#if i lose this post in the future we know it wasnt meant to be

[xxwritemeastoryxx]

WIP Purge

Where my untouched and forgotten work in progress goes to the trash bin. But before they meet their demise, I figured I'd show you what is being tossed and give my thoughts on them before they never see the sunshine again.

However, if in the future a part of me feels like I can go back to it, this is the post where it will be saved. Unless tumblr eats my tags and I never find it again after this is posted.

ANYWAYS! From what I can tell, no major warnings are needed for what is below the cut. Please note that this is in fact a very long post filled with commentary that is either ramblings, me occasionly giving thoughts in bold mid wip to address things, and so on.

This is mostly for you guys to see what could have been as well as some comedy. If you have any thoughts on these, please feel free to comment on them. I really want to know what you guys think.

Have fun! And thank you for participating in this purge.

Eyes On Me

If I'm not mistaken this had been a request that just fell through the cracks before I had my breakdown. This one was from when I first started attempting to write for MCU characters. I tried going back and rereading and replanning this fic, but everything I tried to do didn't work. So it sat there unfinished. Maybe one day I'll come back and give Druig another try.

I need you to come back to me.

The words may have been rushed and loud to anyone that had been close by but to Y/N she couldn’t even hear them. Her mind blocking out the words in one way or another. Images flashed before her eyes. Ones that she’d hardly recognized but felt oh so familiar to her.

I don’t want to hurt you. Come back.

The words were muffled in comparison to the chaos that echoed within Y/N’s ears. The screams of the scared and injured only gripped the hold on Y/N tighter that it felt like she couldn’t breathe. Death and destruction louder than the calming words that were being attempted to bring her back from the madness that was consuming her.

What Y/N didn’t know was (What didn't she know?!?! Cause I sure as hell don't remember lmao. )

“She’s struggling.” He said as he shook his head. “One moment she’s fine and she can fight it off, but in the next it’s like-” He couldn’t find the right words to explain the battle Y/N would lose with herself. Druig’s mind only comes up with the smallest comparison to Thena that very night in Tenochtitlan.

“As if she is stuck in between the past and the present.” Gilgamesh said with a nod in understanding. “You grow worried with how long she’ll be able to fight it off before you’re fighting her to come back to you.” His eyes landed on Thena as she brought a glass up to her lips and took a drink. “Some days it is as easy as telling her a few words, and other days it takes a while to break through to her.”

They both watched as Y/N and Thena began to toss their heads back in laughter at whatever was said in their conversation. The details were unknown to the men, but it was something that had actually brought a smile to both of their faces. The two women had been close before they all had gone their separate ways.

Thena only ever laughed that hard when Y/N was around. And it was only ever Thena that could ever get Y/N to be still for longer than five minutes. Though over time Y/N had been able to adapt and be content with boredom, it was then that both Druig and Gilgamesh had seen how calm Y/N was.

“What caused it?” Gilgamesh asked a moment later.

“We take trips when she needs them.” Druig began. “Staying in one spot gets to her at times. She chose the destination not knowing what to expect, it had been centuries since she had last visited. When we arrived, we were met with war among the civilians. She killed ten humans before I was able to get through to her.”

I REALLY REALLY loved the relationship between the reader and Thena. I really wanted that sibling relationship between them, and it just sucks that my brain refuses to make this fic work.

—--------

Untitled Shower Thoughts

Legit, if you looked at the doc name it's what the name of it is. I had an idea mid-shower for this particular scene but for the life of me, I cannot remember what it was for. But it was going to be angsty apparently. I don't even know what character was supposed to be used for this one either.

"What changed?"

There was a time that I felt peace with you by my side. I never went without and you showed me what it was like to be loved. But it wasn't me who changed. " She shook her head slightly. "You left. Maybe not physically but you weren't here with me. Together, I longed for the peace we had, the longing hurt. And the days you were on a mission, I felt peace."

For a moment she believed that as she said the words there would be some kind of ache in her chest. Some guilt at falling out of love for him. Some anger at him for leaving as he always did, even when she asked him to stay. All she felt was as if she was talking to an old friend she hadn't seen in a while. He may not have admitted to himself, but Y/N knew he has left long before she even began to feel lonely.

—--------

ONLY WITH YOU

All I know was this was supposed to be a request that I couldn't bring myself to finish before I did a 'reset.' It was going to be one of those 'Everyone lives in the Avengers Tower' fics and I cant remember what it was that made me not want to finish it. Maybe it was the fact that in my notes for this, that this was supposed to be tooth rotting fluff and the tooth rotting stuff I couldn't get my brain to focus on.

When Y/N first officially met Loki, she had just returned from a mission she had been on for the last few weeks. Just like many had, she had witnessed the events of New York first hand. While she hadn’t fought him face to face like some of the others, she had been happy to see the man in cuffs and being taken back to Asgard. And when the news began to spread that the Asgardian would be returning to New York, she was against it. An agreement had been made and she wasn’t the only one who shared the same views.

By the time she returned, the team had already gone through the motions of being on standby for Loki’s arrival. He and Thor had taken up residency on one of the floors of Avengers Tower for a whole week before Y/N returned. And when she met the God of Mischief….

{Insert details things} (What details cause none of it is happening)

In the end, Y/N left with tears of frustration in her eyes. Minutes after leaving the room she volunteered herself for the next mission even though she had just gotten back. Anything to put some space between them after an interaction like that one.

Months had come and gone with Y/N doing what she could to avoid Loki. While at first it had been out of anger and hatred, now it had been mostly for the sake of giving him whatever space he needed. To allow him to adjust to a life not only on Earth, but working to be a part of the Avengers.

Y/N knew this wasn’t easy for anyone. Not when there was an occasional throwing New York in Loki’s face from time to time. Most of the Avengers were on high alert with Loki around. And when he was put on missions, chaos usually ensued when some of them felt as though they couldn’t turn their backs on him. Even Y/N had been guilty of doing the same when they first started going on missions together.

It wasn’t until their next mission together that something seemed to change between the two.

When Y/N woke up in the med bay, she wasn't surprised to see the familiar faces of Natasha or even Steve talking as they sat beside her bed. What she had been surprised by was Loki standing by the entryway to her little sectioned off room. There was a look of relief on his face as he watched her eyes open and watched as her eyes focused on him. He gave her a slight nod of his head before turning and walking away.

“How long have I been out?” She asked a moment later as she ran her hand along her forehead. There was an echo of an ache that was currently making it’s presence known the longer she was awake.

“Almost two weeks.” Steve said as he leaned forward in his chair.

“We weren’t sure how much longer we could take you not being around.” Natasha said jokingly as she laid out the blanket on top of Y/N. “Some more than others couldn’t leave your side.”

“That someone being you?” Y/N asked as she looked over at Natasha with a small smile pulling at her lips.

Natasha chuckled. “Someone actually has me beat.” She noted before looking towards the entryway.

While Loki wasn’t there anymore, Y/N knew exactly who Natasha had been talking about. If she hadn’t seen Loki there when she first woke up, she wasn’t sure if she’d believe what Natasha was telling her.

Y/N’s eyebrow raised slightly. “Really?”

“He only leaves your side when someone else comes to visit you.” Steve added. “I’ll admit when he carried you in, we weren’t exactly accepting of the idea.”

“We had no idea what was going on after your coms went out

I really wish I had finished this one. But I also think the lack of interaction with my Loki fics just depresses me and I think that's a reason that I've kind of stopped writing things for him. Bummer I know.

—---------

Untitled Elijah Fluff

Apparently I can't finish the fluffy things my brain tries to come up with.

For the first time in quite some time, things had been quiet. Threats didn’t come and go as frequently or there was no need to be constantly looking over their shoulders for something that may or may not be coming after them. And for once The Mikaelson family could easily let their guard down and actually enjoy life.

Klaus, Hope and Hayley had found themselves on a family trip across Europe. All of it as educational as they could make it while letting Hope take in other parts of the world. A chance for her to grow and learn things that only HaYley or Klaus could teach her as the hybrids they were.

As for the rest of the Mikaelsons, they stayed put in New Orleans in hopes of making the city better. A chance to unite the factions and make the city thrive in a way that it never had before. And it was working for the most part. Even they knew that not everything would run smoothly while attempting to make things better.Nothing ever more than they could handle in the process. Not when the leaders of the factions were moving to make the same peace the Mikaelsons wanted.

Y/N and Elijah had been lounging in the study. Each of them with a book in their hands. While Elijah was catching up on his reading, Y/N had been reading a grimoire that had been passed down to her. It had been the first time she had actually sat down and went through it.

There was a time Y/N had believed her family had lost the grimoire years before she had become of age. After facing their last threat, Y/N found it among the ruins of her family home. It took her some time before she actually decided to crack open the book and peek at the pages. But once she had, she didn’t regret it.

The pages had been filled with spells and details that she hadn’t believed were possible. Spells such as these ones should be hoped to keep out of the wrong hands. And as she flipped through the pages, she would seal the page with a spell making it only visible to those with the best intentions of using the spell.

But in the last hour, her eyes had been glued to a spell that occupied one of the pages. The design on the page had been intricate. Words covered the page in a language she wasn’t sure she could even pronounce, let alone read in that moment. But it was the images that were drawn on the page that held her attention.

Vines grew up along the page towards the top of it. A handful of seeds drawn as if it had been the one to drop the seeds into the ground that allowed the vines to grow and thrive. Intertwined in the vines had a few different images of life.

Y/N stared at the spell in front of her. She must have read and reread it several times since she had found it. Her eyebrows furrowed as she translated on the page for the millionth time trying to make sure she had in fact translated the spell correctly.

With each word that came out the same each time, excitement rose within her. For each word that had gotten her mind to click in the correct order, it made her heart race. And when she got to the very last word, a gasp passed her lips at the realization of what she found.

"What is it?" Elijah asked from across the room.

He had been watching her for the last several minutes. He had watched as she had been so focused on the page in front of her that she hadn't even heard him speak to her moments before. With every tilt of her head and every purse of her lips as she worked on it.

Y/N's head shot up at his words. The first time she registered his voice in a while. She could see the curious look on Elijah's face and all she could do was smile at him. She couldn't even make the words form that were wanting to be said. She didn't know how to say them without getting anyone's hopes up.

Not with this. Not with the potential to bring a new life into the world. Where loopholes can be had. Someone in her family was crazy enough to do it. She just needed someone other than the love of her life to be the first one to hear it.

She gave him a smile as she got up from her seat, the book closing with her pointer finger holding its place. She walked over to him, before leaning in and giving him a kiss on the cheek.

"I promise to explain later." She said before standing straight. "I just need to talk to your sister before anything."

"Freya isn't here." He said with a raised brow as he watched her begin to turn and walk out of their study.

"I never said I needed Freya." She said as she looked over her shoulder at him before leaving the room altogether.

Elijah shook his head and chuckled as he heard her feet pick up as she rushed to find Rebekah. As she did, there was a flicker of hope that ignited within him. If this was the spell he believed it to be, things would surely change around there for the better.

—---

Enchanted

This fic had notes to be a song fic to Taylor Swift. But I have no idea where the hell I was going with this fic. I think reader was supposed to have her memories compelled away and the familiarity of things was supposed to trigger something to remembering her first night meeting Elijah. But once again, I can't get my brain to want to come back to this one.

"You seem rather uninterested to be here." The voice was familiar in a way that Y/N couldn't help but turn around rather quickly, her drink almost spilling over the rim as she turned.

The moment she had turned, there was no recognition of the person who spoke moments before. Even as her eyes wandered over the man before her in the three-piece suit. His brown eyes took in her appearance just as she had, but there was a gleam in his eyes that had screamed at Y/N that he was familiar with her. As if he knew her more intimately than she believed.

She quickly shook the thoughts from her head, before giving him a small smile. "Unfortunately any time I'm dragged to an event such as this one, I tend to grow bored with it halfway through the night. Attend one and you've seen all of them."

That caused a small smirk to pull at the man's lips. The smirk itself had caused something to stir within Y/N, but the source of it all was still buried deep within her. Something that she was questioning more as the minutes passed.

"And what of our hosts?" He asked curiously as he tucked one hand into his pant’s pocket. "I'm sure they'd be worried if a benefactor such as yourself was uninterested in this get-together."

"The Salvatores have the city's best interest at heart." Y/N knew that was a lie. She knew that it was the farthest from the truth. That this party was nothing more than to reach into the deep pockets of the benefactors of the city to ensure their organization was continuously thriving. "My continuous contributions don't mean they are aiming to please their guests once boredom strikes."

The smirk tugged at his lips for another brief moment before it left his lips altogether. The way her heartbeat had quickened had told him she was lying. Even if it was the tiniest of lies, he rather enjoyed that she even disliked the Salvatores' actions in their business.

"What if I could persuade you to turn your contributions to another organization that pull\ their efforts towards what the vampires of the community actually want?" His eyes never left hers as he said the words.

As she took in the words, they held familiarity, as if they had this exact conversation before. A small smirk had pulled at her lips. "And how do you intend to persuade me?"

He chuckled before his attention had been caught by the change of music playing. He tilted his head towards the dance floor before holding his hand out to her. Her eyebrow raised as she observed his hand.

"Give me this dance to provide all the information you need to make a decision. And if you decide to hear more, we can take our conversation elsewhere."

After a moment, she nodded her head before placing her hand in his. "One dance. You better start talking."

A small smirk pulled at the corner of his lips as he began to lead her towards the dancefloor. Once a spot had been occupied, he spun Y/N before bringing her towards him and taking her free hand.

—-----

Untitled Mafia based Series

Let me tell you. I really wanted to dive into another Series with Elijah. But the amount of Series I had going on with that man was bad at the time. So I kind of put it on the back burner and then it never got finished. Maybe one day.

Y/N’s fingers were quickly tapping away on her keyboard. Her eyes watched as each word formed on the screen, making sure there had been no mistakes. The sooner she got this story done, the sooner she could leave the office and go pick up Elijah from the airport. While his flight wasn't due to land for several hours, she was anxious and excited for him to come home.

(Insert the shit ton of space that was in between things)

Y/N leaned against the door frame looking into the study. She watched as Elijah read a book as he sat in his favorite chair. A smile played on her lips just watching him sitting there. They had been through a lot recently and seeing him relaxed for the first time in a while was a nice sight. “Hey.” She said to get his attention.

Elijah looked up from the book, a smile growing on his face as he saw her. “Hey.” He responded back. He closed his book and placed it on the stand by his chair before standing up. “Is everything alright?”

She smiled and entered the room walking towards him. “Everything is fine.” She said with a nod as she stopped right in front of him. “Actually I'd say everything is perfect.” She placed her hand on his cheek. “You are home, we are safe, and we are together.”

Even though Y/N's words made him smile. She was wrong. There was still plenty of dangers that lurked in the shadows. Many of them were on the brink of making their moves and Elijah knew it was only a matter of time before he had to leave Y/N again. In fact it was just a few short days away. A sigh passed his lips as he ran his hand through her hair. “I won't be home for long.” He admitted.

“But your brother can handle this.” Y/N said shaking her head. “You just got back.” Her voice broke at the end.

“I know I did.” Elijah said knowing that his departure would make things worse for Y/N. “But Klaus isn't going to be able to do this on his own.”

Y/N shook her head again as tears began to fill her eyes. “I can't bare the thought of you being shot at again. You were supposed to come home and stay home.”

“I have to do this, Y/N/N” He said placing his hands on her cheeks hoping he could get her to understand. “This is the last time. We take out the Salvatores once and for all and then we will be able to live in peace.”

“What's to stop anyone from picking up where they left off?” Y/N asked worried. “Nothing will change if you do this.”

“Nothing will change if we don't do anything.” Elijah shook his head. “It won't stop. They killed Henrik and attempted to kill me all because Klaus went after one of their properties. What will happen if we leave them be?” Elijah couldn't even think of the possibilities but her had to get Y/N to understand. “If we don't do this now, what is to stop them from coming after the rest of my siblings or even you?” He shook the images from his head as he moved one hand away from her cheek. “I wouldn't be able to live with myself if anything happened to you.”

Y/N looked down at her feet for a moment before looking back at him. She didn't want to tell him like this. She didn't want to say it just because he was leaving but he needed to know. “It wouldn't just be me anymore that you'd have to worry about.”

“What do you mean?” Elijah asked with a raised brow.

“I hoped that I'd be able to tell you with us celebrating you were home and staying home,” she sighed slightly. “but you need to know before you leave again. I'm pregnant.”

-_-_-_

“Y/N is pregnant?” Klaus asked as he looked at Elijah.

Elijah nodded. “She was hoping to tell me with a private celebration that I'd be staying home. Instead we started arguing and in the middle of it, she told me.”

“And you wish to be with her instead of being here.” Klaus noted.

“Of course I would.” Elijah said with a nod. “She kept it to herself for a month while I had been recovering in hopes that after everything I had been through it would help keep me from coming back “

“And yet you wanted to come back and help me handle things.” Klaus sighed. “You do realize if they find out about her pregnancy they could use that against us.”

“You think I don't know that? That is all I have thought about since she had told me. Word of this gets to them and it will be her they take next. This child is the next generation for us.”

“An heir to our Kingdom.” Klaus noted. “The Salvatores won't take kindly knowing that.”

“Precisely why I asked her to go stay with her parents. If she is out of the country until this over she'll be safe.”

Klaus shook his head. “Sending her to England doesn't make this go away.”

“No but keeping her out of their grasps for now is all I need.

_-_-_-_-_-_

“How is that wife of yours?” Damon asked as he sat across from Elijah. “I heard she was in England. Is there already trouble in paradise?’

“She is visiting family.” Elijah noted. “We are fine. I would have joined her on her visit but there was business to attend to.”

“Right.” Damon said as he smirked a little. “I only ask because my cousin saw her out while she was visiting as well.” The words alone had caused Elijah to stiffen. “She seemed rather upset about something. not to mention my cousin also mentioned she saw Y/N and her mother walk into a maternity store.”

“You know women these days.” Klaus said hoping to give Elijah a moment to collect his thoughts before doing something he'd regret. “They like to imagine what it would be like by walking through stores.”

My notes had a lot of details. Such as how this would begin along with how Elijah had gotten injured. Yet any time I went back an read through to try and get my brain going, nothing helped.

---------

KLAUS SOULMATE AU

First of all I have no idea how this one hasn't been done, because I absolutely love soulmate AUs. And this is whereit makes me a bit sad that I couldn't finish this one.

"It's her isn't it?" Rebekah said as she came to stand beside Klaus.

Klaus had never taken his eyes off of the woman. His head nodded in confirmation. "It is."

"Then why aren't you down there introducing yourself to her?" She asked. "The last time she had been reincarnated you let her go without so much as a word to her."

Klaus looked over at his sister. "And she lived a long and happy life. The first one she's had in all of the times she'd been reborn. I can't risk it."

"We will keep her safe." Rebekah tried. She knew how much Klaus had wanted to be with his soulmate. But the world was cruel in the ways that Klaus had lost her time and time again.

"Have you forgotten that it always by yours or even our brothers' hands that she dies?" His eyes narrowed at her before returning to looking down at the street.

The woman had stopped at booth with dozens of boquets of flowers. Klaus watched as her eyes looked over the arrangements before a small smile pulled at her lips. Klaus knew exactly what her favorite and a small smile of his own formed as he watched her grab them and pay the vendor.

"This time will be different." She said placing her hand on Klaus's shoulder. "We wont interfere, we wont even speak with her."

"The last time that happened, our brother used her to prove a point." Klaus noted, not taking his eyes off the woman.

"Kol is in a different country, he wouldn't be able to play his games." She wanted to try anything. They were all fortunate to have their soulmates in their life, except for Klaus.

"No." He shook his head. "She'll live a full life this time around just as she had previously."

_____

Untitled Crossover fic

I always love challenges, trust me, I really do and I was ready to take this one full on. But I couldn't figure out how to make this one work. And that also makes me sad. So have a bit of a fic that would have been interesting but will never happen.

Her heart felt like it was hitting aginst her ribs as it beat quickly. The blade of the knife only centimeters away from her neck. Dean hesitating the moment she stepped in the way. She watched as her brother glared at her.

"What the hell are you doing?" Dean's voice raised as he dropped his arm, ensuring the knife was away from her.

"Stopping you." She said as heart calmed in the slightest. But she didn't dare relax. Not right now, not when she needed to make things better.

"Move, Y/N." His voice held finality. He had expected his sister to move out of the way and let him finish this. The fact that she had stepped in moments before his blade would have come in contact with the vampire's neck made his blood boil.

She was protecting the vampire that stood behind her. And it proved to him every horrible thought that had been going through his mind the last several weeks when he couldn't get ahold of her. How vague she was on the phone when she finally did answer.

Y/N should have known better. She knew she shouldn't have kept this from any of them for so long. She should have been honest from the beginning. Not the quick and vague text she sent to her brothers or the vague answers she gave Elijah about her family. But she had pictured doing things differently and this wasn't it.

"I'm not moving." She said as she stayed in her place. Even as Elijah attempted to pull her a step or two back to give the hunter some space, she refused to move. "Let it go, Dean. There's no one to fight here"

Even as she said the words, her eyes shifted over to Sam who had just entered the room. There was a look of confusion on his face as he took in the situation.

"You should listen to her." Elijah's voice was calm. If anything, Y/N could pick up on the slight annoyance in his words.

_____

Untitled Bucky fic

Yeah I have no idea where this one was going. I don't even know what the whole plot was for this. My notes have nothing.

"Trouble in Paradise?"

Y/N shook her head quickly and looked over at Sam. "Um, quite possibly. Bucky has been-" She let out a sigh. "He's closed himself off again and I can't seem to get him to open up this time."

_______

Untitled who knows what.

My brain comes up with ideas but there's some pieces missing apparently because IDK who the reader is gonna be pissed at in this one.

“You don’t get to tell me what to do anymore.” Y/N’s voice raised a little more as she raised her finger towards him. “I made the decision to do this. Maybe next time you’ll actually listen to me.”

Thank you for reading the purge. Remember any comments or thoughts on this would be welcomed. Would you have read these fics? Was I crazy for even thinking of the idea? Or are we glad this is going into the trash?

[ludinusdaleth]

i havent seen anyone else really post about him even if we all seem to think he's badass as hell (pun intended), so it's my duty to: teven could easily become one of the most interesting & complex c3 characters soon, and i am deeply excited.

conceptually, he's already a treat; one of asmodeus's biggest champions whose vices lead him to bind a pact with fearne, utterly unaware of what hes getting into. he thinks this will secure him & asmodeus power with fae royalty, only for fearne to thrust him into a situation where he is not only given the hunt of his life against a demon - asserting himself as an ultimate legend of all devils, which should be a dream - but instantly after is caught up in the biggest conspiracy against the gods - against his god - with proof.

teven is a devil in all his details - he values bloodlust & dark pleasure through pacts that others are caught in, through his honeyed words. it wasnt angelic of him to take fearne into the wings of the hells by kissing her hand with a seal of his lord's crest. but it interests me how, when he realized fearne didnt know the details of this pact, he not only explained what it entailed plainly, but encouraged her not to utilize it until she was sure she could handle losing a part of herself, which he could presently tell she couldn't. he is practically hungry with lust (of power and more), especially from fearne, but wanted her to know what she would benefit & lose from using this.... and thats frankly more than almost any other power source has done. he barely knows fearne but takes it upon himself to gruffly defend & include her whenever possible. it strikes me that teven has a code of honor. i mean, he should, as a paladin, but his is clear enough he would undermine his god (whom he clearly still loves) and burn the world if it meant assuring a woman he just met - who he should by all means completely manipulate - is safe.

with that code of honor that even undercuts his lord in mind, the group that will bear witness to the secrets that divinity hid consists of the bells, ludinus, essek... and him. no one asked him to follow ludinus to the occultus thalamus. matt should have forgotten him, juggling his 8 players as well as the world shaking villain of the campaign (and his once-protégé). but matt pointedly brought him in, last to enter. he is bearing witness to something his god would hate him ever knowing. of his own free will. (and if there's one thing we know, asmodeus is not fond of much free will at all.)

teven has only been present in 3 episodes so far; we dont know every detail about him, or what he will do in the future. but his setup and every implication around him is fascinating; it is hard not to hunger for his reaction to aeor's truth, not just because of him, but because of the ever-looming burden of history behind him, of zerxus chained away by asmodeus as avalir falls, of the way a fae & devil together are witnessing the worst of calamity when their people once allied to allow it. teven can see through smoke & mirrors; he knows that asmodeus is "shaken", that the gods are more familial than they want to admit. what else will he bluntly see in the memories he's about to witness? will he care about the mortals slaughtered for the crime of hubris & knowledge (especially with the theories he is a cambion, half human)? even if he doesnt care for the mortal suffering... what will he take out of actual proof of the gods uniting as one - to hide something fundamental from their followers? from him?

[hopeswriting]

HI HELLO, I FELT BAD CONTINUING THE CONVO IN THE POST BUT OOOOOHHOO YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE FEELING UNWELL ABOUT TSUNA HOPE. I AM INSANE ABOUT HIM.

FIRST OF ALL, I checked the link you sent and oh my god SAME "The Truth Revealed" is an INSANE CHAPTER TO ME. Tbh Future arc is one of my favorite arcs in KHR all together. I don't think I ever recovered from Tsuna waking up in a fucking coffin. Like I think that irreversibly altered my brain chemistry I havent been the same. My brains been spinning since i saw that. To find out that TYL Tsuna planned it in the Truth Revealed??? Like WHO is TYL TSUNA. WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM. Like you pointed out that Lal yelled out at Tsuna wasnt like that, but to find out he was?? oh my GOD. Like it makes me wonder how much stress TYL Tsuna was under or how he came to the point that he felt like this was the only solution they could pull off. I think there's an addition that Irie did say that Byakuran would've found a way to bring the younger gang to the future anyway must have absolutely added to TYL Tsuna's stress and desire to get his younger self ready before Byakuran decided it was time before he was. Like I need to know IS HE HAPPY LIKE YOU SAID. I HOPE THIS MAN FINDS PEACE GOD KNOWS HE DESERVES IT. This is more of a headcanon than any solidified proof, just a GUT feeling. But I have to feel as if TYL Tsuna's actions being so... like that had to do with TYL Reborn's death. We know that they're close and Rainbow arc shows us that Tsuna would lift the entire world on his back if it saved Reborn. I can't help but theorize the mental state TYL Tsuna was in, after losing Reborn. Seeing how..hotheaded Tsuna can get about Reborn in Rainbow Arc and how he willingly goes to the Inheritance Ceremony for Yamamoto.. I can see him conjuring a plan like this to fuck the shit out of Byakuran post Reborn death, or even just for the possibility of getting Reborn back. But this is just a headcanon again. Either way?? Im FOAMING at the mouth with you.

As for the rest of our discussion, first of all I lost my shit when you sent the manga panel of Reborn looking shocked but holy shit i didnt connect those dots that Reborn was ?? shocked?? that Tsuna was going along with it. And that its coming from a place of anger and vengeance from Tsuna, which isn't usual for him but fuck they attacked his family. As you mentioned, they crossed that firm line drawn in the sand and Tsuna was going for their throat this time bc how dare they? When, in Tsuna's eyes, Yamamoto was done NOTHING wrong to his attacker. As for Tsuna becoming Vongola Decimo and how he would've been shackled, this is actually something we discussed in our server as well. The conclusion I ended up coming with is that in the end it didn't matter to Tsuna. He was seeing red. He was furious. He was willing to sacrifice everything, even his own freedom from the Mafia to avenge Yamamoto. It's either that he was so blinded by rage that he didn't consider the consequences of his actions, or even worse he was willing to take up the mantle of Vongola Decimo if it meant catching the person who did this to Yamamoto. For Yamamoto's sake, he would be Vongola Decimo. AND THAT IDEA??? OOOHHHH. UGHHHH. THERES SO MUCH TO TSUNAS CHARACTER AND IT DRIVES ME MAD BC HE SEEMS SO SIMPLE AT FIRST LOOK. AND IM??? IM AAAAH YKNOW??

[follow up to this post]

the future arc isn't personally my favorite, but i totally get the people for whom it is. the writing for it is really solid and really steps up from what we had so far, and i DO love so much that first part of the arc up to the end of the merone base raid.

you know, at times like this i wish i'd remember what my reaction was to it the first time i read it too, but my memory is shit lol. but i don't need to to agree it was so iconic and insane of amano to make tsuna appear in the future in a coffin. like not only it's the first thing we learn about the future, but also the first thing we learn about his future. that ten years later he's dead. absolute fucking power move from amano, like hello??

but also, while we're on the subject... this literally just came to me so idk if i'm going to be articulate about this lol, but i think there's something to be said about how the first thing we learn about tyl tsuna is that he's dead. and then he stays dead throughout the arc, mentioned and talked about, judged and defended, praised and blamed, but it all happens through other people. everything we learn about him, every choice (or lack thereof) and decision attributed to him, every glimpse into his personality and what kind of man he was, we learn all of it it through someone else's words. through someone else's eyes, and tho we're given no reason to doubt they're saying the truth, they can only be biased as they say it. like, amano could have made him appear through flashbacks, but she didn't. she gave him no physical appearance, no face, no voice. and then when she does do that (tho even then she still gives him no face), he only talks about his present self. has only words for him. and idk what is there to say about all that, but i know it's relevant to the themes of the future arc.

I think there's an addition that Irie did say that Byakuran would've found a way to bring the younger gang to the future anyway must have absolutely added to TYL Tsuna's stress and desire to get his younger self ready before Byakuran decided it was time before he was.

you're right! i tend to overlook that bit of information, but it is canon that either way, the present 10th gen would have found themselves in the future. so for tsuna to decide he'll be the one to make it happen and have control over it instead of byakuran, was of course the right choice to make. the safest one, both for them and their present selves. as well as the kindest one, because of course, tsuna didn't just bring them to the future to leave them to die in it, the way byakuran would have done. he came up with a plan to make sure they were ready to face the future like you said, and would be strong enough to see it through. and the plan was still harsh and painful and arguably cruel on them, but it still was kindness from tsuna at the same time. consideration for the situation he had no choice but to get them involved in. it was him taking responsibility for it and sparing them the worse of it as much as he could and as much as realistically possible. and maybe it made little difference, but it's still more than byakuran would have allowed them for sure, and it did play a non-negligible part in them not only surviving the future, but coming out on top of it.

you know... for some reason i've always thought tsuna was level-headed when he agreed to go along with the plan. like of course his hands were being forced as he was backed against a corner, facing a hopeless and desperate situation, but in my head he still had himself together somehow. sat and considered the pros and cons of the plan with a cool head, before deciding it was worth the gamble.

but like. knowing tsuna, it's much more likely he hadn't, you're right. that he was standing on the brink, and maybe had already fallen from it. i mean, yamamoto's dad got killed, his parents were unaccounted for, vongola's hq fell and vongola was hunted, namimori was invaded and every people there connected to him hunted too, forcing kyoko and haru to be on the run, with lambo and i-pin after them to keep them safe when they were just fifteen but still forced to take part in a literal war. tsuna had already lost so much by that point, while still being at risk of losing much more. and at the same time, he had already lost the worst thing he could lose, because of course, there's also reborn. reborn who also died, who also got killed when he's the one person who's always been by his side, who's always been his rock and anchor, who's always known how to give him strength again when his own failed him. and MY gut feeling headcanon is that reborn died not too long before tsuna put the plan in motion. maybe even died only just a couple of days before that, and that was the last straw, the deciding factor that made tsuna go along with the plan.

so like. maybe tsuna was heartbroken and crestfallen when he made that decision. maybe it was an entirely emotional one, one he made out of spite and vindictive feelings for byakuran like you said. out of fear he'll end up with nothing more left to lose, and out of his guilt for letting things come to that point and not being in a position--not having the power to make things right again. a decision he made out of his grief and the desperate hope he could get back everything he lost. the hope he could get reborn back. and okay, consider this, but independently of whether it was the right thing to do or of the chances of the plan to be successful, maybe he simply agreed to it too out of the certainty it's what present tsuna would have done too. that it's what he'd have wanted too, that he would have taken any chance that might bring reborn back to him. because it's reborn. oh i'm soo normal about this and their bond.

For Yamamoto's sake, he would be Vongola Decimo.

YOU CANT JUST SAY THAT TO ME LIKE I HAVENT THE SOFTEST SPOT FOR YAMS AND TSUNA. oh my god. oh my god??? for yamamoto's sake... for yamamoto. and i mean, i know tsuna would have done the exact same thing for any of his other guardians, but that amano chose to go along with yams instead of any other guardian... like again, i do very much believe tsuna would have reacted the same way were it anyone else, but at the same time i really do very much believe the fact it was yamamoto played a part in his anger and resolve to avenge him. i really can't explain it, but like. it's yamamoto, you know?

NO I KNOW!!!! tsuna is... he's so easy to overlook and deem unworthy of a second glance, but if you DO look back at him, and then really look at him, you can't stop and can't look away. and the longer you look, the more there is to look at. which is even more insane because at his core tsuna still is truly, really just some guy. he's just a complex character in very simple ways i guess??

anyway yeah, i need to LIE DOWN now, thanks.

[spacedhead]

homestuck reread #7: a5a2 part 3

this is so fucked up.

but hey check it out. vriska went goat mode

okayyy merry christmas and happy new year to everyone reading. never too late for a happy new year

look at roseee shes serving so hard rn. but unfortunately she is talking to doc scratch. which is something one should never do. especially if one is a light player he really loves to torment light players for some reason

look at how cool jade looks here i would wear the shit out of this outfit if it wasnt approx. 1 trillion degrees in my location. keep slaying girl

what a thing to say. i know what he is talking about and yet i still barely understood what he meant

yeah WHATEVER . most important character my ass. we dont care . booooo. boo

why is jade sprite so sad shes being such a cry baby. honestly normal jade is based for this. jade sprite is just crying and crying for NO REASON. what is even the problem!!!!!

very fucking interesting indeed.... what a funny thing to say. that is VERY FUCKING interesting......

woah he looks so cool i love art i love images. also he looks like has the windows logo on his face... sponsored? hello?

okay so i guess the mayor is having a bad dream. this is pretty scary man... i wonder if its like the ring that he has affecting him in some way. i dont know what it means....

oh? vriska is here now

dawwww shes so EEPY!!! that being said, the next page is [s] wake, and i really fucking hate this one. so im NOT EXCITED.

ARADIA!!!! SHE DID IT!!!! im so happy for her and nothing else happens in this animation so i might as well not watch the rest of it

:(

sigh. man this sucks

look at jade go. she looks so awesome! like a super hero. iron man. tony stark . stucky. i could do this all day . blargh

ok so now im playing another game thing. kanaya and jade just had a conversation about how they have the same role in the two different sessions and how theyre more similar than they thought. also theres some future jade present karkat past jade password shenanigans going on. i loooove when time travel makes no sense and is super confusing. that isnt sarcasm btw. and that wasnt either. also, they updated the sprites in this one so they look way better and sweeeeeeeet. that was 8 e's btw. she isnt even here to appreciate my efforts.....

this is like scott pilgrim to me. theyre about to go at it!!!! who you guys got money on? me personally i bet sollux 3-0s him and doesnt lose a stock

easter egg

anyway yeah guys i was just kidding sollux was no match for eridans insane hope powers. really wasnt even fair to begin with

yeah and now eridan snaps and becomes an incel. sadge. why do people even like this guy?? WHATEVER HES MID HOPE HE DIES SOON RIP BOZO

my honest reaction to eridan to only knocking out the guy he had an actual problem with, but killing two women who he liked and respected

on top of that, gamzee has officially lost it. MAN EVERYTHING IS FUCKING SPIRALING MAN TAVROS IS DEAD KANAYAS DEAD FEFERIS DEAD SOLLUX IS KO'D GAMZEES CRAZY. surely nothing else goes wrong

yeah

karkat....:(

oh.....hey john....nice to see you..... maybe you can lift my mood a little...

STOP CALLING WOMEN CRAZY. even if this one might be a little crazy .. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT

ALALALALLALAAL thats what vriska looks like shes saying. do you see it i see it personally

man now i gotta be equius in this game. lets see how this goes...

SHES SO REAL I LOVE HER. nothing bad will ever happen to her

okay well i reached the end of the game and also the image limit for this post. so ill continue this next time. but i just gotta say

that it was actually pretty good. like go figure the equius one was pretty engaging. equius is very protective of nepeta and it was very sad when he was like "let me take this chance to say goodbye" and nepeta was like "um okay but i will see you soon." like. yeah i guess you will.... :(

i actually liked both of them in this one isolated game . sad for whats gonna happen in the coming pages

[thedorkmagiciangirl]

The Missed Thematic Importance of Anzu’s Speech

Okay everyone in the ygo fandom guess who watched Anzu’s speech to Kaiba in the sub and had FEELINGS?

And to be honest, I think all of people miss what she’s saying, especially in the original Japanese since some people are more familiar with the dub.  So I am going to explore what she says, what it means, and how it connects to Yu-Gi-Oh!’s themes as a whole.  Let’s get started.

All right, what should happen first is that we actually establish what she says, right?

Here are her speeches, manga and sub.  I’ll probably make another post about the dub version of her speech later.  I’ll be using the official Viz translation for the manga and the Crunchyroll translation for the sub, which while they have their inaccuracies are accurate enough for our analyzing purposes.

Manga:

Kaiba:Games mean conflict.  A combat between two enemies...It’s the same for all of them!  Cards...chess...the bloodsoaked wars of the human race...all these are different kinds of games...Do you know what God gave to people so they could play games in this world?  A single chip...called life.  When I threw my chip of life on the board...Yugi exposed his weakness and lost the game!

Anzu:That’s not true, Kaiba!  You’re the one who lost! 

Kaiba:What?

Anzu:You say people struggles are a game!  That’s totally wrong!  Facing yourself no matter how tough things get...and keeping up the fight...that’s what games are really about!  You bet your chip of life as if it meant nothing!  You lost to yourself!  When you realized you were going to lose, you didn’t have the courage to keep living!  Listen...real courage is protecting that chip you have in your hands...No matter what!  The moment you give that up is when you lose!

Jonouchi also chips in after this, pointing out that it was Yugi who saved Kaiba’s life when Kaiba was throwing it away.

Sub:

Kaiba:You showed weakness in the end, Yugi.  If you were willing to send me into the abyss, you would’ve won.  As a duelist, you made a foolish choice.

Anzu:You’re wrong!  You’re the one who lost the game, Kaiba!

Kaiba:What?

Anzu:Kaiba, you tried to throw away your most valuable chip: your life.  You lost to yourself!  You didn’t have the courage to face yourself to the end!  Real courage is to protect your chip - your life - no matter what the situation.  You lost when you threw it away!  Yugi saved your chip of life!

Now let’s break it down.  Anzu uses some gaming metaphors here (appropriate for this series) and other roundabout ways of speaking, so let’s put it in more direct words.  What is she trying to tell Kaiba?

Being courageous is being willing to live, and by extension, never giving up on life.  Courage is living with your failures, with loss, and with regret.  This is her philosophy.  Every time a dancer falls, she gets back up and tries again.  Every time someone told her they didn’t believe in her dream (given that she assumed Yugi and Jonouchi would make fun of it, it seems likely that this happened in the past) she keeps working at it anyways.  It’s even similar to what she says following the duel with Johnny Steps.  She yells at him for quitting because as she says, she’ll fail a hundred times but she’ll still pick herself up and keep trying.

What’s important about this is that it serves as counter to Kaiba’s philosophy, taught to him by Gozaburo.  Losing.  Equals.  Death.  In Kaiba’s philosophy a loss is final.  It’s the end.  Anzu is telling him that’s wrong, and that a loss is only the end if you make it so by gambling away your chip of life.  Indeed, it’s actually similar to what Mai says to the Other Yugi at the end of their duel in the Duelist Kingdom finals about loss.  There are two kinds of loss, one that is a stepping stone forward and one that is the end.  The difference between a loss that’s a step forward and a loss that’s the end is in your mindset.

Contradicting philosophies are a core element of yugioh as a whole, and duels are really just elaborate metaphors for showing these philosophies come into conflict with each other.

Anzu using the same analogy Kaiba did is also a rejection of Kaiba devaluing life by reducing them to chips to be gambled away.  No, she says, life is not worth so little.  The chip of life is the most valuable.  It’s to be protected.

Now, I know what you’re thinking.  Or I can guess at least.  But, Dork Magician Girl, you’re saying, Kaiba didn’t just gamble away his chip of life for nothing.  He was dueling for his brother, and Anzu didn’t know that at the time!

Good point, I say to you, reader.  But it ignores a few key points as to what happened in the duel.

1. His threatening suicide was not a strategic move.  It was one born of emotion.  Prior to his doing so, he has a vivid hallucination of failing to save Mokuba, and then Kid!Seto, in the manga, glares at him, and in the sub, yells at him.  He was not making a plan to try to save Mokuba.  He was desperate, not thinking things through, and he had other options, as I’ll point out below.  This means his impulse to try to commit suicide was just that, an impulse, and Anzu is right to point out that that should not be your impulse.  It really shouldn’t be.

2. Now this is more up to interpretation, but let me ask you a question. 

Did you think Kaiba thought Yugi would back down, or did he make that plan with the full intent of dying? 

... If he made that plan with the full intent of dying, then Anzu was right on the money, regardless of the limitations of her knowledge.  He was throwing his life away, so he wouldn’t have to live with having failed Mokuba.  And I personally think he was planning on dying.  Remember that Kaiba is more familiar with the Other Yugi than Yugi.  Remember that the Other Yugi was going to go through with it.  It’s ambiguous here what he intended.  But either way, Anzu still has a point.

In a way, it was a win-win for Kaiba; if Yugi backed down, then he won and would have the chance to save Mokuba.  If Yugi went through with it, he would be dead and wouldn’t have to live with his failure.  But the second option is selfish; it gives up all hope of saving Mokuba through another route because Kaiba would rather die than admit weakness.  (Like, he could have told Yugi about Mokuba and probably gotten him to back down that way.  The suicide gambit was not the only way Kaiba could’ve gotten Yugi to back down.  But it was the only way for Kaiba to avoid expressing Actual Human Feelings or depending on someone else to help save Mokuba. Kaiba will do anything to save Mokuba...except depending on others, asking for help, exposing weakness, or talking about feelings.  See the finale of Virtual World Arc 1 where if it wasnt for a Deus Ex Machina he would have gotten Mokuba killed because he was too prideful to go along with Yami’s plan.  Also, he’s deliberately withholding this information from them, though there isn’t a good reason for him to do so.  In the manga he says “I’ll gladly die for the cards” just to make it look like he has no other reason to threaten suicide.  Why?  Because Kaiba, that’s why.)  Anzu calls him out on this, because that is cowardice to be unwilling to face your own loss, which beside his pride, is Kaiba’s main flaw.  He cannot accept defeat, loss, or failure.  She’s right on the money, and we’re gonna go into this more later.

3.Sure, Anzu may not have known about Mokuba...but she still hit the nail on the head about Kaiba’s philosophy.  He’s not able to recover from losses.  He’s hung up on the past.  He can’t overcome grief.

The divide between looking at the past and looking at the future is another central theme in Yu-Gi-Oh!, placed at the forefront in the Battle City Arc.  The Other Yugi’s goal is to find his memories, and in the end he literally relives the past.  However, Seto Kaiba represents the opposing viewpoint, especially in his duel with Ishizu when he rejects her philosophy.

“The future is infinite!”  He says.  “The past is a series of footsteps!”

How ironic then, that in the end, he cannot stop focusing on the past, when everyone else is moving forward.

In the Dark Side of Dimensions movie, Yugi and co. sit atop a rooftop talking about the future.  They talk about their dreams and plans and eventually decide that when Yugi creates his first game, they’ll all play it together.  Meanwhile, Seto Kaiba broods alone in his lab, recreating the past through Atem’s hologram as he’s surrounded by a bunch of “sycophants” as he calls them.  The parallel here is clear.  Yugi is not alone, and he’s moving forward from Atem’s loss.

Kaiba is not.

In the end, Seto Kaiba uses his dimension cannon to go to the afterlife, with no guarantee of returning.  He cannot promise Mokuba that he will return.  He reaches the afterlife and reunites with Atem, but he may have killed himself in the attempt.  The ending is ambiguous, up for everyone watching to decide for themselves.

What I believe is that Seto Kaiba chose to live out his philosophy.  Losing equals death.  Just as Anzu warned him, in Duelist Kingdom all that time ago, he gambled away his chip of life.

[hellerism]

I want an essay on #12)

12. symbolism: tell me about some cool symbolism in spn! your pick

*puts on my english major hat* im about to put more effort into this than anything ive ever written for college. ok top 10 supernatural symbolism...this isnt in any particular order its just whatever i think of first. also it might not be actual top 10 im just remembering random shit. this has gotten out of hand so im putting it under a read more

1. the most obvious one, the impala. many have discussed this before me and im probably just repeating what others have said, but the impala is an extension of deans body/a representation and mirror of both his physical and mental state. obviously the impala gets destroyed in the season 1 finale when dean is dying. and he rebuilds it in season 2, while he is trying to regroup and rebuild from the death of his father. ive seen a post about how dean losing it and smashing the impala is a metaphorical form of self-harm which is :(( also, the impala staying covered and hidden away while dean is living with lisa and ben with this reading is so interesting. i do think dean loved the idea of a normal life with lisa and ben more than the reality (not that i dont think he loved them! any scene with dean and ben makes me soft). but this also makes it that much sadder because supernatural considers dean unable to live a life that doesnt involve hunting; the impala is hidden and dean is a shell of his real self. in season 7, they once again have to hide the impala away and use other cars. the impala is gone and hidden away; something is wrong. dean is hurting. he isnt his full self. why? whats missing during that time? cas. and in season 10, when dean is a demon, he stops caring for the impala. you know, because something is wrong with him. because hes a demon.

2. dean knocking over and breaking the angel statue in the beautiful room. he makes it fall with a single touch, hardly a push. and all it took cas was a single touch for him to fall and break. dean, of course, doesnt mean to shatter cas, though he does mean to make him fall. dean repeatedly argues with cas, acting as the human opposite to cas’ emotionless faith in heaven, pushing him toward the edge, pushing him to rebel, pushing him to choose humanity. and it works; cas learns to love through dean, and through that he rebels against heaven and falls in “every way imaginable.” and when he hits the ground, he breaks, shattering all his faith in god and everything, leading into the godstiel arc as he tries to put his pieces back together.

3. the streetlight as a halo over cas’ head in on the head of a pin. it flickers when anna appears, which is physically meant to show her power. however, it also shows cas’ wavering faith in heaven. interesting how anna, the angel who chose humanity over heaven and decided to fall, is the one making cas’ halo flicker. he is beginning to question things. he is beginning to feel. he is beginning to fall.

4. deans leather jacket in the first few seasons. its not actually dean’s, of course. it belonged to john. dean picks it up and puts it on while he and sam are searching for him, physically shouldering the weight of johns expectations of him. its too big on him. and dean is 26 at that point. hes well past done growing; he’ll never fit perfectly into that jacket. no matter what he does, he’ll never fit perfectly into johns expectations: the perfect son, the perfect soldier. and leather jackets are heavy even if they fit well. there is a physical weight on his shoulders now, a manifestation of the weight of the world and the weight of being a parent for his younger brother and everything john has piled onto dean since he was a child. he eventually stops wearing it (bc some absolute legend stole it irl), and i wish they’d taken that as an opportunity to have dean grow out of the shadow of his father, but supernatural is a bad show so they didnt.

5. mary, who just happens to be named after the mother of jesus. the perfect wife, the loving mother, the tragic figure, the victim, clad in white, the color of innocence. except shes not. she was raised a hunter. shes lived the bloody dark side of the world hidden from most. she loved her children, but she wasnt a perfect wife and mother. she didnt know how to cook. she and john fought, and he even moved out for a few days, and she needed her four-year-old son to comfort her. she is not the virginal mother; shes an imperfect person just trying to do her best. the dabb-era deconstruction of the very concept of mary makes me crazyyyyyyy if you couldnt tell.

6. these shots from 9.14 captives

in the first shot, we have a statue of cupid over cas’ left shoulder and a cross over his right. and in the second shot, there is a bible on the right side of the table, and nothing on the left. and cas turns to the left. he turns away from god, continuously choosing to turn away from stability and what he always knew in favor of love and humanity. there is nothing on the left side of the table precisely because there is nothing certain in cas’ future with humanity, but he chooses them anyway. plus, cas inventing free will by falling in love with dean retroactively makes this shot that much better; there is nothing on the left side of the table precisely because there is nothing written for him. cas falling in love with dean created an empty space in gods story. this show is pure fucking insanity oh my god.

7. serafina the angel (the pantheistic view in that episode makes me crazy but we wont get into that). serafina, whose name is audibly similar to seraph, the class of angel that cas is. coincidentally, the only seraphim we see in the show are cas, who falls in love with dean, and akobel, who married lily sunder. serafina, who fell in love with adam, the literal progenitor of humanity. and who is the character in supernatural that has always stood for humanity as a whole? dean. serafina literally had me convinced that deancas would happen in the finale.

8. the removal of -iel from cas’ name. dear god this one drives me crazy and i doubt it was on purpose. castiel, the shield of god. for eons he existed as a warrior and tool of god. and then along comes dean winchester, who does a very human thing. he gives him a nickname. cas. he removes the “of god” part. he removes god from cas, because dean doesnt value him for being a good soldier or a good son. he values him simply because hes cas. and cas questions everything, his loyalty to heaven, his blind faith that god would one day return. he is no longer a warrior of god. he is simply cas, the shield, and this time he chooses to be a shield for humanity, for the winchesters, for dean. for the michael sword. the shield protects the sword. cas dies shielding dean. this got off topic but its just sooo insane.

9. this shit from 2.13 houses of the holy. i know it was an unplanned coincidence but jesus christ.

10. ...lamp. i know i know but it still boggles my mind. the completely out of place tap dance that they had to spend time and money on to train two actors who had never tap danced before. the lamp being a source of light. divine light. cas. the whole thing being set to the song lets misbehave. WHY LAMP.

[ultraqrk-a]

tw: suicidal thoughts, covid mention, swearing, 'drama'

I didnt want to come to this, yet here I am, making a post about it. last night, it was a mess. i had to stop everything and go lay down at the things that were happening on my dash + discord groups. I'm not even going to edit this post beside the under read more thing because I'm tired of it. my mental health this year was not the best, in fact I'm pretty sure it was the worst year for me since I could remember. now, I dont want people to feel sorry for me because that's literally not the point of the post, I want people to understand why I'm I'm this post and the things that will happen in the future, but either way I'll explain myself because I feel the need to and wont forgive myself if I don't. I'm sorry if this comes out as 'manipulative', but its literally me just opening up:

last night, it was what kicked it for me. seeing friends argue and just spread things across the dash that I really dont want to mention again, since I want to leave it behind; they completely broke me. well, I didnt want to mention it, but that's kind of what triggered me so much, after all. I started to feel bad the moment I felt something was off, and I just had to leave. I tried to calm down and think clearly and not let my emotions get to me because I wanted to help, I wanted to do something other than what I ended up doing. I was talking with friends at the time, in fact, basically only a few people know what I was going through. unfortunately, not to the whole extent, as I was literally already feeling bad for even bothering them with what i thought. that, and it was bad:

this year, I've lost many irl friends, due to covid( not one died, but I meant figuratively ) and the quarantine. we've lost contact completely, but even then I was already losing them due to personal reasons that i wont mention in this post, since they arent really important at the moment. but that's the main reason why I joined the rpc again: to make friends, to not be so alone anymore. and I made friends, met wonderful people in here that I love to talk to whenever I can, or whenever I have energy to. because I'll be honest, I simply am not able to keep up conversations for long anymore, and that's totally my fault. the whole quarantine thing really fucked me up on that matter.

last night seeing people that I care about go so....against each other, let's put it like that, made me literally sick. I threw up my dinner last night to the point that I was throwing up water only. I cried for basically 4 hours straight, because the thought of losing friends and being forced to choose a side was literally fucking me up completely. my mom likes to call me a sponge: because I absorb the energy that is around me, good or bad, and let it out and end up 'cleaning' the place. if that's the case, I hope it helped someone.

I thought about 'unalive' myself in the beginning of quarantine, when my parents divorced and due to their argument and just how big it was. I thought about it again the moment I couldnt pass my exam, therefore not being able to graduate and literally having to deal with the thought that my friends would leave to university and we would fall even more apart. I thought about it again TWO WEEKS AGO when i was almost kicked out. and i really thought about it again last night, because the literal emotional and physical pain and sickness I was passing through and feeling really wasnt worth it. yet, I didnt because I'm too selfless. I thought about my pets, sisters and the rest of my family, and my friends. I was able to calm down enough to think about it clearly, and grabbed my inhaler the moment I felt my asthma kick in- but, without literally apologizing for what I was about to do before. and just the fact that I even saw that as a valid option, for even just a few minutes, it scares me.

I'm too sensitive and emotional for this type of thing, that's just how I am: or maybe I'm just too nice of a person. either way, I cant help it. I'm almost 19, I shouldn't be literally having grey hairs or losing it because of the stress I felt this year. I shouldn't even have to make this post about how I feel, and I clearly shouldnt even have to feel sick as I write this. yet I truly want to know what people think, and again, that's just a part of who I am I guess.

I already am looking for a therapist, have been for the past couple of months. but because of covid, it's been really really hard to find one that wants to take in new clients( some are scared of catching the virus if they gain new ones ) or even in my city in general.

so, with this whole thing I have decided to stay completely neutral. both sides have made valid and bad points, and I'm too tired to care right now- I literally felt sick trying to choose, to the point that I once again thought about something that I'm sure would scare anyone. and I know I inevitably will lose friends one way or another. I'll be remaking everything: my blog, will drop probably most threads, redo my carrd, my discord. just about everything. I need to get rid of what's stressing me out.

my blog, when I remake it, will most likely be friends only, and I'm not even sure I will be up for events for a while at this point. hell, I'm not even sure I want to continue with the hunger games, but I will surely finish this one to try and make everybody happy again. that's the least I can do when last night I couldn't do anything.

I'm really sorry it came to this point, but for once I really need to think about myself first. if you like this post, I'll know you want to stay my friend.

thank you all - sónia.

[scarletfokx]

Regarding episode 58- Beware, there shall be spoilers!

Okay, so, Peacock and Runyu have a convo where Jinmi overhears them talking and figures out that Runyu knew that Xufeng wasn't her parents murderer before she killed him. Then after peacock leaves and Runyu wants to get some shuteye before the wedding he is confronted by Jinmi who shouts at him in angst.

It was a powerful scene. And extremely...unjustified.

I personally believe that in her mind Jinmi still wanted to escape the blame of everything bad that happened because it all revolved around her, and she obviously didn't want to marry Runyu, hell, she didn't even PRETEND to care about him. She didn't even show friendly affection. The thing is...is what she said fair or true?

I want to point out that it would have been cruel of him to tell her that peacock was the real murderer after she already killed Xufeng, and even if he wanted to tell her he couldn't because she put herself in a coma. He couldn't exact her revenge because even though he denys it and we know he is jealous of Xufeng, he still loved his brother deeply and the damn peacock was the only thing keeping Xufeng alive. I couldn't find the episode before the wedding/murder, so I'm not entirely certain that Runyu DIDN'T know who was behind Jinmi's parents murder, but I doubt he would have let her go through the injustice he had to, that's against everything he stands for and let's face it, he DID fix the heavenly realm and the six realms as best he could after the corrupt ruling of his parents.

I'm posting this because I really need to know what you guys think. I barely sleep at night now and this injustice infuriates me in bed for hours!

Jinmi didn't give him the opportunity to defend himself properly. She even scared him and riled him up with the fear of losing her. He just took her words like whips.

How did he use every inch of her? He didn't marry her, he didn't sleep with her...and as for her accusations of him never loving her and only loving himself...he never loved himself until he met her. He loved her because she taught him to love himself. It was sincere and honest and it never changed. (Love triangle my ass, they never gave Runyu a fighting chance! Xufeng always got seen and acknowledged for his actions but Runyu never did.)

He also genuinely never wanted the throne. He just wanted to give her the best life could offer, in a world fit for someone as pure and innocent as her to live in. He fixed it up and took on all the dirty work and responsibility...

When she accused him of approaching her in the beginning because she was close to Xufeng and using her to spy on him...LIES. I literally (in my obsession for justice) searched all the scenes and annalised them closely up till episode 16 for this, and no, he didn't ever spy on Xufeng intentionally, and he was genuinely interested in her because he liked her, NO OTHER REASON!

And he is smart, but even he didn't suspect that she was related to Water Immortal the day of the empress's birthday. Sure it surprised him, but the hail stone isn't far off from all the other wierd and unexplainable things she did. He didn't he know about his mother yet, or the conspiracy. He eavesdropped on them all after HE helped save her from the empress (no thanks might I add), to learn the truth about her. He didn't plan to use it against her or anything!

As for pretending to not have seen her father...guys and girls, if it got you brownie points when you were behind in the live competition, wouldn't you do the same? It WAS underhanded, but it wasnt a bad thing really. In a way it was cute and showed us how he wanted to impress his in laws, goddamn, he has been teased about the nonexistent fiance for ages and now he finally has her, AND it's the one and only girl that he likes!

Anyone else think that Xufeng SHOULD have stepped down because it was the right thing to do? It WAS the right thing to do. He was willing to leave her when he thought they were related, yet he still left his father with her to show her that his feeling didn't even change! So why should Runyu's have? It doesn't mean he knew anything! And for his brothers sake, his brother who never asked for anything but gave as much as he could to his brother who already had everything, he WOULDN'T step down. WTF?!

Yes there was something between Jinmi and Xufeng already which was ofc, 99% only Xufeng's affection anyway, but this was his brothers promised bride for gods sake! Is it wrong for Runyu to pursue her? It was wrong for Xufeng to pursue her in the mortal realm! And was Runyu wrong for restoring the elixir? No. He did it for selfish reasons, but also for her own health as he always does. Love, even true love, is NEVER entirely selfless. This gave him equal footing to Xufeng to try and win her love.

And for the record, she is the o e who said she liked Runyu, even though he did understand it as the 'friend' way, as he also proved by playing 20 Questions. He never pressured her into staying in the arranged marriage, even when he knew she was trying to get out of it. He really just wanted her to be happy.

Runyu didn't need her fathers help to fight Xufeng, he needed his help to overthrow his parents and to stop the tyranny. Her father was already wanting to exact justice for Jinmi's mother, so they had similar interests. Didn't Runyu's mother deserve justice? I get how she abused her son, and to me it will forever be unforgivable, however by that point she was already driven into insanity.

The beast of dreams part was also a low blow. It's one of the few things that actually belong to him and he gave it to her in a sincere gesture way before anything terrible happened. Sure maybe he could have been using it to watch over her, but hello, he was protecting her!

I have no doubt that he believed that Jinmi would go against Xufeng for him, but I doubt he expected THAT outcome. The way she screams that she only loved Xufeng...his heart...you can just see it shattering!

And hello again, he IS the most innocent, kindest person around there who doesn't even expect praise for anything he does! Xufeng shows off while Runyu hides away. I doubt he ever wanted the entire world to adore and respect him :'D I mean...does she know him at all?!

Can you really tell me he wasn't sincere when he professed his love to her? <\3 Can you imagine the hurt he felt seeing her and Xufeng having sex in the dream? By then they all knew she was Runyu's fiance, and even worse, Jinmi couldn't love or show romantic love so Xufeng ALSO manipulated her into feeling and doing what he wanted. There are no two-ways, that is a damned fact. Runyu knew he had no place staking a claim or getting revenge for something that still wasn't his yet so HE DIDN'T! Even when she spied on Xufeng in the demon realm and kept getting into trouble, he kept saving her again and again, more times than Xufeng, and yet he asked for nothing. She he hurt him by saying she 'owe's him' OUCH! He gave her half his life!

(Somebody You Loved is totally his song btw!)

I feel that Runyu is like a heartbroken husband who knows his wife is having an affair with his own brother but because he loves them both he just continues being good and hoping with all his heart that she will open her eyes and realise that he is the right person for her, not Xufeng. I can imagine a man laying alone in bed and being grateful that his wife still came home to sleep. That's how much its synchronizes.

He then bore his heart open for her to see and told her the things that mattered to him and she told him he didn't deserve to be loved...O.M.G. Okay, so, I won't lie...I'm a crier. I cry easy. But this had me bawling like an infant because both sides were just so...I'M STILL DYING INSIDE! He wasn't even lying about giving up being the emperor! He really meant it. <\3

How desperate he was made it so much worse. He made some wrong choices in life, who hasn't? She killed an innocent man for a crime he didn't commit, and yet...

Runyu believed that she would understand and learn to live him in time. She could have. He knew the self hate was killing her inside so he even told her to hate him. <\3 All he wanted was to love and protect her. And then she dropped his heart scale like it was nothing. NOTHING. O.M.G!<\3

And when he said 'In the future, if we get married you might not be treated fairly. Would you mind?' He meant that she would be treated the way he was which was horribly! She didn't mind then, so where did that faith go?

His memories at the end scene...just so sad. I think I got an eyelash in my eye. He brokenly picked up his scale. Despite how she hurt him he won't regret it because he did it all for her.

After she died and the flowers all disappeared, including the one in his hand...it was heartbreaking. That's all he had left of her. At the end when he sits on the throne alone and in the dark,(except for his aid and the beast of dreams), he doesn't even resent her a tiny bit, but he has everything except the one he tried to get it all for. That's just...they really did him wrong.

My problem is that (and I started a fanfic that I'm too muddleheaded to continue atm) I can't get over this injustice. I'm one of those people who really just can't take it. In all of two weeks I watched Novoland S1and2, Ashes of Love, and The Eternal Live S1and2, and through all that, this scene sticks out worst of all of the injustices. Not even Tingjun's cruel fate.

Am I the only one who see's Runyu like this? Tell me what you think, I need someone to sooth my poor mind!

[blookmallow]

playing rusty lake Roots... theres so much going on 

i wrote this post at like 2 AM last night so its kind of incoherent lmao

ok so now im following the family history of... maybe the founders of the rusty lake hotel? someone who is Involved Somehow. some weird shit is going on and im really into it but not quite following yet 

oH god theres a dead guy in the clock. ok 

i spent like 10 minutes solving puzzles in this room with that dude in there the whole time and i had no idea OK SURE 

then i had to burrow into his chest to steal his heart, as you do. sorry sir apparently i need it for some reason but it doesnt look like you’re using it anymore anyway 

very romantic

the absolutely batshit solutions to some of these are so good like. “she likes him! he likes her! help them communicate” “ok i will... give her a rose” “she likes the rose! oh she pricked herself and is bleeding everywhere now” “i... use her blood. for ink. with the feather i got from a raven earlier. so he can write her a love note. with her blood” “great job! they’re engaged now” “i see” 

and you’ll NEVER GUESS where i found a ring for her 

god damn it its you again

why is this disembodied hand following me everywhere i go... i didnt kill it this time it was already dead but like, Why 

oh fuck its the dudes!!!! from the hotel!!!! its the guys!!!! 

i can also see them in the hotel across the lake despite everyone else being humans this time and it feels like this should be Before the events of the, uh. dinner party. but it might be shadows of the future to come or something, there’s a lot of ominous Fate and something to do with memories happening here 

oh. that’s why i needed the heart. i see 

im collecting sacrifices for some kind of revival i think, im betting this is gonna end up being how mr. owl happened somehow 

oH god that’s. ok. fuckign christ 

thats not. how any of this works but sure ok that happened 

really not a fan of the fact that the solution to “how do i get the key from the dog” ended up being “feed it the woman’s fucking placenta after she gives birth” lmao ok

i do like when the solutions are like. unexpectedly horrifying, though. that moment of “wait. no. no. oh god. thats it isnt it” 

also the woman would only give me one bottle of milk (there’s three babies) so i had to fill another one with wine and another with water. i feel like this is a bad method of caring for your triplets but what do i kno 

i know this all isnt really meant to be taken literally tho i think... everything happening here is highly symbolic but im not sure exactly how

the milk goes to samuel, who seems the most normal/put together child, maybe the one who was treated the best/the most privileged one/the one closest to the mother 

the wine goes to albert who ends up being the most fucked up one so maybe thats a sign he was abused/maybe one or both parents had an alcohol problem they took out on him the most 

im not sure what the water would mean though, that one goes to emma and shes a botanist so, water for the flowers, i guess, she later commits suicide but i dont know why yet (or maybe it might not be explained at all) maybe it’s a. wasting away/neglected thing? 

hm.

im missing a shot i thought i had here but you’re in an alchemy lab trying to make this elixir and the alchemist won’t take it, and the only other thing in the room is.... the dog 

so i was just like :( im gonna kill the dog arent i 

but then 

the dog drank the elixir and was fine so the alchemist tried it and immediately died, so apparently it’s a 50/50 chance of either reaction and not “it works or it doesn’t” all around and now we have an immortal dog :’  ) 

either that or it just doesn’t affect dogs. time will tell i suppose

anyway this is how albert turned out and i would do anything for him LOOK at this baby boy 

he wanted a butterfly so i solved a bunch of very strange puzzles to obtain one for him 

fuCKing hell 

albert you’re not gonna believe this look what i found

FUCK yeah you look great 

i brought him the butterfly and he immediately stabbed it to death but really im more concerned with the fact that it’s BLEEDING RED 

look at him go

i carved a pumpkin mask for him and he loves it 

i hope albert knows i would die for him 

ok anyway uhh its 2 AM as of when im writing this so i should stop but im trying to work out thoughts on what the fuck is going on here so far 

ok so

james married mary and they had three kids

james might have murdered his uncle or something im still not sure why there was a dead guy in the clock at the beginning 

somethin sure happened there

james became fascinated with alchemy and eventually died trying to create an elixir of life. something or someone is trying to do some kind of weird revival ritual with body parts. i highly suspect that might be where mr. owl comes from

its not totally clear what’s going on with albert, he had a mark on his head when he was a baby but im not sure if his face is like that just bc birth mark or if the wasp incident made it worse or something, i feel like it wasnt as visible in the childhood scene but i dont remember now 

he wanted the butterfly when he was a kid too but it wasnt clear if he liked it or wanted to kill it then too. not sure if the wasp incident Changed Him/was the start of lifelong rivalry with samuel, or if albert’s just mentally ill and that was just One More Incident with his siblings bullying him, or maybe a combination of both

emma grows up to be a botanist but commits suicide for reasons unknown

there was a really weird disjointed flashback on emma’s side of the tree where albert kind of inadvertently dumped a kid into a well (he was... spinning the crank thing mayb stimming or something, the player makes the swing go too far to make the kid land there in the first place so idk if thats just The Hand Of Fate or what, but albert didnt technically do it he just was the reason he lost grip on the. thing where the rope goes/he didnt help the kid) (but again he’s. not mentally well, i think it was ‘he didnt understand what was going on’ more than ‘he committed a possible murder’) so idk if maybe that was emma’s kid?? she also may have been impregnated by plants. dont know what the fuck that was about either 

samuel marries a fortune teller named ida (and has more kids i think. i wasnt paying close enough attention to the photo on the wall) who albert also loves but she seems to think of him as the devil and has visions about him i think

it looks like albert loses it and puts some kind of curse on samuel possibly black magic/voodoo/something which MAY have turned him into mr. crow, which, fucked up if true 

but im hesitant to accept “albert’s just Fucked Up And Evil” bc... the wine bottle seems to imply he was not treated well as a baby/possibly abused, samuel knocked a wasp nest onto his head which isn’t massively outside the realm of like. sibling rivalry stuff (my brother once smacked me in the head with a snowglobe so hard i had to be rushed to the doctor when he was rly little/i was younger and we’re Completely Fine now lmao) but maybe fucked him up worse than they realized 

and the whole thing with ida, too. theres no detail given but it definitely seems like samuel is the favorite child and albert is the “we don’t talk about that one” child so its like. years of abuse/unequal treatment/etc and we dont necessarily know how samuel’s treated him all these years or if there could’ve been more/worse things going on 

i dont know!! i like him and i want him to get help and not just be condemned as the family demon just bc he spooky 

[rogueshipagogo]

ppl have been asking me my opinions on space channel 5 vr... and i guess since i bought a vr headset off craigslist just so i could play it and speedrun it before work the day it came out... i should talk abt it now... i dont rly think i’ll be able to separate it into ‘good’ and ‘bad’ things i think i’m just going to do a rambly stream of consciousness bc i have a headache... but i DO have good things to say abt this game... so st.... sta stay t tune  d

right off the bat, the thing i appreciate most abt this game- i like that space channel 5 vr doesnt have cash grab vibes. i Do genuinely believe that they Wanted to make this game For the people who are still obsessed with it, and that they ultimately did what they set out to do when they intended to scale certain aspects of the series up conceptually to match the way the fandom perceives it nowadays. but like i’ve said before... i’m not going to Disagree with the very common conclusion that it Needed to be longer, or at Least more intricate plot-wise. one of my fun and fresh excuses for sc5vr being as short as it is is because you arent really supposed to be playing vr games for too long anyways, its really disorienting and kinda painful, but even that doesn’t account for why so much of the game that we got is a rehash of old settings, concepts, songs, and characters. [i dont even have a problem with reusing old songs, i just think the ones they chose ended up being misleading]

for example i think it makes sense that the first report is a remake of the first games first report on the surface, it’s meant to take you back to the way the first game felt and give you an idea of what it means that the games classic scenery can be rendered in actual high quality detail now [same with the recurrence of events like encountering the space pirates in the asteroid belt/the last battle against a villain being singing to it about what it’s done wrong], but i really thought, like, report 1 was going to end up being a simulated scenario for the benefit of lou and kee’s training... which i dont think ended up being the case??? i think they really did write ‘ok here you are in the first game’s setting again, fighting the old enemies again, because... :^) ok have fun playing report 2!’

and then whats report 2... you fight another old boss from the first game... but theres Still no clear villain or motivation for anything thats happening... and there wont be until like... basically the end of the game...

like, glitter is a really cute character, but its kind of underwhelming that shes just a random citizen who was kidnapped by an entity that we NEVER LEARN ANYTHING ABOUT... like part 1 was extremely notable for being about corporate greed and corruption, part 2 honestly wasnt that political in comparison but at least made you do a think wrt purge’s motivation and his methods, and this game just has a plot device that feels like it’ll do smth but then ends up not doing anything beyond what we already learned about it from the information on its character bio before the game was out. if it turns out that cell x is actually relevant again in a future entry in the franchise and they do have a more developed concept for what cell x Is in mind, i’ll do an entire backflip, but for now its just chalked up to being the result of More Space Hijinks that dont need to be explained

ESPECIALLY WITH ALL OF THE ALLUSIONS TO CELL X BEING AN ENTITY THAT FEEDS OFF OF DANCE ENERGY... it had me thinking that there would have to be some New Method of fighting it off that didn’t just lend it more power in the process, but nah apparently just tacking on the disclaimer ‘*this dance energy is not for glitter’ is enough to turn it from smth it can consume for power into big attacks you can use to kill it... like honestly it sounds like im asking for a lot from a game that has Never made too much sense, but considering that in part 2 they could add details like ‘oh didnt you know purge can open pocket dimensions? ulala is capable of manifesting tangible dance energy and the only other person who can do that is purge???’, its not like they havent come up with weird new shit for dance energy to do within the plot before. they just didnt do it in this game fsr

like did anyone else think that cell x/glitter was going to be the result of tossing purge out into deep space and him encountering the sc5 universe’s equivalent of an eldritch alien creature, smth more bestial than morolians?? even if purge wasnt part of it, when you say ‘uh oh, this guy Eats this society’s only source of energy!!!’ i expect the stakes to get HIGH, and i want the ramifications of it to be kinda STARTLING, because blank wanted money and purge wanted to ritualistically end the world but something this near to an ecological disaster that would force an entire paradigm shift hasn’t occurred yet in the series?? its totally new!!! there’s a lot they could do with this but OH DONT WORRY ABOUT IT EVERYONE ulala knows how to make dance energy kill cell x instead of feed it she’s got this we’re good no need to investigate more into all that

i can’t explain why the game is like this. and i dont expect grounding to address it in any meaningful way either. i’m sure they’re Aware of these complaints by now- the game reviewing community has Not been kind to sc5vr specifically due to all of these shortcomings [i didnt even touch on the issues with motion sensing and how many of the games mechanics were removed in favor of smth presumably easier to program yet much less satisfying, like Secret Moves just being mini quicktime events and Turning Your Ratings Into Stars just being replaced with the standard Three Strikes You’re Out method of scoring], but the pr team still seems very enthusiastic abt the game and is still promising dlc and potentially even more games in the series after this one- heres hoping that they’ll at least take these grievances to heart and consider making the experience not only more accessible [aka it will... go back to being a rhythm game with controller input.... and not... an exclusive vr experience...], but also as immersive and detailed as the old games, with less reused plot beats. i can let some of it off the hook in this game simply because i’m aware that it began its life as a tech demo that was only supposed to be that initial first report from the first game But Happening All Around You!, but i Really dont think they could get away with doing this little to expand upon the groundwork set by the first two games again. not with the way people remember part 2 being such a vast upgrade from part 1... the bar had been set so high that this just felt like a huge backslide into something even sillier and harder to take seriously than part 1 before we had any idea what kind of staying power the franchise would have as a hallmark of sega’s quirky antics. like... this game is what i think space channel 5 looks like to people who don’t understand the appeal of the first two games. and that scares me

but i guess for the most part, aside from wishing they had done more to revitalize the setting and the lore of the sc5 universe itself, im kind of glad it didnt do a lot to change the existing storylines the characters have kinda forged for themselves- here i was stressing out that they would pull out some plot development that would utterly and drastically change the way we talked abt the series for the rest of time, but so little happened and so little was added to the bank of sc5 lore that we can kind of all just carry on as usual and keep having the same headcanons we always had.

BUT!!! there ARE a lot of cute little details here and there that make the experience feel wholesome and like i said not an utter cashgrab- like so many of the character profiles referencing previous games [all of the references to npcs in this game being relatives of the npcs of the last games made me lose it] and how often ulala changes her expressions up and looks right at you and talks to you. the new music they wrote for the game also all slaps and everyones redesigns [if they got a redesign... rip pudding] are stunning

one of the most important things they did in this game was give a nice sort of Update to every character.... for example explaining that ulala isn’t a rookie reporter any more like she was in the first 2 games, that she’s moved up to being in charge of training new channel 5 reporters, and that while pudding is still somewhat stuck on her rivalry with ulala her career isn’t stagnant either, she was just cast in a romcom series as the lead... which is really nice considering how in the past she was portrayed as somewhat of a loser with almost no remaining fans left from her idol years

and you knew i was going to bring up jaguar at some point HES ALL OVER THIS GAME AND IT LITERALLY MADE ME FEEL LIKE MY LIFE WAS WORTH POWERING THROUGH THESE LAST FEW YEARS AND ALSO LIKE IM A GENIUS FOR SPENDING SO LONG POSTING EVERY SINGLE DAY ‘NO REALLY, HE’S THE SECONDARY PROTAGONIST OF THE STORY, ITS ABOUT CHANNEL 5 AS A COMPANY AND THEIR IMPACT ON EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER ENCOUNTERED THEM AND THAT INCLUDES JAGUAR AS WELL AS ULALA HES INTEGRAL TO THE PLOT BC SHE WOULDNT BE ALIVE IF IT WEREN’T FOR HIM’ i feel like it’s really incredible how in this game he has genuinely nice energy and doesnt withhold praise from ulala just to be helpful in a mysterious way later and he like HAS FRIENDS now. like consider how he went from disgraced former ch5 employee who got mad every time he saw them, to kidnapped robot henchman kinda humbled by the fact that now the turns tabled and ulala had to rescue Him, and now 3 years later his bio is all about how he has a new tv show thats super popular and he has a new entourage of ladies who he considers his '’’’’’comrades’’’’’’’ within the station he founded??? AND AFTER 20 YEARS THEY WERE FINALLY ABLE TO GIVE HIS MODEL JUICY ASS CHEEKS??????????????? NO MORE PANCAKE BOOTY???? THE BOY HAD A GLOWUP AND NO I WONT STOP TALKING ABOUT IT

WHEN I SAY MEOW MATCH THE POSE MOTHERFUCKERS THIS BLONDE BASTARD GETS TO BE IN CHARGE OF THE HUNDRED STAGE BATTLE NOW TOO THIS IS THE YEAR OF THE SPACE PIRATES BAYBEE

[ac122400]

Can I post my Chat Blanc theory?

.

.

.

.

.

So we obviously see a lot of crazy shit in the trailer right??? There is no way in hell they just let that slide and had love square drama without bringing all that up at least once in either Love Eater or Miracle Queen.

Adrien sees Emilie as Chat Noir, and thus he should know that Gabriel is Hawkmoth. He also sees Ladybug leave his room, leaving a note from MARINETTE behind. I'm not sure if he figures it out or not, but with the way that he just jumps and transforms directly in front of/near Mari suggests that he figured out her identity and Mari could have seen him and figured out his as well.

We see Chat take the Akuma from Mari, which I assume is how he's akumatized. (Which btw I'm grateful that's how this happened bc thats so much better than a rejection plot).

This in turn causes the fight between them to take place, and who is with Ladybug? Bunnix.

Now why would she be there? Remember what she said she was for in her last episode? "The hero of last chance" or something along the lines of that. She's called when nothing else has worked.

Maybe somehow, someway, future LB and Hawkmoth figure out this alternate timeline shit is going down (probably an akuma or things changing in their future timeline) sso LB sends Bunnix to check it out.

(Or this could be future LB after the reveal sending Bunnix to stop a premature reveal. Doesn't explain how Chat just doesn't mention Gabriel tho.)

My theory is that after the Chat Blanc fight, Bunnix alters reality somehow and makes them forget some things and makes them believe Chat Blanc was caused by rejection. As seen in the beginning of Love Eater, Chat Noir was dealing with the 'final' rejection from Ladybug.

Bunnix came to restore the order, their reveal wasnt meant to happen this soon. They couldnt lose Ladybug and Chat Noir.

But what would I know this theory is probably gonna get proven wrong lmao, I probably missed lots of important scenes.

All we know is that Bunnix is there, which means important shit is going down.

Tell me what yall think I wanna talk to fellow theorists lol also sorry for the long post, idk how to hit 'read below' on mobile

[aplaceforthesoul]

Anonymous submitted:

(from https://aplaceforthesoul.tumblr.com/post/186420503986/anonymous-submitted-for-tash-to-answer-please)

well Tash, despite your advice and my better judgement, i chose to stay, and ended up getting fired without even being told, 6 months ago - before the pandemic.

what ended up happening was my boss (who promised i was gonna do my masters) got into a fight with the other manager, then quits. he then made a grand gesture of inviting “his” staff to his birthday where he buys us dinner at a hotel, then proceeds to spend the entire night talking shit about the other manager and how he’s the good guy and that we all should quit, then talks about how he could help us in our careers because he has connections or whatever.

by the end of december, the now sole manager stopped calling us in and ignored all our messages. took me a whole month to realise i was fired and wow do i feel stupid now. and with the pandemic going on there is no way i was gonna find another job in time and my visa is ending soon so i guess my stay in this country is about to come to an end, after 8 years. the first few months was tough trying to cope with the abrupt change. i worked there everyday for almost two years. granted management wasnt great, but i had good times with my colleagues. then suddenly, i had nothing to do, no friends, with depleting money. i do miss the place sometimes.

i try to move forward and look towards the future, but these months in isolation hasnt been great. i try not to think about it, but when i do, i dwell about how unfair it was. I dont get to yell or be mad about it, i just had to deal with it. the fact is none of them is gonna reach out to me and ask how i was, if i could still do my masters, offer support, MUCH LESS OFFER AN APOLOGY. i truly expected more from my former employer (the one that quit) because we were pretty close. i worked for him since day 1, i was ROOTING for him to turn this business around, he was the reason i stayed this long, until he just decided he didnt wanna do it anymore? and now his promises to me meant nothing? so he’s just gonna go on like he dont know me? being unable to do my masters and being laid off was one thing, but losing people that i thought had my back is a different kind of hurt. how do i move on from this?

hey friend, it’s good to hear back from you!! but not good at how things turned out ):

if you’ve been in australia for eight yrs, is there any options to stay longer? eight years is a long time!! 0: permanent residency, apply for a working holiday visa to give yourself another year? I’m not too familiar with all the visa options as I’m a citizen, but if you’ve been in the country for 8 yrs and you’re keen on staying I’d have to think that there’s some options available. 

while I can completely understand the necessity for lockdowns, quarantine and isolation, the effect it’s had on mental health is enormous. I can imagine that the isolation hasn’t helped you in terms of confidence and having some direction. 

while jobs are usually thought of as an “equal exchange”, as in your boss gets something (work) and you get something (money), it’s not really a fair exchange because your boss gets a whole lot more out of the exchange than you do. because of that, you have every right to ask questions and expect answers. if you’re not sure about pay then ask, if you’re not sure if you’ve been let go then make phone calls or texts or visit in person to the store, do whatever it takes to get some contact and communication. 

you do get to be mad about this, you do get to yell if you like?! you have every right to, because what happened is incredibly unjust and illegal. you could write a formal email to the owner and express your dissatisfaction -- it might not sound like much, but it could get you an apology and some closure. they’re not going to reach out voluntarily, but if you want an apology and acknowledgement of wrongdoings then ask for that. you could take this to the fair work ombudsman if you wanted to, because you definitely have a case -- unfair dismissal, wage theft. you could join Hospo Voice (page / group) on facebook for some support and solidarity and advice if you’re not quite sure how to take the first step. there’s honestly a lot that you can do, you don’t have to sit in silence. 

I think all that you can do is try to learn from this for the future. I know it’s so much easier said than done, but learn to stand up for yourself more! speak up more, ask more questions with jobs, it’s good to do that! I’m someone who hates conflict and often have issues with people walking all over me and I know it’s hard, but practice makes it easier. 

it’s difficult, but I don’t think you can afford to have too many high expectations of your boss / manager. your boss is your boss, not your friend. even if you have close personal ties with them, when you enter the door of your workplace? they become your boss, not your friend. so the expectation of them reaching out in regards to your masters? not going to happen. not gonna lie, if they can’t even pay you minimum wage then the chances of them financing your masters degree is pretty low -- quite possible they said that to ensure you stayed working with them and they had access to cheap labour. even if you were close with your former employer (the one who quit), he was still complicit in underpaying you and withholding wages. he still absolutely took advantage of you. at the end of the day? he quit the business because he needed to do what was best for him, and honestly I can appreciate that. you gotta start to do what’s best for you, fight for your rights and walk away from things if they’re no longer serving you. 

it’s ok to miss the job and to miss working with the people there, for sure. but use this as a learning curve, know the unions and who to go to for legal support whatever country you’re based in. make sure to ask lots of questions and to get other opinions from trusted sources if you’re feeling confused and you don’t know what to think. know that what happened wasn’t your fault at all, but there’s still a lot that you can take away from this for the future. stay safe xxx

- tash

[the-marvel-imagines-blog]

Madness | Chpt. 6

Requests are Open

Chapter Title: “Collateral Damage”

Pairing: Loki x Original Female Character

Word Count: 4,786

Warnings: hurt/no comfort, Angry!Eva, violence, Angry!Loki

Name Pronunciations: Hjalmar: “He-all-mar” | Aaldir: “All-deer” | Ephinea: “Eh-fin-ee-uh”

A/N: I want to take a moment to apologize for my absence. I’ve had some health problems recently, and within the last couple of weeks, I’ve lost entire days thanks to said problems. I’m finally feeling well enough again to post, but during my time being sick, I’ve managed to come up with quite a bit of content. Thank you so much for reading and enjoying what I’m writing. Even if not every chapter is you cup of tea, it means a lot to see that people are leaving likes, messaging me, reblogging, etc.! Please note that I have taken and will be taking a lot of creative liberties pertaining to these characters. This will be shown in excess during the upcoming chapters, so I just wanted to give a bit of a warning. There are some timeline changes, character changes, etc. Once again, thank you so much for reading. I love you all <3

Tagged: @teddyboobear @alledeglyfunny (anyone who wants to be tagged can message me and ask. It’s not a problem at all)

“Looks like you lost,” I dictated as I dragged him down the stairs to the dungeons. My entire body felt like it was on fire, but it didn’t stop the shiver from running down my spine at the thought of what he was capable of. Ezra showed us something none of us could’ve expected. He was skilled in ways that we were unprepared for, ways I didn’t even know could exist. I still trembled at the thought of my slain comrades-members of Odin’s kingsguard-rising and fighting against us. The more people of ours Ezra killed, the more people he had fighting for him. The battle was unfair and horrific, but we still won even after members of the kingsguard forced Odin away from the situation. Ezra had surrendered after we had gotten him onto his knees. My sword had been pressed against his throat, and all I needed to do was give it one swift motion to kill him. I couldn’t, though.

There was something that kept me from killing him, but I had no idea what it was. Maybe it was the familiarity in those green eyes or the endless knowledge he seemed to have about me. Still, my decision to keep him alive could be useful in the future of Asgard. He was another enemy who would be a prisoner in the dungeons, a man we could retrieve information from. He snickered at me, “you may have won, but what did it cost you?” he asked, glancing down at the wound on my abdomen.

I ignored his comment, feeling the pain radiating from the wound. During the battle, he had taken a swing at Ephinea, a blow I did my best to protect her from. I had pushed her back and tried to put as much distance between him and I as possible, but it wasn’t enough. My sword blocked his axe, and while I struggled to disarm him, I was unaware of the dagger he pulled out until he buried it in my abdomen. The dagger cut right through my training armor-which had not been suitable for battle-and pierced into my flesh. I had not yet seen it, but a piece of me was convinced it was nothing while the rational part of myself was sure it was something much more than I was prepared to deal with. If I could still walk, I was fine.

Behind Ezra and I were the remaining members of the kingsguard who did not sustain significant injuries as well along with Ephinea, Sif, and the warriors three. Thor had taken to the throne room with his father to discuss what would come next. Everyone in the dungeons was silent when they saw the crowd of warriors that it took to secure the newest prisoner. They watched us in a stunned silence, including Loki. I avoided all eye contact with the God of Mischief, still hurt by his actions an entire week ago. While I wished for an empty cell anywhere else in the dungeons, the only free one was directly across from Loki’s, which would undoubtedly cause me to worry much more than I should have. The cells were practically impenetrable, and even if Ezra managed to break free of his cell, there would be no real reason for him to go after Loki.

As we stood in front of his cell, he turned to face me as I spoke, “this is gonna be your new home. I don’t know where you came from or what you knew before this, but you won’t be going back there anytime soon. You said you haven’t seen a sunrise for more than 300 years?” I asked, and he nodded his head, a grin forming on his lips in anticipation for what I was about to say, “well, be prepared to wait another 300 because you aren’t getting out of here for a long time,” I growled, glaring up at him and his apathetic expression. It was as if he had no remorse at all for the lives he had taken, like the entire battle before this meant nothing to him. His reaction was sickening.

He cocked one of his thick eyebrows, “you have a fire within you that you try to ignore, pet, but you can’t hide it from me,” he replied before lunging forward and attacking my lips with his. It shocked me at first, but I leaned into it after a moment, realizing that I could use it to my advantage. Everyone around us who was there to ensure his safe transportation to his cell was left in shock, but they always knew that I had a plan. My lips molded together with his thick ones, and while I was disgusted to be kissing the man who just killed so many of my people, I knew that this was going to work out in my favor. While Ezra was distracted by the kiss, I eased one of my daggers from its sheath at my side and reached behind him before sinking it into his lower back.

He sucked in a sharp breath, disconnecting our lips. His face distorted in pain, and his chest rumbled as I pulled the dagger from his body, twisting it in the process. Once it was out, I dropped it on the ground behind him and reached into the small pouch on my belt to pull out one of the tracking devices I always carried with me. In one swift motion, I shoved two of my fingers into the wound to deposit the tracking device as deeply as possible. He grunted and twisted to break free of my grasp, but I would not release him. I released the tracking device once I was sure it was embedded deep enough that he could not feel it and dig it out on his own. When I finally removed my fingers, I rested my hand against his wound and focused all of my energy on transferring it over to myself. That was the one downfall of my healing power. I was unable to heal someone without transferring their wounds onto myself. While he was not worthy of my help, I couldn’t leave the wound open for fear that he would just pull the device out. Now, it he wanted to take it out, he would have to cut himself open and dig for it.

As the wound transferred to myself, I gritted my teeth, but nothing could compare to the wound on my abdomen. It was like if one had been stabbed by Surtur himself, a scraped knee could never compare to it, so the pain was far more tolerable. Once I finished healing his wound, I glared up at him, “you’re going to have a lot of time to think while you’re down here, and that’s all you get to do. If you move, I’ll know about it. If you speak, I’ll know about it. If you have any thoughts about breaking out of your cell, I will know about it. I didn’t kill you today because I believe in second chances. If you fail to cooperate or if you become a threat to anyone I know or love, I will not hesitate to kill you,” I growled at him.

He nodded his head, “my execution would be against the Allfather’s wishes. It’s a beautiful sentiment-it truly is-but...tell me, pet, how will you protect the two people you love most when one is here and one is on Midgard?” he asked, referencing her once more.

My eyes widened, and he smirked at the look of dread that was clear on my face. I saw my reflection in his eyes and saw a girl who had everything to lose, someone who had lost so much already. As my protective instincts kicked in, I grew furious that he even put their safety in question. I pulled my fist back and landed a hard punch against his cheek. When his head snapped to the side to accommodate the blow, I swiped his feet out from under him to bring him down to the ground. As he caught himself on his knees, I pulled out my other dagger and pressed it against his throat with one hand while I grabbed a fistful of his hair with the other. I squatted down to be at his level, “say it again,” I growled.

He smirked, “and what if I did? What if I threatened them again?” he asked, challenging me, “would you kill me, an unarmed man on his knees? Would you take my life the same way your enemies took your friends life on Vanaheim? You and I both know that you don’t have what it takes,” he hissed, bringing up Hjalmar. My chest tightened, “the only way to save the ones you love so dearly is to accept your destiny, to accept what you’re truly meant to be.”

I narrowed my eyes at him, “and what is that?”

“A god,” he answered with a smile as he leaned into my blade against his throat, “just like me.”

I shook my head, my entire body trembling as anger and rage built up in my chest, “I am nothing like you,” I growled, furious that he would even try to compare the two of us. He fought and killed so many of my people and raised them back to be monsters. What was it for? I only fought when it needed to be done. I didn’t seek out confrontation. I fought, and even killed, the few who put the lives of the many at stake, and it always sat with me. The eyes of my victims never left my mind, for I was aware that I had taken someone’s loved one away from them. Ezra showed in the short time I knew him that he was nothing like that. He killed without remorse, and I saw no conflict in his eyes once it was over. We were nothing alike.

He chuckled, “that’s where you’re wrong, pet. You and I are more alike than you know, and that’s how I know, without the shadow of a doubt, that you’ll lose both of them in time,” he said, and my heart felt like it would fall through the floor. How did he know all of my deepest and darkest fears? That was always the one thing that scared me the most: losing the ones I loved. Of course, it was the fear of so many people, but he was able to pull up the two people I cared for more than anything else and use their safety against me, “it’s in your nature. You’ll always lose,” he added.

My chest rose and fell as I struggled to find air. It felt like his threats were taking the air from my lungs, and I felt like I would suffocate. I saw how big a threat he was, but we managed to bring him down together. I didn’t want to imagine what Cul’s entire army could do. Everything had been thrown at us so quickly, as we had no knowledge of who Cul was or that Odin even had an older brother at all. Everything that happened that day just made me feel uncertain of everything. Still, I couldn’t show Ezra that, “and what about you? You’re the man who kneels before me with my dagger against his throat. You lost,” I hissed.

“You’ll need me soon enough,” he remarked, gesturing down to the stab wound on my abdomen that throbbed with a pain I never experienced before. The wound hurt badly enough that it felt like I would be sick from the pain. I had been stabbed before, and the wounds never felt quite like that. Perhaps, it had just been too long, and I forgot the sensation. I shook the thoughts from my mind and focused on him once more as he continued, “and the moment you come to me, begging for my help, is the moment when you’ll finally realize that you are the one who has lost,” he sneered, his eyes cutting right through me. It was like he could see every weakness and insecurity I had.

“If you or anyone else tries hurt the people I care for, you won’t be able to find shelter from the storm I unleash. You don’t want to make me an enemy,” I threatened him.

He shook his head as if he was disappointed in me, and I furrowed my eyebrows. When his eyes finally met mine once more, he snickered to himself, “you speak like a warrior, but there is no true weight in your words. I know-as well as you do-that you would never pose a threat to the one thing you believe in more than anything else: Life. That’s why I know you won’t kill me. I’m not afraid of you,” he stated, nonchalantly as he leaned into the blade, hard enough to draw blood.

I stood up, sheathing my dagger, before pulling him up onto his feet. He stood much taller than me, but I didn’t feel small in that moment. Even though I was insecure about what would come next, I couldn’t show my fears to the man who was threatening the lives of the people I loved. I needed to be strong, or he would take advantage of my weaknesses. I grabbed a fistfull of his hair and pulled his head down to mine, maintaining eye contact the entire time, “you aren’t afraid of me,” I hissed before leaning in to his ear, “but you should be,” I whispered the line I had been told only once before. It had shaken me to the very core when it was said to me, but I felt powerful now that I was on the other end. My voice was low enough so that only he could hear me, and once I finished, I pulled away from him and shoved him into his cell. Ephinea activated the cell wall before he was even able to regain his balance. I couldn’t help the smile as I watched him struggle to not fall onto his face, but the sharp pain in my abdomen cut that short.

Not wanting to waste anymore time on him, I turned to face the members of the Kingsguard. They were some of the most well-trained warriors Asgard had to offer, so much so that they were trusted with protecting the Allfather himself. The kingsguard lined the halls of the palace at all times of the day and night, and they stood guard over the dungeons as well. I picked up my blood-covered dagger that I had dropped on the floor moments prior and lowered it back into its sheath. I pointed over at Ezra but stayed focused on the warriors before me, “I want two guards posted outside his cell every second of every day. I never want him left unsupervised, and if he is, you’re going to wish that you experienced the Allfather’s wrath instead of mine,” I threatened, feeling my unchecked fury rising further and further in my chest. I surprised myself at the harsh tone of my voice, but I didn’t change it, “if he shows any signs of agitation, I want to know about it. If he takes one step out of line, I want to know about it. If he breathes offbeat, I want to know about it. I want every detail of his existence to be monitored while he’s down here. I want nothing to go unnoticed. If he speaks out of line, I want to know what he said and when he said it. Do you understand?”

I saw the startled expression on every face of the men before me. I had always been known for my calm and collected nature, and the only time I ever broke away from that was when I was in battle. Even then, I had never been so ruthless, especially never with them. They all nodded in agreement to my orders, but one of the guards stepped forward, his eyes just as confused as the rest, “I mean you no offense when I ask this, but...what would you do about it, my lady?”

As I brushed past all of them, needing to take my place with Thor and Odin to discuss our next moves, I answered his question, “I’ll kill him.”

Before I could make it very far at all, Ezra yelled after me, “good luck, pet. I take pity on you for what is about to come,” he shouted, that booming voice echoing throughout the silent dungeons. It was as if every prisoner stood completely still as I walked by-all but one. As I walked past Loki’s cell, I stared straight ahead, refusing to even look his way, still hurt by what transpired between us a week prior. It broke my heart to ignore him that way, but I had to focus on the safety of the Nine Realms. A piece of it was also to protect him. If there was a chance I could convince Ezra that I no longer cared for Loki, that Loki wasn’t a weakness of mine that he could exploit, I was going to take it. It was the best way to protect Loki at that point.

As I walked past his cell, he banged on the wall, yelling my name and trying to attract my attention, but I still didn’t give in. I blinked away the tears in my eyes, my heart shattering as I had to look the other way once more. I did that before, and I couldn’t believe I was doing it again. I was still hurt and angry at him for what he said when I visited him that night, but I could never stay mad at him for too long, not over trivial things like that. Even as I ascended the stairs, I could still hear his pained voice calling my name. My ears began ringing, and the world around me seemed unsteady. When I reached the last few stairs, the wound on my abdomen sent a piercing pain through my entire body, and I jolted forward to accommodate the sudden and intense pain. If Loki had seen me fall as I had in that moment, he would’ve laughed at me before falling down with me, not wanting me to feel isolation and embarrassment. I coughed, and the fleeting thoughts of my love were pushed to the side as I tasted the blood in my mouth. I swallowed it back just as the guards ran over to me to help me up, just like Loki would have done.

*Loki’s POV*

I felt the immeasurable pain that she was experiencing, and I couldn’t help but feel like there was something seriously wrong. That was one of the things that never stopped for me, no matter how deep my madness became. She was still there, an untouched and untainted beauty among the raging wildfire that was my mind. I could always feel her pain, her suffering, her joy, and her love. I could feel every emotion and every ounce of physical pain, which Thanos used to his advantage. While it killed me inside to know that she was hurting, it let me know that she was still alive, wherever she was. This sensation was something new, though. I could barely stand due to the pain in my abdomen. Even when she had transferred his wound onto herself, it couldn’t hold a candle to the pain I began experiencing no long before.

Everyone began filing out of the dungeons aside from the two guards Eva demanded always stand watch over the new prisoner. I had never seen Eva deal with anyone quite like that, but he must’ve made her feel something otherworldly to pull out that side of her. Watching it was exhilarating in a way that I never would’ve expected. I could feel the anger and pain coursing through her veins every moment she stood before him, but I could also feel her conflict. When he mentioned two people-one here and one on Midgard-I found myself trying to piece together who it could be. Perhaps he was speaking about Aaldir or Thor. I was certain she cared little for me after what I did the last time we saw each other. The unnamed person on Earth was what I tried to piece together first, though. Was it Tony Stark? I noticed that the two of them had quite the connection when I was around them on Midgard. What if it was the Soldier? The two of them shared similar beliefs, and he had protected her from near death quite a few times.

When another piercing pain erupted in my abdomen, I gritted my teeth and grunted, reaching for the tender spot. As I tried to breathe through the pain, I heard his laughter from the cell diagonal to mine, “you must be Loki!” he smiled, amused at my pain. I knew that madness well, well enough to know that it was not all his own. Someone had taken advantage of a weakness and used it against him. A small part of me felt empathy for him, but I couldn’t help but think of how he must’ve hurt Eva. As I glared up at him, he cocked his head to the side, “I’ve heard a lot about you. I’m a pretty big fan because of what you did on Midgard-you know, attempting to kill everyone who wouldn’t blindly follow your rule. I have to say that it was a bold move for the unloved son of a false king,” he barked before taking a deep breath and calming his nerves, “I’m Ezra Culson, the new bane of Eva’s existence. You’ve been replaced.”

“What did you do to her?” I yelled, anxious to know what had transpired to bring about a pain like this. Before Ezra pointed out the wound on her abdomen, it was barely noticeable, especially since she showed little signs of discomfort while she was in the dungeons. Still, shortly before she came down to the dungeons, I had felt the intense pain, and I knew she had been stabbed. This sensation, however, was so different than before. When we were on Midgard, I...she had been stabbed. That was nothing like this. I grunted as I stood up straight, trying to ignore the burning sensation.

Ezra shook his head, a hint of guilt in his eyes that didn’t seem completely genuine, “I didn’t come here to fight-not today, anyway-but when Odin refused to my terms and your brother refused my offer to take Eva off your hands, I had no choice. She got in the way,” he said, nonchalantly as he shrugged it off like it was nothing. Even the guards outside of his cell were disturbed. Everyone in Asgard knew Eva, and everyone knew that she was the embodiment of all that was good and light in this world. Ezra acted as if his action of attacking her was nothing serious, like attacking her wasn’t like he was attacking the very fabric of life itself. During my stunned silence, he continued to speak, “let’s just say that you’re not the only one who has it out for Odin.”

“I couldn’t care less about him. You hurt her!” I snapped, slamming my fist against the cell wall and startling the guards and the other prisoners within the dungeons. Ezra would have a hard time in the dungeons because no matter how much the other prisoners hated Odin and Asgard, they could not bring themselves to even speak unkindly of Eva. The longer the prisoners stayed in the dungeons, the more they grew accustomed to her singing, and because Eva showed the planet so much love and kindness, everyone who resided here could feel her energy coursing through them. Her connection to the world and life was incredible. As my chest tightened, I glared at him, “you hurt her, and I’m going to kill you for that,” I growled in a low voice.

He shrugged it off again, “collateral damage,” he remarked, “it’s nothing that can’t be undone. When she gives in and leaves with me, which she will, I’ll heal her, and we’ll be on our way.”

“She’s not going anywhere with you!” I yelled once more, realizing that he was doing exactly what he wanted to do, and I was allowing it to happen. He was crawling right under my skin, and I couldn’t stop it. It was like Thanos all over again. Ezra just knew my weakness, and he was going to exploit it. He would try to break me, but I wouldn’t lose Eva again, and that was what kept me from falling back into the comfort of my own darkness.

He chuckled, “I have a better claim to her even as an outsider, or did you forget?” he asked, and my eyes widened as it felt like my chest would completely cave in. He couldn’t have been referencing that moment, but it wouldn’t surprise me with all that he knew about Eva and myself. A part of me wished to know where he acquired this information, but the part that took hold of me in that moment was still the nervous and insecure man I was before I fell from the Bifrost, before I pushed Eva out of my life, before I realized that I would never truly be my father’s son. I could still remember Odin’s words as if our conversation was happening that very moment:

“A girl who could pass as a princess even without a prince would be better suited for Thor, and I will not entertain these childish games any longer!”

It was the first moment in my life that I felt utterly hopeless. All that I had done up until that moment seemed like it was in vain. I had loved Eva, and she loved me. When she forced me to relive that memory in the dream, I couldn’t help but associate it with the conversation that followed with my father. He had been the one to pull me from our beautiful moment, our last beautiful moment. Our conversation was meant to open the doors for millions of other beautiful moments, but he slammed those doors in my face, telling me that I would never be worthy enough for Eva, that she was being saved for Thor. It was the beginning of my downfall, and she was the one who was hurt most from it.

While my chest heaved, I imagined ripping his tongue from his throat. I imagined slitting his throat open while he spoke of how Eva was nothing more than “collateral damage.” I imagined his blood on my hands as I tore him apart for what he did to her and for what he tried to do to me. I knew that all he had to do was exploit my weakness, and he would be able to turn me against her. Something in me was broken, and he wanted to toy around with it, “speak one more word, and you’ll wish for death when you see what I do to you,” I threatened, narrowing my eyes at him and realizing just how familiar they looked, like I had seen them a thousand times before. Green...like the color of spring.

He chuckled, sitting on the floor and tucking his legs under himself. It seemed as if he would let my comment roll off his back, but that was the opposite of what he did. Instead, he brought up the one thing I cared about more than anything else. Eva. He grinned, madness in his eyes, “threaten me again, and you’ll wish for death when you see what I do to her.”

Without warning, my mind felt like it was being torn apart, like the broken edges were being chipped away at. As I fell to the floor in a massive pain radiating from the ghost wound on my abdomen and the sudden and intense pain in my own mind, I gritted my teeth and groaned loudly. I could remember her eyes that day, the day I hurt her more than I could ever forgive myself for. I had expected her to look at me like I was a monster, like I was her enemy. However, she didn’t. She spoke my name with fear in her eyes and sorrow in her voice. It was my first moment of clarity in so long, but it was also my greatest moment of weakness and tragedy because I hurt the one thing I wished to protect: my friend, my princess, my love.

My Eva.

[tragictm]

The Future of This Blog

I've been rping on tumblr since around 2012, diving into the indie world in 2014 with my beth blog. It was a fun hobby for a long time, but by 2015 it had become more like a chore. Soon enough I made new blogs, moved every month or two and hoped like hell itd have that spark back. There were moments, people, that made my time here truly amazing. I'll talk about them later. For now, I have to look to myself and to the future.

Which brings me here. While I love my muses and I genuinely adore writing them, something on this blog isnt right. Not just this blog, but all of them. I'm burnt out on this site, its multiple issues not helping, and my constant need for external validation is only making this worse. You've all noticed it, begging for poll responses, asking if a character should be added and making the choice based only in how many votes each option gets. Everything on this site is governed by notes, by reactions, by the thought that what I post here is important or interesting to people. That's not why I was here, it's not why I wanted to write, and as long as it's there i dont know that i can continue to be here.

As 2019 draws near I have to make choices to better my life. In 2019 I'm giving up work to study and follow my dream, I'm giving up my home that I've lived in for my whole life to have a shot in a completely different city, a completely different world. And with that, I'm giving up this.

Writing is so important to me, I've grown as a person so much from doing this, I've made friends who mean the world to me, but this has also been so toxic. My deep and constant fear of duplicates - and yes that includes the ones I follow. My desire to be the best version of my muse, preferably the only version of my muse. I crave attention, crave the glory that I've somehow managed to believe comes from the number of people who follow me. It's stupid. Its toxic. It's made me act like a person I dont want to be.

I dont know when I'll come back. Ideally, I want to be more emotionally and mentally sound before coming here. I want to be less busy. I want to be able to have fun rather than cry because I cant decide what to do with a fucking tumblr blog.

I want to mention some people, talk about what they mean to me and how theyve shaped my experience. That's below the cut. But first: means of contact. I dont want to lose friends, but I cant promise tumblr will be a place I go ever again. For now I'll be on my personal @distortedrebel and probably on @greene-rph but come 2019 theres a chance I wont even be on those blogs. So, heres where to find me:

Facebook, snapchat, etc. are available if you message me, I'd message my personal or one of those accounts though because I wont be logged on to here.

@selfsaving - izzy, you alone have given me so much muse and such a strong feeling of being somewhere I belong. You've been amazing to me, from liking starter calls and interacting with a muse no one interacted with to inviting me to discord servers and being excited to write with me. I genuinely can't describe how great you've been to me.

@mrbisected - kate you've been amazing. You've followed me through so many blogs, even when I never knew who Kenny was. Honestly, I kind of dreaded watching Texas chainsaw at first. I really thought I'd hate it, especially for the first half hour or so. After watching I didnt care that much for Kenny, but the way you cared for him and the way you crafted him into a real person really inspired me and made me fall in love. I fell for nikki because she was hot, but with your help she became someone real and I never imagined giving up on her because of how it had felt having a muse I cared about so much.

@withumans - kacie idk if ur on this blog or using this alias but hey, you're amazing. I know we haven't necessarily been the closest, but you've been a really good friend. You've been through a lot and I know you relate to the need for validation here. You're still young, you're going to grow and change over the next few years more than you could ever believe. I love you, I believe in you, I know you'll get through this. I'm sorry I wasnt super invested in some of your muses, you very clearly love rain more than anything and I really struggled to interact with her, not because of who she is but because of how emily kinney was her fc originally. I know its dumb and petty and I hate that it continued into when shed stopped being the main fc. Rain is a brilliant oc, I genuinely love her and her story. Shes developed, she clearly means the world to you. Tumblr, and quite frankly everywhere else, doesnt care about ocs. They dont care about multis. That puts the two of us in a tricky position. Dont give up on rain, dont give up on ocs. Dont give up on things you're passionate about. You have it in you to do incredible things.

@valorfated - ellie weve talked less lately and I want to apologize for that. Weve had issues in the past, the most obvious being the way I acted with the rph in 2017(?). Theres an age gap between us and clearly a maturity gap there too. Looking back on the way I acted and responded and avoided responsibility is clear. I am sorry for that, I know you were going through rough times and it was rude of me to try to make things go my way simply because you werent there to stop me. Its something I've been working on and I'd like to think I've grown as a person since then. I do want to tell you that you're an amazing writer, and I really hope things are going better for you. Writing beth and Maggie was a really great experience, I loved the dynamic because I've never had much of a bond with my own sister. You helped me realize how sisterly bonds should be and because of that I've started to work towards mending my relationship with my sister and its changing my life. Thank you, good luck with everything..

@gavinsaleks - I saved you for last because this might get long. I'm gonna avoid the literal thousand word letter I usually give you on your birthdays because wow I write a lot, but you already know by now that you've changed my life. The ocs we made meant the world to me and really taught me about relationships and perspectives and what's right and wrong in relationships. You, though, you taught me more. You gave me the courage to come out, you gave me the strength to stay alive in times where I felt like that was impossible, you gave me happiness that i never thought possible. I watched you grow up and you watched me mature and everything changed after meeting you. I never wouldve lasted on this site without you, or in real life really. You're an incredible girl and I really hope that I gave you the same happiness you gave me because you deserve it all and so much more.

[altherei]

A Bargain of Grief

((Note: I meant to post this before I left for a short holiday trip, so the events of this post actually took place on 12/22.))

*******

The summons from her father had come somewhat surprisingly- even more so with how urgent his missive seemed. Immediately concerned something was amiss in her family, Altherei hurried back to the small house her father kept in the heart of the Ghostlands. While it’d been a while since she’d been in the blighted end of Quel’thalas, she had never been afraid of it. The roads were familiar, and she didn’t fear the creeping shadows made by dead branches dipping under the light breeze.

When she arrived at her father’s estate, he was quick to welcome her in and give her a warm embrace. It didn’t take long, though, for her to see the deepened creases in his skin- the past few months had been rough on them all, and none moreso than the patriarch of their family. There was a weariness in his eyes that she hadn’t seen since the death of her mother, and his usual warm smile- the one she’d inherited by all accounts- wasn’t present.

“Sit my dear, sit. We have.. much to discuss.” He lowered himself onto the couch, setting down a kettle of tea and two mugs. He filled hers first, then his own, and the gentle scent of honeymint slowly wafted around the living room.

“What’s wrong, Ann’da? Your letter seemed.. rather urgent. Is everything all right?” Altherei blew over the top of the mug, sending the steam flitting away for a moment as she eyed her father.

“No.. no, little one. I am.. frightened. For you,” He added with a nod of his head for emphasis.

“.. For me? Why?” While she could quite easily guess a few reasons.. it would be better to hear it from him.

“We’re at war, Altherei. I know you hold great distaste for it- and so do I. So do Salaras and Maelus. .. So did Eldwin.” His voice fell- the loss of his oldest son, his firstborn, was still hard. He cleared his throat and continued.

“And I am proud that I raised you- that your mother and I raised you- to have the compassion that you do. That you look around and see this world, and its people, for what they could be. But.. I worry you do not see them for what they are,” His brows creased together, leveling a stare at her.

“You think I’m being idealistic. Naive,” She surmised, but not bitterly.

“Yes. And while I will never tell you to stop looking for the good.. quite frankly, it terrifies me what you’re doing right now.”

“What- with the Outreach? You know about that?” It was hardly a secret, but her father had also kept himself largely shut away since Eldwin’s death. Many of her worst habits, including hiding away in her work during times of stress, she inherited from her father. But many of her best traits, too.

“Of course,” He laughed softly in response. “How could I not? The trips I take into the city are few and far between now, but I see your flyers up, and every so often I see a stranger wearing one of those armbands you’re so proud of,” He gestured to the one she kept on her arm at almost all times.

Altherei smiled a little. She was proud of them- the armbands, the flyers, the Outreach- and certainly the people in it, too. But Darsamane’s smile left as quickly as it’d come.

“But your openness with all this.. I wake up at night wondering if I’ll lose you next. If some rogue loyalist to the Warchief will see fit to take matters into their own hands and hurt you- or worse- just because you choose to try and make the world a better place.” He peered down into his tea, untouched still. Alth took an uncomfortable sip of her own. He continued.

“This world is cold and unforgiving, little one. It will take and take from you until you have nothing left. These factions are much the same. Our leaders care nothing for their people, only furthering their selfish goals. And while you may have found a small pocket of like-minded individuals..” He drew in a long breath, and let it out on a heavy sigh. “I fear there are far more who would sooner take you and your group out of the picture in the name of continued war.”

Altherei frowned. “That may be true, but I’m not afraid of the-”

“You -should- be.” Came his cold reply. Altherei was shocked into silence for a moment.

“Your desire to help, to make the world a better place.. I.. I couldn’t be prouder of it. Really, that’s the truth,” He was quick to begin, “But it is that same desire that landed Eldwin in an early grave, made his wife a widow, and his son fatherless.”

“It was the unethical orders of a power-hungry loyalist and a rigged trial-” She tried to argue.

“Semantics do not matter, Altherei!” He almost shouted, then quickly caught himself and lowered his voice. “I..” His voice caught in his throat, and he reached over to take her hands within his own.

“I cannot lose another child. I have lost two already. Please don’t make me lose my little girl.”

She looked into his eyes, and saw just how tired he was in that moment. They had all suffered loss, but to him.. to a parent, it was different. He lost two of his own children, buried before their time. He’d lost the love of his life, buried her too. And when she considered it all from that lens.. were she a parent, she’d be terrified too. To know that she was almost quite literally staring war in the face and refusing to fight back.. of course it would terrify him. Were her mother still alive it would terrify her too. She had a feeling of what her father might ask of her, and her ears fell back.

“.. I.. I’m sorry, Ann’da. But I can’t abandon this work. I know it’s dangerous, but.. but I have good people around me. People who care about this work, and protecting those of us who chase it.”

“Then let someone else chase it, my daughter- please. Why does it have to be you?”

“.. Because if not me, then who else? You always taught me that I should never wait for someone else to take up the mantle when I could do it myself. That it was every person’s responsibility to stand up against injustice when they face it.”

“Yes, but that was before our Warchief took up the mantle of the future Lich King!” His voice rose, and it was clear he held as much rage and disdain for Sylvanas as she did- perhaps more.

“She had no issues taking a torch to a World Tree- no issues bombing- BLIGHTING- her own city and soldiers to prevent its loss. She may’ve once been a great leader for us but she abandoned our people long ago to serve the dead! Do you think she’ll have any qualms squashing the Outreach? Do you think her loyalists would bat an eye before calling your actions treasonous and leaving you to hang?!”

Startled, Altherei stared at her father with wide eyes. Seeming to understand he crossed a line, Darsamane dipped his head, and the fire that had overtaken his words fizzled underneath the weight of his worry. It all came from a place of love.. she knew that.

“Please.. please, Altherei. Let someone else take this burden. It doesn’t have to be you.” His voice was quiet, pleading as she knelt before him and wrapped him in a tight hug. He knew her mind was made up- perhaps it was why he was so desperate not to let go of her.

“I’m.. I’m sorry, Ann’da- really, I am. But.. if I do nothing.. I could never forgive myself. I have to do this. I’m sorry.” She stood then, and having nothing else to say, dipped her head once and threw her cloak around her shoulders. After she left, Darsamane could only hold his head in his hands. Gone were the days of easy troubles- tending scraped knees and soothing childish nightmares. Now the problems his family faced were intimately, frighteningly real. He couldn’t lose his daughter- but how could he protect her? He was no spellblade, no ranger.. just an old man of science. Surely he’d think of something.

As Altherei departed, her heart was heavy. She understood that her father’s concern, and even his anger, came from his love and his grief. A parent should never have to bury their child, after all- and he’d buried two. In a way, it was selfish to continue the Outreach’s work. But what was more selfish- continuing to aid others despite the grief it brought those closest to her.. or refusing to help the many to bring peace of mind to the few? It was a cold equation, yet simple. If she died for the cause of peace, then so be it. But at least she would have died as she lived- for something.

She continued down the path that lead to Tranquillien to catch the flight master, on her way to handle more work at the ruins of what would soon be Haven. But neither she nor her father had been aware of the two yellow eyes that had been watching their conversation from a distant hill, peering through the windows of his estate. A guttural growl came from a sneer as the eyes disappeared into the shadows.

[neoglowratz]

this year was just nto the year for love for us i dont think.

we started off by getting broken up with by our longterm (four year) partner

then ghosted by our other partner

then was pulled along by a friend who almost seemed to like us

and now weve been broken up with by our year long partner

im kind of just unfeeling about it now, like ive gone through so much outside the realm of love recently and this breakup is just sort of an addition to the growing pile of things i have to eventually deal with. it does help a bit that we have so many friends that we just didnt really talk to much anymore because we didnt see the need to. we saw our future in black and white. wed get through college, get married, move in together, and grow old. i didnt see the need to have any friends included in that outside of my partner’s friends. but now im kind of realizing that that was just the black and white thinking of my autism, i still am human, i still need friends, and now that im losing several because its very likely they wont talk to me anymore now that our fiancé broke it off, i need them more than ever. and so i messaged a few of my older ones, ones that i havent talked to in months, ones that before my fiancé i thought of as my closest most reliable friends and it really cheered me up. hearing them call me bestie and go crazy as i told them whats happened, about me graduating, about me getting a job, about me going to college, and about me getting my diagnosises. and it really made me realize that if someone isnt willing to put in effort to help a relationship grow properly then i shouldnt be expected to either. i guess my fiancé was right about that part, i did put a lot of effort into our relationship and they didnt. i wish they had so we couldve avoided this mess but truly im almost glad now because i would have missed out on realizing that so many people care about me and really would hate it if i just disappeared off the earth. like all these people would miss me so dearly and thats helping me really think through so many of my issues right not. a lot of my stress related to thinking i wasnt good enough or that i wasnt trying to be what they wanted me to be is just sort of gone because these people are my people and they know me for me. these people ive started talking to again have known me for almost as long as the system was known. and im glad to see that i dont have to hide certain parts of myself or pretend to be someone else around them. -sully

{disclaimer: if my ex sees this, this isnt meant as something negative towards you, you tried your hardest and well always love you for that, im sorry it came to this and we really would love to at elast still be friends. this post is just us having the realization that we arent alone and were allowed to have friends outside of you and your friends}