.

         Abigail echoes my sentiments from earlier and says that Annie shouldn’t hold herself to “beyond genius” levels of acumen. When Annie deflects this by asking what the consequences will be if she doesn’t shape up, Abigail tries a different approach by running the title question of the episode – where will you be? Specifically, when, or if they are successful in this mission and they survive into the next century, where does Annie want to be? Essentially, Abigail wants to know what Annie’s best case outcome of all of this is, and, more importantly, she wants Annie to know as well, because she suspects Annie hasn’t allowed herself to entertain the thought, and having it might just give her something to work towards.

         The first thing she knows is that she wants to live in a future where she’s done killing people, and she holsters the gun which she had out, indicating her vigilance against the threat she’s constantly thinking about. After that, she has fun thinking about the possibility of pursuing her sewing, something which Abigail definitively says she won’t take part in due to her distaste for dresses (which she demonstrated in the run-up to the ball earlier on in SteamHeart). As for Butler, Annie wants him to be safe and done with the army as well, but she shares her worries that it might be difficult for him to give that up after being so adept at it for so long, something which Annie understands and seems to share. It’s not that they enjoy killing, but the pride they take in seeing through the many dangerous missions they’ve taken part in is compelling. Even after knowing each other so well, we see that there are some situations Annie and Butler can’t say with certainty they’d know how the other would act.

         When Annie asks Abigail where she wants to be, she’s able to say with relative ease what she’d envision James wanting to do – take on Thomas’ position. However, she admits to having no idea what she wants, as this topic was a means to helping Annie be optimistic about the future. Abigail’s certainty in what the other half of her pairing would want to do and lack of certainty for herself is a contrast to Annie, who has more ease in saying where she’d like to be than she does with giving an answer on behalf of Butler, her partner. Duos and partners with singular bonds are a recurring theme in New Century, but moments like this demonstrate how different each pairing is. The suggestion of following Commander Wilson’s path and becoming an explorer holds some appeal, leading to Abigail listing off his numerous roles, including a spy, diplomat, geographer, and even translating the Karma Sutra, which, even in an alternate America that’s lived with the Wendigo for more than a decade, is causing quite the stir. But that kind of life is not quite what Abigail wants, and, speaking honestly, she admits that the future terrifies her. That’s something I’ve experienced at different points in my life – I vividly remember facing feelings of existential anxiety as a kid when I thought about the future as a concrete thing that I’d have to face one day. I’ve improved and more or less got over myself, but I’d be lying if I said those fears have entirely gone away.

         Going back to Abigail, she brings up her desire to find her parents, the one vision of the future she still holds onto, even after so much time having passed since Secret Rooms. This prompts a conversation about whether this is for the best, as Annie argues that she’s chasing the past, fighting against a decision her parents made to safeguard her future. Abigail counters by voicing her own displeasure at having her life be decided for her, a part of her character which the Definitive Edition of Secret Rooms brought into focus. This hurts Annie, as Abigail is inadvertently suggesting that she wishes she led a life where she wouldn’t have met her or the rest of Team Steam. She doesn’t mean to imply she feels that way, but it’s understandably still upsetting to hear. Abigail states she’s “a painfully honest son of a bitch”, pointing out how the openness of conversations like this can be a positive experience with the potential to sooth recent sadness and provide a rekindled sense of optimism for the future, but it can also lead to feelings coming out in the open which hurt to hear, even if the person feeling them doesn’t intend them to. That isn’t necessarily a terrible thing, and can be part of the process of being more honest with one another, but it is something to be conscious of in heart-to-heart conversations like this. In this instance, it leads to the slightly inflamed (but admittedly kind of amusing) exchange of Annie calling Abigail a “stubborn red headed mule” and Abby calling her a “stuck-up murderous pixie” (which, upon reflection, is a harsh jab against a person who’s just shared her regret at leading a lifestyle where she has to kill people). Even so, the two can agree to Abigail wanting to take control by getting to the Wind Doors and hopefully make a difference, and Annie doing her best to help her get there. They get up as the conversation draws to a close, and as they head down below, Annie asks if she can borrow Abigail’s “Indian sex manual”, to which Abigail responds “I left my copy back in Washington” with an audible smirk on her face. It’s a funny, but oddly sweet way to end the exchange, as it’s both a moment of down-to-earth levity after a deep conversation, and one last piece of honesty shared between the two where Annie expresses an interest in the book, and Abigail admits to owning a copy.

         Before we reach the credits, we hear Harry’s brief letter to Truth, which was sent from the Indianapolis Outpost, meaning she sent it before they would leave the next morning. Harry misses her sister and appreciates her kindness, but she doesn’t “need” to return home. Instead, she asserts that they are traveling on the road again today. This resuming of the journey has that much more weight behind it as a result of Harry deciding its time to move forward as SteamHeart’s mechanic and driver. And she does this “for mum and dad”. A short but powerful and emotional close to the episode.

         The performances of Laureta Sela and Sharon Shaw are spot on in this episode. The chapter hinges entirely on Abigail and Annie’s conversation, and each voice actress conveys the earnestness and emotional weight of what’s being said. It’s not a moment of the story where emotions are exploding out in a climactic fashion, but are instead being softly explored in a quiet setting where each character assesses where they are and where they’re heading, and their performances make that compelling from beginning to end.

[salavante]

Odwain! The goodest.

Wow, featuring one of the more flattering drawings I’ve done of Odwain. Like last time, I’ll post all these guys separately and then do all the headshots in a masterpost. In the meantime buckle up for...a lot. (Thank you for giving me my favorite character.) 

Full Name: Odwain Novak. In Ben Yit’gab, the Bennai language, his first name would be Oediwen, and it’s what his dad called him. His mother calls him Oddy and he does not like it.

Gender and Sexuality: Male and Bisexual

Pronouns: He/him

Ethnicity/Species: Odwain is a Ben-Aleth, a Human-Bennai hybrid, also called a mosshead if you’re in coarse company. His human mother Blanche Novak is mixed race. Odwain’s maternal grandfather came directly from Earth, Poland specifically, during one of the several accidental migrations of humans coming from Earth to The Road. His maternal grandmother is from a previous wave who were already settled on The Road by that time, but the family can trace her ancestry back to West Africa. Odwain’s father, Ashatov Novak, was a full-blooded Bennai, a plant-based halfling race. Ashatov took his wife’s last name.

Birthplace and Birthdate: Thinking about this trips me out man. Odwain was born in 1946, sometime in the summer, probably July or August, in Septor Secundis, a coastal, metropolitan city and the seat of The Road’s government. He’s 27 during his first adventure and right now, in Godslaughter, he is 69 (what the FUCK). He will live maybe 20 or 30 years longer than your average human, and is in better physical shape than a human would be at 69. He’s more like late 40’s or early 50’s.  

Guilty Pleasures: A lot, probably - Odwain has just a bit of hedonistic streak just because he feels miserable so much of the time that he needs to feel good somehow. He smokes cigarettes for much of his life (but eventually quits), is a casual cannabis smoker and binge eats really truly terrible junk food (and has a bit of a gut because of it, but because he’s kind of lanky otherwise, he’s just kind of gourd-shaped). He likes beer, but doesn’t drink hard liqour all that often because he gets astronomically bad hangovers. Despite having a generally weak stomach, Odwain really likes frightfully spicy food, and his kids’ obligatory dad-gifts for him are probably hot sauces. When he’s not pounding down garbage, his favorite kind of cuisine is Thai. Not a guilty pleasure per say, but he also loves all things that have to do with insects, and when he and Rusty have a house together, Odwain takes up gardening as a hobby and plants an expansive garden of flora that are attractive to bees. (A Nice Thing: Odwain plants this garden when Rusty is pregnant because he found his love of insects through his father’s garden as a child, and wanted to give his kids the same opportunity) Odwain also maintains an apiary from the time that he’s living in a warehouse in the desert, to when he’s living with a partner and beyond. When he learns how to make Hot Honey it’s over for all of us. He has a modest collection of novelty bee-themed things that he’s amassed over the years, but he is not guilty about asserting his love of bees/wasps, like, at all. He’s also a little kinky but I’m not going into that.

Phobias: All of Odwain’s fears are existential - what if I push everyone away, existing in society is anxiety inducing, what if I’m just a bad person and my existence is making everything more difficult for functional people, etc. Though he’s kind of a sad fellow and has ideated suicide, and came very, VERY close to trying to kill himself after he dropped out of college, he also fears growing old and dying. I think death is more digestible to him if it’s on his own terms, but even then, I think what coaxed him off the edge was fear. If anything ever happened to his chosen romantic partner or any of his kids, he’d be besides himself, and is kind of one severe trauma and emotional breakdown away from becoming a bee-themed supervillian.

What They Would Be Famous For: Odwain is notable at a certain point in his career for being a pioneer in AI programming, and also for designing, building and patenting an invention called the Hercules Rig, which is basically a beetle-wing inspired jetpack. You can see it here. He holds the patent very closely and only allows it to be reproduced for recreation, construction, emergency rescue operations, etc. Odwain has taken a very firm stance on not allowing the military or any paramilitary organization to get their hands on it, though it has not stopped them from making shitty knock-offs that he is constantly suing people about.

What They Would Get Arrested For: Breaking and entering. Exploding something he shouldn’t. Buying illegal hazardous materials. Doing something petty that bites him in the ass.

OC You Ship Them With: To be honest there are not a lot of other characters besides Rusty that I ship him with. Bitter college rivals, thrown back together as late twenty-somethings, becoming better people together and learning to express empathy and vulnerability…it’s good. The only other character that I really go yeah, that’s the good stuff, is Jake’s character Finnick, who is kind of Odwain’s weird BFF and fellow mad scientist type. I don’t think they’d have a super stable relationship, and I think it would most likely be a “we yelled at each other and had weird sex enough that we like each other now” kind of scenario. But I do think they would come to love each other and have each other’s back to the death. Him and Hemlock, my dirty swamp witch who’s only picture was devoured during the great tumblr purge, also make a pretty fun couple for similar reasons. Iona too, but I think they are too explosive of personalities to ever find a stable middle ground. I also think he would find certain people attractive (August, Hare, Ganzrig, Ifechi the man I have spoken of but once, Jonquil in certain scenarios) but may not put himself out there to pursue them.

Neither of us have ever posted any art of her but here’s a few headshots of Finnick I did awhile ago, because she really is my favorite romantic partner for Odwain aside from Rusty, and is the only other one that’s really relevant in our games. 

OC Most Likely To Murder Them: Odwain is fairly physically fragile and to be honest I think that most people could kill him as long as they could get their hands on him - he’s very dexterous and has a lot of gadgets that let him get the upper hand, keep enemies at a distance or escape. He has a ranged fighting/add-spawn build so he is mostly out of direct harm unless he’s reeled in somehow. But uh, Odwain IS dead right now in Godslaughter, he died fighting an eldritch deity named Dreamer who sucked him into a nightmare dimension and flayed his soul out of his body. It’s ok though, as long as the party beats Dio, he’ll be fine. I didn’t cry you’re the one who’s crying.

Favorite Movie/Book Genre: Ok, so, first off HAHA Odwain canonically likes Transformers and collects them, which are a thing in circulation after the last human migration from earth in the 90’s. Imagine. Imagine your grown ass father with a genius level IQ and multiple patents collecting plastic robots. Him and Finnick have transformers sonas - ANYWAY, that aside, he doesn’t really read for pleasure, just information, and generally just puts on cable while he works for white noise (and in later years, whatever The Road’s TV streaming service is). Most of the media he consumes is incidental to him, but will get interested in strange things that pique his interest. He probably thinks true crime docs are neat and enjoys pulpy sci-fi stuff that he can complain about. Any documentary about bugs. He’d like Mystery Science Theatre if they had it around. He enjoys things that are the fun, good kind of “bad” and has a fairly high threshold for  disturbing imagery.

Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: Odwain is that guy who makes 20 minute long youtube videos lampooning movies for “not making sense”. If there’s anything that breaks his suspension of disbelief, his attention and tolerance disintegrates, even if it’s just one of those things that needs to happen to move the plot along. It doesn’t really matter what genre it is, though he is most hard on sci-fi and fantasy. There is a tipping point for him, however, where he starts enjoying the thrill of blasting something and circles back around to enjoying it.

Talents and/or Powers: Odwain is only a little bitty bit magical, and only because Bennai are the most magical race on The Road. He has latent magical ability that allows him to sense magical signatures and incorporate magic into technology, and maybe cast a low level spell if he tries really hard. If he was in a high fantasy setting, he’d be an enchanter. His staff (the big lightbulb thing I draw him with sometimes), the Hercules Rig, his Wasp Suite (robotic wasps with an AI and different spells loaded into them) and any other devilish, bug-based weapons and utility objects do his work for him.

Why Someone Might Love Them: Odwain’s a bit of a tough walnut to crack because I think that he shines in moments of sincerity and vulnerability, but he has to, well, get there. He’s capable of very great, thoughtful acts of selflessness and compassion, and deeply desires meaningful relationships with other people, but he gets insecure about how he expresses himself and can clam up. He’s passionate, emotional and expressive, but has been put down for being so, and was probably a very brilliant, curious child who was beaten down into a somber adult. I actually think that, at some point in his childhood, he was not entirely unlike Whitty in the way that he was eager to share things with people and explore the world around him, which is why Odwain feels very protective of his grandson. I think the most lovable thing about him is that when he’s at his best, nothing can stop him - he’s extremely intelligent, diligent, creative and innovative. He truly, deeply loves making things, and making them better, and when he’s not in a crash, creates prolifically. What he loves, he loves deeply and without compromise, which makes Rusty, a person that could also be said of, a good match for him. I also think his cattiness makes him very witty, he’s a genuinely funny guy who can engage in some really goofy shenanigans when he’s feeling up for it.  

Why Someone Might Hate Them: Oh, lots of reasons. Odwain is an acquired taste to many, or just not to many’s taste at all. He is very petty, blunt and catty, and as a young man is extremely bitter and negative. You’d be very hard pressed to get a positive statement about anything out of him between the ages of 16-25. He’s very confrontational, can become very loud and intense if it’s something that he feels is important, and is not afraid to cut people out of his life if he feels that they aren’t good for him. Sometimes, he will end relationships/friendships prematurely because of this. Being such, he is heavily prone to self-inflicted isolation. He has no childhood friends, and only kept in touch with one person from college. He just cuts and runs. Odwain’s self-loathing runs very deep, which makes it hard for him to accept, or ask for, emotional support or affection. And that can be hard on the people around him who care about him. His executive dysfunction can also be abysmal, making it seem like perhaps he is messy or lazy, but he’s just kind of a mess himself, hah.

A weird non-psychological one but I think is enough to get someone’s hackles up is that Odwain doesn’t like animals very much unless they are insects, invertebrates, etc. He finds mammals loud, messy and needy, and that “I’m the only one in my house that is allowed to be all of those things”.

How They Change: As Odwain ages and gains a stable support network of friends, his edges soften and he learns how to ask for help more effectively. He also learns how to better choose his battles, and how to exercise the compassion that he knows he has, but has been too insecure to utilize. He manages his mental health better, but is never entirely free of it, because you never really are. Most importantly, I think, he learns how to forgive the people who deserve forgiveness, and give people second chances, accepting that people can change. Which means the same can be said for him, too.

Why You Love Them: I’ve talked about this before, somewhere, I’m sure. Odwain is one of those characters that has a very big slice of my personality, and has a lot of my more negative traits, though they are ones we’re both working on. My first session with Odwain was a scene where Odwain’s dad died after being ill for a very long time, and as it happens, it was on father’s day, on the first or second father’s day after MY dad died, after several brutal months fighting with the cancer that eventually killed him. I had to put down the dice, so to speak, and for a short time, thought that Odwain might actually be a character that I scrapped completely. He came too close to something very painful and personal. I don’t remember how, exactly, but the solution to this problem of mine was that if he’s getting close to me on his own, then I might as well just let him in on everything. I can genuinely say that doing that has changed the way that I empathize with my characters and how I make them, and that there is something I share with Odwain that I don’t have with many of my other characters. Also, I like bees.

[isa-ghost]

Yay, marvin and or anti headcanons! I am ready for death by angst!

Alright I’m home from school and ready to fuck you up some more, lets g o.

Gonna do 6 for each this time because trying to think up 10 is hard.

MARVIN–

Marvin refuses to take off his mask unless he’s alone. Why? Anonymity? Scars he tries to hide? A third frickin eye or something?! We might never know. But he will never not wear his mask if he’s around other people. The thought of anyone seeing his uncovered face actually gives him a panic attack.

The only person more self-critical than Jackie is Marvin. Performances, social outings, personal work, self-care. You name it, it’s never good enough for himself. It’s why he has little confidence in his magic.

Marvin hates bothering people with his personal problems. He isn’t like Jackie where he refuses to do so; he will, but he hates having to. To lessen the number of times people get involved with his problems, he just laughs everything off  casually (i.e: when he laughed at the end of his power hour and said “my life is a joke” or something along those lines).

Marvin is completely lost as to where he “aligns.” He doesn’t feel completely good, but he’s almost certain he isn’t evil. He’s stuck in a limbo between the two ends and often gets lost in thought wondering where he belongs. Assigning him to “good” or “evil” can sometimes make him feel pressured to act a certain way, which messes with his awful confidence and drags up his thing with hating needing help. In other words, thinking about what his alignment should be gives him existential crisis. He’s also afraid of disappointing people if he chooses an alignment that they don’t view him to be.

Marvin cannot handle pressure from others whatsoever. He needs to do things on his time at his own pace or else making mistakes or failing will be inevitable. He has a deep fear of not reaching people’s expectations, and that’s why he’s “his own boss” when it comes to getting magic gigs, etc.

Sometimes Marvin distances himself from Jackie out of fear that he’s going to end up evil. If dark thoughts and urges surface in his mind too frequently in a given time, he’ll avoid Jackie or simply isolate himself completely. The last thing he wants to do is turn on his best friend and partner. He knows how much it’d break Jackie’s heart but pretends to be oblivious for the sake of not making Jackie feel uncomfortable.

ANTI–

Anti despises not having control of a situation. It’s why he makes puppets. Those strings not only turn the poor person attached to them into his slave, but also guarantee him that he has control of what he’s doing. He has a borderline obsessive compulsive need for control. Hence his constant references to it in his appearances. (”I am in control!”)

Anti cannot stand the thought of “mercy.” Finish the job. Don’t start things and then choose not to go through with it. He hates quitting and anything short of adamant persistence is unacceptable. If you relent on someone, it better be to prolong the torment and then end them later. There is no “going easy,” its all about how you execute something. Anti is very methodical in how he does thing and how he goes about harming others. (That being said, I think Chase has a looong road ahead of him)

Anti has little to no fears (by the words of Jack himself at one point). That being said, if one of his victims were to “come back,” it wouldn’t necessarily terrify him, but it’d definitely unsettle him. It’d most likely anger him too. He’s in for a little surprise the next time he tangles with Henrik.

Anti goes out of his way to be irredeemable, and he wants everyone to know it. He isn’t some misunderstood edgelord who suffered an injustice and resorted to chaos and destruction. No, he wants to be a tyrant. Nobody talks about you when you’re good, there’s too many standards to reach if you want to be remembered as a good guy because there’s already been so many “good guys.” Bringing Hell to anyone who gets too close to you is a far easier way to make a name for yourself.

Anti is one of the most manipulative son of a bitches out there. At this point, he has everyone so full of paranoia that he hardly has to do anything for them to think he’s already gotten what he wants. Is Marvin wrapped around his finger? Is Jameson? Did he kill Jackie already and that’s why we haven’t canonically seen him in over two years? We don’t know for sure, but we’re terrified that it might be. Anti LOVES watching us reel over theories and fears, its an added terror that he doesn’t have to initiate.

Anti can change his glitches to fit better into what scares a specific person the most. We can see how he can alter his glitching if we compare Say Goodbye to Silent Film. (Pretty sure Jack has actually confirmed this to a degree as well!)

[pleinedelavie]

a thought exercise (of sorts)

I think a lot of y'all can probably relate to a feeling of discomfort with the popular/Christian model of the afterlife in which people who live in a certain, very specific way are going to go to heaven and all others will end up in hell. The popularity of The Good Place, which interrogates and criticizes this concept, is a testament to this. So let's run with that. (This is a long post and frankly also a bit of a rant but I promise I have a point, please bear with me.)

At least for Americans, we live in a society that buys into this idea pretty wholesale. Almost everyone probably knows some people who are pretty religious, or at least has encountered someone telling them that eventually their sinful life will catch up with them, and they will be in hell. "Go to hell" (and variations thereupon) is a common phrase in our society and the concept shows up fairly often in popular media.

And I think most of us agree that while many of these examples are surface-level harmless, being endlessly confronted by the belief that you are doomed to some horrific end, that the ultimate culmination of existence is this idea that you find horrific, is pretty shitty.

So we start to push away from this idea, at least in our minds. Some of us might try to reinterpret these concepts, mentally redefine how this afterlife works in order to make it line up better with what we're comfortable with. Of course there are lots of other religions and philosophies with different interpretations of the afterlife that give alternative possibilities for what the point of our lives is.

And of course there's the other side, the final belief: maybe there is nothing after this. Some people find a certain comfort or at least logic in the lack of some final reward or punishment for earthly behavior. They don't need that promise of ‘life everlasting’ in order to find life fulfilling, because there's a lot to live for on this earth.

My belief, at least, is that there's nothing wrong with any of this, and if you don't agree you may want to stop reading because you probably won’t connect super well to the point of this post. (Yes, there’s a point, remember? Eventually.)

As mentioned before, the hyperchristianity of American society and culture (at least, I can’t speak to other places) means that anyone trying to stand apart in this matter experiences a lot of pushback, some subtle and some not. There's a view that those who try to reinterpret Christian ideals are doing it wrong, fundamentally violating the faith in an unacceptable fashion. And of course xenophobia is rampant, and those who believe in other religions or none at all are seen as somehow less moral-- and thus, implicitly, less human.

And on the other side... I imagine even those who have made some peace with the idea of no afterlife find the concept of that final end, of simply ceasing to exist, a little scary; personally I think it's terrifying, and I would guess based on  the concept of existential crises that this feeling is pretty common. Especially from a cultural context that's incredibly individualistic, probably because of the values from the same Christian obsession that brings us hell, there's a huge subconscious urge to fear that if we truly are gone when we are dead, that nothing we did had meaning in the first place.

Nevertheless, we believe what we believe, and while we can explore different paths I think that we don't really have a choice in what finally makes sense to us. So we walk that razor edge between the rather oppressive-sounding end society claims we are destined for, and the hysterical alternative it presents to make that end seem like the better option.

Now, maybe I'm just stretching out on a limb here, maybe I have been this entire time, but in my opinion, that description doesn't sound too different from the experience of being aromantic in modern society. To review:

We live in a culture that aggressively promotes something as a fundamental purpose of the human experience that we find repulsive or at least not especially attractive: romance

This concept shows up everywhere, almost ubiquitously present in music and fiction, seeping into language and pretty much omnipresent in public consciousness. We're often presented with the idea that even those who dislike or avoid romantic love are eventually doomed to it, with imagery like cupid literally shooting people with arrows actually considered charming (???), or the tradition of kissing under mistletoe getting brought up whenever two people who look like they might be a ‘good couple’ are vaguely near any hanging plant at a christmas party, or the trope of the aggressive matchmaker friends

The relentless push of this, the insistence that we *will* end up in a romantic relationship or at least experience simply as a result of being human, really sucks for aromantic people. It's upsetting for us to be confronted with it constantly with essentially no warning when we're just out here trying to have a good time. We feel attacked. (I'm using old meme language because this post is depressing to write and I needed to lighten up a little for my own sake, but I'm also 100% serious, it really does feel like an attack sometimes.)

We try to find our own way to be happy, some exploring romantic relationships despite not feeling attraction, or trying to seek fulfillment through different types of relationships such as QPRs, close friendships, family etc.

Some people aren’t looking for that sort of life-defining relationship; they genuinely feel fulfilled by other aspects of life.

(All of these approaches are okay and if you don’t agree kindly fuck off.)

We get a FUCKTON of pushback for this. Aros who come out to their romantic partners are often automatically dumped because they’re perceived as unable to hold up their end of the relationship; even if they genuinely love their SO, they're by default perceived to be 'doing it wrong'. This is especially relevant when the aros has certain boundaries because of their identity (or if they happen to also be ace, though that’s not necessary for this to happen), which to a lot of people makes their relationships fundamentally inferior to a relationship between non aromantic people.

The fucking insistence that *love makes us human uwu* means that those who choose not to participate in romance, or in any sort of life-encompassing interpersonal relationship, are seen as somehow less capable of being fully fulfilled or even just... Less human. If you don’t think this is true I want you to take a good hard look at how many aro/aro-coded characters in media are robots, aliens, villains, young children, or other groups not treated as fully human by the narrative. (I’m reblogging with links to articles about this because that’s apparently the only way to get tumblr to let it show up in the tag. There’s also an interesting movement called voidpunk which i think originated in the aro community that afaik is a response to this dehumanization)

This pervasive cultural drive toward romance also manifests as a sort of... I want to say internalized arophobia, let me know if that's appropriative since it is based off terms used by other groups. I, and probably a lot of other aros regardless of how genuinely proud we also feel, do have a fear that being without romantic connection will leave us unhappy, or worse that we are somehow broken. This feeling is terrifying and it sucks, and the fact that it’s reinforced and probably created by our amatonormative society means that there needs to be a change.

Finally, we are who we are. I'm pretty sure its not a challenging opinion anymore to say that you can't choose who you love, and that means aros are just as valid as any other identity. So I'll restate: we're stuck in a society that says either that who we are is impossible and we're going to end up somewhere we don’t want to be, or that who we are is horrible and will leave us fundamentally unhappy.

(If parts of this sound combative or frustrated, that’s because I am. We are. Sometimes, even often, it feels like society hates the very concept of aromantic people, and most others it feels like we’re just invisible. I personally don’t have the courage to talk about this in real life but all of the frustration has to go somewhere, so...)

I hope that this post helps you relate a little better to the problems that aros face. This post is partially meant for aspec people who want something to relate to, so I'd be really happy if other aros and aspec people weigh in, even/especially if its to point out the places where I'm overgeneralizing or just plain wrong. I'm not any kind of expert on this, it's obviously just my thoughts.

This is even more important because I'd also hope that this gets to non-aspecs and gives you some insight into our experiences with amatonormativity, because we are a pretty small community and if the world is going to get safer for us we need your help. If this post makes sense to you, please share it, because people need to hear it.

I don’t have a solution to the problems presented here, though the staples of this kind of thing are important: include aspecs, in your fiction and your discussions. think before you say something that might erase or dehumanize us, and if an aspec person tells you something you said was hurtful to them, listen. don’t constantly push romance onto people. (specifically @ some allo aces, many/most of you are fine but you know who you are, don’t put romantic stuff in our tags please god why). more generally, it would be really cool to start tagging things as romance or romance mention because some of us are romance repulsed and don’t want to be surprised by that stuff.

(Finally, because this post does talk a lot about religion, I do want to mention that I don’t mean to trivialize or take away from what religious minorities face, or say that our problems are one to one identical. Please let me know if some part of this is offensive because that's not my intention at all.)

TLDR: Since people seem to have trouble understanding how alienated aspec people feel in a society whose values are fundamentally hostile to our existence, here’s an example that might be more relatable.