#introspective leading up so i can kind of go in with a bit more insight if that makes sense

[pawschamp]

VOL 8#2/CH35: “double team” appreciation

i’m a huge fan of the way nightow encapsulates a certain thematic or specified topic in each chapter, almost making each chapter its own arc with the way a character can change in just a few pages. as an example to appreciate this, i’m using chapter 35 aka “wolfwood doesn’t shoot” chapter aka one of my favorite chapters in the entire series.

warning, this is not a thought out essay, this is just the insane ramblings of a guy that likes trigun and wolfwood. there will be tangents, there will be derails, but overall, it’s a 4k insight into where my mind goes when i read these chapters. 

TW WARNING: wolfwood’s backstory pictured (child experimentation, child harm), blood, death

SPOILERS WARNING: mentions of vol 8 events

for consistency sake, i’ll be using overhaul’s translation. 

this chapter throws us into the familiar perspective of wolfwood. the readers have been in his shoes, we’re made to understand his thoughts since the very beginning of maximum, considering max started from his perspective. his ordeal and his internal struggle was made clear since the leonef arc, but this chapter serves as a checkpoint of where he is now, paralleling almost to chapter 11 where it had began with wolfwood’s dream + where his internal conflict were first laid bare to readers.

it’s also good to note that this chapter is in vol 6, the vol that takes place after the midvalley/hopper arc. this entire volume consists the internal dialogue of essential characters and where they stand with vash; the first chapter being meryl, then wolfwood, legato, knives, milly (a bit of vash), and then an open ended one, but it leads into vash’s flashback -- obviously, each chapter progresses the story itself too, but the main focus tends to be the thoughts of these characters. i really appreciate nightow writing an immensely thoughts driven and relatively quiet (in terms of action) volume after the heavily action packed previous volume. he does this well in the chapters themselves, knowing when to lead the reader into quiet so we can all feel the scene much more intimately. these chapters become more emotional because we’re settled with each character individually, we lean into their fears, their worry and concerns. the fact we get so little of vash and his thoughts in these chapters aside from the flashback makes him feel distant and lonelier (which, considering his immense guilt of remembering july, it feels purposeful.) 

vol 10 will always be my favorite vol but vol 6 is certainly up there... i think it was masterfully put together and nightow’s character writing is one of my favorite parts of trigun. the introspection is such a core part of trigun itself alongside the action and i just appreciate the overall pacing of it and how it eventually leads into vol 7 where we return to vash, to the conflict between the brothers, and then into the harrowing 7 months of destruction on no man’s land where the kind of peacefulness that settled in vol 6 no longer exists for a long time in the future chapters. 

anyway, to the chapter now

from the dream alone, we can tell there’s a progression of wolfwood’s risk taking heart beginning to open. from all the time he’s spent with vash and what he’s witness after the leonef arc, he’s starting to change internally, he’s no longer the same as he was at the beginning of trigun. the dream provides a what-if situation, where wolfwood kills off the eye of michael (vague individual, but probably chapel again?), freeing the children.

side note, but it’s particularly sad to me he says “i can never come back, but at least y’all will be safe now.” in an universe where a happy ending could be provided for the orphanage, there still wouldn’t be a happy ending for wolfwood. he can free the orphanage but even the destruction of the eye of michael wouldn’t free him from the man he’s grown into and it’s telling of just how little he believes he deserves to go/have a home. 

but the dream then panels to knives and his fear of someone/something other than himself is shown. as i mentioned earlier about how this parallels to chapter 11, in that dream, it showed how wolfwood can’t return to the kids because of the blood that stains his hands, a dream he gets after having killed rai-dei and confronted by vash about his role. 

he still feels this way considering his mentioned thought of “can’t return” anymore, but the dream shifts focus to knives because the threat of him looms closer now more than before after having witness vash transform in the previous arc -- and it’s clear him being a first hand witness has influenced his fears considering knives is using his ability within the dream. 

overall, wolfwood has sooo much on his mind at this point; he saw vash transform, he came face to face with the rest of the gung-hos, met the strongest gung-ho, seen the price of betrayal with his own eyes (though b/c it was carried out by legato, it doesn’t necessarily hold the same weight)... he’s also done his fair share of trying to get others away from danger, notably when he speaks to meryl in the previous chapter, and tries to ward her away now that she’s seen first hand of vash’s strength, seen below from the chapter right before this. he’s relatively passive in his interactions with meryl so it’s insane how his behavior in ch 35 contrasts with this. 

kind of a side note but i’ve always enjoyed this interaction between wolfwood and meryl. this is the first time they actually got to converse and he’s actively reading her and giving her advice; it’s advice he’d give to any average citizen, he’s always been an advocate for regular folks to turn their back so long it can keep them safe, but his advice here definitely felt a little personal considering how he’s gotten to known milly and he Knows for certain that this just isn’t the environment for her. the way he says “This isn’t the place for that cute partner of yers” as a reason to push Meryl to turn away always gets to me, because while there may be an implication for meryl to hightail out of there to protect herself, the discussion ends at wolfwood telling meryl to back out for milly. being with milly in the previous arc, he knows the lengths and sort of reckless, self sacrificial nature that milly has; she who refused to back out constantly, even after having expressed she was terrified, she still stayed, so wolfwood knows that if meryl leaves, then milly would too. he prods meryl, reminds her there’s another life aside from her own she’d be risking if she stayed. 

after he wakes up and leaves the bar, he runs into zazie who just drops off a message from knives, as though to taunt him any further lmfao... it’s relevant that zazie shows up here considering wolfwood’s recent meeting with the rest of the gung-hos. zazie in particular is a complacent neutral party amidst the conflict, willing to see things through for knives / legato as long as the worms can be left alone.

one of the funniest lines ever to be delivered to wolfwood, “You’re a scary one. Almost like Bluesummers.” i laugh every time i see it. 

but anyway, as stated by wolfwood, he recognizes that the point in conflict has reached far enough that what he does doesn’t necessarily matter anymore. sure, he’ll still keep to his job, but vash is going to end up at knives doorstep no matter what, especially with his recent recollection of july. wolfwood recognizes the minor part he plays, he recognizes how small he is amidst the overarching battle between the twins. i think this realization influences his dream too, being that he had rebelled and felt hope that the orphanage would be left alone, but still, the orphanage can’t avoid the fate that would fall on humanity as a whole. regardless, they would be caught up in what knives does.

then we get to this insane flashback, this Gorgeously illustrated first meeting between wolfwood and knives that haunts me every day of my life. i just want to appreciate this page for a minute, art wise... the tubes forming the composition throughout the panels, trapping wolfwood, encaging him despite him being the one standing over knives. i like how that’s emphasized with the overlap on the top panels and the gun he holds is so small in the bottom right panel. in the bottom left panel, it’s a perspective shot from wolfwood’s eyes, the gun trained onto knives chest (i think compositionally, it just looks cooler which is potentially why it isn’t aimed at knives’ head, but i can also think wolfwood might’ve lost the resolved to kill knives already from fear alone and thus, his gun was lowered.) 

also i feel like not only did knives’ presence halt wolfwood but the medical equipment strung to knives might’ve triggered a terrible memory for wolfwood too, considering his experimentation. 

above is from ch. 50. 

but the focus of this flashback is in knives’ otherworldliness and how despite wolfwood managing to get so far to be face to face with knives, he could not pull the trigger from fear alone. and wolfwood has this humane reaction every time he comes close to death which is a resurgence of a will to live; he feels it in this moment with knives, he feels death closing in on him despite him being the one with the trigger at his finger and knives against the ground. 

above from chapter 6.

from the knives flashback, we can see the lack of choice that wolfwood had at that moment. the lack of choice in the mission given to him, the lack of choice in being able to shoot at all. it solidified him into the position where he is today and quelled the rebellion he dreamt of. 

from his nightmares to the meeting with zazie to this flashback, remembering knives and his presence and comparing that fear to vash, him remembering the last time he felt that fear from vash at all... although he’s always known vash to be an “other” from humans, when faced with the actuality of it, he starts to think more on their differences and kind of distant himself mentally from vash? by calling him a monster and “the one who can save humankind”, honing in on his inhumane side. he knows vash, but wolfwood is thinking from the memories of knives, he’s thinking from his feelings of fear in that moment with vash, and he probably feels so small, not capable of anything beyond doing his job. as a reminder, this is what he thinks during that scene, similar feelings to how he felt with knives imo although vash’s anger is transformed into outer and inner, almost like he’s trying to kill that anger he holds to upkeep his resolve to not kill.

and in the moment of deep pondering, with brilliant timing, vash calls out to him.

no matter how many times i see this page, i explode with so much emotion. to stay on topic, this panel of vash sitting leisurely on top of a rooftop has a lot of elements to it. the moon he blew a hole into shown right behind him, an ever present reminder of his destructive powers which wolfwood, no doubt, is remembering it distinctively in this moment. but i loooove love how this page contrasts the one with knives. this scene following is just parallels to wolfwood's memory of knives and while in his confrontation of knives, wolfwood was trapped in both a physical and internal sense. the positions being different too, where wolfwood hovered over knives but still remained below in a hierarchical sense while now, vash is above him physically and wolfwood looks up towards him. considering wolfwood's thoughts so far, the positioning is reflective of that. but considering their space, the openness, outside, the expansive sky behind vash alongside the moon, there's so much freedom in where they're both standing. wolfwood is constrained beneath the thoughts he has, his worries, but he has freedom to move around vash and yet wolfwood chooses to go up to meet him.

now i can derail and go a little insane over their expressions here, IDK. im VERY vw-pilled, so excuse me, but VASH'S LOOK TO WOLFWOOD?? "You're a bit of a night owl, huh?" it’s just a plain observation really, the casual nature in how he converses with wolfwood, something he’d recognize over the course of their journey... this also isn’t the ONLY time they’ve met under the moon, they did so in multiple bullets too. gay ass moon couple... whatever... i’ve also seen people note that vash is fake smiling here and perhaps. some days, i can believe that because he is just so goddamn sad during this time, but i also like to think it’s genuine. maybe prior to seeing wolfwood, he was neutrally observing the on going events in the town, but the moment he saw wolfwood strolling about in deep thought, he’s just like “oh, wolfwood! :]” Just being a little happy to not be alone for the night. 

it’s a small detail, but i like how nightow incorporates these side missions into the chapter’s arc and the overall theme in little ways. because it’s been these yin-yang brothers that’s been making trouble since the last chapter and in this moment, vash watching these two brothers bringing down mayhem on a peaceful town.

alongside this page, we see wolfwood’s steady approach, vash’s back turned to him as they chitchat before wolfwood quietly

positioned the same way as before, the gun held to a twin that’s positioned lower and wolfwood looks down. 

aside from how beautiful he is, i like how wolfwood holds a resolute gaze. he probably feels he has the upper hand, Knows it in some way because vash is seemingly defenseless. if he wanted to, he can shoot. 

meanwhile, vash just Looks tired. not necessarily sorrowful, to me, he just looks exhausted. from the many clues later in this chapter, i think the reader can clue in that vash definitely knew wolfwood pointed a gun at him. whether it’s sorrow, a sense of betrayal, or nonchalance is unclear. i think vash might’ve knew wolfwood wouldn’t pull the trigger and if he had, i think vash would’ve felt resigned to it. vash understands the reason why wolfwood kills; in all his instances of killing, it’s been for the sole purpose to protect. when he killed rai-dei, it was to protect vash. when he killed gray, he was doing his part in protecting vash’s home which vash had entrusted to him. there’s tons of thoughts that goes through wolfwood’s head when he does kill and what it means to him personally, but to vash, wolfwood has never killed for a selfish reason so when wolfwood points a gun at him, if he has intentions to kill, there would be a reason that vash understands considering his own beliefs on protecting humanity. i think at the end of it though, he knew wolfwood wouldn’t shoot him.

and wolfwood doesn’t pull the trigger. his hand doesn’t shake, there are no sweat marks on his face, he’s not afraid at all. with a soundless mind, he decides not to shoot. it’s important that we get wolfwood’s thoughts because it’s not as if he has any particular doubts in his own abilities. to wolfwood, if he put a bullet through vash’s head, he may die, he may be immobilized to be easier to kill, etc etc but ultimately, he chooses not to. just prior to meeting vash, he was already riddled with the memory of his rebellions amounting to nothing, so if he had “killed” vash (just like how he had “killed” chapel before), he’d still have to face knives and he’s already experienced once what going against knives was like. he can’t do it, wolfwood wouldn’t be able to kill knives and there would be nothing to ultimately gain from killing vash. 

naturally, i think we can also conclude the “reasonable” reasons aren’t the only things keeping him from shooting vash. it’ll be mentioned later, but what wolfwood thinks vs what he does can be fundamentally different because sometimes, wolfwood Just isn’t fully aware of how he acts, doesn’t know it. i think that’s part of the reason we don’t get his thoughts here when he lowers his gun, because he doesn’t know, he doesn’t understand why he can’t shoot vash either. if i had to reason it, it would be what i said before and that’s how i view how wolfwood might reason it, but that isn’t all of it. <-- this thought will be continued later.

i always found it funny how vash looks back because i’m sure he sensed something was weird about how quiet wolfwood was and how nothing was happened, so he just looks at him like “???”

wolfwood hits him with the reminder again of what to keep his focus on, as he usually does, and it’s ironic of him to say “It’ll be pointless if ya get yerself killed before ya meet him.”, having pointed a gun at him literally 2 seconds ago. 

anyway, as the story progresses, the yin-yang brothers has started to blow shit up and vash, ever so involved, runs after to stop them. wolfwood, diligent, runs after vash. 

i don’t have a lot to note but i like how vash is called a pretty boy. he is the prettiest boy. the page after this, they basically try to run him over, but vash sidesteps just in time to avoid that and turns towards the car to shoot at them. turns out though, the brother hopped off the car and appeared behind to hurl these sharp thingies at vash’s vulnerable back. please read the next 3 beautiful pages carefully

this sequence is just So well done. it’s very simple to bring back the hard ass table that wolfwood had woken up on and smacked his hand hard against at the start of this chapter, a purposefully strong table made to withstand drunkards... but it was pulled into the fight, to cover that split second to defend vash before wolfwood himself makes it to him. it’s important to note that vash doesn’t even look at wolfwood here. he’s not the least surprised, he’s still keeping his eyes directly on the tank. he does briefly look at the enemy behind him on the previous page for one panel, but i think that glance may have been targeted at the table wolfwood threw. i say this because vash moves fast and if he had wanted to target the yinyang brother behind him, he would’ve shot him already. 

the both of them focus on the targets they’re aiming at. vash with his gun can’t break the armor of the tank and wolfwood’s punisher isn’t made for a single target unless he wanted to pulverized the dude with bullets and his aim won’t be precise with the punisher either. they’re mainly talking to themselves on this page, but the fact they don’t even say anything to each other, only giving a single glance before...

changing positions immediately -- understanding where the other had lacked in, understanding what they themselves would be capable of doing and what the other could not... like.... wolfwood quickly changing the punisher’s form to activate the torpedo to take care of the armored up tank and vash quickly getting aim on the yinyang brother the moment he turns around. in just fighting together, it communicated everything we needed to know about their teamwork. and taking into consideration how they’ve been fighting alone for their entire lives only to flawlessly come together as a team despite that... they’ve developed a trust on each other, a trust i think vash is relatively aware of at this point, but wolfwood hadn’t realized it.

i’m saying that because of his expression here lmfao 

i think wolfwood can be pretty slow on realizing things for himself. i think for vash, he’s already built a recognition that wolfwood was going to be following him, that wolfwood would be there to protect his back, and i think that feeling stems from personal trust, considering how often wolfwood has done that for him already and i think a bit of that is also vash being aware that wolfwood has a job he’s upkeeping to protect/keep an eye on vash, so he’d expect wolfwood to upkeep that too.

on wolfwood’s end, he turns back to vash immediately, realizing that he had left his own back unattended. wolfwood knows vash, he understands the kind of person he is, but he was still anxious because of all the thoughts he held up throughout this chapter. i don’t think wolfwood’s trust in vash was purposeful prior this chapter and really, there wasn’t any particular scene that showed him trusting vash outright because wolfwood has always moved pretty independently throughout the arcs. it tended to be vash putting his faith in wolfwood instead while wolfwood himself was still trying to figure out where he stood with vash. but through battle, through the nonverbal communication and through instincts, i think that provides a lot of context of how his trust is ingrained instinctually and how despite what he states, what he thinks for himself, he internally already knows otherwise that he would never be able to harm vash, that he has already deeply sided with him.

when the fight is over, vash immediately disarms himself, thanks wolfwood, and his back is once again bare, turned towards wolfwood, vulnerable and full of trust. it’s intentional in how vash shows his trust towards wolfwood and wolfwood, processing, realizing that in full... how despite all of his worries, his fears, pondering about how this monster was going to save humanity, he’s ultimately just looking back at someone who’s grown so close to him. and i think this page is wolfwood coming to realize what his relationship with vash has become. overall, this chapter just feels like the moment when wolfwood has come to be honest and frank with himself on where his allegiance lies. in the previous arc, midvalley came at him constantly about who he was betraying and i think wolfwood was like “what the fuck is he talking about” for a good portion of it up until this chapter. 

a lot of what wolfwood had to tackle that previous arc was where he stood in the crossfire. being a gung-ho after having killed “chapel” and stolen his spot which in turn led him to working under knives directly which led him to become vash’s guide, merely a job to be his guide until it no longer was just a job. he has a lot in common with midvalley, both being assassins, both having a heart that lied elsewhere and not in line with knives or legato. they both acted out, betrayed before, and midvalley himself mentioned how the twins were beyond them, higher beings while they were mere insects, or something along those lines... which wolfwood basically echoes similar sentiments here. when midvalley died, he most likely saw a reflection of himself. when he comes before midvalley’s grave, he thinks on that, the “can’t make a stand, even with those fangs of yours”, thinking of betrayal that comes about in his dreams. he knows for certainty that he wants to protect the orphanage; beyond that, i don’t think wolfwood believed he sided with anyone at the beginning of chapter 35. it’s a realization he makes steadily throughout the course of it and only when he’s back to back with vash does he realize he’s already sided with him whether he wanted to or not.

the chapters in vol 6, from all these different perspectives, they all end up concluding something new about vash, something they realize from what they’ve observed of vash in the previous arc and in person. meryl recognizes that vash’s fears and shame won’t stop him from shooting his gun. legato recognizing the significance of if vash could collect all the coins that becomes prevalent in chapter 80s. knives realizing that vash is already in the process of dying due to the black hair. milly seeing vash’s muddled up expression, the smiling facade he holds automatically when he doesn’t know what to do and gets a glimpse into the loneliness he feels.

the significance of wolfwood coming to terms with his feelings of vash makes his actions in vol 8 all the more meaningful and comprehendible. granted, i think throughout the previous chapters, we can all sense this sort of change in wolfwood and how much he cares about vash and all that... but i think the trust that wolfwood solidifies in vash goes beyond personal sentiments. after all, i think wolfwood having saved vash in vol 8 is because he trusted vash would be capable of saving humanity and that trust was enough for him to risk his own life... despite being afraid of dying, despite not being Ready to die, despite his own personal doubts and uncertainties and the echo of rebellions falling into ruins, he still went forth to save vash for the sake of humanity and he trusts that vash, despite his lonesome for those 7 months, would be resolute enough to stop knives. --> i’m saying “for the sake of humanity” because that’s just relevant with his thoughts in this chapter. him freeing vash has multitudes of layers that’s both personal and selfless to the fault, but that’s for another post.

and the final light hearted page in this chapter, where they chit chat a bit casually. i feel like every time we see wolfwood in his off time, he’s always eating something/discussing eating, which is kind of cute. he’s on top of his meals!! and of course, one of the best panels for millymeryl, the utter destruction and devastation in that house and meryl looking like she definitely Did not sleep from the chaos (and probably due to her own nightmares too) while milly is refreshed... they’re the cutest ever. 

anyway, that was the last page so that means this chapter is finished! the way this chapter went full circle in regards to wolfwood’s thoughts, how all of his worries eventually led to a resolution to his feelings about vash... i think wolfwood’s point of view is always a gift to explore because his thoughts sometimes conflict to the resolution he comes to, especially when it comes to vash. wolfwood never had a presence like vash in his life, never known someone so different but still so similar to him. it’s all very new, so i think wolfwood’s circling thoughts, confusion, and the eventual choices he make when it comes to vash is a precious insight that i’m Very grateful towards nightow for.

i don’t know how to conclude this, but that’s all i have to observe! i hope it’s understandable what i mean when i say this chapter feels like an arc of itself and yet, it’s still so perfectly entwine with the rest of the plot. wolfwood’s thoughts here are not foreign, his development doesn’t come from nothing; it’s all a steady progression and i think it’s valuable for all the decisions he ultimately makes in the future chapters.

[phaerlax]

you as the WolfBoyGuy and me as someone who has just recently seen the puppy light, do you have any tips or what you'd consider Required Reading to get a good grip on writing wolf boys? moreso karu than garu just because i personally have a hard time writing dudes with as much bluster and "doesn't tend to default to conventionally agreed on niceties". i have (admittedly mild) torments I'd like to put him through >_>

Anon is asking me about blorbo... I have been training for this for so long... behold now the ramblings of a man possessed by two wolves. I'll talk a bit about how I approach writing Karu and then include some curated recs.

It took me some time to really get going on wolfboy fics; I also found it challenging to handle Karu's characterization. Two big reasons why:

Tsunderes are just difficult to do if you're grounded in realism. It's a very 'anime' archetype and people don't behave quite like that. This makes it harder to naturally reach for reasonable/appropriate responses when putting the character in situations. The big want/think/say/do splits can also complicate straightforward scenarios (e.g. the character wants something and does what he needs to do in order to get it. This path is often closed to the tsundere).

The game gives little insight into Karu's inner world. NU: Carnival is very dialogue-heavy in its narrative. When we do get introspection, it's often Eiden-focused. This means we basically never get to see the thought process that leads Karu to act this way or that, except in the rare instances in which he talks to himself (like in some H scenes when he goes "ugh it feels so good but-").

The style that I ended up developing for my angry wolf boy writings follows these principles:

Keep him silly. This is because I fundamentally see Karu as a comical character. Yeah, his personality can be traced back to traumas and there's a lot of interesting stuff to explore in that regard, but I am not personally interested in that tbh. The reason I love him is the wacky nonsense and ridiculous behavior that we see in the game. It was at first sight for me. I didn't need depth and I still don't XD Any advice and references I provide are skewed by that. I have a preference for almost never taking him seriously.

Mind his 'narrativization' tendencies. Karu is comically very enamored by the idea/narrative that he's a mighty warrior with many great skills who will conquer humanity and who should be respected and served. On some level, he knows this isn't entirely true, so he will sometimes (try to) avoid situations that would bring attention to his shortcomings. But most often he's trying to prove himself and get others to share his narrative. When something or someone reinforces the narrative, he gets proud, pleased or happy-flustered. When something or someone goes against the narrative, he gets annoyed and angry-flustered. He is very good at ignoring reality, however. Even though he'll seemingly take exception to every little slight, he moves on very quickly and pretends nothing happened. And though he's stubborn, he's also willing to surrender, cut his losses and 'try another day' when he's foiled.

Mix his narrativization with the narration a lot. This kind of free indirect discourse is just my style in general, but with Karu I find myself using it more intensely, to such an extent that the narration can get quite dialogue-like in how it expresses his thoughts. When I want to portray a 'tsundere stumble' moment, I sometimes make the narration interrupt itself as Karu consciously aborts a line of thinking that would lead him to unacceptable conclusions.

Let him just be rude for no reason and with little consequence. Karu's default way of addressing and dealing with people (other than Kuya) is rudeness. At best, he attempts some form of condescension in which the reason he's doing something 'nice' is because you're so weak and he's so awesome or whatever. Most characters seem to simply not mind his behavior and, again, it's usually played for laughs anyway.

Bibliography of Karu Studies

Keep in mind that many Karu fics are kuyaru, and Karu in kuyaru is quite different from the core of the character, since he's uniquely eager to please Kuya. Still, even kuyarus can have some nice insight.

who let the dogs out has a lot of juicy Karu inner conflict, and it even explores the ways in which such hangups make him outwardly grumpier. Due to kuyaru, it ultimately leads him to a place of submission, but his initial thoughts are very in-character.

Baser Instincts is a kuyaru in which Kuya gets to see the pups in a new light, because they help him in a difficult situation. It's another great source of inspiration for Karu struggling to express his feelings.

Bow Down! explores how he might react to Eiden letting him top, in a very true-to-character way.

Lonely at the Top is Karu/Dante, which means you get to see Karu at his prickliest and most insufferable, and how that can be managed.

A Matter of Pride is a good example of the 'concessions' dynamic that can be done in Eiden/Karu.

Goshujin-Ai is an older Karu/Yakumo and a good example of Karu feeling comfortable and doing the 'attempts at condescension' thing I mentioned before.

Slave number one, rub my chest again is me speculating on what it might look like for Karu to ask Eiden to do things to him and try to control sex.

Warden slander wolf Commander is probably a good example of the 'fine I give up but I'll get you next time' potential of Karu, as well as the kind of bleed-heavy narration I talked about.

Master, do you have another wolf besides me?! delves into Karu's potential for jealousy as a way of expressing affection. It's pretty canon-compliant because most of it is adapted from NEON Carnival.

There are many other fics in the Karufic Archive, but I think the ones above are among the best for the purposes of thinking about the writing.

Please feel free to talk to me non-anonymously if you ever want to discuss wolf boy content! As you can see I am cursed with thoughts and need places to put them. I'm also always very happy to do anything that I can to shepherd and sponsor GaruKaru content; if you go ahead with your impulse to write about them (please do) and want a beta reader, don't hesitate to ask~

[thebookdragonshoard]

August Reading Recap

I read 8 books this month, here they are in order and with ratings + short thoughts. ✨

No Longer Human - Osamu Dazai

5/5 ⭐️ - A long, beautifully written suicide note and introspection to the human condition. I originally picked this book up because of Bungou Stray Dogs and now I’m so glad I did. This book sucker punched me, stole my glasses, and called me a little bitch. Yozo Oba’s struggles with his own humanity, or his believed lack thereof, rang a little too true in my heart. I loved the cynicism Dazai was able to write with while also keeping this poignant. After researching Dazai’s past a bit after finishing this book. I cried. Will definitely be rereading this book again, it’s one of my all-time favorites.

The Hunger Games - Suzanne Collins

4.5/5⭐️ - This was my first time reading The Hunger Games, despite being 20yo and this book being a staple in the lives of many in my generation. I only wish I read it sooner. Panem being based on the American Government, the muttations at the very end of the games (seriously wtf), Peeta’s leg. My jaw was on the floor.

The Nature of Witches - Rachel Griffin

4/5⭐️ - I read this in one sitting. I was falling into a reading slump and this book dragged me right out of it. I enjoyed how the main character’s personality and outlook would change with each season as her powers shifted. A very good fall read, in my opinion. I also enjoyed how this book was a commentary on climate change and the effect humans are having on the world.

The Setting Sun - Osamu Dazai

5/5⭐️ - Another five star read for the month. courtesy of Osamu Dazai. once again. He is quickly becoming a favorite of mine. The snake analogy in this book. I am STILL thinking about it a week and a half later. I again love the cynical despair Dazai is capable of portraying while also making this a book that can speak to people of multiple backgrounds, regardless of class. age, gender, or even era. It’s a book that had an impact nearly 80 years ago, and it’s a book that still has an impact now.

The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath

4/5⭐️ - The fig tree analogy kidnapped me, threw me in the trunk of its car, ran over said car with a monster truck, and then tossed the wreckage into the Mariana Trench. Great read that gives insight into the uncertainty of life, especially as a young woman, and the distorted views of the world that can lead to. One girl’s struggle with her place in the world and what she’ll do with her life accompanied by her experience in an asylum and receiving electroshock therapy. However, the ending did leave me a bit unsatisfied with how abrupt and open-ended it was. I have more thoughts on the fig tree analogy posted on my feed, if you’re interested.

Rashomon and Other Stories - Ryunoske Akutagwa

3.5/5⭐️ - Not going to lie. this was a bit of a let down. I’m not usually a short stories kind of girl, but I picked this up because of Bungou Stray Dogs. For the most part, this collection of short stories didn’t have much that stood out to me, but the stories inside are still enjoyable. I found them enjoyable, relatively easy-to-digest short stories and while I admittedly didn’t understand the underlying concept for some of them, I enjoyed them nonetheless. I particularly liked In A Grove and The Martyr (poor Lorenzo.)

Good Girl, Bad Blood - Holly Jackson

3.5/5⭐️ - If you’ve seen my previous posts, it should come as no shocker that I’m not a huge fan of this series. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that it’s bad! I found it to be an enjoyable read, but I only really started getting into when the plot twist rolled around in the last 50 pages or so. I think all the hype for this series, and this book, gave me such high expectations that the reality didn’t quite compare. However, I did read the American version. We love Stanley Forbes though and that was certainly a tear-jerker.

Seraphina - Rachel Hartman

5/5⭐️ -Once again, another five star read! I love dragons, hence the blog name. And this book was such a unique take on dragons in fantasy that I found it quite refreshing! This book quickly sucked me in and had me falling for the characters in less than 400 pages. Court politics, forbidden love, music, and draconian governments. Plus, a look into the complexities, intricacies, and maladies of emotions. And just how human are they?

✨bonus review✨

I couldn’t finish this post without also including a review for the sequel to Seraphina, which I started the first day of September and finished tonight.

Shadow Scale - Rachel Hartman

5/5⭐️ - Are we surprised by this rating? Well, we shouldn’t be. Once again: dragon lover. With the sequel go Seraphina, we get to dive further into the world of draconian politics and explore the world this wonderful duology is set in. Another thing this book does well is the representation and diversity amongst the characters. SPOILER: There’s even a dash of polyamory sprinkled in with the main character, and as a fellow polyam, this made my heart SOAR. This duology has thoroughly enamoured me and I will never regret spending the $4 at the thrift store to purchase them both. By far my favorite thrifted books to date.

[vigilantejustice]

sometimes i think there’s definitely something like. diagnosably wrong with my personality + the more i examine my childhood the more i’m convinced there’s an explanation.

got gifted a guidebook for the sims that had a SUPER detailed multi-generational tutorial playthrough which was just a cool way to highlight all the fun new mechanics of the game but kid me followed this tutorial with complete unwavering rigidity every time and felt like i was somehow playing the sims (a game with literally no rules) wrong or that it didn’t count if i didn’t follow the guide letter for letter what kind of...

[victorromeofox-blog]

VRF Website and Community

VRF Website and Community - Soft Opening Coming Soon!

I've been a little less active here in the last little bit, but have been working behind the scenes to build up the VRF website and planning around community-building.  I'm just about ready to start opening the site to semi-public access and start inviting trusted people to the Discord within the next week!  There is some information below introducing some of the content and features of the site and Discord server.  Please contact me (Ask or email preferred) if you would like access - I recommend reading the rest of this post before you do, but it is not required.

If you’re looking to better understand BDSM and kink, participate in a community of rational, respectful, and conscientious kink practitioners, and contribute to protecting, uplifting, and helping others - while still enjoying some fantasies - you are exactly the type of person who would be a great fit for this space.

If you’re “just here for the porn”, this website and community are not going to be what you’re looking for.  They are specifically a pushback against that very mentality, and the rampant toxicity and problematic discourse in the online BDSM/kink space, especially CNC kink, and your needs will be better met elsewhere.  Same goes for those who are just out to get nudes, roleplay online, organize hookups, or find a submissive - there are other spaces geared toward that.

In the meantime, I'd like to explain what this all means to me, where VRF is headed next, and what factors I'm taking into consideration as I continue.  This is going to be a fairly reflective post - almost like a letter of intent - but I'm putting it out there primarily for transparency and also for those of you who want some insight into my thoughts and process.

VRF - A Quick Recap

When I started VRF in 2015, I didn't really have a goal.  I was just looking to curate the kinds of porn I enjoyed the most on Tumblr and occasionally added some captions that came to mind as I did - and accidentally cultivated a sizeable following.  As the blog grew and began to have more interactions with others on the network, I realized that I couldn't stay in-persona all the time - not without sending a potentially dangerous message - so I started answering asks and giving advice out of character, as myself.  These "real" interactions, as well as the reality checks that kept rolling in, set the tone for what VRF would become - and made me feel much more comfortable with running a blog featuring questionable content.

I stepped away from the blog and went on hiatus in 2016; I saw a sharp rise in hateful, bigoted, and violent voices online and no longer felt comfortable that my posts would remain firmly in the realm of fantasy for the majority of readers.  Although the original @violent-rape-fantasies was terminated in 2019, I made a fairly complete backup of the entire blog before it went down.  I returned in late 2020 to start again from scratch, try to rebuild my following, and reconnect with the community - that effort was terminated by Tumblr in 2021, leading me to the two blogs I currently have (@VictorRomeoFox-blog / @violent-rape-fantasies-2​) and to create a self-hosted website containing the original VRF archives with major quality-of-life improvements to the Tumblr experience.

This process made me consider what my goals are for VRF, how I want to achieve them, and what promises I make to the community as part of that journey.  

VRF - Mission and Values

VRF's mission is to be a safe, inclusive, and collaborative space that promotes affirmative consent, healthy relationships, and conscientious kink, where consenting adults can explore their kinks, enjoy fictional fantasies, and uplift one another without overbearing guilt or shame.

Let me quickly break some of this down:

safe: I want people to feel comfortable consuming and interacting with me and my content - not only the kinks and acts depicted in the fantasies, but in the entirety of the space that VRF projects, including knowing that their personhood, privacy, anonymity, and emotional safety are important to me.

inclusive: although I focus primarily on male-on-female scenarios, people from all walks of life are welcome so long as they are good citizens of the community and conscientious kink practitioners.  This also means rejecting hate, bigotry, and willful ignorance.

collaborative: VRF is discursive, both in-persona and out-of-character; the content and direction I take is often influenced by the conversations I have with followers, the asks and submissions I receive, and the state of the community as I see it.  I want to always be in conversation with the community to understand its needs and goals so that I can better meet them.

affirmative consent: as discussed in a previous post, I highlight affirmative consent because it centers around positive action as opposed to consent, which can be a passive state.  I believe this is critical for conscientious kink.

healthy relationships: the relationships we hold shape who we are, who we become, and how we interact with the world around us.  I believe that healthy relationships build healthier, happier lives - this concerns all relationships, from friendships to families to romantic or sexual partnerships.  I have seen less emphasis in this community on relationships, and interpersonal interactions in general, and think that this is a major oversight.

conscientious kink: kink can be dangerous or harmful when not practiced with care and consideration - not just for physical health, but for mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being.  It requires reflection, introspection, and communication in order to form intentionality - the understanding behind what you do, how you do it, and why you do it.

reducing guilt: this is one of the concerns I get most often from followers - how to reconcile their guilt for enjoying consensual non-consent, and whether it is morally wrong or an indication that something is wrong with them.  I believe that CNC, like most kinks, can be practiced in a conscientious way to reduce and mitigate the potential dangers, but that it requires consistent effort, education, and research.

Aside from these, I identified values which are important for me to maintain in order to meet the mission.  Some of them are:

transparency: I try to be as transparent as I can, while maintaining my privacy and anonymity, so that people know that I have nothing to hide.  I cannot build a safe space without building trust, and I can’t build trust without being honest and transparent.

leadership by example: if I am positioning myself as a resource and giving advice to others, I must embody the values I put forward and lead by example, not by words; otherwise, what I say is worthless and lacks substance.

data- and research-driven: I want to provide people with a deeper understanding of themselves and their kinks; while anecdotal information can at times be helpful, I want the things I posit to have weight and justification behind them.  This means an intersection of data, research, and analysis around all of the factors involved, including moral philosophy, psychology, sociology, and biology.

care and patience: these kinks are difficult and hurtful to some people, and confusing or conflicting to others.  I need to be caring, considerate, and patient in order for people to feel comfortable engaging with my content and interacting with me.

contextualized: these kinks and fantasies don’t exist in a vacuum and must be contextualized in order to remain conscientious of the relationship it maintains to the real world.  This means that I don’t want fantasies misrepresented as reality or reality misconstrued as fantasy, and the onus is on me to ensure that followers are seeing both sides of the equation.

quality over quantity: I have a limited amount of time that I can dedicate to VRF work, and want to make the best possible use of that time.  I want to focus on high-quality content, both in-persona fantasies and out-of-character advice, research, and resources, without worrying about how much or how frequently I’m posting.  It also means that I care far less about the number of followers and viewers I have, and much more about whether I am cultivating the kind of followers that match my vision for VRF and its community.

There are other factors and values as well, but these are the biggest ones for me.  They drive how I present myself, how I interact with the community, and what kinds of content I put forth.

VRF Website - Content and Features

What does the website allow me to do that I couldn’t on Tumblr?

No censorship, frustrating filters, or threat of termination - I can focus on my content without running into blockers at every turn, or worrying that I’m going to lose all my work without warning.

Better content controls, organization, and layout - I can group posts logically and have different ways for users to access and view them instead of being one monolithic stream of posts.

Tagging and search - I’ve tagged my archive with kinks, features, toys, actions, positions, locations, and more to make it easier to both find content that you want to see and avoid content that you don’t.  The VRF site features granular search controls, including tag combinations, so you can engage with the site how you choose.

Random Post/Random Caption - sometimes, you’re in the mood to mix things up.  Instead of seeing a temporally-sorted feed of posts, you can go to a random post or caption from the menu bar.

Clear disclaimers and view control - instead of my content being blended into a sea of posts, which creates difficulty in carving out that safe cognitive space for engaging with these kinks or necessitates rapid context-switching, all of my posts will be in one central repository with clear disclaimers where I have control over how things are viewed.

The VRF Archive - the content from the original @violent-rape-fantasies blog have been restored to the VRF website.

There are some downsides, of course - like the lack of network discovery, limited server space and resources, cost, maintenance, and effort.  But the benefits greatly outweigh the additional overhead.

VRF Community

What’s the VRF Discord community all about?

This is a new idea I’m playing with - I’m not new to Discord or community management, but combining that with VRF is a new endeavor for me.  Since I’m going to be shifting my focus from Tumblr to the VRF website, some of those network and community interactions from Tumblr will move to Discord instead, such as interacting with followers, taking requests, feedback, and suggestions, and delving deeper into kink philosophy, fantasy, and practice.

I’ve set up the Discord in a way that different sections can be partitioned - like general discussion, BDSM/kink discussion, CNC fantasies, member content (submissions), and so on.  The different sections are accessible to different levels of membership and verification to maintain that safe, inclusive, and collaborative space.  For example, agreeing to the rules and guidelines gives you access to the general discussion section; verifying your age gives you access to BDSM- and kink-related sections; and being an active and trusted member who contributes to the server over time gets you access to the private sections.

This will also be a much easier way to get in contact with me, and keep the majority of my interactions with the community in one place, instead of hunting across Tumblr messenger for both my accounts, Asks, Twitter, Discord DMs, Telegram, Kik, and email.

VRF - Next Steps and Future Work

In the next few weeks, the VRF website and Discord community will soft-open and move toward general opening.  This is a new direction for me, but after assessing my priorities and goals, it is the solution best suited for what I want to achieve.  I will continue to use Tumblr, but will likely be focusing the majority of my time on the website and Discord.

The mission and values I’ve identified leave quite a bit of room to explore various ways to express these kinks and share knowledge.  I’m not hard-set on VRF being a blog with porn and captions, and could see changes or pivots in the future.  I would love for this work to be able to generate some modest revenue in the future in order to cover basic operating costs, support survivors of abuse as well as kink education and safety, and commission custom content.  As an aside, if you read all of this, please start your request for access with the word “potato” in all caps to let me know you got this far.

I also want to move toward a more ethical and sustainable model of captions and fantasies.  My first step toward this is in creating gifs myself and fully crediting the source, which I started doing when I returned from hiatus.  Concurrently, I am working with my partner, who is an artist, to develop illustrations and animations to accompany captions instead of commercial pornography - we’re still in the R&D phase for this, but hope to share some early content soon (including a fantasy and sketch that we’re working on to accompany a follower submission).  Ideally, we would be able to collaborate with submitters and sex workers to create fully original, credited, and compensated content - but that’s a huge stretch goal for the future.

We are also considering other formats for fantasy and knowledge delivery, including a visual novel format or interactive media (i.e., games) if the art development turns out well and proves sustainable.  We’re both fairly busy people in our personal and professional lives, and in situations where we have to maintain a fairly strict separation between kink involvement and our everyday lives, so carving out time for VRF work is challenging at times!

I look forward to seeing folks on the VRF website and Discord community soon!

[goneseriesanalysis]

Drake Merwin

I am soo sorry, this is super late but I got incredibly distracted with reading and forgot that literally anything else existed. Drake was a really hard character for me to analyse because his characterisation was just so disappointing to me - but luckily my intrinsic desire to have everyone hear my opinions prevailed, and so here it is. I hope you enjoy!!

Spoiler Warning: Major spoilers for Gone, Minor spoilers for the rest of the series and the monster trilogy 

Old Opinion: I had a sort of morbid obsession with Drake and thought he was a top-tier villain

New Opinion: So far Drake is tied with Astrid for most-changed opinion. His character has almost no-depth and could be placed in almost any story without changing a single thing about him - and it would make sense. I found myself desperately trying to make him more interesting than he is in an attempt to justify younger me’s obsession - but alas I was unsuccessful. He had a lot of potential, but instead he ended up as a copy-paste villain with no realistic motivations and no real intrigue. 

1.) DRAKE’S APPEARANCE:

Drake is, I think, the character who is best (as in most thoroughly) described in the first book. Not only do we get an idea of his actual appearance beyond the vaguest possible descriptions (sorry to Sam, Caine, Diana and every minor character) but we also get some idea as to the effect his appearance has on other people.  

In Chapter 14, when we are first introduced to the Coates kids, Drake is described as, “a smiling, playful, mean-eyed kid with shaggy, sandy-coloured hair.” I actually really like this description. Contrasting “smiling” and “playful” with “mean” really brilliantly sets Drake up to be a complex villain – the kind of villain we all love to hate, who cracks a joke while slitting your throat. It has the implication of a layered personality but sadly, this is not the villain we get. In fact his character in the first chapter compared to the character we get as the book continues is so drastically different that it almost seems like mg did a complete 180 on his character. An original description is supposed to give us some indication as to what a character is like – their personality and role in the story, and we know that mg can do this really well. (Sam’s non-descript description setting him up to be the underdog, Quinn’s mismatched attire hinting at his inability to fit in, Astrid’s colour scheme reflecting her innocence and religiosity), and so it seems particularly odd, not to mention disappointing, that Drake’s description gives us…nothing. No real indication as to who he is or his purpose other than to hint to him being an antagonist (which we already guessed from his affiliation with Caine.) I could go on and on about what a waste Drake’s character was, but I’ll save it for a later paragraph.

We will then skip ahead to Chapter 37 where both Howard and Lana describe a similarity between Drake and Pack Leader:

“The one time she had seen Drake Merwin. He had made her think of Pack Leader: strong, hyper alert, dangerous. Now, the lean physique looked gaunt, the shark’s grin was a tight grimace, his eyes were red-rimmed. His stare, once languidly menacing, was now intense, burning hot. He looked like someone who had been tortured beyond endurance.”

“The two of them, two of a kind, it seemed to Howard, stared holes into each other.”

This is a much better example of mg using descriptions to establish the purpose of a character. By drawing a comparison between these two, mg sets up Drake’s later role in the books, where he replaces Pack Leader as the gaiphage’s right-hand man. This almost leads me to believe that mg had decided very early on that Drake was going to desert Caine and this is possibly why he seems so out of place and underdeveloped as Caine’s underling in the first two books. Mg had already moved on from this side of his character…and it shows. Lana’s description of Drake also works as a basis for showing the reader how he has changed since losing his arm (before gaining his whip) and acts as an insight into his current mental state – which is important as we don’t get much introspection during Drake’s POV’s. But, I still have a few issues with this. First of all, his “lean physique”. Now this isn’t really a problem all by itself, but unless I have forgotten what 14 year olds looks like (which is a possibility though I doubt it) I don’t think that they should be muscly with minimal body fat. And Drake is not the only character he does this with. Quinn gets extremely muscly later on in the books (I’ll admit that there is a plausible reason behind this so this example isn’t terrible but it’s mentioned like every 5 sentences) and in Fear Caine is described as having wash-board abs. Why are we sexualising children?? Children should be pudgy and awkward and still growing into their bodies, not lean and muscly!! The attractive, damaged man who hates women for no reason at all is also a really really really common trope and tbh I’m just so bored of it. It’s not relatable (at least it shouldn’t be) and it’s just really unimaginative – although it does help us to understand Drake’s character as we’ve seen him before so many times in all types of media. My second issue with this description is the way it really really highlights how much of a waste of character Drake was. The potential of a high-school bully with a skewed world-view due to the death of his father and the later abuse of his mother at the hands of his replacement father figure trying hard to impress the charming “leader” with unimaginable power (that he so desperately wants) only to be undermined at every turn by a girl who teases him by pointing out his flaws and insecurities taking his anger out on everyone around him (especially women) as a way to cope with his childhood traumas then turning into a heartless monster who not only enjoys others pain but lives for it after being “tortured beyond endurance”, was astronomical. But we don’t get that. Instead we get a cheesy, one-dimensional cartoon villain. The change that his body and mind go through after his maiming should have been pivotal to his character, but that just doesn’t come across in the writing. :/ But more on this later.

And last but not least, the whip-hand, which is very important to Drake’s character. It turns his actual body into a weapon and his excitement over this is indicative of his sadistic nature. Again, I think this is an example of a wasted opportunity. I would have liked mg to have gone in to depth about how Drake’s body undergoing this change affected his psyche (and I’m not counting his one-off line in the monster trilogy). I think it could be argued that Drake’s “change” is a metaphor for him going through puberty. Him gaining the whip that ultimately turned him into his very own weapon shows his transition from a child [a little messed up but still just a kid] into a monster, someone who is capable of committing atrocities without a second thought. It would have been particularly interesting for Drake and Orc’s final battle to put some focus on the fact that they both suffer through monstrous physical changes that can be used to represent their shift from children to young adults but whereas one relishes in this, one is completely disgusted. The whip-hand is described as being an “impossible blood-red snake” and then that “It was stretched. Like it had been turned into dark, blood-red taffy. It wrapped twice around his body.” – Both of these occurring in Chapter 39. I don’t have much to comment about this – other than that I think red is great colour choice for Drake, thematically at least.

I know this point was mostly about what Drake could have been as opposed to an actual analysis of his appearance, but I’m just so tired of the attractive misogynistic villain that seems to appear in every single piece of media. His characterisation really bummed me out and put me into a slump so instead of analysing his appearance I decided to roast him instead. But, onto actual analysis now (I am going to further expand on some of the points I made here I promise).

2.) DRAKE’S PERSONALITY AND CHARACTER

I mentioned in the previous point that a lot of Drake’s characterisation seems like an afterthought at best and one of the things that made me think this, is the inconsistencies with his character and the most obvious example of this is the discrepancies with his birthday. In chapter 20, Diana says that his birthday is “April twelfth, just one minute after midnight.” But, in Chapter 33 we get the line “Sooner would be better,’ Drake drawled, ‘what with me having a month.” This is a really small nit-pick, I know, but it just really bugs me that mg overlooked something as simple as a birthday – especially when birthdays are such an important plot point in this book. But anyway, moving on. I promise this whole review isn’t going to be negative.

Backtracking now to Chapter 14. Drake’s character here seems to differ quite drastically from his later characterisation. He seems here to be an example of the laughably evil trope, he has a kind of dry sarcastic humour that is quite fun and seems to lighten the tone of the story a little bit. Rather than showing us the boringly disgusting misogynistic villain that Drake turns out to be, we instead see a funny, charismatic character who seems to prefer picking on those who already have power – as is seen here:

“Drake paused halfway, turned back, and spoke for the first time. In an amused voice he said, ‘Oh, um, Captain Orc? Have your people – the ones who aren’t injured- line up outside. We’ll work out your… um, duties.’                                  With a grin that was almost a snarl, Drake added a cheerful, ‘Later’.” – Chapter 33

Now I understand that the reason we don’t see the real Drake here is because Sam is obviously not yet aware of his true personality – my issue lies in the fact that based on just this small excerpt here, I expected so much more from his character. We get hints of his sadistic nature here, with him joking about Cookie’s horrific injury and clearly taking joy in exerting power over Orc, but it is evenly balanced by the fact that he’s kind of amusing and we don’t really like Orc at this point anyway. Can we see that something isn’t quite right with him?? Yes. But do we kind of like him anyway?? Well I did. At this point. I would have really loved it if mg had carried on this idea of Drake abusing those who already have power – him enjoying to take down bully after bully so he can be King bully, instead of him picking on people who he perceives as weak and vulnerable. Mg relying on misogyny as a motivator is just really disappointing to me because there is no depth to it, and it’s pretty lazy. He hates Diana because she is a woman and he sees women as beneath him?? Weak. Over-used. Dull. He hates Diana because she has  power over Caine in a way that he never can, which makes him feel insecure in himself and the fragile sense of stability and power that he has struggled to cultivate within his damaged psyche?? Yes pls. Not only would this have made Drake a much more engaging character, but it would also have made his desertion of Caine in hunger much more impactful. And while I think there are aspects of this within his character, which I will go into later, I wish there had been more of it. Again, I’m sorry that this has become more of a “what could have been” rather than an analysis but there really is just so little to analyse without just pointing out obvious facts and statements. There’s no spice here :/

Moving on now to Chapter 16, where we as an audience, as well as the characters within the book, begin to realise what Drake truly is – an unhinged madman. We are told by Sam that Drake has been abusing his power as Sheriff – which particularly stands out as, so far at least, Drake is the only member of Coates who has shown this kind of behaviour (Caine is actually a pretty sound leader until he loses his shit and attacks Sam). And this is the first major distinction that we get between Caine and Drake and their capacity as villains in the story. Caine is a bad person who will do bad things to achieve his goals, he is power-hungry and ambitious but he is not needlessly violent. Everything he does he (in his own mind) is able to justify as it helps him to achieve his vision. Drake, on the other hand, doesn’t really seem to have an end goal. He is violent for the sake of being violent – he is a sadist who enjoys the suffering of other people as we see here, “Drake was more than a little scary. Kids who defied Drake or any of his so-called sheriff’s had been slapped, punched, pushed, knocked down or, in one case, dragged into a bathroom and given a swirlie. Fear of Drake was replacing fear of the unknown.” Now, we still don’t get to see the full extent of Drake’s madness here. Most of the crimes listed are pretty mundane bully things – they’re still wrong, but they aren’t life-threatening. He hasn’t bashed anyone’s head in with a baseball bat. While Caine is playing with politics, Drake seems unable to move past his role of high school bully. If he had played it right, the role of Sheriff would have been perfect for him. I mean, how many actual police officers get away with literal murder in the name of “upholding the law”?? But he is unable of seeing the bigger picture, unable to grow and fit the new world order as Caine does so naturally, and so, instead of properly taking on the role of Sheriff and building up his own authority in this way, he turns back to his tried and tested method – hurt them and they’ll fall in line.

I particularly enjoy this as I think it explains, a little bit more, why he hates Diana and Astrid so much. Now I know the bottom line is simply that he is a violent misogynist – but that doesn’t explain why he hates Diana and Astrid specifically. Is it because they’re both attractive women and he is unable to distinguish sex and violence in his head?? Partly yes, but then Taylor is also described as attractive (and most people find her annoying) and yet he doesn’t seem to hate her to this extent. I think the real reason he hates these two specifically, more than anyone else, is because he simply cannot understand them – and that scares him (although he is unwilling to admit it). Drake only knows how to gain power through violence – he sees this work at home, he used it on Holden, he used it to gain his reputation at Coates and, although he has the ability to gain authority in other ways, he continues to use this method even now in the FAYZ. Diana and Astrid cannot do this, they are not fit to fight, they are not able to use violence to assert their status – and yet they both have more power in the FAYZ than he does. They make him question his whole world view and, as he cannot or will not adapt to the new hierarchy of the FAYZ, he resorts to trying to destroy them, in order to return the world to what it was before. His hatred of others gaining power through (what he sees as) unconventional means is then further established with his dislike of actual powers and the people who have them:

“I’m sick of all this powers crap. You saw what we did to freaks at Coates?? Who do you think it was that took care of that?? All these kids with their stupid so-called powers. Starting fires and moving stuff around and reading your mind and all?? Who do you think it was grabbed them one by one in their sleep and beat them down and when they woke up their hands were setting in a block of cement??

[…]

That’s right. And I didn’t even have a gun then. It’s not about who’s got powers, morons. It’s about who’s not afraid. And who’s going to do what has to be done.”

We get told by Diana that it was Drake’s idea to cement the kids in the first place (and a bad one at that) and I really think that is all the evidence you need to see that Drake’s hatred and fear all stem from his complete inability to adapt. He is trapped in a cycle of abuse that started with his father, a police officer who teaches him how to shoot people (however unwillingly) and is then continued by his step-father (an actual abuser) rendering him incapable of recognising any kind of authority if it is not gained from violent means. And so of course he hates the powers – none of the kids gained their powers through suffering or through causing suffering. They didn’t earn their authority in any valid way, according to him. (This is also another reason why I think Drake was so ecstatic at gaining his whip-hand. He suffered for it and therefore, in his twisted mind, he earned it. It is physical proof of his supposed power over these kids.) It’s tragic really – but mg then goes on to make him so disgustingly unsympathetic that his story loses its meaning. I love mg’s writing but Drake’s character truly was butchered for shock value and plot convenience and it makes me so sad.

Ok back to Chapter 16. Here, not only do we hear about some of the things that Drake is capable of, but we see them as well. His beat-down of Orc is the first indicator we get that Drake is someone we should really be afraid of. Heads up, this is a long quote:

“Nobody move,’ Drake said.                                                                                    Orc pushed Edilio off and jumped to his feet. He started kicking Edilio, landing size-eleven Nike blows into Edilio’s defensive arms. Sam jumped in to help his friend, but Drake was quicker. He stepped behind Orc, grabbed him by the hair, yanked his head back, and smashed his elbow into Orc’s face. Blood poured from Orc’s nose, and he howled in rage. Drake hit him again and released Orc to fall to the concrete.                                                                                                ‘Which part of “nobody move” did you not understand, Orc?’ Drake demanded. Orc rose to his knees and went for Drake like a linebacker, Drake stepped aside, nimble as a matador. He stuck his hand out and said to Chaz, ‘Give me that.’    Chaz handed him the bat.                                                                                        Drake hit Orc in the ribs with a short, sharp forwards thrust of the bat. Then again in the kidneys and again in the side of the head. Each blow was measured, accurate, effective. Orc rolled over on to his back, helpless, exposed. Drake pushed the thick end of the bat against Orc’s throat.                                  ‘Dude. You really need to learn to listen when I talk.’                                              Then Drake laughed, stepped back, twirled the bat in the air, caught it and rested it on his shoulder. He grinned at Sam.”

“Sam had gone up against bullies before. But he’d never seen anything like Drake Merwin. Orc outweighed Drake by at least fifty pounds, but Drake had handled him like a little toy action figure.”

Orc has already been established as the top bully in Perdido beach – we’ve already seen that our main character is afraid of him – and for good reason. And so for Orc to be defeated so casually and so easily is shocking. It lets us know that the old world order has collapsed and old fears are fading away with it, with new, much more threatening adversaries taking their place. I actually think that this scene was exceptionally clever of mg. Drake is attacking someone who has already been set up as an antagonist, at the same time rescuing Edilio, who the reader has been conditioned to like. But, through context clues, we know that this is not a good thing. It sets up the villainous nature of the Coates kids, Orc’s redemption, Drake and Orc’s rivalry and Sam’s fear of Drake. And it feels natural, even after re-reading the book multiple times. It’s scenes like these that really remind me how great of a writer mg is.

Another thing I really wanted to talk about here IS Drake and Orc’s rivalry because, yet again, I think mg missed a huge opportunity with this. Drake and Orc are very similar before, and in the early days of the FAYZ. Both have abusive fathers (a step-father in Drake’s case but still), both enjoy asserting their power over people through violent means and both are put in positions of power that they are unable to fully take advantage of – Sheriff and Sheriff Deputy. And even as the books continue, similarities can still be found. They both suffer mutations that turn their bodies into grotesque weapons, dehumanising them and alienating them from their peers and That Scene in Plague tells us that Orc and Drake sometimes have similar “desires”. Their stories are constantly intertwined, with them being played off of each other from the start and Orc becoming Drake’s jailor later on (and in turn Drake sort of becoming his). Their differences come from their reactions to the horrific acts of violence they have committed – and of course why they do them. I’m going to make a whole separate post on this because it’s long enough to be a standalone, but my I just wish mg had played up both their similarities and differences more. It would have made Drake so much more interesting.

We also get more hints at his sadism in this scene. He is later unbothered that Betty has been hurt and it seems that the only reason he attacked Orc was because it gave him an opportunity to assert his dominance over him. All in all, this is one of my personal favourite scenes in the book as it establishes characters, themes and relationships very well. I just wish some of these had been developed further – but mg dropping certain aspects of the story does seem to be a common problem.

The final thing I wanted to talk about in regards to Drake’s personality and character is this line we get in Chapter 23, “It was small, just two bedrooms, very neat, very organised, the way Drake liked things.” This was another thing that irked me slightly. It’s such a small aspect of his characterisation but it reinforced the idea that drake is just another cookie-cutter villain with no real personality, nothing that makes him stand out in the sea of white male psychopaths with a hatred for women. His whole character could be replaced with any other misogynistic psychopath at no detriment to the story. My immediate though when reading this was that even the smallest aspects of his character can be seen in other, more developed villains – this line in particular is hugely reminiscent of Patrick Bateman. Nothing seems to be his own. No aspect of his character is even remotely unique. (I think this may also be why some young fans develop an obsession with him. His character is comfortable because we’ve seen it so many times before.) He is so entirely replaceable and replicable - only reason he isn’t completely forgettable is because you are constantly plagued by the horrific things he has done. Mg sacrificed depth and development for shock value and it’s so disappointing

3.) DRAKE’S PAST

Onto Drake’s life before the FAYZ. Not only does Drake receive some of the longest and most POV time in this book, he is also the character whose life before the FAYZ we learn the most about (with the possible exception of Sam). This is especially shocking to think about seen as Drake is arguably one of the most underdeveloped characters in the whole book, but anyway. There are two scenes I’m going to talk about here, both occurring in Chapter 23, with the first being his dad teaching him how to shoot. I apologise in advance for the long quote:

“His father had taught him how to shoot, using his service pistol. Drake still remembered the first time.

[…]

He remembered the way his father had taught him to grip the butt firmly but not too tight. To rest his right hand in the palm of his left and sight carefully, to turn his body sideways to present a smaller target if someone was shooting back. His father had had to yell because they were both wearing ear protection.                  ‘If you’re target shooting, you centre the front sight in the notch of the rear sights. Raise it till your sights are sitting right under your target. Let your breath out slowly and squeeze.’                                                                                          That first bang, the recoil, the way the gun jumped six inches, the smell of the powder – it was all as clear in Drake’s mind as any memory he had.                                                                                                                                                   […]

‘What if I’m not shooting if I’m not shooting at a target?’ He’d asked his father. ‘What if I’m shooting at a person?’                                                                          ‘Don’t shoot a person,’ his father had said. But then he relented, relieved no doubt to find something he could share with his disturbing son. ‘Different people will tell you different techniques. But if it’s me, say I’m doing a traffic stop and I think I see he citizen reaching for a weapon, and I’m thinking I may have to take a quick shot? I just point. Point like the barrel is a sixth finger. You point and if you have to fire, you shoot half the clip, bang, bang, bang, bang.’                    ‘Why do you shoot so many times?’                                                                    ‘Because if you have to shoot, you shoot to kill. Situation like that, you’re not aiming carefully for his head or his heart, you’re pointing at the centre of mass and you’re hoping you get a lucky shot., but if you don’t, if all you’re hitting is shoulder or belly, the sheer velocity of the rounds will knock him down.”

Ok so the first thing I want to analyse here, is how important this memory clearly is to Drake. He remembers it fondly, in immense detail and seems to call back on it when he needs to clear his head (notice how this memory is placed while Drake is trying to figure out what to do, not while he is doing it.) It seems that rather than just using this memory as a source of useful information, it is also a source of comfort to him. Now there are some things that I really wish mg had told us that would help to analyse this scene better, like: How old was Drake when this memory took place?? How old was Drake when his father died?? How did his father die?? But alas, we don’t know these things (at least not that I’m aware of, and not within this book) so I’m going to try and do the best I can with the information that we have. Now, in Light, Drake makes it seem like his step-fathers behaviour has been significant in forming his worldview – which makes sense, trauma does that. But he spends half of his time away at Coates, which says to me that for this behaviour to have had such a profound effect on him, his step-father must have been around for a while. Right?? I’m gonna take a guess at 3-4 years at the least. Give Drake’s mother about a year to meet and start dating this man after the passing of her husband – this means that Drake would have been around 9/10 at the latest when this scene took place. That’s pretty young. Like, this is a formative memory and from the way it’s written, it seems like this may be some of the only bonding that Drake and his father ever did together. No wonder Drake has such an unhealthy obsession with guns as is seen with these quotes:

“He started from Astrid’s house, which was already beginning to smoke. He worked his way methodically, a hunter, looking for any movement. Each time he spotted someone walking or running or biking, he would take a look at them through the rifle scope, line them up in the crosshairs.                                        He felt like God. All he had to do was squeeze the trigger.” – Chapter 23

“Drake kept all three guns loaded all the time. They were set out on the dining room table, a display, something to be gazed at lovingly.” – Chapter 23

“Drake could not leave the gun alone. He kept thumbing the safety on and off. He rolled down the window and aimed it at stop signs as they passed, but did not fire.” – Chapter 31

Drake shooting Sam and his gleeful reaction – Chapter 34

For him, guns are the ultimate symbol of power and authority. He was introduced to these weapons of incredible power at such a young age – of course he loves them. That being said, it seems that Drake has always been “disturbed” so I suppose we can’t fully blame his father and step-father for his mind-set – and I have to say I don’t really like this. Drake’s issue as a character is that he is completely de-humanised by all the horrific things he does. By having it seem like Drake was irredeemable from the off-set, it just adds to this idea and again removes any possible depth or character development. Imo it would have been much better to present Drake as becoming the way he is AFTER his father’s death. It would bring a sense of tragedy to his character – the way he uses his father’s advice to hunt down Astrid would seem less like a by-product of his sadism and more like a misguided attempt to feel connected to his deceased father.

However, flawed though it is, this scene does give us some insight as to why Drake is the way he is – through the characterisation of his father. Admittedly we don’t get much, but one line really stood out to me, “Because if you have to shoot, you shoot to kill.” Ummm..sir?? I don’t think that’s how police officers work. Isn’t your goal to incapacitate – not to just kill on sight?? The fact that he not only stands by this rule himself, but also gives this advice to his CHILD is disconcerting. Drake is not only receiving this harmful rhetoric from his father figure but also a police officer. Someone who is meant to uphold the law. I think this links back to my earlier point on how Drake only recognises authority if it is gained by violent means. While we get no indication that his real father was ever violent to Drake or his mother, he openly tells Drake that when he is upholding the law (in this hypothetical situation) he does it by using force. That is a dangerous thing to tell a child, especially a child who you already think is disturbed. This twisted-take on a father-son relationship nicely sets the precedent for Drake’s warped perceptions, I just wish it had been developed further. And this leads us nicely into the next scene – the shooting of Holden:

“He remembered with vivid, slow-motion detail the time he had shot Holden, the neighbour’s kid who liked to come over and annoy him. That had been a bullet to the thigh, with a low-level calibre gun, and still the kid had nearly died. That ‘accident’ had landed Drake at Coates.”

Again, first and foremost I just wish we had a little bit more information. It is not clear whether this situation occurred before or after his father’s death – which seems like a pretty important detail to me. Although, we don’t actually find out that Drake’s father is dead within this book, and this omission again makes me feel like mg adding that detail was little more than an after-thought. It feels like in Light he wanted to quickly try and make Drake more of a sympathetic character and so he added in an abusive step-dad to try and tone down or at least explain Drake’s violence and misogyny. It seems like Drake is a plot-point first and a character second and the lack of detail here really highlights that for me. What purpose did these scenes really have in the story?? They did very little to flesh out his character, they introduced no new themes or relationships. It seems like mg just wanted to let us know – “Hey! Drake knows how to use a gun. That’s gonna be important later.” That being said, there are a couple of other things I would like to quickly mention. Firstly, I think the fact that Drake did not aim to kill Holden, even though he could have, is meant to be indicative of his change between then and now. It’s done to tell us that Drake wasn’t always this bad – there was at one point some hope. For this to have the desired effect though, I really think mg should have waited until after Drake lost his arm to straight up try and murder Astrid and Little Pete. Like, you can’t tell us that Drake was a little messed up but still redeemable before his maiming and then go and have him try to kill a random girl and her five year old brother. Because that’s more than a little messed up (and that’s not even mentioning the cementing). And it also contrasts the idea that Drake has always been disturbed. An idea that was introduced to us not even a page ago!! The other thing I wanted to pick up on, which I actually quite liked, is the ambiguous “who liked to come over and annoy him.” Because this is Drake’s point of view – so “annoy” could mean anything. Was Holden actually just an annoying kid?? Was he just trying to be Drake’s friend?? Or was he actually a bully and Drake doesn’t want to admit it?? I guess we’ll never know.

4.) DRAK’ES MOTIVATIONS

For this point, I wanted to focus on three particular motivators: Caine, Diana and Astrid. These are the three people, I believe, who provide, either consciously or unconsciously, the motivation for his actions within the FAYZ. I’ll start first with Astrid and Diana, the two people who Drake hates the most. Throughout this book it is clear that Drake has no real goals – he has no desire to be in control like Caine, no desire to re-invent the world like Albert. All he wants is to cause pain, with his preferred targets being these two. And, as I’ve said before, I think this is partly because he hates the authority that they have within the FAYZ – which stems from manipulation and intelligence rather than violence.

In Chapter 20, Drake explains his hatred for Diana, “Drake had made the time to check out Diana’s psych file the day after the FAYZ came. But her file had been missing by then. In its place she had left Drake’s file lying open on the doc’s desk and drawn a little smiley face beside the word ‘sadist’.                                Drake had already hated her. But after that, hating Diana had become a full-time occupation.” What I take from this scene, is that Drake’s loathing stems from Diana’s ability to get under his skin, to make him feel inferior – to annoy him. (Perhaps Holden had a similar talent). I’m going to assume that his prior hatred of her can be boiled down to his misogyny and his disgust at Caine’s weakness for her, both of which have been explicitly stated in the text. His hatred after this though, comes from a pretty mundane incident. I mean all she did was get there quicker, and do exactly what he was going to do to her. And so I think this loathing is less about what she did and more about his own personal reaction to it. Diana was able to weaponise Drake’s own anger against him – to make him feel inferior and powerless. She challenges Drake’s fragile perception of authority and takes a diagnosis that he seems to not only be ok with, but is actually proud of, and makes him feel embarrassed. His whole perception of power is rooted in the idea that his ability to inflict pain on others with no guilt or remorse is what makes him better, it is what gives him his power. But she takes this idea and belittles him for it and so his initial reaction is to attack. This is an idea that is again seen with Astrid. Astrid intentionally tries to make Drake feel inferior by bringing up his biggest insecurity, Diana’s treatment of him “Doesn’t it bother you that Diana treats you like some wild animal she keeps on a leash?” And she does escape him – twice. Her and her autistic brother (and we already know how Drake feels about autistic people). She also proves herself to be more intelligent than him, in their little argument over the r-slur. Drake only gets violent after he realises that, in an intellectual sense, she has more power than him. It seems to be his defence mechanism just as much as his pleasure – and therefore Astrid and Diana’s power over him motivates him to use it.

Now onto Caine. Caine and Drake’s relationship is, for me, one of the most interesting aspects of Drake’s character and while I’ll only be mentioning it in its capacity as a motivator here, I have a whole post planed out for it. Drake seems to simultaneously hate Caine and admire him. He is constantly looking to impress him and the only time we ever see Drake think about betraying him in this book is when Caine gives his attention to Diana rather than Drake. And, because of this, I can kind of understand why people ship them (although I personally dislike the idea of Drake being gay). A lot of the time this motivation is completely unprompted by Caine himself, like in these quotes:

“Drake cursed and, again, for just a moment, felt the almost desperate fear of failing Caine. He wasn’t worried about what Caine would do to him – after all, Caine needed him – but he knew if he failed to carry out Caine’s orders, Diana would laugh.” – Chapter 23

“I got him’ Drake announced. ‘I got them all.’                                                    ‘Yes, you did,’ Caine said. ‘Good work, Drake.” – Chapter 34

In Chapter 23, it seems that both Drake’s need to impress Caine and his need to prove to himself that he is better than Diana are his main motivators for his extreme attack on Astrid. I think it’s important to note that he only planned on trying to catch her, until Caine told him to kill her. His sadistic nature is brought out in full because he needs to prove himself to Caine. But why does he?? If he is planning on taking over from Caine in the end, why does he have a “desperate fear of failing Caine”?? Sure, part of it is his desire to prove himself to be better than Diana. But even this has roots in his absolute need for Caine to take notice of him. Drake is drawn to Caine because of his power and authority over people. Caine seems to be the closest thing that Drake can get to an equal, someone who shares the same motivations, ambitions and worldview (of course Caine and Drake do not share these things, but Drake doesn’t realise this…yet.) He seeks validation from Caine because he wants to have these things in common with someone – yet another motivation for his hatred of Diana as she constantly gets in the way of this.

We also know that Caine is, at least, partly aware of his effect on Drake. He is paranoid that Drake will turn on him (because Caine sees being equal to someone as relinquishing power) and he is able to manipulate Drake’s misguided feelings when he wants to – most notably in Chapter 36:

“It’s not Diana or Chunk or even me,’ Caine said. ‘It’s none of us, Drake. It’s Sam. It’s Sam who did this to you, Drake. You want him to get away with it? Or do you want to live long enough to make him suffer?”

This is such a clever moments as it sets up Drake’s whole character in Hunger, and it’s false. Because yes, Sam is the one who burned Drake’s arm and Drake has every right and reason to hate him. But it was Caine who abandoned him to save himself. And it was Caine who refused to let Drake die, even though he was begging for it (and let’s face it, he didn’t refuse to kill him out of any affection – it was a selfish decision.) But Drake is so desperate for that equal, for that validation that his worldview is correct and is shared by another person, that he just idk forgets?? He never brings up this conversation again and just accepts Caine’s word as gospel. I have so much more to say about their relationship but, as I said, I’ll save it for a later post.

5.) DRAKE’S MENTAL STATE

And finally, we have Drake’s mental state. Now I’m not going to try and give him an official diagnosis or anything, but I wanted to make a small point specifically about his mental state after his maiming. I think we can all agree that what Drake went through was pretty horrific, and while I personally struggle to feel any amount of sympathy for him due his own list of horrific crimes, the change he goes through after this is extremely significant, or at least it’s supposed to be. I think mg wants us to believe that Drake’s descent into madness was directly cause by the loss of his arm, and that before that he did have the chance to be redeemed. I think whether you buy into this depends on how forgiving you are, but I want to focus more on the actual proof of change that we see.

I’ve already talked about the physical changes he goes through, and the implications of this so I’m going to focus solely on his mental state during and partly after the whole ordeal. I think the first and most important thing to talk about is the fact that Drake didn’t actually want to survive:

“Don’t cut off my arm,’ Drake cried. ‘Let me die. Just let me die. Shoot me.” – Chapter 36

He would rather die than lose his arm (his gun arm to be specific). Now, while I don’t doubt that the burning was indescribably painful, I’m still not sure that the majority of people would beg for death. Especially when an alternative (in this case losing his arm) is presented. Not to mention, he doesn’t actually talk about the pain when begging for his death – what he talks about is the loss of his arm. Of course it could be argued that the reason he didn’t want his arm to be cut off is because he knew it would mean more pain, but I don’t think that this is the case. Rather, I think that Drake is so scared of losing the power that he has, that he would genuinely rather die. This 14 year old boy is so messed up that his own death is preferable to the idea of no longer being able to hurt people. And so when he gets his power back, he doubles down. He has realised by this point what he truly wants, that he would rather die than be rendered powerless, so he begins committing more heinous acts (like attacking the prees). Pair this with the amount of pain that he went through, which most definitely will have had an effect on his already damaged brain, and you can see how a high-school bully became what he did. The groundwork for an interesting and though-provoking character was right here. I think yet again the problem with his character is the execution. Interesting aspects of his personality are dropped in favour of plot convenience and shock value and it cheapens his character as a whole until all the intended nuances are lost and over-shadowed.

I’m really sorry if this is a bit all over the place and not quite as polished as my other posts. I found Drake so difficult to write about and so my thoughts kept going haywire. Thank you so much for reading (and being patient with my brain). I hope you enjoy!!

[ofcloudsandstars]

November Magical Dates and Astrological Transits

Welcome to the deep darkness of the year. November we get plunged into the dark quarter getting us in our hibernation mode and focusing on the realms within. It's a great time of the year for magic in the household (known and tagged sometimes as Cottage Witchcraft: witchcraft encompassing magic indoors, in your bedroom, kitchen witchcraft, bath witchcraft, cleansing and crafting etc.), shadow work and resting. It's also a great time to take up a hobby craft as you can focus your creations and learning on gifts for Yule to come.

This month is nearly nested between two Full Moons but the previous full moon reached opposition on the 31st so technically the moon at the end of November is not a Blue moon. However the moon at the end of November is a Blood Moon meaning it's a Full Moon Eclipse that will cast the moon in a red shadow. The themes of this month will take us through Scorpio's shadowy introspective period helping us to understand where our energy and sense of freedoms may be repressed then optimistic Sagittarius season helping us to focus on our dreams and how we can work towards manifesting them. There are a lot of surprises coming with dynamic Uranus in retrograde influencing a lot of planets which will lead up to the full moon eclipse no doubt bringing a lot of changes and sudden endings that no one can predict. Get ready for your life to be upgraded!

1st - ☾♉ Samhain  🎃 Mercury rx in Libra squares Saturn in Capricorn

We will still be under the influence of the full moon as it's in mid-transit in Taurus. Today Mercury rx in Libra will square Saturn in Capricorn bringing up themes of restriction and our mental barriers. With mercury in retrograde it's a good time to reflect on how these mental barriers can hold us back and why we feel oppressed by them. Especially since Samhain is a good time for shadow work and overcoming mental obstacles, it's a good day for meditation and introspection on how we may harbor negative beliefs that keep us imprisoned. (Especially in regards to our relationships, coworkers and authority). With the full moon conjunct Uranus RX we may have gotten themes of material or superficial things that we value that could either be restricting our freedoms or holding us back. The next day with the Mercury rx square with Saturn we will dive further into our subconscious to focus on our mental blocks and restrictions. Since Samhain is a good day for shedding and letting go this is great energy to reflect on and release for our personal freedoms to emerge. Take a moment today to write down what you'd like to free in yourself. You will see later on it will help ;)

Additionally Blessed Samhain!

Week 2 - 8

2nd - ☾♊ Moon enters Gemini

When the moon is in Gemini it’s a good time for taking in new information, studying magic or writing in your grimoire, using binural beats in magic, meditation or trance or doing air based magic.

3rd - ☾♊ Mercury Direct in Libra

Mercury finally stations direct today! It will still have it's moment of grogginess so still expect delays and some missed communication, but things will finally start moving forward. Take the time to reflect on what you have learned during this retrograde period and how you will apply it to your life moving forward. Though Mercury will be moving forward, it's still a time for rest, hibernation and reflection. Don't feel the need to hit the ground running or be surprised when everything still feels groggy and introspective. This is the dark quarter of the year and time to hibernate.

4th - ☾♋ Moon enters Cancer

When the moon is in Cancer it’s a good time for magic around the home such as cleaning and cleansing, kitchen magic and bath magic. It’s a great time for self-care rituals and water-based magic. The theme of burrowing and hibernation will feel amplified today as the moon is in it's home sign.

5th - ☾♋ Disseminating Moon | Moon in Cancer Trines Sun

The waning gibbous moon is a great time for taking stock of your progress during this lunar cycle and celebrating any little successes you’ve managed to accomplish so far no matter how small. You can reflect on all that you have worked through and learned through retrograde and the insights that the full moon has given you. It’s a lovely vibe for socializing, spreading generosity or just taking the moment to enjoy life. When the moon trines the sun it’s a harmonious time that brings a lot of luck. When you take stock and realize that you may not be where you’d like, then it’s a good time to catch up on work to help you out or do magic to bring opportunities for doors to open for you. Celebrate at home with the moon in Cancer and make your personal space feel special by burning nice scented candles, changing bedsheets and getting really cozy. 

 6th - ☾♋ Mercury in Libra squares Saturn in Capricorn

Time for another Mercury and Saturn square, except Mercury is now direct! This is when I suggested you should write down any themes the last square brought up on Samhain as you may get stronger clarity now on what you need to let go in order to liberate yourself mentally. As all squares operate, it's not a good time for action, yet reflection and meditation. Wherever you feel mentally blocked, reflect on it, write it down, meditate on it and do some divination if you are feeling stuck.

7th - ☾♌  Autumn’s Crossquarter Moon enters Leo

Today is also when the Sun is 15 degrees in Scorpio making it the official Crossquarter of Autumn. This is a period of shedding, cleansing and banishing along with tying up any loose ends before going into hibernation. This is the official end to Samhaintide. 

8th - ☾♌ Last Quarter Moon in Leo

The themes of reflection and introspection carry on with the Last Quarter moon in Leo. The Last Quarter moon is a good time for reflecting on the lunar cycle that past and the lessons we have learned. It's a good day for meditation, mindfulness, gratitude and reviewing the past. The lunar cycle begun on a Libra new moon so you can take the themes of introspection today on what you have learned in regards to what resonates with your heart, the value you put on relationships, your money, material wealth and partnerships and what is truly important/resonates with you vs. what is holding you back. Leo rules the heart so this is a good day to be honest with yourself and seek out what makes you free and what is in your best interests.

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Week 9 - 15

9th - ☾♍ Venus in Libra opposite Mars rx in Aries Moon enters Virgo

You may find some clarity today on the inner work you could have done yesterday with the last quarter moon as Venus in Libra transits opposite Mars rx in Aries. Previous injustices regarding relationships of all kinds could come up now from the past. Repressed anger or desires could emerge that may feel shocking but could be clarifying on the pain experienced or how you could have created barriers to protect yourself yet in turn these same walls became a mental prison. As the moon and season is in decline it's good to reflect on these themes and release what's no longer needed. With the moon entering Virgo you will have a more clear headed approach to your introspection. With the opposition it's a good time to release the built up tension in healthy ways in any physical activity from exercise to dance. This energy could also show you where you may feel lacking in terms of your relationship dynamics or self confidence. It's not a time to act yet but to reflect and observe. Write down any insights in your journal to review later.

10th - ☾♍ Balsamic Moon | Moon Sextiles Sun Mercury enters Scorpio Sun in Scorpio trines Neptune rx in Pisces

Mercury enters Scorpio today! We can re-enter our dark underworlds now with a bit of introspection from what the retrograde has bought. Mercury in Scorpio brings two weeks of deep intense thought, diving to the core of the truths shrouded by darkness and uncovering ours and others shadows. With the moon in it's balsamic phase (waning crescent), it's a time to wrap up loose ends of this lunar cycle and depart from anything no longer serving us. If there are things in our lives such as people or physical materials that no longer align with our values, we should find ways to distant ourselves or banish them. It's also a good time to do some deep house cleaning and throw out anything old that we've been holding on to without realizing (as I type this, there are 3 large plastic water bottles in the corner of my vision I use for watering my plants which I only need 1 of haha). With the Sun trining Neptune rx this can highlight what our dreams are for ourselves or the future. Now is a time to pay attention to our dreams and day dreams to see where deep subconscious desires lie that may be brought out by Mars's retrograde and Mercury now in Scorpio. The Sun and Neptune Rx transit also heightens our sensitivity and empathy towards others. This can help us connect with our sense of spirituality from within.

11th - ☾♎ Moon enters Libra

When the moon is in Libra it’s a good time for attraction magic (friendship/coworkers/partners - all kinds), glamours and charms, love based magic and harmonizing spells.

12th - ☾♎ Jupiter conjunct Pluto in Capricorn

Today will feel powerful and intense as the expansive Jupiter conjuncts intense Pluto in Capricorn. We will feel focused and driven to succeed and with a mix of intense effort with good luck, we will have teh boost to make a big difference anywhere we focus on energy towards on this day. This is powerful energy to not let go by so mark this day on your calendar. It is important to think about what you want to do during this prosperous phase. Ventures regarding business success, abundance, travel or career can get a boost of positivity during this time if used well. However focus your energy on either spiritual self-development or success for your genuine benefit and not more power or control over others (especially those already in power). Anyone with power already can get a boost during this time so if you challenge them you can face those powers against you. Therefore focus on your success and if it's in a circumstance even where your success lies in another person relinquishing power over you then maybe use this energy to escape from their influence, but don't challenge anyone directly.

This is a great day for action but if you want to do spell work then try barrier-breaking magic where you can break through obstacles to gain what you need.

13th - ☾♏ Moon enters Scorpio

Today is Friday the 13th! It's a magical day celebrating Venus and the divine femme! It's been warped by modern day society to be evil or whatever, but Friday the 13th is a fun time to be spooky, get up to shenanigans, do love attraction magic and fool around. Especially in honor of Venus, Friday the 13th is a fun day to dress up very mystical or witchy just for the sake of it. Today will feel extra spooky and intense with the moon entering Scorpio. When the moon is in Scorpio it's a good time for shadow work, energy based magic, scrying, blood and sex magic.

14th - ☾♏ Mars direct in Aries Sun in Scorpio sextiles Pluto and Jupiter in Capricorn

GOT DAMN Mars is FINALLY Direct. Finally.. woof.. It's over. Though it will still be in it's groggy phase we may already feel motivated and ready to move forward after that lengthy period of introspection and reflecting on our inner motivations and drive. Energy may feel more free-flowing from now on and we may feel more inclined to act. This energy will be amplified by the Sun sextiling both Pluto and Jupiter in Capricorn helping us to work through anything. This will help us succeed in our goals and aspirations and especially in the realms of our work or careers. You will feel the energy to hit the ground running and it's a good time to wrap up projects or strive for what you need during these prosperous transits.

15th - ☾♏ New Moon in Scorpio Venus in Libra squares Pluto in Capricorn Moon enters Sagittarius

A new lunar cycle begins! The moon in Scorpio will bring themes of our liberation again with it being opposite Uranus rx and how we need to connect with ourselves on a soul level to understand where we have been stripped of our power. This theme will be amplified by Venus in a square with Pluto. We may be more aware today of how we can be controlled in our relationships as power and control issues may arise. There can also be emotions tied to not feeling loved or valued come to the surface or worse, be buried deep within but be the motivation behind acting out or seeking control. If you are feeling these negative feelings you should look within to seek out what you need to change in order to make yourself feel more free and more valued and how you can commit yourself to these changes during this new Lunar Cycle. Especially in transformative Scorpio, this New Moon is looking to make a change.

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Week 16 - 22

16th - ☾♐ Venus in Libra squares Jupiter in Capricorn

So Venus and Jupiter squares are not like many other. Squares tend to bring frustration or restrictions that may make us feel blocked and forced to reflect on our obstacles. However Jupiter squares creates another type of obstacle which is excess. Sometimes too much of a good thing can easily lead us astray. With the Venus and Jupiter square we can easily blow a lot of money accidentally on a shopping spree or spend way too much on take out or any other forms of gluttony. You should be especially wary if substances come involved. Moderation is key with this transit and we can easily go overboard if we aren't careful, especially since the moon is transiting Sagittarius. If we do feel inclined we should reflect on the root reasons why we want to over indulge instead of feeding the need. This way less damage is done. If you do want to go out, give yourself a budget so you don't over do it.

17th - ☾♑ Mercury in Scorpio opposite Uranus rx in Taurus Venus in Libra opposite Chiron rx in Aries Moon enters Capricorn

Today may feel hectic but there is opportunity for healing if you pay attention. The two major transits here are Mercury opposite Uranus rx and Venus opposite Chiron rx. With the Mercury and Uranus rx opposition we may be faced with obstacles that may change our plans and scatter our minds. This is not a good day to make plans or agree on deals but just to let our minds wander and not be restricted. This is a day that can bring great insight and epiphanies to how we relate to ourselves as an individual and understand our freedom. It's a better day to reflect and seek to understand ourselves then move forward. Additionally with Venus opposite Chiron rx we may be confronted with painful emotions revolving around our relationships and past trauma or pain. With the two transits together we can be confronted with external obstacles or events that could make us aware of our limitations, freedom, lack of individuality or authenticity and how that pain or boundary could have stemmed from toxic relationships from the past. Though it's potentially a lot of pain to work through, it's a day that can bring insight on how to move forward from it.

18th - ☾♑   Moon in Capricorn

With the moon in Capricorn, it’s a good time for organization, addressing our tasks and responsibilities, ancestor magic, earth and mineral based magic.

19th - ☾♒ Waxing Crescent | Sun Sextiles Moon Sun in Scorpio sextiles Saturn in Capricorn Venus in Libra squares Saturn in Capricorn Moon enters Aquarius

While the moon is still in Capricorn, it will sextile the Sun in Scorpio bringing a boost of positive energy that can help us take on any task. This is a great part of the lunar cycle to look back on the intentions you've set for the new moon and start exploring new ways to incorporate what your intentions were into your life. This could look like you signing up for a new class or experimenting with something new. It's a great time for seeking out new ventures, experimentation and learning. With the moon's energy in Capricorn there would be a boost in the areas of work where you can explore new open positions at work or switching up your schedule and seeing how that suits your work life balance better (especially in regards to the new moon theme and if that allows you to have more freedom.) The Sun will also sextile Saturn in Capricorn giving us a positive boost in our work ethic. We will find tasks much easier to complete today and feel more responsible. It's a great day to get your to-do list checked off and confront whatever long-term "to-do's" that you may have (like renewing that license for example). Venus in Libra will also square Saturn in Capricorn bringing the positive mood down a little as we may feel restricted by some of our relationships or unable to really act upon our values due to barriers or obstacles that block us from being our true selves. The energy today is pretty free-flowing to make changes in your life so if you are feeling that restriction maybe you can look into how you can shift things around like your work schedule or try new things to feel less blocked.

20th - ☾♒ Moon in Aquarius

When the moon is in Aquarius, it’s great to expand on your perspective, explore new material, work with tech magic or electricity and work with celestial magic or astrology. Especially as the moon is still in it's waxing crescent phase it's a great time to explore new things and try new ventures.

21st - ☾♒ Venus enters Scorpio

Venus enters the most passionate and intense sign, Scorpio bringing us into the deep depths of the shadows lingering from our love lives and other relationships that may still cause us to act paranoid, jealous or resentful of some people we live around today. This cycle is a great time for shadow work revolving around our relationship to other people and understanding why some people may trigger a negative response from us. Romance under this transit can be intense, dramatic, thrilling but also if you manage to have a healthy dynamic it can be soul bonding and long lasting. It's a good time for healing the heart and confronting any toxicity that we may be unknowingly harboring for the next month that this transit continues.

22nd - ☾♓ Sun enters Sagittarius First Quarter Moon in Pisces

The most festive season begins!! The Sun enters optimistic and excitable Sagittarius today bringing lights to the impenetrable dark of this somber quarter of the year. Trees will start to be aglow with lights, festive music will haunt us from every radio station and shop, everything we drink will be hot and spiced. You cannot escape the jolliness of Sagittarius season. However this energy may feel more tense than usual with the first day also landing on the First Quarter moon in Pisces. The first quarter moon calls for reflection on strategy and what we've learned this lunar cycle so far by experimenting and trying new things. What tools have we gained? What would we be willing to try or implement to get our goals ahead? Especially in the theme of Pisces we may really be focusing on our dreams and how we can bring our dreams to reality. How do these dreams liberate us? With what we've learned how can we achieve that liberation? As optimistic Sagittarius season overlaps with this lunar cycle, we may feel upbeat about taking this on.

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Week 23 - 29

23rd - ☾♓ Mercury in Scorpio trines Neptune rx in Pisces

Today feels tied in with yesterday's transits as Mercury makes a beneficial trine with Neptune rx which will create a lucky period of time where we can feel mentally aligned and balanced with our creativity, our spirituality and our dreams. We will be in-tune with what we want and be able to express it. If we are feeling repressed in this area, this transit will help us to understand these hidden parts some more. As beneficial as trines are, they are unfortunately so easy-going in their energy that we can easily miss them going by. This is a beneficial day to work towards your dreams so mark it on your calendar (especially as the moon will be conjunct Neptune rx in Pisces as well!) The energies will be aligned.

24th - ☾♈ Waxing Gibbous | Sun Trines Moon Moon enters Aries

Another wonderful trine will happen today with the Sun trining the Moon in Aries. This easy going day will be a great day to work towards your dreams as well, implement whatever strategies you reflected on and planned during the first quarter moon at the start of Sagittarius season and put them into action! Especially as the moon is in Aries we will feel inclined to take action so perhaps this trine will not go as unnoticed as most. This will feel like such a good spirited and lucky day, it's good to use this expansive energy wisely and keep your eyes on the prize. Fire magic would feel powerful today as well as barrier-breaking magic to bust through any obstacles in your way. It's also a good time to raise energy and create spell items especially fire-based tools like spell candles.

25th - ☾♈ Moon in Aries

Today the moon will conjunct both Chiron rx and Mars in Aries still giving us some of that productive boost of energy from yesterday. It's a good day to work though we may feel a window of time where we could feel uneasy or subject to pain with the moon and chiron rx conjunction. It's good to be aware of this to understand where to take it slow and be kind with yourself as you charge forward towards your dreams.

26th - ☾♈ Moon in Aries

When the moon is in Aries it’s great to take on challenges, use fire magic and hexing.

27th - ☾♉ Venus in Scorpio Opposite Uranus rx in Taurus Moon enters Taurus

Once again the themes of our lack of liberation and freedom in regards to our current relationships comes into the spotlight with the opposition today between Venus and Uranus rx. With chaotic Uranus transits it's always a spin-the-wheel adventure and Uranus rx will want us to seek change that can help us feel more free or help us expand our perspective. Even so Uranus loves change for the sake of change just to try something new and learn so our existing relationships, especially any that are restrictive could all go through an upheaval where we could either end up leaving or another person could get involved. It's an exciting time but it's usually not long lasting and it's just to change things up. If you are in a situation where you don't like the dynamic between you and another person, today is the day to shake things up or break it off. Also be mindful of your money today. Uranus is the master of surprises and chaos and even though it's in retrograde it can still bring events that could impact your finances or valuables if you are not careful.

28th - ☾♉ Neptune direct in Pisces Mercury in Scorpio sextile Jupiter in Capricorn

Wow Neptune is finally direct! This sleepy planet has finally ended it's 7 month long nap and is ready to move direct helping us reconnect with our source of creativity and be more aligned with our dreams and spirituality. Another beneficial transit will be Mercury sextiling Jupiter creating a day where luck is on our side in regards to learning new materials, trying new things (especially in the work place), understanding and exploring our minds and deep subconscious and taking on any tasks. However we should avoid biting off more than we can chew as this sextile can give us such optimism and ability to take on so much we can forget that we have natural limits and we may be unable to complete everything before the clock strikes 12.

29th - ☾♊ Moon enters Gemini

The energy carries on from the next day but as the moon enters Gemini it's a great day for reading and exploring interests, communicating ideas, sound and music based magic, air based magic and meditating with binaural beats.

30th - ☾♊ Full Moon in Gemini, Lunar eclipse Mercury in Scorpio sextiles Saturn in Capricorn

Today's full moon feels powerful and intense as it's not only a lunar eclipse, it's a blood moon which means it's a total lunar eclipse casting the moon in earth's shadow giving it a reddish illusion. It's a time of transformation and changes that can leave the past chapters suddenly behind as we get elevated to the next level. With the moon in Gemini opposite the sun in Sagittarius the themes are surrounding the details of the big picture and how they form the steps in the grand staircase that will carry us up towards our dreams. Eclipses are not the best time for manifesting new things as they are best for endings so if you are struggling with obstacles that stand in your way of your dreams or anything that is blocking your staircase it's time to banish them all! Avoid charging anything under this moon (unless if it's something like an athame that serves to cut chords and bring endings). Be aware that the eclipse is about endings to bring in a new chapter in life and unless you want to channel that energy into your tools you should be aware of what you are bringing in.

This will feel like a productive day with Mercury sextiling Saturn making us superbly aware of our tasks but having the ability to take them on. We will feel more responsible today and will feel inclined to work on our plans.

[readingsbylibramc]

birth chart reading for @melpomenismask

hello! welcome to your reading. I’m gonna give you a quick overview of what I’m going to analyze about your natal chart. feel free to ask me anything if something isn’t clear, of course. you’ll find out your dominants’ influence on your persona, your physical appearance, impression on others and the way you approach the world; your ego, identity, the real you; your reactions, your desires, inner emotions; your way of expressing your feelings, your mind and ideas; your desires and approach to love; your energy tank, instincts and temperament; in-depth analysis of each house with their rulers and analysis of heavy aspects; love life + soulmates/karmic partners interpretation; your relationship with your friends; your family life; your approach to career and work in general + possible jobs suggestion; your style, fashion sense analysis; life purpose and past life description; basic transits’ analysis to describe your current mood and, last but not least, your secret skills, how to make the most out of your soul and manifest what you desire based on your birth chart.

🦋 chart shape, dominants

your chart is a splay shape, meaning that your planets are located randomly in different groups in your chart. people with this type of chart are usually very talented at different things. they can focus their attention on different matters, from family, to work, to love. everything is important for you, and you try to live your life to the fullest. you may be particularly talented at things that require action, it doesn’t matter whether it’s physical or mental. you may be very good at sports, dancing… or maybe you’re good at leading, you could easily be the boss on your work place. since you’re interested in so many things, you could easily be skilled at all of them to be honest. my advice would be to pick the hobby that is most important for you and care about it more than the others. that’s because people with this chart usually tend to do so many things that they may lack precision. it’s better to give all of yourself to what’s important for you.

your dominant planets are venus, mars and the sun. you are definitely a very creative person, you're very charismatic and you have strong ideals. you are quite stubborn, it's hard for you to change your mind once you're convinced of something, but at the same time you also love learning new things and researching. you are quite open-minded.

your dominant sign is taurus. you're a chill person, you prefer staying at home instead of going out and partying. you are quite stubborn, but that's because you're passionate about your ideas and beliefs. you prefer trying and take action, even if you risk to hurt yourself, instead of just standing still and observing. you find comfort helping others; it's a way to feel satisfied both with others and yourself, as you like proving your skills and talents.

your dominant element is earth. you're a loyal and stable individual. you value longevity in your relationships, and that makes you quite picky. you can easily appear as cold, as opening up to someone you don't know well is too much of a risk for you. once you do, though, you'll stay forever. money and material possessions are important for you, as you understand that financial stability is one of the main qualifications in life.

🌎 ascendant in taurus, 13° / 2nd decan ruled by venus and mercury

taurus is ruled by venus, the planet of beauty. therefore, you’re probably very attractive, even if not conventionally. taurus risings usually come off as introverted and shy, you’re probably not much talkative. you’re a homebody, you prefer staying at home reading a good book instead of going out and partying, even though you don’t despise hanging out with your friends either. basically, you’d rather watch a movie with them than going to the disco, for example. you’re a very patient and cautious person; because of that, you may be considered slow, and it may be true, especially in your movements. yet, you just like thinking deeply about a decision, even if it’s just about what to eat for dinner. you don’t want to have regrets. you may also be quite materialistic, and hence you’re extremely careful to how you spend your money. you don’t want to be a burden to someone else, in fact you most likely used to feel guilty to ask your parents for money when you were younger. you’d rather be independent. usually, taurus placements are quite egotistic, but I don’t think it’s exactly your case. your heavy virgo energy points out the opposite; you’re careful to who’re you generous with, but you’re not selfish. you don’t fancy flaky, insignificant relationships. you prefer having long-lasting and intense bonds, you don’t have time to waste. you’re particularly loyal, but you could become too possessive and possibly controlling of your partners or friends. you’re probably not very flexible in life, since taurus is a fixed sign; you’re particularly fond of routine and you don’t like changing it out too often. it’s hard for you to adapt to changes, so you’d rather avoid them at all. taurus risings tend to have a very youthful vibe to them, and they’re usually more on the shorter side, or at least average. I’ve also noticed that they tend to have naturally straight and silky hair, it’s thick and good-looking. it looks very healthy, even if they may barely take care of it. your eyes may be big or at least of average size, and they’re usually hooded, almond-shaped with naturally long lashes. your nose could be a button shape or a french nose but, even if it’s not, it still goes very well with your overall face. your lips are most likely full, even if not necessarily plump. you may also have a defined, distinctive cupid’s bow. you're also quite short or average height.

🌞 sun in aries, 13° / 2nd decan ruled by mars and the sun

even though you enjoy the idea of love and relationships, your independency is what matters the most for you. you possess strong leadership, which makes you aspire for the best positions in work, school, marriage etc. you don't want to lower your standards. aries have the reputation of being fearless, and that's mainly caused by their impulsiveness. in fact, if they actually thought before acting, they wouldn't be aries lol. some people may even define you as selfless, as you literally put yourself in danger or in awkward situations just to say what you truly think, even if nobody asked. it's part of your nature, you don't want to go unnoticed. I don't see you being the one starting conflicts, though, especially with your taurus venus. you probably just lose your temper when someone challenges you (and it may happen often, to be honest). you hate routine; you always try to spice up your daily life a bit by meeting new people and trying new experiences in general. you enjoy having fun, partying, travelling... you thrive in social situations. you may have troubles making right decisions, as you're quite indecisive. but, once you do choose, no one is gonna stop you from achieving your goals and showing the world who you are. in fact, you gain confidence from your assertiveness, making you pretty proud of your persona as well.

aries sun square cancer saturn: during the first years of your life, you were most likely very insecure. probably, your father or any kind of authoritative figure influenced your growth, making you self-conscious about your looks and abilities. they might've been really strict, or at least critical or overprotective of you. you feel the need to be perfect, or at least to meet others' expectations. you may also care too much about what others think about you. you may be a late bloomer, and you could face some hardships in your relationships, but this gets better with time. this probably manifests in your approach to friendships and relationships, making you quite awkward. don't worry, though; as you become more aware of yourself and your potential, saturn's lessons won't seem so harsh anymore.

🌙 moon in virgo, 6° / 1st decan ruled by mercury

this is the purest virgo decan. you want to have everything under control, you can't bear not being organized. you most probably write down your appointments and stuff on an agenda, or perhaps even in the notes app of your phone. you're extremely precise, you want everything to be perfect. you probably care a lot about your appearance; you most likely have a skincare routine, workout... just anything that makes you feel healthy. you love taking care of yourself, especially of your hygiene. you also put a lot of effort in your outfits, you fear not being at your best state. you're a perfectionist, after all. this also project in your home environment; you may clean your house thoroughly, it's most likely all neat. in addition, this mania of yours of being perfect makes you have high standards; in fact, you need people in your life that try as much as you do. you despise lazy people. you probably have a reputation for always being calm and elegant, as you try to avoid conflicts as much as possible. you're very smart and insightful, and you strive for perfection; you want to prove your power to yourself, as it helps you boosting your self-esteem. in fact, it depends a lot on your achievements; if you don't meet your expectations, you start going through a hard time of insecurity and struggles. you love communicating, but you may struggle to find the right words. your eyes talk for you, though. you're also very introspective, and you're fond of art and creativity in general. you're very critical, both of yourself and of others. you don't do it with malice, though, but as I've already mentioned you want to frequent people that try to be at their best all the time, just like you after all.

virgo moon square taurus venus: there are contrasting feelings in your relationships with others; after all, your taurus venus wants to commit to someone and be loyal to them. on the other hand, your virgo moon wants to be independent. you don't want to feel tied to someone, you still need your independency. those two desires of yours probably contrast each other, stressing you out. you want a calm, almost boring relationship, but with this placement you can't seem to have one. your feelings and self-esteem may depend a lot on your relationships, not only with your lovers, but also with your friends. if someone isn't loyal to you, you immediately start blaming yourself. in your life you may lack intimacy, and while it may make you feel better at first, based on the rest of your chart you actually need someone on your side. you can't do everything on your own. you need to find someone that projects your ideals of love. if you need a free-spirit, go look for one. it may take you a while, but if you learn all the lessons you need to learn from your breakups, you'll be able to live a peaceful life with your spouse.

virgo moon square gemini mars: your feelings are very intense. you may tend to react aggressively, or at least overreact. you feel the constant need to express your emotions, but you also want to be understood by others. you tend to be aggressive because you're actually afraid that others may be the first ones to hurt you. you don't really do it with malice, it's your way to defend yourself from eventual enemies. this placement also indicates that your childhood / family life was or will be quite turbulent. to cope with this placement, I'd suggest you to be a little bit more mechanic when you express your feelings. you don't have to hide them, just try not to vent all your anger around.

virgo moon conjunct virgo jupiter: you're an outgoing and warm person, who always tries to make others feel at ease. I assume you try to be nice to everyone, but you can't help but be a little awkward around people you don't know. you go with the flow and don't shy away from challenges. they're moments to prove your potential and abilities. you are an extremely open-minded person, you rarely judge a book by its cover. you probably despise racism, homophobia, misogyny etc. with a passion (as you should tbh). you may also be into poetry, philosophy, and just anything that can stimulate both your mind and feelings. in fact, your mind is constantly wandering somewhere else, allowing you to travel with your fantasy. you're also probably attracted to foreign things, like people, music, fashion, languages, movies etc. you love learning about anything, and you may also have a good memory. in fact, it’s common for you to be the one who explains things and possibly even leads a group, and this could unluckily make you seem as a know-it-all. you do take pride in your wisdom, indeed. your deep way of thinking is also where your desire for freedom comes from, as you wish to be able to expand yourself through travelling and new experiences. when you get angry, you can actually get very rude and offensive, even towards authorities. you’re short-tempered, and you despise being told what to do. you’re also a good, loyal friend, and you’re the type to stand up for them and defend them during a fight.

🗣 mercury in taurus, 0° / 1st decan ruled by venus

this is the most quiet taurus decan, yet also the most precise and analytical. you care a lot about grammar, you don't want to make any mistakes. looking ridiculous is your biggest fear, hence you end up overworking to prove yourself that you're capable to do anything you want. you have a slow way of thinking and speaking. your voice may sound really calm and pleasant to hear, yet still strict and ambitious. you’re probably a good singer, or at least have the potential to become one. you tend to overthink a lot, but you eventually get to a conclusion and stick to it. no one is gonna change your mind. you enjoy learning and working in creative ways; you might enjoy using powerpoints, flashcards or maybe study with your friends, or listening to music. you also probably have a nice, aesthetic handwriting and you like organizing your agenda. your voice is probably very soft and youthful.

❤️ venus in taurus, 29° / 3rd decan ruled by venus and saturn

you seek long-lasting relationships. you're very romantic, and this fixed influence gives you high standards for your partner, you stay back from players. you look for someone you can always count on, and that is willing to support you through thick and thin. it may take you a while to find someone worth to be your lover, but once you find them, you'll always be loyal to them as long as they're respectful. they're your most precious possession, hence you're very jealous and protective of them. if it becomes unhealthy for both you and your partner, it's surely an issue you have to solve, maybe together. you're also the type who likes to be spoiled by their lover, and wants to make lovely gifts as well. these gifts don't have to be expensive, even homemade things are fine. for example, you may melt at the thought of your significant other taking their time and do something exclusively for you, like baking a cake or writing a poem. little gestures that show you their love. in a potential partner, you also care about how they present themselves. I'm not necessarily talking about conventional beauty, but more on a self-care side. you like people who smell good, have a nice fashion sense and maybe people that are quite conceited too (obviously not to the point of narcissism).

💥 mars in gemini, 7° / 1st decan ruled by mercury

you’re driven by the sense of intelligence. your intellect is your greatest strenght, it’s your energy tank. you’re interested in a bunch of things, and hence you may have trouble staying focused on one thing at the time. you probably have tons of hobbies, and you may end up not being much precise since you have tons of things that you have and want to do. you can’t stand boredom, you need your day-to-day life to be exciting and, above all, offer you something new to learn and / or experience. you probably fancy being very active: you go out often, you workout, you may also be the type to love partying and things like that. you’re extremely witty and curious, and you want to live your life to the fullest. you may often change your style, your opinions, maybe even your personality, and that could make you seem confusing and / or unreliable.

gemini mars square virgo jupiter: you easily come off as more assertive and arrogant than you actually are. you say things impulsively, and sometimes you’re too blunt and hurt people’s feelings. you don’t do it on purpose, though, there’s no malice behind your acts; it’s just your natural way to express your opinions. you’re also very competitive, and this may make you look selfish. on a positive side, you probably have a naturally nice body (or maybe you react fast to diet/workout). to cope with this placement, you can try doing something fun to challenge your mind, basically get out of your comfort-zone. of course you don’t have to overdo it, but it would be beneficial. in fact, it’s when you’re both physically and mentally active that you’re able to come up with even better ideas, as you’re full of creativity.

🏡 houses

your 1st house is in taurus, with also mercury and venus placed there. you have a slow, cautious approach to the world. you don’t like rushing things, you prefer taking your time on any decision you make, it doesn’t matter whether it’s about what to wear or even about your future career. you’re fond of arts, creativity and self-expression in general, and people may actually know you for your creativity. you are a fast-thinker, even though that doesn't mean you always take the right choices. in fact, you can change your mind very often. you probably have a beautiful, melodic voice, even though it's likely very loud. you also speak as fast as you think, making it hard sometimes to keep up with you in a speech. you could also switch from a topic to another casually. you don't really enjoy thinking about the past nor the future, you only care about the present and you live it they way you feel; hence, you're not really the type to care about learning from your mistakes. you always see the positive side of them, which can be both good and bad actually. that's because you're quite stubborn, it's hard to make you change your mind. you enjoy fun, exciting relationships. you're the type who's looking for a risktaker, even dangerous partner. you hate boredom, and this may be your weakness regarding this placement; that is, once the relationship starts getting more serious, you feel as if it's going down, when it's actually the opposite. hence, you just run towards a new adventure. this placement may even give you the reputation of being a player, but I don't think it's your case based on your others placements. you have to understand that relationships can get boring, but that's not necessarily a red flag. it just means you two are starting to feel comfortable together. you also enjoy physical contact, therefore cold partners are a no no for you. you need someone who's affectionate yet bold, and that would spoil you with attention and gifts.

your 2nd house is in gemini, mars is also sitting there. you’re probably very intelligent, and your skills are what boost your self-esteem. you’re also capable of doing more than one thing at the same time. you could make money from communication, hence you could become a writer, a singer, a theraphist, a judge, even an influencer. anything that involves the use of words. you may also be quite intelligent, and your intellect and ideas are what make you feel most confident. you love challenging your mind, but you're kind of lazy. you'd rather stimulate yourself through your hobbies and interests rather than using school / work, which are quite stressful for you. you need to find something material and concrete to motivate you and make you assertive. you could study just because you need a good grade, or maybe work just to get paid. you don't really do it with interest, as you care more about nurturing your passions than responsibilities. you're not really into conflicts; you'd rather be peaceful with everyone, as you find it a waste time to argue with someone.

your 3rd house is in cancer. your parents were probably successful in school and university, and they passed down their knowledge to you. maybe, you may have the same interests or passions as them, or perhaps they want you to be academically successful just like them. you may also find yourself talking about your memories, as you’re very attached to them, or even directly about your childhood/parents. saturn is also sitting in this house: you can come off as cold by the way you speak. when you're speaking to someone you're not close to, you choose your words more wisely and patiently; with your friends, on the other hand, you take off your mask and you just act the way you feel to. you may also be the type to give dry answers, such as 'ok', 'alright', 'good' and so on. your tone is calm and placid, while your voice sounds quite youthful, but still with a note of steadiness. you're funny, but your humor is more sarcasm-based. you're not intimidated easily; even when someone tries to argue with you, you don't back up from it. you may dive deep into your mind to find the right answer you to your problem. even if it takes you some time, you manage to find a solution. a downside to this is that you may lack patience. probably, when you were little you started talking / reading later than other kids, and maybe you were teased for that. in the worst case, this placement could also indicate that your mother had a miscarriage.

your 4th house is in leo. your family had great expectations of you, which could have eventually led to anxiety/self-esteem issues. on the other hand, your parents cared about you, and they always made sure that you had everything you needed. if you have siblings, you were most likely the favourite child in the family, or at least you were spoiled by your parents, both with material things and affection. overall, your childhood wasn’t much turbulent, even though your parents most likely were quite strict with you. there could have been lots of arguing as well aside from restrictions, and hence it was hard for you to establish a proper emotional bond with them. because of that, you may feel a little insecure now, as you may constantly feel misunderstood by others.

your 5th house is in libra, with also the moon and jupiter placed there. you’re very creative, and you try to make beauty out of your imagination. you’re probably into music, art, photography, fashion… things like that. you’d also like to experience light romance, and you may enjoy the idea of socializing with others. you feel fulfilled when you’re able to spend time with your loved ones, even though this may make you struggle embracing your indipendence. your hobbies could involve foreign matters, and hence you may be into foreign cultures, languages, or even stuff like movies, music, and so on. you probably have hobbies that broaden your mind, and hence you could also be a very spiritual and / or religious person. you may also have a knack for philosophy, writing, psychology, etc. you can be quite dramatic when you express your reactions; e.g. you scream when you're angry, or maybe you get really loud when you're excited or happy about something. you could also vent your emotions punching things, for example. just like the sun, the heat of your emotions needs to be felt by those who surround you. you just want the best for anyone, even though people may take advantage of this generosity of yours. in addition, you could hardly ever say no, especially to people you're not close to. your heart is aligned with your feelings; you're naturally kind-hearted, you're prone to say things as you feel them. on the other hand, you may not be aware of how your thoughts may influence others. you're also very artistic! you might be into drawing/painting, or at least into art history, or maybe literature, poetry etc. anything that involves creativity and self-expresssion. you can be quite egotistic regarding your emotions: you always try to interpret people's feelings, so you get deeply upset when people don't understand you, especially when they don't even try.

your 6th house is in libra. it’s hard for you to show your love with words, hence you do it with little gestures. you probably remember stuff like their birthday, their favorite food etc., and you wouldn’t mind receiving the same kind of affection back. when it comes to love, you’re not a risk-taker; you probably prefer being courted rather than court others, and if you do it, you make sure that the other person likes you back. you enjoy helping others, you’re the type of friend or lover that wouldn’t hesitate to do favors. yet, you want to be appreciated, otherwise you may just feel used. you may be quite hard to satisfy, but you’re surely very loyal. in your daily life, you could be surrounded by beauty and aesthetically-pleasant places. perhaps you work in fashion, you could be a mua, a hairdresser... you may also find your true love at work, or at least you get to date your co-workers/classmates often. you most likely involve beauty, art, aesthetics and creativity in your daily routine. your home environment probably looks very neat and well-designed. you care a lot about it, as much as you care about yourself; you put a lot of attention in your outfits and looks too, and you most likely love shopping. this is another placement that indicates that your ideal career should serve your need for creativity and self-expression.

your 7th house is in scorpio. you tend to attract very intense partners. your future spouse will be very loyal and fond of you, but they may be a little too obssessed with you. it will be a very intimate relationship, but you may struggle with control. in fact, you’ll most likely be both very possessive and easily jealous, and there may be some arguments regarding this issue. with this placement, you may also attract ‘broken’ people, such as drug dealers, alcoholics, abusers… yet, as I’ve already mentioned, you also have the moon in this house, which makes you luckier when it comes to love. you’ll most likely avoid this type of people, but your relationships will still be very karmic. they may be painful, as you love hard when you fall for someone, but they’ll be crucial for your self-growth. once you find someone right for you, they'll feel like family to you, as if you've known them forever. you'll be able to feel extremely comfortable and free with them.

your 8th house is in sagittarius, with also pluto placed there. you’re very curious when it comes to taboo topics, you like learning about them. you’re probably into conspiracy theories, as well as matters like astrology, tarots, horror, tragedies, mystery... you can use them to transform yourself and grow up, so you could definitely use this birth chart reading to improve yourself. 8th house is also the house of karma, and yours is kind of strange. you may often feel like you’re right about something, e.g the sky is blue. you’re very proud of your observation, but then it turns out to be different. it’s like the universe is constantly teaching you new things. luckily, this is something that gets better with time. in addition, having sagittarius here is great, as jupiter kind of protects you from the 8th house’s malefic themes. all the negative things that could happen to you, are actually blessings that are here to help you. you just need to be a little bit more optimistic, the universe has your back.

your 9th house is in capricorn. you have a pragmatic approach to philosophy, school and experiences in general. for example, you may be the type to plan every day of a travel. at school, you were probably the type to prefer more logical subjects, but I assume that you were good at all of them. yet, you may often get lost in your thoughts and get unmotivated from time to time. you’re also extremely open-minded, you hardly ever have prejudices. you surely don’t judge people from their sexuality, skin colour etc, you actually dislike that kind of things.

your 10th house is in aquarius with also your neptune placed there. you want to stand out from the crowd, you strive to establish your own morals and beliefs. you don’t want to conform to anything and anyone, as you’re a trend-setter and you want to be seen as such. you’d rather have a job where you can handle your work yourself, rather than having a boss. in fact, aquarius in this house makes you extremely resolute and motivated to achieve your goals and be independent. you may not be much interested in love, and if you are, you don’t overlook career either. having a stable and successful future that makes you happy is the key for happiness in your life. it could take you some time at first to be recognized for your efforts. you may easily experience 'almost-winner’ situation, and hence you could often make silly mistakes that ruin your work. it’s important to be focused when working, especially for you. yet, once you know how to balance this tricky energy and get your stuff together, you’ll earn a reputation for being an innovative and original person. you may be quite artistic, creative and emotional, you’ll probably focus your life on self-expression. with mars in this house, you are most likely going to be independent at work, you'll most likely have your own business. you could possibly work online as well, you could earn money through the internet.

your 11th house is in pisces. uranus is also sitting there. you probably had problems with your friendships in your early years. you could have been too shy to approach people, hence you struggled to befriend them. or maybe, you used to gossip around, and that led you to lose them. or perhaps, you’re too work-oriented to find some spare time to hang out with others, and hence you end up losing your bond with them. in the best case, you may have quite spiritual / religious friends, or perhaps they’re your soulmates, they were a part of your past life. you have this habit of idealizing them a bit; that is, you may be too picky in choosing your friends. you’re probably looking for the type of friend that’d literally throw themselves under a car to save you, but it’s hard to actually find someone like that. open up more and accept others as they are. you don’t necessarily need to be with them for a long time, but make sure to learn your lessons from them.

your 12th house is in aries. the sun is also sitting there. there’s this side of you that is very bold and daring, but you struggle to let it out. it’s hidden in you, and you only show this side of yourself to those who can understand you. you’re also extremely scared of physical violence, like rape, fights, wars… they’re probably your deepest fears. the sun in this house gives you a weak sense of identity, you may struggle to figure yourself out. because of that, you may be drawn to tools like astrology, tarots, mbti, ect. to learn more about yourself. you could want to be seen as bolder than you are, hence you could struggle with identity crisis, especially during your teenage years. you have your own morals and beliefs, but you could feel influenced by others to change yours. luckily, this is something that gets better with time, as you start being more aware of your persona and you start loving yourself. you're most probably a very complex individual. you're a sort of chameleon; you act differently based on where you are and who you're with. you could be a savage with someone, an introvert with someone else.

❤️ love life, soulmates

in love you attract scorpio, gemini, virgo, sagittarius, capricorn, cancer and aquarius. your future spouse will most likely have aquarius and capricorn traits; they’ll be extremely intelligent and astute, with a great thrist for knowledge of any kind. yet, they’ll also have a warm, soft, almost childish vibe to them that will make you feel like a teenager again. you’ll most likely meet them in your natal country, during or after a period of growth and transformation in your life. they’ll also be probably older than you. your children will have virgo, cancer and sagittarius traits as well: they’ll be extremely intelligent and witty, maybe a bit too paranoid and moody, but also very fond of their parents, especially of you. they’ll love playing around, but they could be a bit immature. they’ll also love being spoiled with affection, as well as material things.

👶🏻 family life

your mother is probably very hard-working, and she has a strong role in your family. she loves being spoiled and appreciated, together with receiving attention. yet, she could sometimes be quite superficial because of that, but deep down she’s very romantic and mannered. she may have leo placements, or maybe aquarius, capricorn, pisces or scorpio. your father is a bit more unpredictable, he could be moody and therefore you may argue with him more often, and he might be an aquarius or have any type of water/sagittarius placement in his chart. yet, he also has a very sweet and outgoing side to him that he may struggle to let out. if you have siblings, they’re probably cancers/water signs. you have a very pleasant relationship with them, you're all very playful and generous and you used to always stand up for each other, even though there could have been a bit of competition between you.

📊 career

as I’ve already mentioned above, you most likely have great communication skills and writing abilities. you’re very logical and precise, you’d definitely do well in a field that requires calm and organization. I can also picture you being an amazing teacher or even professor. based on your other placements, you could also do well at literally any creative career! you may be a dancer, a singer, or even something more complex like a creative director. otherwise, you could also be successful as a designer of any kind, an architect, a scientist… something that allows you to be mostly independent, but that can still guarantee you mental stimulation and a decent income, and that also allows you to use your creative venusian energy. I also see you working in the spotlight, you could possibly become a celebrity or at least you may get famous on the internet.

👚 fashion sense, style analysis

with your heavy venus presence, I'm sure you're very elegant. even if you're just wearing a sweatshirt with pants, you still manage to make it look so expensive and particular. you may like pastel, light colours, or even earthy shades like kaki, brown etc. you prefer using comfortable clothes, but you definitely know how to dress up when you have to. you might also be very fond of accessories, like jewellery and bags. you may also enjoy buying designer clothes, but even if they're cheaper, you want them to be of a nice quality. you may also enjoy going thrift shopping, as you may like wearing 'timeless' items, such as white shirts, blazers, coats, classic heels... basically, versatile clothes that are a must in your wardrobe, as they've always been trendy. you could also love oversized fits, as well as 80s/90s aesthetic.

👁 past life, life purpose

in your past life, the focus was on your relationships with others. maybe, you had troubles with self-esteem and identity in general and you used to depend on others. you had to work hard and finally understand how to build healthy relationships with others to fulfill your past life purpose. hence, this lifetime your focus will be yourself. even though at first you might feel quite insecure, this lifetime you're here to develop this matter. after all, saturn will give you many lessons in order to transform yourself and grow into a better person.

🤔 major transits analysis / september 14

the sun is currently in virgo, meaning that it's transiting your 5th house conjunct your jupiter and moon conjunction. this is an extremely positive time for you! in fact, having the planet of abundance and luck conjunct the planet of energy means that you're motivated to work hard and achieve your goals! it's the best time to start a diet, a workout routine, study, dive into a new hobby... you're also probably feeling very confident in these days, you feel the need to step out of your comfort-zone.

🧿 manifest what you want, secret skills

your secret skills revolve around finances and just security in general. with a positive attitude, you may attract material luck: money, clothes, houses… everything that you desire. since you’re a logical person, I assume the most efficient way for you to manifest through the LOA is writing! take a notebook and just write down positive affirmations, such as 'I have the car of my dreams’ etc. you may also write them on post-its and glue them around your house, so that you can accelerate the progress. you can also try to idealize your wish before trying to manifest it. for example, if you want a new sweatshirt, try to imagine yourself wearing it. you could also go into a shop and actually try that sweatshirt it on; being in contact with it will boost the law of attraction even more.

and this is it! thank you again for booking a reading, hope it resonated with you :)

-libramc xx

[worldwidebt7]

Hell(L)ing || 01

§ — Pairing: Chimera!Taehyung x Empath!Reader (with mentions of Reader x Other Members)

§ — Genre: SciFi AU, fluff, angst, smut, horror

§ — Wordcount: 3,160

§ — Rating: M

§ — Warnings: Seokjin’s ego...? This chapter is as clean as Jungkookie’s vocals.

§ — A/N: So, this was originally supposed to be for @bang-tan-bitches​ “Monster Mash Challenge,” but I’ve clearly failed to make deadline for that… There’s just so much more to this story than I had originally anticipated, I even decided to make it multi-chapter! I’ve been in such a writing mood the last couple of weeks. I got like this last year too around this time, which is how this blog even got started. I know you guys are waiting on the next chapter of “Black or White,” but I’ve got a couple commissions I need to get out and I really need to get some of this writing itch out of my system. I know I’m not the best writer, but I hope you enjoy it none-the-less! The first couple of chapters are kind of slow, but I’m trying to build suspense, so bear with me!

Summary: You moved out into the wilderness to live a calm, peaceful life. Your abilities made it impossible to live in crowded places, so even if you wanted to you couldn’t return. But when something happens outside the realm of even your normalcy, you start to think that maybe having everyone else’s emotions bearing down on you isn’t such a bad alternative to being trapped with your own.

The lake house was your sanctuary.

The little house stood within walking distance of the largest lake near your city, and while it was a man-made lake, nothing about the surrounding woodlands was artificial in anyway. Tall trees and greenery stretched as far as the eye could see to the south, east, and west of your home. The north, however, was reserved for the brilliant view of the lake.

From the large wall of windows in your modest A-frame style cottage, each morning you watched the sun flood light over the waters from the east, warming you as you sat in your plush, circular lounge chair with your morning coffee. Each night, the moon sprinkled diamonds across its surface, sending you to sleep with stars in your dreams. Yes, this place was ideal for you in every way— quiet, surrounded by the calm of nature, and, most importantly, secluded. You couldn’t be near people, not because you particularly disliked others of your species, but because it physically hurt you to be among them in large throngs. Some would ask why; why push others away, why live by yourself in the middle of the woods?

It was because you were an empath; a decidedly difficult thing to live with from your experience.

It hadn’t always been as unbearable as it has in your recent years— when you were younger you embraced your gift, loved it even. You enjoyed how special it made you feel and you wanted to share it with others. So much so, that you graduated college and opened up what some would call a ‘spiritual business.��� And, at first, it was wonderful. You were able to help and entertain people with something that came so naturally to you, and many sought you out almost like a therapist. Of course, you were far more successful giving them insights to themselves, as you could read their emotions as clearly as watching television.

Well, of course it wasn’t as simple as that— it was more like feeling an electrical current through your body that was connected to a person’s emotions, and each emotion was laced with a color that would flash across your eyes like pulse. It was honing in on other’s emotions that caused you to shut yourself away as you did. The more you did it, the stronger your gift had become and the more in tune you became with others’ emotional states. When you first began, you would have to hug a person or hold their hand in order to access your ability. Soon, anyone within close vicinity of you was enough to get a read on them.

Now, it was anyone within nearly a 500-foot radius of you would bombard you with their happiness, sorrow, anger, and affection. You had tried your best to manage it— only taking a handful of appointments a day and heading straight home when they were complete. You no longer visited your favorite cafes, went to see a film in theaters, and it had become impossible for you to even go grocery shopping. It was at this revelation, and one too many nights suffering through the spikes of passion during your neighbors’ love-making sessions, that you were forced to move out of the city and into the wilderness.

And, finally, with some peace, you were able to live semi-normally. You missed people, more often than not as it seemed, but you have come to terms with your life. You were no longer using your abilities to do readings or holding technically unlicensed therapy sessions, and instead had somehow picked up writing. You were told that the way you described human emotion was ‘far beyond what a singular-introspect should be able to accomplish’ and you supposed it was because of your once adored gift. And while you were content living in solitude, you relished in the days when you had visitors.

It may not be frequent, but you still had friends that came to visit with you, as well as your editor and a cute delivery guy who brings you your groceries every two weeks. The grocery boy, Jungkook, who’s name you finally managed to pull out of him after three months of seeing his round nervous eyes in awkward silence, was the person you saw most often. At first, you thought it was sad, seeing as he didn’t talk to you at all besides a quick “thank you, have a good day” at the end of his visits before scurrying away, making the only person you saw on a regular basis someone you didn’t even talk to, not that you didn’t try. You could tell he was nervous, uncomfortable around strangers, but there was something else more pungent beneath that kept him wary— fear.

Once he had become comfortable enough to talk to you, he had confided that there were quite a few rumors spreading around about you— the most prominent being that you were a witch. You laughed, though it was not totally far from the truth. He seemed a bit unnerved by your laughter, so you smiled at him and told him that you had once owned a spiritual business and, for the first time in months, offered to give him a reading. He accepted, suddenly less afraid and more curious of you, and the two of you have been friends ever since.

You weren’t supposed to see Jungkook for another week or so, his deliveries come on every first and third Friday of the month, and you normally impatiently wait for his company until then, however, this coming Monday, you were to see your editor, Kim Namjoon, who works for Big Hit Publishing. He was an excellent writer himself, but that never caused any imposition of his own style onto his clients’, which you appreciated greatly.

Now, as you had said before, you were supposed to be getting a visit from Namjoon on Monday, and today was currently Wednesday, so imagine your surprise when a series of emotions enter your senses just after midday, signaling the approach of another human being approaching your door. Brows furrowed, you pluck yourself out of your plush chair and set down the book you were currently engrossed in. You were expecting to have a relaxing, empty day today, but the universe seems to have other plans for you.

The first waves you pick up are timid and non-threatening, so you assumed they were a friendly stranger in need of something. You stood by the door and waited your guest to knock, as you had learned that it was quite abnormal to open the door for someone before they announced themselves. When the rapping at the door finally came, you still postponed opening the door for a beat to make it appear as if you had walked away from whatever you were doing.

Taking a deep breath to steel yourself, you opened the door, coming face-to-face with a tall stranger with plush lips and broad shoulders. You blinked, giving him a once-over. Long legs, toned, from what you could see. A slim, yet sturdy middle that branched out to his wide shoulders which were the perfect podium for the long neck that lead to his perfect face. Dark eyes, straight nose, and, oddly, appealing purple hair. Why purple? You wonder to yourself, but before you can delve any further into that thought a charming smile spreads across his lips.

“Hello!” He chirps in a light tone. You return the greeting, finally broken from the stupor the attractive man had put you in. “I’m Kim Seokjin! I just moved into a house just a-ways up the lake.” He introduced himself as he held out his hand for you to shake. You looked at it warily for a moment before taking it lightly. You have to stop yourself from flinching as another wave of electric emotions filled your senses. Nervousness— from meeting someone new? Fear— perhaps he has heard the rumors about you. And something else… something you don’t have much experience with, so you can’t pinpoint what it is. Over all, nothing too peculiar about this man besides his hair color.

“Y/N,” you managed after you pushed through his sensation of your powers. Seokjin nodded at you as if confirming that he’s learned your name and released your hand, slipping his own into the pocket of his trousers. You shifted a bit, your own discomfort becoming apparent. You weren’t used to dealing with people anymore, let alone strangers. It’s been just over a year since you separated yourself from society, so your social skills were rather impaired now.

“It’s lovely to meet you,” He said cheerfully, and you felt his nervousness fade fractionally. “I just wanted to come meet the only neighbor I have for miles and offer my services!” You gave him an incredulous look, but his enthusiasm didn’t waiver.

“Your services?” You couldn’t help the playful hint that leaked its way into your voice. The man was rather… boisterous, to put it kindly, and he had an air of confidence around him that made you believe he knew how good-looking he was.

“Yes!” He chirped, pulling his hand out of his pocket and holding a small business card out to you. “If you ever need anything, just give me a call!” He grinned down at you and you returned with a pleasant smile, taking the card from him carefully to avoid brushing his fingers with yours. “After all, it’s not often you’ll get a neighbor as attractive as me!” At that, your smile fell and you blinked at him once more with wide eyes. His laughter filled your ears, obviously amused with himself and your reaction, and you couldn’t help the awkward chuckle that escaped you too. How were you supposed to respond to that?

“Uh, yes, well… thank you, Mr. Kim.” You held up his card, forcing a smile his way. You had no idea how to deal with such a man— he wasn’t like anyone you’ve met before. Your friends were confident, yes, but this guys just set a new standard.

“Seokjin, or Jin, please,” he corrected. “Mr. Kim is my father. Or that crazy old guy who’s constantly yelling at youths about laziness and too much PDA. Ah, no, that’s still my father….” At that you gave a sincere chuckle. Giant Narcissistic complex aside, he seemed like a relatively good guy, and with your constant loneliness perhaps it was time you became friendly with one neighbor. It doesn’t hurt that he is, unfortunately, as good looking as he implies. You fiddled with the card in your fingers.

“Seokjin, then,” You looked at the floor shyly. “Thank you.” His grin widens and he nods, putting his hand back in his pocket.

“Of course!” He tilted his head to look around your form and into your home and gave a low whistle. “Nice place! You should invite me over to dinner sometime!” Ah, that ego again. Of course, you could only be so ‘honored’ to have someone as good-looking as him come to your place for dinner. Seokjin’s personality has seemed to break through your walls as you snort at his comment.

“It’s rather impolite to invite yourself to dinner. Maybe I’ll just show up at your place next time,” you joked, giggling a bit, when the air around you turned sour. Panic— panic— panic— he was panicking. Why? It was so strong; why was he panicked? Oh, god it was everywhere, it was suffocating. But as you looked at his face, it was as calm and charming as ever, a kind smile still gracing his pillow-y lips.

“Spare me the embarrassment, please— you wouldn’t believe it with how put-together and beautiful I am, but my home is an absolute disaster!” He laughed, and it was such a stark difference from the emotions radiating off of him that it made your head spin. You schooled your expression though, making it seem as if nothing was off.

“A-ah, I see,” You cleared your throat, trying to extinguish the panic he was pouring into you. “Well, then, if I ever make too much food…” You trailed off slightly, causing him to hum.

“Give me a call! I’ll be happy to eat whatever you have extra!” He took that moment to smoothly end the conversation. “Well, I should head home! Maybe try to get my house into presentable condition.” Seokjin gave a light chuckle before stepped back away from your door and began backtracking. “It was nice to meet you Miss Y/N!” He waved, and you strained a smile before returning the gesture with a small wave of your own.

“You as well, Seokjin,” And with that, he turned on his heel and headed down your driveway to where you finally noticed his sporty little white Hyundai is parked. You watched him get into his vehicle and begin backing out of your dirt driveway before you closed your front door and leaned against it, breathing in your first lungful of unencumbered air now that Seokjin is driving away and taking his heavy emotions with him.

What was that? The moment you suggested visiting his home he put off wave after wave of terror. Was he uncomfortable with people entering his home? No, even if it were a mess, there’s no reason to get that worked up about visitors. Especially since it didn’t seem like he had anxiety. No, it seemed more like… like he had something to hide?

Ah.

You pushed away from your door and made your way back to your chair overlooking the lake, more focused now with your clarity. That ‘something else’ that you hadn’t been able to identify earlier when you first saw him standing in front of your house.

It was deception.

The next two days pass without incident. Seokjin had not stopped by again, nor did you attempt to contact him. After your first meeting, you figured rushing to get to know him may not be in your best interests considering the electric negative emotions he had bombarded you with. Panic, fear, anxiety— all leading to the revelation that he was hiding something from you. Still, he didn’t seem like a bad person.

This was one of the rare times where you were getting two very different readings and felt as if you couldn’t completely rely on your gift. Usually you were able to weed people out easily— both a blessing and a curse— which is why you only have a handful of people you actually trusted. This one, however, was quite confusing…

“Kim Seokjin…” You muttered to yourself, tapping your pen against your notepad. You had been trying to jot down notes for the next book you were planning, but all you could think about was Kim-fucking-Seokjin.

You groaned and tossed your pen onto the kitchen table. You had decided to work there today since you couldn’t seem to get anything done in your office yesterday, but as it turns out it wasn’t the setting that was bothering you, but your mind. Of all the times to have writers block, it had to be now— the weekend before your meeting with Namjoon to discuss the proposal for your next book. You had just about everything you needed, except how to start it. Endings were always your strength; your novels always started with the ending and you worked your story backwards. Beginnings were always slow and uneventful; they were so tedious to get through with character introductions and setting descriptions. Ugh. Torture.

With a huff, you gave up, pushing away from the table and standing up. Your gaze drifted over to the lake; maybe some time out of the house would help clear your head. Taking your socks off before you can have second thoughts, you tread to the glass door leading out to your backyard. You quickly make your way across your patio and on to the lush green lawn, the blades of grass tickling your feet as you strolled down, down, further down until the grass ended and sand began. Your stride didn’t stop until your toes touched the cool water and you bend over to roll the sweatpants you’re wearing up to your knees in order to take a further step into the lake.

A relieved sigh slipped through your lips as you tilted your face towards the sky and let the warm breeze caress your troubled body while you thought. You hadn’t had an issue with reading someone like you were having with Seokjin in quite some time, and it was bothering you more than a little bit. Your instincts were telling you that he was good: kind, silly, and a little [read: a fuckton] egotistical. But your readings… they were throwing you off entirely. Your gut or your abilities— which one do you rely on in this situation?

Splashing in the water to your right breaks through your thoughts and you whip your head around to see what it is. At first, you didn’t see anything; the splashing sounded a bit further away from your current location, but the serene quiet that lays over the lake like a delicate shroud allows sound to travel. You focused, straining your eyes to try and pick out any detail that doesn’t belong to the scenery, until a small figure appears in the distance.

‘It’s… a boy?’ Curious. Seokjin said he moved in just up the lake, but, to you, this doesn’t look like your new neighbor. To start, this man had dark hair, and while Seokjin’s purple hair wasn’t particularly bright, you’d still be able to differentiate the splash of color against the natural scenery. Another thing was he was staring right at you, and yet made no move to greet you in any way. You shifted under his stare— it was unnerving to say the least, and it didn’t help that he was far enough away that your empath capabilities couldn’t pick up on his intentions.

So, deciding to end the uncomfortable stare-down, you lifted a hand to wave at him silently. The boy did nothing in return; in fact, if you had to guess, he hadn’t even blinked either. You slowly retracted your hand and began chewing on your bottom lip as another revelation hit you. Seokjin didn’t mention anything about a roommate, and everything on this stretch of lakeside property was private property. You certainly hadn’t seen him before, and so begs the question: who is this man and where did he come from?

Suddenly, the man’s attention was caught by something else, his head snapping towards the trees. For a moment, he did nothing else as you continued to scrutinize his every move. However, he only looked at you once more before turning fully to the trees and striding quickly into them with purpose. You stared in unrestricted wonder at the spot he had just been standing, before turning and walking back inside your house, locking all of your doors for safe measure.

[sanstropfremir]

I absolutely LOVED reading your kingdom review. You gave me such an insight in things I never even considered, especially since our rankings are so different from each other. The Boyz was my favorite, the narrative was about RTK. How they felt bad for having to compete against their friends but eventually the groups only lifted each other up and it helped TBZ grow into the group they are now through the hardships and mental dilemma, falling into the next challenge right after they reached the top. It should have been more obvious though, I agree, it wasn't really visible for anyone who didn't know. I was wondering how you felt about the dancing in general? my reason for not ranking BTOB high was lack of choreo (and Peniel's verse), same goes for SF9. Mostly because I don't feel the hype when watching, it doesn't keep my focus on the stage. As a baby-performer myself, my goal is to make the viewer curious about what's next. is that the wrong way to look at it? that's what I've always been told, building the tension up and down to create focus. would love to hear your feedback on that! thank you so much for sharing, we need more reviews of people who actually know what they're talking about.

i'm glad that you got some insight from it! like i answered in the previous ask im here to hopefully bring some more depth and understanding for people that care and are curious!

you unintentionally proved my point about tbz’s performance: that is way too complicated! even the most talented solo dancers i can think of would have trouble distilling that down to something readable in 100 seconds, much less a group of like, a dozen people! the introductory stages are meant to show us the character of the group and their abilities in the most concise way possible, it's not the stage to do deep philosophical and emotional introspection. for a full stage? absolutely, go hog wild! but for this stage it was too ambitious and ultimately was ineffective to anyone that isn't a fan of them specifically. 

by dancing in general do you mean like, every group? i put most of my opinions on the dancing where i had them in each of the individual rankings but honestly? unless there is something that really stands out positively or negatively, a lot of ‘average’ kpop dance looks the same to me. i know it’s not, obviously, and if pressed i probably could do a more serious breakdown, but dance is only one element of performance. it has equal weight with all the others in my mind, and therefore i notice when it is either 

very good

does something unique

very bad, or

interferes with another element

which is the same as how i evaluate every element, if that makes sense. 

hmmmm. i thought about this a lot in the shower and turns out i had more opinions that i expected so i'll put them under a cut.

firstly, i don't think lack of choreo should be penalized or considered an ‘incomplete’ performance. at the end of the day, these are bands, and a part of their brand/product they sell is the music. complex choreo does not need to be attached to that to make it a successful performance. also, btob did have choreo. any movement on stage is technically choreography. but this terminology can cause confusion so usually non-dance choreo is referred to as ‘blocking.’ but they also did include the song’s original point choreo at 1.41. the blocking in their performance was well thought out and suited the arrangement, by placing spatial emphasis on each part of the song that needed it. obviously it comes down to personal taste if the performance is ultimately ‘successful,’ because all art is subjective, but just because something isn't as visually complex as something else doesn’t mean it doesn't have the same level of thought. think of it like this: one is a super clean-lined post-post-modern grey/white living room, and the other is a kitsch goth basement. both share interior design principles and have obvious care put into the space, but they are vastly different styles that appeal to different tastes.

part of the job of production designer/AD is to decide what gets emphasis. a question you're always asking yourself is ‘is this important to the story that we’re trying to tell?’ and btob/their AD made a very smart choice with their introductory stage because it says a lot about them and their abilities in a short amount of time. that stage said ‘our foundation is strong, we have the training and experience and confidence to be up here and not rely on visual tricks.’ because they know they physically cannot do the things the 4th gen groups can; they're a decade older and they only have four members, it's just not feasible. something you learn with experience is the power that specific and pointed emphasis holds, which segues into my answer to your last question. i don't necessarily think that ‘building hype’ is the wrong way to perform something, but i do think it is a flawed way to approach creating a performance.

i think that ‘hype’ is flawed concept at its core, and one that focuses on the idea that there’s always being something more, something next, beyond the work itself. now there’s nothing wrong with playing with tension within the internal structure of a piece, that's exactly how constructing a narrative happens. however, the flaws come once we extrapolate beyond the boundaries of that individual work. the idea of ‘whats next’ implies that you have to constantly be promoting, have a sequel coming, building hype etc so people will keep engaged with your work. which is deeply capitalistic in nature and operates on the assumption that art exists purely as a product to be sold. and in order to keep selling you need to keep making a bigger and better and more spectacular product. and this is not the case at all. marketability is not the essence of art, it merely a factor of creating it under this insufferable system. kpop in particular suffers from this because the industry is specifically fabricated to produce capitol. we can have discussions all day about idols and their artistic integrity but at the end of that day, they are all cogs working with a system that was specifically made up by essentially one person to be culturally exported and to just print buckets of money. so in following that train of thought, there is a constant attitude of bigger and better because shock value (whether positive or negative) gets social media attention and therefore it sells. and it has become exponentially easier (and also seemingly required) to make things that are bigger and better than ever before. i remember being blown away by the projection floor at the sochi 2014 olympics because something of that scale and complexity would never have been possible without literally having the funding of the olympics. now that technology is easily accessible to anyone with an amazon account and the time to learn how isadora works. in comparison, it took 2400 YEARS for just the job of a ‘theatre designer’ to be even become a job at all.

because of kpop’s fan culture it is especially prone to ‘hype’ behaviour. in general with the accessibility of the internet and social media, everything has turned into a competition, and who can generate the most buzz ‘wins’. but ultimately that has taken away the general public’s ability to recognize that you can enjoy something quietly and you can enjoy something slowly. that the enjoyment of something doesn’t need to be all exclamation marks and keysmashes and trending hashtags on twitter. there is value in a work engaging in an emotion within you that is not just excitement. most of the artists and companies that i consume the work of i don’t do so because their work makes me excited, i do so because i liked the experience of engaging with that work. several years ago i saw the eternal tides by legend lin dance theatre, which you can watch a really short clip of here. that is not slow motion, that is actually how slow the dancers are moving. and 90% of the show is performed like that. and its two hours long. and it was one of the most incredible performances i've ever seen. if i ever get the chance I will go see another one of their shows again, not because i care about how they can top that experience i had, but because i know they can produce that experience, and that is enough to make me want to seek them out again. the speed of the internet has also loosened the general public’s understanding of just exactly how long creating a performance work can take. the lead dancer in the eternal tides was with the company for eight years before she and the piece were ready enough to be performed. large scale operas, musicals, and plays often have a year or more of pre-production before they even get to rehearsal. smaller theatre companies workshop new pieces for years at a time. performance is hard and it takes time. you can eliminate some of that with sheer amounts of money and people, which is what the kpop industry has done, but it speeds up the cycle of consumption to a degree that is not sustainable, especially for companies and creators who do not have that kind of access. performers and performance makers often don't put enough trust in their audiences. if they like what they see, they will come back. they dont need to be constantly bombarded with content at all times.

now that i’ve said a bit about why i think hype is a flawed concept, let's bring it back to kingdom. sf9 did something very interesting with their stage in that they actively chose to limit their dance time. and this plays very well off the performance film stage that taeyang did a couple of weeks ago. taeyang is talented and confident (for good reason), and his solo was incredible. but when it came to the intro stage, instead of trying to one-up the solo stage, the group instead said ‘well people are going to be looking at us because taeyang is insanely talented, so let's show them that we ALL have the confidence and the attitude to be up here.’ no need for flashy theatrics, they had the foresight to do something that would make them stand out from the rest of the groups. even if i was just casually watching the stages without doing any analysis on them (like i did for rtk), i would still be able to distinguish them because they had the stones to stand around for half their stage time. now i recognize them and would like to see what else they can do. same principle as what btob and also what ikon did. there is a fine line between anticipation and hype that gets equated in media consumption nowadays, but the two are not the same.

i think the tldr on this is that you dont need to ‘build hype’ or ‘go all out’ to make an interesting work. just focus on telling the narrative that you want to tell, and the people that recognize that will come. i could have a lot more things to say about peoples shrinking attention spans and the constant stream of information that we consume on a daily basis that devalues the labour done by artists in the eyes of the public and promotes hustle culture that is burning out and damaging creators at a rate that is both exponential and frightening, but that’s probably for another time, because this is SO LONG

[neuxue]

Wheel of Time liveblogging: Towers of Midnight ch 6

Morgase serves tea and makes a choice

Chapter 6: Questioning Intentions

Oh man Morgase POV is always sad.

Though I suppose her situation now is arguably better than it’s been in…oh…ten books or so, so maybe it will get better for her.

Right now, she’s serving tea.

Tam al’Thor, the simple farmer with the broad shoulders and the calm manners.

And also your in-law. Well, sort of. I mean, it’s complicated.

Okay sorry now I’m distracted by the thought of how absurd those family dinners would be. You’ve got Rand, Elayne, Min, and Aviendha (we’re just going to count that bonding as a marriage because to all intents and purposes…), then Tam, Morgase, Min’s aunts (are they alive? Why can I not remember this?), probably Amys given the sister-bonding ceremony, and if she’s there Rhuarc and Lian probably would be as well. Then Birgitte and Niella and Galad and Gawyn, and that’s just the immediate family but would you also have to extend a courtesy invite to Alanna, and therefore also Ihvon? And if we’re extending courtesy invites based on ‘has real estate in Rand’s head’ then we’ve got to invite Moridin as well, and at that point even without additional plus-ones I don’t envy the person who has to make that seating chart.

That was a tangent.

Of course, Morgase had seen Rand al’Thor once, and the boy hadn’t looked much more than a farmer himself.

Okay I do sort of want to be a fly on the wall when Morgase finds out that Elayne is pregnant with his child.

Speaking of seating charts, we get a roll call for this meeting but it does not add up to 23. Yes I will be looking for that everywhere now.

Very little about that time in her life made sense to her now. Had she really been so infatuated with a man that she’d banished Aemlyn and Ellorien?

Oh Morgase. If she can get one thing out of this mess, let it be the knowledge of who Gaebril really was. Because sure, sometimes it’s better not to know. But one of the cruellest things he did to her, in that whole mess of cruelty, was to leave her with absolutely no way of knowing this was not, truly, all her fault. He took away her self, her trust in and certainty of who she is. He undermined her nation and banished her friends and made her believe, even after his death, that it was by her hand and by her choice.

As if the physical and mental violation wasn’t enough. He found a way to violate her on another level as well, by twisting her own sense of herself, by leaving behind a ruin and leaving her no way to understand that it wasn’t of her own making. The Queen is married to the land, and for all she knows, she has betrayed that in every possible way, and she can’t possibly know that her choices were not her own.

Knowing that it wasn’t her choice, and that there was nothing she could have done… I mean that won’t be fun either, but it would at least give her something of her self back.

Meanwhile, Perrin’s annoyed at how long it took the Wise Ones and Aes Sedai to burn that village. Listen, people, you can’t keep judging these things by Rand. Just because he could take out a city in a matter of seconds doesn’t mean everyone can. Do I need to invent more units of measurement here? The Therin: potential mountains created or destroyed per unit of time.

“You wetlanders would have much trouble dealing with something as deadly as the Blight.”

“I think,” Faile said, “that you would be surprised.”

Yeah. Also don’t say that in Lan’s hearing.

Oddly, Faile’s sense of leadership seemed to have been enhanced by her time spent with the Shaido.

Nope, sorry, still not here for halfhearted attempts to pretend that storyline was All For Her Benefit, Actually. Especially because if we do take that on faith, it leads to some… okay no I’m not rehashing all my issues with the Malden plotline here; none of us need that.

Suffice it to say: ughhhhhhhhhhhh.

At times, being a servant seemed to require more stealth than being a scout. She wasn’t to be seen, wasn’t to distract. Had her own servants acted this way around her?

Morgase and Siuan could have an interesting conversation about dramatic changes in social and political status in a short space of time. And also, you know, extreme trauma and other fun pastimes, but especially the way they both then look at and try to come to terms with their new situations. They both do the same sort of thing of looking at all the ways in which they can still exercise power, only more subtly. The advantages of being overlooked and underestimated. And some of it is likely a kind of denial—a way to not feel like everything they knew and everything they were is lost. To try to focus on the advantages because that makes it hurt less. And the way in which they approach that is the politician’s way: turn it to your advantage, look for lines of power that weren’t there before. And also to think through the implications, and see things they may once have overlooked.

It's a hell of a price to pay for a change in perspective, but the fact that she can look at it that way, and think along some of those lines, is in its way a testament to her capability.

It discomforted her that the two Aes Sedai no longer seemed to resist their station.

Pretty sure we’re not really talking about the Aes Sedai here, Morgase. Because this is the other side of that acceptance of a new role: the fear that, in accepting it, she will lose what remains of herself. Oh look, we’re back to that central idea of identity and self and what it means to hold or lose or change that, and the fine balance between those possibilities.

Pouring tea was more complicated than she’d ever assumed.

This is something Jordan occasionally did as well: centring a chapter—especially one told from the viewpoint of a more minor character—around a motif or touchpoint like this, returning to it as a way of anchoring the rest of the chapter, and giving it more shape, especially when much of it is introspection or observation rather than action. Ornaments comes to mind, from Crossroads of Twilight, but there are quite a few others.

And of course I’m never going to complain about tea being used as a device for focusing a chapter.

It gives us a point from which to segue into Morgase’s thoughts on Perrin, which boil down to a solid ‘it’s complicated’. Mostly because by the standards of the Queen of Andor, he’s technically a rebel.

Alliandre’s cup was half empty. Morgase moved over to refill it; like many highborn ladies, Alliandre always expected her cup to be full.

And so we see the function of the tea: it’s a focal point for the chapter, but more than that it’s the method we’re using to get Morgase’s thoughts about and insights into the various people gathered here. Little bits of character and personality in… not so much how they take their tea, but the considerations around it. The things Morgase has to think about and keep track of, even for so simple a task. And so we get insight into Morgase’s new role as well, and into some of what she’s learning: that even in a position where she is largely unnoticed, there is a great deal she can and must see, and know, and understand about those around her. To pick up on those cues and know what they mean, and how that gives her insight into far more than how they take their tea.

Morgase was no longer the person she had once been. She wasn’t sure what she was, but she would learn how to do her duty as a lady’s maid. This was becoming a passion for her. A way to prove to herself that she was still strong, still of value.

In a way, it was terrifying that she worried about that.

And really fucking sad. But also entirely true to who she is and her situation. She’s lost everything. Her role, her nation, her friends, her sense of self, her sense of autonomy, her name, her identity. And she believes most of it to be her own fault, through her own poor choices and decisions. And now she’s here, under a new name and a new role and everyone believing the person she was to be dead, and Morgase herself came pretty close to making that true. How could she not feel lost, and uncertain of who she is, and desperate to prove that she’s still…someone. To prove that she was right to let Lini draw her away from that open window. Which, yeah, that gets dark fast, but Morgase’s story is not a happy one.

With all she has lost and all she can no longer be, she’s left in this space of not really knowing her purpose, or her place, or even who she is, anymore. And that’s hard enough, but then we add in all the self-loathing stemming from what she thinks she did, and failed to do, and the choices she’s had to make, and you end up here: with Morgase struggling to find any sense of self-worth. And so believing she has to prove—to herself, to others—that she is worth something, because there’s so much in her mind telling her she’s…not.

Meanwhile, Perrin still seems to think he can just send everyone home and everything will go back to normal. Speaking of denial.

“I’m not trying to recruit,” Perrin said. “Just because I don’t turn them away doesn’t mean I intend to enlarge this army any further.”

That sounds oddly like Lan’s resignation to Nynaeve recruiting him an army on a technicality. The difference being Lan at least recognises that’s what’s happening.

Perrin please.

“I didn’t make this banner,” Perrin said. “I never wanted it, but—upon advice—I let it fly. Well, the reasons for doing that are past. I’d order the thing taken down, but that never seems to work for long.” He looked to Wil. “Wil, I want it passed through camp. I’m giving a direct order. I want each and every copy of this blasted banner burned. You understand?”

Two steps forward and one step back.

I mean, I suppose you could make an argument on either side of this: on the one hand seriously, Perrin? You have been trying to deny this banner and your place as leader of these people for nine books now. Has it ever worked for you before? And do you really want to take away that focal point, that symbol to these people of what they’re fighting for and who they’re loyal to and why?

On the other hand… giving up his claim to Manetheren wasn’t a popular decision but I think it was the right one, because it helped focus them on what was truly important and prevent unnecessary tension between those who should be allies, by getting mixed up in the politics of raising a dead nation from the land of existing ones. And you could maybe argue that this is a similar angle, and that he’s trying to get them to focus not on him but on the larger purpose they all need to serve. But that feels like I’m trying too hard.

So, in summary: sigh.

Faile is also very much not convinced. I do sort of get where Perrin’s coming from, that if these people want to fight, they can do so for the Dragon Reborn because he’s the actual champion of the Light. But in reality, delegation is important, Perrin! That’s why you have a place in this as well! That’s why the Pattern dumped leadership superpowers and also wolves on you! Someone needs to actually do the groundwork of leading these people and Rand doesn’t have time or capacity for all of it.

And these people know you, Perrin. You’re the one they chose to follow; Rand is… well, as in so many things, more a force than a person at this point, in the eyes of most. They can fight for his cause, sure, but they’re not really fighting for him the way they’ll fight for the one who helped save their village or their people, and the one they see day to day and choose to give their loyalty to.

“Son,” Tam addressed Perrin, “the lads put a lot of stock in that banner.”

That pretty much says it all. This isn’t a time to be taking that kind of symbol from people, or messing unnecessarily with their sense of identity, or their foundations. In a weird way I’m reminded of Egwene’s approach with the Aes Sedai, and all her thoughts on how to reforge the Tower without breaking it. Making some compromises where needed because while there are some places where she can push, she can’t afford to completely shatter their sense of who they are. Not now, when there’s so little time.

And with Perrin, it’s that same sense of… work with what you have. Forge the metal you’re given. This is the situation, and maybe it’s not perfect, but it’s what you have. That loyalty is a part of the toolset you’ve been handed, so see it for what it is and work with it rather than trying to force it into a different shape and risk breaking the metal entirely.

Literally no one thinks this is a good idea.

“Husband,” Faile said, her words clipped. “Might I suggest that we begin with the ones who want to be sent away?”

And so it comes down, like so much else, to choices; Perrin wants to send them away but these people have chosen to follow him. He’s not keeping them here; they’ve decided to stay. And yes, you can flip that around and say he should also have the choice not to lead, and… yeah, okay, that’s a bit like how Rand technically has the choice not to fight. It’s a choice but not one either of them could really live with themselves for making, and so it becomes a question of framing and perception.

But also, Perrin does lead. When it comes down to it, he takes on that role. That is the choice he makes, over and over, in the moment. It’s in the time between those moments of action, when he is his own worst enemy in a way: he doubts and he fights against it and he looks back on past choices and questions himself and his role and his purpose. In the moment, he leads and he fights and he uses what he has. But in these periods of inaction he thinks himself into a tangle of ‘I’m only a blacksmith’, even when all his actions say otherwise. He just needs to get to a point where he can acknowledge and accept and own that.

Instead, he keeps wavering. And keeps trying to make it stick, but he’s trying to make the choice for those who follow him, rather than making his own choice, and so it doesn’t work.

The Pattern’s bringing maths into it now as well: they literally can’t keep large enough gateways open long enough to send everyone away. A hint, Perrin. Take it.

“Also,” Faile said, “perhaps it is time to send messengers to contact the Lord Dragon”

Someone suggesting proactive communication? If we didn’t already know the apocalypse was near…

“I…” Perrin seemed to flounder. Had he a source of information he wasn’t sharing?

Morgase. Please. Do you even need to ask? Does anyone in this series share anything?

Though in this case ‘I see swirls of colour and sometimes a bit of context whenever I think the names of my friends’ is, understandably, the sort of thing you might want to keep quiet until you can think of a way to frame it so that it doesn’t sound absolutely absurd. Although ‘absurd’ is sort of a moot point when the sky is full of black and silver clouds and the Blight appears in villages that don’t actually exist, so. It’s all relative.

Edarra suggests linking with the Asha’man and on the one hand yes! Cooperation! Good! But on the other hand why would you make it easier for Perrin to continue to try to send everyone away?

I suppose she’s thinking more of the refugees who do actually want to go home, though, so… okay fair enough.

“What would it cost me for you to try this?”

“You have worked too long with Aes Sedai, Perrin Aybara,” Edarra said with a sniff. “Not everything must be done at a cost. This will benefit us all.”

On that last, she is absolutely right. This is what they all need to be doing, and finally we’re starting to see it: cooperation, collaboration, setting aside old divisions and realising that perhaps if they work together they will be stronger for it. Small steps, and all that.

“Burn you, woman, why didn’t you bring it to me earlier, then?”

“You seem hardly interested in your position as chief, most of the time,” Edarra said coldly. “Respect is a thing earned and not demanded, Perrin Aybara.”

Ouch. On both sides there, because they both very much have a point. Edarra should have brought this up earlier, to someone even if not to Perrin.

But Perrin… this is where he kind of tries to have his cake and eat it: he says he’s not a leader, that he’s only a blacksmith, that he wants to send people away or let them fight for Rand rather than him. Tries to deny his role during the times when it’s not absolutely imperative that he claim it. But at other times he is quick to take command, and to make the decisions, and to give direction. And now, he wants to know why she didn’t bring this to him. Because he is, after all, the authority here.

If you would have that, Perrin, you have to accept all the aspects of it. You can’t keep leading these people and then saying you’re not actually their leader, but then also expect them to abide by your decisions—whether that’s to send them away, or to expect them to come to you with information.

There’s an interesting irony in how, by trying to be responsible and not take on a role he doesn’t think he’s suited for, he ends up doing something arguably irresponsible by neglecting the duties of a role he has in fact taken.

It’s not easy. It doesn’t seem like fun. But Perrin, you have to make the choice and claim it and understand what it means, and stop denying yourself.

To his very great credit, Perrin takes the admonishment seriously.

Aiel were people, like any other. They had odd traditions and cultural quirks, but so did everyone else. A queen had to be able to understand all of the people within her realm—and all of her realm’s potential enemies.

I like this about Morgase, and it’s something we see in Elayne as well: this acknowledgement of the importance of cultural understanding. They don’t always get it right, of course, but they understand the importance of it, and while we haven’t seen as much of Morgase in general, we do see Elayne try to follow through on this whenever she’s faced with a different people or group or culture, and I think this is where she gets it from.

Ah, so Balwer wants to visit Rand’s academy in Cairhien. What exactly are you hoping to find, Balwer?

Would [Balwer] tell Aybara who she really was?

I…huh. I hadn’t even thought of that. The others in that group obviously didn’t want or intend to tell anyone who Morgase is, but Balwer has given his loyalty and service to Perrin, so it is actually kind of interesting that he wouldn’t have said anything. But then, if Perrin hasn’t asked, and Balwer also has no specific desire to betray Morgase, I suppose he wouldn’t necessarily bring it up either. And it’s not like people here default to communication when there’s any other option, so… okay, that checks out.

Besides, think how much more fun it will be for this all to come out when Perrin and Galad run into each other. And by fun I mean probably the opposite of that for nearly everyone involved. But fun for me, which is of course the important thing.

She should have approached the dusty man earlier, to see what the price would be to keep his silence. Mistakes like that could cost a queen her throne.

She froze, hand halfway to a cup. You’re not a queen any longer. You have to stop thinking like one!

Oh, Morgase. There’s just… that’s quite a lot of pain packed into a few almost-offhand thoughts.

Especially because, again, it brings it back to this question of self and identity and who is she, now that she’s not a queen? To the point where she’s trying to remake the very patterns of her thoughts, to make herself into someone else because she can’t be who she was before, but if that person is lost then what is left?

Also, on a somewhat less sad note, there’s another small irony here: Morgase, a former queen, trying to force herself out of those habits of thinking, while she and everyone else around her is trying to push Perrin into them.

Of course now Morgase is thinking about how she can’t really go home, because people have to continue to believe she’s dead and Elayne has to be able to stand on her own otherwise it’s a political nightmare and she’s not necessarily wrong but man, Morgase’s story is fucking sad.

Why had she done such things?

I know I’ve already said this at least five hundred times but please, please just let her find out. Of everything, and there’s a lot, I think this is the worst. Bad enough she’s lost everything else and suffered everything she’s suffered and is now adrift, effectively an exile, and trying to find her place—how can she do that when she doesn’t even have her own self to hold on to? When she can barely even trust that? And especially when it comes with the consequences of those things she thinks she did of her own volition, because it’s not just that she doesn’t trust herself; for some things she hates herself.

Perhaps she should have done the noble thing and killed herself.

Wow.

Okay. So that’s.

Yeah. That got dark.

I mean, it’s not… a surprise, given that we very much watched her near-suicide, but…damn. For her to think that would have been the ‘noble thing’. For her to think that her survival is not in and of itself a victory.

She doesn’t even know if Elayne is queen yet, or even in Caemlyn. And politics aside, how hard that must be to not know where her daughter is or even if she’s alive.

Apparently she officially likes Tallanvor now, which… okay sure she deserves whatever happiness she can find, at this point, but this one has always sort of weirded me out. Then again that’s true of a lot of the romance in this series, so okay sure whatever.

Looking into those beautiful young eyes of his, she could not entertain the notion of suicide, even for the good of Andor. She felt a fool for that. Hadn’t she let her heart lead her into enough trouble already?

Okay, there’s a lot to unpack here and I don’t know that I’m going to even try with all of it, but I’m… not a fan of the way it plays to this whole he’s-what-keeps-her-from-killing-herself angle. I just find that an uncomfortable space in general, for any number of reasons.

But the part that hurts, here, of course, is the last part. Hadn’t she let her heart lead her into enough trouble already. Because again, she thinks this is all her fault. Everything that’s happened; she thinks it’s just… her own poor choices, when the truth is that she had no choice, for so much of it. Which… I mean I don’t think I need to make the obvious real-world connection here, but it plays very true to that tendency for those not at all at fault to blame themselves, and how devastating that can be.

Perrin of course knows none of this but does know there’s something going on with Morgase and Tallanvor, because Tallanvor in particular is not exactly subtle.

Morgase raised an eyebrow. From what she’d seen, Perrin himself had followed Faile around lately nearly as much.

Point to Morgase.

PERRIN. NO.

“I was given a suggestion back when you first joined us,” Perrin said gruffly. “Well, I think it’s about time I took it. Lately, you two are like youths from different villages, mooning over one another in the hour before Sunday ends. It’s high time you were married. We could have Alliandre do it, or maybe I could. Do you have some tradition you follow?”

YOU. ABSOLUTE. IDIOT.

Hang on a second, I need to go find a wall to hit my head against repeatedly.

I just. Perrin. No. Why would you even. Think this was a good idea. Pause for five seconds and consider.

Even without any of the knowledge of how awful Morgase’s life has been for the last year or so, Perrin should know better, damn it. You can’t just tell two people to get married as if they have no say in the matter! Especially when it’s not even like he’s taking one of them aside to have a quiet word about ‘this is getting in the way of your work; sort it out’, which would be kind of awkward but just about skirting the edges of acceptability. No, he’s saying it to both of them, when he has no confirmation from either that this is actually what they want. But he’s in charge here so now it’s hard for either of them to refuse him, and of course that would mean publicly rejecting the other, and in short this is the worst idea you’ve had in a while, Perrin.

And then of course—not that Perrin has any reason to know this—there’s the reality of Morgase’s recent past, which makes having her agency taken away (again) in the context of marriage and all that entails (again), even more of a glaring Do Not Want.

Morgase felt a sudden panic

I mean yeah, that’s probably the understatement of the fucking Age.

“Gather any you want to witness and be back here in an hour. Then we’ll get this silliness over with.”

So it’s not enough to take away any choice they may have in the matter and assume you know best; now you need to trivialise it as well? Perrin Aybara you are better than this.

“Well?” Perrin asked.

“No,” Morgase said.

Such a small, quiet thing, but it’s everything in the context of her story. That at last, after so many kinds of violation, after so many instances of her choice or her agency or her name or her will taken from her, she can say no. And she does.

It’s not precisely subtle but it’s also not precisely loud; it’s just a turning point and a reclaiming of self after so long of having that taken away from her. That now, she can stand as herself and say no, I will not.

She didn’t want to see the inevitable disappointment and rejection in Tallanvor’s face.

Which is the other reason you don’t just drag two people into a room and tell them to get married! Because even if they might want to marry each other, one or both might have some objections on principle to being told to do so! And then you’ve just created unnecessary tension in the relationship itself because now she’ll have to explain that ‘it’s not you, it’s that for once in my damn storyline I want to be able to give or deny consent of my own damn volition’.

I’m just very, very here for Morgase Trakand finally having a chance to stand up for herself and say no, because that has so long been denied to her in so many ways. And to find it in herself, even with all that has come before, to do that, because it would be so easy to just…accept it. But instead she stands her ground and in doing so, in asserting herself in front of someone else, it’s almost like asserting herself to herself as well. That she is here and she is someone and she has a choice and she will make it.

“Why, the Queen herself wouldn’t demand this!”

Ha. Okay, you’ve earned that one, I think.

“Forcing two people to marry because you’re tired of the way they look at one another? Like two hounds you intend to breed, then sell the pups?”

“I didn’t mean it that way.”

“You said it nonetheless.”

Yeah, this is… very much not Perrin’s finest hour here.

Whereas for Morgase… everything about this carries so much more weight than meets the eye, given all she has been through, and I’m just very here for it.

Pulling herself up to her full height, she almost felt a queen again. “If I choose to marry a man, I will make that decision on my own.”

Reclamation of identity! In reclaiming all the choices that have been taken from her! So much of what came before, all those times she couldn’t choose, was just this long agonising process of stripping away everything she was and everything she could hold on to in herself. And she’s been so lost for so long, and so here, in claiming that choice again, she finds some part of herself again as well. She may no longer be a queen but it’s not really about the crown, it’s about feeling like herself again, and finding something there.

Really, Tallanvor, in this case it’s honestly not you; it’s… a whole pile of other things. Don’t take it personally.

Morgase measured Perrin, who was blushing. She softened her tone. “You’re young at this yet, so I’ll give you advice. There are some things a lord should be involved in, but others he should always leave untouched.”

I do like that we get this—it was important for Morgase to be able to draw a line and stand by it and say, unequivocally, no. And to make it very clearly understood why Perrin was crossing a line.

But she also acknowledges that there was no malice in it; it was fucking stupid, but he did mean well. So let him feel painfully awkward for a few minutes, let it sink in, and then grant him this to soften it.

Man, that was awkward.

I mean, again, absolutely here for Morgase finally getting to make a damn choice, but would kind of have preferred if it weren’t at the cost of Perrin being written into quite this level of uncomfortable idiocy. Which I suppose is part of why I’m glad it ends on that sense of ‘you meant well but no’, rather than letting it escalate.

Basically: great character moment for Morgase but overall not a particularly well-done scene, I feel like.

It seemed she had some spark left in her after all. She hadn’t felt that firm or certain of herself since… well, since before Gaebril’s arrival in Caemlyn!

That pretty much sums it up. She needed this, needed to find that within herself.

And now enter Whitecloaks, stage left. This’ll get interesting.

Next (ToM ch 7) Previous (ToM ch 5)

[tortuerex]

My honest, humble, and not-objective-at-all opinion about THE CLONE WARS : STORIES OF LIGHT AND DARK

THE CLONE WARS : STORIES OF LIGHT AND DARK by various authors, published in 2020 (canon)

To be really honest, this book wasn't supposed to be the next on my « to-do » list. I'm currently reading Lords of the Sith and enjoying it, and was willing to make my next review about it, but the last two weeks has been a rough time and I couldn't manage to read a single page.

So instead of making you wait longer, I'll use the Clone Wars book as a filler, because I think I can be quick on this one (I think ? Let's see how many pages I'm going to write then).

In case you're not aware, Stories and Light and Dark (let's just call it SLD) is a short stories collection about the Clone Wars, each different story being about a set of Clone Wars episodes you already know about, but from a different point of view, focusing on one character being the narrator.

If you haven't seen the Clone Wars TV show yet, this book will probably be very confusing most of the time, because clearly what's at stakes isn't the story itself but what's going on in the head of a certain character. You'll probably end up thinking « yea that was cool I learnt about what was thinking Kenobi at this point but I haven't had any idea what was going on. »

Since every story is independant and was written by a different author, I can't give you a summary of the whole book. I'll give my opinion on the book at the end of the ticket but I'll take a bit of time to say what I thought about each story first.

Get your seatbelt on because we're going to start the SLD rollercoaster now :)

SHARING THE SAME FACE by Jason Fey

Not bad but no overly interesting. The whole point is to tell us how Yoda feel about the Clones, but to be honest we don't learn really much more in the story than in the episode.

I liked how Yoda compare the Clones to children and how different from each others he make them feel, reassuring them that they are all different and they all matter for him. That was nice.

Not much more to say about it.

DOOKU CAPTURED by Lou Anders

Probably the most goofy story of the book, based of some of the goofiest episodes on the show. It's telling us from Dooku's point of view the story of how he was captured by Hondo Ohnaka and had to team up with Obi-Wan and Anakin to escape.

It was really funny to read but also really awkward (faithful to the show...), and in my head I was constantly thinking « there's no way he's going to tell all of this stuff to his master without being slowy burned by his own shame ». At the end of the story, when Dooku changes his mind and decides to delete his holorecording and never tells his master about this whole story, I was like « yas boy I would have done the same, just keep it to yourself ».

That's the kind of story that put a smile on your face but leaves you with a bit of « wtf did i just read »

HOSTAGE CRISIS by Preeti Chhibber

This story suffers from what will a major problem in others stories : telling us something we already know without sounding redundant. It's the whole «Cade Bane and his crew taking the Senate hostage » but from Anakin's pow, and... the show was already mostly on Anakin.

It wasn't bad, not gonna lie, I liked reading how Anakin was feeling about Padmé, their relationship and her job. But it was only the first pages of the story. Once the hostage-taking has begun, it's just about describing us Anakin trying to save the day (and I've seen the show, I know how it goes) and not much about how Anakin feels. Yet it could have been interesting, Anakin being under the urge of saving his wife, the stress and the anger against Bane... but I didn't feel any of that. Just a Jedi doing Jedi stuff and being the hero at the end of the day.

To me, this story is a missed opportunity to show us how the Dark Side of the Force is strong in this one.

PURSUIT OF PEACE by Anna Ursu

Before reading this story I wasn't sure about how I felt about this whole book. This was the first one allowing me to make my mind and to think I was glad I bought it.

Unpopular opinion (depending on how you feel, of course) : I'm not a fan of Padmé. I liked her in The Phantom Menace, because she's a young, fierce, and powerful girl trying to make her way as the queen of Naboo. In Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith, I feel like she has been switched from « young powerful woman » to « Anakin's love interest in need of being saved ». I know that's not completely true and I know she can still make her way with a lasergun, but like a lot of female characters in stories, once she is completing her role as a love-interest, there's not much left for her except waiting for her husband at home and making children.

That being said, that's not her fault if her character was poorly written in the AotC and RotS. I feel like The Clone Wars is trying to correct it and make her a stronger character, even leading some episodes of the show.

And because this review is already longer that the other ones, I'll try to make the rest of it short : I can say I loved this story. It's about Padmé meeting her separatist friend Mina Bonteri with Ahsoka, and how she tries to stop the war.

We see how strong and determined she is, how aware she is of the mask she has to wear in public as a senator, how far she's ready to go to stop the slaughter. How hard it is to be a female senator wanting peace.

I liked that, like the matching episodes, this story isn't all black and white with bad separatists and good republicans. I liked having a glimpse at Star Wars politic too (not-so-unpopular opinion : I'm not a fan of politics either).

Over all the rest, I loved that this story made me appreciate Padmé more that before.

Big thumb up.

THE SHADOW OF UMBARA by Yoon Ha Lee

As you could guess, this is the Umbara quadrilogy episodes, and it's from Rex's pow. And my biggest disappointment of the book. I loved The Umbara quadrilogy, even though I feel like it could have been a trilogy instead because sometimes it's a bit repetitive, but I loved it.

This story is nothing more that the description of the TV show. I'd love to say « no more no less » but it won't be true, since in the show we can see the sacrifice of Hardcase. The only bit you'll get is « Rex wanted to mourn Hardcase properly, but there was no time. » That's all, case closed, move along.

Oh, and when Clones realise they were shooting each others and were fooled by Krell ? « Rex clenched his hand as Waxer took his last breath. » Not a SINGLE word about how he FEELS.

The episodes was more effective in showing us Rex's dilemma with facial expressions than this story is with words.

So this story would be better called « No more than the Umbara quadrilogy, only less ».

It made me really angry because so more could have been said. I still wonder how this story passed the quality test to make it to the final book.

BANE'S STORY by Tom Angleberger

Or, as I like to call it, « Bane's story, by Bane, with Bane as the hero »

This was sooo fun and good to read. Bane is one of my favorite Clone Wars characters and I really felt like Bane was the one telling me the story. A breath of fresh air after the Umbara failure.

It's about these episodes when Obi-Wan disguise himself as Hardeen, a bounty hunter, to foil Dooku's plan to capture Palpatine, but all from Bane's pow. And he's so sassy about it.

I could hear Bane talking directly to me, with his words and his personality. Some of my favorite sentences of the book are in this story.

When they get chased by Anakin and Ahsoka and he tells us « I always heard Jedi were supposed to be in control of their feelings, but the two crazies on our tail sure weren't in control. » and « She had two lightsabers and was swinging them around to much I thought she was going to cut off her own horns. »

Or when he met Dooku : « I hope he wasn't expecting me to kneel like Eval. That's one thing I won't do. Another is call some old man my lord just because he's got a long beard and a big house. »

And a last one that made me laugh so hard, when they're about to abduct Palpatine during his speech on Naboo : « If you ask me, listening to that old bag of wrinkles run his mount ain't no festival. If we could kidnap him before he started, the Naboolians or whatever they're called would probably give us a medal ».

That's what I wanted from this book. Episodes I already knew about but told from a new perspective. And it was such a pleasure.

THE LOST NIGHTSISTER by Zoraida Córdova

Another bet won for SLD. It's about Ventress joining the Boba crew to earn some money, by protecting a certain box on a certain train (you know what I'm talking about if you saw the Clone Wars).

Maybe not as insightful as Bane's Story (definitively not as fun, but clearly it wasn't the point), but really intersting too. It takes us into Ventress's mind after the Dathomir massacre and the despair is palpable. And while the show leaves us uncertain about why Ventress is saving Pluma, the story is very clear about it and gives us some introspection about Ventress, her sisters, her family.

It could have been a little further, but still it was really good to read. I honestly don't have much to say about it, not my favorite but I genuinely liked it.

DARK VENGEANCE by Rebecca Roanhorse

or The true story of Darth Maul and his revenge against the Jedi known as Obi-Wan Kenobi

(just to be clear, this subtitle isn't by me, it really is in the book :D )

I hated to admit it, but it was a liiiitle bit of a disappointment too, but that's just because I expected so much from it (in case that's not clear by now, Maul is my absolute favorite and I got his face tattooed on my leg okay?).

I'll focused first of what I loved from that story. Maul talking directly to the reader, as if he was talking to a child. That gives a strong feeling of power from him, good characterisation. He apologizes when his description are too bloody, justifies his slaughter of innocents, really talking like he was relating what was going on in his mind, sometimes interrupting or correcting himself. That was good. Like Bane's story, I felt like the character was adressing to me directly.

So, why the mitigated opinion, why the disappointment, you'll ask ? Maybe because the story was uneven. Sometimes I really was into Maul's mind, but sometimes it was just plain descriptions of the episodes I already saw. I may be hard on this one. I liked Maul's reactions to Kenobi teasing, how he want to crush him and make him swallow back his words.

I liked the fact that Maul sincerely, deeply, thinks the Jedi are liars and hypocrites.

I didn't really like the fact that sometimes Maul was sounding just like he was complaining. Like, you know, in Clone Wars, when someone is like « Hey Maul, how are you today ? » and he's like « MY PATH HAS BEEN SO DARK ».

… well, after all I guess it's faithful to the show :o

Don't believe everything I wrote before. This story was good, it's about Maul. Go read it.

ALMOST A JEDI by Sarah Beth Durst

About how a bunch of kids and Ahsoka escape pirates, then Grievous.

Another usually unpopular opinion : I don't like kids in stories or TV shows (nor in real life). I always feel like kids are supposed to be the comic relieves, or the cute factor, making you say « aaaw look how adorable and naive and dumb that little kid is » and I'm always rolling my eyes and thinking « get your shit together kiddo, that's an adult story and you're ruining it ». (I might be a little excessive on this one, I'm not always doing it).

In the quadrilogy about the young apprentices and Ahsoka, most of the kids were going on my nerves, and I'm glad I didn't felt this way about Alsmot a Jedi. I'm so glad Katooni was chosen to be the narrative instead of Petro.

Overall it was a good story. Katooni's insecurities were touching, her admiration for Ahsoka was too. Like in this passage, « I wanted to scream. But I didn't, because Ahsoka wasn't screaming ». She's so afraid, so petrified to be unworthy. I really cared for her. And her relationship with Hondo is great too. (And Hondo is great, what did you expect?)

That was cool and refreshing to read.

KENOBI'S SHADOW by Greg Van Eekhout

This. This is my favorite story from the whole book. It was so dark, so growling with sadness and anger and pain.

I don't think I can describe how it was to read it. That is how I wanted to feel. I wanted to know how Obi-Wan felt when Maul murdered Satine before his eyes. Now I know and I want to hide in a hole and not mess with that Jedi, ever.

Obi-Wan is usually used as a fun character in Clone Wars, with his deadpan sens of humour. It was heartbreaking to see him in the Mandalorian episodes, and reading it... well it was heartbreaking but frightening too.

An absolut must-read. Believe me. I was shocked.

BUG by E. Anne Convery

Bug is a original story, not an adaptation of a Clone Wars episode, thus it can't be treated like the other stories.

Real real quick plot summary ? Bug is about a little girl called, well... Bug, living with her parents, running an inn on a planetoid, near an abandoned military relay tower. One day a witch from Dathomir comes to the inn and wants to use the tower in hope of finding tracks of her disappeared daughter.

It was good.

Ok that's the end of that review, thanks for reading and nah I'm kidding.

Why was Bug good ? First of all, because it was the only original story of the book. And even though some of them were really really good, it didn't bring the curiosity of discovering something new. You lack suspens and surprises. Bug brings them back. I wanted to learn so much more about this young girl and the witch ! And Falta's story was hypnotizing. Litteraly. Hooray for learning more about Dathomir, about their culture, their history and the relation between the witches's clans. (Not hooray for learning that loving for the sake of love and not power is unthinkable for Talzin. I wouldn't have wanted her as a mother if you see what I mean.)

I hope so much that we'll see more of Bug and Falta in the future. This was too interesting to be left apart as a one-short story.

So, if I had to FINALLY resume my opinion on The Clone Wars : Stories of Light and Dark ?

PRO :

- getting involved inside the mind of characters in situations I already knew about

- some really fun, dark and/or insightful stories

CON :

- an overall mixed feeling about the books because some stories are not up to the rest.

- you'll have to get through some passages that are just formal descriptions of what happened in the TV show

TO CONCLUDE :

This took way more time than I expected and I should definitively not have called that review « a filler ».

As I aleady said, SLD is an rollercoaster. You'll get stunned and you'll get disappointed, and go through all the emotions between.

Was the book worth the money ? Well, the hardcover is pretty and some illustrations are cool, but the quality is irregular.

If you're short on time or money, I'll suggest you find a way to read only the stories that are really interesting you, based on any review you'll find on the internet.

Cheers to everyone reading me, thanks so much for all the notes, follow and reblog. It means a lot. Take care of you and your relatives during these hard times.

Tagging @maulpunk <3

[the-rockstar-lestat]

I've recently become interested in astrology. Not surprising, I suppose , it's all over the internet lately, I'm more surprised it took me this long. I did have to ask Gabrielle what time I was born, as it wasn't something we'd ever discussed. She told me, and I quote "lestat, dear child, do you think after nine pregnancies and seven births I remembered a thing like what time I was finally free of you accursed things?" Which, first of all , fascinating way to look at the miracle of childbirth, Mother, but I can't say I blame her. She did manage to remember it was morning, and I think that's all we're going to get. Anyway, perhaps the time I made up was correct because, I believe the phrase is, this chart was AT-ing me. So here we are, presented with commentary.

(Also do you know how long it took me to find a site that allowed me to enter the year 1758?)

"Sun in Scorpio

The sun determines your ego, identity, and "role" in life. It's the core of who you are, and is the sign you're most likely to already know. Your Sun is in Scorpio, meaning you have a fundamental urge to get to the bottom of things, which can at times lead you to be manipulative or power-hungry, but it comes down to an intense passion for authenticity, real intimacy, and the truth. It's in your twelfth house, meaning you feel the need to distinguish yourself from others through privacy, secrets, and introspection."

Well this comes as no surprise. I knew I was a Scorpio, passionate, sensual, easily angered, and ruled by emotions. I've been told Scorpios are one of the harder zodiac signs to put up with, with intense personalities. Guilty. I do like it mentioned my need to authenticity and tendency for introspection, which people often forget about.

"Ascendant in Sagittarius

Your ascendant is the "mask" you present to people. It can be seen in your personal style and how you come off to people when you first meet. Some say it becomes less relevant as you get older. It changes every two hours, so if it doesn't make sense, text your mom to confirm your birth time. Your Ascendant is in Sagittarius, meaning you come across as independent, optimistic, and confident, though sometimes overly blunt or critical. Generally a charming conversationalist, your free-spirited approach may come off as restless or easily bored."

Well I don't know how much older I'll have to get before it's less relevent, because I think "independent, optimistic, and confident, though sometimes overly blunt" is probably how most people would describe me if they're being kind. As is restless and easily bored.

"Moon in Aquarius

The moon rules your emotions, moods, and feelings. This is likely the sign you most think of yourself as, since it reflects your personality when you're alone or deeply comfortable. Your Moon is in Aquarius, meaning your emotional self is intuitive, observant, detached, and rational. You are often in your own world, but are scared of how you truly feel. It's in your second house, meaning you find security and safety through money and material possessions."

And this is where the relentless @-ing appears. In my own world? Scared of how I truly feel? I'm in this picture and I don't like it. Find safety through money and material things? We WONT bring up what Louis calls my tendency to throw money at problems. The Valentines Day debacle, anyone?

"Mercury in Scorpio

Mercury determines how you communicate, talk, think, and process information. It also indicates how you learn. It is the mind's planet. Your Mercury is in Scorpio, meaning your intellect is intense, serious, and obsessive. You have tendency to see things that others don't through your perceptive and insightful intuition. You don't take things lightly and like to get straight to the point, which can come off as harsh, suspicious, or intrusive. You tend to communicate through your body language. It's in your eleventh house, meaning you are curious about and inclined to analyze your friends, how to make an impact on people, and your political life."

Yes, THANK YOU, I'm actually quite intelligent, I'll remind you, people don't remember that because I do hide it under a lot of LOUD, see aforesaid ascendent in Sagittarius, but I spend a lot of time --too much time--thinking. And I have been called blunt. And as I've been called animated more times than I'd like to count, the expressing things through body language is true.

"Venus in Libra

Venus determines how and what you love. It indicates how you express affection and the qualities you're attracted to. Your Venus is in Libra, meaning your romantic side is idealistic and eager-to-please. You want an equitable relationship, and you're willing to make compromises to get there. You can be a little self-obsessed, and may have trouble being realistic or loyal in your relationships. It's in your eleventh house, meaning that for you, love is often expressed in social status, including platonic and casual friends, along with your hopes, wishes, and dreams."

....... Presented without further comment.

"Mars in Sagittarius

Mars is the planet of aggression. It determines how you assert yourself, take action, and the energy that surrounds you—particularly in your sex life, your ambitiousness, and when you're angry. Your Mars is in Sagittarius, meaning you assert yourself in a way that pushes boundaries, you easily become impatient and restless, and you push things forward with more vision than thoughtfulness. It's in your first house, meaning you put a lot of energy into your self and self-image—and, because it's your first house, your Mars in Sagittarius is hyper-present in your personality."

More vision than thoughtfulness can shut up. It's not wrong but it can shut up

"Jupiter in Sagittarius

One of the two social planets, Jupiter rules idealism, optimism, and expansion. It's also very philosophical. Your Jupiter is in Sagittarius, meaning you grow and find understanding through questioning, curiosity, independence, and debate. It's in your first house, meaning you find success through your self and self-image—and, because it's your first house, your Jupiter in Sagittarius is hyper-present in your personality."

A little too much questioning and curiouity, hmm, Marius?

"Saturn in Aquarius

The other social planet, Saturn rules responsibility, restrictions, limits, boundaries, fears, and self-discipline. Your Saturn is in Aquarius, meaning you struggle with obstinacy, a superiority complex, and being overly detached. It's in your third house, meaning you have had difficulties with the things you know and are familiar with."

Me??? A superiority complex????? Obstinate? You know, I'm almost flattered. Just call me the Brat Prince, chart, it'd be faster.

"Uranus in Pisces

Uranus stays in each sign for seven years, meaning it rules a generation more than a person. It rules innovation, rebellion, and progress. Your Uranus is in Pisces, meaning other generations are shocked by your generation's sense of empathy, dreaminess, and gentle nature. It's in your third house, meaning that for you, this manifests in rebelling against dated expectations about the things you know and are familiar with."

I wouldn't call my generation empathetic or gentle, but we were thoughtful. Though compared to some, perhaps we were.

I do not choose to coment on rebelling against dated expectations , as once again, they don't call me the Brat Prince for nothing.

"Neptune in Leo

Neptune stays in each sign for around fourteen years, meaning it rules a generation more than a person. It rules dreams, imagination, and the unconscious. Your Neptune is in Leo, meaning your entire generation finds inspiration through magnanimity, leadership, thinking big, and confidence. It's in your eighth house, meaning that for you, this manifests in your ideal—verging on unrealistic and impractical—about darkness, taboos, rebirth, sex, and transformation."

This is a bit more how is describe those of us who were Young in the years just before the French Revolution. We were throwing ourselves into a new world, a world we were determined to make, and unafraid of the darkness we were about to fall into.

"Pluto in Sagittarius

Pluto stays in each sign for up to thirty years, meaning it rules a generation more than a person. It rules power, intensity, obsession, and control. Your Pluto is in Sagittarius, meaning your generation's psyche is comparatively positive, free-spirited, curious, optimistic, forward-looking, independent, and confident. It's in your first house, meaning you personally are transforming your self and self-image—and, because it's your first house, your Pluto in Sagittarius is hyper-present in your personality."

As is this. The Age of Enlightenment. I do wish some of us were still around

Now tell me, friends and fans and fellow Scorpios, do you agree with the stars?

[apptowonder]

On the Inherent Chaotic Queer Energy of “Cats” (No, Really)

In Which the Author Relates His Early Affinity For the Musical Cats, And Meditates in Rapt Contemplation On Its Effect On His Own Queer Coming of Age.

Ok, I’ll drop the Eliotian/Victorian pretense. But in all seriousness, this is going to be a long ramble on the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical Cats, because I saw the recording of the 1998 Broadway performance again for the first time in probably 14 years and it made me Feel Feelings (tm). Plus a comrade of mine expressed similar enthusiasm and it inspired me.

I -- First Viewing

When I was 10 or 11 years old, for a brief period after seeing Cats for the first time at a local dinner theater production, I was enamored in ways I couldn’t put into words. I was not, and have not really ever been a theater queer. I did a few plays up through high school, and stopped doing theater in college when I lost interest and found out it would take time away from gospel choir. But there was something about the way these characters moved, the charisma they carried themselves with that stuck with me. Unlike some of my queer friends, I don’t have the sense that “I always knew” I liked boys as well as other genders. As a tween, I felt very aloof from romantic interest except for one long-lasting crush on a girl in 5th grade that lasted through middle school. But as I continue to look back, I do think I felt a certain stirring in my gut for certain charismatic male figures, almost like an imprinting. Early affection and crushes manifested in a desire to be like the attractive heroes I admired.

I wanted to be Mr Mistofelees, the Original Conjuring Cat. I also wanted to be Munkustrap, the unassuming but brave and suave narrator, unofficial leader of the Jellicle Tribe. Honorable mention goes to the Rum Tum Tugger, whose rock star persona definitely exudes bi energy, but he felt less approachable to me. In any case, though I didn’t realize it at the time, something was very queer about these cats.

II -- On the Naming of Cats -- Munkustrap

Why I felt drawn to this character is hard to sum up. He doesn’t have his own song, his name is only listed in the program. But he does have considerable stage time. Serving as the narrator and Master of Ceremonies for the Jellicle Ball, right-hand man to Old Deuteronomy, and the only cat willing to go toe to toe with Macavity, he had a certain gravitas that I found compelling. He is humble, as I strive to be. Caring and protective of his family, but not overly aggressive. Confident, but not overbearing. He seemed that he would be the perfect gentle lover, someone who could take you to new and unexpected places but would also make sure that you were safe and loved. 

On a deeper level, perhaps my identifying with this character was a kind of rehearsal for the years to come. Munkustrap served as both the boy I wanted to meet and the boy I wanted to be. When I came out and became invested in queer community and queer Christian community especially, I found myself slowly falling into the role of psychopomp and threshold guardian for some of my gayby Christian friends who were either newly coming out or newly trying to reconcile their faith and sexuality. I would direct them to apologetics resources, but I think my greater strength was in being a kind of MC who would invite them into a new queer reality, a celebration of the richness of life and a vision of the vastness of both theology and queer vibrancy. In a sense, I invited them to a Jellicle ball.* I would invite them to dance beneath the moon of our shared experience, and show to them that far from being incomplete or broken, they had their own power and beauty, were possessed of “Terpsichorean powers” which would serve as a mysterious gift to the wider world.

The first boy I dated was a Munkustrap. Gentle, but fun-loving. Willing to meet me where I was, but also encouraging me to new heights of intimacy, feeling and adventure. Though we eventually parted ways, we remained good friends, and I will be forever grateful to him for leading me from an abstract appreciation of my queerness to a deeply embodied possession of it that I can now live out for the glory of God and the good of humanity, like a cat has a deep embodied possession of its third and secret name.

III -- On the Naming of Cats -- Mr. Mistoffelees

“Oh, well I never! Was there ever a cat so clever as magical Mr. Mistoffelees?”

Coming in at the eleventh hour to save the day, Mr. Mistoffelees employs his magical powers to rescue Old Deuteronomy when all other help fails. In the production I saw, he literally flies down onto the stage (on a wire) and proceeds to produce phantasmagorical phenomena and easily conjures up the kidnapped patriarch of the Jellicle Tribe from the place he’s been sequestered. He is flashy, elegant, flamboyant, coy, “aloof” but always fun-loving. Perhaps more importantly, in all the performances I’ve seen, he seems elegantly attuned to some deeper sixth sense. Beneath the playful surface is a deep power that manifests in impressive ways. The show relays his power through the metaphor of stage magic, but to me he also seemed to have a touch of something mystical, spiritual. I felt both awe and affection for that sensitive attunement, and how it was packaged in such a playful personality.

In my own life as queer clergy, I have sought to develop that kind of attunement. Though spirituality is a bit slower and more messy than conjuring, I have received compliments from colleagues queer and straight that I often speak the exact right prayer for the needs of a given moment. I write poems and try to breathe new life into the life-giving stories of my spiritual tradition, my life and the lives of my queer tribes. I’m always eager to come up with an impromptu liturgical service when circumstance dictates, and I draw on vocabulary from the saints and mystics as well as my own love of language and poetry. Playfulness is, to me, a spiritual virtue, and I love to offer inspiring surprises from the depths of the wisdom I have inherited from those who have gone before. When friends (especially queer Christian friends) are stuck in demoralizing binaries and limited horizons of purity culture, toxic theology, or other spiritual burdens, I will often pull a shimmering anecdote from the lives of the saints, or an ancient word of curiosity that opens up a new way of seeing the world. In a way, I’m pulling kittens out of hats. 

Ironically but also fittingly, when I kept my queerness under wraps, my poetry was vivid but strained. Overwrought, often melancholy but rarely insightful. And I would pray when someone asked me to, but it generally consisted of generic requests that didn’t really mean much to me. I had to become fabulous and be willing to be in touch with the queer wonder of both my loves and my experiences before I began to really tap into that spiritual current that I am still learning how to channel for the life of the world. I’m still a beginner, and in my day to day life I’m fairly quiet and introspective. Aloof, perhaps. But I feel that my openness to queer joy, queer eros and queer vibrancy have begun to throw open a way to my own wholeness and the invigorating and revival of many of my communities. I don’t do this alone, and I am still learning from my many queer elders and forerunners. As I study and practice and bring forth vision, I continue to learn “from Mr. Mistofelees’ conjuring turn.”

At Pride a year or two ago, I met a Mr. Mistofelees of sorts. A pagan boy, playful and flashy, with a golden voice. He ended up being a bit too flighty for me, but he helped me find a bit more of my flamboyant side by getting me to do karaoke, and introducing me to the queer night life in a new city. In our own separate ways, we both helped each other I think be deeper attuned to that electric queer energy that flows into creativity, presence, wonder and resilience like lightning flows from Mistofelees’ fingertips. We pranced about our respective stages and conjured beauty for one another.

IV -- Memory (Some Thoughts on the Queerness of the Musical, and Some Final Reflections)

And what of the musical as a whole. What is it about Cats that struck such a chord with my very young queer self, and still does?

To me, it has an energy to it that resonates very deeply with queer experience. It delights in elevated pageantry, but it takes its own internal logic and way of being seriously. There is something about the mystery and spectacle of it that feels like a queer way of being. Despite the charge leveled against us by demagogues and queerphobes that we’re simply decadent, queer experience to me has always been about experiencing a heightened sense of reality, be that in adventure, sensuality, joy, beauty, celebration or pleasure. As the meme goes, before you say we’re too much, ask yourself, are you even enough?

Furthermore, the show is sensual and embodied in a way that many more conventional Broadway musicals aren’t. It delights in being just a little bit bawdy, while at the same time showcasing an excellence in the choreography and visuals that requires a good deal of skill and physical effort. In coming out and coming to know queer community, I began to listen better to my body and to be more comfortable in my own skin. To delight in the magic of touch and sensory beauty.

Finally, the sensuousness that undergirds the show also displays a very free flowing romantic and affectional subtext between different characters. Two cats may flirt or make eyes at each other, but there’s no expectation that they might not also catch the eye of a completely different cat in the next scene. They perform with a subtle erotic undertone that suggests both tenderness and hedonism, but all in the context of a tight-knit community that cares for its own. The fanfiction community for Cats presents a rainbow of different romantic pairings for various characters, and the lack of consensus as to which ones are “canon” speaks to the show’s affectational fluidity and dynamism.

In the end, the Jellicle cats all present a world within the everyday that is deeply queer and fluid, a “thin space” where personalities are larger than life and anything is possible. In this gay and mystifying romp, I was moved to a consideration in the years since I saw it of my own “secret names” as a future queer seminarian and priest (though I didn’t know it then). While it may seem bewildering to some, I continue to cherish it as a tribute to the great mysteries of queer existence, love and community. And that’s how you address us cats.

*Props to my comrade for extending on and fleshing out this metaphor in his blog post.

[picsofsannyas]

And Buddha wanted his disciples to be integrated individuals

BELOVED OSHO,

BUT THE BATHHOUSE SUTRA SAYS, "BY CONTRIBUTING TO THE BATHING OF MONKS, PEOPLE RECEIVE LIMITLESS BLESSINGS." THIS WOULD APPEAR TO BE AN INSTANCE OF EXTERNAL PRACTICE ACHIEVING MERIT. HOW DOES THIS RELATE TO BEHOLDING THE MIND? HERE, THE BATHING OF MONKS DOESN'T REFER TO THE WASHING OF ANYTHING TANGIBLE. WHEN THE LORD PREACHED THE BATHHOUSE SUTRA, HE WANTED HIS DISCIPLES TO REMEMBER THE DHARMA OF WASHING. SO HE USED AN EVERYDAY CONCERN TO CONVEY HIS REAL MEANING.      ...THE BATHHOUSE IS THE BODY. WHEN YOU LIGHT THE FIRE OF WISDOM, YOU WARM THE PURE WATER OF THE PRECEPTS AND BATHE THE TRUE BUDDHA-NATURE WITHIN YOU. BY UPHOLDING THESE SEVEN PRACTICES, YOU ADD TO YOUR VIRTUE. THE MONKS OF THAT AGE WERE PERCEPTIVE. THEY UNDERSTOOD THE BUDDHA'S MEANING. THEY FOLLOWED HIS TEACHING, PERFECTED THEIR VIRTUE AND TASTED THE FRUIT OF BUDDHAHOOD. BUT PEOPLE NOWADAYS CAN'T FATHOM THESE THINGS.      ...OUR TRUE BUDDHA-NATURE HAS NO SHAPE. AND THE DUST OF AFFLICTION HAS NO FORM. HOW CAN PEOPLE USE ORDINARY WATER TO WASH AN INTANGIBLE BODY? IT WON'T WORK. WHEN WILL THEY WAKE UP? TO CLEAN SUCH A BODY, YOU HAVE TO BEHOLD IT. ONCE IMPURITIES AND FILTH ARISE FROM DESIRE, THEY MULTIPLY UNTIL THEY COVER YOU INSIDE AND OUT. BUT IF YOU TRY TO WASH THIS BODY OF YOURS, YOU'LL HAVE TO SCRUB UNTIL IT'S NEARLY GONE BEFORE IT'S CLEAN. FROM THIS YOU SHOULD REALIZE THAT WASHING SOMETHING EXTERNAL ISN'T WHAT THE BUDDHA MEANT.

THE SUTRAS SAY THAT SOMEONE WHO WHOLEHEARTEDLY INVOKES THE BUDDHA IS SURE TO BE REBORN IN THE WESTERN PARADISE. SINCE THIS DOOR LEADS TO BUDDHAHOOD, WHY SEEK LIBERATION IN BEHOLDING THE MIND?      ...BUDDHA MEANS AWARENESS, THE AWARENESS OF BODY AND MIND THAT PREVENTS EVIL FROM ARISING IN EITHER. AND TO INVOKE MEANS TO CALL TO MIND, TO CALL CONSTANTLY TO MIND THE RULES OF DISCIPLINE AND TO FOLLOW THEM WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT.      ...TO INVOKE THE BUDDHA'S NAME, YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THE DHARMA OF INVOKING. IF IT'S NOT PRESENT IN YOUR MIND, YOUR MOUTH CHANTS AN EMPTY NAME. AS LONG AS YOU'RE TROUBLED BY THE THREE POISONS OR BY THOUGHTS OF YOURSELF, YOUR DELUDED MIND WILL KEEP YOU FROM SEEING THE BUDDHA .... IF YOU CLING TO APPEARANCES WHILE SEARCHING FOR MEANING, YOU WON'T FIND A THING. THUS, SAGES OF THE PAST CULTIVATED INTROSPECTION AND NOT SPEECH. THIS MIND IS THE SOURCE OF ALL VIRTUES. AND THIS MIND IS THE CHIEF OF ALL POWERS. THE ETERNAL BLISS OF NIRVANA COMES FROM THE MIND AT REST. REBIRTH IN THE THREE REALMS ALSO COMES FROM THE MIND. THE MIND IS THE DOOR TO EVERY WORLD. AND THE MIND IS THE FORD TO THE OTHER SHORE. THOSE WHO KNOW WHERE THE DOOR IS DON'T WORRY ABOUT REACHING IT. THOSE WHO KNOW WHERE THE FORD IS DON'T WORRY ABOUT CROSSING IT. THE PEOPLE I MEET NOWADAYS ARE SUPERFICIAL. THEY THINK OF MERIT AS SOMETHING THAT HAS FORM. THEY SQUANDER THEIR WEALTH AND BUTCHER CREATURES OF LAND AND SEA .... THEY SEE SOMETHING TANGIBLE AND INSTANTLY BECOME ATTACHED. IF YOU TALK TO THEM ABOUT FORMLESSNESS, THEY SIT THERE DUMB AND CONFUSED. GREEDY FOR THE SMALL MERCIES OF THIS WORLD, THEY REMAIN BLIND TO THE GREAT SUFFERING TO COME. SUCH DISCIPLES WEAR THEMSELVES OUT IN VAIN. TURNING FROM THE TRUE TO THE FALSE, THEY TALK ABOUT NOTHING BUT FUTURE BLESSINGS. IF YOU CAN SIMPLY CONCENTRATE YOU MIND'S INNER LIGHT AND BEHOLD ITS OUTER ILLUMINATION, YOU'LL DISPEL THE THREE POISONS AND DRIVE AWAY THE SIX THIEVES ONCE AND FOR ALL. AND WITHOUT EFFORT YOU'LL GAIN POSSESSION OF AN INFINITE NUMBER OF VIRTUES, PERFECTIONS AND DOORS TO THE TRUTH. SEEING THROUGH THE MUNDANE AND WITNESSING THE SUBLIME IS LESS THAN AN EYE-BLINK AWAY. REALIZATION IS NOW. WHY WORRY ABOUT GRAY HAIR? BUT THE TRUE DOOR IS HIDDEN AND CAN'T BE REVEALED. I HAVE ONLY TOUCHED UPON BEHOLDING THE MIND.

Thank God that this is the last Bodhidharma sutra. I was worried about where he is going after the bathhouse! It has been a tremendous journey to the mountaintop and back to your home. Bodhidharma has been taking you on the whole merry-go-round.

I started with Bodhidharma -- the name Bodhidharma means "the self-nature of awareness" -- but unfortunately I have to end the journey with Buddhudharma. Buddhudharma means "the nature of unawareness, of stupidity."

He got himself into this mess, but it has been of tremendous insight to us. Watching him you can avoid the same mess. Whatever he said earlier showed his insight into the deepest potential of man, but what he is saying now is just absolutely irrelevant. Once in a while he remembers who he is but it seems he goes on forgetting; or perhaps he is too much attached to his special doctrine of Mahayana and much worried about disturbing the newly initiated Buddhists. In this situation, he must have suffered a lot. I can see -- perhaps nobody may have noted it -- but I can see his suffering. His suffering is that he is saying things very unwillingly and this is the problem with all those who accept any doctrine, any scripture, any church. They are in constant trouble. If they listen to their own inner voice, it says something; if they listen to the tradition, it says something else.

There have been very few people in the world who are ready to antagonize everybody. If Bodhidharma had said whatever his experience was, perhaps he would have lost all his prestige, respectability and his great name in the annals of Buddhism. But to me, it would not have been a loss. To me, he would have risen higher than anyone else, just because his single commitment was concentratedly and consistently one ...and that is his own experienced truth. Nothing else can change it. You laughed listening to the very name of the sutra, THE BATHHOUSE SUTRA, because you don't know that there have been two rebellious religions against Hinduism in India -- Jainism and Buddhism. The Jaina monk never takes a bath; he does not even brush his teeth. He stinks and it is thought to be a great discipline that you are not at all concerned with your body which is ephemeral, which is going to die anyway. Why go on cleaning it and wasting your time? It will become unclean again tomorrow.

Buddhism is almost a parallel religion to Jainism. They agree on all the essential points, but Buddha seems to be more sensible than Mahavira. He wanted his monks to take a bath every day so that they would remain clean, so that their bodies would not be condemned but respected as a temple of their divine nature. But there were so many monks: to feed them, to give them use of your bathhouses, to give them clothes, to give them medicines when they were sick, was becoming more and more of a burden to the society.

Just a few years ago in Thailand, the situation became so bad that almost one-fourth of the population of the country were monks. The government had to pass a law saying unless you had the permission of the government, you could not become a monk.

This is the first time in history that any government had taken such a step but it was absolutely necessary in a poor country. If out of four persons, one person does not work, does not create and yet needs all kinds of things which are absolutely necessary, he is going to become a burden.

It is an ugly situation where half the population is starving, where half of the country sleeps only with one daily meal, where people not only eat fruits but dig out the roots of trees, boil them and eat them, hoping that they must have nourishing power. Because they are nourishing the whole tree -- they are nourishing the flowers and the fruits -- naturally the roots must have great nourishment.

Gautam Buddha has to talk about such trivia because if it is not talked about, then people start taking decisions on their own. And Buddha wanted his disciples to be integrated individuals -- clean, pure, alert in every possible way both outwardly and inwardly. His concern and compassion were so great that there are thirty-three thousand rules for a Buddhist monk. It is mind-boggling; thirty-three thousand rules! Even to remember them is difficult. But Buddha has taken care of every detail: when to wake up, when to go to beg for your food, not to take all your food from one house but from five houses so nobody is burdened. Five houses can give you small bits and that will be enough for you. On one house, you might be a little heavy ...and not to stay in one city more than three days so you don't create any kind of burden for anybody. Eat only one time a day because millions of people eat only once a day. You should not ask for two meals. Don't have more than three pieces of clothing; two to use, one for emergency situations. For example: you suddenly find yourself coming back to the place where all the other monks are staying and it starts raining. Both your pieces of clothing, upper and lower, are wet. At least you still have one cloth to cover yourself -- this third is for an emergency. Two are for your essential needs but you should not have more than three.

These details were essential though they look like trivia. You think, "What nonsense is this? A Gautam Buddha should talk about spirituality, about growth and awareness and freedom and he is talking about these small matters." But he had to for the simple reason because he accepted the idea of renouncing the world. Once people renounce the world they are bound to become burdens ...and on poor societies.

So when Buddha says that one who gives his bathhouse to be used by a monk earns great virtue, he is simply trying to persuade people that they should not think of it as a burden, but as a blessing. When a monk accepts the food you offer he is not obliged to you, Buddha says. You are obliged to him. Just his receiving your food, on your part gives great virtue. Perhaps you have given your own food, perhaps you have given your children's food, but you have sacrificed something and you have respected a man who has no possessions, no money.

Buddha has said that the mother is blessed who gives birth to a child who is going to renounce the world. The father is blessed who has a child who is going to renounce the world. They are renouncing the world just to develop their potential to its ultimate. Help them. If you cannot raise your consciousness, at least you can help in some small way those who are making the tremendous effort of raising their consciousness to its ultimate illumination.

Hence, whether it is trivia or not, it would have been perfectly good if Bodhidharma had accepted the sutra as it was. And what I have said, he should have said. But he himself is feeling embarrassed, so he starts trying again, saying it is a metaphor for something invisible, and that makes his whole approach fallacious. I will read the sutra and then I will read his fictitious explanations. The sutra is absolutely clear; it needs no clarification. BUT THE BATHHOUSE SUTRA SAYS, "BY CONTRIBUTING TO THE BATHING OF MONKS, PEOPLE RECEIVE LIMITLESS BLESSINGS." THIS WOULD APPEAR TO BE AN INSTANCE OF EXTERNAL PRACTICE ACHIEVING MERIT. HOW DOES THIS RELATE TO BEHOLDING THE MIND?

The disciple is asking Bodhidharma: You say beholding the mind is enough, but Buddha is talking about such small things. In your beholding the mind is there any place for such things?

The simple answer would have been: I am talking about the essential and Buddha is talking about both the essential and the nonessential. He is taking care not only of what the monk has to do. The monk has to behold his mind; that is his only essential practice -- awareness, vipassana, watching, witnessing. But also, the poor monk needs food; he needs some shelter in rain, he needs some clothes.

Buddha has a very comprehensive view. It was not just a question of a single monk but when millions of people were becoming monks, then certain rules had to be made; otherwise it would have created chaos in the whole society.

A monk is not supposed to say what he wants to eat. Whatever is made by the family for itself, he should take only that. He should not say to which family he is going to beg tomorrow, because his information may make the family feel that then they have to make some delicious food, some costly food because the monk is coming to their home. This may be an unnecessary burden and the monk may become a parasite.

To avoid all this, Buddha had to talk about such small things that people ordinarily don't like, and in those days very few people had their own bathhouses. Even today after twenty-five centuries, except in a few big cities, ninety percent of the Indian population has no bathroom in their house. They go outside the village, either to the bank of a river, or to the bank of a lake. That is their bathroom, that is their toilet.

It is thought to be a great luxury to have a bathroom attached to your bedroom; only a very few people in India can afford it, the country is so poor. And not only poverty has prevented it; even people who had enough money in the days of Buddha had no idea of having a bathroom attached to their bedroom.

You will be surprised to know that just a hundred years ago there was a case in the Supreme Court of America, because a man attached a bathroom to his bedroom. It was thought to be against Christianity; it was thought to be such a dirty thing. The man had learned about it from Europe and he thought he was bringing a gift to America. It certainly is a gift!

But the Christian associations filed a case against him in the Supreme Court saying that he was trying to corrupt people's minds. "This is an idea implanted in his mind by the devil," they said. "Who has ever heard of a bathroom attached to your bedroom?" And you will be surprised that the Supreme Court ordered the man to move the bathroom to the back of the house where it belonged. They were called outhouses. They were not attached to the main house -- just in the backyard, far away. Dirty places!

But in Buddha's time, there were rich people who had attached bathrooms and the most surprising, almost unbelievable thing is that in Harappa and Mohanjodaro, two most ancient cities discovered in Pakistan .... They are seven thousand years old. Some natural calamity, or perhaps some man-made calamity, destroyed those beautiful cities not only once, but seven times, because seven times those cities were built. People have been excavating for almost half a century. They could not believe what kind of calamity had continuously happened: one layer of the city is covered with mud, then another layer of the city is again covered with mud.

As they went on digging, first they thought the first layer, the superficial layer was the city, but somebody tried to dig a little deeper to see what is underneath that. They were surprised to find that after a few feet of layers of mud, there was another city. Then they tried again and again and finally they have found seven layers of great cities -- cities which had streets as broad as San Francisco or New York. And certainly cities don't have those broad streets if they don't have big vehicles to move on them. Varanasi is thought to be the ancientmost city in India. Not even the smallest car can enter in the old part of Varanasi. What to say of a car? -- even sunlight never reaches there because on both sides are huge buildings. Just when the sun comes exactly in the middle of the sky, for a few minutes there is sunlight; otherwise the whole day there is no sun. A great civilization must have been there.

I remembered them because all the houses in Mohanjodaro and Harappa -- both the cities -- had bathrooms attached to their bedrooms, had swimming pools as big as we have them now. And they had a system, a very strange system which they had invented, for hot and cold running water in every house. It is simply amazing! It seems they had reached to the same height of civilization, perhaps better, because even in the beginning part of the twentieth century the Supreme Court of America refused to let that man have a bathroom in his own house. The future is going to be different because there are architects .... I have seen a few designs sent to me from a friend who is thinking about a very strange thing which will be fought in courts by every religion all over the world. The idea is not to have an attached bathroom but to have the room inside the bathroom. They have made such beautiful designs that the bathroom does not look out of place; it enhances the beauty of the room.

But certainly it is going to be contested by every religion ...that this is going too far. Somehow we have accepted bathrooms attached to the rooms. Now these insane architects are trying to enforce an idea ...and I think that idea is going to work out. Their designs are just superb. Why have an attached bathroom? The bathroom can be made so beautiful that you can attach your room to the bathroom. And in fact both can be in the same place -- there is no need for any partition. It is YOUR bathroom, it is YOUR bedroom. And things can be made so beautiful and so clean, there is no question of ....

But it was a problem. Very few rich families had bathrooms and the problem was bigger because the Buddhist monks could not take a bath in the river. They didn't have enough clothes, they didn't have any underwear. They had only three pieces of clothing, one to wrap around underneath, another to wrap around on top -- just plain pieces of cloth.

To avoid tailoring -- because that is a luxury -- they were just using plain pieces of cloth; one they wrap around their waist, another they wrap around their chest, and that's all. It was difficult for them. Either they had to be naked -- which was not allowed by Gautam Buddha -- or they had to enter the river with their clothes on and then their clothes would get wet.

So you have to see the whole situation ...why Gautam Buddha has to talk about such trivia. It is giving an incentive to the people who have their own bathrooms to allow the monks to have a bath and then people would receive limitless blessings. There is no metaphor in it. It means exactly what it says. The disciple is absolutely right to ask: "This would appear to be an instance of external practice achieving merit, because the man who is allowing you use of his bathroom is achieving merit. He is not doing anything -- just allowing you to use his bathroom."

And Bodhidharma says, "There is nothing and no need and no possibility either, of attaining any merit from any outside practice. The only meritorious thing is beholding the mind."

He could have simply said, "This is only an incentive for people; otherwise why should they allow anybody?" In fact, nobody likes his bathroom to be used by anybody else, and particularly not by strangers. It is not a public place. Everybody wants his bathroom to be private, his own, and the richer people are .... They certainly would not like the idea of strange monks wandering with dirty clothes, dirty feet because they have no shoes, perspiring in hot summer, collecting dust on the roads which were not coal tar, asphalt, or cement -- they were just dusty roads for bullock carts. Rich men would not like this.

And you don't have any idea of the rich men of those days. They used to have in their bathtubs, not ordinary water, but rosewater. It is a strange story of a strange humanity: one part is dying for food and another part of the same race of human beings takes such a costly bath -- thousands of roseflowers have to be used for one bath. These people would not like vagabonds, monks, beggars -- they were all beggars in their eyes -- unless they had some incentive that they would get great blessings in the other world. Buddha is simply talking in business terms and he is perfectly right.

But the problem with Bodhidharma is that he cannot accept things simply as they are. He says:

HERE, THE BATHING OF MONKS DOESN'T REFER TO THE WASHING OF ANYTHING TANGIBLE.

How do you wash anything intangible? A thing that is not tangible is not visible either. Only tangible things have to be washed. Your body can be given a shower but not your soul. Your clothes can be cleaned but not your being. But that does not mean that you have to use dirty clothes, that you have to remain dirty in your body.

Buddha was very aesthetic in comparison to Mahavira, his contemporary, and that's why he has more grace than Mahavira. Mahavira has a very strong personality but he's not graceful ...a personality of a wrestler, but not the individuality of a lotus flower.

It is not accidental that Gautam Buddha has become synonymous with the lotus flower. It is so fragile and so beautiful and so graceful that no other flower on the earth even comes close to it. He wanted his monks to be sensitive, aesthetic, clean, and naturally the only way was to tell the people that if you help these poor monks with food, with a bath, with medicine, with clothes you will be getting great merit in the other world. This was simply a pragmatic affair.

WHEN THE LORD PREACHED THE BATHHOUSE SUTRA, HE WANTED HIS DISCIPLES TO REMEMBER THE DHARMA OF WASHING. SO HE USED AN EVERYDAY CONCERN TO CONVEY HIS REAL MEANING .... THE BATHHOUSE IS THE BODY.

Now this is nonsense and he himself in the beginning sutras has said Buddha never teaches nonsense. He is contradicting almost everything that he has said with tremendous clarity in the beginning sutras. But now he himself has got into trouble.

THE BATHHOUSE IS THE BODY. WHEN YOU LIGHT THE FIRE OF WISDOM, YOU WARM THE PURE WATER OF THE PRECEPTS AND BATHE THE TRUE BUDDHA-NATURE WITHIN YOU.

Could not Buddha have said something other than the BATHHOUSE SUTRA? He could have talked about the BUDDHA-NATURE SUTRA. Do you think Buddha was less intelligent than Bodhidharma ...that he did not know that it is better to say exactly what he means? And there is no difficulty in saying it. A Bodhidharma can say it -- why can't Buddha say it?

BY UPHOLDING THESE SEVEN PRACTICES, YOU ADD TO YOUR VIRTUE. THE MONKS OF THAT AGE WERE PERCEPTIVE.

If this is true, that the monks of that age -- that means Gautam Buddha's time -- were perceptive, then certainly the BATHHOUSE SUTRA does not need to be called BATHHOUSE SUTRA at all. It should be called the BUDDHA-NATURE SUTRA, or any other beautiful word. Why bring bathhouse into it? And if Bodhidharma can make it clear to less perceptive people -- and Buddha's disciples were more perceptive -- it is strange that he had to use such strange metaphors. Bodhidharma is making the whole thing up.

THEY UNDERSTOOD THE BUDDHA'S MEANING. If they understood the Buddha's meaning then why was he hiding it behind the bathhouse? THEY FOLLOWED HIS TEACHING, PERFECTED THEIR VIRTUE AND TASTED THE FRUIT OF BUDDHAHOOD.

If these disciples of Buddha had even experienced buddhahood, what was the need to speak to them in metaphors? Buddha could have been direct -- metaphors are needed for children. So what he is saying is right, but it goes against him, not in favor of him.

BUT PEOPLE NOWADAYS CAN'T FATHOM THESE THINGS .... But the BATHHOUSE SUTRA is not written for Bodhidharma's time. Bodhidharma came eleven hundred years after the BATHHOUSE SUTRA was spoken by Buddha. Do you think Buddha was talking to the people of Bodhidharma's time? This is something to be understood because it is a constantly repeated thing: that people of older times were more perceptive, more sensitive, more intelligent than the people of today. Even today it is being said. In Babylon a brick has been excavated and on the brick there is an inscription which says, "People of the old days were very intelligent" -- and the brick is six thousand years old. Gautam Buddha and Mahavira both repeat many times that people of the old days were very intelligent, but I don't know when those old days were.

In the Hindu VEDAS, which are supposed to be the oldest scriptures in the world, one man from this very city, Lokmanya Balgangadhar Tilak has proved, and proved with great argument and evidence -- and such evidence that it has not been refuted by anybody for almost half a century -- that the first Veda out of the four, RIG VEDA, is ninety thousand years old. But even in RIG VEDA, it is the same: that in the old days, people were very perceptive, very intelligent. I don't know when these old days were. It simply seems to condemn the people of the present day. This idea has been continuously used.

Is man's consciousness evolving or not? According to all these people, it seems that it is going downwards, not upwards. In fact the further back in history you go, the more primitive people you will find with more primitive practices. Cannibalism was a prevalent practice. The few cannibals that are left are in the thick forests of Africa, but they are the ancientmost people.

If you want to see the ancientmost people, you can go to Africa, but be careful! I have heard that when the first Christian missionary went there to convert the cannibals and to tell them, "God loves you all and Jesus will come to save you," they enjoyed his sermon very much. They took him on their shoulders and he thought that this was a great reception. When they started putting him into a boiling pot, he said, "What are you doing?" They said, "In just a few minutes you will see."

When the water started getting too hot, the fat missionary with just his head showing out from the big pot, started trying some way to persuade these people: "I have come here to give you a taste of Christianity and you are killing me." They said, "Don't be worried. Once we have made a soup of you, we will have the first taste of Christianity. That's why we are boiling you -- to have a taste of Christianity."

I think there is no other way of having a taste of Christianity! These are the most primitive people: they were three thousand at the beginning of this century, but because it is very rare to find anybody passing in their area -- they look all around but nobody goes even close -- then finally they have to eat their own people. In the beginning of this century there were three thousand; now there are only three hundred. They have eaten twenty-seven hundred of their own people. Every day food is needed. If they can get somebody from outside, good -- just a little taste of some Chinese, some Japanese, some German, some Indian. Just as you go once in a while to the Chinese restaurant, they also want some taste -- some change once in a while.

But it is very difficult because people remain miles away from them. Everybody knows that that area is dangerous; people have gone there but they have never returned. Whoever has gone there, has gone forever. Once they catch hold of you, you are finished ...soon you will be cooked -- maybe stuffed with grapes, spices. You may enjoy it! I am not saying that you will NOT enjoy it, you MAY enjoy it! The whole thing will be such an adventure.

But as you go backwards you will find more and more unintelligent, more and more retarded, more and more barbarous people. So this idea that is being used by all religions -- that people in the beginning were great and now everybody has fallen -- this is not true. This is absolutely wrong. There is no historical basis to it and no logical support. And I want to say to you that you are the highest pinnacle of consciousness up to now -- although your highest pinnacle is not much. You have immense potential undeveloped. But those primitive people were even more undeveloped than you are. You have at least some consciousness, they had no consciousness at all. They were just close to the animals.

OUR TRUE BUDDHA-NATURE HAS NO SHAPE. AND THE DUST OF AFFLICTION HAS NO FORM. HOW CAN PEOPLE USE ORDINARY WATER TO WASH AN INTANGIBLE BODY?

He goes on repeating the same stupid things. Yesterday he was saying how can Buddha drink ordinary milk -- now, how can people use ordinary water? -- as if there is some extraordinary water available somewhere!

TO WASH AN INTANGIBLE BODY ... That which is intangible need not be washed. Only the tangible gets dirty. The invisible, space, never gets dirty; the sky never gets dirty. The silence beyond mind never gets dirty. And even if it gets dirty -- which is impossible but just for argument's sake, even if it gets dirty -- then we will find some invisible soap, some invisible shampoo which you cannot see. You will just see the empty bottle but inside there is invisible shampoo.

I have heard in a New York shop they were selling a certain commodity, so much of it that all the women of New York were immensely excited and wanted to purchase it. It was invisible hair pins. I think no woman can remain without temptation if invisible hairpins are available. There were queues before the shop and women were taking the packages, giving money and going away. One woman opened the box and could not see anything there. How can you see invisible hairpins? So she said to the shopkeeper, "I don't see anything." He asked, "How can you see invisible hairpins?"

She said, "That's right. I want to come again tomorrow to purchase a few more for my daughters and my friends to send as presents, because this is something so new. Will you have enough stock for tomorrow also? because I see so many customers and I had to stand for almost one hour in the queue. He said, "Don't be worried. We have been out of stock for fifteen days but it is an invisible thing. It does not matter whether it is there or not. You can come anytime -- it will be always available."

Bodhidharma is saying something which is absolutely illogical, irrational. It is not even common sense.

IT WON'T WORK. WHEN WILL THEY WAKE UP? TO CLEAN SUCH A BODY, YOU HAVE TO BEHOLD IT. ONCE IMPURITIES AND FILTH ARISE FROM DESIRE, THEY MULTIPLY UNTIL THEY COVER YOU INSIDE AND OUT. BUT IF YOU TRY TO WASH THIS BODY OF YOURS, YOU WILL HAVE TO SCRUB UNTIL IT IS NEARLY GONE, BEFORE IT IS CLEAN. He is saying you cannot clean this body that is visible. If you try to clean it you will have to scrub it to the point when the whole body is gone. Then you will be clean. That means there is no need to clean this body. It is useless; it will mean committing suicide!

But you know that there is no need to scrub the body to the point that it disappears. You can scrub the body to the point that you don't have a body odor, that your perspiration is not creating a disgusting smell around you, that your mouth is washed clean, that your breathing is not disturbing anybody else. You can use soap, you can use shampoo, you can use deodorants. There is no need to scrub the body to the point that it is completely gone. Then what is the point of cleaning it? Nothing is left.

Bodhidharma thinks he is giving you an argument that shows Buddha does not mean the ordinary bath for your body, he means cleaning your soul.

But Bodhidharma has forgotten completely that in his own sutras he said that the soul is always clean -- it has never been unclean -- that your buddha-nature is always pure, it has never been impure. Can you remember his sutras? He says that you are already enlightened, just you are asleep. There is no question of cleaning or doing any worship, or any ritual. All that you need is to behold your mind, and slowly, slowly that beholding of the mind will wake you up. To be awake is to be enlightened.

But now he has completely forgotten all those sutras. He has made such a tremendous mistake he should have stopped the moment the ultimate question about ignorance was asked. He did not stop. One has to know where to stop, otherwise one gets into a trap. Now he is going on and on and he does not know where to stop and how to stop.

FROM THIS YOU SHOULD REALIZE THAT WASHING SOMETHING EXTERNAL IS NOT WHAT THE BUDDHA MEANT.

Only the external needs washing; the internal needs no washing. And if Buddha meant what he is saying, then Bodhidharma is also driving Buddha to the same point of stupidity at which he is. Only the external gets dirty and needs washing. The internal never gets dirty and hence needs no washing.

The disciple asked: THE SUTRAS SAY THAT SOMEONE WHO WHOLEHEARTEDLY INVOKES THE BUDDHA IS SURE TO BE REBORN IN THE WESTERN PARADISE. SINCE THIS DOOR LEADS TO BUDDHAHOOD, WHY SEEK LIBERATION IN BEHOLDING THE MIND?

The disciple's continuous insistence is because if Bodhidharma's emphasis on beholding the mind is enough, then why does Buddha talk about other things? And Bodhidharma does not have the courage to speak against his own master. He could have said, "It is not my business to sort out his things. My understanding and my realization is that just beholding the mind is enough. Perhaps Buddha wanted to create an outer discipline also, side by side with an internal discipline. That is his business. That is none of my concern." Just a simple statement like this would have saved him from falling down from the sunlit peak where he was, into small things which he cannot solve.

His answer is again the same kind of foolishness. BUDDHA MEANS AWARENESS ...which he has said so many times.

BUDDHA MEANS AWARENESS, THE AWARENESS OF BODY AND MIND, THAT PREVENTS EVIL FROM ARISING IN EITHER. AND TO INVOKE MEANS TO CALL TO MIND.

If invoke means to call to mind, then why should Buddha not say, "Call to mind?"; why say, "Invoke Buddha?" Why make things unnecessarily complicated when they can be made simple? And Buddha is not a man to make things complicated; he is not a philosopher. He is a realized sage. He speaks only in the simplest way and the clearest way, not using any jargon that can create disturbances in people's minds. His whole effort is to pacify the mind so that you can go beyond it more easily.

AND TO INVOKE MEANS TO CALL TO MIND, TO CALL CONSTANTLY TO MIND THE RULES OF DISCIPLINE AND TO FOLLOW THEM WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT.

And this same Bodhidharma has said again and again that no discipline can lead you to buddhahood, that no rules are needed. The only thing that can help you is simply awareness of your thought process, of your mind. TO INVOKE THE BUDDHA'S NAME, YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THE DHARMA OF INVOKING. IF IT IS NOT PRESENT IN YOUR MIND, YOUR MOUTH CHANTS AN EMPTY NAME. AS LONG AS YOU ARE TROUBLED BY THE THREE POISONS, OR BY THOUGHTS OF YOURSELF, YOUR DELUDED MIND WILL KEEP YOU FROM SEEING THE BUDDHA .... IF YOU CLING TO APPEARANCES WHILE SEARCHING FOR MEANING, YOU WON'T FIND A THING. THUS, SAGES OF THE PAST CULTIVATED INTROSPECTION AND NOT SPEECH.

That is absolutely incorrect, because what is introspection except internal thinking? And what is speech but bringing your internal thinking to an expression? They are not different. One is the inside. First you introspect, you think, and then you bring it out: you can think the word RAMA without saying it and then you can say "Rama." What is the difference? The difference is only that first you were saying it to yourself. Talking to yourself is introspection and talking to others is speech. Introspection is a silent monologue. Everybody goes on doing it all the time -- it has nothing to do with sages. Even sinners have to do it! What are you doing all the time except introspecting? Sitting, walking, you are continuously thinking of a thousand and one things, but only a few things you bring to expression. Saying that sages of the past cultivated introspection and not speech is not true because if sages were not speaking, then from where have your scriptures come, from where your VEDAS, from where your UPANISHADS? And there are one hundred and eight UPANISHADS. From where does your holy KORAN, and from where does your HOLY BIBLE come? From where your holy TALMUD, from where Gautam Buddha's DHAMMAPADA? And from where do the words of Bodhidharma himself come? He is speaking and talking about sages who cultivated introspection only, and not speech.

That means all your holy scriptures are written by sinners and not by sages. A sage is one who knows himself and he speaks only that which is in tune with his inner experience. If he cannot find a word to express it, he remains silent. He is not against speech, he is not in favor of silence. He has come to a space which is beyond language, so it is very difficult to speak; but it is difficult to introspect also, because whatever can be introspected, can be spoken. Just watch: introspection is speaking within yourself -- you are using words. If you can use words without speaking, why can't you use the same words in speaking? That which cannot be spoken cannot be introspected either because they are two sides of the same coin.

THIS MIND IS THE SOURCE OF ALL VIRTUES.

Now I am helpless but to say that this is pure nonsense! And it is nonsense according to Bodhidharma. In his own sutras he has said that this mind has to be transcended, that this mind is your bondage, that this mind has to be completely silenced, emptied. In other words you have to attain to no-mind. No-mind can be the source of all virtues, but not the mind. If the mind is the source of all virtues, then what is the purpose of no-mind? All virtues include all virtues. Only sins remain. Is the no-mind the source of all sin? Is meditation the source of all that is criminal in you, immoral in you, unvirtuous in you? Bodhidharma is not in his right senses. Once he trembled, once he lied, he has not been able to regain his balance.

THIS MIND IS THE SOURCE OF ALL VIRTUES. AND THIS MIND IS THE CHIEF OF ALL POWERS.

Then what about the buddha-nature and its power?

THE ETERNAL BLISS OF NIRVANA COMES FROM THE MIND AT REST. Here he comes a little bit closer to the truth but not exactly to the truth. The mind at rest is still mind. Nirvana happens on the death of the mind, not just at the resting of the mind, because the mind that is at rest can any moment become restless. The mind simply has to go. Then only can you be certain of your absolute peace. The troublemaker is completely gone. The troublemaker at rest does not mean you are free of trouble. The troublemaker may be simply resting to gain a little energy to create more trouble again. He may be tired -- everybody gets tired.

I used to live in a house with a friend and his child was a continuous nuisance. His father was tired, his mother was tired but he was an only child so they loved him very much. Only I was not tired of him. They asked me, "What is the matter? He never harasses you."

I said, "I harass him. I call him and he never comes close to me." He said, "How do you harass him? Because he is such a constant worry, never at rest, always doing something, dropping something, breaking something, jumping from the sofa onto the table. He cannot sit silently."

I said, "I will show you how he can sit silently."

As I went in he said, "I will sit silently."

His father said, "What is the matter? You have not said anything -- just your coming and he is saying, `I will sit silently.'"

I used to live in half of the house and they used to live in the other half -- but both were connected from inside. The child used to come once in a while to my side and I used to tell him, "If you want to come in you have to pay for it." He said, "What?" I said, "Money is not the issue. I will tell you what you have to do: first you have to go and run around the house seven times" -- it was a big house, four acres of land -- "seven times exactly, no cheating, no deceiving. Then you can come in."

After seven rounds he was so tired, he would come in and just flop on the sofa. I would say, "How are you feeling?"

He said, "I am still alive." And then I would continue my work and he would just rest.

So his father said, "This is strange ... you never told me -- and he has been torturing us."

I said, "I have found my way with him. Whenever he wants to see me or come to me, he has first to pay. And seven rounds of the house are enough. Then he does not ask for anything, then he is not in a position to ask. He is so tired he just sits on the sofa and most often falls asleep, and I continue my work." Mind at rest is not reliable. Mind has to go completely to the point that it cannot come back ...to the point of no return.

REBIRTH IN THE THREE REALMS ALSO COMES FROM THE MIND. THE MIND IS THE DOOR TO EVERY WORLD. AND THE MIND IS THE FORD TO THE OTHER SHORE.

This is not right because if mind is also the ford to the other shore, then what is the use of meditation? All powers belong to the mind, all words belong to the mind, all eternal bliss of nirvana comes from the resting of the mind. The ford going to the other shore is of the mind -- then what is the use of meditation? In fact, mind is not the ford to the other shore: meditation is. And meditation always means no-mind. When the mind is extinguished, the same energy that was involved in the mind becomes your meditation.

THOSE WHO KNOW WHERE THE DOOR IS DON'T WORRY ABOUT REACHING IT. THOSE WHO KNOW WHERE THE FORD IS DON'T WORRY ABOUT CROSSING IT.

THE PEOPLE I MEET NOWADAYS ARE SUPERFICIAL. THEY THINK OF MERIT AS SOMETHING THAT HAS FORM. THEY SQUANDER THEIR WEALTH AND BUTCHER CREATURES OF LAND AND SEA .... THEY SEE SOMETHING TANGIBLE AND INSTANTLY BECOME ATTACHED. IF YOU TALK TO THEM ABOUT FORMLESSNESS, THEY SIT THERE DUMB AND CONFUSED. GREEDY FOR THE SMALL MERCIES OF THIS WORLD, THEY REMAIN BLIND TO THE GREAT SUFFERING TO COME. SUCH DISCIPLES WEAR THEMSELVES OUT IN VAIN. TURNING FROM THE TRUE TO THE FALSE, THEY TALK ABOUT NOTHING BUT FUTURE BLESSINGS. IF YOU CAN SIMPLY CONCENTRATE YOUR MIND'S INNER LIGHT, AND BEHOLD ITS OUTER ILLUMINATION, YOU WILL DISPEL THE THREE POISONS AND DRIVE AWAY THE SIX THIEVES ONCE AND FOR ALL.

I have told you that in English there is no one word which can translate DHYAN. There are three words: the first is concentration, which is the lowest. It means focusing your mind on one thing or one thought. It is useful in science; in fact without concentration there would be no science at all. Science is the by-product of concentration.

The second word in English is contemplation, which is higher than concentration. Contemplation means thinking about a certain subject matter -- not a single thought, but a stream of thoughts confined to the same subject matter. For example, somebody is thinking about light. Then he goes on thinking about light, its speed, its division into seven colors and all its possibilities -- the whole physics of light. Philosophy arises out of contemplation, just as science arises out of concentration.

And the third word in English is meditation, which is the highest. But still it is not an equivalent to DHYAN, or the Chinese CH'AN, or the Japanese ZEN which are different pronunciations of the Sanskrit word DHYAN.

DHYAN means no-mind. In concentration, mind concentrates. In contemplation, mind contemplates. In meditation, mind meditates. But in dhyan, mind simply disappears. Dhyan is a silence beyond the mind. The man who has translated these sutras has used the lowest word in English -- concentrate -- for dhyan. This is a problem with linguistic people -- those who know the language. They translate books from one language into another, but particularly when it comes to translating poetry it becomes more difficult. And if it is a question of translating the statements of somebody who has attained to enlightenment, then it becomes even more difficult.

But the problem is that people who have attained to enlightenment are no longer interested in translating anybody's book. They are not even interested in writing their own book, they are enjoying their silence and their ecstasy so much. If they want to convey anything at all, they use the spoken word, because the spoken word has the warmth and the liveliness. And the spoken word has something of the person who is speaking it. It comes from his heart. It carries some flavor of his being. It also carries some light, some profundity which is lost in the written word. Hence, no enlightened person has ever written a single word.

IF YOU CAN SIMPLY CONCENTRATE YOUR MIND'S INNER LIGHT AND BEHOLD ITS OUTER ILLUMINATION, YOU WILL DISPEL THE THREE POISONS AND DRIVE AWAY THE SIX THIEVES ONCE AND FOR ALL. Just change the word concentrate. If you can meditate -- and the meditation has to be understood in the sense of DHYAN -- if you can bring your no-mind to function, then all is light, then all is delight.

AND WITHOUT EFFORT YOU WILL GAIN POSSESSION OF AN INFINITE NUMBER OF VIRTUES, PERFECTIONS AND DOORS TO THE TRUTH. SEEING THROUGH THE MUNDANE, AND WITNESSING THE SUBLIME, IS LESS THAN AN EYE-BLINK AWAY.

Finally at the end he comes back again to his original status. In this sentence he is again the Bodhidharma we started with.

SEEING THROUGH THE MUNDANE, AND WITNESSING THE SUBLIME, IS LESS THAN AN EYE-BLINK AWAY. REALIZATION IS NOW. WHY WORRY ABOUT GRAY HAIR?

Why worry about tomorrow and old age?

BUT THE TRUE DOOR IS HIDDEN, AND CAN'T BE REVEALED.

This is all that he needed to say at the time he was asked from where ignorance arises. Going round and round and round, at the end he manages to come to the point. The door, the true door, is hidden and can't be revealed.

I HAVE ONLY TOUCHED UPON BEHOLDING THE MIND.

If he had only said these two sentences at that moment -- and whatever he has said in between would have been dropped -- Bodhidharma's sutras would have remained absolutely pure, impeccably pure. But I have made it clear to you, so you can choose what is right and what is just so much prose.

That which is going to help you in meditation is right, and that which is just unnecessarily metaphysical, philosophizing, has no validity and is of no use to your meditation.

In a way I feel happy that by coincidence this sutra came to be discussed and you have seen both sides. It will help you to remain aware -- aware that even at the highest peak of your enlightenment you can still commit mistakes, you can still go astray, you can still say things which are stupid. The problem is that I cannot tolerate anything which is not the best. I want you to know only the best, to experience the best, only twenty-four carat gold, no pollution, no mixture, just utter purity.

It was good to talk about these sutras, because I could go on telling you what is not right and what is right. You may be reading many books, you may be hearing many people. Just watch clearly. Every day I receive letters from sannyasins saying, "I have been to see some saint, some guru" ...and I know those people are just idiots. They write to me, "We are very impressed," and I simply say, "My God!"

I have been working with these people so hard to make every small point completely clear, and any idiot can impress them! They don't seem to have the awareness and the clarity and the capacity for discrimination.

One of the greatest Indian scriptures is Badarayana's BRAHMASUTRA. He prescribes a clear-cut capacity for discrimination as the first thing needed by the disciple. I can see why Badarayana has made discrimination his first point -- to see what is false and to see what is true, to feel what is real and to feel what is just hypocrisy. Have you seen the Catholic pope? Perhaps many of you have seen him or met him and most of you must have seen his photographs. Do you see anything that gives you an indication that this man is the representative of God? He can be a salesman of any shoe company ...but a representative of God! He should look at least once in a mirror and he himself will realize, "My God, why have you chosen me? Can't you find some other idiot? In this big world, why have you chosen poor me?"

I have heard about an old Jew dying. He was muttering something, so people of his family came close to hear what he is muttering at the time of his death. He was saying to God, "God, just only one request. We have been your chosen people for four thousand years. It is enough. Can't you choose somebody else now? If you had not chosen us we would not have suffered so much. Now be merciful; listen to a dying old man's last words. It is time that you choose somebody else as your chosen people and relieve us of that great burden. We are being continuously crushed."

Look at your popes, look at your shankaracharyas, look at your Ayatollah Khomeini, look at your Jaina monks, Buddhist monks, and you will be surprised that these people don't have the presence of the awakened person. Neither do they have the words that come from an experienced source of authority, but you become impressed by any kind of nonsense.

And this has been going on for centuries. It is time it should stop. At least everybody should be meditative enough that he can discriminate between the man who is an arrow towards the ultimate truth and its realization, and the man who is simply pretending.

These sutras were a good exercise for you to see how to discriminate. Be very alert. To be impressed easily is to be gullible. Don't be gullible, otherwise you will be exploited. Not to be gullible is what Badarayana means by being discriminative, alert, aware. There is no hurry to be impressed by anybody. Wait, watch, look at it from every aspect, and if your heart starts ringing bells, then it is a different matter altogether. But if it is just your mind saying, "I have found the right master," beware of your mind.

Your mind is your greatest enemy.

Okay, Maneesha?

Yes, Osho.

[arpwrites]

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Tarot cards are a system of ‘divination,’ i.e., inference, based on the yet unproven concept that everything in the universe has a vibrational signature and that these vibrations obey the universal law of like attracting like. ‘Everything’ extends beyond the physical dimension and includes thoughtforms and energetic complexes. Similar in principle to how horary astrology works, the idea is that the vibration of your question will attract right vibration of cards for that moment based on energies at the time. Free will exists and there are several possible perspectives and futures, so readings only hold true while factors are in stasis and depend on the ability of the reader to strengthen and tune into these energies.

Remember!

Tarot interpretation is personal, intuitive and nuanced. Don’t compare card draws from one reader to another because meanings of cards are subjectively assigned by the deck user. Do not research your tarot reader’s card draws on your own and infer your own meaning, it will likely lead you to wrong assumptions. Only do so if your tarot reader recommends it because what matters most is their meaning of the card. 

Do not use tarot as your sole decision making tool – it is advice, not fact. Tarot is not well suited for precise, close-ended questions. It works best when the intent is for one’s highest good, and the questions are open-ended and introspective in nature.

It is best to enquire about events that will occur soon since tarot readings pick up on current energies. It will be a waste to enquire about far off events since there are a multitude of factors at play and the reading will most likely be void by the time it happens.

Please Note

I cannot do readings about subjects in which I have no knowledge. So for example, I can’t do questions on financial investments because I have no idea how that system works so I can’t overlay it onto my cards to read them. 

I tend to ask for more detail about their situation while I read. This is because every card has thousands of meanings based on the context so I’ll need clarification to ensure I’m communicating the message correctly. Sometimes the extra detail doesn’t help. In that case, I’ll offer all possible interpretations and ask which one resonates best.

My deck spits out as many cards as it wants regardless of the actual spread. I don’t draw specific cards, I shuffle till cards fall out on their own. So, your reading will likely have more cards than advertised.

Offered Readings

These include but are not limited to the below mentioned spreads. Let me know if what you want isn’t on this list and I can make a custom reading for your needs in the same price range. 

Three Cats in a Trenchcoat for $3. As the name gives away, a minimum of 3 cards are drawn for a short insight or to gain an overview or get direction regarding a multitude of topics. Note that the relationship spreads work for platonic, familial, romantic, destined, and karmic bonds. 

General: Past | Present | Future

General: Current Situation | Obstacle | Advice

General: Situation | Action | Outcome

General: Beginning | Middle | End

General: Start | Growth | Decay

Self-discovery: Mind | Body | Spirit

Self-discovery: You | Current Path | Potential

Self-discovery: Life Purpose | What Qualities | Action

Self-discovery: Needs | Wants | Fears

Self-discovery: Past Self | Present Self | Future Self

Self-discovery: Lesson You Need | Why | Action

Past: What Worked | What Didn’t | Key Lessons

Healing: Cords to Cut | Heal your Heart | Nurture Yourself

Healing: Be Aware | Remember | Let Go

Future: Aspiration | Obstacle | Solution

Future: What Helps | What Hinders | Unrealized Potential

Relationship: Intentions | Trustworthy? | Advice

Relationship: Teach Me | Need from Me | Relationship

Relationship: You | The Other Person | Nature of Relationship

Relationship: Soulmate? | Need to Know | Will it Last?

Relationship: Your Wants | Their Wants | Where It’s Heading

Relationship: Strength | Weakness | Obstacle

Relationship: Pulls Together | Pushes Apart | Needs Attention

Relationship: Conflict | Areas of Agreement | Resolution

Relationship: Outer Conflict | Inner Conflict | Relationship

Relationship: Real Issue | Next Action | Ultimate Destination

Conflict: The Nature of a Problem | The Cause | The Solution

Conflict: False Issue | Real Issue | Your Role

Conflict: Why | What | Resolution

Decision-making: Strengths | Weaknesses | Advice

Decision-making: Opportunities | Challenges | Outcome

Decision-making: Yes Outcome | No Outcome | Maybe Outcome

Decision-making: Option 1 | Option 2 | Option 3

Decision-making: Solution 1 | Solution 2 | How to Choose

Decision-making: Best Case | Worst Case | Probable Outcome

Decision-making: Choice | Pros | Cons

Career: Hobby | Possible Career Development | First Step

Career: Opportunities | Distractions | Action

Career: Job Positives | Job Negatives | Change - to +

Career: Pros of Quitting | Cons | Advice

Career: New Career Suggestion | Advice | Outcome of Quitting

The Monster Inside for $6. A minimum of 6 cards are drawn to identify the darkest aspect of your self, the area of your life it most affects, your inner demon, how you understand/accept/heal from it, what actions you can take to overcome it and grow, and the possible outcome.

Love Me, Love Me Not for $9. A minimum of 6 cards are drawn to see how your crush feels about you, whether a relationship would work, how to attract them, how dating them would be, whether you should confess, and whether they’ll play a special role in your life.

Knock Knock. It’s the Universe, Asshole for $9. As many cards as required will be drawn to know what the universe thinks you need to know at this moment. What does it want to tell you? What advice does it have for you? 

I’m BTS’s XXX for $9. This reading is strictly for fun and entertainment purposes! As many cards as required will be drawn to see what kind of relationship you’d have which your chosen member of BTS and how you’d meet if your paths were to cross. 

Yoda on the Loose for $12. A minimum of 10 cards are drawn for general advice about yourself, your mind, body, spirit, friends and family, romance, hobbies, career, finances, and challenges.

It’s My Year, Bitches for $15. A minimum of 12 cards are drawn for your previous year in summary, what you’ve learned from the past year, what you aspire to in the next twelve months, what empowers you to reach it, what may stand in your way, relationships and emotions in the upcoming year, career and work and finances, health and well-being, spiritual energy and inner fulfillment, what you need to focus on for the year ahead, most important lesson in the upcoming year, and where you’re headed overall in the coming twelve months. Well suited for birthdays and New Year’s.

Know Thyself to Know the Universe for $21. A minimum of 15 cards are drawn to find out your best and worst qualities, what makes you attractive, your needs and wants, how you love and how you need to receive love, the type of partner that would best fit you, the key lesson you’re supposed to learn in this lifetime, and your purpose of existence.

@Cupid Watch Out Sweaty for $30. A minimum of 20 cards are drawn for an in-depth relationship spread about the true you in context of your role in the relationship, the true them, how they see you, how you see them, the past of the relationship if applicable, where it stands now, what lies in store for the future, what brings you together, what pulls you apart, your wants, their needs, challenges, how to love each other etc.

Let me know if you have any questions! I look forward to reading for you :^)

Sources: Several spreads are by Biddy Tarot, My Wandering Fool, Lunar Cafe, Self Tarot while others are my own. Do not steal my spreads, ask me for permission first.

Note: Do not use the copy from this post for personal or commercial purposes. Use it as a guideline to write your own with visible, explicit credit that has a working link back to this blog.