#if you read all of it you get a gold star

[artemisdesari-blog]

A writer friend told me something that broke my heart a little bit today; they're going to quit publishing their fanfic.

My instant thought was that they had been trolled or attacked or that something terrible had happened in their life because this person is so passionate about their writing. It wasn't any of that. Engagement with their works has been going down, as it has for many of us. Comments are like gold dust a lot of the time, and just looking through the historical comment counts on old fics on ao3 demonstrates this trend very clearly. It was not simply the comments dropping off which caused them to decide to stop posting, however.

My friend came across a discord server for their fandom (I should point out here that their fandom interest and mine diverged a couple of years ago, we stay in touch but don't currently read each other's posts because I'm not into their fandom and they would rather gouge their eyes out with a wooden spoon than read anything Star Wars) and specifically to share fic in that fandom. They joined, because we all love a good fic rec, only to discover that their latest multichapter fic, which has almost no comments and very few kudos, is being hotly discussed in this server as one of the best stories ever. Not one of these people has bothered to say this to them on the fic. When they asked, none of participants could see the point in telling the author of the fic they apparently loved so much that they love it.

This discovery has absolutely destroyed my friend's love of sharing fic. They share because they love seeing other people's enjoyment, and fic writers do that through comments and kudos/reblogs/likes because we don't get paid. There is no literary critic writing a blog post/article about how amazing the story is for us to copy and keep/frame. There is no money from royalties. All we have are the words of the people reading our works.

Those people on that server could have taken five minutes of the time they spent gushing about how amazing my friend's story was to other people and used it to tell the one person guaranteed to want to hear that praise how much they loved it. They could have taken a moment to express their opinion to the person who spent hours upon hours plotting, writing, editing, and posting those chapters. Instead, they deprived my friend of thing that keeps them sharing their writing, and in the process have killed their love of it. My friend now feels used and unmotivated.

I won't be sharing a link to their fic, they said I could share their experience but not their identity. I know they plan to post one final chapter. I know they intend to express their hurt at being excluded from the praise for the thing they created, and I know they intend to announce that as a consequence they will not be posting for a long while, if at all.

So please, I beg you, don't hide your love of a story from the writer. It's just about the only thing we have.

[hypnagogic-marshmallow]

Wanting to share something I've been thinking about a lot lately, and it involves my relationship to my own fanfiction as a neurodivergent individual.

Specifically, I have a lot of anxiety around sharing my fandoms with people. And sometimes I have a hard time telling someone I write fanfiction.

But I'm not ashamed of fanfiction! And I'm not ashamed of my fandoms, either! That's the weird part.

To me, fanfiction is a beautiful thing. It's accesible to everyone at every level of writing skill. It's a way to interact with and expand on a world or characters that we love.

So why am I like this??

This is where the neurodivergence comes in.

And it's less of a direct cause. More of my experiences surrounding it.

See, a few years ago (who knows how many time is an illusion) I got diagnosed with ADHD-PI. And just this year, I found out I have autism, too.

ADHD has hyperfixations, right? And autism has special interests. Which means for kid and teen Me, well...by their powers combined, I developed a rotating cast of Super Interests.

Games and show and subjects and topics that became comfort things. That gave me my dopamine fix and made me happy.

Fanfiction was one of those. I was already a constant daydreamer; fanfiction was a natural evolution of the things I loved.

The thing is, my extreme interest in things often became labeled as 'obsessions'. Not a bad word inherently, but one that has baggage for me. I learned when people around me used that word, they didn't often mean it in a good way. I did everything I could to avoid being called 'obsessed'.

As a result, I became very guarded about the interests I shared with others. I still struggle with it.

For instance, I'm very active on the NaNo forums! But I change the names of any fandom characters to random shit before I post! Not because I'm ashamed of my writing or my main fandom, but because I'm so fucking scared that if I'm just honest about what I like, someone is going to come along and break it. They're going to ruin a thing I love.

I don't think this is a rational fear; I've never ever seen anyone pick on anyone else over a fandom there.

It's just a hold-over from a younger me, who learned to hide the things most important to them so someone couldn't come along and break them.

This got long, and I don't really know if there's a point here. I guess...if this strikes a cord with anyone, or someone is struggling with similar feelings...

Just a reminder that it's okay to care deeply about things, even if others around you don't. It's okay to have passions. It's okay if those passions change, or if you've had the same ones since you were a kid.

I know just saying that doesn't fix anything, but...I hope it can make it a little better. :)

Happy hobbying, y'all.

[wigglybunfish]

Designs for the funky humans of PreservationAux, Perihelion, + one very tired SecUnit and a monstrous Research Transport AI.

[letsmcfreackingloseit]

So yes I have OF COURSE read @naffeclipse new fic Apex Polarity and yes, I AM OBSESSED!

So I decided to make a little comic of how I think their "first encounter" might have looked like from Eclipse's perspective.

I can't help but think about how alien and scary we most look to him (especially if there is a history of fasco hunting polar sirens in the past). With all that gear we look like emotionless beings, just observing and uncaring of this ice world. But then when y/n shows up and probably exudes this joy and wonder for his world + shows respect for the creatures and the environment??? Mmh yeah, I can see Eclipse falling for y/n, especially considering how alone he might be...

So yes, that's what I have for today! If you want to read the fic I'll link it right here. I can't recommend it enough, but as always, read the tags so you know what you're getting into! And lastly I also want to @themeeplord beacuse Eclipse's design is basically their design in my style (god I love their design so much, their character/creature designs are the BEST) so all the credit goes to them! Polar!Y/N is my design thou! ;P

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go read the two latest chapters-

YIPPEE!!!

[starflungwaddledee]

oc ask meme time hi

i am SO SO sure someone's asked this already but in the small chance no one has... i am so curious: 🥀 (Wilted Rose) - Do they have a Soul form? What would it look and act like? How much control over themselves do they have? Is it still possible to save them, or are they too far gone?

additionally 🛡️💜🕸️< any of these if you'd like!

[ >>> kirby oc ask meme <<< ] fourth time i've been asked this one and i've already buck passed on it, so you know what.... i decided to bite!!!

just for you, because you asked so nicely 💖

🥀 (Wilted Rose) - Do they have a Soul form? What would it look and act like? How much control over themselves do they have? Is it still possible to save them, or are they too far gone?

i think the circumstances for a soul form to happen to her would be near impossible, but not entirely. i think this would be nothing less than a catastrophic printer error. i think it would be bad!! i think it is not supposed to happen, and if it ever did it would be really, really bad. i am not at all confident you'd ever get her back. attacks would not be necessary. i think i'm hardly skilled enough for this and that there should be at least three more rings (i couldn't make it work) and possibly some other things going on, but here's my best estimate:

[salt-baby]

As someone who is currently working in the healthcare field and looking at attended medical school, can you please elaborate on the ableism and doctors post you made? I’d very much like to avoid inadvertently falling into that category.

Somehow this missed my radar, my bad!

It's a difficult question to answer, although it is the right question to be asking.

You can find my other elaborations here and here, which will likely be helpful.

But to address your specific question, when I think about the ableism of practitioners, in some cases it is just bias, but in many it's just your run of the mill ignorance.

It takes experience to work well with disabled people - both because of the heterogeneity of them, and because the disabled experience is so far removed from the able bodied one.

Some people like myself call themselves disabled as an identity they're proud of, some people call themselves disabled but are uncomfortable with their condition to various degrees, and a lot of people would find it offensive for you to call them disabled because they would call themselves chronically ill or not impaired at all.

In your medical practice, "disabled" is going to be a legal term with a set definition, used to distribute benefits. You'll be taught an impairment model of disability, and your first instinct will likely be to try and fix the problem your patient is experiencing.

In a case like mine, that's not a mindset the patient is going to appreciate, as backwards as it sounds. Yes, I'm in a doctor's office to get treated, but the reality is that expert doctors have already evaluated my conditions and done all they can to help me. There's no quick fix - the fantasy of curing a difficult case is impossible with me, but it doesn't stop some young doctors from trying. My disability isn't one illness, but ten, and often what disables me is the environment around me rather than my actual illness (this is called the social model of disability, and that's where you should start studying).

I'm in a doctor's office to find relief from specific symptoms, or for a new problem (secondary to my existing conditions) that has popped up. Some residents have reviewed my entire medical file, and asked about things that weren't followed up on, and there's only so many times I can say "there's nothing we can do about it". Many premeds, when I mention the medications I'm taking, think that there must be some kind of better medication setup for me. Except there isn't, all of my meds are essential, and at this stage of illness, all medications have nasty side effects. I will never get better and will likely live the rest of my life on immunosuppressants and I'm okay with that, but that's very difficult for able bodied people, esp medical practitioners, to accept.

And in many cases, medical practitioners have put their foot in their mouth by just being ignorant. One person working at a rehab hospital asked if I slept in my orthotics - the answer is no, obviously, orthotics are painful to wear (it's also bad form to ask a disabled person about their disability just because you're curious). Someone told me it'll be okay, they used to wear wrist braces too and they're fine now - in reality, their supervisor just told me to consult surgeons, I was recommended casts, and my wrists remain permanently displaced to this day. I lost most of my ability to write. Our issues were not the same.

On another occasion, a premed picked up my orthotics and moved them away from me without asking - those are expensive (2000$ USD) and irreplaceable, and I need them to walk, I'm vulnerable without them. But to others, they wouldn't be aware that those braces are that valuable. Many disabled people, myself included, view mobility aids as an extension of their own body. For all intents and purposes, my orthotics are my "knees". I often compare it to a phone - it'd be really weird to take someone's phone and move it away from them, or even to touch it unannounced in the first place.

The reality of what a disabled life actually looks like is obscure to the vast majority of able bodied people. Let me be clear, I live a happy and satisfying life, where I enjoy my work and my friends and my family. My existence is not a tragedy, and when it's treated like one, it devalues my hard-won happiness in life and what I have to contribute to the world. But at the same time, every hour of every day is impacted by my disability. I have to change how I cook because I struggle with lifting a pot or standing on my feet for too long, my closet has to be adapted for my orthotics and nerve pain, a number of medications have to be kept basically within ten feet of me at all times, and I have to be very careful anytime I eat something I didn't prepare myself.

You may prescribe a medication which you know can cause nausea, and not realize to your patient, that side effect looks like being sick everyday, skipping meals, wearing a mask so a smell doesn't set you off, and not enjoying eating anymore. You may write a script for the test which is medically the correct option, but your patient may be sensitive to the specifics of the procedure (ie, for religious reasons, it may be difficult to strip down to a gown for some of the more involved imaging procedures). Cystometry and other urological procedures especially. I find this is where doctors sometimes inadvertently do harm. The best option for your patient isn't always the best option medically - it's what fits their priorities and improves their quality of life.

Understand that the current culture in medicine, for doctors, is often very callous and frustrated towards their patients. Recently I heard someone express that their patient needed to just accept their disability already and start being compliant with treatment - they had been disabled for three months. It took me a year to feel even remotely settled with becoming disabled, and my disability isn't nearly as severe as that patient's. Do not follow in your colleagues' footsteps.

If you spend the time trying to understand your patients (which may look like reading disability theory papers, memoirs, watching documentaries, possibly even volunteering, talking to some of your seniors with more experience, etc) then you're already miles better than most of your coworkers. Take the time to consider it from your patients point of view, and even though it's not what's in your textbook, appreciate the value of the information your patient brings to the table (their experience, their concerns, their gut feelings), and you've already done what most disabled people are desperately searching for in a practitioner.

The reality of a minority identity, is that for adults who have become accustomed to something like being disabled, it matters a lot more where your heart is than what you actually say. I don't care if someone is politically correct - I care if they're trying. Even if they're not quite there, that effort will pretty much always be seen and appreciated. I'd far rather someone call me "handicapped" but never view me as lesser, rather than someone who falls over themselves to "accommodate my limitations" and never actually intends to accommodate anything. Be sincere, and you can make mistakes, we'll know what the intention was.

Best of luck, my friend.

[heybiji]

supe npc (Then and Now) for a MASKS: A New Generation game I'm gonna be running for some friends. TrueStrike, mentor to the protégé character. left was him before he disappeared from the public eye after the intense ridicule brought on from accidentally killing destroying a city institution: the giant, beloved balloon mascot of the city's favorite donut shop (Dino Donut, the D-Rex, of Dino Donut), traumatizing a generation of children who loved it and all the adults who grew up with it. there were a lot of kids screaming, crying, The Day Dino Donut Died. The Dino Donut balloon has since been replaced with a statue of a hipper version of the D-Rex that wears a backwards baseball cap and everyone hates it.

TrueStrike currently lives inside a storage unit, monitoring the city with all his high tech computers as he sinks deeper into paranoia and self-pity, missing his ex-wife and kid, and tries not to spend too much time refreshing the FUCK TRUESTRIKE geocities page. he mostly uses his protégé to get him pizza.

[sea-you-in-paradise]

☽ ⛧  a r m i n   a r l e r t ‘ s   s l e e p i n g   h a b i t s  ⛧ ☾

summary - a *painstaking* list of every (sfw :/) sleep-related armin thought

word count - 1.954

setting - canonverse implied, but can be applicable to modern au

features - armin :)))

genderneutral!reader (implied established relationship)

warnings - implied nsfw

note: here is a link to the nsfw part 2 (MDNI!)

before he goes to sleep, armin utilizes every waking minute to the fullest extent. 

- if he’s coming up with a plan of some sort, he will not sleep until he’s gone through every possible outcome he can think of

- spends time getting ahead of future work so he can never get behind

- sometimes he will get really lost in his books (obviously)

- most of the time, he pushes himself to stay awake far past the limit of what is considered “normal”

he’s trying to tire himself out enough to avoid nightmares

- he can go about 50 hours without napping, but tries to sleep before that (at least in small intervals) because he jokes that he can feel his brain cells dying. if he’s up for this long, it’s usually because he’s in the field/in charge of something that will effect a lot of people

- his naps are long enough to recharge a bit, but not normally long enough for more than 1 REM cycle

____________________

*however* when he actually sleeps (and i mean like a real sleep. all it takes is a semi-comfortable bed/couch and no responsibilities until 10:00 the next day), armin sleeps.

- the minute this man’s eyes shut for the evening, good luck getting them to open again. needless to say, he’s a heavy sleeper

- despite refusing to admit how tired he is while he’s awake, once he’s under a comforter it would take a fucking fire to get him to stand up again

- an unburdened armin needs a minimum of 10 hours, but ideally 15 (ofc, if he were to actually sleep that much more than twice a month, he would freak out and feel like he’s missing his life)

____________________

- he likes to wear either flannel or cotton pajama pants and a long-sleeved shirt, and he likes it when you borrow each other’s clothes to wear to bed, especially when you’re apart (either to wear or just to have for the smell lol)

- if you go to bed at the same time and you have some sort of skincare routine, he really likes to watch and learn about what all the products do. bonus points if you do his skincare too. sometimes he’d probably keep you company while you do this even if he’s not going to sleep yet

- he’s really meticulous about brushing his teeth for a long time (canonverse specific, iykyk ;-;)

- if it’s up to him, he prefers bedding he can sink into. cushy mattress and either a duvet or comforter with a really plush blanket in case he gets chilly (he will get chilly. he is always cold. he sleeps in socks)

- he likes a pretty firm pillow tho because neck support > sleeping on a cloud

- right side of the bed is his preference, but he would give it up in a heartbeat for you

- sleeping position varies. usually he sleeps on his side, but he also sleeps on his back sometimes bc he has back pain and he doesn’t want to strain it more :( 

- if he’s alone he sleeps facing towards the door bc he’s anxious. if you’re there, he likes it when you face each other or if one of you rests their head on the other’s chest

- if you move away from him, he will notice because he’ll get cold and he’ll move towards you again

- he doesn’t snore or breathe heavily, but he occasionally does the thing where he has little gasps or sharp inhales

____________________

- he does what he can to prevent dreaming, but it still happens sometimes

- if he has nightmares it usually comes with night sweats and crying in his sleep. he doesn’t move a lot tho and he doesn’t wake you up on purpose. when he wakes up, it’s not some big jolt. his eyes shoot open and he takes in his bearings before getting up to change his clothes and get some water. when he comes back, he’s careful to get into bed really softly and then he’ll hold you as you sleep. if you wake up, please hold him back and run your fingers through his hair :(

- his nightmares are usually anxiety/regret/remorse related. he’ll talk about them after they happen sometimes and cry a little bit if you’re awake and he feels like it, but he doesn’t like to talk about them in the morning

- most nights he’s too tired to dream tho, so it’s okay ;-; no it’s not, he just says that

____________________

- armin is not a morning person.

- as a matter of fact, if he gets less than his 10 hours, he is a certified grump. and he is so embarrassed about it

- he does everything he can to prevent it. like going to bed early if he can make himself or budgeting time into his schedule to stay in bed for longer, but he cannot stop the inevitable- if anyone, including you, tries to make him get up, he is a little bitch. 

____________________

the morning of a day off/day with few responsibilities might go something like this:

- armin goes through three stages once he’s been woken up: pouting, bargaining, and complete loss of filter. he will go through a version of these stages whether he is forcing himself to wake up, is woken up by a friend, or by you. as his partner, it’s usually you who is subject to this trio of events, even if you’re the gentlest, most loving person in the world

- if you must wake him up, he likes it when you stroke his arm/back and whisper softly. it takes some time, but he’ll eventually make a whiny noise and move around a little (if this isn’t your style, a more take-no-shit approach will be briefly detailed later)

- the pouting stage is exactly what it sounds like and it will be the shortest of the three. he’ll pull his covers a lot tighter and turn on his stomach so he can block the light easier and in the prettiest voice bc it’s all pouty, but also raspy from sleep, he’ll say something like, “baby, it’s so early, i don’t think it’s time yet.”

- then, when he’s more aware of the situation, he’ll turn to you and choose one of three options: a) he’ll ask for ten more minutes and promise not to complain when you wake him up again (lies). b) he’ll ask you for cuddles until he’s more awake. if you agree, it absolutely will not wake him up more, he will drift off again even if you’re talking to him. if you agree and you don’t have anything super important going on soon, he will try to make you fall back asleep too so he has an even better excuse for not showing up. c) he will attempt to seduce you. this sometimes follows option b (see note above for link to the nsfw hcs for more on this one)

- if you survive the bargaining stage and armin realizes that you’re not giving up, he will put on his grump face. it’s a cross between a pout and a glare, and it is rather amusing

- BUT unless you want him to be mean (and not in a fun hot way), do not make fun of him for the face. if you do, you’re going to realize that armin’s observation skills really do come in clutch and you’re going to start wondering about all of the things you do around him without noticing

- it would be like : “it’s so funny when you make that face” and then he fake smiles and in a totally innocent voice says something like, “aww, i’m sure it’s not as funny as you having broccoli in your teeth at dinner last night! It was in there like all night. sorry i didn’t tell you, it was just so funny.”

- he definitely apologizes for this later and most of the time assures you that he wasn’t being serious, but sometimes he is being serious. and the worst part is that you’ll never know all the embarrassing things he’s noticed you doing that he just doesn’t say anything about

- if you don’t make fun of the face though, you will stumble across a prime opportunity

- as someone who likes to lie in bed for a bit (forever) after waking up, armin will probably fall back asleep if he’s not doing something. so what better way to make sure he wakes up than to gossip with him?! with no filter, armin will say what he is honestly thinking about the people around him, and more often than not, he has some strong opinions

- tbh it’s just shit talking floch most of the time and he tells you what he finds annoying about everyone in the friend group (jean gets on his nerves the most)

____________________

- if you’re the kind of person who will not baby him, mad respect to you. it would go more like this

- if you wake him up abruptly, he will be very surprised every single time. normally, he would find you’re assertive tendencies hot. this is not one of those times. assuming you leave immediately after waking him, armin will run through his stages on his own. he will fall asleep in either the pouting or bargaining stage. then stage 3 will be taken out on you when he finally pulls himself out of bed. he will go find you and be snarky, no gossiping, only sass. it is unbecoming, but also hilarious

____________________

- regardless of how things play out, when armin finally “gains consciousness,” he is usually a bit mortified. he knows it was so nice of you to wake him up and he feels so bad for being grumpy (and for being so candid about his thoughts on Jean’s unrequited love), but his brain is always working overtime and sometimes there are some really positive benefits to his morning alter ego. the selfish parts of him don’t really feel like giving it up, especially if you don’t mind. that being said, he only apologizes for behavior he intends to change, so if this sort of morning routine is okay with you, he doesn’t really have anything to say sorry for. he’s so grateful that you have so much patience and love for him and he’s glad that there’s someone who is willing to help him stay punctual <333

____________________

- once in a blue moon on these days off, armin wakes up before you (he’s well rested sometimes???) and if that happens he will move closer to you and wrap his arms around you

- if you have long enough hair he will brush it off your forehead. tuck it behind your ears, fix your bonnet, move your braid(s)/ponytail to a more comfy position (etc). he just likes being tentative 

- MORNING FOREHEAD KISSES AJDFADJFLDFEW

- even if he is awake, he will do everything in his power to stay in bed with you for as long as humanly possible

- on days when he has actual responsibilities, armin is pretty good about being punctual, but he will still stay in bed as long as humanly possible and go through a shortened version of his routine. he’s good about being places on time, but it doesn’t mean he is in a good mood

____________________

- and finally, despite everything, he doesn’t drink caffeine in the morning. he is a firm believer that a cold glass of water will wake him up faster. since he doesn’t eat much for breakfast, he doesn’t want to get jittery

[faehrnem]

In a different timeline, where Faehrnem never comes to be as the Bold Tree follows in his older sister's footsteps by setting aside his own wants and dreams to instead begrudgingly take on his role as an avatar.

[ribcage-bitch-ass]

ominis gaunt and mc - 1897

plz repost, it’s better than liking!

[wellijustfinnihedoneofthebooks]

Yes, my favorite book ever is interview with the vampire. My favorite vampire chronicles book? Obviously, the vampire lestat.

[martianbugsbunny]

Personally i doubt thor knows loki loves him

U know what I'm gonna take the challenge on this one. Now, this post will only discuss their relationship in the movies before Ragnarok, because I don't really like that movie and I think it did a great disservice to both the characters and their relationship; the brightest and best of them comes from Thor, Avengers, and Dark World in my opinion, so I will be talking about what I love rather than what I have at best apathy for. Sticking it under the cut (it got looooong because I love to think about their dynamic), so if you want my opinion, read on, and if you've seen enough opinions for a lifetime and don't want any more, scrumble away and have a lovely day

Okay so let's start with Thor. In the beginning of that movie, there is absolutely no doubt in Thor's heart that Loki loves him, and here's why: Thor is an arrogant man who is largely blind to the things he doesn't agree with or understand. He has this mentality of other people just being made to love and adore him, because he's the future warrior king of Asgard, he's the golden boy, and because Asgard's people really do love and adore him, so his arrogance is only being confirmed by other people's actions. And of course, there's nobody who should love and adore Thor more than his brother, right?

Now, here's where I want to digress for a minute to talk about how incredibly unhealthy their relationship is. Thor kind of has the same outlook that Loki expresses in Avengers, that people are beneath him, and that's why they should all be looking up to him with awe and praise, and that extends even to his own brother. He tells Loki to mind his place and kind of brushes off his advice, because even though they're brothers and that's the closest anyone could get to being his equal, it's still not enough. Thor views Loki as another person who is beneath him, but who ultimately can't do anything but look up to him and love him.

This is an illusion.

Loki does love Thor. Their relationship, with how complicated and messy it is, only works if they truly love each other, and they do. But it's not the blind, adulating love that Thor expects. It's a jealous, aching love. Loki craves being equal to Thor, a problem that's only exacerbated by the way Thor denies him that position. He craves to be loved as he's assumed to love. And the problem with a love like that is how quickly it can turn. If Thor won't give Loki the affection he needs, then Loki isn't going to show Thor affection the way Thor wants him to, either.

That first movie is in multiple ways a brutal awakening for Thor. He's not the man his father wants him to be. His entire life he's been training to be king and then that future seems like it's been ripped away from him. He has his power and then it's all gone. And his brother, this person around whom he's constructed a narrative of almost reverent adoration, suddenly turns against him, tries to keep him in exile and then to kill him, tries to take the life that was promised to Thor. That looks absolutely nothing like the love Thor has believed Loki feels for him.

I would feel some doubt at that point. I think anyone would. My sibling tried to kill me. Does he still love me? Did he ever love me?

And to add to that natural doubt, Thor doesn't understand Loki. He never really has. He doesn't know what it's like to be, as Loki says later, living in the shade of someone else's greatness, the trickster brother who's never really trusted, let alone lauded. And correct me if I'm wrong, but even by the end of Thor, he doesn't know what really tipped Loki off the deep end. He doesn't know that Loki's just found out he's a Jotun in a land of Asgardians, that he's the very thing he's been brought up to hate and fear, so Thor doesn't understand why Loki is acting so erratically, which must compound the doubt for him. From his point of view it's like a light switch flicked and now Loki's trying to kill him, which increases the did he ever? question. Was it always a facade? And I don't think Thor ever quite realizes the illusion he built around Loki, the difference between his expectations and reality to begin with, so he also wouldn't be seeing that it's not quite instantaneous, that there were years of building resentment and longing that contributed to the tipping point of Loki's changed behavior.

So by the end of Thor, yes, he's got to be wondering if Loki loved him.

But when Thor appears in Avengers, do you remember what plea he makes? He says I grieved for you, I want you to come home. That's not the kind of thing you say to someone you think doesn't care about you. That's a plea to the heart. That's Thor trying to get to the love he knows is in there somewhere, behind everything else that's built up around Loki's heart; that's Thor saying I know you still love me, I don't know what changed, but please let our bond be enough to fix it. Whatever he's been thinking about between the events of those two movies, he's moved past that doubt enough to think maybe Loki's love for him will be enough to bring him home, even if some part of him expects Loki to say no anyway. We know that in the interim he learned of Loki's status as a Jotun, so maybe Thor's even begun to try to understand. Maybe he's been thinking about the fact that life got very hard and very confusing for Loki very suddenly, and he wonders if now that some time has passed, there's a chance Loki wants to come back and work through it with him and their parents. When he says "we were raised together, we played together, we fought together," he's not just trying to convince Loki that he's loved, he's trying to remind Loki of his own love.

Again, during the Battle of New York itself, Thor makes a similar plea. He offers that he and Loki stop the fight together, and his eyes are so incredibly soft when he says it, you know he believes it can still work. That belief comes from knowing there's something in Loki that wants to say yes, something that loves Thor enough to give up his dream of kingdom and stop the invasion. His use of together is interesting not just because he's offering Loki a way out, putting it on the table that Loki can exercise his heart and choose a better path, but also because he's finally putting Loki on the same level he is. We can do this, we can return home, you just have to find some part of you that loves me enough to choose equality with me in this fight over equality with me in having thrones. He also holds back when he's dueling Loki, which is a horrible idea if you actually believe a person has the capacity to kill you, but if you don't believe that, it's an ultimate show of trust. Thor kind of puts his life in Loki's hands by not using his full strength, and only after Loki rejects his offer and stabs him does he finally use more brute force, although it's still not enough to kill Loki or even knock him out. Thor really believes, not just wants to believe, that Loki will not kill him given the chance, that there is something in him that wants to go home, and it's all because Thor, after all his shattered illusions, still believes there is love for him in Loki's heart, even if it has been touched and twisted by anger and pain.

In Dark World, Thor is much more pessimistic when he breaks Loki out of jail. He basically says that his brother is no longer in there, that he won't hesitate to kill Loki if he steps out of line. I think this is important to note because Thor isn't saying I don't believe you love me anymore, he's saying the person who loved me is dead and this shell is all that remains. Thor says he no longer has hope, but he's still clinging to that belief that Loki did love him, in his own way, and he would rather view Loki as dead than let go of it.

But beyond that, there's the fact that he not only lets Loki out of the handcuffs, he gives Loki a knife. Once again, you don't give a weapon to someone you wouldn't trust not to kill you, and you don't trust someone you've had so much tension with not to kill you unless you believe they love you. Loki says "trust my rage" re: Frigga being killed, but I would argue that actually wouldn't go in his favor. Thor has seen what Loki resorts to when he's not processing his emotions in any way other than rage: he attacks Thor, he falls into perfidy, he just lashes out at the closest target. And even despite that, despite having fought Loki in Thor and in Avengers, having witnessed firsthand what destruction Loki was willing to either cause or help facilitate, Thor still gives him a weapon and trusts that Loki isn't going to kill him. There is clearly still a part of Thor that is saying he loves me, he's not going to kill me.

Of course, by the end of that movie, Thor is rewarded in his faith. Loki stabs Kurse to save Thor, and it appears to cost him his life, and as he's dying, what does Thor say? Stay with me. In essence, loving me so much you'll die for me isn't enough, love me so much you'll stay alive for me. It's not a rational thing to say to someone who appears to be bleeding out; a person can't generally stave off death on willpower alone when they've been stabbed in the gut. Thor always ends up speaking to Loki's heart, because he knows that heart is bitter and full of rage and grief but also love, even though Loki is absolutely horrible at expressing it most of the time. I want to talk about why Loki might've faked his death and taken Odin's place at the end of that movie in another post, but part of me really thinks he chose that specific way to fake his death because he wanted Thor to see that Loki did love him, and that was the only way he could think of to reach out without actually having to confront his own pain and the enormity of the breach between them. Now, the "I didn't do it for him" could be taken one of two ways: it was actually for Frigga, or it was actually for Thor. I'm very much inclined to believe the latter, as Thor is the one present in the scene. Also, the expression on Thor's face when Loki says that is so frozen, like yes, I wanted more than anything to be told that you still care, but not like this. And it feels like Loki is doing his best to communicate that he does love Thor, but his communication skills, especially with Thor, are severely distorted, partially by that unhealthy relationship they had early on where he most likely never felt entirely welcome to speak his true feelings, and partially by the chasm that opened between them when Loki went into his downward spiral of destruction, both of himself and of others. I genuinely think Loki doesn't know how to just say it. To quote myself from an earlier post I made about Loki, he feels like "there’s no way he can possibly repair the relationships he’s broken," so he doesn't try to apologize and make up for it. Like someone else (I forget who) has already said, sacrifice is the way Loki makes up for things. So he gives Thor this image of a sacrifice, the ultimate expression of love and devotion, because he doesn't know how else to say it.

What's the point of all this? Thor knew Loki loved him. That's the whole point of their story. Their love for each other is the cornerstone on which that immense cosmic narrative is built. Even with doubt, anger, bitterness, frustration, grief, pain all complicating their relationship and getting in the way of actually expressing love to each other, the fundamental truth of Thor and Loki is love. Is faith. Is hope. Is saying maybe you don't know how to say it, maybe you're trying to shut it down, but I know there is something in you that loves me and that's the part I choose to believe in.

Thor knew Loki loved him.

[nyxthemessiah]

~~ Nicole, 25 she/her ~~

my blog’s a big conglomeration of a lot of feelings, thoughts, interests and, well, this is me trying.

i’m in a relationship, keep everything friendly 🌞

below are my sideblogs — it gets me down bad when i’m blocked bc people don’t know it’s me

• nyxtheprotagonist writing, art, history, weaves etc

• theantitheticaldreamgirl taylorrrr

• flthycherries wlw pining & nsft

• nyxatmidnight multifandom & random dump site

• mh blog related to trauma “______________nyx” not linked for safety; yes, that’s me if you’re looking

[anotheroneofthegaysharks]

Eugene finally finding the sea and standing at the shore in awe and Riley is celebrating with him and congratulating him because you did it! You can finally go home! And it's bittersweet because he WANTS Eugene to be home safe and happy again so so badly but it also pains him to know that he very well may never see his one and only again

And it's no easier for Eugene because sure he loves Riley but that's his life out there. That's his home his family his friends and he can't give all that up JUST for Riley, especially after all the time and effort it took to get here in the first place. He needs to figure out his priorities

Just a big bittersweet trainwreck for the both of them, my favorite hehe

So this could go one of two ways.

Either Eugene leaves, which I personally feel is more likely, and Riley is left alone. He waits at the shore, some days. Most days, actually. Waiting weeks, months, maybe longer for Eugene to come back and visit. Surely, this time, he'll show up.

Or this time.

Maybe this time.

It doesn't take this long because Eugene doesn't care, or that he forgot, though after a while Riley starts to believe it is. Eugene's looking for him too but one he's bad with navigation and two he's a very busy fish (and a very important one if he performs for royalty) and just doesn't have the time to do a proper search

So that's one way it could go. The "bad ending" I guess?? Or

Eugene stays. To Riley it makes no sense. Why would he stay in this stupid pathetic little river with him when he had EVERYTHING back home? He had it good. He did what he loved for huge crowds, he's like. A huge star down there. And he's willing to give that up for Riley??? Some human guy who doesn't have HALF as much as Eugene had. And it doesn't help that Riley sees himself as basically nothing. Why would someone who can have everything choose to have nothing?

But Eugene is, to put it simply, a romantic. And he loves Riley. He loves his laugh, he loves his eyes, he loves his company. He loves him. And he knows Riley loves him back, and he doesn't want to hurt him, and he doesn't want to leave him. It wouldn't be the same without him.

Riley of course refuses to believe this at first but with Eugene being his cheesy charming romantic self he'll get there eventually

That's the "good ending"

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

I discovered your blog a week ago or so (and definitely a few years too late ;__;), read a few posts and quickly fell in love with the way you write your posts (your long essays in particular). I bet there are even more posts I haven't discovered yet, but would love to read. Are there any in particular you recommend? :)

Sorry for such a late reply, but thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoy my posts! As for posts I'd personally recommend, let's see...

For starters, my reviews for Clementine Book One and Book Two. I put a lot of effort into those given I read the comics many, many times in order to give them a fair analysis.

400 Days is simultaneously brilliant and disappointing is another one that I had a lot of fun writing while in the middle of working on another project which still isn't finished but listen it's a lot okay it's gonna be a great post maybe who knows sksksks

This post about why I leave Lee to turn at the end of S1 is a favorite of mine.

My two part Marlon character analysis is another one I put a shit ton of effort into and might be one of my favorite things that I've written for this blog that wasn't a fanfic.

Speaking of favorites, my Two Lukes in S2 conspiracy theory is probably the best thing I've ever written..... I'm only half joking.

There's a disclaimer that comes with this one, but I did a 5 part series on why Both Louis and Violet are Terrific Love Interests. It was written back in 2019 and while I still agree with the main point I tried to make, I think it could've been done better. It's mostly me talking about how other people are dumb for fighting over who is better, Louis or Violet, and then I go on to compare them to other love interests in other games. If I wrote this post now, it would be a lot different.

But while we're talking about ships and Louis, I gotta throw in my Top 5 Reasons I Love Clouis post.

Oh here's a classic :) my Geoff headcanons

Uhhhh.... I can't think of any others off the top of my head, which probably means I'm missing a big one.... look, this blog has 5+ years of content on it, I don't remember everything. But those are some I remember. Again, thanks for the ask and thanks for reading my stuff!

[lostintime-liketearsinrain]

Finishing work, playing some Fallout 4 and sat chilling on my decking starting night one of dog sitting Pip (our family dog). My mum and step-dad (I always feel weird saying that. Guess I could use partner lol. Sorry rambling) have gone away for the weekend for their wedding anniversary. So it’s just me and pip for the weekend! I apologise in advance for the copious amount of doggo pics 🤣🙈