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avengersassemble-fics · 3 years

Text

Stark Legacy

part 01/?? "the only person"

master list

word count 4.3k

an: :3 welcome to a new fic bc idk how to control myself

WARNING: this part does depict alcohol usage, and mentions of other substances a character uses to cope (though nothing is explicitly mentioned).

“An unemployment and housing crisis skyrockets to higher levels as people still struggle to adjust and accommodate the population we had years ago. Streets are littered with people seeking hope-”

“According to world economists, the surge in loan denials is leading to an unprecedented end, leaving the experts scrambling for a way to get the economy back on track, also claiming that the Global Repatriation Council may be asking for too much-”

“Protests break out across Switzerland as support for the group known as the Flag Smashers rises, with the Global Repatriation Council denying any comment on the matter, as well as refusing to comment on the rumours that the newly titled Captain America is investigating the matter-”

“What can we expect from Stark Industries now that Tony Stark is no longer with us? Pepper Potts, while having led the company in a positive direction prior to the Blip, has had no new developments over the last six months. With these newfound challenges the world is facing we’re left to wonder.. Who is going to step up as the ingenious mind behind new innovation? Will the youngest Stark continue on in the steps of father and brother, or are we seeing the end of the Stark Legacy?”

Click.

Silence filled the blue colored cottage that was tucked away at the end of the street in Ransdorp. Though dim and lifeless inside the cottage, outside the sun shined while birds chirped away happily and the sound of children playing echoed through the air. But inside the cottage, all alone, someone stood and tossed a television remote back onto the couch that was once occupied. They shed the blanket that had been wrapped around their shoulders all night while listening to all the different news reports, and entering a small bedroom and dressed in the dark. It was a Wednesday afternoon, and after shuffling through the cottage to grab a few things, the back doors were pushed and locked open, and a breeze blew through the house.

You squinted as you put a sun hat on and oversized sunglasses, overlooking the green oasis you had worked on every day for the last six months. Pushing away the thoughts of what the news had been saying, you stepped down onto the wooden patio that lined the back door and carried a hefty packed bag with you to the garden you had planted. You set the bag down and kneeled into the soft grass, and got to work on picking on fresh vegetables to use for your dinner later. Lucky for you, the soil was perfect here.

So… How have the last six months been for you?

Well the garden was a distraction your neighbor had suggested after finally catching you one day while throwing out a bag full of alcohol bottles you had consumed. You could see her take a second glance over your disheveled appearance, but she ignored it for the most part (which thankfully she did, you were a little sick of people telling you how to feel at the time). Naturally, instead of working through your problems, you distracted yourself from them.

But in all honesty… It’s been hard. Maybe it was selfish of you to think so, but you felt like you had been dealt one of the shittiest hands from the universe. The pressure from the world after… After Tony’s death was suffocating. As more paparazzi followed you around, the worse that anxiety had gotten. With that newfound attention, you had also been summoned by the United States government to attest for your time as a HYDRA agent. Lucky for you, in some way, they dropped any serious charges due to your restraint under the program, but sentenced you to weekly therapy sessions (since SHIELD had denied to disclose your mental capabilities). To your knowledge, Bucky Barnes had been offered a similar deal. The therapy lasted all of a month before you… Negotiated your way out of it, and returned to this safe place.

You drowned yourself in drinks and other activities after leaving New York, which in turn made your black-out episodes reappear, which had become evident as the photographed wall in your second bedroom started to be crossed out fast. You couldn’t help but twitch at the thought, and steered clear of that subject. But as of five months ago, you were all but cut off from all things Avengers.

Everyone had gone their own separate ways for the most part. Wanda was off the radar, Sam had gone and gotten a contract with the Air Force, Clint got his family back, Rhodey was some top notch Air Force guy (you didn’t really know what he was up to nowadays), Thor was gone offworld, Scott was making up for lost time with his family, and Bucky… Well, you didn’t know much about that situation either. Sam had tried to reach out after everything, but in one of your drunken states you threw your phone in the Weersloot river. You didn’t need a reminder of that day, or those few weeks even.

You never played the message Happy had given you from Tony. You never had the courage to do so, and you had it tucked away in your room safe and sound. Honestly? You were starting to think you never would be ready to hear what Tony had to say to you before he died. You just couldn’t bear to hear it, never would… Because if he even mentioned someone’s name you didn’t know how you would react.

When you started to think about Steve, you picked up a drink to take your mind off it. You had yet to come to terms with him leaving, because it still hurt like the day it happened.

Losing Tony was the worst thing that could’ve happened in your eyes. He was your family, though Pepper and Morgan had become your family too, Tony was the last piece of your family you could hold onto. The last shred to the past you fought so hard to remember and cherish, and now him and that part of you was gone. He was your everything. He always would be.

But Steve? Losing Steve wasn’t something you had ever even considered. While Tony was your soul, Steve was your heart. Despite everything you two had been through, the feelings hurt and the years it took to make it back together, Steve always had your heart. He was the man you wanted to fall asleep with and wake up to. He was the man you talked about growing old with, what life would be like if he gave up the Captain America mantle, he was supposed to be your future...

And then he stayed in the past, and left you here confused. Hurt. Alone.

You lost the two people you had left in the world. Your heart and your soul. And it was the most devastating blow you had ever felt… Everyday you wondered how someone comes back from something like that, if it was even possible.

Your thoughts were interrupted when a hefty softball landed in a thud in your garden and smushed one of your little tomatoes. You blinked at the sight before grabbing the ball and looking up to see the familiar short boy next door pulling himself up on the fence that separated your yard from his, and you grabbed a rag from your bag and wiped the softball off.

“Je vernielt in zijn eentje mijn tuin, weet je,” (You’re single-handedly ruining my garden, you know) you said to the boy and looked up at him through your sunglasses.

“Vergeef mij,” (Forgive me) he said and rested his head on his hands to watch you finish wiping his ball off. “Mijn vader wilde niet met mij spelen” (My dad wouldn’t play with me).

You stopped wiping for a moment and could see the sad look in the kids face. You smiled softly and stood, making your way over to the fence and handing him his ball back, though his expression didn’t change.

“Vraag het me de volgende keer dat je wilt spelen, oké?” (Next time you want to play, come ask me, okay?) You told him, and the smile reappeared on his face and he gave you a nod. You ruffled his hair as he jumped back off the fence and played once again. You went back to your bag, now full with vegetables, and picked it up to head back inside. You had a sweet pasta recipe to try tonight, and you think what you selected should work great-

You stopped in your tracks right before the back door. You lowered your sunglasses and lowered your gaze to the ground as you tried to focus on the sound in the air, the shift in the environment. You may have been slightly hungover but the presence was not hard to miss. You straightened your stance and gripped your sunglasses in your fist.

“Sam?” You called out. At first there wasn’t any rustling, but after a few moments you heard your back gate unlock and creak open, and that’s when you could hear the extra set of footsteps. You slowly turned around to face who had finally tracked you down, and were met with Sam Wilson… And Bucky Barnes in tow.

“What are you doing here?” You more so asked Sam. The pair glanced at one another and Bucky nodded his head at his partner in crime (God, you could just tell they were up to something) and Sam shoved his hands into the jacket he had been wearing.

“We came to see you, check in on how you’re doing,” Sam said. You chuckled a bit, and shook your head.

“That’s bullshit and you know it,” you called him out. “What are you really doing here?”

“We need your help,” Bucky said. You bit your tongue and looked them over, maybe just a little curious as to what was going on. Just a little. “We stumbled onto something that I think you may have some information on.”

You hummed to yourself for a moment, thinking it over. Truthfully, the last thing you needed was whatever this was. So you shook your head and shrugged your shoulders. “I’m afraid I can’t help, but thanks for thinking of me.”

You turned your back on them and stepped up a couple steps into your house, and was all but ready to close the door to the world and close yourself off from Sam and Bucky, but Bucky took a step forward.

“There’s more super soldiers out there,” Bucky said in a serious tone. You stopped in your tracks, gripping onto your door for a few moments before looking back out to the pair. Bucky was watching you intently, in a stare you had only seen on him once before (which you didn’t want to recount at the moment). There was movement near the fence, and your eyes darted there to see the neighbor boy peeping his head over to see what was going on. When his gaze met yours, and you gave him “the look” he disappeared just as quickly as he appeared, and you looked back at the pair standing in your yard and against all better judgement, motioned your head behind you. Understanding your cue, Sam led the way inside, and you shut the door quickly behind Bucky.

You moved around the burly super soldier and brushed past Sam to set your bag of veggies in your kitchen. You had to take a moment to compose yourself before facing the duo who had been watching you intently. “Okay.. Go on. What do you mean there’s more super soldiers?”

Sam grabbed something from his pocket, a phone it looked like, and pulled something up before handing you the device. You hesitantly took it and looked down at the phone, where a video began playing of the recent Gasel Bank heist. You watched as someone got beaten to the ground, but what was astonishing was the sheer strength the masked person showed. Captivated, you carried the device into the living room and plopped down into the cushions of your sofa and watched more footage, this time up close from what you could guess were Dumb and Dumber who moved to hover over you.

“We were hoping you might know something,” Sam said. You handed his phone back to him which he graciously accepted, and you tapped your fingers together in thought before looking over at Bucky.

“What makes you think I know anything?” You asked. Bucky seemed to huff in annoyance at your questioning him, in all honesty you just wanted to hear him say it.

“You and I both know what went into the replication of that serum, your program especially,” Bucky said. You felt a lump form at the back of your throat and you casted your eyes downward. “You were still there after me… Did they perfect Stark’s serum?”

You looked back up at his question, and you held his gaze for a moment. You couldn’t believe this was how your day was turning, and you were pissed that he of all people were bringing up your past, like you volunteered for any of that shit. You lightly bounced your leg as you fought to remember what you had known.

“HYDRA had been unsuccessful in using my father’s formula of the serum again, even after you managed to escape their hold,” you started. You swallowed the lump in the back of your throat and leaned back into the couch, averting your gaze from Bucky to the floor as you searched your memory. “They brought in a scientist, but it wasn’t my op, and it was on a need to know basis. The only reason we knew they started the research again was they started taking people from the Phantom program to test the serum on.”

“Phantom program?” Sam asked.

“That’s what they called us,” you mumbled. “All of us were deemed dead so… It was only fitting.”

“Did the scientist perfect the serum?” Bucky asked. You shrugged your shoulders and met his look again.

“Didn’t think so,” you answered honestly. “So if there’s serum still out there, he has to be your guy. Though I can say I didn’t see any kind of sign of that activity when working with SHIELD.”

“But it’s a start,” Sam nodded and Bucky looked his way. The two started sharing odd glances, and you watched in confusion. Sam suddenly looked your way and motioned around. “Think you could spare some time and do this mission with us?”

“Sam-” Bucky began to say as a warning, but you chuckled a bit which made him stop.

“I don’t do this anymore,” you told them as you motioned between them.

“Come on (Y/N),” Sam tried to reason as you stood up and walked your way back into the kitchen and opened up a cabinet in search of tonight’s bottle of wine to go with dinner. “I get that you’re going through it, I really do, but-”

Just as you managed to select the perfect medium-bodied red wine, Sam had come up beside you and took the bottle out of your hand. “This isn’t going to help you.”

“Yeah Sam and what is?” You asked while crossing your arms. “Because right now the only thing that would help me out is to see my brother again but guess what! It’s not going to fucking happen! It’s just me, here, and all by myself. All by myself…”

Your words trailed off as a heaviness grew in your chest. The atmosphere in the room was a lot more stuffy, and you would rather curl up and disappear then let Sam (and Bucky) see you cry. But here you fucking were, with Sam seeing the tears build up in your eyes and the look he gave you, you wanted to be mad but the only thing that you could seem to feel was just sad. You blinked back the feeling and took a glance back at Bucky, who stood in your living room and averted his gaze. You looked back at Sam, and put on the best front you could.

“You’re welcome to stay for the night, someone can take the bed in my room and someone can take the couch, but tomorrow? We go our separate ways again,” you said in a low tone. Sam’s look at you was… Disappointment. Before the sentiment could settle on your already guilty conscience you turned around and grabbed your keys and a peacoat and stopped at the front door. “Help yourselves to whatever you need.”

With that, you pulled the door open and just as swiftly shut behind you. The cottage walls shook for a moment before settling to a silence inside. Sam looked down at the bottle in his hand and set it back onto the counter before looking Bucky’s way, who still looked annoyed.

“What?” Bucky defensively asked when he noticed Sam’s stare. Sam shook his head at him and pushed the wine bottle to the back of the counter.

“You pushed that too hard,” Sam said, to which Bucky scoffed.

“Me? You’re the one who asked her to join us which, by the way, where did that come from?” Bucky questioned as Sam came back to the living room and sat down on the couch. Sam leaned forward with his arms on his legs and rubbed his hands together.

“Take a look around Robo-cop,” Sam emphasized and Bucky let out an annoyed sigh. “You’re seeing what I’m seeing, right?”

Bucky looked around at your surroundings. He wouldn’t peg it as chaotic, but he also couldn’t pin it as put together. There were personal touches here and there, but it didn’t feel like you belonged here. Bucky wasn’t blind to what was going on here, but he also didn’t see how that pertained to what Sam was suggesting.

“Sam, we came for some information, we got it, so why don’t you tell me what you’re trying to say,” Bucky replied. Sam rolled his eyes and leaned back into the cushions.

“We let her come here, by herself, even knowing how devastated she was after Tony died,” Sam explained. Bucky’s eyes darted to the floor at the memory of him following you out to that shed the day of Tony’s funeral, and the empty expression your eyes held. “Hell, we don’t even know how she felt about Steve. We should’ve been here for this. And that makes us shitty friends.”

“Ah, I wouldn’t say we’re friends-”

“Oh I’m sorry, who's the one that said she owed you a favor?” Sam asked and Bucky shrugged his shoulders.

“I did, but that doesn’t mean-”

“Nah ah,” Sam cut him off and Bucky rolled his eyes. “If you two owe one another favors, then your friends.”

“That’s sound logic, Sam,” Bucky sarcastically said.

You tossed your glass bottle of whatever the hell it was you drank earlier into a trash can on your way back home. You pulled your keys out of your jacket pocket and jingled them around until you found your house key and hipped quietly. Your cottage was just in view and all the lights were out. You grumbled to yourself as you neared, forced to remember what had happened earlier in the day (and boy did you work hard to forget that Sam and bucky were at your lace haha). You stumbled up the two steps to your door and used the wall to steady yourself, before quietly shoving your key into the door and pushed the door open.

It took a second to adjust to the environment, but the whole cottage was pitch black, besides whatever light from the moon managed to filter in. You carefully walked around the couch and glanced down at who occupied it, and when you saw Sam peacefully asleep you then looked at the door to your room and shuddered at the fact Bucky must’ve taken residence in there. You huffed a bit, and pulled a spare blanket out of a basket and moved to the back door. When you finally got outside and shut the door to not disturb your guest you tossed your blanket onto the patio sofa you had and kicked your shoes off.

After shedding yourself of your peacoat and plopping down on the hard cushions, you inwardly cursed the two men inside. You were doing just fine before their arrival, you had a schedule of self loathing and drinking then sleeping that they were interrupting. You just weren’t looking forward to the repercussions of tonight’s sleep. You laid back across the sofa and looked up at the sky, though nothing was there anymore. Or at least there wasn’t anything you could see.

Let’s be honest here. The reason you had turned to drinking was because of the fuzzy feeling you got after awhile. Your mind got to drift to something else besides the memories of your past, like… what to drink next, or in this case, is that a star or an airplane? It made the moment more simple, it made you forget who you were until you woke up again. That didn’t mean you didn’t resent yourself for your actions, but you just added that to the list of reasons why your endgame was the best resolution. You just weren’t ready to tell anyone what that endgame was.

Your gate creaked and you tilted your head to look in that direction. You could barely make out the figure as they neared, Bucky’s face became more clear. You looked back up to the sky and shook your head a bit to yourself. Bucky came to a stop close to you, and sighed a bit.

“You should go inside,” He said quietly.

“You should just leave me alone,” you quipped back to him. Though you couldn’t see it, Bucky rolled his eyes at your drunken response. You suddenly felt a lot more sober, and you turned your head to face him. “You had no right, you know.”

“What are you talking about?” Bucky asked and you huffed.

“You had no right to bring up the Phantom program. I didn’t tell anyone about that, not even Tony,” you admitted to him. Bucky bit his tongue and looked up at the sky for a moment to collect himself. “I didn’t want anyone to go digging into the extent of that.”

“I didn’t know,” Bucky admitted. You blinked at him as he caught your gaze again. “Look… I’m sorry.”

You fell silent before letting out a small sigh and adjusting yourself to be a little more comfortable, your head finally starting to feel dizzy again. But Bucky wasn’t ready to settle this, he shifted his weight and turned to face you.

“Why are you doing this to yourself?” Bucky asked. Your eyes fluttered back open and you looked over at him. He had taken a step closer, and hovered over you, and you raised a brow.

“What are you talking about?” You asked him this time.

“The drinking,” Bucky pointed out. You huffed and turned your head in the opposite direction into the cushions, and Bucky rolled his eyes. “It’s not going to help you know.”

“Yeah and how would you know?” You asked and looked back at him. Bucky leaned down to get in your face, and you tried to move back from him.

“Because I’m probably the only person who really knows what’s going on in your head.”

You bit your tongue, and Bucky backed off. In a bit of a daze, you plopped back down onto the cushions and pulled the blanket you brought out up to your chin. Bucky rolled his eyes at you shutting him down, and he moved to the door to go inside. The sooner the morning came and Sam and he could leave, the better for him.

“I never blamed you, you know,” you said in a light voice. Bucky stopped in his tracks and looked over at you. Your eyes were closed, and you were breathing evenly. Bucky retracted his hand from the door knob and took a couple steps closer. He needed to hear that again.

“What did you say?” He asked. You stirred a bit, but didn’t answer him. Carefully, Bucky used his gloved hand to touch your shoulder, and give you a small shake. When you still didn’t say anything, Bucky sighed and looked between the door and you and cursed in his head.

Bucky carefully slid an arm under your shoulders, and then hooked his other under your legs. He hoisted you up into his arms and into his chest, and your head rolled into his arm. Bucky shook his head at it and carefully brought you back inside, and past the couch, and pushed your room door open with his foot. Bucky sat himself on the edge of your bed and balanced you in his lap with one arm, and pulled your blankets open with a free hand. When he finally got you into your own bed, he took the blanket you had outside from you and tossed it onto his shoulder, and pulled the blankets on the bed onto you. Bucky stood from your bed, and before leaving the room he took a final glance at you as you stirred just slightly.

Bucky closed your door, and walked back towards the couch and settled himself onto the floor. As his back met the floor, he couldn’t help but wonder if you meant what you said, about not blaming him for what happened. One thing he did know was he meant what he said. Bucky stared at the door to the second room in the house, and he shook his head.

If there was one person he truly wanted to make amends with, it was you. After all, you were on his list of names.

- - - - - - - - - -

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correctdangerousfellows · 4 years

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Hello! Thanks again for your hard work! I wonder if you're interested in writing hcs about dfel boys falling in love with someone. Not necessarily x readers headcanons but something about how they would feel and how they would show it 👉👈

hello and of course anon! i hope these are what you’ve asked for!

the dangerous fellows boys falling in love

ethan

- this poor boy would be a HUGE mess because let’s be honest here he’s never fallen in love with someone before

- whenever you look at him he becomes bright red and looks away bc he’s so shy around u

- he doesn’t even realize how bad he has it for you until somebody on his baseball team brings up the topic of being in a relationship and his mind immediately goes to you

- he never stopped thinking about you after that

- he’s not the best with words, so he tries to be around you a lot more. he doesn’t like the thought of you being in a place where he can’t protect you

- in addition, he makes an effort to talk with you a lot more. he’s generally much more open with you and tries to crack a joke or two just to see you smile

- if you’re in his class he’s not gonna sleep throughout the entire time for once

- whatever activities or hobbies you like he’ll try to pick up and learn more about it just to have more conversations with you

- would cut his baseball practices short just to walk you home or take you somewhere

- he’s absolutely whipped for u please be whipped for him back i’m begging

harry

- growing up he’s never dreamed of falling in love because of his parents

- he didn’t want to put himself in that type of situation so he’s always been very distant with the idea of love

- falling in love with you tho,,, was something he did not see coming

- but at the same time, how could he not?

- he loves everything about you

- he grows to relish the warm n fuzzy feeling in his heart whenever he sees you

- he’s always been a sweetheart, but with you he’s even more gentle and caring

- offers you his help every chance he gets, brings you a small snack everyday, sends you good morning and good night texts, etc. you’re basically his entire world and he treats you like it

- when he’s around you his headaches doesn’t hurt that much anymore

- he embraces his love for you and while he’s a bit nervous about everything because he doesn’t want to wind up like his dad, but with you, he’s more than willing to take the chance

zion

- this man has never once considered falling in love with someone since he automatically assumes that people just want him for his money

- so when you came along he’s suddenly dealing with this new weird feeling in his chest and this idiot immediately dismissed it as being sick

- he panics when the feeling doesn’t go away

- he realizes he’s in love the moment he sees you laugh and he realizes that he’ll do anything just to see you like that again

- he makes up random excuses to be around you more

- you’re going to get lunch? he insists on taking you out because “you probably forgot your wallet so he’s coming just in case”

- you need to go do homework? for the first time in his life he’ll go to the library because “he also had to study for that biology test on friday” he never studies

- ditches all his hang out plans with his friends for you

- he especially loves teasing you because he loves the reaction he gets out of you but he never passes the limit

- he swallows his pride and tries asking somebody like lawrence what to do confessing for you because he’s just so incredibly in love with you and wants to give you the absolute best

eugene

- the moment he realizes he’s in love with you is when he’s trying to write a song and his mind is literally just you

- enters the first stage of grief, denial

- “maybe if i ignore it long enough it’ll go away”

- it doesn’t

- a complete tsundere, he acts like he doesn’t care but the moment you say that you’re cold this man is stripping for u LOL

- shyly asking you if you could hear his new songs

- gets flustered about EVERYTHING. he thinks you’re the most adorable person in the world and he hates it bc it’s hard to look at u without blushing

- he does extra stuff for you. buys you food, waits for you outside your classroom, and is always keeping you company

- he tells you about his dreams and goals, and you’re the first one to ever hear his songs. he gets nervous singing to you because you’re his audience, but when he stares at your face and sees how gorgeous your eyes are, he no longer feels anxious

- when you’re not with him, he becomes a bit more cranky and gloomy. he doesn’t like the small ache in his heart whenever you’re not around

- takes weeks to write a song just for you to tell you about his true feelings

lawrence

- dude has the same routine everyday

- all he does is go to school, study until 3 in the morning, sleep, repeat

- he doesn’t really particularly look forward to anything until he met you

- he has never ever considered the concept of love bc his parents refused to let him date, so his heart beating faster and his face becoming red whenever you were around was definitely a surprise. he’s not stupid tho so he figures out that he likes you pretty fast

- tries to ignore his growing feelings for you because he wants to prioritize his schoolwork, but he can’t help but stare at you a lot more

- once he got the opportunity he offered to tutor you on certain subjects

- takes you out on study dates in coffee shops

- yall don’t get any studying done LMAO u guys got too carried away with talking but it’s fine bc u both managed to get ur homeworks done somehow

- whatever you tell him he remembers. homeboy remembers every single detail about u bc he pays sm attention to u

- he's also whipped af u could muse about wanting something and he'll get it for you asap

- extremely patient with you, drops his own work to help you with your own

- he becomes one of your teacher’s assistants just so whenever he came across grading your work he can give you the automatic 100%

- he’s completely fallen for you, he doesn’t care about his parents’ stupid rule about dating anymore. as long as he has you and can make you happy, he’ll be more than welcome to be your boyfriend

this was extremely fun to write, thank you for the request anon!

> lychee

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twoidiotwriters1 · 3 years

Text

Written In The Stars CXXXIX (Harry Potter xF!Oc)

A/N: I’m scared to see how you guys will react to this one, hope you at least find it enjoyable despite my very self-indulgent plots -Danny

P.S. Huge s/o to @bwbatta bc I decided to update my fic and now I have pretty dividers in all my books! Most of the ones I ended up using are her work so go check it out :)

Words: 4,641

Series’ Masterlist

Book V // Next Chapter

Listen to: ‘Need Your Love’ -by Joshua Wicker

Chapter One: Dumbledore's Mission.

"A galleon says Erick will crash the car —"

"Shut up!"

"Don't make him nervous," Emily scolded Harry. "If you continue this I won't teach you how to drive!"

"We don't need to learn," Mel snorted. "We'll apparate everywhere..."

"I thought you hated it," Her mother raised a brow.

"Yeah, but she's lazy," Harry smirked.

"Why is Harry here? He's not allowed to leave the house, is he?" Mel frowned.

"He's not allowed to be alone outside, there's a difference. We're babysitting two infants, unfortunately..." Erick taunted.

"What's the matter, Flint? You have stage-fright?" Harry replied.

"Oh please, he feeds on attention! Like a dementor but in a more annoying way..."

"Enough!" Emily looked over her seat. "Is that the kind of things you want to teach your brother?"

"I doubt he'll remember any of this!"

"We know he can do it, Em, we're just teasing," Harry said blithely.

"Yeah, he's the only adult here apart from you, mum. It's kind of his obligation to be good at driving."

The baby let out a squeal of agreement, he was three weeks old but had a good set of lungs that he was happy to use at any given time, especially while everyone was sleeping.

Harry leaned and checked that the baby's blankets. Mel beamed at the sight, the boy had pretty much adopted the boy as his own brother, which she thought made a lot of sense, not only because it was Sirius' son, but because he'd been part of her family for so long that anything else would've been silly.

They were well aware that bringing little Regulus to their driving lessons was a bit risky, but Emily wasn't as keen to leave Mel and Harry alone in the house as she used to, so she put a few safety spells on the chair once the baby was seated while Harry and Mel sat on both sides of it.

Erick turned out to be a good driver, but he still had a bit of trouble understanding how cars worked.

"I have to be pulling and pushing stuff all the time!" He complained as he activated the windshield on accident for the third time. "Why can't I just turn the key and press the pedal?"

"Cars don't work like that," Emily said patiently. "It's complicated, but you're good!"

"He's only gone up and down the street for half an hour, Leggie fell asleep already," The girl huffed.

Emily looked over the seat once again, she was frowning. "Erick, switch seats with Mel."

"You're joking... right?"

"Erick," The woman repeated.

"On it," He said happily. "C'mon Mel, are you scared?"

Ten minutes later, Erick was in the backseat and she was tightly holding onto the wheel.

"I'm doing it!" She said. "Is not that hard, is it?"

"A slug could move faster," Harry was looking at the roof of the car and dying of heat. "I thought you were going to be more... the reckless type of driver."

"Me too..." Erick agreed lazily, he was playing with one of Reggie's feet.

"I'm not going faster, my brother's in the car!" Mel scoffed.

"We're not asking you to! Just enough so we can feel like we're actually moving!"

"Bringing you three was a bad idea," Emily said over the boys' laughter.

"Fine!" Mel pressed down the pedal, the car immediately gaining speed. "I'm was just being careful!"

"Which makes me proud," Emily softly patted her shoulder. "It feels like it was yesterday when you were running around Remus' house in nothing but a diaper and now you're driving!"

"The other night I ran into her wearing no pants, so she's hasn't changed really," Erick murmured nonchalantly. "I stepped on Grey's tail thanks to that... maybe that's why he hates me so much."

"What?" Harry's head snapped to the side so fast he hurt himself.

"I forgot you live here now! Sometimes I sleep like that, s'not a crime!" She looked at Harry through the rearview mirror. "I've been an only child for sixteen years, sometimes I forget there are more than two people in my house..."

"I'm surprised her scream didn't wake up Leon," Erick sniggered.

"He's a heavy sleeper like his dad," Emily responded distractedly.

The conversation died instantly. It wasn't the woman's intention, of course, but it'd been only a few weeks since Sirius' passing, sometimes they would forget for a moment, just a brief second, then one of them would talk about Sirius and everything would start again...

It was painful, and it was weird. Mel had never endured something like this with anyone except Harry. Having a larger group of people sharing the same pain was strangely comforting.

Mel cleared her throat. "It's Harry's turn..."

"I'm okay," He said quickly. "I can learn another day..."

"Glasses, you and I have a tradition of experiencing things at the same time," The girl stopped the car and turned to look at him. "You're not going to ruin our streak. Besides, I need to know if I'm better than you."

Harry stared at her in amusement, then he looked at Erick.

"Is it fun, having her bossing you around all day?"

"I boss her around too," Erick smirked.

"They take turns," Her mother sighed.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Harry gave the woman a look of sympathy as he stepped out of the car.

"There are worse things than being stuck with two pushy teenagers..."

"Hey!"

"Sorry," Emily smirked. "A pushy teenager and a pushy adult."

"If it annoys you that much I'll move out," Mel offered humorously. "What d'you say, Prince? Should we try our luck outside our comfort zone?"

"You wouldn't last a day," Erick taunted.

"Fiddlesticks," Mel muttered, to which Harry laughed.

It was around three in the morning when someone knocked on her door. She'd been awake for a while now, so she stood up and opened it.

"Hi," She rubbed her eyes. "What's up?"

"Can't sleep," Erick mumbled. "Care if I stay a moment?"

"Go ahead..."

She went back to bed, Erick sat at the edge and stared at her for a moment. Grey let out a sleepy growl, curling further away from his reach. Erick pulled out his pocket watch, now hanging from a chain he'd found in Regulus Black's room back in Grimmauld Place. The reason why he'd taken it was unknown to Mel.

"What's up?" She mumbled, suppressing a yawn.

"I'm thinking."

"About?"

"How lucky I am."

Mel let out a puff of air without replying. He would do this often, say he was lucky to be there, that she'd saved his life... She just wanted him to shut up.

"I really don't want to punch you, Prince, I'd ruin your pretty nose."

He smiled, unbothered.

"You know, a few years ago you would've been pleased to hear me say that, you ungrateful git."

"Yeah well, a few years ago my biggest dream was to become a princess," She joked. "So you see my priorities were a bit messed up..."

"You'd make a cute princess."

"C'mon —"

"I mean it."

"Erick," Mel said in a tone of warning. "Stop."

He'd been acting like that for a whole week: flirting when no one was around, complimenting her... Mel had closed up so tightly around herself that she was barely capable of saying I love you to her mum. Erick had lived deprived of affection his whole life and was just getting out of that environment. At what point had she become the cold, distant one, and he the ray of sunshine?

She knew right away what he was trying to do, but she was so numb... Mel cared about him, but she was not there yet.

Erick leaned on the wall and tilted his head a bit so he could look at her.

"I'm sorry."

"Why?" She replied. "It's not your fault... I just — I need time."

He nodded shortly.

"We can talk later?"

He was wonderful, but she was in the middle of all that was wrong in their world, right next to Harry and the lifeline that she still hadn't decided whether she wanted to keep or not.

"We should go to bed," She murmured, still unable to make any real decisions for herself.

"Yeah," He stood up, carefully putting the blankets back in place and dropping them all over Grey on purpose. He put the watch back in his pocket as well. "Sweet dreams, Mely."

The Ministry of Magic

PROTECTING YOUR HOME AND FAMILY AGAINST DARK FORCES

The Wizarding community is currently under threat from an organization calling itself the Death Eaters. Observing the following simple security guidelines will help protect you, your family, and your home from attack.

"I have a better way to protect our house," Erick groaned, he was gently rubbing his temples. "Let Leon cry the whole night and not even Voldemort will try to enter... I myself am starting to consider living on the street just to get away from the noise."

"S'not that bad," She answered, the dark circles under her eyes giving her away. "It's hard to get used to being a human, you know?"

"Look at this," Emily unfolded the newspaper. "'Scrimgeour succeeds Fudge' — Well, haven't met him yet but I hope he's got a bit of brain, Tonks told me a few months back that he's certainly a bit brisker..."

The doorbell rang and Mel left to open the door.

The routine at that point was established even if it had been only two weeks since their arrival; Erick got used to life at Privet Drive quite easily, he spent two whole days examining every corner of the kitchen, and when Mel showed him what a movie was, he wasted a whole day in the drawing-room watching the movie adaptations of the books she'd lent to him.

Harry would go daily to check on"Reg". Once he'd stayed the night but refused to sleep in Mel's room, not that she'd tried to convince him otherwise.

"Goodmorning," She opened the door without paying attention, "you're a bit late for breakfast but I'll let it pass as soon as you —"

She stopped talking at the sight of her great-uncle, Dumbledore smiled at her and walked in.

"I can't stay for breakfast, but I dare say I regret it deeply."

"Professor... I — Is everything okay?"

"Certainly."

"To what do we owe the pleasure?"

Mel turned to see her mother standing near the stairs, gazing at Dumbledore coldly.

"Emily," Dumbledore said. "Good morning... I'm here to speak with Mr Flint."

"Is he in trouble?"

"Quite the contrary, I believe he's never been better."

"Professor," Erick's posture changed when he walked into the room, suddenly he looked more like a young man and less like a boy. "What can I do for you?"

"I have a mission for you... Mel as well, but only if she wishes to go."

"She's not of age," The woman replied quickly.

Mel was ready to accept whatever it was he wanted her to do, she needed to feel like she was doing something. Although she wasn't exactly happy to see him so soon after the end of their last term.

"As I said, only if she wishes to come. I assure you she'd be safe."

The girl looked at her mother and then at the men standing in front of her.

"Can I hear what this is about first?"

Emily crossed her arms without uttering a word, her uncle signalled towards the couch.

"A word, then?"

Erick nodded, making a beeline to the closest armchair. Emily turned to leave, but Dumbledore spoke again.

"You can stay."

The woman shared a look with her daughter, Mel couldn't hide her eagerness to hear what the old man had to say.

"I won't sit there and watch history repeat itself," Emily sighed.

The woman left before Mel could say anything. She would talk to her later, but first, she needed to talk to Dumbledore.

"I beg you not to interrupt me while I speak."

Both pupils silently agreed to his petition.

"Now, I find myself in need of a new Professor, but the man I'd been contemplating for the job has been on the run for almost a year — He's not guilty of any crimes," He added, noticing the way their faces grew worried. "He's just afraid like everyone else... I need you to track him down and point me to where he is so I can have a word with him."

"I'll do it," Erick responded instantly.

"Alone?" Mel frowned.

Dumbledore stared at her for a second too long.

"If I remember correctly today is your sixteenth birthday, isn't it?"

"Yes."

"Mr Flint turned seventeen in January — You may know that's considered to be the start of our adulthood."

"Yes."

"Erick is allowed to do magic outside school... But you still have a year left."

"I don't see —"

"You have Matthew's spirit when it comes to saving a friend, Mel. When you were eleven you left this house with Hagrid so you could look for Harry yourself... The time has come for me to finally be honest with you."

"What do you mean 'finally'?" The words were burning a hole in her brain. "You mean all the things you told me when I was in your office last month... that wasn't it?"

Erick stared at them with polite interest, even though she knew he was dying to ask. Mel hadn't told him a thing about that night out of respect for Harry's privacy.

"That was all I had to tell you regarding the Harry," Dumbledore replied. "There are plenty of things I haven't said, and I wish to talk about them with you."

"And if I agree to go with Erick on this mission... you'll tell me?" Mel raised a brow.

"I'll tell you whether you help me with this or not, but I believe there's nothing else I can teach you, Mel. All that's left for you is to start putting your knowledge to use; I recommend you to go on this mission."

"What about my animagus lessons?"

"Ah, yes," Dumbledore smiled. "I'll help you with that, but that'll be it. You've concluded your lessons with the highest marks, dear girl."

She would've been elated hadn't been because of the strange way her uncle was acting.

"Aren't you happy?" Erick nudged her arm gently. "You've worked hard for years, you should be proud!"

"I am proud," Mel replied shortly. "And I'd love to help, but I can't leave my family, it's not safe."

"They'd go to the burrow if you leave."

"What about Harry?"

"He'll go to the burrow too, but I have a few matters to attend with his family first."

"If Mel wants to stay that's alright, I can go on my own —"

"You can't."

Erick looked at her irritated.

"It's not like you can do magic outside school."

"It takes more than magic to survive out there — You don't know how to blend in with the muggles, do you?"

"You can discuss this throughout the day," Dumbledore grabbed a letter from his pocket. "In this, you'll find all about Horace Slughorn's last known whereabouts and a picture so you can identify him. If you do, don't approach, he'll know you're following him. As soon as you find him come back to Privet Drive and write to me."

"This is all just in case we decide to go, right?"

"I'm going," Erick scowled at her.

"We'll talk about this after dinner," She glared back.

Dumbledore stood up and they followed, Emily was at the entrance ready to let him out.

"I'll wait for your response, then," Her uncle stared at her for a moment. "You and Harry..."

"We haven't decided," She was quick to reply. "We need time."

"Very well."

"You're quiet."

"I have a lot to think about."

Her day had been slightly ruined by her great-uncle's visit. Although Lupin had been there for a couple of hours and stayed for dinner. Mel and Erick talked about the mission and she'd promised to tell Harry after the party was over, which was now.

The Slytherin was upstairs taking a shower and Emily was putting Reggie to bed. Mel and Harry were sitting on the grass, watching the stars above them. She'd fallen into contemplative silence, pondering what to do. She could go chase some stranger for Dumbledore's benefit, or she could stay and look after her family.

"This would be much easier if my mum had asked me to stay!" She pouted.

"I reckon she knows that," Harry responded, throwing small rocks over the fence.

"Won't you?"

"Hmm?"

"You won't ask me to stay?"

Harry stared at her.

"No."

He didn't explain his reasons, but he didn't need to. Mel had made up her mind even if she didn't want to admit it. That was exactly why she was so upset, she wanted to look after her family, but her responsibilities were keeping her apart. Three years of hard work had led to this, and although Mel was a big sister now, winning the war was more important than changing diapers.

Her mother was a whole different problem too. Around them she was always cheery, but Mel was sure she'd heard her cry when none of the boys was around to hear.

She believed it was about Sirius, but it could also be about her and Harry, that she was scared for them. Mel didn't have the heart to lie if her mother were to ask about the prophecy. It was, as they had agreed without even having to speak about it, too much weight to put on their loved one's shoulders. The idea of Emily, the closest thing to a mother Harry ever had, finding out there was a big chance one of them would die after having lost Sirius in such a brutal way...

"I don't think I'll be able to look at Dumbledore in the eye if I come back empty-handed..."

"You're one of the best witches I know," Harry shrugged. "You'll be fine, just try not to murder Flint while you're away."

"He's less annoying now," She grinned. "Ever since he left his parents' house, dunno, he's improved. Although I might murder him if he doesn't stop —"

She was going to say 'flirting', but for some reason, she didn't feel ready to talk about that with Harry. She wasn't ready for anything and yet the world was forcing her to keep moving, it was exhausting.

Mel got up and offered her hand to her friend.

"Do you remember when you were just Harry and I was just Mel, and we were the odd kids at school?" She fixed her gaze on her bedroom window. "Wish we could go back to that."

"When I didn't know I was a wizard?"

"Things were easier back then, don't you think?"

"Maybe," He retorted. "But they were never entirely good."

In Harry, Mel found another reason to stay.

They could have the summer to talk about the things they needed to. She would stare at his aged features and compare them to the ones of that young boy she used to call her best friend...

Their bond still had thousands of cracks that had to be fixed, Mel was having a hard time letting him in again and they needed to be okay in order to know if they wanted to keep the lifeline or not. It wasn't that she didn't want to like him, she wanted the comfort he used to provide, the warmth and security of having someone who understood.

He knew it, and he was trying his best to not mess it up, but Mel didn't want to love him again, cutting the lifeline was the best way to assure that... It was easier said than done, though.

Harry was confused. Sometimes it felt like nothing would ever happen, then an overwhelming affection would crush his chest whenever Mel laughed or touched him. He didn't want to put a name to it, he was terrified of saying it, even to himself. All he knew was that the connection was a way to make sure Mel would be safe, and he didn't want to give that up.

"I should go."

"Yeah..."

"Happy birthday," He said. "I have to be honest and tell you that your present was meant to be sent last Christmas, but..."

"I didn't give you a present either, it's okay... I'm a bit angry though, that was a missed opportunity, I could've won."

Harry laughed.

"You'll have a new chance this year, but I doubt you'll be able to beat me — I've already gotten yours..."

"It's July!"

"I know," His smile vanished suddenly, then he added. "Be careful out there, please."

"Erick'll make sure I don't do anything stupid," Mel smiled. "He's so obsessed with protecting me — as if he didn't know I can do it alone just fine!"

"Yeah, but now's different."

"Different how?"

"We need you alive," He told her. "You want to live long enough to become Headmistress, right?"

Mel froze, not knowing what to answer.

"What?" Harry tilted his head.

"I lied," She blurted out. "I never wanted to be Headmistress — I saw you that night, in the mirror... I saw..."

"What?" He asked again, this time softer.

"You kissed me. A real kiss... like the type we used to gawk at as children."

Harry cleared his throat. "Oh."

A tense silence surrounded them. The variations of colour in his eyes were remarkably easy to notice from where she was standing. She was tilting her head up now, perhaps they were too close.

"Be careful."

"You told me that already," Mel whispered, unable to look away. "Anything else you'd like to say?"

"Yes," He paused, his eyes took a quick glance to her lips. "But if I say it you'll get mad."

Harry kissed her, Mel responded by pulling him down.

It was hard to tell whether she was euphoric or scared, perhaps both, or perhaps neither. As soon as it happened Harry jumped away, and she was dropped back into reality.

"I can't do it — We haven't talked about the lifeline — We won't make the right choice if we let our feelings —"

"You're right! Yes!" Mel said, acting just as agitated. "It's a terrible idea — I like you, but—"

"—it's confusing," He said anxiously. "Do you have feelings for me?"

"Do you have feelings for me?" Mel asked in a high-pitched voice.

"No!" He responded, but his voice trembled with a lack of confidence. "I care about you a lot —"

"— I care for you too —"

"— But just —"

"— as friends!"

They stared at each other with the same frightened expression.

"I'm sorry if I made things uncomfortable," He groaned, running a hand through his hair. "I... I don't want to lose you."

"We need to spend some time apart," She nodded, avoiding his eyes. "We can ignore this happened, right?"

"Absolutely," He agreed. "You're spending the summer at the burrow?"

"My mum and my brother will be there, so I kind of have to... is that okay?"

"It's okay," Harry looked around. "We... we should go."

"Did you ever regret falling for my dad?" Mel asked randomly. "I mean, you ever wonder how things would've turned out if you'd stayed as friends?"

Emily stopped folding her clothes.

"Something nagging that head of yours?"

"I think relationships are a waste of time. They all break and you always end up hurting..."

"What makes you think such nonsense?" Emily raised a brow, leaning back on the couch. "Who are you and what did you do to my daughter?"

"You don't think that way?" She asked doubtfully.

"Because I lost my partners that means I have to be bitter?"

"I didn't mean it like that," Mel replied quickly. "But... yeah."

Emily remained silent for a moment, gathering her thoughts.

"Solitude can do weird things to your heart, love. It can pull you towards bad or good places... People that make you feel a little less lonesome, someone who understands you. You should hold onto that for as long as you can, no matter how scary it is. You never know what wonderful things may bring you..."

"Sirius said something similar a year ago," Mel said quietly. "Something about finding my equal, that the earth's full of options and stuff..."

"I won't force you to find a partner if that's not what you want, but you're young and the world is big, you can't turn your back on every opportunity."

"It's not like I have lots of prospects right now..." She huffed.

"You don't need lots, just the right one."

Mel hesitated for a moment, then added:

"I know you used to have a crush on James Potter."

Emily looked up from the laundry again, she raised a brow. "Oh?"

"I know it was a long time ago," She shifted in her place awkwardly. "But do you ever wonder what would've happened if you two..?"

The woman sighed.

"Only once."

"When?"

"When I found out Voldemort was after his son," She folded the last shirt and handed it to Mel. "I asked myself if I had made the right choice by giving him up... When I look at you I know it was the right thing to do. What happened to James and Lily... it was horrible, but it wasn't my fault. I was happy with your father; maybe Matthew wasn't my first love, but when it comes to this, your first love rarely is the one that lasts."

"Mel?" Erick walked into the room. "If we're planning to drive around all day tomorrow, you should sleep," He nodded shortly at both of them and left the room, her mother chuckled.

"You know, Erick reminds me of your father... I know Sirius said he was like his brother, but Regulus made all the wrong choices... Erick's done all this for himself, to be better. Just like Matty."

Mel's gaze lingered on the doorway long after Erick had left.

"Thank you, for letting me go," She sighed, looking back at the woman. "I don't love following Dumbledore's orders but I... I want to make this world a better place."

"Love," Emily cupped her face adoringly. "I know why you're doing this. Just how I knew why you flew that car to save Harry, and why you went to the Ministry... but you're my daughter, and it's my job to worry about you anyway."

Erick and Mel took three changes of clothing and put them in the trunk, Emily gave them muggle money. Mel had a fake driver's license as well as Erick, and they would take turns driving. Harry was nowhere to be seen, but it was expected since it was five in the morning. She hadn't mentioned the kiss to either her mother or Erick, she was determined to keep it that way, much like the whole lifeline stuff and the prophecy.

'Just pile more secrets on top, why don't you,' She thought bitterly as she walked out of the house.

Emily hugged both and let them kiss Reggie goodbye, Mel promised they would see each other soon, and Erick vowed he'd make sure Mel would be safe (she snorted loudly at this). Once inside the car, her friend took a deep breath.

"Ready?"

"This isn't our first adventure, Prince."

"This one's the first we do with permission."

"You're an adult, you don't need anyone's approval."

"You know what I mean," He rolled his eyes.

"Sorry. I get defensive when I'm —"

"I know," He sighed. "I talk too much when I'm worried."

"I know," She put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed lightly. "I'm ready... We'll be okay."

Next Chapter —>

Taglist.

@dee123ksha @vampiregirl1797 @siriuslysirius1107 @stardusthigh @mikariell95 @vernon-dursley @thesuitelifeofafangirl @tomshollandz @wlwmaximoff @reverse-hxlland @hamiltonwc @omiwashere @t-rexs-world @just-here-to-escape-from-reality @21bruhs @i-am-scared-and-useless-bisexual @dielgonacoffee @thelastpyle

#twoidiots writing #hp fanfic #Harry Potter #harry potter xoc #harry potter fanfiction #WITT fic

23 notes · View notes

hyperfixationtimego · 4 years

Note

Alright we’re trying this angst thing again

Diamond Brothers Angst because I said so

Both Daiya and Mondo have huge self esteem issues bc of the crash

Both think stuff along the lines of what the fuck I could have prevented that

Neither Daiya nor Mondo can sleep very well because when they hear vehicles driving past and the occasional screeching tires they’re back at the scene of the accident

They hear a semi truck rumbling past? Suddenly neither of the brothers remember how to move or breathe properly

They both survived the crash but they were both injured severely bc fuck dude that was a truck that hit them

The Crazy Diamonds witnessed the whole thing and they were Worried™️

And we all know how the Owadas hate being vulnerable

Neither of the brothers could actively ride their motorcycles for a long time after the crash because they couldn’t handle it emotionally

They played off their mental recovery time as time in the hospital

Daiya made Mondo promise not to get back on his motorcycle, much less the road, until he was 100% sure that he was prepared to handle it because what if there’s another freak accident that neither of them have control over

Mondo made Daiya promise the exact same thing because He Cares™️

Mondo has reoccurring nightmares about the crash and often sees Daiya dead in those nightmares

The gang shows up in the nightmares too and they’ve all been hit and it’s all Mondo’s fault and he couldn’t be a good leader because he wasn’t strong enough and why couldn’t he just be more like his brother god fucking dammit

Sometimes he sees Taka or Chihiro in place of Daiya and the Diamonds and that Absolutely Terrifies Him™️

Daiya has reoccurring thoughts about hijacking a truck to hit the driver who hurt him and his little brother

He wants them to feel all the same pain and more that they put the Diamond Brothers through

Daiya has breakdowns over this because even if he is a gang leader, he would not go that far

cue the Am I A Bad Person Complex™️

Mondo does not let himself stim

He doesn’t think it’s manly and it definitely doesn’t fit the Tough Guy™️ act

This leads to worsened focus and next thing you know he and Daiya are having a yelling match at home because if Mondo’s grades drop any lower he’ll be expelled soon and Daiya just wants the best for his brother but nothing works out the way it was planned

One time Mondo received a popsicle stick and paper heart from Taka

He was extremely happy

When he got back to his dorm he was that happy that he was shaking and then oh shit

Mondo broke it

He snapped the popsicle sticks in half

the note that Taka wrote,, it got ripped in the process

Mondo full on sobbed over this for an hour at the least

Actual

Real

Tears

He broke something that Taka— not just his bf, but his best friend— had worked so hard on to make just for him and he fucking broke it like a shit for brains idiot

Mondo is terrified of hurting his friends

Because what if he forgets to take his adhd meds one day and his emotional dysregulation is all fucked up and he has an outburst again and actually hurts his friends

Or what if he takes 2+ doses by accident and focuses too hard and is left staring at one (1) spot and everyone hates him and what if they think he’s a creep

Mondo hates going out of his dorm at night because what if someone else is out and they have a flashlight and now they’re pointing it at him and it’s bright and those are headlights and that’s

that’s his brother

on the ground

not moving

Mondo will start shaking and he’ll break down hyperventilating or freeze on the spot

Either way, he hates being vulnerable

Whaddaya think? :D was that enough angst?

also can you tell that i kin Daiya on the dl bc i too got hit by a moving vehicle to save my young mer sibling from being hit /lh but also srs lmfo

HEY TINK??? HEY TINK????????

GodDAMN make me cry over this shit oKAY-

also sorry this took ✨forever✨ I had to gather my Thoughts™️ and my brain did not want to work today 😌

also before we get into my things, tw for trauma (obviously), unhealthy coping mechanisms, underage smoking/drug relapse/smoking as a crutch, and suicidal ideation (passive, but still there)

First of all, y e a h oh my god?? There is literally so much internalized guilt for both of them,,,,,like they rlly do have episodes sometimes where they just. Play over the events of what lead up to the crash in their heads and fixate on what they could have done differently,,,,,even though in the moment they both did their best? Like “well, I shouldn’t have taken us down this street” or “if I had acted quicker, maybe it wouldn’t have happened” and.....yeah those thoughts really fuck with them, y’know?

and 100% that unexpected/overwhelming vehicle noises and/or presences are nearly debilitating. Honestly, I imagine that Mondo can’t go hang out with Leon and Taka or whoever else if said people are hanging out in Kaz’s workshop. Owada’s only ever been in there once and immediately had to leave when he heard Kazuichi starting an engine he was working on. Not to mention being surrounded by a shit ton of vehicles, even if they were idle, had kept him on-edge the entire thirty seconds he was able to handle it.

They both deal with a lot of phantom pain, as well. Like something triggers them and suddenly, even if they’re able to remain in the moment and keep conscious of their surroundings, they somehow feel every ache, every twinge of pain, every breaking bone, or bruised patch of skin that they felt on that day. It’s a lot more prominent in Daiya than it is with Mondo, but they do both experience it!

And neither one lets the other know when they’re feeling like shit or having an episode because 😌 Daiya. wants to be strong. for his little brother. and Mondo. sees his brother basically functioning like a typical person. and figures that there’s something wrong with him. because he can’t get over what happened.

Takemichi is absolute shit with Emotions and being vulnerable or getting people to open up to him, but he’s like..........internally these bitches are Not Okay what the fuck am I supposed to do about it???? So he kind of...tries to hint to both of them that he’s worried? Without making it obvious or embarrassing them, but he’s like.......fuck these assholes.......making me be the one to make them realize they need help goddamnit........

And michi exhibiting a change in behavior is pretty 👀 because. it’s michi I mean he’s not just gonna change the way he talks in front of u for nothing, u know? So both Daiya and Mondo are actually able to pick up on it, although their reactions differ pretty greatly.

Like Daiya’s first thought is “wow, he’s worried, that’s really sweet of him. Better convince him everything’s okay.”

Meanwhile Mondo’s is “wow, he’s worried. my stupid emotional turmoil is that obvious. he must think I’m some sorta fuckin idiot for not being able to get over it. or selfish. or both. yeah, probably both.”

Also I think Daiya’s pretty perceptive in general? Like he can Tell™️ that something’s going on with his brother, but........yeah emotional conversations....vulnerability......that’s rlly neither of their strong suits. + he also figures that if it were something mondo were really really really having trouble with, he would come talk to him!

And so Daiya has absolutely no concept of just how Not Good his brother is doing right now hbbvvvv

So he settles for being like “I’m just gonna stay strong and act like the memories and intrusive thoughts aren’t affecting me in any way because I want to be a good role model” (which. is not healthy obv)

oh g o d the nightmares

they are so horrible and vivid and concentrated at times that Mondo simply.....refuses to sleep. He’s exhausted, both mentally and physically, and yet he can’t bring himself to close his eyes because he knows what he’ll see if he does.

And of course it affects him to the point that his friends start to become worried. Like Taka notices a stark increase in tardiness or general absences, and, after an initial assumption that it was simply Mondo choosing not to care about his academics again, realized that there was probably a lot more going on than he realized. He really, really wanted to bring it up and let his boyfriend know that he’ll always be there for him no matter what, but he couldn’t quite figure out how to articulate it properly. The farthest he gets is with the question, “is everything okay?”

And as much as Mondo wants to respond to him by saying that no, in fact, everything is not okay, everything sucks and everything hurts and he’s tired and he hates himself and sometimes he wishes that the crash had killed him, but that’s selfish so he should shut up- he just.....can’t bring himself to open himself up like that. Yes, he and Ishi are dating, so logically he should be able to tell him all this, but.....it’s so much. It’s too much. Too much to think, too much to feel, let alone try to explain. So he shuts himself up with a quick, curt, “Yeah.”

And....Taka knows he’s lying. He’s not sure how he knows, but he does. And it hurts to see someone he loves so much in such a state of anguish, and basically be unable to do anything about it because....how is he supposed to respond? What is he supposed to say? Navigating everyday interaction is difficult enough without having to improv something that could affect his partner’s mental health indefinitely. So....he does his best. Which isn’t enough, really, but it’s something.

“You can tell me anything.”

Mondo wants to believe him.

—

Another side of that same coin is Mondo skipping class a lot more than is typical for him. It’s almost always with Leon, but he’s also begun slipping away on his own, occasionally, as well, now.

And....y’know, at first, Leon thought it was super rad that Owada and he were skipping more! Like it used to be that Kuwata would offer for them to miss the next class, and Mondo’s usual answer would be ‘not today,’ and then Leon would keep bugging him about it until Mondo either gave in or told him to fuck off.

But....there’s just something about how it went from Leon being constantly shut down, to being told yes around the first few times the idea was brought up, to how, suddenly, Kuwata wasn’t even the one asking, anymore. It’s....depressing? Uncomfortable?

There’s also the fact that hanging out while they’re cutting just....isn’t as fun as it used to be? Leon’ll crack jokes or come up with stupid dares, and Mondo’s responses will be noncommittal at best. And Leon’s had enough experience with sleep deprivation to know it in his friends when he sees it.

He’s never been put in this situation before - usually it’s kuwata having some sort of stupid episode and usually it’s owada who’ll tell him to chill the fuck out and think rationally about things, but....Mondo acts a lot different when he’s upset than Leon does. He smokes more. Cuts himself off from everyone. Doesn’t engage with anything.

It’s different with people like Toko, or Makoto, or Kaz, because Leon knows what they need. He knows whether or not they need vulnerability, or a physical presence, or tough love, or tactile grounding, or a willing ear or shoulder to cry on, but with Mondo......he just isn’t sure.

So Leon doesn’t comment.

——-

Chihiro’s probably the one to get him to open up about it ngl.

ANYWAY-

y e a h Daiya intrusive thoughts?????? fuck yeah???? absolutely??????

god yeah I rlly feel him on that ngl hbhdbdbdbbb

and MONDO DARLING 🥺

god okay it SUCKS because????? he doesn’t judge his friends for stimming????? Like he sees his friends fidgeting or repeating phrases or rocking back and forth and he’s like???? Hell yeah you go u funky kid ilysm

But when it comes to himself????? he’s like if I do anything aside from stay perfectly still, I’m weird and bad and a failure so I simply Will Not

he’s wrong but it doesn’t change the fact that he feels that way ❤️

hhhvhvvdd I’m also a slut for daiya doing his best as a makeshift parental figure,,,,,,,like fuck dude okay,,,,,,as an older sibling who also loves and cares about their younger sibs but often finds emotionally connecting with them to be difficult,,,,,,,,,mood??? And having all of that amplified by rlly being his younger bro's only support in his home life,,,,,,,like ok mr. owada go off

he feels a lot of pressure to get it right and make sure that Mondo's doing okay, so the grades really worry him. but, of course, grades are a touchy subject with mondo regardless, so as u said it devolves into arguments and yelling and a lot of defensiveness!!

and god okay,,,,,,,the heart rlly got me,,,,,,,like that hurt. it rlly hurt man okay damn

honestly??? I think that might be the thing that gets him to break. like that might be his final straw.

because when they meet up again, Ishi asks him about it and whether or not he liked it. And Mondo just.

fucking.

breaks.

down.

He’s shaking and he’s crying and there’s snot running down his nose and this is so ugly and so not manly but he can’t stop. he can’t stop. Because there is this sweet, gentle, kind, sweet, beautiful, darling, sweet man before him who did something so nice for him, something he didn’t deserve, and he destroyed it.

Like he destroys everything.

And so when Taka panics and asks him what’s wrong (yes Ishi gets worried that he did something bad and yes ishi also gets worried that his boyfriend didn’t like the present because hdbdvdvd kin 💛) owada just. spills everything. and he doesn’t even begin with the gift??? he starts with apologies upon apologies, many of them incoherent, and many of them with Mondo not even certain what he’s apologizing for, just that he knows he needs to

and ofc Taka is like o-o because wow ok

but after his initial shock, and after Mondo has thoroughly cried himself out and explained everything he could stand to explain at that point in time, Taka just......holds him. And strokes his face, brushing away the tears that have not yet dried, simply offering his body as a weight, as something for Mondo to ground himself with. And it works.

And Taka insists that Mondo has nothing to apologize for, only that he wishes Mondo would have told him what was going on sooner. Because he wants to help. And hearing that just gets Owada’s waterworks going all over again, but he’s still got Ishi there with him. He hasn’t scared him off.

And it’s more than enough.

—

and UGH yeah????? yes absolutely absolutely okay okay so,,,,,,,,mondo comorbid adhd/depression/anxiety

like sir 🤝

got me fucked up smh

honestly he’s probably not diagnosed with the depression or anxiety, either, until something like the incident with ishi prompts him to realize oh wow I’m not okay actually

so yes he 100% does???

he constantly has all of these what if situations swirling around in his brain about what might happen if he fucks up, or does something that he doesn’t qualify as fucking up in the moment, but leads to something awful or painful or harmful for someone else, and he’s just??????? g o d

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olivemeister · 3 years

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OKAY NEO THOUGHTS NOW THAT I’VE BEATEN IT AND HAD TIME TO MARINATE. no spoilers for another day bc i haven’t finished it yet, but i did go “no, why shan’t i? i have the internet” and watched the secret endings on youtube so those and the secret reports will be discussed. yeah. so here’s some thoughts. i’m going to talk a lot about the more contentious things, i think. and again i haven’t finished another day so nothing to do with that, but of course major ending spoilers for the main scenario.

these are my opinions both as a writer and a media consumer, so there’s kinda two levels here. it is very freeform “as i think of it” structurally so my sincerest apologies if it’s all over the place. i am trying to keep specific topics confined rather than splattering the same plot point/whatever all through the post, but it’s not like i’m posting a peer-revied academic essay here. it’s also fucking enormous and i would say sorry but that would be a lie.

the majority of the game, i actually really enjoyed. the localization was excellent and i can’t praise it enough. i know people threw fits over the “horrible overstep” of... teenagers using slang. but did you know, in real life, teenagers use slang? even in japan, there’s slang? wild but true! the dialogue was great, and while i can’t say much re: the jp cast since i played in english, the newcomers for the english cast were spectacular. i actually think the newcomers were, in some cases, stronger than the returning cast. even in characters where i didn’t like the voice (nagi had to grow on me, i admit it), they were a fantastic match for the character’s personality.

the emotional beats re: character deaths, typically, landed the way i think the writers wanted; kanon’s death in week 3 had me devastated even though i could see it coming a mile away. i think that’s a testament to the best parts of the writing; as soon as i understood how the current game was being run, i knew it was fairly inevitable that every other team would eventually lose. odds would be that, barring something like someone changing teams or a team merger, the majority of the other teams would be completely wiped out. i knew far in advance that kanon would likely not make it to the end of the story, but it still fucked me up when it finally happened not just because i cared about kanon, but also because of how much the other characters cared about her. some character deaths affected me far less, of course. i think kanon was the epitome of “this hit exactly as hard as the writers wanted it to”, but i do feel they fell short with others. ayano’s lack of development really hurt my ability to be saddened by her death, especially when it was so clear that she set up her own possession as a trap for shoka. it undermined things for shoka in general, because while she was devastated to lose ayano, the game did a poor job at making their relationship tangible and meaningful. i felt worse (not necessarily sadder, just worse) about motoi’s death, and i didn’t like motoi. speaking of him...

the biggest issue i have with the game is a chronic square enix issue. kubo is the Man Pulling The Strings, whatever, this is fine. the problem is that he, minamimoto, motoi, and arguably susukichi are the only characters in the game with dark skin. they are all morally grey at best. i don’t think i need to elaborate on why this is an issue. we’re not going to pretend that racism and colorism don’t exist in japan. i’m just going to say that all of the dark-skinned characters are either totally evil, excessively violent, and/or morally dubious. this is my biggest qualm, but i don’t feel it needs more elaboration. yes, i know motoi turns it around in the end. yes, i know susukichi ultimately changes sides as well, and he’s ultimately portrayed as sympathetic. minamimoto is........ his own beast. but the fact remains that we don’t get a single major character who’s darker and unambiguously heroic.

second big issue is that while i understand the decision to keep shiki off camera until the very end for emotional impact, i feel like this was to the detriment of the story and to the detriment of said impact. she was mentioned, sure, and she was briefly seen from the shoulders down in a cutscene long before her introduction, but i feel that this was ultimately for the worse. her absence in the plot made her a borderline non-entity that can easily leave the audience going “why should i care about this?” on what’s supposed to be a huge emotional cathartic moment. yes, people should know this is a sequel and neku and shiki’s friendship was a crucial part of the original game, and much of the endgame of neo makes no sense if you’re unfamiliar with the original, but their interactions in the ending felt incredibly shallow. and i think this is because of how little shiki appears and how isolated she is from her other friends. eri is unseen and unmentioned. she doesn’t interact with rhyme. she hardly interacts with beat, using him as a translator at best. her other relationships are just... stagnant at best, ignored at worst, and despite having had just as vital of a role in the first game as beat did, she does nothing of import onscreen. her only narrative actions are “fix mr mew (mentioned but not seen)” and “be sad about neku”. so, functionally...

for some reason (we know why) the story decided that the only thing that was important to shiki was seeing neku. but by holding off on this reveal of her, we lost the impact that their meeting could have had. because the game refused to show her it didn’t show how much his absence was affecting her, which leaves their reunion feeling incredibly hollow. shiki was gone for upwards of 90% of the game. if not for the first game, this reunion would mean nothing; the narrative does a terrible job of reminding the audience that neku and shiki have a strong relationship and i don’t know if it’s that they expected the first game to have done the heavy lifting, or they thought that what neo gave us was good rather than “good enough”. imo this was an enormous failure and i wish we had gotten more for her both as part of the plot and as a character.

this was an issue present with rhyme as well imo, though to a lesser degree. i think they should have given up the ghost much sooner on confirming that the shadowed figure was rhyme; it was obvious by the time they showed us her silhouette, so i don’t know why the narrative held off on showing her. they didn’t have to introduce her to rindo (or give her the name splash screen) yet, but people who played the first game and are paying attention know it’s rhyme, so why bother hiding her? most of what rhyme accomplishes in this game is off-camera as well, but she has double the screen time that shiki gets.

the shiki thing is another symptom of a common squeenix problem these days, which is poorly-handled implied romantic interests. and i think that was also present with how the end of the game treated shoka. rindo and shoka as an implied romance in general did not bother me; more than a lot of squeenix protags, and perhaps primarily because of the excellent job the english cast did, i actually was unbothered by the suggestion of budding romantic feelings because it felt genuine. they actually felt like a pair of teenagers who were starting to be interested in each other, trying to play it cool and prioritize. this, and shoka’s characterization in general, is really helped by the reveal of swallow’s identity; it retroactively heightens her closeness to rindo specifically and offers enormous insight into her decision to help the team covertly. however, i think this budding implied romance was severely undermined by having other characters comment on it, especially because it felt so out of place timing-wise whenever someone commented. it was never warranted; there are times where they seem to be... not flirting, but not doing a good job of pretending there isn’t an interest. this is not when comments come. the comments come when they are having a totally normal interaction that does not suggest any non-platonic feelings whatsoever.

up until the final day, i had fairly ambivalent feelings about the idea of them as the designated hetero pairing. i felt it was a vast improvement from recent shoehorned romances in squeenix properties. the ending made things much more contentious to me, specifically how shoka is vanished by joshua. the audience should at least have the suspicion that he’s reviving her, but the circumstances surrounding it are the problem more than joshua being a deus ex machina. it’s not the first time joshua was a troll re: reviving someone, but the context of why shoka’s revival is necessary is, well... unnecessary.

they barely foreshadow the shinjuku rules re: reapers, and i will freely admit it’s not remotely ooc for shoka to hide something like that until she can’t any more. but they seem to be just a contrived excuse for shoka to be taken away... and from the framing of it, not from the player, but from rindo. which, i don’t know that i need elaborate on why i wasn’t fond of that. and i won’t lie - i know everybody beefed it in those cutscenes, including beat and neku. but when the dissonance noise grabbed shoka it gave me the exact same vibe as the demon tide grabbing kairi in kh3, and i don’t think i need to elaborate more on why that would put a bad taste in my mouth and make me fearful for shoka’s future treatment in the game. i was worried that the narrative was going to yank her away from rindo like a prize being snatched from him, and it did! while i do also think it’s ic for joshua to fuck around the way he did when reviving her, it also seems contrived and brings up a major question.

if shoka is still playing by shinjuku rules, why does shibuya’s composer have the ability to overturn her erasure? yes, i know, shinjuku is gone, but its composer is still active. surely joshua having the authority to do what he did indicates that on a cosmic bureaucracy level, shoka is a shibuya reaper. the secret reports offer a potential that joshua exploited a loophole by waiting until the second after the shinjuku rules resulted in shoka’s soul being dissolved in order to snatch it up, so perhaps the explanation is that her erasure meant she was technically no longer a shinjuku reaper and no longer beholden to its rules. but that doesn’t answer a different question that honestly bothers me more than the admittedly sorta insignificant question of whether or not joshua overstepped in reviving shoka.

shinjuku’s game has ended because shinjuku has ended; why are its rules still in play for former shinjuku reapers? i am aware that shiba is the conductor “legally” and he has made changes to shibuya’s game, but they’re careful to specify that the “ex-reapers are erased at the end of the game” rules are from shinjuku and do not apply to shibuya reapers. is she considered by the higher plane to be joshua’s underling and not hazuki’s? the secret reports confirm that the transfer of personnel from the destroyed shinjuku to shibuya was authorized by the acting conductor (uzuki) and this is standard procedure, everything was done properly. so “legally” the formerly-shinjuku reapers are shibuya reapers, right? hanekoma notes in particular that it’s a culture clash leading to the shinjuku reapers being designated as such and that they’re only nominally shinjuku reapers. why are a defunct game’s rules still active?

the biggest issue is that shoka’s threat of erasure was unnecessary from a narrative perspective, especially given how quickly it’s introduced and resolved. what was the point of putting this in the story if five minutes later the issue is just dealt with, no effort, minimal tension, by a (narratively speaking, don’t come after me joshua fans) minor character who doesn’t even appear until after the plot is resolved? i honestly wonder if it was just the writers deciding joshua needed to do something so that his appearance in the ending wasn’t just shallow fanservice for people who wanted to see the original gang. joshua’s lack of action is also presumably going to be contentious with fans; i’ve read the secret reports, and i don’t feel that they sufficiently justify why he doesn’t make any moves to protect his city despite being positioned both in his own dialogue and the secret reports as someone opposing shibuya’s purification. i will talk about this a little later re: kubo’s motivations though.

i also think it’s kind of stupid that joshua sets up “find her and you win” and then... rindo doesn’t do anything in that regard. he just bumps into her in the scramble. i know i already said i hate the idea of her being a prize to be won in a game but if they’re going to set it up, why make it pointless in that regard? it feels so unnecessary. joshua portrays shoka’s revival/return as something to be earned, and unlike the ending of twewy there’s no recognition that he was actually just fucking with them.

this is similar to my mixed feelings about kubo’s defeat. on one hand, i wanted to smash his face in personally, i have hated him the entire game. on the other hand, having him jesus beamed and rewritten out of existence without any warning or chance to resist was fucking hilarious and i actually laughed out loud. my speculation as to why he didn’t get a boss fight is that developers worried about people having trouble suspending disbelief over the party being able to defeat an angel. ultimately i think the only way this could have been done was to have it be a boss battle where your victory doesn’t matter, like the week 1 fight with susukichi, and have hazuki curbstomp kubo in the post-battle cutscenes. ultimately, i feel like this was a lesser of two evils; i don’t think the “you lose in the cutscene” approach would have necessarily been significantly better than what we got, i recognize that “the battle didn’t matter and you lose in the cutscene after” is a contentious game trope. and i would understand people struggling to accept the cast defeating a being from a higher plane without intervention from said higher plane. the only benefit would be the catharsis of getting to slap kubo around, which admittedly i kind of miss. having him as a secret boss was an option i guess but i think it would bring more questions than it was worth.

kubo’s motivation is also just bizarre; i understand that it’s given as him getting overzealous after carrying out his orders to purify shinjuku, but why? i feel like this could have easily been fixed/rationalized by “shinjuku’s surviving reapers fled to shibuya, leading kubo to consider shibuya to be an extension of shinjuku”, but that’s solely speculation. i do not know why kubo decided to also start an inversion in shibuya. they didn’t give me enough information. his conflict with joshua is inexplicable and almost entirely offscreen via the secret reports. i do not feel like i have a grasp on why the plot of the game even happened. hazuki’s involvement is iffy; i can’t say whether he initially approved of kubo’s overstep and changed his mind, or if he just took his time collecting his errant underling. the secret reports suggest the former, and hanekoma noting that the contentious nature of the previous game’s events gives a speculative explanation for why no action was taken if hazuki was actually making moves against shibuya rather than kubo being out of line. hazuki could damn well have been lying, there’s a precedent for composers being full of shit and telling bold-faced lies to protagonists, though in the previous game these lies were all eventually uncovered. this leaves me to believe that ultimately, hazuki’s statements regarding kubo acting outside of his given authority were mostly honest. but what i don’t understand is why joshua took such a hands-off approach.

yes, he says he figured the main cast had it under control and would have stepped in had things gotten worse, but this appearance and statement comes long after rindo fails and shibuya is destroyed in multiple timelines. why did he not step in in the first timeline? i can speculate, but the game and secret reports do not do a great job in explaining why the proxy vs. proxy game even happened in the first place. kubo is hazuki’s underling, which makes joshua higher in the pecking order than kubo. if hazuki was capable of exorcising kubo instantaneously, why didn’t joshua just flick him off the board like a flea before he even got started trying to cause an inversion in shibuya? in the epilogue of a new day joshua is seen in conversation with hanekoma, who’s taking shinjuku’s inversion seriously, which seems at odds with how easily his fellow composer ends the problem.

retroactively, i guess i could rationalize this as him realizing that either shinjuku’s composer must be responsible for said inversion or that potentially shinjuku’s composer has been compromised in some way. and i can rationalize him failing to immediately jesus beam kubo as well - it’s possible that, as kubo was initially acting under the orders of another composer (assuming hazuki is still technically “legally” one/at the bureaucratic level of one), joshua’s hands were somewhat tied re: what actions he could take without potential consequences. it could be that joshua would get in big trouble if he took disciplinary action against another composer’s underling, but 1. the legal transfer of personnel should mean kubo is joshua’s underling, not hazuki’s, see the shoka problem 2. hazuki’s status as a composer is questionable given that his territory is now purified and its game is defunct 3. given that kubo was acting outside of his original composer’s turf and outside of his initial orders (purify shinjuku) at this point i feel like that isn’t likely. it could be that he was trying to avoid a conflict with hazuki himself. it may be that he considered it hazuki’s responsibility to retrieve kubo, but that’s at odds with him choosing a proxy to combat kubo’s and his claims that he totally would have done something, really, he swears. they don’t give us much info at all as to why joshua entered a game with kubo in the first place. i have reason to believe that something’s fishy in the secret reports, and i would like to see the japanese text, which i’ll mention again in a few paragraphs.

i know the absence of shibuya’s composer is partially, and perhaps primarily, “there wouldn’t be a plot if joshua fixed it”. but it really feels like they just kinda tucked joshua in the corner and hoped fans wouldn’t be like “hey where is shibuya’s composer and why is no one mentioning them?” that part is probably for the same reason we don’t see shiki until the very ending, teasing the audience by holding off on revealing him until the last second, but it’s jarring to me that shiki is mentioned but neither neku, beat, nor any of the reapers (!) think “we should contact the composer”. even if just to say “we can’t contact the composer, he is unreachable”! i guess it’s to avoid people remembering how significant joshua is and thinking too hard about it, because joshua is simply too powerful of a character to be running around freely. the plot falls apart when you have a character who’s so strong and, in his own words, kind of omnipotent, who could trivialize the conflict in an instant if he took action.

i feel like they surely could have given a more explicit reason for him to not be involved in the story, even if it’s a reason like “he’s in trouble with the higher plane”. which could have easily been set up! hanekoma is clear in his reports that shibuya’s impurification is highly contentious in the higher plane; people are big mad about it, potentially people higher in the chain of command than a composer. this could have been easily utilized as an explanation for why joshua is hands-off; he’s on a shit list and needs to step carefully as a result. but it’s just not addressed. hanekoma is unreachable according to his reports, and he notes that people are trying to contact him for help. are we just to assume that people have looked for joshua to ask for help in the past but it was so long ago that it isn’t even worth mentioning now to the newcomers? according to other reports, the higher ups are pissed with joshua about his game with kitaniji and are turning a blind eye to what’s happening with kubo in shibuya as a result. but this doesn’t explain why the members of the shibuya UG never discuss the composer. hanekoma’s reports have him confused as to joshua’s lack of action as well; he knows the context of what’s going on in shibuya but doesn’t understand why joshua is staying silent.

that said! the fact that hazuki’s motive for the destruction of shinjuku is never stated does not bother me too much. he’s placed in a position very parallel to joshua in the first game, and he even says he felt like he was following in josh’s footsteps. when you add his seemingly-genuine inability to understand why people care about shibuya, i feel there’s enough evidence to... not dismiss, but nudge this aside as “He Too is a misanthropic bastard”; shinjuku’s destruction is a parallel to the intended destruction of shibuya in the first game. hazuki just carried on where joshua had a change of heart. the secret reports complicate this; it might be that someone fucked up in transcribing, but the reports i read online state that shibuya’s composer, i.e. joshua, was responsible for the destruction of shinjuku due to a game with kubo. this does not make sense given everything else, including hazuki’s own statements and later reports, so i’m setting that aside for the moment as either an uncaught mistake either in translation or transcription online (most likely) or hanekoma not knowing the actual truth until receiving the post-purification shinjuku reports. hanekoma also suggests that hazuki’s goal was also the purification of shibuya, but as he’s not shibuya’s composer this is certainly not his jurisdiction so i’m curious as to what exactly happened there.

EDIT: i’ve been informed by a helpful anon that this is not a mistranslation, the japanese secret reports do state that it was a game involving joshua that resulted in shinjuku’s inversion. with that in mind, i have figured out how to rationalize this and it solves a lot of problems: if it was a proxy game between joshua and kubo, then joshua must have been the opposition to shinjuku’s inversion. though you could argue that joshua is responsible for the end result, he didn’t destroy shinjuku; his proxy lost, probably because kubo’s had the support of shinjuku’s composer. kubo’s overconfidence in running rampant in shibuya is now explicable and he may have been trying to rub it in that joshua lost.

if hazuki was still backing kubo post-shinjuku, this could explain why hazuki felt he could make decisions about shibuya’s fate and wander around it; joshua had already overstepped onto his turf to meddle in purification, so he was returning the favor. at this point in time, i figure that joshua’s proxy was either tsugumi’s brother (shinjuku’s conductor) or coco (she’s noted to have inexplicable powers for a rank-and-file reaper, but joshua’s opposition to her killing of neku throws this into question), and if we truly had a scrapped “shinjuku’s final game” plot then joshua’s proxy could also have been neku. kubo’s proxy was presumably shiba. this actually answers a few questions that i couldn’t rationalize when i assumed joshua was uninvolved (why would shinjuku’s composer be running a game against kubo when they wanted the same thing?), so i’m gonna chalk it up as an absolute win.

i think hishima as a character was... sort of nothing. he was just there. yeah, it was kinda funny how he dressed shiba down, but i don’t know that the plot needed him. his role in the endgame could have easily been given to tsugumi without much fuss, and i feel tsugumi deserved a much bigger part in the narrative given how much she was hyped up by solo and final remix. she was so prominent and anticipated that the fans called her hype-chan for years before we had a name for her. this could also be folded into the problem with hiding shiki until the very end; it feels like we missed a whole sequence with both of these characters simply because the narrative refused to show us shiki. instead, we’re told that shiki showed up and fixed mr. mew, and somehow this freed tsugumi. i think the fact that they don’t even give a flashback of this crucial event after shiki’s proper introduction is just a questionable decision. the story tells us that tsugumi’s release from the plushie is of the utmost importance and shiba can’t be swayed without her, setting it up as a vital event, but it happens offscreen with no real interaction with the main cast. it also only happens after multiple failed loops, even though rindo’s interference is what prevents the meeting between coco and shiki to repair the plushie. i don’t understand this from a logistical standpoint; if coco isn’t pulled to escort rhyme, she must have met with shiki and released tsugumi in timely manner, but tsugumi does not appear until after you replay to get coco back to her original schedule. you could wave it off as “she didn’t get there fast enough”, but i can’t accept that as a reason given the circumstances; it’s not like she would have to look hard to find shiba. this one’s flawed writing; i know in a meta sense why she didn’t appear, it was to build tension etc etc, but in-universe it’s a plot hole.

coco being so absent from the plot is also somewhat conspicuous. i wonder what reception of her was like in japan and if that influenced her lack of presence in the story. i honestly don’t even know if she was received well by the english audience, all i know is that i did not like her at all in final remix. not from an “i don’t like the villain because they’re doing bad things” perspective, from an “i don’t find this character compelling and i think they’re annoying” perspective. also curious as to whether or not her speech patterns changed in the japanese dialogue since final remix; i found her far less jarring and obnoxious in neo and i think it’s enormously because she stopped talking verbally in internet shorthand. overall, coco’s retool was imo a change for the better, but she’s barely there for me to appreciate how much of an improvement she was. it feels like there’s an entire narrative we were set up for by a new day, yet it’s almost completely missing. the ending of a new day laid out this framework for neku and minamimoto to be forced allies in an unseen future game. i had mixed feelings about this conceptually, but the narrative setup was fairly transparent. not only does this not happen, coco’s motivation in a new day and what ultimately happened were so lacking to me.

i feel like something got lost and we were originally going to actually see and perhaps play the shinjuku game that ended in disaster instead of just getting a summation and brief flashbacks of the survivors fleeing. this kinda ties in with my complaints about how hyped tsugumi was by solo and final remix, and then she turned out to have a very small (albeit crucial, via her trailer ability) and mostly unseen role in neo’s story. retroactively we learn that rindo’s visions are from tsugumi, but this is something she does entirely off-screen. all of coco’s scheming was for nothing, because joshua was a deus ex machina and whisked neku away the second he died. this feels to me like cut content or rewrites; there’s a whole game’s worth of story that just happened off-camera and we got to hear a little bit about it. it wasn’t enough, imo. i think doing it as a midquel is still possible, but it’s a hard sell to create a video game with a downer ending and we know shinjuku’s fate is already set in stone... even though a new day ended on the tragic cliffhanger of neku’s death, it’s a little different since it’s coming as an optional postgame sequel hook after victory rather than the entire narrative you fought through ending in failure. i suppose it could be done with a Distant Epilogue now that we know shiba and most of his surviving reapers will return to rebuild shinjuku. ultimately i really think that if not for the concern about neku overshadowing the new cast, shinjuku’s purification could and should have been the prologue to neo. it would be a tough balancing act, but i do think it could have been done right and it would have done a lot for narrative tension with his absence if we had a prologue following him that ends in a cliffhanger re: shinjuku’s purification. neku’s role in the story was done decently i think re: how big said role was, but a lot of circumstances surrounding his absence, legendary status, and reappearance leave much to be desired.

frankly, i just don’t like how much they glossed over neku’s three year absence. we’re given a vague explanation of what he was doing, but it isn’t actually an explanation. definitely again feels like a plot rewrite situation; there’s this huge blank space of neku doing nothing because there used to be a story that we were going to play through and it got scrapped for whatever reason. overall i feel neku’s characterization was very odd and perhaps a little inconsistent in this game; he didn’t have much of a personality at all, which i struggle to reconcile with the original game. we don’t see how he reconciled with coco, it’s just dismissed entirely as “no we’re good now”. how are we good? why did you forgive her for playing murder games instead of just explaining shit? i know he forgave joshua for his gatekeep gaslight girlboss behavior in the first game, but we had context as to why he made that decision. also what the fuck was keeping him from coming back to shibuya, i don’t feel like that was sufficiently explained either? for someone who was so hyped up by the narrative, i was a little let down by how insignificant neku ended up being to the plot as a whole. and again, his personality seemed very watered down and neutral despite the seriousness of the situation. why was he so mellow? the circumstances of his return i did really like, because... well, we’ll talk about character relationships i guess.

i already summed up my feelings on rindo and shoka and i think i’ll leave them on the note of “unnecessary elements dampened my potential for overt enthusiasm, but overall i feel neutral-positive about the suggestion of romantic interest” which is a lot more than i can say about a lot of (semi-)official pairings. on a broader and more platonic scale? generally i have positive feelings about the new cast and their interactions; i feel like their development is more understated than neku’s in the first game, his character arc is very in your face and the neo cast is not nearly as overt, but you can see the difference in how the team interacts across the three weeks. rindo and fret’s established friendship, not to be dismissive of it, does exactly what it needs to. i mean this in a completely positive way. it’s an established friendship, they feel like friends, and they serve initially as anchors to one another in the beginning of the game as a “you’re the only person i know in this chaos” setup. this contrasts neku in the first game in an excellent way because of how it highlights their biggest character flaws, which i’ll talk about later; it’s important to rindo’s fatal flaw that he has someone to fall back and rely on in the beginning of the game in the same way that it’s crucial for neku’s development that he’s surrounded by strangers who he must learn to trust and rely on in order to survive. rindo and fret can lean on each other in the beginning of the game, and as people who have known each other for some time, are able to recognize and appreciate each others’ positive changes.

i do love the development of nagi’s friendship with fret, particularly how it’s sometimes but not always remarked on when she shelves her initial aloof attitude with him. i prefer when a narrative is more subtle on that kind of thing; pointing it out every once in a while is okay, but i don’t want it shoved down my throat via dialogue that characters are developing an emotional bond. we can see that nagi is slowly becoming more receptive to fret and less likely to dismiss or disparage him. it seems like their initial relationship is that of two people who have opposite struggles; nagi is notably closed off in the beginning, but fret immediately approaches her with an unearned and offputting level of familiarity. their slow and understated (more noticeable with nagi than fret) development towards accepting each other as friends is mutually beneficial to them even outside of the context of their personal relationship; nagi opens up a little with everyone, not just fret. placing two people with very different perspectives on how to interact with new people in close proximity helped both of them grow. i’m sure other people have different perspectives, but i do not feel like they were being teased as a pairing which i enormously appreciate, i am tired of “pair the spares” shit. (minor note: i also appreciate how while fret’s crush on kanon was very overt and strong, she was also fairly clear that she considered him a kid and his feelings were never going to be reciprocated because of that age gap. i know, the bar is low, but thank god.)

i love how, despite nagi now having been confirmed as older than beat, as soon as beat joins the narrative he takes this hard stance of “i’m the one who’s already been in this hellscape so it’s my responsibility to help the newbies”. he really embodies the big brother role so well in this game; he knows a little more about what’s going on, this isn’t his first rodeo even if it’s not exactly the same, so he considers himself to have an obligation to protect the others. he serves as sort of a physical and emotional rock for the team from the second he joins, becoming an excellent support for them both as a combatant and an older brother figure. he has experience in being both of these things, and i think beat’s writing is some of the best in the game.

despite his position as a former player who’s back in the UG, he meshes with the newbies perfectly. he doesn’t overshadow the rest of the team despite having more lived (ha) experience in the reaper’s game, he doesn’t feel like he’s on a different level from them or anything like that. he fits in while serving an important unique role that he can only fill because of his prior time in the UG. it’s completely understandable and reasonable why rindo remains the team leader despite beat’s presence. he’s had a three year gap since his last game and doesn’t even understand how he returned to the UG. he’s not a fish out of water, he knows the UG and the game. but he’s really truly gotta shake the dust off, and he’s trying to figure out what happened to him in the first place because he knows he shouldn’t be in the UG at all. he didn’t have a huge bump in intelligence since the first game, but it’s hard to dismiss him as a complete idiot. he has both large and small perceptive moments where another narrative might have chosen to keep him as the dumb muscle. in fact, his firm convictions serve an important role for the others - beat knows he didn’t die and can’t be convinced otherwise, and his confidence that he’s a living player is part of how rindo and gang realize they also aren’t dead. he’s clearly not simply a comic relief character. another story might have positioned him as more of a mentor figure, but he plays to his strengths and serves to ground the team instead. beat is honestly a highlight of this ensemble cast to me. i’m unsure as to how much of that is simply because he was one of my favorites from the first game, but i really truly love beat in this game.

shoka and neku’s late introductions to the team mean they have far less “we are now firmly allies and friends” interactions with the rest of the ensemble for unavoidable reasons. i will say that the excellent casting and localization for the english version, particularly shoka, has done a lot to mitigate that issue; yes, the plot doesn’t develop her relationships with the team as a whole as thoroughly as some of the others, but the combat interactions with her are so genuine that i found myself shocked when writing this because, well, those combat lines did so much legwork making her role in the party seem earned and cohesive. i had such a strong sense of her place in the team that just isn’t reflected in the cutscenes, and i find that very interesting but i’m unsure as to whether it’s good or bad; i think it’s incredible that the combat dialogue did such a good job fostering this air of “we are a unit” for these characters and it really is a testament to the skill of these actors, but i do wish it was more prevalent in the cutscenes itself. beat’s established relationship with neku and their relaxed nature with one another does a lot to ease neku’s entry into the group; he has an “in” with a firmly established member and a well-written dynamic with him that helps him out here.

as a nekubeat appreciator i feel very fed and i hope there’s an uptick in interest for the pairing following neo. i love how beat, who throughout the game is constantly forgetting who people from 3 years ago are (doesn’t recognize his former superior bc she’s wearing a suit now and can’t even remember her name), immediately recognizes coco despite her changing her entire aesthetic specifically because he’s so angry with her for killing neku. he’s ready to throw down the second he sees her, which gives this feeling of “he’s been waiting for this moment for 3 years”. because the narrative never addresses beat’s change in style, particularly that he wears his hair like neku now, i choose to believe it’s because the last time he saw neku was immediately after coco shot and killed him. it could be that this shit’s been haunting him ever since neku died. my city now, if you don’t talk about it in the game i make shit up. both their cutscene interactions and combat quotes do an excellent job of maintaining the sense that these two have been close friends for a long time and distance hasn’t changed that. they fall right back into old ways with one another immediately.

even outside of the context of me being a nekubeat shipper, their relationship and continued partnership (UG game context partnership) feels very genuine. neku and joshua call each other partner, but it rings hollow. i’m sure it’s partially the lack of screentime that makes it so they don’t feel like partners any more than neku and shiki do, but the game doesn’t even try to push closeness the way it does for shiki - more on that in a minute. beat is the only one of neku’s partners that seems to have retained the same strength in their bond with him despite the three years; shiki and joshua are super absent in the plot, which really undermines their relationships with neku. i’ve already talked about my problems with shiki’s lack of focus and how i feel it harms her relationship with neku, but as for neku’s relationship with joshua, i think neo has taken an interesting approach that i feel will have a mixed reception.

it actually feels like neku and joshua ended this game on worse terms than the first one even though joshua was a far more benevolent figure this time around. neku is very clear about wanting to return to the RG despite this meaning he will have no access to the UG (outside of potentially text-based communication since rhyme paved the way for RG residents to bust into the RNS and... however it was that shoka’s fanGO account worked, since she and rindo were fanGO friends long before his entry to the UG) and doesn’t show any hesitation or reluctance in stating this desire. he seems quite content with not having joshua be a part of his life, as opposed to the first game’s ending where he extends an open offer to joshua to join his friend group. i understand how this would (and will) let a lot of people down, but i actually think it’s for the best. i have no real opinion on neku’s capacity for forgiving joshua after the first game, good or bad, but i think putting distance between them in this game is the correct move.

i take this viewpoint especially given that after the first game, joshua did in fact choose this distance - neku invited him in, and he did not take the offer. it was his decision to not join neku’s group in the first game’s ending and he continued to remain separate from it in the three year gap; he may have masqueraded as a fellow player and peer in age, but joshua is not and has never been an actual peer to neku, shiki, and beat. his life experiences are so different from theirs that i would struggle to suspend disbelief that they have enough in common to maintain a close friendship. he intervened when neku was killed by coco and placed him in a safe area and gave moral support in the ending, and i think this is the most we should expect of a reforming (not reformed but in-progress) misanthrope like joshua. he’s an enigmatic figure sure and largely benevolent if inactive in this game, but he isn’t a good person and he clearly considers himself to be on a different level from neku and his peers. hanekoma notes that joshua’s somewhat reluctant to continue to remain separate from neku’s group, but i think the narrative places him both objectively and in his own mind as someone who is just... from a different world. joshua chose distance, he chose to cut contact, and this is the consequence of that decision. i think that’s a good lesson to teach; it may not be a given, but it’s natural that sometimes a friendship you ignore will fade. it doesn’t necessarily mean the time you spent didn’t matter, but you shouldn’t be shocked if a plant you don’t water wilts away.

i feel like that wasn’t the intended takeaway, that it was just questionable writing that i’m reading too deep into, but that’s how i feel about the situation.

i’m also incredibly grateful that hazuki was introduced as an age-appropriate option for joshua and i hope they’ll draw attention as a bastard boyfriends ship, both because i think it’s very funny and because i have opinions about shipping joshua with the teens. i know it’s contentious and i’m not going too deep into it, so what i’m going to say is this. the secret reports state in plain objective text that joshua downtuning his vibes aged him down and his true appearance is older. neither the narrative nor supplementary info state anything about how old josh was when he died or how long he’s been a reaper/the composer (reapers ageing is ??? as well, we don’t know if it’s not a thing or if it’s optional or what). however, it is firmly canon that he is older than 15. if that canon upsets you then that’s your problem to either work through or ignore indefinitely. suffice to say, joshua and hazuki do not have the schrodinger’s pedophile issue and i wholly support and strongly encourage that over the alternative for this reason and again because i find it funny and think they deserve each other. i hate to say hazuki is a healthy choice for joshua because i think both of them are just walking messes, but they are actual peers on the same tier of the higher plane pecking order and more importantly the disaster they could be as a couple has infinite potential.

on the girls side of things, i am still mad about eri’s absence not just because it’s a relationship shiki had that just got ignored. i know the story wants us to believe that neku and shiki have something but shiki and eri had more. i’m sorry writers you made a more compelling f/f ship by accident in the first game and i am not invested in the one you weakly suggested between neku and shiki here. if you made shiki have more of a role in neo maybe i’d feel differently, or maybe you would have screwed it up worse. we’ll never know. i think it’s a shame that they couldn’t make me care about neku and shiki as a pairing, but it is what it is.

i was briefly worried that the game would try to suggest something between kaie and rhyme because sometimes people lose their minds when a boy and girl stand next to each other, but i was quickly set at ease with that one. they felt like two people who are starting to straddle that line of acquaintance/friend in a believable way despite how little interaction between them we see, and i appreciate that. i was also briefly worried that fret would develop a crush on rhyme based on his initial reaction at being introduced to her, but again quickly dismissed. can you tell i’m a little gun shy about strangled “him boy her girl” romances in fiction these days? yeah. i’ve been let down too much recently by bad writing.

i think all of the party members could have benefited from more development with one another outside of combat lines - i would like to see more interaction between nagi and shoka, or neku and fret, etc - but that would come at the expense of the narrative’s pacing. i think it could have been done by tweaking certain details, but ultimately i can accept this as a sacrifice made in the interest of keeping the narrative from getting bloated.

i wanna talk briefly about the new main cast a little.

rindo’s ups and downs re: development are much more subtle than neku’s were, but with the secret reports in mind i feel his arc is actually pretty excellent. i think we could have done with a little less of fret pointing out rindo’s increased confidence and how he becomes more assertive, i think the audience is smart enough to notice that on their own. but i’m a huge fan of how the narrative quietly places rindo in this position of a leader who fears that responsibility, but nonetheless has to grow and accept it. hanekoma’s reports may spell it out in plain text postgame, but the narrative already told us in our own way that rindo’s development stalled when someone else entered the cast who could take over for him and this is demonstrative of a(n understandable) lack of maturity and failure to grow. neku’s fatal flaw was his rejection of others, and so he was forced by the narrative into a position where he had to learn to trust them; rindo’s is that he relies too much on them and the narrative forces him to stand on his own.

while i think this is a little muddled (he was right in some instances to not make hard solo decisions; thinking specifically of ayano, it was absolutely the right call to ease shoka into this inevitable loss rather than forcing her into the situation unilaterally) and i wish we saw more consequences of his initial waffling behavior, rindo’s indecisiveness is an actual flaw that i think a lot of people can relate to and i think it contrasts him wonderfully with neku without being heavy-handed. rindo working through it from “relying on others to make choices for him -> still valuing the input of others but not wholly dependent on them -> capable of making difficult calls without anyone else to support him” was subdued and while it had realistic hitches in the form of other characters who he could consider authority figures, it was steady and imo very good. he’s a teenager coming into his own, stepping out of this world where others in his life - motoi as an0ther, shoka as swallow, presumably his parents, teachers, etc - have made the big, scary decisions for him or guided him through them, and into a place where there aren’t these people to guide him. he’s surrounded by people who either don’t know anything more than he does, or don’t care about his best interests; he’s clashing and changing and it forces him to grasp and accept his own autonomy rather than falling back and relying on someone else to fix things when it’s too frightening or difficult.

we can talk cultural differences re: the level of autonomy and responsibility that’s right for teenagers but i’m not really interested in drawing hard lines there. this is a coming of age story; as he approaches maturity, rindo is learning how to be an adult. i think that’s a classic and important narrative concept and it’s done well here.

fret, interestingly, is imo a case where the subtlety didn’t work out. to me, there wasn’t a huge distinction between flippant “telling you what i think you want to hear” fret and “genuine” fret. his initial interactions with kanon don’t seem different from their last conversation; maybe he comes off as less initally honest in the jp version, or maybe this one was a writing fumble. maybe it’s just me, and other people don’t feel the same way! he seems to be a far more static character in a strange way; the narrative tells us that he’s developing via other characters’ dialogue, but it doesn’t seem to support that. to me it’s a failure of “show, don’t tell” - i don’t take a hard stance on “show, don’t tell” as some kind of holy rule of writing, there are plenty of situations in a narrative where telling is perfectly acceptable and i think rigid adherence to showing and not telling can result in a bloated narrative, but in this case i feel like that’s where the narrative failed. it failed to support fret’s development outside of other people telling him he’s changed. i like fret, but i feel like in this ensemble cast fret and nagi kinda serve more as nominal protagonists and are more strong supporting characters than true leads.

as for nagi, i love how, despite it being low-hanging fruit, not only are there no real digs at nagi for being a vocal fangirl of a visual novel dating sim, it actually ties perfectly into her character as someone who understands people. dating sims are about people and relationships. how people interact, the importance of conveying your feelings, the consequences of bad communication; that’s what nagi is obsessed with. and rather than this being a detriment and making her avoid others, it ends up priming her to have healthy friendships because her gaming taught her to value knowing other people. it takes her time to actually open up, but rather than the video games closing her off to others they actually set her up to be an excellent friend. elestra in general could have been a subject of enormous mockery, but instead it’s viewed in a very neutral way and is given the implication of universal appeal by fret picking it up in the epilogue. nagi’s not in the spotlight for most of the game, but the payoff of her monologue to fret about being human was immense and was one of the best bits of dialogue in the entire game to me. it’s not going to be as iconic as hanekoma’s “open up your world” and “enjoy the moment”, but i truly think it’s one of the only parts of neo’s dialogue that approaches its level.

shoka is a character that i think is better on the replay, and i say this as someone who was very fond of shoka the first time around. i thought she had a lot of personality in her mannerisms alone, and i firmly appreciate how she wasn’t a one-note tsundere character. she had some of those minor elements, but subdued and with a reasonable context - she’s hot and cold with rindo and his team because she’s supposed to be working this rigged game to erase them, but she’s already rindo’s friend in a different context and is struggling to reconcile these two parts of her life. knowing her motivation as swallow gives so much retroactive depth to her actions; she was circumventing the game itself not just because she was exhausted by it or unease with shiba like some of the other turncoat reapers, but because rindo was her friend from before the story even began.

i will say that i didn’t actually fully call swallow being shoka simply because at first i had the impression that it would be rhyme (before rhyme’s role in the story became clearer), and admittedly by the time the climax hit the mystery of who swallow was had kind of dropped out of my mind completely, but i think it does a lot to develop shoka. whether this development being retroactive is strictly good or bad as an issue is subjective; neo is a game that has a built-in chapter select, so replaying the game and rewatching the cutscenes with the full narrative context is incredibly easy. however, for a lot of players, if you’re replaying the game it’s with a specific goal of getting something you missed earlier in-game, so you’re rushing through those cutscenes trying to get to that completionist bit. i think a line could have been walked re: giving more of a hint that shoka was swallow before the very end without fully giving it away, but i definitely think the rewatch value is more subjective and based on how you specifically play the game. if you’re here looking to watch all the cutscenes again now that you know everything, shoka being swallow is a huge treat regarding changing the context of her behavior - if you’re fast-forwarding trying to find a pig, it’s totally wasted.

i would have liked to see more of shoka’s backstory and interaction with the other shinjuku reapers for sure, and i wonder if this is another thing along the lines of “we were supposed to see more of shinjuku’s final game than we did”; if we’d gotten more of shinjuku, we certainly would have seen more of its reapers. i talked briefly about how i feel like ayano’s death didn’t hit the way i think it was intended to, but if the game had let us see more of her as a shinjuku reaper i feel like the entire plot would have benefited. it would have benefited shiba as well honestly; they tried to have him as a repentant “now i shall fix what i destroyed” character at the very end, but i don’t feel like they did a good enough job portraying that he had changed and he was brainwashed so it fell flat. if we’d seen more of shiba as the compassionate leader who deserved the loyalty of his reapers that they say he was, the contrast would have done a lot to help define the tragedy of his backstory. overall i think this is another “we lost a chunk of the plot in rewrites or something” issue, which i admit is not based in anything like interviews. it’s just my speculation because it feels like something that was supposed to be here got left behind - i can’t say if i’m right, or why it happened if so. it just feels to me like the shinjuku reapers besides shoka went fairly undeveloped not because of writing/lack of screentime alone but because we lost big pieces of shinjuku content entirely. it’s insane that we only learn in the secret reports how tsugumi became trapped in the mr. mew plush to begin with; to me, this screams “we had to cut something”, and the more i think about it the more convinced i am that we were originally meant to see more of shinjuku’s inversion. hell, the secret reports just flippantly inform us that tsugumi’s brother was shinjuku’s conductor and he’s why she survived - but he goes unnamed and unseen, mentioned only in a piece of postgame content that many players may never unlock.

shinjuku’s final game is just left as this incredible story that was never told, with a cast who we barely see. again, it doesn’t bother me that they never explained to us why hazuki purified shinjuku. but i do wish we could have connected with its reapers to see how they reacted to its impending fate; who was on kubo’s side, who was trying to protect shinjuku? who knew what was happening, and who was just swept up in the chaos? how did the purification affect them emotionally after their escape to shibuya? just from the secret reports we see that tsugumi’s brother is this tragic hero of another story, the conductor opposing the executor and fighting to save his city before ultimately sacrificing himself to keep his sister alive. this is enough content that it could have easily been a standalone, but it wasn’t. i think that’s a damn shame. i’m sure there are people who are already chomping at the bit to write about shinjuku’s tragic final game and it’ll make a stunning fanfic in the right hands, but this is a big gap for fanfiction authors to be filling in.

this was mostly a narrative thoughts dump, but i wanna say just a couple of things about the combat: overall i liked it! i was significantly overleveled for the vast majority of the game partially because i was having fun with the combat, i feel gameplay was very intrinsically motivating. because of how the food system worked, being overleveled didn’t mean too much since it only affects HP, but i also was eating constantly so i was in fact just OP for much of the game. so i suppose, take my gameplay commentary with a grain of salt because i was busted quickly. if i hadn’t been such a powerhouse from early on, i expect my gameplay experience would have been much different.

my biggest complaint: there were some significant issues in enemy design related to battles being timed and the timer having consequences. some enemies were a reasonable/intuitive pain, say, elephants being bullet sponges and chameleons having an invisibility mechanic. these things made them challenging, but in a sensible way. like, of course a big honkin’ elephant has a ton of HP. i think that chameleons in particular could have been tweaked; you have to be very close to them when they’re invisible in order to lock on, and i think this could distance could have been extended a bit to minimize frustration. likewise, it felt like party members that get grabbed by a t.rex were trapped for ages; i feel this could have been tweaked as well. i know a lot of people had issues with wolves for this same reason, but their comparative frailty and my pin choices meant that i quickly overcame wolves and they became a minor nuisance at best until endgame introduced a beefier wolf. even then, i found t.rex noise to be much more of an issue because of their sturdier nature and higher damage output. these are minor gripes; i didn’t like seeing these enemies, but i didn’t hate seeing them. no, here’s what i hate: rhinos and pufferfish.

to me, these are the most annoying enemies in the entire game outside of maybe a handful of bosses. i feel they were poorly thought out in general. the tendency for rhinos to put themselves against the arena walls and the delay on pufferfish exploding after their HP hits zero do not mesh well with that battle timer. i find myself very frustrated by these enemies because it feels like i’m being punished not for a lack of skill or bad decisions choosing weak pins, but simply bad luck. very few pins can circumvent the rhino’s front guard and the hitbox for their guard feels enormous, so i can’t imagine i’m the only player having difficulty herding them out of corners to actually damage them or get beat drops. there’s a postgame dive with a big noise rhino, and it was my worst experience with the entire game because it just kept backing into a corner. i quit that dive multiple times because of how much time i wasted with the rhino; i changed my pins like crazy trying to take advantage of elemental weaknesses or use pins that could circumvent the guard. but it wasn’t about what pins i was using, it was just bad luck with hitboxes. when i finally got the gold rank on that dive it wasn’t that i did anything significantly different, the rhino just didn’t park its ass in the corner that time.

as far as i know, and i hope i’m missing something that someone can enlighten me on, there is no way to prevent pufferfish from inflating and exploding outside of a killer remix. i have not discovered any way to make them explode faster. the amount of time it takes for them to blow up seems to vary not by species but by individual, i’m not sure if it’s being triggered by proximity to a party member or what but i know sometimes one of those little shits will inflate and chase me across the entire arena before finally exploding. in a chain battle, that wasted time adds up. the pufferfish issue could have been severely mitigated, if not entirely fixed, if the gap between HP hitting zero and explosion was just the time it took for them to inflate. that would have basically eliminated my needless frustration with them. but instead i just... don’t know how to make them pop faster.

in normal combat, your post-battle score is primarily just bragging rights/making yourself feel good to have gotten a good grade. but when it comes to dives, where the timer directly decides how many of the finite friendship points you get, the appearance of a rhino or pufferfish specifically is something i approached with dread and disappointment. i already mentioned the postgame dive giant rhino specifically being a nightmare, but this was a reoccurring element for me through the entire game with just normal rhinos. i know rhinos are a returning enemy and kept their front-guard schtick, but the shift to a 3D environment has made them a much more (imo needlessly) difficult opponent.

regarding the pin system itself, i was enormously disappointed to learn how the multi-pin input worked. it turns out that you can only have multiple pins using a single input no matter how many multi-pin wields you unlock; gone were my dreams of having 2 Y-input pins and two ZL input pins (i played on switch). the inability to multi-pin wield uber pins regardless of how many uber slots you have filled is also a huge bummer. i feel like in the postgame i should be able to be an absolute god of destruction, but this didn’t pan out.

this seems to be a switch issue, but autosave was the MVP of the game because i had a few cutscenes crash or freeze (the one with kubo’s reveal seems to be a common source of a crash on the switch version as it fails to load the 3D cutscene); this was annoying and needs fixing, but it was slightly mitigated by autosave kicking in immediately after boss battles. i was crushed thinking i was gonna have to go through the shiba fight again after kubo crashed my game, so the relief i felt upon loading up again and going right into the cutscene was immense. don’t get me wrong: cutscene freezes and particularly crashes are a big problem that a game like this shouldn’t have launched with, but at the very least i didn’t lose my progress on that crash. related, i appreciate the ability to speed through cutscenes you’ve already seen, but i do wish we had the option to skip them entirely because that would have saved me from the freezes that i had to manually close the game and lose progress for.

a more minor complaint that i admittedly am unsure as to how to fix (maybe utilizing the d-pad instead of having it be camera/target select alongside the right stick?) is that i do not seem to have much control over which character my camera centers on in combat. typically selecting the pin that’s equipped to them will focus the camera to them, but every once in a while i’ll be locked to someone whose pin is rebooting while my other party members are actively attacking on the complete opposite end of the arena. i have no idea why this happens. if i’m missing something please let me know. the static nature of the overworld camera took some adjusting to, at first i was offput but i got used to it quickly. if camera was fixed position in combat it would have been a nightmare, but it being fixed in the overworld isn’t the same beast.

this has gotten obscenely long, so props and condolences to everyone who has made it this far. i wanna end on a high note because i want to reiterate something: i have so many criticisms here and that’s actually praise. i enjoyed so much of this game that i’m critical of where it fell short specifically because it’s such a strong contrast to how much i felt it did right. the main story was pretty strong in general, though some character interactions were lacking. the plot itself i didn’t talk a lot about because i thought it was good. there wasn’t much to say, they did a good job! the dissonance noise being created from deleted timelines was great, i loved that. i don’t feel like predictability makes a narrative bad, so it’s not like i was upset when it turned out replay was (gasp) part of a dastardly scheme. for me, foreshadowing is an excellent thing even if sometimes i wish it was handled a little differently.

i vastly prefer this game’s vague sequel hook with minamimoto over how final remix ended a new day; that sequel hook i hated and it had me so worried about neo. thankfully a lot of my fears didn’t come true, and i am very happy overall with the game we got. if another game is greenlit, i would hope it progresses with a mostly new cast; as long as we stay in shibuya some supporting characters can and should be staples imo, like kariya and uzuki, and i hope to see more of what’s being set up with minamimoto even if not necessarily with him as a protagonist. but overall i think twewy’s worldbuilding lends itself much more to a rotating cast if it develops into a full franchise; that’s just the nature of the UG, and i would like to see further installments taking advantage of that and allowing characters to have a complete arc and then retire from the narrative naturally.

i’ve got some pigs to erase and some bosses to slap the pins out of, which i’m sure will take me some time. another day certainly has a secret boss and/or time trial boss rush, so i’ll take a look at that sucker soon as well. i’m looking forward to continuing my playthrough, and i expect to sink quite a few more hours into this game. i really truly enjoyed neo despite my qualms, and i’m leaving the main storyline behind for postgame stuff with almost entirely positive feelings and a hopeful stance on the potential future of the series. i know this was a long-ass post, which is why it’s beneath a readmore, but to anyone who cared enough about my thoughts to keep reading the whole thing... thanks for the time you spent, hope you got something positive out of it!

#neo twewy #neo twewy spoilers #this turned into a behemoth. im so sorry #I CHECKED AND IT'S OVER 11K WORDS #I'M SO FUCKING SORRY

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neverdoingmuch · 4 years

Text

a superhero au from this ask.

okay so in this au superheroes join different sects as disciples and go through a superhero training program and then if they pass they become official superheroes for the sect

for the most part things stay the same, your good guys go out and defeat evil and save the day but there’s also a bunch of extra stuff bc they’re in a sect

the extra stuff is mostly legal stuff like if you destroy a building in a fight, who pays for it and what happens if a superhero goes rogue, who stops them?

so the sects are good bc they give that security and also make sure things run smoothly, so you don’t end up with three superheroes in the one area

obviously you still have independent superheroes but they usually get picked up by a sect pretty quickly (or join the wens who are just the bad guys i guess but shh they’re hiding it,, badly)

for the most part though, new heroes realise they can’t cut it and quit

notice the most, because there are a few people who don’t, including people like the yiling patriarch

so, worldbuilding aside, let’s start with lwj

bc we still have sects, lwj and lxc both went through the training program together and even graduated a few years early, meaning they debuted pretty young

they were both way too powerful to actually be needed in the field most of the time so lxc ended up helping his uncle and lwj started teaching at the training program (and even when he is needed, it’s usually enough just to send lxc, so he hasn’t been active in like five years)

life is going pretty okay for lwj but then there’s a fight between some wens and yllz and a building ends up being destroyed - lwj’s apartment building

at first he’s like whatever i’ll just stay at a hotel till it gets fixed but then he gets told that there’s some issue with the building regulations so it’ll be more than a year

lwj goes apartment hunting and ends up finding the perfect apartment. it’s spacious and convenient and looks really nice and the only drawback is his neighbour (spoiler: it’s wwx)

now we have wwx

he used to be a disciple with the jiang sect and was on track to graduate their training program probably even younger than the twin jades but then he dropped out suddenly. no one knows why

what happened was that wwx had befriended wen ning at an intersect meeting thing where the training heroes could compete against each other

when wen ning found out the truth about the wens being evil, he begged wen qing to take their family and leave the wens to get to safety. wen qing refused bc who would they go to? who would risk everything they had to keep them safe?

wei wuxian would.

and he did!! when he found out what the wens had gone through, he immediately quit the jiang sect and spent the next four years helping them go in hiding, making fake identities etc.

the only people who refused to leave were wen qing and wen ning and a-yuan so wwx was like i’ve done my best now we gotta live and ends up buying an apartment for the four of them and gets a job

at night he goes out as yllz and tries to bring the wens down. it’s slow-going at first and he’s just busting minor crimes and not really gathering any useful information but he keeps going bc a-yuan and the others will never be safe for as long as the wens are able to keep hurting people

he works a full-time job during the day and spends his nights fighting crime and he’s always tired and sore but it’s fine because he needs to do this but then one day his new neighbour moves in next door

the first time he meets him, he’s come back from work and by the time he bakes a welcome cake it’s like 10:40 and he goes over and knocks on his neighbour’s door and the guy eventually answers and holy fuck he’s hot (also grumpy bc lwj does not appreciate being woken up)

lwj slams the door in his face without even taking it from him, so wwx just leaves it on his doorstep and goes back home to nap for a few hours before going on patrol

the next day when he gets home from work there’s a letter in front of his door and when he opens it it just says thanks for the cake it was very delicious if unnecessary

wwx writes on the back: it’s all fine! i’m glad you liked it. if you need any help settling in, i’d be more than happy to help. he adds his phone number and then he leaves the note on lwj’s door and that’s where it all starts

the next morning he wakes up to a text from lwj saying that he appreciates the offer & his name. it’s short and kind of rude but wwx is lying there going lan zhan, lan zhaaaan, his name is lan zhan

they run into each other in the morning a few times and take the elevator down together and wwx always chatters at him. lwj doesnt really respond but he doesn’t tell him to shut up either so that’s practically permission

and wwx is no idiot. he knows that hot neighbour + texting ability = potential romance so he makes sure to text lwj a lot

and by a lot, i mean a lot. lwj is sitting in a meeting with his brother and by the time he finishes he has fifty new messages

but that’s okay bc lwj kinda likes the attention he thinks? lwj’s neighbour is funny and cute

and after a while, lwj starts responding properly. it’s not like he’s sending 50 messages back but he’s engaging wwx in conversation and sometimes they call and once, when wwx was coming back from work, lwj had invited him in for tea

when lwj realises that wwx goes to work early and gets home late he starts inviting wwx over for dinner. wwx doesn’t mention that wen ning is more than able to cook dinner (if he ever mentioned that he was living with him at all) and they start having dinner not-dates and sometimes wwx falls asleep on lwj’s couch

the first few times wwx always felt really guilty bc lwj doesn’t want to put up with that and he’s letting down the wens but wen qing is like no, it’s good, you need to take some time for yourself and lwj is like it’s fine so whatever, wwx can sleep on lwj’s couch now

except it’s not just lwj’s couch bc wwx keeps waking up leaning on lwj and it’s very embarrassing bc he’s starting to find that he has difficulties sleeping without being able to hear lwj’s heartbeat

so wwx is falling in love. wen ning is supportive and wen qing is probably laughing at him but wwx is so conflicted

on one hand, wwx’s entire life revolves around the wens and trying to stop them or protect them, and here lwj is, a completely normal man, who has no expectations about wwx. he doesn’t need to be a guardian for lwj, he doesn’t need to be the terrifying yiling patriarch, he can just be wwx

on the other hand, lwj is a civilian and wwx doesn’t want to drag lwj down with him and risk him getting hurt or killed

so he decides to stay as friends. he won’t give lwj up but he won’t tell him he loves him (unless something happens to make wwx need to give lwj up, in which case he will)

around this time lwj gets a call from his uncle asking for help with the yllz

he’s never met him before but lwj does not like the yllz

like yes he’s taking down the wens which probably makes him good but he’s also taking what the wens had stolen for himself

so no one knows whether he’s a villain stealing from the wens or a hero who doesn’t trust the official means

Either way it’s a bad look for lwj & co bc they either look incompetent for not knowing about this guy & not being able to stop him or untrustworthy and maybe even corrupt

but lqr wants lwj to either bring him in as a disciple or as a criminal. whichever is easier

the first time hanguang-jun shows up to a fight wwx is completely shocked bc he vaguely remembers seeing hanguang-jun fight at the practise matches and he was good, definitely on par with wwx so if hanguang-jun were to fight him he isn’t sure that he’d win.

wwx quickly finishes off the wens and then turns to lwj, refusing to let his guard down but hanguang-jun just asks what he’s doing

wwx is cagey at first but eventually reveals the truth (or as much as he can tell) and hanguang-jun is like i don’t like your methods but what you’re doing is just, so i’ll help you and so commences the most awkward team up ever

wwx had expected to have to carry most of the weight but hanguang-jun is there defending him and helping him fight the wens and he can’t help but start to trust hanguang-jun.

hanguang-jun blocks a hit meant for wwx and wwx spends like half an hour carefully cleaning the wound on his arm and bandaging it up and at the end he presses a kiss to it and he immediately goes bright red but it’s okay bc hgj’s ear are red too

wwx slips on a roof and hgj ends up catching him and damn he’s strong and the look of concern on his face is almost making wwx think hgj doesn’t hate him

hgj brings in some intel once and wwx automatically goes damn i could kiss you right now and then decides to just become one with the floor

not only that but wwx talks a lot. when he’s patrolling, when he’s fighting, when he’s waiting,, he never shuts up and hanguang-jun listens to him every time and, just as wwx fell for lwj, he starts falling for hanguang-jun

it’s even worse in this case bc hanguang-jun is all righteous and good and here wwx is using the superhero equivalent of demonic cultivation (has he perverted his own powers or did he always have necromancy powers? up to you)

so here wwx is falling in love with hanguang-jun and lwj and he feels terrible about it

there is definitely a case going on in the background but it’s basically just the sunshot campaign if only lwj and wwx were fighting it for the most part

eventually he complains to wq about his feelings and she’s like just try confessing! so the next time he and hanguang-jun team up he tells him that he loves him

lwj is 100% in love wwx and semi in love with yllz. for the most part, the things he loves about yllz all remind him of wwx so he doesn’t really see it as a crush as much as more yearning for wwx

but lwj is very awkward so he gives this kinda terrible rejection? he’s like im sorry, i don’t return your feelings maybe we should work apart for a while?

from his pov he’s giving yllz room to deal w/ his emotions alone and they’ll team up later but from wwx’s pov hanguang-jun is so disgusted he never wants to work with him again

so they go their separate ways and when wwx gets a tip-off about some weird shit about to go down at nightless city so he sneaks in by himself bc hanguang-jun definitely wouldn’t want to help him and ends up getting captured by wen ruohan

lwj, for his part, is freaking out bc wwx hasn’t responded to his texts in over a week and maybe he’s come on too strong and wwx has figured out his feelings and is letting him down gently? (by disappearing??)

but then wq comes banging on his door and asks to come in. he lets her in and she immediately tells him i know you’re hanguang-jun

lwj is defensive and ready to be blackmailed or something but she just explains that wwx has gone missing and he’d received a tip the day before he disappeared and when lwj sees the message wwx had got he’s just like why is wwx involved with the wens?

because he’s yllz, wen qing tells him and lwj is Buffering

reason 1: yllz wasn’t meant to be someone he liked and lwj had definitely been feeling guilty about the fact that he would need to be brought in bc he is morally dubious on main & he can’t reconcile that with the sweet and kind wwx

reason 2: holy shit does wwx like me?

bc lwj is a disaster he only ends up asking about the latter and wq stares at him, dead-eyed and exhausted, and tells him wwx is in love with lwj and hanguang-jun

commence lwj’s plan to get wwx back and confess to him and hopefully get married but he’ll be happy if they just kiss and/or hold hands

he starts off by explaining most of the stuff to his brother who ends up calling jyl (bc they have to be friends, i’ll cry if they’re not) who is like my brother?!! and decides to help. also probably nhs bc friends who share porn definitely save each other from wen ruohan

so they attack the wens. for most of the heroes it’s bc they finally have proof of wen ruohan being evil (helpfully collated in a colour-coordinated binder by wwx) but lwj is just there for wwx

he finds him in the dungeons or something and wwx is hurt kind of badly and lwj collapses beside him and presses down on the main wound, trying to stop the bleeding

and wwx goes hanguang-jun? what are you doing here? and lwj says nothing just pushing down harder bc he’s losing too much blood and wwx is like oh, do you hate me that much that you won’t even speak to me anymore?

lwj can’t bear it for another second and rips his mask off and wwx just gawks at him. lan zhan? you’re hanguang-jun? wwx stammers and lwj just nods and rips some fabric from his cape (would he have a cape?) and tries to bandage the wound

wwx asks him why he’s here, why he bothered to come for wwx when he doesn’t care for him but he passes out before lwj can actually say anything

he wakes up in hospital and lwj is sleeping in the chair beside him and the second wwx twitches he jolts up and stares at wwx with such relief that wwx wants to blush

i love you, lwj says, not waiting for another second. the reason i didnt accept your confession was because i loved you. i didnt know you were yllz

and wwx is like and i didnt know you were hanguang-jun!! and lwj is like yeah but wen qing did /:

and wwx is like yeah but she’s smart & they kinda fall quiet for a few moments before wwx is like did you know i think hanguang-jun is very handsome and lwj is like yes? and wwx is like good! lwj is also handsome!

and lwj is like yllz and wwx are attractive to me and they finally kiss and it’s not a complete disaster thankfully

after that lwj goes back to his semi-retirement bc he doesn’t need to catch yllz anymore and sometimes wwx comes in to help teach a class with him and they’ll go home to lwj’s apartment after and watch movies together and not once do they comment on the miscommunication between love interests

#i forgot to find a place to include this in the au but lwj's mum was definitely an unaffiliated superhero #and part of the reason lwj is suspicious of wwx #this ended up being very long sorry!#mdzs #modao zushi #mo dao zu shi #wei wuxian #lan wangji #wangxian #cql #the untamed

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thejakeformerlyknownasprince · 5 years

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Hi! As someone who’s literary opinion I really trust, I was surprised that you’re a twilight fan? I know almost nothing except commen knowledge things about that series, and I always assumed it was actually bad/un-feminist. What is it that you like so much that others seem to miss? I’m just genuinely curious about your take on the hate it always seems to get vs. it’s actual quality. I’m not gonna judge bc animorphs is also one of those books where you see it and assume it’s bad.

In over 14 years of loving this series, I’m not sure anyone has ever asked me why I enjoy it instead of simply trying to convince me that I’m wrong to do so. So thank you for that.

First and foremost, I love the Twilight saga because of the vivid detail in Stephenie Meyer’s writing style. The descriptions are so lush and dense with sensory information that you can practically bite down on them as you read. Bella and Jacob aren’t just sitting on the beach; they’re sitting on a gnarled log of driftwood, worn smooth at the top from where so many Quileute teens have sat upon it during bonfires but still uneven enough to rock on its branches when Bella suddenly stands to rage at her own mortality. Meyer describes that log in Twilight, so tangibly and with such economy of detail, that we recognize it immediately when Bella and Jacob return to that spot in Eclipse. I’ve always disliked the movies, because I’ve always felt that the best part of Meyer’s writing simply did not translate well to the screen.

Secondly, I love the feminism.

Okay, let’s take a quick pause to let everyone gasp and clutch their pearls over me calling Twilight a feminist work. I will address the criticisms later. For now, please just hear me out.

Twilight strikes me as a premier example of what Hélène Cixous means when she calls for “women’s writing,” or writing for women, about women, by women, with a strong focus on the concerns and strengths and desires of womanhood. This is a series about building and maintaining close relationships, both romantic and platonic. It celebrates beauty, and love, and care. Bella moves to Forks because she recognizes that her dad is lonely while her mom is quite the opposite, torn between family priorities. She doesn’t simply subsume her interests to those of other people, but instead actively chooses how and when and where to express her love for her birth family and her found families. Most of the other major decisions throughout the story — Alice “adopting” Bella, Carlisle moving the family to Alaska, Jacob becoming werewolf beta, the Cullens going up against the Volturi, etc. — are motivated by care and devotion for one’s family and friends. Even the selfish or morally ambiguous character choices are shown to be motivated by love. Rosalie tells Edward that Bella died because she genuinely thinks it’ll help him move on. Victoria creates an army that nearly destroys Forks because she’s avenging James. Alice abandons Bella and the others before the final battle because if she can’t save her entire family, then she’ll settle for saving her lover before letting him die in vain.

Not only is there a striking concern with love and care, but there’s also a strong commitment to avoiding violence. Bella’s eventual vamp-superpower proves to be preventing violence and protecting others, an awesome character decision that I’d argue gets set up as early as the first book. She lives in a violent world — this is a YA SF story, after all — but she has the power to suppress violence and create peace, both in herself and others. I was already sick of “power = ability to inflict damage” in YA stories well before I knew the word “patriarchy.” Twilight was one of the first books to convey to me that power could be refusing to do harm in spite of hunger or anger, that power could be shielding ones’ family, that power could be about building enough friendships and alliances to have an army at one’s back when facing an enemy too strong to take on alone.

Closely connected to all of that love and care, I love how much Twilight is about navigating teenage girlhood. Is it empowering, intersectional, or all-inclusive? Hell no. Does it still dare to suggest that a completely ordinary teenage girl could have valid concerns about the world? Yep. The main conflict of the story, as Stephen King so derisively explained, is about the romantic entanglements of a teenage girl, and the book therefore has no literary merit. (To quote my dad’s response: “Bold words from the guy who inflicted Firestarter on the world.”)

There is, indeed, a lot of romance in Twilight. There are a lot of clothes. Alice and Rosalie especially spend a lot of time on makeup, and hair, and choosing the prettiest cars and houses. Twilight embraces all the stereotypically “girly” concerns of adolescence, and makes no effort to apologize for or condemn them. Bella isn’t particularly good at performing them — she likes but doesn’t excel at shopping, fiercely defends her ugly car as ugly, hobbles through prom on crutches — but she can still enjoy the feeling of being pretty in a sparkly dress while dancing with her sparkly boyfriend. And Twilight, like Animorphs with Cassie, takes the daring step of treating that feeling as valid.

Speaking of sparkles, I love the commitment to the fantasy concept in Twilight, including the myriad mundanities that Meyer brings with that commitment. If you have super-speed, why not use it to play extreme baseball? If you’re a mindreader with a clairvoyant sister, why wouldn’t you two play mental chess games? I couldn’t tell you, after seven seasons of Buffy or eight of Vampire Diaries, what Spike or Damien or Angel or Stefan does all day when not brooding or lurking in the bushes to creep on human women. I can tell you what the Cullens get up to. Emmett and Rosalie work on their cars, usually by holding them overhead one-handed. Carlisle and Alice read plays, and sometimes talk the whole family into home Shakespeare productions. Edward and Carlisle debate theology, Emmett and Jasper have dumb athletic competitions, Edward and Esme play music, Alice manipulates stock markets, the twins go shopping online, etcetera. The Cullens feel real, feel like the vampires next door, in a way that Louis and Lestat simply do not.

To get to the elephant in the room — I just described Twilight as a feminist text! — let’s talk about the other thing the Cullens do for fun: they have sex. Weird sex. Kinky furniture-breaking sex. Sex that Emmett (who would know) compares to bear-wrestling. These books suck with regards to queer representation, but they are sex-positive. They feature an old-school Anglican protagonist offering his daughter-in-law a medical abortion. They treat Edward’s desire for sex only within marriage and Alice’s desire for sex outside of marriage as both being valid. Like I said, not groundbreaking, even by the standards of 2005, but still more than most teen novels do even today.

There’s a passage from Breaking Dawn that people love to pull out of context as “everything wrong with Twilight in two paragraphs” because it describes Bella waking up the morning after sex with bruises on her arms. That moment is shocking out of context, to be sure — but in context, it’s the end result of an in-depth consent negotiation that lasts four books. Bella says that she’d like to become a vampire. Edward says okay, but only if she spends a few more years living as a human and considering that choice. Bella says okay, but only if Edward, not Carlisle, becomes the one to turn her. Edward says they can use his venom, but that Carlisle, who’s an MD, really needs to supervise the process. Bella doesn’t love the idea of Edward’s stepdad cockblocking what’s supposed to be an intimate moment, and so agrees only on the grounds that she gets to have sex with Edward as a human first. Edward’s hella Catholic, so he requests that they get married first. Bella’s super horny, so she demands that the wedding happen within six months. Edward says that he might hurt her during sex, and Bella says that she wants a little hurt during sex. They marry. They bang. During the banging, Edward makes every effort to be controlled and courteous and gentile, while Bella goes wild and crazy. The next morning, she has bruises and he does not. Edward apologizes, but Bella’s actually really into it. She spends a while admiring her sexy vamp-marked self in the mirror, touches the bruises many times, and reminds us yet again that Bella Swan’s whole M.O. is being a monsterfucker. Her kink is not my kink, and that’s okay.

To be clear, I think there are other aspects of the romance that get criticized for good reason. Edward does not negotiate with Bella before sneaking into her room to watch her sleep, and he does make unacceptable use of their power differences when he thinks she’s in danger of being mauled by werewolves. The text condemns Jacob’s “don’t wanna die a virgin” ploy to manipulate a kiss out of Bella, but not the wider conceit of all the male characters as possessing uncontrollable urges. Bella’s struggles to adjust to a new town feel very feminine and realistic; her amused tolerance of Jacob’s and Mike’s sexual harassment as the price for their friendship does not. Werewolf imprinting might be mostly platonic, but that doesn’t make it okay for Meyer to depict it as a form of soulmate bonding that happens with child characters. Those are good points, all around. I just wish that most of them didn’t come up in the context of post-hoc rationalizations for loathing the femininity of a feminine text.

I’m not calling Twilight an unproblematic series. I’m saying that it gets (rightly!) criticized for appropriating Quileute culture, while Buffy’s total absence of main characters of color and blatant anti-Romani racism are (wrongly!) not remarked upon. I'm saying that I’ve been told I’m a misogynist for liking Twilight but not for liking James Bond. I’m saying that there’s a reason people tend to go “oh, that makes so much sense!” when I let them in on the fact that reactive hatred for “Twitards” started and spread on 4Chan, later home of Gamergate and incel culture. I’m saying that Twilight depicts problematic relationship dynamics as sexy — but then so do Vampire Academy, Blue Bloods, Supernatural, Vladimir Tod, and Vampire Diaries. All of which take the time to stop and thumb their noses at Twilight, smug in the superiority of having vampires that fly rather than vampires that sparkle, and for thoroughly condemning teenage girls for being girly while continuing to show men inflicting violence on them.

After all, as Erin May Kelly puts it: “we live in a world taught to hate everything to do with little girls. We hate the books they read and the bands they like. Is there anything the world makes fun of more than One Direction and Twilight?” No one has ever called me a misogynist for liking the MCU, in spite of less than a third of its movies even managing to clear the low-low bar of the Bechdel test. Because people are still allowed to like Harry Potter in spite of its racism, or Lord of the Rings despite its imperialism. Because hatred for Twilight was never about its very real sexism, or the genuinely silly sparkle-vampires, until it had to justify itself as something other than hate for everything that teenage girls have ever dared openly love.

I enjoy the novels, and I enjoy the fan fiction that tries to fix some of the problems with the novels. I appreciate the extent to which Meyer has elevated fan culture, and made an effort to acknowledge her own past mistakes. I would love to be able to talk about my love for the series as a flawed but beautiful work of literature, but for now I’ll settle for asking that the world just let me enjoy it in peace.

#twilight #the twilight saga #breaking dawn #eclipse #new moon #stephenie meyer #fandom #nothing to do with animorphs #misogyny #ableist language #sexist language #long post #sexism #romance #anonymous #asks

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mistresseast · 4 years

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can you explain in more detail why you think the PT weren't good friends for akiren? i'm not asking out of hate or to start drama, i just never interpreted things that way and i'm genuinely curious. i don't think them being brainwashed by maruki makes them "bad friends", but i don't know if that's what you meant either. i'd love to read a proper explanation on this that isn't just people arguing in the notes of that post.

Hi! Yeah, I know the ~discourse~ climate is pretty touchy and not a good place to exchange ideas, so I’ll do my best to put my thoughts on this matter into words.

Settle in, bc this one is long.

I’ll start off by saying I don’t dislike the PT, nor do I think they’re bad people, and honestly I think they love Joker a lot! Ryuji calling Akira after his fake death and talking about how his ideas on what makes a hero have changed because of Akira genuinely makes me emotional, along with dozens of other scenes with the thieves! They’re good kids who could be really good friends to Akira but that’s not what’s shown in the game. I don’t think it’s controversial to say Akira’s relationships with all of his friends are transactional. That’s kind of the point, all of his confidants arise out of deals, give and take, and in the metanarrative of the game, that’s how it works. You as the player help these characters solve their problems, and through ranking their confidants up, you get access to more gameplay perks. So it’s pretty even!! But like,,Akira, the character, isn’t the player. There’s no in-story mechanic by which he can cash in friendship points for being-good-at-killing-things prizes. Yes, he uses those abilities to not die in the metaverse, but there is no literal, in-universe way to explain how hanging out with someone translates to [insert gameplay perk here]. So you have to look at what is physically happening in the story. Akira hangs out with the PT, stands there while they have drama with another irrelevant character, and then one way or another their problems get solved and they swear to be Akira’s blood brother or whatever. Akira is a crutch for these characters, and they say multiple times that they wouldn’t have been able to do what they did without him. So all of their shit gets handled and Akira gets?? Like actually gets?? What? Inquiries about his well-being? Offers to help him? Questions about his life, his interests? No,,,not really,, But he gets access to a super powerful persona!! Yay!!! Bc everyone knows he’s just a little shadow-killing machine, right? And even the relationships he does get something tangible (as in separate from the mechanics of the game) out of, like Kawakami’s, are built on the notion that if Akira stops providing for whatever reason, the relationship will end. So essentially, Akira is under the pressure of filling whatever role his friends need him in for however long at any time, and he’s been led to believe that if he stops or fails, he will stop receiving any reciprocal care and acceptance.

(And I know this is all gameplay stuff, I know it has to be like this to codify the complicated process of human relationships, I know all of that, I’m just trying to find a deeper layer bc that’s what I do.)

This whole thing comes into pretty clear focus for me during the third semester when you visit everyone in the false reality. Everyone is happy to see him, of course, but they’re clearly wrapped up in their own happiness. Which is understandable, again, I’m not saying the PT need to be attached to Akira to be good friends, but it all still feels off to me.

If they know Joker, then they’d know it’s weird that he just shows up and starts asking these pointed questions while they’re in the middle of something. All of their other interactions with him have been led by them. Yeah, Joker approaches them bc the player has decided to hang out with them, but the other character always chooses the activity and leads the discussion. Akira showing up out of nowhere and asking them to “remember” and “move on” and whatnot should be raising some major red flags. And it clearly does, since their memories do start to return, but they’re all too scared of losing their happiness that they nope out of the conversation as soon as possible, without stopping to consider why Joker might be trying to reach out to them like that. They’re his friends; they should know he wouldn’t just be trying to hurt them or make them unhappy. After all, their entire relationship with him up til that point has been exclusively about Joker trying to help them. This doesn’t make the PT bad people, running away is a totally natural reaction in that situation. They’re just kids, and their minds have been manipulated to a point, but it’s not like they don’t remember Joker or the way they’ve grown since meeting him. In fact many of them mention how much they’ve matured recently, but they never actually relate that back to Akira, despite him being the primary driving force behind most of their personal arcs, even though they definitely remember him. Translation vagueness or deliberate nod to the idea that the PT don’t actually credit Akira with all the hard work he did after their initial lip service? Hmmm. Anyway, their failure to recognize that Joker is struggling just demonstrates to me what was set up all throughout their confidant links, that their relationships are transactional and that they don’t necessarily consider Joker and his individual needs outside of what he provides for them. And when they no longer need him bc that hole has been filled, he simply doesn’t occupy the same place of importance in their lives.

Makoto’s flashback in particular stood out to me, bc it was from a moment where she was specifically talking about feeling like she finally found a place to belong with the Phantom Thieves (and by extension, with Joker), but then she desperately tries to brush it off. Obviously that sense of belonging wasn’t meaningful enough to her for her to want it back. And I’m not blaming her, of course, any teenager would choose to have their father back over being in a vigilante group lmao, I just thought it was telling that the devs decided to show us a scene that was originally meant to be heartwarming as an example of the harsh reality Makoto wants to forget. All of the flashbacks are from defining moments for the thieves, but that one specifically got me like *thinking emoji*

So his friends are hesitant, despite the fact that they must know something is wrong. It’s understandable, they all stand to lose a lot if someone messes with the status quo. I genuinely don’t think I would react any differently. But there is someone who reacts differently and against his own self-interest. It’s Goro, the one who has arguably the most to lose, who doesn’t turn away from Akira. He seeks Akira out and teams up with him to uncover what’s really going on, even though he has every reason to believe that prodding too deep will literally mean the end of his life. He forces Akira and himself to face the truth because he knows anything else would just be an insult to what they’ve suffered so far. He’s the only one who never flinches, and that, more than any of his friends’ come-to-jesusing (which Akira still has to initiate) is what Akira needs in that situation. For the first time (outside of the brief instances in the tutorial levels), we see a situation where Akira is actually the dependent one, the one who needs help, who needs support. And the only one who has ever provided that, unconditionally, without demanding anything in return, is Goro. I could go into how Goro’s confidant blows all of the others out of the water in terms of building both himself AND Akira as characters, but it’s been said already and by smarter people than me. But basically, despite competition being a core theme of their relationship, Goro is the only character who is portrayed as Akira’s equal. Their contests are all in the name of improving not just Goro, but Akira too. Goro is the only character who expresses an interest in Akira’s inner life and development, and as such he knows Akira better than anyone else. So when Maruki tries to trap them all in a gilded birdcage, Goro won’t stand for it and he knows Akira won’t stand for it either. That’s why he’s so betrayed if you choose to accept the dreamworld. You’re negating the basis of your entire relationship with him and going against your own principles. Out of every character in the game, the one who knows Akira best and refuses to abandon him even when that could mean his own death is Goro Akechi.

I want to reiterate: I do not hate or even dislike the PT!! And tbh I don’t really think they “abandoned” Akira. That post, imo, is supposed to be kind of hyperbolic. Unless it’s referring to how many of them literally sprint away when he comes to talk to them lol. I look at it more like a commentary on how thoughtlessly the PT act as soon as their wishes are granted. I know it’s set up linearly for story purposes, but isn’t it kind of sad how no one checks up on Akira in the week he’s going around talking to people? Especially after he’s been acting so comparatively weird? It’s not unusual that they might be caught up in other stuff, but while you’re going around and visiting everyone, you don’t get a single text or call from ANY of the thieves, for a whole week!! Goro even comments on it directly with his pointed little “I’m sure you’re just as close as you were before” comment. God, he’s such a bitch. Ultimately, the PT do get their acts together, and it’s partially out of the realization that Akira is struggling alone against something and needs their help, which I love and appreciate. I think they are good friends who want to support Akira, but they can’t understand him past the role they’ve placed him in, and until they do, they’ll never be able to be what he needs. Akira loves his friends and knows he can rely on them in most ways, but those relationships will always be dogged by the pervasive fear that he must constantly earn the right to have the relationship at all. What he needs MOST is someone he doesn’t have to perform for, and from what we see in the game, none of the thieves fit that bill. Except Goro.

I know this was long and rambly and probably pretty disjointed but I wanted to be as thorough as possible and all of my thoughts just sort of gushed out. Obviously ymmv about all of this depending on how you interpret the game, but this is what I arrived at thanks to my analysis so this is what I have for you! Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk

#ask tag #anon #this is not an invitation for argument or discourse #i simply wanted to provide my interpretation of things #rude and probing questions will be deleted :)

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acdeaky · 4 years

Text

lovin’ you, hatin’ you, wantin’ you

warning: fluff, angst

note: happy 800 @versdan ! not me (creating two storylines for one idea and only writing the one with the happy ending bc i’m a sucker for love), wrong bitch. i’m so so incredibly sorry for not posting for like a month! i've been busy with work and i’ve really missed writing, so i’m hoping i can do a bit more (at some point) and get more work out for you guys to read :))

word count: 1.9k

THEN

the field was soft and light that morning. the wheat had barely begun to grow and only touched your mid-calf, but it still itches whenever you passed it. the oranges and yellows in the sky made the mornings better. the fresh, crisp air of the open space made the mornings better. gwilym made the mornings better.

and he was there, just a few feet in front of you, guiding you through the wheat field, making a path for you. often, he glanced back, watching as you trudged and trekked over the terrain.

this morning, specifically, it was tough. the lack of a downpour in the late spring weather had caused warm nights and dry days, even drier mud which you almost tripped over everyday. the passage through the field was just a small consequence of having the best view of the mornings, and gwil; you’d keep him with you wherever you went.

the lake was already glistening when you made it to the opening. like always, gwil waited for you before stepping over the hill, offering you his hand - which you gladly accepted - for support. your other hand wrapped around his bicep as you made your way up and over the hill, finding your nestling spot easily enough after so many times.

and the sky was orange, and yellow, and all shades of happiness that you could think of. it reflected off of the lake and across the scenery, covering the trees and grass with colour.

without his knowledge, you always snuck a glance at gwilym. his light brown hair always fluttered in the wind, making what was usually a neat look, a disheveled one.

the sun looked good on him in the morning.

after years of seeing him like this, after coming to this spot almost every weekend of every year for ten years, it never got old; he only seemed to get better every year.

NOW

it was raining. a typical instance for london in the autumn. your usual outing on a friday night was hastly changed to a night in at yours. as always, gwilym brought the food and you the drinks. after he arrived, drenched down to the bone in water, his coat was hung up to dry, his sweater was changed into one that was permenantly at yours and both of you were settled on the sofa.

an age old film was playing in the background as you ate and later cleared away from dinner. it wasn’t long before boxes were thrown away and your places were taken on the sofa. gwil’s back was pressed against the back of the sofa, with your body tucked into his side as one of his hands idly drew patterns on your skin.

as the night grew older, you changed and went through a few episodes of a joint-favourite tv show and your eyes slowly began to close, leaving you asleep on gwil’s shoulder. almost your entire body was cradled into his side, your body turning subconsciously in your sleep to the welcoming warmth of him.

the next morning, you found yourself in your bed sheets, tucked up and away from the patter of rain from outside. it seemed the storm barely let up, keeping the weather steady throughout the night. only a few inches beside you, gwil was still in his slumber, the steady rise and fall of his body telling you he wouldn’t be awake for a while.

the urge to stay next to his warmth was strong, but you wouldn’t allow yourself to do that; it would be too much to add to a definition. a definition of your relationship that was most definitely not, but also was most definitely, defined.

so, instead, you pulled yourself away from what could be - once again - and began brewing some coffee and making breakfast, something completely undefinable.

THEN

the late summer evenings were always your favourite. it could be nine o’clock, but the sun would still be hovering in the sky, painting it with the most gorgeous shades of pink and yellow as the heat of the day had settled and remained, requiring only a thin hoodie to shield yourself from the natural coolness of the night air.

it was only yourself and gwil out at the moment, the others having retreated back into the house to either sleep or grab a drink. neither of you had realised that you were alone, only being interested in each other and your conversation at the time.

gwil was sat straight on the long sofa, his knees knocking into yours often as he swung his legs side to side. you were sat curled up, your body facing gwil and the others - being on the end allowed that - with your knees only ever centimetres away from him.

throughout the night, even before your friends began to leave, you two only seemed interested in each other, having little giggles and whispers to one another while the others conversed together.

during the few days you’d been away for the last couple of weeks of the summer before returning to university, your friends had placed bets on when something - anything - would happen between you and gwil. they kept it hidden, not letting anything slip of what they were up to.

nothing happened, though. you spent the rest of your time away as friends, having your little moments together several times a day.

it wasn’t until the sun had completely set and the pinks and yellows had faded into blues and blacks, with hints of purple, that you and gwil retreated back inside. the fire was left to burn out and the mess of the evening was left until morning.

NOW

with typical london weather, it was pouring. the storm had been growing slowly over the past hour or so and now showed no signs of stopping. the weather had perfectly captured your mood over the past few days; the consequence of ignoring gwilym in turn of sparing your own feelings.

but that would end soon. he was outside your door, his face flushed and cheeks warm, a coat, matching gloves and scarf, haphazardly thrown on, his knuckles rapping at the door. it pulled you from yourself, the TV’s job at drowning out the world with white noise had failed.

you barley even registered that he said your name. it came as a sweet whisper, not even making its way to you, rather past you, and through into your apartment. uninvited, which he was. you had thought the minimal messages and short responses had told him what you wanted to say. but he was here and he was-

“can i come in?” he asked, taking your blank expression and the ignoring of his first word as your continued ignoring of him. you could only nod, moving to the side a little to allow him room to get through the door, closing and locking it quickly after.

gwil had begun to pull of his gloves and scarf, his coat drenched in water. he left it over the back of one of your chairs, hoping by the time he left it would be drier, whenever that may be.

you watched as his methodically made himself comfortable, as he had done many times before. except, this time, he didn’t pour himself and drink or take his usual seat, he remained standing, his body stiff and hostile.

who to speak first, you thought. there were the differences; gwil had arrived at your apartment, but you had been disregarding his presence for the last few days, so it was debatable. and yet, it seemed gwil was in no mood to speak first, so you had too.

“gwil-”

“no,” he started, “please don’t start this bullshit on not being ready to talk, because at this rate i’ll be dead before you finally tell me anything.”

sparing your feelings meant ignoring gwil in hopes of forgetting how to love him so you could be friends again. but, in the short time, the distance had made you feel deeply for him. the disappearance of him during your daily, and weekly, activities you do together was noticeable and you really didn’t want to leave it any longer.

but you also didn’t want to be left heartbroken. so you did what you did, and now, you regret the very idea of it.

“i just don’t know how i’m feeling, okay?” you felt small. even in your house, his presence was so large, so overbearing, you felt like you didn’t belong, like you were the intruder.

there had been many times where you tried. it had been something unspoken between you two for years and you wished, with your entire heart and soul, that you could just finish being the coward and own up to how you feel. yet, your heart refused to work, refused to be compatible with your head and pushed the only person you’ve truly loved.

gwil sighed, hearing those words for what could have been the hundredth time; he’d lost count. but he refused to get angry, refused to be hurt and upset over something you can barely help. “just,,, let me know so I can stop second guessing whatever is going on between us, okay?”

it was soft, not at all what you thought it to be. paired with the way you can only imagine he’s feeling, that should have been a lot harsher, more strident. but that wasn’t gwil, and that wasn’t the way he was with you.

the next few minutes consisted of harsh glares, glancing away and silence which could be cut with a knife. it wasn’t pleasant. yet, you could think of nothing to say.

pained and desperate to end this, you crossed the space between you, so that you stood in front of him, trying to get him to see that you don’t want an argument. your feelings for him are here and there, but most certainly, there. you’d rather keep gwilym than let him go, as pitiful as it sounds. the preference of keeping him in the knowledge that he feels for you like you do him is too strong to let him go as a result of your childish exploits.

so you tell him, more show him. you’ve never felt your touch to be so soft before you held his face, cupping his cheeks into the palm of your hands while your thumbs lightly stroked the outgrown beard that littered his face. gwil hadn’t even registered your touch, thinking it was his imagination and that you hadn’t, after the days previous, just touched his with such softness and kindness.

but you had, and you leaned up towards him, his height being an extreme disadvantage in instigating a kiss. yet, you reached, allowing your lips to rest a top of his with the upmost gentleness.

you felt twelve again, running through the fields in the early morning, your hand barely touching gwil’s as his wide stride took him further away from you. you felt like you were back at that lake, the early morning sun causing the ripples to glisten as the soft pinks and purples kisses the scenery around you.

you felt nineteen again, sat among friends as you laughed together, your body being only inches from gwilym’s, so close that you could feel the rise and fall of his delicate breaths, and his knees as they knocked into your own. you felt the warmth of him and the fire and the remainder of the sun, setting, leaving the world once again with a reminder of purples and blues.

you felt whole and where you were supposed to be.

TAGLIST: @shes-over-bored @i-barely-go-on-online @sohoneyspreadyourwings @brian-maybe-not @deakysbabybooty @1001-yellow-daffodils @retromusicsalad @hardcoredisneynerd @painkiller80 @goldhoran @scarecrowmax @mebeatlized @seesiderendezvous @alright-mrfahrenheit @someone-get-a-medic @miamideacon @chlobo6 @teenagepeterpan @spacedustmazzello @deakysgurl @forever-rogue @xcdelilahxc @keepsdrawings @igotsuckedintothevoid @kill4hqueen @supersonicfreddie @laedymoon @inthedayswhenlandswerefew @warriorteam1924 @painandpleasure86 @boomerangbassist @mamaskillerqueen @bhxrdy

#versdan800wc #gwilym lee #gwilym lee fic #gwilym lee x reader #gwilym lee fanfiction #gwil lee #gwil lee fix #gwil lee x reader #gwil lee fanfiction #bohemian rhapsody #x reader #acdeaky

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reddie-fangirl24 · 5 years

Note

ok can you write adult! losers rent an rv a few months after they finally kill pennywise's ass once and for all and richie offers to drive because he knows if he sleeps he'll have a nightmare and he doesn't want them knowing. after two days of not sleeping even in the hotel mikes just like "i'm fucking driving and you're ducking sleeping" and dude has a nightmare and losers friendship hurt/comfort but richie doesn't talk the next day bc he's embarrassed and like a lot of established!reddie?? lol

Enjoy the story! It was a fun Reddie story to write!

Eddie followed the sound of crying, walking around the mazes of trees. The moment Mike had snapped at Richie about the issue of driving, Richie froze in terror after he had exploded, snapping at the group. Tears building up in the corners of his eyes, Richie ran off into the woods before everyone could witness him break down.

Poor, Richie. Even when they were kids, he refused to be open about his emotions. However, he was comfortable with Eddie sitting by his side, holding him. Then he allowed himself to be open. Why wasn’t he doing so now?

“Richie?” Eddie called out. He didn’t like being alone in the woods, especially in the territory in which he had never been. Back when he was a kid, his mother refused him to ever be alone. The Losers had to show up at his house or she’d drive him to his destination. Even when he was old enough to drive she followed him. No, this was not the time to remember those memories. That was past and he had moved on.

They couldn’t hold up their road trip schedule. Well, technically they were behind. Mike was so easily distracted, making stops. Being trapped in Derry, he never went out and experienced the world.

“Richie, it’s Eddie! Can you please answer me?” Eddie asked again, his voice cracking as his head circled like an owl. How come tree branches always looked like they could reach out and grab you? Because one’s imagination was very active, that’s why.

Finally, he found Richie. His heart broke in two. The man was sitting on a rock, his head in his hands, crying. The poor man hadn’t had any sleep in two days. Slowly, walking up behind him, Eddie slid his hands over his back. He hugged him closely, lying his head against his shoulder. Knowing that just Eddie was here made Richie feel better. But, he was so exhausted.

“Rich, can you please tell me what’s going on?” Eddie begged of him gently. He kissed his cheek. “You haven’t been acting like your usual juvenile self and I am worried.”

“You wouldn’t understand!” Richie’s voice shook right under Eddie.

Sitting down on the rock next to him, Eddie noted the dark sagging bags right under his eyes. The other night, Eddie was half asleep but he noticed that the other side of the bed was vacant. Now, he wished that he got up to inspect why the bathroom light was on. But, he fell back to sleep never knowing that Richie was struggling through panic attacks in the bathroom. Some boyfriend he was. And normally Eddie made sure that Myra was okay if she ever got up during the night.

“Please, you know you can talk to me about anything! Is there something that’s bothering you?” Eddie asked, leaning his head against his muscular shoulder and giving him a light massage. That always soothed Richie. This time it looked as if Richie were fighting not to fall asleep.

Richie sighed, his breath shaking, trying to get in control of himself. “Mike is so demanding!”

“He was just asking to take over driving! You’ve been driving the whole time. Yesterday you almost drove us off the road!”

Richie stared hatefully at the ground, removing his glasses so he could wipe away the tears easier. Those glasses were lucky to last from the way Richie took care of them.

They stayed quiet, enjoying their needed solitude. It had been eight months since they became a couple. They had a first while during this little vacation. They missed each other even though they were together with the other Losers. There was no alone time. The lovers craved a moment where they could just sneak away and have some alone time, whatever they wanted to do. Steal a kiss, talk, or just be together. Eddie loved being with Richie.

“I’ve been having nightmares,” Richie admitted after heaving a breath to get himself together. Just like that all the weight and tension released from his body, leaning into Eddie’s shoulder.

“What? Richie, why haven’t you told me?” Eddie was not at all ashamed of his love, holding him tighter and kissing his cheek. His face was rough from not shaving. Richie looked so worn out from fighting his anxiety.

Finally, Richie broke down, now that he finally told the truth. Did he feel better? He wasn’t sure. Sleep was a major part of the factor in the problem. Rocking him, like a mother cradling her baby, Eddie shooshed him, pushing their faces together, and holding Richie. They stayed like this for some time, feeling comfort.

“Do you want to tell me what your nightmares have been about?” Eddie gently asked. That’s what they did whenever one of them had a nightmare. Nightmares were the worst. But, you couldn’t stay quiet about them.

Richie was so exhausted that he was ready to fall asleep right then and there on Eddie’s shoulder. Hopefully, he wouldn’t. How on earth would Eddie lug him back to the RV?

“That fucking clown!” Richie confessed gruffly. His whole face scrunched up in anger.

Taking a deep breath himself, Eddie squeezed his shoulder, trying to relax him. “You should have told me. Or any of us.”

“‘Cause we all want to forget! Who wants to remember h- IT? Fucking IT!” Richie pounded his fists against his knees which looked like it hurt. Grabbed hold of his arm and rubbing it in a light massage, Eddie softly smoothed his tangled hair as Richie hiccuped again.

“You know, if IT hadn’t come back then we wouldn’t be together now,” Eddie pointed out to him with a tender smile.

Quiet, Richie leaned against Eddie’s shoulder, fighting himself to stay awake. “You don’t know what they were about,” Richie fought to disagree with him. He was not giving up this easily, even with how exhausted he was.

“Do you think you could tell me? Talking makes everything better. You know that for a fact, trashmouth!”

Richie laughed, but his eyes didn’t match how he was feeling. Placing his head into his hands and taking a deep breath, his whole body heaved a sigh. Eddie could just feel how tense he was, how much he was holding back.

“I keep dreaming about the fuckin’ clown ripping you apart! And I can’t do anything! You just bleed to death and I can’t do anything to help you! He laughed in my face because nobody will ever love me because of my dirty little secret! And the other times, h-he just taunts me killing you in different ways! It’s disgusting!” Richie’s voice rose at every second as he was slowly giving way to the tears. “And I can’t sleep! Yeah, I know I shouldn’t be embarrassed but we’ve been through enough! This trip is supposed to be fun! I don’t want to ruin everything! And I want you to have a good time! God, I’m just ruining everything!”

This was all so much to take in. Eddie calmed his boyfriend down making him pay attention to his breathing. Just like he did whenever Richie guided him through a panic attack. It was so hard without using his inhaler to make him breathe normally at first, but he did it. All because of Richie’s endless support.

“Were you having any of these nightmares before the trip?” Eddie asked him. In no way was he ever going to sound disappointed with him. Richie was never disappointed in him.

Richie shook his head. Even that looked hard for him to do. All the energy left his eyes. It was sad to see him this way. “It started on this trip.”

“Triggers,” Eddie explained to him, wiping away the fallen tears under his eyes. “We haven’t been together in a while. And it’s stress.”

“I just want to sleep!” Richie confessed, gulping down the tears, roughly.

Eddie held him closely, stroking his hair. “I want you to sleep, too. Let Mike drive. You and I can snuggle together in the bed. We won’t arrive at our destination in a couple of hours. Trust me, you won’t dream again as long as I am here.”

Richie couldn’t fight anymore. Agreeing, Eddie helped him stand and they walked back through the forest. Once they got back to the RV, Mike immediately got up and raced over to Richie. All the Losers crowded around Richie to make sure that he was okay.

“Rich, I’m so sorry that I snapped at you! I just never liked when people snap at me and-”

Putting his hand on Mike’s shoulder, cutting him off, Richie rubbed a tired hand against his face. “Mike, the wheel is yours.”

Surprised, the Losers looked at each other. That was easy. “Are you sure?”

Trudging his feet through the dirt and almost stumbling on the two steps to the RV, Eddie helped him inside. “I call dibs on the bed.”

Relief flowed through the group. Taking off down the roads, Richie fell right to sleep as Eddie cuddled against him. No more nightmares.

#Reddie #It Chapter 2 #angst #comfort #road trip #it movie #Richie Tozier #eddie kaspbrak #Pennywise #nightmare #the losers club #Reddie Fanfiction

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ziracona · 4 years

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hi can we pls have some uhhhh 🅱️uentin Smith headcanons, and some killers hcs if you want! I also lowkey hc Jake and Claudette to both be some degree of autistic, I imprint like a baby bird on my fav characters so I hc both Jake AND Quentin to be trans, and Quentin and Meg are ADHD infodump pals. Literally sitting around the cabin taking turns talking about something they love while the other is sitting there... no thoughts... head empty... they r supporting each other

Nice! And Claudette is canonically autistic according to her archives description as far as I can tell, and I’m so glad! You should check out @askthedreamwalker if you’re interested in Quentin art bc their Quentin is trans and they have really nice art! Also u right as hell about Quentin and Meg. He gets v excited and Meg and he can special-interest back and forth for hours One person is pitcher, pouring information into empty pitcher2, then the other takes a turn and pours back into first pitcher. Info dump support friends. Heaven.

And hells yeah, I love son boy! Idk if you mean ILM headcanons or general, so I’m just gonna go with gen.

Quentin’s got a big sense of justice. Not okay with people getting away with terrible shit, which makes the realms extra unbearable (somewhere in the distance Yui and Tapp are like ‘cheers mate’). Holds people very accountable. Boy is very fair and got upstanding character. Expects people to operate with like bare minimum decency and ain’t about to let that shit go if someone wants to be a bastard. Last person ever to let a killer get a pass for going around murdering people in-realm and would hold them extremely accountable and be v willing to kill one in a fight and view them with disgust and righteous anger, but also be one of the first people willing to forgive a killer if they genuinely reformed, or got thrown to the survivor side by the Entity and actually chose to shape up and proved they meant it. He has a huge sense of justice and righteous anger, but also believes in forgiveness and second chances. (Within reason. If any of the particularly bastard killers like GF or Nightmare or Clown showed up with a completely ooc change of heart they will never have anyway, Quentin would be like “…listen. …There are some things only God can forgive…U gotta take this one to him…and away from me. Forever…”. Boy got those high-quality standards 👌

Used to be kinda high-strung, but then his life was a living hell for so long that he ran out of energy entirely and now he has no choice but to be mostly chill. If he gets a burst of energy, the old excitement power switch flips back on and he is both way more talkative and active, and happier. Unfortunately he is usually so worn out he’s about to drop.

Got a bit of a martyr complex. The fact that literally locking himself in hell with his worst nightmare worked does not help. Feels massive guilt over the fact that the Nightmare is in the realm bc of him, but is still kind of glad bc it means he’s not out there murdering his family. Hates that he feels that way because he thinks it’s kind of wrong. Views being stuck in the realm as sort of penance for having brought Krueger unintentionally. Afraid to tell other people it’s his fault because he’s scared they would never talk to him again, and the idea of losing his friends and complete isolation here is unbearable. Feels guilt over that choice, because he feels like he’s in a way lying to them, and that if they would hate him if they knew the truth, they have a right to. Boy loves his friends hard, but does not trust them to forgive him, or to trust in him, so he’s not always completely honest about not just that but anything he’s struggling with. Very sad dumbass. Suffers alone because he’s afraid to ask for help, and/or does not think he deserves it.

Really loves the other survivors and would do anything he could to protect them. Dies in the majority of his trials because he battles endlessly trying to keep the others from being the ones who die. In a way, he’s trying to make things up to them, but he would absolutely do the same just because he loves them, and did for a long time before he ever figured out Krueger and him being taken was his fault (not that I personally think that’s a fair way for the boy to view it). Optimistic externally, struggling internally. Absolutely refuses, ever, to give up, but is always right on the threshold of having a breakdown. Pushes the others to find a way to escape and tries to give them hope. Takes a lot of shit. Will not fight back much if teased just be like -__- and moves on. Doesn’t let people boss him around though, and will always do what he thinks personally is the right thing. Extremely forgiving. (Except to himself.) Snark boy if opportunity presents itself. Can I offer you a shot of adrenaline in this trying time boy? the rest of the time.

Gives people the benefit of the doubt. Not a hoe. Would commit to a s/o very dedicatedly. Also not the kind of asshole who would cut down on time w friends when in a relationship. Boy’s love is not a zero sum game. Would die or kill for Laurie. Loves Claudette and learning botany tips from her. Thinks she is pretty and admires her kindness and skill and refusal to let the world change who she is, and wishes he was more like her. Has not told her that. Is a lot more like her in that regard than he thinks he is. Pretty damn good in a fight bc he always gets back up. Determinator. Still in love with Nancy and loyal af. Misses her a lot. Does not open up about himself as much as people think he does. Misses his dad and Nancy and his dead friends a lot, especially Jesse. Doesn’t actually talk about his problems much. Just suffers in silence because he doesn’t think he can ask for help.

Takes his faith seriously. Prays a lot, and struggles with feeling completely abandoned by God, but won’t give up on that either. Tries hard to believe he cares and things will change. Dedicated to trying to make sure that regardless of what his friends believe in, they are okay. Very sad and alone but tries to not think about that. Tries to help friends stay hopeful. Is both baby and badass sass boy in one package. Fight hard, love hard, someday will get to sleep for a whole year.

If you are nice to him once, will assume that means you are friends now. Genuinely cares deeply for every single survivor at the campfire. Wants to protect people. Constantly suffering bc that’s impossible here. Really just wants everyone to be okay someday, including himself, and simultaneously kind of feels like he no longer deserves to be okay in the end at all. Tries not to think about that. Massive guilt issues. Bottles it up. Loyal as hell. Would die for his friends so much it actively worries them and they’re like “Quentin…please. Quentin-stop—stop. You’ll die again. I swear to god Quentin! I can die this time! Quentin!!! Come back here right now!” But he never comes back. Big sibling energy. Regularly people be like “Damn u could make a pretty fine lil brother out of this” and then they do. He loves so hard. Please be nice to him. He’s always trying so hard and never thinks it’s enough. He works so hard.

Triggers include being grabbed by his hair and jerked around, losing his necklace, the cave, and the Nightmare within 15 feet of someone he loves, so homeboy has just, a lot of bad days. Is playing a fun game called ‘I will absorb trauma forever and not get help for it and then one day it will kill me’. Needs to learn to depend on his friends.

Good sense of humor, enjoys reading and music. Will talk way too much about things he likes and not notice he’s done it and then feel bad. Dumbass sweetheart, will think he’s doing a great job flirting and be proud of himself when he did not, in fact, do a suave job, but it’s cute. Tries hard. All the time. At everything. God he tries.

I would do killer hcs too but this already so long and I cut like half of what I initially wrote rip. I have too many thoughts. Head full. : ( Here’s just a few little ones:

Myers does not like working for the Entity. It tried to pull a fast one and be like, “Yes tis I, another voice in your head,” and Michael was like “Bitch it’s my head. I don’t know you!” and that did not work. While Michael very much would love to kill Laurie and get inner peace, working for the entity provides 0% daily Michael needs, and he hates it. Sometimes he just does what the fuck he wants and gets in trouble (homeslice is the only killer who can kill survivors with no mori and no perk for it. Michael cannot be controlled). Does not like being here at all. He doesn’t cause the Entity a lot of trouble like Krueger does, so it doesn’t consider him a problem killer, but they do not have a ‘Ah yes my favorite killer’ kind of thing going. Michael hates the spider-monster. He is so tired of everything at this point. Boy is suffering. Would fight the Entity if he knew how. Has been hurt by it before, and does not like that, because it takes longer to heal than he is used to.

Myers has a few times had his home area be close enough to the campfire that he could see it in the distance, and he watches them when that happens. For hours. He is lonely, but does not realize that, and probably never will. He does stand there and watch them, being sad and not realizing he’s sad at all. It’s the closest he ever gets to human interaction aside from killing people in trials.

The Entity hurts Max sometimes, not because he has done anything wrong, but because injuring him without providing even a way to prevent it keeps him peak feral and afraid, just like it wants. No time to recover or learn or grow. Just anger and pain and fear.

The Entity promises Rin a lot of things. Not because it has to, but because it enjoys the taste of her suffering. One of her addons is paper cranes, one of 1000 to make a wish, as the description says. I’ve always interpreted that to mean it likes to screw with her and offer her things like that she can do between trials, in the moments of lucidity she occasionally has when completely alone. ‘Make 1000, get your wish,’ but every time she hits 999, it blows the ones she’s made away, and she has to start over. Unclimbable hill. Just to watch her struggle. That kind of thing. Intentionally tends to send survivors her way it knows she would dislike killing the most, just to watch her have to do it against her will and bask in the horror of what she cannot make herself not do.

#dead by daylight #ask #speckeltail #dbd #quentin smith #michael myers #rin yamaoka

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famedroleplayarchive · 4 years

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there's a serious problem with lack of dash activity and plotting here. and even though you don't really take advice on how to improve the group or adding groups(unless its specifically something /youre/ asking of the group), the unwillingness to change much of anything besides "model groups" instead of making interesting changes like opening trainee slots, potential duos, bands, and staff positions, fun hinting at group debuts, or even a revamp of the blog with new features is discouraging.

Hi! As a policy, it’s much easier for me to address concerns off-anon, but I do want to start off by saying that I’m always open to taking suggestions for what people want to see! I address that and the bulk of your message more fully under the cut, but I wanted to touch on your dash and plotting concerns first above the cut since I wanted to give members a little reminder, too.

If you’re having problems with or concerns about any specific members, please come to me off-anon and I will speak to them. I can’t ever fully know what’s going on with plotting since that almost exclusively happens over messages, which I have no access to. If your writing partners have been slow to reply lately, we’ve got mini-events with the Base blog along with future full-group events and tasks that will be ramping up that will provide more to write about, as the dash does slow down when we don’t have any real events or tasks going on.

I definitely hear your concern, though, so, members, please make sure you’re putting in the effort to write and plot with those who express interest in doing so with you, and don’t be afraid to reach out to others if you feel your plots are currently lacking! Life can make people slow (myself included right now, especially when it comes to responding to plotting messages and, to a lesser extent, messages on the main), but make sure to follow up when you do get the chance, and it never hurts to let someone know that you’ve got a lot going on right now, so maybe going with the flow on a starter or doing a text thread (though, reminder: those don’t count for activity) would be better for the time being.

Likewise, members, if you ever have concerns about feeling excluded by anyone, please message me off-anon and I will do what I can to try to help you out! Your comfort is of utmost important to me.

Now, I’d like to address the latter part of your message, since it concerns me that I may have given off any kind of impression that I’m not open to suggestions or advice.

As I said at the beginning of this post, I am always open to hearing out suggestions and advice! A lot of updates that have been added recently are at the suggestion of members. Almost all of the claims that have been added to the points shop recently were specific requests by members, as well as several past rule updates and general changes to how the group is run. The biggest addition we’ve had to the group in a while was the addition of the Base blog and the events that will come from it (and the full scope of possibilities I want to incorporate through that has yet to be shown!) was an idea I’d had since the beginning of the roleplay in some sense, but was largely shaped by suggestions and requests from members past and present and those who submitted what they wanted to see anonymously.

Generally, as a rule, I don’t publicly reply to suggestions for the group that come in since it can be hard to make an official statement on any plans I have for incorporating them before I’ve entirely thought it through and figured the best way, time, and method to implement a suggestion. I keep all anonymous suggestions I receive, so that I can keep them in mind and come back to them later. Messages do get eaten, though, so if you want to be one hundred percent sure I got something, please message me the suggestion off-anon and let me know you’d like to know I got it!

I do understand that the few times I have replied to anonymous suggestions publicly, it’s more often than not been to say that something won’t be able to be implemented (or that, if it will, it’s a ways off), but I only do that when a request or suggestion has been made multiple times and I’ve thought it through enough that I really don’t see it working within the confines of the group so that members aren’t holding on for something that I won’t be able to make happen for them. This includes what you’ve mentioned about opening the roleplay up for trainees, staff, or bands, because those are simply not roles that would work within the mechanics of the roleplay and its concept since everything (events, claims, points) is based around the specific lives and careers of debuted idols. Muses outside of that would naturally feel left out unless I were to do a major overhaul of the group’s core. I know idol roleplays with those types of open roles have been done before and are probably being done out there right now, though, so I do hope you can find a place to write your trainee, staff, or band muse if that’s what you really want to write out! Unfortunately, the specific sub-set of the idol roleplay genre that I’ve chosen for Famed to exist within doesn’t easily accommodate the types of roles outside of those that already exist within it. As for duos, I had suggestions brought to me about people wanting to see more sub-unit and canon collaboration opportunities and I’m doing my best to make that happen through all of the recent sub-unit debuts and the COLLA3ORATE event through the Base blog, and beyond that, music collaborations, dramas, variety shows, etc. are always available as a claim for two muses to work and/or promote together if they want to!

No group debuts have been hinted at recently because there’s none immediately planned anymore. I had a boy group I wanted to debut this summer, but it’s more important to me that existing muses have group mates to write with before I bring in new spots, so nothing is planned to happen there with that new boy group debut until next calendar year at earliest. We’ve had at least one new group or soloist debut every year since the roleplay opened (Femme Fatale in 2017; Lucid and Dimensions Soloist 2 in 2018; BC Soloist 1 in 2019; Dimensions Soloist 3 in 2020) and new debuts are something I’d like to keep up for as long as it’s reasonable.

I’m not able to accommodate what every single request, suggestion, and desire everyone has for the roleplay because not everything will fit into the roleplay realistically and logistically, but I promise I have never refused to make a suggestion happen out of sheer stubbornness or refusal to be open to others’ ideas!

In my view, my role as an admin is to keep the roleplay running and offer updates, changes, plot drops, story lines, etc. to encourage muse for writing among muns, but I am also very aware of roleplay as a collaborative art — meaning, as an admin, I also want to work with members to help craft a community unique to the members we have had and do have that wouldn’t exist in the form it does without their creativity and ideas. That’s why I will sometimes put out surveys for opinions and feedback like you mentioned. I never want to make members feel burdened by those, as they are always completely optional, and are intended to help me, as a solo admin, get a broader view on suggestions that have been brought to me to see if it’s something more widely desired. Other times, yes, they do involve concerns and ideas of my own, but I have no desire to put the burden of admin-ing on members’ shoulders and I sincerely apologize if it ever feels like that’s what I’m doing by putting out opinion and feedback surveys. I do often make decisions without surveys, but when it’s something that I’m not fully set on doing or not doing, I like to know if it’s something that will make members happy since, once again, I really do want the roleplay to be shaped in part by what brings members muse instead of forcing things that might suck inspiration out of the roleplay when that’s the opposite of my intention. If I’m asking for member opinions, that is always completely optional and if you don’t want to answer, you should never feel you have to! If the requests for opinions and feedback don’t match what you want to give, then you are encouraged to message me anyway with your own!

I do want to reiterate again since I am very saddened to hear I may have come off contrarily: I love receiving ideas for the roleplay from members. I do not regularly reply to anonymous suggestions so that I can keep them in the inbox to come back to, but I am happy to read them and consider them. I was actually thinking very recently about how I might want to open a separate ask box or open submission form for suggestions to encourage members to send their thoughts in when they have them, but we have quite a few blogs already, so I didn’t know if that would be wanted.

I’m one person and while I try my best to try to come up with new ideas and ways to keep the group exciting without being overwhelming, I’m under no illusion that there aren’t people out there with ideas I never would have thought of that are better than anything I could come up with on my own and it excites me when I get messages with new ideas for the group, even when I’m not able to implement them, because people making suggestions means they’re excited about the group and/or they have enough investment to want to see something and that means the world to me!

As for a revamp of the blog with new features, I’m not confident I know exactly what you’re referring to there, but if you mean a revamp for a new look, I know we’ve had the same graphics and themes on our blogs for a while as it hasn’t been a priority for me to change those with everything else I’ve had going on, but any suggestions you might have for functional features you want to see on any of our blogs would be great to hear! I’ve been working behind the scenes on creating a timeline of major canon career events (tours, first award wins, foreign debuts, that kind of thing) for each of the groups, sub-units, and canon soloists, so I hope to have those added to the new page layouts some time within the next few months, but other new features on the main, Exclusive blog, Base blog, and company blogs are more in their infancy, so any suggestions there would be lovely to hear!

#Anonymous

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motherfated · 4 years

Text

AREUM’S ROUTE / BAD ENDS / GOOD ENDS / AFTER ENDING STUFF. this is a super long post, please don’t feel like you gotta read it, i just wanted to write it.

HOW TO EARN AREUM HEARTS:

Complimenting Mei-Shin or just asking about her daughter’s wellbeing in general with usually get you to earn a heart along with telling areum you’ve eaten, show interest in her baking & show concern for the other members once everything starts to go downhill.

HOW TO GET AREUM’S HEART BREAKS:

if mc thinks of only herself openly in chatlogs, is rude towards any of the members, speaking negatively about areum’s comfort in alcohol, makes any rude/hurtful comment towards rika. ( areum had high respect towards rika! )

COMMON ROUTE.

areum is actually pretty skeptical of MC, she’s closed off and very quiet, only making small inputs of her opinion in the prologue. she’s distant to mc and doesn’t tend to stay long in chatrooms after the prologue. areum had high respect towards rika and what she did to get guests to the party so of course areum is going to be standoffish and distant when a stranger comes in. in the prologue, areum openly argues with v’s decision to let MC stay and do rika’s work. of course, not meaning to give any disrespect towards MC, but areum is a single mother to a one-year-old, she can’t help but be a nervous wreck when some stranger comes into the messenger, a place where she feels safest. she’s not happy and only sends a “Fine.” before leaving the chatroom at the end of it.

DAYS 5 & 6

after all the chatrooms and calls, you got areum’s route she most likely part of the DEEPER STORY part of mystic messenger! she’s slowly opening up more to you as the chatrooms go by and get to know you. she even apologizes for how cruel she must have been in the beginning, of course super embarrassed and timid in reaching out to MC. her hearts are a lot easier to earn, and almost like zen hands out hourglasses, areum hands out hearts depending on if you do what’s said above. she really is the sugar momma for hearts.

throughout these two days, areum is a lot friendlier after apologizing for her behavior when she first met MC, she even suggests for them to bake together after the party! asking MC what her favorite sweets are & makes promises to bake them for her! if MC calls areum, sometimes she’ll let MC talk with Mei-Shin over the phone! she really growing wowie. she even mentions how she’ll casually drink from time to time which is actually hinting towards her severe addiction to it.

DAY 7.

when the bodyguards are sent out / the bomb is revealed, areum is super active in the messenger, continuously asking if MC is okay, desperately wanting to help her out in some way but obviously, she can’t actually do anything. areum openly expresses her concerns and unease towards her own bodyguards, making comments on how she feels like a bigger target with a group of people in suits following her, escorting her to places. she even starts to speak about her parents and how they disowned her for getting pregnant before marriage, etc to mc (and basically the rfa bc the messenger.) and revealing her damaged relationship with them and her younger brother. and even though she’s angry with her parents, she desperately wants to fix things... but just doesn’t know how and is too stubborn to let go of the fact they shunned her and their only grandchild...

DAYS 8 & 9.

IN THE CHATROOM AT 3:40 AM areum, drunkenly, reveals the past about her abusive ex-boyfriend to MC and basically the whole RFA when in a chatroom with MC. speaking of the verbal/psychological, and sometimes physical abuse that happened, how she felt so useless then & when rika’s suicide happened, and now, with MC in danger, she feels like she’s back in that mindset. she can’t help but worry constantly about MC, drunkenly expressing how her heart can’t take the worry, that it aches too much to the point she can’t focus. Areum reveals that alcohol has helped her feel better in the means of forgetting the ‘ache’ in her chest every time she thinks of her ex-boyfriend, rika’s suicide, MC’s safety... Areum brings up that her baby daddy ran into her today, which was also the second reason why she decided to drink so heavily.

As the days continue, it’s clear Areum is sinking into a deeper depression and deeper into her addiction as she shows more typos, becomes more sentimental, or if she calls MC her words are slow & slurred. News gets out that Myung is filing for custody over mei-shin and Areum can’t stop the panic attacks she gets in the story branch that’s unlocked. It’s revealed how unstable areum's mental state is, holding her daughter and crying uncontrollably, slurring apologies for everything to ghostly ears.

BAD END # 1 BRANCH DAY 8.

if MC were to take Areum’s brother’s side with taking mei-shin and make playful comments instead of being serious and constructive in ways to support the woman and offer help, Areum suddenly goes radio silent, rarely logging into the messenger. The last time she does log in is at night when no one else is logged in, being completely wasted, she sends a picture of the stars from her rooftop, making comments on how they sparkle and how beautiful they are before she logs out of the chatroom. When Areum gets up to go inside, she loses her balance and ultimately slips, falling off the 10 story building, too drunk to catch herself and ultimately ending in her death.

BAD END # 2 BRANCH DAY 9 - 10.

Myung wins full custody of mei-shin and that’s the snapping point for areum. she’s in a dark place mentally and can’t find a way out, her depression becomes more apparent and obvious down this branch as she makes comments in chatrooms on how empty everything seems, she doesn’t post pictures of home-made sweets like she used to, you’ll see her name in the chatroom but she won’t speak unless spoken to, and even then her answers are short and cryptic. eventually, she doesn’t login anymore, doesn’t go to work, doesn’t eat. she’s empty, SHE’S LOST. on day 10, a mint eye believer comes knocking, areum on auto-pilot opens the door, she’s then told of paradise and how it’s she is so close to being welcomed into it, of course advertising their organization and with areum in her robotic / auto-pilot state, she starts to believe them. in depressive thoughts believing that possibly her daughter would be waiting in paradise for her.

after hours of not logging on, areum finally does, just to send ‘Please do not worry. I’m going to be fine now, everything will be fine now.’ before logging out with no further explanation, either destroying or leaving her phone in her apartment, areum disappears, allegedly joining mint eye. Her brother puts up Missing Person posters for Areum at local convent stores, park billboards, etc. But she has just vanished.

DAYS 10 - 11. GOOD ENDING.

If MC stays supportive but also realistic with areum in her battle with her addiction, she’ll start to see reason, and see that if she doesn’t clean up her act, her daughter will be taken away from her. she finally agrees to seek out help from local AA meetings, tossing out a bottle one day every other week, of course, baby steps. she will fall and struggle sometimes but with this new determination thanks to MC’s support and somewhat wake up call, she refuses to stay down. when it’s the day of the party, areum doesn’t log into the morning chatroom. but at the party, areum has mei-shin in her arms, standing at the mic, thanking all the guests for attending, speaking of the rfa and their purpose before she switches the topic to her own battle and how she wouldn’t be standing there to greet them all if it wasn’t for one special woman, lololol it’s mc surprise. areum makes a speech of how mc has changed her life for the better and how she wants to continue to work on herself for not only her daughter, but for MC and the rfa members, and ofc u know this girl is gonna look at MC and do a cheesy thing like “if you’re by my side, i know i can defeat my demons... i love you, mc... thank you for being the light at the end of the tunnel for me...” BEFORE COMIN DOWN WITH HER DAUGHTER AND SMOOCHINTF OUTTA MC SDKKJSDKJFD

AFTER ENDING.

o ha ha. EVERYTHING’S GREAT BRUH. areum is 4 years sober now, she has her own bakery but also teaches young children how to play the violin, and u know areum is big gay for mc. even putting MC’s name on the bakery’s name along with hers, and mei-shin is happy with her two moms don't even @ me bro. areum’s hair is longer, usually tied back, and she’s so happy, you can see the fucking SUNSHINE RADIATING OFF OF HER BRO. she bakes mc cute cupcakes almost every weekend and is a lot more open with her past to all her friends now. she even fixed her broken relationship with her parents and younger brother, having them involved in her life & mei-shin’s. there’s family photos hanging up in the bakery and everyONE IS JUST SO HAPPYYYY.

#* DEPRESSION.#* ALCOHOLISM.#* MENTION OF SUICIDE.#* HEADCANONS. - let's add it to the list !#* ABOUT. - will you remember me when you close your eyes...?#d....do i have two about tags.... U H OH #I DOO NOOO DKJFDKHKJFD #i cannot tell you how many times i've thought about areum's route.#that's why there's so much jhsdhkdfkj #* DOMESTIC ABUSE MENTION.#* MANIPULATION MENTION.#* LONG ASS POST.

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oscar-piastri · 5 years

Text

rewrite history [ben hardy x reader]

title: rewrite history

pairing: ben hardy x reader

summary: where ben and the reader have a huge fight because of ben’s career. he wakes up the next day in an unknown apartment, only to realise that his meeting with the reader never happened.

words: +10k (i’m shook)

taglist: @styles-charli

notes: kinda long bc ya know i had to write their whole story and how they met. I also never wrote anything that long so please, forgive me if you get lost because it can be a little bit messy

BECAUSE OF TAGGING ISSUES I AM REPOSTING THIS

Ever since you were little and watched all those romantic movies, you were dying to meet the right person, the one you’d live happily until the end. And you believed that it could happen to you when your path crossed Ben’s. Meeting Ben in high school was the highlight of your life, it only took an eye contact for you to fall head over heels for this boy, and the feeling was mutual.

You actually met during your junior year of high school. You often stayed a bit late at school to study because you knew you’d be too distracted at home, with the television playing in the background, your phone right next to you. One night, you stayed so you could practice your oral presentation for you history class for the next day. You were walking in the woods, trying to memorize your text by saying it out loud but you couldn’t help but grunt every time you’d mess up at a specific part.

“It was actually better than the previous time” you jumped with surprise when you heard this voice behind your back. You turned around slowly, still panting from the little heart attack you almost had. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare the hell out of you” the boy apologized, smiling.

You looked at him and you felt like his smile was contagious, because you were smiling back at him, completely forgetting about your history presentation for a few minutes when you noticed his beautiful eyes. And it was all it took for you to experience the amazing thing that is a coup de foudre. “It’s okay. I was just too focused on this thing for my own good” you explained, waving the paper in your hands.

“I’m Ben, by the way” he introduced himself, placing his right in front of him.

“Y/N” you replied shaking his hand. Your eyes landed on his sport bag and you couldn’t help but ask him what he was doing.

“Rugby practice. We kind of finished later than usual” you explained, dropping his bag on the ground to sit on the table behind him. “I was on my way home when I heard you speak to yourself, so I came inside” he continued and his words made you blush in embarrassment.

“I was not talking to myself! I was reciting my presentation!” You defended yourself, putting your notes in front of his face, making him laugh.

Ben looked at his watch and put his eyes on you again. “We’ve got twenty minutes before they close the door. Need help?” You couldn’t turn down Ben’s offer, your stress made it impossible to memorize everything so a little help couldn’t hurt.

You spent the last minutes trying to memorize your speech with Ben’s help, until the watchman asked the two of you to leave. You grabbed your stuff and walked with Ben to the school’s door. You eventually thanked him and left to go back home.

You spent that night completely forgetting about your presentation because Ben was the only thing in your mind, and to be honest, it wasn’t a bad thing. It allowed you to forget everything about your stress.

The next day, you successfully presented your history presentation, you knew your text, didn’t stutter, didn’t forget anything and for once in your school life, you were able to spend your presentation without your nose stuck in your notes.

After your day, you decided to find Ben and thank him for his little help that boosted you. You remembered Ben mentioned a rugby practice, so you decided to head towards the sport field, hoping you’d find him. You noticed his silhouette running during his training so you decided to sit on the bleachers to wait until it was over.

About 30 minutes later, Ben and his teammates were grabbing their bags. When Ben looked in your direction, you shyly waved at him and he instantly jogged in your direction.

“I wanted to thank you for yesterday. I don’t know what you did to me, but I slayed my presentation” you giggled before placing the book you were reading back in your bag.

“Yeah, my charm is working great. I’m pretty sure I hypnotised you with my smile and you managed to do great” Ben joked, winking at you. His act made you blush a little, because you could feel your cheeks getting warmer.

“So hum… What can I do, to properly thank you for last night?” You asked Ben with a smile.

Ben was wearing a huge and cheeky smile on his face, not hesitating any seconds before telling you what he wanted. “You can agree to go on a date with me”

You were quite surprised by his demand and you swore that your mouth stayed open while your brain was processing everything, which took a little bit of time. “Uh… Y-yeah. Sure” you eventually managed to speak, but you couldn’t hide the effect Ben had on you, as your cheeks became red for the second time in just a few minutes.

The blond boy couldn’t hide his joy either, as he took his phone out of his bag and handed it to you, so you could give me your phone number. “I’ll text you” Ben promised you before you let him go to the locker room so he could change.

Walking to get outside the field, you received a text from an unknown message and you figured it was Ben. You read his text “How about tomorrow night?” and turned around to find Ben looking at you, right in front of the locker room. You happily texted him right away, saying that you couldn’t wait.

One date, one kiss and you were already head over heels. Your relationship with Ben felt like an evidence and you couldn’t wait to finish high school by his side and see what the future was holding for the two of you. Holding hands in hallways, little kisses before going to different classes, waiting for him at his rugby practice, watching every rugby games, Ben helping you study were your daily routine, and it soon turned you into the most famous couple in your high school.

“So, what do you think? I need your opinion” Ben said, anxiously playing with his fingers.

“I think you should try it!” You replied in all honesty. “It’s worth a shot!” Ben had just told you he wanted to join a drama school. His friends were the one who suggested it, because he needed a new activity, due to the fact that he had to quit rugby. It was a terrible decision for him to make, but he was always suffering from many injuries and it could be dangerous for him if he continued to play. But now, his friends were trying to find a new passion and you couldn’t help but feel excited for Ben.

“Alright love, I trust you for this one” he said before kissing you. And this boy was right to listen to you and his friends.

Plays, famous tv show in England, Hollywood when he got cast to play in the new X-Men movie, Ben achieved all of that with his school. The more he was acting, the more he loved it. When you met Ben, he wanted to become an engineer, after that he saw himself becoming a professional rugby player, but now, the only thing he wanted to be was an actor.

Even though you were still studying, you would still attend event with your boyfriend, to show how proud you were of him and to show him your endless support.

Ben helped you study back in high school and now you were helping him learning his lines for new movie projects. Ben always turned to you for your opinion and advice. Every time he was offered a new acting proposition, you could be sure to spend the night listening to Ben’s doubts, opinions on the role and help him decide whether or not he’d accept it.

You heart would melt every time Ben mentioned you in an interview and you thanked the world every night for putting Ben in your life. It was obvious that Ben and you made the perfect team. You both have come so far and the feeling of pride was always mutual. Your career was nothing next to Ben’s acting career, but you were doing your dream job and this is what made Ben so proud of you. Everything was perfect, just like a dream. Ben was often absent but you still made it work. Your relationship was filled with supporting texts, dance sessions in the kitchen, cute pics. You adopted a dog, you got engaged and were planning the next step: maybe a baby.

But sadly, everything doesn’t stay perfect for too long. Ben was now casted in bigger movies, his fame was rising and his absences were longer and started to hurt more than they did before. Ben wasn’t asking you to attend events with him anymore, saying he didn’t want you to be harassed by fans and paparazzi, it was crazy because it never bothered him before. So you always stayed home, watching him posing with girls, who by the way, were standing way to close to him. It was painful to watch, because after years of being together, you were slowly feeling left out. Now the kitchen was empty, Ben wasn’t here with you to dance anymore, you took your meals alone in front of the tv because he was barely home, too busy to hang out with his friends. Ben was barely talking about his schedule anymore and you found yourself betting on if he would be home that day or not.

Today was a special day for you, your birthday. You loved this day because Ben would always make his day free of any appointments and any scenes to shoot, just to spend the entire day with you. But today it was completely different, you woke up to an empty space next to you and that set up the mood for the rest of the day. If this happened a year ago, you would have thought that Ben was in the kitchen, making you an awesome breakfast but today, you refused to be fooled by a fantasy, perfectly knowing that Ben wasn’t in the house.

You heart still shattered when you left your room to find the house empty of Ben’s presence. You were still greeted by Frankie but it wasn’t the same. You walked in every single room of this house that now seemed too big for yourself, hoping to find a note from Ben, at least to say where it was, but there was no sign of it. You never felt that lonely on this day you loved this much.

Your ended up spending this day by yourself, with the company of your loyal dog just answering phone calls of your family, wishing you a happy birthday. It was hard for you to swallow your tears, not wanting to let them know about your day turning into a disaster. You friends didn’t bother make plans for you because they all thought you’d spend your day with Ben, you couldn’t blame them for not doing anything because even you thought Ben would be here with you. Every time your phone rang, you hoped it was Ben that was calling you. You left him a few texts because you were getting a little bit worried, but he never replied.

Your heart actually stopped beating when you randomly switched channels and ended up on a random emission where Ben was the guest of the day. Of course you were relieved he was fine, but you were feeling so mad that he was on tv on not with you for your birthday. You were already dialing his agent’s number but what Ben was saying made you stop.

“Yeah, I pretty much owe my career to my friends. They’re the ones that got me to switch into acting. I wasn’t sure at first but they had pretty good arguments” Ben explained to the journalist, that seemed to drink his words like it was water, not even realising that Ben was not saying the entire truth. You were upset to hear that Ben completely erased you from that life changing decision he took years ago with you. He always told you that it was because you thought it was a good idea that he actually did it, and now, he was changing history.

“Well, thank you for giving us some time Ben. But before we finish, I heard you had some big news to tell the world?” the journalist asked her last question and it made you all confused. What news were they talking about?

“Yeah, I guess this is the perfect moment to announce that I got cast in a new big movie. I’m very excited to be a part of this project, it’s gonna be a real challenge for me and I can’t wait to start shooting in a few days” Ben announced, a pure and exciting smile on his face whereas your face was wearing nothing but sadness. You jaw dropped when you fully understood his words and you grabbed the remote in a hurry to turn the tv off. You were left disappointed with a heavy silence that made you hear Ben’s words again and again in your head.

You couldn’t believe that Ben just destroyed your team, by pushing you away from his life, from his project, when you’ve been here with him since his start. He was erasing you from his professional life and you couldn’t help but ask yourself how long until he erase you from his entire life.

You forced yourself to get up and walked to your bedroom. Your mind wasn’t at it but you changed your clothes into your pajamas and climbed into bed, waiting for Ben to eventually come back.

For hours, you kept looking at the white ceiling above you. You didn’t move when you heard the door opening and Frankie barking to welcome her favorite owner. It took Ben a few minutes, that felt like an eternity for him to find his way to your bedroom.

“Are you asleep?” He asked whispering as he walked to his drawers. But you didn’t answer, and you just rolled in bed so your back was facing him. You felt his body in bed and you decided it was time to speak up.

“Do you even still love me?” Your voice broke the silence that was feeling like a terrible pain. You couldn’t look at Ben, and you wished for him to be asleep so he’d never have to answer.

“Of course I love you! Darling, why are you even asking me this dumb question?” Ben replied right away, changing his position so he could sit next to you.

You searched deep for the confidence to confront your fiancé. You turned around to see Ben and you did just like him, you sat on the bed. “You’ve been erasing me from your life, Ben! I can forgive that you don’t mention me for you debut career, but I can’t help but feel useless when I hear that you’re accepting movies without talking about it with me! I thought you always wanted to have my opinions on things. I thought we were a team, in all aspects of our life!” You cried out, letting the pain out of your body.

Ben was a little bit lost and the confusion could be read on his face from miles. “B-but we’re a team, love! Look, I know I haven’t been good to you lately but this movie, I always dreamed of something like that. I couldn’t hesitate” he confessed, trying to reassure you the best he could.

“It’s not just this… Do you know what day we are?” You told him, ready for the possible confrontation.

He seemed to think for a minute and you saw on his face that he remembered because guilt was covering your face “Your birthday…”

“I waited all day for you to come home. But I didn’t know if you were, because I don’t know what are your plans anymore. You just keep me in a blur, guessing what you’re doing” you explained trying to stay calm, but your nerves were driving you crazy and you had to get up. Your fingers landed on your engagement ring and started to twist it as you were speaking.

Ben instinctively moved from his spot to be right in front of you, putting his hands on your fingers “Please don’t take it off” he begged so quietly that it felt like it was just the sound of the wind.

“Trust me, I don’t want to… But I’m not sure I’m happy enough to keep it forever” you confessed, not wanting to lie to Ben.

“How can you even say that?! I’m giving you everything you ever wanted!” Ben argued clenching his jaw, not understanding how you could feel like that

“Yeah, everything but yourself….” You muttered and it drove Ben even more angry

“You know what, let’s not talk about that now. I’ve got an important thing tomorrow” he growled, angrily passing a hand on his blond hair.

“Wow, nice. Just ignore this. Very mature Ben” you sarcastically said, clapping your hands

“Screw it” he hissed before getting out of the bed. He grabbed his clothes and you saw him change in a hurry. You heard his footsteps on the ground and a minute later the door slammed shut, leaving you alone once again.

When you realised he was gone, you tried to bite your lips to avoid the tears from falling but it was completely useless as you became a crying mess. And as painful as it was to do it, you took off the ring and placed it on your nightstand.

Ben on the other hand, was not ready to go to sleep, as he was sitting in the local pub, trying to drown his anger in alcohol. A fight was the last thing he needed and even thought he was thinking about it, he couldn’t understand your point. You’re happy, he’s happy, the perfect couple, just like in high school.

After hours of looking at his empty drink and all the bottle in front of you, he chose to go home, hoping that you wouldn’t be mad anymore. When he got to your bedroom, he saw your sleeping silhouette and he actually smile because you were sleeping peacefully. But his smile disappeared right away when he noticed the ring on the nightstand. He knew that it wasn’t saying that you were splitting up, just that you were pushing back the wedding but it felt like he was being stabbed in the heart over and over again. He eventually collapsed on the ground, with the only wish to talk about it when you’d wake up.

Ben woke up with the worst headache when his alarm went off. He grunted trying to catch his phone and after struggling for seconds he managed to turn off the alarm, making the silence ease the pain in his head. He got up with difficulty, his legs were feeling too heavy for him.

“Love?” He called out, walking in the room, rubbing his eyes half closed to wake himself up. Ben knew the room by heart but was surprised to hit a wall on his way to the living room. “Shit since when is there a wall here?”

He kept walking, the impact against the wall made him fully awake and he couldn’t hide his panic when he didn’t recognize any of the furnitures. “What is this place?... Oh my god, did I cheat on Y/N?” Ben asked to himself, worrying about what he did or not did while he was drunk the other night.

Ben’s first instinct was to call you, he unlocked his phone in a hurry and looked for your number but there was nothing. The incomprehension was present and it got worse when he realised the lockscreen wasn’t the same. It used to be a picture of you holding Frankie and now it was a picture of him with other people. He did not even recognized who was posing with him on this picture, at least not all of them.

Ben looked around the place, ran into every room of the apartment to find clues and he noticed pictures of him framed and hanging on walls. Everything looked like at was Ben’s place. He eventually found a little dog sleeping on his bed, it wasn’t Frankie but it was still something. He tried to call Joe. He had to call Joe to seek some answers. Maybe it was a prank, maybe it was a bad dream, but one thing was sure, Ben needed answers.

But when he realised Joe was missing from his contact list, he couldn’t help but yell to express his frustration. He noticed on the kitchen table some newspapers and saw that the front page was destined to a huge article about Bohemian Rhapsody. His heart stopped beating again when he realised he wasn’t the actor playing Roger Taylor, he grabbed the sheet of papers and threw them in the nearest trash can. It was all incoherent and he eventually decided to sit on the couch and take deep breath, maybe if he was calming himself, he’d see things more clearly.

He finally opened the laptop in front of him, surprised to find himself tapping the password like he knew it for years. “Rugby0201”, what a dumb password, he’d never pick something so easy. He went on google and searched for his own name. Nothing. No article about him nor his movies, his filmography was absent and only his personal social media accounts were linked. He clicked on his twitter and instagram account; just pictures of him with what seemed to be his friends, tweets about rugby. Not a single picture with Y/N. He then searched for your name and ended up on your accounts. He was surprised to see that you were following each other, even though all your accounts were pretty much empty. Oh, he wasn’t surprised, he knew you weren’t a big fan of exposing your life on the internet. You only opened those accounts because your friends kept asking you to do that. But it still meant that you knew each other in this life.

His mind focused again on the whole situation: it could be a prank from Joe, maybe there’s a secret camera and it’s part of a plan to promote Bohemian Rhapsody? Who was he kidding? No one would go this far just for a single prank. It was time to face the truth: Ben ended up somewhere where you never fell in love, and this explains so many changes. Probably a parallel universe.

Ben closed his eyes, remembering all the good things: how you first met, your first kiss, your first time, when you met his parents and when he met your family, when you adopted Frankie, when you got engaged, just all the happy memories. Ben wanted to cry but no tears came and it made him even more sad and angry at himself.

The sound of the doorbell brought Ben back to reality. He hesitantly walked to the front door and looked through the judas hole. He saw the familiar figure of one of his friend and was glad to see someone he knew. “Great, it’s you!” Ben said, opening the door. He was ready to take this opportunity to ask his friend as many questions as he wanted, to discover who is the Ben from this life.

“Wow, you look terrible! Have you been drinking?” his friend James asked laughing when he noticed the terrible face of Ben. “You could have invited me!”

“Yeah, I feel like I don’t know where I am” he said, trying to laugh at this situation. Ben and his friend sat on the couch, Ben was playing with his hands to distract him from going crazy. He knew this friend back in his real life, but now it was a complete stranger and Ben wasn’t sure he could trust him enough to tell him about what happened to him.

“Okay… Quick question, who am I? Like… What do I do?” Ben blurred out, using this opportunity to get to know himself better.

This question raised confusion in his friend and it started to worry him. “Mate… You okay?” His friend asked.

“Just answer” Ben said raising his voice, forcing his friend to answer this fundamental question.

“You’re an engineer. You wanted to be a professional rugby player but you had to let go of this dream because of injuries. But we still play every week” His friend finally answered, still not sure of Ben’s state. “You sure you’re okay?”

“Uh? Yeah… I got so drunk, it’s messing with my head” Ben faked a laugh, hoping this lie would be a good apology.

“... Okay? Well let’s go. We don’t wanna be late to rugby” Ben’s answer seemed to be a good one because his friend let it go. “And don’t forget, about lunch tonight, it’s for a big occasion” James continued, winking at Ben.

Ben didn’t understood everything but still nodded and acted like everything was fine, not wanting to worry his friend even more. He was dying to ask about you, he wanted to know if his friend knew you too but he didn’t want to sound like a crazy person.

Ben was glad that he could play rugby today. He needed an escape, a place to let his frustration out and the field was the perfect choice. It’s not a lie that he tried to get hurt really bad on his head, just to collapse on the ground and wake up with you next to him, like nothing happen. But as he expected, none of this happened and he just ended up with a worse headache than this morning.

When he got home, he spent a long hour under the shower, his mind quickly got lost in the fog created by the hot water, and the only thing he could think of, was the shower you used to take together, because you wanted to “save the water to save the planet”. The towel wrapped around his waist, he stayed a few minutes watching himself in the mirror, asking how it all got wrong. It has been a crazy day, a living nightmare and he couldn’t wait until that the diner with his friends goes quick so he could just lay back in bed, praying to wake up in his normal life. He didn’t totally wanted to go there, he didn’t know anyone there, his friends were no longer the same he used to know, he was not the same Ben they knew, it would just add more stress to this nightmare. But once again, Ben knew he couldn’t let this opportunity to get answers vanish, so he finally decided to look for nice clothes to wear.

But before going, Ben stopped at the table and grabbed some papers and a pen. It was important for him to write everything about this situation, so on the first paper, he wrote some of his favorite memories with you. On the other one, he rewrote the night where you had the fight that changed it all. He was not done, he wanted to write everything that he could think of, and he decided to write in two different columns, the life of the two different Ben he was. Ben1, the original Ben from his previous life, a notorious actor who married the love of his life. Ben2, an engineer playing rugby with his friends and who did not married the love of his life. If he didn’t want to screw up Ben2’s life, he had to take notes about his life and keep acting like him. He didn’t know how long he’d be trapped here, so taking notes about Ben2 was the most important thing to avoid raising suspicions. The last paper that was on the table was used to write about you. What y/n1 was doing, loved and hated and who y/n2 was. Sadly, the y/n2 column stayed empty but it made Ben more determined to get to the you from this universe, and discover what he needed to do to get his life back.

Ben took off the dumb wall decorations to put those papers on the wall, so he could take a look at them everyday and never forget about those cherished memories. He sighed when the clock showed him that it was time for him to leave. When Ben got to the restaurant address his friend sent him earlier, he noticed that most of his friends were here but couldn’t help to consider them as strangers. Friends for Ben2, but strangers for Ben1. He greeted them all with a fake smile, acted like he knew what he was doing but still used the headache and the many knocks he received at his latest rugby game as an excuse to stay in retreat. His friend was late and Ben was starting to get more and more impatient. He was about to text his friend to ask what was happening when he saw his friend coming through the door.

Ben thought he was hallucinating when he recognized who was escorting his friend. His heart stopped when he realised it was really you, holding hands with his friend, all smiling. Even though you were sitting on the other side of the table, Ben kept looking at you the whole time. God you were beautiful, and he missed this vibrant smile you used to have, the one you used to give him. His heart stopped everytime you kissed his friend because he only wished to be at his place, it was were he belonged.

This night made Ben feel like he’d been tortured over and over again. And the final blow struck Ben right in the heart when he saw James getting down on his knees. Ben understood right away what was happening, because a few years back, Ben did the exact same thing. He saw himself at James’ place, as his friend took the little red box from his pocket and opened it to show the beautiful ring that was inside.

Ben’s blood boiled when he saw the happy tears in your eyes and he wished to be deaf when you said those three letters that made his heart shatter. His knuckles quickly turned white because of how strongly he was holding the cutlery in his hands. He felt like throwing up when he saw you kiss him once again, but this time with the ring around your finger. Ben was dying to get out of here, but it would just make him look like a giant dick who didn’t care about his friend’s happiness and it would affect Ben2’s life. So he stayed and watched the scene, suffering in silence while he had to congratulate the happy couple.

“This is some messed up punishment from the universe because I was a dick who pushed away the love of my life” Ben angrily yelled out loud while slamming the door shut. He was well aware that no one could hear him but he still needed to let his feelings out. He threw his keys on the ground with such a rage that the impact could have made a hole on the ground. It was either the keys or his fist on the walls, thought punching the walls would make him feel way more better.

He angrily grabbed a pencil and wrote on the Y/N2 paper “engaged to someone else”. Just writing those words was a terrible act for Ben, but it wasn’t something he could ignore. He was trapped in this universe, not knowing how to go back and the love of his life wasn’t his anymore.

“How do I get back?” Ben mumbled to himself as he wrote this exact sentence on a new paper. He kept saying this, as he laid on the couch, closing his eyes to focus on this question. He thought about your last fight, the event that started it all and a few minutes, he got up like he had just been it by an illumination.

“That’s it!! I figured it out! I just need to make her love me again and I get back to acting! So I would be following the original timeline and I’ll be able to to back!” He explained to the dog that got into the room a few minute ago, attracted by all the noise Ben was making. Damn, he felt like he was losing his sanity, elaborating dumb and meaningless plans and explaining them to a dog he didn’t know.

The dog was tilting his head to the side, trying to understand the situation but he eventually barked and Ben took that as a positive answer. He was actually glad to have a pet partner, he knew he could rant, yell, cry and tell every doubts without being judged. Speaking of the dog, Ben realised he didn’t know his name and he didn’t noticed a collar around his neck.

“I’m renaming you Joe. It suits you” he said, getting down on one knee to put the dog’s head. “From now on Joe, you’re my confidant.” He said and the dog barked to answer.

Long and painful days had passed since that night, and Ben had made no progress in his desire to go back to his universe. He didn’t see you, didn’t talk to you, nothing. It was just long days at work and small walk in the park with the renamed dog. Adjusting to this life was really tiring and Ben found it harder to elaborate new plans, so his hopes were resting on the first plan he created.

But a surprise visit from his friend James boosted his confidence and gave him ideas.

“Ben, bro, I need your help” his friend told Ben before taking a mouthful of his beer.

“What for?” Ben replied, faking an interest.

“The wedding” Ben squeezed the bottle harder when he heard those words, but he quickly calmed himself to let his friend continue.

“Look, I already have the date for the wedding, the venue is reserved but we’ve got one problem. I need to go away for a few weeks because of work, I was wondering if you could help Y/N organize the wedding?” James asked, crossing his fingers to have a positive answer.

“Mate, I think you’ll have time to help her when you get back”

“The wedding is in two months” James admitted, and it made Ben spir the beer out of his mouth in surprise. “Yeah I know. It’s rushed” James laughed at Ben’s reaction. “But it has to happen for our anniversary, that’s the day we met”

“Wow, uh… Romantic” Ben replied with a fake smile, trying to ignore the feeling of his heart being slowly destroyed.

“I mean… You’re the only one I can trust with that. So, what do you say?” James asked, not noticing the strange behavior from his friend.

And this is how Ben ended up in this coffee place, with you sitting right in front of him with your hands full of wedding magazines and notebooks. He could notice that you were having trouble catching your breath and he couldn’t help but look at the drop of seat discreetly falling from your face because you had just ran to get here on time. One thing the two versions of you had in common, you hated to be late and you were reading to come all sweaty just to be right one time. Ben ordered for you before you came, he picked your favorite drink, well he hoped it still was your favorite in this confusing timeline.

“Sorry again for being late” you apologized once again before taking a sip of your drink. “And thank you for this, how did you know it was my favorite?” you asked, placing your drink on the table, to sort the magazines on the table.

“No worries! And uh… James filled me with some informations. It looks like we’ll be spending some time together, might as well know you better” Ben replied with a lie. Of course, lying was gonna be Ben’s daily routine because it was obvious he couldn’t tell anyone the truth; no one would believe him. The situation was a little bit awkward, no one was talking but you could feel Ben’s gaze on you.

“I thought you were an engineer, since when do you know how to plan a wedding?” You joked, breaking that awkward silence you couldn’t bear.

“Uh because James asked me to help while he’s away. Apparently, I know him better than any of our friends, so I’ll be able to make the right choices for him.” Ben was dying to yell that it was a stupid idea, but he didn’t want to scare you off right away.

“Oh.. That’s nice. I didn’t know you’d help me” You stuttered while browsing through a magazine, not looking at Ben because you weren’t sure of what his reaction would be.

“Why?” Ben asked surprised. Suddenly, a feeling of doubts rushed through his body: what if Ben2 was a jerk to Y/N2 and they didn’t like each other? What if this version of you was rude to Ben2? God, not knowing the complete life of Ben2 was a nightmare for Ben.

“Because we never really talked? I mean.. We both know that we went to high school together, but we never talked back then. The first time we spoke was when James introduced me to his mates in college. It’s too bad, we could have been friends before, instead of being just acquaintance because of a mutual friend.” You confessed, smiling at Ben.

Ben realised that in this universe, he never met you after school when you were studying. The coup de foudre never happened. He couldn’t help but wonder how Ben2 was like in high school, and how it ended for him since everything changed in Ben’s timeline as soon as he met you: you motivated him to get better grades, you helped him study and he helped you train for P.E classes. He wanted to ask you what you used to think of Ben2 back in high school, but he quickly brushed off this idea because you weren’t here for that. The two of you were here to talk wedding, your wedding with James.

“So… Should we get started?” Ben finally suggested and you nodded, unfolding the list of things to do.

Ben came home later this day, completely exhausted from looking at all those magazines. He did it before, and he honestly never thought he’d have to do it again with you but not for his own wedding. But from the few hours he spent with you, he sensed that you weren’t really that different from his original timeline, it was actually a good thing because planning that wedding would be easier because he knew what you’d like or don’t.

This wedding was always in Ben’s mind, whenever he was at work, he’d only think of the next time he’ll see you to pick the tables ornaments or the flowers. The hard part was to make his brain understand that it wasn’t his wedding and that he needed to be prepared to have his heart crushed if his plan doesn’t work, making him watch you marry someone else.

Sitting on his couch, he kept staring at the paper on the wall where he wrote his ultimate goal: “be an actor and win her back”. But the more he was looking at it, the more he felt like it was a dick move; he was trying to steal his friend’s girlfriend. He could explain it, “sorry mate, your girl has to love me so I can go back to my real life, knowing that I would have messed up 3 lives here. Ben2 will see you at rugby next week”. No, it would only make them think that Ben2 is crazy and the consequences could be terrible for ben2’s life.

“Ah Joe, life is not easy” Ben told the dog as he patted his head. “I woke up in someone else’s body, in someone else’s life. Life is hard and it’s making me pay for my mistakes. Trust me, if you have a dog girlfriend or a dog boyfriend- I won’t judge, don’t miss things up” Ben concluded and his felt his dog’s eyes being lost as Joe tilted his head to his side, wondering what Ben was saying.

Days passed and Ben kept meeting with you as much as they could, because James was still away. It might sounds rude, but Ben loved the fact that your fiancé wasn’t in the picture right now because he could spend time with you. He was torn between the feeling of destroying lives and the feeling of getting his life back; sometimes he was ready to risk it all and some other days he just wanted to let you happy with James.

But this time, after meeting you once again, he was ready to put his plan in action.

“Such a Dumb James move” You randomly blurred out, closing the notebook filled with notes and addresses. “Deciding for a wedding date way too soon and leaving me to deal with everything” you sighed, massaging your temple to ease the headache you got after calling dozens of flower shops.

“You have me” Ben replied, smiling, not realising you truly meant what you just said.

“I sometimes wonder if it was a good idea. A wedding” You words raised Ben’s attention and he was showing signs of confusion. “We were doing great before he proposed, but now? Since that night he’s across the world, he left his friend planning his wedding and this dumbass doesn’t even answer the phone” You barked, throwing a pen on the table. “Don’t tell him. Please. He doesn’t know I’m having second doubts.. This conversation needs to stay a secret for now”

“Why?” Ben asked confused. He couldn’t understand the fact that you wanted to keep your doubts away from your fiancé, especially since he was the problem here.

“He’d be so mad! He got it all planned, I mean… I heard he already bought a house for us, before he had to leave. He wanted it to be a surprise for our wedding but his mother told me by accident.” At this point, you couldn’t stop the tears from falling. You were slowly starting to freak out because you just got hit by the fact that everything was happening too fast and you may not be ready to get married. Of course, you’ve been with James for years, and it felt like the right thing to say yes when he proposed. But now, your body was just filled with doubts and you weren’t sure of anything anymore. “It’s just me questioning everything, it happens during a wedding preparation. Don’t worry” You tried to hide your true feelings by faking a laugh while you whipped away your tears. “I’m fine”

Ben saw right away that you were lying, it was something he could always read on your face when you were together. “Y/N, it’s stupid, just tell him how you really feel! If he truly loves you, he’ll understand and he’ll agree to push back the wedding” Ben suggested, but you shook your head no

“He’s not as understanding as you are… Sometimes I wonder if I truly love him...” You confessed, hating yourself for even feeling this. You were feeling awful for being unsure of your feelings after spending almost 10 years with James, and you knew that he’d never understand your situation.

“Don’t make the mistake of saying goodbye to your happiness for someone” Ben simply said before he left you in this coffee place, so you could have all the time you needed to think about what you were feeling. As he walked home, he was getting more and more determined to win you back; he saw that you weren’t fully happy in this relationship and this was the breach he needed to completely start his plan without feeling remorses.

You didn’t call Ben for a few days, you basically answer to nobody’s phone calls. When James finally decided to get back at you, you always ignored him, mostly because you wanted to make him feel forgotten just like he made you feel, but also because you didn’t know how to tell him that you were no longer sure of your feelings. And the fact that you started to spend more time with Ben made you see a better version of him, one that you couldn’t dislike.

Ben, on his side decided to pursue his plan. Every night, after work, he started looking for auditions. He knew he was a good actor, damn even an amazing actor full of talent, so it shouldn’t be too hard for him to see his acting career take a huge step and be back at what he loved; movies. It was pretty bold of him to show up like that without a proper agent and all, but he didn’t care, he was running out of time.

“Wish me luck, Joe. Your old boy Ben should be back if I succeed” Ben announced before leaving his apartment to go to his first audition.

After days of ghosting people, you finally decided to call Ben. Not to ask him to join you to help you pick a dumb wedding stuff, but to let him know that James will be back, and that you were ready to slow things down with him. Ben was surprised when he saw your name on his screen and he questioned himself a few seconds, whereas he should answer or not. He finally picked up his phone right before you hang up.

“Can you come?” you gently asked, trying to hide the relief in your voice that Ben answered.

“Sorry, I have an appointment” Ben replied right away, already beating himself for answering so coldly.

“To where?” You asked back “Sorry, didn’t want to be intrusive” You continued when you didn’t hear Ben say a word.

Ben walked from his kitchen back to his living room, still silent as he sat on his couch like the nervous wreck that he was. “That’s okay” it really was okay, Ben didn't mind telling you stuff, because that’s how it has always been. “It’s for an audition”

“A casting? Does it mean that our dear mr Ben has some acting skills that we didn’t know about?” You said, laughing and teasing Ben over the phone. When Ben heard you smile, he couldn’t stop the smile from appearing on his face. God, he loved that laugh.

“Yeah, to be honest, no one knows about it” Ben explained, but still holding back the real reason of why he made that choice.

“I’m honored to be the first to know! I truly am” You spoke softly on the phone, and Ben could barely hear you

“Yeah, I trust you with that secret information” He laughed and hearing his laugh warmed your heart. It has been so long since you had a random conversation that made your heart feel like that.

“W-Why?” you timidly asked, but still feeling honored that someone you only started to be friends with only a few weeks ago, was trusting you with that, when none of his friends knew about it.

“Because you trusted me before” he said in all honesty and even know he wasn’t in the same room as you, he knew you were blushing and smiling. “And also because we’re from the same school. Students solidarity” he added that part to bring a funny part to this truthful and emotional moment. And it worked, because at the other side of the phone, he heard you giggle softly. “Anyway, what did you wanted to talk to me about?” He asked, remembering why you called him in the first place.

“Maybe we can meet at our usual wedding planning spot aka the coffee place? Only when you finished your audition though” you suggested, not wanting Ben to feel force to come.

“Alright, I’ll text you when I’ll be out. But not too long, I’m not a famous actor yet, I still have to go to work, only took my morning off.” Ben added, which made you smile again

“Sure! And.. thank you Ben” You said before hanging up.

“I just need to make her happy again… And I know for a fact, she’s not happy with him, she doesn’t act like her true self! She’s hiding behind James, just like she did with me, and I cannot accept it this time. I’m the only one who knows the real her” Ben ranted at his only company; Joe. Ben couldn’t bear to see you unhappy in a relationship. You were both made for each other, and he’ll do anything to get you back and fix his mistakes, because he knows he’s the right man and that you belong together.

“Pushing back the wedding, uh?” Ben asked with a slight smirk. He joined you a few minutes ago and you told him the truth.

“Yeah… James was pissed off but he eventually agreed. Wasn’t easy though, but he said he was ready to wait” You explained, taking a bite of your food.

“Well, I’m happy for you” Ben lied as you showed a weak smile

“Yeah, it looks like your job with me is over. No need to have a rushed wedding anymore” you said faking a put. It felt right to spend time with Ben, you felt like you could be yourself all over again. You were completely overjoyed to discover a new Ben, and you wondered where he had been hiding this aspect of himself.

“What a bummer” He laughed to hide his fear of not being around you anymore. He wasn’t close to his goal but he was still on the good road. He still felt like a douchebag for making your couple break up, but he also knew that you deserved better than James.

“But we can still hang out as friends! Trust me, it’s better than meeting to talk about flowers. It must have been boring for you” You apologized, knowing that not all men like to help organizing weddings, especially weddings that aren’t theirs.

“No don’t worry. I can use some practice if I wanna get married someday” he said laughing a little. It was in fact hurting him, because he kept thinking about the months he spent planning his wedding back in his real life.

“Oh my god, and what a terrible friend I am! How was your audition?” You asked raising your voice, a sign that you were excited and happy to know about it.

Ben explained the process of the audition, the different roles he auditioned for over the weeks and you loved hearing about it. It was such an interesting topic and you were really glad Ben found his way there. He didn’t had a positive answer yet but you promised him that you believe in him and that someday his talent will be revealed to the world. He found this situation funny and it brought nostalgia in his mind, as a similar scene happened many years ago in his reality.

“Keep me updated! I wanna know if I’ll have a famous friend so I can show off” she joked sending Ben a wink and he chuckled at your action. You were both outside, saying goodbye as Ben was the one who ended this moment because he had to leave for work. His eyes were glued to your lips curved into a gorgeous smile, he saw your cheeks blushing and you gaze focused on him. He was battling against himself not to kiss you but you were the one who caved.

You hesitantly pressed your lips against his and you felt Ben smiling, reassured, you drowned your hands in his hair as he cupped your face in his hands. You knew it was wrong, but it felt so much like the right thing when Ben made the kiss more intense. You felt like the whole world stopped around you, and it was just the two of you with some butterflies in your stomach, something you haven’t felt in a long time.

Yet, you were still who pulled away. “I’m sorry” you simply said, twirling the ring James gave you before you left.

Ben stayed without moving, watching you leave. Remembering what just happened put a vibrant smile on his face and he felt his own cheeks blushing. For a minute, he thought that everything was fixed and now that you kissed, he would go to sleep and wake up in the right universe. But then he thought about your apology and it confused him. Did you regret it? It sure felt like you wanted that kiss as much as him, hell, you’re the one who kissed him. But maybe everything wasn’t as good as Ben expected and maybe you weren’t falling in love with him.

But he brushed those thoughts away as he walked back to his workplace. Work wasn’t the best place where he could get lost in his thoughts and in his doubts; he needed to focus if he didn’t want to mess up Ben2’s job as well as his friendship with James.

He was excited to get home, and when he did, he went straight to bed, hoping to fall asleep right away and wake up in his bed next to you. But for you, it was a complete contrast, you spent the night wide awake, looking at your engagement ring and at your fiancé that was peacefully asleep. You kept thinking about that kiss with Ben and how good you felt and it only made you rethink all of your latest decisions once again, sleep was nowhere to be found and you only wished for the sun to rise so you could go to work and put your mind somewhere else.

Ben woke up with his alarm, his eyes opened in an hurry and they closed as soon as he realised that nothing changed. He grabbed the pillow next to him and crashed it against his face to muffle his loud groans. Maybe it didn’t work because you weren’t in love with him? Maybe there was actually no way out of this? Questions were filling his brain but he still decided to stick to his plan. Maybe you weren’t the problem, maybe it’s because he wasn’t an actor yet. Joe joined him in bed and started barking and licking Ben, trying to send him the message that he was hungry and needed some food. Ben’s mind was so focused on you that he forgot the poor dog, loyal friend to Ben2. “Sorry buddy, you’re stuck with me again” he chuckled, perfectly knowing that this poor dog didn’t notice the difference.

Since that kiss, you tried to avoid Ben but you couldn’t stop the weird grimaces on your face every time James mentioned Ben, you almost choke on water pretty often and it made it harder for you to hide your guilt. Tonight was the worse night for you to have the talk with James, it was your anniversary, but you couldn’t live like that anymore.

“What’s wrong, love?” James asked, gently putting his hands on yours, to show you that he was here for you.

“We need to talk” you announced coldly, giving him a sorry look.

Ben was waiting for an important phone call, he went to a lot of castings and today he would finally have an answer for one of them. He was stressed but excited to see if he got the part. His whole plan was based on this and he couldn’t handle the failure. When he heard his ringtone he didn’t bother looking at the name on the screen and he pick up right away

“Hello?” he asked almost out of breath. He was hoping for the usual speech from the casting director but no sound came out on the other side. He only heard what looked to be someone sobbing and he knew right away who was calling him. “Y/N?” he gently asked.

“We fought all night” you blurred out between sobs and Ben sighed.

“Where do you want to meet?” Ben offered, ready to be the shoulder you could cry on. Well if he was completely honest, he was glad this happened because he was one step closer to his goal.

“Thank you…” You muttered before Ben sent you his address so you could come.

It only took you a few minutes for you to get there. To be quite honest, Ben has been waiting behind his front door ever since you hung up and he almost had a heart attack when he heard the doorbell. He didn’t forget to take away everything he put on the wall that was related to you and his plan. When you got inside, he welcomed you with a warm hug and he walked you to the living room where he put some snacks and hot tea on the table, with a few boxes of tissues. You thanked him for the gesture and he was quite proud of himself. The fact that he knew you by heart made it easier for him to prepare everything you needed to feel better. After long minutes of being silent, you noticed that Ben’s eyes were glued to your fingers, and you realised that he saw that the engagement ring was missing.

“I broke up with him this morning” you dropped this information before taking a sip of the tea. Ben’s eyes widened and he tried his best to hide the smile on his face. “He kept being angry at me because I wasn’t ready to get married, he brought that back again and again and I got tired of that. Yesterday we fought because I said I wasn’t sure of my feelings. It lasted all night- didn’t know I could yell at someone for hours” You were just speaking without stopping, you needed to tell Ben everything and how it all happened, and he just listened, not saying anything. “I think at some point I threw the ring at him? And I said we were over”

“Shit, Y/N, I’m so sorry. I kinda feel like it’s my fault” Ben apologized, feeling a little guilty.

“Don’t be” You said smiling, something you didn’t do in a few hours. “You were right, I didn’t want to marry him in the first place. I felt like I owned him something -because he loved me when no one else did, so I kept telling myself that I love him, that I wanted him when I wasn’t feeling anything anymore. I’m not gonna lie, I was putting his needs and happiness first, even if it means making me unhappy for the rest of my life. And he didn’t understand that and he just blamed me for not making this work. He completely ignored and erased the fact that I tried to make it work, for years. Well at least I saw his real face, an egoist jerk” You concluded feeling free of this dead weight that was James. But you didn’t mention to Ben that he was one of the reason why you decided to break up.

You were glad that you became closer to Ben, he made you realise something you tried to bury and he was doing his best to make you happy. You spent a few more hours with him just watching tv, he was careful not to start any subject of conversation that would make you cry and even though he tried to hide it, you knew he ignored James’ calls.

After you left, Ben put all the papers back on his wall and he kept staring at the big letters on one of the papers. “Ben’s mission: make y/n have a happy life with her dream job and a loving boyfriend”. He didn’t care about the consequences now, especially since you broke up with James; he could make you fall in love, and that would make him go back to his real life.

You announcing that you broke things off with James was just the beginning of the ending; later that day, Ben got the call he was expecting. After many auditions, he was offered a job in a promising movie. They praised him for his talent, wondering where he had been hiding for so long and Ben just felt unstoppable now.

Ben and you started to spend more and more time together, and as he started feeling that his succeeded, that he was gonna get his real life back, he realised how wrong it was. You were falling in love with him and Ben was just gonna disappear to let Ben2 come back to a life where you were in love with him while he might not be. It would just make everything worse and after spending hours thinking this through, he decided to stop trying getting his old life back. Mostly because he realised you weren’t happy in his real life, not as much as you are in this universe. And as painful as it was, Ben was ready to let go of his friends, of his acting career to put your happiness first. And to be completely honest, he didn’t hate this life, he loved his job, he loved playing rugby and seeing his friends more but most importantly, he loved seeing you happy.

He knew that by letting his old life go, he was making the right choice because he knew he’d never hurt you like he did. He used to be so unconsciously selfish, putting his needs first, not bothering to keep the love between you two, but now it was over. He had the chance to start over, a chance to put your happiness first and that’s what he did, by staying in this universe where she fell in love a second time. So he decided to turn down the acting job he was offered, because he knew that it was what made him turn away from you and he accepted leaving in this universe, as long as it was by your side.

“Why did you say no? You worked so much on this!” You asked a little bit disappointed in Ben’s decision. You believed in him and you knew he’d be a great actor.

“Because I made that mistake once, Y/N. If I do this, I’ll lose something that is way more important that the spotlight, I’ll lose the love of my life all over again, and trust me, I don’t want to be stuck in this nightmare again” Ben declared, taking your hands in his and holding them tighter. You opened your mouth to say something but no sound came out because confusion took control of everything. “Y/N, you are the love of my life” Ben confessed and you first instinct was to crash your lips against his.

The universe was giving a new chance to Ben but he didn’t understand it first; he thought it could use this opportunity to go back to his life, to retrieve what he used to have but he was wrong; the universe was giving him this chance so he could start a new life, by learning from his mistake.

“What’s wrong, Ben?” You asked your boyfriend as he watched you from the other side of the room.

“Nothing, I just love looking at you” He said with a soft smile.

#ben hardy #ben hardy x reader #ben hardy imagines #ben hardy imagine #ben hardy one shot #ben hardy fanfic #w*#*

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