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mostlysignssomeportents · 2 years

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The Chokepoint Capitalism tour: Ottawa, Toronto, New York, San Francisco, Los Angeles (and beyond!)

I’m writing this from a hotel room in Ottawa, the day before the first event in the tour Chokepoint Capitalism, the book Rebecca Giblin and I are about to publish with Beacon Press; this tour is a little different from the usual so I thought I’d do a post explaining how it’ll all work.

This is my first tour since the pandemic hit; I had four (!) book releases during the first year of the lockdown and did a slew of online events. In some ways, these were amazing: I could do a UK event in the morning and a US event in the evening. But I don’t think anyone — not the booksellers, nor the readers, nor the special guests who helped me out — would say they were as good as an in-person event.

A lot has changed since 2019, and not all of it is pandemic related! For one thing, Chokepoint Capitalism is a book about the problems with monopolies in the arts world, and of course we published it with an independent press. Beacon is a part of the Unitarian Universalist Association, a venerable (168 year old) (!) progressive publisher that Howard Zinn and Albert Einstein (!!) praised as essential:

http://www.beacon.org/Assets/ClientPages/History.aspx

Independent presses are amazing but they don’t have the deep pockets for publicity tours that the Big Five can tap into, so this “tour” is really a series of events added onto my own working travel — largely trips I’m taking on behalf of EFF or in support of my activist work. That means the cities involved are a bit of a grab-bag, there are some long delays between dates, and the publicity for these events is a bit fragmented.

But the events themselves promise to be great. We’ve lined up fantastic booksellers and interlocutors, and Rebecca is coming over from Australia for part of it — it’s pretty hard to catch both of us on the same continent — let alone on the same stage! — so this is shaping up to be a fantastic couple of months.

The point of Chokepoint Capitalism is to break the deadlock that traps creative workers into thinking that they have to choose between rooting for entertainment companies or tech companies in hopes that their champion will reward their loyalty. Instead of praying for the largesse of rapacious monopolists, we set out a slew of detailed, shovel-ready proposals that will immediately and profoundly benefit creators, primarily by getting them paid.

https://doctorow.medium.com/structural-adjustment-fded18104bbe

We want these events to be a forum where creators and audiences can discuss how they can help put these plans into action, producing real, tangible outcomes that shift money away from giant companies and into the pockets of the creative workers whose works drive their profits. Please help us get the word out to the creators in your life about these tour stops!

The first of these events is tomorrow, in Ottawa, Canada. Amber Mac and I will be onstage for a keynote at “Canadians Connected,” CIRA’s annual conference:

https://member.cira.ca/Events/CanadiansConnected/About.aspx?websitekey=eeca1256-0fe3-4a11-9184-3c5d92990b1c

Next is Toronto, this Friday, Sept 16, at 7PM at Type Books in the Junction, one of my favourite neighbourhoods in my hometown, and the place where my grandfather and his 9 siblings were raised. Note that I idiotically previously gave the wrong date for this.

https://www.eventbrite.ca/e/chokepoint-capitalism-book-launch-with-cory-doctorow-tickets-418144450307

On Sept 19, Rebecca and I will both be at McNally Jackson in NYC, discussing the book with Kate Judge, author of the stupendous new book “DIRECT: The Rise of the Middleman Economy and the Power of Going to the Source”:

https://www.mcnallyjackson.com/event/rebecca-giblin-and-cory-doctorow-present-chokepoint-capitalism

From Sept 21–23 I’m appearing at Unfinished Live at The Shed NYC, with panels and solo presentations on competition, interoperability and digital human rights:

https://live.unfinished.com/

On the evening of Sept 23, Rebecca and I will be joined by Nilay Patel, editor-in-chief of The Verge, at an event hosted by the Engelberg Center on Innovation Law & Policy at NYU School of Law — it’s at 7PM at the Tishman Auditorium at 40 Washington Square S:

https://www.eventbrite.com/e/chokepoint-capitalism-funtime-book-party-tickets-411552222777

We’re in San Francisco next, for a Sunday afternoon event on Sept 25 at the San Francisco Public Library’s Koret auditorium in the main branch (100 Larkin St); we’re still confirming our special guest, but they’re pretty special!

https://sfpl.org/events/2022/09/25/author-rebecca-giblin-and-cory-doctorow

Then we head back to LA, where Book Soup is sponsoring an event with David A. Goodman, who led the incredibly triumphant Hollywood writers’ strike against the private-equity backed talent agency cartel; it’s 7PM on Sept 27 at the Beverly Hills Public Library Auditorium (444 N Rexford):

https://www.booksoup.com/event/cory-doctorow-rebecca-giblin

That’s all the stuff that’s confirmed and online, but it’s not the whole tour! Rebecca and/or I and/or both of us will be doing events later this year in Boston, Ottawa (again!), Montreal, Washington DC, Miami, London, and beyond. We’ll post details once they’re live.

In the meantime, you’ve got less than two days to get in on our Kickstarter for the indie, non-Audible, DRM-free audiobook edition (you can also pre-order ebooks and print editions, as well as donating copies to libraries):

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/doctorow/chokepoint-capitalism-an-audiobook-amazon-wont-sell/

Attentive readers will have noticed that the events for this event are happening before the official publication date for the book (Sept 27); that’s because supply chain disruptions pushed the on-sale date back. But have no fear, our publisher has assured us there will be ample supplies of the book at our events.

Image: Alex Schoenfeldt Photography https://www.schoenfeldt.com

CC BY 2.0: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

[Image ID: A photo of me giving a talk at a bookstore.]

#pluralistic #events #labor #san francisco #ottawa #toronto #los angeles #New York City #libraries #creators rights

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cyberllfe · 1 year

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I’m late with the writers ask🧍🏻‍♀️

THAT BEING SAID

🎀 - give yourself a compliment about your own writing (do it again🔫🧍🏻‍♀️)

🤍 - what's one fic of yours you think people didn't "get"?

🪄 - what is your post-writing/sharing aftercare? How do you take care of yourself or celebrate yourself when you've finished a fic?

🕯️ - was there a fic that was really hard on you to write, or took you to a place you didn't think it would take you?

And an extra one I made up because I can:

👀 - Do you have any scenes of any of your fics that didn’t make it into the fic?

GLaDOS voice you monster (affectionate)

🎀 give yourself a compliment about your own writing

I’ve literally done this once this week. is that not enough for you? don’t answer that

okay: last time I talked about making writing tangible. this time I guess I want to talk about language, I guess? I try to choose words with a lot of care for feel and connotation so I can communicate the right ideas. editing for word choice feels a lot like running my fingers over sanded material looking for rough spots: I can feel the parts where the words don’t fit, and can usually find something that clicks in more smoothly.

conversely, for tense scenes where I want it to feel abrasive, I can usually find a word for that too. I love to describe, as I’m sure you can’t fail to notice. I’m actively trying to avoid being too discursive with it, so striking a balance between action and feeling and description is a work in progress.

🤍 what’s one fic of yours that you think people didn’t “get”?

I don’t know that I have a fic that fits this description, honestly, except maybe echoes and reflections on a technicality: you haven’t seen enough of the repercussions of the divergence event to see how the au will pan out compared to its original ‘verse. I don’t particularly think that’s a fair answer, though, considering it’s sat at a published prologue and that’s it.

a question of time might be an answer for a similar reason, but not because readers don’t “get” it, so much that I just… haven’t told you everything yet. I’ve been purposefully holding some things back so that, post-finale, if/when you reread the earlier stuff should feel different. I want it tainted by your knowledge of where the story ends up. I want you to see the whole story in a different light for having finished it. I want it to echo in your mind when I’m done.

I… should probably finish writing chapter 8.

🪄 what is you post-writing/sharing aftercare? How to you take care of yourself/celebrate yourself after you’ve finished a fic?

ohhh alright so. I don’t do much in terms of celebrating, really, though I’m usually very happy to publish. it’s exciting. I tend to take a few minutes to reflect, sift through my notes and save them. I save a finalised copy of published fic/chapter bc inevitably I change stuff on the final edit that isn’t in my working doc. then I kinda just coast on vibes for a while. listen to music. think about where I’m headed next

🕯️was there a fic that was really hard on you to write, or took you to a place you didn’t think it would take you?

hard? less so, but last call surprised me. I was expecting a quick 5k pwp about Connor banging someone in a bar bathroom and I did not write that

when I started writing it I ended up hitting a block with character personalities, which has already pretty much solidified in my mind, which meant I had to resolve their various flavours of idiocy before I could get to the smut fun part. it ended up being a lot longer and a lot more emotional than I expected, and get a much warmer reception than I thought it would too.

it’s a very self-contained setting too, which was not intentional, and that surprise me but in hindsight—I really didn’t notice that we don’t leave the bar until after I’d finished writing it.

👀 do you have any scenes of any of your fics that didn’t make it into the fic?

oh this is rude bc you KNOW the answer is yes. I write a lot of background that doesn’t make it into the fics, extras that clarify background conversations to help me get ‘voice’ right, or to help make sure I can keep the continuity of non-POV characters’ plot lines. I’ll give you a couple of examples because I’m a tease, but if you want anything more you’re gonna have to ask very nicely

towards the end of last call you’ll find this:

Face under control, or so you hope, you sweep your eyes down the bar. You’re caught at once by Hank and Connor, stuck in an animated conversation that looks very much like an argument. Neither has noticed you.

On your approach you find you can hear nothing at all of what Connor is saying, but the pitch of Hank’s voice carries further. You catch tone first, then words, but the only part that make sense is the phrase something about it spoken as an exasperated rhetorical question, and a softer if you’re sure.

Hank spots you, after that, so you raise a hand in greeting, as you usually do, and bring him the drink he hadn’t had chance to order before.

Neither Hank nor Connor seems to suspect you overheard part of their conversation, but Connor at least still seems lost in thought. Hank and Ben bicker amicably, discussing the music, some case from work, the Gears game from last week.

wonder what they’re discussing? well, Connor mentions it later, but I wrote the conversation in full at some point — Connor doubting himself, Hank telling him that after everything that happened, if he wanted something more than friendship, he was going to have to make that abundantly clear.

sketched out but not fully written as well was Hank scheming a little with Jo: asking about the stock check, how long it would take, was it near the back office behind that sticky door… commenting that it must be quiet back there… laughing into his drink when Connor has his own little lightbulb moment. Connor knows all of this, of course, but takes it a intended: encouragement to, in Hank’s words, do something about it… if you’re sure this is what you want. ✨

a question of time has a BUNCH of loops ideas I didn’t use, but some I’m planning on showing as fragments or messing with more in the finale, so you’re not getting any of that; I have a lot of subsequent notes for let him hear because I got far too carried away with that fic. I have a LOAD of backstory half-written for unbruised, mostly relating to what became of Jericho and it’s people, the fall of CyberLife, and Talia’s association with Connor and Sixty. I wanted good solid groundwork for plot but it’s unlikely to make it into the fic—it doesn’t add much, it’s just useful for little fragments when I need to give context to those relationships.

lastly, and most recently: made for me.

two things I half wrote but didn’t include: nines’ phone call when we meet him for the second time, who he was talking to, what they were talking about; then, later, his entire conversation with Sixty while the others are out of the room and can’t hear them. Let’s say Sixty is perceptive in a way that Nines rather wishes he wasn’t. 😏 He knooooooows that Nines is up to no good ✨

send me an emoji from this fic writer ask meme✨

#I knew this would be long. raya this is your fault #misc: fan works #misc: ask meme #blurredout10 #I have so many little fragments I’ve cut #it’s borderline concerning #asks #KISSING YOU #filthy like tho #😏

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thissacrificeisnecxesary · 1 month

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Roman sec uhhhhhhh. Sex Is scary = make jokes about it? I don’t know. I mean all of his sexual encounters revolve around shame which I guess is pretty common. Traumatized children sexual violence and whatnot. But it’s. Taken an odd shape. I guess he enjoys dynamics with plausible deniability, aswell as excessive force. So odd. It’s such an odd combination because it’s like. Everything Roman does and says makes you want to point to his childhood and figure out when and where someone did something so awful to him that he turned into this freak. But he also seems like he doesn’t have any ‘real’ or tangible trauma. It’s like, floaty and kind of nothing which I guess could mean either much of his childhood is supposed to be incoherent cause he forgor 1 point for sexual violence, or, he has some kind of jacked up autistic cptd from a series of ‘minor’ events. Meaning that you can’t really point to any particular moment or action and link it to his behavior, it’s kind of just all of it. So did Roman get molested or did he just grow up in an environment curated by logan that insisted upon some really fucking weird shit regarding sex and gender. Cause I mean. Like. Logan repeatedly cheats on both of his wives with young women, and this is something the kids are familiar and aware of which to me at least suggests according to the timeline of Carolina and logan’s marriage that they were aware of logan’s innapropriate conduct from a fairly young age (early/mid teens?)

But what does that have to do with cucking????

I also think Roman is gay but only for or mostly for the shame aspect of it, not because he necessarily is interested in men, like, it’s an internalized homophobia thing. I guess it’s clear his one defense, to the point that it seems almost compulsive is to sexualize the stuff that makes him wanna scream and rip his hair out, which. Is. Well adjusted behavior!!!!!!

Mommy Carolina is pretty neglectful but to be fair, like, it is implied Roman often was sent alone to spend time with his mother and though he was alongside shiv she had kind of surpassed him developmentally pretty early on, while Kendall was getting groomed by logan during their vacation shiv had to sort of train herself. And Roman being the baby he is just kind of. Didn’t. So he falls behind but it’s fine. He’s a spare. How are you gonna make this come back to cucking. Oh yeah. So. He. He spends. A lotta time with mommy right as a result of not having any goals regarding logan and spending the most time with mommy he ends up kind of. Arrested development a little. Baby Kieran culkin. Baby Hitler. He still wants to be included though treehouse and whatever. And he has skills I just. I don’t wanna dumb down Roman I just thinks it’s really really imperative to his character that you view him like a child. Like. I beleive that he does not have the mental faculties to control his actions and should not have the amount of power he unfortunately has. Which is true for all the sibs it’s just. Especially clear in Roman I don’t know. He’s like the fuckin Henry Kissinger of this operation. Hey! We’re getting off topic fucking stupid dyke! Cucking!!!’

GOD. I can just spend an eternity trying to figure out his sex issues and not coming up with an answer. I just think himgetting molested is too easy. But he is a culkin. Maybe that’s the deal? Like. To be fair. He is passed around a lot. The thing about Roman is consistently logan makes a habit of sending Roman off to be watched elsewhere. Like he’s almost aware of the fact that Roman should be supervised but he doesn’t wanna fuckin deal with him. So I imagine Roman was often handed off to the first person who would offer childcare. Which, especially considering logan’s connection to the cruises situation maybe makes it seem like it’s possible Roman got a little sex trafficked. It wouldn’t be totally out of bounds narrative wise considering logan is a big king-y and they definitely were doing that shit. Renting out your spare son to pedophiles and shit. But I don’t know. It’s too linear for him, maybe we’re taking it a bit far. I guess I just mean. Roman’s behavior to me is indicative of long term like, implementation of fuck shit sex wise in his child brain. Like. Not me disarming assault but just the kind of careless neglect that can happen. Where it’s kind of like, Drew Barrymore yaknow? Psycho fucking rich people think it’s fun to give the toddler vodka, and do. Whatever. I don’t know. I just can’t. Validate something that dark happening to him. Weirdly/ like I dunno maybe it’s cause he’s rich or something but I just. Don’t have it in me to beleive he was abused in a way that is traditional or coherent. Especially when you compare the way he is to his siblings, he seems affected in a very particular way which says to me that part of this is coming from his own brain. Bpd! Maybe? I dunno what am I. The whole point is. Don’t do that you just. You know what I mean

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molloyxrswalters · 2 years

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serendipitous-magic · 3 years

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What is your writing advice for young people who want to write fanfiction and original stories in the near future?

If this is just Way Too Much, skip to the end (#16). My most important piece of advice is there. I also happen to think #5 is pretty good.

-_-_-_-

1) Literally just write. Write whatever you want, and do a lot of it.

_-_

2) You don’t have to post everything. In fact you don’t have to post anything. You can, don’t get me wrong, but it can be intimidating to sit down and think “I will now write something that other people will see and read and judge with their eyeballs.” Because that’s probably gonna lead to nerves and writer's block. Just write down the ideas that you have, the things you want to write, whatever’s in your brain that you want to explore and expand upon and make into something. And then if you want to, share it. Or don’t share it. I have plenty of half-baked ideas and documents and random story chapters and shit hidden away on my Google Drive that will never see the light of day, for a whole number of reasons. I wanted to write it but it wasn’t ~Spicy~ enough to warrant posting, or it’s only like an eighth of a good idea, or it’s like one scene with no story around it, or it’s just something incredibly self-indulgent I just wanted to write for my own enjoyment.

Point being, don’t write for other people. Don’t write so that other people can read it; write what you want, write for yourself, and then if you want to share it, do.

_-_

3) You can pretty much ignore any and all of these for fanfiction. In fact, you can ignore pretty much any rules or guidelines you want for fanfiction. Fanfic is a sandbox. You don’t have to be a “professional writer” to post fic. No one expects you to be Stephen King or Margaret Atwood. Fanfic is just for playing in a fandom and having fun. If you wanna write a 50 chapter slow burn with very little plot aside from the OTP slowly getting to know each other, and no real stakes or central conflict, I guarantee people would read that. Really, fanfiction is the Old West of writing: lawless, wild, unpredictable, and free.

However, here are the rules you must follow:

-Separate your paragraphs. (I’m sure you know this already, but I’m gonna say it anyway just in case.) Do not post one big block of text. Make a paragraph break when someone new is talking, when the characters are in a new place, when a new event occurs that changes the scene, when a chunk of time has passed, and when there’s a major change in subject.

-I know it’s obvious, but... grammar, punctuation, and capitalization. They exist to make writing easy for readers to read, and more people will read your stuff if they don’t have to stop and try to figure out what you meant.

-Use tags and labels, as is possible with whatever site you’re using. Especially if you include possibly triggering content in your story. Again, I know it’s obvious, but it’s common courtesy. Bonus: tagging the themes and content of your story helps readers find it and read it :)

-If possible, limit the use of all-caps and exclamation marks / question marks. 99% of the time, one ! or one ? will do. If you overload the page with a lot of all-caps and long rows of exclamation marks or question marks, it hampers readability.

... That’s literally all I can think of. And, like I said, it’s all pretty basic stuff. You were probably rolling your eyes like, “Uh, yeah, Gwen, I know.” But that’s literally it. You can pretty much do whatever you want in fanfic.

That being said, here’s my advice for both fanfiction and original work...

_-_

4) A quick and dirty rule for coming up with a plot, starting a story, keeping up pacing, or maintaining tension: figure out what dreams, desires, and goals are nearest and dearest to your main character’s heart (see #16). Then set up the main conflict to be directly in opposition to that goal. It doesn’t have to be in a tangible way, though it could be. But, if your main character wants more than anything to reach the ships on the southern coast of your world and sail to a new life, make sure the main conflict immediately prevents them from doing that - in fact, make sure to send them north. If your main character just wants to keep their loved ones safe, kidnap the loved ones. If your main character just wants to date their best-friend-turned-crush, make sure they think they have no chance - or, make them cocky about it, and make sure it makes Person B determined not to ever like them. You get it. Figure out what your character most wants, and then keep them from having that. Boom - your conflict now ties in with your character's motivation. It's like instant yeast for plots.

_-_

5) If you’re anything like me, you want your first draft to be Good, despite all that advice about how the first draft doesn’t have to be good and it’s just to get words on the page, yadda yadda. And if you’re somewhat of a perfectionist (like myself), it’s easy to get stuck looking at a blank page because you don’t have The Perfect Words, and you want what you write to be Good the first time.

Here’s how I cheat that:

Instead of trying to write a Good First Draft from a blank page, hit the enter key a few times, skip a little down on the page, change your ink to red (or blue, or whatever - just something immediately identifiable as Not Black) and just thought vomit. Write whatever the hell you’re thinking, exactly as you think it. Don’t worry about it being readable, don’t worry about narrative flow for now, don’t worry about covering all the details, don’t worry about anything except either a) getting all the details of your idea out onto the page, whether that’s a lot or whether it’s just a sentence or two, or b) if you don’t have an idea yet, finding your way there.

Because this method is also very good for finding your way to ideas when you’re stuck in writer’s block.

Because of how human brains work, getting this stuff out onto the page - in all its messy, stream-of-consciousness glory - will likely spark more thoughts. As you write your original idea about the scene, it’ll likely spark more ideas. Creation begets creation. If you just start thought-vomiting your ideas onto the page, chances are you’ll think of more things as you go, and you’ll start filling out description or dialogue or tone or action or whatever, and pretty soon the scene starts writing itself.

Not sure where you’re going with the scene or which ideas you wanna use? Use a lot of ambivalent language in your “thought-vomit draft.” My pre-writing notes are chock-full of the words “maybe,” “perhaps,” and the phrases, “At some point...” and “...or something like that.” In this way, I don’t tie myself down to one idea; it’s just an idea, and I’m keeping it on the page in case I use it, but I might chuck it in the trash or change it or whatever.

And then, once your ideas for the scene (or story, or chapter, or whatever) are on the page, then go back to the top and start translating them into a “real” first draft. Use black ink, and start copy-pasting chunks of the thought-vomit up into the top part of the document and translating them into Draft 1. Separate out paragraphs where paragraph breaks should be. Add the correct punctuation and whatnot. Change “describe the lobby here - include potted plants, fancy carpet, blood stain, etc.” into an actual description of the lobby. Flesh it out, or condense, or whatever it needs. And if you’re still stuck, change back to red ink and ramble some more until you find a path that feels right, then plug that in. This keeps you from looking at a blank page, and it allows you to generate a kind of Draft 0.5, somewhere between a plan and a first draft.

You don’t have to use every idea. Like I said, jot down whatever comes to mind, put a “maybe” before or after it, and keep working. If the idea grabs you and you wanna keep expanding on it and exploring it, cool. If you just wanna jot it down so you don’t forget it and then move on, also cool. Red-ink draft / “thought-vomit draft” is your time to jump around in the timeline, add or finesse details at whatever point your brain moves to, etc. Don’t try to do it exactly in story order, because you will get tangential thoughts and ideas, and you will not remember to write them down five pages later when you finally get to taking notes on that scene. Trust me. On that note...

_-_

6) Write everything down the moment you think of it. Seriously.

“I’ll remember it when I get around to writing that scene in a couple days / weeks / months (/years).”

You won’t.

Write it down.

Phone, journal, google docs - hell, my family regularly laughs at me for grabbing a napkin during dinner and scribbling thoughts down alongside pasta sauce stains.

And then, once you have it written down somewhere...

_-_

7) Consolidate your writing ideas in one place.

Maybe this isn’t really your style, and that’s totally chill.

Buuuut, if you’re Type-A like me - or if you tend to be somewhat unorganized and you know you’ll lose track of your writing notes if they’re scattered across multiple notebooks, journals, napkins, phone notes, etc. - having one consolidated document of notes is a life saver. I keep mine on Google Docs so I can access it, add to it, and look through it for inspiration anywhere at any time. When I have one of those Shower Thoughts that I jot down on my phone or on a napkin during dinner, I set myself a reminder on my phone to type it up in my Story Ideas document later.

(Or, if the idea I had was for a story of mine that I’ve already started planning / drafting / whatever, I put it in the document for that story instead of the Big Random Story Ideas doc. You get it.)

_-_

8) Have other ways to collect and save writing ideas, besides just writing stuff down. If you like Pinterest, make pinterest boards of your characters or stories or settings or whatever. If you’re big into playlists, make a playlist for your character / setting / story / etc. Or both. Or something else. I’m not good at drawing, but maybe you are, and maybe you like to draw your ideas. Whatever form it takes, having another way to save ideas and think about your stories is invaluable.

_-_

9) Some writers can just start writing with no idea where the story is going, and they just kind of figure it out as they go. I envy those writers. And I do that sometimes for fanfiction, where the stakes are somewhat lower and the audience is reading more for scene-to-scene enjoyment (and to see their OTP kiss) than for a Driving And Compelling Narrative.

But here’s the thing: especially if you’re just kind of starting out, writing without some sort of plan is really, really hard, and will likely lead you into a slow, meandering narrative that will likely frustrate you.

Even if you think you’re someone that just can’t write with a plan (and again, I have the highest respect for pansters out there - I don’t know how you do it, you crazy bastards, but you keep doing you) - even if you think “I can’t work with plans, they’re too prescriptive, I just want to write and see what happens -”

Try at least making the most skeletal of plans.

Even if you have no clue what 90% of the story is, yet. That’s fine. But you need to have some idea of what you’re building to, even if that’s nothing more specific than a feeling, or a turning point for your character. Even if your entire plan for everything beyond Chapter 1 is, “At some point, Charlie needs to realize that Ed was lying to her.”

This is where those Draft 0.5 notes come in handy. Because, more than likely, working on your current scene that way will spark ideas for later scenes, which you can put down at the bottom of the document and save for when they become relevant. In my experience, the line between planning ahead and making a Draft 0.5 is exceptionally thin. One can quickly turn into the other.

If you’re really, really resistant to the idea of planning ahead, that’s okay. It’s not everybody’s style. But for the love of all that is holy, write down your ideas for future scenes, even if you’re a person that doesn’t like to plan and writes only in story order, because you will not remember that idea once you get to that scene.

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10) You don’t have to write in order.

Here’s the thing: I’m a person that can only do my Draft 1 in story order (meaning, chronological order). I just have to be in that flow; I need to write in story order for me to best channel where the character is at from scene to scene, both narratively and emotionally.

But my Thought Vomit Draft is another thing entirely. By using the brain hack of putting my notes in red (or another color, it doesn’t matter) and going down to the bottom of the document / page and taking notes there, and then integrating them into whatever plan I have, and then translating them into Draft 1 once I get there in the story - by doing that, I can get my good ideas onto the page (and expound upon them and let my muse carry me and ride that momentum while I’m in the moment of inspiration) without writing out of order.

Maybe that’s just me. But if you’re a person who really prefers to write in story order, that could be hugely helpful to you. It is to me.

_-_

11) Emotion and motivation will do more for your story than technicalities of plot.

If your characters really care about something, and their journey through the (shaky or weak) plot is emotionally engaging, it will be a much more compelling story than a story with a “perfect” plot and unrelatable or unmotivated characters.

If your characters care about what they’re doing, and it means something to them, and their goals and actions are driven by dreams or fears or emotions that are integral to who they are, your audience will care too. If you have a perfectly crafted plot that hits all the right beats and has high stakes and fast pacing and drama - but your characters don’t connect with what’s happening in a way that’s deeply meaningful or emotional for them? You’re gonna have a hard time engaging readers.

When in doubt, prioritize character emotion and motivation over plot. Emotion is what drives story.

This power is highly exploitable. (Just look at pulp novels and shitty but entertaining movies.) You can even use it to glaze over plot holes or reinvigorate a limp narrative. Use it that way sparingly, though. It’s a band-aid, not a surgery.

_-_

12) Evil villains are hard to write - mostly because there are very few truly evil people in the world. (There are a few. Billionaires and several big name politicians come to mind.) But by and large, there aren’t that many evil people. There are plenty of bad people, but bad people have some good in them, somewhere in there. Trying to write an evil villain is hard, because they often turn very cartoony.

Here’s a tip: it’s much easier to write antagonists who aren’t evil. Even if they’re bad people. Of course, there’s no reason you can’t write a villain that’s just truly evil - a serial killer, or an abuser, or a billionaire, or someone who legit just wants to hurt people or blow up the earth or stay in control of an oppressed population, or whatever. But chances are, it’s gonna be really hard to make them feel real, and even harder to create a plot around them that doesn’t feel forced or contrived.

Instead, try writing an antagonist / villain whose motivations and goals directly clash with your protagonist’s - but not because they want to take over the world or see people suffer. Write an antagonist who’s chaotic good, but whose perception of the situation is completely opposite from your hero’s. Write an antagonist whose only desire is to save people, and who will do anything to achieve that goal - anything. Write an antagonist who believes in the letter of the law, and will hinder and oppose the hero’s methods even if they agree with the hero’s motivation. Write an antagonist who got in way over their head and did some things they regret, and now they don’t know how to get out, and they’re doing their best but whatever they set in motion is too powerful for them to stop now.

Write villains who are human. Write a killer who thought they were doing the right thing by taking their victim out of the equation, who vomits at the sight of the body and sobs over the grave they dig. Write a government leader who truly believes she’s doing what’s best for her people in the long-term, even if it might hurt them in the short term, and is willing to endure the hatred and belligerence of the masses if it means securing what she thinks is a better future for her people. Write a teenage bully that thinks they’re the one being picked on by the world, and they’re just fighting back, standing their ground. Write a scientist who will break any code of ethics and hurt anyone he needs to - in order to bring back his baby sister from the grave, because he promised her he’d protect her and he failed. Write an antagonist who is selfish and self-centered and capricious - because in order to survive they had to look out for Number One, and that habit ain’t about to break anytime soon.

Write villains who aren’t even villains. Write antagonists who oppose the hero because of moral differences. Write antagonists who are trying to do the right thing. Write antagonists who treat the heroes with kindness and dignity and respect and gentleness.

They don’t have to be good. They don’t have to be Misunderstood Sweethearts who “deserve” a redemption arc. They can be cruel and nasty and dismissive and callous and violent and etc. etc.

Just hesitate before you make them Evil-with-a-capital-E. Because evil is hard to write, and honestly, boring to read. Flawed human beings with goals and motivations that directly oppose the main characters’ are much easier to write and much more interesting to read.

Ask why. Why is your villain trying to take over the world? What does that even mean? Are they trying to create a Star-Trek-like post-capitalism utopia, but they know that won’t happen in a million lifetimes, so they’re trying to do it by force? Are they actually super in favor of human rights, but they got very impatient waiting for the world to do anything about poverty and war, so they decided to take it into their own hands? Are they determined to fix the world - no matter the cost? Are they terrified and overwhelmed, but committed to see it through to the end? Or - maybe they’re just doing it on a dare. Maybe they don’t really give a shit about world domination, they were just a mediocre rich white guy who decided to fuck around and find out, and now he’s kind of curious how far he can take this thing. And now he’s kind of an internationally-wanted criminal, so he’s kind of stuck living on his hidden private island in his multi-billion dollar secret base, strapping lasers to sharks’ heads for the hell of it. Gross, selfish, uncaring, and dangerous? For sure. Evil? Depends on your definition. See, now we’re getting somewhere.

_-_

13) It’s tempting to let the plot control the characters. It’s easy to drop your characters into a situation and see how they react. But here’s the thing: that doesn’t drive plot. In fact, it bogs down pacing. Instead, try to build you plot off of your characters’ actions and decisions. Let your character build their own situation. Not to say it should go they way they wanted it to go; in fact, usually, their grand plans should go to hell very quickly. But having the characters take action and make decisions, and letting the plot develop based on that, is much easier to make compelling than making a rigid series of events and then trying to herd your characters into them.

_-_

14) Having trouble justifying a character’s actions? Consider having them make the opposite decision, or having them approach the situation in a different way. For example: you need your character to go meet the bad guy, for plot reasons, even though there’s no way it’s not a trap. If the character goes, readers are gonna be groaning with their head in their hands, because c’mon man, that was really fucking stupid. But he’s gotta go, because the plot needs that. Two ways you might handle this: a) He knows it’s probably a trap. He decides not to go. The plot conspires to get him near the villain anyway. Or, b) He knows it’s a trap. But he needs to go, for (insert reasons here). So, he approaches it in an unexpected way. He brings backup, recruiting a side character we met earlier in the story. Or he arrives on the back of a dragon, because ain’t nobody gonna fuck with a dude on a dragon. Or he goes - early, and ambushes the villain. It may work, it may not. He may get himself kidnapped anyway. But it moves the plot along without having Stupid Hero Syndrome.

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15) This is a legit piece of advice: if all of this sounds overwhelming, literally just ignore it and write what you want. For real. Writing should be fun, and every single writer operates differently. If you’re sitting here like “I’m getting stressed just reading this,” just flip me a good-natured bird and get on with your life. I promise I won’t take it personally. Same goes for literally any other writing advice you see. Lots of rules and guidelines can very quickly make anything thoroughly un-fun. Just write. If you’re passionate about it and you do it for long enough, you’ll start figuring out the tips and tricks on your own.

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16) Here’s the best piece of advice I can give you: know your characters. More importantly, know what’s important to them. Build their personality and decisions off of that, and build your plot off of their decisions.

I see a lot of character building sheets that ask a shit-ton of questions like “What’s their most prized possession?” “Do they like their family?” “What’s their favorite food?”

And while these are good questions, my problem with this type of character building is that if you start there, with the little stuff, you’re building on nothing. IMO, to make a truly strong character (not strong like Inner Strength, strong like effective), you need a strong foundation.

Here are the things you must know about your character:

a) What are their greatest fears / deepest insecurities? And I don’t mean “wasps” or “heights.” I mean the deep shit. I mean fears like “living a meaningless life,” or “turning out just like their parents,” or “that no one will ever love them,” or “being powerless.” You may say, “But they’re really scared of wasps! They fall into a wasp nest when they were little and got stung so much they almost died!” Great! That’s a fantastic bit of backstory. They should absolutely be afraid of wasps, and that should absolutely be an impediment later in the story. But dig deeper. What about that event actually scarred them? Was it the helplessness? Stumbling around, swatting at the air, not being able to do a single thing to stop what was happening to them? Was it that they were alone, and no matter how loud they screamed, no one was coming? Was it the bodily horror of feeling themself turn into an inhuman creature as they swelled up from the stings, unable to move their fingers or face normally anymore?

And don’t forget insecurities, because those factor in, too. Are they deeply insecure about their identity? Do they believe, deep down, that they’re ugly? Did they grow up poor and they’ve always been really touchy about that? Why? Dig deep. Figure out what really, really bothers them.

b) What are their hopes and dreams? What do they truly want out of life? What do they consider the most valuable to their experience here in this thing called life? Is it the freedom to forge their own path and be independent? Is it the approval of their family or peers? Is it a home? Is it knowledge, or understanding? Spiritual fulfillment? Is it deeply important to them that they contribute to their community, or protect those they love? What do they need in order to feel truly and deeply fulfilled in life?

Figure out those two things (each one encompasses several things, btw, you don’t have to stop at just one for each), and then use that to inform how they behave and the types of decisions they make within the story.

It also informs character behavior and personality.

Let’s say we have a character who’s afraid of helplessness. They’re probably gonna be the person that always wants to do something, try something, no matter how hopeless the situation seems. They’d despise just sitting and waiting, probably, because it makes them feel powerless. They might even be the person that makes rash decisions and acts impulsively and puts themself in danger unnecessarily, because in their mind it’s better than being at the mercy of fate. This is one way you could use a character’s personality to inform their decisions, which in turn helps to inform plot.

Or, let’s say we have a character whose greatest fear is being left behind or forgotten. We may have a chatterbox on our hands. They might be obnoxious. They might love the spotlight, constantly vying for attention no matter the situation, because deep down they’re so afraid that they’d be forgotten otherwise. Or, it may go the opposite way. They may be so afraid of people leaving them that they’re terrified of bothering people. They don’t want to do anything that could annoy people, anything that might give people a reason to leave them. They might be exceedingly polite, quiet, accommodating. A push-over, really.

These are two nearly opposite types of personalities, both stemming from the same core fear/insecurity. You can go a lot of different ways with it. But if you build on that strong foundation, you’ll have a strong character, and a stronger plot.

Likewise, the structure of your story can and should inform the design of these character traits. If you need your characters to team up near the end, it may be impactful if you give your main character a deep fear of commitment, an insecurity about being unwanted or left behind, and make them highly value independence and freedom. That could make their team-up for the final battle very meaningful. Conversely, you can use your character’s deepest fears and desires to help design the plot. Is your character deeply insecure about voicing their opinions or taking a stand, because of trauma they faced in the past? Make them face that. Build that into the climactic third act. Give them the big inspirational speech where they stand up and talk about what they believe to be important, what they think the group should do. And then design that character arc to run through the story, giving you more handholds and stepping stones, more pieces of foundation on which to design the plot.

In this way, character should inform story as much as story informs character. It’s a feedback loop.

Bonus: if you build your character and your plot off of each other in this way, it automatically starts to build in the foundations of that emotional investment I mentioned earlier. If your character’s decisions are based on what they most want and do not want in life, you basically have your character motivation and stakes pre-built.

Note: you need to know these things about your villain, too.

-_-_-

I’m genuinely sorry about the length of this, lmao. But you did ask.

Best of luck!

Edit: I forgot an important one:

17) Start when the scene starts and end when the scene ends.

What do I mean by that?

If your notes say “Danny asks Nicole out after school and majorly flubs it,” start the scene when Danny approaches Nicole after school. Better yet, cold-open the scene on “I was wondering if, you know, you’d wanna. You know. Hang out some time?”

Don’t start that morning when Danny goes to school, unless you’re gonna cover the school day in like one or two sentences. Don’t spend whole paragraphs going through the school day, unless it’s to cover other plot points first (in which case apply these same guidelines there), or if the paragraphs are there for a specific reason, like to illustrate how stressed he is and how it seems like every little thing is going wrong. Even then, trim the fat as much as possible. Expounding and describing everything Moment-to-moment is for the meat of the scenes, not the leading-up-to and coming-away-from.

Here’s my rule of thumb: study how and when movies cut from scene to scene. Movies have exceptionally strict, limited time for storytelling; they’re excellent examples of starting a scene when the plot point starts and ending when it’s over. If you can’t picture a movie showing everything you showed, start the scene later and end it earlier.

#asks #anon #writing advice #writing tips #writing #fanfic writing #fanfiction #character creation #plot development #character development #my advice #original writing

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eponymous-rose · 3 years

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Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E127 (March 2, 2021)

Tonight’s guests are, of course, Ashley Johnson and Marisha Ray!

Marisha, on her thought process behind the date: “It was a fascinating study on designing something with another player in trying to navigating how to do that in a way that makes sense and wouldn’t be too metagamey or overly scripted or anything like that. I had a bunch of ideas thought out, then I just typed it out and sent it over to him, and then he interpreted it as such.” Liam had ideas, but Marisha wanted him to keep the details a surprise. The theme of “let’s start over” was the leading motif for the design. Three acts: pre-game cocktails at the Nestled Nook, picnic in a field of Xhorhasian wildflowers, and then close it with after-dinner drinks and hot tub at the Steam’s Respite. And the very last thing was “and all the cats were dogs”. Brian: “What was his response to that?” Marisha: “He texted me and was like, ‘Are you serious or is this dog thing a joke?’”

Ashley is asked what it was like to know it was coming but not know the specifics. “For both of us, I don’t think we thought it was going to be right then. I think because it’s been so long in the relationship between Beau and Yasha and it felt like such a natural progression for the two of them, and they’re both awkward together. I think there was something to just being thrown into it.” She spent time thinking about what things Yasha would talk to Beau about on a date. “We got to maybe one of them. It was just so fun! Exploring romance in D&D can be super weird, especially when you’re streaming. But it felt like that’s where our characters were going. There was that excitement of trying something that is out of my comfort zone, and I think so much of Marisha was part of that, as being the initiator as Beau, where I was like, okay, this is where it’s going it. Let’s do it, let’s see what happens!” She mentions how “fun and freeing” it is to trust your improv partner in something like this.

Marisha: “I just wanted Beau to be a fuckboi!” But she highlights that it’s hard to deny the deeper connections that come up in D&D scenarios. “They’ve been with each other through so much that it’s difficult to deny when those bonds start to happen.” She texted Liam in a panic before the game. “What do I wear? And he said, ‘In the game or in real life?’ Both!”

Marisha was expecting a Sam curveball at some point. “My/Beau’s reaction of ‘I love you!’ was pretty accurate. She does care! She’s not just a troll trying to ruin our shit.”

Marisha on Yasha liking dogs: “I clocked that shit when you bought a dog figurine.” She keeps notes about all the members of the party when they reveal things like that.

Ashley has started taking more detailed notes, partly to play catch-up for events she may have missed earlier. “Turns out, notes are very helpful and can help you in your RPing!”

Favorite parts? Marisha: “The fade-to-black moment at the very end, and I think it’s because Ashley’s eyes--maybe this is going to get weird--we had this moment where we were in the hot tub at the end, and I looked over and was like, ‘hey’, and you looked over and were like, ‘hey’, and I was just dead. I will never forget the look on Ashley’s face. There was just a pure moment.” Ashley: “That’s so funny, because I was going to talk about this one moment with Marisha. It’s just clicking into the scene and clicking into the moment.” Marisha talks about how the moments associated with the game have real, tangible emotional connections. Brian highlights that the emotional side of things is what you remember the most after the campaign is done.

Character thoughts on Kima? Marisha: “I was like, step on me! Please! Both of you! We’d be friends.” Ashley: “It’s also that nostalgia that feels so good at the table. These characters we know and love are still living and breathing and happy together and just kicking ass. For Yasha it was an amazing example of a relationship that works in this world, and something beautiful that these people who are different but are connecting. It was a lot of-- it was cool. I think Yasha’s a very big fan of Kima and Allura. When she gave over the sword, Travis texted me and was like, it’s the Holy Avenger. Looking it up and talking about it, it was like, holy mackerel, this sword is insane. But there’s going to have to be some conversations had to attune with the sword. But I like that Matt presented that challenge, that this isn’t necessarily in your class, but let’s do some RP and see what happens.”

Where’s Yasha at with the Stormlord right now? “I’m curious to explore that more, but knowing that the Stormlord was the first person to bring her back to her own will, of pulling her out of whatever was happening with Oban and the Laughing Hand for however long. It’s also weird to see the relationship that the clerics have, and I think Yasha’s still figuring out how to be her own person, but also... not serving somebody, but still trying to figure out that relationship with her god. But again, he saved her from a very, very dark place, and I think that’s something she values and holds on to.”

Cosplay of the Week: An amazing Essek! (Blushingvioletcosplay on Instagram)

How is Beau handling the Eyes? “All the theories! It’s hard for it to not feel like a ticking time bomb. I always have to try and separate my theories from Beau’s theories. That’s acting and shit. I, Marisha, am very interested if I can somehow utilize this to our advantage. Beau, also interested but simultaneously terrified that it might be a bad idea and I might just get further initiated. When it comes to Matt, you know there’s always something more lurking underneath all of this. As players it’s kind of our job to navigate that.”

How about Yasha? “I think it’s one of the things that didn’t really come up in the date, which is funny, because it’s something I was thinking about. Me as a player, that’s something I’m extremely stressed about. We don’t know what’s going to happen. We kind of got into it, but I think the fact that Lucien was listening, and the Eyes, I think it made me as a player as Yasha very nervous about interacting with Beau, because I don’t know what they’re picking up on. There’s so much we don’t know, and Lucien is so confusing, and the Eyes, and with Matt... we don’t know! It’s a point of extreme concern for Yasha, especially someone that she has feelings for and cares about, it’s an extra level of I don’t know what this means and I can’t lose this person, but I need to protect at all costs.”

What was it like for Beau to discover that Dairon and the Soul not only listened but took action? “That moment was so deeply powerful. Honestly, I was just as taken aback as Beau was. I never in both mine or Beau’s thought process did I think Matt would take action in that way, or that would ever be handled. And I think that’s what makes it so emotional. You condition yourself to think these things just happen, so much so that they permeate your D&D game. So rarely do abusers get held accountable for their actions. What was powerful about it was that he was, and other people cared. That alone was so emotionally impactful, and I was completely thrown by it. I feel like I had to walk away from that situation kind of unpacking those things. What does that say, what does that mean? Same thing for Beau, where the cycle of abuse has happened repeatedly to her with no repercussions to anyone who’s causing it. It’s why she’s always had a weird tenuous relationship with the Soul. It throws you into these layers of reconciliation and thought. I didn’t think this was going to be addressed. What does that say about society? So many different layers to peel back. It all speaks to so many real-life experiences that happen every damn day to so many people. There’s not many examples in media of abusers getting handled, and especially not in a way that’s not some sort of device to motivate somebody.” She highlights how rare it is that the abuser was handled without pulling the victim into the mess. I’m definitely not doing what she’s saying justice with my speed-typing.

How is Yasha feeling about solidifying her identity as a protector? “Putting together this character and starting to play as her, there was a part of me that wanted-- when I work on characters, you go through the list of questions you have as an actor, what’s your motivation and all that stuff. But I very much wanted to see if I could have a character that doesn’t necessarily know what their purpose is, because I feel like a lot of people feel that way. I think when we see movies or TV shows, there’s always a character who says, I know what my purpose is. I wanted to explore what it meant to not know what that is. I left that open with Yasha, and I didn’t want to set that for her, because I thought that was an interesting thing. I still like that idea, but in the conversation with Beau and knowing the date was coming up, there were a lot of internal conversations I was having of how is Yasha feeling in this moment. At the end of the day, I feel that’s a very solid purpose for Yasha in this moment, of all I can really provide is protection - and of course she can provide more than that. But now I’m just, yeah, I think protection for her is the best way she knows how to describe her purpose.” Brian: “And once we arrive there, the goal is to find a greater purpose, to be of service.” Ashley has tied in Yasha’s protectiveness with her grappling with loss.

Fan art of the week: A second amazing Essek! (by Saturday_sky)

Thoughts on the amulets: set-up or bad luck? Ashley: “I thought they were a set-up!” Marisha: “I think [Astrid’s] an opportunist. But I think it’d be much more convenient if anyone other than her killed Trent. To what end, I don’t know.” Ashley: “Me, personally, how I interpreted her crying in that alleyway, I felt like she was crying because of a betrayal. But I don’t know! I think she definitely cares for Caleb.” Marisha: “I also got betrayal tears. That felt like guilt-crying to me.” Brian: “I don’t like any of this.”

What prompted Beau going full assassin? “If they were to get in and out and I could have jumped over that tower without killing that guy, I would have.” She didn’t have a lot of options as a monk and not a rogue assassin, but needed a quick and quiet way to get him out of the way. “I went through so many ideas in my head. I thought of an idea to dump all of the ball bearings under him, then light fireworks” to try to get him to fall off the edge.

Is Yasha’s hope for Molly still alive? “Yes. I think that because Yasha has been on the other end of doing terrible things under someone else’s influence, she has a lot of forgiveness for people. At this point, of course, it’s hope that he’ll come back or have some type of recognition of his life as Molly. There’s a lot of questions. I don’t think she’ll ever give up on him.” The only moment of hesitation was when Lucien was cool with Gelidon leaving with Beau.

How are they feeling about their odds? Ashley: “I feel really great about the ideas that the group has to get out of tricky situations. This one I’m nervous about.” Marisha: “I agree. We have our little side player thread, minus Matt, and I don’t see how we’re getting out of this without some sort of compromise that’s not necessarily in our favor. I think we’re going to get out of it, but I don’t think we’re going to get out of it completely.”

Ashley didn’t tell Brian about the date after the episode ended, but wound up blurting it out right before he was about to watch the episode for Talks.

#long text post #critical role #critical role spoilers #talks machina #talks machina spoilers

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yamatonikado · 3 years

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Also i think the reason why the wonder killers look the way they do is because of the perception of them. People’s perceptions of traumatic events are always warped, some more than others. That’s the reason why some of these wonder killer designs are so wacky. In the beginning of the series, the Acca’s explain that the wonder killers take the place of the girls traumas (or ultimate reasons for why they committed suicide). So far each of the wonder killers have been fairly straightforward (overbearing coach, molester, stalker) but their designs have been really over the top all with the exception of one.

Put under a read more bc it’s kinda long as i talk about each girls wonder killer/analyze them below the cut!

I think the fantastical over the top elements of the wonder killers is the way the girls bury and perceive their traumas. I’m gonna get a bit lengthy here, but hear me out. Minami’s wonder killer was her coach, however; Minami was very much in denial that her coach was ever bad/in the wrong. She is always apologizing to the coach. The ultimate reason she died was because of the verbal, mental, and even physical abuse she suffered from her coach constantly obsessing over and controlling every aspect of her life. That’s what it looks like from the outside, however; Minami never specifically acknowledged that the coach’s actions were abuse. She always deferred it onto a specific failing she did onto her self (her body changes because of puberty, and instead of accepting it she internalizes it as her fault because her coach said so). This perception of her coach is warped, and so is the coach’s form as her killer.

This can be said for all the girl’s too. Their wonder killers and the traumatic events that killed them are understood, but not explicitly interacted with.

Miwa’s killer is her molester, and that makes sense. It’s straightforward that her killer is the man who induced trauma onto her, however; if that’s the case how come in the train car, she tells Momoe that more of her guilt and warped thinking were words echoed to her by her mother? What drove Miwa to suicide wasn’t just her molester (like she initially thought) it was the lack of support she received from her family when she took the initiative to come forward about it. It’s the lack of support from her mother, someone that blamed her and side stepped her feelings (when confronting her wonder killer she was echoing words/reasoning said by her mother). Miwa blames her molester for her suicide and her family’s downfall, but she’s isn’t acknowledging the entire truth behind the incident she suffered from.

It’s why Mako and Miko’s wonder killer is such an abstract monster with every other superpower under the sun. Their wonder kill isn’t from their own trauma, it’s how they perceived Yuyu felt from their stalker. They don’t know Yuyu personally, they don’t know how they felt before committing suicide, they have a wonder killer that they based on their perception of what it was that killed Yuyu/them. It might also be why the wonder kill stopped attacking them and started dancing to Yuyu’s song. Mako wholeheartedly believes that no fan of Yuyu would incite violence in Yuyu’s presence, and that’s why the monster/wonder killer stopped what they were doing and did exactly that. The killer acts on how the girls understand them to act, because they stem from the girl’s own understanding of their trauma.

Yae’s wonder killer is oddly abstract because she’s the only one that can see her. Yae mentions her friends abandoning her (which might be why the monster wears a school uniform) but ultimately her trauma stems from an extremely warped source and unexplainable perception of what killed her. Ayaka’s wonder killer is the same, I’m guessing he’s an abusive cult/religious leader that took in runaway kids, however she doesn’t see him as a creepy dude. Look at her body language as he confronts her and speaks to her about people loving her. She has moments where she acknowledges him as a loser and fights back, but ultimately she thinks he holds some power over her (which is why he’s in an inflated ego suit).

And now I know you’re thinking about Kurumi and Aoi. The two girls with the most realistic of the two wonder killers.

I’ll start with Aoi, who at first glance has a mystical wonder killer. But as the fight continues it’s revealed that the wonder killer, is Aoi herself (her own hair, her own beauty). Aoi’s wonder killer is a mix of the realistic and the fantastical because of two things 1) Aoi says she killed herself due to the society’s unrealistic beauty standards and her inability to stay beautiful, as she’s reached the peak of her youth (which is the fantastical) and 2) Aoi understands that the reason she took her life is because of her own vanity (the reality/realistic). She blames herself for dying due to this desire of hers to be forever beautiful, to die at her prime before she becomes obsessed with her looks/youth like her mother. Her hair, a symbol of her pride, is what she knows kills her, and that’s why it takes the form of her wonder killer. It’s why she cries when Neiru tells her that no one can call her pretty anymore. She’s partly able to acknowledges the truth of what killed her and she that died for such a silly reason. Still her perception is warped because her philosophy of beauty is so deeply ingrained into her psyche.

And Kurumi. Well Kurumi’s wonder killer is so realistic because Kurumi is able to accurately acknowledge what caused her trauma and suicide. She mentions her friend group turning their back on her, throwing words like knives at her behind her back. She mentions her friends being superficial, which is why the wonder killer is a female student with a blurred out face (signifying that she doesn’t even know who the person hurting her even is, either because she doesn’t know them deeply or because it was multiple different people doing it). Not even that, but while Kurumi has one wonder killer, the killer also took form of multiple other girls (the ones writing die on the locker). Kurumi is one of the only girls whose perception of her trauma is fully acknowledged for what it is. A bunch of high school girls that don’t even know her, that continue to harass her and hurt her with sharp words and insults.

I’m not saying Kurumi is better than the other girls are identifying what’s wrong. All the girls are right in what killed them. I just think Kurumi has a better understanding of what happened to her and how she really felt. She seems to be really reflective of what happened to her and even gives Ai advice. Kurumi is affected by her trauma, but she’s able to clearly label what caused it.

Miwa is able to talk about her trauma, but unlike Kurumi, she refuses to interact with it at a deeper level. She never acknowledges how what her mom says upsets her, she only echoes what is said. If she were still alive, it might take her years of therapy to understand how she really felt and how the molestation (which was more of a trigger event) affected her. I feel like a lot of the girls in the show are able to acknowledge, “this is why I died” but they have yet to reflect on how it made them feel and how it might be different from the reality of the situation.

That being said, we could also argue that the wonder killers take on the form of people that have motives that can be clearly understood or imagined. The motives of a malicious clique of teenage girls is easier to imagine and deal with than the warped love of a coach you view as a parental figure. It’s something tangible you can believe unlike a serial molester in a position of power over you and your family. You can understand young girls being jealous over a boy, but you can never understand a saesang fan-like stalker. It’s an easier motive to digest and understand than these societal problems that very much do kill young girls today, which may be why the easier the trauma is to digest from an outsider perspective, the clearer its design is. But that may be another theory for another day, as we see more wonder killers in the coming episodes.

TDLR; Part of the reason why i think the wonder kills have such odd design choices is because they’re a reflection of how the girls interpret, perceive, and acknowledge their trauma. The better equipped the girls are at understanding and or labelling their trauma, the more realistic their wonder killers are. The more warped the perception of their trauma is, the more fantastical, unrealistic, monstrous their wonder killers become.

#wep #wonder egg priority #text #theories #i could go more in depth esp with minami butttttt i dont want to like say anything harmful or wrong about abuse and victim behavior #the only girl i dont talk about was the second one momoe saved #mizuki? i think mainly bc we don't know much about her other than she's fine with dating woman LOL #idk if this makes sense ive written four essays in the past week pls all my writing skill is gone jsdhfkjdhashdljdahdskl #imma tag the HEROES of the story ahhahaha bc i put thought into this #ai ohto #aonuma neiru #kawai rika #sawaki momoe #yes i go back and forth using surnames and first names and what about it?#ALSO IF I WASNT LAZY I'D CONNECT THIS MORE WITH URAACCA/ACCA AND HOW THEIR PHILOPSHIES CONTRADICT/SUPPORT THIS BUT YEAH #cw suicide #cw abuse #cw child abuse #cw bullying #gotta add the tags just in case #meta #as of episode six #ive wtached eps 1-6 this is commentary on the series as of ep.6

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chem-24 · 3 years

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some thoughts on one of the datamined/leaked characters and Inazuma

Specifically, about this funky Aetherface-looking dude + some stuff about the Electro Archon got in too, somehow :/

(watch as this gets debunked into the ground when the Inazuma update is released)

What are the scraps that we know of him so far? Well, his name is “Kazuha”, and he��s going to be an Anemo Sword!

Yeah there’s been some prior misinformation about him being a pyro polearm (even I thought he was going to be pyro sword), but that was more just him getting confused with this other guy called “Tohama” (who’s also supposed to be Ayaka’s (arranged) fiancée? No idea how that’s going to turn out). Plus, you can see Kazuha’s Anemo Vision on the second pic here:

It appears to be an autumn motif instead, which is also pretty cool and can still tie into the wind theme

The second thing I did notice though (first being ooooo new pyro character) was that he looked like a samurai. It’s also why I had doubts about him being a polearm user.

*[Yes I know historical samurais have used bows and spears in the past. But even Japanese media pushes the “samurai = katanas” angle, and Kazuha strikes me as more of a “pop culture-style Japanese swordsman” than a historically-accurate one if you get what I’m saying.]

To digress a little; how’s Inazuma looking? Well, according to Zhongli: the Electro Archon, also known as “Baal” or “Raiden”, has issued a “Vision Hunt Decree” to confiscate her people’s visions and decorate them on the hands of a “thousand-armed statue”, as well as closing off the country. Furthermore, it is said that no one has received an Electro Vision in a year in-story by “the will of the Electro Archon”.

There is a runaway NPC from Inazuma to Liyue called “Atsuko”, who provides a tangible picture of Inazuma’s current state of affairs:

As pointed out in this reddit post, Baal’s actions are a parallel to other real life Japanese rulers such as Toyotomi Hideyoshi & Tokugawa Ieyasu; from closing the country and confiscating swords (visions) from the populace, up to melting all the swords to create a giant metal statue (that one didn’t work, but it’s the thought that counts).

**[my personal thoughts on this is that someone or something else has either succeeded or stole Baal’s position as the Electro Archon, which would explain the sudden extreme personality change.

Like, try to think of this in terms of the in-story timeline - the lockdown specifically happened a year ago; no one knows what’s going on inside Inazuma, nor does Inazuma know anything about the outside world. Thus, the Electro Archon shouldn’t know about ‘recent events’ like Venti getting his gnosis stolen or Zhongli’s “”death””, so her/their(?) current actions are definitely not influenced by what’s happening to the other Archons - this was something the Electro Archon decided to do on their own, independently of the Tsaritsa’s/Fatui’s plans.

Venti has explained before that anybody with a vision is capable of becoming a god, so the possibility is there. Hell, they may even be posing as Baal and hiding the truth of their ascension for some reason.

If you’re familiar with Japanese history, then think about how Toyotomi Hideyoshi and Tokugawa came to power in the first place.

To summarize briefly: Hideyoshi was originally a vassal of another warlord called “Oda Nobunaga”, who united most of Japan. However, Nobu was betrayed and killed by another one of his vassals known as “Akechi Mitsuhide”, so Hideyoshi stepped up and finished the rest of the job.

After Hideyoshi’s death, Tokugawa (and 4 other men) was supposed to look over his son until he was of age to rule. But Tokugawa was growing in popularity at the time, so he stepped to take power himself.

So in the context of the Genshin story, perhaps the “Toyotomi Hideyoshi” and “Akechi Mitsuhide” figures are being fused together (aka: this person killed the previous Electro Archon and took her place). Or it’s a Stanley/Venti’s friend situation 2.0

Plus, it’s added dramatic irony to the whole ‘God of Eternity’ also being the god of lightning; something fundamentally transient and brief. Their so-called ‘eternity’ is as fleeting as a lightning bolt, or something.]

Anyways, back to Kazuha.

If we’re going with the implication that the Archons are responsible for giving out their respective elemental Visions (others have theorized about this too); then what does that say about Kazuha, who has an Anemo Vision (proudly displayed in full view too!) given by the God of Freedom?

I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that Kazuha may turn out to be a “wandering vagrant” or “ronin”-archetype character; kinda like what Miyamoto Musashi does. A vagabond that wanders the land and maybe hides in a village once in a while, but never having an established home.

Of course, there’s still plenty of unknowns such as what his actual personality is like - but I think that with this, we can narrow down one part of his character concept at least.

Take another look at his character design: Kazuha is associated with “autumn”, which invokes the imagery “falling leaves in the wind from a tree” and “the passing of something”; possibly exemplifying Kazuha’s nature as a ‘wanderer’ who never stays in one place for too long, and perhaps the presence of a former/deceased master or organization(?).

Furthermore, Kazuha has very albino-esque features with white hair and red eyes, which could further indicate him being a “outcast”. Razor is another character with white hair and red eyes, and he’s very much an “outcast” from ‘normal’ human civilization too - what with being raised by wolves and all. (there’s also some people who think Kazuha and Razor could be long-lost brothers, which is kinda eeeeehhhhhhh 🤷 for me)

Combining that with the historical context of “confiscating swords = confiscating visions”, that would make Kazuha either:

A: a wanderer from the start, and thus far enough away from Inazuma’s capital to avoid the initial Vision Hunt order when it started

B: went on the run after the “Vision Hunt Decree” was issued

Either way, by refusing to give away his “sword” (vision), it would most likely make Kazuha a high-profile criminal and wanted target in Inazuma. Possibly with a bounty included too.

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By the way, as some have already pointed out: some significant characters (interestingly, most of the gods) in Genshin share design similarities with other Honkai Impact characters (another Mihoyo-made game). For more examples, here’s official art of Fu Hua (a Honkai character) that makes her look suspiciously like Zhongli.

I’m bringing this up because some twitter users have pointed out that Kazuha seemingly looks like Fu Hua in her [Phoenix] battlesuit:

Is this just a coincidence, or does it really hold some deeper meaning? Personally speaking, I’d prefer that Kazuha stays human, but I guess another god isn’t too bad either :X

and with that design significance, my dreams of obtaining Kazuha as a 4* are flushed down the drain

#genshin impact #genshin impact theory #genshin theory #inazuma #genshin baal #genshin kazuha #kazuha #tohama #genshin razor #I accidentally brushed a finger past Post on mobile while it was unfinished #so I had to delete and rewrite this all over again from memory urkjrerjehrejhfyslfir

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imhaitusncarnate · 3 years

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I have very mixed feelings on that aot ending

Ok so the politics of Attack on Titan have been discussed by a lot of people, some of whom have a very surface- level understanding of the story. I would like to start by giving my disclaimer that Attack on Tiatan ABSOLUTELY isn’t fascist, its anti racism, anti bigotry and anti discrimination themes are extremely apparent in it’s examination of the Eldians inside Marley, and fascist views held by characters such as Gabi are explicitly condemned in the text and made clear to be misguided and false.

I would now like to draw everyone’s attention to the openings of seasons 1 and 2.

Images like these combined with lyrics like these:

You pigs who sneer at our will to step over corpses and march onwards Enjoy the peace of livestock false prosperity "freedom" of the dying wolves that hunger

We dedicate and sacrifice our hearts

And also the use of german lyrics:

Sie sind das Essen und Wir sind die Jaeger! (they are the food and we are the hunters)

O, mein Freund! Jetzt hier ist ein Sieg. Dies ist der erste Glorie. O, mein Freund! Feiern wir diesen Sieg, für den n��chsten Kampf!

(O, my friend! Now, here is a victory. This is the first glory. O, my friend! Let us celebrate this victory for the next battle!)

This is the stuff that lead me to believe that this is a deliberate use of fascist imagery. If the show just wanted to go for a militaristic vibe for the aesthetic of it, references this explicit to fascist propaganda and the use of German lyrics was not necessary. Also, lines like this:

And plenty of evidence that things were not what they seemed it the world of aot and that the overly simplistic view of good vs evil (humans vs the titans) was incorrect led me to believe that Attack on Titan was a deliberate deconstruction. That it was putting the audience into the mindset of the fascists to pull the rug from under their feet later. And I was right. Sort of.

As the story progresses, the world becomes a more and more complex political landscape and we are led to believe that this black and white mentality is wrong. We are also informed that the people who can transform into titans, the Eldians, are an opressed minority, explicitly paralleled to the Jews during nazi Germany, from their living in internment camps, to them being called devils, to their armbands, to a large number of them (our heroes) being confined in an island with walls circling them, which is revealed by Isayama to be Madagascar. The island that the nazis originally meant to confine the Jewish population in before arriving at the conclusion that that would be too costly, and that genocide was preferable.

This is the first of the story’s mixed metaphors. While the show’s heart is in the right place, being sympathetic to the Eldians and showing their plight under marleyan opression and persecution, there is one problem. The reason for the opression of the Eldians is because the world is afraid of their power, as they are a race with the ability to transform into titans. There is, therefore, a tangible, justification for their internment. The Jews were not in any conceivable way a danger to anyone, they were simply scapegoated for the complex socioeconomic problems of Germany in the time period. Also, if we take a look at those openings again, we observe that the Eldians (our main characters) who wish to free themselves from their shackles are framed as fascists. So... what is that saying?

The idea, as I see it, is that the story is condemning fanaticism in general, as a biproduct of a militaristic black and white worldview. The monstrous titans that our (framed as fascist) heroes fight against are revealed to be human, just like them.

The same is the case for the Eldian “devils” that the Marleyans fight against. Gabi, the character who is most fanatically against Eldians (despite being an Eldian herself) is comfronted with the humanity of the people she hates once she gets to know them.

Again, Isayama’s heart is on the right place here, trying to condemn bigotry, however the explicit referencing of history is the imagery is kind of misplaced, for the reasons I previously mentioned. Now let’s have a look at Eren Yeager.

Eren starts the story as a kind of messed up kid. He kills the human traffickers who kidnapped Mikasa while screaming:

I mean, in this case he is certainly justified, but his rage and anger are definitely not normal for a child his age.

This is Eren. He can’t stand injustice when he sees it. And injustice is what happens to him when the titans attack. His already fiery attitude and mindset is what leads him to this declaration of revenge:

That side of Eren is visible throughout the story and it’s foreshadowing for what he will later become

Eren, however, is a natural product of his environment. Ravaged by socioconomic inequality, with the rich living in the centre of the walls and the poor living in the outskirts, constantly under the threat of the titans and unable to obtain any kind of freedom, Eren’s philosophy of the need to be strong to overcome one’s enemies makes sense. The mantra “the strong prey on the weak”, that he ends up teaching Mikasa (another allusion to fascist ideology) is a biproduct of the world he lives in. He does not know of the political intricasies outside the walls. All he knows is he must kill the titans.

Eren’s titan is described as the “manifestation of humanity’s rage. It is huge and monstrous, and could be seen as a metaphor for vengeful hatred in general. Keep that in mind, it’s relevant for the ending.

This manufactured and false black and white worldview shapes him as a character, and it’s what eventually, after the arrival at the much desired ocean, leads him to this:

“Will we finally be free?”

In the continuation of the story, Eren falls toward the dark side more and more, to the point of committing atrocities and war crimes that are explicitly framed as being similar to what he suffered as a child (see his actions in Liberio). He even acknowledges that, telling Reiner, the person who committed said war crimes against him, that he essentially has no hard feelings and understands that the two of them are similar, doing what “needs to be done”. The character of Gabi, who, after what happens in Liberio, becomes obsessed with revenge against the Eldian “devils” is meant to be a foil for Eren, and his obsession with killing the titans after what happened to him.

Extremely interesting is the way in which certain ideas and images are flipped in the later seasons. Namely, in season 4, we see a character who idolizes Mikasa and supports Eren’s plans in a scene where she spouts the same mantra of “the strong prey on the weak” and says that Mikasa saving her is what showed her that only with strength she can defeat her enemies. Mikasa tells her to shut up, and she proceeds to do the salute, that has been so glamorized by the show’s openings thus far. Now, it is done by a person from a military faction with a fanatic worldview. The direction doesn’t glamorize it at all. It is a nuanced, almost masterful deconstruction.

Levi, who has always looked for reasons for why his comrades had t die, justifying their heroism and convincing himself that their deaths were not pointless, ends up here:

At this point, I was in love with Attack on Titan. From here, it only figures that Eren ends up attempting a genocide of the people outside the walls. He has essentally become what he hated the most, and he’s a natural result of the world that created him. Despite his noble intentions, he has turned into a monster. Mikasa, the prerson who loved him the most, completes her character arc by killing him, thus rejecting her blind devotion to him and being free, while at the same time continuing to love the person he once was. It’s a sad and tragic ending, painting Eren as a tragic character and making a pretty strong political point, despite having a few mixed metaphors.

And then, chapter 139 came out...

And Eren apparently pulled a Lelouch. This is a “I purposfully turned myself into a monster to save the world and make my friends into heroes for killing me” kind of thing. It is important to state that the manga makes it clear that Eren would have trampled the world even if they didn’t stop him, because of his urge to be free. However, that urge, that fighting spirit, end up being a good thing. The death of our heroes in battle apparently wasn’t pointless after all. They say goodbye with a salute

The Yeagerists, who were previously framed as fanatics, end up in charge of the government

It is important to state that the real event, the catalyst of the ending, is that killing Eren, who has turned himself literally into the manifestation of humanity’s rage (which has now, through the intricacies of the story, taken the political meaning of hatred and intergenerational trauma), eliminates the power of the titans. The titans are no more. This, in of itself, is good, and in keeping with the spirit of the political commentary thus far. However, the war, is still not over, and Eren’s mantra ends up being correct

So the only way for the war to end is one of the races to be wiped out?

Also, despite Eren’s genocide being wrong, it is, in the end, justified, as a necessary evil by the story. An Ozymandias kind of moment in which the ends justify the means, but Eren himself has to die, because his crime was too great for him not to suffer punishment. Essentially, this chapter undoes all of the insightful commentary the story had made so far, by proving the ideology of its main character right. Story- wise this isn’t a bad ending, but if we take into account the political references the series has made, and its desire to explicitly tie itself with such imagery makes the ending leave a really bad taste in my mouth. What it essentally says, is that, yes, bigotry and racism are bad, yes, blind hatred is bad, but the general idea of might makes right and the impossibility of reconciliation are true. Armin, who has, throughuout the story, been Eren’s opposite, in terms of looking for peaceful solutions to conflict is rendered meaningless in the end, because him alongside with the other characters were all playing into Eren’s plans. The hearts of our main characters as recruits were in the right place, their fighting spirit admirable, and the overall worldview we are presented with in the beginning of the story remains more or less unchallenged.

So where does that leave this imagery?

The conclusion is that one must think very carefully before including allegory in their work. I am not accusing Isayama for fascism, and I appreciate the efforts at deconstructing it throughout the story. However, in the end he did an oops I accidentally justified the mentality I was trying to condemn. I still like Attack on Titan, I believe it has artistic value and is overall a pretty good anime, I even agree with its politics to an extent. However, it is very important to critically examine the things we like, and see where they may have gone south. And this ending is that for me.

#attack on titan #aot #snk #shingeki no kyojin #snk spoilers #snk meta #aot meta #politics #anime

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dallonm-archive · 3 years

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REVELATIONS, REVELATIONS | UPDATE #1

Hello y’all! I refuse to believe it’s been 3 and a half months since I last made an update post for this novel because time is not real :) whoops! This has actually been sat in my drafts for like a month though

A rundown of things that happened:

We have a new title! I already went into the meta and possible interpretations (it’s ~ambiguous~), so if you want you can read about that HERE.

I did 3 weeks of Nano and wrote 15k words! On the site I recorded 15053 but I think it was more 15.5k? I’ve edited the original doc now so idk but I’m v happy with that!

After that I took a break and a lot of Life Things happened re a certain pandemic that is taking :) all my motivation :) so I didn’t return to drafting until January. I also really struggled to progress with the story and decided the best thing was to revisit what I already had and work on that

It’s not that the original chapters weren’t working, I was just trying to understand the story for the first time and also Nano was such a hazy blur and I’m 99% sure November didn’t happen. I probably won’t revisit a section this intensely again until I’ve finished the draft but at this stage it really helped because the more I worked on it, the more I understood where it had to go next - I know the structure (for now), the basics for the middle and how the story ends :) hehe :) and I don’t think I’d had those revelations (aha) without revisiting this first part. I got to fall in love with the story all over again and I’m very happy with where it’s going!

This intro is already getting so long so I’m just going to jump straight into it because this update is LONG. I’m talking about all the chapters today even though not all of them are new, but since I’ve learnt a lot about them and this is officially update #1 post-nano, it makes sense to talk about all of them! I’m also going to do a new taglist because I see this as a new set of updates also I am awful at keeping up with taglists so! I’m just tagging friends who have already expressed interest + mutuals who I’m like 99% sure want to stay on so! please let me know if you’d like to be added or removed!

@kowlazovdi @isherwoodj @avi-burton-writing @pamsdrabbles @ryns-ramblings @kitblogsthings @svpphicwrites @aetherwrites @radiomacbeth @bijouxs @writerlywonders @haldimilks @alicewestwater @piyawrites @coffeeandcalligraphy @shaelinwrites

usual content warnings for religious trauma and cult discussion, specific CWs will come before excerpts!

So I’m currently working with four parts, and I’ve extended the timeline from one year to four years. This suits the story much better BUT pretty much everything here was written before that decision and I do not have the energy to restructure all of it right now :) Each part is split into two sections, one for each POV. So four parts, 8 sections, Felix and Dorothy get four sections each. I let the structure grow with the story but this one is working very well!

Also I started setting my pages to light green and it was LIFE CHANGING. Much kinder on the eyes and just looks so nice?? Calming?? This post is your sign to set your page colour to light green like LOOK

So we have a prologue now!! The story made a lot more sense once I added this because originally the information we learn was just shoehorned into Chapter 1 in a flashback when really we needed to know this information going into it. That being said I struggled with this for a bit just because to justify a prologue I need that information to be conveyed in a way that is completely unique to the rest of the narrative so I didn’t want to just write this as a flashback. I ended up writing it in 2nd person and it came out in a way where it’s not clear which twins POV it is? Like it’s more of a fusion of both of them where neither of them have their own individual identity beyond “the twins” yet. I can’t tell if this is my funky POV peak or a clarity nightmare but I like it! I want it to only be ~500 words so we can take the risk.

In this they’re fourteen and they do a “blood pact” as a way to symbolically cut themselves from their family (aka: their father) whilst they’re still tethered to it. I really love it because not only is it exactly what these slightly unhinged-but-havent-tapped-into-it-yet, co-dependent-and-dont-realise-it kids would do but it immediately brings up the question of family and what family actually is. I’ve also realised a huge idea in this story is the idea of the tangible and for them, the concept of family and blood isn’t tangible so they struggle to recognise its significance (not that it. has any for them in the first place.) but their relationship, seeing each other bleed and pressing the cuts together is. The writing itself is kinda wonky because of the whole funky clarity nightmare POV but here’s a little taste of the ending:

cw: blood

You’ll slink back into your family room to clean and plaster each other’s hands and you’ll ask yourselves: which bloodstains came from who? Who bled the most and who stopped first? Who will come up with the story for the cuts on your palms and who will dispose the bloodied towel? Who is Dorothy without Felix and who is Felix without Dorothy?

Shiny new first chapter! Originally this was in Dorothy’s POV but now it’s switched to Felix and instead of just showing their reunion (which turns out is....very anticlimactic and not appropriate for an opening lol??) we actually explore Felix’s thoughts an actions after he decides to escape the cult, which was a very impulsive decision and spans about a day and a half. This one is definitely gonna take a few drafts to get right because it’s such a delicate but intense event to write and I’m content with the fact that it’s not There Yet but the prose is! I had a lot of fun writing this chapter and it really helped me get back into the swing of loving this story. There’s something very delicate about it but also very troubling under the surface. The opening gave me a lot of trouble, but the first line hits!

The day Felix decides to leave the sun glows the same, and the pine trees breathe the same, and the chapel cross stabs the sky the same.

Ironically, a good chunk of the chapter happens outside the cult, as Felix decides to spend his final day taking Lola - a woman his age who is literally the only person he likes lmao - to one of the nearby towns. Whilst the main function of the chapter is to introduce the cult itself, it’s also to show how normalised leaving actually is - it’s just every time he’s left has been temporary, and every time he has left, he still feel separated from this “outside world”. They go to a candy store and a thrift store - where Felix lies about his mom (who he hasn’t seen in 20 years) being in hospital so he can use a phone :) Lola is a new character so I don’t have much to say on her, but all I can say is they are wlw and mlm solidarity but also she knows how to read him

“I don’t know why Dotty and I loved this place so much - we always got toothaches.”

“You’re leaving, aren’t you?”

“These apple ones are nice, but I think the lime is my favourite. Do you think the apple or the lime is nicer?”

“I think you’re leaving, but I also think you’re scared, so you’re pretending that I’m going to leave with you and that’s why you wanted to go to town. You chose the candy shop because this is where you went the first time you left, but this time you’re not coming back. Does that scare you, Fel?”

And here is my favourite paragraph in the whole chapter because <3 what the fuck <3 and if pine trees are a key Felix symbol no they aren’t 👁️ yes they are

cw: falling out a window? pushing yourself out a window? description of bones breaking

The day Felix decides the leave, when the clouds bleed amber, he pushes the scratched mahogany dresser so it lines with the windowsill, lies on top and hangs his head out. It’s never comfortable, but it’s always peaceful: sometimes cars murmur on nearby backroads, sometimes a wind chime flutters, sometimes brush rabbits rustle in shrubbery and they all breathe the same oxygen as him. He closes his eyes, inhales the pine air, and plays God: pushes himself further out, an inch at a time, until his shoulders cross the line and he wonders what bones would break if he fell. Would he break both arms or one, both legs or one? Would he break his spine? Which vertebra would crack, and how many? Would he feel them all in one big strike, or all the individual bones burst like popping candy? Evening breeze whispers against his face and he could do it right now, leap out the window and if he didn’t break his legs or back he could run to the bushes, to the pine trees, to the road, the town over East or West, the county line.

If Felix hit the ground, would it be because of a freak fall, or because he pushed himself out?

We have to laugh because I’m pretty sure I said in my Nano update that this chapter was the strongest so far besides one scene but when I looked back that scene <3 took up 80% of the fucking chapter <3 So I just said fuck it I’ll rewrite the whole thing for fun!!!! And I love it!!! It’s so jarring compared to Chapter One and that’s the point!! Everything is so over saturated and originally that was just to convey the absolute shock Felix gets from the Major Impulsive Life Decision He Just Made, but now I think it’s intentional on his part and it goes back to the idea of the tangible: whilst he didn’t grow up totally isolated this is still a new life for him, and he has nothing to latch onto, so he looks to his surroundings and hyper-focuses and latches onto it because it’s something that’s now tangible and accessible to him so he sees it in this very bright, romanticised way (the romanticisation of San Francisco is very amusing to me but it’s also very relevant). But even with that he still distances himself from this environment still - the same way he did whilst living in the cult. He has no idea how he wants to exist in this world and he doesn’t even know how to exist yet.

And so it became clockwork: eyes burst open at two, three, four in morning, doesn’t bother trying to fall back to sleep. Lurk into the kitchen, make a coffee or water or whiskey. Sit under the fritzing lightbulb with no shade, think about everything and nothing and everything and nothing. Or go for a smoke, inhale the vapours until it hurts his chest, breathe in the cool air until it hurts his teeth, wander around the block until it hurts his feet. Sneak back into a room that doesn’t belong to him in an apartment that doesn’t belong to him in a city that doesn’t belong to him. Count the bumps in the popcorn ceiling until footsteps sneak down the hall – Dorothy leaving a room that doesn’t belong to her. Join his sister back at the kitchen, she complains that they need to replace the lightbulb. Over pulpy orange juice and scrambled eggs on toast, she retells her dream and lists the possible meanings and he lists his plans for that day on how to immerse in the outside world, familiarise himself with the city until it belongs to him. Travel by trolley for the first time, eat seafood at the waterfront for the first time. Bump into a cherry-headed conure parrot by chance. Climb Twin Peaks and gaze at the new view of home. Trace the outline of translucent mountains in the air and pretend you’ll ever hike them; trace the outline of high rises in the air and pretend you know the people in them. He asks Dorothy when he’ll stop feeling like a tourist – she has no answer for him.

(context: Dorothy’s roommate, Jolie, is out of town at this point, so Dorothy tells Felix to take her room whilst she takes Jolie’s and they’ll sort it out later. Dorothy has no problem sleeping in Jolie’s bed because her and Jolie are Very Good Friends)

I also realised that, in the nicest way possible to November me, that this chapter was so damn boring because it’s very dialogue heavy but in every dialogue moment they are literally just 🧍 doing nothing. So I wrote a scene as a half-joke of Just Met Like Three Hours Ago Beau and Felix going to the arcade and it saved this chapter. It is SO fun but it also comes straight after this very emotionally intense moment and it’s really interesting to see that reach its zenith and then just. fizzle out but linger in the background? I love this scene but I also can’t take it too seriously because they play Frogger and @aetherwrites joked that the game’s a metaphor for Felix leaving the cult and I love her and hate her because she is so right I can picture the LIT1000 seminar where that analysis would be made unironically and it’d be ME who makes it and I am so close to just running with that for real. Also these two aren’t love at first sight but the chemistry is so loud like did you two meet today or have you been married for eight years and own five dogs together what’s the truth? Anyway here’s Felix murdering Beau on sight

“You know, you could’ve warned me that you’d be that good,” Beau says.

“It’s not that difficult, you could’ve warned me that you’d be that bad.”

Beau leans across to shuffle through cassette tapes in the glove compartment. “I’m not, you just got lucky. I let you win.”

“But it’s not even competitive. You just died seven times in a row.”

I’m a little unsure of the pacing for this chapter now because its effectiveness lies in the fact it takes place a week after the previous, and my job with this section post-draft is to stretch it out longer since it only spans three weeks. I’m hoping I can make it work where there’s little time between Chapter 1 & 2 but still cover more time in chapters 3-5 because I think that’d be jarring in the best way? Like the absolute intensity of that initial week quickly dissolving and suddenly he’s been living this life for months he didn’t notice go by. Again <3 a problem for post draft me <3

I don’t have much to say about this one because in Nano I didn’t even finish it, and now I have but it’s still <3 giving me trouble <3 - however I’ve realised this is probably the most important chapter at this stage of the novel because it’s the first full chapter with just the twins, trying to have a bonding moment and catch up but only learning that they a) love each other b) can’t stand each other whilst not realising just yet that they are c) extremely co-dependent. I like to call this novel multiple plot threads in a trench coat and that’s definitely it, the twins have their own individual plot threads separate to one another, but if there’s a central plot (and there kinda is?? its a surprise :) ) at its essence is them realising how fucked up their relationship is, but wanting to rectify that and trying to understand the difference between a tangled and toxic relationship.

This chapter introduces that each character has a key symbol that’s attached to the world somehow and Felix has chapters like these in his arc where he tries to navigate the state of their relationship (so there’s one later on titled “Ocean (Beau)”) and his associations with them. We have to laugh here because I was really like “oh Dorothy is sapphic so I’ll make her obsessed with the moon” but then it became a major symbol in the story <3 Dorothy IS obsessed with the moon, and Felix is frustrated because he can’t see it the way she does and he feels like part of him is missing because of that, when it’s just a different perspective but nooo these two need to have unhealthy co-dependency and then get mad when they’re unhealthily co-dependent on each other :/ Anyway I’d just like to talk about how Felix’s need to be like his sister in this chapter is demonstrated through a symbol that’s attached way more to her than it is to him even though in the prose he describes the moon as this fragile, breakable thing which is the complete opposite as how Dorothy would and lets talk about the blade mirroring the prologue!!!!

He closed an eye and pointed the blade at the moon. If he could, it’d be so easy: surgeons precision, swift wrist flick, carved and plucked from the sky. Laid out on his palm like tissue paper, half translucent and as breakable as skin - a birthday present for Dorothy, if he doesn’t tear it. He’ll try not to, but it’d be so easy.

In further development of the Moon Imagery, I’ve started using a lot of Star Imagery with Felix and a lot of general space imagery in both of their POVs and I’m delighted to say I have no idea what the meta means with that but I like it!! It fits the story very well and they’re probably mirroring each other or something!

This little chapter taught me that I need to be flexible with form <3 this was originally meant to be the final scene of the last chapter, and I was so hyped because it was one of the first scenes I conceptualised, but then it ~sucked~. However I didn’t realise until recently that it sucked because I was writing it in a traditional storytelling form - which most of this book benefits from, but this moment certainly does! not! I’m really glad because I think this book is the perfect playground for experimental form - although here it’s relatively simple though, most of the setup for this happens at the end of the previous chapter and then this is just all the information condensed as much as possible. This chapter is focused on memories so it really works for it to be cut off from the previous which is in the fictive present, and Felix’s perception of memories right now are ~a little jarring~

The final scene of Moon (Dotty) depicts Felix and Dorothy breaking into a park at 4am, promptly having an argument that results in Dorothy leaving, and Felix sat next to a fountain picking pennies out of it and trying to associate a memory with the year on the back - this chapter is those memories and this introduces the fluid relationship characters have with their past. For Felix, he’s seeing the last 20+ years from a bird eyes view in a very sporadic way and it’s starting to sink in that those 20+ years actually Happened. Some of the memories are very distanced, others are as intense as flashbacks, and some are a mixture of the two. This one is very interesting to me because he completely separates himself from the memory halfway through Fel do you wanna talk about this (unfortunately I cannot drop the name because of plot <3)

cw: light/implied homophobia

IN GOD WE TRUST / 1978

The first time Felix held a boys hand was in 1978 in the back pew at morning service. It was the first time [redacted]’s father preached and they got stuck in the back because they arrived late, because they laid in the grass together, wearing each other’s identical pecan coloured blazers as sunrise peeled back the night, and they slunk into the back of service like ghosts everyone could see and maybe they knew why they were late. [Redacted]’s father had a razor voice and he made sure every word sliced into his son and his son interlocked fingers with the boy next to him. His son didn’t look at the boy he held hands with the same way he’ll pretend his blazer is his and not the boys and the same way he didn’t look at the boy the first time they kissed behind the chapel building and the same way he didn’t look at the boy during Bible study for the week after.

Whilst I’d say in Chapter 2 the chemistry between Beau and Felix is as clear as day this is the first instance where Felix’s queerness is explicitly introduced and I’m taking this chance to say this book gets more queer every fucking week. Like I think in the last updates I was like ohhh sexuality doesn’t play much into Felix’s arc and know it’s like 99% of his damn arc and we LOVE it. But at this point he doesn’t realise like when I tell you guys this man is so repressed

I am literally only putting this here because I talk about all the other chapters and it’s weird to me to leave one out. Also because the graphic and title is pretty. Not gonna lie I love making these posts and that is 10% to ramble about meta 90% making pretty graphics that is literally just cropping photos on Unsplash and putting Garamond text over them <3

Anyway this was originally Lessons in Holy and when I revisited that chapter I realised it was so fucking messy and I tried to fix it but it didn’t really work and I’ve been scared to touch it since. However the meta is top notch so here we are - it mirrors Chapter One, Everything Holy, which explores Felix’s decision to leave the cult and with that, leave God. Everything Holy / In San Francisco explores his relationship (or lack thereof) with God and how much Felix’s life has changed since he left - and how “holy” it is. It definitely goes back to the idea of the tangible because the holiness preached to him growing up was not something tangible to him, whereas with this he looks at real life experiences, so he tries to find holiness in that. It also ties with Cyan City and the romanticisation of San Francisco as something tangible and something he can find holiness in, which a) he needs to learn that things don’t have to be “holy” to be valuable and b) it would be a shame if :) he centred everything good about his life around SF and then :) something bad were to happen whilst living in SF :) the way he and Dorothy both do this

My plan for this is basically: Condense The Shit Out Of It. The hardest part about this chapter is it is very thematic and you know as a lit major (derogatory) I love that but with more theme centric chapters the line between subtle and Too Much can be verrryyy thin, but I think focusing on character exploration over theme will fix that pretty easily. I’d also like to separate the Isaias introduction into its own chapter because it’s such an important moment and November me just? Latched it on at the end? And that plus Felix’s crisis in the same chapter is just too much. This chapter is gonna get changed A Lot but for now here’s Felix’s very chill and relaxed ending to his POV section :)

cw: drowning, drug mention

Felix didn’t speak to God for three weeks and everything unholy became holy: the coffee scorching his throat, the kaleidoscopic t-shirts and high waisted jeans, the punk rock they play at the record store – loud and electric. It’s unholy, but he sleeps through the night now, he folds coloured card into butterflies at breakfast and scribbles biro eyes over the newspaper's sudoku on his lunch break. He earns money and he spends a pinch of it on himself: on new wave records and playing cards and earrings he can’t wear yet. Sometimes he buys marijuana it’s not a sin because marijuana means he only smokes tobacco twice a day now – one at breakfast, one before bed. He bar hops with Beau on Saturdays and hikes with Dorothy on Sundays and he tells strangers he studies American Literature and he smiles with his eyes more and nobody notices that somebody’s holding his head underwater. And he doesn’t know whose hand it is, but it knows how to grip tight. And he doesn’t know how to swim, but he knows how to swallow water. And he doesn’t know if this is the punishment or the sin because the water stings his eyes but he chooses to keep them open, and the water will tangle in his lungs but he chooses to keep his mouth open. And hellfire can’t touch him under here, so he’ll keep swallowing water and it’ll burn him in a different way, and he’ll like how it scorches his throat.

(Once again context I didn’t share because I don’t like the writing that talks about it: Felix has a deep fear of drowning from past trauma, but he’s also very obsessive about it and often imagines himself drowning.)

(also the way these excerpts are just showing off my love for repetition my Intro to Creative Writing Tutor that called repetition lazy is seething rn!!!!)

Overall though, I’m v happy with how this section came out now that I actually know what the story is! As I’ve finished drafting it, I have noticed where the missing plot beats are and this is what I expected because I Do Not have a lot of experience with novels (I’ve never passed 15k on a novel before so we’re in new territory now) and generally struggle to see beats before I finish a draft. I’m thinking there’s at least one chapter missing and maybe a shorter one, like MSATBOTF, but I won’t be touching this section again until I finish the draft. Most of all I learnt a lot about the story’s form and I’m excited to play with that and be a bit more flexible!

I’m currently drafting Indigo, the first chapter in Dorothy’s POV, and I was going to talk more about it but this post is too long and the next update will be <3 all about her <3. But the chapter introduces her and Jolie’s tumultuous relationship and here’s a lil peak!

Me, a sapphic, capable of writing happy sapphic relationships:

Me instead:

cw: light/implied homophobia

If she didn’t display the ticket on the bedside table - like she had something to prove - she could have easily been in Dallas, in New York, London, Cannes, Moscow, Tokyo, Cairo, Sydney. But wherever she went, Dorothy and Jolie have had four airport reunions before today - four times they’ve had to soften themselves, disguise themselves. Old high school friend flying in to be her maid of honour, college roommates who don’t see each other as a day past eighteen, pen pals reuniting for the first time since the seventies, business trip colleagues in casualwear. The fifth time, there’s nothing to hide, and as they walk to the car, Dorothy has to wonder: if they were seen by nobody, would Jolie have hugged her with both arms? Would she have kissed her? Would Dorothy kiss back?

I’m midway through this chapter, so I’ll keep the rest of it for the next update! That I promise won’t be in three months!

If you read through all of this then I am in love with you <3

#i'd say im sorry this is so long but it was so fun to write so i'm not!#also pls be proud i cut 2k words from this bc i RAMBLED #atlastracking #writeblr #writing update #revelations revelations

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ninakaina · 3 years

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for once i WILL make a long analysis post no one asked for. p2 bad grief and his friendship with artemy below + p2 and classic changeling spoilers. let’s try to be serious about him for just a minute and forget about his giant pores and ugg boots i have no agenda i prommy

i know i’m not alone in thinking that bad grief’s relationship with his friends is one of the most interesting and telling aspects of his character in p2. for a liar, he’s extremely loyal. a lot of people have talked about how he comes through to protect rubin despite their differences, so it’s obvious how much he cares. lara also includes him in her confession, meaning she has reason to believe that he would try to give himself up to help her just as much as artemy and rubin, who it’s a lot easier to imagine doing something like that. he’s also a person constantly looking for acceptance, not by society, but by the people around him-- we learn this from his reflection, who also tells us how much artemy’s perception of him in particular matters to him.

unlike stakh and lara, he isn’t angry with artemy at any point in the story, even if artemy kills piecework, and doesn’t lash out at him even in the cathedral. he doesn’t seem particularly angry with stakh or lara either; what bothers him most is that they haven’t accepted him (“gravel-hearted lara won’t even look at me”). i think an important difference is that he’s watched stakh and lara grow up and grow away from him. the core of what distinguishes his relationship with artemy from his relationship with stakh and lara is very simply the difference between reuniting with a friend you haven’t seen in years due to them moving away or going to a different school or whatever vs a friend you’ve spent years growing apart from-- there’s no inherently saying that you’re more compatible with the separated friend (although yeah, there’s a lot to be said about artemy being the glue that held their group together), but you see them still as the person they were when they left, and there’s an instinct to jump right back in to the relationship as it was. since that’s the last you remember of them, that past is current in your memory, as opposed to being clouded by everything that came after the sort of halcyon days of youth. grief seems a lot more sentimentally attached to the gang’s past than stakh and lara. in part i think this is because he’s a childish person, but i think it’s also tied to that desire for acceptance.

when artemy shows up in grief’s nest, the first thing grief does is compare him to how he used to be-- specifically in a way that encourages denial. whether it’s an intentional choice or not, saying “you’re different now; you’ve gone soft” begs the answer “i haven’t gone soft”, with the implied “i’m not different”. similarly, through saying something along the lines of “could that be my old friend? no, you’ve changed,” grief ties artemy’s past identity to their friendship, such that engaging in their friendship is a return to youth. and there is a return to something; as much as artemy and grief trade half-insults, right from the beginning their conversations lack nearly all the tension and resentment in artemy’s early conversations with lara and stakh, and they have a good give-and-take in the way they talk to each other. there’s also a strong contrast here with artemy’s first conversation with lara, in which the first thing lara does is bring up how long he’s been gone, and stakh’s first words to him-- “why did you come? finally thought of some good excuses?” grief puts less emphasis on artemy’s absence than on hoping he’s come back, and less on how things have changed in the town than how things have changed with artemy. i’m talking a lot about it because it’s such a weird exchange, on the line between joking and heartfelt (”you’re no fun. aren’t you happy to see an old friend?” “oddly enough, i am”)

the other important thing that happens before-aglaya is their little railroad field trip. this is a weird moment. the plot itself doesn’t make a lot of logical sense as far as grief’s actions. artemy comes to grief asking to blow up the railroad tracks. grief doesn’t want to blow up the railroad tracks. grief agrees to blow up the railroad tracks, shows up to the railroad tracks, and tells artemy he’s not going to blow up the railroad tracks. and nothing really happens. the player can choose to just sit with him. if it’s a joke, it’s not very funny, and grief doesn’t seem like he’s in a joking mood. you’d kind of imagine he would just say no, or if he wants to send artemy on a wild goose chase he just wouldn’t show up. it’s not like there’s another dynamite supplier artemy would go to. for me, the explanation comes in what artemy says when he asks for the dynamite. the dialogue option that unlocks the event is “why not? let’s do it together. just like the good old days.”

aglaya is a force of maturation, a catalyst of coming-of-age. some of my friends were just talking about how in classic, she says she thinks the powers that be hated her because she wanted them to grow up. i don’t actually think this is a change with the force she represents in p2; she’s tied to a transformative stage of psychological development that deals with questioning authority and the established order of things. in p2 her power is most tangibly illustrated in her effect on bad grief.

when artemy asks, just like the good old days (and one of the ways he can ask for the dynamite is through reminiscing about their old games and saying he’s feeling sentimental), everything about grief draws him to help. he wants to help his friend, he wants to protect himself, he wants things to be like they used to. but in the shadow of inquisition, he’s starting to mature, and to realize that things can’t stay the same. he’s starting to embrace the future, and i think he wants to face that future head-on with artemy, who has basically re-accepted him, which is why he makes the plans and shows up. he can’t resist going, but he knows better than to bring the dynamite.

their relationship gets more complicated as grief moves into the cathedral. in the conversation that begins with “we need to escape, cub. escape.”, he tries to outline his new philosophy. unlike immortell, grief isn’t concerned with mortality, but with humanity, and he’s become convinced that the only way to become human is to leave-- but he doesn’t leave, because artemy doesn’t leave. he doesn’t say he needs to escape, he says they need to escape. there are two explanations i can think of for this, and i think the truth might be a combination of the two. it’s possible that on some level, he recognizes, like aglaya, that artemy is the only character with some kind of agency. the only way grief would be able to leave the town is through artemy’s agency, although in practice artemy’s agency is limited to make that impossible (no option to agree). still, artemy has what grief calls an “inner freedom”, which he both envies and admires. it’s all pretty similar to aglaya’s fascination with artemy, except more familiar. grief has always known this of artemy, he’s just starting to put it into perspective. it also seems possible to me that grief just doesn’t want to leave without artemy. he exists best in the context of others, as he deals in the web of connections between people; he isn’t one to strike out on his own. the only time we see him alone is at the signal fire by the railroad, waiting for artemy.

artemy has, gives, or represents everything grief wants and doesn’t get: acceptance, a return to youth, and freedom. in the nocturnal ending, grief outlines (if you get lucky i guess) one other thing artemy has that he doesn’t: “a good, honest face”. in the diurnal ending, artemy still struggles to understand what the fuck grief is talking about, but their relationship leaves off on a hopeful note that one day he will. idk i don’t know how to end this there’s just literally so much to think about here

#bad grief #yeah i'll maintag this #pathologic #character analysis

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geeksquade · 3 years

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Something that I like about Yona that’s really subtle is her ability to gain power through her actions.

As different as they are, one thing that I feel is subtly hinted in the manga is the parallels between soowon’s leadership abilities and Yona’s. How they are both able to bring people together and get things done. Soowon has always been portrayed as a dynamic person that can draw people in,and so has hak, but I think it can be argued that neither can touch the people finess that yona has. This girl has the golden touch in terms of gaining support.

When yona started this journey she had nothing but hak, and at one point was close to losing him too. She convinced hak to stay, she got the dragons to join her, she proved her worthiness to Gigan and helped her crew liberate awa, she gained the admiration of the fire tribe by bringing real tangible change to those who needed it, motivated Taejun to be a better person, proved herself to be a worthy friend and role model to Lili, and helped liberate the water tribe from drug trade. All things that she did by motivating others to offer their crucial support and even doing the work herself.

Because of her hard work, her determination, her resolve, and her actions, yona and her group have been able to become a national threats while being fugitives. Without these traits her story would be so short and way less successful. It is Yona’s ability to get people to see something in her, have them trust her, and make good on that trust that has given her the success that she has. And this gets often misinterpreted as her getting everything handed to her on a silver platter when it’s really not. Yona uses her strengths and her connections and strategic skill to make her wishes come to fruition.

That’s what irritates me about this arc so much. Even with everything she has been through and all the experience she has garnered, yona is treated like she’s still the same girl that got ran out of the castle. She’s not seen as someone who has had prolonged contact with people that other officials wouldn’t even look at (like the poor and dying in the fire tribe villages) or someone with experiences with other countries from her travels that can be used. Instead she is automatically assumed to be weak and unknowing and is all but told that her role is to sit still and look pretty.

And I’m sure this pissed yona off greatly. Firstly, she agreed to come back under the pretense that her group would be safe and that they would work in a form of allyship. Instead, she was parted from her loved ones, had their safety threatened, and essentially told to take back up that pretty doll role from before. Secondly, they really put her in a position where she had to go back to her place of trauma. The halls of Hiryuu Castle are stained with the blood of her father and just being there can’t be easy. I’m sure it feels like hell. And if I was forced to reside in the place where such an event happened all while being discredited and disrespected, I would raise hell. Fortunately yona is better than I am.

Yona is such a wonderful character who shows that power doesn’t only rest in what you can do alone. I love her so much and I hope that in the next chapters she can gain stable control of her situation and be happy again.

#akatsuki no yona #yona of the red dawn #yona of the dawn #yona

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theanxiousstudentblog · 3 years

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What I've learned from the first year of university: the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Three years later than expected, I finished my first year of university. At first, admittedly, it didn't feel like much; I submitted my final assignment, logged off of my student account, and went to watch the new series of The Real Housewives. It wasn't until a few weeks had passed that I was finally hit with how much this milestone meant to me and all the emotions that came with finally getting through the first academic year as a university student. This may not seem like a big achievement to some (I remember how in sixth form we were always made to believe that the first year of university was a piece of cake and way easier than A-levels) but, for me, it has been a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs. These emotions and thoughts are what have inspired me to write this post, specifically the feeling that university can be very very different from what you expect.

How I got here.

When I was younger, one of my sole dreams was to go to university. This may have seemed odd to some as I suffered from extreme anxiety when I was younger and actually refused to go to school between the ages of 7 and 9. However, it was never the academic side of schooling that worried me but the social side and being away from my family. I loved learning and I knew that I wanted to take my academic career to the highest possible level I could. The idea that I could pick any subject that I was interested in and do a whole course solely centered on teaching me as much as I could absorb was infatuating to me. It was for this reason that I spent so much effort making sure that I achieved good grades, despite my time off. I had my sights set on a prestigious university in London and in 2018 I received an offer to study there. However, instead of feeling excited about my future, I was engulfed with a feeling of dread. Unfortunately, due to events in my private life, my anxiety which had previously been kept under control by CBT and medication began to skyrocket. I would later learn that I developed complex PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) during this time. For the sake of keeping this blog post to a somewhat reasonable length, I will keep this account brief by saying that these difficulties eventually led to me pulling out of the London university and I decided to go to a local uni closer to home after taking a year off for my mental health (for a more detailed account you can look at one of my previous IG posts published 24/05/20).

Expectations vs...

I was excited for what awaited me at my local university; it was close enough to see my family whenever I wanted but still gave me the independence that I felt I needed to grow. Moving day came and went and it seemed to be going pretty smoothly, albeit some hiccups that came with my anxiety. It is important to note that I gave the university's wellbeing service a heads-up about my conditions before moving in so, at first, I felt confident that if I had any issues they would be able to work through them with me. However, over the next couple of weeks, my anxiety grew and grew, finally reaching its peak when my housemate turned around to me and told me that I needed to shut it about my mental health issues and stop hanging out with her. This triggered a major episode in my PTSD and I suddenly felt like I was spiraling out of control. However, despite my attendance beginning to drop and the multiple times I was having to leave lectures early due to panic attacks, I still sustained a level of confidence that my university would be able to give me the reasonable adjustments that the wellbeing team had spoken to me about before starting the term. Sure, they hadn't got back to my emails with any tangible support in weeks, but they couldn't just leave me like this...could they? All throughout my schooling, I was made to believe that educational settings were environments where any appetite to learn was nurtured and fed; education meant an opportunity to achieve anything you worked hard enough for, despite your background, disability, or start in life. Wouldn't universities be the ultimate conceptualization of this meritocracy?

Reality

Unfortunately, this vision would be quickly shattered by the stark reality of my treatment by my head of department and the well-being team. I go into more detail about this treatment in the IG post mentioned previously, but in summary I was given two choices: I get my attendance back to 100% with no support/reasonable adjustments from the university, or I leave/defer until I was "better". There was no comprehension from the uni that this wouldn't have a definable recovery date; I've been dealing with long-term mental illness since I was a child and it is something I've learned to live with alongside the appropriate support. To wait until I was "better" would potentially mean waiting forever. On top of that, I went out of my way to prove to my department that I was keeping up with my work and had achieved top marks on the most recent assignment but little recognition was given to my current grades. From the weeks since I started at university I'd met multiple people who had little passion in their subject or who were just at university because they thought it was what they should do. No hate to these people (I think the pressure young people face to go to university is a whole 'nother issue in itself) but I couldn't help but compare myself to them. The university didn't care that they had a whole student population of disillusioned young people who were indifferent to their academic fields but drew the line at a motivated student who suffered from mental illness. It became clear this wasn't an environment for people like me who were simply viewed as a wrench in the works. In December 2019, I was given no other option but to drop out of my university.

Starting again and the lessons I have learned

What was the worst blow to my mental health? Being kicked out because of my mental health...Having to leave university was a massive blow to my self-esteem and I began to catastrophize what that meant for my future. Luckily I had my family for support and my mum pushed me to look into the Open University, an institution based on distance learning. I enrolled part-time for the start of February (unfortunately I had missed the cohort to start full-time) and decided to focus on my therapy. This actually worked out great for me as in 2020 I was diagnosed with PTSD and started EMDR so being a part-time student gave me enough space to process the emotions that came up in my treatment. The Open University has been so helpful in making sure my needs are met and I have been so grateful to finally find an inclusive learning environment. It is definitely not how I planned to be experiencing university and I still do feel some disappointment in not getting the full "student experience" but it has also taught me some valuable lessons and given me a new insight into how far our education system still needs to go. These are the things I have learned:

Education isn't about degrees or academic prestige. Education is about a person's desire to learn, whether that be through books or the sheer act of being. Everyone requires different conditions to which they need to learn and thrive, and unfortunately, many academic institutions tend to expect us all to be cut from the same cloth. Despite this, no one can take away your passion to learn, and as long as you're living, you are learning.

There can be no equality without equity. The truth is people enter schooling from all different backgrounds and circumstances and it is not enough for institutions to treat everyone the same. In terms of mental health, many people are quick to say they recognise that mental illness can be just as debilitating as physical illness however until they put the actions and policies into place to make environments more tolerant and accessible then their words mean nothing. This means taking the time to talk to individual students about what they require and realise that the most important thing that a university can do is create a place where EVERYONE can learn. Schooling creates the foundations on which the future of our society is built and the fact that inclusion is barely making it on the blueprint is scary to me.

COVID has shown that in this digital age, attendance ISN'T everything. If only I could go back to that final meeting with my head of department and tell him that in a few months time everyone's attendance would be at 0%! Seriously though, this is a wake-up call to how simple accessibility can be if you just invest in a good digital learning platform that allows for people who can't attend in person to still be included.

You can be an academic and still put your mental health first. Despite what my first university led me to believe, my time at the OU has shown me that you do not have to sacrifice one over another. In fact, it has shown me that my mental health recovery and student journey can work hand-in-hand, encouraging each other along.

But most importantly...

It has shown me that despite the pressure to make your university years fit into a nice, neat package of fun, good grades, and self-enlightenment, it most likely won't happen like that. That's okay, let it go and keep moving.

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