#it won't make sense anyway because it's by yours truly but. that's besides the point

[juney-blues]

June Egbert is, and always has been incredibly fascinating to me because of just, how many factors have conspired to make Homestuck fans show their collective transmisogynistic asses.

The main character of Homestuck transitioning is a planned future plot point for the official continuation of homestuck, that was spoiled in advance by a fan making a joke about finding some toblerones Andrew Hussie the author of homestuck hid in a cave.

The current main writers of Homestuck: Beyond Canon have went on record in an AMA confirming that this was indeed always the plan, even before they took up the project.

In spite of these facts, the general consensus among certain homestuck fans seems to be that "June Egbert" is purely a headcanon for the original comic that was "made canon" by a "Toblerone Wish" (a concept that didn't even exist at the time)

For a variety of reasons, the "canonicity" of the postcanon official continuations of homestuck is a mattter of much debate, (though a debate that most homestuck fans seem to err on a side of "it's not canon at all in the slightest," something the writers have feelings on I'm sure.)

All of these factors combined leave the concept of "June Egbert" in a very nebulous place. It's assumed by most to just be an "ascended headcanon" that was shoehorned in, it's a spoiler so it hasn't happened yet in any official media, and the official media it will eventually happen in is regarded by some to be nothing more than glorified fanfic.

If someone is talking about June Egbert, and you don't like the concept of June Egbert, you have your pick of a million different excuses for why she's fake and gay and not worth discussing and bad writing and just the authors doing a gay dumbledore*, paying lip service to representation while actually doing nothing.

And of course, lots of people *don't* like June Egbert! Rather than being introduced as transfem from the start, she's in this nebulous position of discovery where people have to truly reckon with the idea of a "Pre-transition Trans Woman."

You can try to write off *some* of the backlash as transphobia, because obviously not everyone in this fandom is gonna be cool about trans people.

But there's no shortage of fans just dying to tell you about how much they like reading her as transmasc, or the idea of her being nonbinary or genderqueer or genderfluid, or literally anything besides a trans woman. And since they're fine with all those other interpretations, there's obviously no implicit biases driving their distaste for the concept! (if you want to try explaining the concept of "transmisogyny" to people like this you're braver than I.)

you can trust them when they say it's *just* a problem with whether or not it makes sense with the writing, or it just doesn't feel right somehow, or any of the thousands of excuses that this writing situation gives them to just Not Like It.

It's just, so interesting to me. There's not a lot of characters out there that get a trans arc in this way, that leaves room for open denialism and insistence that we have our trans cake and eat it too... Because Homestuck is a timeline spanning multiverse story, lots of people seem to want it to be an alternate timeline thing. Assuring us we can have this character share space with a non-transitioning version of herself and it won't be weird or imply gross things about trans people.

If you ask me it feels like a plotline that'd be really good for exploring some gender horror though, finding your true self and then being demoted to a footnote, an alternate version, because everyone around you likes your pre-transition self more....

Anyway I have no broader point beyond "hey look at this isn't this kinda weird. You don't get this kinda stuff often!"

*side note: it's a little ghoulish I think to compare "a future trans plot point that hasn't been given the chance to even happen yet, in an already famously queer piece of media, from a nonbinary author" to "some stupid shit done by the literal most famous transphobe of all time" but that's perhaps a discussion for later.

[stargirl-writes]

denial

pairing : force healer jedi! reader x anakin skywalker

word count : 1.5k

masterlist

summary

anakin skywalker confessed his love for you. except, you turned him down, reminding yourself of your duty to the jedi. weeks would have passed and you're reaching a breaking point where you can no longer deny how you felt about him.

tags : angst, mutual pining, fluff towards the end,

warnings : pretty much just denial of how reader feels, and angst with a happy ending (!)

notes : hi lovely people! this is the first thing i'll post under this blog! thank u for taking interest in my little imagine, i hope you like it!

likes, reblogs, and comments are highly appreciated !

It has been a few weeks since Anakin Skywalker told you he loved you. For a moment, the cruelest thing to do seemed like the sweetest thing he could say.

For you both know that the Jedi Council will forbid you to delight in this feeling.

No attachments, live to serve the good, clear lines. No devotions.

You didn't understand how loving someone can be so corrupting, after all, the Jedi Code taught you compassion for all things. That in itself is an act of love. Living so detached from things just makes it all feel... meaningless.

Why hurt for love? Why hurt for not loving?

But now, ever since Anakin told you he wanted you, you are held by a ravenous grip that left you feeling breathless. Suffocated.

Because the truth was simple: You wanted to hoard Anakin in your heart and keep him there. You wanted Anakin.

Of course, you didn't mean it. Anakin Skywalker is the only one who truly knew you. He shredded down your walls to find you where you're most vulnerable and loved you anyway. He wasn't scared of the things about you he didn't understand. Things you, too, find difficult to accept.

But caught by the abruptness, you could only tell him "We can't" before storming out of the room that one night.

You were perplexed, because for the longest time you have resigned yourself to the idea that you were the only one feeling it.

And now he says he loves you. All along.

He loved you.

He loved you despite, despite, despite...

And you turned him down.

Because you can't....

You were bound by duty first. And your duty is to serve the Republic. You can't have Anakin, not if he is supposed to be the chosen one.

You still cried in your sleep; angry and tremendously sorry you turned the closest thing to love away.

You can't take the Republic's only chance of surviving this war. He was meant for something larger than you are. Larger than both of you. You understood this, but it didn't really make it hurt any less.

It fell into this odd... silence between both of you.

You'd catch yourself looking for him in every room you find yourself in. A force of habit. His force signature used to be a warm beacon of light to anchor you, now every time you sense Anakin, your heart aches.

Haunted by the images in your mind of what could be if you allowed him to love you. Terrified that you've allowed yourself to want to share a lifetime with him.

You can't. You wouldn't.

You shuffle in your bed, unable to find a spot so you can comfortably rest. You were becoming more frustrated, for your mind just won't turn itself off.

You grabbed your robe and pulled your hair away from your face, tying it back.

With a sigh, you sit up. It would be futile to attempt any sleep, dawn was already breaking from the windows of the Jedi Temple.

Force healing is something that not every Jedi practices, for it requires a deeper state of discipline and precision. Besides, there are medical droids that can take care of the wounded.

The council had briefed you on your mission for today, you're stationed at the med-bay to overlook the casualties after the recent attack on Kamino.

You valued healing; no matter how forgotten it may have been for the Jedi Order. So, this mission is equally important to you as fighting in the front lines.

The halls of the temple were still quiet, deep in sleep. You wander around, not really knowing where to head.

You hear a shuffle from behind, and instinctively, you turn.

You halt at a balcony— entranced by the rising sun. You breathed deep, wondering when all became so complicated.

A pair of blue eyes meet your doe-eyed gaze. You surveyed him, he looked like he just came from battle, his robes were covered in dust, and his eyes were glossy as if he had been awake for some time, too.

"Anakin" you breathed out, realizing it had been the first time you addressed him after the night he confessed.

"[Name]" He answers, sounding tired.

Your heart thumps, unsure, and half-terrified that if he calls your name again, you might fall to pieces.

"How did the mission on Kamino go?" You say, trying to find any topic other than—

Anakin steps forward, leaning against the balcony. You hold your breath. Being so close to him felt like all air vanishes.

"It went alright" Anakin answers, his gaze falling into the horizon.

Your eyes trail on his arm, noticing the dried blood, a gash maybe, you step forward, wanting to get a closer look, your healing instincts telling you something was off.

"You're hurt" You say, your hand carefully moving his robe.

Anakin sharply turns at your touch. Then his eyes bore into yours. You lifted your fingers, realizing you may have startled him.

Anakin always had you. Part of the reason you were persistent in learning healing. Because the anxiety of him hurting never settled, and you wanted to be equipped to take care of him.

"Let me do this, it won't take long" You insisted, because you knew Anakin too well, and he'd not get it checked until someone else forces him to sit down at the med-bay.

The wound started closing and after a moment, it was like it wasn't there in the first place.

Anakin nods, his eyes never leave yours.

You felt it, a ripple through the force. A very specific frequency. A jedi might mistake his hurt as that of a physical one. But you have memorized him too much to read through his pretenses.

The wounds hurt, yes. But he is carrying a lot more pain than he lets on.

So, you continued. Your fingers graze over his skin, channelling the force, willing it to heal the gash.

You withdrew your touch. The silence lingered. It's a silence that makes you feel mad, because it feels like this is how it'll always be for you and Anakin now. Delicately dancing around the elephant in the room.

The silence amplified the voice screaming in your heart.

You may as well just say it out loud because your force signature is latched with it. It involuntarily pours your heart out.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

"Anakin" you began, your lips opening and closing unable to find words to express how you felt.

He turns his head, standing straight, he had an expression you recognized. Some sort of braceness, like he was already anticipating for you to break his heart again.

"I'm sorry" was all you could say.

Even if you would've ran away with him if he asked you to.

Clear lines. No attachments. You'd cross them all if he asked you to.

This was the right thing to do, you think...

"Don't" Anakin shakes his head "Don't... I know you don't mean it" His eyes fall to his feet.

"No, I do" You answer swiftly— no longer able to deny how much it had hurted you too.

You felt tears threatening to cascade down your face. You've heard it said that love turns people soft, but you have never felt more broken now that you have loved something you can't have.

"Anakin, when I said we can't, it's because I can't take you for myself. You're meant for larger things. Only with the Jedi can you fulfill your destiny" You rambled, verbalizing the thoughts you convinced yourself to believe in at night.

Anakin's eyebrows furrowed, but you continued "It doesn't mean I didn't, that I don't—" You halted, your heart and mind tearing you apart.

"[Name]" he calls, "You are no small thing in my life" He tucks a loose strand of hair to your ear.

"I meant it when I told you I love you." His palm presses on your cheeks.

You thought you could crumble beneath his touch.

These weeks, the small amount of time you spent trying to convince yourself that his feelings will eventually pass, never faltered the way how you felt. His absence felt like half of you was missing. And now, he was here, insisting softly.

You can't hold it in anymore.

So, in the absence of words, you pressed your lips against his— slowly, gently, slipping into the intimacy you only ever shared with him.

I love you.

You say between the kisses, hoping it'd suffice for you can't quite bring yourself to say it just yet.

Nothing in the world belonged to you, just this love you were overpouring with. And this kiss— it felt like the beginning of something eternal.

Whatever that may be.

© to @cafekitsune the dividers!

[rivkadreamer]

Lonely Wanderer.

a/n: This took a little while, I kept going back and forth, I'm still trying to get a good hand at writing his personality. Anyways, enjoy your food.

Genre: Fluff, angst, Hurt/comfort(ish)

Warnings: Implied character death, not proof read

Summary: In which Wanderer muses how good it must be, this feeling called love.

Imagine Wanderer who's been longing for love for as long as he can remember.

Wanderer who different from what many people think, knows what is love and how to identify it.

He observed it as Kabukimono, in the way the father's of the blacksmith village carried their sons around their back, the way the mother's chastised their kids whenever they'd something dangerous, or in the way the uncle's would smuggle some sweets to their nieces behind the parents back, smiling sheepishly while petting their heads.

He envied it as Scaramouche. Envied the way groups of people would burst in laughter when they united after a tiring day of work, drinking away their hearts content. Envied the way people throw themselves in front of danger because of their companions, and in the way they would proudly boast about friendship, telling silly stories to each other about their mishaps as kids, laughing under their breaths while they teased each other.

And he craved it as Wanderer, in the way lovers would hold hands and walk together back home, in the way they'd whisper secrets into the night, promises with ardent devotion and smile knowingly at each other. Craved the way they'd kiss under the moonlight, hiding from everything else, and the world would be none the wiser.

He craved these connections in a way he would never admit, not even for himself. He wanted to experience it, if only for a moment. To have a taste of how it feels, even if this thought was a dangerous one for a being such as him.

And as he states his vain philosophy about how the sentiment is a hoax, as fake as the stars above, you are quick to raise an eyebrow, looking him dead in the eyes.

"And you really believe what you're saying? You don't really think that, do you?"

Wanderer does not know what caught him off guard first. Your voice or the fact that you seemingly could see right through him. It was the first time of many to come, where you stupefied him into utter silence. After a few minutes, Wanderer came back to reality to see you already staring at him, a knowing smirk on your face, as the face he was giving you made it clear that you caught him head handed on his petty little lies.

Damned be you.

Wanderer could feel himself physically recoil and turn around like a coward, spewing an insult he can't remember over his breath, then leave, running away from you.

Which brings him to the present moment, where he is once again running away from your stare as he is sitting his head on your lap. Only, this time he can't physically get out (that's what he tells you anyway, but you both know he could simply pull you away if Wanderer truly wished so).

"Hah, look into my eyes, you scaredy cat."

He couldn't, Wanderer had the impression he would go blind looking at you. So, so angel like you are, the rays of light shining upon you making you look completely ethereal on his eyes. Wanderer couldn't gaze upon you when you were this pretty. Not without losing some control of himself, anyways.

"The audacity to even utter those words. Do I have to remember you that you were the one who dragged me all the way over here?"

The small snort just bellow your breath, the way you covered your mouth to impede him to see the sure rapidly forming smile, everything you did was so lovely on his eyes.

"You and I know that if this was the case, I would've gone flying far away from you in some ditch quite a while ago."

"I just can't be bothered with you humans and your silly rituals. What is the point to come here and 'pass some time together' at all, if you won't even say anything?"

"You're not making any sense. Besides, it was you the one who said it was pathetic to make small talk just to fill up the silence."

The purple haired boy only clicked his tongue in faux distaste at that, his head moving to face you as soon as your hand cupped his cheek.

He didn't want to admit that he likes hearing you talk.

Wanderer knew exactly what the form of love was, having been chasing after it for so long, so desperately in all hundred of years he've been living on this cage masked as land. That's why he couldn't help but think, that as your soft lips touches his, you can only be love incarnate. That you're love itself.

He knows it, he feels it.

Felt in the way you called for his name, the name you gave to him. Felt in the way you'd kiss him so delicately, as if he would break, as if he was fragile. In the way you'd hold him under the warm beams of the sun, close to your chest, and let him hear your heartbeat. Or in the way you would brush off his hair out of his forehead, tracing imaginary letters and circles on his skin when you thought he was asleep. Felt the way you yearned for him, and he couldn't say it didn't felt like he was waiting for you his whole life.

But he was, even if he didn't know it before.

Because Wanderer craves love,

And you are love.

Therefore Wanderer craves you,

Wanderer loves you.

So he prays, for the first time. To any entity, to any god above. He prays and begs that you'd stay by his side just a little longer, just a little further. That your time with him wouldn't be over yet. He doesn't want this ephemeral moments with you to ever end. When he's with you, it feels like time is akin a butterfly with fluttering wings, something that can slip away from his grasp at any given time. It's wings so fragile, they can torn and break like glass cracking as soon as it hits the ground, quickly followed by it's own pieces scattering all over the place.

"Please." He pleads to no one in particular, holding your body close to his, grounding himself in the warmth that still emanates from your lying form, the fragile look on his clear amethyst eyes almost seems to be shivering, his voice betraying his emotions.

"Just a while longer. Just a bit more." He whispers reverently, feverishly trying to avoid the inevitable. If before he couldn't look at you up close because of how bright you were, now he can't rip his eyes away, trying to protect the trembling light between his fingertips.

"Don't go, never leave. Stay here, love."

[@rivkadreamer on Tumblr, please do not steal my works.]

[hisdarlingabsurdity]

Our Love is a Work in Progress

Pairing: Aonung x Fem! Metkayina! Reader

Tags: Slightly Jealous Aonung, Childhood sweethearts, Tsireya being playful, Socially awkward reader

Word count: 3,194

Summary: Idiots in love. That's what you and Ao'nung are. If it weren't for your friend's devious machinations in the background, both of you would probably grow old still tip-toeing around each other.

For the umpteenth time this morning, you let out a dreamy sigh. From the corner of your eyes, you see Tsireya shake her head. "Just go and talk to them. Then you'll know that they are not so bad," she says, gesturing towards the Sullys who were currently practicing their breathing with Rotxo. Tsireya was right there teaching them with him earlier, but when she saw you peeking at them from up a boulder at a distance, she apparently decided that her quest for today was to finally convince you to approach them.

She climbed up to meet you with a knowing smile before pointing at each of them. "That one beside Rotxo is Kiri, she's a very fast learner," she says, "the small one is Tuk, she's very sweet. The boy over there is Lo'ak, and beside him is his older brother named Neteyam."

You listened to her with a pout, knowing that you won't need the information anyway.

You found them interesting, not so much in the beginning, no. You were wary of them, they were so different, and It didn't help that everyone collectively grimaced in disgust when it was revealed that they had demon blood, even though you didn't understand why. But they all look so warm and welcoming, especially now. (It might just be the certain, soft warm glow from the sun that makes it look like so, but still.)

"You know I can't, Tsireya. Mother would kill me if I so much as stand within arms reach." Your friend only giggled.

"You're a very persuasive girl, my friend. I'm sure your mother will change her mind about them. Now, how will you convince your mother of their kindness when you haven't experienced it yourself?"

You narrow your eyes at her, fighting back a goofy smile. "You're pretty persuasive yourself."

"You only think so because you actually want to approach them. You just need a few extra nudges."

You shake your head. "I told you, I can't." You nearly whine.

"...not a few nudges then, perhaps a full-on shove?

"A what now?" You begin to ask, but you could only yelp as she shoves you off the boulder. You cried out, only for it to get cut off as you land in the water. You scoff at her playfulness, causing bubbles to block your view.

You resurface, sputtering, still reeling from your shock (and amusement) and you hear her quite disrespectfully giggle at you from up the boulder. You crane your neck to send her a playful glare.

"Are you okay?"

You whip your head towards the unfamiliar voice, squinting. You raise your hand up to shield yourself from the harsh glare of the setting sun, your eyes adjusting, slowly making sense of the person's feature.

Truly, it felt like you were gazing upon something sacred, like Eywa herself sent you a guiding spirit with eyes that are pure melted gold, poured from a sun on the brink of an eclipse. It was mesmerizing.

Neteyam looked down at you from his Ilu, hands slowly reaching towards you, unsure if you'd let a stranger near but he keeps it there anyways in case you truly were in need of assistance.

"What?" You ask, feeling a little dumb as you stare at the rather magnificent picture.

He tilts his head in confusion. "Tsireya called out, she said you slipped and hit your head—"

You struggle to hear whatever he was trying to say at the end, his voice being cut off by the sound of Rotxo laughing, and the others floundering about in the water as they arrive. "She's fine," he says. "I saw the whole thing." He looks up to send a knowing look at Tsireya who only giggles as she moves to go back down from the boulder.

You blink rapidly, trying to gather your scattered thoughts. What are you supposed say?

You stare blankly at Neteyam, some of your hair were in your mouth and you remember the not-so-graceful way you whipped your head towards him earlier, squinting at him. You must've painfully looked like an idiot, because you see Rotxo cringe and you realize distantly that you were still staring.

"What's up with her?" You hear Lo'ak ask.

Neteyam stares back at you, his hands still hovering and you see him hesitate. Rotxo turns away, as if watching you was too painful, still, you do not miss the subtle shaking of his shoulders, it was what snapped you out of your daze and you reel back, laughing awkwardly. Neteyam raises both his eyebrows, his eyes flickered from yours and to his siblings in confusion. You curse at yourself instantly, wishing for an Akula to just eat you up.

"You must be..." The girl named Kiri trailed off, her voice startling the uncomfortable silence your awkwardness settled in the atmosphere. Rotxo provides her your name and Kiri nods. "Tsireya speaks of you. She says you're the best singer in the village."

"Ah, hehe." You chuckled awkwardly, rubbing the back of your nape sheepishly. "I wouldn't say that I'm the best—"

You yelp as Ao'nung rose from the water, his eyes staring straight at yours. He came seemingly from out of nowhere.

"Ao'nung? Weren't you…Where'd you even come from?" You ask, positively flabbergasted at his sudden appearance. He was supposed to be out with his father. You cross your arms. "I bet you’re slacking off again, Aren’t you supposed to be with the chief?”

"I was." His answer came in a short burst. As if he couldn't be bothered to answer you properly. Then he scans you like a mother checking her child for injuries, before letting his gaze wander back to your eyes then at the others who came to help you and you realize the gravity of your situation.

You feel yourself frown before you could control your expressions. "I'm really sorry for disturbing your lessons." You say, mostly facing Rotxo, who in turn, shakes his head, smiling at you. He's always been so patient and nice, just a little prick sometimes, mostly when Aonung's around. Together, they were little teasing menaces.

You hear Tsireya before you see her, grinning at you as she floats in the water by your side. "Well, I'm just glad you're okay, my friend." She sighs in relief (as if she wasn't the one who pushed you off).

You lean closer to her and whisper, "you're lucky you're the chief's daughter."

She giggles as she rests her hand on your shoulder before approaching the others. "We could always use another's help. Perhaps my friend can also help with teaching?"

"Oh, well. If it's alright with her to…" Neteyam answers. You inwardly cringed. They must've thought that your hesitation to receive help from them stems from the skepticism and disgust that the rest of the village doesn't bother hiding towards them.

"I want to…help, I mean. I did cause quite a ruckus. Let me make up for it," you say, smiling. You felt relieved that you didn't stutter once. You've already made a fool of yourself enough to give you nightmares for 3 weeks.

"How did you manage slip from there anyway, that's always been your spot." Ao'nung tilts his head back to look down at you through the bridge of his nose. You couldn't stop your face from scrunching up at his words, it heralds an incoming torrent of nagging. You knew that he would start if you so much as wince in pain. You appreciate his concern, but you hate how he makes you sound so weak and fragile, and in front of these people you’re trying to befriend!

"It was my fault, really. We were messing around," Tsireya says, raising her hands. You thank Eywa that she hasn't completely abandoned you to your own clumsy social skills.

"Yeah, and what's up with you? Why are you suddenly here?" You ask, turning to face Ao'nung, genuinely curious, but also flinging towards him a vindictive glance

"I heard you scream and I thought you needed help…" he starts, then he glances at Neteyam. "although someone's already beaten me to it." With that. Ao'nung nods at you before diving back in and swimming away.

You feel a headache slowly seeping into your head. Ao’nung left as fast as his sudden arrival, and it irks you just as much as it confuses you; his cryptic behavior, worried glances but searing choice of words, his awful timing…

"Wow, so he can actually talk without outright insulting anyone," Kiri says.

Tsireya giggles as she gives you a look you don't bother to decipher.

"Are you really okay? You look a little dazed." You turn towards the voice by your side. You almost squeal in delight as the youngest of the Sullys look up at you with her wide eyes.

"Oh she's fine. She's just extremely shy." Rotxo says, waving his hand around in a dismissive manner.

"Okay, okay. How about we stop wasting time on me and resume the lesson, yeah?" You say, having had enough of this, whatever this whole predicament was. You couldn't say it was all bad though, since you finally succeeded in introducing yourself to the Sully kids. There may have been better ways to do it, preferably without making such a racket, but it is what it is.

⏳⏳⏳

Throughout your childhood, Aonung was always there. He was your first, and most eager listener. He always went along with you whenever you would go out and practice your singing, claiming to be your protector, your guardian. He always has his eyes on you, always listening to every single word you say. You especially notice this whenever you were hanging out with the other kids. No one really asks for your opinion, and nobody expects you to contribute to the conversation, so much so that you feel like you only open your mouth when you sing during shared gatherings. But Ao'nung was different. He always asks you what you think, always prodding you to speak your mind, always glaring sharply at anyone who tries to talk over you.

And he is always hovering around you. It was at first, stifling, until you decided that perhaps he simply enjoyed your companionship. Even now that he avoids you, refusing to be around you for long, like your mere presence burns him, he still doesn't completely abandon you. And it makes you furious, more confused than mad, of course. First he barges into your life, spending almost every waking moment with you only to suddenly shove you away, still keeping you within eyesight but refusing to even approach you. You don't think that he suddenly doesn't want you as a friend anymore, it is evident in the way he looks out for you, even indirectly.

You spend the next few days hanging out with the Sullys, much to your parent's chagrin. They do nothing to stop you though, you figured they've either given up on you, or trust that you know what's good for you.

Neteyam was, in almost every way, especially nice to you. You don't think that it was because you completely dazzled him with your amazing existence, making him fall madly in love with you, no. His way of showing care was almost aggressive, like he was trying to prove a point or something. And you're only able to notice because you've sharpened your observation skills instead of your speaking skill. You weren't completely stupid…you noticed that Neteyam becomes incredibly touchy and sweet whenever Ao'nung was around. You quite enjoyed the situation, you can't lie.

Also, you've never hung out with so many friendly people before. You miss Ao'nung though. And of course, because of that, confrontation was inevitable.

"You wanna know why I've been avoiding you?"

He asks but he doesn't wait for you to answer before he continues.

"It's because you keep hanging around those freaks. You wanna be an outcast by associating yourself with them, then go ahead."

He doesn't mean it, he really doesn't.

You shake your head. "I was already an outcast, Ao'nung. And frankly, I'd rather be one than associate myself with your friends—" You raise your hand up to silence him, you were not done yet. "—and I know for a fact that you no longer see them as freaks. I might even say that you've started to treat them with respect. You can see them now, Aonung. I know it. So why are you suddenly back to saying such rude words about them?"

He exhales a deep, exasperated breath, his head pounding with all the words he wants to say but couldn't.

You wait for him to gather his thoughts.

"He…" Aonung started. "Yes, what you said is true. I've…they've grown on me, those Sully brats…"

His gaze flickers back to you.

"But he— that Neteyam. He's obviously aiming for you."

You frown in confusion. "He's what? Aiming for me? With what? I don't think—"

He rolls his eyes. "What I meant was he's seriously considering you as a mate."

With his answer, you felt even more confused.

"I think that is highly unlikely. It's too early for him to choose a mate and even more unlikely for him to choose me. What am I supposed to do when there's a war, huh? Sing the enemies to death?"

"There's more to choosing mates than just their assets, their worth, during a war."

"But he's a chief, he can't just marry anyone."

He sighs. "A chief's mate doesn't always have to be a tsahik…you do know that right?"

"No no no. Still, it's impossible. He hardly even knows me and—" your gaze sharpens towards him. "Even if, for some reason, he wants me as his mate, what's it to you? And why would you avoid me because of that?"

He scoffs. "I was not avoiding you. I was simply giving you space."

You give him the stinkiest grimace you could manage. "Explain…"

He clicks his tongue in annoyance, rubbing the back of his neck. He gestures with his hands as he tries to do as you asked. "I was furious—"

"What did I do?"

"—not at you." He sighs again. "At myself."

You stare blankly at him.

"You mentioned earlier that it was too early for Neteyam to choose a mate, but courting takes time, just like how I've been courting you since we were kids. I'm not done explaining yet," he says when he sees your confused frown. "I was angry when I saw how happy you were with your new friends. (Again, angry at myself) You should know that you're actually pretty popular among the boys in the village. The reason they do not even attempt to approach you is because they know I like you. I did not mean to…It was not my intention to make you lonely. I did not know that it would make the girls dislike you and I'm sorry for that. Now, the reason I avoided you was because the Sullys offered friendship, something that you weren't able to have in your own home, because of me. I distanced myself because I realized that I took you for granted. I used my position as a guarantee that no one else would try to court you. I was selfish and it made you…it turned you into an outcast…"

You hardly knew how to react, and you, in an attempt to try and make sense of things, stammer over your words, a torrent of sentences that makes absolutely no sense pouring out of your lips. Finally, you pinch the bridge of your nose and you take a deep breath.

"You give yourself too much credit, Ao’nung."

He raises his head to look at you.

"My social life was already done for, even before your supposed destruction of my potential relationships."

"No, it is my fault. You are not some property or a thing to be claimed. It's my fault that the boys…I feel like I ruined your chances to choose whoever you may want."

"Ao’nung…Even if that is so, they are not worth my time if they are too scared of you to even try to talk to me. It means they do not like me enough. My point is—listen—my point is that you should not blame yourself for something that you cannot control. Seriously, d'you think everything that's happened in my life is caused somehow by your decisions? You idiot."

He bites his lip, eyes narrowing in deep thought.

"Okay, it sounded a little less conceited in my head. But that's how I feel."

"I understand…what I don't understand is the whole 'I have been courting you since we were kids' thing."

"What's so hard to understand about that? I like you. I love listening to you sing. I love spending time with you. You're kind. You never talk bad about anyone, you actually cared about me and wanted to be my friend not just because I’m the chief’s son…You gave me flowers, you wrote songs about me, (I am partial to the ones about us on an adventure, by the way) you make me feel warm and appreciated. I adore you…I pine for you.”

"...Oh, wow. Sorry, this is a lot to take in. And I didn't even notice that you were courting me."

"I still am. You have no idea how much you mean to me," he says, looking at you through his ridiculously long eyelashes, his ears flat against the side of his head.

You feel your chest tighten at his words. Why he hadn't told you this before, you do not know.

"You can't just. Why, I never even…" You trail off as he holds a hand up.

"Now, I'm wondering if I was being too subtle, or if you're just too dull."

"Hey, that's not nice."

"Kind of hard to be nice when the person you adore is fawning over a foreigner."

"I was not." you huffed.

"I know. I'm sorry for saying that. It's just, I never seem to know what to say. I know what I want to say but I can't put it into words that would perfectly describe it."

"It doesn't need to be. Also, are you kidding me? That confession was perfect!”

Ao’nung groaned, running his hand down his face. “Okay, stop.”

“It was heartfelt, and poetic.” You see his tail wagging sideways from behind him.

“And,” you continue, your voice carrying venom. “It’s the most you’ve said to me for days!” You punch his arm and he glares at you, mumbling something about ruining the mood.

"Y'know what? I'm gonna write a song about you, about how stupid you are." You say, still seething.

"As long as it's about me…" He shrugs, stepping closer towards you, grinning like a fool.

"You asshole." You say, but without any real anger.

He hums. "Well, I'm your asshole…"

You both frown as you take in his words.

"Okay, that did not—"

"Uncalled for." You shake your head.

"That was not what I…wow, it did not sound romantic at all, I don't know why I…"

"I feel violated…"

End.

***

Note

Can't believe I have to say this but pls remember that x readers aren't going to be a 100% accurate presentation of you. I don't wanna be gettin no "but I can't sing" comments. I stopped writing fanfic because of comments like that (which is dumb). So don't do that please, Thank you!

Also read on Ao3!

English ain't my first language so pls be kind.

[sweetlikehoneystingslikeabee]

Hello! May I request Ozzie with a reader who loves to dress in old-fashioned, cottagecore-y (yet elegant) dresses, please? She has a personality to match that style, too (Sweet, soft-spoken and more than a bit shy). I'm not sure for which Penguins do you write for, but I'd love to see 2022 and Arkham! If you feel like adding more, please do! Thank you! 🩷

"Cottage-core Fluff" Penguin Party

Might as well make this a penguin party 🐧🥳

I will warn you, though, that the shy/soft spoken personality aspect is similar to another ask I've done (albeit for lolita fashion). So I'll be leaning more into the fashion aspect!

TW: None

Gotham

There's something about it... It's so sickly sweet in comparison to himself. Part of him feels like he should be repulsed. And yet... There's something familiar about it. It's not how his mother dressed, no that was a different fashion. But the whimsy and lightness of it makes him feel at home. Reminds him of a better time in his life.

There's a certain hesitance he feels around you because of these mixed feelings. He's beyond his past. He's the King of Gotham now, haven't you noticed? Black and dark accent colors. That kind of cuteness gets devoured in his world. Wouldn't you be better growing in the sunshine somewhere?

And yet you bring him warmth. You remind him that a sun still shines. There's something about the darkness, murder and mayhem he'll experience in just one night... to come home to you in the daylight. Just to hear the quiet echo of your voice greeting him and telling him you missed him.

BTAS

Enamored with it. It reminds him of the old Snow White disney film- or something along those lines, anyways. Kind and caring. A soft beauty that could practically call the woodland creatures into your arms. It's why he doesn't trust you at first. Not fully, anyways. Far too many in Gotham who like to hide behind a pretty facade only to show their true colors when the joke stops being funny.

He doesn't push you away. No, rather he "tests" you. Gives you ample opportunity to take advantage. Take his money, embarrass him- He's been down this road before. And yet you act just as the fashion you dress. Sweet and good-natured. You "pass" everything he throws at you with flying colors. Truly, it's as though you could actually tame a beast if you tried.

He walks arm in arm with you down the street, his umbrella acting as a parasol for you. Someone like you, being as you are, being with him- he could take a very different sort of path knowing he has you by him. He could be good for you.

Burton

Talk about opposites! Y'know what kinda flowers grow in the sewers? Not any. Not before Ivy got pissed at him that one time and- well, you get the point. Outside was already a lot to adjust to and that was Gotham which is... you've seen Gotham. There's nice parts and there's parts that make you want to shower from the amount of nasty all around. Cottage-core reflects sort of... nothing he's ever seen before.

He'd be rather fascinated by it. It's not the frills and delicate porcelain he was kept so far from. It's not even the darkness and stink and metal he had to shroud himself in for protection amongst his feathery compatriots. It's new and he can actually touch it. Run his hands along the fabrics and almost smell the flowers in his mind. Imagine being outside in the sun with you... It's almost too bright. But he'd be willing to walk if you want him beside you.

It won't make sense to anyone around you two. He'll never play you love songs on a piano. He'll never be able to tell you the difference between a daisy and a carnation. He won't remember to put the toilet seat down or that you might not want to watch him eat this fish with his bare hands and teeth... But you know something? He loves you. He'll try to know those things that are important to you because he wants you to know he cares.

Arkham games

Does that come in a winter style? Or some rather... thicker material at least? A lot of it seems very light and airy and that just won't work in his club, luv. He likes you not frozen to death! Plus what about the winter? Do you know how cold it gets in Gotham in winter? Let him adorn you in finery! He'll make sure it has touches you like. He's not an entirely selfish man, after all.

The concept of it is very foreign to him. It's outdoorsy and soft. Something almost magical against the grime and muck he's encountered his whole life. He's never known a countryside that hasn't bored him to tears. It's easy to confuse your look for someone that isn't resilient. And yet they, whomever they are, would be wrong about that.

How else would you have made it to Gotham? To him- if you were completely at the mercy to it's shadows? A cottage can have thorns. A delicate and sweet hand can pull the teeth of her attacker. Just allow him to give you pliers, ducky, and that extra yank if you're feeling too merciful.

Batman 2022

Doesn't realize it's a thing until you tell him, tbh. He just thought you liked looking like you stepped out of a historical drama! Baking your own bread or whatever! It's something specific to you, it has a name. That makes it something he's got to know about. You ask him about stuff that he likes and he's interested in! He's not the big bad guy people might make him out to be- He wants to give you the same treatment.

He will tease you about it, though. Are you gonna sing the opening number to Beauty and The Beast? You look at him. ...What? Like he's not supposed to see the local theater? pronounced thee-a-tur. That's what you look like! With all the bonjour and readin' your book! Does that make him the big bad beast that's gonna hide you away in his castle? He doesn't take it as an insult.

Huge bonus if you actually cook or do the home-y stuff sometimes related to cottage-core aesthetics. He grew up in little Italy with a family that home cooked everything. Actually, even if you don't but you wanna learn, he could teach you a thing or two. You in one of them cutesy dresses, cookin' with him... He could get really into that.

BTAA

I think at first he would scoff at a lot of it. Not because he doesn't care about your interests or think it's pretty. It's more the concepts of cottage-core. You want to look pretty, of course. He likes that you want to look pretty! But all that nonsense about doing everything yourself and your hands possibly getting callouses! Oh no, no. Let's stick to just the fashion, hm?

Now fashion, he understands. No one could ever accuse the man of looking cheap. And, no, that's not solely on account of him needing tailoring for his... stature. It's because he has taste, darling! The monocle and ensemble should prove that. Speaking of, he'll have to get some matching motifs for you. Still in your style, of course, but you'll look like a pair. You'll look stunning in purple, he's certain.

It's the soft-spoken nature and shyness that he's going to have to work on. You're with Oswald Cobblepot now. We take what we want by the fistfuls here. That includes you, his little sparrow! Tell him your most selfish, wicked hearts desire and he'll do his best to make it happen! Even if it includes brutal murder! Actually, it might be fun if it includes that. Or at least some light extortion and maiming. For his sake.

[arttrampbelle]

Don't buy or go by anything nrs be selling in mk12/mk1

It completely ruins all the characters,lore,and build up over the 30+yrs it's been around.

Go by your own stories and be done with it.

Rejecting "canon" and not buying their games is the best thing to do now as a fan.

Besides we got more important things to do than that rn. (Even as a mk fan i hate what they are doing to shang tsung. They are legitimately ruining him by trying to make him like every other fucking character BUT his own)

So yeah your hcs now? Cool,not my cup of tea nessicarly,but I'd sooner take them than whatever nrs is doing atm. For the most part i like what people be cooking.

Because guess what? Fans know they character sadly better than the current writers. Why? Because they give a fuck.

Not all of them truly encapsulates the character. But by god they get his gusto,his energy,and his hutspa so to speak. They understand the fundamentals and core basis of the character. They understand nuance and not making him to be a copy paste of every other villain and antag in the Franchise.

AND THEY DON'T BLAME HIM FOR THE CURSES AND PROBLEMS HE'S IN. mortal kombat is a brutal world. But nrs sure dont fucking act like it. Shang tsung is a fucking survivor. Period. Dark magic is actually honestly in that world,at least it makes sense to be. The fucking most destructive,easy,force. And what better way to dispose of a foe? You guessed it,soul magic and spells to absolutely obliterate your opponents.

Im not saying he didn't have consequences. Oh of course. But nrs writes it now so fucking cheesy and takes the easy route.

Yes he has set backs. But it's not because of his own doing. No. It is technically the gods fault. Thats how it's been. It's actually pointing out that he was put into this position. And they were mad he took a different path. It's legitimately going against what you are told you should do. And doing what you personally feel is right for you not what society or peers tell you is "acceptable"

God ffs people. Shang tsung is so fucking luciferian coded it's not even funny. But y'all at nrs misinterpreted that (and some fans too).

Like i could go on about the complexities of shang tsung and how i feel fucking nrs/boon/and the like do not fucking deserve such an amazing and deep antagonist like shang tsung. But I'd be here all day.

I'll leave it at.

Mk12/mk1 shang tsung sucks outside of his voice and aesthetics. Nothing else of the character is truly worth it. Some ideas for him are best left to be in the draft paper. And never touched until someone with a brain,media literacy and respect can't write him. Whomever that may be.

He can be driven to madness by soul magic. But that's not what kickstarts it. No the gods put him in a corner and the only way out was to rip n tear. Literally. Like he made his hell his home. He was emperor of his dominion. He is lord of souls(basically). Like he said "fine you want bad!? I'll show you bad!!!" And bad he became. But deep down,he doesn't want this. He wants peace. He wants to live,he can't. Because the gods won't let him because he plays the game better than them. Like i have so many fucking ideas for him and i feel that everytime i see someone,fans or offical sources say something that just feels like it could have been for another character and fits another character better. It pisses me off.

Like shang is amazing,but either actually write some for him,and his character,that actually fits or make an oc or write it on another character.

Ugh.

Anyways enough rambling.

Some fans and especially netherealm studios don't fucking deserve this character

I just have so many ideas. And so much to say about this characters persona and the intricacies on shang's mind and good fucking god i wish i could safely infodump with someone. Especially on HOW HE BECAME WHO HE IS AND HONESTLY I HAVE SUCH A CAREFULLY CRAFTED BACKSTORY FOR SHANG TSUNG. And how his well magic works and WHY he's such a master at it. I wish i could infodump with someone fr.

I have so much love for this character. I wanna write for mortal kombat so bad. But at very least for shang tsung.

Good lord.

[silverynight]

How to ask a cheerleader out

<---Previous

Chapter 5

"I think it's the right thing to do," Izuku whispers to Uraraka, leaning closer so no one, besides Iida, hears the conversation they're having in the hallway.

"You're saying it as if you have to do it!" His friend rolls her eyes, looking upset already. Iida nods over her shoulder.

"Uraraka is right, Midoriya."

"Ha! See?" The girl smiles triumphantly, pulling Izuku closer to her. "Now let's go!"

"I kinda want to talk to him. I still feel bad."

"Well, you shouldn't. Feeling bad for rejecting someone you don't like is ridiculous. I mean, what were you gonna do? Date him so he doesn't get sad?"

"I just want to check on him," Izuku mumbles, looking at his scarred hands. No matter what his friends say, he still feels bad for him.

"Don't, he's a jerk. He probably doesn't feel anything anyway. Besides, I watched the whole thing, you were very kind."

Izuku shakes his head, noticing how Uraraka rolls her eyes and Iida sighs at the same time.

"It'll be just a minute."

"Fine! We'll be waiting for you!"

Izuku takes a deep breath and walks towards Monoma as he waves dismissively at his friends. Katsuki has been so kind to him lately and after his apology he has inspired Izuku to do things right, to do better. Because turning down Monoma has been haunting him this whole time, especially because the blond stormed off after Izuku tried to explain to him that he didn't see him that way.

"Hi, Monoma!" He smiles. "How are you doing?"

"My day was perfect until you showed your stupid face up," the blond grins, although the joy doesn't reach his eyes.

"Oh... it won't be long, I promise!"

"Wait. Did you come here to beg?" He smirks. "Because I'm willing to–"

"No, I'm sorry... I just wanted to apologize," Izuku cuts him off because he wants to make sure he doesn't get the wrong idea. "I didn't want to hurt your feelings. But we can still be friends if you wa–"

"Shut up!" Monoma huffs. "I don't care! I asked you out because I had nothing better to do! You didn't hurt me because I don't give a fuck about you. Now get out of my face!"

"Oh... O‐Okay."

When he turns around, he notices Iida doing his best to hold a very furious Uraraka, hissing a couple of curses in Monoma's direction.

"Did you hear that?"

"He was very loud!" Iida tells him, finally releasing the girl as soon as Monoma gets out of sight.

"It's okay, I'm fine," Izuku assures them after noticing the concern on their faces. He truly feels good because at least he knows now that he didn't actually hurt Monoma. "I'm glad he's fine."

Uraraka rolls her eyes, but puts an arm over Izuku's shoulder afterwards.

"I can't understand you; I've seen you getting mad at him before... Why didn't you tell him something now?"

"It's different; the other times he was bullying someone and I couldn't just watch that happening," that was exactly one of the reasons he was so surprised to the point that he couldn't talk when Monoma asked him out; Izuku had stopped him from hurting other students so many times before that to him it didn't make sense. He thought Monoma hated him.

Well, maybe now he does.

"Are you okay, Midobro?"

Izuku was so immersed in his own thoughts, he didn't see Kirishima coming until he was right next to him, although he wasn't the only one distracted apparently because Iida and Uraraka get startled as well.

"I'm fine."

"Good. I just... I saw you talking with Monoma," Kirishima trails off, which is not very common when it comes to him. He looks nervous, but also deeply concerned, it's a little bit confusing. "He's usually a jerk to everyone so if he said something mean to you–"

"Oh, no! It wasn't about... it's not that important, really!" Izuku assures him. "I'm fine!"

"I'm glad," Kirishima nods, although he doesn't look relaxed at all. Uraraka is already narrowing her eyes at him. "Well... I'll see you later!"

"That's weird," Uraraka blurts out suddenly.

Now it's Izuku's turn to roll his eyes.

"He's just worried about me. You're reading too much into it! Come on, let's go to our next class!"

***

"I think you shouldn't ask Midoriya out."

Katsuki rolls his eyes at the sky and then again at Kirishima when shitty hair hovers over him with his eyes shadowing with ridiculous concern. They have talked about that a couple of times; his Izuku is not going to find out and Katsuki is going to give him anything he wants as soon as they start dating.

"It'll be fine!" Kaminari makes a dismissive gesture with his hand; he's been on Katsuki's side almost from the beginning and he refuses to think about that as a bad sign.

"I saw Monoma talking to him yesterday," Kirishima comments, finally collapsing next to Kaminari and Katsuki.

"So?"

"What do you mean 'So' aren't you worried about it?"

To be completely honest, Katsuki is not even sure himself how can he make it look like he's calm because he's anything but.

He's panicking at the moment. But he knows Monoma wouldn't do that because he wants to watch Katsuki failing on his own (which he won't) so it wouldn't make sense for him to tell his nerd about the bet.

Right? Katsuki has never wanted to be right in his life so bad before.

"Do you know what they were talking about?" Kaminari asks exactly what Katsuki is dying to know.

"No, but Midoriya said it wasn't important and he didn't look upset at all," shitty hair admits.

Although that's not exactly a response, it makes Katsuki feel a little bit better. Was it Monoma making fun of Izuku like he does with everyone else? That would be incredibly stupid on Monoma's part because Katsuki is more than willing to hurt him if that was the case, but at the same time, it'd be a relief.

"I should ask Mina about it. She probably knows and even if she doesn't, I'm sure she'll find out."

"Don't," Katsuki growls, feeling suddenly determined. "I'll go see Izuku myself."

He needs to know. But he's almost sure it didn't happen.

***

The relief he feels when he watches Izuku beam at him from the other side of the gym is almost overwhelming for Katsuki.

"You came to watch us practice again, Kacchan?" The nerd is already pulling away from a confused Todoroki (which makes Katsuki feel incredibly smug) and rushing towards him happily.

"I only came to see you," he admits, surprising Izuku and himself in the process; he watches as the nerd's freckles disappear under a lovely blush, knowing he's probably as red as Izuku is at the moment.

"Really?" Izuku looks so pleased Katsuki thinks that maybe embarrassing himself in front of him wasn't that bad after all.

The blond nods, rubbing the back of his neck nervously, pretending he doesn't hear Ashido's giggles in the background. The other cheerleaders seem to be really curious about their conversation.

"I'll stay here while you finish. I'll try to do some homework in the meantime."

"And you call him nerd?" Ashido asks with amusement, prompting the green haired boy to chuckle.

"She's right, Kacchan! You are a nerd!" Izuku giggles and it must be the proof that Katsuki is ridiculously besotted because he can't quite get mad at him because of it.

"Shut up, nerd," he blurts out, knowing he's trying to hold back a smile and failing miserably.

He should ask him out. This is the perfect opportunity.

"Midoriya, are you coming?" Todoroki asks suddenly; Katsuki can't help but feel a wave of irritation towards half and half at that moment.

"In a minute!"

"Are you free after practice?" Katsuki blurts out, feeling stupidly proud of himself for not stammering the question.

"Yes! We all are! Where do you want to go? I can text my friends!"

"Actually, I'd like for us to go alone. I-I mean... just the two of us, as a date."

It's concerning how fast his heart is beating at the moment; Katsuki can't help but remember the kiss on the cheek which predictably makes it a lot worse. He knows his face is completely red.

"A d-date?" Izuku stammers, looking like a strawberry, albeit a very cute one.

"It's okay if you don't want to..."

"I'd love to, Kacchan!" Izuku says, surprising the blond. "I have to go practice now, but I'll be back so you can take me wherever you want!"

Alright. Now Katsuki is sure he won't get any homework done because he'll be too busy thinking about his date with Izuku.

He wants to make him happy. It's the only thing he wants and... maybe another kiss.

There's no need to panic. No need to panic at all.

***

Next--->

Patreon

[sonickinhelp]

Happy New Year! Updates and housekeeping

Everyone who is still here, thank you for your support through the radio silence as this blog has been going through all the difficulty we've all come to expect from the 2020s.

I am still the only active mod. I didn't actually realize how long it had been since anyone else posted -- two years now. I have finally lost contact with Mods Silver and Whisper and their system. Don't worry, I know they're okay, and I'm glad they've gotten comfortable living openly and authentically as a system and are doing what makes them happy.

The main blog they used to create this blog has been abandoned for two years, and even back then it was clear that they were abandoning it permanently. So even though their account is still an admin on this blog, they don't actually have access to it anymore. At some point they deleted the discord server. I'm not sure when that was.

Besides them, there are still three other admins on this blog. I'm pretty sure none of them are ever going to post here again.

So, I'm doing something I didn't want to do, because I kept hoping that I wasn't really the last one left here. I'm going to consider myself as the primary owner of this blog from here on out and do a reboot. If former admins (especially Silver) come back and get upset at me for this, I'm truly sorry. I just can't bear to see this blog gasp and die like this anymore.

What this reboot entails

Immediately after posting this, I'm going to start fiddling with the blog layout. I'm not as good with tumblr themes as the one who set the blog up, and I don't want to break anything, so I'm probably not going to mess with it much. But I'm going to clean out all the old outdated information. I might also delete a nav page or two that don't make sense to have anymore.

I'm going to clean out the askbox and trigger-tag list. I hate to do it, but it's time to start fresh. If you have a request that hasn't been done and you still want it, send it in again. If you have a trigger you still need tagged, send it in again. (The old trigger-tag list was stored on the discord, so I don't have access to it anymore anyway.)

I'm going to rewrite the rules, FAQ, and pinned post. There's a good chance I won't change them much, but I just want to make sure they're accurate to the limitations and boundaries that exist now, and that's gonna be different from when the blog was created.

And, most importantly, I'm going to take on some new mods. I'll have to figure out a way for us to communicate besides a discord server (I'm over the 100-server limit and I don't have money for Nitro anymore) but this was never a blog I could effectively manage completely on my own. I want to have a team again, so everyone can have their requests done in days instead of months.

Thank you all again for your support. I'm glad that, despite everything, this blog is still here.

[will-o-wips]

It is 4 am. I'm staring at the ceiling of my bedroom, coincidentally having my phone right in my line of sight, and write this with the exasperation and intense focus that I probably won't ever have again. I'm about to attempt to make any sort of sense of the latest Hayao Miyazaki movie, The Boy and the Heron (or rather, How do you live? in Japanese), that I watched for the first time in theatres a day ago.

I cannot claim to be right, or to know everything about this movie. Actually acclaimed critics and people with obviously more braincells than me have probably better takes than I do. But I must speak, lest the insanity truly take over my brain, lest I really end up combusting because of how much I want to talk about this.

Prepare yourselves for the most incoherent train of thought and line of consciousness you will ever experience.

FILLED WITH SPOILERS READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. YOU WILL NOT UNDERSTAND UNLESS YOU HAVE SEEN THE MOVIE.

Before I start with my actual thoughts, however, I'll state my personal feelings about the movie, because I feel that matters too, and this is my post anyway so! But I personally left the cinema feeling somewhat mellow. I was not insane about it yet. It was,,, "meh". The impression of the ride was great; I was giggling along with the funny and even sometimes not purposefully funny moments, I enjoyed the animation to the point I would genuinely flap my hands in excitement at how good it was, I understood the story in great lines by noticing small details and going "oh so does this mean x?". But I did not cry. Not a single tear during or after or before the movie. I did not waver with my opinion on it as I rambled about it to my friends online and irl, much to their annoyance. I did not hesitate when I put it in my silly little Studio Ghibli movie tierlist maker that I update whenever I watch another one of these films together with my friends, categorized (in)discreetly under "all vibes no plot but there's a witch/wizard". I still don't, in fact.

So, given all of this, you'd probably say that I disliked the movie. That I would not have so much to say about it, after doing my mandatory ramble and update. Wrong. I still have more to say, somehow.

Despite that, I didn't rewatch the movie itself. I read an entirety of one (1) review of it, together with one (1) random video essay of 8 or so minutes, covering the basics of it. I reblogged one (1) post about its protagonist on tumblr and otherwise kinda read through the rest of the posts on here. I did not re-experience or re-examine this movie again. I cannot (again) accurately reference anything besides that what I vaguely remember from watching it a day or two ago. It's not playing anywhere near me anymore/not out anywhere else yet, so really, I don't even know what possessed me to write about this, or even say anything. The most fascinating thing (to probably all of us here) is; what made me change my mind about it?

It might've been the review on IndieWire. David Ehrlich and his well-written review, bringing things into much needed context as to why this movie was created. It could've been the fact that I've actively processed the movie better, now a little bit of time has passed. [Honestly it deserves a second watch/view for something more concrete, but I'm repeating myself with this, you get it.]

But I don't even really understand it myself. I felt and still feel so detached from this movie in a sense. I appreciate the artistry that went into it, and I adore the way it simply tells the story and leaves it up to interpretation. It references every single film Hayao Miyazaki has ever made before, and elements of other Ghibli films can probably be found in there too, if you looked hard enough. The vibes were similar to those of Spirited Away, and Howl's Moving Castle, given how inexplicably fantastical the world was. It just existed and breathed, and we as the audience jumped straight into it. We never got more exposition than what was needed; honestly I have a feeling that the second half of the movie was the vaguest piece of media I have ever consumed in my life. But it also had this perfect balance of the more drama-focused Ghibli films. The Boy and the Heron, in my opinion, is like the golden middle between reality and fantasy, both in terms of its narrative as well as comparison between other Ghibli movies.

This might also be the reason why I felt confused. The lines between reality and fantasy were so effortlessly blurred, that you could only process a singular picture. And when things are vague to me, I constantly need to pick them apart and analyse them, simply to satisfy my own curiosity.

The moment before I stepped into the movie theatre, my friend who watched along with me told me they heard it was a film about grief. I nodded along and said "yeah, okay, that just means it's another one of many Hayao Miyazaki and Ghibli films. Most of them are about some kind of loss, and dealing with it, either way." I sat down together with them; row 9, chairs 17 and 18, with my two bottles of water (one carbonated, one stilled) and the bag of terribly sour packaged chocolate pretzels I bought at the theatre itself. Horribly overpriced for the quality, I must say. My friend held onto the popcorn, and we sat through the ads, talking and laughing, anticipating something that was supposed to blow us away.

I cannot speak for my friend, but I think they really liked the movie regardless. They didn't cry at it either, even though we both know of each other that we always cry at such things. Somehow this movie evoked a certain stillness in us both; a stalemate between emotions and confusion. Maybe delayed processing. Maybe something else entirely. We both, or at least I, hid it until later.

It was midnight, and right before we stepped on our train home, I was excitedly going on about the references and animation, the things I did appreciate. I bragged a bit about how I recognized Kenshi Yonezu's voice in the final credit song that we didn't get to listen to entirely, because it was so late and we had to rush to get home. They laughed at me and told me to take some time to actively formulate any coherent thoughts on it. I disagreed (lovingly and jokingly of course), and we left it at that.

In the train itself, the same high dimmed into a simmer, the excitement replaced with contemplation, and I kept talking.

I told them: "I believe that this truly is his last film. This felt like a goodbye." And in return, they replied: "It's crazy how this is the last time we'll ever get to live in such a moment. The release of the final Ghibli movie in theatres.

"I'm glad we got to go."

I was too.

I got home, rambled about the intrinsic way The Boy and the Heron referenced other Ghibli movies to my online friends who had yet to see it. Followed by a heated tangent about how When Marnie Was There truly could have had better direction in regards to the narrative, as well as how Only Yesterday was the most boring out of all Ghibli movies. It was a nice night. I didn't think about the movie again.

The following morning, I contacted other friends, who told me about how Robert Pattison voiced the Heron in the English dub, which I hadn't seen or heard at all. He did a great job, judging by the trailer. This led me to another opinion, namely the video essay (I will try to find it and put it in the notes later if you are curious), which claimed something similar to this (of course, paraphrased):

"This is a farewell. The one true movie to tie such an expansive career. It is another movie where you are allowed to explore the magical together with the main character, while sticking close to the processing of it all."

The review I read said it was a swan-song, that it was the question and title of the movie in Japanese, posed at us, after The Wind Rises left it open to interpretation at the end of its run. That this was a story about the legacy that Miyazaki is leaving behind, how reality and fantasy coexist together, possibly influencing each other (not explicitly said but what I interpreted that review saying, so no this is also not completely like this).

Other tumblr posts I've seen on here say it was a film most likely dedicated to his son, Goro Miyazaki. That it was a gentle "I'm sorry, the shadow I leave behind is huge. I know that you will try and fail to fill it. It's okay; you don't have to. You can leave it behind. It's alright if this legacy dies with me."

Some other sources I've seen compare the main protagonist to Miyazaki himself, trying to grapple with the ending.

Yet somehow, all of these interpretations seem to fail to explain the entirety of this movie. The bigger picture if you will. These themes and moments and interpretations are not wrong, but to me, they're not satisfying enough.

Because maybe I am the only one who actually was insane about this moment, but I will never forget the delivery room scene between Mahito and Natsuko. How Himi addresses the magic stone, pleading to let the two go, saying "Natsuko and the boy who is to be her son". (Again, paraphrased, I cannot remember the exact line.) Maybe I am the only one who witnessed the whimsical fire witch and the going back in time plots and the fact that a younger Kiriko and Himi were there, already part of an ecosystem. How we already know from the other grannies in the house that Mahito's mother disappeared once for a whole year into the tower, and then came back the same as before. How the pelicans were BROUGHT there, that they did not belong there, and yet were forgetting how to fly. How they ate the Warawara, these creatures that were rising above to be born in the upper world. How the Heron's weakness was his 7th tail feather (or something along those lines), and how the fish and the frogs chanted for Mahito to join them in the tower. That the great-great-uncle was hoping for Mahito to succeed him and build a new tower, yet the king of the parakeets butted in and haphazardly did the job, resulting in it immediately toppling over, as well as the stones getting cut.

I think about the final scene where the Heron says "It's best to forget. Do you have any keepsakes?" And Mahito shows not only older Kiriko's figure, but also a piece of the stone paths they walked upon in order to get to the centre, the beating heart, the magic stone and his great-great-uncle.

How this is taking place during a war, that the timeline goes from his mothers death that Mahito cannot get over, to the welcoming of his stepmother and his new younger sibling. Them moving back to Tokyo. The way the tower completely collapsed. Completely and utterly collapsed and perished; not even a trace of it left behind. The way that older Kiriko keeps yelling it is a trap to Mahito in the beginning, but that both he and the Heron know. That it is inevitable to tread this specific path. That he must see for himself, whether his mother is truly alive. The way she both was and wasn't; first a mirage of her older self disappearing into a puddle of water, and second a firey spirit of her younger self coming to help Mahito. The way that he reads and cries at the book she left him, the way he hits himself with a rock after his big fight with his classmates; the way Mahito in general drowns consistently in the beginning of the film. He drowns in the fire that he lost his mother in. He drowns in the mud and the dust when he tries to enter the tower at first. He drowns in his dreams, in his tears, drowns right into his quest to find Natsuko (straight through the floor, by behest of his great-great-uncle), drowns in pelicans trying to eat him, nearly drowns in the actual sea until younger Kiriko fishes him out.

Now these things may seem like me just randomly naming shit that happens in the movie. Hopefully in a slightly poetic way, possibly. I could go on and on about the imagery, truly. But my point is, this movie may have been Miyazaki's last movie, his way of closure, his way of speaking to his son about his legacy, his way of describing the grief of losing his mother (idk if this is autobiographical or not. It very well may have been), yet...

Even so, it doesn't really fit the entire picture. It feels incomplete. The analyses always focus on the true meaning behind this movie, what happens behind the scenes, this one key climactic moment between Mahito and his great-great-uncle. But that's as if you would ignore the rest of the movie in general. As if the fantastical aspects weren't there to abstractly tell a story besides just being a symbol of closure for the person that directed it.

Personally, this is a tale of rebirth. Of losing yourself, and then rediscovering yourself in a way. I associate it with my own personal loss of my grandfather; the family member I felt closest to out of everyone.

The way you look back at such a traumatic stage in your life, something that irrevocably changed you for good, something that you probably don't ever want to relive again, but also mustn't forget. The way you instinctively are afraid to learn about who the person you love and grieve was, before you were in their life.

To this day, I still cannot speak to my mother about whether my grandfather had a favourite song before me forcing him to sing along with my favourites. A favourite book before he read out bedtime stories to me tirelessly. Who the boy in him was, and what wisdom and life lessons he carried on, into his grave, into the hearts of his children.

This movie depicts so much more than just grief, it's so much more than just legacy, even. It directly reflects the way I know I would have felt had I dared to actually see things for myself. If I actually dared to go through my grandfather's old things; the books he wrote and dedicated to me, the books he read when he was young. This movie depicts not how to live, but how to live on.

And the only way to live on is to move forward. To look at the foundations upon which it was built, to evaluate whether you truly want to have this be your burden to carry for the rest of your life. Mahito's abstract grief in regards to his mother, and the solace he finds in the fact that he at least knew who she was; that he at least had her in his life as both his mother and the girl that his stepmother knew, that at the very least he knows his mother would do it all over again, if she could. That despite everything, she did not regret a thing, and that she was not afraid. That somewhere, in the past, she lives on, happily marching toward this fate, because she knows that Mahito will be there to meet her again in the future.

And Natsuko, god, she worries relentlessly about whether Mahito will accept her. She worries to the point she yells at him, telling him that she hates him and his existence, because he rejects her so coldly and yet still bothers to show up in front of her during her most vulnerable moments. That he only takes and takes and takes; he steals her cigarettes in order to learn how to sharpen a knife from one of the servants. He uses those techniques to create a bow and arrow, a weapon. He gets into fights at school, he gets gravely injured on the side of his head, leaving a lasting scar.

If I were in her shoes, I would be furious at him too. Especially if he walked straight into the delivery room, trying to drag me out of bed while I was doing my damn best to keep the other child in my belly alive.

That scene, that sheer rage, and the way it ALL FUCKING SUBSIDES the MOMENT Mahito accepts her and calls her mother. The moment Mahito understands that through the literal whirlwind of plasters, things used to tend to wounds, none of those pleasantries/guards will truly allow him to reach her. The way he tries to nurse his own wounds, as well as try to nurse hers, over the loss of their shared connection (Natsuko's older sister, Mahito's biological mother), will NEVER allow him to make a connection with her. By being careful, by being polite, he will never get to be her son.

And he realizes, in that moment, that he wants to.

The magic stone tries to stop this. The magic stone dislikes disruption; dislikes things changing, dislikes breaking traditions (the taboo of entering the delivery room). The parakeets in the tower flourish because they follow the magic stone's whims more or less. They agree to follow its rules, even if it means they are prone to its abuse, because it gives them an advantage, a place to stay. The pelicans have to eat the Warawara, because there is no other food available to them.

The way younger Kiriko says "you reek of death", and how they establish this place is mostly made up of death and dead people. Dead people, or dying people, creatures that are begging to survive another day. Creatures that are begging to be reborn. That want to change, that wish to fly once more.

My mother once gave me a poem dearest to her heart. We have always been a family filled with literature and stories, but my mother was always the best at both writing them and reciting them. She used to read them out to me, back when I was in a particularly bad spot mentally, to the point I could not get out of bed for weeks on end, to try and reach me. She read with the sincerest passion in her voice, a small plea to get me back to the girl I was before.

I cannot explain or remember the poem by heart, but once I was at my true rock bottom, she told me to look it up. A Serbian poem, written by Miroslav Antić (I will add the name of it later), that was about growing up and growing into your own person. It made me weep, for it had a phrase I think I can only translate to this:

"Run and don't look back."

Somehow, whenever I look at all of these birds and creatures in this fantasy world, trying to fly desperately, trying to get to the skies, trying to get to even live, and think about the fact that the only way they can is by leaving this place. That the only way they can fly and survive as themselves is by leaving this tower, this stone, this foundation. By leaving and being born, by leaving and being reborn.

And, after all of this. Somehow I'm not even done yet. I haven't talked about the great-great-uncle in depth, nor the king of the parakeets, nor the heron whatsoever. I have not yet even touched upon what I might think the magic stone is, and the sheer amount of like symbolism I picked apart in my brain because of my insanity.

I'm probably not the only one who noticed these things. But so far I haven't seen anyone actively share these things, so, I will do my best to continue and genuinely wrap it up as best as I can. So that this can also bring the same amount of closure as the movie does.

The magic stone is like a shooting star that came onto the earth. It realizes dreams and worlds of whoever dares to walk into it and claim to own it; like how Mahito's great-great-uncle got obsessed and built a tower around it, caging it, taming it. And yet he still had to play to its whims, consistently making sure his own tower of blocks did not fall, that all of his work did not amount to nothing. Personally, I do believe the great-great-uncle could represent Miyazaki himself. That Miyazaki is trying to express how he built Ghibli and that now it has been going on for so long, and it has become unmanageable to continue upholding it. That it is time to retire.

A thing I find interesting and remember pretty well is the conversation between the parakeet king and the great-great-uncle. How they talked about Mahito's transgression, breaking into the delivery room (side note: he broke in and broke through to Natsuko with his mother's spirit. Mahito became Natsuko's son with the blessing of his mother; with the sheer love she had for him being carried on and through), and how the great-great-uncle says something akin to this:

"It is why I wish for him [Mahito] to succeed me."

"I cannot overlook such a transgression."

I feel this is important. It is key to how the great-great-uncle views Mahito in this. Because Mahito was not sent out on this quest to find Natsuko out of pure selfishness. Sure, his uncle would have wanted him to succeed him, but the entire reason WHY he believed in Mahito to begin with, is the fact that this boy was able to break the foundation and the traditions in the first place. Mahito inherently disobeys from the chosen path. Mahito inherently does not believe the Heron when he says that all herons lie. Mahito doesn't waver when the heron flies straight at him, he doesn't sway when the frogs or the pelicans overwhelm him. Mahito stands firm in who he is, even if he is trying to deal with new circumstances. Mahito inherently goes to places he should not be in (his curiosity for the tower). Mahito has enough power on his own to create a new tower, but only by rebuilding it from scratch.

This ready acceptance that the great-great-uncle has towards Mahito's decision NOT to inherit his legacy, is what makes me believe this is what this movie is supposed to represent. Break away from the old, off into the new. Closure. Moving on.

This is also reflected in the sentiment that Mahito truly DOES move on. He goes back to his family, his father, school, he goes back with Natsuko as his mother and a new younger sibling to Tokyo. He returns there where he came from, but he is not the same anymore. He is reborn into a new Mahito.

And god I feel like I'm repeating myself to death here; I really should have thought about the structure of this, but give me some slack okay. It's like 6:30 am already and I'm still not done, despite continuously writing and labouring at this.

So, the tower that immediately falls apart by someone who always follows the whims of a dream (the parakeet king and the stone respectively). God it is just such a momentTM. Because in the end even this shows that the parakeets, too, even though they by far had it the best in that goddamn tower, had to leave. For they could not build something on their own without learning who they were outside of the already established. Outside of just following the rules and all.

They had to leave, my GODDDDD.

As I'm getting progressively more unhinged, we shall move onto the most unhinged character in this entire fucking movie. The Heron himself. God there's too much to unpack here, really, but the truth is, the Heron was supposed to be the guide to Mahito. The Heron was supposed to be Mahito's biggest, most aggressive enemy, the direct antagonist to Mahito's protagonist. The Heron doesn't want change. The Heron tries to bribe Mahito with the fact that his mother is still alive, that he need only enter the tower, and lose himself to illusions and dreams. That fantasizing about his mother being alive won't only drown him more, that it won't just let Mahito sink into the deepest pits of his despair and anguish about such a death, that losing yourself to the belief that something is there when it is not wouldn't only be counterproductive. The Heron masks himself consistently; he says that all herons lie. He says that he only has one weakness, his own feather, that allows the arrow to automatically target him. In essence, the Heron shot himself in the foot beak. He himself slipped up in his mirage world, and came out to be who he truly was, this weird little man with a huge nose and a conniving demeanour. He adamantly cannot disobey the dream, for then his true nature comes peaking out (a small detail I absolutely love is the fact that the Heron's feathers also disappear out of Mahito's hands when Mahito is called back to reality by the grannies. The grannies protect him in the dream world too, by being his tether and support system while he gets over himself and starts trusting Natsuko). The Heron doesn't WANT to be a guide, for in order to be a guide, you must tell the truth. You'd need to know some facts about the world around you and share this information with the ones seeking guidance. This is how I believe Mahito understood the Heron before we did.

It's not that all herons lie; it's just that this particular one does not want to face the truth/reality.

Another interesting detail: the whole reason why only Mahito was able to cover up the hole in the Heron's beak was reminiscent about how only those that called you out can really patch up your old image. Only those that have poked holes in your false narrative are able to fill them back up again, and even then it is not the same, and even then it will not always be comfortable/reliable.

Either way, the Heron, after this wings partially turn into hands, his true nature, is unable to fly all that well for a while. He relies on Mahito's corkscrew thing in order to relish in his comfort zone of lies again. But throughout the movie, the Heron slowly starts to ignore the corkscrew completely; simply opting to stay in his (frankly, freakish) half gremlin man half heron costume form. The Heron changes because Mahito inspired him to change. Even though his image used to be spotless before, and he tried to deceive Mahito, after a while, he stopped doing that. The mutual trust both Mahito and the Heron had grew. The Heron became a person, although his heron-ness would never go away.

The Heron thus warns Mahito that he should want to forget. That he will forget, either way. That this struggle of his to grapple with the reality of his situation, and the fantasy that he was delving into, will become a far-off memory that Mahito should not revisit. The Heron, I believe, is genuinely trying to look out for Mahito.

"Don't dwell in what you have already overcome. Don't revisit the things you have already outgrown."

And this is where the movie more or less ends. Mahito still keeps that stone, and his mother's book, and he goes back to Tokyo; the only crucial difference is that he has overcome his own grief.

Now, I've said this like a billion times now, but this is the rebirth. This is what I think this movie stands for. What it means, at its core. This is what it means to live; to move on and to cut ties with that what has no place in your life anymore. Miyazaki, I think, is trying to give us closure, a final farewell to Ghibli altogether.

Now I don't know about any speculation that he might come back again, and personally, I don't think it really matters. If he does come back, good for him. I just don't know enough to say anything for sure, so I'll just say I cannot say.

Either way, I think, even though Miyazaki conveyed the need for a new start/a rebirth, he didn't really end on the complete abolishment of all that used to be. You are allowed to keep mementos of it; even though the Heron advises not to. Mahito is allowed to reflect upon this experience, to see it as another stone in his foundation/formation, to say that, yes, the spirit of this change will always stay with me, although it has passed.

Just like how Mahito's mom was someone who returned to the past without regrets. She never came back. She was a spirit that pushed Mahito forward, and he will always remember her, but it's better that she stay a memory than become a fantasy.

This is why I'm so impressed by this movie in general. I'm so thankful that I was able to witness this with a friend of mine. I'm glad that I was able to see this, even though my insanity knows no bounds, and the fact that I didn't even think about any of this until I really sat down to look through the options of interpretations.

I'm so glad I got to go. Now it's time to run towards the future, and never look back.

[ballonleastadiumofficial]

Fine.

FINE.

In light of recent events, it appears I've made a post that has displeased many of you. I... apologize. It was not my intention to make anyone upset. I believe... I typed largely without thinking, and defaulted to a train of thought that was once natural to me. I won't deny that there is a part of me that truly believes what I said, (and that squirms at the idea of acting remorseful for it), but that part of me is a leftover from a long time ago, and I'll make an attempt to rise above it. After all, it's a gym leader's job to be an example for others, is it not? I'd be dreadful at that if I didn't make more attempts to spread positivity...

With that said, allow me to humbly try to rectify my statements by taking a moment to... hmph... appreciate the types that I named in that post.

Oh, this will be difficult.

Bug types. Oh, bug types. let's just get the hardest ones out of the way first, shall we. I believe... I appreciate the transformations some bug types go through. Like going from Caterpie to a graceful Butterfree, or Grubbin to a fearsome Vikavolt. I see myself in that. It feels very inspiring, even if I still wouldn't allow a Vivillon to land on my arm.

Specifically, @artyburgh, Leavanny is one of the few bug types I'd be able to call "cute", and I appreciate its caring nature. It's expressive in ways I'm not accustomed to in bug types. I also think it's one of the few pokemon you can say has a sense of style, ehehehehe... hem. Furthermore, I enjoy the sense of style you bring to your gym, if such praise means anything to you from a budding gym leader such as myself.

Dark types... I respect the challenge they've presented to me in the past. Contrary to what one might think, I do enjoy being presented with hurdles to outsmart- not only does it make me appear capable when I manage to do so, but it's simply... engaging. Thrilling, even. As a former psychic type trainer, dark types being immune to my attacks certainly was a challenge I had to rise to meet. I believe battling some of them made me a better trainer. Not to mention, their cunning is ever so slightly reminiscent of the trickery I enjoy in fairies, even if it may be... annoying, occasionally.

@grimsley-official, I respect your restraint, but... I suppose... hmmmmph. I suppose just because I'm a "kid" doesn't make my platform any less impactful (at least I should hope so), and dark types already receive quite a bit of slander from the public as it is. I should not have said what I did. Also, Liepard is a wonderful choice for a pokemon- It's proud and elegant nature is very endearing. In fact, I find many of your choices to be quite respectable. If I had to pick dark types, anyway... @piers-official, I'd say I also find your cohesive team choices and commitment to your aesthetic admirable, even if it is one I'd never see for myself. Malamar, in particular... such a presence from a pokemon...

Poison types... poison types, poison types, poison types... Tch. I simply don't believe I like them. But, I can see that they're fierce battlers. In fact, I see that all the time, given that people are constantly bringing them into my gym. But that's beside the point. Their battle style is unique and all their own, and I can acknowledge that it might appeal to some. And of course there are a few I don't mind, like the Glimmora in Paldea or Roserade I see about Galar. Venonat looks like something Miss Opal would like.

@rockstar-roxie, I can not honestly say I enjoy any of your pokemon, but I suppose they need someone to care and vouch for them all the same. Hats off to you for doing so.

Steel types- this one happens to be quite easy. They're sleek, efficient, streamlined... very proper pokemon. Nothing to write home about, In my opinion, but not inherently awful for any reason either. Other than being very good at defeating my fairy types, I suppose.

I don't happen to want to go into detail about why they make me uncomfortable to be around.

I acknowledge that dragon types are extremely strong. I do believe the consensus in official leagues is that they are, pokemon for pokemon, one of the most powerful types there are. And anyone who would seriously invest in training even one of them... I understand that it is quite the ordeal, so I must respect anyone who has managed it as a pokemon trainer. Just... kindly keep those jaws at arms length from me. Please.

Ground types... from a battling perspective, it's difficult to completely disregard ground type moves, as it's the only type that is super effective against electric types. Even my Rapidash knows Drill Run. They have a very respectable battling niche, and I should not be so quick to dismiss them. It's only... the dirt... shudder. I realize that that's a personal problem, though, and I ought not to let it get in the way of the way I perceive the pokemon themselves.

@underground-boss-clay, even I have to admit that the Galarian Wild Area would never be the same without the Palpitoad song in the evenings. Perhaps appreciation for that pokemon is something that we can actually agree on?

And for those of you who I haven't mentioned by name, how about this- for the next ten relevant asks I receive, if you send me something about one of your pokemon, I'll be obligated to compliment it no matter what manner of creature it is. Does that feel fair to you?

Sigh... I HOPE everyone's satisfied now.

[darkx-the-dragon-kn1ght]

Chapter 27- Part 7

Yeah yeah, I remember your speech about the city being built over a holy site, but- will wrecking everything with the PULSEs really fix anything? Sure, the people will flee the Reborn region and everything will be abandoned, the holy site won't be “desecrated” anymore, but at what cost? Even if the PULSEs are shut down afterwards, won't the damage caused by them still linger for a long time? Doesn't seem much more respectful to that holy site if you ask me…

What an interesting question to ask at this juncture…what is Xera willing to sacrifice by now, at this point in the story?

When this first began, she just wanted revenge for almost being killed in the train bombing and make sense of why she survived, she had no real investment in the city as a whole besides the Reborn League. But then, she fought to get stronger so she could find and rescue Victoria and take revenge on Agent Borealis, the man responsible for her capture. Then everything at Rhodochrine happened, she met Heather, she learned the horrible truth of who Borealis really was, she watched Corey die indirectly because of her own actions. She promised to look after his daughter in his stead, and she was finally successful in rescuing Victoria. 

So now…where does that leave her? Definitely, above all else, a desire to fulfill that promise and protect Heather (and by extension, save the other orphanage kids), but there's so much more to all of this. Amaria wasn't wrong when she pointed out the general public is in danger with these PULSEs active, and yet the only reason Xera agreed to come to Blacksteam and take out the PULSEs was just so she and Cain could get back to saving the kids. So I think she's still a bit iffy on the city as a whole, but there's no denying she's come to care about a select few people within its walls- even if Xera herself probably still isn't fully cognizant to how much she truly cares about those select few.

But is she at a point by now where she'd sacrifice that much? For a goal meant to be for the good of the whole city, but she's doing it for much more personal and selfish reasons? Time, spirit, her own life…where does the line for sacrifice get drawn at this point in time…?

Oh! Oh shoot! Oh, Solaris wasn't being philosophical when he asked if she'd sacrifice her life, he was being literal, he was actually trying to kill her. Um- okay! Well, uh- points to him for taking the initiative like that, trying to directly finish off the hero, I can't even be mad, Ghetsis would be proud. Though I do feel a bit silly now for going off about narratives and character development based on what was actually a distraction…

Anyways, hi again Amaria, glad to see you're still alive.

So that's two people Xera now owes her life to- and their names both start with “Am”. Huh.

Tania- Titania! That's right, she was the fourth roommate between her, Julia, and Florinia at the Trainers’ School!

So Titania is where Amaria got those bracelets from? Hmm- considering what happened in Corey's life after he got the Ruby Ring, that doesn't bode well…

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[bonesandthebees]

chapter six time!

and you are excited because its not going where we would expect

im not quite sure what i expect, i dont think it will go perfectly, i think perhaps something will happen that will change force their dynamic to change in a sense theyre going to this abandoned area, lots can happen they could get stuck, they could experience something crazy, a lot could happen and any one of them should realistically either drastically change their relationship or lead to a change that will eventually force their relationship to change but yk

anyways time to read!

he left the ferro thing (i cant bother to look at how to spell it right now my bad) which is you know interesting

i like this little flashback because niki obviously realizes that wilbur will do what his dad says and its obvious his father wants him to play into tomys. and thats the game of politics niki knows there arent truly friends here, but its hard to watch someone youve trusted and had on your side for so long suddenly be pulled in a different direction due to this game and i think its also just niki’s own game in a way as she figures out what she must do and yeah its a balance

and thats another thing because they know each other the way friends do but they cannot be truly “friends” because of how this works

be careful on the mountain roads… somethings going to go wrong there and itll probably be wilbur who pays the price

i think ive seen this film before and i didnt like the ending

a bad feeling…

oh my goodness shouts!

bandits!!! this is going to go terribly!

and theyre here for tommy so of course wilbur is going to protect him (right…) yeaaaa get behind him (this is going to go terribly)

oh lord we’re going off roading i dont think this carriage has four wheel drive

and crashed

PRETEND TO BE DEAD

oh god his leg is broken isnt it

yes! play dead!

A BROTHERHWHEHEHEH

the contract? someone paid for tommy’s death and i have a sneaking suspicion its one of the potential heirs quackity would make sense with his warning and schlatt probably would i wouldnt be shocked

oh lord i got so distracted it is significantly later than when i started writing this

they lived! big shock!

but uh oh! now they have to try and survive in the winter in the wilderness alone! i wonder how that will drastically change their relationship!

anyways this chapter was great im very excited for the upcoming arcs and whatnot and im very invested in wilburs broken leg and all because ive taken one too many medical courses that have made me a tad too aware of how to properly care for a good chunk of injuries but thats besides the point! hope you have a good day and i cant wait for the next chapter :]

- 🪿

the thing with niki is that her and wilbur's friendship is very real and has existed for longer than they've been aware of the political games. it's a matter of is that friendship going to continue through all of this? how far can their relationship bend until it breaks completely? niki in no way thinks her friendship with wilbur is fake or over. but she's trying to figure out what matters more to him—is it loyalty to his father, or loyalty to her? is she ever going to be the most important person to him? or is she always going to be one step behind?

"oh lord we're going off roading I don't think this carriage has four wheel drive" this made me laugh out loud thank you for that the carriage does NOT have four wheel drive

lol knew the brother line would get you guys

hmm who paid the contract for tommy's life... so many options...

wow now they're stranded alone in the wilderness together! surely this won't have any lasting impact on their relationship!

don't hold your breath for proper medical treatment tommy and wilbur are 1) trapped in the wilderness and 2) this is technically a medieval-ish era so. medicine ain't exactly up to modern standards lmao

[fantasies-fairytales-n-fics]

Thranduil and Josie Pt. 131- To the Moon and Back

Summary: Josie and Lola have a talk. New info about Narcisse worries the Queen. Haldir comes back empty handed to Josie's dismay. She finally faces the reality. Legolas and Thranduil speak again. Leean's magic begins. Haldir and Josie head to a party in Dorwinion city. Josie dreams of a stranger who has an unsettling word.

*Warnings* language, angst, violence, gambling, grief,

Stories Stories Stories Masterlist

You spent an hour soaking in Haldir's bath of healing water while Lola tended to Leean and Haldir was out looking for the phantom of Thranduil like he promised you he would, although you knew he didn't believe that you saw him. Why was it so hard for an elf of all beings to believe something of great magic could occur? Especially after all that you and he had witnessed in your time with him, and all he himself had witnessed in his thousands of years. He knew what Thranduil's magic was capable of as well, so you just didn't get why he was being so reluctant to believe that Thranduil had found a way to visit you spiritually. You still wondered if Haldir knew of Thranduil's stag ability. How could he not? The two were the closest of friends for all of their existence, but you weren't about to ask, for it meant betraying Thranduil's trust in his secret. Maybe that was why Haldir was keeping silent about it too? The code of honor between best friends...although they weren't anymore, all because of you.

You got out and dressed, then went to Lola's room. She was holding Leean and had a prepared bottle of healing water next to her per your request because you were worried that the evil enchantment of the forest's effects on you would pass onto your sweet princess, even though you were now feeling normal again, except for you thoughts of the King.

"Lola...I have a question for you. You are so wonderful to me and my daughter and she adores you, as do I. Besides Haldir and Legolas, I trust no one else with her....but I suppose that's because there is no one else. Anyways, at some point, I will leave here with her and...I was wondering if...you would come with us? Be her nanny. You would be far more compensated than what Narcisse pays you and you would have your own private chambers. No more bunking with two other people and having to share a bath."

"My la..I mean, Josie...I do not know what to say? It is such a gracious offer and I...I adore you both as well. I..."

"Well just say yes then, yes?"

"I..i just don't know how Lord Narcisse will react. I have been a loyal servant of his for so long."

"Well he is not so loyal to you for your service now is he? After all you do and he cannot even give you your own room in this endless monumental structure. You delivered my baby for god's sake." you huffed. You were still very much pissed at him for antagonizing you like he did.

"But..if you go to Lorien, well from what I understand of the magical place, they do not have...rooms?"

You laughed. "They do, they're just not like what you would expect. Are you ok with heights? I mean, I'm not really, but it's not so bad there with it all being inside, what I like to call it, an enormously large treehouse with many tree houses inside of it...if that makes sense. But still, I am not sure that is where I will end up. I so long to go home, but...I'm just not ready yet to face the memories. Don't you long for a place you can truly call home? This can't certainly be it."

"All the time." she said with sad blue eyes.

You didn't know much of anything about her life but you could tell she had had it rough.

"Well, you think about it. I won't pressure you, but I will honestly say, I do not know what I would do without you. So..do you know if Narcisse is still here by chance? There's something important he needs to be aware of."

"No my la..sorry, Josie." she chuckled.

She was so well mannered, like it was etched into her very being and you sometimes wondered if she even knew what it was like to just be herself and not always be so damn polite.

"Narcisse has left for the evening to the city. He checked in with me before he left, but I think he just wanted to see this precious little angel since all he did was hold her...I..I hope you don't mind."

That kind of tugged at your heart strings. No matter what Narcisse had done, you knew he cared for Leean.

"No, of course not. She's taken a liking to him, which is more than I can say for myself right now...never mind, I shouldn't be telling you these things with him being your employer. So, what is this big event in the city anyways? and Lola...Narcisse isn't here. You don't have to be so proper around me. I won't tell if you won't. You can even swear if you want." you assured her with a grin.

She shyly giggled. "Well, it's an infamous gambling event of all kinds. Some good, some not so much. Lots of drinking and partying. All kinds of people attend. It's open to anyone really."

"What's the not so good part?"

"An underground fighting tournament, but that's only for the big wigs per se, people with money and class, like..."

"Narcisse..." you finished her sentence. "Does he participate in that or just make bets?"

"Bets as far as I am aware. There has been an undefeated champion for sometime now. He has joked about taking him on a time or two but I believe he had a bit too much to drink when he said those things."

Her words struck something in you. Narcisse was already knocking the drinks back when you and he had that fight before he was to go to this shindig....and he was angry.

"Lola...do you think he would actually ever do it? Participate in a fight club, which I assume that's what it is?"

"I really don't know. I suppose he may. He has done some wild things and everyone knows of his ego...oh please do not tell him I said that!"

"Don't worry, I will not. I would have to agree with you on that anyways. Arrogant SOB."

Lola let out a hefty laugh and then so did you.

"So...like what kind of fighting is it? I mean, when you say underground, all I think of is clandestine fighting, especially if there's wagers involved."

"It's extremely dangerous. They can use weapons. What is the term I am looking for...hmmm."

"No holds barred?"

"Yes, that would be it. No rules basically. Josie...they fight to the death...."

"Jesus..."

Goosebumps went clear down your arms. You could feel it, the bad vibe. Narcisse was going to do it.

"What time does that start, do you know?"

"The stroke of midnight."

Just then, Haldir came in, and he wasn't smiling....so you knew, he didn't locate Thranduil...but you anxiously asked him anyways.

"Did you see him??"

"No, Jo. I am so sorry. I found the spot you described to me in which I could still smell your scent at too, but I did not pick up his and...I saw no blood, if he was injured like you said. There was no sign of Harker either, although I did smell his lingering odor. Jo..the entire forest was at it always is...dark and dead."

"My god...I...I really was...hallucinating?? But...it..it was real...so real to me."

You began to cry and ran into the hallway so Lola wouldn't have to see you like that and you didn't want to wake, nor scare Leean. Haldir followed.

"Jo, I really am so sorry. I too, wanted it to be real...for you, for Leean. I cannot stand to see you hurting like this."

'Haldir...I don't know what to do anymore. I have good days, and then I have days that are just plain shit and it takes everything in me to go on...and I know that I have to for my child. Thranduil made sure he was clear about that, well, in what I perceived to be real anyways, when it was all just a lie...a stupid fucking illusion due to black magic...or maybe, just maybe, he really did come to me?? To protect me? It's not like he hasn't before. I saw him in the mirror at Lestat's, and I dreamed of him and I could feel him, smell him. Please tell me at least that was all real or I am going to fall apart at the seems."

"Come here."

He pulled you snuggly into his arms and kissed your head.

"I believe it was all real to you. I know how powerful Thranduil was so I am not in any way saying it is not possible that you saw him like you think I am doing. I was just worried for you because you have been through enough. I believe he will always watch over you and Leean."

You abruptly wiped your eyes with a quick sniffle. It was time to put on your big girl panties and try to move on and live a little.

"Lola, will you watch Leean for this night?"

"Of course my...Josie. I am more than happy too..and I will think over your offer."

"Thank you so much for all you do Lola. You are are so appreciated more than you know...So...Haldir...do you wanna go to a party?"

Thranduil stepped away from the door after hearing the three warlock's conversation. He stood at the mirror staring at himself and clutched the vanity as his hands shook fiercely in anger, for he remembered nothing of projecting himself or seeing you, or receiving the agonizing hole in his side. He could not attest to what happened after speaking with Legolas, it was all a blackout. How could he be so careless and cretinous to let that happen, he thought. Now his sacred secret was revealed...and all because of you. His conditioning by the evil warlocks that he was unaware of made him so furious at himself and with you, for he wanted nothing to do with you, and yet he supposably risked everything to be with you...and it was more unnerving to him that he had no control over it, as if his soul had taken over his mind. The two parts of him were inconsistent, his mind did not want you, did not love you, despised you even, but unknowingly to him, his soul had other plans.

"WHY!" he shouted at his image, as if he were calling out his heart for it's betrayal.

"Legolas?? Can you hear me??" Thranduil anxiously barked inside his head.

Legolas sprung up from his slumber at his campsite for the evening. He wanted to be well rested for the next day's journey into Lorien, where he was certain Aragorn was. It would still be a long trip, possibly two more days, for he was only at the fork of the Old Forest Road and the Anduin River just on the borders of Mirkwood, but he would only remain there a few hours and leave before the twilight of early morning.

"Adar!!" Legolas shouted inside his head, for he still had to be leery of the dangers around him, such as Orcs and spiders.

"Legolas, where are you my son??"

"I am on my way to Lorien to gather Aragorn and Gimli. I plan to arrive within two days and be near the goblin forest by 3 days at the most, if no problems arise. Are you alright? After we lost contact, I could not reach you again."

"No, I am not alright to say the least! I have been shot with an arrow and I..."

"Father what? You said you were locked in a room inside the mountain? How did this happen? Is it fatal?!!"

"I will live. It is too much to explain. I am still imprisoned for the time being, but I do not know what Jareth's plans are now. I do know that they are after the moonstones and a book. Do you know anything of this?"

"Ashmole. Do you not remember father? Josie asked you about it once back in Mirkwood to see if you were aware of it and what it entailed...and Caroline, she held Julian captive for 9 years, trying to obtain it herself."

His mind briefly flashed to a memory of Caroline, when he had overheard her and Raven speaking about Julian being alive.

'Yes, yes now I do recall that. The Book of Shadows. A witch's bible. The Book of Life, the Book of Death, it has many names and many uses depending on the hands that hold it. I suppose now I see why Jareth wants it. It carries the only means of his destruction and the power to bring forth that which should not be. It is all coming together now. They wish to recruit me as an ally and to rule along side of him with his army of darkness. The moonstones must be a means to an end for his plans. I assume you have my ring as I asked you to bring to me?"

"Adar...your ring...it is missing. I have searched your chambers thoroughly. I am certain it was here only days ago. Did the crow possibly bring it to you and you do not remember? You said you had been tortured."

"Why would that bird bring my moonstone to me?"

"Because he took Josie's to her, and I believe that he knew you were alive and was trying to aid you."

Legolas had to keep his thoughts quiet of Amara and what she told him, that the bird indeed did know and had informed her. If his father knew he was being coerced into a marital arrangement with her, all hell would break loose when Thranduil returned to Mirkwood...and the King didn't need this kind of news with his current situation. Amara and Thranduil always respected each other, but kept their distance...but this, he would most certainly kill her for, especially because she threatened Legolas if he were to break the agreement.

Thranduil's door then opened. "Legolas, I must go. Travel quickly and safely."

Legolas sat for a moment and pondered why his father never even inquired about you. He could tell something was amiss and decided he had no time to waste. Rest would have to wait. He packed up his things and headed back out, knowing he was being followed.

"Jo, what do you mean go to a party?" Haldir insisted to know as he followed you to Narcisse's chambers where most of your things were.

You stopped at his door and spun around to Haldir with a serious look.

"I must get out of here for awhile and do something normal and hopefully fun or I am going to have a nervous breakdown. I need to clear my head and try not think of what happened today or about Gar...there's a party in Dorwinion city and I have never been there. I would like to go and I don't want to go alone. And besides, this will give you and I some time to spend together that we haven't done in awhile. Wait here while I grab my stuff."

You turned to open the door but it was locked. With a grin, you circled your finger around the door latch and it popped right open.

"There. I'll be right back."

"Jo, why are your things in Narcisse's room?" Haldir quietly asked through the door as he glanced around for onlookers.

You came rushing back out and shut the door, holding a pile of stuff and began heading back down the hall at a quick pace.

"Because I was stupidly going to reside in there with Leean after what happened with Asher and you were pissed at me or I would have asked to stay with you."

You got back to Lola's quarters and whipped around.

"Can you go arrange for our transportation while I get ready?.... Please? Narcisse has many carriages, I have seen them all the time coming and going. A taxi pulled by horses." you chuckled and went inside.

"Jo...I never said I..."

He was cut off by you smiling and shutting the door in his face.

Haldir closed his eyes with a huff and reluctantly went to do as you asked.

"Lola...what on earth do I wear to something like this? I mean, if it's a bunch of rich people, should I be fancy? and this darn bruise on my cheek has to go. I don't know why the healing water did not help."

You sat in your robe, feeling a frightful mess, recalling how the white elk licked you there. How was it all a hallucination? Of course, you could have gotten the bruise due to the fall from the sky when Harker plowed into you and Garrett, but it should have healed after your bath in the magical liquid. You remembered how Legolas once placed a mixture of crushed berries on your face from Thranduil's garden when you were injured before and it healed it right up. How you missed Leggy so. He would know what to do...or even Garrett could fix it but you didn't know if you would even see him again after the way you made him feel.

"Josie...I'll help you with your makeup, it's kind of a secret talent of mine, although I myself don't wear much of it. And...a dress would be fitting for the occasion. Don't worry, you're beautiful. No one is going to be looking at your bruise."

You picked Leean up and snuggled her before you dressed. She was cooing and happy just as she always was when you held her. She loved to play with your hair and was giving it a good pull and then she let go and just gazed at you. She began grabbing at your lips as she was now becoming curious about facial features. You nibbled playfully at her fingers in which she got a kick out of and began throwing her hand around in excitement, then let it rest right on your bruise. Suddenly, you were blinded by a bright light as a tingling sensation traveled through your cheek....and then the light was gone. You gasped as Lola did too.

"M..My lady...Josie, your bruise...it...it's..gone!"

"W..what??"

You raced to the mirror and gawked at yourself.

"Oh my god...Lola...she...she healed me...my sweet little princess, she....it...my god did you see that??!! She..she has his power! Just like I saw in the fountain!"

"I did! and she has yours too." Lola laughed and smiled from ear to ear.

You began to silently cry and kissed Leean all over her supple little cheeks.

"My sweet girl, you are your father's daughter and he would be so proud of you. Thank you my angel. Mommy loves you soooo much, my little star!"

Now you were never more certain that Thranduil was not a hallucination, that he had come to you from beyond the moon and the stars. The bruise was in fact not a bruise, but a celestial kiss and you believed Leean was drawn to it. Maybe it ignited her power? Haldir was right. Thranduil was still watching over you and always would.

It definitely took a toll on her tiny little body and she yawned with a soft smile on her lips, so you laid her in her crib and began to whisper to her.

"Starlight, star bright, the first star I see tonight, I wish I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight."

Leean closed her eyes and fell fast asleep as you closed yours also, wishing for Thranduil.

You were all prettied up and ready to go. Off you went to find the Marchwarden, who you found outside, speaking with some warlock guards.

Haldir's mouth dropped open when he saw you, making you blush.

"Jo...you...you are so...beautiful." he stuttered as he reached out and stroked your chin.

"Thank you, Haldir. You look really nice too."

"I can see you do not need me to do your braids any longer? and...your bruise, it has healed?"

"I confess, Lola helped me with the braids." you giggled. "I assume this is our carriage? Let's go. I have so much to tell you about Leean."

You both climbed into the landau and the coachman drove off.

You informed Haldir all about Leean's newly found magic as you crossed the bridge out of Narcisse's lands. He wasn't all too surprised, for he knew she would be a magical being like you and Thranduil, but he was a bit shocked that it was so soon. You also told him about the kiss from Thranduil, and he now believed that what you saw was real.

After talking with Haldir for awhile, you just sat and enjoyed the views of Dorwinion's beautiful scenery as dusk was setting in. You began daydreaming of Thranduil as you stared out the window, memories of meeting him mostly, among other magical moments in your short time together. Not even realizing it, you began to sing. A Frank Sinatra song your mother used to sing to you as a child when she was a different person.

"Fly me to the moon, let me play among the stars. and let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars. In other words, hold my hand. In other words, baby, kiss me. Fill my heart with song and let me sing forever more. You are all I long for, all I worship and adore. In other words, please be true. In other words, I love you."

(Check out the new Thransie fan video below with the song from above. It is a beautiful cover by Kaira Rae with no music, which was perfect to sound like Josie was singing it, along with memories of her king.)

Haldir just gazed at you with a smile, taking in your angelic voice. A tear strolled down your cheek as you finished, in which you then felt the silence and Haldir's eyes upon you.

"Oh..gosh. I'm sorry, I was just...lost in thought." you shyly said as you quickly wiped your tear.

"Jo, why on earth would you apologize for singing? I could listen to your voice all day and night. It is so soothing and beautiful...just like you."

"Awww shux." you chuckled. "You're going to give me an ego."

"Could you sing some more, please? It makes this ride with you even more pleasant."

"Umm, well sure, I suppose." you bashfully agreed.

You picked some random song you liked and began again. As the journey went on, you found yourself singing yourself to sleep, for you were just flat out exhausted...and in your slumber, you began to dream...

You were walking down a pathway in a village of some sort that you did not recognize. It was night but people were still out and about. You looked all around trying to figure out where you were. You kept walking through the maze of the cobblestone streets and began to hear echoing footsteps, sounding out the others from the people walking by....and then a figure appeared in a black hooded cloak, walking towards you.

His face came into view and the stranger held a dead stare upon you. You froze as he came up to you, trembling from his ominous appearance. But the man's eyes, they were kind and although you did not know him, there was something familiar about his presence that you couldn't place. His scent, it was overpowering, like a mixture of lavender and vanilla, just like...your daughter's. Is that why it felt familiar?

He stopped and smiled as he towered over you, his eyes mixed with deep blues and greens of a heavenly countryside pasture, his short hair as black as his cloak. You didn't feel threatened but still remained cautious.

"Who are you? Wh. what...do you want?" you timidly squeaked.

The only thing you could do was gasp at the single word his deep voice spoke.

"Leean."

[ergomaria]

Miles To Go Before I Sleep - Ch. 13

The Sith Emperor has finally been banished, at least for now, leaving Vann with one final task to ensure the safety of the Republic that he fought so hard to protect. He must train a new generation of Force users and prepare them for the inevitable moment when the Emperor returns, something that might not happen for centuries. But he is not alone and the task ahead is far from impossible. For the first time in decades, the Revanchist's future is bright, something that's almost overwhelming as he struggles to finally make peace with his past.

"I… I think that I'm done running off to save the Republic for a while. Or I'm at least done saving it from the Emperor. He'll be back, I'm sure of it, but it won't be for a long, long time. Not in my lifetime, anyway. Which, I guess means that it's finally over. Kriff. It's over…" The stunning reality of admitting this out loud caused Vann's voice to catch in his throat and he gasped, his entire body going limp as a warm rush of relief swept through him. He tried to say something, to crack a joke or make a flippant comment, but the only thing that came out was a thin, strangled sob.

Wetness spilled from the former mercenary's eyes and he burrowed his head into his partner's shoulder partially to hide his tears, but mostly because he needed someone else to physically support him as he finally accepted that yes, this entire ordeal was finally over. Even without the Force Carth seemed to sense this and he tightened his hold on the other man, pressing feather-light kisses against his temple while rubbing circles into his back.

"Hey, it's alright. Let it out." At this point, the captain was the only thing keeping Vann on his feet. "It is over. You won against that son of a kath hound and saved the rest of us in the process. I honestly can't begin to imagine what you're feeling right now, but I'm hoping that you can finally find the peace that you deserve."

Already flushed and sniffly, Vann hiccuped, "Do I really deserve it? After everything I've done?"

"Yes, undoubtedly so." A brilliant cascade of reassurance flowed through the Force bond, glowing brighter as Bastila embraced her mentor while also providing another body to lean on. Resting her head against his shoulder, she murmured, "In fact, I dare say that you're allowed to be happy."

"If I'm supposed to be so happy then why can't I stop crying?!"

"Because you're relieved, overwhelmed, and probably still in some pain." Laughing gently, Carth cupped his partner's cheek as he gazed down with pure affection, "You've spent over a decade working to save the Republic from a threat that nobody else knew how to confront or even sense and, after all that time and sacrifice, you finally succeeded. The Republic is safe thanks to you. You're a hero three times over."

Resisting the urge to wipe his nose with the back of his hand, Vann muttered, "I don't feel like a hero."

Bastila remained close, the bond still shimmering with her unwavering support. "I think that's the best sign that you truly are one."

"And as a hero, you've earned a rest. I know that you made some type of promise to train your students to guard the Republic for generations to come but…" Carth's tone was pleading. "I'd really like to see you take a break."

"Besides, your goal of training others should be quite attainable considering that you have at least one student willing to help you achieve it." Smiling gently, the former Sentinel murmured, "You've imparted a great deal of knowledge on me over the years and it would be my pleasure to share it with others. What you've decided to do isn't a burden, it's a gift to the galaxy. There are many more Force users out there who will benefit from your guidance and the wisdom that comes from your breadth of experience."

"But for kriff sake, don't think that you have to wake up tomorrow and throw everything you have into teaching. You can do other things, too. Preferably things that don't involve running off and picking a fight with an immortal Sith, or searching for an ancient weapon left by a lost empire, or rediscovering a forgotten dark side academy…"

Hastily interrupting the pilot, Bastila clarified, "I think what Carth is trying to say is that, for perhaps the first time in your life, you can choose whatever comes next."

That concept was almost too enormous for Vann to consider, especially given how physically and emotionally exhausted he was. Throughout his existence, there had always been a larger mission for him to complete or some greater goal for him to achieve. The Jedi, the war, his mercenary work, the Star Forge, the Sith… his responsibilities had been endless. But now the only thing before him was a single, long-term plan that was easily attainable with just a little help from his many friends. It wouldn't consume all of his waking moments, nor did he want it to. He had plenty of time to do whatever he pleased, which was an idea so staggering that he couldn't think about it without the possibilities overwhelming him.

But the immediate future was easy to envision. Breathing through the last of his sobs, Vann grinned weakly at Carth. "Right now I just want a hot bath. And maybe a nap in our bed with you next to me."

The pilot nodded approvingly. "Both good choices."

A sly idea entered the former mercenary's mind. "After that, I want to finish repairing H-Kay. I know one of you did something with the control cluster that I need to get him working again. Don't deny it!"

The cold buzz of guilt breezing through the Force was all the proof that Vann needed, even before the bond slammed shut on Bastila's end. Staring accusingly as his Padawan cautiously backed away, he was about to demand exactly what she'd done with the missing part when a pair of strong arms wrapped around his shoulders and carefully but purposefully pulled him away from Bastila. Despite the cracked ribs Carth had suffered during the crash, he was still more than capable of physically steering his partner through the hangar with surprisingly little effort.

Clearly determined to distract the other man, the captain cheerfully chirped, "So, how about that bath?"

Vann could easily escape the hold but the effort required was more energy than he felt like expending. So, he allowed himself to be half guided and half dragged towards the hangar exit all while continuing to glare at his apprentice over his shoulder. The effect was probably less ominous than he intended, though that didn't stop him from shouting, "I'm going to get my kriffing droid back. You both know that you can't stop me!"

Both Carth and Bastila sighed at this announcement, though they didn't deny its truth. By now even the Sith Emperor knew that there wasn't a sentient in the galaxy who could stop the Revanchist once he set his mind to something.

Read the whole chapter on AO3 or FF.net

[papercherries]

I've been having strange nightmares recently. I've always been cursed with them, runs in my family. My sister takes medication for hers. My mum believes it's because we can commune with the dead, mediums. I think it's because we all have genetic bipolar disorder and/or crippling depression. We don't talk about this though. We don't talk about anything sensitive. It might be because we are incapable. We all silently know what we all are. Besides me but that's because they haven't found out about my outbursts and my depression. They think I'm just autistic and bisexual. They don't know about the depression, violence, bipolar, therapy, alcoholism (though they must have an inkling of that one) and being gender queer (though they probably have reservations about that as well). We're all fucked up and we continue to fuck up whoever's next.

I don't say this because I hate my family. I do love my family, though it is mostly due to the fact they are my family. I'm very independent, physically and emotionally. I'm always broke but I'm a scrounger. I refuse to ask for money, unless I am truly and utterly desperate. Plus my family doesn't have any money to begin with.

My sister has recently had a baby. I can't stand children and for a long while I couldn't stand my sister. (For context, I have two sisters. One older and one younger). After my mum cheated on my dad and left us, she took up a lot of the "maternal responsibility". The issue was, she had no reason to do this. She would disagree, but I was old enough to do my own stuff and so was my younger sister. She took on way too much responsibility, not to mention her workaholic nature. Her mode of existence truly depresses me. She is incredibly smart, yet I have never met such a fool in my life. I don't mean it in the "smart person has no common sense" sense. I mean it in squandered potential, she could've had a life. Got out of that shithole of a town, (our shithole of a town) she could've experienced the world. However, she has now chose to settle, with someone she will divorce/break up with in a matter of less than a decade. (If they make it further than that though, I'll be genuinely impressed). Because, whilst I believe that a relationship can flower and bloom despite political beliefs. She is a steadfast feminist, not a ground-breaking one mind you but a supporter of the women's liberation movement and the procurement of women's rights in general. Her fiancé is a military man trump supporter. His achievements in the military are impressive, I'll give him that. But it's impressive in the same way that a punching bag can only take so many punches. He is strangely timid and shy. He is also an idiot. You could replace him with any fool. I hear he's quite good at chess though. I've been advised not to get into political conversation with him. My dad said I'd "wipe the floor with him". Which I'm not sure how to take as I believe political discussion should be lead with empathy in mind. The feeling for your fellow human, the replacement of numbers with faces. Does he truly not understand what he stands for politically? Follow masked men with faceless crowds?

The point being, this baby is being birthed into this incredibly complex situation. It will grow around this mangled set of people with destroyed brains and warped ideas. Is it up to me as a human being to teach this child about different perspectives? Am I the queer relative that has to be awkwardly explained about? We haven't had that yet. Must I teach this child about media literacy and how to truly enjoy life? Or do I only feel this responsibility because I know the environment to which it will grow. I know it is cruel and callous. I hope it is different, because my mind is just as warped as theirs, if not more. We have no scale. It is incredibly scary, I won't be around to do it anyway. I always have to be away, I can't deal with that town for more than a couple days anymore. It was once hell, I now see faces I used to know wandering the streets. People who went away, failed and came back. I refuse. I cannot commit to such a thing. I will fail. It is certain. But I will not return, I will scrounge and steal till my last breath. But it will not be on those spiked streets, where the local government is stealing and thieving. With no help from the major government as they continue building their concrete, brutalist jungles.

I hope the child at least misses out on the nightmares. It seems like a thing only me and my younger sister get but I don't know my older sister well enough to have that information. I got used to mine, my sister clearly didn't. I'm not sure my sister sees things though. I imagine she does sometimes but I dare not ask her. I'd sound crazy, "hey, do you have hallucinations as well! No way! Must be a genetic thing". My most recent nightmare was quite silly, I was at a music festival. The whole crowd got up on stage to dance and sing with the performers. Afterwards, I went and sat on a hill. As I left, a guy who was sat next to me tried to mug me. I woke up, laughed cause I had got a text saying I'd entered my overdraft. and went back to sleep.

There's always periods where I have strange and vivid dreams. There's usually a theme, this weak they're nightmares. Next week they could be otherworldly sexual fantasies. Though I never hallucinate anything other than ominous things. Dark figures and haunting sounds. Though, there is one sound that I hear everywhere. A small bell. This one has nothing to do with horror but rather conditioning. I had a cat in my hometown (she's still my little baby) and she used to wear a collar with a bell. I'd always hear it and it always would set me off. It's the same reason I'm a heavy sleeper, till I hear the meow of a cat. Then I'm up immediately. It's like a babies cry to me. However, the bells have gotten worse after Christmas. This is due to me getting a cat for where I currently live. A lovely little black kitten, fitted with a red collar and bell. Mostly because you can't see her in the dark so it's best to be able to hear her. My dad's girlfriend had slippers with bells on them and every time she'd walk or even nudge her feet. I'd hear a bell and my head would snap to wherever it came from. It was almost instinctual.

Anyway, my film rant and emotional rant are done for the day. I am tired. It is past my bedtime. I must sleep, though it's not my fault the clocks went forward an hour.

[dyrwoodan]

i’m having a very good time writing about my Iavellans and breaking the canon and i do want to post it but also. i SO don’t want anyone in my askbox saying stuff to me