#i wish i found more people into this movie damn it's a masterpiece

[minijenn]

Jen Tortures Herself With Every Dreamworks Animated Movie Ever: Puss In Boots: The Last Wish

Holy shit, ya'll, holy shit. This movie, THIS FUCKING MOVIE is probably one of the most insanely BEAUTIFUL, expertly crafted MASTERPIECES, not just from Dreamworks, but from any studio EVER. Like what the hell, how did they DO THIS? How did they take a sequel to a decent, but somewhat forgettable spinoff movie and turn it into something THIS FUCKING GREAT? It's utterly unbelievable, and yet absolutely magical in every way. So let's get into me gushing about how much I adore this movie because how can I not?

After losing the eighth of his nine lives, Puss falls into something of a slump, until he hears word of a magical Wishing Star. Hoping to use the star's power to get his nine lives back and escape from the (utterly terrifying) clutches of Death, he once again teams up with Kitty Softpaws, and a new addition to the group, the adorably innocent Perrito, to brave the Dark Forest and find the Star. However, they're not alone in the race to the star, as Big Jack Horner and Goldilocks and the Three Bears are all determined to beat Puss and crew to it and take the wish for themselves.

So there's like... so much happening in this movie, you'd think it'd be a jumbled mess of characters and plotlines with nothing getting the focus that it should, and yet... I don't know how they did it but everything just... fits so perfectly here? The pacing is some of the best I've seen in any movie, all the plot beats and scenes go on just long enough and everything flows so naturally and right? The charactesr are all given so much depth and time to just interact here, and not just our leads either (I'll get into that more in a sec). At no point does anything feel like its dragging and at no point does anything feel like its going by too fast. I don't know how they did it, but it all feels, in the words of Goldi and the Bears, just right.

As for our characters, Puss is just as great as always here, with a really compelling arc of him learning to value his life and the people in it. Kitty herself has a good arc too of learning to trust as her and Puss rekindle their relationship. Perrito is absolutely precious and adds this genuine sweetness and heart to an otherwise grizzled and world-wary duo. Goldi and the Three Bears are absolute standouts though, like oh my god, ya'll oh my god the feels I had for this sad little orphan girl and her theiving bear family? I want an entire series or spinoff movie about them, Dreamworks, PLEASE I'm BEGGING you, I need MORE of this beautiful little found family!

We have two villains here, and both are pretty great in their own right! Jack Horner is our more traditional insane villain played for laughs (the fact that he's voiced by John Mulaney helps) and he's pretty funny while also being appropriately sinister and ruthless, making him effectual to boot. But then there's Death and holy shit, if this movie had come out when I was a kid, I think this wolf would have had me pissing my pants because he is terrifying. Like seriously, hands down, the scariest villain in any Dreamworks movie by both design and in terms of just the way he moves, the way he speaks, his eerie whistling any time he enters a scene? No wonder Puss has multiple panic attacks when faced by this motherfucker, because honestly, I would too.

The themes of this movie are all so wonderful as well, from the ones I mentioned above (learning to value life, trust, found family, etcs), but I think its overaching message is absolutely beautiful and shines its way through all of its various subplots. The idea that sometimes, the thing you're wishing for most is something you already have. Like damn, Dreamworks, hit me hard with that kind of beautiful, inspiring truth.

Also fucking hell, the ANIMATION??? IS UNREAL??? This is by and large the most BEAUTIFUL movie dreamworks has ever made, with such a unique and vibrant style that makes everything feel so... dreamlike, I'd say. The texture work here is so complex and yet so simple, the backgrounds are so intricate and colorful, the MOVEMENT IN SOME OF THESE FIGHT SCENES? Insane, unbelievable, Idk how they did it, but they DID it, and it's GORGEOUS. Also so is the music! The score SLAPS, especially in those fight scenes and also I just gotta say, Favorite Fearless Hero? Gonna be stuck in my head for a week. I ain't even mad about it.

So yeah, Puss in Boots: The Last Wish is probably one of the single greatest things Dreamworks has ever made. It just hits in every way, an excellent ride from beginning to end with a story that flows so well, characters that are just a delight to watch, animation and music that practically make me foam at the mouth, gah, its just... perfect. Truly, utterly perfect. (Or Purrfect, if you want to be catty about it (ok, I'll stop).

Overall Rating: 10/10

Verdict: Have a realistic depiction of a panic attack

Previous Review (The Bad Guys)

Next Review (Ruby Gillman: Teenage Kraken)

[whats-9plus10]

Here’s a top 10 list of my favorite Gary moments based on absolutely nothing but my personal opinions.

10. Gary’s haircut

Move over Zuko. Gary’s character development hasn’t finished yet. I feel like this signified a whole new chapter for him that we were supposed to see in season 8, but now will hopefully get to see in the movie. Also he looks so good with his little slut strands.

9. Grippy socks Gary

Gary helping Hank and Dermott was cute. That’s it. It was so damn cute. It was the trio I didn’t know I needed until it happened. Gary was creeping around the compound looking for an adventure, and unlike Al who got roped into Hank’s nonsense, Gary encouraged it. He provided the intel, made the plan, and probably drove them to the bank. Gary crafting was adorable and he looks so good in scrubs. This is an underrated Gary episode.

I also found it interesting that he continued to call himself Viceroy after cutting ties with the Monarch. I guess following a man dressed as a butterfly since in middle school does things to the developing adolescent brain. Gary was still seeing butterflies, literally (although to be fair, those ink blots do look like butterflies).

8. Hero with a number

The original Captain Sunshine has Gary pegged. I don’t know if I would go so far to call him a “hero”, but he is one of the most genuine characters on the show and the people around him respond to that. He made an impression on Shore Leave that later made way for him to join S.P.H.I.N.X. After his iconic fight with Brock, Brock didn’t walk away. He sat down next to him and waited at least long enough to light up a smoke until Gary woke up. Then they worked together to defeat a common enemy. Gary must’ve made a good enough impression on Hank so that he could later appeal to Enrico Matassa to save the Monarch from being shot in season 7. And after robbing Hatred blind for years, Hatred ended up bonding with Gary. Even if it was just for a moment. He’s the nice guy Dean wishes he was. Side note - Gary in only a loincloth and mask keeps me up at night. Why doesn’t this man have more bitches? How has RUSTY seen more action than Gary. I’ll volunteer guys don’t worry I’m on it.

7. Suiting up

Please see my meow meow edit.

But seriously how does Gary just know everything? He knew about Enzo’s, he knew about Teddy at Dunwitch, he made it his job to know what’s good and he’s good at it. What’s more impressive than his physical glow up is how loyal and competent he’s become. He’s a guy that will it handle it. How? He’ll just handle it don’t worry about it.

6. Kano

Amazing. Phenomenal. A masterpiece. Gary as Kano was setting boundaries. He was addressing his trauma. He was competent and cool and he looked so damn good. And most importantly, IT WAS HIS IDEA! The Monarch didn’t want to dress up as his dead dad. Monarch wanted to do the same old “I’ll get you Dr. Venture” schtick. Gary came up with the idea to be bad guys dressed as good guys so they can kill bad guys so they can arch a good guy. Are you following along? Because Gary sure is.

5. S.P.H.I.N.X

God I wanted this to work out for him. This phase highlighted Gary’s main motivation. It’s not to be a hero or a villain, he just wants to be a part of something. His conversation with Hatred at the end of season 5 touches on that. When he was 1/2 of a nameless duo that was good enough for him. Being a leader after 24 died didn’t seem to satisfy him. He pursued a relationship with Dr. Mrs. but was rejected. He tried to follow Brock to the OSI but wasn’t accepted. He tried rebuilding a new team but was betrayed. I don’t know if he knew going back to the Monarch was the right choice, but it ended up being what he needed. The Monarch needed a new number 2 and Gary needed a new best friend. This all led up to his speech in his last scene during the last episode of season 7, which makes me appreciate this arc even more. 

4. Gary breaks the 4th wall

21 and 24 aren’t “invulnerable” despite what the Monarch thought. There are many instances in the show that shows exactly how these two idiots survived. They know the game. Gary reads the comics and watches the movies and plays the video games. And unlike Henchman 1, he can see a cliché coming. He’s a henchman and he knows exactly what that means, and it’s not worth dying for. He’s not the main character, he knows the good guys always win, so he hauls his ass out of whatever situation he’s in and hides so he can live another day. He can practically see the plot unfolding before him. He was competent long before his transformation whether he wanted to admit it or not. That’s why he didn’t buckle his seatbelt.

3. Gary climbs the Rocky Steps

I think we all agree that Gary’s transformation was one of the best developments in the show. He loved and he lost. Then he took a hard look in the mirror and decided to change. Season 4 Gary was motivated by grief. But what I love about him is that it didn’t turn him into a mean, cruel, jaded guy. He got dieseled and went back to the cocoon to make it a better place for himself and for all the other henchman. This was the ultimate taking of responsibility. Something we hadn’t seen in most of the other characters at the time.

2. Gary drives Dr. Girlfriend back to the cocoon.

I know what you’re thinking. Why did op put this random ass scene in the top 3? Because this is when Gary became my favorite character. I don’t care that he fought Brock (I still think it was awesome). I don’t care that he became General 21. When he was babbling about spin art to someone who could not care less, but he was just exited and thought it was cool, and I know he thought going from talking about their failed attempt to paint the car to spin art made sense in his head. It made sense to me. I remember being a kid and seeing this scene and realizing that whoever made this cartoon really understood me. That’s why he was so distraught when 24 sided with Killinger and devastated when he died. When you’re like that, it feels like nobody understands you and everybody thinks you’re weird. It took me forever to realize that a lot of people react similarly to Dr. Girlfriend, annoyed. So you learn to turn that side of you off. Gary didn’t have to do that because he had 24. And even though he had his glow up, that side of him remained intact. It’s one of the best aspects of his character. 

Also because I would play with my Cra-Z-Art spin art toy for hours it’s such a strange specific memory that this scene unlocked for me.

And finally….

1. You already know

Gary in sweatpants sent me through a second puberty. That’s it.

There are so many other moments that deserve to be in my top 10. Gary’s fight with Brock, Gary suiting up after the Monarch’s jail break, that moment at 15 where he just decided to stay with a guy that kidnapped him and work for him for the rest of his life. I’m not exaggerating when I say that I think Gary has one of the best written character arcs ever. I hope we get to see more of him one day. Everyone please support the movie when it comes out.

[bitsandbobsandstuff]

The Midnight Coconuts

Summary: Bucky and his girl take a trip to the grocery store. Several things are involved, including coconuts, a 25cent gum-ball machine, Avengers branded Jell-O, chocolate milk straight from the jug, and tampons.  Characters: Bucky x Reader Words: 3k Warnings: Some swearing. Insane levels of fluff. Dangerously adorable Bucky. One (1) random reference to Not Another Teen Movie. 

A/N: Listen, I will never be over silly domestic Bucky! I originally started this story before TFATWS came out and when I imagined Sam had a niece, so just go with it. Part of me wrote this, because I needed to convince myself that I love grocery shopping (one can only eat takeaway and Trader Joe’s Orange Chicken for so long) and the other part wrote this because I firmly believe domestic routines can be the most romantic adventures out there.

When the doors to the grocery store whoosh open with a gust of stale manufactured air, Bucky skids to an abrupt and dramatic stop.  

“WAIT!”

Behind him, you stumble in panic, fumbling with an armful of reusable grocery bags. Instantly you’re imagining spilled blood and stab wounds and clean ups on aisle three and god dammit, how can there be a problem? This is a grocery store at midnight on a Wednesday. Shouldn’t the forces of evil be sleeping? Why is it so impossible to get a day off work? Don’t they know you need rest? And peanut butter? And that you’re dangerously low on toilet paper?

The forces of evil are the worst.

Raising weary fists, you huff.

“What? Where is it?”

Bucky sidesteps toward a row of small red and green machines beside the entrance, falling to his knees and smushing his nose eagerly against the glass. Reaching a hand behind him, there are several impatient grabby motions, before he glances back.

“Babe, can you give me a quarter? I need a gum-ball.”

Planting a sneaker clad foot on his ass, you shove. Hard.  

“Bucky, we talked about this. Remember how you agreed to lower the drama and keep things in perspective? I thought we were under attack.”

“If I don’t get a green gum-ball,” he declares dramatically, “there will be an attack.”

Throwing the cloth bags at his face, you stomp off to retrieve a shopping cart, plunking your purse in the front and hunching over the handlebars.  

“I thought you said you were a millionaire now. Buy your own gum-ball.”

Bucky rolls his eyes.

“Like I carry loose change,” he scoffs. “C’mon, just one quarter. Please?”

This time, he gives you the Look. That patented Bucky Barnes stare, with the wide eyes and full pouty lips and faux innocent expression, and if this man wasn’t the love of your life you’d quite happily stab him in the heart.

Instead, you open your purse and fish out a quarter, flinging it at his frustratingly pretty face. It bounces off his forehead and he scoops it up with a grin.

“So just to clarify. You came to the grocery store covered in knives, but you forgot to bring money?”

Giving you an indulgent smile, he jams the quarter into the slot. With a twist and shake, a gum-ball rattles free, and Bucky crows with delight when he sees the green candy. He pops it in his mouth. 

“I didn’t forget. I made a conscious decision to remove the temptation. If I bring cash, I’ll spend it. You know I ain’t great with that whole self control thing.”

“How encouraging to hear, from the man with knives pouring out his ass.”  

Jumping to his feet, he throws an arm around your shoulders. 

“Ass knives sound painful.”

“Depends on how sharp they are,” you mumble, pulling a carefully folded sheet of paper from your jacket.

“Excuse you? My knives are always perfectly sharpened, thank you very much. What kind of expert assassin runs around with dull knives? Damn baby, it’s like you don’t even know me.”

Ignoring him, you flatten out the paper and smooth the edges, sighing happily at the block letters and structured diagrams drawn in deep blue ink. 

Here it is, your masterpiece. A monument to productivity. The gold standard by which all optimization models should be benchmarked. This isn’t just any list, this is The List.

Everything is grouped, first by aisle, then by product location within the aisle, and then from top to bottom shelf order, to maximize efficiency. This is the dream list. The kind that inspires jealousy. The kind people hold up at TED talks when they talk about time management techniques. Marie Kondo wishes she had this list. 

Bucky snorts when he sees the carefully printed boxes.  

“God, you’re such a square,” he says adoringly. He plants a sugary wet kiss on your temple and you grind an elbow into his ribs.

“We discussed this, Bucky. Don’t mock my lists.” 

“Sorry babe, I ain’t mocking. Your lists are beautiful, they always get me all hot and bothered,” he agrees, dipping lower to lick behind your ear. “And I really love that list you keep with all those dirty, filthy, sex things you wanna do to me.”

“I don’t have a list like that.”

“Yeah, I know,” Bucky sighs, “and I don’t know how many more hints I can drop here.”

Reaching under his shirt, you rub his belly consolingly. “Okay then. This weekend I’ll sit down and make you a special list. One so disgusting and dirty and depraved, it would make Wade Wilson cry.”

Bucky laughs and squeezes you tighter. 

“About damn time honey. I’m equally parts terrified and horny. So where’re we headed first?”

“Produce,” you answer promptly, plowing forward, Bucky still chuckling beside you.

The whole scenario was ironic, actually. There was no need to grocery shop - automatic ordering mechanisms  across the Avengers tower rendered the task meaningless - but sometimes it was a welcome relief to partake in such an ordinary thing. Unable to sleep after one particularly terrible mission, you found yourself wandering the aisles of your 24-hour supermarket, dressed in pineapple adorned pajama pants and one of Bucky’s rattier sweatshirts, searching for ice cream. The unexpected symmetry of products arranged along the shelves, the rainbow hued produce, the hint of baking bread wafting from the ovens, all those everyday trappings of normality, they washed over like a soothing balm. Soon enough, the boiling bad thoughts simmered to nothing more than a cache of blurry memories.

When you got home, sleep came fast, deep and dreamless.

One month later, the idea struck again.

After 36 hours of Bucky tossing and turning, dark shadows bruising beneath weary blue eyes, you took his hand and led him down the dark street for a midnight adventure. He was skeptical, disbelieving that something so simple could chase away the insomnia. But he dutifully followed you, strolling aimlessly through the aisles, throwing odds and ends into the cart. 

The tension gradually eased, he began to relax, and suddenly? 

He was hooked.

An hour later, after arguing the health benefits of frosted Cheerios over oatmeal, poking each hunk of cheese in the display, and loading the cart with every single flavor of spaghetti sauce on the shelf, the heavy weight of remembering began to ease. When he collapsed into bed, he slept for eight hours straight.

I don’t know what that was, he swore the next morning, munching through his third bowl of frosted Cheerios, but it was magic.

And with that, a midnight ritual was born. Sometimes you make the trek alone, sometimes Bucky does the same, but whenever life permits you go together. This small slice of domesticity brings a warm comfort to this strange life.   

There is no doubt, this is your favorite area of the entire store.

Barrels filled with tart oranges and smooth red apples. Tables piled high with bananas, some just shy of yellow, others sunshine perfect, and a few with speckles of black (which are the best). Shelves lining the walls, overflowing with bundles of herbs and lettuce, all coated in a fine layer of mist. 

Bliss. 

Heading straight for the apples, you plunge into the Gala pile, rummaging until you come up with ten perfect ones. Peaches follow, fingers rubbing along the delicate pinky-orange fuzz. Squeeze, smell, squeeze, smell. Five are chosen for a pie (Sam pleaded shamelessly until you agreed to make him one), and in the cart they go. Heading toward the wall of herbs, you’re reaching for the basil when a metallic bang makes you jump. Spinning around, you find Bucky lobbing coconuts into the cart.

“We need these.”

“We really don’t, Buck. I hate coconut, it tastes like suntan lotion.”

“They’re not for eating,” he grabs an apple, wipes it on his shirt, and takes a juicy bite. “They’re for security.”

Sticky juice drips from his lip, catching in his beard. When you reach over to swipe it away, he nips your finger with a grin.

“Explain please.”

“See it’s like this. We’re just here shopping, doin’ our thang -”

“Don’t say thang.”

“- when someone attacks. What happens? BAM. One of these furry beauties breaks their face. Problem solved.”

Giving him a slow perusal, you raise an eyebrow.

“Were the 47 knives you’re carrying not enough to deflect this attack?”

Finishing off the apple in three sloppy bites, he carefully tucks the price sticker in his pocket so he can scan it before leaving and sets the mangled core beside your purse.

“Babe, these are my back-up plan. A good soldier always has a back-up plan.”

While you grab a bottle of extra-pulpy orange juice, Bucky picks two jugs of chocolate milk, snaps one open and takes a swing. Ever the thrifty shopper, he pulls a familiar bag from his back pocket, fishes out a crumpled piece of newspaper, and dangles it before you.

“Found a coupon for this,” he says gleefully. “Buy one, get one free. It’s called a BOGO. A BOGO. Hilarious, right? Fuck me, I love the future.”

Still laughing, he takes another long drink of chocolate milk and smacks his lips.

It was a lazy Sunday morning when you discovered this particular habit. Walking into the living room, you found Bucky buried in a sea of Sunday newspaper, tongue between his teeth and scissors in hand while he clipped coupons. He wasn’t picky, if it was remotely interesting, it went into the YES pile. It was one of those random things that brought him inordinate levels of joy, so of course you encouraged it. On his last birthday, you gifted him with a green zippered bag decorated with angry looking owls and official looking letters stitched across the front:

Bucky’s Coupon Bag  Thriftn’ Machine Since 1917

He laughed for five straight minutes and then stuffed it full. The bag accompanies you on every trip and the sight of Bucky excitedly rifling through his wad of coupons still makes your heart swell.  

Setting aside his BOGO, Bucky continues down the aisle, leaving you to pause in front of the yogurt. While you contemplate the merits of blackberry vs strawberry, Bucky slides over holding three cans of Reddi-Whip. 

“Are you actually planning to eat that? I thought you said whipped air is for, and I quote, ‘spineless, tasteless trash heathens’?”

Bucky shakes the can of spray whipped cream and wiggles his eyebrows, leveling you with a sultry stare. 

“Hell no I’m not eating it. This is for the bedroom. Last week I watched this god-awful movie where some blond guy - who looked exactly like Steve, by the way - made himself a whipped cream bikini for his girl. Decided I’m gonna do that for you. You’re welcome.”

“That sounds gross and unsanitary.” 

“If by gross and unsanitary you mean spicy and sexy, then yes. Yes it does.”

Whistling what sounds like the theme music from a bad porn, he adds two tubs of honey swirled Greek yogurt, pats your butt, and strolls ahead, throwing a roughish wink over his shoulder. Imagining the melted whipped cream soaking into your bedsheets, you mentally add more laundry detergent to the list.

“Hang on, turn here.”

Tugging the cart behind him, Bucky stalks toward the feminine hygiene display. It takes him a minute to scan the products before squatting down to the bottom shelf. Grabbing two jumbo boxes of tampons, oddly enough the brand you prefer, he pops back to his feet.  

“Dare I ask why you need these?”

A faint pink flush crawls up his neck.  

“Well, you know, two reasons. They’re really great for stopping bloody noses, you know? Just poke ‘em up there and they soak it all up.”

 He mimes the execution and adds a thumbs up.

“And the second reason?”

Squinting at his boots, he shuffles his feet a bit. The pink flush deepens. 

“Um, you know - I know you’re out, since I stuck the last one up Steve’s nose last week, and yeah. Anyway. It’s about that time. Of the month. For you.”

Clearing his throat, he reaches for his chocolate milk, but you grab his wrist.  

“You know when my period’s going to start?”

He shrugs self-consciously and fiddles with a loose thread on his shirt.  

“Well yeah. You think it’s just a coincidence when all your favorite candy shows up every month?” Looking up, he shoots you a crooked smile and leans over the cart to kiss your forehead. Grabbing a fistful of his shirt, you haul him in for a real kiss instead and his startled laughter tickles your lips. When you break away, those bright blue eyes are shining. 

“Thank you, Bucky,” you murmur.

“Anytime, sweetheart,” he whispers. 

This is the aisle where the cart officially explodes.

Lasagna noodles.

Egg noodles.

Spaghetti noodles.

Penne.

Linguine. 

Fettuccine.

Literally one of every noodle is selected, because Bucky Barnes is a self-proclaimed noodle slut. 

As you organize the boxes and search for orzo, you see him furtively add an extra bag of elbow macaroni. A quiet cough hides your laughter.

The last time Sam’s four-year-old niece came to the tower, she and Bucky spent hours making glittery elbow macaroni necklaces, which they ceremoniously gifted to everyone. When Sam casually mentioned her enthusiastically telling everyone at pre-school about her friend Bucky and how much fun she had visiting him, Bucky ran to a craft store and bulk bought supplies of glue, string, paint, and glitter, just in case she comes over again.

Months later and the entire team are still finding puddles of glitter all over the tower, but the delight on Bucky’s face anytime someone mentions that arts and crafts afternoon? 

It’s worth the mess.     

Gathering up brown sugar, instant oats, and chocolate chips, you turn to drop them in the cart when Bucky makes a strangled noise. Glancing over, you find him bouncing on his toes, vibrating with excitement.

“Babe. Babe. Are you making monster cookies?”

Adding a can of raisins, you search for the good vanilla. The kind that actually tastes like vanilla, not a cheap car wash air freshener. 

“I promised I would,” you remind him. Bucky plasters himself against your back, wrapping you in an enthusiastic hug and nuzzling his face against your neck.

“I love those fucking cookies,” he declares. “They’re my favorite thing ever. Next to you I mean.”

Finding the vanilla, you spin in his arms and return the squeeze.  

“I know you do. But you have to share them this time, okay? You can’t just eat them all yourself like the last two times. Agree?”

“Agree…to disagree. They’re wasted on other people, no one else loves as much. It’s for the best when I eat them all, it’s proof how much I love you. I’m doing it for you. I’m supporting you. Because I love you.”

“You’re completely full of shit,” you reply.

“I swear I’m not! Just listen!”

The excuses grow longer and wilder as Bucky outlines his rationale against sharing, walking backward and dragging the cart with him as he pleads his case. He’s diving into the science of super soldier metabolism levels and caloric requirements and the fact that his sister never shared anything with him, when he bumps into a tall display. 

He pulls up short, eyes narrowing. Plunking his fists on his hips, he growls a disgruntled sigh and glares at the rows of packaging. 

“You’ve gotta be shitting me.”

Lined up in neat rows, you see boxes of Jell-O organized by color and flavor. On the cover of each are an assortment of familiar images.  

“Are these Avengers themed Jell-O?” you ask, picking up a box with Sam’s image and the words Wild Berry Wilson. The rows extend further, filled with Lime Green Hulk and Blue Raspberry Rogers and Black Cherry Widow and Strawberry Lemon Stark. Exasperated, Bucky grabs the Sparkling Orange Spider flavor. 

“Is this for real? The kid gets one and I didn’t? Someone in PR is getting fired.”

“Well there’re only so many flavors, Buck,” you point out practically, but Bucky’s not in the mood for logic. Instead, he swipes an entire shelf of Jell-O flavors into the cart.  

“I swear to god, I have to do everything around here. Fine then. I’ll make my own flavor, Blackberry Kiwi Soldier or Winter Watermelon Rainbow, or something.” He pauses thoughtfully. “Anyway, I’ll work on the name. But I’m bringing it to dinner tomorrow night and everyone is gonna eat it.”

He dumps in a bag of mini-marshmallows and grabs sprinkles for topping, before marching down the aisle. Cringing at the volume of sugar in the cart, you make another mental note to schedule a dentist appointment.

“Go do your manly duty and find the meat. We need two 5lb rump roasts.”

“I like your rump roast,” he instantly responds and reaches over to smack your butt again. Anticipating the move, you catch his arm and twist it behind his back. He barks out a breathless laugh and you slap his ass in return.

“Your innuendos are tragic.”

Releasing him with a gentle shove, Bucky snatches up his three coconuts and ambles away, laughing while he juggles them. When he returns, he has the requested rump roasts, several packages of bacon, and a bundle of cocktail shrimp.

“If my innuendos get better, then can I touch your butt?”

“Maybe. But they better be real good.”

An added benefit to shopping at midnight? Not a soul in line.

Loading everything onto the conveyer belt, you automatically organize for bagging. Boxes together, produce together, meat together. Bucky adds a pack of batteries, a tin of mints, and some trashy magazines.

The last three items in the cart are his coconuts. They rattle around until you toss them at him, motioning back to the produce department. 

“We made it out alive. Go put them back.”

Still chomping his tasteless green gum-ball, he shakes his head and plops them down. 

“Nah, I have another idea for them. Got all those craft supplies at home, I’m gonna make you something.”

“Should I even ask?”

Bucky blows a huge, wet bubble and looks you up and down.

“Have you every worn one of those coconut bras? Like on TV, with the ladies in grass skirts? I’m gonna make you one. I already have string and glue. And glitter.”

“I think you may be overestimating your crafting abilities.” Digging out your credit card, you wait for the final tally. 

“Well, if it’s terrible then you’ll just be naked. Either way, I win.”

Shaking out your grocery sacks, he packs everything with Tetris-like efficiency and slides all of them up the vibranium arm.   

“How about I make you a deal. I’ll wear a coconut bra, if you’ll make yourself something to wear as well.”

Bucky blows another sugary bubble, pondering the idea.

“Like a coconut man thong?”

“Exactly like a coconut man thong.”

“Deal. Add it to that special dirty list you’re making me honey. We got loads to do.” 

Outside, the night air smells sweet and cool, the barest hint of a spring rain and fresh grass lingering on the breeze. Already, your eyes are feeling heavy, tonight’s quiet adventure ushering in that sought after peace. 

In your right hand, the three coconuts swing gently in their plastic sack. Humming under his breath, Bucky yawns, reaching for your other hand. His warm, calloused palm squeezes tight, his thumb stroking lightly over your skin.

He turns to you with a sleepy, lopsided smile.

Midnight and coconuts.  

It always does the trick.

***

[writingtoforgetreality]

Gold Rush (Sebastian Stan x Reader)

[Actors-Masterlist]

Gold Rush [1] / You’re Not Sorry [2] / This Is Me Trying [3] / [4] (soon)

Summary: Your career was blossoming, especially with your new role in “The Falcon and the Winter Soldier”. Working on set was a dream come true. It was never your intention to fall for one of your coworkers. Not when you knew that he would never look at you that way.

Words: 2,637

Warnings: language, it’s Anthony Mackie’s world & we’re just living in it, angst, feeeeeels, maybe I cried, maybe I didn’t, we’ll never know, REQUESTS ARE OPEN!

Inspired by: “gold rush” by Taylor Swift

If you like my work & wanna support me: a coffee would be highly appreciated ❤

Gleaming, twinkling

Eyes like sinking ships on waters

So inviting, I almost jump in

You scored big time when you were casted in the upcoming Marvel series “The Falcon and the Winter Soldier”. Working alongside Anthony Mackie & Sebastian Stan had been more than you had ever wished for. The atmosphere on set was harmonious. Everything would have been fine if it were not for your stupid crush on your fellow castmate. Mackie picked up on the fact that you liked Sebastian almost immediately & he teased you about it one too many times. No matter how obvious his teasing, it seemed like Sebastian was completely oblivious to it. Or he acted as if he had no clue. You were not quite sure about that.

The press tour was going strong, which meant that Seb, Mackie & you were teamed up for every interview. Now, that was not something that bothered you too much. After all, you were more than comfortable around them. But when some interviewers did not know where the line was, you got frustrated. Like, okay, we got it. Everyone with eyes knew Seb was hot. But as an interviewer, you should know when to stop. Shamelessly flirting in front of the camera with basically a stranger? Sorry, but you had no explanation for such a behavior. Yes, some interviewers flirted with you, too. But you were great when it came to brushing them off while staying polite. Of course, Mackie’s teasing did not make this any easier for you. Every now & then, he would bring up the chemistry you & Seb shared on screen. And off screen. Like usual, you laughed at him & so did Seb. During interviews, you teased each other a lot, it was a playful manner you all enjoyed. And the audience loved the three of you for it.

Sometimes, when Seb answered a question that had him explain scenes with you or something similar, you hated the butterflies you felt inside. You hated how your cheeks warmed up. You hated that he had such an effect on you. You hated Seb. You hated him for being so perfect. You hated him for being a literal God. You hated him for ruining every other man for you. Because nobody could ever compare to him. And you said that even though you were not even in a relationship. Hell, you were not the only person who looked at him that way. If the interviews were not proof enough, a look at social media did the job, too.

But I don't like a gold rush, gold rush

I don't like anticipating my face in a red flush

I don't like that anyone would die to feel your touch

Everybody wants you

Everybody wonders what it would be like to love you

Walk past, quick brush

I don't like slow motion double vision in rose blush

I don't like that falling feels like flying 'til the bone crush

Everybody wants you

But I don't like a gold rush

“So (Y/N)…” the man sitting opposite of you started. It was not a lot of times that questions were directed at you. Usually, people were more excited to talk to the guys. No offense taken. “The chemistry between Sebastian & you can be felt even after such a short trailer. My question is…are you two, like, a thing?” of course. If you got a question, it was about your love life or about how great you looked in your suit. The others got complex & well thought through questions & you got this shit. Internally rolling your eyes, you stayed professional & answered casually.

“Sebby & I are friends. We work well together. We know each other well enough to communicate with our eyes, body language & so on. Some people mistake that for dating, apparently.” finishing off with a sarcastic chuckle, you had to hide the fact that you wished that there was more between you two.

“I gotta say. Even I think they’re dating sometimes.” Mackie smirked when he spoke up which earned him a light slap from you. Seb only hid his face behind his hand & laughed quietly. It was nothing new. You were used to his teasing by now. Looking over at Seb, you could not help but admire him. Even when he was embarrassed, to you, he was the most beautiful person on this planet. Not a single flaw. Just…perfect. If only you had enough courage to do something about your damn feelings.

What must it be like to grow up that beautiful?

With your hair falling into place like dominoes

I see me padding across your wooden floors

With my Eagles t-shirt hanging from the door

“Stop that.” Mackie walked over to where you were sitting. Finally, you had a break after hours of giving interview after interview. Looking up, your face turned into one of pure confusion.

“Stop what?” he exaggeratedly rolled his eyes at your question.

“The daydreaming.” it was a simple statement. But why would he tell you to stop that?

“What? Is it forbidden to daydream now?” chuckling at him, you offered him one of your coffee cups. Your handler brought you two because you had not slept much that night. But Mackie needed one just as much & he gladly accepted it. Still, he could tell that you were trying to change the topic. Not with him, though. Sitting beside you, he sighed loudly.

“Why don’t you just tell him?” he looked straight forward when he asked that question. Your face fell at his words but maybe, maybe, if you played dumb, you could get out of this conversation without any awkwardness.

“Tell who what?” your innocent eyes bore into his side profile & you saw him shaking his head slightly. A low chuckle escaped him.

“Tell Seb you like him or I will.” he stated & your eyes widened in fear.

“You wouldn’t dream of it.” exclaiming frantically, you grew more nervous at the thought.

“I wouldn’t trust that thought.” & after a few seconds of silence, you breathed out loudly.

“Yeah, sure. And I’d risk our friendship for that? Forget it.”

“He likes you, too, you know?” he casually stated. Your face changed, but only for a second. He was wrong. Someone like Seb could never like you back.

“Stop, Mackie. Don’t just run around assuming shit.” you pushed his shoulder playfully but it did not do too much. What a surprise.

“My running around assuming shit isn’t assuming. It’s facts. You guys are awful, by the way. It’s exhausting, watching you two trying to dodge your feelings. Why can’t you just, I don’t know, get everything sorted out & be happy together? If someone deserves that, it’s you.” yes, Mackie could be sarcastic but when push came to shove, he could be serious, too. And that last part, he meant by heart. Was it true? Did Seb like you? More than a friend? Maybe you should just tell him. Life was too short to be filled with what if’s. It was now or never, right?

At dinner parties, I call you out on your contrarian shit

And the coastal town we wandered 'round had never seen a love as pure as it

And then it fades into the gray of my day-old tea

'Cause it could never be

Wrapping up for today, the three of you decided to grab some take-out & eat it back inside your hotel. After quickly showering & dressing more comfortably, you made your way over to Seb’s room. Mackie was already there, he texted you at least ten times to hurry up because they were starving to death. Dramatic diva. Knocking softly, a smile spread across your face when Seb opened the door. Stepping aside to let you in, you greeted Mackie briefly. He was already eating so why the hell was he rushing you earlier? He could be such a child. Seb handed you your food & motioned for you to take a seat on the bed. Take-out in a hotel bed? It should be illegal. Usually, you were not one for eating in bed but whenever you where staying at a hotel, it became some sort of a routine for you. Same for the guys. For a while, the three of you just talked & ate your food. Conversation always flowed easily with them. You knew all of their secrets & they knew all of yours. Well, except for Seb having no clue about your silly crush on him. When he & Mackie discussed a topic you did not know too much about to actually engage in their conversation, you found yourself stealing glances at Seb. If it were not enough for him to be so gorgeous, of course he had the best personality to match that. God really took his time with him. And the weirdest thing of it all was that Seb never let that thought get the best of him. He was aware of people admiring him but that never changed him.

'Cause I don't like a gold rush, gold rush

I don't like anticipating my face in a red flush

I don't like that anyone would die to feel your touch

Everybody wants you

Everybody wonders what it would be like to love you

Walk past, quick brush

I don't like slow motion double vision in rose blush

I don't like that falling feels like flying 'til the bone crush

Everybody wants you

But I don't like a gold rush

Mackie got a phone call & said goodbye to you before leaving the room. Which meant that Seb & you were alone. It was nothing special, the two of you spent a lot of time together. This time, though, you wanted to confess to him. Finally, you wanted to tell him how you felt. Could you live with the rejection? Well, if things turned in that direction, you had no choice but to. Seb’s lips moved but no sound came out. You zoned out & simply stared at him. Your thoughts were running wild. The sun had already started setting & the golden light illuminated his features in such a beautiful way. It almost looked like a movie scene. He was the masterpiece others could not keep their eyes from. You were this close to speaking up, taking a deep breath for preparation. This could change your bond with him forever.

What must it be like to grow up that beautiful?

With your hair falling into place like dominoes

My mind turns your life into folklore

I can't dare to dream about you anymore

A phone ringing interrupted you. It was not yours. But Seb pulled his phone out of his pocket. The moment he saw the notification, he started smiling so brightly. The smile you had grown to love so much. It brought a grin to your face, too. The things this man could do to you, completely unaware of the effect he had on you.

“What?” you asked when he could not stop staring at his phone. Had Mackie sent him a message?

“Nothing, it’s just…” he stopped before saying too much but you were having none of it.

“Aw, come on, Sebby. You can tell me anything.” encouraging him, your hand found its way on his shoulder, squeezing lightly. Seb seemed almost shy right now. And this was weird because he usually was everything but shy when he talked to you.

“There’s this girl & she’s just…amazing.” your face fell the moment he started talking. No. “I asked her for dinner but when she hadn’t replied after hours, I started losing hope. She just messaged me back.” his smile was sheepish & you hated that you had to admit that he looked happy right now. Genuinely happy. But you were not the reason of his happiness. Another girl was.

“And? What did she say?” deep down, you knew the answer & you actually did not want him to say it out loud. But you were best friends, after all, it was kind of your duty.

“I got myself a date. I’m going on a date with her, (Y/N)!” he beamed & pulled you into a big hug. One, that made the butterflies act out. Fuck, that hurt.

“That’s great, Sebby. I’m happy for you! You deserve it.” your excitement for him was fake but the sincerity behind your last words were not. If one person on this planet deserved endless love & happiness, it was him. Mackie was wrong. Seb had never liked you. Not in that way, at least. And his date saved you from embarrassing yourself & ruining your friendship. That did not change the fact that you felt like crying right now. You could not shed tears in front of him, could not show how much it actually affected you. No. You had to fake a smile. And that shit hurt like a bitch.

At dinner parties I won't call you out on your contrarian shit

And the coastal town we never found will never see a love as pure as it

'Cause it fades into the gray of my day-old tea

'Cause it will never be

“Something’s wrong with you.” Mackie stated at breakfast. No shit, Sherlock.

“What makes you think that?” feigning innocence, you rolled your eyes when you saw the look he was giving you.

“Clearly, you’re upset. Did something happen after I left you with Seb yesterday?” he hit the nail on the head with his assumption.

“Yeah.” was all you answered. His eyebrows raised, he waited for you to continue. But when he noticed that you were not planning on engaging in any more conversation with him, he pressed further.

“Did you tell him? Did he mess up?” if Seb messed up, he would kill him. There was no other person who was better for him than you. The two of you deserved each other. And everyone seemed to realize that but you.

“I wanted to tell him.” admitting quietly.

“But?”

“He got a notification.” your short answers made Mackie freak out. He grew frustrated with you when you dragged out this entire conversation.

“(Y/N), come on.” he urged.

“Sebby has a date.”

“With you? But that’s great.” his smile was small but present. Did you finally realize that you were feeling so much more for each other?

“With another girl.” then you looked up at his face, your eyes glossy. Clearly, you were trying to keep it together but he could tell that you had a hard time doing so. Yes, Mackie would kill Seb. He could have sworn that Seb only had eyes for you. The stolen glances, the efforts to make time to spend more with you. What the fuck was going on? When he saw your first tear falling, he wasted no time in pulling you in for a hug. You were broken, all because of one man. But the thing was that he was not just any man. He was Seb. Your best friend. Your everything. But he would never be yours. Not in a million years. Because he only saw you as a friend. Nothing more, nothing less.

It was not like you did not have options. Hell, you declined so many people over the time. All because of him. And you were afraid that this would not change anytime soon. Because you did not think you would ever get over him. Your heart was ripped into a million pieces & the only person who could help you fix it was getting excited over his upcoming date. Whatever you thought could be between you guys, it was nothing but a dream. Something that could never be.

Gleaming, twinkling

Eyes like sinking ships on waters

So inviting, I almost jump in

Gold Rush [1] / You’re Not Sorry [2] / This Is Me Trying [3] / [4] (soon)

Published (04/22/2021) by Cathy

Tags: @buckysleftarm420 (thanks for your support <3)

[missbrunettebarbie]

All the Barbie protagonists I know -from best to worst

I feel like starting with a disclaimer that this is just my opinion, which should be implied. Anyway, this list took forever because I kept switching them. Look I am bad at picking favourites. The top 3 is actually pretty interchangable.

1. Eden Starling (Barbie in a Christmas Carol) - I love her with all my heart and then some. I love her design, her backstory, her personality, how unique she is from every other Barbie on the list. (Whoever came up with Barbie as Scrroge is a genius that deserves an Oscar) The fact that I relate to her in some aspects makes her even more loveable in my eyes. Also I think she deserves #1 spot because out of all the characters on this list she's the one I sorted before even rewatching her movie -and the rewatch confirmed the sorting. She's that memorable!

2. Princess Annika (Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus) - I love her too: her determination,her cleverness, her bravery, her justified anger. The "Destroy Wenlock!" speech alone guaranteed her a place in top 3. The fact that she doesn't back down even in the face of impossible odds - or maybe especially because the odds are impossible, her relationship with Aiden and with Brietta and her passion for ice-skating make her a very interesting character. Annika is a powerhouse and her entire journey is *chef's kiss*.

3. Merliah Summers (Barbie in a Mermaid Tale 1&2) - I think what I love about Merliah is that she put herself first, in both movies. Her first priority was her career as a surfer and only later did she come to accept her role as a mermaid princess. Her relationship with her mother is also great, I love them when they get along and I also love them when they don't - probably my favourite mother-daughter relationship from all the Barbie movies. Merliah's initial skepticism, her putside the box thinking and her competitive streak are delightful. Also her and Kylie might my favourite ship in the Barbieverse.

4. Blair Willows (Barbie Princess Charm School) - A Barbie with actual money problems?! Of course I was soft for Blair from the very begining. Her dedication and love to her adoptive family made her an instant fave. I loved that once Dean Privet helped her with her lessons she did her damn best to graduate from the school. She had her clothes torn, was accused of theft and looked in a safe, yet nothing stopped her.

5. Mariposa (Barbie: Mariposa) - I always had a soft spot for her as a kid. Her desire for adventure -for escape- the way she felt like she didn't quite fit in, her love for books, the somehow-anti-social attitude made her a perfectly relatable character in little!me's eyes. The way she refused to believe the rumors and the stereotypes in the second movie makes her even better. I loved her friendship with Catania and her romance with Carlos was cute too. Also her design might be my second favourite after Eden's.

6. Ro/Princess Rosella (Barbie as The Island Princess) - This movie is a goddamn masterpiece and Ro is a huge part of why. First I cannot help but be impressed by how adaptable she is: not only did she survive on a deserted island for ten years, she thrived. And then she had the courage to leave the only home she knew to go with Antonio and find answers about who she is. My heart ')). Then there is the fact that she risled her own freedom to help save the animals or how she was ready to step back and let Antonio do his duty and marry Luciana despite the fact that she loved him. And the ending wjere she finds her mother and starts singing the lullaby? It is what had cemented my love for this film and this character.

7. Corrine (Barbie in the three Musketeers) - In a lot of ways I find her and Merliah very similar -they both have goals they want to achieve and are somehow selfish because of it in the begining- but I think Corrine is a much kinder person: remember when she got that violin bow for one of the girls as a way to apologize? It felt like such a character establishing moment. I love that she took no shit for anyone, even the prince, and never faltered for one second in her desire to be a musketeer.

8. Princess Genevieve (Barbie in the 12 Dancing Princesses) - In a lot of ways she reminds me of Blair as she's a quieter personality but forceful in her own way. The way she always stood up for her younger sisters, her love for dancing, her relationship with her father and the fact that she was so heart-eyes when it came to Derek -seriously I don't think any other Babrie was so smitten with her LI from the very first moment- made sure she'll have a place in top 10. The only reason why she's not higher is because I love the others more.

9. Princess Annelisse (Barbie as Princess and the Pauper) - I think my favourite thing about Annelisse is that she completely understood her duties as a princess and was ready to sacrifice her personal happiness for her people. I also really like how she never shied from using her royal status- even if it didn't really work- or how she still tried to help the other taylor with the work when she was thought to be Erica, pity she had zero skill. Her relationship with her mom is my second favourite after Merliah-Calissa. Also collecting rocks is such an unique hobby AND she's a cat girl. Of course I love her.

10. Erika (Barbie as Princess and the Pauper) - Another cat girl! And so snippy and unafraid to be herself. Her dynamic with Annelisse is gold: Erika had all the reasons to despise Annelisse but instead clearly ~bonded with her from the very first moment and went along with an insane plan just to help her. Not to mention, she's the first Barbie who explicitly said "I am gonna fulfill my dreams and have the guy I love; what's this nonsense about choosing only one?" and I have to appreciate her for it.

11. Rapunzel (Barbie as Rapunzel) - The fact alone that she is best friends with a dragon gives her major points in my books. Her love of painting and the way she used it as a literal way of escape? Go, girl! The fact that she refused to let Stefan tell her his name just to make sure Gothel won't find out? Impressive and so spiteful! And the disgust in her voice when she realized Gothel had kept her prisoner for years because her father hadn't married her? Perfect.

12. Kristyn Farraday (Barbie in the Pink Shoes) - I really liked her enthusiasm for getting to actually be the characters she didn't even get to dance in the real world, the way her mind immediately internalized the rules of the fairytale-esque world despite how insane it was and how she refused to conform to the rules. I see the movie as an exploration of Kristyn's creepling fear of failure and the pressure she felt as a proffesional ballet dancer and seeing her come out triumphant on her own terms felt really good.

13. Actress!Barbie (Fashion Fairytale and Fairy Secret) - Probably the most three-dimensional of the "real" Barbies. I think what I like most at her is her determination to save Ken in the second movie. What can I say, I love a Barbie-in-shining-armour. I also like that she knew when to step back and let others do their jobs - in fact she doesn't so much in the first movie, just motivates people. If I had to pick a Barbie to have as a friend, I think she'll be my first choice. She seems like a good listener and someone who knows how to solve problems.

14. Elina (Barbie: Fairytopia 1&2&3) - She is an interesting character and one whose stories I do like, but something never clicked for me when it comes to Elina. Buut, this doesn't mean I don't appreciate her desire to save everyone or how she never drowned in self-pity when she was the only fairy without wings.

15. Clara (Barbie in the Nutcracker)- Clara doesn't get the chance to do much, but I love the glimpses of her intelligence we see (how she figured out the Nutcracker is Eric) or how she longs for adventure and excitment.

16. Thumbelina (Barbie present Thumbelina) - I like that she's an inventor and that she is ready to use Mackena to save her home, but overall I found her unimpressive.

17. Liana (Barbie and the Diamond Castle) - I always had a grudge on her as a child on Alexa's behalf. I always felt like Liana dragged her down. This being said, Liana is still a super smart cookie and very devoted to her friends so she avoids being even lower on the list.

18. Princess Lumina (Barbie: Pearl Princess) - The most memorable things about her are how she loooved having a job and how she refused to condemn the woman that may have raised her but had also kidnapped her from her family. Now both these traits should make her an intriguing character, unfortunately the movie is pretty boring and it never taps into Lumina's potential.

19. Princess Alexa (Barbie and the Secret Door) - Look I relate to her: Lover of books? Check. Desire to escape your life full of rules? Check. Not good with people? Check. But Alexa's development was so weird, the movie was very boring and felt like it had no trajectory and it affected the protagonist a lot.

20. Odette (Barbie in Swan Lake) - She just...doesn't do much. I wish we have seen her more involved in her own story. Not to mention I really didn't understand why she was so afraid of being in the spotlight or how being turned into a swan helped her get over it.

21. Starlight!Barbie (Barbie: Star Light Adventures) - I think my opinion of her -and the whole movie- can be summed up in the world "meh". There is simply no spark of life here.

22. Teen!Barbie (Barbie Diaries) - I have such an overwhelming repulsion towards "unpopular" girls wanting the be popular. Especially since I cannot see what exactly is holding Babrie back from being happy? She seems to have everything (great friends, nice life, good grades and music talent!), but doesn't care about any of it. Not to mention, she's the only Barbie who has to settle for a guy that was pining for her while she only saw him as a friend and I resent that.

[jayjaysocks]

Listing my favorite animes (because I’m jumping on the bandwagon)

❗️⚠️ *spoilers!! (Duh)* ❗️⚠️

5. Deadman Wonderland

I was really really sad when I found out this anime got cancelled. The music was fantastic, the animation was really good, and the voice acting was incredible. Even the fucking dubbed version (I loved the voice they chose for Senji. God he was hilarious). I binged this show so fucking fast it wasn’t even funny. I loved watching the characters go through their own struggles and grow as people in the very small amount of episodes provided. There was a lot of development within the snippet that we actually saw, and I was thoroughly impressed with how well it was done. I wanted to scream or something when I found out there wouldn’t be a second season.

Sigh. Oh well. At least we got some of the manga’s masterpiece translated into a show, even if we were missing some fucking awesome characters.

4. Guilty Crown

Ugh, don’t even get me started. This anime was beautiful and I got so invested so freaking quickly. I literally go back every few years to rewatch it because I get ship starved.

Shu and Inori’s story was so beautifully done; between Shu uncovering his courage and Inori’s journey of self-discovery, I was continuously awe-struck and filled with feelings—I mean, I had never felt such raw emotion while watching something and I was completely blown away by the affect it had on me. Anger, hatred, sadness, it was all there (even for the main character lmao) and it was one of the first times I had ever felt a ship so heavily that I literally cried at the end. It was one of the very first Animes I’d ever seen and was one of the reasons I got such a taste for them. Thanks for throwing me down that rabbit hole, GC.

3. Soul Eater

This was literally the first Anime I’d ever seen, and my god I couldn’t have asked for a better starter. What I like about this one is that it’s style is so unique and different. It’s very punk and grunge, something I admired and appreciated in a genre that is normally the opposite (like Guilty Crown, for example). Also the fight scenes were badass, like holy shit just look at that gif ??? Freaking amazing.

I loved the way the show transitioned from light hearted to intense and adrenaline pumping so effortlessly. That can be said about a lot of shows, but this one went from *haha cute show* to *holy shit, like they’re actually gonna die ohmygod howaretheygoingtosurvivethis* so smoothly I was genuinely surprised. They made one of the main villains actually cool and each character had their own beautifully done arc. I loved and adored how the show solidified and expanded on the different friendships/relationships that were involved—specifically Soul and Maka’s (also, holy shit, Stein’s arc? Fucking prime, dude). There was a lot of growth in each and every friendship (CRONA!!!), and that really pushed the viewer to invest in the individual characters.

I am fucking delighted that this was my first anime, and (though the ending was a little anticlimactic) it remains one of my top favorites to this day. It set the bar pretty fucking high, and for that I am extremely greatful.

No one asked for Soul Eater: Not! It is the unspoken sin of the Soul Eater world (then again, it is called Soul Eater: Not!)

2. Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood

If you have been following me for a while, then you are no stranger to my love of FMAB. Some of my most popular posts are about this anime, and for good reason.

Unfortunately, I was late to the party. I actually didn’t watch this until last year, but got invested really damn quick. I have a tendency to be extremely picky about the animes that I watch/like (which is why NONE of these shows are that recent), to the point that I will literally research them before I start watching (a bad habit, do not copy me). I have an incomparably hard time finishing a show when I start, because I get bored really quickly, but this was an exception. I started watching and I just... didn’t stop. I spent a straight week watching FMAB, gobbling it up during any small amount free time I could manage, and finished it before I even knew what happened. I wasn’t picky about it, I didn’t research it, I just dove right in and gosh, I was not disappointed.

The subtle romance that was alluded throughout the entire show was super cute, the devotion the brothers had for each other was to die for, and the struggles that each person went through was more than moving. I never once found myself bored while watching, and that’s saying a lot for my adhd ass. I was invested in each and every second of that damn anime and I was never, ever left underwhelmed. That probably had to do with the fact that every. Single. Character. Had a purpose. I’m not even kidding. Every single person contributed to the big fight at the end and that alone is fucking fantastic.

Not to mention ALL the women, every female character, was a badass bitch. None of them were reduced to sex appeal or romantic subplot, they all had real feelings, real arcs and real, unadulterated badassery that I thoroughly admired and appreciated. I could watch this anime over and over again every single month and I wouldn’t get bored. Between the emotional struggle, self discovery, and personal development of each character, I promise you will not see a lack of plot or meaning here. The more you watch, the more you discover and that is not a lie. There are so many layers to its story, which only makes me wish I had watched this sooner.

There is nothing I have to offer in the ways of criticism, and for that I couldn’t be happier. Thank you, Hiromu Arakawa, for such an incredible piece of art. You deserve every bit of love that this manga/anime gets. You go girl.

1. Cowboy Bepop

Holy shit holy shit holy shit this anime is so fucking good and it has been my favorite for so damn long. I have been watching anime for years, and while some of the shows in my list have moved around, this one has yet to be bumped down from the top (and I doubt it ever will). There’s a reason it became such a cult classic.

For starters, the animation. I mean, just look at Spike and the way they animate his fighting (yes I am aware that this gif is from the movie, but that still doesn’t change my point). The sequences in the show/film have been reused in many other shows and for good reason. It’s good, incredible, actually and they make him look so badass with just a few hand movements. I was consistently impressed with the way the fight scenes were portrayed and wasn’t ever left underwhelmed or disappointed (or, for that matter, feeling like they completely over exaggerated/overcompensated the scene with huge close-ups and tons of debris and lights). I loved watching this and my heart was always pounding with every intense interaction. I didn’t feel bored during any of the episodes and always found myself laughing when they cracked a joke—pretty much all of their funny lines hit and that’s saying something, dude.

The show, while having a lighthearted surface, has a heavy meaning that you don’t see at first glance. It’s about dealing with grief and loss, and how the characters themselves accomplished that in different ways. The most prominent quote is the biggest indication of its moral “you’re gonna carry that weight”. Basically: ‘You’ve gotta pick up your baggage, because the world moves on, with or without you’. Or ‘You’re going to carry that weight whether you like it or not, because life keeps going’. When I figured out the show’s actual message, while staring at my ceiling in the long hours of the night, I almost cried. This realization brought something entirely different to the table, a new understanding of the show’s characters and overall essence.

The main characters, all of them, had depth. They had real, palpable depth, and even if you didn’t want to care you found yourself seriously interested in their lives. Each of them had relatively shitty pasts. Faye with her lost memories, Spike with Julia and the people who fucked him over, Jet with his old flame and the ISSP, Ed and her/his father... throughout the entire show we got to see how all of them dealt with these things, whether they wanted to continue on with life or not. The way they portrayed it was engaging, because the characters individual, contrasting journeys weren’t repetitive or one note. The beauty that the show holds so achinging close to its core, the layers of grief that the characters are wrapped in so delicately is almost suffocatingly real—because they’re all different. It’s something you discover when you think on the subject in a deeper light, which is another reason why I enjoy it so much. It has both a surface story and a deeper one. You can either take the show at face value or choose to understand the underlying moral.

This show inspired my very first, thoroughly fleshed out OC, and continues to inspire me to this day. It has contributed to my own personal growth, and has helped push me to continue my art and writing. It is beautifully written, beautifully executed and even though some of the episodes seem like filler, it has never disappointed me. I rewatch it all the time because there’s something so infinitely refreshing about the beauty of this anime, whether it be the way we watch the characters develop or the overall moral it portrays. This show has given us a message that is essentially timeless, it can be ‘carried’ through generation after generation, and still have the same impact—something I absolutely fucking adore.

I owe so much to this anime, including my very own artistic development. I discovered it during a really shitty time in my life and I couldn’t have asked for better timing. I will never tire of the bittersweet message or the thoroughly fucking fantastic animation. Everyone who contributed to this masterpiece deserves love, because it’s seriously fucking gold.

[dazais-guardian-angel]

Hi! Since you seem to be into a lot of different stuff can you share anime recommendations? If you have any. Have a lovely day!! You seem like such a sweet person

What 🥺🥺🥺 a-awww, thank you so much anon!! That’s so kind of you to say... I’m just a nut crying feels into the void over my obscure faves over here, without a consistent one fandom anymore a;lksfklkfg though I guess now it’s just egg, but thank you! ❤️ I have a lot of anime recommendations I can give, but I don’t know what exactly you’re into, or if you’re looking for anything in particular...? But I can definitely list some!

The big popular ones you probably already know about are My Hero Academia and Attack on Titan, I’ll get those out of the way first. I have my gripes with MHA and it has a lot of flaws that can’t be ignored, but overall it’s a really fun and high-energy and uplifting shounen series that has some really beautiful messages and moments, with a wonderful and touching main duo of main characters, and amazing animation and music; it’s as popular as it is for a reason, it’s just such a feel-good show and I’d always recommend it, even if I do complain about it sometimes haha. Attack on Titan on the other hand, I know hyperbole like this is like ugh really, but I really do mean it when I say it is an absolute masterpiece in the making; the first season feels very run-of-the-mill, typical shounen, which I wasn’t a big fan of like everyone else was at the peak of its initial hype years ago, but the show changes and evolves so much, beyond what you could ever imagine, honestly, and now by this point, when it’s almost at its end (the manga is literally ending a week from today), I can almost definitively say it’s one of the best anime out there. Everything in it is foreshadowed from the very first episode, the puzzle and mysteries unfold so masterfully and it all ties together so well, the story’s themes and the characters are all amazing, the music is GODLY and so is the animation, it’s just perfect, please please everyone watch AoT.

Bungou Stray Dogs is also pretty popular, and is one of my personal favorite animanga of all time; it’s a mystery/supernatural action semi-steampunk series with a huge focus on the characters and some AMAZING found family dynamics, seriously if you want found family for the love of god watch BSD, I love all these characters and their relationships so so much. Season 3 isn’t as good an adaptation of the manga, sadly, but the first two seasons and especially season 2 are absolutely amazing, and I would recommend the manga in a heartbeat as well. Noragami I adore for much of the same reasons, with the besttt found family dynamics and a really great balance between comedy and drama, though with Noragami in particular I would for sure stress to read the manga afterward, because the anime falls short near the end of season 2 and leaves so much unfinished, and the manga is absolutely phenomenal, one that like the rest of these will probably always remain in my top ten manga.

If you like shoujo, Akatsuki no Yona is my favorite shoujo of all time, with - once - again, wonderful found familyyy in a historical setting, really lovely slow progression of character development, and some fantastic action and music. The anime leaves so much unanswered and unfinished so the manga is an absolute must here, but I still just have to mention it because the anime is just so damn good in adapting what it covers, especially combined with the OVAs still waiting for that season 2 *cries*.

Assassination Classroom is a comedy/drama(??) shounen that ended a few years ago; it’s VERY funny and entertaining to watch, with an almost seamless transition into high emotional beats that left me speechless at how invested in and attached I suddenly was, and the ending, I’m not exaggerating, made me cry harder than literally anything else I have ever watched in my life, it is that devastating. Highly highly recommend AssClass yes that’s the nickname, I love it so so much, but be prepared to have your feels hit by a truck.

Free! is a really good sports anime with really great characters, and yes I am saying this completely unironically, I highly recommend Free’s first two seasons; just please for the love of god pretend season 3 does not exist. Run With the Wind is my other favorite sports anime that is CRIMINALLY UNDERRATED, it’s so motivational and uplifting and all the characters are so damn nice and endearing, and it has a fantastic score by the same composer as MHA and Haikyuu’s osts; EVERYONE WATCH RWTW IT IS SO SO GOOD.

Made in Abyss is another anime that is likely to never fully conclude the manga’s story, but the one season and movie that we do have is an absolute animated masterpiece in every imaginable way, so I would be remiss if I didn’t recommend it; it’s haunting and beautiful and very hard to watch at times, but so so worth it. Princess Tutu is, to me, the best magical girl anime of all time, dark beautiful fantasy with a wonderful four main characters and one of my favorite “villain” redemption arcs ever, not to mention one of the best enemies-to-lovers story arc I’ve ever seen. Of course my other favorite magical girl anime is the much-loved Puella Magi Madoka Magica, that is also dark but not without a purpose, twelve tightly-written episodes that wrap up perfectly by the end, with not a single minute wasted.

Poco’s Udon World is my favorite fluffy slice of life show; it’s also criminally underrated and SO sweet, it makes me cry every time I watch it with how goddamn precious it is, and I so wish more people knew about it. No.6 is a great short bl romance/sci-fi anime, and Romeo x Juliet is one of my favorite older romance anime, based on... well, the title is self-explanatory.

Mystery is my favorite genre in any media, so I have a lot of these haha. Gankutsuou is a supernatural mystery/drama/suspense/thriller based off the famous novel The Count of Monte Cristo, and it still remains one of my favorite anime of all time; the tension builds so WELL with each and every episode, the story is so gripping and so so tragic, and it always makes me cry by the last few episodes; a very underrated gem (also it has one of the most unique animation styles I’ve ever seen). Gosick is another mystery anime I adore, though it’s more of a slow-burn romance with some episodic mysteries before diving into an overarching plot; it’s actually what I tell people is my #1 favorite anime, just because the Victorian aesthetic is so me, but it’s so unknown that I never really get a chance to talk about it, haha. Mawaru Penguindrum is a mystery/drama/comedy anime that is extremely bizarre and philosophical, it’s honestly impossible to explain without just seeing it yourself alkfglalksdk, but it has a lot of family feels and is extremely touching and satisfying by the end despite all the weirdness, at least to me, so I always try to recommend it, though it won’t be everyone’s cup of tea. Erased is another fantastic short mystery/drama/suspense thriller, with some really moving moments and wonderful atmosphere and tension; the ending falls a little flat, but that doesn’t ruin how amazing the rest of it is (and I’d also recommend the live-action Netflix version, which has the proper ending from the manga). And I guess I’ll throw in Moriarty the Patriot too when it comes to mystery/crime thriller anime, which I’m still currently watching and is still ongoing, but I absolutely LOVE it so far, more people should be watching and reading it.

I have a lot more I could list too, to be honest 😅 I just pulled some of my favorites from the list on my About page ahaha, and a range of popular known ones to more obscure underrated ones. But I hope some of these suit your fancy, anon, sorry I tend to ramble ALKSDFKLFLSKDF I just wanted to be thorough since I didn’t know if you were after a particular genre or not! I hope you have a lovely day too! ❤️

[bybdolan]

Rating all the songs from “Across The Universe” (2007)

Girl (7/10) – A fun intro! Nothing too special, but it’s a bit mysterious and Jim Sturgess is looking directly into my soul, so it definitely draws you into the story. The mashup with Helter Skelter plus the whole protests/wave thing is veeeery dramatic, I dig that.

Hold Me Tight (7.5/10) – A cute lil’ dance scene, some sweet character introduction that immediately highlights Jude’s and Lucy’s different lifestyles… We love to see it! Also: The casting directors really found the most American looking guy ever to play Lucy’s boyfriend (I just assume he doesn’t have a name), huh? That’s talent.

All My Loving (8/10) – It’s one of my favorite Beatles songs, so I am biased, BUT Jim Sturgess really sells it and I love the scene that goes along with it. Him singing it to her in the alleyway feels very genuine and organic. (Side note: Jude you are a fookin’ bastard for cheating on Molly, gee.)

I Want To Hold Your Hand (9.5/10) – Incredible. Showstopping. Revolutionary. Ten times better than the Beatles’ version. Seeing this song from a gay perspective makes it so much deeper… She’s just asking to hold her hand… Wanting the simple things because maybe they can get away with doing that…. Maybe people won’t talk because girls holding hands could just be good friends…. The yearning of it all!!!!! The tenderness!!!! When I first saw that scene and the camera stayed on the girl as the guy was walking away and Prudence kept singing… Cultural reset. Only reason this isn’t a 10 is because this movie has even better scenes! (On a side note: It is hilarious that the school’s team is called Wildcats.)

With A Little Help From My Friends (8/10) – Boys being boys! Dudes bein’ guys, guys bein’ dudes. It’s a fun scene and a fun version of the song. All that’s left to ask is: DO YOU NEEEEEED ANYBOOODAAHHHYYYY? (Side note: Max Carrigan… Sir…. Spare hand in marriage?)

It Won’t Be Long (6.5/10) – Not gonna lie… I have no idea what purpose this scene serves. We never see Lucy’s boyfriend actually meeting her. However, I am not mad to hear Evan Rachel Wood perform this absolute banger, so I’ll take it. The school scenes are fun, I guess. It’s also one of the few times we see the other Carrigan sisters, who disappear for the rest of the movie. Maybe they also got drafted. Or they died. Who knows. They aren’t even there for Thanksgiving. Where did they go.

I’ve Just Seen A Face (9/10) – I don’t care if it is basic or simple… This song is instant serotonin and the bowling scene is so! Much! FUN!!! The chemistry between Max, Lucy and Jude is amazing… I love my dumb children.

Let It Be (12/10) – The full score doesn’t even cut it for this masterpiece. You thought the Beatles’ version was moving? Watch this damn scene. I can’t even think about it without getting emotional. If you don’t believe in a higher power, you will after hearing this song. The acting of both of the mothers is also spot on; when the mother of Lucy’s boyfriend clutches the flag and just breaks down? That kills me. Julie Taymor saying that she wanted the scene to make us empathetic for what’s going on in the world instead of apathic after becoming desensitized from all the violence we see on the news every day makes it much more impactful. I’ll stop talking now. I can’t handle it. EGOT!

Come Together (9.5/10) – It’s fucking Joe Cocker singing Come Together. The musical arrangement is LIT as fuck and the choreography is *chef’s kiss*. Shout out to the hooker girls! You are Queens! Only reason this isn’t a 10/10 is that pimp!Joe Cocker creeps me out. What’s up with that beard?

Why Don’t We Do It In The Road (7./10) – We don’t hear much of the song since Jude and Lucy are talking so much, but Sadie is amazing. Her voice is great. She’s gorgeous. Sadie sexy. I’m gay for Sadie. That’s it that’s the review.

If I Fell (8.5/10) – Evan Rachel Wood I have feelings for you.

I Want You (She’s So Heavy) (11/10) – This is THE scene, okay??? You may argue that the symbolism is a bit too on the nose, but it fits this very imagery-heavy movie perfectly. *Childish Gambino voice* This is America. You can tell that the writers of the movie thought long and hard about what to do with each and every song and it truly pays off in this scene. It is scary, it is weird, it is stunning. It is… Dare I say… Perfect.

Dear Prudence (9/10) – Prudence literally being in the closet… Iconic. This song makes me feel like I am floating. It’s so soft yet euphoric. Love the protest scene, too. Really captures the spirit of the time. (I say as if I was already born.)

I Am The Walrus (8/10) – I want to rate this lower because the whole LSD ordeal serves no purpose whatsoever and doesn’t drive the story further, but… Bono kills it :/ It’s a banger. Sorry Beatles, but Bono is the REAL walrus. There’s no competition.

For The Benefit Of Mr. Kite (3/10) – What’s the point??? Why is this scene in the movie? I guess they all had fun making it, but sorry Miss Taymor, cool set design doesn’t make a good scene. The blue guys are cool though. And Prudence got herself a gf!!! Good for her.

Because (8/10) – Deep sigh… It’s just a very good song. And the transition that shows Max has been shipped away is amazing.

Something (8.5/10) – Greatest love song ever written, blah blah. What can I say. Again: Mr. Sturgess kills this performance. He has the perfect voice for the song.

Oh! Darling (8.5/10) – My parents Sadie and Jojo are going though a tough spot, but they are kind enough to turn their anger and sexual frustration into a show that we can enjoy. And oh boy, we DO enjoy it. Their voices work together so well and the eMoTiOnS!!! Splendid. Good job, guys. Now please make up :( You love each other, after all.

Strawberry Fields Forever (10/10) – I’m spiraling. This song and this scene is god tier. It is beautiful and heartbreaking and simply gorgeous. Just… Wow.

Revolution (8/10) – Jude you are a little bitch but this song slaps. Next!

While My Guitar Gently Weeps (9/10) – Jojo’s voice… Heavenly. Just a damn good version of this song. Bonus points for the Freewheelin’ Bob Dylan vibes near the end of the scene when Jojo and Jude are walking down the streets.

Across The Universe (10/10) – This movie is cranking it up near the end, damn. This is just beautiful. Plain as that. The scene of Jude seeing Lucy and himself from the past in the subway driving past evokes feelings in me that I can’t explain.

Helter Skelter (9/10) – BANGER! Better than the original; Paul McCartney wishes he had what Dana Fuchs has. Works incredibly well with the riot scene.

Happiness Is A Warm Gun (10/10) – INCREDIBLE! Julie Taymor managed to make this song makes sense, wow. Joe Anderson’s delivery is incredible, and the hospital scene is really creepy but in a very very good way. Bonus points for Salma Hayek.

Black Bird (7/10) – I’m always too focused being sad about Max to pay attention, sorry. But it’s Evan Rachel Wood softly singing a ballad. What more do you want?

Hey Jude (9.5/10) – THIS SONG! MAX AND JUDE! T H E Y! All friendship is romantic, bitch!!! I can’t properly express my emotions but let it be known that I cry at the first note of this song. Hey Jude……

Don’t Let Me Down (7.5/10) – My parents are back together :) And they sound great!

All You Need Is Love (10/10) – Get your tissues ready. We’ve reached the end and it is flawless (just like the rest of this movie – except the LSD scenes). You probably will cry of happiness. Love truly is all you need.

Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds (7/10) – A solid banger to finish it all off. Gives you time to wipe your tears away and get carried away on the waves of funky Beatles songs.

[nitrateglow]

Favorite film discoveries of 2019

Every year, my new-to-me favorites list always shocks me in some way. This year, the sheer amount of movies made in the 2010s on display is INSANE by my standards. Of course, most of the modern movies here are throwbacks or tributes to older styles of cinema, so maybe it’s not that shocking in the long run.

Another running trend this year: movies that are old but not as dated as we would wish. Many of the older films here deal with xenophobia and political strife in ways that still feel shockingly prescient today-- the more things change...

ONCE UPON A TIME... IN HOLLYWOOD (DIR. QUENTIN TARANTINO, 2019)

I never thought the day would come where my favorite movie of the year would actually be made after the 1970s, let alone by Quentin Tarantino. Then again, this movie is all about the end of Old Hollywood as well as a big love letter to the 1960s, so maybe it’s not that shocking a state of affairs. I adored this movie, the level of detail, the laidback yet elegaic vibe, the comedy and the relationships between all the characters. It was one of those movies where I loved even the scenes where nothing seems to be happening at all-- I mean, who knew Brad Pitt feeding his dog and watching TV could be entertaining?? But it is and I can't wait to see this one again!

INTENTIONS OF MURDER (DIR. SHOHEI IMAMURA, 1964)

Intentions of Murder has an insane premise, one that runs the risk of being tasteless: a housewife in a miserable, exploitative marriage is raped by a sickly burglar during a home invasion. Even worse, she can’t shake him, as he’s suddenly infatuated and wants her to run away with him to the city. And weirder still: her current existence is so miserable that she’s TEMPTED. While abuse and rape are grim subjects for any story, Intentions is actually about a woman coming into her own and finally standing strong against all these men trying to use her. It’s a weird blend of drama and dark comedy, a truly savage satire on patriarchy and class-snobbery.

JOKER (DIR. TODD PHILLIPS, 2019)

I went into this movie expecting to think it was overhyped and when I first left the theater, I was all ready to say “it’s good but not THAT good.” But it ended up haunting me for weeks afterward, and I found myself thinking about how everything just tied up so well together, from the grotty urban hellscape which serves as the setting to Phoenix’s brilliant performance. It reminded me a lot of A Clockwork Orange in how intimate it lets you get to this violent man while never pretending he is someone to be glamorized or imitated.

SIMON (DIR. MARSHALL BRICKMAN, 1980)

How do I even describe Simon? Alan Arkin is brainwashed by a group of overpaid intellectuals into believing he is descended from an alien toaster. Then he gets a messiah complex and starts gathering disciples as he rails against television, condiment packets, and muzak. It’s a little uneven at times, sure, but the satire is really inspired. The whole thing is like a combination of Mel Brooks, Stanley Kubrick, and Woody Allen’s styles, and it is quite hilarious for those who thrive on cult oddities.

PEEPING TOM (DIR. MICHAEL POWELL, 1960)

Though it came out the same year as Hitchcock’s Psycho and has been nearly as influential for horror cinema, Peeping Tom remains underseen by everyone save for film theorists. And what a shame that is, because this movie is more frightening than Psycho. Sure, that may be because Psycho is so predominant in popular culture and just so influential that it no longer has the same shock value, but there’s something about Peeping Tom that gets under my skin, something sad, even disgusting. I felt dirty after watching it-- and this is 2019!

MIDNIGHT MARY (DIR. WILLIAM WELLMAN, 1933)

Loretta Young got one of her juiciest roles in this pre-code crime drama. Her Mary Martin is more than just a good girl forced into criminal circles-- she’s a complicated creature, compassionate and desperate and lonely and bitter and sensual all at once. This movie is a fast-paced, beautifully filmed ride, cloaked in that Depression-era cynicism that makes pre-code Hollywood of such interest to movie geeks the world over.

WILD BOYS OF THE ROAD (DIR. WILLIAM WELLMAN, 1933)

Wild Boys of the Road is a quintessential Depression-era movie, relentless in its bleakness and rage. That the main characters are all starving kids only looking for work makes their struggles all the harder to watch. William Wellman is quickly becoming one of my favorite directors: his gritty style and compact storytelling are just perfect for a ripped-from-the-headlines drama such as this. And the “happy” ending has one little moment that just knocks any smile you have right off your mug. Absolutely see this.

THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING, THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING (DIR. NORMAN JEWISON, 1966)

Sometimes, when you watch a movie only because a favorite actor is in it, you get subjected to pure trash like Free and Easy (oh, the things I do for Buster Keaton). Other times, you get cute gems like The Russians are Coming, The Russians are Coming, which, as you probably guessed, I mainly sought out for Alan Arkin. But the whole movie is hilarious, the best kind of farce comedy, populated by enjoyable characters and a sweet-tempered humanism that grounds the wackiness. While a little overlong, this movie is quite underrated-- and sadly, its satire of American xenophobia and Cold War panic is not as dated as we would like to believe.

ALL THE PRESIDENT’S MEN (DIR. ALAN J. PAKULA, 1976)

Who knew a political thriller where most people know the twist could be so intense and riveting? It’s about as nonsensical as feeling suspense when you watch a movie about the Titanic and hope the boat won’t sink-- but damn, it’s magical. All the President’s Men is real white-knuckle stuff, with Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffman projecting both youthful excitement and deep panic as they proceed with their investigation. It scarcely seems to have aged at all.

WHISPER OF THE HEART (DIR. YOSHIFUMI KONDOU, 1995)

There’s a scene near the end of Whisper of the Heart where the protagonist Shizuku shows the finished first draft of her fantasy novel to her first reader, the grandpa of one of her schoolmates. She weeps because it isn’t the perfect image she had in her head, despite how hard she worked on it, but the old man tells her that it takes polishing and discipline to make the work come to its full potential. Few movies about artists are so honest about how hard it can be, how unsupportive others can be in their demand that everyone be “practical.” As a writer who struggles to create and constantly doubts herself, this movie spoke strongly to me. I recommend it to any creative person.

THE PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE (DIR. BRIAN DE PALMA, 1976)

I’d been wanting to see this movie since my high school phan days. Holy crap, is it WEIRDER than I could have ever imagined, a true camp masterpiece. I’m shocked it was never tuned into a stage show actually, but then again, we would miss those trippy camera angles and we wouldn’t have Paul Williams as one of the greatest villains of all time.

DUEL (DIR. STEVEN SPIELBERG, 1971)

When people talk about the best movies made in the “Hitchcock without Hitchcock directing” tradition, why is Duel so seldom mentioned? The scene in the cafe, packed with paranoid tension and tense camerawork, alone should qualify it. Duel is most known as the movie which put the young Steven Spielberg on the map. It’s quite different from his later work, grittier and less whimsical for sure. Even the ending seems almost nihilistic, depending on how you view it. But damn, if it isn’t fine filmmaking.

CAROL (DIR. TODD HAYNES, 2015)

This gorgeous throwback to Douglas Sirk melodramas is also one of the best romantic movies I’ve seen in a while. Cate Blanchett and Rooney Mara have the sweetest, tenderest chemistry-- it was like seeing Lauren Bacall and Audrey Hepburn as love interests in a film. Unlike Sirk, there is little in the way of ripe melodrama here-- everything is underplayed, aching, mature. And I can say this is an adaptation that is better than the source book: it just feels so much warmer.

12 ANGRY MEN (DIR. SIDNEY LUMET, 1957

All I can say is that this was every bit equal to the hype. Common movie wisdom says people sitting and talking in a room is going to be boring on film, but movies like 12 Angry Men prove this is not so when you’ve got an excellently tense atmosphere, an inspired script, and a stable of fine actors to work with. Like The Russians are Coming, the Russians are Coming, this movie has not significantly aged-- much to society’s discredit.

A STAR IS BORN (DIR. GEORGE CUKOR, 1954)

Another movie I went into not expecting to love as much as I did. When movies from the 20s or 30s tended to get remakes in the 1950s, I always find them too garish and big, victims of glossy Cinemascope and overlong runtimes. Compared to the lean 1937 classic original, I expected sheer indulgence from this three-hour remake. Instead, I got my heart torn out all over again-- the longer runtime is used well, fleshing out the characters to a greater degree. Judy Garland and James Mason both give what might be the best efforts of their respective careers, and the satire of the celebrity machine remains as relevant and scathing as ever.

BLANCANIEVES (DIR. PABLO BERGER, 2012)

Oh, it feels like this movie was made for me specifically. It’s shot in gorgeous, expressionistic black-and-white. It’s set in the 1920s. It’s a clever adaptation of a classic fairy tale. It’s as funny and charming as it is bittersweet and macabre. Instead of more superhero movies, can we get more neo-silent movies like this? PLEASE?

THE FAVOURITE (DIR. YORGOS LANTHIMOS, 2018)

I’ve heard The Favourite described as a “bitchy lesbian Shakespeare play,” but this description, while a little true in terms of general tone, does not get to the heart of what makes this film brilliant. More than love or sex, this movie is about power-- particularly the corrupting influence of power. And it corrupts not only morals but love itself. Innocents become Machiavellian schemers. Lovers become sadomasochistic enemies. Good intentions turn to poison. This certainly isn’t a happy movie, but it is moving and, strangely enough, also hilarious. I was reminded of the chilly, satirical world of Kubrick’s Barry Lyndon more than once-- and for me, that is not a bad movie to be reminded of.

ON THE WATERFRONT (DIR. ELIA KAZAN, 1954)

Another classic that’s been on my list forever that I was delighted to find worthy of its reputation. It’s a classic tale of redemption and social justice, perfectly acted and shot. While I still prefer A Streetcar Named Desire as far as Kazan is concerned, this might be a better movie in the objective sense. Actually, more than even Brando, Karl Malden is the acting highlight for me-- he plays a priest torn between staying silent or truly speaking for the Gospel by demanding justice for the poor parish he serves. Just brilliant work.

KLUTE (DIR. ALAN J. PAKULA, 1971)

A perfect thriller, just about, and a great example of the “NYC is hell on earth” subgenre of the 1960s and 1970s. Jane Fonda is a revelation: she feels so real, not at all like a starlet trying to seem normal if you know what I mean.

KISS KISS BANG BANG (DIR. SHANE BLACK, 2005)

As far as subversive noir goes, this is the most entertaining. I would put it up there with The Big Lebowski as far as goofy takes on Raymond Chandler are concerned-- I don’t even really know what to make of it, but I laughed my ass off anytime I wasn’t going “WHAT???”

What were your favorite film discoveries in 2019?

[antman-56]

I Don’t Deserve You

Today was a special day. 

Well to the happy love birds, Ann and Ryuji, anyway.

How these two ended up together the majority of the school tried to figure out.

Hell even the school newspaper club made an article to understand the logic of those two. 

One was a beautiful model and the other was a total delinquent.

But as the school year raged on people started to notice a couple of things.

One : Ryuji stopped dying his hair blonde. It freaked Miss Kawakami out when he came to see Ann.

Two : He actually paid attention in his classes. From the below average student to making it to the top 10 in his class. (Mostly thanks to Makoto, and reluctantly Yusuke) He was accused of coping people and that accusation went with a full investigation. On which ended when they continuously found him in the library with his girlfriend and friends silently studying.

Three : He wore his school uniform correctly. This was actually the hardest thing for him and yet everyone didn’t even notice it. His guess was that they zoned him out. Until SOMEONE pointed it out.

And finally. 

Four : HE WAS DATING ANN TAKAMAKI AND SHE LOVED HIM!!!

Today was their one year anniversary. He had the day planned out. He asked Haru to make a reservation to a good restaurant (he would have done it but she was the daughter of a BIG CEO and he paid her back), have Makoto teach him some stuff about flowers (HE literally begged her), made enough time for Yusuke to make a “master piece” for free (he had to let them draw them on dates for the next 3 months) and Futaba to help him get find great deals on brand clothes and buy them somewhere convenient. And Akria just wished him luck last night. He really wished he was here to cheer him on.

Today had to be special.

But right now he had to get out of bed.

“It’s showtime.”

***Ann’s place***

 Ann had just finished her workout routine and was heading for the shower. 

Today would be a good time to try out that new shampoo bottle.

RING RING

Ann turned to look at her phone.

❤❤Babe❤❤

“You rang.”

“Hey you have anything planned for today”

“No, not really. Why you wanna meet up?”

“That’s the plan. I’ll see you at 4.”

Beep

Ann just looked at her phone. wondering why he sounded more tense then usual. Maybe he was stressed out, he did go all out on the test.

Maybe he just wanted to see me. We haven’t really talked since testing began.

She decided to go all out for him. He needs to relax or else he may pop a blood vessel.

***12 o clock***

“Daisy?!”

“Loyal love!”

“Primerose?!”

“I can’t live without you!”

“Orange Blossom?!”

“Eternal Love!”

Makoto closed the book and nodded.

“I have no more to teach you.”

“And I have the flowers.”

Haru gave him the bundle of flowers.

“I really appreciate this you guys.”

“Hold still. Your ruining my draft.”

Everyone turned to Yusuke.

“He said I was to draw his date and so on for 3 months. Now stop moving.”

“Inari stop being rude. And just because I know you two. The last bus to your guyes houses will be delayed when your late.”

“ALRIGHT I can do this.”

“Knock’em dead tiger.” Akira said over the skype call.

Ryjui marched out of the attic with Yusuke behind him. With the group giving him their support. 

“SHIT!!!”

He soon came back up to see Futaba holding out his wallet. 

He took it and was on his way. Again.

“Such a dork.” Futaba stated.

Everyone nodded.

***4 o clock***

Ryuji was outside of Ann’s door and was holding the bouquet of flowers nervously in his hands.

Here he was in a red and yellow flannel shirt and black jeans. He got them on clearance and an additional half off price with Futaba’s help. He basically got the damn things for free. 

Sure the shirt needed a patch up job but Haru was more than happy to help and Makoto kept Yusuke at bay from styling the shirt.

Why was he acting like this. It’s not like their first date!! No it was the most important date of his life right now!! I mean girls hold these thing to a high standard. Right?

“Stop that.” 

“What!” That snapped Ryuji out of his thoughts. He turned to see Yusuke focused on the paper

“Paranoid. It makes the drawing less presentable and gives out the most minimal effect possible.”

“I’m not!!”

“Your shaking slightly. obliviously sweating and over thinking things.”

That caught him off guard.

“Ann loves you. And you her. I’m pretty sure no matter how this date goes nothing will change between you two.”

That really calmed Ryuji down.

“Unless she catches you staring at other girls.”

“Hey” He dropped the flowers and marched to punch him when the door opened. 

In front of them stood Ana, who decided to let her hair down, who wore a red blouse with a clover on her right shoulder and black skirt. 

The boys noticed she smelled like cherry with a hint of lavender. 

What Ann saw was Ryuji about to punch Yusuke, who had a pencil and paper for some reason?

“Uh... what’s going on?”

Ryuji quickly stumped for an answer.

“He was complaining about my price for this masterpiece.”

““What’s this master piece Yusuke?”

“My drawing of you two on your date. 

Ann blushed and stared at a equal blushing and flabbergasted Ryuji.

“And in return I get to draw you two on dates for inspiration for 3 months.”

“WHAT!!!”

“Yes, now please pretend I’m not here.”

Yusuke quickly went back to his drawing, hiding his face in the process.

Ryuji took that as his chance to fill in the awkward silence.

“So, yeah I did agree to that. So, you look... Wow!”

“You don’t look so bad yourself. Are those new?”

“Yeah they are anyway back on topic lets get this show on the road. Oh and these are for you”

He grabbed the flowers on the flower and gave them to her.

Ann took them and gave them a sniff. They smell nice and they matched their colors.

Ryuji grabbed Ann’s free hand and began to march.

Ann meet his speed and followed her boyfriend smiling for the gift and at his antics.

“Don’t walk to fast.” Yusuke complained.

***8 o clock***

Yusuke had just left the couple and they couldn’t be any happier.

They loved the man but when it came to being his ‘willing’ models...he was demanding.

But what they got saved Ryuji a fortune. He hoped. 

Yusuke refused to show them what he finished said something about adding the finishing touches later.

They had just finished going to the park and they decided to skip the movie since it was a rerun (and because Yusuke needed them to spot him).

Through out all this, Ann noticed something. 

Ryuji was still tense, even after getting to talk again. (minus Yusuke’s occasional comments).

She thought maybe it was because Yusuke was here that he was more tense that he had to show he was perfect for her but, no he seemed just as tense as he was on the phone.

Now here they were alone and heading to a nice dinner in Ginza.

“Hey Ryuji.”

“Yeah.”

“What’s wrong?”

“What?”

“You’ve been acting weird all day.”

“What do you mean I’m acting weird?”

Ryuji began to sweat a bit more.

Since Yusuke left he was now on his own with Ann and she was now wondering if he didn’t meet her expectations. I mean they were followed for the majority of their anniversary.

“I don’t know what your talking about.” He answered weakly.

“Ryuji, what’s wrong?” She asked again with worry in her voice.

The last time he was like this was when he tried to hide the fact that his mom collapsed from over working herself. 

That was a nightmare times 10 for him and almost broke him. 

Now here they were. 

Ryuji desperately looking for a way out of this finally found an opening and unfortunately it was the worst one.

“OH SHIT THE TRAIN!!!”

Ryuji grabbed Ann’s hand and ran to catch it.

Ann was screaming at him to slow down or to just stop but he didn’t listen. 

They had to get the train

THEY HAD TO..

Just as he reached the platform the train left.

“GOD DAMMIT!!”

He watched as the train left the station along with their perfect date.

“RYUJI WHATS YOUR PROBLEM!!”

She pulled her hand out of his and was now mad at him.

“Because I messed tonight up.”

“What are you talking about?”

She sounded more confused than mad right now.

“Our one year anniversary.”

He sounded defeated.

Ann just stood in shock at him remembering that. Hell she completely forgotten what today was. 

“I asked Yusuke to make a drawing for us, asked the girls to help me make this as special as fucking possible and after all that I still Fucked it up!!”

He fell to his knees and looked down.

She finally understood why he was so tense. He wanted to make today special and she forgot what today was because he made her feel special.

“Everyone was right. I don’t deserve you.”

Now that got her mad. 

She began to walk over to him and stopped when she was in front of his kneeling body.

“What the hell are you talking about!?”

He looked up to see her.

“You don’t deserve me that’s bullshit and you know it. You are kind in your own way, you went against the biggest bastard in the school on your own and when you were right everyone else felt like an idiot! You changed for me even when I didn’t ask you to! I mean look at your grades! You make it a part of your day to be with me even if you had to do something else! You were their for me when I needed you! So to hell to what every one else says!”

She stopped to breath and felt a few tears break out.

Everyone thought she hadn’t noticed what he’s been doing. What they failed to notice was that he had changed her.

She was no longer the quiet girl everyone talked about. And she wasn’t the airhead they claimed her to be. He taught her that she was her own person and that she can be who ever the hell she wanted to be.   

And right now she wanted to be Ryuji’s girlfriend.

Ryuji looked up to see her and with that got the strength to get up and hug her.

“I don-”

Ann grabbed the sides fo his head and kissed him. And it was nice when it was returned.

“Shut up. You do.”

They both smiled.

“Now come on lets see if we can get a cab.”

She grabbed his hand and dragged him to the street. 

***Rooftop***

“Inari you perv.”

Futaba said as she and him , binoculars in hand, spying on the couple. 

Yusuke was making a new piece. He finished the one for Ryuji and now for his payment.

For Ryuji It was a portrait of those two in the park. Ryuji’s head on Ann’s lap under a tree. when the entire scene was anything but the picture.

Those two just wouldn’t stop moving.

The display of love before him. Was an unconditional sort. If only he could have heard them then this piece would have the emotions that the couple had felt.

This new piece was a man in tears throwing his heart out and a woman catching it and running to him with it, all the while the village just stares at the two. 

“I am anything but. Now to name this piece.”

“How about, “Young Love”?”

Yusuke began contemplating the name. To Futaba he looked like he was ignoring her.

“Hey Inari, I’m going to steal your food if you don’t answer!”

“Not a bad name.” 

He grabbed his lunch box before she could open it and gave Futaba a kiss on the head.

“Bye bye love.”

Futaba stood still for a couple of seconds, red all over face, watching his retreating figure.

“HEY GET BACK HERE!!!”

[johndaltcn]

WANTED IN THE STATE OF NEW YORK: TAYLOR DANVERS or A DAY IN THE LIFE OF MISSING HER.

Drowning. John could think of worse ways to die. A car accident where you hurl out of the windshield like a ragdoll, some form of cancer, being beaten to death, a gas leak, poison. The list was seemingly endless. John could have conjured new ideas with each breath, with each turn of his head, which each greeting. He’d be sitting opposite a middle-aged man with a greying beard and a beer belly who needed a new motor for his boat and, suddenly, dying of old age alone in your bedroom. Though, there was still drowning in the ocean. Perhaps he would have eventually given up the good fight when he was out there for too long. He’d wade into the eerie quiet of the sea. On days where the list feels useless, he imagines Taylor doing just that. A product of her surroundings, growing gills and a tail like they do in the movies. She’d be blue but shiny like a wet marble. Her arms would be spread and she’d be smiling up at the blue, blue sky and quietly go the way the world wanted. The way she wanted.

Waves. An interruption to a dream about a man stranded on an island. John stirs under his duvet, light from his window peeking through the heavy fabric of his curtains. The man eats a coconut with one hand and draws shapes in the sand with another. First, he draws a circle and then turns it into a smiley face. Next came a hard penis and then an ocean wave. A lonely, makeshift masterpiece.

As the sun comes up, the room becomes brighter, earning the sun to rise in his dreamscape. It looms just along the horizon, casting a glimmer of white and pale blue across the darkened sea. The edges look transparent paired with the white foam that laps against the sand. His toes dig hastily into the warmth there before the cool of the ocean comes running up his hairy ankles.

This was a nice dream. For now. A miracle. The man wanders around with a smile. He is alone but he is satisfied. No burdens have followed him to his little island. He may starve one day and become a mummy in the sand. Rich people in need of normalcy will arrive one day and find his skeleton perched against a palm tree. Inside his hands will hold a now withered, torn note that says I loved it here.

Dying alone stranded on an island. A piece of John’s brain leaves a reminder to write that down on his list of ways to die.

The man wakes once again after another island sleep, stretching his limbs with a hearty groan. The sun comes up just the same. Glimmering, warm. Today, there was a grey cloud somewhere in the East. Light eyes look to it with confusion. How dare the weather interrupt his state of mind. His shoulders frump like a disturbed toddler, padding across the sand and into the wild jungle where the leaves hung low and sweat became his best friend.

He walks and walks. He’s not sure why. Perhaps he was looking for an answer or someone to scold. The weather was sickeningly humid, the kind that makes every inch of you damp and slick. John could smell his own skin in his sleep. His own sweat too.

The man follows a path down a long line of dirt and sand. He reaches the other end of the island which is much more bleak. The clouds hang low and are a muggy shade of black and grey. The ocean is almost green like moss. It doesn’t lick the shore like the other end. No, it clings to it. It’s thickened over time, probably from oil and other grimes that he couldn’t name in this moment. To his right, he hears a strange sound. A wet but also dry sound that makes the hairs on his arms prick and rise. He looks, there’s a fish. It’s dying, moving around, and gasping for air. His throat tightens. Is it food or a test? He looks to the sky for an answer, perhaps from God, but it only darkens. He was very hungry and a nice, dying fish over a fire sounded like a blessing. But, by some impulse, he scoops the slimy thing up in his shaky hands and goes running through the thick jungle once more. He scrapes his arms and legs on branches as he runs and runs. The beat of his own heart becomes loud like a speaker on high. His breathing is jagged and he begins to squeak with each breath.

Once his slice of heaven comes into view once more, he dashes to the water. His perfect water with all the blues and whites. When he’s close enough, he places the squirming fish into the water. It flops around uselessly. John thinks he might have been dreaming about the stupidest fish in history. It flies right out of the water and onto the sand again.

Did this damn thing wish to die?

With that, he scoops it up again and basically tosses it into the water. “I’m trying to save you!” He yells though his words come out muffled. It sounded like his throat had been piled to the brim with cotton balls.

Then he turns, only to find that the shore had been covered in dead fish. Most of them squirmed and jumped along the sand, bouncing off one another helplessly. The sound was atrocious, like someone chewing loudly in his ear or rubbing their thighs against a wet sheet of marble.

It grows louder, the sound of dead fish and now gawking seagulls falling from the sky. They were hungry for fish but are too ambitious in their endeavor to feed. They crash land to the island and accompany the still dying fish. They’re dying now too. The sound becomes louder and louder and louder. The waves sound like nails brushing together. Rusty ones that have been since forgotten inside someone’s garage.

The man covers his ears and screams. He screams his cotton ball scream and wishes to go home to the mainland. There’s a rotted human hand poking out of the sand just at his feet before John wakes up, gasping for air.

Like in the movies, he hoists himself out of his bed upon waking up. His sweaty back presses carefully into the headboard once he comes to. He was alive, awake, and dry. Well, almost. A hand reaches up brush strands of hair that stick to his forehead. John swallows hard, breathing heavily for a few moments. Mostly to collect himself. It was often that he had nightmares like this. Though they were all different in certain ways, they did all have one thing in common. Water. Sea. John has come to accept that this was the price he had to pay for knowing and missing Taylor Danvers. It might have been the price of loving her too.

The covers are thrown from his body then, draping down and across his bed. The bottoms of his feet move to touch the cold hardwood of his bedroom which grounds him. You’re alive, John. Light that pokes from behind his curtains moves across the floor, creating a line from the window and to under his bed where most of Taylor’s things were stored. He could have easily stuffed them in a box within the back of his closet but something about that made John uneasy. Embarrassed, even. To him, it seemed like such a cliché and John was already coasting the line of borderline cliché these days. The nightmares were enough.

Once the sleep was rubbed from his eyes, John heads to his kitchen to make himself some coffee. He checks the digital clock above his stove. The bright green numbers read 8:12AM. 

At least it was early. At least he hasn’t become like his father, waking up late in the afternoon and still drunk from the evening before. The smell of coffee begins to envelop his home as he opens the creaky cabinet above his head in search of a mug. He plucks one with a decorative J on the front, a lackluster birthday gift his mother had sent him one year. She was a month early but he appreciated the sentiment regardless. Sometimes anything was better than nothing from Jennifer Dalton.

While he continues to wait for the pot to brew, he pictures Taylor dancing around the kitchen in her underwear. She did that almost every day, making a mess in the kitchen as she attempted to make both pancakes and scrambled eggs at the same time. How she made a mess of something so simple, John would never know, but he had always found that endearing. Her dark, smooth hair was always thrown up in a bun at the top of her small head. Her eyes were wide and muddy brown like a cartoon lamb. She would kiss his cheek and say he looked “positively handsome” each morning and then slide him a steaming cup with his beverage of choice.

The memory makes him purse his lips into a tight line as he picks up the pot and pours the coffee into his mug. Though he can never quite combat his thoughts. A specific memory comes to mind as he moves to sit at the marble island in his kitchen.

....

Rain tapped along the large windows inside his living room. His home is Dallas was large but comfortable, something out of an interior design magazine you’d find in a doctor’s office. Taylor had been reading a book, cuddled underneath an old blanket of John’s. Taylor made a habit of staying the night after a while and John didn’t mind. He enjoyed her company. He had slid beside her, removing the book from her lap and placing it carefully on the coffee table. A wide, beaming smile graced her expression in no time. She ran her fingers through his dark beard. John had started to ask about her family. He thought maybe they could spend a Christmas or a Thanksgiving with them sometime. At the mention of family, Taylor’s expression fell. He knew that look, it was always the look she sported when something or someone made her uncomfortable. 

“My family is disgusting,” She said through gritted teeth, scanning John’s expression as if he should have known that much. He only shook his head, feeling guilty. “Oh,” Is what he started with, a little lost for words. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”

Taylor then went on about how her sister was a backstabbing bitch and that her mother was a liar and her father just the same. Apparently they had disowned her, cast her out like some unwanted puppy. The idea not only confused John but also baffled him. She was so intelligent, so willing, so creative. He couldn’t imagine what had happened to make something like this happen. To make her family dislike her with such vigor. 

“Well, what happened?” John asked then, head canting to the side. He had to know. By then, John had told her everything. About her mother and her bloated lips, injected hips, and much younger boyfriends. His father and his proclivity for drinking himself into a haze. And, then, his sister, a Jennifer Dalton wannabe with manicured fingernails and a voice that sounded so feminine and so grainy that it made you want to rip your ears right from your head. 

That’s when Taylor’s own brows knit together, a look of anger flashing across her face like a stroke of lightning. Had he said something wrong? Was he not meant to ask? John can vividly remember the feeling of panic that had washed over him in an instant. He could still feel it now like he was reliving the moment. 

She had grabbed his arm. Tight. Her much smaller fingers left a reddened imprint on his skin there. “Do not ask me about my family. Ever. I’m here with you now, John,” She cooed, releasing his arm then to stroke the sides of his face, “Nothing else matters but me and you. I want to forget them.”

At the time, that seemed fair enough. John had done so much to forget his own family, as well, especially once he moved away and his parents got divorced. Who was he to judge her or her reaction? He’d learn more about her past eventually. Someday. Perhaps this was how love worked. You had to fight for it and you had to deal with the pretty and all the ugly too. He remembers reading that somewhere. But he also might have heard it come from Jennifer’s mouth.

....

Back to the present, back to reality. Looking back, he should have known. Even then. The truth of the situation was that Taylor’s family had endlessly tried to have her arrested. For many things, actually. Theft, stalking, assault, battery, and more. She had once broken a Coke bottle and threatened to stab her sister and her boyfriend with it before running off to wherever it is she went. She always did that, apparently. Ran away, even as a child. After her death, John had taken a detour to Long Island, where she was from. It was a brief visit though her family was willing to tell John just what he needed to know. 

Taylor was troubled, unsettling, and not the greatest person in the world. Not by a long shot. She stole and mostly survived, never really living. Apparently, they had a grandmother like this too who died of something that John can’t remember. All he remembers is something about alcohol being involved.

Meeting Taylor’s family, for some reason, made it easier to make up scenarios or reasons why. To this day, he does regret seeking out the truth. He wished he would have let it remain a mystery, an unknown woman coming into his life who made him fall in love but then died in the process. That sounded much better than discovering that Taylor Danvers was an unstable woman who had no true moral compass. 

But, she was exactly that. As time went on, John began to see her as a lonely woman rather than a bad one. He started to look for excuses that, soon enough, formed into a ball of guilt. Perhaps she was depressed, maybe her family wasn’t telling the truth, maybe she needed a friend, maybe she lied about stalking, maybe something happened to her when she was young, maybe this, maybe that, maybe anything.

An alarm sounding through John’s home rips him from his thoughts. He sets his mug down and races back to the kitchen. He doesn’t know when he wandered into his living room. This usually happened when John’s thoughts went too deep, when he spiraled. A pan of scrambled eggs were burning on the stove. John didn’t even remember putting them up. With a shaky hand, he shuts off the stove and tosses the pan into the sink, running it under cold water. He grabs a dishtowel and fans the place and then his smoke alarm until it stops beeping.

Burning to death in a housefire. He mentally writes that down, adding it to his long list of excuses.

[silvysartfulness]

10, 14, 19, 41, 44!

Ahh, thank you very much for the Ask! :D

10.  Is there a fandom you read fic from but don’t write in?

Actually, I haven't really read fanfic in a very, very long time? I do love fanfic, I just haven't been invested enough in any fandom to gather spoons enough to read fiction in a long time. I've mostly lived in my own original storyverse Pangaea for the past three years or so.

I think the last fandom I actually read some fic for was the MCU in the early days of the first Avengers movie? I was relatively into frostiron for a while and helped my wife beta her fics Spiting The Sun and Do Ut Des, as well as reading some other fics I unfortunately can't recall the names of.

14. Go on, who are your BroTPs?

I love Wei Wuxian's and Wen Qing's dynamic! It's so so so rare to see a male-female friendship that isn't romance coded.

Literal bros with amazing dynamic would be Wei Wuxian and Jiang Chen, because who needs their heart anyway.

19. Is there a ship which you wished you could get behind, but you just don’t feel them?

Several, but it's a lot more to do with brain fatigue than aversion to the ships themselves!

I wish I had the energy and focus to read more XiYao, I really do love their chemistry a lot. (I may be on a slippery slope there, we'll see. Maybe I'll point back to this post in another month and laugh hollowly and say ”ahaha, guess I should have seen that obsession coming”. Or not. Who can tell? Not me. I just work here.)

I also... both kind of love and hate SongXiao? Like, I love their dynamic, but there seems to be a very black and white (ba-dum-tsh) view that they're the acceptable pure cinnamon pairing in opposition to the problematic clusterfuck that is XueXiao - and since I'm very much into XueXiao, I daren't look too deeply into SongXiao since there's almost always a very negative vibe regarding Xue Yang and Yi City there. But as two parts of the SongXueXiao disaster that I love, I definitely like them a ton.

SangChen? Is that the shipping name? One of those I can see would be fun, but am just not really feeling it.

To be honest though? I'm a thot for good writing and characterization and if something good enough pops under my nose, I'm very willing to give it a shot, no matter the pairing.

41. List and link to 5 fanfics you are currently reading:

I'm still very new in this fandom (hard to believe it's only been a bit more than a month since I jumped in!) and with my brain getting easily overworked, I actually haven't read all that much?

But let's see if I can scrape together 5 fics I read or have read!

1. Chopping Block. This has got to be one of my fave (Song?)XueXiao fics. The way the characters are handled is beautiful, and there have been several of those gut-punch ”oh.” moments where the hurt is so, so good. (The ”his hands get cold” scene, man. MAN.)

2. Red Azalea. This is another utterly charming (Song?)XueXiao fic, a delightful capricious post-Yi-City dance that will also deliver the occasional devastating emotional backhand.

3. My Erstwhile Dear. Aka the fic that decisively picked up my heart and rubbed it face-down into XiYao to the point I'm even on that slippery slope to start with. I find myself thinking about this fic a lot. Like. I probably get distracted thinking about it on an almost daily basis, hoping it'll update. The format of written letters delivers the hurt in such an elegant way, you just gasp for breath.

4. Rewritten. Found this because you rec'ed it! One of the very few modern au's on my list (nothing against modern au’s as such, just not my favourite trope, especially for this show) and damn. Hngh. One of the best openly SongXueXiao fics I've read. The character dynamics, the characterization, the whirl of the timeline layout and the background plot slowly creeping into view... Fucking masterpiece.

5. I'm not being creepy, I promise, but pretty much anything you've written for this fandom? Like, that is literally the last thing in my open fic tabs? Picking one single one is super-hard, but This Place Could Be Beautiful is the one I have bookmarked to browse your stuff, it actually had me literally tearing up reading it, and that's a very good thing? Lick Your Exit Wounds is another one I've re-read several times. Exposure Therapy for some good lighthearted fun (which, still, had me literally tearing up at the part where WWX just so quietly and resignedly asks if he's done something wrong, damn you) And tbh? I. Cannot. Wait. for the fucked up SongXue roadtrip. I cannot. Like. Its state of non-existence torments me. Torments me.

44. What ship do you feel needs more attention?

All mine, of course. (insert ”those pairings were mine, those other OTPs were other people's”-joke here.) Seriously, I'd love for more well written, messy SongXueXiao. XueXiao is also very, very good. And since it seems I at least glance in its direction these days, why not, more XiYao.

And honestly? I have the largest soft spot for any interaction between Wei Wuxian and Xue Yang. Whether sexy or just snarking off doesn't matter (doing both is a bonus).

They are such absolute parallels, the sassy street kids who climbed their way up and through convergent evolution became founders and inventors in a whole new area of cultivation. Never really fitting in - but unlike, for example, Jin Guangyao, who lives and breathes propriety and etiquette to get to own be part of that society, they both just give the cultivation world a big middle finger and walk their respective single plank bridges into the dark. If not for their opposite stances when it comes to caring about other people, they could have been something amazing together. (The whole ”I suffered so I will make sure no-one else will” vs ”I suffered so why shouldn't they?” approach in action there.)

I’m very weak for this, okay, and my brain often tells me delightful stories where they just snark endlessly at each other and it’s beautiful.

[visionaxry]

The Half of It (2020)

what I did like

This movie was very refreshing because it didn’t have the same cheesy glossy Netflix vibe. We all remember such “masterpieces” as Tall Girl and The Kissing Booth, and it’s nice to see that The Half of It was actually a genuine story.

I really liked the way Ellie’s culture and her family was represented in the movie. We don’t usually see families whose first language isn’t English having conversations in their native language on screen, even though it’s unrealistic. And here it wasn’t even a big deal, it just came naturally.

The meaning behind the title and the story was beautiful. In the last scene when Ellie observes other passengers on the train who are sitting alone, the realization hits that all people are a half of somebody’s story. In friendships, romantic and family relationships there’re always two halves, two people who make them up. People aren’t perfect, you can’t just meet someone who will fit you. Relationships blossom from the work that both people put in. [“Love, it’s not finding your perfect half. It’s the trying, and reaching, and falling.”]

Also having an Asian lead and lesbian representation in a mainstream movie was pretty great.

things that weren’t that great

The whole movie felt authentic but at the same time I was left with a lot of questions. Maybe the things I found problems with are nitpicks or they were meant to be that way. And honestly I might have not even noticed them, if only the movie hadn’t left me unfulfilled. You see, once I finished it, I understood that it was lacking something to make a long-lasting impression. That’s what made me go back and think about what didn’t work for me in the movie.

It was hard to understand the school dynamics. The world of the movie felt limited. And people who were on the outside of Ellie’s life — faceless. With such a tiny world, that revolved around three main characters, the football games and talent shows felt out of place because the school life wasn’t established well. I didn’t understand why those guys bullied Ellie and sabotaged her performance. Just to be mean and because they were racist I guess, but they were so absent from the story, that it felt like a plot device and nothing more. Who were those two blonde ladies Ellie kept looking at during the talent show and in church? Just some random judging women? Did I miss something? All these questions just put me out of the story and left me puzzled.

The characters were closed books as well. I didn’t feel connected to any of them.

Aster’s presented like a ‘dream girl’ type of character that we see through Ellie’s eyes. Her boredom and struggle to choose between what she should do and actually wants were mentioned but her emotions and thoughts were still an enigma. Besides, she was cheating on her boyfriend with Paul and everyone was okay with that? It’s not even addressed in the movie.

Ellie was not relatable for me because, again, we didn’t see much of her feelings. If the movie is already including a voice over, why not use it to help the audience understand the main character better? We only see what she’s going through, but we don’t see how.

While Ellie didn’t seem to play an active part in her own life, it was Paul who was moving the story forward. Usually, I enjoy a good-hearted dense jock, but not here. Trying to kiss Ellie even though he was still with Aster, and then not even caring that Aster saw them but instead saying that Ellie’s gonna end up in hell for being gay (and never apologizing for it). Where did the homophobia come from? The fact that he was religious wasn’t that focused on to expect this turn of events. Just as well, it was hard to figure out what was happening inside his head. His character just like everyone else’s felt flat.

Probably the worst scene of the movie happened in the said church. With twenty minutes left, the movie, that so cautiously avoided and reinvented romcom clichés up to this point, suddenly slips into an unrealistic and awkward speech in front of everybody (everybody being the characters that weren’t well developed nor established, so for us they’re just nobody). Can we please stop making the scenes, where characters finally have a revelation or admit their feelings, so damn public? How often is it actually considered cute? Why can’t characters just talk to each other and be open and genuine, without having an audience to clap for them at the end?

Anyway, the premise itself wasn’t groundbreaking (what is it about Netflix making movies about asian girls writing letters?). However, I enjoyed a calm tone this movie had. I wish they’d just made the plot more exciting? or not as confusing?

After watching the trailer I was under an impression that Paul was going to find out sooner that Ellie liked Aster, and the movie would be about him helping her instead, which I still think would make for a more interesting story. It’s a shame we spent so much time on a relationship between Paul and Aster, that was obviously not going to last.

In conclusion, The Half of It won’t become something I’d like to rewatch or contemplate about. With all its good parts the movie was unsatisfying for me. It felt like we weren’t following an arc but were rather seeing a chain of events in a character’s life. That sure is realistic but doesn’t make for a very entertaining story. Nonetheless, I think it was a nice refresher from all the quirky unrealistic romcoms that we’re flooded with.

6/10

[nicolasnelson]

Sizzie fic - Perchance to Dream [oneshot]

Title: Perchance to Dream Relationship: Lizzie Saltzman/Sebastian Additional Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Sebastian’s POV Words: 2,388

Summary: Sebastian has a dream about Cassandra which scares him. Thankfully Lizzie is there to comfort him, but he wonders how long she will stay by his side.

Requested by @fandommatchmaker19​ // Prompt: Would love a Sizzie one-shot in which Lizzie comforts Sebastian about something.

[AO3 LINK]

Sebastian could see her face in vivid detail, every inch of her as fine as an artist’s masterpiece. Her loving gaze and playful smile invited him in, and she whispered a promise to him.

“I will protect you always.” She kissed his palm and brushed her hair aside, allowing him access to her stunning neck.

“I cannot,” he said, though the temptation burned in his chest. Cassandra always did this to him, teased him with what he could not have.

She scooted closer to him on the bed, wrapping a leg around his torso and pushing her body against his. She slipped the sleeve of her silk gown off her shoulder so her breast pressed against his skin. Soft and warm and oh so tempting.

Sebastian nuzzled his cheek against her neck. His body was taut as he fought to maintain his control. If he broke for even a moment, desire might take over.

“Please, Sebastian,” she pleaded. “Blood will increase your lust. I want to feel all of you, to experience you the way only your victims have.”

“You may not survive it,” Sebastian said, his voice soft and strained. He sounded a little scared, even to his own ears, and maybe he was. It was hard to stop feeding once he started. The only times he managed it were when his victims were less than desirable.

She ran her fingers through his hair and pulled his head closer against her neck. “I trust you.”

Sebastian chuckled against her skin. That was a mistake. No one should trust him when he could not even trust himself. The warm, sweet scent of blood tickled his nostrils, and he looked down to see Cassandra had drawn a knife under her collarbone. Red pooled from the cut in rivulets, trickling down onto her exposed breast.

His mouth watered, and he licked his lips. He could feel that his self control was already gone.

Sebastian awoke. He sat up in bed and saw the woman beside him, the long blond hair. He sighed in relief. He hadn’t killed her after all.

“Cassandra, dear,” he whispered and turned her onto her back. Dead eyes stared up, not quite meeting his, and he scrambled backwards off the bed. He hit the floor with a thunk.

And then he opened his eyes and found himself in a different bedroom. He was in bed, a blond woman beside him. It was all so familiar, like he was reliving the same nightmare. He didn’t dare check to see if she was alive.

The room was suffocating him, the floor wobbling beneath his feet. He stumbled to the door and tried the knob, but it wouldn’t turn. Oh, God. He was locked inside.

He slid his back down the cool wood and crumpled up, arms wrapped around his legs. His whole body was shaking, and he felt the tears trickling down his cheeks. Like the blood trickling down Cassandra’s chest. Oh, God. He still remembered the taste on his lips, sweet like strawberries.

“Sebastian, are you okay?”

He jumped, looking up to the blond woman. As his eyes focused on her, a name popped into his head. “Elizabeth.”

He sighed with relief. At least he hadn’t killed her. He hadn’t killed Cassandra either. He knew that now. It was just a dream, a memory, but knowing that didn’t calm him down. He was still on edge, like balancing on a tightrope above a pit of blood.

Elizabeth Saltzman sat down next to him and put a hand on his knee. “What happened?”

“It’s nothing you need to worry about. You should go back to sleep.” He gave her a small smile.

Elizabeth laughed. “That was the saddest smile I’ve ever seen. Come on, Sebastian. You can’t keep this inside. I know what that’s like. It’ll just burn you from the inside out.”

“Like your episodes?”

“Exactly. You’ve seen how bad those can be. I don’t want you to go through that too.” She grabbed his hand, which was still shaking, and squeezed his fingers.

There was something soothing about being with Elizabeth. She understood him better than most, and she had the patience to learn more. It hadn’t always been that way. He could remember a time when she hated him, but now they were at a comfortable place. Not lovers, but certainly more than friends. Partners in copulation and the occasional crime.

“It was a dream,” Sebastian said. It felt wrong to say it aloud, like he was lying, because it was so much more than that. “Not a dream. A memory. There was a time I nearly killed Cassandra. I managed to stop myself, but it has always haunted me.”

“The past tends to do that,” Elizabeth said, sighing. “And you have more of it than most.”

Sebastian laughed, but it was soft and self-pitying. “I wish memories were not so long lasting. You would think I would forget after all these years, but I can never forget. Even when I am not actively thinking of them, they influence my actions.”

Elizabeth pulled out her cellular device. “I’ve got a playlist I like to listen to when I think I’m about to have a meltdown. It doesn’t always work, but sometimes it helps to get my mind off what’s bothering me.” She hit a button and music sprung forth from the device. She set it on the floor in front of them and leaned her head on Sebastian’s shoulder.

Sebastian squeezed her hand, grateful to have her by his side. The music was indeed soothing. He focused on the words and seeing how he could relate to them. The refrain particularly resonated with him.

I don't know if I can stay strong. Hold on, for too long. I've been lost. I need you here to calm me down. I need you here to calm me.

“Thank you, Elizabeth.”

“You’re welcome.”

They stayed like that through several more songs until Sebastian really did feel calm again. He’d never been able to calm himself down with music before. These fits of anxiety had plagued him for many, many years. They always made him feel like he was dying as a memory replayed in a loop in his head.

But Elizabeth had helped get him out of that loop. He had to do more than thank her with words. He had to show this beautiful creature how much she meant to him. How grateful he was that she had treated him like a person and not a child or someone crazy. She hadn’t seen his anxiety as a weakness at all.

And he’d never seen her struggles with her mental health as a weakness. So why all the self pity? He was strong and capable too. He was allowed to break down sometimes. His life was complicated and difficult. It was a wonder he hadn’t had a big meltdown after waking up in another century.

Everything was still so new, and he was still adjusting. Some things were amazing improvements that made life more convenient, like these devices that played music and relayed messages to other people. Some things were more annoying, like the doors that would open suddenly when you walked near them. Others were downright mind boggling, like the game of matching candy that people played on those devices for hours on end, wasting their lives away, chasing the satisfaction of reaching each new level.

It was a whole new world, and he wanted to make the most of it.

“Can we go for a ride in your vessel?” Sebastian asked.

“Right now?”

Sebastian chuckled. “Why, yes, my dear, it is my time of night after all.”

“We’d have to sneak out,” Elizabeth said, though there was a smile on her face and a glint of mischief in her eyes.

“Add it to our list of crimes, Bonnie.”

Elizabeth rolled her eyes, laughing. “I should never have shown you that movie. You relate far too much to Clyde.”

“Only for his dedication to Bonnie,” Sebastian said, drinking her in. Elizabeth really was the most wonderful creature he’d ever met.

...

They snuck out through the kitchens in the dorms. Pedro was in there having a snack, but he promised Elizabeth he wouldn’t tell anyone. Sebastian wasn’t sure whether they could trust the small child, but he didn’t really care if they got into trouble. He was used to it by now.

Elizabeth put the top down on the car and drove them through the town and onto the interstate. Sebastian enjoyed the cool air against his face. It reminded him of horse riding, but it was so much smoother and faster, much more exhilarating. He looked over at Elizabeth to see her blond hair whipping all around her like a tumbleweed.

“Oh, hush. Your hair doesn’t look any better,” Elizabeth said when she caught his amused smile in the mirror.

He glanced at himself. The wind was slicking his hair back, much like the 1931 version of Dracula. “This is very old wine. I hope you will like it,” he said, smirking.

Elizabeth barked out a laugh at the reference. “Aren't you drinking?”

“I never drink”—Sebastian paused dramatically—“wine.”

Elizabeth jerked the car to the right and took the exit. She drove into a small patch of woods and parked the car. “Should we put the top back up?”

“Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn,” Sebastian said.

“Oh, God. I love it when you quote Gone with the Wind.” Elizabeth grabbed his neck and pulled him into a hungry kiss.

Her breath still smelled of peppermint toothpaste, and Sebastian found it downright intoxicating. He helped maneuver Elizabeth over the center console so she could straddle his lap. It felt nice to look up at her, like she was some goddess smiling down at him, bestowing kisses upon him like gifts no mortal man deserved.

Sebastian had to remind himself he was no mortal man. He’d made his share of mistakes, but this beauty believed he was worthy of her affection. He had confidence that he looked the part, but he never believed he had the personality to match. All his charm was heavily practiced, as he’d spent years studying (and flirting with) the masters. Kings and prostitutes and everything in between.

Elizabeth pushed her hair behind her shoulder, exposing her neck to him. “Do that thing I like.”

Sebastian was hesitant for a moment as the old fear gripped him, but he obliged, pressing his lips against Elizabeth’s smooth skin. He ran his tongue along the back of her ear, playing in the corner just behind her earlobe. Elizabeth melted in his arms, goose pimples prickling all along her skin as she shivered in delight.

He was still surprised she trusted him to do this. Was she even a little afraid he might be tempted to bite her instead? Or was she like Cassandra, naively trusting he’d be able to stop once he started?

Witches couldn’t know the allure of blood, how it wasn’t like a delicious cake they could eat bit by bit over time. Blood was like wine to an alcoholic, drugs to an addict, that stupid candy game to mindless teenagers. You didn’t have to be a ripper to become consumed by that hunger.

Elizabeth nuzzled her nose against his, pulling him from his thoughts, and he couldn’t help but think instead about how adorable she was. And how unfairly lucky he was to have her in his arms. He wasn’t good enough for her, and she knew it, but she wanted him anyways.

Their lips met again, tongues dancing to the familiar choreography, and he ran his fingers through her hair, marveling at its softness. He imagined transporting her to his time. Not his drab life on the colony, where he was devoted to Cassandra, but the time before he became a vampire. His life in Europe, the elaborate parties he had attended. Elizabeth would look wonderful in one of those ball gowns, with her hair pinned up, that lovely neck on full display. Dainty gloves on her dangerous hands. Pink slippers on her beautiful feet.

Oh how she would have turned heads. He would never have gotten the chance to dance with her then, only to admire from afar.

“I am pleased with how my life has turned out,” Sebastian admitted, a little surprised that he’d uttered the thought aloud.

Elizabeth sat back a little to study his face. “Because of me?”

Sebastian let out a chuckle. “Well, yes, you’re a big part of it. But there’s more to it. If I hadn’t been desiccated in that box, the colonists would have killed me. I never would have gotten the chance to see the twenty-first century, to attend a school of witches, werewolves, vampires, and other things I had never heard of, like tribrids and phoenixes.”

“Well, they are one of a kind,” she said.

Sebastian smiled. “As are you, Elizabeth. I am at an odd place in my life right now. While I am grateful to have the chance to live in this world and interact with you, I fear that all of this will not last. No one in that school trusts me, even after everything I do to help all of you. It feels like I may never earn my place. I am merely being used for my muscles and my vampiric abilities.”

“That is not how I think of you,” Elizabeth assured him.

“Do you think the others will ever change their minds? Or will they continue despising me forever?”

Elizabeth pressed her forehead to his. “Forever is a long time. I think they can warm up to you eventually. I’m doing everything in my power to persuade them.”

Sebastian felt that bubbly happiness in his chest. The kind that made him nervous. Elizabeth was doing so much for him, and all he was doing was helping her when she asked, offering his body to her when she asked.

Maybe it was time he did a favor for her without asking. A gift perhaps, or a special day just for her. An idea was already forming in his mind.

“Elizabeth, how would you feel if I took you on a proper date?”

She blinked in surprise, then smiled sweetly. “I would like that very much.”

[laeana]

All the questions :p gl

Okay then I’m gonna do my best to answer this xD

1: are there any fics that you wanted to leave multiple kudos for, and were disappointed when you could only leave one?

I can say there were too many fics where I wanted to leave more than one kudos ! this is the kind of story i’m coming back to some nights, when i say a new chapter has been post (hourray!), and then at the end of the chapter i’m juste like : pls let me give more thanks to this author, he/she deserves it so much !

I’m only going to give three examples bc otherwise, i’m gonna stay here the whole night !

9 million followers and still all i want is you by simplyverstappen, here as @verstappened​ but the entire Youtube AU serie is golden.

Three Wishes for Verstappen by PoemAboutCityLights that is amazing, i loved everything from the beginning to the end.

now we’re sleeping near the edge by Directionless_Foray that captivates me with a ship I hadn’t read until then.

2: coffeeshop AU or soulmate AU?

I’m so, so, so in love with soulmate AU. It is always something to think about how our fates may be connected to one another. I like that thought and, more than anything, it could help me, a poor and lonely soul, to find real love. And also, it is really easy to romanticize it or turn it funny. So I’m like 100% soulmate AU.

3: slowburn or established relationship?

Slowburn. I like developping relationship and begin from zero to something more complicated. I like all the emotions you can have, insecurities, uncertainties ... from someone who is slowly falling in love and who is terrified by that.

4: has a fic ever made you cry?

nope. Never. But it’s really hard to make me cry over something. Like if one of my relatives die, I would probably cry a lot but I never cried when reading a book, seeing a movie ... except for the Little Prince.

5: what category of fics do you read the most? (angst, fluff, etc)

I read a lot of angst. And write a lot of angst too. I don’t know why, I must like to see people suffering ... 

i just find a certain beauty in people who have been bruised and that still find force to stand.

6: what’s your least favourite fanfic category?

Hard to tell. I don’t know ... i think any category can shelter masterpiece, depending on who is writing and why and if they got the right inspiration at the right moment ... etc. So I cannot resolve myself to fully dislike one category.

7: would you rather read a plot-focused fic or pwp? 

Plot-focused. No particular reason. 

9: what are your favourite ships to read fics for?

If we are taking every single fandom I entered in, I can say for sure Maxiel, Deledier, Lochte/Phelps (though no one write about them anymore) and Stormpilot. 

10: have/would you read a reader-insert fic?

I already did. Quite a few. I was really curious about it and it’s not that unpleasant. Maybe not my cup of tea though.

11: ever read guilty pleasure fics?

Guilty pleasure fic ? ...nah, no guilty pleasure over here. Only pleasure :D

12: first-person or third person fics?

Mostly third person. I gave up on first-person fic and found more enjoyable third person fics. Some personal experiments discourage me to write while using first-person in fact. I’m recovering slowly and trying my best to put myself at work and end up some writing with first-person perspective !

13: do you read author’s notes usually?

Yes, I like to see if they want to share anything with us, readers. It may be anything, only a few words, but it may be important to their eyes. I try to pay attention to this, now that i write too.

14: what’s your favourite AU setting?

University AU. Or like, usually, anything that puts characters in a school context. I found it pretty funny and this can already give us some issues to develop through our characters.

15: do you usually leave comments on chapters/fics?

I try. To fics that gave me a big, big feelings/impressions. There is so much I want to say to writers but often I read fics really late and my brain isn’t able to work enough to give me a correct english. So mostly I tell myself I’ll come back tomorrow. And I forget too often, that’s a shame.

16: fix-it fics or au fics?

That’s a good question ! x) I’m gonna stay with au, though i really like fix-it fics because it is always soothing when you are able to rewrite what happens. Because often it hurts and it may be tragical and sometimes we wish we could do the same with the reality ... 

and then au fics is somehow directly thinking about another reality, ignoring what we know right now and totally change things and I love that. Absolutely amazing.

17: canon-compliant or canon, what canon?

Canon. It may seems weird for someone who just said prefering au fics but it’s just like this. I can’t really explained it to myself ...

18: have you ever read fics you would not confess to reading?

Once again, nope. I think many have their own likings and if reading that fic is a shame for someone, it is certainly not for somebody else. I often choose what I read before I read it, i don’t have in mind any fics i’m somehow ashamed to have read.

19: undercover au or college au?

Ooooh, undercover au sounds nice. I think I never wrote about it, i should try one day ! but i’m staying with college au.

20: what something that immediately makes you exit out of a fic?

a ship that i don’t like ? i may stay if the story is good but it makes me cringe a bit and my mind can’t stay focus on a damn thing. I’m somehow too loyal to my own ships, it’s annoying ... x)

Okay i’m tired and tomorrow I have class so I’m just gonna leave this like that, hoping I didn’t make too much grammatical errors and that I didn’t take too much of your time if you ever read this.

[aprilwritesabook]

I appolgize in advance for this long ass post haha.

Alright, so here's the deal. This post is gonna be part rant, part confessional, and part inspirational speech. So if your following this blog purely for the updates on my books you can skip it haha.

I know a currently published author. I used to kinda be friends with them in highschool, but it was more like a friend of a friend type deal. But I digress. Point is. They recently released there second book on Amazon. And I really wanna be happy and proud of them, and to see it as an inspirational thing, buuuuut I'm almost 100 sure they are actually a fraud?

And that's not me being bitter. I really really really wish this wasn't the case. But I have the evidence to back this theory up.

1- they claimed that there first book sold out multiple times. And to be fair this one might be at least partially true. Its rated pretty high on amazon, But then again they only have 4 people rate it and three of those people are the editor formattor and artist for the book. Soooo. Yeah I sure hope they rated it well.

2- they are constantly posting stories to there social media that are far fetched at best. They work in a bookstore. And almost every other week its a slightly diffrent story about a customer who "didn't even know" he was the author who would "burst into tears" the second he told them what the book was about because they were just Soooo touched by the message that they wept to a total stranger??? If that had happened even once it would have been an odd occurance. And this is something that apparently happens alllll the time to them. (I hate to drudge up old memes like this, but)

3- this person has recently made a tick tock and a youtube channel. And like, the content isssss questionable? And that's not necessarily a crime or anything. But they give updates about it on social media as if they are speaking to a mass of adoring fans and like...you can see how many subs and views a person has. We know he dosn't have a big fan base. And I know that sounds harsh. But like, some more gullible people have asked him for advise on how to be "successful" and "gain a following", and he answers them with authority. Like he has the answers even though he clearly dosn't? And that feels really... disingenuous at best?

4- along the same vein as 3. They recently made a post on twitter about how they are "overwhelmed by the amount of love and support they have found on the site" and how they get "some many heartfelt messages." Annnd again. I clicked the account. They literally have 5 followers. And not a SINGLE person has EVER liked, retweeted, or commented on a SINGLE tweet of theirs. Not one. Soooo like not only are you pretending to have a huge fan base that dosn't exist your also making up there engagement with you? Which this alone I feel brings validate to my doubts about the other things. Clearly they arn't above blatant lying and extreme over exaggeration. And also they either don't realize we can all seeeee these facts. Or they don't think anyone will actually check and call them on it ?????

Now there's a lot of other examples I could give. But my point isn't to put this ONE person on blast. I'm not trying to start beef or cause damage to their reputation or anything. Which is why I won't say their name or what there books are. The only way you'd know who I'm talking is if you also knew them in real life. In which case you either already know all this, or you should, so you don't fall victim to their lies.

The reason I'm saying any of this at all is because I think I know why they are doing it. And why so many indie authors or would be media mogels feel the need to do this.

The issue with trying to "build an audience" and "self market" yourself, is that you really only have 2 ways of guaranteed sucess.

You either need to have a pre established audience based on success you've already had in the past. (IE youtubers and movie stars writing successful books cause there fans will buy anything of there's reguardless.)

Or you need to buy your way in. Be it by quitting your day job to make social media your full time job, buying ads, hiring a social media person,or hiring a team of people with their own audiences (audio book narrators, cover artists, managers, ect)

And if you don't ALREADY have an audience, and you don't have the funds to BUY your way in, then your just gonna have to get real lucky.

You can be lucky for knowing somebody with an "in". They work in publishing, or advertising, or they're your rich uncle. Just someone who you can go to to get that boost one way or another to get one of the first two methods going for you.

You can get lucky by commenting the right thing on the right post and gaining followers that way. Or by being in the right place at the right time to meet somebody important.

You can be lucky by having lots of supportive friends and family who will promote you and your work FOR you.

Or lastly (and this is in the realm of being a one in a million case here. So it basically never happens without one of the other things I mentioned also being true.)

You can be lucky by working REALLY hard, and being REALLY talented, and having the world actually NOTICE YOU somehow? Just one person with influence who can find you in your dark hole of insignificance and shine a light on you so now the world can actually seee you.

And that sucks.

You could write the greatest book in the whole world. Truly a masterpiece. But if nobody buys it or reads it because they don't know who you are??? Then it dosen't matter does it?

It sucks Soooo hard.

Because untill you get those people with influence to shine a light on you, theres nothing you can do. And the market is soooooo drenched in new indie authors that the odds of the right people finding and liking your book are slim to none.

Its super unfair.

The people who have the influence arn't gonna buy a book with 0 reviews and no social media following.

Why? Because THEIR brand depends on only recommending the good shit. And they need to find that good shit NOW. If they read every book written by nobody's online, they'd have to wade through ALOT of garbage. wasting all their valuable time and money till they found something worthy. And honestly, from a business stand point, you cant really fault them for that

This is where the lies come from.

So basically no matter how you look at it, or what your strategy is, In order to get fans, you need to ALREADY HAVE THEM.

When your just starting out. And I mean truly at square one. It really feels like the only way to "make it" is to "fake it"

If you PRETEND to have a big following. And you PRETEND your books are selling really well already. And you PRETEND that people care deeply about you and your work... Then there is a chance that nobody will do the homework to find out its all a lie.

And if they think your successful already, then it sends a message to the consumers brains of "well they must be good. Everybody loves it/them".

It sucks that so many people who have found real success did so with lies, cash, and being already well connected.

And then they buy it, and they follow you, and the confirmation bias sets in, and eventually you'll dupe enough people into liking you that you don't HAVE to lie anymore.

Those of us with no cash and too high a conscious to lie our way to the top are left with virtually no chance of succeeding no matter how hard we work or how good our content is.

And I'm not claiming to be "better than" or "more worthy" than anyone else. I wanna make it clear that of your in the portion of having it fake it so you can follow your dreams then more power to you. Its a valid strategy. I hate that it works and I hate that its the only option sometimes. But I don't hate the people as creators for "doing what it takes." I get it. Really I do.

And it suckks major ass that so many people feel like this is the only way.

My whole point here. Is that we have slowly built a system where this is our reality. And honestly? End of the day? There's not a damn thing we can do to change it at this point.

In a perfect world made of unicorns and puppies. I could say "hey lets all go ready books by completely unknown authors. Be the change you wanna see in the world." But at the end of the day, especially in the unfiltered world of self publishing, It would be a complete shot in the dark to spend your resources on something completely unknown. We rely on word of mouth, and "best sellers" and high following to do the work of filtering out the bad stuff for us and it would be unrealistic if not impossible to go back on it now. Even if we wanted to there algorithms and shit built into the code. You'll never find the books that Amazon dosnt want you to find unless you search for it directly.

Now comes the confession/inspirational bit

I know all of the above to be true...But I'm choosing not to care

I'm not gonna lie my way to the top. I'm not gonna hide my struggles out of fear of seeming inferior. So here goes

I struggle a lot with depression and anxiety. I've been working on it, and I've gotten so much better in recent years. But there are always gonna be times when I slip up and my mental illnesses take over

When I was writing my first book I felt really empowered and good about myself for finally getting past all my own barriers and following my dreams.

And then once I was done writting and editing and I was ready to show the world and get feedback. I flopped.

I couldn't find anyone willing to beta read. Those who said they would do it (even people who claimed they "couldn't wait") ghosted me after I actually sent it to them

I was hoping to get 20 people. I really wanted it to be the best it could be. Only 11 actully signed up. Of that 11, 5 people actually read it: My spouse, my brother, my best friend, and 2 others. Those two others read the first bit I sent them, took a few weeks to get back to me, said they loved it, but then Neeeeeeeeever got back to me when I sent them the next chunk.

Now you can look at all that and come to the conclusion that it sucks. I know I sure did.

The struggles at each step made me doubt myself more and more to the point that I almost gave up writing all together.

And I didn't want to take about it or how it was making me feel, even though it was having a serious impact on me. I wanted to bottle it all up and let it consume me. Allllll because I didn't want people online to write me off as a failure before even giving me the chance.

I wasn't lying about being successful. I was just trying to hide the fact that I wasn't.

And that's almost as bad. Because then all the new authors just feel worse about themselves and their journey because they think they are the only ones.

Your not alone.

Everyone is struggling.

We just aren't talking about it.

I haven't written a word in over a week because I've been so afraid my second book will be dead on arrival like my first.

And I KNOW somewhere out there is someone just like me whose thinking of giving up.

Don't.

Just keep going.

Do your best. And then come find another struggling writer and share with each other. The world outside might not understand your struggle. But another author might.

We can't change the market. We can't change the way social media works, or how people decide if they will buy things

But what we CAN change, is whether those of us within the community want to be honest about our struggles and frustrations. Or if we want to hide them away and lie about them for the sake of making more sales

I think by being honest with one another we can create a better network.

That way the next time you feel like garbage for not being an "instant celebrity" like everyone else. you can look at the community and realize that you were never the problem

If we just keep making new writing friends our collective reach will eventually take hold in the outside world. Don't wait for a random influencer to notice you. Just make one friend at a time. Be known amongst your peers and maybe the rest will follow

And if your a writer desperate for feedback, or just a friend to share your troubles with. Hit me up. My inbox is always open.