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ginkgomoon · 3 years

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Hello there! I hope everything is going well with you. (・∀・)

I have some questions. In CH 30 & 32 the Time Observer mentioned about the "price being too heavy/dear" & he mentioned that he never expected for Victor to choose that method to prevent the crisis. I was wondering what price is he talking about & what's "the method" he mentioned? & Victor collapsing in CH 32 was not from hitting the bullet I believe. What exactly happened there?

Also...I don't know the details but I think I saw it somewhere that Victor goes through different timelines & dimensions for 10000 years in the later part of the story...? I remember reading it in a R&S that every time he crosses a dimension he'd experience soul crushing pain... The mere thought of doing it for so long honestly made me feel traumatized. I was hoping you could give me some insights as to what exactly he was doing.

I hope I'm not bothering you with tons of questions & they made sense. Thanks a lot in advance! Have a good day! <3

Hello!!

Thank you, you too! :)

I hope I helped answered your questions here. It's quite long, so enjoy the read!

I did Victor’s Time Observer analysis and I’ll be heavily referencing that post to help answer this particular ask. Big thank you to @cheri-cheri and @ey8508 for help clarifying some of my thoughts concerning Victor this chapter! Spoilers down below! ⏱

“With great power comes great responsibility.” -The Peter Parker Principle

We all know Victor bears great power, but also with that comes great responsibility. He is the sole individual who has the will and power to alter time and space, however this develops drastic consequences to his health and to history- all for his love for MC.

Victor doesn’t care about this price- he is more concerned with whether he can prevent the death of the girl in every unpredictable future.

“The person who can save the world… is not me, but her. As for myself, I know my ending line and how much pain I can bear better than anyone. I would rather take such a risk.” -Chapter 35-36 Rumours and Secrets

Chapter 30-6

Victor is seen to be flanked by bodyguards on Adagio Street. Moments later, in a pure white space, we see the Time Observer addressing Victor.

I stood in the centre of the street, looking hesitantly around, but I was unable to spot that familiar figure.

In the dead of the night, from the distant horizon, there seemed to come the sound of a mechanical little violin.

In a boundless, pure white space, the music would be at time peaceful and solemn, and at others somber and mournful. After the final note, that pair of tightly-closed eyes opened.

The Time Observer looked at Victor, neither showing surprise.

That pale white hand brushed lightly over the violin strings, and his gravelly voice spoke up with the pluck of the string.

TO: “The natural rules of operations no longer supply. This world… in memory is a turbulent past and in imagination, there is no serene future. She should have stayed in that world. Her return was a mistake.”

Victor: “If you’re still here that means we still have a chance.”

TO: “A chance that comes at such a heavy cost. Is it really worth it? You will soon understand, in some things, you are doomed to helplessness. Try with all your might, and yet, it remains out of reach.”

Victor: “I won’t let her die again. No matter when."

This will foreshadow future events such as in Chapter 32, where Victor shows a demonstration of this.

Chapter 32-6

Amidst the scattering glass shards, I saw a number of bullets flying towards me.

Only one thought ran through my mind.

Am I going to die?

Chapter 32-8

In the darkness, a crack suddenly splits open, and a blinding light appears, obscuring my sight. My heartbeat practically came to a standstill, the pain I expected never came. The blinding light disappeared, instantaneously replaced by darkness.

Time seemed to pause for a second.

The pitch black bullets, the fractured glass, the car in mid-air…

And then it fell all heavily to the ground.

And in this moment, Victor challenged “fate”, or rather, the “natural rules of operations”, stated by the Time Observer.

I reached out and grabbed the black clothing fluttering before me. Even my voice was trembling.

MC: “Victor…”

I looked in a daze at the man before me, at those fierce eyes beneath his wind-blown hair.

He was looking back at me, as if trying to etch me into his eyes with his deep gaze. But there was another emotion hidden within as well.

After confirming he was unharmed, I let out a sigh, then looked anxiously into his eyes.

MC: “What are you doing here?”

Victor: “Do you have any idea what you’re doing?”

But this time, his voice was flat.

MC: “I’m sorry… but I know exactly what I’m doing. I’m not unaware of the danger… I must simply stay and stop them.”

I hastily wanted to get Victor out of danger, but his feet were planted firmly. I looked up, to get a look at his expression.

His voice was steady, stopping me in my tracks.

Victor: “I see.”

MC: “You really believe I can stop them?”

Victor: “I said before, even if you don't trust yourself, always trust me. I won’t do anything I'm not sure I can handle. Go what you think needs to be done.”

He patted the back of my head lightly, with a hint of tremor in his voice. He didn’t ask me or stop me, as if he already knew the choice I’d made.

So, while the STF agents and runaway Evolvers were battling, MC was literally going to die at that moment. But Victor enters- using his Evol to stop time, ultimately stopping the bullets and MC’s death.

I whirled around, hoping to catch sight of him.

MC: “Victor!”

I wanted to tell him I’d done it, that I really had prevented this crisis.

A faint worry floated up in my chest. What about Victor?

Medic: “Someone, come quick! There’s another person here!”

I turned and hurried to the end of the bridge.

I then quickly found him.

Ringed by a crowd of people, there he was, the person I would recognise anywhere.

It was…

I halted my steps for a moment, then ran to him without hesitation.

I broke into a panic.

Chapter 32-10

Victor… What happened to him??

I pushed the crowd aside and frantically ran to him.

His face was pallid, eyes squeezed shut, his hair plastered messily to his forehead with sweat. I grasped his hand, unable to believe how icy cold it felt to the touch.

MC: "How could you… Why did you…”

Just then, those eyes shut with pain cracked open. He pursed his lips and then coughed violently, blood started trickling out. Even like that, he still chuckled weakly.

Victor: “I used to think… that your problem was that you thought you could control fate all by yourself. Stubborn, self-reliant, in over your head. Whenever anyone tried to tell you anything, no matter what they said, it was always in one ear and out the other.”

Although it sounded a little weak, his voice was unusually calm, and didn’t really even pause or halt. Almost if, if he stopped, he wouldn't be able to start again.

Victor: “But I really did learn a little something from you. You are the thing unto yourself, so only know the best what your values and decisions should be. No one can guide you. And just like I can’t hold you back, you also can’t change this decision that I’ve made. Don’t ask why, this time, just let me say my piece.”

His voice grew weaker, but he managed to lift his right hand and place it over mine.

I clasped his hand, and a feeling of suspense and dread came over me like I'd never felt before.

MC: “I know… I know… You don’t have to say more.”

He was afraid of something, but not because his life was slipping away. It was more like… something would happen.

Victor closed his eyes, completely exhausted. I squeezed his hand tighter, as if trying to hang on to those remnants of warmth.

You have to make it through this.

A man standing by the riverside swiped his hand through the fog, swiped his hand through the fog, stirring it up into an erratic vortex.

Zero: “Did he actually…”

TO: Like I said before, he is the most suitable candidate.”

Zero: “But he refused to help us open the Door of Return.”

TO: “Perhaps it’s only temporary, and he’ll change his mind. I didn’t imagine he’d choose this method for preventing this crisis. Too bad… the price was so dear.”

After Victor saves MC from death, she finds him on the ground- pale and in terrible pain. Throughout Victor’s time with MC, we slowly see the influence he has on her- and the influence she has on him. He tells her that while she shoulders everything on her own and never listens to anyone, she did teach him things in the process. With her love and kindness, she strives to defy “nature's course” and saves worlds. Literally.

You were correct, Victor didn’t suffer injuries from the bullets because he stopped them just in time but Victor is overusing his Evol, and it’s gradually taking a toll on his body. Even back before MC crossed over to the Winter World, Victor was trying to find other alternative ways for MC to live and not sacrifice herself. Unfortunately, there were none. He did also suffer immense pain whenever he time traveled, especially when it led to his time travel pocket watch cracking and breaking in the end.

Victor would normally be practical and very principled in how he executes his plans, but this time around, it was him. This- he- was the plan. That's it. This is similar to how Victor opened a time rift to send MC away in Chapter 18- to somewhere and sometime in space. He waited for her to come back with the help of the Time Observers to confirm her safety. Only someone with his powerful Evol could do that, otherwise they’d risk losing consciousness in the “Time Rift”.

Additionally, he held onto that hope that MC could and would be saved in the end, like how he tried to find her for 17 years after the orphanage incident, not knowing whether she was dead or alive. Victor wants to wield that control, denying “helplessness” and “winning all the bets” he had with MC prior to her “death” in Chapter 18. Victor stated that if she couldn’t trust herself, then she should trust him and his decisions to protect her. Even if it’s detrimental to his health. Life-threatening, even. Because in the end, Victor knows he will always win. He just does.

And since he knows that he won’t be able to stop MC from doing what she wants, we now see him fully embracing then acting upon it. He accepts that she’s her own person and he has grown to have so much faith in her, seeing how she successfully survived Winter World then coming back home safe. It’s almost like- “okay. It’s you and me against the world”.

On the sidelines, Time observer and ZERO both observe, surprised that Victor will pay such a high price to avoid MC’s death from occurring- with the risk of his own. Could they have lost their most powerful time Evolver from this incident?

Though, we shouldn’t be surprised that the Time Observers think that Victor would be so foolish to use his Evol up to the point where it would actually kill him just to save MC. It's literally in their name- “Observers''- they haven’t and aren’t even allowed to actively participate in the events that happened in Loveland, let alone the different histories and worlds that existed, other than claiming to “correct it” by influencing other people who can. They don’t appear to have this kind of empathy in understanding Victor and why he wants to save MC’s life, or how important she is to him.

“You misunderstand. We never alter, we are correctors of history. We want you to join us, your power’s scope of influence has already surpassed the dimension of this current world. Before you are rejected by it…”

Victor: “I will not leave this world.”

“Even if you’ve seen the future of what is all to pass?”

Victor: “No matter what happens, the person I’m seeking for is right here.” -Black Curtain: Chapter 6

Also taken from my Time Observer Analysis-

Since Victor’s Evol is strong and has the capability to do more than “observe” like the Time Observers, he is the one who is deemed the most suitable and more responsible for “grasping the time in the past and the future”. Ever since STF found out about Victor’s Evol, they wanted him to cooperate with them too. Every time he stops time, certain surrounding energy and space changes.

The organisation also entertains the idea of fate, and how things should be refused to be changed. Since they have “seen the future of how the world ends”, they want Victor to cooperate with them in making it stop. Nobody can rewrite the ending among them, except him. Victor refuses to join because he doesn’t adhere to this idea.

“QUEEN’s return has brought unexpected consequences; the entire collapse of the world is ahead of schedule. The world’s line has come to an end, no matter through time or space, we can no longer interfere in this world.” Was there a difference in letting each world go to the end alone to close all the world lines in the future directly? Although we found a breakthrough, this situation really caused us a lot of headaches: she who should not have survived and she should not have been sent to other worlds. As a result, it would seriously interfere and disrupt the timeline. No one had done it before, and no one except Victor could do it.

In disbelief, we weighed it and threw the olive branch- as long as he is willing to cooperate, we will help him find her. As decisive as he was to refuse a few times before, this time he had promised me without thinking. And for a moment, I didn’t know if his decisiveness was good or bad. -Chapter 33-34 Rumours and Secrets

Victor "travelling ten-thousand years in the future" was mentioned in his Chapter 35-36 Rumours and Secrets. The Space and Time Administration (who the Time Observers were under) could "repair his abilities", after he stopped the bullets from hitting MC. He would have to stay there for the Space and Time Administration's time duration of ten-thousand years. Victor accepts. (BIG THANKS TO @cheri-cheri FOR CORRECTING ME LAST MINUTE WITH THIS ONE, YOU AMAZING HUMAN!!)

#mlqc #mlqc victor #love and producer #mr love queens choice #恋与制作人 #mlqc translation #mlqc analysis #mlqc en #mlqc time observers #victor #mlqc spoilers

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docholligay · 3 years

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I’m sorry if this is too personal. I was really late for work today and now i feel like a total lump of trash.( first real job). Any words of advice besides don’t oversleep?

I mean, don't oversleep is the best way to avoid feeling like this in the future. Not being late is the best way to avoid the feeling of shittiness, over being late.

I’m not sure whether you want advice on not being late, or on not feeling like a piece of shit, so we’ll double prong it. At least half of the “stop being late” advice, you and anyone else reading this won’t take, but at the very least I can say I put it out there.

I have ADHD, and so a lot of those tips are based around what works for me, but certainly you don’t have to have ADHD to use them--inattention is a sign of a million different things, as is executive dysfunction, and sleep disruption is basically normal in our constantly connected culture. You don’t need any pedigree to use this.

On Not Being Late, With Special Attention to Sleeping.

Go to bed at a decent hour.

Figure out how much sleep you need in a night to move quickly in the morning, and move your bedtime back so you have a certain amount of cushion in the morning, depending on how far you live from work. It may annoy you to go to bed at 9, 10, etc, but you want to be a human being who does well at your job, and that takes certain sacrifices.

Don’t just lay in bed, sleep

Here’s the one no one will listen to me on: TURN OFF YOUR FUCKING PHONE AND PUT IT ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM. PUT IT THE FUCK DOWN. Not only does it keep you awake for longer, but you’ll roll over at 2 am to “check the time” and end up on it for at least another half hour. You can keep it next to you if you legit have the willpower not to pick it up--I am not allowed to pick mine up from about 11:30 to 6 am, and I’m fine with that--but most people especially starting out, just don’t. Our addiction centers have been hijacked by technology in a ton of ways. If you need a transition, I really highly recommend getting a real, physical book and reading for about an hour before you go to sleep.

But I can’t sleep, I just lay there! Well, just lay there in the darkness!! Have some meditation and alone time! When I was a kid, my mom always used to tell met that I didn’t have to sleep, but I did have to rest. I still wake up every night about 3ish and stay awake for about a half hour/hour, but I don’t grab anything! I write stories in my head, I think about things, and eventually I go back to sleep. Meditate, recite poetry, whatever, but DON’T GRAB YOUR PHONE.

Get a very loud alarm clock and put it on the other side of the room.

When I was in high school I literally had this:

youtube

With the volume turned ALL the way up, playing reveille. It was the only way, really, to get myself up and get moving. I’m a lot better now, but in initial training, it was really tough for me. Putting it on the other side of the room means you can’t hit snooze. Don’t. Snooze is dead to you now. Snooze isn’t helpful and half the time you go back to a fitful sleep, and for what?

Leave your phone alone while you get ready.

I wake up early so that I can do my morning routine of reading the NYT on my phone. If you need “phone time” in the morning, make it a specific, laid out thing, not come endless scroll while you’re supposed to be doing other shit. My alarm goes off, I grab my phone and read, another alarm goes off, and it’s time to set down my phone and get dressed. Set multiple alarms for yourself, ONE MINUTE APART, NOT FIVE, if you have trouble setting down your phone. Annoy yourself into compliance. Set it down, and leave it at your bedside table. If you forget and pick it up, correct yourself, set it down, and keep getting ready. I find it useful if I’m having a rough time of it to put it by the door, or something, somewhere inconvenient.

Lay stuff out the night before.

Clothes, breakfast, etc. Then you can basically run through like a whirlwind. I can be ready in 30 minutes or less, generally, which ALSO gives me some slack.

All this has helped me IMMENSELY over the years and I do pretty well now!

On Not Feeling Like a Piece of Shit

I am a big believer in the useful qualities of guilt! Guilt is often a good guide for ourselves about the things we probably should be doing. We feel guilty blowing our entire afternoon refreshing tumblr/fb/etc because it’s a dumbass way to waste a lifetime. That being said, like anything in life, it has its limitations.

Are you working toward doing better next time, in a real, concrete way? Have you put things into place to try and make it less likely to happen? Than the guilt has served its purpose. You can release it. Even go all Marie Kondo and thank it for having shown you more of the person you’d like to be, but then let it go. Clinging to it out of some desire to self-flagellate without purpose is a kind of self-centered behavior. Who benefits from you stewing in your own natural juices?

DO we all do it? Of course we do, we’re only human, after all. But I want to encourage you that when you think, “I was really late for work one day, I’m a stupid piece of shit” you answer, “I made a mistake because I’m new to the workforce, and that sucks, but I’m taking steps to make sure it doesn’t keep happening. What more can I ask of me?” and if the answer comes back, “Well, you’re not putting your phone down/going to bed responsibly/etc” then recommit yourself to doing that! But I think, if you’re working, and you are sincere with yourself, you’ll find that sometimes the answer is, “I think I’m asking all of me that I can” in which case, you have no responsibility or even right to hate yourself over it.

It involves a lot of level of honesty with ourselves, but I believe that you’re capable of it. Be FAIR to yourself. And being fair is neither permissive nor cruel. If you’re doing your best, you hav to give yourself permission to forgive yourself. A mistake isn’t worth castigating yourself over. It’s really only repeated patterns of behavior where I think you’re allowed to give yourself a little bit of a spanking, and I’ve been on that side, for sure. But always think, “Is this FAIR to me? Would I consider this FAIR to someone else?”

I mean if I had an otherwise good employee who was really late once, I would think of the times I’ve completely fucked up my schedule. Once is nothing! I’d probably ask if everything was okay, and as long as it wasn’t a repeated thing, no big deal.

#Anonymous

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anamelessfacelessnerd · 3 years

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Not me rewriting the ending to Mizumono only to have a much better idea halfway through so as soon as I finished the first one I started on the second

Rating: Explicit

Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply

Category: M/M

Fandom: Hannibal (TV)

Relationship: Will Graham/Hannibal Lecter

Characters: Will Graham, Hannibal Lecter, Abigail Hobbs

Additional Tags: Canon-Typical Violence, Episode: s02e13 Mizumono, Smut, Anal Sex, Anal Fingering, Mild Blood, Rough Sex, Coming Untouched, Not Beta Read, Dark Will Graham

Language: English

Summary: “I need him to know.” Will looked into Hannibal’s eyes then, searching for the desperation he could hear in his words. “If I confessed to Jack Crawford now, you think he would forgive me?”

“I would forgive you.” It’s clear that Hannibal’s not talking about the murder, but the betrayal. He would still forgive Will for conspiring against him. “If Jack were to tell you all is forgiven, Will, would you accept his forgiveness?” The double meaning is apparent. Hannibal was asking Will if he would go with him knowing that Hannibal would forgive him. It’s an invitation. One that Will wasn’t sure he wanted to decline.

“Jack isn't offering forgiveness.” Hannibal wanted to say “I am”, but he didn't. “He wants justice. He wants to see you. See who you are. See who I've become. Know the truth.” Will takes another sip of his wine and Hannibal accepts his defeat. He really hadn’t wanted to hurt Will, but it seemed that it would be the only option.

“Still, I suppose we don’t owe Jack that do we?” Will spoke again.

Notes: Okay, I know I rewrote the ending of Mizumono yesterday, but I had this idea while I wrote it and I couldn't help myself.

“Do you know what an imago is, Will?” Hannibal asked.

“It's a flying insect,” Will replied.

“It's the final stage of a transformation. Maturity.”

“When you become who you will be,” Will said, catching on to the point Hannibal was making.

“It's also a term from the dead religion of psychoanalysis. An imago is an image of a loved one buried in the unconscious, carried with us all our lives.”

“An ideal.”

“The concept of an ideal always searching for an objective reality to match. I have a concept of you just as you have a concept of me.”

“Neither of us are ideal,” Will says after taking a long drink of his wine. Hannibal considered what Will had just said for a moment. He had nearly trusted an ideal. He thought that Will would leave with him until he smelled Freddie Lounds on him. Perhaps Will was right, neither of them were ideal.

“We are both too curious about too many things for any ideals.” Hannibal paused a moment, feeling a twinge of hesitation for what he was about to ask. It was completely out of character for Hannibal to grovel, but in recent weeks he had grown accustomed to the idea of running away with Will, and he wasn’t quite ready to give the fantasy up. “Is it ideal that Jack die?”

Will matched Hannibal’s pause. Most would not even notice the hesitation, but Hannibal did.

“It's necessary. What happens to Jack has been preordained.” Will’s voice was cold, free from any emotion. In any other circumstance Hannibal would be proud of how well he schooled his expression, but now it just frustrated him.

“We could disappear now. Tonight. Feed your dogs. Leave a note for Dr. Bloom, never see her or Jack Crawford again. Almost polite,” Hannibal was nearly begging now and Will knew it. Their eyes locked and at once Will understood. Hannibal knew and he was willing to forgive.

“That'd make this our last supper,” Will said, considering Hannibal’s offer. Now, just days away from the sting that he and Jack had planned, Will still wasn’t sure whose side he was really on. Part of him wanted to be good, he wanted to atone for his sins and clear his name for good, because even though he had been acquitted, there were still those who believed he had actually killed all those people.

The other part of him wanted to become what everyone thought him to be. Though he hated to admit it, he had felt a thrill as he killed and mutilated Randall Tier. Even worse was that now thinking about that feeling didn’t make him feel guilty or sick, only enhanced the adrenaline.

If he was being completely honest, half of the thrill was seeing how Hannibal looked at him when he knew what Will had done. The subtle adoration and pride that he was no doubt allowing Will to see. Hannibal’s gaze made Will feel things, things that he had never felt with anyone before, and he wanted to chase that feeling.

“Of this life. I am serving lamb.”

“Sacrificial? Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world.” Will snorted.

“I freely claim my sin. I don't need a sacrifice. Do you?”

“I need him to know.” Will looked into Hannibal’s eyes then, searching for the desperation he could hear in his words. “If I confessed to Jack Crawford now, you think he would forgive me?”

“I would forgive you.” It’s clear that Hannibal’s not talking about the murder, but the betrayal. He would still forgive Will for conspiring against him. “If Jack were to tell you all is forgiven, Will, would you accept his forgiveness?” The double meaning was apparent. Hannibal was asking Will if he would go with him knowing that Hannibal would forgive him. It’s an invitation. One that Will wasn’t sure he wanted to decline.

“Still, I suppose we don’t owe Jack that do we?” Will spoke again. Hannibal perked up almost imperceptibly.

“Perhaps a note will be sufficient. I didn’t want to leave the dogs alone, but they’ll be fine for a while. Knowing Jack he’ll send a cruiser to my place within an hour after I don’t show up in the morning.”

“Let us prepare then. I would like to be out of the country before Jack realizes that you are no longer his man on the inside.” Hannibal stood and began gathering plates to bring to the kitchen because of course he would want to leave the house spotless. Will helped him with the dishes and wiping everything down. They caught eyes several times, both revving with the anticipation of what was to come. Will considered apologizing for his conspiracy, but when he looked into Hannibal’s eyes he knew he was already forgiven.

It was a little intoxicating to know that he had this kind of control over hannibal. To know that he made Hannibal beg. He wondered how else he could compel him to beg. That was, once they stopped dancing around the physical aspect of their relationship and finally just fucked like they both wanted to.

Once they were finished they retired to the study to write a note. Hannibal wandered around, collecting particular books and knick knacks that he wanted to bring while Will drafted a note. After much thinking and many balled up pieces of paper, Will finally got it right. When he finished, he handed it to Hannibal to read.

“This will do nicely,” Hannibal said. He slipped the letter into an envelope and sealed it with blood red wax and a stamp that bore his initials.

Will watched as the wax dripped. The flow of the thick liquid was giving him all sorts of dirty thoughts. Thoughts of Hannibal pouring that warm liquid all over his body. Thoughts of being covered in other kinds of red liquid. Will had to take a deep breath to steady himself and bring some blood back up to his head.

When the wax had dried, Hannibal handed the letter to Will, fingers brushing against Will’s skin tenderly.

“I have a surprise for you,” Hannibal said, hand coming to grip Will’s wrist.

“Oh?” Will replied.

“Come with me.” Hannibal led Will upstairs, never letting go of his wrist. Will had only been to the upper floor of Hannibal’s house a few times, and never in the dark, so he didn’t really know where they were going. He had two ideas, one much more enticing than the other, but both equally likely.

As it turned out, neither of his assumptions were correct. Hannibal led him to a closed door at the end of the hallway and knocked.

“May we come in?” He asked. Will didn’t even have time to question who was in there before the door was being opened from the inside. Standing in the doorway was none other than Abigail Hobbs.

“Hi Will,” She said, a small smile playing on her chapped lips.

“Abigail?” Will asked, voice barely audible. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Had Hannibal drugged him? Was he hallucinating?

“How are you here? You’re dead,” Will said.

“Not dead, just misplaced,” Hannibal replied, “they never found a body, well, not a whole body at least. It was merely a charade.”

Abigail tucked her hair back to show Will the flesh where her ear had been. It was healed over by now, but it still brought a wave of bile up in Will’s throat.

“You’ve been here this whole time?” Will asked, choking down the anger that was building in him. There was no sense getting angry now, especially when he was teetering on the edge of a new beginning.

“I’m sorry,” Abigail said, tears welling in her eyes.

“I forgive you,” Will said. Abigail took two big steps forward and wrapped her arms around Will’s middle, burying her tears in his shirt. He brought a hand to her hair and stroked, both soothing her and assuring himself that she was really there and really alive.

“Thank you,” Will whispered to Hannibal. He wasn’t sure what he was thanking him for. Maybe for keeping Abigail alive, maybe for bringing him to her, maybe just because he didn’t know what else to say.

Hannibal’s hand came to rest between Will’s shoulder blades, fingertips shooting electricity down his spine.

“I do not wish to rush you two, but we must be going,” Hannibal said, “there is still much for us to do and little time to do it.”

Abigail pulled back from Will and wiped her eyes on her sleeve, sniffling a few times.

“Will, would you care to help me pack?” Hannibal asked.

“Yeah, sure.” Will cast one last glance at Abigail before following Hannibal to his bedroom.

“Everything in that top drawer must come,” Hannibal said as he set a large suitcase on the bed. Will began transferring the carefully folded garments from the dresser to the suitcase while Hannibal sorted through his suits to find the ones he liked best.

Will and Hannibal's hands brushed for what felt like the 500th time that night as they both attempted to place clothing in the suitcase at the same time. Their eyes met and there was a moment of contemplation before they pounced.

Will dragged Hannibal to the floor and straddled him, hands balling up around fistfulls of Hannibal’s jacket as he pressed their lips together. Hannibal kissed back with equal fervour, hands sliding back to cup Will’s ass. Will moaned into the kiss and rutted his hips against Hannibals. Hannibal bit Will’s lip, not stopping until he drew blood.

They broke away, panting and breathing each other in. Hannibal brought one hand to Will’s cheek and stroked, the pad of his thumb brushing over Will’s parted lips. Will sucked the digit into his mouth, tongue lapping at the sensitive skin.

Will ground his hips down, ass rubbing against Hannibal’s rapidly hardening cock. The older man stared up at him in wonder, lips parted and eyes blown wide. He withdrew his hand, swiping his thumb along the bleeding cut on Will’s lip until the skin was stained red. Then he brought it to his own mouth, his eyes rolling back as he savored the metallic taste of his lover’s blood.

“You taste divine Will,” Hannibal said, deep voice sending tremors through Will’s body. That was it, that was the breaking point for Will.

“Take your fucking clothes off,” He demanded as he scrambled off of Hannibal to remove his own clothes.

“Such crass language,” Hannibal scolded, clicking his tongue disapprovingly, “whatever should I do about that?”

Hannibal was trying his best to regain some of the power he had lost in this exchange. Will would let him believe that he did, if only to sate his ego, but Will knew deep down that he was in control. He had known since before Hannibal had pleaded with him that he was in control here. Hannibal had several layers to his persona. The first was the polite, yet slightly eccentric doctor who loved good food and opera, behind that was the calculating psychopath cold, and emotionless. His true personality was hidden deep within himself, but Will was able to see it, after all, he had not yet met a person he couldn’t read.

The person that Hannibal truly was was driven by his emotions. Anger and hurt bubbled under his skin, suppressed by years of burying everything akin to a feeling deep below the surface. He was intensely narcissistic and hedonistic. Everything he did was to fulfill his desires. He ate to satiate his hunger, he killed to assuage a compulsion. He acted solely in his own self interests, and right now Will was his interest. That gave Will ultimate power over Hannibal. He wanted Will in every sense of the word, and would do nearly everything to have him.

Perhaps what solidified Will’s control was the fact that he was aware of this while Hannibal wasn’t. Hannibal had spent so much effort repressing feelings that he genuinely believed that they were never there in the first place. Will knew about Hannibal’s nature, not from the beginning, no he was fooled like everyone else at first, but certainly longer than he let on. He only raised the issue with Jack when he was in danger.

Will put on the facade of being overly emotional, of being unstable, but deep down he was something different entirely. That’s why he was so good at “faking” the coldness he showed with Hannibal, it was never fake, the emotions were fake, and Hannibal was none the wiser. This was Will’s game and Hannibal was barely aware he was playing.

“Will?” Hannibal asked, pulling Will from his thoughts. He kneeled in front of him, now fully nude, his erection jutting out proudly from a bed of well trimmed blonde curls.

“Fuck me,” Will insisted, trying to pass his momentary spacyness off as fascination with the admittedly impressive cock that hung between Hannibal’s legs.

“As you wish.” Yes, as Will wishes. Hannibal will do exactly as Will wishes.

Will doesn’t wait for any more negotiations. He turns around and sinks to his elbows, thighs spread wide to accommodate Hannibal. He heard the older man’s breath catch as Will displayed himself.

“Oh Will, you truly are exquisite. Beauty incarnate.” Hannibal mused. Will watched between his legs as Hannibal reached into the bedside table for a bottle of lube. Hannibal poured the lube onto his fingers, then pressed them to Will’s hole, tracing the rim to get it nice and wet.

Will buried his face in his crossed arms to stifle a moan. The last thing he needed was for Hannibal to know exactly how sensitive he actually was and to exploit that fact. They didn’t have much time and Will was really just looking to be fucked.

Finally, one finger breached Will. It slid in with little resistance and Hannibal added a second. His thumb came to press against Will’s perineum as he scissored his fingers. Will let out a choked sob when Hannibal’s other hand tangled in his hair and pulled his head up sharply.

“I want to hear you Will. I want to hear exactly how much you like this.”

“God, just fuck me already Hannibal,” Will begged, “I’m ready, just get in me.”

Hannibal withdrew his fingers at once. Will didn’t even have a chance to get a word out before Hannibal was pressing his cock inside.

“There you go sweet boy, taking my cock so well, like you were made for it. Like you were born to take me.”

Will had never heard Hannibal speak so lewdly before, but he liked it more than he would ever care to admit. Not that he even could right now with Hannibal thrusting into him with punishing force, hitting his prostate every time.

Hannibal still had one hand in Will’s hair. The other was gripping his hip so tight he would undoubtedly have finger shaped bruises in the morning. He brought his lips down to Will’s shoulder, placing a few gentle kisses there, and that would simply not do. Will needed him to be rough, he needed to be fucked hard.

“Harder,” Will grunted, “come on Hannibal, you can do better than that. Do it like I know you want to. Hurt me.”

“Are you sure you can handle it?” Hannibal panted.

“Fuck yes, give it to be Hannibal, fucking ruin me.”

Hannibal complied immediately, using all of the force he could to pound into Will like he was trying to split him clean in half. He bit down hard on Will’s shoulder, just short of drawing blood.

Will rocked back to meet every thrust, letting out a litany of pathetic noises that he probably should have been embarrassed about. Hannibal was groaning now too, grunting like a beast in Will’s ear as he shoved in impossibly deeper.

Will’s orgasm was so sudden, he didn’t even feel it coming. In an instant his body went rigid as white hot pleasure coiled in his abdomen and he came completely untouched.

After coming for what felt like hours, he dropped to the floor, thighs shaking too hard to support himself any longer.

Once he had caught his breath, Will rolled over onto his back and spread his legs.

“Keep going,” he told Hannibal, “I want you to use me to make yourself come.”

Hannibal didn’t need to be told twice before sliding back into Will. He hoisted the younger man’s knees up over his shoulders to get a better angle as he slammed in over and over again.

At last, Hannibal gave a final hard thrust and spilled inside Will, coating his insides with his seed. He pulled out and laid on the floor next to him, breathing hard and trembling.

“I would have run away with you a long time ago if I had known that was in store for me,” Will panted, struggling to sit up.

“If I saw you every day, forever, Will, I would remember this time,” Hannibal said, reaching over to brush a lock of curly hair behind his ear.

Will smiled and kissed Hannibal again. It was softer this time, full of much more affection, especially on Hannibal’s behalf.

“I would sit here with you for eternity Will, but I fear that we must leave soon. We would not want to keep Abigail waiting.” Hannibal said when they pulled away.

“Of course, but first will you promise me something?”

“What is it that you desire?”

“Do that again as soon as we get to wherever we’re going.” Hannibal grinned and cupped Will’s cheek.

“I would gladly have you every day, my dear Will.”

Notes: Listen, we all know who's actually in control and this relationship and it's not Hannibal "Simp" Lecter.

#hannibal #hannigram #hannibal lecter #will graham #abigail hobbs #smut #fanfic #ao3 #hannigram fic #hannibal fanfiction #mizumono #2.13

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sxveme-2 · 3 years

Text

blueberry pancakes // bucky barnes

MASTERLIST

Description: A single mother. Juggling being a mom, a full time pediatrician, and a difficult ex who believed now would be the best time to finally be a father. A soldier ripped out of time. Ex-assassin turned superhero. Learning how to balance a new domestic life with handling demons of his past, while facing the trials of the future. a love story began over something as simple as chocolate chip pancakes with hidden blueberries.

Disclaimer: I do not own any original Marvel characters! All canon plots and canon characters belong to Marvel Comics and Marvel Studios. This is an original work. You may not publish it anywhere else

Status: Unedited

Note: Takes place after endgame. I have elected to ignore Tony's death and Steve's leaving. Did not happen. Quick Reminder! My works are only published here, AO3 and on Wattpad, thank you.

Chapter Twenty Eight: The One When He Comes Home

Warnings: N/A

Word Count: 2338

Lily and Cedar sat in the lab for a few moments after she posed her question, eyes locked on one another, trying to figure out what the other was thinking. The two were seemingly two birds of a feather when they were younger, but as age and the years weathered them both, they split into two. Neither truly understanding what was going on in the other's head. Lily used to be able to figure out Cedar in a matter of seconds, but now...he was just a shell of the brother she adored. He wasn't who he used to be. It broke Lily to see him like this, but she wondered if it may be a charade. If his entire presence was a trick done by her parents to get their hands on what they truly wanted out of all of this.

"So are we just going to sit here and stare at each other?" Cedar quipped, shifting in his seat, "Learn that from the assassin you let sleep in the same house as my nephew?"

Lily lowered her eyes at his words, a rage boiling deep inside of her, "What happened to the calm and relaxed demeanour from yesterday?" she questioned, crossing her legs, "And don't speak about James like that. You don't know him."

"What? Not Bucky anymore?"

"Not to you, he isn't."

Both resumed the same tense silence as earlier, though this time, Lily's back stood a bit straighter. Her eyes lowered and focused solely on the expressionless face of Cedar. He was hiding something behind that facade of being too weak, but that may simply be the cynic inside of Lily. Perhaps he was telling the truth. Perhaps her parents used him against his own will. But if she knew Cedar, he didn't do it willingly.

"What do you want, Cedar?" Lily questioned, leaning back in her seat as Natasha walked in with pancakes.

"To help," he stated cooly, eyes glancing to the agent that dropped the two plates in front of Lily and him, "To help you, and the others."

Lily stayed silent as she waited for Natasha to leave the room. When she did, the blonde leaned forward and took a bite of the pancakes. Not as good as hers, but not bad. She watched Cedar carefully, monitoring every flick of his eyes and twitch of his hands. The way his breath increased whenever he heard voices travelling from upstairs. He was anxious, Lily figured that out pretty quickly, but also scared. Of what? She wasn't sure.

"I need the truth, Cedar." Lily stated simply, placing down her fork.

He hesitated, mouth pursing before he took a bite of his own pancakes, wiping his mouth before speaking, "They want something they can't have, Lily," he said in a hushed tone, "something I know you'd be damned before ever giving up."

"What is it?" She questioned, shrugging her shoulders, "Hunter? Because I'll take them on myself before any of you lay a hand on him."

"Any of us? You think so low of me, Lil?"

"I do," she stated harshly, voice shaking, "I do Cedar. Rose does too. So does Hunter. So does James."

"So your boyfriend's opinion on me means more than everything we've been through?" He scoffed, pushing his plate away.

Lily watched intently. Everything was going as Bucky had instructed her. He wanted her to rile him up, get his emotions going to reveal something they didn't know before. It hurt her, it destroyed her, but she knew he was right. She knew that the man before her was not her brother, but someone else wearing his skin. Maybe had his heart, but not his soul. This was someone who had been corrupted into something far more extreme than he realized. His actions put so many people in danger, and in harm's way, including Lily, and her son.

"What we've been through?" Lily chucked, shaking her head, "No. No Cedar this isn't about what we've been through. This is about what you aren't realizing. I hold James' opinion higher because he was there to put things into perspective for me when you, mom, and dad, were off doing your little experiments."

"This has nothing to do with him." Cedar stated simply, shrugging his shoulders in a menacing mockery of Lily.

"This has everything to do with him. He is my family now Cedar," Lily sneered, "And you have decided to mess with my family. You stopped being family when you tried to hurt my son."

"Oh my god, this has nothing to do with Scott's either!" Cedar exclaimed, standing to his feet and pushing the chair away.

"Why were you there, Cedar?" Lily asked, her voice as calm as a river after a storm.

"Can we not do this-"

"Why were you there?"

"You can't be serious right now, Lily!"

"Answer me!"

"TO GET HUNTER!" Cedar exploded, flipping the plate off the table, causing Lily to jump away out of instinct, "AND TO GET YOU! TO BRING YOU HOME! SO YOU COULD BE LIKE US!"

Lily stared at the man, analyzing the words of his confession. Her heart raced and chest was rising and falling at a rate that showed she was close to tears. Her lips quivered and eyes were wide. She knew he didn't mean their actual home. She didn't know where he meant. But it wasn't the calm, two story, eco friendly home in Long Island. It was where this new Cedar had been made. Because her parents were going to start with their own family. Make them new, and make them into the icons that the world "needed".

"Well that was quite the show." Tony's voice echoed as he stepped into the lab, "Glad to know Cyborg doesn't just have old gears in his head." The man quipped, turning his attention to Cedar, "C'mon. Don't make this arrest harder than it already will be."

Cedar's eyes dropped down to Lily, who was shaking slightly in her seat. Her own eyes dropped down to the broken plate on the floor, her mind racing as memories resurfaced. The feeling of betrayal sat heavy in her stomach, and she knew that it was her own doing. She should have fought harder for him. Made him confess that he was being manipulated or controlled. Anything to prove that what Cedar was doing was not his true intent, not his true wishes. But she knew that it was, all from the heavy breathing escaping from his mouth as he sneered down at his sister. The way he looked at her, that of disgust and hurt. She could only imagine what her own looked like.

"You've become a coward, Lily." He spat, before turning towards Tony.

-----

Two hours later, Lily sat in her bed with the blankets pulled tightly up to her chin. Tears ceased to fall from her cheeks, seemingly having run out. Her body shook as the dry heaving took over her quiet sobs. No one dared ask to talk, not even Rose. Steve tried at first, and earned a pillow being thrown at him by the broken woman. Her hands were numb and aching from the grip she held on the blankets, trying to hide away from the world. She hated herself for what she did, despite it being the right thing.

The sound of a helicopter or plane above the compound set Lily's heart off into a frenzy. Either someone was visiting, or Bucky was coming home. With Cedar's confession and evidence of DNA altering from Tony and Bruce's tests, she could only assume that they had enough to convict her parents of whatever. But she didn't move from her spot. She couldn't. She didn't want to see him. She didn't want to face the truth of what happened. What she did. She betrayed her own family. But most of all, she failed.

She raised Cedar. She cooked for him, bathed him, did everything for him. She swore to protect him at all costs. Keep him safe from all the dangers of the world, just as she had sworn to Hunter. Instead, she let him fall into the hands of her parents. Those same parents she came to realize were the farthest thing from that. They provided food, and a shelter, sure, but they weren't parents. They never cared for Lily, they never cared for Rose, and all they ever did to Cedar was us him. Convince him of things she knew for a fact weren't true. Maybe that's why he went to them. Trying to fill that hole of not having them as a child.

He was her brother. And she said he wasn't even family anymore.

Her eyes lifted as her bedroom door opened, the face of her son popping around with sad eyes. Lily immediately released the blankets and wiped her eyes, opening her arms to Hunter as he walked forward. When he climbed onto the bed, Lily gave a weak and clearly forced smile. She knew he could see through it, but she figured any sense of comfort that he could get, would help in the times he was experiencing. Hunter sat across from her with his legs crossed, mirroring her own position.

"Uncle Cedar is getting arrested," he whispered, voice barely louder than the wind.

"I know," Lily whispered, nodding slowly as she pursed her lips, "They won't try to hurt us anymore. Ever. I promise."

Hunter wiped his eyes as he crawled into his mom's arms, curling into her shoulder as his warm tears dropped onto her collarbone. The world fell away as she listened to his heavy breathing. Her fingers ran soothing circles down his back, her own pain putting itself on the backburner. Hunter was her main priority right now. It didn't matter what she said, what she did, as long as Hunter was in her arms. He was safe, healthy, and with her. No one out there trying to hurt him or get to him anymore. Because she sacrificed what she needed to.

Maybe more than she intended to.

"Can't you give them a bit?" a hushed voice echoed from outside of her room, "She's been crying for two hours." Steve continued, his voice growing closer as boots tapped on the ground.

"Steve, that is the woman he loves in there," Sam retorted back, "I need to tell her. We also need to talk about her parents' arrest."

"She just helped have her parents and brother arrested, don't you think she deserves a few minutes alone with her son?"

Silence fell. No one breathed, no one spoke. The only noise was the soft cries from the boy Lily held in her arms. Her own heart seemed to cease from beating as the familiar voice of Sam replayed through her head. Something happened. Something terrible happened. Lily didn't want to hear it. She didn't want to know. Whatever Bucky did, she knew it wasn't good. Whether it was sacrificing himself, or forcing Sam to leave. But she figured out pretty quickly he didn't arrive home with Sam. Which only scared her more.

The creak of the door handle set Lily's heart in motion once more. Sam's face poked around, a large bruise on his eye and gash across his cheek.

"Where is he?" She croaked.

-----

Arrested. Her parents were arrested. And she was at her wits end. She couldn't do it. So when Sam told her he didn't know where he was, Lily snapped. She packed everything, put Hunter, Rose, and Joey in the car and was gone. No one tried to stop her. No one tried to get her to stay. They knew there was nothing they could have said. Lily Osborne was sick and tired of being caught up in the Avengers.

She couldn't do it.

No one spoke. Not a word was exchanged as Lily drove back down to the small home she missed. It was enough. But when she turned the corner, a car stuck out to her. One in her driveway she never saw really. She'd seen it, but she and him never used it. They used her car primarily. But her blood boiled as she pulled in and stormed into the house.

There he was, bruised and battered, sitting on her couch.

"Rose," Lily called back, "Take Hunter to Gen's."

Bucky's face fell as he listened to her words. Dread took over his face and Lily slammed the door, her face hard and aggressive. The anger she always hid away fought its way to the surface as he stayed sitting. Neither spoke, neither breathed. The only noise was the air conditioner that warmed the house around them.

"Hi Doll."

"Do not call me that," Lily exclaimed, slamming her keys down and walking across to the living room, "You do not speak right now. You sit, and listen. Because I have had enough, James."

And he did as told. He readjusted in his seat and waited for the hell that Lily was about to unleash.

"You have roped my family into something," she snapped, "I'm tired. I'm so tired. I am so tired Bucky."

"I kno-"

"No! No Bucky you don't know!" She exclaimed, tugging at her hair, "You made a promise to me. You promised me you would keep us out of danger. And here we are, after two weeks of sitting in an Avengers Compound because we were in danger."

"Lily please-"

"No I'm not done talking," she retorted, eyes bearing down into him, "I felt so sick these past weeks. Not knowing where you are, what you're doing. If you're alive! I sat in my bed like the dotting wife who was waiting for you. But for the love of GOD Bucky I can't keep doing that!"

"Lily I'm retiring."

"No don't do that," Lily whispered, tears rolling down her face, "Because you know that's not true. You will say you're done and they will rope you right back in."

"Lily- "

"Get out. Get out Bucky. I'm tired. I'm done."

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orsuliya · 3 years

Text

As we can see from the above there is a wide spectrum of possible interpretations of Xiao Qi’s behaviour post-Hunt of Doom. I’ve gone through good three or four different ones myself, some of them more harsh than those sent in by my lovely Nonnies and yes, this is actually something I like to think about, sue me. And yet I stalled when faced with those particular asks; could it be that I had no answer at the ready? Actually, yes, this is exactly what I’m saying. Which is why I felt the need to re-examine some of the particularly juicy scenes related to the subject. If only to stop getting so bloody depressed about this purported change... or, alternatively, hurry up and become a veritable fountain of tears already, with all of this hemming and hawing done with once and for all.

I think we can all agree that something snapped in Xiao Qi after episode 50. Not completely, as during Hu Yao’s retelling it’s made pretty obvious there was still plenty left there to snap. And even then Xiao Qi never went full psycho, for all that he had every excuse to do so. Why, he was able to stop in his tracks and delay - or even partially abandon - his revenge when it became clear it could potentially play into the hands of some unknown, possibly hostile and probably self-serving faction. That’s more than one could reasonably expect; to be frank, when watching those last few episodes raw I got mightily confused. Because really, nobody would blame Xiao Qi for going after Zitan with actual killing intent; it may not have looked quite right even then, but it made actual sense for the character.

And oh dear, did he become ruthless! I don’t think that drama!Xiao Qi would have normally gone after witless Imperial Mooks with such utter ruthlessness when not threatened directly and certainly not because of an insult. Until he did in episode 55, that is. Without one word, like a bloody grim reaper. Not to say that he was ever loud or, gods forbid, hesitant about his killing. But neither was he this single-minded about it. There is still plenty of emotion there or rather there is plenty of emotion before - including an actual tear! - and none in the immediate aftermath of the killing.

Huh. Is it me or does this scene resemble nothing more than a burnt offering? It’s a ritual sacrifice, just look how it’s framed! Plenty of fire and smoke, sacrificial animals Mooks butchered and fired up right at the gravesite and Xiao Qi as the presiding priest entering into communion with the dead and making a solemn oath meant to ensure their peaceful rest. Well, isn’t this neat. But it’s not about the aesthetics. It’s about the way this oath is worded. Xiao Qi addresses his fallen brothers directly, which means this whole revenge business is not actually about him. It would be much, much easier if it was! The only way he enters into this equation personally at this stage is as an executioner... and as a debtor. He feels that he owes those fallen soldiers, that much is made clear. As if he wouldn’t have felt obliged to get justice for them either way! Let me tell you, they take bro code very, very seriously up there in Ningshuo.

And yet, with this oath weighing on his soul, what is Xiao Qi’s first destination? It’s not Ningshuo, where he might be able to clear up this whole supposed treason issue (and wouldn’t that be fun to see!), get resources to exact revenge or hell, even admit and undergo penance for his perceived failings, if that’s his jam. It’s not like he has any other options if he wants to get justice. Unless he’s planning to go full Dark and Toxic Avenger, which doesn’t suit him at all. And yet what is his first priority? To save his wife, of course! Which he could have done just as well with the full force of Ningshuo Army behind his back, which he could have had but for the asking. It’s not like he could have known Awu needed immediate rescuing, he’s not bloody prescient.

So, on that list of priorities Awu’s safety trumps revenge. Good to know. But it’s still before everything else, right? Yeah, no. See, there is a reason he didn’t go to Ningshuo until he had no other choice but to seek out safety for Awu and all those civilians, the Dou kids among them. It’s the same reason he doesn’t force a mutiny right at the very start and not even once he has his back pressed to the wall by a horde of wild Hulans. And why he leaves it to this men to make their own decision to follow him and even tries to talk them out of it, reminding them that officially he’s a dirty traitor and all that. So... Free choice and good reputation of living Ningshuo soldiers trump revenge, who knew. Xiao Qi, dearie, that’s not how you go on a rampage, what kind of a ruthless avenger are you? A very poor one, that’s what kind.

No, really, he’s so bad at this roaring rampage of revenge thing that I’m getting second-hand embarrassment. Because the next thing we know he’s not even framing it as revenge anymore! If you pay attention to that lovely post-coital (what, it really is!) conversation in episode 60, some things immediately jump out. Like the fact that Xiao Qi is clingy as fuck and not that eager to go anywhere outside his wife’s bed. Like the fact that he says that he needs to go as it is his duty to get to the truth. Truth! Not revenge. And it’s not like he’s framing it this way solely for Awu’s benefit as he talks to her of revenge just one episode later; truth is what is going to figure the most in his pursuit of the true culprit behind the Hunt of Doom. Truth and justice. Which is nothing like this hundredfold revenge stuff from episode 55, although revenge - normal, standard type - will still come up time to time. Could it be that this oath is Xiao Qi’s spiritus movens with truth and justice playing the role of a fig leaf preserving some resemblance of reason and legality? It’s certainly possible... if his actions supported it in any way. And they simply don’t.

Because you know what just got put onto that list of priorities above bloody revenge? Duty. Duty that all Ningshuo soldiers have towards Cheng. Zitan is sitting in his room, while his ministers run around like headless chickens. Chaos and rebellion rule supreme... so what does Xiao Qi do? He takes the scenic route to the capital, absolutely disregarding the fact that after six more months and with no advantage of surprise - hard to keep his return secret when he’s at the head of an army - the trail of this dastardly culprit could go completely cold.

So far the list of Xiao Qi priorities goes something like this:

Awu,

his living men, which includes their reputation and freedom of choice,

his duty to Cheng and its people,

truth and justice,

revenge.

Which is pretty much what it would have looked like before episode 50, minus revenge that is. Ah, no, sorry, there is a change. There is an additional bullet point, Song Huaien. Who had gone well before truth and justice before the Hunt of Doom (remember that burnt receipt?) and now slots in right behind it. Still trumps revenge though! If he didn’t, Xiao Qi would have pressed harder during their little tete-a-tete at the end of episode 60. But no, he loses control only for the barest moment and even then it takes an implied insult to the honour of his fallen brothers in general and Best Bro in particular. Or, if that is not proof enough, he would have involved Song Huaien in his later investigation, putting pressure on him if necessary. And yet that quite noticeably doesn’t happen.

Okay, I think we’re pretty clear on this priorities thing, right? To recap, Xiao Qi’s post-episode 50 list of priorities looks like this:

Awu,

his living men, which includes their reputation and freedom of choice,

his duty to Cheng and its people,

truth and justice,

Song Huaien (currently an outsider) and his freedom of choice,

revenge.

Let’s change the subject. You are right on point, my lovely Nonnie #1, Xiao Qi hasn’t exactly changed. He just became more of himself, shedding - perhaps only temporarily - some parts, while embracing others whole-heartedly. Which hasn’t exactly gone unnoticed. And surprisingly enough I’m not talking about Awu; we shall speak of her fears in a moment. I’m speaking of Tang Jing and his strange way of reassuring Xiaohe that Dawang will be fine during their meeting with Song Huaien. DAWANG will be fine, says our faithful general, keeping a close and surprisingly wary eye on the proceedings. Why, it looks like he might be implying someone else might not be fine, that somebody being Song Huaien. Tang Jing is wrong on that count, but he had definitely noticed something off about Xiao Qi. Or maybe not off, but something that has him at the ready for possible violence, which would have been absurd before Dawang’s miraculous resurrection. Methinks someone is coming over as having no more fucks to give. Well, it’s not like Ningshuo guys disapprove! Just look at their determined little faces and upright postures (!) during the kneeling debacle in episode 61.

As for Awu... Personally I don’t think it at all strange that she questions whether Xiao Qi has changed. It would be much, much stranger if she didn’t. Her doubt is only natural as it comes right after she gets proof that Su Jin’er betrayed her in a most heinous way. And it’s not the first time she was taken by surprise like this: most of her loved ones changed in most unpleasant ways and some simply revealed their true colours. Daddy Wang, Daddy Emperor, Empress Dowager, Zitan, Potato (if one believes Helan Zhen), Xie Wanru, Zilu, Mi’er, Su Jin’er, they all turned out to be something else than she originally thought them to be and even her parents’ marriage turned out to be built on blood and penance. Turnip is not on that list as he start lying to her face only after she expresses her fear to Xiao Qi, although before she does so to Auntie Xu.

But let us look at our Dark and Toxic Avenger. He rolls up to the capital with his humongous army good six months late and does he get straight to business? Yeah, no. First he allows Awu to hold a sweet reunion with her brother, which could have damaged his cause if it ever hinged on empty posturing. It doesn’t, but still, Nonnie #1, what say you to this example of husbandly strictness? That he does not engage himself is not exactly out of character either; he does engage with those of Awu relatives he likes (so her Mom basically) and holds back with those he doesn’t (like the Screechers). He’s pretty ambivalent on Turnip, I think, especially now that he serves as Zitan’s mouthpiece.

Thank you, dear Nonnie #2 for making me pay attention to those two scenes in particular. That episode 61 conversation is something quite special and very, very telling. Let’s start from the beginning. It’s not Awu who raises the subject of Xiao Qi changing; he does it himself. She just muses on the subject in general and he immediately zeroes on it, volunteering such juicy ammo as the fact that other people think he had changed. Who are those other people, I wonder? Tang Jing? Other Ningshuo officers? Who the hell could have known Xiao Qi well enough and be close enough to have no problem with voicing such an inflammatory opinion? Must have been Tang Jing. Doesn’t really matter. What matters is that Xiao Qi is surprisingly conscious of his own behaviour. But I think it’s not exactly a new thing; I think his reluctance to take Awu with him in episode 60 was at least partially motivated by his fear that she’d see him at his worst. After all he didn’t actually confirm her theory about his probable reasoning. But back to episode 61! Xiao is also surprisingly insecure about his actions. At first I thought he was concerned solely about Awu’s perception of them, but now I’m not so sure. He’s a bit too touched and too grateful for her support - to the point of overselling her contribution, unless there were some cuts there, that is - for it to be just that.

As for that playfulness, merry Nonnie #3, there it is!

And strangely enough it’s Xiao Qi who initiates it. Awu’s comment about Princess Yuzhang needing to be brave doesn’t exactly feel like teasing. More like reassurance; I am your Princess Yuzhang hear me roar and you are not alone, you have a help-meet in me. He’s the one who turns to teasing her about her great bravery and being superior to Prince Yuzhang in this aspect. In the old days she might have been the one to put herself above him as a joke; this is weirdly reminiscent of that teasing but with Xiao Qi substituting for Awu. And even so their teasing doesn’t exactly last, they’re too clingy and scared for that. Well, Awu is scared, Xiao Qi is mainly conflicted. Although a lot less than before he got that sweet, sweet validation from his wife.

About that massacre talk... I just noticed that this talk of merciless revenge doesn’t exactly come of the blue. He says it in direct response to Awu voicing her fears. She’s afraid of even greater danger awaiting them in the future... so what does an excellent husband like Xiao Qi do? Why, he reassures his scaredy-cat wife that he already died once and this time it’s the culprit behind this whole bloody mess who’s going straight to hell, never to bother them again. Whoever he might be. I think... I think it’s Xiao Qi’s way of reassuring his wife that there is no need to be scared. “Darling, no, don’t worry about me, nothing bad is going to happen. Or rather yes, many bad things are going to happen, but to the guy who put this fear into your heart, whoever he might be”. It’s... surprisingly sweet. And not a complete miss; Awu is not exactly opposed, she just doesn’t want a bloodbath. True, he doesn’t respond to that; and how could he make such a promise when he doesn’t know if a bloodbath will be required. He doesn’t respond... but he does listen very attentively. And you know what? There won’t be a bloodbath, not in the name of his revenge, even once there is opportunity and proof enough for it.

Also, in this particular conversation? It’s Xiao Qi looking Awu in the eye and actively seeking this contact. She’s the nervous one here, the one whose behaviour is more out of line with their pre-episode 50 baseline.

Episode 62, second oath over Hu Guanglie’s grave. This time there is no talk about any pain or humiliation paid back hundredfold; Hu Yao asks Xiao Qi to get to the truth and restore the good name of Ningshuo army. He’s visibly moved and does just that. Hu Yao as the only survivor among Xiao Qi’s subordinates present at the Hunt of Doom holds a very unique position; she’s the living breathing representative of her fallen brethren, a conduit of their will. Truth and good name? Done. This moment may be, in fact, the reason why Xiao Qi doesn’t cut Zitan into pieces. It would exactly be all that conductive to restoring that good name. Zitan in exile after having publicly admitted his guilt is one thing, but Zitan brutally murderized in his own throne hall could potentially become a martyr. Sure, our Master of Mope is a regicide himself, but any canny politician would disregard that in order to hoist his bloody corpse as an undeniable proof that Xiao Qi needs to die as an uncontrollable beast. Add to that half a dozen wild tales of fiery jealousy over Awu, Xiao Qi’s rampant ambition, Zitan’s tragic martyrdom in name of the truth, whatever that truth might be... and lo and behold, Ningshuo guys are back to being public enemy number one. Well, not to the common people, they’re not, but to all those aristos who already break into hives at the very thought of filthy commoners deciding the fate of the Empire? Yeah.

Soon after that second oath Xiao Qi goes after Zitan... in a suspiciously bloodless, if psychologically earth-shattering way. Still leaving him an out and appealing to his conscience in a way. Which... is the worst possible approach to take with Zitan who has no conscience. That he lays into Zitan’s ministers with unprecedented ferocity is not exactly surprising. It’s not like they didn’t deserve it; even before everything there was a visible divide and even enmity between ‘them’ and ‘us’, it’s just that nobody dared to voice it in the throne room. The only thing that changed is that ‘they’ turned out to be even more useless than usual, allowing chaos and rebellion to run rampant; Xiao Qi has every right to be pissed and it’s not like he never baited the ministers with their own uselessness before. Although now that I think about it... Those two spears to the back might have done his verbal filter in.

The only thing Xiao Qi would have never done in the good old days when Hu Guanglie was still around (in corporeal form, ghosts don’t count)? He would have never threatened an Emperor with a public uprising. With Ningshuo army, however... Well, it wasn’t outright rebellion, but... No, actually. Exploding an imperial envoy absolutely was an act of open rebellion. It’s just that Xiao Qi still cared about forms enough to bow and make sure to give His Imperial Majesty the middle finger only in limited, discreet company. And even that could be attributed to the fact that he had at least some respect for both Daddy Emperor and Potato. Not much. But enough. For Zitan he has absolutely none. Had either of the previous incumbents fucked up to this extent, it could have gone pretty much the same. There must have been lots of dead and starving women and children on the way from Ningshuo to the capital.

Episode 63, family outing. They’re both optimistic enough, exactly as befits new parents. And then Xiao Qi recalls their old dream of living in peace; he does this with certain wistfulness, but the dream itself is something that kept coming up this whole time, so it’s nothing out of ordinary. And then Awu tries to get him to take a break. She doesn’t ask him to abandon his revenge. She wants to put all the current issues off and just... go. He quite understandably dismisses this idea. It’s not that he’s dismissive towards her concerns. It’s that she doesn’t actually voice any valid concerns here! I have no idea what this is even supposed to be. It’s not a demand nor a sensible request. It’s nothing he would be inclined to take on his merits. Is it mean to be a very clumsy attempt at emotional manipulation? After if fails, it becomes rather obvious that it was a long stretch to begin with, one that she felt obliged to make anyway with little to no actual hope of succeeding. And I even get why, but...

Come out and say what you mean, Awu. You can’t have you revenge for this, this and that reason, not without making things worse, just stop. She’s wishy-washy. Put off. Put off his investigation, leaving behind a potential enemy who thinks nothing of murdering people and has a hard-on for Awu? That’s not only stupid, that’s actively suicidal. Put off his all the current issues? Like keeping Cheng in one piece and not letting it slide back into civil war? Zitan isn’t magically going to get better at ruling, you know. None of the reasons for the initial chaos have been removed, well, maybe except a few rebellious heads. This plead, half-serious as it is, is insane. He’d have to be insane to agree to that. And he knows that she knows that. “Sure, honey. Once I deal with my enemies, we’ll go”. Is he humoring her? Perhaps, but I don’t think so. He takes a moment to think before answering. “We will do things your way once things are safe for us to do so“. Because you know what? Dealing with his enemies solves pretty much every other outstanding problem in one swoop. No, it really does. Including public discontent and world hunger. I’m not joking about the latter, by the way, remember that final voiceover?

I am sounding snappish, I think. It’s not that I’m judging Awu, even if it might seem so. I get where she’s coming from and I don’t dismiss her very real fears... but this is not the way to express those. She can do better. She has done better in the past. She’s traumatized as fuck, conflicted about her own role, afraid for their dream, fine. But it’s hard to blame Xiao Wi for reacting like a reasonable human being either, especially when her behaviour should be giving him pretty serious whiplash. One moment she stands with him and supports him in action, the next she offers him reassurance and voices her pretty reasonable condition... and the next she tries to half-heartedly propose something as totally bonkers as taking a break, leaving the realm in utter chaos. He’s not so stupid as not to know that something is up. So acting suspicious? It’s not actually unreasonable. And unlike most MLs would do, he doesn’t accuse her of supporting his enemies, not ever. He’s just concerned, if in a rather brusque way.

In fact, I’d say he’s surprisingly calm when Awu implies he’s raising their kid in a culture of hate in episode 64. He simply reminds the that Xiaohe has witnessed the massacre himself, so his reaction is genuine. And, as I personally think, not a half-bad way of dealing with trauma, very constructive. It’s not like the kid wants to go and shank Zitan himself; he’s talking about becoming a great general and then perhaps taking revenge. And, quite noticeably, Xiao Qi doesn’t say a word to this announcement. And yet the most he allows himself in response to Awu’s not very nice implication is a very matter-of-fact explanation with perhaps the slightest hint of defensiveness and no personal attacks. Now, this turning away from her is... concerning to say the least, so I understand your feelings on the subject, dear Nonnie #2. But.... is it all that bad? Let’s see.

He does turn away and responds only when she calls his name twice. And even then there is something nearly... insulting about his demeanour. He’s tired, that’s for sure. And perhaps dismissive. But notice that this deadpan tone lasts only as long as Awu keeps dancing around the subject, throwing up wild theories, even as they both pretty much know what the truth is. And even then he’s paying full close attention to her unusual behaviour, certainly enough to suss out something must have happened... and immediately offer his support. Which works! Or would have worked if not for bloody Auntie Xu. Or not bloody, at least not yet (please, Daddy Wang, hurry up!).

So let’s recap:

Awu implies that Xiao Qi is raising Xiao Qi in a culture of hate - to which he responds with facts and nothing but.

She uses this to gain momentum for another attempt at clumsy emotional manipulation (which she’s much better at usually) - he turns away very rudely as he finds this beneath both of their dignities and he’s not exactly wrong, is he?

She throws up a truly absurd candidature of Prime Minister Wen as the actual culprit, very blatantly playing up her wifely concern and fear - he dismisses it immediately, not even pretending he hadn’t seen through her ploy.

Then she tries to use her own brother to make him admit that there are limits to his revenge - and he gives her a warning glance.

After which he reiterates his stance and disengages. Which, fair. His previously supportive wife is playing stupid games and lying to him. He knows she’s smarter than that. If she had a theory about PM Wen or Turnip, that would be one thing. But she’s jumping. This is going somewhere. And it’s not exactly hard to guess where. Also, trying to hit the family button, even so subtly? After all they went through and after she already used it once during Screechergate, if in a much more brutal manner? And after she assured him that he was the most important person to her before they even left Ningshuo? Yeah, that’s not good.

And even then he doesn’t get offended enough for it to overcome his concern. Oh, he might have acted disinterested, but he’s been paying attention alright. And he starts the conversation again, asking her outright what is wrong. Because something obviously is. And she lies. Again. He calls her out on it very succinctly and without assigning any blame. “That’s not true”, he says and asks again what has happened. “Your heart is uneasy. Tell me. You don’t have to carry this burden alone”.

That’s more than reasonable. He gives her more that one chance of coming clean and puts her well-being above any possible offence or hurt of his own. “You don’t have to carry this burden alone”, dammit. That’s not exactly dismissive. All the same I do understand why this conversation might trip people up. It’s all about the tone. They’re not tender with each other - well, Awu tries for gentle concern, but she’s lying, even if that concern is real enough. He’s brusque enough for two. But you know what I think? I think this was the worst possible place to have this conversation. Bad, bad choice on Awu’s part. To one side they have a wall of maids including Auntie Xu the Blabber, even as the issue they’re discussing is of national importance and spies don’t sleep. To the other there are two kids. Little pitchers have big ears, you know. And besides, they’re talking about the true source of the kids’ trauma, something that Xiaohe is only starting to process. This is so awkward and so perfect at the same time! You see, there is something very telling about their voices. They’re quiet. So quiet that Auntie Xu, trying for a surreptitious whisper, speaks at pretty much the same volume.

Yeah, okay, Xiao Qi could have played it differently. They both could have. But his reactions are not really anything out of the norm, even if somewhat more human than usual. He’s so bloody tired and even their home - as you’ve pointed out so astutely, Nonnie #3 - is no sanctuary anymore.

After that they presumably go about their business and don’t really resolve anything until the evening. See, Awu really wants to say something when she sees Xiao Qi enter her rooms. An apology, perhaps? Perhaps not. He doesn’t let her either way, only offers to go with her. Okay. So they had that tense conversation and thanks to Auntie Xu the only chance of Awu coming clean went bust. He still comes to offer his support the moment he hears she’s in distress. That’s how very much he’s not holding a grudge. And he reaches for her first!

Whatever happened, it doesn’t matter more than your pain. It never will.

Ah, Mother’s Funeral 2.0 combined with Unpleasant Truth About A Wang Male 2.0, the latter offered after an even weaker token protest than last time. No change of behaviour there! And again, he lets her go and deal with her family on her own terms.

Then we get plotting scene, which was sadly hacked to pieces and we don’t even get to see Awu reveal the truth about Zitan. But from there on they act as one. No more of this emotional blackmail bullshit, no more dismissal, there’s a crisis and they’re a unit. And guess what, revenge just got shelved!

Or no, not shelved. Exchanged for truth and justice. Because even if Xiao Qi’s coup is fake as hell, he still reveals Zitan for the monster that he is. What I don’t understand is why does nobody really care about Zitan murdering Potato, but okay. Either Potato lives don’t matter or they need time to actually make a viable plan how to deal with this rotten kinder surprise. Or, and that’s probably accurate in any case, they need time to come out of shock. I feel you, guys, I would be pretty shocked too. The Yuzhang Acting Company can have this effect on unprepared viewers.

As for the Yuzhang Acting Company and Xiao Qi’s acting abilities... you pretty much know already what I think. And if you don’t, you can read about it here and here. Mark my words, Awu is the tougher cookie of the pair, while Xiao Qi is practically falling to pieces at particularly difficult moments. Then he comes back, actively seeks her support upon being confronted with the source of the greater part of his anguish (the throne, not Zitan) and they go live happily even after in Ningshuo with a whole horde of kids. The end.

Well, that exercise, as amusing as it might have been, proved only one thing. Either I’m blind or I had fallen victim to the Mandela Effect, because I swear Awu was the more clingy one of the two the last time I looked. And it is really not so. As to whether he changed... They both did? Hopefully it’s nothing that a few months of living in Ningshuo won’t cure; you will tear my headcanonny teasy-cheesy old married couple from my cold, dead hands! Even so, it’s not as drastic as all that; they are both fundamentally themselves, only stripped down to bare elements and at the same time burdened with unbearable trauma. Okay, that’s it, we’re done, bye.

Or not bye. Because what about that revenge? Well... I’m pretty sure that Hu Guanglie’s ghost will be pretty satisfied with truth, justice and a golden opportunity to torment Zitan to death in the ruins of the Imperial Mausoleum? Oh, and he also got a nation-wide mourning ceremony. Yeah, he’s happy enough.

#ask and answer #the rebel princess #sorry not sorry for grouping these asks #my heart is a fragile delicate thing #and so can take only a certain amount of angst #before it shatters into thousands of tiny pieces #this post doesn't make sense #don't say I haven't warned you #I'm a great fan of Awu and you know it #but she's in the wrong a couple times here #and I had to say it

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kacychase · 4 years

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After the reawakening [EzarelxMC]

[Commentary: Please understand that all of this has my heart inserted into this after paying too much for a game dear to me, yet disappointing. Beemov, I hate to bother you as it seems to be a waste of time, but please… Listen to your readers, at least to the demographic you aim for and their constructive criticism. Your game has so much potential, it could be so much more, and it breaks my heart that it’s not. Please, for our sake… We have been loyal to you for so long. This fanfic is here because I loved the original story and characters – with its flaws all included, and ultimately, we love your characters (at least the original), and just want a game that gives them justice, that doesn’t make us feel used more so than enjoying a story]

Warnings: cheesy, so damn cheesy, level of extra layers of cheese, ALSO CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR BOTH ORIGINS AND NEW ERA SEASONS

Works: Ezarel (this one) | Nevra | Valkyon | Leiftan (Valkyon and Leiftan in the works)

When I chose you

It felt right.

The way you held me tight,

The way you would brighten

Up my day would

Bring sparkles in your eyes

That I wouldn’t be able to forget.

When things went south,

When people silenced my mouth,

When you let me down,

It took my time to count on you again.

Yet, here I stand, in your arms,

In your scent and your comfort,

In your loving embrace, forever.

Crystal or not, you were an ever-lasting

believer in me when I was in need.

Who could blame you for leaving,

for your sacrifice or getting

Over me?

In the end, I love you, still,

And whether you come back or not,

All of the memories, the emotions

Will never escape them,

Even if Mnemosyne’s spell

Would compel me to do so.

Nothing would make me get over you.

Nothing would make me want to lose you again.

My sacrifice should not be in vain,

And your happiness is what I need to

See as best for you.

Yet… Just so you know,

I love you still, and have not forgotten.

[Ezarel]

It has been… A while, apparently. The war has worn all of us down, and I can’t imagine that Ezarel wasn’t caught with it’s consequences either. I wouldn’t have wanted for Valkyon to die, for Ezarel to lose me, for Ykhar to die, for Leiftan and me to sacrifice ourselves, or just all of this death to happen around me. But, here I am, selfish enough to hope, and to dream of a future with the man I grew to love 7 years ago.

I have travelled on a Chau’Kobow for seemingly weeks. Huang Hua has granted me the wish to travel to him after a letter has forewarned him. It took a lot, and I repeat, a lot of convincing to ask that of her. Why would Ezarel want to retreat with Twylda and Marie-Anne in a completely different place? I don’t know, and frankly, I don’t care. The crystal seems to need me less and less, and Mathieu will have to suffice to explain the whole ordeal with the human world molding with ours.

Hoping that his reaction won’t be as cold as Nevra’s, I ask myself more often than not if I am desperate with what I am doing, and try to avoid the obvious.

When I arrive at the destination, in the far horizon of this clear grass, I can see it – a house, far away from all the trouble. It feels like yesterday when he asked me if we could just ditch the guard once the whole war would be over.

I still wouldn’t hesitate to take the offer… But would he?

Only one way to find out. With a deep, shaky breath, I approach the far house with an increasing pulse. My whole body practically aches to hug him again.

As I come closer, I realize that the whole village seems to be part of a more peaceful and modest community. Having got to know Ezarel, I bet it would be a change of heart to his former life – a complete new beginning. It must be just what he wanted.

Slowly, I get down from the Shau’kobow, taking the last steps to the house. I can’t help but take deep breaths again and again, but it wouldn’t work on slowing my heartbeat.

The door is nice and wooden, just as modest as the town and it’s surroundings. I even see my own hand shiver when I try to knock on the door when suddenly, I a loud noise of heavy weights falling on the ground from behind me alerts me.

Turning around, I instinctively lay a hand on my weapon.

And there he stands. His mouth and eyes are wide open as he watches me, apparently, the sound came from him dropping a few wood logs. Hopefully, none hit him!

But even when I want to ask if he’s okay, if he wasn’t hurt, it’s as if his eyes held me in place. My body begins to shake even more brutally, and I can see how his wide-eyed expression doesn’t change. Please, don’t let this be a mistake. I wouldn’t be able to bear it…

“Gardienne,” he practically breathes out, as if it stole air from his lungs.

It feels like hours that we look at each other like this. His now wilder, untied blue hair and his ears of course are some of the first indicators of my Ezarel. But his outfit, his demeanor seems much less elegant, witty and intricate. He is wearing a simple top, pants, a belt and boots, seemingly uncaring of his poise. While he (luckily) hasn’t grown the moustache that he has once pranked me with, I can see that he seems more muscular, and that this life has changed him.

And I wasn’t there to see him.

But now I’m here.

Without wanting to, my vision blurs from all the tears that roll down my cheeks, and I can just see that he is going through the same thing.

“How are you doing?” I ask him with a crack in my voice. Seriously, Gardy, can’t you ask for a better thing? He hasn’t seen you for seven years and might have moved on from you, and this is what you ask first?

“I-“

All of a sudden, he approaches me, his eyes still focused on nothing else but my frame. Again, it feels like we are in a bubble again that we have had when we were still in a relationship… It feels like yesterday for me.

Not daring to move until he would be okay with embracing me, he, agonizingly slowly, reaches out a hand to my face. Overall, his shaky hand seems to be moving in slow-motion as he wipes a tear away. Understanding that he might not understand what I might talk about, he finally, finally opens his mouth to speak.

“You’re back? This is not a dream?”

In his voice, I can sense so much pain… Should I have not come? Should I have stayed away after all? The sudden thought ties up my thought, but feeling his hand resting on my cheek is so unbelievably calming. Hesitantly, I lay my hand on his.

“No. Should I pinch you to prove it?” I ask back with a small smile, seeing him smirk back.

“Please do,” he whispers, his voice sore.

Shortly after, I pinch him. His little smirk suddenly disappears as his body crashes against mine and he hugs me all of a sudden. the way he holds me incredibly tight, as if I could vanish any moment. As if time was ticking.

“I’m so sorry, Ezarel. I came back as soon as I could,” I whisper. This time, unlike the times before, he seems to have openly welcomed me, and again, I can see how much the elf has grown ever since the encounter.

I see how his simplicity and aura has toned down a little in its absolutely brash energy, and how much he has missed me. Uncaring of the danger of possibly choking, I tighten my grip around him.

We are shivering in place, and neither of us can say a word.

It feels as if an old system in body has awoken, and finally, it has clicked as to where I belong. Silently, I hear him laugh while his tears drop onto my clothes. This moment I do cherish.

His usual humor seems to have been swallowed in this moment, as he suddenly holds me back by an arm length, and orders me to please go inside and sit – he will just pick up the logs. Of course, I wouldn’t without helping him out, so I grin at him with a telling look.

An exhausted smile is plastered on his face. I can’t help but stare at him a bit before I bend down to pick up the rather heavy logs. After that has been done, both of us give us a look to ensure the other is fine. It must be strange for him to suddenly see me after 7 years.

Soon after, he hurries to the door to open the door. “Why, aren’t you a forthcoming gentleman today?” I smile at him, but his facial expression doesn’t seem as responsive. His smile is weaker as he says: “You learn a lot with two women around you.”

Right. Twylda and Marie-Anne must have made an impression on him. I can’t help but smirk at the image of them reprimanding him for his manners. “Why, if such a chivalrous gentleman appeared in front of me, I would have considered coming sooner,” I try to lighten up the mood, but I might have been too early.

Staring at me, he just drops the log into the corner of the room, and I decide to just do the same. While I see some elegant pieces of vials, and a little bit of a laboratory. I recognize quite a bit from his room and remember what I have seen in his vision. It’s funny how colorful his interior is in comparison to the modest wooden house. Maybe he hasn’t changed that much after all?

Standing at the side of the couch where he has sat himself down, I ask him: “May I sit?” He looks up at me, heightening his brows. He nods, following my movements with his piercing green eyes. With a hand gesture and a nod, he tells me to sit on the sofa next to him.I do so, but with well-kept space as to not overwhelm. For a while, there’s nothing but silence. This time, it’s me who initiates the conversation. “How are Marie-Anne and Twylda?” As he looks back at me with a lopsided smile, he tells me about their state. How they have helped each other to rebuild a new life, a new identity. Marie-Anne, the now healed young woman – who has grown to pass my age – has come back to the state of a helpful human being, with the help of him and Twylda. As well, the two women were able to come to a better path. Honestly, as he tells these things, they seem so incredibly unreal. When I remember Twylda screaming at us to let her to Marie-Anne as she was transported into the H.Q., she wanted nothing but to harm her. She had a lot to go through during those times, and I try to avoid thinking of the events in detail. But as I have heard in the past, I have seen videos on Youtube with a reported case in which the mother would forgive the murderer of their son, even raise them as one of their own. While it appears as a mystery to me, I am neither supposed to judge, nor do I have to understand. If both are happy, that’s all I care about.Well, that, and of course the elf who is telling me about them.“I’m sorry that I left, Gardienne.”Those words suddenly suck all of the established ease out of this room. For the first time since I have arrived, he averts his gaze. “I couldn’t stand the guard anymore. All the pressure, the tasks, all the memories to this place, and… you,” he takes a deep breath to continue. I just shake my head, knowing that he must have had a terribly hard time processing everything.Wouldn’t I also be overwhelmed if he has sacrificed himself for a cause, having me wait for months back then? And with all that happened… The war, the murders, the deaths, betrayals and other dangerous situations, who would I be to blame him?“It’s okay. I heard what you said as goodbye, and I understood. I still do, Ezarel,” I murmur, looking at him and putting my hand on his cheek. His eyes seem to become glassy again.“We’re here now,” I whisper with a smile, “And I am glad that you were doing okay after all. I’ve had a very strong boyfriend.”Swallowing hard, I realize that I don’t know about that aspect yet, and as his eyes shine with so much emotion and compassion, he just mumbles: “I don’t have anyone as of yet. I wasn’t interested, and something told me to wait.” His little smile shocks me in combination with his words. “I guess my instincts were right to do so.”Seven years.It’s been seven years, and he has waited for me. His eyes seem like a confirmation for me to go on, and I immediately lean into him to kiss him with all the passion that I have feared of losing inside the crystal. I was ready to give up on that to save him. And here we are…Did fate finally give me a happy ending?Once we separate to breathe in fresh air, his hands hugging me loosen up to look at me.His eyes shine with love that warm my whole body, and I can’t believe that this is going so fluently. “So, I hope you don’t mind accompanying this chivalrous gentleman in the future?” His eyebrow raises, but I can see that he is happy about me coming.The way I respond might be one of the most typical aspects of our relationship. Tipping with my index finger on my chin, I act pensive saying: “Hmmm… If there was payment involved, maybe I’d consider it? I’m hotly desired, you know?”His smile brightens, and it’s as if our compatibility would never be questioned.We would spend this night together, and the one after, and the days after that to slowly get back to each other.When him and I would strengthen each other in his alchemy business, I realize that he was right with running off all along. He’s all I need after all.

~~> Very cheesy fin

#eldarya #eldaryafanfiction #ezarel #eldarya new era #ezarelxgardienne #ezarelfanfic #eldaryafanfic

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missfay49 · 4 years

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Who is Orange?

Disclaimer: Please enjoy? Accept? Beware? This… Thing that started out as character analysis and turned into a deranged fanfic, because I experienced a literal revelation mid-way through free writing. I did not clean this up much because I’m still reeling from the theory implications myself. I cursed a lot.

What does Orange Side represent?

What do we know?

Orange is a “Dark Side”, defined as being one of the Sides hidden from C!Thomas.

The other Hidden Sides were Janus, Remus, and Virgil.

All the Hidden Sides were hidden due to a key aspect of their character that C!Thomas had to first acknowledge and then accept. Virgil required C!Thomas to acknowledge that he had heightened anxiety and accept that anxiety isn’t inherently wrong, just a different form of information that can be processed. Remus required C!Thomas to acknowledge that he had intrusive thoughts and accept that those thoughts don’t make him evil; they’re just thoughts. Janus required C!Thomas to acknowledge that he was capable of lying and accept that acting “selfishly” sometimes isn’t just okay, but actually critically important to managing stress.

What are the common themes here?

Confronting the reality about ourselves instead of pretending some traits don’t exist.

Understanding ourselves to be more complex than ‘good’ and ‘evil’.

Addressing mental health.

Orange Side is still hidden, but we can expect him to be something C!Thomas doesn’t want to (or isn’t ready to) acknowledge. Something that would be difficult to accept about oneself. All Hidden Sides fall under the jurisdiction of Janus, so let’s take another look at him.

In “Can Lying Be Good?” we get a lot of information about what Janus’ purpose is:

Roman: It you really don’t want to know something, he… can keep our mouths shut.

Logan: You don’t want to believe it. That’s where his power comes from. Things that you want to believe. Things that you wish were true. And things that you wish weren’t.

Deceit: What you don’t know can’t hurt you.

This all means that Orange Side is something that would cause C!Thomas distress to learn and something he subconsciously wishes weren’t true. This is not new information to most of you: the spin-off interpretations of Apathy and Pride are widely popular fandom theories, traits that are typically viewed as negative in large doses.

But the Hidden Sides being seen as something negative isn’t their only defining characteristic. They typically involve an aspect a mental health, involve societal expectations, and... what is it...

Janus is the umbrella over all the other Hidden Sides, sheltering and obscuring them from view. He is the gatekeeper in a very literal sense. What is he gatekeeping?

What is it? What is it what is it, why? What does he do? What seems bad but isn’t? What can he do? What issue is actually useful? What’s useful what’s useful WHATS USEFUL WHATS USEFUL?! WHY DOES IT HAVE TO USEFUL?

shitshitSHITSHISTHISTSTs

I KEPT ASKING MYSELF, WHAT’S USEFUL? WHAT TRAIT COULD IT BE THAT APPEARS BAD, BUT ISN’T BAD, IS ACTUALLY USEFUL. ANIEXTY WAS OKAY BECAUSE HE WAS JUST LOOKING OUT FOR US. LYING WAS OKAY BECAUSE HE JUST WANTED TO PUT C!THOMAS FIRST. INTRUSIVE CREATIVITY WAS OKAY BECAUSE DARK IDEAS OPEN UP NEW PATHS.

But the whole GODDAMN POINT is ACCEPTANCE!

You don’t HAVE to be useful to be accepted. You – yuo just BE. YOU BE!

PEOPLE don’t have to prove their Usefulness to you before you can treat them with respect. Our WORTH does not depend on what we PRODUCE. YE GODS, THE COGNITIVE DISSONANCE I JUST BROKE-

~~~

C!Thomas comes back from his self-care stay-cation. He’s ready to start production, he is rested and refreshed. BUT JUST LIKE EVERY PREVIOUS DILEMMA, it isn’t Good enough, Original enough, Fast enough. He’s done everything right, why is it still wrong? He’s accepted his anxiety, he’s accepted that things aren’t just black and white, he’s Accepted That It’s OKAY to have Dark Thoughts, he Has ACCEPTED SELF_CARE. Why Isn’t IT ENOUGH?!

“Fuck it.”

C!Thomas spins in his chair, looking at a man that looks just like him, but not quite.

“What?”

“Fuck it. Fuck them.”

“You sound like Remus,” Thomas jokes. He’s lying, of course. He’s nervous. The Side looks like a normal guy, but something about him is unsettling. The unidentified Side just presses his lips together, unimpressed.

“Um, ef w-who, exactly?” Thomas asks, but part of him already knows.

“All of them. Every person who isn’t you. Every person who expects something from you.”

“Now, you sound like Janus.” Thomas looks back at the computer screen, but the Side’s retort has him spinning around again.

“Janus is a short-sighted pseudo-rebellious minion of a capitalistic society, just like the rest of them.”

“Uh, excuse me?!”

“Isn’t it obvious? They’re all obsessed with Success. Whether they want to play by the rules, or manipulate them, or break them, whether it’s making money or pumping out good deeds, they’re still just trying to make you be successful within the framework of a system that prioritizes production over a human life.”

Thomas just stares for a moment before he can find his voice.

“Who are you?”

“Dude, seriously?” He waves his hands, palms up and presenting himself. “I’m Achilleus. I’m your motivation.”

~~~

Take a deep breath and follow me down the research black hole, where every topic I looked up was more and more terrifyingly appropriate:

Freedom

noun

the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint.

Self-Determination

noun

the process by which a person controls their own life.

Autonomy

noun

(in Kantian moral philosophy) the capacity of an agent to act in accordance with objective morality rather than under the influence of desires.

Autonomic Nervous System (because i believe each Hidden Side is closer to the subconscious)

noun

the part of the nervous system responsible for control of the bodily functions not consciously directed, such as breathing, the heartbeat, and digestive processes.

Inherent Value

“inherent value in the case of animal ethics can be described as the value an animal possesses in its own right, as an end-in-itself” – Animal Rights – Inherent Value, by Saahil Papar

Intrinsic Value

“Intrinsic value has traditionally been thought to lie at the heart of ethics. Philosophers use a number of terms to refer to such value. The intrinsic value of something is said to be the value that that thing has “in itself,” or “for its own sake,” or “as such,” or “in its own right.”” – Intrinsic vs. Extrinsic Value, by Michael J. Zimmerman and Ben Bradley

“Finally, his sense of respect for the intrinsic value of entities, including the non-sentient, is the Kantian notion of the inherent value of all Being. This is based on the notion that a universe without moral evaluators (e.g. humans) would still be morally valuable, and there is no reason not to regard Being as inherently morally good.” – Technology and the Trajectory of Myth, by David Grant, Lyria Bennett Moses

Motivation

“Another way to conceptualize motivation is through Self-Determination Theory … which is concerned with intrinsic and extrinsic motivation. Intrinsic motivation happens when someone does something for its inherent satisfaction.” – Second Language Acquisition Myths: Applying Second Language Research to Classroom Teaching, by Steven Brown, Jenifer Larson-Hall

Capitalism

“The flowery language of the United States Declaration of Independence would have you believe that human life has an inherent value, one that includes inalienable rights such as “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” But in America, a major indicator of value is actually placed on being a productive member of society, which typically means working a job that creates monetary revenue (especially if the end result is accumulated wealth and suffering was inherently involved in the process).” – The Diminished Value of Human Life in a Capitalistic Society, by Seren Sensei

Religion

“At the heart of the debate between Calvinism and Arminianism lay the insurmountable chasm between God’s sovereign election versus human self-determination.” – Sovereignty vs. Self-determination: Two Versions of Ephesians 1:3-14, by Reformed Theology

Mythology

“In Classical Greece, Achilles was widely admired as a paragon of male excellence and virtue. Later, during the height of the Roman Empire, his name became synonymous with uncontrollable rage and barbarism… He chooses kleos (glory) over life itself, and he owes his heroic identity to this kleos. He achieves the major goal of the hero: to have his identity put permanently on record through kleos…

“But is this really an accurate characterization of Achilles' pivotal decision? Is he really driven to sacrifice his life by an obsessive quest for honor and glory? One scene in the Iliad suggests the answer to both questions is no.

“When Achilles leaves the battlefield after his dispute with Agamemnon, the Trojans gain the upper hand on the Greeks. Desperate to convince their best warrior to return, Agamemnon sends an envoy of Achilles' closest friends to his tent to persuade him to reconsider his decision. During this scene, Achilles calmly informs his friends that he is no longer interested in giving up his life for the sake of heroic ideals. His exact words are below:

“The same honor waits for the coward and the brave. They both go down to Death, the fighter who shirks, the one who works to exhaustion (IX 386-388)…

“Not only does Achilles reject the envoy's offers of material reward, but he rejects the entire premise that glory is worth a man's life.” – making sense of a hero’s motivation, by Patrick Garvey

Achilles (/əˈkɪliːz/ ə-KIL-eez) or Achilleus (Ancient Greek: Ἀχιλλεύς, [a.kʰilˈleu̯s])

Achilles realizes his own inherent self-worth, thereby freeing himself from the expectations of others; societal or otherwise. Only once we are free can we find the balance between our own needs and the needs of others in a way that breeds neither anger nor resentment in either.

~~~

But that’s... that’s just... a theory. Huh.

#sanders sides theory #orange side #orange side theory #sanders sides #character thomas #cursing tw #swearing tw #dark sides #the others #janus sanders #virgil sanders #remus sanders #orange sanders #caps tw #name theory #long post #missfay #my writing

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caffeinated-yearning · 3 years

Text

Nice Things

Yeah baby I’m always late to my birthday, but I bring Dick Gets A Raise Because It’s My Birthday And I Can Ask For Nice Things For My Friends

Word Count: ~1800 Warnings: None

"You're allowed to have nice things, pal." "Sir?" Gumshoe smiled down at his companion. "You should let yourself have nice things! I saw the way you were looking at that bookstore window- why don't you go get yourself something nice?" "Uh. Not today." "You say that every time I tell you that you should enjoy yourself, pal. Why don't you just let yourself live a little?" "Just." It shrugged, a noncommittal gesture with its hands, and looked up at warm eyes overcast with confusion. Today was not a day that wanted gifts to itself. But, wait- "hey, what about you? You should live by your own advice, Mr. Gumshoe. Detective, sorry." "Eh... I don't exactly have the money to be spending on stuff that's not rent or dinner, you know?" Sheepish, his grin; it wasn't exactly news to hear about his low pay, but he still acted like it was embarrassing. Mark looked back at the ground then- or rather, at the thread between its fingers. "I'm sorry." "Sorry for what, pal?" "Sorry that they get away with paying you peanuts when you work as hard as you do. That you have to want for things because of it." "Hey-, hey, don't worry about it, pal. It's not like I don't deserve it-." "You don't deserve it." Bitter, voice that tasted like burnt coffee grounds and lemon rinds. Gumshoe looked at him with surprise. It looked back, and his eyes were full of that same bitterness. "I'm going to make sure you don't have to suffer that any more. Tonight, even, it's as good a night as any- better than most, perhaps. I'll do something about it tonight." "What- now hang on a minute, pal, you don't gotta do anything like that for me!" It was as though Detective Gumshoe was... worried? Concerned about the response. Was he worried that Miles would think Gumshoe had put Mark up to the task? Absurd! The other possibility was not one Mark wanted to imagine. "But why not?" The taste of his emotions was vile, the taste of this day had always been vile. It had to be dealt with, that awfulness- every year it demanded something to satiate its miserable temper. A dreadful day. "Why not? There is no justice in a man who needs to so carefully avoid spending for pleasure, so that he may eat and have a roof." "Well, yeah, but-!" "There is nothing fair about it. So I'll fix it, if I can. I think, today, I can." As unusual as it was, to see Mark stand tall, to wear an aura of self-assuredness and adamancy, there he was. Back straight, and his pace suddenly driving Gumshoe to trot if he wanted to keep up; but since they’d have to split, one to go to the precinct and one to the chief prosecutor’s office, Gumshoe didn’t have to run alongside him for long.

---

"Mr. Edgeworth, sir?" "Mann." He looked up, briefly, from the case files he was studying just then- and back, down into the depths of the files. Inscrutable, from Mark's position, and far too packed to be easily torn apart. "Yes? What do you want." "You don't happen to know the date, do you?" "Hmm. Why do you ask?" Mark swallowed. Confidence was a mask that he could wear; he would wear the mask of a man who was confident. "I just... I wanted to make a request." "And it's important that today is today?" "It's relevant, but only if you decide that my appeals to logic and ethics are not enough." "And you think that an appeal to something other than logic or ethics will sway me, if those should fail?" There was a smirking lilt to his tone- chilling, how easily he could root Mark to the ground. "... Very well then." He settled in his seat, closing the file altogether; hands folded under his chin, same smirking grin as he turned his attention to Mark. "State your case."

---

"... And so, whether you trust in my logic, or you strive toward justice, and from there the ethical resolution of all issues that may arise, I think you will appreciate that it is necessary to give Detective Gumshoe a more reasonable salary." Breathe, and pull himself from that state of fearful almost-combat- "I have made my case, and if you find it lacking, you may cross-examine me. But I know I'm right." "Is that so?" He hadn't moved much in the past... Had it really been over a half hour? Mark felt his skin crawling at the idea of taking up so much time- of *talking* for that long. "I know I'm right, and if you have questions, I can fight on each counterpoint you might have." *Please don't have counterpoints.* "I do have one question." Mark held its breath. The tone, the posture; as though Miles had some ace up his sleeve. Some secret knowledge of ethos or logos which would allow him to upturn the whole thing. *Impossible, impossible*. Not that impossible; Edgeworth could likely find logical loopholes in anything, if previous sparring was anything to go by. "Why was the date an important precursor to your argument? It would seem irrelevant." "Ah." That. Right. The date. "If it's irrelevant, then why are you asking?" "It was a curious thing to bring up, so I want to know how it would sway me one way or another." Piss. "Erm. It's just my birthday. I. It was a dumb thing to bring up. Ignore it. Put it out of mind. It is, indeed, quite irrelevant." "Oh." Mark felt the anxious chill in fingers and toes; the fear response drawing his blood away. So much for the fire that had possessed him before. "Please give him a raise." "That's your request for your birthday?" *Oh don't sound so surprised.* "Yes. I'm doing just fine as I am; I've got any number of cheap hobbies and recipes to fall back on. If you need to cut someone else's pay to feel better about Gumshoe getting a well-deserved raise, I volunteer myself as sacrifice." "Don't- no. Don't say something as absurd as that. That is not necessary in the slightest." "Well either way. Dick- Detective Gumshoe deserves to eat more than instant ramen."

Miles watched the other carefully. He was not a creature that often let himself experience emotions- neither of them was, but Mark was always just a little closer to his emotions than he would have liked to believe. Miles was well aware of that- he'd seen it a few times before, the way he stood, stubborn and hard-headed, to defend anyone that he decided needed the defense. What was most impressive was how little awareness Mark had about his own expressions- he had described himself as 'poorly emoting' before, which was not a trait Miles believed accurate. Right now though, he'd gone from a state of loud and justified passion to... something almost embarrassed, in the span of five seconds. Understandably so- given his last-ditch effort was genuinely meant to be a *birthday request*. "Was that all?" "Er. Yes. Have you made your decision?" "I have, yes." "May I... May I hear it?" "In due time." "Tonight?" "In due time." Mark nodded, obscuring his expression with downturned face and hair that always seemed to get in his face. "Shall I leave, then?" His voice was so much softer than Miles had realized it would be, and there was almost guilt- almost, but then, Miles was better at keeping his emotions in check. It was with a neutral tone and neutral expression, then, that he dismissed Mark; "you may leave, yes." He held himself impassive as he watched Mark turn, walk towards the door- "and, Mr. Mann?" Entirely silent, Mark turned a fraction of the way back; listening, but not speaking. "I hope you have enjoyed your birthday so far." Nod, either a thank you, or a yes, sir; Miles sighed as the door closed behind Mark. Perhaps he ought to have expected that Mark would be taken by his silence after his being so unforthcoming with the fate of the detective; a worrywart was he. Still, he bit his tongue, and stayed in his office; it wouldn't be much of a surprise if he gave the answer right away. That... That was something people liked, was it not? Birthday surprises?

Well. That was not a particularly hopeful thing to end on. Hand on throat and breathing as slow as he could, Mark pulled himself to calmness, a thing he had practiced before and would practice until the end of his days. There was no promise, there was no promise, but was it harmful to hope? No. And whether the arrow struck the mark wouldn't matter, really. If Edgeworth did not relent, then Dick- then Detective Gumshoe would probably hardly remember the conversation from that morning. If Edgeworth did relent, then perhaps luck did follow it still. Perhaps. Mark was a very lucky person, but good and bad luck are both still luck. It wasn't something to worry about. It wasn't something that it needed to focus on. And it could drag itself from the swirling thoughts if it needed to. So it would drag itself out of its own mind, nails clinging to stone and scraping against dirt, it would pull itself out of its mind. Fixing the bowtie it wore, it headed downstairs; emptiness was calm, and it had emptied itself so that it could get back to its job.

---

"Mark!" Oh, a familiar voice- a familiar clap of a hand on its shoulder. "Detective Gumshoe, what's up?" "I don't know what you did, or how, but thanks so much pal!" His eyes shone, bright- wet? "Did... what?" "Wasn't it you?" He looked confused, then; warm eyes that so often ended up clouded with confusion over Mark's own forgetfulness, or else its strange behaviors besides. "I mean I guess Edgeworth really didn't mention you by name, but I just assumed, since you said..." "Oh. OH. Oh, that." Based on the tone this is a good thing, based on previous encounters it's... "So it *was* you!" "I guess so. Did he..?" "Yeah, I don't know how you did it, but he seems to have listened to you, whatever you said to him." His face was always so open, so ready to admit of his joy or pain; and now it was luminous, it was sunlight. Contagious in the best of ways. "Thank you, thank you so much pal!" "Holy fuck he gave you a raise?" "He sure did!" And both were bouncing- enthusiasm excitement joy joy joy! "Oh my god I can't believe it- I was so afraid he wasn't gonna listen to me at all- Detective, holy shit this is fantastic!"

In a room adjacent, Miles' expression softened. "Surprise," he said into empty space. “Good to know that birthday surprises are still enjoyable, after all.”

#[[ Reason and Rationale | Miles Edgeworth ]]#[[ What a Pal! | Det. Gumshoe ]]#caffeinated writing #VERY disjointed and not terribly great but it's been a week since my birthday so the curse is long over!#as you can see I don't understand romance at all but neither does miles and that's ok we are dumb and not-quite dating yet #finishes this so I can close the tab I was writing it in: hell yeah closing tabs

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viahoshi · 4 years

Text

only those who are forgotten die // k.sy

pairing — kwon soonyoung x female protagonist genre — heavy angst, enemies to lovers (?) warnings — swearing, death, blood, murder, major character death and any kinds of criminal stuff words — 2.8k summary — the one where kwon soonyoung needs a new partner in crime note — this is highly inspired from the series, vis a vis as I can’t seem to move on from the character death, I created another one myself. The italic writings are flashbacks, the dialogue ones are the current time. Enjoy♡

“How did you meet him?”

“Do you know that one quote from Dostoyevsky that says: We sometimes encounter people, even perfect strangers, who interest us at first sight. Somehow suddenly, all at once, before a word has been spoken.”

“Do you like Dostoyevsky?”

“No.” She firmly answered, “He did, though.”

“So, you two were strangers at first who suddenly grew closer?”

“You can say that. Even though he worked with my brother, I had never greeted him before. Their latest heist went wrong, so wrong. My brother died, and he got into jail. I wanted to greet him personally after he was out to get revenge, you know? Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth.”

“You were planning to murder him.”

“Mmm- yes.”

“When did the latest bus pass?” Soonyoung asks while wearing his black leather jacked in the middle of the heat of July, rubs his hands together, takes slow steps to the bus stop before turning back again.

“5 minutes ago.”

“And the next one will come in-?”

“40 minutes.”

Soonyoung signs before placing his sunglasses on his nose bridge, and takes another step towards the bus stop before turning around again just to stare at the place he spent most of his youth into. The world seems too large for the young man as he keeps groaning.

Soonyoung was a restless man. He almost appreciates the person who stopped their car for him. Almost. He sharply groans when he recognizes the woman stepping out of the car. The familiar appearance of the girl looks nothing like the one he saw years ago. The way her expression has no marks of distress and uneasiness makes him feel nauseous.

“What are you doing here?”

Soonyoung knows that he was miserably dishonoring his uncaring aura as he shifts from left to right at where he was standing. His hands became sweaty and unsteady in his pockets, failing himself. His features told a different story, and his hands showed another.

“Every single night when I close my eyes, I see nothing but the two police officers arriving at our house to state that my brother was dead. I acknowledged that everything would go downhill, but I wasn’t foreseeing it to happen this fast. Their son was dead, and their daughter was conceivably a psychopath. All the people I loved and trusted turned their backs to me after that, just like it was my responsibility. You do not understand how it makes your head to be free, but not having anybody.”

He pouted in surprise while nodding, almost as if he was waiting for her to finish and leave, “Nope, I have no fucking idea.”

“I heard you’ve been a very good boy.” Her voice expresses nothing but sarcasm, lips form a smirk, hand raises to remove the hood of her sweatshirt which was closed the whole time, then moves before her eyes to block the steady sunbeams coming to her eyes.

“Yeah, I helped the police in two cases.”

“We’re all falling in line in the end, aren’t we?”

Soonyoung looks at her, tries to read her expression, studies the way her lips curl up on the ends when she smiles, and how her face creases when she fails to block the sunbeams.

“Really, what are you doing here?” Soonyoung asks again, wonder takes over as he glares behind the faint print of his sunglasses.

The girl takes her time glancing at the left and right side of the road, “The bus isn’t coming,” she glimpses back at him, “do you want a ride?”

Soonyoung takes his sunglasses off, and the girl studies the unique frame of his eyes, “To the cemetery.”

“He wanted to visit my brother’s grave. He tried to look undisturbed, but I knew he was. I left him there and returned to work.”

“Then what happened?”

“It didn’t take him a long time for him to locate the place I worked. When he came in, I thought I was seeing things, I used to daydream about him a lot at work, and I’m not talking about pleasing daydreams.”

“So you want us to become a duo? Like Bonnie and Clyde, Thelma and Louise?”

“No, that wouldn’t work out. You and me, as a limited liability company. [y/n] & Soonyoung LLC.”

His words make the girl throw her head back and giggle in doubt, “You’re trying to sacrifice me to protect your own ass as you did to my brother?”

“You’re talking as if you weren’t plotting to kill me for years.”

“You see, I hate you and you hate me. Why are you so sure that I won’t stab you in your sleep?”

“Hate is the greatest motivator.” The girl could picture his half smirk even though she has her back turned against him. He continues while standing up and making her way towards her, “We have another option, we don’t see each other again until we meet on a tour bus for seniors, heading to the beach.”

Edges of the girl’s mouth lifts, it’s crystal clear that his words satisfied her, the thought of replacing her brother giving her stomach slight tingles as she imagines the bad things she always wanted to do in her life but never could, “Okay, let’s do it.”

“And this is how our shared life began as a mismatched twosome who everyone thinks: They’re going to kill each other. With the money we made, we bought our first house, a baby blue caravan. We instantly learned the secret to a good marriage, trusting each other. We weren’t friends, we shared nothing. But as much as we didn’t like it, together we were the best. The perfect couple, precisely because we didn’t love each other. We found the perfect amount of space to not kill each other, neither too close nor too far.”

“You lived like a domestic couple, how come you could undoubtedly trust each other in such a little time.”

“Not a domestic couple, but more like a husband and wife in their eighties who have over 20 grandchildren, but no one visits if that makes sense.”

“Tell me about the things you did respectively, how did you spend your time?”

“We had nothing noteworthy to do, so he bought two chairs and we just sat on the roof of the caravan, on the opposing sides. That was the agreement.”

“And the robberies? How did you follow through with that?”

“We started with big targets, casinos. We would quarrel during the heist and people would just look at us like we’re lunatics.”

“No one move!” Soonyoung raises his voice, puts his hand behind his head, and holds onto his gun smoothly, “Put your hands behind your head like how I’m doing it. I won’t say it again, okay?”

The young boy doesn’t hesitate to wander towards the money source and doesn’t even consider it necessary to turn towards the girl before commanding pointedly, “The cash. I’ll deal with the cashier, you take care of the hags.”

“Excuse me?” The girl’s attitude catches him off guard as he stares at her in uncertainty. He chuckles softly before running his hand through his pitch black hair. “We’re not having this discussion here. Not now.”

“Why? Why do you need to be in charge of the money?” She cocks her head to the side, not bothered by the weirded looks of the people surrounding her. Soonyoung takes a step towards her, eyes and mouth wide open, “Any problems?”

“The problem is you fucking always put yourself above me,” Soonyoung takes another step towards her to hear her better, “shit, are we really going to start our first job together like this?”

Soonyoung gets much closer to her than he was moments ago, uneasy as he keeps peeking towards the woman who’s filling the bag with money, “We’re already splitting it 50/50.”

“It’s not a matter of money, it’s a matter of attitude.” Her look changes as her voice rises, “Either stop looking down on me or this is over.”

Soonyoung tries to change his expression, softens his voice, whisper screaming, “Is this the right place to talk about this?”

The girl walks over to him completely, face inches away from each other, feeling each other’s breaths on their faces. She whispers, “Are we equals? Yes or no.”

“We have to go.”

“I don’t care. Not before we clarify this. Equals or nothing, you decide.”

Soonyoung lowers his gun, steps away from her, spits while gritting his teeth, “Very well, equals. In sickness and in health, till death do us apart, amen.”

She nods, visibly satisfied. Giggles when she catches Soonyoung grumbling about how more effortless it is to work with a man rather than a woman.

“And that’s how we carried out together. It wasn’t the Bonnie and Clyde story you would predict, but days like this made me neglect the murder plots going on in my head. And that baby blue caravan was the closest thing I had that resembled ‘home’ to me, if that makes sense.”

“How would you define ‘home’?”

“Home? I don’t know.”

She gets a decent amount of shampoo in her hands before pressing them to Soonyoung’s airy locks, sudden contact of her hands sends shivers down his spine as he tries to get comfortable in his chair, relaxes his muscles while the girl runs her hands through his dark hair. “I can’t believe I’m doing this.”

“Did you knew that hair doesn’t stop growing after you’re dead?”

“And you want your hair to look sleek in the morgue?”

“No, I just want to talk without looking at your face.”

She eases her hand movements as if she waits for him to continue, he goes on, speaking softer than he did before, “I was 12 years old when my mother married to that pig. He brought nothing but misery and discomfort to the only place I knew as ‘home’. My mother neglected me, trying to be a suitable partner for that bastard,” he chuckles hysterically before continuing, “I was 15 years old when they send me to an orphanage, too old for adoption, too rebel for that environment. I fled from there at 18, and that’s when I met your brother, been doing this shit ever since.”

Soonyoung would pity himself sometimes, only life could be a little kinder to him, only if the world would have a little mercy for him, everything could’ve gone differently.

“Soonyoung”

“Mmm.”

“What is it?”

“There’s no need to run if you have a home, and the time we spent in the caravan, in the camper is the closest thing I’ve ever had to a home. I wanted you to know that.”

She lets the teardrop she keeps in her flow on her cheek, her lips curl up, forms a faint smile, “It was special for me too.”

She sniffs, grabs the water from the small bowl and rinses his hair. “Even though, to tell the truth, you’re a shitty roommate.” She grabs the towel and throws it to him, making him giggle like a little kid.

“And you droll in your sleep.” He turns towards her.

“So you watch me while I sleep?”

“No, I don’t watch you, you’re just making weird noises and it draws my attention.”

“Fuck you.” Her face lights up before grabbing the pot full of water and wetting his whole torso, his light colored jeans making the situation already more apparent than it already is. He laughs aloud before grabbing the fountain and pointing it towards her, their laughs brighter than the sun, for the first time after a long time.

"No.”

“No what?”

“I already know what you’re going to ask. Everyone wonders whether Thelma and Louise fucked or not. We did not. We did not fuck.”

“Okay.”

“And also, just clearing it for the record, we weren’t in a relationship either. We didn’t talk about any shit except the heists, that’s it.”

“Okay, good to know.”

The fairy lights inside of the caravan are shining in the colors of the rainbow as the girl sways to the beat of the song playing in the background. The drink in her hand matches the color of her colored sunglasses, giving her a vintage vibe. Soonyoung lies on his back, watching the way her body moves. She notices how his expression seems so cloddish, approaches him so that their noses touch, “Is this your first time?”

“What?” He tries to brush her off, not breaking the eye contact.

“Yes it is,” she laughs breathily, “this is your first time doing ecstasy.”

Soonyoung pushes her away and stands up to sit comfortably, “This isn’t getting me high at all.”

His tone of voice makes the girl giggle, “Right, you’re not high at all.” Her voice carries no expression but lust and sarcasm at the same time.

“At all.” Soonyoung keeps arguing while giggling and shaking his head.

“You don’t feel… Euphoria, empathy? This- sort of- uh- love? For anyone? I thought those were your favorite emotions.” She smiles sheepishly.

“When does this shit end?” He asks, not betraying his uncaring aura even when high.

Her sarcasm slowly drops and she feels alone with nothing but lust in her heart. She looks at him with an innocent expression, reminding him of those kids who want to buy candy in a convenience store, “Do you know what I want to do right now?”

“What?”

She gets closer to his face again, looks directly at his eyes, looks directly at his soul, “I want to touch your face.”

“Jesus, fuck no.” He stands up to go to the table which is decorated with various of liquor and grabs the entire bottle of the alcohol, drinks an enormous amount of it until the girl makes her way towards him again.

She moves her hand towards his face; he flinches when her hand contacts his skin. Her fingertips travel on his nose bridge, his cheekbones, his lips, his jawline. She leaves her fingerprints all over his face gently. Soonyoung chuckles but doesn’t move away, he doesn’t look away either. He enjoys the feeling that comes up to his spine as he keeps touching his face.

The air inside the caravan is thick, but it feels lighted than air for Soonyoung as he feels the butterflies in his stomach gently waking as she travels her fingertips along his sharp features. He pants, he doesn’t know if it’s because of the drug, or her.

“We’re not going to fuck, that’s what we agreed for.” He whispers while looking at her with a blank expression.

“You think I want to fuck with you?” She smiles again, and he nods.

“That makes little sense, does it?” She argues again, still looking at him with the same smile on her face and the same tone of her voice, seductive, “Oh well, let’s go to bed then.” And the first thing Soonyoung does when she turns her back at him to walk towards the bed is to grab her by her hair and pull her back towards his body. She laughs in surprise, her heartbeat rises as he pushes her front towards the wall.

And the rest is just a blur.

The next morning, she wakes up to Soonyoung practicing gunshots. She makes him and herself a cup of tea before making her way towards him. “About last night, that was stupid.”

“Yeah. By the way, I made the plan for the next heist.” He grabs the handle of the cup and responds in a sassy way.

“Well, you can tell me later.”

Soonyoung chuckles.

“Do you have any regrets?”

“Only if I looked back before leaving.”

“No.”

Soonyoung stretches out the beautifully packed gift, catching the attention of the girl who was sitting outside despite the cold air. She looks at him in doubt, “Kwon Soonyoung gives presents? Is that a bomb? Or an internal organ of one of your relatives? Perhaps it’s a scorpion-”

“Fuck, just take it.”

She hesitantly takes the gift and opens it just to find a polaroid camera inside, laughs while opening the box, taking the camera out. “Do you want to take a picture?”

“Yes. So you can remember we were young, we were hot, and we were free, and we felt a little, just a little less lonely together.”

She looks at the camera, and back at him before standing up, “Cool, let’s do it.”

The bright flash of the camera makes Soonyoung’s eyes hurt a little. He turns to her as the film gets released from the machine. He bounces slowly, reminding the girl of a little kid while smiling softly, waiting for the polaroid to darken. She gives the polaroid film to him after looking at it.

“Merry Christmas, asshole.”

“You too, princess.”

“Do you think things have worked out differently?”

“Things should have gone differently. I must have been in Italy or France, not here talking to you.”

“What about him?”

“What about him? Death didn’t intimidate me, nor him. There will still be winters and summers. It’s not like people will stop celebrating Christmas, or a child won’t get a birthday present. The gone is gone, and the world goes on, it’s nothing I can ease. However, he’s not dead.”

“How come?”

“Only those who are forgotten die, I’d like to consider he’ll be living for a long time.”

#kwon sooyoung #hoshi #seventeen #hoshi scenarios #seventeen scenarios #seventeen imagines #hoshi imagines #seventeen angst

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flightfoot · 5 years

Text

Ladybug and Chat Noir Care About Each Other Dammit

Okay look

Ladybug and Chat Noir aren’t completely perfect about realizing what the other person is feeling and being entirely supportive partners without causing any unnecessary emotional distress to each other 100% of the time.

Ladybug can sometimes be short with Chat Noir, even snappy, especially when already stressed, like in Gamer 2.0. When she does feel like joking or sassing him back, one of her insults of choice IS to imply that he’s dumb, especially in Reflekdoll. Even when there’s time to share her plans, she doesn’t always do so, like in Backwarder. She doesn’t gush about Chat regularly the way he does with her, and she has ended up saying or implying that he’s not as necessary as she is, like in Desperada in the first timeline, or a bit in Reflekdoll, when she’s talking about how much lighter his costume is. She does have a tendency to keep a lot of secrets from him, even when arguably they’re unnecessary, like not saying that the reason they’re going after Gabriel Agreste is because he owned a book on Miraculous wielders. She doesn’t always realize all of what Chat’s going through and thinks his emotional issues are mostly dealt with when they’re not, and when she’s concentrating on some other issue that’s taking up her emotional bandwidth, like the afore-mentioned case in Desperada when she’s so caught up in the excitement and joy of being able to work with her crush, that she’s totally okay with starting without him and doesn’t seem worried that they might fail or that something might have happened to him, or in Weredad when she didn’t seem at all worried about his feelings about being “strung along” in a way, or her exceptionally over-the-top acting about how devastated she was at being rejected.

But she still damn well cares about her partner.

Whenever she DOES notice that he’s down or feeling insecure, she does her best to reassure him. She’s upset whenever he’s hurt or especially when he sacrifices himself for her. She enjoys spending time with him, though she IS pretty busy so that’s not too often, and while she doesn’t always have the time or is in the mood for it, she’ll joke and tease her partner right back. And most especially, with Chat Blanc? She HATED seeing him like that. She was tender with him, just wanting to help, and she never called him “Chat Blanc”, unlike with any other akuma - because he was still her kitty. And afterwards, after she’d fixed everything with Miraculous Ladybug, she called her kitty over just to hang out and reassure herself that he was fine and to be with him for a bit. When Hawkmoth threw him off a building, she ignored an opportunity to go after Hawkmoth and instead caught her kitty, reassuring him that they’re a team.

Chat Noir: You had Mayura right where you wanted her, I could’ve managed by myself, why’d you do that?

Ladybug: Because we’re Ladybug and Chat Noir. Ladybug by itself doesn’t sound half as cool.

She values him deeply and wants him to make sure he KNOWS that, especially after the events of Chat Blanc, when she saw him so hurt and alone. She doesn’t want that for her kitty, for her best friend. She cares about him a LOT.

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Chat Noir isn’t always the perfectly supportive, attentive partner either. He goofs around some during akuma attacks, tells jokes at serious moments when Ladybug just wants to concentrate on defeating the akuma, and doesn’t have the best timing with his flirting. He enjoys (mildly) annoying her, even repeatedly. When he’s caught up in his own emotions, he’s not always paying as close attention to hers, or is just too engrossed in his own to care as much as he should, like during Prime Queen when he hinted at at least wanting to get together with Ladybug during the interview with Nadja when Ladybug was just getting uncomfortable with Nadja’s questions and getting blindsided by photos of the two of them in compromising positions, and didn’t seem to fully get that Ladybug WAS becoming uncomfortable with Nadja’s questions, much less why (though that might have to do with being entirely too used to this sort of thing as Adrien Agreste, plus still reeling a little from finding out that they’d kissed before and he didn’t know about it). Also when he found out that they’d kissed in Oblivio, he was more caught up in the joy of finding out they’d kissed again, plus some smugness, to care too much that she was very irritated about it. When he’s felt hurt and rejected, he has sometimes pouted about it a little and lashed out at Ladybug, even though she did nothing wrong.

But he still damn well cares about his partner.

He’s always protecting her in battle, taking hits for her, even “dying” (or as near as ML gets to it) for her, without hesitation. Trusting her implicitly with pretty much anything she asks of him. Even trusting her when it comes to saying that his father might be Hawkmoth, with only the most superficial, circumstantial evidence provided and a promise that she has more info that she can’t share with him. As badly as he wants to know who she is, he does his utmost to protect her secret. While yes, he did temporarily lash out at Ladybug when he shoudn’t in Glaciator and Frozer, he was able to keep it brief, and in Glaciator’s case he quickly realized and acknowledged that she hadn’t done anything wrong and apologized, going back to business as usual, even though her plan rubbed salt in his wound, and in Frozer, he still kept a close eye on Ladybug and as soon as she was in danger, he saved her and they fought together as usual. Any plan that she has, he goes with, even without knowing the details. He’s free with talking about how great she is, to the point of her wondering how he can say such nice things to her so easily, as she points out in Puppeteer 2. And when he notices that she’s down or insecure or doubting herself, he’s there to pick her up and reassure her, because he believes in her, and coming from him, who knows her so well? That means everything.

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Neither of these kids are perfect. Both of them make mistakes, or have ongoing things they say or do that can cause tension in their partnership. But those things are ultimately small in comparison to the amount that they love, trust, and care about each other. They’re different people, with their own lives, experiences, viewpoints, and feelings. Sometimes those differences cause them to come into conflict with each other. But never too greatly. The rockier parts of their relationship do exist, but they are not nearly enough to break, or even generally badly strain their bond. They care about each other too much for that.

#ml salt #ml sugar #miraculous ladybug #fandom salt #my post

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wu-sisyphus-gang · 3 years

Text

Motion Sickness Chapter 48

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It was a cold long ride to Atlas. Cold. And long. I said nothing to the pilot and he said nothing to me. I just sat with my luggage on my lap in the back of the plane. I had nothing but my thoughts to keep me company as I got closer and closer to my home kingdom.

I sat and worried. What if the General didn't let Ruby and the others join Ozpin? My fears weren't as dissuaded as I wanted them to be.

The worst part was I was an overthinker. I over-thought about it the whole way there. It was an eight hour flight, no less. And I had nothing but depressing thoughts to keep me awake and aware.

"Atlas ground control to unidentified vessel. Please identify," came through the radio.

"This is XTR-niner-niner-ought-two. Callsign ought-five-six-six-niner-eight. We've got Weiss Schnee onboard. Requesting permission to land."

"Granted. Did you say Weiss Schnee?"

"Affirmative."

"We roger that XTR. We'll have company waiting for you."

We came in low over the floating city and swept in for a landing near Atlas Academy.

The plane hovered to a stop and descended. With it descended my stomach. I was alone and hundreds of miles from Ruby.

The back of the ship opened. I stood with my things and departed at once.

"Weiss? You're alright." An even voice availed me.

It was my sister surrounded by armed robots and waiting near the airstrip. She was as tall as ever with crystal blue eyes and snow-white hair.

My sister sounded relieved.

"Winter." I acknowledged. "It's good to see you again. I've got a special message for General Ironwood. It's urgent."

"For Ironwood?" She asked. "What could you possibly need to talk to him about? Weiss the general is a busy man-"

"It's about the maidens. And the relics. He'll make time for it. I am sure," I hedged a working bet. My sister was in a position to know about Ozpin's secrets. I was willing to bet that she did, now that I knew myself.

The only beings within earshot were machines and they'd never tattle on us to anyone. Winter's eyes widened with something like shock.

"Oh. Then you must come with me immediately." She led the way into the academy. "How do you know about the relics Weiss? And the maidens?"

"Ozpin told me. But like I said I have to talk to Ironwood. I have a message for him. It's the only reason I took the ship ride here."

She swiped a key card on one of the doors and led me all the way to the headmaster's office. I'd been there before. I knew the way. It was back from when I considered Atlas Academy as an alternative to Beacon and I was given a tour of the place.

"General, my sister says she has an urgent message for you. It's why she came. It's about the relics and maidens."

The general turned to look at me. He looked as I remembered. Maybe a bit more grey hair. The stress of Beacon afflicted him, giving him a bit of Marie Antoinette syndrome. He was tall and half metal with a long sleeve over his metal side.

He was sharply dressed as I'd ever seen him. His arms were crossed behind his back, looking crisp.

"I'm supposed to tell you the 'king has castled.'" I told him. His face shifted. Growing at once more interested from confused.

"What? Where?" He demanded.

"Back in Argus with Qrow."

"Ozpin and Qrow…" he murmured. "I'll send a ship there immediately. What's the status of the relic of knowledge?"

"We don't know. We think Salem has it," I answered. "Leonardo Lionheart turned on us. He betrayed Ozpin to Salem."

"That's terrible news." The general steepled his fingers.

"The relic here is safe though, isn't it? Ozpin was worried about this one next."

"It's secure." He said so quietly I had to strain to hear him. "What about the spring maiden?"

"She fell. Cinder Fall, the new fall maiden became the new spring maiden. She's very powerful now."

"That's even worse news."

"Yes… sir, about my friends with Ozpin… will you allow them into the country?"

"They know about the relics and maidens as well?"

I nodded crisply. I felt almost like I was a young girl talking to my father. It was frightening.

"Then it can't be helped." He nodded. Lights on his implant flickered. "You did well to bring me this information. We'll see about getting you set up in a room within the academy. You should rest easy, now. I'll handle things from here."

I exhaled a sigh of relief.

"There's more, sir." I began. He'd begun to turn his attention away from me and hesitated. "We were betrayed by a student too. Ozpin suspected he was a sleeper agent. A man named Jaune Arc. I'm not sure if that matters to you but it's something to be aware of. He's the one with the relic of knowledge. We think he's bringing it to Salem. He's very dangerous. I also have the identities of two more of Salem's agents. A Tyrian Callows and Hazel Rainart, I have their fighting styles, weapons, and a description of them both."

"You've been through a great deal…"

"No more than anyone else since Beacon's fall and Black-Out day," I dismissed.

"Even still I had hoped to keep people as young as you out of the conflict. I wasn't so successful myself. You know Penny Polendina."

"It became a necessity. Ozpin was out of options after he died. He's in a body called Oscar now. And yes sir, I know her. She's alive?"

He smiled and nodded. "You can tell Winter about Salem's agents. It's good to hear from Ozpin. I'd been worried. I must arrange for his and Qrow's extraction," he phrased it like a kind of order and I had to resist the urge to give some kind of salute. My own military background having been raised in Atlas at the forefront of my mind.

"And my friends." I interrupted. It was a bit of a sticking point for me, I overcame my desire to salute and intruded anyways.

"Yes, of course," Ironwood agreed. He seemed to sense my anxiety about it. His voice was unusually gentle.

"Come with me Weiss," Winter said. "I'll tell you about the winter maiden and the staff of creation, if that's alright, sir?"

Ironwood dismissed us with a curt nod and Winter snapped off a salute before gently pulling me away.

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Winter led me beneath the school to the vault. There the staff of creation hung and suspended with it was the massive chunk of earth and ice the city floated on top of. "So the staff is what keeps the city floating? I always thought it was dust."

"That's the official story. But Ozpin showed the previous headmaster how to use the staff to levitate the city."

"How's this possible?" I was still tired from the flight but I had energy enough to be amazed at one of the relics in action.

"The staff is an unlimited source of power. Although it's limited to one task at a time. It and it's vault are set up in a circuit with the engines to help the city hover."

"That's amazing. It costs nothing and keeps the city safe. The relic of knowledge was similarly incredible."

I was able to look out and see gondolas on guide wires to the lower city.

"Oh?"

"It allows the user to ask any question of the lamp. Only three questions every one hundred years. We're afraid of what Jaune will do with it."

"Your friend who turned on you?"

"Yes." I breathed. "It's been hard."

"How are you holding up with that knowledge?"

"It's been difficult. My best friend was in love with him. Is in love with him. His betrayal came out of nowhere."

"Are you sure the rest of your friends can be trusted? You were rather insistent that your teammates join us here."

"I trust my teammates with my life."

"As you trusted this Jaune?"

"As Ozpin trusted Leonardo. Mistakes happen," I defended.

"Leonardo was a coward," Winter turned her nose up. "You could smell it on him."

I walked up and pressed a hand against the vault. The staff of creation was a beautiful object. A blue crystal wreathed in gold and mounted on a pillar of bronze, it was gorgeous. I'd only gotten a glimpse at the relic of knowledge but it was similarly intriguing.

"My teammates aren't cowards. And neither was Jaune. He was obsessive. That was his downfall."

"You defend him in this?"

"My partner and I think Salem did something to him." I stepped away from the crystal of the vault.

"Your partner who is in love with him?"

"That's right," I was adamant. "I know it sounds crazy. I know it sounds like an entangled mess of emotions but there are things about it that don't add up. Inconsistencies in his betrayal and personality which make no sense. I believe in her. I believe in him."

"You're right. It does sound like an entangled mess."

I glared at my sister. "Jaune was obsessive and one day he was killing and dying for us and the next he was turncoat."

"Traitorousness is the hardest to wrap our minds around because it often comes from those we least suspect. Betrayal is by its very nature unexpected."

"Maybe. Do you want to hear about Salem's other agents?"

"You've yet to give me a description of Jaune Arc."

"Tall, blonde, and muscular, blue eyes and about six-foot-one, maybe six-foot-two. He uses a broadsword that can turn into a shield with a longsword."

Winter sighed. "Weiss…"

"His semblance is called Limit Breaker. It's a charge which let's him elevate to a form where he is stronger and faster. He can do all manner of things with the charge. Fly, for example. And spend it on an attack or movement."

"Weiss it sounds like you, too, are muddled in this."

"I'm doing alright."

"Are you?"

"I-" I hesitated. "I liked him. As a person. The personality he developed. Who he became. The sacrifices he was willing to make for us. I got comfortable. It took me by surprise. Caught me off guard. He used to fancy me and I always felt like a good judge of character. He changed between Beacon and when I saw him again. I liked what I saw in him."

"And your friend?"

"She's hurting but we can get through it together."

"It's as I said. You're ensnared. You're too close to the issue. You need to look at things dispassionately."

"I don't know if I can do that with this. Could you do it if it was someone you cared about?"

"I have my duty," Winter insisted.

"Easy for you to say now." I sounded tired to my own ears. I didn't believe Winter. Maybe she never let herself get close to someone. It would be easy to do if you never had to try, I suppose. "I thought I'd be able to do it too. Now that it's happened to me it's clear that I can't. I have to stand with my partner."

"You're in pain."

"That's life." I pulled at my ponytail and tightened it.

"I hate seeing you like this. It sounds like you're not letting it go."

"I can't release it that easily. Jaune had a partner who died. He talked about getting revenge for her against the agents of Salem. We even talked about how he wanted to be able to let go for her. I think I understand what he meant now."

"I see. You're unwilling to compromise on this issue."

"I am." I agreed. "If time heals all wounds then I need more time."

"Tell me about the other agents of Salem."

"You already know of Cinder, the spring and fall maiden. She fights with glass and dust woven into her clothes. She's incredibly dangerous. Even before she added the spring maiden's power to her own. Jaune fought her before then. His power made him nearly as lethal."

"We have records of her. You keep coming back to Jaune."

"He's intertwined in my story," I dismissed easily. "Tyrian Callows is a scorpion Faunus. He fights with clawed submachine guns. His aura is purple. I fought him at Haven. His eyes are gold and his hair is brown. Hazel Rainart is eight-foot, maybe taller. He fights with his fist and by infusing himself with dust. He has brown hair and brown eyes."

"Do you know either's semblance."

"When I fought Tyrian I didn't catch it. Ozpin said Hazel's was a pain-numbing agent. It allowed him to infuse himself with more dust than your average person could tolerate."

"You've been through a lot since you left father's estate."

"You have no idea. You mentioned the winter maiden."

"I did."

Winter led me back through the Atlas Academy. We arrived at a medical facility. We passed armed guards, security cameras, and robots. A door slid open before us and she gestured inside. I followed her direction and looked down through what I could only assume was a one-way mirror.

"This is Fria."

She pointed down at a woman in a cot. There was a sink and kitchenette in the room as well as two tubes with cables between them.

"She's the winter maiden." I identified.

"She is. She could pass any day now. Until that happens I'm the only person she's allowed to see."

"Then Ironwood's chosen you. You'll be the new winter maiden. Cinder will come after you."

"You believe she won't stop at two?"

"She didn't stop at one. Why would she slow down now?"

"I suppose…" Winter mulled that over.

"How long have you known?"

"Since Beacon fell."

"And that doesn't bother you? Ironwood groomed your entire military career just for the purpose of becoming a maiden. Don't you feel like you never had any choice? And you want to lecture me about things getting muddled? Jaune mentioned to me that Ozpin was probably looking at me and my team to be maidens and it set off red flags for me. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized he was right. My team and I are ideal candidates. Powerful, talented, and already armed with knowledge."

"It did bother me at first. But the more I thought about it, the more I saw it as a privilege. It's a chance for me to do some real good for Atlas, for Remnant."

"I think you're ensnared by the general. Closing the borders down rather than helping the rest of the world, what is he thinking?"

"I-I'm not sure if I'll be allowed to tell you. There is a greater plan in play, I assure you, Weiss. Things are not as short-sighted as they may seem."

"I should hope not. Ozpin said he was worried for Ironwood next. If Ironwood starts going against Ozpin's orders things will be bad to say the least. Closing the borders is only frustrating things between Atlas and the rest of the world. Ironwood had better have a plan, and it had better be a damn good one."

"I'll see about getting clearance to talk about it with you."

"Thank you."

"I agree with the general's plan. I hope that you will too. Now I must ask what you intend to do?"

"What do you mean?"

"You're in Atlas. You're a huntress and from the sound of things you're never going back to live under father."

"Never again. No," I said, quiet but sure.

"So what will you do?"

"I'll do what my team and I have been doing. Protecting and serving the people of Remnant."

"How?"

"There's bound to be no shortage of jobs for those of us in the know. The Grimm are always coming. Salem's agents are at the gates at all times. My team and I have seen them. Those real monsters of humanity."

"You won't go back to school?"

"If I went back to school it would only be to teach. And even then…" It wouldn't be anytime soon. I wanted to fight.

"That would be a good career choice for you." Winter smirked.

I nodded. "For now, though, I just don't see it."

"Very well. I'm sure the general will be happy to have you and your team aboard."

"I'm sure he will be. Team RWBY is a force to be reckoned with."

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-WG

#winter schnee #james ironwood #rwby #ff7 #ffvii #cloud strife #cloud!jaune arc #sephiroth!Jaune arc #jaune arc #weiss schnee #ruby rose x jaune arc x weiss schnee #war of the roses #white rose #whiterose #whiteknight #white knight #lancaster #ruby rose

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bittybabybug · 3 years

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Worth

They say self-worth is a sense of one’s own value as a human being. The sense of being “good enough” and worthy of love and belonging from others. Self-worth and self-esteem are often influenced and built from a young age, and many things can factor into it as you grow into adulthood and experience life.

But what happens when your self-worth and identity are derived solely from others around you? What happens when those human beings teach and remind you regularly that your worth as a human being is to be of service with no regard to your own needs or well-being? To bring pleasure, peace, relief, or to simply an outlet for their emotions? That sense of worth and value becomes linked to what you can be used for, what you can bring to the table, rather than who you are.

Unfortunately, it’s a lesson that sticks with you for a very long time.

As a child, those things I mentioned above were my life the entirety of my upbringing into young adulthood. The things that I went through that formed my personality, my identity, my worth, my self-image and understanding were built on a foundation of abuse. They morphed – changing representation, changing style, acting as a chameleon to meet the needs and desires of the individuals who were responsible for well-being. I learned, very quickly, that my existence on this planet was to be of good use. Do as you’re told. Swallow the noise. Make no sound. Respond promptly, and positively, to any command no matter how painful, vile, upsetting, or heinous. Mask your feelings and your mental state to those around you both in private and in public. Toughen up. Feelings are neither to be seen nor heard – learn to stifle them all until you’re numb. Trust nobody, not even yourself. Play dead when it gets too tough. Take what you’re given with gratitude, it could be worse. Perk up, shine so bright nobody can see your pain. Allow others and yourself to place any and all blame on you. This is what you deserve.

These lessons were engrained into me daily for a period of years, and defined what I thought love was… They defined who I was and how much I valued myself. Those sort of lessons aren’t so easily forgotten or re-developed and have haunted me into my adult years. After being removed and/or removing myself from the environments I experienced them in, my need for emotional and physical pain morphed into toxic behavior. It presented in a multitude of ways, from self-sabotage, to self-injury, substance abuse, addictions, workaholism, unhealthy romantic relationships and friendships, toxic religion, anything and everything to try to satiate the emptiness I felt from no longer being “of use” and also the discomfort of actually wanting to be away from it too. After a period of years and a whole lot of unnecessary hardship, I got the help I needed, but the mental scars didn’t fade as quickly as the physical had.

As an adult, I still suffer from the consequences of my upbringing. I’ve heard all of the triumphs of people around me preaching “know your worth!” I’ve heard the lessons of removing yourself from relationships that don’t serve you or are unhealthy. I’ve heard “you determine your worth” or “you’re worth more” or, to my personal disdain, “you are worth the ____” albeit effort, discomfort, time, sacrifice, compromise, you name it. It makes my skin crawl and all I want to scream is NO I’M NOT.

Because how could I be? If I’m not being of use… If I’m not giving one thousand percent of myself to every person I cross paths with, and even moreso to those I love and care for… What use am I? What value do I have? If I’m not useful, I’m not worthy of your love, time, companionship, kindness, or human decency. If I’m not useful, I’m worth no more than to be tossed out into a dumpster and forgotten.

Clearly, I know this isn’t healthy. I know that I, just by being alive, deserve at minimum human decency, respect, love, empathy, etc. I know that… But somehow I still struggle to believe it. Though I want so badly to be loved with no strings attached, to be secure with no fear, to trust wholeheartedly without any hesitation, and to fully submit and give myself to someone knowing beyond a single doubt that they have my best interest at heart… That thought scares me to my core. Seeing it happens scares me even more. One benefit of my upbringing, is I at least learned to find comfort and solace in the abuse. I seek it. The chaos, unpredictability, highs and lows, and glimmers of hope for a healthy relationship keeps me coming back for more every time. I find it comforting, loving even. “Healthy” now feels vulnerable, terrifying, and unnatural. It goes against everything that I believe about myself, but deep down I know I both need and actually want too. I crave it in my soul, even if my mind and body are afraid of it.

So I’m learning to challenge those flawed core beliefs. I’m learning to accept love from others with no strings attached, and to simply sit with the discomfort until it eases. I’m learning that I can be loved for simply existing and being who I am, without offering anything in return. It’s painful and isn’t easy by any means… But slowly, I’m learning that I’m worth more than what I believe I’m worth or what I was taught. To accept no less and to keep pushing forward in search of all things beautiful, no matter how bumpy the road gets. One day I hope that I can see myself through the eyes of those who love me. To see my worth and value the way they see me… And ultimately be able to determine those on my own. To demand and accept no less. One day I hope it’ll come… Until then, I’ll keep working at it, every day, hand-in-hand with those who love me.

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100dad · 3 years

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100 things that made me America’s Dad

#1 I had Sex. It is tough to be a Dad when you do not have a kid. Full credit due for invitro dads, for adoption dads, and stepdads. I am not trying to bash on anybody’s parade. I just did it the old-fashioned way. Had a lot of fun. It is a natural talent.

#2 I got my priorities in the right order. It is not about me anymore. Faith. Wife. Kids. Then me. My hobbies take a back seat. The gym became less important.

#3 I made my marriage a priority.

#4 I made sure I could financially provide. Check income. Track expenses. Budget.

#5 Financially prepared for the future. College. Retirement. Big Purchases. House. Cars. Etc.

#6 I made sure I had a Will.

#7 I made sure I had Life Insurance.

#8 I recognized that I am now a role model. I should at least act like it.

#9 I stayed optimistic about everything. Because pessimism sucks.

#10 Made sure Mom and Dad are on the same team.

#11 My discipline game was on point. Strong, Firm, Reasonable.

#12 I protected my family. From physical harm, spiritual harm, emotional harm, evil.

#13 I am thankful for everything. Where I was born. The people I have met. That guy that gave me an idea. The guy that said I couldn’t. The ones that said I could. To authors. To haters. To supporters. Everything. Everyone.

#14 I provide. A roof, food, and water. Stable home. Education. Unconditional love. Discipline. Consequences.

#15 Not rigid. I stay flexible. Not only in the sack. I’m not going to be rigid in my parenting. Times change. Kids have different personalities. I adjust accordingly.

#16 I shouldered the responsibility. And the blame. All of it. I can handle it.

#17 I set the tone at home. It’s what a leader does.

#18 Made sure our family name means something in our community. How we carry ourselves and how we treat others.

#19 A good home life was more important than faking it on social media.

#20 I made sure our house was a home.

#21 I kicked ass at work. I tried to be the best. Because that is how you succeed.

#22 I prepare my kids for the real world. Age appropriately, of course.

#23 My values and morals are firm. I do not compromise on those.

#24 I put in the effort. Because this is too important to wing it.

#25 I became good at relationships. It’s amazing what being nice, reliable, and offering help will do for your reputation.

#26 Humbled myself because I realized my ego will be my downfall.

#27 Perspective was everything. I learned to put myself in other people’s shoes.

#28 Taught my kids about guns. If I am going to have them, we might as well make sure safety is taught and they do not become forbidden fruit.

#29 I reassessed who I hung out with. I wanted to elevate myself not be held back.

#30 This is who I took advice from. People who actually did what I wanted to do. Good Dads. Good businessmen who built from scratch.

#31 Time. Quality and quantity. I recognized its importance in raising a family. Time is everything.

#32 Let my kids be them. Not what I wish I had been. My Values and morals are firm but I let their personalities and talents bloom.

#33 I read books to my kids. Good bonding. Good teaching moments.

#34 I Play with my kids. Both when it was fun as they get older and when it was boring when they just laid there.

#35 I remain Calm under pressure. Cool heads prevail over emotional drama queens.

#36 I build up my kids’ confidence. Because self-esteem does not result from being crushed all the time.

#37 I give them frequent reality checks. If I’m going to be humbled…so will they. This isn’t a fairy tale.

#38 Created a stable home environment. Rules, routine, predictability.

#39 Realized how much these kids see and absorb…..and modified my behavior.

#40 I hated negativity. Still do.

#41 Vices – not for me. I can say no. I can handle stress. Drugs, alcohol, gambling, porn, tobacco….I make sure my mind is more powerful than temptation.

#42 My secret formula. Hard work + Good Decisions + Faith =Success

#43 Failing does not bother me. In fact, it oddly is fun for me.

#44 Plowed thru fears. Pushed forward. No, what-ifs.

#45 Live without regret. I do not want to be 90 wishing I had been a better dad or tried to make something of myself.

#46 Not afraid to make the unpopular decision because I know it is the right decision.

#47 I do not get painted into corners. If A and B are the only options. I find or create an option C.

#48 I am not afraid to get weird and step outside my comfort zone.

#49 I did not say the things I wanted to say when I was angry. Because I knew I would regret it and once those things are said they never really get taken back.

#50 Loved taking those scary leaps toward opportunities.

#51 Gave my kids independence and freedom as they earned it.

#52 I am not a helicopter dad. But I do verify the trust and freedoms I have allowed are worthy.

#53 Comparison was motivation, not depression. I was never envious, just inspired.

#54 Our house had RULES. Because structure is important.

#55 I refused to sacrifice my family to excel in my career.

#56 I let my kids fail…. a lot.

#57 Became okay with asking for help…. letting go of that ego thing.

#58 Actions were more important than words…. anybody can say the words.

#59 I didn’t make excuses, I just got things done.

#60 Willingness to do what others would not. I found there is much value in doing the things others find demeaning or too hard.

$61 I found the best balance is balancing over longer periods of time. Not day to day or even weekly. More seasonal.

#62 I gave myself reality checks. Check that ego.

#63 I realized how good I have it. And I did my best to soak in that contentment.

#64 Recognized my kids’ genetics and focused on their talents, skills, and personalities.

#65 Respect is important. Earning it & Giving it.

#66 Bravery is important. Super important. Stand up for what I genuinely believe in.

#67 Raising my kids to be fully functional adults.

#68 I used short-term tactics with long-term visions.

#69 Pushed my kids to be better, braver, stronger.

#70 Teach my kids everything I can about life, so they are prepared when they enter the real world without me.

#71 Recognized how important dads’ role is in the family.

#72 I document a lot. It’s great for memories. Reflection. Appreciation.

#73 I controlled my kids' influences. What they see, experience, hear.

#74 Strong man- Kind heart.

#75 The secret to a good life is simply being happy.

#76 I do my best. Give my best. Because effort is huge!

#77 Realized my wife was insanely important to our life.

#78 I drive our family value home repeatedly. No one and done. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

#79 Started my own businesses giving us control of our lifestyle.

#80 Worked close to home because I hated the idea of traffic instead of family.

#81 Made big efforts to be incredibly involved in my kids’ lives. Even the not so fun things.

#82 We switched to homeschooling. More time. More freedom. More control of influences.

#83 Knew my priorities in life. Faith. Family. Work. Friends.

#84 Budgeting was a huge deal. Both of us stayed involved and adhered to it. Neither of us wasted our hard-earned money.

#85 I did not borrow money. No partners. No inheritance. All on my own. No scapegoats. No crutches.

#86 Willing to do unpopular things and go against the grain. Because going along with crowds seems so…. basic.

#87 Cared more about building a net worth than impressing people.

#88 Despite mediocre grammar skills I enjoy writing out my thoughts. Creates clarity and conviction!

#89 Never traveled as a kid, Limited travel as an adult= Strong desire to travel!

#90 Sold a valuable business to the right company at the right time. Luck helps. Luck seems to happen to people who work really hard and do the right things.

#91 Realized having cash and no debt gives you options and freedom and tremendous peace of mind.

#92 Set huge, big goals. Never achieved them totally. But when I came up short, I still did great!

#93 Never afraid of work…even hard work, willing to outwork everyone.

#94 My hobby was my family and work. I excelled at the 2 things I focused most on.

#95 Leaned heavily on my Faith. Put my worries, struggles, anxieties on shoulders bigger than mine.

#96 I knew I did not want to replicate the bad parts of my father …but I did want to replicate the good parts.

#97 Married a girl with the same values and morals as me. With similar goals. With similar ethics. With the same determination to work through bad times and build a good life.

#98 Looked at my ancestry and wanted to become a legend in my family. I wanted our name to really mean something.

#99 Lived a life that if someone wants to dig into it there is nothing to find. Squeaky clean.

#100 Wrote down our family values. This became our compass and roadmap.

100% Dad is currently on tour traveling the country promoting the 100% Dad brand. Townsend Russell is the Founder and Personality for 100% Dad. Townsend has been on the tour for over 15 months with his family with plans to continue until January 2023. Townsend sold his businesses and retired in 2019 and has been building 100% Dad and creating insane memories with his family along the way.

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