#im at dangerously low levels of energy right now

[catfishofoldin99colours]

something i think i should/could bring up with my therapist so im putting it down here to get the thoughts out now

it’s. incredibly frustrating actually that i can’t organise any part of my life. my ‘organisation’ revolves around categorising and storing my possessions in places that at the time of storing, make sense to keep. but over time, because i don’t engage with those spaces a lot, i forget things are there or the things there go old and aren’t usable anymore (lots of art supplies, food, etc.) and i am back to square one when i come back to them, except this time square one is also covered in dust.

i feel like a solution to this would be to use these possessions and spaces consistently, but... thats the thing, i can’t and i don’t use things consistently. i never have, probably never will, because that requires energy to self-discipline and i have absolutely neither.

this is why ‘adhd tips’ that are literally just ‘oh get a journal/planner/app/corkboard/calender/anything and just organise it so it works for you’ are Utterly Useless because PLANNED ORGANISATION DOESN’T WORK WITH ME. it’s not that i can’t organise stuff or events, or that i can’t plan stuff or events; i can do both! very effectively!! but only ever in the short term.

it’s really frustrating that this is something that affects my entire life. combinations of time blindness, only focusing on the now, impulsivity, unbridled emotions and probably every other adhd trait under the sun means my life is chaos even when its relatively calm. it’s probably why i had such a hard time last year, because the extraneous circumstances around my life were just as chaotic, if not more so, than my internal circumstances, and the chaos was too much for me to bear and manage, and i quickly became exhausted. and what do i do when im exhausted? i hide, and sleep, and turn away from the world because there’s just too much going on and i can’t face it.

damn. i was conflicted about whether to stay in this city or leave, but looking back on everything now... i think i really need quiet and stability to try and return to some sense of normal, or at least a sense i am familiar with and can work with to be ok again.

sigh.

[all-purpose-dish-soap]

im not sure what it ia, but i LOVE the little remora. i love it i love it i lvoe it

it makes me insane id love to groom ghosts scales, and everyone elses scales. i want to clean soap up, even if he see's poor ol remora as a toy to play with, i just wanna scrub them all up!

(i love this already. i love mer's)

the more shark mer Ghost pushes you away the more you wanna take care of him so so bad <3

you find yourself pouting a lot at Ghost’s surly attitude, darting up and down his big scarred body, as he tries to nap. tries to, but can’t.

it has nothing to do with you. he has these bouts of insomnia. but they make his temper real short.

regardless! you insist he needs to let you groom him. it’s been days. you get twitchy when he makes you skip your daily grooming with him. the rituals. the rituals are intricate.

“i’m trying to rest, you little pest,” he growls. "come back later. or not at all."

you tell him (tartly) that he said that yesterday and the day before.

“i meant it then and i mean it now. go away before i decide to chase you off.”

like he would. he hardly exists during the day as anything but a grumpy seafloor log. you swear you’ve seen bottom-feeders start nibbling on him he’s so inert.

(nibbling on him is your job.)

you settle down on the sand next to him on your stomach. you don't touch him yet, but he's just within reach. you stare at his pale, scarred sharkshin with bright eyes, practically vibrating in place.

he can feel your eyes on him. worse—he can feel the impatient flicking of your tail fin agitating the water as you stare at him. how can such a small creature be so terribly full of want, he wonders. your anxious energy is like too much salt in his gills.

“i will bite you," he warns. “i’m not in the mood.”

rationally, you know he doesn't like to be touched sometimes, no matter how you insist he'll feel better once he's clean. and still your anxious mind won't calm down until you're absolutely sure you've made yourself useful.

you lay your palms on the silt, fingers inching silently closer to him.

he growls, low and dangerous. the one that means he’s run out of patience and is about to make good on his threats.

you jolt and flatten yourself against the sand in instinctive submission. you’re not a threat, see? you’re harmless. you’re basically just a little piece of seaweed, c’mon.

your instant compliance does nothing to calm him. if anything, the sight of your immediate surrender drives him to double down.

he grabs you by the by the nape of your neck and lifts you up to eye level. “i warned you not to touch me.”

your stupid little heart leaps because all his attention is on you now. you want to wrap your hands around his eagerly, want to reach out and touch his chest. but you can only get close enough to skim his chest with your clawtips.

the sensation only makes him tense.

you quickly bring your hands in and wring them, trying to stop being a bother. "please can i—"

he glares down at you, teeth bared. “no,” he snaps. cold, firm, immediate.

but the more he tries to repel you, the more desperately you want to please him. to get back into his good graces. you feel every bit the creature full of anxiety and neuroses he thinks you are--always trying to figure out how to feel useful and stay on the other mers' good side.

he can see that in your eyes—the desperate need to be useful. it’s what he hates most about you. he can't stand how compliant you are at this moment. how desperate. how eager you are to please even after he's been nothing but cruel to you.

he squeezes you. your body thrums nervously in his grip.

“you little parasite. what part of ‘don’t touch me’ is so hard for you to understand?”

all of it. you stare up at him with big, blank eyes.

“you can't get the simplest instructions through your thick skull, can you?"

you shake your head (kind of, best you can) in his grip as a shameless display of agreement. he’s right, you’re stupid. so stupid.

Ghost scowls. eager, willing to degrade yourself at the smallest fucking thing.

"don't tell me you're getting off on this.”

okay! you won’t.

at that, you see the look in his eye shift from anger to something more devious. your response is so quick and willing that he can't help but smirk.

of course. of course you’d comply. no matter how hard he pushes, how cruel he is, you simply ask for worse. you're a little masochist. a nuisance. worse, you’re his nuisance. you insist on being around him, on seeking him out every bloody day.

he tolerates your presence. that's more than anyone else gets. and you take the precious little patience he gives you and wear it threadbare??

he can’t abide that. he can’t let your audacity go unchecked.

"look at you," he hisses. "eager to debase yourself at the first sign of anger. don't you think that's just pathetic?"

you nod enthusiastically.

mindless creature. willing to let him treat you any way he wants if it means attention. pitiful.

"say it," he growls.

you do. you happily tell him you’re pathetic.

“that you are. finally, something sensible out of that pretty mouth.”

you’re wired—fucking blitzed at the mere implication of good girl in his tone.

“and you're my little parasite. mine to do with as i please."

your whole body wants to curl in delight, your tail twisting like an eel in the sand below you as he eases you onto your back.

his eyes rake over you. you are the picture of obedience and submission, all pinned down and ready.

“look at you,” he rasps. “so desperate to please me. you’d do anything i tell you right now, yeah?”

yes. yes. anything.

he leans in and puts his mouth to your ear. "then let me sleep."

then he’s gone.

you lay in the sand in blank, sexually charged confusion.

by the time you slap your tail into the sand to twist yourself up into the water, half-flustered and hot-tempered, you see the ends of Ghost’s chewed-up tailfins disappear into his favorite dark cave.

before you can give chase, the familiar shape of Soap passes overhead, and he's chuckling as he dives down to you.

Soap’s grin widens as he watches your face cycle through frustration, confusion, and irritation.

you can’t believe Ghost would do that to you.

“of course he’d do it,” Soap says. he saw the whole thing.

you bluster and he coos a little teasing sympathy at you, ushering you up into his arms instead. poor wee cuttlefish, he calls you. lays it on thick because he knows you're looking for a place to expend all that pent up energy now.

he whisks you away somewhere more private so you can tend to him instead. groom him all you want. tell him your troubles. maybe let him make good use of your compliant nature. he tells you it’s a good way to make Ghost jealous.

meanwhile, Ghost is finally able to snooze contentedly, dreaming of you, maybe. he does owe you a little thanks for that small catharsis you gave him.

...

more mer au / more Ghost / masterlist tag

[madpunks]

i need medical professionals to understand that medical negligence kills.

i am in involved with my medical care- i have to attend therapy, see a psychatric medication manager, a primary care doctor, physical therapists, and a gender affirming care specialist. i am seen by a lot of doctors and have been in a lot of different medical settings. lately i have hit a rough patch where i cannot seem to have my situation taken seriously

my blood pressure has been so high, for months now, that i was within stroke and cardiac event territory several times. my doctors ping-ponged me between one another- i was prescribed blood pressure meds when i stayed in the psych ward in july. then my psych nurse refilled them, but told me my primary care doctor must be the one to refill them, because she doesn't know anything about bp meds. i asked my pcp, she told me "have your other doctor fill them out, then, since you had them filled over there before."

it took me months to get my life saving medications back. i cried in front of a receptionist at a later appointment where i was told the provider could not see me for our scheduled appointment time that day because "i hadn't filled out the paperwork". they never sent or told me about paperwork. they took my blood pressure after i explained my frustration and booked me for an emergency appointment with a pcp the next business day. but it took until i cried and my blood pressure was dangerously high from stress for someone to care.

i finally have it, now, but i am also fighting for my psychiatric medications as well. the psychiatric meds manager i mentioned above went on maternity leave and someone filled in for her. this doctor didn't know me. he asked me many questions, but never waited for my answers. he spoke over me, told me some of my diagnoses were wrong/misdiagnosed me, and took me off of several of my vital medications. he stopped my bipolar mood stabilizer because he said it didn't help with bipolar mania- he never asked if i was needing help with mania, depression, or mixed episodes. he just assumed.

he also stopped my seroquel- i am a schizoaffective person- because he didn't like the dose i was at, but because i am fat, he said i needed to be on the antipsychotic that was the least likely to put weight on me. he put me back on risperidone. i had been on it in the past. it caused me severe depression. he didn't ask what it did to me. he just put me back on it without question. i haven't touched those damn pills since i got them from the pharmacy. i am already severely depressed as is, i can't even fathom.

while i was discussing a personal event that happened in my life that affected me, my therapist earlier today asked me "why are you letting something so insignificant have power over you? why would something like that make you suicidal? why are you letting this person have power over you" i had finally lost my patience with her, and i snapped, and told her why i was justified in feeling so unwell. i gave her the context of my situation, and didn't back down. i'm firing her next session. later on, my case worker informed me that's victim blaming, and that it was not okay for her to minimize my issues or make me feel like i in some way made my feelings happen of my own free will. i felt so incensed i had to do something about it.

i can't really sleep at night right now. i can't focus, my energy levels are all over and my depression is ruling my life. im struggling with invasive thoughts and horrible painful suicidal lows. i need people to understand that this type of medical negligence can kill. any of this could've killed me at any point. this is not acceptable. this is what american mentally ill people in care deal with. please understand that this is not how anyone should have to live.

[incorrect-mha-bnha]

Can you post more on your feral Midoriya idea? Or even what its like to have 20 feral and traumatized children living together in one place under the watchful eyes on Mr "Im too tired to deal with my own mental breakdowns"?

Oh totally can dish a few things out. It will also dabble into the AU I made of Aizawa adopting Bakugo and Shinsou with Midoriya around a lot so let’s get into it.

Bakugo is not as bad in the morning compared to Izuku. Bakugo will bitch, grumping about it being cold because his body hasn’t fully woken up. Bakugo is only a morning person on his own accord. If he is woken up before 7 then his mind isn’t functioning until an hour later but anytime after 7 is safe. Midoriya however is like the spawn of hell himself with a stone in his shoe and chipping away patience. He refuses to get up before 10 on weekends. He stays up late most nights to train and that leaves him tired. He’s NOT a morning person in fact if you even tried to wake up Izuku before his self appointed alarm then his eyes are burning hateful slits, turning towards you slowly uttering a very low and strained “get. out.” Nobody likes waking him up.

Midoriya is NOT the type of have breakfast. He goes straight for coffee that Shinso made. He snatches it from the boys hand and starts drinking while Shinso is just staring in despair. Then Izuku hands it back, says thanks and leaves.

Shinsou obviously can’t sleep but he’s a night owl and takes it like a champ. At that point he’s been drained of all the energy to be agitated over not being able to sleep right. Some day it’s like a clock in and out for him and Aizawa. He comes downstairs, saying morning to Shinso, Shinso says night and heads upstairs to sleep.

Midoriya plays loud music at night when he’s really in the zone of training and working on stuff. Shinsou could care less and Bakugo learned to sleep through it.

Bakugo and Izuku instigate each other terribly and Aizawa knows it with ever growing grey hair. Bakugo will get hyped up on something and here comes Midoriya as the one who will take it a step further because he knows no bounds. If they are ever in an altercation, Bakugo will start swearing getting ready to fight but Izuku comes through to throw the first punch.

Midoriya has a tolerance level for everyone. I’d rate it as follows: classmates— 70%, Bakugo— varies but usually ranges around a nice 50%-0%, villains— 3%, villains who hurt kids— -194738384%.

Aizawa has grown to recognize when Izuku is about to snap so he can redirect the boy and save them all from casualties. I believe Izuku would take down an entire building while fighting a villain. However, it’s different to Bakugo consciously taking down buildings because he simply doesn’t care about destruction.. Izuku is dead set on bringing the villain down to the point he goes terminal.

Midoriya is on the edge of going crazy every second that passes. You can see it in his eyes, how they slowly grow fainter and tired. He isn’t necessarily losing his spark or drive.. the look hold experience and resolve. Also Murder.

Izuku is usually tense on any day but once he’s completely snapped all tension leaves his body and the boy kinda just tilts his head and squints.

Aizawa isnt too worried about them not behaving. They know well enough to not die nor murder... or so Izuku swears to comprehend. Yet there is always a chance of them forgetting and going off on their little adventures. Whether they be dangerous or just dumb teenage shit.

^ For example. Izuku had a sudden intense craving for ice cream at 3 am and broke out of sleep in a cold sweat. He gets up, goes downstairs and stands over Shinso who is laying upside on the couch and says nothing, just stares. Shinso looks at him and asks “what’s up?” with “ice cream. Store?” As an answer. To which Shinso of course pauses then nods and gets up. Now onto the next challenge; getting a driver. There are two in the house currently, one is sleeping and definitely will say no. And the other is convincible. So there they are standing over Bakugo in bed. The two boys share a look before shrugging and Izuku smacks him awake, not flinching as he swears and sets off tiny explosions.

Bakugo, half asleep: *holding his cheek* you asshole, what the fuck?

Izuku: *leaning practically in his face* drive us to the store. I desire ice cream.

Bakugo: *looks at time* it’s 3 in the goddamn morning, fuck no.

Izuku: *leans closer* if you don’t drive us to the store right now I’m going to tell everyone about the time when you cried yourself to sleep every night during middle school after that one incident.

Bakugo: *stares*

Izuku: *stares back*

Bakugo: get my keys.

Then there are three teenage boys, one half asleep and the other two bouncing off the walls in the ice cream section picking out flavors and toppings. And yes they were successful in leaving then arriving home but Aizawa was waiting for them in the living room with his arms crossed and foot tapping in disappointment. They got in deep shit that night but Izuku got off with just a reprimand after revealing he had gotten Aizawa’s favorite ice cream while they were out. Bakugo and Shinsou however were grounded.

[quirklessidiot]

Title: first meetings [ii. the small pink-haired boy] Genre: just angst, drama, romance, historical fiction Pairing: Sorcerer!Sukuna x gn!sorcerer!reader (heian era; pre-curse sukuna)

Synopsis: in which you befriend the slave boy you’re supposed to spy on.

Warnings: not canon stuff, future dark themes,, smoll manga spoilers, slavery, whipping, mentions of rape, language and violence Notes: im kinda back i guess skksks also these are pretty much random au’s of my own take of sukuna’s back story uwu, theyre arranged in no particular order and you can read them in any order. This started out as a random one shot and i couldnt get it out of my head lol ksksksks, def not canon btw but it is canon that sukuna used to be an all powerful sorcerer before he turned to the dark side or smthng.

lil dictionary: non-person-  usually what they called slaves during the heian era.

masterlist [for other parts] ;; taglist 

“That’s beautiful.”

Contrasting to your rather clean and prestigious appearance, the young boy was dressed in rags and had dirt painted on his face. You could tell by his uncommon red eyes that he didn’t want you here nor did he even want to be associated with you.

“...the boy is rather prideful.” your otosan recounted a few nights before, you’d usually have conversations like this since you were quite close with him and he did like to confide you with these things,“but he has spirit, he’d be good for a ward.”

“What are you doing here?” He spat, being a part of and the sole heir of your family meant you were also treated with dignity and respect, it seemed like this boy wasn’t afraid of anything or anyone, this made you grin wildly much to his disdain, “Oi, stop grinning like that. You’re creeping me the fuck out.”

“I’m Y/N.”

“And I don’t care.” 

“Has anyone told you that you’ve got quite the temper?”

“Well, has anyone told you that you’re being an annoying bitch?” he bit back, five minutes into your first meeting, this strange boy seemed to want to get furthest away from you. He seemed to be rather ignorant to his overflowing cursed energy, your father was right, this boy was definitely no joke. 

“That’s sad.” You pouted, “All I wanted to say was how beautiful that Kimono is.”

“I was at a store, looking for some clothes that best suited you when I saw a young boy of your age…” your otosan narrated, “Who had a rather high cursed energy, he seemed unaware with it. He works as an errand boy, I believe, he carries heavy clothes and silk… His looks are hard to miss Y/N, so I’m sure you won’t miss him...try to talk to him…”

The boy looks up to you, completely annoyed, “Well, you said it. Now fuck off, yeah?”

You chose to ignore him and just bend down to his level, you had no training for today so you might as well join the boy for a moment since you had time to kill, “You know, if you keep keeping that attitude up, you might scare the customers away.” you mumbled, loud enough for him to hear.

“Yeah?” he clicked his tongue, “Looks to me that you aren’t even here to buy anything.”

“He seemed rather…” Your otosan described, “perplexed...so you might as well go in my stead…”

“Ah.” your grin doesn’t seem to fade despite his rather rough way of speaking, “You just seemed around my age so I got interested.”

“No shit, now buzz off. I got no time for kids like you.”

He talks as if he was older than you, it’s no surprise. Boys like him tend to think they know quite a lot.

“Do you wish to tell me your name now?”

He was silent for a moment.

That’s when realization dawned upon you, why he seemed perplexed around your otosan, why he thinks you were an annoying buzz, and why he couldn’t reply when you asked for his name. You feel yourself inwardly cringe at your mistake, it seems like the boy your father took interest in is a slave with no name, “Twenty.” he mumbles, shrugging nonchalantly.

“What?”

“They call me twenty.” he recounts, his voice is still rough around the edges, remaining uncensored by his identity.

“Right…” you tilt your head, “Twenty…”

“You’ve got silks to bring to the next town, boy!” a loud voice calls out, cutting you short, making the pink-haired boy put the pretty kimono down and back for display. Without even sparing you a glance or a word, he retreats to the back and you’re left squatting there alone. You watch him from behind, specifically at the bandages that peeked through his wrists.

The boy had piqued your interest to the point that you made it your weekly agenda to visit him and a-some-nights agenda to watch over him. He still ignores you and seems to be annoyed by you every time but he doesn’t seem to be doing anything about it so you just sit there. 

You were also still in awe by how much raw energy he possessed, you’d ask your otosan if he knew any sorcerers with lost children because it surely seemed as if this boy wasn’t ordinary.

“Just keep an eye on him,” was all your father said as you watch the boy close up shop late at night from on top of a roof, “He might make a great sorcerer and shift the tides.”

Your otosan was not one for gambling on people but it seemed like he made a large bet on this boy. 

As usual, you’re watching over him close up. It’s late and the owner of the place walks out, a pipe on his lips. Right then and there, he slaps the pink-haired teenager right at the face, “You should’ve joined the customer awhile ago in the dressing room, boy.” he growls, “It would’ve been quick…”

You feel the negative energy emit stronger than ever and your grip on your knife is tight, “Don’t get involved, Y/N.” your otosan’s warning echoes in your head, yes your otosan may have been interested in him but he was never one to dwell in human affairs, saying they were annoying and a mess to clean up.

“...It seems like the lesson a few nights ago wasn’t enough.” you snap back to reality and watch his boss stretch out a whip with its pointy ends and you feel your blood run cold. 

‘Don’t get involved-’

You ignore your otosan’s words in your head and throw a stone right at a nearby sign, resulting in a booming clang, making the cat nearby yelp outloud. The pink-haired boy jumps on the spot and so does the older man at the sound.

“Ah fucking-” the older man curses, tucking the whip back in, “No food for you for three days. Know your fucking worth, non-person.”

Your grip on your nodachi lessens as you let out a sigh of relief, whatever legal terms your father must be talking about needs to be done quickly.

On the next day, you’re on your way to visit him again. Carrying the bento box that you know he’ll refuse again because of his ‘pride’ yet you stop dead on your tracks when you find his owner and an older man talking, Sukuna seems to be standing behind them, looking quite uncomfortable.

It didn’t take two and two to guess what was going on, the amount of cursed energy leaking on him was strong so you could only guess this was the man who wanted to get his way on him yesterday. Your nose crinkles in absolute disgust, “Don’t get involved-”

Once again, you ignore your otosan’s words.

“Hey!” You call out, you see his red eyes widen, “What are you doing?”

The older man frowns at your sudden appearance, “None of your business brat. Now go home-”

“I said,” You repeated, your voice dangerously low, “What are you doing to him?”

“He’s a non-person, kid.” his ‘owner’ growls, you notice his hands dangerously close to his whip, “A fucking slave in simpler terms, now get the fuck out before I beat him and you.”

“You don’t scare me.” Your eyes are narrowed, truthfully, no one ever scares you. You were the heir of your clan. It was to be expected and drilled since your curse energy manifested when you were five that fear would come last, “Now unhand the boy.”

“This bitch-”

“Now, now.” The other man smiles, cutting the pink-haired boy’s ‘owner’ off,  “Maybe I can take that young child with me too. After all, they seem to be good friends. Two is better than one…”

You watch the other older man snake an arm on the young boy’s shoulder and you could feel the fear leaking out, it was harder to mask and hide now. 

“Is it alright to put a little scar on’em? So that they’d know-” He gets ready to take out the whip while your fists are clenched, this would be easy. You could get away with this later, at least you’d take the boy away from this place and help him control his energy after. 

Yet before you’re able to land a blow, the pink-haired boy yells at you to move as his ‘owner’ takes out a whip to whip you.

For someone who didn’t seem to like your presence, he was rather quick to defend you, having his face get hit in the process by the sharp whip. Your eyes widen in surprise, “Ah, shit… Y/N, run!” he yells but you’re staring at his very bloody face.

It would obviously leave marks like the wrists and who knows which parts since he was always covered by that very loose raggedy kimono.

You clench your fists tightly and look up from his blood features, the ‘owner’ stops on his tracks when he meets your very cold gaze, “Do you know who you just messed with?” you asked, “You really think I won’t tell my otosan that you planned to make me your prostitute?”

“Y-Y/N, jesus christ just fucking run-” he tried to stutter out, any evidence of the prideful and strong boy who tried to shoo you away was now gone.

Yet like the stubborn child you are, you ignore him and instead take out your family seal and drop it in front of them, ignoring the pink-haired boy’s plea’s and watching the two men in front of you turn white as a ghost as they see the nameplate, “My name is Ryomen Y/N.” You stated, voice loud and clear, “And you better hope that I’ll let you out here dead or me and my otosan will hunt you down for the rest of your life.”

taglist [if your name is crossed out, i cant tag you!] @shinhiromi ;; @hcn421 ;; @airybnb ;; @coldbookworm ;; @kristineyoshaii ;; @frankenstein852​

@iguessimastannnow

[quarantineddreamer]

i’ve been absent, and i can’t be sorry (it’s been necessary), but i do miss this community and having the energy/time to participate.

in truth, it’s been a challenging past few months for me...

don’t want to bore anyone, so details below (tw: depression, anxiety, parental troubles, covid)

i was really fortunate to be really close to my family growing up. i had a great relationship with my parents. which is why it has been that much more painful for me this past year to have them slowly driven from me by the absurdity of current politics. i didn’t see it coming, i didn’t think my parents could become science deniers. and yet here i am...

i tried with everything i had to teach/reach them, but ultimately the stress of it all was causing my anxiety to reach extremely unhealthy levels. for my own health and sanity, i wrote them a long, heartfelt letter explaining why i would not be talking to them for the time being (as they refused to get vaccinated and began to behave dangerously, no masks, frequent outings, seeing lots of people). that was july. 

august my parents visited my hometown. i did not see them or speak to them. my birthday passed, i did not see them or speak to them... 

i spoke with my mother once, in september...and it’s all still just as bad. there was shouting, cursing, crying (mostly me tbh). she’s stubbornly clinging to her beliefs drilled into her by right-wing media. i wont get into them, but it’s conspiracy level bad... she got covid, she kept it from me and my brother until afterwards. miraculously she was okay despite taking “medicine” that has been proven to be ineffective against covid and potentially dangerous while sick to boot... it’s made her even more determined to cling to her insane theories about the vaccine, covid treatments, the government all of it... 

i told her my life would continue without her and dad: i might get engaged (probably would have on my anniversary except my partner felt bad i wasnt talking to them at the time), married, who knows... covid isn’t going away anytime soon, and i cant agree to disagree with her on this. it matters too much to me that they be safe. if i let it go and something were to happen to her and my dad...i’d never forgive myself for it. 

i’m not saying mine is the correct approach. i have been plagued with doubt and guilt off and on. my mom has used language that makes me feel like this is all my fault, for being anxious, for being depressed, for not just letting her have her dangerous opinions... but at the end of the day despite the pain and grief i feel for not having my parents right now, i am still better off than i was before. fewer panic attacks, able to focus at work, able to at least sleep some now. 

i started anti-depressants when my mental health hit an all-time low during all of this, and they’ve been helping too. i really didn’t want to get back on them, but i believe they’ve saved my life. 

sadly, between all this (and busy times at work) i’ve had very little time, focus, or motivation to write. i’ve barely been on here. to be completely honest, naps after work are common. the extra rest has become important. i’ve developed a sudden interest in true crime documentaries and sad movies?? i was very confused by this at first, since i’ve never ever had an interest before, but my therapist says its how im processing my trauma and grief lol 

but why write all this out on tumblr, B? well... i like to scream into the abyss here, and i also want to be completely open about my struggles and mental health, because i was at my worst when i felt utterly alone, and if this post helps even one person who might be experiencing similar feel less alone than it’s worth it.

and i also wanted to let this community know why i’ve suddenly dropped off because it is a place that has brought my joy even during the chaos of the past year or so. i am going to be participating in the upcoming zkmbb and still have my other projects ready and waiting for me to return, but for now, the queue is going to be up and running and i’ll be a bit quieter as i fight my way through this and have to dedicate extra time to self-care.

i hope no one relates to this post, i really do, because it all hurts a lot and i dont want anyone to feel this pain, but if you do? you are a warrior, i admire your strength and courage --and i am sending you so much love.

best wishes all,

B

[rayblaine107]

Part three because I cannot stop.

Also disclaimer on this one. I’m going to be going through some symptoms of bipolar mixed episodes. And some of the medications that some psychiatrists treat them with. I projecting a lot in this. But doing things like this is a coping mechanism and I really can’t fight it.

Again sorry for any errors. May hands are honestly moving to fast for my brain right now.

part 2

You were currently in your room again, this time crocheting a little doll of yourself. Last night Tamaki had taken you out of the room for the first time to show you the room he had dedicated to you, his own shrine of you, the room seemed to be divided in half, on one side the has things dedicated to you and the other was a recreation of the shrine you once had in your own room. The blanket you made was big enough to be a backdrop for both shrines so it was hanging behind them. You had flushed so hard your cheeks had began to burn. Tamaki only smiled sickeningly, but somehow gentle at the same time.

“Oh darling you don’t know happy it made me to see you love me just as I love you. I’m sorry though that I haven’t let you out of our room. I just have to be sure you won’t run first.” He slowly kissed your temple before showing you your phone. “Now I know you’ve been running low on your medications, after all I have been the one to give them to you. And you have an appointment tomorrow with your psychiatrist.” You nod slowly in confirmation. “I don’t want you to feel any worse than you do, and I’m so glad you have video appointments or this would be tricky. I can’t take you out just yet. But tomorrow I’m going to give you your phone so you can have your appointment and refill your medications. But I’m going to be in the room with you, out of sight, but there” the indigo eyed man slowly pulled you into a short lived hug. Knowing physical contact right now wasn’t what you really wanted or needed. You had that conversation after you snapped at him from holding you too long at one point. Prolonged contact, that’s something you have to initiate right now. Pulling away he looked sternly into your eyes. “I want you to be honest about how you’re feeling.” He caressed your cheek again. “I adore you so so so much nothing you could say would make me no longer love or want you my butterfly. “ he stepped away to give you space before interlocking his pinky with yours. A compromise to how much physical contact you could tolerate and how much he ached for you. “You’ve been feeling unwell for over two months now, and they need to know if changing your medications might be an option.” You slowly nod in agreement. You’re so tired of feeling like this anyway. Smiling softly he leads you back to your room.

As of now you have your phone set up on a table Tamaki had brought in across from the bed, currently checking the screen for when your psychiatrist would log in. Tamaki was sitting in one of the chairs that inhabited the room off in the corner out of sight as he watched you closely. He wanted to trust you, he really did. But not only were you unpredictable right now, he had to be absolutely sure you wouldn’t try to leave. He’s no stranger to anxiety, he’s planned out so many different scenarios inside his head, so many contingency plans. But there could always be something he hadn’t accounted for. Sure seeing your shrine was a absolutely wonderful suprise. It eased so many doubts he had about the situation. It took all his self control when he saw in to not let out moan and cream his pants. But he had to take you home with him. There was no time to induge himself. You needed to come home, to be safe. So now he watched and waited. You didn’t seem to mind. Everyday he brought you new materials for you to work with, though he refused to give you anything sharp, just in case.

“Hello Y/N how are you?” You looked up from your project towards your phone. On the screen was your psychiatrist, smiling at you. Glancing behind the phone you watch Tamaki give you a small smile and nod.

“If I’m be honest not good.” You respond. The psychiatrist nods and begins typing on their computer.

“Can you tell be what’s been going on lately?” You let out a frustrated sigh.

“I’ve been going through another mixed episode. It’s been two months since it started.” They look up at you.

“What kind of symptoms have you been having?”

“What I normally do. I’m irritated at everything and nothing. I’ve got way too much energy, it’s so hard sleep. It’s making me pace the room and it’s hard to keep still. You told me I could take more of the Seroquel I’m on if I’m feeling too irritated or can’t sleep. So I am. Im trying to cope by figuring something to obsess on and right now that’s crocheting. I’m hearing things even though I’m the only time in the room.” You being to rub your arm a little aggressively.

“Can you tell me what those noises are? Are you hearing voices?” You sigh and grip your arm in attempt to stop the rubbing.

“Both, but the voices are like hearing a conversation from a different room. It’s muffled and I can’t tell what they’re saying.”

“Mhmm. And do they sound like they’ve coming from inside your head or outside?”

“Both, I’m aware of the intrusive thought are inside by head but the other voices sound like they’re outside.”

“Why do those thoughts consist of?” You bite your lip and close your eyes for a second.

“Pretty random for the most part but there are some that I would consider dangerous. And they’re there before I can even process it and make me pause in what I’m doing. I’m always thinking that I don’t really want to do those things and I haven’t acted on them.” They nod as they begins typing more, you risk a glance at Tamaki and he looks devastated. He told you to be honest.

“Do you have to urge to act on them?” You sigh.

“At first but I recognize that I don’t really want to.” They nod before pausing.

“I think we’re going to increase your dose of Seroquel, and lurasidone. That might help, lurasidone is helpful for both depressive episodes and mixed episodes. You are on a relatively high done of that so we can only increase it to its max. This might only be temporary though. As for seroquel I’d like you to increase the dose by 50mg. I’ll have to send in new prescriptions for those. Also we haven’t checked your lithium level in three months, I’d like to get a check on that to see if it hasn’t dropped.” You nod as you listen at her type away. “Is there anything else I should know of?” You shrug.

“I mean I’ve been having serious food cravings, mainly sugar. And I’ve been getting migraines again.” They hum once more.

“I wouldn’t worry about the food cravings and migraines aren’t too uncommon.” You nod once more as they finish typing up.

“Okay so I’m going to put in for these new prescriptions and an order for a new lithium level check. Can you get over to the hospital relatively soon to get it checked?” You bite your lip and check with Tamaki. He gives a hestitant nod.

“Yeah I’ll make it work.” They nod and look at you.

“I think you’re doing good with what you have. I’m not too worried that you’ll do something, you’ve always been good at using distractions to help with that and you’re one of my best patients when it comes to managing your medications. Do you have anyone you could call though if things do get too bad? I know you’re estranged from your family.” You bite your lip once more.

“Yeah, I’m actually staying with them right now. They got worried about me.” Tamaki looks shocked but happy. You psychiatrist nods and smiles.

“That’s good. Is there anything else?” You shake your head. “Well if that’s it I’ll set up for an appointment in three months. Once I get your results back I’ll email you whether or not we make any changes to your lithium. Is that good?” You nod. “Okay, then I’ll see you soon l.” They hang up. You let out a huge sigh of frustration as you throw yourself back onto the bed, groaning loudly as you cover your face. Tamaki gently moves the table to the side and sits right next to you, bringing his hand up to use his thumb to caress the back of your hand.

“Thank you for being honest. I wish I wish I had known about the voices earlier though. Why didn’t you tell me?” You bite your lip and turn away from him. His ears droop in sorrow.

“I don’t t trust you completely yet either you know? It’s hard to. You say you know everything then you know how hard that is for me. Even though I have liked you for a while.” You sigh and curl into yourself. Tamaki let’s out a whimper before laying beside you hestitating to touch you before settling on your shoulder.

“Then I’ll make you trust me. You are everything to me. Nothing matters more than you. I live and breathe for you. You need time. That’s okay. I know you love me, I know you do. I can be patient if it’s for you.” You turn to face him and you’ve got tears gathered in the corners of your eyes. Tamaki smiles and wipes them away. “About that blood test, I’m not sure I can let you go but Hado does know some people who work in the hospital. So I’m sure we can work something out. You nod before sitting up and rubbing your arm again. “You need to move?” You nod and stand up. “I’ll get your something to eat. How about a smoothie? That’s sweet enough?” You turn to look at him before you start to pace. Smiling softly Tamaki locks the door behind him to get your smoothie

[huntsman-ash]

RWBY V8E5 LiveThoughts

And now for the last episode before the HUGE break they’re taking. Seriously, February? Damn, whats going on at RT?

It matters not. Lets see what this weeks episode has for us.

And here we see Aminety Colloseum, the place that Atlas SHOULD have weaponized the moment it rolled its way back here. Seriously look at it; floating free away from everything else...you could mount missile launchers and laser batteries and CIWS batteries on it, launch fighters from it, let dropships deploy through its base...a floating aircraft carrier of unprecidented size.

Or maybe turn it into a weapon...use its drive system to focus Dust energy into some kind of gravitational force...thats just me though.

Missed oppertunites...ah well.

You CAN see its been adjusted though, it looks less like the sports arena from its last apperance and more like a floating coms hub, with those dishes on the outside and the huge spire.

Intersetingly if you look in the upper right corner the moon is there but almost completely covered by the storm Salem summoned. Interesting.

Wait why is PEITRO out there? With like...no supports? Seems kinda dangerous to send the weak old dude out there...

...thats a bomb. A Dust bomb in pipe bomb style form but thats very much a bomb.  Yes, Penny, danger indeed.

Atmospheric orbit. Ahhh that must be the low-level orbit path that they need to ensure it doesnt loose power. The part where you coast along with almost no drag.  Like what the X-15 hit in our world, and punched through at least once.

WAIT WHAT THE HELL IS THAT. Thats some kind of loader mech. THATS A FUCKING UTILITY TITAN. WHEN DID ATLAS GET ONE OF THOSE?!

Also thats a jet engine.

And Maria’s piloting it. To quote Daimon Baird; I know wha thappens when you let an angry chick loose with a power loader.

Multiple bombs...wait. Thats the mine that RWBY fought in with the Aces, the one that almost blew the fuck up. They’re... Oh. I get it now. They’re gonna use the blast to fling Amneity into upper orbit and stabalize it. Clever. Not exactly SAFE, but clever. Just hope the mine doesnt go anywhere important. Those tunnels are going to turn into firestorms.

Cute, she thinks she can stay and help. Trust me, Penny. You’re better off running.

MARIA CASUALLY DOING THE MEXICAN GRANDMOTHER THING WITH HER MECH...THE HIP HAND. MY GOD.

Oh, and his chair has gravity restraints too. They...gonna handle the impact of the launch? I mean thats literally a fuel/air bomb under them. Dust/air...

Well Maria seems alright with it.

OH GOD DAMMIT. Its Cinder isnt it? Fucking bitch...

On the positive side if she DOES hitch a ride then they get a chance to give her the ol’ “Long fall special”.  Lets see your maiden powers save you from a fall from near orbit.

Well then, she burned right through the floor. Interesting. Maiden powers or her own, who knows...I do admit seeing her ride the ship in like that is kinda cool.

The eagerness in Cinders remaining eye interest me. Also, even when using maiden powers, her dead eye emits nothing. So that whole parts just gone. 

Secondary note, I think they’re standing on the...Shade emblem? Shade is the swords I think. Vale is the axes, Atlas is the staff, Havens the lamp. Doubt it means anything.

Ahhh, okay I was gonna say, that launch was...kinda lackluster. But the blast is being used as a BOOST on top of the four existing external thrusters. Like the yellow emergency turbines on the outside of the Pillar of Autumn in the end cutscene of Halo Reach

Dust explodes in its own individual colors. The blast under them looks like a Pride festival.

Also Penny just going WHAP like that amuses me, whereas Cinder just crouches. Guess she knew what was coming.

I dont see how the blast is helping through...maybe its the pressure wave and we cant see it right.

Now THAT is a command and control table!

Based on the image I can see, the map is showing “Atlas Mantle” in the middle in green, Aminety in red to the north, and the whale as its own red marker just off to the west a bit of Atlas/Mantle. So now we know where everything is stationed.

The scales all kindsa weird tho

Ah THERES the G-force. Emeralds literally stuck to the floor.

And because Cinders an unoriginal bitch, fire swords. Im not impressed ot say the least.  On a side note that DOES mean that radiobandit was right about her powers, so theres that. I’d wager this is a combination of her semblance and the maiden abilities.

For those who follow me, Cinder’s blades here are similar in look to what Ash Vulcan can summon, minus the fire. His are more of a cooled obsidian look.  They are, however, as sharp as these are, but much less sturdy. Ex; the one that pins itself to the wall by Penny’s head would have shattered on impact, which Ash uses as a secondary ability. Because no one likes a hundred glass shards in their eyes...

OH HELL YES. Maria with the mech. Now, Cinder...TASTE METAL FIST.

RT...I salute you. Angry mother figure piloting a giant robot screaming “get away from her you bitch”. ALMOST had it. Almost.

What smacked into her though. Neo?

Yes, Neo piloting their escape craft. Interseting.

Emerald looks completely useless and confused and Neo is suddenly very much in a realization shes inside a tin can and MARIA IS OPERATING A GIANT TIN CAN OPENER

Emeralds semblance works on Maria. Interseting, so it must bypass eyes. Effect the brain specifically. Note to self for Chrys on that...

WHY did Neo take Ruby’s form when shes fighting Maria? On that Maria seems very happy to brawl on the ground now. Old habits die hard, I guess.

Additional math note; “broadcasting range” is, by this numerical, 543.523 of...whatever Remnant uses as units. On Earth, the edge of outerspace is almost exactly 100 km, or 62 miles, straight up. So going by that measurement... (Doing the math here hang on)...1 km is equal to 5.43 of Remnants distance units. Lets just say 5.5. Assuming Remnants edge is the same (but everything we’ve seen so far hints that it is, or at least very close)

Alternatively, since we heard klicks used in V4, but miles used in After The Fall, we can assume this is one of those, meaning that either broadcast altitude on Remnant is ABSURDLY HIGH, because 500km is literally 5 times the edge of space on earth, and 540 miles is ALMOST 9 TIMES AS HIGH. Either way Im pretty sure this is the first measurement of Remnants units we’ve seen.

Alternatively alternatively, judging by the arrows we see, these might be required velocity to maintain orbit, which MAY make a bit more sense but it doesnt really fit. Low orbital velocity on earth for example is 17,000 KPH. Even with the math above, theres still a TITANIC difference.

And now we see the numvers going down again because CINDER BURNED A HOLE IN THROUGH ONE OF THE STABALIZERS. Bitch.

Again on th e weaponizing the colleseum; look at all this empty space. They didnt even remove it from when it was a consorse for the festival. You could put SO MANY weapon emplacements...the landing pads are still there!

Oh so now Cinders a Dawnblade from RWBY is she.

And exploding arrows too. Alright then, sure, why not.

Not sure what the point of this little bit was, aside from Penny trying to draw Cinder off and Cinder going back because...evil? Bait for Penny? Who knows. 

Oh yeah, Marias having a GOOD time. Also, Neos face when she gets kicked in it; “NO, NOT THE SANDEL!”

Also the disrespect from Maria. Yes. Suck it, Neo.

Also theres some timeskippage, as there is NOT a 2 minute gap between when we see the clock the first time and when we see it now. I dont think, anyway. Im sure theres math to be done but it serves the purpose its suppose to, for tension.

Uhhhh...Cinder, please. Your Salem’s most bottom of bitches right now. She favors Hazel and Tyrian over you.

Did Cinder really just try for a does not compute moment. Or is she just out of ideas.

Cinder stealing the maiden powers reminds me of the Grip of the Devourer perk from the Necromatic Grips in Destiny 2. Mainly the green energy flowing. I know thats Pennys aura stuff but it does remind me.

Ahhh they got a plan with Emerald then. Interesting. Also Neo taking advantage of a distraction sounds like her. 

And Penny ONESHOTS Neo. Lets be real here, without aura? She’d be LIQUID. Or maybe ash. Not sure how Penny’s funnels (THEYRE STILL FUCKING FUNNELS DAMMIT) works.

Annnnddd you forgot shes a robot and sees aura didn’t you.  Again, without aura, she’d be dead. Actually, she might legit be dead considering that scream. That sounds like the noise someone makes as their organs are fried by high intensity radiation. Not too mention the MASSIVE BURN MARK on the back wall there.

Either way; GET FUCKED BITCH.

Very dramatic, Emerald, but really, come on. Penny has lasers. You would get maybe one more shot (from a weapon that has, at best from my viewpoint) a caliber equal to MAYBE a 9mm pistol. That stuff doesnt have the penetration power required.

If Penny wasn’t nice and more interested in saving Peitro...you’d be dead. Ripped asunder and Cinder made even worse. 

A pity, really, Penny has a heart. But...hey. Real girl.

I feed upon Emeralds tears though. Mmm. Simpy.

What the HELL is hitting them. Grimm?

Oh boy here we go, more of this. Like...bruh. Just set down for a bit. Always gotta be dramatic dont ya

Aww. Touching. But pointless in the grand scheme of things.

Interesting note but she puts her gloved hand on his cheek, not the one with the glove burned off. For what thats worth again.

Holy shit, that map wasnt lying. That whale’s almost as big as Atlas is from this angle. Mind you, might just be a trick of the location but it would make sense if they were afraid of a Grimm THAT GOD DAMN BIG. I was just seeing it as like, about the size of a normal sperm whale, maybe as big as the Leviathan from the series of the same name, but even that was barely 150 feet long. This things HUGE.

Nope. Pretty sure its about the same size as Atlas is long.

Also the Moon seems smaller from this angle oddly enough.

Wait is she gonna superman this fucking thing?

Okay yes, the numbers were based on distance not velocity, as Penny is pushing the stadium UP, rather than accelerating it in proper stance.

The noises she makes...huh. Glad my sister didnt walk in on those. Sounds...not like someone straining.

Hey look, its clumsy shitface McGee. HES NOT DEAD!

Note about the message; whos the chick with the eye patch next to the faunus in the back left of Ruby.

Im going to assume the first place we see the message played is the Mistral Black Market. Seems fitting for how it is, and the design matches Havens ascetic. 

OH MY GOD THE LITTLE EARED FAUNUS GIRL IN THE HOLE. OH NO. SHES TOO CUTE.

Also in that same shot we see the old Karen from two episodes ago, a mouse girl, Fiona’s mole uncle, and someone new I think. Plus the huge eared girls mom who has a fox tail. And also one of the thirsty moms and her kid maybe?

Hey, Sun and Neptune! Out in the middle of nowhere in Vacuo. So this is the first time we’ve seen it in the show. 

And Ilia’s still alive too!

Hey and Goodwytch too. No voice, of course...she got fired ages ago.

Also hey, so this is where Ironwoods been. I love how Hare turns it off before Ruby finishes. 

I will note that technically Ruby’s not wrong. Ironwood cant be trusted. But then, he couldnt before because (gestures to Atlas’s pathetic, scraggy SOFT “military” instead of THE CHAD FORCES OF...uh...) (Rapid sounds of shuffling papers and files labeled “UNSC” “Coalition of Ordered Governments” “SRPA” “GAR” and “Yukon Confederacy” fly off the table)

Several others. Yes. Lets go with that. (Accidentally bumps paper labeled “Vanguard” off the desk)

Watts is back out I see too. 

Wait wait wait. Penny’s blades operate via chips...part of her, sure. So WHY does she need wires on them? AGAIN. WHY ARE THEY WIRE FUNNELS AND NOT SEPERATE ONES.

Interestingly the inside of the one Watts has resembles a Scroll...did Peitro commender that technology?

No focusing system for the laser. No chamber for acceleration or direction. Odd.

Salem looks oddly glad for this. Probably cause she thinks this is going to spread more fear. 

And Ruby gets to the heart of the deal. You dont beat something that cant be killed. You capture it. Hurt it. BREAK IT. A sentient being can only take so much punishment before it shatters into madness and controllable fragments. You just. Need. To. Hit. It. HARD. ENOUGH. 

Additionally Ruby’s got a point there too. Salem played the shadows until this moment when everything was going her way. So...whats she afraid of.

Annnnddd thats all it takes to hijack Penny? Seriously.

Fuckin god damn useless Atlas bullshit fucking...(LONG SUFFERING SIGH OF A TECH NERD)

Hey theres Taiyang. Where’s Raven?

Wait hold on a second. She catches fire literally two seconds after she falls? You gotta fall a bit more than that for shit to start happening. WHAT THE FUCK IS REMNANTS ATMOSPHERE?! Or is it just dramatic...

Also as a small note the way the coms between her and Peitro cut off like that is accurate to reentry; during the hottest part of a splashdown, a space craft creates such a huge trail of energy behind it, rattling and burning its way down, it creates a blackout with its own passage. So based on the massive Apollo style reentry fire cone shes already putting out shes most likely going to be out of coms until she slows down orrrrrr craters into Remnants surface with the force of a meteor. 

And no. I dont think shes dead. The fact that, DESPITE being surrounded by the kind of fireball that worked its way into the fueltank of the space shuttle Discovery and blew it and its crew to bits on reentry, she was still intact...shes probably going to be fine.

Hacked, certainly, but fine. It takes more than that to finish her. Besides now that shes hacked, she has to fight Ruby. We all want that right?

Ahh good to see Winter in full armor now. Or...close to it. Im sure some of its a support rig for her injuries but I like to think this is the start of Atlas’s Specialist Weaponization Program.

Ironwood makes a good call here. Same thought process as mine.

Salutes in this world are the same as ours. Interesting. Must change that for the HKs

Annnndd of course Watts steals the busted Scroll because IRONWOOD IS A FUCKING DUMBASS

...um.

Im...not even going to COMMENT on what the FUCK this thing is that Jaunes detachment found. 

Also why is there A TREE in the tundra?

Oh, caustic. Interesting.

Mmmm. (Pause. Fingers to lips)

Thats your plan, Salem? To literally leak liquid Grimm into Mantle.

More silence.

Ladies and gentlemen...Salem is, officially, THE WORST VILLAN. OF ALL TIME.

The level of incompetence and stupidity I have seen here today completely obliterates the LAST person to hold that title, President Snow from the Hunger Games.

The amount of unnececary back door work and seecret plotting here astounds me. Shes doing this because she can, Im SURE of it. Theres no other reason.

Unless...she kows in a straight out fight, she’d have Ironwoods metal arm up to her colon in seconds. Which I wouldnt be surprised about.

Either way uh...thats it. Thats the end of the episode. 

Nice fight, at least.

See you all in Febuary!

EDIT: NOT FEBUARY, the break is a few more episodes after this

[varian-the-unstable-alchemist]

Dont ask for context. I just wanted to post this so its in one place to share-

Regular text was written by me, and italicized text was written by @purple-steven​ ‘s mun

---

Varian groaned, his mouth was dry and it felt as though his head was splitting open. He went to rub his eyes before he realized.... right. He was tied to a chair. At least it was a chair this time. It wasn't exactly comfortable, but it was better than being hung from the ceiling by his wrists, which was what he had woken up to last time. He didn't try to struggle. He knew it wouldn't help. He held his eyes closed, mentally assessing his body. He was mildly disappointed to find he still only had on a thin tank top that was far too big for him, the same worn trousers, and a small tight-fitting metal collar. Everything else had been taken from him. His gloves, his boots, his goggles, even his binder. Gone. He didn't know how long he's been here, but by how long his once sleek, but now matted and tangled hair had grown he could tell it had been at least two months. Anger had long since bled into despair and he held little hopes that he would ever be released. That he would ever see his friends again. His brothers and sister. He should just forget them, he wasn't going to see them again. He only hoped they weren't still looking for him. 

Everything ached, but the lack of open wounds was proof enough that he had died again. After a few moments of deep breaths, which felt like he was inhaling shards of glass, he opened his eyes. He was met with the same dark stone room that his eyes had long since become accustomed to the light level of. Andrew was sitting in the corner of the room. His emerald eyes shining in the darkness. a smile slipped onto his face when he saw the ravenette was awake. Varian had no energy to react at all, so he just gazed at him with empty eyes. Eyes that had been glazed over with hopelessness since he realized there was nothing he could do or say to make Andrew let him go. 

"Good morning sleeping beauty" Andrew whispered as he steadily made his way towards the bound alchemist. Time had no meaning anymore. It could be morning, it could be night, he didn't know. 

"What should we do with you today?" Andrew continued when Varian gave no reaction. "Maybe I could give you a treat and take you outside...? Leaving you in the ocean to drown a couple times could be fun..." 

Varian knew Andrew was only playing with him. He already knew exactly what he was going to do with him. He always did. Andrew reached up and took his face in his palm with a gentleness that didn't fit the situation. Varian instinctively tensed at his touch but resisted the urge to jerk away, knowing it would only result in pain. "I think we're going to do something a little different today... Im sure you miss your friends, right?"

Varian didnt respond, but he repressed a whimper of pain as Andrew's grip started to tighten.

"Right?"

" ...y-yes..." Varian rasped.

Andrew smirked, releasing him and starting to walk towards the door on the far side of the room. "Well, how about we send them a message?"

Varian looked after him and he entered it and came out with a video camera. Varian's breath caught as he started setting it up in front of him and he realized what he was planning, a look of fear breaking through the wall that had been built to protect himself. The video camera was old, the kind that used a VHS tape. Well, to him it was new, as he was from the past, but it was old compared to the kind of technology this current time period has. He shook himself out of that train of thought. He needed to get himself out of the habit of analyzing everything he sees. Alarms went off in his head as soon as Andrew turned it on, setting it on top of something that was about on his head level. 

---

There was a package left outside the library. Nothing special, just a brown cardboard box with a red ribbon wrapped around it. There didnt seem to be anyone around, and it was probably left there sometime that night

Lav was still searching for Varian, he's so worried, he hasn't been able to catch any leads or anything... He hasn't even been sleeping well, he was going out for fresh air. But he noticed the package. He grabbed it, opening it quickly, he's got a bad feeling. Mysterious packaging is always a bad sign.

Inside was a folded piece of blue clothing, after further inspection, it was obvious that this was varian's hoodie. It was ripped in places and bloodstained. Underneath the hoodie was what looked like a cassette tape, where there's supposed to be a label, there was just a smiley face that looked like it had been drawn with blood by a finger.

Lav was... Staring at it, shaking, racing to the living room and pushing in the tape, turning it on. He needed to know what had happened, he needed to know where they were.

The video started, and a dark room flickered into view. In the center was Varian, tied to a wooden chair with thick ropes that look old and worn. He was pale and dangerously thin, his once beautiful blue eyes were clouded over and he was trembling visibly, despite the low quality of the recording. He was wearing a black collar around his neck, there were dark purple bruises blossoming on his wrists where he was tied too tight than necessary and his hair was quite a bit longer and hung in clumps around his face. The tank top he was wearing was thin and far too big for him. He looked cold. He gazed at the camera with a look of despair and fear, tears starting to form in the corner of his eyes. 

Lav was shocked at the sight, he wasn't sure how to react. He was mad, he was sad, he was feeling the weight of guilt. He had let this happen. He had died, and he didn't stop Andrew. He was close to the TV, far too close than he should've been, and he was scared. Scared for what was to come.

"Something wrong?" Someone out of frame asked, and varian's eyes flicked from the camera to a point slightly above and to the left. "I thought you would be happy to be given a chance to talk to your friends again... hmm... that reminds me. who should I give this to? What about the hybrid you call your "older brother"? I bet he would love a chance to hear from you again..." It was obvious that whoever it was was smirking, just from his tone.

Varian opened his mouth for a moment before he hoarsely whispered, "...lav..." at a volume so low it was only barely picked up on the tape, his eyes going out of focus for a moment.

"VARIAN!" He was shouting, banging at the TV. God, what was he doing? He knew he couldn't get to him, he was too late, he needed to search for something, anything that would help him get there. But he couldn't look away from the sight. He felt sick, watching what he felt was a younger brother of his being this bruised and battered. He wanted to help. He needed to help, he's let this happen for so long...

The voice chuckled and stepped into view, walking over to stand sightly to the side and behind varian. He was immediately recognizable as Andrew. He twirled a dagger between his fingers as varian started at the camera in fear, frozen, not knowing what to do. Andrew leaned down next to varian's ear at the same time he raised the dagger to varian's neck, pressing the cold blade against his pale skin and whispering just loud enough for it to pick up on tape. 

"Nothing to say? Not even a hello? Come now, dont be rude...."

Varian visibly swallowed before repressing a sob and choking out, ".. H-hello lav..." His voice was raspy and hoarse.

Lav was shaking the TV, unaware of the tears that were streaming down his face, coughing with the tears choking him. He could only watch, trembling with anger towards Andrew.

Andrew smiled in satisfaction and drew the knife away. Only to drive it into the flesh on his right lower arm, smiling wider as varian let out a strangled scream, tears streaming down his face as he instinctively tried to jerk away. Anderw gripped his upper right arm in one hand and his jaw with the other, forcing him to look at the camera. "Go on, ask for help. Beg for him to find you, tell him where you are so he can come to your rescue. You know this is the only way he'll hear you. I'll reward you with a quick death this time...."

"Varian, please, hang on, please... Tell me, tell me..." Lav was desperate, looking at him in the eye, trembling more the more he stared. He could see the pain in his eyes, he could see the tears well up, he let this happen...

Varian was trembling harder now, the dagger still protruding from his arm and the hopelessness and despair visible in his eyes. He closed his eyes and shook his head to the best of his ability, but cried out again when Andrew tightened his grip. Starting to yell what andrew wanted, just for a bit of relief "aAAAAHH! I-I dont know where I am! L-Lav.. im scared..." he choked on his words. "p-please.. p-please help me, please I-"

Andrew drew the knife out of his arm and plunged the bloody dagger into varian's gut. Varian's eyes widened for a few seconds before he gagged, doubling over in pain as tears streaked down his face, his body shaking feebly. Blood dripped from his mouth as he looked up at the camera one last time with an expression of agony. "...l-lav... please... help me...."

Lav didn't know how, he didn't know, he had to find him. But there was nothing, only darkness and a chair, a bloody one too. He needed to find him, he had to do something, he needed to find him at any cost. And he needed to kill Andrew. He had to, otherwise he'd be doing this forever. He just stared, he felt overwhelmed with guilt and anger, his hands clenched in to fists as his eyes stayed fixated on the sight. God, he felt sick.

The broken alchemist let out one last sob before his energy drained and he slumped forward against the ropes. After a few seconds, his ragged breaths followed. Andrew slowly pulled the knife from varian's body, brushing his hair out of his eyes and smearing varian's blood on his face. He stepped towards the camera, obscuring varian from view. 

"You wont find him. This I can guarantee" He whispered before the screen flickered to black.

Lav just... Stared. He's not sure what to feel. Andrew... god, he... he should've been stronger, he shouldn't have let this happen. Now, he had to make this right. It's his fault after all. He knew was he had to find him. No matter what it takes.

[saeyoungs-sunflower]

Matchup for @nad-zeta! (Milestone Celebration)

Zeta, my sweet sweet Zeta, here’s your matchup! You have been such an angel, both in your patience and your general loveliness.💛 I’m sorry it took a little longer than expected, but I hope it was worth the wait! It’s pretty long (~3000 words lolllll) so it’s all under the cut. Sorry, I got carried away! :’) xx

So, without further ado, based on the information you gave me I matched you with...

Saeyoung!

take care of my bby pls

I feel like I need to say that I kept going back and forth between him and Zen. Zen was a VERY close second, so I kinda half match you up with him too. That being said, there were some things you mentioned that made me lean more towards Saeyoung, which will be explained below :))

~

Reasoning & General Headcanons!

“🥰 i am a aries, infp, ravenclaw female 🦊”

An Aries you say...?

Need I say more? Absolute chaotic duo. The energy is buzzing, and the people you hang out are always amused by your shenanigans.

As an INFP, you are caring, loyal, and sensitive, which are traits that I believe Saeyoung would benefit from in a partner. He also hides his true emotions well, so someone with your personality type would be able to pick up on the signs that he is feeling low, even if he tries to hide it. Your loyalty and devotion also helps him feel secure, which considering everything he’s been through, is something I feel he would struggle with, particularly in the early stages of a relationship.

On the flip side, Saeyoung is also incredibly loyal. And whilst he does joke around and tease, he knows how sensitive topics and comments can affect someone, so he is never careless, especially since (as an INFP) you often take things to heart. As a team, you work well together because you view the world slightly differently. You’re an idealist, whereas he’s a realist; you focus on the big picture, whereas he has an incredible attention to detail. This is really helpful in difficult conversations, big decisions, plans for the future etc, because whilst your opinions may differ, you offer the other a different side of the story. You get the best of both worlds!

I don’t know my Harry Potter houses very well, but from my memory and a quick Google search, Ravenclaws value knowledge and are wise, intelligent and witty. Sounds familiar? ;) i mean wise is debatable lol. Your conversations are sooo interesting and natural, because you’re both very intelligent in many ways.

“i am pretty shy and difficult to get to know (apparently it took me 2 months to start opening up to my friends, ooops), i tend to bottle up my emotions, my friends would likely describe me as incredibly stubborn, gentle, kind, over dramatic, goofy and fun loving. I am pretty aloof and blunt, like i will 9/10 times tell you to your face how if feel about you if you ask 🙈once u are part of my inner circle i am playful, teasing, i am an extremely sarcastic person that makes snarky remarks under my breath and my kind of humor is a bit of dark and self deprecating.”

Okay, this was one of the key things that made me match you with Saeyoung. A huge reason why I love Saeyoung so much is that there is a high level of comfort in a relationship with him. By that I mean that he is so open and fun that there is literally zero judgment. Judgment is such a foreign concept to him in this kind of situation. He makes you so comfortable that it’s so easy to be yourself around him, and it doesn’t take long for him to get to know you.

GIRL HE’S THE SAME. The king of bottling up his emotions. This means that y’all know when something is up, you can see the signs. You are understanding of each other, so discussions happen and actions are put into place before things become too much.

Saeyoung sometimes just needs to be told when he’s being a lil prick. You are kind and gentle when he needs it, but also can be blunt with him when it gets silly. I mean, if MC was like you towards the end of his route, we would have got through the whole “i’M tOo dAnGeRoUs gEt aWaY” thing SO much more quickly.

Once you’re comfy with him, you become an absolutely unstoppable force. When he teases you, you tease him back. When he’s being playful, you’re his partner in crime. Y’all are so goofy. Your life is full of laughs and joy with Saeyoung.

Sarcastic comments, dark humour and self-deprecating jokes? Yep that’s also very Saeyoung. Sometimes you two have to reel it in a bit when you’re hanging out with others because YOU’RE OUT OF CONTROL TOGETHER.

“I love my friends and family and will fight anyone who threatens them, although when it comes to me, you can do or say anything to me and i wont do anything (I honestly can't stand up for myself).”

IT’S LIKE HE’S LOOKING IN A MIRROR. Seriously though, he knows the importance of self worth because he knows, firsthand, the damage that can be done when you don’t value yourself and your wellbeing. He makes it his mission to help you see how worthy you are of respect and give you confidence to stand up for yourself. Even if you won’t do it for yourself, he’ll stand up for you. He cares too much about his loved ones to let them be treated wrongly.

He feels how much you love him and your other friends/family which makes him feel so secure, and he also has a phenomenal amount of love in his heart to give and he ain’t afraid to do so.

“I swear like a sailor although I am trying to get that under control, however the road rage is real.”

Finds your road rage and swearing SO amusing. Constantly teasing you about it and winding you up, but it’s all in good fun.

Absolutely has a swear jar for you. No doubt about it.

“You’ve corrupted my good, Catholic ears.” “Saeyoung shut the fuck up.”

“I love nature and animals (i love my lil bunnies and dogs), i love working out/going to the gym #gym is life”

I mean, we know he adores cats, and I imagine he loves other animals too.

I also imagine he loves camping, and I don’t even know why. He just gives me camping vibes. Weekends away spent in nature, sleeping in a tent and sitting round a fire in the evenings are pretty common for you.

I know this is ~controversial~ topic in the fandom, but I am of the opinion that Saeyoung also works out.

Do I think he’s completely ripped? No, probably not. But he’s strong, lean at the very least. Even Jaehee admits it! He makes working out so much fun and it’s always a bit of a laugh.

“i enjoy cooking (i am now officially a chef), wine tasting (fancy way of saying getting very tipsy of different wines most nights), spending time with friends (especially if there is tea to be spilt) although i do need lots of alone time to recharge my social battery”

The first time he tasted your food, he almost cried. Poor boi lived off eating crisps and soda for God knows how long.

“Wait, you’re not meant to constantly feel like you're gonna throw up? Food is meant to have...flavour???”

Help him

Saeyoung is pretty social, but also needs time to recharge like you, though he can go a bit longer than you and doesn’t easily get drained by social interactions. This may seem like a problem when you spend time with friends, but it’s actually such a blessing. If you’re feeling exhausted when socialising, he knows and will “take the wheel” if you will. There’s nothing worse than trying to keep a conversation going or seeming upbeat when you literally don’t have the energy, so Saeyoung is there to help you out. He’s also super good at politely and subtly taking you out of those situations if you are super drained and need to recharge.

He’s also such a gossip so if you got tea to spill he’s ready to hear it, and you know he ALWAYS has tea to spill. Sneaky man

“i like conspiracies, reading, writing (Fanfics and im busy with my Masters in nutrition >“<), rom coms, and  sleeping. As much as i love spending time outdoor i also enjoy lazing around the house being a lazy potato.”

Discussions about conspiracies over dinner lol. He is in possession of some...top secret information, so those conversations are very interesting and eye opening ;)

He LOVES to read your writing. It literally doesn’t matter what it’s about, he finds it truly fascinating. It’s a little glimpse into who you are, and it’s something you created!!! By yourself!!!! HE LOVES THAT. Always impressed with what you write, every time. He’s so proud.

ROM COMS WHILST CUDDLING ON THE COUCH

He’s a cryer, he loves rom coms.

He works super hard, so he’s always down to have a lazy day with you!!

“I definitely zone out and daydream all the freaken time and tend to blush easily which i hate 🙈 i definitely dont like crowds and loud sounds (ie you will never find me in a club). I am a picky eater despite my degree in cooking (i basically only eat candy, carbs and protein)”

He. loves. Making. You. blush. I’m sorry, but it’s one of his favourite things. He thinks it’s so adorable, so prepare for all the teasing, lewd jokes and general flirtiness that’ll get your cheeks burning ;)

He’s not keen on crowds either, so that’s not a problem!! I imagine he occasionally goes on night’s out with the bois (and by bois I mean usually just Zen and Yoosung LOL) but he’s not often out until super late, and he’s super respectful of you. Would never ask you to do something or go somewhere that makes you uncomfortable.

“i love cuddles although i look like someone that wouldn’t. Ive been told i come across as calm and confident, while in truth on the inside i am really scared and insecure.   I am incredibly awkward when it comes to boys and have been told my sarcastic comments are x100 when i talk to them (oops).”

CUDDLE MONSTER. I actually think he’s the biggest cuddler in the RFA. Controversial I know, but damn Saeyoung loves a cuddle. He’s a spontaneous cuddler. Like it doesn’t matter what the situation is, if you need a cuddle or he just fancies one, he’ll find a way.

He sees right through your calmness and confidence, because he’s exactly the same. This puts him in the perfect position to reassure you and lift you up. He’s a great hype man!

He finds your awkwardness adorable, and your sarcastic comments just make him love you even more! He has a good sense of humour and doesn’t take things too seriously if they don’t need to be, so he’s constantly laughing with you and easing your mind in the very early stages of your relationship.

“I am very go with the flow, and i never burn my bridges 🙈 i am very forgive and forget🦊, like no matter how badly you hurt me.”

Based on what happens on his route, it’s very handy that you are a forgiving person hahah

But again, if Saeyoung thinks you are being treated wrongly and being hurt, he will stand up for you.

His dedication to protecting the ones he loves is STRONG. I mean, look at his relationship with Saeran and the way he is constantly looking out for you in ALL routes.

Of course, he won’t say or do anything to that person if that makes you uncomfortable. Instead, he will constantly reassure you of your self-worth and remind you that you deserve better, but will also support the decisions you make.

If you want to forgive and forget, he will respect that, even if he thinks differently.

“What am i looking for in a potential partner?.... well i definitely think i need someone that could bring me out my shell initially, also someone who isn't too sensitive cause like i said i can be super sarcastic and my jokes kinda match that (like in my family we show out affection for each other via playful insults and savage comments)😂😂”

As I stated above, I think Saeyoung is the best person to help bring you out of your shell. There’s no judgment and no shame with this man.

I find that someone being unapologetically themself is SO contagious, and Saeyoung is exactly that - unapologetically himself.

We’ve all seen his humour, he doesn’t seem to be particularly sensitive either so you’re all good there hahaha. Obviously everyone does have their limits, so whilst their are topics/jokes that would probably make him uncomfortable (e.g. stuff relating to Saeran), overall, he’s chill and ALWAYS ready to joke around with you.

The roast battle is so real with you two LOL

“i kinda want someone stable, hard working, decisive, ambitious and who can push me out of my confort zone and vice versa.🦋”

He goofs around, but there’s no denying that this man works HARD.

Once he leaves the agency and starts his new life with you, I can imagine him being super ambitious and also aiming for stability.

His life before had been so restrictive yet so uncertain. He had to do what he was told, but never knew what was just around the corner.

This makes me think that he would crave the stability and certainty that he never had (a ‘normal’ life, if you will), but also he’d want to try so many things that he hadn’t before. He strikes me as a ‘go big or go home’ kinda guy, so I think it’s safe to say that he would be ambitious in many ways.

The only thing I don’t think he ticks the box on is decisiveness, at least not at the beginning. I think he usually knows what he wants, but rarely acts on that.

“It’s up to you”, “whatever you want” and “I don’t mind” are very common phrases for him lol. I think he would learn to be more decisive once he gets comfortable. I also think he has his moments of assertiveness though, when he’s in the right mood.

“Also someone who is family oriented and loving (someone that can cuddle me when im having a bad day)☺ and someone who can make me laugh, cause i love joking around so i kinda think i need someone who could match that🌻”

SAEYOUNG. IS. SUCH. A. FAMILY. MAN.

Again, look at what he’s done for Saeran and how deeply he cares for and loves him. A ‘normal’ family was something that was absent in his life, so when he has his own family (whether that be a found family or one he made) he would cherish that so strongly, maybe more than most.

SAEYOUNG. IS. A. CUDDLE. MONSTER.

He could be working at his desk and suddenly think “you know what? It’s snuggle time” and then he would search the house for you to give you The Snuggle™

Again, he’s also VERY observant and his attention to detail is impeccable, so he can instantly tell if you’re having a bad day and will act accordingly - aka SNUGGLE TIME

I mean, need I say more? If you want someone who makes you laugh, Saeyoung is the guy. There is never a dull day when he’s around, and the house is always filled with laughter!

So yeah....that’s my reasoning :’)) now onto your very own drabble!! This is all yours, so if there’s anything you’d like me to change or add, PLEASE let me know!! I’m more than happy to edit anything to make it more personalised for you, just shoot me a message and I’ll be on it, same goes for anything I’ve said above!!🥰

~

Drabble!

“Saeyoung! Can you come here a second?”

You called out to him from the kitchen, stirring from a pot whilst its contents quietly bubbled away. You could hear the music blaring from his headphones all the way from the other room, with the occasional hum or drum on his desk. Evidently, he hadn’t heard you.

“SAEYOUNG CHOI GET YOUR FINE ASS IN HERE.”

The music ceased, followed by rapid pattering as he darted into the room, nearly skidding round the doorway. 

“I heard ‘fine ass’ and here I am,” he smirked, sauntering over to you and snaking his strong, secure arms around your middle. He swayed you from side to side, planting a wet kiss on your cheek, much to your dismay. Saeyoung merely chuckled, resting his chin on your shoulder, “What do you need, witch lady?”

“Why ‘witch lady’?”

“Well, whatever you’re cooking is giving me witchy vibes. It looks like a potion in a cauldron. Look at you with your double double toil and trouble-OW! Don’t pinch me!”

“Sorry, it’s a witch thing,” you winked, spinning around in his grip so you were face-to-face. “You sure you’re not the witch? You do have the nose for it.”

“I’ve also got the dress and hat in the attic, shall I go put it on?”

“Try this for me first.” You held the wooden spoon out to him as he took a sip, chuckling at the way his brows furrowed in thought.

He smacked his lips a few times, hummed then finally looked back to you, “It’s good.”

“That’s it? That’s all you got?”

“You do realise that my taste buds have essentially been burned off by chips and soda, right? I have no idea if something’s bad or not.”

“You’re right. I should call Jumin.”

“You can’t,” he informed, his smirk growing ever wider as he moved towards the snack cupboard, “Mr Han has a date tonight.”

The spoon clattered against the counter, your mouth agape, “You’re shitting me.”

“That’s another coin in the swear jar.” Saeyoung chucked a packet of candy in your direction, though it only hit you in the face before falling unceremoniously onto the kitchen floor, “I think we need to get your reflexes checked, babe.”

“Tell me everything.”

He took a seat on a breakfast stool and chortled as you leaned over the counter, eyes showing your eagerness to hear the gossip. And he was more than happy to provide, “He appears to be really into her. Like, really into her. She seems to just get him, you know? I could hear his smile down the phone when he told me about her earlier.”

“Earlier? Why are you only just telling me this now?!”

“Do you wanna hear the rest of it or not?”

Huffing, you perched on the seat next to him, stealing a piece of his candy despite his look of horror, “Okay, well where did he meet such a woman?”

“You’re never gonna believe it.”

“Try me.”

Saeyoung was enjoying himself far too much. He couldn’t wait another moment to witness your reaction, “She’s Zen’s co-star.”

“NO.”

“YES.”

The tea had been spilt, and things were about to get very interesting within the RFA.

Your eyes were glued to his as he continued to disclose the details. At some point you had wrapped your arm around his, his other hand encompassing yours. He abruptly stopped halfway through describing the first encounter, causing you to quirk an eyebrow impatiently, “What?”

“Do you smell burning?”

“...Fuck.”

“And another one for the swear jar.”

~

@nad-zeta​ there we go my love, I hope you enjoyed your matchup!! I am so grateful for your support, it never fails to make me smile when I see you pop up in my notifs. You are beautiful, kind, bright person and you deserve the world. Thank you again for all you’ve done and all you do💛💛 Take care of yourself, my friend! xxx

(Note for other readers: I usually don’t do matchups, this was for a special occasion! I doubt I’ll open up requests for them later on, but never say never!)

[mollydollyjournals]

Bf hasn't been online today on any of the apps I have him on. It's hours after he normally wakes up and even if he doesn't do much he's usually just there at least briefly. It's really odd and I'm trying not to worry because I guess maybe he suddenly got called into work or something but even then it's weird and idk.

I left the house briefly today to run some errands (can't really do much anyway because pandemic) and one of the two places I needed was closed, then had an unpleasant kind of dangerous run-in with a guy on the road. Right near my house, in exactly the same place something happened before. I hate men. I hate living here. I want to leave.

I'm still really tired. I meant to have a second coffee today but I was so anxious due to that guy I ended up just trying not to drink more alcohol. I know it would be a bad idea, I was just in panic mode and couldn't calm down. I still feel pretty shit and unsafe, especially as he probably lives around here and I'm likely to run into him again or he could find my house or something, but I'm not in complete heightened panic now I guess. Now I'm just tired and feel like shit.

I bought some ready made salad stuff so I'd have something to eat that wasn't really bad. It wasn't that nice, I definitely prefer making it myself. But it's the better option given my energy levels today. I'm considering having two cups of coffee a day regularly, rather than my usual one. But I don't want to get used to it and have it stop working as well. I tend to get used to stuff like that fast - I already can't function without my usual one cup, Im exhausted and get a really bad headache. I don't want it to be the case that it's even worse because my body expects 2. But I've had a second coffee a couple of times recently and it's helped me wake up and I want to get more stuff done so...maybe it could help. When I have more energy I feel better because I can do things to improve my mood or situation rather than just lie around feeling shitty.

I don't know. It's definitely too late for more caffeine today. I just have to stay awake as long as I can so I'm not falling asleep in the middle of the day. I'm getting cravings for something I have downstairs that I only let myself have sometimes and today isn't it, plus I think it's too late in the day to eat anything, and I'm not even actually hungry it's just a craving. It's so annoying. I think it's because I'm low on energy.

There are so many things I need to do. I wish I could just have energy and be awake for like the next 6hrs, get some things done, then go to sleep and sleep properly. But the only way I can get any energy to do things is if I have another coffee, which at this point will probably give me a bad headache which will just get worse then I won't be able to fall asleep even though I'm exhausted. So I'll have to do everything tomorrow. Then weds I want to go see bf. I need to be okay enough to do it. I also need to make sure I don't drink anything at all, then I can keep one unit available if I get bad anxiety or something. If I have 2 I'll get this hangover again, so I'll see if I can have one.

I hope I can get my stuff done tomorrow. I hope bf is okay. I hope I can see a doctor soon and finally get my scans. I hope Im not this sensitive to alcohol forever. I hope they get back to me about therapy soon. I hope I can get medication for my anxiety. I hope things stop getting worse. I hope I haven't fucked up my weight.

[silverandarsenic-hcs]

Ghost BC x Bipolar Disorder

disclaimer: everyone with bipolar deals with it differently, has different symptoms, different levels, and different coping mechanisms. im just speaking from experience here cause im just not dealing with it all right now!!! wooohoo!!! ive never talked about this so if you want me to add anyone let me know. 

If hearing about mania/manic states and depressive episodes could trigger you or worsen your mental health, please don’t keep reading. all triggers in the tags as usual. also im doing it as You and not I or “their s/o” for nothing but formatting reasons and laziness. questions and concerns may be as usual directed to the confessional (ask box)

Papa II: It’s kind of difficult with him. He understands the episodes, and that sometimes you can just have regular ups and downs, and that it’s not 100% all the time. He gets depression to a certain extent too. those days you don’t want to get out of bed, don’t have the energy to cry, don’t have the energy to blink so you just let your eyes burn. and when youre up, it’s self destruction, intrusive thoughts, the screaming, the energy. Everything just feels like it’s going too fast, whether you know you’re having an episode or not. II is really good at helping you navigate your episodes. He wont push you to calm down, or tell you to “just be happy” when youre up and down. He’s good at helping things feel real. Helping you come down inside enough that you can recognize yourself in the mirror. Whether you don’t believe in medication, or went off it, or it isn’t working for you, he’ll support you no matter what and never think you’re crazy or awful or manipulating him. He knows you cant control it. 

Papa III: He tries to understand, he really does, but theres so many hard stigmas about bipolar that are hard to let go. That it’s day to day, or hour to hour moods instead of episodes that can last a few days to a few weeks. He knows it’s not his fault, but seeing you talk faster than your brain can process your words, your bursts of manic energy where you just wanna run and your bad ideas, knowing whats going on in your head, it makes him feel useless knowing theres nothing he can do to help you. All he can try to do is talk you off the ledge when you’re about to do something Not Great, and make sure to keep communication open so that if you feel an episode coming on you can try and find ways to stop it together. when you’re depressed, he tries the classic stuff to make you smile: movies, warm blankets, cuddling, forehead kisses, whatever fluff ive put in these hcs before. but it doesn’t work. it cant possibly work when you can’t stop crying and don’t even want him around. and thats a hard pill to swallow - hard to really understand its not him you don’t want around, it’s just that you don’t want anyone around. His best suggestion is to talk to a therapist because he never wants to give you any bad ideas, or bad coping mechanisms, or say something that could trigger an episode, and it’s hard for him to really understand where those lines are if theyre changing all the time (and they usually are). 

Dewdrop: he’ll vibe with you. he doesn’t really understand what you’re going through in any capacity, and why its such a bad thing when you have energy, but whatever you wanna do he’ll do it with you. if you’re manic, he’ll probably try to get on your level - and hear me out, i know this is a dangerous game and AWFUL for someone to do when you’re manic, but listen. If he tries to get on your level when you’re Up, it’s easier for him to understand what you’re thinking. If you tell him something kinda crazy you wanna do when he’s coolin, of course it’s gonna sound crazy and a bad idea and he’ll try and stop you - but that doesn’t get the Crazy out. if he’s up, he can better judge what’s a fun little reckless thing to do vs what’s actually dangerous and what to keep you away from. And he’s good at distracting. Good at steering your constantly crashing train of thought. When you’re in a depressive state, he’ll just lay there with you. he won’t try and talk it out of you, or suggest you do something fun, or tell you how everything's gonna be okay. he doesnt know that for sure and he’s not going to lie to you. but he’s figured out the more still and quiet he is when you’re down like that, the less likely you are to try and kick him out or push him away. The more he rides those waves with you the more he can understand what you’re going through, and learn about what your lines and triggers are. 

Swiss: okay i havent talked about this that much on this account (its a big part of my book haha please read it) but Swiss is Smart. like ridiculously book smart, math smart, people smart, street smart. once hes been around you for long enough, he’s sometimes better at noticing the signs of an episode before you do. He’s really perceptive when it comes to the tone of your voice, little ticks, what you’re saying, how you’re dressing. You know he’s paying attention, but he does it in a way that doesn't make you feel like you’re being watched or monitored ever. everyone knows thats fucking annoying and feels invasive as hell. When you’re manic he’s good at helping you get back to a place of center. not calm, or back to normal, but centered. grounded. it’s hard to feel like you even Exist in the same world as other people sometimes and he gets that. definitely watches how much time you spend online, cause that can make the Not Existing feeling a lot worse. When you’re low, he’s good at talking to you. he’ll direct the conversation to and from whatever you’re upset about if anything, in a way that doesn’t feel invasive or like pestering. if you dont wanna talk about whatever's wrong (and lets be honest, sometimes its Nothing) then he’ll get you to talk about something. Anything just to keep you talking. The goal isn’t to make you laugh and smile, maybe its just to make you feel less alone in the world, but if you do laugh and smile that’s just a cherry on top. 

- Kat

disclaimer part two: there are no excuses mental illness or otherwise for treating your partner poorly and putting someone who cares about you (anyone, really) through hell just because they’ll take it or because you wont seek help isnt okay.

[makeroomforthejolyghost]

ok well i originally drafted this while thinking about this post, but it’s relevant to what i wanted to say about (my tags on) this one too so i’ll just post it now, how ‘bout that.

i mean, Getting Used to It (and thus expanding your definition of “i’m fine”) isn’t always as dramatic as your brain completely turning off its pain response to an event, so that you don’t realize you’ve injured yourself until some other clue tips you off. that’s certainly happened to me? (and w/ smaller injuries it happens to healthy people too, as when you cut yourself on paper without noticing, and it doesn’t start to hurt until you see it bleed.) but the more everyday/pedestrian forms of this phenomenon are, like. that the level of pain i rated as an 8 in 2016 now reads to me as, like, 5. and that when you’re depressed (or at least when i am), pain goes up but interest in that pain goes down, because of depression’s tendency to normalize negative stimuli.

i think these are two manifestations of the same thing: your brain removes fear from the equation, and since fear makes pain more intense, most pain experienced in fear’s absence seems like no big deal. and that goes double for painful stimuli you once associated with fear but no longer do? in a sorta feedback-loopy way. or at least it does for me. less fear-->less pain-->even less fear the next time something similar happens.

if i sit in nearly any given position too long, one or more of the joints in my legs will sometimes... well, i think subluxate is technically the right word?* but it’s not like a sudden pop: it’s like, as the muscles around them relax my joints slowly slide out of place. as you can imagine (given the low bar required to achieve it), this happens A Lot; i don’t keep track, but probably once a day on average? i know it’s not every day, but also that some days it happens many times, and that both these latter and the days when it doesn’t happen at all often strike me as a change from the norm. so, yeah, probably a mean of once per day. but until sometime in 2019, it used to freak me out—a lot—every time.

it’s often one of those above-mentioned doesn’t hurt until you notice for other reasons scenarios, too, like the paper cut. so i’d be like innocently sitting there, then look down or attempt to adjust position and suddenly OH GOD MY LEG(S). and every time it happened i’d think, “oh god, is this the time i really and truly get stuck and have to be scooped out of this position on a stretcher. fuck, please, no, that would be so humiliating, there’s no way the paramedics would believe me, strangers must not see me like this,” &c., and the more determined i got to prove to myself that i could move, that i wasn’t stuck, that i could get myself out of this, the more horrifically painful these attempts became—partly because fear of pain leads to greater pain, and partly because when you’re panicky you don’t tend to move with much patience or care.

but, of course, every time i would eventually get out of it. it’s hard to say how long it took, because, again, i never timed it, and also because time does weird shit when you’re freaking out. (plus i have adhd, so my estimates of how long things take aren’t the greatest to begin with.) i want to say though that the longest i ever took unpretzeling myself in this way was an hour and a half—and i usually took way less time than that. (it’s hard also to estimate because these days exceeding ten minutes marks an especially long battle of this kind.) iirc, the ~90-minute incident was like, my right hip already felt not quite right, and someone on the internet recommended W-sitting as a way to reduce a subluxed hip, and i tried it because i either didn’t know at that time or had forgotten that when i W-sit for more than a few seconds i often misplace several toes, up to two joints per knee, maybe an ankle, and/or at least one hip. some of these will reduce themselves automatically as soon as i move; others i can only move passively until after i’ve reduced them. so like, that endeavor was a fucking jigsaw puzzle, and good luck figuring those out when a. every wrong move doubles the pain and panic you’re in, but b. leaving the puzzle unfinished is also agonizing. most of the time it was not that bad.

…what was my point? oh yeah: this sat-wrong-now-my-leg’s-stuck business still happens a lot, and it’s n o t like sitting on a pen, where your brain eventually gives up on signaling your discomfort.** nor like when you’re running on adrenaline and your brain doesn’t bother to tell you you’re hungry. nor like what tumblr user bibliosphere described, where her brain evidently just… prioritized other tasks over the “hey please fix this leg” alarm that pain would have signified. but incidents like this do, literally, hurt less the tenth time they happen than they do the first time, and it’s not because your body Toughens Up or whatever either (that only works w/ exercise-related muscle pain); it’s because your brain learns that this event does not pose imminent danger. a subluxation you know how to reduce will hurt less than one you don’t.

that’s what the “i’m always subluxing” version of the hulk meme means. most chronically ill people describe this whole phenomenon as more like the argument from “shot in the knee theory.” as like, you stop screaming because you learn screaming doesn’t help. and i mean… yeah? but ime it’s more that you stop screaming*** when you learn what does help. the OP in that post asks rhetorically,

Are you going to scream and cry the entire time, or are you going to come to grips with reality and accept the fact that freaking out isn’t going to make the ambulance come any faster?

and jesus christ, OP, are you kidding? in real life? definitely the first one! if you literally got shot in the knee, you wouldn’t just scream because it hurt—you would scream also because holy shit, am i gonna die of blood loss? why did they shoot me? are they going to shoot me again??? and pain you’ve had for years, or an injury you’ve sustained many times before, is nothing like that. if it scares you at all, the content of your fear is more like, oh, crap. what’s this gonna feel like tomorrow. will i have to cancel my plans again?

*n.b. i’ve never had this confirmed by a doctor. i just assume that’s what’s happening because 1. the sensations’ non-pain components are very similar to what the subluxations i have had confirmed feel like; 2. if it’s a joint i can see from my position (e.g., the ankle pressed against the floor when criss-cross-applesauced), it usually looks a little fucked up; and 3. it behaves quite differently from regular stiffness, joints in this scenario feeling not so much too tight to move properly as like i keep aiming for and missing the lever that moves them. (and each failed attempt HURTS like my soft tissues are pumpkin guts and my bones are knives trying to scoop them out.)

**i’ve never actually tried this experiment, though, and i’ve heard it doesn’t work on some autistic people. hopefully this goes without saying lmao but my sensory perceptions are Weird in General, so, any hypotheses i build upon them should be salted liberally

***well, whimpering, anyway. for me at least, if i literally scream at an injury it’s not from the pain, it’s from the surprise. i’m more likely to scream when i stub my toe than when i try to bite and my jaw crunches sideways, because the latter is a possibility i sign up for every time i put food in my mouth, whereas like. ob…viously you wouldn’t have stubbed your toe if you’d already known the object you accidentally kicked was there. (except i guess in movies when people kick objects to express rage, forgetting that this will hurt them. in that case i suppose they scream partly from surprise and partly because negative stimuli encountered in “fight” mode reinforce preexisting anger. wow i digress lmao sorry.) but reactions like whimpering, clenching your teeth, &c. only partly come from surprise; they’re also stims, i think, tho clearly not ones unique to ND people. the woman who pierced my ears when i was a kid told me to focus on tapping first one foot and then the other, so i wouldn’t shrink away. i think it’s kinda like that: it releases nervous energy, gives you a competing stimulus to focus on.

[emsartwork]

1. Aterix is my fan transformation based on the third gift of destiny in season 4! like it never made sense to me that the gift of wisdom gives you sophix, the gift of heart gives you lovix, but the “black gift” is used more like a magic object on someone else as opposed to increasing a persons magic in a specific way??? I’ll be designing and explaining more about those soon @mariloki4 2. The faunix designs are here, and i haven’t done their animals designs yet! 3. So in my version, guardian fairy is more of a title given to alfea enchantix graduates, they don’t really have any responsibilities to their planet or anything lol  @elf-from-the-ashes 4. hoo boy, like just from scratch visually with the plot the same??? probably not too different from what i draw now since i like to have the characters all look different, but again, if i have no starting point to jump off from i have no idea what decisions i would end up making haha 5. Thank you! and yes! I am planning on getting to world of winx and the season extras soon here. 6. lol right?? every transformation i try to do seomthign different with tecna’s hair cus she deserves it but sometimes its hard (also i am ALWAYS tempted to just cut the other girls’ hair like YOU get a pixie cut and YOU get a pixie cut EVERYBODY’S getting a pixie cut)  @theoretical-artist 7.  I drew daphne and diaspro here! i am gonna take another stab at diaspro soon tho, i don’t like what i did before 8. I don’t know that i have one? like whatever one im currently watching i get used to the voices eventually. Musa’s voice change in season 3 (idk which dub) is the only one that consistently bothers me 9. Sure! the hair color change is because i was trying to make her look less like a terrible clip art witch on crappy halloween decor lol. here are some other hcs! She likes to knit. She has sensitive skin and breaks out easily. She regrets what happened with Valtor, like she knows he needed to be stopped but wishes she could have saved him(this is primarily why she cuts the trix so much slack before expelling them) She’s a mix of a lot of different ethnicities(solarian, melodian, and zenithian are the strongest) and was born on Magix. 

10. Domino: Scotland/Ireland/tiny bit of China Solaria: Egypt/Greece/Italy Lynphea: Spain/Mexico/India/Persia Andros: Hawaii/Indonesia/Philipines/Afghanistan/ and weirdly a little bit of Canada towards the poles. Melody: Japan/China/tiny bit of Korea Zenith: Russia/Mongolia Eraklyon: England/France/Germany/Colombia Vaonaa: Australia/the USA if the pilgrims never happened Zhen: Mongolia/Korea Koyu: Turkey? this planet is a little fuzzy culture wise and the environment isn’t anything we have on earth.

11.  Domino: 2 Solaria: it varies. Lynphea: 1 Andros: 2 Melody: 3 Zenith: 4 Eraklyon: 2 Vaonaa: 2 Zhen: 1 Koyu: 3

12. these are gonna be a little sarcastic because of who i am as a person im sorry @beevolution Domino: Hi we’re not dead and we have some really great mountain resorts please help us rebuild our economy Solaria: Sunshine all the time! The latest fashions! Don’t get lost in the desert because you will never be found! Lynphea: If you want a relaxing cottage retreat in a meadow come here, if you want a DEATH DEFYING TOUR THROUGH THE MOST WILD TERRITORY OF THE MAGIX DIMENSION also come here. Andros: You like the ocean? you’ll like it here. You don’t like the ocean? fuck off. Melody: CONCERTS! LIVE SHOWS! LIVE TAPINGS! PERFORMING ARTS!!!!!!!!!  Zenith: Technological wonderland, probably have theme parks about technology. nerds.  Eraklyon: Wanna buy jewelry and not talk to people? this is the planet for you. Vaonaa: Wanna buy fabric and talk to a lot of people? this planet is for you. Zhen: *Communication and transport to ZHEN is currently unavailable. Please hang up and try again.* Koyu: bitch why tf would you come here our atmosphere is posion. I guess we have pretty lights and stones???

13. oh gosh i don’t know..... Im really bad at celebrities. I love gillian anderson’s voice, but she would probably voice one of the adults not one of the girls. I like zendaya, lana condor, aubrey plaza, and steaphanie beatriz too. but like. They’re all 22 and over. Ideally the actresses (voice or otherwise) would be 16-20 age wise.  14. @powerpuffninja934​ the wings can move a little! as long as the fairy isn’t trying to fly with the chronix wings they can move slowly. 15. Thank you! and that would be really fun! 16. I mean the short answer is yeah, they would. Fairy transformations are basically cheat codes. fairy magic is “earned” through little effort or practice on the part of the fairy its like a grenade, its powerful and wide range, but can cause unintentional damage. Anybody can throw a grenade, and there are different type of grenades for different purposed(flash, smoke, incendiary) but all of them can hurt innocent bystanders if not used correctly. Witch magic, and most of the masculine magic systems, is like a sniper rifle, it can take years and a lot of practice to gain a mastery of the tool, but has less risk of unintentional damage. if fairies had worse PR and weren’t thought of as “good” (compared to the witches PR being aligned with the ancestrals and “bad”) fairy transformations probably wouldn’t be allowed on the grounds that its unsafe and unnatural. @lowko​  17. So magic is like a type of radiation/energy. Core Magic is like the electrical impulses that run the human body, its normal, safe, and part of the body. Natural Magic is like sunshine, its normal, safe(in low doses), and necessary. Ethereal magic is like a nuclear bomb. Its insanely powerful, targeted, and created/manipulated by the ethereal fairies usually for a specific purpose. Wild magic is like a cross between a freshwater spring and a natural radiation/electricity source(lightning?) its normal and part of the environment, but its dangerous and unpredictable. it also only effects a small area around it.  Wild and natural magics work in tandem in the same areas. Natural sources are stable enough to link magic to(the resulting transformation is called danix), but wild magic is not. Natural sources can become/ be replaced by wild magic when the natural source is polluted, cursed, or threatened by a natural disaster. Its theorized that wild and natural magics have a limited level of consciousness, and when a natural source retreats, the wild magic takes over the sources mouth in an attempt to let the environment heal and ward off any threats. Wild magic sources can stabilize and be replaced by natural sources, but its less common. Bloom and Stella are linked to the dragon flame, and the second sun of solaria, which is where their titles come from, but the other girls aren’t linked to anything in specific and their titles are mostly personal preference. Hopefully this makes sense??? I’ll probably do a masterpost on how my magic system works here soon. 18. Yeah so i never really had a problem with the age gap because most of my friends growing up were 2-3 years younger/older than me. Also in my version Alfea is a legit college, so the average freshman age is like... 18/19? but you could technically attend whenever. 19. I love magix winx, harmonix, and bloomix! for least favorite.... butterflix................ and mythix........................... and sirenix.......(tho i do love the sirenix transformation sequence)

[bbrandy2002]

The Breakfast Club

Chapter Seven

TRR AU

Summary: Things get very heated in the library and between two of the teens. Some major fluff.

Warning: Drugs are mentioned.

Word count: 2417

Characters belong to Pixelberry. Library plot and much of the spoken dialogue written by John Hughes/A&M Films. Everything else is mine.

*please let me know if you want untagged from this story. I promise I won't mind 😊

Drake sits on the railing leading up to the second level of the library, deep in thought.

He hops down, still feeling the effects of his liquor filled breakfast. "You know what we should do? Close that door.... I've gotta a bottle of whiskey", he pulls it out of his pants and shakes it in the air.

Maxwell perks up and feels an instant rush of energy, "yeah, I'm always down for booze and a party, count me in."

Liam frustrated with Drake and life in general right now wants no part of this, "Come on guys, Vernon said to keep the door open."

Drake scoffs, "so what?"

Liam turns to face him, "so, there's four other people in here who don't want to piss him off and then we all have to deal with my father."

"A prince who can count...aren't you special" Drake says sarcastically.

Liam slams his hands on the table before him and looks at Drake, "Who the hell are you to judge anyway?"

Olivia nods her head in agreement, "yeah!"

Drake methodically walks over to Olivia and leans down to face her, "remember what you told me yesterday, huh?....I'm a nothing...a nobody...I may as well not even exist in this world."

She scowls back at him flatly, "yeah....and I still stand by that."

Drake acts like it doesn't bother him, but, inside, the words fuel him further. He sets his sights elsewhere,  walking toward the entrance doors of the library. He studies it briefly then begins messing with the screw that holds the door open.

Riley carefully watches him before sitting up in her seat, "hey, you're not supposed to be doing that."

The door slams shut and Drake runs back to his seat, "am I a genius or what?"

Olivia speaks up, "No, you're an asshole."

Liam begs Drake to fix the door, but, he ignores his pleas.

Out of no where, Vernon slams the door open, "Damn it, who shut that door?"

Olivia points to Drake, "he did it", she was not about to protect him.

Vernon doesn't act surprised, he scurries through the room and stands at the corner of Drake's table, holding out his hand "Give me that screw Walker."

"I don't have it", he says innocently.

"Give me the screw or I'll shake it outta ya."

"Screws fall out all of the time sir, why would I want to take it?"

Vernon can feel the fury increasing in his chest, "Beaumont...front and center!"

Maxwell quickly stands up and salutes him, "At your disposal, sir."

Vernon motions for him to follow as he walks to a wooden book shelf, "help me move this into the door."

Maxwell barely holds one end as Vernon grabs the other. As they begin moving it into place, Drake feigns concern about fire hazards; the shelf is blocking the door and children's lives could be endangered....he emphasizes the Prince could be put in danger.

Vernon trying to save face looks at a breathless Maxwell who is hunched over, "What's the matter with you Beaumont! What are you doing, huh? Move this back over there".

Maxwell stood there for a moment scratching his head, "I'm so confused, sir."

"Just move it back!", Vernon yelps.

Maxwell sighs then pushes the shelf back to its original place.

He immediately returns to his seat when Vernon addresses him again, "I expected better of a Beaumont."

Maxwell is stunned and looks over at Riley, still not sure of what he had done wrong.

Vernon eyes Drake and points at him, "the next screw that falls out is going to be you!"

Drake mumbles under his breath, "Eat my shorts."

"What was that Walker?", Vernon asks as he quickly spins around from his attempt to leave.

Drake glares at him, "Eat.My.Shorts."

Vernon replies, "You just earned another Saturday of guard duty."

"So?"

"There's another....you finished?"

"No"

"You just bought another one."

"I'm free the Saturday after that too."

"Not anymore.....just say the word...you through?"

"Not yet."

"Im doing Cordonia a favor...you want another one?"

"Yes!"

"You got it"

Olivia turns to him, now with actual concern, "Drake, cut it out...stop."

Vernon continues, "Now are you through?"

"Not even close, bud"

"Good, there's another one."

"Do you think I give a shit?"

"Another"

Drake glances up at him, "how many is that?"

Maxwell innocently speaks up, "That's seven Drake, including the one you got when you asked him if he raids Trumps closet."

Drake gives a knowing look to Maxwell, desperate for him to stay quiet.

"You're mine Walker...for the next two months I got you."

Drake rolls his eyes, "What can I say, I'm thrilled."

Vernon begins his stroll out of the room and turns just before exiting,  "the next time I have to come back in, I'm cracking skulls."

Drake mouths the words silently as Vernon says them.

After the door closes, Drake yells out, "Fuck You!!"

****

At a quarter to 11 am, everyone is bored. Drake sips on his whiskey quietly at his table with one foot propped up, Olivia rifles through her purse, Maxwell is playing with his balls, Liam is playing with the draw string of his sweatshirt and Riley is wrapping hair around her finger until it turns purple.

A few minutes later...Drake has a lighter burning the rubber of his shoes, Maxwell is playing paper soccer and quietly celebrates his goal, and Riley is emptying a salt packet onto her new drawing.

Eventually, Riley starts singing to herself...I don't mean to brag but I be like put it in the bag.

Then Maxwell joins in while pointing at his head...you like my hair gee thanks just bought it.

Both Olivia and Drake yell at the same time, "shut up!"

Boredom becomes overwhelming and everyone in the room, including himself, is ready to choke the shit out of Drake. One by one, heads lower to the tables in front of them as they peacefully fall asleep.

At noon, Vernon comes in and yells for everyone to get up and asks if anyone needs a drink; they all raise their hands.

Drake volunteers to get them, however, Vernon shirks him and randomly chooses who he feels is the safest options. He points to Liam, then Riley; he instructs them to promptly go to the main kitchen to bring sodas back for everyone.

***

Riley and Liam walk in silence through the long and winding hallways of the palace. He was troubled by his father's actions this morning and the bruises on his face were throbbing reminders. He felt as if he was in a daze, each minute a dizzying fog of inevitable gloom. Drake's odd behavior in the library was only a temporary reprieve to refocus his thoughts elsewhere, but, now, it all rushes back without his distraction. His eyes are sunken and troubled, his expressions are flat, emotionless. Even when he corrected Drake, the words flowed out without energy or substance.

Riley hesitated to speak as she walked just a half step behind Liam. She could read him like he was a book about her own life. She has wore that face before, even if only seeing it from the side. 

Before she can say anything, he quickly glances at her, with a hollow tone in his voice, "what happened to your eye?"

She ever so slightly turned her head away and toyed with the charm on her bracelet, yet, kept moving. She questioned to herself whether he was like his father, was he leading her into a one way conversation where she would be called a whore again?

Curious by her timid behavior, Liam slowed the pace he was walking and reached out to tap her arm, wanting to gain her attention. She flinched before he made contact and a distressed look played deep in her light brown eyes. He too, knew that particular look..it's the one you wear when you've been conditioned to expect the worst.

Keeping her head down, she slowly moved her eyes back to him, not fully meeting his gaze.

He needed her to face him,  there was an unmistakable force inside that had to know if someone else in the world knew his sorrows....experienced his demons. He tilted her chin up and their eyes engaged for the first time. Both of them felt exposed in that  moment, as if every thought, every painful memory, all the lonliness was out in the open....revealed through the effectual union of their eyes.

Her lips began quivering as two large tears fell rapidly down her cheeks, and with a low shaky voice, almost inaudible "my stepfather."

Her soul felt like the floodgates of hell had opened and she was purged and unequivocally free from her bondage.

She had never trusted anyone to tell her secret, but, somehow, in this moment, she felt safe.

Liam didn't know Riley, had only met her two hours ago, however, the urge to protect her suddenly weighed on him. He felt powerful...strengthened...fearless. Leo described that feeling to him, but, Liam never expected to experience it.

Riley reached up, brushed her thumb along his own facial bruises; he leaned into her touch with eyes closed. There was nothing in the world better than her touch; it sent a powerful charge through his entire body.

They were two broken souls, from opposite ends of society, who now feared only the absense of the other. Seemingly impossible and, yet, suddenly real.

He opened his eyes, turning to gently kiss the palm of her hand. With tears still streaming and a heart that was pounding thunderously, she carefully placed her free hand on the other side of his face and pulled him to her lips. He wasn't a Prince and she wasn't a commoner....it was just Liam and Riley.

_________________________

Drake is laying on top of a table in the library , while Maxwell and Olivia are still anxiously waiting in their seats.

"Man, where are those drinks at?", Maxwell was getting inpatient and fidgety.

Drake sits up and lets his legs dangle off the table behind Olivia, "Hey Liv...are you still a virgin?

Olivia jumps up and grabs Drake by the back of the neck and wrestles him to the floor, "I will kill you Walker, do you understand me?"

Drake laughs as Olivia has him in a behind the back arm lock. He makes an attempt to break free, however, he is still too inebriated to make a concerted effort.

Olivia shoves his head away and walks back to her seat.

Moments later, Drake pulls out his cell phone and scrolls for a particular picture he has saved, "Liv, you want to see a picture of a guy with elephantitus of the nuts...its pretty tasty."

Maxwell tries to sneak a peak at this picture, while Olivia forces herself to ignore him.

Drake jumps down from his table and walks to the doors, he steadily opens it enough to see that Vernon is no longer at his desk and peaks out into the hallway. He shuts the door and turns to Maxwell and Olivia, "anybody up for taking a stroll in the halls...I need to get something."

As much as Olivia has had it with Drake, she wants to get out of that library more; she couldn't explain it, but, she trusted Drake was stealthy enough they wouldn't get caught.

She and Maxwell follow Drake out. Olivia is keeping pace with him, "how do you know we won't get caught?"

He simply replies, "I don't"

Maxwell whispers to her, "where are we going?"

She shrugs her shoulders, "Beats me".

"Well...what if we get caught?"

"I suppose we'll get in trouble."

"But, what..."

Olivia grabs Maxwell by the collar, "If you don't stop asking questions, Im going to beat the living shit out of you."

Maxwell raises his hands up in defense, "sorry".

Bastien's quarters are not too far from the library, Drake has a small bedroom within it.

As the trio enter Drake's bedroom, Olivia looks around in disgust, pinching her nose, the room was in complete disarray, "Slob".

"Yeah, well my maids on vacation", he replies while stepping through a pile of clothing scattered along his path.

Drake reaches up on the top shelf his closet and pulls down a small bag of marijuana and rolling papers.

Maxwell's eye's widen in surprise as he looks to Olivia to say something, but, she doesn't.

Drake lays his items on the desk and begins to prepare crafting a joint, "I actually haven't done this before."

Olivia slides next to him, carefully watching his hands, "Then why do you have it?"

He chuckles at her, "I was saving it for a rainy day."

She rolls her eyes, but, snickers with him

Maxwell watching this, clears his throat and huddles down between them, "watch out, let me do this." Maxwell is steadfast and makes quick work of his rolling efforts, "Ta-da, she's a beaut." He leans over and starts rolling a second one.

Drake yanks the first one from his hands and inspects Maxwell's work, "that's not half bad Beaumont."

Maxwell give him a coy look and a shrug, "Not my first time".

Olivia looks at Drake with an eyebrow raised, "now what?"

Drake places the joints back in the baggie and shoves it into the front of Maxwell's pants, "Go back to the library...Bas will kill me if he smells that in here."

They quietly make their way back through the halls, trying to be as quiet as possible. Just as they round the corner leading to the library, Vernon steps out of his office.

----------

Liam and Riley pull away from their kiss. It had been slow, gentle and tender; it left them both feeling breathless. Riley bites her bottom lip, still staring up at him, searching his eyes again.

This was his first kiss and he is beaming; it felt as if the earth had temporarily stopped moving. He is thrilled, but, nervous and doesn't know what to do next. He takes a finger and taps her nose with an awkward grin. Riley taps his nose right back as she lets out a light giggle.

As if instinct kicks in, he wrap his arms around her waist and pulls her close to his body, resting his chin on top of her head. The hair was so soft that he couldn't help but rub his cheek along it. They held each other close, both communicating with one another through touch and embrace.

He lightly kissed her forehead, inhaled her rose petal scent, then met her soft lips again. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him in closer. Liam reached up and grabbed her hand, laced his fingers through hers and held it to his heart. Constantine, his duties, his bleak life...no longer existed. When the kiss ended, he whispers softly in her ear, "Riley, you're so pretty."

@missameliep @ao719 @dcbbw @carabeth @romanticatheart-posts @emceesynonymroll @drakensword @jemrmax2love @pedudley @moneyfordiamonds @katedrakeohd @sirbeepsalot @kingliam2019 @thisperfectmemory @drakeandcamilleofvaltoria @stopforamoment @silversparrow02 @choiceslife @timmagicktoad @lodberg @burnsoslow @gnatbrain @lovemychoices @hopefulmoonobject

[oswednesday]

okay so everyone knows how i feel about ambigous kid age feets mcgee there, stuff i do like was the pinball machine like bumper cars and that she Likes candy according to the second creepiest trading card, 

(i obvi want to make her older, i think its more Fun if shes like Childish, as an adult, obvi again i guess omg so shes in her mid-30s and brags about being the strongest woman in galar)

(she ranks number 3 in the whole region so as far a league stats go, she would be right! )

(ability: technician, moves: rolling kick, rapid spin, gyro ball, drill run)

(okay i saw that rolling kick isnt a move that got in with this pkmn instead a much weaker triple kick was introduced? going to ignore that)

(this pkmn is not used in the cup rematch!)

(stow-on-side’s gym is protected by a union of regions, as a historic gym of the western regions, its the oldest gym in galar! this means that it can be a gym without being in the league and it answers only to the union representatives, or it did before bea has sole ownership of it)

(ability: unburdened, moves: sticky web, attract, play nice, play rough)

(she doesnt use this in the rematch, she likes to use sweet food pkmn but opal probs gets on her ass about it)

(her parents died in an “accident” in her mid 20s, leaving her an orphan, like no aunts, uncles, grandparents ect to speak of! and sole heir to a gym that had been operating outside of the league for generations, the funding it got from neighboring regions allowed them to keep it up to shape as a modest gym specializing in fighting, while teaching students the ancient fighting arts of galar (such as slinging a boulder with your bare hands)

(ability: filter, moves: power split, brick break, sucker punch, skill swap)

(sometimes she ends up copying other gym leaders and trainers who catch her interest, she doesnt get why others might take offense to this, she usually only holds on to a pkmn long enough to evo it before switching it out)

(bea doesnt use this mime again)

(bea is someone who gets bored easily and jumped at the invitation to join the league with the promise of interesting ways to transform the historic village, now stow-on-side is a must stop tourist attraction a 24 hr 7 day a week carnival town)

(ability: cute charm, moves: brutal swing, force palm, stomping tantrum, facade)

(this is the one she max’s out! and uses max guard!)

(she actually keeps this one and its a bewear next time you see it!  and youll be seeing it last in her line up)

(moves: brutal swing, hammer arm, stomping tantrum, body press) (she makes this one big but uses max knuckle this time!)

(no matter what her team is she always has one of these or the evo form on it, its like her signature mon and she has them imported, theyre prizes you can win in town! pokemon rights activists can been see protesting this practice, ones you see in the wild are due to people winning and releasing cause the amount of care needed for this type of pokemon in a lot, with no real predator unlike many other aggressive galar pokemon, theyre considered an invasive and dangerous pkmn species)

(the mini game is the same! except every time you hit a wall, one pkmn in your party has a 50/50 chance of becoming confused! the town is full of other pkmn themed mini games as well, her sponsor is like ballman brand, and like the corporation that owns basically anything cute and animated and produces most of the junk food in galar in partnership with like the food industry obvi, like if its on tv it probably went through this company at some point, because theyre her sponsor bea likes to be in charge of the snacks on opening day when the challengers get their numbers and stuff cause she often doesnt show up as its boring to her like the same thing as last year with just different people zzz)

(ability anticipation ,moves: rock smash, stealth rock, counter,endure)

(she’ll comment that this one was a gift but she wont say from who! youll be seeing it again at the championship cup, with everything basically unchanged, its just a higher level)

(because she gets bored easily she switches her team up a lot, it causes a lot of strife in her serious fan base but casual fans love the variety)

(ability: pure power, moves: seismic toss, detect, power up punch, recovery )

(hey vibe check on this pkmn? is it just like to inherently offensive to use or is it an abstract person enough that its like Fine with some tweaking, i plan to obscure its face more so it looks less ya know and push like parts of the design further away from human and more like weird mushroom maybe? but is everything else about it like Too Much A Racist Caricature to even use?  like using it as like being like a carnival fortune teller like fundementally like that or can the aesthetic and understanding that theres like history about it in the uk that just becomes its Own thing? the spiritual movements in the uk were taken way more serious than in The States, its weird that its so under represented in this gen?? anyway you’ll only see it for the gym battle!)

(some claim chairman rose’s modest alternative energy company has deeper ties to bea’s sponsor but its obvi simply because theres a mutual partnership as chairman he needs to make sure the games are the best after all)

(ability: iron fist, moves: mach punch, dynamic punch, slam, stone edge)

(you may be wondering how she stays at number 3 like this, well mostly because allister doesnt care about ranking up and raihan never loses to her, but its also because she has just so many fully evo’d pkmn at hand, she uses their pent up aggression, at being kept in a box or under exercised as they work in town, on the battle field, she’s also known to rotate pkmn during league matches which isnt against the rules but is considered poor sportsmanship, bea’s opponents never being able to predict what she’s going to do is her greatest strength)

(she’ll use this pkmn in the cup!)

(im probs going to aim for strong woman ring leader vibes for her design! like galar is the uk right, thats like uk History right there along with like the highland games, way more on? themed? than karate?????)

(ability: lightening rod, moves: mega horn, horn drill, smart strike, sword dance)

(after you get off the the spinning cup theres a platform and an unavoidable “carnie”” trainer” who’ll let you know in uncertain terms that they’re not getting paid enough for this, the first platform is likely Fine with a low level machop but the second and third platform the pkmn might rebel! as theyre not pokemon trainers just part time worker residents)

(ability:rivalry, moves: entertainment, yawn, hyper beam, noble roar)

(just a cup critter!)

(if they do you have a chance to catch them like wild on the platform after a battle! platform two is a machoke, platform three is a machamp,  who can dynamax completely on its own!! weird right? if that happens in my nuzlocke sheid’ll send em to the prof like a Clue to get! )

(her stadium terrain behaves like trick room, wonder room and magic room are in effect altering between the 3 every sixth turn!)

(ability: limber, moves: circle throw, taunt, revenge, payback)

(another pkmn just for the cup!)