#i wasnt going to write the whole thing because i know these are extremely depressive thoughts but here u go

[skelekins]

:P

[wiihtigo]

whats the deal with hoostergold. i love casey i want to know why she hates booster gold and why shes right. i mean . misguided.

writing this assuming you dont know anything about booster gold from dc comics LOL

so casey started working for booster as his personal assistant in his peak IDGAF era (that stretch of time when he wasnt doing much in comics around after the jli disbanded and superbuddies time..before ted kord died and he got his new zest for life. i mean suicide)

casey just left home freshly 18 with big dreams of making it in the glamourous city of metropolis. even though casey doesnt really care that much about superheroes, at this point she did find booster inspiring as a celebrity in the way that he was a cheat and a hack when he got his start but still made a name for himself anyways (and honestly wasnt immune from a little being dazzled by The booster gold) and she thought since "Hey no ones heard from booster gold in a minute since the justice league exploded" he would be an easy (semi-easy. easier than superman at least) (she probably tried. got nowhere) target for walking up to and asking for a job. and her luck was maxxed out that day because she did just show up at his house and ask for a job and he was like Lol why not. she had it in her head she'd fix his career and get his name back in the spotlight and in turn, booster would help her break into the acting scene with his hero celeb connections

she worked for him for a long time and then BOOM ted kord got shot in the head and as that wound was freshly opened he was in a peak state of whats the fucking point of anything i dont care i dont care so he fired casey, because honestly he was just paying her to be an errand boy at that point anyways/to be nice and casey took it extremely well

casey during her employment for booster was giving 100% of herself to give him anything he didnt know he wanted (even though he didnt really want anything and was content to chill by the poolside all hours of the day). her investment in boosters life was always wayyyyyyy more than booster even cared about what he was having for dinner that night. he always just kind of humored her/thought it was handy to have her around if he needed someoen to find the remote he lost somewhere in his living room. but she was literally on the mission of her life, shes the type to work crazy overtime because she thinks her boss will notice her and be so appreciative she'll get rewarded (stupid) and all her work will be worth it in the end when shes living like he is. but then shes suddenly fired and instead of just getting a new job and accepting Sometimes Life Sucks (or the horrifying thought SHE may have made the mistake of betting it all on this guy who can barely remember her name half the time because hes too busy watching wheel or fortune 24/7) shes like I have to fucking kill this BLONDE DEMON

the thing about that is shes like blind with rage that he wasted her prime youth (18-most of her 20s) and for the first time in her stupid delusional life she experiences soul crushing doubt in her lifes direction and the clear path she set out for herself. caseys mom had her when she was 16 and never hid the fact she never wanted kids (never wanted casey) and she resents the fact she had to drop out of school and get a job she hates to support them and casey sees her mom being this talented but utterly defeated and depressed alcoholic woman in her 40s and feels a mixture of Well i wont go and do that im built different and IM FUCKING SCARED which is what leads her to moving to a whole new huge city by herself no friends no education just in the cheap dingy apartment barking

so with all that baggage and hope and dreams in that big head of hers the real only option was murder

[lemonboyjosten]

—tw//health deterioration, mva, depression

wow it's been awhile since it posted anything huh, hi i'm alive. i've got so much to say while i was away. personally, this year has been an extreme struggle for me and i can't express how much i needed this platform to confide in you precious beings. i sincerely hope you all have been well, and those of you who usually hang around in my comment section, i havent forgotten the lot of you. you can stick with me on this rant or choose to scroll away. either way i need to get this out of my chest so to those who have wasted your time reading this, thank you, i appreciate it.

if i calculated right, i've been off social media for give or take, 4 months now. this year started off sluggish for me because i got tested positive for covid early march and being immunodeficient really affected my health which pretty much deteriorated since then, not to mention my already suckish lungs were failing on me. hence, i wasn't able to continue with classes so med school was put on hold and then came the early signs of depression knocking on my door as though it was personally invited. i needed some sense of normalcy so i thought i would be healthy enough to get back to the flow of writing and i was, even had my thought process in order and my tiny lungs even started recovering slowly after a month. so i started writing again and even signed up for the aftg exchange and everything with full confidence that i'll be able to deliver and give back to the fandom. i had the whole draft ready to be proof read and posted, with a few other projects i was working waiting to be published but all that went to hell when i was involved in a motor vehicle accident that day which cost me partial function of my leg.

3 months of physiotherapy helped me recover some of my strength but my ambulatory power has reduced for the time being. to add fuel onto the fire, the accident injured my lungs further and i was unstable for quite a period of time. to say i was devastated would be an understatement , i thought of giving up altogether. plus, i lost my scholarship because i wasnt able sit for my exams due to being absent for many classes and that really brought me down. the thought of being a constant dissapoinment and burden to my family members was something i couldn't process the thought of having failed those who've constantly had hopes for me and that hurt even more. i failed to even to contribute in the fandom after receiving my exchange gift made me feel like shit but then i had the best support during these last few months which helped me get back into shape and the right mindset. they even encouraged me to get back on track, start with your close friends circle, family then on my socials and actively engage with others and as cliche as it may sound, it worked wonders, i'm not even joking.

hell, i thought all my socials would've evaporated but based on the number of interaction i've received despite not showing any signs of life made me so happy. (our tiny not so tiny fandom is throving huh) my irls couldnt care less about my absence but the dms that came in through this account asking about my obsession with a stupid sports/mafia series really brought up my spirits and i will to continue my efforts because apprently it's a way to get rid of thoughts of self harm or loneliness; they say it's some kind of positive reinforcement or something like that. so here i am after months of suffering from hell and back. anywho, that's all for my sob story. i didnt want to go detail into some things but if you're interested to know more,feel free to dm me and i'll be more than happy to talk. here's to hoping 2022 would suck less and i'll have the capacity to write more. i miss you guys so much. either way, get ready for more aftg headcanons and fics coming your way. happy new year lovelies! take care and stay safe:)

[odd-triceratops702]

Idk what I'd give if someone writes this.

But I had this concept for the years about mingcheng. So like here it goes...

Anyways, so the fic goes like this: it's about 2 years after WWXs death and NMJ is SLOWLY getting affected by his qi deviation and is getting desperate in slowing down the symptoms and what not.

But then he meets up with JC (who cares where, could be a discussion conference or him visiting whtevs) and develops a HUGE crush. But JC doesn't realise it cuz he's really spread thin with leading yunmemg and raising Jin ling. So they interact a lot, with NMJ trying to support JC whilst he's still alive.

Eventually because JC is a masochist - he falls in love with NMJ and confesses, assuming that NMJ will friendzone him. Only for NMJ to admit his feelings as well. But it's bittersweet cuz NMJ is still dying from qi deviation (JGY is still a dick) so they rush their relationship. JC gets married to NMJ (this being NMJ favourite memory and JC favourite memory is NMJ interacting with JL) whilst NMJ is still stable and have many little moments together (like both of them teaching jin ling how to shoot and JC teaching NMJ how to use zidian because he trusts NMJ enough to not hurt others with zidian. )

Anyways NMJ eventually dies when Jin Ling is like 8 (and JL only has a few memories of NMJ which destroys JC) and JC & JHS grieve together. BUTTT JC didn't know the full story because NHS wanted to be the only one to get revenge for NMJs murder. So JC just thinks NMJ died because of qi deviation and slowly accepts it but never moves on because NMJ was his soulmate.

Fast forward to the plot, JGY is being confronted by WWX and the gang and JGY admits to killing NMJ and JC is destroyed. And he is Hella pissed, and tries to kill JGY buttttt doesn't because morals or whatever. LXC still kills JGY. But the twist is, that WWX doesn't know that mingcheng was a thing.

Shenanigans happen with WWX and NMJ and somehow WWX fixes him and makes him a fierce corpse... But the twist is that NMJ only remembers his life BEFORE having qi deviations. *Shock and disbelief ensures *

And since of the WWX and LWJ didn't know mingcheng happened, LXC being in seclusion and NHS feeling too guilty and bitter to be near NMJ. NMJ has no where to go and is having a lot of self-loothing because he is a fierce corpse, can't remember some of his later years and didn't figure out that JGY was killing him. But then NMJ stumbles into Lotus Pier...

NMJ meets up with JC and JC is shooketh. Buutttt then the whole memories erased thing becomes plot revelant and JC becomes insecure ..."If he everything else EXCEPT us, their relationship wasnt that important to him than it was to me...."

So JC keeps his distance from NMJ and lets him stay at lotus pier cuz he's a masochist. Only NMJ to get attach to JC and slowly fold back into JCs life. JC still loves him and this situation is slowly destroying him that JL notices. (Also NMJ knows he feels something to JC but doesn't know what it is, and is repressing it because of self-loothing)

Jin Ling has been prepping to become the Jin Sect leader whilst Lan qiren is his Regent cuz JC REFUSES for JL to lose his childhood like he did.

And Lan Qiren was bored and wanted to give WWX and LWJ some alone time idk. Anyways, JL is free and studying under Lan Qiren and JC on how to be a sect leader and one day whilst staying in lotus pier, he hears JC crying alone in his room. And gets super over-protective cuz "no one makes my favourite parent uncle cry."

And then JL bumps into NMJ and recognises him as jiujius husband from a painting or whatever. And realises that NMJ is the one making JC depressed. JL confront him, saying something on the lines of "that's yr soulmate buuuttttt you don't even recognise him because of yr self-loothing"

NMJ realises that he loves JC and those feelings he has been repressing were because of this.

That night NMJ confronts JC and emotions soarrrrrr. They realise that they are being stupid and get back together. And live out their days together.

*Some additions that isn't in the main plot,

*WWXs reaction to mingcheng like "wait JC lost his virginity BEFORE ME!! NOOO"

*Jin Ling and WWX being overprotective over JC

*JC being Lan Qirens favourite even though they're not related (pre-timeskip, they would have tea once a month because Lan Qiren used to have tea with JC's parents but not as regularly as they do. JC goes Lan Qiren for advice and Lan Qiren sees himself in JC)

*LXC reconciling with NMJ, (Im actually a fan of NMJ being a bit mad at LXC because LXC forced 3zun brotherhood) but both of them working out their issues

*NMJ and NHS interacting, NMJ understanding why NHS did it and didn't hold a grudge

BUT JC is angry with him because NHS didn't ask for help and didn't consider JCs feeling on the matter.

Eventually JC and NHS reconcile after NHS reveals his true nature to JC (like be more sly and intelligent in front of JC) and stops being the lazy headshaker. NHS is still sect leader because NMJ wants to live with JC and NHS wants to change the Niè sect. (Also NHS wants to become chief cultivator) (I just want NHS to be an evil mastermind, an ethical bastard with JCs support)

*maybe LXC and NHS romance, LXC being angry with NHS and being hostile with NHS (and then bring in the enemies to lovers trope)

*JC and WWX reconciling extremely quickly because JC now knows that time is precious and had forgiven WWX a long time ago (during when NMJ and him were first dating because he didn't want useless baggage to ruin mingcheng so he confessed EVERYTHING to NMJ and they moved past it)

*WWX being the strict uncle to JL, and JC, having more child rearing experiences, can handle a bratty teenager whilst WWX hates his past self for giving him karma

So yeah this is a prompt I've BEEN thinking about for a while and I don't want to write it sooooo

[cavehags]

i realize this will probably bring up old drama so you might not want to answer it. but do you ever regret, however on purpose or on accident, bringing all that unnecesary hate towards Katara? i'm really sad and dissapointed tbh. i'm a woman of color and katara was so important to me growing up. my favorite animated woman ever. and then this resurgence comes and theres so, so much unnecesary hatred for her and everyone ignoring everything that makes her a good character.

(2/3) 2- and you know, i expected this from the male side of the fandom. they were misogynistic to her and the others even back then so i would expect it to be even worse with how internet culture is more mysogistic now that ever. and i wasnt wrong. male atla fans had some truly horrible takes and views that just came across as racism and misogyny. but, i expected these circles to be better. to be a safe space for us woc who love this character. but i found the same weird hatred for her.

(3/3) 3-i just, i cant believe i feel less welcome now that i did even back then. and back then i didnt even paricipate really. but at least i could enjoy fandom content without stumbling into misogyny and racism every other post. also sorry for sending this to your personal blog b i just wanted to let you know you controbuted to that too even if it wasnt your intention. at least you realized that and arent contributing to it anymore right? cause honestly the hate has only gotten worse not less.

hey anon. thanks for asking this question, because i hadn’t addressed this topic previously and this gave me an opportunity to do so. 

no, i don’t regret publicly interpreting a character whom i love through a nuanced and human lens. and i don’t regret combating the one-dimensional interpretation of this character, which posits that she’s merely an vaguely defined object of attraction for some boy or another, and a singularly gentle, mature, maternal figure whose sole purpose in life is to nurture others. those interpretations suck. they rob her of the humanity and complexity that make her character unique and they stem from misogynistic tropes that reduce women to the services they can provide to men. the thing in the world that matters most to me is fighting misogyny, and this trend to diminish a proud and powerful and angry teenage girl by exaggerating only her most socially acceptable traits is misogyny. 

unlike you, i did not grow up watching avatar: the last airbender. the shows i watched growing up did not have a lot of girls who felt real to me. the girls i saw on tv growing up were simple. they were the main characters’ crushes. they were simple, desirable, usually sweet and loving, and not much else. if they had a flaw, it was that they were, at best, “awkward.” whatever that means. or if they were the protagonists, which was rare, they were nice enough and tried to do the right thing, but they never had strong feelings like resentment and anger. they weren’t allowed to be unfeminine which meant they weren’t allowed to be bitter, angry or in any way flawed. they didn’t look like the version of girlhood i knew to be true for me personally, which included a lot of anger and frustration and powerlessness. 

that crappy representation left me with internalized misogyny that chased me for longer than i’d like to admit. i did not learn to think of girls as humans who could be as interesting and flawed and messy as the boys were. i did not value myself as a girl, and later a woman, because i thought the best thing a girl could be was... bland. boring. pretty, but empty. passionless.

it would have meant the world to me to see a character like katara. 

because katara is angry. she has every right to be: she’s had so much stolen from her, including her mother, her people, and her childhood. katara has a short fuse. she yells. she snaps. she fucks up. sometimes she makes mean jokes! i never saw a single one of those dreamily perfect cartoon love interests make mean jokes when i was a kid. she is extremely idealistic--it’s her defining character trait--but we see the bad side of that as well as the good. we see that her need to help others  leads her to act rashly, to get herself into danger, to put others in danger too. 

and she has her very own arc. it’s not about her love for another person, either (what a snooze of a storyline); it’s about growing up and learning to break down some of that stubborn black-and-white thinking that we all indulge in as children. it’s a true coming-of-age arc and it belongs to a fourteen-year-old girl. 

when i, to use a phrase i find crass, “entered the fandom,” i quickly realized that other fans’ perceptions of katara did not line up with the things i valued most about her. other fans seemed to valorize her most socially acceptable feminine qualities: her generosity, her kindness, her dedication to helping others. and of course i love those parts of her--i love everything about her--but what is really remarkable about avatar: the last airbender is that katara’s many important virtues are also counterbalanced by equally significant flaws. a good character has flaws. katara is a good character, and a deviation from the characters who made up my formative media landscape, because she has flaws. her temper, her idealism, her stubbornness--these are flaws. flaws make her seem real and human and challenge the mainstream sentiment that girls are not real or human.

it simply did not occur to me that celebrating these aspects of katara that make her a realistic and well-written teenage girl would spark ire from other adult fans. it absolutely did not occur to me that i would then be blamed for somehow causing misogynistic interpretations of this character, particularly given that misogynistic interpretations of this character are the very thing i sought to correct when i began to blog about this television show.

i’m told there are “fans” on instagram and tiktok who think katara is whiny, annoying, and overly preoccupied with her trauma. i do not use instagram or tiktok, so i wouldn’t know, but i’ll take your word for it. respectfully, however, they didn’t get that from me. misogynistic takes on katara have existed since before i came along. i have never, ever called katara whiny. and seeing as i have been treating my own PTSD in therapy for nine years, you can safely conclude that i don’t think anyone, katara included, is overly preoccupied with their trauma. that’s not a thing. do i think she’s annoying? of course not! as a character, she’s a delight. does she sometimes find real joy in aggravating her brother and her friends? yes, because she’s 14. i, an adult, am not annoyed by her. sokka and toph often are, because that is katara’s goal and katara always succeeds in her goals. she’s not “annoying.” 

if there are “fans” who are indeed following lesbians4sokka and somehow misreading every single post and interpreting them to mean that we hate katara and they should too, i don’t really know what you want me to do about that. l4s has over ten thousand followers and we have already posted so many essays disavowing katara hate. our feminist and antiracist objectives in running the blog are literally pinned with the headline “please read.”

furthermore, you cannot reasonably expect my co-blogger and me to control the way our words will be received. we should not have to, and are not going to, add a disclaimer to every post saying that when we critique or make jokes about a teenage girl we are doing so through a feminist lens. our url is lesbians4sokka, and we are clearly women. if that alone doesn’t make it obvious, then refer back to that pinned post. 

it is indescribably frustrating, and really goddamn depressing as well, that people are so comfortable with the misogynistic binary of Perfect Good Women and Flawed Wicked Bitches that they perceive any discussion of a woman’s flaws to be necessarily relegating her to the latter camp. if that is how you (a generic you) perceive women, then i’m sorry, but you’ve internalized sexism that i cannot cure you of. and it’s unjust to expect my friend and me to write for the lowest common denominator of readers who have not yet had their own feminist awakenings. we do not write picture books for babies. we write for ourselves, and with the expectation that our readers can think critically. reading media through a feminist lens is my primary interest; i have no intention of excising that angle from my writing.

as i go through my life, i am going to embrace the flaws of girls and women because not enough people do. as long as the dominant narratives surrounding women are “good and perfect” and “unlovable wh*re,” you’ll find me highlighting flawed, realistic, righteously angry women in the margins. and for what it’s worth, it’s not just katara. i champion depictions of angry girls in all sorts of media. that’s sort of my whole thing. my favorite movies are part of the angry girl cinematic universe: thoroughbreds, jennifer’s body, hard candy, jojo rabbit, et cetera. on tv, in addition to katara, you’ll find me celebrating tuca and bertie, poppy from mythic quest, tulip and lake from infinity train, korra, and more. i adore all these women and see myself in them. i hope you find this suitably persuasive to establish that i have sufficient Feminist Cred, according to your standards, to observe and write about these very flawed and human fictional women. 

what i’m saying is this: i decline to take responsibility for the misogynistic discourse orbiting a children’s cartoon. as someone who writes about that series from a perspective that seeks to add humanity and nuance to the reductive, one-dimensional, overwhelmingly sexist writing that already exists, i am pretty taken aback that i am the one being blamed for the very problem i sought to address. except not that taken aback because i am a woman online, haha! and this is always how it goes for us. 

finally, i think it sucks that you’ve chosen to blame me for a problem that begins and ends with the patriarchy. i can’t control the way this response will be perceived, just like how i can’t control the way anything will be perceived because i am just one human woman, but i do hope you choose to be reflective, and consider why you’ve chosen this avenue to assign blame. 

[maggotmouth]

          hillo sexthy legends !!   i’m nora and i’ll be writing margo colby n probs sm1 else bcos lets be real, i lack self-control. u can find her pinterest here n some info abt her sexy self below the cut. plot with me on discord ( hot girl midsommar#8664 ) or in my ims !!  x o x

     * CAMILA MORRONE, CIS WOMAN + SHE / HER  | you know MARGO COLBY, right? they’re TWENTY-THREE, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, ELEVEN YEARS? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to SCRAWNY BY WALLOWS  like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole BLEACH WHITE SNEAKERS POUNDING ON A GYMNASIUM FLOOR, USING THE SAME BLUNT SCISSORS TO HACK THE SLEEVES OFF AN EXES T-SHIRT THAT YOU USE TO CUT YOUR 3AM FRINGE, A WALNUT-SHAPED ACHE IN THE PIT OF YOUR STOMACH FOR THE PERSON YOU COULD HAVE BEEN thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is AUGUST 8TH, so they’re a LEO, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( nora, 25, gmt, she/her )

CLICK ANYWHERE ON THIS SENTENCE FOR SEXII GOOGLE DOC!!

bullet point summary of margo.

—   born margaret but NOBODY calls her that. its colby, coach or margo, and go to the privileged few. margo grew up in the creek commune n then dropped out of school cos of a teenage pregnancy so she was a bit of a cautionary tale back in’t’day (said tht in my yorkshire accent). she now works for summer camps coaching pee wee soccer and pee wee cheer, as well as helping out her beekeeper dad on his honey farm, which is jst north of abernathy creek, and working at scuba on the off seasons.

—  its just her and her dad, and has been for as long as she can recall !! everything she knows about her mum could fit on the back of the weathered passport photo she keeps in her wallet of a stranger who shares her face - her name’s melody, or at least tht was name she used when working as a dancer, she’s from argentina and dropped mag’s dad as soon as someone w more money came along.

—  margo’s father is a beekeeper with his own organic honey company. margo and her dad moved to irving in the early 00s, the summer between grade school and middle school, because her dad had heard about the communal living in abernathy creek and wanted to lend his skills there and live off the fatta the land in a very lenny from of mice and men kinda way.

—  for a few years of middle school margo was bullied for living with the ‘freaks from the creek’, but when they realised how chill her dad was with underage drinking, margo ‘keg-bringer’ colby soon gained popularity among the more renegade students. every so often, the high school parties would happen at her end of town, occasionally with members of the commune even offering the high schoolers a spiritual experience they’d never forget (often in the form of mushrooms) which meant people tried to stay on her good side. to get an invite to a margo colby party handed you a free pass to make up the most ridiculous shit about the commune you liked and nobody else could say anything, because they’d never been to the creek.

—  at school, margo had a lot of ‘behvioural issues’ bcos of undiagnosed adhd, she found it difficult to sit still for hours n write down huge chunks of information n her restlessness was seen as laziness. she was encouraged to do sports, as were most of the kids who weren’t that academically inclined, but she turned out to be pretty hot shit at sprinting, because she grew up surrounded by bee houses and he who runs slowest gets stung, baybeyy!! so yea, in school sports became her LIFE. she was gonna get a sports scholarship to college but ended up dropping out of school in senior year n becoming one of those kids who could have had it all but lost it.

—  she had sex with sutter at a house party when she wasnt really ready because it felt like the right thing to do at the time and everybody else was doing it. she’d attended health class, she’d seen the corny videos. she knew about all the statistics, but she also knew that it had never happened to anyone she knew and the pull out method was basically safer than the morning after pill and way less expensive.

—  a teenage pregnancy knocked her out of the runnings for prom queen and meant she had to leave school early. she didn’t go to college when her friends did, instead she spent the time interviewing potential foster candidates and eating her weight in lindt chocolate while marathoning love island in her room.  

—  she had a son, who she passed off to someone else a couple of towns away.  it was a closed adoption which seemed like the best idea at the time, but she now wishes she had access to his life.

—  after peaking in high school and jumping between jobs for a few years, she got a more permanent role at scuba which she loves with all of her heart and soul, but unfortunately a bar job doesn’t pay the rent.  

—  she works at summer camps coaching  junior soccer and netball on the side. she’s extremely competitive and takes it very personally if her team lose. the kids all call her, coach colby n write her longwinded letters about how they’ll never forget this summer camp before they go back to their suburban picket fence houses n she keeps all the letters in a drawer n takes them out to read when she’s feelin depressed.

—  enjoys surfing and worked for a number of years on resorts like mila kunis’ job in forgetting sarah marshall. she went on to work 18-hour days as a stewardess on luxury yachts which is a part of her backstory i added after watching season one of below deck because i guess i really am that fucking impressionable. met most of her surf friends doing tht but said she’d never in her life do it again bcos it was mostly just picking up after rich white ppl for shit pay. she came back to irving n thats when she started doing the summer camp jobs so she could move out of the creek n get her own apartment. 

—  she never actually finished senior year so she’s currently going to night school at the community college to get through her exams and is trying to save to go to college or open university. she wants to major in criminology. she’s super ambitious but also super adhd so she fluctuates between thinking she can achieve anything to just feeling like a failure n thinkin whats the point

—  used to shoplift to feel joy and as an act of resistance to her hippy commune routes, but now sees herself as a reformed, bin-diving freegan (sims 4 eco living can i get a hell yaaaa). also she thinks it’s totally wrong to steal when you have enough money and clearly don’t need to steal to survive, ppl risk imprisonment for basic necessities, so for her to do it for a brief thrill and some new shades felt a bit derogatory

—  was raised jewish. became a vegetarian as a child because it seemed, at the time, easier than having to explain which foods she was and wasn’t allowed to eat together, so she just cut out meat entirely. still a vegetarian now and dabbles in veganism, although its become less about not eating certain meats in the milk of their mother and more about her global impact / carbon footprint

—  nurses little animals to health in her garden. has a hedgehog name OJ short for orange juice not the other one filthy pig. her and her dad have always been huge animal rights activists and existed on a vegetarian diet. the only one in their house who isn’t vegetarian is their cat, auggie. (short 4 augustus gloop)

—  has a lot of stupid ass stick and poke tattoos. there was a phase during her years as a barmaid where she wanted to train as a tattoo artist n would mostly practice on herself or any friends who would let her

—  she doesn’t form many long lasting friendships cos she tends to be super excited when she makes a new friend and just see them all the time but then it wears off and she can ghost a bit. she’ll always coming pinging back but she’s not the most predictable or loyal friend, sometimes she’ll sleep in your house every night for a week and then you won’t even get a text from her for a month. her best friends are elderly neighbours and houseless people she meets when volunteering at the foodbank. she thinks they’re more authentic than most of the ‘fake posers’ she meets down the vela pier

—  calls herself a butch lesbian but still has sex with men when she wants validation. sexually attracted to some men, especially effeminate men, but only romantically attracted to women. very possessive of the gals in her life.

—  stopped giving a shit about getting older or adhering to anyone elses bullshit standards, realised it was all fake p much as soon as she dropped out of school and one by one her friends just stopped texting her

—  lives in one of the lofts in port apartments. it’s open plan with rugs and lava lamps everywhere. she has a palette bed. its all very ‘sustainable chic’. like, oh wow, a pallet bed that im supposed to think you made from scratch but i KNOW you got it  off ebay because you thought it looked trendy

—  constantly says shes poor but still buys clothes from urban outfitters. sus.

—  frequently found at fannies flirting with the cute bisexual bartender with a choppy black bob.

general vibe / personality

vibrant, vulgar, self-absorbed, tenacious, veers bewteen apathetic and dogmatic, temperamental, flighty, unreliable, magnetic, charismatic, passive aggressive, likes to play devil’s advocate, takes the moral high ground. estp and a leo

likes: 70s music, john wayne movies, black mirror, philosophy, cowboy chic culture, dc comics, the smell of locker rooms,, deep red lipstick, lacrosse sticks, smoking weed from a bong, dogs, karaoke, pet rats, kate moss, late-night strolls, hawaaiian shirts worn open over a bralette, skinned knees, thai food, picking the apples at the very top of the trees, zip-lining, cigarettes, the idea of pegging but not the practical application of it, decorative lamps, LGBTQ+ pin badges, worn-out furniture, twangy electric guitars.

dislikes: girls who call other girls ‘pick me’ girls, woody allen movies, mental mathematics, wealthy children, quentin tarantino, ironing, institutionalised misogyny, the imaginary future, french literature, ‘dump him’ feminism, wes anderson films, spoken word poetry nights, college-educated bar staff who act like they’re better than you,  indie softbois, the general mentality of cheerleading squads.

aesthetics

orange peel, the smell of bleach, skeleton drawings in the margins of a journal, thumb holes poked through the cuffs of your sleeves, bleach white sneakers pounding on a gymnasium floor, setting dumpsters on fire for the hell of it. a hit flask of vodka decorated with hello kitty stickers, split knuckles, alien conspiracy theories and sci-fi paperbacks, doc martens with fraying laces, a child in an oversize bee keepers suit, scabbed knees, not eating your greens, smiling with a mouthful of blood, and piercing your own ears with a safety pin when your dad wouldn’t take you,  a tennis racket you punched through in a fit of temper, feet pounding the earth until your soles bleed crimson, sleeping in a cherry lip balm and scrunchies to keep the wild locks from your eyes.

hoo boy this is getting LONG AS FUCK but here are my wanted plots

wanted plots

ok margo’s been in irving since she was like 10. she’s quite a vivacious person?? she dresses completely instinctively without any sense of cohesion so she stands out. a guy once told her she was wearing the ugliest outfit he’d ever seen and he thought that was so cool and brave of her. but anyway where was i going.. she grew up in the abernathy creek so stuck out like a sore thumb,,,, maybe ppl who were super interested in the creek or maybe poked fun at her bcos of it idk.....

b4 she dropped out, margo used 2 b in with the cool kids at school bcos her dad would buy them booze and rarely ask for the money. maybe a fun plot cld b with some of the ‘it girls’ she used to hang around with b4 she got pregnant n dropped out and they all went off to college n stopped texting her.

frinds !! unlikely friends !! toxic friends !! some1 she feels like she knew before irving ???

since margo literally can’t differentiate between romantic and platonic love, she’s got off with so many of her mates, so i want awkward friendships where they nearly dated, or exes that have now just turned into weird friendships. fwbs. enemies with benefits. all the angst. all the slow burn mutual pining we hate each other narratives

locals who play sports. margo wld be all over community soccer n take it way too seriously. maybe ppl she plays hockey with. girls who she’s like, weirdly intimate with but its not a thing cos the other girls straight !!! what do u mean !! aha just fun !

she works part time at scuba. i want a mate that just goes and sits in there talking to her until her manager gets angry.

she's also a surf instructor and occasionally works as a lifeguard!! gal has like 7 jobs ik but regular swimmers hmu

ppl she coaches at the gym !! she wants to be a personal trainer

i reckon she might have recently started meditating to try and calm down her mind cos its always bustling with thoughts, n i think she’s p interested in buddhism so if anyone’s a buddhist hmu

someone she’s trying to make a zine with on female empowerment and women in film and art, etc. just a very feminist zine. 

TLDR:  angry sports gay, former high school track prodigy turned drop out, who likes feminist literature, wearing leather jackets over slip dresses, and smudged red lipstick.

this was so long !!! im sorry !! if you’ve read this far have a biscuit, love x

[bloody-vino]

Ichiban x Depressed S/O

“sorry if this is a weird ask, but could we get some ichiban headcanons for an s/o that has depression?” I had this ask and tumblr managed to fuck up my asks and my post didnt show on my feed so here is a repost.

First of all, No its not weird to ask at all, there are so many people who stan the Yakuza characters and i want to write personalised headcanons and fanfics for everyone so that they can imagine themselves to be a part of that universe. I am a POC (brown girl) and i too would like to read hcs/fanfics where I am represented next to my stans even though they are worlds apart.

So i guess to everyone who wants to send in asks please go ahead send me your wildest reqeusts because i am probably going to enjoy writing them a tad bit more. Even tho i will write everything that is sent in regardless :)

Please forgive me if i dont represent this mental illness well, do private message me to correct any inaccuracies or to take it down as a whole. I am here to learn and i will accept any feedback given to me.

So for this I am going to assume that the reader has had a traumatising childhood which has led to them being diagnosed with depression in current years.

1) S/O always managed to put up a smile and laugh when Ichiban and they initially started dating, thats why Ichi never really knew about S/O's illness.

2) But a year later the depression worsened. This started reflecting in many ways, S/O had no interest in many things that once got them excited, there was a constant cloud of self doubt, comparison to other people, sleeping in late and extreme lack of self care because they didnt think they deserved it.

3) Ichiban started noticing these worsening traits, he wasnt well versed with the attributes of this illness and was far from knowing how to manage someone suffering from it.

4) He would always ask his S/O to go out and do fun stuff with him, like watch a movie or go to the arcade. There used to be a time they were super excited to go but now they would just say "Not in the mood today" or "im very tired maybe some other time". Ichiban would really be heartbroken not understanding why. Maybe his S/O lost interest in him?

5) Ichiban would notice his S/O lose interest in talking about things they could ramble on for hours, initially he would feel it is because they dont want to talk to HIM, not because of any other reason. Soon he will begin realising that its an over all change and that he needs to do something about it.

6) There would also be moments when his S/O would randomly say they should not be together because Ichiban deserved someone better or randomly compare to someone walking by the street which would always get Ichi riled up and send him into an energetic frenzy trying explain his S/O amazingness back to them.

7) To tackle this problem first he will discuss it with Nanba or Adachi, trying to figure out things. Nanba being an ex nurse will probably have an idea of what is happening. He will let Ichiban know that S/O is dealing with some sort of internal battle and its not just ordinary relationship problems.

8) Ichiban will take it upon himself. He will read every article, website or material he can get his hands on to figure out how depression works. He will understand it properly and then calmly talk to S/O about it. To find out what exactly is going on. He will lift S/O spirits simply by putting in so much effort.

9) Ichi will get all his friends to spend alot more time with S/O at home especially when they say they are feeling tired to go out, and plan alot more things inside their comfort zone instead of forcing S/O to go out. Ichiban will try re introducing their interests through creative ways he thinks would work. Like giving them a card which says "Dear S/O, please take my dragon on a quest again. Yours, Ichi"

10) After speaking to some people he will realise that therapy is an option and that it is not just for people suffering with mental illness but it is just as important for people who arent. So if S/O is reluctant to get any therapy, he will get the help of Nanba and everyone to convince S/O to go for it and even offer to join for sessions himself.

Overall, Ichiban would emotionally be upset that his lover suffers from depression, because internally he doesnt want anyone to feel like they are at an all time low since he has personally been there several times. This is why he will always make sure he is positive about it and always there to support

[b0ttl3d-up-st4rs]

Well I'm gonna do what I do best and self reflect to an insane amount. This is probably gonna be a long post so buckle up.

To be honest my behavior for nearly the past year now is concerning to say the least. There's this little voice in my head that just desperately wants to get more and more hurt, more and more traumatized. Why is that? At first glance the negative approach could be to say its some sort of masochistic behavior and any negative repercussions as a result of this behavior is deserved, but I don't really think thats the case.

Self sabotage is a characteristic that can be exhibited in many mentally ill people and I am no exception. I think this behavior, of seeking to be hurt by grown men on the internet is partially self sabotage.

And I remember when I first started this shit show, I just wanted attention. Sounds mean to say, but craving attention is something the human soul desperately wants. And I was starting to feel some sense of self beauty but I didn't feel as though anyone around me was appreciating it so I tried to get attention from grown men because being showered in compliments and attention felt so good when my whole life I've never gotten any of that.

I think there's more too it, though. Looking back my whole life it's almost as if I've wanted to get hurt. In books I liked to sit around with the pain the characters felt. And its almost like I wanted to get traumatized. I've heard that people with trauma that they don't acknowledge is trauma or think its bad enough to be traumatizing seek put worse forms of trauma, in order to feel that pain is valid. And I think that's part of my issue too.

I do have unaddressed and repressed childhood trauma. I was given unrestricted internet at a young age and was exposed to the horrors of the internet. Nothing like straight up porn, but a lot of suggestive content. And in general being exposed to that caused me a lot of catholic guilt as I was raised catholic. I remember feeling like knowing these things were my fault. Many days I felt so guilty that I would pray to god to let me not wake up in the morning.

As a child I also questioned my religion a lot, which i think was traumatic in itself. Religion is a big thing. And as a kid I had a big issue knowing reality from fiction. Heck I still do. I remember as a kid my friend telling me that we were all demigods and one day we were going to run away to camp half blood. That the percy jackson books were real. It sounds stupid now, but I processed that as real and it was so stressful for me.

And I remember being 12 coming out as trans and as a part of the lgbtq community to my parents. They didnt react well. They said I was confused. My mom said I was both too young and too old to know. I fought a lot with my mom. And in general have a lot of unhappy memories from then. I was outed multiple times in my life.

My relationship with my parents still isnt good. My mom has a tendency to be toxic. I hate that I have to stay in the closet around my family its so painful. Like a month ago I mentioned the lgbtq community for the first time in years, asking my mom her opinions on it and if it changed since 2017, and it turned into her yelling at me and making herself a victim. It really hurt. I forgot how much it hurt.

I don't really have much of a relationship with my dad. We barely talk. Hes very emotionally distant. When I'm at my dad's house I sort of fend for myself. Its the exact opposite at my moms house. She's overbearing and never leaves you alone. It's like going between to extremes.

And honestly I can't wait to move out. My mom and I have arguments a lot. But hey at least I have some relationship with her, I don't really have a relationship with my dad.

I remember one time this year, I was during the end of a school semester. I needed to catch up on work because after talking to my abuser for like 5 months and then unlocking him I was left in shambles and fell into a really bad depression to where my motivation for school just disapeared. Im still dealing with that tbh. Anyways I had to go to a online meeting to choose my classes and I didn't get to choose the classes I thought I would be able to, and that made me really upset. But after the meeting I had to go to do am act of kindness (I chose picking up litter at a graveyard cause i like graveyards) for my school project but I was still distraught. If I was given some time to myself I probably wouldve been able to go without issue, but my mom wanted to go immediately. We argued. And when I got there I refused to leave the car because I felt so much like shit. We argued more. It was the worst argument I ever had. She even swore at me. Which she's never done before. And she ended up playing victim again. She does that a lot I guess. And doesn't really listen to my feelings. Whenever I try to communicate about my feelings with her it turns into an argument and she makes it about herself. So yeah our relationship isn't the greatest. And I think having mommy and daddy issues is a trauma in itself. Ppl deserve to have happy healthy supportive families.

Oh right and another trauma I completely forgot (funny how that happens) is when I was 14 and admitted to a mental hospital because I tried to off myself. It was so surreal and they forced me to learn how to make eye contact with people cause apparently thats "how they know im doing ok". Which is kinda fucked considering the fact I recently realized I might be autistic. And eye contact is literally so painful for me. It especially was back then. Anyways the place itself wasnt too bad but the feeling of being trapped overall sucks and being disconnected from the rest of the world isnt fun either. Also I dissociate all the time but I especially dissociated hard thru the whole experience. And sort of made myself into the perfect patient, repeating all their bs and literally lying to myself to convince myself that I was ok so they would let me go. So that was kind of weird.

Anyways I know I have it better than others. And honestly sometimes it's hard to tell what exactly was traumatic in my childhood. I probably forgot and repressed other parts of it too and am forgetting things. But needless to say these unaddressed traumas didn't help my mental state. And i do think that's a big part of the voice in my head begging me to just get hurt more.

Overall my mental state is fucked, It's been really hard for me not to be taken advantage of by another internet pedo. Heck the only reason that isn't happening rn is because no ones dmed me yet. Also I unblocked my old abuser and we are talking again now so thats fun. It definitely doesnt help the cognitive dissonance in my brain of him being actually a nice and supportive dude. I think thats also a part of me wanting to get more traumatized. Since my abuser is a nice person that should counteract all the fucked up sexual things he said to me in the past right? I mean others have it worse, had worse abusers that were actively cruel. That's part of the bitch in my subconscious brain talking. It sucks tbh.

Anyways yeah I probably need therapy but I don't feel comfortable talking about this to my current counselor and honestly its really hard to say out loud. I can talk forever about it by writing it down but the moment I speak words from my dumbass mouth I break down in tears and can't do it. Plus idk, I'm scared if I say anything she'll have to tell my parents and that my phone might be taken away or I'll have less privacy and for a closeted queer where my only current life line is the internet and my online friends: that is a terrifying idea. Idk. I'm fucked basically.

[literalbuzzkill]

Below I'm gonna vent so y'all can ignore that XD

I'm basically making this post as a timestamp/reminder for myself about Covid2020 and what I had to deal with during it (even though it's still a relentlessly ongoing problem, as of Jan2021, yikes)

Below is my personal experience in switching from working everyday as an essential retail worker to now a stay at home unemployed/leave of absense person. Don't feel bad about not reading it, it's long, boring, and I can't really expect anyone to actually be interested because the struggle is real and who wants to be reminded of the grim reality we can't currently escape? XD

[The Start:]

I was still working retail up until a few months ago because most people left. And being short staffed already before covid at my store, things became an even worse unmanageable nightmare because they started to work the remaining staff to death because no one really knew what to do which sucked and everyone was rightfully afraid of what was happening all around them, plus everyone internally was hoping that this would all blow over in a decent amount of time and we could all return to normal and never speak of it again. Considering Covid started around late January/early February in 2019 and today's date (for my future reference) is Jan 4th 2021, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that it certainly has not blown over in a decent amount of time like originally hoped for. Oof.

I was a closer but because of covid my job turned into 'every position at the store and everything/anything that you can possibly get done'. All the stuff from morning team, mid shift, and nightshift rolled into one. Cashiering, phone calls, cleaning, ship from store, backroom, covering multiple breaks, and every department on hardlines salesfloor,

(I did everything except for guest services, food service, clothing, and hr)

you name it XD because most people abandoned ship and Yeeted (which I dont blame them for, t'was a big mood) our store did not hire replacements until literally a few months ago. After I left. Nice.

We were not getting paid any extra, having to stay late, running around with an unending unfinishable list, having to deal with rude customers and cranky bosses, full 8+hour shifts having to wear a mask (even in the break room, and sometimes missing breaks all together because of the large work load) Another problem, my job did not supply masks, proper cleaning supplies, gloves etc to us until an unacceptable amount of time had passed since the start of the virus. Now I didn't expect them to be stocked and fully prepared immediately, obviously.

It was also pretty frustrating getting reprimanded by customers when supplies were low everywhere and some things necessary for existing safely could not be bought anywhere due to high demand, which was only natural, but some people actually acted like it was our personal fault for the store for being sold out of things like hand sanitizer, masks, gloves, toilet paper, and even accused us for holding it in the back for ourselves (which wasnt the case, customers are top priority at our store so the workers usually got nothing to take home or buy, even if we had pulled it from the truck or stocked it ourselves.)

Aside from the excessive draining from normal retail where we already suffer from Karen's and the often unpleasant general public, the Rona made the daily grind even more intense, as if we already thought it couldn't get any worse.

Straying away from that for a second, personal lives were now also affected greatly. Added on top of this new fear/caution/lifestyle was not being able to see my fiance or his family for months because they are all at very high risk. (Unfortunately I am too, but I really needed the paycheck so I thought I had to keep working until the inevitable, which was not looked forward to, but as long as I was potentially exposed with my job we all had to be apart unless I decided to quit and risk not having enough money to pay my bills or survive.)

(Side note for context: My fiance and I have been very lucky enough to see eachother almost every day for 4 years. Surprisingly we have not gotten sick of eachother yet and kept up with that regularity. And though we are engaged, we dont live together, but we do only live 15 minutes away so we just drive over to eachother everyday. Anyway, point being that going months without seeing him at all killed me internally hardcore. This was before zoom was popular and we were not about to resort to Skype. His parents are older and closer to me than my own family and were not comfortable with any form of in-person visits so we usually just did phone calls.)

And eventually I gave up,

I made it halfway through this pandemic working everyday, not seeing the only people I considered family, and I couldn't do it anymore. It literally didn't feel human.

Not to mention this did not help whatsoever with my pre-existing problems, bad depression, anxiety, ptsd, Self h, etc... it was all just getting way too out of hand with more stress piling up daily and taking too big a toll on me to the point where I couldn't deal with my regular lifestyle anymore. I needed a break and a change to severely turn myself around.

So a few months ago I finally went on leave of absence and it was the hardest thing for me to do but honestly the best thing I did. Because everything was so uncertain and I worried about how helpful unemployment would be towards my bills, if I'd lose my job for being gone too long due to an open ended leave of absense for the sake of my health/safety, and honestly I loved my job and my coworkers, but many of them had already left so at that point it became easier for me to leave.

I'm currently making more on unemployment than my job was paying my bi-weekly and doing leagues better mentally, emotionally, and physically, than before when I thought I could last the whole time working through covid hoping I wouldn't catch it and probably die because my health is not 100% gucci in the first place. I was too stubborn to quit until I got to a breaking point and then realised that putting my health/life on the line when I'm at risk during a pandemic for literally no reason other than feeling bad for my one really kind boss (who ended up leaving for a better job anyway right after I left)

in my brain the whole time I figured "eh if I die then I die" but there was a major upside to saying "you know what, fuck this" and leaving.

I've gotten to take up hobbies and do things that I've wanted to do for like 10 years, I improved my financial situation, bought my dream car(A 2004Crossfire), got engaged to the love of my life, had more time to read, write, learn, create, help my fiance record his first official music video, support smaller businesses, get back in better physical health, regain stability, and a new respect for life, health, friends, family, acts of kindness, and how easy things used to be before covid and how it was unintentionally taken for granted.

Not gonna lie, at first I was pretty mad that people on unemployment made more than essential workers, but I also knew that it wasn't their fault for their personal situations or reasonings for needing it. The problem was mainly that many Companies/jobs could have done more, treated essential workers better, given more help, compensated financially, offered forms of protectionagaint the virus, or done literally anything extra at all to help employees who were struggling or who stay to continue working there during a terrible pandemic, and some companies/jobs have done good things for their workers in response of the outbreak which is awesome.

Workers should absolutely be compensated for their extra efforts, time, and pleasant attitude in this difficult time, and treated better than they are. Some things should 1000% be different but some things in this world are still a work in progress.

And also, for people with health issues that are at risk but working anyway for whatever reason, there shouldn't be any shame felt for taking care of yourself or by the people who have to go on unemployment, those who can't work, lost their jobs, need help or a break, or just can't do it anymore, because it hits hard when you realise that even though your effort is important and you're doing your best, playing an important role in society, you could also be risking your health/life or even possibly someone you live withs, for a company that will replace you pretty easily if you're suddenly gone.

I worked at my store for 4 years, was extremely hard working and did everything and anything I could to stay as long as I could during this, but I realised that I'd rather not risk myself and be treated how I was.

Ultimately, the sad reality is that covid has some people forgetting that humans (whether working or not) are humans too that can die or fail at any time given the current circumstances. Some situations are unavoidable like a pandemic, but we can do our best with whatever reality we meet, whether it's being essential the whole way through like some are able, and knowing your health well enough to be able to judge what's best for you individually for now.

but regardless making sure you're not taking yourself for granted in the process.

I'm lucky enough to not have gotten covid yet, and I hope it stays that way.

If your job isnt doing what it can for you in this time, dont be too stubborn about staying

Its not worth risking yourself for your job honestly, and I really hope peoples jobs do as much as they can for those they employ.

If you aren't working, do something with your time that you'll remember (safe things obviously) and if you are still working keep up the awesome progress, stay safe, and be blessed. ❤

[songsorter28]

Blackpink: The Album Review

Okay, this is the first time i’ve done this and the truth is i don’t know how, so i’ll just try my best.

First of all: I am a Jennie biased blink. That means I have no trustworthy sense of criticism when it comes to them and if you do, this is probably not the place for you. I will try to talk about this album with a sense of criticism, but sometimes, i’m just gonna like a song because it’s blackpink and y’all just gotta deal with it.

BUT, I am not afraid of saying i don’t like things that the pinks have said it to like, which is actually how i’m starting this review. So, if you guys are all about loving the girls and emotion and “think about how they must feel” this is a decision made by the girls, this place is also not for you either. I am a blink and i share a lot of love for those four women, but i am also a consumer of their work as artists. I will complain if I didn’t get something I thought was necessary as a viewer and listener for my money and attention to be spent. I will not, of course, hate on them in any way.

Ok, before anything:

1) English isn’t my first language, so I apologize for any mistakes. 2) Here, we’re gonna talk about the cover, pre-release single choices, writing credits, tracklist and my honest opinion about the album as a whole.

a) The Cover:

There’s not a lot to talk about but the fact that it’s gorgeous, but simple. I didn’t understand why a crown if the name was The Album (something unoriginal to be honest, but i’m not 100% against it) and there’s no reference to royalty throughtout the album besides maybe Jennie’s rap “didn’t want to be a princess”. I did find the cover visually pleasing tho, could be much more embarrasing.

b) Writing credits and Track List:

This one is quick. I’m extremely glad Jennie and Jisoo were credited as songwriters (Jennie as well as a composer) but Teddy gotta give Danny Chung to god. He hates rapper Jennie and he’s the reason Lisa doesn’t write. He’s always in charge of the raps so teddy gets confortable and Lisa doesn’t get a chance to write her own verses, which is something the sure thing cover showed us she can do. Also, he hates rapper Jennie to the point where she had to write her rap on the title track (wich is good, but, you know what i mean) and wasnt even given a chance to write more than 8 seconds. Melanie I hope this is the last time you were here. Loren you can stay. Tommy and Ryan yall were cute we had fun but it’s over let’s move one (seriously, these producers really made me appreciate Teddy more lmao pls sir never leave us). Okay that’s it. Now, to the track list.

I will be talking about the fact this shouldn’t even be called a full album on the My Honest Opinion About The Album As A Whole topic.

1. How You Like That

I say my opinion more detailed on the next topic but at at essence. Cute. A good opener to the album and what is to come, but too much of a bside to even be a pre release single.

6.5/10

2. Ice Cream

Again, my opinion it’s on the next topic. Cute song. Loved Chaennie’s high notes and wish i didn’t know english so the rap didnt sound that silly. Not as bad as blinks and non blinks make it out to be. 

6.12/10

3. Pretty Savage

I kinda also talked about that in the next topic lmao. It has everything a blackpink song should have. There’s been some controversy about Lisa “born skinny bitch” but Lisa was talking about herself since she has been body shamed through her whole career. She was right and she should say it. You’re entitled to feel uncomfortable but that’s just the thing she wasn’t talking about me or you. She was taking her pain and wearing like an armor. This was a diss track for the haters. Taking that away from her because of our own issues it’s kinda mistreating hers.

8.82/10

4. Bet You Wanna

Yes you guessed it right I talk more about it next topic. It’s a bop. Loved Jennie here. She has such a versatile voice I was very proud to hear her. And Cardi was also good. Just hope Lisa will get her rap part live cause she didn’t have much lines here. But I loved Jenlisa’s brigde. Rosé’s adlibs peak perfection and Jisoo’s chorus and english that’s what i’m talking about. The chorus can be a little repetitive and it kinda ends a bit suddenly but it doesnt bother me much.

8.37/10

5. Lovesick Girls

WHAT TO SAY ABOUT THIS MASTERPIECE OTHER THAN BEST BLACKPINK TITLE TRACK? Love that for me. It was so different than anything they’ve done so far, the lyrics were AMAZING, the message behind it also, the visuals in the MV, storylinne, RAPPER JENNIE OMG, she got the most memorable line “didn’t want to be a princess, i’m priceless” i love her tf the shade to the yg princess title and her scene in the car and in the mental hospital(will not touch on the controversies cause that was annoying) also Lisa’s rap/singing with a flow in the begining her voice OMG I WAS SHOOKEDT. Jisoo’s high note in the brigde? Rosé?? perfect.

10/10

6. Crazy Over You

Rapper Jennie for the last time with a 8 second rap again but LET’S BE POSITIVE. A bop. I loved the i. went. crazy. over. you. I love the lyrics. It bother a bit this much english but it’s bp’s idendity so i’m fine with it.

8.5/10

7. Love To Hate Me

This was a predictable song in the best possible way. Easily one of their best songs. There’s honestly nothing left to say. Also. Lisa’s rap. Maybe Danny Chung deserves some points. It even felt like she was a feat in the song like her flow yall just perfection.

9.4/10

8. You Never Know.

Great song I left with depression.

I like how this album talks with haters and blinks, it really shows a different side from the pinks. Only a few know the emotion Jennie starting off “but you never know unless you walk in my shoes [...] cause everybody sees what they wanna see, it’s easier to jugde it than to believe”. It was written by Loren, a close friend from the girls and the boy who’s Jenlichaeng  boyfriend in the LSG’s MV and Bekuh Boom, a producer who’s been with them for really long, but if anyone got a conspirancy theory that they were involved in the songwriting process of the song, sign me up. You don’t need proves. I believe you. ALSO JISOO GOT MOST LINE ON THIS ONE and we got singer Lisa. After a while, it become my favorite song from the album. Now, it’s my favorite song from their discography. Debate your mother.

9.62/10

c) Pre-Release single Choices: 

I can’t stress about this enough. Whoever was in charge for the single choices needs to go to jail. Not that HYLT is bad (at all) but comparing to the rest of the songs, it look MUCH more like a powerful bside than Love To Hate Me and Pretty Savage ever will. I will lecture later how Pretty Savage was the perfect choice to first release single, just wait. Now, to the controversial Ice Cream. To be honest, i found the song super cute and i think the MV was one of their best. It was different and refreshing, love that for me. But the whole sequence of events that turned out to that disasterous twitter timeline, with constant attacks to the girls especially Lisa over things they cannot control such as line distribuition and a sabotage from antis on yt comment section, was something I kinda already saw it coming. Ice Cream is Blackpink’s most successful single to date, but it was a bad choice from the start (I will talk about that in a second). For starters, YG decided not to promote the song well. While announcing the single, they gave us a poster with pictures from a summer package released months before. And each week they kept doing that, only using actual teaser photos in the release week. The hype was pretty much out. I can’t say my timeline is 100% blink because i have way too many fandoms that i’ve been following for longer than i’ve known kpop, but compared to the HYLT hype, they were pretty down and that’s on YGE. Also, ever since coachella, it’s been antecipated by fans and artists the possibility of a Blackpink x Ariana Grande (one of the most popular singes these last couple of years). The idea of an Aripink collab got blinks (who were already with an eye wide open after Blackpink was seen with Tommy Brown, Ari’s basically oficial producer, who has been producing for her ever since her second album and was reponsible for many hits of her latest project, Thank U, Next, such as 7 rings and Thank U, Next) even more hyped when YG announced (one of those old photoshoot posters. I’m sorry I will never let that go that company is so trash) that Blackpink’s second release was going to be a collaboration with a western artist, and Ariana herself like Jennie’s instagram post about the next single. I cannot put in words the reaction of my twitter timeline when YG confirmed that the collab was actually with Selena Gomez. 

Now, on a more personal note. 

You see, I actually like Selena. I like her songs, besides the critics. Perfect is pop perfection. Waverly Place is the best disney show ever since That’s So Raven. But, to a collab made to the US market, and besides the success of Rare, Selena isn’t a sales force like Adele or Taylor Swift, nor a streaming force like Ariana Grande. Nothing takes my theory that this was supposed to be an aripink collab but, for some reason, she dipped and then interscope (blackpink us label and selena’s label) picked her. Selena showed us a good time and promoted the girls more than YGE did but, it wasn’t a surprise when the song didn’t get a top 10 (a top 13 is really good tho, don’t get me wrong). 

Now back to the story telling

Selena was more than a feat, she sang the whole damn song, getting more vocal lines the the entire vocal line. She’s only a few seconds behind Lisa, who got the most lines in general. I understand that it is a collab, but this is the girls’ single. Why would they want to listen to them for only 16 seconds, the amount of time Rosé got? That set a bunch of solo stans (something that exists more in this fandom than everywhere else) to boycoitt the release, a huge fansite even taking out their funds for the full album (that was low, even for a solo account. JisooBar, you aint seeing heaven). Did i think it was a little of overeacting? As someone who’s an army that had to handle Not Today’s line distribuition, and especially since we’re talking about the main vocalist, someone who will for sure have more lines in the future (as she did), kinda. But, like i said, it was a bomb getting ready to explode at any minute. If it wasn’t that it’d be something else. That being said, NOTHING will ever justify the nastyness y’all did with Lisa and even Jennie’s comment section. Nothing. That was ridiculous even for solo stans. BUT for people who got worried about Lisa’s lack of posts after the release, don’t worry. She didn’t post a lot because Thailand is going through some stuff and I don’t think she has YGe’s permission to talk about it (when I catch the ones in power on that company istg). 

Wow, that was long. At essence, it  was a bad choice for several reasons, but i enjoyed the song a lot. Can’t wait for the live performances with chaesoo’s lines.

Now, back to HYLT. It was greatly promoted, it stopped Zico’s (huge in korea) releases and a bunch of other big artists in South Korea. Got 7 Perfect All-Kills and would’ve gotten more than 12 if the charts weren’t reforming at the time. It also broke a lot of records, and repeated Sour Candy’s position on the bb100 on #33. It’s another very Blackpink song that  I enjoyed but kinda aged. Many non blinks didn’t like it but it’s not like they were ever going to admit they liked a bp song. They’re annoying. The song’s biggest problem is probably the 2015 edm in the chorus. Like. Teddy. You gotta let that go. It’s time. He kinda heard us in the album. But, these kinds of songs are very liked by the general public, especially the korean one. An interview was made asking the general public if blackpink should change concepts and they said a bit fat no. So that tells what you need to know. And that it why i think Pretty Savage should have been the first pre release single. 

Okay, let me tell you another series of event. Back on november 2019, when we were starving because YGe does not like money, BlackpinkBar, a big fansite, payed trucks to be sent to YG building during a whole day demanding for better treatment to Blackpink. You can find all the demands online, but at essence, when it came to music related, blinks always mention: Jisoo’s lines, screen time and blackpink in your area, Main Rapper Jennie, Lisa dance break, Rosé’s high note. On HYLT, we got nothing. And everyone had to shrug it off saying it was just a pre release single, BUT it would be better hyped by blink and the hype to the second pre release would’ve lasted longe if PRETTY SAVAGE, who has basically all of that, was the pre release single. It would’ve assured us of so much. Jisoo said bp in your area twice, she RAPPED, she was singing, she could’ve had more screetime and center time especially bc she’s on all chorus. Jennie Main Rapper would go back and we wouldn’t have to be blue balled (which caused the ice cream meltdown)every single release and only having to wait till the title track and only to have a 8 SECOND RAP. I won’t talk about that now. Moving on. Rosé wouldn’t get a high note, but she would’ve gotten the brigde all to herself and the next pre release single, bet you wanna (wait for it), she would get those incredible adlibs. And Lisa’s dance break. Not only this is bp’s most danceable song and has a bunch of lisa’s raps, it also has jennie’s outro, where for a least 20 seconds lisa could’ve thrived. Yall we were robbed.

Now, real quick, back to Ice Cream. In a perfect world (or just a world where YG’s current ceo) had brains, if they wanted a collaboration to show the pink side of blackpink, with a poppy song and sassy lyrics, the artist not to be in the whole song, and to have an artist who would driven attention from the locals and is a big streaming force, THEY WOULD’VE CHOSEN BET YOU WANNA. My biggest problem with bet you wanna is Lisa’s lack of lines, which could cause stuff and well we just miss her they could have added a rap even for 8 seconds, BUT, seeing her all around pretty savage and knowing she’s gonna have Cardi’s rap during live performances would cool things down. Since we were in the middle of a pandemic, instead of a mv like ice cream where they had to do it separately, they could’ve done something like IU’s eight. A huge part in animation and a few with people. Literally YG why are you so dumb. Bye.

d)  My Honest Opinion About The Album As A Whole:

I did some math (lol) and my rank for The Album is 8.4. It’s easily one of the best releases from this year and I loved it so much, but something were left to be desired and i think i could pass everything and just turn a blind eye at things, except one: the fact we waited for 4 years, watched all ggs and yg groups getting comebacks last semester and only got 8 songs. Loona is releasing a mini album with that amount of songs. Stray Kids and BTS’s mini albums are longer than that. It was bad enough KTL had 4 songs and a remix (a joke) with 2 songs lacking raps and no rapper jennie only for them to carry YG’s dirty name after what their protected boys did. I legit hate it here they didn’t even had 30 minutes, their longest song wasn’t even 4 minutes. Also, before anyone says anything about the girl’s interview about quality over quantity. I’d like to say that i understand them having that when it comes to have one comeback a year and i’m honestly okay with that. But their first full album? 8 songs? Are you kidding me? Like I said, I’m a consumer. I refuse to receive this half assed excuse about quality over quantity when they had more than enough time to produce and write more than 8 quality songs? what, is impossible to write more than one song per moth? these songs have formulas, they can be made more than 8 times. A blackpink album its more than a thousand reals here. That 90% of a sallary. And please don’t come with the “if you don’t want it just don’t buy it” “you can just unstan them” bc that’s not the case. I love their songs. I love the girls. But I’m a consumer of their art and if they want to be takend seriously as artists, they gotta do more than 8 songs on a full album. It’s unfair to anyone that isn’t a diehard fan willing to sell out an overpriced photobook in hours. That’s not the only kind of fan blackpink needs. they need the store locals, the people who are not on twitter or tumblr or instagram. Cause those locals are gonna stay like they stayed with adele and taylor swift. stan twitter is much more likely to leave them with time.

Side note: I’m tired of commenting on rapper Jennie so I’ll just say Jennie deserves better than 8 second raps as the main rapper of the group. That doesnt mean I want Lisa to not rap or to Jisoo not to sing, as many will say bc apparently that’s what people hear when we say main rapper who trained for 6 years to be a main rapper should rap on at least most title tracks even if not on all songs.

But yeah, that’s it. Besides the unfortunate final note, I loved The Album and now Blackpink it’s my second most listened artist of all time. They were top 13 before the album.

[juni-ravenhall]

my abuse & pandoria

theres a thing i havent talked about at all with juni’s story (bc i wanted to write or draw it out and not just talk about it as a meta thing) and i suddenly realised that the stuff ive thought about regarding my irl life history lately makes that part of the story even more important to me........ 

basically juni has a brother who’s been stuck in pandoria for his whole life (and from the beginning i decided this bc juni has always represented my hope and strength and health and happiness, but her brother represents my ‘real self’ full of distress and depression and fuckedupness and dissociation etc). 

and lately i realised just how much my whole irl life has been living in ‘wonderland’, in the sense that nothing has ever been normal or followed normal logic or made sense. my parents r crazy, and sadly my 2 younger siblings (who i love) have had a lot of difficult behaviours due to our shared parental abuse but the thing is its caused them to also treat me badly in some ways, and to behave irrationally and nonsensically in many many ways, and i didnt face this until this month. i always excused the things theyve said or done that affected me bc ‘theyre just victims and they cant help it, and i love them’. then bring in 10 years of being with my husband whose abuse made me suicidal in 2017. then add on, bullying at school, shaming and other toxic behaviours from other relatives, friends and random people, etc. 

as examples for what its like to live in ‘abuse wonderland’, basically read about gaslighting. secondarily, my mom is basically like a 1 person cult and me and my younger siblings were born into this cult that is her state of mind. she has a personal belief system that is really unhealthy just like everything else about her. a lot of these lists about things that victims of cults suffer from, are the same for me. 

the relationship im now in with my best friend makes me cry a lot out of just shock and confusion about what its like to be in a healthy relationship with someone who actually loves you and cares about you, being treated like a person with value. it feels like being pulled out of wonderland and its really shocking and disturbing and really important. its hard to face the actual level of how badly ive been treated and how far away ive been from ‘normal life’, actual love and healthy things. 

the point im getting to is, i realised just this week that junis brother being stuck in pandoria is literally what it is. ive been stuck in pandoria (wonderland) this whole time. the world around me (aka the social situation) doesnt follow normal real world logic or rules, its eaten at my energy (both physical and emotional) for my whole life because its extremely stressful and exhausting and confusing to live in these circumstances. and finally when i was 28, it reached the point where i became suicidal bc i didnt see any way out anymore, i lost all hope that i was clinging on to desperately until then, and felt completely void. ive worked hard since then until now to both ‘not kill myself’ and to rebuild my ability to feel things and have hope. 

im turning 31 on june 13th (soon!!!!!) and half a year ago i was fairly sure i wouldnt live to see my next bday. already 30 seemed like it had been an impossible battle that i somehow reached by extreme struggles and perseverance but ‘this was it’. i didnt think i could do it for another year anymore. i had many ‘suicide scares’ and very extreme panic attacks in this past year, until february of this year. 

since february (which is when my life changed bc i realised i was in love with my best friend and it thoroughly turned my core upside down) i havent been suicidal. but i feel basically that when it happened, suddenly someone arrived and met me in pandoria/wonderland and stayed with me and said theyre going to get me out, even if i couldnt get out yet. and its been really hard to internalise it for these past 2.5 months. but she keeps proving that she really means it and that she really is here for me (and im here for her). instead of turning on me like everyone else, i feel her love stronger and not weaker. we both have bad days but thats why i say, every WEEK it gets better. every week that passes i feel like im getting a step closer to leaving this place emotionally, and someday physically. 

juni has always represented my own strength and goals about feeling safe and happy and confident and im happy shes here for me too. (before her ive had many other personas that r similar and ive also used the sibling symbolism of my 2 sides before, but i wasnt aware of WHY i was doing it, i just liked giving my persona a sibling but didnt know why) 

anway thats my long post about being stuck in pandoria.

[clamydomona]

Veronica Mars Season 4 (Spoilers)

I had zero expectations going into this season, didn’t watch any interviews or trailers or look up spoilers because I didn’t want to get my hopes up. Most revivals I watched in the last years were ony so-so and most of the time when I was looking forward to something I ended up disappointed. Wth that in mind, I enjoyed a lot of what I saw.

Positive stuff:

- I loved that Veronica had a new dog that she named Pony, but I’m disappointed that he didn’t get to go on any of her snooping adventures with her like Backup in the old days.

- I’m glad that Wallace ended up married and with a cute baby and a good job and that he seems genuinely happy, that guy deserves it.

- I could listen to Cliff for hours and still enjoy his relationship with Keith and Veronica immensely. I like that he seems ridiculous but good at his job at the same time.

- Same goes for Vinnie. I can understand why the police chief is reluctant to trust PIs if most of her interactions are with Vinnie. Less so with Keith and Veronica. But at least she seems more qualified for her jobs than the Lambs ever were.

- I enjoyed what we’ve seen of Dick, but I’m glad that it wasnt more than that.

- Big Dick’s right hand man reminded me so much of Mike from Breaking Bad I sometimes confused those guys.

- The thing I enjoyed most of all was Veronica and Keith’s relationship, their teamwork and their banter. That was one aspect of the show I liked the most and I’m glad this season had so much of that.

- Logan’s character development was great as well. I loved that he ha help working through his issues to move beyond his anger and resentment that drove him so much of his life, while still being enjoyable and recognizable as a character. I also absolutely loved the scene where Logan came home with blood on his shirt, acting like nothing happened. And that Logan seemed to have very positive relationships with Keith and Wallace, after their earlier animosities.

- I also liked that scene where the murder heads were all arguing about who really killed Lily. Seems very reflective of all the True Crime culture nowadays.

- The mystery was interesting enough and not as convoluted as some of the previous mysteries.

- I also enjoyed many of the Leo-scenes, there was some pretty good banter and I liked how they snapped out of their drunkenness to draw their guns withing two seconds. Could have done without the sex dream, though I never for one second thought that thing was real.

- Nicole was a very fun character and I’m sad that her storyline ended the way it did.

So-So stuff:

- While pizza guy Penn was an interesting character, after a while he became very annoying being featured so heavily.

- Matty was interesting as a mirror of Veronica’s teenage self, though I’m not sure I would have let her be unsupervised in the office after some of the stuff she pulled beforehand.

- While earlier seasons were certainly violent enough, I could have done without so much casual beheading. Seemed way over the top for me.

- After watching Jason Dohring in iZombie, I was relieved that his head didn’t look as tiny in comparison to his very defined torso as it did in that show. For some reason that was extremely off-putting to me last year.

Negative Stuff:

- Why so little Wallace? They could have found something for him to do, it can’t be that hard. Also I’m disappointed that he was treated as so disposable by Veronica. She treated spending time with him more as an obligation than anything else. Was that the same in the show, it’s been a few years since I saw that.

- No Mac. She was missing so much.

- Why they felt the need to rob Weevil of every positive thing in his life and regress him to the character he was in season 1 I will never understand. I understand that the falling out between him and Veronica was described in the books, but without knowledge of those, their relationship this season just seemed very weird.

- Why the hell did we spend so much time in the first episode with the spring break kids before the bombing, when nothing of that seemed to matter, the scenes could have been cut out and the story would have been just as easy to follow?

- Why did none of these people, except the brother of the congressman and Matty, seem in any way trauamtized or sad that they lost their friends/family in a bombing when they instead expected to have fun partying?

- Why was Veronica belitleing Logan’s therapy so much? Didn’t their relationship fall apart numerous times because of his destructive tendencies? Shouldn’t she be happy that he sought help, even if she is incapable of getting it herself (when she, let’s face it, probably needs it more than any other character apart from Logan)? After a while I honestly didn’t understand why Logan wanted to be with her, when in earlier seasons it was mostly the other way around.

- Is Logan an addict of any kind or not? I thought he was, since he was a sponsor in the movie, but he drank (and did drugs, did I understand that “E” correctly?) with Nicole, Veronica and Dick in one episode, so I guess not?

- If for some reason the show gets another season, it’s reasonable to expect that they will drag out Duncan again, right? He’s the only ex-boyfriend they haven’t used in any of the newer incarnations of the show.

 And then the ending:

I wasn’t spoiled, but it did not exactly come as a surprise to me, because Rob Thomas so fas has been incapable of writing a relationship that survived a whole season intact (at least on Veronica Mars and iZombie, I don’t know about any other products of his. I learned not to get attached to any of Liv’s reationships, because why bother when he kils all of them off anyway?). I honestly thought there was a bomb in her car when Logan reminded her on Skype to move it and expected the bomb to detonate when she went to move it while the cartell guys were watching her apartment. I expected the other shoe to drop the whole episode, so I couldn’t even get into the wedding because it was so obvious to me that the whole thing was far from over without any explosion in the finale.

I wasn’t surprised that the bomb went off, though I am surprised that the show seriously went there and appearantly killed off one of the main reasons people still want to watch the show. After watching so many supernatural shows (and a few soaps), I remain highly sceptical that he’s actually dead without showing the explosion itself, the body, the funeral or anyone mourning at all. Especially after they did something similar in season 2 but didn’t kill off Keith.

But after catching glimpses of interviews going around, I am stunned that the death at least seems to be intended to be permanent and I don’t get that argument at all. Why the hell is it necessary to kill of one of the main attractions of the show in order to “save” it? Who wants to tune into a show that killed off one half of a couple that became an essential part of that show? Seemed to me more like he wanted to make sure he would absolutely not get another season, and providing extremely shitty closure in the process. It just didn’t seem like the show to me. In previous finales, while Veronica went through harrowing experiences, the show still managed to end on a somewhat positive note (which might arguably be the case with Keith getting healthier and Veronica willing to see Logan’s therapist, but all of that seemed extremely hollow to me). Plus, the death was so tagged onto the case storyline, not intrinsic to it at all, but just added after the resolution. Random deaths might be true to real life, here it just seems to be shock for shock’s sake, but not necessarily good storytelling. Furthermore it’s just depressing to pile on more and more trauma onto Veronica without any of the relief of healing.

Also, I completely disagree that the show would not be interesting anymore with a married Veronica. Why couldn’t the conflict and drama come from the cases itself, while her private life was stable for once? I’ve really grown to hate this notion that couples are not interesting once they are in committed relationships, so they have to do will they/won’t they, cheating and love triangles. I’ve read tons of fanfiction that somehow managed it, why are so many showrunners incapable of seeing any appeal in that at all? Honestly, the show would have been more innovative if it had let Veronica be married and at least a little attempting to overcome her trauma. But I guess a happy Veronica is not an inspiring Veronica to the showrunner.

I honestly think Rob Thomas overestimates Veronca’s appeal as a character without any of the other elements. No Neptune, not Keith, no friends, no Logan, just Veronica going around solving cases does not sound appealing at all to me. If he wants something like that, it would probably be better to create a whole new show based on that kind of premise, or write this season like that to begin with. Just kill off Logan off screen in a war and start Veronica as a lonely and depressed PI somewhere other than Neptune if that’s what Rob Thomas wants to write so much.

I really have to thank the absolutely terrible finale of HIMYM. After completely screwing over my favorite couple, I just stopped being invested in any couple to the degree I was before. I never assume anymore that the story will go in the direction I expect it to go, no matter how obvious that outcome seems to me, because who knows how differently the showrunner envisions their work and what they see as “good storytelling” (which somehow often means killing someone off right before the end, how fun!). I am kind of surprised by how angry I am about Logan’s death despite my low expectations and diminished investment in the couple since I first saw the show. At least here I can ignore the ending much more easily than in HIMYM.

[rossmccallsqueen]

I owe you all an explanation.

The last couple months have been a rollercoaster. One of the biggest rollercoasters I’ve ever been on. And during the last couple months, A LOT has happened and I thought I should explain it to you all. I promise I’m not making any excuses, I just want to keep you all informed.

At the beginning of the summer, my work schedule began to get pretty crazy. I was at work every day super early and I was stressed all the time (honestly I’m always stressed so ya know). At the beginning of July, I began talking to who you all know as ‘Cute Boy’ from my tags.

We went on a few dates and things were going really well I thought. After he got back from a 2 week vacation at the end of July, we slept together for the first time. And pretty much every time I saw him after that until the end of the relationship this happened. I’d never had a boyfriend before, so I was a little scared to speak up and he never said anything either.

Work got busy again and then I went on a two week vacation. The problem with ‘Cute Boy’ was that he was very bad at communicating and this caused me A LOT of anxiety. I have very bad trust issues with guys and lots of anxiety about it because pretty much every time before him, I was either ghosted or it ended badly.

The first week of my vacation he barely talked to me. I thought he was ghosting me and he hated me. He only talked to me to keep our streak. I had extreme anxiety over this and cried, while I was on vacation. I wasn’t a good friend to the friend I was visiting and this is one of my biggest regrets. Over a boy.

When I got back everything seemed to be fine. Or at least what I thought was fine. I was ignoring almost every red flag. I thought he was embracing my anxiety, but he wasn’t. He knew I had anxiety when he didn’t talk to me or when he did it was very little. He would always say he’d work on it, and he didn’t. It made me feel like I was being too clingy. But in reality, he never communicated anything.

He never did anything I wanted to, he didn’t like going out and doing anything, and he didn’t like hanging out at my house because I live at home. He would have rather been alone and played video games it felt like most of the time (I promise I’m not nagging on video games, just him). We never went out and it just felt like he was benefiting from the relationship way more than I was. I would have to BEG him to tell me things.

We didn’t even put a label on it until the end of september. And throughout this whole time I had anxiety almost every day, and most of it linked back to him in some way. Not all of it, but a good portion of it. My depression got worse and I would have such bad panic attacks my heart rate would spike for hours and I couldn’t move.

A couple days after he met my brother (a very important person to me) he broke up with me. Out of nowhere. There were no warning signs and to me, there was never anything wrong. He started spewing out reasons as to why we wouldn’t work and how “our personalities wouldnt do well together in the long run” when just 2 weeks before he had said he saw us being together for a very long time. Just 2 days before he said “thank you for being mine”.

He said I would blow up his phone and all these other things. He turned all of his problems back on me and made it seem like it was my fault. But if he had just communicated like a normal human, what he said were problems wouldn’t have been problems. After he left I was so BROKEN. I violently sobbed in my moms lap for an hour on the kitchen floor. I couldn’t stand up. Finally my parents got me up and my best friend came over. I was still crying. I cried for hours that night and eventually cried myself to sleep. And I continued to cry for days. He had taken a piece of me.

A few days later we talked and agreed to start over as friends. We said we had a lot to work on and wanted to work to get back together. Because I thought he was “worth it”. Spoiler alert: HE WASNT. A week and a half later we got into a fight and ended things for good. I cried again. And throughout all of this my anxiety never stopped.

I’m working on myself now, and I have someone else. I realized how selfish and awful my ex had been, and i was ignoring all the red flags because he said I was cute and called me princess. I was stupid but I moved on. I’m still not the best, but getting there.

This took over a huge chunk of my life and it caused me so much anxiety I forgot about a lot of other things. This blog was one or those things. And for that I just want to say:

I am so sorry. I am so genuinely sorry.

You guys have no idea how sorry I am. So many of you have been here the entire time and I still feel the love and support you give me. I don’t know what I did to deserve it but I love you all so so so much. You have no idea how much I love you!!!!

So starting right now, this blog will be a priority again. THAT IS A PROMISE.

School and work are still things bc I have to adult for some reason (ugh). Those things also stress me out but I am going to write. I am going to write as much as I can. You guys deserve so so so much and I will do my best to make it happen. Starting today, I will start to write again. You guys inspire me and you inspired me to come back (if it felt like I left). But I promise I’m not going anywhere and I’ll always be around ❤️

With that being said, I’ll see you all real soon. Thank you for always sticking around ❤️

[queerbloodyangel]

Hi! I haven’t seen the magicians and probably won’t but I’m interested in the drama/what’s going on?

oof sorry this has taken me so long anon, i havent been home much today and am just now getting time to sit down! i hope you don’t mind that i’m writing out a long thing, because quite a few people have asked me about it and tbh i just want to get it all down :)

so, little bit of backstory here: quentin coldwater is the main character of the magicians. the first episode of the show has him being released from a mental facility after he had checked himself in because he was “getting bad again”. after the doctor expressed concern for his well-being and said she wasnt sure he should be checking himself out so soon. he told her the only way she could stop him was if he said he had any plans of hurting others or himself, which, he didnt.

throughout the course of the show, the writers did an amazing job of showing quentin actually dealing with and talking about his depression. we saw him at his highs, and we saw him at his lows, and for a lot of people who have never seen depression depicted in such a real and non-romanticized way onscreen, it was revolutionary. i mean, it still is, some of the discussions he had with his friends about it were so fucking real that they had me in tears because yeah thats it.

anyway, along with that, quentin also was proven to be sexually fluid first in season 1 by having a threesome with two of his best friends margo and eliot. he also dated a woman (alice) for a while, though that relationship went up in spectacular flames lmao

in season 3, quentin and eliot get stuck in an alternate timeline together for 50 years. during that time quentin met a woman and had a child with her, but shortly after she died, and quentin and eliot raised the kid together, and stayed together until eliot died. time got reversed then, but because Magic, they both remembered what happened shortly after, in a quiet scene with just the two of them, because the taste of ‘peaches and plums’ reminded them, because they had lived near a peach and plum orchard in the alternate timeline. nothing more was said about it after that, though quentin and eliot remained extremely affectionate with each other.

at the end of season 3, and going into season 4, eliot gets possessed by a monster thats more powerful than any of the gods on the show, and completely unkillable. the monster also has an incredibly childlike mentality, so at one point quentin asks it if eliot’s still alive, and the monster says no. since up until that point the monster has been truthful to a fault, quentin believes it. 

episode 5 happens, and quentin and his ex, alice, are figuring out a way to kill the monster. during this period of time, quentin makes it very clear to alice that he has absolutely no desire to get back together with her, and with all of the shit going on with the monster/eliot, he doesnt even have the space to even think about them. meanwhile, eliots trapped inside his own mind, going through all of his worst memories trying to figure out a way to get out long enough to tell his friends that he is alive, and needs help. he goes through a ton of bad memories, including ones about his childhood growing up in a homophobic small town in indiana, ones involving betraying his friends, and basically anything else he can come up with. 

he realizes eventually what his worst memory is, and we go back to the scene from season 3 where he and quentin remember the alternate timeline. quentin asks eliot if they can give them a shot, because ‘we work. 50 years, who gets proof of concept like that?’ and memory!eliot turns him down. the real eliot apologizes to memory!quentin, kisses him, and he’s able to take control of his body long enough to tell quentin (eliot: 50 years, who gets proof of concept like that?

quentin: what?

eliot: peaches and plums, motherfucker, i’m alive in here)

quentin then jumps in front of eliot so alice’s attempt to kill his body misses, and the monster comes back. 

from that point on, quentin’s sole focus is getting eliot back. he sleeps once on screen, for a total of 15 minutes. he’s jumpy, on edge, exhausted, and clearly spiraling as it becomes more and more apparent there might not be a way for him to save eliot. up until episode 10, not a scene goes by without quentin reiterating that they have to save eliot, no matter what.

episodes 11 & 12 happen, and (if memory serves me correctly) quentin says eliots name once, maybe twice. he gets back with alice, and suddenly, is no longer spiraling (????) its as if eliot doesnt even exist.

episode 13 happens, they manage to get the monster out of eliot, and quentin doesn’t even spare a glance towards eliot, who’s lying on the ground bleeding out and need to be rushed to the hospital. quentin and alice have found a way to trap the monster in a rip in the universe, and take off to do that. things happen that make 0 sense, and winds up jumping into this rip in the universe along with the monster, and dies.

after his death, he winds up in the underworld, talking to someone, where he asks, “did i do that to save my friends, or did i finally find a way to kill myself?”

the person takes him back to earth, so quentin can watch his friends mourn him. instead of letting his friends actually talk about him, the writers had them sing a song as they threw their mementos of quentin into a fire, and that?? somehow shows quentin that his death was okay.

the writers (sera gamble and john mcnamara) are acting like they deserve an award or something because they killed off the ‘white male lead’, which, apparently is progressive or something. as if tv show writers haven’t been killing off mentally ill, queer characters for decades already. 

the writers didn’t tell the rest of the cast what was happening, until two days before the finale aired. the actor who played quentin (jason ralph) was under a gag order for a year, and they filmed a dummy scene at the end that had the gang realizing there was a way for quentin to be saved.

the actor who played eliot (hale appleman), an openly queer man, spent the last several weeks reassuring fans over and over that quentin and eliot’s story wasn’t over, to have faith, only to find out that he’d unwillingly been a part in this whole fiasco.

they killed off the character that honestly, probably 90% of the fanbase saw themselves in, and had latched onto with their whole hearts because of that. for a lot of us, it felt like watching a bit of ourselves die, and along with it, a love story that deserved to be told, that a lot of us believed would be told. i, personally have watched so many shows where the writers absolutely refused to make the ‘popular gay ship’ canon, and have even been part of fanbases that have been mocked for it. but this just. this shit is on a different level and i dont know what to even call it except for some bizarre take on queerbaiting that’s somehow 10000000x worse than that word can even describe.

again, i’m sorry this is so godawful long but i’m truly devastated over losing quentin coldwater. queer people deserve better, mentally ill people deserve better, and god fucking damn it so do i.

[peacestarrlove]

im just not in love with him anymore...

I love my boyfriend but I haven’t been in love with him in so long. I keep telling myself it’s just a phase or bump in the road, and I’ll be in love again soon.

But it’s been almost 2 years..and I’m not so sure anymore.

2 years ago he told me the truth about a lot of things he was lying about. It was the 5th year of our relationship and I felt like since I loved him so much we could work through it. I could forgive him and trust him again.

And I did. I forgave him and I trust him and I love him. But I’m not in love with him.

It feels almost impossible to break up though. We’ve been together almost 7 years and I want him in my life. I know i would miss him.

There are just some things that don’t sit right with me, and I truly don’t know how I could be with him the rest of my life. Maybe I’m being petty. I don’t know. That’s the hard part when you don’t have any family or friends to talk to and you isolate yourself. right and wrong get confusing.

I hate listing these things about him but I really need to get them off my chest:

•he’s not in the moment, usually in his head. he constantly asks me to repeat myself cuz he wasnt listening. Even when he just asked me a question?...and before this problem he would barley listen to me and I would be endlessly upset and feeling lonely. Now atleast he tries to listen but asks me to repeat myself so much constantly it’s..just a lot everyday. He will even wake me up and kiss me good morning I love you and I’ll say good morning I love you too and he’s like “what? Huh?” From the moment I wake up and it just kinda ruins my day. Reminded of what I’m about to go through all day before I even open my eyes. It’s like he’s in autopilot?

•he doesn’t remember..pretty much anything properly, if at all. We’ve been together since we were 16 and when we recall memories together he can rarely remember anything. Anytime I bring anything up, he asks multiple times “are you sure? You’re sure that happened?” And it drives me crazy. Not only does he make me feel like he doesn’t believe me, he really doesn’t remember. And it makes me feel so alone..

I know the memory one probably sounds crazy but he really doesn’t remember things. Like even tonight, we had dinner with my dad and my dad had told us a joke. My boyfriend told me the joke a few hours later and was in disbelief when I finished the joke? He was like “i seriously don’t remember you being there when he told it”.

This event is pretty much what triggered this vent no one is ever gonna read but I need to fucking write it. I’m going insane tbh. And I know this sounds small but this memory thing happens daily with a lot of memories, small and big. it’s just heartbreaking. He’s the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with but what’s the point if he never remembers anything?

•lack of understanding and sympathy for others. I have to give so many examples and explain so much for him to finally understand why certain things are hard for people/animals. I feel like he should have this basic understanding and I’m tired.

•he checks out minors, and I’m talking young minors (like 12-14) and obviously any age under 18 is terrible but that young wtf?! it scares me and when i confront him he just gets really angry and says he can’t help it?? literal children holding their moms hand sometimes..and i didn’t know about this til last year when he told me and it disgusts me to my core. i guess im a naive oblivious idiot??

•he doesn’t care how bad my anxiety is in public, now matter how much I tell him.

He knows I have a hard time going to public places. And we will be walking up to one and he starts saying out loud “oh I see their fire monitoring system..i know how to shut that down, turn the water off..light the building on fire HAHAHAH” like??? Not funny at all. People always stare. It makes me feel so awkward. He says he likes the attention. I tell him it makes my anxiety go crazy and please stop making these “jokes”. He never did. He even made one tonight when we pulled up to our hotel and parked by the backflow.

•he’s into MILF porn and tells me it’s cuz he “used to” fantasize about being with his mom... obviously he still fantasizes about his mom. he asks me to watch porn with him (even though it makes me extremely uncomfortable) and then he puts on MILF and I’m just like great you’re fucking me while thinking about your mom. Then I’m laying there trying not to vomit. So he either likes children or moms. Tf.

•he shows major irresponsibility with our cats and it makes me feel like what would happen if we had children. I really don’t wanna have kids with him because he’s so irresponsible and idk how I can be with someone forever that I can’t raise a kid with. Plus even more scary, is he gonna be perverted if we have a daughter?

•I’ve accomplished many things since we’ve started dating(so has he) but the last two years I’ve been in a very dark depression and I feel like he’s barely noticed/cared. I haven’t accomplished or done much of anything for almost 2 years. Which led to me being vocal about my depression and anxiety which isn’t something I normally ever would have done(I’ve struggled with it by myself my whole life). But I just can’t get out of this slump. I don’t blame him for me feeling this way at all, I just wish he showed compassion or atleast notices how different I am now. Especially on days that are really tough and I don’t even get out of bed...

The sad part is I wrote so many more bullet points but I kept deleting them. I could go on and on and on but I feel sick with every one that I write. Maybe because I know this could mean breaking up with him and idk if it’s the right thing or if I can do it. I just know I’m so unhappy. And it’s hard to gain perspective. Especially since he’s not all bad, obviously. He’s my best friend and I love him. I spend every day with him. I just can’t ignore these things. My family laughs at how much I can ignore the crazy shit he does but it’s really not funny. I’m blocking it out because I can’t stand the pain anymore.

[clockblock]

A note

Hello, i know no one will read this but i wanted it out into the universe.

For a huge period of my life i was majorly depressed. Before i started developing major symptoms of depression i was a pretty happy kid. I drew painted and wrote all kinds of shit. I wrote short stories long stories and fanfics. I was happy and suddenly... i fell out of touch with myself. As it typically goes. I stopped drawing. I didnt write. I stopped reading books. Books were the love of my life and it feel out of my hands. I would always tell myself id pick it back up and i never did. It made me extremely upset and would cause breakdowns quite a bit. When my mom started dating her ex it went even more downhill. At first it was small things. And gradually we lost our house and i had to live in a cabin for half a year during winter. I had to drive 45 to get to school every single day. I was almost kicked out because of it. My mothers ex was emotionally and physically abusive to her. And i didnt know the extent of it until she finally left him.

When my mother told me to have my stuff packed and ready to go i knew our luck was turning around. We had the best possible christmas weve had in years that december and my mom was finally becoming happy. We were all tramatized from it. My little brother started talking and it was amazing.

But... i still wasnt reading or writing or drawing. I was too stressed out with graduating school early and getting my shit done to even spare time for myself. It was greatly upsetting. I still had major depression and anxiety.

Its feburary right now and last year in october i decided to move away from my mom and move in with my dad. That was a whole big ordeal that i dont feel like unpacking. But i can say that im so much happier here. I feel healthier than i have in years.

And the best part is that two days ago i got an idea for a fucking fanfiction and i wrote it down and posted it. For the first time since 2015

2015

Its 2019 now! Its been four years since ive written anything actively and it didnt hit me until just now, seeing people leaving comments on something ive written that, im getting better.

Fuck guys i sang in the shower for the first time in awhile. Im planning a multichapter au of a fanfic. Im getting better. It feels so good to write again. Ive been itching to draw too. And i really want to read percy jackson. My interest are coming back. It makes my heart feel so happy and i really just wanted to share.

Im getting better and i cant wait for the future.