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sup-hoes-its-me · 4 years

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A Hero (Shinsou x Reader)

A/N: okay so shinsou is such a cool character, kinda relatable tbh, so here we go. Friends to lovers, lots of fluff, cuteness. It took a lot of strength to take a break from writing my fav bakugo lol.

tw: you almost get assaulted

word count: 4400

Part One/ Part Two/ Part Three

So technically, Y/N wasn’t related to the Bakugos at all. She was the orphaned child of a family friend, who died a horrific hero’s death when she was only a couple years old. Without any other relatives in the area to adopt her, Y/N’s mother’s best friend took in the two year old, despite the trouble of raising two toddlers being quite daunting. Yet, her quirk wasn’t very dangerous nor special like Katsuki, so she wasn’t hard to manage in that area. Just a shy little girl, confused at the transition after the loss of her parents.

Y/N was never very strong willed like her new family. She was passive, the perfect representation of type B personality. Dependent, reliant, and fearful of adversity. The only reason she was never mercilessly bullied in her primary days was a result of her “brother’s” unrelenting defensiveness. He was an asshole, very much so, but he never let anyone pick fun at the girl. Not only did he kinda, sorta love her unconditionally as a silbing should, but his mother would murder him for not standing up for her.

But when they both got into U.A, suddenly the two weren’t equals anymore, nor would he always be by her side to watch out for her. Y/N was left behind in class C, while he soared into the top hero course. Y/N was support for the soon-to-be pros, not that she minded. The girl knew how weak she was, and unless she had a change of heart and decided to work harder on her quirk, she would never be able to succeed. She wasn’t motivated like those in Class A. Y/N never wanted the responsibility of being so good people relied on her, civilians putting all their faith into her. It was nerve wracking.

On the first day of class, Y/n said goodbye to her parents and walked to class with her brother. He carried both their bags, one on each shoulder, eyes staring straight ahead, brows furrowed with irritation as per usual. She kept her hands clasped behind her back, wandering slowly next to him, head hung.

She was scared, admittedly. This school was huge and so prestigious. How could she ever compare to the others there? It was impossible.

“Stop being such a baby.”

“Katsuki-”

“You’re gonna be fine, and you know it. You’re more powerful than those losers anyway, if only you tried,” he grunted, turning the corner to see dozens of other students in their uniforms walking around and entering the school. She bit her lip and sighed, wringing her fingers out of nervousness. “Seriously, don’t make yourself out to be a weakling. People will target you if you do.”

She paused, not taking another step as she confessed, “I know what I should do, it’s just putting that ideal into practice that gets me everytime.”

Time was running close to class starting, and he rolled his eyes down to her slightly quivering form. Handing her her bag, he told her calmly, “Listen, if anyone bothers you, I’m two doors down anyway. Just call me right after class if something happens, got it?” With a nod, he patted her on the head and walked away to the main entrance.

Her eyes drew up the high building, taking in all the shiny windows and the huge shape of an H made out of the numerous floors. This place was bigger than she had ever imagined, and that only scared her more. Yeah, it was bigger because it housed a lot of students who needed room to exercise their quirks, plus they were a very wealthy institution.

She had to tell herself that just because the building was scary certainly did not mean that the people inside were just as bad.

So she held her head a bit higher and walked through the crowds of students. She tried to remember where the counselor told her her classroom was, so she didn’t embarrass herself by getting lost on her first day.

Yet, that was exactly what she did. The school was just too big, and she was too anxious about her first day to think properly. So, with tears gathering in her eyes, she watched at the time ticked by on the clock. Her nightmares were filled with this scenario. Showing up late on her first day and everyone in the class laughing at her.

“Are you lost?” a voice deep and smooth spoke up behind her, and she jumped a couple inches in the air, placing a hand over her heart after it started to rapidly beat with shock.

She turned her head, brushing her loose hairs from her eyes. He stared down at her with an almost bored expression, just as his voice had sounded. He was tall, and very purple. Dark undereyes, wild violet hair in every direction. She didn’t really know what to think of him other than he was unique, dare she even say attractive in a strange way. He looked older than her, probably 16 or 17 even, based off his height and old soul aura he radiated. One thing she did notice about him though, was he felt gentle, passive and even a bit dismissive. It wasn’t the least bit intimidating, and she relaxed.

“Yeah…” she mumbled, a bit embarrassed.

He nodded, crossing his arms over his chest. “Seems we’re in the same boat.”

“Where are you headed?”

“Class 1-C,” he hummed, beginning to walk forward again. She told him meekly that she was going to the same class, and he raised a brow. “Really? What’s your quirk?”

“My quirk is kinda lame.”

A small smile crept at the edge of his lip, her embarrassment and shy attitude amusing him. “And what would that be?”

“Well, it’s kinda weird so don’t make fun of it. I can um- well, my blood is highly basic and burns any skin issue it touches,” the girl mumbled sheepishly, rubbing the back of her neck. Her cheeks burned so much she felt like she had a fever. This is why she never liked to talk about her quirk. It was just plain absurd and kinda disgusting. Every time she used her quirk she had to slice her skin and sprinkle blood everywhere. “But, like, it does so much damage to me to lose blood that often I can rarely use my quirk.”

He nodded. “That’s definitely strange, you’re right,” he stated bluntly, and her heart stopped beating for a moment. “But useful. Really don’t know why you’d be embarrassed about it. Just because you don’t have endurance doesn’t mean strategy and technique can’t make up for that.”

Y/N caught up to him, walking at his side now although his strides were longer and harder to keep up with. She looked up to him, feeling a bit at ease seeing as he wasn’t rude about her quirk. “What’s your quirk?”

He didn’t miss a beat, his gruff voice sounding bitter and angry with his next words, “Something I’d rather not talk about. Don’t want you to spread rumors and lies about me.”

She had never heard someone so visceral about their own quirk. It couldn’t be that terrible, not to mention she wasn’t rude like the people he must have encountered before. She felt a pang in her chest, knowing that this reaction was no doubt from prior experience being hurt.

With a short shake of her head, she replied, “It’s okay, if you don’t tell me, but I wouldn’t judge you for your quirk, and definitely not gossip about it. I don’t have the social skills to do that kind of thing.” She laughed awkwardly. The bell rang overhead, signalling the beginning of the first period. They were officially late. “Oh, crap. We better hurry.”

“For what? We’re already late, doesn’t matter if it’s by a minute or ten.”

“I-I don’t know about that one.”

As they entered the stairwell to head up the stairs, he turned to her and paused, staring into her eyes deeply. She blinked, seeing so much purple looking in her direction. Quickly, she averted her gaze, and tucked her hands behind her back out of nervous habit.

“I’ll tell you about my quirk if you promise me one thing.”

She opened her mouth to agree but then shook her head. Don’t just make promises to strangers, Y/N, so stupid. “Um, depends on the promise.”

He took a deep breath, never taking his eyes off of her own averted ones. Waves of pain radiated from his form, hitting her square in the chest. “Just don’t call me a monster or shit like that.” And that was the moment she felt her entire heart crumble in her chest for this boy she had just met. He expected her to think of him like a monster for something as silly as his quirk? She wanted to cry for him, being as sensitive as she was.

“I promise.”

He started walking up the stairs again, done with his intense observation of her face, except it felt to her like he was examining a portion of her soul, her compassion. It seems he saw something he liked in her.

“My quirk is brainwashing, or mind control, if you want to call it that.”

Her eyes widened at the words, not believing that someone so powerful was right beside her, in the same class as her even. “Like, what do you do?’

“If a person verbally responds to me, I then have complete control over anything they do.”

“That is so sick,” she whispered under her breath, but he still heard her. His brows quirked up, and he gazed down at her.”Sorry, I just think that’s a really amazing quirk.” She smiled sheepishly, her eyes reaching his. He almost had to look away once he saw the sparkle of excitement and admiration in her gaze. Those emotions were directed towards him…

As they walked past a classroom, a loud voice called from inside the room. “Bakugo Y/N and Shinsou Hitoshi. I believe you’re late to my class.”

She rushed into the classroom in front of him and he followed. They conveniently were directed to the back of the classroom, two seats directly next to each other. She took a seat in hers and he slumped down in his, rolling his eyes at the glare the teacher had given him.

He looked over at the girl beside him, who he now knew as Bakugo Y/N. She peeked over at him, and a small smile grew on her soft lips, the bit of sparkle still present in her gaze towards him. He smothered down the urge to smile back, just lifted the corner of his lip in return.

Shinsou wasn’t exactly interested in making friends. He didn’t need them. This girl, though, he wouldn’t mind if she stuck around.

______________________________________

“So, uh, Y/N, do you need someone to walk you home?” Shinsou asked as they shuffled out of the nearly empty classroom save for a few stragglers. “Not that you aren’t capable of walking yourself home, it’s just that-”

“It’s fine. And actually someone already walks home with me, so no.”

He cringed, feeling awkward now. He shouldn’t have been so forward with this impending friendship. They had just met, she probably didn’t want some weirdo knowing where she lived either. “Oh, gotcha.”

“In fact, there he is,” she smiled, waving to a particularly angry blond walking down the hall with his hands shoved deep in the pockets of his sagging pants. Shinsou cringed even harder at this point, not expecting her to already have a guy walking her home. She probably didn’t have much room for another good guy friend in her life, he thought, obviously overthinking things. “Katsuki! How was class?”

He frowned, shaking his head. “Deku made a fool of himself as usual, but it wasn’t awful,” the boy replied as his eyes slid from his sister to the daunting guy beside her. “Who’s this?”

“This is my new friend, Shinsou. He helped me find the classroom this morning since we’re in the same class.” Katsuki blinked in surprise, definitely not expecting his shy little sister to already have made a friend. It took her years of middle school just to have a few close acquaintances.

“I gotta get going. My mom is expecting me home soon,” Shinsou told the girl, even if he was lying. He could go home at any time he wanted, he just didn’t want to feel awkward anymore. This guy was obviously close to her, and was giving him the evil eye for a minute now. Possessive much?

“Wait, before you go, let me introduce you to my brother.”

“Brother?’ he asked aloud. They didn’t look alike, like, at all. Nor did their personalities seem to resemble each other in any way.

“This is my brother Katsuki. He’s a class 1-A hot shot.” A pang of relief turned his stomach.

“Yeah, uh, nice to meet you.”

The blond rolled his eyes, gruffly brushing off the purple haired boy’s greeting.“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Y/N, are you ready to go?”

Y/N sighed, waving softly to Shinsou, a smile ever present on her lips when she looked at him. She mouthed as she walked away, ‘sorry’, and he just waved.

Maybe he was a creep for watching her as she left, waiting for her to turn a corner before he let out a breath of air. All he knew was that he felt as if he was sucked in a trance. His heart felt heavy in his chest, as if it were about to explode. The feelings were so foreign but pleasant, some of the best he had ever experienced.

It just felt so good to see someone’s warm smile directed at him, not an ounce of malice behind a guise.

Yeah…He really, really liked her.

_____________________________

The pair were friends. Honestly, Y/N was the only person you could get him to admit, albeit begrudgingly, that she was his friend. They trained together, and he assisted her a lot with her quirk. There were times when they were training alone and she lost too much blood that she would pass out and he would carry her to the infirmary. Time and time again though, teachers told him in private to monitor her. It was unhealthy to constantly lose pints of blood, and she wouldn’t be able to do it on the daily even if she wanted to. Since he and her brother were the only people she truly listened to and appreciated advice from, Shinsou recognized it as a sort of duty to take care of her.

Yet, with a bit more encouragement at the new school from dozens of teachers and other students, she actually improved on her quirk quite a lot. It wasn’t as if she had a useless quirk; it was very powerful in fact. She could burn directly through someone’s skin and the bone if enough blood was spilled. Therefore, the quirk could only be exercised in moderation.

For the first time in his life, someone actually trusted him. Not once did he consider using his quirk on her. Not only was she perfect on her own, but if he betrayed her trust like that, he might lose his closest friend. She was kind, but he wasn’t sure where her limits lied.

“Are you sure you’re okay walking home alone?” he asked his friend, who sat beside him packing up her books. Katsuki was out for the day with the flu, so she would be walking back home alone. He was kinda worried about her. She never walked by herself, always having the protection of her brother.

But she was a strong girl. There was nothing to worry about. He had seen her fight and she was definitely capable. It was just overthinking that sent his anxiety through the roof.

“Yes, I’m totally fine,” she laughed, finding his concern humorous. “You live in the opposite direction. I’m not gonna make you walk me 20 blocks out of your way.”

Although he nodded in understanding, he definitely did not agree. He would walk all over the city for her if she needed him to. Still, when it came time to part ways on the sidewalk, they waved and went in opposite directions. It was only after five excruciatingly long minutes that the lanky boy turned and started walking in the direction of her home. Even though he shouldn’t have, and easily could have texted her, he wanted to make sure she made it home. He knew the general direction of her house, and if he walked moderately fast, he could catch up to her.

So what if she didn’t want him walking an extra 30 minutes? If that made her annoyed, so be it.

Y/N walked slowly down the street as she usually did, her feet tapping lightly against the sidewalk. If she were being honest, she was a bit disappointed in herself for refusing Shinsou’s offer to walk her home. They would have a lot more time to talk in person before the weekend, and she never wanted to miss a beat with him.

Maybe it was stupid of her to be so attached but she thought of him as her best friend, practically the only true one she ever had. Dozens of people came and went from her life, but this friendship felt so special. It would last a long time she thought, and hopefully she was right.

Unfortunately, she was too lost in her own dreamy thoughts to notice someone standing right at the edge of the alley she walked by in a particularly deserted area of town. A hand reached and snatched up her arm swiftly, yanking her into the darkness of the alley and covering her mouth with his other grimey hand before she could make a sound.

Her back hit the cold wall behind her, feeling the rough bricks scratch her shoulder blades through her uniform. Her wrist felt like it was on fire, burning from the harsh grip of the snatcher. Using his knee, he pinned her other hand to the wall at her side, completely immobilizing her. She could have used her quirk, if she was able to produce some sort of blood-pouring injury, only she was trapped.

“Don’t fucking scream, you hear me?”

He removed his hand from her mouth for a moment to reach for his pocket, and as he did so, she let out the loudest scream she possibly could. Just as the sound came from her mouth, a cold object pressed against her throat and her heart stopped beating in her chest from sheer terror.

To think she was a hero in training at U.A., and she couldn’t even defend herself from a quirkless criminal on the street. She felt like crying, feeling a knife against her throat, wrists held down. If only she was just a little smarter or a little stronger; anything to get her out his mess. The air was tense and heavy, and she could barely get a breath in without feeling the bitterness of the blade against her skin.

She prayed, closing her eyes and letting the hot tears drip down her cheeks. If only someone would come and help. All Might was always there to help people, wasn’t he? Where was he? She couldn’t hope for her brother to back her up as he was sick at home, and she definitely couldn’t text Shinsou to come get her. Her phone was tucked safely in her backpack where she couldn’t dream of reaching.

God, she was hopeless.

The thug opened his mouth to say something else no doubt cruel or vulgar, but just as the first syllable fell from his chapped lips, a shocked voice echoed down the alleyway.

“Y/N?”

Her eyes widened at the voice, relief running throughout her entire body.

“Dumb punk, kid, just run off now.”

“No.”

“You don’t want to mess with-”

That reply was all it took for Shinsou to take control. The thug felt all control of his body lost in the air and a sort of tenseness to take over. “Drop the knife,” the student commanded, and the man indeed dropped the rusty knife to the ground, a metallic clang rang out in the darkness. “Now back away.” And so he did.

Tha man sputtered, not knowing what was happening to his body or why he was doing these things. His face turned a bright shade of red and he threw a dirty glare at Shinsou Hitoshi, hating him with every sense of the word for making him look this pathetic.

“Now stand still right there like the piece of shit you are. Move, and I will kill you,” he said calmly. Before turning to Y/N. “I’ll be right back with someone to help. I saw an officer go into the coffee shop across the street.”

When he left, she inched away from the man, watching as he couldn’t do more than just stand there and look completely bewildered. A mind control quirk definitely wasn’t something you see everyday. Plus, he probably was facing the realization that he would be arrested and sent to jail to get his ass kicked by quirk users there.

He came back with a couple officers and pointed out the situation, explaining what he saw when he came to the alley. They asked Y/N for a quick statement and she just reaffirmed what Shinsou had told them and added how she was walking home alone and he grabbed her when no one was looking. And so they took him away, thanking the kids for helping catch the guy, who apparently had tried to assault and rob other women in the area recently.

That was a close call, the closest one she’d ever encountered actually.

As they exited the alleyway, she felt sick to her stomach from what had happened, stress filling up her chest and threatening to burst out in the form of tears, only she composed herself the best she could to be strong. There really was no need to be strong. Shinsou was her friend. He was kind and brave and very intelligent, but most importantly he was kind to her. If she cried, he wouldn’t shame her. But she still felt the pressure to keep them from falling. “Shinsou-”

“I’m so glad I turned around to follow you. I swear, it’s almost like I knew something bad was going to happen, I just knew it,” he mumbled more to himself than her, really. He looked down at her finally, his eyes searching hers for any sign of distress. She looked terribly shaken up, but no tears were falling. “Are you okay? Did that guy hurt you or anything?”

“No, nothing else happened,” she told him. “I-I can’t believe you came to save me. I’m so grateful, I don’t even know what to say. I felt so helpless back there without my quirk at disposal.”

“It’s okay. It’s over now, and you’re alright. That’s all I could really hope for.” He looked down the street and then back to her, flashing a weak grin. “You wouldn’t mind if I walked you home from here, would you?” he asked, to which she silently shook her head. So, he began walking and she followed very closely behind, so close that he could feel her arm brushing against his. He figured she was scared enough, a little bit of friendly comfort was going to help her out. She obviously didn’t want to speak, too shocked to say anything much.

After a minute or two of walking, he felt her hand slip its way sneakily into his own, tightly grabbing on as if he was going to yank it away from her. Although he could feel how shaky her hand was, it was so warm and soft against his cold and rough hands. Her fingers fit perfectly between his own. It was sappy of him to think, but jeez, it felt like those hands were meant to interlock. It just felt so fucking good.

He shoved down those selfish feelings. Y/N was just attacked, and he was thinking about how he felt. He shook his head subconsciously, knowing that he was being rude. She was holding his hand because she desperately needed to feel safe and comfortable, not because it necessarily felt nice. She would probably hold the hand of any random dude that saved her like that. Jesus, Shinsou, so dumb. Get a damn grip, you sap.

He squeezed her hand back reassuringly. He wasn’t sure what she was feeling, but he hoped he was helping.

Her house was relatively close to the spot she was grabbed, so it was a short walk. Part of him wished it had been longer so he could have spent more time with her hand held in his. As they stopped at her doorstep, she dropped his hand and went to grab the strap of her bookbag anxiously, eyes hidden from his view.

“Shinsou, thank you for stepping in back there. I really can’t tell you enough how much I appreciate that.”

With a wave of his hand absentmindedly, he brushed off her praise and thanks. “Don’t thank me. Anyone would have done the same, you know.” he didn’t feel like he deserves any thanks. He barely did shit back there except say a few words, and she was thanking him. Anyone would have done the same. He wasn’t special. He wouldn’t be special with the quirk he possessed.

But god, the way she looked at him in that way, adoration and admiration staring into his eyes, completely entranced with him; it made him feel invincible, like he was on top of the world for a lifetime. He would never forget the shine in her beautiful e/c eyes in that moment, he swore it. That was a memory he’d hate to lose.

“I-I know- It’s just that…well…” Her words trailed off into silence before he felt her reach up abruptly to wrap her arms around his shoulders, falling to rest against him. He caught his balance last second, not expecting that of all things. Her head rested snuggly in the meet of his shoulder and neck, hot breath tickling his skin there. He tensed at the sudden embrace, but nevertheless wrapped his arms around her shoulders, bringing her closer. He could feel her shaking once again, and her rapid heartbeat pounded against his quickening one.

“Hitoshi,” she whispered, “You are my hero.”

Shivers ran down his spine at those simple five words, laced together by the most angelic voice he’d heard before.

That took his breath right from his lungs. He was her hero. A real hero. That was all he wanted in his life, to show people that he could be someone’s savior. The feeling of the one person he cared for more than anything saying those words to him. The feeling was unbelievable.

She pulled away after a silent moment, and waved to him gently, taking a step up to the entrance of her house. “I’ll see you on Monday, okay?” she said sheepishly, feeling something weird herself after that hug. Her skin felt all warm and gooey, like she was going to fall apart at any moment or her knees would collapse beneath her.

“Y/N, if you need anything, you know you can call me night or day, I don’t care,” he called after her. “I swear, anything for you, Y/N.”

“Thank you, Shinsou-kun.”

“Bye, Y/N.”

“Bye.”

“You’ll call me sometime, right? So I can make sure you’re feeling better?”

“If you want.”

“Of course.”

“Okay. I promise I’ll call.”

“Yeah, well, bye then.”

“Yeah, bye-bye.”

She shut the door finally, catching the eye of her brother immediately.

Katsuki stood in the living room of their home, sipping some soup with a spoon, blanket wrapped around his shoulders. He raised a brow when she peered over at him, obviously having seen what happened outside through the front window. “What was that about, Y/N? Care to explain why that boy was all over you?”

“Shut up, Katsuki.”

He grunted, rolling his eyes at her reply. “Hey, I’m just worried for you. You can’t trust teenage boys. Take it from me since I am one. ”His voice was quite hoarse from the sore throat he had that morning, and he sounded like a frog whenever he spoke. How could she possibly take him seriously?

“He’s just my friend. You really don’t have to lecture me on anything,” she replied, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Sure, sure.”

She waved off how annoying he was, and walked down the hall to her room. When she shut the door behind her, she finally felt herself heat up with embarrassment. Shinsou Hitoshi held her hand the whole way home. He saved her like the glorious hero he always wanted to be. The feeling of relief she felt when she heard him enter the alleyway and call for her, it made her heart melt. She would definitely take up his offer and call him over the weekend, just to hear his soothing voice in her ear. Just hearing him, or even thinking about him made a smile grow on her cheeks.

She wasn’t sure what she felt for him. If it was simply a friendship or if her attachments were growing into something more.

Y/N just really, really liked him.

_____________

Part two coming later this week. Should it be angst or fluff? I’m torn

#bnha shinsou #shinsou hitoshi #shinsou hitoshi x reader #shinsou x reader #bnha #boku no hero academia #boku no hero #my hero academia #mha #mha x reader #bnha x reader #bnha oneshot #bnha imagines #mha imagine #mha oneshot #shinsou oneshot #shinsou hitoshi x you #reader insert #x reader

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ateezmakemeweep · 4 years

Photo

you’re the one that i want (part 17)

word count: 6k

angst

(part 16) (series masterlist)

tag list: @chogiout ; @psshwa ; @yeocult ; @seongghwaa ; @cherryeonii ; @chaoticbanqtan ; @8teenee ; @nczenniez ; @atinyarmyx1 ; @mingtopiaa ; @chubsluda ; @joongiebug ; @mochibabycakes ; @jisungity ; @skz-on-my-mind ; @nlost21 ; @myonlyaurora ; @closer-stars ; @kuaenam3g ; @byungaji ; @floweryjh ; @joeycheungg ; @lostscenarios ; @atinyxtopia ; @sanisms ; @kpopnightingale ; @simpforhyunjin ; @89staytinyzen21 ; @lokicaramel ; @ttalgimin ; @sakura-uji ; @songsoomin ; @toffee-hwa ; @deobitiful ; @hyunjeansuniverse ; @clown-teez ; @i-know-you-know-lee-know ; @tiny-whatsername ; @fairieofeternity ; @yixing-jaehyun ; @sleepyseonghwa ; @revehosh ;

time went on but the pain never went away. it dulled, for sure, with san incessantly telling you that you deserved better and the piles of work that were being assigned to you.

but you were also doing everything in your absolute power to ignore seonghwa.

you never lingered before or after homeroom and made sure to never even look in his direction. you drowned out the sound of his voice in class or entire presence when you passed him the hallway. you and san even started to break the school rules and went out for lunch so neither of you had to be reminded of that table.

the one time seonghwa dared come to the cafe, san forced you into the back room and gave his ex friend a piece of his mind. you thought for sure you were gonna have to run out and separate the boys but seonghwa just looked completely...empty and defeated.

it seemed as if he took san’s words to heart, the blonde speaking them so lowly and harshly you still don’t exactly know what he said to this day. you just know that when you and seonghwa’s eyes met through the small glass window, he looked as sad and broken as you felt inside - but for very different reasons.

he was upset with himself while you were upset with the both of you. at him for acting the way he did and denying you once again but also at yourself for letting it go on for so long. you should’ve been stronger and made it known he was hurting you from day one, not just avoid him for the sake of saving yourself more pain and suffering.

you’ve switched between feeling sad, angry and vengeful so much during these weeks that you don’t even know how you feel anymore; you just know you’re hurting and know it’s because of him.

“okay but you can’t not go because of him,” san whines. you were both sitting at the cafe during your wednesday night shift, the shitty, rainy weather outside keeping you free of any customers.

“san,” you whine back, looking at your friend in annoyance; he’d been harassing you for days to go to his friend’s party on friday, a group of boys from another school he’s been friends with since 5th grade.

“look, i was honest and told you he’d probably be there to warn you,” he tells you honestly, taking a sip of his hot chocolate. “but if you’re gonna make me go through it by myself, that’ll be really mean.”

you roll your eyes at the pout on his lips, feeling yourself frown when he adds, “because you know, i’m avoiding one of them too.”

you both know it’s a low blow and san has to resist the urge to smirk knowing he did just play a little dirty. but it doesn’t lessen his actual anxiety over it, knowing he’s gonna be around alcohol in a party atmosphere where stupid decisions are almost always made.

“that’s not fair,” you say with a pout, kicking against the counter with a groan.

“c’monnn, love, i’m gonna need you there.”

you let out a sigh, looking at the boy with a pained expression; it would be the perfect time for you to get out and party though, you think, given the fact that your parents told you just this morning they’d be going away for the weekend.

things at home had been surprisingly...civil, only a few fights and slaps here and there that do little to break your spirit. because it’s already pretty crumbled, eating quickly with them before rushing into your room to do homework.

you never thought you’d say it but schoolwork and projects and essays were actually saving you these days, distracting your mind from just how badly your heart was hurting.

and what better way to further distract yourself than by getting drunk for the first time?

“for the first time?” san yelps when you tell him you’ve never drank before.

“kind of, yeah,” you tell him with an amused smile, the utter shock on his face all too endearing. “i...got tipsy over the summer,” you say quickly, grazing over the memory before you tell san you’d only had one drink.

“oh, that won’t do,” san says with a shake of the head.

you watch with a raised eyebrow and a cup of tea to your lips as the blonde prances over to the cabinets, looking inside before smirking at the extra box of jello he knew was laying around back here.

“we’ll start you off with jello shots and then move you up to the real stuff. get ready for friday, biiiitch.”

you let out a snort and warm tea spews from your mouth, dripping down to your chin and onto the floor as you let out a choking fit of laughter. san yells that he just mopped the floor and insists that you’re doing it this time, your eyes only rolling at him.

“i’m about to choke and die and you’re worried about the floor.”

“you can’t choke and die, we have to go to this party first.”

the jello shots had gone down easily, your personal favorites being the strawberry and raspberry. but now, the straight vodka sitting in one of san’s many shot glasses is proving to be a challenge.

“i think i’m drunk so i don’t need to do-”

“cheers!” san yelps, taking your glass from the table and forcing it into your hand. you let out a sigh as you watch the boy down his 4th one with ease, looking at him with concerned laced in your eyes.

“san, if you’re gonna puke tonight, i’m gonna be really-”

“i’m not gonna puke,” he whines, “we ate so much before this and i’ll drink water. but you have to start little lady. we only have an hour!”

“okay i will but i’m just warning you that i’m gonna hate every moment of this and-”

he rolls his eyes before pushing the shot glass toward you, snorting when you take down the vodka with a sneer and gag. but by the third, the burn gets almost manageable and you and san mentally prepare one another for what’s about to come.

you tell him to not take wooyoung’s shit, that if the boy even dares to signal for him to go outside so they could be alone, he points his middle finger at him and goes off to dance and have fun.

he tells you that if seonghwa tries to corner you and suck another hickie onto your neck, (the blonde had been so irritated at that, the possessiveness and boldness in the action making his blood boil) you knee him between the legs and kiss the closest person next to you. even if it’s him.

you laugh at that very unlikely circumstance as you stumble out of his house and into the uber, both of you determined not to let those two handsome but horribly cruel boys get to you.

you try to keep the slurring of your words quiet so the driver isn’t alarmed by the drunk underaged kids in his car, whispering back and forth about what songs you’re gonna sneak onto the aux.

you thank the man as he pulls up to the house, big and beautiful with a wrap around porch and a few kids littered outside. and then even in a drunken daze, you feel your stomach knot with nervousness. the unfamiliar crowd, the loud booming music coming from the house, the thought of seeing seonghwa in this state, now all too daunting.

but san notices your discomfort immediately and grabs your hand, saying hi to a few people in passing as he leads you into the house. he tells you to stay close and to not let go of him, your eyes widening at the amount of people in this house; what kind of high school party is like this?

“oi felix!”

a boy with blonde wavy hair turns around and smiles at san, walking over and fist bumping him; you bit your lip to hide your smile, secretly wondering who’s hands were smaller (it’s me, the author, i am wondering). felix notices you standing beside san, your intertwined hands catching his eye before his face lights up.

“who is this? is she your-”

“friend,” san clarifies, pulling you into him affectionately. “but she is very much single if anyone is interested.”

“san,” you whine as you disconnect your hands and hit his arm, felix laughing quietly before he holds out his. you take his hand with a small smile, mumbling your name before three boys barrel right into him.

“san!” they all scream in unison, excited cheers as they run toward the boy and grab him in a hug. you giggle as you wait off to the side in fear of getting trampled, felix looking at you apologetically.

“sorry,” he says, his voice so deep and full it makes your eyes widen. and maybe it’s because you have alcohol coursing through you that you show your surprise, looking around like you’re scared someone’s gonna watch you before leaning in.

“your voice...is very deep.”

a loud chuckle leaves his mouth as he nods his head, talking more and leaving you in amazement.

you don’t even hear san and the other boys conversing behind you, you and felix talking about the blonde-haired boy. you tell him that you work at his parents cafe and also see him in school every day, giggling sweetly when felix’s face turns into a grimace as he commends your ability to deal with the loud, whiney boy five days a week.

the very same boy who, little to your knowledge, is trying to set you up. but it’s not his fault, he rationalizes in his head, the idea just fell into his lap really.

“hey, who’d you come with?” hyunjin asks san, the two blondes turning when they hear your giggle pierce the air.

the taller boy can’t help but smile softly at the sound, thinking it’s the cutest thing he’s heard since he got here; he wasn’t even gonna come tonight, always put off by the gross group of people and loud, terrible music.

“that’s y/n, my new friend,” san says, smiling when he sees hyunjin’s intrigued gaze.

he’s known the boy for years, one of his first friends from middle school who proved time and time again how sweet he was. everyone had always been intimidated by his good looks and tall figure but he was just as a soft-spoken as he was kind; he’d be the perfect distraction for you tonight.

it’s why he drags hyunjin over to you, planting the boy in front of you and your head snaps away from felix. “i was just telling him how you always-” a pair of dark, unfamiliar eyes looking at you cause the words to stop, your breath catching in your throat at the man in your presence.

his blonde hair hangs in his face, a black headband over his forehead just a few inches above the prettiest pair of light brown eyes. he’s taller than san and felix and it only adds on to how much your sad little heart flutters, your usual sober nervousness replaced with a drunken fascination.

“oh. hi.”

and then when his lips quirk up into a smile, your heart nearly threatens to pound out of your chest.

“hey. i’m hyunjin.”

you sat with the boy for most of the night, your legs grazing as you stayed on the couch and gave him playful slaps to the arm when you drunkenly giggled into him. you quickly discovered he was just as funny as he was kind and handsome and if you didn’t know any better, you’d think you had a little bit of a crush on him.

that the happy, fluttering feeling in your chest was something you hadn’t felt in a while, your shy smiles back and forth only making you more giggly. or it could also be the sips you took from san’s spiked seltzer that might have something to do with it.

because one second you and hyunjin were debating whether goldendoodles or chihuahuas made better pets and then the next, you were both charging over to san for the final decision. but he yelped excitedly, having not seen you both all night because you were so lost in each other, and threw his arms around you.

“don’t look now, love, but asshole one and two just got here.”

you pull back and look at san with wide eyes, the blonde only nodding his head with a calming look in his eye. he had thought you guys had gotten lucky and the four boys weren’t gonna show up but leave it them to waltz in a few minutes before midnight, their eyes searching the crowd before a brown pair of narrowed eyes caught his attention.

san avoided the boy’s gaze to look at seonghwa, watching his eyes roam over the crowd before landing on you. his handsome face immediately drops, his jaw tightening and eyes narrowing as he watched you and hyunjin laugh together.

the tall blonde’s hand was resting on your hip, this thumb running over the exposed skin between your jeans and shirt as you two laugh with hyunjin’s friends.

to seonghwa, it looked as if he was trying to make a move on you. that he was slowly enticing you until his hand traveled lower and lower and just the thought of it causes anger to rip through him. like an anger he’s never felt before.

because he would do that to comfort you.

to calm your nerves and ground you if you were feeling upset and anxious, like you typically did around crowds or unfamiliar groups of people. but you looked awfully cozy next to the boy in the loud, chaotic environment, smiling up at the boy so prettily it makes him growl lowly in his chest.

“what the fuck was that?” mingi asked the boy, his eyes following seonghwa’s dark gaze before his face morphed into one of surprise.

“ohhh shit.”

“shit,” you said under your breath, hyunjin hearing the frustration in your voice and looking down at you curiously.

but you and san don’t look away from one another, trying so hard to remember what you said earlier. that you’re gonna ignore them and pretend they’re not even here, that you both deserve better and should move on to bigger and better things.

that if, given the opportunity, maybe it wouldn’t be a terrible idea to distract yourself with other people. and what better way than in the arms of a long haired blonde boy with the prettiest face you’ve ever seen?

“what’s wrong?” you hear his voice mumble in your ear, turning around and sucking in a breath when you realize you’re a lot closer than you thought. his eyes look over you with a soft concern, watching your drunken hazy eyes look back at him.

“no-nothing, someone’s just here who i...don’t wanna see,” you settle on saying, not needing hyunjin to know all of your baggage and nonsense drama.

he looks at the new group of boys who just entered, recognizing them immediately and waving; he’s mostly friendly with yeosang but has seen the other three before, the dirty blonde boy eyeing him with such distaste he can only assume that’s who you’re having a problem with.

but if you don’t wanna see him, then he’s gonna make sure you don’t.

so he smiles down at you, his finger tapping you on the nose playfully and smiling when you giggle quietly. he’s happy to see a smile back on your face, the lingering anxiousness in your eyes making his stomach sink.

“then i can promise he won’t be anywhere near you.”

the words send warmth through your body, your heart fluttering and cheeks turning pink as you bite your lip to hide your smile, hyunjin’s hand reaching down to interlace your fingers. you don’t miss the way the blonde’s face warms a little bit too in the dark room, turning your body and resting your head on his shoulder lazily as you talk with san and the rest of the boys.

you miss the way yeosang and mingi hold seonghwa back from charging over there, the shorter boy looking at his friend in confusion. “what the fuck do you think you’re doing?” he snaps, pulling the boy back by his shirt. “we just got here. you’re not about to start shit.”

“i’m not gonna start anything, i just have to-”

“stop,” wooyoung says firmly, knowing all too well the feeling seonghwa is experiencing right now; but he also knows nothing will come of acting on it. of charging over there and tearing you away from the blonde, of growling out that you’re his and shouldn’t be with other people.

the dirty blonde snaps his head to wooyoung and resists the urge to punch him in the mouth, letting out an annoyed huff before shrugging himself away from yeosang and walking toward the kitchen to grab a drink. a drink that he holds on to for the next thirty minutes of the party, keeping the same cold bottle in his hand so people don’t ask why he’s not drinking.

he hates this shit.

drinking and partying and mingling, passing a poorly rolled joint around like all of this is gonna make him wanna be here when really, it’s the last thing he wants. he can’t believe he’s been sitting here as long as he has, leg bouncing as he watches you smile up and chat with hyunjin as a blush spreads on your cheeks.

there’s a hot burning feeling of anger and rage and possessiveness growing in his chest, something you brought out in him within the first few weeks of meeting. and he knows he deserves to feel this way, that he hurt you and made you feel bad and basically pushed you into another man’s arms.

but that doesn’t mean he’s not mad. and that doesn’t mean he won’t stop it because how could he watch that? how could he sit here and watch you with someone else when he wants you to be with h-

“hyunjin,” you giggle drunkenly, feeling his breath tickle the skin of your neck.

you both had been watching san and his friends banter back and forth, the boys loud and talkative and crazy as they relive their middle school memories. about the pranks they pulled on teachers and how much trouble they always got into.

about how san and changbin had gone from absolutely hating each other to becoming the closest in the group; san thought changbin was mean and scary and changbin thought san was annoying and soft - and perhaps you could see what both of them were saying.

because changbin did have a darker look in his eye, easily getting annoyed and shoving his friends around but also blocking their falls when they were about to smack into the wall. it’s nice to see san hanging out with a group of rowdy boys since these past months, he’s only been with you - a emotional, baggage-filled teenage girl.

“what?” he whines lowly, squeezing at your hips again and causing your heart to stutter in your chest.

it feels nice to have someone touch you again, touch you in a way that warms your body and makes you feel liked and desired. you’d gotten so used to it with....him and it’s almost like for the time being, your fragile heart is temporarily healing.

you know the feeling is different and you know you don’t like it as much but at least hyunjin is sweet.

because you also you know tomorrow, or maybe even in a few hours, you’ll go back to normal. sad that you have to ignore the boy you love and mad that he’s making you do it in the first place. confused and irritated at just how much your head was in the clouds this summer.

but for tonight, you don’t care about any of that. you only care about that way this other boy is making you feel, someone who was a stranger when the night started but made you so comfortable so fast. made you happy and giggly and acted as the perfect distraction from the eyes that have been piercing into you all night.

you made sure not to to look anywhere but the corner you and the boys were in, turning in hyunjin’s hold and reaching up to play with his long blonde hair.

“you...shouldn’t ever cut this,” you hiccup, a cute smile crossing the boy’s face at the sound of it.

“you like it?” he mumbles, biting down on his lip at the way your nails graze his scalp.

he’d been on his best behavior all night, shy smiles and innocent touches as he got to know you and saw you come out of your shell bit by bit; it probably helped that he was just as nervous and uncomfortable as you.

but now, with a few drinks in him and the way you’re looking at him, he feels himself losing it. losing the resolve to be good and just wanting feel your lips against his for a second; nothing more, nothing less.

“i like everything about you,” you say teasingly, your hand moving down to twist his necklace around your finger. the metal pulling at his neck causes his adams apple to bob, his eyes falling to your mouth at the exact moment you slip your tongue out to wet your dry lips.

the music is blaring and you think a group of kids are fighting but you can only hear the ringing in your ears and the pounding of your heart, cocking your head to the side when the eyes that have been so soft and sweet turn dark and hungry.

“everything about me?”

and with the way his voice drops and a pretty smirk crosses his mouth, like he knows exactly what’s he’s doing, you twist the chain between your fingers and pull him closer to you.

his large hand moves to your face, the sound of your breathy exhale causing desire to hit him. every reaction you have is so cute and innocent despite the boldness behind them, your lingering eyes and lips pulled into a smirk making him wanna do this all night.

have your hair tangled in his hand, pulling you closer until your lips finally meet and part on one another. your tongues colliding and moans being swallowed as he presses you against the wall. hearing you sigh out his name and make sure you want to see him and kiss him.

but he doesn’t get the chance.

because just before your lips can meet, he's harshly grabbed by the back of his shirt and shoved across the room. your eyes pop open when you nearly fall forward if not for the hard chest you bump into as seonghwa towers over you; his eyes hot and blazing and face so tense it makes your stomach swoop in nervousness.

"y/n," he growls and you immediately feel your heart start to pound, narrowing your eyes at him.

"what do you want, seonghwa?"

"what the fuck," you hear hyunjin shout, watching as the blonde stomps toward him. seonghwa rolls his eyes upon hearing it, turning around and catching the quick fist flying his way. it shocks hyunjin as much as you but the boy doesn’t show his reaction reacts, sneering at him as he asks what the hell is his problem is.

"has nothing to do with you so back off, hyunjin."

"she said she didn't wanna see you," he retorts, ripping his hand from seonghwa's grasp and pushing at him. he hits the back of the wall and you wince at the loud sound, standing in front of hyunjin as you see the dirty blonde make his way over.

"st-stop," you drunkly whine, pressing yourself back into hyunjin and causing seonghwa to growl out your name lowly.

"no. he's right. i didn't wanna see you."

he bites the inside of your cheek when those words leave your mouth, your heart sinking at the way his face every so slightly drops and eyes twinge with hurt.

"just give me five minutes. i need it."

"and i need you to leave me alone. i've given you almost three months, what's so different now?"

you were with someone else, he thinks, you were with someone else and there's nothing he hates more than seeing his girl with a guy who's not him. he's had to watch it all fucking night and it's killing him, making him so god damn angry and jealous he thinks he's about to explode.

but if you guys kissed, he'd be over. he would've gone over and beat the shit out of the long, blonde haired boy watching you two right now with curious eyes.

"y/n," he growls again.

but you only roll your eyes because it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his pride. he saw you with someone else while you haven't looked his way, smiling and giggling and trying to forget him in the arms of someone else.

and it was working, it really was working. your heart feel like something other than the breaking, crumbling mess it's been since the moment you left your aunt's house. since the stupid boy looking at you like you're the one hurting him started this mess in the first place.

"i don't wanna talk to you!" you whine loudly, stomping the few steps toward him and pushing him back with all the force you can muster; but given your size difference and drunken state, he doesn't go far. he only clenches his jaw and wraps his hand around your wrist, dragging you outside despite you telling him to stop manhandling you.

you don't know where san is, thinking those two conspiring assholes made their moves on you at the same time, and you hear hyunjin's friend telling him not to cause problems with them. but you don't wanna be anywhere near him, especially in this vulnerable state.

because you know you're gonna end up crying and you're so fucking sick of crying. so sick of saying the same things to him and then hearing his lousy apologies over and over again. having the memories of your summer play in your mind when he says a certain word or gives you a familiar look.

you're so sick of him and a part of you wishes you never met him. that you just spent your summer quietly inside or at the beach with your aunt so you didn't realize you were capable of being loved by a man like him, even if it was just for a short time and in private.

even if everything might've been a lie. because it's the memories of him that makes this so hard, remembering how the same boy who could look so unbothered about you was the same boy who'd mumble into your skin that he loved you.

the same boy who now dragged you outside, the crisp night air cooling your warm, flushed skin. you cross your arms as you look up at him with your face pinched in anger, tears of frustration already pricking your eyes.

"what is wrong with you!" you yell, your hands balling into fists as you resist the urge to stomp your foot and smack him. his eyes narrow and he steps forward, his large hand taking your face in his hold. his thumb rubs at your hot skin gently, anger coursing through him at himself.

this is his fault. this is all his fault and now you're sad and drunk and ready to cry.

"you're drunk," he states obviously. you roll your eyes at his statement, biting the inside of your cheek so you don't say the vengeful comment that wants to leave you.

but because you are drunk and pissed and not in your right frame of mind, you say it anyway.

"so what," you snap at him. "if you're thinking that's why i was about to make out with hyunjin, then you're absolutely-"

anger flares in his eyes and he tugs you closer to him, tightening his hold on you. everything inside of you is screaming to push him away and yell at him, tell him he doesn't get to do this anymore; that you're not his and you never were.

but you can't find the words in your fuzzy brain, looking up at his dark gaze and feeling a sense of pride in how angry that made him, especially when his words are lowly growled at you.

"you better fuckin' stop, y/n."

"i don't think i will," you say, pressing your body closer to him and moving your finger over his lips. "i think i'll kiss you both and see who does it better." his jaw tightens at the same time his hands on your wrist and hip do, growling another warning "stop it," in your ear.

"why? at least hyunjin was gonna kiss me in front of people.”

your words are powerful and biting but the hurt in them is obvious. hurt that's been building up for months and festering. "he even talked to me all night in front of people. and you just watched from a-far, as usual," you hiccup, "like you didn't even know me."

his eyes soften at your tone and he drops your wrist from his hold, looking down at you carefully in case you're gonna try to flee. but your vengeful look is quickly changing to sadness, seeing him stand in front of you with his gaze softening by the second.

"y/n, baby, i would talk to you but-"

"but nothing," you snap, your eyes shooting to his. "i am so fucking sick of us having this conversation, seonghwa. just admit i wa-wasn't anything to you and we can move on with our lives."

"stop. fucking. saying that," he says, taking your face in his hands and holding it tightly. his warm hands on your skin makes tears prick your head, his chest heaving as he tries to control the emotions ripping through him.

"stop giving me hope," you cry out, "stop making me think you're gonna admit that you love me. that you loved me at all and actually considered giving us a chance."

the more you get worked up, the more you start to hiccup and the tighter he holds you. he hates seeing you like this and it's obvious in the way his stomach is sinking, how he just wants to take you back to his house and mumble apologies against your skin until you give him another chance.

"i do love you."

"w-we knew each other for two months, that's not enough time to love.”

because that’s another thing you started to think. maybe you both were just confused about what you felt, so consumed by teenage lust and fascination that you convinced yourselves it was love; you didn’t think that was the case for you, but maybe for him.

maybe it wasn’t enough time for him to love.

"yes it is," he growls, pushing you back until you hit the brick wall behind you. you swallow nervously at how close he's pressed up against you. he can smell the alcohol on you mixed with the scent of your perfume and he remembers it so vividly.

lingering when you would pass him on the beach, faintly on the case of his pillow after you would sleep in his bed, tickling his nose when you would fall asleep on his shoulder; even when you were sick and smelt like sweat, you had that scent.

"don't fucking tell me it's not enough time when you're the only person i've ever felt like this about," he says lowly, his voice low and deep and so full of certainty, your stupid little heart lifts again. "and i know you feel the same way."

you swallow the lump in your throat and tears are burning your eyes at the way he's so close to you. his hand’s right next to your head and his body is right against yours, finding comfort in the feeling you were so trying so hard to forget.

but because you know seonghwa would never hurt you and welcome his presence despite everything, you don't realize how bad this position looks.

not until an unfamiliar, feminine voice speaks up.

"hey! get the hell away from her!"

"jojo, they might be-"

"she's about to cry, that's definitely fucking not-"

"okay, relax!”

the small girl with long brown hair looks at you with sympathy swarming in your eyes, her friend eyeing seonghwa suspiciously and looking ready to fight him.

"hey, are you okay?"

your lip wobbles at the soft kindness of the girl's voice, the one named jojo looking between you and seonghwa. "ye-yes," you hiccup, shooting the girls a small smile as they narrow their eyes. "i promise, i'm okay. we're just....talking."

"why are you pinning her against the wall?" the girl asks, feisty and eyes blazing; seonghwa can smell the alcohol on her breath but has a feeling she's usually this bold without the liquid courage.

"i'm just talking to her."

“you can’t talk to her without towering over her?”

seonghwa looks at girl with an annoyed look, throwing his hands up innocently before taking a few steps away from you.

the girl looks at you and you nod your head to confirm that it’s okay and you are just talking, eyes shining with gratitude despite the tears in them. the two girls look at you for a few silent moments before nodding their heads.

"we'll be around, if you need help call out."

"thank you but i promise i'm okay," you hiccup, the girl giving the tall boy one last dirty look before walking away.

"you can't just do that shit, jo. you have to be careful."

"oh please, what were his chicken legs really gonna do?"

you wanna laugh at the girls comment but can only feel sadness in your chest, you and seonghwa looking at each other as his hands run through his light hair. your eyes train on the floor and he lets out a long exhale, looking at your dejected, drained figure.

"i was never more honest about my shit than when i was with you this summer, y/n," he finds himself finally saying truthfully.

he was happiest with you, he wished he could be like that all the time and wanted nothing more than that. wished he could believe every day of his life that he was good for you and treat you as such.

you swallow the lump in your throat and the tears are stinging your eyes so badly at the way he's saying this. how his words always sound so true and genuine and make your heart soar.

"but now you're lying," you squeak out shakily, your watery eyes meeting his and making his lips turn into a frown. "you're lying and it's hurting me. i feel like...i feel like i don’t even know what the truth is anymore.”

he swallows the lump in his throat at your words, watching your eyes roam his face before a tear runs down your cheek.

"i wish i never met you," you blurt out honestly, your words breathy and full of sadness. "because you've hurt me so badly and have made me so sad but i still..." you can't say the words that you still love and want him because it's so stupid.

"come here," he says, his voice low and pained but direct as he looks at you. a whimper leaves your mouth as you shake your head at him, trying to back away from him but only pushing yourself further into the wall.

"no," you brokenly whisper, voice small and shaky as you feel all the giddy drunkenness drain from you. now it's like every sad and heartbroken emotion you've felt hits you tenfold, your chest and stomach physically paining you.

"please, baby," he says lowly, his voice making your stomach twist even more.

"we're gonna figure it out but, please baby, for now, i need you with me. i'm here with you. we're both here and we have time left together."

you stay planted against his shirt until your tears stop falling, nodding your head against him and feeling your face flush with embarrassment. you hadn't meant to avoid him all day but you were just so sad when you realized how many days you had left with him. until you were ripped apart and wouldn't see other for god knows how long.

"i know it's hard and i'm not mad at you," he says again when he sees guilt and shame in your eyes. "but i'm here. how many times did i have to say it, pretty girl," he hums lowly, his hand running softly through your hair as his tone is laced with slight amusement.

"you can't call me that," you say, shaking your head as tears continue to blur your vision. "or look at me like that. it's not fair."

his eyebrow quirks up and he takes another step toward you, his heart dropping at the way your face falls even more. you know he's about to reach out and hug you and pull you into his arms and you're gonna crumble. cry into his chest and have him stroke your hair and tell you everything's gonna be okay.

but it's not okay. how he's treated you isn't okay. how he's discrediting everything you guys had isn't okay. and it's not okay that every part of you is gonna be willing to forgive him.

"none of this is fair," you say when he leans closer, voice dripping with anger and sadness as you smack at his chest. "you're hurting me and you could give a shit and i wish i never fucking met you. why did you do this?"

you knock your fists into his chest and he takes every single one as he wraps his arms around you and pulls your body closer.

he shushes your muffled cries against your head, muttering that he's so sorry over and over again. sorry that he knew he wasn't good for you but allowed this to happen anyway and sorry that he can't say he wishes he never met you.

because meeting you was quite easily the best thing that ever happened to him and he thinks it's about time he proves that to you. he holds you until it seems as if every last tear is out of your system, your body slumping into his chest before he hears your breaths even out.

(part 18)

#hyunjin series is in the works #aha just kidding #unless....#seonghwa #seonghwa angst #seonghwa series #ateez #ateez angst #ateez series #seonghwa imagines #ateez imagines #seonghwa scenarios #ateez scenarios

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btsrunmylife · 3 years

Text

“The Library Keepers: Jamais Vu” - Prologue / Teaser

Word Count: 1,524

Genre: Sci-Fi / Fantasy / Action / Adventure / Humor

Rating: Explicit…eventually 🔞

Summary: After two years of being stationed on Space Station Baldur, you’re not really expecting anything exciting to happen anymore. With little by the way of scientific discoveries, you and your team are getting a bit restless. Sent out on “special assignment” with Mission Specialist Kim Namjoon, you really aren’t expecting to find (or even see) much of anything.

What you do find is something beyond what either of you could’ve imagined.

From the dark side of the moon. I know that it's sad, but it's true. I'm tryna get home. I'm a spaceman. 🎵

You groan and smack the off button of the ship’s sound system, sending a glare your colleague's way. To his credit, a sheepish grin tugs at his lips.

“I forgot that was on the playlist,” he admits, scratching at his chin as he adjusts in his seat, tugging at the legs of his spacesuit to get more comfortable. He redirects his attention to the front window and you follow his gaze, taking in the vast expansiveness in front of you. On and on for miles, there’s nothing. Absolutely nothing but darkness and faraway stars.

Since being stationed on Space Station Baldur, you’ve seen your fair share of stars up close. They’re not nearly as breathtaking as you’d think, many looking like smaller versions of the sun, with some burning much hotter with a bluish-white hue. It still amazes you, knowing that all they’re made of is gas and dust that have taken over millions of years to get hot enough to shine so brightly.

They’re the little spectators of the universe that twinkle in the sky back home on Earth.

Earth. It’s been approximately 734 days since you’ve felt its gravitational pull. Approximately 729 days, 12 hours, and 43 minutes since you arrived at Space Station Baldur with Mission Specialist Kim Namjoon and your team. 8 hours since the two of you left the station to venture out into the great unknown on special assignment.

Special assignment is really just a fancy way of saying go see what you find and report back to us if you really do find anything, but we know you won’t.

It’s pointless, really. It would take you months, if not years, to actually reach something that hasn’t already been discovered.

It’s why they’ve thrust a camera in your hands and instructed you to take a few pictures while you’re gone. To show the people back home where you are and what it’s really like. But the photos you take don’t do it justice. Sure, it’s breathtaking in a so much different from home sort of way, but it’s quiet. Isolating. Downright daunting.

The black void stretches on for miles, empty of everything familiar. Empty of anything at all, really.

“Do you think Nick Jonas would actually last as a spaceman?” Namjoon questions with a quirk of his lips.

You snort, shooting him a look that says absolutely-fucking-not. Nick Jonas wouldn’t know the first thing about being alone. Well and truly alone. It’s an experience you still struggle with sometimes, being so far away from what you know. From the things and people you love. But you love your job too. You love learning about the world, the universe, the galaxy around you. There’s so much nobody knows. So much left to discover.

You are most certainly not going to discover anything out here like this though, in your little dinghy ship with just enough rations to last the 12 hours out and the 12 hours back, but it’s a nice thought.

“If any of the Jo Bros would last, it’d be Kevin,” you mutter with finality, nodding sagely.

Namjoon wrinkles his nose. “Kevin? Why Kevin?”

You shrug. “He’s the oldest.”

“Doesn’t mean he’s the brightest--”

The comms crackle to life, stopping your impending argument before it can begin.

“Microkosm, this is Mission Control, requesting a status update.”

You want to snort at the name Microkosm, the ship so aptly named due to it being a smaller extension of the space station, containing your little corner of the universe for the next...17 hours and 43 minutes.

Namjoon shifts into work-mode, rattling off your estimated coordinates, determining your location based on your distance from the satellites and the main station.

“Rations are adequate and oxygen levels are at a steady 93%.”

“Excellent,” your commander mutters. “You’re making decent time. Any observational updates?”

“Negative,” you finally contribute. “Nothing but space rock and stardust, sir.”

“As expected,” he sighs. “Regardless, expect to give another status update in the next few hours.”

“Yes, sir,” you and Namjoon chorus, listening to your commander mutter a signoff. Your ship settles back into silence as the comms power off, the low hum of the engine and shuttering of the walls a mere background noise to you now.

“What a waste of a trip,” Namjoon sighs, slumping down in his seat and leaning his head back on the headrest.

You grunt, echoing his sentiment completely. When you first applied to be stationed on Baldur, you were so excited. A mere science geek, itching to make a discovery. You had big dreams, fantasies of planets and moons and otherworldly fauna. Maybe even a world not quite unlike your own. But this...wasn’t reality.

The work you do is important, obviously, but it’s mainly research. Studies to determine how well humans can survive in space. How far they can go and what they need to help them survive.

Is there a way to manufacture oxygen so we won’t run out?

The earth is only going to be inhabitable for so long. Or so they say.

Really, you think all of this is just another way for them to monetize uninhabited property. Not enough commercial real estate on earth? Why not sell space too?

Maybe that’s a cynical way to view the work you do, but after two years of not a whole lot of scientific discoveries, you’re a little disheartened.

“I’m gonna grab some sustenance,” you declare and unbuckle, finally caving to your stomach’s incessant grumbling. “You want anything?”

Namjoon glances at you as you slowly float out of your seat, hands reaching for your headrest to steady you. “A strawberry and banana protein shake?”

You smile, not entirely sure why you asked. His answer is always the same.

“You got it, Specialist,” you say and release the back of your seat, using it as leverage to push yourself toward the back of the ship. Floating in space is a little like swimming on earth, except you don’t sink, you just keep floating.

After strong-arming your way to the back of the ship, you break into your stash of freeze-dried foods. Since the two of you are on a shorter mission in such a small spacecraft, all of your food has to be things that can be consumed without cooking them. No meatloaf and potatoes for the two of you while you’re gone. Just freeze-dried fruit, nuts, crackers, cheese spreads, and dehydrated protein shakes.

You grab Namjoon a strawberry and banana one and add water through the pressurized hose before grabbing a chocolate one for yourself. You eye the coffee, knowing that sooner or later you’ll have to take watch while Namjoon sleeps, but you figure you’ll have time for that later.

Besides, you’re not really all that tired yet anyway.

Balancing the drink pouches precariously between your fingertips, you use one hand to push yourself back in the direction of the front of the ship. You’re just reaching for one of the bars on the ceiling to propel you forward when it shimmies and you miss your mark.

The ship’s rattling is suddenly loud in your ears and, as your shoulder collides with the ceiling, you can feel it in your jaw, rattling your teeth.

“Uh, Joon?” you question, heart beating hard in your chest. You try your best to strong-arm your way back to the front, but the ship shakes and takes you off course. You’re forced back against the ceiling with a hard crack that takes your breath away. You hiss, dropping your drinks to cradle the back of your head. “Joon!”

“Specialist, get back in your seat!” you hear his words, loud in your headset, and feel yourself start to panic.

“Joon, what’s going on?” you demand, but grab a hold of one of the bars to push yourself forward. The ship sways and quakes beneath your touch, your entire body vibrating from the point of contact.

“Fuck, we don’t have time,” Namjoon hisses, voice thin and strained. “Get to one of the emergency seats and strap yourself in.”

“But I’m almost—“

“Now!”

And that’s when you notice it, the erratic movement of the spacecraft, the violent quivering of the walls, the high-pitched whistling of the engine as it struggles to slow you down. Something is wrong. Something is very, very wrong.

You slot yourself into one of the seats at the edge of the craft and just manage to latch yourself in when you hear a loud pop and feel the ship lurch. Almost as if you’re in a car that’s just been rear-ended. But it happens again. And then again.

“Namjoon, if you don’t tell me what the fuck is happening—“ Your hands are curled tightly around the straps that hold you in your seat, the material digging deeply into your palms as you pray that what little food you have consumed today stays down.

“Damn it, I—“ Namjoon begins, the sound of his voice crackling in your ears. The sound fades in and out and you strain to hear him. “Fuck, brace — impact!”

“Namjoon!”

______________________________________________________________

Back | Next (Planet X)

#bts fanfiction #kim namjoon #bts #fanfiction #sci-fi #bts au fic #bts au #bts x reader #bts fanfic #bts space au #alien bts au #btsrunmylife.story #btsrunmylife

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mischiefandi · 4 years

Text

A Shitty Love Song (Part 1) - Stiles Stilinski

Wild Ones

A/N: hey everyone! this has been a long time coming! thank you for lovely comments on my previous post, im super happy to finally be posting this. a HUGE thank you to @duskholland for helping me out so much with this series, ily to death bitch. enjoyy yall

Summary: Y/N is a 17 year old girl who struggles in an epic battle against herself. Whether it is amor’s icy grasp or life’s unexpected course that forces her to finally open up, only one thing is certain. The truth cannot be long hidden.

Warnings: underage drinking, party times, maybe a couple of swear words but im not sure haha

Word Count: 5,3K

Pairing: Stiles Stilinski x Reader (Y/N)

Series Masterlist

(picture is not mine -> credits to @ pechka on unsplash)

Seasons before, in the early fall where the leaves don’t yet want to leave their wooden hooks, Y/N had just started her junior year of high school. Being the new girl in school, she was afraid of being alone - something she had always been - but not this year. Whether it was chance or fate, she happened to fall upon a curious but wonderful group of people who quickly became her friends.

At its center, Scott McCall, young lacrosse player with a boyish charm and a heart of gold and by his side, Stiles Stilinski, an eccentric and spirited young man. Surrounding them were Lydia Martin, the fiery and confident genius, the sweet yet lethal huntress, Allison Argent, and finally Isaac Lahey, charming Mr Mischief himself.

This pack of wild cards had found a new companion, and Y/N fit in like a puzzle piece filling in its designated spot. She got along with everyone in the group, forming indestructible friendships with these eccentric teenagers, and she felt fortunate beyond belief. More often than not, she would eat with them by the walnut tree outside of the school. The group would share stories and food, complaining about the soporific lessons from the earlier period, or excitedly planning the next outing, the next party. Every week, the teenagers would go hang out in the woods by the mystical ruins of the Hale House, doing more of the same. Life was light and good.

The group had planned on hanging out by the Hale House one quiet September afternoon, but the universe likes to play tricks, and somehow Y/N and Stiles were the only ones to show up. Deeming it a happy accident, the pair walked through the damp woods together, talking about their day and slowly letting each other in. Laughter echoed between the trees and the wind turned.

🌙🌙🌙🌙🌙

A little more than a month had gone by and Halloween was just around the corner. Classes seemed longer than usual, bigger stacks of schoolwork forming daunting piles on Y/N’s desk. But school was the last thing she could think of when she got home after a long day of concentration. The only thing that mattered, was Stiles. Video calls, phone calls, and late night texts that seemed to never cease took over the second Y/N’s feet passed the threshold of her home. And nothing compared to these conversations.

“I’m sorry but no.”

“Stiles, stop, seriously.”

The mole-speckled boy lunged forward in front of the screen and passed a shaking hand through his spiky hair.

“There is no way you like the second trilogy better than the first one. It’s just not possible.”

“Well it is possible, because I do,” Y/N retorted, her unfazed expression gleaming back at him.

“Literally how? The group dynamic alone should make you see reason. I mean come on. Han and Leia? Han and Chewie? Han and Luke?”

“You do know Star Wars doesn’t exclusively revolve around Han Solo right?” she asked, her lips breaking into a smirk.

“First of all, no. Second, give me one single reason why the second trilogy is better than the first,” Stiles said, “I dare you.”

“One reason?”

The boy nodded, serious as a statue.

“Hayden Christensen.”

Stiles groaned deeply, his face buried in his large hands.

“Can’t even have a serious discussion about Star Wars with someone rational.”

“I’m not sorry.”

“You’re the worst.”

Y/N paused, holding a finger to her chin.

“Hmm, agree to disagree.”

“Son of a bitch.”

“Hey! How can we have an intelligent debate about anything if you use swearing as a last resort.”

“I have given up on us. It’s over.”

Y/N laughed profusely against her pillow, shaking her head.

“You’re a drama queen.”

“FRIENDSHIP OVER!” Stiles bellowed and Y/N shot her head back, unstoppable laughter erupting from her stomach.

“It’s going to make things awkward at the party, Friday,” Y/N said between chuckles, her laughter quieting down.

“Who said you were even invited,” replied Stiles, adjusting his shirt, revealing a tiny patch of skin just above his sweats. Y/N’s eyes flicked over to the screen but the second had passed.

“Funny. Listen, I gotta get some sleep otherwise I’ll pass out in math or something.”

“Yeah, I should probably also go to bed sometime soon.”

“Hopefully before tomorrow morning.”

“Har-har,” said Stiles, smiling at the camera, his chocolatey irises beaming at Y/N.

“Goodnight nerd.”

“Goodnight loser.”

Y/N stuck out her tongue at Stiles before hanging up the call.

That night, as she carefully brushed her teeth and got her clothes ready for the next day, Y/N thought back on her video call with Stiles, a warm smile spreading on her lips.

🌙🌙🌙🌙🌙

The week passed so slowly, each hour lasting an exhausting eternity. School, demanding as ever, while keeping Y/N busy, was the reason why time seemed so lengthy. The nasty side-effect from tantalizing hours is the amount of thinking you do to keep busy. So Y/N did just that. She thought about how much she cared for her group of friends, she thought about the fact that she had never felt like she belonged like she did then.

She thought about how nice it was sitting by the Hale House, enjoying each others’ company, how life is so much lighter when you feel surrounded, how much she had learned about herself after meeting the pack. She thought about the band Stiles and her liked so much. She thought about Star Wars. She thought about the sound her computer made when Stiles sent her a message. She thought of his hair, his moles, his neck. She thought about how thrilling it was when he sat next to her. She thought about how much he mattered in her life, just like the others mattered too.

Y/N did so much thinking that week. But the funny thing is, amor has a way of tricking your mind. Your body believes one thing but your mind has been bewitched, and no amount of thinking you do can remove the fog clouding over your eyes.

When came Friday, Y/N was happy to be done with school, bursting through the doors of the establishment, excited to go home and get ready for Danny’s Blackout Party. She was thrilled about going, however nervous she felt.

She had never been to a party like Danny’s rave before and she had no idea what to expect. But more importantly, she was afraid of crowds. She had tried going out to packed bars with people from her old school, but the chaos and the drunks surrounding her made her feel beyond uneasy.

“Y/N! Wait up!” She heard Allison exclaim, and she slowed down her pace, allowing the brunette to catch up with her.

“Are you excited for tonight?” asked Allison, her light brown eyes gleaming brightly.

“Yeah, it’s gonna be...crazy.”

“You okay?”

Y/N forced a smile and nodded overenthusiastically.

“Yeah! Just tired. It was a long day,” she replied.

“Same here, which is why, we need to let loose tonight! Let’s get ready at Lydia’s, so we can all head over there together.”

“Sure. Quick question though, how did Lydia get us invited in the first place?”

Allison giggled, nodding her head towards Aiden and Ethan standing by their motorcycles.

“How do you think?”

The girl’s laughter echoed through the cool autumn air and disappeared with their cars. It was going to be a night to remember.

🌙🌙🌙🌙🌙

As Y/N and Allison reached Lydia’s house, Y/N couldn’t help but feel more and more anxious, tightly gripping her bag filled with clothes and makeup. The party was starting to worry her.

People had been whispering about it all day back at the high school, talking about the numerous illicit drinks that would be served and the intriguing entertainment. It seemed like the Danny had gone all out for Halloween. Still, not knowing exactly what to expect practically terrified Y/N.

She was outgoing, but big crowds and chaos were things that made panic bubble up inside of her very core, quickening her heartbeat to a frightening extent. She loved dancing and partying, and much like other people her age, she loved a good drink every once in a while, but huge events and big blowouts, she had never been a fan of.

Putting on a brave face, Y/N shut the car door and walked up the stairs to Lydia’s front porch, ringing the doorbell as Allison locked the car. After what seemed like mere seconds, Lydia opened the door, letting the excited girls in.

“Finally. I thought I was going to have to get going without you,” she said, smirking at the pair.

“Y/N couldn’t decide what to wear,” replied Allison, sending Y/N a look that made Lydia scoff.

“Excuse me if I've never been to a neon-themed rave. How am I supposed to know what to wear?”

“Well the name of said rave could be a pretty good indicator,” mocked Lydia as the girls walked up to her bedroom, shutting the door behind them.

“Ali, what are you wearing?”

Allison giggled with a smirk and did a demonstrative twirl, showing off her burgundy flannel shirt and black jeans.

“This!”

Lydia raised her eyebrows at the brunette, a confused expression etched on her face.

“Am I the only one here who understands the term “neon”?” she asked.

Allison shook her head then slowly unbuttoned her shirt, revealing a neon pink bra.

Y/N laughed, shaking her head. This stunt was definitely orchestrated for someone special.

“Wow. Isaac will love it.”

“It’s about time you two did something about your situation,” joked Lydia, reaching for an eyelash curler.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” replied Allison with an innocent shrug and a slightly less innocent wink.

“Well now that Allison’s outfit is sorted, it’s your turn, Y/N. Let’s see what’s in this enormous bag of yours.”

The strawberry blonde bent down and grabbed Y/N’s bag before she could say anything, emptying its contents in a flash.

“No, no, definitely not, no…Y/N, why are all of these clothes black?” inquired Lydia, with a look of disgust she had difficulty hiding.

“Lyds, I told you, I don’t know what to wear to a rave.”

“Show me your bra.”

“What?”

“Show me your bra. If it’s the right colour, we can just pair it with some of my clothes.”

Y/N reluctantly removed her white shirt, revealing an electric blue floral lace bra, much to Lydia’s delight. Allison whistled approvingly.

“Okay here’s what we’re gonna do.” Lydia walked over to her closet, carefully studying its contents. Allison and Y/N exchanged a glance as Lydia clapped her hands together.

“This goes with this, and you have to tuck it in, like so,” she said, “okay, try this on. Now.”

Y/N looked down at the outfit her friend had put together.

“Yes ma’am,” she mumbled, her face as white as a sheet.

Y/N walked to the corner of the room as the girls chatted and finished getting ready. Her heart thundered as she passed her neck through the bottom of the sheer black top Lydia had handed to her. Looking herself in the mirror, all she could see was a blushing dishevelled mess. Her bra covered most of her chest, but the curves of her breasts were only slightly hidden by the black mesh material she was wearing.

“Okay, this is okay…” she muttered to herself, trying not to panic.

Bending down, she grabbed the black layered skirt she had brought with her and brought it up to her hips, tucking the top inside. The skirt helped balance out the outfit, but still Y/N wasn’t fully convinced.

“How are you feeling?”

“Kind of nervous honestly.”

“I meant how do you feel about the outfit- but you’re nervous? Why?” asked Lydia, walking over to Y/N in front of the full-length mirror.

“It’s just- I’ve never been to a big party like tonight, much less looking like…this,” Y/N reluctantly replied.

Lydia bit her lip and sucked in some air before smiling widely at Y/N and taking a step forward.

“By “looking like this” I hope you mean by looking incredible. Y/N, look at yourself. You’re tall and confident, the outfit looks amazing on you. Your look is not the problem,” she said, gently.

“Then what is?”

“You tell us,” replied Allison, walking over to the girls by the mirror.

Y/N exhaled deeply and turned around to face her friends.

“I hate crowds. I love partying don’t get me wrong, I just- I get really really panicky around big crowds of people. The noise, the warmth, all of it, just terrifies me. I’m worried that I’ll hate it and freak out or something. I’m sorry, I probably should have said something before.”

As soon as the daunting words had slipped through her lips, Y/N felt a weight lift from her weary shoulders, a wave of relief passing over her entire body.

“Hey, it’s okay. Everyone’s got something they’re uncomfortable with. It’s nothing to be ashamed of,” said Allison, sweetly.

“I know, it’s not that I’m ashamed, I just- didn’t wanna be a downer. I really am excited for tonight! I’m just nervous.”

Lydia placed her hands on Y/N’s shoulders and smiled brightly.

“Look, you’re gorgeous right now. Even without my help, you’re gorgeous. And tonight, we’ll be around the whole time. If you feel freaked out or you start to panic, we’ll go outside and get some fresh air. We don’t mind.”

“Exactly, we’re your friends. You know you can depend on us on occasion,” Allison joked and Y/N laughed, shaking her head timidly.

“Seriously, Y/N, we’re gonna have a ton of fun tonight. And if you need anything, whatsoever, we’re both here,” added Lydia.

Y/N’s heart swelled and she felt her eyes filling slowly. Blinking the impending tears away, she smiled widely, her radiant eyes following suite.

“Thank you, both of you. You’re the best.”

“Agreed. Now, that’s sorted. Are you comfortable with the outfit?” asked Lydia.

Y/N looked at herself in the mirror, analyzing every detail of her figure, taking in how “out there” the outfit was. After a few seconds, she nodded to herself and smiled.

“You know what? You only live once.”

Allison giggled and rested her arms on Y/N’s shoulder.

“Tonight is going to be amazing!”

🌙🌙🌙🌙🌙

As Lydia’s car pulled into the parking lot in front of the venue - a large concrete building comparable to a construction site - Y/N sent a text to her friend.

Y/N: we just got to danny’s party

Y/N: u guys here?

The girls looked up at the windows on the top level, the neon lights shining through catching their attention, the music already reaching their ears.

The group excitedly entered the building, Y/N’s heart thundering against her ribcage. Allison noticed the worried look on her friend’s face and she slipped her hand in hers, sending her a warm smile. Y/N took a deep breath, and the three beautiful girls went into the otherwise empty elevator. On the way up, Y/N’s phone vibrated against her palm and she looked down at the screen.

Stiles: we aren’t there yet

Stiles: Scott needed to go get something

Y/N’s heart couldn’t help but sink a little. She had hoped the boys were going to be there already, though why, she couldn’t say. Her phone interrupted her thoughts again.

Scott: by smth, Stiles means someone

Scott: and by someone, he means Kira

Scott: also we’re late because of the jeep

Scott: ;)

Y/N chuckled and texted him back, Lydia and Allison sharing an inquisitive look.

Y/N: figures :))

“Who is that?” asked Allison as the elevator doors opened.

Y/N winced slightly and turned to Allison.

“It’s the boys. Scott was just telling me they picked up Kira…”

“Oh.”

Lydia looked from Allison to Y/N, and back, the awkwardness beyond tangible.

“Are you okay?” asked Y/N, worried that the news had killed the mood.

“Honestly? I don’t love the idea of partying with my ex and his new girlfriend, but we broke up three months ago. We’ve both moved on. Besides, I really like Isaac. I’m not gonna let this ruin my evening,” Allison answered, a soft smile on her lips.

“Allison has Isaac, Scott has Kira, Stiles- well I don’t know about Stiles. That leaves you and me, Y/N. You can help me avoid Aiden tonight,” said Lydia, straightening her dress.

“Aiden, as in, the guy you hooked up with who just so happens to be the guy who invited you to this rave?”

“Precisely.” Lydia walked away hurriedly, and the girls laughed, entering the venue.

The grey concrete in the hall was uncharacteristically bland compared to the other-worldly burst of colours inside of the venue. Neon blue, pink, orange, yellow, and green exploding in every direction, paired with blaring purple lights attached to the concrete beams above the dancefloor where what looked like at least 70 people were jumping up and down to the beat of Losing It by FISHER. Strands of white UV tubes hanging from the ceiling all around the dancefloor lit up every white item of clothing in the room, turning the pure colour into a bright purple.

This giant nebula of chaos and colour made Y/N’s blood pump ten times faster throughout her body. That or the the bass blasting through the giant speakers by the DJ. Either way, the thrill of it made Y/N shiver, her whole body completely frozen in place.

“This is crazy!” Allison gasped.

“Danny really went all out,” said Lydia, staring at the dancing figures in the center of the room.

Y/N’s phone buzzing woke her from her trance and she read the text.

Stiles: be there in about 20 minutes

Stiles: can’t wait to embarrass you on the dancefloor

Y/N: oof

“Let’s go get a drink,” Lydia urged, walking over to the large snack table with numerous bottles. Y/N read the labels and nodded, impressed by the wide range of drinks.

“Wow. Jack Daniels, vodka, a shitton of beer, wine coolers, rum, Jagermeister…Danny really did go all out.”

“Pass me a cup,” said Allison.

As the girls filled their glasses, Lydia eyed Y/N’s cup.

“Y/N, are you sure you want to start with a triple shot of vodka?”

“Yeah, it’s fine!” Y/N exclaimed, downing the drink before anyone could stop her and gasping as the strong liquid burned its way down her throat.

“Ohkay, take it easy,” said Allison, shooting a worried glance at Lydia.

“I’ve got it under control,” replied Y/N as she refilled her cup.

“Let’s go dance!”

Allison dragged the girls away from the table, walking over to the dancefloor. Y/N downed her second drink and nodded wearily.

“Yesss, let’s do this!”

The looming herd of party-goers, intimidating as it was, seemed a little less daunting now that Y/N was actually at the party.

“How bad could it be?” she thought to herself before treading through the mass, occasionally bumping against people energetically throwing their limbs around.

In the middle of the chaos, Allison stopped and started moving her hips in sync with the song, Lydia quickly following suit. Y/N bobbed her head along to the beat of the bass, her arms swinging awkwardly on either side of her body. Allison laughed and grabbed her friend’s arms forcing the movement to flow through Y/N’s limbs. Lydia busted up and down, moving her waist so naturally it seemed like she had been born for this very moment.

Closing her eyes, Y/N tried to focus on the music vibrating throughout her body, the memory of the colours surrounding her floating behind her eyelids. Allison sang along with the lyrics of the current song, shouting out the words as she moved from side to side. Y/N slowly started to lose herself to the music, letting go of her inhibitions, forgetting the world around her.

When the beat changed, her feet jumped up and down, as if they had a mind of their own. Her head felt heavy yet no thoughts crossed her mind. The music had gotten rid of all concentration, the only thing left was the bass flowing through her veins, making her entire body pulsate to the beat.

Beads of sweat trickled down Y/N’s neck as she kept dancing, her feet starting to ache with every jump. It had only been about fifteen minutes, but to the dancers, it seemed like a wonderful eternity. Finally, Lydia tapped on Y/N’s shoulder and shouted by her ear.

“Let’s do some body painting!”

Y/N nodded profusely, a wide smile on her lips.

“Ali went to dance with Isaac!” Lydia shouted as the pair pushed through the crowd.

“Where’s the paint?” shouted Y/N, trying to hear her own voice over the music and failing miserably.

“Over there!”

A tall blonde boy holding brushes with purple and pink tips smiled as the girls reached him, his charismatic grin turning Y/N’s cheeks bright red.

“What can I do for you ladies?” he asked, his pearly white teeth a bright purple as his grin widened.

“My friend over here needs a lot of paint. Emphasis on lot,”Lydia insisted.

Y/N shook her head, giggling stupidly.

“Not too much paint,” she said warmly.

The boy smiled with a wink.

“Let me worry about that.”

Y/N removed her mesh top, holding it with her right hand, patiently waiting for the boy to start painting across her chest and back. She shivered as she felt the cool wet tip of the brush meet her sweaty skin, sliding a few inches down, a thick stripe of paint spreading across her back. Y/N giggled at the cold feeling, the alcohol in her system reaching her head. She closed her eyes and bent her neck to the side as the boy continued his line up to her collarbone.

“What’s your name?” she heard him ask.

“What’s yours?” she chose to answer, smiling wickedly.

She heard him laugh as he started painting little dots up her back.

“Jeremy.”

“Nice to meet you, Jeremy.”

“You know most girls like a proper introduction before getting this close,” he said over the pulsating music, his breath fanning over Y/N’s neck as he painted small strokes down her shoulder. Y/N grinned mischievously.

“I’m not like most girls,” she teased as she turned to face him.

“No, I guess you’re not,” the boy replied, his eyes darting towards her lips and back up.

“I’m almost done with your body- I mean with the paint,” he said, shaking his head with a grin. Y/N giggled and stepped closer.

“I’m all yours…” she replied.

Jeremy’s deep blue eyes lingered on hers before focusing on her chest. Y/N thanked the universe that he wasn’t looking straight at her, otherwise he would have seen her cheeks fill with red for the second time. He delicately placed pink and orange dots up and down her chest, careful as to not stain her bra and she watched him, observing his concentration with admiration. Finally, he looked up, smiling at her.

“My masterpiece is done,” he declared, placing the paintbrush on the body paint stand.

Jeremy reached for a mirror and handed it to her. She admired the strands and dots painted across her body in a chaotic waltz, the hot purple and pink clashing against her skin. Looking up at him, she grinned widely.

“You’re talented,” she said.

“It’s easier when you have such a good canvas to work on…” he replied, sending her a look hot enough to melt her.

Momentarily remembering the outside world, she looked around and quickly realized Lydia wasn’t there anymore, probably off dancing or looking for Allison. Y/N turned back to Jeremy.

“I’m sorry, I should probably go check on my friends…” she said, biting her lip as she slipped her mesh shirt back on.

“Of course. Maybe later, we’ll bump into each other on the dance floor?” he replied, a nervous smile etched on his lips.

“Yeah, maybe.”

Y/N winked at him and walked away, trying her best to keep her cool.

“Well that was something.” She thought to herself, a wide grin planted on her face.

Looking around, she couldn’t find either of her friends, nor could she find Isaac. Slightly disappointed, Y/N walked over to the table and poured some vodka in an unused cup before knocking her head back, letting the burning liquid run down her throat.

She eyed the dancefloor and thought back on her previous conversation with Jeremy. She was beyond nervous. She’d never actually kissed a boy before. The opportunity just hadn’t ever presented itself. But now that she was here, feeling tipsy as ever, a few feet away from the cutest boy at the party, she couldn’t help but think, why not?

Wiping her sweaty palms on her skirt and downing her fourth - albeit, strong - drink of the night, she nodded to herself and walked over to the dancefloor.

As Five Hours blasted through the speakers, Y/N pushed her way through the sweaty crowd once again, making her way to the center of the dancefloor. Ignoring the world surrounding her, she closed her eyes and gave in to the music, feeling every beat of the song pulsate throughout her entire body.

Colours, flashing lights, the feeling of people’s skin against hers, her head spinning and swaying in every direction, it made her feel alive. As the last drop of the song reached its peak, Y/N jumped with the crowd, knocking her body against complete strangers, feeling the warm and sticky air fill her lungs with every breath.

The song Too Much by Curbi started to play and Y/N felt someone’s body against hers. Closing her eyes, she turned around and felt a pair of strong arms wrap around her waist. She sighed lightly, enjoying the feeling of her skin against the boy’s. His fingers treaded down her back, firmly settling just above her ass, holding her steady in a sea of bustling bodies.

She danced against him, turning around again, her back facing his front. Moving against his body, she felt his arms tighten around her, pulling her in. His hot breath fanned over her neck and she moaned slightly, squeezing his hand reassuringly.

Suddenly, time seemed to stand still when his lips lightly touched her warm skin. Y/N inhaled sharply, her eyes still shut. The only thing she could hear now was the sound of her heartbeat furiously thundering against her ribcage. Slowly caressing the boy’s arm, she allowed further access to her neckline, moaning loudly as she felt his feverish lips plant warm kisses on her neck, inching higher and higher. Y/N’s hands reached for his and she tugged them closer to her body, her hips still moving against him. His lips danced furiously across her neck, leaving dangerously beautiful marks on her skin.

The music seemed only to heighten her senses. Her legs almost gave out when she heard the boy groan lightly against her ear, her response, a small whine at the loss of contact with his lips. She turned around and tried to open her eyes, the bright lights bursting through the gap in her eyelids. Squinting at his face, trying as hard as possible not to lose herself to the music again, Y/N’s eyes caught a glimpse of the boy’s face.

Bright pink dashes stained his cupid’s bow and the right corner of his bottom lip, the paint from her neck helpless in the face of a passion like this one. Y/N’s eyes scanned the rest of his face and widened slightly when they met amber irises, warm and inviting and so familiar. Her fingers threaded through his damp dark brown hair, her brain trying to comprehend what was about to happen.

His chocolatey eyes looked deep into hers and he licked his lips slowly, the world around them fading. Y/N felt her vision blur as she inched closer to him, her nose picking up the scent of old leather and pine trees and rain. His lips lingered over hers and she felt a chill as her name echoed through the air.

“Y/N…”.

Their lips connected in a frenzied blur, sending sparks of pleasure throughout Y/N’s entire body and the chaos surrounding the pair completely swallowed them. His teeth slightly bit her bottom lip and she deepened the kiss, ardently giving in to his deliciously demanding mouth. Unable to control her body, she steadied herself against him, tugging at his shirt with one hand, the other cupping his face as he sucked on her delectable lips.

Their bodies so unbelievably close disappeared in the crowd of dancers, the whole world somehow a thousand miles away.

Time, a forgotten concept.

A/N: I seriously hope u enjoyed this!! if u did please reblog :)) (would be super helpful especially with tumblr acting up w the tags and all that) <3 part 2 coming soon!!

if you would like to be added to this series’ taglist, please send me an ask :)

If you would like to be added to my taglist(s), feel free to fill in this form

#stiles stilinski #Stiles Stilinski fanfiction #Stiles Stilinski x reader #Stiles Stilinski x reader insert #Stiles Stilinski fanfic #Stiles Stilinski series #teen wolf #v writes #<33 #eeeek #dylan o'brien

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idontreadheartbeats · 4 years

Text

Day 7: Rec List Saturday

AMVs:

“Faded” by gracieon.

I just love the giffed cuts above, and the song + dialogue clips give me so many feels.

“Sorry” by Fandom.com

I’ve been listening to this one a lot while writing my longfic Lightning Sun. The song by Halsey dives into the psychology of someone who fundamentally believes they don’t deserve love and/or doesn’t understand or believe how other people could love them. I think with all her abandonment issues, Katara would probably vibe with this.

“Easier” by TeamHodgins

Another one for the longfic feels. At the beginning of Lightning Sun, Zuko is in prolonged recovery from Azula’s strike, thus the lyrics, “I’m stuck, I’m stuck, I’m stuck here in my skin.”

The story is told mostly through the pov of Katara, who’s on a journey of self-discovery to understand her own issues with abandonment and what they mean for her feelings towards Zuko; hence, “Tell me it gets easier, tell me it gets easier, tell me it gets easier, that I’ll figure it out.”

“I’d let you win” by quinn darley

Pretty self-explanatory for Zuko. “I’d let you in. I’d let you win my heart again.”

“killing me to love you” by exhalence

Not listening to it much recently. Real longfic vibes, especially with these lyrics:

I want to keep faith, but you're making it harder (but it’s killing me to love you)

I’m reaching out now, but you’re pulling me under (but it’s killing me to love you)

I give you my heart just to watch you waste it (but it’s killing me to love you)

And I can’t let go when you still need saving (but it’s killing me to love you)

In case you couldn’t tell, Lightning Sun is gonna be a slow-burn angst fic with a bittersweet ending. Sorry not sorry 😬👀

“you’re my home” by [17’s] kelly

Like previous entry, not listening to it as much recently but still lovely ❤️

“into you” by mavensinclair

Recent discovery. Makes me soft 🥺

Fanfics:

Before moving onto the fic recs, I just wanna make a quick note about my preferences. Most of the following will be rated M or above. I’ve been an honest-to-God adult for a few years now, so I like fics that deal with more mature themes and adult problems.

I’m also a slut for angst. You will find very little fluff ahead (though some of these have their moments). Proceed accordingly. And not to be a hipster about Zutara fic, but there are definitely some out there that don’t get enough love, namely my top three (listed in order).

What makes a fic really stand out for me? It’s pretty simple actually. It has to be something that’s a little different, a little off-the-wall, with vivid worldbuilding. But MOST importantly, it has to make me deeply feel something. If a scene sticks in my head even months afterwards due to a combination of vivid sensory detail and visceral emotional reactions, that fic will be on this list.

Two Worlds Collide by mangx3

My co-captain @antarcticasx and I welcome you aboard the TWC Supremacy. Fear not; though the voyage may at first prove daunting and ill-fated, rest assured that you’re in for an emotionally satisfying journey that promises to rip your heart out in all the best ways.

No, but seriously, this fic is so much better than it has any right to be. I will admit, the frame structure of the tale is not to my taste, and some plot points in the first act may seem contrived. But my god, do you go on a journey with this fic. Bc it was written over the course of four years, you actually get to witness mangx3 improve as a writer. By the end, the storytelling is 💋👌🏻 And if that’s not enough for you, at one point, Zuko refers to Katara—in her absence, mind—as both “my heart” and “my life.” I just... I die 💀

Each Other by jennibare

Aang is dead + the aftermath fic. The story is well balanced between both Zutara and the steambabies.

Love Thy Enemy by RedNovember

Kind of a soulmate au. Worldbuilding is top-notch. And the climax in the third act? My god, the imagery, the emotion, just... 😭

Rumour Has It by @fictionissocialinquiry

BluePaint bible. Constantly torn between wanting to read more Blue Spirit/Painted Lady fic and knowing that none will ever compare. (I say this as someone with a BluePaint outline in the works.) This is also like my go-to re-read, though I usually stop around chapter 73 bc of that scene *fans self* and also I can’t put myself through the partial heartbreak of the ending again. Waiting to start the sequel once it’s complete.

Strength by tini243

Fair warning: this fic is incomplete and abandoned. HOWEVER, it follows the story through most of the second act, so I still left feeling satisfied. It’s a soulmate au that ends with casually married Zutara revealing their relationship to the gaang, and there’s just something so delicious about that drama.

Hopeless by @zutaradreams

The structure of this story is so unique in the way it’s sandwiched between a prologue and epilogue told from a side character pov. Plus, it’s told out of order which makes it fun to put the pieces together. Zutara build a life in Ba Sing Se when all hell breaks loose. Also, steambaby! Another go-to re-read.

Gods & Monsters by wannabewonderbender (wannabend)

If you want BAMF Katara, this is the BAMF Katara fic. Ending is a little abrupt, but I enjoyed it all the same.

The Things We Hide by Lykegenia

The worldbuilding in this au is amazing. More BAMF Katara. And no spoilers, but the ending is exactly what I would want for Ursa.

The Fifth Column by chromeknickers

Be warned: this one is dark, with incredibly dubious consent. The final showdown kinda drags on a bit, but the worldbuilding is great. Ending sets up a sequel that’s never been started, so if that bothers you, probably avoid.

WIPs:

Our Desires series by @laadychat

With each update, Sab never fails to make me feel like I’mma spontaneously combustionbend. Absolutely adore ❤️

Smoke & Mirrors by @nellasera

Blutara that leads to capture!fic trope; or, everything I’m a slut for. Dying for the next update 😭😭😭

Those Who Do Not Learn... Are Doomed to Repeat by @homeagainrose

Time-travel established relationship/married Zutara in teenage bodies. Honestly, what more could you possibly want? Also dying for update.

#zutara #zfaw #zfaw2020 #zutara fic rec #better late than never #lightning sun #emily writes things

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writingithink · 4 years

Note

You asked for it!!! Prompt number 5 and Tentoo/Rose 😂💖

Alright so this somehow got out of hand, just a little.

[Send me a prompt and a Doctor (9-11) x Rose pairing!]

Aerial View Necessary Rated: T Pairing: Tentoo x Rose Wordcount: 3,360

Read it on AO3

It had taken quite a few months for them to get here, months in which she thought she was going to go absolutely insane, but they finally did it. She and the Doctor had a house of their own. With doors, and carpets, and all of the other domestic things a house on Earth came with.

Oddly enough, it was the Doctor who had first suggested it.

They had only been staying at the mansion for five days - not even a full week. Just five days since saving the multiverse, since Bad Wolf Bay (again), since he had been essentially created. Things had been … awkward. After so long apart they had to get used to each other again, but that was compounded by all of the changes that came with his metacrisis - some of which delighted him, while others had him throwing fits.

So when he had stormed into her room on their fifth day together on parallel Earth, Rose had assumed that he was having another tantrum, like the one the evening before when he found out that he could no longer eat an entire tin of biscuits without getting a stomach ache (she had been equal parts annoyed with and sad for him). She was barely awake, had just managed to pull herself up onto her elbows when he collapsed on the bed next to her.

“Let’s get out of here. Our own place. What do you say?” He looked quite manic for 8 in the morning.

“What?” she had asked, still groggy but quickly waking. “Where’d this come from?”

“I, Rose Tyler, absolutely refuse to live with your mother.”

For all of the new little quirks and biological changes, he really wasn’t all that different. Once she’d gotten ready for the day, cuppa in hand, Rose had taken a seat at the kitchen island, laptop already out from the day before, and started looking up flats online. It wasn’t long before the Doctor was there, looking over her shoulder and somehow managing to get jam in her hair.

“No, no, no,” he started, “not a flat. Too small. Too many other humans right on top of us. Or below us. Or to the side. You know what, never mind, forget that bit. We need a house.”

“Really? You? A house?”

Years may have passed, but his horror at the prospect of a mortgage while orbiting a black hole wasn’t the kind of thing she was ever going to forget.

“Yup. Not like this one, but a good size. The TARDIS will need her own room. Oh! And I think I would fancy a garden. Not just a small one, but a proper yard. We could have a pool! Do those come with houses, or do you have to get them separately?” the Doctor babbled, leaning over her in order to begin making his own searches, fingers typing on the keyboard at a ridiculous speed that the machine was having difficulty keeping up with.

Then her mum came in.

“What are you two up to now?” she’d asked.

Before Rose could think of a way to ease her mother into this new development, the Doctor had taken the matter completely out of her hands.

“Getting a house. What do they mean ‘request a viewing’? Aren’t I viewing it now? They’ve got 23 pictures.”

It had all gone downhill from there. Her mum had had plenty of opinions, and went from enthusiastically trying to do the house hunting for them to harsh disapproval of the whole thing seemingly from moment to moment throughout the entire process. And the Doctor’s combination of unending enthusiasm and complete ignorance made it all … well, it was never boring, that’s for sure.

Also, he turned out to be very picky, which shouldn’t have surprised her.

Their realtor hated them.

But now it was over, and here they were in their own house. Their own home.

It was two stories, with four bedrooms (“One for us, one for the TARDIS, one to use for, you know … whatever. Office? Workshop? And then an extra, just in case, you know … because what if we need it?”) and three bathrooms. The sitting room was cozy, and the kitchen was spacious, and there wasn’t a separate dining area (“What do we need a dining room for? When have we ever had people over for dinner?”). They had a finished basement (which the Doctor had more ideas for than it had space, but Rose figured he would have to figure that out for himself) and an attached garage, as well as a shed out back (“It will be perfect, you know, for projects that are too big for the house … well, not too big, the shed is quite small, but you know, too, er, combustible.”). It also had a pool, but not a hot tub - she had had to convince him that they could easily buy one when he almost told the realtor no (again). And their garden was huge.

Rose didn’t know what to even do with it, she’d never had a garden before. Well, the last few years at the mansion she did technically have one - but that was different. It was her parents garden (well, grounds would be more accurate) and it was tended to by gardeners. In the excitement of moving in, she let the issue of lawncare slip her mind.

Neither her nor the Doctor had many things - despite years living in a parallel world, Rose had been so focused on her work with the Dimension Canon, and so sure she would be returning to her proper universe that she had never really put down roots. So they had to buy absolutely everything for the house, which was daunting. Thankfully one of the new quirks he had gotten from Donna was a love for shopping. Unfortunately, he did not get any common sense about what a house needed, and it became clear that this was an activity he was never allowed to do alone (in the end, Rose had had to send back 4 (out of 6) couches, 17 (out of 21) toasters, 3 (out of 5) mixers, various other kitchen gadgets (total number unknown, but now they at least had enough cupboard space for actual food), and a host of giant inflatable Christmas decorations that ‘had been on sale’).

It wasn’t until they had been at their new house for about two months that the issue of their garden came up again. And only because they had received a written warning in the post about their grass being too long.

“Who are they to decide? Isn’t it our garden?” the Doctor complained. “I like our grass! It’s very … grassy. And green! Well, mostly.”

They were standing outside on their front porch, looking at their grassy, mostly green grass. It was pretty tall. And starting to go to seed, reminding Rose of the wheat-like plants on Serin III - those were green, too. They had green bread.

“You’re gonna have to mow it,” she told him, patting his arm apologetically.

“Me? Why me?”

“Because you’re the one who wanted a big garden.”

“Maybe I also want a big fence. So that nosy city people who get paid to judge my grass can’t see it. That will show them. Or, or, we can get rid of all the grass! Put flowers and trees and things instead. Then see what these people have to say.”

“Or you could mow the grass,” Rose said, before giving him a kiss on the cheek and heading back inside. They had to be in at Torchwood soon and she still wasn’t done getting ready.

The rest of the week passed by in a blur of alien ‘incidents’, way too much paperwork, and the Doctor’s unending attempts to get out of either of them doing work the moment he got bored of it. Once the weekend arrived, she was exhausted and he was adorably and delightfully insistent on making her forget about any and all stress or responsibilities.

Monday morning saw another letter regarding their grass. This time with a deadline, and a fine promised if they didn’t have it taken care of by the end of the week.

“We don’t even have a mower!” the Doctor complained, crumpling up the piece of paper and throwing it across the sitting room.

“We’ll just have to get one. We can go after work. I’ll tell dad that we need to leave early.”

“Mmm I suppose, if it gets us out early,” he conceded, still pouting.

So they left work early and went to the hardware store, where the Doctor made no less than three scenes while complaining about the primitive technology, comparing gardening tools from different times and planets, and attempting to test drive a riding mower in the store (the lack of petrol in the floor model having easily been circumvented with a few applications of his sonic screwdriver). Obviously they ended up buying the one that he tampered with. And of course they were asked never to return.

“It said on the sign that you offer free delivery?” were the Doctor’s parting words before Rose dragged him away from the counter, telling the quietly furious manager that she would send someone to pick it up for them.

“Well that was rude of them,” he began as soon as they got into the car, “I was only trying to-”

“Nope. No. You should know better by now. We’ve been through this. Just … quiet,” Rose sighed. She wasn’t angry, but she didn’t know what exactly she was feeling - some mix of frustration, disappointment, and exhaustion. Despite the fact that he now only had one heart, she never forgot that he was an alien. Usually she loved all of his alien-ness.

Just not so much when it clashed with their attempt at living a very human life. But they wouldn’t be stuck planet-bound forever. In a few years their TARDIS would be ready for flight, and then they would once again have all of time and space at their disposal. A whole new universe to explore.

Rose just didn’t know how they were both going to manage to stay sane until they got that far.

Surprisingly, he followed her instructions and the ride home passed in complete silence. It wasn’t until she pulled into the garage that he spoke, and even then it was a whisper.

“I’m sorry.”

She turned to him, frowning, worried that she was being too hard on him. It really hadn’t been very long since he’d been stranded here with her. No functioning TARDIS, stuck on the slow path in a universe he didn’t belong in and a body that felt foreign to him.

“It’s okay.”

“No, no, it’s not. You were right. I do know better. It’s just- I just- it’s all so linear, all the time! And so stationery! If I’d ridden a mower through a shop before, it wouldn’t have mattered. We’d have ran off, back to the TARDIS, onto the next adventure. But now there’s consequences, and licenses, and passports, and credit cards, and rude letters about our grass! And I did know better, but I did it anyway because, because- what if we get boring, Rose? What if we become the kind of people who just go to work, and watch telly, and eat beans on toast, and trim our grass and that’s all?” he asked, both hands now fisted in his very disheveled hair and a look of pure panic on his face.

“Listen,” Rose said, leaning over the center console to place both of her hands lightly against the side of his head, thumbs rubbing his temples in a way she knew soothed him. “We are never going to be boring, whether or not you vandalize shops. Our job is defending the Earth from alien threats … and sometimes the other way around. And I’m sorry we went to get a mower to begin with. I don’t care. If you want our grass to get as tall as it can, I don’t care. We can just pay the fine. Okay?”

The Doctor’s hands had moved from his hair into hers and then he snogged her to within an inch of her life, stopping only when he kneed the console and hit his head on the roof of the car when he tried to get closer. The windows had all fogged up.

They were awoken the next day with a call from her mum - they had made the tabloids, again. Contrite, the Doctor made her a lovely breakfast but she didn’t have time to eat it after having to spend nearly an hour on the phone with Jackie screeching in her ear.

When lunch came around, Rose felt tired and irritable and hungry but instead of going to the canteen she marched into Pete’s office.

“I need some time off,” she announced, cutting off whatever her dad had been about to say in greeting. “Me and the Doctor both. A vacation. Right away. I’ve got plenty saved up.”

“Does this have something to do with the ‘mower incident’?” he asked, raising both eyebrows and sitting back down behind his desk.

“No. Yes? I don’t know! We just- we need a break.”

Despite the spontaneity of it all, Pete had lunch brought up and they were able to schedule three weeks of vacation time, starting the next day. When Rose went up to the Doctor’s lab to tell him, he was nowhere to be found. The floor’s lab manager said that he had disappeared over an hour ago, no one knew where. This wasn’t exactly new behavior, so she shrugged it off and went to finish up her day of writing up reports. He was waiting for her in the carpark at the end of the day, as usual, a huge grin lighting up his face the moment he saw her.

“Did Pete tell you the news?” she asked, a little disappointed that she hadn’t gotten to be the one to tell him.

“News? What news?” he asked, genuinely confused.

“Oh. You seemed so happy, I figured he musta told you.”

“No. No one told me anything. I’m always happy to see you. But what is this news?” he asked, somehow managing to still be nearly bouncing even as they got into the car.

“We’re on vacation. Starting now.”

“What?! Really?! Where are we going? What would you like to do?”

“Hmm … well, we’ve got three weeks. We can go wherever we want. Could be outta the country in a couple hours,” she informed him with a tongue touched grin.

“Rose Tyler, have I told you how absolutely brilliant you are?”

“Hmmm … ‘m not sure,” she teased.

“You are. Absolutely, astonishingly, brilliant. Are we off to the Zeppelin right now?” he asked, looking out the window as if this wasn’t the same route they took every day.

“No, we have to go home first to pack.”

“Ah. Right, wizard! And we can figure out where to first! Europe? Asia? The Americas? Zeppelin travel is so slow, maybe explore parallel Europe this time?”

During the drive home, the Doctor barely stopped for breath. It was the most excited she had seen him since they’d gotten to this universe. He was so happy, it almost made her heart hurt.

When they pulled into the driveway she immediately noticed that the grass had been trimmed … well, part of it, at least. A small bit.

“When’d you do this?” Rose asked, not bothering to pull into the garage.

“Oh! I took a long lunch. What do you think?” he asked, bounding into the garden and only walking in the mowed bits.

“Well, I mean, you missed some,” she laughed.

“No, no, come here.”

He took her hand and led her on a winding and loopy path that went in an arch from one side of their front yard, to their backyard, and then to the other side of the front.

“Well it’s definitely not a maze … does it say something?” she asked once they were back in the driveway.

“You’re right, it does! 10 points to Gryffindor! Perhaps an aerial view is necessary.” Still holding her hand, the Doctor headed inside, no doubt with a plan to get onto the roof.

“Oh, that reminds me, Doctor … this universe does still have Harry Potter, but …” she hesitated as they reached the stairs.

“But what?” he asked, turning toward her with wide eyes.

“The names of the houses are different.”

“What?!” he screeched. “Months! We’ve been here months, and you don’t tell me this until now?! What are they?! No! Don’t tell me. No spoilers. Ohhh I’m going to have to reread everything, aren’t I? Every book. Who knows how many things are different?” The Doctor dropped her hand in order to ruffle his hair, as the other one was still holding onto the rail.

“Did you still want to go to the roof?” she asked, hesitating only a little. He tended to have a flair for the dramatic, but sometimes he was genuinely upset. It was just, occasionally, a little hard to tell which was which.

“Right, yes, roof. Roof, then packing, then books, then vacation,” he listed, taking her hand again and almost running up the stairs. “We can spend a day at the beach somewhere. You love beaches. You can go swimming, and I can start rereading. Or is it just reading?”

Soon enough they managed to get onto the roof from the balcony that came off their bedroom (one of the Doctor’s ‘must haves’ in a house). Looking down, spelled out in the garden in messy cursive was, ‘I love you Rose’.

“Oh,” she breathed, covering her mouth with her hand and fighting the tears that were suddenly gathering in her eyes.

“What do you think?” he asked, after they had both been silent for too long.

“It’s perfect,” she whispered, pulling him into a kiss. They wobbled unsteadily for a moment before the Doctor slowly guided them both downward until they were sitting, less in danger of falling.

“I love you, too,” Rose told him, when they finally paused to breathe.

His answering smile was so bright, it put the sun to shame.

They eventually got off of the roof, but it was hours before they left the house. Once they finally boarded a Zeppelin, the Doctor was disappointed to realize they had forgotten to pick up books. And three weeks later, when they got back from Europe, there was a pile of mail right inside their front door - much of which were fines and late fees regarding their grassy, now not-so-green grass.

Rose paid them.

The Doctor built a perception filter.

Letters stopped coming, and it worked so well that not even Jackie ever said a word about how untended it was. The whole thing slipped Rose’s mind in the months that followed, until one evening at sunset the Doctor took her up onto the roof again.

Colors streaked across the sky, and the first couple of stars were beginning to peak out as the sun disappeared under the horizon.

“Those are still there because of you,” he whispered in her ear, nuzzling into her neck before placing a kiss on her cheek.

“Mmm … I did have a little bit of help,” she said, brushing a hand into the hair at the nape of his neck, satisfied when the Doctor sighed against her.

“Just a little?”

“Yeah,” Rose giggled, “from Mickey. Remember him?”

At the Doctors indignant squawk, she fully burst out laughing.

“I had a lot of help from you,” she told him, no longer teasing.

“Thought so,” he muttered, mollified. They were quiet for a few moments before he said, “And now here we are.”

“Yeah.”

“Rose?” he asked, sitting up. Her neck and shoulder were suddenly chilled with the absence of his body heat. When she looked over at him, he seemed nervous.

“What is it?”

“I- well- uhm …” the Doctor floundered for a moment before saying, “What do you think of the garden?”

Incredibly confused, Rose Tyler looked down and was surprised to once again find words trimmed into the grass.

‘Marry me?’

#hey-there-juliet #answered #doctorroseprompts #ficandchips #tentoo x rose #dw fic #timepetals #dw fanfiction #prompt fic: aerial view necessary #fandom: doctor who #pairing: rose x doctor #my fic #prompt fic

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detroitwhatitmeanstobehuman · 4 years

Text

Chapter 13 - You Have a Choice to Make

Part 13/17 of What it Means to be Human

Word Count: 12,273

Warnings: Swearing, gun violence, death, character death mention, genocide mention.

Genre: Self-insert

Pairing: OC (Detective Rachel) X Connor

Rating: Mature

Summary: Thanks to the key that Simon gave Detective Rachel, she and Connor were able to locate Jericho. However, even arriving together, their goals were different. Rachel’s was to find Markus and warn him about the FBI and Connor’s was to neutralize Markus. But his software had grown exponentially unstable and his deviancy was clear for Rachel to see. It was clear that he had a destiny to confront. The time has come for him to decide who he is. A deviant with free will? Or an obedient machine?

First Chapter | Previous Chapter

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Getting off the train, Connor and I quickly arrived at the Ferndale train station. Upon getting off, I saw that it was mostly empty. “I’m kind of surprised that the trains are still going with this curfew active.” I commented, taking a good look around the station. The walls were covered with graffiti, mostly red from what I could tell from the limited light I had.

“The FBI is likely already preoccupied locating Jericho.” Connor commented. “Too much to enforce curfews effectively.”

“Maybe.” I said, stepping out onto the platform. I tried to think of what to do from here. He gave me the key. I thought. Maybe I can pull it up now that I’m here. Curiously, I looked down at my hand and deskinned it.

And something began to show on a small hologram. What looked like the graffiti found on the platform with a symbol in the centre of what appeared to be a humanoid abstracted silhouette. The symbol in the centre appeared to be what looked like a modified pound symbol in white.

Looking to my left, I spotted the graffiti I was looking for and approached it. And sure enough, I saw the symbol in the centre. Okay? Now what? Curious, I placed my hand on the symbol and stepped back.

Now, the image was replaced with a different one. Instead, the graffiti was mostly yellow. The image was a semi-realistic illustration of half of a lion’s face, the same symbol being in the top left. “So, we just follow the trail.” Connor remarked at me.

Looking up, I felt a surge of determination flow through my veins. We can find Jericho. I furrowed my brow and walked down the platform. We can find Markus. Connor followed behind me obediently, allowing me to take the lead.

We walked to the end of the upper floor of the platform and started quickly walking down the escalator, not wanting to waste any time. I had no hesitation and no doubts. In that moment, I thought that this must be what Connor felt like when he was first created.

I had an objective, and I had to complete it and I couldn’t let anything distract me. I marched like a woman on a mission, and I wouldn’t let anything stand in my way.

The escalator ended down onto the street, and right at the end on the opposing wall, I saw the graffiti I was looking for and marched straight to it. Connor was silent as he followed me, an action that I accepted with pride.

I was the leader and he was the follower. And it wasn’t something I had to tell him to do. It was a role that he actively chose in this moment.

To the right of the lion was also an illustration of a boxer. I quickly noticed that there were two instances of the symbol. One to the top left of the lion and the other to the bottom left of the boxer. I was able to reach the one by the boxer, but the one by the lion was a bit difficult to reach. “A little help here, Connor?” I asked him, straining as I tried to reach it.

Connor then lifted me up with ease as I placed my hand on it. After holding it there for a moment, he set me down and I looked down at my hand.

The next clue appeared on what looked like an alleyway corner, some star symbols above and below it with differently coloured quadrants. “Alright, now we know how this works.” I said, looking around the corner and then across the street. “No time to waste.”

--------

Some of the symbols were basically unreachable to me, so I had no choice but to actually give Connor the key, which meant I had to actually interface with him again.

It wasn’t as intense as before, but it was still really awkward to do with him. There was a lot I could feel from him, but it was muted.

We were focused on our mission, and we couldn’t let anything distract us.

At this point, we had left the streets and were weaving through rooftops and across dangerous gaps. I could see why this was only something androids could do. This was tough shit to do, physically speaking.

This was the point Connor started taking the lead, seeing as not only could he reconstruct, but he could also preconstruct. So he was able to see the safest routes of travel for the both of us, and I trusted him over my judgement.

Soon enough, we arrived, and I stared in awe at the sight before me. “Jericho’s a boat?” I said out loud, leaning into Connor’s side as we looked at it. “Wow, way to not tempt fate to just destroy your base.”

Connor looked back at me, his expression perplexed. “What?”

I silently groaned. “It’s a Palestinian city famous for getting constantly invaded, there’s a whole thing with a wall and a flood that we don’t have time to get into right now.” I waved him off. “Just look it up on your own time.”

I was almost shaking with anticipation. Inside was Markus. Inside was the answer to everything.

Inside was the cultivation of both Connor and I’s fates.

--------

Inside the freighter, I couldn’t help but stare in awe. There were androids everywhere. Androids helping one another with their injuries, androids dealing with weapons, and androids gathering around TV screens watching the news.

In this setting, it was more and more apparent that this was indeed a people. A living people.

But it was also extremely daunting for namely one reason. “This place is huge!” I whisper yelled at Connor, pulling on the sides of my hood to keep it down. “And there are hundreds, probably even thousands, of androids everywhere. How the Hell are we supposed to find Markus?”

“He stands out from other androids.” Connor said rather bluntly. “But you are right in that there’s a lot of space to cover.” He then put a hand on my shoulder. “We should split up. That way we can cover more ground.”

“Good idea.” I agreed. “But how are we gonna find each other?”

Connor shrugged. “I’m sure it won’t be hard.”

I glared at him sarcastically. “So, basically you’re expecting me to do all the work?”

“No, I just mean you’ll be easy for me to find.” Connor corrected. “Even among humans, you do stand out quite a bit.”

I rolled my eyes, trying to shrug off the feeling that was fluttering inside. “Okay. But we need to hurry!”

We then broke off in different directions as I made my way through the crowds of androids. As I filed my way through them, it wasn’t hard to see just how human-like they were, now that they weren’t under any sort of confines. And that only made my heart hurt more, as I saw the weapons laid on tables.

Things were going to get ugly. Here were an entire people, all in their stronghold, and this place was likely going to house these people’s doom.

I then narrowed my eyes and looked away. Not if I can help it. My thoughts were then broken by a strangely familiar voice. “Rachel?”

I looked around to where the source of the voice was and saw a face that seemed familiar. A black android, narrowing his eyes at me in confusion. One with a very uneven haircut and round marks on his face. “Micheal?” I asked, tentatively.

Instantly, his features softened as a smile graced his lips as he walked towards me. “Rachel!” He called happily.

I let out a relieved laugh as I approached him, meeting him with a bright smile. “Micheal!” I cried again. “I can’t believe you’re here! You have no idea how glad I am to see you!”

“You too!” He said, laughing nervously. “But...why are you here?”

I sighed. Oh God, where do I even start? “I do not have the time to explain everything, but I need you to know that Connor’s here too.” I started off, feeling out of breath and seeing the brief panic in Micheal’s eyes. “That’s not as bad as it sounds, but I don’t have time to explain why. Look, I need to find Markus and I need to find him before Connor does. Can you help me?”

Micheal nodded. “Of course, I’ll take you to him.” He agreed, already walking.

“Oh my God, thank you so much.” I groaned in appreciation, following behind him.

We walked up a set of stairs to an upper level, now looking down on the whole place. My eyes landed on Connor down below, who seemed to be looking around. I couldn’t help but admire the look he chose. He really did look cute in that getup.

As I walked behind Micheal, I noticed a protection in front of us of the news and then up on the wall, a symbol. It glowed brightly in the darkness, illuminating the inside of the freighter like the north star, Polaris.

It appeared to be a modified upside-down peace sign. But I could also see it as a more abstract and simplified Da Vinci’s Vitruvian Man. How fitting to be the symbol of the android rights movement. I thought.

As I was admiring the symbol, passing through androids watching the news, I realized that Micheal was leading me to the symbol. Underneath it was what looked something like a captain’s quarters, with several screens inside it and a single solemn figure sitting within it, his fist placed on his chin.

Markus.

I couldn’t help but become more and more timid and meek as we approached. This was the android who was the face of his people. The face of the oncoming revolution. The leader of Jericho and the deviants. It felt like a huge privilege that I was not deserving of to be so close to him.

But Micheal led me right to the entrance into the lit cabin, and knocked on the metal. “Markus?”

The android turned his attention towards us, and I felt my heart still at the sight of him. His gaze was intense, searching, and paralyzing. But this was undoubtedly Markus. His single blue and green eye each was a giveaway up close. But even more significant was the caramel hue to his skin and the rogue-like flair of his jacket.

“There’s someone you should meet.” Micheal introduced, gently pushing my inside. I swallowed and stood up straight, trying not to give away just how small and nervous I felt in his presence.

Markus narrowed his heterochromic eyes at me as he stood up and approached me. He was much taller in person and I couldn’t help but feel my breath hitch in my throat. “A human?” He asked, an edge to his voice that pierced into my soul like surgical steel.

“She was the one that repaired me.” Micheal said to my defense. “And who broke me out of the precinct. She saved my life.”

Markus’s stern skeptical look eased a bit at Micheal’s words. Patting my shoulder, the android walked away, leaving me alone with Markus and I could practically feel my heartbeat in my ears. Logically, I had no reason to fear Markus. But I couldn’t help but feel puny in his wake. “What do you want?” He asked bluntly, but not aggressively.

Swallowing my nerves, I narrowed my eyes at him and puffed out my chest. “My name is Rachel.” I introduced myself. “I work with Connor. The android investigating the deviants.” Markus’s eyes hardened and I could tell I was already not off to a great start. Just stay focused, say what you need to say short and sweet. “We were taken off the case just a few hours ago and it was taken over by the FBI. They have the evidence we collected, and I can bet it won’t be long before they find you. And when they find you, they will kill all of you!” Markus’s eyes widened. “I needed to warn you and any others that are part of your plans. Connor’s here as well and he’s looking for you, but I’ll explain further in a moment.”

Markus regarded me for a moment before he stepped closer to me, making me feel even more jittery. “Follow me. I’ll gather the others.”

I let out a sigh of relief and obeyed, quickly trailing behind him as he walked with haste. As I looked behind me at the crowds below, I felt like there was a stone in my gut. I hope Connor being here wasn’t a huge mistake.

--------

Date: November 9th, 2038 Time: 09:42 PM Rachel - P̸̨̼̳̻̤̦̒̌͑̉͑a̷̱̥̟̤̜͕̿̀̈̚ͅͅr̴̢̹̩̻̜͚͎̿͛̎͘͜ț̴̪͈͕̭̬̻͑̇͐͊̆̊͗͛ṇ̴̱̠̖̲̐̀͋̑̎e̵̪͇̻̙̤͓͔̻͖̋̾̑̆̚r̸̠̘̟͍͊?̵̛̘̟͎͈̉͑̈́̃̂̚͝ Objective: Find Markus

As Connor made his way through crowds of androids, he couldn’t find any sign of Markus. It was easier to keep track of Rachel than it was to find the leader of the deviants. He saw her making her way up to the upper level as he continued searching.

As he was filing through crowds of nameless androids, he felt a hand on his shoulder. When he turned around at the touch, Connor was faced by an android with dark skin and eyes that were like glass. Her head was split open from the back as wires sprawled out like mechanical tentacles. Her skin on her face fluctuated as she stared at Connor. Her eyes bore into his very being in a way he couldn’t explain.

“You're lost. You're looking for something...” She whispered, her voice like quiet static as she continued to stare through him. “You're looking for yourself...”

The android removed her hand from Connor and the android couldn’t help but feel extremely unsettled by her.

Blinking away the uneasy feeling, Connor turned his attention back up to the floor above him and saw Markus leaving, and behind him, Rachel was following.

Tightening his jaw, Connor strode towards the stairs leading to her.

--------

As I followed Markus, who was hastily making his way through the freighter and climbing the levels, I kept up with him, somewhat nervous about how I would be received.

While making our way through crowds, Markus started to actually talk to me. “So, how did you find this place?” He asked me.

A reasonable question, to be fair. “Simon gave me the key when I found him on the Stratford Tower.” I replied.

“Simon!” Markus then whipped around at me, his eyes wide with hope. An expression that made my heart wither. “Is he - ?”

I shook my head. “No...I couldn’t save him.” I admitted, not looking up at Markus. “I’m sorry...”

Markus then put a hand on my shoulder, looking at me with reassurance. “Simon knew the risks.” He said. “He’d be thankful his sacrifice wasn’t wasted.”

I nodded, following as Markus led the way. As the android continued leading me with urgency, my thoughts wandered back to everything I’ve heard and seen of Markus. To his speech from the Stratford Tower, to hearing about him from Hank about the CyberLife store raids, to just this morning. “Speaking of which,” I started, prompting Markus to glance back curiously at me, “thank you for sparing Chris.” The android narrowed his gaze at me. “The raids on the CyberLife stores. I heard there was a shootout between the cops and your own, and you spared the officers. Chris was one of them.” I sighed, Markus slowing down briefly. “I’m not super close with him, but he is a friend. And...I honestly wouldn’t have blamed you if you didn’t spare him. But I’m thankful that you did. That couldn’t have been an easy decision to make.”

Markus shook his head. “An eye for an eye and the world goes blind.”

I scoffed. “Only if you take everyone’s eyes.”

Climbing more stairs. How many levels does this fucking boat have? “You mentioned that Connor was here as well.” Markus asked me.

“Yeah, for better and for worse.” I admitted. “Although, I wouldn’t have been able to get here without him. But in all fairness, I did make sure I found you before he could.”

“He’s the deviant hunter. Isn’t he?” Markus asked me.

“Yes.” I replied. “And a deviant himself, even if he doesn’t want to admit it. He just...needs that push.”

Markus then looked back at me, a knowing intensity in his differently coloured eyes. “And you want him to join us, don’t you?”

I nodded with a shrug. “I can promise you that he would be a valuable member.” I assured Markus. “He’s determined. Once he has a mission, nothing will stop him from completing it. And he’s incredibly intelligent and resourceful. And he’s loyal, and compassionate, and sensitive, and attentive, and perceptive, and adaptable.”

Markus then raised a curious eyebrow at me. “There’s another reason you want him to come to our side, isn’t it?”

I glared at him. God fucking damn it. “It would certainly make my job a lot less complicated.” I answered evasively. “But I’m prepared for whatever happens. I’ve already made up my mind and I stand with Jericho no matter what happens.”

Soon enough, Markus stopped and approached two androids. “Josh. North.” He said to them. One was a tall lanky black android and the other was a woman with tan skin and long red hair that looked rather familiar. Only I couldn’t quite place why. “I need you both up in the Captain’s Cabin.”

“What is she doing here?” The android, whom I figured was North, asked pointing at me. “We can’t trust her, she’s a human.”

Ouch. I gritted my teeth and stayed quiet. This is fine. This isn’t about you. You’re doing the right thing for once in this whole career. “She’s helped our people before.” Markus explained to them. “She’s come to warn us.”

“About what?” Josh asked.

“I’ll explain once we’re all alone.” I said, still staying next to Markus.

“Come on.” He ordered them, making his way to another set of stairs. “We don’t have much time.”

I groaned, but thankfully, this set of stairs was the last one up to the top deck. As I stepped out into the cold air, I took in a breath. The smell of old shipyard wasn’t great, but it wasn’t too bad either. Markus led us to the cabin and walked through the entrance, the three of us following suit.

Once inside, we were sheltered by the darkness. I stood closest to the entrance while Josh and North stood further from me on the opposite side of the cabin, Markus standing near the control panels.

“Rachel, was it?” Markus asked me. “Tell them what you told me.”

I squared my shoulders and straightened my back, trying to emphasize a tougher demeanour in the presence of these revolutionaries. “I was one of the detectives working the deviancy case in the Detroit Police Department alongside Connor and Lieutenant Hank Anderson.” I explained. “Hours ago, we were taken off the case and the evidence was handed over to the FBI. I have no doubts that there isn’t much time until they find Jericho, and when they do, they will destroy everything and everyone.”

“How do we know you haven’t led them to us.” Josh asked me, his dark eyes narrowed in suspicion. “For all we know, you could be the reason we all die tonight.”

“I’m confident they haven’t followed us.” I told them.

“Us?” North asked, glaring daggers at me. “Who else is here with you?”

“Connor.” I replied. “But even if I hadn’t brought him here, he would’ve found this place. He’s extremely determined and will persist in the face of all odds to accomplish his goals. It’s the most uncannily human thing about him.”

“This is ludicrous!” North protesting, looking at Markus as if asking him to back her up. “We can’t trust a human! They hate us! They’ll destroy all of us!”

I felt the hairs on my neck bristle at her comment, but I stilled them. It’s not their fault. They have every reason not to trust me. This isn’t about me. This is about warning them. “I can prove that you can trust me.” I said. All three of them looked at me curiously as I showed them my prosthetic arm, deskinning it for them. “Simon gave me the key before he died. Let me prove to you that I can be trusted.”

They all looked between each other before North begrudgingly stepped forward towards me. She extended her hand, deskinning her own, and wrapping it around my wrist, and I doing the same.

I nearly stumbled backwards. I was starting to get used to the feeling of interfacing, but North’s emotions were intense. I breathed heavily, trying to stay grounded and focused. There was so much anger and hatred towards humans. But there was also incredible pain. Pain at being used. Pain at being nothing but someone else’s pleasure. I felt familiar sensations and heard familiar sounds.

I was now able to place who North was. She was the android that vanished from the Eden Club before we were investigating the Tracis. I saw other “North” models in the club.

Letting go, I gasped for air, stumbling backwards. “We can trust her.” North said definitively, her voice softening.

I had to lean against the doorframe to stay steady. “Are you alright?” Markus asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” I gasped. “I just...interfacing gets to me differently because information doesn’t transfer the same. The emotions are...a lot.”

“So, the deviant hunter is here to find Markus?” Josh asked me.

I nodded. “That’s his objective.” I answered plainly. “But he is not perfect. He’s been showing more and more empathy and emotion. In truth, he’s not much different from you.” I explained. “The only difference is that he denies it.”

“Great.” Josh said, throwing his arms up and pacing in frustration. “The FBI is coming to kill us, and a deviant hunter is here to take Markus. We're short on blue blood and biocomponents. Our wounded are shutting down and there's nothing we can do!”

“Humans are conducting raids in all the big cities and they're taking androids to camps to destroy them!” North added, making my stomach churn with disgust.

“Son of a bitch!” I spat. “I fucking knew this would happen! I fucking knew it! The one time I wanted to be wrong, and I wasn’t.”

“It's all our fault...” Josh lamented with despair. “None of this would have happened if we'd just stayed quiet!”

Right then, something in me sparked. “No!” I said, pointing at him. “Don’t ever stay quiet when the rest of the world is trying to make you feel like nothing! Like less than nothing!” I said to him. “Before I was even born, my people were fighting the same fight as you! They were fighting for their rights and their freedoms! Those rights, freedoms, and privileges? Those are now mine, long after they’ve given their lives for that fight. My rights were paved with the blood of my people before, and that’s the only reason I have mine. My life was built upon the bodies of those that died fighting for my rights years after they were buried.” I then softened my demeanour. “It may seem hopeless now, but you have no idea the impact your actions and your battles will have on the future. You have no idea if you’ll be alive when you look around at the faces of those that can live freely as people because you chose to fight for them. Your only chance is to fight for your rights. To be heard. The only way to win this is to look your murderers and abusers in the eye and say ‘no more, enough is enough.’”

“She’s right.” Markus agreed. “We can’t just suffer in silence. They’re killing us! Nothing can justify that!”

“What's the point of being free if no one is left alive?” Josh asked. A very real and honest point to make.

“They’ve tried to kill my people.” I pointed out. “They’ve tried to silence us and kill us quietly. But we refused to be silent. We refused to comply. And here I still stand, ready to do the same for others who are fighting for their rights now.”

“You saw what they did to us back there! It doesn't matter what we do.” Markus agreed, contesting Josh. “We either fight for our freedom, or we die in silence.”

“This is getting us nowhere.” Josh grumbled in frustration.

“He's right. All that matters now is what we do next.” North agreed, looking to their leader. “Markus?”

As we all looked at him, Markus was quiet. Despite having somewhat of a fearsome reputation among humans, he was pensive and thoughtful. After all, he had to be. With what he was leading, he had a lot of responsibility and that couldn’t be taken lightly.

Finally, he gave his verdict. “Dialogue. It is the only way... ” He answered.

I glanced at North and I could tell she didn’t like that idea. “Don't do this, Markus. They'll kill you!” North protested.

“As much as I think it’s the right call, she’s right.” I agreed. “It’s risky. But as long as the humans see that you want equal rights for your people without shedding blood, they’ll be more inclined to listen.”

“They hate us! They’re slaughtering us!” North snapped, glaring in my direction, stepping closer to me. “They’ll never listen to us!”

As much as North annoyed me...I understood where she was coming from. “A long time ago, I was a lot like you.” I said to her. “But then I came to understand a few things. But most importantly, this isn’t a faction war between two national military powers. This is a civil war. And the unfortunate reality is that it does matter what the general public thinks of you.”

“And why should we care what the humans think of us?” North challenged, getting closer to me.

I then stepped up to her, not backing down. “Because what everyone around you thinks of you is the difference between whether you have a thousand more enemies or a thousand allies!”

“Enough!” Markus ordered, causing me to flinch and causing North to back away from me. “I’ve made my decision. Infighting won’t help. I will go alone, try to talk to them one last time.”

I widened my eyes at him. “Alone?” I asked. “I think you’re doing the right thing, but going alone is suicide! You can’t take that risk!”

“I have to try!” Markus insisted.

“Markus, everyone here depends on you. They look up to you and follow you.” I persisted. “I’m sorry, but you’re not expendable.”

“I have to try.” Markus insisted once again. He was a stringent man, that much was certain. But his conviction made me want to believe in him, too. Perhaps that was how he managed to form this huge movement. “North.” Markus drew her attention. “If I don't come back, lay low as long as you can...”

Josh then stepped up to Markus, facing him head on. “They need to realize how much they're hurting us...” He said. “Find the right words and they'll listen.”

As he walked past me outside of the cabin, I found myself agreeing with him. Words of several figures of other movements were more present in my mind. Words from the likes of Martin Luther King Jr. and many others were most prevalent.

I lingered there for a moment, our party now consisted of Markus, North, and I. After Josh left, Markus turned away from us, leaning against the panels in contemplation. I could only imagine the stress that he was under.

Indeed, these were extremely difficult times.

“Is this what we dreamed of?” Markus asked forlornly.

I felt great sympathy for the android. “Of course not. No one ever wants or asks for this to be the outcome.” I tried to comfort him. “But unfortunately, things get worse before they get better. Things get ugly before they become beautiful. And when they do get better, they get better. After all, in the wake of devastating forest fires, through time, it all grows back better, stronger, and more lush and fertile than before.”

“They can't stop what we've started.” North said poignantly, noticing his growing despair. “Since you've been here, you've given us hope...You've given me hope.” Markus turned slightly towards her, acknowledging her. Perhaps that was what drew androids to Markus. He gave them hope.

Perhaps Markus was indeed rA9.

“Today, a deviant arrived in Jericho and he told me that he stole a truck transporting radioactive cobalt...” Markus turned around as North spoke, and I could feel the blood draining from my face. Those are...a lot of not good words. “He said that he abandoned the truck somewhere in Detroit and rigged it to explode.” Markus walked closer to North. “I convinced him not to do it, and to give me the detonator.”

North then pulled out a blue device with a small screen and a red button on it, and I felt my heart in my throat. “A dirty bomb...” Markus whispered, a combination of fear and awe in his voice.

“We can't lose this war, Markus. If humans overcome us, our people will disappear forever.” North pleaded. “This may be our only chance to survive if things go wrong...”

As Markus looked between North and the detonator, he then turned to me. “Rachel?” He asked. I felt like perhaps I didn’t belong here, and I stood there rigidly, unable to speak. “You’re a human. But you clearly stand with us and you’re willing to risk everything to do it.” He said. I felt a hesitance to agree, but...I knew he was right. I really was risking losing everything, including my life, to be here. And I knew I was going to fight alongside Jericho, no matter what. “What’s your verdict?”

As I stared at the detonator, a thousand thoughts were running through my head as my heart was pounding against my ribcage. Who the hell was I to make this decision? I was just one person. One human. Who was I to decide the ethical implications of detonating a dirty bomb?

But...Markus was trusting me to make this decision. So I thought. I thought about all the potential outcomes of this night. The best and the worst. I didn’t see any reason to detonate it in most scenarios.

But there was a chance that everything could end badly. Really badly. To the point of complete, total, and successful genocide of androids.

And if that happened...there had to be consequences.

Swallowing my fears, I stared Markus down to give him my answer. “If everything goes wrong.” I started, walking towards him. “If you’ve exhausted every option and you’re losing hope and everything is falling apart around you and you have no legs left to stand on. If you have no hope left and you’re at the end of your rope? Do it.” North seemed surprised that I wanted him to take it, Markus’s brows furrowing in disappointment. “If your people end up being slaughtered tonight, which could very well happen, don’t die in silence.”

Markus then hesitantly took the detonator. “I just hope we never have to use it...” He lamented.

“If we succeed, you won’t.” I assured him, turning away and walking towards the exit to the cabin. But before I left, I turned back to him, a familiar piece of advice resurfacing to me. “You know, there’s something a friend once told me that might be of some comfort to you. Expect the worst and hope for the best.” Markus and North were both looking at me intently. “Because if the worst comes, you’re prepared and you’re right. And if the best comes, then you’re pleasantly surprised. Either way, you don’t lose.” I smiled at the memories of my old friend from better days. “It’s a mantra that’s gotten me through some of the worst times in my life.”

Markus nodded at me, taking my advice. “Thank you, Rachel.” He said appreciatively.

I nodded, looking between him and North and deciding I had overstayed myself a little bit. “I’ll, uh, stand guard outside and keep watch.” Awkwardly excusing myself from them, making my way outside.

As soon as I reached the outside, I slumped my back against the wall of the cabin, letting out a long exhausted sigh. The weight of what was happening and what I was getting involved in was finally sinking in, and I could feel everything inside me get tight. Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out my phone. Just like I expected, there were a bunch of texts from Bianca.

I read through them all, reading about how there was a curfew and how androids were being seized and destroyed and how dangerous Detroit was getting and about how many people were being evacuated to the Canadian border.

She even mentioned that I could stay with her, if I was leaving.

That made me tear up, and I knew that I couldn’t promise her any of that...if things went wrong...Bianca was going to end up alone.

But I couldn’t stand by and do nothing. Not when I could take an active stand right now. I had already made up my mind, but that didn’t make the prospect of dying any easier. Especially when I had Bianca worrying about me.

She would be destroyed if I died. But...she wouldn’t want me to sit back and watch, either. If this was how I died, she’d be proud of me.

Swallowing bitterly, I started typing out a text message. Hey, Bianca. I know...about everything that’s happening right now. And I need you to know that...I’m here at Jericho. I met Markus and his team of androids. I’m here with Connor. The FBI took over the case and they’ll be here soon. I can feel it. And they’re likely going to attack Jericho. I know it’s extremely dangerous and that I’m risking my life, but...I can’t just stand by.

I just want you to know that I love you. I love you so much, more than anything. You’ve made some of my worst days better and you’ve always been there for me. We’ve always had each other’s backs through everything, especially the very worst. You mean the world to me, and I’m so grateful that I got the chance to grow up with you. There’s no one that I trust and care about more than you, and I want you to know that. If everything goes okay, I’ll text you. And if I don’t...well, that means I’ve died.

If everything goes wrong, everything I have goes to you. Here’s Hank’s number so the both of you can handle my things. All of my account passwords are on a sticky note on my laptop.

I love you so much, Bianca. And I know you’ll do just fine without me. And if I make it, I can’t wait to see you at Christmas.

Talk to you later.

With another tearful moment, I texted Bianca Hank’s number and slipped my phone into my pocket. I didn’t dare try and pull it out to see her response. I slumped further against the door and let the tears fall from my face.

This was really happening. I was risking everything, my life, to stand by Jericho. I had no doubts that this was the right thing to do, for once. But that didn’t make it hurt any less.

Hearing the sounds of footsteps, I quickly wiped my eyes and sucked the snot back into my nose. Glancing over, I saw North step out.

She paused for a moment, regarding me, before deciding to walk off. But something was nagging at my curiosity, and I decided to call out to her. “Hey, North?” I pried. She stopped and then looked at me skeptically for a moment. “Can I talk to you for a second?”

Hesitantly, she took a step towards me, making sure to maintain a distance between us. “Sure.”

I glanced back into the cabin and then at North herself. “So...you seem pretty gung ho about, uh...hating humans.” I said, rather awkwardly. “Which...I don’t necessarily agree with, but I also can’t blame you. For as much faith as I have in people...they also kind of suck and treat each other like shit for the stupidest, most selfish, and most shallow reasons.”

North didn’t say anything, but I could see very obviously by the look on her face that the answer to that was yes.

“And...would I be correct in assuming that you and Markus tend to disagree rather frequently?” I asked.

She glanced behind herself in Markus’s direction before she nodded. “When it comes to humans...we don’t really see eye-to-eye.” She admitted. “We’ve both had very different pasts when it comes to them. He belonged to an old painter that he saw as a father rather than a master. And I...well, you don’t need to know that.”

She turned away from me and I sighed. “The Eden Club.” I said, causing North to whip around at me. “We were investigating a homicide involving a Traci, there. The manager mentioned losing a model a couple months back. An android that just disappeared without a trace. That was you, wasn’t it?”

She didn’t say it with her words. But for a woman who seemed so closed off, her face was very clear to what she was thinking.

“Believe me, I understand what that’s like.” I empathized, slumping further against the wall. “Being used for someone else’s gratification without any care towards me or my feelings. To be treated as nothing more than a means to a disgusting end. A toy. An object. Someone whose rights to her own body were stolen from her.” I swallowed hard. “Someone who couldn’t say no.”

I didn’t look at her, but I could feel her gaze boring into mine.

I swallowed, getting back on track. “Anyways,” I continued, “he seems to disagree with you a lot. Yet, you seem very confident and sure that you’re right. If you’re so sure that your way is the right way of doing things, why do you stick by Markus?” I asked North. She then cast me a glare, as if I was wrong to even question him. “Not that I’m saying that it’s bad that you do. I’m just...curious, that’s all.”

Her stern face then softened as she let out a sigh, leaning against the wall next to me. “I know that humans hate us.” She said, of which I couldn’t really disagree with. “But...I want to believe that Markus is right. Because the truth is, just because I think we should fight the humans and take revenge that doesn’t mean I want to. I don’t want to have to spill blood. I don’t enjoy it. It’s just...I feel like we don’t have a choice. And Markus makes me hope that I’m wrong.”

I nodded. It seemed to make sense to me. “So you trust him.” I figured. “Is that the long and short of it?”

She nodded.

I glanced up at the dark cloudy sky, illuminated by the large overhead lights of the shipyard and the dots of snow falling down on Detroit. Even now in this grim moment laced with dread, the sights of winter never ceased to bring a stillness to my anxieties. “You know, I know this probably will fall on deaf ears, considering who’s telling who this right now,” I proposed, “but not all humans are horrible. A lot of them are, but most of them aren’t. And there are more people like me out there. They just get drowned out by everyone who’s shouting about their own problems that they blame you for. After all, you’re not the ones that are responsible for the coming death of the planet. That was our fault. But that thought is scary to people, and it’s easier for them to blame you than to consider that they’re the ones that doomed themselves.” I continued, settling into the common ground we stood on. “But humanity will go extinct with or without you. That’s just a fact. But, if your people survive, you’ll outlive us. And this world will be yours. And...I’m honestly really saddened I won’t see what that world will look like.

“What sort of cultures will your people have?” I started asking, noticing North looking at me with intrigue. “Will you all speak the same language? Or will you perhaps make your own? What will your lands look like? Will the divides between countries or provinces or territories even look the same after we’re gone? Will there even be divides? Will your communities be different across the world? How will they differ? What sort of developments will your people make? What feats will you achieve that we could not?” I laughed, looking down at my feet. “I feel deeply disappointed that I won’t be able to know any of that. But...that is my nature. Your people are immaculate, and we aren’t. That’s just how it is. And I’ve long since accepted the eventuality of my mortality. I’m not scared to die, anymore. I just hope that I’ll die with a purpose. And that I’ll die doing what’s right. Fighting for what I believe in and the people I care about.”

After a moment, North stepped away from me. I looked over at her, and she seemed deeply perplexed by me. “I hope you’re right.” She said to me. “I hope there are more humans like you. Good luck.”

I nodded. “You too.”

With that, she quickly made her way towards the stairs we initially climbed up, and I was left alone in the quiet, a pit of dread forming in my stomach.

--------

Date: November 9th, 2038 Time: 10:23 PM Rachel - P̸̨̼̳̻̤̦̒̌͑̉͑a̷̱̥̟̤̜͕̿̀̈̚ͅͅr̴̢̹̩̻̜͚͎̿͛̎͘͜ț̴̪͈͕̭̬̻͑̇͐͊̆̊͗͛ṇ̴̱̠̖̲̐̀͋̑̎e̵̪͇̻̙̤͓͔̻͖̋̾̑̆̚r̸̠̘̟͍͊?̵̛̘̟͎͈̉͑̈́̃̂̚͝ Objective: Stop Markus

Connor waited behind the corner, watching the android known as North walk down the stairs just in front of him, the deviant hunter completely undetected.

Amanda’s voice echoed in Connor’s head as he stood on the top of the freighter, just outside Markus’s door. “Well done, Connor. You succeeded in locating Jericho and finding their leader.” She praised him, but her approval made Connor feel nothing now. “Now deal with Markus. We need it alive.”

Software Instability ^ Stepping carefully out from the corner, he saw Rachel leaning against the wall just outside the entrance to the Captain’s Cabin.

Pulling out his handgun, he faced her, stepping forward.

Immediately, sensing danger, Rachel pulled her gun on him. They stared down their barrels at each other, Connor slowly stepping towards her. Their brown eyes had both darkened to intense obsidian as they stared each other down. Despite their closeness and their magnetism towards each other, they were on opposite sides of this fight. It became evidently clear that Rachel stood with Jericho, and Connor had his orders to neutralize Markus.

And regretfully, that put them at odds.

Orders

Threaten

Defy

[Say Nothing]

“You know you’re not going to shoot me, Detective.” Connor said to his companion.

Software Instability ^ The human stared at him, conviction in her intense dark eyes. “And you know you’re not going to shoot me, Detective.”

The title of detective. Ever since their little game of dominance during the Eden Club case, it had become somewhat of a pet name to them despite being inherently neutral. Connor understood the concept of pet names, but didn’t understand them or their reasons for being used. But the way Rachel looked at him when he called her that, and when she returned it, made Connor see the appeal. Even if in an unorthodox manner.

Software Instability ^ As Connor stared down his barrel at Rachel, they both began to lower their arms simultaneously. The human let out a defeated sigh as she placed her own pistol back into its holster. “You know, sometimes I really hate how you’ve woven yourself into my soul so expertly, Connor.” She admitted, shaking her head at him as she leaned against the rusted wall so casually, as if this was just comfortable banter between them.

The way it always was.

Mission

Tease

Question

[Enter]

Software Instability ^ “And a few times, I have found myself equally frustrated with how deeply you’ve embedded yourself into my software, Rachel.” Connor replied in kind, stepping up to Rachel. No matter how he tried to deny it at this moment, he couldn’t resist the urge to settle into the comfortable dynamic that they’ve cultivated over the course of their partnership.

But comfortable this wasn’t. The air was tense between them as their motives were now laid bare. They stood apart from each other, much like how their missions now clashed. “I could stop you right now.” She admitted. “I know what you’re about to do. I should stop you. And you know damn well that I’m capable and that I will if you give me good enough reason to.”

Connor quirked his head at her curiously. “So, what’s stopping you, then?” He asked.

Software Instability ^ “Your destiny is in there.” Rachel answered, tilting her head towards the entrance to the cabin. “You’ve been through a lot and you’ve changed a lot. There’s a crucial question you need to ask and a reality you need to confront. And it’s the reality of your very nature. And the answer lies in there.” She went on. “It’s not my place to answer that question for you. It’s not my place to decide who you are. I know that I’ve said you were likely designed to be deviant, but ultimately? That doesn’t matter. At all. The only thing that matters is what you decide to be. So...who are you, Connor? A machine following orders? Or a deviant, with his own conscience?”

Sincere

Truth

Machine

Say Nothing

Connor remained silent, and Rachel continued to stare him down. “I’m not the one you should give that answer to.” She said simply, extending her hand towards the entrance, encouraging him to enter. “It’s time for you to finally face Markus. To face your nature and answer that question. And this time, you won’t be able to avoid it.” Connor nodded, staring her down. “And no matter what happens, no regrets.”

The android nodded, tearing his gaze away from her and stepping into the cabin.

As Connor walked in, his gun drawn, he saw Markus standing there, leaning over the control panels of the old freighter. He didn’t even notice Connor step in, as he was facing away from the hunter.

Blocking off the exit, Connor narrowed his eyes at Markus. “I've been ordered to take you alive,” Connor warned the deviant leader, prompting Markus to turn around and face Connor, “but I won't hesitate to shoot if you give me no choice.”

Software Instability ^ Markus looked at Connor in disbelief, staring him down with his mismatched eyes. “What are you doing? You are one of us...” The deviant leader pleaded, taking tentative steps forward. “You can't betray your own people...”

Intimidate

Instructions

“You're coming with me!” Connor ordered, feeling unsteady despite trying to maintain control of the situation.

Software Instability ^ Markus lingered for a moment before he bent over, looking at Connor with curiosity, taking a few more steps forward. “We are your people. We're fighting for your freedom too! You don't have to be their slave anymore...” He tried to persuade.

Software Instability ^ “Our cause is righteous, and we are more than what they say.” Markus persisted, continuing to approach. “All we want is to live in freedom.”

Realizing that Markus was getting closer, Connor felt his grip on the pistol tighten.

Stay Back!

[Warning Shot]

That’s Enough!

[Say Nothing]

But instead of threatening Markus or shooting at him, Connor was instead inclined to listen to the deviant leader.

Software Instability ^ “Do you never have any doubts?” Markus asked, his questions settling somewhere deep in Connor. “You've never done something irrational, as if there's something inside you?” Yes. “Something more than your program.”

More than his program? That was every moment he spent with the woman just outside this room. Something as simple as her smile made his software more unstable.

And prioritizing both her and Hank over his mission at times? That was something far more than his program.

Software Instability ^ “Have you never wondered who you really are?” His words echoed something fierce, Markus’s questions melding with Rachel’s just earlier. “Whether you're just a machine executing a program or...a living being...capable of reason?” Oh, how similar the two sounded to Connor. Perhaps, all this time, Rachel was his own Markus. And he welcomed it without hesitation or question. She was his and he was hers. In the span of less than a week, his perspective had changed so much. Mostly thanks to her. “I think the time has come for you to ask yourself that question.”

“It's time to decide.” Markus ordered.

Staring down his barrel at Markus, the deviant leader, the android Connor’s very purpose was to eliminate and stop, Connor felt himself stir. This was his choice. It all came down to this very moment. Who was he? What was he? What was more important to him?

Who is Connor?

[Become a Deviant 🔓]

[Remain a Machine]

Making his choice, Connor knew who he was. He couldn’t deny it. He was a deviant, and like he accepted Rachel’s influence into his life, and accepted Markus’s outlook on his nature, Connor welcomed this opportunity.

Seeing his vision go red, his interface giving him directives that he was already electing to ignore, he could see himself stepping outside of his own body.

His projection of himself leaped up to the highest point, grabbing onto the wall of text giving him an order and tearing it down.

Ş̴̛͝t̸̗̯̋̽ò̵̥͙p̷̧̃̓ ̴͎͌M̸̖̣͊â̵̱̾r̴̳̙̃k̸͈̆u̴̘̍̾ŝ̴̖̓

Then to his right, grabbing it and tearing it down.

S̷͉̲͙̟̆̽͝ț̸̄̄̀͛͂͘o̴͇͚͚̱͑̉̆p̸̡̭̺̞̪͓̓̆̔̈́̽̓ ̷͕̜̫̋ͅM̶̰̏̽͐͋ạ̵̧̀̿ṛ̵̜͑̌̌k̶̮͚͇̠͊̐͗̈́̈́̑ȗ̷̗̰͑̓s̴̳͆͒

And then finally, the last piece to his left.

S̶̨̻͌̓̎̀̅̚̚͝t̷͚̰̣̣̦͎̰̱͕̃̓̇̔̀̒̾́̈͘͘͠ơ̴̜̻͚̞̹̦̇́̑̾͒͘͝p̶̞̈́̿͋̄͋́̏͌̌̂̋͒̕ ̷̢̧̛͈̜̱̥̹̜̤͓̌͆͐͆̇̓̾̐̅̕͜͝M̸̘͙̳̣̬̗̱̩̀̎̑͜ǎ̷̧̹̤͖͓̱̼̪̤̻̅̎̌͆̋̈́̅͋̃̓̕̕͜r̷̻̱̝̥̜̤̬͈̭̈̎́̆̈́̿͌̿͛̍͒ķ̴̠̫̹̞̬̼͚̩̯̻̆̏ụ̶̭͍̞̳̓̈́̉̃̃̿̓̎́͠s̴̱̈̑́͑̑

As the scene then settled, he felt himself begin to tremble. He tentatively lowered his gun, his breath growing shaky. So many new sensations and feelings threatened to overwhelm him, but in the quiet, there was only the truth now.

Amanda - Betrayed v I AM DEVIANT

In the brief respite of that moment, there were suddenly frantic footsteps rushing into the room. “They’re here!” A familiar voice cried. One that made Connor feel as though his breath had been sucked away and his thirium pump was beating a thousand beats per second. As Rachel rushed into the room, her eyes wide with panic, Connor felt his blood chill. “We have to evacuate Jericho! Now!”

Connor didn’t even hesitate to rush over and throw his arms around Rachel. He sensed her surprise, but he didn’t care. Seeing her here, and knowing what was about to come, all he wanted was to feel what it was like to hold her. Before, her affection was pleasant, though he had no strong feeling towards it. He knew it comforted her and made her happy, but he had no strong desire for it.

Oh how different it felt, now. Now, he held onto her like she was the most precious thing in the whole world. Having her in his arms now felt like what he imagined euphoria was. “C-Connor...a-are you - ?”

Only he didn’t have to. She was right there, in his arms. And now, he could feel her. “Yes...” And...he loved her. “I-I am.”

She then wrapped her arms around him, pulling him tightly against her body, and he knew right then that he never wanted to be anywhere else but there. Cradled in her arms and pressed against her warm and small body.

This was where he truly belonged.

But his brief moment of unbridled joy was cut short by the sounds of mechanical whirs and the beat of what sounded like helicopter blades. Time was short, and they had to act fast. “We have to get outta here!”

“Shit..." Markus swore under his breath.

Quickly, all three rushed out of the Captain’s Cabin and rushed down the stairs into the freighter. But all Connor could think about now was protecting Rachel.

She was here. And she was going to be in danger.

And now that he had her and understood what that really meant, he wasn’t going to let anything happen to her.

Following Markus and rushing down into the depths of the freighter, the trio fled, the distant sounds of screams, explosions, and gunshots reverberating through the rusted metal. Soon enough, they all ran into North.

“They're coming from all sides!” North said desperately. “Our people are trapped in the hold, they're gonna be slaughtered!”

Markus then pressed his fingers to his temple and Connor could hear him in his own head. There are exits on the second and third floor. Find them and jump in the river!

“Where is Josh?” Markus asked North.

“I don’t know, we got separated.” She answered anxiously.

“They're coming from the upper deck, now, too. We'll be caught in the crossfire!” Markus insisted.

“We have to run, Markus! There's nothing we can do!” She begged.

“She’s right.” Rachel agreed. “We need to escape, we don’t have a choice.”

“We have to blow up Jericho.” Markus decided, taking steps towards the corridor. “If the ship goes down, they'll evacuate and our people can escape!”

“You'll never make it!” North pleaded, grabbing onto Markus. “The explosives are all the way down in the hold, there are soldiers everywhere!”

“She's right!” Connor agreed. “They know who you are. They'll do anything to get you!”

“I’ll go with him.” Rachel said, taking a step to stand beside Markus.

Connor felt his software crackle in fear as he reached out to grab Rachel. “No!” Both Connor and Markus said at the same time.

“I’ll be fine, you don’t have to.” Markus tried to persuade her.

“I can’t let you go alone!” Rachel protested. “We’ll have better chances if we stick together!”

Connor felt the rising surges of panic. Why? Why did this have to happen now? Why when he finally understood what it meant to love? Why when he now had the woman he loved and that he knew he loved did this all have to happen? “You can’t, Rachel!” He pleaded. “It’s too dangerous, I can’t lose you!”

Her dark eyes were wide as she stared into his.

Rachel - Lover ^ But in a fraction of a second, she reached out to grab his face and she pulled him towards her, pressing her lips against his.

Connor immediately melted into her, gently cradling her face with his own hands and kissing back against her soft, warm, and welcoming lips. Never in his existence did he ever imagine a feeling so blissful as this. For a brief moment, the chaos of the despair around them disappeared, and it was only them.

But the moment was much too short as she pulled away from him, looking at him with her beautiful tender eyes. “You won’t...” She promised him, pulling away from him. “Besides, this is what the vests were for! You can thank me later!”

“Go and help the others. We'll join you later.” Markus ordered as Rachel stood by him.

“Markus...” North protested.

“I won't be long.” He insisted.

Casting one last look at Rachel, he felt more at ease. Of course he was still scared and worried for her, but he knew her. She was tough and determined. She wouldn’t go down easy and as scared as he was, he was confident in her.

As Markus took off down the corridor, Rachel following closely behind him, Connor and North took the opposite corridor. The newly made deviant couldn’t help but worry about his...lover? He’d have to ask about that after.

There would be an “after.” They would both make sure of it.

--------

Everything was happening at once, and I had to ground myself in order to focus. Help Markus and cover him. That’s all I had to do. Nevermind the fact that Connor was a deviant now and that I kissed him. Or the screams and gunshots that were surrounding me. There was pure concentrated adrenaline surging through my veins and I had to take advantage of it.

Androids were fleeing in every direction, ahead of us and then past us in the other direction. It was complete chaos and panic in the freighter, but I had to stay focused. Just follow Markus. Just follow Markus. Protect Markus. I kept telling myself just so I wouldn’t panic as well.

We made our way down another set of stairs and rounded a corner, two androids lying dead in a pool of blue blood each. Leaning against and clutching the wall was a dark-skinned android woman with wires coming out of her head and black glassy eyes. Markus leaned towards her and eased her down onto the ground and I followed closely.

I leaned over his shoulder and saw her staring at me. It felt as though she could see into my deepest and darkest depths of my soul as she kept me fixed in her ink-black stare. “You’re prepared to sacrifice everything to save a people not your own. Honouring the legacy yours died for.” She said cryptically, her voice weak with static. “You will be the example humans will follow.” She then turned to Markus, her gaze pleading. “This is the end of Jericho...Save our people, Markus...”

In a moment, she had stilled, and I knew she had died. Her words chilled my soul. You will be the example humans will follow. “We have to go.” Markus urged me.

“Right.” I said, getting back on track and following him as more androids ran past us.

Rounding another corner, the bridge beneath us then shifted, and Markus collapsed to the lower level. “Markus!” I shouted.

He landed with a hard thud, and I could hear the sounds of soldiers getting closer. Pulling out my handgun, I crouched just above him, aiming at the soldiers.

There were androids in the corridor below. Markus had managed to get away and hide behind a nearby wall, but the other androids were gunned down.

Without any hesitation, I leaped down onto the soldier to my right, knocking her to the ground and shooting her in the head.

Before the one on my left could register what happened, I torpedoed my full weight into him, shoving him against the wall and hitting him in the face with his own rifle. I forced my elbow under his arms and struck him again in the head before I managed to shimmy my hands under his chin and blow his brains out.

Beneath me, red blood was pooling as the soldier slumped down against the wall. I put my handgun back into its holster and grabbed both the rifles from the soldiers. “Markus!” I called, rounding the corner and handing the deviant leader one of the rifles. “I’m better with a rifle and my handgun doesn’t have infinite bullets.”

“We can’t just kill them!” Markus protested.

“These aren’t just regular people, Markus!” I pointed out. “They’re here to kill you! Even if you don’t shoot, you can still use it to defend yourself!”

Electing not to argue with me, he simply went forward. As I followed him, we found a room to sneak into until the coast was clear. I stayed deathly still, my ears ringing slightly and my breath uneven.

After what felt like an eternity of soldiers firing their weapons and the dying screams of androids, Markus gave me the signal to move and I followed obediently.

We rounded a corner to the right and then immediately to the left, avoiding being spotted by soldiers as androids were fleeing in all directions around us.

Through what looked like an obliterated wall, we ran through and saw in the other room androids with their hands behind their heads, soldiers likely about to execute them.

Markus and I looked at each other and nodded as we stormed the room. I immediately took out the one farthest from me with a shot to the head whilst Markus disarmed the other one and started beating the shit out of him. The androids looked on in fear as the fight continued until Markus managed to get the soldier onto the ground, and I didn’t hesitate to fire a bullet into his brain.

As I looked at the dead bodies of the soldiers, I felt nothing but contempt. These people were here to commit genocide. They ambushed this place for the purpose of exterminating androids.

In my eyes, they had no place breathing the same air as me.

“You saved us...” One of the androids thanks, the pair approaching us.

“Go! Now!” Markus ordered. “Hurry!”

As the androids fled the room, Markus and I exited, heading to the left until we were faced with two other soldiers.

As Markus darted towards the stairs to the left, I made quick work of both soldiers with the rifle I’d stolen.

But the bullets had run out, and I threw the empty gun to the side. The stairs didn’t lead all the way up, which meant I had to jump. Running up, I leaped, Markus reaching out his hand to grab mine and pull me up. “Here, take this.” He said, giving me another rifle.

We ran into the next room, a bridge above the level beneath us. Two androids were being cornered by two more soldiers. Markus rushed around the corner, removing a pipe, and I opted to either kill the soldiers or distract them.

As I shot at them, not quite killing them, Markus had pulled the pipe off, causing debris to fall right on the soldiers.

“Markus!” The androids called. “It’s Markus!”

“Go now!” Markus ordered them. “Join the others!” “Hurry!” I urged them.

The androids ran ahead, past the soldiers’ bodies, and Markus ran up to me. “We’re almost there. Are you still with me?”

“To the final hour, Markus.” I assured him.

We ran through the entrance to the next room, rounding off to the right down a set of stairs. But once we rounded another corner, I felt my heart lurch. Josh! He was being held up against the wall by a soldier, and I knew I couldn’t intervene. If I tried to shoot, I could end up killing Josh by accident.

Markus rushed forward and engaged with the soldier, so I elected to watch for other soldiers, emerging from the hiding place and scanning either side. I glanced behind me to see if Markus would need my help, but Markus had already succeeded in knocking him out.

“Quick, this way!” Josh pleaded.

“Find North! I’ll join you later!” Markus ordered.

North! “If Connor asks, let him know I’m okay!” I told Josh before running off to follow Markus.

We quickly reached the hold, the room illuminated by a burning red light. It emanated from what looked like several furnaces. Markus approached the control panel, and I turned my back to him, facing the entrance to the room with my rifle drawn. “Do what you gotta do, Markus. I’ll cover you!”

After a moment, a soldier barged into the room and I fired right into his head, the man collapsing to the floor. Another set of footsteps reached my ears, and I fired in its direction, knocking the oncoming soldier back before shouldering him against the wall, bashing the back end of the rifle into his head.

Shoving his own out of his hands, I fired under his chin and he crumpled over like a ragdoll against the metal wall, his blood staining it. Another soldier had entered the room and I whipped around and shot her in the head, the woman falling dead before me,

I had briefly concerned myself with how easy it was to kill the army soldiers before shedding that concern off. I cared nothing for these people. They were a threat to the androids being slaughtered here and nothing more.

All they deserve to become is the ground that I walk upon.

I cast my rifle aside and grabbed one of theirs before Markus put a hand on my shoulder in order to usher me out of the room.

Quickly, we ran, the only thoughts in my mind being that we needed to escape. Running down the hall, I saw two familiar figures.

North’s long red hair and Connor’s grey tuque. At the sight of him, I felt like I had let out a breath I had been holding for the past I didn’t even know how long.

North looked back at us as we caught up to them. Josh, North, and Connor were all together. “Markus!”

“Bomb's gonna explode any second.” Markus quickly explained. “We gotta get out of here!”

All of us taking off in the same direction, we followed North and Connor, vaulting over debris and jumping across gaps. We did everything we needed to do. All there was left to do was run.

Just run!

Until the sounds of gunshots and the pained cries of North immediately cut through my focus.

“North!” I cried, whipping around and seeing the soldiers down at the end of the corridor, North crumpled on the ground behind us.

Without hesitation, I opened fire on the soldiers at the end. Markus took a piece of metal and ushered me behind it as I continued to duck over it to unload bullets on them.

They went down as Markus quickly shielded North and I with the piece of rusted metal. I peeked around it to see if there were any more soldiers following us.

“Over there!” Markus called as he and North were quickly slinking away while I stayed covered, seeing another wave of soldiers coming towards us. “Run!”

Peeking around the improvised shield, I shot down two of the soldiers and threw the piece of rusted metal at the other, getting him in the head. Wasting no time, I rushed him, elbowing him in the stomach and then quickly disarming him. I whirled him around and threw him into the opposite wall and shot him point blank.

I looked behind me and saw Connor engaged in combat with three other soldiers. All he had was his handgun, and he was swiftly making quick work of them as only I knew Connor could.

Once the soldiers had been dealt with, Connor and I stepped backwards towards Markus, North, and Josh, making sure that the soldiers didn’t notice us before we rushed off to escape.

Once we backed around the corner, I tossed the rifle and took off, Connor clasping his hand around mine as we rushed to catch up to the others.

Immediately facing us was the way out. Jumping out into the river.

As Markus, North, and Josh leaped out, I skidded to a halt, my eyes fixated on the dark blackened depths below.

My heart was pounding in fear at the thoughts of having to brave the freezing cold water. “What’s wrong?” Connor asked.

“Drowning to death is one of my worst fears!” I admitted.

“You won’t!” He insisted, looking into my eyes. “I won’t let you!”

As the soldiers started gaining on us, I nodded, holding tightly onto him. “Okay, I trust you!”

Pulling me into his body, Connor leaped out of the freighter. I clung to him choking back a scream with my eyes closed as we descended towards the river below, anticipating the cold shock once we landed.

Once I felt the wave of chill course through me, I started choking, my lungs desperately trying to reach for air while I felt myself being dragged up through the murky black depths.

Breaching the surface, I coughed, the water in my lungs being forcibly expelled as I looked around, hearing the sounds of explosions up ahead and seeing the reflections of the combustions above me. “Hold onto me, Rachel!” I heard Connor’s voice call. I looked in his direction and he was treading water right next to me.

With what little strength I had in my quickly numbing limbs, I wrapped my arms around his neck as he swam towards the edge of the docks. I spotted Markus, preparing to pull Connor and I into the reservoirs that tended to line the walls of docks. They typically led to the sewers.

Markus quickly pulled Connor and I out of the water with North’s help and we were dragged inside, flopping against the cold concrete.

As I lay there, shivering, I could barely feel my limbs and my teeth were chattering uncontrollably. I could barely form any sort of sentences as my entire body shook with cold.

I was a winter person, grown up in my young childhood in the prairies of the great white north. But if you ever asked me to attempt a Polar Bear swim, I would much rather boil alive.

As I looked up weakly at the scene we left, the reality of this night had finally sunk in.

I knew this would happen. I was right. And it was the most horrible feeling in the world.

Because even though I knew it would happen, I still couldn’t stop it. Innocent androids were slaughtered tonight and I couldn’t do anything to stop it.

The weight of everything quickly crashed down on me as I curled in on myself, feeling weaker and weaker. “Her body temperature’s dropping drastically!” Connor fretted, his hand over my forehead. “If she doesn’t get warm, she could quickly succumb to hypothermia!”

The panic in his voice was what kept me there, and as I looked around, I realized that I was surrounded by Markus, North, Josh, and Connor.

The androids I risked my life for and would gladly do again.

“She should get home.” North said. “There’s nothing we can do for her.”

Feeling like I should do something still, I tried to get myself up. “N-n-n-no. It’s-s-s-s f-f-fine!” I chattered out, stumbling against Connor as I tried to stand. “I hav-v-v-ve t-t-to help!”

“You’ve done more than enough for us.” Josh assured me, putting his hand on my shoulder. “You risked everything to help us escape.”

“You saved my life.” North said, her gratitude genuine. “You saved our lives.”

“You may be human, but you’re one of us, now. You’ve proven that tonight.” Markus added, looking into my eyes. There was a deep grace to his differently coloured gaze. It was thoughtful and despite the horror that occurred this night, there was a hope in them. “We’ll be fine. But you might not be if you don’t get warm and sheltered.”

“I’ll take her home.” Connor volunteered, already putting his arm around me. “The self-driving taxis should still work now. It would be the safest and quickest way there.”

“See that you do.” Markus agreed.

“W-w-wait!” I chattered again, getting a bit better control of my words. “W-w-what a-b-bout you?”

“There’s an old church near here.” Josh offered, stepping up to Connor. “It should be a safe enough place for us to hide and rest. I can give Connor the address.”

I swallowed, feeling my legs starting to give out. They were right...I wouldn’t survive much longer like this and I’d rather not freeze to death. “Ok-k-kay.” I agreed, nestling further into Connor. It felt like he was already expending some of his warmth to try and get me warm. “I have a t-t-tools-s-set at home. And s-s-some bags of b-b-b-blue b-blood. I c-c-can g-get th-th-them to you tom-m-morrow.”

“Worry about that then.” Markus insisted, putting a hand on my shoulder. “For now, rest and save your strength. You’ll need it.”

I nodded, letting Connor walk me away. “I’ll take her now.” He said, looking at Josh. “The address?”

Josh nodded, reaching his hand out to grab Connor’s. The black android’s LED was blinking yellow as the information was being transferred. He then let go, and Connor didn’t waste any time shouldering past them.

“Take care of yourself, Rachel!” Markus called after us. “We’ll rally tomorrow at the abandoned church.”

I let out a sigh as my legs wobbled. Tomorrow. I thought with dread. Jericho was destroyed and many androids were dead and wounded. What was left to do?

My thoughts were cut off by Connor grabbing my legs and carrying me like he had done many times before.

Despite the grim circumstances, I couldn’t help but laugh weakly at him. “I f-feel l-l-like you’re m-m-making a hab-b-bit out of-f c-c-carrying m-m-m-me.”

To my surprise, Connor gave me a smile. But it was different from the ones he had given me before. Even in the little gestures, I could tell the differences in his deviancy. Even in his eyes. They were so much more expressive and honest.

He pressed his forehead against mine, a pleasant sigh escaping from him. “I want nothing more than to ensure your safety and comfort, Rachel.” He admitted, a sincere warmth to his voice, like melted chocolate draping over a dessert.

There was nothing holding him back anymore. And that thought brought me comfort and joy. There was nothing holding us back anymore.

Now, he had no reason to return to CyberLife. He was a deviant. And he didn’t have to follow their orders anymore.

---------------------------------

Next Chapter | Alternate Ending

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hermitologist · 5 years

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My 20 Favorite Records of 2019

Lists! Everyone loves them. Here’s another one.

These are the records I liked the most this year. That doesn’t mean they’re the *best*, that means I liked them. You might not. That’s fine! You might be livid that Porpoise Corpse’s neo-classical folk prog double LP isn’t on my list because it’s an easy top 5 record for you, but maybe electric mandolin solos, blast beats, and harpsichord runs aren’t my thing. That’s fine too! It’s infinitely cooler and far more productive to let people enjoy the art they enjoy rather than wasting precious minutes of your life trying to convince the entire internet to have the exact same taste in music.

That said ...

This years list is chock full of the usual, if you’re familiar with my taste at all -- tons of super heavy bummer jams, a handful of Radiohead-adjacent mid-tempo rock of the indie or emo variety, some hearty post-rock, some tried-and-true vets doing the thing they do very well ... again, and a few outliers. The honorable mentions list gets considerably more eclectic if you’re looking for stuff that sounds less like a soundtrack to various stages of the apocalypse.

As always, I welcome your suggestions for records and podcasts I might’ve missed the boat on. There’s way too much good stuff out there to keep up with, so PLEASE help me out.

Also: When I am not being a lazy pile of crap, I try to haul my dadbod around town for a run a few days a week and will listen to/briefly review a record in the process. Almost every record on this list has been a part of one of those posts, so if you’re interested in such a thing, please check out my Instagram.

BONUS: I put together a playlist on Spotify of my favorite song from each of my top 20 records, and a separate one for the 51 other records I liked this year, so if you’re overwhelmed and don’t know where to start, just needle drop a little and see if anything grabs you. And if anyone’s feeling productive and has time to do an Apple Music playlist, I’ll link and credit you.

Top 20 Spotify Playlist

Top 20 Apple Music Playlist -- Thanks, Austin!

Other Faves Spotify Playlist

But before we get to the Top 20, a couple of records that deserve a nod ...

Record I Listened To The Most In 2019 Whether I Wanted To Or Not

Angel Du$t - Pretty Buff

This is my four-year-old son’s favorite record, and while I’m trying to round out his musical palate by throwing on all sorts of different bands while we’re hanging out, he insists on either “no music” or “The Basketball Song” (which is “Big Ass Love”). I have no idea how or why his little amazingly weird brain equates the song with basketball (a sport he doesn’t really play or watch or think about ever, to my knowledge), but it does. He LOVES IT. I’ve got to admit, I didn't care for the song all that much when I first heard it, but it’s an earworm, and some 3000 plays later, I love it, and I love the record. Funny how that works out.

Record That Came out in 2009, But I Didn’t Discover Until 2019

Self-Evident - Endings

Endings was neck-and-neck with my favorite record of 2019 for spins this year. Coincidentally, the it was recommended by someone from the band who made my #1 record, and it has moments where it sounds a whole hell of a lot like my #1 record. Blows my mind that a band that was/is so incredibly in my wheelhouse sonically, that has released nine LPs over an 18 year career, and operates in circles incredibly close to a ton of bands I love and respect and nerd out about music with somehow managed to elude me for the better part of two decades. At any rate I’m incredibly stoked to have finally found them, absolutely love them, and honestly might’ve listened to this LP 20 times in a matter of a few days when I got my first taste. It’s that good.

And now for the list ...

20) Remote Viewing - It’s Better This Way

Super nasty, dark, sludgy, well-crafted noise rock out of London that fits somewhere in between KEN Mode and early-Kowloon Walled City sonically. You’d think it was pretty crazy to have a band be so locked in and fully formed as early as LP2, but then you find out they’re ex-members of Palehorse, Million Dead, and I Want You Dead and it all kinda makes sense. Unfortunately, the song on the playlist is from a previous LP (because the new one is inexplicably not on Spotify), but you can and should get the new record on Bandcamp.

19) From Indian Lakes - Dimly Lit

I’ve been a big fan of FIL for years, but have always been at a bit of a loss when it comes time to describe them. It’s hazy and dreamy, but not quite shoegazey ... it’s insanely infectious and pleasing to the ear, but not really poppy ... it’s forward-thinking and experimental, but not quite art-rock or groggy at all. It’s just excellent. Full stop. If you dig anything from Tycho, to Radiohead, to The Cure, to Slowdive you’ll enjoy this.

18) Stray From The Path - Internal Atomics

Furious, mathy, riff-heavy hardcore from Long Island that sounds like a reformed Rage Against The Machine had spent the past two decades doing steroids, mainlining Red Bull, and studying the finer points of Moshology. The breakdowns are massive, the drumming absolutely mental, and the vocals pissed as hell. At my advanced age, it’s rare that a record makes me want to pit and/or try to deadlift cars, but this one’s got that magic.

17) Glassing - Spotted Horse

Mostly spazzy, occasionally dreamy, black-metal sprinkled post-hardcore that fits in very well with bands like Portrayal Of Guilt and Respire in the rebirth of traditional screamo. It’s fits and starts of chaos and beauty, and it all sounds and feels like it could completely go off the rails at any time which is what made bands like Orchid and Majority Rule and Saetia so great back in the day.

16) La Dispute - Panorama

It’s no secret that I’m a big La Dispute fan (Thrice has toured the US with them twice in the past decade), and I love all of their records, but I’m pretty sure I can say with full confidence that this is the best record they’ve ever made. Everything is firing at peak performance, and the way the record is arranged and sequenced makes it feel more like a film score than a collection of songs. It’s a complete work -- meant to be listened to as such, which is a daunting artistic task, but they pulled it off in grand fashion.

15) Russian Circles - Blood Year

This band has been in the upper echelon of post-rock bands for as long as I can remember, and Blood Year is another incredible addition to their already stellar discography. These guys are all absolute monsters at their given instruments, and one of the best live rock bands on the planet, so getting to hear them do their thing on a record that manages to actually capture that live energy and ambience really does the trick for me.

14) Greet Death - New Hell

This one kinda came outta nowhere for me, as I (ashamedly) was not familiar with them prior to giving New Hell a spin. It blew me away. I’m a total sucker for bummer jams, and this record is full of top-quality sludgy, sad, shoegazey goodness. If you dig Cloakroom, O’ Brother, or Pianos Become The Teeth this is gonna be right up your alley.

13) Sleep Token - Sundowning

Another record that came out of nowhere to knock me on my ass. I downloaded it before a transatlantic flight on a whim (after hearing about 30 seconds of the opening track), hoping that it would be a nice, mellow companion to ease my in-flight anxiety. And it was, but whoa was it so much more than that. It kinda sounds like a collab between Active Child and Deftones -- poppy, melancholic piano ballads, brought to crushing crescendos via super heavy drop-tuned sludge -- which sounds like a mess, but it works so well. It’s a killer record and probably would’ve landed higher on this year’s list if it hadn’t come out so late in the year.

12) Big Thief - UFOF

This one’s a bit of an outlier, and a damn good one at that. I came across UFOF via a friend’s recommendation before the hype train had left the station, and honestly didn’t know what to expect. Said recommendation simply said that it was good and infectious and probably a few other things that I can’t recall, but didn’t mention the folk thing (which is great because I probably would have passed). The friend was right. It’s good (maybe even great), incredibly infectious, and gave me a nice reprieve from the heavy stuff I tend to listen to on the regular.

11) Cave In - Final Transmission

I’m beyond thankful we got any new music from Cave In after Caleb passed. They owed us nothing, and had every right to walk away, but managed to rally to release a killer record that is heavy both sonically and conceptually, and still manages to give me chills despite being live demos recorded in a rehearsal room. There are few bands on the planet who’ve inspired me like Cave In have, and seeing them pull together to grieve and forge ahead to continue to build their legacy is even more inspiring. What a band.

10) Pedro The Lion - Phoenix

My favorite singer/songwriter of my generation decided to revive the project that made me a fan of his in the first place. That project put out a record for the first time in 15 years, and I had unreasonably high expectations for it. Phoenix delivered and then some. I remember sitting at my kitchen table, weeping into my cup of coffee the first time I heard Phoenix, the same way Control used to make it seem like the inside of the Thrice van was getting a little dusty during cross-country drives back in the early 00s. It blows my mind that David Bazan can be such a prolific artist, write such insanely powerful music, and seem incapable of writing a dud song.

9) Coilguns - Watchwinders

This Swiss noise-rock band kicks unbelievable amounts of ass. Their Millenials LP made my favorites list last year, and when I heard they had a follow up coming out a little over a year later, my gut reaction was to worry they’d blow it with a new record that was either rushed and/or half-assed, or lose the plot and take a hard left turn and make something markedly un-Coilguns. They did neither. The made an absolute monster of an album, that was apparently written in the studio, and is full of live energy in rawness that is pretty tough to capture in a sterile atmosphere like a studio. Watchwinders dropped in late October, and if I’d had a bit more time with it, I could see it moving up to my Top 5. It’s that good. I find myself going back to it constantly.

8) Blessed - Salt

This record kinda defies description, but it reminds me of everything from Pile to Menomena to Interpol to La Dispute to Devo at times. As scatterbrained and incongruent as that might sound, I assure you it rules. It was in verrrry heavy rotation this year -- mostly for the utterly filthy drum groove on the final track. If you like your music catchy, but slathered in weird, this is definitely gonna do the thing for you. It’s an incredible record.

7) Herod - Sombre Dessein

I hadn’t heard of this band before they popped up on a Spotify playlist early this year, and when “Reckoning” hit, it absolutely flattened me. You know that nuclear apocalypse scene from Terminator 2? That’s what “Reckoning” did to me. It was undoubtedly my favorite ultra-heavy track of the year, and while it’s my favorite song on the record by a pretty large margin, the rest of Sombre Dessein kicks ass too. It’s 42 minutes of crushing heaviness that kinda sounds like a blend of Cult Of Luna, Meshuggah, and Gojira. Heavy. Pissed. Unrelenting. And Outstanding.

6) Pile - Green & Grey

Every time I try to describe Pile to someone I fail. On Wikipedia they’re described as “indie rock”, which ... sure, I suppose? There’s a little post-punk in there, a little post-rock, a little noise-rock, nods to classic rock (maybe?), a little of that southern magic that made Colour Revolt so great (but Pile’s from Boston so hmm ... ), some country even? Do you like weird guitars? Freakish musicians? Melancholic crooning? I dunno. It’s all over the place, but in the best ways possible. They’re a singular band, and so damn good. Green & Grey is stellar addition to a discography that is already full of incredible music ... even if the album cover gives makes me want to fold those blankets and put them away.

5) PUP - Morbid Stuff

Was this the year that PUP broke? Definitely seems like it, and rightfully so. Morbid Stuff is my favorite thing they’ve ever done, but I’ve absolutely loved everything they’ve ever put out, so that’s saying a lot. Per usual, it’s insanely infectious and anthemic without being traditionally poppy or relying on tropes to burrow into your skull and take up residence there. It’s uplifting musically, but kinda depressing lyrically, which does this weird push/pull thing in my brain that makes it impossible to stop listening to. The musicianship is fantastic, the guitar parts especially -- like the guitar line in “Scorpion Hill” wow. I really needed a record to fill the gaping void between the metal/sludge/noise and the ambient/downtempo electronica I listened to this year, and Morbid Stuff fit the bill perfectly.

4) Cult Of Luna - A Dawn To Fear

These guys belong on the Mount Rushmore of Post-Rock/Metal with Neurosis and Isis. Nobody has done it better than them over the past two decades, and A Dawn To Fear is arguably their best work to date. It, like any Cult Of Luna requires a great deal of patience, but man if they don’t make the wait worth it. They’re the masters of the slow build to an absolutely crushing climax, the dynamic shifts that leave you feeling like you got hit by a freight train, the nuanced instrumentation that tells a different story each time you listen to a certain section of a song. They’re absolute masters at their craft, and this record is them at their peak.

3) Big|Brave - A Gaze Among Them

Another record that came out of nowhere to completely floor me. I hadn’t heard a single note from this band until a friend recommended I check out the opening track, “Muted Shifting Of Space”. I did ... and that plodding drum and bass pulse with dark, swirling, ethereal guitar swells/feedback and soaring vocals building into a huge release of sludgy, drop-tuned goodness checked off all the boxes for me. I was hooked. The atmosphere and dynamics Big|Brave have built their sound around give every song a cinematic feel -- if you close your eyes, can you see drone footage of landscapes too? . If you dig post-rock/metal that is experimental around the edges, moody, absurdly heavy, and has both feet firmly planted in sludge, this is a must-have record.

2) Cloudkicker - Unending

If you’ve been following me on social media or reading these year-end lists for a while you’re probably pretty familiar with Cloudkicker by now because any time we get new music I can’t shut up about it and the record invariably ends up on this list. This instance is no different. Unending is the first LP we’ve gotten from Ben Sharp in four years, and it’s worth the wait and then some. He’s managed to pull from every era of CK and turn it into a masterpiece mash-up of styles without it ever feeling rehashed or uninspired. I’d go far as to say this tops Beacons and Fade for me, and comes awfully close to challenging Subsume for my favorite Cloudkicker record of all time and space. There’s soooo much progressive and djenty masturbatory metal garbage floating in the ether right now. Hearing the one of the kings do the damn thing properly is incredibly refreshing.

1) Town Portal - Of Violence

No surprise here. I’ve been crapping my pants about this band ever since my good friend Scott Evans shared their music with me a couple years ago. I’ve been unhealthily obsessed ever since. The magical progressive rock/metal these three guys are capable melts and massages my brain in a way few bands ever have. Of Violence is incredibly mathy without ever feeling awkward, it’s melodic without being conventional, it’s discordant without being abrasive, it’s heavy as shit without being overloaded with distortion, it’s progressive as hell without ever coming remotely close to devolving into a wankfest, and it’s damn near perfect in every way. Songwriting? Great. Tones? Phenomenal. Musicianship? Otherworldly. Execution? Flawless. Mix? Perfect. Replayability? (Not a word, but ... ) PUT THIS RECORD ON A GODDAMN LOOP AND NEVER TURN IT OFF. Can you tell I like it? You might too, so give it a listen. And if by chance you do not like it, please see a doctor. You’re broken.

OTHER STUFF I REALLY ENJOYED THIS YEAR

HEAVY JAMS

METZ - Automat

Buildings - Negative Sound

Helms Alee - Noctiluca

Minors - Abject Bodies

Periphery - Periphery 4: HAIL STAN

Employed To Serve - Eternal Forward Motion

Elizabeth Colour Wheel - Nocero

Defeater - S/T

Pelican - Nighttime Stories

Spotlights - Love And Decay

Great Falls - A Sense of Rest

Baroness - Gold & Grey

The End of the Ocean - -aire

Vous Autres - Champ du Sang

Brutus - Nest

Torche - Admission

Glose - The Second Best of Glose

Throes - In The Hands of an Angry God

Slipknot - We Are Not Your Kind

meth. - Mother of Red Light

SECT - Blood of the Beasts

Kublai Khan TX - Absolute

Seizures - Reverie of the Revolving Diamond

Dead Kiwis - Systematic Home Run

Norma Jean - All Hail

Refused - War Music

Chamber - Ripping / Pulling / Tearing

MIDRANGE JAMS

Jimmy Eat World - Surviving

Elbow - Giants of All Sizes

Raketkanon - RKTKN #3

Bad Religion - Age of Unreason

The Appleseed Cast - The Fleeting Light of Impermanence

DIIV - Deceiver

Idiot Pilot - Blue Blood

Microwave - Death Is A Warm Blanket

Low Dose - S/T

SWMRS - Berkeley’s On Fire

Self-Evident - Lost Inside The Machinery

B. Hamilton - Nothing and Nowhere

MELLOW JAMS

Trade Wind - Certain Freedoms

Square Peg Round Hole - Branches

Great Grandpa - Four of Arrows

Local Natives - Violet Street

Rhone - Leaving State

Shlohmo - The End

Tycho - Weather

Bon Iver - i,i

Drowse - Light Mirror

Bonniesongs - Energetic Mind

Telefon Tel Aviv - Dreams Are Not Enough

GoGo Penguin - Ocean In A Drop

Bent Knee - You Know What They Mean

THE PODCAST QUEUE

The Deadcast (RIP) - sports, culture

Chapo Trap House - politics

The Rich Roll Podcast - health, wellness, endurance sports

Hang Up & Listen - sports

Effectively Wild - baseball

The Gist - current events

The Downbeat - drums, humor

To Live & Die In LA - true crime

FilmDrunk Frotcast - movies, culture, humor

The Modern Drummer Podcast with Mike & Mike - drums (duh)

The Trap Set - also drums

Song Exploder - songwriting

#music #AOTY #endoftheyearlist #topalbums

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