#i went insane last year and i don't want to kill myself i really don't i don't want to fall to that point its so scary because

[opheliac]

it really doesn't feel like there's any safe spaces for me to actually take apart and work through what happened to me as a child and a teenager, and it hurts me so much because i want to get over it but i cannot do it alone.

[thecutepoison]

Guys, I'm kinda freaking out... we learned last episode that in the abscence of the previously estipulated successors, the position of principal of aguefort would fall upon the student's council president, right?

I'm going to state the obvious for a second. It's a given that Kipperlily is trying to win the election for more reasons than a personal achievement. She was 100% aware of the gap in the rules, which would mean Aguerfort's joke would be interpreted as the only manifestation of his will. This is the girl who said she's busy studying the student government and takes active joy in finding loopholes in the rules (like acing the year bc the rogue teacher found her).

But what is her angle here? It's a powerful position for sure, but the Rat Grinder's must be after something specific. So I started asking myself what specifically would help them in the plan of raising this Forgotten God from the dead. Aguefort's office must have dangerous items aplenty given the incident with the crown and his general personality. Do they want access to that?

Then it dawned on me.

Lydia Barkrock's body is under the fucking school.

For those who don't remember, in sophomore year it was revealed that Arthur Aguefort cloned Lydia while she was sleeping and placed her soul into a new body, hiding her original one in the depths beneath the school. Crazy ass move bc he did that without warning her, but that's what prevented Kalina from permanently killing Lydia in season 2 - upon the clone's death, she gained consciousness in her original body.

It's only fair to assume that Aguefort made this precaution again after sophomore year for the same reason: Lydia's death would entail Bakur's escape. And if Kipperlily is elected and becomes the principal... it's very likely she would have access to Lydia's original body since it's on school ground. Her vulnerable, unconscious body, the only thing preventing the fiend from escaping.

That's really bad, guys. Bakur knows how to do the divine ressurection ritual, he only failed because he picked the wrong place. But the Rat Grinders do know a place that would work!! Kipperlily specifically asked Jawbone about Yes! and he did tell her that this god was created by Kristen when she died in Prom and went to corn heaven. So, a god was born in corn heaven - that's why the Rat Grinders personally requested Buddy Dawn, a cleric of Helio. Maybe by using him, they can pass through the pearly gates to perform the ritual. After all, Arthur Aguefort did the same thing using Kristen.

Basically, if Lydia dies, all pieces fall in place for them. Together with Bakur, they have all the info necessary to pull this God from the Astral Plane back to existence. They would just have to kill her unconscious body and slay the clone holding her soul. What they lack right now is the access, which solved by gaining the position of principal.

PS: Also, there's a rat society under the school?? Perhaps it's close to where Lydia's body is localized?? Idk Brennan is insane

[that-spider-fan-over-there]

BNHA 430: This wasn’t very “My Hero Academia” of you I’ll be honest—

Okay, where do I begin? Uh. So the story reached its conclusion. Congratulations, and all the best to Horikoshi-san for telling the story he wanted to tell for ten years, loved the characters, the little world he created after the cancellation of his previous works, I will cherish it for the rest of my life.

... but in my opinion: the last seven chapters were so bad- I don't think I can see this ending as anything other than a contradiction of what we were shown. Like, I thought we'd get a twist, everyone would be fine, something would change. I'm wearing the clown shoes already.

So, I'm just gonna treat this as a normal chapter, and not a final one, because I'll be here for days if I open this can of worms, which, I will not lie, is very bad (I'll open it at some point, not now.) I'm posting this on the.. 6th? Because apparently there's an announcement in the 5th and I don't wanna spoil the fun.

So, uh, under the read more are my thoughts on the ending, be warned I'm very, very negative about it.

*sigh* Oh boi, how killing the League made this go from an "underwhelming" to a "tone-deaf" chapter- I mean, Jesus fuck, leaving things open-ended don't erase the fact they can't make a single appearence to prove me wrong, if they were alive, the last five chapters were a waste of emotions and keeping them hidden was a stupidly cruel move.

Funny the narration is just "people aren't equal but it's because of these differences that people find common ground to get along"- THE VILLAINS WERE KILLED OFF FOR BEING DIFFERENT BRO WHAT DO YOU MEAN- "if lending a hand and caring is being a hero then we all became the greatest heroes". Izuku, whatever you're drinking, I'm taking it and drinking it all by myself. You may have cared. But Tenko died. On accident. Because you gave him OFA.

I liked the "Midoriya-Sensei" part. For 5 seconds. It's fitting, he loves learning stuff, he's good with kids, until you say it's only because his embers were gone. Then why use it as a tease for seven chapters only to just get rid of them at the end? Is running to Ochako really the last we get to see him use it? Not even as a part-time hero? (not that it matters at the end-)

Ragdoll works with the WWP, Tsukuachi was head strategist in the final battle, Hawks is the (H)PSC president, why wasn't Izuku hired at an agency? Intelligence was a huge part of his character, yet the moment he was fully Quirkless again, he was out? Men truly aren't created equal...

"Cursed power", "blessing", "special" — the only thing special about OFA was being haunted by a guy whose brother was insane enough to hunt it down for generations. A Quirk's a Quirk; having multiple people/powers in one body isn’t special, Tokoyami and Shoto exist. Izuku made it special using it on his terms. But I guess "meant to save, not kill" was a lie, as eight out of ten people who had it died. Nine out of eleven, counting BNHA: HR. Tenko died because his body couldn't handle the Quirk, but I guess Izuku isn't gonna think about any of it? Katsuki was right about this too, holy shit.

Spinner wrote a book (not a comic, guess he took offense to Izuku. Fair, actually). Mr. Compress got a panel, but no real mention of the LoV? They broke the status quo for months (in-universe), and after all of that, nothing changes? Did Spinner know about Tenko, how he became Tomura? And the people who will read it and pull an MLA? TomurAFO had followers, now he's martyr a lá Re-Destro, I’m hoping Spinner didn’t commit suicide like that guy.

Ochako’s expanding Quirk Counseling. Reform’s implied (it only said expansion), but Himiko still became what Curious wanted her to be: A cautionary tale. And I’m still asking how Ochako knows Himiko went what through, she only told Ochako she was hated because of her Quirk and how she loves. I wanna think she’s reforming it, but nothing else changed, why should I think she’s the exception?

(At least she's seen as a hero on her rights… even if it took 429 chapters, messy writing, her face looking like rubber, and still being a girl recognized as a "caretaker", not a kickass hero).

Shoji's travelling through Japan to solve discrimination and got a prize for it. No foundations or mentions of Spinner being the main reason he did it, just "standing atop those who rose up eight years ago", just solving it peacefully, you sure are, buddy. Like, I'm sure you are being successful but how exactly are you solving this? I mean, you "solved" the hospital fight by fighting Spinner with Koda- Oh wait, time constraints, we can't elaborate how.

Shirakumo showed the noumu state could've been reversed, yet Katsuki, who never killed someone aside from AFO (and he was gonna die anyway), fatally exploded him. I hoped it was a misunderstood panel but no. He died because he wanted to save Tenko. Even fucking Gran Torino was alive by the end of this. Why.

I think Shoto is the only main character I’m not really having a problem with (Ochako's ending required Himiko for it to feel somewhat complete. Sorry, Ochako). I’m weirded out that they mentioned the billboard using the guy whose life was ruined by it as an example, but other than that, he’s doing fine. Wish we saw him talking to his siblings though. But alas. No mention of Fuyumi and Natsuo. And Rei's with Endeavor. Fuck.

Inko got so sidelined when Mitsuki and Masaru got half a chapter, by the way. Just one panel for her, the protagonist's mother.

Schedules not aligning is one thing, but Class A not opening an agency together? They survived two wars together and you're telling me they wouldn't say "WE'RE WORKING TOGETHER AND WE'RE TAKING MIDORIYA WITH US"? Also, where’s the "world where heroes have time to spare" when they look so busy? Were they understaffed or working as celebrities? (if someone says it was for the suit I will point out to the three nepo babies of Class A, Katsuki’s a dumbass if he forgot that detail).

Dude. We wasted pages on a kid that can throw plates from his hair. To tell him he can be a hero. Coming from the guy who had to go when he lost OFA. I'm not taking this parallel seriously.

I wish Izuku wasn't in "everything’s fine" mode until the end. We're really gonna leave him at "implied" mode, not confirm if his mental state's fine? Being open and emotional was an appealing part of him and now we just get “Yeah that’s just how it is”.

This one's petty and irrational, I know, but since I'm letting some of the steam out: I hate Izuku's new design; face scars (the constant "HE FAILED" reminder makes my eye twitch and I wish that was a joke, but also so many characters in BNHA got face scars, it doesn't even stand out), "perfect tie", normal formal attire- where's the character highlights? The things that make Izuku stand out?

But hey: He gets to be a hero again! Not with skills, heart, intelligence, strength, in spite of Quirklessness. No, he has an Iron Man suit! That Class A paid billions for. The government should be paying Class A and B (and Shiketsu and Ketsubutsu) instead, but all they get is a pat on the back. If the suit broke down, hurt or killed him while in it I'd laugh (Hatsume and Melissa worked on it? Oh it's gonna happen). And Toshinori, what happened to him, did he hit his head when he landed on that building!?

Went from: Smiles cover his fear and reassure people, believed saving is about saving body and soul, wanted to help Tenko, only didn't because Gran Torino said it wasn't a good idea. Disliked people were being heroes for fame and not because it's the right thing to do, only used support items as reinforcement and a precaution, never as a full solution, even Iron Might was so he’d have a chance to fight, not a solution.

To: If Tenko died smiling, it wasn't resignation, he was saved, even though he died. Didn't care AFO killed the Shimura - his mentor's - bloodline. Is fine with the billboards existing, even though it caused things like the Todoroki plotline. Now he's giving Izuku a suit, when the last time he did it himself, it didn't save him and his spine was almost snapped? Dude, what?

Also I thought he was paralyzed but I guess he just had a bad back.

... I hated BKDK's conclusion. It's actually so laughable how much I hate it. If it had another outcome, I'd probably be overjoyed. But:

Thematically, Tenko wasn't rescued, it wasn't a perfect victory because AFO still got away with what he did to him. "End of an Era and The Beginning" is hollow, nothing changed for the world they lived in, and it doesn’t look like they stand out among other heroes (these are AM’s successors. How.) What new era is this, really?

Their resolutions and relationship rebuild? Offscreen, but Katsuki was the one with the Iron Man suit idea for Izuku and apparently that compensates for it. Because he’s the one who can solve all of Izuku’s problems now, not motivate him to be better anymore. It wasn’t even Izuku’ idea, it was Class A, and sure it’s a nice gesture but we’ve seen Toshinori barely come out alive even with one.

Izuku barely batted an eye to any of the things he went through - losing his arms and/or OFA? Seeing Spinner's breakdown? Lady Nagant!? Katsuki or Tenko dying!? SOME INTROSPECTION, PLEASE IT’S BEEN OVER 100 CHAPTERS SINCE YOU’VE BEEN THE EMOTIONAL MC—

Katsuki's insecurities were for nothing by the way! Izuku's empathy and heart never mattered, a Quirk was more important to be a hero in the end. BULLIED HIM FOR NOTHING BUDDY- shouldn't have done it at all but wow did it become even more pointless in hindsight. Like Twice's death. Or Katsuki’s death, since “Control Your Heart” meant nothing as well.

Izuku still remembers Tenko, but has he done anything about it? No one wants to remember him, Himiko or Touya. Spinner's book will not be taken seriously, Mr. Compress was sidelined, Twice's death was pointless. They didn't change society, they've returned to the status quo. Pointless as Izuku losing his arms.

That fucking suit- Wow, he really couldn't be a Quirkless hero, the casual rivalry was just erased for an easy way out of Izuku's consequences, there's no catching up because Katsuki paid for Izuku a way to be a hero. He went full on-simp in the most disrespectful way.

And it ends with Izuku seeing Tenko's... Ghost? Hallucination? Vestige? I guess we’ll never know, because Izuku’s following his dreams again! Let's ignore he's doing this during class hours and he definitely should be in UA but who cares, he probably quit and we'd never know, as aside for the BKDK/DKBK fics, being a teacher was clearly a inferior choice for him and he can't do both ignore Aizawa and Present Mic look at him being the world's greatest hero!

It just took 1 year of trauma, scars, following on his mentor's mistakes, losing the thing that "actually" made him be a hero, having the first and the last people he tried to save dying because of his existence (one literally by his hands), proving anyone can be a hero! By ignoring the guilt of those you failed, give hands and sparing your thoughts, having superpowers and/or connections who'll give you a suit! Fuck this shit I swear-

A story about hope bent itself over to give the protagonist an unearned happy ending, when it said it was for every character who wants to connect to that hope, who wants to give that hope. Izuku went from "wanting to be a beacon of hope and save people" to "talk about beacons of hope, but in the end, others are doing this better than you. You had none of the willpower to be one." He's not hope or unity. Act 3!Izuku is just a plot device, I feel nothing for his ending other than irritation.

You could’ve had the BKDK proposal with a double spread handhold, and I'd still think Izuku's ending isn't earned anymore. His "happy ending— actually. BKDK crumbs are compensation for this ending, I feel cheated out of this ship (I feel like I'm shipping the version of them in my head, nott the canon one 424 onwards, and it only got worse from there-)

So. Yeah, those are my thoughts about the ending. I think. I don't know if these are all of them. I feel horrible about hating it, but I've sat on this chapter for days and right now, not a lot can make me like it, especially with the timeskip, which made this "open ending" a rushed and incomplete mess. If you disagree with me, honestly, that is very fair. I'm glad for you if you liked the ending. I'm just disappointed, and wanted to share my opinions. (and I do have more stuff to say about it but I think I've been negative enough)

But for the weeks I spent hoping this wouldn't slap a classic shonen ending in this catasthrophic mess and for making me feel like a dumbass after what we got in the end: Everything after 410 that isn't 421 and 422 is non-existent to me, this epilogue was a freaking waste.

Thank you for reading.

[asimpforthe80s]

He's back

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Starring: vampire Eddie x grieving reader

Warnings: angst. Suicide mentions. Arguing. Crying. Reader panics. Mentions of hallucinations.

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You expected Eddie to stay dead. You know, because that's what dead people do. You had cornered Dustin and forced him to tell you everything when Eddie "went missing." So he did. And now your best friend is dead... or so you thought at least up until you woke up to him peering over you, fangs on full display.

"Miss me, sweetheart?" he says, brushing some hair from your tear streaked face. You pushed him away. "Stop it.. I don't need more stupid hallucinations to remind me you're dead.." you whispered as you turned away from him, tears glossing your eyes.

"Come on.. did you really think the world was gonna go on without Eddienoo?" He chuckled, smirking down at you.

"My world won't.. but you managed to make me believe that you were here last time.." you said, let out a soft sniffle and brushing away a tear. "So what's the difference this time?" Eddie asked as he leaned forward, tilting your chin up. "You feel my presence." As he leaned closer. His warm breath kissed your skin when he exhaled.

"Just means you're getting vivid.. or I'm going insane.. cause I damn right felt you last time, too.. You're dead, Eddie.. you're not real.." you whispered, only making yourself cry more.

"Yeah, well, I'm not dead, princess, and it's high time you realize that." Eddie paused for a moment as his thumb brushed away your tears. His fingers tightened around your chin. "I was dead, but I came back. That's the difference, so why don't you quit crying before I give you something to really cry about?"

You sat back against the headboard. "First of all.. dead people stay dead.. second of all.. my Eddie wouldn't talk to me like that in a million years.." You sniffed. "Well, maybe it's time you realized just how much has changed for me while I was gone. Because yeah, old Eddie would never have spoken to you like that, but I'm not him anymore. I'm a vampire now. And guess what? Vampires are assholes, sweetheart."

You felt your heart break at that. "Then I don't want you here.." you said, tears blinding your vision. "I want the Eddie who takes care of me and makes sure I- I get up in the morning.. or that I'm eating enough.." you said, letting the tears stream. The way you spoke hurt him. But he tried to hold it in, he really did. A slight frown creased his face when he saw that you were getting upset again.

"Well, he's gone, princess. And so is this new version of me that you didn't even give a chance." He turned, hands placed on the sides of the bed. "I didn't come into this life to please you."

Your lips quivered as you tried to speak. "Then you're not the sweet man I secretly fell in love with and tried to kill myself for.." you whispered, your voice cracking as you spoke. His hands clenched into fists. The veins in his arms stood out more prominently against his skin than before. The words you spoke triggered something in him.

He turned to face you, standing over the bed with his hands pressed down on the mattress. "What was that?" he asked with a low growl. "Since you're not.. not my Eddie.. then you're not the man I loved and tried to take my own life for because I found out he died.." you repeated. Something about the way you said that made his blood run hot, his eyes turning nearly black with a simmering rage.

He leaned forward, hands coming down to grab your shoulders. "Do you have any idea how angry it makes me that you would even dare to think you should end it?" He got close, his voice laced with pure anger. "How angry would you be if I said I tried?" You asked, tears blocking your vision once more.

He wanted to scream at you. He wanted to yell at you and tell you how stupid and selfish that was. But he felt a slight twinge at the back of his mind. You were suffering. And maybe it really was because of him.

Eddie loosened his grip but let his hands slowly and softly cup your cheeks. For the first time in a while, his eyes were filled with pure concern. "You what?" You sighed. "I've tried.. I- I've really tried, okay? But every single time, a stupid hallucination of you shows up, telling me that I shouldn't do it and that you'd want me to fucking live.. but I wanted you to live with me.. and I didn't get that.." you said.

At first, he was going to deny that you weren't crazy, but he kept catching himself wanting to let his guard down. Your words of having made multiple attempts sent him into a spiral of internal conflict.

He wanted to scream at you for even considering it. But he knew he shouldn't get mad that you did, especially with how devastated you were about his death.

Eddie stayed silent for a few moments, trying to get his thoughts in order. "You actually tried to go through with it? Multiple times?" You nodded. "Knives, ropes, you name it, I've tried it.." you whispered. His hands fell from your face and squeezed into fists. His anger was quickly replaced by hurt.

"You really didn't want to be here without me?" He looked away for a moment and let out a heavy exhale. "What made you think that I would want that?" You sighed. "I didn't care.. if you wouldn't stay to finish this stupid life with me, neither was I.." you said, another tear rolling down the damp skin of your cheek.

"You didn't care..." he repeated quietly as he stared down at you. For the first time in ages, his heart felt heavy once more, and it hurt him knowing exactly how much you were suffering.

Eddie leaned down and placed one of his hands on your cheek, his thumb gently stroking through your dampened tears. "You're hurting me."

You let out a soft exhale. "And you hurt me.." you said, looking him dead in the eyes as you spoke. "I never wanted to hurt you," he said as his thumb rubbed softly at a tear trail that led down your cheek. "And I don't want to now, but if I know I'm hurting you just being here, then I should just go, shouldn't I?"

Your eyes widened once more. Was he really just gonna leave you again? Your breathing quickened along with your heartbeat, panic flowing through your veins as you watched him stand up and take a step back. He looked away from you once more and stood straight, putting a few feet of distance between the two of you. And even though he wanted to turn and run, he knew he would only be hurting you even more if he did. He knew that he had to stand here and face you.

"I'm going to do the right thing and just leave," he began, his words were as if they were being forced out of him. You felt your body go numb. Not an ounce of control left as you sat there. Heartbeat at 186 and almost a matching breathing. Just watching him take more and more steps backward.

He saw the way you were reacting. He saw the way your body froze up, how your heart began to pump faster, and how you started to breathe erratically. But what really got to him was your wide, fearful eyes. Just at that moment, he could tell that your panic was escalating beyond words.

He paused for a moment, thinking about what he should do. But seeing the way you were reacting was breaking his heart. Your eyes were begging. Pleading. Knowing what you would just do to yourself if you let him leave once again. But you weren't in control right now. You couldn't stop him. Your body was betraying you, forcing you to let him take the decision without further discussion.

"Sweetheart, look at me," he quietly demanded, turning back to face you. But as he did, you could see how much it hurt him to see you like this, the way your eyes begged him to stay as if you could do nothing to stop him.

"I don't want to hurt you, so just answer me truthfully. Do you want me to stay?" His hand shook slightly as his arm fell to his side. You couldn't answer. Your body didn't let you speak. But you needed to. It was now or never, right? If you didn't answer, he'd just leave you again, right? Your body trembled as you tried to speak. But nothing came out.

You couldn't answer, and the uncertainty of the situation made his blood run cold. The way your body was shaking and the way your voice refused to come out meant that he had likely hit on what you wanted. But how much did you want it?

Eddie took a step closer to where you were sitting, leaning down by the bed's side and placing his hands on your shoulders. "I need an answer, sweetheart. Do you want me to stay here, or would you be better off with me gone?" A tear rolled down your cheek as you realized you wouldn't be able to answer. Not now. Not in a while. You begged that vampired could read minds. You begged for him to hear to words you were silently screaming.

He couldn't handle it.

The way you were shaking and the way your eyes were screaming at him. You couldn't answer because he'd broken that trust between you both in that moment when he was angry.

He pulled his hands away and leaned down so you could stare him directly in the eyes.

"I'm begging at this point, sweetheart. Please, look me in my eyes and tell me that you want me to stay..." Your eyes drifted to meet his. As you know that you wouldn't be able to speak or nod. You decided to try nodding with your eyes as it was your only source of movement. Eddie had a feeling that you wanted him to stay. But just in case, he took a moment to observe the way your eyes moved, seeing if your head would shake or if you'd try to find a way to say yes.

His eyes widened as the truth was confirmed.

"I'm going to ask you one last time, sweetheart," he murmured, his eyes locked on yours. "Do. You. Want. Me. To. Stay?" Your eyes frantically formed a nod. Begging him to stay with you. Pleading for him not to leave you again. For a moment, Eddie was completely speechless. He nearly fell to his knees with how relieved he felt. He had put everything on the line there. Just a few seconds ago, he was ready to turn around and leave forever.

But instead, he leaned down and wrapped his arms around you. Pulling you into a loving embrace, his head buried into your neck. Finally, you felt yourself slip back into control.

"Please,please,please,please,please,.." You repeated, begging as you clutched the material of his jacket in your hands. He rubbed your back in a soothing manner, still unable to believe that you had just done the one thing he needed to hear.

"I'm here, sweetheart. I'm not going anywhere." You wanted to be held like this, and he was certainly going to give it to you. He was going to give you everything you wanted, and he wouldn't stop until you were smiling again. You wrapped your legs around his waist, trying to be as close to him as possible as you sobbed against his shoulder, repeating words of begging into his ears over and over.

A rush of emotions hit him as you clung to him like you'd never let go again. The moment you wrapped your legs around him made his heart flutter. His eyes remained closed the entire time and he continued to rub your back.

He knew that this was the moment that would solidify your feelings for him. Now, there was nowhere to go but up.

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Reblog or comment if anyone wants this to be a longer fic. (Please do, I have a lot more. It'll be so fucking happy)

[all-pacas]

Can you talk more about the whole "Chase and 13 as siblings" deal? I've seen it everywhere,but they seemed more like ordinary friends to me. Neither of them gave me the "found family" vibes.

To be clear, it's totally fanon. They are not found family in canon, they aren't even super good friends. I'm pretty sure it comes from the common perception in fandom that they're House's favorites/the ones who view him and/or are viewed by him as his children. Which I guess makes them siblings? (I don't even think, technically speaking, that's true — House doesn't think of either of them as his kids tbh.) I am a huge enjoyer of it, though, so I can only give my reasoning; the short version is I think they have a lot of potential in this direction.

So first of all, the two of them are like. Lowkey so alike. Like the venn diagram of them is sort of just a circle. They both had traumatic family histories involving mothers who died young and who they resented/'hated.' They're both intensely private people, 13 going ahead and making that a meme but Chase just as good at it as she is. They both have histories on the show of sleeping around and engaging in reckless behaviors as a reaction to depression/trauma; they do both have close relationships with House, I think it's overstated a little in fandom but it's also true; House and 13 are obviously very close but Chase has a whole pair of S8 episodes highlighting the same; he's also the fellow House has known the longest, who stayed the longest. They're both perceptive and bright and have similar senses of humor.

As you said, they are friends. They enjoy one another's company, we see they have fun hanging out. 13 alludes to going drinking with Chase sometimes in Last Temptation. After Hours proves that Chase knows where 13 lives, that she can call him past midnight and he'll show up no questions asked. Despite both being super private and secretive, they know one another's darkest secrets: Chase is the only person besides House 13 has told about killing her brother and going to prison. 13 is the only person besides Cameron Chase has told about Dibala. (House and Foreman figured that one out on their own. Also, last time he told someone it ended his marriage, so it's kind of Insane he tells 13. Like. Wow.) 13 went a year not telling anyone her name, Chase wouldn't even confirm he was catholic when House guessed it, and yet these two tell one another things. Even in Private Lives, before they really knew one another, Chase and 13 were having serious heart-to-hearts about the divorce and whether or not Chase was pretty; these just… aren't conversations he, at least, has with other people.

Also, let's be frank. The show was setting them up to fuck. I think some of this is meant to be ship tease, in all honesty. Chase outright propositions her. One of their earliest bonding episodes is Private Lives, which has a sort of flirty bit at the end and is all about their failed romances. But thankfully — because we all know how much the show sucks at romance — it never happened. So what we're left with is two characters who are weirdly close, have a weird amount of heart to heart moments and bonding (like… compare Foreman and Chase, who have known one another forever but never have these sort of sincere 'moments'), and are incredibly similar. And who also are often framed specifically as 'House's children,' if not as as unit: Chase is the prodigal son, 13 calls herself the prodigal daughter. 'siblings' make sense. People also don't really like to ship them, myself included, although tbh they make a good amount of sense on paper. Maybe because of the built in messiness (she's Foreman's ex, technically; she leaves the show for long stretches; the show sucks at romance), maybe because people love found family, maybe because folks definitely prefer to lean into 13 dating women. And because people don't want to think of them as romantic options for one another, how do you define a relationship between a pair of very attractive people without letting that be a factor? Make them siblings!

For what it's worth, I don't actually think they're siblings, or that they think of one another as that. I think they're good friends. But they're also so alike, and open up to one another in pretty unique ways (especially for Chase), and get along well. In a weird way, I think the fact that they probably were attracted to one another and could have slept together but didn't makes them closer in my eyes: they both sleep around at the first chance, so that they didn't (by chance or choice) means they got to build an entirely different relationship. They're both lonely, they've both outlived family, they're both lowkey sort of depressed. And the idea that they could have a family in one another (Chase, for one, admits in S8 he pretty badly would like one) just really appeals to me. (With the added tragedy, of course, that it could only last a decade or so) I think they're good for one another, in that they have a "no questions asked" friendship, they know one another's worst secrets, and those secrets run parallel enough that they get it. And so even though they aren't siblings… I kinda want them to be, you know? :)

[anzadosara]

I remember when I finished bsd season 3, I went to a site and scrolled through the chapters that weren't animated yet; there I saw Nikolai and read his dialogs.

I think it was three or four years ago, I was familiar with his impressions; like 'the insane serial killer clown' and all; but when I read what he said it really came to me as a surprise how much I understood him.

and that claim still stands; I really identify with him the most. I'm sure he's a very hard character to understand to many of the people that follow the series; like 'who would want to kill the person they think of as their best friend?!', but I get him, despite how ill that may sound.

Nikolai's more sane than any of us, although we might think of him as the most insane. He is forged with feelings, he is forged with a body. Nikolai doesn't think, he feels. He feels his chest ache, he feels his head spin, and thinks to himself 'then if I'm free of my body, I won't feel anything'.

He knows that's not true, he knows better than anyone else; but chooses not to believe in it.

Nikolai knows what he is, and he knows he was given no opportunity to choose it, and this pains him; so he denies it.

He runs away from himself, runs away from his feelings; and oh he tries. He tries to tell people this, he tries to make them understand, to ask for help. He walks around talking in excited gibberish philosophy, and in the end, they call him insane and leave.

When they don't understand, when no one understands; he starts killing. He kills to prove to them what he said is true, to show them what they're not willing to use their minds to understand.

He was stuck in this vortex, until Fyodor showed up and made his pain double, no, multiplied.

Fyodor tells him exactly what he wanted to hear so desperately.

"You stand up against god in order to lose sight of yourself."

There, a new feeling bloomed; something he had never felt. We call it love, we call it obsession. Nikolai was terrified, so he made himself a solution: omit the cause, make the pain stop.

again, he knew killing Fyodor wasn't the way out; but chose to believe it was. He was terrified, and I'm sure any interaction he ever had with Fyodor pained him. I say this because I've been there myself, exactly where he was.

now something unexpected has happened, Fyodor's dead.

I doubt Nikolai really ever saw it in himself to kill Fyodor with his own hands, he couldn't, he loved him. He probably just planned on playing around carelessly just like he did, until someday fate itself, god himself, decides for him; and so he did, Fyodor's gone.

Or maybe there was a tiny glimpse of hope, in the bottom of his heart, that god would give him a chance in the end to be with Fyodor. He knew Fyodor didn't care about him, he knew it was all one sided, but he hoped anyway; maybe that was what kept him from performing his plan.

Now it's over, he is left with a void that cleaves his flesh and bone open. I wonder if he'll resist it, I wonder if he can last.

I wonder if he'll suicide :)

[trans-queen-administrator]

One year ago, give it take a few days, I started reading Worm. I finished it in a week. I don't think I'll ever read a story that affects me as much as Taylor's did, and since it's the anniversary of me reading Worm I think I might as well get sappy and emotional and write out how much Worm impacted me.

Tw: talking about suicide

I was in a terrible spot before Worm. Behind in every single class, failing to eat or drink or even just get out of bed for entire days, ghosting all of my friends and family just because I couldn't work up the will to talk, I just rotted in my dorm all day and let the tasks pile up higher and higher because I didn't know how to dig myself up, so I just gave up. I found Worm from some stupid meme that I saw while scrolling through social media for 13 hours a day in an attempt to drown out thoughts, and for reasons I still don't know I started to read it instead of returning to my blank inertia. I hadn't had the mental willpower to read or even feel anything in months, and it was completely out of character to immediately read it instead of just saying I'd do it later.

My sleep schedule was already fucked, once I got started it wasn't really a shock that I stayed up until like 5 am.

The week went by, I got to Leviathan, the Nine, Echidna, countless incredible interludes, and somewhere early on I think Worm became some sort of last hurrah. I'm not totally sure if I would have done it, but I had rough plans for methods of killing myself. Worm is a long work, impressively so, I was telling myself I'd finish it so I had something to be at least somewhat proud of before I went. It was a means of procrastination for the end since I didn't want to leave it unfinished, and also a road to it since once I was done reading then it would be time.

I became completely closed off from the world, even more than I had been previously. I dropped any pretenses of passing or attending class, what would the point be when I wouldn't be around for the grade? My meals became even less frequent, and when I had them it was always accompanied by reading. My sleep time was cut in half, I was waking up earlier and going to bed later all to read Worm. It was a week long fugue where I ceased to exist except for my ability to read the text. Once I was done reading, that would be it for me, and since I had closed myself off from pretty much everything there were no outside sources to convince me to change my mind. Just Worm. And it managed to do it.

Something about Taylor's absolutely insane amount of willpower just hit me hard. I remember when I read Speck and was reduced to a sobbing wreck for a day that was one of my strongest thoughts about her. She just tried so hard for everything, and absolutely never gave up as long as there was some way she could try to do something. I never learned how to put all my effort into stuff, but Taylor was inspiring enough that I wanted to at least try to learn how to try. It sounds cringey to write down, but if she could try so hard that she united all of humanity to kill an omnicidal god, then I could at the very least try to eat lunch.

Speaking of lunch, I read 90% of Speck in the corner of my college dining hall. It was like 4:00 and I was the only one there somehow, which is great because I was breaking down the entire time as I read Taylor fall apart. I don't think I'll ever read anything that hurt as much as Speck.

Another part of Taylor that was just as crucial to making me want to live was showing how much her self destructiveness hurt others. How could I justify killing myself when I just read how much it fucking tore at Taylor's friends when she became Khepri? When Lisa scrambled to just barely save Taylor from a suicide attempt in the first chapter of Gold Morning? Even when she just left them behind, Rachel's anguish was palpable, so who was I to ghost my friends because I was too scared to text anyone? I always knew on a logical level people would be sad if I died, but seeing such solid depictions of hurt from similar situations just... I dunno, I couldn't justify it when it was so much clearer to me how much it would hurt people I love.

I took a day to emotionally recover from the mental rewiring that comes from finishing Worm, and then I called my parents and told them how poorly I had been doing. I hadn't done it before because I didn't want to be a burden. They were happy to help. I dropped all my classes and went home. Worm stayed with me, it gave me some sort of substance to my life, something to latch on to. Making ideas for fanfics that I'd never write, talking with friends I'd made through Worm, rereading Speck if I needed a good cry, all of it kept me going and made my life feel less flat. Like five months later I started posting to this account and that was another outlet. It was just fun to analyze the text and make up theories about this work that did so much for me, and when I finally started posting them online that was good fun too. Thank y'all for reading my dinky little rambles, somehow I've cracked 400 followers on what was originally just a place for me to write down my thoughts during lunch hour at a mental hospital. Whenever I get a detailed comment in the notes, or I see someone like/reblog 20 of my posts in a row as they scroll through, or I see the names of people I always see in my notifications it just makes my day. Y'all are lovely.

And well, now it's been a year. Worm was supposed to be the final story I read, a countdown to the end in 1.7 million words, but it managed to convince me to keep going. I didn't think I'd make it to the next year or even the next month, but it's November again and I'm still here. I'm not doing great, but I'm here and I have Worm to thank for that.

[losrtphu]

LUNA SEA B-PASS 1996 21 Q&A [TRANS]

PART 2

original scan

link to part 1

What's a dream that you've had recently?

RYUICHI: I had a dream where i was put on fire. i was on the rooftop of a building and i was talking to the sky and a random guy came and burned off my left arm.

SUGIZO: I don't remember.. i have a lot of dreams though.

INORAN: When we we're recording i was asleep dreaming about arranging songs.

J: I'm still dreaming now. I'm a boy who's always dreaming (laughs)

SHINYA: I always dream when i go to sleep so i don't know (laughs)

How would you describe what God is?

RYUICHI: Someone who knows everything

SUGIZO: God is the creator of everything, and all knowing. but his form might be all humans as well.

INORAN: ...I wonder where he could be

J: God's real form...i feel like it would be something inside all of us not a figure like Christ or Buddha

SHINYA: Something that is really important/precious. i have a really strong sense of faith so I've never missed hatsumoude (first shrine visit of the year).

What is something that lasts forever?

RYUICHI: I still haven't found it.

SUGIZO: The idea of space. but there might not be anything that lasts forever, but on my level of thinking i would say space

INORAN:hmm... i would definitely say love

J: That is something that I've always been searching for

SHINYA: Something that is endless would have to mean that it's something that you have to pursue but i guess that would also make it impossible to reach.

How do you spend most of your nights and from what hours?

RYUICHI: The time that i do spend in my house is very short. around 12pm i take a bath, have dinner, watch a video on cars. yea i probably do those the most.

SUGIZO: I am always up until the sun comes.

INORAN: I turn the TV because there's always something always going on , but by 4am I'll definitely have NO energy

J: Around after 12pm I'm usually drinking and rolling on my sofa listening to music.

SHINYA: I space out while thinking about a bunch of stuff, while watching TV.

Favorite 3 CDs that you've been listening to during this recording period（TN: genuinely thought i was going insane because only shinya names CDs, everyone else just names the artist for some reason???)

RYUICHI: I haven't had any to listen to recently. I've kind of stopped listening to CDs.

SUGIZO: what I've been listening to is "ICE" and "DREAM DOLPHIN", but "TRICKY" has been my favorite since last year

INORAN: There's quite a lot so i cant pick what's my top 3, but i would probably say john Coltrane's album

J: Smashing pumpkins, Silverchair and John Osborne (TN: I'm guessing he means Ozzy Osborne)

SHINYA: none. when recording i only listen to our music, if i were to say which, style, mother and Eden.

Whats the first thing or person that comes to your mind when i say "quiet/still" ?

RYUICHI: I know a woman who is the exact meaning of the word silent, if i were to say an object..maybe a clock and i would also say that the waves of the sea feel still.

SUGIZO: The moon. the thought of death. I feel that if something is quiet/still it is like death, and not in a negative way but in a beautiful way

INORAN: I don't know...i think stillness coexists with movement

J: Me... why are you laughing??(laughs)

SHINYA: I think i would say God. i feel like he has a very still/quiet image.

Name a moment in the past when you've been the most angry

RYUICHI: I get pissed off when I'm denied to live the way i want to.

SUGIZO: Betrayal in human relationships, there's so many people that i would kill if i met them again. 　

INORAN: I get angry often so i honestly don't know (laughs)

J: Around high-school because i had to suddenly decided my own future

SHINYA: At the Budokan live a typhoon blew away the set, i genuinely went insane. (TN:pretty sure this was also their first Budokan live)

Name something that you want right now

RYUICHI: I know perfect things don't exist, but i want an honest love

SUGIZO: Sometime for my mind to go blank.

INORAN: Endless time.

J: Myself, time to be alone as myself.

SHINYA: A medicine that that makes me able to be awake all the time, sleeping is just a waste of time.

Name a book/s that you read often

RYUICHI: I think i have a lot of car books, the books are western so they have a different feel.

SUGIZO: Phillip k.dick books.

INORAN: I don't read books.

J: A book called それから(TN: no Eng title but I'd translate this as "after that/and then") which is a collection of stories by Akemi Edo

SHINYA: The books that i have, have lately been collections of short poems, its more like "Oh i have nothing to do so I'll just read"

A person who has your ideal lifestyle

RYUICHI: No one, I guess that would mean that person is myself.

SUGIZO: Jim Morrison, or Mike Tyson. I think after he came out of prison his performance has been amazing.

INORAN: The life that I'm living right now is the most ideal.

J: Someone who doesn't give up no matter what life throws at them.

SHINYA: Someone who enjoys life, as in, no matter what they do they have fun, i think that's wonderful.

What makes you want to hug someone?

RYUICHI: I really love casual gestures. gestures that come out without knowing.

SUGIZO: When I love that person so much I can't help it.

INORAN: When i want to hug them.

J: There's lots of different cases so...i guess when i want to hug them (laughs)

SHINYA: After a performance. i can't explain it well but after I've used everything up/got everything out of my system i start to feel like i need to hug someone. (TN: proof -> 1:40 https://youtu.be/VAQ20Qoqgm0?si=QWOcF5rK2Md42-CF&t=101)

What do you think is a sin?

RYUICHI: I don't think anything outweighs the sin of lying to yourself.

SUGIZO: Betrayal, and also suicide.

INORAN: Betrayal.

J: Lying.

SHINYA: It's not something you can count, because living as a human at the core is a sin, if we can all live while being conscious of our actions i think the world would be a better place.

What have you lost recently?

RYUICHI: I think when you stop lying to yourself you have to make sacrifices....so there would also be a time where you have to lose friends or partners.

SUGIZO: Time (laughs)

INORAN: There are probably a lot of things I've lost, in order to gain something you need to lose something.

J: Nothing.

SHINYA: Even if i had lost something i don't really care, if I've gained something I've probably lost something in the process (laughs)

[vlerian-root]

PMDD + transitioning

I don't know how to write this in a more poetic manner, but I would like to put some words out of my head and into (virtual) paper. Being trans has saved my life

Quite literally! I have a medical condition called PMDD, that has been undiagnosed for 17 years. It is a neurological sensitivity to changes in levels of estrogen in the blood. There is documentation out there, don't believe anything that says "it's like bad pms". It has nothing to do with pms. This is your brain being "allergic" to you getting your period, and causing havoc on any and all brain functions - like a russian roulette! It can affect your mood (in a good and bad way, usually very extreme), leaving you suicidal, violent, nonverbal, manic... It can be very painful - and not just in your head, with the typical migraines that last for days, but also on the rest of your body, or localized areas. I used to not be able to move my legs for days at a time. "Just pms" my ass. It can affect your memory. Long and short term memory, some parts of mine are just gone. Erased. Not coming back. They are big chunks too. It can affect you psychologically, in all the fun flavors that can have, like paranoia, obsession, depression, hypomania, dissociation... This usually lasts up to 10 days and ends when you get your period. Which is a hell of its own, so I have lost half of my time for the last few years, when it started getting really bad. It only got diagnosed for me when my psychologist noticed a pattern of me getting really bad every month around the same time. He assumed I knew this. I did not. Nobody had every mentioned PMDD, I didn't know it existed.

But here is where we get to the good part. I was in medical psychological therapy for something unrelated (OCPD, a personality disorder, although most of the symptoms got really bad with PMDD), and the psychiatrist assigned to me is an expert in this matter. He talked to me about the research he had done, and the research I had done while obsessively browsing the internet for any morsel of info I could get. So far any medical treatments had been from ineffective to making things a lot worse, so I needed to talk to someone who knew their stuff. And he did! But we found that since this is your body being "allergic" to a thing it naturally produces, and will continue to produce for at least another 20ish years, the best treatment was to stop that cycle. I had tried this before with my gyno. This went terribly bad. Twice. Or rather, it went great for 3 months, then worse than ever after that, and it became the new normal. It was hell. I was at a point where I couldn't have any sort of normal life. Half the time I would make projects and live happily by myself, and the other half I needed help to even walk to the bathroom because my head was about to explode, my legs didn't work, I wanted to jump out of a window, and I forgot about all my deadlines. Oh, and the muscle spasms that looked almost like seizures. This shit had cost me 90% of my social life, all of my professional life, and was now simply trying to take my life.

BUT!!! Did you know that if you remove the ovaries, the estrogen blood levels stop rising and falling? Did you know that triggers premature menopause? Did you know that testosterone is a very effective treatment of the side effects of menopause?

That was my whole approach, and my brilliant psychiatrist agreed it was a good one. To this day, he has been the only person to not question this decision even if it's pretty radical. He's the only one that has understood there is no sense in asking someone whose brain is killing them from the inside "are you sure you want to do that? you won't be able to turn back!". I'm aware you can't put the ovaries back in. But they are. Killing me. Driving me insane. Please.

It took me ages to find a doctor that would even contemplate doing this (quite simple) surgery. Every single one of them used the "but you are a woman of childbearing age, I can't do this in good faith" argument. Or the "I don't know about PMDD so I think you are lying" covered in sugary lies approach. It was hell.

In the end, I have gotten the surgery. I no longer have overies. I'm writing this weeks after it, and I can assure whoever is reading this that I no longer suffer - or will suffer - from PMDD ever again. Writing that feels so liberating... The kicker is that I wouldn't have been able to access any of this if I wasn't trans. Because PMDD is so badly researched and documented that even the doctors that specialize in the organs it affects think it's "bad pms". I had to say "but I am a trans man, this is very dysphoric". Then, and only then, would they give me T. I am not a trans man, just transmasc. I wanted to get healthy before transitioning, because it's not very great to be in an unstable mental state to handle the tsunami of changes and their (sometimes social) repercussions that come with it. But irony of ironies, the cure for 90% of my health issues has been transitioning.

OCPD has gotten easier to manage thanks to the emotional resilience I got on T (and what my therapist taught me) No ovaries mean no periods, which means no spending up to 2 weeks each month with my brain self destructing. No more memory loss, no more pain, no more spasms, no more migraines!!! No more dreading the days before the next T dose in case the previous one is a little too short (this has sent me to the ER before). No more pregnancy risk. No more depression, no more low energy, no more low libido, no more bullshit!!!! I am ME, inside and out, forever!!!!! I haven't felt like this since I was 14, and I'm 32 now! This is insane to think about @_@ It sucks that I had to lie to some doctors to get where I am today. But if I hadn't, I don't even know if I'd be here. It wasn't that big of a lie anyways (I hope). Feels bad to me, because I hate lying, but... no, I think this one was ok.

TL;DR: I have PMDD, meaning my brain is allergic to estrogen, so you can kind of say I was allergic to being a woman, and transitioning has saved my life ♥

If you are still reading this, thank you. I'm very sleepy and this probably makes very little sense, but my dms are open to any questions.

[final-girl96]

My Boyfriend's Back Chapter Seventeen

August 1997

Windsor College was a breath of fresh air. I was twenty-four thousand miles away from Woodsbor. Sidney, and Randy were here as well. Sidney was going for performance Arts and Randy was in film. I was here for music. It was a great school to attend when you wanted to be in that kind of industry. Sidney wanted to be an actress, which checks out. She was in drama all through high school. Randy isn't a big surprise either. He'd make a killer director.

I somehow got lucky enough not to have to share a dorm room. Sidney was on the floor below me and had a roommate, Hallie. She was pretty cool. She didn't really know who we were, which is nice and she's a psychology major. Randy was across campus which kind of sucked. We got here about a week ago. I had everything set up the way I wanted and was just making a few small changes and adding a few things. My window looked out to the back of the college. There were woods in the distance.

That's what I was doing now, looking out the window. I still look for Stu everywhere I go. Next month will be two years since mom has been gone and a year since the whole Woodsboro Massacre as the media likes to call it. Sidney and I have been asked to tell our story by several talk shows, magazines, you name it. We've both said no over and over again. We did do a couple interviews seeing as fucking Gale wrote a damn book about it. And now there is talk about a movie being made about our fucking lives.

It was dark out. I could see people walking around heading to parties. That's one thing I didn't want to go to. The last party I was at, my boyfriend and my sister's boyfriend tried to kill me. There were times when I thought I saw him in a crowd of people. I know it sounds like I'm going insane but I swear he's watching me. Just like I know he was in that attic when I went to pick up my stuff. I mean there was no way he wasn't. Leslie came in just as I was about to open the door and then she told me about the letter. That means his parents are helping him hide.

I turned around and grabbed my clothes, towel, and shower basket then headed out the door to the showers. It was around nine so everyone was out at the parties around campus. Somehow Hallie had talked Sindye into going to one of the Sorority parties. Hallie had her mind set on pledging to one as soon as she was able to and wanted to check them all out before picking. I down right refused to go with them. Nothing Hallie could say could convince me to go.

After I was finished with my shower I went back to my room, put my clothes in the hamper, and put my shower basket away. I was brushing my hair with my back to the corner by the door. I stopped brushing my hair when I felt a cold chill run down my spin. The hair on my arms stood and something inside me was screaming at me. Telling me there was something wrong.

Then a sudden warmth surrounded me and someone was whispering in my ear. "Miss me, baby?" My whole body stiffened and my stomach flipped. I felt like I was going to be sick. My brain was screaming at me to run but I couldn't move. "You never learn do you? You couldn't remember to lock your window and now you can't remember to lock your door. What am.i going to do with you? Hmm?" As soon as I felt his lip touch my neck I threw myself across the room.

"Don't come near me!" I yelled, pointing my finger at him. He held his hands up, "whoa. Hey, calm down. I'm not going to hurt you." He slowly walked towards me and I moved around him towards the door. "Come on, babe. I just want to talk." I shook my head and reached behind me, wrapped my hand around the door knob and turned it. As soon as it was open I bolted out the door and down the hall. "I like the chase!"

I ran down the stairs and pushed through the doors that led outside. There was nobody around now. I looked behind me to see Stu coming out of the same doors I just did. I ran across the lawn and towards Randy's dorm. I don't know if he was even in his room or if he went to a party. I looked behind me only to see Stu wasn't following me. I stopped and looked around me, spinning in circles. I screamed when a hand landed on my shoulder and started to push and hit whoever it was.

"Whoa! Whoa, hey, yn! Yn, it's just me!" I stopped fighting and looked up to see Randy. "Hey, it's okay." I launched myself at him and he wrapped his arms around me. "Okay…you're okay. What's going on? You're shaking." I let out a sob and he pulled away holding me at arm's length. "Yn, I need you to tell me what happened," he said. I looked around expecting to see Stu but I didn't or I couldn't. I could feel him watching, I just

couldn't see him.

"I–I um… he…" I was still looking around trying to find Stu. "He…who is he? Who are you looking for? Yn. Yn, who are you talking about?" I looked at Randy and shook my head. "No one. I just thought I saw um… I thought I saw Stu." I couldn’t look at him anymore. I didn't want to see the pity or the look people give when they think you lost your mind. "Nevermind. I'm sorry."

Randy shook his head and pulled me into a hug. "It's fine. I get it. It's been rough on you, and he's still out there somewhere, but honestly, yn… I don't think Stu would be stupid enough to come back." I nodded my head and pulled away. "Um…what're you doing out so late?" I asked. He shrugged, "I was going to go to the party but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I was heading back to my dorm." I let out a small laugh. "Well, do you want to come to my dorm? We can like… watch a movie or something." He wrapped an arm around my shoulder and nodded. "Sure. But I'm picking the movie."

[aita-blorbos]

AITA for trying to kill my dad?

Yeah, yeah, I know the title sounds bad. So I (18M) used to fight crime with my dad (39M), who we'll call B. I was his second kid, and I took up the mantle that his first kid left behind. We were pretty good at what we did, until my birth mother betrayed me to our greatest enemy and got both me and her killed. I got brought back from the dead a few months later, clawed my way out of my own grave, and wandered around for a bit until B's old lover found me and picked me up. I get back on my feet and I'm excited to be alive until I realize B never avenged me.

I can almost understand why he didn't, but I just can't fully wrap my head around it. The guy who killed me (I don't fuckin know how old he is, let's call him J) is a genuine menace and has only killed more people in the years since my death. B has this no killing rule which I used to follow myself, but it just makes my blood boil now. He's arrested this fucker like a million times and he keeps breaking out of prison (though I guess it's not a prison, it's actually an insane asylum with frankly very poor security) and killing people. You would think that when the guy kills your son, MAYBE you would finally put an end to it all, but no, your performative moral compass is more important than your dead son.

But when I came back from the dead, I thought I could fix this. I started fucking with B and his allies for a little while, and then I enacted this plan to terrorize this one specific criminal until he broke J out of prison to get his help. When he did that, I kidnapped J so I could force B into a confrontation where I could finally reveal myself to him. With a gun to J's head, B could either shoot me and save J, or shoot J and avenge my death. I could forgive him for not saving me, but I would rather die (again) than let J live another day.

I thought B would choose me, but he threw a sharp object at me at the last second (which actually killed me again, but I got better), then managed to save J from the rubble after the bomb went off. Despite my best efforts, J survived and is back in prison (for now, because we all know how well that's worked for us before), and now B knows who I am and probably thinks I'm some sort of supervillain. I'm not, I just think that his methods are far less effective than they need to be. I want to keep this city safe too, but I'm sick of him endangering kids and acting all high and mighty because he won't kill anyone, even the people who clearly won't reform and will just keep killing and destroying things until there's literally nothing left in this city. I didn't really mean for the bomb to go off in the end, and I don't necessarily want to kill him, but I think he's stupid for giving out third, fourth, and fifth chances to people who obviously don't deserve it. I wasn't going to be an asshole about it until he slit my throat, but I'm kind of pissed after that so. Y'know.

All I want is to keep people safe and to lower crime rates in the city. AITA even if that means using unsavory methods and maybe trying to kill my dad?

[phatcatphergus]

need someone to make a timeline of tubnet so that i can kill myself after reading it

Oh shit, I'm not that great with solid timelines so anyone who has detailed info please share!

From my knowledge, Tubbo has wanted to create a server to play on with his friends since he was really young (like the 13-14 age range I believe). He first made a server by begging his dad to buy one for him (Lee_500 the goat) and played on places like Hypixel as well.

Tubbo, being Tubbo, wanted to make it even better than it was and create his own games to play and create with friends. I know at one point he did actually make a minigame-based server but someone fucked him over and took all the revenue/credit but I don't know or can't remember the details of that.

Fast forward to the DSMP blow-up. Tubbo now has the financial capabilities to create what he's always wanted to create, as well as make it for other people to play and enjoy as well. He has always put so much work into making things for chat and this was just the perfect opportunity to fulfill his childhood dream of designing games within Minecraft to play with friends as well as make something to give back to the chat.

He starts actually getting into it around 2021 and the dream starts taking a form with the possibility of a team behind it.

In 2022 Tubbo joined Misfits who are now able to provide more financial support as well as create a staff and provide other resources for him to accomplish his dream. Ben Spoont is co-owner of TubNet now.

August of 2022 was the intended release date but was met with what Tubbo described at the time as "issues with their service providers". In reality, the server was hit with an insane DDoS attack that Cloudflare did jack shit about. Detailed information on that is in Tubbos video here

The server release date was then pushed to November of that year and went really well! They got insane traffic and everything seemed to be going well!

Unfortunately, the momentum didn't last long and the server traffic died down to really low numbers. There could be a few different reasons for this but the fact was that their numbers were as sustainable as they should be.

From the release date, there were tournaments and plans made by Tubbo and the TubNet team but unfortunately, here we are. I think there were a LOT of factors that went into this and there isn't one thing we can blame on it needing a hiatus but it was something that had so much potential and promise that i wish could have come to fruition

[mariyekos]

TW Suicide //

Saw a post last night about the pressure of education and remembered one time when my mom's friend came over and, when I told her I was going into a certain academic program, would not stop talking about how hard it was and how it almost drove her son to commit suicide, and how I would almost certainly want to commit suicide too, but it was fine because he survived and was a stronger person so I should just suck it up and I'd be able to make it through even when I inevitably wanted to kill myself too!

If this sounds like I'm exaggerating I'm not. She would not shut up about it. Like she went on and on about how the pressure of the program could be too much, and how her son had a bunch of extracurriculars, and how I did too, so I would probably be driven to the same path, and no she totally wasn't discouraging me she was just so proud of her son and how he finished the program even though he wanted to commit suicide, really it really made him want to commit suicide, he's doing fine now but it was so hard because he wanted to commit suicide so I should be careful, but she was sure I'd be fine even if it made me want to commit suicide, I seemed like a strong person- meanwhile I went from politely asking her to please stop to becoming more and more firm until eventually I couldn't take her repeatedly basically telling me I'd probably want to kill myself if I did what I loved and literally ran away. We were at my house so I quite literally ran into my bedroom and shut the door, sitting on the other side of it so no one could open it, but by then I was sobbing. She hadn't stopped even after I started crying either. Nothing I did got her to stop. She only stopped talking about how her son (and in the future, probably me! Almost certainly!) wanted to commit suicide when I physically exited the conversation so she literally could not talk to me.

My mom had gone inside for the moment and her second friend had gone to the bathroom so my mom only caught the very end of that conversation. I think she told the bad friend to stop too, but the friend was so proud of her son's resilience or whatever that she wouldn't stop until I ran away and my mom talked to her briefly before going upstairs to make sure I was okay.

The friend that wouldn't stop talking left before I came down. I don't remember how long it took because I was really, really upset (I mean someone soent several minutes almost encouraging me to attempt suicide by the way she phrased things, because I think her son did try to commit suicide but the attempt failed), just that she wasnt there when I left my room. My mom's other friend apologized and said if she'd been there for that, she probably would've slapped the bad friend, because seriously. Who repeatedly "encourages" a 14 or 15 year old by saying they'll want to kill themselves if they do the thing they 1) have wanted to do for a long time, 2) have already signed up (and have started) to do? Because again- this woman was acting like the whole suicide bit was encouragement. She went on and on about how it made her son a stronger person after he eventually decided he didn't want to kill himself anymore. She also acted like it was a sign of how good the program was, if it was hard enough it could drive someone to suicide. Surely something that would make you want to kill yourself was going to be really rigorous and beneficial if you manage to survive! Which was how she phrased it. It was insane.

I never saw that person again. She was never invited to my house again, and I think my mom only talked to her a handful of times after because my mom was on my side and it's hard to express how upset I was at that. All I can say is that it was enough to make me literally run away. Never in my life had I done it before, never have I done it after. I still don't get why that woman was so insistent upon it. Maybe it was her way of processing her son's mental state. Make it something good instead of bad. But to me it was horrible and I don't think I'll ever really get why she didn't stop when I asked.

[o-reviews-media]

Ruby Throat - The Ventriloquist

my review:

Bjork+Lana+Cat Power+Some unspecified fourth thing

"If only we could see the millions of years Conspired to get us both here The ocean of stars, the first to the last A million, million years" ... What an interesting album holy shit. The singer's voice is so distinct my gosh. At first, I was worried that it would begin to annoy me as the album went on, but in fact the opposite was true. There seems to be a very strong narrative of death and dread and some sort of sexual abuse as well as child abuse throughout the whole album, which I felt was developed very well. John 3.16 is a jaw-dropping song, and certainly one of the best on the album. Clocking in at a second short of 16 minutes, it just builds and builds in this extraordinary way. The way the singer combines the ethereal high pitch of her voice with an almost guttural screaming noise (on top of the insane building instrumental in the guitar esp) makes the song beautifully disturbing, especially towards the back 1/3 of the track. This song is definitely the turning point of the album - almost feels like "the straw that broke the camel's back" in relation to the singer's grief. On the next track, the singer asks over and over "I just want to know/Are you happy now?". The next track (Consuela's Newt) is a track with such sparse (almost groovy, even) instrumentation that I thought to myself "ok, break it down!" And break down it did. From the opening snarling vocals to the screamed and repeated "I don't want to die here/don't wanna die" shifting to "I wanna die here" I was hooked. And then the final track started. The resolution of the whole album that resolves everything and nothing, Boat Song has these beautiful crying guitar chords that I really love. The imagery of the singer dressed in all black and then all white and the final line of "What a shame/Lord, I'm too late" killed me! All in all a beautiful beautiful album that just gets better and better as it goes along. Shoutout to my boyfriend for sending this to me and saying "this album is very you core". You were right; I love you. ... "And I'm going to marry you in butterfly red" ... More Specific numerical value: high 9 Favorite track(s): John 3.16, Consuela's Newt, House of Thieves, Naked Ruby, Salto Angel Any Skips? - Definitely not. much too narrative for that Will it grow on me? - mayhaps, I think so

[golbrocklovely]

I don’t have a tik tok. What are they saying about our boys 🙄

omg thank you so much for sending in an ask about my post bc… i need to VENT lol

first and foremost, what aren't they saying about the boys on tiktok??? that's the real question.

imma just list the shit i've been either told or saw myself said about snc (but mostly colby).

sam should sue colby for the killing best friend prank (this one was brought to my attention by @xplrvibes like yesterday lol)

colby was molested

colby was sexually assaulted

elton made colby show his self harm scars on camera

colby has a bad relationship with his brother

sam cried being sexualized too much

the fans broke shea and colby up

colby has hated elton from the beginning

snc were talking about elton on the that one video years back (the one where they did the lie detector test on awesomenesstv)

not a SINGLE one of these are true, btw. that's the insane part to me. like…. every single one of these is a lie that i have no clue how they got started or who said them first.

and here, for anyone's benefit (in case you're curious) i will disprove all of these in one go.

sam was IN on the prank and has openly said that himself in the past

didn't happen/colby has never said that this has happened

same thing (granted if you want to make an argument that some fans have almost done this, that's a different story. but that's not what the fans on tiktok are talking about when they mention this)

colby has never self harmed. colby has never had depression, anxiety/has never been diagnosis with any mental illness. he even outright said in a video, EXPOSING THE TRUTH ABOUT COLBY BROCK, when asked if he was emo "depending on your definition of emo, if you say emo is somebody that hurts themselves - no. i'm not emo in that way." not to mention that if this is something that did happen, how come there was not a WORD about it until 2022??? the last time snc collabed with elton was in 2019. there is no WAY this shit could have happened, only to be talked about now with no proof. ALSO colby literally stated multiple times, back on metalife and even in a livestream in 2020/21, that he has never suffered from a mental illness, which is why he doesn't feel comfortable giving advice on it.

literally…. how would anyone know this in the first place? colby doesn't really talk about his family. but if you want to get technical, for a while in the back of his videos in 2020/21, you could see on his record player his brother's bands record. plus he literally went and saw him run a marathon in 2022 so… his relationship with him is fine.

that's literally not a thing at all lmao

shea and colby never dated, as much as shea would like you to believe otherwise. and if the fans are talking about their friendship… they are two grown adults. no one can make them do anything they don't want to do.

snc lived with elton for a full year, and continued to collab with him until 2019. elton didn't even become a hater until late 2020/early 21. so… no. colby didn't hate elton from the beginning just bc he has resting bitch face in some of the videos. if you want to make an argument that elton took some of his pranks too far, sure. but that's not what this is about.

this one is just ppl taking an old clip and trying to make it make sense to nowadays, so i'll give some slack. but again, this wasn't about elton. it was about aaron when they had beef with him for like a week and a half in 2019 lol

there is probably TONS of other shit said on there that i don't remember off the top of my head. but the fact that i've seen tons of these comments and tiktoks saying this shit is true is bonkers to me. idk who is starting these rumors, but like… dear lord above stop.

like i'm literally gonna have to make a snc tiktok account just to dispel rumors bc it annoys me to no end how these fans believe this stuff with literally NO PROOF.

[bonesandthebees]

It's very funny to see my dash filled with QSMP stuff yet not being into it myself. I think now I understand how all those people felt when they were exposed to DSMP content/discourse, because the stuff I see now sounds absolutely insane sometimes (I dropped off after Juanaflippa died and haven't been up to date ever since).

Anyway, the Halloween story! I really liked what you did with leading us to believe that Wilbur was the guilty one (the conversation in the bar really sold that idea) and then slowly letting us realise that maybe things aren't the way we think they are. Small towns hold so many secrets..

Burning down the corn somehow felt like the last punch they could pull and in a way it was very poetic. A nice sense of closure.

I also wonder what was Phil's reaction when the boys told him the story. Could you tell us more about it? (or redirect me to a post if this was already answered)

-🌹

LMAO I'm so sorry for filling your dash with qsmp I'm sure that's gotta be wild to experience. qsmp is insane enough when you know what's going on, the outside POVs have gotta feel so wild

I don't blame you for dropping off after juanaflippa died I definitely considered dipping but then the wilbur soot tallulah week happened and I was revitalized and became extremely invested in that beanie wearing egg with hair. then I got highkey attached to everyone else and now I rotate q!phil in my mind constantly he's soooooo :)

(general reminder to my followers: if something I post a lot of and don't tag is annoying you feel free to ask me to tag it so you can block the posts! I stopped tagging my qsmp posts a while ago but I can go back to doing that or create a new tag for them if you don't wanna see them)

anyway moving on

aw thank you I'm so glad you enjoyed!! I had a lot of fun playing around with the misdirection in the foreshadowing. that conversation in the bar was especially fun to write because quackity holds the same assumption as the readers: that wilbur killed their father. wilbur knows this is what quackity thinks and doesn't do a whole lot to dissuade that notion, thus further cementing the idea to the readers as well. it was a lot of fun wordplay for me

ngl I've just always wanted to write a midwestern gothic type thing that ended with a cornfield burning down the mental image is just too cool. also like you pointed out I thought it gave the story a nice sense of closure :)

okay so this ask doesn't get too long (and so people can keep things vague if they want) i'll put the 'what happens when phil finds out' bit under the cut

so I wanted to leave things with phil vague so the readers could make their own interpretations, but I'd like to think that phil actually suspected that wilbur and tommy had something to do with their father's disappearance from the start. he never put too much stock into it though because he always thought they would've told him if they did actually have a hand in it. so instead he just kind of purposefully turned a blind eye to all the signs and imagined their father probably went and pissed the wrong person off at the wrong time while drunk and got a bullet between the eyes as a result. it wasn't exactly wrong.

anyway, finding out that his original gut feeling was right and they were the ones to kill him hurts phil a lot. not because his brothers murdered their father, but because they didn't tell him about it for ten years. when more details get revealed and he learns that tommy was the one to shoot him and not wilbur, he understands a little more why wilbur was so reluctant to tell him but still, the hurt is there. at the very least, he understands why wilbur left now, and that's been an open wound for him for years at this point. so that bit of closure, combined with knowing for sure that their father is never coming back, makes up for the pain of knowing how long his little brothers lied to him.

basically the conversation ends with phil reassuring tommy a lot while scolding wilbur for leaving for eight years instead of telling him the truth. hours later though, probably once the sun has risen and tommy has passed out in his room, phil sees wilbur sitting at the dining table staring blankly into his coffee mug. he thinks about what wilbur told him before about how he learned to run away from him, and that phil wasn't there when they needed him. he thinks about the guilt in wilbur's eyes when he told phil that tommy had to shoot their dad because he just couldn't pull the trigger himself.

and phil goes and hugs his younger brother, and tells him that it wasn't his fault. that he did the best he could. that it's okay that he couldn't pull the trigger. and wilbur hugs him back, feeling like a little kid again wrapped up in his big brother's arms.

it's not okay yet. it might not ever be fully okay. but they're dealing with it. as a family this time.