#idk self gaslighting

[brandoncarlo]

so there was this big blowup at my work on friday where two of my coworkers tried to undermine me and went to my manager with half truths to make me look bad. I explained what was going on from my perspective and because one of my coworkers has a history of lying to get me in trouble and the other manager actually there corroborated what was going on plus the cameras, my manager got extremely angry with my other two coworkers. I pretty much blew up, for me at least, and ranted to my manager about everything that happened (they were shit talking me and saying how i don't do work loud enough for me to hear it, on the back of my 3rd week in a row clocking in the most overtime besides the two managers, which included covering their shifts because they each call out regularly). So my manager is now saying she's going to bring both of them in and talk to them with the big boss. And while every discussion I've had with my manager has left me feeling vindicated and I know everything I said was the truth at least from my perspective. I'm like gaslighting myself and questioning my own reality (how do you know you're not lying, what if you're just trying to make yourself look good), on top of stressing about whether or not they could end up getting me in trouble by saying i did something wrong (and if i did do i remember doing it, or will it be a lie, or how will i know).

anyway the entire thing really stressed me out. i do not handle anger well and left work on friday shaking. i had to work with one of them on saturday and was blown away that she kept pretending to be nice to me, when she must have known that I could hear everything they were saying. I also had to work with another coworker who I didn't hear say anything, but knowing him he's on their side and he gave me the cold shoulder even tho he's one of the friendliest people i work with and makes sure to say hi and bye to everyone. which is FINE because i was giving him the cold shoulder too but petty me wanted to be the one to ignore him first.

point is this fucking sucks cause i love my job but i won't let people walk all over me. i am just stressed for monday because I'm not sure what's going to happen all I know is that I am going to be extremely clear with my manager about what's going to go down after she leaves. What exactly are my responsibilities and who is going to express that to the other people I am working with. Because I do not need to be told I'm not doing work because I'm the only one who can give the front desk manager a break in the afternoon, but they only see me go up front and disappear for 15 minutes, i guess assuming I'm not doing anything.

and to top it all off right before this I had gotten yelled at on the phone by someone trying to book a grooming appointment. Which is kind of funny and kind of shitty. Shitty because I was already stressed and agitated before this and also funny cause part of me was like lmaooo girls if you want to deal with that bullshit sure but they already triedd to train you for it and it failed.

[huellitaa]

reblogging myself. because i'm iconic

[sometimes-she-becomes-it]

Ok so y'all know about that one theory that since hal is a splinter of dirk and Hal is part of Lord English, that Ult!dirk has lord english+doc scratch+lil cal rattling around in his head at all times right?

This is probably a very, very cursed thought. But imagine dirk having reached ultimate self, currently having a *VERY FUCKING HORNY* lord English in his brain, specifically a Lord English deadset on tearing calliope apart with his bare hands and his bare cock too, if possible. To the point the desire to kill her hurt her FUCK HER is basically the only thing in his mind. A boiling pot that will explode unless the lid is taken off.

Imagine that Dirk messaging Callie, asking her to meet up at some remote location. Only the two of them, alone. It's been so long since they last talked, hasn't it? Imagine Callie accepting. Dirk is her friend, after all!

Imagine that the meeting starts out well. Callie talks to Dirk about her latest projects, while he hums and makes the right noises when he needs to. Sure, sometimes he throws a comment that is just too *mean* or a backhanded compliment, but Callie chooses not to say anything as to not sour the friendly encounter.

Imagine at some point calliope starts finding it just so hard to move. It slowly takes more and more effort to use her limbs. She feels weird- her head is just so foggy, so hard to sting thoughts together, it's no surprise it takes her a while to notice that some of the sweets dirk brought taste... different than they're supposed to. She tries to ask Dirk about it but can't put the words together and-

Things get weird after that.

One moment Dirk's sitting in front of her, acting concerned. The next, she's laying on her back, on the floor, dirk on top of her. Her hands are restrained- not that he needs to, but those claws can do a lot of damage, even trimmed as they are. Callie whines confusedly. What's going on? Isn't dirk supposed to be gay? Why does she feel so strange? Why is he oh god is he unzipping his pants?

Callie has read enough fanfiction to know what that means but not- not like *this*.

But she can't do anything to stop it, can she?

Cherubs mate by turning into snakes, but that's more or less a voluntary process. It is perfectly possible for a cherub to have human-style sex without turning into a giant snake. There are ways for cherubs to feel sexual pleasure. Caliborn knows this.

And now, Dirk knows it too.

It's in between these moments of confusion and pain for calliope that she hears dirk say something, it doesn't matter what exactly. But the phrasing and the cadence of it are just *so familiar*, Callie for just a moment understands what's happening, understands just *who* is behind Dirk's actions (as much as it can be said that there's anyone behind his actions ig) and that's what it takes for her to start trembling, start squirming around, crying begging- begging caliborn, begging lord english, begging dirk, anyone, it doesn't matter who, to "jUst stop please please stop, please aren't we sUpposed to be friends? Why are yoU doing this to me? Please don't do this please stop please please please please"

It takes many, many rounds before Dirk/caliborn is done with her.

(if you want to focus on the emotional aftermath too (which, I do!) then I see 3 options:

1. Calliope rationalizes her way around what happened. It was a dream, just a nightmare, nothing more. Nevermind the fact that cherubs don't sleep. Or dream. No, nevermind that. There's a first time for everything. She was just dreaming, she made it all up. There's no reason for her to squirm uncomfortably whenever dirk is brought up. There's no need to shake whenever she's all alone in some secluded place, there's no reason to be wary around any sweets she did not make herself. It was just a dream. It was just a dream.

Right?

2. Calliope acknowledges that it is real but has no idea how to go forwards about it. She can't tell anyone. She won't. She refuses. What if she breaks what little is left of her friend group? Roxy would be devastated. Would they even believe her? What if they don't believe her and they leave her behind? She doesn't want to be lonely anymore. She'd rather die. If she has to choose between keeping the secret and ending up lonely and friendless? She'll keep the secret. Forever.

3. Less emotional aftermath but..... Imagine Callie, waking up after all that, without a single memory, of it, just waking up and her hips ache and her limbs are weak. She's laying down in some bed, Dirk sitting in a chair beside the bed, calmly reading. He asks her how she's feeling, and she knows behind his glasses that he is concerned. She says she feels fine but asks what happened. Dirk says she must have been feeling sick, because not long after they started hanging out she passed out- she hit the ground hard, hence her hips hurt. Callie nods, slightly confused because she didn't feel sick when she left her house, but assumes it must have just set in quickly or something. She thanks dirk for taking care of her and laments the fact that their hangout ended early. Dirk just smiles and says that they can always hang out again some other day, just the two of them. Callie agrees enthusiastically with the idea. The implication here is that this situation, all of it, is going to repeat itself again. Possibly many times over, before Callie realizes.

4. Last one bc I don't have that much for this one: Callie acknowledges it is real, and tries to confront dirk about it, but he threatens her, says that if she says anything, he'll kill her. Then he switches to saying if she tells anyone he'll just find them and do it to them instead. She wouldn't be so selfish as to do that, would she?

Calliope can't in good conscience risk that. She won't. So in exchange for being dirk/caliborn's only victim, she'll stay quiet and agree to go to their place whenever they want to, so he can use her for his own pleasure whenever he wants.

(she gets very good at compartmentalizing in this one.)

[jasontoddenthusiastt]

Imo Jason is “irredeemable” by default because I don’t see what he needs redemption from.

[hotgirlyshit]

[phoenixcatch7]

Persephone captain marvel au. Hear me out.

Associated with duality, reincarnation, resurrection, childhood innocence (and it getting ripped away by adults), and her 'counterpart' Kore, which is her in her returning aspect of spring, youthfulness, new life... Come on. Is that not the closest thing to Billy you've ever seen in ancient Greece? Where he gets his powers?

It all starts with Teth Adam, and his devastation at the death of his son. He finds the old paths, breaks them open, and storms down into the underworld to demand him back. His is not a new story.

But where Persephone might ordinarily be inclined to ease her husband's scorn, give the troubled mourner a chance, she is speaking to the champion of magic, the world's mightiest mortal. The chance of success is too high. The challenge would not be enough. The death was too high profile and would risk too many attempting to follow in his footsteps. The man is too unstable, too powerful, too close to the heart of magic for it to be safe - for any of him - to grant his wish and risk his false hope.

They deny him.

Enraged, implacable, Teth Adam lashes out. The battle is long and drawn out, neither side tiring even as both weaken, but Persephone, in either form, is not one of war, and she is felled as her curses shatter, her furies tossed aside like dolls. The sound of Hades' scream as Adam's surprise leaves him open flattens the rubble of their throne room.

The wounded champion escapes, hounded by cerberus and skeletons instead of his son's shade, as her husband crashes to his knees beside her. She has not a mortal soul, and thus will be going where even Death cannot reach.

But Adam killed the goddess of reincarnation, and Billy has odd dreams. He's pretty sure he needs to ease up on the stress. He's restless in winter and distracted in summer, he can sleep outside in howling storms as long as he's tucked snug in the boughs of a tree, he's had the luck of never tasting a rotten fruit. Sometimes it feels like there's ghosts in his hideouts and the kids at school try and bribe him to curse their enemies.

When he chosen to be Captain Marvel the wizard chokes on his own speech when the smoke clears. They stare at each other.

"Well," says Persephone, "that was unexpected. Hullo."

"Hello," the wizard replies, "I was under the impression..."

"I don't think the laws of interference quite apply until I'm immortal again," he says.

The wizard's relief is palpable. It's understandable, he looks ready to keel over from old age. "Can I ask...?" he gestures at the new body. It takes a second to understand.

"Oh, I'm a boy now. For a while."

And that's that.

Until green lantern is killed in battle.

[anglerflsh]

I like talking to my parents it's a fun game of "which one of us is gaslighting the other This Time?"

[traumatizedjaguar]

The weird thing about abusers is they get vengeful over perceived slights that never happened, interpreting your intentions as negative toward them and using other cognitive distortions like black and white thinking to stabilize their delusional belief, and they project onto you without even seemingly realizing it… like each abuser to varying degrees seems to not even be aware of it?? I’ll tell ya, lack of self-awareness on both a human and spiritual level is extremely dangerous…

[randomnameless]

Are we ever going to get an in-universe explanation as to why Rhea sets a city with civilians still in it on fire at the end of CF, or is it forever going to remain the "devs wrote Rhea doing something evil so the audience wouldn't feel bad about killing the final boss who'd done nothing wrong up to that point, regardless of how grossly out-of-character it is for her to do that" excuse?

:(

I was typing an answer, switched tabs, and what I already typed disappeared...

Anyways...

Watsonian wise, the game iirc tells us Rhea intends to use the "fiery tiles" as hazards to slow down the BESF's progression to rekt them - and I personally find nice how the devs picked peg knights to act as reinforcments - cementing the "strategy" aspect of the Berning, aka Rhea's own troops are immunte to tile hazards, but the BESF isn't.

Doylist wise, I feel like it was one of the moves the devs pulled out to illustrate how far Rhea fell from... well, what she once was.

It's the culmination of her breakdown, her point of no-return : we came from a Rhea who valued Fodlan and its people more than her own survival and who would refuse to sacrifice anyone to ensure her safety to... a Rhea who lost so much (her remaining family), is PTSD'ing hard and was betrayed by Billy and Humanity "again", she snaps and now will sacrifice Fodlan and its people to get a chance of surviving what she perceives as the second act of the genocide of her species.

Forget the "not feeling bad" aspect of this fight anon, because, at least with the Jp audio, every scene involving Rhea, before this fight when she lost Seteth'n'Flayn, is in Tailtean, or even in this fight laments in her battle quotes, conveys, kuddos to Inoue, anguish, desperation and anger.

The BESF pushes her - during the entire length of this short route - to her breaking point, she breaks (but it's not only a furious/angry breakdown!) and Firdhiad Berning is the consequence.

Imo, even if the gapmoe and the Supreme Court tries to act as if the BESF is "in the right" or wonder what's for dinner, the foes are much more humanised/developed/are mourning on screen that, save for some devoted people, I firmly believe Tru Piss wasn't supposed to be seen as a "Good Route", but more like the Tales games sometimes have a "Bad End" path.

The final close-up on Billy's dead eyes after they lost Nirvana is, imo, telling enough - even if gapmoe and the game mechanics + IS' obsession to sell you Supreme Leader as a S material waifu you can romance sort of killed this intent, since you can get your "and they lived happily ever after" ending and marry Supreme Leader.

Tl;Dr : Tru Piss is written in a way that would make anyone (even on a first PT!) feel bad about the people you're trouncing, from Judith crying about Ignatz'n'Leonie's loss of their future, to Hilda sacrifying herself to save someone against her former nature, aka when it comes to do the "right thing" Hilda will do it even if it costs her life, to Faerghus' desperation to defend themselves at the point of willingly make the ultimate sacrifice and turning into demonic beasts and Dimitri's tender scene with Dedue, or Felix and Rodrigue fighting side by side to defend their land (and dying together) - to ultimately, Rhea losing her mind, breaking down as she learns of her kin's fate and relieving her previous PTSD hard, ultimately telling the player that they betrayed the gremlin living in their head (even if game mechanics means that gremlin is the worst mother in the entire series) and ultimately, herself.

If you're not a first PT, but Tru Piss is your last PT and you know about Rhea'n'Billy's backstories... Well.

I don't like the "you made hit you" rhetoric because it fucking sucks and irl is used by scum, and while I don't think the Firdhiad Berning was made to make Rhea look "evil" so you wouldn't feel bad for rekting her... the game painfully reminds the player, each time, that they are the instigators of this war, they are the agressors attacking people who, in this last map, will do anything to defend themselves.

It's ugly but it's the War the BESF, aka the player in Tru Piss, started/supported.

[throwaway-yandere]

Classical Conditioning is finished but I have zero fricking clue if I'm making sense I feel like a mad scientist and I am blaming Dottore for my current mental state LMAO

[tooselfaware]

Ever since I heard "Safe and Sound" in the end credits of The Hunger Games movie (I was like 14 or 15 back then), it randomly plays in my mind during emotional scenes while I'm reading.

It's like my brain makes an AMV with it and makes me feel more, sometimes too much.

And now I'm an adult swinging from "numb" to "breakdown because too much feelings" and it sends me to breakdown mode so fast. Why did my brain train my body to react this way? I'm already not okay. Stop making me more not okay!

[hexados-on-a-string]

the only reason hydron didnt live is bc if he was part of the brawler's interdimensional found family, that'd involve him getting a character arc on account of actually having a support system and also the fact that zenoheld is dead and they didn't wanna write that so they just killed off hydron. this lives in my brain though.

[lightspren]

ah, hello, Hacking Cough And Lungs Seizing Mysteriously. I thought we were done seeing each other. i’d be glad if you would quietly go away again.

[yellowlikelemons]

I need you to sit me down in front of you and talk to me gently, as if you're speaking to a frightened animal. Explain to me softly how nobody will ever love me, care about me, or waste their time, thoughts, and feelings on pathetic little runts like me. There's no point in caring about things that are beyond hope. It'd be cruel of me to demand the opposite, wouldn't it, really? That just isn't the kind of thing I was made for, but that's okay, because different people are made for different things, and I should be so happy I have such a simple purpose. I exist because there are bad sides to every person, even the best ones, and it's unnatural to never let them out. That's where people like me come in. Odd-ones out with little else they're good for to inflict pain on. Little ones with no means to fight back who rightfully will not be missed. And I want to fullfill that purpose, do I not? I want to do what I was put here to do, should I not? And I should be so grateful to you that you let me be useful to somebody for once.

[credulouscanidae]

every day i live in a passive limbo, waiting for the moment i suddenly feel better and can confront my anxiety, paranoia, and loneliness.

i feel like i have been shattered, and left in pieces with no glue to be put back together.

every day my existentialism and history of being gaslit dominates my brain and i can never make sense of my thoughts and feelings. i am constantly second-guessing myself, and implanting intentions that weren't previously there. i feel like i am required to have constant self-awareness, and to not have so means that i am Obviously Insane and Unsalvagable.

people on the outside would think im just a very holistic thinking person. which is true, and can be a good thing. but honestly? it's detrimental to how i perceive myself. i cannot unabashedly live in the moment of anything. i am, by default, viewing myself from a third person perspective in a hyper critical way. i feel afraid to fall into any category of people or labels, because to claim anything about myself is felt to either be a lie, a mockery of people who are "really" that thing, or it's attention seeking (which of course is the worst thing you could ever do right?)

even claiming to be existential causes a fear and anxiety that i am being pretentious or not self aware that it's a very human experience. my detachment from the world, my trauma, my existentialism, none of it is important or matters because others experience it too.

i cannot begin to describe what gaslighting does to the brain.

what it's done to me.

i dont even wanna claim ive become very isolated because others also experience it. id say the lockdowns from 2020-2021 triggered this, but i think more and more and realise that i wouldve done this when my mum died, or even earlier had i not had a confident person with friends take me under their wing.

i feel my whole life has come into question. i feel like my old home, my old life, my friends and pet and loved ones, dont exist anymore. i feel like im a dead person, looking back on their life and realising who i really was. all the mistakes and inconsiderate behaviours i ever done. it just fuels the fire of the gaslit brain.

everything i ever do or feel is a contradiction. i dont matter to others, but i also have more of an impact on others than i realise. the impact i have matters more than what im ever feeling, and for me to not be self aware of that clearly demonstrates how selfish and horrible i truly am.

maybe it's why people think im such a giving, non-judgemental, and sweet person. im not. im angry. im subjugated. im frightened. like a deer in the headlights, i have no choice. im easygoing and agreeable because i am scared of disagreeing or giving my thoughts through normal debate. because doing so in the past has caused assumptions about me, or intentions skewed or created. my words did not matter, but also they did.

i dont know how to just. start talking to people again. i have been given advice from people who have dealt with isolation but. i know the secret is to challenge yourself and do things even when you dont feel ready, because youll never feel ready, but how? i have lost so much. i dont have the support i need to do something so brave. because i am a coward who avoids and runs away. thats probably manipulative for me to do anyway. ive dug myself into a hole i cant climb out of. ive literally made it worse for myself for no reason. and now i cant even face the consequences of my own inaction.

but why would i wish for people to be there for me when i cant even be there for them? i know i would be there for them, in a heartbeat, but i cannot right now. thats selfish and manipulative to say i guess but. it's not fair that others dont get considered as a result of me not considering myself. mental illness makes you selfish. it makes you not a good friend.

i want to be a real friend.

dont wanna break when i bend.

.....

i have a therapist im gonna be seeing every 2 weeks. if this doesnt work out, then idk what i'll do. i have settled for the most part, and when life feels good, when my roots are grounding and growing in england, it feels good. i dont have many friends here, but i am happy with my partner and his friends, but it feels like i have so many loose ends and a life i have left behind that i cant face. and i am guilty when i experience happiness, let alone share it. because that doesnt align with my narrative that im suffering. which i am, but, i am also trying to survive and live in the life i currently have.

i guess that's what happens to the gaslit brain.

but i have to believe things will get better.

because if i don't

then what?

[quarantineddreamer]

..