#if i have covid i'm gonna be so so pissed i've been careful but it does feel like i am the only person still being careful

[youssefguedira]

so so sleepy

[frogsare-friends]

I'm Not Built for Helping Myself

chapter index | chapter 3 (you're here)

- CONRAD -

"Hey man, Jere's sick so they're gonna stay here," Steven tells me as he comes down the stairs, looking sick himself.

"You okay? You look like you're gonna pass out." I worry about him, somebody has to.

"He threw up, I thought I was gonna throw up. Long story."

"That was a really short story, actually."

"Shut up, man. Jere said we should still go, have fun and all that."

That throws me off. Why would he want us to leave? How sick was he?

"I'm gonna run to the store and come back here, Steve-o. You have a good night though, yeah? I'll pick you up from Liam's if you need a ride. Just text me!" But I'm already walking out of the house. I've missed this place all year. Our dad is coming next week and I'm pissed. And since I'm pissed at dad, Jeremiah is pissed at me. He's pissed at me all the time, I don't know what he wants from me. I don't know why all I ever do is mess everything up. I don't know how to fix everything I've ruined. Sometimes I'm glad Jeremiah has it all figured out — when I can get over how jealous I am of it — at least one of us isn't a total fuck up.

I grab him some saltines, his stomach is always super sensitive when he pukes, and we don't have any at the house. He's very adamant about not eating plain toast, and he can't handle butter or jam.

- JEREMIAH -

I feel so pathetic. Belly is holding me, letting me be the little spoon because she knows I love it. She's combing her hands through my hair, deep in thought. She's so beautiful, always has been. And so is her mind, she can get lost in it for hours and I don't want to admit how much I'd give to get lost in there with her. I want to know everything about her, then I remember that I already do. Even her favorite candy — it used to be Swedish Fish, but since she got Covid she told me they taste like candles. I've loved every part of Belly, every summer-Belly, every text from fallwinterspring-Belly, now-Belly. I think now-Belly might be my favorite version, not because of how she looks, but because I get to love her. Not in secret, and not from behind anyone else.

"Adam's coming next week…" she stumbles through her sentence, as if I'm gonna start crying again.

"Conrad's mad at him. Can't he just… hold off for one week? He can hate him the week after when they aren't both taking it out on me." I know Conrad doesn't mean to put me in the middle of it, but I can't do it anymore. I'm pissed at him. Dad's a dick, we both know it, but he's trying. At least he's trying. Maybe not well, and maybe he'll never actually get any better, but trying means a whole lot more than just wanting to try. I shouldn't say this, shouldn't even think it, but Conrad only ever wants to try.

He thinks I forgive Dad after all the shit he put Mom through, all the shit he put us through. I don't, but I can't tell Con that. He never fucking listens. He thinks something and decides it's the word of God, or something. He doesn't care if it's true, or if you're offering the truth. He acts like some victim, like he's not lying in a bed that he put together. Hell, he wrote the manual.

I can't blame him though. I get it. That feeling that everything is out of control and all you need to do is control it but you just can't.

I wonder if Conrad thinks about me like I think about him. I wonder if every shitty thing I've ever said to him replays in the back of his head constantly — even if it'd be the same 4 things over and over, I was never quite as good at hurting as he is — if he would give just about anything to be me, if he's mad at me because he can't even be mad at me.

"What happened with you and Conrad?" Belly asks, and I know what she's asking: Who said it? Who said the thing neither of us can take back? I know she's wanted to ask for years.

"What are you talking about?" I can at least try to pretend I don't know, though.

"Your freshman year. You left and it was fine and you came back and I thought you two were gonna kill each other. What happened?"

"We had a fight." I really don't want her to know what I said, what he said. I can't handle her being mad at him for something he said over 3 years ago. And, secretly, I don't know what I'd do if she told me how much of a bad brother I am for what I said, for starting it.

"You guys had fights before that. Why was that one different?" I'm trying really hard not to just get up and leave, but the bed is so warm, and her arms feel so safe.

"It just was, Bells. Drop it. Please?" He's not mad at her, he knows she just wants to make it better. But it's not her's to make better.

"Okay," she says, a bit disappointed, but not mad. I hope it's not me she's disappointed in, I don't know how I'd live with myself if I disappointed her.

I almost ask her if I did, but decide against it. She's a lot like Mom, she's only a little mad until you ask her if she is, or apologize for what you did. Then she'll make sure you know how disappointed she is. She pulls me in closer to her, this time my head is resting on her chest. I start drifting almost immediately.

Someone knocks, and I think that if it was Laurel, she would've just walked right in and told us to keep the door open.

"Come in," Belly grumbles, clearly upset our nap was interrupted.

"Hey, I got you some crackers, Jere. I know they make you feel better when you're sick." Conrad is walking in, handing me a box of saltines and some NyQuil. I keep myself from telling him that NyQuil is for colds and flus, not throwing up. I know he means well, I won't take it out on him just because I'm feeling bitchy.

"Thank you," I whisper. I'm not sure why. I have a headache, but not severe enough to warrant whispering. It's almost like I'm scared of breaking the moment, scared of saying something that will set Conrad off. And when Con gets set off, so does Belly. And I've heard them going at it all week, I really don't need to right now.

"Of course, man. I'm gonna go hang out in the living room. Come down if you feel better, yeah?"

"Mhm," I answer, already turning back into Belly's warm body. Anxiety wears you out. That's the last thing I think before I finally drift off.

[hislittleraincloud]

Sigh.

I had to explain why Afterburn hasn't been finished yet, so I'll repeat part of how I responded to this really awesome (I mean that...I love all my fans 😭) fan, but here with harsher lang because I have hate for this fucking bitch who hasn't even given me a "Thank you" for anything and has just fucking ghosted me after she got out the last time:

1. The Junkie Neighbor and The Cat. Her fucking going in and out of rehab fucked up my creative process because I had to take care of the cat and her apartment every night for long stretches at a time. I've posted pics of kitty, and will post the last one I think I'll ever take with him (😭😭😭😭😭 I raised him from a kitten) under the cut. This bitch was supposed to be my friend, but she has fucking...problems with herself and her personality disorder. I have zero idea why she hasn't responded and I don't even know where the fuck she is. So if she's reading (I think she knows of this blog), the YOU'RE FUCKING WELCOME, BITCH. And what you're doing right now is fucked up.

2. My 17yo dog is on his last legs. I've written how he's had seizures, but I haven't written how his barking after a seizure can get me a noise complaint from my shitty building manager, so that shit makes me anxious. I hand feed him, I help him get water the same way Peter Griffin helped Old Brian in that cutaway:

I wrap my boy's pills in gummies, not PB and beef 💀

LOL Except I don't have to push his tongue into the water like that. And I have to do it every...day...when he's awake. This is a disruption in my creative process too, because I REALLY wanted to pass out around 4PM today to be able to map and write all night but couldn't because he just would not settle. Dogs with dementia are like people with dementia, but less propensity towards violence when you try to help them (at least my old dogs are...they're small dogs and don't have any teeth left).

I didn't even mention my own health problems, in my explanation about how Afterburn's creation got messed. I've got Stage 4 CKD (kidney disease) and only 1 working kidney (lost the other to cancer in 2016). My kidney issues began when I was in France in 1986 and they failed on me because I ended up having HSP (and the strange nature of HSP and the possibility of certain vaccinations bringing on HSP in a few people has left me practically defenseless against COVID). Another HSP flare up would literally kill me (because there would likely be kidney involvement, and since I only have one left...the first time was Hell on Earth, I was pissing and shitting blood — stool is black when that happens...and my urine was bright red — and my parents thought I was gonna die), but I've been masking since January 2020 and have no intention of unmasking.

Having one kidney leaves me utterly exhausted to do any simple thing, so most of my energy goes to taking care of my boy/my girls. I'm on BP meds, PTSD meds, and pain meds (for chronic pain; I suffered through childhood arthritis that just ended up continuing into my adulthood), and when the Big Pharma pain meds don't work, I use cannabis. I don't really talk about or complain about it as explicitly as I am now bc it's tiring to explain over and over again why I'm a useless sack of 💩. I worked a "normal job" until I couldn't anymore; I am physically disabled.

Besides my seniors, the one other bright spot in my life is the baby. I have an Ask that wants more pics of her (I got it shortly after I posted her "Lookit me, I'm Jenna Ortega 🤓🤓🤓" glasses pic LOL), and I was going to do a whole post on her but I'll just slip a pic or two under the cut with the others.

I'll stop yapping and do that. Dogs under the cut.

This is my life now:

And before anyone gets on me about "HE NEEDS WET FOOD!", he gets wet food, but he likes his dry food. I try to spray it with water for a bit of moisture, but if I spray it too much, he won't eat it.

The orange on his face is pasta sauce (he likes licking cans...and he gets what he wants).🫠 It's sometimes hard to clean. He is always wearing pajamas (he has 6 different ones) and his elephant hoodie (he's got 3 of the same, so I can switch them out). Weird story but...one time several years ago I got him a simple elephant costume (the hood had the trunk, the body was thin jersey material but it also had 4 plush legs and a tail 🤣) and he LOVED it so much that he basically wore it out. He would get sad when it wasn't on him and excited when I would hold it up after it dried/after washing. He's fkn weird, okay? So I looked online to see if I could find another one but instead found the elephant hoodie. It doesn't have legs or a tail, but it has the trunk and it's soft and he likes it as well. Having him clothed really helps when I need to hoist him up onto the couch or help him drink. He doesn't have loose skin and even if he did, I wouldn't want to grab onto skin. It's my job to make him as comfortable as possible, not to hurt him.

Now this little (17yo as well) old lady here:

I inherited her from a nasty (racist) old bat who died right before the pandemic. Bat had CKD as well, but she went into kidney failure at some point after she wouldn't listen to me about fixing her diet (she had uncontrolled diabetes too...her blood sugar was over 400 at one point when I was visiting her at her physical rehab with the dog 😨).

She is blind, but even before she went blind, she was freaky about being handled when she didn't used to be. She can't walk outside because she gets disoriented, so she uses the pee pad set up I have for the seniors. I do love her like my own, as she is my own now (my last screenplay actually features a dog just like her). She was part of the same dog group as my boy in the rescue that I worked at...my other boy from the same rescue passed in 2021 and devastated me. His passing led me to find this little baby here:

She only wears jammies when it's cold in here.

I had never gotten a puppy before, but I was in a really dark place when my other boy died. I was seriously contemplating taking myself out too (God knows I have enough drugs here to do so). But I channeled my grief into cleaning up this place and finding another pomchi/chion (we were never sure what he was, but I think he might've been part Papillon because of his ears/fur/tail)...and I found one, albeit chocolate instead of white. I've had her since she was 8 weeks and a day, and thank the gods that she's the sweetest and pretty low maintenance. I raised her on Harry Potter 1 and 2 and Victoria Stilwell videos, and she somehow picked up what good behavior is vs. bad behavior from the Stilwell videos 😶. She used to howl at Harry Potter during the Neville scenes and the Quidditch matches (and the Mandrakes scene). I didn't want to raise her on Potter, but I chose it because it was kid's thing and as soon as I put it on her eyes were glued to the TV. She also likes Stranger Things and is okay with Wednesday. She's spoiled af, so she's got toys from all of those (she ate off the legs of her fave Harry Potter plush, adores her Eleven squeaky toy, and loves her Enid plush...yes, the Kid Robot one that came in a set with Wednesday and Bianca, the latter of which I kept for myself because it's fkn Bianca).

Anyway. That's what's up with me. I have no one here to help me anymore, so it's just me and the dogs. If I fkn die, no one will find my body for days unless one of the dogs starts barking, and the baby doesn't normally bark (she wheeks like a guinea pig). I will likely ask one of the ficwives if they would be willing to at least know my notes for Afterburn in case something does happen to me. They know the general trajectory of the story for Afterburn 2, so they already know what happens with Wenovan, but they don't know the details of the whole (the Goodmen, Joseph Crackstone & Goody, OG Nightshades (Morticia, Gomez, Larissa, Chancellor, Vincent, Mina (the Twins' mother), Francoise, Osamu (Yoko's father), the Petropoluses, and Grandmama Addams (the oldest living "local" Nightshade)) story. I've yet to decide on a few other Elder Nightshades, but I've got ideas. The Nightshades and Wednesday's power as one are a BIG focus of Afterburn 2, so maybe now you get my irritance at the fkn show deleting 2/3 of them.

My boy's sleeping now so I guess I ought to sleep too, otherwise he'll wake up when I'm about to sleep and THAT fucks me up even more.

ETA: Forgot the pic of the cat.

My buddy, Prince (the name he was given when he was born, so ✨I✨ kept it, but his weirdo mom named him "Tennessee Tuxedo"). Wow, Tennessee... I just now realized that.... To me he will always be Prince Ovaltine of Meowcatsia, a cat who adored playing tag with me. 💔💔💔💔💔

[destinyc1020]

A couple of times you have mentioned that you were surprised that JE and Olivia had lasted 2 years. Based on gossip sites over the last couple of years, is that they were off and on. More off because that is what he wanted. There were lots of sightings of him at events where he was really flirty or hitting on someone. My opinion and this is just my opinion, he is a clout chaser. I think he tried to find another higher profile girlfriend, but just could not. So his 'hook-up' is now a more serious girlfriend. Funny thing is no one really seems to care, as far as entertainment sites are concerned. On a side note, I never thought that he was really that in to Zendaya. I just did not think that her truly understood her, but once a again , just my opinion.

A couple of times you have mentioned that you were surprised that JE and Olivia had lasted 2 years. Based on gossip sites over the last couple of years, is that they were off and on. More off because that is what he wanted.

Oh I didn't know that they were off and on.

I usually don't follow them all that closely tbh, but thnx for this insight that they've been off and on. Didn't know that.

There were lots of sightings of him at events where he was really flirty or hitting on someone.

I wouldn't be surprised.... He was doing that stuff while he was dating Z too. 😒 I always gave him the side eye for that. It was embarrassing! I know for a FACT that he was being flirty with Kaia while he was dating Zendaya.🙁 There's actual footage and evidence that I've posted on my blog. That's why many of us in the fandom weren't even shocked at all when he and Kaia were spotted together for the first time in Sept back when he finally flew back to LA from Australia for the first time since covid. 🙄

My opinion and this is just my opinion, he is a clout chaser. I think he tried to find another higher profile girlfriend, but just could not. So his 'hook-up' is now a more serious girlfriend.

I've heard a lot of ppl say that.

Funny thing is no one really seems to care, as far as entertainment sites are concerned.

They're not really all that interesting tbh. 🤷🏾‍♀️ I think he's gonna need a really big role, or one that endears him to more people for the media (or even the general public) to really care about his rlshps like that. When he was with Kaia, he got spotted all the time... but she has ppl papping her just for breathing rofl, so it's no surprise that any guy who dates her is gonna get papped a lot while with her. 🤭

On a side note, I never thought that he was really that in to Zendaya. I just did not think that her truly understood her, but once a again , just my opinion.

This was actually one of my biggest reasons why I didn't like him!! 🤨

This is THEE Zendaya you're dating. You're lucky she's even giving you the time of day when she just broke up with her super-famous millionaire boyfriend Tom. Rofl 🤣 JE was a HUGE step down for her... just in terms of stats imo lol 😆

He just always seemed checked out or going through the motions when he was dating Zendaya. Kaia seemed more his speed no offense. Their rlshp was off too (don't get me wrong), but at least I saw more pics of them being like a normal couple lol.

I'm like, how can you go from Tom Holland (who was so in love with you) to this dude who doesn't even have the decency to look up from his phone when he's with you most of the time? 🥴

Even the pics where she's laughing in NYC... She's like: 🤣😂

And He's like: 😐

It just seemed ODD to me 🥴 Their energy was so off to me. And he looked pissed off most of the time.

Everything about their rlshp seemed off to me. I'm sure he and Z had lots in common, but I never got "warm", "romantic" vibes from them at all. 🥴 It was just strange girl lol. 😅

I'm sure they had fun together and stuff, and maybe at one point Z thought she loved him lol, but they were definitely BOTH rebounding with each other, so it wasn't gonna last. Not when you have so much unfinished business with your ex. Jmho 🤷🏾‍♀️

[memento-morri-writes]

Get To Know Me Better Tag

I was tagged by the lovely @inkingfireplace !! Thank you!!

Relationship Status:

Very, very single, and totally okay with that. (Aro-spec ace over here)

Favorite Colors:

Black, crimson red, royal blue, and navy blue. (Basically black and blue.)

Favorite Food:

Uhh... bread and cheese in some form or another. Pasta, quesadillas, pizza, grilled cheese, etc. I really love my carbs.

Song Stuck In My Head:

Grip by Bastille and SEEB

Last Thing You Googled:

Bus fare cost for the city buses in my uni town. (I've had a very hectic day, and also apparently lost my bus pass at some point.)

Time:

2:31 pm

Dream Trip:

Italy!! The more historic areas the better!! I was supposed to go in 2020, but then COVID happened, and it never wound up happening. Although, I also would love to go to Scotland someday.

Last Thing You Read:

A Gathering of Shadows by V.E. Schwab if we're talking books. Otherwise, tumblr posts, hahaha.

Last Thing You Enjoyed Reading:

A Gathering of Shadows. I very rarely read books I don't enjoy. I can usually tell based on reviews and summaries if they're my thing or not, so I usually like what I pick up, or at the very least am pretty neutral about it. The only books I've ever strongly disliked were ones other people made me read.

Favorite Thing To Cook/Bake:

So, I can barely cook, and I can't bake to save my life, so I'm gonna say quesadillas. I make pretty good ones, if I do say so myself. (Ofc, if you don't like them to be super buttery, you might not agree...) I really like it when my mom bakes brownies, though!!

Favorite Craft To Do In Your Freetime:

I don't really do many crafts?? I write in my free time, and I play video games on occasion, but I don't really do crafts.

Most Niche Dislike:

People using the shortened versions of idioms that mean the exact opposite of what the originals mean. I won't get into it here, cause it would be a really long rant, but the one that really pisses me off is "Blood is thicker than water." since the OG phrase is "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." (You did say niche, lmao.)

Opinion on Circuses:

I don't really have one?? I don't know that I've ever been to one. But I think that acrobats are insanely talented and awesome, however, the biggest issue with circuses tends to be improper care of their animals, so....

Do You Have a Good Sense of Direction?

Yes. Even when in a basement with no windows, I can point people in the direction of the nearest bus stop, their next class, etc. Although, considering the first week of classes, my friends pointed the exact opposite direction of the dining hall at least 3 times, I guess even if I couldn't do it underground, I'd still be better than average.

Alright, I'm going to tag @kapenkoiwrites @andromedatalksaboutstuff @the-finch-address @fiercely-raging-writer @honeysaige @mr-writes @pinespittinink and uhh.. that's it, I think.

[thatorangedog]

you know I need to get this out somewhere and here is a good a place as any. it's been a few years coming and I wish I was never right to begin with...

tldr: i was right about losing them because I'm queer

I kinda knew in college that coming out was going to fuck up the family but I did it anyway. Queer non-binary. I knew the risk of not seeing some of them anymore and while most of the people in my family I cared about stayed around, some of them didn't and it kills me. I knew my aunt was not going to be on board. She has 4 kids now but only had 2 at the time and I remember talking to my mom about it. About the fear that I wouldn't be allowed to see the kids anymore and she assured me that wouldn't be the case and that my aunt still loved me. But her family is Catholic. And I knew, I just knew it would end... me seeing the kids. Then covid hit. That's when it stopped. covid became my aunts excuse for me to stop coming. she stopped talking to me.

I got top surgery in 2021, best decision of my life. I've never been happier. Fast forward to earlier this year. I was with my mom and we were in my aunts area so we stopped in since I hadn't met the newest cousin yet who had just been born a few months ago. Keep in mind I haven't seen her in over 2 years. I couldn't figure out where my uncle was when I got there. I met the baby said hi to my other cousins. caught up with them and my aunt kind of kept giving me the side eye. I didn't think much of it at the time but I was wearing a tank top...

Come to find out my mom told me what my aunt said to her about me. She doesn't want me around the kids. She doesn't want the kids asking why I don't have boobs anymore because she saw my top surgery scars through the side of my tank top. like kids are gonna fucking ask that. she's afraid i might say something she doesn't agree with around them. she told my uncle not to come home because I was at the house. visiting. And my mom is pissed about it as well... doesn't make it any better...

Fast forward to now, it's thanksgiving and my aunt wants to talk to me now. to reconcile or some shit and i'm bitter. I want to see the kids, I really do they're so much older now. one of them is going to be 12!! I'm so proud of them... But I'm also so unbelievably upset with their parents. My aunt and uncle... The people who helped fucking raise us when my mom was struggling with 3 jobs. All those fucking nights when I was a kid with my sister at their house. Playing fucking mario cart 64, watching movies, roller skating. it's almost unfair that they turned their back on me now simply because I'm not straight. I don't want to see her. I don't want to see him. I don't want to talk until the acknowledge the wrong and hurt they've done. but I don't think they will... and if they did, i'd only be going back to see the kids again. I miss them... I hope they ask about me... I wish they weren't catholic. I wish my whole family left church... some of us did, but not everyone...

And I'm thinking about this now because of the holidays but also because of what happened in Colorado... i'm so tired of hiding but at the same time it costs so much...

[snowieluna]

In the shower. Having a Bad Mental Health Moment.

I think stuff has been leading to this.

- Brain had what I think was an intrusive thought? "I wonder if he would care if I died." Which 95% sure he would, but Brain is stupid and clamped onto that, and went nope it'd be fine. (I'm getting quick flashes of Daniel and Yoel and Mom, and yeah they'd be at least somewhat bothered. I realize that now that I'm trying to break this down.)

- I felt like I couldn't breathe well and it was bringing me back to yesterday when I was in the hood for my media fill. I was in the other room which I'm not used to, I was stressed, nauseous, dizzy, headachy, sweaty. I was remembering how people would sometimes say they get claustrophobic in the suits. You're all contained with a mask and everything. I just kept thinking this is how I feel when I'm under a blanket, and I'm just re-breathing carbon dioxide. I'm not getting enough air. That's why I'm dizzy. Deo's gonna be pissed if I pass out in here or puke in the clean room. I can't breathe. I hate this. I need to finish. I need to be able to do this. I'm smart. Why am I so stupid? And I'm just fucking spiraling while trying to fill tiny ass vials and not mess up any more than I already have.

- I told Amisha after that I don't think I can do this every day. I'm hoping I can somehow get one day a week in Filling.

- Then I start worrying about tomorrow and where I'm going to be placed. Either the lab or filling. The lab is more professional. It looks better. I'll get more money eventually. I prove I'm smart enough to be in there. But I'm legit scared of being stuck with just my thoughts for most of the day. I'm debating on sneaking in one earbud, but I don't think I can. It's not like my hair's down anymore.

- So I'm spiraling and trying to take deep breaths. I'm thinking about that sloth I saw on TV earlier. Her fucking arm had rotted off. There was bone sticking out. She was burned so badly by an electric fence that the flesh fell off. And she was pregnant. They amputated and she seemed active enough at the end of the episode. But when it clicked that that was bone I could see. I felt sick. And she's just trying to survive for her baby. I cried.

- Then I got some self harm urges for a little because I felt kinda disconnected from myself. Then I got mad I thought it again. (I think it's 'cause I brought out one of the scalpels I bought to be used to rip out seams.)

- Then I just tried to focus on the feel of my chest expanding as I took deep breaths. Watching water drip down my hair.

I've been leaning against the wall trying to breathe. I'm getting small flashes of other stuff that popped up in the spiral (being a disappointment, my hair looking potentially stupid, me being awkward this uncoming weekend because I can't understand Korean, being depressed during covid, taking so long to get a job, being an embarrassment to everyone because I can't function like a normal fucking person, being overwhelmed with the act of trying to be a functioning person, not being able to lens $600 to Xiomara, that distrust of maybe she wouldn't be able to pay it back, feeling shitty for thinking that, feeling shitty that maybe I'm just naive

Okay that's enough. I've been typing for 20 or so minutes. I need to actually clean something besides my hair. I'll try to keep breathing

[tandytoaster]

I have so much to complain about all the time lately I'm so sorry I'm just like [ head in hands ]

Last year I had 2 friends lie to me repeatedly for months in cahoots (""dating""🤡 each other). 1 I don't care for because he's lied and been sneaky before but the other has like fucking devasted me. Like the last person I would assume to pull one over on me, but about a month into the whole thing I gathered my suspicions and was Right‼️ much to my dismay.

I know I'm regressing here venting online in detail about the dramas of my life but shits getting to me.

Let me paint the picture for you. My 2 irl best friends are who I'm talking about. My ex boyfriend and my best friend of 17 years.

Last year my ex started working at where I'm currently working at, and my best friend just so happened to work there as well. They both put in a good word for me and now I work there and they've since quit ( unrelated ).

I was excited about this because I've never ( and I never will 🤡 ) had an irl friend group of people I know Really well so in the beginning I was really optimistic. My ex was like, "[best friend] is really pretty but I'm not gonna try to date her" and I'm like, "ok I trust u!" I did not trust him but that's a fight that didn't need to happen so I didn't let it.

We all went out 1 night with 2 other friends and it was very fun and I liked it a lot and then like 2 days later me, my ex, and my best friend made plans to go out and do stuff around town But Then I Got Covid so obviously I couldn't go out. They still went out which makes sense but it still like. Hurt because those were Our plans and now I've been excluded from Our plans.

This is when the bullshit started because allegedly when my best friend tried dropping my ex off at his place he held her hostage in her own car (???) saying shit like, "ohhh i wanna kiss u but i shouldnt" for like 2 hours. Ever since then they contiously complained about each other and I've never ever heard a positive thing from either of them about the other.

Not even a month later thats when I'm like, "okay something is up" because my ex sent me a fuckin. Pokemon go gift from the pokestop beside my best friend's house. When, weeks prior she was like, "I DONT WANT HIM TO KNOW WHERE I LIVE I DONT TRUST HIS ASS".

I keep trying to make plans with my best friend but its always, "oh, no I'm too busy with school. I'm too tired to go out" she was at his house the entire time apparently. She confessed to me like 2 months in, I had her come over and she was like, "you're going to hate me you're going to hate me. [ Your ex ] broke up with me. I loved him and he did this to me" SHE DIDNT EVEN TELL ME THEY WERE DATING SHE TOLD ME BY TELLING ME HE BROKE UP WITH HER? And then tried to say she loved him when I know damn well she didn't

I'm pissed at the overall lack of integrity here. Like yes I think it's fucking weird that she decided she wanted to date my ex boyfriend when she knew everything that happened with us from all the good and nice things to why we broke up. This is an individual I have been extremely sentimental about ever since I met him 10 years ago, someone who has been nothing but nice and passive with me (for the most part). And you got in the way of that. You inserted yourself in between my nice sentiments

The other big part of this I fucking hate is, she told me, "I knew there was a chance you would hate me for this and never talk to me again but I still did it I'm so sorry I'm such a bad friend". But You Still Did It! You ran that chance because I am beneath dirt to you, I am WORTHLESS in your eyes. I am not worth keeping. 17 years all for what. I really should have told her to get out of my apartment right then and there but noooo I'm too good at peace keeping and staying rational, to a detrimental amount !!! "I did this thing I assumed you would never talk to me again over" then why did you do it. Why am I worth throwing away. Unforgivable.

And I know what you're thinking, "why are you just mad at her, he was a part of it too" because I expect it from him. He's uncommitted and indecisive with a need for attention and I can handle it and put him in his place so to speak (uphold boundaries) when need be. It's just another day with him, with my best friend this isn't something I ever wanted to be suspicious of ( especially when she would tell me every day how much she hated him when they were 'dating' )

My best friend is the person who introduced me to "girl code". One of the many rules being, "don't go after your friend's ex" FUNNY!!!!!! How funny. She actually introduced this to me many months prior, before her and my ex ever actually met.

See, she was telling me about girl code because another girl in her group was interested in her ex bf. And she didn't like that. Its the hypocrisy, its the double standard. 'Don't do it to me but i can do it to you'. And then later on, some cable guy came into her then-place of employment and one of her coworkers was flirting with him because they thought he was her ex. When she told me this she told me she didn't appreciate her coworker doing that to her. 😇 I wanted to bring up the hypocrisy then and there but I didn't. Because she can't handle conflict. Any and all anger I have with this situation is unproductive and talking about it with her serves no purpose since the situation has ended and what has been done cannot be undone. But it festers inside me. If I get mad at her, she will come back swinging at me because thats what she does with everyone. Someone starts a fight and she digs her knife in and twists.

Thats all just one issue thats been pissing me off since forever and I'll die mad about it I will be so honest. She's ran my ex's name through the mud and has called him a gaslighter ( this i believe hes tried with me when backed into a corner but i dont fall for it ), a narcissist (she calls everyone she hates a narc btw), a woman beater, an abuser. And like. Because I'm her friend, her best friend (supposedly), I want to believe her. But shes also a self confessed chronic liar. And like, I know my ex, I've known him for 10 years and she knew him for 4 months. We saw each other for a little under 2 years and the worst he ever did to me was avoid me, which did hurt, and then ultimately chose to date someone else, which also hurt.

I realize how shitty this all sounds on my end, like, "oh my friend said this dude abused her but i dont believe it", but its because i know him and i know her and i know she lies about everything

She complains constantly about her other friends, has nothing nice to say about them, they're all toxic narcs too in her words. SO THEN I WONDER!!!!! Wtf is she saying about me. I really do wonder. She's very supportive to my face but it wouldn't surprise me if she talks badly about me to her other friends who she complains about to me.

I can only guess what she would complain about regarding me, my guesses are that she thinks I'm annoying [ gestures to my whole self ] and that I'm dirty.

My apartment is a whole mess and I hate it so so so so so much but I don't have the energy to get it clean. I use my energy doing the dishes over and over and over and over and then everything else falls to shit.

And!!!!!! I have a Filthy Disgusting Unhygienic cat 😁

I've had cats my whole life and she knows DAMNNNNNNNN well they are my favourite things in the entire world. So tell me why does she say to my face with such confidence she thinks they're gross and dirty. I think the men you date are ugly as fuck but you don't hear me saying that to you!!!! She's done it twice, first time was the post just below this and the other was 2 days ago where she said if she's going to move in with this other friend he can't have a cat because she thinks they're dirty.

I've also had a suspicion that she's never eaten anything I've baked. I like to bake. Baking is my talent, art is my skill. I like to give treats to my friends. I don't think my best friend has ever eaten anything I've given her. Probably because she thinks I'm dirty. I've never seen her eat anything I've given her, and anything I Have given her she doesn't acknowledge unless if I ask how it was. I Could give her the benefit of the doubt that she doesn't like eating in front of people and just forgets to say anything. But given everything else, again, I'm not that stupid.

I have no plans on stopping being her friend because she's nice to my face i can just play stupid. But idk if she keeps bringing up the cat thing i might have to be like, "hey man. I get it. You think I'm dirty. You don't have to hang out with me if you don't want to"

I love her but she kinda sucks

[motorclit]

I need to just... let myself fully indulge and enjoy the thing that's actually somewhat easily accessible to me... The thing that is NOT that is ecology, because I can only watch so many seminars before my ass hurts from sitting. I wanna go out and observe, experience, and even record data beyond just documenting for iNaturalist. I COULD do that, but I'm still not *quite* physically up to par to do that yet. I'm still working on strength and endurance, and since my .už has covid right now, I'm avoiding exercise for a few weeks until we know the virus isn't in this household anymore (haven't been able to get boosted yet because it's hard to get a hold of pharmacies that have novavax), and it'll take me all year to feel somewhat "normal" again fitness-wise.

So instead, the most accessible special interest of mine is X-Men TAS, since *most* episodes in my pirated copy still work (until we get Disney+ again which won't be for a little while still), plus there are 2 books out on that very show (one of course being an art book). I sort of avoid even watching it right now despite how excited I am for X-Men '97 to come out because I know when I watch it, it'll trigger a hyperfocus that goes Kaio-ken times 10 that will make me one annoying asshole to my muž about it.

I'm gonna talk to him about it, because the topic WILL be brought up a lot no matter how much I try to avoid info-dumping things that I love.

And when it comes to automatic special interest bring-up despite my mood, I will always correct anyone regarding ecology and animals (especially the creepy-crawlies) and I know it pisses people off but guess what? I don't care. Creepy crawlies deserve to be understood and respected as much as a damn tiger or some other charismatic mammal. There's just so many books on the topic of zoology and ecology and entomology that I want and I can't afford to keep up with that. (Don't mention libraries because we live out in the sticks. That's has money, gang. We can't always afford that.)

The only other semi-accessible special interest I have is punk music, specifically certain subgenres like riot grrrl or bands like the Lunachicks, and I'm hoping to work on my CD collection this year, too. Unfortunately, I have to order online. The nearest store that sells CDs is one of the last Sam Goodys in existence which is a 40 minute drive and they don't have a while lot of CDs left.

Soooo X-Men TAS it is.

And if anyone wants to know who my favorite character is, it's Beast; I have such a crush on him.

^ALSO I WAS SEARCHING THE GIFS AND I FORGOT JAPAN ANIMATED THEIR OWN OPENING OF THE SHOW AND LOOKIT HANK! I've headcanoned is obscenely strong but holds back to keep others safe, kinda like George Newburn's Superman in the late 90s, early 00s cartoons.

[jazzromance]

I feel like death is chasing me. (And this is not some kind of a metaphor or dramatic statement for some general anxiety I happen to face in my life as of right now.) It's exactly what it feels like, right now I feel like I'm doing everything in my power to evade some kind of death that is trying to catch me. I think I mentioned the thunderstorms I experienced during the late summer. There were two thunderstorms where the big windows in my apartment felt like they were inviting the lightning to come in, like they were closing in on me. It almost felt like a flash could be made out of thin air, that's how electrifying it was. That night I made promises to God, that I was going to lead a better life, that I wasn't able to keep.

Some weeks goes by, and one day walking down the street everything turned white, like I couldn't see anything for a couple of seconds. I was in a phonecall and I told my mother "how strange this is, everything turned white..." and then I heard the thunder again, striking this time. I ran home that evening and told everyone that I care deeply about that I survived getting hit by lightning.

The week after that I get very sick in Covid-19. Nothing special about that, I think, since I've tested positive four times before (I work with people), including three vaccinations, and it was nothing different than a regular cold. But this time it hits differently. I'm extremely sick the first week, with some symtoms that lasts for a month.

I'm working at a school and many of my co-workers gets the same kind of symptoms, some get tested positive for Cov-19, so I'm thinking to myself "I don't need to get tested this time, I know what it is since everyone else has it and have been tested."

Four weeks goes by. I still have some symtoms left, but only vague fatigue and a sore throat that comes and goes. And I'm a young person, and a very active one, -so despite my better judgements I go to a party. And the party's on a boat.

I'm a nervous drinker, so some partys make me more uncomfortable than others. And during those times I tend to drink more. I take sips so that I can gather my thoughts before I continue on with the conversation, and sometimes to avoid speaking altogether. This party was one of those. I was there because they've all been my friends for a long time, but due to unfortunate circumstances some couple's been broken off. And I used to date one person out of this particular crowd. All of this unfolded fairly recently and I wasn't exactly stoked about going to this party. But I went along, so I could be a support to my friend who's one of the people who got broken up with. We were gonna be there to show everyone that we still wanna be a part of the friendsgroup. Needless to say I got so drunk it's a miracle I could stand up. And that was the moment when I decided to jump into the ocean.

In the ocean I thought about how absurd this life is, and I thought about my mother. Then I got up (with the help from my friends). And regretted I ever jumped in.

The day after that was the worst hungover in my life. I was still on the boat. I puked all day. I had no more power in me, I really thought I was gonna die.

Some weeks goes by. And I'm exhausted, still feeling a sore throat every now and then. I go on like normal. I work. I see friends. I go out on Fridays (no benders). I play music on Sundays.

A friend came to visit me three weeks ago and we went out for beers. I drank five. And it was the same waltz as before. I got way too pissed drunk and I puked all night and all day after that.

For that last endeavour, I gained a bad case of gastric-catarrh. Not even being able to lay down when I sleep because of how acidic it feels. I got some medication for this.

Three weeks later. Today. It feels like my stomachs dead, like there's nothing moving inside of me. Like I'm broken. Like I broke something in my insides. I can barely go to the toilet.

And except for that I'm experiencing a lot of fatigue, I go to work but as I get home by 17:00, I immedately hit bed (and this has been the case for the majority of my days since September, only that the fatigue's been increasing with time). I am also experiencing a lot of derealization and depersonalizaton, since my stomach feels like it isn't moving.

It's hard to concentrate and just going to the store to buy food is a terrible ordeal. I have abstract thoughts that doesn't make any sense at all, that sometimes shows up in my speech so that other people notice it. I just can't make sense of the world like I used to, my reaction-system's just different, and much slower.

Sometimes it feels like my mind and my body are shutting down completely. And I'm not even reacting proportionately, i'm not even getting panic. I'm just so tired it feels like it's just happening and I have no say in it.

So there are days where I'm calling sick from work. I'm 25% off on sick-leave. Maybe that isn't enough. And maybe there's nothing that can make this better. I'm thinking about just going on about my days even though this is happening to me, because at least maybe someone will notice if I collapse.

It's scary, of course. But in many ways I brought this on myself, and there's no turning back the clocks. I made my own bed and now I'm laying in it.

But it really feels like, after all of these unfolding of events, that there could've been no other reality. And it feels like I got some kind of a curse. It feels like I shouldn't have made those prayers promising things I couldn't keep in the beginning.

Just writing this down for other people to see (in case something would happen), feels like a relief.

[causticsunshine]

okay i'm gonna say something and i just know someone's gonna get mad at me or send me shit and say i'm not actually a fan, whatever, but i've been feeling some sort of way about this for awhile and it lowkey really pisses me off that not enough people i see are talking about it, so i'm going to bite the bullet and say it—

louis not wearing his mask when talking to and meeting fans, even when he's just walking around outside venues or when has popping out of his recording space to wave hello, is not okay and has not been okay and he's not been getting the call-outs he deserves.

i know he's got to be vaccinated and likely boostered already but seeing as how this whole tour was already put on hold for like, two years because of the pandemic that's still going around and still has people—including his fans, his band, tour crew, venue workers, everyone??—required to wear masks out in public and around other people, vaccinated or otherwise, and he just isn't wearing his mask around them when we see him (especially when security and his tour mates and crew are next to him wearing their masks??)....it's both super unsafe to him and other people, as well as super fucking disappointing to see.

like, it's been two years of this shit. we've been doing it. it's not new and it's not regional. i don't care when or if or even how vaccinated a person is—if you're out and about, keep your fucking mask on and keep your distance.

a huge reason as to why we have to keep on wearing our masks and dragging this shit out is because there are far too many people out there being selfish and not being safe, not getting vaccinated, or got vaccinated and decided 'well i can't get sick so no mask for me hehe' when you can still get covid after you've been vaccinated, and even if you're asymptomatic or don't get sick, you can still get other people sick!

not only that, but doing shots with fans—even if they literally just went to buy the shots at the in-venue bar and handed one to him seconds after getting them—isn't a good idea right now? yeah it's very fun to watch and under normal circumstances i'd love to do a shot with louis! but it's still a risk and he shouldn't be doing that right now?

(and please correct me if i'm wrong because i very well could be, but don't some of the venues for this tour still have slightly looser restrictions? i could totally have the wrong information but i was talking with some friends about it recently when one of them pointed it out, so as far as i know this is still a thing.)

we all talk about how vocal and comfortable he is in expressing his gratitude and love for both fans and the people he works with, as well as making sure everyone feels safe and is safe in his company, such as properly halting things tonight in atlanta when so many people were overheating in the pit, so: why is there so much radio silence when he's willingly being less than safe?

yes, you could argue he does wear his mask and we just don't see it in the photos we've taken of or with him, but that's still leaving room for risk. that's still not enough.

and to people who think i'm being unnecessarily hypercritical of him and this issue, the reason why i'm saying something, why i'm so vocally disappointed and frustrated about this, is because i really fucking care.

after having to wait so long for his first proper solo tour, i really don't want him to cancel dates or cut things short in any way because he's gotten sick, someone key to his performing has gotten sick, etc. like, i can't even imagine how heartbreaking it must've been to keep having to push off this huge career leap because of a pandemic...

so why is he risking a repeat of that at all?

my relationship to louis up to this point—since like, 2011—has been entirely parasocial, but i've always had a strong connection to him. i've cared about him for so long and when i care about someone—and i'm really not someone who really cares about or takes real interest in celebrities of any kind or caliber—even in that distanced parasocial way, i care.

so when one of the few people i actually like does or says something that i don't agree with or poses some sort of issue with my morals, interests, etc., i'm not going to pretend it wasn't said or didn't happen. i'm willingly giving that person my support and my time—why would i be quiet?? i want them to be better!

criticizing the actions or words of someone you care about when there's inherently an issue with their behavior does not mean you like them any less and i don't think enough people take that into account, and why so much behavior from a lot of people goes unchecked when it shouldn't.

and it's not just louis; just in regards to 1d, i've openly criticized every member of the group at some point in time! call-outs to be better are a love language of mine and i take them very seriously!

(like i've already come and keep coming for liam's neck about the NFT shit, and louis isn't catching a break from me either in that regard.)

really what i'm trying to say here is:

considering this whole tour was pushed back because of covid, it genuinely frustrates and disappoints me to have seen louis already being so carelessly maskless when meeting people and going out before tour, but so especially on tour when he's not just consistently traveling to different cities but different countries and is going to be doing so for a majority of the year.

to see someone i've genuinely liked and cared about for oven ten years, who has a deserved rep for being profoundly vocal in his love and gratitude, do something so careless yet so fucking easily fixable as wearing a mask, breaks my heart, because wearing a mask isn't something out of his power or his control. if his crew, band, openers, etc., can wear their masks when around him and when out around fans and other people, so can he. there is no excuses to be made here.

no amount of money and status can make you immune to a worldwide super-spreader virus that's not just made millions of people sick and even given many lasting health issues, but actually taken millions of lives.

he needs to be better in this regard, and we need to actively hold him, and anyone else acting similarly, accountable. it doesn't mean we're being hypercritical or that we secretly don't care, are being mean, etcetera—rather, we all need to be held to the same standard, to be safe.

[0aurelion-sol0]

I'm gonna be frankly honest. I'm probably going to get slandered for it anyway whether it's here, Twitter, Reddit or else where. Go for it, I don't care, I am not a bringer of truths and I never said I was, I am just some weird theorists online who can be wrong just as anybody can. We have been called every names and even toxic when we are literally the one being attacked, non-stop because we don't believe and didn't agree with the main views and thoughts of the fandom. Hypocrite much but I digress.

I am happy for those who liked all of this and happy, in a certain way, for those who reported the leaks and or believed in it. I am an empathetic person, far too much sometimes, so I enjoy seeing other people happy from anything, in this case entertainment they love. The thing is, I enjoy things in this show that other people don't or that a few people do. The elements I like are almost being ridiculed everytime and everywhere in the majority of this fandom. I personally am tired of that. What do I see in this teaser, the elements I love are pushed to the side once again to cater and market to the masses once again. It was fine in 1, 2 and especially 3, because that was point in that season.

I am happy for those whose elements they love got brought back, some that I like and some that I don't like.

I am not hyped for Season 4 anymore, might be overkill but I don't care. I am slowly losing interest for it personally. This ST Day was dissapointing for me. I barely enjoyed any of it.

I am sick of having to swallow tropes and ideas that I just do not enjoy and are inherently bad in their very concepts. I don't care about them.

Subtext is interesting, I love subtext. But it's still subtext. Something that a lot of people do not see and can be dropped when the authors don't want, need or can't use it or do anything with it. There are very few instances where it becomes more essential than the main text. The 004 teaser was messy, confusing and boring in many parts. I wanted to see main text from the characters and the story that I love and I care.

I am not asking for a plot twist or anything major but something different more clear. Even if it turns out to be not true.

I love El but making it all about her and her relationship with Mike does not interest me. What about the other Byers and their stories ? Jonathan, Will and Joyce, some small bits here and there but that's it. We started this story with this family and now it feels and are advertised as just a background for El's plot who we already new about and was much more interesting in 002.

I dear god, HOPE, it's not the case and that the Byers are not just standing around experiencing El's plot. It ruins the potential these characters have. At least Joyce may have something to do but Jonathan and Will, I worry a lot about their story.

I see pretty much everything everyone is talking about here. I see the subtext but if the plan is still Season 5. I need things to come to light already.

Instead we got Season 3-esque type of stuff.

Season 3 worked for what it's supposed to do and I can appreciate it's genius but it was season 3, it was supposed to be that way. I can defend this season but there was legitimate criticism with the ways certain things were handled.

I think it's normal to have certain expectations and wants from a show especially three seasons into it. Like everyone, there's thing I want and I don't want. But apparently, there not as valid for some people but I don't care, I genuinely did not like many things I saw, read and heard.

If you did good for you. I didn't and I don't want to pretend like I did.

I am not pissed by the release date. I expected it. COVID and the recent demands by the workers would have delayed it anyway.

I am more mad at the fact that after telling everyone that their set was very safe for leaks, a fucking leaker decided to leak stuff as much as he could and the things I've heard, I do not like them. (And apparently, there's more to those.) I don't, I truly don't. It's my humble opinion, if you do, great for you. It will be boring and cliché if it happens for me.

Now what is mixed with real leak and theories by these same people remains to be seen. They might have also not all the information of these particular plots so they might just know the superficial part of it all and might be missing some parts. But so far, I am not excited for Stranger Things 4. It is probably overkill but I honestly I am not excited.

There are some things that I did enjoy and found interesting but my thoughts and feelings are mostly negative at the moment. I have reasons that I found legitimate and I am now even more cautious than I was before. I have experienced too much similar stuffs in other stories, I don't want to reexperience it again.

My head needs to rest and clear itself to get to the analysis part of it all. But right now, I am not motivated, I am sorry.

If you did enjoy it, good for you, I am happy for you. I didn't sadly and it's pissing me off. I feel bad and guilty for not doing so. Slander me all you want, at this point, I don't care.

I'm off for now. Happy Stranger Things Day.

[antiterf]

Hi again, same anon that sent the "I almost got murdered" ask. Small update on that situation, things are slowly getting better now, especially since I've been standing up to my mom a lot more and establishing my independence. I ended up dropping out of that school and switching to online entirely before covid because of racism, transphobia and unfair treatment so the girl that tried getting me killed wasn't able to interact with me much anymore (ended up going back to public school for a semester, nearly outed by my principal cus he was a...a predator 🤢 so I went back to online again). She did send me death threats on insta and stuff and did say stuff like "I'm gonna get you arrested for assault (false r-word claims in disturbing graphic detail and I'm native american and she's white s o you can imagine how that would've went-) you're not being fair to me. You don't care about my feelings." And a whole lotta bullshit claims of misogyny and internalized sexism cus I'd prefer to date a man (although I am bi) as well as identify as one atleast part of the time??? And I shut that shit down, said "You're right I don't care." and ended up blocking her ass so I haven't dealt with her since!

Nearly murdered anon once again I JUST remembered another experience with a terf I had AFTER that. Because apparently terfs don't think their behavior can be taken this far except in "special cases"

So I had a girlfriend for quite a bit, she was nice at first n shit but I knew she hung out in terf circles. Then I came out as trans. That's when the abuse actually started, she'd misgender me if I didn't do something she wanted knowing it'd give me a panic attack and put me at risk of self harm, she'd call me "a scared little girl who'd never be a man" when I pissed her off for god knows what reason, she'd misgender me when I was gushing about an attractive guy I saw but would get mad at me when I'd get even slightly jealous about her talking about how badly she wanted to rail her girl best friend when she'd NEVER talked about me that fondly. She'd demonize mlm attraction while gushing about wlw attraction constantly and try to "untrans" me when we were being sexual together. I'm not dating her now luckily (I have two v lovely bfs) but she still tries to pop up harassing me and insisting I'm a girl cus of my biology n shit and saying my boyfriends (both of which are trans as well but she doesn't know that-) would never see me as a dude or genderfluid. So yeah terfs encouraging this behavior in younger teenage girls in their community is a shitshow because these girls take that behavior to an EXTREME and entitlement driven level because the terf community doesn't specify any boundaries for this until they have to take accountability for encouraging this idiocy.

Imagine doing that shit to someone you think you like out of all things. I would hate to see the way she acts to people she doesn’t care about or god forbid hates.

Terfs honestly feel like they have a right to go up to a trans person and say anything if they won’t get caught for it. If anything when it comes to relationships like these I’ve seen telling parents and trying to convince them otherwise to be encouraged. They treat the person who has a trans friend like they’re a victim more than anything.

I’m sorry your ex treated you that way after you came out though, I’d be incredibly terrified of dating afterwards if that was my first experience. 

I hate when people decide that it’s okay to misgender or deadname a trans person when they’re pissed at them. Especially when they do it for small things like not taking out the trash or forgetting something.

The sexual thing is just god awful. I don’t know if you go through this but I’m more likely to get dysphoric during sex. There was one time where I was having sex and my partner fucked up and misgendered me and I started to feel sickly. So I don’t want to think about how it would be if someone was trying to actually get me to identify as cis again during sex.

[aphrogeneias]

omg okay so long story short I was a late bloomer emotionally and had my first real crush on this guy i intern with- like it was DEVASTATING- from 2019 to September '21. Like, told everyone about him, tried to ask him out but then covid, tried to patch things up when I moved back to the city etc etc.

We basically stopped talking during quarantine and I was GUTTED. Like, cry-in-the-car-i-just-bought, every-songs-about-you sad. I try and get over him multiple times and it doesn't really work bc I'd convinced myself he really did want me at some point. I was fully committed to him. I went out with another guy and only thought of him the whole time. Like, down bad. (1/2)

I FIND OUT FROM A MUTUAL FRIEND that they had talked MULTIPLE TIMES about him dating me (let's call him H). But there were four other girls he'd rather go out with first and "he was open to going out with me, but didn't want to *date* me, and knew I was the kind of girl you have to be in a relationship with."

Which was a fair assessment as I couldn't have shared him but it was HEARTBREAKING to know I was right and SO FRUSTRATING to know I would have given him anything and he didn't even want to consider committing to me so he just strung me along even though he knew I had feelings for him. (2/3)

anyway as soon as I learned that my illusion was shattered and now im just frustrated I spent TWO WHOLE YEARS pining for this guy when I was his fourth choice and he wouldn't have even been strong enough to commit. I've literally been so much happier now that I'm over him. But yeah, I related to that quote a lot lol (3/3)

miss ari, let me tell you... when i say i've been there, done that, i truly mean it lmao totally relate to "pining over someone for a long time just to be their second/third/fouth option and suffering because of it" situation

but honestly wtf was wrong with him, telling that to your friend? and that bullshit of "oh i would go out with her but not date her" like? you deserve better than this and i'm glad you're over him, no one deserves to go through all that for someone who barely cares about you

and he led you on!!! bestie i'm pissed off give me his address we're gonna have some words

[a-queer-query]

What the actual fuck.

No seriously. What is my provincial government doing.

Yes, the majority of covid cases (currently) in my province are amongst unvaccinated people. However, have these people not been looking at other provinces? They're doing the same shit, and they are going to shit.

My province, like others with higher case counts, has schools crowding their students into close quarters. My province, is barely enforcing the mask mandate. Hell! I've seen so many fucking people at my school with masks under their chin or basically always pulling their mask away from their face.

I don't care if my province has a decent vaccination rate. I don't care if I'm fully vaccinated. I can still be a carrier to covid. Especially if it's the delta variant. And that close contact stuff in the last line?

Let me tell you what's gonna be called a close contact. Someone sitting next to the person. Someone at the same table. Everyone in the classroom with said person should be a close contact, with all the moving around we have to do now, but that's not gonna happen is it.

And just because you're wearing a damn mask doesn't mean you can't catch covid. And hers the kicker. This applies to everyone, K-12. You cannot get a vaccine if you were born after 2009.

And they choose! To say this! Right now?? There is a parent at my school, making a ruckus that reached the news, about sueing my school division for making his daughters wear masks.

The last paragraph?

That's not gonna stop people like that.

Having teachers and EAs and custodians get tested if they're unvaccinated? Well, might help a little to keep K-12 students safe, but what about cases in that age group? You're not making them get tested are you?

Yeah I'm pissed rn. Tbh tho I've been pissed at my government since the start. They've elected a racist as the person who talks with the Native American people (I don't remember the name, forgive me.) They've been weeks late imposing lock downs, they only imposed a mask mandate once they realized they had to.

[caranfindel]

Recap/review 15.18: “Despair”

THEN: The key to Billie's library. Billie wants to become God. Cas made a deal with The Empty. Chuck absorbed Amara. Jack absorbed Adam's rib. Dean pointed a gun at Sam (DEAN POINTED A GUN AT SAM.) Chuck is pissed. Jack is going to explode.

NOW: We begin right where we left off last week, with Jack about to explode with God-killing power. Sam half-carries him into the map table room, Cas tells him to take deep breaths and focus, and Dean gets all panicky and is no help at all. Jack wants the guys to just leave him outside in order to minimize the damage when he goes kaboom. {Sidebar... how far away would he have to be, considering that his explosive power could kill God? Discuss.} Dean yells at Sam to find one of Rowena's spells (and oh, Sam as Rowena's apprentice; there's a plot that was sadly wasted, wasn't it?) but he's interrupted by Billie and her scythe, which she's carrying in a very obvious way. She's furious, and tells them the plan to destroy Chuck was doomed "because of you." Billie can't stop Jack's earth-shattering kaboom, "but there is something I can do." She sends him to the Empty. Empty!Meg cheerfully points out that he doesn't look so hot, but then he looks explosively hot. Ah, there's our earth-shattering kaboom!

Bunker. Billie explains that The Empty was the only option to absorb the impact of Jack the Bomb. And that he's not necessarily dead, because taking out Chuck and Amara was the part that was fatal, not actually being the bomb. Hmm. So Jack's point of no return wasn't actually a point of no return after all. It's kinda retconny, but not really? I've decided it's logical and I approve.

However, if the Empty survives, "it's gonna be pissed." Particularly at Billie. And it's very strong. Billie and Sam remind us that the Empty can only come to Earth if it's summoned. They do not get into the details of what constitutes a summoning, but I'm sure that isn't important. And Billie might be willing to bring Jack back, assuming he survived, but not until Sam returns what he took from her. Chuck's death book.

Sam immediately goes on the attack. He points out that she was planning to betray them from the start, leading to the deaths of all the AU refugees and everyone who was brought back from death, including him and Dean. "Even if I give you the book," he says, "what's to stop you from stabbing us in the back? Killing us all?"

"Nothing," Billie says. She gets up in Sam's face and tells him Jack won't last long. Either give her the book now, or lose him forever. (Can I just point out that Sam is still a little bloody from Dean punching him in the face? After he pointed a gun at him?)

Meanwhile, in the Empty, we discover that Jack is still alive (yay) and that this episode was directed by Richard Speight (yay). He is surrounded by particles that gradually form back into Empty!Meg. And, as predicted, she's pissed.

In the bunker, Sam brings the book to Billie, but ignores her outstretched hand and slams it onto the table instead. It's a pointless little burst of defiance and I love it.

Billie flips to the end to read the new ending of God's book, "since you ruined the last one." She seems to like what she reads. Sam says "Wait, the ends of your books change? So me killing Rowena was presented as unavoidable fate but it really wasn't necessary at all?" No, he actually doesn't. But I do, on his behalf. It's a pointless little burst of defiance. Over in the Empty, Empty!Meg grabs Jack's head and says "you made it loud!" and this is a conversation I've had with my dogs in the wee dark hours of the morning more times than I can count because we just want to SLEEP, GUYS but before she can actually crush his head, Billie zaps him back to the bunker.

Billie tells the guys that Jack is hers because he's still useful. Dean responds by grabbing her scythe and swinging at her. She flings him away, but she's wounded and bleeding light. Oh, and she dropped the book. Sam and Cas ignore Dean crumpled over against the wall - Cas runs to comfort Jack, and Sam runs to pick up the book. Unfortunately, he can't open it. Dean says "hey, thanks for not helping me, guys" and Sam says "oh, I'm sorry, I guess I'm still a little rattled from you punching me in the face after you pointed a gun at me." No, he doesn't. But I do, on his behalf.

Several people have pointed out how skinny Jared looks in these last few episodes, but this is the first time I've noticed it. It will be interesting to see how he looks in the two that were filmed after their Covid shutdown.

Time jump. Dean is sitting in the library, drinking whiskey. And I've said it a million times but I'll say it again - I could watch an entire episode that was just Dean drinking. And then it gets even better when Sam walks in wearing only a v-neck t-shirt. Single layer Sam alert, guys! How long has it been? Dean slides the bottle over to him and we get a little bonus hand porn and then this happens:

Sam, I'm sorry about... everything.

Dean, you don't have to -

I pulled a gun on you. It's like I just couldn't stop. You know, we were so close to beating him. Like, I could smell Chuck's blood in the water, and I - nothing else mattered. It was everything. And I just couldn't snap out of it.

Well, you did. You've snapped me out of worse.

Hmmm. Am I missing a time when Dean snapped Sam out of something? I mean, I know in Stull, Sam was able to overcome Lucifer because of Dean. But that was Sam snapping himself out of it. And Dean convinced Sam to give up the trials, but that wasn't Sam under anything that he needed to be "snapped out of." I think if you're going to give Dean credit for snapping himself out of it when confronted by his teary eyed, bloodied little brother, you have to give Sam credit for snapping himself out of his own situations.

It doesn't matter. All that matters is these two sitting quietly in the dark, drinking whiskey together.

Dean's feeling some despair (nice) because Billie wants them dead, Jack is powerless (oh, wait, when did that happen?), and Michael isn't answering his prayers. No one is on their side. "Well, we regroup, somehow," says Sam. They drink a sad little toast to "somehow," and I die a thousand deaths.

Billie's library. Billie stalks angrily through the stacks. A reaper informs her he put up warding to keep the Empty out, and asks if the plan has changed. Yes, it has.

Elsewhere, a woman we don't know is cooking some seriously dry scrambled eggs. She thinks she knows what she's doing, because she's explaining to someone else in the room how to cook eggs so they're "not too runny, not too dry" but seriously. Gordon Ramsay would be appalled. {Sidebar: Gordon's eggs actually look a bit too runny for my taste, and my family would refuse to eat them, but this lady's dry crumbly eggs are still an abomination.} She turns around and we see AU Charlie sitting at the kitchen table. Oh, Charlie has a girlfriend! Sweet. And she must be in love, because she tells this girlfriend that they're the best eggs she's ever had. And also, she's still hunting. Guess she didn't retire to a mountaintop after all. Probably because she couldn't get wifi. Anyway. Her girlfriend's plate crashes to the floor because her girlfriend abruptly disappeared. (Aw, her name was Stevie. Stevie and Charlie. How cute is that?)

Time jump. Charlie's apartment building is called Kim Manor. Nice.

As Sam runs the EMF meter (and there's a nice wordless conversation where Sam lets Dean know he didn't find anything), Charlie talks about how they met (thanks to AU Bobby) and how she experienced nothing when Stevie disappeared. No sulphur smell, no cold, nothing. Dean and Sam have another wordless conversation about what they think happened.

Dean and Sam explain that Billie wants to send all the AU people back to their now non-existent worlds. So Stevie was from AU World too? I guess that explains how AU Bobby knew her. Coincidentally, Sam's phone rings, and it's AU Bobby. They have an extremely short conversation in which Sam learns that another AU hunter simply vanished. And there's no explanation on Sam's end, just "yeah, I understand." So have they already talked to AU Bobby about the Billie situation? Or was Sam and Bobby's conversation literally "hey, a hunter vanished into thin air, how weird is that" and "yeah, I understand" with no further discussion? Anyway. Dean says it's open season on anyone from another world (aw, sorry, Winchesters in Brazil), anyone who came back from the dead, and Sam gets a horrified look on his face and says "Eileen." Oh shit!

Meanwhile, out by the Impala, in broad daylight, Jack tells Cas that he feels strange because the plan failed and his destiny was averted. "I was ready to die, and I wanted to - for Sam, for Dean, for the world - I wanted to make things right. And now I don't know why I'm even here." OF COURSE HE LISTED SAM FIRST. Cas tells him he didn't need absolution from anyone, and that they care about him not because of his usefulness, but just because he's him. Somewhere Dean says "um, wait." Jack is scared because he's powerless and can't protect anyone. Cas is too. So, did Jack lose his powers after the earth shattering kaboom? Or earlier, and I just wasn't paying attention?

Nighttime. Dean speeds down the road as Sam texts Eileen. I don't know where Eileen is, but she must be pretty far away from Kim Manor. Sam told her to get out of her house, go somewhere public, and wait by her car. Now, I cover the guest star credits, so I don't know if Shoshanna is in this episode. But even unspoiled, I'm pretty sure she's not going to be there when they arrive. She starts to type a response, as evidenced by the bubbles, but then stops responding. Yep, just as I thought, no one is standing by her car. Sam finds her phone on the ground, cracked as if it were dropped (like, say, by someone who disappeared while holding it) and LOOK AT HER LOCKSCREEN. LOOK AT IT.

Some will say this is just the photo that pops up when Sam texts her but they are WRONG. This is her FREAKING LOCK SCREEN, PEOPLE.

Anyway. He sees the unfinished message she was writing, which says she's by her car. Aw, Sam. Dean tries to talk to him and he says "I can't - if I let myself go there, I'll lose my mind, I can't right now."

Aw, SAM!

Sam compartmentalizes his grief and jumps into take-care-of-everyone mode. He says they need to gather everyone together, and they need to find a location central to everyone. Well, I mean, there is one place I know of that is literally the central most point in the United States, maybe you could go there? It's supposed to be secure from all things supernatural, too. Dean says that while Sam is going that, he is going to go end what he started. OH, GOOD. I WAS HOPING THEY WOULD SPLIT UP. "We couldn't make Chuck pay, but Billie? She left her blade. Her I can kill." Hey, wouldn't be the first time. Sam agrees, Cas says he'll go with Dean, and we get a brother hug. Once again, Dean does the two things I love when he hugs Sam: 1. he puts his arms on top, as if he were still the taller brother, and b. he looks away and packs up his emotions before he lets Sam see his face after the hug. "Let's go, Cas," he says. "Let's go reap a reaper." Cas turns and follows without saying anything at all to Sam or Jack, but I'm sure that won't be an issue.

Time jump - it's daytime. Sam's on the phone with Donna, who is standing outside her truck (but didn't she used to have a big black SUV?) at that bridge we've seen so many times. She's sending him to "the old Harmon property," which should be just what he's looking for because it has an abandoned silo. I mean, I wouldn't jump immediately to abandoned silo, but maybe there weren't any abandoned warehouses around. She says it's in Hastings, just south of her, and if you think I didn't confirm that the town of Hastings is in fact about 30 minutes south of Stillwater, Minnesota then you just don't know me at all.

Sam is at a gas station and oh, he's driving Eileen's car! That's not heartbreaking at all. I guess she didn't have her keys in her pocket when she disappeared. (Hah, like Sam Winchester needs keys.) Donna and AU Bobby are rounding up everyone they can think of. She asks what the plan is, and Sam bends down creepily to look at Jack in the passenger seat and says "I'm still working on that." I mean, I know they keep telling us Jack lost his powers, but the way Sam looks at him right here certainly suggests Jack is part of the plan, and maybe not in a good way. (Spoiler alert: seriously, why do I even bother.)

Sam comes around to Jack's window and tells him he needs him to drive, because Sam needs to work on archives and spells and stuff. And is that true, or is this just "I don't expect you to live through this part so I want to let you have some time behind the wheel of Eileen's 1970 Plymouth Valiant?" (At least that's what The Husband thinks it is.)

Bunker. Enter Dean and Cas. Dean declares that if Billie isn't in her library, they'll just trash the place to "smoke her out." It's an interesting choice of words.

Foreshadowing Dean as the new Death? (Remember, I'm completely unspoiled. I know nothing.)

Silo. Let's stick to this location for now. Sam and Jack pull up and are greeted by Donna. Jack goes inside to set up the warding, and Donna gives Sam a nice hug.

I want to be there.

She tells him she's sorry about Eileen and gets one of his sad little nods that I love so much. Bobby is already here, and she name-drops Garth and Jody and the girls, saying they're on "high alert." Sam tells her they're not on Billie's list, so they should be safe. And so should Donna. Well, that's good to know. Sam's surprised to see Charlie pull up. She tells him "I just don't want this to happen to anyone else." I don't know what you think you're going to be able to do, Charlie, but okay.

Turns out the silo is actually a Tardis, so I guess maybe it was a good choice. It's huge on the inside, and is also more finished than any silo I've ever been in (which is, okay, one silo, but still.) The interior is already heavily warded. Several people are milling about. {Sidebar: How many hunters were away from the bunker when Michael attacked, and why have none of them returned?} Bobby tells Sam that as soon as the hunters heard he wanted them there, they came running. "Whether you like it or not, you're the big man here." Hey, I wonder if the guy who called him Chief is here. Bobby, being a man after my own heart, is mostly concerned about the bathroom situation. Sam hopes they won't be there long enough for it to be an issue. He has a spell from Rowena (!) that should boost the strength of the wards, but that's all he has. Bobby doesn't look very reassured, and glances in a foreshadowy way at a family with kids. Sam looks around at all of these people he feels responsible for and takes a deep breath and oh, my heart.

Donna and Jack are painting more wards. Jack bends down to look at a plant, and Donna comes up to him and says "I'm no expert on this hoodoo stuff, but best we patch that up, yeah?" and I don't know what the hell she's talking about. What is this plant disturbing? Jack reaches out to touch the plant and it withers away as his hand gets close. Friends, I'm pretty sure this is a bad sign. Jack is too. He stares at his hand, and if he'd been watching a few seasons ago, he would have noticed that plants did the same thing when Amara touched them. Coincidence???

Later we see everyone watch as Sam recites the spell. (Yes, it's hot. Do you even have to ask?) The sigils glow red briefly and then fade, and the music turns ominous and I think this means his boost failed. But I guess not, because Sam says now they wait. But they don't have to wait long, because suddenly one of the children dissolves into smoke. One by one, all of the AU people dissolve like they've been snapped by Thanos. Charlie runs up to Sam and says "Sam, what do we do" just like Maggie did, and just like Maggie she's taken out immediately. Sam watches in horror as AU Bobby smokes out. He turns to Donna, who says "Mr. Stark, I don't feel so good," and then Donna is gone! Crap! Jack and Sam are left staring at the empty-except-for-them silo.

One more serving of despair, coming right up.

On to the other side.

Dean enters Billie's library, brandishing the scythe. Cas follows, bearing only a hangdog expression. Dean motions for him to go one direction and Dean goes the other, soon finding Billie. He thinks he's sneaking up behind her, but she says "So, I guess this is the part where I say hello boys. Hello, boys." Oh, I was wrong; Cas has his angel blade. Billie snarks about Dean's bad aim, and he says he wasn't trying to kill her then (which seems like a lie), but he is now, because of what she's doing to his people. Billie slams him against the wall again. She chokes Cas Darth Vader-style from a distance, and then the old fashioned way. "Remember when you stabbed me in the back?" she says. "Because I do." Oh, that's funny, because earlier Sam said she was going to stab them in the back. She should have said "like you stabbed me?"

Dean comes to the rescue by poking her with the blunt end of the scythe rather than the pointy end, so maybe she was right about his bad aim. Then he gets the blade against her throat (but still not the sharp end, just the back) and demands that she stop killing his friends. She says she didn't - it was Chuck. And Dean's wasting time.

I'm considering it time well spent, because it looks so nice.

Billie tells Dean the injury he gave her earlier is something she can't recover from - she's going to die. She pulls away her coat to show him a nasty festering wound, and I wonder why something so physical would kill her, but. Eh. She tells him she doesn't care about his friends or family. "But seeing you here has reminded me of something. There is one thing I'd like. One wish before I go. I'd like to see you dead." She grabs her scythe back, flings the boys around, and slowly stalks toward them. Dean and Cas rush through the door back into the bunker.

Dean is panicky again, trying to figure out what to do next. He's suddenly struck down by chest pain, and I expect to see someone sticking a knife (or a scythe) in his back, but it's actually Billie doing it Darth Vader-style again. Cas drags him away as Billie monologues. "It's you, Dean; it's always been you. Death-defying. Rule-breaking. You are everything I lived to set right. To put down. To tame. You are human disorder incarnate." Yeah, we know, Dean's awesome. We get this speech every season.

Cas and Dean end up in the dungeon storeroom. Cas gets Dean's knife out of his pocket and cuts his own hand to paint a sigil on the door. It looks like an angel banishing sigil, but apparently it block's Billie's power. Not permanently, though, because it fades as she pounds on the door. Cas says that since the wound is killing her, they just have to wait her out.

Yeah, and if we can't?

Then we fight.

We'll lose. I just led us into another trap. All because I couldn't hurt Chuck. Because I was angry, and because I just needed something to kill, and because that's all I know how to do.

Dean.

It was Chuck all along. We never should have left Sam and Jack. We should be there with them now.

Yes you should, Dean, you really really should. Dean is practically drowning in despair, which, you know. Is a good thing. 10/10 would recommend. "She's gonna get through that door," he tells Cas. "And she's gonna kill you, and then she's gonna kill me. I'm sorry."

"Wait, there is one thing she's afraid of," Cas says. "There's one thing strong enough to stop her." He tells Dean about the deal he made to save Jack in the Empty.

Friends, I'm going to do you a favor. If you haven't seen the episode, and aren't planning to watch the episode, I want you to read this paragraph and then skip down until you see the pretty picture of Dean. And start reading after that picture. Trust me. So, Cas summons the Empty just as Billie breaks down the door. The Empty kills Billie, but she also takes Cas. Dean is saved but Cas is gone.

{Sigh. Can I skip this part? No, I owe it to you.}

Cas explains that the Empty was going to come snatch him away as soon as he experienced a moment of true happiness. But happiness isn't having, happiness is knowing. And Dean is wonderful and "Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for love." You just threatened to shoot your little brother for love, for example. Cas is teary eyed and Dean looks confused as hell and I pause the TV and turn to The Husband and we have this conversation:

I don't think I can watch this.

Why, because it's so sappy?

No, because I think they're going to kiss.

What? Why would they kiss? Is there something I'm missing?

Because part of the fandom WANTS them to kiss, and there's this group of fans that are super obnoxious about it, and they harass the actors and the writers and I think now the show thinks EVERYBODY wants them to kiss. Even though the guy who plays Dean* says it would never happen. Because I know he wasn't happy about the way the show ended, and I'm afraid this is why he wasn't happy.

...

I don't think they're gonna kiss.

If they do, I'm done.

*The Husband is not on a first name basis with Jensen.

So, let me point out that The Husband, who watches this show the way a normal human being watches a show (i.e., doesn't interact with the fandom at all), had absolutely NO expectation that they would kiss. Anyway, with some trepidation, I push play again. And Cas is still going. Dean is the most caring, selfless, loving human being on earth (OH GOD MAKE IT STOP) and knowing him has changed Cas.

Why does this sound like a goodbye?

Because it is. I love you.

Don't do this, Cas.

We see a black blob materialize behind Dean, because even though the Empty can only come to Earth if it's summoned, there it is. And I could argue about whether Cas being happy actually summoned the damn thing but I've already lost the will to live, so instead I'm going to describe to you how I watched in horror, with my finger hovering over the pause button, as Cas reached out to Dean and put his hand on his shoulder. But he just pushed him out of the way. Thank you baby Jesus. Billie breaks the door down as the Empty slurps into the dungeon. It surrounds Cas and Billie and sucks them into its depths. Dean is left alone. Oh, and he has a bloody palm print on his jacket from Cas grabbing his shoulder. I guess someone did watch a little bit of older seasons after all. Hard to tell sometimes.

I mean, at least he looked good, right?

Back at the silo. I've decided it must be mostly underground and isn't a grain silo like I thought. So what kind of silo do Yankees have that's mostly underground? Anyway. Jack and Sam emerge, having failed catastrophically at their mission. Sam is trying to call Dean, who isn't answering. He looks mildly panicky. "Sam?" Jack says, a little shaky. "Was it just them?"

OH CRAP. I didn't even think of that possibility.

"I don't know," Sam says, also shaky. And as we see an empty gas station and playground, it really looks like it wasn't just them at all. Sam and Jack look at each other, alone and terrified. And back in the bunker's dungeon, Dean's phone rings. It's Sam. He doesn't answer.

Despair!

So. You know how sometimes something really good will happen in an episode? And I'll say, no matter how bad this episode is, this 90 seconds makes it worth it? Well, sometimes the opposite happens. Sometimes you get a two or three minute scene - a horribly written, badly acted scene - and it's so awful that it ruins an episode. A season. A show. I'm angry that the showrunners pandered to a small, noisy minority of fans to throw something into the show that most fans didn't want and didn't help the story at all. I'm annoyed that, once again, Dean is put up on an embarrassingly overwrought pedestal. I'm kind of amused that they did this in the worst way possible. Cas's love was unrequited (unless they screw that up in the next episode), Misha's acting caused so much secondhand embarrassment that I had a hard time watching again, and from what I see on Tumblr, half of the Destihellers are furious because "Dean is a homophobe." Which is bullshit. Not returning someone's romantic affection isn't homophobia. It's consent. (I know... on this show? Ha ha.)

{Sidebar: If "Destiel" means the characters have mutual feelings for each other, doesn't this mean Destiel is not, in fact, canon? I mean, it was already so badly written that one could argue Cas wasn't proclaiming romantic love, but just a life-changing experience thanks to one human. Discuss.}

But I need to stop thinking about it. I can't - if I let myself go there, I'll lose my mind, I can't right now.

And this wasn't even the Buckleming episode, friends. There is probably a Buckleming episode left.

I got so distracted by this nonsense that I almost forgot to talk about the Jack situation. So here's how I feel about that. I love Jack as a character. I love him as someone the Winchesters could lose (Basically, someone to stuff in the fridge? Why not.) But I don't want him to be one of them. I don't want Jack's story to be treated as if it were as important as the Winchester's story. Just like I didn't want Cas to have his own plots. I want it always, always to come down to Sam and Dean.

Anyway, I'm sure I'll have more to say. But for right now, all I'm saying is this: I pledge to stick with this show, to stick with fanworks, no matter how badly they fuck up the landing. But guys, you don't have to try so hard to fuck it up.

Two to go. As always, help me stay unspoiled, including casting info and episode titles.