#idk i just feel so much dread im so fucking stressed out

[magnoliamyrrh]

.

[29121996]

.

[rowretro]

𝕊𝕠𝕣𝕣𝕪

♡taglist: @firstclassjaylee @laurradoesloveu

♡Warnings: slapping, idk what else.

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✧CHAPTER 1✧

Saturday morning, 11am. Rowan was still deep asleep lost in her strange dreamland. She never wasted her mornings waking up early like a positive healthy person who studies at 6am and gets on her parents good side. She simply can't. Why waste the only 2 days you get to sleep and take a peaceful break on being productive?

Compared to the 5 days she wakes up early, zooming around to freshen up, doing her makeup and going to school, especially these recent days as exams are nearing, and the stress starts taking a toll on her feeble state. 

That's right, exam season, the season I must say all students dread it's insane how a paper of useless questions that won't even be helpful in the future, can cause her to cry, lash out at her laptop every time it takes a while to load, and cause her to lose weight at an unhealthy cost. 

She wasn't going to wake herself up the one time she was sleeping soundly when all these nights she spent cramming and revising, highlighting notes, and trying to solve confuzzling formulas. She preferred her zombie apocalypse dream, where she was eating marshmallows in a rundown building's attic.

"Row! it's 11:47 get your ass up!" Jungwon yelled, no answer "Rowan. You'll have plenty of time to sleep later- we need to go to the mall" Jungwon reasoned as he softly opened the door, peeking in, hoping he's not walking in on anything awkward. To his luck she was buried under her thick duvet, snuggled up against another pillow, and sound asleep.

There's only one way to get her to wake up and come downstairs, all dressed and ready to go outside. "Row- get your fucking ass up now! Heeseung is waking up!"Jungwon finally said as he shut the door of her room, grinning mischievously as he heard her get up, rushing about here and there.

. . .

"I'm ready let's go-" Rowan froze mid sentence as she saw Heeseung sitting on the sofa, Newspaper at hand, Steaming hot tea, in the delicate, expensive teacup on the table before him. He eyed her up and down, eyebrows scrunched at the centre, s if scrutinizing her look.

Hee tended to be pretty protective, of course he was all for her style and love for fashion, but sometimes, all he could see was his little baby sister. Row bit her lip, nervous, hoping she didn't have to change. she was wearing a pretty tight pink top, flounce sleeves with a nice white ribbon in the centre, a rather ballet core top, with a short white skirt to match.

"Where are you off to?" he asked coldly, eyes piercing into her as he studied her makeup, not too natural, heavy on the eyes, visible manga lashes, so definitely not a date. "Jungwon, and I have to buy a few things at the mall-" she said as she turned to Jungwon who just grabbed his car keys. 

Heeseung nodded as he turned to Jungwon "Alright. take care, be back by 6 Won, we have a meeting at 6:30." Heeseung simply said as Jungwon smiled saying ok as he led Rowan out the door.

. . .

Sunghoon hummed to himself as he dried his hair, white t shirt somewhat sticking to his abs, and a nice dark denim pair of jeans that suited his stature very well, practically everything suits him. He smiled to himself as he sprayed a crazy amount of deodorant around himself. 

"ma im heading out with the boys ill be back very late don't know when so don't worry about me ok?" he said as he was about to walk out the building "Why would I worry about you?! im more worried about your sister." she said as Sunghoon playfully pouted "Favouritism much.... "

"No it's not like that... Sunghoon your sister's been getting bullied the past week... since she's joined high school, it's one of those things I was worried about... can't you go ask her what's wrong? like I don't know solve her little issue?" She asked as Sunghoon groaned.

He didn't defy. He couldn't, he'd feel guilty anytime he didn't do something his mother wanted, she wasn't strict or anything, just... she's his mom after all.  "Oi. tell me who he or she or they is." Sunghoon said as he sat beside his sister. Siyeon frowned, taking off her ear piece, as she folded the page.

"Why do you suddenly care?" she asked as Sunghoon shrugged "You're my sister- and I have the power to scare people so just tell me-" he said as the girl rolled her eyes "Fine... her name's Leiko, she's in a few classes above me and she thinks im going after her man- whoever he is... she often wears pink and hangs out at the Hera mall on Saturdays-" She added, waving around some cash as Sunghoon narrowed his eyes.

"give me a description and your problem will be solved within seconds. That girl won't even look in your direction my dear sister~" Sunghoon said with a smile as Siyeon smirked "Black hair, around 5'2 or something, she's probably wearing pink, and she'll most definitely stand out in a crowd." she said as Sunghoon rushed off.

. . .

"You wait here- I'm going to head to the men's room quickly kay?" Jungwon said as Rowan nodded. She stood by a bench, smiling as she admired her newly done nails. The school wasn't too keen on makeup and nails, but her brother's Heeseung so the teachers don't care. Row softly flicked the dangling heart charm on her nail as she could see a dark-haired, charming male heading her way.

She's seen plenty pretty boys before, never one this pretty. Dark, perfect eyes, perfect jawline, plump pink lips, and a very pretty nose, a few moles here and there. Then she realized he was actually heading in her direction. Stopping right before her, his glare piercing, as she froze in her spot.

Just like that. One hard, stinging slap around her face, his big watch making it all the more painful. Sunghoon didn't even have the slap planned when he was going to threaten the said girl... he just felt so... mad. The girl stumbled back, her heels not having mercy on her balance. 

"Come near my sister again and I swear you'll never see the end of this." Sunghoon said as Rowan gasped, annoyed, mad, confused. Before she could even ask, the male had already walked off. Who's sister? why? what did she do? What the fuck? "Fuck Row- your face... who the fuck did this to you?" Jungwon asked, noticing the reddened mark on her face "Let's just go home..." she said, exhausted.

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𝕊𝕠𝕣𝕣𝕪

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[fireflyinks]

needy ☆

draco malfoy x reader angst/smut

a/n : OMG IM SO PROUD OF THIS. i hope y’all like it as much as i do because i loved writing it.

contains : p in v, fingering, use of y/n (literally just once), draco’s kind of a death eater idk if this counts though, praise, cursing

summary : makeup sex 🫡

Mature Content 18+

He wants to get a reaction out of me.

Draco Malfoy was known for his cruelty. Mean was his middle name. His scowls and arrogance proved this time and time again, and yet he seemed to be a different person around me. A kind, gentle, loving person. Until I make him angry.

Sitting on the common room couch, I watched as Draco felt up some slutty Slytherin girl, who wore a green dress two sizes too small.

The common room was decorated beautifully. Christmas was days away, and the scenery showed it. Holly was placed on almost every surface, along with a ginormous tree in the corner of the room. And yet, all I could seem to look at was Draco.

At first, I wanted to be angry. But that was just the reaction he wanted. I felt tears begin to form at my waterline, but that would’ve also given him satisfaction.

So I sat, and I watched. Ever so often, Draco would make eye contact with me, and smirk. God, I’ve never seen such an evil smirk in all of my days. He was enjoying this, Draco enjoyed making me miserable.

I stood up from the couch, smoothed my silky ivory colored dress with my hands, and went up to my dorm gracefully.

—

As my mother kissed me goodbye, I dreaded stepping onto the Hogwarts Express. I dreaded seeing him.

Draco and I hadn’t spoken in two weeks, the longest we’d ever gone without eachother. I couldn’t believe that he hadn’t reached out to me. Looking back, our argument before the party wasn’t even my fault. All I asked was why he had been skipping classes, and he went berserk. ‘That’s what you get when you worry about someone’ I thought.

I sat with a couple of friends on the train, trying my best to avoid Draco. Luckily, Pansy’s story about the boy she met at a dinner party she’d attended was interesting enough to distract me.

The first few days were casual, I manage to not come into close contact with Draco at all. But like clockwork, we were assigned a potions project together.

I pleaded with Snape, begging him to reconsider, but he refused.

That night, I couldn’t sleep. I had too much on my mind. Sneaking down to the common room, I froze when I saw Draco, sitting on the couch while reading.

I began to quickly leave, until I heard his voice call out to me.

“Wait, don’t go.”

Sighing, I turned to face him. His expression was one I’d never seen on him before.

Needy.

“What do you want, Draco?” I asked, annoyed.

He got up from his place on the couch, walking over to me.

“I need to talk to you. And I need you to listen.”

I thought for a moment. Why should I? He made it very clear what he thought about me and our relationship.

“Why don’t you go talk to that girl you were feeling up?” I couldn’t help it, I had the right to at least one snarking comment.

Draco shook his head, “I don’t even remember her name.”

I rolled my eyes, “What do you want to talk about.”

He gulped, beginning to roll his sleeve up slowly. My eyes almost bulged out of my head when I saw it.

“What the fuck?”

The dark mark.

It felt as if I couldn’t breath. How could he throw everything away like this?

“Draco, why?” I sobbed out, tears running down my cheeks.

“It wasn’t my choice, n/n. I had to.”

Not thinking, I threw my arms around him. All of the pent up anger I felt towards him was gone.

“I’m sorry about that night. I was so hurt and stressed out, I wasn’t thinking. That’s not a good excuse though.”

I shook my head, “Don’t worry about it, that’s the least of my concerns at the moment.” I looked up into his eyes, tracing the death mark on his arm with my finger. “What’s going to happen?”

“I don’t know. But I want to enjoy the little freedom I have left. I want to enjoy it with you.”

Before I knew it, Draco’s lips were on mine.

He mouthed moved slower than usual, which surprised me. Draco was not the type to take it slow. No, he was the opposite. And yet here we were, our mouths moving dangerously slow.

“Dray-“ I spoke through the kiss, earning a ‘hm?’ from him.

“I need you.” I said shakily. He placed a hand on the back of my neck, pushing me closer to him.

“Then have me.”

We made our way over to the couch, and Draco sat as I straddled his lap. We continued to kiss, though it got more sloppy as time went on.

“God, I miss this.” Draco said as he removed my shirt. “Nobody has ever been as good to me as you are.”

I blushed, feeling his hands on my chest. He massaged my tits, until he eventually attached his mouth to one of them. I moaned, throwing my head back.

“You like that?” He asked, earning an eager nod from my head.

His hands found my waist band, pulling off the sweats I’d been wearing. He rubbed my core through my panties, causing me to buck my hips.

“You’re so needy for me, princess.”

Pushing my panties to the side, he slipped one finger in, stroking my walls again and again.

“Fuck~ Draco, I need your cock.”

The smirk on his face said it all. “Hm? What was that? What did you say?”

“I need your cock!” I said a bit louder.

Draco shook his head. “There she is. There’s my dirty girl.”

Pulling his trousers down, Draco crawled on top of me. He kissed my neck as he grinded his bulge onto my heat.

Satisfied with my responsive whines, he released his cock and slowly pushed inside of me.

My eyes rolled back as he filled me to the brim, quickly beginning to thrust in and out of me.

“Draco~ God you fill me up so good.”

He groaned, placing a kiss on my forehead. “If you keep talking like that, princess, I won’t be able to last much longer.”

His pace became ruthless quickly. Sounds of slaps skin filled the room and I’m sure someone could probably hear us. But did I care? Fuck no.

There was something about the way he looked at me in these moments. So lustfully. I could see in his eyes that he was scared. Scared of losing me, scared of losing himself. I had to be there for him, whether I liked it or not.

“I’m so close, Dray.” I moaned breathlessly.

Draco nodded, “Me too, love. Go ahead, come on my cock.”

With my newfound permission, a coil seemed to snap inside of me, and I released as he continued to thrust inside of me. The feeling was devine.

His lips found mine and he came inside of me not long after. His thrusts continued, though they were shaky and sloppy.

“I love you so so so much Y/n.”

I panted, digging my nails into his back, “I love you too.”

Afterwards, he took me up to his dorm, and gave me one of his shirts to wear to sleep. We washed up, before cuddling. I tried my best to get some sleep, though I couldn’t help but stare at the dark mark on his forearm for hours.

[robotsrawesome64]

Idk if your still accepting match ups for COD but here you go.

I’m a Gemini, ENFJ, trans Masc, He/Him, I’m a bit mouthy with a lot of different hobbies. I cuss a lot and pick at the skin around my thumbs as a nervous habit. I have a hard time opening up to people and tend to flinch when I get touched by someone for the first time. But once I do get friendly with you I tend to make more sexual jokes and crasser humor.

I wear glasses and usually long pants with sweater or tank tops with open button ups.

I’m Aromantic but Allosexual which means I have a hard time forming romantic attachment with people, but I wouldn’t find physical intimacy or affection.

I’m a cuddler, I love blankets and stuffed animals. I like music and writing. My favorite animal is a bunny.

I love cooking for people and others. So in the COD universe I would probably be just a civilian who works at a restaurant or something.

I’m fine with light angst and I prefer someone from task force 141.

Thank you so much for this!

S-S-S-S-SIMON

TWS: Implication of abusive home life, physical abuse scar, anxiety, picking, smoking(tobacco and weed), light drinking, aro dread (worry of being romantically liked), work stress (+reader shouts in kitchen), customer service, anger for shitty higher up, sudden snappy rejection to joke-brief mention, momentary disassociation+heat descriptive, gossip mention, momentary suggestiveness, depressivey thinking (PURP=SIMON) + Cuddly/platonic touchy Simon, aro4aro, hope this is ok and doesn't read too romantic, was thinking close squish vibes 😭💕 (im slowly learning; education welcome) Realistically sexual attraction would probz be a huge part but I cannae write it so feel free to mind blast the gaps

₊ ⊹₍ᐢᐢ₎ Young adult Simon begrudgingly picking up a kitchen porter job. A role in your kitchen- well, as far as anybody was concerned. You'd been promoted to sous chef fast in this crappy bar/restaurant hybrid joint, which would be surprising if not for the paint peeling off the walls and constant inconsistencies of management.

Such as: yet again, you are left understaffed on a peak day and YOU had to lead ship because your shitass head chef didn't show up. Whoop de doo. What's more, you're tasked with training the fucking new guy, who- when you first had to come find him- seemed to have an attitude with an entitled cocky sway and his hands in his pockets. But that wasn't important right now; you had shit to prep and fast.

₊ ⊹₍ᐢᐢ₎ Safe to say the day was a blur. You muttering rushedly and guiding him in and around, barely getting a chance to meet him and take the sight of him in; just cringing as you try to squeeze past the big guy without touching, to and from your station.

The most you got was your anxious glances over your shoulder to check everything was running; that he was doing his job. A flash of his tatted arm flexing to press down the pass-through dish washer, suggesting the patchy art went up further when his crusty spare uniform's sleeve would move slightly in the motion. Oh, uh- good for him. Focus up.

What you hadn't gotten the space to witness was how Simon's personal too-good-for-this ambiance had quickly flattened into his tall frame curling over the sinks uncomfortably. His head down, diligent and thorough, only daring to give you morbidly interested side-glances when you weren't looking. He was otherwise very tuned in to the sound of you barking arguably obscenely worded orders at the junior chefs, daze only broken when one was suddenly directed at him- in which he whipped his head up to obey with a croaked out "Yes, chef."

Which made you double-take; this wasn't that kinda snooty establishment. He almost made your stressed scowl turn to a laugh from the shock, but no, he seemed dead serious as he effectively completed your request.

₊ ⊹₍ᐢᐢ₎ Before you knew it you had survived the reckoning of unprecedented big tables and last-minute front-of-house promised function food, leaving your eyes glazed in the direction of the finally unmoving ticket machine after allowing your chefs break. The uncomfortable wet trickle down the back of your neck expanded your awareness back into your body: the warm flush from the kitchen's humidity; the sore realization of your fingers on your thumb; the..gaze on the back of you? Sure enough, Simon 'casually' turned his head back around to totally (/s) focus on his piled-up workload. The hums of machinery, radio and distant chatter all seemed tensely faint in the silence of you two mandatorily alone.

₊ ⊹₍ᐢᐢ₎ But hey, he definitely wasn't so bad. His gloomy, blunt countenance entertaining no-one (except maybe you, and a couple front-of-house girlies) when he barely bothered to stay after work for group drinks, etcetera. Don't get me wrong, he certainly had his own dry spark, but more often than not he'd seem to small-talk folks into a corner so he could back out and leave (especially with the girls). Sigh. Destined to never bond with the weird dude on a night out.

₊ ⊹₍ᐢᐢ₎ Or so that was your estimate, until mid adrenaline-filled panic from a work mistake, you see him over there reservedly wiggling to your music from the kitchen speaker as he worked. Or the first time he talked back to you in the kitchen, loud deadpan delivery as he teased you (to your co-workers' bafflement)- which just resulted in a loop of increasingly sweary quarreling, to Simon's probably-shouldn't-be growing smile to himself.

Thankfully, despite his words, he didn't fuck around. You could trust him with his role plenty fine. Or just trust him at work in general.

₊ ⊹₍ᐢᐢ₎ When your head chef finally decided to clock in and had the nerve to start talking you out on this and that- oh my god. You did your best, but come break your hand was already exasperatedly dragging across your face as you walked to your spot. Simon roughly there too, mid smoke. Probably due back soon.

He nodded up in recognition, letting you settle before potentially opening the floodgates.

"He's a twat."

If you wanted to just sit, he'd sit. Plenty same if you needed to talk, allowing you good, deep time to vent whilst ad-libbing in agreement at your head's absolute expense.

None would go unnoticed, nor the way how your nails kinda fucked up your thumb as you spoke. It's not like he'd be on your ass about picking, just...details. Conclusively, your strife had successfully absorbed over to him, and now he was just bubbling in sympathetic frustration at the unfairness at his teammates energy being wholly undermined, disrespected and taken.

One thing was sure, full seriousness, if you wanted to go to HR/etc. about it, he'd absolutely have your back.

₊ ⊹₍ᐢᐢ₎ Second thing: the next day when he clocked in, he pulled something fluffy out his bag. What's tha- aww. A fuzzy little plush white rabbit, how cute is that? Conveniently pocket size. You tease him, because that didn't usually seem to be his style, before he's casually plopped it in your hands.

How did he..? I guess a lot of public conversations happen on the clock, and that he was listening to yours.

It was..nice..but..? It wasn't a nice feeling in your stomach, anxiously fiddling with Pocket Bunny instead with an thousand yard stare as you processed your emotions. You liked him, definitely, but the thoughtful gesture planted that worry that he was romantically interested. To say the least, it's always such a headache feeling forced to put out a 'disclaimer' on your existence. Co-worker gossip wasn't helping.

₊ ⊹₍ᐢᐢ₎ So, you were brave. The pit in your gut uncomfortably hollowing further when he enthusiastically agreed to join for after-work drinks (because you asked), something he still barely does.

What seemed like excruciating filler time later, you're finally mostly alone, squeezed into some semi-sticky booth-table-thing. Simon leant over to you, squinting through the erratic dim, dark purple lights and shouting conversation over rumbly generic club music with his other hand on his drink.

Eventually you blurt out back the topic of your worries. Kind of. Not exactly confessing, but making the questions of orientation inescapable. Your heart just pounds faster when he pronounces back a, "WHAT?", leaning closer, 'cause he can't hear for shit in here- making you double down and repeat yourself until he's looking at you a little dumbfounded. How the dancing lights reflected pure off his wide dark ones was stressful until he burst out into a ramble, that piece by piece, seemed to resemble your own thoughts. Like a description for aromanticism by someone who didn't know the term. Your tension relievedly, gradually breaking and melting off. Adrenaline, however, still there as you bounce back in educational agreement.

It was like a weight had been lifted, truly. For him too apparently. The hypocrisy of the head chef being back wasn't as bad as previously thought if it meant more time slacking off with him. Sarcastic, bawdy back-and-forths in the kitchen that actually got him to crack into a proper chuckle (and got you both told off). Just shit that shouldn't be said that Simon was unblinking at, just returning that attentive amused look that got you through the day.

₊ ⊹₍ᐢᐢ₎ So much so that Simon actually picked up more shifts. Something he was hesitant about from the workplace itself, but he needed the money, and being out the house was very welcome and having a friendly face there made it not-so-bad.

₊ ⊹₍ᐢᐢ₎ Or-finally- someone to side-eye at their peers and heads weird shit. Better yet to back you up, when Simon spoke out for you a couple of times. Someone to babble, pace and rant to outside in their own little break spot whilst he smoked.

₊ ⊹₍ᐢᐢ₎ More shifts meant seeing each-other more, all of them. So when you eventually crack, from just life in general, or the last straw from the kitchen, he'd meet with you as soon as he could, offering a presence, a hug.. anything you want.

₊ ⊹₍ᐢᐢ₎ His hugs are really fucking good. Cozy as hell. You can bury your face in the crook of his neck or his chest and he wouldn't flinch, just hugging you tighter, patting your head and stroking it. He's warm. Especially if it's after work and he's wearing that black thick hoodie he always does- omigod it's so soft. Well, not the most expensive fabric ever, but his presence makes it comfortable. Plus a lil' kiss on the top of your head if that's your thing.

₊ ⊹₍ᐢᐢ₎ If that's something you both fall into, he jumps at the opportunity; touch-starved as fuck.

Leaning arms crossed over the bar to hover next to you, lurking over you; hugging your waist while he's waiting to go post-close; holding your waist for a sec to brush past you in the kitchen. From what was meant to be a simple break and hug, one time they found you straight-up conked out laying in the drystore in eachothers arms.

₊ ⊹₍ᐢᐢ₎ He always waits for you until you're ready to leave together. Which might mean Simon with his hands in his pockets, having to sneakily get probed for the nature of your relationship by gossip-ier coworkers. To which he shrugs and deflects something or other. It wasn't any of their business (nor was he sure). Boys will be boys, they guess.

₊ ⊹₍ᐢᐢ₎ But yeah. In pitch black night, almost every night, he escorts you home if you let him. Holding hands if you want. Sometimes smoking a joint. A stupidly lengthy journey (for him) to your doorstep and back to his, whether you drive, do public transport or whatever. He disguised it as casual good companionship. He didn't want to be creepy, its just.. that flicker of reluctance in his eyes when you got to your destination gave you the impression he was purposefully putting off having to face his home.

₊ ⊹₍ᐢᐢ₎ Days pass. Weeks become months. New people rotating in and out of the team. The days get longer, welcome spring breeze stilling to more humid heatwaves. But he's always there.

₊ ⊹₍ᐢᐢ₎ One new thing about Simon: he was off sick for a few weeks, and now he's back. But he's almost always wearing a surgical mask? He didn't seem sick anymore, I mean..maybe a little more mellow, then snappy, not as into your banter as usual.

₊ ⊹₍ᐢᐢ₎ So one night he's walking you back, sweating through that dumb mask- which he switched out to a black one he keeps using- you invite him in. Sleepover, or something?

He's surprised maybe, but after using the last of his energy for a subdued cautious sweep of the place, he's exhausted. He double-bounces backwards back on your bed, still adjusting his mask back up from the movement, looking up to find an adorable welcome menagerie of stuffed animals.

It almost makes him smile. First proper one in a while as he looks over to you and takes in the sight of your room, hand subconsciously stretching out to reach for your knee and rub circles. Oh, and to snatch that little bunny out of your pocket, hugging it to him instead with a smirk. Bonus points if he pisses you off.

With the blankets soft against his head and side, he got an idea. Unraveling them, gesturing you closer to properly wrap you in his arms and nuzzle down into the cozy bed situation. With bunny, him and the whole gang. Maybe you could go to sleep like this. But, come on, surely without the mask-?

He caught your wrist at even an indication of the thought of it, gently holding it back down against his chest. From your close proximity you could finally see the beginnings of a big healing scar at the the top of his cheek where the mask moved slightly in his vague refusal. Ah.

₊ ⊹₍ᐢᐢ₎ There was a lot of unkind things in this world, but Simon was not. (Uh, to you at least.) You could only give his hand a reassuring squeeze in the hopes that life would lighten for you both. And if not? At least you'd always have each-others back.

B-B-B-BONUS ROUND:

Steals your glasses and looks stupid in them.

Performs elaborate yet half-hearted puppet shows with your stuffed toys.

Periodically asks what you're writing now, squinting over your shoulder. His tones dry but he needs to be updated of the drama, damn it.

Exchanges the most would-be-an-eyeroll sideye of solidarity over at you when he seems to get flirted with romantically. Or fems in general. They just don't seem to get the hint.

Subtly acts like a space-making service dog for you in crowded places or if it looks like someone's gonna touch you.

photo cred~ @yumethefrostypanda

[mrspotatoheads]

Electra everybody is like get back in state just assume. You are all you need. You just need to persist .I get it. I understand but idk how to put in words and make someone understand that it's so difficult. I can't do it idk how to assume and how to do all this. Ik these methods to be used and 3d isn't real etc. But I can't do it I want something I can't assume it's mine and then not get sad when it isn't happening and then also making sure I don't loose the faith that loa isn't a lie that I'm reading. It's not happening. I want it but there is a breaking point where I'm seeing the loml with someone else and me persisting is getting me no where. Plz don't hate me I just don't know how to express what I'm feeling rn I don't know what to do I'm so stuck

This is going to be a long reply, but I hope you can understand what I’m saying, reread this multiple times if you have to.

I do understand that it’s difficult, I struggled with loa for nearly three years straight. I knew exactly what I needed to do but like you said I just couldn’t assume. Im going to be honest, there isn’t any magical advice, one day it just clicked, I realised that I was the only person holding me back and I understood what loa truly meant. Every person has control over their thoughts, I understand that people have mental disorders etc. but you still have control over how you’re going to react to a certain thought that has popped into your brain. I used to think I didn’t have control over myself because I was getting negative thoughts left right and center but that doesn’t matter.

Don’t purposely go out of your way to check the 3D if you know you’re going to spiral, don’t spiral and go down a rabbit hole of terrible thoughts when you get one negative one. You need to discipline yourself, which is hard for a lot of people, but you can’t just give up when you do something “wrong”. If you spiral don’t tell yourself you’ve fucked all of it up, think in your favour, maybe even tell yourself every time you spiral you’re closer to getting your desire.

Also, don’t be doing every method under the sun just because it worked for someone else. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself to get this and that right now, time isn’t linear. If the dates pasted when you wanted a certain thing to happen continue to assume it did happen, revise, or even manifest that you go back in time and then you can experience it happen. Anything is possible. Spend some time with yourself and even forget you’re trying to manifest, try a couple methods and see which one makes you feel the best and stick to it. I used to like certain methods but wouldn’t do them because people had more success stories with other methods, so I’d do the other methods and I would dread doing them everyday. Manifesting is supposed to be fun, you shouldn’t be stressing out, of course it’s okay to get your emotions out but you shouldn’t be putting yourself through unnecessary stress just go get the things you want in this life.

I’m sure you’ve already been told to “go back to the basics” many times but I’m also going to tell you that. Assume you have it and persist in that assumption. That is as simple as the law gets. Now, you said you were struggling with assuming. We assume all the time, we all do it, this is what creates our reality and our circumstances. Assuming isn’t the problem, it’s persisting. You’re saying that persisting is getting you no where. That is your problem. You’re not truly persisting. If you were persisting you wouldn’t have even typed out this ask to begin with. You don’t have to persist 24/7, I get that there’s going to be times where you do spiral but I’ve already spoke about that. This is what i said in a previous ask which might be useful: Every time you stop persisting and are about to go back to the old story I want you to stop yourself and ask yourself “do I want this?” Because I know damn well you don’t want what’s going on right now. So go back to persisting, you don’t have to do it all the time but go back into the state as much as possible.

Every single one of us is capable of manifesting, we do it all the time, every single one of us is also capable of manifesting the good and the bad. Not a single person is an exception to this. You have become a victim to your own reality, and I’m not shaming you for that at all because I have been there. You need to have the will power and the discipline to get you out of the cycle and mindset that you are in currently, but you can do it. I know that after this you are most likely going to stay on Tumblr and continue to consume a load of loa content waiting for something to click in your brain, but I’m going to be honest, it’s most likely not going to happen. This isn’t something that no loa blogger or post can fix, this is up to you. You know exactly what you have to do, so do it.

I’m literally begging you to get off Tumblr, stop consuming any loa content and just try to assume and persist and do what feels best for you. Everytime you do any method or are persisting I don’t want you to be thinking “how long will this take?” “I wonder if it’s working?” Etc. Etc. That isn’t persisting, it’s not helping you at all. This is your reality, you’re the only one in control so it’s about time you start acting like it.

I know I said to not consume any loa content but if you really want to then I recommend listening (or you can read it on Reddit) all of Edward Art’s work, which is on YouTube. I really hope you understand everything I said, you deserve to have everything you want and it’s not even around the corner, it’s literally within you. You are very much capable of doing this, you could wake up tomorrow with your desires, something that is very much possible. I wish you all the best of luck!

[mydemonsdrivealimo]

what are the undiagnosed issues bryce has??

so the two main ones im thinking of are dysthymia (persistent depressive disorder) and rnd (reflex neurovascular dystrophy)

the first one i hc bc it's a very high functioning form of depression, which is also why it's hard to catch (and easy to avoid diagnosing). it's pretty common for high achievers and it's easy for him to mask when he's out at work or w friends, but when he gets home it's the worst. he just has that dread of being alone and feels like absolute shit whenever he's just in his apartment by himself. it's part of the reason he goes to bed so early and gets up early to leave the house. he has worse episodes where it will bleed into the time he's out and about, but most of the time if he's out he can avoid it, which is why he's like,, never home

and rnd honestly idk why it ended up in me hc? like at least the background of it bc ive always hced that bryce was sick a lot when he was really young, and had his fair share of stupid injuries. but w rnd, they can feel much worse than they actually are, and if they're not there at all. it's stress-related, in that he will have injury pain flare up years later when the injury definitely isn't there anymore bc of stress. its part of the reason why i imagine he's so easygoing bc he's had to learn over the years to let shit go otherwise he'll have pain flare ups that could be bad enough to hospitalize him

i think both of these got really bad when he was getting away from his parents in freshman year of college. i think he dealt w depression A Lot during undergrad and a bit through med school too. he always makes friends and has people to hang w but he never fully felt connected to them, and on top of that he had no savings so he was just basically working himself to death when he wasn't at school. especially when he first moved he really felt that isolation and even though he made friends it still never felt like he Fit In. in med school he started to find his place a bit more, but it was hard bc he was so busy all the time. that's also when he started to have more flare ups bc he was so fucking stressed all the time, but he didn't have the money or anything to actually go to the doctor and do anything about it. it was similar when he first moved to california--i imagine he had a really bad one when he got there, but going to urgent care did nothing. they couldnt figure out why, and it was already too expensive as it was. so, when it happened again later, he just did what he did then which was ice it, take meds, and just wait for it to pass (even though the first two didn't do much for him)

[fereldanwench]

therapy/mental health talk under the cut:

so i've been doing therapy for anxiety and depression for the past month; today will be my 5th session, and i have one more scheduled for next week before we need to schedule the next round

last week was really hard--i left the session feeling worse than before just because of the shit that came up (stuff i have been avoiding dealing with my entire life) so I'm kind of dreading today, to be honest. i know sometimes that's a part of the process, but it sucks

prior to last week, i wasn't sure if i wanted to stick with the therapist i have right now because:

1) i don't feel that i can totally relate to her as much as i should (one thing, in particular, is i'd really like to have an atheist or agnostic--she's not preachy, but our first meeting she said "god made it happen" after we had some tech/scheduling issues and i was like.... no lmao)

2) it's a little too Therapy 101 for me sometimes (like she was telling me about "I feel" statements and I'm like yeah, I know what those are and how to use them. this isn't my first rodeo, which she knows, and I'm probably better versed in psychology than the average non-psych person so some of these textbook breakdowns feel unnecessary)

3) it's fucking expensive, especially for teletherapy. my insurance is garbage, so I'm paying $130/week for this, and i don't think i can afford another 6 sessions at that rate

but there has been more good than bad--i think one of the most useful things to come out of this past month is that she helped me realize i have some serious self-abandonment issues that i had did not recognize (which is probably because of the nature of self-abandonment)

i also don't feel like having to rehash all of this with another therapist to start over, but idk, maybe that might help treatment have more focus? the first few sessions we had were so all over the place trying to narrow down issues, i feel like going to someone else who maybe i vibe with better and being like hey, these are the issues I've determined I'm dealing with might help

but im also trying to be honest with myself and that maybe some of my resistance now is that i just really hated how i felt last week, lmao

idk, the money might ultimately be the deciding factor regardless of how i feel because paying that much is kind of adding to my stress

[orbees]

Complaining etc

=____= wish I knew why specifically I'm feeling so shitty I guess it's school stress catching up with me cause I've pretty much been like GO GO GO all this month not rly having enough time to recuperate. And I just gotta hang in there a little longer but I wanna Rest Now also the weather's always rly crazy this time of year and the constant hot cold changes keep agitating my fucked up bones and so my chronic pains been pretty bad this week

Also im pretty sure I caught something cause I ran out of masks & w/ the state randomly deciding to cut our food stamps we have literally no spare expenses rn it sucks so bad >_<

I'm also rly. Frustrated with my mom because okay. So I'm not walking for graduation cause shits expensive and so my mom told me she wants to have a party which I thought was rly sweet actually cause my parents usually don't give a shit about my school accomplishments but instead of having it at my grandmas place like I requested she just Ignored that and set it at my aunts place instead. So my shitty awful cousin will be there and so it's like awesome this party is ruined before it even began 👍its like now this gets to be something I actively dread <3

And idk when I'm struggling my brain likes to do this fun lil trick where it channels all that stress into self loathing I guess bc I can control me even if I can't control all that other shit but it doesn't help at all it just makes me feel shitty about myself when I'm already having a hard time. So I just am feeling really crappy about myself rn and it rly sucks

It'll all get better next week when I'm done with school I know but trying to get to that finish line has been Rough

[heartfucksmouth]

can't sleep. I find it hard to get comfortable lately and I'm kind of dreading not being able to lay on my stomach or back bc my hips are so shitty. I'm so glad I already have a body pillow but dang.

moreso, I woke up to pee and then was wide awake because I was thinking of the painful and stressful overtone in the house when it comes to myles mom. I don't want my partner to be in distress like this. and my mom offered for us to go stay with her and maybe we could save to buy a house (i really do not want to get stuck in the housing system as well, esp bc myles wouldnt be able to live with me from what ive read), but that brings its own problems with boundaries and I'm not speaking to my dad (definitively and with no end in sight) but my mom talks to him every day and sees him weekly. so it would be a relief bc we wouldn't have daily beratement and feeling like we (but mainly myles) can't exist and take up space and that im put on a pedastal bc im ~female and all men are disappointments and fuck ups or something, but I'd be inviting other potential chaos and confrontation - unless my mom really truly gets that she needs to keep her relationship with my dad separate. and I'm not her daily sounding board... I need my space. it sucks so much to feel like im stuck in this again, but it's not surprising either.

I also briefly freaked out about how we would file taxes after the baby is born. I don't even file bc of my ssdi income, but having a child might change that. and then we can't get married or I lose my ssdi payments - to get the tax breaks of having a dependent/child... so I'm just like... what is going to happen with that?

the stigma and, essentially political position, of being disabled and pregnant is ever-present in my mind.

also myles mom was like "if it's a girl, ill try to soften" and I'm like lmao but if it's a boy?? you'll continue your legacy of emotional abuse and calling the men in your life retards and making them feel worthless and flawed?? no fucking thank you...

like, fuck parents like these. I can't wait to raise my kid conscientiously and intentionally so they turn out to be a compassionate human with emotional regulation skills.

also, the whole "mother" and gendered stuff isn't usually super present in my mind, but since I'm awake and ruminating, that came up too. I do feel more female and womanly being pregnant, its hard not to, and i dont think i should be ashamed of it bc any femininity i embody tends to be both soft and strong, and i think thats empowering? I chose nonbinary to describe myself bc I really don't care for the binary we have of gender, but I don't think that negates having a more fluid relationship with gender. everyone basically calls me she/her, but I feel very clear on defining myself as nonbinary. I don't usually care how people refer to me, I think it's just too tiresome for me to bother with personally. I know how i feel, and I get that it's confusing for people to understand . I still get caught up trying to explain it, but to me, it's simply an authentic feeling and allowing myself to .. accept where I'm at every day is very self-compassionate. idk if this makes sense, it's almost 2am lol

plus everyone's question is when we find out the gender of the baby lol. me and myles talked about having the main baby clothing color be green bc I hate how clothing colors are gendered. we talked about possibly a gender neutral name, but we'll see. small things like that feel really supportive to me!

I felt some weird guilt or something after sharing the news and ultrasound with more people. everyone is so so happy for us, but . idk I almost felt shame for being happy - or like it's gonna get taken from me etc. I think it's a very vulnerable position bc there is so much attention on me and judgements are always being passed. maybe it's trying to control people's expectations of me or something, and I'm sure it's internalized stuff I still have to work through.

I just want to sleep.

[avtracker]

friday, march 29, 2024

woke up at 9:30 am

shower at 9:45

i have work at 12, so im leaving around 11

10:08 in starting to get dressed and i’m thinking about what i want to do with my life, what i wanna create. i have a couple ideas (and one is in progress!) but all i know for sure is i feel like im born to be some kind of entertainer, in one way or another. thinking about the people i look (or looked) up to and recognizing that they’re like digital renaissance men; music, comedy, sketches, even podcasts or talk shows. i feel like i have a lot to say, but idk how to start or what to start with, which sounds weird to say but it’s how i feel. i should probably finish getting dressed now, i have work today.

i skipped class once again—it started at 10:10, lol. just no energy with the whole “school thing” ig. c’est la vie

(i just don’t like traditional school or traditional jobs; i wanna do something new and exciting and unique. i want to MAKE something of myself)

10:32 i just cleaned the kitchen and took out the trash. turns out the dish soap dispenser got knocked over and spilled all over the counter so i cleaned that. currently running the dishwasher and the dryer, too. there’s still some dishes in/next to the sink, so i hope my dad isn’t too upset. it’s just a couple cutting boards and knives (from all the cheese i’ve been eating) and a pan i haven’t washed yet lol

5:47p just got on discord with em, summarizing work rn: i felt very faint and almost passed out many times, due to not eating and only consuming a monster in the morning. but i had a lemon loaf and then got Cookout with my tip money otw home. chicken strips there are D-tier on god. i listened to Ride’s new album 2x already, going for listen #3 while we play civ v lol. it’s awesome

8:25p played some civ v with em and liam. i’m actually kinda sweating (from fear). liam’s trad/lib strat is going surprisingly well and im afraid he’ll nuke me lol. i think em has been playing strong too, overall im p worried. i did war liam briefly (didn’t kill anything) bc he converted Wittenberg to taoism (the fuck 😡 /j), so i hope he doesn’t harbor any resentment in this game. victory isn’t quite as close as id have hoped and there’s a lot of opposition (em and liam are genuinely good and capable players). i feel way better now that ive eaten; i have to remember to make breakfast tomorrow morning!!!

i have work tomorrow morning (9am). i’m gonna try to go to bed at a reasonable time (10p).

overall today has felt kinda good, apart from almost blacking out a bunch due to no food (lol). i didn’t feel very much sadness, just stress/dread about classes that i’m avoiding (which ik makes things worse but i can’t help it 😭). i’ll see my dad after work tomorrow so that’ll be refreshing; it’s been 2.5 weeks since he went abroad. having good food will be nice too, since he cooks at lot and i don’t cook well (cooking is stressful! i do like baking tho :D) i think i’m gonna try to track what i eat, too, in the new month

tomorrow i’m probably gonna play some terraria after spending time with my dad and then i want to work on some projects: my semi-secret infomercial-based project and maybe some music. i wanna finish the demo for this song about justin, and im gonna go visit my friend sam this summer and hopefully record a split with him and he’s gonna help me with the instrumentals for this song. i’ve been thinking about justin a lot,,, i miss him, or at least who he used to be. it sucks having a friend that totally betrays you and everything you are, yk? oh well, ig. cest la vie lol

i’d also like to do some reading this year. i wanna read Scythe (Neil Shusterman), Interesting Facts About Space (Emily Austin) i’ve been really wanting to read, as well as the classic Fallout: Equestria (Kkat)

- 8:40pm

[ghost-of-the-machine]

idk its. people dont get it okay they dont GET it. hes part of my family, im sure anyone else would be horrified if one of their family members went missing. but somehow its like.. less, like they think i should care LESS cuz hes 'just a cat' or whatever. i despise that sentiment, i completely loathe it. hes not just a cat, hes MY cat. hes my friend, my family, i see him every day. we love eachother, i miss him so much. it feels so dull without him around, so dreadful. theres no one to talk to me downstairs when i try and make food, no one to follow me around and keep me company, hes my FAMILY. of course im fucking scared, anything couldve happened to him. im just glad i havent seen any splattered remains on the street so far. we'll check the shelter and if its not him, ill go out and look again. ill try somewhere else, anywhere. it scares me though, if it really is him at the shelter, i wouldve never found him on my own. he'd be much farther than id think to check, and i checked a lot farther than my family did, both directions. im just. stressed obviously. i want my little guy to come home, i miss him

[timehascomeagain]

stressin about the state of this country😵💫

[countess-of-edessa]

.

[milkteacore]

i don’t come on here as often anymore but anyways i just wanna rant bc i’m in a Summer Depressive Episode

[radikylie]

Pain compounds anxiety/stress. Anxiety/stress compounds pain. A vicious cycle.