#i wish i had saved it that tiktok lives in my head at all times

[azzifudd]

we just sort of get each other

paige bueckers x azzi fudd

summary: insp by an article an anon sent me that said paige was with azzi the whole day before her senior prom

rated: teen

1.3k words

disclaimer: many made up events obviously

Paige sits on the couch, leg propped up on a pillow, hands fidgeting with her phone. She opens Tiktok for a moment, but closes it after a few quick swipes, jiggling her healthy leg as she waits for Azzi to emerge from her bedroom.

She had been in there about an hour earlier, watching as the makeup artist worked on Azzi’s face. In her opinion, Azzi didn’t even need all that, but she had been clearly enjoying the full day of pampering. 

But when the makeup artist had complained for the third time that Azzi would not stop laughing at Paige’s antics, Katie had sent Paige out and shut the door behind her. 

Jose and Jon are playing Mario Kart, pushing at each other as their characters race around the track. 

“You wanna play, Paige?” Jose holds out one of the spare controllers to her.

“Nah, man, I’m good.” She stands up, grabbing her crutches and limping into the kitchen to grab a drink. She’s walking back into the living room when Azzi’s door finally opens. 

Paige turns eagerly at the sound of heels on the wooden floor and drops her bottle of Gatorade at the sight that greets her. 

The bottle thunks heavily against the floor. 

Azzi smiles shyly at her, one dimple peeking out. 

“How do I look?” 

Azzi looks…

Paige has no words. Paige has a million words. She can’t seem to pick her jaw up from where it has hit the floor. 

Paige is nearly breathless as she runs her eyes up and down Azzi’s body. 

She’s wearing a floor length dress, a silver shimmery thing with pink and blue tones throughout it that bares the skin of her chest and arms. A slit runs up one leg, exposing what appears to be miles of tan skin and toned muscle. 

Paige clears her throat, hoping she isn’t blushing as hard as it seems as her cheeks heat up. 

“You look..” She hesitates, unsure if anything she says can even measure up to the emotions that swell in her chest as she looks at Azzi. 

She’s saved from speaking as Azzi’s parents round the corner. Tim has his phone in outstretched hand as he approaches.

“Baby, you look amazing!” He snaps a few photos as Azzi poses. 

Paige stands back and watches as Azzi’s parents direct her in an impromptu photoshoot. Soon her little brothers are roped in to take photos with her, and before she knows it, Tim is gesturing for Paige to stand beside Azzi. 

“Aw, no I don’t want my crummy outfit to make her look bad.” She’s in a wrinkled AZ35 t-shirt and a pair of Nike pants, boot heavy around her ankle. At least she brushed her hair earlier instead of just throwing it into a messy ponytail. 

“Paige, please?” Azzi holds out a hand. 

Paige is at her left side before she even realizes it, hand wrapping around her waist as Azzi leans into her. 

Soon, Azzi has to leave to go take photos with her date James at the National Mall. The family all load into the car, but Paige stays behind because it’s a little too much walking for her ankle. 

But before Azzi can head out, Paige grabs her hand, holding her back until they’re alone in the house. Paige leans her crutches against the wall, and grasps Azzi by the hips, pulling her until their foreheads touch. 

“I wish I was the one taking you.” Paige says, her voice a whisper against Azzi’s lips. For a moment, Paige wishes things were different, that she was just a normal girl who got to take the girl she liked to prom. 

But if she was just a normal girl, she never would have met Azzi, and that’s not a world that Paige can bear to imagine.

“You look beautiful.” 

Azzi’s responding kiss feels like a ‘thank you’ and an ‘I’m sorry' all at once. They are interrupted by a loud honk from outside and Jon’s voice yelling for Azzi to hurry up. Paige’s lips are sticky with gloss. 

“Have the best night,” Paige says, and then Azzi’s out the door. 

***

Azzi has a good night. She does. She spends the night dancing and talking with friends and just having a normal high school experience, something that has become more and more rare as her high school career has developed. The pandemic had ruined so much of what she had hoped would be a perfect senior year, so she is grateful that prom at least has gone off without a hitch.

But as the night wears on, she can’t help but think of what was missing. James is handsome and charming; a dream prom date for so many girls. But he isn’t who Azzi wants. She wants the annoying, sweet, beautiful girl who is waiting for her at home. 

Surprisingly, none of her friends question her when she tells them she will be heading straight home after the dance, rather than hitting up the after party that nearly everyone else is going to. 

When she gets home, she finds her family finishing up a movie in the living room. Strangely, Paige is nowhere to be found. 

“Did you have a good night, honey?” 

“Yeah, it was a lot of fun.” She doesn’t elaborate. “Where’s Paige? Did she go back to her dad’s?” 

Her mom looks unsurprised at her question, smiling as she tilts her head toward their basement door. “She’s downstairs, waiting for you. Don’t change out of your dress yet.”

Azzi is a bit confused, but she heads downstairs anyway. She takes her time going down the stairs in her heels, watching her feet, and as she hits the last step, she realizes there is soft music playing. She looks up and finds the room lit only by what seems like dozens of candles interspersed throughout the room.

All the furniture has been pushed to the edges of the room, and standing at the center of the room is Paige. She is wearing a button up that looks just a bit too tight around her shoulders and a pair of black pants. A baby blue tie is loose around her neck, and Azzi knows when she gets close enough that she’ll be able to see how it brings out the color in Paige’s eyes. 

“I know it’s not the same as if we’d gotten to go together, but I got us these. 

When she gets within arms reach, Azzi notices that Paige is holding a plastic box. She pops it open to reveal a beautiful corsage, pink and vibrant with a matching boutonniere. 

Azzi can’t stop herself from reaching out to hold Paige’s face in her hands and kissing her. Paige smiles against her lips.

“You like it?” She asks, laughing when Azzi nods and kisses her again.

With gentle hands, Paige slides the flower onto Azzi’s wrist and she stands still as Azzi returns the favor, pinning hers to her chest with shaky fingers. 

“Can I have this dance?” Paige loops her arms around Azzi’s waist, pulling her even closer.

“Will your ankle be okay?” Azzi asks, bringing her arms up around Paige’s shoulders. 

“Yeah,” Paige shrugs. “I asked during PT this morning, and they said swaying was okay.” 

“Then let’s sway.” Azzi giggles, pressing their foreheads together as they move gently to the music. 

“Did you have fun tonight?” 

“Mmhm.” Azzi nods. “I missed you though. I always miss you.” 

“Just a few more months and we’ll be together all the time.” 

“You won’t get tired of me?” Azzi scratches at the back of Paige’s neck, smiling as Paige’s eyes flutter and she leans into the touch. 

“Never.” Paige makes sure to look Azzi right in the eyes, her own piercing and honest. 

Azzi twists a hand into Paige’s tie, pulls her in, and kisses her and kisses her. 

[soursturniolo]

Anger and Apologies

Pairing - Chris Sturniolo/Reader

Summary - After a bad day, Chris snaps at you. Later, he tries to fix it.

Tags/CW - Chris being a dick for a minute, then being a bit clueless, reader sad and crying, Nick and Matt being good bros but also caring about the reader

Requested? - yes! hope you like it anon 🖤

Chris had been in a bad mood all day. He didn’t sleep well, his breakfast upset his stomach, he didn’t eat lunch, his dinner had been made wrong and was cold at the restaurant you all went to, he had a headache, and was just feeling not good. He didn’t really feel like being around people, but had made plans with you and his brothers and didn’t want to back out. So, here he was, in the living room with all of you.

You had picked up on this, as Chris wasn’t the best at hiding his emotions. You had checked in quietly a couple times with him, to which he just said he was fine with a tight smile. But you wanted to see one of those real, 1000 watt smiles of his. Smiles always make everyone feel better. So you tried to crack some jokes, which made his brothers cackle, but barely got a smirk out of chris. You didn’t give up though.

You then went the route of showing him some funny tiktoks, but soon that proved to be a bad idea. On the third TikTok you showed him, he snapped at you loudly, grabbing the attention of his brothers who had been engrossed in their own conversation.

“God, can you just shut up and leave me alone?! You’re so fucking annoying! I’m not in the mood to watch stupid ass tiktoks.” He yelled as he got up from the couch, walking off to his room and slamming the door, leaving you shocked. Your face flushed with shame and embarrassment as tears welled in your eyes. He never yelled at you before, and all you were trying to do was to make him feel better. While you sat there embarrassed and surprised, nick jumped up and walked briskly after him, hollering that he couldn’t just speak to you like that. However, he was met with Chris slamming his bedroom door in his face and the subtle click of the lock.

You swallowed the lump in your throat as you pocketed your phone and stood up, wiping your now clammy hands on your pants and looking down, not meeting Matt’s concerned gaze that you could feel on you.

“I, um-“ you clear your throat, “I think I’m gonna go home. I’m sorry,” you pause, sniffling a bit before you swallow again and roughly wipe away the stubborn tears that you wish would stop, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset him, I was just-“

Matt can’t stand to hear your unnecessary apology shaking his head and standing with you.

“Hey, it’s okay. He was out of line, you did nothing wrong here,” matt tells you softly, before checking his phone, “it’s 2 am, it’s pretty late. You could stay if you’d want? You can stay in my room, I’ll sleep out here? Or I can drive you home?” He offers.

“No I’ll just drive myself home, I drove here so,” you say again, still sniffling.

Matt frowns at your response, looking worried and not relieved like you thought he’d be. Why wouldn’t he want you to just go? It would probably save him some awkwardness in the house tonight?

“I’d feel better if you stayed or let me drive you. You’re upset, and it’s not good to drive when you’re emotional especially when you can avoid it. You’re not just Chris’s girlfriend, you’re our friend and I wouldn’t be a good friend if I let you out into what could be a dangerous situation,” he explains, softly.

“Okay. Can you take me home, please?” You ask and he gives you a small smile and nods.

“Yeah I can,” he says grabbing his keys off the stand and walking you out to his car.

You got into the passenger side and were immediately hit with a big whiff of Chris’s cologne since this was the seat he normally sat in. The smell normally comforted you but instead just made you even more sad. You felt tears well up again as you began to cry openly now, making matt turn to you with a sad and concerned look from the drivers seat after starting the car.

“I’m sorry,” he tells you, rubbing your shoulder comfortingly.

After hearing the car start up out front, Nick came running out the front door, surprising you when he opened one of the rear doors and jumped in.

“Whats going on?” Nick asks, slightly out of breath from running out to you both.

“She wanted to go home, but I don’t want her driving while she’s so upset so I’m going to drive her,” Matt explains, and you nod, wiping away tears.

“Babe, I’m so sorry about Chris. He was way out of line and took his shitty mood out on you, which isn’t okay,” Nick tells you, looking remorseful.

“It’s okay,” you say softly, voice quiet.

“It’s really not,” Matt tells you.

“You guys don’t have to take my side in this, I was annoying him and he’s your brother and I don’t want to cause a fight or make things hard,” you explain to them, not wanting to cause problems. The two brothers quickly shake their heads.

“We’re not taking sides. Yes, Chris is our brother, we love him unconditionally and always will, but that doesn’t mean we just ignore when he’s a dick. We can love him, but still hold him accountable and care about how he treats you,” Nick explains, the voice of reason.

“Yeah, you’re important to us, too” Matt says in agreement.

You smile tearfully at the two men with you, you heart feeling a bit better than it did a minute ago. Chris had your heart, but his two brothers were also incredibly important to you, and it did feel better to know they weren’t about to just drop you or turn their back on you when you and Chris weren’t seeing eye to eye.

“Thank you guys,” you say to them, your tears coming to a stop.

They both give you small smiles and you all buckle up before Matt pulls out of the driveway to drive you home to your apartment.

Matt dropped you off and made his way back to their house. Upon arriving home, both brothers went in with the intention of having a serious conversation with their youngest brother, but decided against it when they found him in a deep sleep in his bed.

The night passed quickly and quietly. Chris awoke to rays of sunlight peaking through his blinds. He let out a sigh as he stretched, feeling good and well rested, before rolling over on his side and patting the surface of the bed, searching. His eyebrows furrowed together as he found just cold sheets, and no you. He opened his eyes, blinking a few times as he realized he was alone. Figuring you were up with his brothers already, he made his way into the kitchen, to only find Matt and Nick, both greeting him silently with serious looks on their faces.

“Where is she?” Chris asked confused, looking around expecting you to come out from somewhere.

“She went home last night,” Nick said blandly.

Chris’s jaw came open. You had left? He knew he had snapped at you, but he really didn’t think it was that big of a deal. So, he raised his voice a bit? It happens. He had expected to just go to his room to cool off for a bit last night, but fell asleep waiting for you to join him. He had assumed you’d come to his room eventually, not that you’d just leave?

“Why?” Chris found himself asking.

“You really don’t know?” Matt asked with a scoff and shake of his head in disapproval.

Chris returned a scoff and shrugged.

“So I got irritated and raised my voice a bit,” he said with an awkward laugh. At this both his brothers shook their heads in disagreement.

“You didn’t just ‘raise it a bit’, bro. You yelled at her like you yell at us sometimes. You told her to shut up, called her annoying, called the tiktoks she was trying to make you cheer up with stupid, and then stormed away,” Matt said, voice colored with his disapproval.

“Not just that, but you yelled at her like that in front of us. Not only did you completely disrespect her and treat her like shit when all she wanted to do was make you smile a bit, you embarrassed her, Chris.” Nick said sadly. He was disappointed with his youngest brother, but also saddened that you had been treated that way, by this brother of all people.

Chris swallowed dryly. To be honest, he hadn’t remembered exactly what he said to you. He knew he had been rude, but didn’t know he had went to that extreme, or that his brothers had even noticed. He was just at the end of his rope last night, but he knew that was no excuse.

“Did she make it home alright?” Chris asked quietly, feeling shame and embarrassment, similar to how he now knew you probably felt due to him last night.

“Yeah, I drove her back and made sure she got in safe,” Matt answers as he takes a sip of his water.

“Why did you drive her? Is her car okay?” Chris asked, making matt roll his eyes.

“Her car is fine, dumbass. She was crying and upset and I didn’t want her on the road like that,” Matt explains.

“She was crying?” Chris asks quietly, a lump forming in his own throat.

“Yeah, she was.” Nick says, leaving it at that.

Chris’s hands come up to his hair, pushing it all back nervously. He’d really fucked up. Not only was he mean, he actually had really yelled at you, embarrassed you, and made you cry to the point his brothers had to get you home because you were so upset. And he had been unaware, asleep in his room, not affected until this morning. He swallowed dryly, looking up to his brothers to see their sad gazes on him. They both felt bad for Chris. They knew he could be a good boyfriend. He was always great with you, so kind and sweet. Last night was an outlier in his track record of behavior regarding you.

“She’s getting an Uber here to get her car. She’ll be here in 5 minutes. I wasn’t supposed to tell you but you need to fix this. She’s too good to let go, Chris,” Nick tells him softly.

Chris feels some hope bubble up in his chest. As he turns to make his way to the front door, Matt calls out to him.

“Hey, but before you go out and fix this, just know, if you ever treat her like that again, I’ll kick your ass man. Love you, but I’ll kick your ass,” Matt tells him, laughing but his voice holding a serious edge to it. Nick nods in agreement.

Chris smiles despite the threat and nods.

“If I ever do some stupid shit like this again, that’s fine,” he tells them simply before rushing out to the front door.

As he walked up to wait by your car, your Uber pulled up. You sighed to yourself seeing Chris out front waiting for you, but honestly weren’t surprised. Nick always liked to try to fix things when he could, so it wasn’t a shock to know he had told Chris you were coming.

You got out of the Uber, thanking the driver before gently shutting their car door and waving as they drove away. Chris frowned as he took in your appearance. You were in sweats and an old sweatshirt of his you had from him borrowed long ago. It was one he knew you to wear when he couldn’t be there and you were sad, because you told him once it felt like a hug from him when you couldn’t get one yet. It hurt him to know he was the reason you had put it on. Your eyes were red rimmed and a pit puffy still from crying, making his heart ache. He’d never made you cry before, and to still see the after effects meant he had really made you cry.

“I’m just grabbing my car, is all,” you say softly and timidly, fiddling with the keys in your hand and looking down.

Chris frowns at your timid demeanor, but knows it’s his own fault.

“Can we talk?” He asks you softly

You look up and meet his eyes reluctantly, nodding and nervously biting your lip.

“Yeah,” you answer.

“Baby, I’m really sorry about last night. I wasn’t feeling good but that’s no excuse. I was a complete dick and mean to you and you didn’t deserve that,” Chris says, voice full of remorse and regret.

You frown and look down, playing nervously with your keys again.

“It’s okay, I should’ve left you alone when I realized you weren’t feeling good,” you say softly, but Chris shakes his head, not liking that you’re letting this go so easily when it’s clear to him that he really hurt you.

“It’s not okay. You were just trying to help me. I love you for that, always. I was an ass. That’s on me and me only. You’re never annoying, the tiktoks weren’t stupid, and I should have never told you to shut up. I’m really sorry, and I hope you can forgive me. It’ll never happen again, I promise you.”

A small smile graces your lips at the words from Chris. You could tell he was being genuine and truly felt horrible for how he had acted and treated you, and you had no doubt that he would do better and this wouldn’t happen again. Chris was always a man of his word, and meant what he said.

“I forgive you, just next time try to just talk to me. There’s no need to yell or storm off. We can just talk.” You explain, setting a boundary. Chris nods in agreement and holds his arms out to you, giving an opening for a hug. You walk up to him, wrapping your arms snugly around his waist, pressing your head against his chest. Chris wraps his arms around you tightly in return, pressing a kiss to the top of your head. You stand in the driveway holding each other for a few moments before pulling back. Chris takes your hand in his softly and leads you up the drive and into their house. From the couch, you see Nick and Matt peak their heads up, looking at both of you and smiling when they see your calm expressions and hands held together.

“Everything okay, love birds?” Nick asks. You both nod and hug again.

“Gross.” Matt jokes, but smiles all the same.

You all laugh, happy and carefree.

“What do you want to do today?” Chris asks you as you walk further into the living room. You turn and look up at him.

“Could we lay in bed and cuddle? I didn’t sleep the best last night…” you voice trails off again, cheeks flushing at the admittance. Last night was full of tears and tossing and turning for you.

Chris’s face softens again and he tugs you to him, wrapping you up in his warm embrace again.

“Of course, baby, I’m so sorry. Let’s go to bed,” he whispers, kissing your head and letting you lead the way to his room.

You both get into his bed and under the covers quickly, and immediately you find yourself wrapped up in his embrace. Your head rested on his chest, his arms holding you around your waist as he tangled your legs together. You let out a soft and content sigh as you snuggled in, making Chris chuckle quietly.

“Go to sleep, I’ll be here when you wake up,” he says. You lean up to kiss his lips softly, both of you smiling into the kiss. You pull back and snuggle back down in his embrace, being lulled to sleep by a tune Chris was humming to you as he played with the ends of your hair.

[xavviquz]

♥︎ he loves you, he loves you not. ♥︎ satoru gojo x gn!reader

warnings // angsty, emotionally unavailable gojo, blood, gojo hcs, probably a lot of hurt, short

notes // i wrote this because of that stupid scene in jjk i keep seeing all over my tiktok fyp.. i also have had this idea at like the back of my head for a while and ive been meaning to post something like this! i hope it reaches everyones expectations, and if you guys want, i could write this out and make it an actual fanfic. just leave a comment or ask! ♡ wc: 317

synopsis: he loves you dearly, but he doesnt have the right words to express it.

em. unavailable!gojo who always puts work before your needs always. even if its something so simple, gojo leaves with a single phone call of them needing him.

em. unavailable!gojo who cant openly speak up about his feelings and whats bothing him because hes afraid he’ll lash out and say things that he doesnt mean.

em. unavailable!gojo that doesnt truly care if you’re dying, aslong as he saves the lives of as many people as he can. gojo vowed to himself to not care for anyone so deeply for again. he learned his lesson one too many times to make that same mistake again.

em. unavailable!gojo who cries in your arms randomly throughout the day but never states his reasons why.

em. unavailable!gojo who hates it when you depend on him. as much as gojo loves you, as much as he loves it when you feel comforted around him, he cant stand the fact that you expect anything of him. for gojo to be loving, sweet, upbeat, always physically and mentally there was all out of the picture.

em. unavailable!gojo who panicks at every decision when it comes to life or death. as selfish as he is, he always choses to save a certain selection of people even if many were dying. even you. who gojo stated he wouldn’t save if it meant the lives of thousands of other people.

em. unavailable!gojo who grips onto your side of the bed when you’re out grocery shopping. he cries at every moment, thinking of all the bad that could happen to you just from being gone.

em. unavailable!gojo who watches you as you crumble to his feet, smiling as tears swell into your eyes. you can barely hear out of your ears, and your intestines are completely seeping out. gojo’s eyes widened as you mouth the words he wishes he would hear from your silky smooth voice. “i love you.”

➡︎ pt.2 //

a/n: please consider reblogging, liking, and commenting recommendations!

ⓒ 2024 xavviquz - dont copy, repost, or modify

[awniie]

BIG BABY W/CHOSO

ʚ content: fem!reader, reader takes care of sick choso, reader wishes boyfriends spends more time with her, fluff ⠂°⠄🕯

ʚ summary: your bf choso loves being your big baby when he’s sick (all the time) ˎˊ˗

ʚ note: i want choso to be my big baby ♡

You were sitting on the couch in the living room of your apartment. You’d been stationed there for hours, mindlessly scrolling on tiktok and instagram. You hadn’t done anything productive all day, not a great way to start off the new year but you’ll save that train of thought for another time. You didn’t want to be lazy alone, in fact you were supposed to spend the day rotting with your boyfriend, Choso Kamo.

Only a couple more minutes you thought, checking your messages app, waiting a text that would said “I’m here!”. You were supposed to be binge-watching the new season you and your boyfriend’s favorite historical drama at 5:30. Season 4 had just released and you were dying to start it now, but choso made you promise that you wouldn’t start it until he got back from visiting his brother Yuji who had just gotten a cold. “Please baby,” he’d beg you, tying the laces of his black prada boots. “I promise I’ll be back soon and we’ll watch it together.” You gave him an overdramatic sigh and pouted, to which he responded with a peck on your temple. You turned your head up go meet his lips to yours, drawing him into a deeper, more desperate kiss.

"Just be patient, okay? T's only for a couple hours." Choso whined as he pulled himself away from your lips. You couldn’t help but smile a little, you loved his whines, but right now what you’d love even more is for him to just postpone his 3rd visit to Yuji’s this week. You understand he was sick, but Choso was always at his brothers place. “I already lost my brothers before, I’m not trying to lose anymore.” He’d tell you matter-of-factly whenever you had something to say about his visits. You’d understand, to a degree, but sometimes he would come back home all sleepy-eyed and exhausted and you knew he probably spent a majority of his time fretting over his more-then-capable younger brother. You’d just wish he’d rely on you more instead of always trying so responsible.

But that was hours ago, and your boyfriend swore he’d been here in only a couple minutes. You stretch and pull up your black spandex shorts you’d been wearing along with a pink cropped hoodie from garage. ‘This boy better hurry up, or else I’m just gonna start it without him.’ You’d thought, fingers reaching towards the remote that had been waiting allllll day to be picked up.

Suddenly, and thank the Lord, you heard keys jingling from the outside door of your apartment, and heard the familiar sounds of the turning knob. You practically leaped out off the chair you’d been lounging on, and ran over to give your boyfriend the biggest, tightest hug. (Mostly for making you wait all day.) But when you wrapped your arms around choso’s muscular frame, You could feel how warm his body was, how shaky he was and the distinct smell of sickness.

“Cho’ are you okay-?” You questioned, slowly peeling your chest away from his so you could get a better look at him. His hair was coming undone, the spiky buns now loosened and practically gone. His eyes were somehow more heavy then usually and you noticed he was shivering a little.

“Mhm, I’m f-fine baby, jus’ a little tired. Can we go lay down on the couch, please?” Choso answered. He tried to keep his voice steady but it was obvious how pitiful he appeared. You led him down unto the couch, sitting him upright and draping him with the blanket. You placed your hand on your forehead, and almost gasped at how hot he was.

“Cho, you’re burning up, did Yuji get you sick?” You asked, while standing up from the couch and going to the kitchen. Ibuprofen wouldn’t heal any sickness, but I’d get rid of his fever at least. Choso started to follow after you, sniffling and breathing heavy. “No no, no. You stay there. You clearly sick, lemme grab you some medicine.” He indignantly continued after you. “‘M not sick. I’m just a little chilly, that’s all.”

“Yeah, okay whatever you said.” You retorted, grabbing the pill bottle from your white cabinet and shaking out two umber colored pills. You moved away from the counter, noticing your boyfriend seemingly disappeared. “Cho’ where’d you go-“ you cut off as you foot hit something large and definitely out of place. Your 5’9 boyfriend was on the floor curled up into a little ball, shivering and sniffling under the blanket. “Oh my goodness Cho- Okay let’s bring you back to the couch.” You instructed, awkwardly lifting him off the hardwood floors and back unto the couch. Now he was back on the upholstery, but he still needed his medicine. “Okay, Choso. I’m gonna need you to open your mouth so you can take this medicine, okay? It’s gonna make you feel a whole lot better.” You coaxed, brushing the escaped tendrils of hair from his heated face.

“Nooo, ‘M good. Don’t worry about me.” he mumbled, still a shaky, pathetic mess. You groaned at his stubbornness. “Cmon Cho. You’re obviously sick so can you please just take it.” In your hand were the pills and a glass of water that he clearly didn’t wanna take. He frowned and closed his eyes, refusing to take the medication. He was acting like a spoiled toddler, expression pouty and fake. “Choso. Stop acting like a baby and just take it, it’s just a pill!” You urged, not noticing the edge in your voice, but he did. He took that medicine so fast, gulping the water to chase it down. You smiled, even though were shocked at his sudden change in disposition. Deciding to give your boyfriend a reward, you gift him a smooch on the nose, brushing more hair out of his face. “Good boy, see that wasn’t so bad. Now you’ll feel so much better.” You promised. You sat yourself right next to him, allowing him to rest his head on your shoulders.

For the rest of the week, you were both surprisingly happy. Your boyfriend was finally getting some well needed rest, and you got to watch the new episodes of your show together (he didn’t have much a choice with you padding after him everywhere). Choso never knew how much he’d enjoy being the not responsible one for a change. You were making sure he ate, checking up on him, kissing and loving on him. He was hungry for the praises that seemed to come out of you with much more proficiently now that he was succumbed to illness. You followed him constantly, and he secretly loved the fussing and attention. He’d definitely had to catch a cold more often. Of course, he was still protective older brother to Yuji, but your boyfriend Choso loved being your big baby. ♡

[heejayy]

New Roomie

Warning: MDNI, there’s really no plot just 2 horny roommates, slow beginning, perverted roommate, vulgar language, oral, unprotected sex (sort of)

Genre: Smut

Pairing: Roommate! Anton x black reader

Word Count: 1.6k

A/n: listen…if this is trash I’m so sorry I haven’t written smut in over a year this took me a good minute 💀

You recently moved in with someone to save money, and he appeared to be a normal person. He was introverted, never said much, and spoke gently. It was almost like you were living alone. The more you adjusted to your new home, the more comfortable you became; but, as much as you enjoyed the peace and quiet, you wished to have some form of relationship with your roommate. So, to build a connection, you try making cheesy tteokbokki and ramen from a recipe you saw on tiktok.

As the aroma spread throughout the apartment, he came from his room with his hair tossed and drowsy eyes.

"Hi sleepy head, you hungry?" His eyes widened, almost as if he was stunned you had spoken to him.

"N-no thank you I just-"

"Nonsense, I made enough for the both of us," you said, taking a bowl and filling it with noodles before topping it off with tteokbokki.

"Um, but be aware that I got this recipe from TikTok and I'm not sure if I made it correctly," you said nervously, handing him the bowl. He grinned and said a thank you. You rocked back and forth on your heels, waiting patiently for him to taste it; as he slurped the noodles, he smiles.

"Is it good?" You asked nervously, and he nodded.

"Yeah, thank you." You sighed and nodded, "It was my first time cooking something out of my comfort zone, so I played it safe and chose ramen. Um...I wanted to do something nice so that we could bond and become friends, you know?” He strolled over to the cabinets, nodding and smiling. He reached up to the top shelf and pulled a glass out; you stared at him as his muscles twitched slightly in his muscles tank. Anton has an appealing figure for someone who is gentle and silent. But before he noticed you watching, you jerked your gaze away and cleared your throat.

After you made the first step to create a friendship between you two, everything seemed to be going well. Anton began to loosen up and become more open; he even spent some evenings in your room watching movies. You discovered he used to be on the swim team in high school, which explains why you enjoy glancing at his wonderfully formed body so much.

Tonight was Friday, and you two quickly agreed that Friday nights would be movie nights, with you both agreeing to binge watch the Twilight series. You had all night to consume junk food and dispute over whether team was superior, Jacob's or Edward's. You swiftly entered the pin code on the door, smiling eagerly.

"Anton! I am back with the snacks; please help me set up!" You called for him, but received no response. It seemed strange, but you disregarded it thinking maybe he was in the shower. You placed the bags on the counter and proceeded down the hallway to Anton's room. You gently knocked on his door many times before asking for him again; you waited for a response but only heard faint grunts.

"Anton?" You tested the door handle, and it was open, so you simply walked in.

"Anton I- OH MY GOSH!" The image before you causes your eyes to almost pop out of your skull.

Anton was jacking off, clutching his t-shirt between his teeth and a pair of your pink lace underwear, which you realized had gone missing weeks before.

Anton panicked and grabbed his blanket, covering it over his bare lower half. "I- i- can explain I'm- I'm sorry I'm so sorry !" His face was flushed red from shame, with a light layer of sweat glistening on his brow. You're not sure whether to be creeped out or turned on. You stood there for a solid minute trying to organize your thoughts, but you couldn't because you were captivated by the print sticking out from under the blanket.

Before you could think about it, you said, "You need some help?" As if his face couldn't get any more red, it did.

"I-" you walked up to his bed and pulled down the sheet, revealing his throbbing dick with his pink tip oozing pre cum. You gulped deeply, taking in his size; he's not too enormous, but larger than you imagined.

He looks at you with pleading eyes begging you to help him.

“Come here cutie,” he eagerly slid to the edge of the bed as you simultaneously lowered yourself to your knees. You took him in your hands and started slowly pumping him up and down his eyes feverishly rolled to the back of his head with a small whimper leaving his lips.

“Y- y/n please.”

“Please what? Hm?“ you teased feeling a little cocky.

"Please go f-faster." You hummed following what he said. As you jacked him off, his chest rose and fell, his breathing rough as he tried not to be too loud. "That feel good?" You inquired, looking up at him innocently. He nodded, unable to construct a complete sentence. You hummed slowly down; you didn't want him to get off with simply a hand job, and you wanted to experiment a little.

You'd never given a head to anyone before, but tonight you wanted to try. You carefully took him into your mouth, and his head immediately dropped back in extreme ecstasy. His hand made its way to your braids, grasping them to make a ponytail. His grip was solid as he slowly pushed your head down; you gagged and tried to get up for air, but he drove you back down. Your eyes welled up with tears, but the way his groans became louder with each suck and gag compelled you to keep going. The sound of him groaning your name caused you to tighten your thighs together.

"F-fuck I'm close," you said as you felt his hips buck forwards and his grasp on your hair tighten, followed by the sensation of warm liquid shooting down your throat. Anton noted your gag reflex due to the strange taste.

"You can spit it out if you want," he suggested, but you refused to and swallowed it. It tasted sour but sweet, which confused your tastebuds, but it wasn't horrible. As you wiped the corner of your mouth, he reached down to brush away the stray tears.

"Come 'ere," you nodded, listening as you crept onto the bed, resting on your elbows as he towered above you. Anton grabbed you under your thighs, dragging you towards him, and yanked your leggings off, discarding them on the floor. He positioned himself near your entrance and began to tease you with his tip, but before he entered, he paused and glanced at you.

"I- I don't have a condom," he confessed, looking at you with those large doe eyes. You chuckled, "It's okay, I'm on birth control." Without asking why, he took that as a green light and gently entered, issuing a faint sigh. You winced slightly, and he took note and stopped moving.

“You alright? Does it hurt?”

"A little bit, but it's okay, keep going," he said. It was unpleasant at first, but once you got used to it, it started to feel amazing. You could see he was nervous because his thrusts were harsh and uncoordinated, but as he went on, he swiftly got the hang of it. Your panting and grabbing for the covers gave him confidence that he was doing something right.

He tightened his grip, pressing his hips into yours, and the vulgar noises of your bodies meeting and moaning rang off the walls. "F-fuck Anton right there," you sobbed, squeezing around him. "Right there?" you nodded in agreement. One of his hands slid up your body, grabbing one of your breasts. Anton was hitting exact spot where you wanted him and playing with your nipples, which was driving you insane. Your eyes were closed so tightly you could see stars, and your back arched off the bed as your hands pressed against his abdomen.

"I'm close," you sigh, reaching down between your legs to play with your swelling clit. Your moans grew louder with each thrust, and when you came on him, your body shook and your eyes rolled to the back of your head. While attempting to come down from your high, his breathing became faster as he continued, his thrusts became sloppier, and his moans became louder. Anton drove into you with a few more thrusts before collapsing on you and caught himself on his elbows. You admired his pretty features as he panted wildly, struggling to catch his breath. You always thought Anton was extremely attractive.

While thoughts of Anton ran around in your head, your gaze fell on his plump and soft lips, and you leaned forward to kiss him. You took him by surprise, but he swiftly followed your lead.

He cupped your face, deepening the kiss, as if he was enjoying it so much that he forgot you both needed to breathe. You pulled away, struggling for air. "Gimme a second," you chuckled. He smiled and rolled away from you to the side.

"What was all this for?" He asked shyly.

"I don't know…" you responded, reverting to your bashful ways. "I've always found you attractive so I decided to shoot my shot."

He laughed, "You decided to shoot your shot like that?" You slapped his bare chest, "Shut up, and how about you? Why do you have my panties?" The room fell silent as Anton's face turned red.

"Let's not talk about that," you giggle, "you can have more if you want; just ask." You reach over to kiss his cheek before getting out of bed and heading to the restroom. You paused in the bathroom doorway before turning to him and asking, "Wanna join me?" Anton nodded without hesitation, chasing you into the bathroom.

©heejayy 2024 — any reposts or translations of my works are strictly prohibited unless granted permission.

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia

I'm so sorry you've been experiencing difficulties recently. I'm sending all my love and light your way and hope you start to feel a little less shitty soon.

P.s - Do you mind sharing your tiktok so we can follow you there too? Or is it a private acc?

Lots of love to you <3

It's not private! It's just not updated very often. Overall I'm more active on Instagram. But neither are private. The Tiktok is very art-focused so it might not be what you're looking for. But it's also pretty harmless overall.

And thank you anon <3

The last few days I had to stop writing and like...quickly redo my schedule for December and cut it back a little, which always makes me sad, but I'm trying to conserve my mental health as well as my physical. I realised I met all the criteria for a pretty serious depressive episode late last week (I have, alongside severe PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, which is the one that will kill me if I don't keep an eye on it -> though I'm happy to report I'm not like in a very like 'I don't want to live' space right now, I can just tell I'm feeling / experiencing a lot of the red flags that go in that direction), and if I don't act now, that tends to lead to pretty bad places.

So I've redone the schedule for December and that will come out likely on Friday or Saturday. And then I'll only be posting during January for half of the month, and not the whole month, and taking off two weeks re: posting. Hopefully these are the sorts of things which will head off me needing to go into hiatus because I desperately don't want to do that <3

I can already tell I'm doing a little better after being a lot firmer with some boundaries, and also just...with myself re: taking more time off. I wish I didn't feel so guilty about it? But that's not anyone's fault here, that's shit to work on with my therapist/s, lol.

Today I spent around 3 hours researching a response to an ask (whoops), and then realised - not through any one person's actions but a bunch at once - that I need to kind of stop engaging with facecast stuff (nothing wrong with facecasting, the problem is wholly on me there and I wish I'd seen that sooner and saved people some pain and saved me from some rudeness).

I put away the shopping (we have a really good grocery delivery system here which is great for my disabilities etc.), and had some raspberries, and put on the Christmas tree lights.

I was so tired at lunch that I could only manage a bowl of cereal (and couldn't eat breakfast. I think my therapist would be like 'why are you putting three hours of research into responding to something instead of focusing on eating food' but well, whoops? Lol. To be fair I thought it would be way easier to answer, but Tumblr's search function is SO broken).

I fed my wonderful cat, Maybe, and got some sleep in the afternoon and then did some writing (1,200 words) on Palmarosa. It's like 7.00pm right now, and I'm going to put up some chapter commentaries on Patreon and Ream.

Tonight I might do some watercolour art, and I'm hoping to finish Palmarosa tomorrow.

December is actually a hard time of year for me anyway. It's the month that has the most chronological / time-based triggers, and my therapists know this and I'm hearing a lot of 'how are you in the lead up to December' which is about to become 'how are you coping with December.'

I'm grateful for small pleasures. Like my dahlias are looking pretty awesome right now. Here's some photos of this week (some art I'm working on, Maybe being cute, or screm, dahlia, Christmas set up, T-Rex ornament, Santa Platypus ornament):

[charlotlie]

i’m procrastinating studying for my finals & ive been on marauders & aftg tiktok for too long so here it is: my take on the aftg characters as taylor swift songs

- neil: you’re on your own kid (the neil josten anthem, especially the bridge), getaway car (I SWEAR IM NOT TRYING TO BE FUNNY), snow on the beach (tbh i always see this as an andreil song, but it’s just like: neil had never expected to fall for andrew or even trust him in the beginning, so the fact that they’re even falling? fucking weird. also, the line, “you wanting me, tonight, feels impossible” like the idea of someone wanting to touch him without wanting to hurt him ahshajsgs)

- andrew: daylight (just listen), anti-hero (this could very well apply to all the foxes, but the line, “i wake up screaming from dreaming // one day i’ll watch as you’re leaving // cause you got tired of my scheming” seems to be his perspective on nearly all of his relationships), evermore (for me, this song is largely about depression and, tbh, i’ve been reading too many andrew character studies lately, and “that this pain would be for evermore” hurts SO bad when you’re thinking about him. then the song develops, and ends with, maybe this pain isn’t forever. im gonna write a fic on this i swear.)

- aaron: delicate (“my reputation’s never been worse so, you must like me for me” him & katelyn after the whole drake incident im crying so hard😭😭)

- nicky: paper rings (him & erik 🤭, like they are the cute love songs in my head)

- dan: the man, gorgeous (so like,,, dan didn’t like matt at first, right? was annoyed at him a lot, didn’t think he was all that — so she was also very annoyed when she started noticing him and liking him and kinda being attracted to him so i just imagine this song as dan’s drunken confession to matt about how frustrated she is with him and matt’s just smiling at her and it makes her even more frustrated bcs how is he so pretty), sweet nothing

- matt: lover (“and at every table.. i’ll save you a seat, loveeeeer” asfgsgsgs), king of my heart (“and we rule the kingdom inside my room” —> i so imagine dan and matt having the stupidest fun with each other and that feels like listening to this song, like you’re not really part of the inside joke. also, dan is definitely the queen of matt’s heart :))

- allison: the last great american dynasty (she had a marvellous time ruining everything), i know places (headcanon: after renee confesses to her, they slip away for a weekend to just be with the two of them to hide themselves away from everyone else for now), i wish you would (about seth, in this case.)

- renee: new romantics (she could build a castle from all the bricks they threw at her), peace (about how the danger lives in her, how she can never truly bring peace because she doesn’t feel like she can, but still “would it be enough, if i could never give you peace?” she hopes to be enough and tries to make up for her past by caring 4 others ajahhshshs i love her sm), dress (“i don’t want you like a best friend” her confession to allison please 😫)

- kevin: right where you left me (kevin day, the epitome of the freeze ptsd response, always stuck where he in where he was), the great war (“there’s no morning glory, it was war, it wasn’t fair” makes me think of him and jean after riko died)

- jean: epiphany (listen to this while thinking of him istg im crying), exile (“you’re not my hometown anymore, so what am i defending?” about kevin😭), gold rush (jerejean conflict so good, i need new fics)

[the-vex-archives]

Formula 1 Masterlist (2024)

General

Blurb

"RANDOM NSFW THOUGHTS I'VE HAD ABOUT F1 DRIVERS" (18+)

@issdisgrace

(No Summary Provided)

Max Verstappen

Fics

"Into The Arms of Another" Part 2 Final Part ( Social Media AU )

@astonmartinii

After Charles leaves her out in the cold, y/n falls into the arms of another.

Oneshots

"Waking Up In Vegas"

@bad268

Chaotic wins mean forgotten proposals and spontaneous marriages.

"from mate to love"

@shaarlslec

In which you pretend to despise each other as teammates when in fact none of you does so.

"Terrible Two" ( x Hamilton! Reader )

@5sospenguinqueen

Lewis hates the idea of Max dating his sister. Not because he's overprotective but because he’s trying to save the younger driver from the insanity of his sister. Or the one where Y/N terrorizes the Grid OFF the track and Max terrorizes them ON the track.

"awooga" ( x Wolff! Reader ) ( Social Media AU )

@lewisvinga

In which y/n thinks she’s fawning over her boyfriend on her private, until she realized she just exposed her relationship on her public account.

"Disturbing the Peace" ( x Vettel! Reader )

@pucksandpower

An environmental activist disturbs the carefully constructed peace of Max’s life and turns his whole world on its head (or in which environmentalism and being a menace both run in the Vettel family).

"American Royalty" ( x Kennedy! Reader ) ( Social Media AU )

@starkwlkr

(No Summary Provided)

Lando Norris

Blurb

Your First Time With Lando (18+)

@lvndosnorris

Having sex with Lando for the first time and u expect him to be dominant but he’s whining, whimpering and CRYING.

Charles Leclerc

Oneshots

SOFT LAUNCH ( Social Media AU ) ( x Male! Reader )

@f1xmalereader

(No Summary Provided)

"I’m having his baby!"

@foreveralbon

In which they have a dog, an ollie and… a stroller?

"I always keep my promises" ( x Popstar! Reader ) ( Social Media AU )

@pucksandpower

(No Summary Provided)

"Never Have I Ever" ( x Sainz! Reader )

@pucksandpower

A game of Never Have I Ever leads to revelations your brother wishes he could forget (and half the grid running for their lives).

"Oscar Jack Piastri-Leclerc"

@pucksandpower

Congrats … it’s a boy!

"Going Once, Going Twice" ( x Redbull Engineer! Reader )

@pucksandpower

Getting roped into participating in a charity date auction changes your life forever.

"resting mean face" ( x Driver! Reader )

@claypgeons

You have a resting mean face, it makes everyone think you hate them.

"slutty man" ( x Driver! Reader )

@claypgeons

“the sluttiest thing a man can do is wear glasses.”

Lewis Hamilton

Fics

"SMILE! YOUR ON CAMERA" Part 2 ( Social Media AU )

@h4m1lt0ns @old-lorarri ( Collab )

When everyone’s favorite couple’s sex tape leaks, all hell breaks loose.

"Terrible Two" ( x Sister! Reader )

@5sospenguinqueen

Lewis hates the idea of Max dating his sister. Not because he's overprotective but because he’s trying to save the younger driver from the insanity of his sister. Or the one where Y/N terrorizes the Grid OFF the track and Max terrorizes them ON the track.

Lance Stroll

Oneshots

"with the next one"

@lewisvinga

A certain leak reveals a huge secret of the young aston martin driver and it sends the grid into a frenzy.

Fernando Alonso

Oneshots

"miss diaz"

@everythingne

With Fernando's new appreciation of tiktok, fans begin to wonder where he's getting the ideas from, until he ends up racing alongside his previously unknown daughter… who is already a driver, and in her twenties.

Jenson Button

Oneshots

"father, son, and the holy spirit" ( x Platonic! Logan Sargeant ) ( Social Media AU )

@beiasluv

Jensen adopted Logan and that’s a fact

Logan Sargeant

Oneshots

"father, son, and the holy spirit" ( x Platonic! Logan Sargeant ) ( Social Media AU ) ( x Jenson Button )

@beiasluv

Jensen adopted Logan and that’s a fact

Toto Wolff

Oneshots

"awooga" ( x Daughter! Reader ) ( Social Media AU )

@lewisvinga

In which y/n thinks she’s fawning over her boyfriend on her private, until she realized she just exposed her relationship on her public account.

Oscar Piastri

Oneshots

"yeah, my wife"

@lewisvinga

Oscar randomly revealed that he was married young and it sends the grid into chaos and confusion. what he reveals after made everything more chaotic.

[rennorthernlights]

My Thoughts on Palestine.

I am 22 years old. Born in Texas to a Christian family. I was raised in a church that is a god-fearing, hellfire, and damnation type of church. Growing up I was put in my church’s school and they taught me everything about the Bible. But I didn’t always listen in fact I would question everything since I had a curious mind. Sometimes they answered my questions and sometimes they didn’t. I was active in the church and tried to listen to sermons. I wanted to be a good Christian girl and listen.

There is one sermon that I remember. It was during the 9/11 memorial that my church had and my Pastor was speaking about 9/11 and then it turned to speaking about Muslims. I remember I was drawing, I know “good Christian girl”. I got a lil bored but I remember this. I was 6 years old, my pastor on the pulpit saying “The only way to save a Muslim is to give them a Bible or shoot them in the head.” I remember the other men in the church yelling “Amen! Amen!” I didn’t know what that meant until I got older.

I was raised with a strong hatred for Muslims. All Muslims. Any Muslims. “Remember 9/11, remember what they did.” Is what my father said like as if they personally attacked my family even though we lived in a suburban area in Houston, Texas. I hated anything to do with Muslims and the Muslim religion. When I was old enough to understand what was happening in Afghanistan, I was about 14 years old, I remember a student alongside me said “We should just blow up all the Muslims there.” And I thought “but what about the kids?” I didn’t say anything I just nodded my head and agreed with the student.

I got Instagram against my parents wishes. Scrolling through countless videos and then I saw some Muslims on there. Men, woman, and children. Just like me only different in religion. I still hated them but I wanted to learn about them. I still hated them but I wanted to understand them. I still hated them… I still hated them because I was taught to hate them. That little seed of “Why do I hate them?” Was growing.

Eventually I left that church when I was 16 years old which lead to me no longer be a Christian. Mind you not because I couldn’t stand what they believed about Muslims or because of the hypocrisy of my church. No I was no longer a Christian because I was bitter about my family divorcing.

Being on my own without the church breathing down my neck and telling me what I should or should not believe left me confused. So I started going on Instagram more and more and you know what got me to start thinking without the lenses of the church? Abortion and a woman’s right to choose. Argued a lot with my family until eventually my siblings started siding with me. It took a VERY long time for me to make my own choice, to make my own decisions of what I should believe. And that’s what has lead me to this point about Palestine.

Growing up in that church my Principal/Teacher/Pastor’s wife, yes she was all three, would talk about Israel. Talked about it so much that it came almost synonymous with America. I never once heard her or anyone talk about Palestine. In fact the only memory I have of Palestine is a video I saw on Instagram when I was about 17 years old. That little boy, maybe 13 or 15 years old also looked like his birthday, said on the mic “I give my life to Palestine.” And I thought “Palestine? What’s that?” I didn’t know what or who they were talking about so it went into the back of my mind. Never thought about it again.

Until October 7th, 2023, I was up late watching tiktok and I saw this picture with the Skyfall song by Adele playing. It showed a picture of the Iron Dome intercepting a missile. So immediately I go “Israel is under attack!” And I’ll be honest I didn’t care. Just another thing that didn’t matter in my life because I’m in Texas. A million miles away from the comfort of my home and warm bed, I could easily just swipe away or turn off. Until I saw the videos of Palestinian men, woman, and children.

I watched those videos and in my head I’m going “But they started it?” Because that’s what I was taught. “They’re Muslims trying to exterminate the Jews.” My thoughts echoing the words of my pastor, my teacher, my church, my dad. I’ll admit that a part of me was cheering for the Israel people, that I was condoning what was happening. I thought that Hamas was this powerful group and that Israel was weak because that’s what I was taught. Israel is this little country and defenseless, that’s what I was taught all my life. To pray for Israel’s peace and safety, that’s what I always did. It what I was taught to do.

The videos I saw though proved otherwise. Israel isn’t weak, Israel isn’t defenseless, Israel isn’t poor, Israel is… Israel is bombing civilians. Israel is bombing churches. Israel is bombing places that are supposed to be safe.

It’s like the wool was forcibly taken from my eyes. Like a person gripping my hair and making me look. At first I didn’t want to see. I was content in what I was taught. I was safe with not knowing. But I couldn’t do that anymore. I couldn’t just look and forget. I couldn’t. My turning point was my little brother, 13 years old and mind you hasn’t been raised in the church like I was. His worldview is his own because he was allowed to make his own views without the influence of the church. We were talking about it and this 13 year old kid starts talking about Palestine. And at first I was against it, at first I argued with him but he wasn’t backing down. And I thought “He’s caring about this so much. Why?”

So I read as much as I could on Palestine. I’ve been reading articles and watching videos. I’ve been trying to understand. It was hard, the hatred I had for Muslims and the love I had for Israel made it hard. I second guessed everything and tried to find the moment where I could go “Ah ha! See the Muslims and Palestine is lying!” But I couldn’t. I couldn’t find it.

My tiktok fyp was showing me videos of the men, woman, and children left and right. Again it was like the hand was gripping my hair and making me look. In time I didn’t fight it anymore. I stayed and I looked. Video after video, reel after reel, I watched. A silent witness until I couldn’t be silent anymore. I follow tiktok and Instagram accounts to keep up to date. I’m trying to cram as much knowledge in my head so I can speak out about this to my friends that I was raised with. To argue with my dad about this because he’s only parroting what his pastor is saying.

2 weeks I’ve been learning. 2 weeks I’ve been doing the bare minimum of educating myself on this.

Did you know that I thought Israel’s state was there for at least 200 years? Did you know that I had no idea about the open air prison of Gaza until 2 weeks ago? Did you know that I have been loyal to a state that didn’t even know my name only because I was raised to be loyal to them?

I’m ashamed. I’m ashamed of myself. I’m ashamed that I, who prides herself on learning history and facts did not know about Palestine. I’m ashamed that when I saw that video when I was 17 years old that I did not look into what Palestine is. I’m ashamed of my church. I’m ashamed of the state that I was so loyal to even though they wouldn’t even care about me. I’m ashamed that all I can do is speak and post.

But more than anything, I bare witness. I bare witness to the men, woman, and children that are suffering. I am their witness. I will speak out. I will post. I will comment. I will share. Because that is the very least that I can do.

To the Palestinians, I am so sorry that I hated you without even knowing you. That I saw you as Muslim and hated you because of it. I’m so sorry.

To the Muslims, I am so sorry that I hated you and your religion. I hated you without even thinking why? Without stopping and thinking why do I hate you when you’ve done nothing to me? I’m so sorry. I can never not be sorry.

I can never be sorry enough. I’m no saint. I’m no good person. But I will try to be good. I will try and do better. I will educate myself and help when I am able to. I will speak out. I will be another voice. Another shoulder to lean on. I’m sorry and I will do my part to help.

[bipolylingual]

A little (anti) capitalist dream

My personal thoughts on commitment to oneself, jobs, time blindness, sensory overload and third places.

Because of how I’m naturally inclined, I wish I’d have the following happen to me. I want to be forced to wake up for work, and then, once I’m on the bus to town, be informed that I have the day off. Yes, that is what I would like. At a fresh but not painful hour, like 9 o’clock in the morning, I would get up and spend no more than 35 minutes getting ready. Why is that time, and whatever I accomplish in that time good enough on my work days, but not on my days off? Somehow my hair looks good enough barely styled, the outfit I throw together will do and I don’t procrastinate filling my cats food bowl and scooping her shit. I gotta go, got a bus to catch and a day to live. I do not have (make) time to eat, which sucks and I rely too much on working in a grocery store inside a mall, which could be its own capitalist comment. Plus the food offered there isn’t even that great.

Anyway. That morning routine might not sound nice to everyone, but to me, the other version is much much worse. Or has the potential to be. I’m realising that having that one bus to catch leaves little room to think. In the best way. So then getting ready on my day off, can so fucking easily slip into becoming my own personal hell. 

The languidity of it all. When does luxury become boring? When does eating cake make you feel sick to your stomach? And we all know time is a luxury. So, the fucking sweaty, slow, indecisive, fussy languidity of it all. That is the reason I would love that kind of day, why I need to feel like I’m going to work and am expected at the precise time. And when am I the most interested in the world and looking at what new stores there are in town and looking at other people and writing my ideas and sketching in a coffee shop and buying gifts for an upcoming birthday and reading poetry? 

Standing under the fluorescent lights in my uniform that came with the nearly minimum wage. 

Maybe my personal hell or curse is just wanting to be somewhere other than I am. 

So I wake up, realistically closer to 11 o’clock. I check the weather and try on an outfit. Then a different top. Nope. Where are those pants? Okay, I’m not making the bus I wanted to (not had to). I find an outfit, I’m already a bit sweaty, the hair at the back of my neck irritates me. I sit down to do my makeup. (I want to get out of here. Into the temperature the outfit is meant for, get started.) Yet I find myself going through my saved Instagram posts, my saved Tiktoks for makeup inspiration. (This was supposed to be a functional step to get me out. Of. the. house.) So not the time for inspiration and fucking brainstorming and definitely not trying something new that I will probably hate. After finishing that part, which I either love or can physically feel on my face which makes me want to rub my skin off, I need to pack. Oh, my cats food. I check the time and see I’ve missed the next bus I was going to take. I tend to my cat, rub her small head and finally, the air hits my face. 

It’s almost 1 o’clock. 

I need to keep moving in order to not scream and completely melt down at that realisation or at my still-sweaty back or still- empty stomach, and try to keep it out of my mind how few hours of daylight there are left. 

The library is free and quiet, but I think the air is pretty bad because I feel lethargic so soon, while cafés are nicer but loud with cramped wobbly tables and of course the overpriced drink or snack aka entrance fee. So much for third spaces. 

I am aware that these things wouldn’t change in the case of my dream day, but I know my tolerance of them would. When I have a good day in town, I do not think like that. 

So on my dream-day I embody much more of what I want to be. The kind of woman I want to be. Effortless, yet, with a purpose. Driven by inspiration and a foundational belief that of course it must be pursued. Because I’d only live the first half, the tight scheduled, extremely efficient morning. Not the second half where I’m an adult that has to stand for 8 hours and ask permission to go take a piss. 

I’d leave my house slightly frazzled in a chic way, with a book or two in hopes of reading on the bus. I’m listening to music I like. I have five minutes, so there isn’t room for much else in my head. No room for doubts about my clothes or makeup (or lack thereof) or what I brought or didn’t bring with me. I’ve started my day and it’s only onward from here. 

They say perfectionism and procrastination go hand-in-hand. That’s why I need that cut-off, you know? I must leave at that time, no wiggle room and once I’m out, I’m out. No going back and perfecting. No going back and fussing. 

That’s difficult to feel when I’m not accountable to anyone but myself. And unfortunately, how it feels, rules everything. 

So I sit on the bus, bright and early and watch the beautiful sky. I am free because I’m confined to my schedule. After a while I’m a ways away from home, and I get a phone call. Or a text message. 

And all at once, my day is mine again. 

I get off the bus in town. After all, I’m already here! It’s only mid morning. I’m not ideally prepared, but I’m dressed, I have all my essentials and nothing but time and a bright sky. I do not think about how overpriced the coffee is, or how one table leg is too short. It doesn’t feel like so much of a nauseating indulgence, as much as that I have been granted permission. Again, I'm already here. I marvel at how much (potentially) fruitful time I have ahead of me. The very best hours to get things done, in fact, according to modern society. Because we all know not all hours of the day are created equal. I look out the window and make a plan. And if it turns out I didn’t bring my notebook, it's okay, because my neck isn’t sweaty and I can just use the computer at the library. 

[gnarlymetalghost]

okay so my boyfriend broke up with me (for reasons that feel dumb to me but are very real for someone who has anxiety), i convinced him to just go on a break, blah blah blah we talked again and i think i fucked it up royally because i told him he was being immature about it. i need to apologize to him but i’m worried that the more i talk to him, the less there will be to save. i’m just gonna write it down here instead.

i’m sorry i said that you were being immature. i’m a lot like my dad and i have a lot of tendencies towards black and white thinking. it seems immature to me, but the anxiety about making the right decisions is so real.

for me, i don’t think anyone is the right choice. any number of people can be the right choice. i think that if you find someone who you want to have experiences with, that’s enough. you have to choose that person, with all of their issues and assets. and it’s stupid and terrible because there’s always gonna be a voice in the back of your head that’s saying “did i make the right choice? did sierra make the right choice?” but it doesn’t matter, it’s a good enough choice for right now.

the culture we live in and grew up in is stupid but we can’t escape it and we’re living with the programming, as hard as we’re trying to escape it. i’m not holding you to forever. i’m not holding you for eternity. i think i would if you let me, but i don’t know if i’ve seriously considered marrying you. it could be fun, but i’m not thinking about it because that’s not where we are yet. i’m enjoying life with you right now. that’s enough. if you’re scared about a future, i’m just holding you to tomorrow. and we take it day by day. the pressure you’re putting on yourself is unfair, i wish you could let yourself be casual about it.

there’s a lot of language that’s thrown around about it that weigh really heavy on people in our situation. “when you know you know” is comforting to some people but to me it feels like when someone says “you’ll know when you feel the spirit.” how? is it heightened emotions or is it god? do i love you or am i horny? and what is love? because i don’t feel butterflies for you all the time. sometimes i feel scared we’re running out of things to talk about. and then i get stressed because is that real or is it because my period is about to start? but then i’m laying in bed scrolling through tiktok and all i can think about is sending them to you and texting you about how crazy my grandma is and asking if you wanna watch saw x when i see you next. relationships ebb and flow but they take work. i want to put in the work.

i’m sorry that it feels like i’m throwing away a friendship for the both of us. i have had big feelings for you for a long time, and i understand how that’s scary for you. time and time again we’ve had this conversation about whether or not we should date, and i sacrificed myself to maintain the status quo. i didn’t want to lose you, i didn’t want you to lose me. but in doing so, you’ve never known what it’s like when i’m not around. i keep creating an environment where you don’t lose anything but i feel like the world is crumbling. i thought i was being mature because it take a big person to stay friends with someone they love, but maybe i’m just not a big person. maybe it’s not the mature thing for me to do when i let myself hurt so much so that you stay. maybe the mature thing is to finally let us both feel the loss. and if i can survive it and it’s permanent, then it is what it is. these boundaries i set were not an easy decision because there’s comfort in the pain of keeping you around on your terms, and i already fucking miss you.

i don’t give up on things. i’ve 100%ed every video game i’ve ever played, i’ve never given up on a book no matter how long it takes me, and i’ve finished every movie i’ve ever started. it’s probably an annoying trait. but by god i haven’t given up on you yet and im not going to now. i want to work through this. and every time we do this stupid dance, we always end up closer than before, despite my best efforts. i wanted to keep you at arms length but you ended up in my arms instead. i said it before but i maintain my conviction: the attraction, our friendship, and being a health partnership is a good enough reason to continue this path, regardless of if it’s right or not. i still think it’s too soon to tell, even for me, as happy as i’ve been for the last two months.

but if it’s just not going to work, i’m gonna miss you. some of my favorite things were when you put your arms around me at the Collective Soul concert. i was still nervous that you weren’t attracted to me, and it made me feel good that you wanted to be close with all of those people around. i’m gonna miss watching movies. film analysis while holding hands is my love language. i’m gonna miss my hands in the hair on the back of your neck, i’m gonna miss seeing you play the bass, i’m gonna miss being able to simply glance at you and know that you thought of the exact same joke that i did without even saying it out loud. you don’t know if you’ll be in love with me, and that’s okay. because even if you were never in love with me, i think these things were love. i don’t think love is as deep as the people around us make it out to be. i think that love is the act of choosing.

if this is permanent and we don’t stay together, the door is always open. i’ll always want you around if you want to come back. inversely, if i get over you and can broach the topic of being friends without feeling the heartache, i hope you’ll leave that door open for me.

i’m sorry again, for all of it. thank you again, for all of it.

[emblazons]

🎶✨️when u get this u have to put 5 songs u actually listen to, publish. Then, send this ask to 10 of your favorite followers 🎶✨️

Hey Emilia! 💞 I’ve been listening to a lot of new / random stuff lately, so this was timely—plus I love sharing music, so…lmao you caught me at a good time!

1) Orange Juice by Noah Kahan. Serving 2012 indie hipster vibes but in the good way. A little folky-melancholy love song I heard in a TikTok and enjoyed enough to save—and has stayed in rotation a week or so.

2) Blóðberg by Sigur Rós. Sigur Rós is and remains one of my favorite bands of all time—and their first album in a literal decade came out literally the day before my birthday this month, which I consider a personal boon from the universe. This song is strings and melancholy, rich vocals and walls of sound…and feels like standing barefoot + drenched the wake of a waterfall. It’s perfect.

3) You Wish by FLYANABOSS. Do not judge me 😂 This song is hype as hell for the gym (i need hype girl music for that always. That is a very specific ‘i am lifting heavy things and spending half an hour running’ vibe lol) and those videos they do dancing / rapping through a million places are so fun. I catch this song playing in my head at work sometimes too though so. Lmao it’s catchy fs.

4) Englishman in New York by Sting. Listen. I had a moment with The Police / Sting after finishing S2 of ST because of “every breath you take,” but…I’ve actually loved this song since I was a kid (shout out to my uncles) and have always been obsessed with the jazzy vibes and drums juxtaposed against Sting’s voice—especially considering it reminds me of rainy days in the city….and has a surprisingly wholesome message. 12/10.

5) Siegfried by Frank Ocean. This song resonates with me so hard right now—and actually reminded me a lot of Mike when I thought about it (@amaragf had me talking her ear off about it a bit ago lmao). It wasn’t on my radar in spite of me being a solid Frank Ocean fan for years (I even saw him live…in his old touring eras lol), but. Now I feel it on a spiritual level. Has a lot of “forced conformity is killing the queer kids” vibes, which…probably explains a lot of why I like it so much now that I think on it HAHA

—There’s plenty more where that came from but. Those were among the ones on repeat the most lately lmao.

Thanks for the ask!

[stackthedeck]

I posted 11,881 times in 2022

381 posts created (3%)

11,500 posts reblogged (97%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@evilwickedme

@bi-dubmass11

@king-b0mbastic

@elytrians

@dingdongyouarewrong

I tagged 1,995 of my posts in 2022

#asks - 268 posts

#marvel - 71 posts

#matt murdock - 41 posts

#daredevil - 40 posts

#peter parker - 36 posts

#my fanfic - 32 posts

#spiderman - 31 posts

#fanfic - 30 posts

#marveledit - 21 posts

#not to be a lesbian but oh my god - 17 posts

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

I made a survey about fanfiction bookmarking habits with the goal of finding out how people save and share fanfiction. I had 107 responses and 9 questions, two of which were completely qualitative, but 7 were quantitative with an option for qualitative responses. This was a rough initial survey and they're biased towards tumblr and tiktok users because those are the platforms I put them out on. This data should not be applied to the whole fan community, but they're interesting nonetheless

I promised y'all graphs so I'm going to throw them under the read more because oh boy

Analysis of the data but I encourage you to look at the results and draw your own conclusions: Fans tend to have some method of saving fanfics that they really enjoy. The bookmark feature on ao3 is the most used but it tends to be a passive action similar to pushing kudos rather than commenting or is used only for fics that are really special. If ao3 bookmarks aren't the primary means of saving a fic, downloading or bookmarking the tab tends to be the most common. Fans seem to be more open to talking about reading fanfic both online and with irl friends although this is still some level of secrecy around it. It seems social media has an impact on what fics get read

See the full post

151 notes - Posted November 15, 2022

#4

My reads on the superbats dynamics

Superman/Batman: coworkers at best, each other’s nightmare scenario at worst

Superman/Bruce Wayne: is the most powerful man on earth…the trophy husband of some weird goth billionaire??

Clark Kent/Batman: Clark “Pulitzer prize winning investigative journalist” Kent and Bat “world’s greatest detective” man are the absolute dream team these two kick ass

Clark Kent/Bruce Wayne: country boy/goth you know what I’m talking about

160 notes - Posted July 30, 2022

#3

Hello! I have come asking if you can do a fic rec for superbat pls? Idk I you do this on tumblr or only on tiktak but either way love your content wishing you a good day! 💖

I AM SO SORRY this has been sitting in my askbox for ages anon I hope you see this!! Like I adore superbat but I was really into them during my phase of not bookmarking anything so I had to dig through my history lmao

Exclusive by rotasha- one of my favorite superbats fics, the slowburn, the mystery around the identity, the angst about keeping secrets, Bruce struggling with being a parent for the first time, Clark bounding with Dick, UGH I LOVE IT

Interview with a Batman by Mithen- God I love Journalist Clark Kent and Batman being soft bro they make out in the batmobile it's so good!!

A Sense of Identity by DaaroMoltor- they start dating before either of them reveals their identity god the angst is off the charts!! And oh my gosh they're both written so well with all their different facets of identity

That Which We Call a Rose by arysteia- I love the way it jumps through time and explores the dynamics of a love square with two people and all the ways their lives intersect

Man of Steel, Man of Heart by capsicleonyourleft- there's so much to love in this fic but I want to give a shout-out to the fight scenes because yes that is exactly how batman is supposed to fight and I want to drill it into the heads of anyone that makes a batman movie and BRUCE HAS A COMPETENCY KINK

Stuck in the Middle (With You) by TheResurrectionist- batfam shenanigans and Clark is there to witness his stepkids (anything with the tag Tim v Damian: Dawn of beating the shit out of each other is excellent lmao)

275 notes - Posted August 22, 2022

#2

Marvel made Matt Murdock a whore because any person in the 80s/90s would see a guy dressed in a bright red bodysuit specifically made to look like the devil because said guy has a complicated relationship with religion and by his nature he feels that he’s already damned and the guy has an absent mother, a dead dad, and was mentored by an emotionally unavailable older man and be like yeah that’s a homosexual

395 notes - Posted April 18, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Goncharov posting brings a completely different new interesting angle to your what is fanfiction question. If we agree that fanfic has to be based or inspired by a different media, then what is goncharov fanfiction? Does the media have to exist for it to have a transformative Fandom?

aaaah anon I love you so much thank you so much for bringing this to me!! Okay, so my definition of fanfiction is fiction written by self-professed fans in a fandom specific context. So I'm a fan of Spider-Man, I write fiction about Spider-Man to post on ao3 for other fans to read. If marvel hired me to write a Spider-Man comic, I'm still a fan who is writing fiction, but I'm no longer doing it in the context of fandom.

So with that definition in mind, we need to categorize what the fuck Goncharov is. So in my mind, Goncharov is a meme, but it is also the practice of collective storytelling, really no different functionally than Arthurian folklore or any mythology that's been taken out of its original context. We all looked at a pair of boots and said let's write a story together, that's not that different than looking at a mountain and connecting it to the legitimacy of English kings. Goncharov is myth/folklore just very recent and on the internet.

So there is fanfic of Goncharov on ao3. If someone calls their own work fanfic, then it is fanfic. People are not writing these fanfics to add to the folklore, they're not claiming that what they're writing down is canon, rather they're claiming to be building off the canon (that doesn't exist in the sense of the movie, but does exist in the sense that we've all agreed on some sense of truth to it). But because the transformation of the fiction is happening at the same time as the fiction is being defined, the transformation is influencing the collective telling. What is the truth of this story we've all agreed on and what is the fan interpretation in the form of fiction?

In the sense that fandom culture is baked into the creation of this collective myth, all of Goncharov is fanfiction. But because we all have equal creative power over the truth of the fiction, none of Goncharov is fanfiction. Both things are true at the same time. Schrodinger's fanfic if you will.

404 notes - Posted November 21, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[dearthinkingoutloud]

"You were holding out to find the opposite." (pt. 1)

Pre-reading: Listen to "opposite" by Sabrina Carpenter

The first time that I heard Sabrina Carpenter's song "opposite", I was enjoying her DC stop on her Emails I Can't Send Tour. She had released her album by the same name a few months before her tour announcement and I BEGGED my parents to let me go. After being a fan of her for eight years, I would finally be able to see her in concert as my first concert without my parents! I studied the entire album for months (as if I wasn't already listening on repeat) leading up to it when suddenly, she released four extra songs including opposite. I listened to one of them before the show but wanted to experience the rest of them live, so I decided to save the other three for the concert on May 14.

When she finally played "opposite," I was listening intently to the lyrics and immediately broke down. With all of the adrenaline and energy in the room combined with the lyrics, the tears came quite quickly. The first lyrics alone...

"Oh, so you do have a type? And it's not me" and a few seconds later...

"If you wanted brown eyes I could have got contacts"

Now... I don't have blue eyes like Miss Carpenter, but I inverted it to fit my experience. In my head, she might as well have said, "if you wanted blue/green eyes." Like the TikTok I posted earlier stated, "this song is so WOC-coded (women of colour)," and so as soon as I related it to my life, emotions spilled out of me. In this song, she talks about the pain of someone you like or love moving on to someone else who looks opposite of you. Boy... does that sound familiar... As a black female who grew up in many predominantly white areas, this was unfortunately a common occurrence for me. On many occasions, I would develop crushes on people who expressed no reciprocated interest; in fact, they often looked the opposite of me. White or light-skinned. Blonde. Blue or Green eyes. This disappointing cycle continued so long that I started to look internally and wonder... is it me? What is it about me that you don't like? Are my eyes not special? Am I too dark? Too big? The people who did express interest in me were adults (gross, I know) and/or only sexual in nature which I quickly declined. My self-esteem and self-confidence took a deep decline very quickly.

At the end of the song, Sabrina sings,

"And I know now Even if I tried to change That somehow You'd end up with her anyway"

... which, as you can imagine, made me sob even louder. By then, I had learned the song and was able to sing it with her, so my new concert buddy and I began doing a cross of scream-singing and scream-crying to close out the song.

As a child into my teen years, I would await the day when I needed my ends trimmed so that I could have my hair silk pressed. I wanted to lose weight and didn't want to be taller. I was obsessed with Snapchat filters. They made my eyes bigger, my nose smaller, my lips the right size. I didn't fully grasp it then, but I had wished to look like the girls who everyone wanted (in my predominantly white school). That internalized racism villainized my natural beautiful features and made them the reason why nobody liked me.

In Chapter 8 of Speak Okinawa, Elizabeth Miki Brina recounts her teen years and how her internalized racism manifested in her actions. Previously, she had called herself racist terms, but when she turned thirteen, she, all of a sudden, tried to go by her Japanese name "Miki" (she didn't succeed since everyone had been calling her Elizabeth her entire life thus far). This may seem like a step towards embracing her Japanese side, but her internalized self-hatred (which she doesn't quite know yet) came out in her constant desire to have blonde hair, change her eye shape, and wear blue contacts. She continuously expressed how ugly her Asian features are and therefore, found ways to look different than her natural self. Her mom only feels further rejected by seeing how openly Brina despised the only part of her that was completely related to her mother.

As Sabrina Carpenter said, I know now that it was not me who was at fault or necessarily them for not liking me. Now, I have found love for my natural hair, skin, lips, nose, hips, height, and so on. Of course, I still struggle to love myself like most other people, but there is a clear improvement to my past mindset.

*Look forward to Part 2 in my next post!*

♡ dearthinkingoutloud

[misterellyott]

I like to listen to Dusty Thunder read AITA stories while I'm at work at night. I do a lot of walking, so I just let my tiktok play with my headphones in. It's that or I watch youtube. A lot of my nightly things I do are boring, tedious and just bland so having this little bit of noise keeps my head in the game and gives me the ability to just keep going even when my brain starts trying to play the, I don't want to do this so I'm not going to do this till it's the very last second and stress myself out.

Anyways, there was a story tonight that was like 'aita for telling my wife that after five years of her mental breakdown and not being employed that I think she needs to get a job.'

Basically, he has been working 80+ hours a week and the wife continued to refuse to get a job or even really help out around the house because of her mental health.

Now don't get me wrong, I very much do believe in mental health issues. I, myself, suffer from many. But, I do understand that eventually when push comes to shove, there has to be a compromise on some part.

My wife and I aren't happy in our living situation. I mean, who can really be happy living in a trailer long term with a 14 year old and 13 pets. It's a lot, and chores often go overlooked and even when chores get done, by the end of the night the tiny home is almost back to the state it was before you even started and the exhaustion of fighting an unending uphill battle just starts to wear on you.

We realize that the amount of pets is ultimately a large part of our issues. But, neither of us is willing to part with them. How do you part with creatures that you whole heartedly love and treat like your children?

We are parents, yes, to a 14 year old and only very briefly thought about adding another human child to our mix. It was very apparent early on in our marriage/relationship that we were not going to be having any more kids. A mutual agreement that is still present at this time.

She turns 34 this year and I turn 32, not overly old, but as a dad who has been caring for a child for the past 14 years and I never really got to be a person of my own. (Yes, I realize that is a choice I made... as a teen... to have a child, and I knew what that would mean, ish. No, I do not regret my son. Yes, I do think and wish I could go back to have waited and had him at an older age, but you can't turn back the clock) That being said, my wife and I are excited that we get to see him grow up and in a few years we get to be our very own people. We will get to be included in whatever wonderful life awaits our son, and at the same time get to have our very own life as well.

That also means, like most people, our pets are our children. We treat them like children, we care for them like children (as much as you can a non-human creature). We feed them the best foods, we give them treats, toys, dog park, walks, trips outside (for our ferrets who love being in the grass and exploring), etc.

It also means expensive as HELL vet bills. Odin alone was one of our most expensive pets as he had a very serious illness that eventually led us to having to let him go this past May.

But again, I look at all their little tiny faces and I think what would life be like without them? Sure, there are some positives. We could go on vacation without wondering or trying to save up for whatever we need to do with them while we are gone. We could leave the house for long periods of time without having to crate them, Luna and Indi absolutely WRECK the house if we don't.

But, what would coming home be like? Not to see their beautiful faces greeting me, not to get their wonderful kisses and loves and cuddles.

Anyways, I'm getting away with the reason for this long as post.

I'm EXHAUSTED. I can't say it enough. My body is breaking down, I'm running on empty. I'm struggling to pull out all the stops just to make it through another day.

I'm sick again, for the second time in less than a week. I can feel the burn in the back of my throat and the way my breathing is getting all ragged.

We started getting a little spend happy again, and we gotta nip that back in the bud so we can get back on track for paying things off so that maybe, just maybe I can go down in hours.

I know my wife is exhausted working almost 50 hours a week and being the primary care of our home. And I try my hardest to make sure I do as many chores as I can, feed the pets, change the puppy pads, make sure everyone has water, pick up and tidy anytime I find things out of place, etc. But, I have no energy whatsoever to actually clean clean anything.

I'm working well over 70 hours a week and I have little to no time at home and what time I do have at home, I find it so draining to do anything other than lay in bed watching youtube or sleeping.

My son keeps bugging me to play video games with him, but the moment I sit down on my bed and grab my controller, I'm already tired and ready to just curl up under the blankets.

I try to offer to have him come and do things with me, chores like walking the dogs or taking them to the dog park, so we can at least see each other for a while, but he is 14, and those things a boring.

I've been making sure that I always tell him goodbye and tell him I love him when I'm leaving, etc, to at least let him know I'm thinking about him, but I know he just wants my attention and I'm trying so hard but I'm so burnt out that even just five minutes of a video game and I'm spent and just want to sleep.

My wife is constantly upset as well because we don't see each other like we used to. And I totally get that. She often gets upset when I don't want to go to the dog park on days where she can take them, cause I want more sleep. Or when I don't want to stay up to do laundry, but she won't do it later when I wake up cause she wants it done early in the day.

We all have right to feel the way we are feeling, but I think we are all not taking into consideration each others levels of 'can' right now.

I want to be able to just shoulder everything and be able to do all of it and still be happy and healthy. But, at the end of the day, I'm already collapsing under everything and I just hurt all the time and it sucks.

I don't really have much to look forward to most days. As of this week, we finally worked our schedules out so that I have one day off a week instead of working 7 days a week. But, that still leaves me working both jobs three days a week and one or the other job three days a week.

I need a vacation, but we can't afford for me to take any time off work. Not even with the laundry list of medical issues I need to have attended to.

I have a broken tooth that needs extracted, I have a large hernia in the upper portion of my stomach that's expanding up my ribs and causing mild to severe discomfort most days, I have blood in my stool, I have some sort of head condition that without my prescription that I'm currently on lands me laid up in bed begging for death and I still have several months to go before the first open appointment in December for it, my constant heartburn is getting worse and I feel like I'm always nauseous. My foot has mostly gotten used to the broken bone shard that is floating around near the front of my right foot, but occasionally I step down wrong and my whole day is ruined. In a nut shell, my check engine light has been on so long it's begun to blink rapidly and I know I need to go in but I can't find the motivation to actually do anything about most my issues because it requires being awake during normal people hours (one of my jobs is a full time overnight position), it requires me making phone calls (my absolute worst nightmare), and it requires me actually having to make and keep appointments (my adhd's worst nightmare).

If we had a better place to live, I honestly think a lot of our issues wouldn't be so bad. But, the trailer is slowly falling apart due to use, and we don't have the funds to repair it while still paying off debt.

We have no family, no friends to fall back on. No one we could move in with, or rent a place with. Our credit is shit, and we are absolutely exhausted living like this and yet, until our debt is paid and we can save and somehow magically find a place that allows ferrets, we are stuck living like this.

And still in, I don't want to give up our ferrets for a house. I keep holding on to hope that one of these days we will find someone a co-sign a house with, or rent with, or something amazing like some of the crazy fun amazing stories you see on tiktok and youtube and blah blah blah.

I often think about buying small amounts into the lottery to even see if we could get just a little lucky with like a thousand dollars or something, but then I can't even think about wasting the few dollars for that but then turn around and drop thirty bucks on fast food.

And there in is another problem. Unhappy, exhausted, tired, I'm turning to food again for comfort and I'm gaining weight, and I'm even more unhappy with myself.

Why can't this be easy? Why does working with such severe mental illnesses have to be so damn hard? Why does my brain work this way? Why can't I just be a normal person and just get through my day without wallowing, without thinking about every little thing we could possibly do to try and penny pinch to pay down our debts just a little bit faster and then end up fucking that up by buying something expensive to try and make myself feel better? (Food, I'm really just talking about the fast food / coffee / etc)

I won't spend 20-40 dollars on a video game, so why am I buying so much fast food for our family? Snacks? Chips? Ice Cream?

In Sept, things have got to change. And I just don't know what we can change or do different to help lift us up and change our currently negative, tired, outlook.

[spooky-kakashi]

i saw a tiktok MONTHS ago abt the sexuality hc of seijoh and everyone had a little bi flag on them except iwa iwa had a banner that said this mf gay asf and i havent stopped thinking abt it