#it sucks :'(( but at least there's love and connection yk :')?

[rubydubydoo122]

What characterisation do Thomas and Martha Wayne have (in your opinion. canon is all over the place again)? And how would they interact with the Batkids?

I am a personal fan of Girlboss Martha Wayne, and Kind-soft Thomas Wayne.

The Kanes are a millitary family, so it just makes sense to me that Martha is tougher and all that. And Thomas followed the Hippocratic oath no matter what the circumstance was, so in my brain it makes sense that he was a lot softer.

Though, I don't think Canon Bruce would know Martha's tough side, because she was probably a total boy-mom, and coddled Bruce //pos, but as he grew older, she was definitely the tough love kind of mom. Pretty strict. Made him finish Med school.

idk why, but I feel like they would treat Dick more as their son, because Bruce started parenting him at a young age. Like, if Bruce said yes to Dick, but Martha said no, it was a No. If Dick really wanted something he knew Martha and Bruce would say no to, he would got to Thomas, and yeah.

With Jason, they definitely are more Grandparent-y with him-- at least Thomas is in full on Grandpa mode by the time Jason rolls up, but also, we know Jason's mommy issues. We know he would totally suck-up to Martha. So she would fill in that mother role, but more often than not, she would give Jason what he wanted If Bruce said No to something, Jason would ask Martha, and she'd say yes, and it drives both Bruce and Dick up a wall because Where was this leniancy when they were growing up? (Basically, what I'm saying Bruce is their oldest child, Dick is their middle, and Jason is their youngest-- but Jason is still more Bruce's child, just with more parenting help)

Cass is their little angel. They watch her ballets, and spoil her, and youngest daughter type beat. She's Grandpa's and Daddy's girl. And Martha would love finally having another girl in the family.

Idk if Jason dies in this world or not but either way, I think Martha and Thomas would treat Tim like the kid next door, just to put a bit of emotional distance, or they would treat him more like a grandchild. Though, I do feel like they would play off of Tim's unspoken bounderies.

Steph is the family-friend girlfriend. If yk what I mean. She's the one Martha's rooting for to eventually get with one of her children/grandchildren, and any person Tim, or Cass bring home will most likely never hold the place in Martha's heart reserved for Steph. (this also technically applies to Jason, but Jason never brings anyone home so ya)

Duke would be treated similarly to Tim, they would play off of his bounderies. Be Grandparent-y if he was accepting of that. I mean, Duke's parents are alive, just jokerized, so....

Damian gets the crazy stories from their youth Grandparents. I'm not gonna explain. He's their youngest grandchild. He gets the crazy stories that Blows Dick's mind because "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVE CONNECTIONS TO THE MOB, BUBBE???!!!"

Thomas would be against getting any and all of the animals Damian asks for, but then spends more time with Ace and Titus, and Alfred (the cat) and Batcow, and GOLIATH than he does with any of his kids/grandkids. His excuse--"You all moved out! What else am I 'posed to do?"

I also feel like Thomas would play a different sport with each of the kids. Tim taught him how to skateboard, and now he's the coolest grandpa at the skatepark.

[nartml]

"Itachi was a good brother"

"He did nothing wrong"

Sigh

CW: Entirely unorganized, I had thoughts to express and no order in which to do so.

What are some of y'all on? Respectfully, what are some of you guys talking about? Why is this even a debate? Some hardcore Itachi stans need to get their eyesight checked 😭

There are ways to acknowledge a character's tragedy, their impossible situation, the excruciating circumstances they're under, without justifying genocide and inhumane torture.

Itachi was a tool. Thoroughly manipulated by everyone, and exposed to horrifyingly gruesome sights at a young age. He was a tool, which did Konoha's bidding, followed instructions to a T. And yes, the stuff that he's done will forever haunt him. He possibly hasn't known a moment of true peace or happiness in his life. All very tragic.

That said, he still. Well, sucks. And fucked up badly. You can feel sympathy for him –you probably should– and I do too. But the fact that he didn't regret it makes me side eye him.

His clan was planning a revolution, because they were all alienated, discriminated against, victims of unbelievable prejudice and racism based on a bunch of nonsensical bullshit (fuck Konoha btw)

So naturally, when the government mysteriously found out, he was ordered to slaughter all his people –including pregnant women and little kids– mercilessly. And naturally, he did as they asked.

But he couldn't kill his little brother, because apparently "Konoha's orders were not more important than your life, Sasuke, doesn't he love you so much".

So instead of killing him, he makes him relive the massacre of his family a cool 500k times, then sets him up for a lifetime of hatred, pain, anger, bitterness, survivor's guilt and loneliness.

Manipulates Sasuke's worldview, makes him believe that in order to achieve his goal of killing him (something that Itachi set him up for as well btw), he needs to be entirely isolated without any sort of connection to other people. Shows up 5 years later, traumatizes Sasuke some more, tells him he needs to kill his best friend. Yk, all the stuff a good older brother does.

Then some years later Sasuke manages to kill him, just as Itachi wanted, and Itachi ofc pokes him on the forehead, even in death keeping his distance from Sasuke without ever clarifying what it means.

Isn't he just the loveliest?

He's a tragic character with an abundance of issues, who absolutely fucked Sasuke's life entirely, and no matter how much you kick your feet and scream, he's not a good older brother.

"But he loved Sasuke so much"

I'm sure he did; at least in a twisted sort of way. But holy shit, this might blow your mind to smithereens, just because you love someone doesn't mean you love them right, that you're good for them, or did good to them.

Itachi loved Sasuke, but he sure as fucking shit did not love him right, was not good for him, nor did good to him.

"But Itachi was so guilty, it's not like he was having fun when doing all this, he'll forever be traumatized by what he did"

This shouldn't even be up for debate. Feelings, intentions and actions are not of equal importance. The impact of an action you took is more important than your intentions and/or your feelings regarding that action. One is tangible and affects others, the other is internalized and all you.

Itachi's situation was complicated, and there was no realistic outcome where everyone is happy. He was cornered, more or less.

So he held his head down and did as he was told.

Regardless of how he felt about it before, during and afterwards, despite his intentions and reasoning for what he did to both his clan and Sasuke, despite the guilt he feels, it doesn't change the cold, hard reality of the negative impact he had on his little brother and his family's name. Sure, intentions/feelings/reasoning plays a role in feeling sympathy for him, but you gotta hold him fucking accountable for the atrocities he committed.

You could say that he did it for peace, because the revolution would've been bloody, that Konoha had to do what it did to avoid countless deaths, or whatever bullshit arguments y'all want to make. It's inconceivable to me how you can't even hear the wrong in those statements.

Konoha did not do it for peace, there was NOTHING peaceful about any of it, no justification for it. If you think genocide is the only solution to a rebellion that hasn't even been executed yet, then I guess y'all's mindsets are way too fucked up and you should look into it. Konoha most certainly used this coup as an excuse to rid itself of the thorn that were the Uchihas. Because you know what ended up happening?

Konoha, the very government who orchestrated this, ended up then writing Itachi off as living proof of "the curse of hatred", as someone who went insane because of the clan's innate ugliness, that damned, forsaken curse that no wretched member of that family can shake off. Entirely shoved this disgusting, fucked up situation under the mat.

In the end, when it's time to write the history books, Itachi and the Uchiha clan will be registered as vile creatures who were full of hatred and that's how they'll be remembered. No justice was served for them, and that is heartbreaking.

___________________________________________

TL;DR

Moral of the story: Konoha sucks, Itachi was not a good brother and did a lot of things wrong, and the Uchiha clan is a forever misunderstood tragedy.

Bonus: fuck Tobirama "curse of nonexistent wiener" Senju

___________________________________________

To clarify something:

I am not one of those haters who sit on their moral high horse, point fingers and go "They're such a horrible person, I would never do such a thing. Look at me, the angelic good person, I can't even fathom how someone could do this". Shut up, you're annoying, and what you're saying makes no sense, because you quite frankly can't know what you'd do if you were in that character's shoes, and moreover, it doesn't even matter because it's, guess what, not about you. Quit judging how much of a "scumbag" a character is based on your morality without showing any sort of empathy or understanding of a situation.

You can't relate in the slightest (which is good in this case, I wish nobody ever relates to Itachi's situation), therefore your judgement and morals are irrelevant

Specifically talking about Itachi, I don't can't know if I would've done what he did, because I'm 120% disconnected from the circumstances and laws of his reality. If I were in his shoes and in his universe, I would be an entirely different person with different ideals. Same goes for you.

All this being said, I personally feel iffy about Itachi. I have sympathy for him, but I still think he has objectively fucked up very, very badly.

Plus, I am a Sasuke defender to my core and from a purely pro-sasuke standpoint, he annoys me.

I think I rambled a bit off topic at some point, this is a mess

[bugsbenefit]

Who’s going to die in s5 and does anyone even need to die?

putting my thoughts on this out there now because i'm curious how they will hold up with s5 canon or if the characters that i think are narratively untouchable will bite it in the opening

because objectively, no, no one needs to die. not every story needs to kill off major characters to be "dramatic". strangers things has even gone out of it's way to avoid doing that since it’s first season. the characters that Do die are always ones that were introduced in the same season with the specific purpose of dying. Barb, Alexei, Eddie, all the vecna victims

they even skirt killing main characters, like how Eddie in s4 seems to be the placeholder for Steve since they didn’t want to kill him yet. there’s also interviews saying they wanted to kill him in s1 or 2 but then didn’t because they liked his character and wanted to keep him in the story. (also a fan favourite character too yk). similarly El was also supposed to die in s1, but even before st becomes a multi season show it's implied she’s alive right in the last minutes of s1

so while St sure loves killing people (see just how many people died in lab massacre 1 in 1979, lab massacre 2 in 1984, and the flesh flayer human meat incident) you’re pretty save as long as you’re a main character and survived your first season on the show

so s5 continuing with that and not killing any main characters is definitely an option, they don't need to kill. no matter how much the audience is waiting for "stakes" to be set, not every story needs to kill it's characters

on the other hand, there’s also a lot that suggests they might kill someone for real this time. challenging the perceived safety of main characters in the last season with a world ending stakes set up in s4 seems reasonable. there’s also the more theoretical perspective that we're in the final season now and there’s no coming back for any of these characters anyway, no matter if they live or die. the logic of making it to the next season that saved some of their asses before no longer applies

it would also make sense and not be uncommon for a story to kill someone important during the final installment to make it apparent how BadTM it is. most of the audience is also aware by now that the show isn't killing long running mains so changing that rule would serve the final season well (especially if it happened before the last 2 episodes and put people more on edge for the finale, now that mains apparently aren't completely invincible anymore)

so leading up to s5, I really think the chance of them killing at least one major character for real this time is the highest it’s ever been. the question would just be, who? and I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone agree on this ever so I just want to go it over myself, get my thoughts on this out pre s5 spoilers rolling in. trying to evaluate how solid a build up for a death would be

going over various characters under the cut

there’s obviously some side characters that could reasonable die but I think would be the weakest choices, if not an outright joke at an attempt of “emotional impact” on the story

for example, they could kill Murray, there’s really nothing stopping them, but it wouldn’t be a very impactful death. the only one who has a real connection with him is Joyce. if they wanted to kill more than one character I can see them going for it, especially if they killed Murray earlier and had a bigger character die towards the end of the season. but otherwise, if he’s the only one dying it’d be funnily underwhelming. this also goes for Dimitri (depending on if he will be back for s5). easy to kill but would suck phenomenally as the only death

same for characters like Vicky and Argyle, who are both incredibly new characters so killing them would be very underwhelming. here with the added aspect of them both being minorities, and while you can obviously kill minority characters just fine, if they were the only characters dying it would look pretty bad compared to the 90% white and het cast that’d be alive. killing Vicky with her ongoing romance plot where they need to establish an entire relationship first would also be obviously stupid

moving to main and secondary characters of the show that have more significance. secondaries like:

Robin, who like Vicky and Argyle, would also be a weak choice. killing her at the end of her romance arc set up for s5 would be extremely unsatisfying in a way that doesn’t fit any of the shows themes. also again, killing just her would look horrible, and even if two people died, she’s been the public queer rep of the show before they officially had Will too post s4, would be kind of an insane choice to kill her

Steve on the other hand has much more merit to him. he’s the character we know the Duffers wanted to kill years ago and only held back due to the actors charisma and potential they saw for his story. and both of these points would be moot in a final season of the show. there’s also been enough foreshadowing of a death that would stand out on a rewatch and make it feel more planned. like the funnily long handshake he and Dustin have in s3 including Dustin stabbing Steve and him “dying”. killing him would also work to impact a significant number of characters as well as the audience since he IS a fan favourite. on the other hand, it would be a bit questionable to kill the other "guy that's close with Dustin" right after he had Eddie die on him. Eddie was a pretty clear place holder for Steve in s4, so killing Steve the season after wouldn’t be very different from a storytelling pov. but I could see them go for it, easy death, enough set up, potential to be upsetting, not whole show-vibe ruining

because compared to that, Hopper is someone I honestly don’t see dying at all. he not only had a full fake out death, the whole of s4 russia arc was about getting him back alive. if they just kill him anyways most of s4 will feel pretty pointless, especially after he’s Just at the point where he might see that he isn’t a curse on all the people around him. killing him would negatively impact his character growth AND fall flat with him already having died and come back right after. killing him fr right after he came back would honestly just be really funny, like, i don't know how serious people would even take it, i'd just expect him to come back again tbh

Joyce… is just kind of out there. killing her off would be brutal with how central of a character she is. her and Mike really were the two plot leading characters all the way back in s1 and her character seems to be a bit of a face of ST alongside with characters like El. it would also be rough on Will and Jonathan, like, character altered forever rough, so if she died these characters would have to change drastically. which would need her death to happen before the last two episodes if they wanted to do it justice. and killing her that early on would also feel odd with how much she’s a part of the core story. and of course there’s the whole deal with her just having gotten together with Hopper which should at least give her a few episodes of protection to explore that. overall, I think they could do it, but they would have to be insanely careful to pull it off well and I’m not sure it’s something they’d go for or something that's even possible to do well with only 8-9 episodes

Jonathan is someone a lot of people seem to think could die, but I also feel like a that idea comes from general lack of interest in his character. he Could die, yeah, it would also be interesting how characters dealt with it, but just like with Joyce, killing him off in the last episode would very much feel like a cheap kill for shock value since the strongest aspect of killing a character like him would be seeing the ripples it has over the story. and killing him would also put an extremely tragic end to his character arc which he hasn’t finished yet. he’s constantly parentified, steps back in favour of other people, he still couldn’t tell Nancy he wants something different than her for college, and so on. his s5 arc would have to focus more on his own growth over the series and accepting himself and his worth, so dying would be insanely tragic for him. again I feel like they Could do it, but it’s questionable if they’d be able to do it justice and not make it feel like his character is from a Shakespearean tragedy while everyone else is from a different genre

Just on reflex, Nancy is someone I don’t see dying. killing her would be really bold. all with her being one of the few women, and a character that's always been near the center of the story, and with her being the deciding party in the middle of a love triangle. but on the other hand, I could see some merit in killing her. she was the main leader in s4 and arguably already had her moment to shine when she shot Vecna (even if they still lost, it was arguably the most epically framed “win” moment of the season). she also finally got some closure on Barb’s death, ie. knowing Vecna killed her. you could also definitely argue that it would be interesting if Nancy was the one to ultimately die instead of the vision where she saw her mom, Holly, and Mike, dead (or implied to be dead, she doesn't say the word). so the longer I think about it, the more I could see a positive impact on the story. but it'd still be rough, and it would mean upsetting both Jancy and Stancy shippers by having neither have a happy ending, which, actually, would be kind of interesting, but I’m not sure the Duffers would go for

and then there’s of course the kids where it gets really hard imo. both based on the tone of ST and how it would be insanely dark

Erica is just someone I genuinely don’t think they can kill, ever. she’s the absolute youngest, also one of their 3 poc characters. don’t see any reality where she dies. they already didn't handle her character particularly well since her introduction so, no way they're insane enough to kill her

similar to my point about Hopper earlier, I also don’t see Max dying at all. she almost died in s4 during her initial encounter with Vecna, barely survived, and then got got for real and was dead pre El reviving her. her dying for real in s5 wouldn’t hit particularly hard anymore after she starts the season lost in some variation of a coma. her s5 arc already has to be about finding her, and presumably her dealing with the trauma of waking up. also whatever role she plays in the season, since we don’t know how many episodes it'll take before we can get her thoughts and actions again. killing her at the end would be kind of repetitive and absolutely fuck her character arc over since she just realized how badly she wanted to live regardless of her depression

El's character would also not have any benefit from dying, it would actively cut her character arc short, which has been a central point of every season up to now. her whole deal is learning that she’s not a monster that’s responsible for everything and figuring out who she actually wants to be as a person that can make her own decisions. her ending the series dying or sacrificing herself like so many people seem to think she will would be very weak writing imo. having her finally reach a point in s5 where she's free of Brenner, and guilt over what happened, and her het relationship with her boyfriend who doesn’t love her, and finally starts to realize who she wants to be, only to have her make the decision to die for the people she loves would just suck. it’d be compelling... if ST was a drama story and trying to tell a story of hopelessness. which is not at all what ST has been up until now and is also not what anyone involved has said s5 to be

Will is also unkillable without completely breaking the genre of the show. people are right that him dying in s5 would be full circle to s1. and showing the inevitability of the UD killing him after all and how he couldn’t get away would be fun sure, but it’s not stranger things. aside from actors already having said Will gets some form of happy ending, killing him just wouldn’t work. everyone was trying to get him back alive all the way back in s1. him eventually dying after all is a cool concept in theory, but it doesn’t work with the show at all

Mike is also hard to kill. with Byler happening, it would be insane to kill either of the two parties right after having them get together or confirm each other’s feelings. Mike is one of the characters with the most consistent allusions to something bad happening, especially in s4, with the whole set up of “hasn’t unpacked yet”, jaws poster, “death count is going to rise”, and Nancy’s whole vision about him presumably dying, but it’s much more likely he just won’t have a good time in s5, not die. he already had a fake out death as far back as s1 with the cliff, so if they want the show to go “full circle” they could just have him almost die again, or have someone Think he died for a bit. perma killing him just doesn't work with the mleven to byler arc they set up for s5

Lucas doesn’t have any death flags and there would be no benefit in killing him. killing Will for example would at least be interesting on a meta writing level if you disregard the genre of the show, but killing Lucas would just… feel insanely unjust, he's just a kid who already went through writing fuckery in s4. he also almost lost Max, and his s5 arc seems to be very focused on her and helping her. killing him off right after Max survived would just be plain bad. do not see Lucas dying in any reality

And Dustin is my "if they had to kill a kid". there Are some lines you could definitely catch on a rewatch post death that would make it feel less out of nowhere, be it the “if you die I die” said to Steve, or Suzie talking about Dustin feeling like it could foreshadow a death. Dustin also doesn’t have the protection someone like Mike has, where he’s in the central gay childhood best friends to lovers plotline

overall, I think Vicky and Argyle are essentially guaranteed to be fine. there’d be not much emotional payoff for the audience and only the killing of the few diverse characters of the cast. Robin would also be hard to kill without making it look weird with her just introduced romantic interest. Hopper and Max are too much “been there done that” to die for real. and the kids dying would at best seriously derail the expectations the show set until now and negatively fuck some of their character arcs over at worst

so. tldr, my thoughts on this: killing Joyce is possible imo, but extremely hard to do justice. similar sentiment about Jonathan, even more so bc it directly conflicts with his character's core struggle. killing Nancy would probably be the most interesting choice to go for, to me, if done well, but it’s something I don’t really see happen in the show. Steve seems like the most likely choice to die since he’d be a pretty easy kill, the audience and a significant amount of characters like him so it would have impact, there’s enough death flags to make it seem foreshadowed… would just work really well. and if any of the kids died it would have to be Dustin imo, even though I’m still of the belief that they won’t touch the kids when it comes to killing characters

also, Murray's just a free kill to me, not impactful enough on the characters to fully derail character arcs but still with the show long enough to be a bit sad to see go. if they’d kill only him it would be a bit wasted because it would feel like a copout of killing an impactful character, but if they want to kill a primary character and make stakes higher by killing someone else, Murray is the easiest to turn to for that, especially if they want someone to die in the earlier episodes

and this is just about the "main" characters (as a broad term here). characters that could also ofc die are other kids parents, police officers we know like Callahan, other side characters like Mr Clarke or the mayor. but most of these would not really have much impact on the story and would pass more as casualties along the way

the Wheelers are a bit of an in-between here, because while none of them get regular main character focus and don’t even know about the UD, they still come back every season on a personal level and have the most solid characterization out of side characters. Karen even has a noteworthy character arc, which none of the other side characters have. Holly will be fine honestly, Ted is really just there, not much screen time, i don't really see much benefit in having him die, if he did it would most likely have to be in passing or in mass casualties. so Karen would be the one I could realistically see be compelling to kill. as a side character I’d put her on a Murray level, where she’s consistently on screen and everyone knows her but she’s not really someone people would be upset for days about

the Murray treatment also goes for someone like Owens btw, where I could easily see him die as a side note (not as the main death). he's been with the show for a while but doesn't have enough impact on the story to really force you to keep him alive. there's for sure info we can still get from him in s5, but after we have a full picture of what happened with El and Henry at the lab and how Owens was involved there's really nothing keeping him alive as a character

and everyone's done, wall of thoughts over!

that’s where I’m at with all the characters as of now, especially from looking at their past arcs up to s4. I’m just really curious how this will hold up with the actual s5. Maybe they’ll just go in bold and kill someone I would have said has a 0 chance of dying right away, who knows who knows

[oddlittlestories]

Okay e3 of d20 completed. Spoilers below.

First off, e2. Riz is honestly kind of a badass?? And that whole exposition we get about like fallen angels or whatever. It makes me wonder if Mr. Gibbons was pushed into Hell or wherever bc of what Arthur did. Not just the shooting him but also the stealing a spot into heaven yk?

Poor Kristin. Her whole faith was kind of overturned bc her god wasn’t anywhere close to what she hoped. She has such an upbeat attitude to it, probably bc she was partially meh on him anyways, but I feel bad.

I think I feel worst for Fabian, having to pretend to be okay so he can feel close to his dad. And his dad isn’t even BAD he just has NO CLUE how to connect with him other than reveling on their exploits. Adaine’s experience ALSO sucks but at least she doesn’t have to pretend things are okay. (Also Gorgug’s parents 😭)

e3 is so funny. It’s SUCH traditional tt rpg bs. Something is a bit or a funny idea so you just do it. Like the clapping.

The dwarf girl getting poisoned killed me. And then the nurse asking if they want to know whether she’ll be okay *right in front of her dad* ooooooofff.

And Gorgug being the scapegoat LMAO!!!!

It reminds me. Years ago. We were joking about how tt rpg characters are always so exceptional. And my DM said, “They’re not exceptional because we’re following them. We’ve chosen to follow the story of these people in particular because they’re exceptional.” And I think that’s true of these characters. Not exceptionality maybe. But we’re following them because they have the drive to find out what’s happening here, to shake things up. Whereas other students are trying to AVOID thrusting themselves into the thick of things.

Also it’s brilliant that they start as level 1. I usually hate level one but making teens be level one is *chefs kiss*.

I wanted to roll right into the drag race so badly but I decided to listen to another podcast instead so I wouldn’t be listening to pods all night since d20 is so long. Which was a Bad Idea because I listened to one that made me sad, and another to recover, so it was a moot point lmao!!!

Anyways I love d20. I am so far behind. 3 out like 72 episodes. Keeping it rolling.

[cinna-bunnie]

thought more about it and Imma move away from The City actually 🚶🏾‍♀️rant below

it doesn't get another year's fair chance, i do not have to try so hard to find happiness and community.. if i move to my other ideal city i actually already have a community waiting for me (⁠✿ ‚‚⌒‿⌒‚‚)

that at least sounds a lot more fun than what I've been up to here and i feel like i can figure it out from there. it is also so much cheaper out there 😶‍🌫️ rent prices are crazy.. i could get something around the same size w as many rooms for almost 40% less out there.

im not a city girl ૮ – ﻌ–ა im a big town/small city kinda person and have more fun w rural folk than i do city actually 😔👉🏾👈🏾 i feel like though i have learned a lot about myself and grown, I've always been v out of my element. i don't feel like i Live here yk.. i always feel like a visitor or like I'm just in between ideal circumstances waiting for something to change significantly lol. i have been here since 2016 (⁠´⁠-⁠﹏⁠-⁠`⁠；⁠) it sucks here actually and is the only place I've been to that's this.. impersonal? disconnected, isolating etc.

🚶🏾‍♀️ anyways, this sounds like a fun new chapter for me. i wonder where the queer folk kick it at.. where r the art meetups.. i have ppl to do fun outdoorsy stuff with already.. aa im so excited (⁠ ⁠ꈍ⁠ᴗ⁠ꈍ⁠) ♡⁠ i was hesitant to leave but there's not really reason to stay.

i have friends here ig but like.. it's Different out here, ppl don't wanna connect w you or know u necessarily.. they just wanna hang out sometimes, to a perplexing degree.. even if you're close it's just more like ur comfortable really. where is the vulnerability, where is the trust, participation in each other's lives 🤌🏾 y'all wouldn't b shutting yourselves in during a depressive episode if u let ppl be there for u, i love you and it hurts to not be able to help the person u care about knowing that they are having a hard time.

i go hard for the people i care about but no one goes hard for me (⁠´⁠ ⁠.⁠ ⁠.̫⁠ ⁠.⁠ ⁠`⁠) i just think maybe i should go to where people are already waiting for me and would be excited to have me join them. i am going to have a home, i think

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

Why??? Don’t drop this chapter means a high possibility of gojo being alive him yuta and yuji will fight against sukuna trusttttt

anon i’m literally in mourning rn 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 using this ask as an excuse to rant about this chapter because i’m bitter don’t mind me

(jjk chapter 249 spoilers under cut !!)

to be clear i’m not actually dropping the manga lol i could never but i am eerily tempted <333 this is the only time i’ve actually been upset w akutami (normally i’m his white knight)……. i just feel sooo disappointed? part of me still has hope but i just. ack. :’3

first of all!!! i 100% believe gojo is alive and will return, and also that yuji & yuuta will be able to get gumi back (not sure if that’ll end well tho lmao) so i’m not worried abt that!! and i’m very hyped for sukuna vs yuuta in general, yuuta’s domain is sooo fucking sick and perfect for him!!!!

to be perfectly clear!! i’m upset about this <33

…………… i was so convinced that kenny wouldn’t die but my hopes are almost completely crushed atp… this just Feels like a death moment yk?? and i’m so disappointed not ONLY because kenny is my favorite character but also because this is such an unsatisfactory conclusion for him. :( kenny has so much depth and he’s so important for the narrative, so the fact that we didn’t get a single inner thought from him in his dying moment is like. sacreligious to me. TO BE CLEAR i LOVE his last words and the fact that he mentions takaba (kenkaba stays on top <333) and he looks super good in this panel also… but his death still feels so out of nowhere and unfinished to me.

a part of me is still hoping that he’ll survive somehow, or that we’ll at least see more of him through flashbacks or some afterlife sequence or whatnot, but i kinda…. doubt it. and that irks me. like i’m sorry but to me this just feels out of character for kenny?? he just accepted his death??? really????? he literally spent a millenium planning the merger and culling game just to satisfy his curiousity and suddenly he’s fine with not seeing it?????? i had this whole theory that kenny would find meaning in death (since it’s something completely outside his control, which is explicitly what he was searching for all along) but we didn’t get a single inner thought. no look into what he feels except that he’s happy to have met takaba (which is really sweet and i cried but that’s besides the point)…..

AND THEN THERE’S ALSO HIS CONNECTION TO YUJI. really???? we’re never gonna see a confrontation between them???? yuji is never gonna learn that kenny is his fucking mom????? even if choso tells him or whatever it doesn’t feel conclusive. i’m just mad because it feels like gege had soooo much planned that he wasn’t able to execute because the manga industry is running him ragged and that just sucks :(((( like. hahhhhh….. i just really feel that a villain as wonderful AND as important as kenny deserves more than just a couple panels for his death. naoya got more than that. obviously he was gonna die at some point but i had such high hopes for his final scene and even though i adored his fight with takaba it doesn’t feel right for him to die here.

so as u can tell i am extremely upset <333 i’ll get over it soon and i still have just a tinyyy bit of hope that we’ll see more of kenny but i just feel… so let down by this. i’m gonna treasure the kenkaba panel forever and ever and (again) i LOVE his last words but i just can’t feel satisfied with his death. for now i’m just gonna wait until tcb translates the chapter because the translation i read was clunky…. but i kinda doubt it’ll change much T_T

[grntaire]

thinking abt romance and getting personal abt it lol

i love my partner. i love him in a way that is easy and gentle and because he is kind and thoughtful. he's managed to be kind and gentle despite so much of the world showing him that that isn't what men are supposed to be. but i don't feel that fiery feeling. the feeling the poets describe when they speak of the passions of love. truthfully, i never have with him. and is that okay? is that enough? is what i felt as a teenager just the rush of hormones or is that what the beginnings of love should feel like? loving him has never felt like that. loving him is like a breath of air in the house you grew up in if you grew up in a house you loved. it's comfortable and easy. but i'm starting to think i want love that feels like a breath of air in a place you've wanted to go to your whole life, and finally got the chance to visit. is it a disservice to myself to stay with him? is it a disservice to him to stay with him?

am i unrealistic to want the type of passion and fire i see in stories? a love like that must exist in order to inspire stories of such passion, right? i think i've always been a bit of a romantic but really suppressed it when i went to college. i think i resigned myself to not ever having a love that feels big. it very easily could have been a self-esteem thing, too.

but the thing with my partner is that i've never felt so wholly accepted by someone as i do with him. i don't think there's much of anything i could say or do (within reason yk) that would make him love me any less. i don't know if there's much he could do to make me change how i feel either.

because here's the thing–i fully can be happy without romance. at least for a great while. i'm at this point now, though, where i feel like i want so much more out of my life. not to dead poets society too close to the sun but i want to suck the marrow out of life, yk? and i'm not sure if love like this is what i want. i know it feels nice, at least for now, and we've talked openly about how i'm figuring my shit out and that like, fuck, maybe sometime down the line we break up and he's said that he's happy just to be with me here and now and that's all that matters to him. which is so kind and i almost wish he was a dick about it lmao.

i have felt big, passionate feelings for someone once since i was a teenager. for someone who i *absolutely* cannot have, for so many reasons that i definitely can't talk about on a post like this. i didn't share these feelings with anyone for a while, until friends started commenting on our dynamic. only then did i confide in them that i did, in fact, have the feelings that they joked that i had. and then, one time, friends noticed looks that this person made towards me. looks that went truthfully unnoticed by me but ones that my friends all independently saw themselves. and in a way, i was relieved that it seems like it was a reciprocal connection. that i wasn't crazy and making it up, and that they seemed to share some semblance of those feelings, too. with that knowledge, though, and knowing that it's something that definitely can never be pursued, it breaks my heart a bit. that that type of connection is out there, with someone who upon first meeting them felt like i had already known them for my whole life, for several lives before, and to know that i can't chase it. it sucks.

is it fair to me, to him, to stay with my partner knowing that it's possible for me to feel a love like this, despite not feeling it towards him? not that i don't love him–it's just such a different type of love. and i don't think it's the type of love i pictured for myself.

which leads me to this thought: how many people are in relationships that feel just like mine? and how many people are in relationships where that burning feeling is there? i mean, is my love for my partner just an elevated friendship kind of love? (i think all love is that, to an extent. all romantic love to me has always felt like something built off of truly being each others' best friend)

idk. this is super personal and emotional and it's hard to talk about love even with friends.

[magicalara]

The Story of Grelle the Reaper: A review by yours truly

So basically I'm in love with @eemoo1o-animoo's story The Story of Grelle the Reaper (TSOGTR) even if there's only the prelude and the first chapter thus far and to show my appreciation, I wanted to do a full on like review/analysis sort of thing. If you haven't read it, I HIGHLY recommend you do (and yk I mean it bc I out it in caps, italics, and bold) you can find it here. As more of the story comes out, I'll continue on doing this because I like to analyze and comment on literature and this one is one of those examples of a great thing to look at.

Okay long winded intro over onto my thoughts starting with the Prelude~

I'd also like to add that this will probably get pretty long so...yeah. Another add on, I was messaging Ell themselves while writing a portion of this idk if you can tell but it'll influence more chapter one things just wanted to add it.

Prelude

So the prelude isn’t very long, which like duh, it’s a prelude. Some are long, but this one isn’t and I think that that is a charming point for it. I’ve read preludes that were miles long and some which were one sentence and both suck. The length of just a few paragraphs feels just right here; enough to set up a small bit of story to come while not giving away too much. If I wasn’t a Black Butler fan already and didn’t know about how reapers came to be, I’d be hooked just from the mystery of it all. What led this “her” to want to be at this point? What does she want to be “free” from? The grasps of life itself, or perhaps something more? Either way, the length gives just enough to where even someone who doesn’t already have knowledge on the Kuroverse could come in and get hooked.

That all aside, there are some lines I’d like to point out as well to just give my initial thoughts on. These are more bullet-pointy so have at it with my thoughts:

“Dark clouds rolled across the tempestuous seas…”

I’ll go more into this when I reach the first chapter proper but the weather is something which is used to create the atmosphere (duh, Em, get to your point). What I mean by this is that the way that the weather, the dark clouds, the rain that gets mentioned later on, the roaring sea, the “calloused waves”, is all an amazing way to show the absolute turmoil that Grelle is in. The weather is so symbolic of her feelings as she takes in her, at least what she knows to be, final moments. This all makes more sense later when I’ll mention it in my analysis/review of chapter 1.

“The rain washed the rouge from her cheeks, but the sow’s blood still clung to her skin and stained her white frilled shirt.”

First, I have to mention the “sow’s blood” part because I don’t know if this was supposed to connect to anything but when I looked up what “sow” was Macbeth came up and bro I can’t get away from that fucking play. A sow is a female pig for anyone else wondering, by the way, and in Macbeth, a sow’s blood is used in the witches’ spell in the beginning of the play. The whole part is alluding to the fact that they are using the blood of a mother pig who ate her baby and it’s supposed to show a dark, gruesome ritual taking place and some even have taken it as a parallel to how a mother should protect her babies, not slaughter like Macbeth later does when he (spoiler) starts killing people. I don’t think that this is meant to mean anything in relation to TSOGTR, but if it does, it’s probably just for that dark aspect. (There’s a bit more that I can say on this pig part in a different context entirely, but I’ll leave that to chapter 1).

For the line itself without too many other deeper meanings, I’d like to say that the description of the blood still being there and the rain not being able to wash it all away is symbolic of how Grelle is past the point of no return in terms of she’s dying and no one’s going to stop her. She is committed to the bit and will be killing herself. Another thing that comes to mind is the frequent use of the rain being able to wash away all our sins in just daily life and how, here, the rain can’t do that. The rain will not wash away the sins that she feels she carries, just the same as it will not wash away the blood.

“I’ll be free, like a bird.”

There’s a lot more use of the “free, like a bird” analogy in the following paragraph but I’m just quoting this first line to make it not as confusing. Freedom is…a difficult thing to define, especially as someone who knows Grelle’s fate after this. Here, freedom means simply that she doesn't have to be kept down by the shackles of what is expected of her. By killing herself, she is free from expectation. Of course, we Black Butler fans know that she goes from that sense of freedom to being shackled down again by the Grim Reaper Dispatch, however, she doesn’t at this moment. At this moment, Grelle is “Light as a feather, free as a bird.”, as is later said. I like the juxtaposition that this creates as someone who knows where she’ll end up. 

So the next part I wanna call out before going over to chapter 1 is the switch in pronouns in the second to last sentence. The line reads “Then, pain filled her head and blood filled the air, before he hit the water.” I highly doubt that this was accidental and, if it is, oops. If not, then I absolutely love that. The way that I read it is that the “her” and the “she” that we have been reading about this whole time is Grelle in her head. It’s all her thoughts and how she herself views it. This “he” that suddenly appears, however, is the physical being, Grell. Grell is not the Grelle that we have been reading in the paragraphs prior. Grell is the physical body that Grelle is inhabiting. Grell is the one that hits the water, not Grelle. Grelle is filled with emotional pain and Grell is filled with physical pain as he is the one to hit the water, not her. Like I said, I don’t know if that is intentional or not but if it is holy shit is that such an amazing way to put it and I’m obsessed. 

~~~~

And that’s the prelude. For the ones who are still here, wow congrats, take a break, drink some water. Now you know how complicated and long winded my thoughts get so are you sure you wanna continue? That’s supposed to be a joke. I’m not funny… ANyways, the prelude is a great way to get me hooked onto the story (not like I needed it, I was hooked from first mention), and is also a good intro for anyone who just happened to stumble upon it. Black Butler lovers and non-Black Butler lovers can unite in the start of something which is obviously of quality work here. I’m excited to see where it leads us to next.

[nautilus-that-eats-hyacinths]

hate the new dashboard so much aaaaaaa

but this isn't what this post is about. this is another one of my rant about myself, my life and society posts that I could only post on Tumblr cause I'm deadly scared people will judge me for how I feel, or just no one will relate to me but here it goes.

so I'm a teen girl (?) right, and I have a loving and caring boyfriend who loves me for all I am, and I have been (dated and kissed and stuff TM) with other people, but I just feel so fucking undesirable. Like. All the time. I'll look at myself in the mirror maybe twice a week and go huh wow I look hot/cute! And all the bathrooms I use have unavoidable mirrors so...

But the thing is, I have kinda always felt like this? Like obviously not always, I was indeed a baby once but I feel like ever since I've realized I am "a woman" (probably around like 6yo), or that I was supposed to be a woman someday, I feel like I've had this need to feel desirable. Maybe it's like trauma from my parents being kinda distant, but I remember so so clearly feeling like I wanted to be pretty to school cause I wanted boys to like me, that I had to use my cutest clothes when we got to not wear uniform (non-USAmerican here amen), that my friends were always cuter than me. And like, I didn't- still don't- want to date many people, or want to have sex with many people or even kiss many people, I'm literally demisexual, but I just have this need for people to want me. Not to have like my love corresponded, or even my attraction corresponded, like one way want towards me.

And like this feels so mean? Like I want people to like me but I won't like them back. Like bro tf???? Why do you want to hurt people like that??? But also it's not about them, like, it's not gonna happen, I have never had many people falling for me and wanting me, so I'm not actually gonna hurt someone, but I kinda feel like a monster for like indirectly wanting to hurt people

Also this really sucks cause my friends are so desirable. Like they have more developed bodies (I look like 3 years younger than I am- and this leads to another topic that I could only debate on Tumblr so I might make a post about it lol), or at least are more extroverted and easy to approach/befriend, or are cuter and like. This is the stupidest shit but I feel like I'm the ugly one- I'm not even ugly, people have liked me, my bf says my body is perfect for him, and still, I don't get people wanting to kiss me at parties, I don't get people asking my friends if I'm single, or if I might open my relationship, I don't get people asking my friends for my number, I don't get people telling their friends that I'm hot (my school is pretty small/connected so we kinda do hear everything one way or another) and all my friends get this and it is absolutely stupid, and I know I'm just being an overly emotional teen but fuck, it hurts

And maybe this is all because I am clearly dating and like the whole school knows at this point, so no one would approach someone so obviously unattainable, but also, maybe, from the depths of my low self esteem, maybe I am just that undesirable that all my friends are so wanted by so many people and I get maybe one person a year maximum who is interested in me

And like I'd like to talk to my boyfriend about this cause yk, he's my best friend, I like talking to him and being comforted and feeling safe and letting go of my insecurities a bit by wording them and sharing them, but I'm scared that he's gonna think it's his fault somehow or that he's not enough when he literally could never be enough for this stupid irrational need because I want many people to be attracted to me and desire me and he's literally just one person like babe, you can't do mitosis sweetheart.

And I think maybe this comes from learning (internalizing but not rationalizing) as a young kid that what gives power to a woman is her influence, and women are given influence most often (not by their fault, obvs) by how attractive they are. Or maybe this is just bs and it's inherent to my messed up brain. Or it has a different societal cause that I haven't stopped to think about or process yet

[schoenht]

BAHAHAHHA THE TAAAGS I LOVED IT

I can def see Spotify holding on STRONG even on another world 🤣 LIKE IT ALWAYS PERSISTS EVEN ON TERRIBLE INTERNET CONNECTION

Neeeexttt questioooooon

Which character is your favorite to write? And which is the least favorite? You gotta give us some reasons too, gimmegimme~~

NO BC. THE SONGS WILL BE THERE. BUT YOU CAN ONLY LISTEN TO A FEW. that's just how spotify works !

ok I'll be so fr i LOVED writing for mc bc it didn't feel like. one sided yk? Personally in the game it feels one sided and like they aren't really answering you so this felt slightly more immersive at least to me. BUT IF NOT MC, i genuinely enjoyed writing for floyd he was so funny to write bc yes he's a silly guy tbh and it wasnt that hard ?? He acts like i do over text (although i would slip into my apostrophe and grammatically correct habits so that SUCKED), same with ruggie !! Only i put ruggie as someone rlly close to mc bc i just thought it'd be cute for ruggie and mc to be best friends since they're both broke and funny together

ok my least favorite had to be neige AND NOT FOR THE REASONS YOU THINK he's just a very soft and kind character, which is kinda difficult to write ? "but sol, what about kalim??" i could write in caps and it'd work for him, but neige was a bit harder, especially since he came in the later acts and his character was harder to get a grasp on

[rdiowx]

man. i bet Frank has a chest fixation. sucking hickeys on his boyfriends chest and sucking his nips or nipping at them. and maybe he’s got a thing for other regions too! likes to squeeze thighs and ass. loves making his boyfriend gasp when he walks by and slaps his ass. sorry if this is a lot 😭

LORD

Not being able to walk around your house with your shirt off while gerard ray and mikey are hanging out there cause they will not let you live it down either.

“Holy shit what happened to you?”

“yk just got in a fight with the vacuum.” While glaring at frank who has a stupid smirk on his face

Then proceeding to go make coffee just for him to slap your ass as you walk past (ur so tired of him but u love him)

And on top of that literally having to physically pull frank off your chest while ur laying down. Even if you do have a shirt on he will come over and pull it off and attach himself to you like a sucker fish to glass.

U have literally woken up several times to him sucking on ur nipples almost slapping the shit out of him in the process cause he bit one of them.

Dont get me started on thighs either omg

Literally always squeezing them. Ur both watching a movie and if hes not connected to your chest he is laying on ur thighs or has at least a hand on them

[taegularities]

Ah Rid, you don't have to worry about me truly. I've just been in my feels recently and especially tonight. I hope this little ramble doesn't just pile on bad vibes onto you when you're already feeling down because that's the last thing I want 🥺🥺🥺 But I guess it's better if I don't just let these thoughts fester in my head huh?

It's really not even anything that bad or big, but lately I've just felt quite... lonely irl. Or maybe more like craving deeper human connection? Because I do have people around me that I talk to and hang out with but it doesn't exactly feel enough. And thinking about it more it doesn't even have to be romantic (although that's where my brain went to at first) but just something closer, more intimate and personal.

All of that had me thinking back to the many friendships I've been in in the past years and how the atmosphere in a lot of them was very negative, so that's why I kept changing friend groups a lot. And then I was finally in a place where I had two very close girl friends and everything was so positive and uplifting, it was really nice. We naturally drifted apart and I'm fine with that, I just miss that closeness and positive energy, that connection and feeling of knowing each other so well.

And I was so excited to start uni because I actually love the process of initially getting to know people too, but now I just want something more 😔😔😔

I feel like that's definitely something that I should actively be building up too though so it feels like if it makes me so sad, why aren't I doing something about it yk? That's something I should probably think about more, how to make it happen. I just feel like not only do I want more love to be given to me, but also even more like I have so much love to give and nobody to give it to.

That being said I'm grateful for all of the people in my life. And feeling like this recently has made me appreciate everybody I've met online so so so much more than I already was. Everyone here, including you, Rid, makes me feel so so very happy and loved. It's just not easy when one of my main love languages is physical touch and everyone's all over the world and I can't actually hug you lmao.

I reeeeally wasn't sure if I should ramble to you because as I said, I didn't want to add onto your bad feelings, but I don’t think I can really say this to anyone else without feeling silly and I believe in the benefit of letting your feelings out. So thank you as always for listening, Rid. Please don't feel obligated to reply or anything if you don't have the emotional energy, it just feels good to put these thoughts out there.

I truly believe that we'll all be okay very very soon. I'm sending you the biggest hugs and all of the love in the world 💞💞💞

awh god, bby :((

reading this made me so sad. don't feel bad about it, it just means i care btw! i just hate that so many people have been feeling that way. i honestly get that 100% bc i too have been feeling a lot like this in the past few months.

loneliness sucks. sometimes you want to talk about something, but you don't know with whom. or sometimes, you want to go for lunch or dinner or go see a movie but can't figure out who to ask. i get it... i think there's always a point in life when loneliness strikes hardest, but i think we need to keep in mind that it's not our fault, or at least not always.

like, you said you know you could change it if you just tried, or that you need to push yourself harder. which is good. it's always great to acknowledge what can be done. but, and i always tell that myself too, it's not always easy and that's okay!! don't put yourself down. like, opening up can be fkn hard, especially after this stupid pandemic, so it's genuinely okay if it takes some time, you know? i was excited for uni as well bc i thought i could finally make new friends, but then you enter the room and just... ugh it's hard. ofc we crave intimate relationships of any kind, and yes friendships drift apart, but finding new ones just requires patience i think.

those are all things i tell myself daily. bc otherwise id spiral more lol and yes i'm so so thankful for everyone here, too. i love all my virtual moots and friends and readers and everyone, but it stinks that i can't hug anyone, so yeah ofc we'd want that irl warmth.

it'll happen !! take your time, dive into relationships step by step, doesn't have to happen overnight. there's this jk biased army girl, right? try with her if you'd like, but don't push yourself too hard. be comfortable. and also, never feel bad for venting, bc while i worry, your pain won't add to mine. like, i like to help.. so it's alright, anytime. and yeah, we'll be okay, at least at some point, you're right my love 💕

[wsdanon]

I haven't written much on that specific idea, for all it lives in my head (there's a lovely bit earlier in the series where Felps begs Pac to not just give up and let himself be killed but he gets interrupted so never hears the reply of 'for you', which I adore, but is *much* more embedded into the au and plot and stuff itself. And I'm not sure you're in the mood for being thrown face-first into an alien invasion au where the relationship you like is to one side). I do however have one bit set after which doesn't need much to any knowledge of it! You may have already seen it idk its been on ao3 like a month. But the ship tag I used doesn't redirect to the main one yet, so er... https://archiveofourown.org/works/54009718 . This one is Felps having a very bad day! (They're still circling around each other 10+ years at that point, but Pac *does* call Felps pretty which is maybe progress)

And don't worry about it if you don't wanna read, I give because you asked, not because I expect it? Am just trying to keep you company because feeling sad sucks.

Tragic slowburn while taking care of each other my beloved. Deeply emotionally connected but absolutely not talking about or defining it. Love is there, but they will not say it. Honestly I fell in love with FelPac once I started writing it, and then I'm sat with my notes like 'fuck I want more of this'. And then failing because writing is hard. And also brain made more aus where yes there is some but also I *cannot* be starting another when I've got one at 80k+ and not even half done, you know?

Sorry, er, nice things for you... Even if you don't read the fic, which is totally fine, please know that while Felps is sleeping off the worst of his flare up Pac sits with him and makes him a flower crown so he can feel pretty when he wakes up despite being yk sick and so feeling a bit gross.

(I'm mostly anon because my mcyt one is a side account. And sometimes I don't anon anyway, but things are a bit spicy in the fandom atm so I'd rather not, you know?)

oh wait yes i have read some of this \o/!!! wow!! i regularly check the felps tag and usually just check the felpac tag when i'm in a rereading mood, it's sad your fic hasn't linked up yet but it's not a very popular tag (only 12 fics, 13 including yours) so i guess that might be why (i don't really know how it works)

anyway i really enjoyed the fics of this au i've read \o/!! i'll have to go back and look into it more properly but yes… reading is a bit difficult right now… also, yes writing too… we're stuck in a similar situation sadly

for my aus i like to mess around with it--slowburn, maybe not so slowburn, etc--but for canon i like the slowburn at least a little. like festa junina happens and it's still a while before they do anything… i like to imagine they'll get there eventually, but either way they're still deeply emotionally connected like you said. i'm really glad to see more people are getting into felpac \o/!!!

also yeah same i have a few aus but… i'm already writing two multi-chapter fics i absolutely can't start any more. too overwhelming 80k words is very impressive \o/!!

[theleafunderneath]

Yk. It sucks to love somebody and love so unconditionally you’d do everything for them.

I loved just being with him. Before I knew it I fell for him. Best friends for two years and I finally realized that I loved him. We laughed, talked about anything and everything, made our inside jokes, gave telepathic eye glances when something worth mentioning happened, shared deep thoughts that we wouldn’t share with anybody else. Talked about love, people, our lives, our families, our faiths. Then I realized I needed to be somebody worth falling for.

Becoming a better person, taking accountability, learning how to listen, learning everything about how to maintain a healthy life to keep everything in balance, to keep him.

hell yeah! We’re dating!

Then comes conflict, and by his naivety he breaks it off and our entire friendship and relationship crumbles. I couldn’t just be friends with him after I gave him my heart and he left it. I know I was his first mistake but it still hurt. I have some self respect at least.

Then I heal. And it takes months. I write poetry, I cry, I listen to music to take my mind off of it but everything reminds me of him. Everything. it doesn’t matter what I’m doing, I’d see him and us and all our inside jokes. My friends are tired of hearing his name, so I keep quiet about everything that reminds me of him. “Oh! We did that together once.” rings in my head. “He loves apples, maybe I should get him one.” “He would love this stupid tee.” “His favorite color is yellow so maybe I can make him a yellow keychain and give it to him once his birthday comes around.” Even though his birthday is in May and it was February.

Then, one day it goes away. We still talk, we’re still friends. But it’s different this time around. We can still laugh and joke, I see him nearly every day but I find myself wanting to see him less and less. I hardly notice when he comes into the room, I don’t recognize his voice first when I hear the choir sing, and I don’t go out of my way to sneak a glance anymore. Now I feel confident I don’t love him anymore.

If he ever came back I can’t see us working long term anymore, I don’t see him with my rose-colored glasses, and I don’t think we’d click. Why did I ever like him in the first place? Why did I hold on for so long? Why on Earth did I cry over him? He wasn’t worth the trouble.

and then we laugh. And I look into his eyes when he smiles. Everything is like it was back before we even dated. Inside jokes, telepathic eye glances when we hear something worth mentioning, we talk. I’m glad we’re friends. I’m happy he’s still in my life and he still makes me happy. He makes me laugh, I can talk to him about anything. Our values are perfectly aligned, our humor, our music taste, our chemistry and connection. I wonder if he thinks the same.

Then I remember exactly why I fell for him in the first place a year and a half ago. Fuck.

I fell in love with him again.

[satans-arse-crack]

I know no one is gonna see this or even care but I really just need to rant somewhere that no one I’m close with is gonna possibly see, don’t know if any of this is gonna make sense it how long it’s going to be but oh well I don’t think there’s a character limit (clearly never posted on here before😭) this is also probably gonna look weird cause it’s on my phone but I don’t care. If anyone does happen to see or read this I apologise for the awful grammar and language I’m just not good a words and shite 😂

—————————————————————————

I’m so fed up of being alone. I’m fed up of being the ugly friend. I’m fed up of being the weird friend. I’m fed up of feeling like an outcast with my own friends. I’m fed up of feeling so lonely.

I feel so alone constantly, I feel like I have no one to fall back on that I can truly trust, I have friends but none of them feel my closest bestest friends yk, I do have a best friend but even tho I trust her a lot I still don’t trust her with my full heart cause of stuff she’s done in the past. I have maybe 2 people I would class as “close” friends, I mean one is my best friend who I’ll call E and my other friend is someone I met through red dead but I don’t know a lot about him he’s a very private person. I have other friends but we’re not super close or not as close as me and E. And don’t get me wrong I love my other friends it just feels different if that makes sense. I have lost so many friends in the past 4-5 months due to so many different issues like them leaving school or us just falling out, I can probably count on MAYBE (very big maybe cause honestly I don’t know) both my hands how many good friends I currently have in and out of school and even then I don’t know if they would class me as a good friend or not

Even tho I have friends I still feel so lonely in this world, even with friends and family surrounding me that love me i still feel alone and it’s so strange cause you would think that having people surrounding me that love me would make me feel less alone but apparently not. (Keep suddenly crying my eyes out while writing this shit😭) I just want someone that I can have an almost deep emotional connection with, someone that doesn’t judge me, someone who I can just be my weird ass self around, someone who I can share the same interests with and yk get along with, someone who I don’t have to hide the things I like from or tone myself down for. In short I want a relationship or something real fucking close to it. Now my sense of love and relationships has been warped by this god forsaken app but I just want someone who loves and appreciates me for who I am. I always see shit of people who are so coupley and in love and it makes me sick and sad cause I want something like that. First ever and only relationship I’ve had was weird to say the least, we suddenly became friends and we’re really good friends for 6 months then he asked me out like the day before his birthday, we then dated for 6 months and honestly it was good, but by the last month or so he was hella distant and weird until one day after school the mf snapped me saying “muchos apologies but it think it’s best we break up” 💀💀 anyways like 1-2 weeks after he got back with his ex who he told me he had only dated to get rid of his feelings for me. So my standards and my whole relationship ideals are very low to say the least. I mean I can’t really expect to have somebody when I don’t put myself out there but I’m way to socially anxious for that shit, and with the way I look I have no chance of getting anyone 💀

I hate being the ugly friend AND weird friend, that shit sucks so much ass. I hate everything about myself, the way my hair never seems to look nice or sit the way I want it, I hate my around ass face that makes me look fat as well as my weird double chin, whenever I look down at my phone and open like Snapchat and the camera is facing me I’ve gotta see my double chin looking thing and it makes me feel sick, I hate that I have a weirdly long face that again makes me look super ugly, I hate that my teeth are so crooked and weird and I always forget they look like that so when I see photos of myself smiling I feel disgusted with myself that I look like that. All of those reasons are why I hate photos of videos being taken of me cause I genuinely look so fucking ugly in everything. And people always say like “oh no your look fine” “ oh your so pretty what are you on about” but I genuinely don’t know where they’re getting that idea from like it stumps me cause I look at myself and all is see is something horrendous.I wish I just naturally looked nice like all friends like they genuinely just seem to wake up and they look so nice whereas I look like I’ve been beaten to a pulp and not mended then thrown off a 100 story building. (I didn’t realise how long this whole rant has been but it’s not like people are gonna see or care about it anyways😂)

I hate feeling like an outcast with my own friends, so my kinda friend group in school consists of E,F and I. Now me and E have been close to best friends for about 5 years now, I’ve known F for about the same time but we’ve never been super close like we’ve had classes together over the years and we’ve been in the same friend group but I always found him kinda judgy especially with his other group of the like semi popular girls. Anyways whenever E and F start talking a lot and just kinda leave me out I feel like they don’t like me but then me and E have say the next class together and all of a sudden it’s like they didn’t just basically ignore me, it also makes me feel kinda outcasted when they start saying stuff or quoting things that I just don’t know or understand cause I like very different things to F whereas E likes stuff both F and I like. It’s most annoying I’m maths because sometimes they just start talking about stuff and don’t include me cause I’m doing my work or something then I try tune in but don’t understand what they’re saying or they don’t explain it to me, now I’m not a math wizz to whenever I get stuck on something and I try and ask E for help she usually gets kinda annoyed at me and like explain it in an annoyed ton, sometimes she does help out and is good about it but most the time she gets so pissy with me. But if F asks either of us for help and I try and explain it to him E usually talks over me to explain it to him and it’s so fucking annoying cause then I have to just stop talking and let her explain it to him. But see whenever she asks for help and I give it to her (quite nicely may I add) she’s all fine with it and accepts the help, but see when she asks what an answer is for a question and I say “oh I don’t know” she gets semi annoyed at me just cause I don’t have the answer straight away. Now don’t get me wrong we all help each-other out a lot of the time and get along but those events happen quite often. Me and E are still really close and always will be but so many things keep happening that just piss me off

Now it’s time for short sentence rants cause why not: school is shite, I hate my job sometimes, my friends piss me off sometimes, I’m so lonely, I hate myself, I hate the way I look and my personality, my parents royally piss me off alot, why does being unholy automatically make my life 10x worse, why do people have such high expectations of me, I never know what personality I should chose to interact with people, why do I have to be so socially anxious half the time, why am I so stupid I can’t do the most basic things especially in school, why can I never do anything right, why is it so hard to make friends,why does it feel like everyone hates me?.

Anyways I hope you enjoyed my Ted talk as it was a very long and strange one. I genuinely dont expect anything from this cause I’m gonna be honest I can’t remember if people even follow my account or not, highly doubt anyone is gonna care for this either but oh well, I really had to get a lot of this out even if I made my cry a million times while writing it 😭

Toodlepip my darlings 😘

(P.S ignore all bad grammar and spelling)

[fave-fanfic-for-now]

I’m Yours

Fem!reader

Warnings: Smut, loss of virginity, mentions of violence, swearing, 18+

Requested: Yes - din taking reader’s virginity maybe???? really soft yk something like that 

Masterlist

“I officially hate today!” You scream as you enter the Razor Crest, throwing the bounty in carbonite and collapsing on the floor while you sulk.

As the door shuts, you hear Mando climb down the ladder and carefully approach you. Kneeling down beside you while his hand hovers over your body, trying not to touch you in case you’re hurt.

“Are you hurt?” He asks, his voice tinted with slight worry.

“No, not really, just a sprained ankle and some bruising. Bastard shot me in my armor.” You respond not looking at him. “I’m careful, but no matter what happens, I always get shot, yes it’s in the armor, but it doesn’t matter. Even when I’m nowhere near a gunfight, I still get hit. Remember that time we were walking through town and I got pinged by a stray bullet, it’s my fucking curse.” You roll onto your back, looking at Mando, but also looking through him as you remember the fights you’ve been through. “How about when the stormtrooper aimed at you and hit me, me of all people, I wasn’t even close to you. And that time when I was walking into the ship and some farmer was teaching his kid to shoot, who got hit by the bullet? Certainly not the target, no IT WAS ME! And-”

Before you could continue, a gloved hand covered your eyes and you heard the thud of Mando’s helmet hit the ground as his lips connected with yours. Din carefully moved his body over top of yours as he moved his hand, knowing and trusting that you won’t open your eyes. You feel his tongue run over your lips and you part your mouth allowing him entry, as all the stress of the day washes away. Din removes his gloves and touches your face with one hand while the kiss turns heated, passionate, and slightly heavy. The two of you are panting between kisses as he drags his hand down your body where he traces the hem of your pants. He moves his mouth down to your neck where he sucks, bites, and licks, while his hand unbuttons your pants. Sliding one hand into the waistband of your underwear, you grab his hand and stop him, still not opening your eyes.

“Wait, Din, stop,” you pant and he freezes immediately, as you feel his head tilt to look at your face. “I don’t mind this going further, but you should know I’m a virgin, so this may not be as great as you want.”

You have no shame in the fact that you’re a virgin, it was simply a matter of not having the time and not being that interested in anyone. As soon as Din hears your words he removes his hand from your pants and sits up, gently caressing your face with his other hand.

“You don’t mind going further with me?” He asks hesitantly. “You’d let me take your virginity?”

“Yes,” you respond in a matter of fact tone, however, you feel him remove himself from your body, causing your eyebrows to crease in confusion. “Where a-”

“It needs to be special, I have to make plans before we do anything,” he says after interrupting you.

“You don’t have to do that,” you say, hearing him put his helmet back on.

“Open,” he commands, letting you know it’s safe to look, “after everything you’ve done for me, this is the least I can do for you, making it a pleasant memory instead of awkward like how it is for most.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive, let me do this, please.”

“Fine,” you respond sitting up, then hissing from the bruise you lay back down, “you go ahead, I’m gonna stay here and try not to breathe until the bruise heals- ohm,” you grunt as the child drops onto your stomach, causing Din to scramble and pick him up.

“She’s hurt, you need to be gentle,” he scolds the baby as they walk away and you begin to fall asleep thinking you should really get to work.

_________________________________________________________

It’s been a week and Din hasn’t made a move on you since, besides, sneaking small tender kisses and touches. Your lovely little ship lands on Nevarro, and unbeknownst to you, Mando arranges for Cara Dune and Greef Karga to watch the child for the night while you’re out buying supplies. You return to the ship as the sun is setting, entering through the door, and immediately shutting it, you turn to see candles all over the Razor Crest, in almost every nook and cranny, soft music playing from the speakers.

“What is this?” You ask as Din drops down, not wearing his armor, but only his helmet and some casual clothes.

“I said I want this to be special, so I made dinner, and I’ve been told candles are romantic, so I bought…a lot.” He says, hesitating as he looks around at what he did.

“It looks wonderful,” you reply setting the bags by the door and walking to Mando, kissing the side of his helmet.

“Sit, relax, allow me to take care of you,” he exclaims, ushering you to the seat, then backing up against the wall, accidentally knocking a candle over when he does.

As he tries to put the candle back, he knocks a few more over and has one heck of a time getting them to stay up. When he finishes and seems satisfied with his work, you notice one laying on a dishtowel.

“Din!” You yell jumping up and pointing to the small towel that’s currently on fire.

He reacts fast and throws it in the sink with water, turning the extractor fans on to remove the smoke.

“That…uh…wasn’t part of my…plan,” he sighs, shoulders drooping in disappointment.

“It’s still perfect,” you say wrapping your arms around him from behind. “However, I saw we blow some of the candles out because I doubt either of us wants to be cleaning wax off the floor for months.”

Chuckling at what you said, he spins around and hugs you back before helping you put out some of the candles. When you return to the table, you smell something burning, but before you can say anything, Din is removing the food from the small oven, along with slightly burnt bread.

“Sorry,” he apologizes with a sigh.

“Why, it’s still perfectly edible…except that small corner.” You say taking a bite to prove your point.

As you and Din sit down for a wonderful dinner, you talk about everything from childhood, family, adopted family, the kid, to what happened since you’ve met and everything you’ve been through.

“Who would’ve thought that this is where we would have ended up, especially after you pulled your gun on me,” you chuckle.

“You pulled your gun on me first, and fired,” he corrects you.

“Because you were chasing me!” You squeal in indignation.

“You stole every credit I had and my blaster!” He argues back.

“Well…you should…have…kept better watch over those things.”

“You shouldn’t have become a thief.”

“I wasn’t a thief, I worked in…acquiring…things, oh shut up,” you laugh throwing your napkin at Din's face.

Chuckling lowly, he moves the dirty dishes to the sink and then takes your hand, pulling you up and into his chest. Pulling out a beautiful embroidered cloth, he holds it up to your face. Spinning around you allow him to blindfold you. You can hear the tink of him gently placing his helmet down before he moves your hair away from your neck and kisses you.

“Do you wish you could see me?” He asks as he gently dots your neck with kisses.

“Of course, but I respect your ways and belief, if there ever comes a point when you can show me your face, I’ll be thrilled, until then, I’m perfectly happy just being able to touch it.” You reply honestly.

Mando hums in response as he turns you to face him. Taking your face in his hands, he kisses you long and deep, caressing your face before running his tongue along your bottom lip begging for entrance. Opening your mouth to him, he plunges his tongue into your mouth and your tongues dance together. As the kiss progresses you find yourself pinned against the wall with Din grinding his hips against yours. Finally, he pulls back panting, while resting his forehead against yours.

“Are you ok with this?” He asks quietly.

“More than you could ever imagine.” You reply earnestly.

Gently, while giving you time to back out, he raises your shirt off your body, kissing your breasts when they’re exposed to the cool air. While he busies himself with nipping the tops of your breasts, his other hand peels your pants off your body, dropping them to the floor, you kick them away.

“Make sure they didn’t hit a candle,” you say, chuckling at him, causing him to bite you harder.

“They didn’t…brat,” his gruff voices answers back.

He carefully unhooks your bra the removes your panties, holding your face in his hands, he kisses you hard again, before pulling away.

“No, I want to undress you,” you demand, pulling him close again.

Sliding your hands to the bottom of his shirt, you push it up his body then off him, letting it fall to the floor. When he leans down to kiss you, you take the time to release his pants, then underwear. He moves them to the side, and you use your hands to rake over his body, feeling a small amount of hair on him, before trailing down to his groin. Running your fingers through the hair at his groin, you reach his cock. Gently gripping it, you realize your fingers can’t even touch, and as you run your hands down him, it feels long. Your mind is currently envisioning a monster cock as long as your forearm, but you know better; however, Din is hung like a freaking elephant.

“I really don’t think that will fit,” you say stroking him, causing a moan to release from his mouth.

“It will, we just have to take it slow,” he replies, bracing his arm next to you.

“I want to taste it,” you say immediately, continuing to stroke him, feeling small beads of liquid leak from the tip.

“This is about you-”

“And I want to know what you taste like, and then you can pleasure me.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.”

Dropping to your knees, you lick Dins cock, feeling his velvety skin slide across your tongue. Taking extra time to taste the liquid that coated the tip of his cock, you then engulfed his cock before pulling back.

“You’ve tasted me, now it’s my turn,” Din groans, hoisting you to your feet.

“Barely,” you pout.

“It’s enough for tonight.”

As you stand before Din, he runs his hands over your body, feeling your contours with his hands, starting at your shoulders. When he reaches your breasts, he begins to feel them, pinching your nipples and causing them to tighten. Moving lower, he barely makes contact with your hip as he slides his fingertips across them. As his hands move behind you, he grips your ass in his hands, squeezing hard, before moving them down your legs, kneeling as he goes. Din places his forehead against your stomach and you can feel his breaths fanning across your skin. Dragging his fingers back up, he makes contact with your core. Swirling his fingers around in the wetness that’s collected there before bringing it to his mouth.

“You taste so good,” he growls.

In one quick motion, Din has you laying on a blanket on the ground, carefully spreading your thighs as he nestles in between your legs, breathing over your core. He licks up your slit, causing you to gasp as he buries his head between your thighs. Pushing his tongue inside of you, he curls it before pulling it out. Moving his mouth to your clit, he sucks on it, moving his tongue around it in circles. As he’s pleasuring your clit, he inserts two fingers into you, causing you to gasp again at the pressure and pleasure. Pumping them in and out of you, you feel incredible, a tight coil growing in your belly. Din then adds a third finger making you gasp as the coil tightens. In just a few moments, you come undone in his mouth, crying out in pleasure as you come, your body shaking uncontrollably at the sensation. Once you come down, Din crawls up your body, kissing every inch until he reaches your mouth.

“Are you ready or do you want a break?” He asks while kissing your face.

“I want you, now,” you reply excitedly.

As gently as he can, Din places the head of his cock at your entrance and begins to push in, going as slow as possible. You hiss in pain from being stretched so wide, but still urge him on. Continuing to move, he finally bottoms out in you, resting his forehead against yours when he reaches the end.

“My gods you feel incredible,” he whispers, “so tight, hot, wet, and perfect. It’s like you were made for me.”

“Move,” you gasp, wrapping your arms around his torso, and digging your nails in, “please move.”

Din pulls back before pushing in again, moving at a slow pace, allowing you time to adjust to the sensation of having his massive throbbing member inside of you. After a few moments, you began thrusting your hips into his, not content to just lie there and let him do all the work.

“I need you to move a little faster Din,” you moan, digging your nails into him again.

His thrusts came a little harder and faster as your eyes began to roll back into your head at the feeling. Your orgasm begins to grow at the feeling of him moving inside you, thrilled with the sensation, you increase the speed of your hips.

“I don’t think I’m going to last as long as I wanted,” Din moans form on top of you.

“It doesn’t matter, keep going,” you reply urging him on by digging your nails into his ass and pushing him forward every time he thrusts.

Both of you are panting from the exertion and pleasure when the coil in your belly tightens to unbelievable proportions.

“Din, I-I’m gonna cum,” you stutter just as your orgasm hits.

Losing control, your eyes roll back in your head, your body shakes, your back arches pressing your breasts into Din's chest, and all sound disappears, all your aware of is Dins cock pumping in between your legs and then him going still as he crashes his hips into yours. You feel a warmth spread through your body from between your legs and deep down inside your hazy mind, you realize its Dins cum flooding your womb. When you finally come down, you collapse back onto the floor panting as you try to catch your breath, feeling as though you suffocated and were revived.

Din slowly pulls out of you and rolls onto his back beside you, pulling you with him as he tucks you into his arms. Throwing your leg over his, your content to just lay there, taking in the moment after experiencing pure bliss.

“We are doing this multiple times a day for as long as we are together,” you say as you snuggle into his chest.

“So long as you stay with me, we can do whatever you want,” he replies, kissing the top of your head. “I love you, and I’m yours for as long as you’ll have me.”

“I love you too.”

Taglist: @readsalot73, @coonflix, @sparrows-corner, @youmeanmybrain, @dornish-queen , @talesfromtheguild